Episode 2017 Scott Adams: UFO News, Baby Jesus Born? Chicken Hoaxes, Walls Not Closing In
Episode Stats
Words per Minute
138.12115
Summary
A female gibbon in a Japanese zoo has given birth after being in isolation for two years, and it s a girl. Could this mean Baby Jesus has come back from beyond the shadow of the earth? Or is it just another case of immaculate conception?
Transcript
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Good morning, everybody, and welcome to Coffee with Scott Adams, which is the highlight of
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civilization. And today we've got some of the most interesting stories of all time.
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None of them are true, but I think you're used to that. So if you'd like to get ready
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for the fake news of the century, the fake news palosa. Is that something? Fake news
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palosa. It's the cornucopia of fake news, and it's all here today. And if you'd like to enjoy it
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to its maximum potential, all you need is a cupper mug or a glass of tanker, chalice, or
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stein, a canteen jug or flask, a vessel of any kind. Fill it with your favorite liquid.
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I like coffee. And join me now for the unparalleled pleasure, the dope mean hit of the day, the thing
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that makes everything better. And today, today only, a little hint of oxytocin. Just a little
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bit, see if you can detect it. Ah, yeah, I got it. There's one note of oxytocin in there
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today. But the dopamine is sublime, as usual. Well, I don't know if you caught it, but the
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biggest story of the day is that a Japanese zoo reports that they have a female gibbon
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that has given birth despite living in isolation for two years. So there were no boy gibbons anywhere
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to be seen for two years. And yet, the female gibbon is pregnant. Now, this could mean one
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of two things. Number one, it's a good thing I'm not an employee of that zoo. Can we all
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agree it's a good thing I'm not an employee of the zoo that had the gibbon that had the
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baby without any boy of gibbons? Because I'm the kind of asshole who would be mercilessly
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mocking the zookeeper. So, got that female gibbon in there. She's looking kind of hot. They
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tell me that no male gibbons have been in there for two years. Two years. Seems there's only
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one person who has the key. Bob. Bob, you're the only person who's been in that gibbon
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habitat. And I'm just saying maybe you and the gibbon got a little busy. Now, okay, you
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know that didn't happen. But you know if I worked there, I would be mercilessly mocking
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Bob for having access to the gibbon. Can we agree on that? It's a good thing I don't work
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there. Okay, let's agree on that. The second thing is, I think we're missing the significance
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because I only know one case in history in which a primate had an immaculate conception.
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So, there's at least a possibility that baby Jesus has returned, but maybe was being a little
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bit more modest than the last time. Now, you don't think of Jesus as like a bragger, right?
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Am I right? Jesus was not like, oh, look at my Rolex. And Jesus could have had a Rolex. He
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had powers. But no, Jesus is humble. If there's anything we know, Jesus is not a show-off. And
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I think it would be just like him to come back as a baby gibbon. Because that would put everything
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in perspective. You'd be like, oh, we're humans. We're so special. Then Jesus would come back
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and say, oh, I'm not so special. I'm a gibbon. And I'm Jesus. You're like, not even that.
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So, I think it would be a good lesson for humankind. Now, just so you know, a gibbon is not a monkey.
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So, some of you are tempted to say, oh, it's monkey Jesus. That's, first of all, that would be
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disrespectful. Second of all, it would be technically incorrect. It is a gibbon. And a gibbon, I looked
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it up. They're not one of the great apes. Not a great ape. Again, totally consistent with Jesus's
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personality. Jesus isn't going to come back as like a great ape. That would be not very modest, would it?
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Oh, I'm the great ape. Look at me. I came back as a great ape. No, that would be so, so not in keeping
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with the whole vibe. Instead, there's at least a possibility that he chose what's called the lesser
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apes. The gibbons are small compared to the great apes. So, they're called the lesser apes. I think
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that's perfect. I feel like that's right on brand. It's like, not too showy, but still making a point.
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It makes a point without being too showy. So, I think at the exact time that the space aliens are
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attacking Earth, baby gibbon Jesus may have come back. We don't know this. This is not confirmed.
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But possibly, possibly, and would be, we're hoping, we're hoping baby gibbon Jesus is on our side.
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Because if baby gibbon Jesus is on the alien invader side, it's going to be harder than we thought.
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And Joe Biden will tell you, you're going to need more than your AR-15 for that.
