The Art of Manliness - Throw a 2-Hour Cocktail Party That Can Change Your Life

00:00:00.000 brett mckay here and welcome to another edition of the art of manliness podcast

00:00:10.920 when nick gray moved to new york city he was a shy introvert with few friends but he wanted to

00:00:16.000 build up his social network so he started throwing cocktail parties to meet people

00:00:19.500 these parties changed his life and he thinks they can change yours too nick knows what you're

00:00:24.520 thinking you don't throw parties and hosting them is simply not for you but he would encourage you

00:00:29.820 not to tune out he's got a great case for why you should give this idea a try and just as he does

00:00:34.940 in his book the two-hour cocktail party how to build big relationships with small gatherings

00:00:39.700 nick is going to lay out exactly how to throw a party that's low stakes and low effort

00:00:44.320 will be highly successful in helping you build all kinds of connections today on the show nick

00:00:49.800 shares what he's learned from throwing hundreds of parties and refining his hosting technique to a tea

00:00:53.700 he explains why cocktail parties are better than dinner parties and don't have to involve actual

00:00:58.140 cocktails the best night of the week to throw a party why the party should be only two hours long

00:01:03.060 and have a firm in time how many people to invite and who to invite when you don't yet have any

00:01:08.080 friends and he explains why he's a big fan of two things you might be hesitant about name tags and

00:01:13.300 icebreakers and why two of his favorite things to include in a party are grapes and a harmonica

00:01:18.420 after the show's over check out our show notes at aom.is slash party

00:01:22.460 all right nick gray welcome to the show thanks excited to talk about parties yes you got a book

00:01:42.900 called the two-hour cocktail party how to build big relationships with small gatherings so you wrote

00:01:47.820 this book but you came after you started experimenting with hosting parties how did it change your life

00:01:52.820 like what happened to you professionally and personally once you started having these cocktail

00:01:56.680 parties on the regular i'll start with the biggest benefit is that professionally it helped me launch

00:02:01.600 a multi-million dollar business called museum hack i don't say that to brag but just to say like

00:02:06.260 there are real benefits to learning to host these gatherings and i built that business based on

00:02:12.960 having a you know warm list of people who knew that they knew me they knew that i did good stuff by

00:02:19.980 hosting these parties that i ran a well-run event so professionally i launched this business

00:02:26.220 personally i got invited to more events i became someone who got introduced to people because of these

00:02:34.680 events and this is one of the number one benefits that new hosts will tell me i'm now getting

00:02:40.260 introduced to people i never used to get introduced to people oh you got to meet brett he hosts these

00:02:46.600 awesome events like that became a part of my life and i guess i take it for granted now that i'm

00:02:52.500 constantly being email introduced or i get on a text thread or at a party or i'm out somewhere and

00:02:59.080 someone's like oh dude you got to meet nick he hosts these events that never used to happen to me

00:03:03.300 yeah so i just get invited to neat events i meet really cool people and then i've built some of my

00:03:09.100 best friends those relationships that i've built have come out of them first coming to my parties that

00:03:15.660 was the first step because i believe that big relationships always start at the acquaintance

00:03:21.040 level so yeah yeah and i imagine it's just you felt good too like i mean i know when i go to a

00:03:26.140 good events where i'm mingling with people like the after effects like i feel really i feel good

00:03:30.120 afterwards i feel happy yeah yeah somebody asked me look i gotta say somebody asked me like oh

00:03:36.360 your parties that was an amazing party did you have fun and i'll be honest i wouldn't say that my

00:03:43.520 parties i don't know maybe i shouldn't say this because people are gonna hate it but i wouldn't say

00:03:47.780 that i have fun at my parties that's not the reason that i do it i am so happy afterwards because

00:03:55.500 i've hosted a good event and people absolutely love it but it is not fun does that make sense is

00:04:02.940 there like a difference yeah yeah it's not like i mean it's not yeah i would say like when you host a

00:04:06.960 party i you feel tired and it can be exhausting but like you do feel good like you feel good because

00:04:13.240 you got to rub shoulders with people and like you're able to bring people together and that feels

00:04:17.660 it's satisfying super satisfying it's super satisfying and yeah folks that i talk to because

00:04:24.960 i'm very lucky i get to talk to people who read my book and one of the things i say is call me the

00:04:28.880 day afterwards i want to hear how your party went and they say like that was amazing i've never hosted

00:04:33.700 a party and so they're very happy and fulfilled and they have this feeling here's the key thing

00:04:38.160 you feel like you unlock a key life skill that nobody has ever taught us how to host a good event like

00:04:47.080 nobody's taught us how to make friends as adults and this is one of those things that like riding

00:04:53.180 a bike or learning how to juggle once you learn you're like oh yeah great i got it yeah that's a

00:04:58.720 good point i think a lot of people who might be listening to this they're not party throwers and

00:05:02.180 you're trying to sell them on throwing parties one of the selling points is if you want to make more

00:05:06.200 friends this is an easy i mean you might think well party that's a lot of work we're going to show

00:05:11.600 you actually it's easier than you think the barrier to entry is not as high as you think it is and it

00:05:16.620 like you said you've made your best some of your best friends through these parties yes hugely big

00:05:22.680 big friendships all started at that because i don't know you tell me what you think about this

00:05:27.380 i think if you want to meet interesting people you have to do interesting things and an easy hack to be

00:05:34.020 someone who does interesting things is to host a party now everyone wants to know someone who brings

00:05:41.140 people together and what i found was all that it takes is a simple two-hour gathering in the time

00:05:47.100 it takes you to watch a netflix movie or something you can gather 15 to 20 people and it just might

00:05:52.100 change your life it did for me i sound like i'm like a commercial or a multi-level marketing scheme

00:05:57.160 but i'm so red-pilled on the benefits of hosting these gatherings so okay let's talk about the parties

00:06:03.140 in general why did you choose parties like a cocktail party over a dinner party so i use that phrase

00:06:09.720 cocktail party because it represents a lightweight social gathering but you could call this whatever

00:06:15.460 you want a happy hour a gathering i like the phrase cocktail party because you say it to somebody and

00:06:22.140 they immediately know oh this is a low commitment i'll meet a lot of people it'll just be conversations

00:06:28.860 and as long as that phrase cocktail party has existed it's kind of always been about the people

00:06:34.800 there's not a single drink recipe in my book i don't even drink alcohol myself you don't have

00:06:39.840 to serve alcohol but i found that cocktail parties got me 80 of the results of a dinner party

00:06:47.240 with 20 of the work and i can talk a little bit about why you should not host a dinner party

00:06:54.280 but many entrepreneurs and online advice are like start a mastermind group or host a dinner party

00:07:01.400 for other business owners i actually don't think that's the best advice for somebody just getting

00:07:06.660 started i actually think it hurts more than it helps why is that dinner parties require an extremely

00:07:12.400 advanced level of facilitation and hosting skills they're also very stressful people have dietary

00:07:20.120 preferences you have to manage the food the hack by the way is that if you want if you insist on hosting

00:07:25.700 a dinner party just order thai food like order a bunch of options let people eat family style

00:07:32.380 but i found at least so let's say for example i'm trying to tightly curate a dinner of six people

00:07:38.880 by the way more than six people and the dinner party conversation will naturally bifurcate into two groups

00:07:45.920 i don't like that i want it to be mono track and having something like a jeffersonian dinner with 10

00:07:52.640 people on a mono single conversation requires extremely advanced facilitation skills and my book is

