Relatable with Allie Beth Stuckey - Ep 1272 ｜ Your Self-Care Is Making You Weak： Therapist Drops Hard Truths ｜ RaQuel Hopkins

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00:01:09.160 Your pain is not special.

00:01:11.800 Not all of your emotions are valid, and life is not all about you.

00:01:17.600 These are the messages from this countercultural mental health expert that we've got on the

00:01:24.760 show today.

00:01:25.700 Raquel Hopkins is known as the capacity expert on Instagram.

00:01:29.460 I came across her posts earlier this year, and I thought, wow, we are on the same page,

00:01:34.660 and you don't hear a lot of mental health professionals making the statements that she does.

00:01:39.500 She's got some tough love for us today that I know you guys are going to love.

00:01:42.880 This episode is brought to you by our friends at Good Ranchers.

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00:01:46.520 Use code Allie at checkout. 1.00

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00:01:59.240 Raquel, thanks so much for taking the time to join us.

00:02:02.300 Could you tell everyone who you are and what you do?

00:02:04.700 Yes.

00:02:06.520 I'm currently in a season of transition, so I don't know what I do.

00:02:11.300 Okay.

00:02:12.400 I think that what I'm called to be doing is finding ways to support people in developing

00:02:18.960 and transforming into the best version of themselves.

00:02:22.080 So whether that's in the corporate space or having conversations around mental health.

00:02:26.940 Okay.

00:02:27.340 And you're a coach, right?

00:02:29.000 I'm a coach.

00:02:29.920 I'm a licensed therapist, and I also work in the HR space.

00:02:34.100 So my whole life is centered around dealing with people.

00:02:38.400 Yes.

00:02:38.840 Okay.

00:02:39.080 Tell me a little bit about what we were talking about off camera.

00:02:42.440 You said, what'd you call it?

00:02:44.360 Educrastination.

00:02:45.500 Educrastination.

00:02:46.300 And the educrastination, going back to school when you don't know what to do,

00:02:50.260 led you to where you are, right?

00:02:51.860 Yep.

00:02:52.200 So I was in the HR space, and I was working as VP of HR at the time, and in 2019, I was

00:03:01.820 like, there has to be more to life than this.

00:03:04.020 It's nice to be able to, I guess, have a sense of freedom from a financial standpoint, but

00:03:09.500 I just didn't feel like I was giving back in any way besides the people that were closest

00:03:16.360 to me, and I decided to go back to school to get this second master's in clinical and mental

00:03:21.880 health counseling, and when I started the program, I was like, oh, what is this?

00:03:28.680 And once I got into the program, I found another passion of mine, which has always been

00:03:35.700 helping people, supporting people, and as I started to pay attention to the conversations

00:03:41.840 around mental health, I was like, hmm, we've kind of lost the plot.

00:03:46.000 So let me go back to this educrastination, because I just made a decision last week to

00:03:50.980 go back to school again.

00:03:52.300 Oh, my goodness.

00:03:53.740 Okay.

00:03:54.900 It's not because I don't have clarity.

00:03:57.200 I think that what I'm really leaning into is I really love learning, and when it comes

00:04:02.680 to my craft, I really want to be the best, whatever that means or whatever that looks like.

00:04:07.080 So I think I'm going to go back to school and get my doctorates.

00:04:10.020 Okay.

00:04:10.480 So I told you first.

00:04:12.060 Okay.

00:04:12.280 So next time you're on, maybe, maybe not next time, but at some point, you'll be Dr.

00:04:17.380 Hopkins.

00:04:18.020 Yes.

00:04:18.740 Possibly.

00:04:19.260 Okay.

00:04:19.580 That's exciting.

00:04:20.740 Yes.

00:04:20.940 Okay.

00:04:21.260 So you mentioned something there.

00:04:22.820 You said once you started taking these mental health courses, you got your second master's,

00:04:27.220 you started seeing that we kind of lost the plot when it comes to mental health.

00:04:31.660 What do you mean by that?

00:04:32.560 So if we go to, so I'll just take you back to when I was actually in this program.

00:04:40.980 So as we're reading about the pros and cons of what it means to be a human and experiencing

00:04:47.040 life, I just read it or interpret the information as just pros and cons.

00:04:52.440 If you grow up in a two-parent household, single-parent household, there are going to be pros and cons to

00:04:56.820 all of those things.

00:04:57.700 And I remember coming across a definition of mental health that I cannot find today.

00:05:01.900 And I really wish that I could, but there was one word in there and it was optimization.

00:05:06.020 And I was like, optimization.

00:05:07.440 So I'm not supposed to protect my peace, protect my mental health.

00:05:11.700 What would it look like for me to actually optimize my mental health?

00:05:16.540 And that's where things started changing for me.

00:05:18.780 So another thing that was interesting during this period is I was in this program during COVID.

00:05:24.240 The world was struggling at that time, right?

00:05:27.600 So it was like we were doubling down on making people feel good, but it still was not in alignment

00:05:33.620 with textbook per se in terms of how we support people.

00:05:37.800 So as a person, as an individual going through the program, I'm always looking at the information.

00:05:43.640 How could this help me?

00:05:45.240 Because if I can't figure out how to apply this to my life, I don't know how I can necessarily

00:05:49.680 support others.

00:05:50.700 So I started exploring beyond what was being offered in the textbook.

00:05:55.060 I'm a reader.

00:05:55.640 I love reading.

00:05:56.920 And I started learning about adult development and just pulling the layers back.

00:06:01.700 And I just realized that we had started talking about mental health in a way that did not support

00:06:07.380 the complexity of what it means to be human and just the dynamics of your mental health being

00:06:15.120 having the ability to be flexible and agile and just dynamic.

00:06:19.560 We had gotten, well, we still are there today to where people hear the word mental health

00:06:24.800 and it's almost like a safe word.

00:06:26.340 Like if Allie uses the word mental health or I have to be cautious or mindful of what

00:06:32.960 I say to her.

00:06:34.220 And to me, that's entirely wrong.

00:06:36.880 Yeah.

00:06:37.420 So when you saw that definition of optimization, I'd love for you to break that down.

00:06:41.160 So you liked that definition.

00:06:43.540 Loved it.

00:06:44.000 It's better than you're saying, you said, wait, I'm not supposed to protect my peace

00:06:48.740 because just from an outsider perspective, definitely what I hear from a lot of therapists

00:06:54.240 or pseudo therapists online is that it's all about protecting yourself, your self-care,

00:06:58.760 your space, your peace, whatever it is.

00:07:01.640 But it sounds like the optimization definition that you heard got your wheels turning, right?

00:07:07.900 Mm-hmm.

00:07:09.840 So going back to what you're speaking to, I think that we all have to learn to care for

00:07:15.200 ourselves.

