The Art of Manliness - The Cues That Make You Charismatic

00:00:00.000 Hey, this is Brett, it is Thanksgiving here in the United States, so we're taking a break

00:00:03.100 to spend time with our friends and family, eat some good food, so we're rebroadcasting

00:00:06.860 episode number 837, The Cues That Make You Charismatic.

00:00:10.600 Hope you enjoy it, happy Thanksgiving, and see you on Monday with a brand new episode.

00:00:22.380 Brett McKay here, and welcome to another edition of the Art of Manliness podcast.

00:00:26.080 Charisma can make everything smoother, easier, and more exciting in life.

00:00:30.000 It's a quality that makes people want to listen to you, to adopt your ideas, to be with you.

00:00:34.400 While what creates charisma can seem like a mystery, my guest today, communications expert

00:00:38.320 Vanessa Van Edwards, says it comes down to possessing an optimal balance of two qualities,

00:00:43.060 warmth and competence.

00:00:44.600 The problem is, even if you have warmth and competence, you may not be good at signaling

00:00:48.100 these qualities to others.

00:00:49.780 In Vanessa's work, she's created a research-backed encyclopedia of these influential signals,

00:00:53.580 and she shares how to offer them in her book, Cues, Master the Secret Language of Charismatic

00:00:58.020 Communication.

00:00:58.700 Today on the show, Vanessa and I discuss some of these verbal and nonverbal social cues

00:01:02.280 that make you attractive to others and keep you out of what she calls the danger zone.

00:01:06.300 She explains what the distance between your earlobes and shoulders has to do with looking

00:01:09.460 competent, how using uptalk and vocal fry sabotages your ability to convey power, how

00:01:13.860 to put more warmth in your voice, how to trigger the right response with a dating profile picture,

00:01:17.760 and more.

00:01:18.620 After the show's over, check out our show notes at awem.is slash charisma cues.

00:01:22.180 Vanessa Van Edwards, welcome to the show.

00:01:35.940 Oh, thanks so much for having me.

00:01:37.700 So you have made a career researching, writing about, teaching how to be effective communicators,

00:01:44.440 how to be more charismatic.

00:01:45.460 And a book I just recently read, I really enjoyed, it's called Cues, Master the Secret

00:01:51.000 Language of Charismatic Communication.

00:01:53.540 So let's start off with definitions.

00:01:54.920 How do you, as a researcher, how do you define charisma?

00:01:58.420 So the good news is, is that charisma can be learned.

00:02:00.880 So we can define it and we can learn it.

00:02:03.640 So that's a good thing.

00:02:04.580 And I always was perplexed by charisma because one thing we found in our lab many, many years

00:02:09.980 ago, we were doing a little experiment and we were surprised because we asked two questions

00:02:14.980 in our experiment.

00:02:16.160 The first one was, who is the most charismatic person you know?

00:02:19.520 You're listening to this.

00:02:20.680 Just think about that person for a second.

00:02:22.640 We timed people on their answers.

00:02:24.500 People could immediately tell us the most charismatic person they knew.

00:02:28.520 Took about three seconds.

00:02:30.060 The next question we asked was, what is charisma?

00:02:32.820 Trying to get them to define it.

00:02:33.840 It was so interesting.

00:02:35.040 You just had them define or think about the most charismatic person.

00:02:38.660 This question completely stumped people.

00:02:40.840 It took an average of about 15 seconds for people to answer.

00:02:44.040 And typically they could not come up with a good answer.

00:02:46.940 And we realized charisma is one of these few traits that we know the moment we see it.

00:02:51.700 We know when we see someone walk into a room who has high charisma or a pop-on video,

00:02:55.900 we're drawn to them, yet we have a very hard time defining it.

00:02:59.240 So when we go to the research, we find that very highly charismatic people,

00:03:03.400 the reason that they are so magnetic and so unique is they have a perfect blend of two

00:03:10.460 specific traits.

00:03:11.820 And the key here is they have to have these traits in equal measure.

00:03:15.040 They are warmth and competence.

00:03:17.140 So highly charismatic people, what they do is they're signaling warmth, trust, likability,

00:03:23.260 collaboration.

00:03:24.200 But at the very same time, they're signaling competence, capability, power, efficiency.

00:03:29.860 And so we love charismatic people because they're both likable and respectable, warm and credible.

00:03:37.280 So that's the actual definition is warmth plus competence.

00:03:40.480 Okay, so you can be exceedingly warm and not be charismatic, correct?

00:03:45.860 Yes.

00:03:46.280 So that's the key is what most people have.

00:03:48.840 And this is this research comes from Dr. Susan Fisk is most of us have an imbalance.

00:03:53.540 Most of us have a little bit too high of warmth or a little bit too high of competence,

00:03:57.300 or we're signaling too high warmth or signaling too high competence.

00:04:01.260 And what happens with this is you can be very likable, friendly, collaborative, but if you

00:04:07.240 have too much warmth, people don't respect you, people don't take you seriously, people

00:04:11.860 interrupt you.

00:04:13.160 If you have too high competence without enough warmth, people see you as very credible, very

00:04:18.720 powerful, but without the warmth, they see you as intimidating or hard to talk to, or the

00:04:23.960 one that we hear a lot is cold or stoic.

00:04:26.160 And so the key is why that, that blend is so important is you have to have a balance that

00:04:31.480 I'm approachable, but I'm also credible.

00:04:34.280 And are there people who have neither warmth nor competence?

00:04:37.220 Oh yes, that, that I call the danger zone.

00:04:40.600 And by the way, this is where I was in purgatory for many, many, many years.

00:04:45.700 So I'm a recovering awkward person.

00:04:47.700 The reason that I'm obsessed with charisma is I don't have it naturally.

00:04:51.660 I was that kid in school who sat in the corner of the cafeteria and looked and watched all

00:04:57.300 the cool kids with their amazing charisma.

00:05:00.280 And I was always amazed by how they were able to bottle it.

00:05:03.780 And so the danger zone is when you're not signaling enough warmth nor competence.

00:05:08.140 And what research has found is folks who are overly stoic, and by the way, this doesn't

00:05:12.800 mean you don't have warmth and competence.

00:05:14.880 It means you're not signaling warmth and competence.

00:05:17.200 And this is, I think the mistake that most of us face is the reason I wasn't signaling

00:05:22.200 anything is because I was afraid.

00:05:24.640 I was terrified of being rejected or disliked.

00:05:27.880 So what did I do?

00:05:28.860 I shut down.

00:05:29.820 I shut down all my cues.

00:05:31.360 I tried to be invisible.

00:05:32.900 And so what research finds is if we don't signal enough, humans don't know what to do with

00:05:37.300 us.

00:05:37.900 Our cues tell others how to treat us.

00:05:40.540 And so people who don't have enough of either signal, they're pitied or dismissed.

00:05:45.360 They're ignored and mostly they're underestimated.

00:05:48.100 And this is, I think, a big problem for very smart people is very smart people.

