The Art of Manliness - #606： How to Activate Your Brain's Happy Chemicals

00:00:00.000 Brett McKay here, and welcome to another edition of the Art of Manliness podcast.

00:00:11.300 Everyone has experienced the way our feelings fluctuate day by day, even hour by hour.

00:00:15.540 Sometimes we're feeling up, sometimes we're feeling down.

00:00:17.980 My guest today says these oscillations are a result of nature's operating system, and

00:00:22.100 you can learn to better manage these emotional peaks and valleys.

00:00:24.660 Her name is Loretta Bruning.

00:00:25.620 She's the author of several books on happiness in the human brain, including her latest,

00:00:29.440 Tame Your Anxiety, Rewiring Your Brain for Happiness.

00:00:32.580 We begin our conversation by discussing the similarities between human brains and the brains

00:00:36.120 of other mammals, and how our brains release happiness-producing chemicals like dopamine,

00:00:40.400 oxytocin, and serotonin to spur to seek rewards related to our survival needs.

00:00:44.760 We also talk about the unhappy chemical of cortisol, which is released in response to perceived

00:00:48.680 threats, and the factors that have increased our stress and anxiety in the modern world.

00:00:52.800 Loretta then explains that the boost we get whenever the brain's happy chemicals are activated 0.98

00:00:56.620 doesn't last, and how we need to plan and execute healthy options for proactively stimulating

00:01:00.800 these chemicals, including creating expectations for rewards and finding small, positive ways

00:01:05.260 of increasing our status.

00:01:06.620 We end our conversation with how to manage spikes of cortisol in yourself, as well as help

00:01:10.160 other people manage their emotional troughs.

00:01:12.020 After the show's over, check out our show notes at aom.is slash happychemicals.

00:01:15.680 Loretta joins you now via clearcast.io.

00:01:28.260 All right, Loretta Rooney, welcome to the show.

00:01:31.440 Hi, thanks for having me.

00:01:33.220 Let's talk about your background and career.

00:01:35.400 What began your career in researching and writing about how the brain works in relation

00:01:39.840 to stress and anxiety?

00:01:42.100 Thank you.

00:01:42.880 Well, as always, it's short-run things and long-run things.

00:01:47.000 You could say that I grew up in a household with a lot of anxiety and unhappiness, and the

00:01:54.560 reason for it was not obvious, and in fact, it was sometimes blamed on me.

00:02:00.860 But I fortunately had some awareness that I could not possibly be causing all of this.

00:02:07.200 So, I think I always had some interest in, you know, what is it that drives the emotional

00:02:14.760 responses that people have?

00:02:17.120 So, I spent most of my life in academia, but I was only peripherally involved in psychology.

00:02:25.120 I taught management.

00:02:26.520 And because I was only peripherally following psychology, I think it gave me the freedom

00:02:32.920 to sample different views rather than being forced to promote one particular paradigm in

00:02:40.220 psychology.

00:02:40.800 And then when I became a parent and I saw the fact that children are not happy all the time as much as you

00:02:50.620 idealize what circumstances you think they will have, and that pushed me to look deeper for the truth.

00:02:59.340 And the one way, the way you approach, the way you explore anxiety and stress and even status amongst

00:03:07.780 humans is you have to understand that the brain shares characteristics with other mammals.

00:03:14.180 So, let's start there because I think it will guide the rest of our conversation.

00:03:17.440 How does our mammal brain contribute to either our well-being or whether we feel stressed out and anxious?

00:03:23.580 So, first on a simple level, beneath our cortex, we have the same brain as other animals.

00:03:31.100 So, people have heard of these limbic structures like the amygdala, the hippocampus, and all those

00:03:36.300 little parts.

00:03:37.400 And it's really not important pointing to specific parts.

00:03:41.520 The point is that animals make complex decisions without any cortex at all.

00:03:47.300 And what that means is that when you tell yourself your reason for doing things,

00:03:53.060 that's just like a tiny percentage of what's going on.

00:03:57.040 So, much of what's going on is managed by chemicals.

00:04:01.080 That's how animals do it.

00:04:02.360 They don't have any verbal inner dialogue, but positive chemicals motivate them to approach

00:04:08.780 and negative chemicals motivate them to avoid.

00:04:12.520 And how do they know when to release the positive or negative?

00:04:16.620 It's with neural pathways created by whatever turned those chemicals on in their past.

00:04:22.720 So, that's, you could say, sort of a crapshoot in our lives.

00:04:27.400 It's just the random chance of early experience wires the lens through which we react to the

00:04:34.160 world.

00:04:35.100 Well, let's talk about these basic needs that you say our mammal brain has and that these

00:04:40.920 different chemicals, neurotransmitters, they're there to help us to go for those needs.

00:04:46.880 So, what are the needs of a mammal brain?

00:04:48.800 Sure.

00:04:50.200 So, animals try to survive by avoiding threat and seeking rewards.

00:04:58.000 So, the rewards are obviously food and warmth, whatever that specific animal needs.

00:05:05.300 But avoiding threats has to be pursued at the same time.

00:05:09.880 And we define threats and rewards with neural pathways built from past experience.

00:05:15.540 So, if you grow up in an environment where your needs are met and you're safe from threat,

00:05:23.860 then your brain sort of ranges out further and further looking for things that could threaten

00:05:33.740 you or could be rewarding.

00:05:35.860 All right.

00:05:36.660 So, that exploring, that need for exploration, which, you know, that could lead to a threat

00:05:43.200 or it could lead to reward, that's driven by dopamine, that neurotransmitter in our brain.

00:05:47.960 Yes, that's a really good point.

00:05:49.840 Exactly.

00:05:50.500 Dopamine is the great feeling of reward.

00:05:53.500 But every one of these happy chemicals has a downside.

00:05:56.880 And what you mentioned, you know, when you go out and seek rewards, but you could be disappointed,

00:06:01.980 you could be threatened, and the other part of the downside of dopamine, like all of them,

00:06:07.480 is you just get a short burst, and then it's metabolized.

00:06:11.920 So, it's like when you get what you want, the good feeling is gone, and then you have to get,

00:06:17.680 you have to do more to get more.

00:06:19.760 And the reason for that is that our ancestors had to keep filling their belly.

00:06:24.500 They didn't know where their next meal would come from.

00:06:26.840 So, dopamine motivates you to seek, seek, seek, because that's how you get the next meal.

00:06:34.300 Another one of those happy chemicals you talk about in the book is oxytocin, which sort of

00:06:39.860 fulfills the animal need for feeling like you're close to, I mean, it's like love.

00:06:44.120 That's not what we feel like.

00:06:44.820 It's what we did, the neurotransmitter that goes on in our brain when we hug or cuddle with

00:06:49.540 our family member.

00:06:51.540 Yes.

00:06:51.940 So, oxytocin is actually social trust.

00:06:56.060 So, touch stimulates it, and sex stimulates it, but everyone knows that it's possible to

00:07:02.200 have sex without trust, let's say.

00:07:05.020 So, it helps to understand it from an animal perspective.