00:07:15.960 And I believe that we all have to learn to care for ourselves because as we go through

00:07:20.980 life and you experience these transitions, whether it's getting married, having children,

00:07:25.740 starting a new job, life is always going to ask you like, who are you and who is it that

00:07:30.120 you want to become?

00:07:31.040 So the ability to lose who you are is very strong as well, which is why it's important

00:07:38.560 to learn how to take care of yourself.

00:07:40.340 But taking care of yourself is not so much about protection because when I hear the word

00:07:44.480 protection, it's to keep you safe from harm and injury.

00:07:49.580 When I think about nurturing oneself, that is what mental health is more about.

00:07:56.480 Like you have to nurture yourself.

00:07:57.820 And when you start to nurture yourself, you open yourself up to other possibilities.

00:08:03.760 So you take, for example, if I am focusing on nurturing myself, I can open up to start

00:08:09.520 nurturing other things around me.

00:08:11.560 And the goal is not to become self-centered in your worldviews, your beliefs, your ways of

00:08:17.520 operating.

00:08:18.280 And I think that that foundational concept of not becoming self-centered is also related to

00:08:25.740 how we develop as humans.

00:08:28.060 At some point, we're all going to look back over our lives and say, did I live with a 1.00

00:08:31.960 sense of integrity or despair?

00:08:34.180 Like, am I proud of how I contributed to those around me?

00:08:41.520 How I showed up in the world?

00:08:43.900 So, and that's why that word optimization stood out to me because I was the queen of protect

00:08:49.960 your peace and protect your mental health.

00:08:51.600 Yeah.

00:08:52.340 But I was not happy.

00:08:53.540 Yeah.

00:08:54.760 That's kind of something that I see a lot.

00:08:56.480 The people who are most concerned with protecting themselves and putting themselves first are very

00:09:03.020 often unhappy.

00:09:04.140 And you've talked about that, this obsession with self-care.

00:09:08.120 Like what I hear you saying is that stewarding your body and yourself well, like from a Christian 0.99

00:09:13.580 perspective, I think that's part of what we are responsible for doing is caring for ourselves

00:09:17.980 well, while also meeting the needs of other people and serving people around us well.

00:09:23.060 But we hear all the time that you basically should sacrifice everything on the altar of

00:09:27.560 self-care.

00:09:28.220 What's your thought on that?

00:09:30.840 So when you say, I'll tell you what came to my mind when you said from a Christian perspective,

00:09:36.420 I think that we are responsible for helping people carry their burdens, right?

00:09:41.960 And when they say burden, like crises, if you're experiencing grief, if you're having a difficult

00:09:47.020 time, I think that where we've lost the plot is also being able to carry both.

00:09:54.600 So helping others carry their burden while also carrying your load.

00:09:57.760 And that's where the personal responsibility comes in to where you are constantly thinking

00:10:02.780 about, not constantly thinking about, but considering your mindset, your attitude, your outlook on

00:10:11.000 life.

00:10:12.260 And I think that we do not have a very good balance of those things, which is why I will

00:10:18.580 say that if you can't make the distinction between burden and load, figuring out what's

00:10:24.300 yours to carry or where you end and where you begin, it's a lack of capacity.

00:10:29.100 And I like to say it's a lack of capacity because it's a reflection of being underdeveloped.

00:10:36.080 And I don't want to, when people hear me say the word underdeveloped, we hate it as adults,

00:10:39.800 but it's no, we're, we're no different from children.

00:10:42.180 Like as adults, we don't stop growing, evolving and growing as human beings.

00:10:47.400 And in my mind, when I hear someone say that I may be underdeveloped, it doesn't mean that

00:10:51.800 I'm weak.

00:10:52.220 It just says that there's still more growing to, to happen, which is why I don't like the

00:10:56.440 whole healing and all of the terminology that we're using.

00:11:00.700 Yeah.

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00:12:36.200 You have described self-care as not about doing less, but doing more to achieve alignment,

00:12:45.800 mental clarity, and presence, even in imperfect circumstances.

00:12:49.220 And you said self-care was about how individuals chose to show up in the world, reflecting a

00:12:53.540 grounded state rather than a mere tool for relief.

00:12:56.960 What do you mean by that?

00:12:57.840 I think that a lot of times when we talk about self-care, a lot of it is the instant gratification

00:13:04.060 or I like to say managing our symptoms.

00:13:07.360 And if we are constantly focusing on managing our symptoms, whether it's overwhelm, whether

00:13:13.400 it's feeling exhausted, you never really learn how to grow through those things or find

00:13:19.780 sustainable solutions.

00:13:21.240 And so I think that you have a part of the population that's like, I just need to figure

00:13:25.080 out how to cope, how to manage these symptoms.

00:13:27.320 And then you have people that want to think about their mental health from an optimization

00:13:30.680 standpoint where they're really looking for solutions.

00:13:34.880 Do you think much of the therapy world today has made people mentally weak?

00:13:40.520 Just say it, Allie.

00:13:45.660 I would use the word fragile.

00:13:47.460 And I would say, well, yeah, I mean, call a spade a spade, right?

00:13:54.720 Yeah, we can say weak.

00:13:56.980 Yeah.

00:13:57.440 Yeah.

00:13:57.640 Because you were talking about how you actually need to work through difficult circumstances

00:14:02.140 and hard feelings and difficult relationships.

00:14:04.920 It's not always just about protecting yourself from bad feelings, right?

00:14:08.400 Mm-hmm.

00:14:09.320 Yeah.

00:14:10.100 So most people, I always say this is kind of like my motto is a lot of us want to feel better,

00:14:15.140 but does anybody really want to become better?

00:14:18.480 Because if the goal is always on feeling better, how do you actually grow as a person when we

00:14:24.900 know that our feelings are not facts, feelings are also fleeting.

00:14:29.600 And I think that we have gotten so wrapped up in validating people that we have not created

00:14:36.160 space for growth and development.

00:14:39.580 And that is a real issue.

00:14:41.500 Um, it's a real issue because I always go back to mental health is not the absence of

00:14:50.520 struggle is not the absence of, of pain.

00:14:54.320 And if you don't learn to accept that real truth and or reality, I don't know how you can

00:15:01.320 truly exist amongst others or just in this world.

00:15:06.020 Yeah.

00:15:06.460 Tell me your thoughts on empathy.

00:15:11.380 So I would agree because I, I read your book.

00:15:14.000 I did.

00:15:15.200 Um, I would agree that empathy can be toxic.

00:15:19.340 I think anytime that, anytime that empathy is not coupled with accountability, then I don't

00:15:25.920 think that that is a reflection of kindness or compassion.

00:15:29.180 I think that when I think of empathy or the definition of empathy, it's what being able

00:15:36.960 to place yourself in someone else's shoes.

00:15:39.520 But I also think that if I, if I place myself within your shoes, I also still need to understand

00:15:45.880 where I am and where you begin.