00:05:52.480 They rely so much on their technical skills, their book smarts.

00:05:55.800 They think I'm prepared.

00:05:57.340 I have knowledge.

00:05:58.200 I have expertise.

00:05:59.240 I don't need to worry about these cues or signals.

00:06:02.340 I don't have to worry about warmth and competence.

00:06:03.720 My knowledge will speak for itself.

00:06:05.880 And so what happens is they show up with all those technical skills in their head.

00:06:09.420 But what the research found very clearly is if you don't have enough cues, specifically

00:06:14.420 you don't have enough warmth cues, people do not believe your competence.

00:06:19.080 Competence without warmth leaves people feeling suspicious.

00:06:23.200 And that's why you have such smart people.

00:06:25.380 Most of our students are high achieving professionals and they cannot get enough credibility.

00:06:31.340 They cannot get people to believe their competence.

00:06:33.140 So another way I've heard this idea of the danger zone described is as a way to describe

00:06:38.700 somebody who's contemptible, right?

00:06:41.320 I think all of us have someone in our life where we think about it and we think, oh my

00:06:44.360 gosh, that guy, he's just really contemptible.

00:06:48.380 And if you ever wonder why that is, it's because they lack warmth and they're not competent.

00:06:54.920 So you don't enjoy being around them.

00:06:56.620 They're just not likable.

00:06:58.020 But then also they can't do anything really well.

00:07:00.540 They're not competent, right?

00:07:01.720 They're not good at anything.

00:07:03.260 And that's why we find them contemptible.

00:07:05.480 Like we just, we find them really annoying and that's the danger zone.

00:07:09.380 So annoying is a good one.

00:07:10.800 So also people don't want to catch it, right?

00:07:14.600 We're very, very contagious, emotionally contagious as humans.

00:07:18.700 So if you have someone who is not signaling enough, that contemptuous person, we don't want

00:07:23.340 to catch that kind of anxiety, that kind of lack of warmth or competence.

00:07:28.000 And so the reason we're drawn to charismatic people, but not drawn to danger zone folks

00:07:33.120 is because we want to be around people who are positively contagious.

00:07:36.500 We want to catch what they have.

00:07:38.480 Okay.

00:07:38.660 So this is important stuff.

00:07:39.920 Like thinking about being charismatic.

00:07:41.840 A lot of people think, well, this is just superficial that that's what shallow people do, but you're

00:07:47.100 making the case that this can help you get ahead in your career and in your personal life

00:07:51.120 as well.

00:07:51.720 And luckily the, I was shocked by this research.

00:07:54.080 So I was in that first category where I doubled down on my test scores and my GPA and my resume,

00:08:01.000 you know, I, that I was, that was what I thought was really important.

00:08:03.080 And I was failing at life.

00:08:05.440 I could not communicate well with people.

00:08:07.520 I was forgotten.

00:08:08.340 I was dismissed.

00:08:09.180 And the research actually has found very, very clearly that when we are more charismatic,

00:08:14.060 people are more likely to take us seriously.

00:08:16.520 We like to listen to ideas from very charismatic people.

00:08:20.100 So the way that I think about this is you've spent a lot of years, likely people who are

00:08:24.500 listening, investing in your expertise, whatever that is, whether you're a creative or you're

00:08:28.980 a technical person, you have developed this skillset.

00:08:32.700 Charisma is like the social lubricant that you need for people to adopt it.

00:08:37.040 It makes everything smoother.

00:08:39.140 So the book's called cues.

00:08:40.400 And the idea is that there are these social cues that we give off.

00:08:43.900 And usually we do this unconsciously.

00:08:46.140 Like we don't even think about it, but in the book, you're making the case that we can

00:08:49.700 be more intentional and thoughtful about these social cues that we display so that we can

00:08:55.080 influence how people think about us in a more positive way.

00:08:58.580 So what are social cues and how much they influence how people see us?

00:09:03.600 Yes.

00:09:03.900 So cues are the social signals that we send to each other.

00:09:06.860 And what most people don't realize is actually there's two sides of cues.

00:09:10.500 There's decoding.

00:09:11.720 This is the thing that most people think of.

00:09:13.120 So you spot a cue on someone else, maybe an eye roll or a smile.

00:09:17.580 Those are all different cues.

00:09:18.520 They tell us what the other person thinks.

00:09:20.860 They tell us how they want to be treated, but there's also encoding.

00:09:24.940 Those are the social signals we send to others.

00:09:27.340 So a lot of the times we only focus on one aspect.

00:09:30.000 We think about decoding cues are being sent, but actually there's a loop happening.

00:09:34.380 Not only are our emotions contagious, our cues are contagious.

00:09:37.420 So research on this is so interesting.

00:09:39.760 It finds that we tend to subconsciously mirror the people we're with.

00:09:43.020 Another reason why we want to be around people with great cues is because we catch them.

00:09:47.580 Confident people make us look more confident because we tend to copy things.

00:09:50.940 What I really was fascinated by is we're sending hundreds of cues to each other every day.

00:09:56.600 We do it on video.

00:09:57.560 We do it on the phone.

00:09:58.600 We do it in our emails.

00:09:59.980 There are actually four different categories of cues.

00:10:02.940 It's not just our body language.

00:10:05.400 There's our nonverbal.

00:10:06.280 So our body language, our facial expressions, our gestures, our posture.

00:10:10.300 That's one big bucket.

00:10:12.160 Research finds that's at a minimum about 60% of how we communicate our message, which is a massive amount of, it affects us in a massive way.

00:10:22.080 The second one is our verbal.

00:10:23.880 So the words we use, right?

00:10:25.640 Even the cues that we send in our emails and our texts and our profiles tell people how to treat us.

00:10:31.740 We can talk about how that works specifically if you want to find that research fascinating.

00:10:35.840 The third one is voice tone.

00:10:37.800 So our volume, our pace, our cadence.

00:10:40.260 And the last one is ornaments.

00:10:41.620 The colors we wear, the jewelry we wear, the car we drive.

00:10:44.780 So in this medium, the only cue channels I have are verbal and vocal.

00:10:50.000 But that means I have to work really hard on making sure that I'm as contagious as I can through my verbal and my vocal cues because they're affecting not only how you think of me, that's actually less important, more how you feel about yourself and how you take this advice.

00:11:04.320 So let's talk about some of these cues that this encyclopedia of cues that you developed with your team.

00:11:10.280 Let's talk about some nonverbal stuff first.

00:11:13.820 What are some powerful charisma cues that cause people to pay attention to us when we're talking?

00:11:21.280 All right. So I'm going to start with the ones that I think are the quickest.

00:11:24.600 And the reason for this is because I like to start off with the beginner stuff and then move to more advanced.

00:11:28.820 My favorite charisma cue is actually the lean.

00:11:31.800 And this is a really, really simple one.

00:11:33.920 And the reason for this is because it actually creates a very interesting brain activation.

00:11:37.660 So research found that when participants in their lab leaned forward slightly, so I'm going to lean forward right now.

