Ep 237 | Toxic Mommy Culture
Episode Stats
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176.71376
Summary
Toxic mommy culture is a term I use to describe the trendy malice expressed by parents about their kids on social media. It s a term that I made up, or at least I think I made it up. This is a topic that a ton of you have been asking me to address more thoroughly.
Transcript
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Hey guys, welcome to Relatable Happy Monday. I hope everyone had a great Easter weekend
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celebrating with your families in whatever non-traditional ways that you got to celebrate
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this weekend. Today we are talking about toxic mommy culture. This is a topic that a lot of you
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have been asking me to address more thoroughly. We've talked about it on the podcast before,
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but I'm going to tell you what it is, why it's bad, and why we as Christian women should avoid it.
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Uh, now if you are listening on Monday, you know that this podcast episode is out a little bit
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later than usual. There were some technical difficulties, so I apologize for that. I
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actually had to record it, um, a second time because the audio was out on the first one. So
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anyway, sorry for the delay there, but I'm so excited to get into the subject that a ton of
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you have been requesting that we dive into more deeply. Okay, let's get into toxic mommy culture.
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Uh, what is toxic mommy culture? This is a term that I made up, or at least I think I made it up.
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I'm sure other people somewhere have said this phrase before, but I think that I came up with
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it. Toxic mommy culture. It is what I use to describe the trendy malice expressed by parents
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about their kids on Twitter. Uh, let me tell you what I am talking about and what I'm not talking
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about just so we can be clear. Let me start with what I'm not talking about when I say toxic mommy
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culture. So what is not toxic mommy culture is saying motherhood is hard. That's not toxic mommy
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culture or asking for help or advice, voicing your worries or your fears or your stressors when it
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comes to motherhood, talking about needing a break or a time of refreshment or rest, uh, being honest
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about the real challenges of raising children. That's not toxic laughing about something your
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children said or did joking about not having it all together or even, you know, poop explosions or
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all the non glamorous parts of motherhood. These are not part of what I consider toxic mommy culture.
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Of course, every situation and everything that said online is different and requires us to look at
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tone and context and things like that. But just upfront, I'm not talking about, uh, I'm not talking
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about vulnerability and transparency and lighthearted humor when it comes to talking about motherhood
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online. I think that these can all be done on social media in a way that's lighthearted. It's fun.
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It's funny and edifying. When I talk about toxic mommy culture, I am not indicting, like I said,
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vulnerability and transparency. I am condemning meanness, malice, disrespect, and what even may
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very well be considered bullying and emotional abuse. This word toxic is used a lot nowadays in this
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whole, uh, what I call the trendy narcissism culture, the culture of self-love to say, okay, if you have a
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toxic relationship, you need to cut it out. What I mean by toxic is that it is infecting you. It is
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bringing you down. It is making you, your thoughts, your life, your relationships worse. It is tearing
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things down rather than building things up. So that's what I mean by toxic. So toxic mommy culture
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includes, but it's not limited to, and this is just my own personal definition. Other people might have
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different definitions, but it's my personal definition in light of what the Bible says about
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motherhood and raising children and things like that. So toxic, non-edifying, non-building up,
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non-encouraging mommy culture is including, but not limited to calling your kids names online.
