The Art of Manliness - 10 Philosophy-Inspired Challenges for Becoming a Better and Happier Man

00:00:00.000 brett mckay here and welcome to another edition of the art of manliness podcast

00:00:10.980 although they may call it different things and approaches attainment in different ways

00:00:15.060 many of the world's religions and philosophies have a similar goal

00:00:18.200 achieving a life of virtue peace and flourishing in his new book seriously happy ben aldridge

00:00:24.640 explains how anyone can use the wisdom of ancient traditions to improve themselves and live the good

00:00:29.020 life today on the show ben offers a thumbnail sketch of buddhism cynicism daoism stoicism

00:00:35.880 epicureanism and aristotelianism along with practices and challenges inspired by these

00:00:40.720 philosophies including walking a banana listening to a music performance without music and taking

00:00:46.160 a wu-wei adventure that you can use to put ancient wisdom into action and become a better and happier

00:00:51.100 man after the show's over check out our show notes at aom.is seriously happy

00:00:59.020 all right ben aldridge welcome back to the show hey brett thank you so much for having me back

00:01:14.360 it's an honor to be here again so we had you on the show a few years ago to talk about your book

00:01:18.720 how to be comfortable with being uncomfortable and you got a new book out entitled seriously happy

00:01:24.520 so your previous book how to be comfortable being uncomfortable you took the philosophy of stoicism

00:01:29.800 and try to find actual practices that people can do to put the philosophy into action and what i love

00:01:35.220 about this new book even though it's geared towards teenagers i got a lot out of it you take a look at

00:01:40.680 different philosophies from around the world and across time and also try to extract actual practices

00:01:47.100 you can do to put that philosophy into action let's start off with the title of the book it's called

00:01:51.480 seriously happy how are you defining happiness in this book so yeah we look at happiness from a

00:01:58.800 slightly different perspective in this book so i'm going back to ancient greece and the ancient greeks

00:02:04.480 had a fantastic take on happiness and this is really the the core driving theme throughout the book

00:02:10.400 and the greeks the ancient greeks had this concept called eudaimonia and this is very different

00:02:16.920 from happiness in the modern world i find that when we look around we see a conditional happiness

00:02:22.740 in the modern world i'll be happy when i'll be happy if you know when i get the new house the new

00:02:28.000 job the new car etc and the ancient greeks had a different take they wanted to achieve this thing

00:02:34.940 called eudaimonia which is a life that flows a flourishing life and it's a happiness that's built on

00:02:40.680 essentially building character and learning how to thrive irrespective of what happens to us

00:02:45.680 and i think this is a great way to frame happiness because then it's not external we don't need

00:02:51.180 conditions to be happy because whatever happens we are basically building character so this is i think

00:02:58.200 it's a nice way of framing happiness and throughout the book we look at different philosophies and how

00:03:03.840 they can help build character and ultimately achieve this elusive but very practical eudaimonia

00:03:09.820 yeah i like the idea of happiness being flourishing because yeah i think a lot of times we think about

00:03:14.360 happiness in the modern day we think of happiness as a feeling but feelings are fleeting emotions are

00:03:20.360 fleeting you can feel good one moment for just random reasons and then the next moment you just

00:03:25.700 feeling like ah like crap and you can't figure out why it is and so you're constantly trying to chase 0.51

00:03:31.040 that feeling as you said it because it's conditional upon your feelings you're never feeling like a

00:03:36.440 constant state of happiness for sure and i think trying to achieve that is unrealistic we can't do

00:03:43.760 that we're going to be feeling lots of different things throughout our lives we're going to have

00:03:47.500 high moments and low moments and this is why the ancient greeks had this concept of eudaimonia because

00:03:53.700 it can apply to whatever situation we find ourselves in and that's very liberating and we're not trapped on

00:03:59.580 just always chasing the next endorphin rush or dopamine hit so it's very practical yeah i love

00:04:05.520 that idea and what's interesting too if you look across different philosophies from around the world

00:04:09.960 they also they had different names for it but they they were trying to seek the same thing

00:04:15.280 with their philosophies this sort of state of flourishing where it's not contingent upon your

00:04:21.560 emotions it's contingent upon your character so let's dig into some of these philosophies

00:04:26.240 that can help us obtain this state of flourishing this eudaimonia and you include buddhism in your

00:04:32.540 book and buddhism is a philosophy slash religion what are the big ideas from buddhism you highlight in

00:04:37.700 the book so yeah this is a big one and there's a lot obviously a lot to say about it many different

00:04:42.960 buddhist sects as well and so many different types of buddhism but generalizing there's this

00:04:48.500 foundational concept in buddhism called the four noble truths and what it's highlighting is that life

00:04:56.100 is going to be tough so life is suffering so that's the first noble truth the second one is that

00:05:00.740 our mind is the reason that we suffer the way that we frame things uh causes a lot of problems for us

00:05:07.220 the third truth is that we can change our relationship to suffering so good news we can

00:05:13.040 actually do something about it and then the fourth noble truth is basically the method and there's an

00:05:18.720 eightfold path that buddhism tends to recommend and it's things like meditating and living in the right

00:05:25.020 way in alignment with moderation and various things so that's the big take home is knowing the the mind

00:05:31.280 and the way that we frame things is the cause for a lot of problems in life and of course this is very

00:05:37.840 top level and i know that you know the lots of buddhist scholars will have various different

00:05:42.280 interpretations but the four noble truths are really at the center of a lot of buddhist thinking and

00:05:48.080 actually a lot of modern psychology taps into this and uses this uh this concept and there's a

00:05:54.220 fantastic book called why buddhism is true by robert wright and this really looks at the

00:06:00.420 psychological side of buddhism and it talks about how these ideas can help us to develop clear thinking

00:06:07.620 so i think really that's one of the beautiful things about buddhism it's it's a a way of life that's

