The Art of Manliness - #161： Turning Boys Into Men： The Power of Mentoring

00:00:00.000 brett mckay here and welcome to another edition of the art of manliness podcast so a while back

00:00:19.200 ago i got an email from an art of manliness reader his name is dream gunter and he uh he's

00:00:24.680 he does a lot of mentoring for at-risk young men in the oakland area so we're talking young men in

00:00:30.500 poverty who are at risk for crime and the like and he was working on a book directed at these young

00:00:37.300 men and he asked me to contribute something to it it's all about skills that a guy should learn

00:00:43.440 that a lot of these young men weren't learning because they didn't have dads and that book came

00:00:46.880 the man book and it's out right now we're going to talk about it today but also on the podcast i

00:00:52.040 talked to dream about mentoring or being a mentor for young men and why it's so important what you

00:00:58.220 can do to become a mentor to other young men and why even if you're a grown man your 30s 40s or 50s

00:01:05.080 should find mentors in your life to help you become your best self also we talk about just this content

00:01:11.220 in the man book a lot of great stuff about becoming responsible holding yourself accountable we talk

00:01:16.620 about dealing with setbacks and failures talk about a huge setback that dream had while he was in

00:01:21.960 college that shattered his dreams of professional baseball a really interesting podcast with a lot

00:01:28.140 of great takeaways so without further ado dream gunter and the man book all right dream gunter

00:01:41.980 welcome to the show thank you all right so you have this book uh called the man book out and uh you

00:01:47.920 asked me uh to be a part of it which i was really honored we're gonna get to that we're gonna talk about

00:01:51.600 that in a little bit but before we get there let's talk about what brought you to writing the book

00:01:57.240 um you have a really interesting background um because you're a young guy uh i mean you're in

00:02:02.420 your 30s i'm imagining yeah i i think i think i'm young yeah so but you spent uh most of your

00:02:10.880 adult life uh mentoring young men so we're talking like high school kids yes what are the biggest

00:02:18.160 problems you saw in the lives of the young men you worked with and talk more about the type of young

00:02:23.380 men you did work with okay um so the type of young men that i usually worked with are inner city youth

00:02:31.420 so it was most of them most of them would be black and latino background um i thought it was really

00:02:37.680 important to to touch those cultures um because of the struggle that a lot of them have been been a part

00:02:43.300 of the biggest problem that i see with young men is just the lack of belief in themselves and i think

00:02:49.360 it's due to the support around them since the lack of belief in themselves is so low they sometimes do

00:02:54.460 whatever it takes to make others believe what they want to create about themselves gotcha and do you

00:03:00.860 think that that lack of belief in themselves i mean did it stem from not having fathers is it poverty

00:03:06.880 is it not you know not having that support uh network there yeah actually i actually believe

00:03:13.200 it's the challenge they face i think they go to every race so i think that some of the topics that

00:03:19.300 i touch in the book are for every single race so the the youth that i've worked with is not

00:03:25.000 primarily about race it's more about culture and the poverty where they grew up in and when they

00:03:30.920 a lot of that poverty is based on not having a father around i don't know the stats exactly but i know

00:03:36.180 that when there's this one parent household or one income coming in it's less likely that the family

00:03:40.840 is going to be successful and of course a lot of people have made it out but some people don't know

00:03:44.620 how to make it out and they're struggling and the kids and the young men in those families have to put

00:03:49.700 a lot of burden on themselves so they're trying to do something and show something and create something

00:03:53.940 that they don't really know how to do exactly i always tell people if they've never been shown

00:03:59.780 something how do you learn how to do it you know and when i was growing up i played baseball and if my dad

00:04:04.160 never showed me how to play baseball how would i know how to play baseball yeah so i mean yeah

00:04:07.620 having that dad around just not even like to like show you specifically like sit down and show you

00:04:12.220 hey son this is how you do it but just being a model you learn a lot through osmosis as a as a as a kid

00:04:17.900 i tell people all the time i say for me as a man every child i come in contact with

00:04:24.300 i need to make make sure that a child's watching me so whatever i do i act like a child's watching me so

00:04:30.120 i don't want to do anything that i wouldn't want a young man or um or a young woman also to see

00:04:34.180 so i try to make sure i live my life in an area where somebody can watch me and learn from me i

00:04:39.020 have actually a two-year-old son currently but even before he was born i still had a lot of young men

00:04:43.440 that i was connected to and i want to make sure that i showed them a model of how to how to walk and

00:04:47.780 how to talk and how to do certain things yeah being coming to dad definitely makes you more