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A-hole seems to be a prevalent one that people just think is hilarious nowadays, but also calling your
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kids brats, jerks, things like that. Uh, talking about how your kids are driving you to alcoholism,
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pointing out that you hate spending time with your kids, or they're holding you back
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from doing all the things that you want to do. You hate having them in the house and you just can't
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wait for them to go away. All of this by the way also applies to how a lot of women talk about their
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spouses online. And it is almost always wives complaining about these things. Wives complaining
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about their husbands. Moms complaining about their kids. Not always, but often, um, are sinful and
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incessant need to nag as women seems to be spilling over onto social media. And let me tell you,
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it ain't pretty. And that is why I am talking about toxic mommy culture. There are social media
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accounts that are dedicated to this kind of stuff. Not all the posts on these accounts, like scary
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mommy, for example, are bad, but there is a theme to most of them. And it's this, that I am a victim
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of motherhood. I am strung out. I am stressed out. I am put out. I deserve better. I'm entitled to
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recognition and vacation, and I'm not getting these things. So I'm bitter. That's the theme of most of
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these posts, these degrading posts about kids and toxic posts about motherhood. All of this is
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presented usually under the guise of humor. And as I have learned in my experience, if you call this out,
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if you point out, even from a Christian perspective, that a Christian perspective, that this kind of
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attitude is unhelpful, is hurtful and unbiblical, you will be met with a cacophony of defenses. You
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will hear things like, lighten up. It's just a joke. Moms just need a place where they can vent and voice
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their frustrations. Or why don't you give these moms some grace rather than telling them their reactions
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are wrong? Stop being so judgmental. Or my personal favorite, just wait. Just wait till you have
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teenagers. Just wait till you have more kids. Just wait till you are met with X, Y, Z challenge. Just
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wait. Then you will understand and you will start talking like this about your kids. And instead of
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just discounting these defenses of toxic mommy culture, instead of just writing them off, I'm going
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to address them one by one. Because some of this pushback is legitimate or it's at least understandable
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and it's worth answering. And I will use my responses to these justifications of toxic mommy culture
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to make my argument against it. First defense of toxic mommy culture is it's just a joke. Okay. I love
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jokes. Like I can take a joke. I am not easily offended by jokes, even if jokes are targeted towards me or a
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demographic or a group that I represent. I have a very deep appreciation for jokes, for jabs, for sarcasm,
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and even some good-hearted cynicism when the time is right. But, but not at the expense of those who
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can't defend themselves. That's not humor. That's bullying. And there is nothing that I hate more than
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bullying. Think about this. The only reason you as a parent, and I'm talking universal you because I'm
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sure most of you listening to this podcast don't engage in toxic mommy culture online. The reason
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that you, who this might apply to as a parent, feel so bold and brazen calling your kids brats online or
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saying that you are dreading spending time with them during quarantine is because they can't read.
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And if they can read, you don't care if they see it or not because you have power and authority over
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them. Or like in the case of women complaining about their husbands online, you just don't care
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what they think. You would never say these things that you say about your kids or your spouse, about
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your neighbor publicly, or your friend publicly, or your boss publicly, or people whose opinions that
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you care about and whose feelings you don't want to hurt because they might be able to retaliate in
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some way. In most cases, kids are helpless. And by calling them names online or saying how much
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you dislike them, you are exploiting their helplessness and dependence on you. Now, you
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might say, Allie, it ain't that Z. Come on. They're just funny memes. They're nothing more than that. We
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just laugh and we scroll on. But again, humor is humor. Funny memes are funny memes. But bullying
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isn't funny. What other class of helpless people is it acceptable to publicly call names and talk badly
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about a people with special needs, the elderly, the poor, if there were accounts dedicated to how
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burdensome special needs people are, we'd probably think it was in bad taste, right? Like we'd actually
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probably think it's immoral. And we might even take steps to get that account taken down. And yet,
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it's become trendy, funny to demean other vulnerable, another vulnerable group of people, children to get a
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laugh. Think about it. If there were hundreds of accounts dedicated to how terrible wives and women
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are, like how dumb and annoying and dramatic and bratty and needy women are, how exhausting we are,
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how men can't wait till we're gone or to get out of the house so we're not bothering them. And there
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probably are social media accounts like this. But like, what would we say to these? We would laugh,
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maybe, but we'd also probably agree that it's sexist, that it's rude, that it's not helpful to
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society at all, that it's not edifying, right? We probably wouldn't say, oh, well, it's fine. Like,
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it's fine if lots of men voice these opinions publicly and become influencers based on their
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sexism. We'd probably see these people, these guys that start accounts like this as scumbags.
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We'd probably wonder if they were really decent people. We probably would say, well, maybe the
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problem is with you as a husband and not with your wife if you're constantly complaining or she's
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constantly nagging you. We'd probably start having those thoughts. We'd probably wonder if this kind of
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pervasive attitude contributes to society's general view of women. And we would be right
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to wonder all of these things if these accounts exist or did exist. So no, I don't think all of
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the memes about kids being chicken nugget eating brats are as innocuous as you think they are.
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And from a biblical perspective, Ephesians 4 29 says,
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let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up as fits
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the occasion that it may give grace to those who hear. Now, this is a verse that I, I personally can
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certainly put into practice better and more regularly, not in relation to this topic specifically,
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but in general, certainly in online conversations about politics and disagreements and things like
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that. But it absolutely also applies to the things that we say about our families, especially publicly
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privately too, but especially publicly, the things we say should be good for building up as that verse
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says. Pushback number two, when I say toxic mommy culture is bad and we shouldn't engage with it.