00:06:14.560 incredibly practical you mentioned there are different sects or schools of buddhism and one of them

00:06:20.420 you talk about specifically in the book is zen buddhism tell us about zen so zen is a lovely

00:06:26.580 philosophy now the little disclaimer before i start i'm not a zen buddhist myself but i'm a huge fan of

00:06:33.160 these ideas and i deeply appreciate and love what they have put out into the world so zen is a type of

00:06:40.320 buddhism and it's pretty much a japanese aesthetic type of buddhism so when we go to japan and we look at

00:06:47.900 the japanese temples we see minimalism throughout the way that they've been constructed with the

00:06:52.860 beautiful zen gardens which are often very empty with rocks placed in certain locations to help us

00:06:59.680 relax and connect to deeper meanings as well so it's a type of buddhism and the ultimate goal of zen is

00:07:08.040 is ultimately to help us achieve what they call it enlightenment and that's always a tricky word

00:07:15.300 because i think for a lot of people they can get caught up in what does that mean and how do we

00:07:20.760 achieve it but really it's being able to understand the nature of reality and understand the nature of

00:07:27.320 our mind and to be able to work with that so knowing that suffering is something that we all face but we

00:07:33.620 can transcend that through training and in zen one of the key things that they encourage is meditation

00:07:39.540 and that's a great way to learn to control the mind in a very practical way and it's it's a very

00:07:45.640 helpful tool for a lot of people and you don't need to be a zen buddhist to be able to use this idea 0.99

00:07:53.720 when i think a lot of people when they think of meditation they think of sitting still on a mat

00:07:58.940 and focusing on calming your thoughts and breath and that is that is a practice but you also recommend

00:08:05.260 doing something called a moving meditation what's a moving meditation yeah so in some zen temples there's

00:08:13.000 a type of meditation where everyone will walk around the room in like a conga line really and

00:08:19.480 they're essentially trying to stay focused on the present moment even though they're moving and

00:08:25.420 actually this is done as a way to have some relief from long meditation sessions because often you sat

00:08:31.500 down for hours and hours in these zen temples so actually being able to break away from that and

00:08:37.380 move means that you're not going to be in physical pain and actually then you can focus on the present

00:08:42.440 moment so it's a it's something that we can use throughout our lives when we're driving when we're

00:08:47.320 walking to the shops if we can actually just pay attention to the movement itself and the feeling of

00:08:53.380 moving through space and i think that can help us to you know connect to this idea this powerful

00:08:59.300 meditation ultimately which is going to help us to control our racing thoughts and overthinking

00:09:05.520 minds that reminds me of labyrinths and that's a that's a form of meditation so you see these

00:09:11.340 some places like i think monasteries might have them churches might have them we actually there's

00:09:16.440 a labyrinth in a park just down the street from my house and yeah it's sort of this like maze you

00:09:22.340 kind of circle through and as you walk along this path you're supposed to meditate and i've done it

00:09:28.420 it is it is surprisingly relaxing yeah and i think the thing is always hard at first when you first

00:09:34.940 try and not think about stuff it's almost impossible to do that but it's uh the repeated

00:09:40.940 use of this skill helps to sharpen the mind and you do get better at it so that can convert to

00:09:47.000 walking meditation or when you're just sort of present in your day-to-day life but it also helps

00:09:51.960 when you're actually practicing meditation when you're sat down and you're trying to focus on your

00:09:56.200 breath or just trying to you know stay with the moment rather than get caught up in all this

00:10:01.380 overthinking so it's a great one but i think it does take a little bit of time to feel the benefits

00:10:08.120 and to actually start getting that stillness with the mind because it's you know our minds are so

00:10:13.180 overactive another practice you recommend inspired by zen you call it the 433 project what is that

00:10:21.680 oh yes i love this there was a man called john cage and he was an american composer and he loved

00:10:29.380 zen buddhism and he used to hang out with zen masters and he meditated a lot he wasn't officially

00:10:36.120 a zen buddhist but he really loved this type of philosophy and he created a piece of music called

00:10:42.660 four minutes 33 and what happens is the whole orchestra will go on stage and they will sit there

00:10:49.780 and play nothing for four minutes and 33 seconds so the audience literally have to sit there and

00:10:55.700 listen to the ambient sound of the concert hall or wherever it's being performed and he was very

00:11:00.900 sneaky because he was encouraging people to meditate maybe without them realizing that they were doing it

00:11:06.360 and it's all done through through your ears and listening very closely to the ambient sound and this was a

00:11:15.340 huge thing to do quite revolutionary at the time when he put it out and we can have a go at doing

00:11:19.660 it very easily by setting a timer for four minutes and 33 seconds but there are wonderful videos

00:11:25.420 if you search for john cage four minutes 33 on youtube you can see big concert halls filled with thousands

00:11:31.400 of people all just listening to silence and this was his way of connecting to zen and i absolutely love

00:11:37.380 this as a concept no it sounds like a lot of fun i'm gonna have to give that a try so set a timer for

00:11:42.460 four minutes in 33 seconds and you can do this in different places you can do this at home

00:11:46.500 in nature downtown and then just spend that time focusing your thoughts like letting your mind be

00:11:52.500 still and paying close attention to the sounds in the environment okay so the uh the big thing you

00:11:58.500 took from zen is meditation and the different variations of it you've talked about are there

00:12:03.920 any other practices or challenges inspired by buddhism that you recommend another tool that i think is

00:12:10.500 really useful from buddhism it's this idea of impermanence and i really like this idea so

00:12:17.720 the idea is that everything around us is changing we know that just by observing the world around us

00:12:23.760 and this is very helpful because if we're going through a tough time we can really hold on to the

00:12:31.000 fact that it will change everything is constantly moving and evolving so we can focus on the other side of

