Relatable with Allie Beth Stuckey - Ep 466 ｜ My Birth Story & Biblical Motherhood

00:00:00.000 Hey guys, welcome to Relatable. Happy Thursday. As promised, today we are talking about motherhood.

00:00:18.500 I told you guys a few weeks ago that we were going to do this episode and unfortunately I've

00:00:23.960 had to put it off a few times because there's been a lot going on that we've needed to address.

00:00:30.000 But finally, here it is. We are going to talk about what culture says about motherhood,

00:00:35.360 what scripture says about motherhood, and how I believe Christians are called to think about it

00:00:42.380 and represent it in light of those two things. And if I have time, I'm going to give you some

00:00:48.300 practical things that I've learned being a mom of two young kids, a toddler and a newborn. For those

00:00:53.740 of you who are entering that stage or who will one day be in that stage. First, I kind of want to set

00:01:02.720 the scene of where we are in this cultural, political, even spiritual moment when it comes

00:01:10.700 to parenting. We are living in a day when women are told that the most important thing for us to do in

00:01:18.340 life is not to be a mom and not necessarily even to have a career, not to have a bunch of solid

00:01:24.980 friendships or be a responsible citizen or a contributing community member. None of these

00:01:30.700 things we're told are paramount. The most important thing we hear is to find ourselves, to love ourselves,

00:01:38.020 to empower ourselves. Go on Instagram and you will see no shortage of posts from self-care accounts

00:01:46.360 dedicated to pithy mantras from strangers about how beautiful and awesome we are, how it's a privilege

00:01:53.340 for anyone to be a part of our lives telling us that we're perfect the way that we are and that anyone

00:02:00.180 or anything who makes us feel uncomfortable or inconvenienced or challenged or offended in any way

00:02:05.920 is toxic and should be cut out of our lives. All of our character flaws we hear and moral failures

00:02:12.660 are actually just cute quirks that people around us are expected to excuse and accept, but all of the

00:02:20.220 flaws and failures of other people are worthy of our condemnation and our excommunication in the name of

00:02:26.900 drawing boundaries and protecting our mental health. And the message is that you will find fulfillment

00:02:34.320 when you throw off the opinions of these other people, the oppressive systems that are designed to keep

00:02:41.100 women down like capitalism and the patriarchy, the mean things that people have said to you throughout

00:02:46.280 your life, all the negative experiences that you've had, and you dig deep inside to find the inner goddess

00:02:52.180 that is waiting to be unleashed and untamed. There are lots of contradictory ideas inherent in these

00:03:00.480 messages. I actually dedicated a whole book to them called You're Not Enough and That's Okay, Escaping the

00:03:07.320 Toxic Culture of Self-Love. And some of those contradictory messages are if all you did today was get out of bed,

00:03:15.620 even though you had a whole list of responsibilities, that's enough. But also we hear you're a tough woman who can

00:03:21.540 do anything that you set your mind to and you can do hard things. We hear you're perfect the way that you are,

00:03:27.080 but at the same time, we hear it's time to do the work of fill in the blank with some social justice

00:03:32.700 cause and recognize your fill in the blank with some sort of perceived privilege. We hear that you're

00:03:38.380 enough. We also hear at the same time, you need to add my book or podcast or program to your life to be

00:03:44.820 more and better. And we can just be specific about this. You see this kind of messaging from people like

00:03:52.340 Rachel Hollis, Glennon Doyle, Brene Brown, and other people who brand themselves as vaguely

00:03:58.080 Christian-esque, but who are really kind of Christian-y meets girl boss meets mental health

00:04:05.940 counselor meets new age guru. And we are attracted to this stuff because, plainly, some of it is

00:04:13.820 absolutely true because they give some good advice, because they make some great points, because

00:04:19.380 they're amazing communicators and writers, because they make us feel things, because they uncover

00:04:24.960 some things that we didn't see before, because some of their content is cathartic. Some of it

00:04:29.280 is truly empowering. Some of it is practical. Some of it is really healing. But most of all,

00:04:35.140 they give us this addicting sense of being in control. They give us the feeling that if we could

00:04:41.180 just do or think a certain way, we really could manifest all the things that we desire in life,

00:04:47.180 the implicit and sometimes explicit idea within these messages is that who we are deep down inside

00:04:54.520 us is inherently good and powerful and capable of amazing, miraculous things that we're able to

00:05:01.420 accomplish all of our dreams if it weren't for all of the obstacles put in our way by other people

00:05:06.700 and outside factors, and that we actually deserve to throw off all of these obstacles to get to that

00:05:12.560 good, powerful, self-sufficient goddess and through self-love manifest all that she desires. Now, I'm not

00:05:19.840 saying that everyone I listed intentionally conveys these messages. I'm not trying to ascribe to them

00:05:26.260 any malintent, but I've talked to enough people I've read, watched and listened to enough of that kind

00:05:32.480 of content over the past few years to know what lessons women are often, not always, but often

00:05:39.400 walking away with. And like I said, I wrote a book about why much of those ideas or many of those

00:05:46.740 ideas are anti-biblical, anti-gospel, and consequently meaningless at best and deadly at worst. But the

00:05:54.900 troublesome takeaway that I want to point to today as it pertains to the subject of this episode is the

00:06:02.440 idea of entitlement to our dreams and desires that comes with what we're told is a necessary journey

00:06:09.240 to knowing and loving ourselves. Because if our ultimate goal in life as women is to know and

00:06:16.740 love ourselves, if we are truly entitled to all the goals and dreams that come with this

00:06:22.480 self-actualization, then we view anything that sucks up our time and our energy in another direction

00:06:29.800 as a distraction, as a burden, and that will inevitably include our children. Now, I know what some of you

00:06:37.800 might be thinking that none of the women that I listed and probably none of the accounts on

00:06:43.280 Instagram explicitly talk about abandoning your kids for your job or your dreams. And for what it's

00:06:50.340 worth, I am confident that Hollis and Doyle and Brown all love their children very much and have

00:06:55.600 sacrificed a lot for their kids and that they do not intend to encourage mothers to resent their

00:07:00.640 children. And yet, at least from what I've seen, from my perspective, I see that resentment,

00:07:05.820 whether overt or not, as an unintended consequence of many of the ideas perpetuated by the self-love

00:07:13.400 industry. And we're going to get more specifically into those ideas and that logic and how it's

00:07:19.800 damaging in just one second. So you can kind of see the logic that I'm talking about. If self-elevation

00:07:30.740 is the goal, then self-sacrifice is a detriment to that goal. And there is nothing more self-sacrificial

00:07:37.380 than motherhood. I have a good feeling that most of you have come across this attitude,

00:07:43.000 whether you've seen it in Facebook groups or on Instagram or listen to it in a podcast or read it

00:07:48.220 in a book. We call it, in the book that I wrote, Toxic Mommy Culture. And that includes, but is not

00:07:54.040 limited to, moms who joke about how their kids are brats and burdened, who talk about needing alcohol

00:08:00.300 to cope with the stress of motherhood. There is this sense that motherhood is something that happens to

00:08:06.520 women, that we are victims of motherhood and our kids rather than beneficiaries of them. That once we

00:08:12.720 become moms, we temporarily lose ourselves and who we really are, and that it takes work to find

00:08:18.640 ourselves and our true identity again, which means seeing our kids as a deterrent to our self-fulfillment

