The Art of Manliness - Why You're So Bad at Giving and Receiving Compliments (And How to Fix That)

00:00:00.000 Brett McKay here, and welcome to another edition of the Art of Manliness podcast.

00:00:11.520 Over a decade ago, I remember reading a story that stuck with me.

00:00:15.100 I think it was connected to the famous Harvard study on adult development that studied a

00:00:18.920 group of men across their lifetimes, but I could no longer find the reference.

00:00:22.640 A much beloved doctor, upon his retirement, was given a notebook filled with letters of

00:00:26.880 praise and appreciation from his patients. After he received it, he put it up in his

00:00:31.140 attic and never opened it or read the letters. I've often thought about this story since

00:00:35.200 I first heard it, wondering about what motivated the doctor's behavior and the larger question

00:00:39.600 why praise is typically welcomed and makes us feel good, but can also make people feel

00:00:43.300 uncomfortable or embarrassed. In today's episode, I take a stab at answering this question with

00:00:48.060 Christopher Littlefield, a speaker and consultant who specializes in employee appreciation.

00:00:52.460 But first, we talk about the power of recognition, why we can be so stingy in giving compliments,

00:00:57.700 how compliments can go wrong, and how we can offer them more effectively. We then turn to why

00:01:02.300 getting compliments can make you cringe, how people deflect them, and how this deflection

00:01:06.080 affects relationships, and how to get better at receiving compliments graciously.

00:01:10.360 After the show's over, check out our show notes at awim.is slash compliments.

00:01:13.540 All right, Chris Littlefield, welcome to the show.

00:01:27.400 Happy to be here. Thanks for having me, Brett.

00:01:28.940 So you are a consultant and an expert in employee appreciation. So you go and train managers and

00:01:35.680 bosses on how to show more appreciation to their employees. But also you just talk about

00:01:40.440 appreciation in general. This is applicable to your personal life and things like that. And we're

00:01:45.260 going to talk about compliments today. So in your experience, what's the power of a compliment in

00:01:50.620 both our work lives and our personal lives? I think compliments are the foundation of connection.

00:01:57.020 If you think about it, it's kind of the building blocks. Most of our relationships start with a

00:02:02.400 compliment, whether it's a smile, whether it's expressing our appreciation, noticing something about

00:02:07.400 somebody else, is usually how we start those connections. And they end up forming the foundations

00:02:13.600 of maintaining our relationships. I can't remember. I think it was in a book called The Leader Lab,

00:02:21.480 where they talked about that we are always hearing people's messages through two different lenses.

00:02:26.680 What are they saying? And how do they feel about me? And those positive signals that we're sending to

00:02:33.140 people, both in what we compliment and what we express, but also in how we show our appreciation,

00:02:38.840 ends up maintaining that relationships. And I think the last piece that we often don't think about is

00:02:45.680 compliments are also the most powerful tool we have to turn around a toxic dynamic or a challenging

00:02:52.300 relationship.

00:02:52.940 Okay. So it builds connection. And then that the ability to turn around a toxic dynamic,

00:02:58.280 and I guess good positive feedback is more powerful than negative feedback in causing change. Is that

00:03:04.360 what you've seen?

00:03:05.780 Well, I got into doing this work, my background, which you probably won't find if you go and search

00:03:11.400 online is in international conflict resolution. So I used to facilitate dialogues between Israelis and

00:03:16.540 Palestinians, which has a different context. Now, the time that we're having this conversation

00:03:20.640 and used to facilitate cross-border dialogue with folks between Armenia and Azerbaijan. And the reason

00:03:27.060 why I shifted into doing work around recognition and appreciation is that I had a two-year toxic

00:03:32.980 dynamic with two coworkers in conflict resolution that we couldn't resolve. And when nothing else was

00:03:39.100 working, it was a 15-minute recognition activity that turned around that relationship. And that's what

00:03:45.920 kind of sparked me on trying to understand why did this work when every other conversation we had

00:03:52.480 about our hopes, about our needs, about our fears, using all these techniques, nothing worked. And that

00:03:57.820 one activity turned around the relationship.

00:04:01.080 I think if you're a parent, you've probably seen this dynamic. So, you know, typically when you give

00:04:05.440 feedback to your kids, it's whenever they're doing something annoying and you tell them, don't do that.

00:04:09.760 Why are you doing that? And they just keep doing the thing that you don't want them to do.

00:04:14.560 But I've heard this idea that we need to start catching our kids doing good things.

00:04:19.400 And so when you see them do something that is actually good and you want them to do,

00:04:23.040 you need to tell them like, hey, I really appreciate how you do that. Or what great job

00:04:26.920 picking up your bedroom without anyone telling you to pick it up.

00:04:31.480 Yeah. What gets recognized gets repeated. And I think, you know, one thing I want to call out in

00:04:36.140 the beginning is I hate trophy culture. And I think there's this perception that it's like

00:04:39.920 everybody gets a participation award for showing up and we're recognizing people when they're not

00:04:44.040 doing anything. But also what we see and we notice out loud is a thing that people tend to repeat

00:04:51.920 afterwards. And I'm sure at some point in time, you've had somebody reference kind of the Gottman

00:04:56.800 research out of that. I think it was done in the 80s where they studied couples. And this is probably

00:05:01.000 one of the most misquoted studies. But they did a study where they filmed couples for 15 minutes in

00:05:06.600 the first year of their marriage. And it was actually talking about a conflict or a difficult

00:05:10.460 subject. And that often gets left out when people are talking about this. And then they coded the

00:05:14.760 video down to positive and negative interactions, positive interactions like, oh, I'm sorry to

00:05:18.900 interrupt you. Or you're right. I do do this sometimes to a smile to negative, like an eye roll or

00:05:25.200 are you kidding me kind of thing. And they were able to predict with 92% accuracy, whether they'd be

00:05:30.720 married in five years. And it came down to this magic ratio of five positive to each one negative.

