Why You're So Bad at Giving and Receiving Compliments (And How to Fix That)
Episode Stats
Summary
Chris Littlefield is a speaker and consultant who specializes in employee appreciation. In this episode, we talk about the power of recognition, why we can be stingy in giving compliments, how compliments can go wrong, and how we can offer them more effectively. We then turn to why getting compliments can make you cringe, how people deflect them and how this deflects from relationships and how to get better at receiving compliments graciously.
Transcript
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Brett McKay here, and welcome to another edition of the Art of Manliness podcast.
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Over a decade ago, I remember reading a story that stuck with me.
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I think it was connected to the famous Harvard study on adult development that studied a
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group of men across their lifetimes, but I could no longer find the reference.
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A much beloved doctor, upon his retirement, was given a notebook filled with letters of
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praise and appreciation from his patients. After he received it, he put it up in his
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attic and never opened it or read the letters. I've often thought about this story since
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I first heard it, wondering about what motivated the doctor's behavior and the larger question
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why praise is typically welcomed and makes us feel good, but can also make people feel
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uncomfortable or embarrassed. In today's episode, I take a stab at answering this question with
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Christopher Littlefield, a speaker and consultant who specializes in employee appreciation.
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But first, we talk about the power of recognition, why we can be so stingy in giving compliments,
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how compliments can go wrong, and how we can offer them more effectively. We then turn to why
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getting compliments can make you cringe, how people deflect them, and how this deflection
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affects relationships, and how to get better at receiving compliments graciously.
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After the show's over, check out our show notes at awim.is slash compliments.
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All right, Chris Littlefield, welcome to the show.
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So you are a consultant and an expert in employee appreciation. So you go and train managers and
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bosses on how to show more appreciation to their employees. But also you just talk about
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appreciation in general. This is applicable to your personal life and things like that. And we're
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going to talk about compliments today. So in your experience, what's the power of a compliment in
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both our work lives and our personal lives? I think compliments are the foundation of connection.
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If you think about it, it's kind of the building blocks. Most of our relationships start with a
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compliment, whether it's a smile, whether it's expressing our appreciation, noticing something about
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somebody else, is usually how we start those connections. And they end up forming the foundations
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of maintaining our relationships. I can't remember. I think it was in a book called The Leader Lab,
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where they talked about that we are always hearing people's messages through two different lenses.
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What are they saying? And how do they feel about me? And those positive signals that we're sending to
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people, both in what we compliment and what we express, but also in how we show our appreciation,
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ends up maintaining that relationships. And I think the last piece that we often don't think about is
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compliments are also the most powerful tool we have to turn around a toxic dynamic or a challenging
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Okay. So it builds connection. And then that the ability to turn around a toxic dynamic,
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and I guess good positive feedback is more powerful than negative feedback in causing change. Is that
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Well, I got into doing this work, my background, which you probably won't find if you go and search
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online is in international conflict resolution. So I used to facilitate dialogues between Israelis and
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Palestinians, which has a different context. Now, the time that we're having this conversation
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and used to facilitate cross-border dialogue with folks between Armenia and Azerbaijan. And the reason
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why I shifted into doing work around recognition and appreciation is that I had a two-year toxic
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dynamic with two coworkers in conflict resolution that we couldn't resolve. And when nothing else was
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working, it was a 15-minute recognition activity that turned around that relationship. And that's what
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kind of sparked me on trying to understand why did this work when every other conversation we had
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about our hopes, about our needs, about our fears, using all these techniques, nothing worked. And that
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I think if you're a parent, you've probably seen this dynamic. So, you know, typically when you give
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feedback to your kids, it's whenever they're doing something annoying and you tell them, don't do that.
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Why are you doing that? And they just keep doing the thing that you don't want them to do.
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But I've heard this idea that we need to start catching our kids doing good things.
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And so when you see them do something that is actually good and you want them to do,
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you need to tell them like, hey, I really appreciate how you do that. Or what great job
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picking up your bedroom without anyone telling you to pick it up.
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Yeah. What gets recognized gets repeated. And I think, you know, one thing I want to call out in
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the beginning is I hate trophy culture. And I think there's this perception that it's like
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everybody gets a participation award for showing up and we're recognizing people when they're not
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doing anything. But also what we see and we notice out loud is a thing that people tend to repeat
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afterwards. And I'm sure at some point in time, you've had somebody reference kind of the Gottman
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research out of that. I think it was done in the 80s where they studied couples. And this is probably
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one of the most misquoted studies. But they did a study where they filmed couples for 15 minutes in
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the first year of their marriage. And it was actually talking about a conflict or a difficult
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subject. And that often gets left out when people are talking about this. And then they coded the
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video down to positive and negative interactions, positive interactions like, oh, I'm sorry to
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interrupt you. Or you're right. I do do this sometimes to a smile to negative, like an eye roll or
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are you kidding me kind of thing. And they were able to predict with 92% accuracy, whether they'd be
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married in five years. And it came down to this magic ratio of five positive to each one negative.
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And I think that that ratio in general applies with our kids and their openness to our feedback.
