Ep 268 ｜ How Christians Can Navigate the Growing LGBTQ & Fatherless Culture ｜ Guest： Jim Daly
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Summary
Jim Daly of Focus on the Family joins me to talk about the recent Supreme Court ruling on same-sex marriage, fatherlessness, and the impact of fatherlessness in the modern world. He also talks about his new book, "You're Not Enough and That's Okay: Escaping the Toxic Culture of Self-Love."
Transcript
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Hey guys, welcome to Relatable. Happy Monday. So I'm so excited about this conversation
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that I'm having today with Jim Daly of Focus on the Family. We are indeed going to talk
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about the family. We are going to talk about the recent Supreme Court ruling and what we
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can do in the midst of this, especially as parents looking to equip our children and
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to love our neighbor well in what feels like a time of uncertainty and chaos in a lot of
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ways. And then we're also going to talk about fatherlessness and why that's a problem, what
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it means, and again, how we as Christians can kind of run into that problem and a lot of
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the problems that are surrounding us with the love of Christ. Before we get into that, I
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do want to tell you guys. So my book, You're Not Enough and That's Okay, Escaping the Toxic
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Culture of Self-Love. My husband and I even have like a little song that we sing with the
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title, but I'm not going to sing that for you today. It's just not quite prepared for you.
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I haven't warmed up my voice and I don't think that you want to hear that, but that is the
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title of my book. It comes out August 11th. And if you want to pre-order the book, I would
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greatly appreciate that. All you have to do is go to my brand new website,
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alibethstucky.com book, and you can pre-order it right there. If you pre-order it and you
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send your proof of purchase, so your receipt from Amazon, for example, to alibestucky
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at penguinrandomhouse.com, you will be sent a free digital excerpt ASAP, so before the
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book actually comes out. And so I would love for you guys to order the book. This has been
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a labor of love for about two years now. This has been two years in the making and I could
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just not be more excited about you guys having it in your hands. So August 11th is when it
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comes out, go to alibestucky.com, pre-order my book, you get that excerpt. And one more
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thing about that is that also on the Women's Book Club with Ali Stucky on Facebook, we will
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be doing a study guide that is exclusive to the women who are in that Facebook group. So
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when the book comes out, when everyone gets the book, make sure you pre-order it so you
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can have the book when we actually start the book discussion. We are going to have a series
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series of book discussions with me. I'll be doing Facebook lives and videos and things
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like that and I will have this discussion guide which only you guys will get who are part of
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this Women's Book Club with Ali Stucky. So make sure you go ahead and join the book club
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now. We're reading 1984. You can just jump right on in or you can just wait until we start
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my book, You're Not Enough and That's Okay, Escaping the Toxic Culture of Self-Love. So just
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wanted to make sure that you guys knew that and make sure that you knew how excited I am
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and how ready I am for you guys to finally read it. Okay, without further ado, here is
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Jim Daly. Jim, thank you so much for joining me. It's great to be with you. Yes, if you
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could tell everyone who doesn't know who you are and what you do. Well, that's a big
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question. My name is Jim Daly and I work at Focus on the Family, which is basically a
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Christian-based marriage and parenting organization. And we have, you know, great
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reach broadcast that's been airing for a number of years, about 7 million listenership
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on that. And then globally, we have 13 offices around the world and probably about, I think
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the estimates of just over 100 million listeners in that environment.
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Well, I grew up listening to Focus on the Family when I was young. My mom loved Focus
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Yes. Well, I was just talking to her about that this morning. She was saying that when I
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was, you know, a child in the 90s, that it was mostly just talk radio. And so, of
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course, when you're five years old, you're like, oh my gosh, these people, I don't even
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know what they're talking about. But of course, I'm so thankful. And she got a lot of
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encouragement from it. And I'm sure I did too, whether I knew it or not. Can you talk to
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us first about the recent Supreme Court decision regarding so-called, you know, discrimination
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against LGBTQ people in the workplace? Just tell us kind of your thoughts on that decision
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and the implications of that for people who care about religious liberty, particularly
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Well, I think it's a difficult situation. I have, you know, a number of good connections
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in the LGBTQ activist community. And we talk, you know, almost every week about things that
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are going on. And I've seen that as part of my mission to reach out and develop these
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friendships because dialogue behind the scenes is really critical. And relationship is a powerful
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driver to move things. And I think that the difficulty at the high view here is the problem
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of somebody's rights have got to give way. And it's unfortunate, but it's just what I call
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the Gordian knot. It's the mythical knot that can't be undone. And, you know, if somebody's
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religious freedoms, religious rights are being exercised, that means others like the LGBTQ
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community and hiring practices and other things are giving way. And the same is true vice versa.
