In this episode of the Sunday Special with Lewis Howes of the School of Greatness, we're going to get to all of our questions about leadership, greatness, sports, and life in general in just one second! First, let's talk about the fact that you're probably going to die. And when that happens, you want to make sure that your family is not left bereft. This is why you should be an adult and get life insurance. Getting life insurance is one of the more intimidating parts of becoming an adult. There are so many options, it's hard to know where to start. And also, you don't want to be buried in a pauper's grave. I mean, you need life insurance, right? In fact, you probably should. Go to PolicyGenius: The easy way to compare and buy life insurance in minutes. If you've been intimidated or frustrated by insurance in the past, try starting your search at Policygenius. You can compare quotes from top insurers and find the coverage you need at a price you can afford. From there, you can apply online and apply online. They'll handle all the red tape for you. They'll even negotiate your rate with the insurance company, all part of their best price guarantee. And they can help you get covered fast! So they can always help you, the easy way, compare quotes and buy policies, and you can do the whole thing on your phone right now! Thanks so you can start your search, in minutes! Go to compare, compare, and apply to your quote and apply. . You can do it in minutes, in seconds! . And if you can't get covered by a quote you can t do it right now, you'll even be there! And you can even do it on your smart phone! You'll get a discount! It'll be faster than you can get covered, faster than ever before you even start the process of getting a quote from a professional insurance broker! and a discount on your quote! Want to get the deal on a life insurance quote? You won't have to go to a professional life insurance company? , you can go to policygenius! - RateGenius - rate your quote, they'll be helping you get the best rate guarantee, and they'll get the fastest, affordable rates, and get the biggest discount possible!
00:00:00.000Having that awareness that people are still going to care, no matter how much I mess up, gives me the permission to go try something new and make mistakes.
00:00:09.000And those who aren't willing to make mistakes, I think, are going to be stuck at some point in their life.
00:00:13.000Here we are on the Sunday special with Lewis Howes of the School of Greatness.
00:00:24.000We're going to get to all of our questions about leadership, greatness, sports, life, in just one second.
00:00:29.000First, let's talk about the fact that you're going to die.
00:00:31.000I'm sorry to break it to you, but you are going to plot.
00:00:33.000And when that happens, you want to make sure that your family is not left bereft.
00:00:36.000This is why you should be an adult and get life insurance.
00:00:38.000Getting life insurance is one of the more intimidating parts of becoming an adult.
00:00:41.000There's so many options, it's hard to know where to start.
00:00:43.000But making sure your family is financially protected is really important.
00:00:47.000And also, you don't want to be buried in a pauper's grave.
00:00:50.000So PolicyGenius created a website that makes it easy for you to compare quotes, get advice, get covered, without extra fees or commissioned sales agents.
00:00:57.000PolicyGenius is the easy way to get life insurance in minutes.
00:01:00.000You can compare quotes from top insurers and find the coverage you need at a price you can afford.
00:01:38.000How did you get into podcasting about greatness?
00:01:40.000Because your story is kind of fascinating.
00:01:42.000Well, I moved to LA about six and a half years ago, and I was going through a breakup at the time, actually.
00:01:47.000I'm actually going through another one right now, so it's funny timing.
00:01:51.000But I moved, and I was going through a breakup in a lot of things in my life.
00:01:55.000I was going through a breakup in a business partnership that I had, in an intimate relationship that I was in, and also just like a lot of friends.
00:02:24.000I remember being stuck, and everyone was stuck around me, honking their horn, screaming.
00:02:30.000And I said to myself, like, man, there's a lot of people who are stuck in life just the way I feel stuck right now.
00:02:35.000There's got to be a way to reach people and to inspire people who are feeling stuck, whether it's in traffic or just in their life through breakups.
00:02:42.000And I thought to myself, I need to learn.
00:03:05.000So how did you get from point A to point B?
00:03:07.000I think I was always good at observing people.
00:03:10.000You know, in school growing up, I was in the special needs classes.
00:03:13.000It was hard for me to read and write at a second grade reading level in the eighth grade.
00:03:18.000I always struggled on tests and homework.
00:03:21.000I just, I was the opposite of you, right?
00:03:22.000You were excelled, you skipped multiple grades.
00:03:25.000I was the one that should have been held back, but I kind of like cheated my way and asked friends to give me the answers and people helped me with my homework all through college.
00:03:35.000It was the only way I could really survive.
00:03:39.000But with that, I was good at observing people.
