The Art of Manliness - July 31, 2025


#606： How to Activate Your Brain's Happy Chemicals


Episode Stats

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4


Summary

Loretta Bruning is the author of several books on happiness in the human brain, including her latest, Tame Your Anxiety: Rewiring Your Brain for Happiness. In this episode, we discuss the similarities between human brains and the brains of other mammals, and how our brains release happiness-producing chemicals like dopamine, oxytocin, and serotonin to spur to seek rewards related to our survival needs. We also talk about the unhappy chemical of cortisol, which is released in response to perceived threats, and the factors that have increased our stress and anxiety in the modern world.


Transcript

00:00:00.000 Brett McKay here, and welcome to another edition of the Art of Manliness podcast.
00:00:11.300 Everyone has experienced the way our feelings fluctuate day by day, even hour by hour.
00:00:15.540 Sometimes we're feeling up, sometimes we're feeling down.
00:00:17.980 My guest today says these oscillations are a result of nature's operating system, and
00:00:22.100 you can learn to better manage these emotional peaks and valleys.
00:00:24.660 Her name is Loretta Bruning.
00:00:25.620 She's the author of several books on happiness in the human brain, including her latest,
00:00:29.440 Tame Your Anxiety, Rewiring Your Brain for Happiness.
00:00:32.580 We begin our conversation by discussing the similarities between human brains and the brains
00:00:36.120 of other mammals, and how our brains release happiness-producing chemicals like dopamine,
00:00:40.400 oxytocin, and serotonin to spur to seek rewards related to our survival needs.
00:00:44.760 We also talk about the unhappy chemical of cortisol, which is released in response to perceived
00:00:48.680 threats, and the factors that have increased our stress and anxiety in the modern world.
00:00:52.800 Loretta then explains that the boost we get whenever the brain's happy chemicals are activated
00:00:56.620 doesn't last, and how we need to plan and execute healthy options for proactively stimulating
00:01:00.800 these chemicals, including creating expectations for rewards and finding small, positive ways
00:01:05.260 of increasing our status.
00:01:06.620 We end our conversation with how to manage spikes of cortisol in yourself, as well as help
00:01:10.160 other people manage their emotional troughs.
00:01:12.020 After the show's over, check out our show notes at aom.is slash happychemicals.
00:01:15.680 Loretta joins you now via clearcast.io.
00:01:28.260 All right, Loretta Rooney, welcome to the show.
00:01:31.440 Hi, thanks for having me.
00:01:33.220 Let's talk about your background and career.
00:01:35.400 What began your career in researching and writing about how the brain works in relation
00:01:39.840 to stress and anxiety?
00:01:42.100 Thank you.
00:01:42.880 Well, as always, it's short-run things and long-run things.
00:01:47.000 You could say that I grew up in a household with a lot of anxiety and unhappiness, and the
00:01:54.560 reason for it was not obvious, and in fact, it was sometimes blamed on me.
00:02:00.860 But I fortunately had some awareness that I could not possibly be causing all of this.
00:02:07.200 So, I think I always had some interest in, you know, what is it that drives the emotional
00:02:14.760 responses that people have?
00:02:17.120 So, I spent most of my life in academia, but I was only peripherally involved in psychology.
00:02:25.120 I taught management.
00:02:26.520 And because I was only peripherally following psychology, I think it gave me the freedom
00:02:32.920 to sample different views rather than being forced to promote one particular paradigm in
00:02:40.220 psychology.
00:02:40.800 And then when I became a parent and I saw the fact that children are not happy all the time as much as you
00:02:50.620 idealize what circumstances you think they will have, and that pushed me to look deeper for the truth.
00:02:59.340 And the one way, the way you approach, the way you explore anxiety and stress and even status amongst
00:03:07.780 humans is you have to understand that the brain shares characteristics with other mammals.
00:03:14.180 So, let's start there because I think it will guide the rest of our conversation.
00:03:17.440 How does our mammal brain contribute to either our well-being or whether we feel stressed out and anxious?
00:03:23.580 So, first on a simple level, beneath our cortex, we have the same brain as other animals.
00:03:31.100 So, people have heard of these limbic structures like the amygdala, the hippocampus, and all those
00:03:36.300 little parts.
00:03:37.400 And it's really not important pointing to specific parts.
00:03:41.520 The point is that animals make complex decisions without any cortex at all.
00:03:47.300 And what that means is that when you tell yourself your reason for doing things,
00:03:53.060 that's just like a tiny percentage of what's going on.
00:03:57.040 So, much of what's going on is managed by chemicals.
00:04:01.080 That's how animals do it.
00:04:02.360 They don't have any verbal inner dialogue, but positive chemicals motivate them to approach
00:04:08.780 and negative chemicals motivate them to avoid.
00:04:12.520 And how do they know when to release the positive or negative?
00:04:16.620 It's with neural pathways created by whatever turned those chemicals on in their past.
00:04:22.720 So, that's, you could say, sort of a crapshoot in our lives.
00:04:27.400 It's just the random chance of early experience wires the lens through which we react to the
00:04:34.160 world.
00:04:35.100 Well, let's talk about these basic needs that you say our mammal brain has and that these
00:04:40.920 different chemicals, neurotransmitters, they're there to help us to go for those needs.
00:04:46.880 So, what are the needs of a mammal brain?
00:04:48.800 Sure.
00:04:50.200 So, animals try to survive by avoiding threat and seeking rewards.
00:04:58.000 So, the rewards are obviously food and warmth, whatever that specific animal needs.
00:05:05.300 But avoiding threats has to be pursued at the same time.
00:05:09.880 And we define threats and rewards with neural pathways built from past experience.
00:05:15.540 So, if you grow up in an environment where your needs are met and you're safe from threat,
00:05:23.860 then your brain sort of ranges out further and further looking for things that could threaten
00:05:33.740 you or could be rewarding.
00:05:35.860 All right.
00:05:36.660 So, that exploring, that need for exploration, which, you know, that could lead to a threat
00:05:43.200 or it could lead to reward, that's driven by dopamine, that neurotransmitter in our brain.
00:05:47.960 Yes, that's a really good point.
00:05:49.840 Exactly.
00:05:50.500 Dopamine is the great feeling of reward.
00:05:53.500 But every one of these happy chemicals has a downside.
00:05:56.880 And what you mentioned, you know, when you go out and seek rewards, but you could be disappointed,
00:06:01.980 you could be threatened, and the other part of the downside of dopamine, like all of them,
00:06:07.480 is you just get a short burst, and then it's metabolized.
00:06:11.920 So, it's like when you get what you want, the good feeling is gone, and then you have to get,
00:06:17.680 you have to do more to get more.
00:06:19.760 And the reason for that is that our ancestors had to keep filling their belly.
00:06:24.500 They didn't know where their next meal would come from.
00:06:26.840 So, dopamine motivates you to seek, seek, seek, because that's how you get the next meal.
00:06:34.300 Another one of those happy chemicals you talk about in the book is oxytocin, which sort of
00:06:39.860 fulfills the animal need for feeling like you're close to, I mean, it's like love.
00:06:44.120 That's not what we feel like.
