Ep 27 ｜ Alex Jones, Masculinity & Eating Disorders
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Summary
In this episode, Allie talks about the Alex Jones controversy, and her thoughts on masculinity and feminism, and how they work together. Allie also talks about why she thinks Alex Jones is not a conservative, and why he should be allowed to speak freely.
Transcript
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What's up, y'all? It is Thursday, which means it's almost the weekend. And even though I work
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from home and I never really stop working, I am still always excited for Friday. And I hope that
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you guys are too. I hope that you guys have had an excellent week. Thanks for ending this week
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with me on this podcast, which is, as you guys know, CRTV is relatable. Be sure to subscribe,
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to rate, to share, to do all that fun stuff. And also, if you want to sign up for CRTV using
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promo code Allie20, so you can watch my face in addition to listening to my lovely, high-pitched,
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really annoying voice that I personally hate to listen to, but I'm glad that you guys like it.
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Okay. I'm excited about today's podcast because there's a lot that I want to talk about. I want
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to talk about this controversy we've been hearing about, re-Alex Jones from Infowars. And I also want
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to talk about something completely separate from that, which is masculinity and my true thoughts
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on gender, feminism, et cetera, how that all works together. I have some nuance to my opinion that
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you might not expect. My PragerU video on this came out this week, so I thought it would be a good time
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to discuss this subject. And then I am going to answer one listener question that is a pretty
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vulnerable question, but I thought that you guys would maybe appreciate hearing my perspective
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on this subject. Okay. First things first, Alex Jones. So Alex Jones runs the website Infowars,
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and he is the host of his own web-based show, The Alex Jones Show. This week, he was kicked off Apple,
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Google, and Facebook's online platforms, which includes YouTube and iTunes. This, of course,
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caused a big fuss, not just among supporters of Alex Jones, but also among supporters of free speech.
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Now, I am going to get into why this isn't really an issue of free speech in just a second. But first,
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I want to back up and get a sense of who Alex Jones actually is. So he's billed, particularly by people
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on the left, as a right-wing pundit or a commentator, but he really shows no indication, no signs of being
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a conservative. He's basically just anti-establishment, as far as I can tell. He probably would consider
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himself a part of the alt-right, though people on the alt-right don't typically use the term alt-right.
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They use this term called paleoconservative, which is what he's referred to himself as.
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It was a term that was popularized by Pat Buchanan, and it's really a word that now means,
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though I'm not sure if it's always meant this, an allegiance to Western identity.
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So paleoconservatives consider themselves the real conservatives, because they are actually,
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in their minds, actually conserving something, and that is Western European culture, whatever
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that even really means. Paleoconservatives hate these people that they call neoconservatives or
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neocons, whom they believe to be globalists, because we, I would consider myself, I guess,
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in their terms, a neocon. We're not fighting for what they consider to be a Western European identity
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in the same way that they are. They say that neoconservatives stand up for the Constitution,
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and small government, but apparently we fail to see how multiculturalism and immigration aspects
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of what they call globalism make it impossible for the Constitution to be upheld and the government
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to be limited in America, because we are importing all of these people from various cultures who don't
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believe in the Constitution or small government. But these so-called paleoconservatives, aka today's
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alt-right, like Alex Jones, they don't actually necessarily believe in upholding the Constitution
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or limiting the government nearly as much as they care about making sure that America is upholding these
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Western values. So what does that mean? Well, it's honestly not completely clear. What I've gathered from
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my research is that they really like the 1950s. They really like traditionalism. They really like the idea of
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women kind of taking a backseat. They really like the idea of a white ethnostate, although they don't
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always come right out and say that. And they're really into white pride. They would not say that
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they are racist or white supremacists. They would just say that just like every other culture, that
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white people should be able to be proud of their own culture and should seek to form a coalition based
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on race, just like every other race does. They're fans of identity politics, outspoken fans of identity
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politics. They really aren't that different from the far left. And now I'm not saying that Alex Jones
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himself has said all of these things, but I am describing the ideology paleoconservatism that he
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claims to cling to himself. How do I know all of these things about this ideology? Because I've studied
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extensively. I have talked to adherents to this way of thinking thoroughly to understand what they think
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and why they think that way. These people don't like me. They hate other people like Ben Shapiro and
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everyone that they consider neocons who aren't doing enough to uphold whiteness and white European
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culture. Oh, and speaking of Ben Shapiro, these paleocons slash the alt-right really don't like Jewish
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people because they think Jewish people control the entire world. And so Jewish people to them are
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peak globalists out to ruin Western society, particularly America. So again, Alex Jones hasn't
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expressly said these things. I am just giving you context around him. This is how many paleoconservatives
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think and many of the people who like Alex Jones think. But even though he hasn't said everything I've
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just described to you, he has said a lot of crazy, you know what, a lot of crazy stuff. The defining
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feature of Alex Jones is that he loves a good conspiracy theory, like can not resist it. He said
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that Sandy Hook was a hoax with child actors. The Oklahoma City bombing was fake. He said that 9-11 was
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an inside job. He believes that the government controls the weather and is causing natural disasters.