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So I don't know, you know, when you look at these court decisions, I think from the Christian
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perspective, if you're a traditional conservative Christian, you're reading the scripture for what
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it says, that Jesus himself saying, a man shall leave his mother and father and cleave to his wife
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and the two shall become one flesh. It's pretty straightforward what the Bible means in terms
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of the nuclear family. And it's just out of vote with some people in our culture right now. And I
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think we're going to continue to flip through this era and try to define things. And again, I'm not
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hopeless. I trust in God. His hand is on this. Things do not surprise him. And I'm trusting that God
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knows exactly what's happening here. I think one of the best things that could be the byproduct of
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this is that Christian convictions will become solid, more solid than they are right now. So the
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church is going to have to really understand what it is that it believes and then live it. And that's
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the best thing that we can do as Christians and do it in grace and kindness. Right? Right. I agree
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with that. And I think it's also just important for me to reiterate, even though we've talked about
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this on this podcast is that a lot of people had a problem with this decision, not because they
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necessarily think, whether they're Christian or not, that they want to discriminate against people
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in the LGBTQ arena. But is it the job of the Supreme Court to so-called, you know, legislate from the
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bench? Shouldn't this go through Congress? And so I think it's important also for us to make that
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distinction in the conversations that we have about these very understandably contentious and kind of
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emotionally charged issues. That distinction gets lost. It's just, okay, you're either for
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discrimination and you hate these people or you're against discrimination and you love them. But
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there's a little bit, you know, it's a little bit more complex and nuanced in the middle, wouldn't
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you say? Absolutely. And I think Alito's dissent said that squarely. I think the opening first
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sentence, he basically says it's wrapped up in one word, legislation, and that's not the role of the
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judicial branch. And that's one of the great difficulties. I actually had a meeting. I won't
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name that recently retired justice, but I was in a meeting with him just one-on-one. And we were
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talking about how rights are derived, et cetera. And he said, Jim, the problem is the Congress is too
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chicken to act. And our role is to decide up or down if a law is constitutional, but all these cases
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are bubbling up and we need to make a decision. Now, I understand the logic of that, but it still
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takes the judicial branch outside of their lane. Like you have well said, it's not their role to
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legislate, even if they have bubbling cases, they've got to leave that to the Congress, to the
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legislative branch. That's their role. And if the Congress is incapable of getting something passed,
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they should simply sit. And that's a benefit to society to continue the dialogue, the discussion,
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the battle over what should be law in this country. It should not be the bench's role to make those
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decisions like that. And that's the problem. And probably that is the heaviness of heart that I have
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is that our democracy is breaking down. And that's what people maybe don't understand. We're not
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acting in the role that each three parts of government have been given. And I think that
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when that breaks down, we have no recourse. What do we do?
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Right. I think a lot of Christians, they hear that and they feel hopeless and helpless. Like
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they already vote. So maybe they've got the representative that they want in office or
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maybe not. Either way, they voted and supported their candidate. And maybe they're even involved in
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the local level and they try to stay abreast of everything that's going on. And yet things like
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this are still happening. We obviously don't elect these justices and judges. And so what should
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Christians do in the midst of the breakdown of the democracy? I mean, what can we say? How can we
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petition the government? Do we protest? I mean, what does that look like?
