The Art of Manliness - Begin the New Year by Reflecting on These 3 Life-Changing Questions [Rebroadcast]

00:00:00.000 Hey, this is Brett. We're taking a break from new episodes of the holidays. In the meantime,

00:00:03.280 we're going to rebroadcast episode number 671, Begin the New Year, by reflecting on these three

00:00:08.000 life-changing questions with Greg Creech. Great episode to listen to as we're ending this year

00:00:12.060 and going into a new one. I hope you enjoy it, and we'll see you next time.

00:00:22.340 Brett McKay here, and welcome to another edition of the Art of Manliness podcast.

00:00:25.820 As one year ends and another begins, it's natural to reflect on both the past and the

00:00:30.160 future, who we were, who we are, and who we want to become. My guest today offers three

00:00:34.460 questions that can help make that self-reflection truly fruitful, insightful, and possibly even

00:00:38.940 life-changing. His name is Greg Creech. He's executive director of the Toto Institute, which

00:00:42.820 promotes principal psychology based on Eastern traditions, and the author of Nikon, Gratitude,

00:00:47.460 Grace, and the Japanese Art of Self-Reflection. Greg and I begin our conversation with what

00:00:51.320 Nikon is and how this structured method of self-reflection can hold a mirror to your life,

00:00:55.400 helping you gain greater self-awareness and see reality and the way people perceive you

00:00:59.500 more clearly. Greg then walks us through Nikon's three rich, incisive questions and how to use

00:01:04.460 them to help you discover how you really show up and operate in the world. We end a conversation

00:01:08.580 with how to incorporate these reflections into your daily routine and even make it a special ritual

00:01:12.700 with which to ring in the new year. After the show's over, check out our show notes at

00:01:16.240 aom.is slash reflect.

00:01:27.200 All right, Greg Creech, welcome back to the show.

00:01:30.000 Well, it's good to be back, Brett. Thanks very much.

00:01:32.360 So we had you on the show, I think a year ago, or maybe it might've been two years ago. It's time

00:01:37.040 has flown. I've lost my sense of time in 2020 is completely messed up. But anyways, we had you on

00:01:42.840 to talk about Morita therapy and your work with it, which is a type of Japanese psychology. And today

00:01:49.060 I want to talk about something that's adjacent to that, which is a practice that you work with and

00:01:54.500 help people work with. It's called Nikon, another Japanese practice. So let's start off. What is

00:02:00.080 Nikon? Who developed it and what's its backstory? Well, Nikon is a method of self-reflection that was

00:02:06.800 developed in Japan. It was developed by a man by the name of Yoshimoto Ishin. Back in the 1930s,

00:02:14.860 1940s was really kind of the time when it first started to arise, but it was preceded by a kind

00:02:21.260 of ancient tradition of self-reflection called Mishirabe, which went back hundreds of years prior

00:02:27.320 to that and was affiliated originally with a form of Buddhism called Shin Buddhism, which is actually

00:02:35.500 the most popular form of Buddhism in Japan today. And it's an interesting form of Buddhism. Not a lot

00:02:42.060 of Americans know about it, but it's based or grounded in a concept called Tariki. And Tariki means

00:02:48.580 something like other power. So we can look at, for instance, in the personal development arena, you hear a

00:02:57.300 lot of things that are based on Jiriki, which means self-power, as opposed to Tariki, which means other

00:03:03.500 power. And self-power is kind of the message that we give to people, you know, look, if you want to

00:03:09.060 change your life, you've got to do it yourself. Nobody's going to do it for you. And it's a healthy

00:03:14.180 message in a lot of situations. Tariki is the message that you can't do anything by yourself. You

00:03:20.620 cannot do anything by yourself because anything that you try to do requires the support of other people,

00:03:27.260 other objects, forms of energy, money. And so you're really dependent on other things in the world for

00:03:35.100 being able to just live, for example, or make any changes in your life. So it's a very different

00:03:40.580 kind of conceptual foundation that you find in Nikon than the other form of Japanese therapy that we

00:03:46.680 talked about last time, which is Morita therapy. So for those who haven't heard that episode, just

00:03:51.640 high level, what is Morita therapy? What's the basic story behind it? Well, Morita therapy is often

00:03:58.140 called the psychology of action, and it's also from Japan, but it really is a very purpose-oriented

00:04:05.560 type of approach to psychology, which has people focus primarily on what they can do and what they

00:04:13.460 can't do and accepting what they cannot do, but really putting their energy into what's controllable

00:04:18.620 and what they can do. And I think it's, it's probably the most popular approach that we teach

00:04:24.420 in the book that I've written about. It is the most popular bestselling of the books because most

00:04:29.920 people, particularly going into a new year are thinking, you know, I want to be able to accomplish

00:04:34.680 my goals this year. I want to get more done. And so Morita therapy is a really good tool for helping

00:04:41.280 us to deal with the psychological obstacles of accomplishing what we want to do and getting things

00:04:47.480 done in our life. And how is Nikon related to Morita therapy? Is there a connection there sometime

00:04:53.000 in the development of Nikon? You know, there, there really isn't historically much of a connection.

00:04:58.720 They were really kind of developed from separate paths. Morita is, is also connected in a informal

00:05:05.580 way to Buddhism through Zen. It's a different form of Buddhism, but they kind of came together in Japan

00:05:13.140 and a man that I trained with David Reynolds really pulled them together. And I think they

00:05:18.240 complement each other very well. One being kind of the action oriented side of this material and the

00:05:24.120 other being the reflective side of this material. And I think we need to have both in our lives.

