The Cues That Make You Charismatic
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Summary
Charisma can make everything smoother, easier, and more exciting in life. It s a quality that makes people want to listen to you, to adopt your ideas, to be with you. While what creates charisma can seem like a mystery, my guest today, communications expert Vanessa Van Edwards, says it comes down to possessing an optimal balance of two qualities, warmth and competence. In Vanessa s work, she s created a research-backed encyclopedia of these influential signals, and she shares how to offer them in her book, Cues: Master the Secret Language of Charismatic Communication.
Transcript
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Hey, this is Brett, it is Thanksgiving here in the United States, so we're taking a break
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to spend time with our friends and family, eat some good food, so we're rebroadcasting
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episode number 837, The Cues That Make You Charismatic.
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Hope you enjoy it, happy Thanksgiving, and see you on Monday with a brand new episode.
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Brett McKay here, and welcome to another edition of the Art of Manliness podcast.
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Charisma can make everything smoother, easier, and more exciting in life.
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It's a quality that makes people want to listen to you, to adopt your ideas, to be with you.
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While what creates charisma can seem like a mystery, my guest today, communications expert
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Vanessa Van Edwards, says it comes down to possessing an optimal balance of two qualities,
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The problem is, even if you have warmth and competence, you may not be good at signaling
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In Vanessa's work, she's created a research-backed encyclopedia of these influential signals,
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and she shares how to offer them in her book, Cues, Master the Secret Language of Charismatic
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Today on the show, Vanessa and I discuss some of these verbal and nonverbal social cues
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that make you attractive to others and keep you out of what she calls the danger zone.
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She explains what the distance between your earlobes and shoulders has to do with looking
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competent, how using uptalk and vocal fry sabotages your ability to convey power, how
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to put more warmth in your voice, how to trigger the right response with a dating profile picture,
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After the show's over, check out our show notes at awem.is slash charisma cues.
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So you have made a career researching, writing about, teaching how to be effective communicators,
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And a book I just recently read, I really enjoyed, it's called Cues, Master the Secret
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How do you, as a researcher, how do you define charisma?
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So the good news is, is that charisma can be learned.
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And I always was perplexed by charisma because one thing we found in our lab many, many years
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ago, we were doing a little experiment and we were surprised because we asked two questions
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The first one was, who is the most charismatic person you know?
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People could immediately tell us the most charismatic person they knew.
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The next question we asked was, what is charisma?
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You just had them define or think about the most charismatic person.
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It took an average of about 15 seconds for people to answer.
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And typically they could not come up with a good answer.
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And we realized charisma is one of these few traits that we know the moment we see it.
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We know when we see someone walk into a room who has high charisma or a pop-on video,
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we're drawn to them, yet we have a very hard time defining it.
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So when we go to the research, we find that very highly charismatic people,
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the reason that they are so magnetic and so unique is they have a perfect blend of two
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And the key here is they have to have these traits in equal measure.
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So highly charismatic people, what they do is they're signaling warmth, trust, likability,
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But at the very same time, they're signaling competence, capability, power, efficiency.
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And so we love charismatic people because they're both likable and respectable, warm and credible.
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So that's the actual definition is warmth plus competence.
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Okay, so you can be exceedingly warm and not be charismatic, correct?
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And this is this research comes from Dr. Susan Fisk is most of us have an imbalance.
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Most of us have a little bit too high of warmth or a little bit too high of competence,
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or we're signaling too high warmth or signaling too high competence.
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And what happens with this is you can be very likable, friendly, collaborative, but if you
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have too much warmth, people don't respect you, people don't take you seriously, people
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If you have too high competence without enough warmth, people see you as very credible, very
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powerful, but without the warmth, they see you as intimidating or hard to talk to, or the
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And so the key is why that, that blend is so important is you have to have a balance that
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And are there people who have neither warmth nor competence?
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And by the way, this is where I was in purgatory for many, many, many years.
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The reason that I'm obsessed with charisma is I don't have it naturally.
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I was that kid in school who sat in the corner of the cafeteria and looked and watched all
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And I was always amazed by how they were able to bottle it.
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And so the danger zone is when you're not signaling enough warmth nor competence.
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And what research has found is folks who are overly stoic, and by the way, this doesn't
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It means you're not signaling warmth and competence.
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And this is, I think the mistake that most of us face is the reason I wasn't signaling
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And so what research finds is if we don't signal enough, humans don't know what to do with
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And so people who don't have enough of either signal, they're pitied or dismissed.