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It applies in our relationships and it applies in our relationships as work as well. And so those
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little signals that we're sending to people all the time, whether it's to our kids of noticing what
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they're doing right, not just saying, good job, good job, great job eating your dinner, good job doing
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this, but really being specific. You know, like I have an eight-year-old daughter and, you know,
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I always noticed like, hey, I noticed out on the soccer field today that you actually were less
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scared today. You really went and you targeted the ball today. And I saw you were really paying
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attention to where you were. And I won't go into this long conversation, but just noticing that,
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or, hey, I noticed that you worked really hard in your homework tonight and you sat through it
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opposed to getting up five times. And I noticed that you're really making an effort. And that
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specificity that shows them what specifically we're seeing, has that person see, hey, they're
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noticing this and they're appreciating what I'm doing. Yeah. I think one thing I've been learning
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more and more as I've gotten older is that everyone is craving, there's like a hunger for affirmation.
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Everyone wants to know that they're noticed and they're appreciated. And I think paying attention
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and letting people know, hey, I noticed what you're doing. It's an act of service.
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100%. And I think, you know, like I said, is that we're looking for those signals and those cues.
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And I think many times, many of us were grown up to, you know, I remember asking people when I was
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doing my research, what were you taught growing up around recognition? Well, if I'm not telling you
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you're doing something wrong, then you're doing it right, but I don't need to tell you you're doing
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something right. Even I was chatting with my mother the other day and she was saying that she told her
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father that, you know, dad, I really love you when he was older. And he goes, we don't need to say it
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to know it, right? There was this idea that we don't need to actually express things, but when we
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don't express them and make them explicit, then many times people are sitting there with an open loop.
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How do they feel about me? Do they care about me? And I don't think we need to be in deep,
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meaningful conversations all the time. That would be exhausting, but it's just sending that message.
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And it may just be like a fist bump. It may just be like, hey, I noticed what you did. I saw that.
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And it just is that kind of, we're looking, we're constantly wondering, am I on the right track? Is
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what I'm doing landing with these other people? Do people appreciate this? Am I doing the right thing?
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Do you feel loved? Do you feel cared for at home? And well, do you feel loved and cared for at work?
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We just don't tend to use that language in the workplace. I read a study that said that people would
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rather get appreciated at work than get a raise. But it seems like bosses are pretty stingy with
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compliments. Why do you think that is? Why do you have to exist as a profession teaching bosses how
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to give compliments? So first, I need to address the money conversation. Because anytime somebody
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will say, it's like, people don't work for the money. They just work for the appreciation. I'm like,
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we'll stop paying them and see if they show up next week. No, of course not. That base needs to be
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there. But I think it's important to understand the difference between feeling compensated and
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fairly compensated and feeling valued. And those are two different experiences. Because I can feel
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fairly compensated, but then not feel valued. Like I had a manager who reached out and somebody in HR
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saying, I think we need to work on recognition organization. And the CEO came to the call and he
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goes, I don't get why our head of marketing, you know, we just gave her an award last month.
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And she still says she doesn't feel appreciated. And it's like, that's because we've got a
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terminology problem where we've collapsed rewards and rewards of recognition. And we need to decouple
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those things. I think people think that if I give a reward, if I give a gift card, if I give a paycheck,
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then I've done my job of recognizing people. And that's oftentimes an outcome of poor messaging from
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HR and also the recognition, and I'm putting air quotes right now, industry that calls their reward
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and award platforms, the recognition program, when really it's a reward or award program. And then
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oftentimes those reward and award programs exist in HR and under compensation and benefits because
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there's money associated with it. So people are left thinking that recognition is an HR thing,
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and it's not their job. And then also they think that when they go to go recognize people,
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they need to fill out this long 17 page nomination process and decide on points and
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all the rest, and they've overcomplicated it. And so they think that that's the recognition thing or
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the recognition box, and they don't think that it's theirs. And this is why I think to this is kind
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of a long answer to your brief question is, we need to first decouple rewards and awards from
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recognition. And so when I explain it, when I'm training managers and organizations is recognition
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as kind of a big theme are the things we do to signal to people that we value who they are and
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what they contribute every day. And then I break recognition down into what I call the inverted
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period of importance with up at the top, because we have like Maslow's hierarchy where you self
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accusation up at the top, but that's really on top of everything else. So really the most important
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thing is appreciating the person, which those day-to-day things we do to signal to people
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we value them. And then there is acknowledging the circumstances. Thanks for coming in when it's
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really cold or really hot outside, or thanks for showing up when we're down staff. I was a jerk the
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other day, and I want you to know that I noticed that and here's what I'm going to do differently.
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And then there's recognizing effort in progress. And these are these messages where we show people
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that we see what they're working on. And then we reward results in award standout results.
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Okay. So I like that. So you're going to, when you do reward someone, it's for results,
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but that day-to-day recognition, it's for just the effort that that person's putting in. Like you
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recognize that, Hey, I see what you're doing. Other people might not see what you're doing,
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but I see what you're doing. And it's important. That's what people are wanting at work.
