The Art of Manliness - The 5 Allies Every Man Needs

00:00:00.000 brett mckay here and welcome to another edition of the art of manliness podcast when it comes to

00:00:11.440 improving our lives and reaching our goals we often think of changing our personal habits and

00:00:15.320 routines we think about ourselves but don't look outside ourselves but my guests would say that if

00:00:19.760 we really want to change and make progress we also need to surround ourselves with positive

00:00:23.360 strengthening people in particular five types of allies of glory who can truly help us be our best

00:00:28.360 his name is antonio nevs and he's an author speaker podcaster success coach today on the show

00:00:33.220 antonio and i discuss the importance of relationships and moving us forward in our

00:00:36.460 personal career goals the difference between allies who facilitate that progress and the

00:00:39.640 thieves who hinder it and how to minimize the influence the latter have on us we then get

00:00:43.220 into the five kinds of allies antonio says we need in our lives and he unpacks what each of

00:00:46.900 these allies offers we enter conversation with antonio's advice on how to find these allies

00:00:50.460 and expand your social professional networks after the show's over check out our show notes

00:00:54.000 at aom.is slash allies antonio joins you now via clearcast.io

00:00:58.600 all right antonio nez welcome back to the show oh what an honor what a joy it is to be here with

00:01:15.820 you again thanks for having me so we had you on last year to talk about your book stop living on

00:01:20.060 autopilot take responsibility for your life and rediscover a bolder happier you and in that book

00:01:25.540 one of the things you talked about and sort of getting started with these these goals you have

00:01:29.520 in life is to think about your relationships because i think a lot of times when people think about

00:01:34.580 making changes in their life they think about their personal habits their routines things like that

00:01:40.140 it's it's all about themselves but they don't think outside themselves but something you've been

00:01:44.960 really pushing for a long time now is that relationships play a big role in personal

00:01:51.020 development why are relationships so key in enabling us to change and grow yeah well first you know this

00:01:58.260 habits and routines just aren't enough and it makes me think about this classic quote from will

00:02:03.280 rogers and he says a man only learns in two ways one by reading and the other by the association

00:02:10.360 with smarter people and i find that to be 100 true and i've said for the longest time the three things

00:02:16.980 that will positively improve your life are the right people the right people and the right people

00:02:23.620 and just to back up a little bit you know that the problem and this is something you've talked about on

00:02:27.940 this podcast i'm so thankful that you have is that even prior to the pandemic i mean there were

00:02:32.860 studies that found that loneliness was at epidemic levels in the united states so much so that it was

00:02:39.020 declared like a public health crisis and it's been estimated that one out of five one out of five

00:02:45.140 americans say they have no one to talk to when they're going through a tough time and we know like

00:02:51.160 just people's mental health and substance abuse issues and burnout have just been on the rise and that's

00:02:57.300 just been exacerbated so in a time when we straight up needed each other more than ever so many of us have

00:03:03.940 been disconnected and what i found personally in my life with the clients that i work with and

00:03:09.620 through the hundreds of people that i've interviewed over the course of my career if not thousands

00:03:14.060 that the right relationships and the right communities make us better you know the right

00:03:19.820 relationships the right people the right community in many ways are like what water are

00:03:23.940 to a plant without them it's it's kind of like being in a dry desert where it's hard for life to

00:03:31.020 survive it's hard for it to grow but relationships community is it's the fuel that keeps us going

00:03:38.080 especially especially during challenging times well there's that that saying that you hear often like

00:03:43.680 the personal development circles you know you're the average of the five people you hang out with the

00:03:48.020 most and i think there's something to that i mean i don't know if there's any been any empirical

00:03:51.540 research done on that but in my experience that is true like i tend to act like or sort of model

00:03:59.740 the people i'm around the most and and i've seen that in the lives of you know friends in high

00:04:05.480 school there's always that moment where you see a kid they go with the wrong crowd for example and

00:04:10.600 they just their life goes a different trajectory compared to the kid who stays with a positive

00:04:14.580 uplifting crowd their life goes a completely different trajectory because of the people they

00:04:18.700 surround themselves with i agree with you 100 and we've always heard that cliche thing is the five

00:04:24.660 people you surround yourself with now i think it goes beyond that so beyond even the people you

00:04:28.800 spend time with physically i invite people right now just to just to pull out their phone and look

00:04:34.600 at their last five text messages and ask themselves what were these text message exchanges were they

00:04:39.860 powerful were they were they positive were they empowering were they encouraging or no were they

00:04:45.700 drama filled was their gossip was it negative also the people i spend my time with are the people that

00:04:51.960 are in my ears i'm fortunate enough i get to spend a lot of time with you and your guests when i'm

00:04:58.120 walking around so these days i don't think it's just a physical but it's also what we pour into

00:05:03.040 ourselves through what we read through what we listen to through what we consume text etc so it's

00:05:09.740 not just a physical it goes so far beyond no i was having this conversation with my kids the other day

00:05:15.080 about sort of educating your desires right and this idea i was trying to get to like there's all sorts of

00:05:21.320 organizations and people out there who want to change what you desire we talked about advertisers they

00:05:26.900 want you to desire the stuff they're they're selling and so a youtuber might be wanting you to

00:05:32.880 listen to this idea so they're so i was trying to get home to the ideas like you got to be really

00:05:37.620 intentional and careful about the things you consume or the people you interact with because

00:05:43.160 subtly you might not know it or not they are modeling a way of life for you and if you want that