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He is also famous for saying that the government is putting chemicals in the water to make the frogs
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gay. Here is him talking about Sandy Hook, the shooting at an elementary school that happened in
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2012. The official story of Sandy Hook has more holes in it than Swiss cheese. My gut tells me the
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White House, people controlling the governments were involved in this. So don't ever think the
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globalists that have hijacked this country wouldn't stage something like this. They kill little kids
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all day, every day. And it's not our government. It's the globalists. I mean, they're doing it.
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They're doing it. They're staging it. Alex Jones also completely made up a story about me on his show,
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telling his listeners that he asked me to come on his show, but that I said no because I thought I was
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too good for him. Well, if I had been asked, I probably would have said no, but that didn't happen.
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I was never asked to go on the show. And then he went on this long tirade about a video that I did
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about the need for strong men and said that I was wrong. I don't even remember his reasoning for why
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I was wrong, but he blatantly lied about me. I'm sure he's done the same thing about others. He's
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definitely expressed his distaste for other conservative commentators. He makes up conspiracy
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theories without citing any legitimate sources. The guy is crazy. He's crazy.
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Um, and I personally don't think he adds anything good to the conversation, but all of that said,
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whether or not I like him or think he's a good guy is really irrelevant to whether or not it was right
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of Facebook, Google, and Apple to banish him from their platforms. Uh, there are lots of people that I
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don't like on the internet, but I don't want them to be kicked off necessarily because I realize the
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implications that that has for me and for other voices that I do like and appreciate, uh, that we
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could all get kicked off, uh, based on the whims of those who are in charge is something that I have
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to think about when I consider someone as crazy as Alex Jones getting kicked off. So Facebook,
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Google, and Apple all claim that Alex Jones violated their terms of service on multiple occasions.
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Uh, the New York times reported that there are a plethora of defamation lawsuits against Jones.
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And I agree that Jones has spewed many things that are at least borderline, uh, slanderous. I mean,
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he just makes up stuff and then runs with it. And unfortunately, uh, people who don't know how to
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think for themselves, uh, or do their own research just buy into it. But see, that's not actually the
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reason that these platforms cited for kicking Jones off. They cited hate speech, hate speech of all things
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to cite hate speech. Uh, this is what the verge is reporting. According to Facebook, Jones's four
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pages were taken down for quote glorifying violence and quote using to humanizing language to describe
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people who are transgender Muslims and immigrants. Um, and this would be right here. They're, they're
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reasoning for kicking him off. This would be why I don't agree with them banning Alex Jones,
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not because I like his stuff, but because the standards these sites are setting are totally
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bogus because they're completely subjective. They're arbitrary. Who says what is dehumanizing?
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What about everyone who makes jokes about abortion? That's pretty darn dehumanizing. What about the
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hateful language against president Trump or Snoop Dogg and Kathy Griffin banned from these platforms
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when they glorified violence against Trump? I mean, what is hate speech actually? What is hate?
