The Art of Manliness - #317： Why Your First Impression Matters & How to Improve It

00:00:00.000 brett mckay here and welcome to another edition of the art of manliness podcast well whether we

00:00:18.980 like it or not first impressions matter a good or bad first impression can mean the difference

00:00:22.940 between landing the job or getting a polite rejection email getting a first date or getting

00:00:26.720 ghosted via text given the stakes involved do you know what kind of first impression you make well

00:00:31.940 my guest dave's a psychologist who specializes in the science of first impressions and has written

00:00:36.120 the most useful and thorough book on the topic that i've come across her name is anne demaray and

00:00:39.980 her book is first impressions what you don't know about how others see you and today on the show

00:00:44.060 anne explains how quickly we make a first impression and the psychological biases that influence how

00:00:48.620 people judge you and how you judge others we then dig into what you should focus on during a first

00:00:53.300 interaction to give a good impression and the behaviors you may think come off as neutral or

00:00:57.260 positive but actually read in a negative way for example you may think you're giving off a relaxed

00:01:01.880 cool dude vibe during a social interaction but others might see you as being aloof it explains how

00:01:06.480 to find these blind spots in your self-awareness and what you can do about them and we end our

00:01:09.800 conversation by going through some actionable tips to become more charismatic like how to keep a

00:01:14.160 conversation going when you first meet someone how to show interest in someone without looking creepy

00:01:18.300 and the common mistakes men make with their first impressions and if you happen to blow your first

00:01:22.560 impression and shares how to recover great show with lots of actionable advice after the show's

00:01:27.320 over check out the show notes at aom.is slash first impression and demaray welcome to the show

00:01:36.440 hi brett well glad to have you really enjoyed your book it's all about first impressions and you are a

00:01:42.380 first impressions consultant i am i'm curious yeah i mean that's that's an interesting thing uh job title

00:01:49.680 not me you're the first first first impression consultant i've met um and there's more of us

00:01:57.440 there's more of you but yes well my colleagues right well i'm curious like what kind of clients

00:02:02.680 do you have who's your clientele well we work with a number of different clients we work in the business

00:02:08.260 world we do executive coaching we also coach people on making a positive impression a job interview

00:02:13.600 we also do simulated first dates or first social encounters and give people feedback about how they come

00:02:19.220 across interpersonally and we also do seminars for special interests like real estate agents or other

00:02:25.840 groups etc we're based here in new york city and we also have an office in california that's fantastic

00:02:31.360 and the book that i read is first impressions what you don't know about how others see you and we'll get

00:02:36.300 into some of the details of that let's start with this question because i think uh when people think

00:02:40.700 about first impressions i'm sure i think a lot of people roll their eyes and like oh for it's so

00:02:46.420 superficial to think about your first impression you know what's it's not on the it's not you

00:02:51.300 shouldn't judge a book by its cover and all that what's your response to those those types of

00:02:55.380 criticisms well a lot of times on the discomfort of a first meeting we may not present ourselves

00:03:01.540 authentically you know we may be a little bit more shy or a little bit more talkative we may not be the

00:03:06.040 way we normally are or way our best friends see us so actually we may send unintended negative

00:03:12.280 messages and so it's just really helpful to know how you're coming across in these situations

00:03:16.440 so that you can be aware of it and you can tweak it and just like putting on a clean shirt when you

00:03:22.360 go to a job interview it doesn't mean you're inauthentic it just means you're want to start

00:03:26.400 out on a positive first step yeah i thought it was an interesting point you made first impressions

00:03:30.720 aren't or thinking about your first impression isn't so much about changing how you how you are but

00:03:36.880 actually making sure that your authentic self is conveyed to others that you don't know yes so

00:03:43.540 you're coming across the way you want to be and that you're not sending or leaking any unintended

00:03:48.320 messages that may you know cause relationships to not go the way you want them to so you just have

00:03:54.000 a little bit more control and you don't have to walk around trying to make a great first impression

00:03:58.020 on everyone that you meet or you pass by on the street but you know if you want to you can know

00:04:02.460 the tools to do it in a positive manner so you start off in the book digging into the psychology

00:04:07.740 of these filtering errors that we all have when we're sizing up someone that causes us to misjudge

00:04:15.340 someone and because of those filtering errors that's why it's so important to think about your

00:04:20.040 first impression yes so what are some of those what are some of those errors that we we have

00:04:23.820 yeah so first impressions is like a filter we all think we're good judges of character so we take

00:04:29.040 initial information in about someone and then we form an impression and we expect that person to

00:04:34.220 behave that way in the future and then we sort of filter the way we see their behavior so that we're

00:04:39.820 more likely to see things consistent with our initial filtering and filtered impression and may not pay