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You're going to need more than your AR-15 for that.
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Let's talk about chickens not laying eggs. Have any of you heard that chickens stop laying eggs
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because there's something in their feed that makes them non-egg layers? Well, I would ask you
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to Google chickens not laying eggs and then the word debunked. Because it looks like chickens are
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laying eggs. But there are always some times when some individual groups of chickens will not be
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laying eggs. And individual farms could have, you know, a variety of problems that are unique to the
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farm. So it's not that unusual if one farm has chickens that are not laying eggs.
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It would be very unusual if they were all not laying eggs. But apparently that's not the point.
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So don't worry about your chicken eggs. Price is high, but there are plenty of them.
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Wall Street Journal reports that the government started getting smart.
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I know. You're not going to believe this story. This will be wild. You did not see this coming.
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This is out of left field, people. It could be, again, related to Baby Gibbon Jesus or possibly
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the alien invasion. Because this is not normal behavior. All right? Listen to this. The government
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did this. Our actual government, the U.S. government. Wall Street Journal reports that the Biden
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administration has started approving state requests to use Medicaid to pay for groceries
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and nutritional counseling. It turns out that our government has discovered, and I think
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it's true, that what you eat is related to your health. Has anybody heard that before?
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This is brand new information. What you eat and how much of it could have an impact on your
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health. No, no, seriously. I'm not kidding. Stop it. Stop doubting me. It's true. It's a true
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fact. And what's more amazing than that, if that were not amazing enough, the U.S. government
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apparently is acting rationally. And, I don't know, preliminarily, it looks like it's in the
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interest of the public. Like, I don't want to get ahead of myself, but it looks like they
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did something smart that's good for us. I, okay, screw it. Yeah, I don't believe it either.
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Yeah. They'll find some way to take it back. But, for a moment there, I felt this little
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tinge of government competence. It was, like, thrilling. It, like, went through me like a,
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like a chill. Well, goosebumps. Goosebumps. Just the thought that the government would make
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a good decision. Wow. But, probably not. I'm sure they'll find some way to screw that up.
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Here's an amazing thing that happened on CNN today. In an opinion piece by someone who's
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not a normal CNN contributor. I'm not saying that the person is not normal. I'm saying not
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routinely a contributor to CNN, which is important to the story. It's Jennifer Rogers, former federal
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prosecutor, is arguing that the walls are not closing in on Trump. Did you ever think you
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would see that? There's an opinion piece on CNN website whose only point, there's like
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one point of view. It's not like two points of view showing both sides. There's one point
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of view that says the walls are not closing in on Trump. And that some recent things with,
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I guess, the old prosecutor for Manhattan, I guess they're the ones that are following up
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on the Stormy Daniels payment, that BS story. Not BS in terms of it not being true, but BS in terms
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of nobody cares. Nobody cares. There's not a single person in the whole world who cares if Trump did or
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did not use campaign funds to pay off Stormy Daniels. Zero people care. But, apparently, the
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prior prosecutor wrote a book. And in the book, he gives away a little bit more information than a
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prosecutor ought to be giving away. So it makes it a little bit easier for the defense to know exactly
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what the worst prosecutor was thinking in terms of what the case would look like, which is just a
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present to the defense. But it also showed that they seem to be wildly interested in just getting
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Trump, which is a real gift to the defense. So, I don't know. The big story here is not
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Trump's legal dilemma, because I think that was always trivial. What's different is that CNN
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is going out of their way to say that it's trivial, and that he's moving in the direction of less risk,
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not more. I've never seen that before. Have you? Have you ever seen CNN write a story with no hedging?
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There's no hedging to it whatsoever. It just says, it looks like things are going his way.
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It's different, right? Yeah. And I like the fact that the public is being brutal on CNN,
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because I believe CNN could be a valuable asset to the country. And I think they had been in the past.
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You know, they certainly went useless at some point. But I'd love to see them rehabilitated.
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I'd love to know that the news, you know, was real for a change. So, we'll see. How many of you
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have forgotten the Durham investigation that was supposed to be the walls closing in on, I don't
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know who, Democrats and the Department of Justice and the FBI and Hillary Clinton and everybody
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associated with her? And then, basically, they got kind of nothing? Do you think that's because
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there was nothing there and we all got excited and there was never anything there?
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So, here's what I think. I think that the Durham investigation was looking for crime.
