Pornography is a huge problem in our culture today. Men, women, and children are exposed to and become easily addicted to pornography. Porn is always the objectification of image bearers of God. There is no such thing as acceptable or ethical porn. It is always exploitation. And porn is always harmful to our minds, hearts, relationships, and to society as a whole.
00:04:51.180Yeah. So every study that's ever been done shows that pornography worsens your relationships with
00:04:59.880your significant other. So if whether male or female, it changes how you view sex with another person,
00:05:09.420that God's design for sex in a monogamous marriage relationship is impossible and unrealistic.
00:05:18.940People view each other's physical appearance as less valuable. And that porn creates this belief that
00:05:31.360variety is the spice of life. But the truth is, it damages your relationship and leaves you less
00:05:38.680satisfied with your sex life in marriage.
00:05:41.940And I will not only that, because obviously, it's kids, it's kids who are accessing it, too. So talk a little bit more
00:05:49.720about that, the impact that this has on children and why it is so harmful for them.
00:05:54.240In 2007, the iPhone came out, and we began handing devices to kids at earlier and earlier ages. In fact, we would, as parents, many parents have just handed their phone over the backseat as a means to pacify them on a road trip or something of that nature. And I've heard from moms again and again and again that they discovered later that even in the backseat of their car,
00:06:21.720in the living room, in the living room, in their kitchens, in their homes, children were discovering pornography, either on their own or being exposed to it within their childhood relationships.
00:06:33.280So again, about the average need for first exposure is somewhere between 8 and 11.
00:06:38.920Now, kids today don't see the nudity of yesteryear that maybe some of your older listeners might be thinking, well, they see pornography, does that mean they see something nude or topless or something of that nature?
00:06:52.240No, today they go from knowing almost nothing about sex to hardcore pornography.
00:06:58.920And that can be very shocking, can be very impactful for them.
00:07:03.020Again, they don't know anything about pornography or sex, and they go from that innocence to abusive, destructive, violent pornography.
00:07:28.920I have seen several studies saying that the earlier you were exposed to that kind of material, sexual material, the more likely you are to experience sexual dysfunction yourself.
00:07:41.960Because your brain at that point, while really at any point, can't really properly and healthily process pornography.
00:07:50.940But as you said, especially at a young age when you are jolted from knowing and seeing nothing to knowing and seeing everything that there is, you just can't process it well.
00:08:00.700So it can lead not only to dysfunction, it can lead to promiscuity, it can lead to all kinds of self-esteem issues, it can lead to different kinds of sexual and gender confusion, it can lead to addiction, it can lead also to being more vulnerable to become prey of sexual exploitation.
00:08:19.440Unfortunately, I mean, just tragically, that is one tool that sexual exploiters and sexual abusers use to groom children, is to introduce them to sexual concepts via pornography, images, videos, conversations, things like that.
00:08:36.980So it's just completely destructive for a child's mind.
00:08:40.020Yeah, well, the young brain isn't developed.
00:08:43.800The feeling brain is developing long before the prefrontal cortex, the decision-making part of the brain.
00:08:50.360It's why we pay more for our kids, teenagers, driver's insurance, right?
00:08:56.420Because the prefrontal cortex regulates risk.
00:09:03.620And a child who's not been trained to understand pornography, and I highly recommend a book called Good Pictures, Bad Pictures to help your child turn away and look for pornography, but the young brain just isn't prepared to deal with something blindly like this.
00:09:21.860We just sort of assume a couple years of four mistakes that I often see parents make.
00:09:26.440And one is, my child is a good kid, and they would just never look at pornography.
00:09:31.980It would never be of interest to them.
00:09:33.800They would never want to see anything like that.
00:09:38.100But the truth is, every child is curious about what the opposite sex looks like.
00:09:47.800But with instruction from parents, we can teach them healthy sexuality from a very young age, that they can learn to protect themselves, to know where their bathing suit area is, and why that's private, et cetera.
00:10:05.080Second, we think that if my child did see it, they'd just look away because they know what's right and wrong.
00:10:11.560Well, there's a lot of neurochemistry at play here, and also an underdeveloped prefrontal cortex, that it's very difficult for a child to look away.
00:10:23.080Number three, the measures I have in place are probably good enough.
00:10:27.800And typically, what parents are doing is looking over a child's shoulder.
00:10:32.940But that's really not effective because we do the dishes, we mow the lawn, et cetera.
