The Art of Manliness - Live Life in Crescendo

00:00:00.000 brett mckay here and welcome to another edition of the art of manliness podcast you've heard of

00:00:11.540 the seven habits of highly effective people but did you know that its author stephen covey wasn't

00:00:16.320 in his late 50s when it came out after it became a monumental bestseller covey continued to work

00:00:20.960 on new book ideas one of which encapsulated his own experience with late in life success

00:00:25.420 and his commitment to having an ever forward-looking attitude a decade after his death that book has

00:00:30.380 finally been brought to fruition by stephen's daughter cynthia covey haller it's called live

00:00:34.480 life and crescendo your most important work is always ahead of you and its contents really

00:00:38.700 represent the capstone habit to those that came before today on the show cynthia unpacks the

00:00:43.260 crescendo mentality and how it represents a commitment to continual learning growth and

00:00:47.460 change that you can adopt at any age we discuss how embracing the crescendo mentality is particularly

00:00:52.120 important in midlife why that stage of life can be uniquely challenging whether you've achieved

00:00:56.040 success or are struggling and the shifts people in each of these situations can make to find greater

00:01:00.340 fulfillment after the show's over check out our show notes at aom.is slash crescendo

00:01:04.500 all right cynthia covey holler welcome to the show thanks so much for having me brett i'm thrilled to be

00:01:21.400 on with you so you are the daughter of the late stephen covey of seven habits of highly effective

00:01:26.660 people fame and you co-authored a book with him started co-authoring a book with him before he passed

00:01:31.340 away called live life and crescendo your most important work is always ahead of you and i'm

00:01:36.440 looking forward to talking about this book but before we do i'm curious my wife and i often wonder

00:01:41.480 what was it like growing up as a covey you know was it i don't know if you ever read the book uh

00:01:47.040 cheaper by the dozen where it's you know this guy like the dad and mom are like efficiency experts and

00:01:53.060 they use their kids as a laboratory for all their stuff they use for you know the companies they

00:01:57.800 consult was it like that as a kid uh in a way guinea pigs no you know we we had nine there were nine

00:02:06.160 kids i'm the oldest of nine so it was a little wild and crazy but my parents made the priority to my

00:02:13.040 parents was our family and so each of us felt like we had a important part to play with them

00:02:20.000 and somehow they managed to have each of us feel like we were important and that we we mattered and

00:02:25.780 with nine kids i think that's pretty tough i had six and sometimes i'd think to myself gosh i don't

00:02:31.680 think i've talked to one of my you know one of my my younger one or the middle one for a day or two

00:02:36.600 so you know i think that they really when they made a mistake if they ever lost their temper or if

00:02:43.760 they things didn't go well they didn't handle it well they were humble enough to apologize to us

00:02:49.160 they would say i i'm sorry i blew it i shouldn't have overreacted you know you're right that was a

00:02:54.720 good point you made and and we'd start over and i really appreciated that and i tried to implement

00:03:00.340 that when i raised my own kids because you're not perfect you know you're you're just learning as you

00:03:05.320 go along and but i i felt like more than anything they really tried to walk the talk they tried to

00:03:12.220 teach us what true to their values and what they believed and when they felt they just kind of said

00:03:18.820 they're sorry and we started over so let's talk about the story behind this book so you started

00:03:23.420 working on this book with your father before he died but when did your father get the idea for this

00:03:29.100 book you know clear back in 2008 is when i i talked to my dad about it he told me he was working on

00:03:38.960 several different books and projects right then and he told me about live life and crescendo which at

00:03:45.520 the time was his personal mission statement probably the last 10 years of his life and i think he

00:03:51.040 adapted that because people were asking him gosh you're in your 60s steve when are you gonna you know

00:03:57.720 are you gonna keep doing this for long or how much more do you have in you and that would really

00:04:02.260 annoy him he just think you know i i still have so much more to contribute why i'm gonna i still feel

00:04:09.040 passionate about it i feel like i'm making a difference why would i stop and so anyway he asked me

00:04:15.240 when we were talking about all these different projects if i would help him with this live life

00:04:20.580 crescendo book and by writing the stories and examples of people that either lived in crescendo

00:04:27.740 or the opposite lived in diminuendo and i can explain those those terms a little further later

00:04:34.420 but brett i think this was prompted because i foolishly asked him one time are you gonna ever

00:04:40.520 write anything like the seven habits again you know is this you know is this going to be the best

00:04:47.060 thing you've ever written and in a way it kind of insulted him that question he said gosh i wrote

00:04:52.860 that in 1989 and so why do i get up every day if i don't intend to produce and contribute more besides

00:05:01.720 the seven habits you know the seven habits may be my most prolific work and maybe i'll be most known

00:05:08.120 by that but i still have so much more to contribute and ideas and books in my head that

00:05:14.380 that um that motivates me to keep going and that was the that's the crescendo mentality

00:05:20.340 of way of thinking a paradigm that your most important work is still ahead of you despite where you've

00:05:26.480 been so it was kind of a you he threw down the gauntlet he's like all right you don't think i can do

00:05:32.140 anything better well you're gonna work with me on this thing that's right i kind of yeah and so

00:05:36.500 like okay you can take care of live life for crescendo

00:05:38.920 and make it um kind of a different book than he'd written before because like i said it is filled

00:05:46.100 with practical stories of famous and non-famous people to show people that gosh i can see myself

00:05:53.540 in this i could do that i can make my life better than it is now i can keep contributing and so you

00:05:59.880 wanted me to to do that for him so we worked on it together i interviewed him many times through the

00:06:06.880 next few years and then he unexpectedly and i explain this later in the book but he died way before we

00:06:14.100 ever thought he would and i had promised him that i would i would finish this for him so to me it's kind

