Ep 525 ｜ Getting Sober, Fighting Culture Wars & Becoming a Mom ｜ Guest： Bridget Phetasy
Episode Stats
Length
1 hour and 8 minutes
Words per Minute
181.63605
Summary
Bridget Phetasy is a comedian, writer, and podcaster. She is an interesting, down to earth, very unique person. She has become a political commentator over the past few years, but she s just got a very interesting life story. I know that you re going to be encouraged by her story.
Transcript
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Hey guys, welcome to Relatable. Today I am talking to Bridget Phetasy. She is a comedian.
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She is a writer. She is a podcaster. She is an interesting, down-to-earth, very unique
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person. And I'm so excited to hear your perspective. She has kind of become a political, cultural
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commentator over the past few years, but she's just got a very interesting life story. Now,
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this is going to be a little bit different of a conversation. We're not on the same page on
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a variety of issues. On a lot of important issues we are, but we have a different theological,
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religious perspective. We've got different perspectives on social issues, on cultural
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issues, probably even quite a few political issues. But I just love her. I love talking to her. I know
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that you're going to be encouraged by her story. We're going to talk about addiction. We're going
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to talk about sobriety. We're going to talk about God and marriage and starting a family and all of
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that stuff. I wouldn't maybe listen to this conversation with kids around. There are some
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things that you're maybe not used to hearing on Relatable, but I know you're going to love
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this conversation. So without further ado, here is Bridget. Bridget, thank you so much for joining us.
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Thank you for having me. Yes. Can you tell everyone who may not know who you are and what
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you do? Yes. My name is Bridget Phetasy and I am a writer, comedian, and I have a podcast and a
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YouTube show. The podcast is called Lockton's Welcome and the YouTube show is called Dumpster
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Fire. And I'm just a wife and human. You're a human. Okay. Tell me why your YouTube show is
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called Dumpster Fire. So Dumpster Fire evolved. I had been wanting to do it for a while, but I luckily
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have a producing partner, my cousin, who always dials me, you know, will put a little bit of hold
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on things, projects that I'm ready to go on. And we were getting the podcast started and had to get
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that plate spinning. And then the podcast is much more thoughtful. It's like one-on-one interviews,
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you've been on it. And it's not always serious. I often have comedians and it's fun, but it's
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definitely more soulful, I think. And Dumpster Fire, we were just, it was in 20, I think it was
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leading up to, it was like 2019. I guess we just celebrated two years. So two years ago, my,
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I always felt like people were misinterpreting my tweets in particular, just because I would be
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kind of snarky or sarcastic and people would take it seriously. And I'm like, I wish people could
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hear this tone. And I had been wanting to do just a show making fun of like the insanity of everything.
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And we were leading into the 2020 election and it was just so crazy. And I needed a place to put all
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that crazy. And so we started Dumpster Fire in my garage, basically just as a way for me to get,
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be like, blah, very different than walk-ins welcome. And that's just about like politics,
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culture, politics, culture, anything. I mean, it could, we make fun of ourselves. We're our whole
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kind of mantras that we'll make burgers out of your sacred cows. That's just like our whole thing.
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And it could be anything. I mean, we were making fun of Russell Brand barely, like just teasing him.
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And I was, our audience was so mad. And I was like, oh, you didn't think that was that when
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we said your sacred cows, you didn't realize that it meant you too. So we just have fun. And it's my
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cousin and my former roommate and they're on the other side of the camera. So there's a lot of
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banter. People always joke and say, um, it's one of the meaner comments, I guess, was if I wanted to
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feel, feel like I was standing at a waitress station, I would go back to work in the restaurant
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industry. And I was like, I'm doing my job if that's what this feels like. I wanted to just
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feel very, it's very kind of populist. I think we make fun of like the olds and the poors and
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our, we just are irreverent. Yeah. And you are not necessarily a conservative or do you consider
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yourself a conservative? No, I don't think, I think socially, I still don't share a lot of the
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values. And I, I come from being very much a liberal, although I don't necessarily share a lot
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of the social values there, the more extreme ones lately. And so I think like many people,
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I would call myself politically homeless. I'm a registered independent now. I know that that means
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nothing and seems kind of wishy washy, but I just can't, I don't, I don't feel like I belong really
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anywhere. And you used to be a Democrat though. You used to be a Democrat. And then how did that
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evolve? Why are you now an independent? Um, in 2015, it really started. I think a lot of it had to do
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with getting sober. I got sober in 2013 and just started writing for Playboy in 2015 and stumbled into
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the culture wars, knowing nothing about the culture wars, by the way, I was not, I didn't go to
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college. I had been waiting tables and drinking and just trying to be a writer, but mostly trying
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to do fiction and comedy in LA and do like scripted fictions. And that wasn't on Twitter, wasn't on
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any kind of, I just wasn't involved. And when I started writing for Playboy, you have to,
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I started doing Twitter in 2013 when I got sober because I needed something to do with my lots of
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excess time and it became my new drug of choice. And I stumbled into the comedy and writers and I
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was like, Oh, these are my people, the writers. And I, I suddenly understood what you could do with
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Twitter as a comedian or a writer. It was like the family guy writers and they were so funny.
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And I didn't even know political Twitter existed. I was just operating in a completely separate space.
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And then I started writing for Playboy because it was more social stuff and commentary on,
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I mean, I really was like a chick from the, you know, from the Maxim years who stumbled into this
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kind of fourth wave feminism of online, very online millennials. And I did not know. I thought I would
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get very criticized by the right. And I did, but I had no idea how much I would get from the left for
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saying things like real man. And I didn't know that.
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So why were you criticized by people on the right? Like what were some of the things that you were
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I mean, I was like showing my boobs online and just being just a lot of being feminist. Like
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this is the downfall of society is women like you. And so you saw yourself as like genuine girl
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power, female empowerment type feminist. And but I didn't even see myself as a feminist. That's what's
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funny. You were just saying what you I was just being like, Oh, yeah, I was having fun. And I was
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being I did feel I did rage against a lot of the double standards that I felt like existed between
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men and women. And I was very behind the like, free your nipple, free the nipple. And I just also am
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kind of a I think I was working through a lot of stuff to just working through a lot. I was raised
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Catholic, very Catholic. So I had a lot of guilt around sexuality. I was raped when I was 17.
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So I had a lot of trauma. I was I just was a hyper sexual, hyper active, slut for many years and proud,
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probably obviously, at the time and felt like I could kind of heal myself through permit promiscuity.
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Fun fact, that didn't turn out to be the case. Yeah. But I really kind of there's a whole system that
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supported a lot of that that mentality. Yeah. And I also think that I really, what I've really come
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to terms with is that I think because I was dating such D bags, and I was not choosing the best men,
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obviously not putting myself in great situations, I was still partying and drinking. And I was in
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cities and men have many options in cities. And I was choosing always the kind of player guys because
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I like the challenge. And I just told myself that I would be single forever that I didn't want kids.