00:05:49.860 way of life to be positive uplifting ennobling enabling then make sure you've you know surround

00:05:55.980 yourself with people not just physically like you're saying but also just in ether the podcast

00:06:00.380 the youtube channels you view the the things you read make sure they're also shaping you or directing

00:06:06.700 you towards where you want to go in life yeah i couldn't agree 100 more i think about even like my

00:06:12.360 young kids my wife and i we have six-year-old twins and based on what they're listening to or what

00:06:17.540 they're watching when they get to watch something we can sometimes see a real profound shift in their mood

00:06:23.720 in their energy it's the same thing with me when i listen to podcasts like i could be having a pretty

00:06:29.960 bad day but i can go on a walk and listen to a podcast and feel like i have a conversation with

00:06:34.560 you or someone else and learn and it can change the whole mood of my day it's the same thing when

00:06:40.020 it comes to music like i love music i like aggressive hip-hop music when i run but let me tell you

00:06:46.020 something i i do not want to go into a meeting right after listening to aggressive hip-hop or rock and roll

00:06:52.020 music so what we consume what we listen to changes everything about our dynamics and how we interact

00:06:59.740 with the world so in your last book stop leaving on autopilot you talked about there are two types of

00:07:05.540 people in our life relations we have there are allies those that we want allies in our lives and

00:07:11.200 at the same time you say we need to get rid of thieves in our lives what's the difference between

00:07:15.560 allies and thieves yeah well the first time i came across this concept was way back in undergrad when

00:07:21.220 i was on the track and field team at western michigan university in kalamazoo michigan and one

00:07:26.300 day my head coach came up to me and after two years of being on the team i was doing horrible but he

00:07:32.080 pointed something out to me he said you know in two years of being on this roster not once have i seen

00:07:37.180 you spend time with those two guys and he pointed to two guys on the track and these were two all

00:07:42.420 americans two of the best athletes in the country one would go on to compete in the olympics

00:07:47.240 another one would go on to compete in multiple world championships he said in two years you have

00:07:52.500 not spent any time with these people and he said instead you're hanging out with those guys and he

00:07:57.740 pointed over to a group of guys that were hanging out on the high jump mat laughing and having a good

00:08:02.480 time now here's the wild thing those guys on the high jump mat laughing and having a good time that

00:08:06.980 they weren't bad people they weren't committing crimes but they were not all americans and in a way

00:08:13.300 coach shaw introduced me to this concept of thieves and allies and i look at thieves i call them thieves

00:08:19.160 of ambition these are those people that don't encourage you that don't inspire you there's people

00:08:24.840 that don't challenge you or push you or hold you accountable to be the best version of yourself

00:08:29.920 you know to get more specific these are those people that in some shape or form they always have

00:08:36.360 drama going on in their lives i guarantee people listening right now you probably can identify one person

00:08:42.180 in your life who always have some type of drama going on in their lives and thieves are also people

00:08:48.500 that they're what my friend the author john gordon calls energy vampires when you spend time with them

00:08:54.460 they wear you out but on the flip side we can spend time with allies allies of glory these are these

00:09:00.960 amazing men and women that have a unique set of skills and expertise and they encourage you they inspire

00:09:07.040 you they challenge you they push you and they they hold you accountable to be the best version of

00:09:12.580 yourself these people when you spend time with them they don't wear you out they don't drain energy

00:09:17.760 from you know that they fire you up these people don't have drama going on in their lives they have

00:09:24.900 great things going on in their lives you know i've had the opportunity over the course of my career as a journalist

00:09:30.780 but also as a coach to to interview and work with amazing ceos executives politicians grammy and oscar award winners

00:09:37.900 you name it and there's a reason why these super accomplished people you know that they work with coaches

00:09:43.840 and they surround themselves with people that make them better you know allies they provide objectivity

00:09:49.520 they can see things from an objective and unbiased point of view that on our own we're likely to miss

00:09:56.440 and what i've found over the course of my life and i'm curious of your perspective is that sometimes

00:10:00.560 our family and friends can't always play this role for us because they're a little bit too close in

00:10:07.580 their anything but objective no i think that's true because it's also they've they've got a relationship

00:10:14.640 with the the you of the past or the current you and whenever you try to you know if you want something

00:10:21.140 different that disrupts their their relationship with you because it's now things are different

00:10:26.760 between you and them and that can be uncomfortable and so they might not you know they might not

00:10:30.840 outright sabotage you but they're not going to probably encourage you as much as you'd hope they

00:10:37.760 would yeah i think you put that perfectly in many ways this makes me smile a little bit that many people

00:10:43.240 who know us well they have a vested interest in us staying the same because when we don't stay the same

00:10:51.000 when things change when we grow when we find certain markers of success in our life that can cause

00:10:56.600 friction with them in fact you know i talk about how sometimes it can actually threaten people it can

00:11:03.080 scare people when we grow and i think that's not because it's malicious i think because in many ways

00:11:08.560 as they they see us grow they see us stretch ourselves they see all of a sudden wow they're spending

00:11:13.240 time with these different this different community now etc they're listening to different things

00:11:17.600 or showing up to different events what it does is that it can hold up a mirror to all the things

00:11:23.740 that they're not doing in their own lives and that can cause some internal friction to happen and that's

00:11:29.680 when sometimes those passive aggressive comments can show up or oh you're too good for us now slow down

00:11:36.240 you're making the rest of us look bad that's when those kind of things can show up though they may not