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A pushback that I hear is moms need a place where they can vent their frustrations. Well, yes and no.
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Um, as women, I think we need to be a lot more thoughtful about what we decide to quote vent.
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What I notice in a lot of us in many different kinds of situations is that we use this, sorry,
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I just need to vent as an excuse for saying things that we know we shouldn't say things that we know
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aren't glorifying to the Lord things we know don't qualify as what's good for building others up things
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that would be really hurtful if the person that we're talking about heard them, including our kids.
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Um, it's kind of like when we excuse gossip by saying, Oh, I'm just, I'm just worried about her.
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Or, Oh, I would say this to her face. So it's not gossip. We're all guilty of that, but we know the
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truth that we're still gossiping. Or it's like when we say something rude to someone followed by like,
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no offense, or just bless her heart. Uh, venting does not give us an excuse to sin. It's not a
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justification for slander or bullying or tearing down or hatefulness. And again, I have absolutely
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been guilty of this in the past in other areas, but venting does not provide a justification for
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unfit, for hateful, or for mean words. Uh, Jesus condemning the Pharisees said this in Matthew 12,
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34 through 37 for out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks the good person out of his good
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treasure brings forth good. And the evil person out of his evil treasure brings forth evil. I tell you
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on the day of judgment, people will give account for every careless word they speak for by your words,
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you will be justified. And by your words, you will be condemned. Jesus leader says in Matthew 15,
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and he called the people to him and said to them here and understand it is not what goes into the
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mouth that defiles a person, but what comes out of his mouth, this defiles a person. What comes out of
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the mouth proceeds from the heart and this defiles a person for out of the heart come evil thoughts,
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murder, adultery, sexual immorality, theft, false witness, slander. These are what defile a person.
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So out of the heart just says the mouth speaks. So we should all ask ourselves, uh, why are we saying
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the things that we're saying? They don't mean nothing. These words don't mean nothing. They mean
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something. Are we bad mouthing our kids online because we hate them because we don't like them? If
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so, that's a heart problem. That's a you problem, not a kid problem, a you problem fundamentally. And
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ultimately, uh, are we doing it because we want attention and affirmation? This I think is typically
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the main reason why people engage in toxic mommy culture. If so, that's a heart problem. Or are we
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doing it because we feel envy, uh, towards single people, people without kids, people who seem to have
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it easier, or maybe because, uh, we covet other people's kids, their husbands or their financial
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situations. If so, that's a heart problem. The mean spirited tearing down of kids, even in the name
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of humor is not an indication of your circumstances, but of your heart. So it's not an indication of how bad
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your kids are, how lazy or unhelpful your husband is, how difficult quarantine is. It's an indication
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of something that is going on in your heart. It's an indication of sin. Your resentment toward your
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kids is a heart issue. Your bitterness toward your husband is a heart issue. Your desire for attention
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or affirmation from strangers on the internet or friends in your phone, this is a heart issue. Now, this
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does not mean that your kids aren't behaving badly or that your husband isn't lazy. They might be these
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things. And these things might not be your fault. You might actually have it really hard. I'm not
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discounting that. But your public venting sessions where you are calling your kids and your spouse's
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names is an effort to tear them down to build yourself up. And that is pride. That is sin. And not only
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that, but I'm telling you, it's not going to help because you have deeper heart level needs that may
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be numbed by your social media bashing, but will not be healed. The only person that can help you
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repent of your resentment and bitterness and selfish need for attention is the God who made you. And this
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God sees you. He hears you. He knows how hard you have it. However hard you have it. He knows what
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challenges and obstacles you face. First Peter 5, 7 tells us to cast all our anxieties, all our cares
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on the Lord because he cares for us. The reason why you bring your requests and your concerns to God
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in gratitude and humility, not in bitterness or anger or entitlement, is because yes, he cares for you, but he
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can also do something about these things. He can also help you. He can supply you with the strength and the
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joy and the wisdom you need. Memes cannot do that. A like on social media will not do that. Those people
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that are a part of that mom group that you're on that you're using to vent cannot do that. The friend
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egging you on over text message in your venting session cannot do that. Now again, seeking wisdom
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from our friends, very good. Asking for encouragement from friends or even that mom's group that you're a part
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of on Facebook, good. Being transparent and vulnerable about the difficulty of motherhood,
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absolutely. But using venting as an excuse for gossiping and bad-mouthing your family,
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it's unhelpful and it's unfit both for you and those who see inherent. Next defense I hear of toxic
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mommy culture. Give these moms venting about their kids in mean ways some grace instead of pointing out
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the flaws in toxic mommy culture. Don't be so judgmental. Well, you are right in that a lot of
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the moms engaging in this kind of online rhetoric may be really struggling and they're looking for
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people to relate to. They're looking for some reprieve, maybe some encouragement. And maybe their
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kids, like I acknowledged, really are wild. Maybe their husband really is inattentive and unhelpful and
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annoying. So maybe this mom really is completely overwhelmed by motherhood. All of this can be true.