00:08:24.720 and success and scooting them out of the way in one way or another, however temporarily, so we can reach

00:08:30.340 that paramount goal of knowing and loving and manifesting our best selves. Let me be clear about

00:08:39.880 something because I could hear some pushback on this part. There is nothing wrong with sincere

00:08:48.280 transparency and vulnerability about the difficulties, the stress, and at times the downright exhaustion of

00:08:55.720 motherhood, especially if you're suffering from depression and anxiety. But what I'm saying is that

00:09:02.020 the cumulative effect of the pervasiveness of these kinds of publicized, thoughtless, negative jokes

00:09:09.860 and comments about babies, kids, and motherhood is a cultural shift toward viewing children as a

00:09:17.780 debit rather than a credit, not just to your own life, but also to society. And we are living in a

00:09:24.780 cultural and political moment in the United States, especially when having children and starting a

00:09:29.720 family is not a goal that a lot of young people have. There was a really interesting poll conducted by

00:09:35.740 the Federalist last year of 1,600 randomly selected people from the ages of 13 to 22 that found that

00:09:45.180 they are far more likely to believe that buying a house and making a lot of money is an important

00:09:50.960 goal, is a more important goal than having children. And just to be perfectly fair, you can't expect a 14

00:09:58.520 year old to be thinking about having kids yet. And that's fine because our minds and our priorities

00:10:04.000 change as we age, that's perfectly normal. But there is no doubt in my mind that young people

00:10:11.160 on social media are impacted by, their minds are shaped by how motherhood is portrayed on Instagram

00:10:18.080 and elsewhere. And sometimes it's portrayed very positively and that's great. But I would say there

00:10:23.380 is a growing body of influence on social media that is very negative towards motherhood, even if it's done

00:10:30.020 in a way that is presented as a joke. It also says this poll that their highest goal is actually to

00:10:38.960 make a lot of money. And if that is true, if their highest goal is to make a lot of money and kids are

00:10:44.580 presented as a detriment to that, then you could see why procreating can often go to the wayside among

00:10:52.880 young people. One interesting thing to note in this survey is that the group most likely to say that

00:10:58.660 having kids is very important is the group that attends church at least once a month. 60% versus

00:11:04.340 45% of those who go to church less than once a month. 58%-ish of identifying conservatives say that

00:11:13.280 it's important to have kids. Again, this is 13 to 22 years old versus 45% of identifying progressives.

00:11:21.820 So it's just interesting how your worldview affects that. Antinatalism is a movement that has picked up

00:11:28.800 steam in the past decade, which holds that we need to stop having children because of overpopulation

00:11:35.000 and climate change and the exploitation of natural resources. The antinatalism Reddit thread,

00:11:41.720 our Reddit group, has 117,000 members as of today, as of this morning when I was writing this.

00:11:49.620 And if you read some of the posts in that group, your heart will absolutely break. Here is one snippet

00:11:58.900 that I read this morning. I'm deep in the grief of antinatalism. I have such a biological and or

00:12:06.380 socially conditioned desire to have my own child. At the same time, I know I cannot go through with

00:12:11.760 these deep-seated desires. I know it because life is suffering that I can't possibly procreate,

00:12:17.920 but still I grieve it. And it seems nonsense. I'm in a space where I can have an abortion if I need

00:12:24.580 to. I can make money like no one's business. I can give back to society in so many ways,

00:12:29.200 but my biological desire is to procreate. I know this is wrong. This person says,

00:12:35.340 it's made harder by the fact that all my best friends have had kids. I feel like I can't talk to

00:12:40.400 them because of my views and I have nowhere to discuss and dissect my bio desires versus my rational

00:12:46.400 mind. I feel like I'm hiding part of myself when we talk and I don't know whether to disclose this

00:12:52.080 part of me or not. Oh girl, I wish I could meet you and share the gospel with you. If by chance you

00:12:59.160 happen to be listening to this or watching this, there is hope in Jesus Christ. And I hope that you

00:13:04.940 will finish this episode because we will talk more about that. But this despair that I see in this

00:13:11.520 comment just breaks my heart. It breaks my heart. The world is scary. The future is unknown, but there

00:13:17.340 is a God who created you and holds it in his hands and he is trustworthy. That is what I would say to

00:13:22.340 this person if she were right in front of me. Someone though responded in a very different way to this

00:13:27.380 comment on the antinatalist thread on Reddit. I also sometimes have fleeting thoughts about having

00:13:33.320 biological kids. They are very superficial thoughts, such as wanting to see how my offspring would look

00:13:38.240 like, um, picking out baby names, et cetera. I snap out of it quickly though. And then I realized

00:13:43.200 that my biological urges that I have are just merely irrational thoughts that will eventually go

00:13:48.080 away. A good way to combat this mindset is to think about the future for your kids. Is this the world you

00:13:53.180 really want to bring your child into where they will most likely experience things such as climate

00:13:57.960 change, the bad economy, accidents, illness? Oh, this is so sad. Another response on this thread is

00:14:05.960 it's natural that we have this desire. It's literally programmed in us. The way antinatalism

00:14:11.840 is different from being just child free is that an antinatalist might want to have a kid and love

00:14:17.540 that kid, but they know it's wrong. Many people just assume that we hate children and want them to die.

00:14:24.360 Like, no, we love them. That's why we're antinatalist. Sometimes I find myself having baby fever,

00:14:30.340 but TBH, when I imagine getting a pet, I feel the same kind of happiness, which I'm thankful for.

00:14:37.340 I mean, if that doesn't just punch you in the gut, I don't know what will. So antinatalists

00:14:44.420 believe that it is morally wrong to have biological children for reasons including, but not limited to

00:14:51.720 the ones that I listed. Some may differ from and others may overlap with what I'd call the child

00:14:57.760 free movement who take issue with being called childless because they are choosing not to have

00:15:03.960 kids, not necessarily because they think it's morally wrong to have kids, but because they just

00:15:09.040 don't want kids. We talked about the other day on this podcast that Harry and Meghan received an award

00:15:15.480 from a British charity called Population Matters for their very, quote, enlightened decision to have

00:15:20.940 only two children. We just, I guess, ignore the fact that they have a huge carbon footprint. They've

00:15:28.260 got an 18,000 square foot mansion and, of course, fly private, but that's a whole different segment for

00:15:35.140 a different day. There was a TikTok that went viral the other day of a progressive young woman calling

00:15:40.620 people who want to have sex for the reasons of procreation, people with a, quote, breeding kink.

00:15:46.700 There was another very popular TikTok video of a progressive woman talking about how much she truly

00:15:51.460 hates kids. And then, interestingly, though, I saw another progressive respond to that video

00:15:57.160 pondering why it's always left-wing people who openly talk about their disdain for kids when kids

00:16:03.140 are the most marginalized group in the world without question by far. Now, I thought that was a very

00:16:10.080 interesting and good and compelling pondering by that progressive who responded to the anti-child

00:16:15.620 video. And I would say it's just, it's something to think about, especially if you identify as on

00:16:22.320 that side of the aisle. And even though these are just a few examples, there is absolutely a

00:16:29.140 pervasive attitude among progressive young people as is so painfully apparent on social media. It's also

00:16:38.620 among pro-abortion groups that having kids is something that you should not do and that kids are

00:16:45.260 just annoyances. They're like a boil on the back of the world. They're a scourge to society.