00:04:52.600 self-conscious of how you act because you realize i mean mike my son's like five and like he's

00:04:58.360 you you realize you don't think they're watching but they are because like he's done stuff that like

00:05:02.680 i did that and like i'm like that's the only where the only place he learned that you know

00:05:06.680 to do that like it was from me and i didn't sit down and teach him how to do it a lot of times we

00:05:11.720 don't even know that they're watching us so for example i hate and it's going to be terrible it's

00:05:16.740 going to you're going to hate this but i hate vegetables like i hate vegetables and i eat i eat my

00:05:21.460 meat but i don't eat the vegetables like i should and my son is two years old and now he doesn't eat

00:05:27.180 his vegetables and i'm watching him like why won't you eat your vegetables and i'm starting to

00:05:30.780 realize that maybe he sees dad not be his vegetables and i've never told him i always tell him to eat

00:05:35.320 his vegetables but it's just because he watches they see what i do yeah they're always watching

00:05:40.480 so like what in the beginning of the book i talk about a young man and the reason why i wrote the

00:05:46.600 book i took these young men to see a motivational speaker and i don't know if you know who tony robbins

00:05:50.940 is but i took him to see tony robbins and we're in a hotel room and we're listening to music

00:05:55.720 and one of the young men was talking about how his father lives actually a block away from him

00:06:00.500 so basically my program i had him in my program and i had this brother his brother lived with his

00:06:05.200 dad and his brother would come to the program every saturday and say hey dad told me to tell you hi

00:06:09.260 and the young boy was 18 years old he said i don't understand why my brothers always tell me that my

00:06:15.240 dad says hi why can't he call me he only lives a block away from me he says i'm 18 years old i don't

00:06:19.460 know how to tie a tie i don't know how to talk to a young woman i just don't know how to do things that 1.00

00:06:23.240 i feel like a father is supposed to teach a son and all i know is about everybody that's shown me

00:06:27.140 on my in my neighborhood how to how to do these man man things and they don't do it in the right way

00:06:31.160 so that's when i said what what can i do like i know my role is to be these young men's mentors but

00:06:38.200 what can i do to help other young men get over that hump of learning how to deal with that you know

00:06:44.720 with the loss of a father just getting that manhood advice from somebody so that's why the book was

00:06:50.960 created gotcha not yeah it's the man book's office it's got a lot of great photos in it and

00:06:56.380 it's littered with different like man skills that you wish you know that dads are supposed to teach

00:07:00.680 their their sons but you start off the book thank you talking about um accountability and responsibility

00:07:07.620 why is that the reason i started off with that is because i feel like men in general have an issue

00:07:15.360 with accountability it is all it's always someone else's fault you know when we do certain things

00:07:21.340 it's it's not my fault but it's somebody else's fault all the time accountability means letting

00:07:25.240 go of your act let your let your actions rise above your excuses in the book i talked about three steps

00:07:30.980 of accountability um it's like in the beginning is taking responsibility during it is empowering

00:07:37.240 yourself and after is accepting personal responsibility gotcha and and how can a man

00:07:44.260 develop more accountability and responsibility lives even like you know even like i've noticed

00:07:48.980 myself i'll do that too like the whole like something wrong happens and then i'll just like

00:07:54.660 i'll blame something else and i'm like well i probably should step up and take so i mean even if

00:07:58.700 you're if a man's in his 20s 30s what can they do to develop more accountability in their lives is it a

00:08:04.780 matter of getting a group of friends that hold them accountable is it just holding themselves

00:08:09.360 accountable i i think actually it's everything combined in a one you know it's having a mate

00:08:15.340 that holds you accountable it's about having friends that hold you accountable and also yourself and i

00:08:20.000 think that's the biggest part of holding yourself accountable because i know if i do something or even

00:08:24.620 if i don't do something if i'm a part of something then it's my responsibility to give my part i know in

00:08:29.580 the book i talk about if you're in a group a study group and you're all have a certain project going

00:08:34.580 on and the person in your in your group doesn't do a certain part and then you end up not doing

00:08:40.520 your part either and then you guys get an f and then you get mad and you say you know they didn't

00:08:43.940 do their part so that's why we failed but you have to realize that you didn't also do your part

00:08:47.580 and you didn't also do the part to the level that it should be at you know so you have to take

00:08:52.100 responsibility for your actions in every aspect of your life and i think that's really huge in

00:08:56.440 young men because as we're growing up we just like children so like i was saying my son's two

00:09:03.200 and he might do something and i say you know josiah my son's name is josiah i'll say josiah

