Shameless Sperg - December 28, 2025


It's been a while. Here's an update for fans & friends.


Episode Stats


Harmful content

Misogyny

7

sentences flagged

Toxicity

92

sentences flagged

Hate speech

51

sentences flagged


Summary

Summaries generated with gmurro/bart-large-finetuned-filtered-spotify-podcast-summ .

In this episode of the shamelessberg, I talk about my experience with drugs and how they have affected my life and the people closest to me. I also talk about the perils of using them and how to deal with them.

Transcript

Transcript generated with Whisper (turbo).
Misogyny classifications generated with MilaNLProc/bert-base-uncased-ear-misogyny .
Toxicity classifications generated with s-nlp/roberta_toxicity_classifier .
Hate speech classifications generated with facebook/roberta-hate-speech-dynabench-r4-target .
00:00:00.000 hi folks i am the shamelessberg i hope you're doing well today so obviously i haven't posted
00:00:16.680 anything in quite a while it's been a pretty crazy ride so you know i posted a number of
00:00:24.500 videos along the way kind of updating people on the situation that i've been dealing with
00:00:28.640 as it unfolded and with every new video um i'd be quoted at the town hall because locals have just
00:00:38.160 continued keeping this whole thing alive and you know hanging off my every word and following my
00:00:44.380 content just to upset themselves over it and give my wife all kinds of trouble for being married to me 0.98
00:00:50.100 had people calling for us to be divorced had people pretty much saying that i should lose everything
00:00:56.360 that i should lose my family my children and all of these things all for uh videos that they don't
00:01:01.660 like that they didn't have to watch and um it's it's been exhausting you know and they haven't broken
00:01:09.080 my spirit but it's just been hard it's been a hard time and you know most of all it's been betrayals
00:01:16.880 you know betrayals from ostensible friends and family members who you know hitch their rides to
00:01:26.380 the rumor mill and spawned a bunch of yarn and added to it and magnified it intensely
00:01:33.600 just to make sure it would just get uglier and uglier and never die you know god forbid that we just
00:01:41.100 let somebody carry on with their life you know even if we don't like their opinion i know that that's
00:01:46.180 just a novel concept right let somebody keep living their life even if they have the nerve to speak
00:01:51.100 their opinion and you don't like it so um you know for the interest of family and for the interest of
00:01:58.680 my wife i decided to kind of go quiet go dark and you know as much as i want to come out guns blazing
00:02:06.580 and just say it all like i always do for the time being i still need to lay low just a little bit
00:02:13.060 and not come in with my full fury that's going to come eventually i can assure you of that
00:02:19.520 um i have to have a place to speak my mind you know that's how all this got started to begin with
00:02:26.140 just a desperate need to just speak my mind share my thoughts and my opinions and most of all just be
00:02:33.000 heard be understood whether people agreed with me or not i just wanted to be heard and i wanted
00:02:38.680 the intellectual honesty for people to say that makes sense i can see how you got from point a to 0.57
00:02:45.360 point b you know whether you agree with me or not now it turns out that a whole fucking lot of people 0.89
00:02:50.820 agree with me a lot of people agree with me and there's a lot of people that are just too afraid to
00:02:54.960 say it and i understand why i totally get it um you know you look at the situation that i've been
00:03:00.440 dealing with and i understand why people are afraid but the the problem for me is that it's
00:03:07.040 i think sick and twisted that we live in a time where supposedly we live in this free country
00:03:12.600 and supposedly we have free speech we have all these rights but we're afraid to use them
00:03:17.880 and what what's happened where we're afraid to use these basic fundamental freedoms um
00:03:24.680 you know they say freedom of speech is not freedom from consequence and they're all too happy to be
00:03:30.720 the ones to deliver those consequences to you and set themselves up like they have some sort of divine
00:03:36.760 mandate to go on a crusade and a witch hunt against you so they love to say this they love to invoke
00:03:42.760 that line but at a certain point when you know you intend to deal so much damage that it causes real
00:03:50.260 material uh reputational costs and damage to a person it is disingenuous to pretend that you have 0.97
00:03:58.080 respected free speech it is very disingenuous don't believe that bullshit because i don't believe it 0.90
00:04:04.000 um you know some of these people close to us and we even had like a family friend um you know my 0.66
00:04:14.360 little my little daughter was friends with their little boy and they had a great time together they
00:04:20.900 were best friends to each other and it was a precious little friendship that they had and you
00:04:26.600 know unfortunately the adoptive mother of that boy um the entire time was going behind our backs and
00:04:34.200 uh twisting things that we were saying taking things out of context and just making up whole cloth stories
00:04:40.340 uh such as that i'm addicted to cocaine or something i don't fucking use cocaine all right i don't use 0.94
00:04:48.040 cocaine i don't even like it back from you know when i was a teenager and experimented with different
00:04:54.660 drugs it's one of the drugs i tried um i don't i didn't care for it too much and most of all because
00:05:01.200 i observed what it did to people when they would use it what it turned them into and i wanted nothing
00:05:06.180 to do with it and it it came pretty close to home you know for me because my own biological father
00:05:12.740 um he had serious struggles with drugs and one of the main ones he struggled with was cocaine
00:05:18.240 so it always kind of served as an extra deterrent for me to not go down that road so to be accused
00:05:25.280 of doing cocaine was uniquely insulting not that this person would know or care about that chapter of
00:05:31.760 my history she just wanted to create trouble um and call it concern she's concerned uh she also 0.99
00:05:39.600 called cps you know try to get my kids taken from me um that's the sort of thing i've been dealing with