00:06:20.460 of been a sacred stewardship my goal was to be a faithful translator of his vision for live life

00:06:26.980 and crescendo and i worked on it for about 10 years after he's passed away for 10 years now

00:06:32.840 but i have six kids and lots of grandkids and i had some church jobs and community jobs that kept me

00:06:40.200 from writing full-time but it took a while and i'm finally thrilled to talk simon and schuster into

00:06:47.080 publishing his last book i said you published his first book and in 89 now publishes last and they

00:06:54.040 were excited about it so here it is yeah and what you what i love about you did this book you wrote

00:06:58.260 in his voice yes and then every now then you'd interject like this is cynthia here's my what i

00:07:03.440 want to say about it but that was really it was really fun it's like i'm i was reading something

00:07:06.640 from the beyond it was really cool well i i feel like well my greatest compliment has been if people

00:07:12.720 say i can hear your dad's voice and that's because a lot of those are his very words through interviews

00:07:19.140 and through other writings that aren't as well known and different things but i want it's his

00:07:24.060 idea it was his unique idea live life from crescendo so i wanted to write it from his perspective so i i

00:07:31.280 hope i accomplished that so you said uh your dad had this idea of the crescendo mentality because he

00:07:36.080 was tired of people telling him like oh you know when are you going to retire and you know but when he

00:07:40.940 talked to you about it how do you describe like what was the crescendo mentality well i love the

00:07:46.520 analogy it's a musical analogy and everyone asks us oh you your family very musical and my dad couldn't

00:07:52.920 sing at all i'm even worse my mom has a beautiful singing voice but crescendo in music that symbol if 1.00

00:08:01.240 you look at the symbol it starts at a point and then the two lines spread outward and if you've ever

00:08:07.520 been to a concert a crescendo is fantastic it grows in energy and influence and power and gets

00:08:16.200 louder and it's and it's so amazing to hear it's very powerful and and it swells and it fills the

00:08:22.640 whole arena wherever you're listening and in the same way uh diminuendo in the opposite way actually

00:08:29.580 diminuendo starts wide the symbol starts wide two lines apart and then it comes to a point and it slows

00:08:37.300 in power and energy and influence and it eventually literally comes to a stop and so the idea of crescendo

00:08:45.140 it's like your art of manliness podcast brett you use the word maybe you can say it for me

00:08:52.080 edamonia yeah eudaimonia eudaimonia which you describe as skill flourishing excellence virtue

00:08:59.920 this is synonymous with crescendo it means that you keep learning you keep striving you keep you may

00:09:07.040 have to redefine yourself you may have to start over but you keep increasing in what you learn and what

00:09:14.160 you're contributing as you go along in your in your life even as you get older to the very end of your

00:09:20.240 life that's the goal where the diminuendo is you're you know you're satisfied with where you are that you

00:09:26.440 stop learning and growing and trying and experimenting and you basically just give up you just stop and

00:09:34.160 accept what life has handed you which may not be good and you don't contribute anymore your influence

00:09:40.200 comes to an end or crescendo the exact opposite is true and it sounds like your father was living

00:09:46.140 this principle i mean he had like 10 projects going on before he died and how else was he like you know

00:09:50.880 what did he beyond just doing stuff with the seven habits and the the franklin covey company like what

00:09:57.160 else was he doing in his second half of life well like you said he was going a mile a minute you know he

00:10:04.000 was going like crazy with different projects and books not to say that he neglected his most

00:10:09.740 important roles which was in his family and that was a top priority to him but from 89 when he did

00:10:16.820 seven habits he later produced the third alternative the eighth habit and i don't know what it is with

00:10:22.220 numbers human numbers but the eighth habit find your voice and help others find theirs and then live life

00:10:28.920 and crescendo this great book i mean this is evidence alone of his belief in this crescendo

00:10:35.320 mentality which is kind of like a pair of glasses or a perspective a paradigm that you see everything

00:10:42.200 through at any age and stage of your life the crescendo mentality sees the opportunity to change and

00:10:50.000 improve and and get better and in his own life he kind of went through his own midlife crisis if you could

00:10:57.560 call it that i don't know if he would have labeled it like that but looking back to me it was he was at a

00:11:03.560 university and had been teaching for 20 years in organizational behavior and it was very successful

00:11:09.900 that it was the the class to take on campus they said that if you didn't take this class you didn't get

00:11:15.880 a degree and so he was an influential professor and with nine kids you know you don't make a lot as a

00:11:22.920 professor but you know it was it was a steady income and job and yet he felt like i've got more to give

00:11:30.200 and at this time he was developing the seven habits material and teaching it to his students and he

00:11:36.640 didn't feel like they were really grasping and applying it you know they couldn't apply it in the

00:11:40.960 marketplace in the workplace where he really wanted to see how this would work and so he started doing

00:11:46.340 some consulting on the side and it was hard to do both and so he he and my mom decided we got to

00:11:53.140 you know you may say he was a little bit stagnant and felt like i got something's holding me back i've

00:11:59.380 got to keep growing and i feel like i have more to contribute and so he kind of took a leap of faith

00:12:04.600 and put his house and cabin in hawk and just went out on his own steven covey and associates and later

00:12:12.240 became covey leadership center but did his own business consulting and and for several years it

00:12:18.000 was a little scary his own business and just starting out and left his comfortable job as a

00:12:23.160 professor but if he never would have done that he never would have written the books that he did and

00:12:28.660 the influence that he had throughout the whole world if he hadn't have taken that leap and decided

00:12:34.020 that yeah i have more to contribute and i'm gonna take a little bit of a risk and and go with it and

00:12:39.780 see what happens and that was when he was in his low 50s you know so definitely in the midlife stage

