The Ben Shapiro Show - January 27, 2019


Lewis Howes | The Ben Shapiro Show Sunday Special Ep. 35

Topics
life insurance IQ gap and emotional intelligence in leadership bullying inner suffering and ambition vulnerability and masks evolved masculinity religious background dating advice dating confidence
Hosted by
Ben Shapiro
Guests
Lewis Howes
Mentioned
Lewis Howes Kobe Bryant The Ben Shapiro Show Sunday Mary Baker Eddy Donovan Fowler Cynthia Angulo Sarah Blakely Jeremy Boring Mathis Glover Tony Robbins Jonathan Hay Jesua Olvera Matthew Hussey John Wayne Dylan Case Croak Audio Felt
Workers Of Venezuela, Unite | Ep. 702 Everybody In The Pool! | Ep. 704

Episode Stats


Length

58 minutes

Words per minute

217.41

Word count

12,675

Sentence count

913

Harmful content

Misogyny

7

sentences flagged

Toxicity

21

sentences flagged

Hate speech

5

sentences flagged


Summary

Summaries generated with gmurro/bart-large-finetuned-filtered-spotify-podcast-summ .

In this episode of the Sunday Special with Lewis Howes of the School of Greatness, we're going to get to all of our questions about leadership, greatness, sports, and life in general in just one second! First, let's talk about the fact that you're probably going to die. And when that happens, you want to make sure that your family is not left bereft. This is why you should be an adult and get life insurance. Getting life insurance is one of the more intimidating parts of becoming an adult. There are so many options, it's hard to know where to start. And also, you don't want to be buried in a pauper's grave. I mean, you need life insurance, right? In fact, you probably should. Go to PolicyGenius: The easy way to compare and buy life insurance in minutes. If you've been intimidated or frustrated by insurance in the past, try starting your search at Policygenius. You can compare quotes from top insurers and find the coverage you need at a price you can afford. From there, you can apply online and apply online. They'll handle all the red tape for you. They'll even negotiate your rate with the insurance company, all part of their best price guarantee. And they can help you get covered fast! So they can always help you, the easy way, compare quotes and buy policies, and you can do the whole thing on your phone right now! Thanks so you can start your search, in minutes! Go to compare, compare, and apply to your quote and apply. . You can do it in minutes, in seconds! . And if you can't get covered by a quote you can t do it right now, you'll even be there! And you can even do it on your smart phone! You'll get a discount! It'll be faster than you can get covered, faster than ever before you even start the process of getting a quote from a professional insurance broker! and a discount on your quote! Want to get the deal on a life insurance quote? You won't have to go to a professional life insurance company? , you can go to policygenius! - RateGenius - rate your quote, they'll be helping you get the best rate guarantee, and they'll get the fastest, affordable rates, and get the biggest discount possible!