00:15:49.940 And that's where that personal responsibility comes, comes back to, uh, play.

00:15:55.740 And I think that empathy.

00:15:59.480 Cause I've been called or people have said now that I speak about mental health in the

00:16:04.660 way that I do that.

00:16:05.520 She's not an empathetic person.

00:16:07.120 And I remember when I first went viral, I was like, Oh my gosh, that really hurts because

00:16:11.520 I'm not, not an empathetic person.

00:16:14.320 I actually truly do care about people.

00:16:17.260 Now, how I choose to express that may not be in alignment with how people want to hear

00:16:22.680 it, but it still doesn't change truth.

00:16:25.680 So I do think that empathy can be toxic.

00:16:30.020 And I make the joke, I have, I have, I have a 10 year old.

00:16:33.000 It would be like, you know, when I think of soccer, like we all want the kids that can,

00:16:38.240 you know, nobody wants to weak child, right?

00:16:40.620 I'm not going to tell my kid that he's good when there's an opportunity for him to improve.

00:16:46.100 Like to me, that would be toxic empathy because the goal is to build people up.

00:16:51.460 And I can't build you up if the focus is always on affirming and or validating you.

00:16:58.360 I think the struggle though, with empathy is,

00:17:01.100 how do I not fall victim to trying to convince you of truth and creating connection?

00:17:11.060 I think that that's the hardest part.

00:17:13.360 Yeah.

00:17:13.960 I think people have lost the art of being able to connect without conceding or have compassion

00:17:20.080 without compromise.

00:17:21.220 And it is possible.

00:17:22.980 Like I think of the analogy we're talking about our kids.

00:17:25.740 Like if your child comes down and is like, Oh, there's a monster in the corner of my room.

00:17:30.380 You can express understanding and have compassion for them.

00:17:34.220 But the loving thing to do is not to send them back to the room and say, you're right.

00:17:38.800 Yeah, there is a monster.

00:17:40.200 Just, you know, go back.

00:17:42.240 It's to turn the light on.

00:17:44.040 It's to show them the truth and to say, understand that you're scared, but your fear actually isn't

00:17:49.560 grounded in reality.

00:17:50.520 Look, because even if that does hurt their feelings temporarily, that's the better thing

00:17:55.980 or else they're going to be scared forever.

00:17:57.900 And that fear is going to grow into something bigger.

00:18:00.920 Avoidance.

00:18:01.320 Yeah.

00:18:01.520 It's the same analogy that you gave with soccer.

00:18:03.960 You know, if he thinks he's, who's a soccer star?

00:18:08.180 Messy.

00:18:08.820 Isn't that someone?

00:18:10.000 And he's really not good.

00:18:11.360 Then he's going to be super disappointed.

00:18:13.160 Yeah.

00:18:13.600 When the world tells him the truth.

00:18:15.840 Yeah, exactly.

00:18:17.280 Yes.

00:18:17.580 You talk about like the danger of emotionally rescuing people.

00:18:21.320 Can you talk about what that means?

00:18:24.160 It goes back to validation and affirming people.

00:18:28.920 So when we, when we talk about emotionally rescuing someone, right, it's, if you tell me

00:18:35.360 that you're sad right now, right, the goal is most people, what they'll do is they'll wrap

00:18:41.440 their arms around you.

00:18:42.860 It's understandable that you're feeling sad.

00:18:45.280 If I was feeling this way, I would feel this way oftentimes.

00:18:50.200 And I think that, and this is something that I've been trying to figure out myself because

00:18:57.680 I know that I do it well, but it's learning to actually articulate it and explain it.

00:19:02.220 I don't validate all emotions.

00:19:05.480 And I don't validate all emotions because it's internal data.

00:19:10.620 And if it's internal data for you, you have to learn to work with that information in the

00:19:15.700 same way that you would with anything else.

00:19:17.860 So I always tell people, is it something that you need to learn from?

00:19:20.800 Is it something that you actually need to feel because you're avoiding whatever this

00:19:24.600 emotion is?

00:19:25.500 Or is it something that you need to act upon?

00:19:27.740 And most people, a lot of the mental health conversations are centered around, like, it's

00:19:36.420 important that you talk about your emotions.

00:19:38.360 Well, not really.

00:19:39.880 Like, everything doesn't necessarily deserve a seat at the table.

00:19:44.520 It's more so for you to be aware of and acknowledging your emotions, which is how I don't understand

00:19:51.740 how we've gotten into these conversations around, I don't know, your emotions matter or

00:19:57.920 your feelings matter.

00:19:59.260 No, it matters because it's internal data for you.

00:20:01.740 And in order for you to figure out how to navigate the world, you're going to have to understand

00:20:05.580 how they show up for you.

00:20:07.580 Because sadness may not show up for the same way for the both of us, just based off of how

00:20:13.160 we experience the world.

00:20:14.520 And that's the information that you need.

00:20:17.500 I have heard that phrase so much, all feelings are valid.

00:20:21.820 And I just think about the word, I always like to think about defining my terms and valid

00:20:26.780 means there's truth to it.

00:20:28.660 Like, if something is valid, that is representative of a reality.

00:20:33.160 But that's not really true when it comes to our feelings.

00:20:36.920 And I even talked to someone who's like head of SEL at a school.

00:20:40.520 And she was saying that she teaches these like kindergartners that all feelings are valid.

00:20:45.240 And I'm like, well, I don't know that I want, you know, my five-year-old to hear that her

00:20:50.980 jealousy of her sister, her anger that she has to share is valid. 0.80

00:20:55.300 We can talk about that.

00:20:57.060 And it can be a real feeling.

00:20:59.220 But valid means rooted in truth.

00:21:01.600 And I just think that's not the best message for anyone to hear, especially kids.

00:21:05.400 I would agree.

00:21:08.120 I mean, I don't teach my children that either.

00:21:11.220 I teach them to be able to express themselves, learning to figure out what you have internalized

00:21:20.380 to figure out how you want to actually move forward.

00:21:23.340 I mean, I teach my 10-year-old that, I mean, even though he'll say, it's more about my thoughts.

00:21:29.300 It's not my emotions.

00:21:30.680 I'm like, it's your emotions.

00:21:31.820 But yeah, that's so true.

00:21:35.300 How do you think this shows up even more?

00:21:37.560 Like we've already talked about it a little bit, but when we're parenting, like how do

00:21:41.980 we create these resilient kids who can overcome hard feelings and hard circumstances instead

00:21:48.520 of just, you know, empathizing and affirming with every single difficult thing they go through?

00:21:54.120 I think with children, I think it's a lot easier because those opportunities are always

00:21:58.240 presenting themselves, whether it's your kid comes home and says that someone picked on

00:22:03.700 me.

00:22:04.160 The first thing is not to say, oh my gosh, I'm so sorry.