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Is it hateful to say that boys are boys and girls are girls that crossing the border illegally makes
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you a criminal that unlimited welfare encourages lead laziness, that abortion is murder, that a
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biblical marriage is between a man and a woman, that Jesus is the only way to heaven. Are these
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things hateful? Do they constitute as hate speech? Will people get kicked off platforms for saying these
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things? I mean, we know that they already are constituted as, as bigoted and malicious. So it's not
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hard to believe that the next step is banning this kind of speech from online platforms since we know
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that the majority of people running these companies are part of the left. It's one thing to ban people
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for clearly violating your terms of service if, big if, you can say what terms they violated and how
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and how and if you apply that standard fairly across the board, but it doesn't seem like they're
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doing either of those things, which is why this has caused so much chaos and fear over the last few
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days. David French wrote an opinion piece for the New York Times. I feel like I've been quoting David
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French a lot lately titled A Better Way to Ban Alex Jones, in which he points out correctly that
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while hate speech is subjective, slander and libel legally are not. He also points out off the top,
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which is the point I promised to make earlier, that this is not a free speech First Amendment issue.
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You do not have a First Amendment right to say what you want on someone else's platform.
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That platform, which is a non-government funded entity, has the right to set its own terms and
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determine what can be said and what can't. Legally, constitutionally, they have that right.
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We don't have to like it, but we have no grounds on which we can sue them for violating our right to
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free speech. No one is making us use those platforms to spread our ideas. The only people
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who can actually violate your right to free speech is the government. And slander and libel also are
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not protected forms of speech under the First Amendment. So even if the government were to
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punish Jones for the things he said, as long as what he said can be proven to be libelous or
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slanderous, which, by the way, is very hard to prove, then constitutionally that's OK. So this isn't a
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free speech thing that people should be mad about. It's the fact that we have these tech giants
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setting completely arbitrary moral standards for what people can and can't say on their platforms,
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standards that are not clearly outlined in their terms of service and standards that are not clearly
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or evenly applied to everyone. So what it seems like is that Jones is being targeted because he is
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not part of the left. I have a hard time believing that if he was making up conspiracy theories about
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Trump being Hitler reincarnate, that we would be seeing him kicked off. I don't know that for sure,
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but I mean, that's basically being propagated by so-called legitimate news sources and no one says
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anything. So all in all, I think this is a very dangerous precedent that they are setting, even if
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I agree with him that this guy is basically a nut job who adds nothing to the conversation.
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Now, do I think that the government should get involved? Absolutely not. I am dreading
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President Trump even tweeting about this, which he might. You just never know. I don't want these
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platforms to be regulated. I've said before, and I'll say it again, that that would turn out very
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badly in the end for conservatives. If there is a technologically savvy conservative or open dialogue
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advocate out there who wants to create a competitor to these companies, I say, go for it. You will have
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ample support. And that's possible. That is the correct conservative free market position to take.
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So that is that controversy. I'm sure there will be more developments over the next few days.
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Oh, and it's also I thought that this was interesting as well. Jack Dorsey, the CEO of
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Twitter, has said that he is not going to ban Alex Jones from his platform because Alex Jones has not
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violated their terms of service. Now, this is a very logical position to take. Obviously,
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Jack Dorsey is on the left, doesn't agree with Alex Jones, but he's saying, hey, I'm not going to kick
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him off just because I don't like what he has to say. He hasn't violated anything yet. And the left
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is absolutely losing their minds and going after him. And I just say, Jack, do not succumb to the
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liberal mob. Do what you know is right, because they are relentless and they will make you beg and
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grovel even after you apologize. OK, now let us switch gears and discuss something completely
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different. And that is the subject of masculinity. Since this is my podcast, I guess I'm allowed to
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toot my own horn just a little bit and say that my recently released PragerU video on this subject
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turned out really well. And that really has only a tiny bit to do with me and a lot more to do with
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Prager University, who is just so good at producing quality educational content. They asked me to do a
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video in the spring back in the spring. So I went to L.A. a few months ago to film it and it just came
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out this week on Monday. And the subject that we decided on for this video was the importance of good