00:05:46.920 okay this registered foster parent who had so many opinions about my parenting and so many opinions
00:05:55.300 about what i should be doing with my kids how i should be teaching them how i should be instructing them
00:06:00.620 and how i should be guiding them and their values and their intellectual development she had all kinds
00:06:06.500 of opinions well let me tell you something if you have an opinion about my parenting no you don't 0.99
00:06:12.180 no you don't so you can shut the fuck up um i doubt very seriously that she's watching 1.00
00:06:18.280 and but if she is you know you're a fucking scoundrel okay you're a scoundrel and who had better stay 1.00
00:06:24.780 out of my life and and anybody connected to my life you know i'm completely out of our periphery 1.00
00:06:30.600 you don't belong anywhere near us and um you need to just move on get a life mind your own and fuck 1.00
00:06:37.700 off you know it's absolutely disgusting uh what some people will do in situations like these you 1.00
00:06:44.880 never realize just how bad it can get i knew it could get bad and i know people lie and i know people 0.97
00:06:50.380 make up stories but holy shit at the at the lies and the stories that came generated out of this whole 0.95
00:06:55.640 mess i honestly could never have seen coming quite the level of um dishonesty slurs um slander rumors 0.98
00:07:06.740 just outrageous lies and distortions and all of this malice and um you know cries for divorce like 0.99
00:07:15.080 you're you're trying to you know break up a family over fucking words you don't like 0.98
00:07:21.240 and so i hope uh if some of these people even have a capacity to feel genuine shame 0.99
00:07:28.760 it it might be time for you to do that because that's incredibly shameful it's incredibly shameful
00:07:34.580 um and and for all of the hate and resentment and contempt that i can express sometimes i have
00:07:41.820 to say that this i wouldn't do this to people okay i wouldn't do this to my worst enemy i really
00:07:47.540 wouldn't uh because it's so spineless and it's disgusting and it's wicked and diabolical and i 0.84
00:07:53.520 just wouldn't do that you know would i say things that might offend you yeah but at least
00:07:57.560 i'm being honest at least i'll be straight up with you you know if i have something offensive to
00:08:02.080 say to you i'm just gonna say it and it'll just be that's what i think that's how i feel
00:08:06.800 no no beating around the bush just honest and these people are not honest and they don't care to
00:08:13.600 be they don't care about truth you know any one of these people that has made up lies and stories
00:08:18.980 uh if they were so concerned could have come to me if they had a spine and asked me and expressed 0.99
00:08:24.280 their concerns to me but they didn't not a one of them not a single fucking one and it's just shameful 1.00
00:08:31.300 so and you people are cowards you're you're cowards and you're backbiting losers and you should feel 1.00
00:08:38.640 very ashamed i'm not ashamed you know why because i'm the shameless berg i am not ashamed 1.00
00:08:43.600 and um so it's been ugly you know it's been very ugly on the other hand oh and i gotta say there's 0.96
00:08:51.880 been like six fucking articles written like six and there was even a short segment on local tv 0.94
00:08:58.300 dealing with this uh subject this situation and i'm just like dude how is it that like grown adults 0.98
00:09:06.360 ostensibly grown adults have managed to get themselves into this much of a tizzy
00:09:11.680 over words they don't like what has happened to us as a nation what has happened to us as a people
00:09:18.260 that that's what this comes down to by the way uh if any of you people out there because there's a lot
00:09:23.720 of brainwashed progressives that think that out on a rural area they're not safe or whatever
00:09:28.040 okay i live in a rural area and i'm telling you right now all these maga types turn into antifa
00:09:33.980 and a drop of a hat the moment that you say something racist the moment that you say something 0.98
00:09:40.300 that might be against black people or brown people or jews or any of it they turn into frothing mad 0.99
00:09:46.160 witch hunters they they join right along with the rainbow clan to come after you so don't be under any 1.00
00:09:52.020 illusion okay you know whether you're a progressive or anyone else do not be under any illusion
00:09:57.380 that people in rural towns are somehow like your total enemies right there are more enemies of
00:10:04.080 someone like me you know someone who came out with a strongly nationalistic race first message
00:10:09.920 um they will hunt you down and torment and taunt you uh endlessly and and they'll they'll be on their
00:10:19.760 little righteous high horse in the crusade so don't you go thinking for a second that you you um are in
00:10:27.360 danger in a place like this these people will more more quickly come to your defense if you're a rainbow
00:10:33.580 person um than than if you're somebody like me and this whole ordeal that i have lived through has
00:10:39.800 proved that proved that to me very well um i even went into this whole thing with a bit of naivety i figured 0.92
00:10:46.040 if and when i'm ever doxed um locals around here won't give a shit they're country folk they probably 0.94
00:10:53.600 won't care at all in fact some of them will probably privately sympathize and some of them do sympathize 0.82
00:10:58.420 okay privately very quietly they've written to us okay uh expressing care and concern for the
00:11:05.020 situation that we've been living in and saying oh by the way i agree with shamelessberg it's happened
00:11:10.360 plenty um so they're out there they're out there but the most vocal people of course have 0.68
00:11:16.000 been detractors naysayers and all of that shit and it got so bad that we ended up having to hire a 0.94
00:11:22.080 lawyer and issue a couple of cease and desist orders um and interestingly interestingly a lot of lies and 0.90
00:11:30.120 slander started to die down after that um as far as at least what was being brought up in public
00:11:35.400 discussion like at town hall meetings or whatever um lies and slander they started to die down you know 0.96
00:11:42.320 so it was clear to me that these people understood that they were lying that they were making shit up 0.95
00:11:47.480 uh otherwise they'd have persisted and they haven't um 0.98
