Relatable with Allie Beth Stuckey - Ep 237 ｜ Toxic Mommy Culture

00:00:00.000 Hey guys, welcome to Relatable Happy Monday. I hope everyone had a great Easter weekend

00:00:05.320 celebrating with your families in whatever non-traditional ways that you got to celebrate

00:00:10.640 this weekend. Today we are talking about toxic mommy culture. This is a topic that a lot of you

00:00:16.340 have been asking me to address more thoroughly. We've talked about it on the podcast before,

00:00:21.620 but I'm going to tell you what it is, why it's bad, and why we as Christian women should avoid it.

00:00:28.380 Uh, now if you are listening on Monday, you know that this podcast episode is out a little bit

00:00:33.320 later than usual. There were some technical difficulties, so I apologize for that. I

00:00:37.740 actually had to record it, um, a second time because the audio was out on the first one. So

00:00:42.960 anyway, sorry for the delay there, but I'm so excited to get into the subject that a ton of

00:00:48.740 you have been requesting that we dive into more deeply. Okay, let's get into toxic mommy culture. 1.00

00:00:55.300 Uh, what is toxic mommy culture? This is a term that I made up, or at least I think I made it up. 0.99

00:01:02.420 I'm sure other people somewhere have said this phrase before, but I think that I came up with

00:01:08.320 it. Toxic mommy culture. It is what I use to describe the trendy malice expressed by parents 0.91

00:01:14.620 about their kids on Twitter. Uh, let me tell you what I am talking about and what I'm not talking

00:01:20.500 about just so we can be clear. Let me start with what I'm not talking about when I say toxic mommy

00:01:26.800 culture. So what is not toxic mommy culture is saying motherhood is hard. That's not toxic mommy 0.50

00:01:34.000 culture or asking for help or advice, voicing your worries or your fears or your stressors when it

00:01:40.460 comes to motherhood, talking about needing a break or a time of refreshment or rest, uh, being honest

00:01:48.000 about the real challenges of raising children. That's not toxic laughing about something your

00:01:53.720 children said or did joking about not having it all together or even, you know, poop explosions or

00:01:59.760 all the non glamorous parts of motherhood. These are not part of what I consider toxic mommy culture. 1.00

00:02:05.920 Of course, every situation and everything that said online is different and requires us to look at

00:02:11.440 tone and context and things like that. But just upfront, I'm not talking about, uh, I'm not talking

00:02:17.260 about vulnerability and transparency and lighthearted humor when it comes to talking about motherhood

00:02:23.820 online. I think that these can all be done on social media in a way that's lighthearted. It's fun.

00:02:29.160 It's funny and edifying. When I talk about toxic mommy culture, I am not indicting, like I said,

00:02:34.960 vulnerability and transparency. I am condemning meanness, malice, disrespect, and what even may

00:02:43.620 very well be considered bullying and emotional abuse. This word toxic is used a lot nowadays in this

00:02:50.920 whole, uh, what I call the trendy narcissism culture, the culture of self-love to say, okay, if you have a

00:02:58.600 toxic relationship, you need to cut it out. What I mean by toxic is that it is infecting you. It is

00:03:07.440 bringing you down. It is making you, your thoughts, your life, your relationships worse. It is tearing

00:03:14.960 things down rather than building things up. So that's what I mean by toxic. So toxic mommy culture 1.00

00:03:20.800 includes, but it's not limited to, and this is just my own personal definition. Other people might have

00:03:27.040 different definitions, but it's my personal definition in light of what the Bible says about

00:03:31.900 motherhood and raising children and things like that. So toxic, non-edifying, non-building up,

00:03:37.740 non-encouraging mommy culture is including, but not limited to calling your kids names online.