Transcript

Transcripts from "The Ben Shapiro Show" are sourced from the Knowledge Fight Interactive Search Tool. Explore them interactively here.
Misogyny classifications generated with MilaNLProc/bert-base-uncased-ear-misogyny .
Toxicity classifications generated with s-nlp/roberta_toxicity_classifier .
Hate speech classifications generated with facebook/roberta-hate-speech-dynabench-r4-target .
Topics generated with Qwen2.5-3B-Instruct.
Hosts, guests, and mentioned names generated with spaCy (en_core_web_sm), reconciled against Wikidata.
00:00:00.000 Having that awareness that people are still going to care, no matter how much I mess up, gives me the permission to go try something new and make mistakes.
00:00:09.000 And those who aren't willing to make mistakes, I think, are going to be stuck at some point in their life.
00:00:13.000 Here we are on the Sunday special with Lewis Howes of the School of Greatness.
00:00:24.000 We're going to get to all of our questions about leadership, greatness, sports, life, in just one second.
00:00:29.000 First, let's talk about the fact that you're going to die.
00:00:31.000 I'm sorry to break it to you, but you are going to plot.
00:00:33.000 And when that happens, you want to make sure that your family is not left bereft.
00:00:36.000 This is why you should be an adult and get life insurance.
00:00:38.000 Getting life insurance is one of the more intimidating parts of becoming an adult.
00:00:41.000 There's so many options, it's hard to know where to start.
00:00:43.000 But making sure your family is financially protected is really important.
00:00:47.000 And also, you don't want to be buried in a pauper's grave.
00:00:49.000 I mean, you need life insurance.
00:00:50.000 So PolicyGenius created a website that makes it easy for you to compare quotes, get advice, get covered, without extra fees or commissioned sales agents.
00:00:57.000 PolicyGenius is the easy way to get life insurance in minutes.
00:01:00.000 You can compare quotes from top insurers and find the coverage you need at a price you can afford.
00:01:03.000 From there, you can apply online.
00:01:05.000 The advisors at PolicyGenius will handle all the red tape for you.
00:01:08.000 They'll even negotiate your rate with the insurance company, all part of their best price guarantee.
00:01:12.000 And PolicyGenius doesn't just do life insurance, they also Do disability insurance and homeowners insurance and auto insurance.
00:01:17.000 So they can always help you get covered fast.
00:01:19.000 If you've been intimidated or frustrated by insurance in the past, try starting your search at PolicyGenius.com.
00:01:24.000 Again, in minutes, you can compare quotes and apply.
00:01:26.000 You can do the whole thing on your phone right now.
00:01:27.000 In fact, you probably should.
00:01:28.000 Go to PolicyGenius.
00:01:29.000 The easy way to compare and buy life insurance.
00:01:31.000 Well, Lewis Howes, thanks so much for joining the Sunday special.
00:01:34.000 Really appreciate having you here.
00:01:36.000 So let's just jump right in.
00:01:38.000 How did you get into podcasting about greatness?
00:01:40.000 Because your story is kind of fascinating.
00:01:42.000 Well, I moved to LA about six and a half years ago, and I was going through a breakup at the time, actually.
00:01:47.000 I'm actually going through another one right now, so it's funny timing.
00:01:51.000 But I moved, and I was going through a breakup in a lot of things in my life.
00:01:55.000 I was going through a breakup in a business partnership that I had, in an intimate relationship that I was in, and also just like a lot of friends.
00:02:03.000 I felt like we were breaking apart.
00:02:06.000 And I'd moved here.
00:02:08.000 All this was happening, and I just started to ask myself these questions.
00:02:11.000 Why is this happening?
00:02:12.000 The common denominator was me.
00:02:14.000 I was at fault for all these things.
00:02:16.000 I was responsible for the breakups in every relationship.
00:02:19.000 And being in L.A.
00:02:20.000 traffic, I was driving here today in the rain.
00:02:22.000 There's always a lot of traffic.
00:02:24.000 I remember being stuck, and everyone was stuck around me, honking their horn, screaming.
00:02:30.000 And I said to myself, like, man, there's a lot of people who are stuck in life just the way I feel stuck right now.
00:02:35.000 There's got to be a way to reach people and to inspire people who are feeling stuck, whether it's in traffic or just in their life through breakups.
00:02:42.000 And I thought to myself, I need to learn.
00:02:45.000 I need to humble myself.
00:02:46.000 I need to learn and ask questions to the most inspiring people in the world.
