Stay Free - Russel Brand - HOLY SH*T! Your Tax Dollars Funding War Machine REVEALED! - #122 - Stay Free With Russell Brand

00:00:00.000 Outro Music.

00:00:18.000 In this video, we're going to...

00:00:19.000 In this video, you're going to see the future.

00:00:30.000 Hello there, you Awakening Wonders.

00:00:32.000 Thanks for joining us on Rumble 4.

00:00:34.000 Stay free with Russell Brand.

00:00:36.000 I'm of course joined by my on-screen assistant over there, Mr. Gareth Roy, who, whatever he costs us, is worth every penny.

00:00:44.000 Can you say the same about the military-industrial complex, who costs you I'm not even going to tell you.

00:00:49.000 Stay with us to learn how much and how many days a week you work for the military-industrial complex.

00:00:55.000 Incredible story.

00:00:57.000 When we flip over to being exclusively on Rumble, because we're probably on YouTube now, right?

00:01:00.000 Twitter, Elon, Citadel of free speech, YouTube.

00:01:04.000 I'm like Dr. John Campbell, baby!

00:01:07.000 Dr. John Campbell.

00:01:08.000 Where's he gone?

00:01:09.000 He's got a week holiday.

00:01:10.000 When they came for Dr. John Campbell, we said nothing.

00:01:13.000 When they came for...

00:01:15.000 PewDiePie?

00:01:16.000 I don't know, there was no one there.

00:01:18.000 I don't know, you get the idea.

00:01:19.000 He's an obvious conspiracy theorist, just look at him.

00:01:21.000 Look at the way he talks.

00:01:22.000 He wants nothing more than to spread vile hate speech.

00:01:27.000 That Dr. John Campbell, a dedicated medical professional.

00:01:31.000 When we get over to being exclusively on Rumble, we're going to reveal to you that shielding didn't even work.

00:01:36.000 But before we get into today's array of glorious content, would you like to see the leader of South Korea singing Bye Bye Miss American Pie by Don Vincent to Joe Biden, and then would you like to see why he's doing that?

00:01:51.000 In your mind, while you're watching this spectacle, there seems like something that's tumbled from the mad mind of Terry Gilliam or I don't know.

00:01:59.000 Who's the Australian one that I think of?

00:02:01.000 Not Australian. 1.00

00:02:03.000 Argentinian.

00:02:03.000 I'll tell you in a minute when I come out of the back of this.

00:02:05.000 When you're watching this, think, why is this weird thing happening?

00:02:09.000 And then we'll show you why this weird thing's happening.

00:02:11.000 Look, imagine if this was happening and you were there, South Korean. 0.97

00:02:15.000 President, or whatever he is, king, leader, I don't know what they have in South Korea.

00:02:18.000 President, that doesn't matter, does it?

00:02:20.000 It's not really in charge, because if you were really in charge, you wouldn't be doing this, would you?

00:02:23.000 If you're actually in charge of your life, you wouldn't go, you know what I'm going to do?

00:02:26.000 I'm going to sing Bye Bye Miss American Pie down at old Joe Biden.

00:02:31.000 What did I say?

00:02:31.000 By Don McLean.

00:02:32.000 Vincent, I think.

00:02:33.000 Yeah, because I was thinking of, I should have told you, Vincent, this world was never meant... Well, you're always thinking about that.

00:02:40.000 I'm always thinking about it.

00:02:41.000 So I think every time I'm depressed, I'm probably Van Gogh.

00:02:46.000 And if only Don McLean were here to chronicle that similarity.

00:02:50.000 But there you go, he's not done it so far.

00:02:52.000 All right, let's have a look at this weird thing on this weird planet that we're living on and we've got some other interesting weird stuff to tell you.

00:03:02.000 Of course we have, we always do.

00:03:03.000 Check it out.

00:03:05.000 A long, long time ago I can still remember how that music used to make me smile The idea, I suppose, is that everything's sort of fun, and everything's alright, but everything's not alright.

00:03:21.000 Yeah, we're all pals, we're allies, we're mates, and this is what we do.

00:03:25.000 We're humans!

00:03:26.000 At the White House.

00:03:27.000 Yeah, and they are sort of humans, I'm not saying they're not humans, I've not gone that far, but I am saying that is, like, this is not what we need to be focusing on right now, with escalating tensions all over the globe, and American ...institutional system that means that the military-industrial complex can bypass democracy and is continually doing so.

00:03:49.000 This isn't what life is.

00:03:52.000 Well, this is actual theatre.

00:03:53.000 I mean, we use theatre as a metaphor quite a lot, but I mean, it really is.

00:03:56.000 It's karaoke.

00:03:59.000 And now I knew he fed my chains, that I could make those people dance.

00:04:05.000 This song because it's American Pie.

00:04:08.000 You don't even get to the chorus. It's like, as you know as well, this is a long song.

00:04:12.000 Too long in some ways, isn't it?

00:04:14.000 If someone picks this as karaoke, that's a narcissist.

00:04:17.000 Right.

00:04:18.000 And I'm gonna pick this or Hey Jude or something.

00:04:21.000 No, no.

00:04:22.000 Ten minutes later.

00:04:23.000 92nd Elvis at Sun Records.

00:04:25.000 That's what I want from you.

00:04:26.000 Just a jaunty little freight train number and then get out of here.

00:04:30.000 Not nine minutes of this mad indulgence.

00:04:30.000 Yeah.

00:04:32.000 Joe Biden pumping the same fist that he uses to declare that he beat Big Pharma this year when the price caps introduced won't meaningfully impact the profits of the same pharmaceutical companies that are granted indemnity that settle out of court for figures that dwarf Foxy's payment, and were you aware how much Facebook have just paid for an out-of-court settlement?

00:04:52.000 Similar figure.

00:04:53.000 I haven't heard it anywhere.

00:04:54.000 We've got so much to tell you, but more important than that is the king of South Korea singing a record by Don McLean.

00:05:03.000 Maybe they'll be happy for a while February made me shiver With the paper I deliver Bad news on the doorstep I couldn't take one more step Never liked that rhyme.

00:05:22.000 More step doorstep.

00:05:23.000 Always thought, come on Don.

00:05:25.000 Just can't use step twice.

00:05:27.000 You can't do door step more step, that's step step.

00:05:29.000 Also isn't this song about how... Sounds really like we're really getting into the criticism of this song.

00:05:36.000 I love Don McLean.

00:05:37.000 It's a great song.

00:05:38.000 And in a minute we're going to be talking about the escalation of tensions between China and the United States.

00:05:44.000 We're going to be talking about sort of spy planes and all sorts of stuff.

00:05:48.000 But now I want to make the point that I feel like this song was about Elvis Presley's emulation of Buddy, Holly, and stealing the image of James Dean, that's literally in the lyrics.

00:05:58.000 So I suppose in a sense it's about how commodity overwhelms authenticity.

00:06:03.000 Nice.

00:06:03.000 And in a way that is what's happening right now.

00:06:06.000 I can't remember if I tried, would I?

00:06:10.000 Rather boweries with old bride Something touched me deep inside 0.96

00:06:17.000 The day the music died I'm not sure if that's a really good thing.

00:06:31.000 But I don't think it was that good.

00:06:32.000 And look at what immediately subsequently occurred, perhaps as a result, is it?

00:06:37.000 Biden to send nukes to South Korea!

00:06:39.000 What is all this about?

00:06:40.000 Why are these guys even meeting?

00:06:41.000 Oh, what it is, is we're sending nuclear weapons to another country that has escalating tensions with a nearby nation that similarly have nuclear weapons.

00:06:52.000 It's like X Factor.

00:06:53.000 You don't go through to judges' houses, but you do get to get nukes.

00:06:56.000 That's good.

00:06:57.000 I like that joke.

00:07:00.000 I'm glad they don't do that on actual X-Factor.

00:07:03.000 Now, who do you want to nuke?

00:07:05.000 We're going to arm Harry Styles with these missiles.

00:07:12.000 I don't think he's going to need that.

00:07:13.000 He's dangerous enough as he is, just with his charisma.

00:07:16.000 Very sexy lad, as a matter of fact.

00:07:19.000 Meanwhile, Russia has accused Ukraine of trying to kill Putin. 0.97

00:07:23.000 They've tried their very best to kill him.

00:07:25.000 Have they succeeded?

00:07:26.000 Let's have a look.

00:07:28.000 There's some drones, weren't there?

00:07:31.000 Ukraine's saying they're not going to talk about that.

00:07:32.000 We don't want to talk about that, mate.

00:07:34.000 The USA are in talks to establish military bases in Finland.

00:07:37.000 That's a bit worrying, actually, that one, because isn't that another country that shares a border with Russia?

00:07:43.000 Certainly does, Ross.

00:07:44.000 800-mile border with Russia.

00:07:46.000 What could possibly go wrong?

00:07:48.000 What have they got against Russia?

00:07:50.000 I remember when I was a kid, Cold War, we were happy to put it behind us.

00:07:53.000 Do you think if you were Finland and when you were invited to join NATO, you just thought, oh great, we're part of the gang, it's because they like us, they all like us, we're great, good for the Finnish!

00:08:02.000 And then they go, right, we're now going to have to build bases on the border of Russia.

00:08:05.000 Do you know what this is?

00:08:06.000 When I was 16, I moved into a flat, uh, apartment with some older lads, and I thought, finally, Russell, you're hanging with the popular kids.

00:08:12.000 Right.

00:08:12.000 They just sent me to the shops all the time to buy the cigarettes and stuff.

00:08:15.000 It's a terrible advantage of me.

00:08:17.000 Yeah, I was Finland!

00:08:17.000 Yeah.

00:08:18.000 Did you not stick up for yourself?

00:08:20.000 No, because they was cooler than me.

00:08:22.000 Much cooler, much tougher.

00:08:23.000 So you were just happy to be in the gang?

00:08:25.000 Maybe once in a while someone would be like, maybe I'll be happy for a while.

00:08:29.000 Once in a while someone would ruffle my hair.

00:08:31.000 I'd feel pretty good about that.

00:08:32.000 That would do for me.

00:08:33.000 Yeah, maybe that's what NATO will do to Finland.

00:08:36.000 One time they tricked me, hey Finland, one time they tricked me into taking a hallucinogen Oh, yeah, they tricked you, did they? 0.99

00:08:42.000 Oh, sure.

00:08:43.000 Well, yeah, they did, actually, because they... Like, there's some hallucinogens, and I... They're paper hallucinogens.

00:08:49.000 Okay.

00:08:50.000 And they all went, oh, we're taking these hallucinogens, but their ones was all paper.

00:08:54.000 My ones was actual hallucinogens.

00:08:56.000 That was a trick.

00:08:56.000 So, like, one thing you don't want to discover while on hallucinogens, a couple of hours into it, Drugs Are Bad, Don't Do Drugs, is, uh... Your friends are traitors?

00:09:03.000 No, your friends are...

00:09:05.000 Wait a minute, I'm having this realisation! 0.97

00:09:07.000 My friends are traitors!

00:09:08.000 Also, the self is a construct and I am the witness consciousness that is observing this persona. 0.94

00:09:13.000 But mostly, my friends are traitors!

00:09:15.000 Also, do not put a military base in front of- Wait, I'm seeing a flash from the future!

00:09:19.000 Don't do it!

00:09:20.000 Don't do it!

00:09:21.000 I tell you what, on the theme of traitors, the amazing thing about that South Korea thing, and obviously, sing an American pie, then we'll give you nukes, is that the US, through those Pentagon leaks, the US has been spying on South Korea.

00:09:32.000 So, kind of traitors, you could say.

00:09:35.000 What, they're spying on their own mates?

00:09:36.000 That was one of the things that... So all the time, that guy's, like, trying his best to muddle through... I wonder what he'll sing.

00:09:36.000 That's right.

00:09:41.000 We know what he'll sing.

00:09:42.000 We've been spying on him.

00:09:43.000 We've been watching him.

00:09:44.000 He's been rehearsing American Pie for ages. 1.00

00:09:46.000 Think it's rubbish. 0.99

00:09:47.000 But look how he does the chorus. 0.94

00:09:48.000 So, bye-bye... No, stop it before he gets to that.

00:09:51.000 Just start applauding when he gets to the chorus.

00:09:53.000 I don't need to see that stuff.

00:09:54.000 We watched him practicing in his pants with a drone, and it was embarrassing.

00:10:00.000 Hey listen, if you're watching us on YouTube or if you're watching us on Twitter, we're going to disappear right now, not in a Dr. John Campbell way, in a kind of, like, we're just not going to be on this anymore because we've got to tell you this story.

00:10:12.000 Remember shielding?

00:10:13.000 Remember how shielding was important, right?

00:10:16.000 Well...

00:10:17.000 It's another one of those things.

00:10:18.000 We're not gonna tell you about it yet, we're gonna tell you about it in a second.

00:10:21.000 Plus, you're gonna wanna see how many days per year do you think, let me know in the chat, how many days a year do you think you work for the Military Industrial Complex?

00:10:30.000 One?

00:10:31.000 Would one be too much?

00:10:32.000 Thought you didn't work for them, did ya?

00:10:33.000 Oh no, no, I work for, I've got an ice cream van, I'm a small businessman, I'm a painter and decorator!

00:10:38.000 Well...

00:10:39.000 For a significant number of days a year, you're working for the military-industrial complex, but you're not receiving the profits.

00:10:44.000 You're providing them.

00:10:45.000 It's a crazy old world.

00:10:46.000 Definitely no way we could change it, though.

00:10:48.000 Let's leave it exactly as it is.

00:10:52.000 Okay, so if you're watching this anywhere but Rumble, click the link in your description right now.

00:10:59.000 Gareth, shield yourself, for heaven's sake.

00:11:02.000 It'll definitely work.

00:11:04.000 Here, you're safe now.

00:11:05.000 Do you feel shielded?

00:11:06.000 Yes.

00:11:07.000 It doesn't do anything.

00:11:07.000 A new study has shown you and us, and all of us really, that shielding was not underpinned by any evidence.