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And a big part of me because of my history just felt worthless. And like I didn't deserve love or
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any of that. If I dig under a lot of the kind of lies I was telling myself on top. So I think with
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a lot of that was playing out, but I was also writing to men at a time when men were really on
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the defense, which it was a weird time to be writing for men in 2015. And I was like, guys, girl, I didn't,
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I wasn't like one of those people who was I wasn't feminist. And I wasn't anti man. And I didn't feel
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like the patriarchy was holding me down. And so it was interesting to be writing for all these men
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at a time when they were so so much on the defense. And I felt like people who are screaming toxic
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masculinity and telling men to get in touch with their feelings were also telling them to sit down
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and shut up. And there was a lot of paradox around that. Yeah. And that's when I started getting
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attacked from the left was just for being internalizing misogyny. Yeah. So on the one
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hand, conservatives are criticizing you for maybe being too, yeah, being what they saw as some kind
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of radical feminist who was showing your boobs online. And then people on the left were mad because
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that because you weren't mad enough at men and you weren't demonizing men enough. So that's kind of
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how you found yourself in the middle and in the middle of culture wars without even really trying
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to be in the middle. No, not at all. I mean, I was learning terms faster than I could even I didn't
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know anything. I knew nothing. And then what started happening was 2015 was right around the rise of
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Trump. And everyone kind of started losing their mind. But all these feminists were criticizing Ivanka
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and Melania. And I was like, guys, I thought we were supposed to just not be criticizing a woman for
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her looks or whatever she was wearing. And I was seeing so much hypocrisy. And that was frustrating
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to me. I'm like, let's criticize their ideas like we've been talking about or you've been talking about.
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And, and I was starting to through writing to all these men. And it was really when I started
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listening to a lot of their own struggles. And I always kind of had this idea that men just had it
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easier. And hearing what they had gone through with things like erectile dysfunction, balding,
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all of these problems that men deal with, not feeling like they can show their emotions or cry.
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And having men write me these long essays telling me how they were feeling about different aspects of
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their emotional landscape was really eye opening to me. And but also because of the kind of red
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blooded American male that I was speaking to and hearing from, I was exposed to a more center
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right conservative man. And they were writing to you as you were writing for Playboy or just because
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they found you on Twitter? No, they were writing to me because I would say have an idea for a topic.
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And on Twitter, I'd say, Hey, guys, I'm writing a piece about balding. Send me an email to blah,
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blah, blah. And I would get these long essays from men about their experience. And they were moving.
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I would be crying. We're talking about just how hard it is. Yeah. I mean, the grief really. That's
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what I really realized reading all of these emails was that there is a profound sense of loss,
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almost like you experience when you lose someone you love. It is a grieving process because you're
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grieving this death of a part of you. And they it was just fascinating. And then I would go into a lot
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of the research about it and different studies. And so I was still mouthing off on Twitter at the
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time. And I think the first time that I really realized how I mean, I always I never really
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thought I knew much, but I was a very mouthy kind of liberal just thinking that I knew all the things
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like I was in the right. And there was a school shooting. I don't remember which one, sadly. And I
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was mouthing off about it. And then my audience, which had been I'd been cultivating through Playboy,
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they pushed back and I was like, Whoa, I read some of the comments and they were very thoughtful.
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They were just like, this isn't blah, blah, blah. So I had them write me essays about how what what their
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opinion was on. So you had said something about it being about guns or something. I said something
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like we need to take something very just and when I when they were commenting, I stopped and I was
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like, Oh, I don't know anything about guns. Yeah, I don't know how to hold a gun. I couldn't load one
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at the time. You couldn't tell I couldn't tell you what a single gun law in California is. I don't know
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what you have to do. I know nothing about this. And I'm mouthing off about it. And that was really
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the beginning of recognizing how absolutely nothing I I knew nothing about anything. And
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as that process started, I just started getting curious. And I wasn't somebody who was paying
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attention to politics. I didn't. I just had my head down. I was working trying to get through the
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day. I think many Americans got pulled off of the kind of a political sidelines in the past five,
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six years for similar reasons. They just were forced into it, whether it was like they got
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kicked out of a mommy group for saying something or they yeah, stepped over lines they didn't know
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existed. And that's when I really stumbled. So I wrote some then I started writing more political
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things, not political, just cultural things. I wrote a piece for Playboy, which I was shocked they
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let me write called. It was all about like the silver lining of of like the Trump, if he won,
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but I posted that on inauguration day. And it was just not good. Like, so just talking about some
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positive. Yeah, some positive things. And that was like the height of people's anger. Because that was
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also like that crazy women's march to all that. So people were just not they didn't have the
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appetite for silver lining. Like 600, I think 800 followers immediately right after posting it. Yeah.
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And I started that's when people started calling me kind of a right wing. Or did you vote for Trump
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in 2016? No, I voted for Hillary. Yeah, I was like, I and it was I voted for her for the worst lamest
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reasons. I didn't like her. I just wanted to be able to say to my niece that I voted for Hillary
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like that. I voted for the first female president if she won. Not even really thinking like my my
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brother and his family, like they're not exactly like. Yeah. Hillary supporters. Yeah. She probably
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would have been like, why? Yeah. Why'd you do that for me? I didn't ask you to. And also like you're an
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idiot. Wow. You shouldn't admit that. But OK, so that was your reason, though. In 2016, you published
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that 2017 beginning inauguration. And then would you say that you evolved even more like while Trump was
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president? Or did you kind of stay in that messy middle of being like, well, I still don't like what
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Trump is saying or doing over here. But also the left is kind of crazy. Like, how did you navigate the
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Trump years? Not great. I mean, I did. I navigated them, but I never liked him, his character. Yeah.
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Somebody sent me something leading up to 2020 that really stuck with me. They said I could never vote
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for Trump, even though I like him, but I like his policies or or even just not like leaving us alone
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for the most part and support that. I could never vote for him and look look myself in the mirror and
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tell myself that character mattered. And that was something that resonated with me because I felt
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even though I didn't vote, I didn't vote for Biden or Trump for the in 2020. I just didn't. I abstained
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from voting for a president because I just don't want to be bullied into voting either. And everybody
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was bullying me on both sides. You know, they're like, you're just not you're not. I'm like,
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I'm in California. My vote doesn't matter. B, I don't you can't bully me into voting either way.
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I hate that. So I just felt I saw it was hard, though, to navigate because not knowing anything,
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not having like a poli sci degree, not following politics other than left wing talking points and
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NPR. I just wrote an essay about how that NPR was like my personality. And because I was in
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primarily left wing environments, I was never challenged. And I just thought I was right.
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And everybody agreed with me. Yeah. And I didn't really have to think things through. I was lucky
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to have people who would push back. But that was really those kind of messy years were when I relied
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on. I mean, weirdly, I had to kind of rely on never Trumpers because they were the people who were
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pushing back against Trump from the conservative side. And but some of them were reasonable enough to
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it was hard to figure out, is this something every president has done that's being completely blown
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out of proportion because it's Trump? Or is this something truly unprecedented, truly unprecedented
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because it's Trump? And so navigating that was hard and trying to stay balanced and just figure out
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like, is this unprecedented? Or is this just a normal thing that's being? Yeah, yeah, that was that was
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tough. But then I kind of I started doing right wing media because they were the only people who
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would talk to me. Yeah, I really wanted to talk to the left and be like, you guys should care about
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the fact that you're pushing people like me away. And as glad do you think it is like, why do you think
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that the right seems to now be more welcoming of heterodox views like you coming on my show? I'm a
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conservative evangelical. We probably disagree on a lot of things. We know we disagree on a lot of things.
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But maybe someone on the left wouldn't welcome you on their show because you are too heterodox or
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you're just not quite in line with what they deem acceptable. Yeah, I'm not sure. I think the things
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that you and I agree on are basic first principles like freedom of speech and the ability to have a
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conversation and the ability to disagree and the ability to maintain your own opinion and debate these
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things vigorously. And that is something that the left has seemed to lot they've lost that completely, where if
00:19:44.760
you they don't want to hear dissent, they want to shut it down. They don't want to hear people who might be
00:19:53.720
pushing back. It's I just felt like I was a kind of repeat customer at a bar that got taken for
00:19:59.880
granted. And then there were all these like new hipsters and they started catering to them and they stopped
00:20:05.600
serving, you know, like Bud Light or whatever. And, and I've had to find new bar. Yeah, and they didn't
00:20:12.120
really want me there anyways anymore. So I got called a lot of names, obviously, like a reactionary. And I
00:20:22.460
also really I was in comedy at the time. So I was seeing it in the sex area where there was this weird
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kind of puritanism coming from the left around sex and gender and a lot of wanting to like the police of
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policing of bodies that I felt was strange coming from what I thought was a kind of free spirited
00:20:44.920
party. And then like, what do you mean by that? What do you mean by like the policing of bodies from
00:20:49.580
the left? Just the talking about what you the the the way you're allowed to talk about bodies or not
00:21:01.520
allowed to talk about bodies, the the like weird stuff that was coming down around women like the
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birthing persons and people with uteruses, which to me sounds like the language of a serial killer.