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masculinity to society. You guys have heard me talk about this a lot. You've heard me talk about the pros
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and cons of the Me Too movement. And one of the cons is that I think it wrongly blames men and masculinity
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for the problem of sexual assault. We hear a lot about toxic masculinity and how toxic masculinity is the
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culprit for not just sexual assault and harassment, but all of the crimes against humanity, basically like
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war, inequality, corruption, division, tyranny, all of that. People who purport this theory claim that toxic
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masculinity is the masculinity that is aggressive, arrogant, insensitive, abusive, etc. All of these kind of
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general terms. And in order for all of these bad things in our world to go away that are perpetrated by men,
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we must squelch toxic masculinity, disregard the fact that there is no actual concrete definition of toxic
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masculinity, no clear line between good masculinity and bad masculinity. The point is these leftist feminists say
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we have to get rid of it. And since there is no actual real definition of toxic masculinity, it should be no
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surprised that there is no actual solution to toxic masculinity either. And what I found through
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research is that the suggested solution isn't actually to make masculinity less toxic. It's to make
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men less masculine. Men should take a backseat. They should be quieter. They should only fight for the
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causes that women tell them that they should fight for. They should be passive and let women be more
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aggressive for a change. Men should be suppressed so women can be elevated. Basically, whether they say this
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expressly or not, these proponents of this theory believed that men should be more like women and
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women should try to become more like men. I mean, that's basically the premise of this entire push
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for gender fluidity, right? That men and women are really no different from one another, that there are
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no inherent distinctions. And if we all adopted characteristics of the opposite sex, then we would
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have a totally equal society. So factually, logically, scientifically, historically, that theory
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just doesn't really hold up. Men are inherently different than women. And these inherent differences
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are good. Men might be unique. They are unique in their ability to wreak havoc because they are stronger
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physically. They are more aggressive. They typically are more assertive and more ambitious than women.
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But these things also give them the capacity to build and to protect nations in a way that women
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simply were not made to do. I know. Hot take. Okay. Here, that is the pretext for this video. Here's an
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excerpt. The growing problem in today's society isn't that men are too masculine. It's that they're not
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masculine enough. When men embrace their masculinity in a way that is healthy and productive, they are
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leaders, warriors, and heroes. When they deny their masculinity, they run away from responsibilities,
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leaving destruction and despair in their wake. The consequences can be seen everywhere. One in four
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fathers now lives apart from his children. And children who grew up without a dad are generally
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more depressed than their peers who have a mother and a father. They are at far greater risk for
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incarceration, teen pregnancy and poverty. 71% of high school dropouts are fatherless. If you want
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to watch that video in its entirety, you can go to the PragerU YouTube page. The video is called
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Make Men Masculine Again. It's also on my Facebook page, The Conservative Millennial. Please share if you
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so desire. It's gotten like 2 million views or something like that in the past three days. So I've
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gotten a lot of positive feedback. And what I've heard is, wow, this is a very brave thing to say.
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And we need more of this. And this is so hard to teach my kids against everything they're learning
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in public school, which really just breaks my heart. Because nothing that was said in this video
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would have been controversial in the mainstream even 10 years ago. I'm old enough to remember that
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when young men actually stepping up to the plate and taking ownership, that that was seen by virtually
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everyone as a good thing, a thing that's necessary to thriving communities. It was known that when men
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refuse to take responsibility, when they walk out on things, when they're tough, like families or jobs
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or their service to the country, that bad things happen. Families, communities, nations are left
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vulnerable. Men both have a drive and an ability to protect and to fortify in a way that women simply
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were not made to do. If we were made to do it, we would be able to look back at history and see it.
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But we don't. In the vast majority of cases, men are the hunters, the warriors, the rulers,
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the builders, the harvesters, the leaders, the providers, the protectors. Don't worry. I know
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you're freaking out just a little bit, all of you little feminists out there. I will get to women in
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just a second. But this is just true historically and culturally. I mean, do we honestly think that the
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reason that men have occupied these roles in all cultures for all of time is because of a social
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construct, because of some kind of patriarchy, East, West, ancient, modern, it doesn't matter.
