The 5 Allies Every Man Needs
Episode Stats
Summary
When it comes to improving our lives and reaching our goals, we often think of changing our personal habits and routines. We think about ourselves but don't look outside ourselves. But my guests would say that if we really want to change and make progress, we also need to surround ourselves with positive, strengthening people, in particular five types of allies of glory who can truly help us be our best.
Transcript
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brett mckay here and welcome to another edition of the art of manliness podcast when it comes to
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improving our lives and reaching our goals we often think of changing our personal habits and
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routines we think about ourselves but don't look outside ourselves but my guests would say that if
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we really want to change and make progress we also need to surround ourselves with positive
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strengthening people in particular five types of allies of glory who can truly help us be our best
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his name is antonio nevs and he's an author speaker podcaster success coach today on the show
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antonio and i discuss the importance of relationships and moving us forward in our
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personal career goals the difference between allies who facilitate that progress and the
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thieves who hinder it and how to minimize the influence the latter have on us we then get
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into the five kinds of allies antonio says we need in our lives and he unpacks what each of
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these allies offers we enter conversation with antonio's advice on how to find these allies
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and expand your social professional networks after the show's over check out our show notes
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at aom.is slash allies antonio joins you now via clearcast.io
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all right antonio nez welcome back to the show oh what an honor what a joy it is to be here with
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you again thanks for having me so we had you on last year to talk about your book stop living on
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autopilot take responsibility for your life and rediscover a bolder happier you and in that book
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one of the things you talked about and sort of getting started with these these goals you have
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in life is to think about your relationships because i think a lot of times when people think about
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making changes in their life they think about their personal habits their routines things like that
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it's it's all about themselves but they don't think outside themselves but something you've been
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really pushing for a long time now is that relationships play a big role in personal
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development why are relationships so key in enabling us to change and grow yeah well first you know this
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habits and routines just aren't enough and it makes me think about this classic quote from will
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rogers and he says a man only learns in two ways one by reading and the other by the association
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with smarter people and i find that to be 100 true and i've said for the longest time the three things
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that will positively improve your life are the right people the right people and the right people
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and just to back up a little bit you know that the problem and this is something you've talked about on
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this podcast i'm so thankful that you have is that even prior to the pandemic i mean there were
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studies that found that loneliness was at epidemic levels in the united states so much so that it was
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declared like a public health crisis and it's been estimated that one out of five one out of five
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americans say they have no one to talk to when they're going through a tough time and we know like
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just people's mental health and substance abuse issues and burnout have just been on the rise and that's
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just been exacerbated so in a time when we straight up needed each other more than ever so many of us have
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been disconnected and what i found personally in my life with the clients that i work with and
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through the hundreds of people that i've interviewed over the course of my career if not thousands
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that the right relationships and the right communities make us better you know the right
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relationships the right people the right community in many ways are like what water are
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to a plant without them it's it's kind of like being in a dry desert where it's hard for life to
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survive it's hard for it to grow but relationships community is it's the fuel that keeps us going
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especially especially during challenging times well there's that that saying that you hear often like
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the personal development circles you know you're the average of the five people you hang out with the
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most and i think there's something to that i mean i don't know if there's any been any empirical
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research done on that but in my experience that is true like i tend to act like or sort of model
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the people i'm around the most and and i've seen that in the lives of you know friends in high
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school there's always that moment where you see a kid they go with the wrong crowd for example and
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they just their life goes a different trajectory compared to the kid who stays with a positive
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uplifting crowd their life goes a completely different trajectory because of the people they
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surround themselves with i agree with you 100 and we've always heard that cliche thing is the five
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people you surround yourself with now i think it goes beyond that so beyond even the people you
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spend time with physically i invite people right now just to just to pull out their phone and look
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at their last five text messages and ask themselves what were these text message exchanges were they
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powerful were they were they positive were they empowering were they encouraging or no were they
