The Art of Manliness - Episode #26： Being the Strong Man a Woman Wants With Elliot Katz

00:00:00.000 Welcome to another edition of the Art of Manliness podcast.

00:00:20.040 So what do women want in a man? 1.00

00:00:23.720 Is it sensitivity?

00:00:25.020 Is it being the bad boy?

00:00:26.200 You know, it can get really confusing because it seems like you read something different

00:00:30.320 each month in all the different men's magazines out there.

00:00:32.860 But our guest today thinks he knows exactly what women want in a man, and he's written 0.91

00:00:38.360 a book about it.

00:00:39.280 His name is Elliot Katz, and he's the author of the book, Being the Strong Man a Woman

00:00:43.300 Wants, Timeless Wisdom on Being a Man.

00:00:46.660 Mr. Katz is a professional speechwriter and author of seven nonfiction books ranging from

00:00:50.860 topics on travel to the economy.

00:00:52.620 And Elliot lives in Toronto, Canada.

00:00:56.160 And Elliot, welcome to the show.

00:00:58.120 Great to be here.

00:00:59.280 Well, thanks for being here.

00:01:00.980 So, Elliot, tell us what inspired you to write this book about what women want in a man?

00:01:07.080 Well, it really was my own journey, like many books of this type.

00:01:11.220 It's a person's own journey.

00:01:12.920 I was married for 10 years, then I got divorced.

00:01:15.920 And like a lot of people at first, I blame the other person, right?

00:01:18.540 It's all their fault.

00:01:19.900 And then you come to the point of thinking, well, what do I have to learn from this?

00:01:22.440 I don't want to go through this again.

00:01:24.420 And so I really set out on a journey of what does it mean to be a man, trying to learn what

00:01:29.120 it means to be a man.

00:01:30.040 And the first thing I learned was a lot of men are confused.

00:01:33.060 And you sort of talk to other men, you hear all these messages, you know, be sensitive,

00:01:37.760 don't be controlling, be a nice guy.

00:01:40.600 And it doesn't seem to be working.

00:01:42.600 We're trying our best to be so nice and so pleasing to women, and they don't seem to be happy.

00:01:48.940 And then I started reading books on relationships.

00:01:52.360 I read like a mountain of books, and they really didn't say anything to be.

00:01:55.260 What does it mean to be a man?

00:01:57.220 And it was only when I turned to the timeless insights that fathers and other older male

00:02:02.220 role models used to teach younger men about what it means to be a man that I was blown

00:02:06.100 away.

00:02:06.400 And the thing that really blew me away was that it coincided with what I heard women 1.00

00:02:10.700 complain as lacking in men today.

00:02:12.680 They don't show leadership, they don't make decisions, and they don't take responsibility.

00:02:17.320 There seems to be like this massive disconnect about men thinking, well, don't be controlling,

00:02:21.880 don't make any decisions, let her make all the decisions.

00:02:24.540 Yeah.

00:02:25.120 And women are so frustrated with men who can't make decisions. 1.00

00:02:28.840 Yeah, yeah.

00:02:29.720 So yeah, I mean, going back to your title, you know, it's called Being the Strong Man a

00:02:33.580 Woman Wants. 1.00

00:02:34.360 I mean, how did you know that, you know, what you suggest, you know, is what women 1.00

00:02:38.920 really want?

00:02:39.440 I mean, did you just talk to women?

00:02:41.020 Did you interview a bunch of them?

00:02:42.120 Or were you just kind of observations on what they talked to you about?

00:02:45.860 Well, I was just, I talked to a lot of women. 1.00

00:02:47.640 It wasn't like formal interviews, but just talking, because really, it was a journey.

00:02:51.040 I was trying to learn, and when you're trying to get answers to questions, you listen to

00:02:54.980 what people say.

00:02:56.160 And I remember hearing women, you know, who are successful in business, they'd say, you know, 1.00

00:03:00.140 I may be a boss at work, but when I'm with a man, I want to feel like a woman.

00:03:03.740 I want him to take charge.

00:03:05.660 And I couldn't count the number of single women who would tell me that when they go 1.00

00:03:09.100 in on a date, and, you know, they're just going out for a cup of coffee with the guy.

