Ep 1237 ｜ Let Them？ The Good, the Bad & the Buddhist
Episode Stats
Length
1 hour and 2 minutes
Words per Minute
166.20387
Summary
The Let Them Theory? This viral concept has been making its rounds even in Christian culture. Is it good or bad? Is it biblical? We ve got all of that and more on today s episode of Relatable.
Transcript
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The let them theory, this viral concept has been making its rounds even in Christian culture.
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We've got all of that and more on today's episode of Relatable.
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It's brought to you by our friends at Good Ranchers.
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It feels like Monday because of Labor Day weekend.
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I hope everyone had a wonderful Labor Day weekend and that you are having a lovely week.
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I just want to say before we get started that this is, I guess, the last time that you will see producer Brie on the podcast.
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Unless we have her as some kind of correspondent for, I don't know, live, real-looking baby conferences.
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Because she could still feed us that kind of content.
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Please pray for her as she transitions into this new role.
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It was also just her birthday on Monday, right?
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Yeah, I couldn't even remember when that was that I texted you happy birthday.
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But so please wish her happy birthday and wish her well in her new endeavor.
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How are you feeling in this new year of life and in this new era that you're about to enter?
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It's bittersweet, but I'm ready for what's next.
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Just for the record, I did get an ad yesterday on YouTube for Reborn baby dolls.
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Before we know it, because she's going to lose the identity and purpose that Relatable has given her,
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she is going to devolve into a real-looking baby collector.
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Reborn, that's what they're called, which is in itself just kind of like weirdly theological and disturbing.
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Is there anything that you want to say to us and to everyone as you make your bow?
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So many of you are so, so sweet, and I'm so thankful for that.
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Um, I, yeah, I feel like any other show, I'd be a little bit scared of the audience, but not this one.
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And thank you, Allie, for letting me get to know people who are in your audience.
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Um, we are still, we are looking for, um, someone to take Brie's place, which will not be easy to find.
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So thank you to those who have applied, but it is still open.
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Um, there are a couple of different ways to apply, but you can send your application to relatable messages at gmail.com.
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And I just want to say a couple of things so we can go ahead and start sifting through, uh, the candidates before you even apply.
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Number one, we are looking for someone with five plus years of producing experience.
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If it's not in podcasting, if it's in something similar, that's okay.
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We are looking for someone who shares this show's values, that knows the show, that knows this brand, that knows this audience very well.
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And, um, we are looking for someone who is very serious about this position.
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I promise it is not that if you are applying for a job that you're not really serious about potentially taking, then you are wasting the team's time.
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You are wasting the time of the hiring manager.
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You are wasting the time of the person who is hoping to fill that position.
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So I'm just saying that for any of you ever applying for jobs out there, I think Gen Z might be, I don't know, getting some advice on just applying to apply.
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Only apply to jobs that you really think that you want and that you are serious about.
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So you're not wasting your time or anyone else's time.
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All right, let's get into what this episode is actually about today.
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It is about the let them theory, what it is, why it's relevant, how Christians should be thinking about this.
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And then we'll dive into its roots, what the background is, and why we are even talking about this today.
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So the let them theory is a mindset theory that encourages people to stop trying to control others.
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So when met with disappointment in someone's words, attitudes, or behaviors, instead of trying to change them or control them, you just let them.
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You allow them to say and think and feel and do what they want to do.
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So this is about no longer expending energy, trying to manage everyone in your life into being what you want or what you think you need them to be.
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And this theory has been popularized over the past couple of years by a motivational speaker, podcaster, author named Mel Robbins.
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She released this book, The Let Them Theory, in December of 2024, so just a few months ago.
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And since then, it has sold over 6 million copies, which all is insane.
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She posted a reel before she wrote the book about the let them theory in May of 2023.
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That reel has amassed millions and millions of views.
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And here she is kind of introducing this concept to her audience, someone.
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I just heard about this thing called the let them theory.
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If your friends are not inviting you out to brunch this weekend, let them.
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If the person that you're really attracted to is not interested in a commitment, let them.
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If your kids do not want to get up and go to that thing with you this week, let them.
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So much time and energy is wasted on forcing other people to match our expectations.
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And the truth is, if somebody, especially somebody you're dating or who's a friend or somebody you're trying to partner with in business, if they are not showing up how you need them to show up, do not try to force them to change.
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Let them be themselves because they are revealing who they are to you.
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And seeing that this resonated with so many people, Mel Robbins published a podcast episode on this theory a couple weeks later.
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It was the sixth most shared podcast episode in the world that year, which is also crazy.
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Mel Robbins and her book obviously have massive appeal.
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And no matter how you feel about it, no matter what your knee-jerk reaction is to it, it is an indicator of who we are collectively, where we are as a culture right now.