00:08:00.600 really about just trying to convince a new generation of people hey if you've never hosted before or if

00:08:06.060 the most you would host is on your birthday party or at a major life event consider how hosting can

00:08:12.140 become a habit that you do once every other month to build up this network of acquaintances

00:08:17.660 and i like too the idea of the cocktail party because even if you don't drink everyone knows

00:08:22.060 when they they picture cocktail party they probably picture at least i do 1950s uh people you know

00:08:28.480 dudes in suits women in nice dresses but they're out just like at someone's house and they have a drink

00:08:34.600 in their hand and they're just chatting and i love that idea because it's so low commitment you're

00:08:38.480 just going to show up and you're going to talk and the drinks are just something to give your hands to

00:08:43.240 do while you're doing that basically and i think today oftentimes i think when people think they want

00:08:48.280 to get people together it's got to be some kind of big event you got to have like you know it's got

00:08:52.220 to be elaborate and whatever and so people end up just not doing anything so i think bringing back

00:08:56.800 this idea of the cocktail party is a great way to get people together more often you said it much

00:09:02.720 better than i did which is that it's just conversation a cocktail party is lightweight

00:09:07.460 conversation a lot of people standing around usually at somebody's home the drinks are the crutch

00:09:12.880 but they're there and it's easy you can pop in if you don't like it you can leave after 30 minutes

00:09:17.720 think about what what it's like when you invite somebody to an event if i ask somebody to come over

00:09:23.620 for dinner i gotta be honest that is a very intimate large commitment that requires you know probably two

00:09:32.480 to three hours of a dedicated schedule block i really need to like somebody to say yes to a dinner

00:09:38.920 party the key thing is a cocktail party is easy to say yes to it's easy for somebody to say yes to

00:09:46.980 and i found that at the beginning for someone to be successful in hosting and making friends and

00:09:52.820 building their network of acquaintances the number one indicator of success for their first party is

00:09:58.260 how many people show up all right let's start talking about planning these parties we're going to

00:10:02.740 call it a cocktail party you don't have to serve alcohol necessarily but it's just the the mental

00:10:07.340 model we're using to help people understand like oh we're just coming together to talk how far in

00:10:12.180 advance should you plan a cocktail party you need three weeks to plan your party minimum and again the

00:10:21.000 reason for that is i really want new hosts to be successful and i found that three weeks gives you

00:10:26.240 enough time to first get the five yeses from your core group and then to cast a wider net and get 10

00:10:33.080 more yeses your goal is to get 15 people and when you give yourself three weeks i found that is a very

00:10:39.500 healthy amount of time to fill up your guest list in one or two weeks and then yeah just kind of have

00:10:46.480 the next week to sit and simmer send your reminder messages buy the supplies clean your house you really

00:10:54.040 don't have to overly clean your house that's one of the biggest myths is that you have to have a

00:10:58.800 perfect home and perfect condition shape location and there's not a lot of supplies either it's under

00:11:04.040 a hundred dollars but three weeks is about for more advanced people two weeks but one of the biggest

00:11:09.140 mistakes is it's monday and someone plans a party for friday there's so much wrong with that well one of

00:11:15.520 the things wrong with that is okay first off it's short not enough time but you don't like people

00:11:20.560 having cocktail parties on fridays or the weekends why is that friday and saturday nights at least where

00:11:27.160 i live are socially competitive days socially competitive days of the week mean that you will

00:11:33.020 get bumped other things will come up people are busy they have things on their calendar i suggest

00:11:39.800 instead of these red level days to host on an easy day like a monday a tuesday or a wednesday night

00:11:46.620 those are the three nights that i like and by the way the whole thing is two hours and so you're not

00:11:52.340 like staying up till midnight on tuesday night and everybody has to work the party is generally two

00:11:56.900 hours long 7 to 9 p.m approximately monday tuesday wednesday nights are easier to say yes to you get less

00:12:04.560 of a flake rate that's the people that say they'll come but don't and i think it's just non-traditional

00:12:11.120 it's a little bit different it also signifies that a monday night is not a crazy blackout boozer

00:12:17.960 drink-a-thon like this is a social event it is not about the drinking or the quote partying to the

00:12:24.640 extreme all right so you mentioned the the title of the book is the two-hour cocktail party you've put

00:12:29.000 a hard limit on the party just two hours why the two-hour limit one of the biggest mistakes people

00:12:35.100 make is not setting an end time to their events that causes slippage in what time people show up

00:12:42.580 it causes an extended awkward zone the awkward zone happens at every party even the ones i still throw

00:12:50.080 it's the first 10 15 20 minutes of an event when you haven't reached critical mass in the room when

00:12:57.280 there's only a couple people who've shown up at a party when you set a two-hour limit people will

00:13:04.020 show up on time number one that's very important number two it goes back to making it easy for

00:13:09.820 people to say yes when they know this is only a two-hour party that's easy it's a small space in

00:13:16.280 their calendar i also find that when you end things on a high note when you end things that are going well

00:13:23.080 people think more highly of your event and then of you so i like to end my party when things are going

00:13:30.200 well it gets people to be willing to come back they say nice things about my parties i also think

00:13:36.420 two hours i don't know i have a short attention span two hours is good yeah and the other thing too i like

00:13:40.780 about the limit the hard limit the hard end time is that we've all been in those parties where you're

00:13:45.580 ready to go but you know there was no end times like well am i am i obligated to stay you can

00:13:51.920 once it's nine o'clock you're like all right i'm out and no one's gonna say anything because that's

00:13:56.440 what time the party was over dude i want to talk about that for a second because there is this

00:14:01.400 feeling when you're at a party and you know when you kind of want to leave but like you don't want

00:14:07.360 to be a vibe kill you don't want to be the guy that's like just ruining the vibe right yeah right

00:14:11.960 and when you give your guests the excuse to leave now you don't have to end the party exactly at two

00:14:18.240 hours but you need to make an announcement say hey everybody party was scheduled to end right now

00:14:22.180 thank you so much for coming if you need to leave i just want to say thank you

00:14:25.580 for everybody else we can do a last call start to wind down your conversations thank you for coming

00:14:30.340 and i'll see you guys in a few minutes when you give them that exit that release people are

00:14:36.160 surprisingly thankful for it for those who have to go they're so thankful hey thank you for running a

00:14:41.200 good event i really appreciated that you ended your party on time you will be shocked and surprised

00:14:46.280 how often that comment happens after you host a two-hour party well the other benefit of the two-hour

00:14:51.340 party that i just thought of the reason one of the reasons why you probably get more yeses is

00:14:55.440 because if you're a parent and you got to find a babysitter it's hard to find you can actually ask

00:15:00.840 that 17 year old to babysit your kids like hey i'm going to be home at nine o'clock instead of this

00:15:05.940 well i don't know when it's going to be over it could be 10 or 11 on a school night well you're not

00:15:10.940 going to find a babysitter right right and thinking about that by the way for those listeners who have

00:15:17.000 kids that are wondering how do i host this party with kids we could riff on that but one thing i have

00:15:22.160 found is that if you have kids if a lot of your friends have kids a key unlock a key hack whatever

00:15:29.820 word you want to say is to hire a babysitter to provide child care at your party if you are able

00:15:36.660 to allows it to be even easier for your friends with kids to say yes now maybe it's not doable for

00:15:44.540 you to hire the child care for your party then what you want to do is host a simultaneous