00:12:38.180 difficulty so for instance if i have to go to the dentist for something to get a filling whatever

00:12:44.180 and i know that i'm not going to enjoy that process however i know that it's a temporary

00:12:49.180 experience and i can try to project my mind to the other side of the experience and know that it's all

00:12:55.140 changing and i will be through this and this takes away maybe the the weight of that situation it helps

00:13:02.560 to lighten it it's the same if you're in traffic you know you're not going to be in traffic forever

00:13:06.420 so focus on the fact that things are always changing and always moving now the other side

00:13:12.860 of this is very powerful because we can use it when we're going through something amazing so say

00:13:18.100 you're having a beautiful moment with the family or something you're doing something that you're

00:13:22.420 really enjoying you can also remember that this is impermanent and it will change and that can help

00:13:28.200 us to savor those moments even more so it's funny how there's two sides to this this coin of

00:13:34.060 impermanence but i think being able to use that and hold on to that when we're going through

00:13:38.740 experiences in life can be very helpful yeah one practice you recommend is intentionally being bored

00:13:46.260 why is that a good way to practice buddhist ideas of impermanence yeah so that's a great way of 1.00

00:13:53.780 tapping into this idea of sitting with the mind so that's i wouldn't say that boredom is like a

00:14:01.440 practice that buddhists would do but it's it's one of the challenges in the book that i encourage

00:14:07.340 people to do because it's a way to train the mind and to sort of sit with the mind itself and try and

00:14:14.800 understand how you think about things so a great way to do this is to put yourself in a situation where

00:14:21.140 you're doing something that you really will find boring like watching a movie that's just terrible

00:14:26.240 that you really don't want to watch or listening to a song you really don't like or trying a genre

00:14:31.340 of music that you really hate and just paying attention to the mind when you're doing that it's

00:14:38.520 it's a great way of highlighting what's going on in between your ears you know it's a it's a nice way of

00:14:44.760 trying to sort of understand yourself better and putting yourself in these boring situations

00:14:50.180 is is good as well because then when you actually have to encounter a boring situation you're a little

00:14:55.660 bit trained and you can kind of frame it as training as well have you heard about this this trend that's

00:15:00.120 happening online of dudes they'll get on a flight that's like a seven hour flight and they'll just

00:15:06.080 stare they won't look at their phone they won't they'll stare at like the maybe there's a screen in

00:15:11.620 front of the flight path they call it raw dogging which has that you know sexual innuendo but there's 1.00

00:15:16.720 this whole it's i don't know if you've seen this it's it's kind of funny yeah i have seen it yeah

00:15:21.100 they're essentially doing a meditation like quite an extreme version of that where they're you know

00:15:26.700 they're actually going in for this like almost like a meditation retreat they're just sat there

00:15:30.480 and just focusing on just yeah being present i don't know whether there's the philosophical

00:15:35.720 intention behind it whether it's just supposed to be kind of a funny thing but actually it's uh

00:15:41.920 it's amazing yeah if you look at it like that if you see it as a philosophical practice yeah that's

00:15:46.320 pretty impressive yeah though i incorporate bored in my life is whenever i'm standing in line for

00:15:51.620 something or waiting at the doctor's office instead of checking my phone i'll just sit there

00:15:56.520 and just be bored and it's a challenge because you have that itch to want to check your phone and

00:16:02.000 distract yourself but i try to exercise my willpower and just be with my my bored feelings usually it passes

00:16:09.940 after a few minutes another philosophy you look at is cynicism this is another ancient greek 0.99

00:16:15.480 philosophy what's the story of the cynics so the cynics are very different they're a great bunch of

00:16:22.380 ancient folk who used to do some wild things in the name of philosophy now there aren't actually

00:16:28.420 that many cynics today but the word cynic now has a slightly negative connotation kind of implies

00:16:35.880 someone who's overly skeptical in a negative way but it actually the original cynicism comes from

00:16:41.880 kinikos this ancient greek word which means dog like and it was meant as a derogatory thing towards

00:16:47.760 the cynics because they used to live like wild dogs and they would choose to live a life of

00:16:54.800 homelessness out of a way to practice their philosophy and the philosophy is all about being able to build

00:17:00.880 resilience and also be detached from the state they were very open about freedom of speech this was one of

00:17:08.200 the cornerstones of cynic philosophy in fact the four cornerstones of cynicism the first one is

00:17:14.100 freedom of speech and the famous cynic diogenes said that freedom of speech is the most beautiful thing

00:17:21.300 in the world now that was really important to them and the other the other three cornerstones we've got

00:17:27.700 endurance so you've got to be tough to be a cynic there's this practice called ascesis where they

00:17:34.100 would deliberately do difficult things to build resilience and then finally there's self-sufficiency

00:17:39.760 which is where they're able to look after themselves and not have to rely on the states or rely on

00:17:46.560 anyone else and this was important to them because they felt that freedom of speech could only really

00:17:52.900 happen if you were not kind of dependent on a state for for any money or for worrying about your

00:18:00.160 reputation so being outside of the system in a way allowed them to sort of criticize it and openly look

00:18:06.640 and discuss ancient society so they're really fascinating philosophers and i'm particularly interested in

00:18:16.300 their practical resilience building that ascesis training which they used to do and they did some very

00:18:22.220 funny things in the name of self-improvement oh yeah so this ascesis training so diogenes he famously

00:18:28.020 lived in like a barrel basically a tub didn't bathe urinated like just defecated in public

00:18:35.020 just a weird guy and like i mean there's that famous story of alexander the great went to go meet

00:18:40.480 diogenes and diogenes told this guy who basically thought he was god on earth hey get out of my way you're

00:18:47.320 standing in front of my son and alexander yeah he respected that he's like man this guy this guy's awesome

