The Art of Manliness - Flying, Hosting, Regifting, and More — All Your Holiday Etiquette Questions Answered

00:00:00.000 Brett McKay here, and welcome to another edition of the Art of Manliness podcast.

00:00:11.460 In an age where a lot of formalized decorum has vanished, the holidays are still a time

00:00:15.720 with rules, traditions, and unspoken expectations.

00:00:19.420 It's also a time of heightened social interactions and increased opportunities to demonstrate

00:00:23.580 warmth, hospitality, and all-around gentlemanly politeness.

00:00:27.260 Here to help us navigate the many scenarios for practicing good etiquette that the holidays

00:00:31.160 present is Thomas Farley, a.k.a. Mr. Manners.

00:00:34.920 Today on the show, Thomas shares the neglected aspects of flying etiquette, how to be a non-annoying

00:00:39.500 houseguest, the paradoxes of party arrival punctuality, whether a dinner party host should

00:00:44.560 accommodate the special dietary restrictions of guests, how to get lingering guests out

00:00:48.480 of your home after a party, how to best navigate an office holiday party, the rules of regifting,

00:00:54.100 guidelines for holiday tipping, and much more.

00:00:56.180 After the show's over, check out our show notes at awim.is slash holidayetiquette.

00:01:11.900 All right, Thomas Farley, welcome back to the show.

00:01:15.280 Brett, it's great to be here.

00:01:16.660 Thanks for having me on.

00:01:17.720 So you are Mr. Manners.

00:01:19.560 You're an etiquette expert.

00:01:20.880 We had you on last year to talk about etiquette and manners in general.

00:01:24.300 I wanted to bring you back on because it's the holiday season and with the holiday season,

00:01:29.480 there's a lot of opportunities to practice good etiquette.

00:01:32.900 There's traveling, being a guest in someone's home, holiday parties, gifting, tipping.

00:01:38.340 So we're going to just dig into holiday manners and etiquette.

00:01:41.440 So let's start off with traveling for the holidays and we're going to talk about two ever burning

00:01:45.480 questions of travel related etiquette.

00:01:48.380 The first one is if you're flying on a plane, who gets the armrest in the middle seat of an

00:01:52.500 airplane and then the second one, when is it okay to recline your seat?

00:01:57.400 Well, I am so glad and I'm hoping, Brett, I know you've got a great listenership that

00:02:01.900 we can put this issue to rest once and for all.

00:02:05.120 As someone who very often gets stuck in coach and sadly will often be in the middle seat,

00:02:11.760 the middle seat passenger really is the one who not only needs but all out requires those

00:02:18.620 double armrests. So left and right armrest if you're sitting in a three-seater row.

00:02:23.360 And the reason for this is, of course, the person on the aisle has a guarantee of at least one

00:02:27.940 armrest. The person on the window has not just the window, but their right armrest.

00:02:32.120 So it is the kind thing to do and I think the right thing to do.

00:02:36.620 We do safety videos on airlines, but I wish they would also do etiquette videos because

00:02:40.380 I think this is an area of a lot of debate. People feel, well, the armrest is there.

00:02:45.020 I should be entitled to it. And I'm 6'1". I can't tell you between the people reclining

00:02:51.000 in front of me, the people taking both armrests if I'm in the middle seat. It just takes an

00:02:56.020 already difficult and challenging experience, which is air travel, and makes it even that

00:03:00.780 much worse. So both armrests to the middle seat passenger. 0.99

00:03:04.660 All right. Agree. Okay. What about reclining your seat?

00:03:08.400 Yeah. Reclining is a little bit trickier. Of course, it depends on what class of the cabin

00:03:13.860 you're sitting in, but presuming that you're seated in perhaps a low frills airline with

00:03:19.400 very tight pitch. And we know, and all the statistics bear out, that the airlines have

00:03:24.460 been gradually reducing the amount of leg room for all of their classes of cabin. I think

00:03:29.940 it's important if you need to recline that you wait until the appropriate time to do so.

00:03:36.080 So in other words, not during meal service where coffee might spill onto someone's lap if

00:03:40.860 you suddenly recline and to wait for the appropriate time during the flight. So if this is a red 0.90

00:03:47.180 eye where most of the plane is going to be attempting to get some sleep, reclining would

00:03:51.780 be a far more commonplace thing and an understandable thing than these people who the second the plane

00:03:58.020 reaches 30,000 feet and that light has gone off, people are craning back in their seat to

00:04:03.440 the fullest extent. And what I don't like about it, it creates this domino effect. You've

00:04:08.420 now crashed into my knees. I've now got no choice, but do the same to the person behind me.

00:04:13.200 So the considerate thing to do really is to, if possible, kind of look over your shoulder and just

00:04:19.180 indicate to the person behind you that you're about to ease back into a recline rather than just going

00:04:24.900 for it and catching them by surprise. Okay. I love it. Any other points of travel related

00:04:30.160 etiquette people could use refresher on? You know, something, and I travel quite a lot,

00:04:35.660 Brett, you know, as I think, you know, I do workshops around the country. So I'm constantly

00:04:39.540 in and out of airports. I live in New York. I feel like LaGuardia is my second home as my point

00:04:45.060 of departure. Something I see quite a lot, and it really gets me every time, is an airline boarding

00:04:51.660 process where they'll announce, you know, now boarding group one, now boarding group two. And it seems like

00:04:57.740 the entire population of that particular flight is crowding around the gate. And there's this term for

00:05:03.080 this, which I don't know if you've heard, called gate lice. And although I don't love it, it's kind

00:05:08.300 of a not very pleasant image. But this idea that people are kind of creeping out around the gate

00:05:14.000 and not waiting for their gate to be called. So I believe American Airlines, in fact, has just

00:05:19.620 introduced a new policy where they're going to be able to screen for that. And someone who tries to

00:05:25.100 board their flight before their actual boarding group has been called will be turned away. And I think

00:05:29.800 that's good. I get it. These gates are small, especially in the older airports. There's not

00:05:33.500 always so much room. People are really concerned about getting their carry-on bags into the overhead

00:05:38.780 bins and not having to gate check them. But this idea that everybody forms this scrum around the gate,

00:05:44.540 I think it's this me first mentality, which I really dislike.

00:05:50.620 What do you think about how to dress when you fly?

00:05:53.300 This is a question I get quite a lot, especially for perhaps older business travelers will say,

00:05:58.960 I remember the days when women wore dresses and men wore hats to go flying. I think that nostalgia 1.00

00:06:06.780 is perhaps a lovely thing to recall. But I think we also have to recall that the reality is air

00:06:13.300 travel is not what it was in the 1950s or 60s. As I've said, seats are smaller, tighter. We're being

00:06:19.300 all but strip searched as we go through TSA. We're taking off our belts. We're taking off our hats and

00:06:24.560 coats. Our luggage is being rifled through. So the idea that people want to be comfortable when

00:06:30.880 they fly, I get that. But I do think that there's a bare minimum standard, which unfortunately has been

00:06:38.620 breached. When you see people all out wearing pajamas, I mean, literally pajamas on flights, they're showing

00:06:45.040 up in slippers, they're showing up in pajama pants. I think that's really unfortunate. If you look like you just 0.98

00:06:50.000 tumbled out of bed, no matter how early your flight is, I think it's important to put in just a little

00:06:54.700 bit of extra effort. And as we know, the anecdotal evidence is that if you're hoping for an upgrade,

00:07:00.940 your chances of getting an upgrade are going to be far better if you're well-dressed when you show up.