00:03:13.960 The guy can't even decide where to go for a cup of coffee.

00:03:16.080 He wants her to decide.

00:03:17.540 And then when they finally get to a place, he can't even choose a table to where to sit

00:03:21.820 he wants her to choose.

00:03:23.240 And I explained, you know, to the woman, she's looking at a man, you know, as a life partner

00:03:28.840 in life, as many challenges, crises, problems, we all know that.

00:03:32.220 And if you can't even decide where to go for a cup of coffee, it's not a good impression

00:03:38.040 at all.

00:03:38.780 Yeah, definitely.

00:03:39.480 It's always the, so what do you want to do type of conversation.

00:03:42.820 Right.

00:03:43.320 And you know what?

00:03:44.280 Women tell me they love a man, a man with a plan. 0.98

00:03:47.480 Yeah.

00:03:47.920 You know, if you ask a woman out, have a plan. 0.99

00:03:50.060 Say, you know, I made dinner reservations at this restaurant.

00:03:53.360 After that, we can go to a show.

00:03:55.440 I bought tickets for it.

00:03:56.580 I'll pick you up at six o'clock.

00:03:58.120 Please be ready.

00:03:58.840 They love it.

00:03:59.880 Yeah.

00:04:00.220 Not this.

00:04:01.020 Oh, you know, I've heard some of them will say, a guy calls, asks me out, would you like

00:04:06.100 to go out Saturday night?

00:04:06.860 Okay.

00:04:07.780 What would you like to do?

00:04:08.780 What time should I pick you up?

00:04:09.680 We laugh, but many men will argue with me that, yeah, no, that's good, because I'm

00:04:17.320 showing I'm flexible, I'm not controlling.

00:04:19.640 Yeah, yeah.

00:04:19.980 It's not about being controlling.

00:04:21.620 It's about showing leadership.

00:04:22.900 It's showing that you're, you know, when it comes to a marriage situation, the woman's 0.99

00:04:28.200 complaining that the man is oblivious.

00:04:29.660 You know, the man thinks, oh, you know, the home, the children are the woman's domain. 1.00

00:04:33.680 But to the woman, she feels like, what do I have here?

00:04:36.620 This guy's oblivious.

00:04:38.060 There's problems going on.

00:04:39.280 And he believes everything to me.

00:04:40.600 It's like this massive disconnect.

00:04:43.000 Yeah.

00:04:43.420 Yeah.

00:04:43.720 So, you know, you mentioned a few of those things, like what you think women are looking 0.99

00:04:47.640 for in a man.

00:04:49.160 So what do you think are the three biggest things that women are looking for in a man 1.00

00:04:54.260 today, but many men are lacking?

00:04:56.820 Well, it's those three things.

00:04:58.400 Leadership.

00:04:59.200 You know, what is leadership?

00:05:00.020 It's not being controlling.

00:05:01.180 It's really the opposite of being controlling.

00:05:03.660 It's, you know, a leader thinks about the greater good of his family, of his relationship,

00:05:08.200 of his wife.

00:05:10.080 He's being controlling as someone who is just, you know, just thinking about themselves,

00:05:16.380 you know, not thinking about anybody else.

00:05:18.220 Next thing is making decisions.

00:05:22.980 You know, so many, you know, there's lots of decisions, and there are many decisions that,

00:05:27.680 you know, the decision itself isn't that important, but a decision has to be made.

00:05:31.940 And if you just leave everything, every decision to your wife, it's very frustrating to her.

00:05:37.240 So she wants a man who can make decisions.

00:05:38.880 It doesn't mean you come home from work and say, oh, you know what, I've decided we're

00:05:42.200 going to move to Australia.

00:05:43.660 Yeah.

00:05:43.960 Now, obviously, major decisions have to be, you know, agreed upon, made together.

00:05:48.800 But so many things like, you know, what restaurant do you want to go to?

00:05:52.100 Like, if you're going out for dinner, you know, have a plan.

00:05:55.760 Think about a restaurant you'd like to go to.

