Episode 1230 Scott Adams： Santa's Chief of Staff Updates You on the Toy Factory Lockdown. OK for Kids
Episode Stats
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133.3176
Summary
An update from the North Pole about Santa having Coronavirus and the elves being unable to deliver this year's Christmas Eve and Christmas Day gifts because of the pandemic. Plus, a story about a reindeer with a red nose.
Transcript
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Hey everybody, come on in here. This is an important update. Important update.
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As you know, we're in the middle of a pandemic. And here's an update from Santa's workshop where
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there had been threats of a lockdown for quarantine purposes. I'm going to give you
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an update. I've just heard in from the North Pole. So this is fresh from the North Pole. And
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if you're wondering what role I have in all this, I do a little seasonal work.
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And specifically, I work for Santa just during the high season. And I work as his chief of staff.
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Santa normally would be making this announcement himself. But I'm here to tell you, unfortunately,
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Santa has been diagnosed with the coronavirus. That's right. Santa does have the coronavirus.
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He's quarantined. We think he'll be fine. He's getting the best care, all the best therapeutics.
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But we are worried about him because Santa does have some comorbidities. Santa is, first of all,
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thousands of years old. And we know that age can be a factor in your outcomes with coronavirus.
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Santa also has high blood pressure, diabetes. He's mortally obese. And obviously, he's black.
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All of those have an extra risk factor. But we feel that Santa will be fine. Unfortunately,
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Santa will not be able to deliver gifts this year. Don't worry. Don't worry. I'm getting ahead of
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myself. We do have a substitute. So the toys, such as they are, they will be delivered. I'll tell you
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about that in a moment. But it's worse than Santa having coronavirus. You know, coronavirus is very,
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it's very transmissible. And one thing you might not know is that elves are very bad at social
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distancing. Have you ever been around an elf? They will not socially distance. You can get them to wear the
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little masks. Fine. But you get near them, and I tell you, they're all hands. The toy factory, when I walk
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through the toy factory, I mean, right now I'm working remotely because of the coronavirus. But when I visit
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a toy factory and I walk through, I'll feel something rubbing on my leg, it's an elf, they cannot socially
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distance. It's like they're great at doing their job. You tell them to make a toy, wow, an elf can knock
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out a toy like you can't even believe. But socially distance, it's like they can't even do it. So most of
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the elves also got the coronavirus. And they also are socially distancing. We think they'll be fine.
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Santa will be fine. Don't worry about him. He has the best care. And the elves, we think the elves will
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also be fine. Everybody will be fine. But they can't do their jobs right now. And timing's kind of
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critical. But here's the good news. Here's the good news. Your parents aren't going to brag about this.
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But this really happened, kids. Your parents, all of them, volunteered to help make toys because the
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elves couldn't because of the coronavirus. So that's the good news. The bad news, have you ever seen your
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parents try to do stuff? Not so good. Have you seen your father try to assemble furniture?
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Even when he has the directions? You see where I'm going with this, kids? How about your mom's cooking?
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Is it great every time? Maybe not. Well, your toys this year, they're going to be a lot like that
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furniture your dad can't assemble. And the food that your mom makes that you wish maybe she wouldn't.
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So not all of your toys will be perfect this year. A little bit imperfect. And it's only relative to
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the elves. Because as I said, the elves have been doing this for how many thousands of years, right?
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The elves can knock out a toy from beginning, design to end, bam. I once saw an elf, this is true,
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I once saw an elf make an entire video game, programmed it from scratch, five minutes. It's true.
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Now, how about your parents, kids? Do you think they could make an entire video game in five minutes? I
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don't think so. They are not elf standard, if I can put it that way. So you might want to lower your
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expectations about the toy quality. But delivery, we've got delivery covered. You've heard the story
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of Rudolph. He's a red-nosed reindeer. He's a lot like the other reindeer. But if you haven't heard
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the story, he's got this red nose. And it glows. And because of the glow, at one point, he was sort
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of ostracized, which is meaning that the other reindeer were kind of mean to him. But they realized,
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wait a minute, what if it's foggy out? Or we need a little extra light? Wouldn't that? Yeah,
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you see where I'm going with this? The light from the nose would be like a headlight. And so Rudolph
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became sort of a star among the reindeer. So kids, if you haven't heard this, this is all true.
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And when Santa needs a replacement, let's say Santa is sick, like now, we don't know if he's sick,
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but he's got the coronavirus. The natural person who steps in is obviously, who would it be? Is it
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going to be Donder and Vixen? No, no leadership. Donder, Vixen, nothing. They're pretty much just
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workers. But Rudolph? Rudolph stepped up. And Rudolph will be in charge of the delivery this year. So kids,
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don't worry, don't worry, all the gifts will be delivered. There is a little bit of drama
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among the reindeer. And I'm not going to lie, it could be a problem. And it comes down to this.
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Because Rudolph is sitting in for Santa, he wanted to actually sit in the sleigh.
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Right? And imagine how that went over with the other reindeer. And the other reindeer are like,
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wait, Rudolph, just because you're sitting in for Santa, I don't think that means you sit in the sleigh,
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and we have to drag your lard all over the world. Why don't you maybe pitch in? You could use that
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old red nose right up front. Could come in handy. You could maybe just join the rest of us and be
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like a regular reindeer, but also in charge. You know, you would still be in charge, but you would
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just be like helping pull the sleigh instead of sitting in the back. And Rudolph, starting to get
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ahead about things. Like, you give a reindeer a little bit of attention, you give them a little
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bit of attention, it goes right to their antlers. And the next thing you know, Rudolph's just, he's got
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his little arms closed, little hooves. And Rudolph's back there, and he's like, I don't think you heard
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Santa. Santa put me in charge. In charge. Meaning I'm the boss of all of you reindeer. So let me
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explain to you, ordinary reindeer with your dull little noses that have no value whatsoever.
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Nothing. Let me explain to you what it means to be in charge. Being in charge means I tell you
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what to do and then you do it. Being in charge is not you reindeer telling me or Rudolph what to do.
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That's not how it works. No, I've been, I put in the work, a little extra work if I, I don't, I don't
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want to brag, but I did a little extra work because, you know, this whole lighting the way with my nose,
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that doesn't happen on its own. That takes a little extra work. And now I got selected as the
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leader, the replacement for Santa for just this one season. And I don't mind sitting in the back
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where the leader belongs. So at the moment, they're, they're in some kind of talks about this. And
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how dare you suggest that I'm drunk? I actually don't drink. Santa's chief of staff does not drink.
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I'm sorry. So here's the bottom line, kids. Santa got the coronavirus, but don't worry because
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Rudolph will be doing the delivery. The elves, they, they got wiped out with the coronavirus.
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They'll be okay, but they have to be quarantined. Your parents will be doing the, the, the toy making.
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But not very well because you've seen the work your parents do, if you know what I mean.
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So that's your update for today. I hope that all of you have a great Christmas. I would say there's
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a strong 50% chance that the gifts will be here on time. And let's all hope that Rudolph
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pulls it out. Rudolph, Rudolph, Rudolph, Rudolph. Come on, kids, join me. Rudolph, Rudolph, Rudolph.
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Rudolph, I feel like maybe I'm the only one doing this. Kids, kids. Come on. Rudolph, Rudolph, Rudolph.
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Okay. I still feel like I'm the only one doing it. I don't know. All right. Well, that's all
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for this night. And that is your Santa Toy Factory update.