00:18:53.300 he has no uh master he's his own master yeah exactly and i love that someone i can't remember

00:18:59.020 who it was but they they were talking about the cynics and they described them as the trolls of

00:19:03.260 ancient athens and i thought that was hilarious because a lot of them would do these things to

00:19:08.420 provoke big reactions from society you know the theaters would empty at the end of a performance

00:19:13.460 and hundreds of people would go out onto the streets and the cynics would be there deliberately

00:19:18.200 walking in the wrong direction getting in the way and that is really what a lot of the cynic

00:19:23.580 philosophy is about is really challenging conventions and yeah really making people

00:19:28.060 question the way that they're living their lives so yeah they're a great bunch so i don't think you're

00:19:32.580 not advocating that people stop bathing and start urinating in public but what can we take away from

00:19:38.960 the cynics and what are some practices we can do to incorporate that into our lives

00:19:42.940 uh yeah absolutely not i i think that this is probably why people enjoy stoicism maybe it's a

00:19:49.240 bit more palatable and stoicism actually sort of came from the cynics but yeah in terms of practical

00:19:55.060 application of the cynics what we're looking for is this uh ascesis training so finding things that

00:20:01.080 make us a little bit uncomfortable we don't have to go too far with it but one of the exercises that i

00:20:07.020 love that's very ridiculous but it's inspired by the cynics it's called the banana walk

00:20:12.440 and it's basically embarrassing yourself in public so there was a man called albert ellis

00:20:17.500 and he created a modern therapy called rebt rational emotive behavior therapy and this was based

00:20:26.340 on how well a lot of the ideas in this therapy were based on how the cynics would deliberately do

00:20:33.160 embarrassing things and do things to challenge society so he created this thing called the banana walk

00:20:39.220 which is where you take a banana you tie a piece of string to it and then you go for a walk in a

00:20:45.040 busy public place and people will stare at you and you'll feel embarrassed and you'll have to work

00:20:51.380 through a lot of things going in your head and i can say honestly i've done this myself i've walked

00:20:56.100 bananas in london carrots in paris all on string feeling very silly about the whole situation but it's

00:21:02.760 amazing what happens within the mind and this is what albert ellis was encouraging people to do

00:21:07.680 to really challenge that internal dialogue why are we embarrassed and the more you do it the more

00:21:13.460 comfortable you become in your own skin and diogenes this cynic we were talking about he used to drag

00:21:20.460 a bottle of wine on a piece of string through the the agora the ancient marketplace in athens so

00:21:26.720 there's a direct tie to this modern practice of walking bananas in public and you know what if

00:21:32.540 you go to the albert ellis institute in new york you'll often see people walking bananas on string

00:21:37.980 outside the building as a way to basically build resilience and build self-confidence and to not

00:21:45.620 get so caught up in how other people are thinking about us so it's a lovely practice and yeah i always try

00:21:51.480 encourage people to connect to this ancient uh art of doing embarrassing things in the name of

00:21:57.680 self-improvement yes it sounds like it's a form of exposure therapy right you have this anxiety that

00:22:02.420 people are gonna think of you poorly but then you just do these things where you put yourself in

00:22:06.880 situations where you think people are going to be thinking bad about you and then you kind of get a

00:22:11.600 nerd to it any other things besides walking a banana you can do to embarrass yourself for sure yeah

00:22:17.700 there's there's tons i mean when i became a dad about three years ago and someone gave me a book

00:22:23.760 of dad jokes and they're all terrible they're just awful jokes so i've been testing them out on strangers

00:22:30.560 and if you stop people in london during rush hour to tell them a bad joke it's going to go down like a

00:22:37.460 lead balloon and it's honestly so embarrassing for me and for anyone that i stop to tell them this

00:22:43.700 terrible joke but in the process it is learning to sit with that discomfort that mental discomfort

00:22:50.140 so that's one thing that i've been doing people could announce the next stop on the train out loud

00:22:56.220 they can sing out loud while they're walking down the street it's all about embarrassing yourself

00:23:01.240 there's a great show in the u.s actually it's called impractical jokers oh yeah i'm not sure if you

00:23:06.320 know yeah so basically that is this concept is called shame attacking and albert ellis is a big fan of

00:23:13.320 shame attacking and there's even a shame attacking championships where people have to try and outdo

00:23:17.960 each other by doing embarrassing things in public but the key is to make sure it's about you being

00:23:22.560 embarrassed not trying to embarrass other people so it's a personal development thing but it's pretty

00:23:26.760 funny when you you unpack it a bit we're gonna take a quick break for your word from our sponsors

00:23:31.360 and now back to the show so the next philosophy you look at in the book is taoism for those who aren't

00:23:41.440 familiar with taoism what are its main ideas so this is an ancient chinese philosophy and it's

00:23:48.520 very practical in a way it became a religion as it evolved and it became semi-official religion for

00:23:56.760 china at one point and some people view it as a philosophy others view it as a religion so there's

00:24:02.620 there's a mix and it's all down to interpretation it's very practical and the main purpose again is

00:24:10.260 to lock into this idea of building a good life and flourishing and for the taoists there's a real

00:24:16.960 connection to nature and using nature and building that relationship with the natural world around us

00:24:23.820 in fact the way that they learned about the universe was through observation of the natural

00:24:30.180 world and we can see this because the taoists created the hang glider and they created it as a

00:24:35.980 way to understand the natural laws of the world around them in the chinese mountains so observing nature

00:24:43.500 connecting to nature there's also a well-being side of taoism things like tai chi and qigong

00:24:50.320 qigong where you are basically performing movements and breath work and all of this can help us to

00:24:59.260 kind of cultivate well-being so there's loads of ideas i mean i'm really simplifying here and

00:25:04.220 hitting the top line of course because all of these philosophies are so detailed but for me that the key