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They're ignored and mostly they're underestimated.
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And this is, I think, a big problem for very smart people is very smart people.
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They rely so much on their technical skills, their book smarts.
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I don't need to worry about these cues or signals.
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I don't have to worry about warmth and competence.
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And so what happens is they show up with all those technical skills in their head.
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But what the research found very clearly is if you don't have enough cues, specifically
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you don't have enough warmth cues, people do not believe your competence.
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Competence without warmth leaves people feeling suspicious.
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Most of our students are high achieving professionals and they cannot get enough credibility.
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They cannot get people to believe their competence.
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So another way I've heard this idea of the danger zone described is as a way to describe
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I think all of us have someone in our life where we think about it and we think, oh my
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And if you ever wonder why that is, it's because they lack warmth and they're not competent.
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But then also they can't do anything really well.
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Like we just, we find them really annoying and that's the danger zone.
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We're very, very contagious, emotionally contagious as humans.
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So if you have someone who is not signaling enough, that contemptuous person, we don't want
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to catch that kind of anxiety, that kind of lack of warmth or competence.
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And so the reason we're drawn to charismatic people, but not drawn to danger zone folks
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is because we want to be around people who are positively contagious.
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A lot of people think, well, this is just superficial that that's what shallow people do, but you're
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making the case that this can help you get ahead in your career and in your personal life
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And luckily the, I was shocked by this research.
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So I was in that first category where I doubled down on my test scores and my GPA and my resume,
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you know, I, that I was, that was what I thought was really important.
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And the research actually has found very, very clearly that when we are more charismatic,
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We like to listen to ideas from very charismatic people.
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So the way that I think about this is you've spent a lot of years, likely people who are
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listening, investing in your expertise, whatever that is, whether you're a creative or you're
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a technical person, you have developed this skillset.
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Charisma is like the social lubricant that you need for people to adopt it.
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And the idea is that there are these social cues that we give off.
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Like we don't even think about it, but in the book, you're making the case that we can
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be more intentional and thoughtful about these social cues that we display so that we can
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influence how people think about us in a more positive way.
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So what are social cues and how much they influence how people see us?
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So cues are the social signals that we send to each other.
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And what most people don't realize is actually there's two sides of cues.
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So you spot a cue on someone else, maybe an eye roll or a smile.
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They tell us how they want to be treated, but there's also encoding.
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Those are the social signals we send to others.
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So a lot of the times we only focus on one aspect.
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We think about decoding cues are being sent, but actually there's a loop happening.
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Not only are our emotions contagious, our cues are contagious.
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It finds that we tend to subconsciously mirror the people we're with.
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Another reason why we want to be around people with great cues is because we catch them.
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Confident people make us look more confident because we tend to copy things.
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What I really was fascinated by is we're sending hundreds of cues to each other every day.
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There are actually four different categories of cues.
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So our body language, our facial expressions, our gestures, our posture.
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Research finds that's at a minimum about 60% of how we communicate our message, which is a massive amount of, it affects us in a massive way.
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Even the cues that we send in our emails and our texts and our profiles tell people how to treat us.
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We can talk about how that works specifically if you want to find that research fascinating.
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The colors we wear, the jewelry we wear, the car we drive.
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So in this medium, the only cue channels I have are verbal and vocal.
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But that means I have to work really hard on making sure that I'm as contagious as I can through my verbal and my vocal cues because they're affecting not only how you think of me, that's actually less important, more how you feel about yourself and how you take this advice.
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So let's talk about some of these cues that this encyclopedia of cues that you developed with your team.
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What are some powerful charisma cues that cause people to pay attention to us when we're talking?
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All right. So I'm going to start with the ones that I think are the quickest.
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And the reason for this is because I like to start off with the beginner stuff and then move to more advanced.
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And the reason for this is because it actually creates a very interesting brain activation.
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So research found that when participants in their lab leaned forward slightly, so I'm going to lean forward right now.
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If you're listening to this, I'd love if you just lean forward for me like an inch or two, whether you're seated or standing or running.
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When you lean forward, they found that it activates a very specific part of your brain that is pre-action.
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The reason for this is because when we're about to activate one of our five senses, we lean in.
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And so interestingly, this is also a nonverbal cue of activation.
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So when someone is really into something, they'll lean into it.
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When someone really agrees with you, they'll lean into it.