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drama filled was their gossip was it negative also the people i spend my time with are the people that
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are in my ears i'm fortunate enough i get to spend a lot of time with you and your guests when i'm
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walking around so these days i don't think it's just a physical but it's also what we pour into
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ourselves through what we read through what we listen to through what we consume text etc so it's
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not just a physical it goes so far beyond no i was having this conversation with my kids the other day
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about sort of educating your desires right and this idea i was trying to get to like there's all sorts of
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organizations and people out there who want to change what you desire we talked about advertisers they
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want you to desire the stuff they're they're selling and so a youtuber might be wanting you to
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listen to this idea so they're so i was trying to get home to the ideas like you got to be really
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intentional and careful about the things you consume or the people you interact with because
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subtly you might not know it or not they are modeling a way of life for you and if you want that
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way of life to be positive uplifting ennobling enabling then make sure you've you know surround
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yourself with people not just physically like you're saying but also just in ether the podcast
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the youtube channels you view the the things you read make sure they're also shaping you or directing
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you towards where you want to go in life yeah i couldn't agree 100 more i think about even like my
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young kids my wife and i we have six-year-old twins and based on what they're listening to or what
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they're watching when they get to watch something we can sometimes see a real profound shift in their mood
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in their energy it's the same thing with me when i listen to podcasts like i could be having a pretty
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bad day but i can go on a walk and listen to a podcast and feel like i have a conversation with
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you or someone else and learn and it can change the whole mood of my day it's the same thing when
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it comes to music like i love music i like aggressive hip-hop music when i run but let me tell you
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something i i do not want to go into a meeting right after listening to aggressive hip-hop or rock and roll
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music so what we consume what we listen to changes everything about our dynamics and how we interact
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with the world so in your last book stop leaving on autopilot you talked about there are two types of
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people in our life relations we have there are allies those that we want allies in our lives and
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at the same time you say we need to get rid of thieves in our lives what's the difference between
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allies and thieves yeah well the first time i came across this concept was way back in undergrad when
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i was on the track and field team at western michigan university in kalamazoo michigan and one
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day my head coach came up to me and after two years of being on the team i was doing horrible but he
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pointed something out to me he said you know in two years of being on this roster not once have i seen
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you spend time with those two guys and he pointed to two guys on the track and these were two all
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americans two of the best athletes in the country one would go on to compete in the olympics
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another one would go on to compete in multiple world championships he said in two years you have
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not spent any time with these people and he said instead you're hanging out with those guys and he
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pointed over to a group of guys that were hanging out on the high jump mat laughing and having a good
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time now here's the wild thing those guys on the high jump mat laughing and having a good time that
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they weren't bad people they weren't committing crimes but they were not all americans and in a way
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coach shaw introduced me to this concept of thieves and allies and i look at thieves i call them thieves
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of ambition these are those people that don't encourage you that don't inspire you there's people
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that don't challenge you or push you or hold you accountable to be the best version of yourself
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you know to get more specific these are those people that in some shape or form they always have
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drama going on in their lives i guarantee people listening right now you probably can identify one person
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in your life who always have some type of drama going on in their lives and thieves are also people
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that they're what my friend the author john gordon calls energy vampires when you spend time with them
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they wear you out but on the flip side we can spend time with allies allies of glory these are these
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amazing men and women that have a unique set of skills and expertise and they encourage you they inspire
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you they challenge you they push you and they they hold you accountable to be the best version of
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yourself these people when you spend time with them they don't wear you out they don't drain energy
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from you know that they fire you up these people don't have drama going on in their lives they have
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great things going on in their lives you know i've had the opportunity over the course of my career as a journalist
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but also as a coach to to interview and work with amazing ceos executives politicians grammy and oscar award winners
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you name it and there's a reason why these super accomplished people you know that they work with coaches
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and they surround themselves with people that make them better you know allies they provide objectivity
