Relatable with Allie Beth Stuckey - May 11, 2023


Ep 804 ｜ My Mom on Mothering Toddlers, Teens & Adults ｜ Guest： Lisa Simmons


Episode Stats


Length

41 minutes

Words per minute

169.18681

Word count

7,105

Sentence count

507

Harmful content

Misogyny

8

sentences flagged

Hate speech

4

sentences flagged


Summary

Summaries generated with gmurro/bart-large-finetuned-filtered-spotify-podcast-summ .

On today's episode of Relatable I have my mom on to talk about all things motherhood! She has been a mom for over 30 years and has been through every stage of her life. We talk all about the things she has learned in each stage of motherhood and what she would tell her younger self about how to be a mom.

Transcript

Transcript generated with Whisper (turbo).
Misogyny classifications generated with MilaNLProc/bert-base-uncased-ear-misogyny .
Hate speech classifications generated with facebook/roberta-hate-speech-dynabench-r4-target .
00:00:00.160 Today, we've got a Mother's Day edition of Relatable. I've got my mom here. We're going
00:00:05.120 to be talking about all things motherhood. I'm going to go through every stage of motherhood,
00:00:10.860 ask her for her advice, her wisdom. We'll hear a little bit of insight into what it was like
00:00:15.900 raising little Allie Beth. And so you're really going to love this. It's very encouraging
00:00:21.720 conversation and honoring for mothers everywhere. I am so thankful for my mom. I'm thankful that I
00:00:28.160 get to be a mom. We help make the world go round by the grace of God. So this episode is brought to
00:00:35.580 you by our friends at Good Ranchers. Go to GoodRanchers.com. Use code Allie at checkout.
00:00:39.980 That's GoodRanchers.com, code Allie.
00:00:51.320 Mom, thanks for joining again. Thanks for asking. Second time. People can go back and
00:00:58.000 listen to the first time I had you on. I think it was about Halloween, Holyween. So people can
00:01:04.900 go listen to that if they want an introduction to my mom. But I thought I'd do a Mother's Day episode 0.99
00:01:09.380 and have you on. And I don't really know what we're going to talk about. We're just going to talk about
00:01:15.740 motherhood and the things that you've learned. Let's talk about the things that you've learned
00:01:20.340 in each stage. If you can just think of one lesson that you learned from, okay, this is one thing that
00:01:29.260 I would want moms to know when they have the baby through toddlers and then we can move to preteens, 1.00
00:01:35.320 teenagers, and then adult children. So if you were talking to a mom like me who has babies through
00:01:41.600 toddlers, if there's one thing that you would encourage them in or tell them to do, what would
00:01:46.500 that be? Well, I think in every stage I had to remind myself and that you can't do everything
00:01:56.120 and it's okay that you can't do everything. I used to hate the Proverbs 31 woman. I would read that
00:02:06.240 and I felt so inadequate and just like, I can't do all that. And so I thought this is what a woman has 1.00
00:02:13.200 to be, a mom and all those things. An entrepreneur. Yeah. Going out, doing things and tending the home.
00:02:21.040 Yeah. I can't do it. I can't do it. And so then I heard this woman and I was, I was probably 40 when
00:02:30.480 I heard this woman speak and she was in her seventies and she was talking about the Proverbs 31 woman.
00:02:37.260 And she said, this was a woman, first of all, probably not a real woman, but it was the ideal,
00:02:47.360 her. Yes. And it was her lifetime. It wasn't one day in her life. She didn't do all of these things
00:02:54.840 every single day. It was her lifetime. This is just sort of a synopsis of a woman. And, uh,
00:03:03.220 it just relieved me so much that, Oh wow. Okay. Over my lifetime, I'm going to get to do these
00:03:11.740 things or I'm going to accomplish some of the things that I want to do. I don't have to do it
00:03:16.660 all right now when I'm 30. Yeah. Right. And, um, so that's probably what I would say.
00:03:22.420 So you were allowed to think on your day to day. Cause I think sometimes when you have small kids,
00:03:27.800 you can get to the end of the day and feel like I accomplished nothing. All I did was try to keep
00:03:33.400 everyone alive and you can feel unsuccessful or you can in some ways maybe feel unfulfilled. Like,
00:03:40.300 Oh my gosh, there's so many problems in the world or so many other things that I could have done and I
00:03:45.520 didn't do. So I guess remembering that the Proverbs 31 woman, that's an entire life that it is enough.
00:03:51.340 It is enough to keep people alive. Yes. It very much is enough. Yeah. I also tell people too,
00:03:59.140 and obviously I'm still in the thick of this stage with my oldest being almost four and then the
00:04:03.840 youngest on the way is that like, do the things that only you can do, especially in those like
00:04:09.540 postpartum days. If you can rely on other people to help you do the things or just don't do the things
00:04:17.500 that don't have to be done. Like you actually don't have to do the laundry right then. You
00:04:21.680 actually don't have to pick up your bathroom right then. I think a lot of people, I don't know if it's
