Relatable with Allie Beth Stuckey - Ep 957 ｜ How the Gospel Heals Anger, Addiction & Adultery ｜ Guest： Jeff Allen

00:00:00.600 You are never too far gone, never too far off, never irredeemable.

00:00:05.900 There's nowhere that you can go that God's grace can't reach you and change you.

00:00:10.580 That is the story of Jeff Allen.

00:00:12.760 He is a stand-up comedian who became a Christian 27 years ago, and his life before that and

00:00:18.140 since then is an incredible and uplifting testament to God's power and his desire to

00:00:27.720 save the lost sheep.

00:00:30.340 So here today to share his incredible story is Jeff Allen.

00:00:44.760 Jeff, thanks so much for joining us.

00:00:47.060 Well, thanks for having me.

00:00:48.360 Yes, yes.

00:00:48.940 For those who may not know, can you tell us who you are and what you do?

00:00:51.760 I am Jeff Allen.

00:00:53.140 I am a comedian, a stand-up comedian.

00:00:57.060 I am on the tour right now based on the book, Are We There Yet?

00:01:01.460 Yeah.

00:01:01.860 I just finished the Arlington Music Hall on Saturday.

00:01:04.880 Okay.

00:01:05.420 Yeah.

00:01:05.820 Awesome.

00:01:06.840 How did you get into comedy?

00:01:08.500 Oh, my gosh.

00:01:11.420 Well, my brother was a musician, so I was 16 when I went to a club he was working, and

00:01:16.540 I saw some comedians.

00:01:18.480 And I thought, boy, that'd be neat to be able to do, but how do you do it?

00:01:22.220 You know, back in 1975, they didn't have a table set up in career day in high school

00:01:31.240 for stand-up comedians.

00:01:32.440 Right.

00:01:33.180 Anyway, I forgot about it.

00:01:34.540 About six years later, I was working for a jewelry company in Chicago, and somebody said,

00:01:38.460 let's go to this comedy club.

00:01:39.660 And I said, what is that?

00:01:40.600 And they go, comedians get up one after another.

00:01:43.600 And that was it.

00:01:44.180 It was August, and I think it took me until November to work the courage up.

00:01:49.760 And then I was, that's a Thursday, and that was Thanksgiving night, so it was a Thursday

00:01:53.460 night.

00:01:54.340 Yeah.

00:01:54.700 And then I went back Sunday for the next open mic night, and the MC came over and go,

00:01:59.680 you're going to have to make some sense tonight.

00:02:01.160 We're still trying to figure out what you said Thursday night.

00:02:04.080 It was not good.

00:02:05.360 Oh.

00:02:05.860 Yeah.

00:02:06.260 Not good at all.

00:02:06.860 It was not good.

00:02:07.580 Yeah.

00:02:07.760 Okay.

00:02:08.040 How did you improve?

00:02:10.320 I don't even know how you work on something like that.

00:02:12.700 That's it.

00:02:13.200 You know, it's repetition.

00:02:14.760 It's not like, you know, you can produce an album for music in a studio, never once seeing

00:02:20.340 a live audience.

00:02:21.780 Right.

00:02:22.020 But you can't do that in comedy.

00:02:23.900 Yeah.

00:02:24.140 I mean, you have to be in front of people.

00:02:25.960 Yeah.

00:02:26.580 And it takes, you know, Milton Berle, I think, said it takes 10 years for a comic to really

00:02:30.960 find his voice.

00:02:32.040 Yeah.

00:02:32.260 It took me really up until, you know, dry bar hit for the country to catch up with me.

00:02:40.960 Right.

00:02:41.160 And it was interesting reading the comments.

00:02:43.080 Where has this guy been?

00:02:44.300 I've been around since 1978.

00:02:45.960 Yeah.

00:02:46.920 You know.

00:02:47.800 Gosh.

00:02:48.200 I imagine that being a comic, especially stand-up comedy, it's got to feel so vulnerable because

00:02:55.620 you just like, you made the comparison to a singer that's in the studio, but even a singer

00:02:59.880 that's on stage, a lot of times they're singing music that's not their own.

00:03:04.300 They didn't write it.

00:03:05.800 They are doing a cover.

00:03:07.100 They're singing music that someone else wrote.

00:03:09.200 But you're writing your own jokes.

00:03:11.980 You're not just performing words.

00:03:13.660 You're writing your own jokes.

00:03:15.540 And humor is something that can be very subjective.

00:03:18.500 So it takes a lot of courage, in my book, at least, to stand up in front of people and

00:03:22.960 say, I'm funny, and I want you to think so, too.

00:03:26.240 Well, that's, yeah.

00:03:27.540 And it's different audiences have different, you know, it's funny, when I started working

00:03:30.360 in the churches, I was 40, so I was already 18, 19 years into it, and my entire resume

00:03:38.200 was casinos and nightclubs.

00:03:40.600 So when I, I was in Las Vegas working when 9-11 hit, and I couldn't get home, and like

00:03:47.260 a lot of people, you know, my family was freaking out, and I'm sitting in the desert, and I can't

00:03:53.660 get home, and I told my manager the next day, I need to find another place to work.

00:03:57.740 Oh, you'd think churches would hire me.

00:04:01.000 He's Jewish.

00:04:01.780 So he says, well, you're asking the wrong guy.

00:04:04.160 Yeah, right.

00:04:04.980 So anyway, we put it out.

00:04:06.160 I did one church in a year, but it was an interesting, I'm a storyteller.

00:04:13.300 So in the clubs, I learned to just get to the point, you know, and I think Shakespeare said

00:04:19.200 brevity's a soul of wit, but you learn in the clubs that if you ask a rhetorical question,

00:04:24.320 some drunk will yell out like you're talking to them.

00:04:27.040 So I quit asking rhetorical questions.

00:04:28.940 I quit making general statements about men and women.

00:04:31.500 I just started talking about my wife.

00:04:33.760 I had a woman stand up in the middle of a show, and I, why don't you talk about men the way 0.98

00:04:37.260 you talk about women?

00:04:38.160 I go, I'm not talking about women. 0.99

00:04:39.400 I'm talking about woman, the one I married.

00:04:41.460 Yeah.

00:04:41.880 You know, and if you married her, you'd talk about her too.

00:04:44.140 So anyway, it's a process of, yeah, you know, somebody once said, have you ever bombed?

00:04:56.960 I go, you're not a comic till you bomb. 0.88

00:04:58.640 You know, it's like you're not a boxer till you get punched in the face. 0.96

00:05:01.460 You'll decide after you get punched in the face if you want to box.

00:05:04.580 Right.

00:05:04.900 And you'll decide if you want to do comedy after you've humiliated yourself in front of

00:05:08.460 hundreds of people.

00:05:09.420 Yeah.

00:05:09.720 How do you deal with that in the moment?

00:05:11.120 I've always wondered that.

00:05:12.160 I've only gone to a couple comedy shows, and you can tell when the comic says something

00:05:17.580 that he thinks is going to land one way, and it just doesn't.

00:05:20.160 We're still trying to figure out what he said or whatever.

00:05:22.700 And you keep going.

00:05:23.880 You roll with the punches.

00:05:24.780 But in that moment, once you've said something and no one laughed, what do you do?

00:05:31.580 Well, you just move on.

00:05:33.140 And that's one of the reasons why it's important to be prepared, you know.

00:05:36.760 But the funniest thing, I fell in love with my wife because of her laugh, and she laughed 1.00

00:05:41.800 at all the jokes that didn't land.

00:05:44.200 Yeah.

00:05:44.840 I'd hear her in the back of the room, you know, just cackling, and I go, I got to meet

00:05:49.340 this one.

00:05:50.200 Yes.

00:05:50.700 Oh, my goodness.

00:05:51.680 That's a really sweet story.

00:05:52.940 So tell me a little bit more about that.

00:05:54.380 How you met your wife?

00:05:55.360 Oh, she was a waitress at a club and a smoker 37 years ago. 1.00

00:06:00.500 They have the best laughs when you cannot get oxygen into your lungs.