00:16:52.400 Pro-abortion groups, many of which I've talked about on Instagram and on this podcast, which

00:16:57.800 openly, brazenly celebrate aborting babies, also very much contribute to this mindset, the mindset that

00:17:05.500 children are expendable and that women become victims of motherhood when they're impregnated and thus

00:17:11.860 have the right to liberate themselves from that victimhood through the murder of her child.

00:17:17.640 America aborts around a million babies every year. Many of them are aborted using our taxpayer dollars.

00:17:25.380 And while that number has declined in recent years, thank the Lord, the attitude about abortion among

00:17:31.160 abortion advocates has certainly become more brazen and downright nasty. So I have no doubt that this

00:17:40.360 collective mentality about babies and children and pregnancy has contributed to the declining birth

00:17:48.140 rate in the West. The National Center for Health Statistics found that there has been a steep decline

00:17:53.900 in the birth rate in the United States of the United States since 2005. And if you're watching on YouTube,

00:18:00.720 we'll put a graph up. Among 20 to 24-year-old women, the birth rate has declined by 40 percent,

00:18:08.320 40 percent since 2007. And hey, I had my first baby at 27. So I'm not saying that it's bad to have kids above the

00:18:16.100 age of 24. I'm just saying that it's a it's a significant statistic when we're looking at how much we have

00:18:22.040 changed, how much our priorities have shifted in the last decade plus alone. I mean, we are barely replacing the

00:18:28.760 dying population, meaning that there are only slightly more births every year than than deaths. And in

00:18:36.840 several states, more people than more people die than are born, which is obviously a problem if you

00:18:44.440 want to contribute or if you want to continue as a civilization and contribute anything meaningful

00:18:51.320 to the world. According to the World Socialist website, I know interesting resource, but they compile

00:18:57.360 data from the Associated Press on this. They found that, quote, the general fertility rate in 2020 was 55.8

00:19:05.200 births per 1,000 women aged 15 to 44 in the United States, also down 4 percent from 2019 and marking a new

00:19:13.920 record low for the country. The comparable figures were 59.1 in 2018 and 58.2 in 2019. So the decline is

00:19:22.060 accelerating sharply. The drop in 2020 was more than twice the decline in 2019. Last year's rate was the

00:19:28.860 lowest since the federal government began tracking it more than a century ago. This is a pattern that

00:19:35.760 we are seeing predominantly in the West. By the way, countries in Africa still have a very high fertility

00:19:41.020 and birth rate. There are likely many other factors that may be contributing to this in Western

00:19:46.600 civilization, economic factors, for example. But my hypothesis is that the decline is mostly

00:19:54.440 spiritual, moral, cultural, rather than primarily economic or political. That as we become less

00:20:01.400 churched, less religious, more secular, more godless, more progressive, which every survey finds that we are

00:20:08.220 going in that direction, we also become more self-centered, more fearful, and more susceptible to

00:20:15.020 anti-family propaganda. And my other hypothesis is that this will be a vicious cycle. As negative

00:20:24.380 attitudes about families rise, the birth rate will continue to decline. As the birth rate continues

00:20:29.600 to decline, negative attitudes about families and kids will rise. And I want to do some debunking about

00:20:35.600 some of these fears that people have, some of the reasons that people have to deprioritize having kids

00:20:41.940 or put kids off to the side or treat motherhood is something that women are victimized by rather

00:20:47.800 than something that they are blessed by.

00:20:54.300 So like I said, we're going to do some debunking of some of these things. First, let us note this

00:21:01.780 overpopulation myth, because it is a myth. As the population grows, innovation also develops. We find

00:21:08.920 more ways to sustain people. That's one of the benefits of capitalism, because every human being

00:21:14.100 has the opportunity to be a credit to society rather than a debit. I also want to caveat that

00:21:19.860 though by saying that the Christian worldview views everyone is made in the image of God, and we don't

00:21:24.480 place value on people based on what they can physically or intellectually contribute to society.

00:21:30.260 We believe that the weakest person, the physically weak or intellectually or mentally is more valuable

00:21:42.080 than any other non-human creature in the world. And so we believe that everyone is made with equal

00:21:49.600 value, made in the image of God. But we also believe that their mere existence and the contribution of

00:21:57.000 most human beings is a credit to the world rather than something that takes away from the world.

00:22:05.180 Also, it's important to note with this argument of overpopulation, heavily populated cities and the

00:22:10.440 fact that cities often run out of space and resources and even heavily populated countries does not mean

00:22:16.360 that we have an overpopulated world. So that's kind of a fallacy that we see a lot. Second thing that I

00:22:22.780 want to address for the Christian, knowledge of the sovereignty of God over all of the universe,

00:22:30.260 all of creation, all of the environment, all of the changes in the climate, every day of our lives,

00:22:36.220 every second of every day of our lives, all birth, all death, juxtaposed with his directive in Genesis

00:22:42.500 to be fruitful and multiply for married people. And the very clear teaching throughout the Old and the

00:22:47.760 New Testament, that children are not a burden, but a blessing, not having kids, A, for the sake of the

00:22:53.580 environment, or B, out of fear of the future, and or C, because we have our own personal goals we want

00:23:01.740 to reach or lists we want to check off, is not biblical. Now, you may not be able to have biological

00:23:08.860 children. You may not be married. And those two stations in life can absolutely lead to a fulfilled,

00:23:13.780 blessed life that glorifies God remarkably. If what God says through Paul, the Apostle Paul, is true,

00:23:20.760 that it's better to be single than to be married if you can refrain from sexual immorality while single

00:23:26.680 so that you can dedicate yourself fully to Christian ministry, then it is also not biblical to say that

00:23:33.920 people who are unmarried and without kids or those who are physically incapable of having kids are

00:23:38.180 somehow being disobedient or are missing out on a full Christian life. But, but we do not see,

00:23:45.600 and I know this is controversial to say, even in Christian circles, we do not see any biblical

00:23:50.720 support for being married and simply choosing not to have children for fear of the future or

00:23:57.640 overpopulation or because you're afraid they will take away from your life and inhibit you from

00:24:02.360 manifesting your dreams. Psalm 127 through through five, behold, children are a heritage from the

00:24:08.820 Lord, the fruit of the womb, a reward like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the children of one's

00:24:14.820 youth. Blessed is the man who fills his quiver with them. He shall not be put to shame when he speaks

00:24:21.320 with his enemies in the gate. Everywhere in scripture, we see pregnancy and fertility as a good thing,

00:24:28.160 as something to be celebrated. Jesus himself demonstrated that children are not annoyances,

00:24:33.720 but people to be welcomed, to be, to be shepherded, attended to, and that their innocence and faith are

00:24:39.880 actually representations of what faith in all of us should look like as Christians. Matthew 19, 13 through

00:24:46.320 15. Then children were brought to him that he might lay his hands on them and pray. The disciples rebuked

00:24:53.480 the people. But Jesus said, let the little children come to me and do not hinder them for to such belongs

00:25:00.740 the kingdom of heaven. And he laid his hands on them and went away. So children are a blessing. We are

00:25:08.480 called to see them as such, to talk about them as such, to treat them as such. Again, that doesn't mean

00:25:14.220 that everyone will have kids. It doesn't mean that we can't talk about how hard parenting is at times,

00:25:18.540 but it does mean that we are to view children as God views children. The Bible refers to Christians

00:25:25.500 as children of God, 1 John 3, 1, and Gentile Christians specifically as adopted children of God,

00:25:32.600 Ephesians 1, 5, which shows that not just having biological children is an earthly depiction of the

00:25:39.640 gospel, but also that adoption is a depiction of the redemptive, the saving grace of the gospel.

