Relatable with Allie Beth Stuckey - Ep 525 ｜ Getting Sober, Fighting Culture Wars & Becoming a Mom ｜ Guest： Bridget Phetasy

00:00:00.000 Hey guys, welcome to Relatable. Today I am talking to Bridget Phetasy. She is a comedian. 0.98

00:00:14.820 She is a writer. She is a podcaster. She is an interesting, down-to-earth, very unique

00:00:21.960 person. And I'm so excited to hear your perspective. She has kind of become a political, cultural

00:00:27.580 commentator over the past few years, but she's just got a very interesting life story. Now,

00:00:33.220 this is going to be a little bit different of a conversation. We're not on the same page on

00:00:38.160 a variety of issues. On a lot of important issues we are, but we have a different theological,

00:00:43.540 religious perspective. We've got different perspectives on social issues, on cultural

00:00:48.260 issues, probably even quite a few political issues. But I just love her. I love talking to her. I know

00:00:55.180 that you're going to be encouraged by her story. We're going to talk about addiction. We're going

00:01:00.180 to talk about sobriety. We're going to talk about God and marriage and starting a family and all of

00:01:07.160 that stuff. I wouldn't maybe listen to this conversation with kids around. There are some

00:01:12.460 things that you're maybe not used to hearing on Relatable, but I know you're going to love

00:01:17.480 this conversation. So without further ado, here is Bridget. Bridget, thank you so much for joining us.

00:01:24.500 Thank you for having me. Yes. Can you tell everyone who may not know who you are and what

00:01:27.920 you do? Yes. My name is Bridget Phetasy and I am a writer, comedian, and I have a podcast and a

00:01:34.960 YouTube show. The podcast is called Lockton's Welcome and the YouTube show is called Dumpster

00:01:39.020 Fire. And I'm just a wife and human. You're a human. Okay. Tell me why your YouTube show is 0.76

00:01:47.880 called Dumpster Fire. So Dumpster Fire evolved. I had been wanting to do it for a while, but I luckily

00:01:54.120 have a producing partner, my cousin, who always dials me, you know, will put a little bit of hold

00:02:01.120 on things, projects that I'm ready to go on. And we were getting the podcast started and had to get

00:02:07.820 that plate spinning. And then the podcast is much more thoughtful. It's like one-on-one interviews,

00:02:13.700 you've been on it. And it's not always serious. I often have comedians and it's fun, but it's

00:02:21.180 definitely more soulful, I think. And Dumpster Fire, we were just, it was in 20, I think it was

00:02:30.160 leading up to, it was like 2019. I guess we just celebrated two years. So two years ago, my,

00:02:38.120 I always felt like people were misinterpreting my tweets in particular, just because I would be

00:02:43.820 kind of snarky or sarcastic and people would take it seriously. And I'm like, I wish people could

00:02:48.220 hear this tone. And I had been wanting to do just a show making fun of like the insanity of everything.

00:02:55.000 And we were leading into the 2020 election and it was just so crazy. And I needed a place to put all

00:03:01.200 that crazy. And so we started Dumpster Fire in my garage, basically just as a way for me to get,

00:03:07.600 be like, blah, very different than walk-ins welcome. And that's just about like politics,

00:03:13.960 culture, politics, culture, anything. I mean, it could, we make fun of ourselves. We're our whole

00:03:18.940 kind of mantras that we'll make burgers out of your sacred cows. That's just like our whole thing.

00:03:24.640 And it could be anything. I mean, we were making fun of Russell Brand barely, like just teasing him.

00:03:29.920 And I was, our audience was so mad. And I was like, oh, you didn't think that was that when

00:03:36.280 we said your sacred cows, you didn't realize that it meant you too. So we just have fun. And it's my

00:03:43.000 cousin and my former roommate and they're on the other side of the camera. So there's a lot of

00:03:49.520 banter. People always joke and say, um, it's one of the meaner comments, I guess, was if I wanted to

00:03:56.900 feel, feel like I was standing at a waitress station, I would go back to work in the restaurant

00:04:01.540 industry. And I was like, I'm doing my job if that's what this feels like. I wanted to just

00:04:07.300 feel very, it's very kind of populist. I think we make fun of like the olds and the poors and 1.00

00:04:12.440 our, we just are irreverent. Yeah. And you are not necessarily a conservative or do you consider

00:04:20.700 yourself a conservative? No, I don't think, I think socially, I still don't share a lot of the

00:04:26.160 values. And I, I come from being very much a liberal, although I don't necessarily share a lot

00:04:34.320 of the social values there, the more extreme ones lately. And so I think like many people,

00:04:42.100 I would call myself politically homeless. I'm a registered independent now. I know that that means

00:04:47.780 nothing and seems kind of wishy washy, but I just can't, I don't, I don't feel like I belong really

00:04:54.400 anywhere. And you used to be a Democrat though. You used to be a Democrat. And then how did that

00:04:59.560 evolve? Why are you now an independent? Um, in 2015, it really started. I think a lot of it had to do

00:05:06.060 with getting sober. I got sober in 2013 and just started writing for Playboy in 2015 and stumbled into

00:05:15.820 the culture wars, knowing nothing about the culture wars, by the way, I was not, I didn't go to

00:05:20.960 college. I had been waiting tables and drinking and just trying to be a writer, but mostly trying

00:05:26.580 to do fiction and comedy in LA and do like scripted fictions. And that wasn't on Twitter, wasn't on

00:05:35.000 any kind of, I just wasn't involved. And when I started writing for Playboy, you have to,

00:05:40.860 I started doing Twitter in 2013 when I got sober because I needed something to do with my lots of

00:05:47.360 excess time and it became my new drug of choice. And I stumbled into the comedy and writers and I

00:05:53.640 was like, Oh, these are my people, the writers. And I, I suddenly understood what you could do with

00:05:59.420 Twitter as a comedian or a writer. It was like the family guy writers and they were so funny.

00:06:04.080 And I didn't even know political Twitter existed. I was just operating in a completely separate space.

00:06:11.900 And then I started writing for Playboy because it was more social stuff and commentary on,

00:06:18.660 I mean, I really was like a chick from the, you know, from the Maxim years who stumbled into this

00:06:25.600 kind of fourth wave feminism of online, very online millennials. And I did not know. I thought I would 0.87

00:06:34.220 get very criticized by the right. And I did, but I had no idea how much I would get from the left for

00:06:43.060 saying things like real man. And I didn't know that.

00:06:45.680 So why were you criticized by people on the right? Like what were some of the things that you were

00:06:49.760 talking about?

00:06:50.380 I mean, I was like showing my boobs online and just being just a lot of being feminist. Like 0.90

00:06:56.600 this is the downfall of society is women like you. And so you saw yourself as like genuine girl 1.00

00:07:05.980 power, female empowerment type feminist. And but I didn't even see myself as a feminist. That's what's 0.96

00:07:13.580 funny. You were just saying what you I was just being like, Oh, yeah, I was having fun. And I was

00:07:18.920 being I did feel I did rage against a lot of the double standards that I felt like existed between

00:07:24.780 men and women. And I was very behind the like, free your nipple, free the nipple. And I just also am 0.97

00:07:34.560 kind of a I think I was working through a lot of stuff to just working through a lot. I was raised

00:07:41.880 Catholic, very Catholic. So I had a lot of guilt around sexuality. I was raped when I was 17.

00:07:48.580 So I had a lot of trauma. I was I just was a hyper sexual, hyper active, slut for many years and proud, 0.99

00:08:02.100 probably obviously, at the time and felt like I could kind of heal myself through permit promiscuity. 0.97

00:08:11.780 Fun fact, that didn't turn out to be the case. Yeah. But I really kind of there's a whole system that

00:08:19.980 supported a lot of that that mentality. Yeah. And I also think that I really, what I've really come

00:08:27.420 to terms with is that I think because I was dating such D bags, and I was not choosing the best men, 1.00

00:08:38.840 obviously not putting myself in great situations, I was still partying and drinking. And I was in

00:08:44.500 cities and men have many options in cities. And I was choosing always the kind of player guys because

00:08:51.860 I like the challenge. And I just told myself that I would be single forever that I didn't want kids.