00:07:04.940 So I, as a business traveler, I like to bring my best because you never know who you might be seated

00:07:09.900 next to, a business connection you might make, even in coach. But I think to expect everyone to dress

00:07:15.540 like they used to 30, 40, 50 years ago, I think that's, that ship has sailed and it doesn't bother

00:07:21.940 me terribly as long as people dress respectfully of their fellow passengers. All right. So casual's

00:07:27.660 fine. Just look put together. That's right. Is the key. Another thing that I, sort of my approach to

00:07:33.780 travel etiquette is when I'm moving through airport security, when I'm in the car rental line,

00:07:38.920 I just, I try to like know what I'm doing in general, like make sure that the process runs smoothly.

00:07:44.700 You know what I mean? I hate when you go to the airport security and people show up there and act

00:07:49.500 like it's the first time they've ever been on an airplane before. They don't know they need to pull

00:07:52.760 out their, take off their shoes or take out their laptop, even though there's been signs, you know,

00:07:57.380 in the queue. When they get up to the car rental, they don't have their email with the confirmation

00:08:02.520 number and it just holds things up. And so to help the process of the queue along, I try to make sure I'm

00:08:08.580 ready to go when it's my turn. And so it just goes faster. So everyone can get out of the queue as fast as

00:08:14.600 possible. I think that's a great habit to get into. Although I will say it's, it's a challenging

00:08:20.500 one to stay on top of because as someone who does travel as much as I do, I can't tell you the

00:08:26.500 variations from airport to airport, you know, the TSA agents who will actually kind of yell at you

00:08:32.300 for taking it. No laptop stays in. No laptop comes out. No, you know, liquids, small liquids can stay

00:08:38.640 in. They can't. So it really does. I think as the TSA's screening technology and scanning technology

00:08:44.360 is upgraded from airport to airport, I do find that the policies are, you know, or even airports

00:08:50.620 where you only present your license, others where you must also present your boarding pass. So it's a

00:08:56.620 little bit confusing. But of course, if you've got a home airport that you fly out of regularly and

00:09:01.460 certainly a chosen airline that you fly out of regularly, you should know their policies. I have a

00:09:07.120 great degree of understanding for anyone who's a family traveling with strollers and, you know,

00:09:12.780 all sorts of bassinets. I, you know, that I really, I will give them all the leeway in the world,

00:09:17.740 but someone who's a regular traveler, who's not prepared when they get up to that agent to

00:09:22.280 move along. I agree with you. I have little patience for that.

00:09:26.000 It reminds me of that. There's a Sinbad bit. You remember Sinbad, the comedian?

00:09:29.700 Sure. Yeah. Yeah. He had this bit about people who would go to McDonald's and they're standing in line

00:09:34.560 and they see, they can see the menu while they're standing in line and they get to the front where

00:09:38.620 it's time to order. And they're like, what do you want? And they're like, um, um, I don't know what

00:09:43.760 it, what it's like, man, you've had like five minutes to like figure it out. So I don't know

00:09:48.400 whenever I'm in the queue, especially at the car rental, there's like these signs, like have your

00:09:53.000 license, have your credit card, have your, and then they get to the front and they're like, oh, I need

00:09:57.040 my credit card. Oh, I don't have, it's like, oh my gosh, come on, man. Pay attention. Um, all right.

00:10:02.140 That's just a personal pet peeve. A lot of people will be acting as either a host or a house guest

00:10:07.040 over the holidays. So let's talk about the etiquette of being a house guest first. Is there a maximum

00:10:12.200 number of days you should stay with a friend or family member? You know, I, so I live in New York

00:10:17.760 and I guess one of the, one of the benefits of being a New Yorker is that you tend not to have

00:10:23.040 guest rooms. So it's not a problem I encounter very often, although every now and then I'll have a

00:10:28.140 college friend or someone say, Hey, I'm coming to New York and the hotels are crazy. You know,

00:10:33.280 could I crash with you? Of course, which I'm always happy to do. I'm not someone who really

00:10:37.500 likes to impose my presence on a friend or even, uh, you know, a distant relation really at all.

00:10:44.840 I think it's, it's an imposition and very often people will set themselves up for this and they'll

00:10:50.300 say, Oh, you know, the next time you're in town, you must stay with us. And you really have to

00:10:55.560 wonder whether they actually mean it. I think a lot of times people, it's just a nice thing to say

00:10:59.080 and they don't mean it terribly. So I really wouldn't impose myself on someone else, particularly

00:11:04.460 if there are comfortable, convenient hotels nearby, which pretty much I'm sure everyone in

00:11:11.420 your listenership when they're traveling has somewhere that they can stay. But if for whatever

00:11:15.100 reason, maybe all the hotels are booked or, you know, they're just on a very, very tight budget and

00:11:20.720 it's not something that you can afford. I think once you get past two nights, you know, there's

00:11:26.420 this old saying, which I'm sure you're familiar with, which is, uh, guests, uh, like fish start

00:11:30.960 to stink after a couple of days. So I really think that, uh, two days, two nights is about where you

00:11:36.620 want to be. You don't want to seem like you're suddenly part of the furniture, you know, give

00:11:40.300 these, these poor folks their home back and their routines back. Don't extend the stay past that. 0.99

00:11:45.200 Unless this is someone who is your best, best, best friend. And, and, you know,

00:11:48.980 you could stay together for weeks and neither one would get on the other's nerves, but then we're

00:11:53.100 in a different category where you're really almost no longer a house guest. You're a, you're a

00:11:57.480 contributing roommate where you're buying groceries and you're, you're helping clean and, and so on.

00:12:01.940 Not, not necessarily things that you'd be doing for just a one or two night stay.

00:12:05.620 Yeah. Benjamin Franklin is the one that said that fish and visitors stink after three days.

00:12:09.220 Yes. Yeah. Ben Franklin was right. Any other ways to be a polite house guest during your stay?