00:02:50.000 You were someone that came on recently and we've had incredible people and that was six years ago and it's been an amazing ride.
00:02:56.000 So how did you get into sort of even there, right?
00:02:59.000 Because your background is really in sports.
00:03:01.000 You play in the Arena Football League and you're obviously an athlete.
00:03:03.000 You play on the U.S.
00:03:04.000 handball team.
00:03:05.000 So how did you get from point A to point B?
00:03:07.000 I think I was always good at observing people.
00:03:10.000 You know, in school growing up, I was in the special needs classes.
00:03:13.000 It was hard for me to read and write at a second grade reading level in the eighth grade.
00:03:18.000 I always struggled on tests and homework.
00:03:21.000 I just, I was the opposite of you, right?
00:03:22.000 You were excelled, you skipped multiple grades.
00:03:25.000 I was the one that should have been held back, but I kind of like cheated my way and asked friends to give me the answers and people helped me with my homework all through college.
00:03:35.000 It was the only way I could really survive.
00:03:39.000 But with that, I was good at observing people.
00:03:41.000 I would just study people all day long and observe what made them tick, why they did the things they did, why people were afraid or insecure, why they would say certain things, act a certain way, why they would bully other kids.
00:03:53.000 I would just observe.
00:03:55.000 And I started asking a lot of questions in high school and college and I started to seek mentors at an early age.
00:04:02.000 Originally it was through coaches and sports and then when I got into business I just started seeking out great leaders and business minds.
00:04:10.000 And the more I asked questions, the more I learned information, and I applied that information.
00:04:15.000 After sports, I applied my life like it was a sport.
00:04:19.000 I said, I need a coach, I need a game plan, and I need to take action.
00:04:22.000 And I needed that coach to give me feedback on the action I took.
00:04:26.000 And I just continued to repeat that cycle in life.
00:04:29.000 What's really fascinating, I think, about what you're talking about here is that it goes to a conversation that I've had with a lot of other guests about the, there's a lot of fear right now of the IQ gap.
00:04:38.000 This feeling that in our economy and in our country and in a free market that people at the upper end of the IQ spectrum have this unbridgeable advantage that you can't get anywhere if you're not at the top of the IQ spectrum.
00:04:48.000 I mean, your story suggests that, and this isn't a rip on your IQ, I mean, this is a story about how you went from being a place where you were behind grade levels to doing what you're doing now.
00:04:58.000 But it suggests that there's more than one way to measure intelligence, and we're a little too narrow about this.
00:05:01.000 Yeah, I think emotional intelligence is something that people are talking about more and more, and you hear about a lot of dyslexic billionaires, you know, people that are impacting the world, leaders who were dyslexic or who struggled in school, who dropped out of school.
00:05:14.000 but we're able to connect with human beings.
00:05:16.000 We're able to speak the language where someone's at and meet people where they're at.
00:05:20.000 And I think that's a powerful point on leadership.
00:05:24.000 If you just expect everyone to understand you and you're not coming from a place of understanding them, how are you gonna get them to move, to shift, to change, to evolve, to take action on an idea?
00:05:33.000 And that's why I try to constantly learn how to develop new skills and master new skills.
00:05:39.000 And every year I think about the things I'm most afraid of.
00:05:42.000 I think about where are my insecurities still?
00:05:44.000 Where can I grow as a human being?
00:05:46.000 And then I try to go all in on those insecurities and master them so they're not a fear anymore, they become a skill.
00:05:53.000 I spent some time listening to your show and reading some of your stuff and one of the things that I really like about what you talk about in terms of leadership and also just in terms of kind of taking life by the horns is that, and it comes off of you when you're talking, is that you have a real spirit of adventure about life.
00:06:05.000 Yeah.
00:06:05.000 And do you feel like that's kind of been lost among a lot of Americans, that we've kind of been told we can't do things and so we're stuck in our own heads?
00:06:12.000 I think so.
00:06:13.000 I think that a lot of us, the common thing that I see the most is people have a lack of belief in themselves.
00:06:19.000 They lack belief, they're very insecure.
00:06:22.000 And I think they're just afraid to fail.
