Tate Speech


IDIOT CUTS FINGERS OFF WITH MACHETE | Tate Confidential Ep. 27


Summary

In this episode, the lads attempt to break through a wall to get to the front of the queue at the emergency room, but it's not as simple as it looks like. They need a hammer, but they don't have one, and the only hammer they have is a hammer that's not nearly as big as they need it to break the wall. They also need to find a way to get past the security guard at the front desk to get in and get some stitches, and they need to do it without getting kicked out of the hospital. And they need a good glass of wine to make up for it, because Luke has lost a lot of blood and is in need of stitches. But they also need a little bit of alcohol to help him get through the process, because he's been in a bit of a pickle lately. This episode was brought to you by and . We hope you enjoy it, and we hope it doesn't suck as bad as it does for the rest of the guys in this episode. We'll be back next week with a new episode, so don't forget to subscribe and subscribe to stay up to date with what's going on in the world of podcasting! Love ya'll! xoxo - The Duke & Gav - P.S. Sorry for the audio quality is a little choppy, we're still working on the audio in this one, but we promise it'll get better next week. - we'll be much better next time. - Tom and Gav xxx - Tom xxx Have a great week! - Tom & Gervais - Tom xo - Tom Xxx - Tom x P. & Gave you guys a chance to be the best podcast in the next episode of the podcast? :D - Tom's new song of the week? - Bribe Me a chance at the next one? - Tom s new song is out next week! - Luke s new album Luke s first song is coming soon - - Tom s first is out in the day after this one is out on the weekend! (and it's better than the last one I hope you like it is better than this week's episode of The Duke and Gave it out on Tuesday night , so be sure to listen to it on the pod! Luke's new album is out soon!