00:06:44.820 It's what we did, the neurotransmitter that goes on in our brain when we hug or cuddle with
00:06:49.540 our family member.
00:06:51.540 Yes.
00:06:51.940 So, oxytocin is actually social trust.
00:06:56.060 So, touch stimulates it, and sex stimulates it, but everyone knows that it's possible to
00:07:02.200 have sex without trust, let's say.
00:07:05.020 So, it helps to understand it from an animal perspective.
00:07:08.900 So, when you see two monkeys grooming, touch stimulates a little bit, and if you let another
00:07:17.800 animal close enough to you to touch your fur, they could kill you in an instant.
00:07:23.560 So, you have to trust them a little bit.
00:07:27.280 So, touch and trust go together.
00:07:30.320 And sex is a lot of oxytocin at once, and then it's metabolized, and then it's gone.
00:07:36.560 But another way of looking at it is that when two monkeys groom together, they build their
00:07:42.640 oxytocin pathways so it's easier to trust the individuals who have groomed you in the past
00:07:49.200 or that you have groomed them in the past.
00:07:52.660 And this is herd behavior also when we extend it to a group, that we trust them, and it's not
00:08:01.540 because of a sophisticated intellectual reason, but because if a predator comes, you're safer
00:08:07.820 when you're surrounded by your herd.
00:08:09.740 So, it's really a selfish survival motivation.
00:08:13.200 All right.
00:08:13.300 So, that encourages survival.
00:08:14.880 Another happy neurotransmitter, happy chemical that we experience that also contributes to
00:08:19.340 our survival is serotonin.
00:08:20.920 What's going on with that?
00:08:22.660 So, this is complicated, but a century of research in zoology has taught us that mammals are very
00:08:32.060 hierarchical and competitive, and they actually are aware of each other's status.
00:08:38.760 And individuals promote their genes and get more reproductive opportunity when they raise
00:08:46.020 their status.
00:08:47.420 And more recent research in the late 20th century showed that your serotonin increases when you're
00:08:55.260 in the one-up position.
00:08:57.340 And like all the other chemicals, it's very ephemeral.
00:09:00.400 It comes and goes.
00:09:01.260 So, that means that if there's two of us and one banana, you know, serotonin gives you that
00:09:08.920 sense of confidence that motivates you to assert yourself and get the banana.
00:09:14.540 And in the animal world, animals never assert themselves unless they're sure they're going
00:09:19.280 to win, because if they get injured, they could easily die.
00:09:22.380 So, we look for that good feeling of serotonin, but we're not designed to have it all the time.
00:09:29.640 We're designed to save it for just the right situations.
00:09:34.180 All right.
00:09:34.280 So, we've talked about the happy chemicals that all mammals feel.
00:09:37.700 Let's talk about the unhappy ones.
00:09:39.360 What's the unhappy chemical?
00:09:40.400 So, I focus on cortisol, which is, as many people have heard, called the stress chemical.
00:09:47.760 In the animal world, it's that emergency alarm system that tells you that there's an immediate
00:09:54.440 survival threat.
00:09:56.120 And it feels so bad that you can't focus on anything other than making it stop.
00:10:01.560 So, the simple example that we always hear about is if you're enjoying the delicious green
00:10:07.340 grass and then you smell a predator, cortisol motivates a gazelle to run from the predator,
00:10:14.480 even though it would rather keep eating.
00:10:16.540 But then, if you did nothing but run from predators all the time, then you'd starve to
00:10:20.960 death.
00:10:21.260 So, the mammal brain evolved to weigh one threat against another.
00:10:26.000 So, at some point, you're so hungry that you run a little more risk to go out and do what
00:10:32.520 it takes to keep your genes alive.
00:10:34.260 So, that's an example of, okay, a very obvious example that where animals are going to feel
00:10:39.900 stressed when a predator is going after it.
00:10:41.740 But in your book, you talk about that sometimes being denied certain happy chemicals, right,
00:10:48.360 either oxytocin or serotonin, so you're denied social trust or status, that can also cause
00:10:54.180 cortisol to spike and for us to feel stressed out and anxious.
00:10:56.800 Yeah, so, this is a subtle thing.
00:10:59.940 So, first, I would never say that we're denied it because that's like blaming the external
00:11:06.520 world.
00:11:07.920 And to me, that is just a constant self-stressor that I think we're better off without.
00:11:14.980 So, I think we're better off to have the empowered feeling that I wanted a happy chemical
00:11:21.660 and I didn't get it.
00:11:23.660 So, now I have to try again to get it.
00:11:26.700 So, what is this we call disappointment.
00:11:29.940 So, when you anticipate a reward and you don't get it, cortisol is released because that's
00:11:36.720 how the mammal brain protects you from wasting your effort on a failed pursuit.
00:11:42.000 So, you could think about a lion is making careful decisions about which gazelle to run after.
00:11:49.140 Otherwise, it would starve to death if it just ran after stuff.
00:11:53.440 So, disappointment is one big source of threatened feelings.
00:11:58.920 But another is like whenever our happy chemicals are on and then they're gone in a few minutes
00:12:05.560 and then you have to do something to stimulate them.
00:12:08.580 But if you don't understand this and if you don't have a sense of personal agency, then
00:12:15.500 you think that something is wrong with the world and why did I get deprived of happy chemicals
00:12:21.500 and everyone else has them?
00:12:23.340 So, the important thing is that you know that you always have to do more to get more and if
00:12:31.160 one thing doesn't work that you can try something else.
00:12:34.020 But underneath that, we're aware of our own mortality.
00:12:39.960 We know that something will get us someday.
00:12:43.500 So, the more you fail to activate your happy chemicals, the more aware you are of that underlying
00:12:51.340 threat overhanging you.
00:12:54.620 Well, I think part of the problem with humans, so humans, unlike animals, yeah, we're aware
00:12:58.320 that we will die.
00:12:59.280 So, we've got to deal with that existential angst.
00:13:02.580 And also, the other problem with being human is we're oftentimes too smart for our own good.
00:13:08.440 So, that cortex part of our brain, our verbal part, we can take those disappointments that
00:13:14.180 we experience and use our cortex to make them worse than they actually are.
00:13:19.140 That's like where worry comes from.
00:13:20.620 It's like, well, you know, I didn't get the job and because I didn't get the job, I'm going
00:13:24.180 to be homeless.
00:13:25.140 Listen, because I'm homeless, like, we can do that with our brain.
00:13:27.960 Like, a rabbit wouldn't do that, but us humans can do that.
00:13:32.720 Yes, exactly.
00:13:33.880 Very good.
00:13:34.960 So, there's a couple of things about this.
00:13:38.240 So, the human cortex can anticipate the future.
00:13:42.040 And that has actually protected us from a lot of harm.
00:13:46.520 And that's why we have higher survival rates than animals.
00:13:50.320 But because we're constantly anticipating harm, then we can give ourselves a lot of cortisol.
00:13:58.500 And if you think about our ancestors many thousands of years ago, they lived with a lot
00:14:03.820 more threat than we do.
00:14:05.680 So, because we've eliminated so many threats, we just look further and further for threats.