00:21:16.040
Yeah, or the way a misogynist do I talk it was it was very strange. I didn't know how to get my mind
00:21:22.460
around it. I certainly was like many Americans and didn't know I wasn't very online and didn't know
00:21:28.100
all of the lingo and pronouns and babies and a lot of this stuff. And I really realized some part of
00:21:35.720
me was like, maybe I'm just old. And I'm like, get off my lawn. I felt like an old person. And I'm
00:21:40.860
like, maybe I'm just old. And maybe it is that old saying that if you're a liberal in your 20s,
00:21:47.120
whatever it is, like the the one where it's like, if you're Yeah, and if you're like, if you're a liberal,
00:21:51.960
before you're 40, you have no brain, if you're a liberal, or if you're conservative, before you're
00:21:58.780
40, you have no heart. Yeah, something like that. Or like, if you're like that, you're supposed to be
00:22:03.440
old and conservative, basically. And perhaps, perhaps that happens naturally with many people
00:22:10.460
where they get older, and they realize that a lot of those idealistic values that they had when they
00:22:16.700
were young, in real life, practicality aren't quite as realistic as they might have seemed when
00:22:26.720
you're 20. And you're like, woo. Yeah. But I also do think that the left just went super far left. So
00:22:35.060
there's a lot of language around sexuality in the body. And it just seemed like they were having less
00:22:42.100
sex than ever before, too, which was strange. And then there's like this, all this talk about
00:22:47.560
there's this weird anti natalism. Now, this is the thing that's been really coming up all the time
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lately, which I'm I think is kind of dangerous. And I and I was also through sobriety and therapy and a
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lot of work coming to terms with a lot of the lies that I was telling myself about sex and love and
00:23:10.560
a lot of the stuff that I bought into, which wasn't really leaving me feeling great about myself at
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all. And so yeah, it was like, I felt like I was growing up in public because then I started doing
00:23:24.880
media just to talk about a lot of this stuff. And because they were the only people who wanted to
00:23:30.500
talk to me, I got labeled like, you know, that classic like grifter or right wing reactionary and
00:23:38.400
Nazi and carrying water for Nazis and yeah, white supremacists. I mean, yeah. Yeah. So the anti
00:23:48.920
natalism, I want to talk to you about that. And I did I heard something interesting from someone who
00:23:55.360
you know, she labels herself like a progressive Christian, like we could not disagree on more
00:24:00.380
things, even though she calls herself Christian, we probably disagree on more things than you and I do,
00:24:04.460
because she's so far left on so many things. But one thing that she said that I thought was
00:24:08.440
interesting that she posted on Instagram was that she only she tends to only see people on her side
00:24:13.220
of the political aisle on the left side of the political aisle be so blatantly sometimes anti
00:24:17.620
children doesn't mean that everyone on the left is. But when she sees that just anti child rhetoric,
00:24:24.000
like she was actually talking about a specific TikTok video where someone was like, F them kids,
00:24:29.360
I don't feel bad. You know, when people are mean, it gets whatever. And she made a good point. She was
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like, you know, children are super marginalized in the world. Why is it only that people on the left
00:24:38.980
seem to be so comfortable with being blatantly anti children? She said, you know, I never see that on
00:24:44.880
the right. Why? Like, why do you think that is even knowing that, of course, most leftists don't feel
00:24:49.760
that way, hopefully, about kids, but you do see that just kind of like ugliness about kids in childbirth
00:24:55.100
from progressive sometimes. Yeah, it's disturbing to me. Yeah, it's weird. I think I would say for me,
00:25:00.900
it was a lot of self deception. I didn't have like anti kids thing. I always loved kids. And I'm the
00:25:07.020
oldest of five, but I was like, I'm not going to have kids. It's just not for me. But it was more.
00:25:13.580
It was one part selfishness, other part, I really realized now looking back that I wanted a family,
00:25:20.760
not just a kid. And so because I wasn't dating good men, and I didn't have somebody that I loved,
00:25:26.820
kids weren't even an option. Because I wasn't just looking for a kid, I was looking for like the whole
00:25:32.660
thing. I wanted I didn't want to raise a kid without a dad. And it's totally possible to do it. But I just
00:25:40.160
I come from divorce. And I didn't want to have to put a child through that if I could avoid it by
00:25:46.560
marrying somebody that I kind of knew I wasn't really in love with just to have a kid. And I
00:25:52.900
never really was into the idea of just having a child for the sake of having a child. Although I
00:25:57.960
completely understand why a woman would want to. And I just told myself I didn't want kids. It was
00:26:06.280
easier for me to just tell myself I didn't want kids and confront all of that, that I wasn't dating
00:26:11.980
the right men, that I wasn't in love, that I didn't feel like I deserved love or kids, because
00:26:18.240
of my slutty past and because of choices that I had made and addiction and all kinds of things that
00:26:24.540
I didn't think I'd be a good mom. I mean, so much.
00:26:28.180
So those were some of the fears and the lies that you were believing that you think were being masked by
00:26:34.880
your you just telling yourself, well, I just don't I just don't want kids.
00:26:38.420
Yeah. And also just and maybe even going over the top and being like, you know, that's
00:26:46.560
those are just for like the breeders, you know, and I don't need to do that. And I can just be a
00:26:54.480
single woman and crush it. And so that was my experience of it. I'm not sure what's going on
00:27:02.040
with this next generation down. It seems like. And I say there is an element of selfishness,
00:27:09.480
too, because how was I going to pay for a kid? I was a waitress who was still trying to, like,
00:27:13.380
get by. So it's amazing, really, like a lot the lies that we do tell ourselves to just justify
00:27:20.080
a lot of. The situation we might find ourself in decisions we're making that might not be great.
00:27:27.160
And also just my circumstances that I didn't feel like were great for bringing a child into the
00:27:35.880
world. But also, I just wanted to, like, party and have fun and travel. And I would have rather
00:27:41.540
done that than have to be responsible for another life. And it was easy to say something.
00:27:50.400
I think there I'm I'm pretty sure there must have been in my 20s. I'm sure if I find my journals,
00:27:56.500
I know I was very worried about the environment. And I'm sure I had that, like, what's the point
00:28:04.480
of bringing a kid into the world? I can just live. And it's like justifying my own selfish desires.
00:28:13.520
By making it seem selfless, though. By making it seem political. Exactly. Like, cool and selfless.
00:28:18.740
I'm doing something for the world by not having a child and just traveling and doing the things.
00:28:22.340
Right. When it really is like the prime act, I think, of getting out of yourself. But yeah,
00:28:28.640
I mean, I've been through a lot of those. They're very basic evolutions. I see a lot of people go
00:28:38.280
How did you meet and when did you meet your husband?
00:28:41.340
So we met in recovery, which is great because we share a lot of those values. But when we met,
00:28:48.080
he was very early to sobriety. This was in 2017. And I had about four years of sobriety. He had like
00:28:59.540
Really new. And it's like a no no to date somebody who's new when you have time. It's just not.