00:08:59.280 And a big part of me because of my history just felt worthless. And like I didn't deserve love or

00:09:06.240 any of that. If I dig under a lot of the kind of lies I was telling myself on top. So I think with

00:09:14.260 a lot of that was playing out, but I was also writing to men at a time when men were really on

00:09:21.780 the defense, which it was a weird time to be writing for men in 2015. And I was like, guys, girl, I didn't,

00:09:28.860 I wasn't like one of those people who was I wasn't feminist. And I wasn't anti man. And I didn't feel

00:09:34.500 like the patriarchy was holding me down. And so it was interesting to be writing for all these men

00:09:41.020 at a time when they were so so much on the defense. And I felt like people who are screaming toxic

00:09:46.200 masculinity and telling men to get in touch with their feelings were also telling them to sit down

00:09:50.420 and shut up. And there was a lot of paradox around that. Yeah. And that's when I started getting

00:09:54.920 attacked from the left was just for being internalizing misogyny. Yeah. So on the one

00:10:03.380 hand, conservatives are criticizing you for maybe being too, yeah, being what they saw as some kind 0.99

00:10:11.280 of radical feminist who was showing your boobs online. And then people on the left were mad because 1.00

00:10:17.020 that because you weren't mad enough at men and you weren't demonizing men enough. So that's kind of

00:10:22.680 how you found yourself in the middle and in the middle of culture wars without even really trying

00:10:27.420 to be in the middle. No, not at all. I mean, I was learning terms faster than I could even I didn't

00:10:32.120 know anything. I knew nothing. And then what started happening was 2015 was right around the rise of

00:10:39.420 Trump. And everyone kind of started losing their mind. But all these feminists were criticizing Ivanka 1.00

00:10:44.820 and Melania. And I was like, guys, I thought we were supposed to just not be criticizing a woman for

00:10:50.360 her looks or whatever she was wearing. And I was seeing so much hypocrisy. And that was frustrating 0.67

00:10:56.820 to me. I'm like, let's criticize their ideas like we've been talking about or you've been talking about.

00:11:02.100 And, and I was starting to through writing to all these men. And it was really when I started

00:11:12.840 listening to a lot of their own struggles. And I always kind of had this idea that men just had it

00:11:19.060 easier. And hearing what they had gone through with things like erectile dysfunction, balding,

00:11:24.600 all of these problems that men deal with, not feeling like they can show their emotions or cry.

00:11:30.160 And having men write me these long essays telling me how they were feeling about different aspects of

00:11:36.460 their emotional landscape was really eye opening to me. And but also because of the kind of red 0.81

00:11:44.400 blooded American male that I was speaking to and hearing from, I was exposed to a more center

00:11:51.240 right conservative man. And they were writing to you as you were writing for Playboy or just because

00:11:57.680 they found you on Twitter? No, they were writing to me because I would say have an idea for a topic.

00:12:02.640 And on Twitter, I'd say, Hey, guys, I'm writing a piece about balding. Send me an email to blah,

00:12:07.680 blah, blah. And I would get these long essays from men about their experience. And they were moving.

00:12:14.060 I would be crying. We're talking about just how hard it is. Yeah. I mean, the grief really. That's

00:12:19.740 what I really realized reading all of these emails was that there is a profound sense of loss,

00:12:24.960 almost like you experience when you lose someone you love. It is a grieving process because you're

00:12:30.780 grieving this death of a part of you. And they it was just fascinating. And then I would go into a lot

00:12:39.120 of the research about it and different studies. And so I was still mouthing off on Twitter at the

00:12:45.880 time. And I think the first time that I really realized how I mean, I always I never really

00:12:52.100 thought I knew much, but I was a very mouthy kind of liberal just thinking that I knew all the things

00:12:57.980 like I was in the right. And there was a school shooting. I don't remember which one, sadly. And I

00:13:05.560 was mouthing off about it. And then my audience, which had been I'd been cultivating through Playboy,

00:13:12.960 they pushed back and I was like, Whoa, I read some of the comments and they were very thoughtful.

00:13:18.320 They were just like, this isn't blah, blah, blah. So I had them write me essays about how what what their

00:13:23.400 opinion was on. So you had said something about it being about guns or something. I said something

00:13:28.260 like we need to take something very just and when I when they were commenting, I stopped and I was

00:13:34.180 like, Oh, I don't know anything about guns. Yeah, I don't know how to hold a gun. I couldn't load one

00:13:38.900 at the time. You couldn't tell I couldn't tell you what a single gun law in California is. I don't know

00:13:43.840 what you have to do. I know nothing about this. And I'm mouthing off about it. And that was really

00:13:50.760 the beginning of recognizing how absolutely nothing I I knew nothing about anything. And

00:13:59.240 as that process started, I just started getting curious. And I wasn't somebody who was paying

00:14:06.140 attention to politics. I didn't. I just had my head down. I was working trying to get through the

00:14:11.360 day. I think many Americans got pulled off of the kind of a political sidelines in the past five,

00:14:17.420 six years for similar reasons. They just were forced into it, whether it was like they got

00:14:22.700 kicked out of a mommy group for saying something or they yeah, stepped over lines they didn't know

00:14:27.660 existed. And that's when I really stumbled. So I wrote some then I started writing more political

00:14:35.180 things, not political, just cultural things. I wrote a piece for Playboy, which I was shocked they

00:14:42.120 let me write called. It was all about like the silver lining of of like the Trump, if he won,

00:14:50.800 but I posted that on inauguration day. And it was just not good. Like, so just talking about some

00:15:00.120 positive. Yeah, some positive things. And that was like the height of people's anger. Because that was

00:15:04.540 also like that crazy women's march to all that. So people were just not they didn't have the

00:15:11.320 appetite for silver lining. Like 600, I think 800 followers immediately right after posting it. Yeah.

00:15:18.820 And I started that's when people started calling me kind of a right wing. Or did you vote for Trump

00:15:23.520 in 2016? No, I voted for Hillary. Yeah, I was like, I and it was I voted for her for the worst lamest

00:15:31.380 reasons. I didn't like her. I just wanted to be able to say to my niece that I voted for Hillary 0.98

00:15:37.160 like that. I voted for the first female president if she won. Not even really thinking like my my 0.63

00:15:44.100 brother and his family, like they're not exactly like. Yeah. Hillary supporters. Yeah. She probably 0.78

00:15:50.340 would have been like, why? Yeah. Why'd you do that for me? I didn't ask you to. And also like you're an

00:15:55.140 idiot. Wow. You shouldn't admit that. But OK, so that was your reason, though. In 2016, you published 1.00

00:16:06.780 that 2017 beginning inauguration. And then would you say that you evolved even more like while Trump was

00:16:14.120 president? Or did you kind of stay in that messy middle of being like, well, I still don't like what

00:16:18.620 Trump is saying or doing over here. But also the left is kind of crazy. Like, how did you navigate the 0.94

00:16:23.780 Trump years? Not great. I mean, I did. I navigated them, but I never liked him, his character. Yeah.

00:16:30.400 Somebody sent me something leading up to 2020 that really stuck with me. They said I could never vote

00:16:36.680 for Trump, even though I like him, but I like his policies or or even just not like leaving us alone

00:16:44.220 for the most part and support that. I could never vote for him and look look myself in the mirror and

00:16:51.340 tell myself that character mattered. And that was something that resonated with me because I felt

00:16:56.760 even though I didn't vote, I didn't vote for Biden or Trump for the in 2020. I just didn't. I abstained

00:17:02.320 from voting for a president because I just don't want to be bullied into voting either. And everybody

00:17:07.660 was bullying me on both sides. You know, they're like, you're just not you're not. I'm like,

00:17:12.380 I'm in California. My vote doesn't matter. B, I don't you can't bully me into voting either way.

00:17:19.380 I hate that. So I just felt I saw it was hard, though, to navigate because not knowing anything,

00:17:27.980 not having like a poli sci degree, not following politics other than left wing talking points and

00:17:34.220 NPR. I just wrote an essay about how that NPR was like my personality. And because I was in

00:17:39.120 primarily left wing environments, I was never challenged. And I just thought I was right.

