Relatable with Allie Beth Stuckey - Ep 1345 ｜ Going 'No Contact' with Parents： Is It Biblical？

00:00:00.800 Going no contact with your parents.

00:00:03.400 Is this ever justified?

00:00:05.300 While it is a very pervasive trend on social media and in therapy culture today, what is

00:00:11.520 the truth about it?

00:00:12.660 Why is this happening?

00:00:14.000 And most importantly, what does the Bible have to say about this?

00:00:17.760 We've got all of this and much more on today's episode of Relatable.

00:00:30.000 Hey guys, welcome to Relatable. Happy Monday. Hope everyone had a wonderful Mother's Day

00:00:35.120 weekend. If you love this podcast, can you please leave us a five-star review? That would be so

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00:01:00.960 Also, Share the Arrows tickets are available to you if you go to sharethearrows.com.

00:01:06.680 October 11th, October 10th.

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00:01:37.620 All right, let me start off this week, this day by reminding you, God's eternal plan of

00:01:42.220 redemption, it's going off without a hitch completely.

00:01:45.540 Last time I checked, last time I read my Bible, I said, oh, yep, there it is.

00:01:50.040 He's never surprised.

00:01:51.020 He's never taken it back.

00:01:52.040 He's never caught off guard.

00:01:53.020 He's never looking at your life, looking at the state of the world, looking at our political

00:01:57.500 situation and wondering how the heck did this happen?

00:02:00.260 I didn't see that coming.

00:02:01.880 I don't know how to clean up this mess.

00:02:03.380 I don't know how to put things back together.

00:02:05.100 I guess I got to figure it out, get together with my angels and do this kind of huddle

00:02:09.620 to figure out how we're going to clean up this mess down here.

00:02:12.620 That's not how God works.

00:02:13.780 God is totally sovereign.

00:02:14.940 He is not limited by our linear timeline.

00:02:17.060 He is not limited by time and space.

00:02:19.320 He knows everything and he is all powerful.

00:02:21.720 And sometimes with that knowledge, it's easy to think, wow, how does he allow all these

00:02:25.980 bad things to happen?

00:02:26.860 If I were in charge, I wouldn't allow these bad things to happen.

00:02:29.900 And I totally understand the temptation to think that, whether you're thinking about

00:02:33.480 hardship in your own life or just tragedies and evils that go on in the world.

00:02:38.100 But I always go back to Psalm 37, and I'm reminded that God is never doing nothing,

00:02:43.780 that his wrath against evil, against true oppression is kindling.

00:02:48.440 it is growing, and that his eternal plan of redemption, which includes defeating evil and

00:02:53.940 the evil one forever and ever, and fully redeeming and protecting and preserving and avenging his

00:03:01.640 people, that day is coming. His victory is sure. He is never doing nothing. And one day there will

00:03:08.780 be no more sin. There will be no more sadness. There will be no more despair. There will be no

00:03:12.840 more disappointment, no more cancer, no more abortion, no more injustice, no more lawlessness,

00:03:19.340 no more chaos, no more confusion. And Jesus is going to rule in perfect peace in totality

00:03:25.460 forever and ever. This is a light and momentary affliction, even when it doesn't seem like it.

00:03:30.560 And the glory that we are promised as Christians, not because of anything we've done, but because

00:03:35.580 of what Christ did for us on the cross, it's sure. And that's where our hope and where our

00:03:40.160 joy comes from. So I just want to remind you of that. And in light of that, what do we do? What

00:03:44.520 do we always say? We adopt a phrase that I heard Elizabeth Elliott say a lot, and then we've added

00:03:48.960 to it over the years. Do the next right thing in faith with excellence and for the glory of God.

00:03:54.060 Do the next right thing. That's it. In faith with excellence and for the glory of God. In light of

00:03:58.940 this grand eternal plan of redemption, that next right thing could be changing a diaper with joy.

00:04:04.000 It could be reading Dr. Seuss to your child. It could be writing a really excellent email to a

00:04:09.160 client. It could be treating your neighbor with kindness. It could be cooking a good dinner.

00:04:13.840 It could be doing some big, bold act of faith and obedience that you know God has called you to,

00:04:18.960 but that you've been scared to do. Or it could be an unseen and unsung private act of obedience

00:04:26.360 that you know that the Lord is leading you to do or to say. Do the next right thing in faith

00:04:33.280 with excellence and for the glory of God, knowing that God is totally in charge and he's taking care

00:04:37.760 of the rest. I have to preach myself to myself that every day, and I also just want to encourage

00:04:44.120 you with that as well. All right, today is Theology Monday, and it could also be Topical

00:04:49.700 Monday because we're really talking about things that are more evergreen, things that are less

00:04:55.440 tied to the news cycle or something that is going viral, and rather something that is going on with

00:05:02.740 the culture and what the Bible has to say about it. Or maybe it's just a strictly theological

00:05:07.680 idea that I see people confused about. And it's not that I have all of the answers in the world,

00:05:13.680 but I'm navigating this with all of you trying to go back to the Word of God to seek the clarity

00:05:19.260 that He so graciously gives us in Scripture. And today I want to talk about a trend that I've

00:05:24.440 noticed on social media and been very disturbed by over the past several months, but even over

00:05:30.080 the past few years. And that is the trend of going, quote unquote, no contact with your family,

00:05:36.860 specifically with your parents. And this really kind of intersects with the therapy culture

00:05:43.180 conversation that we had a couple of weeks ago. I really encourage you to go back and to listen to

00:05:48.200 that episode, watch that episode. It's proven very controversial on Christian Therapy Instagram.

00:05:53.820 But if you actually go back and you listen to my entire analysis of it, you'll see

00:05:59.140 that it's not black and white, my assessment, that it really is an effort to look at therapy

00:06:07.100 and counseling in light of God's wisdom and what he actually says. And I want to do the same thing

00:06:12.320 with this topic. So if you don't even know what I'm talking about, there's this big trend on

00:06:16.320 social media, especially TikTok, of people proclaiming that they are no contact with

00:06:20.520 their family. No contact means you're not talking to them anymore. There's this woman who kind of

00:06:25.800 went viral she claims that her life suddenly started to go right that things started to

00:06:29.940 really come together after she cut her family off completely this is thought one you want to know

00:06:34.760 what's crazy after i went into contact with my mom and basically my entire family i started receiving

00:06:41.540 so many blessings when i was still in contact with my mother and she was draining my life force

00:06:49.420 like literally draining my life force out throughout my whole life and when i finally

00:06:53.920 had enough and gathered some strength from I don't know where to leave that situation

00:06:59.760 my blessings started pouring in like that all of my manifestations started

00:07:05.080 coming to me in physical form just like that okay so lots of issues with this I don't claim

00:07:12.520 to know every detail of this person's life maybe her mother really was doing completely terrible 0.87

00:07:18.920 things to her and that she had to set some healthy boundaries. And we'll get into that

00:07:24.060 as you'll see. But this mentality is very prominent. And this woman is wearing a cross

00:07:29.380 necklace. She probably claims to be a Christian. And yet what you've just heard there is completely 0.86