00:03:44.860 A-hole seems to be a prevalent one that people just think is hilarious nowadays, but also calling your

00:03:49.340 kids brats, jerks, things like that. Uh, talking about how your kids are driving you to alcoholism,

00:03:55.420 pointing out that you hate spending time with your kids, or they're holding you back

00:03:59.940 from doing all the things that you want to do. You hate having them in the house and you just can't

00:04:04.440 wait for them to go away. All of this by the way also applies to how a lot of women talk about their 1.00

00:04:11.020 spouses online. And it is almost always wives complaining about these things. Wives complaining 0.86

00:04:18.360 about their husbands. Moms complaining about their kids. Not always, but often, um, are sinful and

00:04:24.040 incessant need to nag as women seems to be spilling over onto social media. And let me tell you, 0.96

00:04:30.100 it ain't pretty. And that is why I am talking about toxic mommy culture. There are social media

00:04:36.220 accounts that are dedicated to this kind of stuff. Not all the posts on these accounts, like scary

00:04:41.480 mommy, for example, are bad, but there is a theme to most of them. And it's this, that I am a victim

00:04:47.740 of motherhood. I am strung out. I am stressed out. I am put out. I deserve better. I'm entitled to

00:04:54.980 recognition and vacation, and I'm not getting these things. So I'm bitter. That's the theme of most of

00:05:02.240 these posts, these degrading posts about kids and toxic posts about motherhood. All of this is

00:05:08.980 presented usually under the guise of humor. And as I have learned in my experience, if you call this out,

00:05:16.060 if you point out, even from a Christian perspective, that a Christian perspective, that this kind of

00:05:22.620 attitude is unhelpful, is hurtful and unbiblical, you will be met with a cacophony of defenses. You 0.96

00:05:31.640 will hear things like, lighten up. It's just a joke. Moms just need a place where they can vent and voice 1.00

00:05:38.000 their frustrations. Or why don't you give these moms some grace rather than telling them their reactions 1.00

00:05:44.320 are wrong? Stop being so judgmental. Or my personal favorite, just wait. Just wait till you have

00:05:50.820 teenagers. Just wait till you have more kids. Just wait till you are met with X, Y, Z challenge. Just

00:05:56.880 wait. Then you will understand and you will start talking like this about your kids. And instead of

00:06:02.980 just discounting these defenses of toxic mommy culture, instead of just writing them off, I'm going

00:06:08.520 to address them one by one. Because some of this pushback is legitimate or it's at least understandable

00:06:15.620 and it's worth answering. And I will use my responses to these justifications of toxic mommy culture

00:06:21.480 to make my argument against it. First defense of toxic mommy culture is it's just a joke. Okay. I love

00:06:30.800 jokes. Like I can take a joke. I am not easily offended by jokes, even if jokes are targeted towards me or a

00:06:37.160 demographic or a group that I represent. I have a very deep appreciation for jokes, for jabs, for sarcasm,

00:06:43.880 and even some good-hearted cynicism when the time is right. But, but not at the expense of those who

00:06:53.040 can't defend themselves. That's not humor. That's bullying. And there is nothing that I hate more than

00:07:00.500 bullying. Think about this. The only reason you as a parent, and I'm talking universal you because I'm

00:07:07.000 sure most of you listening to this podcast don't engage in toxic mommy culture online. The reason

00:07:12.820 that you, who this might apply to as a parent, feel so bold and brazen calling your kids brats online or

00:07:20.800 saying that you are dreading spending time with them during quarantine is because they can't read.

00:07:27.360 And if they can read, you don't care if they see it or not because you have power and authority over

00:07:32.600 them. Or like in the case of women complaining about their husbands online, you just don't care 0.98

00:07:37.200 what they think. You would never say these things that you say about your kids or your spouse, about

00:07:42.840 your neighbor publicly, or your friend publicly, or your boss publicly, or people whose opinions that

00:07:48.740 you care about and whose feelings you don't want to hurt because they might be able to retaliate in

00:07:53.500 some way. In most cases, kids are helpless. And by calling them names online or saying how much

00:07:59.860 you dislike them, you are exploiting their helplessness and dependence on you. Now, you

00:08:05.760 might say, Allie, it ain't that Z. Come on. They're just funny memes. They're nothing more than that. We