00:07:08.900 So, when you see two monkeys grooming, touch stimulates a little bit, and if you let another

00:07:17.800 animal close enough to you to touch your fur, they could kill you in an instant.

00:07:23.560 So, you have to trust them a little bit.

00:07:27.280 So, touch and trust go together.

00:07:30.320 And sex is a lot of oxytocin at once, and then it's metabolized, and then it's gone.

00:07:36.560 But another way of looking at it is that when two monkeys groom together, they build their 0.95

00:07:42.640 oxytocin pathways so it's easier to trust the individuals who have groomed you in the past

00:07:49.200 or that you have groomed them in the past.

00:07:52.660 And this is herd behavior also when we extend it to a group, that we trust them, and it's not

00:08:01.540 because of a sophisticated intellectual reason, but because if a predator comes, you're safer

00:08:07.820 when you're surrounded by your herd.

00:08:09.740 So, it's really a selfish survival motivation.

00:08:13.200 All right.

00:08:13.300 So, that encourages survival.

00:08:14.880 Another happy neurotransmitter, happy chemical that we experience that also contributes to

00:08:19.340 our survival is serotonin.

00:08:20.920 What's going on with that?

00:08:22.660 So, this is complicated, but a century of research in zoology has taught us that mammals are very

00:08:32.060 hierarchical and competitive, and they actually are aware of each other's status.

00:08:38.760 And individuals promote their genes and get more reproductive opportunity when they raise

00:08:46.020 their status.

00:08:47.420 And more recent research in the late 20th century showed that your serotonin increases when you're

00:08:55.260 in the one-up position.

00:08:57.340 And like all the other chemicals, it's very ephemeral.

00:09:00.400 It comes and goes.

00:09:01.260 So, that means that if there's two of us and one banana, you know, serotonin gives you that

00:09:08.920 sense of confidence that motivates you to assert yourself and get the banana.

00:09:14.540 And in the animal world, animals never assert themselves unless they're sure they're going

00:09:19.280 to win, because if they get injured, they could easily die.

00:09:22.380 So, we look for that good feeling of serotonin, but we're not designed to have it all the time.

00:09:29.640 We're designed to save it for just the right situations.

00:09:34.180 All right.

00:09:34.280 So, we've talked about the happy chemicals that all mammals feel.

00:09:37.700 Let's talk about the unhappy ones.

00:09:39.360 What's the unhappy chemical?

00:09:40.400 So, I focus on cortisol, which is, as many people have heard, called the stress chemical.

00:09:47.760 In the animal world, it's that emergency alarm system that tells you that there's an immediate

00:09:54.440 survival threat.

00:09:56.120 And it feels so bad that you can't focus on anything other than making it stop.

00:10:01.560 So, the simple example that we always hear about is if you're enjoying the delicious green

00:10:07.340 grass and then you smell a predator, cortisol motivates a gazelle to run from the predator,

00:10:14.480 even though it would rather keep eating.

00:10:16.540 But then, if you did nothing but run from predators all the time, then you'd starve to

00:10:20.960 death.

00:10:21.260 So, the mammal brain evolved to weigh one threat against another.

00:10:26.000 So, at some point, you're so hungry that you run a little more risk to go out and do what

00:10:32.520 it takes to keep your genes alive.

00:10:34.260 So, that's an example of, okay, a very obvious example that where animals are going to feel

00:10:39.900 stressed when a predator is going after it.

00:10:41.740 But in your book, you talk about that sometimes being denied certain happy chemicals, right,

00:10:48.360 either oxytocin or serotonin, so you're denied social trust or status, that can also cause

00:10:54.180 cortisol to spike and for us to feel stressed out and anxious.

00:10:56.800 Yeah, so, this is a subtle thing.

00:10:59.940 So, first, I would never say that we're denied it because that's like blaming the external

00:11:06.520 world.

00:11:07.920 And to me, that is just a constant self-stressor that I think we're better off without.

00:11:14.980 So, I think we're better off to have the empowered feeling that I wanted a happy chemical

00:11:21.660 and I didn't get it.

00:11:23.660 So, now I have to try again to get it.

00:11:26.700 So, what is this we call disappointment.

00:11:29.940 So, when you anticipate a reward and you don't get it, cortisol is released because that's

00:11:36.720 how the mammal brain protects you from wasting your effort on a failed pursuit.

00:11:42.000 So, you could think about a lion is making careful decisions about which gazelle to run after.

00:11:49.140 Otherwise, it would starve to death if it just ran after stuff.

00:11:53.440 So, disappointment is one big source of threatened feelings.

00:11:58.920 But another is like whenever our happy chemicals are on and then they're gone in a few minutes

00:12:05.560 and then you have to do something to stimulate them.

00:12:08.580 But if you don't understand this and if you don't have a sense of personal agency, then

00:12:15.500 you think that something is wrong with the world and why did I get deprived of happy chemicals

00:12:21.500 and everyone else has them?

00:12:23.340 So, the important thing is that you know that you always have to do more to get more and if

00:12:31.160 one thing doesn't work that you can try something else.

00:12:34.020 But underneath that, we're aware of our own mortality.

00:12:39.960 We know that something will get us someday.

00:12:43.500 So, the more you fail to activate your happy chemicals, the more aware you are of that underlying

00:12:51.340 threat overhanging you.

00:12:54.620 Well, I think part of the problem with humans, so humans, unlike animals, yeah, we're aware

00:12:58.320 that we will die.

00:12:59.280 So, we've got to deal with that existential angst.

00:13:02.580 And also, the other problem with being human is we're oftentimes too smart for our own good.

00:13:08.440 So, that cortex part of our brain, our verbal part, we can take those disappointments that

00:13:14.180 we experience and use our cortex to make them worse than they actually are.

00:13:19.140 That's like where worry comes from.

00:13:20.620 It's like, well, you know, I didn't get the job and because I didn't get the job, I'm going

00:13:24.180 to be homeless.

00:13:25.140 Listen, because I'm homeless, like, we can do that with our brain.

00:13:27.960 Like, a rabbit wouldn't do that, but us humans can do that.

00:13:32.720 Yes, exactly.

00:13:33.880 Very good.

00:13:34.960 So, there's a couple of things about this.

00:13:38.240 So, the human cortex can anticipate the future.

00:13:42.040 And that has actually protected us from a lot of harm.

00:13:46.520 And that's why we have higher survival rates than animals.

00:13:50.320 But because we're constantly anticipating harm, then we can give ourselves a lot of cortisol.

00:13:58.500 And if you think about our ancestors many thousands of years ago, they lived with a lot

00:14:03.820 more threat than we do.

00:14:05.680 So, because we've eliminated so many threats, we just look further and further for threats.

00:14:11.260 And that's why tiny social disappointments can feel like survival threats because we have

00:14:17.060 this huge threat detector and nothing else to focus it on.

00:14:22.160 What are some other aspects?

00:14:23.580 I mean, this is something you've been reading about in the news that people, particularly

00:14:26.880 young people, are more, like, they're the most anxious generation. 0.97

00:14:30.980 They have a lot of an uptick in anxiety.

00:14:33.600 What's going on there?