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At the same time as it is true that some speech is edifying and some speech is objectively degrading
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and that the effects of the things that we say about kids matters. That some of these things are
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hurtful, they're unhelpful, and they contribute to the larger culture of hatred toward or at least
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apathy toward children that is so rampant today. I think the vast majority of moms who engage in this
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kind of toxic online behavior love their kids and are probably nothing like their online persona in
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real life. But again, the question is, why are you doing it? What good is it doing? And do you find
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yourself taking on this online persona of entitlement and bitterness? And is that helping your family or is
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it hurting? Do you find yourself looking for opportunities to create a situation in which your
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child acts like a brat so you can chronicle it for laughs later? If so, again, who is that helping?
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And I would challenge you to ask the Lord to examine what is in your heart as we should all be doing in
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all things. Ask him to examine what is in your heart that is making you feel the need to do this kind of
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thing. And there absolutely is forgiveness and grace and understanding and love for you that only your
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creator can give, but there will also be a call to repentance. Because remember, out of the abundance
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of the heart, the mouth speaks. And then finally, what I probably hear most often when I bring up toxic
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mommy culture and just how damaging it is, is just wait. That's what I hear. Just wait. Just wait till
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you have more kids. Just wait till you have toddlers. Wait till you have preteens. Wait till you have
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teenagers. Then you'll see why moms talk like this and you'll probably do it too. And you are right in
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that. I have no idea what you are going through. I have one baby and I'm not going to lie. She is
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pretty incredible. I have no idea what it's like to have twins or triplets or to have toddlers or to
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have teenagers or two, three, four, five kids. I don't know. I don't know what it's like to have
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kids with special needs. I don't know what it's like to have a husband who doesn't help. I don't know
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what it's like to be a single mom. I don't know what it's like to be a mom who works 80 hours of
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the week outside of the home. I can go on and on about the kinds of moms that have it harder than
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I do. I could talk forever about all of the things that I've yet to experience as a mom that I've yet
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to learn about motherhood. There are many of you listening who know exponentially more than I do
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about being a mom. So I don't come at this subject of toxic mommy culture as an expert on
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motherhood. I'm not. I come at this from a perspective of a Christian who knows what the
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Bible says about children as an observer of culture and as a commentator on the lies being fed to women
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by our culture. This lie and other lies that you are a victim of motherhood. I also come at this as
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someone who is fortunate enough to be around moms of three kids, four kids, five kids, kids with special
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needs and they all have different parenting styles. They've all gone through their tough times and I'm
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sure they would tell you that they have gone through their hard moments and and mistakes that
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they've made. But all of the moms I know do their jobs with gratitude and joy. And so I know what a
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righteous attitude looks like in moms who have it much harder than I do and who might, who might
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also have it harder than you do. It is a judgment of the kind of negative culture and behavior
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surrounding motherhood that I am engaging in. And yes, I am judging that kind of behavior as wrong
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and as harmful. Bitterness is fanned into flame and creates more contentment, more envy, more
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unhappiness in this kind of online conversation and culture. And it also has an effect on our
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culture at large, a culture which already places a low value on children. It exacerbates this feeling
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that children are a burden and that they can be discarded at any point in pregnancy as long as
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it's convenient. And this transitions me into my offensive points. So those are my defensive points
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against what are attempts at justifying toxic mommy culture. And here are my offensive points about
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why toxic mommy culture is bad and wrong and probably a little bit offensive too, to some people.