00:03:41.000I would just study people all day long and observe what made them tick, why they did the things they did, why people were afraid or insecure, why they would say certain things, act a certain way, why they would bully other kids.
00:03:55.000And I started asking a lot of questions in high school and college and I started to seek mentors at an early age.
00:04:02.000Originally it was through coaches and sports and then when I got into business I just started seeking out great leaders and business minds.
00:04:10.000And the more I asked questions, the more I learned information, and I applied that information.
00:04:15.000After sports, I applied my life like it was a sport.
00:04:19.000I said, I need a coach, I need a game plan, and I need to take action.
00:04:22.000And I needed that coach to give me feedback on the action I took.
00:04:26.000And I just continued to repeat that cycle in life.
00:04:29.000What's really fascinating, I think, about what you're talking about here is that it goes to a conversation that I've had with a lot of other guests about the, there's a lot of fear right now of the IQ gap.
00:04:38.000This feeling that in our economy and in our country and in a free market that people at the upper end of the IQ spectrum have this unbridgeable advantage that you can't get anywhere if you're not at the top of the IQ spectrum.
00:04:48.000I mean, your story suggests that, and this isn't a rip on your IQ, I mean, this is a story about how you went from being a place where you were behind grade levels to doing what you're doing now.
00:04:58.000But it suggests that there's more than one way to measure intelligence, and we're a little too narrow about this.
00:05:01.000Yeah, I think emotional intelligence is something that people are talking about more and more, and you hear about a lot of dyslexic billionaires, you know, people that are impacting the world, leaders who were dyslexic or who struggled in school, who dropped out of school.
00:05:14.000but we're able to connect with human beings.
00:05:16.000We're able to speak the language where someone's at and meet people where they're at.
00:05:20.000And I think that's a powerful point on leadership.
00:05:24.000If you just expect everyone to understand you and you're not coming from a place of understanding them, how are you gonna get them to move, to shift, to change, to evolve, to take action on an idea?
00:05:33.000And that's why I try to constantly learn how to develop new skills and master new skills.
00:05:39.000And every year I think about the things I'm most afraid of.
00:05:42.000I think about where are my insecurities still?
00:05:46.000And then I try to go all in on those insecurities and master them so they're not a fear anymore, they become a skill.
00:05:53.000I spent some time listening to your show and reading some of your stuff and one of the things that I really like about what you talk about in terms of leadership and also just in terms of kind of taking life by the horns is that, and it comes off of you when you're talking, is that you have a real spirit of adventure about life.
00:06:05.000And do you feel like that's kind of been lost among a lot of Americans, that we've kind of been told we can't do things and so we're stuck in our own heads?
00:06:52.000And now that I've got, you know, a core group of family and friends, it's like, even if I make a mistake and all my fans leave me, or followers leave me, or listeners stop listening, I still have people that care.
00:07:03.000And having that awareness that people are still going to care, no matter how much I mess up, gives me the permission to go try something new.
00:09:10.000And then it comes down to the last boy, and then there was me.
00:09:13.000And so I start walking over to the team that was next, thinking I was going to be the next one picked.
00:09:19.000Little did I know, they started picking a girl, and the next girl, and the next girl, and the next girl, all the way until I was the last one by default.
00:09:28.000And that really resonated with me at the time.
00:10:47.000And that's when this kind of moment, you know, six years ago, five, six years ago, really came to me when I was going through this breakup and everything.
00:10:54.000I was like, why am I still struggling?
00:10:58.000When I have a very successful multi-million dollar business, I had a beautiful girlfriend, I have these great relationships, I've achieved all these accolades that seem good, but why am I still suffering and struggling inside?
00:11:11.000And it wasn't until I was able to go back into, and I think we talked about this a little bit, to go back into all the times that I was, felt like I wasn't enough.
00:11:21.000Felt like I was bullied, picked on, And just felt like I didn't believe in myself.
00:11:26.000When I went back and all that and started to process it, that's when I started to realize why I acted the way I did.
00:11:33.000And when I started to let go of a lot of the pain, a lot of the frustration, a lot of things I was holding on to, the forgiveness that I needed to do, That's when I finally felt free emotionally. - Yeah, I mean, there's a lot there, and it sounds like from a different angle, you and I have very similar experiences this way.
00:11:49.000And for me, it gave me a different perspective on bullying.
00:11:53.000So my perspective on bullying is that I hate bullies with a passion.
00:11:57.000I think we should do everything we can to stop bullies, but it doesn't give me a lot of sympathy for necessarily folks who are bullied and then use that as an excuse not to try or to suggest that the bullying is the rationale for their future failures.