00:12:15.000 Sure. You know, I think if you have decided that this truly is your best

00:12:18.700 option, you want to make your impact and your footprint be as minimal as possible. You also

00:12:24.100 want to be as considerate as possible when you arrive. So someone putting you up, you want to

00:12:28.600 bring, especially if you've never been to their home, you want to bring some sort of a thoughtful

00:12:32.480 gift for your host. I would also bring, you know, people, I know last time, Brett, we talked about

00:12:38.200 thank you notes. And as you know, I'm a big fan of those. And I know you are too. The idea of bringing a

00:12:43.000 thank you note that is ready to go, which you can leave on the kitchen table or the living room coffee

00:12:50.440 table, just as you're leaving so that you don't even have to trust that to the U S postal service,

00:12:55.580 that the delivery will be instant. So bring that thank you note, have it ready to go and write it

00:13:00.440 out with some thoughtful memories of what happened during your visit. However, brief you also want to

00:13:05.200 make sure that if you are staying in a guest room or particularly if you're staying in an open common

00:13:10.400 area, like a living room, you're not leaving it a mess. So your blankets, your pillows are all kind

00:13:15.640 of neatly folded up. The sofa bed is turned back into a sofa. Again, this is again, you're not at

00:13:21.360 home. You're not in your space. You want to make sure that the, you know, leave no trace really applies

00:13:26.960 to indoors as well. If you're staying for more than a couple of days, I think a really nice thing to do

00:13:32.440 is to take your hosts out to a dinner as a thank you during the duration of your visit. Of course, you want

00:13:38.580 to offer help out in the kitchen as much as possible and in general be pleasant, but don't

00:13:44.680 get in their way. They've got their routine and you shouldn't be intruding on that and expecting to

00:13:49.240 be entertained 24 seven. I think it's okay. And I think it's very healthy as a guest to be able to

00:13:55.500 go off and do your own thing and let your hosts do the same. Yeah, I agree. Whenever we stay with

00:14:01.280 people, we try to let them know our schedule, let them know like the stuff that we want to do. We don't

00:14:06.380 expect the host to entertain us all the time. So we let them know, here's the things we want to do.

00:14:11.960 Let's sync on things we can do together. If it works with your schedule, if not, no big deal,

00:14:15.780 we'll go do our thing, but then just keep them aware of, you know, what you'll be doing that day

00:14:20.400 when, when they can expect you to leave the house and when they can expect you to be back.

00:14:25.040 Yes, absolutely. And I would say the final thing, you know, don't disengage so much. Yes,

00:14:29.800 it's important to make sure that you're not leaving a massive footprint, but you don't want to be the

00:14:33.920 house guest who's basically a user who you were there for the bed or you're there for the sofa,

00:14:38.500 but you're not engaging in conversation. You're withdrawing and, you know, going up to your room

00:14:43.700 and, you know, sitting on social media the entire time and not actually conversing with your hosts.

00:14:49.320 This would be inappropriate to not be a part of the household in a way that's meaningful so that this

00:14:54.960 visit is more about you having a crash pad, but also an opportunity to catch up with obviously

00:14:59.460 people who you feel close to. Any suggestions on how to be a gracious host?

00:15:05.660 Sure. So you want to look after every possible amenity that might matter to your guests. So

00:15:12.880 a lot of this probably seems obvious, but fresh linens, fresh towels, washcloth, an alarm clock,

00:15:20.140 you know, most people use their phones, but I think a clock is a nice touch. Be able to be able to

00:15:24.040 check the time during the evening or in the morning when they're about to get up. A bottle of water by

00:15:29.860 their bed stand. I also think you make it clear to your guests that the kitchen is theirs for the

00:15:36.280 taking. So whatever may be in the refrigerator is fair game or in the pantry is fair game. I'd ask

00:15:43.080 about any dietary restrictions. I'd ask about any likes or dislikes. I actually had this, it wasn't a

00:15:48.740 house guest, but I had a guest come down to, I have a place at the Jersey shore and she came down 0.96

00:15:54.020 for a day and I said, Oh, you know, tell me what, what beverages should I have in the house for you?

00:15:58.600 What do you like? And she said, you know, my favorite drink is an Arnold Palmer. And I said,

00:16:03.980 Oh great. Well, fantastic. So there I was, I whipped up some, some tea, some fresh brewed tea,

00:16:10.200 chilled it, mixed up some lemonade with some fresh squeezed lemons. When she arrived, she kind of looked

00:16:14.620 horrified as I presented her my craftily made Arnold Palmer. And she said, no, no, no, this is

00:16:21.120 not the Arnold Palmer. I meant what I really meant was the, you know, the Arnold Palmer that comes in

00:16:25.240 a can and you can get it at a convenience store. Okay. Sorry. I guess I missed that memo. But being

00:16:31.440 that host who looks out for the thoughtful little things that might make someone, especially if you

00:16:36.820 think about it, uh, you know, they've perhaps been traveling a great distance. They're going to be tired.

00:16:41.180 You offer them a shower, a place to change a place to put their belongings, make them feel as much at

00:16:47.040 home as you possibly can by giving them all the creature comforts. I'd also say the wifi password

00:16:51.860 for the house I've seen. And I love this almost like you're staying in an Airbnb where your host

00:16:57.040 will actually have a little card with all the important details to the house, how to use the

00:17:02.020 remote control. If there's a TV in your room, anything that might confuse them or might not be apparent

00:17:07.200 to them when they arrive. I think those are nice touches as well. Yeah, I agree. And I think

00:17:11.780 another thing a host can do is like plan some fun activities. Like if you invited these people to

00:17:16.060 come stay with you, you know, that costs a lot of time and money to visit, visit someone. So

00:17:21.360 make it worthwhile, have some activities for them to do. Don't just make it like, Hey,

00:17:25.600 we're just going to hang out and whatever. Like I said, I don't expect the host to entertain me the

00:17:29.660 entire time, but I like it when someone does have an itinerary ready and has some things planned out

00:17:35.400 that we could do together. It just makes the whole trip more enjoyable.

00:17:39.460 Yes. And have a backup plan. So that same place of the Jersey shore, I just mentioned,

00:17:43.660 I had a different group of friends who came down and they were actually staying at an Airbnb nearby,

00:17:47.920 but the weather forecast for the weekend they were coming down just got worse and worse and worse by the

00:17:54.320 day. And I had prepared, I had sent them this lovely itinerary of the walking tours we were going to do

00:17:59.880 in the picnic on the beach. And well, it rained, it was a diluge all weekend long. So I really had 0.99

00:18:07.660 to be prepared for not being out and about, but being in an apartment for the weekend and how we

00:18:14.380 could kind of entertain them and still give them a meaningful, memorable time despite the best laid

00:18:19.000 plans. All right. Let's talk about party etiquette. A lot of parties during the holidays, Christmas parties,

00:18:23.860 parties, office parties, New Year's parties. I think prompt RSVPing is important, but I think it's

00:18:30.260 often overlooked as far as being a party. Yes. People really don't RSVP these days, but you know,

00:18:35.060 the host needs to know who's coming so they can plan accordingly. So I think, yeah, RSVP always,

00:18:40.000 even if you're not coming. Let's talk about this. What about punctuality? What time should you show up

00:18:45.440 to a more open house type party and then to also wait like a sit down dinner party?