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100%. And I think one of the challenges, and it's only been made worse in the hybrid,
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and fully remote world is, and I joke, we don't see 98.35%, which is a made up statistic percent of
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what people do every day. Like you have nearly a thousand episodes and none of us listening in
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understand what it takes to be able to do that. And everything that it takes to be able to get
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the interview set up, to do the research, to do the backend of the tech. And that's on top of
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everything that's going on in your personal life as well. And we don't see that. And so many times
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I go, Oh, wow, really great podcast. And it's like, thanks. And it's like, well, yeah, if you only
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knew what it took to be able to make this result or to do this thing that I do every day, whether
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it's being a parent, whether it's being a spouse, whether it's being an employee, whether it's being
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an employee on top of taking care of a sick kid or parent, or just being a parent in general,
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that's what people really want to be recognized and appreciated for.
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Okay. So in our work life, we need to disconnect this idea that awarding somebody for a result,
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that that's the only time we give recognition or give a compliment or appreciation. Appreciation
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is something we can do all the time. It's a process.
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What about like, why do you think we're so stingy giving compliments in our personal lives? Like
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there's nothing, we don't have that problem there in our personal lives where like there's an award
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for being a great mom or great friend. So why do you think we're so stingy? There's like this meme
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I've heard or I've seen where it's like, dudes are talking about like the last time I got a compliment
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was when I was in elementary school. And I still remember that compliment. So people feel like
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they're not getting compliments in their personal lives. So like, why, why do you think we're so stingy
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with that? I don't know about you, but I think that we invest energy and I feel like people
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bring themselves fully to their jobs. You know, there's all this stuff about bring your whole
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self to work and then only bring 10% of you back home to the people that you've made commitments
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to, and they're just going to put up with you. And I think that we at home kind of assume our
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relationships are good. Like I've done the work I've said, I do, or, you know, I bought you flowers
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last week. And so we forget that we need to invest. And I think in every relationship, when we stop
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investing, when we stop expressing those things, then, you know, we sometimes unintentionally neglect
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those relationships. And when we neglect them, then they turn, people become resentful, right?
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Resentment turns into anger and frustration and hurt. And then we end up spending more time
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fighting with each other than we do, you know, building relationships with one another. And I
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think that it's easier to do that at home and let our guard down because we feel safer to do that.
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But then we also neglect the relationships. And we also, when we see people all the time, we think
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that, well, they know how we feel when many times they don't. I've had my wife sometimes say to me,
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can you just give me a compliment today? And the irony, she's saying that to the guy who teaches
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people to give compliments. Because sometimes I'm getting so focused on what I'm doing. And I think
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that stress factor plays in as well as we're doing logistics, we're doing stuff. And I think that's
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why it's good to just make a habit of what's one nice thing I can say today? What's one compliment?
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And then also, I think we get uncomfortable. What if it doesn't land right? What if they
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misinterpret this? What if they take this the wrong way?
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Yeah, I think all of that. I've seen that in my own life. Also, I think we're just keyed in
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on the negative, like that we're just hardwired just to focus on the negative. Going back to kids,
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we're just always focusing on what our kids are doing wrong instead of thinking about what good
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things they're doing. I also think there's like a scarcity. We're kind of stingy because we feel like,
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well, if I compliment this person, it's going to make me less than. Because when you compliment
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someone, you're basically, sometimes you might be saying like, you're better than me at this.
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I think it'd be really hard if you're giving a compliment to someone who
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is in the same domain as you, right? So maybe another public speaker.
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Where it's more similar. Yeah. Okay. So sometimes people don't offer compliments because they don't
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notice the good things people are doing. Or we start to take our relationships for granted. We get
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self-absorbed. Someone might be insecure about giving compliments. Maybe they might feel anxious or
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they feel like recognizing someone else's gifts diminishes themselves. Another reason people might
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not offer compliments is because they have bad associations with complimenting from getting
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badly given compliments. What's going on there? What are some ways giving compliments goes wrong?
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When I was, my original research, I don't think I've mentioned here on the podcast yet,
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is I interviewed 400 people on the subway in Boston. That was my original study. I came back from that
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interaction with my conflict resolution partners. And I was so blown away by this. And so my commute
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to and from work, I was working at Children's Hospital Boston at the time, I interviewed one person
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a day on the subway about their relationship to recognition. And when I asked people what made a
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good compliment, more often they shared what made a bad one. And I think that many of these negative
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ways or manipulative practices that people use around recognition is what also gets in the way of us
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doing it. Because, you know what, that person just complimented me because they want something. I call
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it the butter them up technique, right? I go, Brett, you look really great today. Thank you so much.
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This is awesome. Can I be on your podcast? Or whatever, you know, someone does typically to you.
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You know, where we compliment before we ask for something. Or when we make mistakes,
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admitting the mistake, instead of admitting the mistake, we over compliment to make up for it.
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That, you know, I was a jerk yesterday and saying like, you look great today. Or you buy flowers,
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you know, for your spouse. And I think all of those, you know, kind of break down trust with
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the other person. Because if we're not authentic in our compliments, people don't believe we're
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authentic in other areas of our lives as well. Yeah. I mean, one, I think something that a
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technique or tactic that people use, maybe subconsciously when they're giving a compliment
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to somebody, but they still want to maintain their status, right? Yeah. It's like the backhanded
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compliment, right? So you tell someone like, well, wow, you're not as awkward as you used to be.