00:05:36.960 And I think that that ratio in general applies with our kids and their openness to our feedback.

00:05:44.260 It applies in our relationships and it applies in our relationships as work as well. And so those

00:05:50.000 little signals that we're sending to people all the time, whether it's to our kids of noticing what

00:05:54.680 they're doing right, not just saying, good job, good job, great job eating your dinner, good job doing

00:05:59.120 this, but really being specific. You know, like I have an eight-year-old daughter and, you know,

00:06:04.560 I always noticed like, hey, I noticed out on the soccer field today that you actually were less

00:06:11.260 scared today. You really went and you targeted the ball today. And I saw you were really paying

00:06:15.700 attention to where you were. And I won't go into this long conversation, but just noticing that,

00:06:20.500 or, hey, I noticed that you worked really hard in your homework tonight and you sat through it

00:06:24.320 opposed to getting up five times. And I noticed that you're really making an effort. And that

00:06:28.760 specificity that shows them what specifically we're seeing, has that person see, hey, they're

00:06:35.740 noticing this and they're appreciating what I'm doing. Yeah. I think one thing I've been learning

00:06:41.140 more and more as I've gotten older is that everyone is craving, there's like a hunger for affirmation.

00:06:46.700 Everyone wants to know that they're noticed and they're appreciated. And I think paying attention

00:06:53.600 and letting people know, hey, I noticed what you're doing. It's an act of service.

00:06:59.660 100%. And I think, you know, like I said, is that we're looking for those signals and those cues.

00:07:04.240 And I think many times, many of us were grown up to, you know, I remember asking people when I was

00:07:09.860 doing my research, what were you taught growing up around recognition? Well, if I'm not telling you

00:07:13.740 you're doing something wrong, then you're doing it right, but I don't need to tell you you're doing

00:07:16.820 something right. Even I was chatting with my mother the other day and she was saying that she told her

00:07:22.180 father that, you know, dad, I really love you when he was older. And he goes, we don't need to say it

00:07:27.320 to know it, right? There was this idea that we don't need to actually express things, but when we

00:07:33.560 don't express them and make them explicit, then many times people are sitting there with an open loop.

00:07:40.960 How do they feel about me? Do they care about me? And I don't think we need to be in deep,

00:07:45.620 meaningful conversations all the time. That would be exhausting, but it's just sending that message.

00:07:50.580 And it may just be like a fist bump. It may just be like, hey, I noticed what you did. I saw that.

00:07:56.200 And it just is that kind of, we're looking, we're constantly wondering, am I on the right track? Is

00:08:00.720 what I'm doing landing with these other people? Do people appreciate this? Am I doing the right thing?

00:08:05.580 Do you feel loved? Do you feel cared for at home? And well, do you feel loved and cared for at work?

00:08:10.220 We just don't tend to use that language in the workplace. I read a study that said that people would

00:08:16.160 rather get appreciated at work than get a raise. But it seems like bosses are pretty stingy with

00:08:22.700 compliments. Why do you think that is? Why do you have to exist as a profession teaching bosses how

00:08:28.740 to give compliments? So first, I need to address the money conversation. Because anytime somebody

00:08:34.160 will say, it's like, people don't work for the money. They just work for the appreciation. I'm like,

00:08:39.200 we'll stop paying them and see if they show up next week. No, of course not. That base needs to be

00:08:43.980 there. But I think it's important to understand the difference between feeling compensated and

00:08:48.540 fairly compensated and feeling valued. And those are two different experiences. Because I can feel

00:08:53.900 fairly compensated, but then not feel valued. Like I had a manager who reached out and somebody in HR

00:09:01.120 saying, I think we need to work on recognition organization. And the CEO came to the call and he

00:09:05.620 goes, I don't get why our head of marketing, you know, we just gave her an award last month.

00:09:11.100 And she still says she doesn't feel appreciated. And it's like, that's because we've got a

00:09:16.140 terminology problem where we've collapsed rewards and rewards of recognition. And we need to decouple

00:09:20.260 those things. I think people think that if I give a reward, if I give a gift card, if I give a paycheck,

00:09:28.560 then I've done my job of recognizing people. And that's oftentimes an outcome of poor messaging from

00:09:36.400 HR and also the recognition, and I'm putting air quotes right now, industry that calls their reward

00:09:43.160 and award platforms, the recognition program, when really it's a reward or award program. And then

00:09:49.200 oftentimes those reward and award programs exist in HR and under compensation and benefits because

00:09:54.200 there's money associated with it. So people are left thinking that recognition is an HR thing,

00:09:59.140 and it's not their job. And then also they think that when they go to go recognize people,

00:10:03.940 they need to fill out this long 17 page nomination process and decide on points and

00:10:09.440 all the rest, and they've overcomplicated it. And so they think that that's the recognition thing or

00:10:15.080 the recognition box, and they don't think that it's theirs. And this is why I think to this is kind

00:10:21.740 of a long answer to your brief question is, we need to first decouple rewards and awards from

00:10:28.640 recognition. And so when I explain it, when I'm training managers and organizations is recognition

00:10:34.140 as kind of a big theme are the things we do to signal to people that we value who they are and

00:10:39.620 what they contribute every day. And then I break recognition down into what I call the inverted

00:10:44.280 period of importance with up at the top, because we have like Maslow's hierarchy where you self

00:10:49.160 accusation up at the top, but that's really on top of everything else. So really the most important

00:10:55.140 thing is appreciating the person, which those day-to-day things we do to signal to people

00:10:58.900 we value them. And then there is acknowledging the circumstances. Thanks for coming in when it's

00:11:04.620 really cold or really hot outside, or thanks for showing up when we're down staff. I was a jerk the 0.98

00:11:10.340 other day, and I want you to know that I noticed that and here's what I'm going to do differently. 0.99

00:11:13.840 And then there's recognizing effort in progress. And these are these messages where we show people

00:11:20.180 that we see what they're working on. And then we reward results in award standout results.