00:06:24.000 And I was taught as an early age that you have to fail if you want to succeed.
00:06:27.000 The more you fail, the more you're willing to succeed.
00:06:31.000 And that's why, for me as a kid, I got in the act of taking on these challenges early on.
00:06:37.000 Anytime I was afraid, I was just like, I'm sick and tired of feeling this way.
00:06:40.000 I'm going to take it on.
00:06:41.000 I'm going to see what happens.
00:06:43.000 And I don't care if anyone doesn't like me, because at the time, no one liked me.
00:06:46.000 So it didn't matter.
00:06:47.000 I was like, no one likes me.
00:06:48.000 I don't have friends anyways.
00:06:50.000 So let me just try to get better.
00:06:52.000 And now that I've got, you know, a core group of family and friends, it's like, even if I make a mistake and all my fans leave me, or followers leave me, or listeners stop listening, I still have people that care.
00:07:03.000 And having that awareness that people are still going to care, no matter how much I mess up, gives me the permission to go try something new.
00:07:11.000 And I think that's the key.
00:07:12.000 It allows me to be adventurous, to wonder, to try and fail and make mistakes.
00:07:18.000 And those who aren't willing to make mistakes, I think, are going to be stuck at some point in their life.
00:07:23.000 Yeah, it's really interesting because you and I are opposites in a lot of ways.
00:07:25.000 But in this way, we're very similar.
00:07:26.000 I mean, it sounds like.
00:07:27.000 When I was growing up, I obviously didn't have tons of friends.
00:07:29.000 I was kind of isolated.
00:07:30.000 I had my family specifically.
00:07:32.000 And it's painful at the time.
00:07:34.000 But you also sort of learn that it's your job to forge forth.
00:07:37.000 And if people never seem to care about you, you tend not to care about what they think very much in the long run.
00:07:44.000 How did you deal with that when you were a kid, being not the most popular kid?
00:07:47.000 I didn't deal with it well.
00:07:51.000 It struggled because all I wanted was friends.
00:07:54.000 That's all I wanted.
00:07:55.000 And I felt like I was constantly the outcast.
00:07:57.000 Again, originally it was because I couldn't read and write.
00:07:59.000 And when the teacher would ask us to read aloud in class, I would just stutter.
00:08:04.000 And so I would just get picked on and made fun of.
00:08:05.000 I was in the special needs classes as well. 1.00
00:08:08.000 And so I just constantly told myself that I was stupid. 1.00
00:08:11.000 Based on results. 1.00
00:08:12.000 You know, the results I was getting, I was stupid. 0.99
00:08:14.000 I was in the bottom four of my class every time we got a grade card. 0.98
00:08:18.000 I was in the bottom four because they ranked us on our grade cards.
00:08:21.000 So that didn't help.
00:08:22.000 But I used a lot of my anger and put it into being a great athlete.
00:08:27.000 I said, no one is ever going to pick on me again.
00:08:29.000 I'm going to get so big, so fast, so strong, so talented as an athlete.
00:08:35.000 that everyone's going to want me on their team.
00:08:37.000 I remember in third grade, I was picked last for a sports team.
00:08:41.000 In the class, the teacher said, OK, we're going to go out to recess.
00:08:45.000 We're going to play dodgeball.
00:08:48.000 And he picked two captains and he said, go ahead and pick one by one.
00:08:52.000 Now, I was thinking to myself, I'm a pretty good athlete.
00:08:54.000 I want to be one of the first guys picked, right?
00:08:57.000 So the two captains, they pick one by one, all the boys in the class.
00:09:01.000 There's probably 20 boys, 20 girls.
00:09:04.000 And I'm thinking to myself, man, am I really going to be the last boy picked?
00:09:07.000 This is like humiliating.
00:09:10.000 And then it comes down to the last boy, and then there was me.
00:09:13.000 And so I start walking over to the team that was next, thinking I was going to be the next one picked.
00:09:19.000 Little did I know, they started picking a girl, and the next girl, and the next girl, and the next girl, all the way until I was the last one by default.
00:09:28.000 And that really resonated with me at the time.
00:09:30.000 It really stuck with me.
00:09:31.000 It made me angry, because I felt just like there was an attack against me.
00:09:34.000 You know, they were making fun of me.
00:09:36.000 They were really singling me out.
00:09:38.000 And I remember saying after that, first off, I just dominated in that game.
00:09:41.000 I just, like, was throwing the ball at everyone, catching everything.
00:09:44.000 But I said to myself, like, never again will I get picked last.
00:09:48.000 And so I'm going to do whatever it takes to become a great athlete.