00:18:50.680 Sure. Yeah. So two very different factors. And I agree with you wholeheartedly about the RSVPing

00:18:56.280 thing. I think we live, unfortunately, in the era of maybe where people are just afraid to commit or,

00:19:01.960 you know, maybe you're abiding their other options. You're absolutely right. A host needs to be able

00:19:06.780 to plan and those RSVPs are vital. And for the host, you make it that much easier for your guests and

00:19:13.480 you don't offer as an option regrets only because not hearing from someone you would think might mean

00:19:20.060 that they're sending a sense that they are joining the party, whereas it actually may simply mean

00:19:24.060 that they're not being considerate and letting you know. So yes, please, please, please RSVP couldn't

00:19:28.900 be easier. We've got more apps and texting and platforms for communication to let someone know

00:19:33.420 we're joining. We should do that. Your arrival time at a, for example, maybe you're having a New

00:19:39.120 Year's Day open house. You, as the host, you provide a start and end time, or maybe the end time is

00:19:45.940 open-ended. You know, in that case, I think you, obviously you can arrive anytime you like during

00:19:50.980 that day, especially if it's a holiday like New Year's Day where people may be bouncing around and

00:19:56.100 going to homes of different friends or family members. But I would still, as the guest, as the

00:20:01.780 arriving guest, give your host some sort of a heads up. Oh, we look forward to seeing you on New Year's

00:20:07.400 Day. We're going to be traveling, probably be arriving around your home at three or so. How is that for

00:20:14.100 you? And where will you be in the menu planning for that time? What can I bring to contribute to

00:20:19.140 the occasion if I'm arriving around three o'clock? So I think that for an open house, open-ended,

00:20:24.300 that's a wonderful thing to do. You're going to give your host a heads up on your anticipated

00:20:28.700 arrival time. And then you can even provide an update on the day of it, if that changes at all.

00:20:33.200 On the other hand, if this is a dinner party that someone's having in a house, or even a party at a

00:20:37.940 restaurant, you know, where the restaurant may not seat your whole party until every last person has

00:20:43.100 arrived, you really need to be arriving on time. For a dinner party in a house, there certainly is

00:20:48.840 a little bit of grace period. And I wouldn't recommend ever ringing a doorbell a minute or

00:20:54.560 two before the party starts, or 15 minutes before the party starts. This is the host's down, well,

00:20:59.680 I want to say downtime. This is the host's opportunity to attend to every last little touch,

00:21:04.960 whether it's lighting the candles, whether it's putting the hors d'oeuvres out on the cocktail table.

00:21:09.860 But as the guest, you really, for a dinner party, you should aim for around 10 minutes,

00:21:16.500 max 20 minutes after the start time. After that, you're really inconsiderate. Because you've got to

00:21:22.340 remember, it's not just about when you sit down to a meal. It's also about the conviviality that

00:21:28.120 takes place in the prelude leading up to the meal. And if you're not there, you can't contribute to

00:21:33.220 that. You were invited for a reason. You're there to contribute your presence and your conversation

00:21:37.120 and your wit. And none of that is happening if you are still out on the highway stuck in traffic

00:21:43.340 an hour after the party was supposed to have started. Yeah, I agree on that. If it's a dinner

00:21:48.500 party at a home, don't show up early. And don't even show up on time. My wife and I, we host a lot

00:21:53.320 of dinner parties. And even though we try to plan these things well in advance, you're always running

00:21:58.820 a little behind. Sure. And you're stressed out. And then when people show up early, like 10 minutes

00:22:04.200 early, it just adds to the stress because they're going to be like, oh, hey, can I help? And then

00:22:09.080 you have to start thinking about, well, I got to explain to this person how they can help. That

00:22:12.560 just makes you feel more stressed out. Or you feel like this pressure to make small talk with them

00:22:16.740 while you're trying to get the sirloin ready or whatever. And so you can't concentrate on what you're

00:22:21.000 doing. So we always appreciate when our guests show up like five minutes late, like 10 minutes is the

00:22:27.240 max. If it's beyond 10 minutes, that's a little too much. But like they show up five minutes late,

00:22:30.560 like that's perfect because we're able to get everything ready. But it's the worst when someone

00:22:34.300 shows up like 10 minutes early and it's like, I mean, what are we going to do with this person?

00:22:37.580 But if you do show up early, ask if you can help. If they say no, I think the best thing to do is

00:22:43.140 just go amuse yourself somewhere else and just let the host finish prepping in peace.

00:22:48.200 Yeah, I agree. Don't hover. We all have experienced, especially someone like you and your wife,

00:22:53.640 who has dinner parties, you know the kitchen hoverer who you're there doing last minute prep,

00:22:59.420 slicing, dicing, sauteing, and somebody's hovering in the kitchen, not only distracting you, but

00:23:04.420 getting in your way. So yes, get out of the way unless there's something that you can do that

00:23:08.800 genuinely is helpful. But I would say even if you made amazing time, you thought it was going to

00:23:14.300 take you an hour and it only took you 45 minutes, there's always something that you can do to occupy

00:23:19.460 yourself for those 15 or 20 minutes that is not ringing the person's doorbell and saying,

00:23:24.540 hey, sorry, I know I'm early, but I got here in less time than I thought. Sit in your car,

00:23:30.240 take a walk around the block, pick up an extra bottle of wine at the local wine shop. Do whatever

00:23:35.460 you need to do to give that host that vital time in those final minutes where things do tend to get

00:23:40.460 frenetic. Some people have special dietary restrictions, like maybe they're vegetarian or

00:23:45.080 something like that. If you're a guest with a special diet, should you tell the host of a dinner party

00:23:49.180 and expect them to make accommodations? So the expectation, no, but the communication, yes.

00:23:54.940 You know, it's a horrifying thing for a host to think that they've prepared something which they've

00:24:00.240 lovingly prepped and researched the recipe only to discover that one or more of their guests can't

00:24:06.580 eat the main course. On the other hand, I think it's presumptuous on the part of the guest to simply

00:24:13.340 think, well, you know, here's my diet. And it seems dietary restrictions continue to get more micro

00:24:20.640 as time goes on. You know, I'm keto, I'm eating macrobiotic, I'm a locavore. I think there are some

00:24:28.180 things that perhaps if you occasionally at least forego those restrictions, this may be the time to

00:24:34.320 forego when you're in someone's home. On the other hand, if you're someone who really follows a very

00:24:38.940 strict dietary restriction, I would communicate that up front to your host, not in a presumptuous

00:24:44.660 way, but I would use this as an opportunity to offer to bring something that will match your own

00:24:51.500 dietary preference and bring something not just in a little Tupperware container for you to enjoy

00:24:56.960 at the table while everyone else eats the host's meal, but rather bring enough, if the host is okay

00:25:01.940 with this, to be able to share with the other guests. What if you're the host of a dinner party?

00:25:06.460 When you're planning it, should you ask people if they have special accommodations or dietary

00:25:10.860 restrictions? Should you actively solicit that information?

00:25:14.340 I would ask the question on it. I'd be prepared to get all sorts of responses that may not quite

00:25:20.660 be to your liking. On the other hand, I do think in this age, it's really important as a host,

00:25:27.820 no matter how carnivorous you may be, to offer a very nice selection of vegetable dishes,

00:25:34.740 which will accommodate, of course, the vegetarians. It will accommodate the pescatarians. It will

00:25:39.660 accommodate, you know, the carnivores can have a salad every now and then. You know, they may prefer

00:25:43.440 meat, but they can certainly eat vegetables. There's a difference between just not loving something

00:25:48.520 and 100% not eating something. So I think as the host, you want to provide as many of those food

00:25:55.140 groups as possible, which really will cover just about everyone, at least in some way with a small dish.

