The Art of Manliness - #214： How to Have a Good Day, Every Day

00:00:00.000 Brad McKay here and welcome to another edition of the Art of Manliness podcast.

00:00:18.340 We've probably all had those days where everything seems just to go smoothly.

00:00:21.820 We make our plans, we can follow through on them.

00:00:24.180 Even when setbacks come, we handle them with grace and ease.

00:00:27.960 Well, what if I were to tell you that there are actually research-backed tactics that you can use to make sure that you have these good days on a regular basis?

00:00:35.960 Well, my guest today has written a book with these research-backed tactics.

00:00:39.380 Her name is Caroline Webb.

00:00:40.700 She's the author of the book, How to Have a Good Day, Harness the Power of Behavioral Science to Transform Your Working Life.

00:00:45.740 And in it, she puts together all this research from psychology, behavioral economics, and neuroscience to provide tactics for you on how to have a good day.

00:00:55.160 From planning your day, establishing goals, staying focused throughout the day, how to handle difficult conversations, difficult people, how to bounce back from setbacks.

00:01:04.780 You name it, she covers it.

00:01:06.120 It starts from the beginning of the day and goes all the way through to the end.

00:01:09.720 We have a great conversation where we talk a lot about these things that you can do, a lot of actionable things that you can apply right away into your life.

00:01:16.600 So make sure you take notes.

00:01:17.520 And after you're done listening to the show, check out our show notes at aom.is slash goodday, where you can find links to resources that we've mentioned throughout the show so you can delve deeper into this topic, as well as find more information about Caroline's book.

00:01:33.560 Caroline Webb, welcome to the show.

00:01:36.060 Thank you for having me.

00:01:36.980 So you've got a book out called How to Have a Good Day, where you use behavioral science, psychology, research from neuroscience on how we can improve our days from our work life to our personal life.

00:01:49.980 But before we get there, I'm curious about the background.

00:01:52.620 Like what led up to writing this book?

00:01:54.900 Why did you feel like you needed?

00:01:56.900 Was it through your consulting business and you saw problems pop up with your clients or maybe in your own life where you're like, man, how can I get more out of my day?

00:02:05.460 Kind of all of the above, actually.

00:02:08.100 I was working for about 15 years with people on how to improve their everyday working lives.

00:02:15.780 And, you know, that was partly through my consulting and organizational change and my leadership development work.

00:02:22.640 And what I saw time and again was that, you know, while a lot of people were in good jobs, a lot of people were focused on big, worthwhile goals.

00:02:32.200 And often the everyday experience of going from, you know, one day to the next was actually not that much fun.

00:02:39.800 And it's really borne out in the surveys that are out there about the fact that, you know, half of people don't feel engaged in their work.

00:02:47.720 It's sort of terrible numbers when you think about it.

00:02:49.760 And even those of us who like our work, as I say, you know, might not have the most glorious of experiences every single moment of the week.

00:02:57.400 So I became very interested in the small changes you can make to everyday life to think about how you can build a foundation for a more enjoyable and more successful experience every day.

00:03:12.080 And I always turned to behavioral science for that because my first career was in economics.

00:03:18.100 And I found that the people I worked with were very curious about how the brain works.

00:03:23.420 And, you know, they were just much more open to any advice I could give.

00:03:26.900 I could actually explain why, why we think and feel and behave the way we do and why the science pointed towards perhaps trying something new.

00:03:35.220 And over time, what happened was that they would say, well, there's this stuff written down where you translate the science into really practical advice.

00:03:42.080 And there are great popular science books out there, but actually not so much talking about how this means you might approach a meeting differently or handle your to-do list differently.

00:03:53.720 So that's where I come in.

00:03:54.940 It's that translation from the science into practice.

00:03:57.760 And it seemed as if there was a need, and I was delighted to have a chance to fill it.

00:04:01.320 So before we get into the brass tacks of the things you've mined from behavioral science about how to have a good day, let's talk about what do you mean by a good day?

00:04:11.140 Because I imagine it's not, you know, you're never going to have problems pop up.

00:04:17.020 Your toddler isn't going to wet themselves before they get to the toilet.

00:04:20.200 That happened to me last night.

00:04:22.200 You're not going to have clients who are frustrated.

00:04:24.160 So, I mean, what is a good day?

00:04:26.340 Yeah, you're not going to have a dog barking constantly in the apartment next door.

00:04:29.920 I mean, just, you know, say by chance.

00:04:33.240 Yeah, I think that, you know, the reality is there's a lot of luck in it, right?

00:04:37.420 I mean, there is a lot of luck that determines whether a day is good or not.

00:04:41.820 But what's interesting in what emerges from the science is we have a lot more control than we think over the quality of our days.

00:04:49.440 And when I was working for all those years with companies and individuals to help them create more positive cultures in their organizations, indeed, in their families, I used to ask them,

00:05:01.480 so what is a good day for you, what is a bad day, and what would it take to get more good days?

00:05:05.420 So I've got a lot of data on what people think is a good day.

00:05:08.060 And it really boils down to three things.

00:05:10.120 It's, do you feel like you spent your time and directed your attention to the things that matter?

00:05:16.700 Do you feel like you did a good job?

00:05:19.940 And did you enjoy yourself?

00:05:21.980 You know, did you feel like you have the energy at the end of the day to wake up the next day and go through it all again?

00:05:29.680 And these are really the three big ideas that sit behind the book.