00:11:14.000 It was sort of made up at the time and implemented.

00:11:17.000 That's literally how they govern countries.

00:11:19.000 They make stuff up.

00:11:20.000 Right.

00:11:21.000 What if people just chilled?

00:11:22.000 It sounds like a good word.

00:11:23.000 It's connected to the Avengers.

00:11:25.000 Sounds like the sort of thing people should do.

00:11:27.000 Yeah, all right, try it.

00:11:28.000 Right, does it do anything?

00:11:29.000 No, it bloody well doesn't.

00:11:30.000 So as the days pass and as we sort of gradually forget the horrors of the last couple of years, the wealth transfer, the small businesses that were crushed, the lives that were lost, the medications that were taken with perhaps undue inquiry and perhaps without due trial... Allegedly!

00:11:49.000 We learn that yet another thing was completely unnecessary and made up.

00:11:54.000 Also, this just in.

00:11:57.000 I've been worried about that guy.

00:11:58.000 Where's he been?

00:11:59.000 Where's he been?

00:11:59.000 The mad thing about this study, and obviously it was only one study, although 120,000 people nearly, is that the COVID rate was higher among those shielding than people who didn't.

00:12:09.000 5.9% for people who shielded, 5.7% of people who didn't.

00:12:13.000 Shielding's actually worse for you?

00:12:14.000 Well, I guess that... Not only nothing... All studies can be skewed in certain ways, but I mean that, you know, that is...

00:12:20.000 Studies can be skewed in certain ways, can't they?

00:12:23.000 Of course they can.

00:12:23.000 That's what they do with them.

00:12:24.000 Do you know that I've read something about clinical trials once, as you know I'm an investigative journalist, and they said they just keep doing trials until they get the result that they want.

00:12:31.000 They're under no obligation to provide all of the information across the trials.

00:12:34.000 They just go, this one went well.

00:12:36.000 Not everyone does clinical trials, Russ.

00:12:38.000 What's with all them dead mice over the corner?

00:12:40.000 Don't worry about them.

00:12:40.000 They've been there ages.

00:12:43.000 Eight of them.

00:12:44.000 Eight mouses?

00:12:45.000 Well it was eight wasn't it?

00:12:46.000 Wasn't that the number that um...

00:12:48.000 We've tested this booster shot from Moderna on over eight, well not over eight mouses,

00:12:52.000 eight mouses.

00:12:53.000 It is eight.

00:12:54.000 Somewhere in the region of eight mouses.

00:12:56.000 Eight mouses and it, they're still alive, well not that one, but most of those, look

00:13:01.000 at their little tiny mouse hearts, they seem to be doing fine.

00:13:04.000 Okay, perhaps it's... Have you ever thought how you're personally affected by the might and rise of the military-industrial complex, an institution so powerful that is a de facto tyrannical force in American politics, whether you vote Republican or Democrat, you're gonna end up funding Raytheon, Lockheed Martin, etc.

00:13:23.000 Well, you personally pay for their profits, and it certainly makes me a little more sceptical skeptical about the motivation for these ongoing wars,

00:13:31.000 these forever wars that we're engaged in.

00:13:33.000 But what I think is truly, truly galling is to personally appreciate the amount of days

00:13:41.000 and the amount of money that you are personally contributing.

00:13:43.000 Guess now in the chat, guess how many it is.

00:13:45.000 Time now for Here's the News.

00:13:47.000 No, here's the effing news.

00:13:49.000 Here's the news. 1.00

00:13:52.000 No, here's the fucking news. 1.00

00:13:55.000 Taiwan! 1.00

00:13:56.000 Taiwan to have a war with China?

00:13:58.000 It's gonna cost ya!

00:13:59.000 But think of the military-industrial complex!

00:14:01.000 They'll make a fortune!

00:14:02.000 From you!

00:14:05.000 We've got a fantastic story for you today.

00:14:07.000 You know Taiwan?

00:14:08.000 Oh yeah, sort of, a bit.

00:14:09.000 Is that where the semiconductors come from?

00:14:11.000 Yeah, semiconductors come from there.

00:14:13.000 They're necessary for everything now.

00:14:14.000 Well, obviously, as you're aware, the USA are beginning to subtly agitate for conflict with China over the issue of Taiwan, which they will ultimately package as some sort of humanitarian disaster where they say, we've got to stand with Taiwan.

00:14:27.000 What?

00:14:28.000 We care about Taiwan!

00:14:29.000 We care about Taiwan!

00:14:31.000 Do you also care about money?

00:14:32.000 Let's just make sure that this is not another one of those wars where you pretend it's a humanitarian disaster and a bunch of people make money.

00:14:38.000 Just because, you know, with that other war you did do that.

00:14:41.000 And I mean every single other war.

00:14:44.000 Of course the mainstream media can be relied on to give us a fair and balanced perspective on a complex situation which could lead to Armageddon.

00:14:52.000 Taiwan makes their own judgments about their independence.

00:14:55.000 We are not moving, we're not encouraging them being independent.

00:14:59.000 We're not, that's their decision.

00:15:01.000 But would U.S.

00:15:02.000 forces defend the island?

00:15:03.000 Yes, if in fact there was an unprecedented attack.

00:15:06.000 So unlike Ukraine, to be clear sir, U.S.

00:15:10.000 forces, U.S.

00:15:11.000 men and women, would defend Taiwan in the event of a Chinese invasion?

00:15:16.000 Yes.

00:15:16.000 Well firstly, as you know, there are US troops in Ukraine.

00:15:20.000 They just lie about that and when someone reveals it they say, he's probably a pervert! 0.66

00:15:25.000 Fine, perhaps he is. 0.97

00:15:26.000 Let's say he definitely is.

00:15:27.000 Now, have you been lying about this war?

00:15:29.000 Yeah, like we always do.

00:15:31.000 Let's get this straight then.

00:15:32.000 If you thought Ukraine versus Russia was bad, and it is, particularly for the Ukrainian people, then this will be Worse than that.

00:15:39.000 So let's all think about this.

00:15:41.000 Is that something that you want?

00:15:42.000 Is that something you've been consulted about?

00:15:44.000 Or do you think it's more likely that some hysteria will be whooped up?

00:15:48.000 There'll be a moment of jingoism and patriotism where we sort of can't think straight that the cost of this will be economic and human and environmental, that people will Die!

00:15:57.000 Because we're deliberately distracted from those hard truths in order that the military-industrial complex can profit.

00:16:04.000 As you know, the American financial model requires war in order to survive.

00:16:10.000 That's a simple, plain fact.

00:16:12.000 And do you know where the money comes from?

00:16:13.000 You! 0.99

00:16:14.000 It comes from actual you. 1.00

00:16:16.000 That's why the mainstream media have to report on this like it's a program for idiots. 1.00

00:16:19.000 Because, as you know, an idiot is what they think you are. 1.00

00:16:22.000 President Biden last fall saying for the first time that if China invades Taiwan, the U.S. 1.00

00:16:27.000 would send troops to defend it.

00:16:29.000 What was that in the election pledge, by the way, when we were talking about, you know, oh, bloody Donald Trump, let's make sure that people are able to be who they are, stuff I actually obviously agree with.

00:16:38.000 And also, we'll probably try and find a way to have a war with China and all. 0.93

00:16:41.000 I didn't say that, did I?

00:16:42.000 Oh, we had no idea.

00:16:43.000 Did you, though?

00:16:44.000 It's an invasion many experts predict could happen in this decade.

00:16:48.000 Woo-hoo! 1.00

00:16:49.000 While my children are still young!

00:16:51.000 We got a fascinating inside look this week.

00:16:54.000 Oh, yeah, it's fascinating.

00:16:56.000 I love a good look at how we're going to march our people into war. 0.74

00:16:59.000 And could you tell us who's going to pay for it, by the way?

00:17:01.000 Who's going to pay for it?

00:17:02.000 Because I see that we're not getting to vote for it.

00:17:03.000 That's fine.

00:17:04.000 You decide.

00:17:05.000 You're so much better and cleverer than us.

00:17:06.000 But when it comes to the money, where's the money going to come from?

00:17:10.000 Because it is a game.

00:17:13.000 War with China.

00:17:17.000 Oh, this is a bit of fun.

00:17:18.000 How about this little game where you chop off your own hand and eat it?

00:17:21.000 Oh, this is brilliant.

00:17:22.000 Oh, it tastes like chicken.

00:17:24.000 In the sky, on the sea, China staging combat exercises.

00:17:29.000 Bloody China staging combat exercises. 0.97

00:17:31.000 It's almost as if they feel under some sort of external pressure.

00:17:34.000 Almost as if there's an aggressive nation building military bases all around them or something.

00:17:39.000 Something like that.

00:17:39.000 No, it's probably not that.

00:17:40.000 It's probably just bloody China. 0.98

00:17:41.000 They're different from us. 1.00

00:17:42.000 They hate their own kids. 1.00

00:17:43.000 They're monsters. 1.00

00:17:45.000 A show of force. 0.77

00:17:46.000 A warning that a potential blockade of Taiwan could be coming.

00:17:51.000 The Chinese army even releasing this simulation of how they'd attack the nearby island.

00:17:57.000 Releasing a simulation?

00:17:59.000 That's much worse than actually encircling a country with real life, not a simulation, missile bases.

00:18:06.000 A self-governed democracy that China claims as its own territory.

00:18:11.000 We love democracy!

00:18:12.000 Stop claiming other places as yours!

00:18:15.000 And don't make a comparison like saying that the deal that Zelensky's made with BlackRock means that ultimately, in a peculiar way, it's being economically colonized and new opportunities for globalist corporations amounts to a type of colonization.

00:18:28.000 That's totally different!

00:18:29.000 Look at Trump!

00:18:30.000 Boo! 0.83

00:18:31.000 Boo! 0.83

00:18:31.000 Different than us! 0.83

00:18:32.000 But on Capitol Hill this week, lawmakers staged their own simulation.

00:18:38.000 Oh, Feng's a bloody simulation.

00:18:39.000 A simulation of democracy.

00:18:41.000 It's certainly not about playing frivolous games.

00:18:44.000 No, not playing frivolous games.

00:18:46.000 Not with your life and your tax dollars.

00:18:48.000 Or is it?

00:18:48.000 China committee chairman Mike Gallagher and ranking member Raja Krishnamurthy set up the exercise with the Center for New American Security.

00:18:58.000 This game is going to be a Chinese invasion of Taiwan set in 2027.

00:19:03.000 What I don't like about this is that these things have a tendency to actually happen.

00:19:07.000 Let me know in the chat in the comments how many times you've noticed, oh what would happen if there was a pandemic?

00:19:12.000 What would happen if China invaded Taiwan?

00:19:14.000 What exactly do we know right now about their mobilization effort?

00:19:18.000 Members from both sides of the aisle coming together, politics set aside.

00:19:24.000 Oh, peace and harmony, peace and harmony to come together for a profitable war.

00:19:30.000 Have you noticed that when it comes to matters of domestic progress, they are always mired in intransigent muddles.

00:19:37.000 Oh, we can't get this through.

00:19:38.000 Oh, that bill got blocked when it comes to helping people or making America a better place.

00:19:41.000 Suddenly there's a war on the horizon.

00:19:43.000 Let's go!

00:19:44.000 Everyone's together!

00:19:45.000 That's not like skipping through the meadows holding hands, I'd like to buy the world a Coke.

00:19:49.000 That's corruption!

00:19:50.000 That's because both sides are funded by the military-industrial complex.

00:19:53.000 Both sides know that war is good for business! 0.88

00:19:56.000 The business of America requires war! 0.98

00:19:59.000 This is war!

00:20:00.000 War with China!

00:20:01.000 That you're paying for!

00:20:02.000 There's Virginia Republican Robert Whitman and Massachusetts Democrat Jake Auchincloss.

00:20:08.000 One day, people will come together, Republicans and Democrats, to have a war with China.

00:20:14.000 Oh yes, I have a dream.

00:20:16.000 The members taking on the role of advisors to the president.

00:20:20.000 What if we communicated to expats and students from China?

00:20:24.000 This is part of what you get to decide.

00:20:26.000 That's Stacy Pettijohn, a senior fellow from CNAS.

00:20:30.000 It is a bit of a frivolous game.

00:20:31.000 With, like, people being called Gamesmasters.

00:20:33.000 Why don't they wear, like, Dungeons and Dragons outfits and stuff like that? 0.92

00:20:37.000 Oh no, my orc's been kicked in the nutbag by your wizard boy! 1.00

00:20:41.000 Oh, come on now. 0.98

00:20:42.000 Gotta roll a couple of sixes. 1.00

00:20:44.000 Those trolls are real sons of bitches. 1.00

00:20:46.000 You mean the Chinese. 1.00

00:20:48.000 Acting as the Game Master.

00:20:50.000 Now remember, this is not a frivolous game.

00:20:52.000 Now let's all decide who we're gonna be.

00:20:54.000 I'm gonna be a dwarf.

00:20:55.000 I should be a giant.

00:20:56.000 And I'm gonna be Lockheed Martin!

00:20:58.000 Hmm, good decision.

00:20:59.000 Retired General Mike Holmes is playing the role of Chairman of the Joint Chiefs, laying out to members what military options there are.

00:21:07.000 After debating how the U.S.

00:21:09.000 should react, lawmakers took a vote, announcing their move.

00:21:13.000 Oh, which way will it go?

00:21:15.000 Which way will it go?

00:21:15.000 Should we consult the American people?

00:21:17.000 Do they want to spend $1,000 each on another potentially unnecessary war?

00:21:21.000 What will democracy deliver now?

00:21:23.000 It's a nail-biter.

00:21:24.000 We will be standing with our friends in Taiwan.

00:21:27.000 We have forces in the region.

00:21:29.000 Gotta stand with Taiwan. 0.91

00:21:31.000 Oh, you're not standing with Taiwan.