00:12:09.000At a certain point, you got to take ownership of what happened to you and turn it around as best you can.
00:12:14.000I mean, if we're not talking about something that is life-threatening or really debilitating.
00:12:18.000But as somebody who was pretty viciously bullied myself, that was always fuel for the fire.
00:12:25.000And I think that that is what I hope that's what people can treat bullying as because life is full of terrible things and terrible hardships.
00:12:38.000And I think I realized that I used the fire from like the bullying or just not feeling good enough or whatever, you know, from family challenges and struggles with my parents.
00:12:47.000My brother was in prison for a few years and so I didn't have friends during that time either.
00:12:51.000So I just, I had a lot of different things that I held onto and I realized that The fuel and the fire that I had to prove everyone wrong was so powerful that it worked.
00:13:26.000All these things, but why am I still suffering inside?
00:13:29.000Why am I still not feeling like it's not enough?
00:13:32.000And it wasn't until, again, I started to really address these things and tap into all the things from my childhood and from breakups and relationships and when I started to let go, that's when I started to feel a sense of inner peace.
00:13:47.000A lot of people who are very successful, who are big personalities, who make a lot of money, but I see them and I talk to them and there's suffering inside.
00:13:57.000And one of the things I want to try to do is support people in overcoming that inner suffering, that pain that I think a lot of us have held on to or hold on to still.
00:14:08.000Yeah, well, ambition and drive, it's kind of a universal asset, right?
00:14:12.000It eats through your apathy, which is great, because it means that our normal tendency is to be apathetic and to be lazy, and when you're ambitious, it gets you up off your ass and makes you go do things.
00:14:19.000But then you get to a certain point and the acid starts eating through the actual engine, like the engine that keeps you going.
00:14:25.000It starts to eat you up inside, is what you're talking about.
00:14:29.000And there comes a point where you realize that you actually can't dance with the gal that brought you.
00:14:33.000That chip on your shoulder, that ambition, that's actually become now an obstacle to the happiness that you thought it was going to bring you in the first place.
00:15:57.000Five times a day, it sends me a message that says you're going to die.
00:16:02.000And I guess it's from the nation Bhutan, I think, where five times a day they celebrate their death, or they think about their death, to have them appreciate their life more.
00:16:13.000And I'm thinking about this a lot more.
00:17:33.000It was very dark because It really shaped my entire life.
00:17:38.000This one moment where I was sexually abused, it made me very defensive anytime I felt like someone was trying to attack me.
00:17:47.000And that was very challenging growing up in Ohio as a straight man.
00:17:52.000You know, I was also very I would say I love to be around, like, my teammate brothers, right?
00:18:01.000I love to, like, high-five them and put my arm around guys and just, like, be a loving brother, right?
00:18:07.000But anytime I showed any type of connection, just, like, as a brother, non-intimate in any way, it was just, like, don't be a fag, don't be gay, don't be this.
00:19:05.000And it brought me closer to people than I ever thought it would.
00:19:08.000You know, when I shared it with my family members.
00:19:12.000They were all in shock and sad and hurt, but they also started to open up in powerful, beautiful ways with me about things I never knew about them.
00:19:21.000And so we created a better connection and intimacy.
00:19:24.000When I shared it with my friends, same thing happened.
00:19:26.000They were just there for me even more, and we built more trust.
00:19:31.000I decided to publicly open up about it on my podcast five years ago, about four and a half years ago.
00:19:37.000And I remember saying, this is gonna ruin my career.
00:19:40.000I don't know any other white, straight, jock personality who's opened up about being sexually abused.
00:19:48.000And there's no model for me to follow this.
00:19:51.000But I felt like the more I was telling people one-on-one The more healing it was creating for them as well.
00:19:57.000And people are opening up to me about their pain and their shame and their guilt and insecurities.
00:20:02.000And the more I started to research about how men are causing so much pain in the world, so much suffering, because they're not just opening up about their shame, I said I gotta do something about this.
00:20:11.000And even if I lose all my followers and all my money is gone, I feel like at least I lived part of a mission and a purpose that I was here to do.
00:20:19.000And when I opened up about it, it blew my mind the emails I got.
00:20:24.000Hundreds of emails from men who were 50 years old that said, I have four kids and a wife, no one knows.
00:20:43.000And the healing that happened after that for a lot of these men just really inspired me.
00:20:47.000And that's why I started to talk about it more.
00:20:48.000That's why I wrote a book about men just opening up and having a safe space to share these things.