00:22:07.080 You didn't deserve that.

00:22:08.400 The truth is like people will say things that doesn't necessarily align.

00:22:14.940 Well, people will say things that are not always kind, but I always, I'll use my son for,

00:22:20.220 as an example.

00:22:21.380 I remember when he first came home and he had told me, mom, that people are picking on me

00:22:24.880 about the size of my head and there's some truth there.

00:22:29.200 Okay.

00:22:30.780 I didn't get wrapped up on, I acknowledge that it hurts when people are not saying night,

00:22:37.400 what you consider to be nice things, but it was also son, you have to learn to live what

00:22:42.700 God, what, what God has blessed you with.

00:22:44.540 Like this is the size of your head.

00:22:46.440 You and your dad have something in common.

00:22:48.880 And because of that, how do you learn to accept how God has made you?

00:22:54.020 And I think that when, just in general, when it comes to these mental health conversations,

00:22:58.900 I think that the spirituality part is missing there because if I am made in his image or fearfully

00:23:06.580 and wonderfully made, there are some things that you're going to have to learn to accept

00:23:10.120 about your own lived realities.

00:23:13.940 And that's not always coupled with compassion and even kindness all the time.

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00:24:45.440 Do you agree also with what I've heard from a lot of like parenting experts that we need

00:24:55.960 to allow our kids to feel difficult feelings like boredom?

00:24:59.300 Like I think all of us kind of like want to alleviate difficult feelings for our kids,

00:25:04.000 including just feeling bored or not knowing what to do.

00:25:07.780 Do you think that we should be doing a better job as parents at letting our kids work through

00:25:13.340 things like that?

00:25:14.000 I do.

00:25:14.800 I will watch my children fight.

00:25:17.720 Oh, yeah.

00:25:18.420 Tell us.

00:25:18.880 Okay.

00:25:19.060 Walk us through that.

00:25:20.360 I do.

00:25:20.780 I just did it the other day.

00:25:22.760 Yeah.

00:25:23.000 Because I think that you have to learn how to resolve things on your own.

00:25:28.320 I have a 10-year-old and I have a three-year-old and my three-year-old is, he's just different.

00:25:34.880 He has his own way of being and I want to be able to nurture that.

00:25:39.560 And when I look at him, I see an older adult in him, right?

00:25:44.380 Like people are going to have to learn how to work with him and he's going to have to

00:25:47.500 learn to work with other people.

00:25:48.700 So I don't get in the middle of their squats.

00:25:53.300 I'm like, Caden, figure it out.

00:25:55.260 Like he's three.

00:25:56.160 Figure, figure it out.

00:25:57.700 Cam, figure it out.

00:25:58.920 And I think it's actually when the other day when they were fighting, they somehow figured

00:26:05.740 it out and then they went and got a bucket of water and was playing with duckies in it.

00:26:11.440 And I was like, oh my gosh.

00:26:13.340 They figured it out.

00:26:14.520 They figured it out.

00:26:15.380 And I think that we have forgotten that people will figure things out if you create the space

00:26:20.200 for them to do so.

00:26:21.120 And I think that children is the best example because these opportunities always present

00:26:26.960 themselves, whether it's us as parents apologizing for how we show up.

00:26:31.840 If our children are in sports, like you're not going to always have a great day.

00:26:36.680 You're not going to always have a great game.

00:26:38.460 You're not going to always feel well.

00:26:40.400 I tell my 10 year old today, like if he tells me that my stomach hurts, mommy, and I don't

00:26:45.480 think I'm going to be able to go out in the field.

00:26:48.000 I don't play soccer, son.

00:26:49.140 I think it's your responsibility to let your coach know that you don't feel well.

00:26:53.560 And if you don't feel well, you also have a responsibility to the team.

00:26:56.960 To say, pull me off of the field because I'm not able to give my best right now.

00:27:01.280 Yeah.

00:27:01.880 So I don't have those conversations for my children in any way because I'm thinking about

00:27:08.200 what I want to produce in the world.

00:27:10.720 Yeah.

00:27:11.100 That's a good, very like practical thing there that, okay, if you really feel bad, then you

00:27:18.120 will have the courage to go and tell your coach.

00:27:21.500 And even that like little bit of an awkward conversation, the child might feel awkward,

00:27:27.320 like it's developing something.

00:27:29.500 It is.

00:27:30.260 That's really good.

00:27:31.320 Have you read, I'm sure you've seen like Jonathan Haidt's work, The Anxious Generation,

00:27:35.900 and he talks a lot about cultivating independence in our kids.

00:27:40.880 Like, and I did this the other day, actually, and I was sitting right there, very low risk

00:27:45.040 situation, but still, you know, we were at Chick-fil-A, six-year-old, she wanted to get

00:27:50.800 a cookie.

00:27:51.480 I told her that she could go get a cookie and I said, but you have to go order it. 0.92

00:27:56.080 And I gave her my credit card and she went over there and I took a little picture of

00:28:00.660 her, but she went over there and she asked for a cookie, just one cookie. 1.00

00:28:04.600 And she had that back and forth.

00:28:06.220 She put her little card on the reader and she did great.

00:28:09.080 Again, not high risk, but it just reminded me, because it's just easier for us to do

00:28:14.920 things ourself.

00:28:15.600 It would have been easier for you to call the coach and be like, hey, but we as parents

00:28:20.660 have to take the extra time to allow our kids to do the little bit of a difficult thing.

00:28:26.060 And it's the joy that they feel too.

00:28:28.540 I just finished potty training my son and he's so happy to be able to say that I did it.

00:28:36.460 And I don't think that we're any different from that.

00:28:40.520 Like we feel empowered when we know that we can carry our low or the weight of the world

00:28:48.400 in a way that continues to push us forward or move us forward.

00:28:52.240 I don't think that changes.

00:28:54.340 Yeah, I think you're right.

00:28:56.180 You talk a lot about capacity.

00:28:58.220 You're a capacity expert.

00:28:59.580 Tell us what that means.

00:29:01.100 So capacity is actually a term that's rooted in adult development.

00:29:06.460 So when I was looking for something to help me on my own journey, because the very basic

00:29:13.360 of what we were talking about in mental health, it didn't have enough substance for me.

00:29:17.600 So I got into adult development.

00:29:19.880 There's this guy named Robert Keegan.

00:29:21.620 He talks about these forms of mind and how we develop over time.

00:29:25.280 And that's where the concept of capacity came from.

00:29:28.880 But I knew that the way that we as a society think about capacity is from weight, volume,

00:29:34.960 right?

00:29:35.140 How much can you actually carry?

00:29:37.580 And capacity in the lens and from the lenses or the perspective of adult development was

00:29:43.200 more so about what can you produce consistently?

00:29:47.280 And are you paying attention to what you can produce consistently?