00:12:46.240 but that was inspiring to look back and think you know he had his own uh chance to decide am i gonna

00:12:53.020 you know live in diminuendo am i becoming stagnant or should i choose to live in crescendo and and go for

00:12:59.860 this new opportunity well you talk about in the book i like how you organize the book um you start off

00:13:04.940 there's a section about midlife and that's the moment where a lot of people have that decision

00:13:09.800 like your dad did i can either live in crescendo or diminuendo like what is it about midlife that

00:13:16.000 causes you to like that kind of forces that choice on you you know that's a good question brett because

00:13:22.160 that's where a lot of people struggle i think i think everyone does it sometime the midlife stage

00:13:27.800 of life where you know you kind of meet where you are with what you hoped you would be and maybe you

00:13:34.680 feel like you know i haven't been successful i i haven't made a lot of money i'm not i don't have

00:13:39.640 the career i wanted maybe you're divorced and feel like you're failing in your family roles maybe you

00:13:46.980 haven't achieved what you what you dreamed of and you kind of wake up and think wow i you know

00:13:53.900 what can i do i'm 50 and i'm not where i wanted to be and so my we we identify two perspectives in

00:14:02.280 this midlife stage and one is to see true success for what it is without comparison to others society

00:14:09.980 defines success so differently to how we're defining it here which is that success is is working to be

00:14:17.900 successful in your most important roles in life in the roles that have great value to you most of

00:14:25.260 those found in the family roles but also in humanitarian work you know sometimes you're more

00:14:31.360 successful than you think you are i'll give the example of george bailey and it's a wonderful life

00:14:37.100 we all know that story so well he thought he was he didn't think he was successful he thought he was

00:14:43.260 kind of a failure because he didn't make a lot of money and he never left bedford falls and he never

00:14:48.440 accomplished what he wanted to be but yet when he was taken out of it when the angel said okay it's

00:14:54.660 like you've never been born he saw and the angel says what a big hole it leaves when you're not there

00:15:01.560 you really did have a wonderful life he saw that he was important in all these people's lives and how

00:15:07.340 much it meant to them to be able to get a decent home to live in and how he treated them and and you

00:15:14.260 know he eventually comes back and his everybody saves him from financial ruin repaying all the kindnesses

00:15:20.820 that he's given through the years and his brother toasts him to the to the most successful the greatest

00:15:26.540 man in town and so sometimes we are successful but not by how society would measure it and then the

00:15:34.720 second perspective is if you you don't like your job if you feel like you're in a dead-end career

00:15:40.560 if you have relationship problems in your family and you feel like you're struggling identify what

00:15:46.180 needs to be improved and changed in your life and courageously and proactively bring it about

00:15:52.220 use what my father called resourcefulness and initiative he called it rni and make it happen

00:15:59.260 and i tell a story about you know a principal who's who has a great vision for his school but yet he

00:16:05.920 is weighs almost 400 pounds and his physical health is so bad that he can hardly make it through the day

00:16:13.520 and how he takes control of that and decides i can choose you know to have this vision for our school

00:16:20.220 but i have to take care of myself first and and how he gets in shape and and loses 150 pounds and

00:16:26.740 actually becomes a marathon runner and and changes his his whole life and and therefore the school

00:16:32.520 and his influence in the students or a lawyer who all of a sudden loses his job he formed a company

00:16:39.940 and his partners force him out and he's 47 years old with four kids and no career well he has to look

00:16:47.720 at himself and think you know what am i going to do am i going to just be bitter and end it here am i going

00:16:52.840 to make a difference anymore what what are my choices he chooses a crescendo mentality and determines

00:16:59.380 to go to law school at 47 the oldest in his class by far and he tells of of coming into the law school

00:17:07.740 parking lot one cold winter morning at five in the morning when it's freezing and it's pitch dark and

00:17:14.540 doom and despair comes over him and he thinks what have i done you know what what am i going to do how can i

00:17:20.880 make it and he determines to use his rni and to dig deep and to see this through to the end and

00:17:28.280 graduates in two and a half years and sets up a practice at 49 almost 50 and within a year or two

00:17:34.660 has more work than he can handle so sorry to take a long time to answer but in the midlife stage

00:17:41.000 you have to determine am i going to choose the crescendo mentality and keep learning and expanding

00:17:47.660 and redefining myself or am i going to accept my fate what's happened to me and live in diminuendo

00:17:54.340 and you know this is this is what this is the end it's really a choice yeah and i thought that was

00:18:00.340 interesting the idea that one of the problems of midlife is we find out that maybe like how your dad

00:18:05.560 uses like the measuring stick that we're using to gauge our life was the wrong one right like maybe

00:18:11.080 that measuring stick you're using about career and you know sort of the external stuff was useful

00:18:15.340 early on in your life so that's that it's important to get a job and things like that

00:18:19.600 but at a certain point it stops becoming useful and then you have to decide i'm going to make a

00:18:25.380 shift to a different measuring stick right and that was clay christensen clay christensen who with

00:18:31.020 how do you measure your life saying you have to use the right measuring stick you know he he was at

00:18:37.080 harvard with a lot of his friends and you know the first five years of the reunion they're all

00:18:42.000 starting out with families and doing well starting their businesses and then within 10 and 15 years

00:18:47.320 they meet together again and a lot of them are divorced and their families live across the

00:18:53.000 country and they feel they're very successful some of them but they never thought that their family

00:18:59.900 wouldn't be along on this journey and that they'd use the wrong measuring stick to measure success and

00:19:05.680 kind of determining how are you going to measure your life and my father defines it by being

00:19:11.760 successful in your most important roles and i guess i mean i imagine i don't know if you talked

00:19:17.440 to your father about this when he was talking about success after the seven habits of highly