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You're, you know, you went to a really good college for a state school. You know, it's like stuff like
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that. You're kind of giving them appreciation, but at the same time, you're kind of still cutting them
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down to size. Yeah. And that wasn't appreciation at all. You know, it's like, that's not actually a
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compliment. That's a jab. Yeah. And I think that's where, when people are really hesitant, because
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we don't know, and we don't know it's authentic, or that was a jab. That wasn't actually a compliment.
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It's like, yeah, you know, you're, you're really good for somebody who's not that good is what
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they're saying, or you're really good, but you're not as good as me. And that tearing people down
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or those humble brags that people do right now, I think make it really complicated. And when it's
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authentic, and I think one of them is that many times adults unwittingly or unintentionally, I think
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is a better term, often use complimenting one person to try to motivate the other or to try to
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pressure the other. It's like, Brett, I, I wish you were just, you know, your, your brother's really
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great. You should be more like him. Yeah. And when we compliment somebody, oh, wow, you did really
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great. And then we're looking over at the other kid, hoping, you know, you're really organized and
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you're really great in school. You know, trying to get the other kid to, to notice that, you know,
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you should be like this too. And that's just manipulative, right? And that nobody, people can
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see through that. Any advice or any tips that you found in your experience on delivering effective
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compliments, either in the workplace or at home? I think being great at recognizing people
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means that you are a person who's always observing. You're looking at what's going on in people's
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lives. What, what do they really value? What do they care about? And I think that's really
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important, but I think the, the elements of a great compliment and I break recognition into two
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different forms. You have standard recognition when we're sharing how, what somebody did impacted us.
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And so when we're doing that, we want to one, of course, it needs to be authentic. Don't just
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recognize somebody because you want something or some hidden intention. People can read through that.
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And I think it's important to let other people know what you see and what you specifically
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appreciate about them and what they did and how it impacted you. You know, one, one day I said to my
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daughter, I go, Alia, I was really proud of you today. And she goes, why, Papa? And I was like,
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oh yeah, I, I knew in my mind what I was proud about, but I didn't let you see. And it was like,
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hey, I was really proud of you out on the field today because you did X, Y, and Z. Okay. Thanks.
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So when you're recognizing somebody, they should never be left with a question in their mind of
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why you're recognizing them and for what. And so to be specific on what you see and, and share that
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and share the impact on you and others. And it may be like, you know, like, Hey Brett, thank you so
00:20:58.460
much for having me on this podcast. I know that, you know, another guest and, and I'm going to be part of
00:21:02.980
a show and maybe you do this and this is just what you do, but having me on makes a huge difference.
00:21:08.720
And it's a huge acknowledgement to me. And I'm really proud to be on it.
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I love it. So first off, pay attention. You got to get outside of your head, pay attention to what
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other people are doing and then be specific. I like that. Cause I've done that before where I
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see someone give a talk. I'm like, oh, great talk. And I was like, I probably should have been
00:21:23.120
more specific and tell what I exactly I liked about the talk, like the delivery or the content or the
00:21:28.420
organization. And the other thing too, I've heard about or a tactic I've used to be effective in
00:21:33.560
giving compliments and recognition is relaying secondhand compliments. For some reason, whenever
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I get a secondhand compliment, when I hear someone say, oh, my, my brother said, oh, he just loves your
00:21:47.400
podcast. Like, wow, that, that makes me feel really good. What do you think's going on there? Why are
00:21:51.480
secondhand compliments? So they feel so great. Because you wouldn't have heard it otherwise. I did this
00:21:57.740
two days ago. So I have a friend who's in university fundraising and, uh, another friend on LinkedIn
00:22:04.120
who I've never actually met in person, but we've talked a couple of times and all the rest. And she
00:22:08.180
did consulting work with that university. And so we were talking about her when our kids were playing
00:22:13.140
the other day with my friend and she was talking about this person, Shauna. And I was like, oh,
00:22:17.260
that's great. I immediately took up, took out LinkedIn. And when you're on your phone, you can record
00:22:22.380
voice messages like, Hey, by the way, I was just talking with Lindsay about you the other day. And she said this,
00:22:26.880
this, this, and that about you. I just wanted to let you know how much she appreciates and values
00:22:31.320
working with you. And she sent me this message saying, thank you so much. And we can do that so
00:22:35.760
easily, you know, sending that message or extending it. And when somebody recognizes us for something
00:22:42.360
that somebody else did, because that's going to happen at some point in time, uh, thank you so much
00:22:46.780
for that great thing you did the other day. And they go, actually, you know what? That wasn't me.
