Relatable with Allie Beth Stuckey - REPLAY： Getting Sober, Fighting Culture Wars & Becoming a Mom ｜ Guest： Bridget Phetasy

00:00:00.000 Hey guys, welcome to Relatable. Today I am talking to Bridget Phetasy. She is a comedian, 0.97

00:00:15.260 she is a writer, she is a podcaster, she is an interesting, down-to-earth, very unique person,

00:00:22.800 and I'm so excited to hear your perspective. She has kind of become a political, cultural

00:00:28.020 commentator over the past few years, but she's just got a very interesting life story. Now,

00:00:33.660 this is going to be a little bit different of a conversation. We're not on the same page on

00:00:38.600 a variety of issues. On a lot of important issues we are, but we have a different theological,

00:00:44.000 religious perspective. We've got different perspectives on social issues, on cultural

00:00:48.700 issues, probably even quite a few political issues. But I just love her. I love talking to her. I know

00:00:55.620 that you're going to be encouraged by her story. We're going to talk about addiction. We're going

00:01:00.620 to talk about sobriety. We're going to talk about God and marriage and starting a family and all of

00:01:07.600 that stuff. I wouldn't maybe listen to this conversation with kids around. There are some

00:01:12.900 things that you're maybe not used to hearing on Relatable, but I know you're going to love

00:01:17.920 this conversation. Without further ado, here is Bridget. Bridget, thank you so much for joining

00:01:28.560 us. Thank you for having me. Yes. Can you tell everyone who may not know who you are and what

00:01:32.280 you do? Yes. My name is Bridget Phetasy, and I am a writer, comedian, and I have a podcast and a

00:01:39.320 YouTube show. The podcast is called Lockton's Welcome, and the YouTube show is called Dumpster

00:01:43.380 Fire. I'm just a wife and human. You're a human. Tell me why your YouTube show is called Dumpster 1.00

00:01:52.820 Fire. Dumpster Fire evolved. I had been wanting to do it for a while, but I luckily have a producing

00:01:59.600 partner, my cousin, who always dials me, will put a little bit of hold on things, projects that I'm

00:02:06.980 ready to go on. We were getting the podcast started and had to get that plate spinning, and then

00:02:13.700 the podcast is much more thoughtful. It's like one-on-one interviews. You've been on it, and

00:02:19.460 it's not always serious. I often have comedians, and it's fun, but it's definitely more soulful,

00:02:28.680 I think. Dumpster Fire, it was in 20, I think it was leading up to 2019. I guess we just celebrated

00:02:39.200 two years. Two years ago, I always felt like people were misinterpreting my tweets in particular

00:02:46.520 just because I would be kind of snarky or sarcastic, and people would take it seriously.

00:02:51.740 I'm like, I wish people could hear this tone, and I had been wanting to do just a show making fun of

00:02:57.460 like the insanity of everything, and we were leading into the 2020 election, and it was just

00:03:02.120 so crazy, and I needed a place to put all that crazy, and so we started Dumpster Fire in my garage,

00:03:09.480 basically, just as a way for me to be like, blah, very different than Walk-In's Welcome, and that's-

00:03:16.800 Just about like politics, culture, life, anything?

00:03:19.200 Politics, culture, anything. I mean, we make fun of ourselves. Our whole kind of mantra is that we'll

00:03:25.940 make burgers out of your sacred cows. That's just like our whole thing, and it could be anything.

00:03:30.920 I mean, we were making fun of Russell Brand barely, like just teasing him, and I was, our audience was

00:03:37.100 so mad, and I was like, oh, you didn't think that was, that when we said your sacred cows, you didn't

00:03:42.840 realize that it meant you, too. So we just have fun, and it's my cousin and my former roommate, and

00:03:50.760 they're on the other side of the camera, so there's a lot of banter. People always joke and say,

00:03:56.320 it's one of the meaner comments, I guess, was if I wanted to feel like I was standing at a

00:04:03.060 waitress station, I would go back to work in the restaurant industry, and I was like, I'm doing my

00:04:08.660 job, if that's what this feels like. I wanted to just feel very, it's very kind of populist, I think.

00:04:14.400 We make fun of like the olds and the poors, and we just are irreverent. 1.00

00:04:19.080 Yeah, and you are not necessarily a conservative, or do you consider yourself a conservative?

00:04:26.260 No, I don't think, I think socially, I still don't share a lot of the values, and I come from being

00:04:34.120 very much a liberal, although I don't necessarily share a lot of the social values there,

00:04:40.560 the more extreme ones lately, and so I think like many people, I would call myself politically

00:04:48.320 homeless. I'm a registered independent now. I know that that means nothing, and seems kind of

00:04:53.820 wishy-washy, but I just can't, I don't feel like I belong really anywhere.

00:04:59.500 And you used to be a Democrat, though? You used to be a registered Democrat, and then how did that

00:05:03.920 evolve? Why are you now an independent?

00:05:05.440 In 2015, it really started, I think a lot of it had to do with getting sober. I got sober in 2013,

00:05:13.760 and just started writing for Playboy in 2015, and stumbled into the culture wars, knowing nothing

00:05:22.300 about the culture wars, by the way. I was not, I didn't go to college. I had been waiting tables,

00:05:27.940 and drinking, and just trying to be a writer, but mostly trying to do fiction and comedy in LA,

00:05:32.960 and do like scripted fictions, and wasn't on Twitter, wasn't on any kind of, I just wasn't

00:05:41.260 involved. And when I started writing for Playboy, you have to, I started doing Twitter in 2013 when

00:05:47.840 I got sober, because I needed something to do with my lots of excess time, and it became my new drug

00:05:53.760 of choice. And I stumbled into the comedy and writers, and I was like, oh, these are my people,

00:05:59.320 the writers, and I suddenly understood what you could do with Twitter as a comedian or a writer.

00:06:05.920 It was like the family guy writers, and they were so funny. And I didn't even know political

00:06:12.000 Twitter existed. I was just operating in a completely separate space. And then I started

00:06:17.520 writing for Playboy, because it was more social stuff and commentary on, I mean, I really was like

00:06:24.340 a chick from the, you know, from the Maxim years, who stumbled into this kind of fourth wave feminism 1.00

00:06:31.740 of online, very online millennials. And I did not know, I thought I would get very

00:06:39.720 criticized by the right. And I did. But I had no idea how much I would get from the left for saying

00:06:47.700 things like real man. And I didn't know that.

00:06:49.920 So why were you criticized by people on the right? Like, what were some of the things that

00:06:53.900 you were talking about?

00:06:54.740 Oh, I mean, I was like showing my boobs online and just being just a lot of being feminist. 0.99

00:07:00.760 Like, this is the downfall of society is women like you. And so you saw yourself as like genuine 1.00

00:07:09.820 girl power, female empowerment type feminist. And but I didn't even see myself as a feminist.

00:07:17.180 Yeah, that's what's funny. You were just saying what you I was just being like, yeah, I was having

00:07:22.320 fun. And I was being I did feel I did rage against a lot of the double standards that I felt like

00:07:28.060 existed between men and women. And I was very behind the like, free your nipple, free the nipple. And 0.97

00:07:35.240 I just also am kind of a I think I was working through a lot of stuff to just working through a

00:07:45.460 lot. I was raised Catholic, very Catholic. So I had a lot of guilt around sexuality. I was raped when

00:07:52.240 I was 17. So I had a lot of trauma. I was I just was a hyper sexual, hyper active slut for many years. 0.79

00:08:05.220 And proud proudly, obviously, at the time and felt like I could kind of heal myself through 0.98

00:08:14.700 permit promiscuity. Fun fact, that didn't turn out to be the case. Yeah. But I really kind of

00:08:21.940 there's a whole system that supported a lot of that that mentality. Yeah. And I also think that I

00:08:29.960 really what I've really come to terms with is that I think because I was dating such

00:08:36.840 D bags and I was not choosing the best men, obviously, not putting myself in great situations.

00:08:45.480 I was still partying and drinking and I was in cities and men have many options in cities. And

00:08:52.500 I was choosing always the kind of player guys because I like the challenge. And I just told

00:08:59.960 myself that I would be single forever, that I didn't want kids. And a big part of me because of

00:09:05.940 my history just felt worthless and like I didn't deserve love or any of that. If I dig under a lot of

00:09:14.120 the kind of lies I was telling myself on top. So I think with a lot of that was playing out. But I

00:09:21.200 was also writing to men at a time when men were really on the defense, which it was a weird time

00:09:28.220 to be writing for men in 2015. And I was like, guys, girl, I didn't. I wasn't like one of those

00:09:34.800 people who was I wasn't feminist and I wasn't anti man. And I didn't feel like the patriarchy was

00:09:39.940 holding me down. And so it was interesting to be writing for all these men at a time when they

00:09:46.160 were so so much on the defense. And I felt like people who are screaming toxic masculinity and

00:09:51.780 telling men to get in touch with their feelings were also telling them to sit down and shut up.