00:29:50.240 And if you end up being proud of what you're producing consistently, it represents your emotional

00:29:56.880 and your mental capacity.

00:29:59.020 Robert Keegan, he talks about 70% of the adult population live with a socialized mindset.

00:30:05.380 So we just take the mental health industry.

00:30:07.620 What that means is, and I'll use my own journey.

00:30:11.420 Okay, Raquel is now a part of the mental health industry, right? 0.79

00:30:14.940 Will you succumb to this trend or will you speak from your values?

00:30:22.280 And what most people will do is they'll say, okay, I'm a mental health professional.

00:30:25.900 So I will insert myself within the community.

00:30:30.400 And what ends up happening is you start to lose yourself more and more and more over time

00:30:36.180 because it's more so about this sense of belonging.

00:30:40.640 And the sense of belonging can also have a shrinking in different ways.

00:30:45.320 Okay, explain that.

00:30:46.660 Can you break that down?

00:30:48.880 You think about any community, right?

00:30:51.780 When it comes to a sense of belonging, that is like an inherent need and desire for us as humans.

00:30:59.000 But it's also like a double-edged sword because if sense of belonging is so important,

00:31:06.080 if you don't have the ability to detach from it at times, you can limit your growth.

00:31:13.300 So let's just say I wouldn't be having this conversation with you right now

00:31:18.980 if I had the urge to be connected with mental health professionals.

00:31:26.180 Like it didn't feel right to me.

00:31:29.520 What I saw as producing on social media wasn't a reflection of what mental health was really about.

00:31:38.740 And if I went into some of my deeper values, it just wasn't in alignment.

00:31:43.100 So the desire not to be associated with mental health professionals and or to be accepted

00:31:50.120 and being okay with being misunderstood is the very reason why I'm sitting here on this couch with you,

00:31:57.420 this comfortable couch.

00:31:58.460 Yes, it is very comfy.

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00:33:29.640 So the socialization mindset is basically acceptance at all costs.

00:33:34.960 Even if I, and when you're talking about losing yourself, you're talking about basically compromise.

00:33:38.980 Yes.

00:33:39.420 Compromising your values, compromising the truth just so people will like you.

00:33:44.480 And to me, that is like the road that leads to what we often call institutional capture.

00:33:50.880 It's how like a college or an entity or an organization gets captured by a particular ideology.

00:33:57.300 And I do think the mental health institution in general has been captured by this feelings

00:34:03.460 first, me-centric, fragile mindset that has made people just very dependent and not resilient.

00:34:14.740 And so it seems to me that a lot of the mental health industry is doing the very opposite of

00:34:19.060 what you're saying.

00:34:19.600 Not helping people expand their capacity, but actually reducing their capacity to only being

00:34:24.300 able to think about yourself all the time.

00:34:26.040 Yeah, yeah.

00:34:27.160 And I, yeah, it's such a, it's a difficult conversation, especially when we're talking

00:34:37.160 about capacity, because my capacity is not necessarily going to reflect your capacity and vice versa.

00:34:42.940 So I think it's important to know that we won't all have the same capacity.

00:34:47.660 The question more so is asking ourselves, am I positioning myself to avoid things because

00:34:56.900 it feels hard?

00:34:58.540 Mm-hmm.

00:34:59.120 Mm-hmm.

00:35:00.460 Yeah.

00:35:00.660 Because we won't all have, like, we won't all show up in the world the same way because

00:35:05.700 we all have different gifts.

00:35:07.560 Our purpose, our calling may be completely different.

00:35:11.440 But it's, like, making sure that you don't stop at what's hard because it presents a challenge

00:35:18.280 for what you think your current capacity is, which is why I talk about the label so much.

00:35:23.320 Like, when you hear people now, anxiety and ADHD, I'm like, when did it ever become okay to

00:35:33.240 make those things a part of your identity so much when I say that living with ADHD or anxiety

00:35:40.860 is just context, is just information.

00:35:43.020 It just means that maybe you will have to navigate the world a little differently than what someone

00:35:47.840 else may, but that doesn't mean that your potential changes.

00:35:53.580 It just means that you may have to work at this harder than someone else does.

00:35:57.020 Yeah.

00:35:57.220 You're not defined by it.

00:35:58.780 Yeah.

00:35:59.320 Unless you allow yourself to be defined by it.

00:36:01.580 Mm-hmm.

00:36:01.740 But like you said, is that diagnosis just putting yourself in a position to avoid hard things?

00:36:07.100 Yeah.

00:36:07.320 And I think we all would have to be honest with ourself about that because there's probably

00:36:11.460 a lot of excuses that we make for ourselves of why we're not doing X, Y, Z.

00:36:16.060 And maybe sometimes they're real, but maybe sometimes we're just trying to avoid hard feelings.

00:36:21.560 Yes.

00:36:22.040 I mean, I know that I'm in this season where I'm working on discipline.

00:36:27.940 Mm-hmm.

00:36:28.380 And I am disciplined in a lot of areas of my life.

00:36:31.920 But when it comes to my eating habits, like the self-control is not there.

00:36:37.900 And I can sit here and make up a bunch of excuses or I can just say, you lack discipline.

00:36:42.320 Does that mean that I'm not compassionate with myself?

00:36:44.560 No.

00:36:45.200 Like it's hard to grow if you don't create space to be compassionate.

00:36:50.780 But I think it's really hard to grow when you're not honest with yourself.

00:36:55.480 Mm-hmm.

00:36:56.520 Yeah.

00:36:57.220 Gosh, it can be so popular to blame all of our problems on other people, which really

00:37:02.380 kind of goes back to the Garden of Eden.

00:37:04.620 Adam blamed Eve.

00:37:06.000 Eve blamed the snake when really ultimately we have to take responsibility.

00:37:11.060 And I like what you said.

00:37:12.240 Like you can still acknowledge that you have challenges like in different seasons of life.

00:37:16.700 Everyone like everyone has different factors.

00:37:18.780 I love what you said like to your son that, okay, but this thing is kind of true. 0.97

00:37:24.120 It doesn't mean that people should make fun of you.

00:37:26.720 No one should make fun of anyone.

00:37:28.180 Yeah.

00:37:28.400 But this is a reality and they might not accept it.

00:37:31.920 But what can you do?

00:37:33.440 Right.

00:37:34.080 Can you accept it?

00:37:35.020 And I think if we focus more on that, like what can I do?

00:37:39.020 Then that's actually a lot more liberating because we can't control what other people

00:37:43.040 do and how they feel and what they say.

00:37:44.860 And I know that when I'm trying to do that, that is actually what wears me out.

00:37:49.120 And that actually reduces my capacity because then I'm not focused on what I can accomplish.

00:37:54.460 I'm so distracted by trying to control everyone else.

00:37:57.280 Yes.

00:37:57.900 I, you know, I was thinking of, because I do read the comments, even though they say don't

00:38:02.500 read the comments.

