Ep 1303 ｜ Pray for Your Husband Like This, And Watch Everything Change ｜ Christian Bevere
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Summary
Christian Bivier is a podcaster and the author of Future Husband, Present Prayers. Today we re not only talking about praying the Bible for your future spouse, but we re also talking about dating, courtship, sexual purity, and leadership as women. There s so much to be gleaned from today s episode, no matter what stage of life you re in.
Transcript
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Whether you are married, dating, or single, praying for your husband or your future husband
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can work so powerfully not only in your life, in your heart right now, but also for the
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She is a podcaster and the author of Future Husband Present Prayers.
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Today, we're not only talking about praying the Bible for your future spouse.
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We are also talking about dating, courtship, sexual purity, leadership, submitting to that
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There is so much to be gleaned from today's episode.
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No matter what stage of life you're in, you are going to be so encouraged by this.
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If you love this podcast, please leave us a five-star review wherever you listen.
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Make sure you like and subscribe on YouTube as well.
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This is our No Fluff Christian Women's Conference.
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Today's episode is brought to you by our friends at Good Ranchers.
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Christian, thanks so much for taking the time to join us.
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Could you tell everyone who you are and what you do?
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Sounds like a guy, but I am a woman married to someone I just think is so far out of what
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I deserved, and it is only by the way of prayer.
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He is a Bevere, which if you know, that means he comes from an amazing Christian, Italian,
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And I think I've just walked into this beautiful gift of seeing marriage up close, seeing ministry
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And now that's come to writing about my love story and about prayer and love, because I
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think it's so confusing out there for people that are single.
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And then even people that are married, we're told so much about, you know, self and the
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tension that it comes with, like how to do partnership well, where I feel like the Bible
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actually has more to say on that that can benefit anyone trying to do relationships well.
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And I just want to say, I love strong names for women.
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Let's first talk about the title of your book and why you decided to write about this
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So the book is called Future Husband, Present Prayers, because I was in a season, which I
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think many of us find ourselves in, unless you're lucky enough to marry your high school
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sweetheart, where I graduated college, I move home to the job I was working before I went
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I was like, Lord, why did we spend money to come back to the job?
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I was doing beforehand to the same dating criteria, you know, the same rhythms, and was just saying,
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I have this deep desire to be loved, to love someone, and I feel zero direction.
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Had mishandled dating in my own regard and been hurt by other people and just came to
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this point of there has to be wisdom here that I'm not tapping into, because I see the
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way that society handles dating, where it's just loose and it's uncommitted and it's not
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And then I hear some good advice in the church, but it's not necessarily in depth.
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And I feel like anything that is important as marriage should come with specific, it should
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And I just heard, find someone that's cute and loves Jesus, which that's a high percentage
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There's going to be single people that love Jesus.
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But if you're choosing a life partner, I thought there had to be something more there that the
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So I just got a Bible, a brown leather Bible on Amazon, and I said, this is going to be
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I'm going to submit this desire to the Lord because it's obviously not going anywhere.
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And how old were you at this point when you started doing this?
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I had just graduated college, moved back home to Sweet Home, Alabama, and I thought there's
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There's nothing I'm doing that has been fruitful.
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And I had prayed for my husband before, but no one really told me, hey, you can do this
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I think at that time it was, I heard at least like, oh, you're obsessed if you do that.
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But I more just felt like I have this desire bubbling up in me and in my own strength.
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I'm really not doing that well, obviously, with how my dating relationships have gone.
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So Lord, can you please walk this with me really intentionally?
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He showed me improper ways I was living out that desire.
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Maybe I was wanting to be loved and seen more than I had actually let him come into some
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And then he started to restore my faith of what I was looking for because I can remember
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sitting in my bedroom in high school, having a friend.
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Which maybe she wasn't so much of a great friend because of what she said.
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You're going to need to lower your standards or no one's going to want you.
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And as a young girl with hormones and emotions and, you know, the identity search that comes
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with high school, I was just thinking, I really want to be loved.
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And if I need to change my approach, then so be it.
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And I just don't want any other girl to have to go through that because that is a lie.
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Like there might be a shortage out there right now, but that doesn't mean that that can't
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I believe men can chase character and purity and righteousness and prayer to something so
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Gosh, I have so many questions to ask you based on that wonderful answer.
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I want to go back to, you said that you had been making some mistakes in dating, which
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I think a lot of us can relate to, probably 99% of us.
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As you said, hopefully there are women out there who, they didn't make any of those mistakes
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and they just found the person that God had for them and they got married.
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But a lot of us learned by our experiences and doing it the wrong way.
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So to help women learn, or maybe teens who are listening to this learn, what mistakes
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were you making that looking back, you wish you could tell a 20-year-old Christian, don't
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Part of this is even fun because I know you're a girl mom too.
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I'm just like, you are going to learn your worth and the truths about relationship.
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But some of the mistakes, when I trace it back to actually probably the most poignant
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mistake I was making was not understanding the way I was working out that desire.
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And I think so many singles here, just be content.
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And I don't know really what the advice behind that is.
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Is it like, just put that on pause and then all of a sudden one day you'll have this desire
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But I was thinking it out of, okay, I want to be seen.
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If who I am is not enough solely based on like attention, then maybe I need to dress
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Maybe I need to move my standards like a little bit.
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And it's such a domino effect where you try to change maybe a moral.
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You try to, like I started going to parties and people would drink and I would like throw
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I was like, I don't want to drink, but I just want to be seen.
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And it's this slope of, you know, searching for value and acceptance by trying to appeal
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to the status quo rather than having the fortitude and the faith to stand in.