00:14:11.260 And that's why tiny social disappointments can feel like survival threats because we have
00:14:17.060 this huge threat detector and nothing else to focus it on.
00:14:22.160 What are some other aspects?
00:14:23.580 I mean, this is something you've been reading about in the news that people, particularly
00:14:26.880 young people, are more, like, they're the most anxious generation.
00:14:30.980 They have a lot of an uptick in anxiety.
00:14:33.600 What's going on there?
00:14:34.800 I mean, this is just, I mean, you just mentioned that we kind of invent problems that aren't there.
00:14:40.020 But, like, why are we doing that more now?
00:14:43.120 So, there's so many reasons.
00:14:44.880 So, one of them is because, as I said, when you're actually safe, it's not until you're
00:14:50.240 safe from hunger that you could worry about all this minutia.
00:14:54.080 And, like, my mother actually grew up with hunger.
00:14:56.580 So, it's really quite recent that humans are safe from hunger.
00:14:59.940 So, that's the first thing.
00:15:01.200 So, the next thing is that you pick up on your parent's sense of threat.
00:15:05.460 But, so, in the past, like, not too long ago, parents had 10 kids, and it was not unusual
00:15:12.340 to lose a few.
00:15:14.700 You know, I don't know if you know the expression that kids are like pancakes.
00:15:18.800 You don't expect to, you know, you don't expect the first few to come out okay or something
00:15:24.600 like that.
00:15:25.980 So, today, people have fewer children, so they think everything must go perfectly, and children
00:15:33.140 pick up on their parent's sense of threat.
00:15:35.460 Then, children pick up on their teacher's sense of threat and the media's sense of threat.
00:15:41.300 And, to an extent, they are intentionally trying to alarm us, both because of their political
00:15:48.760 persuasions and to get support, to recruit social support, because that's how mammals build
00:15:56.300 social solidarity, by focusing on common enemies.
00:16:00.520 And I imagine, for that status disappointment, social media doesn't help.
00:16:04.460 Yes, it's true, and yet everyone has focused on this, and the same patterns existed before
00:16:13.800 social media.
00:16:14.820 So, every generation uses whatever is the latest technology to explain their anxiety with their
00:16:24.260 verbal brain.
00:16:24.980 So, when trains were first invented, people thought they were stressed because trains speeded
00:16:33.760 up life.
00:16:34.760 So, this was like in the early 1800s.
00:16:37.940 And then, when the telegraph made it possible for news to travel thousands of miles overnight,
00:16:45.660 they thought, oh, now we're so stressed because news is traveling so fast.
00:16:50.140 Yeah, so yeah, the more things change, the more they stay the same.
00:16:55.880 All right, so, okay, we've got an understanding of how our mammal brain works, how we have these
00:17:00.120 needs.
00:17:00.980 And if we don't have those needs, we have a disappointment, then cortisol is released,
00:17:05.620 and that can cause us to feel anxious and stressed out.
00:17:08.260 So, you offer sort of a solution, an idea, some tools you can use to manage that.
00:17:14.180 And the first part of this tool is asking, what does my mammal brain want?
00:17:19.060 So, how do you figure out what your mammal brain wants, whether you need social trust,
00:17:24.620 serotonin, you need safety?
00:17:26.880 Like, how do you figure that out?
00:17:28.580 Sure.
00:17:29.200 So, we really want all of them.
00:17:31.900 So, dopamine, you could call it excitement.
00:17:33.920 It's the expectation of a reward.
00:17:37.000 And when you have something going on, and you're expecting, oh, this is really going to be good,
00:17:44.700 then that feels great.
00:17:48.440 It gives you the sense that your needs will be met.
00:17:51.280 The minute you don't have that, even if it's because you achieved your goal,
00:17:55.260 then you lose that good feeling of dopamine, that good sense of excitement,
00:17:59.460 even though you're perfectly fine.
00:18:01.280 So, that's why people look for excitement and look to the future and sometimes do harmful
00:18:08.120 things for excitement.
00:18:09.980 Now, oxytocin is the sense of acceptance and belonging, and we all look for that.
00:18:17.140 But it's interesting that it's soon metabolized and it's gone.
00:18:21.780 So, the simple example is when you're with a group and you have a nice sense of solidarity
00:18:27.060 and safety, and then maybe after a while you're with this group and they get on your nerves
00:18:32.980 and you wish you could just go home and be alone.
00:18:36.220 But then when you're home and alone, then your inner mammal starts saying,
00:18:40.500 wow, I'm alone.
00:18:42.440 I could get eaten.
00:18:43.460 You know, of course, you don't think that works.
00:18:45.360 So, that's why, you know, we have ups and downs in all of these.
00:18:49.000 But big one is status.
00:18:50.880 So, when you're in the one-up position for a moment, you get that nice feeling.
00:18:58.260 We could call it pride, confidence, ego, winner.
00:19:02.100 I have in my books like a list of 30 different synonyms because we think about it so much.
00:19:07.980 And yet, we're told that we shouldn't care about it.
00:19:10.180 And we learn to pretend that we don't care about it and say, oh, I don't care about that.
00:19:15.040 And yet, we seek it.
00:19:17.580 When we get it, it's gone in a few minutes because that's how it's designed to work.
00:19:23.100 And that's why we look for status again.
00:19:25.820 So, we're all looking for all of them all the time.
00:19:29.240 But there's two things.
00:19:31.220 So, some of them we feel like, oh, I'm good at that one.
00:19:36.180 And so, we tend to go for the one we're good at,
00:19:39.260 but we could possibly benefit more by going for the one that we're not as good at.
00:19:45.720 And when you're trying to figure this stuff out, how to scratch those itches,
00:19:49.120 as you said, with all these things, you could pick up, you can do things that are unhealthy.
00:19:53.360 So, like dopamine, you could pick up, take up gambling or drugs.
00:19:57.660 Oxytocin, you can get involved in relationships that aren't healthy.
00:20:00.420 Serotonin, there's lots of, I mean, YouTube's a perfect example.
00:20:03.940 You could do a lot of terrible things to get social status.
00:20:06.780 So, how do you ensure you pick things to scratch those needs that are healthy in the long run?
00:20:12.680 Yeah, I say that you could think of 10 examples in 10 seconds of bad ways to get happy chemicals.
00:20:21.760 So, what's so helpful is to understand that we're wired by past experience.
00:20:27.780 So, whatever triggered your dopamine when you were young is the way you expect to get it today.
00:20:34.060 Whatever triggered your serotonin when you were young is the way you expect to get it today.
00:20:38.520 So, we all, of course, get a little more sophisticated than the worst things we did when we were young,
00:20:45.120 but we sort of are playing in the same ballpark.
00:20:49.160 And, excuse me, it's hard to see this in yourself,
00:20:53.100 but when you talk to other people about it, it's sort of mind-blowing.
00:20:57.360 Like, if you have a friend and you think,
00:20:59.620 geez, they seem stuck in this thought loop,
00:21:02.540 and you find out about their early years,
00:21:05.040 and you think, wow, it's mind-blowing how they're just repeating their childhood.
00:21:09.820 And I find myself doing it, and I see my husband doing it.