00:11:51.300 if you can hear any barking in the background that's because recently we got a german shepherd puppy
00:11:58.340 goodness she's a yappy little thing but she's very young um so anyway it's been a bloodbath 0.83
00:12:08.020 okay it's been really bad and then of course you know a lot of you will know i kind of had
00:12:13.480 a spiritual crisis too and i kind of wanted to break down some of that for you and you know i've
00:12:21.200 always been very honest and very open sometimes honest and open to a fault there's times in
00:12:26.380 retrospect where i feel like well maybe i should have just sat quietly with that one and not talked
00:12:30.700 about it but i like to talk about things as they come i like to tell you what i think and what i feel
00:12:36.200 as it happens and there are a lot of twists and turns in a journey like that especially in a
00:12:41.860 situation as dramatic explosive and tumultuous as the situation that we've been in all right um
00:12:48.200 so you know i'd made a number of videos uh discussing a sort of uh return to christianity
00:12:56.060 um but here's what you have to understand my history with this religion goes back to when i was
00:13:04.460 very very young um six or seven years old when i started to get taught like heavy theology heavy
00:13:11.500 doctrine you know not just the jesus loves me this i know stuff it was the heaven and the hell it was
00:13:17.440 the end times it was you know it was sin and redemption it was heavy stuff you know and um you know
00:13:27.840 an early fear and guilt complex that i had acquired and whereas you know naturally speaking you know
00:13:36.460 when i when i am walking more according to what feels natural to me i sort of go towards the pagan
00:13:41.940 paths i've always been that way but then let everything in my life just completely come apart
00:13:46.880 and i've had a few swings back you know to christianity and it's obvious in retrospect looking
00:13:53.020 at it i'm like okay i'm seeking for what feels safe for what feels comfortable and for what feels
00:13:59.500 stable and certain and um you know a sort of a sort of path of dogma and rigid belief and rigid
00:14:10.420 obedience it seems to promise and provide some sort of normalcy some sort of stability um good lord
00:14:19.640 they are so loud i'm gonna try to make it through this this yapping is and the worst part is one of
00:14:25.760 my daughters is yapping right along with her for fun so it's you know double whammy going on right now 0.93
00:14:31.300 so um yeah so you know i had my swing back and yeah there were certain synchronicities that kind
00:14:40.520 of lined up that sort of led me that way but the thing is like i've had synchronicities go in a number
00:14:44.800 of directions um some of them contradictory you know some synchronicities seem to lead to one place
00:14:51.360 and other synchronicities seem to lead to another and so just the emergence of synchronicities does
00:14:56.140 not necessarily validate you know a truth claim it doesn't necessarily validate like yes i'm doing
00:15:01.400 the right thing yes i'm going down the right path um but you know i was brought into a state of real
00:15:07.700 crisis by all of this um everything was falling apart and i was just i was watching um family
00:15:15.920 connections friendships just completely crumble all around me and it just wasn't stopping and the
00:15:21.860 dividing line was getting really serious so like the whole family is split right down the middle at this
00:15:27.660 point um with some of them kind of joining the chorus of naysayers and slanderers you know people
00:15:34.480 that should know better or people that should have been willing to set this aside for the sake of
00:15:38.740 family and they didn't do that and um you know shame on them for it there's nothing i can do about it
00:15:45.260 and i was regularly watching my wife get very upset a lot of pressure was being brought to bear on her
00:15:51.380 and you know every new video every every new statement of sheer honesty was being again brought up
00:15:59.240 it down halls being you know thrown at her and the drama just would not stop and it just continued
00:16:05.400 and continued and just in the interest of um not seeing my wife crumble just just for a minute to
00:16:14.660 have some reprieve some relief from from all the ugliness i decided you know this is a good time for
00:16:20.740 me to quiet down let me quiet down because people who hate me have been watching every video and i'm
00:16:27.420 sure they'll watch this one too my god you people have no life and um i'm sure they'll watch this
00:16:33.080 one too and i'll probably hear about it or something they have nothing better to do they have no lives 0.99
00:16:37.560 it's very obvious but i mean months later and i'm still dealing with bullshit you people have no life 0.87
00:16:42.800 you have obviously no life you need to get one and it needs to not involve me at all 0.89
00:16:48.460 but whatever so you know all this stuff brought me to a point of crisis
00:16:53.880 of searching for a place of safety and comfort of searching for something that would feel stable
00:16:59.720 and carved out and you know something that i feel like i could sink my teeth into and rely on
00:17:06.080 you know there's something about the pagan paths and the mystic paths that don't
00:17:10.100 that don't always offer that kind of rigidity and that's sort of one of the things that makes it appealing
00:17:16.980 and yet sometimes when you find yourself in a crisis
00:17:19.820 you find yourself sometimes wanting to to reach for something that feels more solid even if it's an
00:17:26.120 illusion and that's kind of what i dealt with you know and so i i came out with a story and i came out
00:17:34.940 you know with a profession of faith and i came out saying like look i'm gonna go in a different
00:17:40.920 direction with this and i don't know if i'm fighting the right fight but you know since then i've had a lot
00:17:46.840 of people still reach out to me i've still had people donating to me and expressing um concern
00:17:53.900 but also expressing appreciation for the things i did for the things i said and for kind of having
00:17:59.200 the balls to say it they they appreciated that a lot and you know for that reason i i feel like
00:18:06.320 almost obligated to speak almost obligated to share my thoughts and to say you know here's where i'm at
00:18:14.240 here's what's going on you know in particular there's this uh one guy who at least goes by the