00:20:54.000It doesn't have to be with the world, but just with your spouse or a close friend or someone at the church or a therapist or someone you can trust to start opening up about the things that you're most ashamed of, most hurt by, and the things you're angry about.
00:21:09.000Because I just feel like there's a lot of pain in the world.
00:21:13.000There's a lot of anger and there's a lot of hate.
00:21:14.000And if we can eliminate that, then we can all be more free.
00:21:17.000Have you gotten any blowback from having told those stories?
00:21:43.000And also that experience now no longer has control over me, where it used to define me.
00:21:48.000It used to be anytime I felt attacked, I would go after and want to fight someone, whether it be Online, physically, I just would want to fight people.
00:21:58.000And that's not a good way to live life, just constantly like trying to attack someone.
00:22:01.000It's really fascinating because obviously we live in this Me Too moment where a lot of people are worried about exactly this kind of stuff, the abuse of women, the abuse of men, the sexual abuse of people.
00:22:10.000And there seems to be a baseline assumption that most Americans are somehow not sympathetic, that there needs to be a massive mind shift in how most Americans think about this stuff.
00:22:18.000I mean, I'm coming at a different angle because, thank God, that never happened to me, but it seems to me that that may be exaggerated, that most Americans are really not looking to jump down the throat of somebody who is abused, that most Americans are on the side of people who are abused and are looking to figure out exactly how they can help.
00:22:34.000Yeah, I think the statistic right now is one in four women have been sexually abused, and one in six men have been sexually abused, or six boys, that we know of.
00:22:45.000And so the challenge is that this is happening more frequently than we realize.
00:22:50.000It's probably happening to someone that you know, close to you.
00:22:52.000If you've got five guy friends, chances are one of you has experienced this.
00:22:57.000And I think it just lets us know that, like, There's a lot more things that have happened to people that we're not even aware of because people aren't talking about it.
00:23:04.000And people are ashamed, they're insecure, they're afraid of what people are going to say.
00:23:08.000They don't want to be rejected for what people know about them.
00:23:11.000And I think we suffer when we hold these things in.
00:23:15.000We suffer, we struggle, and we start to make poor decisions when we're emotionally triggered, when we're under attack emotionally or physically.
00:23:40.000So you talk about some of this in your new book, The Mask of Masculinity, specifically talking about, you know, vulnerability and all this.
00:23:51.000You know, I wore the athlete mask and the know-it-all mask.
00:23:55.000You know, there's some people, some guys have the joker mask, who are always the funny guys, who are always like the laugh of the party.
00:24:02.000There's the invincible mask, the guy that just takes on every challenge, who's just like the daredevil, who thinks he's never going to get hurt.
00:24:09.000We put on these masks to essentially try to fit in.
00:24:12.000You know, I wore this athlete mask and this egoic know-it-all mask because I wanted to prove my worthiness and acceptance of other people.
00:24:21.000Whether it was girls, guys, teachers, coaches, it didn't matter.
00:24:25.000Trying to prove something based on insecurity.
00:24:28.000When we reveal ourselves, when we take off the mask, and we realize, oh, this is actually really scary, when someone sees all of us, when we stop protecting the things that we're afraid of, and someone sees us, it's terrifying, because we're unsure of how people are going to respond.
00:24:43.000You know, when the comedian constantly tells a funny joke, he's going to get someone to laugh, and he knows that people want to be around that.
00:25:37.000I think we grew up with an opinion of masculinity that doesn't work fully right now.
00:25:42.000Where you have to be strong, you have to be the provider, you have to be certain things, you have to never show emotion, you can never cry, you can never tell people how you feel.
00:26:01.000You don't have to be the standard of masculinity that was projected when we grew up as kids, which is like, you've got to sleep with all the girls, you've got to make lots of money, you've got to have a great job, otherwise you're not a real man.
00:26:32.000You know, fight against certain things that are unjust, but you don't have to be that way 100% of the time if it's hurting you and hurting the people around you.
00:26:40.000So just see how you're affecting the people around you, at least the closest people around you.
00:26:44.000If you're hurting people around you, is that ideal of masculinity good or can you shift it?
00:26:52.000Yeah, I feel like we've sort of shifted.
00:26:53.000It's interesting, because I feel like a lot of what people consider to be traditional masculinity is a little bit overwrought, meaning that because we've all seen movies from the 1930s and 40s, we think, OK, John Wayne, that's what masculinity was.
00:27:05.000But the reality is that being a man was always about really protecting and providing.
00:27:11.000And maybe we moved too far in the direction of protection and providing without thinking about how we maintain our own health, our own mental, our own emotional Absolutely.