00:21:13.300 So, it takes a certain degree of self-acceptance to say, you know,
00:21:17.260 we really are wired by past experience,
00:21:20.360 and that's why we can strive to add more leaves to our neural trees,
00:21:28.100 but we shouldn't hate the branches on our own trees,
00:21:32.940 because then we're hating ourselves.
00:21:35.740 We're going to take a quick break for your word from our sponsors.
00:21:38.340 And now back to the show.
00:21:40.040 So, and then another issue with these things,
00:21:43.680 as you said, all these neurotransmitters,
00:21:45.620 they metabolize very quickly.
00:21:47.440 Like, you do something, and you feel good,
00:21:49.560 but then it goes away really fast,
00:21:52.080 and so you have to do something again.
00:21:54.140 So, how do you battle that?
00:21:55.940 It seems like it's like a, you're like constantly,
00:21:57.900 it's like a boat that's got a hole in it,
00:21:59.600 and you're just constantly pouring water out.
00:22:02.620 Yeah, it's often called the treadmill feeling.
00:22:05.280 Well, first, it's so helpful to know
00:22:07.940 that everyone else has the same experience.
00:22:10.520 I found that so liberating.
00:22:13.020 Now, as you know, there are many people
00:22:15.340 who try to direct your frustration into politics,
00:22:21.500 and you're taught to blame society for this treadmill feeling.
00:22:25.820 And when you do that, it's very disempowering,
00:22:28.300 because then you feel victimized and helpless,
00:22:31.180 and then you think the only thing you could do
00:22:33.260 is get angry at society and join with other people
00:22:36.840 to fight society, and that's why they're telling you that,
00:22:39.840 because they want you to join with them and fight with them.
00:22:42.260 But you have like more options when you understand the mechanism,
00:22:47.560 but your options are limited to the realm of reality.
00:22:53.220 So what I suggest, I talk about it as if you are binging on junk food,
00:23:02.340 then you learn to stock your pantry with healthy food
00:23:05.820 so it's ready in a bad moment.
00:23:09.600 So it's the same way, like if you feel that you're binging
00:23:13.980 on unhealthy ways to get happy chemicals,
00:23:17.840 that you plan in advance of healthy ways to stimulate them
00:23:24.280 and practice healthy alternatives
00:23:27.980 so that in a bad moment, you know positive ways to stimulate it.
00:23:33.280 Gotcha.
00:23:33.560 So instead of, like you'd say, if you're feeling that it's your board,
00:23:37.080 like have a list of things that you could go do
00:23:39.340 that don't involve, you know,
00:23:41.540 potentially dangerous or unhealthy activities.
00:23:44.820 Yes, and a great, this is a great example
00:23:48.320 because what is boredom?
00:23:50.820 It's very helpful to understand, you know,
00:23:53.360 what in Alcoholics Anonymous they would call like the trigger.
00:23:56.620 It's the moment that sends you to that old harmful stimulator.
00:24:01.500 So boredom is lack of dopamine.
00:24:05.280 Boredom means I wish I was expecting a reward,
00:24:09.460 but I'm not expecting a reward.
00:24:11.540 So I want some excitement.
00:24:12.920 So what would be a way to expect a reward?
00:24:17.540 So if you know that that's what you're doing,
00:24:21.520 then you're like, how can I give myself the expectation of reward
00:24:26.300 in ways other than the way that comes most easily to mind?
00:24:31.920 Because the way that comes most easily to mind
00:24:33.920 is just a big neural pathway that's big because it was used a lot.
00:24:39.220 It's not big because it's good for you.
00:24:41.200 So what are alternatives?
00:24:43.660 And I always explain that if you have a short-run goal,
00:24:48.240 a long-run goal, and a middle-term goal,
00:24:50.780 then you could always be approaching a goal.
00:24:53.580 And that's the healthy way to stimulate dopamine
00:24:56.300 because as your brain, you only need to get one step closer
00:24:59.940 for your brain to say, wow, it's coming, it's coming,
00:25:02.940 and that stimulates dopamine.
00:25:04.280 And if you have a few goals, then you can shift between them.
00:25:08.180 And so then you can always feel like you're getting ahead and making progress.
00:25:12.940 That's why planning for a vacation is often more fun than the actual vacation.
00:25:16.760 Yes, exactly.
00:25:18.420 And that's my addiction.
00:25:20.160 And in these times we have today,
00:25:25.820 so many of our favorite dopamine stimulators are off limits,
00:25:31.240 including the very idea of planning for anything, period.
00:25:35.620 You know?
00:25:36.500 Right.
00:25:36.880 So you have to use your creativity and scale down.
00:25:42.800 So instead of planning a week-long vacation,
00:25:46.520 you could plan your weekend.
00:25:47.660 Instead of just going to your weekend without any plans,
00:25:50.340 have just a short plan that you can look forward to.
00:25:53.000 I'm going to get to do this this weekend,
00:25:54.760 and that can scratch that dopamine edge.
00:25:57.720 Yes, exactly.
00:25:58.820 Exactly.
00:25:59.540 You have to plan a project for yourself.
00:26:01.740 And a lot of people are planning cooking projects
00:26:06.020 and learning a new skill that you've always wanted to learn.
00:26:10.420 And it's important to then break that big goal down into smaller steps
00:26:15.180 because otherwise it gets frustrating and you have to give up.
00:26:18.840 But if you break it into smaller steps,
00:26:20.680 then you can constantly be enjoying that rewarding feeling.
00:26:24.220 And with oxytocin, I think, again,
00:26:26.420 filling your pantry with good food
00:26:28.720 is just having to plan whenever you're feeling down.
00:26:30.820 I guess one way you could scratch that itch,
00:26:33.060 like just have a friend you could call and just talk to.
00:26:36.160 That could be something you could do to scratch that itch.
00:26:39.980 Yes, exactly.
00:26:41.480 But it is complicated.
00:26:43.140 I have to admit that when I talk to other people
00:26:46.900 and they're on a bummer,
00:26:48.700 I don't find it very uplifting.
00:26:52.760 So on some level,
00:26:55.060 the fact is that we're very much wired by past experience
00:26:59.220 and we have specific ideas about how we want to get our oxytocin needs met.
00:27:06.240 So it helps to understand our old patterns
00:27:08.800 and then make it a goal to expand those old patterns in a specific way.
00:27:15.760 All right.
00:27:15.920 So yeah, coming up with new strategies to get your oxytocin needs met
00:27:18.860 certainly applies to our current moment.
00:27:20.920 People can't see each other in person,
00:27:22.760 but you know people have had virtual book clubs,
00:27:25.560 virtual Bible studies.
00:27:26.860 I've even heard people having virtual cocktail hours.
00:27:29.620 So just look for ways to get social with a purpose beyond just grousing.
00:27:33.780 And then with serotonin,
00:27:34.920 how do you do that?
00:27:36.580 Say like you decided by my mammal,
00:27:38.220 but I'm just not feeling like I'm not feeling good about myself.
00:27:41.680 I'm not feeling proud or like that successful feeling.
00:27:44.660 What can you do there?