00:04:45.400 attention to the other behaviors so your initial behaviors will affect how people perceive you

00:04:50.920 moving forward or bias them to seeing you in one way or the other right one of those is the halo

00:04:56.120 effect i think you talk about yeah so there's some biases that we all have he has a halo effect so if

00:05:01.140 you see one positive thing in someone you may assume they have a cluster of other positive traits

00:05:05.720 that you've not seen it may not be true so if someone's upbeat you might think they're also

00:05:09.740 more successful and have other positive qualities that may not be there likewise the horns effect if you

00:05:16.800 see one negative behavior you might assume they have a host of other negative behaviors that may not be

00:05:22.180 true so we sort of spread we see one initial thing and assume that there's a cluster of other traits

00:05:27.260 along with it there's also basically the primacy effect we weigh initial information more heavily

00:05:32.900 than later so if you see the first thing we know about someone we believe to be more true than the second

00:05:37.800 things we see about them so people see a small percentage of you and they assume that it represents

00:05:42.240 100 of you and then there's one other kind of error which is what's called the fundamental error of

00:05:47.720 attribution so it's when we see someone behaving in a certain way do we assume it's because of their

00:05:52.500 personality or because of the situation and the the bias is when someone behaves say angrily we assume

00:05:59.800 they're angry always and everywhere that it's their personality but when i'm angry it's not because it's my

00:06:05.240 personality i assume it's a situation that something bad just happened to me someone cut me off or was

00:06:10.620 rude and it's just a temporary or situational thing but i'm going to judge others in the other

00:06:15.500 direction so there's all these unconscious biases about how people perceive you that if you're no

00:06:21.400 you know if you're aware of them you know you can be careful to be you know put your positive traits

00:06:27.260 first and that you will have a halo effect and the positive behaviors will be seen as the way you'll

00:06:33.800 behave always right do you do you know if there's any research on like how quickly we make first impressions

00:06:40.400 is it like just in a few seconds or does it take a little bit well that is actually there is no

00:06:47.460 specific amount of time that i've looked a lot into this research people start forming an impression of

00:06:52.340 you from initially when they meet you just on your your body and the way you dressed and the way you

00:06:57.080 carry yourself and then in the course of an initial conversation that will be the unit of time so if we

00:07:02.200 have a five minute conversation you'll probably you know use that five minutes you may have some

00:07:07.360 positive or negative initial impressions based on something that i if i do a particular gaffe

00:07:13.420 or i can keep the door open longer but uh it's not just three seconds you have a little bit more than

00:07:19.100 that so what the thing i love most about this book that really was really eye-opening for me you know

00:07:24.720 the title of the book is what you don't know about how others see you are these traits or these these

00:07:31.100 expressions that we give off that we think are positive or neutral but are actually being

00:07:37.740 interpreted as something negative by the other person can what are some of these common expressions

00:07:43.760 or attributes that we might think oh yeah like i'm that i gave off a good first impression but other 0.97

00:07:49.960 someone else who was there be like no that guy's kind of a jerk or kind of weird yeah so sometimes

00:07:55.040 again in the discomfort of meeting people we might be kind of shy so we might say a lot less than we 0.94

00:08:01.120 normally do when people might assume we're aloof or arrogant or not interested we're really just shy

00:08:06.480 and they're a little bit uh take longer to warm up with new people or we might be overly talkative

00:08:12.860 and feel like we have to really you know put a lot of stuff out there we might come across as

00:08:17.100 self-absorbed and uninterested in other people when when that may not be true but it might just be like

00:08:23.400 an awkward tension-filled kind of behavior that you project so there's many ways that we can and so in

00:08:31.260 our book if you saw there's we have tables that talk about positive behaviors it can make that have

00:08:36.080 you know an intended positive impression and sometimes behaviors that we do that we think is

00:08:41.200 making a certain impression but actually can make an unintended negative impression and so that's kind of

00:08:47.400 the really helpful way to kind of decompose the way you present yourself and be aware of oh

00:08:52.900 maybe if i'm don't smile and i hold back and sort of wait and see what things are what the

00:08:58.500 environment's like before i enter in i might feel like i'm just being safe and easy but i might be

00:09:03.740 coming across as like i said aloof or unhappy and unwilling to you know provide entertainment to others

00:09:10.840 right i know i'm guilty of that one sometimes i'll just you know i'm one of those like i'll wait

00:09:15.080 for the conversation and not inject myself in there because i'm afraid of coming off as too

00:09:20.080 overbearing but my wife sometimes says when he's like you you kind of seemed aloof and i was like i

00:09:24.440 didn't feel aloof i felt like i was in the conversation you know we all have the power to

00:09:29.380 create the mood around us so we can create a positive mood that's going to make the whole