00:27:21.000But I get the feeling from today's men that sometimes it's too far in the other direction, that we're very much focused on our own emotions and sure, we're focused on vulnerability, but we forget about responsibility and we forget about questing forth and protecting and all of these things.
00:27:56.000Learn how to shift your energy to connect with people in the right settings.
00:28:01.000And I think that's an evolved human being, not just a man.
00:28:04.000That's an evolved human being who learns about their surroundings, what people are feeling, what they're going through, and knows how to shift their energy, their words, their communication in that moment.
00:28:13.000I mean, this is one of these areas where it's so funny because you don't do politics and I do politics all the time.
00:28:18.000The truth is that the consensus that we have about these issues is pretty broad, and I feel like in the political world, all these false breaks happen, all these false dichotomies, where on the one hand you have Gillette doing commercials about toxic masculinity, there's one this week about how men have been bringing up boys to be bullies and sexual harassing, and on the other side you have a bunch of people saying, hold up a second, without fathers, these boys end up disasters.
00:28:43.000That most toxic masculinity is not the result of men in boys' lives.
00:28:47.000It's the result of men not being in boys' lives.
00:28:50.000One day you're going to be married and have kids.
00:28:54.000How do you expect to be the man in your boys' life?
00:30:39.000But for me, I thought that was really important to model that.
00:30:42.000To just say, hey, if you have a feeling, you can express your feelings and it's okay.
00:30:47.000So I think I'll be expressive to my kids as well in that way.
00:30:49.000And I want them to feel extremely loved and supportive.
00:30:53.000So that I remember I was interviewing Kobe Bryant and he said, The first year he got into basketball, there was a summer he got into basketball when he was like 12 years old or something, and he didn't score a single point the whole summer.
00:31:08.000And he went on to become one of the greatest basketball players and arguably athletes of all time.
00:31:12.000And I said, how did you go into playing?
00:31:17.000And what was the greatest lesson that your father taught you that made you so dominant?
00:31:21.000And he said to Kobe, he said that no matter whether he scores or doesn't score, wins or loses, he's going to love him the same way.
00:31:30.000And Kobe said that gave him permission to go and fail and go and pursue it even harder because he knew that his father was going to love him no matter what.
00:31:39.000I think there's a lot of parents that base their love on performance and results.
00:31:44.000And they hold back sometimes if they didn't get the result that they wish that their kids got.
00:31:51.000Learning more lessons like that, like making sure you love your kids no matter what.
00:31:55.000It seems like these days pretty much every topic, for some reason or other, becomes political.
00:31:59.000It doesn't seem to matter what it is, whether it's the sporting world, whether it's the advertising world.
00:32:04.000So I'm not going to ask you how you vote because, frankly, it's your business.
00:32:07.000But, you know, if you had any sort of core political convictions about what government should be doing, do you have any sort of political convictions on this sort of stuff?
00:32:14.000I know the least about politics and any terminology and any parties, what they're doing.
00:32:24.000Give me a specific question maybe of like, I just want people to come together and love each other more.
00:32:31.000As weird as that sounds, I want people to fight less and feel free to pursue what they want.
00:32:37.000And so whatever government supports that.
00:32:41.000Where it's, I think a government that inspires people to pursue what they want, to be more productive, to be more loving, to be more inclusive, to be less, to hate people less.
00:32:55.000You know, all the taxes and this and that, it's like, I spend so much money on taxes, but I feel like it's the price I pay to have the freedoms here in California and opportunities, that I'm just like, whatever, I gotta pay whatever I have to pay, and it gives me the opportunity.
00:33:16.000But in any case, the reason I ask that is because where I come from, what you're doing, which is an attempt to build social fabric, all that stuff seems to be stuff that we really do outside of government.
00:33:26.000So you mentioned the idea that a government that can foster this stuff.
00:33:30.000I'll be honest, I've never seen a government that's capable of fostering this stuff.
00:33:33.000What do we need to do in order to make that happen?
00:33:34.000I mean, I don't think that the government is capable of that.
00:33:36.000Meaning that I think the connections that we have with the people around us, the connections with our family, the connections with our friends, all that happens in the absence of government.
00:33:44.000That when government comes in and tries to get between me and my family or make decisions for us.
00:33:49.000What they're doing instead is they're preventing me from building the communities that I want to build.
00:33:54.000And so what you're doing, and we'll take it back inside of politics here, what you're doing in building social fabric is actually a social good on a political level.