00:15:50.160 kid's party in another room of the house i have a article on my website that speaks about how to

00:15:57.760 throw a simultaneous kid's party to play a movie to get some snacks for them what to do to make that

00:16:04.280 a success and allow those parents to have adult conversations what we don't want is for the kids

00:16:09.740 to be running around the house it serves as a conversational crutch for the parents and they

00:16:14.380 don't actually get to build those adult relationships that are so important that's a good point i've been to

00:16:19.500 events where it's you know kids and parents mingling together which you know some of those can be fine

00:16:25.260 right that's fine i i there's a i like those things but there's sometimes we just want the adult

00:16:29.860 conversation and then yeah you see the parents like the kids will interrupt and the parents got oh i gotta

00:16:34.780 attend to what jimmy and it just it it throws the conversation off or or the or the parents will

00:16:40.600 you know invite their kids i think they're being well-meaning and well-intended they'll invite like you

00:16:45.360 know their 12 year old 13 year old to the adult conversation and it completely changes what you're

00:16:50.840 able to talk about because there's a kid there yes one thing that i have heard is that if you are

00:16:58.140 hosting a children's birthday party if you are hosting a birthday party for one of your kids

00:17:03.600 consider using some things from my book such as name tags for the adults when we have these birthday

00:17:11.620 parties for our kids and all the adults show up that is a missed opportunity for the adults to meet

00:17:16.660 new people and make new friends and i will almost guarantee you that they will not know each other's

00:17:22.120 names at those events you'll say them but it's oftentimes forgotten a little name tag can make a lot

00:17:27.760 of difference to helping adults make new friends and make connections even at a kid's birthday party

00:17:32.460 yeah we'll talk about the name tags that's really interesting okay so let's talk about we talk about when to

00:17:37.000 plan these things monday tuesday and wednesday nights are best you want to set a hard two-hour limit

00:17:41.780 because it just increases the the opt-in for it and plus it just people like that it's short and they

00:17:46.760 know when they can be finished with it let's talk about where to host these things where should you host

00:17:51.120 your party for 95 of people that are listening to this the best place to host is at your home

00:17:58.020 your house is key to building these relationships and creating connections now in certain situations

00:18:07.340 the house is not viable but i'm going to tell you why your home is best even if you think it's too

00:18:13.380 small or it's too far away or it's too messy first the why when you host at home it's kind of a

00:18:21.840 vulnerable act to invite someone into your home and yet it creates this connection that's almost

00:18:28.120 like going on a little date with someone it's so vulnerable to be welcomed into someone's home

00:18:34.400 that you turbo charge the relationship imagine meeting somebody at a bar and the difference in

00:18:41.040 meeting them at the bar or going to their home you get to come into their personal space which is so

00:18:48.920 different and unique and it just doesn't happen that often

00:18:52.560 hosting at home is also incredibly generous it's the difference of having to wait and handle a bar tab

00:19:00.180 when people are having to buy their own drinks and things like that that is not generous and i believe

00:19:05.760 that to build relationships you have to give before you can ask and the fact that you're giving them

00:19:11.700 drinks and snacks when they come up to your home that's very nice hosting at home is also nice because

00:19:16.640 you get to control who's there everybody is there that you have invited hosting at home you can

00:19:21.840 control the music the lighting you are in charge you are the leader when it's at your home okay so

00:19:28.220 that's the why you you mentioned a lot of people have there's some pushback why do people say well

00:19:32.520 i want to do this but i don't want to do it my house what are the common reasons

00:19:35.820 as i'm recording this i'm in new york city i live in austin texas in both places i have very small

00:19:43.940 apartments and people say i have a tiny apartment a tiny house i cannot host people i don't have

00:19:51.200 enough chairs well number one you don't want chairs if you have a large house you want to remove the

00:19:57.640 chairs because sitting down is actually kryptonite to a successful event when people sit down they

00:20:04.420 become locked in conversations they become a bit lazy and it's harder for people to approach

00:20:09.880 and join those conversations so at my parties i actually want people standing much more often

00:20:15.860 than sitting down a small space actually the energy is way better a small space is actually better than

00:20:23.520 an enormous mansion for a party because in a small space you have that energy and excitement

00:20:29.440 that feels more like a crowded bar it doesn't feel empty and big and ghostly like a huge mansion

00:20:36.460 some people say oh my house is way too far away i'm in greenpoint new york i'm in such and such place

00:20:44.180 that's 30 minutes drive what i say to that is don't make the decision for your friends as to whether

00:20:51.660 they will drive or not test it out invite your core group you will be surprised that people will be

00:20:57.940 willing to come to you even if it's 30 or 35 minutes away people will come for a cocktail party it is so

00:21:05.280 hard to meet new people what you are doing is special you and your home is enough of an excuse

00:21:11.900 to make this a special night for your friends to come join you the last thing i hear from people oh

00:21:17.240 my house is too messy you know i've got kids i'm not the cleanest person i'll tell you what i do i'm very

00:21:24.700 messy i have junk all over my house and i take a couple large plastic bins or some old amazon boxes

00:21:32.600 and i kind of just clear off the countertops and put all the junk in the boxes and hide it in my closet

00:21:38.020 i will stack things on my bed in my room and just close that room off and i tell you of many years

00:21:45.040 hosting hundreds of parties nobody has ever barged into my room or my closet and said hey here's where

00:21:50.780 he's storing all the junk let's go everybody we're leaving this party to start a rival house party

00:21:56.260 nobody says that nobody's gonna be peeking around for your junk host your party at home it will

00:22:02.360 completely turbocharge how you can build these relationships so for the people who are saying

00:22:07.620 oh my place is too small to host a party here's an insight from henry david thoreau so we all know he

00:22:13.280 lived in a cabin he built on walden it was 10 feet wide by 15 feet long and this is what he had to

00:22:18.760 say about when he had visitors he had people come to his place he said this it is surprising how many

00:22:24.220 great men and women a small house will contain i had 25 or 30 souls with their bodies at once under

00:22:30.720 my roof yet we often parted without being aware that we had come very near to one another so if

00:22:36.440 henry david thoreau could have 30 people in his 10 foot by 15 foot cabin you could probably have

00:22:43.140 7 10 people in your your small apartment you can have 15 to 25 people there's this kid whose name

00:22:50.480 is peter in new york city he hosted a cocktail party his apartment is like the size of two yoga mats

00:22:57.200 and i have a selfie of him and everybody packed in there and they're all smiling there's a guy noah

00:23:03.160 who's on my blog i wrote about he had 29 people in his 400 square foot apartment in chicago you will be

00:23:10.360 surprised when everybody's standing and mixing about yeah so we've talked about where to host it at your

00:23:15.480 home if you can't host it at your place right so there's maybe that five percent that can't do it

00:23:19.200 where do you recommend doing it at if you cannot host at your home here are some places you can

00:23:24.120 host it number one in a common or community space in your apartment or your neighborhood number two

00:23:30.920 at a co-working space i have an article we'll include in show notes about how to host a good

00:23:35.380 event if you're a digital nomad or you have access to a co-working space number three the key thing and

00:23:42.840 the one that will help the most people if you cannot host at your home find a co-host find someone

00:23:50.040 that has a larger space this happens way more often than you think who wants to host they say wow i got

00:23:56.940 this beautiful house but i just never host link up with them now if you do that you need to get them

00:24:03.780 to buy into the elements of my party formula say hey i'm gonna host this but there's some things right

