#244： Ask Frances - Brain Farts, Braggarts, and Civil Political Discussion
Episode Stats
Summary
In this episode of the Art of the Manliness podcast, host Brett McKay is joined by image consultant Franchescole jones to discuss how to deal with social awkwardness, including how to avoid coming across like a know-it-all and how to handle a braggart at the office.
Transcript
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brett mckay here and welcome to another edition of the art of the manliness podcast so last year
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i had image consultant francis colt jones on the podcast to discuss her book how to wow proven
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strategies to sell your brilliant self at the end of that episode francis invited aowin podcast
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listeners to ask her questions via her website about anything pertaining to personal presentation
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and social skills like job interviews small talk public speaking and so on and boy did you guys
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respond francis and i figured if one of you guys had a certain question there are probably hundreds
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more who have the same one so we've created this quarterly series on the podcast called ask francis
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where francis will answer some of the questions you've all submitted to her on our website in
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today's edition francis provides tips on what to do if you lose your train of thought while speaking
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it's happened to me several times how to avoid coming across like a know-it-all how to handle
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a braggart at the office an extremely timely topic with the presidential election less than a month
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away how to discuss politics with someone with differing political views tactfully and respectfully
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answers to those dilemmas and more coming up be sure to check the show notes out at aom.is
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slash fcj2 again it's aom.is slash fcj2 for links to resources where you can delve deeper into this topic
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francis cole jones welcome back to the show thank you so much so for those of you aren't familiar
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with francis uh she is a media and image consultant where she coaches high-profile individuals about
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how to put their best foot forward foot forward for job interviews sales pitches media appearances
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etc she's also the author of a book called how to wow and we had her on the podcast about it's been
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about a year ago now coming up on to talk about her book and her work and um at the end of that show
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she invited art of manly as podcast listeners to submit questions they had about personal presentation
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it could be anything from how to prepare for a job interview small talk dealing with office politics
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etc and she was inundated with questions from you all and so what we decided to do um we bring her
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back on the show about once a quarter to answer some of these questions that you all have asked her
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because i figure if one person has that question there's probably you know seven dozen others who
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have that question as as well um so francis has sent me a list of some of the questions she's asked and
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i think i feel like francis would you agree like the topic the main big topic of this is dealing with
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sort of social awkwardness that can come up when you're dealing with small talk and then also office
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politics yes i mean it's it's funny because these are these seemingly innocuous situations but as
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i certainly know from my own experience you know you're just kind of chatting and the next thing
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you know the whole thing goes south um so so and then there are also these moments where people find
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themselves in that situation and for whatever reason they're so upset that they lose their train of
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thought and and then they you know you leave and you just berate yourself because you say i can't you
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know i wish i'd said this or i can't believe you know i i could have done that so it's just about
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hopefully trying to keep a cool head in the moment okay that sounds great all right well let's get to
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some of these questions you mentioned it just now one of the question was you're having a conversation
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with somebody you get flustered for whatever reason maybe you're upset or maybe you just you're having
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a hard time you know figuring out what you're going to say and your thoughts get all jumbled and you lose
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your train of thought i think we've all had that moment where we were talking in the middle we're just
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like uh i just forgot what i was going to say and that can be really embarrassing for folks so what can
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people do uh when they lose their train of thought in the middle of a conversation well they're they're
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kind of two ways to approach it one is is if you know you're going to be in a situation or you're
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going to be meeting up with somebody who tends to fluster you um just to kind of hopefully think
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that through ahead of time a little bit and that looks like thinking through one of the hardest things
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in the world is to field a softball question so like how was your summer really my entire summer
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um so i want in anytime you get a big fat softball like that or what do you think we should do in this
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situation pick one very specific thing so if you do get a softball like how was your summer my favorite
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thing i did was x bam and then great conversation rolling you know if you're in an office situation
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someone says what should we do about well one thing we could do immediately is blah blah so just that's
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just a handy tip for any kind of a big fat softball that people throw at you the other thing i want
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you to do is again if you're meeting if you're thinking about someone who tends to make you tense
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think about what are the worst three things that you can imagine this person saying to you
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because a lot of times you know we'll just be like well i hope that doesn't come up and hope
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isn't really a strategy so think through those those few answers um so that's prepping it ahead of time
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if it you're in an impromptu moment and your mind goes blank what i want you to do is to say