00:17:44.620 And everybody agreed with me. Yeah. And I didn't really have to think things through. I was lucky

00:17:50.060 to have people who would push back. But that was really those kind of messy years were when I relied

00:17:58.580 on. I mean, weirdly, I had to kind of rely on never Trumpers because they were the people who were

00:18:06.140 pushing back against Trump from the conservative side. And but some of them were reasonable enough to

00:18:12.520 it was hard to figure out, is this something every president has done that's being completely blown

00:18:18.180 out of proportion because it's Trump? Or is this something truly unprecedented, truly unprecedented

00:18:22.960 because it's Trump? And so navigating that was hard and trying to stay balanced and just figure out

00:18:29.960 like, is this unprecedented? Or is this just a normal thing that's being? Yeah, yeah, that was that was

00:18:37.640 tough. But then I kind of I started doing right wing media because they were the only people who

00:18:42.440 would talk to me. Yeah, I really wanted to talk to the left and be like, you guys should care about

00:18:46.820 the fact that you're pushing people like me away. And as glad do you think it is like, why do you think

00:18:52.200 that the right seems to now be more welcoming of heterodox views like you coming on my show? I'm a

00:18:59.380 conservative evangelical. We probably disagree on a lot of things. We know we disagree on a lot of things.

00:19:04.280 But maybe someone on the left wouldn't welcome you on their show because you are too heterodox or

00:19:10.980 you're just not quite in line with what they deem acceptable. Yeah, I'm not sure. I think the things

00:19:17.260 that you and I agree on are basic first principles like freedom of speech and the ability to have a

00:19:26.200 conversation and the ability to disagree and the ability to maintain your own opinion and debate these

00:19:35.080 things vigorously. And that is something that the left has seemed to lot they've lost that completely, where if

00:19:44.760 you they don't want to hear dissent, they want to shut it down. They don't want to hear people who might be

00:19:53.720 pushing back. It's I just felt like I was a kind of repeat customer at a bar that got taken for

00:19:59.880 granted. And then there were all these like new hipsters and they started catering to them and they stopped

00:20:05.600 serving, you know, like Bud Light or whatever. And, and I've had to find new bar. Yeah, and they didn't

00:20:12.120 really want me there anyways anymore. So I got called a lot of names, obviously, like a reactionary. And I

00:20:22.460 also really I was in comedy at the time. So I was seeing it in the sex area where there was this weird

00:20:28.460 kind of puritanism coming from the left around sex and gender and a lot of wanting to like the police of

00:20:37.740 policing of bodies that I felt was strange coming from what I thought was a kind of free spirited

00:20:44.920 party. And then like, what do you mean by that? What do you mean by like the policing of bodies from

00:20:49.580 the left? Just the talking about what you the the the way you're allowed to talk about bodies or not

00:21:01.520 allowed to talk about bodies, the the like weird stuff that was coming down around women like the 1.00

00:21:07.940 birthing persons and people with uteruses, which to me sounds like the language of a serial killer.

00:21:16.040 Yeah, or the way a misogynist do I talk it was it was very strange. I didn't know how to get my mind

00:21:22.460 around it. I certainly was like many Americans and didn't know I wasn't very online and didn't know

00:21:28.100 all of the lingo and pronouns and babies and a lot of this stuff. And I really realized some part of

00:21:35.720 me was like, maybe I'm just old. And I'm like, get off my lawn. I felt like an old person. And I'm

00:21:40.860 like, maybe I'm just old. And maybe it is that old saying that if you're a liberal in your 20s,

00:21:47.120 whatever it is, like the the one where it's like, if you're Yeah, and if you're like, if you're a liberal,

00:21:51.960 before you're 40, you have no brain, if you're a liberal, or if you're conservative, before you're

00:21:58.780 40, you have no heart. Yeah, something like that. Or like, if you're like that, you're supposed to be

00:22:03.440 old and conservative, basically. And perhaps, perhaps that happens naturally with many people

00:22:10.460 where they get older, and they realize that a lot of those idealistic values that they had when they

00:22:16.700 were young, in real life, practicality aren't quite as realistic as they might have seemed when

00:22:26.720 you're 20. And you're like, woo. Yeah. But I also do think that the left just went super far left. So

00:22:35.060 there's a lot of language around sexuality in the body. And it just seemed like they were having less

00:22:42.100 sex than ever before, too, which was strange. And then there's like this, all this talk about

00:22:47.560 there's this weird anti natalism. Now, this is the thing that's been really coming up all the time

00:22:53.300 lately, which I'm I think is kind of dangerous. And I and I was also through sobriety and therapy and a

00:23:02.200 lot of work coming to terms with a lot of the lies that I was telling myself about sex and love and

00:23:10.560 a lot of the stuff that I bought into, which wasn't really leaving me feeling great about myself at

00:23:18.280 all. And so yeah, it was like, I felt like I was growing up in public because then I started doing

00:23:24.880 media just to talk about a lot of this stuff. And because they were the only people who wanted to

00:23:30.500 talk to me, I got labeled like, you know, that classic like grifter or right wing reactionary and 0.97

00:23:38.400 Nazi and carrying water for Nazis and yeah, white supremacists. I mean, yeah. Yeah. So the anti 0.97

00:23:48.920 natalism, I want to talk to you about that. And I did I heard something interesting from someone who

00:23:55.360 you know, she labels herself like a progressive Christian, like we could not disagree on more

00:24:00.380 things, even though she calls herself Christian, we probably disagree on more things than you and I do,

00:24:04.460 because she's so far left on so many things. But one thing that she said that I thought was

00:24:08.440 interesting that she posted on Instagram was that she only she tends to only see people on her side

00:24:13.220 of the political aisle on the left side of the political aisle be so blatantly sometimes anti

00:24:17.620 children doesn't mean that everyone on the left is. But when she sees that just anti child rhetoric,

00:24:24.000 like she was actually talking about a specific TikTok video where someone was like, F them kids,

00:24:29.360 I don't feel bad. You know, when people are mean, it gets whatever. And she made a good point. She was

00:24:34.400 like, you know, children are super marginalized in the world. Why is it only that people on the left

00:24:38.980 seem to be so comfortable with being blatantly anti children? She said, you know, I never see that on

00:24:44.880 the right. Why? Like, why do you think that is even knowing that, of course, most leftists don't feel

00:24:49.760 that way, hopefully, about kids, but you do see that just kind of like ugliness about kids in childbirth

00:24:55.100 from progressive sometimes. Yeah, it's disturbing to me. Yeah, it's weird. I think I would say for me,

00:25:00.900 it was a lot of self deception. I didn't have like anti kids thing. I always loved kids. And I'm the

00:25:07.020 oldest of five, but I was like, I'm not going to have kids. It's just not for me. But it was more.

00:25:13.580 It was one part selfishness, other part, I really realized now looking back that I wanted a family,

00:25:20.760 not just a kid. And so because I wasn't dating good men, and I didn't have somebody that I loved,

00:25:26.820 kids weren't even an option. Because I wasn't just looking for a kid, I was looking for like the whole

00:25:32.660 thing. I wanted I didn't want to raise a kid without a dad. And it's totally possible to do it. But I just

00:25:40.160 I come from divorce. And I didn't want to have to put a child through that if I could avoid it by

00:25:46.560 marrying somebody that I kind of knew I wasn't really in love with just to have a kid. And I

00:25:52.900 never really was into the idea of just having a child for the sake of having a child. Although I

00:25:57.960 completely understand why a woman would want to. And I just told myself I didn't want kids. It was 1.00

00:26:06.280 easier for me to just tell myself I didn't want kids and confront all of that, that I wasn't dating

00:26:11.980 the right men, that I wasn't in love, that I didn't feel like I deserved love or kids, because

00:26:18.240 of my slutty past and because of choices that I had made and addiction and all kinds of things that

00:26:24.540 I didn't think I'd be a good mom. I mean, so much. 0.72

00:26:28.180 So those were some of the fears and the lies that you were believing that you think were being masked by

00:26:34.880 your you just telling yourself, well, I just don't I just don't want kids.