00:05:29.980 Right. That's, that's also, you see that in the West through the dichotomy between contemplation and

00:05:34.100 action. Like Aristotle talked about that too. So let's talk about Nikon. What is the goal of

00:05:39.000 Nikon and the self-reflection that you're doing there? Well, I think that the goal is simply to

00:05:44.040 really see reality more clearly. And it sounds like something that we, we wouldn't have to make

00:05:50.080 any effort to do because most of us go through life feeling like we've already, are already able to kind

00:05:56.280 of see reality and specifically see our conduct in terms of how we're living very clearly. But I like

00:06:03.560 to think about Nikon as a kind of tool that's like a mirror. So if you're getting ready to go out,

00:06:10.120 either to work or for the evening, most people probably spend at least a moment in front of a

00:06:15.640 mirror just to kind of see what they look like, to see if their hair looks okay, or if their clothes

00:06:21.060 are presentable, you kind of glance at things, you might spend more time than that. But that gives you

00:06:26.000 a reflection. So you actually can see yourself because without a mirror, we're actually very limited. I can,

00:06:31.260 I can see a good part of the front of my body up to maybe about just below my neck, but I can't see

00:06:37.380 my face. I can't see my head and I can't see almost any part of the back of my body. So I really need

00:06:43.360 a mirror to be able to get a fuller look. In fact, if you go to a barbershop or a hairstylist,

00:06:48.700 they'll often use a second mirror, right? So you can kind of see how your hair looks in the back

00:06:53.180 after it's been cut. And I think Nikon is a kind of mirror. It allows us to really see more clearly

00:06:59.120 what other people see. And often, what we think of ourselves, how we think we're looking in the

00:07:06.460 world, how people are perceiving us, is not the same as how other people are actually thinking of

00:07:11.760 us. So Nikon actually is a way of using this method, this method of self-reflection, to kind of

00:07:19.200 get a sense of what it's like for other people to actually have to deal with us, whether it's at work

00:07:25.440 or members of our family or in a professional capacity. And that's not a perspective that we

00:07:30.720 naturally have. It's a perspective that we actually, in order to take, we have to actually step back

00:07:36.240 from our normal perspective to put ourselves in somebody else's shoes and say, what is it like

00:07:41.740 to deal with Greg as, for instance, his wife or his daughter?

00:07:46.480 And what is it that we usually miss that other people are seeing but we're not seeing?

00:07:50.720 Well, it really varies from person to person. But I think one of the things that we miss is often

00:07:57.120 how much other people are doing for us because we're often not paying very much attention to that.

00:08:03.140 And that has to do, when we talk a little bit about the reflective questions, we can discuss that

00:08:07.980 further. But one of the things we miss is really the level of support and care people are providing

00:08:13.800 for us. But another thing that we miss, and that's really very hard to get in touch with, is how what

00:08:20.760 we're doing is causing trouble and difficulty to others, how we're inconveniencing others, how we're

00:08:25.800 causing problems for others. That's often something that we overlook. We focus a lot on how other people

00:08:32.240 cause us problems. And if we're driving to work on the highway, you know, somebody kind of cuts us off and

00:08:37.760 goes in front of us and almost causes an accident. And of course, our adrenaline gets peaked and we walk into

00:08:43.500 the office and we, you know, tell everybody in the office, boy, I almost had an accident on the way 0.99

00:08:48.460 to work because this jerk kind of cut right in front of me. But if we cut in front of somebody else, 0.99

00:08:53.580 which we probably did accidentally at some point, we don't usually tell anybody about it. And we'll

00:08:59.480 usually just dismiss it in our minds by saying, oh, I didn't see that car there, right? And then we're

00:09:05.240 kind of done with it. So one of the things that we can look at becoming more aware of is essentially how

00:09:11.060 we're causing trouble and difficulties to others, which is a much more constructive type of

00:09:16.660 information than looking at how other people are causing us trouble.

00:09:21.040 And what's the end goal? So the whole goal of Nikon is to get a better idea of what reality

00:09:24.360 really looks like, how other people perceive us, not just what we see. And what happens once we do

00:09:29.760 that? What's the end? Like, what is supposed to happen?

00:09:32.380 Well, I think that I would say that one of the foundation or main goals of this process of

00:09:42.440 self-reflection is really to shift from a complaint-based life to a life of genuine appreciation.

00:09:50.760 So a complaint-based life is something that many of us are familiar with, probably because we've seen

00:09:56.620 other people live that kind of way. And we know what it's like to be around somebody who's constantly

00:10:01.700 complaining. But of course, there are times when we're that person and we're constantly complaining.

00:10:06.940 And even when we don't complain out loud, we may be just going through a litany of complaints about

00:10:11.840 what a terrible day this was. I'm so glad this day is over. Or in this case, what a terrible year this

00:10:16.660 was, right? Can't wait to have this year end and get on to the next year. And I think as we reflect

00:10:23.300 on our life and the world around us and the people around us, and we get a clearer sense of what's

00:10:29.480 really going on that we're able to see, we're much more likely to develop a really genuine or

00:10:35.020 authentic sense of appreciation for our life. So it's therapeutic. It sounds like what some people

00:10:41.140 try to do with cognitive behavioral therapy. And one of the issues that that's trying to solve in

00:10:45.280 the West is wrong thinking or just thinking that doesn't see reality. And most times what you do is

00:10:51.700 you only see the negative. And cognitive behavioral therapy uses logic to be like, well, no,

00:10:56.540 things aren't as bad as you think they are. Sounds like Nikon, the self-reflection Nikon.

00:11:01.800 That's another way to get at that problem.

00:11:05.040 Yeah. I think that we're not actually trying in Nikon to change our thinking. We're actually

00:11:09.720 trying to change our seeing more specifically, trying to change where we're putting our attention.

00:11:15.500 And there's a maxim that we've developed that says your experience of life is not based on your

00:11:20.420 life. It's based on what you pay attention to.

00:11:22.980 And so if you just think about being at the end of a day, or again, let's use the example since

00:11:29.500 the timing is that we're approaching the new year, the end of the year, if what we're paying

00:11:34.240 attention to most of the time is the infection counts and the virus statistics and the political

00:11:40.600 turmoil and our personal troubles and difficulties, then our experience of life is really painted by

00:11:48.440 that kind of information, the kind of things that we're attending to. But when we actually pay

00:11:54.060 attention to the other parts of life, which is that in my case, that I, for instance, have not

00:12:01.240 gotten sick. I have a car that drives me around and that works fine. I have food in my refrigerator.

00:12:08.520 My daughter graduated from college this year, even though there wasn't a ceremony. When we start

00:12:13.020 looking at life in a more complete way, we're much more likely, I think, to develop a genuine sense

00:12:18.560 of appreciation.

00:12:19.640 Well, let's dig into the self-reflection icon. And it's really, it's just three questions,

00:12:24.360 but you can go deep with each of these questions. So the first one is, when you do an icon

00:12:29.720 self-reflection, you ask, what have I received from blank? So why begin with this question?