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i'd like to think about that for a second because i want to give you the best answer possible
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i can't think of anybody in this world who says oh can you believe that guy that wanted to give me
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the best answer possible you know so it just it's not going to happen and you know whomever you're
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speaking with this plea is that you're actually giving it that level of consideration the other
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thing you can do is if you begin to answer and you get stuck you want to fill people in on what's
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happening but the important piece of that is you want to do it without apologizing so instead of
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saying like i'm so sorry i just lost my train of thought blah blah which requires that person
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to now feel badly for you and to somehow jump in what you want to say is you know what i need to
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gather my thoughts i'm you know i'm going to thank you for your patience while i do this or i'm going
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to ask you for your patience while i gather my thoughts because there's that moment when you make
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that very specific request that people are like oh okay i want to be that person for you i want to be
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that patient person so those are just some things that you can that you can have in your
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toolbox your conversational toolbox i like that and i mean also i think the thing is like don't
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yeah i think all these things don't make a big deal about it because i think the bigger deal you make
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about it it becomes a bigger deal than it really is right and the other thing is don't pretend it's
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not happening because a lot of what times what happens is people keep talking while they're trying to
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figure out what they are saying and then you can either just go down some wacky rabbit hole that
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you end up having to clean up or i mean it just things usually end poorly so just stop fill people
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in on what's occurring ask for their patience and then move along briskly okay great advice so i mean
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similar to that someone asks how do you recover from tripping over your words um and this happens if
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you're giving a presentation or you're just doing small talk or you're in a job interview you're
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really nervous you start speaking really fast and you just blah barf things out um how do you recover
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from that i mean when you get what you can do try not to apologize so you know you could say like hang
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on a second i've gotten myself into a verbal tangle i'm going to start again so i can be sure to give
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you the best answer possible so just really alerting people to what's occurring for you the other thing
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that can be nice also if you if you know that you're going into a situation with your boss or very often
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people also have trouble talking to their doctors things like that any authority figure i i recommend
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bringing a pen and paper because as old school as it seems just to say to somebody you know what i know
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this conversation is important so i want to take notes it slows everything down again so that you
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don't end up getting into those kind of weird verbal cul-de-sacs but it also makes the person that
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you're talking to feel really important you know people love it when you write down what they say
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so that's another tool um that can be very very useful all right slows things down i think you
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mentioned that in our last step at the time we had you on uh writing to taking you're writing notes
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like have a pen and paper out when you're having an important conversation because it not only slows
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things the con slows the conversation down but it also gives you a record like if you're talking to a
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boss and he asks you for something right and then three weeks later he asks for something completely
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different you can say well i have here right i'm looking at my notes which spares you the discomfort
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of saying like you said it's no i'm looking at my notes right so okay well that's great stuff so
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good advice there on how to um recover from losing your train of thought or recovering from tripping
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over your words just slow things down and uh great stuff so let's go over to this one this is this
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someone asked um this can come up if i think it work a lot even your personal life where
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you know a lot about a topic and you're eager to share all that you know about that topic
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but you don't want to come across like a know-it-all so how do you avoid that right um
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you know i think that there are a few ways that you can front load what you're about to say
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so before you launch into it you can say something like i'm guessing most of you know this or
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i'm sure you know most of you are thinking the same thing or i'm probably you know not the only
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one in the room with this idea um because what that does is that allows the people that you're
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talking to to to say to themselves i guess i did know that or you know i guess i was thinking the same
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thing um and so that's just a way to front load if you're about to bust into the conversation with
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kind of knowing everything the other thing that you can do is is if as you pause um as you're moving
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through it rather than saying you know does this make sense which can land for people uh as if you
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think they're not quite as clever as you are you could say am i making sense and that takes the onus
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for clarity on you so rather than inferring they're stupid you've now said it's possible that
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i'm not being clear so am i making sense is a great um way to check in with people halfway through
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you know you can also say you know does anybody have any questions so far so just that that kind
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of checking in and allowing people to interject if they need to um the other thing i just want you
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to be aware of is that when you do pause this way am i making sense any questions so far you actually
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want to not just do it in a uh kind of token way you really need to pause and give people the