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Very highly charismatic people cue you to lean into their very most important points or a deep thought by leaning in themselves.
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And so if you watch TED speakers, you'll notice that when they're at the most important point, they give a little lean.
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You can even do it, I think, over audio to give that, we're inside something.
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It's a really simple one, but it's so effective.
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Another one you talked about that I thought was interesting is fronting.
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So when we think about space, so with nonverbal, we're constantly trying to interact with other humans in space.
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And so fronting is when we angle our body, our entire body, toes, torso, and head towards the person we're speaking with.
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Ideally, and this is an interesting one, when we are on parallel lines with someone else, so if you imagine like a railroad tracks, we like in the perfect scenario to be on the same track as someone else.
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And when we do this, our body and our brain think, ah, we're aligned.
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We're more likely to say yes if we're fronting with someone.
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The reason why this is important is because I notice we accidentally don't front when we are on our computer.
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I've even noticed a couple people with their Zoom setups will have their camera off to the side or over one shoulder while they're typing on their computer.
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It is physically hard for someone to open up, collaborate, or connect when you are not being fronted with.
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And so one of the doctors we interviewed for the book, he found that when he angles, he swivels his entire stool towards someone, he can actually get the patient to talk more, open up more.
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So this is a very simple one that always try to make a point of angling your entire body towards someone.
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If you don't want to talk to somebody, like you're on like the subway or a bus, you're sitting next to somebody you want to show, I don't want to talk to you.
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You kind of shift the other way away from the person.
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Yeah, and decoding is a great point here is all of these cues have both encoding and decoding.
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If you're looking for who should I approach in a bar, who should I go up to at this networking event, you want to look for people who are more open to fronting.
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Any reference to a croissant is a good reference for me.
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So what I mean by this is if someone doesn't want you to interrupt their group, like you're in a networking event or you're at a bar, they will be fully fronting with the person they're talking with.
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If someone is in croissant feat, in other words, their foot is angled out, their torso is angled out, they are literally saying, I am physically open to being approached.
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And so you can also decode who wants to talk to me and who doesn't want to talk to me based on fronting.
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If you want to seem more charismatic, signal that you're charismatic, lean in, and you can do that via audio as well.
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And then the fronting, just turn towards people.
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And that will, I think one of the things I've heard about charisma is that charisma is making someone feel like they're the most important person in the room.
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Because you're literally saying, I respect you so much.
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I'm going to give you my full nonverbal attention.
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Well, a point you make, I think we should talk about this, this warmth-competence dichotomy.
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You point out that if you want to be charismatic, you have to understand that some situations might require more warmth, and some situations might require more competence signals.
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It's not like in every situation, you want to be perfectly aligned with warmth and balance.
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In order to get that balance, it's going to depend on the situation, correct?
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Yeah, the metaphor I like to think of is like a thermostat, right?
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So if you think about the thermostat in your home, you probably have an ideal range that you like, you know, let's say between 68 and 72.
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So 68 might be a little on the cooler side, it's a hot summer day, 72 might be on the winter.
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Below 68, you're cold, that's competent, too competent.
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So this range, you actually have quite a bit of flexibility.
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Very highly charismatic people, you leverage this range.
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So if they're going into a meeting where they're negotiating, they need to be taken seriously, they're selling, they don't want any pushback, they will dial up their competence cues.
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They'll use more power gazing, they'll use more purposeful hand gestures, they'll be more still in their body posture.
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On the other hand, let's say that you're going to a happy hour, you are with colleagues, you're in a creative brainstorm session, and you want everyone to be open.
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It's not about your ideas, it's about the team ideas.
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Well, in that situation, you'd be best served to show more warmth cues, more nodding, more smiling, more social gazing.
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Those cues are literally sending signals of warmth.
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Again, we're still in that 68 to 72 range, you don't want to have too much of one, but that's what really highly charismatic people do.
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And the example I gave in the book is Jeff Bezos.
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There's two different interviews of him, one in 60 minutes, and one with a business insider interview.
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And it's the same person, but he looks completely different.
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On the 60 minutes interview, he's clearly going for warmth, being relatable, being kind of friendly, it's a more casual interview.
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In the business insider interview, he's super high in competence.
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He's trying to really talk about his business, be taken more seriously, talk about his growth.
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And he uses cues differently to come across as slightly higher in warmth versus competence, but depending on his goals.
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Okay, so we just talked about some cues of charisma that you found that these just show charisma, the lean in and the fronting.