00:05:35.860 And I think that the trouble is that if any of those aren't true, then it really sort of leads you to feel like it's not a great day.

00:05:45.220 So I'm all about trying to get the small pieces in place that mean that you definitely are focusing on the right things,

00:05:51.140 feeling good about what you're doing, and feeling that it's all worthwhile and fun.

00:05:56.420 So let's get into this brass tacks and how we can do that.

00:05:59.060 One of the things I love about your book is that not only is it comprehensive, like you take us through an entire day,

00:06:05.200 and you cover all the different facets you're going to hit during your day, whether it's setting your goals, planning, being productive,

00:06:12.260 dealing with frustrating individuals, you know, being resilient in the face of setbacks, everything.

00:06:17.760 But you also get very in-depth with each section.

00:06:20.580 And like you said, you translate all this research that's coming out from behavioral economics and psychology and provide brass tacks advice.

00:06:29.560 So let's start from the very beginning.

00:06:31.260 What can we do at the beginning of our day to set us up for a good day?

00:06:36.720 Well, this is one of the most profound bits of science that's in the book.

00:06:42.100 And it relates to the fact that our brains can only process part of reality at any given time.

00:06:48.240 You know, so whatever's around you right now, wherever you are, you look around you, there's lots and lots of objects around you,

00:06:54.600 there's lots of sensations in your body, there's lots of noises that you could hear if you actually paid attention to it.

00:07:00.080 You could look at every tiny carpet fiber in front of you, you could look at every hair on your head.

00:07:06.120 And if we did actually try and consciously pay attention to everything around us, our brains would kind of crash like an overloaded computer with all of its keys pressed at once.

00:07:17.200 So our brains have quite an elegant solution, which is that subconsciously we're filtering out most of what's going on around us.

00:07:23.960 And we're not aware of it by definition.

00:07:26.060 And the trick here is that it's actually predictable what gets filtered out and what gets filtered in.

00:07:35.200 So in effect, there are certain rules that govern the reality that we perceive.

00:07:41.780 We're all experiencing a really subjective, incomplete version of reality.

00:07:46.260 And once you know what the rules are, you can shift the way that you perceive whatever happens.

00:07:50.300 Now, the way the rules work is that your brain consciously notices anything which resonates with what's already top of mind for you.

00:07:57.960 So in other words, if you're in a bad mood, you spill coffee on yourself in the morning, or you have a terrible commute,

00:08:04.280 you're in a bad mood, and your brain will say, okay, you're in a bad mood, so I'll make sure you see everything that confirms the world is a terrible place.

00:08:11.140 And the same goes the other way around.

00:08:15.000 So if you decide to put yourself in a more positive mood, then you suddenly see the world is a more positive place.

00:08:23.000 And the research behind this is really robust.

00:08:25.540 It's, some people know the term confirmation bias.

00:08:30.060 Others may have heard the term selective attention.

00:08:33.200 And the upshot for us is incredibly positive, because it means that we just have to be a bit more deliberate about how we go into, I don't know, everything that matters in a day.

00:08:43.760 You can do this every morning.

00:08:45.840 You can say, what really matters to me today?

00:08:48.800 What's my real aim?

00:08:49.980 What attitude do I want to have?

00:08:51.520 What assumptions do I want to have as I go into the day?

00:08:54.780 Knowing that that will shape what you see. 0.96

00:08:56.440 So, you know, if you've got a difficult conversation coming up with someone that you think is kind of a jerk, confirmation bias means that your brain will look for evidence that you're right. 0.96

00:09:06.740 And you'll see everything that will be slightly annoying. 0.95

00:09:10.580 And you might actually miss anything that suggests that the person is trying to be, you know, more supportive or conciliatory.

00:09:18.200 If you go in checking your assumptions and saying, okay, my aim here is actually to strengthen the relationship, and I want to look out for signs that that's possible, you will actually experience it differently.

00:09:31.880 So it's a process of setting intentions.

00:09:33.620 It can take five seconds as you're going into anything in your day.

00:09:37.780 And a lot of the most successful people I know do this every morning to look across the day and think, what filters do I want my brain to apply?

00:09:46.440 Yeah, that's really interesting, the research that's coming about attention.

00:09:49.680 Because basically, yeah, you're right.

00:09:50.700 Like, what we attend to is reality for us in a weird way.

00:09:56.600 And so if you're not intentional about that, you're going to be caught up by anything that comes your way.

00:10:02.800 Yeah, absolutely.

00:10:03.580 I mean, we're all experiencing this sort of partial view of reality all the time.

00:10:06.660 And you only get a glimpse of it sometimes.

00:10:08.640 I mean, I bought some Nike sneakers for the first time a couple of weeks ago.

00:10:12.220 And I came out of the store, and half of New York is apparently now wearing Nike sneakers.

00:10:20.920 I'd not noticed this before.

00:10:23.320 It's really highly unlikely that they've just bought them.

00:10:26.580 They were there before.

00:10:27.720 I just didn't see them.

00:10:28.740 But now that I am excited about my new pair of Nike sneakers, I'm seeing them all over the place.

00:10:34.440 Or if you buy a new car, you suddenly see all the cars on the road that's the same color or the same model.

00:10:40.900 And this is just the only times that we really get a real sense of the fact that, or maybe you come out of a movie and, you know, you're with your other half and you have a completely different view of what happened.

00:10:54.420 You know, we sometimes get these glimpses of how subjective our experience of reality is.