00:24:09.620 there'll be name tags we're going to do some rounds of icebreakers i'm gonna kick people out at the end 1.00

00:24:13.600 get their buy-in for those elements and that can turbo charge having that co-host that is a major

00:24:19.780 major accelerator on your journey all right so we got the date location time for our party set we talked

00:24:28.000 a little bit earlier who you're going to invite so who should you invite to these cocktail parties

00:24:31.860 and like how many people should you be inviting okay so let's start with the number of people how many

00:24:37.260 people you need to have a minimum of 15 people to come to your party here's why 15 is important i

00:24:44.040 have found that anything less than 15 there is not enough energy in the room you don't reach a critical

00:24:51.000 mass for conversational collisions somebody walks into a room of 15 other people and they say wow

00:24:57.220 i'm not going to be able to talk to everybody here like this is kind of exciting if you walk into a

00:25:02.300 room of seven or eight people that is i don't know there's just not enough energy there i have also

00:25:09.120 found surprisingly that the more number of people actually requires less work during the party for you

00:25:16.300 as a host when i have 15 to 20 people i can kind of step aside for a little bit i am still an introvert

00:25:23.460 and i need time to recharge and during my parties i will often sneak into my room and scroll social media

00:25:29.960 for a few minutes just to take a breather and i can do that when there's 15 people when there's less

00:25:35.640 than that i need to babysit people their needs there's just there's a lot more work you have to do

00:25:41.060 as a host to monitor the room and keep people engaged more than 22 the icebreakers take too long

00:25:48.280 the logistics are complicated welcoming people name tags for a first-time host i think 15 to 20

00:25:55.100 is the right amount now to get 15 to 20 you will very likely have to invite a lot more than that

00:26:01.460 in small towns maybe not the case people don't have a lot going on and maybe you can invite 25 and

00:26:08.400 you'll get 15 to 20 to say yes in larger cities where you know maybe your relationships aren't as

00:26:14.100 strong or there's a lot more going on you will have to invite a lot more than that for your first party

00:26:20.880 who should you invite number one it's okay to invite couples so you invite one person ask them

00:26:27.020 to bring their significant other that can double the size of those that attend do not my one piece

00:26:32.920 of advice on what not to do do not reach from the top shelf for this first party say that you know

00:26:39.240 brett and you're like oh my god i really want to impress brett i hardly know him do not invite brett

00:26:44.440 to your first party your first party should be a low stakes affair where you're inviting your

00:26:49.400 friends your neighbors your work colleagues those people that you feel close to and comfortable

00:26:56.080 with that is who you should do for your first party if you're trying to use these parties for

00:27:01.280 business to impress potential clients don't do that on the first party keep it a low stakes no stress

00:27:07.460 affair we also talked earlier about this idea of a core group of invitees so who are these

00:27:12.820 core group of party invitees your core group are people that you feel comfortable around your core

00:27:19.180 group are people that if only those five people showed up you would still have a good event for

00:27:24.000 me that's like my college friends that might be my sister that might be my girlfriend and one of her

00:27:30.880 best friends it might be my neighbor who i know these two guys that are my neighbors and i would invite

00:27:36.400 them because i see them a lot it's not a big lift that's the five people that you feel close to

00:27:42.340 who you know would show up on time you know will maybe laugh at your jokes who who just you can count

00:27:49.420 on and that's what i consider your core group you're going to test whether your party date and time are

00:27:55.160 good by texting your core group a message like hey david i'm thinking of hosting a cocktail party

00:28:00.920 on tuesday night march 14th at my apartment from 7 to 9 p.m if i do it would you come that's the key

00:28:08.920 phrase to your core group and you're not going to plan your party until you get five yeses from

00:28:14.500 that core group yeah the core group's kind of like the the sourdough starter the kombucha starter yes

00:28:19.960 yes yes so after you get this core group these are the five people you know who are going to show up

00:28:24.540 what other sorts of people should you start inviting to get that 15 after your core group you get those

00:28:30.560 five yeses now you want to get 10 great guests these are everybody else at your party they might be

00:28:37.160 the person you worked with at your last job two years ago and you haven't talked to them in a while

00:28:42.280 this might be somebody that you went to high school or college with and you haven't talked to them in a

00:28:46.460 little while might be your neighbors that you don't know as well it might be a friend of a friend that

00:28:51.620 you've been meaning to meet up with a coffee could be somebody at the gym that you see all the time

00:28:55.980 and you say hey i'm hosting a cocktail party with some of my friends on tuesday night use this phrase by

00:29:02.620 the way can i send you the info you don't want to say do you want to come will you come it's not the

00:29:07.700 same as with your core group for a great guest you're going to say can i send you the info and

00:29:12.100 then you're going to send them the little page that you'll create which by the way you have to collect

00:29:16.220 rsvps but that's that wider net of people who you cast more of into the acquaintance and less of a

00:29:22.280 friend and then at a certain point when you've gotten good at the hosting you can start asking those

00:29:27.140 vips to come as well yes and that is the biggest thing that you can use these parties for is to

00:29:32.760 connect with vips if you truly want to build good relationships i think you have to be able to give

00:29:38.860 value first the secret i found is that everybody wants to be invited to a party i've given thousands

00:29:46.360 of party invites and nobody has ever said uh no do not send me the info for this free party that

00:29:53.460 you're hosting with free drinks snacks and interesting people nobody said that yeah and i

00:29:58.060 imagine those vips they're probably getting invited to things all the time and oftentimes they might say

00:30:03.980 no because they're like well it's it's high stakes i'm going to feel proud but if you if you're good

00:30:08.320 at hosting these parties you can present it to them like hey we have this thing on the regular we've

00:30:12.660 got interesting people in our community we'd love to have you if you if you can make it it'd be awesome

00:30:17.300 and they might be more likely to say yes to that one big thing i found is that when i take a picture

00:30:24.700 at my parties i always snap a group photo and in my book it talks about exactly at what time to snap

00:30:32.020 your group photo i think probably about 30 minutes before your party is scheduled to end you would snap

00:30:37.020 a group photo the group photo is helpful number one to follow up with everybody the next morning hey

00:30:42.240 everybody thanks for coming here's our group photo and then number two i use that group photo when i

00:30:47.300 plan my next parties when i invite vips to show them what these parties look like the people who attend

00:30:53.380 it is social proof that this is a good event and so those parties reaching out to the vips the other

00:31:00.420 piece of advice i found is that if you're inviting vips because they are very busy i will invite them to 1.00

00:31:06.880 multiple events and give them i say hey i host these cocktail parties i get together some interesting

00:31:12.700 people as well as my closest friends in the city would you like to come sometime here's my next two

00:31:18.180 and i'll tell them the date and the time of the next two and i found a much higher success ratio in

00:31:23.560 getting people to come when i gave them multiple dates let's say someone wants to start hosting these

00:31:29.180 parties they want to make friends but they don't have friends yet because they're maybe they're new to the

00:31:33.080 city they don't have that core so how do you how do you do that i mean how do you start developing that

00:31:37.880 core group you can start inviting so you can get these things going so if you absolutely have zero

00:31:43.540 friends this is a little bit out of my zone of expertise i can tell you what i have done and what

00:31:50.040 i've worked with people on but i will give the little warning that these parties work best when you have

00:31:57.040 at least five friends five people you know that can be part of that core group if you know absolutely

00:32:02.420 no one you still need to pick a date and time give yourself more more of a party runway so instead