00:22:51.600
That was actually Brett. And next time you see him, make sure you let him know. And next time I see
00:22:56.440
him, I'm going to let him know what you shared. We're going to take a quick break for your words
00:23:00.720
from our sponsors. And now back to the show, something you've done a lot of work on is
00:23:11.100
receiving compliments. And I've noticed this too. You've made this observation that it seems like
00:23:17.340
people have even a harder time accepting a compliment than we have a hard time giving
00:23:22.640
compliments. Sometimes we have even a harder time receiving them. And it's weird because,
00:23:27.260
you know, we say we want more compliments and more affirmation, but then that affirmation and
00:23:32.500
appreciation and recognition and compliments can make us feel uncomfortable. You've done some
00:23:37.820
research on this. How many people report that compliments make them uncomfortable?
00:23:42.120
So I would argue, I don't know how many people are narcissists. Is it like one or 2% of the
00:23:46.760
population? I think other than those folks, I would argue that probably everybody is. But in my
00:23:52.480
research, when I studied this, I got about 70% of people admitted to associating embarrassment or
00:23:59.760
discomfort with recognition. But if I think of, I've probably run workshops for over 20,000 people on
00:24:05.960
six continents now, I would argue that that number is closer to 100%. Not the narcissist because they're
00:24:11.280
never going to think that, but the ones who aren't. Everybody, without even realizing it,
00:24:16.060
like I recognized a senior manager once and I told her my stats that I found that, you know,
00:24:21.220
the number one thing people associate with being recognized, 88% is feeling valued and nearly 70%
00:24:26.340
of people associate embarrassment. And she goes, I have no problem accepting compliments. And her
00:24:29.860
employee was right next to her and goes, you are really good accepting compliments and gave her a
00:24:33.060
compliment on her ability to accept compliments. And her response was, I'm not that good. And so we
00:24:38.280
divert it without even realizing it. And many times it's a knee jerk reaction,
00:24:42.600
but I find that many times the reason why we do this is because, you know, people have manipulated
00:24:48.260
us. People have used the guilt praise technique, the butter them up technique, the sandwich feedback
00:24:53.640
model. And so we're always wondering, is there hidden intention or we disagree with what the person's
00:24:59.840
saying. And so it makes uncomfortable. No one's going to hire me to come into a company to train people
00:25:04.660
to accept compliments, but that's really how we shift people's ability to give them as well.
00:25:10.140
Okay. So people can be uncomfortable with receiving compliments because maybe they're
00:25:15.200
suspicious. Maybe they've had some negative associations around compliments. What about
00:25:20.700
the idea that you hear a lot that when someone is uncomfortable with getting a compliment, it's
00:25:27.340
because they have low self-esteem, right? It's like they feel uncomfortable getting the praise
00:25:33.060
because it jars with their own negative self-perception. Does that explain people's discomfort
00:25:39.000
about being complimented? No, I think that, so in, in, in my research and for one of my HBR articles,
00:25:45.600
I interviewed a guy winch and phenomenal person and check out his work. And you know, one of his
00:25:50.520
lines, which is people with low self-esteem will often be uncomfortable with accepting compliments,
00:25:56.980
but not everybody who's uncomfortable accepting compliments has low self-esteem.
00:26:00.740
That makes sense. What about the element of surprise? Sometimes compliments are unexpected.
00:26:05.520
Can that play a role in why people feel uncomfortable receiving a compliment?
00:26:10.120
There is that element of somebody catches off guard and they say something and we didn't expect that to
00:26:15.160
come out of their mouth. And they noticed something about us that we didn't really think anyone was
00:26:21.720
seeing or noticing. And then that catches us off guard a bit. Wait a second. Uh, am I safe? Or is this
00:26:27.300
person picking on me? Like that person did an eighth grade and was that compliment really had a hidden
00:26:31.640
agenda or something else going on? And so that catching us off guard does, you know, kind of
00:26:36.580
throw us off kilter for a second. And so we freeze for a moment and then we're searching for what's
00:26:41.140
going on here, what's happening. And so that element of surprise does play a factor into it. And then I
00:26:48.100
think it kind of triggers that what's going on in this situation right now. And I notice it for many
00:26:52.760
people, our mind goes, do I agree or do I disagree with what they're saying? Do I agree with their
00:26:58.460
analysis of me? Uh, do I agree with their analysis? Do I think I really am as good as they say? I don't
00:27:03.780
feel that way. And then that knee jerk response often comes out without us even realizing it. We
00:27:10.140
say, Oh, it's nothing. It's no big deal. Uh, it was a team effort to deflect that away because we
00:27:16.660
didn't want that attention or that intention may make us uncomfortable. And sometimes we just need to
00:27:22.520
like pause herself for a second or after we deflect it, say, I'm sorry. Thank you. I appreciate you
00:27:28.720
noticing that. Yeah. I think in the process of deflecting, it gives you a sense of control of
00:27:34.040
the situation again, right? So someone tells you, did a great talk and you think, Oh, well, I didn't
00:27:38.660
think that I feel caught off guard by this. I want to regain control by saying, Oh, actually it was a
00:27:43.680
mess and it wasn't as great as I thought. Yeah. Or, or leveling out their perception. Like we need to
00:27:50.480
fill in the gaps. One thing that I found in my research that kept on coming up is that many times
00:27:56.420
when we're recognized, people are pointing at a result we produced. And in our mind, we're thinking
00:28:02.480
about all the things that we could have done that we didn't do. And I call this the gap trap. It's the
00:28:06.980
gap between the result we had in our mind that we wanted to produce and the actual result we did
00:28:11.440
produce. And so when somebody recognizes us for maybe the 80% we did deliver, we're thinking about
00:28:16.780
the gap between that 80% and that a hundred percent, you know, I could have done the design
00:28:20.820
better. I could have been better prepared. I could have delivered different. I left out these two
00:28:24.320
sections in the talk that nobody knew that I left out that I wanted to share. And we're thinking about
00:28:29.960
that. They don't see that. And so many times the way that we burn ourselves out and we burn out our
00:28:35.480
peoples is we constantly focus on that gap. And we forget that when people are recognizing us,
00:28:40.260
they're sharing and expressing the appreciation of what they did experience. So when I'm recognizing you,
00:28:45.780
I'm sharing how what you did impacted me if I do it right. And I'm not asking you, do you agree or
00:28:51.160
disagree with what I'm sharing? Because I'm sharing my perception with what I feel or the impact you've
00:28:57.740
had if I do it right. And so as the receiver, our job is only to just say, thank you. They're not
00:29:04.980
asking whether we agree or disagree. So you simply just say, thank you and give them the opportunity to
00:29:09.440
give us that gift. What are some common ways we deflect compliments that you've seen?