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It might not be what's trendy in dating right now or even in friendships.
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Um, but I wish going back, I would have choose the friends that saw my values and sat with
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Like maybe it is hard to feel that longing, but it's okay if it's not satisfied in this
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If I had more accountability when I was in school, that would have been amazing.
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Um, and you know, truthfully on my own part, I probably could have, if I would have had the
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fortitude to look for people that were doing the same thing, but, um, you know, that just
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perpetuated some other choices of choosing people that I was like, oh, well, he's cute.
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Maybe if he comes to church with me, he can love Jesus and me.
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You know, I think so many girls have found themselves in that camp, but, you know, all
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of the, the advice that the Bible says of, you know, pursue faithfulness, act righteously,
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um, let the Lord establish your steps, be equally yoked.
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I feel like that's dating advice that should not be outdated and it should really be taken
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We don't really think of those verses in relation to dating because wanting to be married is
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I have always wanted to be married and especially in college, especially when you're in the
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South, I went to school in South Carolina, you have this mentality that if I don't meet
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my husband in college, well, then I'm never going to meet him and I'm never going to get
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And so I made probably the two different kinds of mistakes.
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There are lots of mistakes that people can make while dating, but one would have been
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to settle for someone that was fine on paper, but I knew in my heart of hearts was not the
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But I was too scared to let that go because I was afraid that, oh my gosh, maybe I'm not
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going to be able to fulfill this desire and I'm not going to find someone.
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And then when that didn't work out, also doing the partying, the drinking, the wanting
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attention and so not eating enough and unhealthy routines of working out all to try to get that
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But really in both of those paths that I was taking, the umbrella that covers both of them
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I wasn't trusting that the Lord was enough for me.
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I wasn't trusting that the Lord would take care of me.
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I wasn't trusting that His love, His attentiveness to me was enough, was sufficient for me.
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And like, God, if you can give me, I don't know, auxiliary attention, that's fine, but
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I need to get what I want, how I want to get it.
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And it's very painful sometimes for the Lord to teach us those lessons and to kind of like,
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you know, open up our death grip that we have on our own fate and our own future.
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It is a constant prying of our plans out of our hands and teaching us to trust Him.
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And so if anyone is in that stage right now, it can be painful, but that is part of what
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And this aspect of faith, and that's something I've learned is, you know, you don't outgrow
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that faith too, the same faith that you need of, Lord, I'm going to trust you with my love
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story is the faith you'll apply when you go through hard seasons together, when you
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You know, it's just such this biblical principle that can stink, can sting, but it is this
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invitation for something better, for that perseverance.
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And I've been camping out in Hebrews 11 as I wrote these books, because I wanted to say,
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Lord, I want to understand faith in this matter of, because there are women who have waited
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longer than I have, there are women who have gone through things that would make my life
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And so I want to know what is the foundation of faith.
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And Hebrews 11 says that faith is the assurance of things hoped for that are not yet seen.
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And so anyone that is going through a period of ally Christian, there are zero guys out
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There is no way that the Lord can bring someone to me.
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Faith is that assurance of, I am going to believe despite what I have yet seen, and I'm
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But I think that's why the invitation is to have childlike faith, like just joy that
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And believing that God can do that, but also realizing that on this side of heaven, he doesn't
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What I loved about something that you said about what God did in you in praying for your
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husband wasn't just that, yes, you eventually met your husband and got married, and we'll
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get to that aspect of it, but you said that the Lord healed you through his word, that
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When you first started praying for your future husband, what did you just kind of feel yourself
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I remember the very first few months just feeling this almost release of performativeness,
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especially in the area of with the opposite sex, and realizing, you know, why does it feel
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like this constant fight or flight when I'm around someone?
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Like, I walk into a room and automatically think, are you not seen?
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Rather than, like you said, I show up knowing who I am.
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And so I think I really had to let go of the solution of my status and relationships
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And the more I speak on this, the more I do believe that.
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But with any gift, we have to steward it in a right way.
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And so I think he was gently and kindly helping me see how I had been, like, holding it too
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tightly and clasping it and putting it in one box rather than this is this fluid thing
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And so having to humbly say, okay, I have been the problem in some areas.
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I have been hyper-focused on this so much that it has caused me to be nearsighted in some
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And I need to be able to have joy on a Friday night if I don't have a date.
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I need to be able to celebrate those people around me when they're getting engaged and
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I'm single because this is not a threat to my future.
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It's okay to be a 21-year-old college graduate and not be married, which, you know, in Alabama,
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I was like, well, crap, I graduated and now I don't know what to do.
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And then there were deeper things as well because of, you know, whether that's people
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in my life who maybe weren't there for me in some ways or people that I had been romantically
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And so there was this unreleasing of that of even, okay, what does a marriage look like
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But do I truly believe that you have a good relationship in store for me specifically?
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And I see that with a lot of women today also is they hope and they pray and they have their
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hopes up, but then they do meet someone that is of caliber and then they almost shut down.
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And it's a self-sabotage because those wounds can come up and shame and insecurity, whatever
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it may be, is just like this playground of the enemy where he'll want to try to snatch something
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that the Lord can work in and disqualify you because of your past.
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And that's not a permission just to do dating however you want, but it's an awareness of,
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Lord, you can move in everything with a repentant and willing heart.
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And I won't invite anyone into that because I remember being engaged, fast forwarding a
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little bit and then thinking, oh wait, no, this is too good.