00:12:36.360 Well, I think the question of looking at what you've received, and there's a movement in

00:12:44.100 positive psychology towards looking at how to develop more gratitude. And so you'll see this

00:12:49.160 whole idea, for instance, of gratitude journaling, putting down the things that you feel grateful

00:12:53.460 for. This question is very carefully worded, because it's not asking you what you feel grateful

00:12:57.680 for. It's asking you to identify in a more factual way, what have you received? So if I just use that

00:13:04.260 question right now, I'm receiving the use of this microphone that I'm speaking into,

00:13:09.120 the use of the technology that you're using on your show to record our conversation. I'm receiving

00:13:13.940 your attention and your invitation for me to be your guest on the show today. I'm also receiving

00:13:19.600 electricity and Wi-Fi, nice quiet room to basically sit and talk to you in. I've got a window in the

00:13:26.160 room, so there's some sunlight coming in. My eyesight is working pretty well. And I could go on and on

00:13:32.040 with a list of what I'm receiving just right at this very moment. And the reality is that most of

00:13:37.380 the time, for instance, as I go through the day, I'm not aware of most of those things. I'm not aware

00:13:42.420 that, for instance, I'm receiving fresh air and oxygen that's infusing my lungs and allowing me to

00:13:48.020 breathe properly. And so when we pause and we do this kind of reflection, we essentially expand our

00:13:54.740 awareness of how the world is supporting us and caring for us. And there's a neuroscientist by the

00:14:02.000 name of Rick Hansen. And he developed, I think, a great metaphor for why this question is important,

00:14:08.560 because he talks about our natural tendency. In fact, he attributes it to the way our brain is

00:14:14.540 actually wired together from a neuroscientific standpoint. And he talks about the natural tendency

00:14:20.100 we have to really notice problems, challenges, threats, difficulties in our life. And that those

00:14:28.500 things tend to stick with us in a way that he connects with the image of Velcro, you know, the

00:14:34.580 way a piece of Velcro sticks to the other side of it itself. But when things are going on, like we have

00:14:41.200 fresh air to breathe, or we have a cup of coffee to drink, or we have hot water in the shower, or our car

00:14:46.660 starts in the morning, we tend not to notice those things. And so that's more like Teflon. So we can

00:14:53.840 think of this tendency that we have, which goes really into the way our brains are wired, as the

00:14:59.660 difference between Velcro, of noticing troubles and problems in our life, and Teflon, which is the way

00:15:05.960 that the things that are actually supporting and caring for us, tend to just kind of get noticed

00:15:10.640 incidentally, and then kind of slide right back off to become invisible.

00:15:14.600 So I want to reiterate, you're not, this isn't based on feelings. This is kind of like Marita

00:15:20.200 therapy. With Marita, you're not really focused on your feelings, you're focused on action you can

00:15:24.540 take. Same with Nikon, you're not thinking about what you feel grateful for, you're just thinking

00:15:29.080 about, factually, what are the things that I receive from, you know, different people, or

00:15:34.120 organizations, or even just the earth itself, the universe itself, on a daily basis?

00:15:38.860 Yes, it's actually very objective. And it's one of the things that I think is a common

00:15:43.020 denominator in Marita and Nikon, is they're both what I would call reality-based therapies.

00:15:47.900 In both cases, you're trying to see reality clearly. And the fact that I'm receiving oxygen

00:15:53.400 to breathe right now is just simply an objective fact of my existence. And the fact that I have

00:15:58.340 Wi-Fi that I'm using in order to have this conversation with you is just a fact of my

00:16:03.020 existence. And so those facts remain whether I feel grateful for those things or I don't feel

00:16:09.560 grateful for them. And so when you're reflecting on this question, how do you go about it? Do you

00:16:14.420 just think about things in general that you receive that day? Or do you focus on a relationship? Or do

00:16:19.680 you focus on, I mean, what's the best way to go about this when you reflect upon this question?

00:16:24.020 Because I mean, there's so many things, like you could spend hours thinking about all the things

00:16:28.420 you receive on a daily basis. Yeah, which is actually a great thing to do every once in a while,

00:16:33.820 particularly if you're feeling a lot of self-pity or depression, is to really spend a couple of

00:16:38.840 hours and see how long of a list you can make. But there are different ways to use this question.

00:16:43.860 And you can direct the question towards kind of the world as a whole, which is to some extent what

00:16:50.060 I've been doing in the examples I'm giving. Or you can direct it towards a specific person. And

00:16:54.500 my wife, Linda, and I, who've been working together for 25 years or more, we use this as part of our

00:17:01.320 morning routine. And the whole thing, this part of it takes probably about five or six minutes.

00:17:07.420 And what we do is we sit down and we say, let's just reflect on each other for the previous day.

00:17:13.100 So we have probably three minutes of silence. And I'm thinking of, in part, the first question,

00:17:18.660 what did I receive from Linda yesterday? And I'm thinking, well, you know, she got me a hot cup of

00:17:23.600 coffee. And she made a really nice, healthy salad for dinner. She kept me company on a walk that we

00:17:29.700 took at lunchtime so I could get some exercise. And she picked up the mail from the post office.

00:17:35.140 And she listened to some music that I was trying to compose and gave me some feedback.

00:17:40.640 So I'm just coming up with a very practical list of what I received from her the day before.

00:17:45.580 And she's doing the same thing in her three minutes. And we're using these other questions

00:17:50.180 as well. And then we actually just share that with each other for a couple of minutes.

00:17:54.520 And we find that it's a really great way to start the day that we look back at the previous 24 hours.

00:18:00.220 And most importantly, we found that using this process keeps us connected to what the other

00:18:08.260 person in the marriage is actually giving to us. And I would say without exaggerating that if it

00:18:14.000 wasn't for this process over the past 25 years, I'm not sure it would still be married. This really

00:18:19.160 has kept us from falling into the trap that I think is very easy in a relationship or marriage,

00:18:25.140 where you start getting focused on what the other person isn't doing that you really want them to

00:18:30.440 do, or what they are doing that really aggravates you. And that's where your attention goes.

00:18:35.420 And that's what your experience of the marriage starts to become. So this is kind of an antidote

00:18:39.940 to that. And even by just taking a few minutes in the morning, we're able to kind of rekindle a sense

00:18:45.880 of appreciation for one another.

00:18:48.140 And you can do this with relationships that aren't intimate. I mean, you can do this with

00:18:51.520 anonymous relationships or sort of transactional relationships, right? Like the example I came

00:18:56.000 with. So here's, we're in the pandemic. You order food from DoorDash from Payway, right? It gets,

00:19:03.060 magically arrives at your door. Well, there's like a lot of people involved that made that happen.