00:11:43.920 If you're listening to this, I'd love if you just lean forward for me like an inch or two, whether you're seated or standing or running.

00:11:49.800 When you lean forward, they found that it activates a very specific part of your brain that is pre-action.

00:11:55.940 The reason for this is because when we're about to activate one of our five senses, we lean in.

00:12:01.460 We want to see something better, we lean in.

00:12:02.880 We want to smell something, we lean in.

00:12:03.880 We want to touch something, we lean in.

00:12:04.840 And so interestingly, this is also a nonverbal cue of activation.

00:12:09.260 So when someone is really into something, they'll lean into it.

00:12:11.540 When someone really agrees with you, they'll lean into it.

00:12:13.480 Very highly charismatic people cue you to lean into their very most important points or a deep thought by leaning in themselves.

00:12:23.700 And so if you watch TED speakers, you'll notice that when they're at the most important point, they give a little lean.

00:12:30.800 And it actually makes you want to lean in too.

00:12:33.080 So leaning is a really easy one.

00:12:34.680 You can do it on video.

00:12:35.620 You can do it in person.

00:12:36.640 You can even do it, I think, over audio to give that, we're inside something.

00:12:42.740 We're talking about something really good.

00:12:44.380 It's a really simple one, but it's so effective.

00:12:46.540 Another one you talked about that I thought was interesting is fronting.

00:12:48.440 What is fronting?

00:12:49.500 Yes.

00:12:49.960 Okay.

00:12:50.260 So when we think about space, so with nonverbal, we're constantly trying to interact with other humans in space.

00:12:55.360 And so fronting is when we angle our body, our entire body, toes, torso, and head towards the person we're speaking with.

00:13:02.460 Ideally, and this is an interesting one, when we are on parallel lines with someone else, so if you imagine like a railroad tracks, we like in the perfect scenario to be on the same track as someone else.

00:13:14.680 Our feet are aligned.

00:13:15.600 Our hips are aligned.

00:13:16.500 Our head is aligned.

00:13:17.420 And when we do this, our body and our brain think, ah, we're aligned.

00:13:21.920 There's nothing in between us.

00:13:22.900 I'm going to speak more.

00:13:23.920 I'm going to speak in longer sentences.

00:13:25.280 We're more likely to say yes if we're fronting with someone.

00:13:28.360 The reason why this is important is because I notice we accidentally don't front when we are on our computer.

00:13:35.400 We're taking notes.

00:13:36.660 We kind of call over our shoulder.

00:13:38.560 I've even noticed a couple people with their Zoom setups will have their camera off to the side or over one shoulder while they're typing on their computer.

00:13:45.020 It is physically hard for someone to open up, collaborate, or connect when you are not being fronted with.

00:13:52.820 And so one of the doctors we interviewed for the book, he found that when he angles, he swivels his entire stool towards someone, he can actually get the patient to talk more, open up more.

00:14:02.480 So this is a very simple one that always try to make a point of angling your entire body towards someone.

00:14:07.420 Well, I think we totally know this, right?

00:14:08.960 If you don't want to talk to somebody, like you're on like the subway or a bus, you're sitting next to somebody you want to show, I don't want to talk to you.

00:14:14.540 You kind of shift the other way away from the person.

00:14:18.000 Yeah, and decoding is a great point here is all of these cues have both encoding and decoding.

00:14:22.400 We can send the signal.

00:14:23.440 We can also decode the signal.

00:14:24.660 If you're looking for who should I approach in a bar, who should I go up to at this networking event, you want to look for people who are more open to fronting.

00:14:32.280 I jokingly call it croissant feat.

00:14:35.360 Any reference to a croissant is a good reference for me.

00:14:38.320 So what I mean by this is if someone doesn't want you to interrupt their group, like you're in a networking event or you're at a bar, they will be fully fronting with the person they're talking with.

00:14:45.860 They have no opening.

00:14:47.140 If someone is in croissant feat, in other words, their foot is angled out, their torso is angled out, they are literally saying, I am physically open to being approached.

00:14:55.860 And so you can also decode who wants to talk to me and who doesn't want to talk to me based on fronting.

00:15:00.260 Okay, so two things there.

00:15:01.960 If you want to seem more charismatic, signal that you're charismatic, lean in, and you can do that via audio as well.

00:15:08.540 And then the fronting, just turn towards people.

00:15:10.380 And that will, I think one of the things I've heard about charisma is that charisma is making someone feel like they're the most important person in the room.

00:15:19.000 And fronting does that.

00:15:20.800 Yes, exactly.

00:15:21.560 Because you're literally saying, I respect you so much.

00:15:24.560 I'm going to give you my full nonverbal attention.

00:15:27.400 Very rare thing to think about.

00:15:28.600 That's how we think about it as humans.

00:15:30.260 Well, a point you make, I think we should talk about this, this warmth-competence dichotomy.

00:15:35.740 You point out that if you want to be charismatic, you have to understand that some situations might require more warmth, and some situations might require more competence signals.

00:15:47.820 It's not like in every situation, you want to be perfectly aligned with warmth and balance.

00:15:51.500 In order to get that balance, it's going to depend on the situation, correct?

00:15:55.320 Yeah, the metaphor I like to think of is like a thermostat, right?

00:15:58.120 So if you think about the thermostat in your home, you probably have an ideal range that you like, you know, let's say between 68 and 72.

00:16:04.220 So 68 might be a little on the cooler side, it's a hot summer day, 72 might be on the winter.

00:16:09.200 Above 72, you're hot, that's too warm.

00:16:11.880 Below 68, you're cold, that's competent, too competent.

00:16:15.500 In the 40s, it's a danger zone.

00:16:17.540 So this range, you actually have quite a bit of flexibility.

00:16:20.260 Very highly charismatic people, you leverage this range.

00:16:23.280 So if they're going into a meeting where they're negotiating, they need to be taken seriously, they're selling, they don't want any pushback, they will dial up their competence cues.

00:16:33.380 They'll use more power gazing, they'll use more purposeful hand gestures, they'll be more still in their body posture.

00:16:39.400 Those are all competence cues.

00:16:41.180 On the other hand, let's say that you're going to a happy hour, you are with colleagues, you're in a creative brainstorm session, and you want everyone to be open.

00:16:47.840 You want everyone to feel welcome.

00:16:49.260 It's not about your ideas, it's about the team ideas.

00:16:51.860 Well, in that situation, you'd be best served to show more warmth cues, more nodding, more smiling, more social gazing.

00:16:59.580 Those cues are literally sending signals of warmth.

00:17:02.940 Again, we're still in that 68 to 72 range, you don't want to have too much of one, but that's what really highly charismatic people do.

00:17:09.580 And the example I gave in the book is Jeff Bezos.

00:17:12.740 There's two different interviews of him, one in 60 minutes, and one with a business insider interview.

00:17:17.980 And it's the same person, but he looks completely different.

00:17:21.160 On the 60 minutes interview, he's clearly going for warmth, being relatable, being kind of friendly, it's a more casual interview.