00:10:38.100We just talked about earlier about how two boys, a mom handed her phone over the backseat on a road trip, and they handed it to her son so they could play a game.
00:10:52.240And the cousin, who is sitting right next to him, says, hey, do you want to look up this word?
00:10:57.140And the next thing they were doing, they went from, I've never seen pornography, to the very worst of the worst.
00:11:02.980And finally, we worry that our boys are the only ones who struggle, and that's just not true.
00:11:10.400Our girls are being exposed to pornography as well, and it's having an impact on their brains too.
00:11:17.360And I think it's also not what maybe even my age parents, I mean, I'm only 30, and so I've got younger kids.
00:11:26.200But even my age, maybe when we think of pornography, we think of, well, you've got to log on to a specific XXX website that shows you these kinds of things.
00:11:36.140But nowadays, it's so much more accessible.
00:11:39.160Maybe a parent feels safe handing their kid, their 13-year-old kid, TikTok or Snapchat or Instagram.
00:11:46.120But there are forms of pornography and even violent pornography on these apps.
00:11:53.100You see these young girls kind of creating content on TikTok talking about violent things like being choked and having kinks,
00:12:02.000things that you should not be thinking about when you are a middle school girl.
00:12:06.520And yet, as you said, children are getting introduced to this earlier and earlier on apps that, for some reason, a lot of parents think are safe and that they think don't qualify as technical pornography.
00:12:45.780And so those mirror neurons help a child learn faster.
00:12:50.620But again, it is much more impactful to their brain because of that.
00:12:55.000Then, separately, they also get a little hit of dopamine because dopamine is released when we see something novel, something new, something we've never seen before.
00:13:06.560It also focuses your attention so that other things disappear.
00:13:11.020Now, we have to understand that God's design is beautiful.
00:13:15.560He designed sex for marriage, and all these neurochemicals are designed in God's plan.
00:13:28.900And so when we think about dopamine firing off because of natural curiosity, etc., it gives you a spritz of what feels good and then focuses your attention to the point of tunnel vision.
00:13:44.220And so when a child clicks on something like that, sees something like that, it's very hard for them to turn away.
00:13:51.440And the more that happens over time, the deeper those neural pathways develop.
00:13:59.440I know a lot of people talk about that once you watch a certain form of pornography, sometimes you just want to keep on getting darker and darker and more and more intense.
00:14:23.440Is it the dopamine specifically that is released when you, as you said, someone sees something new that causes people to seek out darker and darker and more and more violent, more and more strange pornography?
00:14:40.300Because that seems to be kind of what happens.
00:14:44.120One thing leads to another because the old thing isn't exciting anymore.
00:14:49.120I think before we step into that, we have to understand that pornography doesn't, this kind of up the ante doesn't happen overnight.
00:16:49.800And week after week on these newcomer meetings, I find men who were exposed early, the ongoing use, and they had drama or trauma early in their life.
00:16:59.480And they're using pornography to coat those wounds.
00:17:02.900And that's when we enter the porn rut or it really gets people stuck.
00:17:08.500So people become kind of even emotionally attached to the pornography that they're watching.
00:17:16.220It becomes a kind of coping mechanism.
00:17:17.920So it's really not so easy for a lot of people, especially who were exposed at an early age, to just turn it off and say, okay, I'm not going to do that anymore.
00:17:27.260There are a lot of attachments there, it seems like.
00:17:52.000It looked a little like a waterfall, like there was this stack of pornography on top of the shelf.
00:17:57.200And it was kind of hanging over and there was piles of it on the floor.
00:18:00.300And I'm dating myself a little with magazines, but I could take anything I wanted and I did.
00:18:07.540And when I felt anger or frustration and fear about my violence or I got bullied at school, et cetera, I could turn to pornography.
00:18:18.600And I didn't even realize that I was using pornography to escape.
00:18:23.220But with that repetition became in that solidifying it with that emotional escapism, that's where pornography became a tough fight for me to find freedom.
00:18:38.140Let's talk about how to, because you've experienced this and you walk a lot of men and women through this.
00:18:46.420I mean, how do you break free of that addiction?
00:19:49.500It's probably one of the most succinct things we need to do.
00:19:51.420We are taught by James 5.16 that we need to pray for one another, confess our sins to one another, and pray for one another that we may be healed.
00:20:01.140But we have a hard time doing that in the church.