00:29:04.400
And I knew what that first year or two was like for me and how much I needed to be single and have
00:29:09.380
that time alone to all this stuff is coming up, like all your trauma, all your resentments,
00:29:14.360
all your baggage, all the stuff you've just been throwing in the bag. They say that getting sober
00:29:18.840
is like driving 100 miles an hour for mile, 100 million miles and throwing all the garbage in the
00:29:24.660
backseat. And then you slam on the brakes when you get sober and all the garbage comes forward.
00:29:28.600
You still have to. So you still have to deal with all of the garbage. It didn't actually just
00:29:33.280
leave. You're trying to get away from it. Right. Is that the like the metaphor?
00:29:37.020
Well, you're just like throwing it in your backseat and then you get sober and it's like
00:29:40.780
slamming on the brakes and it all comes forward. And now you're just sitting in all of your
00:29:45.200
garbage that you've been just throwing behind you, hoping you didn't have to think about it.
00:29:50.440
OK, so the driving 100 miles an hour was just drinking.
00:29:54.740
Yeah, that was that was the drinking and the drugs. And the sobriety is the stopping.
00:29:57.840
Yeah. And you have to deal with all of the trash. So there's in sobriety. There's I know
00:30:01.860
that we're talking about how you met your husband, but just to take a little detour.
00:30:05.840
So in sobriety, there's no way to not deal with the garbage that you've been driving with.
00:30:11.200
Like, is that part of the recovery process is working through all of the garbage that's
00:30:14.900
in the trunk? I think it's inevitable that it comes up.
00:30:18.500
I'm sure you could find ways to avoid it. And they say it's like peeling an onion.
00:30:22.280
And in my experience, that has been the case. You're only dealing with as much as you can,
00:30:27.900
because if you deal with too much, often it will drive you out. You know, you don't want
00:30:32.840
to deal with like overwhelming. Yeah, it can be really overwhelming if you're suddenly,
00:30:37.280
you know, dealing with like dark trauma that in day 30 of being sober, it's it's too much.
00:30:47.740
So I was. Yeah. And just the process of going through the 12 steps takes you through all
00:30:54.800
that garbage. Yeah. Like when you do a fourth step, it is literally an inventory of all your
00:31:00.800
garbage. It's everyone, every fear you have, all of your resentments, every single person,
00:31:06.280
place, thing, institution that you have a resentment for can go all the way back to kindergarten if you
00:31:11.620
need to. And then you write, you know, what instincts is that affecting? Like your pride,
00:31:17.320
self-esteem, sex life, money, and you're, and then most important column is the what is your part in
00:31:26.060
that? So you're really look and you're really looking through all of that stuff and taking
00:31:31.820
responsibility for responsibility for it. And this is after doing, you know, turning it over to some
00:31:39.600
kind of higher power. Many people come into sobriety, not having any sense of higher power or
00:31:46.780
anything. So it could be the group of, of the 12 step group. Something bigger than you, something
00:31:53.280
transcendent. Yeah. And for you, this was back in 2013, right? Yeah. Okay. Let's say I'm trying to
00:31:59.800
decide if I want to go to the higher power direction or the husband direction. All right, let's okay. So
00:32:04.000
that was 2013 for you. And then what does it look like in between 2013 and 2017 when you met your
00:32:09.800
husband? Like what does recovery long-term look like? Oh, it's so hard. It's really a miracle
00:32:15.820
anyone does it. And I tip my hat to anyone who does because it's just a slog. I mean, it wasn't
00:32:21.620
pretty for me the first two years. And I was working a very, I was kind of this classic, I worked in a
00:32:28.740
really strong program the first year. I threw myself into it. I went to meet, I had nothing to do in the
00:32:33.520
beginning. I was waiting for this other waitressing job to start. So I was going to like three meetings
00:32:38.100
a day just to stay sober. You have so much time suddenly that you didn't know you had.
00:32:43.460
And you're still working as a writer? I was not even, I was waitressing. So I hadn't even started.
00:32:49.260
I'd always wanted to be a writer, but I was never getting paid to be a writer until 2015. Yeah.
00:32:54.640
So I just was slogging through it and doing comedy still. And I was like stand up.
00:33:01.060
Mm hmm. Yep. That was one of the other places that just as a quick detour, where I was seeing a lot of
00:33:08.720
censorship. And it was another one of the areas where I felt like I was being pushed out of the
00:33:14.060
left was I was seeing in the comedy world and even in myself. So I was still doing comedy during this
00:33:20.020
time. And I was still waiting tables and just trying to be put one foot in front of the other doing the
00:33:27.480
working the steps. Meditating was a big part of my early sobriety. Thank goodness for this one
00:33:35.040
meeting. And then trying to heal my relationship to some kind of higher power, which had been
00:33:41.140
damaged. Yeah, over the years. And because you were raised Catholic. And then when did you say,
00:33:48.440
okay, I'm not Catholic? Oh, it just fell. Yeah, it just kind of fell by the wayside. I was joked I
00:33:54.900
was a recovering Catholic. There was just so much guilt around sex. And I felt like it was so fear
00:34:02.440
based. And I think I just moved away from it and became more of like a hippie. Yeah, I was a big
00:34:07.780
stoner. I was I drank a lot, but I was like a huge stoner. And I did yoga. So I was very into like the
00:34:13.440
woo. So my my higher power for many years was like the the it was like a buffet from all that a lot of
00:34:22.980
the new age stuff, a lot of like, the great spirit, you know, like nature was a big one for me. Yeah,
00:34:31.940
I was never think that's how you kind of identify spiritually. Um, I think I'm more
00:34:40.240
uh, I have a interesting relationship with God now. But and my husband and I both struggle with
00:34:51.140
this because he and I are both very skeptical in general. And we'll laugh at how like one because
00:34:57.780
our relationship alone is like, it's crazy. Actually, the story is crazy. We met. It was
00:35:05.860
in 2017. We met it was Valentine's Day and the night before Valentine's Day. And it was called
00:35:12.120
the sad part. I called it the sad party. It wasn't called the sad party. I was calling it that
00:35:16.360
I was like, I'm going to the sad party. And it was to hopefully meet him. Because he had been in
00:35:22.120
meetings. And I was kind of hoping to see him, which apparently is the only reason that he went.
00:35:26.400
And we were talking and he just asked me like such an insightful question that not even my therapist
00:35:32.500
had ever asked me, which was what was the quality of my emotional landscape. I mean,
00:35:36.520
this is why I was a therapist. Yeah, what was the quality of my emotional landscape before I
00:35:41.400
even started drinking? And I'd never even been thought about it. And I was like, well, fear,
00:35:46.800
I was just always in fear. And then when I was leaving, we just kind of shook hands or touched hands.
00:35:53.800
And there was this like electric pulse that went into my heart. I mean, I was letting my hand kind of
00:35:59.680
drag behind me. And it was like something shot into my heart. And I turned around. And I was
00:36:03.780
like, what was that? It was so weird. And then we I got his number. We talked all night. We got
00:36:10.300
breakfast the next morning on Valentine's Day. And I was like, I can't do this. You're you're 90 days.
00:36:15.700
I feel horrible. We can't do this. It's just that but we could not stop ourselves. And then
00:36:21.180
you know, did you feel like you just knew at the time, but I'd also been through relationships with
00:36:27.500
crazy people when there was that spark right away where it just fizzled out. So I didn't
00:36:32.220
necessarily trust it. Yeah. And we I was like, Well, I'm going to mass I was going to it was
00:36:42.160
you were still you were I still go to church. You still go to mass today. Yeah, I still sometimes
00:36:48.720
it's not like I go religiously, but I still go and it was. It was when the Parkland Parkland shooting
00:36:56.560
was. Yeah, what was the why am I just having a brain fart?