00:05:57.220 Like, all these things, or making activities for the children, don't just leave everything

00:06:01.320 to her.

00:06:01.860 Like, participate.

00:06:03.660 Like, look into things.

00:06:05.000 Try to find solutions.

00:06:06.560 And the other thing is taking responsibility.

00:06:09.120 You know, so many men, especially I meet divorced men, they'll complain that, you know, all my

00:06:16.520 wife, she spent me broke, you know, it's all her fault, and, like, nobody has any sympathy

00:06:21.280 for them.

00:06:22.300 They don't understand, like, people expect a man to take responsibility.

00:06:25.380 You know, as much as we talk about gender equality, people expect that a man will take

00:06:30.480 responsibility.

00:06:31.300 If there's a problem going on, he will handle it.

00:06:34.420 You know, he'll take measures to put an end to it.

00:06:37.720 Nobody wants to hear a man say he's a victim of a woman.

00:06:40.140 It's a big, big turnoff.

00:06:42.160 So why do you think men today lack these traits, or has, you know, there's been a problem for

00:06:46.000 men for going back ages?

00:06:48.220 Right.

00:06:50.240 Well, I think, you know, a lot of people, they'll blame the feminists. 1.00

00:06:55.960 A lot of men, that's what they'll do, right?

00:06:57.300 They'll blame the feminists. 1.00

00:06:58.620 But really, I say to them, well, you know, a lot of feminists have these ideas, but why 0.99

00:07:04.440 did we as men not know that that's not how we should be as men?

00:07:07.660 And I think a lot of it really is, like, things, changes that happen in our society.

00:07:12.600 You know, a lot of men, a lot of boys that grew up with families without fathers, they

00:07:16.520 were, you know, divorced, or else their fathers worked long hours, and then they went to school,

00:07:21.600 and most teachers were women. 1.00

00:07:23.380 And they really didn't have a strong male role model.

00:07:26.000 And, you know, it really, and for that reason, and you know, it could blame the feminists, 1.00

00:07:33.240 but really, we weren't taught what, in previous generations, fathers and other older male role models

00:07:39.000 used to teach younger men.

00:07:40.940 Hmm.

00:07:41.340 So it's basically a lack of male mentorship.

00:07:45.100 I think so.

00:07:46.120 I think so.

00:07:46.520 I think, you know, I think your daily emails, I see that as, like, a male mentor to a lot of people.

00:07:52.960 Well, we hope it helps.

00:07:54.080 That's why we do it.

00:07:56.000 So, Elliot, you talk a lot in your book how women are looking for men to lead in a relationship,

00:08:01.720 and, you know, they're looking for a strong, you know, masculine presence in their life.

00:08:06.180 But it seems if you listen to pop culture, you know, it seems like the message is that

00:08:10.680 women are looking for the sensitive and soft, you know, new age guy. 1.00

00:08:14.420 You know, why do we have these contradict reviews?

00:08:17.880 It's a very good question.

00:08:19.480 You know, we see on TV, like, the way men are portrayed on TV.

00:08:22.640 I mean, that's another thing that influences young men, right? 1.00

00:08:26.000 The guys on TV, they're portrayed as buffoons and idiots. 1.00

00:08:29.500 You know, it's interesting. 1.00

00:08:31.100 I don't really know why, you know, there's so much of that in the media.

00:08:34.220 But the reality is, if you see, you know, men who are sensitive and develop that feminine side,

00:08:39.980 they really don't do well with women.

00:08:42.100 Like, they'll have a lot of women friends, and if they're interested in getting romantically involved with a woman,

00:08:46.300 that woman will say, well, you know, I see you're a nice guy.

00:08:48.680 I see you as a good friend.

00:08:49.900 I don't see you as someone I would get involved with, because really, it's almost like he's made himself one of the girls.

00:08:55.700 So that's all come from the media.

00:08:57.560 I just don't know why the media is putting out these bad ideas.

00:09:03.060 It's just, I think it's like gone to an extreme.

00:09:05.040 We have this image of men domineering, controlling.

00:09:08.460 And so they've gone to this other extreme, when really, it's really in the middle.