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Like you should go be with someone that's like a pastor's daughter and who's never sinned
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a day in her life, which, you know, like you said, I don't know how many of those are
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actually out there, but it was just almost this shock moment where the Lord's like, are
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you really going to stop what I'm doing because of your own track record?
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I'm going to allow you to do this and I'm going to ask for a mantle of grace to do it
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I had a journal that I started probably when I was like early teens praying for my future
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husband, but I wasn't necessarily doing it along with reading scripture.
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There were biblical concepts in my prayers, but I wasn't doing it while reading scripture
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But you said that you bought that brown leather bound Bible and you use that to pray for your
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I think it was really important to infuse scripture because I did want to make sure, especially
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with what I was saying of like my hyper focus on this is I didn't want my prayers to only
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be what I could contrive in my mind or what I thought would please me.
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Because I do think whether you choose to be single or you're married, Matthew 19 points
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out evidently that this is, you know, this is something we pursue for godliness.
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It's something that is a choice that we make of, Lord, I'm going to do this role, whatever
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route that is to honor you and to serve the kingdom.
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And so infusing scripture to me was, what does a godly man look like?
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And so, you know, I'd go to Timothy, I'd go to Psalms and I'd look at, you know, how
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Titus or David and these men of God were, you know, walking with the Lord, the attributes
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And I'd start praying those over my future husband.
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And I started there and it was really great because, you know, in my college age, I was
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like, Lord, let him be cute and let him love me.
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But then grounding it in actual scripture, it just added this gumption almost to my prayers.
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And it was almost in an unexpected way sweet for me because I felt like my prayers were
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almost safe before then of like, Lord, do this and praise you.
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But I really started to war for him and intercede for this person I hadn't met yet to the point
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of we can look back days after we were married and I gave him that Bible on our wedding day
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and he would look through and he'd say, you were praying for me on this date because I
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was date the prayers and the letters I'd write to him.
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And he's like, I was going through such a struggle of a season at that time.
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Like, you don't even know what you were praying for, but you were interceding for me.
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And I think that's the measure of, you know, when our prayers are spirit led, they're scripture
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based, there's so much power that we won't even know, maybe not even earth side, but it's
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I want to talk about some more of those prayers that you saw answered after you met your husband.
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You started praying for your husband biblically through or starting when you were 21.
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And then when did you meet your husband and how did that all happen?
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I think we met, um, truthfully, it wasn't that long.
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And I don't think that's because I just started praying, um, perfectly.
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Um, but we met, got engaged and married all in the same year.
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And now having a daughter myself, I'm like, oh, that sounds like crazy advice.
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But I was at the point where I remember the day my husband reached out to me and I saw
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that he was from a Christian home, that he was reaching out like in character.
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But was the most gentleman like media type conversation I've ever had.
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When you start like connecting the dots in your love story, I moved back home from college,
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met this girl who was in a similar season as me.
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And we really bonded over the fact we actually, she got a husband's Bible too.
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When we started being accountability partners, encouragement partners, anytime she was tempted
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And that was really transformative for me to have someone that would do that with me.
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So she moved away and I visit her trying to do the spark notes version.
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And she had a friend randomly come over when I was visiting one time.
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That friend later reached out to me on some way when she was visiting where I was.
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My mom goes, you don't have any friends here right now.
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My husband's the one rolled with vetting people's, you know, Instagrams, background check,
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And he sees a photo of me, a photo which I was like, I look terrible on that.
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So anytime your friend's going to post a photo and you're like, I don't look ugly, go ahead
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He saw that I was doing a Christian blog at that time.
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And he asked his best friend, like, should I reach out on Instagram?
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And he's like, no, only, you know, psycho guys do that.
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And so he sends me a message and then very quickly said, I would like your number, but
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And so I went from like, oh, no, another DM conversation to, wait, this is something
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I wasn't quite sure who his parents were at the time.
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But then I realized I had heard Lisa's message before.
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And I thought, this guy comes from a good home.
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I don't think anyone could arrest me at this point.
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And I said, Lord, I need to have clarity that the next guy I date is my future husband.
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Not to be legalistic, but you have shown me what it's like to, when I run rampant, when
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I get emotionally invested, I want to be so led and so clear every step of the way.
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Like to the point, Allie, on our first date, there were confirmations of dreams God had
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given us that I had never heard anyone else speak about.
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And just these crazy things where it permitted this understanding of who he is, what he was
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He led with so much clarity that I never had to wonder what I meant to him.
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And that's something I want every girl to get to have.
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Because most women today are wondering, is he going to ghost me?
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And I can attest that a man that knows he wants to be a husband, that is a leader that
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has that mantle and is ready to step into it, will date differently.
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They are on the front lines defending our First Amendment rights, the privacy and fairness
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for women and girls to have our own private spaces and sports teams.
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And right now, something is happening in Chicago, and they need your support.
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Chicago Public Schools are discriminating against private Christian college Moody Bible Institute
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because it only hires people who share its biblical beliefs.
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So the school district is actually blocking Moody's elementary education students from
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participating in Chicago's student teaching program.
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So Chicago Public Schools punishing the students at Moody Bible College.
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Sign on to their statement to show support for these students and their First Amendment rights
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So, and how quickly after that, after that first phone call and first date, were you like,
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okay, yeah, this is the person I want to marry?
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On our first date, we happened to meet both the first parents, both of each other's parents.
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And by the end of that date, my mom looked at me and she said, I think you met your future husband.
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I guess we were just chaperoned, which, hey, I mean, they used to do that in courting, so
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We just talked and talked about his vision, what we wanted to do for the future.
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Met the family, played can jam, a game I've never played before.
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And it was just a sweet time where there was romance, but it was also not too lofty and whimsical.