00:34:02.000Because without that social fabric where we're all connected, then you do need a government to come in and artificially build a reason for us all to be in the same place at the same time.
00:34:11.000if we were able to voluntarily get together, see each other as brothers and sisters as opposed to enemies, then you don't need government to put its heavy foot down and try and compel things from the top down.
00:34:44.000It's a very small religion, and for me, I still don't fully understand it.
00:34:50.000I don't go to church necessarily anymore, maybe once a year, once or twice a year, but I remember going to church every week, and every Wednesday night, there were these things called Wednesday night testimonials, where people would talk about the healings they had from From the practice of the religion.
00:35:08.000And the religion was founded by a woman, Mary Baker Eddy.
00:35:12.000And what I really took from the religion is that it's all about mind over matter.
00:35:17.000Everything that I learned was your thoughts and your ideas shape your reality.
00:35:37.000It's like I have these desires, these urges.
00:35:39.000But it worked for me very well in sports.
00:35:42.000And whenever I was in conflict, I was just like, I'm just an idea.
00:35:46.000And if I have an idea, and I continue to build the belief of the idea strong, then I can do anything.
00:35:52.000And anytime I was hurt or injured, my mindset was stronger than my physical body, to where it gave me the advantage in games and in sports.
00:36:01.000It allowed me to push myself so far, because I just believed I was an idea that could never be hurt.
00:36:08.000And again, there's certain things about the religion that I really love and certain things that I don't understand still, and that's why I'm not constantly practicing it, but it gave me a great foundation to Continue to ask questions about why we're here and the purpose of it all.
00:36:25.000And while I'm here, I might as well make the most of it and be a good idea as opposed to a bad one.
00:36:33.000So what's your day like on a daily basis?
00:36:35.000I mean, do you get up in leadership all day or how does that work?
00:36:39.000No, no, I get up and I think the body is important though.
00:36:41.000Even though I focus on the mind a lot, I try to push the mind through pushing the body.
00:36:46.000So I get up and I train, usually either with a trainer or I do a class or something in the morning.
00:36:50.000I meditate, which is the same thing as prayer as me.
00:36:53.000It's really just focusing on how I can be a better person this day and how I can serve humanity at a higher level.
00:36:58.000I really look at myself as a servant to my skill sets.
00:38:15.000I mean, I got some stuff there, but just like people are starting to attack my character, attack my whole life's work for one or two things that they didn't agree with, let's say.
00:38:27.000And I've never really had to face that on a large scale.
00:38:32.000But when people start attacking me and start spamming online, things that are rumors are not true, and then people start to believe that, it's just kind of like, man, I guess it just happens for everyone as they continue to have a bigger audience.
00:38:49.000And so I'm trying to learn that this is going to happen.
00:38:52.000I saw The Rock, who I'm actually a big fan of, had something like every news outlet talked about how he There was an interview where he talked about millennials or something.
00:39:52.000I mean, when you get someone who's like attacking all of your character, all of your life's work, all the things you've done well.
00:39:57.000You know, it's very difficult because when you're young, especially because we had this common history being bullied, at the very least, what you learn is that you have to really grow a hard shell.
00:40:06.000And then as you get older, you're like, okay, but I want the hard shell, but I also want, you know, I want to be like a Soberford.
00:40:11.000I want to have like the soft center where Yeah.
00:40:15.000Also, I can take criticism, so the shell's not completely impermeable.
00:40:18.000I want people to be able to make a critique of me, and I want to be able to accept that critique and internalize it and give feedback.
00:40:24.000And if you're a good person, you're constantly trying to make yourself better along the way.
00:40:27.000But there's a lot of bad faith criticism that happens, and that's why I think that in the end, and this is the part of my life that I've reached now, is that you have to actually develop a core that is not permeable.
00:40:39.000So there's the stuff that you actually believe so strongly that that's not actually permeable, where criticism actually has to bounce off it.
00:40:45.000So there's this outer layer of most things bounce off, and then there's an inner layer, which is, okay, I accept some of this criticism and some of it that I don't.
00:40:54.000And then there's this hard core of principle that no one can invade, and if they invade that, it's rejected out of hand.
00:41:00.000And trying to figure that out is a really hard barrier because it's a hard balance.
00:41:04.000You want to make sure that that barrier isn't too large so that you can't accept criticism or so that you can't be sensitive to other people.
00:41:11.000But you want to make sure that it's there because if it's not there, then you just get shot right through it, right?
00:41:14.000It goes through one side and out the other, and it mortally wounds you.