00:25:47.000 God uses parenting, biological or adoptive, to teach us what the gospel, the greatest news in history is.

00:25:55.940 And that gospel, that good news tells us something else, not just about motherhood, but about our lives,

00:26:02.560 about our purpose, which is not to know and to love ourselves and to follow our hearts, but to know

00:26:09.520 and to love and to follow Christ. There is not a powerful inner goddess buried deep down

00:26:16.760 inside you waiting to be unleashed and untamed. Society and systems are not standing in the way

00:26:22.340 of manifesting your true self. You are not a victim of motherhood. Your greatest burden and biggest

00:26:28.700 problem as a woman is not insecurity and is not other people's harsh opinions about you.

00:26:34.660 Ephesians 2, Ephesians 4, Romans 6, Romans 8, Colossians 3 all tell us exactly who we are. And ultimately,

00:26:42.380 there are really only two options for this. We are sinners bound for hell or saints bound for heaven.

00:26:48.720 We either have a heart of stone or a heart of flesh. We are either the old self living in the

00:26:54.040 flesh or we are the new self living in the spirit. We are either dead in sin or alive in Christ.

00:27:00.320 And how we go from one identity to the other is, as Ephesians 2, 8 through 10 says,

00:27:05.060 by grace through faith in Christ, who gives us his identity, who gives us his righteousness,

00:27:11.180 his perfection, his purity, his sufficiency, and makes us new. Not merely better or improved,

00:27:18.360 but new people reconciled to a holy God so that we can have fellowship with and freedom in him

00:27:25.060 now and forever. Christ himself gives us our identity when by grace through faith,

00:27:30.500 we become his disciples, which means a couple of things. Number one, like I said, I don't have an

00:27:35.980 inner goddess waiting to be let out because if I did, I wouldn't need a savior. But John 3, 16 tells

00:27:40.740 me I do. Number two, it is impossible for me to, quote, lose myself in marriage or in motherhood.

00:27:47.740 Yes, it's possible to be burned out. It's possible to realize that you're trying to be something that

00:27:53.180 you're not. It's possible that you've allowed yourself to forget all the good, fun, hobbies,

00:27:57.440 or habits that make you tick and make you happy in seasons of extreme busyness. But as a Christian,

00:28:05.100 and this is such a relief, you can't be lost because you've been found once and for all by Jesus,

00:28:11.020 who, as Matthew 18, 12 says, left the 99 sheep to come and find you, the one lost sheep, who like the

00:28:19.700 father of the prodigal son in Luke 15 came running for you, even after you'd rebelled and you'd gone

00:28:26.680 astray. You are found. You're identified. You're given a name and a purpose in Christ that no system,

00:28:33.280 no responsibility, no role, no obstacle, no bit of stress can ever take away from you. You may fill

00:28:40.720 many roles in this life, but who you ultimately are can never be taken away because the God who made you

00:28:48.600 and who made the universe gave it to you and nothing can snatch you out of his hand. That

00:28:55.080 empowerment, that sufficiency, that rest and renewal and rejuvenation that you're trying and

00:29:02.420 failing to find in yourself and Instagram accounts and self-help books and podcasts that make you

00:29:07.820 simultaneously, strangely feel both free and burdened and both motivated and held back is found in Jesus

00:29:14.500 who died to save you because you are not enough, because you're not a goddess, because you're not

00:29:20.280 perfect the way you are. He is your saving grace, your sanctification, your sustenance, your strength,

00:29:26.980 and he has and will continue to completely equip you and me to mother our children. He holds your future,

00:29:35.460 my future, their future in his steady hands. They are yours to steward, to care for, to love,

00:29:41.940 and to point toward him. And there is nothing that the world needs more than wise, godly, loving,

00:29:49.220 brave people being ambassadors for Christ. That includes you and your kids. The world is really

00:29:56.820 dark. It's really scary. And the future is totally unknown to us. But the only one who knows exactly what

00:30:04.060 that future holds and has seen every single gruesome part of human history tells us in scripture that

00:30:10.200 having kids is a blessing. And the responsibility and sacrifice that comes with having kids, as hard

00:30:15.980 as I know it is, especially for those of you who are way beyond me, who have lots of kids, or you have

00:30:21.320 kids with special needs, which I won't pretend that right now I can relate to what I do know because I

00:30:27.720 can see the objective truth of scripture is that all of it is worth it. So in short, having kids,

00:30:33.780 if you can have them, is good. And Christians must set an example in showing the world what joyful,

00:30:41.360 thankful, fearless, bold, godly parenting looks like. We refuse to contribute to the mindset that

00:30:48.620 having kids is something to put off or put away for the sake of ourselves or some greater problem

00:30:53.060 that we think will be solved by not having kids. Motherhood is an incredible experience. The love

00:31:00.000 that you feel, and I've said this so many times before, but I'm just reminded of it every minute

00:31:05.100 of every day. The love that you feel when your child is born is unlike anything that you ever felt

00:31:12.080 in your life. Now, if you don't have kids, I know that you think you can imagine it because I thought

00:31:18.060 that I could imagine it too. And you can in some like intangible way, but you can't really know what

00:31:24.460 it's like until it happens to you. And the best way to describe it is it feels like a tidal wave

00:31:30.480 crashing over you. And you know, in an instant, when they lay that baby on your chest, that you

00:31:37.120 would give anything for the wellbeing of this little person. All the hopes, all the fears that you had

00:31:42.700 for yourself are transferred onto them. You would sacrifice anything. You would endure anything just to

00:31:47.900 ensure that they are happy and whole. It is a heartbreaking, a gut-wrenching love. You love them so much

00:31:53.820 that you can physically feel it in the deepest parts of you, even when it's hard, even when your

00:31:59.060 patience is thin, even when you're super tired, even when you're stressed out, even when they

00:32:03.520 disobey you, even when they test your limits, your love for them is absolutely unshakable. It is

00:32:09.300 different than the love that you have for your spouse or your parents or your friends, or my goodness,

00:32:13.360 your pet. It is beyond comprehension. And I just want to, well, I want to insert a couple of things.