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they can see things from an objective and unbiased point of view that on our own we're likely to miss
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and what i've found over the course of my life and i'm curious of your perspective is that sometimes
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our family and friends can't always play this role for us because they're a little bit too close in
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their anything but objective no i think that's true because it's also they've they've got a relationship
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with the the you of the past or the current you and whenever you try to you know if you want something
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different that disrupts their their relationship with you because it's now things are different
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between you and them and that can be uncomfortable and so they might not you know they might not
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outright sabotage you but they're not going to probably encourage you as much as you'd hope they
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would yeah i think you put that perfectly in many ways this makes me smile a little bit that many people
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who know us well they have a vested interest in us staying the same because when we don't stay the same
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when things change when we grow when we find certain markers of success in our life that can cause
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friction with them in fact you know i talk about how sometimes it can actually threaten people it can
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scare people when we grow and i think that's not because it's malicious i think because in many ways
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as they they see us grow they see us stretch ourselves they see all of a sudden wow they're spending
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time with these different this different community now etc they're listening to different things
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or showing up to different events what it does is that it can hold up a mirror to all the things
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that they're not doing in their own lives and that can cause some internal friction to happen and that's
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when sometimes those passive aggressive comments can show up or oh you're too good for us now slow down
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you're making the rest of us look bad that's when those kind of things can show up though they may not
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even be aware that they're experiencing some internal friction yeah i mean there's a mixture of envy going
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on perhaps and i think a lot of it's just fear that there i think sometimes people get afraid that they're
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going to get left behind and that's that can be frightening that that's spot on especially when you hear
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something and you've probably heard this over the course as this podcast has exploded over the years
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when you oh must be nice right must be nice to have a top podcast yeah it is nice and but they don't know
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about they don't think about episode one when there are only a few listeners or at the very beginning
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when you're doing this and managing so many other things and you know we have the opportunity hopefully
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to invite them to go on that journey that we're on and they can join us as well so you know you're
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saying i think one of the things you're getting at here sometimes the thieves in our lives are often
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the people we have the closest relationship we're talking friends and family so how do you do you have
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any advice on i i don't want to say like i don't think you're saying like well you just got to cut
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those people off you got to cut your mom off completely or this is your best friend or even
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like you know you're talking about those those track buddies you hung out with like they weren't bad
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guys they weren't going they weren't doing drugs they weren't in jail but they were holding you back
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in a way so how do you how do you get those thieves out of your life but in i guess a humane way
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is what i'm trying to get at that's a great way to put it in a in a delicate way in a humane way
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first and this is i think the world would be much better off all of us would be much better off if
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we were willing to have some tough 10 minute conversations right now every we all probably
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there's a tough conversation that probably needs to take place with your spouse with someone in the
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office with a friend a family member that for whatever reason we've been unwilling to have that
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tough 10 minute conversation i think sometimes funny enough that's what being a man that's what
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being an adult is about being willing to have those uncomfortable conversations to be practical
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if there are some thieves in your life folks that are draining energy and they're not positive
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what i recommend is doing exactly that have a conversation with that individual not not a text
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message exchange have a real conversation with that individual and you know invite them on their
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journey let them know tell them straight up what you're up to what your goals are what you're looking
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to achieve in your life and this is the challenging one right here also let them know what your expectations
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are for their friendship moving forward and go from there what you're doing is you're not saying
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i'm cutting you off i'm leaving you alone instead of what you're doing in many ways is you're making
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an invitation for them to to join you and just the courage to have that conversation can can positively
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change so many different things i mean it doesn't mean that you'll never see or talk these people
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again no but if they don't decide to go on the journey with you but what that will require for you to do
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is yes to create some some clear boundaries and decide when or when not you're going to be in
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certain people's presence and and just briefly you talked about family now family this one can be
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super challenging obviously because they're not going anywhere again i invite folks to have that