00:09:34.940 interaction go in a more pleasant way rather than just trying to say neutral or or removed so we can

00:09:42.880 say something positive we can introduce ourselves we can add some levity there's lots of ways we can

00:09:49.100 create a positive mood around us more actively rather than passively gotcha so you go into there's

00:09:56.020 in any interaction that we have with someone there are four ways four areas we can focus on

00:10:02.220 to help bolster our first impression um what are those four ways so the first one is we focus on how

00:10:09.120 we're feeling so we're in a new interaction we're probably thinking i'm comfortable or i'm nervous or

00:10:14.120 i'm bored it's just spontaneously comes to mind we can't help thinking about how we feel

00:10:18.500 then we might shift the second focus is well what do i think about this person you know do i like him

00:10:24.000 or her or you know what's my impression of them that sort of naturally kind of comes to mind then if

00:10:30.740 we're in a new situation where like on a job interview we might start thinking what's that person

00:10:35.160 thinking about me you know we start to sort of self-monitor and think about that but the one

00:10:40.180 focus that we often don't pay attention to is how's that person feeling about him or herself just by

00:10:45.820 interacting with me and you know it's just something that you need some conscious effort to

00:10:51.040 to explore and that's actually the secret to making a positive first impression so it's really about

00:10:58.260 satisfying other people's needs making an effort to make them feel happier and better just by

00:11:03.280 interacting with you and so paradoxically paying attention to satisfying other people's needs

00:11:08.860 it's the shortest route to getting what you want out of social interactions and relationships yeah and

00:11:15.480 i think a lot of people naturally probably focus on what's that other person thinking about me i think

00:11:21.280 you talk about the spotlight effect right yes that's an easy thing to come to mind and we just don't

00:11:27.460 normally think how are they feeling are they feeling happy let me pay attention to them let me give

00:11:32.520 them some attention and so it's really about being socially generous trying to be you know we might

00:11:37.460 be generous with charity but we don't always think i can be generous to this person and i can try to make

00:11:42.720 them feel better and feel happier and so it's really an easy thing to do but sometimes people are like well

00:11:49.200 i don't really know how to be socially generous what am i supposed to do how to make people you know feel

00:11:54.420 better and everyone has different interests but there are some universal things that most people like

00:12:00.720 and we call them social gifts and there's four of them at least and one is being appreciated almost

00:12:07.800 everyone likes to feel respected for who they are for their talents or accomplishments and just

00:12:13.360 you know accepted so that's a really common thing that you can do by just pointing out to someone that

00:12:19.920 you really think that's great that they have launched a really successful podcast for example or

00:12:25.500 you know some talent that they have another social gift is connection people like to feel that they

00:12:32.380 have something in common with someone so if you point out where you share an experience or a value or you

00:12:38.900 like some of the same things it helps people to feel comfortable around you and they will like you more

00:12:45.640 because there's reciprocity of interests and values the third one is most people like a little elevation

00:12:51.880 like a lot of people you meet well some people you meet always put you in a better mood and you just

00:12:56.480 feel really just elevated from being around them a lot of people it's just kind of neutral and some

00:13:02.260 people it's kind of a downer after talking to them you feel like in a worse mood we don't always think

00:13:06.980 that we too have the power to affect the mood of others around us and so you can have a little levity

00:13:13.080 it doesn't mean you have to be telling lots of jokes but you can just be light-hearted focus on the

00:13:18.360 positive talk about funny little things that happen to you you can just improve people's moods and the

00:13:24.360 last one is what we call enlightenment and that's just having interesting conversational topics being

00:13:29.940 able to share information with someone doesn't have to be you know kind of heady intellectual stuff

00:13:36.360 it could just be something that's going on in the community or things that happened so just being

00:13:41.560 able to have some topics to to throw on the table so that's some of these we can be out

00:13:47.300 strengths in we might be really good at gleaning fascinating information and sharing it but we

00:13:52.440 might not be that you know focused on being appreciative or connecting so sometimes we have

00:13:57.160 an imbalance we focus on one of these gifts and unknowingly here's another like unintended

00:14:02.140 consequence we might be depriving people of these needs that they really want like they want to feel

00:14:07.820 appreciated and connected and we're focusing on trying to share information or be funny so it's helpful to

00:14:15.760 think about what your strengths and weaknesses are and having a balance of these four things is really

00:14:20.880 charismatic you know if you can probably think of people that are super easy to be around they

00:14:26.800 probably provide you with some of these these gifts i was curious is it is it possible to be like

00:14:32.780 overly socially generous or is it you can never it's not too much of a good thing it's usually more the

00:14:40.660 better it's possibly too much some people have an interactive style where they're sort of do rapid