00:27:46.140 Again, sort of stocking your pantry with healthy things
00:27:49.140 that you can turn to whenever you need it.
00:27:52.480 Yeah, this is a big challenge.
00:27:54.860 So it's first, like I said with all the others,
00:27:57.480 it's so helpful to know that it's natural
00:27:59.860 and everyone else has the same experience.
00:28:02.640 So our brain evolved to constantly compare us to others.
00:28:07.880 So before a monkey reaches for a banana,
00:28:10.720 it compares itself to the monkeys around it.
00:28:14.060 And if it's smaller, cortisol is released
00:28:16.860 and that motivates it to pull back and avoid getting bitten.
00:28:21.700 And cortisol feels bad.
00:28:23.820 Missing out on the banana feels bad,
00:28:25.960 but it's better than getting hurt.
00:28:28.140 So then the monkey looks around for,
00:28:30.620 when am I in the one-up position?
00:28:32.980 So it's just very helpful to know
00:28:35.280 that our brain is sort of overreacting
00:28:39.640 to these very tiny differences.
00:28:43.100 So when you have enough food,
00:28:46.340 enough bananas, and you're safe and warm,
00:28:49.420 then you long for that one-up position
00:28:52.140 because you have everything else.
00:28:54.940 And you can't be in the one-up position every minute.
00:28:57.980 Even big celebrities are not in the one-up position
00:29:02.540 every minute and they drive themselves nuts
00:29:05.160 over losing whatever status they have.
00:29:08.580 So finding small ways to enjoy status is useful.
00:29:14.780 And of course, people can do that in small, nasty ways.
00:29:19.620 So finding small, nice ways to do that
00:29:22.080 is even more challenging.
00:29:24.080 And so when you have plenty of free time,
00:29:26.460 what better?
00:29:28.540 It's a good time to say,
00:29:31.580 how can I find a one-up feeling in healthy ways,
00:29:36.540 in small steps?
00:29:38.660 What's one way that you've seen people use?
00:29:41.800 So as you know,
00:29:43.620 the most common way is to help others.
00:29:47.720 And this is good, this is healthy,
00:29:50.000 but I do want to constrain it a little bit
00:29:53.720 since this has become like
00:29:56.600 the only publicly acceptable solution.
00:30:00.240 And as a result,
00:30:01.760 it has led to this sort of current share paradigm
00:30:06.060 that selflessness is all good
00:30:09.480 and self is all bad.
00:30:11.700 And I think that's taking it too far
00:30:14.220 and it's harmful.
00:30:15.640 So what I always suggest is
00:30:17.900 taking pride in your own skills
00:30:20.980 and your own actions is good.
00:30:23.340 So instead of just being grateful
00:30:25.520 for things that fell in your lap by accident,
00:30:28.500 you can be grateful for things that you did.
00:30:31.140 So a simple small example
00:30:33.780 would be to create something
00:30:37.520 that you're proud of in small steps
00:30:40.400 and then tell other people about it.
00:30:42.900 And I know this is what social media is notorious for,
00:30:46.140 but it actually has a healthy function.
00:30:48.940 So instead of hating other people
00:30:51.780 for their creations,
00:30:53.320 you can take pride in your own creation
00:30:56.360 and then share it.
00:30:58.800 But you know what?
00:31:00.080 If you get 10 likes or 20 likes,
00:31:03.020 what happens is
00:31:04.180 your brain then takes that as the baseline.
00:31:07.180 And then the next time,
00:31:08.320 if you get less than 10 likes,
00:31:10.160 then you feel like it's a failure.
00:31:12.040 So it's building the habit
00:31:13.720 of taking pride in your creations
00:31:15.900 and sharing them,
00:31:17.300 but without obsessing
00:31:19.580 over the short run reaction that you get.
00:31:23.200 It sounds like too,
00:31:23.620 one thing we can all do
00:31:24.540 to help each other out
00:31:25.440 is when someone does share something,
00:31:27.780 like give them the thumbs up,
00:31:29.000 like, because that feels good,
00:31:30.180 kind of scratch their back.
00:31:31.780 Yes, exactly.
00:31:32.860 And that's oxytocin
00:31:34.320 and that's great
00:31:35.300 and it's healthy.
00:31:36.080 But again,
00:31:37.580 when this is the only healthy behavior,
00:31:40.360 then what happens is
00:31:41.320 people think,
00:31:43.000 if I spend my whole life
00:31:44.460 scratching other people's backs,
00:31:46.540 then they will scratch my back.
00:31:48.520 But then if other people
00:31:49.720 don't scratch your back
00:31:51.180 to the extent that you expect,
00:31:53.620 then people get bitter
00:31:55.120 and hostile and disappointed.
00:31:57.380 So it's important
00:31:58.300 to be aware of that thought loop
00:32:01.000 and to have other tools
00:32:02.680 in your toolkit.
00:32:04.060 And as we've been talking about
00:32:05.200 these different mammalian
00:32:06.860 happy chemicals,
00:32:08.340 it seems like, you know,
00:32:09.140 philosophy and religion,
00:32:11.240 like a lot of those
00:32:12.060 are designed to help us
00:32:13.460 sort of, I guess,
00:32:15.120 manage these emotions,
00:32:17.160 whether it's status, emotions,
00:32:18.960 social trust, dopamine,
00:32:20.340 like they're there.
00:32:21.780 There's sort of like
00:32:22.260 our human cortex
00:32:24.020 has applied that there
00:32:25.120 to help us manage it better
00:32:26.340 and think about it
00:32:27.060 in healthy ways.
00:32:28.760 Exactly, precisely.
00:32:30.200 And the interesting thing
00:32:31.340 is that in most of human history,
00:32:33.460 you didn't have a chance
00:32:35.020 to choose your philosophy
00:32:36.660 or religion.
00:32:37.900 So you just absorbed it
00:32:40.580 from the social cues around you.
00:32:43.240 And today,
00:32:44.000 you have that choice.
00:32:45.940 But some people use
00:32:48.220 that choice badly
00:32:49.300 in the sense that
00:32:50.440 when you're young,
00:32:53.300 it's easy to reject
00:32:55.020 the character-building
00:32:58.780 thought habits
00:32:59.880 of the adults around you.
00:33:02.100 And then your mind
00:33:05.480 gets built about rejecting
00:33:07.280 and opposing and critiquing.
00:33:09.600 And that becomes
00:33:10.880 your one-up strategy.
00:33:12.740 And then that becomes
00:33:14.780 your religion.
00:33:15.400 And you're sort of
00:33:16.520 as stuck in that
00:33:18.260 as the stuckness
00:33:20.040 of the adults
00:33:20.700 you grew up with.
00:33:22.720 So we've been talking
00:33:23.260 about how to manage anxiety
00:33:24.820 like in the long run
00:33:25.940 so we can come up
00:33:27.160 with activities
00:33:27.680 that we know
00:33:28.240 will fulfill those needs
00:33:29.600 that our mammal brain wants.
00:33:30.720 But like,
00:33:31.120 what do you do
00:33:31.700 whenever you're experiencing
00:33:32.640 just a cortisol spike?
00:33:34.160 You're stressed out.