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conversation with them and if it's a loved one say and i talk to so many people they're like antonio
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i hear you on this but guess who's not on my journey with me guess who's been a thief they say their
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spouse so you can imagine how tough that one is my spouse so sometimes you have to go into counseling
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or therapy to get support with that and if for whatever reason they're unable to shift again
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there are some types of boundaries that need to be made and maybe even some big decisions down the road
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so it's not easy but i'm inviting people to be courageous and to be bold to be willing to have
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some tough conversations the results of that conversation they might just surprise you i'm curious when you
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had that conversation with your track coach about the thieves you were hanging out with did that change
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you your behavior like you started hanging out with the all americans that changed so much at that
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time i was a walk-on it was my sophomore year of college i walked on the track and field team i could
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have been cut at any moment from that team i had loved track and field since seeing carl lewis
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win four gold medals in los angeles in 1984 there's nothing more than i i wanted than that
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and yes that changed me spending more time with those allies learning from them seeing how they show up
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every single day learning from their standards and their values and most importantly their level of
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commitment that i did not have and what that led to is two years a couple years later i found myself
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an all-conference triple jumper no i never became an olympian or ncaa champion but i did become an
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all-conference triple jumper i earned a partial scholarship which was cool because my mom was paying for a
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portion of my tuition on a credit card at that time and it showed me how to show up differently and that
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has impacted my career ever since then that that coach shaw and that message is sticks with me every
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single day all right so take a look at your life look at the thieves the people who are sucking energy
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out of you like they're those vampires in your life maybe not enough it's not intentional oftentimes
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but find out people who are kind of getting in the way of goals you have of improving yourself and
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then if you need to you have a tough conversation doesn't have to be mean just be like hey i love you
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you mean a lot to me but this is where i want to go with my life and i'd love your support if you
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can't do that that's fine i completely understand and then establishing boundaries that's that's it and
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i also have to add we're talking about other people right now but of course it's also important
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for us to be allies to others as well we have to evaluate and audit our own behavior and say hey am i
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showing up right now as a thief yeah my friend my spouse or am i showing up as an ally that's a good
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point i've oftentimes we think about other people being the the thieves but we might am i being the
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thief am i the am i the energy suck here that's that's always good to turn that question on you
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absolutely a fun question to ask ourselves i do this in training sometimes at organizations
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is to ask the question what shows up when you show up when you show up do things get better or do
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they get worse because we all can think of that example of go you're at a party you're having a
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great time at the party and then the door opens and somebody walks in and you see who it is and
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you're like oh no this party is about to turn a negative corner or you've been in that meeting
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at work and it's that meeting when progress is being made people are are making firm commitments
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momentum is happening and then that that door to the conference room opens and that person shows up
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and you know like you know all the progress we just made is going to be lost because this person
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is going to come in playing devil's advocate non-stop so what shows up when you show up the
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goal for when we show up and when people think about us is for things to get better yeah you don't
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want to you want to be the guy that everyone's excited when they show up and sad when you leave
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you don't want to be the guy that everyone just gets bummed when you show up and are happy when you
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get out of there 100 we're gonna take a quick break for your word from our sponsors
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and now back to the show all right so we've been talking about thieves let's talk about allies and
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you talked about this in your first book but you've been fleshing this idea out more and you've been
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saying that there are there are five allies everyone needs in their life and let's talk about these five
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starting with the encourager who is the encourager yeah the encourager is that individual that
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that does the work that a lot of people don't see but when this person is around in your life
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you always seem to be at your best i think about like during tough spells they they're willing to
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always support you with perspective and that unwavering commitment that they're rooting for you
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like in sports this is that person that's just consistent they're not the mvp but they show up they
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have a strong 301 batting average a high on base percentage and they're probably uh underrated in many
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regards they're consistent they're not fair weather and when i think about the encourager in some ways
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i think about this character in the apple series uh ted lasso in many ways even though he's the lead