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Man, those are all great questions. The one thing, you know, and I, I'll say this as a kid,
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troubled childhood, you know, I grew up as an orphan kid. The one thing I recognize in my relationship
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with Christ is I don't, I don't perceive or believe that God is a God of apathy. I just don't see that
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anywhere in scripture. He doesn't say, well, kick back and, you know, just relax. He's always calling us
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to the fruit of the spirit, love, joy, grace, peace, goodness, kindness, mercy. Those aren't good
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alley fight weapons, but those are the weapons that God gives us. So we have to act in that way
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to keep the character of Christ as believing Christians is to me most important. And then we've
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got to trust that the Lord has the outcome. So I would stay engaged and continue to fight, certainly
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express our concern about things like the Supreme Court going outside of their lane. This country was
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set up with very specific three branches of government, et cetera. We should be engaged.
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We should be calling our representatives, et cetera. We should let our voice be known, talk to our
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neighbors, those kinds of things. And there does seem to be a bit of fatigue that nothing is, is going
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our direction. So why don't we just give up? And I would just say, don't be, don't have an attitude
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of giving up. I don't think God honors that. We want to be engaged. We want to win people over to what
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it is we believe. Let me give you an example of that. I think the other day, Planned Parenthood
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came out with a slogan. And I've been talking to some of my friends that aren't believers in Jesus
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and just raising this as a question, which again, was a great tactic that Jesus used.
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But Planned Parenthood came out the other day saying, you know, for the, for the sake of Black Lives
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matters, we need to support Biden for president. And I thought, and they said, it's a, it's a matter,
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this election is a matter of life and death. Yeah. I saw that. They literally don't see the
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contradiction of that statement. It's, it's breathtaking. And, you know, we did that event
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in New York last year where we held a rally with about 20,000 people in Times Square. And we, you know,
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we kind of did a little pun with, with Saturday Night Live, live from New York. And we had our
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first three speakers were African-American, Alveda King and Christina Bennett and Benjamin Watson,
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the NFL player. And Benjamin, I think said, Hey, more babies were killed by Planned Parenthood in
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New York city last year than were born. I mean, the greatest, the greatest taker of Black life is
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Planned Parenthood. Right. And it just is breathtaking that the culture can't see that. And so we have to
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gently raise that question and raise that awareness and raise that truth while we stand firm in our
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convictions. And I think also that the national news and media kind of, it weighs us down so much
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to where we feel like we are paralyzed by fear and hopelessness. But in reality, if we kind of take our
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eyes a little bit off of, you know, what the national media is telling us most important and look right in
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front of us and see that the obedience that God is calling us to is not always necessarily, sometimes
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it is, it might be, but it's not always necessarily to start a movement or to have a million followers
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on Instagram or to have a big platform. But the persistent and the seemingly menial obedience of
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day-to-day Christians makes the difference that God calls us to make. I mean, we are finite human
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beings and I think our ability to be able to see all things and all problems at all times makes us
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feel like we're not, but we're finite and we were placed on a tiny spot of eternity and God has called
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us to be obedient in that. And that's what I try to remember Christians to do, be obedient in the
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things that are, you know, right before us. Like we can change diapers to the glory of God. We can invite
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people to church to the glory of God. Like we can serve in the nursery to the glory of God.
