Relatable with Allie Beth Stuckey - Ep 152

00:00:00.380 Hey guys, welcome to Relatable. I'm here. I am back from maternity leave and I am so

00:00:06.120 excited to be here. In case you didn't know, I had a baby on July 5th and so for the past

00:00:11.740 eight weeks you guys have gotten episodes that I recorded back in May that were more

00:00:16.520 evergreen. Got a lot of great feedback on that. A lot of you took time to send me emails,

00:00:21.540 sending me your thoughts and even constructive criticism or different sides of the argument.

00:00:26.260 I've really enjoyed that. If I haven't emailed you back, I'm sorry. I haven't had quite the time

00:00:30.940 to do that and I want to give the thought to my responses that you guys gave in your emails,

00:00:34.820 but I so appreciate that. I am going to talk to you today about the things that I've learned during

00:00:41.620 these first six weeks of motherhood. So I took two weeks off before she was born, six weeks off after

00:00:47.900 she was born. First two weeks were spent with my husband just kind of enjoying the last few days

00:00:54.160 of it being just us two and our animals. So we basically just ate whatever we wanted, whenever

00:00:59.520 we wanted, watched Netflix all the time, slept. It was great. And then for the past six weeks,

00:01:05.520 we've just enjoyed being parents. And when I say enjoy, I really mean we've enjoyed it.

00:01:10.640 When I say that, I get a lot of reactions like, okay, you say that you're enjoying it,

00:01:15.180 but are you really enjoying it? That newborn stage, it's hard. And yes, it is hard. Like we are tired.

00:01:20.860 We were especially tired in the beginning and we had a huge adjustment, but I am loving being a mom.

00:01:30.540 Like I love it so much. I love her more than I can even tell you guys, seriously. But I'm going to

00:01:38.860 try during this episode. We're going to talk about parenting a little bit, but we're really going to

00:01:46.280 talk about kind of the spiritual lessons that I learned during this time. This is Theology Monday,

00:01:51.580 which means that this is going to be a message that is relevant to you no matter who you are.

00:01:56.680 So whether you are a man or a woman, whether you are a new mom like me, maybe you're pregnant,

00:02:01.620 maybe you have been a mom for a long time, maybe you're a grandmother, maybe you're a high school

00:02:05.700 student and you're not thinking about this at all. This is still something that is going to be

00:02:09.340 relevant to you because we're going to tie it back into the Word of God. We're going to tie it back

00:02:13.100 into the gospel, which of course is something that is significant to all Christians,

00:02:17.520 no matter what life stage that we're in. Now, you know that I've been wanting to talk about this

00:02:22.180 whole deconversion trend that's been happening, the Hillsong, the Hillsong worship leader, and then

00:02:29.060 also Joshua Harris. And we're going to talk about that. There's so much that I want to say with that

00:02:34.760 though, and it's a little bit complex that I'm going to save that for next week. This one,

00:02:38.880 I just kind of wanted to catch up while also still making this worth your while. It's not just going

00:02:45.100 to be this superficial recap of everything that's happened to me over the past six weeks. Although

00:02:50.060 I do feel like I've been away from a group of really good friends for a long time and we have

00:02:57.180 kind of caught up a little bit like via text or something. That's what it feels like, but that we

00:03:03.140 still have so much to talk about. So that is part of what this episode is. So like I said, I gave birth

00:03:10.820 on July 5th to a perfect little beautiful seven pound, 10 ounce baby girl. And what I have learned

00:03:22.900 since then, and really before that is something that we've always known and something that, like I said,

00:03:27.960 is relevant to all of us. And that is that God is good, that his creation is amazing and his designated

00:03:35.600 order for human beings and for birth and for families is purposeful. It's perfect. And it also teaches

00:03:42.840 us something about the gospel that maybe we didn't know before. Um, I've never experienced that or really

00:03:49.820 understood that more clearly than through the process of having a child. And I'm not saying at all

00:03:55.840 that it's the only way to understand these things, but for me, God's hand in creation and the loving

00:04:01.780 care that he took in forming life was made abundantly obvious through becoming a mom. Uh, the first thing

00:04:08.380 that I learned in all of this is surrender. Now, this is a word I don't like. This is something that

00:04:14.100 I'm not good at. The word surrender and the word submit were the two words that when I became a

00:04:19.140 Christian, I really wrestled with the most. And I'll be honest, I still wrestle with them a lot.