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Number one, yes, as I was just stating, I do believe that toxic mommy culture contributes to abortion
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culture. How could it not? How could it not contribute to that mentality when teachers, when teenagers,
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sorry, and young women see moms constantly complaining about having kids, do you think that parenting
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sounds appealing to them? Or do you think that it terrifies them? It's the latter. There's no doubt about
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that. I also believe that it probably encourages apathy, antipathy, and even forms of abuse towards
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children. If moms feel like they are validated in their deep-seated resentment and even sometimes hate of their
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kids, why would they try to hide these things? Number two, it is disrespectful to engage in this
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kind of behavior, not just to your kids, not just to your family, but also to those who want kids and
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haven't been able to have them. There are millions of men and women, it's always important for us to be
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reminded of this, there are millions of men and women who would give anything to be doing the late
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night wake-ups, the dozen diaper changes, the temper tantrums, the helping with homework, but it hasn't
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happened for them yet. They have emptied their bank accounts, they have spent hours on their knees
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praying, they have waited years on adoption lists, all to get a chance at having the same experiences
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that you right now are complaining about. Now, that does not mean that you don't have the right, that
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we don't have the right to acknowledge hardship in parenting. Whether you have one kid or you have
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seven kids, we can say when things are difficult, we can be tired, we can be stressed, we can feel
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like we don't know what we're doing, we can confide in a friend, we can ask for help, we can pray to
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God for strength. Of course, none of these things mean that we're not thankful for our kids just when
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we're being honest, but remember to be thankful for your kids and don't let vulnerability, which is
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good, turn into grumbling, which is bad and a sin. Philippians 2 14 through 15 says, do all things
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without grumbling or disputing, that you may be blameless and innocent, children of God without
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blemish in the midst of a crooked and twisted generation, among whom you shine as lights in the
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world, holding fast to the word of life, to the word of life, so that in the day of Christ, I may be
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proud that I did not run in vain or labor in vain. Our lack of grumbling and complaining is a
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characteristic of being children of God. It helps us shine as light in the midst of darkness, which leads to my
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third point, which is the most important point. Number three, viewing children as brats and burdens
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is unbiblical. This is the third and most important reason why toxic mommy culture is wrong and we
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shouldn't have a part of it. If we see secular society sound a certain way or say certain things,
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our first reaction should never be to mimic it as Christians. If society tells us that kids are
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brats and burdens, instead of agreeing, instead of nodding our heads and joking along with them,
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we should ask ourselves, hang on, the world is saying this. Is this what God says? Is this what
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God says about kids? Is this what God says about parenting? Because as Christians, we don't care what
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other moms say that motherhood is. We don't care what memes say that motherhood is. We don't care what
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celebrities say that motherhood is. The question is, what does God say that motherhood is? The one who
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created it. The one who tells us what to think and how to act. And the Bible says that kids are not
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brats. They're not burdens, but they are blessings. That doesn't mean that they don't sometimes act
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bratty. It doesn't mean that sometimes they don't have bad behavior and that motherhood isn't hard,
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but that children innately are blessings to us. Psalm 127, three through five says,
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behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb, a reward. Like arrows in the hand of a
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warrior are the children of one's youth. Blessed is the man who fills his quiver with them. Jesus also
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used the innocence, the trusting nature, the eagerness of children as a representation of what
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our faith should look like. Mark 10, 13 through 15 says, and they were bringing children to him that
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he might touch them and the disciples rebuked them. But when Jesus saw it, he was indignant and said to
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them, let the children come to me. Do not hinder them for to such belongs the kingdom of God.
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Truly I say to you, whoever does not receive the kingdom of God like a child shall not enter it.
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Jesus made these children. He loves them. He sees them as precious. Throughout the Bible,
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we see that God is the giver of children, that he creates us fearfully and wonderfully in our
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mother's womb, that life starts at conception and it is precious from then onward. And let me tell you,
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from a first time, relatively inexperienced mom, motherhood is a blessing. Any of you who have been
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negatively affected by people who say kids hold you back or inhibit you or stop you from fulfilling
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your dreams or they take too much of you, don't listen to that. You will experience in parenthood
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a love that you have never felt in your life. And I know that it is a tough road ahead. For me,
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for anyone as a parent, I was a strong-willed child. I was an even stronger-willed teenager.
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My parents had a rough go of it. I understand the road of parenting is never easy and that there
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are times to weep over it, to struggle with it, to ask for help with it, to not know what to do with
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it. But there is never a time to bully our children behind their backs online for a like or a laugh.