00:41:17.000And that's really difficult because, you know, there's no way it doesn't hurt.
00:41:37.000They're jealous, or they're insecure, they want to see, whatever it may be.
00:41:39.000Right, they want to see you go down because they have a problem with you, but it's bad faith, but the bad faith is really rooted in something that happened to them ten years ago.
00:41:45.000Or they're not taking the actions they wish they were taking.
00:41:48.000And that helps to a certain extent, but it really does mean that you have to, I think, that that core also includes other people, meaning that one of the ways to make sure that that core is the correct size and strength is to make sure that you actually have no men around you.
00:42:05.000I think bad leaders surround themselves with yes men.
00:42:07.000Bad leaders surround themselves with people who are telling them they're doing the right thing all the time.
00:42:11.000Good leaders surround themselves with no men, saying you're not allowed to do this, you're not allowed to do that.
00:42:15.000But also, You know, are not constantly opposed to everything you do.
00:42:18.000They're trying to guard you from yourself, and they're also trying to protect you at the same time.
00:42:23.000So getting feedback from a group of people you actually trust is difficult.
00:42:25.000That's why it's hard to find great friends.
00:42:27.000I told you when I was on your show, I'm not a friends person, because I think that most friends have interests that are disparate from yours.
00:42:33.000I mean, they have their own lives, they have their own priorities, and sometimes that conflicts.
00:42:37.000But, you know, for me, my core is my wife, my kids, my parents.
00:43:15.000So that's where I'm at right now, is figuring out how to navigate that.
00:43:20.000And I'm also, like, actually appreciative and grateful for it because I'm like, you know, everyone's going to have that after doing something positive.
00:43:27.000- Right, and it gives you an opportunity also to sort of clean your plate of it, meaning that something comes up from 10 years ago you feel bad about, it comes up and you're like, right, I screwed that up.
00:43:34.000- Exactly. - And now I have the opportunity to just move that aside. - So taking responsibility for everything and also purging people.
00:43:39.000You know, I'm just like purging people, like followers who are just taking the assumptions of rumors and saying, oh, you're this bad guy now because of this thing or whatever.
00:43:47.000I'm like, okay, well, if that's what you want to believe, I'm sorry to see you go.
00:43:50.000So how do you, I mean, you're in the social media world.
00:43:56.000I think this has actually been a good time since I've had like some of these spammers come out of the woodwork over the last, whatever, a few months.
00:44:12.000It's like removing myself from the day-to-day of being on Instagram and allowing other people to do that so I can focus on the bigger mission.
00:44:20.000And that's been really helpful is having that.
00:44:22.000Before I answer more, I was curious, what is the third layer core for you?
00:44:57.000If you're motivated by any of those three things, you get yourself in real trouble.
00:45:01.000If you feel like you're motivated by something that's true, that you actually want the best for the world, you want the best for other people, then when somebody attacks you, it's like, well, that's just not true.
00:45:08.000- Yeah. - You can just reject that out of town.
00:45:10.000It would be like if somebody said to me, "You don't love your wife." He'd be like, "That's just silly." - That's true, yeah. - I wouldn't even get angry.
00:45:17.000It's like saying, if somebody said to me, "You don't love your kids." It'd be like, that's just, things that are just not true bounce off of you.
00:45:22.000It's the stuff that feels like, that niggles at you in your mind. - Yeah. - That you feel like, maybe it's half true.
00:45:27.000Like, am I doing that because I'm pandering?
00:45:28.000Am I doing that because I'm not doing that?
00:47:13.000But also give yourself a challenge to put yourself out there.
00:47:16.000You know, whether it's every day I'm going to talk to someone who I think is interesting, whether it be online or someone I meet at a coffee shop, I'm going to give myself the challenge to potentially get rejected.
00:47:25.000And the more you do that, you're going to build confidence because you're going to learn how to communicate to people better who you're curious about or attracted to.
00:47:33.000And I remember when I was 16, I was terrified to speak to girls.
00:47:38.000Couldn't speak to girls because I was afraid, I was insecure, I felt stupid, all these things.
00:47:42.000And I gave myself that challenge when I was 16 in the summer.
00:47:45.000I said, anytime there's a girl that I'm attracted to or I think is cute, I'm going to walk right up to them and have a conversation.
00:48:36.000So this is one of those areas where, you know, I didn't, as I say, I haven't had a lot of dating experience, but the dating experience that I did have was extraordinarily productive.
00:48:44.000So I batted basically a thousand in my dating life because I didn't date very much at all.
00:48:48.000And then I dated and I got married and it's great.