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He was trying to get to know me and make sure I was having fun and making sure that I saw
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And so from that date, we were married seven months after that, which sounds crazy saying
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We started dating and got married within nine months.
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It really is kind of a when you know, you know.
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So what were some tangible aspects of him and your relationship that were different than
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the relationships that you had in college pre-starting to really pray for your husband?
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Like, what did you notice right away that, okay, Lord, I see this is different?
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I think the biggest was in me because right before I had met him, there was a time where
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I was like, that prayer worked a little too quick.
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I feel a little sad that I was just that easy to let go of.
00:26:24.480
But this willingness to say, I will let go of things that are not your best.
00:26:28.460
Used to, I would have the approach of, I'm going to have my feelings involved.
00:26:32.780
And then I'm going to ask the Lord to bless it, which is just not, I mean, that's not really
00:26:37.100
orchestrating your steps, that's just asking God to put a stamp of approval on something
00:26:42.840
And I found this willingness in me to say, Lord, I want your best instead, which isn't
00:26:49.360
And it's actually not even an easy prayer to say, I want a kingdom marriage, because that
00:26:54.680
That's something that you'd be willing to grow in beforehand and during.
00:27:08.160
And just this, yeah, this willingness to follow that.
00:27:17.060
And on that date, as he says, he's like, I love how much you grilled me.
00:27:22.600
I love that you're not afraid to ask me hard questions to the point where I was like, oh
00:27:25.880
my goodness, was I like an FBI interrogator on that first date?
00:27:30.460
But he was actually praying for someone that was going to be hardworking, someone that
00:27:34.900
was going to be a partner and committed to that.
00:27:37.440
And he said he saw that within me, by the way, that I was like, no nonsense.
00:27:42.280
And I love that, because before I was a lot of nonsense.
00:27:44.640
I was like, just tell me I'm pretty and that you like me, maybe even a little bit.
00:27:52.640
And I think with a lot of dating today, people are afraid to ask those questions.
00:27:58.440
Like you want to be the girl that stands out rather than you want to know you can guard
00:28:05.440
He wants to protect your emotions, your spirit, your safety, like all of these things.
00:28:11.380
And so be okay with feeling outlandish a little bit.
00:28:15.100
Be okay with not every guy is going to like you.
00:28:23.400
There actually doesn't have to be 10,000 guys that you would marry out there.
00:28:27.580
There just has to be one guy that you would marry.
00:28:30.760
Something that you said that I think is so important, that he didn't play any games,
00:28:34.540
that he led you and was clear from the very start.
00:28:38.520
That's something I also loved about my husband from the beginning is that he was just like,
00:28:43.080
this is where I am in my life, emotionally, spiritually, and this is how I feel about you.
00:28:52.740
And it sounds like you had the same experience.
00:28:55.260
Unfortunately, that is not the experience that a lot of women have out there.
00:28:59.140
They're left every day convincing themselves that the guy that they're with likes them and
00:29:03.740
just wondering, okay, what can I do to like make him like me more?
00:29:09.240
I say, then you tell me what you think about this.
00:29:12.300
I think that if you are convincing yourself that he likes you or that you like him, that
00:29:20.240
And you shouldn't find yourself convincing yourself that this is the right thing.
00:29:30.060
But I think that that's typically a good indicator that you have decided, okay, I'm not going to
00:29:35.940
allow the Lord to order my steps, but I'm going to desperately just try to make this happen.
00:29:41.960
I have the privilege of getting to mentor some girls right now that are in their early
00:29:48.760
And it's interesting, like you said earlier, when you know, you know.
00:29:51.740
I think that phrase scares some people because it's like, well, what does that mean?
00:29:56.580
I like to say, when you know you don't know, that's something you can trust about actually
00:30:01.580
And again, it's hard to venture into that area of really sussing things out and asking
00:30:08.820
yourself, like, am I hoping for this or do I feel peace in this?
00:30:12.560
Is this peace because I want this to serve me or peace because, wow, that is a trajectory
00:30:17.880
of kingdom partnership that I could sign up with.
00:30:21.400
Like, I like to tell my girlfriends, if this guy is not someone that you would recommend
00:30:25.560
to date your best friend, why on earth are you dating him?
00:30:28.640
Like, if he's not someone that you would say that is a gold star of character, then
00:30:35.440
But I remember before I met my husband, I had dated someone else from the church.
00:30:41.060
And two months in, I think we had a conversation of, this is good, but is it great?
00:30:50.120
And we both walked away saying, yeah, it's good.
00:30:53.260
And even then I can look back and think, even in a good relationship, you have the potential
00:30:57.420
to settle if you were just short-sighting, like you said, is this the best God has for
00:31:02.500
And I think we all have a little bit more of that knowing than we sometimes like to admit
00:31:06.860
because, like you said, maybe I'm scared if I say no to this person, this good option,
00:31:13.940
But if we see how sacred and sweet that marriage is, if that's the caliber or the symbolism that
00:31:21.820
the Lord used for his love for the church and being the bride, why would we water it down
00:31:28.940
I think we need to have a higher regard for ourself, yes, but also for the sanctity and the
00:31:36.280
It is worth waiting the waters for to go to something that has longevity, it has peace,
00:31:47.460
On the days and seasons where it's hard, I look back and think, I am so reassured and
00:31:53.460
so confident that the Lord had his fingerprints on our relationship that it almost dispels my
00:31:58.840
doubts because I'm not wondering, did I make the wrong choice?