00:04:25.780 Instagram or whatever it is, but they think that like after they give birth immediately,
00:04:32.300 you need to snap back to normal. Everything needs to be- Get back in your skinny jeans.
00:04:36.420 Yeah. Organized. Your kitchen needs to look nice. And I think that really, it just stresses,
00:04:41.900 it stresses people out needlessly. Yeah. And even before social media, even when I was a young mom,
00:04:49.500 it was still, um, that pressure to, to have it all together. And the good thing was we didn't see it
00:04:58.440 every single minute of the day on somebody's feed. Um, but just going to her friend's house,
00:05:05.500 you know, I had a friend who had three babies in about three years and, uh, her last two were 11
00:05:13.280 months apart and she was determined after her third baby to get back, you know, down. She wanted 0.99
00:05:23.240 to be in this little fashion show for, you know, women's ministry. And so she went from, you know,
00:05:30.020 being a pregnant, you know, mom of three and- Oh, now I know who you're talking about. And then,
00:05:36.260 and then down to a size two. Yeah. And, in just a few months- Like a crash diet, right? It was super
00:05:44.420 crash diet. Yes. Like- Terrible for you, I'm sure. Only water and salad. Yeah. And, you know,
00:05:49.300 it was terrible, but that pressure to be everything and to look good doing it- Yeah. Has always been
00:05:57.820 around. It's just increased now. Yeah. I guess it, I mean, it goes back to biblical times. There's
00:06:04.120 a reason why one of the 10 commandments is thou shall not covet. I mean, we think of like just
00:06:09.000 stuff like, oh, we want our neighbor's house or we wish that we, they had, we had their money or
00:06:14.340 their status, but it's also wanting our neighbors put togetherness, like wanting our neighbor's
00:06:19.940 appearance, wanting how our neighbor like dresses their kids. And of course it's not even your literal
00:06:25.260 neighbor. It's everyone that you see on social media now, but that's been true since the beginning 0.99
00:06:30.480 of time. Oh, I just wish I had it together like her. And I managed all these things like they do.
00:06:36.400 And even coveting your own past. So you look back at yourself when you were 18 and you say, oh,
00:06:44.920 I was so cute. I was so, you know, look how skinny I was, you know, all of those things. And you felt
00:06:51.460 like, even though when you were 18, you didn't think you had it all together. But now when you're
00:06:56.080 looking back, you think, oh yeah, I had, you know, the world by the tail and I was going places.
00:07:03.680 So we can covet our own past as well. And I think that can be even more dangerous because you can't
00:07:11.820 get away from that. You can also, I mean, you can covet the future. I think a lot of people in the,
00:07:17.620 a lot of moms in this young stage can think, oh, I just can't wait till they can, they get a 1.00
00:07:22.080 kindergarten. I just can't wait till they can dress themselves. I just can't wait until they're not
00:07:25.360 trying to literally die every second by jumping off the counter or something. Oh, it'll be so nice
00:07:31.660 when they graduate from high school or whatever. And then of course, every mom in your stage just 0.91
00:07:36.440 says, it's going to go by quick. It's going to go by quick. The days are long, but the years are short.
00:07:42.380 They are. They are. Um, I was just, uh, picture popped up in my Facebook feed this morning.
00:07:50.680 Mom, it's too early in the conversation to start crying. And it was your, it was just your
00:07:55.900 firm and graduation and, you know, which was nine years ago. And I think, and that was the day
00:08:03.500 that you knew what you wanted to do because you were able to give that graduation speech.
00:08:10.520 And, um, anyway, it does, it does go by so fast, even though you think each day you think this day
00:08:20.460 will never end. The hours from 6am to 9am seem like the entire day. Yeah. And you're thinking,
00:08:27.660 oh, it's only nine. I know. You're like, oh, yeah, it's 10 hours till bedtime. Yeah. Um, yeah. I mean,
00:08:33.840 even just, I just think about this past year, my oldest being in preschool, I was emotional when I
00:08:40.760 dropped her off at preschool for the first day. I didn't think about being emotional on the last day,
00:08:45.520 but I'm like, oh my gosh, that, that just went so fast. She's already done with her first year
00:08:52.340 in preschool. So the older they get, the more you realize how things speed up.
00:08:58.120 Well, and I think because your life then really gets shortened to nine months is a year because
00:09:05.460 you go by school years. And so it goes by so much faster when you're shortening your year to nine
00:09:12.200 months. And, um, I, it's just amazing. Once, if you think of your children's lives, they really have
00:09:19.860 about three six year segments. And those first six years are super hard because you're in it every
00:09:28.520 second of the day. And they just need so much. And yes. And then the second six years is different
00:09:35.280 needs, still intense, but not exactly the same. And then those last six, you're preparing them to
00:09:43.300 launch and wow. That's, that's when it really goes so fast. So let's talk about the second six,