00:09:55.460 And there was a lot of paradox around that. Yeah. And that's when I started getting attacked from

00:10:00.120 the left was just for being internalizing misogyny. Misogyny. Yeah. So on the one hand,

00:10:07.960 conservatives are criticizing you for maybe being too libertine or being what they saw as some kind 0.99

00:10:15.640 of radical feminist who was showing your boobs online. And then people on the left were mad 1.00

00:10:21.200 because that because you weren't mad enough at men and you weren't demonizing men enough. So that's 0.56

00:10:26.860 kind of how you found yourself in the middle and in the middle of culture wars without even really

00:10:31.460 trying to be in the middle. No, not at all. I mean, I was learning terms faster than I could even I

00:10:36.300 didn't know anything. I knew nothing. And then what started happening was 2015 was right around

00:10:42.940 the rise of Trump. Yeah. And everyone kind of started losing their mind. But all these feminists 1.00

00:10:48.020 were criticizing Ivanka and Melania. And I was like, guys, I thought we were supposed to just not be

00:10:53.660 criticizing a woman for her looks or whatever she was wearing. And I was seeing so much hypocrisy. 0.67

00:10:58.980 And that was frustrating to me. I'm like, let's criticize their ideas like we've been talking

00:11:04.800 about or you've been talking about. And and I was starting to through writing to all these men. And

00:11:13.340 it was really when I started listening to a lot of their own struggles. And I always kind of had this

00:11:22.280 idea that men just had it easier. And hearing what they had gone through with things like erectile

00:11:27.280 dysfunction, balding, all of these problems that men deal with, not feeling like they can show their

00:11:32.940 emotions or cry. And having men write me these long essays telling me how they were feeling about

00:11:38.980 different aspects of their emotional landscape was really eye opening to me. And but also because of

00:11:47.880 the kind of red blooded American male that I was speaking to and hearing from, I was exposed to a more

00:11:54.660 center right conservative man. And they were writing to you as you were writing for a playboy or just

00:12:01.800 because they found you on Twitter? No, they were writing to me because I would say have an idea

00:12:06.380 for a topic. And on Twitter, I'd say, hey, guys, I'm writing a piece about balding. Send me an email

00:12:11.420 to blah, blah, blah. And I would get these long essays from men about their experience. And they were

00:12:18.060 moving. I would be crying. Were you talking about just how hard it is?

00:12:21.280 Yeah. I mean, the grief, really. That's what I really realized reading all of these emails was

00:12:27.100 that there is a profound sense of loss, almost like you experience when you lose someone you love.

00:12:32.840 It is a grieving process because you're you're grieving this death of a part of you. And they it was just

00:12:41.560 fascinating. And then I would go into a lot of the research about it and different studies. And

00:12:46.400 so I was still mouthing off on Twitter at the time. And I think the first time that I really realized

00:12:54.300 how I mean, I always I never really thought I knew much, but I was a very mouthy kind of liberal just

00:12:59.900 thinking that I knew all the things like I was in the right. And there was a school shooting. I don't

00:13:05.840 remember which one, sadly. And I was mouthing off about it. And then my audience, which had been

00:13:14.140 I'd been cultivating through Playboy, they pushed back and I was like, whoa, I read some of the

00:13:21.180 comments and they were very thoughtful. They were just like, this isn't blah, blah, blah. So I had

00:13:25.180 them write me essays about how what what their opinion was on. So you had said something about

00:13:30.300 it being about guns or something. I said something like we need to take something very just and when

00:13:35.740 I when they were commenting, I stopped and I was like, I don't know anything about guns. Yeah, I don't

00:13:41.480 know how to hold a gun. I couldn't load one at the time. You couldn't tell I couldn't tell

00:13:45.640 you what a single gun law in California is. I don't know what you have to do. I know nothing

00:13:50.140 about this. And I'm mouthing off about it. And that was really the beginning of recognizing

00:13:57.220 how absolutely nothing I I knew nothing about anything. And as that process started, I just

00:14:06.740 started getting curious. And I wasn't somebody who was paying attention to politics. I didn't.

00:14:12.640 I just had my head down. I was working trying to get through the day. I think many Americans

00:14:17.840 got pulled off of the kind of apolitical sidelines in the past five, six years for similar reasons.

00:14:24.280 They just were forced into it, whether it was like they got kicked out of a mommy group for

00:14:28.400 saying something or they stepped over lines they didn't know existed. And that's when I

00:14:34.720 really stumbled. So I wrote some then I started writing more political things, not political,

00:14:41.240 just cultural things. I wrote a piece for Playboy, which I was shocked they let me write

00:14:47.060 called. It was all about like the silver lining of of like the Trump if he won, but I posted

00:14:55.720 that on inauguration day. And it was just not good. Like people are ready for some positive. Yeah,

00:15:05.400 here's some positive things. And that was like the height of people's anger. Because that was

00:15:08.900 also like that crazy women's march to all that. So people were just not they didn't have the

00:15:15.680 appetite for like 600, I think 800 followers immediately right after posting. Yeah. And I

00:15:23.820 started that's when people started calling me kind of a right wing. Did you vote for Trump

00:15:27.880 in 2016? No, I voted for Hillary. Yeah, I was like, I and it was I voted for her for the worst

00:15:35.320 lamest reasons. I didn't like her. I just wanted to be able to say to my niece that I voted for Hillary 1.00

00:15:41.540 like that I voted for the first female president. If she won, not even really thinking like my my

00:15:48.460 brother and his family, like they're not exactly like. Yeah, Hillary supporters. Yeah,

00:15:54.280 probably. I'm like, why? Yeah, why'd you do that for me? I didn't ask you to. And also like you're

00:15:59.360 an idiot. Wow, you shouldn't admit that. But okay, so that was your reason, though. In 2016, 1.00

00:16:06.880 you published that 2017 beginning inauguration. And then would you say that you evolved even more

00:16:13.960 like while Trump was president? Or did you kind of stay in that messy middle of being like, well,

00:16:18.740 I still don't like what Trump is saying or doing over here. But also, the left is kind of crazy. 0.96

00:16:23.540 Like, how did you navigate the Trump years? Not great. I mean, I did I navigated them,

00:16:28.480 but I never liked him, his character. Yeah, somebody sent me something leading up to 2020 that really

00:16:34.600 stuck with me. They said, I could never vote for Trump, even though I like him, but I like his

00:16:41.260 policies or, or even just not like, leaving us alone for the most part. And support that I could

00:16:48.780 never vote for him and look, look myself in the mirror and tell myself that character mattered.

00:16:54.180 And that was something that resonated with me, because I felt even though I didn't vote,

00:16:59.540 I didn't vote for Biden or Trump for the in 2020. I just didn't I abstained from voting for president,

00:17:04.820 because I just don't want to be bullied into voting either. And everybody was bullying me on

00:17:10.000 both sides. You know, they're like, you're just not you're not I'm like, I'm in California,

00:17:14.180 my vote doesn't matter. B, I don't, you can't bully me into voting either way. I hate that.

00:17:22.600 So I just felt I saw it was hard, though, to navigate because not knowing anything,

00:17:29.360 not having like a poli sci degree, not following politics other than left wing talking points and

00:17:35.240 NPR. I just wrote an essay about how that NPR was like my personality. And because I was

00:17:39.700 in primarily left wing environments, I was never challenged. And I just thought I was

00:17:45.060 right. And everybody agreed with me. Yeah. And I didn't really have to think things through. I was

00:17:50.820 lucky to have people who would push back. But that was really those kind of messy years were when I

00:17:58.840 relied on. I mean, weirdly, I had to kind of rely on never Trumpers because they were the people who

00:18:07.020 were pushing back against Trump from the conservative side. And but some of them were

00:18:12.460 reasonable enough to I it was hard to figure out is this something every president has done

00:18:17.700 that's being completely blown out of proportion because it's Trump? Or is this something really

00:18:22.300 unprecedented, truly unprecedented, because it's Trump. And so navigating that was hard and trying

00:18:28.420 to stay balanced and just figure out like, is this unprecedented? Or is this just a normal thing

00:18:35.320 that's being? Yeah, yeah, that was that was tough. But then I kind of I started doing right wing media

00:18:42.100 because they were the only people who would talk to me. Yeah, I really wanted to talk to the left and

00:18:46.280 be like, you guys should care about the fact that you're pushing people like me away. And why do you

00:18:51.580 think it is like, why do you think that the right seems to now be more welcoming of heterodox views like

00:18:59.000 you coming on my show? I'm a conservative evangelical. We probably disagree on a lot of things. We know we

00:19:04.200 disagree on a lot of things. But maybe someone on the left wouldn't welcome you on their show because

00:19:09.960 you are too heterodox or you're just not quite in line with what they deem acceptable. Yeah, I'm not

00:19:16.720 sure. I think the things that you and I agree on are basic first principles like freedom of speech and

00:19:24.800 the ability to have a conversation and the ability to disagree and the ability to maintain your own

00:19:34.160 opinion and debate these things vigorously. And that is something that the left has seemed to

00:19:41.960 they've lost that completely, where if you they don't want to hear dissent, they want to shut it down. They

00:19:50.900 don't want to hear people who might be pushing back. It's I just felt like I was a kind of repeat customer at a

00:19:59.680 bar that got taken for granted. And then there were all these like new hipsters and they started catering to

00:20:05.720 them and they stopped serving, you know, like Bud Light or whatever. And, and I've had to find new bar. Yeah, and

00:20:12.520 they didn't really want me there anyways anymore. So I got called a lot of names, obviously, like a reactionary. And

00:20:22.480 I also really I was in comedy at the time. So I was seeing it in the sex area where there was this weird

00:20:29.480 kind of puritanism coming from the left around sex and gender and a lot of wanting to like the police of

00:20:38.760 policing of bodies that I felt was strange coming from what I thought was a kind of free spirited party.