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All of these things God sees as major victories for his kingdom. It doesn't always look like a
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crusade. It might, but it doesn't always. Do you agree with that? I totally agree with that. And that
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you see that is replete in scripture. That's kind of it. I remember I was just sitting in my comfy
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chair one morning doing devotions, just myself. And what caught me is Peter in the garden and Stephen
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being stoned, the contrast of those two men and to, you know, Peter's defense, he had not yet been
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filled with the Holy spirit. Christ had not been raised up on the cross resurrection and the Holy
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spirit, spirit available for all who believe. So I give that defense of Peter, but man, what guy
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and probably some women today wouldn't strap on to defend the son of God in the garden. I mean,
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what an honor that would be to go after the guy that's about to arrest the son of God. You've been
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walking with them, but Jesus really rebuked Peter in that moment said, you live by the sword, you die
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by the sword. Uh, that is not my way. That's the way of the world in essence. And then you see the
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illustration of Stephen who, while he's being stoned to death by those who hated him, uh, he had the
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presence of mind to pray for them and ask God not to hold this against them. I think a human being can
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only do that with the spirit of God in their heart. And Peter, I fight that battle every day. I
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identify as Peter in the garden. I want to fight. And I think I've got to every day, put my flesh down
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and say, Lord, help me to be more like Stephen. And it's hard because it rises up in you when
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unjustness or injustice is being done from a Christian perspective, but we are called to live
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like Stephen. Right. And it's hard. I had a lunch with David Horowitz, the former communist. He's
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written a book about how Christianity is being stomped out by the left. I can't remember the exact
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title. He's not a Christian himself. And we're at lunch and he said, Jim, don't you realize you're
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in an alley fight and the other side has switchblades? I said, David, man, I get it, but we don't come to
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the alley fight with switchblades. We come with the fruit of the spirit, love, joy, peace, goodness. And he
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went, man, those aren't good weapons. And I, you know, but it worked. That's what the church did
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in the early centuries. People died for their faith. It spurred the faith on. More people became
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Christians. Think of the oddity of that. While people were being martyred and crucified, more
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became believers. That seems, you know, exactly opposite of what would happen. But we've got to
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trust that God's in control fundamentally, regardless of our circumstances and stay true and do what you
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said, just in your neighborhood, be engaged, do those good deeds so they'll honor your father in
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heaven. That's right out of scripture. When we pull back and all we do is shout and, you know,
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say words, it really does not make a difference. We must do the good deeds so they'll know who God is
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because of those good deeds. And using your example of Stephen, when we talk about, you know,
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not fighting in the same way that the other side fights, that doesn't mean laying down. That doesn't
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mean being cowardly and not sharing the truth and being bold. I mean, that's what Stephen did up until
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his death. That's why they killed him. Exactly. Him praying for his enemies wasn't, you know, an act of
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cowardice or acquiescence. And so I just want, you know, the audience to be able to make that
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distinction is that we are still called to carry the truth even when stones are being thrown at us.
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That is our so-called fight. And so when we say to kind of lay down our swords, we are just talking
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about, or at least I'm just talking about not fighting with the same kind of ferocity and the
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same kind of vengeance that we are seeing from the secular world towards us. Well, that is really well
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said. I'm glad you gave that caveat because I do mean that. You have to stand firm in truth and
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principle, but you have to do it in the fruit of the spirit. Because I think once you capitulate
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that, you're just fighting like the world would fight and you've lost your distinction in Christ.
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So it's true. I mean, we've got to calmly say, we do believe marriage is between a man and a woman.
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We understand that you're going to disagree because of all kinds of factors today, but this is what God
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has called us to do and to live out and to defend. And we think it is the best way. And even if the
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culture disagrees with me. And frankly, right now, a lot of people who are Christians are struggling
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with that definition as well because of the cultural onslaught today. I remember last year,
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we did bring your Bible to school and Drew Brees called us basically and said, can I give you a
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video that you can use? Yeah. We didn't solicit it. And he did a 30, 40 second video for us saying,
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hey kids, here's my favorite scripture. And it's great that you can take the Bible to school.
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And then LGBTQ activist groups just hammered him. Don't you know, you're working with a hate
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group. And I always ask people, give me, give me evidence of us being a hate group. We do defend
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traditional marriage, but we don't hate anybody. And I've got friends in that community that will
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come to my defense. And I think one of the things too, is that we tend to caricature each side. And
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one of the things when I started reaching out to the LGBT community is they thought of every
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Christian being like, uh, the Westboro Baptist attitude. They, they, they thought of that as
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monolithic. If you're Christian, that's your attitude. I said, I, I don't know anybody in
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the Christian community like them, but them. And I don't even believe they're Christian actually in
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their attitude. Certainly. And you know, that's between them and God, but the way they express
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the faith is not what I see in scripture. They were, their jaws were dropped open. You know,
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they were like, seriously. I said, yeah, but we have the same attitude, the other direction.