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Now, in some ways, it is the same old, same old message that we've heard.
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We'll talk in depth about this in just a little bit.
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And this message, as you guys know, has been packaged.
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20 years ago, it was Your Best Life Now by Joel Osteen.
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10 years ago, it was Lean In by Sheryl Sandberg.
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A few years ago, it was Girl, Wash Your Face by Rachel Hollis.
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Now, each of these books do have truths in them, including this book, The Let Them Theory.
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But as Christians, we have a responsibility to discern.
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Now, this word discern, I looked into the etymology of this word.
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We get this word from the Latin word discernere, or discernere, I guess.
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I'm not sure exactly how to pronounce that last E there, which means to separate or to sift apart.
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Now, if you think about this word sift, the word comes from Old English, and it means to pass something through a sieve or a fine mesh sleeve, like a strainer to keep what you want to keep, let go of the things that you want to let go of.
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So for the Christian, this strainer, this sieve for every idea, concept, and philosophy is the word of God, which is our only inerrant, infallible, God-breathed, written authority that we have.
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So to discern means that we're not just seeing two options and choosing the right one over the wrong one, although that is part of our responsibility.
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But really, this is about carefully separating the good from the bad and the good from the best.
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It is about distinguishing between worldly right and biblical right, between what sounds good and what is good, between worldly wisdom and godly wisdom.
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Now, when we do this, there are people, even other professing Christians, who will mock you for questioning popular theories.
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They'll wag their fingers at you for, say, questioning whether empathy should be our highest virtue, or if self-love is really required to love other people well, or whether Taylor Swift is really a positive role model for women, etc.
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They'll call you a Pharisee, a fundamentalist, judgmental, they'll say all of these things have changed their lives, and how dare you question it at all.
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And while we do, as Christians, have to be careful not to become self-righteous, we should never be shamed out of being discerning.
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And this is not me calling this entire theory satanic.
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I'll get into the good and the bad and the ugly.
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This is me just reminding us of the importance of discernment.
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One, Satan disguises himself as an angel of light.
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And then he also uses half-truths to relay a whole lie.
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He did this with Jesus himself in the wilderness, using God's word to try to persuade Jesus to give in to temptation.
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So don't ever stop testing popular mantras and ideas that the world offers you, even when you feel like you are the only one.
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There are thousands and thousands of Christians who not only listen to this podcast, but are weighing what they hear and what they think against the word of God.
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And y'all, thousands of those women are coming to share the arrows on October 11th.
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Like, I'm just, I've got the anticipation growing.
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All the memories from last year are coming back.
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The, how it felt that day to walk into the venue, to see all of you, to worship alongside you.
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Like, I have to look into a camera every time I do this podcast.
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And while I do my best to picture my audience, like in the carpool line or doing dishes or going on a walk with your kids, like sometimes it can be hard to feel connected to you on a day-to-day basis.
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So what a blessing it is just to get to sit and learn and encourage with all of you.
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And that's what you're going to get at Share the Arrows.
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You are going to be reminded that you are not alone.
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You are going to make lifelong friendships, y'all.
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One of the messages said, I walked out of there with zero fear of man.
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Candice Cameron Bure just posted about Share the Arrows.
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She spoke last year and she said, look, this conference is not for the faint of heart.
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You want to go deep theologically in apologetics, how to apply those things to every sphere of your life.
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If you go to sharethearrows.com, you can get your ticket today.
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And you can use any first name of any of the speakers plus the number 15 when you press unlock on Ticketmaster.
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We've got VIP options as well if you're interested in our VIP dinner and meeting some of the speakers.
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It's brought to you by our friends at Every Life this year.
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And before we get into the rest of our episode, let me tell you about 7 Weeks Coffee.
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Y'all, how many lives have been saved just because you have allowed your coffee to serve a higher purpose?
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Like, you will get to heaven and you will meet some of the moms and babies that your purchase helped save and helped encourage one day.
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And that is just an amazing thought, how the Lord works together all of the efforts of believers to give himself glory and to benefit other people.
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Okay, I'm just going to warn you for those who sometimes have complaints about the number of ads.
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I'm just going to warn you because I waited 15 minutes to do my first ad.
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Some of these are going to be kind of close together.
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It's how you get to listen to and watch this show for free.
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And plus, I know that you guys love hearing about how to support Christian and values-aligned companies.
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She created this productivity theory or tool called the five-second rule.
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It basically involves counting and then doing the thing that you don't want to do.
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And this kind of launched her self-help career.
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And that has amassed like 20 million YouTube views or already had by 2019.
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Her background, her worldview is informed by spiritualism and also Buddhism.