00:14:34.800 I mean, this is just, I mean, you just mentioned that we kind of invent problems that aren't there.

00:14:40.020 But, like, why are we doing that more now?

00:14:43.120 So, there's so many reasons.

00:14:44.880 So, one of them is because, as I said, when you're actually safe, it's not until you're

00:14:50.240 safe from hunger that you could worry about all this minutia.

00:14:54.080 And, like, my mother actually grew up with hunger.

00:14:56.580 So, it's really quite recent that humans are safe from hunger.

00:14:59.940 So, that's the first thing.

00:15:01.200 So, the next thing is that you pick up on your parent's sense of threat.

00:15:05.460 But, so, in the past, like, not too long ago, parents had 10 kids, and it was not unusual

00:15:12.340 to lose a few.

00:15:14.700 You know, I don't know if you know the expression that kids are like pancakes.

00:15:18.800 You don't expect to, you know, you don't expect the first few to come out okay or something

00:15:24.600 like that.

00:15:25.980 So, today, people have fewer children, so they think everything must go perfectly, and children

00:15:33.140 pick up on their parent's sense of threat.

00:15:35.460 Then, children pick up on their teacher's sense of threat and the media's sense of threat.

00:15:41.300 And, to an extent, they are intentionally trying to alarm us, both because of their political

00:15:48.760 persuasions and to get support, to recruit social support, because that's how mammals build

00:15:56.300 social solidarity, by focusing on common enemies.

00:16:00.520 And I imagine, for that status disappointment, social media doesn't help.

00:16:04.460 Yes, it's true, and yet everyone has focused on this, and the same patterns existed before

00:16:13.800 social media.

00:16:14.820 So, every generation uses whatever is the latest technology to explain their anxiety with their

00:16:24.260 verbal brain.

00:16:24.980 So, when trains were first invented, people thought they were stressed because trains speeded

00:16:33.760 up life.

00:16:34.760 So, this was like in the early 1800s.

00:16:37.940 And then, when the telegraph made it possible for news to travel thousands of miles overnight,

00:16:45.660 they thought, oh, now we're so stressed because news is traveling so fast.

00:16:50.140 Yeah, so yeah, the more things change, the more they stay the same.

00:16:55.880 All right, so, okay, we've got an understanding of how our mammal brain works, how we have these

00:17:00.120 needs.

00:17:00.980 And if we don't have those needs, we have a disappointment, then cortisol is released,

00:17:05.620 and that can cause us to feel anxious and stressed out.

00:17:08.260 So, you offer sort of a solution, an idea, some tools you can use to manage that.

00:17:14.180 And the first part of this tool is asking, what does my mammal brain want?

00:17:19.060 So, how do you figure out what your mammal brain wants, whether you need social trust,

00:17:24.620 serotonin, you need safety?

00:17:26.880 Like, how do you figure that out?

00:17:28.580 Sure.

00:17:29.200 So, we really want all of them.

00:17:31.900 So, dopamine, you could call it excitement.

00:17:33.920 It's the expectation of a reward.

00:17:37.000 And when you have something going on, and you're expecting, oh, this is really going to be good,

00:17:44.700 then that feels great.

00:17:48.440 It gives you the sense that your needs will be met.

00:17:51.280 The minute you don't have that, even if it's because you achieved your goal,

00:17:55.260 then you lose that good feeling of dopamine, that good sense of excitement,

00:17:59.460 even though you're perfectly fine.

00:18:01.280 So, that's why people look for excitement and look to the future and sometimes do harmful

00:18:08.120 things for excitement.

00:18:09.980 Now, oxytocin is the sense of acceptance and belonging, and we all look for that.

00:18:17.140 But it's interesting that it's soon metabolized and it's gone.

00:18:21.780 So, the simple example is when you're with a group and you have a nice sense of solidarity

00:18:27.060 and safety, and then maybe after a while you're with this group and they get on your nerves

00:18:32.980 and you wish you could just go home and be alone.

00:18:36.220 But then when you're home and alone, then your inner mammal starts saying,

00:18:40.500 wow, I'm alone.

00:18:42.440 I could get eaten.

00:18:43.460 You know, of course, you don't think that works.

00:18:45.360 So, that's why, you know, we have ups and downs in all of these.

00:18:49.000 But big one is status.

00:18:50.880 So, when you're in the one-up position for a moment, you get that nice feeling.

00:18:58.260 We could call it pride, confidence, ego, winner.

00:19:02.100 I have in my books like a list of 30 different synonyms because we think about it so much.

00:19:07.980 And yet, we're told that we shouldn't care about it.

00:19:10.180 And we learn to pretend that we don't care about it and say, oh, I don't care about that.

00:19:15.040 And yet, we seek it.

00:19:17.580 When we get it, it's gone in a few minutes because that's how it's designed to work.

00:19:23.100 And that's why we look for status again.

00:19:25.820 So, we're all looking for all of them all the time.

00:19:29.240 But there's two things.

00:19:31.220 So, some of them we feel like, oh, I'm good at that one.

00:19:36.180 And so, we tend to go for the one we're good at,

00:19:39.260 but we could possibly benefit more by going for the one that we're not as good at.

00:19:45.720 And when you're trying to figure this stuff out, how to scratch those itches,

00:19:49.120 as you said, with all these things, you could pick up, you can do things that are unhealthy.

00:19:53.360 So, like dopamine, you could pick up, take up gambling or drugs.

00:19:57.660 Oxytocin, you can get involved in relationships that aren't healthy.

00:20:00.420 Serotonin, there's lots of, I mean, YouTube's a perfect example.

00:20:03.940 You could do a lot of terrible things to get social status.

00:20:06.780 So, how do you ensure you pick things to scratch those needs that are healthy in the long run?

00:20:12.680 Yeah, I say that you could think of 10 examples in 10 seconds of bad ways to get happy chemicals.

00:20:21.760 So, what's so helpful is to understand that we're wired by past experience.

00:20:27.780 So, whatever triggered your dopamine when you were young is the way you expect to get it today.

00:20:34.060 Whatever triggered your serotonin when you were young is the way you expect to get it today.

00:20:38.520 So, we all, of course, get a little more sophisticated than the worst things we did when we were young,

00:20:45.120 but we sort of are playing in the same ballpark.

00:20:49.160 And, excuse me, it's hard to see this in yourself,

00:20:53.100 but when you talk to other people about it, it's sort of mind-blowing.

00:20:57.360 Like, if you have a friend and you think,

00:20:59.620 geez, they seem stuck in this thought loop,

00:21:02.540 and you find out about their early years,

00:21:05.040 and you think, wow, it's mind-blowing how they're just repeating their childhood.

00:21:09.820 And I find myself doing it, and I see my husband doing it.

00:21:13.300 So, it takes a certain degree of self-acceptance to say, you know,

00:21:17.260 we really are wired by past experience,

00:21:20.360 and that's why we can strive to add more leaves to our neural trees,

00:21:28.100 but we shouldn't hate the branches on our own trees,

00:21:32.940 because then we're hating ourselves.

00:21:35.740 We're going to take a quick break for your word from our sponsors.