00:32:20.300 Number one, just as Christians have to set an example in joyful and godly motherhood, the church

00:32:27.180 also has to set an example in what it actually means to be a woman. And we have to be crystal clear

00:32:33.400 and as bold as ever. And something that really didn't take any clarity or boldness on just a few

00:32:39.740 years ago, that motherhood is exclusive to women. That it is, that a woman who is pregnant is not a

00:32:46.960 gestator. She's not a pregnant person, but that she is a woman. She's not just a lactator. She is a

00:32:55.180 woman who is sustaining a child with her body for nine months. And then even after that, as she

00:33:01.200 continues to nourish that little person, that is a gift. That is a blessing. That is a responsibility

00:33:07.100 that God has given exclusively to women. That doesn't mean that you're less of a woman. If that's

00:33:13.320 something that you don't do, that doesn't happen to you in life and that you don't take part of in

00:33:20.340 life, but it is something that is exclusive to women. And if we care about women, if we care about

00:33:26.580 motherhood, if we care about honoring and seeing women, as I believe Jesus did, then we also, as a

00:33:34.820 church, have to set an example in being so clear and so bold that motherhood is something that only

00:33:41.680 women get to do. This is not a gender fluid business here. And so we rely on science. We rely on the

00:33:47.920 word of God to be clear about that. The church throughout history has had the opportunity. It

00:33:52.480 sometimes has taken the opportunity. It sometimes has not taken the opportunity to be a refuge for

00:33:57.520 the most vulnerable. That is typically, has been throughout history, women and children. And in order

00:34:03.720 to be that refuge for women, we have to be able to define what a woman is. And we define it as God

00:34:10.960 defines it, which is not by some intangible and strange and postmodern definition of gender

00:34:17.200 identity and self-identity and self-declaration, but by sex. That is what Genesis 1 tells us. And we

00:34:24.020 have to stand firm on that. My other, my other insert in this motherhood spiel is to remind you

00:34:31.860 that the government, any government entity, including public schools, or really any entity, government or

00:34:38.880 not, but especially the government, is not a parent to your child. The state does not know your child.

00:34:45.380 I said this recently. I'm saying it again. The state does not love your child. The state does not care

00:34:50.280 about your child. The state does not know your child's name or their favorite meal or their birthday

00:34:54.380 or their likes or their dislikes. It is not the state that will wake up in the middle of the night

00:34:59.160 when your child cries. It is not bureaucrats who will rock them to sleep at night or comfort them when

00:35:03.820 they're sad or help them when they're hurt. It was not on the government's chest that the doctor

00:35:10.220 lay that baby when he was born. It wasn't the government who grew that child for nine months

00:35:15.240 and sustained him with its own body. It wasn't the government who sacrificed everything to find

00:35:19.880 and adopt that child. It was you. It is you. It is your soul right, your soul responsibility to raise

00:35:27.160 your child, to steward your child, to teach them your values, to disciple your child in the Lord.

00:35:32.620 Yes, there are terrible, of course, irresponsible, unloving, abusive parents out there. I'm not

00:35:38.640 speaking to them right now. We know that exists, unfortunately, because evil exists. I'm speaking

00:35:43.760 to you, a mom who loves and cares for her kids. The government doesn't get a say in your child's life.

00:35:50.560 You have been given this role by God. You've been given the tools by God. The government is not

00:35:55.720 our parent. It's not our nanny. It's not our caretaker. It's not our arbiter of truth and

00:35:59.740 morality, and it sure as heck is not our God. Resist with all of your might any effort to

00:36:05.980 indoctrinate your child with ungodly ideologies, to convince your child of that which is not good

00:36:11.040 and right and true, to subvert your responsibility as the primary faith trainer and caretaker of your

00:36:15.840 child. Take this job as a mom, which I know all of you already do. I'm just encouraging you

00:36:22.100 seriously, because if you have not noticed, and this has been true for all of human history,

00:36:28.880 this is not new. The world has it out for your kids. Satan, I know some people are uncomfortable

00:36:34.260 by, uh, uncomfortable with any mention of Satan, but he's real. Ephesians 2 says he's the prince of

00:36:40.460 the power of the air. He has his sights set on your children to use them and to conform them to his own

00:36:47.540 image. The world wants to conform your children to its own image. If the recent trends that we have

00:36:54.220 seen in cartoons and the messages that we're seeing in some curriculum in school is any indication of

00:37:04.720 what direction the world wants your kids to go, I would highly recommend waking up to that if you

00:37:12.900 haven't taken notice of it already. Um, and because as Christians, we know that there's no neutral

00:37:19.000 ground. That is C.S. Lewis says the whole universe is either claimed by Christ or counter claimed by

00:37:24.440 Satan until the day Jesus returns to rightfully take all of it. We understand that we must always

00:37:29.460 be vigilant, must always be discerning, must always be careful, not overpearing, not insulating them from

00:37:35.680 all of reality, not pretending like the real world and other forms of thought and beliefs don't exist,

00:37:40.780 but diligently teaching them what is true, what is good, what is beautiful, what is right,

00:37:45.580 teaching them how to think, how to discern, how to ask questions. We have to do everything that we

00:37:51.020 can to give our kids a biblical education before they start school, while they're in school, when

00:37:56.720 they're at home. And we do this from a place of love for them and for God, not from a place of fear

00:38:01.940 and anxiety. God tells us time and again, not to fear, not to be anxious. That's the same God who knows

00:38:07.860 exactly the direction that the country is going to go, the direction that the world is going to go.

00:38:12.580 He still tells us not to fear. We know God is totally sovereign over our lives, over their lives.

00:38:19.480 And while I do not pretend to have anything close to the wisdom that some of you who have been mothers

00:38:26.680 and grandmothers for decades have, I do have some advice just from the vantage point that I have in

00:38:32.580 the experience that I've gained so far. So I do want to end with just some, you know, practical

00:38:37.500 things just from my perspective.

00:38:45.800 All right. So I wanted to give a little bit of advice from my perspective. I know a lot of you

00:38:52.420 have been asking me to give my birth stories and I've, you know, tried to decide whether or not

00:39:00.580 I'm going to do that. You know, I don't consider myself obviously an influencer because I'm not an

00:39:05.740 influencer. So I don't necessarily talk about a ton of personal things in my life. Now, this podcast

00:39:12.320 is called Relatable. And I think the remarkable thing actually about it is how many of you tell me

00:39:18.700 that you feel like, you know, we're friends and that you know me and that this is a relatable podcast,

00:39:23.280 even though most of the things that we're talking about have nothing to do with our personal lives

00:39:27.100 and everything to do with, you know, big picture stuff like theology and politics and culture.

00:39:31.300 And so I love that. I love that you guys feel like this is a community, feel like we are friends.

00:39:35.680 I feel the same way. By the way, I feel like I am friends with you guys. And I'm very glad that we

00:39:40.380 kind of have that. We have that community surrounding Relatable without me, you know,

00:39:47.000 talking about everything that's going on in my life. Because as you guys know, if you follow me on

00:39:51.060 Instagram, I very much value my family's privacy, I value my kids privacy a whole lot. And I don't

00:39:58.440 shame at all people who share more than I do on social media. That's just not something that I am

00:40:04.320 going to do. It's something I'm very dedicated to, to protect my family as much as I can while still,

00:40:08.980 you know, being having the privilege of being able to talk with you guys about things that matter

00:40:15.500 and sometimes, you know, controversial issues. I will, however, I'll share briefly the birth stories

00:40:23.000 because it's wrapped up in some advice that I have for you guys. Those of you, this is really for

00:40:27.400 those of you who haven't given birth. So if you're pregnant or you're planning on getting pregnant

00:40:30.900 sometime soon, this is really for you. Or maybe it's for you. This is your second child and you need

00:40:36.560 some advice. I'm not pretending to know everything about this subject. I'm just know, I just know what I

00:40:42.540 know from the experiences that I have. So first baby, I just didn't know really anything about

00:40:49.640 birth there. Everyone in my life from my sister's in law to my mom, grandmother had had normal

00:40:57.000 pregnancies, normal birth. I had no reason to think that mine would be any different. And I did have a

00:41:01.660 very healthy pregnancy. I went to 41 weeks and I went against my doctor's wishes who wanted to induce

00:41:08.880 really for no medical reason, except that he just liked to induce, uh, people at 39 or women at 39

00:41:14.920 weeks. And, um, I, you know, pushed until 41 weeks. She was totally healthy. And, um, that ended up in a

00:41:24.740 C-section for what they call failure to progress because I got induced at 40 weeks and five days.