00:19:07.100 There's the DoorDash driver. There's the people at Payway that cook the food. There's the systems

00:19:13.780 that were developed, allowed you to order online, order with a click of a thing on your screen with

00:19:19.120 your smartphone, people who grew the food, pick the food. I mean, you can really just keep going

00:19:24.540 back and back and back and seeing, boy, a lot of people made this pad thai possible.

00:19:32.940 That's right. And I think what you just shared with us in terms of starting that list is just

00:19:38.740 an example of taking a particular incident or event, right? Just receiving food being delivered

00:19:45.140 from a restaurant and you begin to see the endless roots of what it took for you to get that meal.

00:19:52.660 And if we don't do that, then we can get pulled in the direction of the only thing that we notice

00:20:00.380 is that the food isn't as hot as we wanted it, right? And that becomes our experience. It's like,

00:20:06.440 what's wrong with these DoorDash people? You know, it took them so long to get here and now the food's

00:20:10.960 cold and now I have to heat it up. And so again, you look at this idea of how do you make that shift

00:20:17.120 from a complaint-based life to a life of, you know, genuine sense of appreciation. And I think

00:20:23.000 reflection and attention are kind of the two basic ingredients in that recipe.

00:20:28.800 And when I've done, I've, you know, I've done this reflection and, you know, I followed the

00:20:33.060 instructions, like, don't think about things that you feel grateful for. I just sort of focused on the

00:20:37.080 objective, like things I received. What I found was the natural result with that is I started to

00:20:41.300 feel grateful. Yeah. It's just, I think that, and again, that may not always happen and that's okay

00:20:47.020 too, because that's not what we're, that's not the goal in a sense. It's kind of like the, it's a

00:20:53.380 benefit that just arises naturally. And so ironically, we actually can get to the point where we realize

00:20:59.840 that actually just feeling grateful is something that we can be grateful for because it's not something

00:21:04.740 we're controlling, right? It's kind of happening to us. But the idea that we go through that process

00:21:10.780 of, of looking at how we're supported, whether it be by food delivery or whether it be by our

00:21:17.700 partner in our relationship, and then we just allow gratitude to rise naturally or not to rise

00:21:25.200 naturally. There's no effort that's involved in order to try to get us to feel a particular way.

00:21:30.780 Yeah. I really liked that because when I've tried the gratitude journal and that the question,

00:21:36.200 like, what do you, what do you feel grateful for? Like the first time you do it, it's like,

00:21:40.180 I can come up with a whole bunch of stuff, but then after a while you're like, man, I can't,

00:21:44.420 I don't feel like I, I can't feel anything anymore. I've just, it's not there anymore. But when you

00:21:48.700 just think about, okay, what have you received? I mean, I can just every day, I can just keep

00:21:53.120 list and stuff 365 days of the year. And, and I think that it's a great practice because

00:22:00.320 for instance, I'm wearing a, a Timex watch right now that was my dad, dad's watched. He died about

00:22:07.780 six years ago and passed this watch onto me and I wear it almost every day. And anytime that I'm

00:22:14.380 reflecting, I almost always remember to, to think about how many times a day I've looked to see what

00:22:20.000 time it was. And I've looked at this watch I received from him. So in a way, this gift remains

00:22:25.020 alive for me and his kindness and my memory of him remain alive because I'm doing that kind of

00:22:32.660 reflection and noticing it by just being able to say, yeah, I received the use of this watch,

00:22:38.640 which allows me very easily to tell what time it is at any, any given moment in the day.

00:22:44.000 And beyond just recognizing and sort of seeing reality for it was by recognizing the things that

00:22:49.580 you receive from different people throughout the day. Should you go and tell people like recognize,

00:22:55.880 like go people publicly and say, Hey, you did this for me. Thanks so much.

00:23:00.500 Yeah. I mean, I think that's a great question. And I think, again, there's nothing in Nikon

00:23:05.320 that suggests that once you see that somebody's done something for you or helped you or supported you,

00:23:12.140 that you have to do something for them or say, thank you.

00:23:14.960 But in many cases, it just arises as a natural response. So if we compare it to the 12 step

00:23:22.820 program, there's a whole process, for instance, of making amends. It's one of the steps that after

00:23:28.080 you've done this inventory of yourself, and I mentioned the 12 step program, because it's very

00:23:31.980 consistent, even though it's a different process, it's very consistent with Nikon. And there's a number

00:23:38.140 of people who have been involved in the 12 step program, who have then also been working with Nikon and

00:23:43.580 found the two to be very complimentary. But in Nikon, you've reached the end point when you've

00:23:48.620 actually seen the answers to these questions. And then whatever feelings arise is just what arises

00:23:56.100 naturally and whatever actions you decide to take. And I can give you a quick little example, which is

00:24:01.520 I live in this rural community, Moncton, Vermont, and they, they just put up a community dog park,

00:24:07.260 a fenced in area at this field, just about two miles from where we live. And I happen to be living

00:24:13.160 with my daughter who just graduated from the university, who just got a puppy. And so the

00:24:19.520 timing of this was great. And we take her over there and she can kind of run around in this huge

00:24:23.680 fenced in area, other dogs come and they play. And, and so in recognizing that in reflecting on how

00:24:30.620 valuable that's been, I just decided to write a letter to the, I found out who was on the committee

00:24:38.000 that got this dog park built and just wrote a letter, both congratulating and thanking them

00:24:42.580 and offering to bake a loaf of bread for each member of the committee. And it's not because

00:24:47.080 there's some, something in the process that says, oh, I should do something in return. It's just because

00:24:54.040 I just have this natural feeling, this natural response of wanting to do something in return in

00:25:00.700 order to give something back to these people who put in a lot of time and energy to get this thing

00:25:05.540 developed. We're going to take a quick break for your words from our sponsors.

00:25:11.920 And now back to the show. All right. So that first question, what have I received from? I mean,

00:25:16.880 that if someone just did that question for their self-recollection today, like I think they'd get a lot

00:25:20.620 out of it, but it doesn't stop there. The second question. Yeah. And I agree with you. If I think

00:25:25.460 that, you know, sometimes people, they say, oh, I don't have time. And you just, if you just spend

00:25:29.740 five minutes and just do that first question, I think you do get a lot out of it. But as we'll see,

00:25:35.120 I think if you, if you take some time to do the other two questions, it actually begins to build on

00:25:40.300 the first question. All right. So the second question is, what have I given to fill in the blank?