00:25:09.060 thing that i connect to with taoism is this relationship with with nature and also trying to

00:25:14.580 understand ourselves our intuition as well this is a big thing there's uh there's a lot of talk about

00:25:20.460 one of my favorite ideas in taoism is this this concept called wu wei which is where you go with

00:25:26.180 the flow and you kind of emulate nature so when water is confronted by a rock it will go round it will

00:25:34.520 work with the obstacle and if you look at bruce lee and how he used to use his opponent's strength

00:25:42.100 against them it would kind of you know very sort of yielding in the way that he would work and there's

00:25:47.940 lots of quotes that are very taoist in nature that you'll see if you're a fan of bruce lee's work

00:25:52.660 so there's a lot going on with taoism but yeah for me i love that connection to nature that's

00:25:58.260 something that i found is is very practical getting out into the the natural world yeah we did a whole

00:26:03.760 podcast a long time ago about taoism and about wu wei and i think about this book all the time it's

00:26:09.820 called trying not to try did you come across that during your no i haven't come across it now yeah

00:26:14.380 so the guy uh his name was edward slingerland and he wrote he just it was an introduction to

00:26:19.040 taoism but yeah that wu wei i mean the translation that he proposed it's like effortless action like

00:26:26.260 you're trying going with the flow like you just do something and you do it awesomely but it feels

00:26:31.400 effortless so i think all of us have experienced that moment where we're in that flow state

00:26:35.800 and so taoism was all about trying to get into that wu wei state and there's different camps

00:26:42.920 in taoism just like there was different camps in buddhism and one camp thought that you could

00:26:49.480 achieve wu wei this effortless action by practicing a lot and like you know doing things over and over

00:26:54.900 again until it became effortless and then some people thought well no that's actually you're trying

00:27:00.480 too hard to achieve that effortless state needed to kind of achieve it through this sort of not even

00:27:05.960 trying to try state but yeah i think the whole idea is you that you want to achieve this ability to

00:27:11.900 do things without having to exert much effort and one of the practices you recommend to help you

00:27:18.080 achieve that is going on a wu wei adventure so what's a wu wei adventure yeah i love this as an idea so

00:27:24.540 basically it's it's just learning to tap into your intuition a little bit and just going with the

00:27:29.680 flow so a classic example would be let's say you rock up to a new city and you've got a general sense

00:27:36.920 of where you are but it's almost like not relying on the maps and everything like the itinerary that

00:27:43.360 you've put together it's just going with the flow and trying to trust your intuition and explore in a

00:27:49.680 very open way and seeing what happens when i was younger i went on a trip around europe where you

00:27:55.960 can buy these things called interrail tickets where basically have a ticket on every train so

00:28:01.040 you can go wherever you want whenever you want and you just float around and it was uh just before i

00:28:06.280 went to university and there was something amazing about not knowing where you were going to be the

00:28:12.520 next day and knowing what necessarily where you're going to be sleeping and kind of tapping into that

00:28:16.560 going with the flow seeing what happens if you're enjoying a place you spend more time there

00:28:20.940 if not you move on and you're just learning to be a little bit more intuitive in how you're living

00:28:26.300 now obviously the disclaimer is you know try and do it in a safe manner and don't do anything silly but

00:28:32.080 it's a nice way of connecting to our intuition and learning to just kind of be a bit more open to

00:28:38.860 whatever it is that we might encounter in the real world yeah and the other practice you recommend

00:28:43.660 just spending more time out in nature and you can combine a wu-wei adventure adventure with nature

00:28:48.540 time maybe you go to a state park or a national park and just see where the where things take you

00:28:55.800 and again you got to be safe about this you don't want to do anything dumb that will get you

00:28:59.240 injured or killed but yeah spend time in nature do things spontaneously add some serendipity in your

00:29:04.760 life in your previous book we mentioned this earlier how to be comfortable with being

00:29:08.480 uncomfortable it's inspired by stoicism so you've it's no surprise that you included stoicism and

00:29:15.060 seriously happy i think most of our listeners are familiar with stoic philosophy but for those who

00:29:19.260 aren't give us a thumbnail sketch of its big ideas yeah for sure so stoicism is very similar in the

00:29:26.920 sense it's trying to achieve eudaimonia it's trying to create a life that flows well and they're all

00:29:34.220 about tapping into the cardinal virtues which are these kind of virtues and quality of character

00:29:41.340 that they believed everyone should strive towards so we've got courage justice wisdom and self-discipline

00:29:48.840 or temperance and if we can lock into those then the stoics believe that ultimately we could live a

00:29:54.660 better life but there's tons of ideas within stoic philosophy and you know i found it particularly

00:29:59.940 helpful for me when i was in my mid-20s that's when i discovered it off the back of really bad

00:30:05.760 anxiety and i found that a lot of the ideas really spoke to me particularly the idea of building

00:30:11.960 resilience by stepping outside of your comfort zone and doing difficult things in the name of

00:30:17.500 self-improvement that that really changed my life and it's interesting because the more i learned so i

00:30:22.020 started with stoicism that's how i got into philosophy the the more i started studying that the more i

00:30:27.380 realized that it was actually the cynics who taught the stoics this idea so some of these ideas that

00:30:32.060 diogenes did sort of filtered down to the stoics and i really like where those two philosophies meet

00:30:38.580 because i think stoicism is not as extreme as cynicism and that's why i think a lot of people have

00:30:43.240 really connected to it and resonated with it because it's something that you don't need to give

00:30:48.200 away all your possessions to be a stoic you can still connect to this idea and it's it's highly

00:30:53.060 practical so yeah i love it and i continue to use it in my life but obviously i like to dabble in

00:30:58.960 other philosophy as well it's nice to pick ideas and use certain bits that resonate with you so what