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But let's say you're in a situation, you kind of, you briefly touched on some, I'd like to flesh some of this stuff out.
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Let's say you're in a situation that requires more warmth.
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You give an example of a doctor who's trying to develop a rapport with a patient that needs more warmth.
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What are some cues that you can use to display more warmth?
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Yes, so warmth is all about encouraging collaboration.
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So my favorite warmth cue that I like to start off with, most people start off with smiling.
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And the reason for this is because in a lot of professional settings, it would be weird to like maniacally hold a smile on your face.
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So I actually don't recommend smiling first, especially because smiling can also be a submissive gesture.
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So my favorite warmth cue is a triple nod or any kind of nod.
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And the reason for this, and this is in Western cultures, and I should make a cultural note.
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I'd always try to make a cultural note if there's anything different.
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A lot of these cues are universal, but nodding in Bulgaria, India, and Pakistan can be different.
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So if you're not in Bulgaria, India, and Pakistan, these tips are for you.
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So nodding, a vertical nod, so up and down nod means yes, and a horizontal nod means no.
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And we recognize this in these cultures as encouragement, agreement.
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And so what they found is that when someone does a slow triple nod, the other person speaks 67% longer.
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If you're on video, even on the phone, by the way, even national hotline callers are trained to nod.
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It literally is telling someone, please tell me more.
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And that is a very subtle way to encourage more warmth.
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Another kind of head one that you can try is a tilt.
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So this comes from an evolutionary, this is across cultures, that when we try to hear something better,
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like if I were to say, do you hear that dog barking?
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Usually we tilt our head over to the side and expose our ear.
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And so we recognize if we're in conversation with someone and they tilt their head,
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they are deeply trying to listen, which is also another warmth cue.
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So I love those because if you're on video call or you're in person, you're trying to
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offer someone encouragement, make them feel the warm and fuzzies.
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A tilt and a nod are super nonverbal subtle ways to be like, I'm here.
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That's, I think, how she gets people to open up so much.
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So that's interesting about the head nod, the slow triple head nod.
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There's this guy at my church a couple of years ago where you would talk to him and then
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he would just sit there in silence and it would be so intimidating.
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But one thing you did too, now that you mentioned it, he would do like the slow three nods while
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He's like, man, whenever I talk to this guy, I just like blabber incessantly and I feel
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And I don't know if he intentionally did this or he just kind of picked up on it, but
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So the slow three nod and just being silent, that can get people just to spill the beans
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They also, I know we're not talking about vocal yet, but there is some really funny research
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on vocalizations along with some of these nonverbal cues.
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So I know exactly the type you're talking about, that strong, silent type, and you just want
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I call that verbal vomit, where you just want to tell them everything.
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And a lot of it is because we're being cued to do so.
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The other thing that research found is that this is a difference between men and women.
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Women find men more attractive if they vocalize, oh, along with a nod or a tilt.
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So if you want to be more attractive, this is one study led specifically for women to men
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You might also add in a, oh, ah, women just love it.
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So there's some warmth cues, tilting, nodding, the slow triple nod, but there's other things
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You can do a smile, but you don't want it to be like a crazy smile.
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So it's just like, you know, you're really enjoying what you're seeing and interacting
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And the research has actually looked at types of smiles.
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They found that a slow, what I call a savor smile, a smile that spreads across your face
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And this is important because I think that we can get really serious, especially in our
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professional settings or even with our partner, you know, we're talking about logistics and
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the kids and pickup times and we forget that there's some joy there.
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And so it's looking for opportunities to have either mutual laughter.
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There is nothing happier for the brain than two people laughing at once or showing a savor
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So especially in the beginning of a call or beginning of the interaction, if someone's
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I try to think of what is one thing I could say verbally that will give me warmth.
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It's so nice to finally give you a hug in person, whatever those words are.
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And pairing it with a slow savor smile, that is like a bonus points in the charisma scale
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because it aligns our verbal and our non-verbal and we love it.
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We're going to take a quick break for your words from our sponsors.
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All right, let's talk about situations that require more power or competent social cues.
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And you, I love this, you use the JFK-Richard-Nixon debate as a way to highlight the power of power
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So what can we learn from that debate on how to utilize power cues?
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So that debate, so Nixon versus Kennedy, it was a very interesting point in our history.
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And from a nonverbal perspective, it was the first time where people realized there was
00:23:38.020
During this time, part of the population watched the debate on television.