00:32:09.240 of three weeks let's say four weeks you're now going to set that date and time let's say it's a

00:32:14.220 tuesday night from 7 to 9 p.m you are now going to start to go to events in your local town or

00:32:20.620 community a lot of people tell you this this is not new advice but i would say that going to a yoga

00:32:25.640 class a workout class a sports event think about you basically have two opportunities to meet people

00:32:31.580 that's in the five or ten minutes before the yoga class starts and the five or ten minutes after

00:32:36.340 and at each of those interactions you can really only meet one person you're not going to jump around

00:32:42.000 the room inviting tons of people that's just going to look or feel weird in my experience

00:32:45.820 so you can go to events like this you can look up groups around your hobbies you can join a sports team

00:32:52.880 you can go and literally pass out flyers in your neighborhood or slide them under the doors of your

00:32:58.300 a guy named richard in calgary canada did this he moved to a new apartment building literally knew

00:33:05.720 nobody and put up flyers hey i'm hosting a housewarming party he slid them under the doors

00:33:11.080 he put up signs in the common areas and he invited his neighbors to come and that helped him build a core

00:33:17.960 group the other advice i tell people is that like i love diversity at my parties and diversity extends to

00:33:25.800 the occupations i don't mind inviting the barista of the cafe that i go to i don't mind inviting folks

00:33:33.740 that work at the library things like that saying this thing to them hey i just moved to town i'm meeting

00:33:40.860 these interesting people i'm hosting a party just it's hard to make new friends as adults can i send you

00:33:46.200 the information if you are new to town you can lean on that as part of your introductions i'm new to town

00:33:53.820 i'm meeting all these interesting people i'm new to town i'm trying to meet some new people

00:33:58.700 people respect that you have just moved to town why because it's a vote in their favor you have moved

00:34:05.120 to their town you think that their town is the best place that you can possibly live and they will

00:34:10.640 respect and appreciate that that idea that you're new to town do not feel shy to lean into that we're

00:34:16.860 going to take a quick break for your words from our sponsors and now back to the show so you got

00:34:25.340 your people you're going to invite how do you invite them like what's the best way is it a mass message

00:34:29.700 or do you invite people one by one this is so key you have to invite people one-on-one i will say to

00:34:36.700 them hey i'm hosting an event on tuesday night in three weeks can i send you the info i get them to say

00:34:43.980 yes before i invite them to the party why is this important it's a double opt-in introduction i'm

00:34:51.500 getting them to say yes sort of and it boosts the attendance rate i'm trying to sort of make it a

00:34:57.160 little hard for somebody to rsvp to the party because i don't want a large flake ratio i don't

00:35:03.960 want a lot of people who say that they are going to come and then to not show up so how do i invite

00:35:09.240 them say that i knew somebody i hadn't seen them in two or three years from work from my last job

00:35:14.000 i'd send them a message like this i'd say hey john haven't chatted in a while i'm hosting a happy hour

00:35:19.540 here in town at my apartment on this date and time i'm getting together folks i used to work with my

00:35:26.240 neighbors and my friends from sports can i send you the info hope you're well and having a great year i

00:35:32.440 would send out a bunch of little messages like that to gauge the interest once they say yes then you're

00:35:38.220 going to say hey great here's the information please rsvp here and you need to get them to sign

00:35:44.060 up on your little event page i think this is very very important now there's a few platforms that

00:35:51.560 will do free events i don't like using facebook events anymore five years ago i did but now i don't

00:35:57.260 now i use this one tool that's called mixily gen z loves this one called partyful you could use

00:36:04.060 paperless post the important thing is you just want a free simple service that folks can just

00:36:08.280 make their commitment to attend your party it creates a little social contract and then when

00:36:13.360 you display the guest list it also shows social proof that other people will be attending your

00:36:18.380 party yeah that social proof is important before you do the rsvp you want to make sure you're you're

00:36:23.080 that core group you're going to show up because like nothing nothing's a vibe killer then you send

00:36:27.440 out the rsvp and like zero people have checked in that they're going to come yes yes it's like the old

00:36:33.040 days of facebook events where it's like 97 invited three yes and you're like wait a second what's

00:36:39.500 going on with this party so i talk a lot about social proof and i think the reason why is that

00:36:44.960 the purpose of these parties is to meet new people your friends will want to come and be happy that they

00:36:51.480 came because they will meet so many people and the party is structured in a way that there are a lot of

00:36:57.780 little conversations happening that's what makes these parties successful

00:37:01.720 and the other thing you do as the event gets closer with that events page you will actually

00:37:06.880 you like put bios of some of the people who've committed to coming and that can be useful because

00:37:12.040 it allows people who are going to see okay who's going to be here i have an idea who's going to be

00:37:15.740 there but also for the people who have been on the fence maybe they'll see oh wow there's gonna be

00:37:20.840 some cool people there i'm gonna opt in now because i saw that bio on the event page dude the bios are

00:37:26.640 my secret weapon the bios are i use them in my reminder messages by the way you need to send three

00:37:33.520 reminder messages one that's about a week before your party one that's three or four days before your

00:37:40.160 party and the other the morning of your party but these guest bios that you mentioned are brief

00:37:46.720 little anecdotes or summaries or talking points about half or more of all of your guests they could be

00:37:54.440 as simple as jim is my neighbor he has a golden retriever i think he works in tech they could be

00:38:04.080 as detailed as saying like you know brett hosts a podcast ask him about some of his recent guests

00:38:10.300 we met through the internet right they're not long detailed things but they're little blurbs about people

00:38:16.600 that give the attendees conversational access points and i'll tell you why they're important

00:38:21.040 probably half of the people you'll invite could be introverts some of them have social anxiety

00:38:26.940 seeing this list of who is going to be there makes people so excited to attend it gives them the

00:38:34.240 confidence to create these new conversations and like you said if somebody's on the fence it really

00:38:40.500 ensures that they actually will show up and some people might think that the reminders is overkill but

00:38:46.080 as someone who's like i've i've organized events for different things it is not overkill you cannot

00:38:51.120 over communicate because people are getting inundated with all sorts of emails text messages

00:38:56.680 so stuff slips through the cracks and so uh you have to over communicate because chances are they're

00:39:02.760 going to miss maybe one or two of those reminders you said in hundreds of parties that i have hosted i have

00:39:09.580 never had somebody say hey you were spamming me too much with these reminder messages instead i consistently

00:39:17.320 receive over a 90 attendance rate of those that are going to come what's the downside the downside of

00:39:24.680 this is yes maybe you send one too many message but it takes somebody five seconds to move on from an

00:39:29.800 email message the upside is that you show that you are a host who cares in this age of like too cool to

00:39:37.080 care you are showing that you are someone putting thought and effort into the planning of this social

00:39:43.520 experience in this cocktail party happy hour you show that you're a host who cares and people

00:39:49.840 appreciate the heck out of it you're going to be seen as a super connector and people are going to

00:39:54.600 look at your hosting skills like you're a magician when all you did is just host a cocktail party it's

00:39:59.520 amazing i was talking about supplies we kind of mentioned it it's not much uh some cups some drinks

00:40:05.020 uh some snacks and you know like you don't want anything that's warm you have to warm up nuts are

00:40:10.320 great maybe a cheese platter that's it like it's not a hundred bucks max is what you have to spend on

00:40:16.060 these things hundred bucks max the bar by the way is a self-serve bar so you're just going to buy some

00:40:22.040 liquor and some mixers and some non-alcoholic options people love seltzers one thing that i added in