00:31:05.380 are some practices that people can do to incorporate stoicism into their life yeah so i think one of the

00:31:12.360 practices that i really like is this idea of sympathia and it's one of these things that there's a guy

00:31:19.160 called heracles who created this uh diagram it's basically concentric imagine concentric circles and

00:31:26.000 in the center is you and then in the next circle is family the next one is friends the next one is

00:31:32.220 neighbors and then it goes on and out towards you know everyone in the country etc and the goal of

00:31:39.340 sympathia is to be able to bring everyone closer to the center so that you're treating friends like

00:31:46.380 family and neighbors like friends you're being very open and kind in society and you're trying to be a

00:31:54.700 good part of society and help basically make the world a better place and it was just a nice way of

00:32:01.060 sort of framing it and when you see the diagram it's quite interesting and the process of this is called

00:32:06.240 oikiosis of bringing people closer to you to spread this kindness and this this sympathia so i really

00:32:13.320 like that idea and it's just being nice to people isn't it it's just um spreading kindness and that's

00:32:18.060 something that i think the world definitely needs and small random acts of kindness is a great way of

00:32:23.240 actually practically doing this yeah you spend a lot of time talking about how stoicism can help you

00:32:29.520 with your social life because the stoics thought a lot about this they they realize that a lot of our

00:32:34.260 vexations in life are often caused by other people or you know us thinking it's being caused by other

00:32:40.540 people you know i think marcus aureli said that line where it's like hey just realize that there's

00:32:46.060 going to be people today when you go out there they're going to be annoying but you can't let that

00:32:50.020 get to you so i mean you mentioned this the sympathy thing where you think about everyone could be

00:32:55.540 someone you can help out but any practices that people can incorporate in their lives so that they're

00:32:59.880 not as annoyed by people as they typically are yeah so i think a great thing to do is if someone is

00:33:07.440 challenging let's put it that way or if someone is really horrible to you the way that you can frame

00:33:13.280 that in a practical way is to switch it around and see it as a test of your character you're not trying

00:33:19.720 to control that person you have to accept that they're you know they're outside of your control

00:33:23.720 what you're trying to do is focus on your response to them so the the key idea in stoicism is it's not what

00:33:29.960 happens to you but how you respond and this was an epictetus quote but it's really like the golden rule

00:33:36.560 and stoicism it's about how we deal with things that are in and outside of our control and how

00:33:41.080 other people are to us when they're unpleasant that's not really within our control so it's up

00:33:46.020 to us to respond well to these challenges and if we see it as a test of our character this is really

00:33:52.220 tapping back into that eudaimonia vibe where we're trying to build character and we see it as a test

00:33:57.600 we frame it as a test and suddenly it's about us now and how are we going to deal with it it's not

00:34:02.340 about this other person as being horrible it's like okay we accept that that's going to happen

00:34:06.380 in life we're going to encounter difficult people what do we do about it so flipping it around like

00:34:11.560 this is actually really powerful i do this all the time when i'm dealing with people who are a little

00:34:16.460 bit challenging yeah you can almost make a game out of it like okay just how calm and collected can i

00:34:22.640 stay in the face of this uh annoying person because i mean it's actually kind of fun to see someone

00:34:27.100 who's flipping out on you get more worked up because they're bugged that you're not affected

00:34:31.800 by their uh diatribe and you can do this with your kids too like make it a game how unaffected and calm

00:34:38.640 you can stay when they're having one of their meltdowns and besides seeing it as a test of character

00:34:44.360 as to how unaffected you can be by other people and circumstances you also recommend just doing things

00:34:51.680 that make you uncomfortable so like you said the stoics are a less extreme version of cynicism

00:34:57.260 so they did things like sleep on the ground wear a shabby looking tunic take cold baths so you can do

00:35:03.880 something similar like that to get outside of your comfort zone and build up some stoic resilience

00:35:08.120 you've also included a competing philosophy of stoicism in your book epicureanism what's its story

00:35:14.460 so this is a fascinating philosophy and epicurus created a school of philosophy in athens called

00:35:23.420 the garden and it was like a community more like a retirement home i guess and the purpose of this

00:35:29.800 was well the purpose of epicurus's philosophy was to enjoy life that's what he felt was the important

00:35:36.400 thing life is there to be enjoyed and it's really interesting because when people hear that they will

00:35:42.760 often think that that's hedonistic and that he was this real party guy and everything was just in

00:35:50.240 excess but that's the biggest misconception about epicurus and his philosophy in reality he found that

00:36:00.100 too much excess would actually lead to unhappiness or discomfort and his philosophy was all about trying

00:36:08.520 to live a life where it's not uncomfortable so if you're partying all the time it's going to catch

00:36:14.780 up with you you're going to get the fallout from the partying that's actually not he sort of valued

00:36:21.880 not feeling like that higher than he felt you know he he didn't want to feel bad so in a way trying to

00:36:30.880 avoid that made it easier if that makes sense no that makes sense so i think i've heard that when they

00:36:38.500 look at pleasure you know feeling good they're not just looking at it in the short term they're

00:36:43.520 looking at at it also in the long term yeah that's it exactly yeah so that that was really the driving

00:36:49.720 philosophy is is how to enjoy life and he he sort of discovered that simple pleasures were really the

00:36:57.840 way to to connect with this and the food in epicurus's garden was very basic boiled lentils and a lot of the

00:37:07.360 vegetables were homegrown and it was minimal in a way and i think he's trying to encourage people

00:37:13.580 to really appreciate the simple things in life because it's easier to achieve that as well for

00:37:18.600 instance on a very hot day when you have a glass of cold water it's incredibly satisfying and there's

00:37:25.440 something really rewarding about that you don't need the complexity of different juices and different

00:37:30.560 tastes actually appreciating the simple things in life was a great way of learning to be more