00:18:19.820 username of n-word snowman it's really funny i'm pretty sure he's being funny n-word
00:18:26.540 it's spelled e-n-w-o-r-d but there's no way like n-word doesn't mean like nigger it has to mean that 0.99
00:18:34.100 anyway he's been donating to me like outrageously generously um i could have never anticipated it 0.98
00:18:41.540 i woke up this morning to find another donation and i was just like all right fuck it i need to 0.72
00:18:46.100 sit down and make a recording if i'm still gonna have people writing in with words of support and 0.94
00:18:50.360 i'm still gonna have people donating and shit like i need to say something um to toss a line out there 0.92
00:18:57.480 and to say hey you know i still exist hey yeah i'm still a shameless berg and i'm still shameless 0.85
00:19:03.980 and i'm still not sorry you know for anything i've said or done you look back on anything i've
00:19:09.700 never said sorry and i'm not going to because i'm not sorry all i've ever done is just spill my
00:19:14.940 thoughts share how i feel about things how i see them and how i arrived at that perspective
00:19:19.460 and it turns out that you know i was singing the tune of a lot of people and and i was saying what a
00:19:26.520 lot of people are thinking or feeling and i know i didn't realize that it would be that way
00:19:31.380 i didn't i i figured that some people would appreciate the honesty they would appreciate that
00:19:36.260 i just didn't realize that it would seemingly speak for so many people and that that put me
00:19:42.140 in a really interesting position and it's kept me in a really interesting position because it again
00:19:48.540 it's kind of created a sense of almost obligation to continue on you know even after this lull and
00:19:55.720 look growth is hard you know on rumble it's hard and i know i was on x a bit for as well uh i was on x
00:20:03.760 as well for a bit you know and um i had to leave it's just being on there was too toxic
00:20:10.900 it was keeping me too angry like not to to like a not useful extent of angry there's a certain level
00:20:18.660 of anger that i need to bring to creating this content because there's a clarity that comes with
00:20:23.700 it like here this is really how i fucking feel about this thing so there were times i would get 0.80
00:20:28.540 myself a little amped up and angry on purpose before recording because i knew that like all right the 0.90
00:20:33.080 honest rant will come out of me in this headspace but the problem on x though is just my god you 0.98
00:20:38.980 were just swimming in a sea of just it's a cesspit and it's just so ugly and there's so much shit on 0.98
00:20:45.080 there all the time that just makes you i mean for me it makes me like murderously angry and um you 0.96
00:20:52.880 know there's an extent of that that becomes kind of unhealthy and so i just made the decision i just
00:20:58.260 need to leave so i deleted my x account i stepped away deleted um accounts in most other places as
00:21:05.540 well you know i kept rumble open because i figured well i definitely will come back out and say
00:21:10.760 something eventually um so i left that and you know i still have my buy me a coffee but it's like i don't
00:21:19.160 even have it posted anywhere and i've still been getting some donations i'm like you guys are great
00:21:23.260 i mean seriously you know i haven't been spamming it i haven't even had my own old content posted i
00:21:29.340 where are you guys coming from you know i mean i guess i made a difference in your world and i
00:21:34.920 appreciate that i appreciate that i somehow made a difference in your world and that what i did here
00:21:40.520 mattered um to someone it means a lot it really does but yeah it's been a hard time
00:21:48.860 and so you know and and i've been going to church here recently with my family and like there's some
00:21:56.700 really good people there and they've been good to us and they've been a strong um support during this
00:22:03.100 time when i say support look don't don't twist me here these people don't really agree with all my
00:22:08.200 views i don't need them to that's not the point the point is that you know these people are quality
00:22:13.940 enough and big enough in heart to be there for us you know during the time when being there for us
00:22:21.240 was to incur drama and wrath upon yourself and so i i appreciate that and um but you know it was after
00:22:30.260 after going to church a few times um i enjoy it it's it's nice um i just i started to realize that my
00:22:39.740 disconnect with it all it's still there you know the problems that i've raised before like in some
00:22:44.860 of my earlier christian question videos those problems are still there you know and in no amount
00:22:50.580 of running away made those problems disappear no amount of trying to shut my ears and say la la la la
00:22:58.060 and forget all the evidence that i've seen you know um it didn't make that disappear and you know
00:23:05.560 sooner or later once the the haze of of a return to old-time religion once the haze passes and the
00:23:12.940 dust settles you realize that every issue and every question and every inconsistency and every
00:23:19.940 objection that you ever had it's still there and uh furthermore i started to realize i'm sure some of
00:23:28.180 them are gonna watch this whatever hey guys um i'm just this is just my honest thoughts okay take him
00:23:34.620 um i'm not gonna answer for them right you can tune in or you cannot tune in and what i have to say
00:23:43.220 about it starts and ends here like i don't have to unpack or explain anything to anyone but it was
00:23:49.180 after a few services and like the subject of nigerian christians kept coming up and like the persecution 0.85
00:23:54.760 that they're going through and all of that stuff and that's bad you know religious persecution it sucks 0.92
00:24:00.980 it's not it's not nice it's not friendly and believe me i am no friend of islam not not a bit 1.00
00:24:06.060 um and so to that extent yeah i feel bad but on the other hand i just like nowhere in my heart did i 0.91
00:24:13.760 make myself able to care about nigerians i don't care and i just realized that like damn i don't care 0.80
00:24:20.760 i'm trying to care they want me to care we're praying about caring and i don't care i'm trying and 0.55
00:24:28.780 i can't and i don't care and i just realized like look i really just do care about my people