00:11:26.000 Okay. So I like that. So you're going to, when you do reward someone, it's for results,

00:11:30.820 but that day-to-day recognition, it's for just the effort that that person's putting in. Like you

00:11:36.060 recognize that, Hey, I see what you're doing. Other people might not see what you're doing,

00:11:40.400 but I see what you're doing. And it's important. That's what people are wanting at work.

00:11:44.020 100%. And I think one of the challenges, and it's only been made worse in the hybrid,

00:11:50.180 and fully remote world is, and I joke, we don't see 98.35%, which is a made up statistic percent of 0.96

00:11:57.420 what people do every day. Like you have nearly a thousand episodes and none of us listening in

00:12:05.340 understand what it takes to be able to do that. And everything that it takes to be able to get

00:12:11.540 the interview set up, to do the research, to do the backend of the tech. And that's on top of

00:12:17.320 everything that's going on in your personal life as well. And we don't see that. And so many times

00:12:22.080 I go, Oh, wow, really great podcast. And it's like, thanks. And it's like, well, yeah, if you only

00:12:29.080 knew what it took to be able to make this result or to do this thing that I do every day, whether

00:12:36.040 it's being a parent, whether it's being a spouse, whether it's being an employee, whether it's being

00:12:41.920 an employee on top of taking care of a sick kid or parent, or just being a parent in general,

00:12:47.920 that's what people really want to be recognized and appreciated for.

00:12:51.840 Okay. So in our work life, we need to disconnect this idea that awarding somebody for a result,

00:12:58.040 that that's the only time we give recognition or give a compliment or appreciation. Appreciation

00:13:03.060 is something we can do all the time. It's a process.

00:13:05.720 Every day.

00:13:06.180 What about like, why do you think we're so stingy giving compliments in our personal lives? Like

00:13:11.300 there's nothing, we don't have that problem there in our personal lives where like there's an award

00:13:15.160 for being a great mom or great friend. So why do you think we're so stingy? There's like this meme

00:13:20.920 I've heard or I've seen where it's like, dudes are talking about like the last time I got a compliment

00:13:25.700 was when I was in elementary school. And I still remember that compliment. So people feel like

00:13:31.400 they're not getting compliments in their personal lives. So like, why, why do you think we're so stingy

00:13:34.180 with that? I don't know about you, but I think that we invest energy and I feel like people

00:13:41.540 bring themselves fully to their jobs. You know, there's all this stuff about bring your whole

00:13:45.960 self to work and then only bring 10% of you back home to the people that you've made commitments

00:13:50.860 to, and they're just going to put up with you. And I think that we at home kind of assume our

00:13:58.300 relationships are good. Like I've done the work I've said, I do, or, you know, I bought you flowers

00:14:03.860 last week. And so we forget that we need to invest. And I think in every relationship, when we stop

00:14:11.840 investing, when we stop expressing those things, then, you know, we sometimes unintentionally neglect

00:14:18.120 those relationships. And when we neglect them, then they turn, people become resentful, right?

00:14:23.500 Resentment turns into anger and frustration and hurt. And then we end up spending more time

00:14:28.040 fighting with each other than we do, you know, building relationships with one another. And I

00:14:32.620 think that it's easier to do that at home and let our guard down because we feel safer to do that.

00:14:38.160 But then we also neglect the relationships. And we also, when we see people all the time, we think

00:14:43.620 that, well, they know how we feel when many times they don't. I've had my wife sometimes say to me,

00:14:49.060 can you just give me a compliment today? And the irony, she's saying that to the guy who teaches

00:14:53.080 people to give compliments. Because sometimes I'm getting so focused on what I'm doing. And I think

00:14:58.060 that stress factor plays in as well as we're doing logistics, we're doing stuff. And I think that's

00:15:02.660 why it's good to just make a habit of what's one nice thing I can say today? What's one compliment?

00:15:09.240 And then also, I think we get uncomfortable. What if it doesn't land right? What if they

00:15:13.780 misinterpret this? What if they take this the wrong way?

00:15:17.300 Yeah, I think all of that. I've seen that in my own life. Also, I think we're just keyed in

00:15:22.980 on the negative, like that we're just hardwired just to focus on the negative. Going back to kids,

00:15:27.220 we're just always focusing on what our kids are doing wrong instead of thinking about what good

00:15:30.680 things they're doing. I also think there's like a scarcity. We're kind of stingy because we feel like,

00:15:36.760 well, if I compliment this person, it's going to make me less than. Because when you compliment

00:15:42.440 someone, you're basically, sometimes you might be saying like, you're better than me at this.

00:15:46.020 I think it'd be really hard if you're giving a compliment to someone who

00:15:48.840 is in the same domain as you, right? So maybe another public speaker.

00:15:54.360 Where it's more similar.

00:15:55.440 Where it's more similar. Yeah. Okay. So sometimes people don't offer compliments because they don't

00:16:00.520 notice the good things people are doing. Or we start to take our relationships for granted. We get

00:16:06.680 self-absorbed. Someone might be insecure about giving compliments. Maybe they might feel anxious or

00:16:13.400 they feel like recognizing someone else's gifts diminishes themselves. Another reason people might

00:16:19.780 not offer compliments is because they have bad associations with complimenting from getting

00:16:26.620 badly given compliments. What's going on there? What are some ways giving compliments goes wrong?