00:14:45.160 fire questioning and it's sort of like an interrogation and in some ways it's like a little

00:14:50.760 bit flattering to have all this interest but then you come somehow end up being like on a more passive

00:14:56.080 answering rather than connecting you're depriving them of the opportunity to sort of like share back or

00:15:03.040 ask you so there is that sort of i don't know if you've ever been in a situation where someone just

00:15:07.980 asks you a million questions and you feel a little bit like on the sidelines of the interaction

00:15:13.340 yeah or you feel interrogated you feel interrogated yeah but back to these social gifts there's

00:15:19.700 something called a psychologist called social exchange theory which is it sounds cold but we

00:15:25.780 evaluate others by the gifts that they bring us and the costs that they incur so if someone's going to

00:15:31.580 be easy to be around with and it's going to provide us with these kinds of gifts they're more

00:15:36.600 appealing and more attracted to them and people that have more social costs that look like they've

00:15:42.220 got needs they're looking to fulfill and they're self-involved are going to be less attractive and

00:15:47.280 appealing so we unconsciously evaluate and are evaluated by these kinds of gifts that we give to

00:15:54.320 people so uh later on the book you talk about sort of the fundamentals of a good first impression and

00:15:59.420 one of the first one is just appearing accessible right someone could approach you so how do we

00:16:05.380 appear more accessible so that's the very first of a first impression is how you kind of make

00:16:11.040 yourself seem comfortable and approachable and there's a couple of elements one really is mood

00:16:16.900 like i talked about if you project a positive mood versus a dour kind of expression you're going to be

00:16:22.740 much more appealing and much more attractive you know you're walking into a party where you don't know

00:16:28.280 anyone if you see someone that has a more elevated mood they're smiling they're going to be easier to

00:16:33.200 approach our body language whether we're making eye contact we have an open posture those are things

00:16:39.440 that make people more approachable and more accessible and then as i was mentioning before

00:16:45.260 being proactive if someone comes up and introduces themselves it's immediately you assume that they're

00:16:51.400 more confident and then they're certainly making you more comfortable and they're putting themselves

00:16:56.480 out there so that you can have a more quick connection so that's really like sort of your

00:17:03.020 welcome mat right your body language and your mood so being on body language and mood uh are there

00:17:09.720 behaviors that you know going back to like you know people see us differently than the way we think

00:17:14.160 we're projecting are there behaviors that we think are neutral when it comes to approachability that

00:17:19.400 actually make us look closed off and defensive yeah that's like i was saying um earlier just not

00:17:26.760 smiling sometimes we feel like a smile seems forced and that if that it seems unnatural but actually it's

00:17:34.880 one of the few things that i really recommend people do even if they don't you know naturally smile

00:17:40.060 it just really is more of a welcome mat and so our facial expression has like lightning speed impact on

00:17:47.860 others and actually frowning is something that we scan the world it's like a threat and we register it

00:17:54.300 very quickly and so if you don't have a positive or if you have a negative facial expression it'll be

00:18:00.420 more readily recognized and you will be less approachable and feel like people be less comfortable

00:18:05.280 around you so it's something to that's the one welcome mat that i really recommend that you even put on

00:18:11.360 if it feels uncomfortable but to do it anyway just to smile when you meet someone for the first time

00:18:16.020 it tells them that you're happy to be in their presence that you're you know a positive person

00:18:20.860 even if you are just feeling kind of neutral it's kind of like the clean shirt right right well going

00:18:28.460 back to this idea of uh being proactive you know introducing yourself is there a time when maybe you

00:18:34.140 should not be proactive because being that up front might turn people off like how do you figure out

00:18:40.480 what's the best approach in a certain situation sure it's going to depend i mean if you walk into a

00:18:45.500 party and people that know each other engaged in a you know intense conversation you don't necessarily

00:18:50.180 want to bust in and introduce yourself you know there's certainly situations where if it's a small

00:18:56.160 group there's another person standing alone it's very easy to introduce yourself if you're at a

00:19:01.280 business conference you can go and introduce yourself to other colleagues it's very simple and um and

00:19:07.320 people usually welcome it gotcha yeah i feel like most people they you think they're not going to

00:19:11.940 welcome it but most people like once you do they're like actually pretty excited that someone

00:19:16.420 reached out to them yeah you've taken the burden off of them right so you've made it easier for them

00:19:21.800 to to connect okay let's uh let's say you've you've made that introduction right and you've got that

00:19:27.600 little bit of conversation yeah going how do you keep that conversation going so you leave a good

00:19:33.900 first impression as you said earlier first impression isn't made in three seconds it might be within

00:19:38.260 the five minute conversation you have so what's going on maybe i can speak to what we call these