00:07:33.520 self-centered and completely new age. This idea that once I do this, once I fulfill the thing that

00:07:40.900 I want to do, once I make the choice that is best for me, then all of my blessings will fall into

00:07:46.340 place. We talked about this mentality a lot and you're not enough and that's okay. And this is

00:07:52.100 one particular manifestation of what I call the cult of self-affirmation, which tells you

00:07:56.540 if you learn to find fulfillment and love and satisfaction within yourself, if you go on this

00:08:03.500 road of self-discovery, you will go so deeply inside yourself that you will unlock the manifestation

00:08:08.780 of all of your dreams. You'll find that actually you are this perfect goddess who has the power

00:08:13.420 to accomplish everything that you want. This is a big kind of Glennon Doyle idea. She really pushes

00:08:19.420 this kind of narrative in her book, Untamed, and even the books preceding that. Very popular among

00:08:25.300 women, including people who call themselves Christians. Okay, this is another woman. She

00:08:31.320 posted a year update on her no contact policy with her parents that too. So it's been a year

00:08:39.560 since I've gone no contact with my parents. A few months after going no contact with my parents,

00:08:45.100 I had to distance myself from my entire biological family. I thought that I was like unique in this

00:08:51.760 way. I never expected to ever distance myself from my parents to ever be in a situation.

00:08:59.220 I thought I was nuts. I thought it was crazy. I didn't know what I was doing. It was just like

00:09:03.100 my body and my soul were saying, you need, it's time to step away. And losing that, I gained myself.

00:09:09.560 I've gained confidence, I've gained self-love, I've gained understanding.

00:09:17.660 So again, without knowing the details of this, I just want to highlight what this mentality is

00:09:23.000 and how it is echoed over and over again. I did this thing, I found myself. And remember Jesus's

00:09:30.240 words, if you want to find yourself, you'll lose yourself. If you want to live, you must die. If 0.79

00:09:34.960 you want to gain what I offer you, you must lose all of these things. And this mentality here is

00:09:39.880 the opposite. If I want to find myself, it's not that you have to deny yourself, it's that you have

00:09:46.500 to deny others. If you want to gain, it's not that you have to lose yourself in what you have,

00:09:52.460 you have to lose others. And so it's actually this exchange. Again, the cult of self-affirmation,

00:09:57.560 the worshiping of the God of self, this particular mentality reflects that, and it

00:10:03.020 esteems to influence people into going, quote unquote, no contact with their parents. I know

00:10:09.660 a lot of you out there are like, my situation is different. We'll get into all of that.

00:10:13.540 This particular perspective is the one that I want to highlight today and all of the

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00:11:25.880 okay so what is no contact no contact this is according to psychology today it's a deliberate

00:11:33.540 strategy in which a person completely cuts off all forms of communication and interaction with

00:11:37.800 another individual usually means a family member so no phone calls no text no emails social media

00:11:43.180 interactions in-person meetings and it usually is preceded by some kind of declaration and usually

00:11:50.500 it's some kind of therapist that has encouraged a person to go no contact. I've seen people post

00:11:55.900 and it seems even boast about this when it comes to grandparents and grandchildren. And I do just

00:12:01.800 want to say that so often the reasons given are not actually abuse. They're very often some kind

00:12:08.660 of disagreement. And I'm not even talking that the grandparent is like emotionally manipulating or

00:12:15.760 doing something horrible to the grandchildren, but there's just a difference in perspective

00:12:20.280 Very often, that is what is precipitating in these social media no-contact stories, the decision to sever all relationship between grandparents and grandkids or parents and kids.

00:12:34.000 According to a New York Post survey, more than one-third of Americans, one-third of Americans reportedly cut off all communication with a friend or a family member last year.

00:12:44.440 A lot of it very often has to do with politics.

00:12:48.260 And look, I understand if someone were super pro-abortion in my life, I'm not saying that

00:12:53.000 I would continue to be friends with them.

00:12:55.600 I'm much more concerned with this idea of almost arbitrarily throwing off all hope of

00:13:02.600 a relationship specifically with your parents.

00:13:06.500 Where did this come from?

00:13:07.640 Has it always been a thing?

00:13:08.980 Did social media create it?

00:13:10.280 Did the age of Trump and the polarization of politics create this?

00:13:14.440 The truth is, is that according to polls, this no contact trend has increased in mainstream

00:13:19.340 culture over the past few years.

00:13:21.540 It exploded in the 2020s, especially with Gen Z and social media platforms like TikTok.

00:13:29.180 So many, I think, of the harmful trends that we see today are part of a social contagion.

00:13:34.760 Also, there's a Reddit community, estranged adult child.

00:13:38.720 It's increased visitors by 47%.

00:13:41.920 And so, you know, we've always heard of estranged parents, especially estranged fathers throughout history.

00:13:47.800 But this isn't a strange child, a child who has chosen to go no contact.

00:13:51.460 There are almost half a million posts on TikTok with a no contact hashtag.

00:13:56.860 Videos featuring hashtag no contact generated 1.6 billion views in 2023 alone.

00:14:05.200 um this is an example of someone who says that she went no contact because of the words of her

00:14:11.980 parents thought three your millennial child going no contact with you isn't because they're ungrateful

00:14:17.440 you fed and watered them for 18 years it's because they told you a hundred times what hurt them and

00:14:23.440 instead of listening you played victim became emotionally abusive and then they had to set

00:14:28.400 a boundary to protect themselves the way you wouldn't protect them. Who said that?

00:14:35.180 I think the problem with this is that we don't actually know like so much of the reasoning that

00:14:40.800 I see on social media for going no contact. It's so broad and it's so vague. We don't know what she

00:14:47.560 means by emotional abuse. We don't know what she means by protection. If you're talking about

00:14:51.880 like actual abuse, like if you're talking about actual, like harmful, hateful actions and words,

00:14:59.960 okay, like that's one conversation to have. The problem with this is that this category of

00:15:05.180 justification for going no contact is so large. And it encompasses everything from petty offense

00:15:13.640 to political disagreements, to not liking your parents' tone, to your parents in your mind just

00:15:21.240 being too judgmental. There are so many reasons that are covered under this that I think are

00:15:26.200 awful reasons to cut off your parents. Even Oprah and her audience say that a lot of them

00:15:33.980 have gone no contact with their parents. Stop four.

00:15:36.960 Crystal, go ahead.

00:15:38.260 I have been no contact with my entire family for a year and a half now.

00:15:44.060 No contact?

00:15:45.120 No contact.

00:15:45.880 Not a phone call, not a text, not a nothing.

00:15:47.720 Nothing.

00:15:48.060 For a year and a half now. Okay. Chris, how about you?

00:15:51.240 It's been four years since I've had contact with my parents and my siblings.

00:15:54.780 Four years. Not a word.

00:15:57.820 Not a word.

00:15:58.740 Okay. And Kendall?

00:16:01.520 I've been no contact with my 30-year-old son for two years.

00:16:05.060 By your choice?

00:16:05.960 By choice.

00:16:07.280 Okay.

00:16:09.100 I just find this to be really sad.

