REPLAY: Toxic Mommy Culture
Episode Stats
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Summary
Toxic mommy culture is a term that I use to describe the trendy malice expressed by parents about their kids on social media. In this episode, I explain what it is, why it s bad, and why we as christian women should avoid it.
Transcript
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hey guys welcome to relatable happy monday i hope everyone had a great easter weekend
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celebrating with your families and whatever non-traditional ways that you got to celebrate
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this weekend today we are talking about toxic mommy culture this is a topic that a lot of you
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have been asking me to address more thoroughly we've talked about it on the podcast before
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but i'm going to tell you what it is why it's bad and why we as christian women should avoid it
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uh now if you are listening on monday you know that this podcast episode is out a little bit
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later than usual there were some technical difficulties so i apologize for that i actually
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had to record it um a second time because the audio was out on the first one so anyway sorry for the
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delay there but i'm so excited to get into the subject that a ton of you have been requesting
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that we dive into more deeply okay let's get into toxic mommy culture uh what is toxic mommy culture
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this is a term that i made up or at least i think i made it up i'm sure other people somewhere have
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said this phrase before but i think that i came up with it toxic mommy culture it is what i use to
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describe the trendy malice expressed by parents about their kids on twitter let me tell you what
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i am talking about and what i'm not talking about just so we can be clear let me start with what i'm
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not talking about when i say toxic mommy culture so what is not toxic mommy culture is saying motherhood
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is hard that's not toxic mommy culture or asking for help or advice voicing your worries or your fears
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or your stressors when it comes to motherhood talking about needing a break or a time of
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refreshment or rest uh being honest about the real challenges of raising children that's not toxic
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laughing about something your children said or did joking about not having it all together or even you
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know poop explosions or all the non-glamorous parts of motherhood these are not part of what i consider
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toxic mommy culture of course every situation and everything that's said online is different and
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requires us to look at tone and context and things like that but just up front i'm not talking about
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uh i'm not talking about vulnerability and transparency and light-hearted humor when it comes to talking
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about motherhood online i think that these can all be done on social media in a way that's light-hearted
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that's fun that's funny and edifying when i talk about toxic mommy culture i am not indicting like i
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said vulnerability and transparency i am condemning meanness malice disrespect and what even may very
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well be considered bullying and emotional abuse this word toxic is used a lot nowadays in this whole
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uh what i call the trendy narcissism culture the culture of self-love to say okay if you have a
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toxic relationship you need to cut it out what i mean by toxic is that it is infecting you
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it is bringing you down it is making you your thoughts your life your relationships worse it is tearing
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things down rather than building things up so that's what i mean by toxic so toxic mommy culture
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includes but it's not limited to and this is just my own personal definition other people might have
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different definitions but it's my personal definition in light of what the bible says about motherhood
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and raising children and things like that so toxic non-edifying non-building up non-encouraging
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mommy culture is including but not limited to calling your kids names online a-hole seems to be a prevalent
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one that people just think is hilarious nowadays but also calling your kids brats jerks things like
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that uh talking about how your kids are driving you to alcoholism pointing out that you hate spending
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time with your kids or they're holding you back from doing all the things that you want to do you
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hate having them in the house and you just can't wait for them to go away all of this by the way also
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applies to how a lot of women talk about their spouses online and it is almost always wives complaining
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about these things wives complaining about their husbands moms complaining about their kids not always
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but often um our sinful and incessant need to nag as women seems to be spilling over onto social media
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and let me tell you it ain't pretty and that is why i am talking about toxic mommy culture there are social
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media accounts that are dedicated to this kind of stuff not all the posts on these accounts like scary mommy
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for example are bad but there is a theme to most of them and it's this that i am a victim of
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motherhood i am strung out i am stressed out i am put out i deserve better i'm entitled to recognition
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and vacation and i'm not getting these things so i'm bitter that's the theme of most of these posts
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these degrading posts about kids and toxic posts about motherhood all of this is presented usually