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opportunity to ask any questions because sometimes it takes people um you know a second or two to get
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the courage to to pipe up so yes all right so i mean and also i mean are there moments where you
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should just like hold back or should you go ahead and say what you know because you know while some
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people might know what you're talking about there might be others who don't um you know there are
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moments where you should just hold back and i'm gonna bite my my tongue here and just not reveal what i
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know yeah i mean i mean if you find that every single time you know the a question is asked you
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know you're the one you know with your metaphorical hand in the air um then yeah then it's time to let
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other people have their moment in the sun uh the other thing you can do though is if if you do if
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somebody does pipe up with an idea um and for whatever reason you know again because you know you do know
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it all um but for whatever reason you want to uh you you think it's not 100 complete what you can do
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with that is to say you know if i could add to what jim just said because what that does is it validates
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that jim's contribution had you know was meaningful um and then it allows you to you know to include
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what it was that you really needed people to know so great advice there that's awesome um so kind of
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related to this topic of not coming off as a know-it-all is the uh when the shoe's on the other
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foot say you're talking to someone and they're just coming off as a know-it-all or they're bragging
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about what they're doing or they're doing the humble brag right well they're not exactly you know
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explicitly bragging but they're they're they're bragging a little bit um how do you handle
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individuals like that well in these moments you know if you have somebody who's consistently bragging
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i always go back to uh something that my brother um my brother always says which is you know tell me
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your pretensions and i'll tell you your insecurities um so i always tend to look at what people
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are being braggy about and say to myself wow that's something that they actually feel
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you know very very insecure about um otherwise they wouldn't be braggy uh because the you know
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thing to remember is that if people are being that way you know if you really are deeply deeply cool
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you don't need to be to remind people about it right so someone who's bragging is having a attack of
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insecurity um which is you know hopefully a more compassionate way to approach the conversation
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uh and then you know so with that in mind you know what you can do is is is validate them
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you know validate they're they're requesting validation they want to know that you think that
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they're fantastic so although it can be hard if you make a conscious decision about it it can also be a
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little bit fun i mean so you know if for example you have somebody who's going on and on well i went
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to this very exclusive restaurant where nobody can get a reservation and then after i was there i sent
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back my wine because you know this whole kind of blah blah blah rather than you know shutting them off
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or um you're talking about an experience that you had you could say yeah you know really it sounds
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like you know a lot about wine you know where did you learn that how did you come to know so much
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and they're going to be so excited about this you know and you know yes you're probably gonna have to do
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20 minutes on how they learn so much about wine but i think what this does is that as people get
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you know more comfortable that you believe their backstory and that you accept them
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the bragging will hopefully fall away a little bit
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um so yes if you can stay in wow that's really impressive where did you learn so much or wow and
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then what happened you know just just i think it's nice to let braggarts talk until they run
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out of steam all right that's great so that's great advice you have to play the long game
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you have to think you do and just realize that it it comes usually from insecurity rather than
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anything else okay well speaking of insecurity one other question that someone asked is how do you
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feel when you what do you do when you feel like you're outclassed i can see this happening for this
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happening in a whole wide variety situations maybe you're with friends or associates who you know are
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have more money than you or you're you know new at a job you're the low man on the totem pole
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and everyone has lots of experience over you and they just they're not even probably intentionally
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trying to make you feel dumb but like they make you feel dumb
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um so what do you do when you feel out outclassed um i think that you know there's there's people who
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are are who cause you to feel outclassed unintentionally and intentionally so again it's
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looking at what's what's behind it sometimes people are just talking and you know about their
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fabulous summer or their this or their that and you can be like wow i my summer doesn't sound quite
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so interesting um in those moments you know if their intention is just they're just chatting away
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again ask them some open-ended questions there's no way that people will not find you charming
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if i get you come back to you know tell me more about that or where did you learn that or that
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you know that sounds like it was extraordinary you know is it something that i might want to look into
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that type of thing um if you know if you're feeling outclassed by people who love to kind of use
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you know the big 10 cent words um to let you know how very smart they are that's again just something
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you need to let roll off of you um in a way and embrace you know what you're bringing to the party