00:33:34.880 You're feeling anxious.
00:33:35.800 How can you manage cortisol
00:33:37.620 in a healthy way
00:33:38.900 so you can move on
00:33:40.560 with your life
00:33:41.020 and get going?
00:33:42.140 So here's the thing.
00:33:43.300 Cortisol has a half-life
00:33:45.000 of 20 minutes
00:33:46.020 which means
00:33:47.140 once you have
00:33:48.640 this surge of bad feeling
00:33:50.160 for a reason
00:33:51.040 that we often
00:33:51.740 even don't know
00:33:52.440 like,
00:33:52.900 I don't even know
00:33:53.600 why that happened.
00:33:55.280 Why did I get so upset
00:33:56.420 about that?
00:33:56.980 Because my verbal brain
00:33:58.400 is saying,
00:33:58.920 no big deal.
00:34:00.120 So once that happens,
00:34:02.600 half of that
00:34:03.920 bad feeling chemical
00:34:05.240 will be gone
00:34:06.100 in 20 minutes
00:34:07.180 as long as I don't
00:34:09.080 trigger more.
00:34:10.020 But normally
00:34:11.660 you do trigger more
00:34:13.200 because cortisol
00:34:14.420 tells your higher faculties,
00:34:17.720 your cortex,
00:34:18.800 to look for evidence
00:34:20.000 of threat.
00:34:20.700 Like when a gazelle
00:34:21.480 smells a predator,
00:34:22.860 then it looks for
00:34:23.860 where is the predator
00:34:25.040 so it knows
00:34:25.820 where to run.
00:34:27.020 So if you are looking
00:34:28.320 for evidence of threat,
00:34:30.520 you're going to find it
00:34:31.620 and that's going to trigger
00:34:32.840 more cortisol
00:34:33.780 and then you're going to
00:34:35.140 find more evidence
00:34:36.140 and you're in a bad loop.
00:34:37.720 So a simple way
00:34:38.500 of saying that is
00:34:39.460 once your bad feeling
00:34:41.220 goes on,
00:34:42.580 almost anything
00:34:43.600 you try to do
00:34:45.020 after that
00:34:46.180 feels bad
00:34:48.220 and so
00:34:49.540 then you get
00:34:51.660 into a spiral.
00:34:53.020 So in that
00:34:53.860 20 minutes
00:34:54.940 or 40 minutes,
00:34:56.320 if you
00:34:56.940 wait 40 minutes,
00:34:58.620 then you can get rid
00:34:59.340 of 75%
00:35:00.540 of the bad feeling.
00:35:02.280 So in that time,
00:35:04.240 do something
00:35:05.020 you like
00:35:05.920 because that
00:35:07.740 will help
00:35:08.160 to protect you
00:35:09.080 from stimulating
00:35:09.980 more cortisol.
00:35:11.480 And when I say
00:35:12.100 do something
00:35:12.620 you like,
00:35:13.660 you know,
00:35:13.960 a lot of people
00:35:14.480 think,
00:35:14.940 oh,
00:35:15.180 well,
00:35:15.320 the way to feel
00:35:16.640 good is eat
00:35:17.680 vegetables
00:35:18.200 and exercise.
00:35:19.580 But don't do it
00:35:21.060 when you're feeling
00:35:21.820 bad because
00:35:22.760 that's just going
00:35:24.200 to give you
00:35:25.020 that,
00:35:25.320 oh,
00:35:25.500 I'm not exercising
00:35:27.080 good enough
00:35:27.960 and my diet
00:35:29.240 isn't good enough.
00:35:30.380 So you need
00:35:31.020 to give yourself
00:35:31.760 some positive
00:35:32.840 reward time.
00:35:33.660 However,
00:35:34.920 if you're a person
00:35:35.660 who goes
00:35:36.420 in the other
00:35:37.000 direction,
00:35:37.740 like you start
00:35:38.380 doing something
00:35:39.100 fun for 20 minutes
00:35:40.460 and then you
00:35:40.880 can't stop,
00:35:42.200 then you need
00:35:43.000 to set a timer
00:35:44.040 and say,
00:35:45.260 I'm going to
00:35:45.780 engage in
00:35:46.380 healthy rewards
00:35:47.320 for 20 to 40 minutes
00:35:48.720 and then I'm
00:35:49.920 going to go
00:35:50.300 back to
00:35:51.620 facing up
00:35:53.460 to whatever
00:35:54.680 it was
00:35:55.300 that triggered me.
00:35:56.880 And that's
00:35:57.700 what a gazelle
00:35:58.800 is saying.
00:36:00.060 Where is the lion?
00:36:01.680 Where is the
00:36:02.400 escape path?
00:36:03.660 And then
00:36:04.120 focusing only
00:36:05.480 on the escape
00:36:06.360 path.
00:36:07.420 So it's
00:36:07.880 focusing on
00:36:08.820 the solution,
00:36:09.840 on the steps
00:36:10.440 in front of
00:36:11.100 you rather
00:36:11.940 than the
00:36:12.440 threat,
00:36:13.000 which is
00:36:13.660 ultimately
00:36:14.160 what makes
00:36:14.840 us feel
00:36:15.280 good.
00:36:16.680 All right,
00:36:16.780 so in examples
00:36:17.380 of activities
00:36:18.740 you can do
00:36:19.180 to distract
00:36:19.720 yourself when
00:36:20.140 you're having
00:36:20.360 that cortisol
00:36:20.820 spike could
00:36:21.560 be take a
00:36:22.240 walk.
00:36:22.760 I mean,
00:36:22.900 I know it's
00:36:23.180 exercise,
00:36:23.620 but just go
00:36:23.940 outside,
00:36:24.580 be outside
00:36:25.000 for a little
00:36:25.300 bit.
00:36:25.520 I mean,
00:36:25.660 you can
00:36:25.860 meditate.
00:36:26.520 I mean,
00:36:26.680 what are some
00:36:26.980 other things
00:36:27.440 that are
00:36:28.240 healthy?
00:36:29.500 So a famous
00:36:30.460 example is
00:36:31.300 playing the
00:36:31.880 guitar.
00:36:32.380 So whether
00:36:34.520 you're playing
00:36:35.320 guitar or
00:36:36.400 taking a
00:36:37.500 walk in
00:36:37.920 the park,
00:36:39.080 so there's
00:36:39.620 two different
00:36:40.160 ways to do
00:36:40.960 it.
00:36:41.520 So one is
00:36:42.480 that your
00:36:42.840 body is on
00:36:43.760 automatic and
00:36:44.920 your brain is
00:36:45.720 brooding and
00:36:46.540 dwelling on the
00:36:47.300 negative.
00:36:47.700 and another
00:36:50.560 is that if
00:36:52.360 you are playing
00:36:53.920 the guitar and
00:36:54.680 singing or if
00:36:56.100 you're walking
00:36:56.640 in the park and
00:36:57.440 listening to an
00:36:58.220 audio book,
00:36:59.160 your brain is
00:37:00.460 so busy that
00:37:02.160 you cannot
00:37:02.820 think about
00:37:03.960 whatever it is
00:37:04.880 that bothers
00:37:05.520 you.