Transcript

00:00:00.000 Good shot there from Tate!
00:00:02.000 A lot of people say girls love money and that's not entirely true.
00:00:20.000 I'm not sure if that's true.
00:00:22.000 I'm not sure if that's true.
00:00:24.000 Action!
00:00:43.000 I'm gonna go get my bag.
00:01:40.000 Yeah. And there needs to be a way in.
00:01:44.000 However, I need some sort of massive hammer.
00:01:48.000 And we don't have a hammer.
00:01:50.000 And also this gap isn't that big.
00:01:53.000 Ah, okay.
00:01:57.000 How am I going to do this with a spicy message?
00:01:59.000 I can hold it.
00:02:01.000 I think it seems so sharp.
00:02:02.000 Alright, hold that. Let me go find some sort of hammer.
00:02:05.000 If I can hammer that solid right here, it should break the wall.
00:02:09.000 I mean, I can't be much closer than that.
00:02:11.000 You don't think you can push kick it?
00:02:14.000 The question is, do we have a hammer?
00:02:16.000 T, you don't think you can kick it?
00:02:17.000 Put your boots on? No.
00:02:20.000 It's going to end a hit in your arm.
00:02:22.000 Huh? It's going to end a hit in your arm.
00:02:24.000 Nah, you won't miss. This ain't going to end nice.
00:02:32.000 Look, my foals. I'm from Marsh Farm.
00:02:35.000 I'm an expert for breaking this shit.
00:02:37.000 Yeah, this is one time I wish my stereotype was true.
00:02:41.000 I could have got you guys in there ASAP. Okay.
00:02:45.000 The key is, it has to be nice and level.
00:02:48.000 Not tilted up or tilted down.
00:02:50.000 I'm kidding. Oh, this is not going to end well.
00:02:52.000 Please Damn it Oh Yep Oh Oh, look at your head.
00:03:11.000 Oh, shit.
00:03:13.000 Okay. Alright.
00:03:14.000 This isn't gonna end well.
00:03:16.000 I'm sorry.
00:03:19.000 I'm sorry. Has it come off?
00:03:26.000 Duct tape?
00:03:31.000 I said this was gonna end bad.
00:03:33.000 Look, blood everywhere. God damn it.
00:03:42.000 How bad is it?
00:03:44.000 Where is it?
00:03:47.000 Oh shit!
00:03:48.000 Yeah. This is stitches.
00:03:53.000 Yeah. It's okay.
00:03:59.000 I can take the pain. To be fair.
00:04:02.000 Front keeping the machete. It was.
00:04:05.000 No, this is 100% my fault.
00:04:06.000 It was a bad idea.
00:04:08.000 I will accept this is 100% my fault.
00:04:10.000 Look, if I get the Wuhan virus from this open cup...
00:04:20.000 Okay. Now it's stopped bleeding.
00:04:23.000 It has. Good.
00:04:28.000 There. The bleeding's stopped.
00:04:30.000 Step one. Now you're definitely nothing done.
00:04:36.000 There's too many tape in this house.
00:04:38.000 Okay. So, I can't put liquor.
00:04:41.000 Stop bleeding. You're not lightheaded.
00:04:43.000 Trust me. I've lost far more blood in far better scenarios.
00:04:48.000 To be fair, I think we should take Luke for a nice pint right now.
00:04:52.000 A pint of Guinness. Yeah, a pint of Guinness.
00:04:54.000 A pint of Guinness will help you, bro.
00:04:58.000 A glass of wine. What do you think?
00:05:02.000 You are making a mess.
00:05:04.000 I'm making a mess. And there you are, ready to party.
00:05:12.000 Shall I book a table? No.
00:05:15.000 Why not? No, I don't care where those are at.
00:05:18.000 Just dumb shit. Getting locked out was Tristan's dumb shit.
00:05:23.000 I still blame Tristan 100%.
00:05:25.000 Luke was brave, but still just dumb.
00:05:28.000 Just dumb.
00:05:30.000 Unprofessionalism. It's not how I roll.
00:05:32.000 I'm professional. I like to get my shit, do my things right.
00:05:35.000 Locked out. People fucking around with keys.
00:05:38.000 Amateur hour, man.
00:05:40.000 Amateur hour. Now we've got injuries.
00:05:43.000 What's going on? Gruesome.
00:05:45.000 Gruesome, bro. Lost his fucking finger.
00:05:47.000 Why? Why?
00:05:51.000 Can we build some music?
00:05:52.000 I'd love some music. Alright, sure, man.
00:05:55.000 There you go. This is nice.
00:05:59.000 And some KFC. And now I don't have to work out tomorrow.
00:06:02.000 No burpees tomorrow. No burpees.
00:06:04.000 Oh, I see. This is all a plan.
00:06:07.000 Miles made me laugh. He goes, poor Luke.
00:06:09.000 When he's around you, his life is a disaster.
00:06:11.000 He should go back to his house in California.
00:06:14.000 I didn't have a house!
00:06:15.000 I didn't have a house. What do you mean house?
00:06:18.000 Here he gets the Wuhan virus, he gets his finger cut open, but it's better than being homeless.
00:06:23.000 It's much better than being homeless.
00:06:24.000 ...workings of a Romanian hospital.
00:06:26.000 So here's how they work.
00:06:28.000 They're not as good as most hospitals in Europe.
00:06:31.000 They're underfunded.
00:06:33.000 Everyone's too busy. There are massive lines to wait in, but everyone takes bribes.
00:06:38.000 A little bribe, you jump to the front of the queue.
00:06:41.000 Luke will be in and out of the A&E room within 15 minutes.
00:06:44.000 In England it would be four hours.
00:06:45.000 Why? No bribes. That's the problem with the NHS. They should bring back bribery.
00:06:50.000 Bribe your way to the front of the queue, bribe the doctors, bribe the guy doing the stitches.
00:06:54.000 I'm gonna get some bribe money before I go, and we're good.
00:06:58.000 Luke will survive. I will survive.
00:07:01.000 It's a pinky, too. I don't really need it.
00:07:03.000 If it wasn't for my bribe money, Luke might die.
00:07:06.000 I don't think I'd die. Don't worry.
00:07:12.000 I'll bribe your way to safety.
00:07:13.000 I'll bribe your way back to good health.
00:07:15.000 Oh, I forgot my mask, bro.
00:07:18.000 Oh, your Wuhan mask. We're going to get Wuhan.
00:07:21.000 Shit, that would be shit.
00:07:23.000 Now we're going to get Wuhan. Yeah, now I get Wuhan after.
00:07:27.000 Alright, then your death will be my fault.
00:07:29.000 Yeah. Again, I hope you don't, you shouldn't blame yourself for this at all.
00:07:34.000 This was my idea. You know, the thing is, it's a cocky finger.
00:07:37.000 It's not like you lost your hand.
00:07:39.000 Yeah, it's true. It could have been much worse.
00:07:40.000 I cut myself that much and then I stopped the bleeding by tying my finger off and I kept drinking for five hours and went to sleep.