00:20:46.400 And then like, what do you mean by that? What do you mean by like the policing of bodies from the

00:20:50.720 left, just the talking about what you the, the

00:20:56.600 the way you're allowed to talk about bodies or not allowed to talk about bodies, the like weird stuff

00:21:06.820 that was coming down around women like the birthing persons and people with uteruses, which to me sounds 0.79

00:21:14.720 like the language of a serial killer. Yeah, or the way misogynist my talk. It was very strange. I didn't know how to get my mind around it. I certainly was like, many Americans and didn't know I wasn't very online and didn't know all the lingo and pronouns and babies and a lot of this stuff. And I really realized some part of me was like, maybe I'm just old. And I'm like, get off my lawn. I felt like an old person. And I'm like, maybe I'm just old. And maybe it is that old.

00:21:44.700 Saying that if you're a liberal in your 20s, whatever it is, like the the one where it's like, if you're Yeah, if you're like, if you're a liberal, before you're 40, you have no brain, if you're a liberal, or if you're conservative, before you're 40, you have no heart. Yeah, something like that. Or like, if something like that, you're supposed to be old and conservative, right? And perhaps, perhaps, that happens naturally with many people where they get older, and they realize that a lot of those

00:22:14.680 idealistic values that they had when they were young, in real life, practicality, aren't quite as realistic as they might have seemed when you're 20. And you're like, woo, yeah.

00:22:29.680 But I also do think that the left just went super far left. So there's a lot of language around sexuality in the body. And it just seemed like they were having less sex than ever before, too, which was strange. And then there's like this, all this talk about there's this weird anti natalism. Now, this is a thing that's been really coming up all the time lately, which I'm I think is kind of dangerous. And I and I was also,

00:22:59.660 through sobriety and therapy, and a lot of work, coming to terms with a lot of the lies that I was telling myself about sex and love, and a lot of the stuff that I bought into, which wasn't really leaving me feeling great about myself at all. And so, yeah, it was like, I felt like I was growing up in public, because then I started doing media just to talk about a lot of this stuff. And

00:23:29.660 because they were the only people who wanted to talk to me, I got labeled like, you know, that classic, like grifter or right wing, right wing reactionary and Nazi and carrying water for Nazis and white supremacists. I mean, all that good stuff. Yeah, yeah. So the anti natalism, I want to talk to you about that. And I did I heard something interesting from someone who, you know, she labels herself like a progressive Christian, like we could not 0.94

00:23:59.640 disagree on more things, even though she calls herself Christian, we probably disagree on more things than you and I do, because she's so far left on so many things. But one thing that she said that I thought was interesting that she posted on Instagram was that she only, she tends to only see people on her side of the political aisle on the left side of the political aisle be so blatantly sometimes anti children.

00:24:18.640 Children doesn't mean that everyone on the left is but when she sees that just anti child rhetoric, like she was actually talking about a specific take talk video, where someone was like, F them kids, like, I don't feel bad. You know, when people are mean, it gets whatever. And she made a good point. She was like, you know, children are super marginalized in the world. Why is it only that people on the left seem to be so comfortable with being blatantly anti children?

00:24:48.640 Even knowing that? Even knowing that, of course, most leftists don't feel that way, hopefully, about kids. But you do see that just kind of like ugliness about kids and childbirth from progressive sometimes. Yeah, it's disturbing to me.

00:24:58.580 Yeah, it's weird. I think I would say for me, it was a lot of self deception. I didn't have like anti kids thing. I always loved kids. And I'm the oldest of five. But I was like, I'm not going to have kids. It's just not for me. But it was more.

00:25:12.840 It was one part selfishness. Other part, I really realized now looking back that I wanted a family, not just a kid. And so because I wasn't dating good men, and I didn't have somebody that I loved, kids weren't even an option. Because I wasn't just looking for a kid. I was looking for like the whole thing. I wanted I didn't want to raise a kid without a dad. And it's totally possible to do it. But I just I come from divorce.

00:25:42.780 And I didn't want to have to put a child through that if I could avoid it by marrying somebody that I kind of knew I wasn't really in love with just to have a kid. And I never really was into the idea of just having a child for the sake of having a child, although I completely understand why a woman would want to. 1.00

00:26:01.640 And I just told myself I didn't want kids. It was easier for me to just tell myself I didn't want kids and confront all of that, that I wasn't dating the right men, that I wasn't in love, that I didn't feel like I deserved love or kids, because of my slutty past and because of choices that I had made and addiction and all kinds of things that I didn't think I'd be a good mom. I mean, so much.

00:26:28.640 So those were some of the fears and the lies that you were believing that you think were being masked by you just telling yourself, well, I just don't I just don't want kids.

00:26:39.420 Yeah. And also just and maybe even going over the top and being like, you know, that's.

00:26:47.560 Those are just for like the breeders, you know, and I don't need to do that. And I can just be a single woman and crush it. And so that was my experience of it. I'm not sure what's going on with this next generation down.

00:27:05.900 And it seems like. And I say there is an element of selfishness, too, because how is I going to pay for a kid? I was a waitress who was still trying to get by.

00:27:14.980 So it's amazing, really, like a lot. The lies that we do tell ourselves to just justify a lot of.

00:27:23.740 The situation we might find ourself in decisions we're making that might not be great and also just my circumstances that I didn't feel like were great for bringing a child into the world.

00:27:37.220 But also, I just want to like party and have fun and travel. And I would have rather done that than have to be responsible for another life.

00:27:46.220 And it was easy to say something. I think there I'm I'm pretty sure there must have been in my 20s.

00:27:55.980 I'm sure if I find my journals, I know I was very worried about the environment and I'm sure I had that.

00:28:04.100 Like, what's the point of bringing a kid into the world?

00:28:08.720 I can just live. And it's like justifying my own selfish desires.

00:28:14.760 By making it seem selfless, though.

00:28:16.100 By making it seem political. Exactly. Like cool and selfless.

00:28:19.740 I'm doing something for the world by not having a child and just traveling and doing the things.

00:28:23.360 Right. When it really is like the prime act, I think, of getting out of yourself.

00:28:28.340 But yeah, I mean, I've been through a lot of those. They're very basic evolutions.

00:28:33.280 I see a lot of people go through them. How did you meet and when did you meet your husband?

00:28:39.280 So we met in recovery, which is great because we share a lot of those values.

00:28:43.780 But when we met, he was very early to sobriety.

00:28:48.260 This was in 2017. And I had about four years of sobriety.

00:28:53.480 He had like 90 days. Oh, wow. Really new.

00:28:56.380 Really new. And it's like a no no to date somebody who's new when you have time.

00:29:00.480 It's just not. And I knew what that first year or two was like for me and how much I needed to be single and have that time alone to all this stuff is coming up.

00:29:09.300 Like all your trauma, all your resentments, all your baggage, all the stuff you've just been throwing in the back.

00:29:14.720 They say that getting sober is like driving 100 miles an hour for mile, 100 million miles and throwing all the garbage in the backseat.

00:29:21.960 And then you slam on the brakes when you get sober and all the garbage comes forward.

00:29:25.740 You still have to. So you still have to deal with all of the garbage. 0.96

00:29:28.820 It didn't actually just leave. You're trying to get away from it.

00:29:32.220 Right. Is that the like the metaphor?

00:29:34.140 Well, you're just like throwing it in your backseat and then you get sober and it's like slamming on the brakes and it all comes forward.

00:29:39.840 And now you're just sitting in all of your garbage that you've been just throwing behind you, hoping you didn't have to think about it.

00:29:47.300 OK, so the driving 100 miles an hour was just drinking.

00:29:51.580 Yeah, that was the drinking and the drugs. And the sobriety is the stopping.

00:29:54.700 Yeah. And you have to deal with all of the trash. 0.76

00:29:56.700 So there's in sobriety. There's I know that we're talking about how you met your husband, but just to take a little detour.

00:30:02.100 So in sobriety, there's no way to not deal with the garbage that you've been driving with.

00:30:08.060 Like, is that part of the recovery process is working through all of the garbage that's in the trunk?

00:30:12.220 I think it's inevitable that it comes up. I'm sure you could find ways to avoid it.

00:30:17.480 And they say it's like peeling an onion. And in my experience, that has been the case.

00:30:22.260 You're only dealing with as much as you can, because if you deal with too much, often it will drive you out.

00:30:29.120 You know, you don't want to deal with like overwhelming.

00:30:31.140 Yeah, it can be really overwhelming if you're suddenly, you know, dealing with like dark trauma that in day 30 of being sober, it's it's too much.

00:30:44.900 So I was. Yeah. And just the process of going through the 12 steps takes you through all that garbage.

00:30:52.680 Like when you do a fourth step, it is literally an inventory of all your garbage.

00:30:58.120 It's everyone, every fear you have, all of your resentments, every single person, place, thing, institution that you have a resentment for can go all the way back to kindergarten if you need to.

00:31:09.000 And then you write, you know, what instincts is that affecting like your pride, self esteem, sex life, money, and your and then most important column is the what is your part in that.

00:31:23.160 So you're really looking and you're really looking through all of that stuff and taking responsibility, taking responsibility for it.

00:31:31.680 And this is after doing, you know, turning it over to some kind of higher power.

00:31:37.640 Many people come into sobriety not having any sense of higher power or anything.

