Ep 925 ｜ Can Christians Say No to Sex Within Marriage？ ｜ Q&A
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Summary
Is it biblical to say no to sex within marriage? Do you need to have sex when you re in a committed, monogamous relationship? Is it okay to not have sex for long periods of time without sex?
Transcript
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We are answering all of these fascinating questions and many more on today's episode
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of Relatable, which is brought to you by our friends at Good Ranchers.
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Hope everyone's having a wonderful day and week.
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I'm going to get into some of the questions that you guys sent me.
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Is it biblical to say no to sex within marriage?
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Now, first, when I read this question, I thought you meant like period, like no sex ever during
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marriage, which is not biblical because the two are supposed to become one flesh.
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And believe it or not, there are like I have heard of situations where even having sex
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has been something that has been put off during marriage or that one of the people in the marriage
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And I'm just telling you that that needs to be that needs to absolutely be addressed.
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So I know for some people, you're listening to that and you're like, there's no way that's
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So I'm just saying that that is something that you need to go address because it is
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absolutely biblical to have sex within marriage.
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If you don't want to have sex one night, is it okay to say no?
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Let me read you what 1 Corinthians 7 through 4 or 4 through 5 says.
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For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does.
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Likewise, the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does.
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Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time that you may
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devote yourselves to prayer, but then come together again so that Satan may not tempt
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So there's so much packed in there that we don't have time to fully unpack.
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One thing I want to emphasize, typically when we're talking about this, like depriving one
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another or having authority in sex, it seems to be coming from like a male perspective.
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Like the woman is not supposed to deny the advances of her husband and should just always
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But look, we are looking at a biblical mutual submission here of the body is that the husband
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The wife does not own her own body in the sense that both of you are mutually submitted
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And it doesn't just say wives don't deprive your husbands.
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It says do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time that you
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And so it also says we shouldn't be going long stretches in our marriages as long as
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there is physical capability to have sex without having sex, except for some exceptions.
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Because Satan can tempt you because of a lack of self-control, because we are sexual beings.
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These sexual desires are supposed to be, supposed to be satisfied within the context of marriage
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So it is a gift that God has given us of pleasure.
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It is also a gift that God has given us to kind of regulate and satisfy those sexual desires
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in a way that actually glorifies him and honors marriage.
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So it's actually for our protection that we are supposed to be having consistent sex when
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Now, because of this mutual submission principle that we read, and because of what we read in
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other parts of the Bible, not just about marriage like in Ephesians 5, but also just
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about loving one another, outdoing one another, and showing honor and showing dignity and respect
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to other people, thinking of other people's interests above our own.
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And there needs to be some understanding on the part of either the husband or the wife.
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If the wife just had a baby, she's in some kind of state where it's very clear that she's
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tired, that she's overworked, that she's overtouched, that she's overstimulated, or whatever the
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circumstance is, the husband needs to be deferential and respectful to that and understanding and loving
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And there should be no pressure there to do something that she clearly does not want to
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do, or is just in a state where that is not possible, or it's not going to be mutually pleasurable.
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But the same goes from the wife to the husband.
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I mean, we are reading again that this is a mutual thing going on here, that there needs to be some
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intuition, there needs to be some understanding, there needs to be some compassion.
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And so on both ends, there needs to be respect, there needs to be love, there needs to be
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understanding and understanding that satisfying each other's sexual desires within marriage is
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There should be some willingness there, both in love for each other and obedience to the Lord.
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And then also there needs to be some deference and some understanding when the time is just
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Neither party should ever feel like they are just being used to release a desire.
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It should always be about mutual respect and submission and love.
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And how good is God that he set up the institution of marriage to protect us from being objectified,
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to protect us from all of the different sexual mistakes and all of the sexual wrongs and heartbreak
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and heartache that comes from a secular sexual ethic.
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That is the beauty of marriage and the beauty of God's definition of and gift of sex.
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This is kind of random, not random that you asked, but random and that I don't typically
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But someone asked me, pregnancy with hypothyroidism, any tips?
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So this must be a long time like vigilant listener because I don't typically talk about
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But I am hypothyroid and I have been, I guess, for a while and I've, you know, been on medication
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for that and thank the Lord, it's always been easily controlled and regulated and I never
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I've also never had a problem with that within pregnancy.
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Now, I don't have all of the expert answers for you.