00:11:40.760 even be aware that they're experiencing some internal friction yeah i mean there's a mixture of envy going

00:11:46.760 on perhaps and i think a lot of it's just fear that there i think sometimes people get afraid that they're

00:11:51.460 going to get left behind and that's that can be frightening that that's spot on especially when you hear

00:11:56.680 something and you've probably heard this over the course as this podcast has exploded over the years

00:12:01.060 when you oh must be nice right must be nice to have a top podcast yeah it is nice and but they don't know

00:12:07.400 about they don't think about episode one when there are only a few listeners or at the very beginning

00:12:12.920 when you're doing this and managing so many other things and you know we have the opportunity hopefully

00:12:18.020 to invite them to go on that journey that we're on and they can join us as well so you know you're

00:12:22.760 saying i think one of the things you're getting at here sometimes the thieves in our lives are often

00:12:27.000 the people we have the closest relationship we're talking friends and family so how do you do you have

00:12:32.100 any advice on i i don't want to say like i don't think you're saying like well you just got to cut

00:12:37.500 those people off you got to cut your mom off completely or this is your best friend or even

00:12:42.720 like you know you're talking about those those track buddies you hung out with like they weren't bad

00:12:45.700 guys they weren't going they weren't doing drugs they weren't in jail but they were holding you back

00:12:50.160 in a way so how do you how do you get those thieves out of your life but in i guess a humane way

00:12:55.680 is what i'm trying to get at that's a great way to put it in a in a delicate way in a humane way

00:13:01.240 first and this is i think the world would be much better off all of us would be much better off if

00:13:08.360 we were willing to have some tough 10 minute conversations right now every we all probably

00:13:15.040 there's a tough conversation that probably needs to take place with your spouse with someone in the

00:13:20.780 office with a friend a family member that for whatever reason we've been unwilling to have that

00:13:26.980 tough 10 minute conversation i think sometimes funny enough that's what being a man that's what

00:13:31.600 being an adult is about being willing to have those uncomfortable conversations to be practical

00:13:37.220 if there are some thieves in your life folks that are draining energy and they're not positive

00:13:42.460 what i recommend is doing exactly that have a conversation with that individual not not a text

00:13:48.920 message exchange have a real conversation with that individual and you know invite them on their

00:13:54.540 journey let them know tell them straight up what you're up to what your goals are what you're looking

00:14:00.000 to achieve in your life and this is the challenging one right here also let them know what your expectations

00:14:06.100 are for their friendship moving forward and go from there what you're doing is you're not saying

00:14:11.560 i'm cutting you off i'm leaving you alone instead of what you're doing in many ways is you're making 0.98

00:14:16.820 an invitation for them to to join you and just the courage to have that conversation can can positively

00:14:24.120 change so many different things i mean it doesn't mean that you'll never see or talk these people

00:14:29.340 again no but if they don't decide to go on the journey with you but what that will require for you to do

00:14:35.180 is yes to create some some clear boundaries and decide when or when not you're going to be in

00:14:41.060 certain people's presence and and just briefly you talked about family now family this one can be

00:14:47.000 super challenging obviously because they're not going anywhere again i invite folks to have that

00:14:53.800 conversation with them and if it's a loved one say and i talk to so many people they're like antonio

00:14:59.060 i hear you on this but guess who's not on my journey with me guess who's been a thief they say their

00:15:03.960 spouse so you can imagine how tough that one is my spouse so sometimes you have to go into counseling

00:15:09.400 or therapy to get support with that and if for whatever reason they're unable to shift again

00:15:15.460 there are some types of boundaries that need to be made and maybe even some big decisions down the road

00:15:21.860 so it's not easy but i'm inviting people to be courageous and to be bold to be willing to have

00:15:27.960 some tough conversations the results of that conversation they might just surprise you i'm curious when you

00:15:33.880 had that conversation with your track coach about the thieves you were hanging out with did that change

00:15:37.880 you your behavior like you started hanging out with the all americans that changed so much at that

00:15:43.160 time i was a walk-on it was my sophomore year of college i walked on the track and field team i could

00:15:48.520 have been cut at any moment from that team i had loved track and field since seeing carl lewis

00:15:53.340 win four gold medals in los angeles in 1984 there's nothing more than i i wanted than that

00:15:59.020 and yes that changed me spending more time with those allies learning from them seeing how they show up

00:16:05.500 every single day learning from their standards and their values and most importantly their level of

00:16:10.720 commitment that i did not have and what that led to is two years a couple years later i found myself

00:16:16.540 an all-conference triple jumper no i never became an olympian or ncaa champion but i did become an

00:16:23.660 all-conference triple jumper i earned a partial scholarship which was cool because my mom was paying for a

00:16:29.220 portion of my tuition on a credit card at that time and it showed me how to show up differently and that

00:16:37.240 has impacted my career ever since then that that coach shaw and that message is sticks with me every

00:16:45.460 single day all right so take a look at your life look at the thieves the people who are sucking energy

00:16:50.860 out of you like they're those vampires in your life maybe not enough it's not intentional oftentimes

00:16:55.240 but find out people who are kind of getting in the way of goals you have of improving yourself and

00:16:59.840 then if you need to you have a tough conversation doesn't have to be mean just be like hey i love you

00:17:04.320 you mean a lot to me but this is where i want to go with my life and i'd love your support if you

00:17:08.680 can't do that that's fine i completely understand and then establishing boundaries that's that's it and

00:17:13.660 i also have to add we're talking about other people right now but of course it's also important