00:10:04.660 the first six, we've kind of talked about just being in the thick of it, trying to outsource the
00:10:09.160 things that you can realize that you don't have to have it all together. It is enough to keep people
00:10:13.260 alive and not just keep people alive. You're also trying to teach them how to live in society,
00:10:18.020 how to be Christ-like laying those fundamentals. So you're doing a lot. And I mean, that stuff
00:10:23.940 really matters. And then the next six, okay, most of them are off to school. Maybe people are
00:10:28.340 homeschooling, but they're in a different stage. They're more autonomous. They're more independent.
00:10:32.320 What's difficult about ages six to 12? I think the autonomy that begins because you've had
00:10:39.920 complete control for the most part from zero to six or zero to five or so. And, um, you know,
00:10:49.380 you can tell them what to eat and tell them who their friends are. You've got every, everything
00:10:53.940 is right there. And then I try to tell my children what to eat. You control what they eat. They can't go
00:11:01.740 cook themselves. They can't, you know, just go with a friend somewhere and, you know, eat whatever.
00:11:07.900 Um, once they start school, um, if they're actually going to school, you have a lot less control over
00:11:15.740 that. They're meeting people that you don't know. You don't know their parents and, um, they're going
00:11:23.340 to be invited to things where, you know, that's not something you would normally do. Um, and anyway,
00:11:31.320 it's just a, uh, it's that beginning of the tearing away. I mean, the tearing away obviously begins when
00:11:38.180 they cut the umbilical cord, but really letting, letting them go and letting them, you know, make
00:11:47.040 their own friendships. And while you're still guiding that and protecting that, and, you know,
00:11:53.220 we had a lot of this, you were my social, um, kid who, you know, always wanted to be at somebody
00:11:59.760 else's house and, you know, playing with all your friends. And, um, it was really hard because,
00:12:06.180 you know, I needed, I wanted to know who those parents were and every once in a while.
00:12:13.300 And you did for the most part, you didn't let us spend the night at someone's house if you did not
00:12:16.980 know the parents. I did, except one time that sticks in my mind. And, um, you know, it turned
00:12:24.760 out that that family had an alcohol problem. Um, even though they said that it was in their past,
00:12:35.940 but anyway, I was warned after I had already let you spend the night and I had gotten to know this
00:12:42.400 mom a little bit, but, um, anyway, I, that just kind of reminded me, okay, you got to be vigilant.
00:12:51.180 And nowadays people don't even really do. It's more acceptable to not do sleepovers at all.
00:12:57.600 And, and some of it is because of technology. I heard on a mothering podcast a lot of probably a
00:13:03.480 year ago saying every family is as old as their oldest child. And so if you've got a six-year-old
00:13:09.240 that has a 12 year old brother, well, that six-year-old is going to know a lot more than
00:13:13.540 the six-year-old who is the oldest child in the family. They just have access to more. I mean,
00:13:17.820 of course I have two great older brothers and we didn't have social media, but I mean, I've watched,
00:13:22.940 I think I watched Braveheart when I was like four and I think it was like, I think I probably went to
00:13:27.660 kindergarten saying this is my favorite, uh, my favorite movie is Braveheart. Um, and then I,
00:13:35.860 you know, I watched Boy Meets World and things like that. And so, and I, by the bell, saved by
00:13:41.940 the bell and all those things. And then it's harder also for parents because then you would try to come
00:13:46.240 in after and say, you can't watch that anymore. I remember watching Sandlot when I was five and I
00:13:51.100 decided to repeat the one cuss word that was in it and to the babysitter. Yeah. Yeah. I felt so guilty
00:13:59.160 that I had to, okay, well, I'll just tell everyone this story of me, of my remembrance of saying my
00:14:05.020 first cuss word. So I'd seen Sandlot where, um, uh, what's his name? The jet Rodriguez. What's his
00:14:12.340 first name? Benny, Benny, the jet Rodriguez. He's running from the beast. And he looks back when the
00:14:17.800 beast is trying to get him and he says the S word. And for some reason, cuss words just stick in kids
00:14:23.020 heads. And they're like, I must repeat this. And it's funny. They always get it in the right context.
00:14:28.680 And we were, I remember the babysitter that we had, her name was Angela. And it was during the day
00:14:34.260 and we were running around like playing hide and go seek. And I ran up to a gate and cause I was
00:14:40.360 running and I, it was locked and I looked up and I just said S we don't cuss on this podcast.
00:14:48.040 And I was like, I can't believe I just said that. And I'm like very, as a young kid too,
00:14:53.040 I'm very concerned about like sin and forgiveness and all this stuff. And so, which is a good thing,
00:14:58.020 but I go, I went to the, I went to the babysitter in the kitchen and I was like, I said this and I'm