00:40:28.160 the last week of finishing my book to the list of supplies was grapes i would encourage anybody listening

00:40:34.380 that sounds so silly but in all these calls i do with people the next day i always ask what snacks

00:40:39.720 got eaten what snacks didn't get eaten everybody eats the grapes grapes are such a good party snack

00:40:44.880 and that and the harmonica i think are my two things that i'm like that's so weird why include this so

00:40:52.160 let's talk about a few things you mentioned harmonicas we'll talk about that later but first

00:40:56.060 name tags people are gonna think i'm crazy it's all right let's talk about the name tags so you actually

00:41:01.900 you make your guests wear name tags now people might be like wow this is like a cocktail party

00:41:06.900 like grandpa in the 1950s in his right right his coat like suit like he wouldn't be wearing a name

00:41:12.100 tag why do you make your guests wear a name tag i talked to a kid yesterday who's hosting a brunch

00:41:17.020 on sunday and he was like all right i've listened to everything i don't know about the name tags i don't

00:41:22.780 want this to feel too formal i don't know if my friends will be up so i said well what's the purpose

00:41:26.820 of your brunch said well i'm having about 20 people over it's kind of a housewarming

00:41:29.740 i said well do you know everybody's name he said yeah of course i said does everybody else know

00:41:35.160 everybody's name he said oh no no i guess not name tags are important because while you may know

00:41:41.060 everybody's name and know that they know your name they do not know everybody else's names and here's

00:41:47.000 why it's helpful when you have name tags you will show that this is not a party of clicks this is not

00:41:54.400 a click out party with your work friends together your hockey friends together and your neighbors

00:42:01.040 all mixing when we wear a name tag it serves as like a sports uniform that we're all on the same team

00:42:09.760 that this is a safe space to go meet new people it makes it easier you don't have to remember all

00:42:15.660 these different names i'm bad with names and ultimately that's why i started using these name tags

00:42:20.380 but i have found that like this is the one thing name tags make it easier to talk to new people

00:42:28.460 the whole purpose of this party is for your friends to meet other friends remember you have to give

00:42:34.120 before you can ask for anything to build relationships when you do name tags even at house parties

00:42:39.980 it will make it such a conducive environment to create new conversations and make it easier for

00:42:46.760 people just to go up and speak to somebody new yeah it's a good point because i think a lot of

00:42:50.680 conversation when you're starting off with someone you don't know a lot of it's just spent what's

00:42:56.480 your name and then you have to spend all this time this bandwidth in your brain i gotta remember

00:43:00.320 saying their name over okay it's jeff it's jeff it's jeff it's jeff uh and then you're not in the

00:43:04.660 conversation because when it finally turns to you you're like oh my gosh i don't even know what

00:43:07.780 they're talking about because i'm still trying to remember jeff's name here yes i'm i'm so bad with

00:43:12.560 names i went to this one event that was in new york and there was the ceo it was a woman who 0.99

00:43:18.220 started a company multi-million dollar pr firm and she remembered my name she called me from across

00:43:23.400 room nick oh my god it's so good to see you and i was like a deer caught in the headlights i had

00:43:28.900 forgotten her name it was obvious that i had forgotten her name i could have solved it by saying

00:43:34.540 like oh my god it's so good to see you remind me what your name is again but honestly this had been

00:43:38.640 several years that i had casually seen her at social events i was mortified and that could have

00:43:44.880 been solved with a simple name tag and with the name tag um you you actually write the name for

00:43:51.540 your guest when they come in correct like you don't let the guest write their own name why is that

00:43:55.820 yeah yeah it's a small thing and i have a lot of specific preferences for example first names only

00:44:02.220 big block letters i think you should write the name tag when your guests come in it gives you a way

00:44:07.980 to welcome everybody to sort of establish yourself as the party leader it gives you a chance one-on-one

00:44:15.360 when i write the name tags hey what's up what's your name thanks for coming alex alex alex here's

00:44:21.440 your name tag alex go over to the bar see john he'll help you find a drink but thank you so much

00:44:26.440 for coming today it gives me a chance one-on-one to have a connection with every single person who

00:44:31.640 attends gotcha so let's talk about those early moments so you have a start time that you want people

00:44:37.060 to be there on time and the two-hour limit encourages that but there's always gonna be

00:44:41.060 those moments where you just have two three people and it's like you're 10 minutes in that's kind of

00:44:47.920 awkward you're like well what am i supposed to do so how do you handle that awkwardness when there's

00:44:52.600 just a few guests and it's just you and them number one know that this awkward zone happens at every

00:44:58.480 single party i'll give you some tools and tips how to get out of the awkward zone but one know that it

00:45:04.080 happens and that it's normal number two a way to ease the awkward zone is to ask some of those

00:45:10.520 people in your core group to arrive five or ten minutes early okay now even though they are your

00:45:16.600 best friends they will still probably show up late so maybe ask them 15 or 20 minutes to come early

00:45:21.460 but you can ask them to show up early and say hey look i just want some friendly faces around the

00:45:26.420 room when other people start to show up that will help the room feel a little more welcome and

00:45:30.820 comfortable number three what does everybody say when they show up and they're one of the first to

00:45:35.060 arrive they say how can i help well be ready to give them a way that they can help i have a list in

00:45:41.560 my book of things they can do to help but some of those are help me with the coat check this is where

00:45:46.720 people hang up their jackets can you help them help people get a drink john will you help for the

00:45:51.600 first 15 minutes i'll send people over to you to grab a drink you can ask somebody to be the

00:45:57.660 photographer tyler um can you take pictures tonight i always forget to take pictures can

00:46:02.220 you take photos be ready to delegate duties to some of those first arrivals that is a key thing

00:46:08.860 and why because now they'll feel invested in the success of your party some people by the way won't

00:46:14.000 want to help with drinks oh i don't not really that's okay say no problem thanks so much just hang

00:46:19.340 out over here and make yourself comfortable and i'll see you in a few minutes giving people duties and

00:46:24.520 things that they can do at the beginning is helpful and then number four do your first icebreaker

00:46:30.660 when you have about four or five people you're going to lead this first round of icebreakers

00:46:35.820 mostly for you to practice that first icebreaker is just for you to practice because many people have

00:46:42.140 never led an icebreaker before never mind at their home and so you'll lead an icebreaker to help you

00:46:47.220 exit the awkward zone when you have four or five people that first icebreaker by the way you're

00:46:52.960 just going to go around the room hey everybody just say your name say what you do for work and

00:46:57.260 if you have enough time then maybe you'll do one more thing but that's how to exit the awkward zone

00:47:01.320 and manage that first 10 to 20 minutes again however when you host a two-hour cocktail party

00:47:07.480 you will be shocked at how many people show up on time compared to normal parties with no end time

00:47:13.500 when people show up 30 45 minutes even an hour late very common so let's talk about these icebreakers

00:47:19.900 so i think a lot of people they hear icebreakers they think summer camp or they think some corporate

00:47:24.420 retreat and they're like i don't like icebreakers so uh why do you incorporate icebreakers in your

00:47:30.420 party and how are they different from maybe the ones they might have done at some office retreat

00:47:35.000 i think icebreakers get a bad rep because a lot of people do them wrong i hate though say a fun fact

00:47:41.020 about yourself or um two truths and a lie i think about icebreakers as green yellow red level of

00:47:48.540 intensity or vulnerability and many people will start with a red level which is totally wrong