00:48:51.000One final piece of advice that I had from a great relationship coach for women who came on my show, his name is Matt Hussey.
00:48:58.000He said, if you want to attract the right partner, create a list of all the things you want from those people.
00:49:50.000Because you can love yourself for who you are and where you're at and all the things you've done in your life, but that's not going to get you where you want to be.
00:49:56.000Right, it doesn't mean everybody else has to love you.
00:50:03.000And I think that this is, it's one of those areas where, again, it's easier to project out into the world what you'd like than for you to actually make yourself into something useful to somebody else.
00:50:54.000But it was really, there's this, I think the culture right now, because we've created this fear between the sexes, where women are very much afraid that men are going to victimize them, and men are afraid of being rejected by women and destroyed by women, that what it's created is this dearth of men who are willing to just walk up to a woman and ask her on a date.
00:51:43.000It doesn't mean you have to be sleazy and hit on someone.
00:51:45.000You can just have a conversation, be a human being.
00:51:47.000And I think we've lost the art of just human connection between the sexes.
00:51:52.000What do you think is the best way to meet somebody so I had it easy my sister fixed me up with my wife I don't think it should be easy.
00:51:58.000I think you should challenge yourself That's why it's like people are taking the the swipe left and swipe right approach with I've heard great stories of people finding marriages and relationships from that But I think we're afraid to get rejected so much that we hide behind other layers to try to meet someone again Not wrong.
00:52:17.000I just think It's going to feel that much better when you do the hard work.
00:52:22.000Anytime you do the challenging, scary hard work, you're going to feel more proud of yourself.
00:52:27.000I'm not saying it's going to be fun when you get rejected 10 times in a row, but I think you learn how to become a better person through that process of rejection.
00:52:36.000And that's what makes you a better human being. - So random question for you, since you're a sports guy.
00:52:40.000So I need to ask you, since you did play actual professional football, do you think that there is a, I know, random question, is there a future to football?
00:52:47.000Are people gonna let their kids play football?
00:52:49.000Would you let your kids play football? - That's a good question.
00:52:51.000My mom wouldn't let me play until I was 15.
00:52:54.000And I pretty much just said, I'm doing this.
00:52:55.000You know, looking back, I don't know if I, like it was the greatest time of my life and it set me up for so many opportunities.
00:54:17.000So everything I do is focused on how can I create media and information that supports reaching 100 million people a week.
00:54:24.000To give them different ideas, solutions, examples, inspiring stories like yours.
00:54:30.000to have an example to improve their life.
00:54:32.000- Who've you been, I mean, you've interviewed a bunch of people, so who've been your favorites, aside from me, obviously, but who've been your favorites to interview? - Most controversial, no, I'm sorry. - Getting all the online hate, but. - I like when I have spiritual thought leaders or former pastors on who just have different ideas but. - I like when I have spiritual thought leaders I've had, you know, Kobe Bryant was great.
00:54:53.000I've had, you know, Tony Robbins was someone that I was fascinated by.
00:55:27.000And not saying I'm gonna take every new belief from someone, but what's one thing I can grab and start testing and applying to improve my life?
00:55:35.000So I like people of all walks of life.
00:55:37.000Who were your chief influences growing up?
00:55:40.000I had some great coaches that I really leaned on when I was trying to be a great athlete who were really influential.
00:55:48.000My dad and my mom obviously were very inspiring.
00:55:51.000My dad would always, you know, he was a life insurance salesman so he worked very hard and he would come home every night and tuck me in and, you know, say a prayer with me and he came to every sports game in high school.
00:56:02.000And I went to a private boarding school.
00:56:04.000And he would fly every week and come see me and was on the field taking photos.
00:56:08.000So again, he was another great example of how to be there for me and as a son.
00:56:24.000And even though he was in prison for four years, I would go visit him every weekend.
00:56:29.000We would take a two and a half hour drive to visit him in the visiting room.
00:56:32.000And I learned a lot from being in a prison every single week by seeing other inmates with their families.
00:56:39.000You know, some of these inmates were so emotionally and mentally free, yet they were in prison their whole life, or going to be in prison their whole life.
00:56:49.000And then I would come in the outside world and see that there were so many people who were physically free but emotionally trapped, mentally trapped, in bars in their own heart.
00:56:59.000And I thought that was like the greatest crime that we commit, is being free physically but not reaching our potential.
00:57:07.000When there are people behind bars who are emotionally and mentally free, some of them, and don't have the opportunities we do anymore because of the actions they've committed.