00:41:30.760 Um, and it just, we just weren't ready yet. Um, and so yeah, that ended in a C-section really for no

00:41:37.800 medical reason, um, beyond like, Oh, okay, well we're almost 41 weeks until we probably need to get

00:41:44.680 the baby out. Now, if I had researched more, if I had realized the high C-section rate of that

00:41:49.760 particular doctor in that particular hospital, if I realized that, Hey, there's no medical reason for

00:41:54.720 the C-section. My baby's heart rate is fine. She's doing great. There's enough amniotic fluid. I'm doing

00:41:59.500 fine. My blood pressure is fine. There are really no health problems here. Um, then I would have

00:42:04.240 waited longer. Like there was no medical reason. And I'm not just saying that flippantly. I know

00:42:08.460 that for sure. At this point that there, there was no medical reason for that, but I just didn't know.

00:42:14.380 We didn't know a lot. And that's the case for a lot of first-time moms. You don't know. And you

00:42:18.240 trust the people at the hospital, which I'm not saying they're all completely untrustworthy, but

00:42:21.880 unfortunately, a lot of times doctors will go for the easiest option for them and not necessarily

00:42:28.160 the best option for the mom and the baby and C-sections because everything is so controlled

00:42:33.140 or sometimes preferred by doctors. Now, a lot of times C-sections are totally necessary.

00:42:38.000 And I think it's a, you know, it's amazing technology and an amazing medical advancement

00:42:43.160 that women who do need C-sections, babies who need C-sections can get them. And there's such a high,

00:42:50.040 you know, survival rate that didn't used to be the case when people first started doing C-sections,

00:42:53.720 the mortality rate really until like, I'm pretty sure it was the early 20th century was like 80%

00:42:59.880 mortality rate for moms who had C-section. That's obviously not the case anymore. And I thank God

00:43:04.760 for that medical advancement. But unfortunately in the United States, it's used for reasons that are

00:43:10.620 not medically necessary. And so women undergo a procedure that they didn't really want,

00:43:15.100 that they didn't plan for, and that unfortunately they have to very painfully recover from, especially

00:43:19.720 if it was not necessary. And that was true for me. That was, it was a very hard recovery. It was

00:43:26.980 very painful. And I just was so determined after that. I mean, everything postpartum ended up being

00:43:33.200 totally fine. Breastfeeding was fine for me. The connection was fine. Some people struggle with

00:43:37.740 that after C-section. That didn't happen for me. Everything was fine. I knew though, that I wanted

00:43:43.220 to try a V-back the second time around. And that is a vaginal birth after cesarean. And I know there's

00:43:51.220 going to be some people out there that are like, oh, that's so dangerous. Trust me that I wasn't just,

00:43:57.000 I wasn't doing this alone. I didn't go to some like backwards, like midwifery, some like, you know,

00:44:04.500 woo-woo place. I was still in a hospital and I had a doctor and midwives and a team of people that

00:44:09.600 really knew what they were doing and believed in me and thought that I had a really good chance of

00:44:13.740 having a V-back. And the first time I didn't go into labor at all. Like I didn't have any progress

00:44:18.880 whatsoever. And I won't get into the anatomical details of all of that because of, you know,

00:44:23.440 people who may be squirmish and listening. But if you're a mom, you know what I'm talking about,

00:44:27.520 but I didn't progress any at all in my first, um, in my first birth by the time I got induced or even

00:44:34.220 after being on Pitocin. And so I really wasn't even sure if I could go into labor. I was like,

00:44:39.460 maybe there is something wrong with me. My first doctor had said, you know, you might just have

00:44:43.340 something wrong with you. You might not be able to go into labor. And that kind of stuff really

00:44:46.280 sticks with you. Like if you're a labor and delivery nurse, and if you're an OBGYN, realize

00:44:52.340 that what you say to women when they are giving birth sticks with them forever. I know it might be

00:44:58.780 your thousandth birth that you have attended or you've been a part of. And so you don't think it's

00:45:04.040 that big of a deal as long as everyone is happy and healthy in the end, or a few months later,

00:45:09.220 then you feel like you've done your job. Well, I would push back on that and say that that's not

00:45:13.540 true. Like women remember their births forever. And there are a lot of things that maybe you don't

00:45:18.400 remember because it's a blur and everything happened so quickly, but there are a few things

00:45:22.700 that they will remember. They will remember if they feel like they didn't have a choice. They

00:45:26.720 will remember if they feel like they weren't listened to. They will remember if they feel like

00:45:30.100 they were pressured. They will remember if they feel like they were condescended or belittled

00:45:34.180 in any way. They will remember if you say something that makes them feel like they are

00:45:39.480 defective. And I'm not saying that you have to be overly sensitive to the point of not being able

00:45:44.080 to speak what is medically true and scientifically true to that person, but hold your tongue when you

00:45:51.440 can because women remember everything negative, usually, that you say to them that was unnecessary

00:45:58.820 during birth. So just be careful about that. Second time around, though, I felt a lot more

00:46:04.580 equipped because I listened to a lot of podcasts. I did a lot of reading. I was much more prepared

00:46:10.140 for this birth. And thank the Lord I did go into labor. So I went into labor at 41 weeks. So I'm just

00:46:17.140 someone that goes past the so-called due date. And if you know anything about birth and pregnancy,

00:46:22.060 you know, due date is really just a guest date that women, you know, often go to 42 weeks pregnant,

00:46:27.320 which is another thing I did not know in my first pregnancy. So I went, I wanted to go into labor

00:46:32.980 naturally. I didn't want to get induced. Getting induced actually lowers your chance of having a

00:46:37.180 successful VBAC. And so I went into labor naturally, actually thought that I was in labor because I was

00:46:42.320 having, I think I was like at 40 weeks, five days at this point. Maybe, I don't remember, but I started

00:46:51.860 having contractions and they started getting more intense and they started getting close together.

00:46:56.340 And I went to, so we went to the hospital because they were like 45 seconds apart, but they weren't

00:47:02.520 that intense looking back, I realized. And they were like, yeah, well, actually, no, I, so at first

00:47:08.080 they told, they said, they checked me and they said, oh yeah, you're having, you're having the baby,

00:47:11.800 you're having the baby right now. And, or not right now, but in the next few hours. And then I got

00:47:16.640 checked again and they're like, oh no, you need to go home. What are you, what are you even doing here?