00:17:27.600 In the business insider interview, he's super high in competence.

00:17:31.200 He's trying to really talk about his business, be taken more seriously, talk about his growth.

00:17:36.280 And he uses cues differently to come across as slightly higher in warmth versus competence, but depending on his goals.

00:17:42.100 Okay, so we just talked about some cues of charisma that you found that these just show charisma, the lean in and the fronting.

00:17:49.160 But let's say you're in a situation, you kind of, you briefly touched on some, I'd like to flesh some of this stuff out.

00:17:53.500 Let's say you're in a situation that requires more warmth.

00:17:55.920 You give an example of a doctor who's trying to develop a rapport with a patient that needs more warmth.

00:18:02.100 What are some cues that you can use to display more warmth?

00:18:05.600 Yes, so warmth is all about encouraging collaboration.

00:18:09.200 So my favorite warmth cue that I like to start off with, most people start off with smiling.

00:18:12.680 That's actually not my favorite warmth cue.

00:18:14.280 And the reason for this is because in a lot of professional settings, it would be weird to like maniacally hold a smile on your face.

00:18:21.020 So I actually don't recommend smiling first, especially because smiling can also be a submissive gesture.

00:18:25.920 So my favorite warmth cue is a triple nod or any kind of nod.

00:18:30.000 And the reason for this, and this is in Western cultures, and I should make a cultural note.

00:18:33.840 I'd always try to make a cultural note if there's anything different.

00:18:36.040 A lot of these cues are universal, but nodding in Bulgaria, India, and Pakistan can be different.

00:18:41.240 So if you're not in Bulgaria, India, and Pakistan, these tips are for you.

00:18:45.060 So nodding, a vertical nod, so up and down nod means yes, and a horizontal nod means no.

00:18:51.120 And we recognize this in these cultures as encouragement, agreement.

00:18:58.480 And so what they found is that when someone does a slow triple nod, the other person speaks 67% longer.

00:19:08.220 It's kind of like a nonverbal dot, dot, dot.

00:19:10.980 That's actually how you can think about it.

00:19:12.940 And this is super helpful.

00:19:14.260 If you're on video, even on the phone, by the way, even national hotline callers are trained to nod.

00:19:19.340 It literally is telling someone, please tell me more.

00:19:23.400 I'm here.

00:19:24.240 I'm listening.

00:19:25.500 And that is a very subtle way to encourage more warmth.

00:19:28.260 So nodding is one.

00:19:29.520 Another kind of head one that you can try is a tilt.

00:19:32.480 So this comes from an evolutionary, this is across cultures, that when we try to hear something better,

00:19:38.220 like if I were to say, do you hear that dog barking?

00:19:41.260 Usually we tilt our head over to the side and expose our ear.

00:19:43.920 That's a universal response.

00:19:45.100 And so we recognize if we're in conversation with someone and they tilt their head,

00:19:49.760 they are deeply trying to listen, which is also another warmth cue.

00:19:53.740 So I love those because if you're on video call or you're in person, you're trying to

00:19:58.120 offer someone encouragement, make them feel the warm and fuzzies.

00:20:01.360 A tilt and a nod are super nonverbal subtle ways to be like, I'm here.

00:20:05.480 I'm listening.

00:20:06.180 Really good interviewers.

00:20:07.360 Oprah Winfrey does this really well.

00:20:09.360 That's, I think, how she gets people to open up so much.

00:20:11.280 So that's interesting about the head nod, the slow triple head nod.

00:20:15.220 There's this guy at my church a couple of years ago where you would talk to him and then

00:20:19.860 he would just sit there in silence and it would be so intimidating.

00:20:24.760 He's like, oh my gosh.

00:20:25.580 And you start nervously filling in the space.

00:20:27.940 But one thing you did too, now that you mentioned it, he would do like the slow three nods while

00:20:31.860 being in silence.

00:20:33.300 And it's not just me.

00:20:34.500 It was like other people too.

00:20:35.360 He's like, man, whenever I talk to this guy, I just like blabber incessantly and I feel 0.97

00:20:39.100 dumb.

00:20:39.780 And I don't know if he intentionally did this or he just kind of picked up on it, but 1.00

00:20:43.780 it was effective.

00:20:44.380 So the slow three nod and just being silent, that can get people just to spill the beans

00:20:49.020 about anything.

00:20:50.060 They also, I know we're not talking about vocal yet, but there is some really funny research

00:20:54.760 on vocalizations along with some of these nonverbal cues.

00:20:57.680 So I know exactly the type you're talking about, that strong, silent type, and you just want

00:21:01.760 to divulge your deepest secrets.

00:21:02.960 I call that verbal vomit, where you just want to tell them everything.

00:21:07.200 And a lot of it is because we're being cued to do so.

00:21:10.180 The other thing that research found is that this is a difference between men and women.

00:21:14.420 Women find men more attractive if they vocalize, oh, along with a nod or a tilt. 0.99

00:21:25.600 So if you want to be more attractive, this is one study led specifically for women to men

00:21:29.900 in heterosexual relationships.

00:21:31.500 You might also add in a, oh, ah, women just love it. 1.00

00:21:37.560 They love it.

00:21:38.340 All right.

00:21:38.820 So there's some warmth cues, tilting, nodding, the slow triple nod, but there's other things

00:21:43.960 you mentioned too.

00:21:44.600 You can do a smile, but you don't want it to be like a crazy smile.

00:21:47.920 You call it a savor smile.

00:21:49.320 So it's just like, you know, you're really enjoying what you're seeing and interacting

00:21:53.060 with.

00:21:53.460 It's not like the fake smile thing.

00:21:56.000 Yeah.

00:21:56.180 And the research has actually looked at types of smiles.

00:21:59.920 I love this research.

00:22:01.540 They found that a slow, what I call a savor smile, a smile that spreads across your face

00:22:06.960 is actually the best kind of smile.

00:22:08.500 So it's not holding the smile.

00:22:10.040 That is the worst.

00:22:11.360 And this is important because I think that we can get really serious, especially in our

00:22:15.160 professional settings or even with our partner, you know, we're talking about logistics and

00:22:18.660 the kids and pickup times and we forget that there's some joy there.

00:22:22.600 And so it's looking for opportunities to have either mutual laughter.

00:22:27.120 Oh my goodness.

00:22:27.760 There is nothing happier for the brain than two people laughing at once or showing a savor

00:22:32.580 smile.

00:22:33.140 So especially in the beginning of a call or beginning of the interaction, if someone's

00:22:36.420 like, oh, it's so great to see you.

00:22:38.340 I try to think of what is one thing I could say verbally that will give me warmth.

00:22:43.360 So some, a warm word, happy to see you.

00:22:45.980 So great to be here.

00:22:47.320 Oh my goodness.

00:22:48.140 It's so nice to finally give you a hug in person, whatever those words are.

00:22:51.380 And pairing it with a slow savor smile, that is like a bonus points in the charisma scale

00:22:59.120 because it aligns our verbal and our non-verbal and we love it.