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Men have mostly been the ones to conquer, to fight, to construct, to cultivate. Men have had this
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propensity since the beginning of time to make something out of nothing, to carry a cause forward,
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to advance kingdoms, to create communities, villages, tribes, countries, literally everywhere,
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literally forever. Should we not pause to consider that maybe if it's happening everywhere and for
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all of time, that maybe that's innate? Now, everything has two sides. This drive that men
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have for power, control, conquering, cultivation has also led to human suffering. Both men and women
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have unique characteristics that manifest itself in unique kinds of evil because we are all fallen
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human beings. But it is not masculinity or femininity that is primarily to blame. It is sin. It's the
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evil of human nature. All of our good qualities, our good unique qualities as men and women can also be
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corrupted and used for harm. Men who have the unique capacity and ability to fight and to protect in a way
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that women are not created to also have the unique propensity to cause destruction through violence and
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aggression. So the solution to that is not less masculinity, but better masculinity, the kind of
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masculinity that takes responsibility, that puts the needs of his community and family above his own,
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that serves and respects and cares and provides and nurtures and protects. The men who are guilty of
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all of this horrible abuse and harassment that we're seeing in Hollywood and that we're hearing about in
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the Me Too movement are not too masculine. They are not masculine enough, not in its true good sense.
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They are using their physical strength to dominate the vulnerable, which is a corruption of what
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masculinity is actually for, which is protection. Now, all of this said, I obviously believe in the
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necessity of strong women. Women throughout history have done amazing things that some men just have it.
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Deborah in the Bible stepped up to the plate when no one else would. Esther was a badass. Rahab exhibited
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bravery that many men in the Bible didn't. Mary pretty much changed the game for all of history.
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More recently, outside of the Bible, Harriet Tubman, Corrie ten Boom, Mother Teresa, Margaret Thatcher.
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Today, Nikki Haley is taking names. God has used and is still using women to do extremely important and
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incredible things for his glory and for the good of mankind. He obviously views women as not just
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valuable as people made in his image, but also as a force to be reckoned with. I believe that God has
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called me to be a voice, to be in front of people, to fight for truth. By highlighting the importance of
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good masculinity and good men to society, I am in no way minimizing the importance of good femininity
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and good, strong, outspoken, bold women. But the fact is women and men are different. Even in our
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leadership, we lead differently. Women are typically better communicators. We are better at multitasking
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than men are. We are more empathetic than men are. You need someone to calm chaos right then and
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there. You ask a woman, particularly a mom, not a man. We are better caretakers. You watch little
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kids playing and what's usually happening. The boys are building things and then they're destroying them
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as violently as possible and as loudly as possible. The girls are usually taking care of things.
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They are dressing up their animals. They're feeding dolls, whatever it is. They're just
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different. Women typically, typically have a desire to raise families. Men typically have a desire to
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provide for their families. These are just general differences between men and women that should be
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celebrated and not diminished. Now, some of you might be getting uncomfortable. I can feel it. Don't worry
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though. I got you because this is where the nuance to all of this comes in. Just because there are real
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differences between men and women that are inherent and are seen throughout history does not mean that
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men and women have to fit into stereotypes in order to be good men or women and harmful stereotypes that
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are perpetuated by society do exist. Feminists are not completely wrong when they say that society has
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created false generalizations of male and female that have in some cases been harmful to individuals that
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don't fit into those generalizations. For example, in order to be manly, men don't have to hunt and fish
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and play football. It is OK for a man to like musical theater, to like dance, to like poetry, poetry and hate
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the outdoors and sports. That's completely fine. It's OK for a man to be more quiet, to take jobs that society
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says are only for women, like being a secretary or something like that. That doesn't take away from a man's
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masculinity or manliness because these things do not and should not define masculinity. I mean,
00:24:46.220
from a Christian perspective, I certainly don't see that kind of stereotype in the Bible. I mean,
00:24:51.320
David was an extremely sensitive person who was also a musician. But what made David mighty and what
00:24:57.460
makes all men mighty was David's bravery, his obedience to God, his willingness to courageously
00:25:03.720
undertake the task set before him? He was a kid when he defeated Goliath. We don't see any indication
00:25:09.840
of him being some macho guy. He just stepped up to the plate. That's what makes a good man. Taking
00:25:15.020
responsibility, taking ownership, sacrifice, bravery, taking care of your family, making your community
00:25:20.860
better, taking initiative. This is the stuff of good men. It doesn't really matter what your hobbies are
00:25:27.300
or what your personality type is. What are the choices you make and how do they affect those in
00:25:34.680
your sphere of influence? The same is true for women. Although honestly, I would say that we probably
00:25:41.040
have less pressure nowadays to fit into a stereotype of what a woman is than men do. Women can be moms,
00:25:47.460
nannies, secretaries, caretakers, or we can be CEOs and politicians. There is really very little
00:25:53.920
shame for any of those choices. Sure. Some people are judged for working and not being at home with
00:26:00.540
their kids, or maybe, uh, they're shamed for only being a stay at home mom. Those are scare quotes
00:26:06.880
used. Um, but in general, uh, women are free and encouraged to make choices that are right for them.