00:37:04.060
The one where you get the cross on your head. Oh, my gosh. I'm not Catholic. I know. I'm just
00:37:09.080
blanking. You're not talking about Ash Wednesday. Thank you. Thank you. I'm just pregnant brain.
00:37:15.940
Yeah, so it was Ash Wednesday. And we and we I was like, want to go to mass with me? And he's like,
00:37:22.500
sure. So our first day, he wasn't Catholic, though. He was just like, I want to spend time
00:37:27.120
with this. Yeah, that's kind of cool. Yeah. And you know, we're in the program talk a lot about God
00:37:32.880
and think about it. And. And so we went and we walked in and the guy who is like organizing
00:37:39.560
where you said he was like, Hey, can you two walk down the aisle and bring the Eucharist and the wine?
00:37:44.760
And so the first date we ever had was in a church and we walked down the aisle. Oh, my gosh. It's
00:37:50.460
poetic. It really was crazy. And then we ended up then we came out and there was a Parkland shooting
00:37:57.120
and I was so upset by it and just distraught. And he came over and was just so sweet and nice and
00:38:04.960
loving. And I had no I had no idea how to handle a man like him at all. I didn't even think he was
00:38:11.480
real. It was like, I didn't I couldn't handle intimacy. I didn't I was like intimacy is creepy.
00:38:17.820
Eye contact and sex. No, I just could not handle any of it. And we kept we couldn't stay away from
00:38:26.220
each other. We kept on dating, but I kept I would cry in every therapy session because I was so torn
00:38:32.860
by what I felt what I was doing the wrong thing and also just my love for him. And he was getting
00:38:39.620
kind of more and more clingy the more he felt me pulling away, which just wasn't good either because
00:38:45.260
he was so new. I'm like, I don't want I don't this is so common in early sobriety. A guy will be girl
00:38:50.420
or guy will meet each other and they'll like make you their higher power. And so I broke up with him
00:38:56.980
like five months into it and broke his heart. And I kind of didn't even think twice. I was like,
00:39:02.340
I'm off to do my single thing. But also my work life was really starting to take off at that time.
00:39:09.840
And and because this is like at the time where you were kind of, yeah, a cultural commentator.
00:39:14.940
Yeah, accidentally. And so we broke up and then 15 months went by. My life drastically changed. I
00:39:24.480
started that was right when I started doing like media. And I think my first media hit was on the Ben
00:39:30.000
Shapiro election special, one of his in 2018. And I was like, talk about I mean, that's a big deal.
00:39:36.640
And that is like as conservative as it gets on Fox. Yeah. Yeah. I was like, Oh, yeah. Okay. I was on
00:39:42.860
that too. I don't think no, we weren't on the same night. But I yeah, I remember I was one on one of
00:39:48.220
those two. It's like a four week special on Fox. Yeah. Yeah, I think I was on with Lauren Chen. Yeah. And
00:39:53.580
it's some crazy girl from Code Pink. Oh, really? A lunatic. Yeah. She like, bombarded Ben in the
00:40:00.980
middle of the interview with some question about Palestine that was complete. He asked her a
00:40:05.020
question that she was like, Well, let me and he handled it so well. But it was complete non sequitur.
00:40:11.220
Yeah. Yeah. So that was your big like conservative media debut. Yes. And so and so let me back up.
00:40:19.520
My husband comes from a very conservative background. Oh, really? And he's a Republican
00:40:25.760
religious. Yeah, not religious. More Republican, I guess, but conservative values. And his family was
00:40:32.200
like MAGA. You know, I mean, really? His they were parts of his family. Definitely. Yeah. And y'all
00:40:38.960
not in LA. Is he from LA? Yeah, he's from but they're MAGA. Oh, yeah. In LA. But they were like in the
00:40:45.000
desert and then like Valencia area. Not like I'm not super familiar. But I guess it's like
00:40:50.740
the suburbs completely deep blue. No, it's not at all. That's why I always laugh at people who are
00:40:55.600
like, we needed to go like these celebrities are like, we're going to Oklahoma to find somebody
00:41:00.040
who's like these conservatives. Yeah, these Trump voters. I'm like, like, you could drive like 45
00:41:05.340
minutes. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I know you don't you go to Beverly Hills. Yeah. Yeah. Like that's
00:41:11.020
MAGA country. Yeah. And so but he was so kind of turned off by all the MAGA and mostly like
00:41:19.480
the cult of personality being a therapist. I think he's just like, oh, yeah, is so dangerous
00:41:25.620
and repellent. So he was very turned off. And he kind of came to the center and he was going
00:41:31.100
through his own stuff with depression. And then he found guys like Jordan Peterson. And
00:41:37.820
and so I'll never forget. Jordan Peterson, the great gateway. The gateway drug. But he was actually
00:41:44.300
I think he made him more like brought him more to the IDW side. And so I went to his house that for
00:41:52.320
people that don't know, because we I don't even know if I've ever said that. That's the intellectual
00:41:55.960
dark, intellectual dark. Yeah, it was like self self termed by I think Eric Weinstein is one who
00:42:01.860
coined it. And then I think like Barry Weiss talked about it in the New York Times. She wrote about it.
00:42:07.000
It was like this conglomerate of people who are all talking in this middle space. I mean,
00:42:13.780
Joe Rogan really like made all these people to a certain extent because they again, I think he
00:42:18.940
really held the Overton window open. It's this very heterodox world where I would call a lot of them
00:42:25.660
now are probably considered conservative and some of them are like Ben Shapiro is a part of it and stuff.
00:42:30.920
But then not everyone is like certainly not MAGA and certainly not everyone is necessarily on the
00:42:36.920
right in the IDW. No, I mean, Sam Harris certainly isn't. And Eric and Brett Weinstein, I think still
00:42:44.520
consider themselves liberals. Yeah, Dave, I would say probably considered Ruben considered conservative.
00:42:50.400
Yeah. Now, there was a lot of fracturing that happened, I think, in that space throughout those
00:42:57.440
years. Joe is still Joe, you know, he's just being he's I think he and I are very similar in that
00:43:04.320
respect. And that. Yeah. Well, listening to y'all's conversation for sure. I mean, I feel I know that
00:43:10.240
we're going on another detour. Like when I'm listening to him, I'm like, you sound conservative in so many
00:43:15.580
ways, even though I know that he and I probably disagree on like a lot of social things like you
00:43:19.360
and I do. But just hearing him even talk about like vaccine mandates and things like that and
00:43:24.500
different things like, you know, a woman is a woman, not like just a uterus have her that now gets you
00:43:29.860
labeled as conservative. Right. And I just like I actually appreciate the heterodox characteristic of
00:43:36.860
people like you and Joe Rogan. Like I like that you guys disagree on a lot of stuff because I feel like
00:43:41.660
you guys have a power to persuade someone on the other side that maybe someone on the other side
00:43:47.440
would write me off because they know I'm a Christian. Right. Even though I don't think
00:43:50.640
that's a reason to write someone off someone else might. I like that we have a lot of heterodox
00:43:55.160
people. Yeah. Now that are considered right wing. Yeah. Dave Chappelle and I probably disagree on
00:44:00.760
everything. Yeah. But I appreciate his willingness to be like, you know what? I'm not going to be
00:44:04.640
summoned by this group of people. Yeah. Anyway, it seems like principles of freedom. You know,
00:44:09.300
that's really where there's like this group that's for it. And there's a group that's more
00:44:13.720
for centralization and mandates and speech policing and all that. Yeah. So my the first time I ever
00:44:22.340
went to my husband's place, he had all these books and it was like Ayaan Hirsi Ali, Christina
00:44:28.720
Haas Summers, the Gulag Archipelago. And I took a picture of it and I was like, this is a guy who's
00:44:34.960
like, I'm on a first date. And my audience was half like run. And the other half was like,
00:44:39.880
where how did you find this guy in LA? And so we shared a lot. We just could have like robust
00:44:45.480
conversations. And because I come from the left and he comes from the right, we have really
00:44:50.560
interesting reactions to news stories. And we're both very aware of our biases. And it's funny to
00:44:57.060
just this is the podcast I want to start with him is where we talk about a lot of the mental health
00:45:01.940
and addiction and all this stuff. But also like, just the different ways will react to a news story,
00:45:09.700
just because of our factory setting programming. So it was great. We just always had stuff to talk
00:45:17.440
about. And he challenges me. He's much smarter than me and brilliant. Just brilliant reads all the time.