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And again, I want to reiterate because I know I'm going to get at least one comment on this
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on YouTube or something. Someone is still going to discount all of the caveats that I've put in
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this and say that I'm being judgmental and that I'm trying to say that women should just be faked
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and pretend that parenting is perfect and easy. And I'm not. I am not advocating for being fake or
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pretending that things are going perfectly. Confess your struggles and your sins to the Lord,
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to trusted friends, ask for help and for wisdom while keeping in mind something important and
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true. You are not a victim of motherhood. You are a beneficiary of it. Words matter. Attitudes
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matter. That scary mommy Instagram page might be funny, but is it helpful? Is it really helping you
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or is it making you more bitter? Is it helping society or is it adding to the negative noise?
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Toxic mommy culture is a subsidiary of what I call the culture of self-affirmation or trending
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narcissism as we've talked about many times on this podcast. And these two subjects, like I said,
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are interlaced. They're interlocked. And this is something that I wrote a book about. Actually,
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you're not enough. And that's okay. Escaping the toxic culture of self-love comes out August 11th.
00:28:41.940
You can go ahead and pre-order that on Amazon if you would like. Trendy narcissism is this mythical
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idea that if you love yourself more, you'll be happy. That if you put yourself first,
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you'll be satisfied. That if you care for yourself better, you will find purpose and peace. That
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you're really the center of your universe and everyone else is in your orbit. And it encourages
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this sense of entitlement. Entitlement to your wants and your space and your dreams. But the truth is
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the fact of the matter from a biblical perspective, we're not entitled to these things. Yes, we need
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rest. God made us this way and dictates our rest and commands that we find refuge in him. And yes,
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there are things that we like to do, things that make us happy that we should do and engage in
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whenever we can. But our children are not getting in the way of the things that we are entitled to.
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And viewing them as such will make us bad parents and miserable people because it will make us
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bitter. Pride is always the author of bitterness. A toxic mommy culture is based on pride, on what you
00:29:44.020
deserve, on the affirmation and attention that you think that you are entitled to. I saw a post
00:29:50.620
on a mom's group on Facebook of a mom calling her eight-month-old an a-hole because he wouldn't stop
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screaming and crying. She called herself a terrible mom and said, sorry, I just needed to vent. And all
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the comments assured her, no, you're not a bad mom. You are doing your best. You're doing a great job.
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And I'm just afraid, looking at this conversation that I did not even engage in at all, I'm afraid
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in many cases that this is the reason why moms use such harsh language against their kids and even
00:30:18.540
themselves is because they want to be puffed up. They need their ego to be stroked. But ultimately,
00:30:24.320
this doesn't help anyone. The truth is, the hard truth is, we don't know if this person is a good mom.
00:30:29.940
Like, we don't need to puff her up with empty platitudes. We need to remind her of the truth,
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of the truth that it is understandable to be going through a hard time right now,
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but that God can give her the strength to do her job, which is to steward her blessing of having
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a child. A toxic mommy culture, just like the larger cults of self-affirmation, trendy narcissism,
00:30:50.380
all seek to elevate the self. And it should tell us something that its participants are always
00:30:55.300
complaining, they're always blaming, and they're never fully, finally happy. Remember, none of the
00:31:02.880
answers that you are searching for are found inside yourself, because the self can't be both the
00:31:09.520
problem and the solution. That's why you see these that are obsessed with the self are often very up
00:31:16.520
and down in their emotions. They're always looking for the next thing or the next 10-step program or
00:31:22.080
relationship or book that will make them feel better, and it helps for a little bit, and then it fades.
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The burdens and the worries and the concerns of toxic mommy culture and trendy narcissism are heavy,
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but the good news is that Jesus's burdens are light. His yoke is easy. He calls us to self-denial,
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to self-forgetfulness, not to self-obsession. And self-denial might sound scary, but it actually
00:31:47.880
frees us from the discontentment and constant striving for attention and affirmation that comes
00:31:53.120
with self-worship. When Jesus is the center of our lives, when we make pleasing him and glorifying him
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our number one priority, when he is our purpose, then our kids are no longer inhibitors of fulfilling
00:32:07.080
that purpose, but part of fulfilling that purpose. Parenting them in love, in edification, is a way that
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we glorify God, which is what we are all as believers called to do first and foremost. Okay,
00:32:19.940
that concludes this episode. I hope that you guys enjoyed it. If you love Relatable, please leave me
00:32:27.460
a five-star review on Apple Podcasts. That would mean so much. And if you have not subscribed to my
00:32:33.960
YouTube channel, Allie Beth Stuckey, yet, please do so. I will see you guys back here on Wednesday.