00:23:03.260 We're going to take a quick break for your words from our sponsors.

00:23:07.260 And now back to the show.

00:23:09.540 All right, let's talk about situations that require more power or competent social cues.

00:23:14.280 And you, I love this, you use the JFK-Richard-Nixon debate as a way to highlight the power of power

00:23:23.180 cues.

00:23:23.660 So what can we learn from that debate on how to utilize power cues?

00:23:27.480 So that debate, so Nixon versus Kennedy, it was a very interesting point in our history.

00:23:31.700 And from a nonverbal perspective, it was the first time where people realized there was

00:23:35.520 something happening with our cues.

00:23:38.020 During this time, part of the population watched the debate on television.

00:23:41.520 Part of the population listened to the debate on the radio.

00:23:44.620 What was fascinating is this is the first time in U.S. history where there was a discrepancy

00:23:48.940 between the winners or in the perceived winners.

00:23:51.820 So everyone who watched the debate was sure that Kennedy won.

00:23:56.160 Everyone who listened to the debate was sure that Nixon won.

00:23:59.760 And when you analyze just the first 30 seconds of this debate, and I highly recommend go on

00:24:04.460 YouTube, search it, it's up for free.

00:24:06.460 If you watch the first 30 seconds of the debate, you will see Nixon gives away,

00:24:09.700 nonverbally, all of his power.

00:24:11.920 First, he immediately looks over at Kennedy and the moderator.

00:24:15.780 And as humans, we are very attuned to gaze cues.

00:24:18.740 We want to follow other people's gaze.

00:24:20.940 They're telling us what's interesting.

00:24:22.400 So I think that while Nixon was trying to be polite, he actually gave away all of his

00:24:25.840 power in the first three seconds of the debate by looking over at Kennedy.

00:24:29.680 It literally told the audience, don't look at me, look at Kennedy.

00:24:32.760 He also was not fronting, right?

00:24:34.400 So he took away that, so fronting is our toes, our torso and our head.

00:24:39.120 He took away fronting from us, which subtly makes the audience feel disrespected.

00:24:43.680 The second thing that he immediately does, he grips the side of his chair.

00:24:47.960 You can actually see he's white knuckling.

00:24:50.020 I don't know if he did this because he was nervous or he was trying to still himself.

00:24:54.300 But when we see that white knuckle grip, it makes us think, ah, they're closed.

00:24:59.640 They're nervous.

00:25:00.820 The fist evolutionary, from an evolutionary perspective, is our most protective gesture.

00:25:05.080 When we're angry, we tend to clench our fists because it's our most powerful weapon against

00:25:10.340 someone else.

00:25:11.100 So that white knuckle made him look angry.

00:25:13.200 It made him look closed.

00:25:14.740 And interestingly, if you watch the very first few seconds, he's in what's called a runner's

00:25:19.700 stance.

00:25:20.220 He has his knee pulled back.

00:25:22.940 And some interesting historical fact is he had injured his knee on the campaign trail

00:25:28.220 a week earlier.

00:25:29.220 So I think he was actually nursing his injured knee.

00:25:32.560 But what happened was, is because if you think about a runner about to take off on a race,

00:25:36.940 on the starting block, they have one leg back.

00:25:39.360 This is a universal readiness position.

00:25:42.060 When someone is about to run away or flee, they instinctively go into this position.

00:25:46.880 Well, we don't like leaders who are about to run away from us.

00:25:50.220 And so in this one little snapshot, we see a clenched fist, someone not fronting with

00:25:56.180 us and literally looking like they're about to run for their lives.

00:25:59.680 And then Kennedy, the complete opposite.

00:26:01.880 He was looking at the camera, looking at the audience, just look cool, calm and collected

00:26:06.260 like he was in charge.

00:26:08.180 He was not only calm, he was broad.

00:26:10.560 So I think there's a little bit of a myth I would love to bust if we can.

00:26:15.060 You know, power posing had a moment in like 2010 where it was like every show, everyone

00:26:19.780 was power posing.

00:26:20.940 I love a power pose.

00:26:22.440 It's very high power, high competence, but it's also socially aggressive.

00:26:27.080 So you're not going to walk into your meetings with your hands above your head.

00:26:29.800 What power really looks like is what Kennedy looked like in the first, second of this debate.

00:26:34.720 Nice and relaxed shoulders, a maximized distance.

00:26:38.020 This is the weirdest distance, but it's incredibly important for perceived confidence.

00:26:42.580 The distance between your earlobe and your shoulder.

00:26:46.260 Really highly competent people, they maximize this distance because their shoulders are down

00:26:50.260 and relaxed and their head is held high.

00:26:52.380 When people are not confident, you see this distance shrink.

00:26:55.260 They turtle their head down, they pull their ears up, their shoulders up towards their

00:26:59.480 ears, they hunch their shoulders in.

00:27:02.120 And so he had that distance maximized.

00:27:04.260 He was nice and relaxed and it made us want to catch that calm confidence.

00:27:10.400 Oh, he also did a nod in the first 30 seconds.

00:27:13.280 When he was introduced, he gives a very subtle, calm nod.

00:27:17.260 So he balanced out that competence with the perfect warmth cue.

00:27:21.000 So mentioned some power cues there.

00:27:22.440 Don't be scrunched up, be relaxed, be big.

00:27:25.260 Be open.

00:27:25.900 Doesn't mean you have to put your hands up in the air and do the power pose, but just

00:27:28.860 powerful people take up space and they're comfortable taking up space around them.

00:27:33.840 Some other interesting ones that you talked about in the book that I thought were interesting

00:27:36.740 was the steeple fingers.

00:27:38.860 And I think on the cover of your book, you're doing the steeple fingers, correct?

00:27:43.660 That cover was, we argued a lot about that cover.

00:27:46.540 We ended up with me doing a steeple.

00:27:48.240 Yes, a steeple is if you want to try this with me.

00:27:50.940 Actually, there's an interesting loop here.

00:27:52.240 I'm curious.

00:27:52.660 So if you're listening, put the tips of your fingers together into like a little church

00:27:57.160 steeple.

00:27:57.700 Don't press your palms together.

00:27:58.880 Leave space between your hands and just hold it for a second.

00:28:02.520 This position should actually make you feel quite calm and collected.

00:28:05.880 It's kind of like a power pose for your hands.

00:28:09.460 The reason for this is because when our hands are open and relaxed, especially if our palms

00:28:13.840 are open and showing, right?

00:28:15.160 You can still see our palms when we steeple and our fingers are together.

00:28:18.560 It's as if we're thinking, oh, I am calm, cool, and collected.

00:28:25.100 And so that steeple gesture is, you'll notice it on Shark Tank.

00:28:28.260 Kevin O'Leary loves to do it.

00:28:30.240 Political leaders have been taught to do it.

00:28:32.060 Now, I always say with cues, you have to try them on.

00:28:36.140 There's 96 cues in the book, right?