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Part of the population listened to the debate on the radio.
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What was fascinating is this is the first time in U.S. history where there was a discrepancy
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between the winners or in the perceived winners.
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So everyone who watched the debate was sure that Kennedy won.
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Everyone who listened to the debate was sure that Nixon won.
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And when you analyze just the first 30 seconds of this debate, and I highly recommend go on
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If you watch the first 30 seconds of the debate, you will see Nixon gives away,
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First, he immediately looks over at Kennedy and the moderator.
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And as humans, we are very attuned to gaze cues.
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So I think that while Nixon was trying to be polite, he actually gave away all of his
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power in the first three seconds of the debate by looking over at Kennedy.
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It literally told the audience, don't look at me, look at Kennedy.
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So he took away that, so fronting is our toes, our torso and our head.
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He took away fronting from us, which subtly makes the audience feel disrespected.
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The second thing that he immediately does, he grips the side of his chair.
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I don't know if he did this because he was nervous or he was trying to still himself.
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But when we see that white knuckle grip, it makes us think, ah, they're closed.
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The fist evolutionary, from an evolutionary perspective, is our most protective gesture.
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When we're angry, we tend to clench our fists because it's our most powerful weapon against
00:25:14.740
And interestingly, if you watch the very first few seconds, he's in what's called a runner's
00:25:22.940
And some interesting historical fact is he had injured his knee on the campaign trail
00:25:29.220
So I think he was actually nursing his injured knee.
00:25:32.560
But what happened was, is because if you think about a runner about to take off on a race,
00:25:42.060
When someone is about to run away or flee, they instinctively go into this position.
00:25:46.880
Well, we don't like leaders who are about to run away from us.
00:25:50.220
And so in this one little snapshot, we see a clenched fist, someone not fronting with
00:25:56.180
us and literally looking like they're about to run for their lives.
00:26:01.880
He was looking at the camera, looking at the audience, just look cool, calm and collected
00:26:10.560
So I think there's a little bit of a myth I would love to bust if we can.
00:26:15.060
You know, power posing had a moment in like 2010 where it was like every show, everyone
00:26:22.440
It's very high power, high competence, but it's also socially aggressive.
00:26:27.080
So you're not going to walk into your meetings with your hands above your head.
00:26:29.800
What power really looks like is what Kennedy looked like in the first, second of this debate.
00:26:34.720
Nice and relaxed shoulders, a maximized distance.
00:26:38.020
This is the weirdest distance, but it's incredibly important for perceived confidence.
00:26:42.580
The distance between your earlobe and your shoulder.
00:26:46.260
Really highly competent people, they maximize this distance because their shoulders are down
00:26:52.380
When people are not confident, you see this distance shrink.
00:26:55.260
They turtle their head down, they pull their ears up, their shoulders up towards their
00:27:04.260
He was nice and relaxed and it made us want to catch that calm confidence.
00:27:13.280
When he was introduced, he gives a very subtle, calm nod.
00:27:17.260
So he balanced out that competence with the perfect warmth cue.
00:27:25.900
Doesn't mean you have to put your hands up in the air and do the power pose, but just
00:27:28.860
powerful people take up space and they're comfortable taking up space around them.
00:27:33.840
Some other interesting ones that you talked about in the book that I thought were interesting
00:27:38.860
And I think on the cover of your book, you're doing the steeple fingers, correct?
00:27:43.660
That cover was, we argued a lot about that cover.
00:27:48.240
Yes, a steeple is if you want to try this with me.
00:27:52.660
So if you're listening, put the tips of your fingers together into like a little church
00:27:58.880
Leave space between your hands and just hold it for a second.
00:28:02.520
This position should actually make you feel quite calm and collected.
00:28:09.460
The reason for this is because when our hands are open and relaxed, especially if our palms
00:28:15.160
You can still see our palms when we steeple and our fingers are together.
00:28:18.560
It's as if we're thinking, oh, I am calm, cool, and collected.
00:28:25.100
And so that steeple gesture is, you'll notice it on Shark Tank.
00:28:32.060
Now, I always say with cues, you have to try them on.
00:28:40.360
You're going to be like, oh, I already do that.
00:28:43.280
If you already do one of those cues, fantastic.
00:28:45.300
Some cues you might have to try a couple of times and be like, oh, you know what?
00:28:49.320
And there's going to be some cues that you'll feel absolutely ridiculous.