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There are some within the LGBTQ community that believe in religious liberty. It's not a, you
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know, it's not a big number, but they're there and we've got to not think of them in a monolithic
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way as well. So. You're absolutely right. Just to get down to the nitty gritty for, for one,
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for one second. I know that there are a lot of Christians out there who are thinking, okay,
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but what do I do in the specific situations to where, for example, you know, my daughter is,
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you know, she's playing soccer and she's on an all girl soccer team, but then they establish the
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school or the team establishes a rule that says, okay, well now we can't discriminate. If, you know,
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a boy who identifies as a girl wants to play on our team or play against our daughter, um, then
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that has to happen. Or, you know, the locker room bathroom situations that I know a lot of parents of
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young kids are thinking about, but they don't want to say anything because they don't want to lose
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their jobs. They don't want their child to be bullied. So in those kinds of situations,
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how can Christians be obedient while also, you know, showing the fruit of the spirit,
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like you're talking about? Yeah. I think, uh, equipping your children through dialogue and
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nurturing that dialogue, you know, talk to them about how to approach those things. Do you feel
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uncomfortable about this? If not, that's a whole set of discussions and questions you can ask,
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but if they do feel uncomfortable, are you willing to sit down with the coach and talk about that?
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Um, how far would you go to expressing your belief? You know, it's interesting. It's an excellent
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question because it goes to the very training of our children for when they become adults,
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particularly how they can live their lives in a way that exemplifies their faith in Christ. And I think
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right now the parenting responsibilities are so beyond just helping them to be a good student,
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to get into college, to have generally good moral character. That's now kind of basic and
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fundamental. Now they've got to be equipped with, uh, communication skills, debating skills
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that they can tear down an argument in a peaceful way with a friend that is coming at them from a
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different viewpoint. And that takes real skill in parenting. You've got to exhibit that yourself.
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You've got to be able to model that for your children. I can remember watching Hillary Clinton
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at the DNC convention. And I was sitting with my then 14 year old, who's now 17, Troy, and we're
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watching the convention because it's good. It's good to sit there. He had an interest in it. So we
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watched it. And there was a connection point where he, uh, was observing the convention and Hillary
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Clinton said, we need to defend a woman's right to choose. And the whole place erupted and standing
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ovation. I think very quickly, if not just the next statement, she talked about the need to support
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police departments and brave first responders. Nobody responded. It was like dead in the convention
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hall. My 14 year old looked at me and said, isn't that odd? They applaud death, but they don't applaud
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the people who protect us. And I went bang, he's got it. It just came out. It wasn't orchestrated.
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And we talked about that and, you know, his exhibiting a Christian worldview. That's what,
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that's what we're about. And we've got to be able to equip our kids to articulate that, to believe
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it deeply, fight for it, and, uh, do that again in the right nature, the right attitude toward those
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who don't believe the way we do. Yeah. And I couldn't agree. I couldn't agree more. I do think for
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some parents, you know, when their kids are young and they are put in a situation to where,
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you know, there might be some kind of policy that allows for mixed gender in, in bathrooms and
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locker rooms and sports teams and things like that, a lot of parents probably aren't going to sit down
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and ask their daughter if they're comfortable with that, but rather say, you know, it's my job to
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protect my daughter from this. And I do think that there is a way, uh, for parents to, uh, without,
00:23:01.800
like you said, judging an entire side or judging them as a monolith or being hateful, but to speak the
00:23:09.520
truth and love, not just to their children, but to other parents and to administrators, there is a
00:23:15.220
way to voice our concern, um, while still being loving and patient and kind and gentle, understanding
00:23:23.540
that if you voice those concerns, there will be still, there still are going to be people who call
00:23:28.340
you a bigot and, and call you hateful. But, um, your example of Steven is so right. You have to be
00:23:34.660
able to speak the truth and your charge is to protect your children. And I think there's a way
00:23:39.360
to do that with gentleness and love. Don't you think? Absolutely. And I love the idea of age
00:23:44.680
appropriate discussion around protection. I mean, that's core to any parent. And, uh, I think having
00:23:50.140
those discussions with your daughter, with your son, when you go into the bathroom as a seven,
00:23:54.400
eight year old, um, you know, just be mindful of the people in that bathroom and, you know,
00:24:00.140
here are things that could happen. You don't have to get into great detail, but just make them aware.