00:25:46.000 So what's the purpose of this question? What are we trying to do?

00:25:48.460 So this is just the reverse, right? We're just looking at the, we're just changing the direction.

00:25:54.200 If we use your example of DoorDash, we're thinking, well, what did I give? You know, so I paid for the

00:26:00.840 meal that was given to me. There was a fee added. I gave a tip to the driver, maybe. So we're looking

00:26:07.280 at what you gave in the situation. And so when we look at these two questions side by side,

00:26:13.620 we've, we now see the give and take of our lives either during this period of time or in relation

00:26:20.280 to this particular relationship. So if I was to do this, you know, somewhat thoroughly, if I could,

00:26:26.680 in relation to my wife for a 24 hour period for yesterday, and she was to do the same thing,

00:26:32.080 I would basically see all the things I received from her and I would identify what I had given to

00:26:36.680 her. And that is a wonderful reconciliation to look at because you see the debits and credits and

00:26:43.860 the man who developed Nikon, Yoshimoto Isshin, he was a very devout religious person, but he was also

00:26:50.500 a very successful business person. And he wrote that he developed these first two questions, kind of

00:26:57.220 working from a accounting or business framework, you know, because his company, which made artificial

00:27:03.180 leather for Japanese cars back in the 60s and 70s, that his company would send out a statement to

00:27:10.960 their clients saying, here's how much product we shipped to you. And here's how much money you

00:27:16.340 basically paid. And either you have a credit, or you owe us some money, right? And he saw this as kind

00:27:23.040 of more of a spiritual reconciliation based on our life, you know. So I went through the day yesterday,

00:27:28.460 this is what I received from the world, food from the refrigerator, air to breathe, my car worked,

00:27:34.460 my wife made a nice salad, this whole list of things, a hot shower. And here's what I gave,

00:27:39.020 I walked the dog, I fed the dog, I helped, you know, my daughter with a particular question she had

00:27:44.520 about the computer. And now I look at these things side by side. And for me personally, and I always

00:27:51.340 encourage people to deal with this freshly. But for me personally, almost all the time, what I find,

00:27:57.660 no matter what I'm looking at, is that I've received more than I gave. When I first went to

00:28:02.540 Japan to do my first training in this material, I spent two weeks going through my entire life,

00:28:09.180 16 hours a day, just reflecting on my life using these three questions and looking at every

00:28:15.280 relationship in the same way. What did I receive from this girl I dated when I was in high school

00:28:20.780 for those two years? What did I give to her? And in every single case, I found that I had received

00:28:26.200 more than I had given. So one of the things that happened is I changed my self-image kind of

00:28:33.280 changed because it had to change because I'd always thought of myself as a very giving person.

00:28:38.240 But in reality, it was more accurate to say that I was a receiving person.

00:28:42.640 Or some people would say I'm a taking person. But I received much more than I was giving in all

00:28:48.180 these relationships. And that astounded me. And it made me, on the one hand, feel kind of guilty

00:28:54.440 that I wasn't giving more or doing more. But on the other hand, it made me feel more cared for and

00:29:01.180 supported than I had ever felt in my entire life. This is when I was back in my early 30s. It's over 30

00:29:06.760 years ago now. And I think when we look at these two questions side by side, we begin to get a sense of

00:29:13.800 the balance or imbalance in our receiving and giving. And in situations where we're receiving

00:29:20.460 more, again, there's often this natural sense that I want to do something more for my wife. I want to do

00:29:28.060 something more for the community. I want to do something more for the planet, whatever it is that we're

00:29:33.020 kind of looking at. And it's not based on some commandment that I should be a better person and be

00:29:40.860 kinder to people. It's based on just a natural sense that arises in me that I want to do more

00:29:47.020 for others because I feel like my life has been so blessed. In conjunction, when you were talking

00:29:52.380 about this question, what have I given to, you quoted this article from like the 1940s, like Forbes

00:29:58.100 article. It's called Try Giving Yourself Away. And it's really, I've been thinking about it a lot since

00:30:02.880 I read about it. What's the big idea there? And how is it connected to this question of what have I

00:30:07.740 given to you? Well, it's an interesting article by this man kind of going back into the 40s where

00:30:15.000 he just really tries to look for opportunities for how he can do things when he's out and about,

00:30:22.600 how he can give things to other people, including just feedback or advice in situations where that's

00:30:28.380 called for. And he tells a lot of stories in that book. And I think that one of the things for me that

00:30:34.000 that really has gotten me to see is that even in situations where I'm making a special effort,

00:30:40.600 and I'll use the example of baking bread, even though I haven't done this for these people yet.

00:30:45.300 But let's say I, tomorrow I bake a loaf of sourdough bread for one of the people on the

00:30:50.080 dog park committee, and I deliver it over there. And I think, you know, that was kind of a nice

00:30:55.400 thing that I did. You know, they made this dog park, but at least I did something in return.

00:31:00.360 But here's this question of like, what did I receive in order to do that? Right? So I'm trying

00:31:07.140 to actually do something that's nice. I'm trying to respond to my natural sense that I want to

00:31:11.640 do something to help repay these people for what they did that has benefited me. But in order to do

00:31:17.960 that, I needed to get flour, I needed to have a baking board, I needed to have a good oven,

00:31:23.300 and I needed to have water, good fresh water for the bread and some salt, all those ingredients,

00:31:29.640 I actually needed to have sourdough starter, which was now that I think of it, as we're talking,

00:31:35.060 was a Christmas gift from my daughter from two years ago, I still have the same sourdough starter

00:31:39.900 that I've kept up for the past two years in the refrigerator. So that went into the bread.

00:31:43.920 And I began to see that even in my efforts to try to give something or do something for others to try

00:31:50.700 to give myself away, I'm dependent on all of these other people and things and forms of energy,

00:31:57.920 just to be able to do that. So I'm very humbled by that process. It really makes me feel very humbled

00:32:05.020 to think about that even in a situation where I'm doing something that seems kind and giving,

00:32:10.200 I have to receive so much to be able to do that. Yeah, it really shows the interdependence of

00:32:15.580 relationships. Yeah, and I think that interdependence, that principle, which is very

00:32:21.900 easy to comprehend intellectually, and exists, I think, in virtually every spiritual tradition in

00:32:29.500 the world. But when you actually do this kind of reflection, you start learning about how that's

00:32:35.460 working in a very mechanical way, in a very practical way in your day-to-day life.