00:24:34.880 it doesn't mean i literally hate everyone else but when i've always expressed this sort of apathy
00:24:41.060 about other people it's still there and i realized that and i realized how unchristian that is and then
00:24:46.880 it brought me right back to one of my biggest problems with it it's that i'm not universal okay i'm
00:24:52.740 not a universalist because i don't i can't bring myself to care about all people groups equally
00:24:58.080 you know just in the name of a universal creed like christianity i can't make myself care i don't
00:25:06.220 care i don't care i'm not cheering on their persecution i don't actively want them to be being
00:25:12.020 you know persecuted and abused and all that stuff i don't want it's ugly right i don't want that
00:25:18.060 but am i heartbroken over it no because i don't care about nigeria i don't care about nigerians 0.91
00:25:24.520 i just don't and and nothing can seem to change that and it got me thinking more broadly like yeah
00:25:30.660 i mean this is still the universalist program it's still the universalist faith it's still a
00:25:35.920 universalist church and that's just how it is and christianity is inherently that way except for a
00:25:41.420 couple of strange mutations like christian identity or whatever or british israelism
00:25:47.260 you know these these other approaches they try to center you know white people kind of at the
00:25:53.200 middle and say well no this is a racial religion and it's all around israel identity and the true
00:26:00.720 israel people are like you know it's either the british or it's more inclusive like more forms of
00:26:06.260 european are also part of it and i just was never i was never convinced of those doctrines i looked into
00:26:13.340 it and i was like eh i don't think so i don't think so and i've never been persuaded by that
00:26:18.400 so that leaves me with look it's a universal religion okay and i'm not a universal person
00:26:25.820 at all and i'm not going to feel bad about it like i don't feel bad about it and i know that some would
00:26:32.700 be like that's something that you need to repent of i can't i can't i care about my own
00:26:38.680 i care about my people above all you know and i feel like too many of our people don't
00:26:45.440 and like we need any help with that you know the rest of the people groups they don't really care
00:26:50.740 about us either they don't care about our fate and our future and so who else is supposed to care
00:26:56.860 who else is supposed to stand up for us and to take a decisive stance but in order to actually stand
00:27:02.420 up for us you can't stand up for all people it's not all samesies it's not all equality and uh you
00:27:08.960 know it may be that you know in christ there is neither june or greek and so on and so forth but
00:27:14.560 like in my world there's definitely different people groups and all those differences really
00:27:19.400 matter to me and again it doesn't mean i hate everybody but these differences matter and these
00:27:25.960 differences are such that i think that you know we should be separate and you know separatism of
00:27:32.720 some some form at the very least and okay that might hurt some people's feelings but i think i think
00:27:38.600 it's a greater evil for me to throw away the fate and destiny of my own people which is my own
00:27:46.600 offspring and their offspring and future generations to trade that in for some sort of utopian universalist
00:27:53.860 pipe dream because under that pipe dream my people disappear they disappear and will be bred out and
00:28:01.280 they won't exist anymore and am i okay with that you know just because of a universal doctrine i'm not
00:28:08.220 and i can't make myself be i don't feel it and uh it's i had myself a funny moment so i was in church um
00:28:20.280 it was christmas eve right excuse me it was christmas eve there was like a candlelight service
00:28:27.320 and it was nice i mean it was scenic it was nice um and they played this video though and in the video
00:28:34.500 you know it was this black dude talking and he was telling the story of christmas or whatever
00:28:38.500 meanwhile i'm sitting here knowing that the origin of christmas is actually like germanic heathenry
00:28:43.280 and all of these adornments and the wreaths and the trees and the shiny things and all the lights
00:28:48.860 and the gift exchange customs and all that comes from germanic heathenry it all comes from my ancestral
00:28:54.380 folk traditions and they've sort of been retrofit for you know christian purposes and so when people
00:29:01.640 say jesus is the reason for the season i'm just like well you know even going by the gospel account
00:29:06.200 uh he almost certainly was not born during december and this winter festival has literally
00:29:12.620 nothing to do with him it has nothing to do with them so for me it's just a winter festival it's a
00:29:17.440 natural festival and it harkens back to my ancestors right and so to me it is a quintessentially very
00:29:24.760 white holiday even if we've sort of retrofitted it with this uh universalist creed it's still a very
00:29:31.180 very white holiday and so i'm sitting there they're playing this video and it's a splat guy talking
00:29:36.140 my brain my brain just wouldn't let me sit with it like all i wanted to do was laugh and i'm trying
00:29:43.400 to keep quiet and but my brain's just like it's the christmas nigga look at that it's the christmas 0.92
00:29:49.100 nigga you know what i'm saying i'm saying i'm trying so hard to not crack up sitting in church 0.99
00:29:55.200 but i kept my quiet but of course when i got home i told my wife i'm like look bear with me here but
00:30:01.220 when they played that video i was like it's the christmas nigga she shook her head and kind of 0.98
00:30:07.380 chuckled at me a little bit um but i couldn't help it i'm just like okay well i'm pretty sure the
00:30:14.980 people here wouldn't be too appreciative that like that was my response to seeing that video
00:30:19.440 and i couldn't help it i literally couldn't control it i couldn't it's just it's just in there
00:30:25.960 right as much as i don't care about nigerians i couldn't take it seriously this black guy telling 0.95
00:30:30.740 me the christmas story and he's surrounded by all these you know christmasy adornments and
00:30:36.560 and um decorations and all the lights and the garland and the the wreaths and the tree and all this