00:16:12.120 We might not know the reasoning behind it, but I find that the fact that this is a trend,

00:16:18.580 that this is becoming more and more common and more and more pervasive. In my opinion,

00:16:24.300 in my opinion, it often has to do with our own fragility and our own narcissism, our own

00:16:30.480 selfishness, our own desire to avoid discomfort and inconvenience. In every case, no, certainly not

00:16:37.700 in every case. But I think in a lot of these cases, I do not think it's a coincidence that

00:16:43.320 as we become more obsessed with self-fulfillment and self-love, that difficult relationships and

00:16:50.320 disagreements become more and more intolerable. One of the key shifts, according to the New York

00:16:56.500 Post, is that today definitions of abuse and neglect have been broadened. Young people going

00:17:02.480 no contact with parents often emphasize emotional neglect, boundary violations. Look, emotions and

00:17:09.460 feelings are absolutely real. They do matter. I'm not saying that they don't. I don't know that

00:17:15.580 that is a reason to say I'm never going to talk to this person again, especially a parent,

00:17:20.880 especially the people who gave you life. The most common reason for going no contact cited by 36%

00:17:26.040 of participants was that the other person treated them with a lack of respect. Again, so broad. What

00:17:31.240 does that mean? Additional key reasons included the relationship having a negative effect on their

00:17:35.620 mental health. What does that mean? 29%. And the other person being generally too negative, 27%.

00:17:42.820 Look, it's not good to be around constantly negative people, bad company, corrupts good

00:17:48.480 character. That is a biblical truth that we can live by. Maybe that's true with an acquaintance

00:17:53.920 or a coworker or a friend. When it comes to your parents, I do not believe that these are

00:17:58.200 justifications for cutting them off. 73% of the respondents to the survey said they feel inclined

00:18:03.780 to distance themselves from loved ones when they experience difficulty rather than openly

00:18:09.400 communicating to solve the problem. There are actually no studies, and this is very telling,

00:18:14.820 no studies of this phenomenon before the social media era. This trend is especially prevalent,

00:18:21.520 also telling to me, among those who identify as gay or transgender. A recent study shows that

00:18:27.740 half of LGBTQ people are estranged from their families. And I think that people would look at

00:18:33.980 that and automatically assume that, oh, that's because their families aren't accepting. That's

00:18:39.480 because their families won't celebrate them. Well, that might actually be true, but I guarantee you

00:18:44.200 a large percentage of those families say, I love you. I want a relationship with you. I can't agree

00:18:50.440 with you identifying as the opposite sex. I can't agree with you living this lifestyle because 1.00

00:18:55.480 it's actually very dark, but I want to still have a relationship with you. I can guarantee a large

00:19:02.100 percentage of the relationship dynamics in that percentage is characterized by what I just

00:19:07.260 explained and that it's actually the person who identifies as LGBTQ saying, no, if I cannot be 0.88

00:19:12.660 unapologetically celebrated because of how I now identify, I'm not going to be friends with you.

00:19:17.760 That again is not a problem with the parents living by their convictions. It is a problem

00:19:24.100 with the child who has elevated their own sexual and gender desires above the cohesion of their

00:19:31.680 family. And also just a fragility to say, you can only be around family members that will

00:19:38.400 assent to every single thing that you do. And that's an unfair, unrealistic and narcissistic

00:19:45.140 expectation. All right. We've got more on this in just a second. Let me pause, tell you about

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00:21:09.800 She wrote two books and I've talked to her about both. She is awesome. One of them is called Bad

00:21:14.200 therapy. And she has also talked about the trans community, so-called trans identifying community,

00:21:21.460 uses going no contact in a cult-like manner. She argues that people who say that they're

00:21:26.940 transgender often cut off their family and then replace them with a quote-unquote glitter family

00:21:31.720 of accepting LGBTQ friends as a replacement. According to Commentary Magazine, another 0.98

00:21:37.660 factor driving family estrangement is politics. So according to a 2024 survey, one in five of

00:21:43.920 those estranged from family members cited political this is according to time magazine actually

00:21:48.460 cited political differences um as the reason political differences among those estranged

00:21:55.580 over politics nearly half reported that the break occurred within the year leading up to the 2024

00:22:00.640 election and um i actually have some experience with this i have seen this firsthand and i won't

00:22:07.360 go into too much detail but there is a family member not in my immediate family thank you lord

00:22:11.960 But there is a family member who, over the past few years, has become very liberal.

00:22:17.180 And I can say the conservative members of my family have tried very hard to maintain

00:22:22.300 this relationship with this person whose values have drastically changed over the past eight

00:22:28.280 or so years.

00:22:29.120 It is this person who refuses to maintain the relationship with everyone else.

00:22:34.940 And these conservatives in my family are not trying to change her mind.

00:22:39.980 they're not trying to constantly talk about politics. In fact, they're okay with avoiding

00:22:44.580 the political conversation. They just really want to maintain a relationship with this person. And

00:22:50.080 yet this person in my extended family does not want that because politics for them has become

00:22:54.940 so much more important than even the relationships in her immediate family. And so I'm not saying

00:23:00.720 that that's true in every single case. That seems to be the trend though, that it is the progressive

00:23:06.620 family member that is holding the boundary of saying, no, my politics are actually more important

00:23:12.160 than my friendship or my relationship with my siblings, my relationship with the people

00:23:17.100 that used to be the closest in my life. The root of this no contact trend can actually

00:23:23.380 be traced back. So many of these things are not actually new. To someone named Salvador Mnuchin,

00:23:29.620 he was a family therapist, and he developed the theory of structural family therapy in the 1960s.

00:23:36.400 Mnuchin's theory was that healthy families had clear boundaries, and families where there

00:23:40.780 weren't enough boundaries, individuals become enmeshed. For families that had too rigid

00:23:45.820 boundaries, they would become disengaged. He was a popular secular psychologist, and his goal,

00:23:52.460 he said, was healthy, balanced relationships between family members. But the boundaries

00:23:57.760 concept that he popularized is now being hyperbolized. It is being taken to new lengths,

00:24:05.640 and it is being used in a way that maybe he didn't originally intend, and it is being used

00:24:11.980 to produce families that are completely estranged. Obviously, there are such things as good

00:24:18.100 boundaries. Within your family, you come up with rules, you come up with parameters, you come up

00:24:23.120 with values, and you decide what is a non-negotiable, what are the kinds of people and the kinds of

00:24:28.140 views that we don't want around our children, that we don't want around ourselves. There is a

00:24:34.360 healthy enforcement of boundaries. But this arbitrary or this very narcissistic, I'm going

00:24:42.100 to push all of these blood related people in my life away because they won't affirm everything I

00:24:49.020 believe in, that is extremely dangerous. There are many in the no contact crowd that cite childhood

00:24:56.360 trauma as a reason for cutting off parents. But the trauma that they so often talk about on TikTok,

00:25:01.760 it bears very little resemblance to what psychologists actually affirm is trauma.

00:25:09.200 Most of the studies focus on physical or sexual abuse when we're talking about trauma,

00:25:13.820 but the main focus for this no-contact crowd hinges on emotional trauma,

00:25:18.940 which, as we've already said, is extremely vague.