00:16:33.040 When I was, my original research, I don't think I've mentioned here on the podcast yet,

00:16:36.940 is I interviewed 400 people on the subway in Boston. That was my original study. I came back from that

00:16:41.500 interaction with my conflict resolution partners. And I was so blown away by this. And so my commute

00:16:47.340 to and from work, I was working at Children's Hospital Boston at the time, I interviewed one person

00:16:51.840 a day on the subway about their relationship to recognition. And when I asked people what made a

00:16:57.220 good compliment, more often they shared what made a bad one. And I think that many of these negative

00:17:03.140 ways or manipulative practices that people use around recognition is what also gets in the way of us

00:17:09.880 doing it. Because, you know what, that person just complimented me because they want something. I call

00:17:15.460 it the butter them up technique, right? I go, Brett, you look really great today. Thank you so much.

00:17:18.920 This is awesome. Can I be on your podcast? Or whatever, you know, someone does typically to you.

00:17:24.440 You know, where we compliment before we ask for something. Or when we make mistakes,

00:17:28.720 admitting the mistake, instead of admitting the mistake, we over compliment to make up for it. 0.98

00:17:34.900 That, you know, I was a jerk yesterday and saying like, you look great today. Or you buy flowers, 0.97

00:17:38.680 you know, for your spouse. And I think all of those, you know, kind of break down trust with

00:17:43.920 the other person. Because if we're not authentic in our compliments, people don't believe we're

00:17:47.520 authentic in other areas of our lives as well. Yeah. I mean, one, I think something that a

00:17:51.320 technique or tactic that people use, maybe subconsciously when they're giving a compliment

00:17:55.080 to somebody, but they still want to maintain their status, right? Yeah. It's like the backhanded

00:18:00.320 compliment, right? So you tell someone like, well, wow, you're not as awkward as you used to be.

00:18:06.460 You're, you know, you went to a really good college for a state school. You know, it's like stuff like

00:18:11.320 that. You're kind of giving them appreciation, but at the same time, you're kind of still cutting them

00:18:14.780 down to size. Yeah. And that wasn't appreciation at all. You know, it's like, that's not actually a

00:18:20.560 compliment. That's a jab. Yeah. And I think that's where, when people are really hesitant, because

00:18:26.020 we don't know, and we don't know it's authentic, or that was a jab. That wasn't actually a compliment.

00:18:31.460 It's like, yeah, you know, you're, you're really good for somebody who's not that good is what

00:18:36.200 they're saying, or you're really good, but you're not as good as me. And that tearing people down

00:18:41.620 or those humble brags that people do right now, I think make it really complicated. And when it's

00:18:47.900 authentic, and I think one of them is that many times adults unwittingly or unintentionally, I think

00:18:53.760 is a better term, often use complimenting one person to try to motivate the other or to try to

00:19:00.600 pressure the other. It's like, Brett, I, I wish you were just, you know, your, your brother's really

00:19:06.300 great. You should be more like him. Yeah. And when we compliment somebody, oh, wow, you did really

00:19:11.060 great. And then we're looking over at the other kid, hoping, you know, you're really organized and

00:19:15.560 you're really great in school. You know, trying to get the other kid to, to notice that, you know,

00:19:20.700 you should be like this too. And that's just manipulative, right? And that nobody, people can

00:19:25.900 see through that. Any advice or any tips that you found in your experience on delivering effective

00:19:31.520 compliments, either in the workplace or at home? I think being great at recognizing people

00:19:39.260 means that you are a person who's always observing. You're looking at what's going on in people's

00:19:46.520 lives. What, what do they really value? What do they care about? And I think that's really

00:19:51.440 important, but I think the, the elements of a great compliment and I break recognition into two

00:19:57.460 different forms. You have standard recognition when we're sharing how, what somebody did impacted us.

00:20:02.900 And so when we're doing that, we want to one, of course, it needs to be authentic. Don't just

00:20:07.460 recognize somebody because you want something or some hidden intention. People can read through that.

00:20:11.040 And I think it's important to let other people know what you see and what you specifically

00:20:18.120 appreciate about them and what they did and how it impacted you. You know, one, one day I said to my

00:20:24.120 daughter, I go, Alia, I was really proud of you today. And she goes, why, Papa? And I was like,

00:20:30.820 oh yeah, I, I knew in my mind what I was proud about, but I didn't let you see. And it was like,

00:20:36.160 hey, I was really proud of you out on the field today because you did X, Y, and Z. Okay. Thanks.

00:20:42.300 So when you're recognizing somebody, they should never be left with a question in their mind of

00:20:47.700 why you're recognizing them and for what. And so to be specific on what you see and, and share that

00:20:53.840 and share the impact on you and others. And it may be like, you know, like, Hey Brett, thank you so

00:20:58.460 much for having me on this podcast. I know that, you know, another guest and, and I'm going to be part of

00:21:02.980 a show and maybe you do this and this is just what you do, but having me on makes a huge difference.

00:21:08.720 And it's a huge acknowledgement to me. And I'm really proud to be on it.