00:28:38.220 Some cues are going to feel great.

00:28:40.360 You're going to be like, oh, I already do that.

00:28:42.120 Yes.

00:28:42.800 Amazing.

00:28:43.280 If you already do one of those cues, fantastic.

00:28:45.300 Some cues you might have to try a couple of times and be like, oh, you know what?

00:28:48.180 This one works for me. 0.86

00:28:49.320 And there's going to be some cues that you'll feel absolutely ridiculous.

00:28:52.020 The steeple is one of those cues.

00:28:53.540 You have to try it on in a couple of different situations.

00:28:56.540 Either you're going to love it and it will be part of your hand gesture repertoire, 0.88

00:28:59.880 or you're going to be like, I feel so silly.

00:29:03.060 Do not do it.

00:29:04.040 If you feel silly, I want you to only use cues that make you feel authentic.

00:29:08.540 So we mentioned charisma cues, so the leaning in the fronting, warmth cues, the head tilt,

00:29:13.040 the head nodding, competence cues, power posture, so that distance between ears and shoulders,

00:29:18.600 the steeple pose.

00:29:19.980 What are some nonverbal cues that people should just avoid so they don't go in that danger,

00:29:24.620 contemptible zone?

00:29:26.080 Oh, yes.

00:29:26.540 This was one of my favorite chapters to write.

00:29:28.240 It was actually the longest chapter.

00:29:30.180 I call these the danger zone cues.

00:29:32.160 And what's interesting about them is they are the nonverbal cues that you both don't

00:29:36.120 want to show, but you also want to watch out for because if you see them, they can be signals,

00:29:42.440 especially of more negative emotions.

00:29:44.460 So fear, shame, anger, disgust.

00:29:47.780 And so not only do you want to avoid showing these, but you also want to make sure that you're

00:29:51.580 on the lookout to make sure if you see them, that means, okay, I got to dig deeper.

00:29:56.220 Or someone might be hiding something.

00:29:58.840 And I'm always careful to say that they're bad.

00:30:01.540 And the reason for this is because there's also times where you do want to show danger

00:30:05.240 zone cues to shut down a connection.

00:30:07.700 So if someone's challenging you or you don't want to build rapport, you can even save these

00:30:12.480 danger zone cues for, I'm out, I want to set up boundaries, and I don't want to talk to

00:30:17.020 you.

00:30:17.160 So they're very, very powerful cues.

00:30:19.520 So what are some examples of ones that you focus a lot on in the book?

00:30:22.280 So one that I love is called the lip purse.

00:30:25.480 And this is a universal gesture.

00:30:26.780 So when we press our lips together, so if you just want to mash your lips together, like

00:30:30.860 make them into a hard line, can we kind of make that sound?

00:30:34.940 That is a universal withholding gesture.

00:30:37.100 It's as if as humans, when we're trying to keep something in or keep it together or hold

00:30:42.200 back, our mouth presses in to say, don't say that, stop that.

00:30:46.380 And we do this when we're trying to withhold.

00:30:49.600 So this could be something that we're ashamed of, something we're embarrassed of.

00:30:52.300 It could be even a lie or deception.

00:30:54.940 So one of the things we did in our lab, I love this experiment, we played two truths and

00:30:59.420 a lie.

00:30:59.940 You know, that game where you say two true statements about yourself and one lie with

00:31:03.640 hundreds of our participants.

00:31:05.240 And what we had participants do is we had them submit videos of themselves sharing two

00:31:09.620 truths and a lie.

00:31:10.280 And the lip purse was the most common cue that we saw right before or right after the

00:31:16.780 lying statement.

00:31:18.020 The reason for this is because we know as humans that lying gets into trouble, right?

00:31:22.260 We don't like to lie.

00:31:23.480 It makes us feel sort of dirty.

00:31:25.260 And so we noticed that people would say, you know, their true statement, true statement,

00:31:29.840 and then quick lip purse and the lie.

00:31:32.020 It was like their body going, don't say it, don't say it, or don't give anything away.

00:31:36.060 And so a lip purse is a great cue because it lets you know, I have to give this person

00:31:41.980 permission to tell me more.

00:31:43.680 So when I see a lip purse, I'll say, hey, are we good?

00:31:47.300 Do you have any questions for me?

00:31:49.200 Anything I'm not hitting?

00:31:50.360 Does this all make sense?

00:31:51.960 So that's the way that I think when we see a danger zone cue, it gives us an opportunity

00:31:55.820 to just open up the communication more.

00:31:58.580 Okay.

00:31:58.700 So that's a great example of be on the lookout for a cue and someone else that is that

00:32:03.920 what's that?

00:32:04.440 That's the encoding part.

00:32:05.360 It's the decoding part, right?

00:32:07.720 Yes.

00:32:08.880 Okay.

00:32:09.120 So we talked about nonverbal cues.

00:32:10.980 Let's shift over to verbal cues.

00:32:13.220 And you talk about in the book, our voice can convey social cues.

00:32:16.760 How can we use our voice to sound more confident, more warm?

00:32:20.120 So we have so much that we're conveying in our voice.

00:32:22.980 And that's because when we're listening to someone, we are listening for their confidence.

00:32:27.340 We're listening to how open they are.

00:32:29.700 And what research has found is actually we decide how confident someone is within the first

00:32:34.460 hundred milliseconds of hearing them speak.

00:32:36.480 And so one thing that we noticed right away is there's two different cues that we should

00:32:40.500 listen out for, um, for, for vocal power.

00:32:43.480 Um, the first one is up talk or the question inflection.

00:32:46.860 So when we are speaking and we're confident in our words, we use a neutral inflection or a

00:32:53.020 downward inflection.

00:32:53.800 So right now I'm speaking in a neutral inflection.

00:32:55.960 If I'm really powerful about something, I'll sling my words down at the end.

00:32:59.920 So I'll go down my inflection up talk is when we go up at our inflection.

00:33:05.020 It's when we're asking a question.

00:33:06.520 So we'll say, my name is Vanessa.

00:33:08.980 What research has found is that when we accidentally use up talk on a statement, it literally triggers

00:33:15.460 the other person to think they're questioning themselves.

00:33:18.320 Should I question them?

00:33:19.380 So we do tons of sales analyses for companies.

00:33:23.400 And we found that when people get the most pushback or negotiation on their numbers, especially

00:33:28.860 their prices, it's because they deliver their number and up talk.

00:33:31.780 So they'll say, we'd love to have your business.

00:33:33.980 We'd love to work with you.

00:33:35.060 And the price of our service is $5,000.

00:33:39.060 When we ask, you are begging someone to question you.

00:33:42.900 You're begging someone to negotiate with you.

00:33:44.860 So the first thing is making sure on your video calls, in person, in your voicemail,

00:33:49.860 that you are using a neutral or downward inflection, especially on the important statements, your

00:33:54.900 name, your price, advice, timelines.

00:33:59.160 It's critical that that actually triggers confidence because it shows I feel confident.

