The Art of Manliness - June 16, 2016


#210: Got Grit?


Episode Stats

Length

33 minutes

Words per Minute

194.51042

Word Count

6,470

Sentence Count

330


Summary

Dr. Angela Duckworth has spent her career researching what makes people gritty, and how we can develop this trait in ourselves. She is a professor of psychology at the University of Pennsylvania and the author of the book, Grit: The Power of Passion and Perseverance.


Transcript

00:00:00.000 Brett McKay here and welcome to another edition of the Art of Manliness podcast. So why are some
00:00:14.240 people more successful than others? This is a tough question to answer because it's a mixture
00:00:19.240 of a whole bunch of factors, many of which are out of our control, things like just dumb luck
00:00:23.820 or even our genetics. But there are a few factors that we have a say over and one of them is the
00:00:29.520 ability to persevere even in the face of setbacks. In other words, it's grit. And my guest today has
00:00:35.640 spent her career researching what makes people gritty and how we can develop this trait in
00:00:39.320 ourselves. Her name is Angela Duckworth. She's a professor of psychology at the University of
00:00:43.500 Pennsylvania and the author of the book, Grit, the Power of Passion and Perseverance. And today on
00:00:48.560 the show, Angela and I discuss her research on grit and insights on how we can develop this important
00:00:53.600 trait ourselves based on her visits and interactions with poor inner city students, West Point cadets,
00:00:58.660 and Seattle Seahawks football players. It's a really great show. A lot of actionable steps
00:01:03.680 you can start applying today to become a grittier man. And if you want to check out our show notes
00:01:08.520 after the show for links to resources that we mentioned throughout the show, so you can delve
00:01:12.760 deeper into this topic, visit aom.is slash grit. Angela Duckworth, welcome to the show.
00:01:22.980 Thank you for having me.
00:01:24.180 So I've been a fan of your work for a while now because I've read stuff you've been putting out
00:01:28.420 about grit and the grit scale and your TED talk, of course. And you finally got your book out,
00:01:33.500 Grit, the Power of Passion and Perseverance. Before we talk more about your research into the
00:01:39.340 characteristic of grit, let's define it first. What do you mean by grit or what is grit?
00:01:44.360 I define grit as both perseverance and passion for especially challenging long-term goals.
00:01:54.420 Got you. So it's passion and perseverance. And what got you interested in studying or researching grit?
00:02:02.220 It all started actually being a teacher in the classroom trying to teach kids who were going
00:02:07.120 through puberty, you know, how to solve an algebraic equation. And that normally takes grit,
00:02:13.100 but I think the more important thing was that I was struck by how differently some kids turned out
00:02:20.180 at the end of the year, that, you know, some kids got higher grades than I expected them to,
00:02:24.100 frankly, given how hard it was for them to learn the material. And other kids that I expected to do,
00:02:29.580 you know, straight A work all year ended up doing far from that. And it was largely because they didn't
00:02:35.680 try hard or long enough. I wanted to understand that a little better. I mean, like any well-meaning
00:02:41.320 teacher, I told my kids to work harder and I lectured them about the importance of, you know,
00:02:46.300 their futures. But as a psychologist, I think it's been my mission, my calling to understand why some
00:02:55.360 kids, you know, keep trying and why kids don't, to understand, to unpack the psychology of things
00:03:00.640 like grit.
00:03:01.400 And I think it's interesting. In your book, you talk about that you weren't the first psychologist to
00:03:06.120 research with, you know, something, something similar to grit. You talk about how the U.S. Army,
00:03:11.820 decades before, were trying to figure out why some soldiers did well at West Point or made it all the
00:03:17.860 way through the initial like few weeks of West Point, while others who were on the paper looked
00:03:23.180 extremely talented. They had a lot of potential and they just faltered. So can you tell us a little
00:03:27.340 bit about what the U.S. Army was doing with the sort of grit psychology before you got onto it?
00:03:31.820 Well, what West Point wanted to know was why some of the cadets who had been recruited through this
00:03:38.200 extremely, you know, kind of famously rigorous admissions procedure that requires a congressional
00:03:43.520 nomination and a physical fitness test of, you know, your aptitude in various areas, you know,
00:03:50.180 why is it that all of that, you know, recruiting valedictorians and varsity sports team captains,
00:03:56.180 why is it that so many of these young women and men these days, of course, originally it was just
00:04:01.640 men, you know, why do they drop out? You know, why do they drop out even before they've even begun
00:04:07.400 really seriously? For example, the first summer of training at West Point is called Beast Barracks.