00:21:11.420 I love it. So first off, pay attention. You got to get outside of your head, pay attention to what

00:21:15.400 other people are doing and then be specific. I like that. Cause I've done that before where I

00:21:19.460 see someone give a talk. I'm like, oh, great talk. And I was like, I probably should have been

00:21:23.120 more specific and tell what I exactly I liked about the talk, like the delivery or the content or the

00:21:28.420 organization. And the other thing too, I've heard about or a tactic I've used to be effective in

00:21:33.560 giving compliments and recognition is relaying secondhand compliments. For some reason, whenever

00:21:40.320 I get a secondhand compliment, when I hear someone say, oh, my, my brother said, oh, he just loves your

00:21:47.400 podcast. Like, wow, that, that makes me feel really good. What do you think's going on there? Why are

00:21:51.480 secondhand compliments? So they feel so great. Because you wouldn't have heard it otherwise. I did this

00:21:57.740 two days ago. So I have a friend who's in university fundraising and, uh, another friend on LinkedIn

00:22:04.120 who I've never actually met in person, but we've talked a couple of times and all the rest. And she

00:22:08.180 did consulting work with that university. And so we were talking about her when our kids were playing

00:22:13.140 the other day with my friend and she was talking about this person, Shauna. And I was like, oh,

00:22:17.260 that's great. I immediately took up, took out LinkedIn. And when you're on your phone, you can record

00:22:22.380 voice messages like, Hey, by the way, I was just talking with Lindsay about you the other day. And she said this,

00:22:26.880 this, this, and that about you. I just wanted to let you know how much she appreciates and values

00:22:31.320 working with you. And she sent me this message saying, thank you so much. And we can do that so

00:22:35.760 easily, you know, sending that message or extending it. And when somebody recognizes us for something

00:22:42.360 that somebody else did, because that's going to happen at some point in time, uh, thank you so much

00:22:46.780 for that great thing you did the other day. And they go, actually, you know what? That wasn't me.

00:22:51.600 That was actually Brett. And next time you see him, make sure you let him know. And next time I see

00:22:56.440 him, I'm going to let him know what you shared. We're going to take a quick break for your words

00:23:00.720 from our sponsors. And now back to the show, something you've done a lot of work on is

00:23:11.100 receiving compliments. And I've noticed this too. You've made this observation that it seems like

00:23:17.340 people have even a harder time accepting a compliment than we have a hard time giving

00:23:22.640 compliments. Sometimes we have even a harder time receiving them. And it's weird because,

00:23:27.260 you know, we say we want more compliments and more affirmation, but then that affirmation and

00:23:32.500 appreciation and recognition and compliments can make us feel uncomfortable. You've done some

00:23:37.820 research on this. How many people report that compliments make them uncomfortable?

00:23:42.120 So I would argue, I don't know how many people are narcissists. Is it like one or 2% of the

00:23:46.760 population? I think other than those folks, I would argue that probably everybody is. But in my

00:23:52.480 research, when I studied this, I got about 70% of people admitted to associating embarrassment or

00:23:59.760 discomfort with recognition. But if I think of, I've probably run workshops for over 20,000 people on

00:24:05.960 six continents now, I would argue that that number is closer to 100%. Not the narcissist because they're

00:24:11.280 never going to think that, but the ones who aren't. Everybody, without even realizing it,

00:24:16.060 like I recognized a senior manager once and I told her my stats that I found that, you know,

00:24:21.220 the number one thing people associate with being recognized, 88% is feeling valued and nearly 70%

00:24:26.340 of people associate embarrassment. And she goes, I have no problem accepting compliments. And her

00:24:29.860 employee was right next to her and goes, you are really good accepting compliments and gave her a

00:24:33.060 compliment on her ability to accept compliments. And her response was, I'm not that good. And so we

00:24:38.280 divert it without even realizing it. And many times it's a knee jerk reaction,

00:24:42.600 but I find that many times the reason why we do this is because, you know, people have manipulated

00:24:48.260 us. People have used the guilt praise technique, the butter them up technique, the sandwich feedback

00:24:53.640 model. And so we're always wondering, is there hidden intention or we disagree with what the person's

00:24:59.840 saying. And so it makes uncomfortable. No one's going to hire me to come into a company to train people

00:25:04.660 to accept compliments, but that's really how we shift people's ability to give them as well.

00:25:10.140 Okay. So people can be uncomfortable with receiving compliments because maybe they're

00:25:15.200 suspicious. Maybe they've had some negative associations around compliments. What about

00:25:20.700 the idea that you hear a lot that when someone is uncomfortable with getting a compliment, it's

00:25:27.340 because they have low self-esteem, right? It's like they feel uncomfortable getting the praise

00:25:33.060 because it jars with their own negative self-perception. Does that explain people's discomfort

00:25:39.000 about being complimented? No, I think that, so in, in, in my research and for one of my HBR articles,

00:25:45.600 I interviewed a guy winch and phenomenal person and check out his work. And you know, one of his

00:25:50.520 lines, which is people with low self-esteem will often be uncomfortable with accepting compliments,

00:25:56.980 but not everybody who's uncomfortable accepting compliments has low self-esteem.

00:26:00.740 That makes sense. What about the element of surprise? Sometimes compliments are unexpected.

00:26:05.520 Can that play a role in why people feel uncomfortable receiving a compliment?

00:26:10.120 There is that element of somebody catches off guard and they say something and we didn't expect that to

00:26:15.160 come out of their mouth. And they noticed something about us that we didn't really think anyone was

00:26:21.720 seeing or noticing. And then that catches us off guard a bit. Wait a second. Uh, am I safe? Or is this

00:26:27.300 person picking on me? Like that person did an eighth grade and was that compliment really had a hidden

00:26:31.640 agenda or something else going on? And so that catching us off guard does, you know, kind of

00:26:36.580 throw us off kilter for a second. And so we freeze for a moment and then we're searching for what's

00:26:41.140 going on here, what's happening. And so that element of surprise does play a factor into it. And then I

00:26:48.100 think it kind of triggers that what's going on in this situation right now. And I notice it for many

00:26:52.760 people, our mind goes, do I agree or do I disagree with what they're saying? Do I agree with their

00:26:58.460 analysis of me? Uh, do I agree with their analysis? Do I think I really am as good as they say? I don't

00:27:03.780 feel that way. And then that knee jerk response often comes out without us even realizing it. We

00:27:10.140 say, Oh, it's nothing. It's no big deal. Uh, it was a team effort to deflect that away because we