00:08:11.740 just laugh and we scroll on. But again, humor is humor. Funny memes are funny memes. But bullying

00:08:19.220 isn't funny. What other class of helpless people is it acceptable to publicly call names and talk badly

00:08:26.060 about a people with special needs, the elderly, the poor, if there were accounts dedicated to how

00:08:32.600 burdensome special needs people are, we'd probably think it was in bad taste, right? Like we'd actually

00:08:37.780 probably think it's immoral. And we might even take steps to get that account taken down. And yet,

00:08:43.540 it's become trendy, funny to demean other vulnerable, another vulnerable group of people, children to get a

00:08:51.480 laugh. Think about it. If there were hundreds of accounts dedicated to how terrible wives and women 1.00

00:08:57.300 are, like how dumb and annoying and dramatic and bratty and needy women are, how exhausting we are, 1.00

00:09:02.940 how men can't wait till we're gone or to get out of the house so we're not bothering them. And there

00:09:08.680 probably are social media accounts like this. But like, what would we say to these? We would laugh,

00:09:14.560 maybe, but we'd also probably agree that it's sexist, that it's rude, that it's not helpful to

00:09:20.900 society at all, that it's not edifying, right? We probably wouldn't say, oh, well, it's fine. Like,

00:09:27.260 it's fine if lots of men voice these opinions publicly and become influencers based on their

00:09:31.520 sexism. We'd probably see these people, these guys that start accounts like this as scumbags.

00:09:36.980 We'd probably wonder if they were really decent people. We probably would say, well, maybe the

00:09:41.260 problem is with you as a husband and not with your wife if you're constantly complaining or she's

00:09:45.580 constantly nagging you. We'd probably start having those thoughts. We'd probably wonder if this kind of

00:09:50.440 pervasive attitude contributes to society's general view of women. And we would be right 1.00

00:09:57.040 to wonder all of these things if these accounts exist or did exist. So no, I don't think all of

00:10:05.100 the memes about kids being chicken nugget eating brats are as innocuous as you think they are.

00:10:11.160 And from a biblical perspective, Ephesians 4 29 says,

00:10:14.600 let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up as fits

00:10:22.080 the occasion that it may give grace to those who hear. Now, this is a verse that I, I personally can

00:10:29.440 certainly put into practice better and more regularly, not in relation to this topic specifically,

00:10:34.800 but in general, certainly in online conversations about politics and disagreements and things like

00:10:40.700 that. But it absolutely also applies to the things that we say about our families, especially publicly

00:10:47.420 privately too, but especially publicly, the things we say should be good for building up as that verse

00:10:54.260 says. Pushback number two, when I say toxic mommy culture is bad and we shouldn't engage with it. 1.00

00:10:59.560 A pushback that I hear is moms need a place where they can vent their frustrations. Well, yes and no. 1.00

00:11:07.500 Um, as women, I think we need to be a lot more thoughtful about what we decide to quote vent. 0.92

00:11:15.040 What I notice in a lot of us in many different kinds of situations is that we use this, sorry,

00:11:22.500 I just need to vent as an excuse for saying things that we know we shouldn't say things that we know

00:11:29.280 aren't glorifying to the Lord things we know don't qualify as what's good for building others up things

00:11:35.420 that would be really hurtful if the person that we're talking about heard them, including our kids.

00:11:39.740 Um, it's kind of like when we excuse gossip by saying, Oh, I'm just, I'm just worried about her.

00:11:45.020 Or, Oh, I would say this to her face. So it's not gossip. We're all guilty of that, but we know the

00:11:49.980 truth that we're still gossiping. Or it's like when we say something rude to someone followed by like,

00:11:55.020 no offense, or just bless her heart. Uh, venting does not give us an excuse to sin. It's not a

00:12:01.900 justification for slander or bullying or tearing down or hatefulness. And again, I have absolutely

00:12:07.740 been guilty of this in the past in other areas, but venting does not provide a justification for

00:12:14.540 unfit, for hateful, or for mean words. Uh, Jesus condemning the Pharisees said this in Matthew 12,