00:09:08.460 you know did you go back to vegetables you eat your vegetables and he'll say yes knowing he didn't

00:09:12.960 eat his vegetables and i i'm thinking about how did a young child that's two years old already learned

00:09:17.540 how to lie and already learned how to not be accountable so i think it's it's kind of inherited

00:09:23.440 and um all like just as as young people as grown people we just don't take accountability for our

00:09:29.720 actions and adults grandparents every a lot of people don't take accountability and i think

00:09:34.180 that's huge in our in our world today is being accountable for the things that you are a part of

00:09:38.800 gotcha gotcha so you move on and you talk about i thought this was really interesting you talk about

00:09:44.600 three approaches or three levels of how people approach life can you talk about what those levels

00:09:49.700 are yeah so the levels are uh survivalist success and significance and i think that most people

00:09:57.640 they want in life to have number three the most but they want to do it while getting number two

00:10:05.280 which is so they want to do it with significance but they want to get it while they're getting

00:10:10.580 success so like if you're getting success but you're not significant sometimes people can just

00:10:15.180 deal with that you know or if you're significant but then you're you're you're broke and you don't

00:10:19.580 have any money you know you're like what's going on and i think the goal is to how how do you

00:10:24.400 create all of that into one gotcha and so just to clarify so survivalist is like you're just

00:10:30.700 trying to get by right and yes bare bones is necessity and success is is when we're talking

00:10:36.800 about success are we talking about primarily financial success and actually no we're talking

00:10:41.560 about all types of success but just living a comfortable life okay all right and then significance

00:10:47.060 is i'm guessing it's just like living a life of meaning or leaving having a larger purpose and

00:10:51.560 leaving a legacy exactly living with purpose so in the book i talk about four steps you have to take

00:10:57.500 to get a significant life and actually to create all three and and without if you miss even one of

00:11:03.460 those steps it's hard to create that significant life that you want to create and the the steps are

00:11:08.500 passion confidence goal and lifestyle and what i mean my passion is before anything starts you have to

00:11:15.120 get a passion for something as i was saying when i was younger i played or not in college i played

00:11:19.480 baseball and my passion was being the best player i could be that i had a passion for baseball when i

00:11:25.680 wrote this book i had a passion for changing young people and and it's actually kind of crazy going off

00:11:32.240 topic but the book was for young people and young men that grew up without a father but the feedback

00:11:37.120 i've been getting from people is that this book has been beneficial to all men so not just the younger

00:11:42.240 man that i thought that i was writing the book for but it's been beneficial for all men and also even

00:11:45.980 women are having that have sons or trying to just know more about how a man should act that's just 0.99

00:11:53.080 side note but passion is about what what does your heart really desire and confidence is huge because

00:12:02.580 if you can't create confidence in yourself other people are believing you also and and when i mean

00:12:07.700 confidence i don't mean cocky i mean that you really believe that your passion is important and you

00:12:14.840 have confidence that's what you're what you're passionate about is is it's helpful to somebody

00:12:18.900 else when you do goals i talk about smart goals and i know in school they always talk about smart

00:12:24.040 goals which are specific measurable attainable realistic and timely so you have these goals that

00:12:31.060 you have to create and write down your goals that's based off your confidence and your passion

00:12:34.620 and the biggest part that i feel like is is lifestyle you know a lot of times we have passion for

00:12:40.120 something so say we want to change the world or we want to um i don't know if you want to cure um the

00:12:46.040 water epidemic that we have you know and then in your lifestyle you continue to drink bottled water

00:12:51.040 you know whatever whatever you say your passions and what you're confident and what your goals are

00:12:55.580 your lifestyle has to match that so if you want to be a person that wants to like lift up women and 1.00

00:13:02.660 make sure women are living successful but you're always dating 10 women at a time then you're you're not

00:13:08.600 living the lifestyle of what you're trying to create so basically you're just saying like walk

00:13:13.000 the talk right exactly right okay yeah i've seen that happen a lot where people yeah they have they

00:13:19.240 have this idea or ideal that they they want to strive for but they don't actually live up to it or

00:13:25.160 actually put that into action all right so uh you talk this is kind of interesting you have this

00:13:30.060 section about vulnerability and yeah you don't really associate that like being vulnerable as a guy

00:13:36.380 thing like that's not masculine but you explained vulnerability in kind of a different way that

00:13:42.020 made it like okay that that makes sense what do you mean by like a man should be vulnerable

00:13:47.260 yeah so like most men have been taught to hide who they really are you know or i wouldn't say