00:30:43.340 you know incredibly germanic stuff and i'm just like yes christmas nigga tell me about this holiday 0.85
00:30:48.380 christmas nigga tell me all about it that's how i felt you know so 0.80
00:30:55.320 and i know some of you are thinking you're white you can't say that well i just did
00:31:00.420 you know you can't tell me i'm the wrong color to make a small mouth noise that's what speech is
00:31:05.600 they're small mouth noises and you're not going to tell me i'm the wrong color to make one i'll make
00:31:09.840 whatever small mouth small mouth noise i uh that i please you know i've always done that and sure i've
00:31:17.520 paid a tremendous price for doing it but i'm still going to do it right even if it offends people 0.99
00:31:22.300 because fuck your offense get over it you know grow up get over yourself get a life move on 0.99
00:31:30.860 you know i'm 38 years old and i'm old enough to look back at uh when i was in school and people 1.00
00:31:39.280 tossed around all kinds of words but you think i didn't get called a faggot when i was a kid we all 0.96
00:31:44.780 did and guess what i had to like pick up and just carry on and move on with my life and you know not 0.98
00:31:51.620 try to just completely ruin someone's life over it but you know now it's like i'm 38 and a bunch
00:31:57.640 of fully grown adults can't handle just a little offensive word yeah i wish you could see yourselves
00:32:07.240 like i wish you had the capacity for genuine self-reflection so that you could understand how 1.00
00:32:11.820 ridiculous you are and how petty and spineless and weak you are and because you are and you know 0.99
00:32:20.300 if you feel personally addressed and you feel like the shoe fits then wear it you know um this is a 1.00
00:32:26.180 general statement because it applies to a lot of people and i don't even know all their names or
00:32:29.860 faces i just know that it applies to a lot of people and so yeah if you're taking it personally
00:32:33.800 then take it take it personally then you know wear it if it fits so i just kind of wanted to leave
00:32:42.580 that out there i know people you know watch me going you know to and fro and swinging back and
00:32:48.680 forth and they were like wow you're kind of all over the place yeah i was kind of all over the place
00:32:55.720 because my life was kind of all over the place you know everything was blowing up completely and things 0.93
00:33:01.420 were fucking chaos and you know shit was being divided up and crumbling and going crazy and it was 0.99
00:33:08.540 explosive and it just had me being like fuck just give me some normalcy give me something give me 1.00
00:33:14.180 some glimmer of hope give me some sense of a light at the end of the tunnel let me grab on to something 0.99
00:33:22.020 that makes me feel like it's gonna be okay and so you know how to swing back to that old-time religion
00:33:29.680 of my youth made a video about it you know some people liked it a lot of people didn't and i understand
00:33:36.180 like i've had uh most of my messaging up to this point has included um either small or extensive
00:33:43.960 and sometimes scathing criticisms of christianity and so for me to come out and make a message like
00:33:50.540 that and people some people were like what others were applauding it like yay you know so happy to see
00:33:56.300 you know but a lot of people are like what are you what are you doing like and they're like why are you
00:34:02.480 going back into cognitive dissonance and i can't remember who said that to me but it stuck with me
00:34:09.760 because here's this person they listened to a lot of my content they heard my reasoning they listened
00:34:14.560 to also my criticisms of christianity and they liked what i had to say and how how i said it they liked
00:34:21.280 the points i raised and i think that they knew that i knew better and and they thought man what a shame
00:34:29.400 you know and they're like you're a bright guy you know you're a bright guy you're sharp why why are
00:34:34.800 you going back into cognitive dissonance and the truth is i didn't really have a good answer
00:34:40.620 um i understood where he was coming from but i didn't have a good answer
00:34:46.120 and because i was sort of acting on impulse i was acting on you know what i felt was spiritual guidance
00:34:53.620 kind of tugging me in a certain direction and feeling like i was supposed to respond to that call
00:34:58.840 and so as always it was something i was trying to do something genuine and sincere um i meant what i
00:35:06.440 was doing even if it was inevitable that in just a few weeks time um the smoke would clear and i'd
00:35:13.640 start to be like okay what what am i doing what have i done so i find myself now in the odd position of
00:35:20.760 all right well uh fundamentally that's just not working for me i can't i can't do it you know
00:35:30.180 even with a really solid grasp with the bible and the ability to speak really good christianese
00:35:35.880 i don't know if you've heard that term christianese it's the ability to speak and sound like
00:35:42.420 a knowledgeable and experienced christian yeah um i've got that down pat if i really want to do it
00:35:50.100 and you know there's times when i've done that and meant it meant it completely and there's been
00:35:55.540 times where it's been performative where i know what to say and you guys know that i know how to
00:36:00.620 how to phrase things in a compelling way if i want to um and that's just as much true in that arena as
00:36:08.300 it is in this one and but you know beneath it all i have to sit by knowing like okay you know but
00:36:16.540 there's this hole in that doctrine and there's this problem with that and there's this historical
00:36:21.920 fact over here that kind of you know flips that on its head oh and by the way that christmas tree
00:36:27.260 that you have sitting there that's literally from pagan customs but sure let's just pretend like it's
00:36:31.440 not um just all this stuff and it would just constantly just jump out at me in my face like you
00:36:37.640 know this you know this you know this and you have to just bury it and not talk about it and just lie
00:36:41.960 to yourself and don't have the conversation because i've tried to have the conversation many times in
00:36:46.860 the past and it doesn't work out okay it does not work out so i kept quiet and so i've just kind of
00:36:55.200 been sitting with myself and and thinking and processing and trying to sort through things