00:29:13.680
Well, what do you find that you do when somebody compliments you? I'd love to hear.
00:29:18.320
Oh, sure. Oh, you know, it was nothing. It wasn't a big deal. Or it was like, oh, you know, we just
00:29:23.980
worked really, I don't know. That's the kind of, yeah, it wasn't nothing. It was,
00:29:27.620
that's pretty much it. That's one I go to a lot.
00:29:29.560
It's no big deal. It's a team effort. Or like, I think the one that we do without even realizing it
00:29:34.400
is compliment ping pong. It's like, you're great. No, you're great. Have a great flight. You too. And
00:29:39.420
they're not getting on the plane. And it's, we do it because someone gives us something and we feel
00:29:44.060
like we need to give them something back and we need to notice, or it makes us feel good. And we
00:29:47.680
want them to feel good as well. And many times this is, you know, built into our culture as well.
00:29:54.020
Like if you look in Spanish, what's the appropriate response? De nada, which means
00:29:57.860
thing in France, derriere, it's the same thing. And it's many times a cultural training of what's the
00:30:03.720
appropriate way to respond. And it's not wrong to do that, but we can interrupt that by just saying,
00:30:09.520
thank you. It's great to hear that. If one of your reactions to receiving a compliment is to
00:30:14.420
compliment someone back, one thing you do is like compliment the person for them noticing
00:30:19.580
and giving you the compliment. Because I think a lot of people, like we said, a lot of people don't
00:30:24.240
give compliments. A lot of people don't have the gumption to do it, or they're just not paying
00:30:28.980
attention. So I think it is a talent and a skill that should be praised. Like, wow, thank you for
00:30:34.620
noticing what I did there in that speech. A lot of people don't see that. And so thank you for that.
00:30:40.260
Yeah. Like that's another thing you can do. Yeah. And I think that that just strengthens our
00:30:45.240
relationship. Another thing you can do, this is for giving compliments, but keeping in mind that,
00:30:50.500
you know, a lot of people might be uncomfortable with receiving a compliment or appreciation.
00:30:54.600
When you give a compliment, ask a follow-up question. It's like, you know,
00:30:57.720
hey, this dish was fantastic. Where did you get the recipes? Is this a family recipe?
00:31:02.480
And it gives that person an out to kind of talk about that and maybe process the compliment that
00:31:07.440
they received. Yeah. Or move on. You know, some people always ask me about like complimenting
00:31:12.060
strangers. I don't want them to think I'm hitting on them or something like that. And if you're always
00:31:16.400
compliment behavior or, you know, effort, you never have to worry about that, you know? But if you do,
00:31:22.080
it's like you just do and you just walk off. Yeah. You say that there's nothing else going on.
00:31:26.360
Right. And then it's just like, okay, because the signal you're saying is like, hey, I just noticed
00:31:30.000
this and I really appreciate this. Do you recommend complimenting strangers?
00:31:35.300
I do. I think if it's done tactfully. Yeah. And sometimes it's just noticing. And if it's a
00:31:40.360
stranger, like somebody, you know, working at Starbucks and you notice just, wow, thank you.
00:31:46.060
That was just a really warm welcome. And your attitude is infectious. It's really made a difference
00:31:50.880
for me today. Right. Or, you know, like, hey, thanks for pausing. I can tell you were in the
00:31:55.740
middle of something else. And thanks for being present with me to help me figure out what I need
00:31:59.320
to do. Yeah. Thanks for stopping what you're doing. I think if we notice and we pay attention
00:32:04.280
to what people are dealing with and we call that out, it just shows that we're observing
00:32:09.880
and we are intentionally seeing them and what they're doing and how it's impacting us.