00:04:13.060 Even officially it's called Beast Barracks or sometimes they just call it Beast for short.
00:04:17.360 And in those first two months, you know, many young men and women who everyone would have thought would
00:04:22.260 have been there at the end. They're not there anymore. So for decades, West Point had been
00:04:27.100 trying to figure this out, you know, doing various kinds of tests. And in 2004, when I came along with
00:04:34.600 the Grit Scale, which is just a questionnaire that captures the qualities of passion and perseverance
00:04:40.840 I was talking about, Grit Scale ended up being astoundingly predictive. The higher your grit score,
00:04:46.180 the more likely you are to make it through Beast.
00:04:48.840 And so what you found too was interesting is that, you know, I think before they go in, I mean,
00:04:53.620 people need to understand when people are accepted at West Point, they've gone through
00:04:57.760 this filtering process, this winnowing process. This is the best of the best. It's not just academic.
00:05:02.540 It has to have extracurriculars, fitness. And I guess some of the students are given a rating,
00:05:08.240 right? And they thought that this rating on paper would be the, would predict how well people would do
00:05:14.200 at West Point. But when you applied the Grit Scale or the Grit Test to these students, you found that
00:05:18.500 some of the students who looked good on this other assessment didn't do well, while others who
00:05:23.720 performed on the, like the Grit Scale is what predicted success getting past Beast Week.
00:05:30.200 Exactly. So the whole candidate score, which is the official term that West Point uses for this
00:05:35.780 composite of your, your SAT score, your high school rank, your leadership potential, as evidenced by
00:05:43.160 your extracurricular activities. And finally, your physical aptitude measured by objective tests,
00:05:48.620 like the two mile run, you roll all that into the whole candidate score. I'll tell you what it does
00:05:53.140 predict, but it's true that it doesn't predict finishing Beast. What it does predict is this,
00:05:59.180 if you stay at West Point, if you do hang around for those four years of training, and you graduate,
00:06:04.380 your whole candidate score is a tremendously reliable predictor of how well you'll do.
00:06:09.720 But as Woody Allen, the great philosopher, also, you know, comedian, said, 80% of success in life
00:06:18.300 is showing up. And talent is no guarantee that you'll be the person who continues to show up.
00:06:25.680 Yeah. And you talk about that in your book that I think everyone, we have this appreciation for grit
00:06:30.300 in our heads. Like we tell our kids, you got to work hard, stick to it, do it even if you don't feel
00:06:36.900 like it, because you'll get better at it. But then you argue in our book that when it comes to how we
00:06:41.440 actually behave, like we prefer talent, like we want to go with the natural. Why is it? Why is
00:06:47.160 there this disconnect where we tell, say one thing, but do another?
00:06:51.940 Such a great question. I think there really is a deep ambivalence. You know, I mean, I love naturals
00:06:56.720 too, in a sense, you know, I love to be dazzled. There's something very romantic about the idea of
00:07:02.160 somebody just having a special it factor. And, you know, we've all experienced this. Maybe it
00:07:07.700 depends on what you like to watch. But, you know, if you watch certain athletes perform or certain
00:07:12.900 musicians, and you just, they really do have this otherworldly magical quality, or it seems like we
00:07:18.160 like to think about that about them. On the other hand, you know, we really value effort and hard work
00:07:23.780 and, you know, being resilient and earning your achievements, you know, being a striver.
00:07:29.560 So I think that ambivalence is what is at the heart of experiments. For example, my colleague
00:07:35.020 and my friend, Chia Jung-se, she has run experiments where, you know, you get to see two performers.
00:07:42.600 They're actually equal in performance. I mean, she can even play you the same music, for example,
00:07:47.920 and have you judge, you know, how able they are, how skilled they are, you know, how good of a musician.
00:07:54.300 If she describes that musician to you as somebody who's a natural, who's gifted,
00:07:59.720 then you're more likely to think that person is going to be successful and accomplished later on
00:08:03.720 than if she gives you the same exact music, but she describes that person as a hardworking striver.
00:08:10.020 So she's kind of uncovered a bias, a maybe slightly unconscious bias, that is nevertheless real,
00:08:17.420 that in some ways, it's like when you go dating, and you're like, oh, really, I want to,
00:08:21.160 you know, I want to date the nice guy, but you end up picking the cute one.