00:25:21.520 So the user Courage Coaching on social media explains parents' faults that cause no-contact, allegedly, SOT6.

00:25:29.440 It is because they haven't been able to apologise for the hurt that they've caused

00:25:35.860 and because they continue to hurt their adult child.

00:25:41.160 They continue to overstep boundaries.

00:25:44.720 They continue to act in an emotionally immature way.

00:25:49.480 They don't take accountability for any abusive behaviour.

00:25:53.100 They don't go to therapy to improve how they relate to their children.

00:25:59.440 That is why adult children go no contact, because the parent is not willing to change.

00:26:07.640 Okay, someone acting in an emotionally immature way is not a reason to cut them off.

00:26:12.620 I'm just going to say that outright.

00:26:14.820 I'm just going to be very black and white about that.

00:26:17.080 Every single person, you included, you included every single person, has acted in an emotionally immature way.

00:26:24.520 I just, if you're in this crowd, I just want you to ask yourself, do you hold yourself by the same standard to which you're holding other people?

00:26:33.560 Because that's, it's giving lack of self-awareness.

00:26:40.220 There is this guy right here, right over my shoulder, whose name is C.S. Lewis.

00:26:43.700 And I'm going to paraphrase one of his quotes.

00:26:46.280 And it just sticks with me.

00:26:47.640 And I think about this all the time because our sinful nature has such a propensity to

00:26:50.980 think this way is that we are far too quick to give excuses to ourselves and far too quick

00:26:57.460 to, and far too slow to give excuses for others.

00:27:00.380 And so when we're thinking about our own bad behavior, we always have so much context in

00:27:05.720 our head that justifies it. 1.00

00:27:07.420 Well, it's this time of the month. 1.00

00:27:09.200 It was this time of the day.

00:27:11.080 I had this going on.

00:27:12.940 I have so much that's overwhelming me.

00:27:14.940 I was overstimulated. And so that's why I acted out in that way. But when other people treat us

00:27:20.260 with the gruffness that we just treated someone else, when someone else snaps at us, when someone

00:27:25.300 else is overly emotional or someone else is immature, we don't give them any excuse. We

00:27:30.320 don't give them any context. We don't say, well, maybe they had this going on in their day or this

00:27:34.960 going on in their lives, or maybe they were dealing with that. That is just the simple way

00:27:39.480 we have to train ourselves to think differently. And so those who say, I'm cutting off my parents

00:27:45.340 because they were emotionally immature. I mean, you think that they enjoyed your temper tantrums

00:27:51.520 when you were 10 years old or when you were 16 years old and you were still acting like a six

00:27:56.640 year old? I mean, I just think we are so slow to give grace to the people who for so many years

00:28:03.260 of our lives gave grace to us. The way that this phrase childhood trauma is thrown around in

00:28:08.900 discussions of toxic parents is typically framed in terms of some kind of emotional difficulty so

00:28:21.320 that they can apply to almost anything. So if a parent was too hands-off or a parent was too

00:28:26.600 hands-on or a parent was too strict or they weren't strict enough or they didn't let you do

00:28:32.240 the things that your friends were allowed to do or they did let you do the things that everyone

00:28:37.660 was allowed to do. Everything is toxic. Everything is a justification for cutting people off.

00:28:43.560 There was an author who has talked a lot about no contact, Lindsay C. Gibson, Adult Children of

00:28:51.820 Emotionally Immature Parents, Anidra Glover, Tawab's Set Boundaries, Find Peace, A Guide to

00:28:57.240 Reclaiming Yourself. So these are two New York Times bestsellers that have been really popular

00:29:02.480 and popularizing these ideas.

00:29:04.660 They went on Oprah and one of the authors

00:29:06.980 was kind of like called out on her own term, SOT7.

00:29:10.100 Well, how do you talk to them

00:29:12.180 about your emotionally immature parent

00:29:15.080 and how do you determine whether a parent

00:29:17.360 is emotionally immature?

00:29:18.940 Yeah, I really stay away from those terms

00:29:23.520 in psychotherapy because I'm not there.

00:29:26.400 But you wrote a whole book about it.

00:29:27.440 I did write the book, I did write the book.

00:29:30.060 When I'm coming in, I'm coming to the lady

00:29:32.020 i'm coming to the lady who wrote the book about emotionally immature parents okay absolutely

00:29:38.060 absolutely absolutely i did say that in my book but i also didn't oprah and i and i don't know 0.81

00:29:47.780 what to say that's funny i that's one thing i do like about oprah is that she has like a high

00:29:52.900 threshold for awkwardness and so she's not afraid to say like what are you talking about like didn't

00:29:58.580 she would just say this. And so it's interesting, like you see a lot of these people, especially

00:30:03.540 the authors. And we see, you know, I was actually just watching, my husband and I were watching

00:30:08.680 the Am I Racist documentary by Matt Walsh last night. And the same kind of thing,

00:30:14.940 Robin DiAngelo was doing the same kind of thing. Like she's very forthright on social media and

00:30:20.500 in her book about white fragility. But then when you get her in a room and you try to 0.86

00:30:24.460 like pin her on these things and make her say and do the things that she talked about like

00:30:28.680 they really walk it back and so all of these people robin d'angelo included totally different

00:30:33.640 subject but these new york times best-selling authors who have made so much money off of this

00:30:39.120 i don't even know if they really believe the things that they're saying but it's very lucrative

00:30:44.320 and it's damaging people's lives it's ruining people's relationships people are going to be

00:30:49.260 alone on their deathbed because they read these books and they thought it was justified to cut

00:30:54.080 off their parent because they said one thing that they deemed emotionally immature. That's very sad.

00:30:59.420 The American Psychological Association says that this is extremely prominent and something that

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00:32:18.460 so the american psychological association actually the statistics that we're going to talk about are

00:32:27.140 really just more about mental mental health and the so-called mental health crisis or those who

00:32:32.960 claim to have mental health problems seems to be going hand in hand with this rise in no contact

00:32:37.420 37 of gen z have received treatment for what they say are mental health problems 35 of millennials 0.76

00:32:43.440 26% of Gen X. I would have thought it was a lot more for Gen Z. Actually, as a reminder,

00:32:49.460 Gen Z born between 1997 and 2012. According to the APA, Gen Z is far more likely to report

00:32:56.720 mental health concerns than previous generations. Abigail Schreier was on the show and she highlighted

00:33:03.400 how therapy actually might be making the mental health problems of Gen Z and therefore this no

00:33:09.960 contact problem among Gen Z, a lot worse. And here's the problem with, in general,

00:33:15.960 sending a bummed out kid to therapy as opposed to grandma. You send a bummed out kid to therapy,

00:33:23.460 the therapist's incentive is to treat the least sick for the longest period of time.