00:28:53.540
You have to try it on in a couple of different situations.
00:28:56.540
Either you're going to love it and it will be part of your hand gesture repertoire,
00:29:04.040
If you feel silly, I want you to only use cues that make you feel authentic.
00:29:08.540
So we mentioned charisma cues, so the leaning in the fronting, warmth cues, the head tilt,
00:29:13.040
the head nodding, competence cues, power posture, so that distance between ears and shoulders,
00:29:19.980
What are some nonverbal cues that people should just avoid so they don't go in that danger,
00:29:32.160
And what's interesting about them is they are the nonverbal cues that you both don't
00:29:36.120
want to show, but you also want to watch out for because if you see them, they can be signals,
00:29:47.780
And so not only do you want to avoid showing these, but you also want to make sure that you're
00:29:51.580
on the lookout to make sure if you see them, that means, okay, I got to dig deeper.
00:29:58.840
And I'm always careful to say that they're bad.
00:30:01.540
And the reason for this is because there's also times where you do want to show danger
00:30:07.700
So if someone's challenging you or you don't want to build rapport, you can even save these
00:30:12.480
danger zone cues for, I'm out, I want to set up boundaries, and I don't want to talk to
00:30:19.520
So what are some examples of ones that you focus a lot on in the book?
00:30:26.780
So when we press our lips together, so if you just want to mash your lips together, like
00:30:30.860
make them into a hard line, can we kind of make that sound?
00:30:37.100
It's as if as humans, when we're trying to keep something in or keep it together or hold
00:30:42.200
back, our mouth presses in to say, don't say that, stop that.
00:30:49.600
So this could be something that we're ashamed of, something we're embarrassed of.
00:30:54.940
So one of the things we did in our lab, I love this experiment, we played two truths and
00:30:59.940
You know, that game where you say two true statements about yourself and one lie with
00:31:05.240
And what we had participants do is we had them submit videos of themselves sharing two
00:31:10.280
And the lip purse was the most common cue that we saw right before or right after the
00:31:18.020
The reason for this is because we know as humans that lying gets into trouble, right?
00:31:25.260
And so we noticed that people would say, you know, their true statement, true statement,
00:31:32.020
It was like their body going, don't say it, don't say it, or don't give anything away.
00:31:36.060
And so a lip purse is a great cue because it lets you know, I have to give this person
00:31:43.680
So when I see a lip purse, I'll say, hey, are we good?
00:31:51.960
So that's the way that I think when we see a danger zone cue, it gives us an opportunity
00:31:58.700
So that's a great example of be on the lookout for a cue and someone else that is that
00:32:13.220
And you talk about in the book, our voice can convey social cues.
00:32:16.760
How can we use our voice to sound more confident, more warm?
00:32:20.120
So we have so much that we're conveying in our voice.
00:32:22.980
And that's because when we're listening to someone, we are listening for their confidence.
00:32:29.700
And what research has found is actually we decide how confident someone is within the first
00:32:36.480
And so one thing that we noticed right away is there's two different cues that we should
00:32:43.480
Um, the first one is up talk or the question inflection.
00:32:46.860
So when we are speaking and we're confident in our words, we use a neutral inflection or a
00:32:53.800
So right now I'm speaking in a neutral inflection.
00:32:55.960
If I'm really powerful about something, I'll sling my words down at the end.
00:32:59.920
So I'll go down my inflection up talk is when we go up at our inflection.
00:33:08.980
What research has found is that when we accidentally use up talk on a statement, it literally triggers
00:33:15.460
the other person to think they're questioning themselves.
00:33:23.400
And we found that when people get the most pushback or negotiation on their numbers, especially
00:33:28.860
their prices, it's because they deliver their number and up talk.
00:33:31.780
So they'll say, we'd love to have your business.
00:33:39.060
When we ask, you are begging someone to question you.
00:33:44.860
So the first thing is making sure on your video calls, in person, in your voicemail,
00:33:49.860
that you are using a neutral or downward inflection, especially on the important statements, your
00:33:59.160
It's critical that that actually triggers confidence because it shows I feel confident.
00:34:06.660
Another one you talk about is vocal fry as well, right?
00:34:09.180
So vocal fry typically affects women more than men.
00:34:12.000
They've actually found this in the research that because women want to be perceived as
00:34:15.380
more likable, typically are seen as higher in warmth.
00:34:18.260
They will use more question inflection as if to say, do you like this statement?