00:27:16.660 didn't want that attention or that intention may make us uncomfortable. And sometimes we just need to

00:27:22.520 like pause herself for a second or after we deflect it, say, I'm sorry. Thank you. I appreciate you

00:27:28.720 noticing that. Yeah. I think in the process of deflecting, it gives you a sense of control of

00:27:34.040 the situation again, right? So someone tells you, did a great talk and you think, Oh, well, I didn't

00:27:38.660 think that I feel caught off guard by this. I want to regain control by saying, Oh, actually it was a

00:27:43.680 mess and it wasn't as great as I thought. Yeah. Or, or leveling out their perception. Like we need to

00:27:50.480 fill in the gaps. One thing that I found in my research that kept on coming up is that many times

00:27:56.420 when we're recognized, people are pointing at a result we produced. And in our mind, we're thinking

00:28:02.480 about all the things that we could have done that we didn't do. And I call this the gap trap. It's the 0.70

00:28:06.980 gap between the result we had in our mind that we wanted to produce and the actual result we did

00:28:11.440 produce. And so when somebody recognizes us for maybe the 80% we did deliver, we're thinking about

00:28:16.780 the gap between that 80% and that a hundred percent, you know, I could have done the design

00:28:20.820 better. I could have been better prepared. I could have delivered different. I left out these two

00:28:24.320 sections in the talk that nobody knew that I left out that I wanted to share. And we're thinking about

00:28:29.960 that. They don't see that. And so many times the way that we burn ourselves out and we burn out our

00:28:35.480 peoples is we constantly focus on that gap. And we forget that when people are recognizing us,

00:28:40.260 they're sharing and expressing the appreciation of what they did experience. So when I'm recognizing you,

00:28:45.780 I'm sharing how what you did impacted me if I do it right. And I'm not asking you, do you agree or

00:28:51.160 disagree with what I'm sharing? Because I'm sharing my perception with what I feel or the impact you've

00:28:57.740 had if I do it right. And so as the receiver, our job is only to just say, thank you. They're not

00:29:04.980 asking whether we agree or disagree. So you simply just say, thank you and give them the opportunity to

00:29:09.440 give us that gift. What are some common ways we deflect compliments that you've seen?

00:29:13.680 Well, what do you find that you do when somebody compliments you? I'd love to hear.

00:29:18.320 Oh, sure. Oh, you know, it was nothing. It wasn't a big deal. Or it was like, oh, you know, we just

00:29:23.980 worked really, I don't know. That's the kind of, yeah, it wasn't nothing. It was,

00:29:27.620 that's pretty much it. That's one I go to a lot.

00:29:29.560 It's no big deal. It's a team effort. Or like, I think the one that we do without even realizing it

00:29:34.400 is compliment ping pong. It's like, you're great. No, you're great. Have a great flight. You too. And

00:29:39.420 they're not getting on the plane. And it's, we do it because someone gives us something and we feel

00:29:44.060 like we need to give them something back and we need to notice, or it makes us feel good. And we

00:29:47.680 want them to feel good as well. And many times this is, you know, built into our culture as well.

00:29:54.020 Like if you look in Spanish, what's the appropriate response? De nada, which means

00:29:57.860 thing in France, derriere, it's the same thing. And it's many times a cultural training of what's the

00:30:03.720 appropriate way to respond. And it's not wrong to do that, but we can interrupt that by just saying,

00:30:09.520 thank you. It's great to hear that. If one of your reactions to receiving a compliment is to

00:30:14.420 compliment someone back, one thing you do is like compliment the person for them noticing

00:30:19.580 and giving you the compliment. Because I think a lot of people, like we said, a lot of people don't

00:30:24.240 give compliments. A lot of people don't have the gumption to do it, or they're just not paying

00:30:28.980 attention. So I think it is a talent and a skill that should be praised. Like, wow, thank you for

00:30:34.620 noticing what I did there in that speech. A lot of people don't see that. And so thank you for that.

00:30:40.260 Yeah. Like that's another thing you can do. Yeah. And I think that that just strengthens our

00:30:45.240 relationship. Another thing you can do, this is for giving compliments, but keeping in mind that,

00:30:50.500 you know, a lot of people might be uncomfortable with receiving a compliment or appreciation.

00:30:54.600 When you give a compliment, ask a follow-up question. It's like, you know,

00:30:57.720 hey, this dish was fantastic. Where did you get the recipes? Is this a family recipe?

00:31:02.480 And it gives that person an out to kind of talk about that and maybe process the compliment that

00:31:07.440 they received. Yeah. Or move on. You know, some people always ask me about like complimenting

00:31:12.060 strangers. I don't want them to think I'm hitting on them or something like that. And if you're always

00:31:16.400 compliment behavior or, you know, effort, you never have to worry about that, you know? But if you do,

00:31:22.080 it's like you just do and you just walk off. Yeah. You say that there's nothing else going on.

00:31:26.360 Right. And then it's just like, okay, because the signal you're saying is like, hey, I just noticed

00:31:30.000 this and I really appreciate this. Do you recommend complimenting strangers?

00:31:35.300 I do. I think if it's done tactfully. Yeah. And sometimes it's just noticing. And if it's a

00:31:40.360 stranger, like somebody, you know, working at Starbucks and you notice just, wow, thank you.

00:31:46.060 That was just a really warm welcome. And your attitude is infectious. It's really made a difference

00:31:50.880 for me today. Right. Or, you know, like, hey, thanks for pausing. I can tell you were in the

00:31:55.740 middle of something else. And thanks for being present with me to help me figure out what I need

00:31:59.320 to do. Yeah. Thanks for stopping what you're doing. I think if we notice and we pay attention

00:32:04.280 to what people are dealing with and we call that out, it just shows that we're observing

00:32:09.880 and we are intentionally seeing them and what they're doing and how it's impacting us.