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under the guise of humor and as i have learned in my experience if you call this out if you point out
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even from a christian perspective that christian perspective that this kind of attitude is unhelpful
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is hurtful and unbiblical you will be met with a cacophony of defenses you will hear things like
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lighten up it's just a joke moms just need a place where they can vent and voice their frustrations
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or why don't you give these moms some grace rather than telling them their reactions are wrong stop
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being so judgmental or my personal favorite just wait just wait till you have teenagers just wait
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till you have more kids just wait till you are met with xyz challenge just wait then you will understand
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and you will start talking like this about your kids and instead of just discounting uh these defenses
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of toxic mommy culture instead of just writing them off i'm going to address them one by one uh
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because some of this pushback is legitimate or it's at least understandable and it's worth answering
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and i will use my responses to these justifications of toxic mommy culture to make my argument against it
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first defense of toxic mommy culture is it's just a joke okay i love jokes like i can take a joke
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i am not easily offended by jokes even if jokes are targeted towards me or a demographic or a group
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that i represent i have a very deep appreciation for jokes for jabs for sarcasm and even some good-hearted
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cynicism when the time is right but but not at the expense of those who can't defend themselves that's not
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humor that's bullying and there is nothing that i hate more than bullying uh think about this the only
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reason you as a parent and i'm talking universal you because i'm sure most of you listening to this
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podcast don't engage in toxic mommy culture online uh the reason that you who this might apply to as a
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parent feel so bold embrace and calling your kids brats online or uh saying that you are dreading
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spending time with them during quarantine is because they can't read and if they can read you
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don't care if they see it or not because you have power and authority over them or like in the case of
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women complaining about their husbands online you just don't care what they think uh you would never
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say these things that you say about your kids or your spouse about your neighbor publicly or your friend
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publicly or your boss publicly or people whose opinions that you care about and whose feelings
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you don't want to hurt because they might be able to retaliate in some way in most cases kids are
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helpless and by calling them names online or saying how much you dislike them you are exploiting their
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helplessness and dependence on you now you might say ali it ain't that seat come on uh they're just
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funny memes they're nothing more than that we just laugh and we scroll on but again humor is humor funny
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memes are funny memes but bullying isn't funny what other class of helpless people is it acceptable to
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publicly call names and talk badly about a people with special needs the elderly the poor if there
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were accounts dedicated to how burdensome special needs people are we'd probably think it was in bad
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taste right like we'd actually probably think it's immoral and we might even take steps to get that
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account taken down and yet it's become trendy funny to demean other vulnerable another vulnerable group
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of people children to get a laugh think about it uh if there were hundreds of accounts dedicated to how
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terrible wives and women are like how dumb and annoying and dramatic and bratty and needy women are
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how exhausting we are how men can't wait till we're gone or to get out of the house so we're not
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bothering them and there probably are social media accounts like this but like what would we say to
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these we would laugh maybe but we'd also probably agree that it's sexist that it's rude that it's not
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helpful to society at all that it's not edifying right we probably wouldn't say oh well it's fine like
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it's fine if lots of men voice these opinions publicly and become influencers based on their sexism
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we'd probably see these people these guys that start accounts like this as scumbags we probably
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wonder if they were really decent people we probably would say well maybe the problem is with you as a
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husband and not with your wife if you're constantly complaining or she's constantly nagging you we'd
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probably start having those thoughts we'd probably wonder if this kind of pervasive attitude contributed
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uh contributes to society's general view of women and we would be right to wonder all of these things if
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these accounts exist or did exist so no i don't think all of the memes about kids being chicken
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nugget eating brats are as innocuous as you think they are and from a biblical perspective ephesians 4 29
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says let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths but only such as is good for building up as fits the
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occasion that it may give grace to those who hear now this is a verse that i i personally can certainly