00:32:16.380
Okay. So we're uncomfortable with compliments because it might catch us off guard. There's that gap
00:32:22.440
idea. Another dynamic that I've seen is that maybe people are afraid of recognition or compliments
00:32:29.240
or appreciation because they feel like once they get that appreciation, like the stakes are higher,
00:32:35.500
the standards are now higher. Now those people are going to expect that I do that all the time.
00:32:41.180
Do you think that's also going on with our compliment?
00:32:43.060
100%. 100%. And this is why it's so important to train people on how to do this right. Because
00:32:50.740
when we recognize just the result, then that creates the expectation that you're going to
00:32:56.320
produce the result. And as employees, and even as family members, we don't always have control over
00:33:03.240
the results that we produce because there's different things going on. There's pandemics,
00:33:07.980
there's markets, there's things that are going on in the economy that we don't have control over.
00:33:13.960
But what we do have control over is our effort. And that's why it's so important to recognize and
00:33:21.220
appreciate effort and then reward results. And so when we're recognizing people, sharing that
00:33:26.980
appreciation, I really appreciate the effort you put in, or I really appreciate how hard you studied for
00:33:31.680
that test and that you put in all that extra work to really know things and to have things down.
00:33:38.540
So when you took the exam, you got that A or you got that B plus that you got. And so when we
00:33:43.240
recognize effort, not just the results, then it removes that pressure for many people.
00:33:49.460
Just from my own personal observation, it's completely anecdotal. It seems like people who
00:33:53.720
are more free spirited, like the commitment resistant type, you know, just like they're just,
00:33:57.860
they're great people. They're happy go lucky. They often feel the most uncomfortable
00:34:01.500
with compliments because I think there's that pressure of perceived expectations. Like it
00:34:06.660
feels like a constraint on their future behavior. Do you think there's anything to that?
00:34:11.020
Well, and I think that's based, if you look at what is the narrative behind that? It's like,
00:34:15.360
it's like being in your twenties and someone says, I love you, that you're dating and you're like,
00:34:19.480
oh crap, are they expecting to get married? Right? Like, it's like, hey, you're really good at this.
00:34:23.360
Wait, you want me to do this forever, which that's rarely that person's expectation.
00:34:29.520
They're just expressing what they feel and see in that moment. And that doesn't mean that we're
00:34:34.720
tied down and committed because they said that thing. They're just expressing something in the
00:34:40.160
moment. And I think that what creates that expectation is our interpretation of what their
00:34:46.480
compliment means. But if you think about how many interactions and conversations we have throughout
00:34:51.140
our day, somebody saying, I really appreciate what you do, or I really appreciate you doesn't mean
00:34:57.060
that we are tied into this relationship for the rest of our life, or I'm expecting you do that same
00:35:01.200
thing forever. Right? Because if I'm a person who really cares for you as an employee or as a person
00:35:06.400
in my life, I understand that your needs, your goals, your life is ever changing. And a true relationship
00:35:13.820
is supporting you to succeed in work and in our relationship as well. And so that compliment is
00:35:19.340
just a signal that that person's sending. It is not the end result.
00:35:23.060
So we talked about how complimenting people is a way to build connection and foster a relationship.
00:35:30.620
How does deflecting compliments affect relationships?
00:35:35.060
Well, I think part of our relationships are built in the exchange. And if we keep on giving gifts to
00:35:41.800
people, if we keep on reaching out to people, and then they never accept those things, and we never
00:35:47.460
give them opportunity to contribute to us, to notice us, and we don't give an opportunity for
00:35:53.260
them to close that loop, then we break connection. And so I think that when we deflect, we don't give
00:36:00.160
that person an opportunity to contribute. And we don't give that person an opportunity to feel seen
00:36:05.460
and feel connected to us. And so when we do that, we, we end up breaking down our relationships.
00:36:09.720
Well, it's like you said, a compliment is a gift. And just imagine how you'd feel if you gave someone
00:36:14.740
a gift and they're like, meh, I really don't want this. You'd feel bad. And so if someone gives you
00:36:21.340
a compliment instead of rejecting it, like just say, yeah, thank you. I really appreciate what you
00:36:26.880
did because then it makes that other person feel good as well.
00:36:30.660
Yeah. And if you're uncomfortable with it, they'll probably stop after you accept it.