00:34:22.820
So it's actually a questioning in their statement.
00:34:27.420
Vocal fry is when our voice goes into a kind of wavery.
00:34:32.480
So you hear like it's sizzling bacon in a pan, that kind of wavery.
00:34:36.780
Now, if I were to talk like this in my entire interview, it would drive you crazy.
00:34:40.540
The reason for that is because as humans, we know that if someone's in vocal fry, they're
00:34:47.920
A vocal fry happens when we don't have enough volume.
00:34:50.020
We don't have enough breath and our vocal cords tense.
00:34:52.220
So right now I'm working very hard to keep my vocal power in the lowest end of my range
00:34:59.280
But now what I'll do for you just so you can hear the difference is I'm going to tighten
00:35:02.160
my vocal cords so you can hear what anxiety sounds like.
00:35:05.300
So when I'm a little bit anxious, I tend to go a little bit higher in my range and I also
00:35:09.600
lose volume and you can hear that I have a lot more vocal fry.
00:35:13.960
And that is because when we are tense, we lose breath and it's hard for our vocal cords
00:35:20.080
Now, the moment I relax my vocal cords, ah, sounds so much better.
00:35:24.860
So what we have to be really aware of is the moment you hear yourself go into vocal fry,
00:35:31.940
The fastest way to fix vocal fry is to speak up.
00:35:37.580
If you're with someone and they're using vocal fry, ask them, can you speak up?
00:35:42.760
It is the fastest way to fix vocal fry and also take a deep breath, use the lower end
00:35:50.660
Like just doing that little five second demo, it actually makes me feel more anxious, even
00:35:57.740
You mentioned vocal fry is more common with women, but I've been hearing a lot more dudes
00:36:08.020
So I think that's something everyone should be aware of and avoid if you want to sound
00:36:15.580
Another thing we already mentioned is the guy who uses, let's call them power pauses,
00:36:22.380
That's another thing you do to sound more powerful.
00:36:24.180
It's, you know, you take up space conversationally by being silent.
00:36:32.300
Actually, the perfect pause, they measured it, is about a half of a second.
00:36:40.080
We think, okay, if someone is willing to take a breath, they feel confident that I'm not
00:36:46.780
So a mistake that can happen is when we're anxious, we speak faster, which makes us not
00:36:51.740
pause, which makes us sound less conversationally confident.
00:36:57.200
And so you'll notice that people hit vocal fry at the end of their sentence.
00:37:01.640
And that's because they're trying to get it all in.
00:37:05.040
And then by the end of their sentence, they don't have any breath left.
00:37:09.080
So pausing is like a double punch where it allows you to take a deep breath.
00:37:19.460
We coded TED Talks in our lab and we found that the most charismatic people use pausing
00:37:28.780
So they'll say, today I have a really big idea.
00:37:33.340
I'm going to share it with three different ways that are going to change your life.
00:37:41.040
Like there's a reason we like it is because it's actually the pausing is creating drama
00:37:47.640
What can we do with our voice to sound more warm?
00:37:50.940
So warmth is, this is actually, you always want to pair vocal warmth with verbal warmth.
00:37:56.320
What I mean by this is it's really easy to add vocal warmth when you're talking about
00:38:01.700
So especially the first 10 seconds of interaction, are you happy to be there?
00:38:09.020
I think the biggest enemy of vocal warmth is we go accidentally negative.
00:38:13.980
So we're starting a call or we're hopping into a meeting and we say, oh, I'm so sorry.
00:38:26.440
When you do that, you can hear my vocal tone also goes more negative and we don't like
00:38:33.500
So what you're better off doing is what is something positive you can say in the first
00:38:36.900
10 seconds that you can match with vocal warmth.
00:38:39.520
Your voice can smile and that sounds crazy, but I'll do two demos for you.
00:38:48.800
We found in our lab that people could hear the happy hello.
00:39:01.460
So if you compare it with a verbal happiness, it makes it more authentic.
00:39:05.080
So that's a weird, so smile when you say, like when you answer the phone, smile when you
00:39:10.420
And deliver whatever that good thing is that you were ready to give, you know, oh, I'm
00:39:17.420
It's so much easier to naturally smile and it actually changes the way your voice sounds.
00:39:26.460
She was, you could tell she was smiling and she brought in that warm stuff and it worked.
00:39:31.240
I was like, man, I want to talk to this person.