00:10:59.420 But, you know, most of the time we need to actually look at the research to really believe it.

00:11:04.700 So, you know, you talk about how a lot of the successful people out there who have good days consistently are very intentional about setting their intentions at the beginning of the day.

00:11:13.380 But, you know, they say, like, the road to hell is paved with good intentions.

00:11:17.840 So, I mean, I think a lot of people are like, yeah, I'm going to get my journal out, write down my three big things, look over my mission statement, blah, blah, blah, blah.

00:11:25.060 But how do you ensure that you put those good intentions into action?

00:11:30.560 Yeah, it's a really good point.

00:11:32.080 I mean, so many people have, you know, tried to make positive personal change in their lives.

00:11:37.420 And it just is hard to make it stick when you're busy and you've got habits that are well ingrained and lots of demands on you.

00:11:43.360 So, I'm always about the smallest possible change you can make to have an impact.

00:11:49.460 You know, I'm always encouraging people to shoot really small rather than big in thinking about the changes to make.

00:11:55.340 So, I encourage people to just say, you know, pick a time of day that you know you're going to have a tiny little bit of time to think.

00:12:03.600 It might be, you know, when you're commuting in, but it could also be the night before.

00:12:08.220 Or, I'm a nighttime person, so I tend to be a little bit more able to think clearly in the evenings than I am first thing in the morning.

00:12:18.160 So, for me, you pick the time that works best.

00:12:21.140 And for me, that's the evening, actually the night before.

00:12:23.920 And you just say 10 seconds, you know, really make it a small thing and link it to something that you do every single day.

00:12:32.840 And then you're far more likely to remember to do it.

00:12:35.020 You're far more likely to actually manage to do it.

00:12:37.060 And if you don't remember and you go halfway through the day and you hit a really important conversation, you think, oh, this is one of those moments I should have set intentions.

00:12:46.560 You know, great.

00:12:47.760 You remembered.

00:12:49.180 Pat yourself on the back.

00:12:50.460 You want to set up the kind of the neurochemistry of reward rather than neurochemistry of failure.

00:12:54.760 You want to celebrate anything that you manage or remember rather than beating yourself up because the brain likes to repeat things that are rewarding.

00:13:02.140 And, you know, so it's really matters to pick a really small goal and then and then have a go at it.

00:13:09.380 For me, honestly, the time I most remember to set my intentions apart from the night before is as I'm walking to a meeting or a conversation is just to take that 10 seconds as I'm walking towards the door.

00:13:24.400 And it's just a good prompt for me to say, OK, what really matters to me?

00:13:28.080 Where do I want to put my attention?

00:13:29.720 OK, good to go.

00:13:30.820 That's all it takes.

00:13:31.940 Yeah.

00:13:32.420 And one of the one of the cool pieces of advice that you've you provided on putting your intentions into action or reminding yourself this comes from behavioral economics is, I guess, rejiggering your environment.

00:13:46.200 Yeah, it's a really interesting area of the research and also highly, highly controversial and disputed.

00:14:01.020 And there's lots of debate about it because it's there have been lots of issues in replicating the results.

00:14:08.000 So this is the research on priming.

00:14:10.520 And the idea is that your brain is really associative.

00:14:13.300 So past experiences and thoughts are stored in our minds in a way that links one thought with another.

00:14:22.900 Just as you know, you know, when you're daydreaming, you suddenly find yourself thinking about something and you realize there's been a kind of series of stepping stones that has taken you to that thought that feels quite distant.

00:14:34.180 So that's a real thing that's happening in your mind.

00:14:37.560 There are these stepping stones.

00:14:38.920 So, you know, you might have a particular outfit that you once wore where you absolutely knocked the ball out of the park on a presentation or an interview.

00:14:50.160 You put it on again.

00:14:51.160 You put it on again.

00:14:52.680 Does it remind you of that day that you absolutely aced?

00:14:57.160 Yeah, absolutely.

00:14:58.060 It's a real thing.

00:14:59.060 And the priming research suggests that it creates enough of the same state of mind that it can trigger some of the same behaviors just to sort of have an object or a piece of clothing or whatever nearby that actually reminds you of a particular state of mind.

00:15:19.460 And where things get controversial is the idea that you can somehow prime other people because, I mean, you don't really know what their associations might be, you know.

00:15:28.540 Right.

00:15:30.140 You know, you might put a picture of a professor on your wall thinking it's going to make you more intelligent and everybody else around you because it will remind you of being intelligent.

00:15:39.120 Maybe one of your colleagues had a traumatic experience at college and this is the last thing that they want to see.

00:15:44.760 So you've got to be very careful about assuming you can do it to other people, but if you can be really self-aware about the associations you have with, you know, high-performance states of mind, you know, a particular place that, you know, you all seem to think clearly, you know, maybe it's a particular window seat or, you know, a nice cafe, you know, those effects are real in your mind.

00:16:07.740 If you've got the association there, then you can hack it and use it.

00:16:10.700 So there's something to superstitions, you know, the baseball player who puts his socks on in a certain way or doesn't step on the foul line.

00:16:19.100 Yeah.

00:16:19.560 If they believe it, yes.

00:16:21.640 Yeah.

00:16:21.980 It's funny.

00:16:24.040 I mean, it really, and of course we laugh at it when it's someone else's and yet when it's our own, it just feels like, you know, the right thing to do.

00:16:33.060 Right.

00:16:33.400 It's like Dumbo's feather, right?