00:04:23.840 I wouldn't go so far as to say that I'm someone who actually has an anxiety disorder, but I am

00:04:28.580 generally an anxious person. I just like things to be under my control. Even if I'm unsure that my

00:04:34.800 control of a certain situation would actually produce a better outcome, I still feel safer if I am the one

00:04:41.320 driving the ship. Uh, yet all of you who have been pregnant know how very little control you actually

00:04:49.840 have not just when you're pregnant, but through labor and delivery and even parenthood and all of that. Uh, I remember

00:04:56.020 when I first found out that I was pregnant, first of all, I was shocked. Now, when you hear someone say that

00:05:02.780 they were shocked that they, that they were pregnant, I know what you're thinking. You're like, but were you

00:05:09.660 really that shocked? I mean, you know how babies are made and you probably assumed that that was going on. So were you

00:05:15.040 really that surprised? But those of you who have seen that positive read on the pregnancy test know

00:05:20.120 what I'm talking about. So my husband and I, we had been trying for a few months, maybe like three

00:05:25.120 months. And at this point we had decided, you know what, whatever happens happens. I'm not going to

00:05:28.840 worry with all of these apps, these tracking apps and all of this. We're not going to be as stressed

00:05:33.960 and concerned about it as we were before. We're just kind of going to happen. We're just going to

00:05:38.040 kind of let this happen. And we entered this stage. Some of you are probably familiar into the

00:05:43.460 not, not trying stage. Now, before we were in this stage, I would hear people say that and I would

00:05:49.280 just roll my eyes. What does not, not trying mean? I mean, again, you know how babies are made.

00:05:54.280 You're doing that. So how can you not, not be trying? Either you're trying or you're not trying,

00:05:58.820 but I don't know how to explain it. Except if you have been there, you know exactly what I'm talking

00:06:03.300 about. So we were not, not trying. And as soon as we kind of let go of it all, as soon as we

00:06:07.760 kind of said, okay, we're not going to overstress about this. We're not going to be overanxious

00:06:10.880 about it, overthink it, whatever. That is when I became pregnant. And so read the positive

00:06:16.520 read on the pregnancy test. You take like six pregnancy tests because you just want to

00:06:20.960 make sure. And I was like, oh my gosh, of course I was so excited. I was so happy. Like

00:06:27.720 I said, I just couldn't believe it. But you also get this feeling. If you've ever been on a

00:06:33.320 roller coaster, you know what I'm talking about. You sit down and the whole time you were

00:06:37.400 standing in line. You were like, okay, I'm sure that I want to do this. This is going

00:06:42.040 to be so fun. This is going to be awesome. All my friends have done it. You sit down and

00:06:46.700 then they put the little fastener, like, you know, the fastener comes down over your head

00:06:50.820 and it starts going. And that's when you're like, oh my gosh, I can't get off this ride.

00:06:56.260 This is the point of no return. I don't really know what's ahead. I don't know how scary this

00:07:00.440 is going to be. What if I die? I have no idea if I can handle this and I cannot get

00:07:05.360 off. You also have a bit of that feeling when you get pregnant. It's not that you're

00:07:10.220 not happy because I was so happy. It's not that you're not excited. I was so excited.

00:07:15.560 But you're just scared. You don't know what's to come and you realize that your life has

00:07:21.040 just changed forever. Like not just the next 10 months. Like you're not just going to be

00:07:25.580 pregnant. You're going to be giving birth to a human being. And your life doesn't just

00:07:29.840 change when they're an infant or when they're a baby or a toddler or a kid. Your life doesn't

00:07:34.220 even just change for the next 18 years. Your life is changed forever. Never will it be

00:07:39.900 just about you or just about you and your husband. And you just ask all of these questions.

00:07:44.960 Like, can I handle it? I mean, you start thinking about more imminent possibilities first. Like

00:07:50.500 you think about, OK, well, what if I have a miscarriage? And oh, my gosh, I took a really

00:07:53.940 hot bath last week. What if I melted the baby and she's going to have some kind of birth

00:07:57.620 defect? What if I'm sick for the next nine months and I can't do my job? What about birth?

00:08:02.020 What if something happens to one of us? Can I give birth? Am I capable of that? And oh,

00:08:06.740 my gosh, I hate hospitals. What if I have a mean nurse? What if they don't know what they're

00:08:10.120 doing? So you start asking what sounds like now kind of silly questions. But at that time,

00:08:15.520 they keep you up at night. But in that moment and in the many, many moments after that, all

00:08:21.800 I could do, all you can do, literally all you can do is take a deep breath and understand

00:08:29.620 that God has preordained every single second of this pregnancy, every second of labor,

00:08:36.940 every second of delivery, and absolutely nothing is going to happen that is outside of his will.

00:08:44.100 Psalm 139 says that every single day of our lives is written before any of them came to be.

00:08:49.100 So I had to trust that that included the next nine to 10 months of our lives. And I knew

00:08:56.460 in that moment when I kind of just had to take a deep breath and surrender that thing that I don't

00:09:02.360 like to do, I knew that that didn't mean that nothing bad was going to happen. I knew that there

00:09:08.620 very well could be complications, but I had to remind myself that even potential difficulties would

00:09:15.660 be used for his glory and my good. And I would have to be content with that because Romans 8 28 promises

00:09:20.840 that all things work together for the good of those who love him. Good doesn't mean easy. We

00:09:26.680 know that as Christians, good doesn't mean neat or organized or expected. Good doesn't mean our

00:09:31.160 version of good, but God's version of good. And we can trust that because he is faithful and because

00:09:35.860 he loves us that whatever his version of good is, is truly good. I'm also a bit of a hypochondriac.