00:19:22.300 effective people was it in terms of like well i gotta make another like a book that sells more than

00:19:26.980 the seven habits of highly effective people or was it like he had he had a what was his measuring

00:19:30.780 stick for success in his work that he did to make a difference to make a contribution

00:19:36.340 that was always the priority to him it was never about money or prestige that was a a side thing

00:19:43.720 that that came with success but it was he believed really strongly that life is about contribution

00:19:50.840 not accumulation and he felt like i have so many um some other ideas like this idea of the crescendo

00:19:58.920 mentality and of find your voice and help others find theirs that can give hope to people that can help

00:20:05.480 them realize their worth and potential and hopefully see it in themselves his best best definition of

00:20:13.220 leadership was communicating to another's worth and potential so clearly that they are inspired to see

00:20:20.580 it in themselves and that's what that was his whole mission really to to unleash human potential and

00:20:27.500 greatness within every person and a part of shifting that contribution mindset is your dad was a big

00:20:35.000 believer in making service the priority of your life right service mindset you know it naturally grows

00:20:44.060 we have a crescendo mentality you become service oriented you become a mentor to someone in your office

00:20:51.880 that's struggling or to maybe you look around and you see a grandchild who is addicted to drugs or substances or is failing

00:21:01.680 in school or maybe you've got a neighbor that admires you and that a younger person that that you could help mentor

00:21:09.100 that you you look at life through the contribution mentality a great quote and i called it kind of the mission statement

00:21:17.300 of the book is a quote by pablo picasso the meaning of life is to find your gift the purpose of life is to give it away

00:21:25.900 and that can help you in a midlife struggle to to look outward to focus on others it can help you in the other

00:21:34.420 areas we identify pinnacle of success life-changing setbacks and the second half of life the other areas that

00:21:42.320 we'll probably discuss that as you look outward and serve other people you're able to find a lot of purpose in your life

00:21:50.440 also as you make a difference in others and it helps you with your own problems i remember hearing my father talk about

00:21:57.640 an orphanage in india that was doing so well the kids coming out of it were going to college and were you know really

00:22:05.800 contributing and wonderful people and he talked to the woman in charge who kind of was you know supervising

00:22:12.400 the curriculum and all that and what was happening with them and she said the only thing i can really

00:22:17.540 identify is that we would challenge them when they were outside the orphanage to find someone in a worse

00:22:24.620 situation than they were and to help them and focusing on others and looking outward and serving

00:22:31.000 is is a key to happiness and a key to your own success we're gonna take a quick break for your

00:22:36.980 words from our sponsors

00:22:37.800 and now back to the show okay so if you're approaching midlife and you're feeling that sort

00:22:46.340 of midlife malaise where you just think well you know things i'm just kind of feeling uh restless

00:22:51.500 on that word not sure what to do next the key there is think of that crescendo mentality you have more to

00:22:56.800 offer and then shift to like maybe first figure out if you're using the right measuring stick

00:23:01.520 right uh and then also use that resourcefulness and initiative well there's you also you mentioned

00:23:07.080 there's two outcomes could possibly be facing in midlife the first is the pinnacle of success

00:23:12.300 and then a big setback well let's talk about the pinnacle of success some people will think well

00:23:17.480 you're a success like what problems could you have based on your experience and just what your father's

00:23:22.760 done and his research what what problems come at midlife when you've you've got everything you

00:23:28.140 got a house your family career's good what are the problems that can happen okay before i answer that

00:23:34.160 let me just tell you something funny from our family about rni as kids we hated when my dad would say

00:23:40.820 use your rni because we couldn't have any excuses you know we'd come home from school and say oh i hate 0.50

00:23:47.440 my math teacher i'm flunking math he's he's awful we'd try to blame other people and he'd say well

00:23:52.940 what does that have to do with it use your rni and we're like oh gosh dad you don't know this guy's

00:23:58.340 really bad and he doesn't care about me and he doesn't know how to explain math oh you know not

00:24:02.920 not not your problem use your rni and make it happen and so we were just like oh we could never

00:24:08.300 blame other things we had to take responsibility for it and we kind of joked that we had a well-balanced

00:24:13.880 parents because we our mom sometimes would let us blame other people and would take our side and 1.00

00:24:19.580 say oh that's terrible that math teacher why he doesn't know who he's dealing with or you know

00:24:24.140 should take our side a little bit so if we wanted our heart massage would go to our mom and we wanted 1.00

00:24:28.680 to know the truth and how to solve our problems would go to our dad it was a good it was a good

00:24:33.900 combination and a good mix but but pinnacle of success that's uh you know that's a great

00:24:42.920 opportunity of you know like you say maybe you build a successful career and you have a home

00:24:48.480 and you're and you're even making good money and you feel good about it and you've accomplished a

00:24:53.000 lot well so what's next you know do you do you sit on your laurels and and that's kind of what my dad

00:24:59.560 was challenged when he wrote seven habits is is this what is this all you've got you know are you

00:25:03.840 going to produce anything else so the tendency with reaching the pinnacle of success is after you've

00:25:09.740 reached it is to coast and to relax and to look in the rearview mirror at what you've accomplished and

00:25:15.860 you know be proud of it and happy and pat yourself on the back which there's nothing wrong with that

00:25:21.280 for a time but what about looking forward what's to come he always used the analogy of don't look in

00:25:27.660 the rearview mirror so say that you're driving in a car and you're looking in your rearview mirror

00:25:33.720 or even over your shoulder at what you've just left rather than looking ahead well pretty soon

00:25:39.440 you're going to end up in a ditch you can't drive that way so we always would say look forward

00:25:44.280 look ahead and one of the best examples i can think of this we gave a lot of famous people examples and