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She says this, I am a deeply spiritual person and my husband is a Buddhist, but I still love
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going to church like I did with my parents when I was young.
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And she visited a church service on Easter a couple years ago.
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She says, that day I was reminded that every one of us will experience many small deaths in
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When times get dark, always remember at some point that the boulder in front of you, wow,
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she's really using this resurrection imagery here.
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The boulder in front of you will be gone and the light will shine back and you will rise
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Life is an ever ending, never ending cycle of small deaths and experiences of rebirth.
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No matter where you are in that cycle, have faith that love and goodness are coming soon.
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The story of Easter is reminding you that every time you feel like a part of you is dying,
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you need to hold hope and belief and faith that better days are coming, that goodness,
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that love, that light will emerge and that you will be reborn anew.
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Okay, so to her, and this is very common among even people who call themselves Christians,
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but progressive Christians, and that is this belief that the resurrection is a metaphor.
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They see Jesus as either a moral teacher or even an archetype that we should aspire to,
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They don't see his resurrection as something that literally happened bodily,
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that is a miracle that confirms his divinity and confirms his power.
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They don't think of it as this is true resurrection hope for those who believe in Jesus,
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and that we get to spend eternity with him by grace through faith in him.
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They're not believing in the gospel, and self-help gurus think this way.
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and how can we kind of take them from their original form
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and turn them into something that is practical and helpful for me right now?
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And that might sound like an okay interpretation and application of scripture,
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but when you strip scripture and the gospel story of its real meaning and real purpose,
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when you reduce Jesus to just an archetype or kind of a mascot,
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like some superhero, fictional superhero that you can look to,
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then you rob the gospel of its power and you can't allow it to work in your life,
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which of course would be a lot more miraculous than you getting your you-know-what together
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because you use the resurrection as a metaphor.
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So she uses Buddhism to kind of inform her beliefs about the let them theory
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And before we get into a little bit more about Buddhism,
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I just want to read you this analysis about the let them theory from psychology today.
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At its core, the let them theory is grounded in the psychological locus of control theory
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The locus of control attribution theory distinguishes between external,
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And then she goes on, the psychologist for psychology today goes on to say,
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the let them theory intersects significantly with Buddhist principles,
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which emphasizes letting go of the desire to control outcomes as a path to inner peace.
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Additionally, it touches on attachment theory in psychology,
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which shows how those with anxious attachment styles may seek control to secure emotional safety.
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The let them theory offers a liberating alternative,
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promoting security through acceptance and detachment,
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embodying the Toltec wisdom of letting go with love and without fear.
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a philosophy that teaches the release of attachment to foster emotional and spiritual freedom.
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Now, Buddhism, there's a lot that we could get into with Buddhism.
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There is an emphasis on solitude and silence and avoidance of all conflict.
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because there's like a graven image of this Buddha guy that people bow down to.
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But also in Christianity, we see an emphasis on community.
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We see an emphasis on meditating richly on scripture,
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which actually makes you vulnerable to all kinds of lies and Satan's voice.
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And so Buddhism and Christianity diverge in many, many ways.
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Of course, the biggest one being that it is a false religion,
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but it has become vogue over the past several years,
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probably several decades in the West for even professing Christian leaders to say,
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oh, let's just abandon Western ways of thinking,
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and how we interpret Christianity and religion today is just Westernized.
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And we've glorified these Eastern mystical ways of living and thinking,
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And there's a reason why Eastern cultures are the way that they are,
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because they are heavily emphasized or heavily influenced by paganism.
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Now, what's interesting about the let them theory is that it draws upon Buddhism.
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Mel Robbins says that she relies on ancient ways of thinking,
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therapeutic modalities, major world religions such as Stoicism and other spiritual practices.
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But what is intriguing is that there are no references to any Bible verses in the book
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So the most popular, most influential religious worldview out there,
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especially in the West where she lives, like no drawing from that whatsoever.
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The only religious teaching that we saw included, like truly religious, not just a philosophy,
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Buddhism and radical acceptance teach that suffering comes from resisting reality.
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The pain we feel often stems from wishing things were different than they were.
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The let them theory helps you not only accept reality,
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but also separate yourself from the need to change it.
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You acknowledge that others' actions and choices are not yours to control.
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And in doing so, you reclaim your emotional freedom.
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This is radical acceptance in its most empowering form.
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And for the Christian, like we're going to get into this more,
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Certainly resisting reality can cause suffering,
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but sometimes it is the reality that is causing suffering.
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And suffering is not always something to avoid in the Christian life.
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It is something to actually accept with the help of Christ.
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And it might not have anything to do with your mindset or your locus of control.
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So right there, we should already be seeing things that make us go,
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Now, there is some controversy about where this idea actually comes from.