00:17:17.720 for us to be allies to others as well we have to evaluate and audit our own behavior and say hey am i

00:17:23.420 showing up right now as a thief yeah my friend my spouse or am i showing up as an ally that's a good

00:17:28.940 point i've oftentimes we think about other people being the the thieves but we might am i being the

00:17:33.580 thief am i the am i the energy suck here that's that's always good to turn that question on you

00:17:38.040 absolutely a fun question to ask ourselves i do this in training sometimes at organizations

00:17:43.000 is to ask the question what shows up when you show up when you show up do things get better or do

00:17:49.800 they get worse because we all can think of that example of go you're at a party you're having a

00:17:53.920 great time at the party and then the door opens and somebody walks in and you see who it is and

00:17:58.820 you're like oh no this party is about to turn a negative corner or you've been in that meeting

00:18:04.800 at work and it's that meeting when progress is being made people are are making firm commitments

00:18:11.200 momentum is happening and then that that door to the conference room opens and that person shows up

00:18:17.540 and you know like you know all the progress we just made is going to be lost because this person

00:18:22.880 is going to come in playing devil's advocate non-stop so what shows up when you show up the

00:18:28.020 goal for when we show up and when people think about us is for things to get better yeah you don't

00:18:34.160 want to you want to be the guy that everyone's excited when they show up and sad when you leave

00:18:39.380 you don't want to be the guy that everyone just gets bummed when you show up and are happy when you

00:18:43.900 get out of there 100 we're gonna take a quick break for your word from our sponsors

00:18:49.500 and now back to the show all right so we've been talking about thieves let's talk about allies and

00:18:56.120 you talked about this in your first book but you've been fleshing this idea out more and you've been

00:19:00.600 saying that there are there are five allies everyone needs in their life and let's talk about these five

00:19:05.560 starting with the encourager who is the encourager yeah the encourager is that individual that

00:19:12.440 that does the work that a lot of people don't see but when this person is around in your life

00:19:17.500 you always seem to be at your best i think about like during tough spells they they're willing to

00:19:23.460 always support you with perspective and that unwavering commitment that they're rooting for you

00:19:28.420 like in sports this is that person that's just consistent they're not the mvp but they show up they

00:19:33.220 have a strong 301 batting average a high on base percentage and they're probably uh underrated in many

00:19:39.800 regards they're consistent they're not fair weather and when i think about the encourager in some ways

00:19:44.640 i think about this character in the apple series uh ted lasso in many ways even though he's the lead

00:19:50.280 character in that television show ted lasso is that encourager for everyone in his life we could we

00:19:56.320 could all use an encourager in our life who's the encourager in your life wow what a fantastic question

00:20:02.060 well one i gotta say i'm fortunate enough to have my wife as my encourager as i'm just thinking about

00:20:06.980 last night sitting on the couch with her while i was editing something that needed some love and

00:20:11.320 and she was there to to encourage me as an ally i have a few quite a few people in my life that that

00:20:19.760 give me a lot of virtual high fives even when they they somehow they know when i need it and in the

00:20:25.060 field of work that i do you know as a coach as a speaker and an author and maybe you can relate to

00:20:29.880 this a lot of the work that i do is it's isolating i do a lot of work by myself when i'm not on stages

00:20:35.000 in front of a lot of people and i think sometimes we forget that the encourager which i consider

00:20:39.820 myself needs an encourager so who encourages the encourager so i'm fortunate enough to have a good

00:20:47.280 number of people in my life that do that all right so basically the encourager is someone who's you can

00:20:51.080 go to who's going to give you those high fives give you the pats on the back saying hey you're doing

00:20:55.400 a good job things aren't as bad as you think because i think everyone has had those moments where man

00:20:59.420 everything's just terrible i'm not doing well an encourager probably brings some objectivity to

00:21:05.760 the scene because they say actually things aren't as bad as you think they are you're actually doing

00:21:09.520 pretty dang good that's what they're doing for you yeah they're always rooting for you it's that

00:21:12.880 person even when you have a bad day even when you messed up if you go to go have a a walk with them

00:21:18.320 or a beer with them they're not going to sit there and tell you everything you did wrong they may just

00:21:22.120 sit there with you yeah they may just be there with you know that i'm here and sometimes those two

00:21:26.560 words are powerful i'm here okay so this could be a spouse could be a friend could be a colleague

00:21:31.300 the next ally is the playmaker what is the playmaker the playmaker is that person that we all have in

00:21:38.500 our life that you know in some shape or form they're making some great things happen it's that person that

00:21:43.760 has that infectious energy and when you need a jolt you know of creativity energy or motivation they are

00:21:50.060 your go-to person the playmaker is interesting because they move fast and they don't have a lot of

00:21:56.040 patience for for indecision they regularly make decisions they're that person that reminds you

00:22:02.020 that if you miss a shot just keep shooting you know these days when i think about the playmaker

00:22:08.280 and this may be a bit polarizing for some people i think about people like steph curry or i think about

00:22:13.640 even someone like elon musk like whether you like these people or not one thing they're going to keep

00:22:20.980 doing they're going to keep shooting they're going to keep thinking big and they're going to keep

00:22:25.700 getting after it and i think we need people in our life to keep us fired up in that regard

00:22:31.400 so these people they're they are you're looking to the playmaker to model proactivity and like an

00:22:37.940 action-oriented bias towards life 100 they keep you moving forward thinking forward they're not going

00:22:45.600 to let you soak on what that how you messed up what happened yesterday etc and again they have good