00:16:36.140 Like he had his feather, he could fly with it, but he could always fly, like he just thought it worked.

00:16:42.460 Yeah, absolutely.

00:16:43.480 So, you know, I really encourage people to just, it's about self-awareness, it's about knowing what's going to create a certain state of mind in you.

00:16:49.900 And the more that you strengthen that association, then the more reliable it is.

00:16:55.220 I mean, there's an example I give in my book, which is Donna Summers' I Feel Love.

00:17:03.080 And I kind of regret having put it in the book because now everybody kind of quotes it back at me.

00:17:10.000 But, you know, I have a particular associate.

00:17:12.220 The very first time I went to, you know, Blue Man Group show years and years ago, and there was a finale and they played the song and it was incredibly uplifting and energizing.

00:17:21.600 And, you know, it always reminds me of that.

00:17:25.900 So, whenever I'm about to go on stage and give a huge talk or do any kind of performance, I hum it to myself or I kind of even listen to it if I can.

00:17:35.420 And, yeah, you know, it puts me right back there.

00:17:37.700 I mean, I think we all have that with music.

00:17:39.240 We know it happens with music, but the trick is to know that there are lots of other things you can use as well to create the same effect.

00:17:45.020 So, another thing you talked about as far as implementing your intentions are these things called implementation intentions.

00:17:53.940 Is that what it's called?

00:17:55.080 Yeah.

00:17:55.760 This is again from behavioral economics.

00:17:58.780 Well, behavioral economics is sort of, I mean, the boundaries between behavioral economics and psychology are insanely blurry.

00:18:06.000 I mean, I think it's really sort of economists getting back to the roots of what the discipline, you know, economics used to be called moral philosophy, and it was about thinking about human behavior.

00:18:17.040 And for quite a long time, it sort of drifted away from that as a central focus.

00:18:23.080 And behavioral economics is really just sort of re-engaging with the human condition, the idea that human beings are fallible.

00:18:29.880 And as a result, you know, economists are looking at topics that psychologists have been looking at for decades.

00:18:36.180 So, the boundaries between the two disciplines are pretty blurry.

00:18:40.020 So, implementation intentions.

00:18:42.540 Yeah, this is great.

00:18:43.740 Oh, my gosh, this makes so much difference to your ability to get stuff done.

00:18:47.820 Basically, what you're doing is you're lightening the load on your brain.

00:18:51.300 I mentioned before that your brain has limited capacity to process, and we need to be aware of the limitations.

00:18:57.640 You can save your brain efforts if you're trying to remember to do something by deciding on a particular cue.

00:19:05.880 So, instead of saying, oh, I must exercise today, I really, really must exercise today, you say, when I come out from lunch, I will put on my sneakers, whether they're Nike sneakers or not, and I will go exercise at that point.

00:19:22.660 And you're way more likely, by defining a really specific time and a really specific cue, you're way more likely to allow your brain to remember that this is actually something you want to do.

00:19:34.540 When I am faced with a bank of elevators, then I will take the stairs.

00:19:41.460 When I'm walking to a meeting, then I will remember to set my intentions.

00:19:47.600 When I've got my hand on the door of the meeting I'm walking into, then I will definitely set my intentions if I haven't done it by then.

00:19:55.000 And these when-thens, as I call them, or implementation intentions, as they're called by the behavioral scientists, just have been shown to increase your chances of achieving your goals by something like 300%.

00:20:07.720 Wow.

00:20:08.180 And that's quite a big uptick in getting things done.

00:20:12.300 That's amazing.

00:20:13.580 Yeah.

00:20:13.920 So, yeah, this solves a problem of cognitive overload.

00:20:16.960 And this is a problem that's facing a lot of knowledge workers these days or information.

00:20:21.480 They're calling them something different every time.

00:20:25.220 But besides the implementation intentions, what can we do to reduce cognitive overload so that we can make better decisions?

00:20:33.420 Because, yeah, the research shows that once we're overloaded cognitively, we make poorer decisions.

00:20:39.380 That's right.

00:20:40.020 So what can we do to offload some of that cognitive overload?

00:20:44.940 Well, you know, there's a theme coming back here again, which is just, you know, understanding how your brain works.

00:20:49.260 You've got working memory, which is what we use to complete all of our conscious tasks.

00:20:56.080 It's like working memory in a computer.

00:20:58.600 It's, you know, it's what you're using to listen to me and what I'm using to speak to you and to hold ideas in mind.

00:21:06.240 And we used to be thought that we could hold about seven things in mind at once.

00:21:10.480 And it turns out, actually, research is really homing in on number more like three or four.

00:21:17.160 So, you know, of course, when you think about how much you're trying to juggle, you know, we're so we've got so much more on our minds than that a lot of the time.

00:21:24.260 And it really is true if you feel that your mind is full.

00:21:29.420 It's maybe a sort of poetic way of describing it, but that's pretty much what's going on.

00:21:34.640 So there are a few things you can do.

00:21:36.260 I mean, first of all, you know that you need to know that strategic downtime is as necessary to your performance as, you know, the hard the hard graft.

00:21:47.440 In other words, we make better decisions when it's not been long since we took a break because our brain isn't as tired and isn't as full.

00:21:57.360 And this has been shown with all sorts of research, including people buying suits.

00:22:04.600 You know, they interviewed people in malls and found that the longer it was since people had taken a break, the more knee jerk their shopping decisions were.

00:22:15.200 But, you know, it's true in more serious situations, too.