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put into practice better and more regularly not in relation to this topic specifically but in general
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certainly uh in online conversations about politics and disagreements and things like that but
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it absolutely also applies to the things that we say about our families especially publicly privately
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the things we say should be good for building up as that verse says pushback number two when i say toxic
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mommy culture is bad and we shouldn't engage with it a pushback that i hear is moms need a place where
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they can vent their frustrations well yes and no um as women i think we need to be a lot more thoughtful
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about what we decide to quote vent what i notice in a lot of us in many different kinds of situations
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is that we use this sorry i just need to vent as an excuse for saying things that we know we shouldn't
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say things that we know aren't glorifying to the lord things we know don't qualify as what's good for
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building others up things that would be really hurtful if the person that we're talking about heard
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them including our kids um it's kind of like when we excuse gossip by saying oh i'm just i'm just
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worried about her oh i would say this to her face so it's not gossip we're all guilty of that but we
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know the truth that we're still gossiping or it's like when we say something rude to someone followed
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by like no offense or just bless her heart uh venting does not give us an excuse to sin it's not a
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justification for slander or bullying or tearing down or hatefulness and again i have absolutely been
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guilty of this in the past in other areas but venting does not provide a justification for unfit
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for hateful or for mean words uh jesus condemning the pharisee said this in matthew 12 34 through 37
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for out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks the good person out of his good treasure
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brings forth good and the evil person out of his evil treasure brings forth evil i tell you on the day
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of judgment people will give account for every careless word they speak for by your words you will
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be justified and by your words you will be condemned jesus leader says in matthew 15 and he called the
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people to him and said to them hear and understand it is not what goes into the mouth that defiles a
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person but what comes out of his mouth this defiles a person what comes out of the mouth proceeds from
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the heart and this defiles a person for out of the heart come evil thoughts murder adultery sexual
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immorality theft false witness slander these are what defile a person so out of the heart jesus says
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the mouth speaks so we should all ask ourselves why are we saying the things that we're saying they don't
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mean nothing these words don't mean nothing they mean something are we bad mouthing our kids online
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because we hate them because we don't like them if so that's a heart problem that's a you problem
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not a kid problem a you problem fundamentally and ultimately are we doing it because we want
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attention and affirmation this i think is typically the main reason why people engage in toxic mommy
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culture if so that's a heart problem or are we doing it because we feel envy towards single people
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people without kids people who seem to have it easier or maybe because uh we covet other people
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kids their husbands or their financial situations if so that's a heart problem the mean-spirited
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tearing down of kids even in the name of humor is not an indication of your circumstances but of your
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heart so it's not an indication of how bad your kids are how lazy or unhelpful your husband is
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how difficult quarantine is it's an indication of something that is going on in your heart it's an
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indication of sin your resentment toward your kids it's a heart issue your bitterness toward your
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husband is a heart issue your desire for attention or affirmation from strangers on the internet or
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friends in your phone this is a heart issue now this does not mean that your kids aren't behaving badly
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or that your husband isn't lazy they might be these things and these things might not be your fault you
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might actually have it really hard i'm not discounting that but your public venting sessions
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where you are calling your kids and your spouse's names is an effort to tear them down to build yourself
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up and that is pride that is sin and not only that but i'm telling you it's not going to help
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because you have deeper heart level needs that may be numbed by your social media bashing
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but will not be healed the only person that can help you repent of your resentment and bitterness
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and selfish need for attention is the god who made you and this god sees you he hears you he knows how
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hard you have it however hard you have it he knows what challenges and obstacles you face first peter 5 7
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tells us to cast all our anxieties all our cares on the lord because he cares for us the reason
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why you bring your requests and your concerns to god and gratitude and humility not in bitterness or
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anger or entitlement is because yes he cares for you but he can also do something about these things he