00:06:04.740 Yeah.

00:06:05.120 Yeah.

00:06:05.300 That's music.

00:06:06.240 Charming.

00:06:06.480 Yeah, the gagging, gasping, wheezing.

00:06:08.720 Yeah.

00:06:09.460 So anyway, I walked off stage, asked about her.

00:06:12.200 I asked her, the woman in the back, and she came out of the back room, and I've been doing

00:06:15.740 this as part of their new tour.

00:06:20.960 She came out with a white blouse and leather skirt, you know.

00:06:24.140 And perm, it was the 80s.

00:06:26.240 Yeah.

00:06:26.400 So she had a, and that was it.

00:06:29.780 I mean, I followed her around like a puppy dog.

00:06:32.580 My son said, so how'd you meet?

00:06:34.540 I said, I followed her around until she paid attention.

00:06:36.640 She said, oh, you go, she stalked her. 1.00

00:06:38.100 I go, eh, that would be today's term.

00:06:39.780 Yeah.

00:06:40.460 Back in the 80s, it wasn't against the law.

00:06:42.580 Yeah.

00:06:42.960 I guess it worked out.

00:06:43.820 Yeah.

00:06:44.320 And she had a two-year-old son, and we just hung out for the week, and I was living in

00:06:49.480 Los Angeles at the time.

00:06:51.980 And, you know, it was interesting, in my relationships prior to her, I'd meet a waitress, spend four

00:06:57.840 or five days with her, and then that would be it.

00:06:59.920 You know, there were no cell phones, so I just didn't keep in touch.

00:07:02.480 And I got back to L.A., and I thought, you know, well, that's just another one, you know.

00:07:07.820 But then, you know, I said, no, she's different.

00:07:12.520 So I kept in touch with her, and we would hook up if I was in the Ohio area, you know, Indianapolis,

00:07:19.900 whatever.

00:07:21.260 And anyway, it was April.

00:07:23.760 I flew them out January to Los Angeles, and I played dad for a week with the kid, took

00:07:28.240 him to Disneyland and the beach, and I had a mattress on a floor.

00:07:32.960 And a 13-inch black-and-white TV.

00:07:35.320 That was my assets in a 68 Volkswagen Bug.

00:07:38.840 Yeah.

00:07:39.320 You know, so I've quite the catch.

00:07:41.940 Yeah.

00:07:42.260 And anyway, April, I had an idea.

00:07:44.600 I thought I'd ask her to marry me.

00:07:46.660 I had no ring, no plan, nothing, just an impulse thing.

00:07:50.100 And I got to the airport waiting for the luggage, and I said, I love you.

00:07:55.300 I love Erin.

00:07:55.900 Do you want to get married?

00:07:56.740 She said, pardon me.

00:07:57.900 And I said, do you want to get married?

00:07:59.740 You and I.

00:08:00.460 So she knew who I was talking about.

00:08:03.320 And she thought about it, looked at me, and this is a direct quote.

00:08:06.420 She said, I guess, yeah, if that's what you want.

00:08:09.740 Okay.

00:08:10.220 And that was it.

00:08:10.780 Like, I asked her to go to McDonald's for breakfast, you know, if that's what you want. 0.98

00:08:14.120 Yeah.

00:08:14.460 And that was it.

00:08:14.860 We got the luggage and left, you know.

00:08:16.460 And how long were you engaged before you got married?

00:08:18.540 We were not.

00:08:19.320 I mean, I asked her to marry me in April.

00:08:20.840 She got pregnant in May, and we got married in July.

00:08:23.060 There you go.

00:08:23.800 And I went from traveling 50 weeks a year, single, with no responsibility, to a wife and

00:08:30.380 two kids under the age of three.

00:08:32.100 Yeah.

00:08:32.600 Wow.

00:08:32.980 Ryan was born in January the following year.

00:08:35.240 It's a big change.

00:08:36.040 Yeah, and July 5th was the first time when I walked into Alcoholics Anonymous.

00:08:53.480 How many years has it been that y'all have been married now?

00:08:56.060 37.

00:08:56.940 37 years.

00:08:58.060 Okay.

00:08:58.300 So you've made it.

00:09:00.360 Tell us about those beginning years.

00:09:03.120 Well, the book is about, the first half of the book is about those seven or eight years.

00:09:07.640 Yeah.

00:09:08.220 I had to tell a couple stories that got me into recovery.

00:09:14.700 We were living in Boston.

00:09:16.020 We moved to Boston to start our family.

00:09:19.600 And I was able to, you know, I was a binge drinker.

00:09:24.060 I would go out on the road five or six days, and I would drink and party and whatever, and

00:09:28.160 then come home, dry out.

00:09:30.140 So that's basically the husband I was.

00:09:31.860 I was a dried out drunk.

00:09:34.000 But Boston, I was able to stay in the city and work.

00:09:37.440 In the 80s, Boston was the hottest place in the country for comedy.

00:09:40.400 I mean, you could stay in one building and do five shows on a Saturday.

00:09:44.240 They had three upstairs, three downstairs, and the comics would just go up and down to

00:09:47.980 different houses.

00:09:49.320 So I couldn't stay sober for weeks.

00:09:53.740 So I would start binging at home.

00:09:56.160 And it didn't take long.

00:09:59.020 Tammy was, God gave me, you know, it's funny.

00:10:01.620 I was raised in a home where, you know, conflict was settled with a, you got tossed against the

00:10:06.320 wall.

00:10:06.900 And that was the end of, you know, whatever the conflict was.

00:10:10.120 So I avoided conflict.

00:10:14.060 And what did Scott Peck say?

00:10:15.940 You cannot have a loving relationship without conflict.

00:10:18.200 There's no such thing as a conflict-free loving relationship.

00:10:20.640 It doesn't exist.

00:10:21.940 And again, you'll decide if you love each other after the arguments start.

00:10:26.500 So anyway, I feel God bless me with a woman who actually enjoys conflict because I would 1.00

00:10:32.680 try to avoid it and she would follow me from it. 0.97

00:10:34.820 So anyway, I'd get home at three or four in the morning drunk.

00:10:37.400 And then she would push me out of bed at seven in the morning and tell me, those boys need

00:10:41.420 a father.

00:10:42.240 Get up.

00:10:43.460 And I mean, I resented her for that.

00:10:45.060 I mean, I couldn't sleep. 0.94

00:10:46.340 I was, you know, I was just a raving lunatic.

00:10:50.160 So one night I got so drunk, I drove the wrong way on the interstate in Boston at two in the 0.76

00:10:54.940 morning.

00:10:55.300 I was going into traffic.

00:10:57.260 Fortunately, Boston's not very busy at two in the morning in the interstates.

00:11:02.860 Anyway, it took me an hour and a half to get home on a 35-minute drive.

00:11:07.540 You know, that was kind of like, holy cow, you know, I wake up and look at what I've done.

00:11:11.580 And probably less than a week later, I was doing cocaine in front of a nightclub that

00:11:18.100 I just finished.

00:11:19.340 And there was a wrap on the window and I look up and there's a police officer.

00:11:24.160 So he takes me out and cuffs me and he's putting me in the cruiser.

00:11:28.020 And another officer who was on off duty was doing security at the club I just finished,

00:11:33.380 came out, saw me and said, oh, he's one of the comedians, let him go.

00:11:37.880 As if that's a get out of jail free card.

00:11:40.260 And they did.

00:11:41.560 They took me out of the cruiser and uncuffed me.

00:11:43.420 And he said, you have no idea how lucky you are.

00:11:45.900 The DA's up for re-election and they love white suburban boys right before election time.

00:11:51.460 You were looking at three to five.

00:11:53.760 And I had a six-month-old son and a three-year-old.

00:11:57.620 And anyway, I'm driving home thinking, my gosh, you know, you think that would be enough.

00:12:03.700 Anyway, and the bottom, the absolute bottom, I came home from a party on July 4th and I

00:12:14.040 was sitting in my office trying to figure out why I was so miserable, where all the guilt

00:12:19.820 was coming from.