00:26:01.120 Uh, but yes, ask the question. And if it's something, a requirement that you know, you can't

00:26:07.120 accommodate, I would be honest and upfront about that as well. Gosh, I, you know, I'm preparing my

00:26:12.520 favorite rack of lamb. I don't know that I'm going to be able to accommodate a second entree. What are

00:26:18.800 some suggestions that you might have, or might there be something that you could bring that could

00:26:22.820 supplement all the side dishes I'll have for you? So I think an honest and open communication so that

00:26:28.280 you don't have that awkward feeling of the person who just does not eat whatever you've prepared

00:26:33.040 staring at it in horror as you steer back in horror that all your hard work is for notch with this

00:26:39.320 particular guest. When should you show up with a gift for the party host? Always. I think the idea

00:26:46.460 of coming empty handed is it's presumptuous and it's inconsiderate. So again, Brett, you know,

00:26:53.060 your, your dinner party host, you know, the amount of work, time and energy and joy that goes into

00:26:58.920 preparing an occasion for your friends, a special occasion, your friends or family. And the idea that

00:27:04.500 you just kind of knock on the door with both hands empty, ready to devour whatever's put before you,

00:27:12.140 I think it's highly inconsiderate. So I would definitely bring some sort of a host or hostess gift

00:27:18.320 can be small, thoughtful. If you've been to their home before something that shows that,

00:27:22.020 you know, their interests and reflects their tastes. And I would also bring something if you've

00:27:27.720 cleared it in advance that will contribute to the meal, some other sort of food item. If the host

00:27:32.660 says, no, I really have my menu all planned. Don't worry about that. I'm all set. I would still bring

00:27:37.920 some sort of a host gift. Any suggestions for good gifts to give to a party host? Do you have some

00:27:43.560 go-tos that you like? Sure. I, you know, I think, you know, candles have probably been overdone.

00:27:48.500 They're tried and true, but, you know, hosts, especially frequent hosts, they probably have

00:27:52.860 far too many candles already. So I don't know that that's the ideal gift. I think, you know,

00:27:57.420 unless you happen to know that this person is a teetotaler and does not drink at all,

00:28:01.700 I would bring a bottle of spirits, a bottle of wine is always a great go-to. And, and candidly,

00:28:07.860 even if it's not a wine they drink or a spirit, they don't drink, they can re-gift that themselves.

00:28:12.940 That's a perennial. So I think that's, that's probably your safest bet. And what's nice

00:28:16.780 too, it can be bagged easily with a, you know, in a nice wine bottle bag with a bow. And it shows

00:28:22.620 that just a little bit of extra thoughtfulness. If a host doesn't drink, and this is coming from

00:28:27.140 someone who doesn't drink some good options for gifts are things like nice chocolates. We've gotten

00:28:31.960 that specialty, olive oil, cheese, honey. We've gotten houseplants. That's nice. Some of the,

00:28:38.200 also pastries that the host could eat the next morning. That'd be cool too.

00:28:42.260 So we're going to take a quick break for your words from our sponsors.

00:28:47.660 And now back to the show. Let's talk about tips for being a polite guest at the party itself.

00:28:53.460 I think not lingering too long when the party is drawing down seems like a good point of etiquette.

00:29:00.120 Any tips for a party host on how to get people out of your house when they have started to overstay

00:29:06.400 their welcome? Sure. And of course, this is a wonderful sign that people are having such a

00:29:12.060 great time that they simply don't want to leave, but you're probably exhausted at this point in the

00:29:17.580 day or in the evening that you really are ready for people to depart. And some people don't quite

00:29:21.720 seem to take the hint. There was a great book that Esquire did back in the sixties called the

00:29:26.560 handbook for hosts. I don't know if you've ever seen it. Yeah, I have it, but Oh, you've got it.

00:29:30.020 Okay. So you, I don't know if you know this particular tip, but I'm actually looking at it

00:29:34.600 right now. So on page one 89 of the edition I have, it's called speed the parting guest.

00:29:40.620 And there are a whole bunch of tips in here. Some of them are really kind of ridiculous, 0.69

00:29:44.500 like literally arranging for a moving van to come and pick up all your belongings and circle 0.69

00:29:49.260 the block a few times until your guest finally leaves. But this one I hadn't really thought of

00:29:54.220 before. And I think it's kind of fun. It says, um, arrange with your dog to demand to be taken

00:29:59.360 out. So you can explain smiling weekly. We always walk the dog just before bedtime. Guess he thinks

00:30:05.540 I forgotten him with appropriate there. There Duke will go out soon's in the dog's direction,

00:30:10.720 of course. So I think that's, that's a clever way of doing so. But I think, uh, perhaps a more

00:30:16.260 contemporary and less blatantly obvious way is to start preparing takeaway goodie bags for people,

00:30:23.060 the leftovers. Gosh, Brett, it's, it's been so lovely having you over. What can I prepare for

00:30:28.800 you to take home as you prepare a little care package of leftovers from the meal is a nice cue

00:30:35.540 that hopefully your guest will pick up on. I like that. Any other tips about just being a polite guest

00:30:41.020 at a party? The nice thing, if you've been invited to a dinner party in particular, you really got to

00:30:47.760 feel special and you know what you are because the host likely had many other people that they could

00:30:52.660 invite that wasn't you. And you've been included to contribute to a mix of personalities and an

00:30:59.240 occasion. So I would bring your best self. And what does that mean? You're going to dress the part. So

00:31:05.720 you're going to dress up a little bit above perhaps your baseline standards. So you're going to show that

00:31:11.280 you put it, put in some effort to how you look. You are going to bring your best self in terms of your

00:31:16.940 conversation. And that may mean that you're prepared to make small talk, interesting small talk with

00:31:22.920 people that you've never met before. And there are a few websites in particular that I love to consult

00:31:28.840 before I go to a party or if before I go to a networking event, one is mental floss. You may be

00:31:34.560 familiar. Another one is called pocket. Their website is get pocket. The history channel has a this day in

00:31:40.060 history. I love to have these just kind of go-to break in case of emergency type pocket stories that

00:31:47.680 you can pull out if suddenly you find everybody is looking down at the living room rug and nobody's

00:31:53.060 connecting. I would also say in general, most people are thrilled to be able to talk about themselves.

00:32:00.520 So these are people you've never met before and you show curiosity about who they are and what they do.

00:32:05.660 Also, be prepared to introduce yourself in an interesting way. So if somebody says,

00:32:11.420 it's the perennial question for someone you've never met, oh, and what do you do? And you've got

00:32:16.080 this kind of bland stock answer, oh, I'm an actuary for such and such accounting firm, you probably get

00:32:23.040 what I call the, oh, that's nice reaction from the other person. So think about a way that you can

00:32:28.840 introduce yourself and what you do in a way that's intriguing and that invites further questions,

00:32:34.340 and then you're going to do the same with the other individual. Make them feel listened to,

00:32:39.380 engaged with, and that you're giving them your undivided attention. This is the key ingredient

00:32:44.500 of a great conversation. Yeah, I like that adding to the conversation. Whenever I go to a party,

00:32:49.400 I always think, even though I'm not the host, I think the success of this party, I play a part in

00:32:54.500 this. What role can I play to make this party awesome? And so I try to bring my best self to it and

00:32:59.840 don't just depend on the host to show everyone a good time. I want to take part. I see the party,

00:33:04.420 it's a collaborative effort. Another thing that I like to do is obviously thank the host

00:33:10.080 of the party before you leave. But I also think it's nice to follow up with a text when you get

00:33:15.440 home, just reiterating what a great time you had. Because I think as someone who's hosted,

00:33:20.380 you're always, after the party's over, you're always wondering, oh man, how did the party go?