00:08:25.400 Right, right, right. And I guess you talk about, you quote Nietzsche. Nietzsche, you know,
00:08:30.280 100 years ago, over 100 years, had that insight that we prefer natural talent, but like, you should
00:08:35.460 ignore that because it's, if you just sort of focus on talent, you do so to your detriment.
00:08:39.680 Yeah, and Nietzsche's insight here comes from a debate that he was having with his, you know,
00:08:47.000 sometime, you know, thought partner, Wagner, right? And they were talking about great accomplishment,
00:08:52.380 and Nietzsche says, you know, speak not to me of genius, and speak not to me of inborn talents.
00:08:57.720 And then he describes what he saw as the reality of excellence, which is, you know, a dedication to
00:09:03.260 your craft, a relentless, a relentless commitment to self-improvement, you know, never being satisfied
00:09:09.980 with where you are. And he said, you know, the patience to work on all the little small things
00:09:14.440 that do end up to being, you know, someone who we can laud now as, you know, a great artist,
00:09:21.300 as a great performer. And, you know, Wagner took the opposite view, which is that, you know,
00:09:25.640 some people are born in a certain way, and some people aren't. But I take the Nietzschean view.
00:09:30.340 And I think Nietzsche was also right when he tried to understand the psychology of like,
00:09:33.700 why do we keep doing this? Like, why do we love to call someone a genius and somebody
00:09:37.700 else not a genius? And he said that, you know, when we don't believe that we are in the same class as
00:09:44.180 someone, when we feel like there are different species in us, then here, we do not have to compete.
00:09:49.480 It lets us off the hook, you know, why try to run really hard when you're never going to be Usain Bolt,
00:09:54.120 you know, like, it's a way of just relaxing into this comfortable identity as somebody who
00:10:01.180 will never achieve the kind of greatness that we really admire, and therefore can accept the status
00:10:07.320 quo. So you argue in the book that there are four factors of developing grit. Can you share what those
00:10:13.540 factors are? Yeah, when I study paragons of grit, you know, people who really exemplify passion and
00:10:20.820 perseverance for something that they deeply care about, I find that they have four psychological
00:10:26.760 assets, as it were. And I think they're each acquirable, really. The first one is they have
00:10:32.740 deep interest. You know, they have figured out how to stay interested in one thing. And to make that one
00:10:38.420 thing new again, right? You know, you do anything for a while, the natural thing is to get bored. But what
00:10:43.780 happens with experts is that they find differences to still attend to, they find nuances. You know,
00:10:49.700 my guess is about you is that, you know, in some ways, you've been interviewing people about similar
00:10:54.180 topics for a long, long time. And yet, I think there's always a newness, like something yet to
00:10:59.200 be discovered, a nuance or a depth that you haven't yet reached. At least that's the way I feel about my
00:11:04.000 work. Second, it's a capacity for practice, a capacity to practice your weaknesses, to get feedback
00:11:10.560 from a coach, from a peer, to really reflect on that feedback and make a refinement and to start
00:11:18.520 all over again in that continuous improvement cycle that I mentioned earlier. Third, a sense of purpose.
00:11:26.060 And in here, I really mean other-centered purpose. You know, a sense of what you do is not just for
00:11:31.300 yourself, but for your team, for your company, for your country, for your family, for the sport. You know,
00:11:38.300 I've not interviewed a paragon of grit who doesn't have a sense that, to some extent, they're on a
00:11:42.960 mission, and the mission involves the well-being of other people. And fourth and finally, there's
00:11:47.640 hope. You know, learning to focus on what you can control and what you can change when things are
00:11:54.060 not going well. Okay, there's a lot to unpack there. But before we get there, you said that these traits
00:11:58.120 are, you can develop these psychological traits. But I'm curious, what does the research say? There's all
00:12:02.600 this research coming out about genetics and even influencing temperament and things like that.