00:22:20.040 There was some classic work done in looking at parole decisions and how parole decisions made by judges become much more black and white.

00:22:30.360 Basically, prisoners are much less likely to get parole the longer it is since the judges have taken a break when they come up in front of the panel of judges.

00:22:40.500 So we're more sophisticated and nuanced in our decision making, more wiser in our decision making if we're more diligent about taking breaks.

00:22:50.260 And that's kind of counterintuitive for most of us.

00:22:53.140 So that's, you know, one very big thing.

00:22:55.480 And another big thing is just being aware that your brain gets full and noticing that when you are overloaded, that it's possible to actually strip out some of the noise.

00:23:08.800 And, you know, there are loads of techniques for this.

00:23:10.720 But one of the things that I usually do when I'm feeling overloaded is just to say, OK, what's sort of obvious?

00:23:17.720 But, you know, what is truly the most important thing and what is the very first small step towards that?

00:23:23.760 And it's just so clarifying, especially the second bit.

00:23:27.260 What's the very first small step towards that?

00:23:30.300 And it just really strips back a lot of the noise so that you're focusing on the thing that's really most important.

00:23:36.960 I could go on.

00:23:37.740 There's lots of techniques.

00:23:39.080 There's lots of that.

00:23:39.640 But another aspect you hit on, you know, I think it causes overload in a lot of people's life, not just in business, but their personal life, is the inability to say no.

00:23:49.800 It frightens people.

00:23:50.960 They feel bad.

00:23:51.780 They feel guilty.

00:23:53.040 It fills them with anxiety.

00:23:54.880 Anything from behavioral science or psychology that, you know, help people say no if they don't feel like it?

00:24:03.320 Absolutely.

00:24:03.760 And the thing to know from the science here is that one of the challenges with saying no is that we feel that we are, we're obviously saying something which is unpleasant for the other person to hear.

00:24:17.800 You know, maybe there's a commitment we've already made and we have to back out or maybe we're just saying, no, sorry, you can't have my time and I can't do this.

00:24:24.340 So we don't like that sort of slight sense of conflict that we're creating.

00:24:28.780 And we're kind of right to not want to aggravate the other person because what happens when someone else feels challenged by something that you're telling them is that their brains go on the defensive.

00:24:45.640 And when people's brains are on the defensive, they don't think as clearly.

00:24:48.460 It's a whole set of research around that, the fact that there's actually less activity in people's prefrontal cortex where the more sophisticated thinking happens when they're feeling even mildly stressed.

00:25:00.740 So you say no to someone, they go on the defensive.

00:25:05.740 They're not able to think as clearly.

00:25:07.380 They're not going to be as kind of supportive and expansive in their thinking, how they respond to you saying no.

00:25:13.780 But the trick then is actually to say no without putting them on the defensive.

00:25:17.740 And it's not hard to do.

00:25:20.060 It's just quite different to how we normally do it.

00:25:22.480 The trick is to start with the thing that you're saying yes to.

00:25:27.680 And if you start with the thing that you're saying yes to, so first of all, start with something warm and appreciative.

00:25:33.180 And, you know, thank you for your invitation, blah, blah, blah.

00:25:35.880 We often forget to do that when we're stressed about saying no.

00:25:39.620 So then say, I'm really excited to tell you about this book that I've been working on for the last four years.

00:25:49.360 And I think things are going absolutely fantastically.

00:25:52.240 Basically, it's very intense, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

00:25:56.180 As a result, I'm having to make, and this is where the no comes in, as a result, I'm having to make some quite tough choices about what I do and don't do with deadlines looming.

00:26:05.800 And regrettably, that means I'm simply going to have to say no to your very kind request.

00:26:13.160 And then you end with whatever it is that you can say that also feels warm and supportive without committing too much of your time or resources.

00:26:21.880 Perhaps there's someone else that you can point them towards, but at the very least, you can wish them well.

00:26:25.420 And this formula of start with warmth, then explain what your yes is, then say no, end with warmth, is really, really reliable in creating a different response than the other person.

00:26:38.500 Because it can't help but get a little bit interested or excited by your yes, even if they know where it's going.

00:26:46.260 And you get a different response as a result.

00:26:48.180 Yeah, that's really interesting, because typically the way I've done it is I'll say no first, then I'll explain why I'm saying no.

00:26:54.060 Right, because I'm busy working on my book or this, but you say start off with that first.

00:26:58.360 Yeah, because we, yeah, exactly.

00:27:00.440 Because, I mean, we're so, the way that we're all programmed to say no is, you know, I'm so sorry, but.

00:27:07.040 Right.

00:27:07.420 And the other person's sort of heart sinks immediately, and then they're not really able to engage properly with what you go on to say.

00:27:14.160 So you're really just saying the same thing, but you're turning it around so that you're saying, great to hear from you.

00:27:21.380 Things are going great with blah, blah, blah.

00:27:24.060 That means, unfortunately, blah, blah, blah.

00:27:26.360 And it is a really subtle thing.

00:27:28.840 I find myself, even at this point, I'll write, I'm so sorry, and then I have to kind of go back and edit my email and put space at the top and then write the other stuff.

00:27:37.080 So we are, you know, if we care about other people, we are very, it's hard to let go of starting with the sorry.

00:27:46.900 Right.

00:27:47.260 But, you know, believe me, it just creates such a different dynamic in the conversation, and you still get to say sorry.