00:12:21.080 You know, I never had guilt.

00:12:22.960 I mean, I'd been arrested.

00:12:23.760 I'd be bar fights.

00:12:24.620 I mean, but that's part of being a drunk.

00:12:26.560 Anyway, I realized it was her and the kids, you know, and this is, I mean, I, I, I have

00:12:33.120 a conscience, you know, and, um, anyway, I figured if I can get rid of her, I'll, and

00:12:38.800 the kids, I can just send money and, you know, I made a mistake when I'm in a year married.

00:12:44.560 Yeah.

00:12:45.000 And I realized I made a huge mistake.

00:12:46.920 So you thought that if you got rid of your wife and kids, then you wouldn't feel this

00:12:50.400 nagging guilt anymore.

00:12:51.720 Yeah.

00:12:51.840 And that's, you just wanted to get rid of that.

00:12:53.960 Right.

00:12:54.140 At that point, did it occur to you that it was actually the behavior that was making

00:12:58.360 you feel guilty?

00:12:58.500 Not at all. 1.00

00:12:59.200 You're, you're insane. 1.00

00:13:00.160 You know, they call it insanity. 1.00

00:13:01.300 I mean, I was trash. 0.96

00:13:02.400 So anyway, I decide if I beat her up, um, who could stay with someone that does that? 0.97

00:13:08.540 So I'm standing next to my wife, she's sleeping and I'm standing there.

00:13:12.680 And again, that voice we have inside of us, we all have, God gave us a conscience.

00:13:17.480 I said, this is wrong.

00:13:18.380 I'm, I'm, I'm wrestling with what I'm about to do.

00:13:20.880 Well, my son started crying, the six month old.

00:13:23.180 So I went in and tried to quiet him down, ended up spanking him. 1.00

00:13:28.480 Um, Tammy wakes up, takes him from me and she says, who does this?

00:13:32.960 And she sat in the end of the bed and fed our son and no shame that washed over me.

00:13:38.480 I mean, I had felt nothing that deep that cut me to the core of what I almost did, what

00:13:46.100 I could have done.

00:13:46.860 Um, so anyway, I told her, um, if you don't take me to Alcoholics Anonymous, I won't go.

00:13:53.020 And if I don't go, I don't think we're going to make it.

00:13:54.640 Not even thinking about what that did to her. 1.00

00:13:57.480 She already had one child out of wedlock and now she's got this drunken idiot looking at 1.00

00:14:03.440 her going, I don't think I'm going to make it. 0.99

00:14:04.960 Like, my gosh, the fear that must've went through her body.

00:14:07.980 Holy cow. 0.89

00:14:10.160 So anyway, she takes me in and they tell me to pray.

00:14:12.480 And I said, to what?

00:14:13.940 Um, you know, and that started the journey.

00:14:17.540 That's, you know, the first six chapters of this book is about that seven or eight years

00:14:22.180 of trying to find some point in meaning to life apart from myself.

00:14:28.100 And I went through it all, new age, Buddhism, and, um, I was trying to figure out how to

00:14:34.620 accumulate wealth.

00:14:35.780 We had filed bankruptcy.

00:14:37.580 We had, uh, I mean, you know, uh, we're actually literally 10 minutes from the courthouse, um,

00:14:45.360 filing divorce papers.

00:14:46.660 Uh, we had them notarized and she changed her mind.

00:14:49.740 But the book begins with the baggage claim proposal in the first chapter.

00:14:53.460 And the first chapter ends seven years later, we're in Arizona.

00:14:56.100 I find out she's with another man in California and, um, I call her, I asked, uh, her friend

00:15:04.660 said she was shopping at a mall.

00:15:06.480 So anyway, I call my credit card.

00:15:07.900 So just to clarify the timeline.

00:15:10.000 So about a year after you got married is when you went to Alcoholics Anonymous and that was

00:15:18.020 your road to recovery.

00:15:19.060 You didn't become a Christian then.

00:15:20.560 Oh gosh, no.

00:15:21.160 You just started realizing, okay, there's something bigger than me.

00:15:24.320 How I've been acting is not okay.

00:15:27.060 And so I know that the details are filled in your book, but, um, what, I mean, what did

00:15:32.360 it look like a little bit from that moment to the seven years later when you found out

00:15:36.600 that your wife was cheating on you? 0.96

00:15:37.760 Just angry.

00:15:37.960 Just angry.

00:15:38.840 Bitter.

00:15:39.340 Jaded.

00:15:39.820 So your marriage didn't get better right away.

00:15:41.680 Oh gosh, no.

00:15:42.720 Okay.

00:15:42.900 You know, and that's one of the things, the illusion that, you know, even the spouse says,

00:15:48.000 well, if he quits drinking, everything will be okay.

00:15:50.840 Oh, the cap came off, man.

00:15:52.460 I was just, um, snotty.

00:15:57.540 Um, did you resent her in some ways for kind of push, like pushing you to sobriety or making

00:16:04.960 you feel guilty?

00:16:05.660 No, I was okay with sobriety.

00:16:07.520 I really knew I didn't want to drink again.

00:16:09.460 Yeah.

00:16:09.680 You know, that was the, you know, I'd go to my sponsors and, um, I would, I would work

00:16:14.720 the program, I knew I didn't want to drink again, but I, you know, it's, it's interesting.

00:16:19.680 I had a lady come up to me about a year and a half into the program.

00:16:22.540 She came up to my navel and she goes, young man, can I say something to you?

00:16:27.280 I said, please do.

00:16:28.180 And she poked me and she said, I've been listening to you for well over a year now.

00:16:33.000 Maybe the problems in your life aren't your wife's. 0.96

00:16:35.820 Maybe it's you. 0.99

00:16:37.160 And I had just enough sobriety not to pound her head into her chest cavity. 1.00

00:16:41.360 Yeah.

00:16:41.420 And, um, I, it was interesting because I said to the, to one of the guys, I said, I

00:16:48.000 can't go home.

00:16:48.640 I'm going to argue with her.

00:16:49.520 I'm going to fight with her.

00:16:50.280 I don't want to do this, but I'm so, anyway, he says, pull into a church.

00:16:55.740 I go, what do you mean?

00:16:56.520 He goes, they're open all day.

00:16:57.580 Just pull in, sit in the pew.

00:16:59.240 I go, why would I do that?

00:17:00.660 They go, I don't know.

00:17:01.380 He goes, I find a sense of calm.

00:17:04.300 So I don't know.

00:17:05.160 I was driving home and I see this church and I just pull in and I walk in and I sit in

00:17:10.400 the pews and I just start sobbing, just sobbing, you know, miserable mess, you know?

00:17:19.960 And, uh, that was kind of, I think that lady pointing that, I always say there's seeds. 1.00

00:17:25.020 We have, God gives us people in our lives.

00:17:27.840 We are the message, the message carrier for him.

00:17:31.080 You know, I look at wonderful life.

00:17:32.580 It's one of my favorite movies.

00:17:33.820 I've been watching it since I was in my twenties.

00:17:35.640 And when he prays, he gets, ends up getting punched in the mouth, you know, and he gets

00:17:40.520 sent on this life-saving journey all the way to Clarence and back.

00:17:45.360 But it began with, you know, help me. 0.84

00:17:47.700 And then God jacks him in the face, you know, but sometimes we need a punch in the mouth,

00:17:53.320 you know, to, to, to get us moving. 0.87

00:17:56.140 Yeah.

00:17:56.760 And we're in Arizona.

00:17:58.020 And, um, anyway, I, I, I mentioned it because it's, um, it was, for me, I believe this was

00:18:08.480 when the Holy Spirit, um, there was a, there was a night, I can't, I, the timeline's messed

00:18:17.520 up, but months, maybe a couple months earlier where I was, I was in the yard.

00:18:20.980 I had, I had gotten into an argument with Tammy and I had, I had put a 50 pound heavy bag on

00:18:25.360 my porch so I can punch it when the, when this bile would come up, I would just go out

00:18:30.220 and hit this bag.