00:37:39.480 appreciative of everything and that's really what epicurus talks about so it's a great philosophy

00:37:44.800 yeah so some some of the challenges you have eat simpler food and learn how to savor it so when you're

00:37:50.540 eating your lentil soup it's like hey i'm gonna just really be with this it can't you can become a

00:37:55.880 meditative practice almost how does this feel in my mouth what does it taste like and then you also

00:38:00.940 recommend only drinking water for a week or a month another way to practice epicureanism yeah that's

00:38:08.900 right so in the garden the water was the main drink that was a big part of it so yeah we're really

00:38:15.040 trying to emulate that and it's also just a bit of self-control moderation can you handle not having

00:38:21.960 coffee and tea or whatever throughout the day how does that feel are you able to be in control

00:38:27.120 this idea of moderation really comes in and epicurus encourages moderation because that

00:38:32.420 that's ultimately cuts off these like peaks of you know dopamine hits and kind of highs and lows so

00:38:39.500 yeah it's trying to find find things that help us to appreciate the small things in life yeah another

00:38:45.680 challenge you recommend inspired by epicureanism is taking a digital fast what does that look like and have

00:38:51.680 you done these in the past oh yeah for sure like i do this a lot i find i just put the phone away

00:38:58.040 and try and do as long as possible it normally coincides with being away on holiday because i find

00:39:03.960 that that's actually a practical time to do it but it's amazing how connected we are and dependent we are

00:39:11.040 on this tech i often feel that the first few days are quite challenging a little bit twitchy and edgy

00:39:17.880 just thinking oh what's in the inbox what's happening and it takes a little bit of time for

00:39:22.720 the mind to be okay with that so actually that to me is a real indicator that there's value in doing

00:39:28.800 this and interestingly epicurus encouraged the people who lived in the garden to not engage with

00:39:37.620 kind of political scandals and the kind of politics of the day in a way it was a bit head in the sand

00:39:42.820 and it was like you come to the garden and you're going to disconnect a little bit you don't have to

00:39:48.340 be up to date you don't have to be following what's going on you can just disconnect a little

00:39:52.800 bit so really that's a modern way of doing that is by cutting ourselves off from the tech that we are

00:40:00.560 so dependent on and it also highlights our relationship to that so there's definitely value in

00:40:05.580 being able to take some time away from it i think it's really useful yes take a break from twitter

00:40:10.240 take a break from reddit daily mail that's your your vice checking the news just don't watch don't

00:40:16.620 look at that stuff for a month yeah exactly and i think you're not going to miss anything it's almost

00:40:21.680 impossible to miss anything big nowadays because someone's going to talk to you about it and you're

00:40:27.520 going to hear about it so you don't need to be following every story every breaking story now every

00:40:32.000 new story is breaking news really so there's value in kind of stepping back from it i think the same

00:40:37.100 social media as well we can get really caught up with social media and it's hard because it's

00:40:43.340 addictive it's designed to be addictive as well so if adults find it hard you know teenagers are going

00:40:48.440 to find it really hard as well so i think there's so much value in trying to understand our relationship

00:40:54.560 with all of this tech and being able to kind of get some kind of control over it and the digital

00:41:00.260 fasts are a good start towards that because it highlights our dependence you know day one you're

00:41:06.240 going to feel it and actually that's good because then it it makes you realize how dependent you are

00:41:11.300 on this and obviously not everyone but i find sort of generally when we look around us most people are

00:41:16.860 addicted to their phones i'm a big fan of aristotle so i was happy to see that he he ended up in your

00:41:22.060 book aristotle wrote about a lot of different things what part of aristotelianism did you focus on

00:41:28.840 for your book seriously happy yes i mean he's contributed so much to the western thought and

00:41:35.840 philosophy in general but in seriously happy i wanted a really practical thing that people could

00:41:42.060 connect with and use so his decision making method his model for making decisions is absolutely brilliant

00:41:49.620 and i use this a lot so i wanted to to share this this is really the main thing that we drill down on

00:41:55.160 in the book so i'd like to go through it with you yeah it'd be great and well i'll give you the sort

00:41:59.660 of top line basically this is good for big decisions in life not necessarily when you're in the coffee

00:42:05.740 shop trying to decide what to drink or what you're having for lunch this is more of a big life decision

00:42:10.540 so the first step is to ensure that you have the space to actually process your decision give

00:42:18.120 yourself time to think about what this uh this means so don't rush it the second thing is make sure

00:42:24.180 you're in the right mental state so obviously if you're drunk you're not going to be thinking

00:42:29.800 clearly if you're overly emotional if you're really stressed if you're really tired all of these things

00:42:35.600 can impact your decision so you want to be in a good mental space when you're making your decision

00:42:40.540 then you want to look at all the facts involved so for some people you know they're going to use a

00:42:47.420 spreadsheet maybe and they'll be very meticulous with it but it's really just making sure that you've

00:42:52.040 considered everything try and get everything in one place so that you can kind of process it

00:42:56.080 then you would consult an expert and i don't think we should have blind faith in experts but at the same

00:43:04.680 time if you wanted to learn the piano you would probably want to talk to someone who can play the

00:43:09.180 piano so there's value in speaking to people who have gone through what you're going through or who can

00:43:14.300 actually advise in a good way so then you want to think about family and friends and all the people

00:43:20.500 that this decision will impact is it going to have an effect on their lives what's it going to do for

00:43:26.540 them so if you for instance if you're moving how's this going to affect your family and all the people

00:43:32.640 around you in your life so that's the next step then you want to look at history so you can start

00:43:39.480 mining your own history in your life to see if you've had to make a decision like this before if so how did

00:43:45.020 it go what did you learn but you can also think bigger picture look historically see if anyone else

00:43:50.400 has had to make a similar decision and how did it work what lessons can we learn from that and then