00:32:39.980 And it's a very different thing, I think, to experience it practically than it is to just

00:32:45.220 consider it to be like, oh, this is a beautiful spiritual principle.

00:32:49.660 All right. So reflecting upon what have I received from and also in conjunction with what have I given

00:32:54.020 to, there's no endgame with this. With Nikon therapy, there's no goal that you're supposed to

00:33:01.520 do something. But one of the natural results is that you're maybe going to want to do more. You

00:33:05.000 maybe want to serve more or maybe just be more helpful, more useful to people. And I love in the

00:33:09.700 book, you give different suggestions on how you can do that. It doesn't have to be big,

00:33:13.400 an email of encouragement, a text of encouragement, picking up litter. I mean,

00:33:17.740 really small things. That serves its purpose.

00:33:21.100 You know, sometimes I'll get an email, and you probably have had this experience,

00:33:26.160 you get an email or even a short message just saying, you know, I really love what you're doing,

00:33:30.700 or I loved your show, or I loved your book, and it goes into a little bit of detail. And it makes

00:33:35.920 your day to get that kind of feedback. And you think about what was the cost of that to the

00:33:40.920 person who wrote it, you know, about maybe two minutes or three minutes of their time and pressing

00:33:45.700 the send button on their phone or computer. So, you know, we're capable of actually spreading a lot

00:33:51.420 of joy and happiness and gratitude in the world with, in many cases, a very small investment of our

00:33:58.020 energy.

00:33:59.340 Okay. So we talked about what have I received from? What have I given to? Let's talk about this

00:34:04.140 third question, which is, what troubles and difficulties did I cause blank? So what are

00:34:09.440 we doing with this question?

00:34:11.180 Well, this is the hardest question. And this is the question that people question most often,

00:34:17.380 because it's not a question that makes us usually feel good. And I often tell people that the process

00:34:23.040 of doing this kind of reflection is not a process that's designed to make us feel good. It's a process

00:34:29.620 designed to help us see the reality of our lives. And so we're looking at this question, you know,

00:34:35.540 how did I cause inconvenience, problems, troubles to my wife, to my daughter, to just other people

00:34:42.680 that I've been around for a certain period for the past day or the past month. And it's a difficult

00:34:47.980 question to look at. But the best example of why I think this is effective is I can go back to

00:34:54.340 studies that they did in Japan in the 1960s, where they use Nikon in the prison system over a period

00:35:00.520 of years. And they did research. And they had people who were in prison, who were convicted of

00:35:07.100 crimes, in some cases, serious crimes. They had people spend one week, just like you would in a

00:35:12.540 retreat, doing Nikon on their lives and going through their lives with all three of these questions,

00:35:17.540 including what trouble and difficulty did I cause? And you can imagine somebody, particularly if

00:35:22.220 they're a career or a lifelong criminal, what it would be like for them to actually just sit and

00:35:27.580 do nothing but think about all of the people who suffered as a result of the crimes and the criminal

00:35:34.360 activities that they had involved in their life. And what they found is they then looked at the

00:35:40.220 recidivism rate. And they found that in every prison that was doing this, the number of people after they

00:35:46.360 left prison that were rearrested was dramatically lower than with the people who hadn't gone through

00:35:53.040 this process of Nikon reflection. So again, it wasn't like it was attached to any moral commandment

00:35:59.400 that says when you get out of prison, we want you to be a good citizen. But this process itself just

00:36:05.000 influenced people to essentially make changes, significant changes in their lifestyle, once they had

00:36:11.060 really seen the difficulty and suffering that they've caused. And this the same kind of research exists

00:36:16.740 with people in Japan who are alcoholics, in terms of looking at how their drinking caused suffering and

00:36:22.200 difficulty to other people. So if we're willing to be honest and open to how we're causing problems and

00:36:29.600 difficulties, and it doesn't have to be the kind of things that you you would see if you were in the

00:36:35.160 Japanese mafia, it could just simply be I left my dirty dishes in the sink. And my wife, you know, ended up 0.95

00:36:40.740 washing them, or I left my socks on the floor in the bedroom, or I was, you know, half an hour late

00:36:46.560 for a lunch appointment, and the person had to wait for me. But when we see those things, we begin to put

00:36:52.400 ourselves in another person's shoes. What is it like for someone to be my colleague and have to work with

00:36:58.740 me? You know, what is it like for my wife to actually have to deal with me as her husband, or for my 0.98

00:37:04.720 daughter to have to be able to deal with me as her father? And some of the most, I would say, profound and

00:37:10.660 emotional reflections I've had, have really been doing this third question, and looking at people

00:37:17.480 I was very close to my family and close friends for years, and seeing essentially some of the,

00:37:24.640 you know, really selfish things that I have had done to cause trouble and difficulty to those people.

00:37:30.320 But I would argue that that's incredibly important. Because whether you see it or not,

00:37:36.080 it's part of a page of the book of your life that's already been written, right? So your choice

00:37:41.980 is really, do you want to be conscious about how you've lived your life? Or do you want to essentially

00:37:47.580 be blind to these elements of how you've lived your life? And I think we should, in the interest of

00:37:53.600 living a good life, and in the interest of our own kind of spiritual aspirations, we should try to be

00:37:59.500 more conscious of basically how we're living.

00:38:01.200 Yeah, and this question is useful, because as you said earlier, we tend to overlook the things that

00:38:05.340 we do. We tend to focus on what other people do that inconvenience us, right? The guy that cuts us

00:38:10.240 off, man, we're talking about it to our wife when we get home. This guy is such a jerk. But we tend to 1.00

00:38:14.720 overlook when we've done that in the past. And this question says, no, you do this stuff too. You got to

00:38:20.280 see reality for what it is. You cause inconvenience just like that guy who cuts you off.