00:18:31.940 And, um, Tammy told me years later, you know, when we were living in Nashville, she said,

00:18:37.260 you remember that bag you had?

00:18:38.560 I go, yeah.

00:18:39.460 She goes, every time you went out there to hit that, I thought you were hitting me.

00:18:48.480 Oh.

00:18:49.660 Yeah.

00:18:50.920 No, not at all.

00:18:51.780 I said, I just, there's this, I, and men, I, I know this because men come to me all the

00:18:58.120 time.

00:18:58.500 They get it.

00:18:59.380 There's this bile inside of us that something clicks and I'm no longer in the room.

00:19:06.200 I mean, I'm not, I'm just, there's another out of body.

00:19:10.320 It is.

00:19:10.860 It is.

00:19:11.520 It's just, I, and it starts with me with shame.

00:19:15.260 The shame kicks in and then the cycle has to run its course.

00:19:18.620 Yeah.

00:19:19.060 So if I can avoid it.

00:19:21.780 If I can avoid that, then I'm okay.

00:19:24.000 I mean, I'm okay.

00:19:25.340 So anyway, one night I'm hitting the bag and it falls off the hinges and I end up picking

00:19:29.960 it up and I'm throwing it against the cinder block fence and screaming at the heavens.

00:19:34.660 Why?

00:19:35.580 Why?

00:19:36.000 I mean, that's all I'm just screaming.

00:19:36.880 Do you know, at this point, why were, do you know why you were angry or what kind of set

00:19:40.700 you off this episode?

00:19:42.020 So you just kind of had these episodes of intense anger.

00:19:45.540 And at this point you were sober.

00:19:48.360 Oh, stone sober.

00:19:49.360 This is, this is, you said about seven years after.

00:19:51.700 Seven years in, yeah.

00:19:52.660 So you're in Arizona at this point.

00:19:56.140 Y'all had stuck it out, even though it had been difficult, but you're still trying to deal

00:20:00.720 with these bouts of anger in a way that you probably felt was healthier at the time, right?

00:20:06.760 Yeah, I tell people, I, you know, I eventually shut down.

00:20:10.720 I mean, if you're, I always say, if you're in a marriage full of acrimony, wait till you

00:20:13.600 get to apathy.

00:20:15.460 God never intended us to be an apathetic relationship, you know, but that was the only way I could

00:20:21.220 function was to just shut down.

00:20:25.020 But eventually the cap would come off and I would just explode.

00:20:28.880 Yeah.

00:20:29.200 So anyway, um, I, I finished banging the bag and I'm sweating, you know, and I'm walking

00:20:35.480 the house and my kids are standing there and they're little and Tammy's looking at me with

00:20:39.760 her jaw just like, what did I just witness?

00:20:43.060 And she says, get out.

00:20:44.800 And I go, what do you mean?

00:20:45.820 She says, leave.

00:20:47.240 You go to a hotel.

00:20:48.680 That's where you live anyway.

00:20:50.160 I don't want you here.

00:20:52.000 She was scared.

00:20:53.180 Yeah.

00:20:53.520 And my son came over, little Ryan, he was probably five, four, puts his arms around my legs.

00:20:58.720 I pick them up.

00:20:59.580 He goes, daddy, you scare me.

00:21:00.660 I go, I scare myself, son.

00:21:03.000 And something came over me and I looked at Tammy and I said, I don't know how I know

00:21:07.460 this, but it'll never happen again.

00:21:09.680 And she said, BS.

00:21:10.820 And I go, no, have I ever said that to you?

00:21:13.960 She goes, why?

00:21:14.780 What does that matter?

00:21:15.740 I said, my father said it to my mother over and over and over again.

00:21:19.780 And it always happened.

00:21:21.000 My brother, same thing.

00:21:22.580 I never made that promise to you.

00:21:25.000 I don't know how I know this, but it's not going to happen again.

00:21:28.420 And I believe in hindsight, as I was writing the book, looking for things, signs, this

00:21:34.900 was when the Holy Spirit came.

00:21:36.200 That was the answer to the, to the frustrating prayer to the heavens, just shouting out, I

00:21:43.520 can't do this anymore.

00:21:44.720 Why?

00:21:45.000 So anyway, we get to the point where I find out she's in California with another guy and

00:22:02.100 I, I call the hotel room, a credit card said it was, she was using it at a hotel.

00:22:06.260 So she picked up the phone and I said, gotcha.

00:22:11.100 And I said, get home.

00:22:12.320 I'm not doing this over the phone.

00:22:14.540 And Allie, I believe in my heart of hearts, had she come home that night, we would not

00:22:18.320 be married today.

00:22:19.280 James compares the human tongue to a rudder on a ship, very large vessel, small part, but

00:22:25.380 you can't steer that vessel without the rudder.

00:22:28.340 And the tongue is small part.

00:22:30.900 And we steer this.

00:22:32.260 We can edify, bless, and praise out of one side, but we can cut, curse, and destroy. 0.98

00:22:38.380 And I would have cut, curse, and destroyed that night. 0.99

00:22:40.560 I would have tore her up. 0.99

00:22:42.380 I was, you take an angry man and give him the right to be angry, then it's righteous anger.

00:22:47.000 And that's when all the damage is done.

00:22:49.060 Right.

00:22:49.720 But as it was, her friend called me and said, she won't be home.

00:22:52.420 She's too devastated to fly.

00:22:54.500 She'll be home in the morning.

00:22:55.960 That night alone in my room changed my life.

00:22:59.100 Every time I'd get righteously angry about what she was in the middle of doing, that little

00:23:03.960 voice would say, remember the time, you know?

00:23:07.340 And I share some of the more painful incidences.

00:23:12.560 We were in an argument in Jersey.

00:23:14.160 I stood on a stool in the kitchen.

00:23:15.640 And I screamed at her until she dropped to her knees and sobbed and put my son to bed 0.98

00:23:20.820 that night.

00:23:21.280 He goes, Daddy, you win.

00:23:22.180 I go, what do you mean I win?

00:23:22.900 He goes, you yell, Mommy cries, you win.

00:23:26.200 Not a proud moment.

00:23:27.280 I went downstairs.

00:23:27.860 I told Tammy, I said, I'm going to get help.

00:23:29.460 I am.

00:23:30.000 I'm going to.

00:23:30.380 And I did.

00:23:30.840 I went to a therapist.

00:23:33.140 And I just didn't want to be who I was.

00:23:36.840 I didn't know how not to be.

00:23:37.980 So it was just all this information, you know?

00:23:42.140 I just wanted information.

00:23:43.320 So I read all the books I could get my hands on, all the self-help, all this stuff.

00:23:48.680 And eventually, God put me in the path of a Bible-believing Christian. 0.97

00:23:52.500 And this is, okay, so after you found out that your wife was having an affair, and the

00:23:58.180 next day she came home, and you were?

00:24:01.020 Yeah, I picked her up at the airport.

00:24:02.380 And as you can imagine, I mean, she's shuffling across the tear streaks, and I'm exhausted.

00:24:10.320 She stops dead in her tracks, and she's just bracing herself.

00:24:13.520 And I walked over, and I put my arms around her, kissed her in the cheek.

00:24:16.280 She said, that's it.

00:24:17.140 I go, that's all I got left.

00:24:19.600 We're a mess, you and me.

00:24:21.720 If what you want is in California, I'm not going to stand in your way, sweetheart.

00:24:25.020 I'm not.

00:24:25.440 But if you want this marriage to work, you have to take 50% of the blame.

00:24:30.160 I'll take the other 50.

00:24:31.380 If it gets 51-49, that imbalance will destroy us.

00:24:35.200 We'll start calling each other names, and we'll resent each other.

00:24:39.480 So take your half, I'll take my half.

00:24:41.680 And if it's meant to be, we'll be married.

00:24:44.300 And I told her, I said, I love you.

00:24:45.900 I do.

00:24:46.720 I just don't love well.

00:24:49.040 I'm trying to learn that.

00:24:50.980 I am.

00:24:51.620 And then how long after that was it that you came across this Bible-believing Christian?

00:24:58.280 About a year, year and a half.