00:15:04.560 sure she was like, excuse me, you're like five or four. And so anyway, so all that to say it's even
00:15:14.060 more so now the things that kids have access to, I don't really see myself allowing my kids to do
00:15:20.160 sleepovers at other people's houses unless I like really, really, really, really know the parents.
00:15:25.240 We have all the same rules about social media and devices and bedtime and all that. Kids just know
00:15:31.420 more and they have more access to pornography and all that stuff than they used to.
00:15:35.640 Yeah. I, I absolutely would not let my child spend the night with anybody unless it's maybe a cousin
00:15:42.160 or, you know, a family member. But even then, I don't know. I just can play with them. You can go to
00:15:49.840 their house for, you know, several hours of the day, but spend the night. There's something about
00:15:55.700 the night. Yeah. I mean, you just don't make good decisions. No one really does. Yeah. And I mean,
00:16:01.460 there were times growing up where y'all would pick me up late. Yeah. Y'all would pick me up. And I think
00:16:06.240 that's an option if parents are willing to do it. You know, I'll pick you up at midnight,
00:16:09.680 you know, but you're going to sleep. And then another thing is too, that you don't get sleep at
00:16:14.220 those sleepovers and then you're in a terrible mood. Terrible. Yes. So the autonomy, the
00:16:19.840 independence, I think one thing that will be hard for me is like you were saying, making those
00:16:24.200 friendships and knowing, cause I went through this, that they will get their feelings hurt and
00:16:29.200 they will get excluded and they will get rejected and they might get made fun of someone. I mean,
00:16:34.480 unfortunately girls, I mean, we're probably told someone probably told us that we're ugly, 1.00
00:16:39.380 like as soon as kindergarten or that they didn't like our hair or that our shoes were dirty or
00:16:44.020 something like that. I don't think that I'm going to be able to tolerate that. Like I,
00:16:50.340 I can't even, I, I, how do you do that? How do you do that? If someone is mean to your kid at school
00:16:56.420 during those ages, not as your little baby who does nothing wrong, how do you handle that?
00:17:02.100 I did not handle it. Well, I, I don't think I got really upset when, um, you know, around fifth grade,
00:17:11.300 when, when y'all were really getting into it with, you know, there was two or three little girls that
00:17:16.820 y'all used to be friends. And then all of a sudden you're writing me notes about each other,
00:17:22.020 reading them out loud in class.
00:17:23.700 So my gosh, I know. And one of these girls, her name is Melissa and she ended up being my maid of 1.00
00:17:31.180 honor. So it does work out, but I, you know, got really upset with the other mothers because they
00:17:39.300 weren't stopping, you know, I, where I saw their children were the ones wrong, which was true, 1.00
00:17:46.180 which I'm not saying that I was faultless, but they would not, they didn't want to reconcile to me.
00:17:51.620 I don't, I don't know. We still don't know what, and they don't even know. I've asked Melissa,
00:17:55.560 what was going on? I don't know. So, um, you know, kids are just mean. I had, I was bullied
00:18:02.360 when I was in fourth and fifth grade. You bullied your sisters a little bit.
00:18:06.400 I did bully my sister, not just one sister, not my baby sister.
00:18:10.760 Only the middle sister.
00:18:12.000 And, um, yeah, it's just, it's just a rite of passage, unfortunately, for, for that age,
00:18:21.780 fourth, fifth, sixth grade. Um, really, I mean, you and Melissa reconciled around the bonfire
00:18:27.300 in eighth grade.
00:18:28.600 It took a little while.
00:18:30.500 Yeah.
00:18:30.960 So, you know, typically it, it sort of resolves itself. Um, it's harder now because you can keep
00:18:38.540 egging things on where you could come home and not have any contact with Melissa, um, or the other
00:18:45.160 girl for days. Um, it, you can't do that anymore. Well, you can, but it's harder with social media
00:18:53.480 to stay away from people like that.
00:19:09.140 If you were raising me now, like if I were in fifth or sixth grade now, how do you think you would
00:19:14.820 handle the like device social media thing?
00:19:18.180 I hope I would, if I know what I know now and you like, it's right now, I would not let you have
00:19:26.320 it. I, yeah, I would not let you have it. You were even when you were in seventh grade or whatever,
00:19:32.920 you still were one of the last people to get a phone. And even though you were still too young
00:19:40.240 now, if I knew then what I know now, I wouldn't have done that, but there was no internet access
00:19:46.740 on the phone. Well, I did not on my phone, but I do remember probably fourth grade again. It's
00:19:51.680 because just my oldest brother, he had a screen name. And so I would use his like AIM, which even
00:19:58.340 that looking back, it was too much for me as a fourth grader, even though, thank the Lord, I never
00:20:04.680 talked to any weird stranger, but that did happen to people. And it was distraction. Like I remember
00:20:10.480 almost feeling addicted to aim. Yeah. Like when I was like in fourth grade, cause your little brain