00:22:51.000 things going on in their life so that they're a great model to keep moving and to dream big and

00:22:55.960 to think big as you're describing the playmaker i imagine that older men would probably find their

00:23:03.600 playmaker in a younger guy right it's like you know an older guy they've probably done it all they've

00:23:08.780 probably feel like they kind of you kind of become complacent but a younger guy they've got nothing to

00:23:13.600 lose so they're more willing to take those big actions those big risks i think there's something

00:23:17.700 to having those relationships with younger individuals because it i don't know if it

00:23:22.060 reminds you it's kind of weird i'm like i'm hitting i'm getting to middle age now so i'm like thinking

00:23:26.200 about that sort of stuff yeah but it reminds you like yeah you can still take action there's something

00:23:31.160 about the energy you get from those younger people that can can spur you on as well yeah i think

00:23:36.100 reverse mentoring is so important but odds are we probably can think of certain stages in our life

00:23:41.180 where we were that playmaker i mean i can still think back to moving to new york city

00:23:45.060 with less than a thousand dollars in my bank account with dreams of breaking into the television

00:23:49.260 industry and i was hungry i was bold i was courageous i was optimistic i think a lot of times

00:23:55.560 it's funny now that you say that a lot of times when people say things like i miss the old days what

00:24:01.340 they're really saying is i miss who i was how i showed up in the old days because i don't show up

00:24:07.940 like that person anymore right so having yeah that that playmaker kind of remind you about that

00:24:13.520 can help you get that back exactly okay so we got encourager we got playmaker the next ally

00:24:20.040 you've described is the facilitator who's this guy the facilitator is that person they see the

00:24:25.680 they always can see the big picture and they can support you and let's say in managing the flow

00:24:31.080 of information i mean you can probably think about this person kind of like a project manager

00:24:35.420 that they're really good at knowing when you can speed things up or when you can slow things down

00:24:41.360 they can see things that you probably can't see because they're seeing the big picture they're

00:24:46.980 also a great connector and they can provide really sound guidance and advice so who are the facilitators

00:24:54.720 in your life i have a few facilitators in my life one of the key facilitators in my life is a dear

00:25:01.040 buddy of mine basam whenever i get in the muck i get stuck in the rut with an amazing skill he can

00:25:09.260 unpack all of that and help me see the bullet points and the connections and things that that i can't

00:25:15.000 see basam is brilliant at that in many ways my father prior to him getting dementia he was that person

00:25:22.560 for me as well that could could see that all right so the facilitator is the guy you're going to go into

00:25:26.900 when you get stuck with a problem you don't know how to move forward and they're there basically to

00:25:32.440 bring new perspective help you they're able to connect dots that you otherwise couldn't see or

00:25:38.340 other people couldn't see like that's what they do that's it that's the point guard on the basketball

00:25:43.320 floor uh they're they're guiding the temple of things they're at the top of the key they can see

00:25:48.280 things that you can't oh there's there's a double team over there let's call a brand new play

00:25:52.460 to get you open to create an isolation sorry to get nerd on basketball but yeah they're that point

00:25:57.160 guard and so this could be a friend it could be a father this could also be i don't know it could be

00:26:01.360 a consultant you go to as well who specializes in like because everyone's probably if you own a

00:26:06.740 business your your problem if you run a restaurant it's going to be different if you run i don't know

00:26:13.360 like you make metal siding for example so you might want to try to find a facilitator in your

00:26:19.220 respective field of work oh 100 you know right now we're talking so much personal about this but one

00:26:25.500 what another way to look at this is a board of directors or a personal board of advisors that's

00:26:32.540 one thing that board of directors do i have opportunity i've worked for startups i've covered

00:26:36.640 startups as a journalist when i was a reporter and correspondent with nbc hosting a business show

00:26:41.660 for over three years and one thing that they have are these amazing boards of directors sometimes

00:26:46.940 there are six people sometimes there are 12 people and one thing about those six to 12 people

00:26:51.220 they all have different skill sets they don't they don't need three uh facilitators or four

00:26:57.880 encouragers that they bring each person in for their individual strength that they can bring to

00:27:02.840 provide expertise to this team who's looking to grow scale increase revenue etc all right so we

00:27:09.100 got encourager we talked about playmaker we talked about the facilitator the next ally is the rock

00:27:13.480 what's this guy look like the rock is the veteran you know that's that person that when all hell is

00:27:19.380 breaking loose that they're that person that helps remind you what's most important and to provide you

00:27:24.700 with perspective this is that person who has been there and they've done it right they've been there

00:27:30.660 they've done it they're probably a veteran in some regard they're a little bit older you need this

00:27:35.040 person to help keep you grounded and supported and they help you provide you know alignment when you

00:27:41.340 think about your visions and your different goals when i think about the rock i think about star wars

00:27:46.880 you know i think about someone like obi-wan kenobi for some reason when i think about the rock when i

00:27:52.260 visualize what this person can be i think about you know someone like morgan freeman just that voice

00:27:57.720 you know provides perspective the rocks in my life are individuals that are you know much older than i am

00:28:05.220 most of them you know people have worked in fields like i have that can provide me expertise and

00:28:10.180 guidance whether it's in in the book world whether it's in parenting whether it's in leading a community

00:28:16.480 so i have those people and they've done it they've checked it off of the box and there's not much

00:28:21.760 that's going to surprise them they've heard and and seen it all all right so rock possibly an older