00:25:10.260
And I think that's relevant as we analyze the validity of this theory.
00:25:14.160
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Okay, so there's a woman by the name of Cassie Phillips.
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that she posted a poem called Let Them on Facebook in 2022.
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She says she wrote this poem, that it went viral at the time.
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And she also posted a photo of the phrase Let Them tattooed on her forearm.
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She now alleges that Mel Robbins took her concept and hasn't given her credit.
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So let me just read you a few lines of this poem.
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If they want to choose something or someone over you, let them.
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If they want to go weeks without talking to you, let them.
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You were never theirs because you were always your own.
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Let them show you who they truly are, not tell you.
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Let them prove how worthy they are of your time.
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Let them make the necessary steps to be a part of your life.
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Let them call you to talk about ordinary things.
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Let them talk about anything and everything just because it's you.
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Let them see the heart in you that didn't harden.
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And obviously, again, I don't agree with all of the concepts interwoven in here.
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The point is that this theory, almost in its entirety, was clearly articulated by someone
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And she claims that she was kind of the person that put this out there and that Mel Robbins
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must have seen it, which of course we don't know, and then decided to run with it without
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So Cassie Phillips posted on one of Mel Robbins' posts a while ago saying, it was inspired by
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That is where the theory originated and where it went viral.
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She also says that she reached out to Mel Robbins in 2023.
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So this would have been before the book came out.
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But when Mel Robbins was talking about it, actually very quickly after she first started talking
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about it on Instagram and on her podcast, just a few days after that, Cassie says that
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I, however, am the originator of the theory and the mantra that went viral beginning the
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The quotes in the theory came afterwards in my post that went viral.
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Again, thank you for sharing my theory and going into detail about how it works for you.
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So it sounds to me, if we are to take this person's words as truth, it sounds to me like
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I don't know that she necessarily faults Mel Robbins for being savvy and for having an amazing
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In some ways, all ideas or most ideas originated from someone else and people are adding on to
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them. But using that phrase verbatim, I'm sure hurt.
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And she probably just wanted some credit for it.
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But Robbins, when confronted with this accusation, told the New York Post that she didn't take the
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I built an entire theory citing the work of over 50 world-renowned experts and turned it into a tool
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So I don't think that she is arguing that she originated the words or that she originated the
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idea. But she is saying, look, I did all of these other things and that's why people are paying me the
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Robbins reiterated, people can obsess over any detail, but the facts are simple.
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And it was not and will never be the source of inspiration for my book.
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She said, I've spent 10 years shining a light on other people's work.
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So the allegation that I would steal someone else's work is ridiculous.
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As I write in the let them theory, you cannot control what people say, do or feel or choose
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What I would probably say to that is that it is possible.
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If we are to give her the benefit of the doubt, it is certainly possible that she saw that idea
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circling and she had no idea where it came from.
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She didn't know that it came from a viral poem.
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She just saw it out there and she said, wow, I'm going to expound upon that.
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And, you know, she didn't she didn't know that it came from this Cassie Phillips person or she
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Although I do think that when you start digging into an idea, you it would be hard not to
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come across something with that exact phraseology that had already gone viral.
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Maybe she didn't know where it started from, perhaps.
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She says that she got this idea very organically from her daughter on her son's prom night that
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Never in a million years did I think I would be telling you that my life changed at a high
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I can't believe this is where it happened, but I was at a high school.
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I discovered something at a high school prom that changed my life.
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I just heard about this thing called the let them theory.
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The high school prom that she's claimed as the original epiphany moment for her discovery
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happened the day after she told us that she had just learned about the theory.
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Okay, so that commentary right there was someone named Andy Moore.
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You really have to watch that, by the way, to understand what's going on in that moment
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You can see them highlighted if you're watching on Spotify or on YouTube.
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So there are some questions about when this happened, how this happened, where she really
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What is not in question is the power of her platform and her effectiveness in communicating
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So she believes, she says that the theory strikes a nerve because controlling behavior is a common
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struggle that is driven by our anxiety or a need for certainty.
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And she is saying, when you catch yourself doing it, you are fighting against the current, drop
00:33:20.360
the oars, and the boat naturally just floats downstream.
00:33:23.960
Robbins names three situations where the let them theory should not apply.
00:33:27.540
When someone is doing something dangerous, like driving drunk, or when you need to advocate
00:33:32.460
for yourself negotiating a salary, or when someone repeatedly crosses your boundaries.
00:33:38.180
So if you're in a situation where you need to ask for what you need or advocate for yourself,
00:33:46.820
She says here, she assumes that if you have set healthy boundaries, that you have set healthy
00:33:51.740
boundaries and doesn't actually teach you how to set them or enforce them, but she's
00:33:55.540
just saying people have violated your boundaries.