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character in that television show ted lasso is that encourager for everyone in his life we could we
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could all use an encourager in our life who's the encourager in your life wow what a fantastic question
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well one i gotta say i'm fortunate enough to have my wife as my encourager as i'm just thinking about
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last night sitting on the couch with her while i was editing something that needed some love and
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and she was there to to encourage me as an ally i have a few quite a few people in my life that that
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give me a lot of virtual high fives even when they they somehow they know when i need it and in the
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field of work that i do you know as a coach as a speaker and an author and maybe you can relate to
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this a lot of the work that i do is it's isolating i do a lot of work by myself when i'm not on stages
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in front of a lot of people and i think sometimes we forget that the encourager which i consider
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myself needs an encourager so who encourages the encourager so i'm fortunate enough to have a good
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number of people in my life that do that all right so basically the encourager is someone who's you can
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go to who's going to give you those high fives give you the pats on the back saying hey you're doing
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a good job things aren't as bad as you think because i think everyone has had those moments where man
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everything's just terrible i'm not doing well an encourager probably brings some objectivity to
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the scene because they say actually things aren't as bad as you think they are you're actually doing
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pretty dang good that's what they're doing for you yeah they're always rooting for you it's that
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person even when you have a bad day even when you messed up if you go to go have a a walk with them
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or a beer with them they're not going to sit there and tell you everything you did wrong they may just
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sit there with you yeah they may just be there with you know that i'm here and sometimes those two
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words are powerful i'm here okay so this could be a spouse could be a friend could be a colleague
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the next ally is the playmaker what is the playmaker the playmaker is that person that we all have in
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our life that you know in some shape or form they're making some great things happen it's that person that
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has that infectious energy and when you need a jolt you know of creativity energy or motivation they are
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your go-to person the playmaker is interesting because they move fast and they don't have a lot of
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patience for for indecision they regularly make decisions they're that person that reminds you
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that if you miss a shot just keep shooting you know these days when i think about the playmaker
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and this may be a bit polarizing for some people i think about people like steph curry or i think about
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even someone like elon musk like whether you like these people or not one thing they're going to keep
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doing they're going to keep shooting they're going to keep thinking big and they're going to keep
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getting after it and i think we need people in our life to keep us fired up in that regard
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so these people they're they are you're looking to the playmaker to model proactivity and like an
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action-oriented bias towards life 100 they keep you moving forward thinking forward they're not going
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to let you soak on what that how you messed up what happened yesterday etc and again they have good
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things going on in their life so that they're a great model to keep moving and to dream big and
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to think big as you're describing the playmaker i imagine that older men would probably find their
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playmaker in a younger guy right it's like you know an older guy they've probably done it all they've
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probably feel like they kind of you kind of become complacent but a younger guy they've got nothing to
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lose so they're more willing to take those big actions those big risks i think there's something
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to having those relationships with younger individuals because it i don't know if it
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reminds you it's kind of weird i'm like i'm hitting i'm getting to middle age now so i'm like thinking
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about that sort of stuff yeah but it reminds you like yeah you can still take action there's something
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about the energy you get from those younger people that can can spur you on as well yeah i think
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reverse mentoring is so important but odds are we probably can think of certain stages in our life
00:23:41.180
where we were that playmaker i mean i can still think back to moving to new york city
00:23:45.060
with less than a thousand dollars in my bank account with dreams of breaking into the television
00:23:49.260
industry and i was hungry i was bold i was courageous i was optimistic i think a lot of times
00:23:55.560
it's funny now that you say that a lot of times when people say things like i miss the old days what
00:24:01.340
they're really saying is i miss who i was how i showed up in the old days because i don't show up
00:24:07.940
like that person anymore right so having yeah that that playmaker kind of remind you about that
00:24:13.520
can help you get that back exactly okay so we got encourager we got playmaker the next ally
00:24:20.040
you've described is the facilitator who's this guy the facilitator is that person they see the
00:24:25.680
they always can see the big picture and they can support you and let's say in managing the flow
00:24:31.080
of information i mean you can probably think about this person kind of like a project manager
00:24:35.420
that they're really good at knowing when you can speed things up or when you can slow things down
00:24:41.360
they can see things that you probably can't see because they're seeing the big picture they're
00:24:46.980
also a great connector and they can provide really sound guidance and advice so who are the facilitators
00:24:54.720
in your life i have a few facilitators in my life one of the key facilitators in my life is a dear
00:25:01.040
buddy of mine basam whenever i get in the muck i get stuck in the rut with an amazing skill he can