00:26:13.880
Men have to make the choice. That's not just right for them, but also right for those around them. That's
00:26:19.220
just the way it is. Um, but I certainly am not some Susie homemaker who takes all my cues from my
00:26:25.980
husband. You guys know that you can probably pick up on that. Now, as a Christian, I of course respect
00:26:31.060
my husband as the head of our household and will submit to his final decisions. But so far in our
00:26:35.880
marriage, uh, it's never come to the point to where I have to defer to him because we've made all of our
00:26:41.600
decisions together and we've agreed on the big things. He listens to me. I listened to him. I always feel
00:26:47.220
respected and thought about, so it's not hard for me to follow him. Um, but I can't tell you the
00:26:53.040
confidence and assurance I have being married to a man that I know is always going to do what he has
00:26:57.820
to do to protect and provide for our family. I was raised by the same kind of man who made all kinds
00:27:02.740
of sacrifices for us growing up. Uh, my husband was also raised by the same kind of dad. My brothers
00:27:07.640
and brothers-in-law are the same way. I have seen firsthand the importance of good men, and it is my hope
00:27:15.800
that we can keep teaching our boys to be these kinds of good men without being labeled bigots.
00:27:22.280
Uh, so that was the point of my video, and it's something that I am going to keep harping on forever
00:27:26.780
and ever until the thought police come to my house, arrest me, and lock me up. Um, okay. Now, uh, I have
00:27:34.120
a question that I got from Instagram. That's where I get most of my questions. You guys message me, and then
00:27:38.940
I try to answer as many as I can. I get a lot of questions. Usually I only have time to really thoroughly
00:27:43.620
answer one. So I'm going to answer one that I think is important to talk about. So this question
00:27:49.120
is, you've mentioned before in the podcast that you struggled with an eating disorder in college.
00:27:54.740
What advice would you give to young women, especially new believers who have lived their
00:27:59.200
lives, uh, struggling with the toxic secular messages we receive about our bodies and are now
00:28:04.900
trying to reconcile that with their, with their new identity as Christians, as always love you. And
00:28:10.300
her story tonight literally made me LOL. Um, well, thank you. She is talking about my Instagram
00:28:14.980
story and I always appreciate how much enjoyment you guys get from those. Um, okay. So yes, I have
00:28:22.440
mentioned before that I had an eating disorder briefly during and after college. Uh, for those of you who
00:28:27.960
want to hear my full story and testimony, you can go to a previous episode. I'm not sure, uh, which one
00:28:34.420
it is or what the number is, but the title and description should give it away. I'll try to figure out
00:28:38.840
which one it is and maybe tell you all on Instagram. Um, so I was a good Christian girl
00:28:42.800
all through college. I dated the same guy for three years. He was a great Christian guy.
00:28:47.640
I knew all along really that we were not meant to be together, but I thought, Hey, he's a good
00:28:54.360
catch. He's, he's really godly. He has a good family. So why not just marry him? Um, and I had
00:28:59.040
really convinced myself that that was going to happen. It was super serious. Uh, and he was really
00:29:03.800
all I ever knew in college, but we broke up about halfway through my senior year and
00:29:08.720
I was devastated. Um, in a way, looking back, I was actually relieved, but you know, you're
00:29:13.760
still heartbroken. I mean, you're 21 years old. You're heartbroken after a serious breakup.