00:28:27.040 mentor now the playmaker is a younger mentee who mentors you exactly exactly i've never framed it

00:28:35.440 directly like that but that that's exactly what it is i like that all right so the next one is the

00:28:41.300 next alley is the last one is the bruiser who's this guy oh the bruiser this is the one we tend to

00:28:46.940 avoid the bruiser is that person that straight up always holds you accountable like they they hold you

00:28:54.260 accountable to do what you said you're going to do if you tell them like oh i'm gonna write a book

00:28:59.420 the next question they're going to ask is by when when will it be finished the bruiser are people

00:29:05.460 that are that are metrics based and they measure success kind of by the progress you do or or don't

00:29:11.540 make they're that person that provides you know good good friction uh i'm laughing because now i'm

00:29:17.400 thinking about liam neeson like in that movie taken the bruiser let me give you a real life example

00:29:22.760 of a bruiser i have a dear friend of mine i remember living in new york city and i was hanging out with

00:29:26.800 some friends that we went to go get a happy hour and my goal was to have one drink but you know what

00:29:32.400 happens you have that one drink and then your buddies your friends are saying come on just have

00:29:35.660 one more just have one more and i was about to have one more drink but there was something i wanted to

00:29:40.720 do at home and finish that night and my buddy came up to me and he said antonio don't worry about them

00:29:46.740 are they going to finish that project that you need to finish tonight no they're not going to you

00:29:53.300 don't have to make any excuses to go do what you need to do get out of here just having someone

00:29:58.360 like that in your life it can be a game changer and i have a few of those people and we all need

00:30:04.700 that person that's going to provide some some good friction on us all right so the bruiser is the guy

00:30:09.140 that holds you accountable to your goals yeah and i think one thing i want to make sure everyone

00:30:13.900 knows is as we describe these five you know types of people i want people to remember that you know

00:30:19.800 these types of allies these aren't always going to be our best friends these aren't going to be

00:30:24.780 people that we talk with every single day or kick it with all the time but when it's time to you know

00:30:29.580 quote-unquote play ball these are the folks that they're they're open for you to reach out to them

00:30:33.900 and they're going to bring out the best in you but they don't necessarily have to be like

00:30:39.060 your quote-unquote best friends and people you talk to every single day and i actually think it would

00:30:44.100 be counterproductive in some instances for them to be your best friend because like when you have a

00:30:48.100 friendship with somebody it brings in an element of you know you don't you don't want to hurt the

00:30:53.520 person's feelings or you don't want to you want to maintain the relationship right that's important

00:30:57.840 which is that's normal and natural some of these roles like the bruiser type or the playmaker they

00:31:03.860 might ask you or push you to do things that if you had a friendship with him would strain the

00:31:08.640 relationship but would you need to do it nonetheless because it would be good for your either professional

00:31:14.680 or personal goals i agree i mean i think about you think about relationships with say your spouse

00:31:19.900 i can't tell you how many times my wife has made suggestions to me to do x y or z and then i'm on

00:31:26.580 a road trip and i'm like oh honey i was talking to somebody on a plane and they said i should do this

00:31:31.920 or stop doing that and she's like well i've been telling you that for the past six months but it's so

00:31:37.560 funny how sometimes when we hear that advice somewhere else we're willing to take heed to it and listen to it

00:31:42.960 but sometimes when it's super close to it as you mentioned it doesn't have the same effect

00:31:47.460 well i've seen that in my own the life of my own kids especially my son you know i'll tell him hey

00:31:52.780 you should do this thing he's like yeah yeah yeah whatever but then when some other grown man says hey

00:31:57.500 you should do this thing he's like oh yeah that's the best idea in the world that's why didn't i think

00:32:02.020 of that before and it's like okay and i mean that's why i love it when my my son interacts with

00:32:07.820 other men who their goal is to grow and develop you know good young men because like my son's more

00:32:15.180 likely to listen to that guy as opposed to me like i i want this i want the support i want the help

00:32:20.520 i remember i had this experience a couple years ago when i wasn't coaching flag football my son's team

00:32:25.940 but there's another guy coaching and this guy was great he's a firefighter and at the end of practice

00:32:30.480 he would like teach a life skill so he was like teaching the boys how to shake hands and look people in 0.71

00:32:34.920 the eye and i remember this dad standing next to me he's like this is dumb why would you like i do 0.54

00:32:39.200 that to my kid and i was like man i want my son to like have that reiterated over and over again i'm 0.76

00:32:44.380 glad this guy's doing it because he's probably more likely to listen to that guy as he is to me

00:32:48.420 i'm so glad you just shared that i mean first i'm going to adopt that i coach i help coach my son's

00:32:53.600 baseball team and just learning that important life skill that that is so critical and something i've

00:32:59.580 learned coaching my son's baseball team which by the way has been one of the biggest challenges

00:33:03.360 of my life i'll never forget when the head coach was out one day and i was so excited

00:33:07.520 to lead practice and it was the most the biggest hot mess i've ever experienced with some some six

00:33:13.320 year olds but one thing i learned in coaching is that me and some dads one thing we do in practice

00:33:17.900 and at games is we focus on the other person's kid so paul will focus on my son i'll focus on paul's

00:33:24.920 son etc and to your point when paul is coaching my son my friend you know or i'm coaching his son

00:33:31.220 etc they listen so much better so sometimes i have to back away and allow that space for that

00:33:37.960 to happen and not be mad at it be happy about it and it's fun to observe them from a distance and see

00:33:43.060 how they show up with others yeah it's because i because the relationship gets in the way right