00:21:33.000 Don't you care about Taiwan? 1.00

00:21:34.000 You traitor. 1.00

00:21:35.000 You dirty traitor. 1.00

00:21:36.000 No, it's just I was wondering, like, if, like, anyone's going to make any... 0.99

00:21:40.000 What you said there, that's against Taiwan.

00:21:42.000 Did you hear that? 0.92

00:21:43.000 I bet you're also probably racist, are you? 1.00

00:21:45.000 And a homophobe. 0.99

00:21:45.000 Because that's what it is if you don't like Taiwan! 0.99

00:21:47.000 Quick, get the money! 1.00

00:21:48.000 Get the money!

00:21:49.000 That our preposition were surging forces in the region.

00:21:52.000 Surging forces?

00:21:53.000 This is not meant to be a frivolous game.

00:21:55.000 Surging forces, people pretending to be generals, games masters, orcs.

00:21:59.000 I added the orcs.

00:22:00.000 We are also prepared to impose maximum economic pressure in the event of an invasion, including sanctions against most major Chinese banks. 0.90

00:22:13.000 Also, why are they bothering to have like this stupid Dungeons and Dragons but actual wars, when what they're basically doing is exactly what they did with the Ukraine-Russia conflict?

00:22:22.000 Well, we'll start off with sanctions, then we'll impose NATO pressure, and then we'll make a load of money. 0.93

00:22:27.000 Also, this time, we get to have a neat little game.

00:22:29.000 I'm gonna wear a robe.

00:22:30.000 I've got a scepter.

00:22:32.000 But wait a minute.

00:22:33.000 Chinese authorities, played by CNAS staffers, quickly counter, surging troops, forcing a communications blackout in Taiwan, and banning exports of electronic goods to the U.S.

00:22:47.000 So that means we're going after companies like Apple, Dell, HP.

00:22:51.000 You want a new iPhone?

00:22:53.000 Guess what?

00:22:53.000 You're not going to get it.

00:22:56.000 She's really committed to the part of Chinese Betty.

00:22:59.000 You want a new Apple iPhone?

00:23:00.000 Well, guess what?

00:23:01.000 You're not gonna get it.

00:23:02.000 Yeah, I'm not actually as worried about my iPhone as I'm worried about a nuclear missile striking the American mainland.

00:23:08.000 Well, good luck taking a selfie of you with that mushroom cloud because you're not gonna get it and you won't be printing it out on a Dell printer neither because we're stopping all of that.

00:23:16.000 I love this game!

00:23:18.000 Lots of questions, lots of lessons.

00:23:21.000 It was remarkable to see all of you there working together.

00:23:24.000 Yeah, it's lovely, isn't it, really?

00:23:26.000 I mean, people talk about politicians and how we're just in it for ourselves, and we're just selfish, profiteering pigs who primarily care about what we're going to do after we leave Congress, and as is the case in one in five Congress people, trading in stocks and shares that we regulate.

00:23:39.000 But you just give us the task of practising a war that's going to drain the American people and potentially damage the lives of everyone on the globe, and look at us come together as a team.

00:23:48.000 I promised myself I wouldn't cry.

00:23:50.000 It's not a view we often get.

00:23:52.000 We see you in hearings, we see you on TV, but this is a group that is really working together.

00:23:58.000 We're trying to.

00:23:59.000 And again, ultimately, we're hoping to generate creative ideas that can pass this Congress for what we can do to enhance deterrence.

00:24:07.000 What that basically is, that's someone who's on the select committee for policy on China saying that they'll agitate for war.

00:24:12.000 This is that stuff you always see, right?

00:24:14.000 Like this guy, you think he don't get lobbying money from Raytheon, Lockheed Martin, Norfolk Grumman?

00:24:19.000 So in the event that you want to do a war game, Mike Gallagher, representative of Wisconsin, Would you say that there should be a war?

00:24:26.000 And let me remind you, wars are those things where we sell military equipment.

00:24:30.000 Oh, I don't know.

00:24:30.000 Would I say that there shouldn't be a war because it would cost American taxpayers a lot of money and, like, a war is a bad thing?

00:24:35.000 No, Mike.

00:24:36.000 You say there will be a war.

00:24:38.000 Oh, I get it now.

00:24:40.000 I say there will be a war. 0.72

00:24:41.000 Now get out there, onto that Congress Select Committee, and represent the American people.

00:24:46.000 And see if you can get along with those Democrats.

00:24:48.000 You guys are so different.

00:24:50.000 Our hope is by doing something different, we generate more member engagement and more member ideas.

00:24:54.000 There's obviously lessons learned from Ukraine. 0.98

00:24:56.000 We all made a fucking fortune. 1.00

00:24:58.000 And the only people that died were Ukrainian. 1.00

00:25:00.000 And I ain't Ukrainian.

00:25:01.000 So sad, but meh.

00:25:03.000 One of them was, the U.S.

00:25:05.000 intelligence certainly believed Russia would be moving in.

00:25:09.000 Yeah.

00:25:10.000 But really off the mark in terms of the power of Russia and the power Yeah, no one could have predicted that Russia are good at wars. 0.60

00:25:23.000 Russia ALWAYS are good at wars! 1.00

00:25:24.000 Have you heard of this little thing called HISTORY?

00:25:31.000 It's nothing about the intelligence community not to trust.

00:25:33.000 Like the CIA, recent revelations, or historic revelations, or agitating for wars, potentially causing coups that lead to wars.

00:25:40.000 Gotta trust those guys, right?

00:25:41.000 I think you have to just prepare for the worst and hope for the best.

00:25:45.000 I think that's just the way that we have to approach this scenario.

00:25:48.000 Yeah, well that's actually something you could get off a Christmas cracker or out of a, ironically, a Chinese fortune cookie, although they'll probably be brand any day soon.

00:25:55.000 But hope for the best, prepare for the worst.

00:25:56.000 That's what you learn from your war games.

00:25:58.000 This isn't like, you know, what to do going on holiday with someone you don't get on with that well anymore.

00:26:03.000 This is a potential global conflict.

00:26:05.000 Well, you know, stitching time saves night, red sky at night, shepherds delight.

00:26:09.000 Oh good, that'll help us when missiles start landing in Delaware and Wisconsin.

00:26:13.000 Good luck talking to the people that voted you in.

00:26:15.000 And that is what they are doing.

00:26:16.000 That's what they're doing.

00:26:17.000 That's the news.

00:26:18.000 And that is what they're doing.

00:26:20.000 That over there, what I just showed you.

00:26:22.000 Thanks for watching.

00:26:23.000 Okay, let's get some more details on this crazy crackpot world.

00:26:26.000 Washington, we're incessantly told, is paralyzed by a climate of brinkmanship and polarization.

00:26:31.000 That has indeed been the case in many areas over the past few years.

00:26:35.000 When it comes to defense spending, however, none of the usual rules of politics seem to apply.

00:26:39.000 Yeah, it's because they have rehearsals in collaborating when it comes to enacting the will of the military-industrial complex.

00:26:44.000 We just saw them rehearsing.

00:26:45.000 Though unable to find common ground elsewhere, Democratic and Republican lawmakers invariably forget their differences whenever the Pentagon is involved.

00:26:53.000 Despite preaching fiscal restraint on social expenditure, the economic conservatives who dominate both parties have never met a military budget they consider too large or demanded that cruise missiles be subject to a work requirement before they vote yay.

00:27:06.000 Yes, it's interesting, isn't it?

00:27:07.000 When it comes to distribution of resources domestically, like healthcare or education, no, no, no, no, no, that's communism.

00:27:14.000 But it's your exact same money that's going to the military-industrial complex.

00:27:18.000 That's sound business.

00:27:19.000 This is very reliable.

00:27:20.000 50% of all All military spending ends up not with the military, not with the troops, not with the brave men and women that fight for America, that are willing to lay down their lives, Raytheon, Lockheed Martin, Boeing, those guys.

00:27:32.000 As Stephen Semler of the Security Policy Reform Institute put it back in 2021, roll call votes on military spending reveal that there are considerably fewer deficit hawks or fiscal conservatives in Congress than reported by mainstream media outlets, if any at all.

00:27:47.000 The Pentagon's bloated and ever-expanding budget undermines American democracy, not only because it never receives the same scrutiny as other government spending.

00:27:55.000 I wonder why that is?

00:27:56.000 Let me know in the chat and the comments if there could be a reason for that.

00:27:58.000 Why do they keep failing audits?

00:28:00.000 Why do both parties vote in line with more military expenditure?

00:28:04.000 We saw it with Ukraine and we've just seen from the rehearsals that you're going to see the same thing in next World War. 0.99

00:28:09.000 But because it ultimately funnels so much money away from essential and social public goods, as a new report released by the Institute for Policy Studies, IPS, makes vividly clear.

00:28:18.000 Published annually on tax day in collaboration with the National Priorities Project, the Institute's analysis examines American income taxes in relation to military and security spending to show just how much of the average person's tax bill is going to the likes of cluster bombs rather than hospitals or schools.

00:28:34.000 Its findings are staggering.

00:28:36.000 This year, the average American taxpayer paid $1,087 just for Pentagon contractors alone.

00:28:42.000 A sum representing 21 days of work for the average person and four times what they contributed to K-12 education.

00:28:49.000 That's $270.

00:28:50.000 Isn't it interesting that our attention is continually drawn to cutbacks in education and healthcare But every single one of you, or at least the average taxpayer, paid over $1,000 directly to the Military-Industrial Complex, working on average 21 days for the Military-Industrial Complex.

00:29:06.000 Bear that in mind on those 21 days, particularly if you're doing a job that you're not enjoying.

00:29:11.000 Let me know in the chat in the comments, like, it's good I'm doing this for Raytheon and Lockheed Martin.

00:29:15.000 Does that seem right to you?

00:29:16.000 Does that seem fair?

00:29:17.000 Does it seem like it's something you should be consulted about and asked about?

00:29:20.000 Or do you trust your government enough to allow them to make that decision with your money for you?

00:29:26.000 They also paid approximately $74 for the maintenance of nuclear weapons.

00:29:29.000 An average taxpayer gave $298 to the five largest military contractors,

00:29:34.000 while only $19 went to programs concerned with mental health and substance abuse.

00:29:38.000 Mental health and substance abuse, even if you're not directly affected by it, will affect your community.

00:29:43.000 It will affect your life, even if it's not a member of your family or you yourself.

00:29:47.000 You're living in an environment where people are sick and addicted to drugs, in part because of how miserable and desperate the world is, but also because the resources are being directed elsewhere.

00:29:56.000 A significant number of the people that are suffering from addiction issues are suffering because of the opioid crisis.

00:30:01.000 And you know who caused that.

00:30:03.000 It's been legally proven that it was caused by the pharmaceutical industry.

00:30:06.000 And guess what?

00:30:07.000 They got a whole bunch of your tax dollars.

00:30:09.000 Other people suffering from mental health problems will be war veterans from wars caused by, oh, guess what?

00:30:14.000 These people.

00:30:14.000 You're funding the decline of your own communities, and no one's asking you whether or not that's what you want.

00:30:21.000 Let me know in the chat and comments how you feel about that.

00:30:23.000 Lockheed Martin, incidentally a major air polluter, received $106 from the average person's income tax contribution, while a mere $6 went to renewable energy.

00:30:32.000 $106 for Lockheed Martin?

00:30:32.000 From all of us?

00:30:36.000 I don't know about that, man.

00:30:37.000 I don't know if that's what I want.

00:30:38.000 As part of the study, the IPS also offers an interactive tool showing how money currently going to the military might otherwise be spent.

00:30:45.000 These results are also staggering.

00:30:47.000 For just 10% of what America spent on militarization in 2021, it could have funded 660,631 registered nurses.

00:30:53.000 Aside from the 666.

00:30:54.000 I love that.

00:30:55.000 Registered nurses instead of missiles.

00:31:01.000 This is the world we live in.

00:31:02.000 This is the world we live in.

00:31:04.000 We can make it different.

00:31:05.000 We can change it.

00:31:06.000 8.8 million units of public housing.

00:31:08.000 How are you getting on?

00:31:09.000 Can you afford your housing?

00:31:10.000 Is your rent high?

00:31:11.000 Can you afford to get on the property ladder or on major organisations buying up all the property in your country?

00:31:17.000 Feel the Lockheed Martin money?

00:31:18.000 Is it like... Oh, there it goes!

00:31:21.000 I'm glad I worked those 21 days!

00:31:23.000 Let me know how this system's treating you.

00:31:25.000 The system that doesn't allow you to vote for it, and when it does allow you to vote, just does what it wants because, as you just saw in that exercise, both parties, when it comes to the crunch, are going to do exactly the same thing.

00:31:34.000 Or 1.69 million jobs paying $15 per hour with benefits for an entire year.

00:31:40.000 But people talk a lot about Roosevelt's New Deal, where people that weren't working went to work in national parks, building the America that you love.

00:31:47.000 What kind of America do you want for the next generation? 0.84

00:31:50.000 One where people are building community assets?

00:31:52.000 Or one where everyone's in a mad war with China in 2027?

00:31:57.000 Which ain't that far off.

00:31:58.000 Ain't got a watch, couldn't get the semiconductors.

00:32:00.000 A mere 1% could have salaried approximately 81,000 elementary school teachers over the next 12 months.

00:32:06.000 Faced with numbers like these, it's hard to not think about the more generous and humane society that might exist if the institutions of America's government were less captured by the military-industrial complex.

00:32:16.000 The United States currently spends more on its military than the next nine countries combined, the majority of which are allies.

00:32:22.000 Yeah, but they could turn against us at any time.

00:32:24.000 A big gang of nine.

00:32:25.000 So let's spend more of that and give it to Raytheon, et cetera.

00:32:28.000 And then we'll have wars with those once we've done China and Russia. 0.91

00:32:31.000 I'd like to see them all game that out.

00:32:31.000 Brilliant.

00:32:33.000 Then where are you going to get your croissants from?

00:32:33.000 Oh, yeah?

00:32:35.000 And your red wine?

00:32:36.000 Or your steak and kidney pies from the UK?