00:33:57.440
You can't let them do that, or you have to remove yourself from that situation.
00:34:03.360
She also says that there are three ways to apply the let them theory.
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Okay, so three ways to apply the let them theory.
00:35:31.140
Use the theory to detach from emotional struggles that are caused by others' actions or unmet
00:35:37.320
Allow others to face consequences to grow and take responsibility.
00:35:42.020
So Robbins shares an example of a school policy not to bring forgotten lunches, stating,
00:35:49.880
It's in the consequence of not doing something that you learn that this is important to you.
00:35:54.920
I'm just imagining letting your kindergartner like starve or like not get lunch.
00:36:01.120
Let them starve because they forgot their lunch one day.
00:36:06.040
You'll learn, little girl, not to forget your lunch.
00:36:13.640
But she says, also stop trying to change others to fit your vision of their potential.
00:36:20.060
Robbins notes, we all make the mistake of getting into relationships with the potential.
00:36:25.180
And when you focus on someone's potential, you're not letting them be themselves.
00:36:30.100
She also explains that jealousy is a form of control, often rooted in the fear of not being
00:36:38.860
She advises using the let them theory to let partners or friends engage in activities
00:36:42.960
that make them happy, like spending time with others.
00:36:45.460
She says, if you want more love, which is why you're jealous, then let them do what they're
00:36:51.240
You're showing them that you love them as they are.
00:36:57.000
She also provides three tools to apply the theory.
00:37:00.020
She says, you should ask, what am I afraid of to identify the root of your controlling behavior?
00:37:05.380
Ask what business am I in to focus on your own actions and feelings rather than others?
00:37:10.800
Ask what feels more like peace to choose actions that align with emotional calm over control.
00:37:17.220
She also says that there's another part of the let them theory, and that is let me.
00:37:22.680
And that's an important part of this detachment from trying to control others and instead shifting
00:37:30.480
your energy towards being able to control what you can control.
00:37:35.440
Let me is the most important part because let me is when you remind yourself, let me
00:37:43.840
Let me remind myself that my thoughts are in my control.
00:37:51.340
Let me remind myself that no matter what's happening out there, I get to choose what's
00:38:00.040
I think that we can agree that there is some truth to what she just said there.
00:38:03.640
Now, she also emphasizes within this part of the let them theory that it's all about
00:38:13.040
That's what we've been hearing for years, especially from all these female influencers.
00:38:17.020
And they act like this is the most radical, empowering, novel idea that, wow, you should
00:38:22.640
just think about yourself and love yourself more.
00:38:26.660
The truth is everything you're looking for starts with you.
00:38:39.100
Let me choose relationships that uplift and inspire me.
00:38:42.780
Let me love myself enough to walk away when it just no longer works.
00:38:48.120
Love doesn't require you to wait for the right partner or the right friend or the right opportunity
00:38:54.240
It's about recognizing that you are the source of your own happiness, your own fulfillment
00:39:01.160
And when you truly embrace that, everything else falls into place.
00:39:13.280
How you feel about yourself is incredibly fickle.
00:39:16.680
It changes depending on how you slept last night, what you ate that morning, what people
00:39:22.260
are saying on the internet that day, what time of the month it is.
00:39:26.480
If you rely on yourself for your own happiness, you are going to not only be exhausted, but ironically,
00:39:33.200
you're also going to be very sad because what have we said for years now, what did I write
00:39:40.140
The self can't be both the problem and the solution.
00:39:43.700
If inside yourself, you are finding anxiety and doubt and all of these very real feelings
00:39:50.840
of depression and inadequacy, you are not going to find the solution to those things in the
00:40:01.500
It is just a repackaged version of self-love, self-help slop that leads women into this world
00:40:17.940
I have this phrase that's going to make me happy.
00:40:22.360
And I'm finally going to find that satisfaction, that success, that true love that I've been
00:40:27.600
And they go on this hamster wheel of self-empowerment only to find that it leads them nowhere.
00:40:39.500
And the fact of the matter is, is that life does not allow you to disentangle yourself from
00:40:49.140
Life does not allow you to always prioritize your own happiness.
00:40:54.660
Sometimes it's not your happiness that matters.
00:40:57.420
Sometimes you are not the thing or the person that matters at all in a situation.
00:41:02.320
I can think of a lot of relationships and a lot of obligations and a lot of situations
00:41:07.500
where what is being called for is your complete and total self-denial, not your self-empowerment.
00:41:14.140
And so I understand why Mel Robbins is so popular, because people are always thinking, okay, maybe
00:41:25.900
This is the way that I can be my own happiness.