00:24:59.880 Okay.

00:25:00.460 I came across him relatively soon after that.

00:25:04.380 But we left that week.

00:25:07.500 It was interesting.

00:25:08.460 He kept bringing up the Bible as we would talk.

00:25:10.980 And I'd go, stop it with the Bible. 0.98

00:25:12.420 He goes, what's wrong?

00:25:13.280 I'd go, I mean, I don't, probably an agnostic now.

00:25:16.480 But I said, I'm an atheist.

00:25:17.480 I don't believe God, God's word.

00:25:18.840 Come on, a little archaic.

00:25:20.260 And he says, what's in the Bible you don't think is true?

00:25:23.300 Maybe I can help you out.

00:25:24.220 And I go, I don't know.

00:25:24.860 I never actually read the Bible.

00:25:25.960 He goes, then you're not an atheist. 1.00

00:25:27.180 You're a moron. 1.00

00:25:29.380 I said, how so? 1.00

00:25:31.780 And he said, look, he goes, it's the most influential book in the history of the world.

00:25:36.320 And you can't even crack it open. 0.99

00:25:37.660 That's just lazy and moronic. 1.00

00:25:40.160 He said, crack it open. 1.00

00:25:41.400 Read it.

00:25:41.780 Study it.

00:25:42.340 And then if you come to some conclusion, you know, but to just ignore it.

00:25:47.740 And that's really been my mission for the last 25 years is to get even Christians to 0.99

00:25:52.500 open the book.

00:25:53.820 I was shocked when I started working churches, how many of them don't even use the Bible as

00:25:58.000 a reference.

00:25:59.300 So anyway, we parted company and he asked, he goes, I like you.

00:26:03.080 And believe me, I have no idea why.

00:26:04.920 I really don't.

00:26:05.640 I was a foul mouthed, angry, bitter, jaded, cynical human being.

00:26:08.660 And he was just this beautiful, beautiful man.

00:26:13.160 And he said, can I sign you up for some Bible study tapes from our church?

00:26:18.480 And I said, if it doesn't cost me any money, you can sign me up for whatever you want.

00:26:23.200 Not kidding.

00:26:23.960 Two or three days after I got home to Arizona, the Bible came in the mail.

00:26:27.300 He sent me a Bible.

00:26:28.860 I threw in a junk drawer and then the tape started coming from the church, never opened

00:26:33.340 one up.

00:26:33.820 And that was about a year, year and a half.

00:26:35.420 Uh, but we, we would talk, we'd played a lot of golf together and we had nice conversations,

00:26:41.540 but it always ended the same.

00:26:43.320 He never once said, I sent you tapes, sent you a Bible.

00:26:46.960 All he'd say was, how are you and Tammy doing?

00:26:48.980 I'm going, not too good, Phil.

00:26:50.160 I'm going, I just can't stop smashing things.

00:26:54.460 He said, well, we pray for your marriage.

00:26:55.900 I go, why?

00:26:57.260 And he said, because we believe they're ordained from God and you were put together for a reason.

00:27:02.220 Um, and, um, anyway, time came, Tammy just got, we were filing divorce papers and we

00:27:09.900 turned around and went home and on the side of the road, I told her, I said, you're out.

00:27:16.320 She goes, what do you mean?

00:27:17.260 I go, we drive 10 more minutes.

00:27:18.620 You're out.

00:27:19.840 You deserve better than me.

00:27:21.500 You know, it was just saying that every man at some point in his life needs to get down

00:27:24.900 wind from himself.

00:27:26.040 You know, I had gotten down wind.

00:27:27.520 I, you know, that night in the bedroom, I mean, I went from how could she be doing what

00:27:31.580 she was doing to what took so long.

00:27:33.440 I wouldn't want to be married to me either.

00:27:35.280 I mean, it was just one thing after another. 1.00

00:27:37.180 I mean, it's like, holy cow, you're a jerk. 1.00

00:27:41.140 That's a polite word. 1.00

00:27:42.920 So I told her, you're out.

00:27:44.860 She says, let's go home.

00:27:45.860 I said, we go home.

00:27:46.720 You're in for the long haul.

00:27:48.360 When we met, we got married.

00:27:49.880 We didn't know each other.

00:27:50.960 We didn't know what we were getting into, but we've had seven years now, eight years.

00:27:55.280 So you're in.

00:27:57.300 She goes, I'm in.

00:27:58.060 Well, three months later, she said, I'm taking the kids.

00:28:00.640 I'm going to Ohio for the summer.

00:28:02.560 You're draining me.

00:28:04.480 I mean, I didn't know what, I mean, I can't imagine if a woman knows what it's like to 1.00

00:28:07.620 be married to somebody who has no idea the point to what, why we're losing the house. 0.68

00:28:13.540 We're losing everything.

00:28:14.520 And she's shaking me.

00:28:15.920 I mean, we're losing.

00:28:17.160 I can't make the money you make.

00:28:19.000 I would.

00:28:19.640 I'd do everything else. 0.94

00:28:20.800 She says, but you got to get your head out of your rear end and start working comedy. 0.87

00:28:26.240 I mean, I said, but why? 0.90

00:28:28.580 What's the point?

00:28:30.500 You know, I've got one of the stories I tell in a book.

00:28:32.940 I got wrapped up in my kid's gerbil.

00:28:34.500 I just sat there watching it one day.

00:28:36.520 Tammy walks by after about 15 minutes or 20.

00:28:38.720 She goes, what's going on with you and the gerbil?

00:28:42.100 And I said, look at it.

00:28:43.400 She goes, it's a gerbil.

00:28:44.540 I said, no, but it gets sticks on one side, brings them over the other, stacks them up,

00:28:47.960 and then brings them back over, stacks them up.

00:28:50.920 Every now and then spins the wheel.

00:28:53.460 She says, so what?

00:28:54.380 I go, it's our life.

00:28:56.580 She goes, what do you mean?

00:28:57.140 I go, we go out.

00:28:57.900 You know, I make a few bucks.

00:28:58.840 We buy a few things.

00:28:59.660 They wear out.

00:29:00.400 Take them to the landfill.

00:29:02.160 You know, if I'm lucky, I get a sitcom deal, movie deal.

00:29:04.600 I make a lot of money.

00:29:05.580 We just get nicer sticks, nicer things.

00:29:08.760 Vegas, Disneyland, those are our wheels to entertain ourselves.

00:29:14.100 And she goes, what are you talking?

00:29:17.000 It's our life.

00:29:18.100 Do you understand that?

00:29:19.020 We just get sticks.

00:29:20.180 They wear out.

00:29:20.760 We take them to the landfill.

00:29:21.720 And I looked at her.

00:29:23.540 I said, if this is my life, because I'm projecting 10, 15, 20 years from now, I'm checking out.

00:29:31.220 She said, you checked out years ago.

00:29:33.580 She goes, I'm looking at you now.

00:29:34.880 You're not even here.

00:29:35.500 Your head is somewhere else.

00:29:37.780 We're losing everything, and you don't care.

00:29:39.920 I go, I don't.

00:29:41.920 She goes, who says that? 0.66

00:29:43.080 I said, somebody who doesn't care.

00:29:44.240 I go, Tammy, you don't think I want to care?

00:29:45.880 I mean, honestly, you think I don't want to care?

00:29:48.980 I feel the weight of everything, but I just can't figure out why it matters.

00:29:56.580 I knew guys that offed themselves because they lost sitcom deals.

00:30:00.140 They jumped off of buildings in LA.

00:30:03.680 She says, what about us?

00:30:05.000 Can that give you?

00:30:05.740 I said, what if you get T-boned at a red light, and you're gone?

00:30:09.480 She goes, that's morbid.

00:30:10.120 I go, but it happens.

00:30:11.060 Look at the news.

00:30:11.960 Why does anything matter is all I wanted.

00:30:19.120 Anyway, I meet this guy.

00:30:20.220 He gets the tape.

00:30:21.000 So she leaves, takes the kids, gets these Bible tapes, throws them on the floor.