00:32:38.000 Or your bratwursts from Germany?

00:32:41.000 We actually don't need any of that stuff.

00:32:42.000 And even a 10% cut to its military budget would leave it far ahead of all other countries in total military expenditure.

00:32:48.000 Wow.

00:32:49.000 Since the late 1970s, American politics have been dominated by a strand of fiscal conservatism that views taxes as evil and the state as a quasi-illegitimate body that skims from the wealth ordinary citizens earn.

00:33:00.000 There are many problems with this argument, but it's especially difficult to take it seriously given that its proponents always seem to exclude military spending from the equation.

00:33:08.000 This is an important point.

00:33:09.000 If that argument is robust, if that argument is sound, then it has to apply to military expenditure.

00:33:15.000 I recognise the security of America is a significant subject for many of you.

00:33:19.000 But remember, where is this money going really?

00:33:22.000 Because if it was really going to the troops, who I'm sure we all support, why are they in significant numbers unable to afford food, shelter, and why are 11% of all homeless people in America veterans?

00:33:34.000 Let me know in the chat and the comments.

00:33:35.000 Considering how little scrutiny such spending receives, and considering that it continues to increase regardless of who's in power, ordinary Americans are effectively being forced to subsidize a bloated military bureaucracy to the tune of hundreds of billions every year, all while having zero say in the matter.

00:33:51.000 NPP's analysis comes just over a month after the White House released President Joe Biden's $1.6 trillion budget request for the fiscal year of 2024.

00:34:00.000 More than half of that amount, $886 billion, would go to the military.

00:34:04.000 Responding to the $886 billion request, NPP Program Director Lindsey Koshgarian said last month that this military budget represents a shameful status quo that the country can no longer afford.

00:34:15.000 Families are struggling to afford basics like housing, food and medicine, and our last pandemic-era protections are ending, all while Pentagon contractors pay their CEOs millions straight from the public treasury, Koshgarian noted.

00:34:27.000 A responsible budget would restore the Pentagon's spending to previous reduced levels from just a few short years ago and reinvest that additional money at home where we need it the most, she added.

00:34:36.000 So there you are!

00:34:37.000 The Democrats and the Republicans are coming together to rehearse a war with Taiwan that will cost you a lot of money and gain the military-industrial complex even more of your money.

00:34:48.000 You're already paying them over $1,000 a year.

00:34:50.000 Wouldn't you like to vote on where that money goes?

00:34:52.000 Wouldn't you like to hear alternative arguments for how that money could be spent?

00:34:56.000 Wouldn't you like to be in control of your own communities and lives, having decentralized democracies that are local to you, where you could have pride?

00:35:03.000 And meaning in your community.

00:35:05.000 Letting go of how other people want to run their communities, because let's face it, it's not our business how other people live if it doesn't affect us, is it?

00:35:12.000 But what is our business?

00:35:13.000 What is your money?

00:35:14.000 Is the way that the military-industrial complex is continually agitating for conflict in order to spend your tax dollars on wars abroad that it could be argued are nothing to do with you and wouldn't even be happening without their agenda being imposed on your nation.

00:35:30.000 But that's just what I think.

00:35:31.000 Let me know what you think in the comments below.

00:35:32.000 See you in a second.

00:35:33.000 Thank you for choosing Fox News.

00:35:35.000 Good day.

00:35:36.000 No. Here's the fucking news. 1.00

00:35:38.000 Brief hiatus and one or two barely noticeable changes. 0.99

00:35:41.000 Football is nice is back.

00:35:44.000 Football is nice.

00:35:50.000 Is football a microcosm and a lens through which we can analyse politics,

00:35:55.000 entertainment, general decline and entropy of our entire culture?

00:36:00.000 Tribalism? 0.56

00:36:01.000 Otherwise, unlike Joe Rogan's advice to me that you should do stuff that you authentically care about, we will experience a great drop off in viewing figures, but I urge you to stay with us.

00:36:01.000 I hope so.

00:36:11.000 For example, maybe you're a royalist who cares about the coronation.

00:36:15.000 New kings in town.

00:36:16.000 Literally a new kings in town and a new queen.

00:36:18.000 They kept that quiet.

00:36:19.000 But how do they feel up at Glasgow Celtic at the possibility of a new monarch and a coronation?

00:36:26.000 I bet they're well into it because the Scots, they love us.

00:36:29.000 They love England and they love kings, queens, all that.

00:36:31.000 But don't take my word for it.

00:36:32.000 Let's listen to them on mass chanting.

00:36:39.000 It's good, isn't it, really, because it's succinct.

00:36:53.000 You can just... It's good.

00:36:54.000 ...shove it up your arse. 1.00

00:36:55.000 You can't actually shove a coronation up an arse. 1.00

00:36:58.000 No. 0.99

00:36:58.000 Too many jewels. 0.99

00:36:59.000 Rough edges.

00:36:59.000 Too many jewels.

00:37:00.000 Yep.

00:37:00.000 All of it, but not one item of it.

00:37:02.000 Not the crown, not the sceptre.

00:37:04.000 Maybe some of his medals?

00:37:04.000 No.

00:37:06.000 Shove them up your arse. 1.00

00:37:07.000 You get them up there. 0.99

00:37:08.000 Well, I want to take this opportunity, actually, just to talk about their recent games and to give an overview of where the Premier League currently is.

00:37:16.000 After leading for the entire season, Arsenal are in a period of, not decline, but deterioration, would you call it?

00:37:26.000 Even though they beat Chelsea really well last night.

00:37:29.000 I don't know if it's decline.

00:37:31.000 I just think Man City are incredible and they've hit an amazing run of form.

00:37:35.000 Yeah, it's more like they're an unstoppable football force backed by a nation and inconceivable wealth.

00:37:43.000 And if you pay too much attention to it, the only conclusion that can be drawn is that like all things, football, entertainment, music, politics, everything has been completely and entirely corrupted by money.

00:37:55.000 And the only way you wouldn't pay attention to that is if you supported Manchester City or indeed Newcastle United, in which case you'd sort of go, oh this is actually brilliant, I can't believe how much fun this is.

00:38:04.000 sort of be willing to put aside the certain knowledge there's something deeply deeply unfair about this mad acquisition of players in particular Calvin Phillips who's just been purchased essentially watch other people play football while earning presumably a couple hundred grand a week front row seats to see some of the best players in the world When you watched Man City versus Arsenal round my house with your dinner on your lap, did you think that the players on the City bench, like Foden, would be so celebrated and adored at Arsenal that it might, on some level, be distasteful to be in that position?

00:38:42.000 And maybe that there should be some reshuffle?

00:38:44.000 And isn't it sort of weird that American sport, when America is so ultimately corporatised, has this peculiar socialism throughout its The draft system.

00:38:54.000 Amazing.

00:38:55.000 I know when you look at that bench of City and you look at what Arsenal have been able to do by bringing in Zinchenko and Jesus this year and the kind of impact that they've made to the Arsenal team and then you looked at the Man City bench and who they could bring on you thought what if they went to Arsenal what difference they would make but Man City can just bring them on switch out some other players amazing I mean There was all that talk earlier in the season, wasn't there?

00:39:20.000 Oh, Man City, they're not the same team.

00:39:22.000 And Haaland, he's not really working, is he?

00:39:22.000 They're just not.

00:39:25.000 Because about the whole ethos of the team, it's just not really working. 1.00

00:39:28.000 He's like, come on, you idiots! 1.00

00:39:30.000 Like, as if Pep Guardiola doesn't know what he's doing. 1.00

00:39:31.000 I mean, they're incredible.

00:39:33.000 They're absolutely incredible.

00:39:35.000 I've got a few things that I want to talk about.

00:39:37.000 These are my general observations accrued from paying attention to football over the course of the week.

00:39:41.000 Here they are.

00:39:41.000 Sort of like mad brown Billy Boots old style football shoes would score.

00:39:47.000 Sort of like he's travelling through time as well as travelling through distance.

00:39:52.000 I've got a few things that I want to talk about.

00:39:54.000 These are my general observations accrued from paying attention to football over the course of the week.

00:40:00.000 Here they are.

00:40:01.000 A lot of Liverpool players have big hair, like in history.

00:40:06.000 You'd have players like McDermott and Keegan that would have big hair, like a spate of big hair.

00:40:13.000 Haaland at a particular point during the game against Arsenal let his hair down.

00:40:18.000 It was actually sort of quite maddeningly erotic I thought.

00:40:22.000 It kind of was.

00:40:23.000 To see his tumbling golden tresses.

00:40:25.000 It's like sort of almost sexual.

00:40:27.000 It was kind of sexual.

00:40:28.000 It was like he'd taken some clothes off, but it was just letting his hair down.

00:40:31.000 He was literally letting his hair down.

00:40:34.000 Harland has sort of, he's like a modern mythic figure.

00:40:37.000 Because he's potent and powerful and beautiful, but isn't he somehow mechanical?

00:40:37.000 Yep.

00:40:44.000 Even before he came to City, when he used to do them interviews, he would be like monosyllabic, like binary language.

00:40:51.000 Like there's a bluntness to him, sort of a bluntness to his excellence.

00:40:54.000 When you think of like that he's being hailed as the new Messi, like the natural successor of the mantle of the world's best player.

00:41:01.000 That the previous one was like a small boy from Argentina, sort of slightly damaged, and his mischievous genius nevertheless, in spite of his diminutive size, blesses him and transports him across the world. 1.00

00:41:15.000 That the next incarnation of that for this age is this mighty Nordic cyborg with presumably a Thor's hammer-like cock. 0.95

00:41:25.000 Possibly the helmet More red than the usual man. 0.92

00:41:29.000 Right.

00:41:31.000 That's what you imagine, is it?

00:41:32.000 You know that purple dye was difficult to acquire back in old times.

00:41:36.000 Okay.

00:41:37.000 That's why purple is associated with regency and like royalness.

00:41:41.000 Right.

00:41:42.000 And helmets.

00:41:44.000 But Harland, my suspicion is there's a sort of a potent roaring redness to it. 0.99

00:41:51.000 I love just the thought of you making notes on football over the weekend and you know, oh Manchester City have won and this that and the other, they've regained top spot and Harland isn't he like a robotic Nordic And I wonder, I think he's probably got a more purple tip of his penis than everyone else. 0.99

00:42:07.000 It's just an amazing way that you get to that, I think. 0.97

00:42:11.000 Arsenal's, as you say, not declined, but inevitable, uh, um, what do you want to call it?

00:42:17.000 Surrender?

00:42:18.000 To the might of Manchester City.

00:42:18.000 Sure.

00:42:20.000 Many people highlight Rob Holding, the centre-back, who's replacing, what's his name?

00:42:24.000 Saliba.

00:42:25.000 Like, that he's the problem.

00:42:25.000 Yeah.

00:42:27.000 And it's, isn't it inconvenient that it's like his name is Rob Holding?

00:42:31.000 And he's a sort of a placeholder player.

00:42:31.000 Yeah.

00:42:33.000 Yeah.

00:42:33.000 And there was one bit where he was holding Haaland as well.

00:42:36.000 Unsuccessfully, yeah.

00:42:37.000 Couldn't hold on to him, even though his name is Rob Holding.

00:42:39.000 He can't even do that right!

00:42:41.000 Like literally your name.

00:42:43.000 Do you sometimes think that their names, like Pep has got this incredible vim and power and of course Arsene Wenger's name sounds a bit like Arsenal.

00:42:53.000 I think about it all the time and even Arteta sounds a bit like Arsenal.

00:42:56.000 And Klopp sounds a bit like cop.

00:42:58.000 Yeah.

00:42:59.000 And when Conte was manager of Spurs, I used to think even that has a certain, if you just change one letter, it describes Tottenham almost perfectly.

00:43:09.000 Sometimes like your name or some aspect of your identity is somehow informing your reality.

00:43:15.000 There's Kevin Keegan for those of you who didn't know.

00:43:18.000 Even though we know that American interest in the sport of football is in He's growing enormously because, mostly, of Wrexham.

00:43:28.000 I'm irritated by this for a number of reasons.

00:43:31.000 Firstly, Wrexham rhymes nearly with West Ham, the team I support.

00:43:35.000 That's one of the reasons.

00:43:36.000 Okay.

00:43:36.000 It's a bit of a stretch, but go on.

00:43:38.000 Yeah, it is a stretch, because the main reason is because it's like Ryan Reynolds, a Hollywood star, and his other mate out of Sunday in Philadelphia, own it, and I'm annoyed that that's happened.

00:43:48.000 Yeah.

00:43:49.000 And that it's been so evidently and obviously a triumph, a success.

00:43:55.000 Yeah.

00:43:56.000 And like our mate David Squires, the cartoonist for the Guardian, does a brilliant sort of football column.

00:44:01.000 He says, no, this is still a heartwarming story.

00:44:04.000 And I mean, look, I don't want to take the sort of fun out of it because of my own petty jealousies.

00:44:07.000 Should we, like, Wrexham, the club that I'm sure you're aware now, Ryan Reynolds and his mate from San Diego Philadelphia, got promoted to the Football League.

00:44:17.000 And here they are going around Wrexham.

00:44:19.000 🎵🎵🎵 They should have opened with that shot.

00:44:43.000 That's the sort of impressive shot for something that's happening in, like, Wrexham.

00:44:47.000 Not that I've spent a lot of time in Wrexham.

00:44:50.000 I, like, respect you.

00:44:51.000 And if you are in Wrexham, obviously you're enjoying this and it's fantastic and it's the best thing that's ever happened.

00:44:55.000 I mean, it's actual fairy tale stuff, isn't it?

00:44:57.000 You know, it's incredible.

00:44:58.000 When David Gold, God rest his soul, and David Sullivan took over West Ham, even though their money was made through the pornography industry, I said, this is good.

00:45:08.000 These guys are going to wank us back to the big time. 0.93

00:45:11.000 We're wanking all over the world. 0.96

00:45:13.000 I was sort of excited by it and everything. 0.69

00:45:15.000 But this is amazing.