00:26:38.420 Yeah. And also just and maybe even going over the top and being like, you know, that's

00:26:46.560 those are just for like the breeders, you know, and I don't need to do that. And I can just be a

00:26:54.480 single woman and crush it. And so that was my experience of it. I'm not sure what's going on

00:27:02.040 with this next generation down. It seems like. And I say there is an element of selfishness,

00:27:09.480 too, because how was I going to pay for a kid? I was a waitress who was still trying to, like,

00:27:13.380 get by. So it's amazing, really, like a lot the lies that we do tell ourselves to just justify

00:27:20.080 a lot of. The situation we might find ourself in decisions we're making that might not be great.

00:27:27.160 And also just my circumstances that I didn't feel like were great for bringing a child into the

00:27:35.880 world. But also, I just wanted to, like, party and have fun and travel. And I would have rather

00:27:41.540 done that than have to be responsible for another life. And it was easy to say something.

00:27:50.400 I think there I'm I'm pretty sure there must have been in my 20s. I'm sure if I find my journals,

00:27:56.500 I know I was very worried about the environment. And I'm sure I had that, like, what's the point

00:28:04.480 of bringing a kid into the world? I can just live. And it's like justifying my own selfish desires.

00:28:13.520 By making it seem selfless, though. By making it seem political. Exactly. Like, cool and selfless.

00:28:18.740 I'm doing something for the world by not having a child and just traveling and doing the things.

00:28:22.340 Right. When it really is like the prime act, I think, of getting out of yourself. But yeah,

00:28:28.640 I mean, I've been through a lot of those. They're very basic evolutions. I see a lot of people go

00:28:33.520 through them.

00:28:38.280 How did you meet and when did you meet your husband?

00:28:41.340 So we met in recovery, which is great because we share a lot of those values. But when we met,

00:28:48.080 he was very early to sobriety. This was in 2017. And I had about four years of sobriety. He had like

00:28:57.100 90 days.

00:28:58.120 Oh, wow. Really new.

00:28:59.540 Really new. And it's like a no no to date somebody who's new when you have time. It's just not.

00:29:04.400 And I knew what that first year or two was like for me and how much I needed to be single and have

00:29:09.380 that time alone to all this stuff is coming up, like all your trauma, all your resentments,

00:29:14.360 all your baggage, all the stuff you've just been throwing in the bag. They say that getting sober

00:29:18.840 is like driving 100 miles an hour for mile, 100 million miles and throwing all the garbage in the

00:29:24.660 backseat. And then you slam on the brakes when you get sober and all the garbage comes forward.

00:29:28.600 You still have to. So you still have to deal with all of the garbage. It didn't actually just 0.96

00:29:33.280 leave. You're trying to get away from it. Right. Is that the like the metaphor?

00:29:37.020 Well, you're just like throwing it in your backseat and then you get sober and it's like

00:29:40.780 slamming on the brakes and it all comes forward. And now you're just sitting in all of your

00:29:45.200 garbage that you've been just throwing behind you, hoping you didn't have to think about it.

00:29:50.440 OK, so the driving 100 miles an hour was just drinking. 0.98

00:29:54.740 Yeah, that was that was the drinking and the drugs. And the sobriety is the stopping.

00:29:57.840 Yeah. And you have to deal with all of the trash. So there's in sobriety. There's I know

00:30:01.860 that we're talking about how you met your husband, but just to take a little detour. 0.95

00:30:05.840 So in sobriety, there's no way to not deal with the garbage that you've been driving with.

00:30:11.200 Like, is that part of the recovery process is working through all of the garbage that's

00:30:14.900 in the trunk? I think it's inevitable that it comes up.

00:30:18.500 I'm sure you could find ways to avoid it. And they say it's like peeling an onion.

00:30:22.280 And in my experience, that has been the case. You're only dealing with as much as you can,

00:30:27.900 because if you deal with too much, often it will drive you out. You know, you don't want

00:30:32.840 to deal with like overwhelming. Yeah, it can be really overwhelming if you're suddenly,

00:30:37.280 you know, dealing with like dark trauma that in day 30 of being sober, it's it's too much.

00:30:47.740 So I was. Yeah. And just the process of going through the 12 steps takes you through all

00:30:54.800 that garbage. Yeah. Like when you do a fourth step, it is literally an inventory of all your

00:31:00.800 garbage. It's everyone, every fear you have, all of your resentments, every single person, 0.74

00:31:06.280 place, thing, institution that you have a resentment for can go all the way back to kindergarten if you

00:31:11.620 need to. And then you write, you know, what instincts is that affecting? Like your pride,

00:31:17.320 self-esteem, sex life, money, and you're, and then most important column is the what is your part in

00:31:26.060 that? So you're really look and you're really looking through all of that stuff and taking

00:31:31.820 responsibility for responsibility for it. And this is after doing, you know, turning it over to some

00:31:39.600 kind of higher power. Many people come into sobriety, not having any sense of higher power or

00:31:46.780 anything. So it could be the group of, of the 12 step group. Something bigger than you, something

00:31:53.280 transcendent. Yeah. And for you, this was back in 2013, right? Yeah. Okay. Let's say I'm trying to

00:31:59.800 decide if I want to go to the higher power direction or the husband direction. All right, let's okay. So

00:32:04.000 that was 2013 for you. And then what does it look like in between 2013 and 2017 when you met your

00:32:09.800 husband? Like what does recovery long-term look like? Oh, it's so hard. It's really a miracle

00:32:15.820 anyone does it. And I tip my hat to anyone who does because it's just a slog. I mean, it wasn't

00:32:21.620 pretty for me the first two years. And I was working a very, I was kind of this classic, I worked in a

00:32:28.740 really strong program the first year. I threw myself into it. I went to meet, I had nothing to do in the

00:32:33.520 beginning. I was waiting for this other waitressing job to start. So I was going to like three meetings 1.00

00:32:38.100 a day just to stay sober. You have so much time suddenly that you didn't know you had.

00:32:43.460 And you're still working as a writer? I was not even, I was waitressing. So I hadn't even started.

00:32:49.260 I'd always wanted to be a writer, but I was never getting paid to be a writer until 2015. Yeah.

00:32:54.640 So I just was slogging through it and doing comedy still. And I was like stand up.

00:33:01.060 Mm hmm. Yep. That was one of the other places that just as a quick detour, where I was seeing a lot of

00:33:08.720 censorship. And it was another one of the areas where I felt like I was being pushed out of the

00:33:14.060 left was I was seeing in the comedy world and even in myself. So I was still doing comedy during this

00:33:20.020 time. And I was still waiting tables and just trying to be put one foot in front of the other doing the

00:33:27.480 working the steps. Meditating was a big part of my early sobriety. Thank goodness for this one

00:33:35.040 meeting. And then trying to heal my relationship to some kind of higher power, which had been

00:33:41.140 damaged. Yeah, over the years. And because you were raised Catholic. And then when did you say,

00:33:48.440 okay, I'm not Catholic? Oh, it just fell. Yeah, it just kind of fell by the wayside. I was joked I

00:33:54.900 was a recovering Catholic. There was just so much guilt around sex. And I felt like it was so fear 0.55

00:34:02.440 based. And I think I just moved away from it and became more of like a hippie. Yeah, I was a big

00:34:07.780 stoner. I was I drank a lot, but I was like a huge stoner. And I did yoga. So I was very into like the

00:34:13.440 woo. So my my higher power for many years was like the the it was like a buffet from all that a lot of

00:34:22.980 the new age stuff, a lot of like, the great spirit, you know, like nature was a big one for me. Yeah,

00:34:31.940 I was never think that's how you kind of identify spiritually. Um, I think I'm more

00:34:40.240 uh, I have a interesting relationship with God now. But and my husband and I both struggle with

00:34:51.140 this because he and I are both very skeptical in general. And we'll laugh at how like one because

00:34:57.780 our relationship alone is like, it's crazy. Actually, the story is crazy. We met. It was

00:35:05.860 in 2017. We met it was Valentine's Day and the night before Valentine's Day. And it was called

00:35:12.120 the sad part. I called it the sad party. It wasn't called the sad party. I was calling it that

00:35:16.360 I was like, I'm going to the sad party. And it was to hopefully meet him. Because he had been in

00:35:22.120 meetings. And I was kind of hoping to see him, which apparently is the only reason that he went.