00:09:43.100 So it took effort for me through my pregnancy, not to freak out at every little thing. So that meant

00:09:49.400 surrender. Surrender is something I had to do in big things and in small things. And God did

00:09:55.060 graciously choose to give me a healthy pregnancy. I'm so thankful for that. I didn't want to do

00:10:00.520 anything throughout my pregnancy. I didn't work out and I sat on my couch and ate Chick-fil-A. But

00:10:05.640 other than that, it was a healthy pregnancy. It was uneventful, which is exactly what you want

00:10:09.440 in a pregnancy. And by the end of the pregnancy, I thought, okay, I've kind of learned this lesson.

00:10:15.200 I've learned this lesson in surrender because every week for me was a lesson in surrender.

00:10:20.900 But I'm like, okay, I'm at the end of this. I'm almost done being pregnant. I don't have to be

00:10:25.000 anxious anymore. I can see her. I can hold her. I can know for sure that she's okay. I mean,

00:10:29.620 once they start moving, you kind of start being paranoid about how much they're moving towards the

00:10:34.600 end of the pregnancy. And you're like, oh my gosh, she hasn't moved in an hour. Is she okay? You drink

00:10:39.400 the orange juice. You lay on your side. You're like, okay, okay. I just felt her kick. She's fine. So you

00:10:43.520 constantly are having these kind of paranoid thoughts. I mean, not constantly. I don't want

00:10:47.920 it to sound like I was miserable because I really wasn't. But you are thinking a lot about if she's

00:10:54.280 okay because you just can't see her. And so you feel like, okay, when she's born, I won't worry as

00:10:59.660 much because I can actually know for sure that she's okay or she's not. Again, this was me hoping for

00:11:07.140 and confiding in my own control. I felt like, okay, I won't have to surrender as much once she's here.

00:11:12.700 And we can all get a big laugh out of that. Any of you who have had newborns know how absolutely

00:11:18.500 crazy that was to think. But I didn't know that yet. But I did know then that there was a big hurdle

00:11:25.020 that I had to get over first. And that was birth. And I was very scared about birth. I was really,

00:11:33.680 really nervous. Like I said, don't really love hospitals. I guess not, not very many people do.

00:11:39.180 Um, I was just positive that something bad was going to happen to one of us. I had heard horror

00:11:44.100 stories. So I just prayed and prayed every day that she would be okay, that I would be okay,

00:11:49.240 that everything would go well. Because even though I knew that God was in control, even though I knew

00:11:53.840 he was teaching me this lesson in surrender, I also knew that I was still commanded to pray. And

00:11:58.780 even trusting him, I was still commanded to pray and to lay my anxieties beforehand. That's what

00:12:04.660 Philippians 4-6 says, that we shouldn't be anxious about anything, but that with Thanksgiving, we're

00:12:09.640 supposed to present our request to God. And we are promised that when we do that, the peace of God

00:12:15.160 that transcends all understanding, I love that phrase, will guard our hearts and our minds in

00:12:20.320 Christ Jesus. I love the phrase, transcends all understanding or surpasses all comprehension.

00:12:25.540 Because if you're anything like me, I even tried to comprehend the peace that God gives.

00:12:29.640 I try to rationalize it and break it down and even control it in some way. But it can't be. It can't

00:12:35.400 be comprehended. It's something that fills you up that you cannot try to rationalize or make sense of

00:12:42.800 even if you want to. So that's what I did. I lay the same request before God every day, the same

00:12:48.100 unsophisticated request that, okay, I just said, God, I'm anxious about birth. I don't know what to

00:12:52.980 expect. Just be with us. Just give us peace, protect her. I pray everything would go okay. Help me to

00:12:59.040 trust you. I felt totally helpless and totally vulnerable in those days leading up. And I just

00:13:04.440 don't like that feeling. But I had no other choice to surrender. And I started also comforting myself

00:13:10.320 with things that maybe I shouldn't have comforted myself with. I just said, you know what? I know this

00:13:17.480 is going to go according to plan. I have a doula. I have a birth plan. I took the birth class. I've had

00:13:24.920 a healthy pregnancy. I know what's going to happen. I need to just stop freaking out. Everything is

00:13:29.420 going to go totally fine. I even plan to have a natural birth, which a lot of people do. So some

00:13:34.920 of you can laugh at that. But a lot of people have natural births. I was like, okay, I think I can do

00:13:39.520 it. I've got a supportive husband. You know, I've got the doula and all of that. I thought that I was

00:13:43.900 going to be able to accomplish that. I was also really patient about when she was actually going to get

00:13:50.700 here. Because I knew that since it was my first baby, there was a good possibility that she was

00:13:56.880 going to be past her due date. And I was totally fine with that. I was like, you know what, she's

00:14:01.200 just going to get here when she's going to get here. But that is not exactly how things went down.