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it can be hard to do um but authenticity is actually and simplicity are actually incredibly compelling
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um and if you doubt me look at someone like you know clint eastwood who doesn't say anything and is
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without a doubt the coolest in any situation or uh i always go back to the john wayne quote which is you
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know talk low talk slow and don't say too much um so those are nice if you know just in terms of
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really practical stuff if you are going into a social situation where you worried you're going to feel
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like you don't know what to do with the fork or the handshake or how to greet somebody you know do the
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research um and as kooky as it sounds you know there's a book called tiffany's table manners for
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teenagers so it's a really you know down and dirty how-to primer on how to get through almost any
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social situation um and and that can be you know very very useful um so those are the the types of
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ways that i would approach that kind of thing all right so let's talk about this i'm sure everyone's
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experienced experiences if they work at an office there's that one guy or one gal who no matter if they
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just anytime they swing by or walk by your desk you're in the middle of a report you're in the
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zone and they want to stop and just talk about the game or what they did this weekend they just go on
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and on and on and you know 30 minutes later you haven't made any progress um so how do you what do
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you do with the office chatterbox i mean you want them to go away because you want to get to work at the
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same time you don't want to be rude about it so what's the best approach there so in these moments you
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need to be frank and kind at the same time so this could sound something like first you just need to
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be very clear so i wanted to talk to you about a situation that's occurring for me in the office
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you know i noticed that you love to chat about a lot of stuff and that is so great for office
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camaraderie and i know that we all depend on you um to to keep us all in the loop about so many things
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and you know it's a great way to find out about people's weekends and birthdays and kids and things
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like that the downside of this for me is that i find myself distracted from the work that i need to
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get done um and then you need to give people the because because you know i know that office
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productivity is super important to everybody you know i'm may i make a request if i'm finding the
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chatting distracting would it be okay if i alerted you about it so what this does is that you begin
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with a compliment you begin with what's working i love what you're doing this is what works about
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being the chatterbox this is how it contributes to our you know our well-being the well-being of
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everybody you probably don't want to call them a chatterbox right now this is why it's so great
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you're a chatterbox linda this is what's so great about the chatting that you do because it really
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does keep us all in the loop and and it is so important for office camaraderie so this is the
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what's working um you know theory that i i believe i've spoken about before but it comes from you know
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the apollo 13 movie which is when they first called down from the spacecraft and the very first question
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that ed harris asks is what's working so let's start with what i like about what you're doing
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i love that you're contributing to office camaraderie and then the next part of that is you aren't saying
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that she is distracting or he is distracting to you all you're saying is that you are distracted
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uh so again taking the onus for being unable to work on yourself um so that that's that's very helpful
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um and then the third thing is is that you know you you kind of need to remind her like everybody's got
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skin in the game everybody needs to be productive so um if it's okay can you let me know how you want
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me to alert you if i'm needing to like put my head down and get back to my report um and what this does
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is it gives the person who's chatting a sense of control so you can say how do you want me to let you
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know do you want me to im you do you want me to leave a note on your desk um do you want me to you
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know just talk to you quietly can we work out some kind of a high sign but what that does is it gives
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that person a sense of control um over a situation rather than just feeling like the whole thing is
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out of control gotcha what's your take on it's like putting headphones on i think it's like one of
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the ways people do it now i remember when i was a law student and i was studying and i would just put
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even if i wasn't listening to anything i would just put headphones on so people wouldn't bother me
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yeah it's it's the i mean that's you can do that but the trouble with that is i mean i don't know
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about you i'm i'm still fuming um so and also you don't want to spend you know eight or ten hours a
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day in headphones so it's just i think yes you can in moments or you can say to her like can i let you
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know that if i have my headphones on or him if i have my headphones on this really means i've got
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my head down and i can't i i've got to stay with what i'm doing in front of me so maybe that's your
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signal right and i guess the other the other issue with headphones is that if you have them on all the
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time it could cut you off from important conversation that you know could actually make
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you more productive right someone swings by hey i got this tip but if you have your headphones on
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that's never going to happen yes and then all of a sudden you're the one who's anti-social so
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right yeah there you're the the weirdo who never talks to anybody all right um so let's talk about
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this francis this is very timely for this time of year we're in an election year uh politics is being