00:25:09.260
unpack all of that and help me see the bullet points and the connections and things that that i can't
00:25:15.000
see basam is brilliant at that in many ways my father prior to him getting dementia he was that person
00:25:22.560
for me as well that could could see that all right so the facilitator is the guy you're going to go into
00:25:26.900
when you get stuck with a problem you don't know how to move forward and they're there basically to
00:25:32.440
bring new perspective help you they're able to connect dots that you otherwise couldn't see or
00:25:38.340
other people couldn't see like that's what they do that's it that's the point guard on the basketball
00:25:43.320
floor uh they're they're guiding the temple of things they're at the top of the key they can see
00:25:48.280
things that you can't oh there's there's a double team over there let's call a brand new play
00:25:52.460
to get you open to create an isolation sorry to get nerd on basketball but yeah they're that point
00:25:57.160
guard and so this could be a friend it could be a father this could also be i don't know it could be
00:26:01.360
a consultant you go to as well who specializes in like because everyone's probably if you own a
00:26:06.740
business your your problem if you run a restaurant it's going to be different if you run i don't know
00:26:13.360
like you make metal siding for example so you might want to try to find a facilitator in your
00:26:19.220
respective field of work oh 100 you know right now we're talking so much personal about this but one
00:26:25.500
what another way to look at this is a board of directors or a personal board of advisors that's
00:26:32.540
one thing that board of directors do i have opportunity i've worked for startups i've covered
00:26:36.640
startups as a journalist when i was a reporter and correspondent with nbc hosting a business show
00:26:41.660
for over three years and one thing that they have are these amazing boards of directors sometimes
00:26:46.940
there are six people sometimes there are 12 people and one thing about those six to 12 people
00:26:51.220
they all have different skill sets they don't they don't need three uh facilitators or four
00:26:57.880
encouragers that they bring each person in for their individual strength that they can bring to
00:27:02.840
provide expertise to this team who's looking to grow scale increase revenue etc all right so we
00:27:09.100
got encourager we talked about playmaker we talked about the facilitator the next ally is the rock
00:27:13.480
what's this guy look like the rock is the veteran you know that's that person that when all hell is
00:27:19.380
breaking loose that they're that person that helps remind you what's most important and to provide you
00:27:24.700
with perspective this is that person who has been there and they've done it right they've been there
00:27:30.660
they've done it they're probably a veteran in some regard they're a little bit older you need this
00:27:35.040
person to help keep you grounded and supported and they help you provide you know alignment when you
00:27:41.340
think about your visions and your different goals when i think about the rock i think about star wars
00:27:46.880
you know i think about someone like obi-wan kenobi for some reason when i think about the rock when i
00:27:52.260
visualize what this person can be i think about you know someone like morgan freeman just that voice
00:27:57.720
you know provides perspective the rocks in my life are individuals that are you know much older than i am
00:28:05.220
most of them you know people have worked in fields like i have that can provide me expertise and
00:28:10.180
guidance whether it's in in the book world whether it's in parenting whether it's in leading a community
00:28:16.480
so i have those people and they've done it they've checked it off of the box and there's not much
00:28:21.760
that's going to surprise them they've heard and and seen it all all right so rock possibly an older
00:28:27.040
mentor now the playmaker is a younger mentee who mentors you exactly exactly i've never framed it
00:28:35.440
directly like that but that that's exactly what it is i like that all right so the next one is the
00:28:41.300
next alley is the last one is the bruiser who's this guy oh the bruiser this is the one we tend to
00:28:46.940
avoid the bruiser is that person that straight up always holds you accountable like they they hold you
00:28:54.260
accountable to do what you said you're going to do if you tell them like oh i'm gonna write a book
00:28:59.420
the next question they're going to ask is by when when will it be finished the bruiser are people
00:29:05.460
that are that are metrics based and they measure success kind of by the progress you do or or don't
00:29:11.540
make they're that person that provides you know good good friction uh i'm laughing because now i'm
00:29:17.400
thinking about liam neeson like in that movie taken the bruiser let me give you a real life example
00:29:22.760
of a bruiser i have a dear friend of mine i remember living in new york city and i was hanging out with
00:29:26.800
some friends that we went to go get a happy hour and my goal was to have one drink but you know what
00:29:32.400
happens you have that one drink and then your buddies your friends are saying come on just have
00:29:35.660
one more just have one more and i was about to have one more drink but there was something i wanted to
00:29:40.720
do at home and finish that night and my buddy came up to me and he said antonio don't worry about them
00:29:46.740
are they going to finish that project that you need to finish tonight no they're not going to you
00:29:53.300
don't have to make any excuses to go do what you need to do get out of here just having someone
00:29:58.360
like that in your life it can be a game changer and i have a few of those people and we all need
00:30:04.700
that person that's going to provide some some good friction on us all right so the bruiser is the guy
00:30:09.140
that holds you accountable to your goals yeah and i think one thing i want to make sure everyone
00:30:13.900
knows is as we describe these five you know types of people i want people to remember that you know
00:30:19.800
these types of allies these aren't always going to be our best friends these aren't going to be
00:30:24.780
people that we talk with every single day or kick it with all the time but when it's time to you know
00:30:29.580
quote-unquote play ball these are the folks that they're they're open for you to reach out to them
00:30:33.900
and they're going to bring out the best in you but they don't necessarily have to be like
00:30:39.060
your quote-unquote best friends and people you talk to every single day and i actually think it would
00:30:44.100
be counterproductive in some instances for them to be your best friend because like when you have a
00:30:48.100
friendship with somebody it brings in an element of you know you don't you don't want to hurt the
00:30:53.520
person's feelings or you don't want to you want to maintain the relationship right that's important
00:30:57.840
which is that's normal and natural some of these roles like the bruiser type or the playmaker they
00:31:03.860
might ask you or push you to do things that if you had a friendship with him would strain the
00:31:08.640
relationship but would you need to do it nonetheless because it would be good for your either professional
00:31:14.680
or personal goals i agree i mean i think about you think about relationships with say your spouse
00:31:19.900
i can't tell you how many times my wife has made suggestions to me to do x y or z and then i'm on
00:31:26.580
a road trip and i'm like oh honey i was talking to somebody on a plane and they said i should do this
00:31:31.920
or stop doing that and she's like well i've been telling you that for the past six months but it's so
00:31:37.560
funny how sometimes when we hear that advice somewhere else we're willing to take heed to it and listen to it
00:31:42.960
but sometimes when it's super close to it as you mentioned it doesn't have the same effect
00:31:47.460