00:14:08.780 I don't really want to tell my whole birth story. And the reason is because while the majority of you

00:14:13.560 are totally understanding and gracious and awesome, there's also a lot of judgment and sanctimony.

00:14:20.700 Surrounding birth in the female community sometimes, unfortunately. And I just know that

00:14:27.400 if I go through the whole thing, I'm going to get at least one email from someone being like,

00:14:31.860 you should have said this, or the doctor should have done this, or it should have gone this way,

00:14:35.520 or, you know, all of that. And I just, I don't really need that. Trust me, I have thought about

00:14:40.560 this day over and over again, July 5th, when my baby was born. I've thought about it over and over

00:14:45.960 again. I've done the reading. I've done the research. I've talked to a lot of very experienced

00:14:49.580 people about everything that happened. And I don't want to make it sound like it was

00:14:53.280 this terrible, traumatic emergency situation because it wasn't. But I did end up with a

00:14:58.580 C-section at 40 weeks, five days, which is an outcome that I never entertained. Like I had

00:15:04.540 pictured a thousand emergency situations in which I was actually giving birth and something happened,

00:15:09.700 but I never thought that I would have a C-section. Why would I? I had a healthy pregnancy. I would

00:15:14.640 never need a C-section is what I thought. And like I said, I really wanted an all natural birth. I

00:15:19.340 prayed for an all natural birth that I would go into labor naturally. Uh, it just didn't happen.

00:15:24.300 And looking back, um, as I was saying a few minutes ago, there are probably things I could

00:15:28.920 have done differently. I don't know. There's really not a point to me rehashing that over and over again.

00:15:35.720 Um, but it was both the hardest and the best day of my life. By the time I went back to have the

00:15:42.040 C-section, I was exhausted. I was shaking uncontrollably. I was sobbing. Everyone in my,

00:15:47.540 my family, all the family that was in the room was crying. Uh, this was literally the exact opposite

00:15:54.480 of what I'd prayed and hoped for. I shouldn't say literally the exact opposite because we were both

00:15:58.040 healthy and it was fine and everything ended up fine. So I'm so grateful for that, but it was very

00:16:04.180 different than what we were hoping for. And I mean, talk about being out of control. Uh, they stick

00:16:09.200 that epidural in you. You can't feel anything from the waist down, which is actually what I thought

00:16:14.100 would send me over the edge. Like I really thought that I would lose my mind. I hated not being able

00:16:19.000 to move. They make you put your arms out to the side. Uh, you hear them cutting you open and you can

00:16:23.100 kind of like feel the pressure, but you can't see anything. They put this kind of curtain in front of you

00:16:27.440 and you are just completely helpless. There's nothing you can do, but surrender to God and

00:16:33.680 surrender basically to the doctors that are in front of you. And thank the Lord for my husband.

00:16:39.100 I mean, having him there with me, holding my hand, it helped me. It helped keep me sane when I thought

00:16:44.260 that I would lose it. Uh, but I will never forget the moment. So even though all of this was totally

00:16:49.780 not what I wanted, totally not according to plan, not what I had hoped or prayed for. I will never

00:16:55.800 forget the moment that I heard my doctor say the word hi. And then there was this short pause and

00:17:04.020 then this loud scream and the nurse lowered the curtain that was in front of me. So yes, you like

00:17:09.280 see your stomach open. You see your insides, but you're not even focused on that because the doctor

00:17:14.380 is holding up this tiny little swollen human that is just screaming bloody murder. I mean, she's got a

00:17:20.560 full head of hair. Her hair was sticking everywhere. Her face was all swollen. I mean, the cutest,

00:17:26.440 craziest thing that you've ever seen. And you're like, oh my gosh, I just, I, that was a human.

00:17:32.640 I mean, you know, it's a human inside of you. You've seen the sonogram, you know how pregnancy

00:17:36.840 works, but you're like, oh my gosh, that's a human being. And they're here. And then they had to,

00:17:41.060 unfortunately they had to kind of take her away for a little bit. She had some oxygen

00:17:44.200 issues, but thankfully they thought she would have to go to NICU. She didn't have to go to NICU.

00:17:48.480 And that was just an answer to prayer because I was just laying on the operating table while

00:17:53.620 they were sewing me up, praying that she wouldn't have to go to NICU. And they did put her on my

00:17:57.760 chest. And it is in that moment when all of a sudden the world around you, all the things that

00:18:04.700 you once thought were important, they just kind of fade into the background. Everything that you

00:18:09.680 once thought was a huge deal now is totally insignificant. And you know, in that moment,

00:18:16.360 when they put that child on your chest, that you would do anything. I'm talking anything for this

00:18:22.580 child. You would give up everything that you had, everything that you ever wanted, every dream you

00:18:27.680 ever had for yourself. You would totally lay it down. You would lay down your life for them again

00:18:33.000 and again for no other reason than for the fact that God made you this way, that he designed you

00:18:39.820 so that you are almost desperately inclined as a mother or as a parent to care for your offspring.