00:19:43.240 fundamentals so there's like elements that make a positive impression and so the first one we just

00:19:48.480 talked about was being accessible the next really important one to do is just to show interest as long

00:19:54.980 as you're not interrogating but um and that can be done by asking open-ended versus closed-ended

00:20:00.640 questions not like where do you live but you know what do you like about where you live and what do you

00:20:05.720 like to do for fun things that can open up and have people share their passions and really importantly

00:20:11.400 it's helpful not to keep segwaying back to yourself so if someone says you know i like to i just came

00:20:17.900 back from a trip to paris and then i say i went there too last year and here's a 10 minute explanation of

00:20:23.100 my story then i've deprived that person of you know sharing and and you know connecting so showing

00:20:30.740 interest is really one of the fundamentals it's easy especially if you're someone that's not as

00:20:35.340 comfortable in new situations and don't know a lot of topics asking the other person about him or

00:20:40.780 herself and following up is a great way because interest begets attraction really so then the

00:20:47.880 topics like you said well what do we talk about you know we're mutual blank slates right we don't have

00:20:52.860 any i don't know you at all so you know what would i talk about my model airplane hobby or my position

00:20:58.780 on gun control or where do you start and there are some kind of you know basic steps that most people do

00:21:04.900 that make you more comfortable to be around just the first one is being like in the moment you know

00:21:10.520 talk about the weather or the music in the space or the the speaker we just saw or that we both know

00:21:17.020 the the host and that just makes people seem safe and comfortable and we're sharing the same space we're

00:21:22.460 in the moment then you can sort of warm up and talk about you know current events or facts or things

00:21:28.400 and once you have more of a foundation you can move into talking more about opinions and values and

00:21:35.520 things that you don't want to dive into quite as quickly until you've established more of a

00:21:40.360 foundational rapport yeah i'm going i love the idea of um you know making whenever you are asking

00:21:46.580 questions about somebody and they give you answer making sure not to bring the conversation back to

00:21:50.980 you we wrote an article about conversational narcissism a long time oh yeah yeah yeah and it's funny like

00:21:57.700 ever since i wrote that article and i'm talking taking part in conversation i'll see people doing

00:22:01.560 it or i'll catch myself doing it yeah it's so easy because it's so easy to fall into because like

00:22:05.820 you have this information like you know about it so you want to share it but uh you got to fight that

00:22:11.340 urge right we all have you know the stuff on top of mind and it just yeah it's the easiest things to

00:22:16.940 do is just to narrate our thoughts right that's the least effort and conversational narcissists tend

00:22:21.820 to brag talk about themselves a lot glaze over when others are speaking constantly segue back to

00:22:28.920 themselves um it's really unappealing and you know uh again it's it's something that we're not aware of

00:22:35.940 doing we've probably all done it at least sometimes when we're uncomfortable or something super present in

00:22:42.720 our minds so it's just really important to check yourself especially when you're in a new meeting you

00:22:49.920 want to speak shorter and then pass the ball when you're with friends and family you can say hey

00:22:56.840 something major happened today i want to tell you this long story and that's a great forum for telling

00:23:02.060 your long stories but in a new in a new situation you want to really pass the ball back because

00:23:06.980 otherwise you'll be an unappealing narcissist in conversation got to show interest and i love how you

00:23:13.540 you really hit on the point that you know starting the conversation what you talk about is you talk about

00:23:17.600 really mundane things and a lot of people like oh it's so i hate i hate those like superficial

00:23:23.880 conversations but like if you're meeting someone new like you don't want to delve right into like

00:23:29.400 so tell me your opinion on whatever hot button topic or what's the meaning of life uh like you you

00:23:35.920 have to sort of have an on-ramp to get to that point yes exactly i like that metaphor it's an on-ramp

00:23:41.220 so you warm up so and then you know just like there's general things to avoid like religion and

00:23:48.700 politics some things that are too heavy you might want to avoid or i once had a client that said you

00:23:55.480 know he just got this medical news that was really great he just found out he was cured of something

00:24:00.700 and so it was very exciting to him and it was great but then it was put the other person put me in a

00:24:05.760 position where i couldn't speak about a movie i saw last night without being kind of like rude so

00:24:10.860 in some ways you want to hold back even positive heavy personal information with a new person right

00:24:17.800 i think yeah that example that example was with the like he was preparing for a date right like he

00:24:22.760 yeah yeah that's it's probably not something you want to bring up on a first date yeah so even though

00:24:29.040 it's really exciting you share it with other people that can come up and you know in a later

00:24:33.900 interaction and the banalities you know the details of everyday life or um what's called

00:24:41.880 negative egocentrism complaining about one's problems um are unappealing and also you have to