00:20:04.220I was talking to a pastor, and he said, you know, Sam, I think it's really hard for a small church like ours.
00:20:11.180I think he had about 100 people at their church.
00:20:13.540For people to confess their sins to one another, and pray for one another, and be there for one another, and listen to one another, and care for one another in that kind of way, because it's just too shameful.
00:20:25.180And we hide behind, we don't, we're fearful of one another.
00:20:29.920Well, interestingly enough, I talked to another couple just a few minutes later at this conference, and they were from a very large church, about 3,500 people attending.
00:20:40.520And they said, hey, Sam, I'm so glad we got to meet you.
00:20:44.440So we've been trying to find some help, but my husband just seemed to find someone in our church of 3,500 to be an ally, to be someone he can talk to and really seek help.
00:21:00.600So it's not the size of the church that matters.
00:21:05.120Somehow we have missed James 5.16 of confessing our sins to one another and praying for one another so that we may be healed.
00:21:14.440And we have to ask ourselves, what part of that do we not believe?
00:21:19.680So it's very imperative that I believe that the church and individuals create safe places or spaces for people to really dig into the hurts and harms in their lives so that they can dive deeper into the patterns of behavior that has kept them trapped.
00:21:39.060Now, we might be thinking about drugs and alcohol.
00:22:42.020Until someone else joins us in a journey that points us and supports us in a relationship with Christ, we have a very, very difficult time ever breaking free.
00:22:56.180And so that process holds us in place where the great physician can do this work.
00:23:04.380And I guess you may have the same answer, but specifically for parents with kids, whether it's parents whose kids have been exposed at a really young age and they're like, oh, my gosh, I don't even know how to deal with this.
00:23:29.740I don't know how to deal with my kid on social media and things like that.
00:23:32.400Or maybe it's a parent whose kid is 17.
00:23:34.580They're almost out of the house and they realize that their kid is struggling with this, but they almost feel like they don't have the time or maybe they feel like they don't even have the authority to do anything.
00:23:43.140How do parents help the kids that are in their home either navigate this addiction that maybe they already have or prevent it from becoming an addiction?
00:23:55.420Well, there's a lot packed in there, right?
00:23:57.420So there is, first of all, I'd really encourage leaders and pastors and ministry leaders to reach out to our team.
00:24:06.680We have an amazing church support team.
00:24:09.180It's led by Karen Potter, who's a fantastic mom, wife, and she is a tremendous leader and leads a support team for the church.
00:24:19.080And you can find them at church support at covenant eyes dot com.
00:24:23.300And they can really arm not only pastors and ministry leaders, but also really help parents with that support as well.
00:24:34.240So we have a program called Safe Haven Sunday, and it's designed to equip the entire church so that the parents within the church get a firsthand understanding of how pornography is damaging
00:24:50.320and what steps you can take to begin creating change in your home and create safety in your home and life change with your kids, your teens, and, of course, adults.
00:25:02.160We provide a lot of training and education through Covenant Eyes.
00:25:05.540One thing that I find very valuable for teens and adults is a new app that we've just released.
00:25:17.720And within that is more than 20 courses that are all free.
00:25:23.560And these courses both have audio as well as you can read them, but they're designed to be short and to begin walking you on a journey so you understand,
00:25:33.800how did I get stuck, why do I stay stuck, and how can I begin breaking free?
00:25:39.860And then it guides you to understand what you do, examine your wounds, what triggers you might be facing, how pornography impacts your brain.
00:25:52.020And then a guide that walks you through, not on a quick fix, but on a journey to freedom and how you can live, not just a day or a few days or a month without pornography, but how to live free.
00:28:25.880So that's how people get stuck in that rut and they feel like they just can't get out.
00:28:30.660And those are some of just the damaging effects that pornography can have on your mind and on your relationships.
00:28:37.500And there was actually, I mean, there was a quote by Ted Bundy that I remember seeing circulating a few years ago when he was interviewed by Dr. James Dobson in the 1970s.
00:28:49.500And he just talked about how pornography, just like any other addiction, it only one kind only satisfies you for so long.
00:28:58.720And of course, he claims that he was partly at least motivated by the violent pornography that he was watching.
00:29:07.420And that's not to say everyone who watches pornography is going to turn into an actually physically violent person.
00:29:13.160But just like all of us, all of us are susceptible to those kinds of influences.