00:18:47.260 It's a love that I really don't think, at least I have not known outside of parenthood. And that is

00:18:54.020 not to say that there aren't other kinds of amazing love that people in all stages of life can

00:19:00.020 experience. Of course there are. But this is unique. This love in parenthood is unique. It's like this

00:19:06.440 giant tidal wave that hits you all at once. And you realize, oh, okay, so this is God's love for me.

00:19:15.140 Well, actually, this is only a pale reflection of God's love for me. But now I'm starting to

00:19:19.840 understand the kind of love that compels someone to send their only son to die on a cross for them.

00:19:25.060 And speaking of that, how painful it must have been for God to send a son that he loved more than I

00:19:30.600 love my daughter to die a gruesome death that he didn't deserve. How deep the Father's love for us

00:19:36.400 has a whole new meaning when you become a parent. So that's the second thing that I learned and am

00:19:41.480 learning in addition to surrender is love. A profound, unconditional, heartbreaking love that

00:19:48.240 you have never known. And I'm not saying that it's always going to feel like rainbows and butterflies.

00:19:52.900 I know that. I know it's not. I mean, part of this that you feel after they're first born,

00:19:57.960 this just fierce protection. Of course, it lasts, you know, the entire parenting journey. But,

00:20:03.580 you know, the emotion of it, part of it is hormonal, part of it is just the overwhelming

00:20:09.400 nature of this moment. But I know from what I've heard from other moms that are far more experienced

00:20:19.360 than I am, this kind of unconditional, overwhelming love persists through the trials and the tribulations

00:20:27.420 and the difficulties. It emphasized something that I already knew and that we have talked about on this

00:20:34.360 podcast. And this is a little bit of a tangent. But I remember I was laying in bed and sitting up

00:20:40.520 in bed one night still recovering from the c-section. And so if you've ever had a c-section, you know

00:20:46.440 how terrible that is, how badly that hurt. And I'm feeding her, I'm tired, you're overwhelmed,

00:20:53.020 all of this stuff. But I just remember thinking, wow, that self-love message that the world is

00:20:59.940 propagating is garbage. It is garbage. And that's something I've said a million times on this podcast

00:21:05.480 before. But it's something that became extremely tangible for me when I became a mom. And I'm not

00:21:12.100 talking about, I'm not advocating for self-loathing or self-deprecation. You guys know that. But the

00:21:17.080 fixation that our society has on loving ourselves and doing what we want at all times is trendy

00:21:23.800 narcissism. That's all it is. And when it's contrasted to the love that you feel for your

00:21:28.760 child, it's completely flimsy. You see and you feel that immediately. You see just how empty and

00:21:35.580 unfulfilling that is. I do very little of what I want right now. Very little. I mean, and some of you

00:21:42.800 moms out there, you've got six kids, maybe you have kids with special needs. So I'm certainly not

00:21:46.700 saying that I have, you know, that I'm sacrificing the most ever. Not at all. I'm just speaking as a

00:21:52.160 newborn mom. I do very little of what I want. I very little quote me time. Every time I need to do

00:21:57.680 anything, so like eat or take a shower or answer an email or read my Bible, there is something and

00:22:04.540 someone that is demanding my attention. And guess what? As a selfish person, just like as a naturally

00:22:11.960 selfish person in my flesh, I would not trade that for the world. That's not because I am virtuous.

00:22:17.780 That's not because I'm an extremely generous person or an extremely, you know, any more compassionate

00:22:25.240 person than anyone else. I am just as naturally self-centered and self-focused and self-obsessed

00:22:31.260 and self-loving and selfish as anyone else. And I would not trade this self-sacrifice that I,

00:22:37.140 that is demanded of me because of my daughter for the world. I am so uninterested in this pithy

00:22:45.180 self-love, self-care, self-empowerment mantra that is given to me by Instagram influencers,

00:22:52.620 like so uninterested in it. It is fake. It is fleeting. It is ultimately completely unsatisfying.

00:22:59.880 I mean, give me self-emptying any day, any day over self-obsession. There is joy and service

00:23:07.020 and the end of self-centeredness is misery. And I'm going to keep going just on this tangent,

00:23:13.380 just, just for a little bit. Here's what the people propagating the self-love gospel don't know

00:23:18.980 and apparently don't want you to know that sacrificial love is so much better than self-love.

00:23:25.380 It's so much better. Like, and right now we're talking about earthly sacrificial love, like

00:23:30.400 from a parent to a child, we haven't even gotten into Christian sacrificial love yet, or

00:23:35.380 Christ's sacrificial love. But the kind of love that manifests itself in putting others before

00:23:41.620 yourself is so much more gratifying, so much more fulfilling, so much more satisfying than the kind

00:23:49.100 that only thinks about yourself. And you might be thinking, okay, Allie, but are these things really

00:23:54.280 mutually exclusive? Like, can't you believe in self-love and love other people? And the answer is

00:24:01.100 this. Uh, it's something that we have discussed many times before, but the Christian, we're not,

00:24:07.840 we're not called to self-love ever. The Christian is not called to self-love, not once in the Bible.