00:27:54.460 It's just that you wrap it up in a way that is so much more engaging for the other person and also helps them understand the choices that you're making.

00:28:04.140 Yeah.

00:28:04.580 Yeah.

00:28:04.700 So a large part of our days are spent dealing with other people, and that can be the source of most of our frustration because people are their own agents.

00:28:14.340 They've got their own agendas.

00:28:15.540 They have their own needs and wants, and oftentimes they don't line up with yours needs and wants.

00:28:20.880 And sometimes people are just irksome.

00:28:22.840 That's a good word.

00:28:25.200 So what can we do?

00:28:27.340 What does the research stand on what we can do to manage relationships so that we can have a good day, even if someone is giving us trouble or giving us grief?

00:28:38.000 Yeah.

00:28:39.800 Well, you can do, for starters, what I call selling collaborative intentions.

00:28:45.140 It goes back to what I said right at the beginning, which is just knowing that the intentions you have going into a conversation will shape the way that it plays out.

00:28:53.320 It certainly has shaped the way that you perceive it.

00:28:55.780 So just being, you know, suppose you're going into a conversation with someone who you know is going to be irksome.

00:29:02.360 I love that word.

00:29:04.500 You know that you will perceive the conversation differently if your expectation of irksomeness is absolutely top of mind than if your desire to find a collaborative solution is top of mind.

00:29:18.200 So there's some basics there about knowing that your perceptions of an interaction are shaped by your intentions.

00:29:27.780 But more broadly, I think one of the things that's really helpful to know is that it's statistically unlikely that this irksome person is actually a psychopath.

00:29:36.260 You know, the chances are that something has put their brains on the defensive.

00:29:43.080 And that's because, you know, I mentioned before that, you know, when people's brains perceive some kind of threat, it can be really small, doesn't really matter almost what it is.

00:29:55.880 If they're perceiving anything which might be a threat to their competence or autonomy or sense of purpose or fairness or inclusion or being respected, that can be enough to put their brains on the defensive.

00:30:07.180 And on the defensive, as I mentioned before, there's less sophisticated thinking going on.

00:30:11.740 So they're just basically not their best selves.

00:30:14.020 And that's when you get people being, you know, a bit snappish or sulky or avoidant.

00:30:21.760 I mean, they're all versions of fight, flight, freeze, which are these sort of basic defensive responses that your brain launches in the face of any kind of threat.

00:30:31.380 So just knowing that most dysfunctional behavior that you encounter is actually the result of some really subconscious thing that has put them on the defensive, I find incredibly helpful just to start off with, because it changes your demeanor towards them.

00:30:49.500 And even better, if you can actually ask yourself what could possibly have created this defensive reaction, because then it gives you a chance to have a bit of fun in thinking about, I wonder what might have created this.

00:31:05.680 You know, maybe I remind them of a teacher who threw a stapler at their head.

00:31:09.380 That's a terrible thing to say.

00:31:10.500 But, you know, you can put a smile on your face by thinking about the different things that might genuinely be creating this behavior in them.

00:31:20.140 And by changing your demeanor towards them, that's usually enough to change the quality of the interaction.

00:31:27.480 And that's because our emotions are strangely contagious.

00:31:30.780 Our emotions have been shown to sync up within five minutes, even if we're not working on the same thing or even talking to the other person.

00:31:37.940 So, the way that you carry yourself is going to have a big impact.

00:31:42.840 And of course, there are other sort of more involved techniques you can use, but this is stuff you can use even without really having an in-depth conversation with the other person.

00:31:52.640 This is just about managing your own entry into the interaction with the irks in person.

00:31:57.560 Right. So, something you say in the book is, assume good person, bad circumstance.

00:32:03.380 Exactly. Yeah.

00:32:04.760 Good person, bad circumstances.

00:32:06.280 Because there's a thing in psychology called the fundamental attribution error.

00:32:09.760 And basically, it's that if I show up to work and I'm feeling cranky and slow, I know it's because I didn't sleep well last night.

00:32:21.560 And if someone else shows up and they're cranky and slow, you think that they're an unpleasant person and they're highly inefficient.

00:32:27.520 In other words, when we see bad behavior in other people, we ascribe it to bad character rather than bad circumstances.

00:32:34.720 When it's in ourselves, we know that most of our bad behavior is caused by circumstances.

00:32:38.600 So, it's a slightly clunky phrase, but just reminding yourself good person, bad circumstances is a really good way of not getting so wound up by people's bad behavior around you.

00:32:50.620 I love that.

00:32:51.120 It's great for if you're a parent, especially when your kids get cranky.

00:32:55.140 Usually, they're cranky for a reason, not because they're at their bone.

00:32:59.540 Evil. No, it's very unlikely that they're actually...

00:33:02.040 Right.

00:33:02.340 Exactly. And people are just, you know, big toddlers.

00:33:04.820 It's just that, you know, we wrap it up in, you know, grown-up clothes.

00:33:08.240 I mean, so much of the same, you know, same dynamics are going on.

00:33:12.140 It's just that, you know, we forget that, you know, we're very sensitive to the things around us.

00:33:20.760 And, you know, we are affected by whether we feel good about ourselves.

00:33:26.820 Well, so is everybody else.

00:33:27.920 And as soon as anyone feels anything that challenges their sense of social standing or the sense of self-respect, you're going to get bad behavior.

00:33:36.320 Yeah. So another part of dealing with individuals, whether it's in your family or in business, is providing feedback, right?