00:45:26.280
But you all broke up after we broke up. And then 15 months later, I was like, I'm coming back to that
00:45:31.600
meeting. And he had stopped kind of emailing me and being like, why we are meant to be together.
00:45:36.520
And I was like, go away, you're a stalker. I'm like, aren't you supposed to be a therapist?
00:45:42.200
You need to check yourself. And he did. And then he went through like a montage. I think we were both
00:45:47.980
in like montage sequences. But he was really in one where it was like, grew a beard, went to back to
00:45:54.440
his got his degree to be an LMFT. He just bulked up. I mean, so we went to get coffee. I was like,
00:46:03.240
looks good. I mean, he always looked good. But he looked really good. I was like, you're really
00:46:07.600
really hot. And then we, we went and got coffee. And we were supposed to go watch some comedy. And I
00:46:15.320
didn't want to do that. And we ended up going to dinner at Malibu when we were together ever since.
00:46:19.180
And that was like September of 2019. And then I had an atopic pregnancy right away. I got pregnant
00:46:26.660
like immediately right when we got back together. And that was pretty like traumatic and horrible.
00:46:33.900
And it was a really showed me what kind of man he was. He was just there by my side through all of
00:46:42.520
it. Made sure I was okay. It was so loving. Y'all were still dating at this point. We were just
00:46:48.420
dating. Yep. And then we went through that. Then we got engaged. And then the whole world shut down.
00:46:54.300
And then we were quarantined together. Because he was working at a grocery store at that time. And I
00:47:00.080
was sick. And so because and I was living with my roommate, but she didn't want me to come back
00:47:06.860
home. So he and I were in this apartment, his apartment quarantined for like two, three weeks
00:47:11.600
together. And we really got to know each other in that time too, under this crazy duress of the
00:47:18.980
whole world was going through. And just living through that together and being together nonstop
00:47:26.320
day in and day out. I was like, I could be I could live with this man.
00:47:30.740
I could do this forever. Yeah. Yep. And so, yeah, we got married in November. It'll be
00:47:37.160
year November 10. Oh, my gosh. Hasn't this year gone by so fast? It's crazy. The past couple
00:47:41.840
years have been such a blur. It's such a blur. And this past year, I'm like, can't believe
00:47:46.120
it's already been a year. Yeah. And then now I'm and I'm also pregnant. Now you're pregnant.
00:47:51.580
Okay, so were y'all trying to get pregnant from the very beginning of marriage? We weren't
00:47:55.480
trying. We just weren't not trying. Yeah, it's the not not trying stage.
00:47:59.980
Yeah, it's like trying. But it's not exactly like I'm young. I wasn't. I didn't have too
00:48:04.880
much time. I think I really always was like, this is in God's hands. And this is why I say
00:48:09.260
my faith in God now, because of the way things have unfolded in ways in which I cannot comprehend
00:48:20.440
and are truly like how much evidence do I need? Yeah, that something is at work. I don't I don't
00:48:30.620
know what but when I really get out of my own way in those early days of being pregnant, I in the past
00:48:37.520
three months, I've really had to turn inward and turn over. I mean, I've been praying every day. I mean,
00:48:44.340
my husband and I pray every morning. Anyway, we say the third step prayer from 12 step we say it
00:48:49.120
together. But that's like as religious as we get. And what's that?
00:48:56.240
God, I offer myself to the to build with me and to do with me as that will relieve me of the bondage
00:49:01.920
of self that I may better do they will take away my difficulties that victory over them may bear
00:49:06.540
witness to those I may help of that power they love and they wave life. And then that's it may I do
00:49:12.460
they will always. But I love they'll relieve me of the bondage of self. He got that inscribed in like
00:49:18.660
an Etsy wood thing. And we have it. I mean, that's huge. And that's so like, that's so counter
00:49:23.180
countercultural. That's like, I mean, kind of what we talked about on on your show is like the bondage
00:49:28.620
of self, we hear that more self is going to liberate us today. Yeah, the gospel tells us the opposite.
00:49:34.200
And you're repeating that to yourself every morning. Yeah, without even really knowing fully what you
00:49:39.000
believe it sounds like that's what you're about to say, right? Yeah, that's I mean, that is really I
00:49:44.200
try to ground myself. And I know that when I'm out of my own will, my life is I am better. And by out
00:49:55.500
of my own will, when I'm not attached to results, when I'm not comparing to other people, when I'm not
00:50:02.600
trying to manage the world in the way that I think it should be, and really getting pregnant at
00:50:08.880
42 out of the frickin blue, I was told that I was in menopause. Like it's truly like a frickin
00:50:14.880
miracle child. So all of a sudden, I want to hear how did you figure out you're pregnant?
00:50:20.040
So it's crazy. And so I in June, I was told that I was pregnant or that I was in menopause,
00:50:25.960
but they couldn't. She wanted to put me on birth control, but couldn't because I also had to get
00:50:30.480
a lump in my boob checked. It's all fine. But I needed a biopsy. So she's like, we can't add
00:50:35.180
hormones until you get her biopsy. And in that means like think about even like the timing. Yeah,
00:50:41.180
I know if I got on birth control, I was thinking about that today. And we but again, it's so much
00:50:49.140
of like letting go so much of it has been letting go. I've been just trying to we went and talked to
00:50:57.540
a fertility specialist. And he was like, looking at your levels, it's going to be like a miracle
00:51:04.480
if we get we're hoping for that like one golden egg. And I'm not gonna lie, it's gonna be hard and
00:51:10.780
maybe not even possible. And he had me order all these prenatals and I got them like $250 worth,
00:51:18.820
which because I got them from them, which is stupid, but I got them all and
00:51:23.280
not just prenatals, it was also like ubiquinol, which is something you take to increase it helps
00:51:30.380
like strengthen cells growth and can help with like egg, egg strength. And so I started taking
00:51:39.960
them. And then I was like, I looked at them when I got them like, what am I doing? I don't even know
00:51:44.780
what I'm doing. I don't want this. I don't want to try and force this because I really wrestled with
00:51:49.160
forcing this thing at this age when I felt like if I had really wanted it, I would have already done
00:51:55.620
it. And I also was like, God has a plan for us. You know, maybe that's not what we're supposed to
00:52:01.460
do. Maybe we're supposed to adopt. Maybe we're there are other ways of being parents. And we don't
00:52:06.940
we're not exactly rich that it's a lot of money. Some insurances pay for some of it, but it's still
00:52:12.920
a lot of money. And I was mad that I spent the money on those prenatals. And my therapist was
00:52:19.920
like, well, just take them. They're good for your hair and your nails and your skin. So just take
00:52:23.200
them. Yeah. And I started taking them. And then we went back. He hadn't met my family because we
00:52:27.880
got married in COVID and they'd never met him. So in July or August, we went home. I started taking
00:52:37.220
them like July. And sometime in August, we went home and he met everybody, all the babies. My
00:52:43.980
sister had a baby. My sister-in-law had her third child. And I kept waiting for like the pang of
00:52:50.300
longing. And my other sister has teenage boys. She started very young. And so we saw how hard it was
00:52:58.160
and the reality. But we were also we sat on the beach and I was like, are you OK if we don't have
00:53:04.360
kids? Are you OK with that? And he's like, yeah, I'm fine if you're OK with that. He's like, I just
00:53:09.420
worry and get emotional. He's like, I just don't want you to regret anything. And I was like, I'm I
00:53:16.820
really just I couldn't like bear to. I've seen women go through that like fertility and it can be so
00:53:25.160
heartbreaking and you invest yourself in it and then you're disappointed. And sometimes it works and
00:53:31.200
it's like a miracle. And I know so many people who are like, do it, try. It's like this huge
00:53:35.600
blessing. But I also didn't want to like lose my mind over it. And we we just decided that we
00:53:43.320
were fine with that. And we he's like, I remember going on that walk and we came back home. I went
00:53:48.640
and saw my OB to get the pills, the birth control pills, and she gave them to me. And I for some
00:53:54.840
reason didn't take them. Mind you, I was taking prenatals every single day during that vacation,
00:53:59.440
like religiously. I never take any pills like this. This is so unlike me. And I came back and
00:54:06.960
I was about to book all these travels. And he's like, will you please take a pregnancy test because
00:54:12.120
my boobs were sore and I was like exhausted. And he's like, Bridget, I think you might be
00:54:17.700
pregnant. And I had you were just like, no, no, no. I hadn't got my period. So the reason I thought I
00:54:21.760
was a menopause was I got vaccinated, didn't get my period for 90 days. Now that could be my age or it
00:54:27.520
could just be like one of the weird vaccine things. And then I got it and I got it again.