00:38:24.220 Yeah, I think most of us have gotten a lot of practice and therefore developed a habit of

00:38:33.180 complaining about other people. And in some cases, whenever I think about it this way, I'm always

00:38:40.060 kind of surprised, but it's almost more natural when you get together, whether it's just with your

00:38:45.520 partner or your roommate or a group of friends for dinner, it's almost more natural to complain about

00:38:52.620 all the problems in your life than it is to talk about all the things that are going well,

00:38:57.380 or all the ways in which life is actually helping or supporting you. And so people often find that

00:39:04.720 if you work in an office setting with other people, that complaining is actually the norm

00:39:11.940 in that social experience. And if you were to go into the office and say, well, let me tell you what

00:39:17.620 happened to me on the way to work this morning. You know, first of all, my car started like the first

00:39:21.660 time. It's just, just amazing. I turned the key. It started right up and I looked at the gas gauge

00:39:26.780 and it was full. And apparently my husband must've filled it up with gas yesterday. And then I'm

00:39:31.700 driving down the road and traffic is backed up and there's this truck painting these yellow lines,

00:39:39.420 you know, on the road so that you know which lane you're in so that people don't crash into each other.

00:39:44.860 Isn't that fortunate that somebody's out there doing that? And if you said that people would look at you

00:39:49.960 like you're nuts, but if you go in and you just run off a litany of complaints about the traffic and

00:39:57.600 the news and the political situation, people just shake their head and agree with you. And then 0.98

00:40:02.440 they basically share their own experiences about those same things. So complaining has become much

00:40:08.840 of a norm in our social experience.

00:40:11.080 Right. This question helps you be less of a complainer. I mean, you even recommend that people

00:40:15.120 spend about 60% of the reflection when they're doing Nikon on this question.

00:40:19.780 Yeah. And that's really what was, I think, recommended to me in my own training in Japan

00:40:24.020 is that this is really of the three questions. This is really an important question because

00:40:29.100 it allows us to see ourselves, again, this idea of using a mirror in a way that we wouldn't

00:40:35.240 otherwise see. And when I, when I talk about the idea of putting ourselves in the other person's

00:40:40.860 shoes, this question, you know, what is it like for Linda to be married to me, that that process

00:40:45.600 of, of doing that psychologically is really the foundation of empathy. It's the foundation of

00:40:52.260 compassion. It's the foundation of understanding. So our ability to see things from the other person's

00:40:58.120 perspective, including ourselves is really one of the essential elements. I think of a healthy

00:41:04.080 relationship with anybody. So when we're working with or members of our family. So if we can do that,

00:41:09.560 we really increase the chances that we can, we can basically have healthy relationships

00:41:14.320 in our life as opposed to a conflict and, and kind of resentment towards others.

00:41:21.200 And how do we not let this exercise delve into self-loathing? Do you think, man,

00:41:24.820 I just, I'm, I inconvenience. I caused so many people, so many problems.

00:41:28.940 This, I'm a terrible person. Like, how do you avoid that?

00:41:32.180 Yeah. I think that it comes up a lot where I, particularly from therapists will say, well,

00:41:36.580 do we really want to have people who are already struggling, for instance, with depression or

00:41:41.860 anxiety, you know, looking at themselves and looking at like, in a way that just makes them

00:41:47.540 feel bad about themselves. But if we think about it, it's feeling guilty about specific actions or

00:41:55.000 specific conduct. Is that really a bad thing? I think it's a very, it's an actually a natural response

00:42:01.300 of compassion. When we look at something that we've done that has caused trouble to someone

00:42:06.720 to feel bad about that. I think that actually comes from a compassionate part of us. And I think

00:42:13.320 to not, to do something that has caused suffering and not feel bad about it is, is to some extent,

00:42:20.280 pathological. It's not really healthy. So the key thing is kind of in your question is,

00:42:26.360 we don't want to get caught up in that kind of self-loathing. What we want to do is use it as

00:42:32.460 information, as feedback from reality, for maybe how we can change our lives or make some changes in how

00:42:39.000 we're treating other people or in the way that we're living. And also, it's very humbling. You know,

00:42:44.060 I think that people who are successful, people who have written bestselling books and have successful

00:42:50.100 businesses and are CEOs, it's very hard for people who have any success in their life,

00:42:54.880 not to begin to feel a little bit arrogant or self-righteous or kind of above others.

00:43:01.380 And I think for people who are successful, looking at how they've caused trouble and difficulty and

00:43:06.680 problems to others on that path to success is actually very humbling and probably very good in

00:43:13.540 terms of helping them to stay away from going in the other direction, which is to get caught up in a

00:43:20.480 sense of self-righteousness and arrogance, right? It's the opposite of what you had mentioned

00:43:25.840 originally, which is getting caught in a state of looking at other people and thinking,

00:43:30.340 why can't that person just get their act together? Why are they messing up their lives like that?

00:43:35.320 So I think being humbled for many of us is actually a very healthy experience.

00:43:40.040 So the three questions again, what have I given to, what have I received from,

00:43:45.000 and what troubles and difficulties did I cause, fill in the blank? Can you imagine you just do

00:43:49.240 this on a daily basis? You can do this morning before you set out the door or at night before

00:43:53.520 you go to sleep.

00:43:54.580 Yes. I think that, you know, I mentioned just taking, again, six or seven minutes with my wife,

00:43:59.400 Linda, in the morning where we do this is just kind of part of our morning routine.

00:44:02.500 I think you can dedicate blocks of time to this in the same way that you dedicate time

00:44:08.580 to getting physical exercise by going running or going to the gym or working out in some way.

00:44:14.520 I think we have to dedicate time to self-reflection. If we don't do that,

00:44:18.900 it's very hard to have, I think, any balance in our life. Most people are very active and we're busy

00:44:24.840 people. Most of us are busy. You ask people, how are you? And they say, oh, I'm so busy. And we go from

00:44:29.240 one thing to another and we get to a point in our day where we say, okay, that's it. I'm done.

00:44:33.840 And then we shift from action to some kind of passivity, which could be looking at Facebook,

00:44:40.320 watching a movie, watching a sitcom, you know, surfing the internet, passive activities. And so

00:44:46.980 we have action and we have passiveness or passivity, but what's often missing from our life

00:44:53.380 is reflectivity, which is what we're really discussing today and actually building time into your day,

00:44:58.640 even if it's just for a few minutes before bed, first thing in the morning, to just be reflecting

00:45:03.940 on your life using this kind of method or even other methods that may lead you to the same type

00:45:10.820 of contemplative approach to your life. All right. So you can do Nikon daily. It doesn't take very long,

00:45:17.180 but you also in the book talk about, you can set aside periods, like special days where you just do

00:45:22.520 Nikon reflections, make it sort of a ritual. And one way you talked about, you can do that is using

00:45:28.880 the new year to do a sort of special Nikon reflection. So we're about to start a new year,