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can also help you he can supply you with the strength and the joy and the wisdom you need memes cannot do
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that a like on social media will not do that those people that are a part of that mom group that
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you're on that you're using to vent cannot do that the friend egging you on over text message in your
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venting session cannot do that now again seeking wisdom from our friends very good asking for
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encouragement from friends or even that mom's group that you're a part of on facebook good being
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transparent and vulnerable about the difficulty of motherhood absolutely but using venting as an excuse
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for gossiping and bad mouthing your family it's unhelpful and it's unfit both for you and those
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who see inherent next defense i hear of toxic mommy culture give these moms venting about their kids
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in mean ways some grace instead of pointing out the flaws in toxic mommy culture don't be so judgmental
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well you are right in that a lot of the moms engaging in this kind of online rhetoric may be really
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struggling and they're looking for people to relate to they're looking for some reprieve maybe some
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encouragement and maybe their kids like i acknowledged really are wild maybe their husband
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really is inattentive and unhelpful and annoying so maybe this mom really is completely overwhelmed
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by motherhood all of this can be true at the same time as it is true that some speech is edifying
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and some speech is objectively degrading and that the effects of the things that we say about kids
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matters that some of these things are hurt are hurtful they're unhelpful and they contribute to
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the larger culture of hatred toward or at least apathy toward children that is so rampant today
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i think the vast majority of moms who engage in this kind of toxic online behavior
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love their kids and are probably nothing like their online persona in real life but again the question
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is why are you doing it what good is it doing and do you find yourself taking on this online persona
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of entitlement and bitterness and is that helping your family or is it hurting do you find yourself
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looking for opportunities to create a situation in which your child acts like a brat so you can
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chronicle it for last later if so again who is that helping and i would challenge you to ask the lord
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to examine what is in your heart as we should all be doing in all things uh ask him to examine what is
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in your heart that is making you feel the need to do this kind of thing and there absolutely is forgiveness
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and grace and understanding and love for you that only your creator can give but there will also be a call
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to repentance because remember out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks and then finally
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what i probably hear most often when i bring up toxic mommy culture and just how damaging it is is
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just wait that's what i hear just wait just wait till you have more kids just wait till you have toddlers
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wait till you have preteens wait till you have teenagers then you'll see why moms talk like this and
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you'll probably do it too and you are right in that i have no idea what you are going through i have
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one baby and i'm not gonna lie she is pretty incredible i have no idea what it's like to have
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twins or triplets or to have toddlers or to have teenagers or two three four five kids i don't know
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i don't know what it's like to have kids with special needs i don't know what it's like to have
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a husband who doesn't help i don't know what it's like to be a single mom i don't know what it's like to
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be a mom who works 80 hours of the week outside of the home i can go on and on about the kinds of
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moms that have it harder than i do i could talk forever about all of the things that i've yet to
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experience as a mom that i've yet to learn about motherhood there are many of you listening who know
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exponentially more than i do about being a mom so i don't come at this subject of toxic mommy culture
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as an expert on motherhood i'm not i come at this from uh from a perspective of a christian
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who knows what the bible says about children as an observer of culture and as a commentator
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on the lies being fed to women by our culture this lie and other lies that you are a victim of
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motherhood i also come at this as someone who is fortunate enough to be around moms of three kids
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four kids five kids kids with special needs and they all have different parenting styles they've
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all gone through their tough times and i'm sure they would tell you that they have gone through
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their hard moments and and mistakes that they've made but all of the moms i know do their jobs with
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gratitude and joy and so i know what a righteous attitude looks like in moms who have it much harder
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than i do and who might who might also have it harder than you do it is a judgment of the kind of
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negative culture and behavior surrounding motherhood uh that i am that that i am engaging in and yes i am
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judging that kind of behavior as wrong and as harmful bitterness is fanned into flame and creates more