00:35:26.400 And we were talking and he just asked me like such an insightful question that not even my therapist

00:35:32.500 had ever asked me, which was what was the quality of my emotional landscape. I mean,

00:35:36.520 this is why I was a therapist. Yeah, what was the quality of my emotional landscape before I

00:35:41.400 even started drinking? And I'd never even been thought about it. And I was like, well, fear,

00:35:46.800 I was just always in fear. And then when I was leaving, we just kind of shook hands or touched hands.

00:35:53.800 And there was this like electric pulse that went into my heart. I mean, I was letting my hand kind of

00:35:59.680 drag behind me. And it was like something shot into my heart. And I turned around. And I was

00:36:03.780 like, what was that? It was so weird. And then we I got his number. We talked all night. We got

00:36:10.300 breakfast the next morning on Valentine's Day. And I was like, I can't do this. You're you're 90 days.

00:36:15.700 I feel horrible. We can't do this. It's just that but we could not stop ourselves. And then

00:36:21.180 you know, did you feel like you just knew at the time, but I'd also been through relationships with

00:36:27.500 crazy people when there was that spark right away where it just fizzled out. So I didn't

00:36:32.220 necessarily trust it. Yeah. And we I was like, Well, I'm going to mass I was going to it was

00:36:42.160 you were still you were I still go to church. You still go to mass today. Yeah, I still sometimes

00:36:48.720 it's not like I go religiously, but I still go and it was. It was when the Parkland Parkland shooting

00:36:56.560 was. Yeah, what was the why am I just having a brain fart?

00:37:04.060 The one where you get the cross on your head. Oh, my gosh. I'm not Catholic. I know. I'm just

00:37:09.080 blanking. You're not talking about Ash Wednesday. Thank you. Thank you. I'm just pregnant brain.

00:37:15.940 Yeah, so it was Ash Wednesday. And we and we I was like, want to go to mass with me? And he's like,

00:37:22.500 sure. So our first day, he wasn't Catholic, though. He was just like, I want to spend time

00:37:27.120 with this. Yeah, that's kind of cool. Yeah. And you know, we're in the program talk a lot about God

00:37:32.880 and think about it. And. And so we went and we walked in and the guy who is like organizing

00:37:39.560 where you said he was like, Hey, can you two walk down the aisle and bring the Eucharist and the wine?

00:37:44.760 And so the first date we ever had was in a church and we walked down the aisle. Oh, my gosh. It's

00:37:50.460 poetic. It really was crazy. And then we ended up then we came out and there was a Parkland shooting

00:37:57.120 and I was so upset by it and just distraught. And he came over and was just so sweet and nice and

00:38:04.960 loving. And I had no I had no idea how to handle a man like him at all. I didn't even think he was

00:38:11.480 real. It was like, I didn't I couldn't handle intimacy. I didn't I was like intimacy is creepy.

00:38:17.820 Eye contact and sex. No, I just could not handle any of it. And we kept we couldn't stay away from

00:38:26.220 each other. We kept on dating, but I kept I would cry in every therapy session because I was so torn

00:38:32.860 by what I felt what I was doing the wrong thing and also just my love for him. And he was getting

00:38:39.620 kind of more and more clingy the more he felt me pulling away, which just wasn't good either because

00:38:45.260 he was so new. I'm like, I don't want I don't this is so common in early sobriety. A guy will be girl 1.00

00:38:50.420 or guy will meet each other and they'll like make you their higher power. And so I broke up with him

00:38:56.980 like five months into it and broke his heart. And I kind of didn't even think twice. I was like,

00:39:02.340 I'm off to do my single thing. But also my work life was really starting to take off at that time.

00:39:09.840 And and because this is like at the time where you were kind of, yeah, a cultural commentator.

00:39:14.940 Yeah, accidentally. And so we broke up and then 15 months went by. My life drastically changed. I

00:39:24.480 started that was right when I started doing like media. And I think my first media hit was on the Ben

00:39:30.000 Shapiro election special, one of his in 2018. And I was like, talk about I mean, that's a big deal.

00:39:36.640 And that is like as conservative as it gets on Fox. Yeah. Yeah. I was like, Oh, yeah. Okay. I was on

00:39:42.860 that too. I don't think no, we weren't on the same night. But I yeah, I remember I was one on one of

00:39:48.220 those two. It's like a four week special on Fox. Yeah. Yeah, I think I was on with Lauren Chen. Yeah. And

00:39:53.580 it's some crazy girl from Code Pink. Oh, really? A lunatic. Yeah. She like, bombarded Ben in the 1.00

00:40:00.980 middle of the interview with some question about Palestine that was complete. He asked her a

00:40:05.020 question that she was like, Well, let me and he handled it so well. But it was complete non sequitur.

00:40:11.220 Yeah. Yeah. So that was your big like conservative media debut. Yes. And so and so let me back up.

00:40:19.520 My husband comes from a very conservative background. Oh, really? And he's a Republican

00:40:25.760 religious. Yeah, not religious. More Republican, I guess, but conservative values. And his family was

00:40:32.200 like MAGA. You know, I mean, really? His they were parts of his family. Definitely. Yeah. And y'all

00:40:38.960 not in LA. Is he from LA? Yeah, he's from but they're MAGA. Oh, yeah. In LA. But they were like in the

00:40:45.000 desert and then like Valencia area. Not like I'm not super familiar. But I guess it's like

00:40:50.740 the suburbs completely deep blue. No, it's not at all. That's why I always laugh at people who are

00:40:55.600 like, we needed to go like these celebrities are like, we're going to Oklahoma to find somebody

00:41:00.040 who's like these conservatives. Yeah, these Trump voters. I'm like, like, you could drive like 45

00:41:05.340 minutes. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I know you don't you go to Beverly Hills. Yeah. Yeah. Like that's

00:41:11.020 MAGA country. Yeah. And so but he was so kind of turned off by all the MAGA and mostly like

00:41:19.480 the cult of personality being a therapist. I think he's just like, oh, yeah, is so dangerous

00:41:25.620 and repellent. So he was very turned off. And he kind of came to the center and he was going

00:41:31.100 through his own stuff with depression. And then he found guys like Jordan Peterson. And

00:41:37.820 and so I'll never forget. Jordan Peterson, the great gateway. The gateway drug. But he was actually

00:41:44.300 I think he made him more like brought him more to the IDW side. And so I went to his house that for

00:41:52.320 people that don't know, because we I don't even know if I've ever said that. That's the intellectual

00:41:55.960 dark, intellectual dark. Yeah, it was like self self termed by I think Eric Weinstein is one who

00:42:01.860 coined it. And then I think like Barry Weiss talked about it in the New York Times. She wrote about it.

00:42:07.000 It was like this conglomerate of people who are all talking in this middle space. I mean,

00:42:13.780 Joe Rogan really like made all these people to a certain extent because they again, I think he

00:42:18.940 really held the Overton window open. It's this very heterodox world where I would call a lot of them

00:42:25.660 now are probably considered conservative and some of them are like Ben Shapiro is a part of it and stuff.

00:42:30.920 But then not everyone is like certainly not MAGA and certainly not everyone is necessarily on the

00:42:36.920 right in the IDW. No, I mean, Sam Harris certainly isn't. And Eric and Brett Weinstein, I think still

00:42:44.520 consider themselves liberals. Yeah, Dave, I would say probably considered Ruben considered conservative.