00:32:01.980
I'm thinking, I got to lean on the Lord and he showed up in uniting us together and bringing
00:32:08.140
And that almost just says it doesn't really matter what we're going through because we
00:32:20.100
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00:33:01.580
That reminds me of a debate that goes on kind of within the Christian dating world, and there's
00:33:12.360
one perspective that says, as long as they are, it sounds like the guy that you dated
00:33:16.480
before, a good person, Christian, all of that, then get married and figure it out together.
00:33:21.400
And then there's another perspective, and this is my perspective, that all of that stuff
00:33:26.240
The fact that he loves Jesus and that he has these enduring characteristics that will weather
00:33:31.060
a lot of storms, like that matters, but you also should be attracted to them.
00:33:36.340
Like you should have those feelings of romance and love and like, oh my goodness, I want to
00:33:42.320
That's not, you know, those super exciting, I can't wait to see them again feelings aren't
00:33:47.440
going to persist in exactly the same way forever and ever.
00:33:52.360
I think that they're an important kind of glue in the very beginning that brings people
00:33:57.100
But some people would say that's really not important.
00:33:59.840
As long as you share faith and you share the character qualities that you're looking
00:34:03.540
for in another person, figure it out from there and make it work.
00:34:09.200
Well, I have the benefit of coming from my husband has three brothers, and so there's
00:34:16.000
There's a lot of testosterone in that household.
00:34:17.940
If I were to take that theology, then we could just swap husbands.
00:34:21.000
Like I could be married to my brother-in-law, one of my sister-in-laws would be married to
00:34:23.860
my husband, and it just would have worked out just the same.
00:34:26.320
But I see such specificness within those partnerships.
00:34:30.200
I see, wow, there is an attribute that that couple has that strengthened them both for
00:34:34.420
the call, for the character, for the qualities and identity they have.
00:34:40.780
There is this intentionality in who we choose as our partner, but it is a choice.
00:34:46.660
So we do have the choice of, I'm going to partner with this person.
00:34:52.160
And I think if your yes is like, meh, like, yeah, they're cute.
00:34:57.400
What really is, how much of a gift is that yes?
00:35:00.360
If it's just like a, yeah, this will work out rather than, wow, I'm on fire for this
00:35:05.040
Again, not just because I'm infatuated and I think they're the most good looking person
00:35:09.300
I've ever seen, but because I see something on their life that I'm excited to partner with.
00:35:14.660
So I do think that means I have an understanding of their character, of their vision, of, you
00:35:22.860
Now, was my husband everything I thought on paper?
00:35:27.320
But he had qualities that I didn't even know to expect and that those serve me so well and
00:35:32.960
what I'm called to, like the way he champions me, the way that I'm able to support him.
00:35:37.420
Those are all such a unique experience to how we're connected.
00:35:42.160
And so I would say if anyone's tempted just to kind of pick someone, that's probably more
00:35:47.920
from a standard of thinking I'm going to miss out on something rather than I feel life on
00:35:54.400
And, you know, you look at courting and that was the standard for centuries and decades.
00:35:59.680
It mostly changed around the 1950s is when we see all of like the sexual revolution and
00:36:04.080
things start to influence how people choose their partner.
00:36:15.940
I'm not saying that the Lord can't work within that.
00:36:18.560
But I'm saying those were areas where people were already vetted.
00:36:22.420
And it's like, you know, your mom would introduce you to someone.
00:36:30.480
Like there's something that is important on both sides.
00:36:32.760
And so I think it's neat that we have both those camps.
00:36:35.960
But yes, please don't just pick someone because you feel like, you know, all the pieces of
00:36:41.220
the pie are being taken and you have to grab one.
00:36:43.820
Do you think that going back to that courting setup that you just described, that basically
00:36:49.540
this was someone that the family knows and the family knows the other family, you get
00:36:54.420
to know each other together, you fall in love kind of in that communal setting is the
00:37:00.900
antidote to a lot of just like the chaos and isolation and the series of heartbreaks that
00:37:10.520
I know people married who met each other on dating apps, but just in general, like the
00:37:15.080
culture of immediacy and superficiality and like high emotions, quick obsession, then being
00:37:22.140
I just don't know that our hearts were created to be able to handle all of that.
00:37:25.720
So do you think that reverting back to kind of how it was pre-first sexual revolution
00:37:34.820
And I think we see a correlation between the decline in servanthood within even the family
00:37:39.800
dynamic and the decline of servanthood in marriage.
00:37:42.380
Like we are such independent beings that it makes sense we don't necessarily know how to
00:37:47.160
do relationships in marriage well, because that's a lost art.
00:37:50.920
And we see that Jesus modeled that servanthood so, so well.
00:37:54.300
He, of course, had his times of solitude and like his own purpose that none of his disciples
00:37:59.040
could live up to, but he did things in community.
00:38:04.340
And so I think we, you know, even going to the courting model is like you met people in
00:38:08.300
family because people still wanted to be with their families.
00:38:12.440
They wanted to be part of friendships, not just because they wanted something to do or to
00:38:17.160
belong, but they wanted to serve the mission of those things.
00:38:20.240
So I think if we can get back to a model of, you know, mission in our life of serving of
00:38:26.740
being around people and then courting, I mean, I feel like you're saying the women that are
00:38:31.960
being ghosted, I would love for those women to have people that are in their inner circle.
00:38:38.180
It's like, Hey, I'm going to vet this person with you.
00:38:40.820
I'm going to be part of that evaluation stage because that's is what dating is for.
00:38:45.700
It should be this quick clarity of, you know, are you my person or not?