00:24:12.920 Are we called to love ourselves more? The Bible is radically unconcerned with us loving ourselves.

00:24:18.680 Why? Well, the answer is in a verse, or at least a phrase that we all know, Leviticus 19, 18,

00:24:24.280 love your neighbor as yourself. The answer is because we already do. Loving ourselves is human

00:24:31.520 nature. And if you don't believe that, I'll explain. So first, let me say it is a lie from

00:24:38.220 the pit of hell to interpret that verse that I just read as meaning you can't love your neighbor until

00:24:43.080 you love yourself. That is deceit from Satan. We are born loving ourselves. That does not mean that

00:24:49.120 we always think that we're awesome and beautiful all the time. That's not what that means. It means that

00:24:53.380 we are born looking out for ourselves. This is why we teach toddlers to share. We never have to teach

00:24:58.340 a toddler to be greedy. Uh, it takes effort to sacrifice for others. It takes effort to see the

00:25:03.780 best in others. It takes effort for us to lay aside what we want for the sake of others need. It takes

00:25:09.380 no effort at all for us to look after ourselves, to make excuses for ourselves, to do exactly what we

00:25:15.300 want. We are naturally very concerned with having our needs met. Uh, Ephesians 5, 28 through 29 says

00:25:22.900 in the same way, husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves

00:25:28.700 himself for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it as just as Christ as

00:25:35.380 the church. So sure. We think negative thoughts about ourselves. There are people who feel like

00:25:40.960 they hate themselves so much that they're even driven to things like depression and suicide. But even

00:25:45.760 in the tragic case of suicide, that person is looking out for themselves. They are looking to escape

00:25:52.240 pain and despair. And okay, here's where Christ comes into this. Uh, for these people, for all of

00:25:58.260 us who are self-deprecating, who are negative about our own abilities or appearance or whatever,

00:26:03.360 the answer for our insecurity and despair is not more self-love, which is so fleeting and so

00:26:09.540 unsatisfying. It is God's love. It's that sacrificial love, not just the sacrificial love from a parent to a

00:26:15.820 child, but the ultimate sacrificial love of God who sent us something to die for us. That is the answer

00:26:21.140 the Bible gives us for anxiousness and heaviness. It is not self-love or self-care. It is God's love

00:26:27.780 and God's provision for us. It is not in thinking of ourselves more that we will, uh, that we will

00:26:33.460 have more peace. It is in taking our eyes off of ourselves and fixing our gaze on Christ that we will

00:26:40.300 have peace. So if you struggle with defeating thoughts, you will accomplish nothing by telling

00:26:46.100 yourself how awesome you are. You'll feel good for a few weeks. Then the self-deprecation will come

00:26:51.360 back in. Uh, my advice to you then is to take your eyes off of yourself and look to the cross.

00:26:57.800 You want to know confidence. Consider that you, a sinner, get to approach a holy God with boldness

00:27:02.940 because of Jesus. You want to know security. Consider that Christ, in Christ, you are eternally a

00:27:08.940 child and an heir and a saint, and there is nothing you can do to change that. Not because you are

00:27:14.180 faithful, but because God is. So the answer to our anxiety and insecurity and negative thoughts about

00:27:20.360 ourselves is not found in us. It is found in Christ. And if you keep looking to yourself and

00:27:26.320 your ability to love yourself for satisfaction, you will continually end up disappointed. I promise.

00:27:33.080 And I have learned that yet again, through mothering my daughter, I have been reminded yet again

00:27:38.860 that the world just has absolutely nothing to offer us when it comes to joy. It has nothing to offer

00:27:45.460 us when it comes to peace, when it comes to satisfaction. It gives us very cheap substitutes

00:27:50.140 for love and care. God, on the other hand, shows us real love, sacrificial love through Christ,

00:27:56.440 and then tells us to love him and love others in the same way. And he created us in his image with

00:28:01.100 the capacity to do that. Not in the same perfect way that he is, but in a reflective way.

00:28:06.200 There is a reason why Jesus calls his disciples to self-denial and never once calls them to

00:28:12.380 self-love. When it comes to understanding human nature, I am going to go with the creator of

00:28:18.360 the universe, not some random Instagram influencer who hasn't the slightest clue what she's talking

00:28:22.340 about. Surrender and sacrificial love. These are two things that I have learned and am continuing

00:28:28.380 to learn. And it's true what they say, that having a child is sanctifying. It is so sanctifying,

00:28:33.380 even more so than marriage, which marriage is very sanctifying as well. You are stripped of

00:28:37.900 yourself. And amazingly, you find yourself wanting to do it again. It's crazy. God made us this way.