00:09:12.240 You know, nobody wants somebody domineering or controlling, but they don't want a total pushover either.

00:09:17.580 In some sense, it's a tragedy that so many men are getting ideas from television that are just not beneficial to them.

00:09:23.680 I just think, I mean, if you go back to the 1950s and 60s, there were shows like Father Knows Best and Leave it to Beaver.

00:09:29.300 You know, they were kind of idyllic and not really realistic.

00:09:32.620 But still, Father Knows Best, there was a problem.

00:09:35.020 The father came home.

00:09:36.240 He showed leadership.

00:09:36.980 He dealt with a problem. 0.87

00:09:38.600 He wasn't a buffoon. 0.99

00:09:39.660 He wasn't an idiot. 0.99

00:09:41.360 It's, you know, things have just changed. 0.99

00:09:43.940 It's gone too far to the other extreme.

00:09:46.140 Yeah.

00:09:46.960 We're going to take a quick break for your word from our sponsors.

00:09:50.060 And now back to the show.

00:09:51.900 All right.

00:09:52.120 So what advice do you have for a man who feels like he's constantly getting head-pecked by his wife?

00:10:00.180 You know, he feels like his wife's totally dominating the relationship, that he doesn't really have a say.

00:10:03.940 Is there any timeless wisdom from the ages that a man can use for that situation?

00:10:10.060 Well, it's a common situation.

00:10:12.200 So what I tell men is show leadership.

00:10:14.940 But I'll tell you what, first, what not to do.

00:10:16.820 Don't.

00:10:17.020 If, you know, your wife has been making all the decisions, and you start saying, well, I'm going to show her I'm the leader.

00:10:22.700 I'm going to make this.

00:10:23.520 You know, she says we're going to do this.

00:10:24.900 I'm going to say we're going to do the complete opposite.

00:10:26.700 And, you know, I'm the leader.

00:10:28.020 We're not doing that.

00:10:28.860 We're going to do the complete opposite.

00:10:30.040 I said, well, that's just going to cause more conflict because you're undermining her, and it's, like, out of the blue.

00:10:36.300 So what I tell men is look for situations in your home and your family that need to be dealt.

00:10:40.900 Look for problems.

00:10:41.740 Look for, you know, things that are not being done that, you know, that she's not doing, that she just doesn't have the time to do, or something with the kids.

00:10:49.640 And show leadership.

00:10:50.600 Step forward and find a solution and implement it.

00:10:53.280 And at first she might be kind of shocked that, like, you know, she's taken aback that you're actually doing something.

00:10:58.900 But just keep doing it.

00:10:59.880 Look for more problems, more situations.

00:11:01.620 Then you'll be her hero because that's what she wants.

00:11:04.000 She wants somebody who's stepping forward and handling things.

00:11:06.460 She's frustrated with men who just leave everything to her.

00:11:10.200 You know, that's, like I said at the beginning, that's the amazing thing.

00:11:13.480 Like, men think, you know, I'm being this nice, non-controlling, sensitive guy.

00:11:17.880 I'm leaving her to make the decisions.

00:11:19.780 But really, she's totally frustrated with that.

00:11:21.520 She wants a guy who's going to make decisions.

00:11:23.280 I've talked to so many women. 0.81

00:11:24.620 They say, yeah, we want men who can make decisions. 0.90

00:11:27.060 We don't want to make all the decisions.

00:11:28.460 We don't want to be dominated.

00:11:29.800 We don't want this passive, oblivious guy who's just leaving everything to us.

00:11:35.260 Yeah.

00:11:35.860 So, Elliot, you mentioned in the intro, and, you know, the name of your, title of your book also has this,

00:11:40.840 that, you know, you went to, like, wisdom from the ages, going back, you know, centuries,

00:11:47.060 sometimes millennia, to get your advice on what it means to be a man.

00:11:50.580 And so, who are some of the people that you encounter, or some of the men you encounter,

00:11:54.740 that had some really good things to say on what it means to be a man?

00:11:58.640 Well, you know, the interesting thing is, one of the first that comes to mind,

00:12:03.600 who really sort of, when I read his book, really changed me around with Dr. Benjamin Spock, right?