00:42:50.400 Yeah. Now, there was a lot of fracturing that happened, I think, in that space throughout those

00:42:57.440 years. Joe is still Joe, you know, he's just being he's I think he and I are very similar in that

00:43:04.320 respect. And that. Yeah. Well, listening to y'all's conversation for sure. I mean, I feel I know that

00:43:10.240 we're going on another detour. Like when I'm listening to him, I'm like, you sound conservative in so many

00:43:15.580 ways, even though I know that he and I probably disagree on like a lot of social things like you

00:43:19.360 and I do. But just hearing him even talk about like vaccine mandates and things like that and

00:43:24.500 different things like, you know, a woman is a woman, not like just a uterus have her that now gets you 0.98

00:43:29.860 labeled as conservative. Right. And I just like I actually appreciate the heterodox characteristic of

00:43:36.860 people like you and Joe Rogan. Like I like that you guys disagree on a lot of stuff because I feel like

00:43:41.660 you guys have a power to persuade someone on the other side that maybe someone on the other side

00:43:47.440 would write me off because they know I'm a Christian. Right. Even though I don't think

00:43:50.640 that's a reason to write someone off someone else might. I like that we have a lot of heterodox

00:43:55.160 people. Yeah. Now that are considered right wing. Yeah. Dave Chappelle and I probably disagree on

00:44:00.760 everything. Yeah. But I appreciate his willingness to be like, you know what? I'm not going to be

00:44:04.640 summoned by this group of people. Yeah. Anyway, it seems like principles of freedom. You know,

00:44:09.300 that's really where there's like this group that's for it. And there's a group that's more

00:44:13.720 for centralization and mandates and speech policing and all that. Yeah. So my the first time I ever

00:44:22.340 went to my husband's place, he had all these books and it was like Ayaan Hirsi Ali, Christina

00:44:28.720 Haas Summers, the Gulag Archipelago. And I took a picture of it and I was like, this is a guy who's

00:44:34.960 like, I'm on a first date. And my audience was half like run. And the other half was like,

00:44:39.880 where how did you find this guy in LA? And so we shared a lot. We just could have like robust

00:44:45.480 conversations. And because I come from the left and he comes from the right, we have really

00:44:50.560 interesting reactions to news stories. And we're both very aware of our biases. And it's funny to

00:44:57.060 just this is the podcast I want to start with him is where we talk about a lot of the mental health

00:45:01.940 and addiction and all this stuff. But also like, just the different ways will react to a news story,

00:45:09.700 just because of our factory setting programming. So it was great. We just always had stuff to talk

00:45:17.440 about. And he challenges me. He's much smarter than me and brilliant. Just brilliant reads all the time.

00:45:26.280 But you all broke up after we broke up. And then 15 months later, I was like, I'm coming back to that

00:45:31.600 meeting. And he had stopped kind of emailing me and being like, why we are meant to be together.

00:45:36.520 And I was like, go away, you're a stalker. I'm like, aren't you supposed to be a therapist?

00:45:42.200 You need to check yourself. And he did. And then he went through like a montage. I think we were both

00:45:47.980 in like montage sequences. But he was really in one where it was like, grew a beard, went to back to

00:45:54.440 his got his degree to be an LMFT. He just bulked up. I mean, so we went to get coffee. I was like,

00:46:03.240 looks good. I mean, he always looked good. But he looked really good. I was like, you're really

00:46:07.600 really hot. And then we, we went and got coffee. And we were supposed to go watch some comedy. And I

00:46:15.320 didn't want to do that. And we ended up going to dinner at Malibu when we were together ever since.

00:46:19.180 And that was like September of 2019. And then I had an atopic pregnancy right away. I got pregnant

00:46:26.660 like immediately right when we got back together. And that was pretty like traumatic and horrible.

00:46:33.900 And it was a really showed me what kind of man he was. He was just there by my side through all of

00:46:42.520 it. Made sure I was okay. It was so loving. Y'all were still dating at this point. We were just

00:46:48.420 dating. Yep. And then we went through that. Then we got engaged. And then the whole world shut down.

00:46:54.300 And then we were quarantined together. Because he was working at a grocery store at that time. And I

00:47:00.080 was sick. And so because and I was living with my roommate, but she didn't want me to come back

00:47:06.860 home. So he and I were in this apartment, his apartment quarantined for like two, three weeks

00:47:11.600 together. And we really got to know each other in that time too, under this crazy duress of the

00:47:18.980 whole world was going through. And just living through that together and being together nonstop

00:47:26.320 day in and day out. I was like, I could be I could live with this man.

00:47:30.740 I could do this forever. Yeah. Yep. And so, yeah, we got married in November. It'll be

00:47:37.160 year November 10. Oh, my gosh. Hasn't this year gone by so fast? It's crazy. The past couple

00:47:41.840 years have been such a blur. It's such a blur. And this past year, I'm like, can't believe

00:47:46.120 it's already been a year. Yeah. And then now I'm and I'm also pregnant. Now you're pregnant.

00:47:51.580 Okay, so were y'all trying to get pregnant from the very beginning of marriage? We weren't

00:47:55.480 trying. We just weren't not trying. Yeah, it's the not not trying stage.

00:47:59.980 Yeah, it's like trying. But it's not exactly like I'm young. I wasn't. I didn't have too

00:48:04.880 much time. I think I really always was like, this is in God's hands. And this is why I say

00:48:09.260 my faith in God now, because of the way things have unfolded in ways in which I cannot comprehend

00:48:20.440 and are truly like how much evidence do I need? Yeah, that something is at work. I don't I don't

00:48:30.620 know what but when I really get out of my own way in those early days of being pregnant, I in the past

00:48:37.520 three months, I've really had to turn inward and turn over. I mean, I've been praying every day. I mean,

00:48:44.340 my husband and I pray every morning. Anyway, we say the third step prayer from 12 step we say it

00:48:49.120 together. But that's like as religious as we get. And what's that?

00:48:56.240 God, I offer myself to the to build with me and to do with me as that will relieve me of the bondage

00:49:01.920 of self that I may better do they will take away my difficulties that victory over them may bear

00:49:06.540 witness to those I may help of that power they love and they wave life. And then that's it may I do

00:49:12.460 they will always. But I love they'll relieve me of the bondage of self. He got that inscribed in like

00:49:18.660 an Etsy wood thing. And we have it. I mean, that's huge. And that's so like, that's so counter

00:49:23.180 countercultural. That's like, I mean, kind of what we talked about on on your show is like the bondage 1.00

00:49:28.620 of self, we hear that more self is going to liberate us today. Yeah, the gospel tells us the opposite.

00:49:34.200 And you're repeating that to yourself every morning. Yeah, without even really knowing fully what you

00:49:39.000 believe it sounds like that's what you're about to say, right? Yeah, that's I mean, that is really I

00:49:44.200 try to ground myself. And I know that when I'm out of my own will, my life is I am better. And by out

00:49:55.500 of my own will, when I'm not attached to results, when I'm not comparing to other people, when I'm not

00:50:02.600 trying to manage the world in the way that I think it should be, and really getting pregnant at 0.99

00:50:08.880 42 out of the frickin blue, I was told that I was in menopause. Like it's truly like a frickin

00:50:14.880 miracle child. So all of a sudden, I want to hear how did you figure out you're pregnant?

00:50:20.040 So it's crazy. And so I in June, I was told that I was pregnant or that I was in menopause,

00:50:25.960 but they couldn't. She wanted to put me on birth control, but couldn't because I also had to get 0.96

00:50:30.480 a lump in my boob checked. It's all fine. But I needed a biopsy. So she's like, we can't add

00:50:35.180 hormones until you get her biopsy. And in that means like think about even like the timing. Yeah,

00:50:41.180 I know if I got on birth control, I was thinking about that today. And we but again, it's so much

00:50:49.140 of like letting go so much of it has been letting go. I've been just trying to we went and talked to

00:50:57.540 a fertility specialist. And he was like, looking at your levels, it's going to be like a miracle

00:51:04.480 if we get we're hoping for that like one golden egg. And I'm not gonna lie, it's gonna be hard and

00:51:10.780 maybe not even possible. And he had me order all these prenatals and I got them like $250 worth,

00:51:18.820 which because I got them from them, which is stupid, but I got them all and 0.68

00:51:23.280 not just prenatals, it was also like ubiquinol, which is something you take to increase it helps 0.95

00:51:30.380 like strengthen cells growth and can help with like egg, egg strength. And so I started taking

00:51:39.960 them. And then I was like, I looked at them when I got them like, what am I doing? I don't even know

00:51:44.780 what I'm doing. I don't want this. I don't want to try and force this because I really wrestled with

00:51:49.160 forcing this thing at this age when I felt like if I had really wanted it, I would have already done

00:51:55.620 it. And I also was like, God has a plan for us. You know, maybe that's not what we're supposed to

00:52:01.460 do. Maybe we're supposed to adopt. Maybe we're there are other ways of being parents. And we don't

00:52:06.940 we're not exactly rich that it's a lot of money. Some insurances pay for some of it, but it's still

00:52:12.920 a lot of money. And I was mad that I spent the money on those prenatals. And my therapist was