00:33:23.980 Do people have a good time? So it's nice to get those texts, those follow-up texts afterwards,

00:33:27.580 like, oh, it was such a great time. It just, it feels nice to get affirmed like that,

00:33:30.840 knowing that people had a good time. I wholeheartedly agree. And I think one of

00:33:34.780 the nice ways you can do that, if you're someone who is pretty good with your camera,

00:33:39.700 whether for selfies or taking group shots, I think sending a photograph from the occasion,

00:33:44.860 maybe it's you and the host, maybe it's you and the host and several others, along with that thank

00:33:49.920 you, you've created a nice little digital memento of the evening. What about office holiday parties?

00:33:55.700 Do you need to go to one if you don't want to?

00:33:58.500 I think particularly in the era we live of hybrid work, of remote work, you may be spending weeks,

00:34:07.600 if not months, without seeing not just the people who report to you, but the people to whom you report.

00:34:13.960 And to not afford yourself the opportunity of some genuine face-to-face time with those folks,

00:34:21.080 I think is a major faux pas. And you're missing out on a very important career opportunity to be

00:34:28.340 there, to see and be seen. So if you are working for a company that still has a holiday party,

00:34:34.540 and many companies have just abandoned the concept entirely. But if you are working for a company that

00:34:38.460 has a holiday party, you absolutely positively clear your schedule and you go with bells on.

00:34:44.280 Any advice on how to navigate a company party? Well, because you hear all these horror stories of

00:34:49.140 there's a lot of workplace problems that started at a holiday party.

00:34:53.980 That's true. Yeah. So remember, just because you're quote unquote off duty, you're not really.

00:34:59.960 In fact, you may be on duty more so than even when you're in the office in a nine to five situation.

00:35:06.180 You're being observed. Don't let down your guard. And that really starts with being very,

00:35:13.060 very careful with your alcohol intake. I would not go thinking this is going to be great. They've

00:35:19.000 got an open bar. I'm just going to get blitzed because chances are you will make in some respect,

00:35:25.400 you will make a fool of yourself and not be doing your career any favors. So fine to have a cocktail 0.97

00:35:31.380 at a holiday party if you're an imbiber. But I would really stop at whatever your limit is. 0.68

00:35:37.700 And it's different for everyone. Maybe you can have three cocktails and still be

00:35:42.760 completely coherent and in control of who you are. Or maybe you're somebody, you have a half

00:35:47.560 glass of champagne and you've already lost it. Whatever your limit is, you stop well before that.

00:35:52.980 Make sure you get there, not late, but get there on time. This would be a party actually,

00:35:58.800 Brett, where I'd say it would be appropriate for you even to arrive a little bit early.

00:36:03.020 So getting there five or 10 minutes before the occasion shows your commitment, your interest,

00:36:09.100 your excitement for the occasion, even if you're not that excited about being there.

00:36:13.380 And I would definitely, you don't want to be, again, hearkening back to what we were speaking

00:36:17.860 about earlier. You don't want to be literally the last person standing at the end of the night,

00:36:22.340 you know, as Donna Summer's last dance is blasting from the DJ booth, the last person there.

00:36:27.380 But you do want to stay for sure through whatever company speeches. And I would, in your mind,

00:36:34.360 tell yourself before you go strategically, there are six people I must have FaceTime with at this

00:36:41.540 occasion. And whoever those folks are, maybe it's your boss, maybe it's your boss's boss or your

00:36:45.880 boss's boss's boss. Make sure you get in front of those people, have quality engagement with them.

00:36:52.320 Don't be a one-track pony. You don't want to talk only of work,

00:36:55.140 seeming like you have nothing to contribute besides your work that you do for this company.

00:37:00.560 So be that sparkly, lively, in control, sober, early guest who doesn't stay too long.

00:37:07.700 I would dress, again, dress the part. You don't need to look like you, you know,

00:37:12.300 just came from a meeting with your tax accountant. You can look festive, but keep it tasteful.

00:37:16.980 All right. So let your hair down, but don't let it down so much where you get called into HR the next

00:37:22.540 day.

00:37:23.580 Well said.

00:37:24.020 I think that's what we're going for. Let's talk about gifts. Do you have any tips for being a

00:37:27.920 good gift giver in general?

00:37:30.080 You know, we're living in an age of obviously high inflation. I just did a TV segment yesterday on

00:37:37.060 people who are just going into massive debt already. You know, here we are, not even at the holiday

00:37:43.180 season and people are already doing their shopping and going into credit card debt to do so.

00:37:48.020 I really believe it sounds so corny. We all know the saying, it's the thought that counts.

00:37:52.840 It really shouldn't be about how extravagant the gift is. And if you find that your gift list is so

00:37:58.520 long that you're going into debt or that you feel you're one-upping people by giving them something

00:38:03.440 that's super expensive, I think that's a really unfortunate situation and something that you're going

00:38:08.720 to be dealing with the consequences of for the balance of the new year. And that's not a good

00:38:14.400 thing. So I think the idea of what to give someone can start early. But what I like to do is if people,

00:38:23.580 friends, coworkers, loved ones drop the occasional gem about something that's an interest of theirs,

00:38:31.020 maybe someone who's a new acquaintance, but becoming a good friend happens to mention

00:38:35.980 their favorite movie or their favorite food or their favorite book or their favorite author.

00:38:42.000 I think I like to keep a spreadsheet of those sorts of things or the people I think I probably will be

00:38:48.160 buying something for come holiday time or come birthday time. And having that readily accessible

00:38:53.980 to me, almost like a little mini Salesforce database, except it's very DIY. Now when the season arrives,

00:39:00.880 I'm ready to give something that truly shows thoughtfulness and I'm not reduced to a gift card

00:39:06.840 for a store that they don't even shop at or something that's a re-gift that has them scratching their head

00:39:13.060 saying, why in the world did the person give this to me? But I would say at its core, let's think about

00:39:18.160 the holidays as an opportunity to really remember the people who are important in our lives. And that's not

00:39:22.360 always about a present. It could simply be something that is a very thoughtful card

00:39:27.380 that is handwritten and that expresses why that person is important to you.

00:39:32.020 I think that really is where it starts. If you feel that on top of that, you want to give a gift,

00:39:36.200 that's a lovely thing to do, but make it a thoughtful gesture and don't leave them scratching their heads.

00:39:42.420 What do you do if someone gets you a gift and you didn't get them a gift? That happens sometimes.

00:39:47.840 It does. And this can happen between friends who perhaps don't have a gift exchange

00:39:53.760 as part of their friendship compact, their unspoken friendship compact. And suddenly

00:39:58.780 someone decides that this year they're going to get something for you.