00:25:51.100 regular everyday people but jimmy carter just comes to mind jimmy carter was not re-elected did not earn a

00:25:59.420 second term and imagine the humiliation of that going back to plains georgia he had a real choice

00:26:06.500 you know to live in crescendo or diminuendo and most presidents at that point you know kind of

00:26:12.600 retire they give expensive speeches and they might build a library in their name and different things

00:26:18.580 but carter within a year he and rosalind had established the carter center for peace and then

00:26:25.780 the the two of them have been the face of habitat for humanity i mean they're both in their 90s and yet

00:26:33.200 up until a year or two ago extremely active in you know this housing for for people that can't afford

00:26:40.340 it and all the involvement that president carter has had in history will not judge him as a great

00:26:47.720 president he had the the hostage situation and had so many hard things during his tenure but he is the

00:26:54.400 the best post president we've ever had so truly his most important work was really ahead of him

00:27:02.300 and he sees that you'd think the pinnacle of success is being the president united states

00:27:07.880 but actually no it's been his humanitarian work and so people who have been successful you're in

00:27:15.000 the greatest opportunity right then to bless others lives in other areas you've got the experience and

00:27:21.840 the and maybe the financial clout and the determination and the know-how to really bring some great things

00:27:29.700 about so why not lend it towards something else that could benefit other people and have that to have

00:27:36.640 your story be helping other people like mohammed yunas with the grimeer bank and micro loans i mean look at 0.97

00:27:45.180 look at the success that he's brought to thousands and thousands of people because of his determination

00:27:51.700 to help with poverty and what what is six you know there couldn't be anything more successful than

00:27:58.120 helping other people succeed so it sounds like you're at that pinnacle of success in your life sort

00:28:02.860 of mid part of your life and you're thinking like what's next what's next is become generative right

00:28:07.960 make other grow other help other people grow right yes find your voice and help others find theirs

00:28:15.320 you know paul newman is another person that had an amazing career in acting and yet his most important

00:28:23.300 work was literally his humanitarian work with he was embarrassed he said i i'm embarrassed that i made

00:28:30.700 more money on my salad dressings than i did on my movies but he determined he saw so much need and thought

00:28:38.160 if i can market this dressing and these other products and give it all away that was his motto

00:28:44.660 let's give it all away he said you can only stuff so much in your closet so let's give it away to to

00:28:51.400 charities and so far he has donated 730 million dollars to thousands of deserving charities doing so much good

00:29:00.840 and making an imprint in life and he tells of one story he has this these uh camps these family camps and

00:29:07.420 and he passed away in 2008 but his um foundation is still carrying on his good work so he established

00:29:15.820 these family camps for children who have terminal diseases and sicknesses are in the hospital much

00:29:23.760 of the year and it's the largest family camps in the world and kids can go free to these camps for a

00:29:30.680 whole week and enjoy all the things that you do in camping and really you know be kids forget about

00:29:36.600 their illnesses and their sicknesses and just enjoy kick back and be a child again and he said one day

00:29:43.660 he was walking to the dining hall and a little girl took his hand and said you know mr newman this is the

00:29:50.340 week i wait for all year this is what i live for and he said what could be greater applause than that

00:29:56.640 that's what that's what you want to hold your hand out to those who are less fortunate and be able to meet

00:30:02.360 and meet their needs so you know he's paul newman and the other ones have a lot of money and clout but

00:30:08.460 others that have reached pinnacle of success look around you in your families in your neighborhoods in

00:30:14.940 your community where can you lend that great the knowledge and things that you've accomplished by being

00:30:20.640 so successful what can you next lend that to and bless others well another possible outcome in midlife

00:30:27.320 is that you have a big setback could be divorce could be your career's over your business goes

00:30:33.720 bankrupt you get sick a loved one gets sick but even in those situations when things can seem just

00:30:41.280 utterly hopeless you say people can still keep that crescendo mentality and in a person that your father

00:30:49.100 looked to as you know someone who exemplified this of finding hope even when things seemed hopeless

00:30:54.420 was victor frankel uh he loved to quote victor frankel and that's because this is a guy who was

00:30:59.560 in a terrible terrible situation right he was in a nazi concentration camp but he still tried to find

00:31:05.000 meaning in it he always taught that you can't choose what happens to you you can't choose your

00:31:10.840 circumstance and your situation but you can choose how to react to that and he learned that from victor

00:31:16.500 frankel who in the midst of his torture and struggles had the wherewithal to see himself to envision himself

00:31:25.260 years later teaching to uh fellow students in psychology exactly what he was going through what

00:31:32.860 he's experiencing right then he saw himself years later having a great purpose and a work to do

00:31:39.160 and that's what he found he said he said he was surprised when he had analyzed why people would

00:31:45.580 survive who would survive and who wouldn't and he said the the main thing that they found is that if

00:31:51.700 someone had a why to live they could manage anyhow he said for one person he had his why and his purpose

00:31:59.460 was a child that was alive in another country that was waiting for him all alone and he knew it

00:32:05.800 and he wanted to survive for that child for another man it was a great scientific experiment that he was

00:32:13.280 halfway through before he was arrested and imprisoned and he wanted he knew that he

00:32:19.520 he could solve this scientific problem that would help with save people's lives and he wanted to get

00:32:25.540 back to finish that so they definitely had a why to live and they could manage anyhow

00:32:31.340 and so my father always taught that life is a mission and not a career

00:32:37.300 and that victor frankel taught that you detect you don't you don't invent but you detect your own

00:32:44.960 mission individual mission within you through listening to your conscience and through being

00:32:50.700 very aware of needs around you and as you detect your own mission and purpose then you can fulfill it