00:31:44.380 So it could be the group of of the 12 step group, something bigger than you, something something.

00:31:51.020 Yeah. And for you, this is back in 2013, right?

00:31:54.080 Yeah.

00:31:55.160 OK, let's see. I'm trying to decide if I want to go to the higher power direction or the husband direction.

00:31:59.520 All right. Let's. OK, so that was 2013 for you.

00:32:02.460 And then what does it look like in between 2013 and 2017 when you met your husband?

00:32:06.920 Like, what is recovery long term look like?

00:32:09.900 Oh, it's so hard. It's really a miracle anyone does it.

00:32:13.660 And I tip my hat to anyone who does because it's just a slog.

00:32:17.600 I mean, it wasn't pretty for me the first two years.

00:32:21.560 And I was working. I was kind of this classic.

00:32:24.680 I worked in a really strong program the first year.

00:32:27.540 I threw myself into it. I went to meet.

00:32:29.180 I had nothing to do in the beginning.

00:32:30.740 I was waiting for this other waitressing job to start. 1.00

00:32:33.620 So I was going to like three meetings a day just to stay sober.

00:32:36.500 You have so much time suddenly that you didn't know you had.

00:32:40.320 And you're still working as a writer.

00:32:42.300 I was not even I was waitressing.

00:32:44.800 So I hadn't even started.

00:32:46.140 I'd always wanted to be a writer, but I was never getting paid to be a writer until 2015.

00:32:50.900 Yeah.

00:32:51.500 So I just was slogging through it and doing comedy still.

00:32:56.540 And I was like stand up.

00:32:58.640 Yeah. That was one of the other places that just as a quick detour

00:33:03.540 where I was seeing a lot of censorship and it was another one of the areas where I felt

00:33:09.380 like I was being pushed out of the left was I was seeing in the comedy world and even in myself.

00:33:14.360 So I was still doing comedy during this time and I was still waiting tables and just trying

00:33:22.000 to be put one foot in front of the other, doing the working the steps, meditating was a big part

00:33:29.060 of my early sobriety.

00:33:30.460 Thank goodness for this one meeting.

00:33:32.240 And then trying to heal my relationship to some kind of higher power, which had been damaged.

00:33:39.980 Yeah.

00:33:40.540 Over the years.

00:33:41.860 And because you were raised Catholic.

00:33:43.180 And then when did you say, okay, I'm not Catholic.

00:33:46.840 Or was it just kind of like a process?

00:33:47.860 It just fell.

00:33:49.260 Yeah.

00:33:49.580 It just kind of fell by the wayside.

00:33:51.140 I always joked I was a recovering Catholic.

00:33:53.060 There was just so much guilt around sex and I felt like it was so fear-based.

00:33:59.920 And I think I just moved away from it and became more of like a hippie.

00:34:03.960 Yeah.

00:34:04.220 And I was a big stoner.

00:34:05.020 I drank a lot, but I was like a huge stoner and I did yoga.

00:34:08.800 So I was very into like the woo.

00:34:10.620 Um, so my, my higher power for many years was like the, the, it was like a buffet from

00:34:18.740 all of that.

00:34:19.360 A lot of the new age stuff, a lot of, um, like the great spirit, you know, like nature

00:34:27.080 was a big one for me.

00:34:28.620 Yeah.

00:34:29.140 And do you still think that's how you kind of identify spiritually?

00:34:32.920 Um, I think I'm more, uh, like, I'm more, uh, like, I'm more, I'm more, I'm more,

00:34:40.620 I have a, uh, interesting relationship with God now, but, and my husband and I both struggle

00:34:47.760 with this because he and I are both very skeptical in general and we'll laugh at how like one,

00:34:54.380 because our relationship alone is like, it's crazy actually.

00:34:59.800 The story is crazy.

00:35:00.860 We, we met, it was in 2017.

00:35:04.740 When we met, it was Valentine's day and the night before Valentine's day.

00:35:08.560 And it was called the sad part.

00:35:09.880 I called it the sad party.

00:35:11.280 It wasn't called the sad party.

00:35:12.360 I was calling it that.

00:35:13.480 I was like, I'm going to the sad party.

00:35:15.440 And it was to hopefully meet him.

00:35:17.900 Uh, cause he had been in meetings and I was kind of hoping to see him, which apparently

00:35:21.400 is the only reason that he went and we were talking and he just asked me like such an

00:35:26.880 insightful question that not even my therapist had ever asked me, which was what was the quality

00:35:31.840 of my emotional landscape?

00:35:33.220 I mean, this is why I was a therapist.

00:35:34.740 Yeah.

00:35:34.920 What was the quality of my emotional landscape before I even started drinking?

00:35:40.300 And I'd never even been thought about it.

00:35:42.280 And I was like, well, fear.

00:35:43.680 I was just always in fear.

00:35:45.680 And then when I was leaving, we just kind of shook hands or touched hands.

00:35:50.660 And there was this like electric pulse that went into my heart.

00:35:54.240 I mean, I was letting my hand kind of drag behind me and it was like something shot into

00:35:59.140 my heart and I turned around and I was like, what the hell was that?

00:36:02.580 It was so weird.

00:36:03.840 And then we, I got his number.

00:36:05.360 We talked all night.

00:36:06.600 We got breakfast the next morning on Valentine's day.

00:36:09.200 And I was like, I can't do this.

00:36:11.020 You're, you're 90 days.

00:36:12.580 I feel horrible.

00:36:14.060 We can't do this.

00:36:15.140 It's just not, but we could not stop ourselves.

00:36:17.420 And then you just knew, did you feel like you just knew at the time?

00:36:21.320 But I'd also been through relationships with crazy people when there was that spark right

00:36:26.900 away where it just fizzled out.

00:36:28.640 So I didn't necessarily trust it.

00:36:30.580 Yeah.

00:36:31.420 And we, I was like, well, I'm going to mass.

00:36:36.340 I was going to, it was, um, kind of-

00:36:39.960 So you were still, you were kind of still Catholic?

00:36:41.960 I still go to church.

00:36:42.800 You still go to mass today?

00:36:44.280 Yeah.

00:36:44.880 I still sometimes, it's not like I go religiously, but I still go.

00:36:49.280 And it was, um, uh, it was when the Parkland shooting was.

00:36:53.840 What was the, um, why am I just having a brain fart?

00:36:58.520 Um, uh, the one where you get the cross on your head.

00:37:02.940 Oh my gosh.

00:37:04.120 I'm not Catholic.

00:37:05.000 I know.

00:37:05.500 I'm just blanking.

00:37:06.820 You're not talking about Ash Wednesday, are you?

00:37:08.820 Ash Wednesday.

00:37:08.980 Thank you.

00:37:09.280 Okay.

00:37:10.040 Thank you.

00:37:10.580 I'm just pregnant brain. 1.00

00:37:12.160 Um, yeah.

00:37:13.100 So it was Ash Wednesday and we, and we, I was like, want to go to mass with me?

00:37:18.880 And he's like, sure.

00:37:20.260 So our first day-

00:37:20.960 So he wasn't Catholic though, but he was just like, okay, I want to spend 0.96

00:37:23.840 time with this girl.

00:37:24.400 Yeah.

00:37:24.480 He was like, that's kind of cool.

00:37:25.940 Yeah.

00:37:26.420 Um, and you know, we were in the program, talk a lot about God and think about it.

00:37:31.060 And, and so we went and we walked in and the guy who was like organizing where you

00:37:37.260 sit, he was like, Hey, can you two walk down the aisle and bring the Eucharist and the

00:37:41.280 wine?

00:37:41.960 And so the first date we ever had was in church and we walked down the aisle together.

00:37:46.260 Oh my gosh.

00:37:47.200 It's poetic.

00:37:47.660 It really was crazy.

00:37:49.380 And then we ended up, um, then we came out and there was a Parkland shooting and I was

00:37:54.660 so upset by it and just distraught.

00:37:57.940 And he came over and was just so sweet and nice and loving.

00:38:02.200 And I had no, I had no idea how to handle a man like him at all.

00:38:06.960 I didn't even think he was real.

00:38:08.960 It was like, I didn't, I couldn't handle intimacy.

00:38:11.800 I didn't, I was like, intimacy is creepy.

00:38:14.700 Eye contact and sex. 0.60

00:38:16.280 No, I just could not handle any of it.

00:38:19.240 And we kept, we couldn't stay away from each other.

00:38:23.640 We kept on dating, but I kept, I would cry in every therapy session because I was so torn

00:38:29.720 by what I felt what I was doing the wrong thing.

00:38:32.580 And also just my love for him.

00:38:35.040 And he was getting kind of more and more clingy, the more he felt me pulling away, which just

00:38:40.940 wasn't good either.

00:38:41.900 Cause he was so new.

00:38:42.860 I'm like, I don't want, I don't, this is so common in early sobriety.

00:38:46.100 A guy will meet, girl or guy will meet each other and they'll like make you their higher

00:38:50.320 power.

00:38:51.680 And so I broke up with him like five months into it and broke his heart.

00:38:57.020 And I kind of didn't even think twice.

00:38:58.800 I was like, I'm off to do my single thing.

00:39:01.340 But also my work life was really starting to take off at that time.

00:39:06.800 And, and cause this is like at the time where you were kind of becoming a cultural commentator

00:39:11.580 accidentally.

00:39:12.620 Yeah.

00:39:13.120 Accidentally.