00:13:55.400 hide who they really are they've been taught to hide their feelings you know we we're supposed to be

00:13:59.720 we're supposed to get upset be tough and laugh we don't really show the other emotions or we're not

00:14:07.180 supposed to show those other emotions and i think one of the biggest complaints when i talk to women 1.00

00:14:11.840 is i always hear women complain about the thing that they have issues with with men is that we always 0.96

00:14:16.300 shut down you know we get upset we shut down we don't want to be touched we don't want to be talked

00:14:20.220 to we just want to shut down and go into our own cave and and i feel like this that's the biggest

00:14:24.740 issue in this world today and that's why i feel like people get killed people get hurt i feel like

00:14:31.200 that's why a lot of things happen is because we hold so much in us until we explode and then we

00:14:35.160 explode then that's when we kill somebody or that's when something happens you know because we're holding

00:14:39.140 so much anger and so much frustration in us instead of being able to let it out and talk to somebody

00:14:43.880 or be vulnerable open up to even if it's just open up to people close to you but you have to be able

00:14:48.080 to let something out and i heard this one time that before you can even receive something so

00:14:53.560 all right let me actually give you an example so if i decide that i want to give up smoking

00:14:59.620 right i have to if i give up smoking i have to uh combat that something with something else so

00:15:06.940 if i let go of that i have to get something else right so i can't just say i'm going to stop smoking

00:15:11.100 and then just stop cold turkey if i say i'm going to stop smoking i need to uh maybe work out at that

00:15:17.080 time that i feel like i have to smoke so something has to change that that desire to smoke

00:15:23.100 so that's the same thing with with being vulnerable we have to have something that can can heal us from

00:15:31.340 that hurt or something that can take over that hurt so when instead of us just holding it all in

00:15:35.280 we have to be able to let it go to get something else into us right we can't even receive anything

00:15:39.760 if we're holding so much hurt into us and so much frustration into us so we can't love if we're not

00:15:44.160 being vulnerable so it all comes together if we don't open up we can't we can't receive anything

00:15:49.440 does that make sense yeah yeah yeah and then i like how you also talk in the book about how

00:15:53.940 uh vulnerability is like the the first step towards self-improvement in a lot of ways

00:15:59.320 right like you have in all aspects yeah because you have i mean basically being vulnerable is like

00:16:04.040 admitting like i don't have all the answers i'm not good at this thing and like that i mean i know

00:16:08.660 for a lot of guys like that's kind of that sucks like you don't want to admit that like you're 0.84

00:16:13.120 incompetent or you're not good at something right you're just to put on this you know uh front that like 0.91

00:16:18.080 you you have it together but if you want to actually get better you have to admit and be

00:16:23.900 vulnerable and like say hey i don't know how to like tie a tie can you show me how and how many men

00:16:29.220 want to do that especially to another man you know no yeah and then and and also is the fun if i mean

00:16:35.160 we make jokes about a lot but you know if we're driving around and we have a woman on a patch seat we 0.99

00:16:39.260 don't want to stop and ask for directions because we have to feel like we know it all yeah you know and

00:16:43.320 it's funny but it's true because we have to we have to always show that we are a man's man

00:16:48.940 instead of saying you know what i don't know how to get there let me give directions yeah you know

00:16:53.240 thank god for now our iphones and our our cellular device that can give us directions so we don't have

00:16:58.220 to ask anybody else but you know it's it's it's just the the true statement that men have an issue with

00:17:05.280 giving themselves up yeah or feeling not even giving them feeling like they're giving themselves up

00:17:10.340 yeah like they we like i feel like we let ego get in the way sometimes right of a lot of things

00:17:16.420 yes yeah right and so i mean it happens to let me i just like here's a perfect example of my own life

00:17:21.780 of uh vulnerability is like i'm i'm lifting weights right and i'm trying to get stronger

00:17:26.100 and i i have a coach that i go to and like i send him my my uh videos of my lifts so he can

00:17:33.720 critique them and today's list like they just sucked i just i was not feeling good this morning

00:17:38.120 and they were terrible and i knew they were terrible but i had sent him in to him anyway

00:17:42.700 because i knew like he's going to have advice for me what to do um so i kind of admit like i

00:17:47.140 this suck i i sucked right now but i need your help and i know that he's going to send feedback to me 0.86

00:17:52.260 that's going to help me get better and improve upon that so it all starts with like opening yourself 0.96

00:17:56.520 and letting go of the ego yep and working out is probably is one of the one of the biggest parts