00:52:19.920 like, well, just take them. They're good for your hair and your nails and your skin. So just take

00:52:23.200 them. Yeah. And I started taking them. And then we went back. He hadn't met my family because we

00:52:27.880 got married in COVID and they'd never met him. So in July or August, we went home. I started taking

00:52:37.220 them like July. And sometime in August, we went home and he met everybody, all the babies. My

00:52:43.980 sister had a baby. My sister-in-law had her third child. And I kept waiting for like the pang of

00:52:50.300 longing. And my other sister has teenage boys. She started very young. And so we saw how hard it was

00:52:58.160 and the reality. But we were also we sat on the beach and I was like, are you OK if we don't have

00:53:04.360 kids? Are you OK with that? And he's like, yeah, I'm fine if you're OK with that. He's like, I just

00:53:09.420 worry and get emotional. He's like, I just don't want you to regret anything. And I was like, I'm I

00:53:16.820 really just I couldn't like bear to. I've seen women go through that like fertility and it can be so

00:53:25.160 heartbreaking and you invest yourself in it and then you're disappointed. And sometimes it works and

00:53:31.200 it's like a miracle. And I know so many people who are like, do it, try. It's like this huge

00:53:35.600 blessing. But I also didn't want to like lose my mind over it. And we we just decided that we

00:53:43.320 were fine with that. And we he's like, I remember going on that walk and we came back home. I went

00:53:48.640 and saw my OB to get the pills, the birth control pills, and she gave them to me. And I for some

00:53:54.840 reason didn't take them. Mind you, I was taking prenatals every single day during that vacation,

00:53:59.440 like religiously. I never take any pills like this. This is so unlike me. And I came back and

00:54:06.960 I was about to book all these travels. And he's like, will you please take a pregnancy test because

00:54:12.120 my boobs were sore and I was like exhausted. And he's like, Bridget, I think you might be

00:54:17.700 pregnant. And I had you were just like, no, no, no. I hadn't got my period. So the reason I thought I

00:54:21.760 was a menopause was I got vaccinated, didn't get my period for 90 days. Now that could be my age or it

00:54:27.520 could just be like one of the weird vaccine things. And then I got it and I got it again.

00:54:32.560 So I got it in June. And that's when I went and talked to her. And she's like, let's test your

00:54:36.400 levels. You're in menopause. And then I got it. And again, in July. And so when I went to see her

00:54:44.680 again, when I got back in August, I was like, I haven't had my period in like 40 days. And she was

00:54:48.400 like, that's just the menopause. Didn't even test me. Wow. So you're like, okay, give me a

00:54:54.320 freaking pregnancy. Wow. Which is actually kind of negligent giving my history of ectopic. You were 0.98

00:55:00.020 more likely to have an ectopic. So he a week later was like, will you please take this test just for

00:55:07.260 peace of mind before you go to South Africa. And I was supposed to go to Europe and like all these

00:55:12.080 places. And New York and I took it. I was like, fine, I'll take it. It's going to be negative.

00:55:17.960 Was it a digital or was it one of the lines? Like lines. Yeah. And I took it and I was like,

00:55:22.900 see, and the one line popped up and then like immediately the other one popped up. Oh my gosh,

00:55:27.540 what was your reaction? It was just like you couldn't believe it. I called my best friend

00:55:31.440 immediately. Like I texted her. I was like, holy because she's pregnant with twins. And it's IVF.

00:55:37.920 Wow. And she's pregnant with two twin girls. And it's like four days, we're four days apart.

00:55:44.120 So she's, and she's like my spiritual sister of life. We've known each other. We met in Catholic

00:55:50.060 school, actually, when we were in first grade. And I was like, I don't know what to do. And she's

00:55:55.140 just kind of like walked me through it. And she was like, you need to get into a doctor because F her,

00:56:00.080 she should have like, you should have known this a week ago. Yeah. And she basically came and saw me 1.00

00:56:06.100 and did an ultrasound. She's like, it's in there. There's a sack. It's not necessarily as five

00:56:10.160 weeks. Oh yeah. So you can't, you can't do the heartbeat. Yeah. Yeah. It's just literally was

00:56:15.200 just a sack. Yeah. And she was like, I was like, how do I make it stick? And she's like, honey,

00:56:20.300 if I knew that I'd be like a billionaire on the private island. Yeah. Like, yeah, fair enough. Yeah.

00:56:26.000 So. But you could at least say that it wasn't an ectopic. That's what I needed to know.

00:56:30.520 Intrauterous. Yeah. And so it was, she was like, no, it's intrauterine. You know, it's like,

00:56:35.540 there's all this like healthy X or whatever it's called like that, like white stuff you see around 0.98

00:56:41.840 it. And I was like, holy crap. But then it was just like, well, we wait. And so I got a new OB. 0.96

00:56:49.440 Yeah. And made an appointment. And at six weeks, it was weird. It was like, right when the abortion

00:56:57.200 ban came down, the six week abortion ban happened, I was six weeks. That was like the exact same week

00:57:05.200 in Texas. And that was when I, um, you can't hear the heartbeat, but you can see it. So that was a

00:57:12.220 like very strange experience. Have you had another ultrasound since then? I've had two more. I had to

00:57:17.240 go every two weeks because I'm a geriatric. When you saw, because at eight weeks, it looks almost like

00:57:26.060 this little jelly bean with this like little beating heart. And then for me, like it was such

00:57:30.180 a big difference from that first, that was the first time I had at eight weeks. And then the

00:57:34.180 second time I had one at 11 and a half weeks and all of a sudden it was a baby. Yeah. No, it's crazy.

00:57:38.840 Kicking, moving, like flipping around. I saw the brain, the ribs, the teeth. That was insane. That was

00:57:44.440 when I like just lost it. Did you, was that like surprising for you? Well, it's weird. Cause I saw it

00:57:50.060 from the sack and then it was really just, I had to, I don't really remember. It feels like a blur

00:57:56.260 because I was in that weird purgatory of knowing I was pregnant, but like I had to turn it over.

00:58:01.500 It was, and I didn't want to, I was saying on Rogan, like I, I really had to turn it into like

00:58:07.620 a new age mantra person because I have so much fear and really had to face feeling like I didn't

00:58:13.320 deserve it. And I was like, why do you feel like you don't deserve this child? And the fear,

00:58:19.380 just the natural fear everyone has about those scans and the early days and so much can go wrong.

00:58:24.900 And I'm older. So even more can go wrong. And I just really had to pray. I read my little like

00:58:31.580 readings every morning and turned, turned it over. I was like, this is, I kept just telling myself,

00:58:38.280 this is God's got this, like this is in God's hands and whatever will be, will be. And then we,

00:58:46.780 I saw it again at six, like eight weeks. And, and that was when I got to hear the heart and that

00:58:53.180 was crazy. That was crazy. Um, and emotional. And then I saw again at 10 weeks because he wanted me

00:59:01.160 to come just to make sure, because my, the first day of my last period wasn't, it's not accurate at

00:59:07.920 all from when I actually conceived. So he was like, we want to just make sure that you're on track,

00:59:14.040 um, with the development. And then they did the test at the 10 and a half weeks for

00:59:18.880 chromosomal abnormalities in the sex. And that's when we found out it was a girl and things were looking

00:59:24.720 healthy. And then, and at that point too, I was really coming to terms with like,

00:59:34.640 would it even matter if it came back, you know, like the, they do all these screenings and they're

00:59:40.100 like, well, this is so you can make a decision. I'm like, like I've made the decision. I don't

00:59:45.620 think I can be like, I don't want the, like no matter what it, what, right. It felt like such a

00:59:50.780 miracle that no matter what, it felt like it was supposed to be, no matter whether it was

00:59:55.780 down syndrome or healthy, I, you know, there's still, it's still very new. There's still, yeah.

01:00:03.260 So then I got to, then he got to come with me for the like 13 week one where they do the

01:00:08.300 NT test, you know, the like what measure the water in the base of the skull and the bridge of the nose.

01:00:13.320 They do a lot with like geriatrics and, um, they actually, they legitimately do call it a geriatrics.

01:00:20.540 No, they do pregnancy. You're not just saying that they call it geriatric, even though you're

01:00:24.540 not geriatric. No, it's like over 32. I think they call it geriatric. Yeah. It's just crazy.