00:38:50.700
But the average couple today dates for two and a half years, you know, like me and you
00:38:55.320
where you were a couple months with dating and now people are dating for 30 months.
00:38:58.640
And I'm like, what more are you actually garnering that you cannot ascertain in that period?
00:39:10.120
I think so many couples have the uphill battle of trying to figure it out by themselves.
00:39:14.960
So many women have the battle of trying to see, is this the right guy for me?
00:39:21.880
And if you can bring in trusted voices, it's going to serve you hopefully so much less heartache
00:39:30.180
And if you're thinking, well, this guy's great.
00:39:32.220
Like, you know, we've been going out by ourselves and why do I need to bring someone in?
00:39:35.820
If he has nothing to hide, then there's going to be nothing that has to be hidden.
00:39:38.900
Just bring more eyes and trusted voices into it.
00:39:41.880
And it also helps with the sexual aspect of it, too.
00:39:50.360
And I think some people think, well, in order to really know this person, I have to be spending
00:39:56.640
I'm not saying you should never have alone time.
00:39:59.000
But there's a difference between alone time when you're like taking a walk in the park
00:40:02.420
and going to get coffee and alone time at 11 p.m.
00:40:08.300
Yeah, like you're not talking to them at that point anyway.
00:40:14.060
And so talk about that a little bit, because that's also apparently a little controversial
00:40:18.940
This so-called purity culture that is being demonized.
00:40:22.240
And I could definitely talk about like the bad and the ugly of some of the messages that
00:40:28.760
But essentially, we are told to flee sexual immorality.
00:40:32.560
We see Joseph fleeing Potiphar's wife, literally running away from it.
00:40:36.640
It sounds to me like this family courtship system would really help us completely flee.
00:40:43.280
Because I think we think not sinning is getting as close to sinning as possible and then stopping
00:40:50.180
And that is not how a Christian is supposed to live our lives.
00:40:54.940
But that's not what's best for our heart and body and future spouses.
00:40:59.460
Like why put yourself in a position that's so hard?
00:41:02.240
It's hard to be right on the line and not tiptoe it.
00:41:05.360
Um, my husband really modeled this so beautifully and I'm so thankful that he guarded our purity
00:41:11.260
He had, um, a friend where if we did have a later night hangout, he said, okay, I'm going
00:41:15.580
to call my friend and we're going to put a timer on the phone, make sure we're separated
00:41:21.440
You know, the timer would go off and I'm like, but it's okay.
00:41:23.500
Like, I just want to keep hanging out with you.
00:41:25.060
And he said, no, like I know the slippery slope this is.
00:41:28.540
And I love his heart for that because, you know, one of the things, and I'm loose to
00:41:32.720
say promises, because I don't want to say that God gave me the promise of this great
00:41:36.480
But I did feel the urging to believe again for that purity and character.
00:41:41.000
And so the fact that I got to marry someone that was a virgin on our wedding day, it just
00:41:45.680
seems like high school me would be like, how on earth?
00:41:54.820
Maybe you don't have a strong community around you.
00:41:58.560
Maybe if you have the gift of singleness right now, like form those people that are going
00:42:01.760
to stand by you on your wedding day, that are going to walk through the evaluation with
00:42:07.060
Find a couple that's doing marriage well and glean from them in that.
00:42:19.820
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What are some of the specific prayers you prayed that you saw answered in your husband?
00:43:25.320
I see so much of maybe not necessarily answered in the way that we understand it, which I
00:43:36.340
think is sometimes hard because we're used to such as, like you said, an instantaneous
00:43:40.540
lifestyle by the whole way that our system operates today.
00:43:43.540
But I see those answers continue to play out in the way that he's a father.
00:43:50.380
He recently stepped into a new role at the ministry.
00:43:57.580
And now I'm thinking about it like, well, why am I shocked?
00:44:00.920
And not that that's all on my own strength, but I've just come alongside that in a small
00:44:05.380
way and believing that the Lord will grow him and equip him.
00:44:09.140
And so I've seen him, like I said, be someone that guarded my purity instead of tempted it.
00:44:24.020
I even just saw when I was praying, the Lord give me dreams of aspects that my future
00:44:31.480
And in such a kind way, I feel like he tucked those away to where we're on our first date.
00:44:38.200
He seems to be the type of man I'm looking for.
00:44:40.820
And on our second date, had a moment of real clear, like this vision that I had dreamed
00:44:49.240
And I had this dream whenever I was praying for my future husband.
00:44:52.320
I went to sleep one night and I'm walking in this field and it's somewhere I'd never
00:44:58.760
I see this crowd out in front and then I realize I'm holding hands with someone and I look
00:45:04.040
over and I look up and it's this man I'd never seen.
00:45:12.940
And then he put on his glasses and I woke up and I was like, well, thank you, Lord, because
00:45:16.280
that man was attractive and taught like all the things, but I'd never met him before.
00:45:21.220
So obviously, I'm still praying for someone that's not yet out there.
00:45:28.660
And then on our second date, we were long distance.
00:45:31.500
So we were doing like a FaceTime movie date and he said, hold on, I have to go put my
00:45:36.580
And as soon as I saw him, it was like that dream reawoken, which I'm so grateful that
00:45:40.560
that was tucked away because, you know, when you're praying for specifics, especially if
00:45:44.580
you have like a list of some sort, I think in God's kindness, he like tucks those away.
00:45:51.060
I mean, it would have been really easy to wake up the next day, find a guy with curly hair
00:45:54.540
and glasses and be like, you, you're my future husband.