00:41:30.760
I mean, this has been the human propensity since the Garden of Eden.
00:41:35.160
And yet, I promise, you will end up, if what she just said is the guiding mantra of your
00:41:43.320
life, you will end up very sad and very lonely and very unfulfilled.
00:41:50.680
Now, she is going to be very rich, but you will be very impoverished when it comes to the
00:42:00.720
satisfaction and fulfillment that you are seeking in your life.
00:42:03.680
Now, there are people out there already saying this, that, hey, I tried this and this doesn't
00:42:11.380
I tried the let them theory and it is, you know, it's not working for me.
00:42:18.840
Here's a TikTok user who shared her disagreement about this let them theory.
00:42:25.480
I'm coming on here to say that I disagree with the Mel Robbins let them theory.
00:42:31.160
She's like, your friends go out to dinner and leave you out.
00:42:35.060
Your boyfriend doesn't buy you flowers when you want him to.
00:42:40.260
I'm going to be like, guys, why did you leave me out?
00:42:56.340
I think probably just to give Mel Robbins' theory a little bit of advocacy here, I think
00:43:04.880
the devil's advocate position would be, well, sure, you can stick up for yourself or you
00:43:10.340
can confront someone, but you have to release yourself from expending all of your energy
00:43:15.060
and trying to change what they think or what they do.
00:43:18.660
You can tell them your feelings and you can confront them about it, but at the end of
00:43:23.460
the day, don't spend all of your energy trying to change that person.
00:43:27.260
If you want to break up with your boyfriend, break up with them.
00:43:28.980
If you want to confront your friends, confront them, but don't waste your time trying to change
00:43:34.380
them or control them because you can't do that.
00:43:38.300
I'm kind of defending the truth of the let them theory or what it actually is arguing.
00:43:44.020
So at seven, I already know those patterns and those behaviors are unhealthy.
00:43:49.660
I know that that is why I'm coming here to read the book.
00:43:52.220
I need you to help me because I am expecting you to have done research on what strategies
00:43:58.320
exist so that I change those unhealthy behaviors.
00:44:03.860
Books like the let them theory assume that their audience is not intelligent, but if they
00:44:09.020
feed them these very aspirational, big picture words, their less than intelligent audience
00:44:19.600
And that gets down to a lot of people's problem with the let them theory, even just from a secular
00:44:28.560
People are like, OK, I lost my friends because I let them or this happened with my employee or
00:44:39.020
Or, hey, I let them leave me out, but now I'm really lonely.
00:44:45.180
And I think that is a big deficit with this theory.
00:44:48.600
And again, we'll get into a little bit more about the goods and the bads and the biblical
00:44:53.520
But people are already starting to feel, OK, this might be like a stopgap saying let them
00:45:01.680
in your mind when someone won't do what you want them to do might be able to get you through
00:45:11.200
But the problem still needs to be solved and the emotion still needs to be addressed.
00:45:15.740
And now maybe your life is in shambles because you left these people and these problems run
00:45:20.660
amok and all you did was release them without thinking, OK, but how do I wisely navigate this?
00:45:27.840
And so as people are realizing, OK, well, what's the what is the solution to all of this?
00:45:34.000
Then we'll get into that in just a second, because thankfully we do have the answers.
00:45:47.800
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So Melissa Doherty, a guest that we've had on the show before, she did a review of the
00:47:02.820
Let Them Theory, and she points out some really sound critiques, I think.
00:47:07.860
She says that the book was endorsed by Oprah Winfrey.
00:47:12.300
So that's a point against it in the Christian worldview, because Oprah Winfrey teaches and
00:47:18.680
Now, if you want to know what new thought is, you can read Melissa's book.
00:47:22.220
You can go back to the episode that we did with Melissa.
00:47:24.600
We will link it in the description of this episode.
00:47:28.780
And new thought emphasizes the power of positive thinking, the belief that individuals possess
00:47:35.440
some kind of inner divinity, often described as Christ consciousness.
00:47:42.760
This is, again, seeing Jesus as some kind of archetype, and that we can actually kind of
00:47:51.800
This is what I wrote about, and you're not enough, and that's okay.
00:47:55.300
That inside, we have these inner goddesses that are just waiting to be released.
00:48:00.260
And right now, they're held back by other people's expectations, by society's arbitrary designations
00:48:10.440
And once we finally love ourselves and see ourselves as we really are these powerful goddesses,
00:48:17.700
then this inner divine spark will be unleashed, and we'll finally be satisfied, and we'll be
00:48:23.660
Like, this is the narrative that is being packaged and repackaged for women over and over again.