00:21:38.340 And now back to the show.

00:21:40.040 So, and then another issue with these things,

00:21:43.680 as you said, all these neurotransmitters,

00:21:45.620 they metabolize very quickly.

00:21:47.440 Like, you do something, and you feel good,

00:21:49.560 but then it goes away really fast,

00:21:52.080 and so you have to do something again.

00:21:54.140 So, how do you battle that?

00:21:55.940 It seems like it's like a, you're like constantly,

00:21:57.900 it's like a boat that's got a hole in it,

00:21:59.600 and you're just constantly pouring water out.

00:22:02.620 Yeah, it's often called the treadmill feeling.

00:22:05.280 Well, first, it's so helpful to know

00:22:07.940 that everyone else has the same experience.

00:22:10.520 I found that so liberating.

00:22:13.020 Now, as you know, there are many people

00:22:15.340 who try to direct your frustration into politics,

00:22:21.500 and you're taught to blame society for this treadmill feeling.

00:22:25.820 And when you do that, it's very disempowering,

00:22:28.300 because then you feel victimized and helpless,

00:22:31.180 and then you think the only thing you could do

00:22:33.260 is get angry at society and join with other people

00:22:36.840 to fight society, and that's why they're telling you that,

00:22:39.840 because they want you to join with them and fight with them.

00:22:42.260 But you have like more options when you understand the mechanism,

00:22:47.560 but your options are limited to the realm of reality.

00:22:53.220 So what I suggest, I talk about it as if you are binging on junk food,

00:23:02.340 then you learn to stock your pantry with healthy food

00:23:05.820 so it's ready in a bad moment.

00:23:09.600 So it's the same way, like if you feel that you're binging

00:23:13.980 on unhealthy ways to get happy chemicals,

00:23:17.840 that you plan in advance of healthy ways to stimulate them

00:23:24.280 and practice healthy alternatives

00:23:27.980 so that in a bad moment, you know positive ways to stimulate it.

00:23:33.280 Gotcha.

00:23:33.560 So instead of, like you'd say, if you're feeling that it's your board,

00:23:37.080 like have a list of things that you could go do

00:23:39.340 that don't involve, you know,

00:23:41.540 potentially dangerous or unhealthy activities.

00:23:44.820 Yes, and a great, this is a great example

00:23:48.320 because what is boredom?

00:23:50.820 It's very helpful to understand, you know,

00:23:53.360 what in Alcoholics Anonymous they would call like the trigger.

00:23:56.620 It's the moment that sends you to that old harmful stimulator.

00:24:01.500 So boredom is lack of dopamine.

00:24:05.280 Boredom means I wish I was expecting a reward,

00:24:09.460 but I'm not expecting a reward.

00:24:11.540 So I want some excitement.

00:24:12.920 So what would be a way to expect a reward?

00:24:17.540 So if you know that that's what you're doing,

00:24:21.520 then you're like, how can I give myself the expectation of reward

00:24:26.300 in ways other than the way that comes most easily to mind?

00:24:31.920 Because the way that comes most easily to mind

00:24:33.920 is just a big neural pathway that's big because it was used a lot.

00:24:39.220 It's not big because it's good for you.

00:24:41.200 So what are alternatives?

00:24:43.660 And I always explain that if you have a short-run goal,

00:24:48.240 a long-run goal, and a middle-term goal,

00:24:50.780 then you could always be approaching a goal.

00:24:53.580 And that's the healthy way to stimulate dopamine

00:24:56.300 because as your brain, you only need to get one step closer

00:24:59.940 for your brain to say, wow, it's coming, it's coming,

00:25:02.940 and that stimulates dopamine.

00:25:04.280 And if you have a few goals, then you can shift between them.

00:25:08.180 And so then you can always feel like you're getting ahead and making progress.

00:25:12.940 That's why planning for a vacation is often more fun than the actual vacation.

00:25:16.760 Yes, exactly.

00:25:18.420 And that's my addiction.

00:25:20.160 And in these times we have today,

00:25:25.820 so many of our favorite dopamine stimulators are off limits,

00:25:31.240 including the very idea of planning for anything, period.

00:25:35.620 You know?

00:25:36.500 Right.

00:25:36.880 So you have to use your creativity and scale down.

00:25:42.800 So instead of planning a week-long vacation,

00:25:46.520 you could plan your weekend.

00:25:47.660 Instead of just going to your weekend without any plans,

00:25:50.340 have just a short plan that you can look forward to.

00:25:53.000 I'm going to get to do this this weekend,

00:25:54.760 and that can scratch that dopamine edge. 0.90

00:25:57.720 Yes, exactly.

00:25:58.820 Exactly.

00:25:59.540 You have to plan a project for yourself.

00:26:01.740 And a lot of people are planning cooking projects

00:26:06.020 and learning a new skill that you've always wanted to learn.

00:26:10.420 And it's important to then break that big goal down into smaller steps

00:26:15.180 because otherwise it gets frustrating and you have to give up.

00:26:18.840 But if you break it into smaller steps,

00:26:20.680 then you can constantly be enjoying that rewarding feeling.

00:26:24.220 And with oxytocin, I think, again,

00:26:26.420 filling your pantry with good food

00:26:28.720 is just having to plan whenever you're feeling down.

00:26:30.820 I guess one way you could scratch that itch,

00:26:33.060 like just have a friend you could call and just talk to.

00:26:36.160 That could be something you could do to scratch that itch.

00:26:39.980 Yes, exactly.

00:26:41.480 But it is complicated.

00:26:43.140 I have to admit that when I talk to other people

00:26:46.900 and they're on a bummer,

00:26:48.700 I don't find it very uplifting.

00:26:52.760 So on some level,

00:26:55.060 the fact is that we're very much wired by past experience

00:26:59.220 and we have specific ideas about how we want to get our oxytocin needs met.

00:27:06.240 So it helps to understand our old patterns

00:27:08.800 and then make it a goal to expand those old patterns in a specific way.

00:27:15.760 All right.

00:27:15.920 So yeah, coming up with new strategies to get your oxytocin needs met

00:27:18.860 certainly applies to our current moment.

00:27:20.920 People can't see each other in person,

00:27:22.760 but you know people have had virtual book clubs,

00:27:25.560 virtual Bible studies.

00:27:26.860 I've even heard people having virtual cocktail hours.

00:27:29.620 So just look for ways to get social with a purpose beyond just grousing.

00:27:33.780 And then with serotonin,

00:27:34.920 how do you do that?

00:27:36.580 Say like you decided by my mammal,

00:27:38.220 but I'm just not feeling like I'm not feeling good about myself.

00:27:41.680 I'm not feeling proud or like that successful feeling.

00:27:44.660 What can you do there?

00:27:46.140 Again, sort of stocking your pantry with healthy things

00:27:49.140 that you can turn to whenever you need it.

00:27:52.480 Yeah, this is a big challenge.

00:27:54.860 So it's first, like I said with all the others,

00:27:57.480 it's so helpful to know that it's natural

00:27:59.860 and everyone else has the same experience.

00:28:02.640 So our brain evolved to constantly compare us to others.