00:24:48.580 be careful about the way you present things you know avoiding this lecturing like telling people

00:24:53.980 you know a long expose on something you know about telling long stories about people that they

00:24:59.720 the other person doesn't know sometimes people fall into sort of what we call sermonizing trying

00:25:04.560 to convince you of their way of thinking it's really about talking with and not at and making

00:25:10.820 sure that you're not positioning the other person as audience and that you're having a kind of parody

00:25:17.640 and give and take so there's like a lot of topics you can cover if you cover them in a you know

00:25:23.740 positive you know back and forth kind of way nice to start with weather maybe move to sports

00:25:29.420 then move on to something yeah in some ways it's a little fishing you just try to throw out a few

00:25:34.080 things and sometimes you can find common interests or say brett so what do you like to do on the

00:25:38.560 weekends and i could say wow i'd love to do that too i'm really into you know some aspects of

00:25:44.100 whatever you like and then we can you know explore that right yeah the other thing too is sort of about

00:25:49.040 using your environment like if i'm at a wedding and i'm sitting i'm at a party table i don't know

00:25:53.820 anyone i'll ask like well how do you know the bride or the groom and then that's like that can

00:25:57.960 go like that's a nice on-ramp right lots of great conversation can go from there right and where do

00:26:04.880 you know them and so that's just that's being in the moment we're in this beautiful space we know

00:26:09.600 these same people together and then you know you move into the the next level and then you find

00:26:15.340 more connections that's great so another element you talk about in a good first impression is

00:26:20.880 self-disclosure yes that's kind of your emotional self-presentation and you can accelerate or put the

00:26:28.120 brakes on a relationship by how much you disclose of yourself sharing something that people wouldn't

00:26:33.420 know about you you know unless you told them it's really a way when you share something like a

00:26:38.420 vulnerability or something you know about yourself it really can make people feel more endeared to you

00:26:44.400 and it's a compliment to have something you know shared with you that means i like you and i trust

00:26:49.600 you so again we start with the basics it's another on-ramp you know it's sort of like i share a little

00:26:56.720 bit you share a little bit it's like a strip poker i take off a sock someone takes off a sock you don't

00:27:02.500 want to go right to like the deepest you know darkest things right away you want to ease in and feel

00:27:08.680 out the other person's comfort with disclosing so you should match if the person doesn't seem like

00:27:14.160 they want to to go there then you can you know be sensitive to that and not share too much more of

00:27:19.980 your personal kind of information but the things that are really helpful really appealing is your

00:27:26.100 passions what you really feel happy about it brings out you know a spark in you um and again things that

00:27:32.820 are a little bit vulnerable it's everyone has vulnerability so if there's you know some some

00:27:38.400 things that you're comfortable sharing that's that's great it makes people feel back to that

00:27:44.040 connectedness right but you want to you don't want to go in we all have them right you don't want to

00:27:48.260 go into too much information territory where you're like the guy i just got cured of this you want to 0.87

00:27:53.180 share little by little right on the first meeting just say you know i um i what a fool i i screwed up on 0.58

00:28:00.800 this today or something or um just little mistakes or personal vulnerabilities or yeah i'm curious are

00:28:08.960 there any other elements of a good first impression that people i don't either gloss over or don't even

00:28:14.380 think about so we talked about uh being accessible and sort of showing interest and self-disclosure are

00:28:20.760 there any other ones you think are really important one is another one that's actually people really don't

00:28:25.900 pay attention to is this dynamics that i was referring to a little bit kind of like the the

00:28:31.020 give and take of the conversation if you're watching people speak in a different language that a language

00:28:35.060 you don't know you can sort of get a whole sense of the vibe without even knowing the content and it's

00:28:40.680 really about like how much in quantity that you share like you dominate or you know not share enough

00:28:47.240 and so that's really helpful to be aware of and usually it's good to be sort of complimentary in that

00:28:53.780 regard if someone's really shy and looks like they don't feel comfortable you can maybe speak a little

00:28:58.600 bit more to make them feel comfortable if someone's really likes to talk a lot and you do too again

00:29:05.020 socially generous let them do a lot of the talking they'll feel good so in a first meeting let them have

00:29:11.300 the quantity that they feel comfortable with and you should adapt yourself to them and pace matters too

00:29:17.400 there's no speed of speech that's universally appealing we like others that speak at the same pace as us

00:29:23.280 so fast talkers like fast talkers and slow talkers like slow talkers and again have like that halo

00:29:29.640 effect on them if you talk faster than other people then you introduce anxiety if you've ever been around

00:29:35.780 someone that's talking really fast you feel this like ah like anxiety so if you're speaking faster

00:29:40.920 than other people you might want to slow down and if you speak slowly and people try to finish your