00:54:32.560
So I got it in June. And that's when I went and talked to her. And she's like, let's test your
00:54:36.400
levels. You're in menopause. And then I got it. And again, in July. And so when I went to see her
00:54:44.680
again, when I got back in August, I was like, I haven't had my period in like 40 days. And she was
00:54:48.400
like, that's just the menopause. Didn't even test me. Wow. So you're like, okay, give me a
00:54:54.320
freaking pregnancy. Wow. Which is actually kind of negligent giving my history of ectopic. You were
00:55:00.020
more likely to have an ectopic. So he a week later was like, will you please take this test just for
00:55:07.260
peace of mind before you go to South Africa. And I was supposed to go to Europe and like all these
00:55:12.080
places. And New York and I took it. I was like, fine, I'll take it. It's going to be negative.
00:55:17.960
Was it a digital or was it one of the lines? Like lines. Yeah. And I took it and I was like,
00:55:22.900
see, and the one line popped up and then like immediately the other one popped up. Oh my gosh,
00:55:27.540
what was your reaction? It was just like you couldn't believe it. I called my best friend
00:55:31.440
immediately. Like I texted her. I was like, holy because she's pregnant with twins. And it's IVF.
00:55:37.920
Wow. And she's pregnant with two twin girls. And it's like four days, we're four days apart.
00:55:44.120
So she's, and she's like my spiritual sister of life. We've known each other. We met in Catholic
00:55:50.060
school, actually, when we were in first grade. And I was like, I don't know what to do. And she's
00:55:55.140
just kind of like walked me through it. And she was like, you need to get into a doctor because F her,
00:56:00.080
she should have like, you should have known this a week ago. Yeah. And she basically came and saw me
00:56:06.100
and did an ultrasound. She's like, it's in there. There's a sack. It's not necessarily as five
00:56:10.160
weeks. Oh yeah. So you can't, you can't do the heartbeat. Yeah. Yeah. It's just literally was
00:56:15.200
just a sack. Yeah. And she was like, I was like, how do I make it stick? And she's like, honey,
00:56:20.300
if I knew that I'd be like a billionaire on the private island. Yeah. Like, yeah, fair enough. Yeah.
00:56:26.000
So. But you could at least say that it wasn't an ectopic. That's what I needed to know.
00:56:30.520
Intrauterous. Yeah. And so it was, she was like, no, it's intrauterine. You know, it's like,
00:56:35.540
there's all this like healthy X or whatever it's called like that, like white stuff you see around
00:56:41.840
it. And I was like, holy crap. But then it was just like, well, we wait. And so I got a new OB.
00:56:49.440
Yeah. And made an appointment. And at six weeks, it was weird. It was like, right when the abortion
00:56:57.200
ban came down, the six week abortion ban happened, I was six weeks. That was like the exact same week
00:57:05.200
in Texas. And that was when I, um, you can't hear the heartbeat, but you can see it. So that was a
00:57:12.220
like very strange experience. Have you had another ultrasound since then? I've had two more. I had to
00:57:17.240
go every two weeks because I'm a geriatric. When you saw, because at eight weeks, it looks almost like
00:57:26.060
this little jelly bean with this like little beating heart. And then for me, like it was such
00:57:30.180
a big difference from that first, that was the first time I had at eight weeks. And then the
00:57:34.180
second time I had one at 11 and a half weeks and all of a sudden it was a baby. Yeah. No, it's crazy.
00:57:38.840
Kicking, moving, like flipping around. I saw the brain, the ribs, the teeth. That was insane. That was
00:57:44.440
when I like just lost it. Did you, was that like surprising for you? Well, it's weird. Cause I saw it
00:57:50.060
from the sack and then it was really just, I had to, I don't really remember. It feels like a blur
00:57:56.260
because I was in that weird purgatory of knowing I was pregnant, but like I had to turn it over.
00:58:01.500
It was, and I didn't want to, I was saying on Rogan, like I, I really had to turn it into like
00:58:07.620
a new age mantra person because I have so much fear and really had to face feeling like I didn't
00:58:13.320
deserve it. And I was like, why do you feel like you don't deserve this child? And the fear,
00:58:19.380
just the natural fear everyone has about those scans and the early days and so much can go wrong.
00:58:24.900
And I'm older. So even more can go wrong. And I just really had to pray. I read my little like
00:58:31.580
readings every morning and turned, turned it over. I was like, this is, I kept just telling myself,
00:58:38.280
this is God's got this, like this is in God's hands and whatever will be, will be. And then we,
00:58:46.780
I saw it again at six, like eight weeks. And, and that was when I got to hear the heart and that
00:58:53.180
was crazy. That was crazy. Um, and emotional. And then I saw again at 10 weeks because he wanted me
00:59:01.160
to come just to make sure, because my, the first day of my last period wasn't, it's not accurate at
00:59:07.920
all from when I actually conceived. So he was like, we want to just make sure that you're on track,
00:59:14.040
um, with the development. And then they did the test at the 10 and a half weeks for
00:59:18.880
chromosomal abnormalities in the sex. And that's when we found out it was a girl and things were looking
00:59:24.720
healthy. And then, and at that point too, I was really coming to terms with like,
00:59:34.640
would it even matter if it came back, you know, like the, they do all these screenings and they're
00:59:40.100
like, well, this is so you can make a decision. I'm like, like I've made the decision. I don't
00:59:45.620
think I can be like, I don't want the, like no matter what it, what, right. It felt like such a
00:59:50.780
miracle that no matter what, it felt like it was supposed to be, no matter whether it was
00:59:55.780
down syndrome or healthy, I, you know, there's still, it's still very new. There's still, yeah.
01:00:03.260
So then I got to, then he got to come with me for the like 13 week one where they do the
01:00:08.300
NT test, you know, the like what measure the water in the base of the skull and the bridge of the nose.