00:32:59.280 we can bring it about and offer something only you can offer each of us has something important to give

00:33:05.800 and to contribute we need to detect it take the time and make the effort to find out what that is

00:33:12.160 and then bring it about you gotta use that r and i right use your r and i use your r and i in a positive

00:33:18.820 way we like it now we tell it to our kids now and they hate it too you you give an example from your

00:33:24.640 own family of someone who dealt with a really terrible setback that's your brother sean yes tell us

00:33:30.040 he tells about that and how did he use these principles from your your father's work to help him

00:33:34.880 and his family navigate that problem right at the end of the book i tell three different stories

00:33:40.800 experiences of our family having to practice what we preach here and live in crescendo ourself

00:33:46.100 sometimes you look at other people and think oh they don't have any problems or issues but

00:33:51.120 all of us have things that we struggle with and if you haven't had a setback yet you just haven't

00:33:56.460 lived long enough it'll come so determine how you're going to respond beforehand my brother

00:34:03.400 sean this was a really hard thing for him and his wife rebecca and also our whole family

00:34:08.900 but his oldest daughter of eight kids passed away at 21 from effects of depression and this was

00:34:16.920 devastating to the entire family and somebody told him not meaning this to come across the wrong way

00:34:23.980 but they said you know sean it's sad but you'll always have a big hole in your heart because of what

00:34:30.620 happened to rachel and it's that's just kind of how it is it's going to be a big hole there

00:34:35.960 and sean thought about that and thought no that's that's not right i'm going to grow a muscle there

00:34:42.020 it's not going to be a hole and he decided he he thought about that i have three choices really

00:34:48.320 in this situation i can let this destroy me i can let it define me or i can let it strengthen me

00:34:56.360 and he chose and so did rebecca to let it strengthen them and so what they did was they they were talking

00:35:03.820 to some of rachel's friends and found that well they they knew that she'd always she had a passion

00:35:09.540 for horses she said she found her voice when she was riding horses and it was it helped her with her

00:35:15.540 depression and with things that she was experiencing and her friends came to them and said you know rachel i

00:35:21.840 was at a low point and rachel took me horseback riding and it helped me so much it it changed my

00:35:27.360 life it helped me deal with some of my problems and so they determined to do make something good out of

00:35:33.740 what had happened and help others and they talked openly about her passing away from depression they

00:35:39.960 got that out there that that this is what took her life and it freed other people to express that

00:35:46.280 also that that had happened to their families and then they decided to start um a place called bridle

00:35:53.200 up hope that has focuses on equestrian training because somehow horses and and girls and working

00:36:00.960 with horses is therapeutic and can really help people who are struggling especially with anxiety and

00:36:07.560 depression and abuse and and setbacks like that and so they set up bridle up hope and then they also

00:36:14.700 the first component is the equestrian training the second component is learning some life skills my

00:36:20.980 brother sean wrote seven habits of highly effective teens which is my dad's material of seven habits

00:36:28.020 for people but but specifically for teenagers that's really a great book that teaches life skills so they

00:36:35.420 go through these 13 or 14 classes and learn how to handle a horse and they have these life lessons that

00:36:42.200 that teach you about taking control of the horse like taking control of your life and and choosing to be

00:36:48.380 a leader and different things then they learn life skills through the seven habits for teens and the last

00:36:53.800 component is service they give back they help muck out stalls they they help teach other people they

00:37:01.200 mentor they do they give back and so it's been 10 years and a thousand girls more than a thousand girls

00:37:07.680 have gone through this program and many of them have said after that it changed their life and actually

00:37:13.320 saved their life i think 93 of the parents said that this was life-changing for their child

00:37:19.280 and so in their in their sorrow and this enormous life-changing experience that they had

00:37:25.460 they chose crescendo mentality and now it is blessing thousands of young girls who similarly struggle

00:37:32.760 so they found the why and then they use the resourcefulness and initiative it made something

00:37:37.960 good happen yes so we've been talking about middle age kind of how to navigate some of the problems

00:37:43.600 that can happen there but let's say you get past middle age right you're like in your

00:37:47.320 late 60s 70s you're retired and like i know a lot of our listeners are probably not there but

00:37:52.980 you're going to be that that age at some point so you got to think about this now what are the

00:37:56.540 challenges there that you face in trying to live life in crescendo and how can you counter those

00:38:01.760 challenges right brett you mentioned and i love the i love the mission of your of your work you know

00:38:08.660 to it's exactly living in crescendo for men encouraging and challenging men to produce more

00:38:15.560 and to assimilate what they learn and to be successful in their most important roles and

00:38:20.840 and it's a you know it's a great mission i've got to say brett that you're about i can see that it's

00:38:26.420 something that is important to you and your wife after reading about it and and i just wanted to

00:38:32.680 compliment you on that it's it's inspiring for me to read about it well thank you so much but you know

00:38:38.680 my father always quoted peter drucker and and abraham lincoln was also attributed to this quote so we

00:38:45.060 don't know who it is but he said the best way to predict your future is to create it and so if men are

00:38:52.060 in their 30s 40s 50s or whatever they're not in the second half of life stage that we call it now

00:38:57.900 then it's important to look ahead and think how how am i going to determine how am i going to respond

00:39:05.540 when i am old older and my father said it was a false dichotomy that society gives you to choose

00:39:13.800 keep working or retire and he said the third alternative is make a contribution which you can do

00:39:21.600 while you're still working which he chose to do into his 70s and he would have kept going if he

00:39:26.920 hadn't passed away but we all know people that are still very active and contribute in their 70s 80s

00:39:34.540 90s even and are working happy to do that and then others if they choose to retire from a job or he said

00:39:42.140 retire from your job or career but never retire from making meaningful contributions to others