00:34:03.820 I'm not questioning and neither should you.

00:34:05.480 All right.

00:34:05.660 So avoid the up talk.

00:34:06.660 Another one you talk about is vocal fry as well, right?

00:34:09.180 So vocal fry typically affects women more than men. 0.84

00:34:12.000 They've actually found this in the research that because women want to be perceived as 0.98

00:34:15.380 more likable, typically are seen as higher in warmth.

00:34:18.260 They will use more question inflection as if to say, do you like this statement?

00:34:22.820 So it's actually a questioning in their statement.

00:34:25.060 And they also tend to have vocal fry.

00:34:27.420 Vocal fry is when our voice goes into a kind of wavery.

00:34:32.480 So you hear like it's sizzling bacon in a pan, that kind of wavery.

00:34:36.780 Now, if I were to talk like this in my entire interview, it would drive you crazy.

00:34:40.540 The reason for that is because as humans, we know that if someone's in vocal fry, they're

00:34:45.660 likely vocally anxious.

00:34:47.920 A vocal fry happens when we don't have enough volume.

00:34:50.020 We don't have enough breath and our vocal cords tense.

00:34:52.220 So right now I'm working very hard to keep my vocal power in the lowest end of my range

00:34:57.480 with consistent volume.

00:34:59.280 But now what I'll do for you just so you can hear the difference is I'm going to tighten

00:35:02.160 my vocal cords so you can hear what anxiety sounds like.

00:35:05.300 So when I'm a little bit anxious, I tend to go a little bit higher in my range and I also

00:35:09.600 lose volume and you can hear that I have a lot more vocal fry.

00:35:13.960 And that is because when we are tense, we lose breath and it's hard for our vocal cords

00:35:18.360 to rub together.

00:35:20.080 Now, the moment I relax my vocal cords, ah, sounds so much better.

00:35:24.860 So what we have to be really aware of is the moment you hear yourself go into vocal fry,

00:35:30.480 speak louder.

00:35:31.940 The fastest way to fix vocal fry is to speak up. 0.97

00:35:35.300 The moment we have volume, we add more breath.

00:35:37.580 If you're with someone and they're using vocal fry, ask them, can you speak up?

00:35:41.540 I can't hear you.

00:35:42.760 It is the fastest way to fix vocal fry and also take a deep breath, use the lower end 0.97

00:35:47.460 of your voice, and it makes you feel better.

00:35:49.560 And that felt terrible.

00:35:50.660 Like just doing that little five second demo, it actually makes me feel more anxious, even

00:35:56.860 just doing the vocal fry.

00:35:57.740 You mentioned vocal fry is more common with women, but I've been hearing a lot more dudes 1.00

00:36:04.100 with vocal fries.

00:36:05.580 I think it's becoming more common with men.

00:36:08.020 So I think that's something everyone should be aware of and avoid if you want to sound

00:36:11.580 more powerful.

00:36:12.880 Same thing with Uptalk, avoid that.

00:36:15.580 Another thing we already mentioned is the guy who uses, let's call them power pauses,

00:36:22.100 right?

00:36:22.380 That's another thing you do to sound more powerful.

00:36:24.180 It's, you know, you take up space conversationally by being silent.

00:36:30.080 And a pause doesn't have to be long.

00:36:32.300 Actually, the perfect pause, they measured it, is about a half of a second.

00:36:36.120 So it's just enough time to take a breath in.

00:36:38.920 And this works, right?

00:36:40.080 We think, okay, if someone is willing to take a breath, they feel confident that I'm not

00:36:44.380 going to interrupt them.

00:36:45.100 And it also keeps our vocal power low.

00:36:46.780 So a mistake that can happen is when we're anxious, we speak faster, which makes us not

00:36:51.740 pause, which makes us sound less conversationally confident.

00:36:55.580 It makes us run out of breath.

00:36:57.200 And so you'll notice that people hit vocal fry at the end of their sentence.

00:37:01.640 And that's because they're trying to get it all in.

00:37:03.660 So they speak really fast.

00:37:04.420 They don't pause at all.

00:37:05.040 And then by the end of their sentence, they don't have any breath left.

00:37:06.660 It's third and vocal fry.

00:37:09.080 So pausing is like a double punch where it allows you to take a deep breath.

00:37:13.800 And also it prevents vocal fry at the end.

00:37:17.600 Really, really charismatic people.

00:37:19.460 We coded TED Talks in our lab and we found that the most charismatic people use pausing

00:37:25.740 to create drama in their sentences.

00:37:28.780 So they'll say, today I have a really big idea.

00:37:33.340 I'm going to share it with three different ways that are going to change your life.

00:37:39.340 All right.

00:37:39.460 Like that's that TED Talk speak.

00:37:41.040 Like there's a reason we like it is because it's actually the pausing is creating drama

00:37:46.260 in a really good way.

00:37:47.640 What can we do with our voice to sound more warm?

00:37:50.940 So warmth is, this is actually, you always want to pair vocal warmth with verbal warmth.

00:37:56.320 What I mean by this is it's really easy to add vocal warmth when you're talking about

00:38:00.100 things that make you feel warm.

00:38:01.700 So especially the first 10 seconds of interaction, are you happy to be there?

00:38:06.160 Are you happy to collaborate?

00:38:07.220 Is it a good morning for the team?

00:38:09.020 I think the biggest enemy of vocal warmth is we go accidentally negative.

00:38:13.980 So we're starting a call or we're hopping into a meeting and we say, oh, I'm so sorry.

00:38:19.320 I'm late.

00:38:20.100 The traffic was terrible.

00:38:21.980 Oh my gosh.

00:38:22.580 It's so hot.

00:38:23.420 It's so cold.

00:38:24.560 It's been so busy, right?

00:38:26.440 When you do that, you can hear my vocal tone also goes more negative and we don't like

00:38:31.920 hearing negativity.

00:38:33.500 So what you're better off doing is what is something positive you can say in the first

00:38:36.900 10 seconds that you can match with vocal warmth.

00:38:39.520 Your voice can smile and that sounds crazy, but I'll do two demos for you.

00:38:45.380 So I'll do a hello.

00:38:46.480 Just one word.

00:38:47.280 This is your vocal first impression.

00:38:48.800 We found in our lab that people could hear the happy hello.

00:38:51.760 So which one sounds happier to you?

00:38:54.760 Hello?

00:38:56.320 Hello?

00:38:57.540 Second one.

00:38:58.400 Second one.

00:38:59.060 Yeah.

00:38:59.540 Yeah.

00:38:59.800 And we can hear that happiness.

00:39:01.460 So if you compare it with a verbal happiness, it makes it more authentic.

00:39:04.900 Okay.

00:39:05.080 So that's a weird, so smile when you say, like when you answer the phone, smile when you

00:39:08.960 say hello.

00:39:10.140 Yes.

00:39:10.420 And deliver whatever that good thing is that you were ready to give, you know, oh, I'm

00:39:13.940 so happy to be here.

00:39:14.600 Wow.