00:20:16.060 just can't handle it. And now with all the pictures and everything that's attached to it,
00:20:21.580 like every, every expert that I hear from, like I had one on yesterday, it's delay, delay,
00:20:28.100 delay, delay as much as possible. And like, it's okay if they're mad at you, which is easier said
00:20:35.380 than done. But I was never mad at y'all. I know. And if you were just so compliant and so easy,
00:20:41.340 I don't know. It was, you know, it was a breeze. People can probably tell from my personality now
00:20:46.120 that I never had any opinions at all. Right. Right. Yeah. No, um, that was not true. Yeah. So
00:20:52.840 okay. Let's talk about the next six years then. So, and, and the, the middle six years, we've got
00:20:58.720 the autonomy learning how to let go, but also still having a lot, you still have to have a lot of
00:21:04.240 control and influence over your kid's life during those times. It's not a time to just let go
00:21:08.600 completely. It's a time to like, maybe you loosen the leash. Yes. But the leash is still there. And
00:21:14.280 in the next six years, I would say that's probably the hardest because you are loosening that leash,
00:21:19.580 driver's license, phone, things like that. Um, but you, you're still, the leash is still there.
00:21:28.660 So it's difficult to know how much slack to give, right? It is. It is. Especially when you're hearing,
00:21:35.740 mom, it's so ridiculous. Everybody else is, you know, the, the everybody else thing. And it would
00:21:44.020 get me because I don't, I didn't want you. And no mother wants their child to be the only one 0.98
00:21:50.400 that doesn't get to do anything. We may say, well, I don't care what other people do, but we do.
00:21:55.540 And so it's really difficult. But, um, I remember when you were going into high school, so ninth grade,
00:22:05.540 we had a meeting with all of your closest friends, the, the girls that you sort of really hung out
00:22:13.560 with the most, all of their parents, we had them over for dinner. So we could, we thought this was a
00:22:21.280 great idea. We would, we would get everybody on the same page so that you couldn't come home or
00:22:27.680 their daughters couldn't come home and go, well, Allie's mom, or, you know, Danny's mom said, you 1.00
00:22:33.680 know, you couldn't pit us against each other. Um, so we got everybody, we didn't make them sign
00:22:40.100 anything, but we just, we should have, but we were just like, okay, we agree that, you know,
00:22:46.460 we're going to have a curfew. We're going to have, you know, no sleepovers, no co-ed sleepovers,
00:22:51.920 which was a big, very low bar. That's a crazy that that would have been a thing, but it actually
00:22:58.300 was when people would go to lake houses or something, there were boys and girls and homecoming
00:23:03.280 and, you know, all of the things they had about that. Yes. A lot of that. And I was like, that doesn't
00:23:10.820 even, you know, I remember when Justin, they even did that when Justin and we didn't let him
00:23:16.400 do it either. Yeah. And, um, so that, so we had that, that dinner and everybody was like, yes,
00:23:24.360 this is great. We're not one of them did that. Not one of them. So you were the only one. I was,
00:23:32.120 I mean, looking back, obviously I'm thankful for that. Like, I think I had an 11 o'clock curfew,
00:23:36.940 um, which that's now looking back, I'm like, y'all were obviously right that the closer you get to
00:23:43.820 midnight, the less likely you are to make good decisions. It's just true. But back then it was
00:23:49.500 hard because Melissa, Melissa is going to listen to this and be like, why do I keep getting brought
00:23:54.560 up? But, and you know, my friends though, they weren't, they weren't out drinking. They weren't
00:23:59.860 having sex. They weren't doing those things. And neither was I, but their parents, I mean,
00:24:05.020 they would sometimes come home really late and their parents didn't care or they would take it on a
00:24:09.900 case by case basis. Whereas like y'all didn't take very well to, and now I understand, but if I
00:24:15.480 called you at 10 45 and said, actually, is there any way I can stay for an hour? Y'all did not like
00:24:21.340 that. Y'all did not like a change of plants. Yeah. Yeah. Well, it put us on the spot, you know,
00:24:26.560 and then we had to really look bad by saying no. Yeah. Um, or we give in a little bit. Yeah. You can
00:24:34.220 stay till 11 15 or 11 30 or something, you know? Yeah. Um, anyway, yeah, that, that is the most
00:24:41.000 difficult part. And one of the things that actually helped us, um, with you, the boys were,
00:24:48.940 especially Justin, um, you know, Daniel's on the autism spectrum. So we didn't have the same
00:24:54.820 issues with him and Justin was always pretty compliant, you know? I mean, um,
00:25:01.620 he's also a boy. And so it's just different. It was a little different, you know, and he just
00:25:06.100 didn't ask to, to stay out later. He didn't really care about doing that. And you were just always
00:25:12.540 more social, but, um, we decided to go to counseling when you were about 15, 16 years old.