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And if your conspiracy involved, just hypothetically, just hypothetically, if a conspiracy involved
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people at the Department of Justice, the FBI, lawyers, and had Democrats who mostly are lawyers,
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do you think they couldn't figure out a way to do a plot without breaking any laws?
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Just don't write anything down in an email that's clearly illegal.
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And just have all your conversations privately.
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And then, everybody does things which individually look like they could have been explained
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by one individual doing something they thought was the right thing to do.
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So, I'm not sure that the Durham investigation tells you anything
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The only thing that it does tell you is it was not something overtly and easily identifiable
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So, yeah, and all those conversations with super sketchy text stuff, that's super sketchy,
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but I think it falls short of being obviously criminal.
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Meaning that if there's at least one other interpretation, that's all you need.
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You only need one other interpretation of the facts and you're free.
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So, when they say stuff like, you know, something is an insurance policy,
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that could be an indication that that person had bias, which is not illegal, is it?
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As long as what you're doing is your job, no, it's not illegal to have bias.
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It's illegal to act in a biased manner, but it's not illegal to have bias.
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So, they would have to find that they did something that was very non-standard
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So, I don't know that Durham finding nothing means there's nothing there.
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It might mean there was nothing illegal or nothing easily found that was illegal.
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The funniest meme I saw in the UFO hysteria is an alien talking to another one.
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At the moment, they're trying to change the weather by eating bugs.
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I believe that's actually the literal idea on the table.
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What's funny about it is that it's technically true.
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We're trying to eat bugs to change the weather.
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The thing I'm waiting for is when the alien leader asked to meet our leader.
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And the only thing we can hope is that the advanced intelligence of this alien civilization,
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Because when we show them Biden, they're going to talk to him for five minutes,
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and then they're going to turn to us and say, okay, you're joking, right?
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We traveled from Alpha Centauri, and that was one of the best pranks we've seen.
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You know, honestly, our universal translator isn't even working on this guy.
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I mean, I'm looking at the universal translator.
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He talked, and I think he said, we're going to focus on the...
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It doesn't work on this guy that you're pretending is your leader.
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Anyway, so we got an unidentified object shot down over Canada.
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Another one shot down over our warmer waters in the southeast.
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So now we've got three objects, one definitely a Chinese spy balloon, or not, who knows.
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One of them might have been a giant tube with no people and no guidance system.
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If you saw a giant metallic tube flying at 40,000 feet with no windows, there's no windows,
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What mechanism do we have to know what's inside the big tube?
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I feel like when they say it's unmanned, they either know it's a balloon,
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because if they know it's a balloon, then they could reasonably intuit there's nothing inside it.
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Depending on the size of the balloon and where it is and everything.
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So if I were to build an interplanetary wormhole traveling spaceship,
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And would aliens necessarily need to look at things?
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Maybe aliens have a different type of way of sensing their environment.
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Maybe they don't need to look at stuff with eyeballs, so they wouldn't need any windows.
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Nor would they need any external propulsion signs, like smoke coming out of the engine or anything like that.
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Because, my God, they just traveled interplanetary through a wormhole.
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You don't need a gas engine for that, or even nuclear.
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So, I don't believe that any aliens have visited us.
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Number one, why did the U.S. shoot down an object over Canadian airspace?
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Now, it's reported that we were coordinating with the Canadian government.
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Is that because Canada doesn't have any air force that can shoot down a balloon?
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Now, I get that NORAD is up there, and they saw it, and blah, blah, blah, blah.
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And I get that we have better military assets, perhaps.
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But when you put the actual jet up, I'm just wondering, why would Trudeau allow an American pilot to save Canada if Canada has pilots and missiles?
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As you know, Trudeau only looks for opportunities where he can look weak.
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The Trudeau is always looking for a way to look weak and feminine.
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The best way that Canada could look weak and feminine is to say, oh, could you help us with this UFO?
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I feel like it was the most feminine thing Canada could do, to ask for help from the big, strong neighbor.
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How would you like to be male and Canadian today?
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You may have done what I did, which is click on the UFO links on Twitter today.
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Did you see how many UFO sightings there are, according to Twitter?
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Now, I recognize some of them as being, you know, old ones, and they look like hoaxes and stuff.
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95% of everything you see on these UFO stories is just made up.