00:29:17.380The more we consume something, the more we're influenced by it, the more we become OK with it and the more likely we are to act it out for better and for worse.
00:29:28.720Because it deals with all those intimate parts of our brains and our emotions and even our very souls, because God created us to become one flesh with someone else.
00:29:38.460And that is a spiritual bond as much as it is a physical bond as much as it is a physical bond.
00:29:42.280I mean, think about how much more of an impact pornography is going to have on someone's heart, mind, soul, actions, words.
00:29:49.020And that's why within the Victory by Covenant Eyes app, we really approach it from a mind, body and spirit role.
00:30:01.100We it's we're not just focused on one behavior.
00:30:04.980We need to recognize that we need to live in wholeness in Christ and so that we're surrendering all of our pain, our behaviors, how we think, how we live.
00:30:16.880All that comes in a journey to toward wholeness.
00:30:22.000And so we approach it from a mind because we need to renew the mind.
00:30:25.540We need to address her body and live in healthy ways.
00:30:28.860And we need to focus on our spiritual disciplines, of course, as well.
00:30:32.980And so all three of those are important.
00:30:36.060And certainly there's we recommend that people can see a sexual addiction therapist.
00:30:43.360That's very important for those who are really stuck.
00:30:48.060But having a journey that you can walk on and probably one of the best ways you can begin discovering, how did I get stuck?
00:31:01.860What other steps would you encourage people to take today to either help themselves or help other people in their lives dealing with this kind of addiction?
00:31:21.420Well, I'd encourage someone to find help and support from other people.
00:31:45.220And that is for women to find other women to help them in a supportive journey.
00:31:51.220Another one I highly recommend for men is the samsonsociety.com.
00:31:55.380And Samson Society is a community of Christian men who are working with one another to create, to support one another in a healing journey.
00:32:07.500Well, thank you so much for those tips.
00:32:10.100And I really hope people take you up on your advice to get connected to others because there are more people struggling with this than you may think.
00:32:18.760I know that shame a lot of times can prevent people from speaking up and shame isn't always bad.
00:32:24.880Shame can actually compel us to repent and to seek the help that we need, but don't allow it to silence you and to keep you in hiding because that's exactly where Satan wants you.
00:32:42.580There is godly guilt and then there is shame and shame.
00:32:47.960Godly guilt reminds us that we have fallen short of God's design for our life, his plan.
00:32:57.100But shame can be translated to self-hatred at my expense, self-hatred at my expense.
00:33:04.600And so often people are so in such pain from shame that they never seek help.
00:33:12.580And often this as well, shame feeds the addiction cycle because we have these feelings and beliefs about ourselves and then we're triggered and then it goes to a ritual and then even acting out.
00:33:28.320And then after acting out, they feel great, intense shame, which goes all the way back and says, see, you are not good enough.
00:33:40.420You're and so people often do flip a coin and on one side of the coin is shame.
00:33:48.740And after they've been feeling that shame for that period of time, they might begin going shopping or eating food or doing other things to try to escape those feelings.
00:33:58.920And then they flip the coin to grandiosity or even religiosity, but they can only remain in that perfectionism for so long.
00:34:08.020And so that coin keeps flipping between perfectionism and shame, perfectionism and shame.
00:34:14.920So rather than seeking help, you just try to do better on your own rather than finding freedom with others in Christ.
00:34:22.300Yes, and those of us who are not struggling with pornography addiction, we have to make sure that we are available to those who may need to confide in us, that they know that they can trust us, that we will be a faithful friend, that we're not here to heap on the guilt, but we are here to help and to point them towards the grace and the forgiveness and the full healing that can come through Christ.
00:34:47.380And I think that's, you know, all of us, all of us can be better friends.
00:34:51.380Maybe that's a resolution that we have, whether you've got a resolution this year to quit porn, whether you've got a resolution this year to just be a better friend or to go to marriage counseling, because maybe this is something that has affected your marriage.
00:35:02.920Like let 2023 be the year that you are no longer in hiding about this because too much is at stake for us to stay quiet about it.
00:35:11.700And, you know, it may be that you just don't understand how, how could pornography be so impactful?
00:35:20.320You know, we've covered quite a bit of it today, but if, if you want to help someone else, download that Victory app by Covenant Eyes as well.
00:35:28.680So you can have a better understanding of, again, why people get stuck in the first place and how they can live in real freedom.