00:45:56.800
Um, but I think when we're praying for vision and for clarity that the Lord will kindly reawaken
00:46:07.380
And I believe that's so true, whether your timing is in singleness or when something comes
00:46:13.180
Um, and so relying on that so keenly is such a gift it was to me.
00:46:18.560
You know, there might be people watching this, maybe they're in their late thirties, they're
00:46:23.240
not married yet and they're listening to us and they're like, wow, y'all got married
00:46:32.460
You don't know the heartbreak that I've gone through of having this hope deferred over and
00:46:37.880
Would you say that this book about praying for your future husband is for that stage of
00:46:44.400
life to that woman who really feels completely hopeless that her desire for a family is ever
00:46:53.520
And not because I can encapsulate that perfectly, but because the principle stays true.
00:46:58.280
And anytime we're believing for the Lord in prayer and faith, it's not to ascertain an
00:47:08.620
If you have been heartbroken and I'm so comforted in any hard season of Ecclesiastes, there is a
00:47:18.040
But what the Lord does, and I love watching this in the Psalms, is David comes in all like
00:47:31.580
Not because it's not valid, but because it's not the ending point.
00:47:38.400
And there is validity to people that might say, maybe you are called to singleness.
00:47:46.760
But from what I have seen in what this book is, I feel like there is a need for more hope
00:47:52.720
And that's not necessarily what you receive when you're single.
00:47:55.720
It's not necessarily what you receive when you're separated or you're a widow.
00:48:02.100
But what I feel the call to do is just to inspire hope.
00:48:04.600
Like, have audacious faith, the amount of people in the Bible, such as Noah when he's
00:48:10.520
building the ark, Simeon whenever he's preparing for the Messiah to come, and baby Jesus walks
00:48:16.600
in and he knows immediately, Joseph when he has the dream and he has that delayed waiting.
00:48:28.640
And so if you are in the season of waiting has been long, I'm tempted to give up.
00:48:34.920
My MO would say to have faith, not that it's easy, not that you don't have valid emotions
00:48:40.760
and frustrations, but because I would rather wait on something, believing the Lord can do
00:48:45.580
it rather than short-sighted because I stopped believing that he was going to do something.
00:48:50.740
I think it's also so important to remember that yes to the world, praying for a future husband,
00:48:57.160
past the time that the world says, oh, well, that's too late.
00:49:04.480
Does look crazy, but time spent in the Lord's presence is not wasted time.
00:49:11.660
Even if, because I can't guarantee, no one can guarantee what your love story is going
00:49:16.800
to look like if you are going to find a husband, if you're going to find a husband in the next
00:49:23.120
But it is not stupid or wasted time praying for that because the lesson that I learned
00:49:29.200
from you when you were talking is like the Lord sanctified you and healed you and taught
00:49:34.960
you things in his word, not just things that he accomplished in your husband, which is really
00:49:41.740
But time spent in prayer, time spent in faith, time spent in his word is not time that's
00:49:51.540
So if you're like at that point where you're like, well, there's no point in me praying
00:49:55.000
for this anymore because it's probably not just going, it's just not going to happen.
00:49:58.960
Psalm 16 tells us that at his right hand are pleasures forevermore.
00:50:03.920
So no matter what stage of life you're in, your joy doesn't have to start when you find
00:50:08.940
your husband, when you get married, when you have kids, good desires, but the Lord wants
00:50:14.200
you to know that you can have the fullness of pleasure right now because you're in his
00:50:21.680
And that's not something that like, I don't have to have experienced the same length of
00:50:27.480
waiting and singleness as someone else to be able to guarantee what God's word says about
00:50:31.580
pleasure and joy and fulfillment in his presence.
00:50:36.680
And I think you're touching on the idea of comparison, even in those seasons.
00:50:41.360
I felt that writing this book, like, can I even write this because I haven't waited as
00:50:45.900
much as other people, but comparison is one of those traps where we're going to miss out
00:50:49.700
on the specific things that the Lord wants to do for you because we think what doesn't
00:50:53.920
look like, you know, my waiting season doesn't look like my friends.
00:50:59.800
In Luke 8, we see this account where I think there was a little bit of unfairness where
00:51:04.280
Jairus is saying, come heal my daughter, please, Jesus, I trust in you.
00:51:09.360
And on the way there, this woman interrupts him who needed her own healing.
00:51:13.900
And they have to stop and wait for him to heal her.
00:51:17.020
And in my mind, Jairus was probably like, hey, Jesus, we were coming to my house.
00:51:23.560
But she has this moment where, and not knowing her story, she had been waiting for, I believe,
00:51:29.800
to be like years, over a decade for this healing.
00:51:32.600
And so in our limited, narrow mindset, it's easy to see the linear equation of that, of
00:51:40.300
When really, Jesus is working on both behalves.
00:51:43.420
And then the element in both of their stories is he tells her, go, your faith has healed
00:51:48.420
And then he tells Jairus, when everyone's laughing at him, hey, your daughter's dead.
00:51:59.560
He resurrects something that, someone that was dead.
00:52:02.440
And probably people feel that way about their relationship status of singleness.
00:52:07.520
It's like, there's no way God can do this anymore.
00:52:12.140
And he tells us, you know, that looks different for each person.
00:52:17.420
There's different reasons why I'm stopping and doing this for them now.
00:52:23.540
I think that's the thing I want people to walk away with is, though comparison could happen,
00:52:29.000
though you could say, well, I'm after this person.
00:52:46.640
Yeah, that's such a good lesson to learn from that passage that I hadn't really thought about before, that I'm sure Jairus is like, he is on his own timeline.
00:53:00.260
It's going to take, whether she's dead or alive, it's going to take supernatural power for me to heal.
