Erica Dewan is a leadership consultant and speaker, as well as the author of Digital Body Language: How to Build Trust and Connection No Matter the Distance. In this episode, she talks about the importance of digital body language, and how it can affect your personal and professional relationships.
00:08:03.000So if I just said sure, nothing after that.
00:08:05.620Now, our punctuation is used differently depending on the channel we use.
00:08:10.740And different channels define the informality you can have.
00:08:14.620When it comes to texting and informal messaging, it's much more common to actually not use a period at the end of a statement and to keep it informal.
00:08:24.460And in many ways, that is the equivalent to a sure with a period at the end of an email.
00:08:29.860So research has shown that actually when you put a period at the end of a text, it can seem a bit passive aggressive or potentially signal frustration.
00:08:38.360But when you put it at the end of an email or a PowerPoint presentation, it's just thoughtful grammar.
00:08:52.020Well, you mentioned exclamation points, and I've noticed this over the years that people have just been using exclamation points like out the wazoo.
00:09:00.700Like you can't have an email without having two or three exclamation points.
00:09:05.000So you mentioned earlier, like I think we all think of exclamation points when you grew up and when you went to school as like to convey urgency or something important.
00:09:14.680So when we were all face-to-face, we knew how to show a sense of excitement or urgency by furrowing our brows, tapping our fingers, speaking rapidly, or smiling.
00:09:27.200Now, in today's world, I like to say that exclamation points do a lot of that for us and can convey everything from friendliness to excitement to sometimes even urgency.
00:09:39.340And in many cases, they have become so obligatory, especially in emails, that they have become so obligatory.
00:09:44.680That sometimes people feel the risk of coming off as brusque or cold if they don't use them.
00:09:49.980My general rule of thumb when it comes to exclamation points is to really understand what an exclamation point can mean.
00:09:57.380Will Schwabble, who's the author of the book Send, always says that the exclamation point is the quickest and easiest ways to kick things up a notch.
00:10:10.520You know, instead of saying, I really like what you said, when you just say, I like what you said, with two exclamation points, it cuts out the really because it shows that enthusiasm.
00:10:23.180Now, one of the things that I think is important about exclamation points is that the number that you use is also important.
00:10:30.020So if you use one exclamation point, that might mean basic enthusiasm.
00:10:34.320But if you use two or three, sometimes it can feel sarcastic.
00:10:38.540Sometimes it can feel potentially like shouting or urgency.
00:10:42.400And if you use, say, four or five, in certain cases, depending on the relationship, it can feel like hyper excitement.
00:10:48.620And in other cases, it can feel like incredible anxiousness.
00:10:52.160Do you find that men are more hesitant to use the exclamation mark as a sign of excitement?
00:10:57.980Research shows that women feel compelled to use exclamation points to come across as friendly, warm, or approachable.
00:11:05.880Whereas men tend to not use them as much in that way.
00:11:10.560They tend to use them more to signal urgency.
00:11:13.480And so what I think is interesting is similar to traditional body language differences across genders like voice pitch and up-talking.
00:11:21.760What research shows is that women do feel more pressure to use exclamations.
00:11:26.120And my general lesson from that is this is a moment to be aware of some of those biases,
00:11:31.160to encourage women to not feel so pressured, to pepper their words with exclamation marks,
00:11:36.400but maybe also to encourage men to not be afraid to throw in that exclamation or even an emoji when it can actually deepen a digital relationship.
00:11:45.420So I think the takeaway here is to realize if you don't use exclamation points, then things like,
00:13:19.160If you are someone who has more power, you can actually use emojis to deepen trust and empathy with someone, especially if they may be younger.
00:13:27.400Now, the second level is trust levels.
00:15:43.840Well, we've all received messages like, per my last email, and we weren't sure whether they were just reminding us of something we discussed or they were saying, pay attention this time.
00:15:53.700Or one of my favorites, just to be sure we're on the same page.
00:15:57.460I never know whether that's, you know, a quick reminder of what we discussed or, you know, you are not doing what I told and I don't want you to make a mistake again.
00:16:07.500Now, passive aggressiveness or assumptions that someone is passive aggressive have shot up, especially in digital messages because of the ambiguity and the loss of traditional body language.
00:16:18.040Now, when it comes to dealing with passive aggressive messages, I have three recommendations.