00:30:25.340 You're going to listen to these things, and I'm throwing them on.

00:30:27.220 I'm sick of looking at them.

00:30:27.960 As you imagine, you're a housekeeper.

00:30:30.220 You have manila envelopes everywhere with dust on them.

00:30:32.640 Yeah.

00:30:41.960 She wasn't a Christian at this point. 0.97

00:30:47.680 No, she was raised by Christians who abused her. 0.99

00:30:50.640 Okay. 0.95

00:30:51.280 And you were raised, your dad did not like Christians, right?

00:30:54.220 No, he told me at 14 there was no God.

00:30:57.000 Okay.

00:30:57.480 And his father was a pastor.

00:30:59.120 And was your dad an angry person?

00:31:00.860 Yes.

00:31:01.360 Okay.

00:31:01.860 Really?

00:31:02.100 That kind of probably influenced the kind of person that you became.

00:31:06.100 Yeah.

00:31:06.280 Like I said, conflict resolution was simple.

00:31:08.660 If I stood up for myself, I got thrown against the wall.

00:31:11.280 That was the end of the conflict.

00:31:13.060 There was no discussion.

00:31:15.040 Yeah.

00:31:15.700 So you didn't really have a model or an example.

00:31:18.060 Not at all.

00:31:18.520 For how to be married or how to be a dad.

00:31:19.940 Not at all.

00:31:20.880 Not at all.

00:31:21.100 You were just shown anger yourself.

00:31:22.560 So at this point, she just was like, listen to these tapes.

00:31:26.540 Not because she believed in God, but because she was like, I'm tired of looking at these

00:31:30.940 things.

00:31:31.240 Yeah.

00:31:32.160 Okay.

00:31:32.540 So anyway.

00:31:33.260 So they left, went to Ohio.

00:31:34.840 Right.

00:31:35.140 And you hear the saying all the time, in God's timing.

00:31:38.060 Yeah.

00:31:38.480 So anyway, this was the timing.

00:31:40.020 I'm walking by.

00:31:41.500 I'm alone.

00:31:42.480 I'm thoroughly convinced she's not coming back.

00:31:45.480 Yeah.

00:31:45.700 And she told me years later that when she got off the plane, her mother goes, you're

00:31:49.160 home now.

00:31:49.600 You don't have to go back to him.

00:31:51.760 And she was still seeing that guy occasionally.

00:31:54.520 I mean, on the road.

00:31:56.920 So anyway, I'm walking by.

00:31:58.940 And then, you know, I ended up deciding I'll open up an envelope and see what's in there.

00:32:04.420 And it was Ecclesiastes.

00:32:07.760 And my first sermon I ever listened to, I hear meaningless, meaningless.

00:32:11.180 All in life is meaningless.

00:32:12.780 And yeah, that's true.

00:32:16.340 Yeah.

00:32:16.880 That's true.

00:32:17.500 That's true.

00:32:17.920 Right.

00:32:18.240 And if you go through Ecclesiastes 1 in there, I'm not sure what the number of verse, but

00:32:23.460 it says the eyes never get enough of seeing, the ears never get enough of hearing.

00:32:27.620 And then you look at your video library, your audio library.

00:32:30.360 This was the moment for whatever reason, God chose to just turn my heart onto his word.

00:32:35.260 And I could not get enough.

00:32:37.480 I was sitting there and he said, make notes in your Bible.

00:32:42.040 So I remembered.

00:32:42.700 I put the Bible in the junk drawer.

00:32:44.560 And anybody who has a junk drawer knows when something's in, it never comes out until you

00:32:48.280 get a shed.

00:32:48.800 And that's the suburban version of a junk drawer.

00:32:51.560 So anyway, I opened it up.

00:32:52.720 I'm looking for Ecclesiastes.

00:32:53.560 I couldn't even pronounce Ecclesiastes, whatever.

00:32:55.440 And anyway, that was it.

00:32:57.620 I listened to a year and a half's worth of Bible study tapes in probably two months.

00:33:02.440 Wow.

00:33:03.240 And a lot of them, two, three times.

00:33:05.200 I had nothing to do.

00:33:06.000 I wasn't working.

00:33:07.380 And anyway, I came to Arlington to work a club and I had my boys with me.

00:33:15.060 I had gone to Ohio to pick the boys up to take them on the road with me.

00:33:18.100 I left Tammy there and we were in Arlington, Texas, and I had gone to Denton Bible to meet

00:33:25.600 Tom Nelson, the guy I'd been listening to.

00:33:29.200 And when we finished that service, my friend said to me, he goes, when I met you, God, put

00:33:35.740 it on my heart.

00:33:36.280 You were looking.

00:33:37.560 Have you found it?

00:33:38.940 And I said, if Jesus is not who he claimed to be, then Solomon was right. 1.00

00:33:44.240 Suicide.

00:33:45.060 Because Solomon's conclusions, Ecclesiastes basically says, life without God will have

00:33:49.700 no meaning.

00:33:50.840 Without meaning, there's no purpose.

00:33:52.500 Without purpose, suicide.

00:33:53.860 And that resonated with me because it was like, I've never been suicidal, but it was

00:33:58.480 like I was getting to the point where what's the point to anything?

00:34:00.660 You know, so anyway, we went back to his house and he says to me, he goes, can you admit

00:34:10.080 you're a sinner?

00:34:10.920 And I said, well, let's not go overboard.

00:34:14.240 But I've often said this, when God breaks a man, it's clear how broken he is.

00:34:20.840 When the world breaks him, they leave him on a trash heap and move on. 0.93

00:34:24.100 And mock him, humiliate him and continue to kick him.

00:34:27.460 You know, God breaks you for a reason so he can build you back up.

00:34:32.080 And I got on my knees and I said, whatever this is, it's yours.

00:34:37.400 I'm done.

00:34:38.440 I can't be a husband.

00:34:39.640 I can't be a father.

00:34:40.600 I can't barely get through a comedy show anymore.

00:34:44.340 And the next morning I wake up, I'm in the room.

00:34:48.420 And it's hard to explain outside of that.

00:34:52.960 We've all heard that lightness of being thing.

00:34:56.060 My kids were in the other room.

00:34:57.460 I had gotten up and got a breakfast and I had gone back to bed and they're watching cartoons

00:35:02.340 or something anyway.

00:35:04.260 And I wake up and I'm sitting on the end of my bed and I go, holy cow.

00:35:10.900 Something.

00:35:13.340 And I went, oh yeah, I gave my life to Jesus.

00:35:16.120 Is that what this feels like?

00:35:19.420 And I'm not, you know, I used to hear these stories and roll my eyes, but in my mind's eye,

00:35:26.060 I could see a valley and I saw these moments in my life.

00:35:32.360 And that voice was saying, I was here, I was here, I was here, I was here.

00:35:38.560 I've been just waiting.

00:35:40.800 Just wait.

00:35:41.560 And it's been an interesting journey for the last 27 years.

00:35:50.660 So that was 27 years ago that you became a Christian.

00:35:53.460 So we wrote the book.

00:35:57.060 I tell people in the audience, I know if you can get through the first six chapters of the book

00:36:01.440 without killing yourself, it's an uplifting tale.

00:36:03.160 I ask five questions that I visit monthly in my own life.

00:36:14.260 What do I value?

00:36:15.880 Or no, what defines me?

00:36:18.240 Because most men will give you a vocation.

00:36:20.020 And if your definition of yourself is a vocation, you're a victim to the circumstances of your life.

00:36:28.360 Jobs come and go.

00:36:30.240 What do you value?

00:36:32.020 If it's stuff, I don't know.

00:36:33.540 I value integrity.

00:36:34.760 I really do.

00:36:35.460 I'm not there yet, you know.

00:36:38.760 But when you integrate with what you believe with how you choose to live, so important to me.

00:36:46.880 And then what are your expectations?

00:36:49.440 I constantly tell Tammy, if you would lower your expectations of me, I would meet them and you'd be much happier.

00:36:56.200 But expectations are very important.

00:36:59.120 You know, if you're 67 years old and you want to be an astronaut, you might want to lower those.