01:00:31.660 So it's good that they, I mean, they are on the side of caution. Yeah. And then that's when I was

01:00:37.060 like, Holy crap. It went from this little like tadpole to like baby arms. Like she had fingers and 0.98

01:00:45.320 legs and arms and like, like you said, you can see the brain still in the spine. You can see it

01:00:51.600 all. She was like yawning. I was like, Oh my God, this is so crazy. And then he's like, okay,

01:00:56.680 we'll see you in a month. Everything boring. And that's where you are right now. You're waiting.

01:01:01.100 Yeah. But I feel I wouldn't even let myself get excited. Yeah. And I think it was like a weird,

01:01:07.960 I'm, you know, cautiously optimistic by nature about everything. Even if it's like business,

01:01:12.620 I'm just like that. But in this instance, it was kind of, I would talk to my therapist about it.

01:01:18.740 Like what a funny form of self-protection as if I wouldn't be enormously disappointed.

01:01:24.280 Even if I got excited, it's like a weird form of self-protection. Like, like I'm not still going

01:01:30.880 to be crushed if something happened. But it's just my, I, she's like, you have a messed up

01:01:37.340 upbringing. Like this is normal. And many people are, she's like, I was superstitious. It's not

01:01:42.400 uncommon, but it also felt like a weird way of me trying to control something I had no control over.

01:01:48.400 You don't. So yeah, now we're just, I have 14 weeks and it's weird because I'm feeling better.

01:01:56.900 So I'm like, Oh, am I pregnant? Yeah. It's like you go from being reminded of it every day,

01:02:02.220 all day. Cause you're sick. And then, but the second trimester is so much better. And then

01:02:06.420 kind of what we were talking about before we started recording that third trimester is when

01:02:10.440 you like, don't really want to do anything. Well, towards the end of it, you'll probably,

01:02:14.200 I mean, you might feel great all the way through the end, but I went all the way to almost

01:02:18.220 42 weeks with both of my kids, which is a long time to be pregnant and you get really

01:02:23.280 uncomfortable. And plus I gained like a million pounds. Some people don't and they feel and look

01:02:27.240 great. But towards the end, I was super uncomfortable, but there's that sweet spot and you're about

01:02:32.280 to enter into it from like 16 to 28 weeks. That's what everyone says where it's like,

01:02:37.560 you have the cute bump and like you're feeling horny. Well, you are, you like look really cute.

01:02:42.980 And so it's a good time. It's a good time. It's so weird. I'm like, I hope she's fine

01:02:48.460 down there. Cause you're kind of like, well, and you can't feel her yet and you will like in a few

01:02:53.140 weeks you'll feel her. And so that'll be your indicator, you know, like, Oh, okay. She just

01:02:57.340 kicked. She's fine. But right now it's like, are you even in there? Cause she's like, what? Like

01:03:01.120 the size of like a lemon or something. Yeah. So insane. It's so crazy, man. There's so many

01:03:06.820 other things I could ask you. Do you, the last thing, the last thing, since we're running out of

01:03:11.860 time, I wonder if your view about God and that higher power, do you feel like it's changed as

01:03:19.240 your kind of cultural views have changed and even your views of motherhood and marriage and yourself

01:03:24.500 have all changed? And do you think that it will continue to evolve?

01:03:28.800 Yeah. I think it's, I think I've, if I've learned anything that it's just that I'm constantly

01:03:34.480 evolving. Like I don't know anything. I'm constantly reminded how little I know. I just

01:03:39.900 don't, me sitting on that beach and being like, I'm fine without, we're good. We're, we don't need

01:03:45.180 to have kids and then finding out we're pregnant. We were laughing. Cause it's like that old saying

01:03:50.700 of man plans and God laughs. And I just, that's all I've been thinking.

01:03:55.120 Little things with like the lump in your breast, not being able to be on birth control,

01:04:00.180 all of it, all the little things so clearly work together.

01:04:03.000 I know. And it is like a little, it's crazy. It was really fun telling his mom. That was like

01:04:09.480 my most exciting thing. We, we just surprised her. We waited to tell most of our family. I told friends

01:04:16.560 and people that I would need if something went wrong and I would need support from girlfriends,

01:04:21.880 but I didn't tell my dad or like his mom until we got a lot of the testing back and knew what the

01:04:28.380 sex was. So, cause we wanted to, I didn't want her to have to go through all of the, it was anxiety,

01:04:33.940 a lot of anxiety, just trying to manage the anxiety and be like my dumb little mantra of like, 0.77

01:04:40.100 I'm in perfect health. My baby's in perfect health. This pregnancy is going to go perfectly.

01:04:45.840 It's just like, or whatever it will be, it will be, but just trying to manage that.

01:04:51.540 Be positive about it.

01:04:52.520 Counterbalance the negative.

01:04:54.140 Yeah.

01:04:54.920 Yeah.

01:04:55.620 Yeah.

01:04:55.940 It's been a, it's been a journey. I do think, I do think it has evolved. And I mean,

01:05:02.980 it's hard for me not to believe in God. When, when I saw that heartbeat, I was like,

01:05:07.480 I don't understand anything.

01:05:10.500 Yeah. Yeah. Well, I just hearing you tell your story, not just motherhood, but from the very

01:05:16.760 beginning, I see the providence of God and the specificity in his plans and purposes for you.

01:05:23.460 And even just like hearing you wrestle through a lot of the lies that all of us have believed lies

01:05:27.520 at one point, but hearing the lies that like accompanied addiction and then overcoming them with

01:05:32.280 sobriety. Like I certainly see what we would say, like it's the hand of the Lord. And even you

01:05:37.700 repeating, gosh, I think that's such a solid and good prayer that you repeat every morning.

01:05:42.480 If it's worth anything, I feel like I see the Lord in your life and has worked so clearly

01:05:48.520 throughout your life and in the life of your little girl. And so it's really encouraging.

01:05:52.860 I think a lot of people are going to be encouraged by this too. Where can people find you,

01:05:56.980 support you, follow you?

01:05:57.920 Um, you can find me at walk-ins. Welcome is my podcast. So please subscribe. We have talked to

01:06:03.960 all kinds of lovely people like yours, truly you, like you, not me. Um, and we also have dumpster

01:06:16.340 fire, which is on YouTube and rumble. Uh, and my website where you can subscribe. It's like a whole

01:06:23.680 community of very politically homeless people. Um, where we talk about all kinds of things,

01:06:29.720 but I do workouts with the women every day. Uh, we do it on zoom, which I love. 0.99

01:06:34.920 Okay. I didn't know that somehow.

01:06:36.500 I'll give you the link.

01:06:37.420 Wow. I should do that because I'm not working out right now and I need to be,

01:06:41.040 it's a half hour. It's tons of women who just had babies, honestly, like three or four of them. 1.00

01:06:45.580 And it's only a half hour. Are you leading the workout? No, I just put, I stream this one woman 0.92

01:06:51.000 that I love and we all just follow. It's really just like hold each other accountable and to show

01:06:56.780 up. What time is it? It would be like two o'clock your time. And I can turn off my camera. Oh yeah.

01:07:01.920 Everybody does if they want to. That's good. Yeah. No, it's such a great supportive, amazing group of

01:07:07.360 women. And, um, they're just, they've, we've walked through like all kinds of stuff and now,

01:07:12.820 and yeah, two, I think three of them just had babies and some are pregnant. Now I just found

01:07:18.740 out like three of us are pregnant in there. So that's awesome. Yeah. So yeah, I have a subscriber

01:07:23.720 site and that's, it's not even that expensive actually. It's just really a place where we put

01:07:28.720 like the unedited dumpster fire and just extra content. Yeah. It's a safe space. Yeah. Very cool.

01:07:34.380 Well, thank you so much, Bridget. I really appreciate you taking the time to come on. Thank you for having me.

01:07:37.260 I really love you. Thank you. Aw, thank you.

01:07:42.820 Thank you.

Relatable with Allie Beth Stuckey - November 17, 2021

Ep 525 ｜ Getting Sober, Fighting Culture Wars & Becoming a Mom ｜ Guest： Bridget Phetasy

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