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contentment more envy more unhappiness in this kind of online conversation and culture and it also has
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an effect on our culture at large a culture which already places a low value on children it exacerbates
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this feeling that children are a burden and that they can be discarded at any point in pregnancy as
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long as it's convenient and this trance uh this uh transitions me into my offensive points so those
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are my defensive points against what are attempts at justifying toxic mommy culture and here are my
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offensive points about why toxic mommy culture is bad and wrong and probably a little bit offensive
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too to some people number one yes as i was just stating i do believe that toxic mommy culture contributes
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to abortion culture how could it not how could it not contribute to that mentality when teachers uh when
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teenagers sorry and young women see moms uh constantly complaining about having kids do you think that
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parenting sounds appealing to them or do you think that it terrifies them it's the latter there's no doubt
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about that i also believe that it probably encourages apathy antipathy and even forms of abuse towards
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children if moms feel like they are validated in their deep-seated resentment and even sometimes
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hate of their kids why would they try to hide these things uh number two it is disrespectful to engage
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in this kind of behavior not just to your kids not just to your family but also to those who want kids
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and haven't been able to have them there are millions of men and women it's always important for us to be
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reminded of this there are millions of men and women who would give anything to be doing the late night
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wake ups the dozen diaper changes the temper tantrums that help you with homework but it hasn't happened
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for them yet they have emptied their bank accounts they have spent hours on their knees praying they have
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waited years on adoption list all to get a chance at having the same experiences that you right now are
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complaining about now uh that does not mean that you don't have the right that we don't have the right to
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acknowledge hardship in parenting whether you have one kid or you have seven kids we can say when things
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are difficult we can be tired we can be stressed we can feel like we don't know what we're doing we
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can confide in a friend we can ask for help we can pray to god for strength of course none of these
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things mean that we're not thankful for our kids just when we're being honest but remember to be thankful
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for your kids and don't let vulnerability which is good turn into grumbling which is bad and a sin
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philippians 2 14 through 15 says do all things without grumbling or disputing that you may be
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blameless and innocent children of god without blemish in the midst of a crooked and twisted
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generation among whom you shine as lights in the world holding fast to the word of life
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to the word of life so that in the day of christ i may be proud that i did not run in vain or labor
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in vain our lack of grumbling and complaining is a characteristic of being children of god
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it helps us shine as light in the midst of darkness which leads to my third point which is
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the most important point number three viewing children as brats and burdens is unbiblical this
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is the third and most important reason why toxic mommy culture is wrong we shouldn't have a part of it
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if we see secular society sound a certain way or say certain things our first reaction should never be
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to mimic it as christians if society tells us that kids are brats and burdens instead of agreeing instead
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of nodding our heads and joking along with them we should ask ourselves hang on the world is saying
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this is this what god says is this what god says about kids is this what god says about parenting
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because as christians we don't care what other moms say that motherhood is we don't care what memes say
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that motherhood is we don't care what celebrities say that motherhood is the question is what does god say
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that motherhood is the one who created it the one who tells us what to think and how to act and the
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bible says that kids are not brats they're not burdens but they are blessings that doesn't mean
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that they don't sometimes act bratty doesn't mean that sometimes they don't have bad behavior and that
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motherhood isn't hard but that children innately are blessings to us psalm 127 3-5 says
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behold children are a heritage from the lord the fruit of the womb a reward like arrows in the hand
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of a warrior are the children of one's youth blessed is the man who fills his quiver with them
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jesus also used the innocence the trusting nature the eagerness of children as a representation of what
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our faith should look like uh mark 10 13 through 15 says and they were bringing children to him that he
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might touch them and the disciples rebuked them but when jesus saw it he was indignant and said to them
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let the children come to me do not hinder them for to such belongs the kingdom of god truly i say to