00:37:01.300 trying to sort through a lot of real wreckage um because there's stuff that's happened and gone on
00:37:07.700 that i haven't told the internet about you know in the past few months i haven't told everything
00:37:12.340 just some highlights it's been really ugly you know and it seems to be like little by little dying
00:37:20.240 down some who knows maybe me having the nerve to make this video again will just bring it flaring back
00:37:26.220 up and you know reignite the whole thing but as it is the whole all the drama has lasted far longer
00:37:32.400 than i even had the youtube channel i had the youtube channel for 75 fucking days 75 days 0.98
00:37:37.620 and you know we're pushing the start of a new year um and still drama has followed all this time
00:37:47.920 all this time for months and i'm just like my god you people just need to let it go already
00:37:55.560 it's um it's awful so to that extent i would also like to rate this community one out of ten on the 0.99
00:38:02.340 free speech scale okay one out of ten uh you guys have been really pieces of shit when it comes to 0.99
00:38:09.180 free speech you have you've been unbearable you've been insufferable and you have been um small town 1.00
00:38:16.840 nightmares right i mean everybody talks about some of the downsides of a small town everybody knows
00:38:23.100 everybody and everybody knows everything blah blah blah blah blah you know what a lot of what they know 0.99
00:38:26.800 is a bunch of fucking lies and slander spinning yarn and gossip backbiting false accusations lies all 0.99
00:38:34.160 this stuff that's what they really know because they don't care to know anything they don't care to 1.00
00:38:41.220 know the truth and they don't care to look any closer they'd rather just have their d-jerk reactions 0.98
00:38:46.360 and run off with their little narrative run around town and keep that shit going so yeah uh this 1.00
00:38:53.020 community one out of ten on free speech fuck you guys um except some of you are cool you know you 1.00
00:38:59.920 know who you are but by and large holy shit and so you fucking progressives are out of your mind if 1.00
00:39:05.820 you think that you're unsafe in a place like this no you're not you're not unsafe in a place like this 1.00
00:39:11.260 you can come out here and be trans and have your little you know rainbow flags and your and your 0.99
00:39:17.400 commie fucking politics and you can have all this stuff and be fine yeah maybe you get a little 1.00
00:39:22.760 shitty look now and then you know maybe if somebody's daring enough they might call you a 1.00
00:39:27.620 faggot or something like that but that's about the extent of it are they going to try to burn your 1.00
00:39:32.180 life down over it fuck fuck no you know um so in a community like this yeah you you could raise a 1.00
00:39:38.900 pride flag if you want you can raise a trans flag if you want but you know holy hell let's say if i were 1.00
00:39:44.160 to raise a swastika flag or something i mean it would be game over it would be absolutely game over
00:39:50.460 um just like it has been game over just to have uh my videos get some local exposure so this whole
00:39:58.060 idea that you know people out in areas like this are naturally sympathetic to people like me it's 0.95
00:40:02.980 just poppycock it's complete bullshit so don't buy it um i i'm thoroughly thoroughly disillusioned and 0.88
00:40:11.240 disabused of that notion all right so they're not on my side that's for sure and i'm not on theirs 1.00
00:40:16.580 that's fine you know you guys have been some real bitches you've been some some bastards some 1.00
00:40:21.860 bitches and some faggots for sure and oh no words you don't like hurtful words this shit i'm talking 1.00
00:40:29.860 right now the stuff i'm saying was like the locker room banter of 20 years ago and yet we just had to 1.00
00:40:36.840 keep carrying on with our lives and somehow you people just can't do it so whatever but i just
00:40:44.100 wanted to address my audience and just sort of let you know where i'm at um i'm kind of just doing my
00:40:49.800 own thing and sorting through stuff on my own terms thinking through my thoughts and um
00:40:56.660 and in trying to achieve uh some some inner peace and stability again you know where i'm not just
00:41:04.680 clutching for what feels safe and comfortable uh just out of a flashpoint of crisis and that is
00:41:10.920 exactly what happened is that this crisis you know it threw me into what i call a religious trauma
00:41:16.060 cycle the religious trauma cycle is it's got to do with some of the psychological traumas that came
00:41:22.600 with really heavy indoctrination from the time i was young and indoctrination that got um multiplied
00:41:30.000 exponentially uh in my teen years and throughout my 20s um reinforced and magnified exponentially by a lot
00:41:37.640 of people that were around me and it sort of just drove that complex further and further into my
00:41:42.720 mind and so anytime things would be in a real shake-up the trauma cycle would re-emerge and my
00:41:50.520 brain would go you know maybe god's punishing you maybe he's bringing everything down to put you in a
00:41:55.380 state of desperation to bring you to your knees as you finally do what he wants and all this stuff
00:41:59.340 is where my brain goes or has gone you know historically uh these episodes last for you know
00:42:07.200 a long time and this time it was rather brief i just haven't really said anything about it
00:42:11.700 because i needed to sort through some things and i needed to know where i stand what i'm doing and
00:42:16.900 where i'm going so so as far as that goes i guess for me not a lot has changed you know i've always
00:42:24.240 kind of been on the more um nature-based path and that's my that's my natural inclination that's where
00:42:30.640 i go to when i'm being real you know when i'm being actually true to myself and when i'm actually
00:42:37.380 listening to my own spirit and um and and following where i'm really being led and that's where i go the
00:42:47.860 nature-based religion the pagan religion or whatever that's where i go that's where i've
00:42:54.600 remained and um it was for years leading up to this whole situation i didn't have any of those
00:43:00.920 religious trauma episodes any of those religious trauma cycles none of that popped up because i guess
00:43:07.060 nothing had been dramatic enough there hadn't been upheaval substantial enough to bring me to a place