00:39:48.340 and in our family retire was a bad word the r word we didn't say it it was a it was a a bad word

00:39:56.480 because in society it means to basically live in diminuendo and shut down don't accomplish a lot

00:40:03.440 don't don't give but let me tell you a story of a person named mike mason that i just heard about

00:40:09.600 63 year old man from virginia who served his country was a captain in the marines

00:40:15.840 and then became the number four man in the fbi and was in the fbi for many years you know sometimes

00:40:23.480 representing the fbi by speaking and pretty really high up and then he retired from that and became

00:40:30.560 an executive in a fortune 100 company finally was finished with his career and he said i retired to

00:40:37.520 the as a coo of a rocking chair and retirement did not sit well he said i still had a mind and had

00:40:44.980 things i was capable of doing he said but i determined if i was going to do something it had to be very

00:40:50.800 important and have a big payout and worthy of my time and he said the the choice was clear he looked

00:40:58.900 around in virginia in his chesterfield county school district and found that bus drivers were down 125

00:41:06.320 drivers and so he he gave his resume he turned in his resume to become a bus driver and somebody up

00:41:15.340 high uh called him and said um i'm just checking you're you're seriously going to you know you're

00:41:21.240 probably would be the most qualified school driver in america you've been the number four man in the fbi

00:41:26.960 and now you're going to be a bus driver and he said that there are no unimportant jobs here he said what

00:41:34.820 can be more important than the attention we give to our education system he said so yes i'm accepting

00:41:41.180 this job and i i am continuing to advance in my career i love how he said that so he advances in his

00:41:49.140 career by taking a thirty thousand dollar job which he donated the money to charity and he is transporting

00:41:56.520 kids to school which he felt like that's an important thing our education system so anyway i i really

00:42:04.680 you know in the second half of life that's the time where you have the most wisdom the most experience

00:42:11.660 the most time maybe the most money and influence and the most knowledge to really contribute so are you

00:42:20.900 going to you know retire to florida and and lay out and drink pina coladas and enjoy yourself and rest

00:42:28.120 where uh some a dr selvik says that you will get retirement disease kills people he said that you

00:42:36.960 need you stress in your life and that's the helpful beneficial stress so you need to have you know a lot

00:42:44.620 of people's tendency is to pull away socially and to not be as engaged as they are when they were working

00:42:51.320 in a job or a career but it's better to go with your foot fully on the accelerator rather than to

00:42:59.300 go in idle you need to keep contributing all right so shift from career to contribution and then another

00:43:05.040 principle your dad talks about in the second half of life is focus on creating memories what do you mean

00:43:09.800 by that that would go back to your most important roles creating memories with people that are important

00:43:17.920 to you the experiences and part of it could be in serving together create lasting memories like maybe

00:43:25.680 i'll share one with you that's personal to me i shared in the book when i was 12 years old my father

00:43:32.580 invited me to go on a trip with him for his work to san francisco and for a 12 year old who lived in

00:43:39.660 salt lake city to go to san francisco and hear about the famous trolley cars he described and all the

00:43:45.820 wonderful things that they had there this was just magical and so for a few months we part of the fun

00:43:52.700 was talking about it and planning what we were going to do and so the plan was that after his

00:43:57.860 after his speech his presentation he said oh you've heard me before just just go swimming at the hotel and

00:44:04.240 and do what you want during the day and then come join me the last 20 minutes and so after he was

00:44:10.920 going to finish his presentation our plan was to catch a trolley car and to drive ride all over the

00:44:16.800 hills and enjoy the magic of that and then we would go shopping in some of the famous stores i've heard

00:44:22.900 about that and maybe get a couple school clothes and then we had a plan to go to chinatown we both love

00:44:29.860 chinese food and so he was telling me about this authentic chinese food and how much we'd love it and

00:44:35.140 what chinatown was like and we're excited planning that and then we'd take a taxi back to the hotel

00:44:41.180 just in time to go swimming before it closed and then we'd order a hot fudge sundae and watch the

00:44:46.520 late show stay up late and we had this whole night planned and a 12 year old's mind it was it was just

00:44:52.480 the greatest thing we were ever going to do and so it was going according to plan i was at the back of

00:44:58.060 the room and he was making his way toward me when all of a sudden he ran into one of his old college

00:45:04.160 friends that he hadn't seen for a long time but a man that that he talked about one of his good friends

00:45:10.160 and i'd always heard about the stories and things that they'd done together and how much they loved each

00:45:14.980 other and this guy was so excited and said oh i'm so i came knowing you were speaking today we live in

00:45:20.520 the city and i'd like to invite you to come down on the wharf and have some seafood and we'll have a great

00:45:26.380 time and catch up and my dad seemed excited to see him and said oh you know i've got my daughter

00:45:32.220 here also and he looked over and said oh yeah well she could join us too and i thought oh gosh i just

00:45:38.680 want to spend my night with an old person i don't know and eat seafood which i hated and you know 0.93

00:45:44.760 where's my trolley car and i just kind of thought our whole plans were falling apart and my dad was

00:45:51.020 embracing him and said oh bob it's so great to see you and i would love to do that with you but not

00:45:57.840 tonight cynthia and i have a special date planned don't we honey and he winked at me and grabbed my

00:46:04.400 hand and we ran out the door and i saw my trolley car come back in view and it kind of choked me up

00:46:10.380 and i said but dad this is your good friend from college i'm sure you'd rather spend time with him

00:46:16.220 and you haven't seen him for so long and he said are you kidding i wouldn't miss this for anything

00:46:21.180 you'd rather have chinese food anyway wouldn't you let's go catch that trolley car and so this this

00:46:28.200 seemingly small inter you know exchange between us taught me so much about the priority i was in his