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you whoever does not receive the kingdom of god like a child shall not enter it jesus made these
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children he loves them he sees them as precious throughout the bible we see that god is the giver
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of children that he creates us fearfully and wonderfully in our mother's womb that life starts
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at conception and it is it is precious from then onward and let me tell you uh from a first time
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relatively inexperienced mom motherhood is a blessing any of you who have been negatively affected
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by people who say kids hold you back or inhibit you or stop you from fulfilling your dreams or they take
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too much of you don't listen to that you will experience in parenthood a love that you have never felt
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in your life and i know that it is a tough road ahead for me for anyone as a parent i was a strong
00:27:16.000
willed child i was an even stronger willed teenager my parents had a rough go of it i understand the
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road of parenting is never easy and that there are times to weep over it to struggle with it to ask for
00:27:28.000
help with it to not know what to do with it but there is never a time to bully our children behind their
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backed online for a like or a laugh and again i want to reiterate because i know i'm going to get
00:27:40.560
at least one comment on this on youtube or something someone is still going to discount
00:27:47.120
all of the caveats that i've put in this and say that i'm being judgmental and that i'm trying to say
00:27:52.640
that women should just be faked and pretend that parenting is perfect and easy and i'm not i am not
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advocating for being fake or pretending that things are going perfectly confess your struggles and your
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sins to the lord to trusted friends ask for help and for wisdom while keeping in mind something
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important and true you are not a victim of motherhood you are a beneficiary of it words matter
00:28:14.480
attitudes matter that scary mommy instagram instagram page might be funny but is it helpful is it really
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helping you or is it making you more bitter is it helping society or is it adding to the negative noise
00:28:26.640
toxic mommy culture is a subsidiary of what i call the culture of self-affirmation or trendy
00:28:33.920
narcissism as we've talked about many times on this podcast and these two subjects like i said are
00:28:40.960
interlaced they're interlocked and this is something that i wrote a book about actually you're not enough
00:28:46.880
and that's okay escaping the toxic culture of self-love comes out august 11th you can go ahead
00:28:52.000
and pre-order that on amazon if you would like trendy narcissism is this mythical idea that if you
00:28:58.560
love yourself more you'll be happy that if you put yourself first you'll be satisfied that if you care
00:29:03.520
for yourself better you will find purpose and peace that you're really the center of your universe
00:29:08.640
and everyone else is in your orbit and it encourages this sense of entitlement entitlement to your wants
00:29:15.520
and your space and your dreams but the truth is the fact of the matter from a biblical perspective
00:29:21.360
we're not entitled to these things yes we need rest god made us this way and dictates our rest
00:29:27.680
and commands that we find refuge in him and yes there are things that we like to do things that make us
00:29:33.360
happy that we should do and engage in whenever we can but our children are not getting in the way of
00:29:39.120
the things that we are entitled to and viewing them as such will make us bad parents and miserable people
00:29:44.960
because it will make us bitter pride is always the author of bitterness a toxic mommy culture is based
00:29:52.000
on pride on what you deserve on the affirmation and attention that you think that you are entitled to
00:29:59.200
i saw a post on a mom's group on facebook of a mom calling her eight month old an a-hole
00:30:04.240
because he wouldn't stop screaming and crying she called herself a terrible mom and said sorry i just
00:30:08.800
needed to vent and all the comments assured her no you're not a bad mom you are doing your best you're
00:30:14.560
doing a great job and i'm just afraid looking at this conversation that i did not even engage in at
00:30:20.320
all i'm afraid in many cases that this is the reason why moms use such harsh language against their kids
00:30:27.680
and even themselves is because they want to be puffed up they need their ego to be stroked but ultimately
00:30:33.760
this doesn't help anyone the truth is the hard truth is we don't know if this person is a good mom
00:30:39.280
like we don't need to puff her up with empty platitudes we need to remind her of the truth
00:30:44.080
of the truth that it is understandable to be going through a hard time right now but that god can give
00:30:48.880
her the strength to do her job which is to steward her blessing of having a child a toxic mommy culture
00:30:55.440
just like the larger cults of self-affirmation trendy narcissism all seek to elevate the self and it
00:31:02.000
should tell us something that its participants are always complaining they're always blaming and they're
00:31:07.280
never fully finally happy remember none of the answers that you are searching for are found inside
00:31:16.080
yourself because the self can't be both the problem and the solution that's why you see these that are
00:31:22.720
obsessed with the self are often very up and down in their emotions they're always looking for the next
00:31:29.280
thing or the next 10-step program or relationship or book that will make them feel better and it helps for
00:31:35.280
a little bit and then it fades the burdens and the worries and the concerns of toxic mommy culture
00:31:41.760
and trendy narcissism are heavy but the good news is that jesus's burdens are light his yoke is easy
00:31:49.280
he calls us to self-denial to self-forgetfulness not to self-obsession and self-denial might sound scary
00:31:56.720
but it actually frees us from the discontentment and constant striving for attention and affirmation that
00:32:02.240
comes with self-worship when jesus is the center of our lives when we make pleasing him and glorifying
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him our number one priority when he is our purpose then our kids are no longer inhibitors inhibitors of
00:32:16.000
fulfilling that purpose but part of fulfilling that purpose parenting them in love in edification is a
00:32:22.720
way that we glorify god which is what we are all as believers called to do first and foremost okay
00:32:30.160
that concludes this episode i hope that you guys enjoyed it if you love relatable please
00:32:36.480
leave me a five-star review on apple podcast that would mean so much and if you have not subscribed
00:32:42.880
to my youtube channel allybeth sucky yet please do so i will see you guys back here on wednesday