00:24:05.080
It's unfortunate. You know, we always hear the stories, you know, when I grew up in LA and this
00:24:09.780
is really true in the seventies, I mean, uh, we didn't lock our door. And so it's that same kind
00:24:16.960
of thing, you know, this is the way it used to be, but now there, there is evil in the world and
00:24:21.500
here's how evil is expressed and people can, uh, do bad things to other people. And you need to be aware
00:24:28.000
of that and, you know, have that discussion at the age appropriate level. Right. So those are good
00:24:33.540
things. And if you have the power in your local community to push back on some of the policies
00:24:38.820
that you disagree with, that's a wonderful part of living in representative democracy.
00:24:43.540
If we, you know, for as long as we possibly do. And so parents can't also be afraid of
00:24:48.660
bringing those concerns forward. Jim, something that you talk about a lot, so helpfully and effectively,
00:24:54.380
um, is the problem of fatherlessness. That is, um, unfortunately something that has plagued our
00:25:00.540
society for a long time and it doesn't seem to be, uh, getting better. Can you just talk to us
00:25:05.580
about the implications of that on society as a whole and, and what we can do to help?
00:25:11.560
Well, the empirical data is so strong here and this is where, you know, so often people will hurl
00:25:17.320
accusations at the Christian community that we don't believe in science and all these things just to,
00:25:22.280
you know, besmirch us that, you know, we, we do two things. We can chew gum and walk at the same
00:25:27.900
time. And that is, we can have a faith in Christ and we can look at science and interpret that in
00:25:32.480
that way. And I think many people fail to realize that many of the early scientists were rooted in,
00:25:37.920
in a relationship with Christ saying, we're discovering the creation that God has created.
00:25:42.720
And we do that through order. There's order in the universe, et cetera. So to get this down
00:25:47.080
to the statistics on fathering, it's an amazing thing. And, and the more engaged a father is in
00:25:53.520
the family, the healthier the family is. That's the best way to say it. A child who grows up in a
00:25:59.560
two parent home is twice as likely to finish school, high school, uh, five times as likely to go to
00:26:06.360
college. Uh, you know, there's just the data sets or, or there's not a negative direction.
00:26:12.420
So it shows you the importance of fatherhood. I think one of the most amazing ones for the
00:26:17.300
Christian community is when a father becomes a Christian, 93% of the family members will become
00:26:22.480
Christian. And when a mother does, and I think it's, it's not a besmirching of the moms, but mom's love
00:26:28.680
is almost taken for granted. I know many moms are going, yeah, that's true. You know, you just know
00:26:33.900
that mom loves you regardless of what you do. That's true. Dad is a wild card. And I think that's
00:26:38.800
the power of the father that when a dad is living, committed to Christ, think of that 93% of the
00:26:44.160
family members will come to Christ. When a mom becomes a Christian, I think it's like 27% of
00:26:48.900
family members. And it's just that leadership thing that when dad is committed, it ripples through
00:26:54.760
the family. When you look at pain in children that didn't have a dad, and my dad was an alcoholic.
00:27:00.740
He left my mom when I was five years old. So I lived on that side of it, which I hope gives hope to a
00:27:07.240
single parent mom for sure that just because your circumstances seem to be set, the outcome isn't
00:27:13.520
set. And your children grew up to be super healthy, productive people. And it's probably in large part
00:27:19.580
due to your love as a mom that over comes and compensates for that lack of a father. And then
00:27:25.980
good people in their lives, which I had football coaches and others that really took me under their
00:27:30.080
wing and showed me what it was to be a man and all those things. But we need as a society to do
00:27:37.060
all we can to strengthen marriages. And unfortunately, Senator Lankford even said to me not long ago,
00:27:42.260
he said, Jim, what I've noticed as a former youth pastor, by the way, in Oklahoma, he said,
00:27:47.180
what I've noticed is here in Washington, we know as the family gets weaker, government needs to become
00:27:53.960
stronger. And many in Washington support that. And isn't that a sad truth that with welfare and other
00:28:00.320
things that were meant to be a safety net, which could become a way of life,
00:28:04.220
end up destroying the family and the independent parts of what the family needs to do a father who
00:28:12.060
can provide and protect and do those things. It brings dignity to a dad to a man to be able to do
00:28:17.120
that. And, you know, right now in the in the black community, 77% of children born in that community
00:28:23.980
don't have a dad in the home, 77%. And then we look at all that is going on. And we fail to look at the
00:28:31.060
headwaters. You know, I live here in Colorado, I've hiked many times up to the headwaters of the
00:28:36.280
Colorado River, it's just a little bubbling creek, you can jump over. That's the problem, the headwaters
00:28:42.100
of the culture or the family, that's where you learn empathy, love, how to treat other people. And
00:28:47.500
when that's broken down, all hell is going to break loose. And I think to a degree, we're seeing that.