00:40:02.960 I think the knee-jerk reaction that people often have in that situation is that stock line,

00:40:09.400 oh, you shouldn't have, which is a really not a very, you know, I get why someone would say that,

00:40:15.080 but it's a really, when you think about it, it's kind of a prescriptive thing to say to someone

00:40:19.300 who's excited about giving you a gift. So showing gratitude, not immediately excusing yourself to

00:40:25.920 the restroom and rubbing through your coat closet or your upstairs hall closet where you can find

00:40:31.300 something to throw into a gift bag to pretend like you had a gift for them as well. So I wouldn't

00:40:37.000 stress out about it so much. I would simply accept it gracefully and of course send them a really nice

00:40:43.560 thank you note. And then perhaps next year you might, if we're talking about a holiday gift,

00:40:49.080 you might have the conversation a little bit earlier in the process so that you're both clear

00:40:53.740 that, you know, I know last year you were so generous. You, you, you know, you gave me that

00:40:57.960 lovely vase. Please know that our friendship means so much to me that really I don't ever expect a gift

00:41:04.020 from you. And I hope that's okay. Would be a conversation to kind of put it out there in a nice way

00:41:09.380 before any further awkwardness happens. You mentioned earlier, there's a lot of people

00:41:13.780 struggling financially and sometimes you might be put in a situation where you have a friend or

00:41:18.000 maybe a family member who they're doing better than you financially. And so they're always giving

00:41:23.120 you gifts that are much more expensive than you can give. And then you might feel bad. Like

00:41:27.240 any ideas on how to navigate that situation? I think, you know, I, I, that's, that's a challenging

00:41:33.340 one. And I think for someone to, to have that conversation and say, gosh, this is so expensive,

00:41:38.900 you know, why did you spend so much money on me? It's an awkward thing, especially you're taking

00:41:43.220 the wind out of the sails of someone who's really excited for what they've bought. I think if your

00:41:48.780 friends, if you are family members and you're exchanging gifts and there's a great inequity

00:41:53.980 of the financial value of what you're giving, I would own that as the person I might say,

00:42:00.300 oh my goodness, this is so generous. Uh, you know, I, I, I can't even believe that, uh, that you're

00:42:05.280 giving this to me. I don't even know what to say. I have something for you too. It's far more modest.

00:42:11.140 You know, I hope you don't take that as any indication of my feelings for you, but rather a

00:42:17.140 feeling, uh, a reflection of what my budget is. You know, if money were a new object, you know,

00:42:21.980 I'd be buying you Ferrari. I think that would be a way of kind of putting it out there in a,

00:42:26.200 in a genuine, authentic way. I think sometimes friends are a little bit fearful of having monetary

00:42:31.660 conversations like this. And I think it's a healthy thing to do for any relationship. So,

00:42:37.320 you know, I wouldn't make excuses. I wouldn't hem and haw. I would be gracious. I'd accept it unless

00:42:42.820 it's exorbitant. You know, if somebody's, you know, bought you a diamond necklace out of nowhere,

00:42:48.480 well, this obviously needs to be discussed, but if they just bought you a gift that, you know,

00:42:53.900 was probably somewhat pricey and you can't reciprocate, I wouldn't feel bad about that. I would own the

00:42:59.500 conversation and be very grateful that you have such a generous friend who obviously thinks very

00:43:04.000 highly of you. What do you do if you get a gift you don't like? Depending on the who of who's getting,

00:43:11.060 you know, if this is a gift from your spouse, it's going to be a little bit more difficult to

00:43:15.560 squirrel it away in a drawer or, or take it back or re-gift it because they of course are going to

00:43:22.480 know you're not using it. You're not wearing it. You're not displaying it. So especially if this is

00:43:27.300 something that, you know, they spent a lot of money on, I would be candid with them in a very

00:43:31.860 gentle way, but perhaps not in the moment. So don't steal their thunder as you open the present

00:43:38.220 and kind of all eyes are on you as you've, you know, unfurled the bow suddenly say, Oh gosh,

00:43:44.760 really? You got this. This is obviously not an appropriate way to react. So I would show

00:43:50.980 appreciation and your, your glee at receiving this particular gift in the moment. And then perhaps

00:43:58.660 later on that day or the following day, you know, honey, you know, I gotta say, I really, I so

00:44:04.840 appreciate that gift. I don't think that's something I would ever really wear. It just, you know, it

00:44:09.760 doesn't flatter my physique, whatever. I would have that candid conversation because if you pretend you

00:44:14.720 love it too much, well, guess what? You're going to be getting something similar for your birthday

00:44:18.220 and every other occasion coming in the next 10 years. So own it now, speak now or forever,

00:44:23.900 hold your peace with a friend or with a fringe acquaintance. I don't think that conversation is

00:44:29.300 particularly necessary, or maybe, maybe it's the host gift, someone you were hosting and somebody

00:44:33.860 brought you something and you don't particularly like it. There's no need at that moment or ever

00:44:38.840 to express any dissatisfaction. I would perhaps just think about either returning it or regifting it

00:44:44.840 to someone who you genuinely know would appreciate it more than you did for whatever reason.

00:44:48.960 Oh, so you mentioned regifting. You think it's okay to regift?

00:44:51.260 I think regifting is a wonderful thing for the planet. I think it's a wonderful thing for the

00:44:56.780 wallet, but it's got to be done intentionally. So you realizing it's December 23rd and you hate

00:45:04.580 shopping and you haven't done any shopping and you decide all the shopping is going to be done

00:45:08.300 in your junk closet. This is not anything that's being done with intention. So if for whatever

00:45:15.000 reason you already have one, you simply don't have space for it, you're paring down. I think

00:45:20.900 regifting can be a great way of saving funds and also really pleasing a gift recipient when it's done

00:45:27.900 thoughtfully. So as you think about the person that you're going to be regifting to, is this someone

00:45:33.540 who genuinely really will love this? Or is this someone who will be looking at this saying,

00:45:40.180 I don't understand why I was given this present or, oh gosh, there's a tag on it and it's an old tag

00:45:47.180 because obviously it was given to you as a gift. So you want to make sure that the original gift tags

00:45:52.380 are gone. You want to make sure that the wrapping is fresh and contemporary and newly done by you.

00:45:59.260 And you want to make sure that it's in good condition, that it doesn't look like it's something

00:46:03.160 that's been used or is tattered or torn. It should be in as new condition as possible. And as long as

00:46:09.380 you're doing it intentionally, I think it can be a wonderful win-win situation.

00:46:13.700 And also make sure you don't re-gift the gift to the original gift giver.

00:46:18.540 That would be a mistake. Or even Brett, giving within the same gifting circle. So maybe your group

00:46:25.960 of friends gets together for dinner to exchange holiday gifts and you've now given the gift that was

00:46:31.140 given to you by friend A and you're giving it to friend B while friend A looks on in horror,

00:46:36.160 this would not be a winning strategy either. So gift outside gifting circles.