00:12:22.180 34 through 37 for out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks the good person out of his good

00:12:28.380 treasure brings forth good. And the evil person out of his evil treasure brings forth evil. I tell you

00:12:33.900 on the day of judgment, people will give account for every careless word they speak for by your words,

00:12:39.340 you will be justified. And by your words, you will be condemned. Jesus leader says in Matthew 15,

00:12:45.260 and he called the people to him and said to them here and understand it is not what goes into the

00:12:51.020 mouth that defiles a person, but what comes out of his mouth, this defiles a person. What comes out of

00:12:56.700 the mouth proceeds from the heart and this defiles a person for out of the heart come evil thoughts,

00:13:02.380 murder, adultery, sexual immorality, theft, false witness, slander. These are what defile a person.

00:13:09.340 So out of the heart just says the mouth speaks. So we should all ask ourselves, uh, why are we saying

00:13:15.460 the things that we're saying? They don't mean nothing. These words don't mean nothing. They mean

00:13:19.820 something. Are we bad mouthing our kids online because we hate them because we don't like them? If

00:13:27.340 so, that's a heart problem. That's a you problem, not a kid problem, a you problem fundamentally. And

00:13:33.420 ultimately, uh, are we doing it because we want attention and affirmation? This I think is typically

00:13:38.540 the main reason why people engage in toxic mommy culture. If so, that's a heart problem. Or are we 0.91

00:13:44.620 doing it because we feel envy, uh, towards single people, people without kids, people who seem to have

00:13:50.260 it easier, or maybe because, uh, we covet other people's kids, their husbands or their financial

00:13:56.120 situations. If so, that's a heart problem. The mean spirited tearing down of kids, even in the name

00:14:02.980 of humor is not an indication of your circumstances, but of your heart. So it's not an indication of how bad

00:14:10.140 your kids are, how lazy or unhelpful your husband is, how difficult quarantine is. It's an indication

00:14:16.100 of something that is going on in your heart. It's an indication of sin. Your resentment toward your

00:14:22.960 kids is a heart issue. Your bitterness toward your husband is a heart issue. Your desire for attention

00:14:30.780 or affirmation from strangers on the internet or friends in your phone, this is a heart issue. Now, this

00:14:37.480 does not mean that your kids aren't behaving badly or that your husband isn't lazy. They might be these

00:14:43.540 things. And these things might not be your fault. You might actually have it really hard. I'm not

00:14:49.700 discounting that. But your public venting sessions where you are calling your kids and your spouse's

00:14:54.680 names is an effort to tear them down to build yourself up. And that is pride. That is sin. And not only

00:15:02.040 that, but I'm telling you, it's not going to help because you have deeper heart level needs that may

00:15:08.040 be numbed by your social media bashing, but will not be healed. The only person that can help you

00:15:15.120 repent of your resentment and bitterness and selfish need for attention is the God who made you. And this

00:15:22.200 God sees you. He hears you. He knows how hard you have it. However hard you have it. He knows what

00:15:28.260 challenges and obstacles you face. First Peter 5, 7 tells us to cast all our anxieties, all our cares

00:15:34.440 on the Lord because he cares for us. The reason why you bring your requests and your concerns to God

00:15:42.840 in gratitude and humility, not in bitterness or anger or entitlement, is because yes, he cares for you, but he

00:15:49.520 can also do something about these things. He can also help you. He can supply you with the strength and the

00:15:56.260 joy and the wisdom you need. Memes cannot do that. A like on social media will not do that. Those people

00:16:03.500 that are a part of that mom group that you're on that you're using to vent cannot do that. The friend

00:16:08.240 egging you on over text message in your venting session cannot do that. Now again, seeking wisdom

00:16:15.420 from our friends, very good. Asking for encouragement from friends or even that mom's group that you're a part

00:16:21.280 of on Facebook, good. Being transparent and vulnerable about the difficulty of motherhood,

00:16:26.220 absolutely. But using venting as an excuse for gossiping and bad-mouthing your family,