00:28:07.880 So before a monkey reaches for a banana,

00:28:10.720 it compares itself to the monkeys around it.

00:28:14.060 And if it's smaller, cortisol is released

00:28:16.860 and that motivates it to pull back and avoid getting bitten.

00:28:21.700 And cortisol feels bad.

00:28:23.820 Missing out on the banana feels bad,

00:28:25.960 but it's better than getting hurt.

00:28:28.140 So then the monkey looks around for,

00:28:30.620 when am I in the one-up position?

00:28:32.980 So it's just very helpful to know

00:28:35.280 that our brain is sort of overreacting

00:28:39.640 to these very tiny differences.

00:28:43.100 So when you have enough food,

00:28:46.340 enough bananas, and you're safe and warm,

00:28:49.420 then you long for that one-up position

00:28:52.140 because you have everything else.

00:28:54.940 And you can't be in the one-up position every minute.

00:28:57.980 Even big celebrities are not in the one-up position

00:29:02.540 every minute and they drive themselves nuts

00:29:05.160 over losing whatever status they have.

00:29:08.580 So finding small ways to enjoy status is useful.

00:29:14.780 And of course, people can do that in small, nasty ways.

00:29:19.620 So finding small, nice ways to do that

00:29:22.080 is even more challenging.

00:29:24.080 And so when you have plenty of free time,

00:29:26.460 what better?

00:29:28.540 It's a good time to say,

00:29:31.580 how can I find a one-up feeling in healthy ways,

00:29:36.540 in small steps?

00:29:38.660 What's one way that you've seen people use?

00:29:41.800 So as you know,

00:29:43.620 the most common way is to help others.

00:29:47.720 And this is good, this is healthy,

00:29:50.000 but I do want to constrain it a little bit

00:29:53.720 since this has become like

00:29:56.600 the only publicly acceptable solution.

00:30:00.240 And as a result,

00:30:01.760 it has led to this sort of current share paradigm

00:30:06.060 that selflessness is all good

00:30:09.480 and self is all bad.

00:30:11.700 And I think that's taking it too far

00:30:14.220 and it's harmful.

00:30:15.640 So what I always suggest is

00:30:17.900 taking pride in your own skills

00:30:20.980 and your own actions is good.

00:30:23.340 So instead of just being grateful

00:30:25.520 for things that fell in your lap by accident,

00:30:28.500 you can be grateful for things that you did.

00:30:31.140 So a simple small example

00:30:33.780 would be to create something

00:30:37.520 that you're proud of in small steps

00:30:40.400 and then tell other people about it.

00:30:42.900 And I know this is what social media is notorious for,

00:30:46.140 but it actually has a healthy function.

00:30:48.940 So instead of hating other people

00:30:51.780 for their creations,

00:30:53.320 you can take pride in your own creation

00:30:56.360 and then share it.

00:30:58.800 But you know what?

00:31:00.080 If you get 10 likes or 20 likes,

00:31:03.020 what happens is

00:31:04.180 your brain then takes that as the baseline.

00:31:07.180 And then the next time,

00:31:08.320 if you get less than 10 likes,

00:31:10.160 then you feel like it's a failure.

00:31:12.040 So it's building the habit

00:31:13.720 of taking pride in your creations

00:31:15.900 and sharing them,

00:31:17.300 but without obsessing

00:31:19.580 over the short run reaction that you get.

00:31:23.200 It sounds like too,

00:31:23.620 one thing we can all do

00:31:24.540 to help each other out

00:31:25.440 is when someone does share something,

00:31:27.780 like give them the thumbs up,

00:31:29.000 like, because that feels good,

00:31:30.180 kind of scratch their back.

00:31:31.780 Yes, exactly.

00:31:32.860 And that's oxytocin

00:31:34.320 and that's great

00:31:35.300 and it's healthy.

00:31:36.080 But again,

00:31:37.580 when this is the only healthy behavior,

00:31:40.360 then what happens is

00:31:41.320 people think,

00:31:43.000 if I spend my whole life

00:31:44.460 scratching other people's backs,

00:31:46.540 then they will scratch my back.

00:31:48.520 But then if other people 0.61

00:31:49.720 don't scratch your back

00:31:51.180 to the extent that you expect,

00:31:53.620 then people get bitter

00:31:55.120 and hostile and disappointed.

00:31:57.380 So it's important

00:31:58.300 to be aware of that thought loop

00:32:01.000 and to have other tools

00:32:02.680 in your toolkit.

00:32:04.060 And as we've been talking about

00:32:05.200 these different mammalian

00:32:06.860 happy chemicals,

00:32:08.340 it seems like, you know,

00:32:09.140 philosophy and religion,

00:32:11.240 like a lot of those

00:32:12.060 are designed to help us

00:32:13.460 sort of, I guess,

00:32:15.120 manage these emotions,

00:32:17.160 whether it's status, emotions,

00:32:18.960 social trust, dopamine,

00:32:20.340 like they're there.

00:32:21.780 There's sort of like

00:32:22.260 our human cortex

00:32:24.020 has applied that there

00:32:25.120 to help us manage it better

00:32:26.340 and think about it

00:32:27.060 in healthy ways.

00:32:28.760 Exactly, precisely.

00:32:30.200 And the interesting thing

00:32:31.340 is that in most of human history,

00:32:33.460 you didn't have a chance

00:32:35.020 to choose your philosophy

00:32:36.660 or religion.

00:32:37.900 So you just absorbed it

00:32:40.580 from the social cues around you.

00:32:43.240 And today,

00:32:44.000 you have that choice.

00:32:45.940 But some people use

00:32:48.220 that choice badly

00:32:49.300 in the sense that

00:32:50.440 when you're young,

00:32:53.300 it's easy to reject

00:32:55.020 the character-building

00:32:58.780 thought habits

00:32:59.880 of the adults around you.

00:33:02.100 And then your mind

00:33:05.480 gets built about rejecting

00:33:07.280 and opposing and critiquing.

00:33:09.600 And that becomes

00:33:10.880 your one-up strategy.

00:33:12.740 And then that becomes

00:33:14.780 your religion.

00:33:15.400 And you're sort of

00:33:16.520 as stuck in that

00:33:18.260 as the stuckness

00:33:20.040 of the adults

00:33:20.700 you grew up with.

00:33:22.720 So we've been talking

00:33:23.260 about how to manage anxiety

00:33:24.820 like in the long run

00:33:25.940 so we can come up

00:33:27.160 with activities

00:33:27.680 that we know

00:33:28.240 will fulfill those needs

00:33:29.600 that our mammal brain wants.

00:33:30.720 But like,

00:33:31.120 what do you do

00:33:31.700 whenever you're experiencing

00:33:32.640 just a cortisol spike?

00:33:34.160 You're stressed out.

00:33:34.880 You're feeling anxious.

00:33:35.800 How can you manage cortisol

00:33:37.620 in a healthy way

00:33:38.900 so you can move on

00:33:40.560 with your life

00:33:41.020 and get going?

00:33:42.140 So here's the thing.