00:46:36.380 life and about first things first and about keeping promises and trust and it served as a foundation for

00:46:43.820 our relationship throughout our lives and so i think it's important to create meaningful memories

00:46:49.860 with your family and with in your most important roles that can mean a lot to people as they look

00:46:56.600 back on them and kind of serve as a foundation of of trust and love in their life yeah it's how you

00:47:02.860 create your legacy too that's right yeah create a legacy so at the end of the book you talk about

00:47:08.660 your father's end of life shortly before he died he was diagnosed with dementia how did he and your

00:47:17.260 family like start try to apply those live life and crescendo mentality to this diagnosis well brett we

00:47:25.200 had to practice what we were preaching about this because we had three really hard trials right in a

00:47:30.380 row within a couple years and one was one was my mom had back surgery that didn't go well and she 0.80

00:47:38.080 ended up in a wheelchair the rest of her life and about the same time our father started acting kind of

00:47:43.980 different he's so passionate and has so much empathy and cares so much and and he became you know kind of

00:47:52.420 estranged a little bit and not interested in what was going on apathetic and he was diagnosed with front

00:47:59.760 temple dementia which just stunned us they always say that if you use your mind you won't lose it but

00:48:06.080 apparently that wasn't the case and there's a lot of hereditary things that go into that

00:48:10.420 but so we had to face that we had a mother in a wheelchair physically couldn't do anything and

00:48:17.140 struggling and a father with dementia and us nine kids you know we had to determine you know how are

00:48:24.180 we going to respond to this and we pulled together our faith helped us our relationships with each other

00:48:30.700 and we determined we're going to we're going to get through it and make this the best we can and make

00:48:35.660 life wonderful for our parents just like they did for us and so we supported them both and did

00:48:41.700 everything we could to make their life comfortable and well and when our father passed away it was a

00:48:49.460 difficult thing but we felt like you know he was free of what happened to him and it was and it was a

00:48:54.340 blessing in the long run but with our mother and and to say something about my dad we determined that

00:49:00.100 he lived in crescendo until he couldn't do it anymore and sometimes people this is important

00:49:05.620 to know because sometimes you do have serious health issues and you have things that are so

00:49:11.100 challenging that take over your life and so you you do the best you can you he lived he lived in

00:49:18.140 crescendo life until he literally mentally couldn't do that anymore and then with our mother she was in this

00:49:25.420 wheelchair and you know part of it was you know she had the usual depression that came from all this and

00:49:30.800 things that happened and she took control of her life and bounced back in a beautiful way we needed our

00:49:37.560 mom and she she knew that she was the matriarch of you know nine kids and 55 grandkids and lots of 1.00

00:49:44.620 great grandkids and she she did what she could to she did everything that she did before but in a

00:49:51.620 wheelchair and she still went to football games and basketball and went to our events and was involved

00:49:57.580 in her lives as much as she could and she lived in crescendo to the very end she didn't let that

00:50:03.240 being in a wheelchair and having all these physical ailments determine what she was going to do it would 0.84

00:50:10.280 take her like two hours for someone to help her get ready in the morning and some people would have 1.00

00:50:14.900 thought just stay in your pajamas you don't need to dress up and she it was important to her to get ready

00:50:20.500 and have things to do that day and just just in closing telling about her she planned a 12th night

00:50:27.800 party i don't know if you remember in shakespeare the play the 12th night 12th night kind of represents

00:50:34.500 is january 12th and after christmas is over there's kind of a letdown and uh so january 12th she would

00:50:42.520 have 12th night parties throughout her life and she hosted one right before she died she she planned it

00:50:50.300 she didn't tell us because she knew we would have tried to stop her from doing it because every time

00:50:55.780 she tried to plan a big party or an event she would end up in the hospital so she did it privately and

00:51:02.620 when we found out about it we're like mom you can't do this again you always get sick after and she said

00:51:08.060 it's already planned i can do what i want it's you get all invited it's january 12th well she passed away

00:51:14.940 on that day that's the day she died and so living in crescendo to the very end planning something

00:51:21.380 wonderful for all of us to come to and enjoy with her family and friends um looking ahead from christmas

00:51:28.940 where you felt like it's over and some excitement to look forward to on this great 12th night party

00:51:34.500 and so it was it was fitting to us that that she planned that right and it happened on the day she

00:51:40.340 passed away that was 2020 well cynthia this has been a great conversation where can people go to

00:51:46.140 learn more about the book oh you're so nice brett for hosting me it's just on amazon or barnes and

00:51:52.820 noble and everywhere so you can look up cynthia covey howler i'm on twitter and instagram and facebook

00:51:59.920 but it's just been out a month and i'm thrilled that it's out because it was it was my father's i

00:52:07.980 shouldn't say last and final really because that would defeat the crescendo mentality model right

00:52:12.920 but but you can see that you know his legacy still is going on through this book and and his main goal

00:52:20.540 was to help inspire others to give them hope in their life that that they can do what they plan to do

00:52:28.720 that they can make their life wonderful even if it doesn't seem like it is that they still have a lot

00:52:34.660 to contribute ahead of them and to be hopeful cheerful and optimistic and to and to go for it

00:52:42.020 do it as long as you can live in crescendo well cynthia covey howler thanks so much time it's been

00:52:46.780 a pleasure thank you brett thanks for hosting me my guest today was cynthia covey howler she's the 1.00

00:52:53.160 co-author of the book live life in crescendo it's available on amazon.com and bookstores everywhere

00:52:57.300 make sure to check out our show notes at awm.is slash crescendo where you find links to resources

00:53:01.380 where you delve deeper into this topic well that wraps up another edition of the awm podcast make

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The Art of Manliness - November 14, 2022

Live Life in Crescendo

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