00:45:17.000 It's Deadpool and everything.

00:45:18.000 And what about what a move getting Ben Foster, who's been a guest on this show, to come on.

00:45:23.000 It's only petty jealousy, and I know that petty jealousy is something I have to overcome.

00:45:26.000 I actually applaud Ryan Reynolds and Tom McHale.

00:45:30.000 Yeah, because the reality of it is, Ross, if you'd have done this... I'd be so happy.

00:45:35.000 Well, first of all, you'd be so happy, but would we have got to this point, or would there have been issues in week one of... What would they have been?

00:45:43.000 What is their kit like?

00:45:44.000 How should they have their hair? 0.99

00:45:45.000 I don't like that, Keita! 1.00

00:45:47.000 Is the tip of his dick purple enough? 1.00

00:45:49.000 I mean, there'd be so many things that you needed to... This is right back. 1.00

00:45:53.000 Exactly what Hugh do you imagine?

00:45:56.000 I've seen this sort before. 0.96

00:45:57.000 He's got a tight foreskin, I'll mark you. 0.99

00:45:59.000 Too tight. 0.99

00:45:59.000 I bet he can't even fully pull it back! 0.99

00:46:02.000 I'm going into the cold baths with those lads!

00:46:04.000 Yeah, I would have... You're right, there is so much opportunity for there to be a problem.

00:46:08.000 But you know... You can just pretend you're them.

00:46:10.000 Like, just pretend... I love doing that!

00:46:12.000 I'm not pretending I'm them.

00:46:14.000 I won't do it.

00:46:15.000 I think you'll get more enjoyment out of it.

00:46:16.000 More pleasure by pretending I'm them.

00:46:18.000 If you were doing it yourself, I think it would be so laden with issues and problems for you.

00:46:22.000 I struggle to pretend I'm me.

00:46:24.000 I'm not pretending I'm them.

00:46:25.000 I won't do it.

00:46:26.000 I've got too much... only just enough dignity.

00:46:30.000 To not do that.

00:46:31.000 But you think that's a better method is it?

00:46:33.000 I think so because I will say it's amazing what's happened and like I

00:46:37.000 applaud them and I think they've gone about it in all the right ways and just

00:46:40.000 seeing this like what's incredible is like that they've they really have

00:46:46.000 bought into the whole culture of it they've not just gone right we're gonna

00:46:50.000 go every now and again to a game and then we'll put some money in there they're

00:46:53.000 like all the time they're doing this I mean they're literally this status quo

00:46:58.000 they've probably never heard that song rocking all over the world it's like

00:47:00.000 real like working-class football culture that those two guys obviously really

00:47:04.000 bought into and I think that's amazing but what I will say is when you get into

00:47:08.000 the Football League and then you start going up the divisions it's not about

00:47:11.000 putting a few million quid in you're talking about putting in tens hundreds

00:47:15.000 of millions of quid in And whether or not things will change, I don't want to be, you know, I put a dampener on it, but I think things get a bit tougher.

00:47:22.000 I do want to put a dampener on it, and here is that dampener.

00:47:27.000 Like Ted Lasso, right?

00:47:29.000 That sort of becomes sort of a popular thing.

00:47:31.000 Won't watch that for other reasons of pettiness.

00:47:34.000 My whole cultural intake is determined by pettiness. 0.99

00:47:37.000 I can basically only watch our stuff back and even then for only about five minutes, right?

00:47:44.000 But what I feel is that somewhere marketing decisions have been made and ultimately the Disney show Well, isn't it just Lower League Man City?

00:47:57.000 Right.

00:47:58.000 And again, I don't want to be a cynical person.

00:47:58.000 Let me know.

00:48:00.000 I don't see that as my role in the world.

00:48:01.000 But I actually feel that football is a powerful window into the heart of our national psyche and perhaps football more broadly and let us know what sort of sport Means to you they somehow deeply connected to community and the sort of romance that they're enjoying and the Cultural connection that they're enjoying might elsewhere be regarded as a kind of cultural appropriation if it were similarly being Utilized for profit, but we'll sort of see where it goes and I've totally understand if I spoil Rexham And I wasn't so petty

00:48:34.000 I'd be well into it.

00:48:35.000 I'd be totally well into it.

00:48:37.000 And you can't make the comparison, obviously, that some actors are comparable to... I don't know, can you?

00:48:45.000 Because it gets complicated when you start talking about Abu Dhabi and Saudi Arabia money behind Newcastle.

00:48:50.000 Because you say, well, hold on a minute, they literally are regimes that have values that are at odds with our progressivism.

00:48:56.000 But then you have to expand that conversation and go, well, what about the values that are behind the colonialism that put Britain in the position it was in In the first place, you know, even this country, you know, if you've seen The Crown, you'd have seen, like, that mining disaster that could have been handled differently in the 1960s at Aberatham or whatever.

00:49:13.000 You know, like, the...

00:49:15.000 That it captures and harnesses so many of the beautiful things about human beings and some of the flawed things as well.

00:49:22.000 Because as much as it brings about unity, it brings about tribalism.

00:49:26.000 But I feel like it's an honest crucible for humans coming together football.

00:49:29.000 It's a place where you can really learn about...

00:49:34.000 I watched this thing the other day, right, where it talks about Millwall and West Ham, you know, the team I support and Millwall, their historic rival.

00:49:43.000 It was a documentary about, like, their deep, entrenched hatred between them.

00:49:46.000 And even up until 2012, I think, when there was a sort of a cup match between West Ham and Millwall, there was still violence then, even when, like, sort of football violence was in decline.

00:49:55.000 There was a documentary where it was a Millwall fan's perspective on those events, just a YouTube video, actually.

00:50:00.000 He was going, like, The only time that we've ever put aside is for like this young kid got cancer and Millwall fans and West Ham fans raised money for this young kid with cancer.

00:50:12.000 And he goes like, and sadly she died, God love her, like a little four-year-old girl.

00:50:16.000 And like in the video it goes, you know, the only time Millwall fans and West Ham come and give her is for Lily, I think her name was Lily, she was beautification.

00:50:22.000 We actually even wore the colours of Clarion Blue to support her.

00:50:27.000 To this day, she is the only West Ham fan who will be welcome at the Den.

00:50:31.000 That's how entrenched the rivalry and the hatred is.

00:50:37.000 But they did indeed come together, and of course notably around the sort of terrible deaths, unlawful deaths of the 97 that died at Hillsborough, the Liverpool fans at the Liverpool v Forest Cup semi-final.

00:50:51.000 There's so much sentiment, so much potency, so much power in it that I actually genuinely sometimes think that it's something that could contribute meaningfully to cultural and social change, that people understand something that's difficult to articulate around football.

00:51:14.000 And that actually fans should own their football teams, that they shouldn't be corporatised, that they should belong to the people that support the club.

00:51:22.000 And all of the things that that would bring about would ultimately end up being ethical and more fair.

00:51:26.000 Oh no, we can't pay as much money.

00:51:28.000 It would somehow be a leveller if fans owned their football clubs and were invested in their community.

00:51:33.000 I don't know, man.

00:51:34.000 So I guess the spectacle of football is, in a sense, the least interesting, even though it's a bloody interesting part of it.

00:51:41.000 I've got a few other things to add to this.

00:51:43.000 Can I add them?

00:51:46.000 Of course you can.

00:51:49.000 I know that some of them are people of colour, so I'm not making a point about African hair.

00:51:54.000 I'm just talking about Liverpool's heritage with big hair.

00:51:56.000 Curtis Jones.

00:51:58.000 Diaz's hair is quite big.

00:51:59.000 Now I'm moving on to the subject, and obviously there's Salah, of course, and Trent.

00:52:03.000 Now I just want to say, Gakpo is a name people like saying.

00:52:07.000 It's a cool name.

00:52:07.000 It is.

00:52:08.000 It's enjoyable to say.

00:52:09.000 Gakpo.

00:52:10.000 Is your point about the hair though, going back to that, are you trying to say they're trying to channel the successes of that earlier Liverpool side?

00:52:18.000 Yes.

00:52:19.000 There's a continuum.

00:52:19.000 Through hairstyles.

00:52:21.000 Whilst Liverpool are apparently a team who due to their deteriorating midfield are unable to compete at the very highest level.

00:52:30.000 They all seem like a little bit too tired.

00:52:34.000 That and all their hair.

00:52:35.000 Their hair is thriving and flourishing.

00:52:37.000 Do you think there was a point in the season where they just hadn't won?

00:52:39.000 I mean, I think they've won four on the trot now, but they hadn't won two on the spin or something, where the cops said, it's time for plan B. All grow your hair.

00:52:48.000 Why don't Virgil Van Dijk undoes it.

00:52:52.000 When I saw him falling over when he was sort of turned I think by, I can't remember, Kane maybe, I don't know, like for one of the goals against Tottenham where they eventually won 4-3, I thought that wouldn't have happened.

00:53:06.000 There used to be a stat that nobody in the world I mean, you know, that's football, isn't it?

00:53:11.000 he was just an invincible force. You can't get past him.

00:53:14.000 No. It's sad isn't it? I mean, you know, that's football isn't it? You get injured, things change.

00:53:20.000 Life changes. There's a few things that I want to talk about. Gakpo could be a good name for

00:53:26.000 a cocaine slang or a Teletubbies name. Could work for either of those things.

00:53:32.000 Also I suppose we're sort of unlucky in that game because they hit the post a couple of times and

00:53:36.000 God!

00:53:37.000 Actually, they were sort of... they were unlucky ultimately.

00:53:39.000 Um, like...

00:53:40.000 Ryan Mason, current incumbent as Spurs coach, T celebrations are quite muted.

00:53:47.000 Yes they are.

00:53:48.000 I noticed that as well.

00:53:49.000 And Klops are too much. 1.00

00:53:51.000 Now a lot of people are saying that it's a crime what he did.

00:53:51.000 Yeah.

00:53:55.000 Like that he shouldn't have done it and he went too far.

00:53:55.000 Yeah.

00:53:57.000 Can we have a look at it here?

00:53:58.000 If you're just listening to this on audio, we will commentate and describe it for you perfectly.

00:54:03.000 Let's have a look at Klops' celebration, during which he injured himself actually.

00:54:11.000 That's so primitive, isn't it?

00:54:14.000 That's...

00:54:17.000 I like the way he still bangs his chest after pulling his hamstring at the same time.

00:54:22.000 That's almost like you've sort of followed through on a fart, done a poo, possibly piles come out, and then sort of still beat your chest.

00:54:30.000 Like, I am more powerful!

00:54:32.000 We're gonna have to push that back in with a lolly stick.

00:54:37.000 Like, yeah, that's incredible.

00:54:38.000 What he did there, that's literally, apes do that. 0.98

00:54:41.000 Yeah.

00:54:42.000 Don't they?

00:54:42.000 Like, he came up, and it's also like what Keown done to that referee in that famous Arsenal-United clash in the early 90s, late 90s.

00:54:49.000 Yeah, with Van Nistelrooy and all that.

00:54:51.000 Yeah, that sort of back bit where they all, like, two of them had skinheads or something.

00:54:53.000 Oh no, that was like, no, Mathers United, when Stam and Keown, two men of the team had skinheads.

00:54:58.000 The opposite of Liverpool's laissez-faire long hair receiving signals from another world.

00:55:02.000 Like, he actually, this is the bit that's most interesting. 0.99

00:55:05.000 Before he sort of starts filling up his own ass, Look how he rears up here. 0.98

00:55:08.000 And also this form of visual. 0.99

00:55:09.000 Actually, he looks like he can handle himself.

00:55:11.000 He does.

00:55:11.000 Because he ain't that phased.

00:55:13.000 If someone had done that to me, I think maybe some wee would come out.

00:55:13.000 No.

00:55:16.000 It certainly would.

00:55:17.000 Of course it would.

00:55:18.000 How much do you think?

00:55:19.000 I think not...

00:55:21.000 Like if you were putting it in a little jar.

00:55:22.000 An egg cup.

00:55:23.000 An egg cup full of wheat, yeah.

00:55:26.000 What about sometimes when wee comes out, and you think, that should only be a little bit, because it feels like it should only be a little bit.

00:55:31.000 But when you see it splash.

00:55:32.000 There's loads!

00:55:33.000 That's like blood in a murder mystery.

00:55:35.000 As you know, I was in Death Down the Nile.

00:55:37.000 A little bit of blood make a lot a lot of work for Poirot.

00:55:41.000 A little little blood make a lot a lot of work for Poirot.

00:55:41.000 That was his catchphrase.

00:55:44.000 That's a catchphrase.

00:55:45.000 Not like Kenneth Branagh's catchphrase when he was directing me.

00:55:45.000 Yeah.

00:55:49.000 I told you!

00:55:50.000 Keep still!

00:55:51.000 That's his catchphrase.

00:55:53.000 I'm trying to, Sir Kenneth Branagh.

00:55:56.000 No, I am doing it.

00:55:58.000 You're not, you're moving your head.

00:55:59.000 I'm going to need some help with him.

00:56:00.000 What are we going to do with him?

00:56:02.000 Get someone else who's better at acting, like we originally tried to.

00:56:05.000 That film where you were playing me?

00:56:07.000 Death Down a Nile, as I perform as Gareth Roy.

00:56:09.000 Now let's see if this guy flinches, and then you'll see and understand why we had to have that muscly lino.

00:56:15.000 You know that muscly lino that fronted up to Andy Robertson?

00:56:18.000 That geese was trouble.

00:56:18.000 That's right, yeah.

00:56:19.000 Did you?

00:56:20.000 Yeah.

00:56:20.000 I'd noticed him.

00:56:22.000 He was too... He had the body of a narcissist. 0.53

00:56:25.000 No one does that.

00:56:25.000 Okay.

00:56:26.000 What do you think I was going to say?

00:56:27.000 No, I don't.

00:56:28.000 No, I don't.

00:56:28.000 Sexy?