00:29:18.080
And as it turns out, I found out after this breakup, a lot of my identity in college, a lot
00:29:23.740
of my good behavior, going to Bible studies, being chaplain in my sorority, uh, was not actually
00:29:29.240
found in Christ or in Christianity, but in this guy, uh, being the good Christian girl,
00:29:35.540
I knew I should be for him. So when we broke up that identity totally shattered, uh, temptation
00:29:43.020
came in like it always does. And, and really vulnerable parts of your life. When I think
00:29:47.560
Satan knows that you're most susceptible to sin. And I started coping with the pain of this
00:29:53.180
breakup, um, by drinking and partying and guys and all that stuff that most people do all
00:29:58.120
throughout college. Um, I hadn't been doing any of those things throughout college. So
00:30:01.880
I basically crammed four years of college into one semester and I went hard. I made a
00:30:06.860
lot of really stupid decisions during this time as is typical when someone is getting blackout
00:30:12.620
drunk multiple nights a week. Um, my worth, my identity, my satisfaction were all completely
00:30:18.000
misplaced. And the sad thing is I knew it. I knew better. I wasn't like so many girls who
00:30:24.360
had just never been taught anything different. I knew the truth and I was rejecting it anyway.
00:30:29.900
Uh, I knew that this wasn't what God wanted for me, but I rebelled regardless of that. Um,
00:30:36.940
so let me back up just a little bit. Uh, during the time that we were breaking up, I also got
00:30:42.220
shingles. Yes. Shingles. That thing that 80 year olds get in nursing homes. I was 21 and
00:30:48.220
I got shingles and I had to leave college for three weeks right after we broke up to go home and
00:30:53.960
to get better. It was awful. I had sores all over my neck, all over my face. It was probably
00:30:58.700
the most pain that I've ever been in. Uh, during this time I lost a lot of weight. Uh, I was
00:31:04.780
sad and when I'm sad, I don't have an appetite. Plus I was sick. So without even trying during
00:31:10.740
these few weeks, I was losing weight. Uh, when I got back to school, people started telling
00:31:15.000
me how great I looked, how skinny I was. I really liked that. Uh, and as the weeks went
00:31:20.120
on as I started going out more, doing all the things that I told you about that I knew
00:31:24.600
would make me happy, but I did anyway. Um, I also started to purposely avoid food. I liked
00:31:30.380
the attention that I was getting from my friends and from guys who are now talking to me a lot
00:31:34.760
because I was freshly single and I didn't want to give that up. Um, I started to believe
00:31:39.860
the lie that my worth came from what these people thought of me and how I looked and I did
00:31:46.320
look good. I, I didn't get to the point of being emaciated. So I told myself I'm fine.
00:31:51.680
It's, it's healthy. It's okay. Well, what they don't tell you about anorexia or maybe
00:31:57.240
they did and I just wasn't listening. What they don't tell you about anorexia is that
00:32:00.560
eventually you get hungry. People have to eat to survive. Uh, so after a few months of
00:32:05.660
restricting my eating and really overworking out, I started to realize that I missed food.
00:32:11.020
So I would eat and then I would immediately throw up. And after a few weeks or a few months
00:32:18.020
of doing that, I realized, okay, this is not okay. This is probably not okay. This is an
00:32:22.920
addiction and I really can't stop. Um, at this point I graduated from college. I was in my
00:32:28.580
first job, uh, but I lived in a college town and I was still partying. And so my identity
00:32:32.960
was still in this affirmation of other people. Um, I was still numbing all of my pain and regret
00:32:38.840
with alcohol and boys. And so I felt that I couldn't give up my eating disorder without
00:32:44.340
getting quite frankly fat. And if I got fat, then I wouldn't have all of this attention
00:32:48.940
that I craved. Um, but finally, and I can't remember why I even did it, but finally, probably
00:32:55.140
a few months after graduation, I decided that I needed to see a counselor. Um, I told my counselor,
00:33:00.900
I'd never seen a counselor before, but I told my counselor what was going on. And after a few
00:33:05.360
sessions of kind of getting to know me, she finally just looked me in the eye and said,
00:33:09.060
this is going to kill you. You are going to die from this. In honest to God, I never threw
00:33:17.400
up my food again. Uh, that is not how I wanted to die. If I was hospitalized, then my parents
00:33:22.780
would find out. I didn't want to disappoint them. I didn't want to cause other people pain.