00:16:32.660 it's unhelpful and it's unfit both for you and those who see inherent. Next defense I hear of toxic

00:16:39.980 mommy culture. Give these moms venting about their kids in mean ways some grace instead of pointing out 1.00

00:16:46.680 the flaws in toxic mommy culture. Don't be so judgmental. Well, you are right in that a lot of

00:16:54.200 the moms engaging in this kind of online rhetoric may be really struggling and they're looking for 1.00

00:16:59.320 people to relate to. They're looking for some reprieve, maybe some encouragement. And maybe their

00:17:04.080 kids, like I acknowledged, really are wild. Maybe their husband really is inattentive and unhelpful and

00:17:09.700 annoying. So maybe this mom really is completely overwhelmed by motherhood. All of this can be true. 1.00

00:17:16.480 At the same time as it is true that some speech is edifying and some speech is objectively degrading

00:17:24.280 and that the effects of the things that we say about kids matters. That some of these things are

00:17:30.060 hurtful, they're unhelpful, and they contribute to the larger culture of hatred toward or at least

00:17:36.440 apathy toward children that is so rampant today. I think the vast majority of moms who engage in this 0.97

00:17:44.240 kind of toxic online behavior love their kids and are probably nothing like their online persona in

00:17:51.900 real life. But again, the question is, why are you doing it? What good is it doing? And do you find

00:17:59.820 yourself taking on this online persona of entitlement and bitterness? And is that helping your family or is

00:18:06.380 it hurting? Do you find yourself looking for opportunities to create a situation in which your

00:18:11.260 child acts like a brat so you can chronicle it for laughs later? If so, again, who is that helping?

00:18:19.780 And I would challenge you to ask the Lord to examine what is in your heart as we should all be doing in

00:18:25.320 all things. Ask him to examine what is in your heart that is making you feel the need to do this kind of

00:18:31.980 thing. And there absolutely is forgiveness and grace and understanding and love for you that only your

00:18:38.260 creator can give, but there will also be a call to repentance. Because remember, out of the abundance

00:18:45.000 of the heart, the mouth speaks. And then finally, what I probably hear most often when I bring up toxic

00:18:53.320 mommy culture and just how damaging it is, is just wait. That's what I hear. Just wait. Just wait till 1.00

00:18:59.800 you have more kids. Just wait till you have toddlers. Wait till you have preteens. Wait till you have

00:19:04.240 teenagers. Then you'll see why moms talk like this and you'll probably do it too. And you are right in 0.68

00:19:10.440 that. I have no idea what you are going through. I have one baby and I'm not going to lie. She is

00:19:15.460 pretty incredible. I have no idea what it's like to have twins or triplets or to have toddlers or to

00:19:20.360 have teenagers or two, three, four, five kids. I don't know. I don't know what it's like to have

00:19:25.580 kids with special needs. I don't know what it's like to have a husband who doesn't help. I don't know

00:19:30.100 what it's like to be a single mom. I don't know what it's like to be a mom who works 80 hours of

00:19:35.080 the week outside of the home. I can go on and on about the kinds of moms that have it harder than 1.00

00:19:40.340 I do. I could talk forever about all of the things that I've yet to experience as a mom that I've yet

00:19:45.100 to learn about motherhood. There are many of you listening who know exponentially more than I do

00:19:52.600 about being a mom. So I don't come at this subject of toxic mommy culture as an expert on 0.98

00:19:58.400 motherhood. I'm not. I come at this from a perspective of a Christian who knows what the

00:20:04.260 Bible says about children as an observer of culture and as a commentator on the lies being fed to women 0.99

00:20:11.780 by our culture. This lie and other lies that you are a victim of motherhood. I also come at this as

00:20:18.120 someone who is fortunate enough to be around moms of three kids, four kids, five kids, kids with special

00:20:24.820 needs and they all have different parenting styles. They've all gone through their tough times and I'm

00:20:29.560 sure they would tell you that they have gone through their hard moments and and mistakes that

00:20:33.660 they've made. But all of the moms I know do their jobs with gratitude and joy. And so I know what a