00:38:03.240 I do read the comments.

00:38:04.260 And sometimes I read the comments more from an accountability standpoint for myself.

00:38:11.380 Yeah.

00:38:11.900 Because when you're passionate about something, you can start to silence people.

00:38:21.780 So I was thinking about, because I am a big proponent of, or a big advocate for personal

00:38:27.400 responsibility, I think that what I would want people to know is when we, when we're seeing

00:38:35.240 personal responsibility, that does not mean that other challenges or certain barriers may

00:38:41.900 not exist.

00:38:42.720 But what does not change is it may not have been your fault.

00:38:46.200 You may not have caused it, but it still is your responsibility.

00:38:48.880 And I think that when we fall victim to wanting to pick and choose when we accept universal

00:38:55.060 truths, that's when we start to fall into the category of becoming much more fragile.

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00:40:30.720 What is burnout?

00:40:38.480 How do you define burnout?

00:40:40.460 Because that's something you talk about.

00:40:41.940 I think it's a disconnection from your heart.

00:40:44.740 I don't, and when I say it's a disconnection from your heart, it's a disconnection from understanding

00:40:50.340 your needs, your wants, and your desires.

00:40:53.140 It's also another form of revealing the lack of capacity that you have.

00:40:58.780 I think that burnout has become a catch-all phrase for people that don't know how to advocate

00:41:05.400 for themselves, people that are not comfortable making hard decisions.

00:41:09.620 I always think about professionals.

00:41:11.740 Sometimes you may have to say you have to step away from the job, but if you're more concerned

00:41:15.680 about the money that you make, you may still put yourself in position to still experience burnout

00:41:23.420 because you're not willing to be courageous.

00:41:26.240 You're not willing to lean into faith.

00:41:29.100 That's what happens when you experience burnout, and I say that from a personal place.

00:41:35.380 When I experienced burnout, it was because I did not want to face some very hard truth

00:41:41.460 and or make some difficult decisions.

00:41:45.680 Mm-hmm.

00:41:46.380 So burnout is not just about working too many hours.

00:41:49.540 No.

00:41:50.240 Like, because, I mean, you could work 100 hours and not feel burnout based off of whatever

00:41:55.380 it is that you're doing.

00:41:57.300 But I think that life is always going to ask you, you know, who is it that you are and who

00:42:03.540 is it that you want to become?

00:42:05.180 Like, right now, I'm managing a full-time job, my two children, my husband.

00:42:10.920 This social media has taken on a life for itself, and I feel very fulfilled.

00:42:16.720 Do I feel exhausted sometimes?

00:42:18.780 Yes, I do.

00:42:19.640 Am I honest about when I feel exhausted?

00:42:21.840 Yes, I am.

00:42:22.400 But am I burnt out?

00:42:23.420 No, because I am choosing everything that I have on my plate today.

00:42:28.780 Mm-hmm.

00:42:29.380 You and I are very blessed to be able to do something professionally that we love, that

00:42:35.660 we feel fulfilled doing.

00:42:38.240 And we could do it a lot, like you said, without ever feeling totally depleted.

00:42:42.440 But there are people out there who, that's just not their season of life.

00:42:45.820 That's not where God has put them.

00:42:47.200 Maybe they're in a job that they have to have, but they don't love it.

00:42:50.780 And they do feel burnout.

00:42:52.320 Now, how, like, how would you coach someone through that, that, okay, you're not in your

00:42:57.780 dream job, but this is where you are right now.

00:42:59.840 How can you still find fulfillment?

00:43:02.420 I think one of the greatest skills for humans is your meaning making.

00:43:07.660 And when I say your meaning making, what I'm referring to is not necessarily a way to cope

00:43:20.160 with something that you don't want to do.

00:43:22.740 I think that we have to, we have to acknowledge that we're still making a choice, right?

00:43:28.700 Because we all have to work, right?

00:43:31.220 In order to, to live, but get clear about why you're choosing this particular job.

00:43:38.700 For example, I always say it's a, it's a, I use this pain gain model, like what's the

00:43:44.740 cost to staying here and what's the pain of deciding to walk away.

00:43:50.060 And when you can make the distinction between those two, I think that it pulls you away from

00:43:54.560 focusing on burnout because I always say the greatest freedom is the freedom of choice.

00:43:59.300 And as much as we feel like we don't always have choice, you do.

00:44:03.400 And I like to remind people of the choices that you do have, even though you don't enjoy

00:44:09.300 the job, you're still choosing.

00:44:11.680 And I think that that's where we can get wrapped up in the feelings part.

00:44:15.540 Now, if I had a client that I was working with one-on-one, of course, I'm going to acknowledge

00:44:19.160 and validate, but it still doesn't change that you're choosing.

00:44:22.780 So how do we, like, if you're in the midst, not just a job, but anything that's

00:44:29.300 that is like, that is difficult.

00:44:30.960 You're saying that you are, you're choosing how you respond, right?

00:44:36.400 You're choosing how you show up.

00:44:38.980 You're even choosing the feelings that you give airtime to.

00:44:43.140 Cause maybe, I don't know, you could tell me how you think about this, but when I think

00:44:46.700 of feelings, I don't know if I necessarily can choose every single feeling that starts

00:44:51.200 to, you know, pop up or every thought that pops into my head that I'm like, you know,

00:44:56.440 where did that come from?

00:44:57.380 But I can choose what I give airtime to.

00:44:59.500 I can choose what I bring center stage and what I dwell on, right?

00:45:04.920 So you're, so going back to these feelings, right?

00:45:09.060 I like to make a distinction between emotions and feelings.

00:45:12.840 Emotions, you're right.

00:45:13.720 We don't control those, right?

00:45:15.700 Like if something were there, if we had a loud, loud bang in the studio right now, we

00:45:21.260 both would jump, right?

00:45:23.140 So I would say like, it would be surprise.

00:45:26.040 It could be fear that that shows up, but how you and I express that will not be the same.

00:45:31.380 And then the feelings is the interpretation of those emotions.

00:45:34.960 So, which is why emotions like these conversations around being emotional, emotionally intelligent

00:45:40.660 are difficult because you don't have control over emotions hitting you.

00:45:44.920 If you get a phone call that you just lost someone, most people will probably go into a

00:45:49.880 state of shock or you might immediately start to, to cry.

00:45:54.960 What is different and, or unique for each person is how you end up expressing those emotions

00:46:01.540 or handling that internal information.

00:46:04.300 And then because we're humans, we get into the feelings or the thoughts.

00:46:07.380 It's the stories that we start to associate with those emotions.

00:46:12.160 Okay.

00:46:12.780 Can you keep going on that?

00:46:14.180 The stories that we start to associate with those emotions.

00:46:17.420 So what do you mean by stories?

00:46:18.680 So let's just say we did hear loud popping here right now, right?