00:28:43.360 And I truly think he does so to remind us of the gospel. His love for us, his love for his son that

00:28:49.160 he sent to die for us and our need to love and to be loved deeply. You know, our generation apparently

00:28:54.560 is having fewer kids and we're waiting longer to have kids. And people are worried that our population

00:29:01.900 isn't growing quickly enough because people aren't having kids the way that they were. And that really

00:29:06.340 concerns me. And it doesn't concern me because we'll have fewer kids. Although I do think that that is

00:29:13.600 that's obviously the problem. But it also concerns me because we have fewer parents. And I think the

00:29:20.700 lessons in compassion and empathy and sacrifice and love and surrender that we learn as parents is not

00:29:30.500 just good for us as individuals. It's not just good for us as families, but it's good for us as

00:29:34.780 societies. And that's not to say that people who aren't parents aren't also very compassionate and

00:29:39.700 empathetic and can't be very wonderful people because of course they can. But these are unique

00:29:45.820 lessons that you learn in motherhood and fatherhood that I think benefits us as a whole, as an entire

00:29:51.900 community, as an entire nation. And I worry for a generation, millennials who are already known for being

00:29:59.480 entitled, that the most responsibility that most people have that are most people aspire to have

00:30:07.400 who are in our generation seems to be owning a dog. That worries me because I think it's going to have

00:30:13.720 an effect on our collective character. Again, that's not to say that single people that people don't who

00:30:19.880 don't have kids can't be wonderful people because they can. They can be selfless in many awesome ways

00:30:26.600 that are significant to society. But I just worry about having more and more people who choose not

00:30:34.240 to be parents simply because they want to do what they want to do and they don't want the sacrifice

00:30:39.040 that comes with it. They don't want the inconvenience that comes with it. That really worries me for our

00:30:44.260 collective consciousness. And that certainly, I am quite sure, has something to do with the

00:30:51.380 godlessness that has increased in our society and has increased, particularly in our generation. We

00:30:57.040 have the largest number of religious nuns, which is N-O-N-E-S, more than any other generation. I'm sure

00:31:03.880 that has something to do with the childlessness as well and just this kind of god of self that our

00:31:09.360 generation seems to be so keen on serving. But there's also something that I want to say to those

00:31:15.380 of us who are moms. I talked about this on Instagram the other day. We have to be really

00:31:19.960 careful. And I don't mean this in a sanctimonious or judgmental way at all. I realize that I'm a

00:31:25.380 newborn mom. I don't have all the motherhood experience in the world. But I think the principle

00:31:29.220 still stands whether you are a new mom or have been a mom for 50 years. We have to be careful about how we

00:31:36.340 talk about motherhood in public and especially online. Now, I am not saying that we shouldn't be honest

00:31:43.240 about our struggles as moms. I'm not saying we shouldn't be vulnerable and shouldn't be honest

00:31:46.920 because I think we should. I really appreciate people who share their struggles on social media.

00:31:51.440 Some of my favorite accounts to follow on Instagram are parents of people of kids with special needs,

00:31:57.320 of kids who have some kind of sickness. Those kind of accounts, they just really strengthen my faith.

00:32:01.460 They give me a lot of deep joy to see people abiding in Christ when it's really difficult.

00:32:07.260 And I love that they share vulnerably and they share transparently. I think that's good.

00:32:13.240 But there is a trend of hating on kids from moms on social media of talking about how your kids

00:32:24.020 are driving you to drink, how you can't wait for your husband to get fixed, or you're so glad that

00:32:30.680 your kids have started school or whatever. And I think we just need to be really careful about how

00:32:35.960 we talk about being parents in public because it has an effect on other people. If we talk about

00:32:42.740 how joyless and how terrible it is to be a mom, as if we are victims of motherhood, how attractive

00:32:50.640 are we really making that to the next generation and to those around us? I mean, I think we would

00:32:56.260 be crazy to think that some, not all, but some of the deep negativity that we see about parenting on

00:33:03.240 social media by parents would be crazy to think that that doesn't somehow also attribute indirectly to

00:33:09.920 the abortion culture that we see overtaking our society. There really is this trend that I see

00:33:15.780 among teenagers. And so that wouldn't be millennials. That would be like, I guess, generation Z. There's

00:33:21.740 really this trend online that I see, especially on Twitter of dehumanizing and bullying babies. I know

00:33:28.080 that sounds weird, but there's a lot of viral videos on Twitter that are borderline child abuse towards

00:33:34.840 babies that people laugh at. There was this video or there was a picture of an unborn child,

00:33:42.400 I think at like 10 and a half weeks gestation that the comments that people were making about this

00:33:49.000 child and laughing at this child, talking about how they would throw it against the wall to see if it

00:33:54.020 sticks, all of this terrible stuff, truly demonic, truly hateful, just evil, evil. I mean, it's true

00:34:01.480 what the Bible says about the eyes of their hearts just being darkened and how people are corrupted