00:37:06.300 And that's
00:37:07.000 what allows
00:37:07.720 the electricity
00:37:08.640 in your brain
00:37:09.620 that was in
00:37:10.640 those negative
00:37:11.360 circuits to
00:37:12.960 just for those
00:37:14.040 negative circuits
00:37:14.980 to relax,
00:37:15.780 for the
00:37:16.580 cortisol to
00:37:17.500 be excreted,
00:37:18.640 and that
00:37:19.720 sort of
00:37:20.300 clears the
00:37:21.140 slate,
00:37:21.940 clears the
00:37:22.580 decks,
00:37:23.120 so that it's
00:37:24.080 possible to
00:37:24.960 have a positive
00:37:25.820 thought.
00:37:26.680 So I'm not
00:37:27.420 saying you
00:37:27.940 should learn
00:37:28.780 to play the
00:37:29.500 guitar,
00:37:30.440 I'm saying
00:37:31.200 you should
00:37:32.160 find something
00:37:33.320 that busies
00:37:35.040 both your
00:37:35.920 mind and
00:37:37.140 your hands
00:37:37.900 and feet
00:37:38.600 and body
00:37:39.640 so that you
00:37:41.140 clear the
00:37:41.960 decks,
00:37:43.040 wipe the
00:37:43.440 slate.
00:37:43.740 Right,
00:37:44.260 so it
00:37:44.360 could be
00:37:44.560 art,
00:37:45.500 knitting,
00:37:46.140 I don't
00:37:46.320 know.
00:37:47.080 Yes.
00:37:48.820 Or trip
00:37:50.400 advisor.
00:37:51.280 Or trip
00:37:51.620 advisor,
00:37:51.980 start planning,
00:37:52.580 yeah,
00:37:52.720 you can plan,
00:37:53.220 I'm going to
00:37:53.460 use that
00:37:53.740 time to
00:37:54.180 plan my
00:37:54.660 weekend out.
00:37:55.160 That's mine.
00:37:55.880 That's what
00:37:56.380 you do.
00:37:57.340 You know
00:37:57.580 what the
00:37:57.780 big cortisol
00:37:58.360 cleanser for
00:37:58.920 me is,
00:37:59.280 typically I've
00:38:00.160 noticed I get
00:38:00.740 really down at
00:38:01.500 nighttime and I
00:38:02.180 get really in a
00:38:03.020 funk and I
00:38:03.840 start doing the
00:38:04.520 brooding and
00:38:05.200 ruminating and
00:38:06.920 thinking worst
00:38:07.540 case scenarios and
00:38:08.400 that's when I
00:38:08.740 have to stop
00:38:09.000 myself, I
00:38:09.360 just need to
00:38:09.640 go to sleep,
00:38:10.260 just go to bed
00:38:10.980 and you wake
00:38:11.780 up in the
00:38:12.020 morning,
00:38:12.260 you feel
00:38:12.520 great,
00:38:13.620 the world's
00:38:14.280 beautiful again,
00:38:14.800 everything's happy,
00:38:16.140 I'm probably just
00:38:16.880 letting that
00:38:17.440 cortisol just get
00:38:18.760 out of my
00:38:19.120 system by going
00:38:19.880 to sleep.
00:38:21.220 Yes, and if
00:38:22.660 you can sleep
00:38:23.420 while that's
00:38:23.940 happening,
00:38:24.460 that's a
00:38:25.080 fabulous skill
00:38:26.000 that you should
00:38:26.680 really pat
00:38:27.580 yourself on the
00:38:28.240 back for.
00:38:29.620 So then you
00:38:30.380 say, well,
00:38:31.020 why, if I'm
00:38:32.600 exhausted, would
00:38:33.840 I stay awake?
00:38:35.380 So part of it is
00:38:36.520 that constant
00:38:37.280 feeling of I
00:38:38.560 haven't done
00:38:39.040 enough, I
00:38:39.480 haven't done
00:38:39.960 enough, I
00:38:40.360 haven't done
00:38:40.760 enough.
00:38:41.080 But another
00:38:42.140 reason is if
00:38:43.020 you've ever been
00:38:43.620 around toddlers
00:38:44.660 two or three
00:38:45.360 years old, and
00:38:46.740 sometimes they
00:38:47.920 have to cry
00:38:48.880 themselves to
00:38:49.740 sleep because
00:38:51.000 self-soothing is
00:38:52.200 a complex skill.
00:38:53.320 And when you
00:38:53.620 resist, also you
00:38:54.680 see teenagers
00:38:55.760 resisting sleep,
00:38:57.400 it's because
00:38:58.300 during the
00:39:00.020 essence of sleep
00:39:01.180 is that you
00:39:01.580 have to let
00:39:02.300 down your
00:39:02.840 guard.
00:39:03.780 And your
00:39:04.060 inner mammal
00:39:04.720 is saying, I
00:39:05.880 can't let down
00:39:06.480 my guard or I'll
00:39:07.200 get eaten, I
00:39:07.820 can't let down
00:39:08.380 my guard.
00:39:08.720 So that's
00:39:09.680 why it's a
00:39:10.220 sophisticated skill
00:39:11.420 that we need
00:39:12.440 to cultivate.
00:39:13.980 And one way
00:39:14.600 that I cultivate
00:39:15.340 it is by
00:39:16.140 taking pleasure
00:39:18.080 in facing
00:39:19.540 difficult challenges
00:39:20.740 each morning.
00:39:22.100 So if I'm at
00:39:23.300 the middle of
00:39:24.500 my work day and
00:39:25.660 something really
00:39:26.640 difficult comes
00:39:28.240 up, that I
00:39:29.280 say, I'm going
00:39:30.120 to do that first
00:39:30.960 thing in the
00:39:31.360 morning.
00:39:31.740 So every
00:39:32.300 morning, I
00:39:33.400 tackle a
00:39:34.220 difficult challenge
00:39:35.220 so that I
00:39:35.740 don't worry
00:39:38.380 about these
00:39:39.020 things overnight.
00:39:40.060 And if I
00:39:40.440 have five
00:39:41.540 difficult challenges,
00:39:42.520 I know that
00:39:43.360 five days from
00:39:44.420 now, it'll be
00:39:45.920 done.
00:39:47.180 So we've
00:39:47.400 been talking
00:39:48.120 about ways to
00:39:49.120 manage your
00:39:49.680 own anxiety.
00:39:51.660 What do you
00:39:52.080 do when someone
00:39:53.260 around you is
00:39:54.560 just wound up
00:39:57.000 tight?
00:39:57.640 So I think the
00:39:57.960 typical way we
00:39:59.280 approach that is
00:40:00.140 we verbalize,
00:40:01.340 like, hey, it's
00:40:01.700 not that bad.
00:40:02.860 Hey, don't feel
00:40:03.440 so bad.
00:40:03.900 Everything's fine.
00:40:04.680 But that
00:40:05.400 typically doesn't
00:40:06.180 work.
00:40:06.440 Oftentimes, it
00:40:06.940 makes people
00:40:07.380 angrier or
00:40:07.980 more anxious.