00:09:54.000 I knew I wasn't good in school, so I was like, all this energy is going to go into developing my skills as an athlete.
00:09:59.000 And that's what I did.
00:10:00.000 I started to just go all in, and I had to win at all costs. 0.98
00:10:04.000 I was a very poor loser. 0.82
00:10:08.000 And I was a bad winner. 0.90
00:10:10.000 You know, winning still wasn't enough.
00:10:12.000 I still had to, like, destroy people when I won.
00:10:15.000 And I would constantly beat myself up for the couple mistakes I would make in a game.
00:10:19.000 It didn't matter if I was the highest scorer, the MVP, I was like, yeah, but I messed that up.
00:10:24.000 And I messed that up.
00:10:25.000 So I would beat myself up for winning, and I was a sore loser when we lost.
00:10:30.000 And it just drove me to get better.
00:10:32.000 It wasn't until I was about 30 years old, actually, that I realized that I had a very big ego that I was driven to win at everything.
00:10:41.000 I was driven to win in my relationships.
00:10:43.000 I was driven to be right.
00:10:45.000 I was driven to excel in sports.
00:10:47.000 And that's when this kind of moment, you know, six years ago, five, six years ago, really came to me when I was going through this breakup and everything.
00:10:54.000 I was like, why am I still struggling?
00:10:58.000 When I have a very successful multi-million dollar business, I had a beautiful girlfriend, I have these great relationships, I've achieved all these accolades that seem good, but why am I still suffering and struggling inside?
00:11:11.000 And it wasn't until I was able to go back into, and I think we talked about this a little bit, to go back into all the times that I was, felt like I wasn't enough.
00:11:21.000 Felt like I was bullied, picked on, And just felt like I didn't believe in myself.
00:11:26.000 When I went back and all that and started to process it, that's when I started to realize why I acted the way I did.
00:11:33.000 And when I started to let go of a lot of the pain, a lot of the frustration, a lot of things I was holding on to, the forgiveness that I needed to do, That's when I finally felt free emotionally. - Yeah, I mean, there's a lot there, and it sounds like from a different angle, you and I have very similar experiences this way.
00:11:49.000 And for me, it gave me a different perspective on bullying.
00:11:53.000 So my perspective on bullying is that I hate bullies with a passion. 0.87
00:11:56.000 I think they're awful.
00:11:57.000 I think we should do everything we can to stop bullies, but it doesn't give me a lot of sympathy for necessarily folks who are bullied and then use that as an excuse not to try or to suggest that the bullying is the rationale for their future failures.
00:12:09.000 At a certain point, you got to take ownership of what happened to you and turn it around as best you can.
00:12:14.000 I mean, if we're not talking about something that is life-threatening or really debilitating.
00:12:18.000 But as somebody who was pretty viciously bullied myself, that was always fuel for the fire.
00:12:22.000 Same for me.
00:12:24.000 Right, exactly.
00:12:25.000 And I think that that is what I hope that's what people can treat bullying as because life is full of terrible things and terrible hardships.
00:12:32.000 It's not fair.
00:12:32.000 That's right.
00:12:33.000 And you can either react to that by trying harder or you can react to it by kind of knuckling under.
00:12:38.000 Exactly.
00:12:38.000 And I think I realized that I used the fire from like the bullying or just not feeling good enough or whatever, you know, from family challenges and struggles with my parents.
00:12:47.000 My brother was in prison for a few years and so I didn't have friends during that time either.
00:12:51.000 So I just, I had a lot of different things that I held onto and I realized that The fuel and the fire that I had to prove everyone wrong was so powerful that it worked.
00:13:03.000 It got me moving forward.
00:13:05.000 It got me to develop better skills.
00:13:06.000 I became a great athlete.
00:13:07.000 I was an All-American in two sports.
00:13:09.000 I played pro football.
00:13:10.000 All these things happened, but I still wasn't happy and feeling fulfilled.
00:13:15.000 And I was like, why isn't this working?
00:13:17.000 Like, I am doing everything by the book.
00:13:19.000 I'm working harder than everyone else.
00:13:21.000 I'm putting more time in the gym.
00:13:24.000 You know, I play by the rules.
00:13:26.000 All these things, but why am I still suffering inside?
00:13:29.000 Why am I still not feeling like it's not enough?