00:39:34.120
And I had thought about before our call, I was like, oh my gosh, I have to tell him that
00:39:38.080
my favorite Art of Manliness article, I can't wait to tell him.
00:39:41.300
And so I was waiting with that good piece of news, which made it super easy for me to smile.
00:39:46.620
And your favorite article was our, the generational cycles article that we wrote a long time ago.
00:39:51.840
The cyclical history of men is the single best article on the internet.
00:39:55.680
I literally send it out every two to three weeks.
00:39:58.340
And if you have not read it, you must go read it.
00:40:05.640
So we talked about our voice, the words we can use can make us feel more warm.
00:40:09.120
Uh, what are some ways that we can use our image to appear more competent or more warm?
00:40:15.840
So imagery cues are really important because they typically create neural maps.
00:40:20.440
And what I mean by this is one single prop color image pin can trigger all kinds of feelings.
00:40:28.660
So I always like to use dating profiles as an example.
00:40:33.340
If you are skimming through dating profiles and someone is holding a snowboard that might
00:40:38.560
activate a whole series of other feelings for you.
00:40:41.620
If you like snowboards, adventure, vacation, fun memories with your family.
00:40:46.940
If you don't like snowboarding, it triggers a whole different set of things, cold, hurting,
00:40:54.200
And so we use imagery already subconsciously, but I want to make it more conscious.
00:40:58.500
Where in your profile pictures, what you're wearing, what's on your desk, what's in your
00:41:03.020
zoom background, all of those things are triggering neural maps for people.
00:41:07.980
You want to make sure they're triggering the right things.
00:41:10.120
What are some things that, you know, guys can do in particular to think about how they
00:41:14.240
I think a lot of guys are, well, how you dress is so superficial, but in your research and
00:41:18.660
in your coaching, easy things that guys can think about in terms of dress that can up
00:41:25.340
So for dress specifically, you always want to think about where you fit in.
00:41:33.120
You want to dress for the company you want to work at.
00:41:35.920
You want to dress for how you want to dress on your ideal date.
00:41:39.260
For example, if your ideal date is, you know, hanging out with a picnic in the park, you don't
00:41:45.440
want to be in a button down, even though other people might like that because that's not actually
00:41:49.900
You actually better off being in a more casual, your favorite t-shirt, your favorite jeans, because
00:41:54.680
it's going to trigger the right neural maps to the right people.
00:42:02.600
So if your ideal partner is the kind of person who would want to do a picnic and dress more
00:42:06.780
casually, I would rather you trigger a positive neural map for them.
00:42:19.020
That's going to turn on the right people and turn off the wrong people.
00:42:23.660
If you wear a suit, you might get somebody that they've wanted like fancy stuff all the
00:42:28.700
And you found yourself in like, I'm in a conundrum here.
00:42:30.780
I'll give you another very kind of, this happens in a lot of ways, not just like, you
00:42:34.260
know, the basics of formal and not formal, you know, politicians in the United States
00:42:40.820
So a flag pin is a symbol for certain people that they love.
00:42:45.000
It's also an ornament or a symbol of certain people they do not love.
00:42:48.200
And so even when you think about those kinds of things, like wearing a pin on your lapel
00:42:54.160
I want you to think about what are the other pins in your life?
00:43:01.060
All of those things are going to either be allergies for people you don't want or attractors
00:43:09.260
Well, Vanessa, this has been a great conversation.
00:43:11.000
Where can people go to learn more about the book and your work?
00:43:16.760
I also record the Audible and that we have a lot of fun with that.
00:43:19.440
So if you prefer audio books, and then of course, my website is scienceofpeople.com.
00:43:23.580
We have a ton of free videos of cues, nonverbal cues.
00:43:26.880
I break down the rock and so many fun people, Princess Diana, Justin Bieber.
00:43:31.440
So if you want to see some of the cues in action, you can also waste many, many hours
00:43:36.660
Well, Vanessa Van Edwards, thank you for your time.
00:43:43.440
It's available on amazon.com and bookstores everywhere.
00:43:45.420
You find more information about our work at our website, scienceofpeople.com.
00:43:49.060
Also check out our show notes at aom.is slash charismacues, where you find links to resources,
00:43:57.540
Well, that wraps up another edition of the AOM podcast.
00:44:00.220
Make sure to check out our website at artofmanliness.com, where you find our podcast archives, as well
00:44:03.900
as thousands of articles written over the years about pretty much anything you think
00:44:06.900
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00:44:31.460
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