00:12:07.340 Is there any research about whether grit is inborn or if it's a mixture of social upbringing or your
00:12:14.120 environment? There was actually recently a study of twins in the United Kingdom. I think it was
00:12:20.600 2,000 pairs of twins. And these studies basically go like this. You know, you have twins by knowing
00:12:27.500 their relatedness to each other. And, you know, oftentimes, you know, twins raised apart. So they're in
00:12:32.520 different families, twins raised together. You can kind of back into how much is nature and how much
00:12:37.500 is nurture in traits like grit. And in this recent study, there was an estimate for how heritable,
00:12:44.160 how genetic grit is. And the estimates came in as about 20% or so for passion and about 40% or so
00:12:52.660 for perseverance. When I read that study, I actually was a little bit surprised not to find that there was
00:12:58.420 a genetic component to how gritty we might end up being, but actually that the estimates weren't
00:13:03.100 higher than that. Because in many studies, traits like grit end up being more heritable, you know,
00:13:08.280 40, 50% of the variation attributable to our DNA. So the bottom line, I think, is this. Like any other
00:13:17.140 thing that you might care about, you know, how shy you are, how tall you are, how smart you are,
00:13:22.040 whether you're going to get skin cancer, how likely you are to be overweight or not overweight,
00:13:27.960 there is definitely a genetic component, but it's not 100%. It's a fraction of that. So for all of the
00:13:35.340 things that I mentioned, including grit, your experiences and your environment really matter.
00:13:41.300 Okay. So work with what you got, basically.
00:13:44.340 I think so. I mean, I don't spend a lot of time thinking about my genes because I can't do anything
00:13:49.180 about them. Right. Exactly. So let's go back to this idea of this factor of interest. And it seems
00:13:55.420 that this is where passion is connected. If you're interested in something, you're passionate in it.
00:14:00.580 So how do you, we have a lot of young guys who listen to this podcast. They're in their late teens,
00:14:05.140 early twenties, they're trying to figure out what they're going to do with their lives.
00:14:08.000 And you often hear this refrain that you should follow your passion, but how do you figure out what
00:14:13.260 your passion is or your interest is if you don't have one at the moment?
00:14:18.900 I have always wondered why commencement speakers keep exhorting everyone to follow their passion when
00:14:24.360 most people in the audience don't have one yet. Just like you said, you know, I would follow it if
00:14:29.640 someone could tell me what it was. So, you know, maybe it's a little more helpful to think about
00:14:34.340 fostering a passion because it really is an active process. When people become interested in things,
00:14:40.340 it happens, you know, not necessarily all in a moment in time. You know, if you, if you,
00:14:45.180 if you try to date back your interest in something like a particular sport or, you know, something
00:14:49.380 that'll eventually become your job, your profession, it's, it's true that there are, you know,
00:14:53.700 sometimes these memorable experiences, like the first time I got to, you know, work with a great
00:14:57.860 coach or, you know, the first time that, you know, I realized that like writing could be something
00:15:02.060 that I could do for a living, but invariably there are subsequent experiences. Sometimes interest
00:15:08.700 researchers like to call this triggering and re-triggering where that interest gets deeper
00:15:13.080 and deeper. And that requires typically, you know, supportive people around you, like, you know,
00:15:18.400 other athletes on your team who make it an overall positive experience. One paragon of grit that I've
00:15:24.700 closely studied is Mark Vetteri. He's a world-class chef. He's, you know, my favorite chef in Philadelphia.
00:15:31.180 And, you know, when he remembers his boyhood, it's not that he knew when he was a kid that he was going
00:15:37.040 to grow up to be a chef. He actually thought he'd become a musician. But if you look at his
00:15:41.680 trajectory, he started cooking a little bit with his grandmother. You know, that was a very positive
00:15:46.720 emotional experience. You know, he started hanging around in restaurants. He just, he washed dishes
00:15:51.500 to make money because teenage boys like making money for, for, for good reason as well. And the people
00:15:57.700 in the kitchen were nice to him. He had a stutter and he was a little bit of an outcast in high school.
00:16:02.920 And when he went to the kitchen, he, you know, washed dishes. I gave him food to eat and it was
00:16:06.900 delicious. People are nice. And he started going to kitchens more and more. So it's, it's a messy
00:16:11.580 process. It, it doesn't happen in a moment in time. It often takes years to really grow into an
00:16:18.020 interest. And I think for the young people who are worried that they don't have a passion,
00:16:23.040 it's absolutely normal when you are exploring things to not yet have a passion. But what I would urge
00:16:29.400 them to do is to keep, keep trying to, to foster one because, uh, if you don't look for it, if you
00:16:35.940 don't try, you're certainly less likely to cultivate one than if you do. I think your story is also a
00:16:42.740 great example of how you find your interest or your passion. Cause I mean, you started off as a
00:16:48.360 business consultant and then you went to go teach at a, you know, lower income school. And this is this,
00:16:54.300 then you found out, okay, I want to figure out why some kids stick with it and some kids don't.