00:33:45.180 Yeah.

00:33:46.040 And the challenge is, like, how do you deliver that feedback?

00:33:49.160 So, one, the person isn't put in that defensive mode.

00:33:52.920 Yeah.

00:33:53.200 And they just reject it.

00:33:54.600 And two, like, they actually listen and take it to heart and actually implement it.

00:34:00.380 I used this yesterday with a friend, actually.

00:34:02.340 So, you're right to keep on, you know, pointing out that everything I write about, I mean, you know, it's about work, but it's about family, it's about friends, it's about human endeavor, really, in general.

00:34:15.420 So, yeah, giving feedback to people.

00:34:19.940 I mean, as you say, the challenge is giving feedback is almost perfectly designed to put people on the defensive.

00:34:27.080 Right, right.

00:34:27.260 Because, I mean, there's nothing more perfectly designed to do it.

00:34:30.700 So, how do you do it so that they can actually think clearly as you're sharing your very helpful observations?

00:34:36.100 There are a few techniques that I like.

00:34:39.420 I mean, my favorite one that I use all the time is to actually start with saying, what I like about what you've done is blah, blah, blah.

00:34:49.560 And then, what would make me like it even more is blah, blah, blah.

00:34:53.480 So, you're basically giving input without making the other person wrong.

00:34:58.900 And that's a really good thing, good technique to use if, you know, you genuinely have a range of things that you want to share with someone.

00:35:09.220 So, that's interesting because it's not, because I've heard, you know, I've heard like the compliment sandwich, right, where you say something good and then you go, but, like what you're saying, instead of doing the but, you say, you do an and, and this is what you could do.

00:35:21.380 So, I like it more.

00:35:22.340 So, it's sort of like that, that positive no you were talking about, stay positive.

00:35:26.620 Yeah, I mean, the praise sandwich, everyone's heart just sinks, right?

00:35:29.940 Because you...

00:35:30.440 Right, you know it's coming.

00:35:31.620 And one of the reasons is that our brains are much more attuned to threat than they are to reward.

00:35:37.280 They're always looking out for both.

00:35:39.280 But if I say to you, oh, great job, you did great.

00:35:44.260 Now, here are five things that you should change.

00:35:46.860 Your brain is naturally attuned to listening out for threats.

00:35:52.460 And so, the fact that your praise is so vague and so general and the things that you're supposed to work on are so specific and so numerous means that that praise is almost meaningless.

00:36:07.720 So, the trick is to make the praise as specific and concrete and fulsome as possible so that you're not just glossing it.

00:36:18.200 You know, you're talking about what I liked about what you did was this because when you did this, then that happened and it really made a difference to X, Y, Z.

00:36:25.400 So, that it actually gets properly heard. 0.99

00:36:30.120 And then the framing of what would make me like it even more suggests, you know, that you're making suggestions that are about, you know, personal growth rather than you're an idiot and you need to fix this. 0.98

00:36:43.920 It's just a very different framing.

00:36:45.380 And there are a bunch of these sorts of techniques that are real, just really tiny twists on things that seem quite familiar to us, but there are reasons why a small change in the way you do it will make it land better in the other person's brain.

00:37:00.600 So, like we said at the beginning, having a good day doesn't necessarily mean it's going to be flawless.

00:37:06.140 You're not going to have setbacks, etc.

00:37:08.420 So, the challenge then is developing the skill of maintaining a cool head when setbacks happen because you want that cool head because then you make better decisions and you can actually deal with the problem.

00:37:21.740 So, any insights from psychology and behavioral science on maintaining that cool head and bouncing back from setbacks so it doesn't ruin your good day?

00:37:31.020 Yeah, there's a ton.

00:37:31.960 There's a ton of great research on emotional resilience and it's incredibly useful to have your favorite techniques in your back pocket.

00:37:43.980 Not everybody's the same.

00:37:45.860 I teach them all and then find that sort of people gravitate towards one or two that they can use in the heat of the moment.

00:37:51.040 So, one that I like is a technique called distancing.

00:37:54.520 And what that involves is putting yourself at a distance from the situation that's happening or that has just happened that's unpleasant.

00:38:03.520 So, you know, imagine, I mean, just yesterday I found myself walking in absolutely the wrong direction to go to a meeting.

00:38:12.340 Right.

00:38:12.860 It's a sort of small thing that seems ridiculous when you say it out loud, but, you know, it can make a day go in the wrong direction because it meant that obviously I was going to be late.

00:38:21.940 And, you know, so what do you do?

00:38:24.100 You, you, there are a number of things you can do, but the very quick thing to do is to actually stop freaking out by saying to yourself, what am I going to think about this in a week's time?

00:38:33.820 Or what would my best friend advise me?

00:38:37.580 Or what would an incredibly wise person advise me?

00:38:40.120 What would I advise someone else?

00:38:41.860 All of these techniques put you in a position where you're able to remove yourself from the immediate panic or annoyance or anger of something that's happening.

00:38:54.540 And it's been shown that that reduces the level of defensiveness in your brain and therefore allows you to think more clearly.

00:38:59.920 And my go-to question is often, what will I think about this when I look back in a year's time if it's a bigger topic than just simply walking the wrong way down the street?

00:39:08.220 So, um, it's a really quick, quick technique and it then allows you to do, you know, some of the more involved, uh, resilience boosting techniques because you're, you're, you're kind of more sophisticated brain is a little bit more back, back online.

00:39:21.620 I love that.