00:33:28.380 They want that child coming back. And there's no oversight. There's no one saying, you know,

00:33:35.080 you're really undermining her, you know, respect for her mother. No one's even tracking it. Unlike

00:33:41.340 with medicine where they're tracking harms, therapists don't even track these. Yeah. Instead

00:33:48.040 of to grandma, that is the key term there because family at one point was used as vessels of comfort

00:33:58.580 and compassion and wisdom and tough love. That is the thing that we miss when we replace. I'm not

00:34:05.060 saying all biblical counseling is bad. I've talked about my journey with biblical counseling

00:34:09.060 that was very healthy and very helpful for me at the time, but it is not a replacement for

00:34:14.240 relationships. That person is getting paid to pretend to be your friend. That's not a real

00:34:20.460 relationship. You don't have a real friendship with your therapist, probably. Maybe you have

00:34:25.380 an outside-the-office friendship, but I'm not even sure that that's right. I'm not even sure

00:34:30.040 that that's ethical. That person is getting paid to like you and paid to talk with you. That is

00:34:36.760 not a real organic friendship that goes through difficulty, that goes through disagreement,

00:34:41.560 that goes through hardship. I just think that we no longer have a tolerance for these things

00:34:46.980 and it's really hurting us. It's contributing to this loneliness problem. Your therapist cannot

00:34:52.420 fix your loneliness. Your therapist cannot fix the disconnection that you have in the world,

00:34:58.140 this lack of orientation to understand who you are and why you're here, part of family's purpose

00:35:04.440 is to give us that. Good, bad, and ugly, we look at our parents, we look at our aunts and uncles,

00:35:09.960 and we can say, oh, I understand what formed me, what formed my childhood. I learned from that.

00:35:15.760 I don't want to be that way, or I do want to be like that, or that's something that I can admire.

00:35:20.560 That's something that I don't really want to emulate in my own life. I mean, family in that

00:35:26.700 way, even deeply imperfect families, they serve a purpose in giving us fulfillment and identity to

00:35:34.260 tell us who we are. And in general, except for some exceptions where real abuse and true toxicity

00:35:41.220 is happening, there is great, great benefit to, I think, weathering those relationships.

00:35:47.060 But here is the narcissistic view. Again, Sat 9, we've got someone saying, oh, going no contact.

00:35:53.500 it's compassionate to yourself cutting people off and going no contact leaving when there is harm

00:36:01.720 and disrespect present is so incredibly compassionate it truly is so corrective

00:36:09.680 and grounding for everybody involved because for you it deepens the trust that you have

00:36:16.740 in yourself it deepens the trust that you have in your ability to take care of yourself and to

00:36:24.200 save your own life there is no good beautiful delicious quality of life without self-trust

00:36:33.320 without a strong relationship with yourself and leaving when harm is present deepens that bond

00:36:41.600 okay I don't know what that means I don't know what that means there's so many words that have

00:36:47.040 been tiktokified that like therapy has become tiktokified and so words that used to have

00:36:53.120 a substantive objective meaning like harm like compassion like abuse that they've morphed

00:37:02.660 they've become so broad that they don't actually even mean anything and they're creating weak

00:37:08.460 people and weak relationships. There's this video that I always think of when I think of Charlie

00:37:14.780 Kirk that went around and when people call him, you know, divisive or mean or vitriolic or

00:37:22.020 whatever, I always think about this video. This is very important, everybody. Even if your parents

00:37:26.700 share values and views and a worldview that you do not have, you are biblically obligated to honor

00:37:32.560 them, which means to spend time with them and to love on them and to go visit them, even if they 0.97

00:37:38.380 are wearing a black lives matter and in this home that we have no hate and trans lives you still go

00:37:44.040 and spend time with your parents because if you are incapable in this case of honoring your earthly

00:37:49.940 father you will never honor your heavenly father gosh that is such a good reminder and i have

00:37:56.300 gotten messages from you guys over the months saying that that video changed your perspective

00:38:01.820 It is our commandment as children to honor our parents.

00:38:06.600 It is not our parents' commandment to honor us.

00:38:09.720 There are commands for parents.

00:38:11.340 Like if we look at Ephesians 5, there are dynamics there at play.

00:38:16.320 Like God through Paul says, hey, fathers, don't provoke your children to anger, but

00:38:20.780 also emphasizes children, honor your father and mother.

00:38:24.500 This is the first commandment with a promise that it may go well with you and that you

00:38:29.400 live long in the land.

00:38:30.620 Exodus 20, 12 is what is being emphasized there. Honor your father and mother. This command to

00:38:38.540 honor our parents is tied to a promise that we live a long life and that our life goes well.

00:38:45.040 Now, obviously there are people who are obedient to their parents. So I wouldn't even, I would

00:38:49.760 call it a principle too, that there are people who are obedient to their parents that don't

00:38:56.340 live a long time. But I believe that this is a principle that is being spoken to, just like we

00:39:02.180 see in Proverbs, that this leads to abundance. This leads to longevity. This is good for you.

00:39:09.180 This leads to your provision and your protection. So how do we honor our parents as adults,

00:39:16.120 especially parents that you might disagree with? I am so thankful that my husband and I share

00:39:21.460 values with my parents, that we share values with his parents. I have a ton of sympathy and

00:39:26.360 compassion for those of you who don't have that situation. That you have parents who really are

00:39:30.820 diametrically opposed to you, that you have in-laws that are diametrically opposed to you

00:39:34.900 and opposed to your kids. I am not trying to negate the complexity of something like that.

00:39:41.640 But we are called to honor our parents. Part of honoring our parents is remaining open to their

00:39:49.180 wisdom and to their advice, being respectful to them, being kind to them, serving them even when

00:39:56.920 it's difficult. Proverbs has a lot to say on this subject. Proverbs 1.8, we're instructed,

00:40:02.540 hear my son your father's instruction and forsake not your mother's teaching. Proverbs 23.22 reminds

00:40:09.080 us, listen to your father who gave you life and do not despise your mother when she is old. And

00:40:15.440 there's nothing there that says, as long as they're still nice to you, as long as they agree

00:40:20.660 with you, as long as they're not emotionally immature, as long as they don't do anything to

00:40:25.700 you that makes you angry, as long as they don't send short texts to you, as long as you can't

00:40:30.140 think back in your life to any time that they didn't treat you fairly. Look, our parents,

00:40:35.180 just like every single human on earth, they're fallible. Like they've sinned in their life.

00:40:40.720 okay like they have their own stuff that they grew up with they probably had a harder upbringing than

00:40:46.780 you did in a lot of cases okay we're just talking generally and eventually as adults again i'm

00:40:53.020 talking about not you know true abuse and continued abuse but as adults like eventually we have to

00:41:00.540 stop blaming our problems on our parents eventually you have to grow up and that is also i think one

00:41:06.220 detriment to people purposely putting off having kids as long as possible because you having kids

00:41:13.480 really gives you new eyes and a new understanding for your parents because you see like all of the

00:41:19.640 sacrifice and all of the love and all of the failures and foibles that you commit as a parent

00:41:26.740 like you have a lot of grace for your own parents and how they did things and I I would guess that

00:41:32.920 a lot of these people that we see in these TikToks, they probably don't have kids themselves 0.76

00:41:37.480 and they also probably preach a lot about empathy, I would guess, but they have an utter inability

00:41:43.000 to put themselves in their parents' shoes. And we can't expect non-Christians to understand 1.00

00:41:49.920 this concept of grace and to understand this concept of sacrifice for the sake of cohesion

00:41:55.600 and honoring your family, but Christians should do everything that we can, everything that we can.