00:25:20.640 Yeah. And this was because just so everyone knows it's because my dad and I, who I've had on a couple
00:25:25.140 of times. So everyone knows now that we have a great relationship now, a great relationship. I'm so
00:25:29.700 thankful for my dad, but in high school, we didn't, I mean, we really butt heads. I mean,
00:25:35.320 we went at it all the time because I felt like he was, he, I didn't like that. He didn't trust me.
00:25:41.460 So he would preemptively tell me you better not do that. And that would just irk me. Um,
00:25:48.060 we just didn't get along. We just didn't mesh. I thought he was too overbearing. He thought that I
00:25:52.860 was too probably pushing the boundaries a little bit rather than just saying, okay, sounds good,
00:25:58.440 dad. And I never wanted to say that. And so it was a constant battle and you were in the middle
00:26:04.420 kind of trying to always mediate, trying to be a peacemaker. Usually you were kind of
00:26:10.140 defending me in a lot of those, in a lot of those cases. Um, but it was, it was tense. It was a tense
00:26:17.640 time. It was very, I felt like one of those, um, punching bags that you sit in the floor and you hit
00:26:24.460 it and it just kind of goes, that's what I felt like. And so I finally told your dad, uh, we've
00:26:31.580 got to get help because I can't live like this and y'all can't either. Somebody's going to kill
00:26:36.560 somebody. It may be me killing both. We did it. And just to reiterate, there was never any violence
00:26:43.040 or anything like that at all. We're just talking about being at each other's throats metaphorically.
00:26:48.560 Yes. Um, anyway, we went to a counselor and the, the best thing he told us, and I've shared this with
00:27:00.080 parents many times is having a, um, sort of a grid, I guess you call our columns. So you,
00:27:10.500 you would have your, uh, rules, your first, you would have your values. Your values are never going
00:27:18.880 to change. We always value respect. We value honesty. We value love all of those things.
00:27:25.900 That is not going to change in the middle. You would have your rules and then you would have
00:27:33.420 your preferences and those two things are going to exchange places. So your rules for
00:27:40.440 your six-year-old might be, you have to be in bed by eight o'clock. That's not going to be the same
00:27:46.180 rule by the time they're 16. That might be your preference that they go to bed at eight o'clock,
00:27:51.260 but that's not realistic. So you begin to, um, exchange the rules and the preferences and that
00:27:59.740 way you're letting go gradually. Um, you know, one of the things that just drove your dad crazy,
00:28:06.860 it didn't bother me as much, but was your messy room. And he wanted your room cleaned up every
00:28:13.780 single day, you know, and I was like, ah, let's let that be a preference. And let's say you have
00:28:19.320 to clean up your room every Saturday or yeah, something like that. And so that just happened
00:28:25.920 to be our thing. Other families have, have different, um, rules and preferences, but I just
00:28:31.780 loved that simplicity. And I, that helped us so much, um, that you could be a part of that conversation
00:28:39.700 and we could say, okay, the rule has been your curfew as at 11. Now maybe that's a preference
00:28:49.120 and the rule is now going to be your curfew is at midnight. Yeah. You know, whatever. So, um,
00:28:56.320 I think that that was just a really easy way for us all to agree and, and have an adult conversation
00:29:04.360 about it. I remember the metaphor that he, that the counselor gave, and by the way,
00:29:22.460 the counseling wasn't that easy. Like it was met with some resistance from dad, but I think he also
00:29:28.020 learned a lot from it. Um, and my dad, I mean, y'all know he's a great, great dad. We just had,
00:29:35.060 you know, personality, a personality class because we're similar in a lot of ways. And that can be
00:29:40.120 difficult, especially when you've got a teenage girl. But I think one thing that made it difficult
00:29:44.420 was like the counselor would say, okay, metaphorically, your dad is saying you've got peas and carrots.
00:29:50.540 You need to eat your peas before your carrots. Whereas maybe Justin Daniel would say, it doesn't
00:29:55.200 matter. So, okay, I will. Sure. I would say it doesn't matter. So why should I? Why would you
00:30:02.220 even tell me that? It doesn't matter if I eat my peas before my carrots. So let's stash this out right
00:30:07.440 now. And I'm letting, I might do it your way, but it won't be because you told me to. I'm not saying
00:30:12.900 that that's a good characteristic that I had, but that's just kind of how things were. So everything
00:30:17.300 always just kind of like escalated to this point of tension. Um, but then like things like that
00:30:23.760 tension really kind of resolved and relieved itself when I went off to college. So just like
00:30:29.460 encouragement, I think for, um, because I'm sure that I was not the only teenage girl that had this
00:30:36.820 kind of adversarial relationship with their dad. Um, I mean, by the grace of God, I think both dad and I
00:30:42.540 grew in our faith at the end of college, but also the distance and the autonomy that I really