00:37:04.620 You know, what voices do you listen to?

00:37:08.280 You know this.

00:37:08.980 We live in a very noisy culture. 1.00

00:37:11.720 Garbage in, garbage out. 0.99

00:37:14.000 So pay attention to what you're pouring in. 1.00

00:37:16.900 If it's news, pay attention.

00:37:19.380 We live in a 24-7 news cycle where the paradigm is if it bleeds, it leads.

00:37:25.780 So what could go wrong with that, pumping that into your soul seven days a week?

00:37:29.900 Right.

00:37:30.420 And then what is your hope line?

00:37:31.580 If your hope lies in the next election, I pity you.

00:37:37.300 I really do.

00:37:39.100 And John Paul Sartre, before he died, realized that his philosophy, existentialism, wasn't working.

00:37:46.400 And said, in order for something finite to have meaning, it has to be attached to something infinite and fixed.

00:37:55.280 And he would never say God, but that sure sounded like God.

00:37:58.860 And how does this inform your comedy?

00:38:14.680 How has that changed over the past 27 years?

00:38:17.120 Oh my gosh.

00:38:20.180 Tammy, at times, would come out and see me work and leave in tears.

00:38:25.600 You must hate me.

00:38:27.420 Just bitter.

00:38:28.240 And the heart changed.

00:38:34.180 That's it.

00:38:34.840 The material's probably the same.

00:38:37.180 I've always focused on my life.

00:38:40.560 You know?

00:38:41.860 But it's just a different heart.

00:38:44.200 You know?

00:38:45.100 It was very funny.

00:38:46.000 The first time I worked with Gaither, Bill Gaither, I did my set.

00:38:50.800 And then the next day I'm doing a breakout and somebody from his organization came over and said, we really loved what you did last night.

00:38:58.740 And then anybody who's been around knows you're waiting for the butt. 0.79

00:39:02.180 You know? 0.99

00:39:02.620 And he said, but you know, you really kind of hit your wife hard.

00:39:05.600 And I went, really?

00:39:07.040 I mean, again, in my head, I'm going, you have no clue.

00:39:09.160 You know, that was love.

00:39:11.980 So they said, at some point today, could you mention you love your wife in the course of your show?

00:39:16.180 And I go, sure, it's not a problem, but they don't know that?

00:39:19.180 He goes, well, you know, this is the church, not a casino.

00:39:23.520 I go, okay.

00:39:24.780 So anyway, I do my set and I'm leaving the stage and it dawns on me.

00:39:27.560 I never mentioned I love my wife.

00:39:28.980 So I turn around.

00:39:29.760 While they're applauding, I come back and I go, I have to say this.

00:39:32.840 And then God bless me with this most amazing woman, patience.

00:39:38.180 And anyway, I start crying.

00:39:40.000 I mean, it's never happened to me before.

00:39:42.620 Wow.

00:39:43.060 I walk off and Tammy looks at me and goes, what in the heck was all that?

00:39:46.520 I go, I don't know.

00:39:48.200 So from that on, I just kind of, when I work churches, I just figured, you know, I'll take some time and remind them how much I love the woman.

00:39:55.440 And she would always ask, did you go Jimmy Swagger?

00:39:58.780 Did you go Swaggered on him?

00:40:00.060 Did you start crying?

00:40:02.840 Um, and so this book, is it your first book?

00:40:08.380 Well, second, but really it's my first.

00:40:10.140 Tammy, we went through, um, the last draft I told Tammy, you need to read this and be okay with my version of what we went through.

00:40:18.360 So she read the first two chapters, put it down, came to me and said, we were horrible people.

00:40:24.240 And I said, that's the beauty of the story.

00:40:26.720 I said, Jesus changed all.

00:40:29.320 I mean, we're not those people.

00:40:30.520 As a matter of fact, Andy Andrews, a friend of mine who wrote the foreword, he got it.

00:40:34.780 He told the reader, you're going to meet two couples.

00:40:37.940 So don't give up on the second couple.

00:40:40.960 Did she become a Christian when you did?

00:40:43.300 Okay.

00:40:43.600 Well, it was funny because I came home August.

00:40:45.700 August, um, and, um, I, I, I know the date, August 17th, 96, I said, uh, it's when my life was born again.

00:40:55.760 And, um, anyway, uh, took me three weeks.

00:40:58.580 I said, I was taking the kids to church, but, but to her, it was just another one of a long list from Buddhism to new age.

00:41:05.280 It's just one more thing.

00:41:06.960 But I told her, I said, I'm a born again Christian.

00:41:09.440 She says, what does that mean?

00:41:10.660 I go, you know, honestly, I have no clue.

00:41:12.740 I go, I just heard the term.

00:41:15.420 And, uh, she says, what does that mean for us?

00:41:18.200 I go, nothing, Tammy.

00:41:19.520 I said, look, we're still working on us.

00:41:21.360 I said, this is just one more.

00:41:23.060 I said, if it's just one more thing, it'll fade away like all the rest.

00:41:27.220 Three weeks later, she said, can I come to church with you?

00:41:30.760 And then when we lost the house to, um, we barely got out before they foreclosed.

00:41:35.700 We were sitting in the escrow office and the escrow lady said, I got bad news.

00:41:40.600 The IRS has taken all of the profit from your home.

00:41:44.280 And I said, it doesn't matter.

00:41:45.900 I said, the only thing that matters is sitting at this table here.

00:41:48.980 And Tammy told me a couple of years later, she said, um, that was the first time in our

00:41:54.580 entire marriage.

00:41:55.940 I felt that we were a priority to you.

00:42:00.700 Wow.

00:42:01.780 And, um, I'm spending the rest of my life trying to make up those first eight years.

00:42:08.020 Yeah.

00:42:08.800 People really underestimate the power and the influence that a dad and a husband can have

00:42:13.480 in the family to lead them to church and to lead them to Christ.

00:42:17.140 It really can make all the difference in the world.

00:42:19.340 And then as a partner, because we pick each other up, I get lazy in my studies.

00:42:25.220 And so this, uh, we, our church just built like three blocks from our house.

00:42:30.320 So we used to, we were driving 30 minutes to church.

00:42:33.440 So they're three blocks away.

00:42:35.200 So we decided to start doing small group.

00:42:37.360 And, um, that's a growth in her because I don't know what kind of homemaker you are, but every 1.00

00:42:45.980 button in her gets tripped when people come to the house. 0.70

00:42:48.380 So it's clean, clean, clean.

00:42:49.860 It's, you know, and, uh, I normally mop the hardwood, but, uh, I told her I'm not going

00:42:55.360 to be home to mop the hardwood.

00:42:57.500 But, um, she's studying now Bible every morning, you know, again, 20 some years later, but,

00:43:05.300 you know, it's like, we're, uh, we hope to get to the finish line, you know, um, together.

00:43:12.840 We don't take it for granted.

00:43:15.440 Um, we're learning how to pray together.

00:43:18.060 It's interesting.

00:43:19.940 We've had periods where we try to pray together and it, we never had a problem having sex before

00:43:25.660 marriage, but to sit down and get intimate with God is one of the most difficult things

00:43:31.540 we have, but we know that if we pray together, we're going to be together.

00:43:37.620 We know that we know that that's what the enemy is. 0.99

00:43:42.020 Such a, an attack is ridiculous. 0.71

00:43:45.700 This is, you know, you know, and it's really hard if you've had a little minor argument 0.96

00:43:52.120 and then you're going to bed to go, let's get on the side of our bed and pray.

00:43:57.620 Yeah.

00:43:58.200 But, um.

00:43:58.980 Well, it's hard to be angry with the person that you're praying with.

00:44:01.440 And in our sin, sometimes we want to stay angry and bitter.

00:44:05.200 We want to go to sleep angry.

00:44:07.640 Right.

00:44:08.080 But scripture actually tells us be angry and do not sin.

00:44:12.180 Do not let the sun go down on your anger.

00:44:14.820 But gosh, I mean, certainly in my sinfulness, there are times I just want to hold on to my

00:44:19.680 grudge and resentment, which is why what you said is so true.