00:43:13.880 of uh evoking that sort of pattern that trauma cycle all over again so you guys saw that in real
00:43:22.440 time you know you saw that happening in real time and i lost some friends i lost some support and that's
00:43:28.320 okay i was just being real you know i've always just wanted to be real that's the whole point
00:43:33.020 nothing less and um so that's what i did and maybe i was too real or too open or maybe i should have
00:43:40.300 shut up and maybe i should have just processed all of it by myself but the problem is that the stuff i
00:43:45.780 was going through was going to end up affecting my messaging it was going to end up affecting the
00:43:50.520 direction i went in and in order to be honest with myself and consistent with where i was standing
00:43:55.380 um you know i kind of had to catch my audience up and be like here's where i'm at and here's the
00:44:01.260 effect that i might have that that might have on my messaging on my content um so rather than just
00:44:08.040 keeping up an act um and violating my own conscience through dishonesty i just had to put
00:44:14.740 it out there and i did so with with no small measure of trepidation and again it was not very
00:44:22.380 well received by a lot of people and that's okay and there's some people that probably never going to
00:44:28.500 talk to me again well that's all right farewell there was one person in particular um let's just call
00:44:37.480 her a 156 okay and we'd been friends for a few years and um well she took this all very personally
00:44:45.360 let's say my my swing back to back to christianity back to old time religion she took it very very
00:44:52.940 personally as a very personal affront as a sort of betrayal um in a sense and i certainly didn't
00:44:59.400 mean it that way i understood where she was coming from but that's not where my heart was at
00:45:04.100 okay it wasn't a sense of betrayal it was just me trying to respond and react to where i found myself
00:45:13.300 and you know unfortunately that means uh i've probably lost a good friendship with this person
00:45:20.020 so hello 156 i hope you're doing well uh and i know you very well may never talk to me again
00:45:30.220 and that's okay it's fine i still wish you well all right um but you of all people would understand
00:45:38.620 from our extensive discussions that that you had also dealt with uh religious trauma cycles you had
00:45:44.200 also dealt with kind of swinging back and forth between two worlds a lot and in fact in our discussions
00:45:50.420 it made it clear to me that you understood this better than anyone that i had ever known
00:45:54.180 and so when this happened um my hope was that you would be able to kind of reflect back on some of
00:46:01.660 some of what we discussed and reflect back on some of your own history and your own experiences
00:46:07.000 and that you would uh maybe be a little slower to completely cut cut me off right i'm i'm not upset
00:46:17.180 with you or offended it's just i think it's a shame you know it sucks but whatever you know i do wish you
00:46:23.980 well whatever you do and i don't i don't take it too personally i just think it's a shame right
00:46:29.700 because it's this hiccup that i experienced and that was after you know like four years of knowing
00:46:34.900 each other and then getting to know each other i had this hiccup and you know like again lost some
00:46:42.340 people that's all right it's fine so i know i've been kind of dragging on for a while this is going to
00:46:50.360 be a really simple um unedited video i'm not going to sit here and do jump cuts and put music and all
00:46:56.440 that other shit i don't have time i don't have the will i just wanted to get on camera and just be very 0.84
00:47:01.500 candid and very real with you so if you've listened this far i appreciate it and um you know for those 0.94
00:47:09.200 of you that have kind of hung around and stuck with me thank you and you know i'm sure that this
00:47:15.280 video is furthermore going to upset some people uh again because of the meandering and the swinging
00:47:21.260 back and forth and all that shit and i know i seem like i'm all over the place but that's some of why 0.83
00:47:25.580 i just explained i tried to supply an explanation some context for why it's been like that you know 0.83
00:47:32.020 it's not just because you know i'm just pure crazy or something it's not it's not because of that 0.95
00:47:36.540 it's just some deep-rooted shit that got stoked and provoked by everything that has happened 0.53
00:47:43.020 so i hope that that at least makes sense you know so often my intent here has just been 0.96
00:47:48.960 does it at least make sense i mean even if you agree or not you know even if you like it or don't
00:47:55.620 does it at least make sense so my hope is that this will make sense to you so um i don't know when the
00:48:04.100 next time i'm going to upload will be i don't know what i'm going to be talking about um i do know
00:48:09.260 that i'm not done talking i know that i'm not done sharing my thoughts sharing my mind i gotta
00:48:15.000 have an outlet man i really do and i know people have tried to take this outlet from me and i'm not
00:48:20.240 going to let them but um you know for the time being it's like i don't even have the will or the
00:48:25.600 drive to do some of my usual commentary because i've just been so exhausted and i'm just trying to
00:48:31.700 get my head clear and also to watch some drama die down i i want to watch it die down enough to 0.96
00:48:40.200 where it just loses steam and when i come back out guns blazing tough shit you know drama over you can 0.88
00:48:47.360 deal with it you can love it or hate it but it is what it is so um hopefully that clears up the rest 0.75
00:48:55.180 of the way i'm definitely going to speak my mind some more and i'm not done and so for those of you
00:49:01.980 who have stuck with me along the way i appreciate that you know to loyal followers and friends and
00:49:08.800 to these random people that have been so kind and donated to me so generously i've been rather
00:49:14.920 astounded by that and never really could have expected it but i am very appreciative and i'm
00:49:20.420 grateful so thank you and thanks for lending me your ear if you listen this far i'm at like
00:49:26.120 50 minutes just about now so you guys uh you guys take care i'll try to upload some time again
00:49:34.180 uh here soon all right take care