00:36:34.520
And I think it's important, and I don't often mention this much because I'm not a huge fan of
00:36:38.600
kind of putting people into boxes, but you know, you'll have the languages of love or the languages
00:36:42.620
of appreciation. And I think it's important to understand that, you know, this kind of difference
00:36:48.040
between the golden rule and the platinum rule, the golden rule, treat others the way you want to be
00:36:51.740
treated, the platinum rule, treat others the way they want to be treated. And so I think if we
00:36:55.160
notice that people aren't really liking the way that we're recognizing them, we may need to shift that
00:37:00.420
a little bit. If it's more about acts of service, if it's more about quality time. And I think it's
00:37:06.340
important to expand our idea of how we express our appreciation beyond just words to also our
00:37:15.080
actions and how we show up. And by doing that and by saying, Hey, maybe just sitting down next to
00:37:20.260
somebody on the couch and spending a little time. I remember someone saying recently, I really
00:37:23.580
appreciated that my, you know, husband sat down with me for 15 minutes and did a puzzle because I
00:37:28.420
know he doesn't like to do puzzles, but he sat down and did it with me. And then we ended up chatting
00:37:32.760
for an hour that can be more meaningful for somebody than actually expressing our appreciation
00:37:41.500
Right. Yeah. So not everyone appreciates verbal affirmation as much as other people. So, you
00:37:47.600
know, if you're getting to know someone, you, if you notice that they're uncomfortable with
00:37:52.260
receiving compliments, maybe you start shifting to other ways to show appreciation. So that's
00:37:57.420
something we can think about as the giver of compliments, but when we're receiving them,
00:38:02.800
knowing that, you know, deflection can break connection and accepting them well can build
00:38:08.520
connection. Do you have any tips on how to better accept compliments?
00:38:12.160
I mean, I think the simple one is to just say, thank you. Right. It's just the simplest thing is
00:38:17.080
get in the habit. We've established these knee jerk reactions our whole life. And just like if
00:38:21.840
somebody, you know, a door swings towards you, your hand's going to go up. If something comes
00:38:26.340
towards your face, your hands are going to come up to protect because this is a knee jerk reaction
00:38:29.180
that we've established. It's a habit. And so in order to change that habit, I know you've had a
00:38:33.320
lot of amazing people on here who talked about habit change through your multiple episodes.
00:38:38.120
But I think just reminding ourselves and being aware of what do I do? So if somebody recognizes
00:38:43.060
me, just paying attention and noticing how other people respond, try giving compliments to people
00:38:48.620
in the coming days and watch how they respond. And if they divert it, go, did you get the
00:38:52.740
compliment? Did you hear what I just said? Oh, and it will break that reaction. And when we notice
00:38:57.260
ourselves doing it, say, Hey, I'm trying to get a little better at accepting compliments. Thank you.
00:39:01.980
And just practice doing it. And if a bunch of feelings come up, just take a minute to examine
00:39:06.540
those. Hey, why did that make me so uncomfortable? What's going on there? Because that was really kind
00:39:11.860
what they said. And just observe, notice, and then just try to break the habit and just say,
00:39:18.940
thank you. Just say, thank you. Yeah. I think it really helped me is just this idea that the
00:39:24.060
compliment isn't about you. It's really about the giver. Like they're trying to let you know
00:39:29.520
how something you did affected them. And so let them have that, let them have that moment.
00:39:35.260
And that's, that's their judgment. That's their assessment. And that's their gift. When I was,
00:39:39.240
I interviewed, one of my interviews on the train was a musician and he said, my instructor is always,
00:39:45.580
or my mentors always recognizing me about how great I am and how amazing and how much development
00:39:50.820
I've had. And he goes, I don't need it. And I go, well, for her, she's also processing her work.
00:39:59.320
You're her student. She's seen you've developed. She's seen you how, how far you've progressed and
00:40:05.000
give her the opportunity to recognize that work and to see her work in action. She's also processing
00:40:11.840
that. And when people come up to us and they recognize us for something that we do, that is,
00:40:17.400
you know, second nature to us, like, you know, people be like, Oh, great job on that spreadsheet.
00:40:22.380
And you're like, I've been doing this for 20 years. And what they're doing is they're processing
00:40:26.300
their learning. So just recognize that's what they're doing and give them an opportunity to do
00:40:30.880
that. I love that. So I think the takeaway from today is give more compliments and then don't
00:40:36.620
deflect compliments. Just, just accept them as the gift that they are. Yeah. To let them in and know
00:40:42.600
that that's one of the most powerful tools that we have for building relationships. Well, Chris,
00:40:46.900
this has been a great conversation. Where can people go to learn more about your work and what
00:40:49.800
you do? You can find me on YouTube. Just search Christopher Littlefield. You can go to
00:40:55.660
beyondthankyou.com and I'll put some special resources together. If you go to beyondthankyou.com
00:41:01.560
backslash podcast for the show today. Fantastic. Well, Chris Littlefield,
00:41:05.280
thanks for your time. It's been a pleasure. It's been great speaking with you today, Brad.
00:41:09.080
My guest today was Christopher Littlefield. You can find more information about his work at his
00:41:12.060
website, beyondthankyou.com. Also check out our show notes at aom.is slash compliments.
00:41:17.160
We find links to resources. We delve deeper into this topic.
00:41:26.740
Well, that wraps up another edition of the AOM podcast. Make sure to check out our website at
00:41:30.620
artofmanliness.com where you find our podcast archives, as well as thousands of articles that we've
00:41:34.560
written over the years about pretty much anything you think of. And if you haven't done so already,
00:41:38.120
I'd appreciate if you take one minute to give you an Apple podcast or Spotify. It helps out a lot.
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And if you've done that already, thank you. Please consider sharing the show with a friend or
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00:41:48.840
support. Until next time, it's Brett McKay. Remind you to not listen to the AOM podcast,