00:16:58.280 So you got your PhD in psychology. Uh, so this took several years to finally, to the point where
00:17:03.480 you're, you're the grit lady. You know, and I became the grit lady. Yes, exactly. And you know,
00:17:10.520 there was even more skipping around than that because, you know, I was a consultant in my late
00:17:14.680 twenties and, but there was some skipping around that, that, you know, I could tell you about,
00:17:18.660 but the point is, is that there was a lot of exploration before I figured out what I really
00:17:23.300 wanted to do. I, you know, it's a little bit like dating, right? I mean, you know, I'm pretty glad,
00:17:28.500 frankly, that I didn't marry the first guy that I went out with. And each time I broke up with
00:17:34.020 someone or, you know, they broke up with me, I think it was because one of us realized that this
00:17:39.120 isn't, you know, we weren't, we weren't going to do this for life that, you know, for one reason or
00:17:43.220 another, there's somebody else that we could have been with and been happier. It's not that dating is a
00:17:48.600 bad thing. But I think that if you are not at least trying to figure out something that eventually
00:17:54.520 you will stick with, right? Then again, you know, you're not going to likely find that thing. And
00:18:01.500 I'm so much more gratified by my life now that I have an expertise. I, you know, wake up every day
00:18:11.320 thinking about a fairly small set of scientific questions, all related to the psychology of
00:18:17.700 achievement. And I'll never get bored of those questions. And that's something I couldn't say
00:18:23.120 to you when I was 22 or 25, or probably even 31. It was not until my, you know, fourth decade of life
00:18:33.000 that I really started to hone in on what would make me so passionate and persevering in the way that I
00:18:41.780 feel like I am today. And so, so interest, I think a lot of people, it's kind of the fun part,
00:18:46.580 you're exploring, figuring out what you like. But the hard part about grit, and the thing I found
00:18:51.700 hard with it, and when I throw out and I look at my life is the practice part. And it's not just,
00:18:57.440 I think a lot of people have a miss, like a, not a good idea of what practice actually is.
00:19:02.540 You focus a lot on deliberate practice. For our listeners who aren't familiar with this concept,
00:19:06.280 what is deliberate practice?
00:19:07.920 Deliberate practice is very methodically and intentionally working on very specific aspects
00:19:17.080 of your overall performance, then trying with complete effort to remediate those weaknesses,
00:19:24.700 getting feedback, largely on what you're doing wrong, of course, because you're trying to do
00:19:29.100 something you can't yet do. And then reflecting, making a small refinement, and repeating the process
00:19:35.760 all over again. It is complete common sense, you know, what else would you do? Of course,
00:19:40.680 you would do that. But if you ask the question, how many people are really doing that, you know,
00:19:44.700 really honing in on something that they can't yet do, that would make them better, trying with full
00:19:49.820 effort and concentration, seeking out the feedback about what they should do differently,
00:19:54.580 making a refinement and starting all over again. I think a lot of people are frankly going through
00:19:59.320 life without doing any of that. And they're just sort of doing the same thing that they did
00:20:03.040 yesterday in a pretty unthoughtful, or in a way, mechanistic manner. Deliberate practice,
00:20:09.960 most people experience as highly effortful, and not very fun. There are exceptions, and I think those
00:20:17.160 exceptions are interesting. But I think the first lesson is that practice isn't supposed to be
00:20:21.920 like performance, which can be flow-like and delightful. Practice is, for most people,
00:20:29.080 really, really hard. Yeah. And so how do you, in your research and the people you've talked to,
00:20:36.000 what are these individuals who are consistent with their practice? It's very hard. How do they
00:20:41.340 keep themselves motivated to keep practicing the violin? You talk about spelling bee champions and the
00:20:46.060 amount of hours they spend practicing spelling. How do they stay motivated for that? Even when,
00:20:51.540 to do it, even when they're like, man, I don't want to do this anymore.