00:12:09.700 He wrote the book on parenting.

00:12:12.140 It was one of the best-selling books of the 20th century.

00:12:15.420 And he wrote, like, he wrote, it's amazing.

00:12:17.820 I mean, you're familiar with Dr. Spock?

00:12:19.760 Yeah, definitely.

00:12:20.500 He was, during his time, people considered him very permissive.

00:12:24.560 You know, he was against the Vietnam War, and people said, oh, you know,

00:12:28.660 but today, if you read his book, he would say he's, like, middle of the road,

00:12:33.120 or even slightly to the right of the middle of the road,

00:12:35.900 because he said, and he said the biggest complaint he heard from women 1.00

00:12:39.980 is that their husbands don't show their share of leadership at home.

00:12:44.220 And when I read that, I said, oh, like, I was blown away,

00:12:48.320 because I never really thought of that.

00:12:49.540 You know, here I'm on this journey trying to learn what I had, you know,

00:12:52.360 what I needed to learn to be a better man in a relationship.

00:12:54.940 And he said that, and it was really, it sort of turned me around.

00:12:59.160 I said, well, I have to go find out what leadership means.

00:13:02.280 And he says, he says, it's like training the children, guiding, managing them.

00:13:07.480 It's being, you know, not just a friend.

00:13:10.320 He says, you know, you don't see yourself as your child's friend.

00:13:13.520 Your child will have many friends.

00:13:14.940 He only has one father.

00:13:17.920 It really, it was really that reading, that was one thing I read that just turned me around,

00:13:22.780 and just turned my whole way of looking at things around.

00:13:25.460 It's amazing to think how far, you know, we've come from that today.

00:13:30.560 Yeah.

00:13:30.940 And one interesting thing about your book, Elliot, is the format you decided to put it in.

00:13:36.080 It is a how-to, I guess, book, dispensing advice,

00:13:40.740 but it's not written the typical nonfiction format.

00:13:45.680 It's actually a narrative.

00:13:46.580 Why did you choose to go with kind of a fictional story to, you know, dispense this advice you have for men?

00:13:53.580 Well, I wrote that in the form of a story of a grandfather teaching his grandson these insights.

00:14:00.560 And it's almost to show that these teachings missed a generation.

00:14:06.600 Like the grandson didn't learn it from his father,

00:14:08.520 so he goes to his grandfather because that's a connection with this timeless wisdom that's been passed on from generation to generation.

00:14:17.040 And it really shows that, you know, so many of the problems that men face today,

00:14:21.460 like I know I felt this way.

00:14:22.740 I thought, nobody's gone through this.

00:14:24.500 I'm the only one in the world.

00:14:25.680 Like, this is craziness, you know, that I'm going through with, you know, during my marriage.

00:14:30.340 And then he, like, his grandfather, I don't know that, you know, men have been going through this for hundreds of years, thousands of years.

00:14:36.380 And he quotes somebody that, you know, from a thousand years ago that said something.

00:14:40.520 And he said, wow, like it's so fresh as if it's written today,

00:14:44.280 and yet it was written, like, hundreds of years ago or thousands of years ago.

00:14:47.700 To really realize this is what it means to be a man.

00:14:50.660 Men have to learn these things.

00:14:52.380 They have to learn leadership.

00:14:54.300 They can't just be passive-oblivious and let things go on and then complain.

00:14:58.180 Nobody has any sympathy for them.

00:15:00.220 It's really stepping forward, taking charge, dealing with situations, really being the man who's a leader of the home, you know.

00:15:07.440 And that's what women want. 1.00

00:15:08.700 They don't want these passive guys.

00:15:10.540 I mean, you know, I meet many single women today. 1.00

00:15:14.060 And, you know, there's a lot of single adults today in their 30s, 40s, 50s,

00:15:18.360 and especially women who are complaining about the lack of quality men.

00:15:22.640 And what do they say about the men?

00:15:25.480 That they seem oblivious.

00:15:26.680 They seem, like, so passive.

00:15:28.480 They don't see them as partners, like someone who is going to be a man in a relationship with them.

00:15:35.600 Yeah.