00:42:02.920 in a safe way, like truly actually safe to maintain that relationship with our parents

00:42:09.000 and to continue to honor them. Even if your parent is a wild liberal and always wants to

00:42:14.100 talk to you about how much they hate Donald Trump and how they think abortion is great,

00:42:17.400 it is still your responsibility to honor your father and mother. I still don't think that

00:42:22.000 that means that you go no contact with them. Maybe it means that you don't allow them around

00:42:26.060 your kids every single day and there are some boundaries there. I don't think that you cut

00:42:29.940 them off. I don't think that you say no relationship with them. I think it's your responsibility to

00:42:34.860 share the gospel with them and to show them respect as much as you can and showing them

00:42:39.100 the dignity that sometimes it might feel they don't deserve. I don't think that you understand

00:42:43.840 what kind of seed that could be planting in their heart. We honor our parents by caring for them as

00:42:50.660 they grow older, just as they once cared for us when we could not care for ourselves, and even if

00:42:56.180 they didn't. Even if they didn't, because I know some of you out there, maybe you were abandoned

00:43:00.900 by your parents. And it takes a lot of the power of God to say, even if you didn't treat me well,

00:43:08.380 I am going to treat you well. That's what Christians are called to. That is the radical

00:43:12.800 kind of love that the world who says they know what love is, does not understand. That even if

00:43:18.340 you did nothing for me, even if you hurt me deeply, I am still going to serve you when you

00:43:23.720 are weak and you can't help yourself. That is Christian love. Because while we were yet sinners,

00:43:29.500 Christ died for us. While we were God's enemies, he sought to reconcile with us. Even when we sinned

00:43:35.340 against him, he who knew no sin became sin so we could become the righteousness of God.

00:43:40.600 Even when we were spitting on him and mocking Jesus, even when our sin placed him on the cross,

00:43:46.640 he said, Father, forgive them for they know not what they do. That's the craziness that Jesus

00:43:53.580 brought forth. He said, you've heard it said, eye for an eye, tooth for a tooth. I say to you,

00:43:59.120 turn the other cheek. Like you've heard it said, I'm paraphrasing here, like get revenge on your

00:44:05.200 enemies. I say to you, love your enemies and pray for them. Like that is what Christians are called

00:44:10.620 to do. I would say not only including for our parents, but especially for our parents. Okay,

00:44:16.840 we've got more on this in just a second. Let me tell you about alliance defending freedom. So

00:44:21.600 America is celebrating 250 years of freedom this year. Our friends at ADF are asking you to take

00:44:27.040 this opportunity to pray for America. You know, they're not even asking in this sponsorship for

00:44:32.700 you to go and donate. I want to ask you to do that though, because I love ADF so much. I want

00:44:39.000 them to keep doing what they are doing internationally forever. We need smart

00:44:43.020 attorneys to be standing up for our religious liberty, for our freedom of speech, for a right 0.96

00:44:47.760 as women and girls to have access to our own sex-exclusive spaces, and that is what they

00:44:53.040 are on the front lines fighting for all the way up to the Supreme Court, all the way up to the

00:44:57.060 European highest courts every single day. So they need our support. But what they are asking me to

00:45:02.920 ask you for is prayer. They want you to pray for our country. They want you to pray for the fights

00:45:07.460 that they're in, protecting Christians, fighting for Christians every day. And so they just want

00:45:12.080 you to have a commitment to pray for America and God's protection over us. So go to joinadf.com

00:45:19.120 slash Allie, sign up to pray with them, or you can text pray250 to 83848, 83848, pray250,

00:45:27.680 or joinadf.com slash Allie. Romans 12 tells us, if possible, so far as it depends on you,

00:45:40.060 live peaceably with all. Jesus says this, and gosh, this is so radical. It's radical,

00:45:46.600 then it's radical today. It's radical in my own heart. I think it's radical for the world,

00:45:51.260 certainly. Matthew 18, 21 through 22, Lord, how often will my brother sin against me and I forgive

00:45:56.620 him? As many as seven times? Like that's as much as that person could think. Seven? Like surely

00:46:01.240 you're not going to say seven. And Jesus is like, I do not say to you seven times, but 77 times.

00:46:07.800 And I don't think that's an exact number. I think that he is making a statement. I think that he's

00:46:14.060 making a point there. Like however many times you think is too many times to forgive someone,

00:46:18.740 you have to forgive them more than that. That's what I'm calling you to do. Now forgiveness and

00:46:23.940 allowing a person who is truly dangerous to you and your family, either by maybe you have someone

00:46:30.740 who is constantly trying to tell your kids that God doesn't exist. Certainly if you have someone

00:46:35.380 who is like endangering you or your family physically.

00:46:38.260 Like you don't have to be around that person.

00:46:40.540 You don't have to bring that person into your life.

00:46:43.260 But again, if they are a parent,

00:46:45.960 I think if they are a sibling,

00:46:49.220 then there is a way to honor them.

00:46:51.200 If it's truly, truly dangerous,

00:46:53.240 then I think that you pray for them.

00:46:54.800 You love them.

00:46:56.000 You open your heart to the possibility

00:46:58.100 that they could repent and change.

00:47:00.200 But if it is possible for you to continue

00:47:02.740 to have a relationship with them

00:47:04.080 where you're talking to them,

00:47:05.180 then I think that as far as it depends on us, we have to try to seek peace and reconciliation with

00:47:12.320 them as hard as that might be. Proverbs 18.1 emphasizes the importance of us having these

00:47:17.880 relationships. Whoever isolates himself, seeks his own desire. He breaks out against all sound

00:47:24.060 judgment. Wow. That is so important. Those of us, those people who truly are cutting off,

00:47:29.720 especially the wisdom of parents out of just disagreement or just personal fulfillment,

00:47:34.240 He is isolating himself because he is seeking his own desire.

00:47:39.540 He is pushing back against all sound judgment.

00:47:44.540 Now, there is this concept of chosen family that I think a lot of people want to say is biblical.

00:47:52.100 This idea that, well, you don't have to be family with your parents.

00:47:58.380 You don't have to be family with your siblings, that this doesn't really matter.

00:48:01.920 what matters is the people that you choose to surround you. And there, of course, is value

00:48:09.500 and friendship. I believe, again, C.S. Lewis talked a lot about his friendship with Tolkien,

00:48:15.180 for example, and how when Tolkien died, he actually lost more of his other friends. You

00:48:23.380 would think that you would gain more time and more of, say, you have a group of three friends

00:48:29.140 and one of them goes away,

00:48:30.480 you think that you have more time

00:48:31.620 with the friends who are remaining,

00:48:33.000 but actually that person brought out something

00:48:35.280 so special in you and special in other people

00:48:37.480 that when you lose a friend,

00:48:38.960 you lose something in every single person

00:48:41.140 that that person has ever interacted with and touched.