00:16:23.560The first is avoid responding to these passive aggressive messages when you're angry or frustrated.
00:16:29.320It can cause more mistakes if you are already emotionally hijacked.
00:16:33.900Do simple things like save your message as a draft and then send it when you're in a better mood.
00:16:40.060The second is stay in the place of reason.
00:16:42.320Sometimes people are just rushing or they're confused or they don't actually read the message as carefully as you would.
00:16:49.760So assume good intent and step into their shoes.
00:16:52.320Maybe ask yourself, why might they have made a mistake like this?
00:16:55.940I know a client who thought their team member was being passive aggressive, but they were just typing a short response by text because they were about to take off on an airplane.
00:17:05.360So sometimes responding really with clarity.
00:17:07.820If someone says, why didn't you finish this question mark, question mark, you can respond with clarity saying, you know, here was the deadline Tuesday at 10 a.m.
00:18:09.020And one area where it can pay to think about your digital body language is with how you close an email.
00:18:14.280So we're talking about that last line, your valediction or your signature.
00:18:17.260And you cited a really interesting study in the book that found that closing an email that was soliciting assistance with a, thanks so much, exclamation point, made people twice as likely to offer help.
00:18:28.500So if the close of an email can have such an outsized effect on how it's received, what should people know in general about how to best in their emails?
00:18:35.980Now, every time we send or sign off an email, we're answering two other questions that guide the signals we send.
00:18:43.840As I mentioned earlier, they are, who has more or less power?
00:18:47.760And secondly, how much do we trust each other?
00:18:50.480And answering those two questions very quickly will allow you to make sure that you sign off your messages in the way that best meets and engages that recipient.
00:19:00.340So for example, if you have more power in a situation, you may want to be thoughtful about signing off in a positive tone to build that chemistry with someone who has less power.
00:19:10.880Or maybe a quick thank you so much for your hard work, or I really appreciate it, and then sign off your message.
00:19:16.920If you're someone who has less power and you're trying to build a good repertoire, you may want to err on the side of formality here, ending with best or regards, ending with is there anything else that you need to show that engagement?
00:19:54.900Maybe sometimes you may want to be a bit more formal, whether it's best or regards or sincerely.
00:20:01.080What you can also do is mirror their digital body language and how they sign off their messages as well.
00:20:07.180So throughout the book, you've peppered it with these small sections with some quick tips on digital body language.
00:20:12.220And in one, you have common interpretations for our most used email signatures.
00:20:16.480So you say there, the first one is no signature.
00:20:19.440This is when you don't even put your name at the end of an email.
00:20:22.060That's the equivalent of awkwardly walking out of a room, leaving everyone wondering if you accidentally hit send with your elbow or if you're just ill-mannered.
00:20:29.560Next one is just your name, no send off.
00:20:32.100This should only be used when you're very familiar with your recipient or have been communicating back and forth in an email chain for more than three or four messages.
00:21:39.740Some things to think through with your signature of an email.
00:21:42.900And I imagine the opening or greeting of an email is a similar thing, like where you want to think through things like the power dynamic and the trust level and things like that.
00:21:53.360You know, in many ways, I think there's parallels between our email greetings and our signatures.
00:21:58.240If we write dear at the top, we may often end with regards or best.
00:22:03.700And these really signal that semi-formal to formal start and closings.
00:22:09.180We want others to see us as nice and professional, almost like dressing up in a workplace, wearing a suit or formal attire.
00:22:16.660Now, if we send a message where we actually have no greeting at the top, maybe we use words like E, like I would, for my own team member, and then have no send-off, this is a signal that we are very familiar with our recipient.
00:22:31.260It's like a communication back and forth, almost like a quick chat.
00:22:35.080I know individuals that will write their entire email in the subject line to me so that they're direct and to the point.
00:22:43.240It showcases our familiarity with one another.
00:22:45.360And then there are certain other signals that can be more informal and, in many cases, be a bit more inappropriate for the workplace, but very effective in, say, family relationships, ending a message with love and starting a message with more an informal nickname for someone.
00:23:05.140So, again, it goes back to signals of informality to formality and trust levels.
00:23:10.800All right, so something that you argue in the book is that reading carefully is the new listening.
00:23:16.560So, how can things go awry when you don't read people's messages carefully, and how can folks do better in this area?