00:15:35.940 So, like, what do you think men can do to become the strong man that women want?

00:15:42.840 What can they do today?

00:15:44.840 Well, the first thing is to catch yourself.

00:15:46.780 You know, when you start falling back into your old patterns of, you know, you're going out with a girl.

00:15:51.060 You say, oh, where would I like to go to eat?

00:15:52.820 Like, think.

00:15:53.260 Like, just simple steps.

00:15:54.920 Start with those things.

00:15:56.320 Don't ask you where you'd like to go eat.

00:15:58.560 Think about it.

00:15:59.320 Think about a place you would have both enjoyed doing.

00:16:01.620 I remember talking to one fellow.

00:16:03.380 He says, I guess I mean, you know, I was just going to call my girlfriend and say, make some plans for this weekend.

00:16:08.020 I said, no, why don't you make some plans?

00:16:10.300 Be a man with a plan.

00:16:11.180 And really extend that to other things.

00:16:15.260 You know, like, if you're in a relationship, you see situations that need to be dealt with.

00:16:19.020 Don't just leave it to her.

00:16:20.480 Step forward and deal with it.

00:16:21.820 You know, if you're married and living in a home, you see things in the home that need to be done.

00:16:26.720 Step forward.

00:16:27.360 Take charge.

00:16:28.000 You know, like so many men, they just think, well, I'll just do whatever my wife tells me to do.

00:16:32.520 No, I take, you know, and I'm such a great husband.

00:16:34.860 I, you know, wash the dishes.

00:16:36.380 I take the garbage out.

00:16:37.400 I, I mow the lawn.

00:16:38.900 I change diapers.

00:16:39.900 I give the kids baths.

00:16:40.760 And that's great.

00:16:41.320 It's great, you know, to do all those things.

00:16:43.320 But it's almost like you're the nanny.

00:16:45.220 You got to step forward and say, what are the situations here that need to be dealt with?

00:16:48.420 What are the decisions that have to be made?

00:16:50.320 Like, what is going on?

00:16:51.380 Like, and be the leader.

00:16:52.780 Really, women really want that. 1.00

00:16:55.040 It's, it's over and over.

00:16:56.780 Women are telling me this is what they want. 1.00

00:16:58.420 And when they can find a man like that, they're happy.

00:17:01.540 Excellent.

00:17:02.160 Well, Elliot, thank you for your time.

00:17:03.460 It's been a pleasure.

00:17:04.860 It's been great talking to you, Brent.

00:17:06.680 Our guest today was Elliot Katz.

00:17:08.760 Elliot is the author of the book, Being the Strong Man a Woman Wants, Timeless Wisdom on Being a Man.

00:17:14.360 And you can pick up Elliot's book at Amazon.com.

00:17:21.160 Well, that wraps up another edition of the Art of Manliness podcast.

00:17:25.620 For more manly tips and advice, make sure to check out the Art of Manliness website at artofmanliness.com.

00:17:31.180 And until next time, stay manly.

00:17:34.860 Anne de St.

00:17:35.860 Louince.

00:17:36.500 What we have.

00:17:36.840 Oh, man.

00:17:37.800 Bye-bye.

00:17:39.140 Bye-bye.

00:17:45.080 Thank you.

00:17:45.300 Bye-bye.

00:17:46.180 Bye-bye.

00:17:46.720 Bye-bye.

00:17:47.420 Bye-bye.

00:17:48.100 Bye-bye.

00:17:53.240 Bye-bye.

00:17:54.080 Bye-bye.

00:17:54.940 That's it.

00:17:55.440 Bye-bye.

00:17:55.820 Bye-bye.

00:17:56.220 Bye-bye.

00:17:57.020 Bye-bye.

00:17:57.680 Bye-bye.

00:17:58.040 Bye-bye.

00:17:58.480 Bye-bye.

00:17:59.300 Bye-bye.

00:18:00.960 Bye-bye.

00:18:01.220 Bye-bye.

00:18:01.720 Bye-bye.

The Art of Manliness - April 04, 2014

Episode #26： Being the Strong Man a Woman Wants With Elliot Katz

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Summary

Transcript