well i've seen that in my own the life of my own kids especially my son you know i'll tell him hey
00:31:52.780
you should do this thing he's like yeah yeah yeah whatever but then when some other grown man says hey
00:31:57.500
you should do this thing he's like oh yeah that's the best idea in the world that's why didn't i think
00:32:02.020
of that before and it's like okay and i mean that's why i love it when my my son interacts with
00:32:07.820
other men who their goal is to grow and develop you know good young men because like my son's more
00:32:15.180
likely to listen to that guy as opposed to me like i i want this i want the support i want the help
00:32:20.520
i remember i had this experience a couple years ago when i wasn't coaching flag football my son's team
00:32:25.940
but there's another guy coaching and this guy was great he's a firefighter and at the end of practice
00:32:30.480
he would like teach a life skill so he was like teaching the boys how to shake hands and look people in
00:32:34.920
the eye and i remember this dad standing next to me he's like this is dumb why would you like i do
00:32:39.200
that to my kid and i was like man i want my son to like have that reiterated over and over again i'm
00:32:44.380
glad this guy's doing it because he's probably more likely to listen to that guy as he is to me
00:32:48.420
i'm so glad you just shared that i mean first i'm going to adopt that i coach i help coach my son's
00:32:53.600
baseball team and just learning that important life skill that that is so critical and something i've
00:32:59.580
learned coaching my son's baseball team which by the way has been one of the biggest challenges
00:33:03.360
of my life i'll never forget when the head coach was out one day and i was so excited
00:33:07.520
to lead practice and it was the most the biggest hot mess i've ever experienced with some some six
00:33:13.320
year olds but one thing i learned in coaching is that me and some dads one thing we do in practice
00:33:17.900
and at games is we focus on the other person's kid so paul will focus on my son i'll focus on paul's
00:33:24.920
son etc and to your point when paul is coaching my son my friend you know or i'm coaching his son
00:33:31.220
etc they listen so much better so sometimes i have to back away and allow that space for that
00:33:37.960
to happen and not be mad at it be happy about it and it's fun to observe them from a distance and see
00:33:43.060
how they show up with others yeah it's because i because the relationship gets in the way right
00:33:47.220
because like they're you and your son are so worried about yeah i'm gonna make my son feel bad or i'm gonna
00:33:52.500
disappoint dad that it ends up the the coaching just goes nowhere but if you have an outside person
00:33:58.080
doing it there's not that weird strained relationship thing going on yeah i agree and it makes me think
00:34:03.480
about this is kind of unrelated but related it said someone once said your children reserve their
00:34:08.700
worst behavior for you but they show up amazing for other people right so here's a question do these
00:34:16.840
different allies they need to be different people or could they like one person have take on two or
00:34:22.500
three of these roles i think sure depending upon the context and situation sure i think folks can play
00:34:28.020
a lot of different roles we all have different seasons in our life when different things are
00:34:32.960
taking place uh you know i'm playing certain roles with people right now as a father to new fathers that
00:34:39.060
i couldn't do obviously a few years ago now that my business is a different place i can provide some
00:34:43.760
mentoring and some tips to folks that in the past i probably couldn't and yes i do have some people in
00:34:48.860
my life that that can definitely fit multiple buckets here that i'm willing to lean on on different
00:34:54.520
topics i think the key thing is just knowing in your head like what do i most need right now that's
00:35:00.500
a question very rarely do i ask ourselves it's a great coaching question what do i most need right
00:35:05.120
now when you ask yourself that question you can identify do i need a bruiser right now do i need an
00:35:10.120
encourager a playmaker and then you can act accordingly and contact that person but here's the thing we have to
00:35:15.660
remember that nine times out of ten if not ten times out of ten people are willing to help us
00:35:21.640
like right now people are like i don't know what you're talking about and people are willing to help
00:35:25.760
us and we must be willing to ask for that help the hardest step in making this happen is picking up
00:35:31.940
the phone and making a phone call or sending an email once you do that things get pretty easy
00:35:36.180
so there's something i want to flesh out there i think it's really important what you're saying with
00:35:40.760
these allies isn't that you could have you need to have all five of these allies at all times in your
00:35:44.940
of your life it is depending on what where you are in your life you might need this particular person
00:35:50.040
doesn't necessarily mean it doesn't mean you need to have an encourager playmaker facility or rock
00:35:53.640
bruiser right now it could be like this moment in your where you are in your life maybe you just need
00:35:57.920
a rock or maybe you need an encourager and find those people yes and i'm like to your point
00:36:03.460
intentionally right now i'm investing a lot of time first adding value to these people but also learning
00:36:09.300
from a lot of quote-unquote playmakers right now like this is a season for me to to think a little
00:36:14.620
bit bigger in what i'm doing to add a zero to things if you will coming out of the past few years
00:36:21.440
where i felt myself a bit you know on cruise control some so i'm spending a lot more time with
00:36:26.720
these playmakers that are have made great things happen or continuing to make good things happen but
00:36:31.860
right i'm not always going to have all five people in my life at the exact same time and then the other
00:36:37.380
point you're making you made as well i want to just make sure people see that not only look for
00:36:41.900
these allies and other people but also turn the question back on yourself it's like well how can i
00:36:47.240
be one of these allies for the people in my life oh we have to we have to make sure we're adding value
00:36:53.940
we're providing that support how we can be this type of you know folk this type of individual for others
00:36:59.400
and i just want to remind people that these people exist in our life because a lot of people are saying
00:37:03.480
that's great but where do i find those people and we can talk more about that but i'll just say right
00:37:07.860
now you know former colleagues former classmates people that are you're connected to on linkedin
00:37:13.580
people you have met at events etc these people do exist in our lives but it just takes a little
00:37:18.940
effort to to find them well let's talk about how to flush that because i think a lot of guys have
00:37:22.860
difficulty making friends or expanding their professional or social network any like some brass
00:37:28.500
tech tips that people can do to find these allies sure first and foremost if you're just getting
00:37:34.440
started again if you've been isolated for a long time like so many people if you've been disconnected
00:37:39.060
i want to give yourself some grace some permission to have some grace and to be patient and funny enough
00:37:44.560
when it comes to making friends and creating communities like this especially as we get older it's kind of
00:37:51.720
like dating you know making new friends creating communities like this so we have to be patient
00:37:56.600
you know we have to be interested we have to make sure we're also adding value not just taking from
00:38:01.760
someone and again it takes time so so patience is key so just some practical suggestions just to
00:38:08.660
surround yourself with allies just to have a good community around you the cool thing is that if you