00:20:41.640 righteous attitude looks like in moms who have it much harder than I do and who might, who might 0.74

00:20:47.760 also have it harder than you do. It is a judgment of the kind of negative culture and behavior

00:20:55.980 surrounding motherhood that I am engaging in. And yes, I am judging that kind of behavior as wrong

00:21:06.280 and as harmful. Bitterness is fanned into flame and creates more contentment, more envy, more

00:21:13.680 unhappiness in this kind of online conversation and culture. And it also has an effect on our

00:21:20.500 culture at large, a culture which already places a low value on children. It exacerbates this feeling

00:21:27.740 that children are a burden and that they can be discarded at any point in pregnancy as long as

00:21:33.540 it's convenient. And this transitions me into my offensive points. So those are my defensive points

00:21:41.820 against what are attempts at justifying toxic mommy culture. And here are my offensive points about

00:21:48.900 why toxic mommy culture is bad and wrong and probably a little bit offensive too, to some people. 1.00

00:21:55.020 Number one, yes, as I was just stating, I do believe that toxic mommy culture contributes to abortion 1.00

00:22:02.280 culture. How could it not? How could it not contribute to that mentality when teachers, when teenagers,

00:22:08.560 sorry, and young women see moms constantly complaining about having kids, do you think that parenting 1.00

00:22:15.140 sounds appealing to them? Or do you think that it terrifies them? It's the latter. There's no doubt about

00:22:20.840 that. I also believe that it probably encourages apathy, antipathy, and even forms of abuse towards

00:22:26.580 children. If moms feel like they are validated in their deep-seated resentment and even sometimes hate of their 0.62

00:22:33.560 kids, why would they try to hide these things? Number two, it is disrespectful to engage in this

00:22:41.640 kind of behavior, not just to your kids, not just to your family, but also to those who want kids and

00:22:47.120 haven't been able to have them. There are millions of men and women, it's always important for us to be

00:22:52.580 reminded of this, there are millions of men and women who would give anything to be doing the late

00:22:58.080 night wake-ups, the dozen diaper changes, the temper tantrums, the helping with homework, but it hasn't

00:23:03.480 happened for them yet. They have emptied their bank accounts, they have spent hours on their knees

00:23:08.180 praying, they have waited years on adoption lists, all to get a chance at having the same experiences

00:23:14.140 that you right now are complaining about. Now, that does not mean that you don't have the right, that

00:23:21.080 we don't have the right to acknowledge hardship in parenting. Whether you have one kid or you have

00:23:26.040 seven kids, we can say when things are difficult, we can be tired, we can be stressed, we can feel

00:23:31.220 like we don't know what we're doing, we can confide in a friend, we can ask for help, we can pray to

00:23:35.580 God for strength. Of course, none of these things mean that we're not thankful for our kids just when

00:23:40.600 we're being honest, but remember to be thankful for your kids and don't let vulnerability, which is

00:23:47.800 good, turn into grumbling, which is bad and a sin. Philippians 2 14 through 15 says, do all things

00:23:54.240 without grumbling or disputing, that you may be blameless and innocent, children of God without

00:23:59.300 blemish in the midst of a crooked and twisted generation, among whom you shine as lights in the 0.99

00:24:04.720 world, holding fast to the word of life, to the word of life, so that in the day of Christ, I may be

00:24:10.320 proud that I did not run in vain or labor in vain. Our lack of grumbling and complaining is a

00:24:17.520 characteristic of being children of God. It helps us shine as light in the midst of darkness, which leads to my

00:24:23.120 third point, which is the most important point. Number three, viewing children as brats and burdens

00:24:29.240 is unbiblical. This is the third and most important reason why toxic mommy culture is wrong and we 1.00

00:24:35.260 shouldn't have a part of it. If we see secular society sound a certain way or say certain things,

00:24:42.380 our first reaction should never be to mimic it as Christians. If society tells us that kids are 0.78

00:24:48.880 brats and burdens, instead of agreeing, instead of nodding our heads and joking along with them,