00:46:42.420 Also, the one final thing I would say about re-gifting, if you're re-gifting something that

00:46:46.140 has a really interesting backstory that you cannot own, for example, it's a souvenir from a country you

00:46:54.220 have never visited and it was a gift to you and you're now giving this to someone else.

00:46:58.060 If you have no genuine backstory that you can present about where you got that or why it's

00:47:02.640 meaningful to you, this is not something that you should be re-gifting. Or if your grandmother

00:47:06.980 knitted you an afghan that took her a year to knit and you're suddenly giving granny's afghan that she 0.97

00:47:13.040 gave to you to a friend, this would not be a winning strategy either. So make sure that if there's a

00:47:18.060 backstory, you keep that. This is what trunks are for.

00:47:21.240 In our last conversation, we talked about tipping culture in the United States today and how it's

00:47:26.720 gotten out of control. You're getting asked for tips when you go to the self-serve yogurt shop

00:47:31.780 and the person there didn't do anything to help you out. But the holidays, there's kind of an

00:47:36.940 etiquette around holiday tipping. Is there any special tipping considerations we should take

00:47:41.880 into account when we are around Thanksgiving, Christmas?

00:47:44.460 Sure. Yeah. So we are definitely, we are living through the era of tipping fatigue and

00:47:49.920 tipflation. I actually did a TED talk on this last year called The Tipping Invasion, How America

00:47:55.080 Became the Country That Tips for Everything, Everywhere, All at Once. And I think indeed, there

00:48:00.980 is no question people are feeling, again, tightness of budgets. The wallet is being hit everywhere we go.

00:48:07.220 But that's not an excuse or a rationale for scrimping on the all-important and time-honored

00:48:15.100 tradition of tipping the service professionals who make our lives day-to-day that much easier. So

00:48:22.040 these may be individuals that we're not tipping very much, if anything, on an ongoing basis throughout

00:48:27.860 the year for their service to us. But at the end of the year, this is the time to recognize them. And

00:48:32.980 this is largely people who live in urban places. They tend to have a lot more. They might have dog

00:48:39.160 walkers. They might have doorman. They might have, you know, a porter in the building they work. But

00:48:45.100 for all of us, we all get our hair cut. You know, maybe you, you know, have someone who colors your

00:48:50.180 hair. You may have a massage therapist or a personal trainer. You know, you're not tipping these

00:48:55.480 individuals with the exception of the folks working on your hair or giving you a massage. You're

00:49:00.440 probably not tipping them on an ongoing regular basis when you visit with them. But that doesn't

00:49:06.600 mean that you don't recognize them at the end of the year with a gratuity. And it's something that

00:49:11.440 those service professionals, you know, they allow us to be at our best through the year. And I think

00:49:16.880 it's really important for us to remember them at the end of the year. This is very, very different

00:49:20.600 from the person who is ringing up your self-serve yogurt asking, you know, how was my service? Do I get

00:49:27.480 five stars? And do I get $5? This is someone that you have an ongoing relationship with.

00:49:32.700 Yeah. So it's going to be like a babysitter, a house cleaner, a landscaper. They're doing stuff

00:49:37.480 for you throughout the year. You're not tipping them usually. This is a chance to give them a tip.

00:49:43.140 That's right. Pool cleaner and so on. Yes. The sanitation workers. 1.00

00:49:46.820 Any like, any like recommendations, like how much should you tip for those situations?

00:49:50.920 It's, it's a little bit easier with the service professionals that you actually do give some

00:49:55.720 sort of a tip throughout the year. So for example, the person who's cutting your hair,

00:49:59.080 the general guideline there is that you tip the cost of one visit. So if you get a $60 haircut,

00:50:06.100 and maybe you're tipping $12 or $15 for that haircut on every visit, your holiday gratuity,

00:50:12.260 your end of year gratuity would be the $60 that you'd pay for the one haircut. In other categories,

00:50:17.200 it's a little bit more fluid, but there are some guidelines there as well. So it may be,

00:50:22.820 for example, with a house cleaner, it may be who you're not tipping each and every time,

00:50:28.260 the cost of a single visit to your home. For a babysitter, it may be the amount of one night's

00:50:35.600 babysitting or for someone who's an au pair, for example, who lives with your family. Very often

00:50:41.360 we'll see from one week to even one month of what you would pay that au pair who lives with you and 1.00

00:50:48.240 travels with you as a holiday gratuity. I think a week is certainly generous, but I hear stories

00:50:53.680 about people who give a full month. If you were in a city and you're tipping a doorman or a porter,

00:51:01.260 the parking garage attendants who park your car for you, again, in an urban center, there the values

00:51:07.140 really vary geographically. So again, I live in New York. This is the capital city of tipping when it

00:51:13.260 comes to the holidays. Doorman could be anywhere from a couple hundred dollars on up in a luxury

00:51:19.380 building or less. So as I said before, I think it's really important for all of us to feel comfortable

00:51:24.800 with the idea of speaking with other people about money. And so I have no compunction asking my

00:51:31.900 neighbors, hey, I'm new in the building. I'm new in the city. Could you give me a guideline? What do

00:51:38.480 people generally tip our super? What do people generally tip the doorman? And this will give you

00:51:43.860 some indication. So you don't want to be the outlier. You don't want to be tipping drastically

00:51:47.820 less, but there's no need really to be tipping drastically more. Well, Thomas, this has been a

00:51:53.080 great conversation. Where can people go to learn more about your work? Brett, thank you so much for

00:51:57.360 the conversation and the wonderful work that you do on AOM. I am Mr. Manners. That's spelled out

00:52:03.400 Mr. M-I-S-T-E-R, Manners, on X and Instagram. The website is Mr., again spelled out, hyphen,

00:52:11.540 manners.com. And I'm regularly on TV screens across the country speaking on all aspects of modern

00:52:19.240 manners and etiquette. We're not talking Downton Abbey here. We're talking about the everyday

00:52:23.820 interactions that make all of us a better version of ourselves.

00:52:28.300 Well, Thomas Farley, Mr. Manners, thanks for your time and happy holidays.

00:52:32.420 Thank you, Brett. You as well.

00:52:35.900 My guest here is Thomas Farley, also known as Mr. Manners. You can find more information about

00:52:39.320 his work at his website, mr-manners.com. Also check out our show notes at aom.is

00:52:44.420 slash holiday etiquette, where you find links to resources when we delve deeper into this topic.

00:52:55.480 Well, that wraps up another edition of the AOM podcast. Make sure to check out our website at

00:52:59.400 artofmanly.com, where you find our podcast archives, as well as thousands of articles

00:53:02.980 they've written over the years about pretty much anything you think of. And if you haven't done

00:53:06.280 this already, I'd appreciate it if you take one minute to get to read off a podcast or Spotify.

00:53:09.440 It helps out a lot. And if you've done that already, thank you. Please consider sharing the

00:53:13.060 show with a friend or family member you think with something out of it. As always, thank you for the

00:53:16.660 continued support. Until next time, it's Brett McKay. Remind you to all listening on podcast,

00:53:20.180 but put what you've heard into action.

The Art of Manliness - November 27, 2024

Flying, Hosting, Regifting, and More — All Your Holiday Etiquette Questions Answered

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