00:28:52.780
And we have a lot of strong forces, unfortunately, in this country, who not only disagree with
00:28:58.160
everything that you said, but adamantly fight against it, they see putting importance or a
00:29:04.900
priority on fatherhood is somehow, you know, bowing down to an oppressive patriarchy, which,
00:29:12.000
of course, we as Christians don't think the word patriarchy is bad. But there are people inside that
00:29:17.600
do and they don't believe that work adds any kind of moral purpose to someone's life. But basically,
00:29:24.380
whether you work or not, it's all the same, that it doesn't change your attitude, it doesn't change
00:29:30.300
your sense of purpose, it doesn't change your sense of morale. But we as Christians, we know that
00:29:35.840
these things are true, that everything that you just said is true. So what do we as Christians do
00:29:42.080
then in the face of these very strong, what I would call spiritual forces that are fighting against
00:29:47.100
everything that we know is good and right and true, not only for us, but also and especially for
00:29:53.740
the least of these in the country. Yeah, I think it's really important to be equipped to have that
00:29:59.020
discussion to talk about that, not to back away, not to be fearful. Again, the irony is for those
00:30:05.640
who oppose that concept, they tend to laud science, except when the science works against them. So point
00:30:11.520
that out, point that out gently. Here's the data, get familiar with the data sets. Here's one that is a
00:30:16.640
mind blower, a woman who is living with a boyfriend, if she has children in the home, that child is nine
00:30:23.280
times more likely to die at the hands of that boyfriend in that environment, because there's
00:30:28.740
no connection there. It almost seems animalistic. I get that. But think of that alone, a woman and
00:30:35.920
her children are at that higher risk with a live-in boyfriend. And that's terrifying if that
00:30:42.220
relationship goes sour. So knowing those data points, and then when you go to breakfast, and when
00:30:47.520
you're talking to your friend group, and all those kind of things, gently talk about that, you know,
00:30:53.540
that having an intact, loving family is really important. And, you know, here at Focus, we follow
00:30:59.020
all of that data. And one of the things we see that the best thing you could do to be in your parenting
00:31:04.180
is to love your spouse. Yeah. Because when children see a stable relationship, that gives them the peace,
00:31:10.940
the confidence, and the learning environment to become a better human being. So you want to be a
00:31:17.340
great parent, love your spouse, and demonstrate that in front of your kids. And I just want to
00:31:22.580
encourage people, too, that that doesn't mean that your marriage is perfect. That doesn't mean that
00:31:27.320
your kids, you know, never see you argue, or that you have to pretend like, you know, everything is
00:31:34.040
all together all the time. I have wonderful parents. And of course, I heard them argue growing up,
00:31:38.760
but just their persistent, not only love for each other, but their expression of affection and liking
00:31:44.720
of each other growing up, I think, filled me without knowing it, of course, with so much confidence and
00:31:51.180
a sense of stability and security that I know, helped me become and do what I do today. Just knowing
00:31:59.120
that you have that support system of, and you're able to say at the end of the day, whether you're a
00:32:03.560
young kid coming home from school, or whether you're an adult like I am, and you're, you know,
00:32:08.380
wrapping up a day of work, whatever it is, to know that, okay, even if everything else falls away,
00:32:14.340
like even if the career goes away, even if, you know, you had a bad day at school, you got picked
00:32:20.080
on, you got bad grades, your teacher got mad at you. If all of that happens, you still have that
00:32:26.300
bedrock of the family, you still have a security and a stability and parents who love you unconditionally,
00:32:31.760
and who supports you. I mean, that changes everything for a child's confidence, I think.