00:33:27.480
This was about me. Uh, I had to realize the gravity of my situation and face the reality that
00:33:33.220
my sins were going to affect other people, maybe for the rest of their lives. Um, there's a lot of
00:33:40.320
mixed feelings about counseling, but in my case, that counselor saved my life. She saved my life.
00:33:47.240
I don't know where I would be without her, if I would be here or without her. And it took waking up
00:33:53.980
to the danger of my eating disorder to shake me out of everything else, uh, to realize that this whole
00:33:59.640
thing just couldn't last this pursuit of temporary pleasure, uh, that I would keep getting hurt,
00:34:04.820
that things would only get worse. And I knew that God had something better for me than that. He had
00:34:10.000
to and think of the Lord. Thank God that he is relentless in his love for us, that he is faithful
00:34:17.340
when we're faithless, that he holds onto us when we let go, that his affection for us is totally
00:34:22.720
and completely independent from what we do and is totally and completely dependent on what Christ has
00:34:28.200
already done for us. Um, I'm not telling you all of this so that you can go out and sin and one day
00:34:33.860
it'll all be fine. I'm telling you this to encourage you to stop sinning, to let go of this false idol
00:34:40.180
of affirmation that I think that so many of us obsess over and to go to the one who actually tells you
00:34:45.500
who you are and who you are as a believer in God's sight is perfect, is whole, is loved, and is
00:34:51.480
accepted. And that is the truth that you don't learn just once. You don't learn it two times or even
00:34:57.040
ten times. You learn that truth every single day. You learn it by meditation on God's word,
00:35:03.480
on focusing not on yourself and loving yourself, but on God and loving him. You learn it through
00:35:08.980
community, uh, with believers, through accountability, through being a part of a church, through constant
00:35:14.380
prayer, uh, through preaching to yourself the gospel, which is that Jesus died and rose again to set you
00:35:19.900
free from the bondage of sin. Um, I know for some people they need a lot more than a counselor to
00:35:27.680
stop their eating disorders or a counselor just telling them one time, um, to stop their eating
00:35:33.480
disorder. Maybe it's more complex than that for you. Maybe you have years of baggage that you're
00:35:37.980
working through. Maybe you didn't have a dad. Maybe, maybe you have never felt fully loved by anyone.
00:35:44.060
I know. I'm totally sympathetic to that. Um, but my answer to you would be the same.
00:35:50.800
You have to run full force to Jesus. He is the only one who can tell you who you are.
00:35:56.220
The only one that can save you. The only one who tells you what you're worth. And as the cross proves
00:36:02.300
what you're worth is his entire life. That's a lot. Um, okay. That was, that was intense. Probably a
00:36:09.160
really intense answer to that question, but I hope that I'd encourage you guys, uh, just to know that
00:36:13.680
I've been through a lot too. I hear from some of you about your stories and you know, there's only
00:36:19.260
so much we can share on podcasts and on social media, but I'm just like everyone else. And then
00:36:25.160
I have been through stuff. And if there's anything else that you guys want me to share, have questions
00:36:29.900
about, especially in that crazy time in my life in college, I know a lot of you guys can relate to
00:36:34.520
it. Uh, just message me on Instagram and let me know. I'm always, uh, taking messages. I'm always
00:36:39.840
taking emails. So if you have any suggestions for this, uh, for this podcast or constructive
00:36:44.680
criticism or questions or anything like that, please feel free to reach out to me. Uh, thank
00:36:49.480
you guys so much for listening and for watching and have a great weekend.