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But at a minimum, at a minimum, 95% of everything you see is just made up.
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So if you see a picture of a UFO, if you see a video, and even if it looks like it was taken from the space shuttle,
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and even if it looks like there's a ship landing on the moon, which we saw this morning,
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no matter what you see, there's a 95% chance it's not true, no matter the source.
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Now, I'm allowing 5%, which is pretty big, if you're talking about, you know, aliens visiting the Earth.
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I'm just allowing that, you know, anything's possible.
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So I'm not going to rule it out, but I wouldn't believe any of the pictures.
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So now there are pictures of cylinders flying everywhere.
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Now, unfortunately, a cylindrical tube is the easiest thing to fake if you're going to do, like, Photoshop or a fake video.
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How many of you believe, literally, that space aliens are here?
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Like, just say yes, I believe that these are actual space aliens.
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Imagine if we had not experienced five straight years of nothing but fake news.
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If you had not been trained and primed by fake news of every type,
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would you be more likely to think there was an alien invasion?
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Because we had so much fake news, we were primed and, let's say, protected from, let's say,
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Fake news acted as a vaccine so that almost all of you don't believe there's an alien invasion.
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If you had not been primed by five years of fake news, just obviously fake news,
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you might have actually believed this was an alien invasion.
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But now you're all so battle-worn and experienced that you know just because it's in the news
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and just because you saw a video and just because you saw a picture
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and just because you saw credible people talking to you on TV, that doesn't mean anything.
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In 2023, what is the news value of a credible person telling you something happened that you can't verify?
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It doesn't matter how credible they are because everybody's lying on TV.
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Every side, every issue, everybody's lying on TV.
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So, it's kind of good that I think the public is treating the UFO stories and the balloon stories,
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I think we're treating it as pure entertainment, which is exactly how we should treat it.
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When I look at the UFO stuff, I don't see it as news per se.
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I think that probably there have always been balloon-like things floating around up there,
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and countries are now just shooting them down to look tough.
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Or in the case of Canada, they're asking their big manly neighbor to shoot it down
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And by the way, that is what's happening in Canada.
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Canada is becoming more female in attitude, not gender.
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And the United States is in the middle, and we're being, like, rocked by both of those things.
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Like the two or three confused children of those two parents.
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All right, so don't believe anything on aliens.
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Do you believe that there's a, I don't know, another country threat?
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Eric writes, says, for $25 on his super chat, he says,
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looks to me like Operation Space Boner is going way better than China was expecting.
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But do you remember when Jesus was born, there was like a north star,
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And they knew that the star was a sign that, you know, the Lord would be born.
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But just before this baby gibbon had its immaculate conception,
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So in the sky, three wise men, I have to be at least one of them.
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Women, you can be wise women and wise non-binaries.
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I saw the big egg in the sky and the big penis.
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And I knew that baby gibbon Jesus was being born in a Japanese zoo.
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It was sort of obvious if you put the pieces together.
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My ongoing conversation indirectly with Brett Weinstein and Heather Heyer continues.
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I think they mentioned something on their podcast.
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and said that the fact that some people can consistently win at poker
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is evidence that Brett Weinstein could figure out what was right
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or what was wrong about vaccinations and the pandemic
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because it's possible to consistently win at poker, but only some people.
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So if some people can consistently win at poker,
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therefore, logically, some people could do what Brett and Heather did,
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If you can do it consistently and it's predictable,
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and therefore the poker thing proves the point.
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It's just a story that reminds you of another story.
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It's a story that reminds you of another story in some way.
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Now, let me tell you why the poker analogy doesn't fit.
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then it wouldn't matter that it was about poker or anything else.
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A good analogy might have actually moved things forward.
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There are just so many things you can do in poker,
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You cannot do anything but what the game allows you to do.
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Now, when you're looking at a bounded set of possibilities,
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it is quite possible that somebody could figure out a tell or a pattern
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always operates a certain way, let's say, on average.
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So if you compare something where somebody could conquer a limited set of possibilities,
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you have said absolutely nothing about the real world with unlimited possibilities.
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In fact, you've proven that the only place you can do it
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If the point is, I can do things in this domain
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if when I first described it, you said to yourself,
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that my skill that I learned in two college courses,
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in which my only job was to compare the correct two things.
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So when I tell you that I see people in the wild
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that are obviously the wrong things to compare,