00:53:07.600
But I mean, imagine that situation, no worse situation, your kid dying, your child dying.
00:53:13.240
Of course, you're feeling like, I'm sorry you're taking a pit stop.
00:53:17.780
Like, this is the most important thing in the world.
00:53:21.000
I can't imagine how distressing that must feel.
00:53:23.840
And if that is true, that in that moment, Jesus wanted to pause and do something else, as he so often did when he was going to do something, he paused and did something else.
00:53:33.280
Because then, I mean, how much more is he doing that probably in all of the little ways in our lives when we feel like this?
00:53:43.620
We always say on this show that God's eternal plan of redemption is always going off without a hitch.
00:53:51.540
I love that aspect of your book, just believing in the Lord for his goodness and being taught through the power of prayer.
00:53:58.240
Or what else do you want people to walk away with after they finish your book?
00:54:07.220
I think the idea that, you know, there is so much more to this.
00:54:13.660
There's so much more than this than just receiving the husband.
00:54:16.940
And truthfully, if I could be completely transparent, sometimes it's easier to pray for your future husband coming and then receive that gift and be like, okay, check.
00:54:31.240
My time praying for my future husband isn't enough to sustain our marriage.
00:54:37.380
One, not just for him to be blessed, but for us to stay together.
00:54:42.260
There is so evidently a spiritual attack on marriage.
00:54:44.740
And I think part of that is why we're seeing dating and singleness being as tough as it is because he doesn't want people to come together stronger.
00:54:52.140
But staying in prayer of, you know, even if someone's watching this, there's the Dear Future Husband Prayer Journal Companion.
00:54:58.880
It doesn't just have to be for a future husband.
00:55:03.280
Something I'm, you know, aware of is death and life is in the power of the tongue.
00:55:08.880
And I see so much right now in the media of just put men down, speak negatively about men.
00:55:15.060
Maybe you're single and you're saying dating is the worst.
00:55:19.100
That may be true, but how are we speaking about it?
00:55:23.280
Like men don't know how to lead, so I'm going to cover them so that they are able to lead.
00:55:28.860
I'm going to speak life and blessing over that.
00:55:31.920
The quote that there is a king and a fool and every man and who you speak to arises is something so true.
00:55:41.660
Even telling women, pray for your future husband.
00:55:46.600
Am I seeing, even when he's on his good days, am I seeing him to be great?
00:55:51.360
Is my words and my prayers, the way I create an atmosphere in our home, is that for life and power and for God to move?
00:56:01.800
I want to challenge myself and challenge other women.
00:56:07.200
Speak well of them and call into things not that yet as they are, but as they could be.
00:56:13.680
Most of the people who watch this podcast are already married.
00:56:17.640
And it's so true that whatever you prayed for your future husband, you should also be praying for your current husband.
00:56:23.260
Because you're right, it's easy to think, oh, I did this to get this and I got it.
00:56:27.940
But all of that spiritual formation that you wanted in your future husband, how much more?
00:56:34.860
And now we actually know the circumstances that they're going through.
00:56:37.640
Their insecurities, all of those things, and we know specifically how to pray, it's just as powerful in the present moment as it was when we were anticipating this gift.
00:56:48.560
And I don't know about your husband, but my husband is so stoic and it's a quality I love about him.
00:56:52.980
But he's not going to come up to me the same way as my girlfriend and say, hey, babe, I need prayer in this.
00:57:01.660
And so it takes spiritual eyes to even be able to discern that.
00:57:04.740
Yes, it's easier once you're with him to see how to pray for him.
00:57:07.500
But you also just need to be, not you, but like all of us need to stay adamant on searching that out.
00:57:14.060
And I read something in Jeremiah 15 that really struck me by this because Jeremiah is over here being faithful.
00:57:28.940
And then he gets to this point of complaining about it.
00:57:31.000
And he's like, God, you know, it's better that I was never born.
00:57:36.880
And then God says, I need you to stop and repent so that I may restore you.
00:57:41.980
And he's over here like, I haven't done anything wrong.
00:57:45.280
And he's like, yes, but I need you to be my mouthpiece.
00:57:53.160
And so, you know, it's not an easy call to be a godly wife.
00:57:58.840
But the Lord can use that to do incredible things.
00:58:02.660
And I'm hoping that there's more kingdom marriages.
00:58:05.140
There's more restored relationships and identity.
00:58:08.000
But that's going to come with us counting the cost, as Jesus tells us to do.
00:58:11.860
And I believe there's blessing that comes when we do that well.
00:58:15.660
And it's so transformative, both for the person you're praying for and for you.
00:58:19.100
When every time you're tempted to complain or to criticize or to nag, you turn that into prayer, both for yourself to repent and to not be a complainer and a nagger and a negative Nancy and all of that, but also for them to become the man that you know that they are called to be.
00:58:37.100
I love what you said about a fool and a king and every man and who we speak to and who we pray for.
00:58:44.340
God has preordained that the power of prayer has great authority and power as it is working.
00:58:51.800
And we wed that with romance and finding the person that we're spending the rest of our lives with.
00:58:57.560
And it's really, really not only life-changing, but world-changing.
00:59:04.300
Everyone can buy your book wherever books are sold, right?
00:59:08.160
If they can figure out how to spell my last name, it's hard for some people.
00:59:22.840
Follow you on Instagram and all of that good stuff.
00:59:29.620
We're very on brand there with all the Dear Future Husband stuff.
00:59:32.840
And yeah, it's for anyone that's waiting and wanting to have a resurgence of hope in their