00:23:45.440Don't rush through it so quickly that you may miss what someone needs from you, or you may read into something, so specifically one line, and end up reacting in a negative way.
00:23:56.040And secondly, always ask yourself, when you are responding to a message, are you responding in the right medium?
00:24:19.820Like, you're thinking about what they need and trying to figure out, did I convey what I needed to convey in the way that's appropriate so they're going to get the message.
00:24:28.720If reading carefully is the new listening, writing clearly is the new empathy.
00:24:33.040And there are a couple things that we can do to really make sure we show that empathy in how we write.
00:24:37.840The first is to be tone-deafed, not tone-deaf.
00:24:41.560You know, if someone stays up all night working on a deliverable for us, and they used to see us face-to-face when they gave us that deliverable the next day, we showed them a smile, an exhale, a relief in our face, they felt appreciated.
00:24:55.800Now, if we just write a K period, or we don't respond at all, they may not feel as valued or appreciated.
00:25:03.060Take the time to remember that our messages are visual in nature.
00:25:42.000And that can really allow individuals to answer back emails.
00:25:46.100And if it's not clear, to know when also to schedule a phone call or a video call.
00:25:50.700And I just said, you might think, people might hear this, well, I just don't have enough time to, like, read every message clearly and write, you know, everything clearly.
00:25:58.240But as you make the case, like, well, you're going to save yourself time because you're not going to have to deal with all the, well, I actually meant this and blah, blah, blah.
00:26:05.080You don't have to deal with that because you just took care of it from the get-go.
00:27:06.180If there's an email chain that goes beyond three or four, it's like, okay, we need to have a phone call because we'll get this resolved in two minutes.
00:27:44.560Now, complexity is a bit harder to figure out, but generally bigger, broader ideas, nuanced brainstormings really involve video calls, phone calls.
00:27:55.000If it's maybe a quick yes or no, that's completely different.
00:28:00.420Opt for that quick IM or that email exchange.
00:28:03.640And last but not least, the third factor is familiarity.
00:28:06.560Now, familiarity refers not only to our relationship with the recipient of what we write, but also to the content of what we're saying.
00:28:14.820So ask yourself, who is your audience?
00:28:16.520If it's a close relationship, maybe that quick text, maybe a welcome disruption.
00:28:21.260But in a business relationship, maybe someone that you're trying to meet for the first time, emailing or working with their assistant to get on their calendar may be more appropriate.
00:28:31.040And you also want to consider content.
00:28:34.440Making sure you're not texting things that really are confidential.
00:28:39.100And you're also being conscious of what should be a public group IM versus a one-on-one phone discussion.
00:28:45.620Another consideration around using different channels that you address in the book is knowing the best time to use them in order to get a response.
00:28:53.960When calls aren't scheduled in advance, place a call at the 20-minute and 50-minute mark of an hour when others are usually finished with other calls planned at the hour or 30-minute mark.
00:29:02.780Weekdays during normal work hours, especially mornings, are the best time to send an email that will get a reply and schedule a video call.
00:29:10.280So I thought that's helpful to keep in mind.
00:29:12.140And then the other thing to keep in mind with these different channels is your response time to messages.
00:29:16.760And you say each one carries different expectations.
00:29:18.920One of the things I learned while researching for my new book, Digital Body Language, is that different channels imply different response times.
00:29:32.440So, for example, texting may seem much more time-sensitive and urgent.
00:29:37.840If we don't hear back from someone by text within maybe 30 minutes to three hours, we may start to wonder whether they got our text message.
00:29:46.620IMs may be much more appropriate within business hours to respond ASAP.
00:29:51.900Now, email may be much more appropriate within 24 hours, depending on the industry, sometimes three to six days.
00:29:58.240And video calls are much more based on scheduling, more priority-dependent, and have more of that lag time in scheduling and longer response times.
00:30:08.580So you can see even there, each channel implies a different response time.
00:30:13.380What I do believe is important is that we have to remember that there are different response time expectations in different channels.
00:30:20.820So we want to avoid being that serial texter when information isn't really very important.
00:30:27.580I know I've been part of those text chains that just won't stop in the middle of the day.
00:30:32.800So sometimes I will blind the notifications of those text messages, or I'll just respond and say,
00:30:38.380this is great, I'll get back to you on Sunday when we have more time.