00:40:09.500 Yes, this is a
00:40:10.720 very difficult
00:40:11.680 dilemma.
00:40:13.240 And again, we're
00:40:14.220 wired by our
00:40:14.920 past experience.
00:40:16.820 Some people
00:40:17.800 want to hear
00:40:19.580 that and
00:40:20.560 others don't.
00:40:22.620 But what if
00:40:23.520 you say, you
00:40:25.420 know, what if a
00:40:25.980 person wants to
00:40:27.040 hear, yeah, it's
00:40:28.500 awful, you know,
00:40:30.200 but they don't
00:40:31.360 necessarily benefit
00:40:32.560 from that either.
00:40:33.440 Like, people
00:40:34.820 love to hear, oh,
00:40:36.040 it's not your
00:40:36.700 fault, they're a
00:40:37.580 jerk.
00:40:38.680 But, you know, you
00:40:40.000 don't really benefit
00:40:41.520 from that.
00:40:42.720 So what people
00:40:44.400 want is somebody
00:40:45.920 that understands.
00:40:48.900 And other people
00:40:50.780 don't necessarily
00:40:52.420 understand, you
00:40:53.640 know, this whole
00:40:54.200 cliche now, well,
00:40:55.460 you haven't been in
00:40:56.340 my shoes, so you
00:40:57.180 can't understand.
00:40:58.380 But then if you go
00:40:59.220 around hating everyone
00:41:00.280 who doesn't understand,
00:41:01.220 and then you just
00:41:01.840 fill yourself with
00:41:02.600 a lot of hate.
00:41:03.960 So what I really
00:41:05.420 try to understand
00:41:06.400 is that we're
00:41:08.240 all born in a
00:41:09.940 state of distress
00:41:11.060 because when
00:41:13.040 you're born, you're
00:41:13.860 hungry, but you
00:41:14.740 can't feed
00:41:15.960 yourself.
00:41:17.200 So you scream,
00:41:19.120 and screaming
00:41:19.840 brings help, but
00:41:21.360 you can't really
00:41:22.040 control the help.
00:41:23.500 So we're all born
00:41:24.480 in a state of
00:41:25.340 total vulnerability,
00:41:27.060 and this is the
00:41:28.160 foundation of your
00:41:29.320 brain.
00:41:29.640 It's like the
00:41:30.180 first circuit
00:41:31.000 that you build.
00:41:32.520 So that's why
00:41:34.480 that threatened
00:41:35.120 feeling comes so
00:41:36.160 easily.
00:41:37.360 And what people
00:41:38.960 need is awareness
00:41:41.040 of their resources,
00:41:43.020 awareness of their
00:41:43.940 skills, that even
00:41:46.100 though they feel
00:41:47.800 in this moment
00:41:48.600 like they can't
00:41:49.500 meet their needs,
00:41:51.020 that they actually
00:41:52.060 have skills, and
00:41:53.140 they have met
00:41:53.800 their needs in the
00:41:54.520 past.
00:41:55.300 So if you could
00:41:56.220 help a person
00:41:57.180 recognize the
00:41:59.480 strength that
00:42:00.060 they have, the
00:42:00.820 skills that they
00:42:01.500 have, and often
00:42:03.140 words won't do
00:42:04.660 it, but it's
00:42:05.360 actions.
00:42:06.460 So any tiny
00:42:08.000 step that you
00:42:09.840 can get a person
00:42:10.640 to take, then
00:42:12.500 they will start
00:42:13.440 feeling positive,
00:42:15.540 and then in a
00:42:16.260 way you sort of
00:42:17.300 forget.
00:42:18.420 It's like you
00:42:18.860 forget the lion
00:42:19.940 because you're
00:42:20.940 focused on the
00:42:22.240 escape path.
00:42:24.020 Right, so maybe
00:42:24.580 you have someone
00:42:25.160 just go do
00:42:26.480 something with
00:42:27.000 them instead of
00:42:27.580 sitting there
00:42:28.240 trying to talk
00:42:28.860 to them and
00:42:29.360 reason with
00:42:30.640 them.
00:42:30.900 That makes
00:42:31.200 sense.
00:42:31.560 Exactly.
00:42:32.460 Well, Loretta,
00:42:33.000 this has been a
00:42:33.380 great conversation.
00:42:34.120 Where can people
00:42:34.540 go to learn more
00:42:35.200 about the book
00:42:35.800 and your work?
00:42:36.840 Thank you.
00:42:37.740 Inner Mammal
00:42:38.360 Institute is my
00:42:40.100 website with lots
00:42:41.360 of information.
00:42:43.380 InnerMammalInstitute.org
00:42:44.680 And I have lots
00:42:46.640 of books and
00:42:47.500 resources for
00:42:48.540 people who don't
00:42:49.280 like to read,
00:42:50.480 and I have funny
00:42:51.520 videos for young
00:42:52.740 people and people
00:42:53.680 of all ages,
00:42:55.180 and lots of
00:42:56.520 infographics and
00:42:57.500 podcasts and
00:42:58.280 everything else.
00:42:59.280 Fantastic.
00:42:59.680 Well, Loretta
00:43:00.040 Bruning, thanks
00:43:00.520 for your time.
00:43:00.980 It's been a
00:43:01.280 pleasure.
00:43:02.460 Sure.
00:43:02.940 Thank you so
00:43:03.480 much.
00:43:04.880 My guest today
00:43:05.360 was Loretta
00:43:05.760 Bruning.
00:43:06.140 She's the author
00:43:06.700 of several books,
00:43:07.580 including her
00:43:08.060 latest, Tame Your
00:43:09.100 Anxiety, Rewiring
00:43:10.120 Your Brain for
00:43:10.760 Happiness.
00:43:11.420 It's available
00:43:11.720 on Amazon.com.
00:43:12.800 Also, check out
00:43:13.380 our show notes
00:43:13.800 at aom.is
00:43:14.860 slash happy
00:43:15.480 chemicals.
00:43:16.060 We can find
00:43:16.340 links to
00:43:16.640 resources.
00:43:17.240 We can delve
00:43:17.500 deeper into
00:43:18.060 this topic.
00:43:25.720 Well, that
00:43:26.360 wraps up
00:43:26.780 another edition
00:43:27.440 of the
00:43:27.720 AOM Podcast.
00:43:28.640 Check out
00:43:28.940 our website
00:43:29.280 at
00:43:29.440 artofmanliness.com
00:43:30.480 for our
00:43:30.860 podcast archives
00:43:31.860 as well as
00:43:32.200 thousands of
00:43:32.620 articles we've
00:43:33.200 written over
00:43:33.500 the years about
00:43:33.920 pretty much
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00:43:34.860 can think of.
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00:43:59.900 As always,
00:44:00.480 thank you for
00:44:00.820 the continued
00:44:01.200 support.
00:44:01.740 Until next
00:44:02.080 time,
00:44:02.280 this is Brett
00:44:02.540 McKay.
00:44:03.140 Remind you not
00:44:03.700 only to listen to
00:44:04.120 the AOM Podcast,
00:44:04.960 but put what
00:44:05.600 you've heard
00:44:05.960 into action.
00:44:06.660 There you go.