00:18:01.560 you know just like if we're if we need a spot in the gym a lot of times we're like no we don't want to

00:18:05.080 ask for a spot because we got this and then the weight gets too heavy and it's stuck on our chest

00:18:08.700 and we can't even pick it up and then you don't want to show that we exactly exactly right um all

00:18:14.840 right so uh you move on a lot of this is really interesting you talk about the the three f's plus

00:18:20.160 one as the backbone of being a man can you explain what the three f's plus one is yeah so three f's are

00:18:27.220 fight failure fear and then the plus one is faith um you know i feel like every man has been taught

00:18:35.600 these things right and it could be good or bad but and even if it's you don't have a father around but

00:18:39.860 everybody's been taught you know that you fight you know there's failures there's fear and there's

00:18:46.060 faith but you i mean we might have all been taught differently but we've all been taught these things

00:18:49.620 um and even if people don't agree with my points in this book everybody agrees with these four things

00:18:57.080 are something that we live with day to day in every aspect of our life we are either fighting

00:19:01.620 you know for what we believe or we're not fighting because we're we're we're fearful that we're going

00:19:07.980 to fail in what we believe in or we're fighting because we have the faith to believe that what we're

00:19:13.400 fighting for is right and that can be in every aspect so um i think fight failure fear and faith

00:19:19.540 are important in our life and i just what i put in this book was trying to simplify that into

00:19:26.020 understanding why these things are important for us and why they matter and maybe not in the same way

00:19:30.940 everybody else sees them gotcha so dream here's a question so you uh work with a lot of at-risk youth

00:19:38.540 the the the sad thing about poverty or like the the young men who are at risk like it's a it's a

00:19:46.480 it can oftentimes be a cycle right it just goes on always always yes always so how do you break out

00:19:54.620 of that i mean you talk about uh you know men need to become a changeover but like how do you do that

00:19:59.780 how do you actually escape from your past and what are the biggest obstacles that prevent young men

00:20:06.460 from letting go and growing from their their past that might not have been so great

00:20:11.120 and it's that's a great question and it's and it's huge because um so i'll tell you how this

00:20:19.180 how the changeover basically started um talking to one of the friends of mine he has a son and he was

00:20:25.440 talking about how um his son is about eight years old and he said that it's really hard for him to

00:20:31.460 you know relate and be there for a son all the time and i didn't understand what he was talking about

00:20:35.320 because my father's always been there so i i don't think i ever appreciated it until i talked to

00:20:40.480 my friends that didn't have fathers around and he was telling me that sometimes he'd just go home

00:20:44.960 and cry because he didn't know what he was teaching his son was the correct thing and i and it blew my

00:20:49.200 mind because i said wow if he's never been taught something how does he know how to teach this what

00:20:54.060 like what is what what can he do and i told him and i called him later on that said you know what

00:20:58.740 you're going to be the changeover look in the dictionary to see what changeover meant and it said just

00:21:03.100 to change to do something different and i said wow this is you can change your legacy like this can be

00:21:08.280 a word that we can use to change the whole trajectory of like your whole family's lifeline

00:21:15.980 is if you change then everybody else behind you changes and and if you go to any kind of you know

00:21:22.400 what people say the projects or the hood if you go to these places a lot of times it the grandmothers

00:21:26.760 or the great-grandmothers lived in the house then the grandmother took it over then the mother took it

00:21:29.880 over then you know the son or whoever else has taken it over but the house stays in the family

00:21:34.200 because everybody's been in the same in the same house right how do you change that if your whole

00:21:39.260 legacy has been one thing you know and my my thought was you have to see yourself as whatever

00:21:48.900 you decide you want to create and want to become you see yourself as that right and the biggest thing

00:21:54.020 is connecting to the mentorship piece in there but the thing is to find somebody that is what you want

00:21:59.300 to become and once you find somebody that's what you want to become you model after them you find

00:22:04.760 that so for example my dad is to me probably the most amazing man in the world right and it's going

00:22:12.200 to be funny but i've never seen my dad do anything wrong and and i've literally never seen him look at

00:22:16.160 somebody say oh what what do they what are they wearing he i've never heard him cuss never nothing

00:22:19.420 everything he does is about positivity and uplifting and um when i went to college one of my friends

00:22:25.380 uh his dad was i think his dad was a pimp and his mom was a prostitute um and they gave him up to his

00:22:32.500 grandmother then he left his grandmother when he was about 14 so this kid was living on his own

00:22:35.880 till he was in college so he's in college and and we're doing things and we became really close