00:48:35.120
For a lot of these people, they believe that their theories have credibility because they're
00:48:43.400
But Jesus tells us that richness, that wealth is not necessarily an indication of God's favor,
00:48:50.700
or that you're credible, or that you're righteous, that people should be listening to you at all.
00:48:56.260
Of course, everything we have is a gift from God, but we also read that it is harder for
00:49:02.240
a rich person to enter the kingdom of heaven than it is for a camel to go through the eye
00:49:07.540
Now, with God, all things are possible, but we know that wealth can actually be an inhibitor
00:49:19.440
Um, also, Melissa Doherty points out that the book's self-focused advice prioritizes personal
00:49:27.860
She cites this page, 124, your job and responsibility is to live your life in a way that is aligned
00:49:33.340
with your values and what you know deep down is true for you.
00:49:38.040
So completely arbitrary, doesn't give people any direction whatsoever who are like, wait,
00:49:46.480
What kind of standards should I be aspiring to?
00:49:48.620
What kind of prism should I use to discern the correct decision to make?
00:49:55.160
And so I think that this is almost used, the let them is almost used as like an incantation
00:50:01.960
to remind yourself of some magical power to make you let go of these things that you can't
00:50:16.340
So like the truth about the let them theory, here's the truth.
00:50:22.360
The truth is that you can't control other people.
00:50:28.880
Since you can't control other people, you should stop spending your energy frustrated by
00:50:33.700
them, anxious about them, trying to fix them or change them.
00:50:38.060
Your friend no longer wants to be friends with you because of your politics, let them.
00:50:44.120
Your spouse doesn't load the dishwasher right, let them.
00:50:47.400
Your child doesn't want to play soccer this season, let them.
00:51:04.140
Now, sometimes healthy confrontation is necessary.
00:51:08.480
And of course, I think Mel Robbins would agree with this part.
00:51:10.800
You always protect yourself and others from physical harm, but you shouldn't carry the
00:51:16.140
emotional weight, this theory would say, of trying to fix them.
00:51:19.700
And here's the thing, is that the pain of letting people do wrong or not meet your very
00:51:28.960
And the consequences of letting them can be real.
00:51:33.920
And obviously, there are just some very specific contexts in which you cannot allow people to
00:51:40.400
Like you cannot allow your children, you can't just let your children do things.
00:51:45.660
I mean, there are many instances in motherhood where you can't just let them, that you actually
00:51:54.300
So it might be more accurate to say, let the little things go.
00:51:59.860
But there are some things that you have to take authority over that involve other people.
00:52:09.600
What do we do with our very real feelings that come with the consequence of letting them?
00:52:17.020
Now, the answer from the let them theory is yourself.
00:52:20.660
So the lies that we see from the let them theory is that the goal is the self, self-fulfillment,
00:52:27.480
self-power, self-reliance, self-help, self-discovery, self-focus.
00:52:36.060
She says, when you love yourself, you glow from the inside.
00:52:40.600
You attract people who love, respect, and appreciate your energy.
00:52:44.300
Everything starts with how you feel about yourself.
00:52:47.720
Now, before we even get into scripture, ask yourself if that's true.
00:52:52.300
The people who focus the most on themselves and how they feel and how everything is affecting
00:53:03.100
Are those the most confident and glowing people that you know?
00:53:07.700
Are those the most stable people that you know?
00:53:09.800
Or very often, are those the most insecure and bitter and unstable people that you know
00:53:17.120
because they are so very concerned about their own feelings and about their own happiness?
00:53:23.500
Now, let's get into the most important thing here, what the Bible has to say.
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The only time that we see this concept of self-love in scripture, it is spoken of negatively.
00:54:59.340
I think we actually said this passage last week on the show too.
00:55:03.200
But understand this, that in the last days, there will come times of difficulty for people
00:55:07.420
will be lovers of self, lovers of money, proud, arrogant, abusive, disobedient to their parents,
00:55:13.940
ungrateful and holy, heartless, unappeasable, slanders without self-control, brutal, not loving,
00:55:19.180
good, treacherous, reckless, swollen with conceit, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God,
00:55:25.100
having the appearance of godliness, but denying its power.
00:55:29.040
Wow, that's a lot of what we just read and watched.
00:55:32.440
Avoid such people, for among them are those who creep into households and capture weak women.
00:55:39.040
I wonder who the primary audience is of this self-empowerment stuff.
00:55:42.840
Burdened with sins and led astray by various passions, always learning, but never able to arrive
00:55:51.480
That is the consistent target audience for this self-help stuff.
00:55:57.480
The only positive kind of self-thing, self-dash something that we see in Scripture is self-control,
00:56:07.800
So really, what we see in Scripture is that the self is something that doesn't need to be liberated.