00:45:34.260 ending 2020, about to start 2021. How can folks modify Nikon so they can reflect on the year that's

00:45:41.820 passed and the one that's about to come? Well, it's a perfect time to actually be doing this

00:45:47.120 at the end of the year and going into a new year. And I encourage people to spend even a minimal

00:45:52.120 amount of time doing some type of reflection on the year before you get into setting your goals or

00:45:57.820 making resolutions. Because in every case, both personally and people I've worked with, when you

00:46:03.940 do that, it informs what you end up doing in terms of moving forward in your life. And I think that's

00:46:09.060 one of the real values of self-reflection is that doing this reflection informs moving forward in

00:46:15.100 your life. So for years, there was a woman in upstate New York that used to actually host an

00:46:20.000 event where people came sometimes from several hundred miles around. And we spent the last

00:46:25.100 eight hours of the year doing quiet self-reflection up until midnight on New Year's Eve. And then we kind

00:46:31.300 of toasted and had a nice meal together. But it's a great way to end the year. And this year where

00:46:35.940 people are less likely to have social engagements and New Year's Eve parties, I would really encourage

00:46:42.380 people to think about using that evening, New Year's evening, and just sitting back and doing

00:46:47.540 some reflection. And we actually have a booklet that I developed and have updated every year for

00:46:54.160 about the past 10 years called A Guide to New Year's Reflection. And if you think it's okay, Brett,

00:47:00.680 I'd be happy to give people an email address and we'd be happy to send them a link so that they can

00:47:06.720 download that and use that if they want to do some reflection on New Year's Eve. But it's a great way to

00:47:11.920 end the year. And it also offers you a different perception of the year. Most of us think,

00:47:16.620 oh, this year 2020, what a crazy, terrible year. Can't wait till the year is over. Get a fresh start

00:47:22.880 in the new year. But if you reflected, or at least for me personally, I found that there were some

00:47:28.240 really great moments and experiences of joy, great times that I really connected, for instance,

00:47:34.420 with my daughter who's been living with us during the lockdown and the pandemic period of time.

00:47:39.580 And there's a lot of positive things that happened in the year for me, even though

00:47:43.060 there was also a lot of losses. And so it gives me a much more balanced view of the year to kind

00:47:48.460 of look at it specifically using this kind of reflective process than just kind of my gut

00:47:53.560 sense of it being really a rotten year.

00:47:56.280 And then after you do that reflection, you can then start setting your goals for the new year

00:48:00.420 based on what you thought about.

00:48:02.620 Yeah, I think. And again, I teach a course in the beginning of the year, if it's okay to mention

00:48:06.680 this, called Living on Purpose, which is really designed to get people started off in the right

00:48:10.780 direction of the year. And it's really the idea of looking at, you know, how can I be very clear

00:48:17.260 about what's going to give my life meaning this year? You know, those are the things that I want to

00:48:22.600 elevate in terms of the energy that I'm going to put in. We have a certain amount of energy

00:48:27.160 that we're going to have available to us if we live a whole year from now. And we want to have

00:48:32.800 those things that are really going to be meaningful and important to us to get a lot of that energy.

00:48:38.200 And I think if we start thinking about it that way, the hard thing, of course, is sticking to it

00:48:42.400 once we kind of get going. And that's where the Merida therapy piece of this material comes in.

00:48:46.980 Once we're actually in the process of doing things and the taking action, we can shift into this other

00:48:52.800 mode of psychological support. But I think the idea is that there's a very natural process of

00:48:58.400 reflection and contemplation that leads to then redirecting our energy, our goals, and the things

00:49:06.500 that we want to achieve in the coming year. Well, Greg, this has been a great conversation.

00:49:10.340 Where can people go to learn more about the book Nikon and the rest of your work?

00:49:13.480 Well, we have a website that has a lot of our material up there. It's just called

00:49:18.700 30,000days.org. And it's just spelled, it's the words 30,000 days all together. And if people want

00:49:27.460 to send an email to us at the address t-o-d-o-to-do at totoinstitute.org, then we'll be glad to respond

00:49:36.440 and give you a link so that you can download this New Year's booklet. But you'll find a lot of

00:49:41.460 resources on our website. And I've been doing this for 30 years. And the reason that I've kind of

00:49:47.580 continued doing this for 30 years is because I really believe it's a great alternative to some

00:49:52.060 of the more traditional Western therapy and Western psychology that is really common in the US. And I

00:49:59.060 think for people who are inclined to look at approaches from the East, whether it be, you know,

00:50:05.660 acupuncture or yoga or Chinese medicine or martial arts, I think there's some great wisdom that we

00:50:11.320 can take in also in the area of psychology.

00:50:14.360 Well, Greg Creech, thanks for your time. It's been a pleasure and have a happy new year.

00:50:17.120 Well, thank you, Brad. It's been a pleasure talking to you and I hope you have a wonderful

00:50:20.520 new year and a great year next year.

00:50:22.120 My guest today was Greg Creech. He's the author of the book Nikon. It's available on amazon.com.

00:50:27.240 You can find out more information about his work at his website, Todo Institute, that's T-O-D-O

00:50:31.860 institute.com. Also check out our show notes at aom.is slash reflect, where you can find links

00:50:36.680 to resources, where you can delve deeper into this topic.

00:50:45.880 Well, that wraps up another edition of the AOM podcast. Check out our website at

00:50:49.500 art of manliness.com, where you can find our podcast archives, as well as thousands of articles

00:50:53.060 written over the years. And if you'd like to enjoy ad-free episodes of the AOM podcast,

00:50:56.380 you can do so on Stitcher Premium. Head over to stitcherpremium.com, sign up, use code manliness

00:51:00.740 at checkout for a free month trial. Once you're signed up, download the Stitcher app on Android

00:51:04.460 or iOS, and you can start enjoying ad-free episodes of the AOM podcast. And if you haven't

00:51:08.320 done so already, I'd appreciate if you take one minute to give us a review on Apple Podcasts

00:51:11.660 or Stitcher. It helps out a lot. If you've done that already, thank you. Please consider sharing

00:51:15.180 the show with a friend or family member who you would think would get something out of it.

00:51:17.960 As always, thank you for the continued support. Until next time, it's Brett McKay reminding

00:51:22.020 you not only listen to the AOM podcast, but put what you've heard into action.

The Art of Manliness - December 27, 2021

Begin the New Year by Reflecting on These 3 Life-Changing Questions [Rebroadcast]

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