00:22:40.440 and he came to my house one time he was talking about how he didn't have a car he didn't know what

00:22:45.080 to do my dad and and so i'll tell you my parents aren't they're not the most wealthy people in the

00:22:51.720 world you know they're regular middle class people that struggle just like everybody else but also can

00:22:56.000 pay their bills he was talking about his struggles how he's never really been given anything never

00:22:59.580 been got a gift or or he and he doesn't have a car my parents decided to give him their car and this

00:23:05.280 was in 2002 and they gave him a 98 intrepid so a fairly newer car and they decided just to give him

00:23:13.880 their car because they felt like he needed something and this kid cried and cried and cried and now this

00:23:19.160 man has two kids and he is probably the best father ever and he does everything and he always

00:23:24.900 credits that just from that moment that my dad gave him that car because he said he realized that people

00:23:29.540 are do care about him and there is people that are important and just because he saw somebody

00:23:34.120 caring for somebody else now he knows how to care for other people and that's a simple simple thing

00:23:38.500 that happened that changed his whole entire life gotcha and just what i'm saying is you can be the

00:23:43.660 changeover based on just modeling somebody else's actions awesome and it also takes we'll talk about

00:23:49.680 this later too but it takes someone who's you know let's quote unquote gots it together got it

00:23:54.580 together to reach out and help someone who needs that that change exactly exactly okay we'll talk

00:24:01.780 about about that in a sec well let's go back to this i just i read this about you and i thought

00:24:06.480 this was really interesting so you you talked about failure and that's a big part of every man's life

00:24:12.320 they're gonna have big setbacks in life can you tell us about a big setback in your life that you

00:24:17.460 had to overcome and how did you handle it yeah so um wow so i have actually yeah i've had i've had a

00:24:26.400 huge setback in my life um it basically changed everything about me when i was in college i played

00:24:32.380 baseball i was in missouri i did actually really well playing baseball and i thought i was going to be

00:24:37.260 drafted um and a lot of the people thought i was going to be drafted i actually was traveling around

00:24:41.840 different places to perform for different teams when i was in college at that time out of nowhere

00:24:46.420 my liver failed i i didn't understand why because i didn't drink you know usually when you when you

00:24:51.260 think about liver failure you think about somebody's an alcoholic and i had never tasted alcohol in my

00:24:56.300 life so it was very awkward for me to have an issue where my liver was had failed and at that time i

00:25:02.020 didn't know what to do i was taking i worked out a lot and i was taking um a pill that i thought was

00:25:08.760 just you know over the counter pill thought it'd be fine come to find out the pill had a steroid in

00:25:12.780 it but not a steroid to like get you stronger but a steroid to kill you so my liver failed and

00:25:18.460 i didn't know what i was going to do so i went from 245 to 145 in a month my bones had kind of

00:25:25.700 deteriorated so much that i can barely even walk so i was in a wheelchair and and trying to get by

00:25:30.320 every day and it was just it was horrible doctor came into my room and told me that there was a

00:25:35.220 possibility i can die and he told me like if i wanted to get a liver transplant they would have

00:25:40.140 to seek out somebody that had the same you know liver as me and i decided that i didn't want that

00:25:44.020 i said you know if it's my time to go it's my time to go because he told me that if i got a liver

00:25:47.740 transplant and the person was a smoker or something like that their traits i might inherit those traits

00:25:53.100 and i decided no that's nothing i want to do i'm gonna just you know hopefully hopefully just

00:25:58.760 make it i was blessed and i made it after i made i went back to try to play baseball again

00:26:03.520 and the ncaa my first game of season i was on we were playing um at the metrodome

00:26:08.200 in minnesota and i was getting ready to go on the field and my coach got a call saying that

00:26:13.200 the ncaa is not gonna let me play because i had taken a steroid so i didn't understand because i

00:26:17.980 said that i didn't know anything about it being a steroid my doctor wrote letters to him and said

00:26:22.360 jureen didn't take a steroid it was or the steroid wasn't it wasn't a steroid to boost him working

00:26:27.220 out it was a steroid that kills him the ncaa still wouldn't let me play and they basically said

00:26:31.860 that they it wasn't that what i was taking was negative but they had to basically make

00:26:36.220 an example out of me a good player that you know that was taking something i shouldn't that i

00:26:41.280 shouldn't have been taking so at that time i had no idea what i was going to do i was stuck i said

00:26:46.060 all i thought i was going to do is ever play baseball so i came back home i've been working

00:26:49.720 with youth over the summer i i come out and help out of different programs and i said you know what