00:39:14.260 And so we broke up and then 15 months went by.

00:39:19.180 My life drastically changed.

00:39:21.200 I started, that was right when I started doing like media.

00:39:24.180 And I think my first media hit was on the Ben Shapiro election special, one of his in 2018.

00:39:30.300 And I'm like, talk about, I mean, that's a big deal.

00:39:33.480 And that is like as conservative as it gets on Fox.

00:39:36.900 Yeah.

00:39:37.220 Yeah.

00:39:37.640 I was like, Oh yeah.

00:39:38.860 Okay.

00:39:39.080 I was on that too.

00:39:40.380 I don't think, no, we weren't on the same night, but I, yeah, I remember I was one on

00:39:44.600 one of those two.

00:39:45.640 It's like a four week special on Fox.

00:39:47.340 Yeah.

00:39:48.080 Yeah.

00:39:48.240 I think I was on with Lauren Chen and some crazy girl from code pink. 0.99

00:39:53.580 Like a lunatic. 0.98

00:39:54.740 Yeah. 0.94

00:39:55.440 She like bombarded Ben in the middle of the interview with some question about Palestine

00:40:00.420 that was complete.

00:40:01.180 He asked her a question and she was like, well, let me, and he handled it so well, but it was

00:40:06.340 complete non sequitur.

00:40:08.040 Yeah.

00:40:09.180 Yeah.

00:40:09.560 So that was your big like conservative media debut.

00:40:12.260 Yes.

00:40:13.040 And so, and so let me back up.

00:40:16.760 My husband comes from a very conservative background.

00:40:20.200 Oh really?

00:40:20.840 And he's a Republican.

00:40:22.900 But not religious.

00:40:23.520 Yeah.

00:40:23.740 Not religious. 0.97

00:40:24.520 More Republican, I guess, but conservative values.

00:40:27.520 And his family was like MAGA, you know what I mean?

00:40:31.800 Really?

00:40:32.740 They were parts of his family.

00:40:34.480 Definitely.

00:40:35.060 Yeah.

00:40:35.520 But y'all met in LA.

00:40:36.580 Is he from LA?

00:40:37.680 Yeah.

00:40:37.940 He's from.

00:40:38.520 But they're MAGA.

00:40:39.420 Oh yeah.

00:40:39.960 In LA.

00:40:40.360 But they were like in the desert and in like Valencia area, not like LA.

00:40:45.220 I'm not super familiar, but I guess it's just not all completely deep blue.

00:40:49.380 No, it's not at all.

00:40:50.700 That's why I always laugh at people who are like, we needed to go like these celebrities.

00:40:54.500 They're like, we're going to Oklahoma to find somebody who's like these conservatives.

00:40:58.900 Yeah.

00:40:59.400 These Trump voters.

00:41:00.260 I'm like, you could drive like 45 minutes.

00:41:02.860 Yeah.

00:41:03.460 Yeah.

00:41:04.240 I know you don't.

00:41:04.940 You go to Beverly Hills.

00:41:06.320 Yeah.

00:41:07.060 Like that's MAGA country. 0.59

00:41:08.680 Yeah.

00:41:08.860 Um, and so, but he was so kind of turned off by all the MAGA and mostly like the cult

00:41:16.740 of personality.

00:41:17.460 Being a therapist, I think he's just like, oh, that is so dangerous and repellent.

00:41:23.860 So he was very turned off and he kind of came to the center and he was going through

00:41:28.140 his own stuff, um, with depression.

00:41:31.140 And then he found guys like Jordan Peterson and, and so I, I'll never forget like.

00:41:37.100 Jordan Peterson, the great gateway drug.

00:41:38.880 The gateway drug.

00:41:40.020 But he was actually, I think he made him more like brought him more to the IDW side.

00:41:46.280 And so I went to his house.

00:41:48.680 That's the, for people that don't know, cause we, I don't even know if I've ever said that.

00:41:51.700 That's the like.

00:41:52.540 Intellectual dark web.

00:41:53.580 Intellectual dark web.

00:41:54.520 Yeah.

00:41:54.700 It was like self, self termed by, I think Eric Weinstein is the one who coined it.

00:41:59.480 And then I think like Barry Weiss talked about it in the New York Times or something.

00:42:03.280 Yeah, she wrote about it and it was like this conglomerate of people who are all talking

00:42:08.140 in this middle space.

00:42:10.360 I mean, Joe Rogan really like made all of these people to a certain extent because they, again,

00:42:15.360 I think he really held the Overton window open.

00:42:18.200 It's this very heterodox world where I would call a lot of them now are probably considered

00:42:23.900 conservative and some of them are like Ben Shapiro is a part of it and stuff, but that

00:42:28.800 not everyone is like, certainly not MAGA and certainly not everyone is necessarily on

00:42:33.680 the right in the IDW.

00:42:35.180 No, that, I mean, Sam Harris certainly isn't.

00:42:37.720 And Eric and Brett Weinstein, I think still consider themselves liberals.

00:42:43.280 Yeah.

00:42:43.440 Dave, I would say probably consider Ruben considered.

00:42:46.160 Oh, he's conservative for sure.

00:42:47.800 Yeah.

00:42:48.300 Now, there was a lot of fracturing that happened, I think, in that space throughout

00:42:53.860 those years.

00:42:55.500 Joe is still Joe.

00:42:57.020 You know, he's just being he's I think he and I are very similar in that respect.

00:43:01.920 And that.

00:43:02.460 Yeah.

00:43:03.280 Well, listening to y'all's conversation for sure.

00:43:05.680 I mean, I feel I know we're going on another detour.

00:43:08.720 Like when I'm listening to him, I'm like, you sound conservative in so many ways, even

00:43:12.880 though I know that he and I probably disagree on like a lot of social things like you and

00:43:16.360 I do.

00:43:16.800 But just hearing him even talk about like vaccine mandates and things like that and

00:43:21.380 different things like, you know, a woman is a woman, not like just a uterus have her 0.99

00:43:25.340 that now gets you labeled as conservative.

00:43:28.420 Right.

00:43:28.780 And I just like I actually appreciate the heterodox characteristic of people like you

00:43:34.600 and Joe Rogan.

00:43:35.320 Like, I like that you guys disagree on a lot of stuff because I feel like you guys have a

00:43:40.260 power to persuade someone on the other side that maybe someone on the other side would

00:43:44.480 write me off because they know I'm a Christian.

00:43:46.420 Right.

00:43:46.640 Even though I don't think that's a reason to write someone off, someone else might.

00:43:49.920 I like that we have a lot of heterodox people.

00:43:52.700 Yeah.

00:43:53.120 Now that are considered right wing.

00:43:55.320 Like Dave Chappelle and I probably disagree on everything, but I appreciate his willingness

00:44:00.160 to be like, you know what?

00:44:00.920 I'm not going to be summoned by this group of people.

00:44:03.080 Yeah.

00:44:03.260 Anyway, it seems like principles of freedom.

00:44:05.620 You know, that's really where there's like this group that's for it and there's a group

00:44:10.040 that's more for centralization and mandates and speech policing and all that. 0.91

00:44:16.000 Yeah.

00:44:16.760 So the first time I ever went to my husband's place, he had all these books and it was like

00:44:23.460 Ayaan Hirsi Ali, Christina Haas Summers, the Gulag Archipelago.

00:44:29.260 And I took a picture of it and I was like, this is a guy who's like, I'm on a first date.

00:44:33.040 And my audience was half like run.

00:44:35.540 And then the other half was like, where, how did you find this guy in LA?

00:44:39.600 And so we shared a lot.

00:44:40.960 We just could have like robust conversations.

00:44:43.020 And because I come from the left and he comes from the right, we have really interesting reactions

00:44:48.540 to news stories and we're both very aware of our biases.

00:44:52.580 And it's funny to just, this is the podcast I want to start with him is where we talk about

00:44:57.740 a lot of the mental health and addiction and all this stuff, but also like just the different

00:45:02.580 ways we'll react to a news story just because of our factory setting programming.

00:45:10.860 So it was great.

00:45:12.760 We just always had stuff to talk about and he challenges me.

00:45:16.980 He's much smarter than me and brilliant.

00:45:20.820 Just brilliant.

00:45:21.680 Reads all the time.

00:45:23.400 But y'all broke up after five months.

00:45:24.600 We broke up.

00:45:25.180 And then 15 months later, I was like, I'm coming back to that meeting.

00:45:29.060 And he had stopped kind of emailing me and being like, why we are meant to be together.

00:45:33.460 And I was like, go away, you're a stalker.

00:45:36.440 I'm like, aren't you supposed to be a therapist? 0.80

00:45:39.120 You need to check yourself.

00:45:40.980 And he did.

00:45:42.200 And then he went through like a montage.

00:45:44.080 I think we were both in like montage sequences, but he was really in one where it was like,

00:45:48.360 grew a beard, went to back to his, got his degree to be an LMFT.

00:45:54.120 He just bulked up.

00:45:56.220 I mean, so we went to get coffee.

00:45:58.700 I was like, looks good.

00:46:01.400 I mean, you always look good, but you look really good.

00:46:03.400 I was like, you're really, really hot.

00:46:06.780 And then we, we went and got coffee and we were supposed to go watch some comedy and I

00:46:12.180 didn't want to do that.

00:46:13.080 And we ended up going to dinner at Malibu when we were together ever since.

00:46:16.040 And that was like September of 2019.