00:39:14.840 It's such a beautiful day.

00:39:15.860 I've been looking forward to this all week.

00:39:17.420 It's so much easier to naturally smile and it actually changes the way your voice sounds.

00:39:21.020 And I'm going to let people in.

00:39:23.620 Vanessa did this when we first got on.

00:39:25.800 She did that. 0.99

00:39:26.460 She was, you could tell she was smiling and she brought in that warm stuff and it worked.

00:39:31.240 I was like, man, I want to talk to this person.

00:39:32.600 Can't wait to talk to her.

00:39:34.120 And I had thought about before our call, I was like, oh my gosh, I have to tell him that

00:39:38.080 my favorite Art of Manliness article, I can't wait to tell him.

00:39:41.300 And so I was waiting with that good piece of news, which made it super easy for me to smile.

00:39:46.620 And your favorite article was our, the generational cycles article that we wrote a long time ago.

00:39:51.840 The cyclical history of men is the single best article on the internet.

00:39:55.680 I literally send it out every two to three weeks.

00:39:58.340 And if you have not read it, you must go read it.

00:40:00.160 It's fascinating.

00:40:01.040 Well, thank you so much for that.

00:40:02.180 I really appreciate that.

00:40:03.540 So let's talk about imagery cues.

00:40:05.520 All right.

00:40:05.640 So we talked about our voice, the words we can use can make us feel more warm.

00:40:09.120 Uh, what are some ways that we can use our image to appear more competent or more warm?

00:40:15.840 So imagery cues are really important because they typically create neural maps.

00:40:20.440 And what I mean by this is one single prop color image pin can trigger all kinds of feelings.

00:40:28.660 So I always like to use dating profiles as an example.

00:40:31.500 This is the easiest way to think about it.

00:40:33.340 If you are skimming through dating profiles and someone is holding a snowboard that might

00:40:38.560 activate a whole series of other feelings for you.

00:40:41.620 If you like snowboards, adventure, vacation, fun memories with your family.

00:40:46.940 If you don't like snowboarding, it triggers a whole different set of things, cold, hurting,

00:40:53.260 falling.

00:40:54.200 And so we use imagery already subconsciously, but I want to make it more conscious.

00:40:58.500 Where in your profile pictures, what you're wearing, what's on your desk, what's in your

00:41:03.020 zoom background, all of those things are triggering neural maps for people.

00:41:07.980 You want to make sure they're triggering the right things.

00:41:10.120 What are some things that, you know, guys can do in particular to think about how they

00:41:13.640 dress?

00:41:14.240 I think a lot of guys are, well, how you dress is so superficial, but in your research and

00:41:18.660 in your coaching, easy things that guys can think about in terms of dress that can up

00:41:23.160 their competence or their warmth.

00:41:25.100 Yes.

00:41:25.340 So for dress specifically, you always want to think about where you fit in.

00:41:30.460 So this can be with dating or even interviews.

00:41:33.120 You want to dress for the company you want to work at.

00:41:35.920 You want to dress for how you want to dress on your ideal date.

00:41:39.260 For example, if your ideal date is, you know, hanging out with a picnic in the park, you don't

00:41:45.440 want to be in a button down, even though other people might like that because that's not actually

00:41:49.120 your ideal date.

00:41:49.900 You actually better off being in a more casual, your favorite t-shirt, your favorite jeans, because

00:41:54.680 it's going to trigger the right neural maps to the right people.

00:41:58.140 I do not believe in appealing to everyone.

00:42:00.100 I believe in appealing to the right people.

00:42:02.600 So if your ideal partner is the kind of person who would want to do a picnic and dress more

00:42:06.780 casually, I would rather you trigger a positive neural map for them.

00:42:10.720 So what's your ideal date?

00:42:12.260 What's your ideal meeting?

00:42:13.520 Is it online?

00:42:14.680 Is it casual?

00:42:15.300 Is it a business suit?

00:42:16.420 Is it a button down?

00:42:17.780 Dress for your ideal.

00:42:19.020 That's going to turn on the right people and turn off the wrong people.

00:42:22.640 That makes sense.

00:42:23.500 Yeah.

00:42:23.660 If you wear a suit, you might get somebody that they've wanted like fancy stuff all the

00:42:27.620 time.

00:42:27.780 That's actually not you.

00:42:28.700 And you found yourself in like, I'm in a conundrum here.

00:42:30.780 I'll give you another very kind of, this happens in a lot of ways, not just like, you

00:42:34.260 know, the basics of formal and not formal, you know, politicians in the United States

00:42:38.060 are known to wear pins, flag pins.

00:42:40.820 So a flag pin is a symbol for certain people that they love.

00:42:45.000 It's also an ornament or a symbol of certain people they do not love.

00:42:48.200 And so even when you think about those kinds of things, like wearing a pin on your lapel

00:42:51.980 or not, what does that pin say?

00:42:54.160 I want you to think about what are the other pins in your life?

00:42:56.820 They could be images in your profile.

00:42:58.860 They could be things in your background.

00:43:01.060 All of those things are going to either be allergies for people you don't want or attractors 0.90

00:43:07.000 for people you do want.

00:43:08.440 I like that.

00:43:09.260 Well, Vanessa, this has been a great conversation.

00:43:11.000 Where can people go to learn more about the book and your work?

00:43:13.120 Oh my goodness.

00:43:13.820 Thank you so much.

00:43:14.700 Cues is wherever books are sold.

00:43:16.760 I also record the Audible and that we have a lot of fun with that.

00:43:19.440 So if you prefer audio books, and then of course, my website is scienceofpeople.com.

00:43:23.580 We have a ton of free videos of cues, nonverbal cues.

00:43:26.880 I break down the rock and so many fun people, Princess Diana, Justin Bieber.

00:43:31.440 So if you want to see some of the cues in action, you can also waste many, many hours

00:43:34.780 on our website if you'd like.

00:43:36.500 Great.

00:43:36.660 Well, Vanessa Van Edwards, thank you for your time.

00:43:37.960 It's been a pleasure.

00:43:38.780 Thank you so much for having me.

00:43:40.480 My guest today was Vanessa Van Edwards.

00:43:41.900 She's the author of the book, Cues.

00:43:43.440 It's available on amazon.com and bookstores everywhere.

00:43:45.420 You find more information about our work at our website, scienceofpeople.com.

00:43:49.060 Also check out our show notes at aom.is slash charismacues, where you find links to resources,

00:43:53.140 where you delve deeper into this topic.

00:43:57.540 Well, that wraps up another edition of the AOM podcast.

00:44:00.220 Make sure to check out our website at artofmanliness.com, where you find our podcast archives, as well

00:44:03.900 as thousands of articles written over the years about pretty much anything you think

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00:44:28.400 As always, thank you for the continued support.

00:44:30.000 Until next time, it's Brett McKay.

00:44:31.460 Remind you on the list of the AOM podcast, put what you've heard into action.

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The Art of Manliness - September 28, 2022

The Cues That Make You Charismatic

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