Episode #26： Being the Strong Man a Woman Wants With Elliot Katz
Episode Stats
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Summary
Elliot Katz is a professional speechwriter and author of seven nonfiction books ranging from travel to the economy. He lives in Toronto, Canada, and Elliot tells us what inspired him to write Being the Strong Man a Woman Wants: Timeless Wisdom on Being a Man.
Transcript
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Welcome to another edition of the Art of Manliness podcast.
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You know, it can get really confusing because it seems like you read something different
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each month in all the different men's magazines out there.
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But our guest today thinks he knows exactly what women want in a man, and he's written
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His name is Elliot Katz, and he's the author of the book, Being the Strong Man a Woman
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Mr. Katz is a professional speechwriter and author of seven nonfiction books ranging from
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So, Elliot, tell us what inspired you to write this book about what women want in a man?
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Well, it really was my own journey, like many books of this type.
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I was married for 10 years, then I got divorced.
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And like a lot of people at first, I blame the other person, right?
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And then you come to the point of thinking, well, what do I have to learn from this?
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And so I really set out on a journey of what does it mean to be a man, trying to learn what
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And the first thing I learned was a lot of men are confused.
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And you sort of talk to other men, you hear all these messages, you know, be sensitive,
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We're trying our best to be so nice and so pleasing to women, and they don't seem to be happy.
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And then I started reading books on relationships.
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I read like a mountain of books, and they really didn't say anything to be.
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And it was only when I turned to the timeless insights that fathers and other older male
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role models used to teach younger men about what it means to be a man that I was blown
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And the thing that really blew me away was that it coincided with what I heard women
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They don't show leadership, they don't make decisions, and they don't take responsibility.
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There seems to be like this massive disconnect about men thinking, well, don't be controlling,
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don't make any decisions, let her make all the decisions.
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And women are so frustrated with men who can't make decisions.
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So yeah, I mean, going back to your title, you know, it's called Being the Strong Man a
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I mean, how did you know that, you know, what you suggest, you know, is what women
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Or were you just kind of observations on what they talked to you about?
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It wasn't like formal interviews, but just talking, because really, it was a journey.
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I was trying to learn, and when you're trying to get answers to questions, you listen to
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And I remember hearing women, you know, who are successful in business, they'd say, you know,
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I may be a boss at work, but when I'm with a man, I want to feel like a woman.
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And I couldn't count the number of single women who would tell me that when they go
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in on a date, and, you know, they're just going out for a cup of coffee with the guy.
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The guy can't even decide where to go for a cup of coffee.
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And then when they finally get to a place, he can't even choose a table to where to sit
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And I explained, you know, to the woman, she's looking at a man, you know, as a life partner
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in life, as many challenges, crises, problems, we all know that.
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And if you can't even decide where to go for a cup of coffee, it's not a good impression
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It's always the, so what do you want to do type of conversation.
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Women tell me they love a man, a man with a plan.
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Say, you know, I made dinner reservations at this restaurant.
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Oh, you know, I've heard some of them will say, a guy calls, asks me out, would you like
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We laugh, but many men will argue with me that, yeah, no, that's good, because I'm
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It's showing that you're, you know, when it comes to a marriage situation, the woman's
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You know, the man thinks, oh, you know, the home, the children are the woman's domain.
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But to the woman, she feels like, what do I have here?
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So, you know, you mentioned a few of those things, like what you think women are looking
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So what do you think are the three biggest things that women are looking for in a man
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It's, you know, a leader thinks about the greater good of his family, of his relationship,
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He's being controlling as someone who is just, you know, just thinking about themselves,
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You know, so many, you know, there's lots of decisions, and there are many decisions that,
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you know, the decision itself isn't that important, but a decision has to be made.
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And if you just leave everything, every decision to your wife, it's very frustrating to her.
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It doesn't mean you come home from work and say, oh, you know what, I've decided we're
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Now, obviously, major decisions have to be, you know, agreed upon, made together.
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But so many things like, you know, what restaurant do you want to go to?