00:46:19.600 And then I had an atopic pregnancy right away.

00:46:22.980 I got pregnant like immediately right when we got back together.

00:46:26.480 And that was pretty like traumatic and horrible.

00:46:30.760 And it was a, really showed me what kind of man he was.

00:46:35.940 He was just there by my side through all of it, made sure I was okay.

00:46:41.860 It was so loving.

00:46:43.440 Y'all were still dating at this point.

00:46:44.920 We were just dating.

00:46:45.800 Yep.

00:46:46.040 And then we went through that.

00:46:47.440 Then we got engaged and then the whole world shut down.

00:46:51.160 And then we were quarantined together because he was working at a grocery store at that time

00:46:56.220 and I was sick.

00:46:58.560 And so because, and I, I was living with my roommate, but she didn't want me to come back

00:47:03.740 home.

00:47:04.020 So he and I were in this apartment, his apartment, quarantined for like two, three weeks together.

00:47:08.800 And we really got to know each other in that time too, under this crazy duress of the whole

00:47:16.060 world was going through and just living through that together and being together nonstop day

00:47:23.920 in and day out.

00:47:24.760 I was like, I could be, I could live with this man.

00:47:27.520 I could do this forever.

00:47:29.080 Yeah.

00:47:29.580 Yep.

00:47:30.140 And so, yeah, we got married in November.

00:47:33.720 It'll be year November 10th.

00:47:35.440 Oh my gosh.

00:47:36.080 Hasn't this year gone by so fast?

00:47:37.420 It's crazy.

00:47:38.280 The past couple of years have been such a blur.

00:47:40.080 It's such a blur.

00:47:41.180 And this past year, I'm like, can't believe it's already been a year.

00:47:43.920 Yeah.

00:47:44.660 And then now I'm, and I'm also pregnant.

00:47:47.240 Now you're pregnant. 1.00

00:47:48.440 Okay.

00:47:48.820 So were y'all trying to get pregnant from the very beginning of marriage? 0.99

00:47:51.820 We weren't trying.

00:47:53.100 We just weren't not trying.

00:47:54.560 Yeah.

00:47:54.780 It's the not, not trying stage.

00:47:57.080 Yeah.

00:47:57.320 It's like trying, but it's not exactly like I'm young.

00:48:00.200 I wasn't, I didn't have too much time.

00:48:02.200 I think I really always was like, this is in God's hands.

00:48:05.020 And this is why I say, um, my faith in God now, because of the way things have unfolded

00:48:14.060 in ways in which I cannot comprehend and are truly like, how much evidence do I need?

00:48:23.660 Yeah.

00:48:24.300 That something is at work.

00:48:26.380 I don't, I don't know what, but when I really get out of my own way in those early days of

00:48:32.220 being pregnant, I, the past three months, I've really had to turn inward and turn over.

00:48:39.240 I mean, I've been praying every day.

00:48:40.980 I mean, my husband and I pray every morning.

00:48:42.720 Anyway, we say the third step prayer from 12 step, we say it together, but that's like

00:48:47.820 as religious as we get.

00:48:49.700 And what's that?

00:48:50.720 Um, um, God, I offer myself to thee to build with me and to do with me as thou will relieve

00:48:58.020 me of the bondage of self that I may better do thy will take away my difficulties that

00:49:02.140 victory over them may bear witness to those I may help of thy power, thy love, and thy

00:49:06.300 way of life.

00:49:07.580 And then that's it.

00:49:08.940 May I do thy will always.

00:49:11.340 But I love the relieve me of the bondage of self.

00:49:13.680 He got that inscribed in like an Etsy wood thing and we have it.

00:49:17.300 I mean, that's huge.

00:49:18.220 And that's so like, that's so counter, counter cultural.

00:49:21.480 That's like, I mean, kind of what we talked about on, on your show is like the bondage

00:49:25.480 of self.

00:49:26.120 We hear that more self is going to liberate us today.

00:49:29.140 Yeah.

00:49:29.260 And the gospel tells us the opposite.

00:49:31.060 And you're repeating that to yourself every morning without even really knowing fully what

00:49:35.740 you believe.

00:49:36.120 It sounds like that's what you were about to say, right?

00:49:38.520 Yeah.

00:49:38.820 That's, I mean, that is really, I try to ground myself and I know that when I'm out of my own

00:49:47.800 will, my life is, I am better.

00:49:51.220 And by out of my own will, when I'm not attached to results, when I'm not comparing to other

00:49:57.620 people, when I'm not trying to manage the world in the way that I think it should be, and really

00:50:04.480 getting pregnant at 42 out of the freaking blue, I was told that I was in menopause. 0.64

00:50:10.180 Like it's truly like a freaking miracle child. 0.60

00:50:13.380 So all of a sudden, I want to hear, how did you figure out you were pregnant?

00:50:16.900 So it's crazy.

00:50:18.420 And so I, in June, I was told that I was pregnant or that I was in menopause, but they couldn't,

00:50:24.340 she wanted to put me on birth control, but couldn't because I also had to get a lump in 0.99

00:50:27.960 my boob checked.

00:50:28.780 It's all fine, but I needed a biopsy.

00:50:31.020 So she's like, we can't add hormones until you get your biopsy. 1.00

00:50:34.480 And, and that means like, think about even like the timing.

00:50:37.840 Yeah, I know if I got on birth control, I was thinking about that today.

00:50:41.920 And we, but again, it's so much of like letting go.

00:50:47.240 So much of it has been letting go.

00:50:48.860 I've been just trying to, we went and talked to fertility specialist and he was like, looking

00:50:58.200 at your levels.

00:50:58.940 It's going to be like a miracle if we get, we're hoping for that, like one golden egg

00:51:05.320 and I'm not going to lie.

00:51:06.460 It's going to be hard and maybe not even possible.

00:51:09.820 And he had me order all these prenatals and I got them like $250 worth, which because I 0.95

00:51:16.280 got them from them, which was stupid, but I got them all. 0.75

00:51:19.520 And not just prenatals, it was also like ubiquinol, which is something you take to increase, it 0.97

00:51:26.820 helps like strengthen cells growth and can help with like egg, egg strength.

00:51:32.760 And so I started taking them and then I was like, I looked at them when I got them like,

00:51:40.340 what am I doing?

00:51:41.080 I don't even know what I'm doing.

00:51:42.280 I don't want this.

00:51:43.020 I don't want to try and force this because I really wrestled with forcing this thing at

00:51:48.780 this age when I felt like if I had really wanted it, I would have already done it.

00:51:52.960 And I also was like, God has a plan for us.

00:51:56.480 You know, maybe that's not what we're supposed to do.

00:51:58.700 Maybe we're supposed to adopt.

00:51:59.960 Maybe we're there are other ways of being parents and we don't we're not exactly rich

00:52:05.260 that it's a lot of money.

00:52:06.840 Some insurances pay for some of it, but it's still a lot of money.

00:52:11.660 And I was mad that I spent the money on those prenatals.

00:52:15.980 And my therapist was like, well, just take them.

00:52:17.620 They're good for your hair and your nails and your skin.

00:52:19.500 So just take them.

00:52:20.380 Yeah.

00:52:20.800 And I started taking them.

00:52:22.080 And then we went back.

00:52:22.800 He hadn't met my family because we got married in covid and they'd never met him.

00:52:27.500 So in July or August, we went home.

00:52:33.160 I started taking them like July and sometime in August, we went home and he met everybody,

00:52:39.720 all the babies.

00:52:40.700 My sister had a baby.

00:52:41.920 My sister-in-law had her third child.

00:52:44.880 And I kept waiting for like the pang of longing.

00:52:48.080 And we were my other sister as teenage boy.

00:52:51.100 She started very young.

00:52:52.160 And so we saw how hard it was and the reality.

00:52:56.040 But we were also we sat on the beach and I was like, are you OK if we don't have kids?

00:53:01.540 Are you OK with that?

00:53:02.680 And he's like, yeah, I'm fine.

00:53:04.560 If you're OK with that, he's like, I just worry and get emotional.

00:53:07.940 He's like, I just don't want you to regret anything.

00:53:09.740 And I was like, I'm I really just I couldn't like bear to I've seen women go through that

00:53:18.860 like fertility and it can be so heartbreaking and you invest yourself in it and then you're

00:53:26.180 disappointed and sometimes it works and it's like a miracle.

00:53:28.920 And I know so many people who are like, do it, try.

00:53:31.400 It's like this huge blessing.

00:53:32.880 But I also didn't want to like lose my mind over it.

00:53:37.060 And we we just decided that we were fine with that.

00:53:41.000 And we he's like, I remember going on that walk and we came back home.

00:53:45.040 I went and saw my OB to get the pills, the birth control pills, and she gave them to me.

00:53:51.040 And I, for some reason, didn't take them.

00:53:52.800 Mind you, I was taking prenatals every single day during that vacation, like religiously.

00:53:57.980 I never take any pills like this.

00:53:59.660 This is so unlike me.

00:54:01.440 And I came back and I was about to book all these travels.

00:54:06.400 And he's like, will you please take a pregnancy test?

00:54:08.740 Because my boobs were sore and I was like exhausted.

00:54:12.500 And he's like, Bridget, I think you might be pregnant. 0.98

00:54:15.180 And I had you were just like, no, no, no.

00:54:16.700 I hadn't got my period.