00:07:47.000 And my finger formed back weird because it didn't sit together right.
00:07:51.000 Yeah. So, wham.
00:07:52.000 These things happen. I wasn't going to leave a party at my house, was I? Go get my bride bunny.
00:08:02.000 Save my cousin's life.
00:08:07.000 You bribe money to bribe everyone.
00:08:11.000 I'm not sure you can film the bribes.
00:08:13.000 Try to be low-key. Yeah.
00:08:14.000 Don't show their faces. Yeah.
00:08:16.000 Yeah. You're going to be the favorite by taking bribes.
00:08:20.000 I'm going to snitch on them. No.
00:08:22.000 So, I know how to fix the NHS in one simple step.
00:08:26.000 Ready? Forrest Johnson, if you're watching this, I know this blog's getting popular.
00:08:29.000 Here's how you fix the NHS. Every hospital, the problem is, because there's no bribes and shit, you've got to wait in all these massive-ass lines and wait with all these people who, like, sprained their ankle playing football or, like, their thumb's a bit swollen because they opened a fucking tin of sardines wrong.
00:08:45.000 Here's what you do. You hire one doctor in each hospital and he is the go-home man.
00:08:52.000 Now the go home man's job is to walk around the fucking waiting room, look at them motherfuckers and say, you, go home.
00:08:59.000 You, go home. You don't need to be here.
00:09:02.000 I was in hospital with Andrew.
00:09:03.000 He had a break on his hand after a kickboxing fight.
00:09:05.000 He needed surgery. You're waiting behind the queue of a guy who's too drunk, calling his wife names, waiting behind a guy who's sprained his ankle, playing football, sitting there with his shoe off, and he gets up and hobbles to the vending machine.
00:09:17.000 Go home! Why are you in the hospital?
00:09:20.000 Everyone leave! And the go home man is to get rid of these motherfuckers in the waiting room.
00:09:24.000 Then, there's a nice, fast, speedy service, and the time wasters get to leave.
00:09:30.000 Make sense horse jumps write that down That is good.
00:09:43.000 It's good.
00:09:44.000 Very bad for you. I've hired a translator who we will censor out.
00:09:58.000 I've hired a Romanian translator.
00:10:02.000 I know you guys could do a mask on scratch here in the United States.
00:10:11.000 Told you, everyone's got a mops brush.
00:10:13.000 So, apparently, Luke has sliced a tendon on his finger, and he needs surgery on his pinky finger, so he's going to be in hospital until tomorrow.
00:10:32.000 But that's whack, and I don't really trust these Romanian hospitals, so right now I'm going to take him to a private hospital and spend loads of money to fix his finger, because I'm a good cousin.
00:10:45.000 Shit, man. So, because I'm a good cousin, I'm going to a private hospital.
00:10:53.000 It's going to cost me thousands of euros to get your tent in and your picture.
00:10:58.000 But I also did kick your hand into a reception.
00:11:02.000 So, I feel I kind of owe you.
00:11:06.000 Not really. I shouldn't have gotten along before I was.
00:11:10.000 It wasn't better. The door didn't get open.
00:11:15.000 We didn't even succeed.
00:11:16.000 And you know what's happened now? Georgiana's called locksmith.
00:11:23.000 Alright, you go in and pay for the gas then.
00:11:27.000 What? No. Oh, I see.
00:11:29.000 You don't have hands. Yeah, I don't have hands.
00:11:31.000 Opening doors. Me and Andrew have a rule.
00:11:33.000 One of us pumps the gas.
00:11:34.000 The other one goes inside to pay for it.
00:11:35.000 You told him to pump the gas. Yeah, but I didn't know he was here.
00:11:38.000 I could have told him to pump the gas.
00:11:40.000 I chose pumping before I knew that guy was pumping gas for me.
00:11:44.000 I can't get it. Do you want anything?
00:11:45.000 Do you want a beer? No.
00:11:47.000 Are you sure? No. Red Bull?
00:11:48.000 Maybe a Red Bull. Wine?
00:11:50.000 No. So you don't want a beer or any wine?
00:11:51.000 No, I want a sandwich.
00:11:53.000 Whatever.
00:11:57.000 The filling ruffled.
00:12:04.000 Here's that beer you asked for.
00:12:08.000 I didn't want a beer. Don't worry, I'll open it for you.
00:12:12.000 You just put it between your wrists.
00:12:14.000 There you go. Nice, nice cold beer.
00:12:17.000 Thank you. Enjoy. I got your sandwich.
00:12:21.000 Alright, you put the beer away.
00:12:23.000 Alright, so you don't want the beer, then?
00:12:25.000 No, I don't. But the beer will make you strong.
00:12:26.000 No, it won't. Ah, this sandwich is cold.
00:12:28.000 I didn't realize it was cold. It's fine.
00:12:29.000 I'll take the cold one. Are you sure?
00:12:30.000 It's all the same, bro. Yeah, I don't care.
00:12:35.000 Somehow, you need the sandwich.
00:12:37.000 Now, the good news is, I'm busy.
00:12:40.000 So Georgiana is taking you to the hospital?
00:12:42.000 Mm.
00:12:44.000 No, it's not quite hospital.
00:12:46.000 Okay.
00:12:48.000 Where are you going?
00:12:50.000 Right.
00:12:52.000 We can't leave them. We can't leave them.
00:12:54.000 We should take them back to Floresta, where we were, when they abandoned Tanta.
00:12:58.000 And tell them to give them the surgery.
00:13:02.000 Here's money for bribes, etc.
00:13:06.000 You can't bribe hospital people.
00:13:08.000 I know it's hard, but if you need money for the surgery, first thing you do, find out if it's local anesthetic or general anesthetic.
00:13:18.000 It's like a tiny cut here and here.
00:13:20.000 And they were saying anesthetic, and you said, oh, it's anesthetic.
00:13:22.000 But I don't know if it's the normal one that numbs your hands or like the one when you go to sleep.
00:13:25.000 Surely it's not that normal. It's kind of what you expect.
00:13:50.000 The people aren't that nice.
00:13:52.000 They're all efficient and there's – or not efficient.
00:13:56.000 You wait for hours, but they'll do the surgery.
00:14:00.000 They'll give you a bed, but the bed's with like five other people.
00:14:04.000 They'll give you food, but the food's like a hard-boiled egg and bread with cheese.
00:14:08.000 I can't open hard-boiled eggs.