00:39:22.840 Um, so another challenge of having a good day is keeping that motivation up throughout the day, right?

00:39:28.840 You can have your perfect morning routine where you set your intentions, you, you do, you're doing all the right moves, but then you hit that lull where you're just like, you're not, you're not motivated to keep it going.

00:39:39.740 Um, so what can individuals do to maintain that energy, that pep, mojo, motive, whatever you want to call it, uh, throughout the day?

00:39:48.340 Yeah, um, well, in one of the chapters in my, towards the end of my book, I, I list actually seven killer techniques that research suggest will pretty instantly boost your, uh, your energy, energy in different senses, you know, mental, emotional energy, not just physical energy.

00:40:05.500 Um, one that I really like, which is a bit counterintuitive is generosity.

00:40:12.320 Um, now this is weird because, you know, when you're at a low ebb, the last thing that you think you want to do is actually find ways to be helpful and useful and incredibly delightful to other people.

00:40:25.260 Uh, but actually research suggests that it is one of the quickest ways to, uh, to give yourself a boost and it doesn't have to be much.

00:40:34.640 It can be just paying an unexpected and totally unnecessary compliment to someone on something.

00:40:41.420 It could be going out of your way to do something that you didn't need to do, you know, allowing something to get someone to go in front of you at the store, you know, in line, um, allowing someone to, you know, give it, giving up your seat.

00:40:54.320 There was a, a day, uh, some time back, uh, sun is blazing today, but, uh, not long ago, rain was pouring and I was carrying my groceries in, uh, double bagged, uh, paper bags.

00:41:08.780 And there was a woman in front of me and the rain was so heavy.

00:41:13.460 She was actually also carrying a paper bag.

00:41:15.840 She had shoes in the bag for some reason.

00:41:17.560 I don't know why, but the rain was making her bag disintegrate.

00:41:21.340 So I went over to her and offered her the outside bag of my groceries and then, you know, obviously she was pleased, uh, but more to the point, I was absolutely, uh, full of energy and excitement at how amazingly helpful I had been.

00:41:41.940 I mean, you know, I shouldn't really admit this perhaps in public, but the point is that it's a win-win.

00:41:47.960 You end up feeling great about yourself as well as, of course, being helpful to the other person.

00:41:54.000 And I think it's partly because it reminds you that you've got something to give even when you're worn down.

00:41:58.860 And it also makes you feel a bit more connected to humanity.

00:42:03.000 And we know that feeling connected to other people is actually a very sweet reward for our very social brain.

00:42:10.960 So that's one example of the seven techniques that are in that particular part of the book.

00:42:15.200 That's great.

00:42:16.220 Um, well, Caroline, this has been a fascinating conversation and we've literally scratched the surface of your book.

00:42:21.280 I mean, we could have gone into setting goals, overcoming procrastination, making a brain-friendly to-do list, lots of great stuff.

00:42:29.000 So where can people learn more about your book and your work?

00:42:33.060 Thank you for asking.

00:42:34.640 Uh, so my website is probably the best place to start and that's carolineweb.co.

00:42:41.780 That's not .com.

00:42:43.120 Turns out there are lots of Caroline Webs in the world and I have .co, not .com.

00:42:47.640 So carolineweb.co. 0.91

00:42:48.620 And there are lots of things there that people might find interesting.

00:42:51.540 They can download a free chapter of the book.

00:42:53.240 They can, uh, if they already have the book, they can download a free discussion guide to talk about it with, uh, with friends, family, colleagues.

00:43:01.000 And there's a quiz also that you can take, uh, that gives you an idea of which particular parts of the book might be most useful.

00:43:07.580 Because I have written a book so you can dive in anywhere that's relevant to you.

00:43:11.480 Um, so, you know, if you, if you pick up the book and the thing that's on your mind is a difficult conversation that's coming up this afternoon, then you can go straight to chapter nine.

00:43:21.740 And in fact, you can even go to the shaded box summary at the end of the chapter and just read that if you really, really are pushed for time.

00:43:29.260 So I'm, I'm hoping that, uh, that the book will be eminently practical for even the most busy of your listeners.

00:43:36.260 Fantastic.

00:43:36.600 Well, Caroline Webb, thank you so much for your time.

00:43:38.120 It's been a pleasure.

00:43:39.640 Likewise.

00:43:40.000 Thank you, Brett.

00:43:41.100 My guest today was Caroline Webb.

00:43:42.440 She's the author of the book, How to Have a Good Day.

00:43:44.260 And that's available on amazon.com and bookstores everywhere.

00:43:46.640 And really go pick it up.

00:43:47.440 One of the best books on productivity I've ever read.

00:43:50.140 And you can find more information about Caroline and her work at carolinewebb.co.

00:43:55.080 And also make sure to check out the show notes at aom.is slash good day.

00:43:58.400 Well, that wraps up another edition of the Art of Manliness podcast.

00:44:12.500 For more manly tips and advice, make sure to check out the Art of Manliness website at artofmanliness.com.

00:44:16.760 And if you enjoy the show and I've gotten something out of it, I'd appreciate it if you give us a review on iTunes or Stitcher.

00:44:21.400 Help spread the word about the show.

00:44:23.040 As always, I appreciate your continued support.

00:44:24.940 And until next time, this is Brett McKay telling you to stay manly.

00:44:27.780 We'll see you next time.

The Art of Manliness - June 30, 2016

#214： How to Have a Good Day, Every Day

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