00:54:17.780 So the reason I thought I was in menopause was I got vaccinated, didn't get my period for 90 days.

00:54:22.140 Now, that could be my age or it could just be like one of the weird vaccine things.

00:54:27.200 And then I got it and I got it again.

00:54:29.440 So I got it in June and that's when I went and talked to her.

00:54:32.080 And she's like, let's test your levels.

00:54:33.800 You're in menopause.

00:54:35.340 And then I got it and again in July.

00:54:39.560 And so when I went to see her again, when I got back in August, I was like, I haven't had my period in like 40 days.

00:54:44.920 And she was like, that's just the menopause.

00:54:47.720 Didn't even test me.

00:54:48.800 Didn't even give me a freaking pregnancy test, which is actually kind of negligent, given my history of ectopic. 0.58

00:54:56.360 You are more likely to have an ectopic.

00:54:59.580 So he, a week later, was like, will you please take this test just for peace of mind before you go to South Africa.

00:55:06.900 And I was supposed to go to Europe and like all these places and New York.

00:55:11.560 And I took it.

00:55:12.940 I was like, fine, I'll take it.

00:55:14.000 It's going to be negative.

00:55:14.980 Was it a digital or was it one of the lines?

00:55:16.820 Like lines.

00:55:17.700 Yeah.

00:55:18.000 And I took it and I was like, see?

00:55:20.220 And the one line popped up and then like immediately the other one popped up.

00:55:24.020 Oh my gosh.

00:55:24.360 What was your reaction?

00:55:25.800 It was just like you couldn't believe it.

00:55:27.340 I called my best friend immediately.

00:55:29.520 Like I texted her.

00:55:30.780 I was like, holy because she's pregnant with twins. 1.00

00:55:33.460 And it's IVF.

00:55:35.140 And she's pregnant with two twin girls. 0.99

00:55:37.320 And it's like four days.

00:55:38.460 We're four days apart.

00:55:40.980 So she's and she's like my spiritual sister of life.

00:55:45.500 We've known each other.

00:55:46.300 We met in Catholic school, actually, when we were in first grade.

00:55:49.240 And I was like, I don't know what to do.

00:55:51.060 And she's just kind of like walked me through it.

00:55:53.860 And she was like, you need to get into a doctor because F her. 1.00

00:55:56.960 She should have like, you should have known this a week ago.

00:55:59.720 Yeah.

00:55:59.940 And she basically came and saw me and did an ultrasound. 1.00

00:56:03.860 She's like, it's in there.

00:56:05.000 There's a sack.

00:56:05.720 It's not necessarily.

00:56:06.700 It's five weeks.

00:56:07.640 Oh, yeah.

00:56:08.060 So you can't.

00:56:08.700 You can't do the heartbeat.

00:56:09.900 Yeah.

00:56:10.240 Yeah.

00:56:10.720 It's just literally was just a sack.

00:56:12.960 Yeah.

00:56:13.160 And she was like, I was like, how do I make it stick?

00:56:16.180 And she's like, honey, if I knew that, I'd be like a billionaire.

00:56:19.040 Yeah.

00:56:20.880 Like, yeah, fair enough.

00:56:22.300 Yeah.

00:56:22.920 So.

00:56:24.000 But you could at least say that it wasn't an ectopic.

00:56:26.420 That's what I needed to know.

00:56:27.380 It's in the uterus.

00:56:27.980 Yeah.

00:56:28.340 And so it was she was like, no, it's intrauterine.

00:56:31.460 You know, it's like she's like, there's all this like healthy X or whatever it's called

00:56:36.060 like that, like white stuff you see around it. 0.96

00:56:39.040 And I was like, holy crap.

00:56:41.020 But then it was just like, well, we wait. 0.96

00:56:43.880 And so I got a new OB.

00:56:46.320 Yeah.

00:56:47.140 And made an appointment.

00:56:49.040 And at six weeks, it was weird.

00:56:51.940 It was like, right when the abortion ban came down, the six week abortion ban happened.

00:56:57.660 I was six weeks.

00:56:59.260 That was like the exact same week.

00:57:02.160 Yeah.

00:57:02.600 In Texas.

00:57:03.320 And that was when I, you can't hear the heartbeat, but you can see it.

00:57:07.260 Mm hmm.

00:57:08.360 So that was a like very strange experience.

00:57:11.060 Have you had another ultrasound since then?

00:57:13.140 I've had two more.

00:57:13.840 I had to go every two weeks because I'm a geriatric.

00:57:17.040 What was it like when you saw because at eight weeks, it looks almost like this little jelly

00:57:20.560 bean with this like little beating heart.

00:57:22.580 And then for me, like it was such a big difference from that first.

00:57:25.760 That was the first time I had at eight weeks.

00:57:27.480 And then the second time I had one at 11 and a half weeks.

00:57:29.800 And all of a sudden it was a baby.

00:57:31.260 Yeah.

00:57:31.540 No, it's crazy.

00:57:32.720 Kicking, moving, like flipping around.

00:57:34.760 I saw the brain, the ribs, the teeth.

00:57:36.740 Yeah.

00:57:37.160 That was insane.

00:57:38.020 That was when I like just lost it.

00:57:40.140 Did you, was that like surprising for you?

00:57:42.580 Well, it's weird because I saw it from the sack and then it was really just, I had to,

00:57:47.480 I don't really remember.

00:57:48.820 It feels like a blur because I was in that weird purgatory of knowing I was pregnant,

00:57:53.320 but like I had to turn it over.

00:57:55.520 It was, and I didn't want to, I was saying on Rogan, like I really had to turn it into

00:58:01.260 like a new age mantra person because I have so much fear and really had to face feeling

00:58:06.560 like I didn't deserve it.

00:58:07.900 And I was like, why do you feel like you don't deserve this child?

00:58:11.420 And the fear, just the natural fear everyone has about those scans and the early days and

00:58:17.280 so much can go wrong.

00:58:18.820 And I'm older, so even more can go wrong.

00:58:21.640 And I just really had to pray.

00:58:24.560 I read my little like readings every morning and turned, turned it over.

00:58:29.160 I was like, this is, I kept just telling myself, this is, God's got this, like this is in God's

00:58:35.460 hands and whatever will be, will be.

00:58:38.180 And then we, I saw it again at six, like eight weeks.

00:58:44.400 And, and that was when I got to hear the heart and that was crazy.

00:58:48.040 That was crazy.

00:58:49.800 And emotional.

00:58:50.640 And then I saw again at 10 weeks because he wanted me to come just to make sure because

00:58:56.860 my, the first day of my last period wasn't, it's not accurate at all from when I actually

00:59:03.000 conceived.

00:59:03.540 So he was like, we want to just make sure that you're on track with the development.

00:59:09.640 And then they did the test at the 10 and a half weeks for chromosomal abnormalities in

00:59:15.500 the sex.

00:59:16.000 And that's when we found out it was a girl and things were looking healthy.

00:59:19.280 And then, and at that point too, I was really coming to terms with like, would it even matter

00:59:29.760 if it came back, you know, like they do all these screenings and they're like, well, this

00:59:34.560 is so you can make a decision.

00:59:35.720 I'm like, like I've made the decision.

00:59:39.260 I don't think I could be like, I don't want the, like no matter what, it felt like such

00:59:44.420 a miracle that no matter what, it felt like it was supposed to be, no matter whether,

00:59:49.280 whether it was down syndrome or healthy, I, you know, there's still, it's still very

00:59:53.960 new.

00:59:54.620 There's still, yeah.

00:59:57.160 So then I got to, then he got to come with me for the like 13 week one where they do the

01:00:02.180 NT test, you know, the like measure the water in the base of the skull and the bridge of

01:00:06.720 the nose.

01:00:07.200 They do a lot with like geriatrics and, um, they actually, they legitimately do call it

01:00:13.720 a geriatric pregnancy.

01:00:15.820 You're not just saying that they call it geriatric, even though you're not geriatric.

01:00:19.280 No, it's like over 32, I think they call it geriatric, which is crazy.

01:00:25.840 But it's good that they, I mean, that they're on the side of caution.

01:00:29.200 Yeah. 0.97

01:00:29.340 And then that's when I was like, holy crap. 0.96

01:00:31.800 It went from this little like tadpole to like baby. 0.99

01:00:36.920 Arms, legs, chicken.

01:00:37.560 Like she had fingers and legs and arms and like, like you said, you can see the brain

01:00:42.340 still.

01:00:42.880 Yeah.

01:00:43.620 And the spine.

01:00:44.880 You can see it all.

01:00:45.840 It's crazy.

01:00:46.180 She was like yawning. 0.69

01:00:47.320 I was like, oh my God, this is so crazy.

01:00:49.760 And then he's like, okay, we'll see you in a month.

01:00:51.620 Everything boring and normal so far.

01:00:53.320 And that's where you are right now.

01:00:54.460 You're waiting.

01:00:55.080 Yeah.

01:00:55.400 But I feel I wouldn't even let myself get excited.

01:00:59.420 Yeah.

01:00:59.840 And I think it was like a weird, I'm, you know, cautiously optimistic by nature about everything.

01:01:05.460 Even if it's like business, I'm just like that.

01:01:07.980 But in this instance, it was kind of, I would talk to my therapist about it.

01:01:12.600 Like what a funny form of self-protection as if I wouldn't be enormously disappointed.

01:01:18.140 Even if I got excited, it's like a weird form of self-protection.