00:34:08.840 in their minds when they are apart from Christ. It's horrible. And we have to be, especially as

00:34:16.260 Christian moms, we have to be salt and light. And again, that doesn't mean that we just pretend that

00:34:22.460 motherhood is perfect and we're perfect moms and that we always have our hair done and that our house is

00:34:26.900 always perfectly clean. I'm not saying that, but we have to emphasize and glorify the joy,

00:34:34.340 the profound joy of motherhood more than we do the so-called messiness. That's not to say we never

00:34:41.300 talk about messiness, but we need to be talking about how awesome, how rewarding, how much better

00:34:47.880 it is to pour ourselves out for our kids than it is to pour ourselves out for ourselves. How much better

00:34:54.020 sacrificial love is than self-love, how awesome it is to have a family, how wonderful it is to get to

00:35:00.820 surrender to God. As Christians, we should be encouraging our fellow Christians to see children

00:35:06.540 as a blessing, not as a burden, not to see them as something that you put off until you've done all of

00:35:12.780 your travel, not something that you put off until you have achieved some kind of accomplishment at work.

00:35:19.460 But, and this is, I'm speaking from experience in this regard because this is how I used to view it,

00:35:26.080 but as a blessing, as something that we accept with gratitude and something we approach with both

00:35:33.020 surrender and sacrificial love, knowing that God is going to teach us these things that I certainly

00:35:37.380 didn't go into pregnancy knowing these things already. Like I said, I'm a naturally self-centered

00:35:42.940 person. I want to do things my way. I want to do things for myself, but God through marriage and

00:35:49.600 through motherhood sanctifies us of those things. Through many means, he sanctifies us from those

00:35:55.560 things, but especially in relation to the family. And he made it this way. He made it this way. He made

00:36:01.320 marriage to be a reflection of Christ in the church because he cares about us learning his gospel deeper.

00:36:06.180 And he made mothers to love their children and fathers to love their children in a way that

00:36:13.420 reflect his love for us and his love for Christ that he sent to die for us because he wants us to

00:36:18.280 know the gospel deeper. I guess I should say more deeply. I'll correct my grammar on that, but I think

00:36:23.940 you know what I mean. And I'm just so thankful and privileged and honored that I am in a position

00:36:30.240 to get to learn that. I really am. And I know it's going to be hard. There are going to be days that are

00:36:35.280 much harder than the newborn stage. I realize that there are going to be things that I go through

00:36:40.120 with her that are going to be much harder than just getting four hours of sleep a night.

00:36:44.900 I totally, I understand that. I may not know what that feels like yet, but I understand that.

00:36:50.180 But what I also know is that there is joy in this. There's joy in the self-emptying. There is joy in

00:36:55.780 the self-denial. And for those of you who are not moms yet, but who are planning to be, or maybe you're

00:37:01.380 pregnant, I am so excited for you. I'm so excited for you. I wish more people told me that when I

00:37:07.220 was pregnant. So many people tell you, oh, just wait. Oh, just wait. It's going to be so hard. Just

00:37:12.820 wait until you don't sleep. Just wait until you're miserable. Just wait until your boobs hurt because

00:37:17.580 you're breastfeeding. Just wait. People, I don't know why people like to commiserate. I am so excited

00:37:23.620 for you. That's all I'm going to say. I am so pumped for you to get to experience this. It is

00:37:29.180 a joy. It is a privilege. It is awesome. This is the best thing that I have ever experienced in my

00:37:36.060 entire life. Nothing comes close to this. Not a single thing. And I've done a lot of, a lot of,

00:37:41.780 I've had a lot of fun experiences in my life. Nothing comes close to this. I'm so excited for

00:37:46.200 you. And for those of you who are moms, who are grandmothers, I should include dads and grandfathers

00:37:50.600 in this. Just thank you for everything that you've done. If you haven't gotten the recognition that you

00:37:54.860 deserve, I'm giving it to you now. Thank you. It's a lot of hard work to raise responsible

00:38:00.460 humans. I don't even know the, I don't even know the beginning of it yet, but I understand at least

00:38:07.340 a little bit what that must be like. So thank you for that. Thank you guys for listening to this. And

00:38:12.280 my update actually had a lot more written down that I wanted to say, but I think this covers it. This

00:38:18.300 already is going over our 30 minute mark Wednesday. We're of course going to talk about the news

00:38:23.560 Friday. Haven't decided what we're going to do. If you have any suggestions for Friday,

00:38:27.520 let me know. I'm going to talk about deconversion next week. So tune into that. Please like,

00:38:34.380 and share this podcast. If you like, and share it, I think I meant review and share it. If you love it,

00:38:40.020 follow me on Instagram, subscribe on YouTube, and I will see you guys on Wednesday.

00:38:48.300 I'll see you guys on Wednesday.

Relatable with Allie Beth Stuckey - August 19, 2019

Ep 152 ｜ Motherhood

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