00:38:14.680
have a hobby or a passion that you're into there is 100 a community available around it whether it's in
00:38:23.960
person or it's virtual i don't care if it's golf frisbee computer building if you're into flying rc planes or
00:38:33.660
corvettes guns crypto jujitsu i don't care premier league soccer there is a community around it that you
00:38:39.720
can find it goes beyond that faith groups rotary clubs the city council coaching your kids sports teams
00:38:47.200
etc most of these people and these communities that you can opt into which is cool opt into are just a
00:38:55.280
google search away now but that requires some boldness and some courageousness on your part to be willing
00:39:01.320
to do that first search and then to show up and show up again even if that first experience is a little
00:39:07.000
bit odd you feel a little bit rusty and do i really want to hang out with these people and here's here's
00:39:12.700
another practical tip this one we don't talk about enough sometimes you have to write a check
00:39:18.600
like straight up sometimes you have to write a check and you have to invest in yourself by joining
00:39:25.640
a community a dad community or community for professionals or looking to do certain things
00:39:31.580
you have to write a check and invest in a group coaching program club class or something i think we
00:39:37.860
forget that sometimes that things change when we're willing to invest in ourselves and something
00:39:44.020
energetically happens when you write that check or you see that deduction from that monthly membership
00:39:50.520
coming out every single month it makes you show up a little bit differently guess what you're not
00:39:56.280
going to miss that meeting guess what you're not going to miss those office hours or that that happy hour
00:40:02.060
because you are financially vested in being there and the last thing i'll say is if what you want
00:40:09.840
does not exist guess what sometimes you're going to be called to create what you want for yourself
00:40:16.680
you you may just have to create what you need and then invite people and it may start off slow and
00:40:24.140
that's okay but you get that one person that at least to another person etc before you know it you
00:40:28.920
could have a thriving community that's together supporting each other making each other better
00:40:34.160
and celebrating one another's wins so hopefully those are some practical tips that that folks can
00:40:40.360
apply yeah and i was thinking too i i imagine you're not telling people or suggesting that people okay
00:40:45.280
they go out and they join these groups and they see some guy and you're not gonna you're you shouldn't
00:40:49.980
go up to and be like i you know what will you be my playmaker i need you to be my playmaker i don't
00:40:55.260
think it's that it's saying okay you get be social just have a good time as a human being
00:40:59.800
just form friendships form relationships and in the process you're gonna probably see people like
00:41:04.620
this guy this guy's doing stuff so i'd like to just like maybe i'll go out to lunch with him and just
00:41:09.480
talk about what he's doing i'm not i'm not there to like get anything from him i just want to hear
00:41:13.640
what he's doing and then maybe his energy of playmaking will rub off on me i mean i think a lot of times
00:41:18.780
when people hear about networking and creating they either do it really awkwardly or they don't do it
00:41:23.380
because it feels awkward it doesn't have to be awkward i think this what you're providing here
00:41:27.540
is a framework that you can lay over on relationships like oh this guy you know he's he's a really great
00:41:34.260
guy i enjoy spending time with him but he's also a facilitator type and he could help me my business
00:41:38.800
in this area see what i'm getting at i'm not i'm not trying i think i'm trying to avoid people like
00:41:42.920
being like yeah just going up to be like hey i need you to be my rock and people like what that's
00:41:47.080
weird i don't want you to that's get away from me weirdo yeah please don't please don't do that
00:41:51.980
that's exactly not what we're saying when we go into things with with an agenda people can feel
00:41:57.520
that they they can smell that they don't want to be around it however if we show up to any of these
00:42:02.760
types of communities with the intention of learning of growing and adding value so many things can
00:42:10.680
spawn from that that's why it's again once again we have to be patient what i want for all of us is
00:42:16.540
that as you mentioned earlier what shows up when you show up i want us to be associated with
00:42:21.160
greatness when when people think about us i want a smile to come on their face i want them to
00:42:25.160
associate with us with greatness and as i've built relationships around the my lifetime that have
00:42:31.400
made a key difference in my life i wouldn't be talking to you now i wouldn't have experienced all
00:42:35.520
the amazing things i have in my career without the relationships that i made the key thing i did is
00:42:41.260
i built relationships is i would always go into meetings coffees cocktails events and my energy has
00:42:47.420
always been i want to learn as much about you i want to learn as much about your story genuinely want
00:42:53.400
to learn about these individuals who i spend time with and one thing about that is people love to talk
00:42:58.520
about themselves they love to share and we can learn so much from someone else's story path etc and here's
00:43:05.460
what's amazing once you do that at some point during that conversation or another conversation down
00:43:10.760
the road that person's going to say enough about me tell me about you what are you up to what are you
00:43:16.360
looking to accomplish how can i be helpful but that only happens once we build that foundational
00:43:21.780
trust which is so essential which people try to circumvent via dms on linkedin or twitter and you just
00:43:30.440
can't do that it takes time so one thing i think it's useful to circle up with here at the end is that
00:43:35.860
while you're looking for these allies in real life you can find this sort of the sort of guidance
00:43:41.200
inspiration from allies in the media you consume so you know podcasts you listen to books you read
00:43:46.540
one thing that i found really useful in my own life is reading the biographies of great individuals
00:43:51.380
and because it gives you a model of a life that you might want and it allows you to look at your life
00:43:58.000
differently and there's this idea that i got from napoleon hill that i really like it's you know
00:44:02.440
create a cabinet of invisible advisors so you think about who are the individuals that i admire
00:44:08.120
and what can they teach me about different facets of my life and so you study them so you know could
00:44:13.800
be teddy roosevelt frederick douglas some great inventors some great media mogul study their lives
00:44:19.380
and then see how you can get inspiration from them to improve your life so i think it's another way to
00:44:24.320
look at allies well antonio this has been a great conversation where can people go to learn more about
00:44:28.480
your work yeah just head on over to the antonionevs.com the antonionevs.com and you can find
00:44:35.540
everything there fantastic well antonio nevs thanks for your time it's been a pleasure
00:44:39.640
appreciate you my guest here is antonio nevs you can find more information about his work at his
00:44:44.520
website the antonionevs.com also check out our show notes at aom.is slash allies where you find
00:44:49.540
links to resources where you delve deeper into this topic
00:44:51.620
well that wraps up another edition of the aom podcast make sure to check out our website at
00:45:02.280
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00:45:05.560
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00:45:30.120
continues it forward until next time's brett mckay reminds you on a listening one podcast but put