00:26:54.280 let me just help out my community start working with students and i realized that that was what i was

00:26:57.740 supposed to be doing and that's why i got sick so that i can come out here and be a blessing to

00:27:02.300 these young men so i definitely had a huge setback but that oh that setback basically was really a

00:27:08.740 setup for this huge success about changing lives of young men and how do you avoid i mean did you

00:27:15.560 get angry i mean and if if not like what did you do to like not get angry like i mean i could see

00:27:20.480 myself just totally getting angry at the world god like the ncaa like yeah no no oh no it was it was

00:27:27.320 it was complete like when they first i was completing because you know as as a you know 20

00:27:32.060 year old baseball player you're thinking this all you're going to do and i'm stuck i don't know what

00:27:36.320 to do um and i was angry you know and and i won't and to this day i won't say that i'm angry now i wish

00:27:45.260 i could know what the possibility would have been but i feel like everything happened exactly how it's

00:27:50.580 supposed to happen so at that time i was angry um but i think the anger changed about

00:27:56.460 two and a half months later after i came back home and i think i was also embarrassed because

00:28:02.660 i was saying how could they say that i took a steroid i did take a steroid you know when i look

00:28:06.240 at steroids i think about players you know like mark mcguire people that were intentionally taking

00:28:10.600 steroids to get better and that wasn't me so i was really frustrated um but but when i came back home

00:28:20.120 and i went and worked with i think it was my first student i uh went into i was a p teacher i went

00:28:25.060 to a kindergarten class and i had this kindergarten circle up and we were just dancing around and doing

00:28:31.040 little moves and i had them um play four square and it was my first day and my teacher i mean one

00:28:37.520 of the students a five-year-old boy said you're the best teacher we've ever had and this is my first

00:28:42.380 day and i said wow i guess that's what i'm supposed to do um and that's when everything just kind of

00:28:47.540 started i just stayed with that and i ended up running stolen and doing different things because i felt

00:28:51.400 like that's what i had to be doing and i love it now that's awesome that's awesome so you found

00:28:56.180 another opportunity and you took it yes gotcha and also i guess another lesson is don't like the

00:29:03.340 guys out there because i know a lot of guys work out and they do like be careful the supplements you

00:29:06.840 take because oh my goodness please yeah please they um they actually um they end up having me as a

00:29:13.240 spokesperson um for um a lot of different things i had to go speak speak on capitol hill

00:29:18.920 about supplements a lot of things that i found out is that if things aren't actually you can go

00:29:25.520 into gnc and say hey i want you to sell my product and they can sell it it doesn't have to be fda

00:29:31.120 approved for them to sell it at gnc which is incredible like that blows my mind i'm like how

00:29:35.780 can a corporation be able to sell whatever they want you know without without it going through some

00:29:40.420 type of you know regulations and they and they don't have to yeah there's there's really no regulation

00:29:45.360 there like you can pretty much slap a label on anything and anything it's crazy and the guy that

00:29:53.020 was selling my product was actually making it out of his um out of the trunk of his uh car he had he

00:29:59.500 has a minivan he was making a product out of the trunk of his minivan and sold in in two weeks he

00:30:05.200 sold 1.5 million dollars from this supplement that he made out of the trunk of his car crazy like they

00:30:11.380 they're selling this at gnc amazon yep whatever so yeah that's another thing that there's that's

00:30:16.420 something if you guys do it if you take supplements be careful of the supplements you take definitely

00:30:21.820 so watch out for that let's talk about male friendship what what role has male friendship

00:30:28.100 played in your life and be shaping the man you are i so i'll give you an example a long time ago i was

00:30:34.120 struggling with something basically about friends supporting me i i ended up being and my friends

00:30:39.340 weren't supporting it and um i was venting to another friend about you know the issue i had

00:30:44.140 with that and he said dream you have to understand because you support everybody else that doesn't

00:30:50.260 mean that everybody's reality is going to be your reality or your reality is not going to be everybody

00:30:55.500 else's reality and it made so much sense to me and and i couldn't at that time i was like wow why is

00:31:01.760 he saying that but afterwards i thought about what he meant by that and basically these people weren't on

00:31:08.600 the same path as me not that they weren't still my friends but they sometimes friendship is not

00:31:14.220 based on longevity like i've like i've always thought like if i've had if you were my friend for

00:31:18.000 20 years i feel like you should be my friend for the rest of my life you know and a lot of times is

00:31:22.720 friends are here for seasons so that might have been you know a five a good five year season but

00:31:28.360 i might have another friend that's here that pushes me and helps me grow so i think every friendship