00:30:42.320Or in email with my team, I will set response time expectations.
00:30:46.220For example, in subject lines, I'll write 4H, which means I need this in four hours, it's urgent.
00:30:52.200Or 2D, which means I need this in two days.
00:30:55.200So a team member knows that they shouldn't rush a response.
00:30:58.020They should really think about it before responding.
00:31:01.520How do you avoid setting overly high expectations with your communications?
00:31:05.120So let's say you decide, I'm going to respond quickly.
00:31:08.860People might come to expect, that's what's going to happen all the time.
00:31:11.100Then if you don't do it, they're like, well, something's wrong.
00:31:13.260So how do you manage expectations with digital communication?
00:31:19.660When we've dealt with slow or no responses from someone else, and we wonder what's going on, if we did something wrong.
00:31:27.800And then finally, we usually follow up and they say, oh, I just missed your message.
00:31:31.720Now, when it comes to our fast-paced, real-time texting, emailing, Zoom calling world, I believe that we all need to practice the art of patient responses.
00:31:44.800Remember when it was completely okay to respond to a voicemail within a week?
00:31:49.900Now, if someone doesn't hear back from me within 48 hours, I think they often assume something's wrong.
00:31:55.260Or they don't jump in on a Zoom call within one second.
00:31:59.000I have a few recommendations here that I think are really important.
00:32:03.480If you're waiting for a response from someone else and you haven't heard back from them, don't jump to conclusions unless it's really critical that they reply ASAP.
00:32:12.420Remember that people have a lot on their plates.
00:32:15.280If you follow up, say, once or twice, make sure to switch to a different medium as well.
00:32:20.700Maybe opt for a phone call or a text message if it's really important.
00:32:24.420And if you're on the other side, if you need to get back to someone but you get hundreds of messages a day, here's my general recommendation.
00:32:32.040The first is, if you can answer within 60 seconds, just respond immediately.
00:33:57.260I mean, I think that that quick response back saying I'm on it, even if you can't answer the question, is often very effective.
00:34:07.060And in certain cases, speed can matter more than substance in our digital messages, especially with those that we're building new relationships with.
00:34:15.180But at the same time, I think for those that are getting hundreds of messages a day and don't want to insult others by not responding altogether,
00:34:23.220sometimes those auto responders can be helpful to say, if you want to book me to speak, email this person.
00:34:28.720Or if you want to schedule a call with me, use my Calendly link.
00:34:32.620So I actually like sometimes the auto responder where it's not just vague, but it actually has a way for me to take action, even if they don't respond in a personal way.
00:34:55.120And if so, how do you do so in a non-awkward way?
00:34:57.740Now, the first thing to ask yourself is, are you using the right medium?
00:35:03.480Is this person maybe not so great by email, but is perfect with a quick five-minute phone call discussion?
00:35:10.480Is this someone that hates one more reply all email and would actually be much more clear and to the point within a Slack message exchange?
00:35:18.900Actually assessing the recipient's digital body language style, not just your own style, but how they like to connect best, can help you often reduce your own anxiety and get exactly what you need from the other person.
00:35:33.440Secondly, if you need to navigate that ambiguous message or those confusing messages from others and you feel it's a bit awkward, I really recommend to just respond with clarity, asking clarifying questions like,
00:35:46.680can you share what you need from me or when do you need this by, will reduce a lot of that ambiguity when someone says, can you get this done?
00:35:55.560And if you're not sure about something, ask for more details, give people options, even have a quick framework in your email of the who, what, when, so that they can actually remind themselves that maybe they should be more clear in their messages.
00:36:09.560These are simple things that can really avoid anxiety.
00:36:12.300But at the same time, individuals sometimes may not be as good as you in digital body language.
00:36:18.820So remember when to simply pick up the phone to reduce a lot of that written communication confusion.
00:36:25.100Well, Erica, this has been a great conversation.
00:36:26.560Where can people go to learn more about the book and your work?
00:36:28.840You can check out my new book, Digital Body Language, available everywhere, Amazon, Bards and Nobles, even Audible.
00:36:34.600And you can learn more about me at ericadewan.com, as well as the book's website at ericadewan.com slash digital body language.
00:36:43.680All right, Erica Dewan, thanks so much for your time.