00:48:44.040 And so C.S. Lewis talks a lot

00:48:45.220 about the importance of friendships,

00:48:46.480 but he also talks about in The Four Loves,

00:48:49.820 he talks about the different kinds of affection

00:48:51.720 that serve different purposes

00:48:53.600 and the importance specifically

00:48:55.560 of those familial relationships.

00:48:57.640 So he talks about storge, that is the affectionate kind of love in Greek.

00:49:03.380 As a love for someone out of fondness or familiarity, especially of parents to offspring, but also of offspring to parents, affection pays little attention to the qualities seemed valuable in most relationships and is therefore one of the most transcendent and selfless forms of love of this familial love.

00:49:18.940 C.S. Lewis writes, it is this kind of love, the love that you have with your family that is not the same as friends.

00:49:24.680 He says, it is not discriminating. It can rub along with the most unpromising people. Yet, oddly enough, this very fact means that it can, in the end, make appreciations possible, which, but for it, might have never existed.

00:49:39.140 We may say, and not quite untruly, that we have chosen our friends and the woman we love for their various excellences, for beauty, frankness, goodness of heart, wit, intelligence, or whatnot.

00:49:49.800 The special glory of affection is that it can unite those who most emphatically, even comically, are not.

00:49:57.520 People who, if they had not found themselves put down by fate in the same household or the same community, would have had nothing to do with each other.

00:50:07.800 This modern tendency that we have, this social media, social contagion to replace our biological

00:50:14.380 family with a chosen family or just ourselves, it totally misunderstands and takes for granted

00:50:21.320 the important nature of familial relationships.

00:50:25.980 This nature of those in our family is that we don't choose them.

00:50:30.260 And there is something sanctifying about that.

00:50:32.740 It is easy to love people who are just like you, who affirm everything that you believe,

00:50:38.260 who are easy to love.

00:50:39.520 It is much harder to love the people whom God has providentially placed in your life

00:50:44.040 who don't have your same personality, who you just don't get sometimes, but out of

00:50:50.540 loyalty to them and gratitude to God for placing them in your life, you choose to love them

00:50:57.300 and you choose to foster that relationship.

00:51:01.180 So much of this, I think, is just about us taking the easy way out.

00:51:04.840 C.S. Lewis also talks about in The Four Loves, this growing in affection for people that

00:51:09.140 we might not choose to be around actually expands our ability to love all people.

00:51:13.980 And again, I think it's so interesting that the empathy crowd, the hyper empathy crowd

00:51:18.040 doesn't seem to get this.

00:51:19.700 No empathy for the people in their family who have a different perspective.

00:51:23.940 That's the problem, actually, with emphasizing empathy, putting yourself in someone else's

00:51:28.400 shoes feeling how they feel. It's not always bad. It's not always bad, but it's actually very myopic

00:51:34.460 because if you can't put yourself in someone's shoes and you don't understand their perspective

00:51:38.900 at all, then you end up not loving them. What we are called to as Christians, what C.S. Lewis is

00:51:44.080 talking about here is actually something much harder and much deeper and much more powerful.

00:51:48.000 It's saying even if you can't get them, even if you can't feel what they feel and you don't know

00:51:52.420 their pain, you can't see what they see, you're called to love them. You're called to feel a

00:51:56.820 godly affection for them, even when it is difficult. That is what builds character.

00:52:01.560 That's what makes you a better person. So my message there is, and I think C.S. Lewis's message,

00:52:07.720 love your family. Love the people that God has given you that maybe you would not have chosen.

00:52:12.280 Love is much more powerful than your ability to feel what someone else feels. It's much more

00:52:16.600 powerful than community that is based on a shared interest. And I actually think that these online

00:52:22.840 forums like reddit like discord becoming a replacement for community for friendship yes

00:52:28.700 but especially familial relationship um and people uh young people and in teens i think that's a huge

00:52:37.440 part of this i think it is so incredibly toxic i think satan loves that look satan hates the family

00:52:43.580 He hates marriage. He hates that God made man and wife and said that they were very good.

00:52:53.420 He hates that people are made in God's image. He hates that marriage is protective of women

00:52:59.080 and protective of children. That relationship between a godly and providing and protecting

00:53:07.860 husband and a loving, nurturing wife and an obedient, loving child. I mean, that is the

00:53:16.880 strongest force. That is the strongest earthly force that we have. And of course, Jesus himself

00:53:23.720 was born out of that. And so there is no question why Satan hates marriage and hates the family

00:53:31.160 and hates those relationships. And of course, he hates love. He hates real sacrifice because

00:53:36.940 that's what Jesus himself embodied. Satan loves narcissism. He loves convenient relationships.

00:53:44.580 Anything that is good and excellent and worth doing, Satan hates. He wants you to be isolated.

00:53:49.760 We just read why in Proverbs, because it's easier to be tempted and to do stupid stuff when you're 0.99

00:53:54.940 by yourself. This video is of a YouTuber where he talks about going no contact with his mom 0.97

00:54:02.200 for it seems for emotional reasons but then he reconnected to her and just listen closely to why

00:54:08.880 he says he reconnected to his mom sat 12 i cut contact with my family and it was one of the

00:54:13.700 toughest decisions i ever had to make about a year and a half later i decided to reach out to my mom

00:54:17.860 and we reconnected even though things aren't perfect and our relationship could be rocky at

00:54:21.700 times i'm glad we did honestly i don't feel like our relationship would be as good as it is today

00:54:25.720 without the time apart think my time alone and finally taking care of myself for the first time

00:54:29.840 really helped me to start becoming the best version that I am today.

00:54:34.340 Okay. So obviously I don't agree with all of that. I think that the selfishness is still there. Oh,

00:54:40.160 I went a year and a half without talking to her. I became myself. I discovered who I was.

00:54:46.480 I think that's a coping mechanism because it's really hard for us to realize I lost a year and

00:54:51.100 a half of life with this person. You're a year and a half closer to death. Your parent is a year

00:54:56.980 and a half closer to death and so that's difficult but the reconciliation there i'm thankful for that

00:55:02.520 and i'm thankful for the realization that that is needed look like we have a desire for a need for

00:55:09.280 our parents they are our source of life and you can talk to people who were given up for adoption

00:55:15.420 i know they're very thankful for that redemption in their life but people who don't know their

00:55:20.160 biological parents people who were abandoned by their parents and they can tell you that they

00:55:26.080 would have settled for imperfect parents as long as they knew where they came from as long as they

00:55:33.660 were able to have a relationship with them like that mother father hurt that so many people have

00:55:39.140 the fact that so many are narcissistically choosing to bear that wound like it's a problem

00:55:46.320 it's a sickness in our culture and so I just encourage you like if you have this distance

00:55:51.200 from your parents to reach out, if at all possible, and to rekindle and reconcile that

00:55:57.740 relationship and put it on yourself. Maybe for a while you have to say, you know what,

00:56:02.520 your parent is not going to be the mature parent that you want them to be. And maybe just say,

00:56:07.280 you know what, God has given me the power as a Christian to withstand that. God has given me a

00:56:12.600 spirit of power and self-control. God has given me the ability to love. The love of Christ compels

00:56:18.000 us, not our feelings, not our past, not our therapy. The love of Christ compels us to love

00:56:23.820 other people. Is it possible for you to take this first step to forgiveness and reconciliation?