00:47:20.680 And so I did go home. The contractions stopped for about 24 hours and then they came back with a

00:47:26.700 vengeance and they were super close together. Um, and they were really intense. And so at this,

00:47:33.040 at this time, yeah, I was 41 weeks. Yeah. I was 41 weeks when, um, I started having really intense

00:47:39.020 contractions and then I realized, okay, this is a huge difference from what I felt before. Um, and so I

00:47:45.200 knew it was the real deal, but something super strange happened when I was at home. I all of a

00:47:50.820 sudden got very intense chills and I got a fever and then my water broke. And, um, I knew that

00:47:58.560 something wasn't right. Like I didn't, I just didn't feel well. Like I felt sick, but I had never

00:48:03.940 gone into labor before. So I thought maybe this is, maybe this is normal. And I really didn't want to go

00:48:08.300 to the hospital again and have them turn me away. And so I really, I just didn't want to, I didn't want

00:48:13.400 to go, but the pain was so intense. I had really intense back labor. And if you don't know anything

00:48:17.880 about back labor, it is when instead of the contractions being in your abdomen, being in

00:48:22.760 the front there in like your lower back. Um, and that happens typically when the baby is what they

00:48:27.220 call sunny side up or OP. So they're facing up rather than facing, you know, towards, towards your

00:48:32.540 back. Um, and so I had super intense back labor and my plan was to not get an epidural sweet, sweet

00:48:41.240 plan, naive plan of mine. My plan was to go all natural. You who have gone all natural,

00:48:46.240 more power to you. I think that's awesome. I wish I could have done that. I knew, I knew before we

00:48:50.840 left our house and when my water broke, I was like, I am getting an epidural as soon as I get to the

00:48:55.260 hospital. It took 45 minutes to get to the hospital guys. So that was, that was tough. I mean, oh, my poor

00:49:00.940 husband, he did a great job driving there smoothly, but also as quickly as possible. I don't remember

00:49:07.020 what time it was. I think it was like maybe 11 PM at this point. Um, and so we get there and I am

00:49:14.780 one centimeter. And so that is not good when your water breaks and you're in that much pain and you're

00:49:19.320 only one centimeter. Um, but long story short, so they give me something for my blood pressure.

00:49:25.440 They give me something for my, uh, for my fever. They give me something for the pain. And there were

00:49:32.680 just a lot of different interventions and things that were happening. And unfortunately the baby's

00:49:37.080 heart rate couldn't come down. It was really high. And even though I had progressed to five

00:49:42.700 centimeters really quickly, we couldn't get the heart rate down and we didn't know what was going

00:49:47.980 on. So unfortunately I was wheeled into the operating room and I did have a C-section. Now I am very

00:49:54.800 thankful that I did go into labor naturally. And so like, it's crazy how emotional you can get about

00:50:00.240 this, but, um, it, uh, like it really was redemptive in some ways because when I was told by my first

00:50:07.760 doctor, Oh, you probably have something wrong with you and you just can't go into labor naturally.

00:50:11.400 And that really sticks with you. And then you kind of prove that wrong by, okay, I did go into labor

00:50:15.980 naturally. Like I did dilate. I did do the things that that doctor said that my body couldn't do,

00:50:20.620 but just something beyond my control happened. Who knows if it had to do with the different

00:50:25.600 interventions. I don't really want to hear from you guys about that. Sorry, but I don't,

00:50:29.400 it's done. So, and I know that there, I'm probably going to get messages about what I should have

00:50:33.300 done differently and all of that, but you know, it, it is what it is. And at the time it was the

00:50:39.500 safest, it was the safest option for us. Um, and I was super sad. Like, I mean, I had tried so hard

00:50:47.960 for a VBAC. I had fought for that. I had researched, I had listened, I had done everything

00:50:53.480 that I could possibly do, but it ended up, I actually had a uterine infection, um, that made

00:50:58.800 me have a fever also made the baby have a fever, but we were both totally fine. And actually,

00:51:04.500 if this is any consolation for any of you who are maybe going into like your second C-section,

00:51:09.140 like, you know, you have to have one, um, is that, uh, like the second recovery was so much better

00:51:16.040 than the first. It was a thousand times better. Like I was up and walking around a couple of days

00:51:20.300 later, where as the first time that was not the case, it was, it took me a really long time to

00:51:25.780 recover like months, but this time it was like a matter of days and I felt really good. The pain

00:51:30.960 started going away really quickly. I had to be on antibiotics for a long time or like for not a

00:51:38.000 long time, 24 hours. I had to be on IV antibiotics to make sure that my infection went away. But at the

00:51:43.120 time, as sad as it was, the C-section was the correct choice. It was the safest choice and that was

00:51:49.980 okay. And like, God was totally sovereign over all of that. And I'm so thankful for the doctor

00:51:55.540 and the nurse. And yes, I did have to mourn in some ways, like the loss of the vision of the birth

00:52:01.020 that I wanted. And I know that might sound dramatic to some of you, but if you are a mom or you've had

00:52:05.820 a traumatic birth, like, you know, what I mean by that is that people say it doesn't matter as long

00:52:10.500 as you have, you know, a healthy mom, healthy baby. And that is certainly true, but there are other

00:52:15.040 things that stick with you. There are other things that you also care about. Your births

00:52:19.320 stick with you forever and it matters what kind of experience that you have.

00:52:24.040 So my advice for you in all of that is one, please do your research. Don't just say, well,

00:52:30.720 everyone in my life has had a hospital birth and has had an epidural. So that must be the way that I

00:52:35.520 need to go. Maybe it is. And that's fine. I had two hospital births, didn't turn out how I wanted it

00:52:39.920 to, but I was thankful for the hospitals and, um, especially the second time, uh, the treatment

00:52:45.500 that I received there, but do your research. Like there are other options probably maybe that are

00:52:51.580 better for you. Like there are, you know, there are midwifers. Some of them operate out of a hospital,

00:52:57.720 some of them from a birthing center, some of them from home. I've got friends who have had home births.

00:53:03.860 I have friends who have had birth center births. I have friends who have had C-sections. I have friends who

00:53:07.020 have had great, you know, inductions in the hospital. And so I certainly have no, uh, no judgment

00:53:13.840 about the different forms of birth. Just know that there are a lot of different options. And I would

00:53:18.220 do your research. If you are someone who has had a C-section in the past, don't just assume that you

00:53:23.080 have to have a C-section again. If you are interested in trying for a VBAC, obviously you've got to talk to

00:53:28.060 your doctor and you have to assess your risks and all that, but don't be scared to, uh, don't be scared

00:53:35.560 to look for a supportive provider because they very well may exist and get a second opinion.

00:53:42.380 And also it's never too late C-section or not. It's never too late to switch providers. Well,

00:53:48.320 it might be too late at some point, but, um, I thought actually about switching providers at like

00:53:52.720 36 weeks. And I'm very, I'm glad that I didn't because it ended up, um, it ended up being the right

00:53:58.000 care that I needed at the time. But, uh, if you are uncomfortable with the provider that you have,

00:54:02.840 if you feel belittled, if you feel condescended, if you don't feel supported, um, then I recommend

00:54:08.620 switching. I recommend asking around, asking who the best providers are in the area and seeing if

00:54:14.600 you can switch. I know that's not possible for everyone, insurance complications, logistics,

00:54:18.140 and all of that, but don't feel rushed. Like I've talked to some of you who feel like at 12 weeks,

00:54:23.260 you're rushed to find the one provider. You're not in a rush. You've got a long time. If you want to

00:54:28.420 switch at 20 weeks and then again at 36 weeks, if that's what it takes to find you a provider that

00:54:33.120 really supports you and listens to you, then that is personally what I recommend. Now that is your

00:54:38.460 choice. Do what is best for you and your family and talk to, you know, experts about that thing,

00:54:43.660 but don't feel like you're stuck if you're not really stuck. So that's my recommendation of

00:54:49.280 pregnancy and birth. There are things that I would have done differently. I probably would have

00:54:52.720 exercised more and, uh, you know, eat more salads, although I did a much better job the second time

00:54:58.400 than the first time, you know, there are a variety of things, um, like, like that. Uh, but my

00:55:04.760 recommendation is to find a good support team and to be as educated as possible and to understand that

00:55:11.180 God has you in his hands and that, um, at the end of the day, as much as birth does matter, as much as

00:55:18.160 the experience matters, uh, you will, you know, you holding that baby in your arms will be ultimately,

00:55:25.920 ultimately what matters most. All right. Um, and then just some other little tips that I have for

00:55:31.620 what I've experienced so far in my two years of having babies earth side, um, is do not wait for

00:55:39.560 your child to go to preschool or to mother's day out, or certainly to kindergarten, um, to teach them.