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Like, if you're going out for dinner, you know, have a plan.
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Like, all these things, or making activities for the children, don't just leave everything
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You know, so many men, especially I meet divorced men, they'll complain that, you know, all my
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wife, she spent me broke, you know, it's all her fault, and, like, nobody has any sympathy
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They don't understand, like, people expect a man to take responsibility.
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You know, as much as we talk about gender equality, people expect that a man will take
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If there's a problem going on, he will handle it.
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You know, he'll take measures to put an end to it.
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Nobody wants to hear a man say he's a victim of a woman.
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So why do you think men today lack these traits, or has, you know, there's been a problem for
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Well, I think, you know, a lot of people, they'll blame the feminists.
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But really, I say to them, well, you know, a lot of feminists have these ideas, but why
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did we as men not know that that's not how we should be as men?
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And I think a lot of it really is, like, things, changes that happen in our society.
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You know, a lot of men, a lot of boys that grew up with families without fathers, they
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were, you know, divorced, or else their fathers worked long hours, and then they went to school,
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And they really didn't have a strong male role model.
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And, you know, it really, and for that reason, and you know, it could blame the feminists,
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but really, we weren't taught what, in previous generations, fathers and other older male role models
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I think, you know, I think your daily emails, I see that as, like, a male mentor to a lot of people.
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So, Elliot, you talk a lot in your book how women are looking for men to lead in a relationship,
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and, you know, they're looking for a strong, you know, masculine presence in their life.
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But it seems if you listen to pop culture, you know, it seems like the message is that
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women are looking for the sensitive and soft, you know, new age guy.
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You know, why do we have these contradict reviews?
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You know, we see on TV, like, the way men are portrayed on TV.
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I mean, that's another thing that influences young men, right?
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The guys on TV, they're portrayed as buffoons and idiots.
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I don't really know why, you know, there's so much of that in the media.
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But the reality is, if you see, you know, men who are sensitive and develop that feminine side,
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Like, they'll have a lot of women friends, and if they're interested in getting romantically involved with a woman,
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that woman will say, well, you know, I see you're a nice guy.
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I don't see you as someone I would get involved with, because really, it's almost like he's made himself one of the girls.
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I just don't know why the media is putting out these bad ideas.
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It's just, I think it's like gone to an extreme.
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We have this image of men domineering, controlling.
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And so they've gone to this other extreme, when really, it's really in the middle.
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You know, nobody wants somebody domineering or controlling, but they don't want a total pushover either.
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In some sense, it's a tragedy that so many men are getting ideas from television that are just not beneficial to them.
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I just think, I mean, if you go back to the 1950s and 60s, there were shows like Father Knows Best and Leave it to Beaver.
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You know, they were kind of idyllic and not really realistic.
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But still, Father Knows Best, there was a problem.
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We're going to take a quick break for your word from our sponsors.
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So what advice do you have for a man who feels like he's constantly getting head-pecked by his wife?
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You know, he feels like his wife's totally dominating the relationship, that he doesn't really have a say.
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Is there any timeless wisdom from the ages that a man can use for that situation?
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If, you know, your wife has been making all the decisions, and you start saying, well, I'm going to show her I'm the leader.
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I'm going to say we're going to do the complete opposite.
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I said, well, that's just going to cause more conflict because you're undermining her, and it's, like, out of the blue.
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So what I tell men is look for situations in your home and your family that need to be dealt.
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Look for, you know, things that are not being done that, you know, that she's not doing, that she just doesn't have the time to do, or something with the kids.
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Step forward and find a solution and implement it.
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And at first she might be kind of shocked that, like, you know, she's taken aback that you're actually doing something.
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Then you'll be her hero because that's what she wants.
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She wants somebody who's stepping forward and handling things.
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She's frustrated with men who just leave everything to her.
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You know, that's, like I said at the beginning, that's the amazing thing.
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Like, men think, you know, I'm being this nice, non-controlling, sensitive guy.
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But really, she's totally frustrated with that.