00:20:54.120 Well, you know, we should forgive ourselves for having those thoughts. I interviewed Rowdy Gaines,
00:21:00.120 who was the 1984 gold medalist in the 100-meter freestyle. And he also, I think, set the world
00:21:06.140 record in that same event. And, you know, he said that he hated getting up at, what, 4.30 in the
00:21:12.720 morning in the middle of, you know, the darkness of night, getting into a bathing suit, you know,
00:21:17.160 walking to the pool, jumping in, and not taking a leisurely, you know, lap or two. I mean,
00:21:21.800 like pushing his body to its very limits, you know, sometimes painful, often tedious. He didn't
00:21:28.000 love practice. And so, you know, we shouldn't beat ourselves up too much about the fact that,
00:21:32.100 you know, we can sometimes get that feeling of like, God, this is, you know, what am I even doing
00:21:37.800 here? Because everybody does occasionally, at least, experience that. I think one thing that
00:21:42.860 makes it easier is to make it a habit. You know, something happens when we do something at the
00:21:46.860 same time and in the same place in a ritualistic, routine way. And one of the things that happens is
00:21:53.620 that, you know, to some extent, it becomes a little more automatic. I mean, many people have
00:21:57.600 an exercise routine that, look, it's not that it doesn't take any effort, but it makes it a little
00:22:02.180 easier that, oh, it's just what I do. I'm going to get up at 6 o'clock in the morning and I put on my
00:22:06.580 sneakers and I'm out the door. So routine and habit are one recommendation. The other recommendation
00:22:12.900 is to go and hang out with a lot of people who are doing the same thing. So if you're going to try
00:22:17.160 to, you know, do something like begin running as part of your life, can you join another group of
00:22:23.580 people who are all going to be doing the same thing? Because really, human beings are, by their
00:22:28.140 nature, conformist to a logic. So, you know, we do what the herd does and it makes it easier if the
00:22:34.240 herd is, you know, doing something gritty if, of course, being gritty is something that we aspire to
00:22:38.700 ourselves. Right. And I guess imagine like having a purpose helps in that too, because you can
00:22:42.820 always connect the tedium to that higher purpose. Exactly. And, you know, it's not always easy to
00:22:49.580 see, but when you ask Rowdy Gaines, well, why did you swim, you know, so hard in practice? You know,
00:22:55.100 he laughed a little and he said, you know, I think I actually swim around the globe, you know, the
00:22:59.220 equivalent of it, right? If you add up all the, you know, each in 50 meter increments, right? But he
00:23:05.260 knew even when he was doing it, and it's not just in retrospect, right? Because he's, of course,
00:23:09.640 older now, he knew even at that moment that he had an overall passion for the sport that, you know,
00:23:15.980 the, the hours of practice put into the pool, we're, we're part of something larger. And so I
00:23:20.340 think that perspective of like, you know, this is not just sitting here, it is, it is part of a
00:23:25.800 bigger picture. I think that really does help. So I'm a parent and I'm sure that a lot of people
00:23:29.780 who are listening are parents. And this is like a trait I want to instill in my kid, like to keep
00:23:33.960 working at it, even if they don't succeed the first time, um, and persevere. Are there any tips
00:23:40.140 or in from your research that what parents can do to help encourage or foster grit in their own
00:23:45.220 children? One of the parents that I interviewed, because he himself is a paragon of grit, but you
00:23:51.240 know, like you has a, has a really deep desire to instill grit in his kids is Joe DeSena, who founded
00:23:58.940 the Spartan race. And, um, you know, he told me a story about a day where, where he lives, you know,
00:24:04.620 they live near mountains and, um, his son was on the ski team. And one day Joe was surprised because
00:24:10.740 he knew because of the time of day that it was the middle of ski practice. And his son comes in,
00:24:15.140 he's like, take it off his gloves. And, and Joe says, you know, what's up? Uh, aren't you supposed
00:24:19.660 to be out there? And his son said, it's too cold. Um, and Joe said, you better put your gloves
00:24:25.580 back on because, you know, we're going back up that mountain and we're going to ski down it.