00:55:45.220 What I'm amazed by is how much I've been able to teach, uh, my oldest, you know, she's two years

00:55:52.040 old, but, uh, we started learning the alphabet and learning numbers and learning shapes and learning

00:55:57.820 all kinds of memorization things, um, before she was one years old. And because of that, like she has a

00:56:04.280 large vocabulary and she has a great understanding of things, um, that I would say probably most two-year

00:56:10.340 olds don't because we have been very, very diligent her whole life and teaching her things. And that's

00:56:17.100 not just because she's brilliant. Although of course I think she is, it's actually, I think because

00:56:21.740 kids are sponges and we think that they can't learn things that they actually can. And so I have

00:56:26.800 resources on my website, by the way, I will link it in the description to this podcast on

00:56:31.720 allybethstucky.com. I've got like a list of resources that I recommend for kids, not just teaching

00:56:36.840 them the alphabet and things like that, but also catechizing your kids. So that's like you ask a

00:56:42.240 question and they answer with some sort of scriptural response. Um, for example, like the first, the first

00:56:48.940 one of our kids' catechism is who made you? And the answer is God, God made me. And I think that's like

00:56:54.540 as far as we've gotten so far, but, um, it's just a great way to kind of build that foundation, singing

00:57:00.980 songs to them, um, helps them learn and just don't assume that your baby and your toddler can't learn

00:57:08.140 things. They are learning all of the time. And so I've just found that repetition and challenging

00:57:13.980 them with things that maybe they can't quite understand yet, but can go back and think about

00:57:18.880 on their own has been really helpful. And I'm just constantly impressed with what she is able to

00:57:23.760 pick up. And so you don't have to be some, you know, mathematician or wordsmith to teach your

00:57:30.440 toddler things about the Bible or, you know, just basic things that they need to know. I would say

00:57:35.320 if you can set them up as well as they can before they go to school. Um, and then also kind of

00:57:40.360 piggybacking on that disciple, disciple them, um, share the gospel with them in a way that's age

00:57:45.960 appropriate. Um, as much as you, as much as you possibly can, they are not going to understand

00:57:51.280 everything right then. And that's okay. Lay that foundation right now. Um, I know everyone says this,

00:57:57.640 but it really does go by so fast. It goes by so fast and I'm only two years in, and I can already

00:58:03.320 tell you that it goes by so fast and I can already feel that, you know, time seems to even accelerate

00:58:09.380 the older that they get and that we have such a finite amount of time with them. And we're given

00:58:13.960 that responsibility to steward them, um, pray for them, pray with them, um, endlessly without ceasing.

00:58:20.780 Um, the thing that I've prayed for both of my kids is that they would have a fear of the Lord that

00:58:26.980 produces, uh, that produces wisdom. Uh, the fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom. And I just

00:58:33.620 want them to be able to discern good from evil, right from wrong, and truth from truth from a lie.

00:58:38.460 So many people seem to not be able to do that today. And I really want my kids to be able to do that.

00:58:43.480 Um, another more practical thing, and I, I'm, I know this is a long podcast episode, but I'm almost done.

00:58:49.780 And I know this is going to be a little controversial. And if you don't want to do this,

00:58:53.420 it's fine. I'm just saying it helped us. I think like gentle sleep training of your kids,

00:59:00.780 um, is like a game changer. Now I'm not talking about some people think of like really harsh

00:59:06.540 things, like letting your kid, like your newborn cry for an hour. That is totally not what I'm talking

00:59:11.820 about. I am like a huge softie. I don't know if this comes as a surprise or not, but I'm a huge

00:59:17.460 softie when it comes to my kids. And I would not do that. I would not do that. Um, I'm talking about

00:59:23.920 gentle sleep training by creating patterns and routines that help sleep and even help them fall

00:59:31.880 back to sleep quickly. I really like taking care of babies. You can find something that works for you.

00:59:37.780 I know some people are anti-sleep training and they're like, Oh, it's totally fine. If your kid

00:59:41.700 doesn't sleep through the night until they're four years old, dude, dude, like there are options

00:59:47.460 available for you. If you are getting sleep, if your kid is getting sleep, if your spouse is getting

00:59:53.640 sleep, I promise you like your life is going to be better. Your marriage might even be better. Now I

01:00:00.720 know that might not work for everyone and that's fine. I'm saying it worked for us and praise the Lord

01:00:06.860 for having kids that sleep well. I mean, it's really just, it's, it's really great. Like I said,

01:00:11.840 it's a game changer. Last thing, accept help. People really want to help. When I offer to help

01:00:16.820 someone, it's not because I'm doing it begrudgingly. It's because I really want to. And I'm like, I really

01:00:21.200 want someone to tell me exactly how to help. Like if I, if I say, and sometimes you just offer specific

01:00:27.440 help, you know, when someone needs help, you say, Hey, I'm going to do your laundry or Hey, I'm going to

01:00:31.200 bring you dinner or something like that. If someone does that for you, accept it. Um, they're not doing it

01:00:36.380 because they're not doing it out of a place of like obligation. They're doing it because they

01:00:40.800 want to, and it actually feels good to bless people. So I'll give people the blessing of being

01:00:45.320 able to bless, to bless you. Um, all right, actually one more last thing, one more last thing. Um,

01:00:52.520 adjustment from one to two kids. If you are about to go through that oldest, it was 21 months. Uh,

01:00:58.580 when the baby was born, that was hard. It was really hard for her because, um, she just didn't know

01:01:05.640 what to do with a crying baby. She just didn't know what to make of it. She didn't understand

01:01:09.240 what was happening when I was pregnant. And so, um, when we adjusted, that was difficult.

01:01:14.300 Someone told me, give it three weeks, give it three weeks and it'll be better. And that was

01:01:18.160 absolutely true. It took time. It just took a little bit of time and, um, attend to your older

01:01:23.200 one, make sure that they know that they're still your baby and that, um, like, you know, you're going

01:01:30.080 to keep rocking them and that you're going to keep paying attention to them and you're going to keep

01:01:34.120 holding them to, um, make sure that they are attended to and that you don't, you know, build

01:01:39.640 any, any sort of like resentment towards them for having a hard time with the adjustment. Like

01:01:43.760 their whole world has now been turned upside down and they need to know that like their mommy and

01:01:48.860 daddy's baby too, not just this new baby. And I think that that for us kind of eased the adjustment

01:01:55.680 and transition. All right. I hope that was helpful. I know this was a super long episode and we

01:02:00.940 covered a lot of ground, uh, but I hope that you guys enjoyed it. All right. Uh, we will be back

01:02:06.840 here on Monday.

Relatable with Allie Beth Stuckey - August 05, 2021

Ep 466 ｜ My Birth Story & Biblical Motherhood

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