00:43:56.240 the final two steps is to be quite mathematical what's the probability of the you know what kind

00:44:03.420 of outcomes are you going to get and what's the probability of each one so that's a really important

00:44:07.340 thing to think okay is this going to happen if i if i make this decision what you know xyz what's

00:44:12.120 going to happen and then finally you can think about how luck would play into that decision so if

00:44:18.460 you get green lights on everything and it goes really well what's going to happen you know what

00:44:22.580 could be at the end of that decision and also what could happen if everything goes wrong if you get red

00:44:28.100 lights and it all goes in pet shapes so considering all of those things aristotle believed that you would

00:44:34.740 be fully prepared to make a big life decision and i love that i think it's a really practical tool

00:44:41.220 yeah that's uh i think it goes to his idea of practical wisdom or phronesis just how to figure

00:44:48.400 out what the right thing to do at the right time for the right reasons and you have to make these

00:44:54.280 decisions all the time and the process you laid out can help people develop that practical wisdom so

00:45:00.380 that whenever so they can reach a point where they don't have to actually go through that process it

00:45:03.820 kind of becomes intuitive it all becomes like almost woo way like right you just you know based on your

00:45:09.720 experience of making these decisions over and over again going through that process you fine-tune

00:45:13.640 your ability to make decisions absolutely and i think you will get better at doing it the more you

00:45:18.500 do it but i think sometimes when you have a big decision a really big decision sometimes mulling

00:45:25.380 it over in depth like this and having a system and a method that you can actually work through

00:45:29.440 i find that is really helpful and you can really just take your time to work through it and

00:45:34.940 yeah i think that that is very valuable and as you said this book's geared towards young people

00:45:40.040 so young people like teenagers they're going through a period of their life where they're

00:45:43.760 making some really big important decisions where they're going to go to college uh who they should

00:45:48.800 marry what they should do for a career so this process can can help with that so if you're a parent

00:45:53.280 it's another tool you can give them to help them make these important decisions

00:45:56.400 yeah for sure and it's a tough time you know when you're a teenager there's a lot going on

00:46:01.420 you've got powerful emotions and trying to manage all of that making decisions that are sound so

00:46:09.200 yeah it's hard and i think having some kind of framework is super useful so i think this method

00:46:14.260 is good and you also challenge people or recommend people or young people i think anybody as well

00:46:19.500 is just to make more decisions a lot of people they take a very passive approach to life just like i

00:46:25.340 just don't care oh where do you want to go to lunch oh whatever you want and so because they're

00:46:30.880 constantly passing the buck they don't have the ability to make decisions when it matters so

00:46:35.780 one recommendation you have is just to start making more decisions even over like small 0.76

00:46:40.480 dumb things like what you want to eat for lunch or what movie you want to watch

00:46:43.740 yeah definitely that's a great tool as well and yeah what do you want to watch you know rather than 0.90

00:46:49.200 just go i don't care you actually just make a decision just do it and also don't worry if it's the

00:46:54.440 wrong decision i think people get really hung up on that oh what if i make a mistake what if i decide

00:46:58.640 something that doesn't work out well that's the part that we need to get comfortable with and

00:47:03.740 just learn that yes sometimes our decisions aren't going to be perfect but the more we do it the more

00:47:08.240 we learn to trust ourselves and just know that everything is all right and we can work through

00:47:12.700 whatever happens so yeah just being more decisive it's a good thing to do i think everyone can tap

00:47:18.600 into that and i think also making decisions helps you figure out who you are i think a lot of young

00:47:23.120 people i think even you could say adults i go through this like i don't know who am i like what

00:47:27.940 am i about making decisions forces you to actually think about what you're about and who you are

00:47:35.020 yeah exactly and knowing that yeah sometimes the wrong decision is actually great because it's taught

00:47:40.780 you something about yourself that maybe you didn't know before and is highlighted yet that's not the

00:47:45.860 direction i want to take so there's value as long as you find value in in everything you do and

00:47:51.020 always look for the lesson that's a really good way of framing decision making well ben this has

00:47:57.180 been a great conversation where can people go to learn more about the book in your work yes so the

00:48:00.920 best place is my website ben aldridge.com and there's links to social media there's pictures from

00:48:07.260 all the philosophy challenges and bits to my books and stuff we've got an educator's guide on there so

00:48:12.760 this seriously happy book that's coming out in september has this this pdf that we've created with the

00:48:20.240 publishers and it's basically starting discussions in classrooms and people who are educators and

00:48:25.700 parents can use this as a way to really drill down on some of the content within the book so

00:48:30.920 yeah the website is uh the best place to go fantastic well ben aldridge thanks for your time it's been a

00:48:35.960 pleasure thank you so much for having me back great to be here and chatting to you my guest

00:48:41.440 today was ben aldridge he's the author of the book seriously happy it's available on amazon.com

00:48:45.180 you find more information about his work at his website benaldridge.com

00:48:48.420 also check out our show notes at aom.is slash seriously happy where you find links to resources

00:48:53.060 we delve deeper into this topic

00:48:54.320 well that wraps up another edition of the aom podcast make sure to check out our website at

00:49:05.600 artofmanless.com where you find our podcast archives as well as thousands of articles that

00:49:09.500 we've written over the years about pretty much anything you think of and if you haven't done

00:49:12.860 so already i'd appreciate if you take one minute to give us reading up a podcast or spotify

00:49:16.020 helps out a lot and if you've done that already thank you please consider sharing the show with

00:49:19.820 a friend or family member who you think we've something out of it as always thank you for the

00:49:23.580 continued support until next time it's brett mckay reminding you to not listen to the aom podcast

00:49:27.380 but put what you've heard into action

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The Art of Manliness - September 04, 2024

10 Philosophy-Inspired Challenges for Becoming a Better and Happier Man

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