01:01:23.040 Like, like I'm not still going to be crushed if something happened.

01:01:28.100 But it's just my, she's like, you have a messed up upbringing.

01:01:31.840 Like this is normal.

01:01:33.000 And many people are, she's like, I was superstitious.

01:01:35.640 It's not uncommon.

01:01:37.720 But it also felt like a weird way of me trying to control something I had no control over.

01:01:42.640 Yeah.

01:01:42.820 You don't.

01:01:43.440 So yeah, now we're just, I have 14 weeks and it's weird because I'm feeling better.

01:01:50.780 So I'm like, oh, am I pregnant?

01:01:53.000 Yeah.

01:01:53.360 It's like you go from being reminded of it every day, all day.

01:01:56.640 Because you're sick.

01:01:57.760 And then, but the second trimester is so much better.

01:01:59.740 And then kind of what we were talking about before we started recording,

01:02:02.700 that third trimester is when you like don't really want to do anything.

01:02:05.980 Well, towards the end of it, you'll probably, I mean, you might feel great all the way through the end,

01:02:10.220 but I went all the way to almost 42 weeks with both of my kids, which is a long time to be pregnant.

01:02:16.640 And you get really uncomfortable.

01:02:17.660 And plus I gained like a million pounds.

01:02:19.400 Some people don't and they feel and look great.

01:02:21.720 But towards the end, I was super uncomfortable.

01:02:23.600 But there's that sweet spot.

01:02:25.460 Yeah.

01:02:25.760 And you're about to enter into it.

01:02:27.160 Yeah.

01:02:27.400 From like 16 to 28 weeks.

01:02:29.760 That's what everyone says.

01:02:30.940 It's like you have the cute bump and like you're feeling horny. 0.54

01:02:34.620 Well, you are, you like look really cute. 0.91

01:02:37.060 Yeah.

01:02:37.320 So yeah, it's a good time.

01:02:39.200 It's a good time.

01:02:39.760 She's, it's so weird.

01:02:41.080 I'm like, I hope she's fine down there.

01:02:43.160 Cause you're kind of like.

01:02:43.920 Well, and you can't feel her yet.

01:02:45.860 And you will like in a few weeks, you'll feel her.

01:02:47.960 And so that'll be your indicator, you know, like, oh, okay.

01:02:50.800 She just kicked. 1.00

01:02:51.620 She's fine.

01:02:52.160 But right now it's like, are you even in there?

01:02:54.040 Cause she's like, what? 1.00

01:02:54.860 Like the size of like.

01:02:55.980 A lemon or something.

01:02:56.880 Yeah. 0.98

01:02:57.340 She's so insane. 1.00

01:02:58.500 Tiny. 0.99

01:02:58.720 So crazy.

01:02:59.740 Man, there's so many other things I could ask you.

01:03:02.740 Do you, the last thing, the last thing, since we're running out of time.

01:03:06.000 And I wonder if your view about God and that higher power, do you feel like it's changed

01:03:12.300 as your kind of cultural views have changed and even your views of motherhood and marriage

01:03:17.580 and yourself have all changed?

01:03:19.680 And do you think that it will continue to evolve?

01:03:23.260 Yeah.

01:03:23.580 I think it's, I think I've, if I've learned anything that it's just that I'm constantly

01:03:28.360 evolving.

01:03:28.840 Like I don't know anything.

01:03:30.740 I'm constantly reminded how little I know.

01:03:33.420 I just don't, me sitting on that beach and being like, I'm fine without, we're good.

01:03:38.340 We don't need to have kids.

01:03:39.540 And then finding out we're pregnant, we were laughing.

01:03:41.500 Cause it's like that old saying of man plans and God laughs.

01:03:46.820 And I just, that's all I've been thinking.

01:03:49.000 All the little things with like the lump in your breast, not being able to be on birth

01:03:53.240 control.

01:03:54.000 All of it.

01:03:54.360 Like all the little things so clearly work together.

01:03:57.140 I know.

01:03:57.640 And it is like a little, it's crazy.

01:04:01.060 It was really fun telling his mom.

01:04:02.820 That was like my most exciting thing.

01:04:04.980 We, we just surprised or we waited to tell most of our family.

01:04:09.240 I told friends and people that I would need if something went wrong and I would need support

01:04:15.180 from girlfriends, but I didn't tell my dad or like his mom until we got a lot of the testing

01:04:21.400 back and knew what the sex was.

01:04:23.000 So, cause we wanted to, I didn't want her to have to go through all of the, it was anxiety, 0.97

01:04:27.840 a lot of anxiety, just trying to manage the anxiety and be like my dumb little mantra of 0.77

01:04:33.760 like, I'm in perfect health.

01:04:35.380 My baby's in perfect health.

01:04:37.000 This pregnancy is going to go perfectly.

01:04:39.200 Like, it's just like, or whatever it will be, it will be, but just trying to manage

01:04:45.160 the positive about it, counterbalance the negative.

01:04:48.060 Yeah.

01:04:48.800 Yeah.

01:04:49.500 Yeah.

01:04:49.760 It's been a, it's been a journey.

01:04:51.020 I do think, I do think it has evolved and how, I mean, it's hard for me not to believe

01:04:58.260 in God.

01:04:59.180 When, when I saw that heartbeat, I was like, I, I don't understand anything.

01:05:04.340 Yeah.

01:05:05.100 Yeah.

01:05:05.460 Well, I just hearing you tell your story, not just motherhood, but from the very beginning,

01:05:11.420 I see the providence of God and the specificity in his plans and purposes for you.

01:05:17.360 And even just like hearing you wrestle through a lot of the lies, all of us have believed

01:05:21.160 lies at one point, but hearing the lies that like accompanied addiction and then overcoming

01:05:25.780 them with sobriety.

01:05:26.880 Like I certainly see what we would say, like it's the hand of the Lord.

01:05:30.960 And even you repeating, gosh, I think that's such a solid and good prayer that you repeat

01:05:34.880 every morning.

01:05:36.420 If it's worth anything, I feel like I see the Lord in your life and has worked so clearly

01:05:42.400 throughout your life and in the life of your little girl.

01:05:44.860 And so it's really encouraging.

01:05:46.740 I think a lot of people are going to be encouraged by this too.

01:05:49.520 Where can people find you, support you, follow you?

01:05:52.180 You can find me at walk-ins.

01:05:54.460 Welcome is my podcast.

01:05:55.700 So please subscribe.

01:05:57.020 We have talked to all kinds of lovely people like yours truly, you.

01:06:02.760 Like yours truly, like me.

01:06:05.100 Like you, not me.

01:06:07.480 And we also have Dumpster Fire, which is on YouTube and Rumble.

01:06:13.320 And my website where you can subscribe, it's like a whole community of very politically

01:06:19.780 homeless people where we talk about all kinds of things.

01:06:23.600 But I do workouts with the women every day. 1.00

01:06:25.840 We do it on Zoom, which I love.

01:06:28.780 Okay, I didn't know that somehow.

01:06:30.400 I'll give you the link.

01:06:31.280 Wow, I should do that because I'm not working out right now and I need to be.

01:06:34.880 It's a half hour.

01:06:35.740 It's tons of women who just had babies, honestly, like three or four of them. 1.00

01:06:39.920 And it's only a half hour.

01:06:41.060 Are you leading the workout?

01:06:42.340 No, I just put, I stream this one woman that I love and we all just follow.

01:06:47.480 It's really just like hold each other accountable and to show up.

01:06:50.800 What time is it?

01:06:51.540 It would be like two o'clock your time.

01:06:53.580 And I can turn off my camera.

01:06:55.380 Oh, yeah.

01:06:55.800 Everybody does if they want to.

01:06:57.860 That's good.

01:06:58.120 Yeah.

01:06:58.460 No, it's such a great, supportive, amazing group of women. 1.00

01:07:01.940 And they're just, they've, we've walked through like all kinds of stuff.

01:07:06.400 And now, and yeah, two, I think three of them just had babies and some are pregnant.

01:07:11.660 Now, I just found out like three of us are pregnant in there. 0.89

01:07:14.600 So that's awesome.

01:07:15.680 Yeah.

01:07:15.960 That's really cool.

01:07:16.500 Yeah, I have a subscriber site and that's, it's not even that expensive, actually.

01:07:21.060 It's just really a place where we put like the unedited dumpster fire and just extra content.

01:07:25.540 Yeah.

01:07:25.960 It's a safe space.

01:07:27.300 Yeah.

01:07:27.640 Very cool.

01:07:28.260 Well, thank you so much, Bridget.

01:07:29.300 I really appreciate you taking the time to come on.

01:07:30.320 Thank you for having me.

01:07:31.060 I really love you.

01:07:32.240 Thank you.

01:07:32.800 Aw, thank you.

01:07:33.520 Thank you.

01:07:34.300 Thank you.

01:07:34.680 Thank you.

01:07:35.680 Thank you.

01:07:36.680 Thank you.

01:07:38.680 Thank you.

01:07:40.680 Thank you.

01:07:41.740 Thank you.

01:07:42.740 Thank you.

01:07:43.740 Thank you.

01:07:44.740 Thank you.

01:07:45.740 Thank you.

Relatable with Allie Beth Stuckey - May 23, 2022

REPLAY： Getting Sober, Fighting Culture Wars & Becoming a Mom ｜ Guest： Bridget Phetasy

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