00:33:47.220 because like they're you and your son are so worried about yeah i'm gonna make my son feel bad or i'm gonna

00:33:52.500 disappoint dad that it ends up the the coaching just goes nowhere but if you have an outside person

00:33:58.080 doing it there's not that weird strained relationship thing going on yeah i agree and it makes me think

00:34:03.480 about this is kind of unrelated but related it said someone once said your children reserve their

00:34:08.700 worst behavior for you but they show up amazing for other people right so here's a question do these

00:34:16.840 different allies they need to be different people or could they like one person have take on two or

00:34:22.500 three of these roles i think sure depending upon the context and situation sure i think folks can play

00:34:28.020 a lot of different roles we all have different seasons in our life when different things are

00:34:32.960 taking place uh you know i'm playing certain roles with people right now as a father to new fathers that

00:34:39.060 i couldn't do obviously a few years ago now that my business is a different place i can provide some

00:34:43.760 mentoring and some tips to folks that in the past i probably couldn't and yes i do have some people in

00:34:48.860 my life that that can definitely fit multiple buckets here that i'm willing to lean on on different

00:34:54.520 topics i think the key thing is just knowing in your head like what do i most need right now that's

00:35:00.500 a question very rarely do i ask ourselves it's a great coaching question what do i most need right

00:35:05.120 now when you ask yourself that question you can identify do i need a bruiser right now do i need an

00:35:10.120 encourager a playmaker and then you can act accordingly and contact that person but here's the thing we have to

00:35:15.660 remember that nine times out of ten if not ten times out of ten people are willing to help us

00:35:21.640 like right now people are like i don't know what you're talking about and people are willing to help

00:35:25.760 us and we must be willing to ask for that help the hardest step in making this happen is picking up

00:35:31.940 the phone and making a phone call or sending an email once you do that things get pretty easy

00:35:36.180 so there's something i want to flesh out there i think it's really important what you're saying with

00:35:40.760 these allies isn't that you could have you need to have all five of these allies at all times in your

00:35:44.940 of your life it is depending on what where you are in your life you might need this particular person

00:35:50.040 doesn't necessarily mean it doesn't mean you need to have an encourager playmaker facility or rock

00:35:53.640 bruiser right now it could be like this moment in your where you are in your life maybe you just need

00:35:57.920 a rock or maybe you need an encourager and find those people yes and i'm like to your point

00:36:03.460 intentionally right now i'm investing a lot of time first adding value to these people but also learning

00:36:09.300 from a lot of quote-unquote playmakers right now like this is a season for me to to think a little

00:36:14.620 bit bigger in what i'm doing to add a zero to things if you will coming out of the past few years

00:36:21.440 where i felt myself a bit you know on cruise control some so i'm spending a lot more time with

00:36:26.720 these playmakers that are have made great things happen or continuing to make good things happen but

00:36:31.860 right i'm not always going to have all five people in my life at the exact same time and then the other

00:36:37.380 point you're making you made as well i want to just make sure people see that not only look for

00:36:41.900 these allies and other people but also turn the question back on yourself it's like well how can i

00:36:47.240 be one of these allies for the people in my life oh we have to we have to make sure we're adding value

00:36:53.940 we're providing that support how we can be this type of you know folk this type of individual for others

00:36:59.400 and i just want to remind people that these people exist in our life because a lot of people are saying

00:37:03.480 that's great but where do i find those people and we can talk more about that but i'll just say right

00:37:07.860 now you know former colleagues former classmates people that are you're connected to on linkedin

00:37:13.580 people you have met at events etc these people do exist in our lives but it just takes a little

00:37:18.940 effort to to find them well let's talk about how to flush that because i think a lot of guys have

00:37:22.860 difficulty making friends or expanding their professional or social network any like some brass

00:37:28.500 tech tips that people can do to find these allies sure first and foremost if you're just getting

00:37:34.440 started again if you've been isolated for a long time like so many people if you've been disconnected

00:37:39.060 i want to give yourself some grace some permission to have some grace and to be patient and funny enough

00:37:44.560 when it comes to making friends and creating communities like this especially as we get older it's kind of

00:37:51.720 like dating you know making new friends creating communities like this so we have to be patient

00:37:56.600 you know we have to be interested we have to make sure we're also adding value not just taking from

00:38:01.760 someone and again it takes time so so patience is key so just some practical suggestions just to

00:38:08.660 surround yourself with allies just to have a good community around you the cool thing is that if you

00:38:14.680 have a hobby or a passion that you're into there is 100 a community available around it whether it's in

00:38:23.960 person or it's virtual i don't care if it's golf frisbee computer building if you're into flying rc planes or

00:38:33.660 corvettes guns crypto jujitsu i don't care premier league soccer there is a community around it that you

00:38:39.720 can find it goes beyond that faith groups rotary clubs the city council coaching your kids sports teams

00:38:47.200 etc most of these people and these communities that you can opt into which is cool opt into are just a

00:38:55.280 google search away now but that requires some boldness and some courageousness on your part to be willing

00:39:01.320 to do that first search and then to show up and show up again even if that first experience is a little

00:39:07.000 bit odd you feel a little bit rusty and do i really want to hang out with these people and here's here's

00:39:12.700 another practical tip this one we don't talk about enough sometimes you have to write a check

00:39:18.600 like straight up sometimes you have to write a check and you have to invest in yourself by joining

00:39:25.640 a community a dad community or community for professionals or looking to do certain things