00:30:48.860 desperately wanted. Dad always said I was six going on 26. And I was, that's why school was hard for me
00:30:54.240 because I would listen to my teachers. I'd be like, that's not right. That's not right. And,
00:30:59.500 and so I was finally an adult and it, it like literally is as good as I always thought it would
00:31:06.020 be. I love being an adult. I don't miss anything about being a kid or even being in college. I love
00:31:12.480 being an adult. And so finally having that and y'all like I went to South Carolina from Texas.
00:31:17.920 It's a long way. Having that space, I think really helped. I'm not saying that's the answer for
00:31:22.500 everyone, but for us, I think that helped a lot. Yeah. And I think that sort of the gradual, uh,
00:31:30.320 from that counseling forward, it got a little better and a little better, um, until you went to
00:31:38.500 college. And so it wasn't like going to college was the answer. It was, it was a very gradual
00:31:44.580 growing in y'all's relationship. And then, um, me trying to step back and let y'all work that out
00:31:52.460 instead of jumping in and trying to, you know, pacify each side, I had to step back and realize
00:31:59.840 you weren't going to kill each other. And, um, it, I think, I think that's what happened. Um,
00:32:07.340 and then just, you're going off that far, you know, it's, I don't, I don't, no matter what kind
00:32:15.560 of relationship you have, when your child leaves your home, there's a tearing away that happens.
00:32:22.980 And you may have had the worst relationship. Kids, you, you see it all the time. Adult children
00:32:29.220 still will come want that relationship with their parents. And they may have been terrible parents,
00:32:36.040 but they will try again and again and again, many times. And so sometimes that distance is what is
00:32:43.140 needed to kind of foster that. And some parents too are, are better at different stages, you know,
00:32:51.120 and like dad is a, y'all both are, y'all both are. So you had all the stages that you were good at,
00:32:57.000 but, um, he's a really good parent of adult kids, not just to me, but to Justin and Daniel too. Like
00:33:03.840 he's a really like good friend, like he's a good advocate. And I enjoy talking to him about the
00:33:10.800 things that we talk about. So we're just bad. Cause now I, I am on, I mean, not on, you know,
00:33:17.920 his level, but that like authority piece that was always difficult for me, teachers with anyone
00:33:24.960 is not there anymore as much, you know, or really at all. And so that allows it to just be a lot more.
00:33:32.640 Right. Well now you, you respect him in a different way. It's not out of authority or fear or,
00:33:40.040 you know, you're trying to tell me what to do. It's just on that more pure respect.
00:33:47.640 And it's also just maturity. I mean, you're just immature when you're 16 and you just are,
00:33:51.680 and you can't see things. And so it's so difficult. And I just like empathize with that. And I hope I
00:33:56.260 remember that for my kids, like how physically incapable you are as a teenager to think through
00:34:03.860 consequences and what you feel seems so absolutely true. It just seems so true. And you really can't
00:34:11.160 be convinced otherwise. And so I just hope I remember that. And you were always good at that.
00:34:16.660 Like if I went through a breakup or something, you obviously knew this is, this is going to be fine.
00:34:21.660 She's going to be fine. She's going to meet someone else, but you never made me feel like
00:34:25.740 you're so dumb for caring about that. Yeah. Um, okay. We only have a few minutes left, but adult,
00:34:32.260 adult years now as a, like a grandparent, mothering adult children. And I know like Daniel
00:34:38.060 has different needs and things like that. And so that's, you know, a whole conversation in and of
00:34:42.640 itself, having a, um, an adult child with special needs, but just in general, like what tips do you
00:34:48.920 have for parents whose kids are out of the house or they're getting independence, they're becoming
00:34:54.680 grandparents now? Um, well, you know, it's, it's, it's the whole process of parenting is letting go
00:35:03.400 as we've been talking about. And, um, so once you've kind of let go through college and if they
00:35:11.440 didn't go to college, maybe they've moved out of the house and they're, you know, have their own
00:35:15.380 apartment or whatever there it's, it's a little easier. And so once they're adults, you can start to
00:35:22.340 have that relationship, like you were talking about with dad, um, more of a friend, um, relationship.
00:35:30.320 And you can talk about adult things and, um, just have normal conversations, I feel like. And, um,
00:35:39.840 it, it is hard not to slip back into mama mode, you know, and, and when they call and tell you about
00:35:48.100 something and you want to go fix it, it, it's, you just do. And I still don't want somebody hurting
00:35:56.140 you or, uh, hurting your feelings. You know, when, when I see comments on Twitter, any mean comments
00:36:02.500 or messages, so you don't have to worry about that. And, and then that just, um, multiplies to the