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There are a lot of different accounts that you can follow, a lot of different resources.
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Now, healing my thyroid is not a journey that I have gone down yet.
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It is something that I want to do to try to understand the way that we eat, the way
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that we live, the things that we consume and the things that are around us, how that
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affects our thyroid because our thyroid affects so much.
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I will just admit, I haven't really gone down that path fully yet because my hypothyroidism
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But I do really want to get to root causes and make sure that I'm doing everything to
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You guys know that I'm not 100% crunchy, like not even close, maybe like 50% or less
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I believe in understanding root causes and trying to change our lives to be as healthy as
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But I don't take all of those steps, just to be honest, in this stage of my life.
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And I also, as I think most holistic people would also say, like truly holistic people,
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I also, you know, believe in the beauty and the miracle of some forms of modern medicine.
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And so right now, especially when I'm pregnant, because having your thyroid regulated is so important
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for conception and especially in that first trimester, I really haven't messed with any
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I haven't, you know, changed how I take my medicine and things like that, except for just
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keeping up with my levels and the dosage and all of that.
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So I think as far as conception, as far as pregnancy goes, don't take, I'm not trying to
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give medical advice or anything, but make sure that you make sure that your levels are good.
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I think that's probably the most important thing for conception.
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It seems like there's a season, a time and a place for different kinds of healing.
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I, during pregnancy, I just didn't want to mess with something that already worked.
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And so in some stage of my life, I do want to take a more holistic and more functional
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approach to make sure that I'm actually healing my thyroid as much as I can.
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I don't know if that really answers your question, but hopefully it gives you some things to think
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We don't know the day or the hour that Jesus is coming back.
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Um, someone says so many people look to Trump as the savior for America.
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So this is not really a question, but I'm guessing you're wanting my thoughts.
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I do think that there are about, I don't know, 20 to 30%, maybe less of Republicans, not of
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Americans, but of Republicans who do kind of see Trump in this way.
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They might not use that language, um, but they do see Trump as a specific, particular, like
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God-ordained savior-like figure and the only person that can turn America back around, the
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only person that can save Western civilization.
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I don't know where they get that just based on, just, just based on what we see, based on
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I'm not saying that he wasn't a good president.
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I just don't see this kind of unique, God-like aura about him.
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I don't know really why people hoist him up to this place of like this demigod status.
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I do think it speaks to his unique capability to create a cult-like following.
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But whether it's Ron DeSantis, whether it's Joe Biden, whether it's Donald Trump, remember
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We put them in place to serve our interests and our well-being.
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They're certainly not our intellectual betters.
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They are people that, yes, serve an important role.
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Romans 13 says that God ordained or God instituted governments for our good to punish evil and
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But in America, we have a government of the people, for the people, by the people.
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And we're supposed to have public servants in place, not these people that we place on
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So just remember that, I mean, Donald Trump is not a savior.
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He's just a person, just like any other politician.
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And all of us should treat all politicians as such.
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I guess my friends can tell me if that's true or not.
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Tips for talking to woke Christian relatives about their beliefs.
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In a way, I would say that like every episode that we do kind of offers some equipment and
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But I also think that reading tactics by Greg Kokel is really helpful.
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And taking the inquisitive approach in all these conversations, remember that the goal of each
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conversation is not necessarily to win that one argument, but to make them think about
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Honestly, most progressives that you talk to do not know why they believe what they believe.
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They couldn't give a reasoned, reasonable answer for why they have the policy positions
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that they do, why they believe abortion is okay.
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Now, I'm not saying everyone, some do, or they might have more thoughtful positions on
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But most things are just because it's ubiquitous.
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It's just because it's what we hear and see everywhere is the progressive position.
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And they'll say something like it's empathetic or it's compassionate or it's loving or it's
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They need to argue for why their positions are the compassionate or right or moral position.
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And so just start asking them, why do you believe that?
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Why do you believe in whatever it is, illegal immigration?
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Like, do you think that there should be any limit on how many people we allow into the country?
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Do you think there should be any stipulations, any restrictions at all?
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Do you think anyone who wants a better life from any part of the world, no matter what their
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background is, should be allowed to live in your neighborhood?
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Like, I think that those are kind of good questions to ask.
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Of course, they might get on the defense, but or just really trying to understand, even
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not pointed questions like that, but really trying to understand where they're coming from.