00:39:31.580 you have to write a check and invest in a group coaching program club class or something i think we

00:39:37.860 forget that sometimes that things change when we're willing to invest in ourselves and something

00:39:44.020 energetically happens when you write that check or you see that deduction from that monthly membership

00:39:50.520 coming out every single month it makes you show up a little bit differently guess what you're not

00:39:56.280 going to miss that meeting guess what you're not going to miss those office hours or that that happy hour

00:40:02.060 because you are financially vested in being there and the last thing i'll say is if what you want

00:40:09.840 does not exist guess what sometimes you're going to be called to create what you want for yourself

00:40:16.680 you you may just have to create what you need and then invite people and it may start off slow and

00:40:24.140 that's okay but you get that one person that at least to another person etc before you know it you

00:40:28.920 could have a thriving community that's together supporting each other making each other better

00:40:34.160 and celebrating one another's wins so hopefully those are some practical tips that that folks can

00:40:40.360 apply yeah and i was thinking too i i imagine you're not telling people or suggesting that people okay

00:40:45.280 they go out and they join these groups and they see some guy and you're not gonna you're you shouldn't

00:40:49.980 go up to and be like i you know what will you be my playmaker i need you to be my playmaker i don't

00:40:55.260 think it's that it's saying okay you get be social just have a good time as a human being

00:40:59.800 just form friendships form relationships and in the process you're gonna probably see people like

00:41:04.620 this guy this guy's doing stuff so i'd like to just like maybe i'll go out to lunch with him and just

00:41:09.480 talk about what he's doing i'm not i'm not there to like get anything from him i just want to hear

00:41:13.640 what he's doing and then maybe his energy of playmaking will rub off on me i mean i think a lot of times

00:41:18.780 when people hear about networking and creating they either do it really awkwardly or they don't do it

00:41:23.380 because it feels awkward it doesn't have to be awkward i think this what you're providing here

00:41:27.540 is a framework that you can lay over on relationships like oh this guy you know he's he's a really great

00:41:34.260 guy i enjoy spending time with him but he's also a facilitator type and he could help me my business

00:41:38.800 in this area see what i'm getting at i'm not i'm not trying i think i'm trying to avoid people like

00:41:42.920 being like yeah just going up to be like hey i need you to be my rock and people like what that's

00:41:47.080 weird i don't want you to that's get away from me weirdo yeah please don't please don't do that

00:41:51.980 that's exactly not what we're saying when we go into things with with an agenda people can feel

00:41:57.520 that they they can smell that they don't want to be around it however if we show up to any of these

00:42:02.760 types of communities with the intention of learning of growing and adding value so many things can

00:42:10.680 spawn from that that's why it's again once again we have to be patient what i want for all of us is

00:42:16.540 that as you mentioned earlier what shows up when you show up i want us to be associated with

00:42:21.160 greatness when when people think about us i want a smile to come on their face i want them to

00:42:25.160 associate with us with greatness and as i've built relationships around the my lifetime that have

00:42:31.400 made a key difference in my life i wouldn't be talking to you now i wouldn't have experienced all

00:42:35.520 the amazing things i have in my career without the relationships that i made the key thing i did is

00:42:41.260 i built relationships is i would always go into meetings coffees cocktails events and my energy has

00:42:47.420 always been i want to learn as much about you i want to learn as much about your story genuinely want

00:42:53.400 to learn about these individuals who i spend time with and one thing about that is people love to talk

00:42:58.520 about themselves they love to share and we can learn so much from someone else's story path etc and here's

00:43:05.460 what's amazing once you do that at some point during that conversation or another conversation down

00:43:10.760 the road that person's going to say enough about me tell me about you what are you up to what are you

00:43:16.360 looking to accomplish how can i be helpful but that only happens once we build that foundational

00:43:21.780 trust which is so essential which people try to circumvent via dms on linkedin or twitter and you just

00:43:30.440 can't do that it takes time so one thing i think it's useful to circle up with here at the end is that

00:43:35.860 while you're looking for these allies in real life you can find this sort of the sort of guidance

00:43:41.200 inspiration from allies in the media you consume so you know podcasts you listen to books you read

00:43:46.540 one thing that i found really useful in my own life is reading the biographies of great individuals

00:43:51.380 and because it gives you a model of a life that you might want and it allows you to look at your life

00:43:58.000 differently and there's this idea that i got from napoleon hill that i really like it's you know

00:44:02.440 create a cabinet of invisible advisors so you think about who are the individuals that i admire

00:44:08.120 and what can they teach me about different facets of my life and so you study them so you know could

00:44:13.800 be teddy roosevelt frederick douglas some great inventors some great media mogul study their lives

00:44:19.380 and then see how you can get inspiration from them to improve your life so i think it's another way to

00:44:24.320 look at allies well antonio this has been a great conversation where can people go to learn more about

00:44:28.480 your work yeah just head on over to the antonionevs.com the antonionevs.com and you can find

00:44:35.540 everything there fantastic well antonio nevs thanks for your time it's been a pleasure

00:44:39.640 appreciate you my guest here is antonio nevs you can find more information about his work at his

00:44:44.520 website the antonionevs.com also check out our show notes at aom.is slash allies where you find

00:44:49.540 links to resources where you delve deeper into this topic

00:44:51.620 well that wraps up another edition of the aom podcast make sure to check out our website at

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00:45:33.960 what you've heard into action

The Art of Manliness - May 04, 2022

The 5 Allies Every Man Needs

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