00:33:43.300 Cortisol has a half-life

00:33:45.000 of 20 minutes

00:33:46.020 which means

00:33:47.140 once you have

00:33:48.640 this surge of bad feeling

00:33:50.160 for a reason

00:33:51.040 that we often

00:33:51.740 even don't know

00:33:52.440 like,

00:33:52.900 I don't even know

00:33:53.600 why that happened.

00:33:55.280 Why did I get so upset

00:33:56.420 about that?

00:33:56.980 Because my verbal brain

00:33:58.400 is saying,

00:33:58.920 no big deal.

00:34:00.120 So once that happens,

00:34:02.600 half of that

00:34:03.920 bad feeling chemical

00:34:05.240 will be gone

00:34:06.100 in 20 minutes

00:34:07.180 as long as I don't

00:34:09.080 trigger more.

00:34:10.020 But normally

00:34:11.660 you do trigger more

00:34:13.200 because cortisol

00:34:14.420 tells your higher faculties,

00:34:17.720 your cortex,

00:34:18.800 to look for evidence

00:34:20.000 of threat.

00:34:20.700 Like when a gazelle 0.88

00:34:21.480 smells a predator,

00:34:22.860 then it looks for

00:34:23.860 where is the predator

00:34:25.040 so it knows

00:34:25.820 where to run.

00:34:27.020 So if you are looking

00:34:28.320 for evidence of threat,

00:34:30.520 you're going to find it

00:34:31.620 and that's going to trigger

00:34:32.840 more cortisol

00:34:33.780 and then you're going to

00:34:35.140 find more evidence

00:34:36.140 and you're in a bad loop.

00:34:37.720 So a simple way

00:34:38.500 of saying that is

00:34:39.460 once your bad feeling

00:34:41.220 goes on,

00:34:42.580 almost anything

00:34:43.600 you try to do

00:34:45.020 after that

00:34:46.180 feels bad

00:34:48.220 and so

00:34:49.540 then you get

00:34:51.660 into a spiral.

00:34:53.020 So in that

00:34:53.860 20 minutes

00:34:54.940 or 40 minutes,

00:34:56.320 if you

00:34:56.940 wait 40 minutes,

00:34:58.620 then you can get rid

00:34:59.340 of 75%

00:35:00.540 of the bad feeling.

00:35:02.280 So in that time,

00:35:04.240 do something

00:35:05.020 you like

00:35:05.920 because that

00:35:07.740 will help

00:35:08.160 to protect you

00:35:09.080 from stimulating

00:35:09.980 more cortisol.

00:35:11.480 And when I say

00:35:12.100 do something

00:35:12.620 you like,

00:35:13.660 you know,

00:35:13.960 a lot of people

00:35:14.480 think,

00:35:14.940 oh,

00:35:15.180 well,

00:35:15.320 the way to feel

00:35:16.640 good is eat

00:35:17.680 vegetables

00:35:18.200 and exercise.

00:35:19.580 But don't do it

00:35:21.060 when you're feeling

00:35:21.820 bad because

00:35:22.760 that's just going

00:35:24.200 to give you

00:35:25.020 that,

00:35:25.320 oh,

00:35:25.500 I'm not exercising

00:35:27.080 good enough

00:35:27.960 and my diet

00:35:29.240 isn't good enough.

00:35:30.380 So you need

00:35:31.020 to give yourself

00:35:31.760 some positive

00:35:32.840 reward time.

00:35:33.660 However,

00:35:34.920 if you're a person

00:35:35.660 who goes

00:35:36.420 in the other

00:35:37.000 direction,

00:35:37.740 like you start

00:35:38.380 doing something

00:35:39.100 fun for 20 minutes

00:35:40.460 and then you

00:35:40.880 can't stop,

00:35:42.200 then you need

00:35:43.000 to set a timer

00:35:44.040 and say,

00:35:45.260 I'm going to

00:35:45.780 engage in

00:35:46.380 healthy rewards

00:35:47.320 for 20 to 40 minutes

00:35:48.720 and then I'm

00:35:49.920 going to go

00:35:50.300 back to

00:35:51.620 facing up

00:35:53.460 to whatever

00:35:54.680 it was

00:35:55.300 that triggered me.

00:35:56.880 And that's

00:35:57.700 what a gazelle 1.00

00:35:58.800 is saying.

00:36:00.060 Where is the lion?

00:36:01.680 Where is the

00:36:02.400 escape path?

00:36:03.660 And then

00:36:04.120 focusing only

00:36:05.480 on the escape

00:36:06.360 path.

00:36:07.420 So it's

00:36:07.880 focusing on

00:36:08.820 the solution,

00:36:09.840 on the steps

00:36:10.440 in front of

00:36:11.100 you rather

00:36:11.940 than the

00:36:12.440 threat,

00:36:13.000 which is

00:36:13.660 ultimately

00:36:14.160 what makes

00:36:14.840 us feel

00:36:15.280 good.

00:36:16.680 All right,

00:36:16.780 so in examples

00:36:17.380 of activities

00:36:18.740 you can do

00:36:19.180 to distract

00:36:19.720 yourself when

00:36:20.140 you're having

00:36:20.360 that cortisol

00:36:20.820 spike could 1.00

00:36:21.560 be take a

00:36:22.240 walk.

00:36:22.760 I mean,

00:36:22.900 I know it's

00:36:23.180 exercise,

00:36:23.620 but just go

00:36:23.940 outside,

00:36:24.580 be outside

00:36:25.000 for a little

00:36:25.300 bit.

00:36:25.520 I mean,

00:36:25.660 you can

00:36:25.860 meditate.

00:36:26.520 I mean,

00:36:26.680 what are some

00:36:26.980 other things

00:36:27.440 that are

00:36:28.240 healthy?

00:36:29.500 So a famous

00:36:30.460 example is

00:36:31.300 playing the

00:36:31.880 guitar.

00:36:32.380 So whether

00:36:34.520 you're playing

00:36:35.320 guitar or

00:36:36.400 taking a

00:36:37.500 walk in

00:36:37.920 the park,

00:36:39.080 so there's

00:36:39.620 two different

00:36:40.160 ways to do

00:36:40.960 it.

00:36:41.520 So one is

00:36:42.480 that your

00:36:42.840 body is on

00:36:43.760 automatic and

00:36:44.920 your brain is

00:36:45.720 brooding and

00:36:46.540 dwelling on the

00:36:47.300 negative.

00:36:47.700 and another

00:36:50.560 is that if

00:36:52.360 you are playing

00:36:53.920 the guitar and

00:36:54.680 singing or if

00:36:56.100 you're walking

00:36:56.640 in the park and

00:36:57.440 listening to an

00:36:58.220 audio book,

00:36:59.160 your brain is

00:37:00.460 so busy that

00:37:02.160 you cannot

00:37:02.820 think about

00:37:03.960 whatever it is

00:37:04.880 that bothers

00:37:05.520 you.