00:56:29.000 I never know how long before you mention the tip of someone's penis. 1.00

00:56:29.000 He was. 1.00

00:56:32.000 That's all.

00:56:33.000 Always. 0.99

00:56:34.000 The tip of the penis is always on the tip of my tongue. 0.99

00:56:36.000 That's what makes it difficult for me to do tongue twisters. 1.00

00:56:40.000 Now this has been the narcissist lino that confronted Andy Robertson.

00:56:46.000 And like when...

00:56:47.000 Like, he sort of went to elbow him, but it's that sort of, it's the same, when there's an altercation between an official and a player, I think the officials always only sort of mime, like, mime their part of the occasion.

00:56:59.000 In the famous Paulo de Cano versus, what's he called, Paul Alcock or something like that, like, the way that referee went down was like he'd been shot.

00:57:07.000 Like, and the skirmish between those two... That was embarrassing.

00:57:07.000 Yes.

00:57:11.000 It didn't really touch him.

00:57:12.000 No.

00:57:13.000 It didn't really touch him, but Andy Robinson was, like, proper pissed off.

00:57:15.000 Yeah, he was.

00:57:16.000 Yeah, because it's a transgression, isn't it?

00:57:18.000 That's the thing, isn't it?

00:57:19.000 It's like when that French copper kicked a bin during a riot.

00:57:22.000 It's like, hold on a minute, you're meant to be the police.

00:57:24.000 Don't kick that wheelie bin, mate.

00:57:24.000 Yeah.

00:57:26.000 We asked you to contribute your most embarrassing moments where you have celebrated, like, well, this is the question, I think we posted this on Elon Musk's Citadel of Truth.

00:57:37.000 Yes.

00:57:37.000 Have you done any sports days yet?

00:57:37.000 Oh.

00:57:39.000 After Jurgen Klopp's freak injury while celebrating Liverpool's late win over the Spurs, what's the silliest

00:57:43.000 injury you've sustained while watching, playing or celebrating sport?

00:57:46.000 Neil Clarke did my hamstring Klopp style showing off a kids v parents sports day.

00:57:51.000 Oh.

00:57:52.000 Embarrassing to hurt yourself on a sports day.

00:57:54.000 Have you done any sports days yet?

00:57:55.000 Yeah, tug of war, tug of war.

00:57:57.000 Oh, how did that go?

00:57:57.000 I was on the losing side and I was actually anchor which is actually quite a significant position in a tug of war.

00:58:02.000 Yes, yes it is.

00:58:03.000 How do you know?

00:58:04.000 We did some last year.

00:58:05.000 Oh, here?

00:58:06.000 Yeah, I went here.

00:58:06.000 The team, yeah.

00:58:07.000 I was on holiday, weren't I?

00:58:08.000 That's when you do all of your events.

00:58:09.000 So, like, I actually was in a tug-of-war, and I was the last person.

00:58:13.000 But actually, there was, like, one of the people, there's stuntmen, there's farmers, You know?

00:58:19.000 I picked the wrong side.

00:58:20.000 I could have been on either side because I've got two daughters and one of them's in each year. 0.99

00:58:24.000 You picked the wrong one.

00:58:24.000 Oh.

00:58:27.000 Yeah, that's what I did.

00:58:28.000 Losing a tug-of-war is actually quite undignified because you sort of go like that and you sort of fall forward.

00:58:34.000 Yeah, that's right.

00:58:35.000 You maybe bump into the person in front of you.

00:58:35.000 I don't like it.

00:58:37.000 Oh, sorry about that, mate.

00:58:39.000 Oh no, we've lost this war of tugging.

00:58:43.000 Why couldn't we tug harder?

00:58:45.000 Did you have a strategy, though?

00:58:47.000 Because do you remember when that Squid Game was on?

00:58:48.000 Everyone watched Squid Game.

00:58:49.000 Oh, that Squid Game was what I was going for! 0.97

00:58:51.000 That was like, everyone suddenly had a technique for turning the wheel.

00:58:51.000 Right!

00:58:54.000 Strategy!

00:58:54.000 What was it again?

00:58:55.000 You let them go a bit, and then you pull back.

00:58:57.000 That was too complicated to use Squid Game, sadly.

00:59:01.000 But what I just thought was try to tug as hard as you can.

00:59:05.000 That was your strategy, was it?

00:59:07.000 I tugged and I tugged.

00:59:09.000 Like it's 1999.

00:59:10.000 And they tugged us forwards into a front topple.

00:59:10.000 Bloody nine.

00:59:13.000 Oh no.

00:59:14.000 It was a shame.

00:59:15.000 I think my footwear as well, as I recall, was probably socks and sliders.

00:59:21.000 Maybe I went down to barefoot, I don't know.

00:59:22.000 Not the Winkle Pickers, was it? 1.00

00:59:23.000 Huh?

00:59:24.000 Not the Winkle Pickers. 1.00

00:59:24.000 I was wearing a very thin Winkle Pickle, a beetle boot. 1.00

00:59:29.000 I could have dug those down into the turf.

00:59:31.000 Of course you could.

00:59:32.000 Of course I couldn't have done.

00:59:33.000 You'll have another one this year, won't you?

00:59:34.000 Will you be back?

00:59:36.000 I'm going to be much more circumspect about the side I pick, and I'll be clinging to the waist of a stuntman, something like that, or a farmer.

00:59:43.000 And I'll say, don't think I should be the anchor.

00:59:45.000 No.

00:59:46.000 Because the anchor's fun to hit at all.

00:59:48.000 You want to be front, don't you?

00:59:49.000 Yeah.

00:59:50.000 Is that good?

00:59:51.000 Yeah, I think at the front.

00:59:52.000 Because also then, if you win, I mean, I just think maybe that's the place for you.

00:59:58.000 Yeah, maybe.

00:59:58.000 You might be right.

00:59:59.000 Did you notice your daughters, were your daughters watching?

01:00:01.000 No.

01:00:02.000 Thank God, they don't care.

01:00:03.000 Also, look, this is the type of school where it's not like hotly competing and people sort of, it's not like Jurgen Klopp farting out a hemorrhoid and banging himself on the chest till he breaks his own sternum.

01:00:16.000 It's not like that.

01:00:18.000 Good.

01:00:18.000 I was training with a female Muay Thai ex-world amateur champion.

01:00:21.000 While doing a sparring session, says Jason Cole, I went for a sort of trip.

01:00:25.000 She said, no, can't do that.

01:00:26.000 I was new at the time.

01:00:27.000 She subsequently tripped me so hard that I broke one of the ribs. 1.00

01:00:31.000 So painful, and even to far, felt like someone was hitting me in that spot with a bat. 0.99

01:00:36.000 What, in the ass spot? 0.99

01:00:37.000 Oh, no, the rib. 0.99

01:00:38.000 I subsequently learned how to fall asleep bolt upright after having to do this for six weeks.

01:00:43.000 Ripped by others for trying to do the trip in the first place.

01:00:45.000 Humbled, for sure.

01:00:46.000 You've got to be careful.

01:00:48.000 Yeah, I like the way he wrote that.

01:00:49.000 It was nice.

01:00:50.000 Beautifully written.

01:00:51.000 Bolt upright.

01:00:52.000 Humbled, for sure.

01:00:53.000 Well, all right, mate.

01:00:54.000 Now, talking about unlikely writing... It's a shame, isn't it?

01:00:57.000 Because with farts, that's meant to be a relief.

01:00:59.000 That's meant to feel good.

01:01:01.000 Fart's my one remaining pleasure in life.

01:01:03.000 Right, exactly.

01:01:04.000 Like, a good fart that feels like it's coming from the depths.

01:01:06.000 Yes.

01:01:06.000 That's all I've got.

01:01:07.000 Exactly.

01:01:08.000 I've actually taken to farting on stage, live, in live performances.

01:01:10.000 Right, just embrace it.

01:01:11.000 Audibly, like farting.

01:01:12.000 I did one in a show the other week.

01:01:14.000 Yeah.

01:01:14.000 And I said, I'm sorry about that.

01:01:15.000 And the front row was a small venue.

01:01:16.000 The front row... I said, probably the first... There's one now.

01:01:19.000 I said, the first three rows were probably in the danger zone.

01:01:22.000 Of course they were.

01:01:23.000 Yeah, I've been, yeah, I mean... And of course, when we were watching Sea Arsenal, I was fighting quite a lot while we were having that curry.

01:01:29.000 I had a barbecue with a guy the other day, which sounds a bit weird.

01:01:33.000 I don't know him that well, but it's in this flat that I'm living in and I was driving back home.

01:01:38.000 Is it the guy that came when I visited you that first day, that young lad?

01:01:41.000 Different guy.

01:01:42.000 It's a different guy, and he said... What is it, like, fucking Beverly Hills 90210 around there, with these young guys, with Luke Perry coming out? 0.93

01:01:48.000 No, he's 36.

01:01:50.000 Anyway, he said, hello, how are you?

01:01:51.000 And I was like, no, I'm fine.

01:01:52.000 What are you doing?

01:01:53.000 And he said, oh, I'm doing a barbecue.

01:01:55.000 And I was like, oh, well, have a nice time.

01:01:57.000 And then as I got out of the car, he said, do you want to join me for the barbecue?

01:02:01.000 Obviously, at that point... Did you want to?

01:02:03.000 Well, I never want to do anything, so the answer is no.

01:02:05.000 I wanted to go into my home, be alone, maybe be a bit sad and watch football.

01:02:10.000 Yeah, all of those things.

01:02:12.000 But of course, because I'm a people pleaser, I was like, oh sure, that would be absolutely wonderful.

01:02:17.000 Where was the barbecue in relation to your home?

01:02:19.000 It was at the front in the kind of communal garden bit.

01:02:22.000 Would you have been able to see him?

01:02:23.000 Would they have been able to see you, like, at the window?

01:02:27.000 No.

01:02:27.000 If I'd have snuck in... Looming and sad.

01:02:29.000 They wouldn't have seen me.

01:02:31.000 No, he was at the front and I'm at the back.

01:02:33.000 I know this is a story he's dragging on a little bit.

01:02:35.000 I like it.

01:02:36.000 It's one of my favourite bits of the show.

01:02:37.000 So, like, I don't know him that well.

01:02:40.000 His name is... There you go.

01:02:42.000 I can't even remember it now.

01:02:43.000 His name's Andy.

01:02:43.000 Andy.

01:02:44.000 Yeah, his name's Andy.

01:02:46.000 He seems like a lovely guy.

01:02:48.000 But we were doing chat about cars and things.

01:02:51.000 It's not just you and him.

01:02:51.000 How many other people are there?

01:02:52.000 You and him!

01:02:52.000 It's just me and him!

01:02:53.000 Who has a barbecue on their own?!

01:02:54.000 Right!

01:02:54.000 A barbecue's a communal event!

01:02:56.000 He's got to do his lonely barbecue!

01:02:58.000 He says to me at the start... The lonely barbecue?! !

01:03:01.000 He says to me at the start, oh, the missus will be down in a minute, so it'll be the three of us.

01:03:06.000 And I'm like, okay, that seems fine.

01:03:08.000 Right, that seems like it would relief some of this sexual tension over these charring sausages.

01:03:14.000 Guess who never turns up? 0.59

01:03:15.000 His wife.

01:03:15.000 And guess what he's got under his apron?

01:03:17.000 Nothing. 1.00

01:03:18.000 And guess how erect his penis is? 1.00

01:03:19.000 Very. 1.00

01:03:20.000 To breaking point.

01:03:21.000 Is it like Harland's?

01:03:22.000 Like Harland's, with a clear tear- no.

01:03:26.000 What's that print?

01:03:27.000 That better be some sort of Caesar salad sauce, son.

01:03:32.000 Anyway, so he- This is all heading towards a fart, of course.

01:03:35.000 Well, of course it is.

01:03:36.000 We know that.

01:03:37.000 He starts doing the boat, so we put down the blankets.

01:03:39.000 Oh my God!

01:03:40.000 Blankets?

01:03:41.000 I know, there were blankets.

01:03:43.000 So we put down the blankets, and he's like telling me all about the food.

01:03:46.000 How did you coordinate that blankets were gonna be put down?

01:03:49.000 Well, he just- Like, how did you run?

01:03:51.000 He just- No, he did it himself.

01:03:53.000 I knew it, oh, when I'm having blankets, otherwise they're gonna crease in the corners, it won't be like a picnic.

01:03:57.000 He was very meticulous about pulling them out right to the corners as well, so I helped at one point, pulling them out to the corners.

01:04:01.000 I hope he was that meticulous when he was taking down your drawers!

01:04:07.000 So we do the blankets and then we do the small talk and the cars and I go through like basically his whole life's history, asking him about everything.

01:04:13.000 Anything good in there?

01:04:14.000 Loads of good stuff.

01:04:15.000 He used to work in Spearmint Rhinos in Brighton.

01:04:17.000 Pretty good.

01:04:18.000 Which then changed to another strip club because it was bought by some American who didn't understand the business. 0.93

01:04:24.000 Bought it as a going concern.

01:04:25.000 Got all the infrastructure, got the poles.

01:04:27.000 And they wanted to sell it but then he stepped in and he started to save and they made loads of money.

01:04:31.000 Brilliant!

01:04:32.000 This is too many details.

01:04:33.000 He's the stripper king. 0.98

01:04:35.000 But with the things like, for example, when he was going through, I've marinated this pork and I've got these sausages from a special halal shop and all these kind of things.

01:04:44.000 Is it halal?

01:04:45.000 It is halal.

01:04:46.000 And he said, I'm not really into that, but I'm going to go with it because it's excellent quality sausages.

01:04:50.000 Fair enough.

01:04:52.000 I like to know my sausages have suffered.

01:04:55.000 I don't like my sausages going quietly into that good night.

01:04:58.000 Do you?

01:04:59.000 No, no, no.

01:05:00.000 He's dad.

01:05:01.000 Through the maximum pain.

01:05:03.000 These sausages went out screaming in agony, sort of like you're about to be once I've got these blankets nice and flat.