00:46:22.860 And then the, the, the guys tell us like everything is okay, but I'm like, I don't know.

00:46:27.380 Like the world has gotten to be this crazy place.

00:46:30.740 Was it a pop?

00:46:31.940 I can no longer focus, even though they've said like everything is, is good.

00:46:36.260 So I have, instead of taking that information that, that whether the fear or the surprise that

00:46:42.360 I've gotten, just acknowledging it, what I've done is I've moved into my feelings, which

00:46:47.700 is I have these world beliefs about like how the world is changing and how dangerous it

00:46:53.420 has become.

00:46:54.100 So I can no longer focus on our conversation anymore.

00:46:58.180 So that becomes an interpretation that I've assigned to fear.

00:47:03.540 Yeah.

00:47:03.840 I think about this just how, with how we feel about ourselves sometimes, like you have a

00:47:08.600 feeling of insecurity.

00:47:10.160 Someone says something to you.

00:47:12.180 Maybe that person didn't mean anything, but you are then attaching a new story to your

00:47:17.440 feeling of insecurity about that person.

00:47:19.840 And you don't even realize maybe that you've started creating a whole, like a whole different

00:47:24.880 story about this person and what they meant and what they're thinking and what they're

00:47:28.320 saying behind your back and what they're doing.

00:47:30.020 And really you've just kind of created a narrative that you've attached to a feeling that you

00:47:35.880 have.

00:47:36.380 And it's possible to even start including other people in that story completely unfairly.

00:47:41.320 That is a decision you're saying.

00:47:43.520 Yeah, that is a decision.

00:47:45.080 So because it just using the insecurities, let's just say that, um, I say something in regards

00:47:52.100 to an insecurity that you have that I don't know.

00:47:54.420 Can you hold space or can you carry the sadness that comes with that insecurity versus making

00:48:01.520 it about me?

00:48:02.780 Can you be honest and say like what Raquel just said, um, it has me feeling sad because

00:48:09.220 I haven't learned how to work through this insecurity.

00:48:12.940 I don't know if I'll ever be able to move on from this insecurity.

00:48:17.160 That's the data.

00:48:19.260 Right.

00:48:19.820 And it's okay to acknowledge that without like spinning up the stories.

00:48:24.080 And it really, that really should make us think about every feeling that we have that

00:48:27.920 passes through us of what story am I attaching to this emotion?

00:48:32.940 Yep.

00:48:33.120 And something I've been thinking about, you can tell me what you think about it is I think

00:48:37.360 when we make ourselves the main character of every story, we become very easily offended.

00:48:43.360 We become very anxious because you start to see everything is about you.

00:48:49.740 Oh, that person did that on purpose.

00:48:51.740 That person did, did that because they, they don't want me to do this.

00:48:55.740 Or it starts making you paranoid.

00:48:58.200 You start thinking you have control of everyone.

00:49:01.120 And to me, like when you just remove yourself from that main character position, when you say,

00:49:06.460 okay, it's not all about me.

00:49:08.040 It actually is really freeing because you realize that not everyone's trying to hurt you or get you

00:49:14.480 or stop you or whatever.

00:49:15.440 It takes humility and a few of those other capacity traits that I would say to get to that place.

00:49:21.300 I think what comes to my mind when you say that I did a video on your pain is not unique and or special.

00:49:28.040 And what made me think of creating that video was it's almost like people, a lot of people today feel like

00:49:37.660 they have a monopoly on pain and just struggle and adversity.

00:49:45.520 And when you start to really understand humans, it's like everybody, it's going through something.

00:49:52.680 Everybody's going to experience something.

00:49:55.040 And that's part of what's in within adult development, right?

00:49:59.300 You're able to separate yourself subject versus object.

00:50:02.420 Like it's a real thing.

00:50:04.180 And if I am is the center of your world, you never can step outside of self long enough to see how all of these things are interconnected and start to really hold complexity.

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00:51:50.200 You talk about how God and faith, they actually increase your capacity.

00:51:55.560 Can you talk more about that?

00:52:00.620 So if capacity is about what you can consistently produce, I think that being grounded in something is,

00:52:12.460 that doesn't give you an out, end, or pass when circumstances reveal otherwise is what creates sustainability.

00:52:27.220 Okay, you might have to break that down for us who don't have our double master's and almost doctorate.

00:52:34.760 So I'll go back and I'll use myself as an example.

00:52:42.460 There are times where I would really like to default to how I feel, right?

00:52:51.280 And can I be really, really honest?

00:52:57.860 Sure.

00:52:58.240 Okay.

00:52:58.640 I was nervous about coming on your podcast.

00:53:01.300 And I was nervous about coming on to your podcast because being in the spotlight is very new for me.

00:53:11.400 And when we talk about context, I understand, or not understand, I know I'm a black woman, right?

00:53:19.920 And there are certain things that I understand from my own experiences.

00:53:27.160 The fear was, going back to what I was speaking about earlier about this socialized mindset,

00:53:35.200 I am still very much so a part of the community, right?

00:53:39.320 My identity is there in a lot of ways.

00:53:42.620 But if I go back to my belief in God, is how do you separate yourself so that you can continue to open yourself up to love just in general?

00:53:54.200 So I was nervous about being placed in a political box because if you notice with my content, I don't even really talk about my faith.

00:54:03.160 I try to let my words reflect who I am and what I believe in.

00:54:09.620 So you were nervous because it's a conservative podcast and most of your community is not?

00:54:15.080 No, my community is actually very diverse.

00:54:17.120 But there are still things that I am having to work through as I become stronger in my own faith.

00:54:25.640 And some of that is not centering parts of my identity as well.

00:54:29.900 And some of that, that's being a black woman. 1.00

00:54:31.880 So coming on to your podcast, it was like, oh, my gosh, now they're going to say that I'm this and I'm this and I'm that.

00:54:37.020 It's like, can you handle the heat and or the pressure that may come with that?

00:54:42.880 Because I've already experienced that in some ways, right?

00:54:45.760 Where I go within my own community and there's a sense of rejection because I'm not speaking the same language that they may be speaking.

00:54:53.460 Like, I think, again, it's context.

00:54:56.380 Like, do you understand how people view you and what your experiences are?

00:55:01.820 But do you can you hold enough space for all of the things so that you you can connect with a person like Allie without making judgments about who she who she is?

00:55:11.800 So I would tell you that when I when I started, like, looking at your videos and I was like, she loves the Lord.

00:55:19.400 And I was like, what do I see in myself in her?

00:55:23.680 And it was the sense of courageousness.

00:55:26.180 It was not everybody's going to understand what it means to truly be passionate about something.

00:55:31.820 And that's what created the connection.

00:55:33.840 And to me, that's what goes back to to to God.

00:55:37.000 So am I OK with being, I guess, crucified or judged because I'm on a conservative podcast?