00:37:06.300 And that's

00:37:07.000 what allows

00:37:07.720 the electricity

00:37:08.640 in your brain

00:37:09.620 that was in

00:37:10.640 those negative

00:37:11.360 circuits to

00:37:12.960 just for those

00:37:14.040 negative circuits

00:37:14.980 to relax,

00:37:15.780 for the

00:37:16.580 cortisol to

00:37:17.500 be excreted,

00:37:18.640 and that

00:37:19.720 sort of

00:37:20.300 clears the

00:37:21.140 slate,

00:37:21.940 clears the

00:37:22.580 decks,

00:37:23.120 so that it's

00:37:24.080 possible to

00:37:24.960 have a positive

00:37:25.820 thought.

00:37:26.680 So I'm not

00:37:27.420 saying you

00:37:27.940 should learn

00:37:28.780 to play the

00:37:29.500 guitar,

00:37:30.440 I'm saying

00:37:31.200 you should

00:37:32.160 find something

00:37:33.320 that busies

00:37:35.040 both your

00:37:35.920 mind and

00:37:37.140 your hands

00:37:37.900 and feet

00:37:38.600 and body

00:37:39.640 so that you

00:37:41.140 clear the

00:37:41.960 decks,

00:37:43.040 wipe the

00:37:43.440 slate.

00:37:43.740 Right,

00:37:44.260 so it

00:37:44.360 could be

00:37:44.560 art,

00:37:45.500 knitting,

00:37:46.140 I don't

00:37:46.320 know.

00:37:47.080 Yes.

00:37:48.820 Or trip

00:37:50.400 advisor.

00:37:51.280 Or trip

00:37:51.620 advisor,

00:37:51.980 start planning,

00:37:52.580 yeah,

00:37:52.720 you can plan,

00:37:53.220 I'm going to

00:37:53.460 use that

00:37:53.740 time to

00:37:54.180 plan my

00:37:54.660 weekend out.

00:37:55.160 That's mine.

00:37:55.880 That's what

00:37:56.380 you do.

00:37:57.340 You know

00:37:57.580 what the

00:37:57.780 big cortisol

00:37:58.360 cleanser for

00:37:58.920 me is,

00:37:59.280 typically I've

00:38:00.160 noticed I get

00:38:00.740 really down at

00:38:01.500 nighttime and I

00:38:02.180 get really in a

00:38:03.020 funk and I

00:38:03.840 start doing the

00:38:04.520 brooding and

00:38:05.200 ruminating and

00:38:06.920 thinking worst

00:38:07.540 case scenarios and

00:38:08.400 that's when I

00:38:08.740 have to stop

00:38:09.000 myself, I

00:38:09.360 just need to

00:38:09.640 go to sleep,

00:38:10.260 just go to bed

00:38:10.980 and you wake

00:38:11.780 up in the

00:38:12.020 morning,

00:38:12.260 you feel

00:38:12.520 great,

00:38:13.620 the world's

00:38:14.280 beautiful again,

00:38:14.800 everything's happy,

00:38:16.140 I'm probably just

00:38:16.880 letting that

00:38:17.440 cortisol just get

00:38:18.760 out of my

00:38:19.120 system by going

00:38:19.880 to sleep.

00:38:21.220 Yes, and if

00:38:22.660 you can sleep

00:38:23.420 while that's

00:38:23.940 happening,

00:38:24.460 that's a

00:38:25.080 fabulous skill

00:38:26.000 that you should

00:38:26.680 really pat

00:38:27.580 yourself on the

00:38:28.240 back for.

00:38:29.620 So then you

00:38:30.380 say, well,

00:38:31.020 why, if I'm

00:38:32.600 exhausted, would

00:38:33.840 I stay awake?

00:38:35.380 So part of it is

00:38:36.520 that constant

00:38:37.280 feeling of I

00:38:38.560 haven't done

00:38:39.040 enough, I

00:38:39.480 haven't done

00:38:39.960 enough, I

00:38:40.360 haven't done

00:38:40.760 enough.

00:38:41.080 But another

00:38:42.140 reason is if

00:38:43.020 you've ever been

00:38:43.620 around toddlers

00:38:44.660 two or three

00:38:45.360 years old, and

00:38:46.740 sometimes they

00:38:47.920 have to cry

00:38:48.880 themselves to

00:38:49.740 sleep because

00:38:51.000 self-soothing is

00:38:52.200 a complex skill.

00:38:53.320 And when you

00:38:53.620 resist, also you

00:38:54.680 see teenagers

00:38:55.760 resisting sleep,

00:38:57.400 it's because

00:38:58.300 during the

00:39:00.020 essence of sleep

00:39:01.180 is that you

00:39:01.580 have to let

00:39:02.300 down your

00:39:02.840 guard.

00:39:03.780 And your

00:39:04.060 inner mammal

00:39:04.720 is saying, I

00:39:05.880 can't let down

00:39:06.480 my guard or I'll

00:39:07.200 get eaten, I

00:39:07.820 can't let down

00:39:08.380 my guard.

00:39:08.720 So that's

00:39:09.680 why it's a

00:39:10.220 sophisticated skill

00:39:11.420 that we need

00:39:12.440 to cultivate.

00:39:13.980 And one way

00:39:14.600 that I cultivate

00:39:15.340 it is by

00:39:16.140 taking pleasure

00:39:18.080 in facing

00:39:19.540 difficult challenges

00:39:20.740 each morning.

00:39:22.100 So if I'm at

00:39:23.300 the middle of

00:39:24.500 my work day and

00:39:25.660 something really

00:39:26.640 difficult comes

00:39:28.240 up, that I

00:39:29.280 say, I'm going

00:39:30.120 to do that first

00:39:30.960 thing in the

00:39:31.360 morning.

00:39:31.740 So every

00:39:32.300 morning, I

00:39:33.400 tackle a

00:39:34.220 difficult challenge

00:39:35.220 so that I

00:39:35.740 don't worry

00:39:38.380 about these

00:39:39.020 things overnight.

00:39:40.060 And if I

00:39:40.440 have five

00:39:41.540 difficult challenges,

00:39:42.520 I know that

00:39:43.360 five days from

00:39:44.420 now, it'll be

00:39:45.920 done.

00:39:47.180 So we've

00:39:47.400 been talking

00:39:48.120 about ways to

00:39:49.120 manage your

00:39:49.680 own anxiety.

00:39:51.660 What do you

00:39:52.080 do when someone

00:39:53.260 around you is

00:39:54.560 just wound up

00:39:57.000 tight?

00:39:57.640 So I think the

00:39:57.960 typical way we

00:39:59.280 approach that is

00:40:00.140 we verbalize,

00:40:01.340 like, hey, it's

00:40:01.700 not that bad.

00:40:02.860 Hey, don't feel

00:40:03.440 so bad.

00:40:03.900 Everything's fine.

00:40:04.680 But that

00:40:05.400 typically doesn't

00:40:06.180 work.

00:40:06.440 Oftentimes, it

00:40:06.940 makes people

00:40:07.380 angrier or

00:40:07.980 more anxious.

00:40:09.500 Yes, this is a

00:40:10.720 very difficult

00:40:11.680 dilemma.

00:40:13.240 And again, we're

00:40:14.220 wired by our

00:40:14.920 past experience.