00:44:24.020 And prayer is so powerful to just kind of melt away all that bitterness.

00:44:27.600 It is 100%.

00:44:29.900 Um, we've been given a map.

00:44:35.040 If we would just pay attention to it.

00:44:38.560 Yeah.

00:44:39.040 You know, and the, and scripture to me.

00:44:44.300 Ninety nine percent of it just washes over me.

00:44:47.740 But every now and then something will happen and a verse will come to me and go, wow.

00:44:53.720 Yeah.

00:44:54.660 Wow.

00:44:55.420 Mm-hmm.

00:44:55.880 You know, I remember reading the first time, uh, from what pleasure do you get out of all

00:45:03.240 those things that you are now ashamed of?

00:45:05.980 And I thought of all those parties I went to that I thought were fun.

00:45:10.540 Mm-hmm.

00:45:11.460 And I look back and go, it's a waste of time.

00:45:13.880 Yeah.

00:45:14.240 You know, but I'm having a blast doing comedy.

00:45:18.640 Just a blast.

00:45:19.780 Good.

00:45:20.660 And what advice before, before we end, I want you to talk a little bit more about where,

00:45:25.960 you know, you can get your book and how people can find you.

00:45:28.540 But you're talking to a couple, maybe in particular, a man who was in the thick of it, where you

00:45:34.700 and your wife once were, they're thinking, this is the end of it.

00:45:38.320 It's the end of our marriage.

00:45:39.480 Maybe they're thinking this is the end of my life.

00:45:41.220 I'm never going to get it together.

00:45:43.060 I'm too far gone.

00:45:44.500 God can't forgive me.

00:45:45.900 Can't make up for what I've done in the past.

00:45:48.460 Whatever it is, they just feel like they're at the end of their rope.

00:45:51.320 What would you tell someone in that position right now?

00:45:54.900 Well, that's the ultimate lie, is that you're irredeemable.

00:45:58.740 That's the devil's playbook, that you're beyond redemption.

00:46:04.340 That's not true.

00:46:06.240 It takes work.

00:46:07.220 It takes an effort.

00:46:08.600 It takes a desire.

00:46:09.440 And I believe it begins with prayer.

00:46:13.180 Get on your knees and say, look, I can't do this.

00:46:16.440 That's where I really got and totally surrendered.

00:46:21.420 I just said, I can't do this anymore.

00:46:23.960 And then I got a really good whiff of the kind of man I'd been.

00:46:28.340 And I quit blaming everything externally.

00:46:31.680 You know, we tend to match, look for externally what we feel internally.

00:46:37.260 For instance, if you're an angry, bitter, jaded human being, and people keep asking you why

00:46:43.920 you're so angry when you have a beautiful wife, you have the job, the home, you're checking

00:46:48.920 the boxes that the world tells you matter.

00:46:52.620 And you're still at this point.

00:46:56.760 So we'll look outside of ourselves to validate it.

00:47:01.040 And politics is a wonderful, I got politics.

00:47:04.320 I just started pointing at groups of people in the political spectrum and going, they're the reason.

00:47:09.860 They're the reason.

00:47:10.400 Why am I so angry?

00:47:11.620 Them.

00:47:12.280 It's them.

00:47:12.980 And that's a lie.

00:47:14.760 That's the lie.

00:47:15.900 Anyway, you have all you need to be at peace, but it begins with humility, some sense of

00:47:26.260 humility that you are not in control of everything and you're not God and prayer.

00:47:32.200 It sounds so simple, but it's so difficult.

00:47:35.720 I said the longest journey was from standing to kneeling for me.

00:47:39.760 I wasn't getting on my knees for nothing.

00:47:42.400 Yeah.

00:47:42.720 And certainly something I made up, you know, so, uh, it's, it's not brain surgery, you

00:47:53.000 know, it really isn't difficult, but it is.

00:47:55.800 Yeah.

00:47:56.780 And it is, it's really all God's grace.

00:48:00.840 God's grace gives us the ability to go from standing to our knees.

00:48:05.620 He gives us the ability to pray.

00:48:07.660 It's the grace that saves us.

00:48:09.780 It's the grace that sanctifies us.

00:48:11.880 And yes, of course, it requires work and discipline to repent of our sin, but even that is powered

00:48:20.460 by God's grace.

00:48:21.660 Well, Paul talks about it.

00:48:22.580 You know, your old nature doesn't go away.

00:48:24.740 You just bring in a new nature, you know?

00:48:27.040 And I believe, you know, the Holy Spirit, the more I respond to that, the old nature gets

00:48:34.100 deeper, but it's still there, this war, you know?

00:48:37.860 Like the Roman seven, why do I keep doing the things that I don't want to do? 1.00

00:48:41.820 Right.

00:48:42.260 It doesn't, you know, so, and the devil isn't going away.

00:48:45.440 I mean, it sounds so cliche and trite.

00:48:47.440 I mean, even as a, you know, it's funny.

00:48:49.880 I remember saying to somebody, I'm not a big devil guy, you know, but then I had some things

00:48:54.800 happen to me that were just, I mean, outside, outside of anything, but demonic.

00:48:58.580 I mean, I couldn't explain it.

00:49:00.780 I remember Tammy looking at me and going, what was that all about?

00:49:04.520 I go, I have no idea, sweetheart.

00:49:06.060 I really don't.

00:49:07.240 I mean, this, it was just, like, again, an out of body, whatever.

00:49:14.380 So if you look around, and you do, you culturally look around, you don't see a lot of forgiveness

00:49:22.640 and grace in our culture, none, you know?

00:49:25.220 And that's, you can't remain married without the ability to forgive.

00:49:30.980 You just can't.

00:49:32.400 I mean, there has to be, I don't think any of us married saints, you know?

00:49:39.460 And she has forgiven me for plenty, and I've forgiven her for plenty.

00:49:44.560 And we're going to hang in there to the end, I hope, you know?

00:49:50.560 Yeah.

00:49:51.580 Yeah.

00:49:52.380 Well, thank you so much for your vulnerability.

00:49:54.420 My little walker.

00:49:56.060 Yeah.

00:49:56.820 Hey, got to keep going.

00:49:59.920 And so people can buy your book, Are We There Yet, wherever books are sold?

00:50:03.840 Everyone.

00:50:04.040 Well, Amazon.

00:50:04.920 You can go to my website and order, and I'll sign it then.

00:50:07.140 But you have to be patient, because I do the shipping.

00:50:10.160 Okay.

00:50:10.660 So if I'm out of town for two weeks, it's going to take a while.

00:50:13.600 Okay.

00:50:14.280 Okay.

00:50:14.540 Well, thank you so much.

00:50:15.780 And you're on Instagram, and you've got your, you've got a website, correct?

00:50:20.700 Oh, absolutely.

00:50:21.340 Just change it.

00:50:22.260 Brand new.

00:50:23.740 JeffAllenComedy.com.

00:50:24.840 Great.

00:50:25.160 And people can find your schedule and everything there.

00:50:27.780 Absolutely.

00:50:28.300 I am out and about.

00:50:29.620 That's awesome.

00:50:30.280 Well, thank you so much.

00:50:31.200 I really appreciate it.

00:50:32.180 Thank you.

00:50:32.580 Thank you.

00:50:33.020 Thank you.

00:50:33.720 Thank you.

00:50:34.520 Thank you.

00:50:34.560 Thank you.

00:50:35.000 Thank you.

00:50:35.540 Thank you.

00:50:35.640 Thank you.

00:50:35.740 Thank you.

00:50:36.780 Thank you.

00:50:37.880 Thank you.

00:50:38.740 Thank you.

00:50:38.820 Thank you.

00:50:38.900 Thank you.

00:50:39.120 Thank you.

00:50:39.180 Thank you.

00:50:40.000 Thank you.

Relatable with Allie Beth Stuckey - February 26, 2024

Ep 957 ｜ How the Gospel Heals Anger, Addiction & Adultery ｜ Guest： Jeff Allen

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