00:24:30.520 And I think they, I think they walked up the mountain actually, um, uh, and, and they skied
00:24:35.580 down it. And I asked him, you know, what was the, what was the lesson you were trying to teach your
00:24:39.840 son? And he said, you know, I think kids are always learning and, uh, it's not just when we
00:24:45.900 think they're learning. And I didn't want my son to learn to quit. So I, you know, took him up there
00:24:51.680 and I showed him that he could do it. Uh, I showed him that it wasn't as bad as he thought,
00:24:56.420 right. That it wasn't impossible to do something like that. Um, and I also made him realize that
00:25:01.600 like he should keep going to ski practice because if he comes in before it's over, his dad's going
00:25:06.740 to take him out and make it even harder. Um, so, so, you know, I think the lesson is that,
00:25:11.780 that the kids really are learning at all the time. And we do have an opportunity as parents
00:25:18.480 to show them what they won't come to on their own. You know, I'm a parent of a 13 and 14 year
00:25:23.740 old girl. Both of them are girls. And, um, I thought when they were younger, I, I model grit
00:25:30.520 for them. They'll just, you know, do what I do. I don't think that's enough. I think that's helpful,
00:25:35.300 but, you know, to expect kids to, you know, practice their piano when they'd rather go out
00:25:39.440 on a play date or, you know, to always be resilient when they, you know, lose a race or, you know,
00:25:44.440 to know what to do when, um, when they screw up and they do badly in a, in a class, you know,
00:25:49.760 they really need parents to, to say things to them. Like, you know, it's, it's natural to want
00:25:54.360 to quit on a hard day, but I'm not going to let you. Right. So you got to be intentional about it.
00:25:59.320 I think so. I think so. And it is very hard, isn't it? I mean, you know, parenting is so hard.
00:26:04.240 You don't want to think about it, right? Cause you're, you have other things to think about.
00:26:08.520 Yeah. Yeah. But you know, you know, but yes, I think it being intentional. Absolutely.
00:26:12.720 Yeah. One of the things I like the suggestions that you do in your own family is like the hard
00:26:16.060 thing rule where I can say more about that. Yeah. I mean, I would, I would love to hear more about
00:26:21.200 that. You know, as a parent, I, and as a psychologist, I was trying to navigate, um,
00:26:27.740 you know, in the sense that I, I knew that on the one hand, my kids needed me to help discipline
00:26:33.300 them. Right. You know, kids are five, six, seven. Again, you know, they, they, they, they invariably
00:26:38.260 need a parent to, to tell them occasionally that like, no, you absolutely have to do
00:26:42.680 your practice before you can, you know, go out and do this other fun thing outside or
00:26:46.560 whatever. Um, so on the other hand, I knew that they needed autonomy because human beings
00:26:52.160 do not pursue things with passion that they have not chosen for themselves to do. So here's
00:26:57.480 how we manage that in our family, even since our kids were very little, five years old, I
00:27:03.400 think, uh, my husband and I said that in the Duckworth family, everyone has to do a hard
00:27:08.620 thing. That's the first part of the hard thing rule that you have to have a hard
00:27:11.800 thing for my daughters. Um, you know, piano for one, um, and the other, um, was eventually,
00:27:19.720 you know, viola. But the point was, is that by heart, I meant requiring that deliberate
00:27:25.920 practice where you are intentionally trying to remediate some kind of weakness, problem
00:27:31.620 solve, uh, and get feedback and get better and better. Secondly, they have to finish what
00:27:37.860 they begin. And it was very important to my husband and myself that just like Joe DeSino,
00:27:42.820 we, we didn't want our kids to, to learn to quit in the middle of things. So they were
00:27:47.360 not allowed to quit in track when they weren't doing well and told me they wanted to quit.
00:27:51.960 They, they weren't allowed to, you know, quit in the middle of ballet before the tuition
00:27:56.060 payment was, was up. They weren't allowed to quit their instrument, you know, what, cause
00:28:00.320 they didn't feel like practicing for recital. You know, they were allowed to quit, but not
00:28:04.720 until they finished the commitment that they had already made. So, uh, so that was the
00:28:10.620 second part of the hard thing rule that they had to finish the, to the natural end point,
00:28:15.060 the natural interval. And then they could pick another hard thing, but this brings me to the
00:28:20.500 third part of the hard thing rule. And it's the last part and just as important as the first
00:28:24.860 two. And that is that nobody gets to pick your hard thing, but you, you know, I didn't tell
00:28:30.960 my kids, you know, you have to play viola and you have to play piano. Like they, they
00:28:35.460 chose these things on their own. And I think we don't have to give kids every choice, but
00:28:40.760 we do have to give them some choice because that autonomy is crucial for fostering passion.