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Maybe if you come from a place of curiosity, they would be willing to read or listen to
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And you can say that you are also willing to do the same thing.
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That kind of mutual understanding and respect can be really helpful.
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Um, yeah, I would start with asking questions that make them think about why they believe
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what they believe and always be ready and willing to give an answer for what you believe as well.
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Have I thought about running for president in 2024 or just in my life?
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Um, I know I don't see myself ever going into the political arena.
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To be perfectly honest, it seems really boring.
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Why would I give up what I do now, which is amazing and fun and has so much flexibility
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Like, why would I want to move to a state capitol, which are always kind of blah?
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Why would I want to move to our nation's capitol, which is blah?
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You're constantly having to be, you're put in a place of constantly trying to compromise
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So I'm thankful for the people who try to be salt and light in those very dark arenas.
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But if I had to run for one thing, if I had to be one thing, it would definitely be president.
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Ban pit bulls, require people to wear socks and shoes on airplanes, no talking on speaker
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phone in public, lots and lots of important things on my agenda that I would accomplish
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So yes, if I had to do something in the political arena, of course, I would be president.
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So many horror stories and people talk so negatively about it.
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Yeah, that's what we talk about toxic mommy culture.
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I wrote about it in my book and it is the culture of complaining about your kids and your husband
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And this whole transparency, authenticity movement, which may be started with good intentions,
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has ended up just revealing people's selfishness and their narcissism.
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And it's okay to be vulnerable about how difficult motherhood is because it is difficult.
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It requires a lot of sacrifice of your time, of your energy, of your body, all of those
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But to constantly make fun of your kids or complain about your kids or laugh at the expense
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of your kids publicly and to use their experiences, their behavior, their emotions as content,
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I think is really, really disgusting, actually, and very immoral.
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And we should also not be supporting that kind of content.
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And of course, we shouldn't be doing it ourselves.
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And so just understand that you're seeing a lot of stuff about the horrible parts of motherhood
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because it's popular to do that, because people get clicks.
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Now, I'm not saying that all jokes about how hard motherhood is are bad.
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I'm not saying that we should never laugh like, oh, my gosh, I haven't showered in three
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That's very different than exploiting your child and their difficulties for clicks.
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And so I do want to just make that distinction there.
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But motherhood, which you don't always see of motherhood, you either see like how horrible
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and awful it is, or that it is like the only thing that could ever fulfill a woman.
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You don't want to idolize your children and think that's the only thing that's going to
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You also don't want to idolize yourself and think that your kids are some trap or there's
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some like shackle on you preventing you from being fully liberated and happy.
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And when you see them as gifts, things that you can be thankful for, something that you
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can steward well, then you can really enjoy them.
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Both the difficulties that come with motherhood and the beauty that comes with motherhood.
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The most beautiful part of motherhood is just the love that you have for them.
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This incredible, just self-sacrificial love and the instinct that you have to protect them
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and to teach them and to help them and to steward them.
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The fact that you would do absolutely anything for them, you would endure any pain for them,
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any heartache for them, you would do any sacrifice for them if it means their well-being.
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I mean, even with your spouse, you don't fully feel like that.
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There is just a new depth of love and compassion and patience that is unlocked and unleashed when
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That doesn't mean that they don't get on your nerves.
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That doesn't mean that there aren't some difficult parts of parenthood.
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Because of course there are, but just this all-encompassing, heartbreaking love that you
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feel for your child, the way that they can make you laugh more than anyone else, the way that they
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can bring you joy, the way that they can just make your heart sing and bring you to tears like
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in any given moment, just because you see the little image of God reflected in them and
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someone that you helped create or adopted or whatever it is.
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That is just, I mean, it's inexplicable, really.
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Coming out of that ad, you might notice if you're watching on YouTube, this looks a little
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That's because I did the first part of that Q&A a few months ago and I'm finishing up this
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How to handle grandparents slash child relationships when the grandparents are quote unquote progressive.
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I would say that's really difficult because obviously you want them to have a relationship
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There's a lot of wisdom that I think grandparents can give.
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However, it is your responsibility, your primary responsibility as a parent to disciple your
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children, to help them guard their hearts and their minds before they get to the point
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where they're able to guard their hearts and their minds.