01:05:11.000 So we do the blankets, and the blankets is the first time that I notice a fart.

01:05:15.000 Because what ends up happening... How near is the blankets to the barbeque?

01:05:20.000 Isn't the smell of the cooking meat obscuring the fart?

01:05:23.000 There's about a metre or two, I would say, between the blankets and the barbeque.

01:05:27.000 It's just a little barbeque, just one of those.

01:05:29.000 What, when you've bought from a garage?

01:05:30.000 No.

01:05:31.000 This is like... He's had this a while.

01:05:32.000 It's a popular iron one.

01:05:34.000 He tells me, he says, I'm serious about barbeques.

01:05:37.000 I've done many, many a barbeque on myself.

01:05:39.000 There's two things I know.

01:05:40.000 Clubs!

01:05:41.000 Barbecues!

01:05:42.000 Free things! 0.99

01:05:43.000 And having sex with strangers! 1.00

01:05:45.000 On the sex blanket! 1.00

01:05:47.000 Is that the sex blanket? 0.97

01:05:48.000 Oh, that's in the wash.

01:05:49.000 That's the substitute.

01:05:52.000 Anyway, the first time he puts the blanket down, I notice, and I think, oh, it's just one of those accidents, I'm obviously not going to mention it, he does a massive couple of farts.

01:06:00.000 Loud, audible farts.

01:06:01.000 Really loud.

01:06:02.000 What's his physical appearance like at this point?

01:06:04.000 Does he not take a fart from a good-looking person?

01:06:07.000 He's like, he's got long hair in the ponytail, a bit Harland-esque.

01:06:07.000 All day long?

01:06:12.000 Not as Harland, you know, as Harland.

01:06:13.000 He's not like a god.

01:06:15.000 But, uh, you know, he's fairly tidy.

01:06:18.000 Anytime, eh? Don't mind if I do.

01:06:21.000 Fill my snout with your pipe gas, sir.

01:06:25.000 So the first time he like crouches down to put the blanket down, I do notice a couple

01:06:29.000 of like...

01:06:30.000 Oh not blubbery ones, not blubbery loose ones.

01:06:33.000 You want to feel like he's in control of that.

01:06:35.000 But like I think, better not mention it.

01:06:36.000 No.

01:06:37.000 You know, I've only met him a couple of times.

01:06:39.000 We're neighbours.

01:06:40.000 But then, every time he does something where it involves, obviously, a tiny little barbecue on the ground.

01:06:44.000 He's squatting all the time!

01:06:45.000 He's down there all the time!

01:06:46.000 Flip to turn! 0.94

01:06:47.000 Every time he does it, another few farts.

01:06:50.000 Then he has a Guinness.

01:06:51.000 Oh God, that's gonna make it rich!

01:06:52.000 That's gonna thicken the blood! 1.00

01:06:54.000 It does make it...

01:06:55.000 That's gonna tappen up the brew! 1.00

01:06:57.000 Anyway, honestly, eventually we do go up to get- I know that again.

01:07:01.000 Sorry, we have to go up and get the vegetables.

01:07:03.000 I feel like I'm gonna be telling all of this to the authorities.

01:07:06.000 And we go up there and he goes, oh, you'll meet the missus and, you know, I shouldn't come down with this.

01:07:10.000 Oh, she's not there, is she?

01:07:11.000 Well, she is there.

01:07:12.000 She's absolutely furious when she sees me.

01:07:12.000 What's she like?

01:07:17.000 Turns out it's her birthday tomorrow, and he's gone and invited me to this obviously private barbecue between the two of them.

01:07:23.000 What's going on with you?

01:07:24.000 She's furious.

01:07:25.000 She refuses to come down.

01:07:26.000 So he goes up and he says, oh, this is whatever her name is.

01:07:30.000 I'm not going to reveal it, although I have revealed his name.

01:07:32.000 And then she looks at me and she goes, hello.

01:07:35.000 Cold.

01:07:36.000 Cold.

01:07:36.000 Absolutely cold.

01:07:37.000 Need them farts to warm up the atmosphere.

01:07:40.000 Honestly, I'm doing my very best.

01:07:43.000 At this point, I recognise this is a problem.

01:07:46.000 Like, I overstepped the mark.

01:07:48.000 I shouldn't be here.

01:07:49.000 He's farting at Will.

01:07:51.000 I shouldn't even be in this flat. 0.96

01:07:52.000 Your ankle-deep in fart gas. 0.62

01:07:54.000 I make a comment about their spice rack, because it's the only thing I'm literally searching for.

01:07:58.000 What did you say about it?

01:07:59.000 I just said, oh, you've got a nice selection of spices in there.

01:08:01.000 I hope you didn't say nice rack.

01:08:03.000 Cos that's gonna make things even worse.

01:08:05.000 Spicy farts, nice rack, I didn't say any of them.

01:08:07.000 All of the things you're capable of saying.

01:08:09.000 So it didn't have to be absolute best behaviour.

01:08:09.000 Right, exactly.

01:08:12.000 I help him take the vegetables downstairs.

01:08:13.000 At this point, it's done.

01:08:14.000 This is quite labour-intensive, is it?

01:08:16.000 As well, isn't it?

01:08:17.000 You've done a lot of graft here.

01:08:18.000 We've been there for a couple of hours.

01:08:18.000 A lot of stuff.

01:08:19.000 I know his entire life at this point.

01:08:21.000 God, he weren't even gonna go.

01:08:22.000 And he's done, by this point, I would say, at least a dozen farts.

01:08:26.000 At least.

01:08:26.000 Probably more.

01:08:27.000 Every time.

01:08:28.000 Anyway, we get to the barbecue and finally it's ready.

01:08:30.000 Is he mentioning them?

01:08:32.000 By the time the barbecue, at this point we're in the dark.

01:08:35.000 It's pitch black.

01:08:35.000 She hasn't come down.

01:08:36.000 She's absolutely furious.

01:08:38.000 He's saying he's getting progressively a bit more drunk.

01:08:40.000 He's saying how absolutely delicious this is going to be.

01:08:43.000 I'm doing lots of... Two hours though.

01:08:44.000 This does smell nice.

01:08:46.000 Too much build up to the barbie.

01:08:48.000 And then after his final fart of the evening, he finally says to me, because I'm thinking, it's a medical condition.

01:08:54.000 It absolutely has to be. Someone to do that many farts and not go, sorry, sorry about that.

01:08:59.000 Anyway, he turns to me and he goes, oh, sorry about the farts, by the way.

01:09:03.000 And I'm like, oh yeah? And he goes, yeah, it happens whenever I've had, like, quite a lot of Guinnesses,

01:09:07.000 and I did have quite a few yesterday as well. And I was like, no, no, no worries at all.

01:09:10.000 That was it. Anyway, that is the fart story. There's not like a big crescendo.

01:09:14.000 Well, if it was full of crescendos, it kept on giving, the whole story. I was worried about you.

01:09:17.000 You live with these people. What's gonna happen next? Where's it gonna go?

01:09:20.000 Well, I've got to return the plate at some point, because he gave me some stuff and then I took it home.

01:09:24.000 Slip that on the bloody, just leave it on the doormat. Get out of there. Don't ever go back, gal. 1.00

01:09:29.000 I don't think so. I don't think there's any good can come from this relationship.

01:09:33.000 It started with too much intimacy, blankets laying flat, incessant farting.

01:09:38.000 It's not right, is it?

01:09:39.000 It's not right, is it?

01:09:39.000 Because I was doing quite a few farts when we were watching City Arsenal, but... Yes, I know.

01:09:43.000 Paled in comparison.

01:09:44.000 And I was going, sorry about this, I'm sorry.

01:09:44.000 Paled!

01:09:46.000 I apologise for him as an individual.

01:09:48.000 Like, each of them's my individual, my bairns.

01:09:51.000 Each of my bairns, I offer a wee apology.

01:09:54.000 I'm sorry for that.

01:09:55.000 Squeak of that one.

01:09:56.000 Oh, he had a little undercut like me fella.

01:09:59.000 Like, I apologise for each and every one.

01:10:00.000 I don't, like, wait till the final one of the night.

01:10:02.000 No.

01:10:03.000 Like, I'm Dean Martin.

01:10:05.000 And you may have enjoyed some of these farts.

01:10:07.000 Let's take it home.

01:10:08.000 Like, it was like a concert. 0.99

01:10:10.000 An arse concert. 0.99

01:10:10.000 That's right. 0.99

01:10:11.000 An arse concert. 1.00

01:10:11.000 He gave you a concert from his arse, didn't he? 1.00

01:10:13.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:10:13.000 Yes, he did. 1.00

01:10:14.000 It's a good story, Gal.

01:10:15.000 I often do a little fart here or there during the Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu with Chris.

01:10:18.000 Oh.

01:10:19.000 Today he did one, then I done one straight back.

01:10:21.000 He almost became part of the Jiu-Jitsu.

01:10:22.000 I'm a part of it.

01:10:25.000 But my next move was going to be to put my leg over his head.

01:10:29.000 But I thought, not while it's still cradled in the gusset.

01:10:32.000 No.

01:10:33.000 But what if that's something you had to do to win the fight?

01:10:36.000 I just wouldn't do it because there's a certain respect.

01:10:38.000 He is my teacher.

01:10:39.000 There's a certain level of respect.

01:10:41.000 It's customary at Premier League football matches to begin with a rousing anthem.

01:10:45.000 West Ham of course have, I'm Forever Blowing Bubbles, You'll Never Walk Alone.

01:10:49.000 At Liverpool, Z Cars Forever, and many clubs have, sometimes they do the same one, like Brentford are using Hey Jude, what's the connection?

01:10:56.000 Anyway, but like, Newcastle are using the music out of Omen.

01:11:01.000 That's a bit much, isn't it?

01:11:04.000 Especially as they're owned by Saudi Arabia and all that. 0.99

01:11:08.000 I don't think it's the right message.

01:11:09.000 Something a bit more jaunty.

01:11:12.000 Don't draw attention to the nefarious potential.

01:11:16.000 Particularly as they are getting quite good now.

01:11:17.000 Do you think they're going to beat Arsenal and put the tin hat on Arsenal's campaign?

01:11:21.000 It's possible.

01:11:22.000 Very, very good.

01:11:26.000 Yeah, maybe it's down to that.

01:11:27.000 Do you know what the lyrics are?

01:11:29.000 We'll drink your blood. 0.53

01:11:29.000 No, go on. 0.53

01:11:31.000 Wow.

01:11:31.000 We'll invite you to a barbecue.

01:11:32.000 We'll fart the whole way through it.

01:11:36.000 I've got a wife. 0.96

01:11:38.000 She's not that nice.

01:11:39.000 You are not welcome in my dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum. 1.00

01:11:43.000 Where's my fucking plate gone? 1.00

01:11:44.000 Dum-dum-dum-dum-dum. 1.00

01:11:47.000 Very good.

01:11:48.000 Thanks, thanks, thanks.

01:11:48.000 That's good, mate.

01:11:50.000 Jake Murphy of Newcastle is able to open his mouth surprisingly wide.

01:11:55.000 Yes he is.

01:11:56.000 Yes, yes he is.

01:11:57.000 Did you see that expression he gave the other day when he scored that absolutely amazing goal?

01:12:01.000 Yeah, that's when I've learned it.

01:12:03.000 About his ability to... And then the pundit afterwards, who I was interviewing, was like, was that because of your goal?

01:12:03.000 Yeah.

01:12:10.000 And he went, no.

01:12:11.000 I was like, oh come on mate, of course it was.

01:12:13.000 He said it was about the fact that they were now winning by two goals or something, which I thought, it can't be that.

01:12:18.000 It must be that... There he is doing it.

01:12:21.000 I used to have my mouth really wide but then something happened to my jaw and I can't do it no more.

01:12:24.000 Oh.

01:12:25.000 It used to be surprisingly wide.

01:12:27.000 I've lost it.

01:12:28.000 Oh what a shame.

01:12:29.000 It was a great, I used to show that lad a trick or two.

01:12:33.000 Not in the area of football where of course he would definitely triumph.

01:12:37.000 He's doing ever so well.

01:12:37.000 He would yeah.

01:12:39.000 He used to be in and out of the team, now he's a regular starter.

01:12:41.000 Just to get some actual football facts in there.

01:12:43.000 Is he one of the ones that was like, no good?

01:12:46.000 The long staffs were always good.

01:12:49.000 Under Bruce he didn't play.

01:12:50.000 Don't even need St Maxim no more.

01:12:54.000 The man mummy.

01:12:57.000 Like every single limb wrapped in a bandage.

01:13:00.000 He doesn't seem to be as necessary anymore, does he, Sam Maksimov?

01:13:03.000 He's still a brilliant player.

01:13:04.000 I don't think he's going to go anywhere.

01:13:06.000 Here's some players West Ham will get in.

01:13:08.000 And that lad with two surnames that Arsenal don't want no more.

01:13:11.000 Smith Rowe.

01:13:12.000 We'll get him.

01:13:12.000 Him.

01:13:13.000 Yeah, you'll probably get him.

01:13:14.000 That's the sort of things we get.

01:13:15.000 Yeah, it is.

01:13:16.000 Well, the thing with West Ham at the moment is... We might still get relegated.

01:13:18.000 Our last two games against Leeds and Leicester, I know we only won 34 points.

01:13:22.000 They're going to be absolutely fine.

01:13:24.000 They're playing well.

01:13:24.000 They're fine.

01:13:26.000 Yeah.

01:13:26.000 I mean maybe we'll win that European Conference made up cup.

01:13:29.000 That would be amazing.

01:13:30.000 But the fact that West Ham have gone back to playing Antonio up front, I think it's interesting.

01:13:34.000 They've got like Danny Ings.

01:13:36.000 And who's that other fella, Corno, they got from Burnley.

01:13:36.000 Yeah.

01:13:39.000 And they don't play him now.

01:13:40.000 It's like we've gone back to Antonio.

01:13:43.000 Yeah.

01:13:43.000 The hustling, battling tank of a man.