00:28:46.540 Yeah. I love that. Love creating that culture of, uh, of grit in your family. And speaking of,
00:28:51.320 you know, culture, like I, since your initial research has come out, uh, it seems like there's
00:28:55.660 a lot of business organizations that have been implementing some of these ideas of trying
00:28:59.260 to develop a culture of grit in their business or their organization. And you talk about, uh,
00:29:05.080 the Seattle Seahawks, uh, head coach, Pete Carroll. Um, what is Pete doing with his team to develop
00:29:11.680 this idea of grit there? You know, Pete Carroll was working on grit long before he watched my Ted
00:29:18.460 talk and called me up. I don't know whether he used the word grit, but, you know, it really captures,
00:29:24.100 I think for him, the quality of competitor that he's looking for, you know, every coach is trying
00:29:30.960 to select for the qualities that he wants. You know, that's why they care so much about scouting
00:29:35.220 and, uh, recruitment, but every coach is also interested in cultivating those same qualities
00:29:41.320 once those players get there. And, and Pete's no exception. So for Pete, I think what he's trying
00:29:46.840 to do is, you know, model commitment that, you know, I would describe as passion and perseverance.
00:29:52.060 Um, he has what I find is true of paragons of grit, which is a top level goal. You know,
00:29:58.300 really, really gritty people are usually able to articulate in a single sentence that ends with
00:30:04.620 a period, the top level goal that motivates everything that they do for Pete. It's only two
00:30:11.740 words, always compete. You have to unpack that. He, he means compete in a very pretty, basically he
00:30:18.020 means always striving to be your best. Um, he left out the part that, you know, obviously he's doing
00:30:23.800 that through coaching and football, but nevertheless, it's a, it's kind of a, a compass for him, you
00:30:29.240 know, that everything in his life is in service to that top level goal. And he's trying to get his
00:30:35.880 players to realize that, you know, that is possible for them as well. He, he does it in part through
00:30:41.980 modeling, but in part through rituals. So, uh, there's a tell your, you know, tell the truth
00:30:46.980 Monday tradition at the Seahawks where, you know, we talked about deliberate practice is working on,
00:30:52.160 you know, your relative weaknesses and getting feedback. Well, the tell your truth Monday
00:30:56.860 tradition is that the guys watch their film and they watch the things that they did right.
00:31:01.560 And they watch the things that they did wrong. And in a, in a dispassionate way, you know,
00:31:05.960 analyze it's like, okay, I should do this differently. Okay. Let me try it again.
00:31:09.260 And I think that kind of ritualizing is, is crucial to culture. And the last thing I'll just say is
00:31:15.420 that language is really important. You know, the words that we use, I think are symbolic of the
00:31:21.460 values that we hold. And, you know, when I was at the Seahawks, it was almost like, uh, being in a
00:31:26.640 foreign country, you know, somebody said to me while I was there, I speak fluent Carol. And I think what
00:31:32.280 he meant was that these phrases that are very much part of being a Seahawk, you know, finish strong.
00:31:39.700 Be early, no whining, no excuses, always compete. I mean, you know, you talk to anybody in a Seahawks
00:31:46.820 organization, they know exactly what you mean. You talk to people outside the organization and they
00:31:52.400 may or may not know because of course outside you're not a Seahawk. Right. Well, Angela, we, we
00:31:57.940 scratch, literally scratched the surface, uh, about your research and your book. Uh, where can people go
00:32:02.500 to learn more about your work as well as the book? I guess they can learn about my work primarily
00:32:09.120 through the book, but also at my website, which is AngelaDuckworth.com. All right. Well, Angela
00:32:14.420 Duckworth, thank you so much for your time. It's been a pleasure. Thank you. I've really enjoyed it.
00:32:19.260 My guest today was Angela Duckworth. She's the author of Grit, The Power of Passion and
00:32:23.180 Perseverance. And it's available on Amazon.com and bookstores everywhere. You can find more information
00:32:27.940 about her, uh, book at AngelaDuckworth.com. And while you're there, you can even take the
00:32:32.560 grit scale test to see how gritty you are. And also, uh, make sure to check out the show
00:32:37.040 notes at AOM.IS slash grit for more information about the topic we discussed today.
00:32:42.200 Well, that wraps up another edition of the Art of Manliness podcast. For more manly tips and advice,
00:32:59.680 make sure to check out the Art of Manliness website at artofmanliness.com. And if you enjoy
00:33:03.840 the show and have gotten something out of it, I'd appreciate it if you give us a review on iTunes.
00:33:07.460 That'd really help us out a lot in spreading the word about the show. As always, I appreciate your
00:33:11.720 support. And until next time, this is Brett McKay telling you to stay manly.