00:31:32.580 is about what can they give to your life to make you better and make you stronger and i would also

00:31:39.320 say never stop being yourself like don't allow anybody else to make you not be yourself you know

00:31:45.560 find friends that appreciate who you are and help you strive to do what you want to do in the past

00:31:49.620 and don't hold your path over over your head let's end this talking about male mentorship this is this is

00:31:54.520 how it all started i'd like to end with this i know there's a lot of guys out there who would like

00:31:59.020 to start mentoring like it's something they feel like they they want to do but they're not sure how

00:32:04.240 to do it any advice for the guys out there who would like to start mentoring yeah for me mentorship

00:32:13.260 is the most important thing you can do and you can get out of so mentorship always not about the

00:32:19.080 young person or even the older person it's about yourself right and i don't want to take it as selfish

00:32:22.920 but mentorship can be selfish sometimes because what you don't know is that you're getting

00:32:28.320 so much out of it right kids have literally changed my life based on me just hearing things

00:32:34.380 they're saying they're the thoughts that they have about themselves and then it creates things that

00:32:38.240 i said oh you know what i have that same thought about myself you know so how do i help them and i'm

00:32:42.460 struggling too so it's very powerful um actually currently i'm trying to create a platform for mentors

00:32:49.180 for people that share the same goal so i'm trying to create some type of online thing where men can

00:32:54.840 become mentors if you're a young person and you want to be a doctor you can you can go on this

00:33:00.640 website and you can talk to a doctor about your thoughts and the doctor give you feedback about

00:33:05.480 how you can become what you want to become um i think it's really important for all men to

00:33:09.440 you know some and even if you're not even if you feel like you're not successful yet you still need

00:33:13.080 to be in some type of mentorship because what you have you can always share with somebody else and

00:33:16.400 help somebody else out yeah i mean like because i've had guys say that like i want to mentor but

00:33:20.440 like i'm 30 years old and like i feel like i need a mentor right and i got why should i be out there

00:33:25.680 mentoring these kids when i think i need a mentor even those type of guys should try to try mentoring

00:33:30.820 out definitely and i actually have a mentor now you know i'm 33 or my 34 no i'm 33 but i'm 33 and i

00:33:39.140 still to this day have a mentor i feel like you never stop there's always going to be somebody that

00:33:42.800 knows more than you about what you want to do and maybe it's not even what you want to do but you

00:33:46.580 might see somebody you say you know what i want to be that one day so that becomes your mentor you

00:33:51.480 talk to see if they'd be your mentor i have mentors now to this day and i'm this age and i mentor i

00:33:56.480 literally have about 20 to 25 young men that i mentor to this day so i think it's really and i i don't

00:34:03.180 encourage anybody to get that many because it's really hard to maintain those relationships because

00:34:07.180 mentorship should be personal so i would say grab try one young man and try to mentor that young man

00:34:12.820 and also get you a mentor also that can also give you the tools that you need so i think it's it's

00:34:18.560 it's every platform you come to people need mentors and uh dream this has been a great conversation

00:34:24.900 where can people learn more about the book and your work yeah so my book is actually on my website it's

00:34:31.240 not on amazon i know a lot of people ask about it it's on amazon and the reason it's not on amazon

00:34:34.640 because amazon i i created a product and i felt like the quality is very very high and when i put

00:34:43.560 on amazon the quality doesn't won't stay as high as it is um so that uh it's only on my website

00:34:48.940 currently and that's www.themanbook.org um so themanbook.org if you want to know more information

00:34:56.600 about it please uh contact me if you uh people need speaking engagements please contact me i've been

00:35:02.660 traveling a lot recently but whatever whatever i can do and to share the story of the man book and

00:35:08.020 change young man's life i'm willing to do awesome well dream gunter thank you so much for your time

00:35:13.180 it's been a pleasure thank you so much my guest today was dream gunter he's the author of the book

00:35:18.180 the man book and you can find that on themanbook.org

00:35:22.500 well that wraps up another edition of the art of manliness podcast for more manly tips and advice

00:35:30.380 make sure to check out the art of manliness website at artofmanliness.com and if you enjoy

00:35:34.820 this podcast i'd really appreciate it if you give us a review on itunes or stitcher help us get

00:35:38.960 feedback on how we can improve the show as well as help spread the word about the show as always

00:35:44.660 thank you for your continued support and until next time this is brett mckay telling you to stay

00:35:48.400 manly

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The Art of Manliness - December 08, 2015

#161： Turning Boys Into Men： The Power of Mentoring

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