01:13:45.000 They were unlucky the other day.

01:13:45.000 That's right.

01:13:46.000 4-3.

01:13:47.000 I mean, terribly defensive.

01:13:48.000 The Palace game.

01:13:49.000 Yeah, the Palace game.

01:13:50.000 You can't keep Getting Roy Hodgson out and then having him actually manage your team very successfully.

01:13:56.000 It's incredible.

01:13:56.000 Although you can.

01:13:57.000 Roy Hodgson, like, during the COVID pandemic, when games were played behind closed doors essentially, he weren't meant to be there because he was too old.

01:14:03.000 You know, like, he was maybe shielding, which we now know weren't bloody doing anything.

01:14:07.000 They told Roy Hodgson of shielding, but... Well, I like Roy Hodgson because I sort of like the way he sort of relaxes.

01:14:12.000 I like Roy Hodgson.

01:14:14.000 Like, no, he's actually, well, they won six on the bounce, they're right out of trouble.

01:14:17.000 How can Roy Hodgson, who's all sort of old and lovely like a melting ice cream, be better at managing than Vieira, who's, like, so sexy and potent?

01:14:26.000 It's, uh, who knows?

01:14:26.000 Nothing makes sense.

01:14:27.000 I mean, look, the one thing that people have said is... It's not based on sexiness, is it?

01:14:29.000 ...is the fixtures that this, like, apparently Vieira himself was like, once we get to these fixtures, we'll be okay.

01:14:35.000 Well, you won't, mate, because we're getting old Roy Hodgson.

01:14:37.000 We're digging him up out of the ground, sticking him up first.

01:14:39.000 But it's amazing, I think he's won four out of six.

01:14:41.000 And Sam Allardyce, Big Sam, a man who I've kissed, back at Leeds for four games through, purported between one to four million dollars.

01:14:48.000 Oh my god.

01:14:49.000 And Sammy the Barrel Lee, not joining him, because of jury service!

01:14:52.000 Yeah. 0.95

01:14:53.000 That's ridiculous! 0.99

01:14:54.000 You've got to go! 0.99

01:14:56.000 Right.

01:14:56.000 Drop out of the jury service, Sammy Lee.

01:14:58.000 Also, what happens if there's like a verdict after day one?

01:15:02.000 Sammy Lee should push for that.

01:15:03.000 Oh, he's guilty!

01:15:03.000 Of course he should.

01:15:04.000 Oh, he's not.

01:15:05.000 Guilty?

01:15:05.000 No, what do you lot reckon?

01:15:07.000 No, he's not guilty.

01:15:07.000 We'll go with it.

01:15:08.000 I've got John Big Sam.

01:15:09.000 A million quid, yeah, keep leads up.

01:15:11.000 We've got leads.

01:15:12.000 Look, what worries me is the sweet poetry of football.

01:15:14.000 The sweet poetry of football, which I don't like to see exploited, neither by, you know, rogue states, even though perhaps we're just talking about chronology, really, because all states are rogue states, ultimately, aren't they?

01:15:25.000 I guess that's a question for you to answer.

01:15:27.000 Or, You know, Wrexham, the harnessing and utilising of romance and goodwill for commodity and product.

01:15:35.000 Now, you're saying that it's not that, and obviously I bow to your superior knowledge and optimism.

01:15:38.000 Oh, I'm not saying that it's not that.

01:15:40.000 I'm not saying it's not that.

01:15:41.000 I'm just saying that there is a by-product of that as well, and they seem to be going about things in the right way.

01:15:47.000 Well, that poetry, thank you.

01:15:48.000 Good counterpoint.

01:15:49.000 But I think the fact that West Ham got Leeds and Leicester, As the last games, that's what worries me.

01:15:56.000 Because they could be six-pointery type games.

01:15:59.000 You know that last day of football, and it goes, at three, five minutes past three, it was these three teams.

01:16:04.000 And then it was at seven past, it was these teams.

01:16:06.000 I can't see Leeds, especially Leeds, getting anywhere near enough points to even get close to West Ham at the moment.

01:16:13.000 Mathematically, it might be possible for Chelsea to be relegated, because they're on 39 points.

01:16:18.000 Wouldn't it be amazing if Chelsea got relegated?

01:16:21.000 It'd be incredible.

01:16:22.000 It'd be more of a story than when Leicester won the league, I think.

01:16:26.000 Right, Chelsea, you've got to relegate. 0.99

01:16:27.000 They've got so many good players.

01:16:28.000 Some of them, you forget who they all are.

01:16:30.000 Incredible.

01:16:31.000 What's going on?

01:16:32.000 They've got Aubameyang!

01:16:35.000 I don't think we've seen a demise of a football team with the amount of resources they've got, ever.

01:16:43.000 I don't think ever.

01:16:45.000 I've never seen anything like it in all of the time I've been watching the Premier League.

01:16:49.000 It's absolutely incredible.

01:16:50.000 I take no delight in Frank Lampard not doing more though because I've always liked Frank Lampard.

01:16:55.000 Even though West Ham fans don't like Frank Lampard.

01:16:58.000 I like him a lot.

01:16:59.000 I think he seems like a really decent guy.

01:17:01.000 He's alright.

01:17:02.000 Very articulate, very clever bloke.

01:17:04.000 But at that point when he went back to Chelsea and the pundits were like, it's win-win, I thought, it's absolutely not win-win.

01:17:10.000 What if it's lose-lose-lose-lose-lose-lose-lose?

01:17:14.000 That's worse than win-win.

01:17:15.000 What, it's legacy danger.

01:17:17.000 I mean, like, would you, if you think, like, this is the thing is, right, we make decisions based on what we secretly want.

01:17:22.000 Right.

01:17:22.000 That's what, like, you know, that you can't con an honest man.

01:17:25.000 Like, because you want to believe things are going to be okay, it makes you look at some of the fucking things we've done. 0.99

01:17:29.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:17:30.000 Oh, it'll be alright.

01:17:31.000 No, it's exhausting!

01:17:32.000 It's what it is, it's exhausting!

01:17:36.000 You know, like, you don't consider, like, what will it be alright though, Frank, if you lose all of them games?

01:17:40.000 Will you be alright?

01:17:41.000 Yeah, I suppose his status as a legend is assured on the basis of his impeccable career as a footballer, but it's a bit of a...

01:17:48.000 Shame, really.

01:17:48.000 It's amazing how things can change in a short period of time, isn't it?

01:17:51.000 You've got Frank Lampard now, which, as you say, is in danger of ruining his legacy with Chelsea.

01:17:55.000 And then Roy Hodgson, two stints at Palace, especially this stint at Palace, where he's going to be like a legend forever at Palace for coming and doing what he's doing, especially if they continue in the vein of form that they are at the moment.

01:18:06.000 Couldn't happen to a nicer man, because I love Roy Hodgson.

01:18:08.000 Lovely.

01:18:09.000 He's a man, Nan.

01:18:10.000 He's a lovely man, Nan.

01:18:12.000 Uh, I just want to say, finally, um, Richarlison's got his... Who gets their own face tattooed on themselves?

01:18:18.000 Madness.

01:18:19.000 Absolutely madness.

01:18:20.000 Even as part of a montage that includes Neymar and that other player that is Neymar, I don't know.

01:18:24.000 I mean, it's like a... Why would you... That's a weird thing to do, isn't it?

01:18:27.000 At least he put himself in the middle as well, of his own... I think he has, yeah.

01:18:27.000 It's a really weird thing.

01:18:30.000 I think he has.

01:18:30.000 At least put yourself as one of the background figures.

01:18:33.000 A photograph tattoo is always... It's an interesting thing, and I would never, you know what I mean, because usually it's a homage to a dead relative, isn't it?

01:18:39.000 Sure, sure.

01:18:40.000 Someone I've lost or someone I loved or something.

01:18:42.000 But it's someone I love very much.

01:18:44.000 Who?

01:18:44.000 Me.

01:18:46.000 Someone I just never want to forget.

01:18:48.000 Who?

01:18:48.000 Me.

01:18:49.000 You can actually, and also if you put like your own face you can see it in a mirror and then you could put your, is it Roberto Carlos?

01:18:55.000 Who is the other one?

01:18:57.000 Is it Danny Alves?

01:19:00.000 It's not even like, yeah.

01:19:02.000 And then what's going on down the bottom there as well?

01:19:05.000 It's a really interesting thing to have done and like didn't Neymar said he wanted that to be took off?

01:19:11.000 So I don't want that there.

01:19:12.000 You can't just put me there.

01:19:13.000 Neymar actually looks the best.

01:19:15.000 Yeah, he looks great.

01:19:15.000 He looks gorgeous.

01:19:16.000 Danny Alves looks like he's saying, come on, please, Richarlison!

01:19:19.000 And Richarlison's just like, no, no, I'm gonna take my shirt off and reveal this.

01:19:23.000 And what if that's got a tattoo on its back of that?

01:19:25.000 Right.

01:19:25.000 I mean, where does this end?

01:19:26.000 Where does it end?

01:19:27.000 That says fractal.

01:19:29.000 It's the Richarlison fractal.

01:19:29.000 It certainly is.

01:19:31.000 Wow.

01:19:32.000 Now that's a name for an episode.

01:19:33.000 It certainly is.

01:19:34.000 Look, just listen to this bit of prose, apparently by Alan Shearer in The Athletic. 0.97

01:19:37.000 I love The Athletic, damn fine publication. 0.76

01:19:40.000 Every week of Shearer meets with another footballer or whatever, this time Ian Wright over at Highbury. 0.96

01:19:48.000 Listen to this unlikely prose.

01:19:50.000 By Shearer.

01:19:51.000 Like, they've got to have a ghostwriter.

01:19:52.000 Shearer! 0.95

01:19:53.000 Shearer! 0.95

01:19:54.000 Can't write like this, can he?

01:19:55.000 When we embrace in front of the old facade of Highbury, Arsenal's former stadium on Avenal Road, a cold tingle brushes my spine.

01:20:02.000 This place, man, classy with its fabled marble halls, but forever hostile.

01:20:07.000 A narrow pitch with their fans on top of you and Tony Adams, Steve Boulder, Martin Keown, their Warriors centre-halves unleashing hell.

01:20:13.000 I poke my head into the lobby and nod at Herbert Chapman's bust. 0.97

01:20:18.000 It's a model of Herbert Chapman, it's not like a man with titties. 0.94

01:20:22.000 Oh, Herbert! 0.95

01:20:23.000 Oh, hello there!

01:20:24.000 I don't mind if I do!

01:20:26.000 And have a flashback to those times when I hobbled through the door after matches, whether for Newcastle or Blackburn Rovers.

01:20:32.000 There was a broken nose, four stitches in my lip, six in my eye, the savoury tang of blood on my tongue.

01:20:38.000 Shearer's not going to say savoury tang of blood on my tongue and get that delightful, alliterative ung-ung at the end of words, is he?

01:20:48.000 Well, unless we've just really vastly underestimated Shearer's talents.

01:20:51.000 But all the while he's sat there.

01:20:52.000 He's a brilliant writer.

01:20:54.000 He's sat there thinking like Edgar Allan Poe.

01:20:58.000 Beautiful, haunting, gothic poetry forever in his mind.

01:21:01.000 Yeah, and then maybe they tell him, like, the producers, like, just tone it down a bit, Al.

01:21:05.000 Just do the kind of usual stuff.

01:21:06.000 People, they're not into that.

01:21:08.000 People can't say that, Alan.

01:21:10.000 It's too deep.

01:21:11.000 Just say something that's manageable.

01:21:14.000 A manageable, forceful, alpha piece of analysis.

01:21:18.000 Just seem like you're a little bit disappointed about Harland getting these records.

01:21:21.000 Just do that.

01:21:23.000 Amusingly disappointed.

01:21:24.000 Not like you're actually some sort of genius in an entirely different field.

01:21:30.000 Alright, well there you go.

01:21:31.000 Thanks for your contributions in the form of unusual injuries.

01:21:35.000 Let us know what football stories and indeed sporting tales you'd like us to see covered.

01:21:40.000 Thanks for listening or watching.

01:21:42.000 Remember, you can access Football Is Nice wherever you listen to podcasts in full or you can listen to it on Rumble every Thursday.

01:21:49.000 Is football nice?

01:21:51.000 It certainly is.

01:21:52.000 Football is nice.

01:21:54.000 I'm planning to use the word rumble more in our content Tomorrow we're going to have a rumble, a royal rumble, ahead of this weekend's coronation of King Charles in the UK.

01:22:10.000 How do you feel about the coronation?

01:22:11.000 I'm obviously extremely excited.

01:22:13.000 We're meant to shout an oath.

01:22:14.000 What are you going to do?

01:22:14.000 Go to a fart barbecue?

01:22:16.000 That's right.

01:22:16.000 Celebrate the coronation of the king?

01:22:18.000 That's it.

01:22:19.000 Are you?

01:22:19.000 Let us know what you think about it.

01:22:20.000 Let us know your best conspiracy theories about the Royals.

01:22:24.000 We'll take any of them.

01:22:26.000 In addition to that Royal Rumble stuff, we're going to be talking to our guest journalist and editor of the Free Press, Barry Weiss.

01:22:34.000 There she is, look. 0.91

01:22:35.000 If you want to join our locals community, so you can hit us up with questions, so you can get a weekly meditation, so you can learn more about the real-life events we do.

01:22:42.000 For example, community!

01:22:43.000 Any of you can come to that anyway, so go to RussellBrown.com for three days in July.

01:22:48.000 You can be with me, Satish Kumar, Vandana Shiva, Wim Hof, Eddie Stern, Callie Means.

01:22:53.000 You'll learn, you'll be edified, educated and elevated at this festival.

01:22:58.000 Join us tomorrow, not for more of the same, but for more of the different.

01:23:02.000 Until then, stay free.

Stay Free - Russel Brand - May 04, 2023

HOLY SH*T! Your Tax Dollars Funding War Machine REVEALED! - #122 - Stay Free With Russell Brand

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