00:13:32.000 And it wasn't until, again, I started to really address these things and tap into all the things from my childhood and from breakups and relationships and when I started to let go, that's when I started to feel a sense of inner peace.
00:13:47.000 A lot of people who are very successful, who are big personalities, who make a lot of money, but I see them and I talk to them and there's suffering inside.
00:13:57.000 And one of the things I want to try to do is support people in overcoming that inner suffering, that pain that I think a lot of us have held on to or hold on to still.
00:14:06.000 And it's just a process.
00:14:08.000 Yeah, well, ambition and drive, it's kind of a universal asset, right? 0.91
00:14:12.000 It eats through your apathy, which is great, because it means that our normal tendency is to be apathetic and to be lazy, and when you're ambitious, it gets you up off your ass and makes you go do things.
00:14:19.000 But then you get to a certain point and the acid starts eating through the actual engine, like the engine that keeps you going. 0.94
00:14:25.000 It starts to eat you up inside, is what you're talking about.
00:14:29.000 Yeah, exactly.
00:14:29.000 And there comes a point where you realize that you actually can't dance with the gal that brought you.
00:14:33.000 That chip on your shoulder, that ambition, that's actually become now an obstacle to the happiness that you thought it was going to bring you in the first place.
00:14:40.000 It's the enemy now.
00:14:41.000 It's like the demon inside that you've got to let go of.
00:14:43.000 It's the thing that fuels you to get there, but it's not the thing that's going to help you be fulfilled.
00:14:48.000 Right, exactly.
00:14:48.000 Moments of fulfillment and happiness, but then not long term.
00:14:52.000 And I think that's what we've got to learn, I think.
00:14:54.000 So how much of this has to do with what do you consider sort of your purpose in life?
00:14:58.000 I mean, what would you consider success?
00:15:00.000 Because obviously you've had monetary success.
00:15:01.000 Yeah.
00:15:02.000 You've had success in different areas, in sports.
00:15:04.000 What do you consider success that actually makes you happy?
00:15:06.000 What's the stuff that makes you happy?
00:15:07.000 For me, it's knowing that I don't live with any regrets.
00:15:11.000 So at least giving my full effort on things that I'm That I love, that I'm excited about, that are my dreams or my fears.
00:15:17.000 It's like going all in on those things.
00:15:19.000 And if I fail, at least I know I went all in.
00:15:22.000 For me, that's one measure of success.
00:15:24.000 Another measure of success is making my family proud.
00:15:27.000 You know, and doing well by my name.
00:15:30.000 My last name, my family, the people that raised me, my siblings.
00:15:35.000 And having them really respect me.
00:15:38.000 And say, you're doing a good job.
00:15:39.000 For me, that's important.
00:15:42.000 The third thing is knowing that I left it all on the field of life and making the maximum impact on the maximum number of people.
00:15:51.000 I don't know.
00:15:52.000 I downloaded this app a few weeks ago called We Croak.
00:15:55.000 I don't know if you've heard of this. 0.94
00:15:57.000 Five times a day, it sends me a message that says you're going to die.
00:16:02.000 And I guess it's from the nation Bhutan, I think, where five times a day they celebrate their death, or they think about their death, to have them appreciate their life more.
00:16:13.000 And I'm thinking about this a lot more.
00:16:15.000 It's like, I might be gone tomorrow.
00:16:17.000 I might walk out of here, hopefully I am safe, but the rain, who knows?
00:16:21.000 And I may not be here.
00:16:23.000 Am I going to be happy with the results I have and the actions I took in this life?
00:16:27.000 So for me, It's just how can I make the maximum impact on the maximum number of people to help them live a better life.
00:16:35.000 I don't know a better mission that I could live by.
00:16:38.000 If I can help people feel better, live better, reach their potential, achieve their dreams, experience love on the deepest levels.
00:16:47.000 For me, I feel like that's a pretty good measure of success.
00:16:49.000 So I want to ask you a little bit about your family.
00:16:51.000 So you mentioned your parents and your brother.
00:16:53.000 What was your family growing up?
00:16:56.000 I mean, on one side, my parents were so loving and giving and nurturing.
00:17:03.000 But on the other side, they had their challenges.
00:17:06.000 There was a lot of arguments and fighting and passive-aggressive energy in the home.
00:17:10.000 I was the youngest of four.
00:17:12.000 At eight years old, my brother went to prison for four years for selling some drugs to an undercover cop when he was in college.