00:32:16.380 Okay. So we're uncomfortable with compliments because it might catch us off guard. There's that gap

00:32:22.440 idea. Another dynamic that I've seen is that maybe people are afraid of recognition or compliments

00:32:29.240 or appreciation because they feel like once they get that appreciation, like the stakes are higher,

00:32:35.500 the standards are now higher. Now those people are going to expect that I do that all the time.

00:32:41.180 Do you think that's also going on with our compliment?

00:32:43.060 100%. 100%. And this is why it's so important to train people on how to do this right. Because

00:32:50.740 when we recognize just the result, then that creates the expectation that you're going to

00:32:56.320 produce the result. And as employees, and even as family members, we don't always have control over

00:33:03.240 the results that we produce because there's different things going on. There's pandemics,

00:33:07.980 there's markets, there's things that are going on in the economy that we don't have control over.

00:33:13.960 But what we do have control over is our effort. And that's why it's so important to recognize and

00:33:21.220 appreciate effort and then reward results. And so when we're recognizing people, sharing that

00:33:26.980 appreciation, I really appreciate the effort you put in, or I really appreciate how hard you studied for

00:33:31.680 that test and that you put in all that extra work to really know things and to have things down.

00:33:38.540 So when you took the exam, you got that A or you got that B plus that you got. And so when we

00:33:43.240 recognize effort, not just the results, then it removes that pressure for many people.

00:33:49.460 Just from my own personal observation, it's completely anecdotal. It seems like people who

00:33:53.720 are more free spirited, like the commitment resistant type, you know, just like they're just,

00:33:57.860 they're great people. They're happy go lucky. They often feel the most uncomfortable

00:34:01.500 with compliments because I think there's that pressure of perceived expectations. Like it

00:34:06.660 feels like a constraint on their future behavior. Do you think there's anything to that?

00:34:11.020 Well, and I think that's based, if you look at what is the narrative behind that? It's like,

00:34:15.360 it's like being in your twenties and someone says, I love you, that you're dating and you're like, 0.83

00:34:19.480 oh crap, are they expecting to get married? Right? Like, it's like, hey, you're really good at this.

00:34:23.360 Wait, you want me to do this forever, which that's rarely that person's expectation.

00:34:29.520 They're just expressing what they feel and see in that moment. And that doesn't mean that we're

00:34:34.720 tied down and committed because they said that thing. They're just expressing something in the

00:34:40.160 moment. And I think that what creates that expectation is our interpretation of what their

00:34:46.480 compliment means. But if you think about how many interactions and conversations we have throughout

00:34:51.140 our day, somebody saying, I really appreciate what you do, or I really appreciate you doesn't mean

00:34:57.060 that we are tied into this relationship for the rest of our life, or I'm expecting you do that same

00:35:01.200 thing forever. Right? Because if I'm a person who really cares for you as an employee or as a person

00:35:06.400 in my life, I understand that your needs, your goals, your life is ever changing. And a true relationship

00:35:13.820 is supporting you to succeed in work and in our relationship as well. And so that compliment is

00:35:19.340 just a signal that that person's sending. It is not the end result.

00:35:23.060 So we talked about how complimenting people is a way to build connection and foster a relationship.

00:35:30.620 How does deflecting compliments affect relationships?

00:35:35.060 Well, I think part of our relationships are built in the exchange. And if we keep on giving gifts to

00:35:41.800 people, if we keep on reaching out to people, and then they never accept those things, and we never

00:35:47.460 give them opportunity to contribute to us, to notice us, and we don't give an opportunity for

00:35:53.260 them to close that loop, then we break connection. And so I think that when we deflect, we don't give

00:36:00.160 that person an opportunity to contribute. And we don't give that person an opportunity to feel seen

00:36:05.460 and feel connected to us. And so when we do that, we, we end up breaking down our relationships.

00:36:09.720 Well, it's like you said, a compliment is a gift. And just imagine how you'd feel if you gave someone

00:36:14.740 a gift and they're like, meh, I really don't want this. You'd feel bad. And so if someone gives you

00:36:21.340 a compliment instead of rejecting it, like just say, yeah, thank you. I really appreciate what you

00:36:26.880 did because then it makes that other person feel good as well.

00:36:30.660 Yeah. And if you're uncomfortable with it, they'll probably stop after you accept it.

00:36:34.520 And I think it's important, and I don't often mention this much because I'm not a huge fan of

00:36:38.600 kind of putting people into boxes, but you know, you'll have the languages of love or the languages

00:36:42.620 of appreciation. And I think it's important to understand that, you know, this kind of difference

00:36:48.040 between the golden rule and the platinum rule, the golden rule, treat others the way you want to be

00:36:51.740 treated, the platinum rule, treat others the way they want to be treated. And so I think if we

00:36:55.160 notice that people aren't really liking the way that we're recognizing them, we may need to shift that

00:37:00.420 a little bit. If it's more about acts of service, if it's more about quality time. And I think it's

00:37:06.340 important to expand our idea of how we express our appreciation beyond just words to also our

00:37:15.080 actions and how we show up. And by doing that and by saying, Hey, maybe just sitting down next to

00:37:20.260 somebody on the couch and spending a little time. I remember someone saying recently, I really

00:37:23.580 appreciated that my, you know, husband sat down with me for 15 minutes and did a puzzle because I

00:37:28.420 know he doesn't like to do puzzles, but he sat down and did it with me. And then we ended up chatting

00:37:32.760 for an hour that can be more meaningful for somebody than actually expressing our appreciation

00:37:40.540 in a verbal way.