00:24:54.260 we should ask ourselves, hang on, the world is saying this. Is this what God says? Is this what

00:24:59.700 God says about kids? Is this what God says about parenting? Because as Christians, we don't care what

00:25:05.320 other moms say that motherhood is. We don't care what memes say that motherhood is. We don't care what 1.00

00:25:10.060 celebrities say that motherhood is. The question is, what does God say that motherhood is? The one who

00:25:15.020 created it. The one who tells us what to think and how to act. And the Bible says that kids are not 0.92

00:25:20.760 brats. They're not burdens, but they are blessings. That doesn't mean that they don't sometimes act

00:25:25.600 bratty. It doesn't mean that sometimes they don't have bad behavior and that motherhood isn't hard, 0.91

00:25:29.740 but that children innately are blessings to us. Psalm 127, three through five says,

00:25:36.840 behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb, a reward. Like arrows in the hand of a

00:25:43.120 warrior are the children of one's youth. Blessed is the man who fills his quiver with them. Jesus also

00:25:50.040 used the innocence, the trusting nature, the eagerness of children as a representation of what

00:25:56.320 our faith should look like. Mark 10, 13 through 15 says, and they were bringing children to him that

00:26:02.600 he might touch them and the disciples rebuked them. But when Jesus saw it, he was indignant and said to

00:26:07.720 them, let the children come to me. Do not hinder them for to such belongs the kingdom of God.

00:26:12.560 Truly I say to you, whoever does not receive the kingdom of God like a child shall not enter it. 0.99

00:26:18.520 Jesus made these children. He loves them. He sees them as precious. Throughout the Bible,

00:26:23.520 we see that God is the giver of children, that he creates us fearfully and wonderfully in our

00:26:28.840 mother's womb, that life starts at conception and it is precious from then onward. And let me tell you,

00:26:36.440 from a first time, relatively inexperienced mom, motherhood is a blessing. Any of you who have been

00:26:43.780 negatively affected by people who say kids hold you back or inhibit you or stop you from fulfilling

00:26:49.800 your dreams or they take too much of you, don't listen to that. You will experience in parenthood

00:26:55.980 a love that you have never felt in your life. And I know that it is a tough road ahead. For me,

00:27:04.160 for anyone as a parent, I was a strong-willed child. I was an even stronger-willed teenager.

00:27:09.300 My parents had a rough go of it. I understand the road of parenting is never easy and that there

00:27:14.920 are times to weep over it, to struggle with it, to ask for help with it, to not know what to do with

00:27:20.420 it. But there is never a time to bully our children behind their backs online for a like or a laugh.

00:27:26.460 And again, I want to reiterate because I know I'm going to get at least one comment on this

00:27:33.120 on YouTube or something. Someone is still going to discount all of the caveats that I've put in

00:27:39.700 this and say that I'm being judgmental and that I'm trying to say that women should just be faked

00:27:44.460 and pretend that parenting is perfect and easy. And I'm not. I am not advocating for being fake or

00:27:50.180 pretending that things are going perfectly. Confess your struggles and your sins to the Lord,

00:27:54.260 to trusted friends, ask for help and for wisdom while keeping in mind something important and

00:27:59.060 true. You are not a victim of motherhood. You are a beneficiary of it. Words matter. Attitudes

00:28:05.520 matter. That scary mommy Instagram page might be funny, but is it helpful? Is it really helping you

00:28:11.860 or is it making you more bitter? Is it helping society or is it adding to the negative noise?

00:28:17.800 Toxic mommy culture is a subsidiary of what I call the culture of self-affirmation or trending 0.95

00:28:24.180 narcissism as we've talked about many times on this podcast. And these two subjects, like I said,

00:28:30.940 are interlaced. They're interlocked. And this is something that I wrote a book about. Actually,

00:28:36.740 you're not enough. And that's okay. Escaping the toxic culture of self-love comes out August 11th.