00:40:16.820 Some people

00:40:17.800 want to hear

00:40:19.580 that and

00:40:20.560 others don't.

00:40:22.620 But what if

00:40:23.520 you say, you

00:40:25.420 know, what if a

00:40:25.980 person wants to

00:40:27.040 hear, yeah, it's

00:40:28.500 awful, you know,

00:40:30.200 but they don't

00:40:31.360 necessarily benefit

00:40:32.560 from that either.

00:40:33.440 Like, people

00:40:34.820 love to hear, oh,

00:40:36.040 it's not your

00:40:36.700 fault, they're a 1.00

00:40:37.580 jerk. 1.00

00:40:38.680 But, you know, you 0.90

00:40:40.000 don't really benefit

00:40:41.520 from that.

00:40:42.720 So what people

00:40:44.400 want is somebody

00:40:45.920 that understands.

00:40:48.900 And other people

00:40:50.780 don't necessarily

00:40:52.420 understand, you

00:40:53.640 know, this whole

00:40:54.200 cliche now, well,

00:40:55.460 you haven't been in

00:40:56.340 my shoes, so you

00:40:57.180 can't understand.

00:40:58.380 But then if you go

00:40:59.220 around hating everyone

00:41:00.280 who doesn't understand,

00:41:01.220 and then you just

00:41:01.840 fill yourself with

00:41:02.600 a lot of hate.

00:41:03.960 So what I really

00:41:05.420 try to understand

00:41:06.400 is that we're

00:41:08.240 all born in a

00:41:09.940 state of distress

00:41:11.060 because when

00:41:13.040 you're born, you're

00:41:13.860 hungry, but you

00:41:14.740 can't feed

00:41:15.960 yourself.

00:41:17.200 So you scream,

00:41:19.120 and screaming 0.96

00:41:19.840 brings help, but

00:41:21.360 you can't really

00:41:22.040 control the help.

00:41:23.500 So we're all born

00:41:24.480 in a state of

00:41:25.340 total vulnerability,

00:41:27.060 and this is the

00:41:28.160 foundation of your

00:41:29.320 brain.

00:41:29.640 It's like the

00:41:30.180 first circuit

00:41:31.000 that you build.

00:41:32.520 So that's why

00:41:34.480 that threatened

00:41:35.120 feeling comes so

00:41:36.160 easily.

00:41:37.360 And what people

00:41:38.960 need is awareness

00:41:41.040 of their resources,

00:41:43.020 awareness of their

00:41:43.940 skills, that even

00:41:46.100 though they feel

00:41:47.800 in this moment

00:41:48.600 like they can't

00:41:49.500 meet their needs,

00:41:51.020 that they actually

00:41:52.060 have skills, and

00:41:53.140 they have met

00:41:53.800 their needs in the

00:41:54.520 past.

00:41:55.300 So if you could

00:41:56.220 help a person

00:41:57.180 recognize the

00:41:59.480 strength that

00:42:00.060 they have, the

00:42:00.820 skills that they

00:42:01.500 have, and often

00:42:03.140 words won't do

00:42:04.660 it, but it's

00:42:05.360 actions.

00:42:06.460 So any tiny

00:42:08.000 step that you

00:42:09.840 can get a person

00:42:10.640 to take, then

00:42:12.500 they will start

00:42:13.440 feeling positive,

00:42:15.540 and then in a

00:42:16.260 way you sort of

00:42:17.300 forget.

00:42:18.420 It's like you

00:42:18.860 forget the lion

00:42:19.940 because you're

00:42:20.940 focused on the

00:42:22.240 escape path.

00:42:24.020 Right, so maybe

00:42:24.580 you have someone

00:42:25.160 just go do

00:42:26.480 something with

00:42:27.000 them instead of

00:42:27.580 sitting there

00:42:28.240 trying to talk

00:42:28.860 to them and

00:42:29.360 reason with

00:42:30.640 them.

00:42:30.900 That makes

00:42:31.200 sense.

00:42:31.560 Exactly.

00:42:32.460 Well, Loretta,

00:42:33.000 this has been a

00:42:33.380 great conversation.

00:42:34.120 Where can people

00:42:34.540 go to learn more

00:42:35.200 about the book

00:42:35.800 and your work?

00:42:36.840 Thank you.

00:42:37.740 Inner Mammal

00:42:38.360 Institute is my

00:42:40.100 website with lots

00:42:41.360 of information.

00:42:43.380 InnerMammalInstitute.org

00:42:44.680 And I have lots

00:42:46.640 of books and

00:42:47.500 resources for

00:42:48.540 people who don't

00:42:49.280 like to read,

00:42:50.480 and I have funny

00:42:51.520 videos for young

00:42:52.740 people and people

00:42:53.680 of all ages,

00:42:55.180 and lots of

00:42:56.520 infographics and

00:42:57.500 podcasts and

00:42:58.280 everything else.

00:42:59.280 Fantastic.

00:42:59.680 Well, Loretta

00:43:00.040 Bruning, thanks

00:43:00.520 for your time.

00:43:00.980 It's been a

00:43:01.280 pleasure.

00:43:02.460 Sure.

00:43:02.940 Thank you so

00:43:03.480 much.

00:43:04.880 My guest today

00:43:05.360 was Loretta

00:43:05.760 Bruning.

00:43:06.140 She's the author 0.99

00:43:06.700 of several books,

00:43:07.580 including her

00:43:08.060 latest, Tame Your 0.98

00:43:09.100 Anxiety, Rewiring

00:43:10.120 Your Brain for

00:43:10.760 Happiness.

00:43:11.420 It's available

00:43:11.720 on Amazon.com.

00:43:12.800 Also, check out

00:43:13.380 our show notes

00:43:13.800 at aom.is

00:43:14.860 slash happy

00:43:15.480 chemicals.

00:43:16.060 We can find

00:43:16.340 links to

00:43:16.640 resources.

00:43:17.240 We can delve

00:43:17.500 deeper into

00:43:18.060 this topic.

00:43:25.720 Well, that

00:43:26.360 wraps up

00:43:26.780 another edition

00:43:27.440 of the

00:43:27.720 AOM Podcast.

00:43:28.640 Check out

00:43:28.940 our website

00:43:29.280 at

00:43:29.440 artofmanliness.com

00:43:30.480 for our

00:43:30.860 podcast archives

00:43:31.860 as well as

00:43:32.200 thousands of

00:43:32.620 articles we've

00:43:33.200 written over

00:43:33.500 the years about

00:43:33.920 pretty much

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00:43:59.320 out of it.

00:43:59.900 As always,

00:44:00.480 thank you for

00:44:00.820 the continued

00:44:01.200 support.

00:44:01.740 Until next

00:44:02.080 time,

00:44:02.280 this is Brett

00:44:02.540 McKay.

00:44:03.140 Remind you not

00:44:03.700 only to listen to

00:44:04.120 the AOM Podcast,

00:44:04.960 but put what

00:44:05.600 you've heard

00:44:05.960 into action.

00:44:06.660 There you go.

The Art of Manliness - April 29, 2020

#606： How to Activate Your Brain's Happy Chemicals

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