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It is more important that you protect your kids' hearts and minds, that you instill them
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with what is true, than that they have a close connection with their grandparents.
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It is not your primary responsibility to please your parents.
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As difficult as that may be, your primary obligation is now to the stewardship of your children.
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So it would depend, I think, how aggressive and assertive your parents are in trying to
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I mean, if every time you turn around, they're trying to tell your kids things that are not
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true, that are anti-biblical, that's going to have to be a very firm boundary, I think,
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It would mean, if my parents were trying to actively disciple my kids in what is not good
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and right and true, again, is anti-biblical, that would mean you're not spending time with
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That means we can all be together in a group, but you are not going to be teaching my kids
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things that is going to be destructive to their lives, their minds, bodies, and souls.
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And if that causes some kind of division, which I imagine that it would, that's unfortunate.
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But in the long run, is it worth it for your children?
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Now, if your parents are respectful, they should respect that boundary.
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And they should say, they should understand what's going on.
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I don't know what kind of personality they have, but some very strict boundaries are going
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I would not say, here, spend the weekend with grandma and grandpa as they tell you ridiculous
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and harmful things about gender and God and identity and marriage.
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Nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope.
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There is the power of introduction that adults have over children.
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That means if you are the first person to introduce something to your children, introduce a concept
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to your children, you are going to be the one that they look to as an authority on that
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That's why it's so important for parents to be having proactive conversations with our
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kids about God, about who they are, about their heart, their mind, their bodies, about
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marriage, love, all these things in an age-appropriate way.
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But we have to be, as far as it depends on us, the first people to talk to our kids about
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Now, as your kids get older and you've discipled them, you've placed that foundation, they can
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probably handle having those conversations with grandma and grandpa if they don't agree
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But while they're young, I would say no, it's just too risky.
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You need some hard boundaries and a lot of supervision when it comes to time with them.
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Let's see, can you date someone with different theology, charismatic and reformed?
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It's not that I think that two people from two different theological camps aren't, that
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They're both going to see each other in heaven.
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But there are some distinct differences there that are important.
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And really, because of the implication that it has in how you're going to raise kids, like
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Two people with very similar backgrounds and identical theologies are already going to have
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disagreements when it comes to raising your kids.
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But then if you have really big theological differences, then that's going to be difficult.
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I'm not saying that they cannot be overcome, but it's just going to make it more difficult.
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It would be much better to at least agree on the big things before you get married.
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It would be much better to agree on what denomination you're in and what church you are going to
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go to before you get engaged and certainly before you get married, because you are going to be one
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And if your husband is going to be loving and leading his wife as Christ loves and leads the
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church, then there needs to be some unity there.
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And so if you're dating how Christians should date, which is dating with the intention to
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marry, there needs to be an agreement on the major theological things before engagement.
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Like you need to, you need to know where both of you stand on that and agree on that before
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I think I've answered this probably a few times before, but I would say my favorite books
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Those that's, that's what I, how I typically answer that Ephesians, because I think
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that it most clearly and beautifully lays out what the gospel is.
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If you've been listening to this podcast for any amount of time, you know, that I have,
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um, been referring to Ephesians, um, that I refer to Ephesians all the time, Ephesians
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two, and then Genesis, because I also go back to Genesis one through three all the time when
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I'm thinking through cultural and moral issues of our day.
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And, um, I also just find it really entertaining.
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Like I think of the stories in Genesis tell us so much about human nature and who God is
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And there are just so many tidbits throughout Genesis that I find intriguing and humorous
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And so I would say Genesis and Ephesians tell us the most about the gospel.
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What was my biggest takeaway from interviewing Ken Ham?
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Um, gosh, I go back and listen to those episodes if you haven't already, but probably how he spoke
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about Genesis one through 11 and how almost all of the questions that we have today, the
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so-called culture wars can, they really point back to Genesis one through 11 and what you
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I always say in my speeches, and I've said this before I talked to Ken, Ken Ham.
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And so we're just in agreement on this, but really they all go back to Genesis one, one,
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that God created the heavens and the earth, the most controversial verse in the Bible,
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because all of our theology flows out of what you believe about that.
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Do you believe that God is the authority, the creator over all things?