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discussed feverishly right now what do you how do you have a conversation with someone when your
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political views differ and this could happen at the office or just when you're with friends or
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associates at a you know at a party what's the best way to tactfully have a conversation with about
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politics when your the your views differ from them right um yes it's gonna be an exciting fall
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so i think that what can be really helpful is to fall back on active listening so for example if
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you're talking to somebody and for whatever reason they're unhappy with what how our current president
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has handled things so they might say you know obama has done x and y and z incorrectly and blah blah blah
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this whole thing and then so we just want to demonstrate that you've heard what they said so
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you say well it sounds like you really disagree with x policy at which point they're really reduced to
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saying you're right i do so now at least you have them agreeing with you so you're not um so it's not
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quite as contentious because the thing i mean i think that we all know sadly um is that you aren't
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really going to change anybody's mind during these conversations any more than your facebook post is
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going to change somebody's mind or you're you know you know telling somebody why they're wrong in the
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you know starbucks is going to change somebody's mind um so it's just really better if you want to
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get out of it gracefully gracefully to do active listening so wow it sounds like you're really
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committed to so-and-so's idea about immigration yes it's true blah blah blah i am oh and then again
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tell me more about that so this and that tell me more um another great phrase in these moments is let me
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think about that or i love you've given me a lot to think about um which is just a variation on uh
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what barbara walters she did a great book uh which i love um and she's she says uh well her exit line
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when someone is being truly horrible is always you've obviously given this a lot of thought and
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it's been interesting to hear your views it's a good one yes i know you've obviously given this a
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lot of thought totally true um so so yes that's what i would i would recommend is just active listening
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in these moments and and not try to you know pummel them in the head and say hey this is why i'm
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writing while you're wrong right or you know but you've forgotten about blah blah blah i mean again i think
00:27:01.960
it will always depend on the person that you're speaking with some people do enjoy a healthy
00:27:07.200
debate and some people are in the business of having their minds changed um but i mean i don't know
00:27:15.520
about you but i very often think that i'm right about most things so so it can be hard um and sometimes
00:27:25.740
it isn't worth it if it's somebody that you have to see every day and if you get into a confrontation
00:27:32.480
with them and then that has to you know be part and parcel of every conversation it's just you know
00:27:39.280
it's easier not to to go down you know to get involved in any i mean besides i mean what if things
00:27:45.020
get really heated i mean i guess i guess that would work the barbara walters line work if things get
00:27:48.740
really heated you can just bow out and say well it seems like you're giving really a lot of thought
00:27:52.200
to it and leave so is there any other tactics if things get like way you're just like oh man this
00:27:56.960
has just gone way too far um we should end this and not say like i'm gonna stop talking because that
00:28:03.980
just makes you look weird right i think you can say you know what again you know you've given me a lot
00:28:08.400
to think about and i noticed you know so what i'd love to do is pick this up another time
00:28:14.900
you know yeah and just just really but but end that conversation in that moment and if they want
00:28:24.320
to you know keep going just say you know what i'm and you can be being frank and clear you know what
00:28:28.840
i'm you know i'm worried that this is getting out of hand and your uh our relationship is valuable to
00:28:35.780
me so it just in the interest of preserving our relationship i'm i'm gonna ask to step i'm gonna
00:28:42.460
step away for a while um and again i'd love to pick this up with you another time okay some solid
00:28:49.080
advice there well francis this has been great we uh we i think we covered a lot of great awkward
00:28:54.300
situations that can come up and how to handle them gracefully um but where can people learn more about
00:29:00.240
your work and where can they ask more questions uh from you so my website is my name um franciscolejones.com
00:29:09.740
and that's francis with an e and not an i and uh once you go there there i have a number of
00:29:16.480
resources um i have as you mentioned i have a few books um how to wow is one and while your way into
00:29:24.480
the job of your dreams is another i have a lot of videos on the site both for you know if you want to
00:29:31.380
get promoted and that's uh being that's some tricky i have some etiquette videos i have some job
00:29:37.040
interview videos so you can click around to watch those and i tried to make them funny um i did a
00:29:43.160
lot on green screen so i did them like i'm samantha i'm dewitch so i have a situation that's going poorly
00:29:48.380
and then i pop in on green screen um and then there is as as you've heard i have an ask a question
00:29:55.700
button and so please um please please send me your questions because i do love uh i love to hear
00:30:02.380
from people and i love to think about the questions that you have and if i have any good advice it's um
00:30:08.720
it really is my pleasure to to share that so um please send me a question on the ask a question button
00:30:14.760
great and uh like we'll next like we just did now we'll uh get back with you after you accumulated a
00:30:21.060
giant list of them and we'll talk about some of the ones that were the most pertinent um that came
00:30:26.360
up quite a bit well francis as always it's been a a pleasure thank you so much for your time thank
00:30:32.660
you have a good afternoon my guest there was francis cole jones she's a image consultant author
00:30:37.900
of the book how to wow it's available on amazon.com and if you'd like to ask francis a question that we
00:30:43.320
might use later on in the podcast uh just go to franciscolejones.com she has a little uh
00:30:48.380
question submission form in our sidebar ask her a question she'll answer it um even if we don't
00:30:53.460
use it in this episode so go do that again franciscolejones.com be sure to check out the
00:30:58.220
show notes at aom.is slash fcj2 for links to resources we can delve deeper into this topic
00:31:03.420
well that wraps up another edition of the art of manliness podcast for more
00:31:18.200
manly tips and advice make sure to check out the art of manliness website at artofmanliness.com
00:31:22.120
our podcast is edited by creative audio lab here in tulsa oklahoma if you have any audio editing needs
00:31:27.000
or music production needs those guys can help you out you can find more information about them at
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creativeaudiolab.com as always i appreciate your continued support and until next time this is