00:29:47.360 sentences you might want to pay attention to that and maybe not choose your words quite so carefully

00:29:52.500 and speak a little faster and that can have you know a pretty strong impact on how people perceive you

00:29:58.820 and then again this turn taking and yielding and interrupting you know if you might feel like you are

00:30:04.720 looking engaged if you keep interrupting but you might be sending the unintended message that whatever

00:30:10.000 you have to say is so much more interesting and important than what i have to say

00:30:13.980 so it's really good form in a first meeting and in general to to yield to interruptions

00:30:20.020 in your work with your clients have you noticed that men make like some common mistakes with their 0.98

00:30:26.680 first impression that you don't see women make yes i mean a lot of this stuff is you know gender

00:30:32.360 neutral but there are some behaviors that are more common in men and um back to when i was talking

00:30:38.700 about like lecturing and storytelling men tend to do what we call male pattern lecturing especially on

00:30:45.920 dates they might know some topic or read some article and they like to talk at length about it and

00:30:51.860 in feedback they say it makes me feel smart and i feel like i'm giving this you know sharing this

00:30:57.740 information and this is going to be you know make me seem really appealing and uh back to that balance

00:31:05.200 it might be interesting but the the poor date seems like an audience member who doesn't have a chance

00:31:11.460 to feel any appreciation or connectedness so they feel deprived uh there's a cost by just listening to

00:31:18.720 this this lecture women by the way tend to lean more towards that storytelling error of just going into a 1.00

00:31:25.480 lot of details about people or friends with problems etc that the other person doesn't know or particularly

00:31:31.660 care about men often also like to sort of show off a little they want they look for respect

00:31:38.700 and women look for rapport sometimes they will try to insert brags there's even something that we call 1.00

00:31:47.500 the faux segue so i had a client that asked me if i had pets and i had canaries and i said yes and then

00:31:54.340 he quickly segued it said i have fish and i have a fish tank here in the city and then one in my house

00:31:59.600 out in southampton and he told me later that he specifically asked people about pets so he can

00:32:05.220 insert that he has a house in this prestigious beach community um so that you know he can get that brag

00:32:12.200 in in a in a sly manner so men um like to insert kind of these brags they want to find have respect

00:32:20.880 they believe that it's making them come off more positively when a lot of times it doesn't have the

00:32:27.180 intended impact that's that's good to know that's good to know that's funny how you sometimes people

00:32:32.760 call it mansplaining yeah i've heard that phrase so i'm curious with this whole first impression

00:32:38.420 rubric you've developed are when you are in say like a first date or a job interview is does your

00:32:45.740 approach to your first impression change or do you use that you just fall upon the fundamentals no matter

00:32:50.280 the situation well situation is going to matter so um but here's the thing when you're making when

00:32:56.740 you're on a job interview showing a lot of interest in the interviewer is really a good thing it

00:33:02.540 demonstrates that you've got this interpersonal style that's other oriented that's caring rather

00:33:08.200 than saying i'm an other oriented person if you demonstrate it so you ask the interviewer how long

00:33:13.520 have you been at the company and what do you like about it and you know engage them in sort of a

00:33:18.380 social conversation you'll make a better impression because you're going to give some of those gifts

00:33:25.500 you're going to be appreciative and connecting and the person's going to be unconsciously

00:33:29.080 you know biased in a positive way towards you and a lot of people on job interviews kind of neglect to

00:33:35.160 do that but naturally once you get into the interview it's appropriate for you to you know respond to the

00:33:41.460 questions again being you know hopefully brief and and and direct and succinct

00:33:47.380 but it wouldn't be the same as a obviously as a date yeah i think i've always i picked up early

00:33:53.720 on when i was doing job interviews when i was in law school is that and someone told me this like

00:33:57.800 they're basically trying to figure out if they're going to enjoy working with you like they've they've

00:34:01.680 seen they've seen your resume they know you have the credentials uh the interview uh is just there to

00:34:08.260 see am i going to get along with this person am i going to enjoy being at work with this person

00:34:11.700 exactly it's not the most accurate way to assess job performance but everyone wants to know that

00:34:19.120 the person's going to be fun and likable it's this human need right we want to be around someone that

00:34:24.060 gives us these social gifts makes us feel happy you're not going to be a downer in the next office

00:34:30.300 right right don't want to do you don't be debbie downer um so let's let's say uh you have a bad

00:34:36.460 first impression is it possible to recover from one yes it is definitely possible but remember you're

00:34:43.220 going to be swimming against the tide because they've already made an impression of you and

00:34:47.480 they're expecting you to behave in that negative way but you can actually overcome that i mean sometimes

00:34:53.900 i even recommend to people if they know that they're shy or act differently in new situations just