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If you do, then he says what isn't, what isn't, what's right and what's wrong, what's true,
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All of the questions that we are told we don't really have the answers to today are found in
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Genesis one, one, the authority of the Lord to say what is right, what's wrong, what's true,
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and what's false. Let's see. Do I ever struggle with guilt as a mom who works? That's a good
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question. I think all moms, whether you consider yourself a stay-at-home mom or a working mom,
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struggle with some kind of guilt, whether it's guilt over breastfeeding versus formula,
00:29:34.780
home birth versus hospital birth, what kind of food that you're giving your kid,
00:29:40.620
how much time you spend away, how much time you allow other people to hold them versus how much
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you hold them. There's a lot of reasons that unfortunately moms deal with a lot of shame and
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a lot of guilt. I like to say that I am in between a girl boss and sourdough starter.
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My family is my number one priority. My kids are, after my marriage, are our number one priority in our
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home. I am extremely, extremely grateful for how I am able to work, that I have so much flexibility
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and so much time spent at home. I get to come into the studio and I get to talk about things that I'm
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passionate about. And then I get to go home and I get to be there all day and all night. And I feel
00:30:43.880
called to do this podcast. I feel called to speak. I feel called to write. I feel equipped to do those
00:30:50.540
things. And in this season of life, we believe that this is part of what I'm supposed to do,
00:30:58.400
but never at the expense of being a mom. And I think all moms are called to balance in some way.
00:31:07.760
All moms are called to a variety of responsibilities. Now, I am not advocating for
00:31:14.540
leaving your home all day and delegating the responsibilities of parenthood and motherhood to
00:31:22.720
daycare or to a third party that doesn't care about your kids. I understand that is sometimes
00:31:29.540
the necessary situation that some moms find themselves in, but I'm not saying that women
00:31:35.480
should be chasing their career at all costs and should be outsourcing parenting to someone else.
00:31:41.700
That's not what I'm advocating for. What I'm saying is that I know a lot of business-owning
00:31:48.120
women, a lot of entrepreneurial women, a lot of artistic women that are in one way or another
00:31:54.440
like living out the gifts of artistry or communication or leadership that God has called
00:32:03.780
them to and bringing their family along with them as they're doing that, integrating their motherhood
00:32:09.900
with these other callings too. There are lots and lots of women who are doing that
00:32:15.480
on a daily basis. And I am one of, I'm one of those women. So yeah, in between the like professional
00:32:24.200
working woman and the sourdough starting woman, that's where I am. And that balance isn't always
00:32:32.540
perfectly found just like it is in, just like it's not perfectly found for any stay at home mom
00:32:40.560
either. I know like homeschool moms who are also like working, writing, doing interviews,
00:32:46.240
like a million different things. Women are incredible at multitasking and doing a lot of
00:32:52.540
callings at once. And we learn, I think through sanctification, the power of the Holy Spirit,
00:32:58.740
how to best say yes and no to things at any given moment. And of course, I'm still learning that.
00:33:05.300
But yeah, by the grace of God, like we really do take it, my husband and I, we work together.
00:33:10.800
We take it one day at a time, one week at a time, one month at a time, one year at a time. And we work
00:33:18.400
together as a family, we make it work. And there's a lot of joy and a lot of humility and a lot of
00:33:25.380
learning and cooperation that takes place. And so, yeah, this is just one part, I think,
00:33:31.280
of my calling that's always subservient to my calling of being a wife and mom.
00:33:36.660
That's what I would say to that. And I'm like, I need to kind of like, I think, do a whole episode
00:33:42.300
on that and flesh those thoughts out a little bit more. So what exactly that looks like, you guys know,
00:33:49.220
I'm going off again on this, but like I've gotten criticized in the past for like being a mom who
00:33:55.480
also does a podcast and speaks. But like some of those people that criticize me, they don't criticize
00:34:01.840
the women who are in ministry, who are also moms, who run nonprofit organizations, who are also moms,
00:34:08.480
who are writers and professors, who are also moms. They have those people on their podcast who are
00:34:12.740
journalists and also moms. Like I arguably work a lot less than a lot of those women.
00:34:18.460
And spend a lot less time online than some of the women who are always wagging their fingers
00:34:24.900
towards people like me about us working. So yeah, it's an interesting world out there. We all have to
00:34:30.440
do our best in prayer to follow the call that God has put on our lives. Okay, I think that's all we
00:34:37.220
have time for today. And I hope that you have a great rest of your day and we'll be back here soon.