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They say, yeah, we want men who can make decisions.
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We don't want this passive, oblivious guy who's just leaving everything to us.
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So, Elliot, you mentioned in the intro, and, you know, the name of your, title of your book also has this,
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that, you know, you went to, like, wisdom from the ages, going back, you know, centuries,
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sometimes millennia, to get your advice on what it means to be a man.
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And so, who are some of the people that you encounter, or some of the men you encounter,
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that had some really good things to say on what it means to be a man?
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Well, you know, the interesting thing is, one of the first that comes to mind,
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who really sort of, when I read his book, really changed me around with Dr. Benjamin Spock, right?
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It was one of the best-selling books of the 20th century.
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He was, during his time, people considered him very permissive.
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You know, he was against the Vietnam War, and people said, oh, you know,
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but today, if you read his book, he would say he's, like, middle of the road,
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or even slightly to the right of the middle of the road,
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because he said, and he said the biggest complaint he heard from women
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is that their husbands don't show their share of leadership at home.
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And when I read that, I said, oh, like, I was blown away,
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You know, here I'm on this journey trying to learn what I had, you know,
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what I needed to learn to be a better man in a relationship.
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And he said that, and it was really, it sort of turned me around.
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I said, well, I have to go find out what leadership means.
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And he says, he says, it's like training the children, guiding, managing them.
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He says, you know, you don't see yourself as your child's friend.
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It really, it was really that reading, that was one thing I read that just turned me around,
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and just turned my whole way of looking at things around.
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It's amazing to think how far, you know, we've come from that today.
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And one interesting thing about your book, Elliot, is the format you decided to put it in.
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It is a how-to, I guess, book, dispensing advice,
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but it's not written the typical nonfiction format.
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Why did you choose to go with kind of a fictional story to, you know, dispense this advice you have for men?
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Well, I wrote that in the form of a story of a grandfather teaching his grandson these insights.
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And it's almost to show that these teachings missed a generation.
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Like the grandson didn't learn it from his father,
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so he goes to his grandfather because that's a connection with this timeless wisdom that's been passed on from generation to generation.
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And it really shows that, you know, so many of the problems that men face today,
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Like, this is craziness, you know, that I'm going through with, you know, during my marriage.
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And then he, like, his grandfather, I don't know that, you know, men have been going through this for hundreds of years, thousands of years.
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And he quotes somebody that, you know, from a thousand years ago that said something.
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And he said, wow, like it's so fresh as if it's written today,
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and yet it was written, like, hundreds of years ago or thousands of years ago.
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To really realize this is what it means to be a man.
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They can't just be passive-oblivious and let things go on and then complain.
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It's really stepping forward, taking charge, dealing with situations, really being the man who's a leader of the home, you know.
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I mean, you know, I meet many single women today.
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And, you know, there's a lot of single adults today in their 30s, 40s, 50s,
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and especially women who are complaining about the lack of quality men.
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They don't see them as partners, like someone who is going to be a man in a relationship with them.
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So, like, what do you think men can do to become the strong man that women want?
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You know, when you start falling back into your old patterns of, you know, you're going out with a girl.
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Think about a place you would have both enjoyed doing.
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He says, I guess I mean, you know, I was just going to call my girlfriend and say, make some plans for this weekend.
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You know, like, if you're in a relationship, you see situations that need to be dealt with.
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You know, if you're married and living in a home, you see things in the home that need to be done.
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You know, like so many men, they just think, well, I'll just do whatever my wife tells me to do.
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No, I take, you know, and I'm such a great husband.
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You got to step forward and say, what are the situations here that need to be dealt with?
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And when they can find a man like that, they're happy.
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Elliot is the author of the book, Being the Strong Man a Woman Wants, Timeless Wisdom on Being a Man.
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And you can pick up Elliot's book at Amazon.com.
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Well, that wraps up another edition of the Art of Manliness podcast.
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For more manly tips and advice, make sure to check out the Art of Manliness website at artofmanliness.com.