00:36:09.720 grandchildren. Yeah. You know, that's, oh yeah. Don't, don't mess with my grandkids. Yeah. Yeah. It won't
00:36:17.440 be. What is it like becoming a grandparent? It's not the same feeling that you have, right? Like
00:36:22.200 when they lay the baby on your chest and there's that inexplicable tidal wave of love. And you were
00:36:26.720 like, I will literally take you out if you do anything to my child and I don't care. Yeah. And,
00:36:33.360 but you say that it's the same thing for your grandkids, but it can't, it's not the exact same,
00:36:37.100 right? Like what is the difference? It's different, but it's multiplied. It's, it's like, it's not that,
00:36:43.340 oh, I don't know. I started to say, it's not that I love them more than you, but you don't have to
00:36:52.300 do a lot of the difficult stuff. I think that's it, that you get to love them and that's it.
00:36:58.560 You don't have to discipline them, you know, not really. Um, it's just easy and, and you're just so
00:37:06.560 thankful that, wow, we did it. You know, we, we got them to adulthood and now this is our reward and,
00:37:14.520 and they're keeping their kids alive. And it's, um, I don't know. It's, it is, it's hard to explain.
00:37:21.020 It's just like hard to explain parenthood. You can't really explain that feeling to someone who's
00:37:26.140 never had a child. And it's the same way with grandparent. Yeah. Yeah.
00:37:36.560 Okay. Last 30 seconds to the mom who, or no, not the mom to maybe the woman who is scared to bring
00:37:54.060 kids into the world. She, she's a Christian. So, you know, she's married. She feels like she should
00:37:59.980 have kids. She wants to have kids, but she's scared because the world is scary. And so she's
00:38:05.700 hesitating or whatever, like what's your encouragement to the mom who is scared to raise
00:38:11.340 kids in the crazy culture that we have today? Well, I think every generation has had something
00:38:18.400 to be scared of. And, um, but we, we all keep having babies and I just encourage you to trust
00:38:28.500 that if you feel that, that nudge, that it's time to, to have a baby, do it. Um, God is in control
00:38:38.560 and every, you know, the, the moms in world war II, you know, we're having a lot of, you know,
00:38:47.420 there was a lot of anxiety going wrong, going on at that time. The moms in the fifties, you had the,
00:38:53.180 you know, the H bomb and the Cuban missile crisis and all of those things that was super scary back
00:39:00.820 then too. Then in the sixties, you had all the riots and the race wars and all of those things
00:39:06.140 going, every generation has had something to be afraid of. And, um, and yet we had babies and, um,
00:39:17.160 we kept the world going and that's what we're supposed to do. Yeah. Darkness, darkness needs
00:39:23.540 light too. I mean, if there's anything that you can do to contribute to goodness, that's in the
00:39:29.120 world, raise wise and strong and brave kids. Right. What you said reminds me of that C.S. Lewis quote,
00:39:36.020 and I can't remember it verbatim, so I'm going to butcher it, but he's talking about like when you,
00:39:41.500 they were scared of the atomic bomb and you know, all the drills and everything that was going on
00:39:47.080 and people are asking, how are we supposed to live? What are we supposed to do? And he's like
00:39:50.980 the same thing that people did when they were scared of Viking attacks, the same thing that
00:39:55.040 people did when they were scared of the bubonic plague, the same thing that we did. Like you said,
00:39:58.880 during world war one and world war two, we kept going, doing the things that glorify God. Like,
00:40:04.880 and he's like, uh, you know, a microbe can kill you. Yeah. And you, everyone here that he was,
00:40:11.600 it's a radio show. He's like, everyone here is going to die. A lot of us are going to die in really
00:40:15.680 gruesome ways. And so this just adds another thing to the list that we might die from.
00:40:22.180 And so if it's like, he was like, if the atom bomb finds us, let it find us like drinking a
00:40:27.060 pipe with our friends, reading the Bible, bathing the children, cooking dinner, doing the things
00:40:31.540 that God has called us to do because nothing that we do in the way of anxiety is going to stave off
00:40:36.340 death. That's what Jesus said. Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to your life?
00:40:40.820 God has already, he's going to equip the next generation for whatever obstacles it faces.
00:40:47.160 And what better, you know, every time somebody has a baby, almost every time there's so much
00:40:53.360 excitement around that and so much hope. And I think new life does that. It gives new hope.
00:40:59.720 Maybe this, you know, this will be the child that, you know, cures cancer or something like that.
00:41:06.520 You never know.
00:41:07.320 You don't.
00:41:07.620 You never know.
00:41:08.340 You absolutely.
00:41:08.860 Image bearers of God are credits to the world rather than the secular view that human beings
00:41:14.160 are just burdens to the world. And that's our responsibility as Christians, as mothers,
00:41:17.920 to make sure to carry that message to the world. So thank you so much, mom. Happy Mother's Day.
00:41:23.680 Thank you.
00:41:29.720 Thank you.