00:47:54.880 they'll ask what was your worst first date what was your first kiss or something like that that's a

00:47:58.940 terrible icebreaker that is terrible i will start my parties with a green level icebreaker now a green

00:48:06.160 level icebreaker an example is what is one of your favorite things to eat for breakfast that may sound 0.92

00:48:12.220 silly or stupid but i promise you having led thousands of icebreakers this works a hundred percent of the 0.96

00:48:18.180 time here's why it is easy to remember it does not require a lot of thought there is minimal judgment 0.99

00:48:26.920 and it ever so slightly expresses something about somebody's personality the answer is also generally

00:48:33.380 very short now some people don't eat breakfast and they can say why they don't eat breakfast that's

00:48:37.900 fine but the breakfast icebreaker is good at the beginning of a party when there's not a lot of

00:48:43.280 rapport built up and you can just share for example mine would be i like scrambled eggs my secret

00:48:49.420 ingredient is coconut oil it really fluffens them up sometimes i'll add spinach to them now note that

00:48:55.860 what i said was what is one of your favorite breakfasts i didn't say what is your absolute

00:49:00.780 favorite thing to eat i just want to know what's one of your go-to's similarly if you were to ask as an

00:49:07.580 icebreaker later on what is your favorite book that's not a good example that's definitive it's

00:49:13.260 subjective and it really will elicit judgment people want to know what's the best book i want

00:49:19.040 to sound smart what's my absolute favorite people freeze up the way to modify that would be to say

00:49:25.060 what is one of your favorite books what is a book you have read recently allow them to pick so they

00:49:31.220 don't feel like they're going to be judged on their favorite gotcha so the icebreakers i mean what are

00:49:36.460 the purpose like why do you do these in the first place why not just let people just start getting

00:49:40.080 together and talking like why why facilitate this yeah i'm sorry i jumped in too much to the logistics

00:49:45.720 let's talk about the why you got to tell people why you're doing the icebreakers and the purpose is that

00:49:51.000 it's a conversational crutch it's an excuse to go up and talk to somebody new but more importantly

00:49:56.180 it's a survey of the room i got tired of going to these events in new york 20 people in the room i don't

00:50:03.220 know who i need to talk to to help my business if i'm trying to network you want people to say a

00:50:08.800 little about themselves are you a parent you probably want to talk to other parents you have a unique life

00:50:14.340 situation are you working on a startup are you hiring you probably want to talk to other people

00:50:19.700 that relate to that an icebreaker serves as a little roll call around the room to know who's there

00:50:26.540 and to inspire some new connections and conversations it also has a secret purpose

00:50:32.100 when you break the room for an icebreaker you bring an end to existing conversations have you ever been

00:50:38.620 at a party and you get trapped in conversation after five minutes you're kind of done talking to

00:50:43.980 this person but you're just not ready to say okay well thank you very much i think i'm ready

00:50:49.160 to go meet some other people no it happened to me once i went to an event and i got stuck talking

00:50:53.900 to this person for the entire thing and i wasn't able to and i i should have been more assertive

00:50:59.100 like i want to go talk to other people but they just kept talking and talking and talking and by

00:51:03.960 that point i that was the only person i talked to dude that happens to all of us that happens to me

00:51:09.360 even and i was hosting an event here in new york city and i had to train a bunch of facilitators

00:51:14.740 and they said how do i leave the conversation after i do the icebreaker what do i leave

00:51:20.120 and i said well i just say something like this hey thank you so much it was really nice to meet you

00:51:24.980 i'm gonna go mix around the room and mingle with some other people and this guy followed up with me

00:51:30.080 the next day he said i never knew that you could say that i thought that you just wait till the

00:51:35.800 conversation dies and the other person leaves or something i never knew that you could end a

00:51:41.020 conversation like that that little thing nobody really teaches us this stuff but the icebreakers

00:51:46.800 does the host this you're kind of helping people with that in the conversation they might be in so

00:51:50.640 you're doing these like every every 30 minutes or so is that right roughly every 25 minutes or so

00:51:56.560 you're gonna do two and a half icebreakers so that first one i call it the half one that's at about

00:52:01.640 let's say your party starts at seven that's at 7 10 or so about 20 minutes later at 7 30 you're

00:52:08.760 gonna do the full the the first big icebreaker with everybody that'll take five or seven minutes

00:52:14.360 about 35 or 40 minutes later you'll do your last icebreaker of the night and that's that that one

00:52:20.960 by the way is your value additive icebreaker should i talk about that one sure yeah how that is and

00:52:26.340 again i think when you're doing these you're having people stand in a circle and you're just going

00:52:30.060 around all right show your name and then answer the question about your favorite breakfast food

00:52:33.540 that's kind of what it looks like and you want them to be fast you don't want to let people talk

00:52:37.000 forever and ever just like you got to be done in 30 seconds you maybe even set that time limit for people

00:52:41.340 dude i'm so glad you mentioned this because you need a sense of urgency when you're running these

00:52:46.660 a good icebreaker is a fast icebreaker and you need to be looking at everybody thanking them oh thank you

00:52:52.800 john let's go to gina next you need to be directing keep the pace going yeah keep the pace going and yes

00:52:59.000 you have to have everybody stand up and get them in a circle hey everybody let's all stand up in a

00:53:03.720 circle real quick i promise this won't be awkward we're gonna do this icebreaker to give you an

00:53:08.200 excuse to meet somebody new i found it so great to meet new people and doing this party that's the

00:53:13.860 reason why i brought you all together bear with me let's go around the circle say your name what you

00:53:18.360 do for work if you don't want to talk about work then you can say how you spend your days or something

00:53:23.120 a hobby that you have well that and also that's what the harmonica is for right that's the to get

00:53:27.960 their attention right you mentioned the harmonica i know i mentioned the harmonica and i hesitate

00:53:32.620 to bring it up because i don't want somebody to totally blow me off but i have found that at a

00:53:39.080 large event with 15 17 people in my apartment i was always yelling above the crowd i turned the music

00:53:45.860 down i'm clanking a glass i'm yelling hey everybody hey quiet quiet quiet and i tried all these different

00:53:53.940 things to get people to be quiet and i don't know how to play the harmonica i'm i don't have a musical

00:53:58.780 hair on my body but i somehow had a harmonica and i just blow a little tone in the harmonica like a

00:54:05.700 whistle but much softer and that noise which is a little calming helps people to quiet down and to

00:54:13.460 be like what is this it's also playful and it's silly i am not going to talk anymore about the

00:54:18.580 harmonica for fear of totally losing people but i have i will swear by it it's in my book i have videos

00:54:25.020 on my website on how to do it it works you got to do it so you mentioned the value add for that last

00:54:29.300 icebreaker what what are you doing there for the value add so the value add icebreaker let me give

00:54:34.740 the three questions i guess i'll start though and say the why you want your last icebreaker for people

00:54:40.860 to get smarter you want them to get ideas or suggestions of things in town or stuff they want

00:54:46.300 to do so that they leave your party feeling smarter okay i don't want to know somebody's worst job

00:54:53.360 they ever had that's not value add a value add icebreaker for me is one of these three number one

00:54:59.480 what is the best piece of media or one of the best pieces of media that you've consumed recently

00:55:05.580 that could be a podcast like the art of manliness that could be a book that you read

00:55:09.740 it could be a movie you watched a show you binged on netflix just what's some good media that you've

00:55:16.980 consumed okay that's great people love to get these recommendations and they're often trying to write