00:37:41.500 Right. Yeah. So not everyone appreciates verbal affirmation as much as other people. So, you

00:37:47.600 know, if you're getting to know someone, you, if you notice that they're uncomfortable with

00:37:52.260 receiving compliments, maybe you start shifting to other ways to show appreciation. So that's

00:37:57.420 something we can think about as the giver of compliments, but when we're receiving them,

00:38:02.800 knowing that, you know, deflection can break connection and accepting them well can build

00:38:08.520 connection. Do you have any tips on how to better accept compliments?

00:38:12.160 I mean, I think the simple one is to just say, thank you. Right. It's just the simplest thing is

00:38:17.080 get in the habit. We've established these knee jerk reactions our whole life. And just like if

00:38:21.840 somebody, you know, a door swings towards you, your hand's going to go up. If something comes

00:38:26.340 towards your face, your hands are going to come up to protect because this is a knee jerk reaction

00:38:29.180 that we've established. It's a habit. And so in order to change that habit, I know you've had a

00:38:33.320 lot of amazing people on here who talked about habit change through your multiple episodes.

00:38:38.120 But I think just reminding ourselves and being aware of what do I do? So if somebody recognizes

00:38:43.060 me, just paying attention and noticing how other people respond, try giving compliments to people

00:38:48.620 in the coming days and watch how they respond. And if they divert it, go, did you get the

00:38:52.740 compliment? Did you hear what I just said? Oh, and it will break that reaction. And when we notice

00:38:57.260 ourselves doing it, say, Hey, I'm trying to get a little better at accepting compliments. Thank you.

00:39:01.980 And just practice doing it. And if a bunch of feelings come up, just take a minute to examine

00:39:06.540 those. Hey, why did that make me so uncomfortable? What's going on there? Because that was really kind

00:39:11.860 what they said. And just observe, notice, and then just try to break the habit and just say,

00:39:18.940 thank you. Just say, thank you. Yeah. I think it really helped me is just this idea that the

00:39:24.060 compliment isn't about you. It's really about the giver. Like they're trying to let you know

00:39:29.520 how something you did affected them. And so let them have that, let them have that moment.

00:39:35.260 And that's, that's their judgment. That's their assessment. And that's their gift. When I was,

00:39:39.240 I interviewed, one of my interviews on the train was a musician and he said, my instructor is always,

00:39:45.580 or my mentors always recognizing me about how great I am and how amazing and how much development

00:39:50.820 I've had. And he goes, I don't need it. And I go, well, for her, she's also processing her work.

00:39:59.320 You're her student. She's seen you've developed. She's seen you how, how far you've progressed and

00:40:05.000 give her the opportunity to recognize that work and to see her work in action. She's also processing

00:40:11.840 that. And when people come up to us and they recognize us for something that we do, that is,

00:40:17.400 you know, second nature to us, like, you know, people be like, Oh, great job on that spreadsheet.

00:40:22.380 And you're like, I've been doing this for 20 years. And what they're doing is they're processing

00:40:26.300 their learning. So just recognize that's what they're doing and give them an opportunity to do

00:40:30.880 that. I love that. So I think the takeaway from today is give more compliments and then don't

00:40:36.620 deflect compliments. Just, just accept them as the gift that they are. Yeah. To let them in and know

00:40:42.600 that that's one of the most powerful tools that we have for building relationships. Well, Chris,

00:40:46.900 this has been a great conversation. Where can people go to learn more about your work and what

00:40:49.800 you do? You can find me on YouTube. Just search Christopher Littlefield. You can go to

00:40:55.660 beyondthankyou.com and I'll put some special resources together. If you go to beyondthankyou.com

00:41:01.560 backslash podcast for the show today. Fantastic. Well, Chris Littlefield,

00:41:05.280 thanks for your time. It's been a pleasure. It's been great speaking with you today, Brad.

00:41:09.080 My guest today was Christopher Littlefield. You can find more information about his work at his

00:41:12.060 website, beyondthankyou.com. Also check out our show notes at aom.is slash compliments.

00:41:17.160 We find links to resources. We delve deeper into this topic.

00:41:26.740 Well, that wraps up another edition of the AOM podcast. Make sure to check out our website at

00:41:30.620 artofmanliness.com where you find our podcast archives, as well as thousands of articles that we've

00:41:34.560 written over the years about pretty much anything you think of. And if you haven't done so already,

00:41:38.120 I'd appreciate if you take one minute to give you an Apple podcast or Spotify. It helps out a lot.

00:41:41.740 And if you've done that already, thank you. Please consider sharing the show with a friend or

00:41:45.060 family member who would think we had something out of it. As always, thank you for the continued

00:41:48.840 support. Until next time, it's Brett McKay. Remind you to not listen to the AOM podcast,

00:41:52.280 but put what you've heard into action.

00:42:04.560 Thank you.

00:42:07.800 Bye.

00:42:08.380 Bye.

00:42:08.780 Bye.

00:42:10.020 Bye.

00:42:12.460 Bye.

00:42:14.060 Bye.

00:42:14.900 Bye.

00:42:14.960 Bye.

00:42:16.620 Bye.

00:42:16.700 Bye.

00:42:16.980 Bye.

00:42:17.740 Bye.

00:42:18.660 Bye.

00:42:19.060 Bye.

00:42:22.080 Bye.

00:42:23.260 Bye.

00:42:24.220 Bye.

00:42:26.660 Bye.

00:42:27.580 Bye.

00:42:28.360 Bye.

00:42:29.000 Bye.

00:42:29.980 Bye.

00:42:30.460 Bye.

00:42:30.900 Bye.

00:42:31.320 Bye.

00:42:31.780 Bye.

00:42:32.240 Bye.

00:42:33.440 Bye.

00:42:33.540 Bye.

The Art of Manliness - June 03, 2024

Why You're So Bad at Giving and Receiving Compliments (And How to Fix That)

Episode Stats

Summary

Transcript