00:55:43.660 I would say, yes, I am.

00:55:46.200 Yes, I am.

00:55:47.360 You'll get a lot more encouragement than you will negativity, although maybe not from maybe from people outside of the people that you fear criticizing you.

00:55:59.080 But there will be a lot of people who are super excited to hear from you.

00:56:03.760 We have the reason, you know, why I had you on is because I wrote not just toxic empathy, but the first book, you're not enough escaping the toxic culture of self-love.

00:56:13.560 And whenever I was sent your stuff, I was like, yes, I don't see a lot of people outside of like my conservative realm or certainly not in the mental health profession talking about that, that, oh, these things that you have heard are universally positive and should be the center of your life.

00:56:33.580 Like, actually, it might be making you worse.

00:56:36.700 And it and I so I do appreciate your courage in that, because, you know, like you said, if you just wanted to be popular, you could just repeat the same mantras as every other, you know, psychologist has ever said that it's all about you, that you're perfect the way you are, that you're enough.

00:56:52.600 There's nothing you need to change around you and that everything is everyone else's fault.

00:56:57.020 That's a very popular message.

00:56:58.180 You can make a lot of money off that.

00:56:59.540 Yeah, yeah, you can.

00:57:01.700 There's a lot of.

00:57:04.320 There's a monetary factor in creating a monetary factor in creating victims.

00:57:09.640 I do.

00:57:11.420 I do believe that we see it and we we see it today.

00:57:15.640 I've had conversations with other people and they're like, well, I would have never touched this conversation with a thousand foot pole.

00:57:22.180 Yeah.

00:57:22.880 And I'm like.

00:57:24.400 Yeah.

00:57:25.100 But obviously your social media has taken off.

00:57:27.580 So there's something there.

00:57:29.540 People want to hear what you're saying.

00:57:31.220 Do you think do you see more people saying, OK, I actually need some tough love?

00:57:35.780 I think I am seeing more encouragement than criticism.

00:57:41.020 And I think it goes back to this whole concept of capacity.

00:57:44.420 When you were asking me about like God and faith, I'm not saying that you have to be a Christian in order to follow me.

00:57:51.260 But there are some universal truths, no matter what religion that you believe in, because we're all spiritual beings as as well.

00:57:58.380 So I decided when I decided to come out and speak, I decided I was going to speak to people.

00:58:04.380 The things that make Ali and I similar, the same.

00:58:08.820 And that's what I speak to.

00:58:10.080 And I think it's hard for people to turn that off because I'm speaking to sort of like your your your core.

00:58:18.820 Yeah, definitely.

00:58:20.700 I definitely think that there's like a new push right now and a new desire for people to hear the truth.

00:58:27.440 I think people are kind of tired of being coddled.

00:58:30.120 You talked about adult development.

00:58:31.560 I think there, you know, we went through a period of everyone just hearing what they wanted to hear and they're like, hang on, arrested development for a second.

00:58:39.160 Like I didn't get all of the growth that I needed to because people just coddled me for so long.

00:58:44.980 And, you know, it's like, you know, eating cupcakes for every meal.

00:58:48.720 It's fun for like a day.

00:58:50.800 And then you're like, oh, no, I need to exercise and eat some vegetables again.

00:58:55.600 And I want to believe that that's kind of where we are when it comes to mental health, that people are waking up, that resilience and capacity and strength actually matter.

00:59:06.880 Yeah, I think that I think that where we got lost is because in order to develop your capacity, you do have to develop people emotionally.

00:59:15.580 And there were so many conversations about people suppressing their emotions, not being honest about how they felt and the stigma around just people not wanting to talk about their struggles in general.

00:59:29.240 And I think that that's where the conversation has gotten lost.

00:59:32.720 Like I still believe that.

00:59:36.120 Well, going back to.

00:59:38.360 I've been trying to figure this out myself.

00:59:40.280 How do we create communities of empowerment where we can talk about our struggles while also not victimizing people?

00:59:50.660 Because I don't believe that you can grow if all you ever give a person is tough love or you say just pull yourself up by your bootstraps.

00:59:59.220 That's not how I'm growing as a person.

01:00:01.380 Like I hold space for all the difficult emotions that I experience.

01:00:06.280 I'm vulnerable with the people that I'm comfortable with.

01:00:12.760 And that's how you continue to grow and evolve.

01:00:16.420 And I'm very honest about like I don't want to be stuck.

01:00:20.960 I don't want to be so wrapped up and self-centered in myself that I don't produce something meaningful.

01:00:29.500 Yeah.

01:00:30.220 Yeah.

01:00:30.640 So good.

01:00:31.200 Where can people find you and read more of what you put out?

01:00:35.060 I'm just on Instagram right now.

01:00:37.580 Raquel, the capacity expert is where you can find me.

01:00:41.880 And yeah, that's it.

01:00:43.780 Awesome.

01:00:44.420 Well, Raquel, thank you so much for taking the time to join us and sharing your wisdom with us.

01:00:48.600 I really appreciate it.

01:00:49.660 Yeah.

01:00:49.840 Thank you so much, Allie, for having me.

01:00:51.580 I'm glad that I said yes.

01:00:54.260 Yeah.

01:00:54.420 I think that that's what life is about.

01:00:55.840 Saying yes.

01:00:56.520 Yes.

01:00:56.820 Continuing to be obedient.

01:00:58.300 Yes.

01:00:58.680 Well, thank you so much.

01:01:00.040 Yes.

01:01:05.060 Rinse takes your laundry and hand delivers it to your door.

01:01:22.700 Expertly cleaned and folded.

01:01:24.280 So you could take the time once spent folding and sorting and waiting to finally pursue a whole new version of you.

01:01:30.320 Like tea time you.

01:01:31.340 Or this tea time you.

01:01:35.720 Or even this tea time you.

01:01:38.240 So did you hear about Dave?

01:01:39.440 Or even tea time, tea time, tea time you.

01:01:43.340 So update on Dave.

01:01:45.340 It's up to you.

01:01:46.400 We'll take the laundry.

01:01:47.860 Rinse.

01:01:48.420 It's time to be great.

01:01:49.360 We'll be right in theeon.

01:02:06.820 Bye.

01:02:07.520 Bye.

01:02:11.720 Bye.

01:02:11.780 Bye.

01:02:12.820 Bye.

01:02:13.060 Bye.

01:02:13.960 Bye.

01:02:14.280 Bye.

01:02:14.520 Bye.

01:02:15.200 Bye.

01:02:15.520 Bye.

01:02:17.180 Bye.

01:02:18.180 Bye.

01:02:18.600 Bye.

Relatable with Allie Beth Stuckey - November 26, 2025

Ep 1272 ｜ Your Self-Care Is Making You Weak： Therapist Drops Hard Truths ｜ RaQuel Hopkins

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