00:55:22.280 them down and they leave with all these good ideas that's number one another one that you could

00:55:26.720 use is what is one of your favorite purchases you've made over the last few months for a hundred

00:55:33.700 dollars or less that could be a kitchen gadget it could be an object or an experience it could be a

00:55:40.180 massage it could be a tour it could be a new you know blender thing you got but people love this one

00:55:46.120 as well they love hearing these types of things and then the last one that i like is what is your

00:55:51.220 favorite city or life hack for the town that we're in say we're in st louis what's your favorite dog

00:55:57.180 park in st louis local business you like to support what's your favorite little thing about this town

00:56:02.580 that we might not know or that you're just passionate about i do these icebreakers by the way for this

00:56:07.500 last one you're going to want to give people about a five minute warning before you do it hey everybody

00:56:13.080 in five minutes we're going to do the last icebreaker of the night the question will be you tell them the

00:56:18.600 question you say grab another refill use the restroom if you need to freshen up we'll do that last icebreaker 0.95

00:56:23.520 in five minutes by the way that's yet another chance for people to end their conversations

00:56:29.520 i'm constantly at the party looking to mix the room up i want to see movement in my parties

00:56:37.000 okay so let's talk you've done the icebreaker the party in time is coming near how do you end a party

00:56:43.840 and why is it important that you end right on time and like what do you do with those people who

00:56:48.360 they can't get the hint they're sort of lingering around let's start with why why do you end the

00:56:53.180 party because like we said you want to finish the party on a high note you want to bring finality

00:56:57.120 you want to be the leader of your event you don't want it naturally just to fizzle out you want to

00:57:02.360 sort of end it with authority and finish it up on a high note how do you do that number one by setting

00:57:08.120 the expectations in the invitations in the rsvp you'll be listing a start time and the end time

00:57:14.440 when people know that there's the end time they know they have an idea you wouldn't surprise people

00:57:19.340 to say hey show up to my party at seven and then suddenly you say that it's ending they'll know when

00:57:24.620 you list the start time and the end time now how do you end the party 15 minutes before the party's

00:57:30.140 scheduled to finish i'll make a little announcement i'll turn down the music i'll say hey everybody

00:57:35.260 party's scheduled to end about 15 minutes i guess this is last call so make a last drink grab some

00:57:41.520 snacks if you want say hey to somebody new or start to wrap up your conversations we'll wind down in

00:57:46.520 about 15 minutes i then we'll you know turn the music back up when the party's scheduled to end i'll

00:57:52.340 turn the music down i'll turn the lights up and i'll make an announcement thank you guys so much for

00:57:56.560 coming the reason that i hosted this party was to bring people together i've met so many interesting

00:58:01.540 people it's hard to stay in touch i hope you got a chance to meet somebody new

00:58:04.980 thank you everybody and i'll see you next time then i kind of just start to clean up and start

00:58:10.840 to tidy and people get the hint and start to make their way out now what you need to be aware of is

00:58:15.700 sometimes someone will be there who hasn't had a chance to talk to you they haven't seen you in

00:58:20.100 years and they'll say something brett oh my god i i didn't get to talk to you all night let's do let's

00:58:26.320 catch up let's sit down and what i will say to them because i'm kind of strict on my stuff i'll say

00:58:31.980 dude i i am so glad you came tonight i would love to catch up i haven't seen you in forever

00:58:36.760 i want to stick to my goals with this and i need to wrap up tonight can i call you tomorrow because

00:58:42.860 i want to stay in touch and i want to see what's up and what's new with you may i call you tomorrow

00:58:46.840 that will get the person to feel seen and they will not feel like you're being dismissive of them

00:58:52.840 one final thing you can do is if people are really having a great time you can plan ahead

00:58:58.720 with a venue that they can go to next you can give them a name of a local restaurant or a bar or

00:59:04.300 something if you live in a town where those things are nearby hey everybody thank you so much for

00:59:08.360 coming tonight folks are gonna keep going next door at beat nick so if you want meet us down at the

00:59:14.860 bar there i'm gonna start to wrap up here because i got my goals to finish on time but if you want to

00:59:19.880 keep chatting i encourage you to go down to beat nick and you can have a drink or a slice of pizza

00:59:24.920 down there that's generally how you wrap up the party so you've successfully had your first party

00:59:30.240 any follow-up you need to do after the party's over like the next day or the next few days i send a

00:59:34.860 simple thank you the next morning where i include the group photo again just keeping it sort of top of

00:59:40.460 mind if people want to follow up or if they forget anything i would note that if you're using these

00:59:45.300 parties to try to build relationships you really only have about 16 hours after your party ends

00:59:52.000 to try to create and deepen that next connection so if i'm trying to connect with somebody i will

00:59:58.380 invite them to my party and that day at the party itself i'll say hey i'd love to get to know you

01:00:03.540 better can we schedule a coffee for sometime later this week or next week or the next morning john

01:00:09.340 thank you for coming last night i'd love to chat more um can i call you later today or tomorrow

01:00:13.800 that is the time when you would make that ask all right within 16 hours if you wait too long it gets

01:00:18.660 cold it gets stale yeah that's not 17 hours i just say the half-life of what somebody owes you kind

01:00:28.440 of after a party life goes on and if you expect to follow up with somebody one week after your party

01:00:33.520 and them to be ultra responsive to your invitation i haven't found that i found that the next

01:00:39.280 morning is a good time for me to follow up next afternoon is fine but if i wait you know two days

01:00:44.440 afterwards life goes on you know folks are busy they have work family friends and i imagine the

01:00:50.020 next thing too besides that follow-up is start planning your next party if possible if you are

01:00:56.440 excited and many people are keep the momentum going and pick your next party date even if it's six to

01:01:03.000 eight weeks out get that date on your calendar why because now you'll have it when you meet

01:01:09.100 somebody interesting you're like hey i'm hosting a cocktail party in six weeks once i get everything

01:01:13.860 together can i send you the info and this is the thing you go through life and you just start

01:01:18.640 collecting interesting people that you get to bring into your world well nick this has been a great

01:01:23.780 conversation where can people go to learn more about the book in your work the name of my book is the

01:01:28.540 two hour cocktail party it's available wherever books are sold online i recorded the audiobook i'm very

01:01:34.640 proud of it and then i have a ton of resources on this website i'll try to include notes in the show

01:01:40.020 notes i'm very big on social media i love posting stories and funny videos so you can check me out i'm

01:01:45.480 at nick gray news n-i-c-k-g-r-a-y news n-e-w-s and i have a really cool friends newsletter oh and if you

01:01:55.040 want to download a executive summary of my book a checklist of 17 things you can do before your next

01:02:01.200 party sign up for a newsletter nickgray.net and you'll get that pdf download right away fantastic

01:02:08.020 well nick gray thanks for your time it's been a pleasure thanks more parties let's do it my guest

01:02:13.220 here is nick gray he's the author of the book the two hour cocktail party it's available on amazon.com

01:02:17.460 you can find more information about his work at his website nickgray.net also check out our show

01:02:21.700 notes at aom.is party where you can find links to resources where we delve deeper into this topic

01:02:25.980 well that wraps up another edition of the aom podcast make sure to check out our website at

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01:03:17.180 podcast but put what you've heard into action

01:03:24.720 podcast but put what you've heard into action

The Art of Manliness - February 22, 2023

Throw a 2-Hour Cocktail Party That Can Change Your Life

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