00:56:28.500 It's difficult. It's really difficult, I know, but I do think that that's what Christ calls us to.

00:56:34.020 All right. I have time, I think, for just one voicemail. I was going to do a couple voicemails.

00:56:40.520 I just don't think we have time for it, but we have a new segment, and I want to do it as often

00:56:44.680 as I can. And that is taking voicemails from you guys and giving you a little advice based on the

00:56:51.220 thing that you asked me. And so you guys sent awesome messages. I wish I could play all of

00:56:57.300 them and maybe we will play more of them and have an episode dedicated to that at some point.

00:57:02.380 But if you have a question, if you want advice, especially life advice, but if you've got a

00:57:06.800 topical question too, feel free to call us, leave us a message. It's 844-755-5252. And so I will get

00:57:15.580 to that piece of advice in just a second. Let me tell you about our last sponsor for the day. First,

00:57:19.720 that is Fellowship Home Loans. Home improvement season is here. If you've been putting off that

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00:58:09.360 Home Loans, Equal Housing Lender, NMLS number 81932. Okay, let's listen to voicemail one.

00:58:21.800 hi Allie I am calling because I am 30 and I have a lot of friends in my age range we're all girls

00:58:33.300 and we are not married we want to be married I feel like it's hard to find a good guy when we're

00:58:39.600 30 um or above so what life advice do you have for us um the 30 somethings who are conservative

00:58:47.700 we're Christian and we just haven't found the person. Thanks so much. Bye.

00:58:53.500 Okay. This is a great question. I'm so glad you asked. I also have friends in this same boat,

00:58:59.400 lots of beautiful, accomplished, godly Christian women who want to get married and just have not 0.99

00:59:06.840 found that person yet. And I just wish that I had a formula for you that was going to change 0.83

00:59:12.760 it for you tomorrow. Here are three things that I would say. Number one, a lot can happen in a year.

00:59:20.180 I would just say that. I say that all the time, and I have seen it happen over and over again.

00:59:26.020 And so don't look at your circumstance today and assume that's how it's going to be in six months

00:59:32.220 from now, in a year, two years from now, at this point in your life, if you find the right person,

00:59:37.140 the right godly person, and there is a conviction that, hey, we're supposed to be together,

00:59:42.760 and we are going to get married, things can happen very quickly. You just never know.

00:59:48.380 Number two, go where the men are. It's a go where the men are. Are you currently going places where

00:59:54.820 men are? I'm not saying to pursue men. I'm not saying to reach out to men. I am not saying to

00:59:59.420 ask guys out. That is not what I'm going to recommend you do. But are you working out at a

01:00:04.920 place? Are you going to get coffee at a place? Are you working remotely at a place? Are you going to

01:00:09.480 church at a place where there are single men in your age group. Yes, it is possible for God to do

01:00:15.800 absolutely anything. And I guess you could be sitting on your couch all day and God could bring

01:00:20.440 you your future husband, but he uses particular human means to bring people together. And it

01:00:27.540 seems to me that if you look at the statistics of how people used to meet and used to get married

01:00:32.320 through friends, through family members at school, that God uses community and God uses people being

01:00:40.040 together physically, usually, in order to bring husbands and wives together. So I would say,

01:00:46.720 go where the godly men are. He's probably not at your bar class. And then number three,

01:00:55.280 here's what I would say. Of course, in addition to praying, praying is the ordained means by which

01:01:01.840 God uses to accomplish so many of his purposes. He doesn't need our requests, but he commands us

01:01:06.820 to pray. And so somehow he divinely orchestrates things to happen through the power of our prayers.

01:01:12.240 The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working. That is James 5. Of course,

01:01:18.180 you can be honest with the mentors in your life. If you don't have older mentors in your life,

01:01:22.200 you should have older mentors in your life, not just parents, but people within your church

01:01:26.060 who are counseling you, who are mentoring you, who are discipling you. Tell them your desire

01:01:31.080 to get married. Say, I really want to find a husband. If you know of any godly men,

01:01:35.720 like, would you mind keeping me in mind and introducing me to them? But this is the last

01:01:40.240 thing that I would say. There is a lie of the devil that sounds really true, as most lies of

01:01:44.980 the devil do, that your life doesn't really start until you get married. You can't really be a

01:01:51.280 biblical woman until you get married, until you have kids. That is not true. That is going to be

01:01:56.580 a lie that makes you procrastinate being bold in your faith. Because you think, well, if I am

01:02:03.920 in marketing or I'm an employee or I'm a teacher and I'm single, then I don't have the fullness of

01:02:10.500 being a woman, of being a Christian woman. And that is not true. Psalm 16 reminds us where the

01:02:15.580 fullness of our joy and purpose comes from, and that is in the presence of Christ. The fullness

01:02:20.680 of joy is at God's right hand. And if you are a Christian, you have bold access in confidence

01:02:26.740 to God, to the throne of God. So that means you have the fullness of purpose and the fullness

01:02:31.940 of joy right now in this second. You can fully live out your life as a Christian woman with the

01:02:39.060 fullness of a Christian woman identity right now, no matter what stage of life that you're in,

01:02:44.560 even if you never get married, even if you never have kids, even if you never get all of the things

01:02:49.360 that you so desperately want. The truth is, and this is difficult, and you might think, well,

01:02:54.020 it's easy for you to say that because you are married and you have kids. It's not easy for me

01:02:58.200 to say because there are lots of things that all of us desire in life that we have to come to terms

01:03:03.580 with the fact that we are not promised. It doesn't make it easy, but don't believe any health and

01:03:09.100 wealth message that says if you just believe it, if you just want it, if you just pray for it,

01:03:12.440 you're going to get it. We live in a fallen world. We will die with disappointments. We will die with

01:03:17.900 unmet expectations. We will die with unfulfilled dreams and desires. I hope that is the case,

01:03:23.560 that every single person who desires to be married will be married one day. I pray and hope that. I

01:03:29.660 pray and hope that you'll have kids. We're not promised that. We are promised heaven as Christians.

01:03:36.080 We are promised to one day have no more want and to have no lack. Psalm 23 tells us that we have

01:03:42.780 no lack if we're being led by God. That means even in your singleness, even in infertility,

01:03:47.500 we have no lack because of Christ. Much easier said than believed, but God told us these things

01:03:54.380 that we may believe them. So that's what I would say, some practical things, some spiritual things,

01:03:58.980 and then just like some difficult truth that I think that we all need to hear, no matter what

01:04:04.060 stage of waiting or expectation or disappointment that you're in. So I hope that helped. And thank

01:04:10.560 you so much for sending in that voicemail. And thank you for all of you who did, and we'll get

01:04:14.600 to more of them in the coming weeks. You guys are so awesome and always have really thoughtful

01:04:18.040 questions. All right, that's all we got time for today. We'll be back here on Wednesday.

Relatable with Allie Beth Stuckey - May 11, 2026

Ep 1345 ｜ Going 'No Contact' with Parents： Is It Biblical？

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