00:34:59.740 give a heads up and say hey i look forward to meeting you just want to let you know sometimes

00:35:04.100 i'm a little quiet on first meetings if that's appropriate that's a helpful thing to do just in

00:35:09.620 advance to prevent it but after it happens so so you do something you make some gaffe like you maybe

00:35:14.880 talk non-stop and alienated the person you can sort of do like a post-impression jump start you know

00:35:22.820 you can if it's with someone that you're going to interact with again a new colleague you can send a

00:35:27.980 quick note saying hey it was really great meeting you sorry i was like blabbing on i'm not normally

00:35:33.400 my style i look forward to learning more about you and etc leave it in a little email or text so that

00:35:38.940 they don't have to respond immediately it's a nice way of just sort of being self-aware and modest and

00:35:45.640 you know a little bit generous now obviously if you're at a dinner party and it's a stranger it would

00:35:50.680 be inappropriate to chase them down and do that but if it's with someone that you would expect to

00:35:55.740 interact with again a neighbor or colleague also just over time if you're uncomfortable doing that

00:36:01.760 if over time if you you know the next time you see them you display your positive qualities

00:36:07.760 eventually the scales will tip and they'll see you know the true you you could also just be a little

00:36:14.040 bit more directive in that if you know that the person's likes certain things they like elevation or

00:36:20.040 they like being having intellectual discussions you could adapt yourself to like be more giving

00:36:26.200 the gifts that that person likes and that can accelerate your recovery so you can definitely do

00:36:32.380 it and i mean we've probably all had the experience where we've misjudged someone where we've didn't

00:36:38.080 take an immediate liking to them but then eventually you know grew to like them over time so we've all

00:36:44.160 experienced that i think but sometimes you know if someone makes a poor impression sometimes you can

00:36:49.920 think well maybe that person was a little uncomfortable and and maybe i should cut them

00:36:53.580 some slack you know and maybe i should see that if they were talking a lot that maybe they were just

00:36:58.280 nervous or they were trying to be positive and upbeat and it was you know an unintended message

00:37:05.540 yeah i think the idea that uh time can sort of heal your bad first impression wound is powerful

00:37:11.560 because i've had that happen i like there's someone i met initially i was like uh i don't

00:37:15.780 like to get along with but like because of uh school or work i had to interact with them on a

00:37:19.580 regular basis i get more familiar with them and then eventually i'm like hey this guy's this person's

00:37:23.700 great yeah i don't know why i even thought that in the first place yeah so we should be aware it's

00:37:28.280 helpful i mean this whole framework also helps us to be aware of the way we judge others and be more

00:37:34.500 compassionate and generous to other people to realize they may have all kinds of wonderful positive

00:37:41.080 qualities we haven't yet seen i love that well and this has been a great conversation where can

00:37:45.960 people go to learn more about your work so we have a website first impressions consulting.com

00:37:52.800 we also have this book that you mentioned it's called first impressions what you don't know about

00:37:58.780 how others see you by random house and it's in 24 languages wow so okay we have we have an

00:38:04.740 international audience so we're solving first impressions worldwide that's that's amazing that's

00:38:10.180 i'm sure like it does it change for culture this kind of brings up it like the way you

00:38:14.580 there are cultural differences yes and so we try to make that very clear that what's going to be

00:38:19.840 appropriate in america is different than in japan and there are a lot of subtle differences but

00:38:25.380 there's a lot of human nature that's really you know a core and these kinds of social gifts are

00:38:32.020 really going to be cross-cultural that's good and the idea of giving to others first in order to

00:38:38.260 you know get what you want in a relationship is is pretty much a you know culture-free phenomenon

00:38:44.760 right universal well and dimeray thank you so much for your time it's been an absolute pleasure

00:38:49.920 all right lovely thank you so much for inviting me brett thank you my guest today was and dimeray she

00:38:55.460 is the author of the book first impressions what you don't know about how others see you it's

00:38:59.380 available on amazon.com you can also find out more information about ann's work at first impressions

00:39:03.840 consulting.com also check out our show notes at aom.is slash first impressions where you can

00:39:08.900 find links to resources where you can delve deeper into this topic

00:39:11.340 well that wraps up another edition of the art of manliness podcast for more manly tips and advice

00:39:27.100 make sure to check out the art of manliness website at artofmanliness.com if you enjoy this show you've

00:39:31.360 gotten something out of it i'd appreciate if you take a minute or two to give us a review on itunes

00:39:34.800 or stitcher that helps us out a lot as always thank you for your continued support and until

00:39:39.020 next time this is brett mckay telling you to stay manly

The Art of Manliness - June 29, 2017

#317： Why Your First Impression Matters & How to Improve It

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