00:28:41.940 You can go ahead and pre-order that on Amazon if you would like. Trendy narcissism is this mythical

00:28:47.720 idea that if you love yourself more, you'll be happy. That if you put yourself first,

00:28:52.420 you'll be satisfied. That if you care for yourself better, you will find purpose and peace. That

00:28:57.120 you're really the center of your universe and everyone else is in your orbit. And it encourages

00:29:02.420 this sense of entitlement. Entitlement to your wants and your space and your dreams. But the truth is

00:29:09.100 the fact of the matter from a biblical perspective, we're not entitled to these things. Yes, we need

00:29:15.100 rest. God made us this way and dictates our rest and commands that we find refuge in him. And yes,

00:29:20.760 there are things that we like to do, things that make us happy that we should do and engage in

00:29:25.860 whenever we can. But our children are not getting in the way of the things that we are entitled to.

00:29:31.920 And viewing them as such will make us bad parents and miserable people because it will make us

00:29:36.580 bitter. Pride is always the author of bitterness. A toxic mommy culture is based on pride, on what you 1.00

00:29:44.020 deserve, on the affirmation and attention that you think that you are entitled to. I saw a post

00:29:50.620 on a mom's group on Facebook of a mom calling her eight-month-old an a-hole because he wouldn't stop

00:29:55.720 screaming and crying. She called herself a terrible mom and said, sorry, I just needed to vent. And all

00:30:00.840 the comments assured her, no, you're not a bad mom. You are doing your best. You're doing a great job.

00:30:06.180 And I'm just afraid, looking at this conversation that I did not even engage in at all, I'm afraid

00:30:11.800 in many cases that this is the reason why moms use such harsh language against their kids and even 1.00

00:30:18.540 themselves is because they want to be puffed up. They need their ego to be stroked. But ultimately,

00:30:24.320 this doesn't help anyone. The truth is, the hard truth is, we don't know if this person is a good mom.

00:30:29.940 Like, we don't need to puff her up with empty platitudes. We need to remind her of the truth,

00:30:34.040 of the truth that it is understandable to be going through a hard time right now,

00:30:38.260 but that God can give her the strength to do her job, which is to steward her blessing of having

00:30:43.280 a child. A toxic mommy culture, just like the larger cults of self-affirmation, trendy narcissism,

00:30:50.380 all seek to elevate the self. And it should tell us something that its participants are always

00:30:55.300 complaining, they're always blaming, and they're never fully, finally happy. Remember, none of the

00:31:02.880 answers that you are searching for are found inside yourself, because the self can't be both the

00:31:09.520 problem and the solution. That's why you see these that are obsessed with the self are often very up

00:31:16.520 and down in their emotions. They're always looking for the next thing or the next 10-step program or

00:31:22.080 relationship or book that will make them feel better, and it helps for a little bit, and then it fades.

00:31:27.940 The burdens and the worries and the concerns of toxic mommy culture and trendy narcissism are heavy,

00:31:34.300 but the good news is that Jesus's burdens are light. His yoke is easy. He calls us to self-denial,

00:31:41.700 to self-forgetfulness, not to self-obsession. And self-denial might sound scary, but it actually

00:31:47.880 frees us from the discontentment and constant striving for attention and affirmation that comes

00:31:53.120 with self-worship. When Jesus is the center of our lives, when we make pleasing him and glorifying him

00:31:59.340 our number one priority, when he is our purpose, then our kids are no longer inhibitors of fulfilling

00:32:07.080 that purpose, but part of fulfilling that purpose. Parenting them in love, in edification, is a way that

00:32:13.600 we glorify God, which is what we are all as believers called to do first and foremost. Okay,

00:32:19.940 that concludes this episode. I hope that you guys enjoyed it. If you love Relatable, please leave me

00:32:27.460 a five-star review on Apple Podcasts. That would mean so much. And if you have not subscribed to my

00:32:33.960 YouTube channel, Allie Beth Stuckey, yet, please do so. I will see you guys back here on Wednesday.

Relatable with Allie Beth Stuckey - April 13, 2020

Ep 237 ｜ Toxic Mommy Culture

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