00:56:16.780
Our flesh needs to be told, no, our emotions need to be bridled by Jesus.
00:56:23.100
They're not always bad, but they have to be in submission to objective reality and biblical truth.
00:56:33.160
If any man thinks ill of you, don't be angry with him, for you are worse than he thinks you to be.
00:56:38.460
So that is actually the biblical way of releasing our anxiety over what other people think of us,
00:56:55.640
They don't know the sin that Jesus had to save me from.
00:56:58.420
They don't know all of the layers of corruption and deceit that are in my heart that I desperately
00:57:03.180
need Jesus to not only save me from, but sanctify me of.
00:57:06.760
When we see ourselves in that humble light, that is actually what releases us from this
00:57:12.200
anxiety of being thought of in a particular way.
00:57:15.820
Remember, the self can't be both the problem and the solution.
00:57:24.660
And the solution is getting a new self, not getting an improved self, not getting a liberated
00:57:33.520
Second Corinthians 5, 17 through 18 says, therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation.
00:57:41.780
All this is from God who through Christ reconciled us to himself.
00:57:46.640
That is what the freedom, that is where the freedom comes from.
00:57:49.840
Look, people want solutions for how to be happier, more successful, more satisfied.
00:57:54.800
I think they really like Mel Robbins' tough love approach.
00:58:02.160
That's another reason why people love Dave Ramsey.
00:58:04.560
It's just like, tell me how to get out of this toxic situation, how to feel better and
00:58:10.100
And I think a lot of their tips can really work.
00:58:13.160
And in bits and pieces, they can be true because all truth is God's truth, no matter who's saying
00:58:19.240
And in as far as something is biblically true, of course, it can be right and it can be helpful.
00:58:25.320
But the problem is, is that they are half-truths.
00:58:28.860
And when followed wholesale, they will lead you in a bad direction.
00:58:34.540
Sproul said, no matter how much knowledge a psychiatrist or psychologist or a sociologist
00:58:39.320
or even a theologian has about human behavior, it is at best severely limited.
00:58:43.940
It's the knowledge and the advice and the recommendation of someone who lacks one quality,
00:58:53.780
Our presupposition as Christians is that the advice and the counsel that we receive from
00:58:57.820
scripture is the insight and the counsel and the advice of the omniscient one speaking to
00:59:10.940
Don't be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving,
00:59:18.180
And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ
00:59:23.600
So there's the true, not let them theory, but let God theology.
00:59:31.400
So instead of let them theory, we have the let God theology.
00:59:37.980
Let him give you peace in exchange for your anxiety.
00:59:41.960
So here he acknowledges your anxiety and he tells you what to actually do about it.
00:59:50.520
Give me your difficult yoke, and I will replace it with something light and easy.
00:59:54.940
I will give you the peace that passes the understanding that you have of this current situation,
00:59:59.740
the complications of your current relationship.
01:00:02.640
Whatever difficulty is in this circumstance, give that to me because I am doing something
01:00:08.440
And I love you and I have plans to prosper you and not to harm you.
01:00:12.120
That doesn't necessarily mean earthly success or earthly prosperity or earthly healing,
01:00:19.200
but it does mean that God is working all things together for the good of those who love him.
01:00:26.000
So the release that you feel comes from surrender to Christ.
01:00:32.760
1 Peter 5.7, cast all your anxieties on him because he cares for you.
01:00:38.780
Proverbs 3.5-6, trust in the Lord with all your heart.
01:00:42.140
Don't lean on your own understanding in all your ways.
01:00:44.960
Acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.
01:00:52.700
Come to me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.
01:00:58.420
Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart,
01:01:06.760
That word used for rest there means inward peace while outwardly laboring.
01:01:12.520
So while you are fulfilling your responsibilities, while you are doing all the things that you have
01:01:17.520
to do, maybe you're busy, maybe your schedule is full and you can't just stop for an hour
01:01:25.620
Jesus gives you inward rest and inward renewal, no matter what others are doing.
01:01:31.240
So instead of focusing on yourself, focus on Christ.
01:01:36.720
Focus on the value and the worth and the love that he has given you by what he has done on
01:01:43.360
Because your ability to remind yourself of all of the catchy mantras, to love yourself,
01:01:49.020
to empower yourself, remember, is so unreliable.
01:01:53.280
But Hebrews 13.8 tells us that Jesus is the same yesterday, today, and forever.
01:01:58.580
So you can always look to the immovable signal of how loved you are, and that is on the cross.
01:02:06.180
And the sacrifice that he made for you and the blood that he poured out for you, that
01:02:15.860
That is better than all of the self-help theories that will come and go for the next several
01:02:24.360
At the end of the day, your satisfaction will only be found in the gospel.