01:00:13.320
They do a lot with like geriatrics and, um, they actually, they legitimately do call it a geriatrics.
01:00:20.540
No, they do pregnancy. You're not just saying that they call it geriatric, even though you're
01:00:24.540
not geriatric. No, it's like over 32. I think they call it geriatric. Yeah. It's just crazy.
01:00:31.660
So it's good that they, I mean, they are on the side of caution. Yeah. And then that's when I was
01:00:37.060
like, Holy crap. It went from this little like tadpole to like baby arms. Like she had fingers and
01:00:45.320
legs and arms and like, like you said, you can see the brain still in the spine. You can see it
01:00:51.600
all. She was like yawning. I was like, Oh my God, this is so crazy. And then he's like, okay,
01:00:56.680
we'll see you in a month. Everything boring. And that's where you are right now. You're waiting.
01:01:01.100
Yeah. But I feel I wouldn't even let myself get excited. Yeah. And I think it was like a weird,
01:01:07.960
I'm, you know, cautiously optimistic by nature about everything. Even if it's like business,
01:01:12.620
I'm just like that. But in this instance, it was kind of, I would talk to my therapist about it.
01:01:18.740
Like what a funny form of self-protection as if I wouldn't be enormously disappointed.
01:01:24.280
Even if I got excited, it's like a weird form of self-protection. Like, like I'm not still going
01:01:30.880
to be crushed if something happened. But it's just my, I, she's like, you have a messed up
01:01:37.340
upbringing. Like this is normal. And many people are, she's like, I was superstitious. It's not
01:01:42.400
uncommon, but it also felt like a weird way of me trying to control something I had no control over.
01:01:48.400
You don't. So yeah, now we're just, I have 14 weeks and it's weird because I'm feeling better.
01:01:56.900
So I'm like, Oh, am I pregnant? Yeah. It's like you go from being reminded of it every day,
01:02:02.220
all day. Cause you're sick. And then, but the second trimester is so much better. And then
01:02:06.420
kind of what we were talking about before we started recording that third trimester is when
01:02:10.440
you like, don't really want to do anything. Well, towards the end of it, you'll probably,
01:02:14.200
I mean, you might feel great all the way through the end, but I went all the way to almost
01:02:18.220
42 weeks with both of my kids, which is a long time to be pregnant and you get really
01:02:23.280
uncomfortable. And plus I gained like a million pounds. Some people don't and they feel and look
01:02:27.240
great. But towards the end, I was super uncomfortable, but there's that sweet spot and you're about
01:02:32.280
to enter into it from like 16 to 28 weeks. That's what everyone says where it's like,
01:02:37.560
you have the cute bump and like you're feeling horny. Well, you are, you like look really cute.
01:02:42.980
And so it's a good time. It's a good time. It's so weird. I'm like, I hope she's fine
01:02:48.460
down there. Cause you're kind of like, well, and you can't feel her yet and you will like in a few
01:02:53.140
weeks you'll feel her. And so that'll be your indicator, you know, like, Oh, okay. She just
01:02:57.340
kicked. She's fine. But right now it's like, are you even in there? Cause she's like, what? Like
01:03:01.120
the size of like a lemon or something. Yeah. So insane. It's so crazy, man. There's so many
01:03:06.820
other things I could ask you. Do you, the last thing, the last thing, since we're running out of
01:03:11.860
time, I wonder if your view about God and that higher power, do you feel like it's changed as
01:03:19.240
your kind of cultural views have changed and even your views of motherhood and marriage and yourself
01:03:24.500
have all changed? And do you think that it will continue to evolve?
01:03:28.800
Yeah. I think it's, I think I've, if I've learned anything that it's just that I'm constantly
01:03:34.480
evolving. Like I don't know anything. I'm constantly reminded how little I know. I just
01:03:39.900
don't, me sitting on that beach and being like, I'm fine without, we're good. We're, we don't need
01:03:45.180
to have kids and then finding out we're pregnant. We were laughing. Cause it's like that old saying
01:03:50.700
of man plans and God laughs. And I just, that's all I've been thinking.
01:03:55.120
Little things with like the lump in your breast, not being able to be on birth control,
01:04:00.180
all of it, all the little things so clearly work together.
01:04:03.000
I know. And it is like a little, it's crazy. It was really fun telling his mom. That was like
01:04:09.480
my most exciting thing. We, we just surprised her. We waited to tell most of our family. I told friends
01:04:16.560
and people that I would need if something went wrong and I would need support from girlfriends,
01:04:21.880
but I didn't tell my dad or like his mom until we got a lot of the testing back and knew what the
01:04:28.380
sex was. So, cause we wanted to, I didn't want her to have to go through all of the, it was anxiety,
01:04:33.940
a lot of anxiety, just trying to manage the anxiety and be like my dumb little mantra of like,
01:04:40.100
I'm in perfect health. My baby's in perfect health. This pregnancy is going to go perfectly.
01:04:45.840
It's just like, or whatever it will be, it will be, but just trying to manage that.
01:04:55.940
It's been a, it's been a journey. I do think, I do think it has evolved. And I mean,
01:05:02.980
it's hard for me not to believe in God. When, when I saw that heartbeat, I was like,
01:05:10.500
Yeah. Yeah. Well, I just hearing you tell your story, not just motherhood, but from the very
01:05:16.760
beginning, I see the providence of God and the specificity in his plans and purposes for you.
01:05:23.460
And even just like hearing you wrestle through a lot of the lies that all of us have believed lies
01:05:27.520
at one point, but hearing the lies that like accompanied addiction and then overcoming them with
01:05:32.280
sobriety. Like I certainly see what we would say, like it's the hand of the Lord. And even you
01:05:37.700
repeating, gosh, I think that's such a solid and good prayer that you repeat every morning.
01:05:42.480
If it's worth anything, I feel like I see the Lord in your life and has worked so clearly
01:05:48.520
throughout your life and in the life of your little girl. And so it's really encouraging.
01:05:52.860
I think a lot of people are going to be encouraged by this too. Where can people find you,
01:05:57.920
Um, you can find me at walk-ins. Welcome is my podcast. So please subscribe. We have talked to
01:06:03.960
all kinds of lovely people like yours, truly you, like you, not me. Um, and we also have dumpster
01:06:16.340
fire, which is on YouTube and rumble. Uh, and my website where you can subscribe. It's like a whole
01:06:23.680
community of very politically homeless people. Um, where we talk about all kinds of things,
01:06:29.720
but I do workouts with the women every day. Uh, we do it on zoom, which I love.
01:06:37.420
Wow. I should do that because I'm not working out right now and I need to be,
01:06:41.040
it's a half hour. It's tons of women who just had babies, honestly, like three or four of them.
01:06:45.580
And it's only a half hour. Are you leading the workout? No, I just put, I stream this one woman
01:06:51.000
that I love and we all just follow. It's really just like hold each other accountable and to show
01:06:56.780
up. What time is it? It would be like two o'clock your time. And I can turn off my camera. Oh yeah.
01:07:01.920
Everybody does if they want to. That's good. Yeah. No, it's such a great supportive, amazing group of
01:07:07.360
women. And, um, they're just, they've, we've walked through like all kinds of stuff and now,
01:07:12.820
and yeah, two, I think three of them just had babies and some are pregnant. Now I just found
01:07:18.740
out like three of us are pregnant in there. So that's awesome. Yeah. So yeah, I have a subscriber
01:07:23.720
site and that's, it's not even that expensive actually. It's just really a place where we put
01:07:28.720
like the unedited dumpster fire and just extra content. Yeah. It's a safe space. Yeah. Very cool.
01:07:34.380
Well, thank you so much, Bridget. I really appreciate you taking the time to come on. Thank you for having me.