00:32:38.600
You're on it, man. We need to get you over here at Focus on the Family. But you're absolutely right.
00:32:43.960
I mean, that's it. And it's really not complicated. When children feel safe and secure,
00:32:48.720
they develop into really healthy people. And think of the, again, these families that are fractured and
00:32:54.740
broken and have had a lot of stress, you know, the end product is sometimes in trouble. And I remember
00:33:04.840
going to Israel with Ray Vanderlaan. We do a series with him called That the World May Know. And Ray is
00:33:09.760
a Jewish scholar. He knows the scriptures in a Eastern Jewish mindset, not a Western concept.
00:33:15.940
And when you walk with him in Israel, so many good things happen. And one of the main points he makes,
00:33:20.860
he said, Jesus is bringing shalom to chaos. And he expects the church to bring shalom to chaos.
00:33:28.420
That's what we sign up for. When sin entered this world, chaos entered this world. And you see it in
00:33:34.460
no greater place than in the family. And so when we as Christians engage our neighbor, engage our friends,
00:33:40.440
et cetera, our goal should be to bring shalom, God's peace to chaos. That's what we do. That's when we
00:33:47.720
bring some food to somebody who's hurting or good input on ideas and advice on how to deal with that
00:33:55.460
teenager that's out of control. We're bringing shalom to chaos. That's our manifesto. And it's
00:34:02.700
a beautiful thing to do. And just be equipped. I think that's one of the problems in the church.
00:34:07.060
We just are living life in a smaller way than we should be. And that's going to work and having a
00:34:12.220
good family and getting vacation in and enjoying one another. There's a whole nother thing. It's not
00:34:17.340
about comfort and leisure. It's about reaching into chaos and helping somebody around you,
00:34:23.640
being a good neighbor. And we are conditioning ourselves to pull back from that. And I would
00:34:29.360
say Jesus said, no, run into it and I'm with you. Oh, that's such a good word. Because when we look
00:34:35.180
out our window, we see a lot of chaos. And my instinct is to retreat because I'm scared for myself
00:34:41.780
and for my family and all of that. But you're absolutely right, is that the love of Christ compels us
00:34:45.900
to run into those situations with the fruit of the spirit, which you reiterated so well so many
00:34:52.020
times today. If you could please tell everyone, you know, where they can find you or any other
00:34:56.600
resources that you would like to direct people to. Yeah. Thank you, Alibeth. Yeah. Focus on the
00:35:01.500
family is focusonthefamily.com or you can call 1-800-A-FAMILY. And I think one of the great things
00:35:07.760
that Focus does is we have free counseling. We have a counseling department where we'll provide you
00:35:12.400
an initial counseling call. It's hard to point to a single resource. I mean, Focus is a resource
00:35:17.600
treasure chest. I mean, we've got, after 40 years of ministry, we have answers to almost every
00:35:23.500
question. It's rare that we get a question nowadays that we haven't heard. And I think it just needs to
00:35:29.200
be seen like that. We're like the WebMD for the family. You can come to us and get input. Yeah. And
00:35:35.240
get just about anything. We have a marriage assessment. Over a million people have taken it. It just
00:35:40.120
points out your strengths and weaknesses. We have the same for parenting. You can come in and do that
00:35:44.540
free assessment. It just says, hey, here you go. Here are the things to work on, Dad. Don't be so
00:35:49.060
rules-oriented. Right. Right. But you know, whatever it might be, work on your loving skills. And yeah,
00:35:55.980
so it's just whatever you need, just call us and we'll put something in your hands that will help you.
00:36:00.040
Well, that is awesome. I know a lot of people are going to benefit from that. Thank you so much for
00:36:04.280
taking the time to talk with me today. You bet, Alibeth. And your mom and dad must be super proud of you.
00:36:09.600
Oh, thank you. You're an impressive young lady. Thank you so much. Well,
00:36:12.580
they're a great mom and dad. And thank you so much for everything that you do and for the resources
00:36:17.320
that you provide for us and really how you guys helped shape my parents and then consequently
00:36:23.600
helped shape my life growing up. So thank you. Yeah, that's great. That's great. Take care.