00:17:18.000 And the war on drugs in the 90s was a big deal, so they were just putting people away no matter what they did.
00:17:23.000 And, you know, when I was five, not to get too deep, but when I was five, I was raped by a man.
00:17:30.000 And it was a very dark time.
00:17:33.000 It was very dark because It really shaped my entire life.
00:17:38.000 This one moment where I was sexually abused, it made me very defensive anytime I felt like someone was trying to attack me.
00:17:47.000 And that was very challenging growing up in Ohio as a straight man.
00:17:52.000 You know, I was also very I would say I love to be around, like, my teammate brothers, right?
00:18:01.000 I love to, like, high-five them and put my arm around guys and just, like, be a loving brother, right? 0.99
00:18:07.000 But anytime I showed any type of connection, just, like, as a brother, non-intimate in any way, it was just, like, don't be a fag, don't be gay, don't be this. 0.99
00:18:18.000 It was always, like, bad. 0.99
00:18:21.000 That, coupled with the bullying, coupled with just being made fun of.
00:18:24.000 You know, I was almost this tall when I was like 10 years old, so I was just like this gangly, goofy kid.
00:18:29.000 So I always felt under attack.
00:18:31.000 That's the story I told myself.
00:18:34.000 And it wasn't until I was able to, at 30 years old, start to process... I never told anyone about being raped.
00:18:40.000 Because I always felt so ashamed.
00:18:42.000 I felt so guilty.
00:18:43.000 I felt like no one was going to love me.
00:18:44.000 No one was going to accept me.
00:18:45.000 They were going to blame me.
00:18:47.000 They were going to make fun of me.
00:18:49.000 It was going to hurt my business.
00:18:50.000 Everyone was going to laugh at me.
00:18:52.000 And it wasn't until I was 30, five years ago, that I started to open up about it and talk about it.
00:18:57.000 And it was the scariest thing I've ever done.
00:18:59.000 But it was also the most freeing thing I've ever done.
00:19:02.000 Because people did embrace me.
00:19:04.000 They did accept me.
00:19:05.000 And it brought me closer to people than I ever thought it would.
00:19:08.000 You know, when I shared it with my family members.
00:19:12.000 They were all in shock and sad and hurt, but they also started to open up in powerful, beautiful ways with me about things I never knew about them.
00:19:21.000 And so we created a better connection and intimacy.
00:19:24.000 When I shared it with my friends, same thing happened.
00:19:26.000 They were just there for me even more, and we built more trust.
00:19:31.000 I decided to publicly open up about it on my podcast five years ago, about four and a half years ago.
00:19:37.000 And I remember saying, this is gonna ruin my career.
00:19:40.000 I don't know any other white, straight, jock personality who's opened up about being sexually abused.
00:19:48.000 And there's no model for me to follow this.
00:19:51.000 But I felt like the more I was telling people one-on-one The more healing it was creating for them as well.
00:19:57.000 And people are opening up to me about their pain and their shame and their guilt and insecurities.
00:20:02.000 And the more I started to research about how men are causing so much pain in the world, so much suffering, because they're not just opening up about their shame, I said I gotta do something about this.
00:20:11.000 And even if I lose all my followers and all my money is gone, I feel like at least I lived part of a mission and a purpose that I was here to do.
00:20:19.000 And when I opened up about it, it blew my mind the emails I got.
00:20:24.000 Hundreds of emails from men who were 50 years old that said, I have four kids and a wife, no one knows.
00:20:30.000 This happened to me when I was 11.
00:20:32.000 This happened to me when I was 6, when I was 12, when I was 5.
00:20:36.000 And people just opened up one by one.
00:20:38.000 I became someone they could share with, I guess.
00:20:41.000 Someone they could trust.
00:20:43.000 And the healing that happened after that for a lot of these men just really inspired me.
00:20:47.000 And that's why I started to talk about it more.
00:20:48.000 That's why I wrote a book about men just opening up and having a safe space to share these things.
00:20:54.000 It doesn't have to be with the world, but just with your spouse or a close friend or someone at the church or a therapist or someone you can trust to start opening up about the things that you're most ashamed of, most hurt by, and the things you're angry about.
00:21:09.000 Because I just feel like there's a lot of pain in the world.
00:21:13.000 There's a lot of anger and there's a lot of hate.
00:21:14.000 And if we can eliminate that, then we can all be more free.
00:21:17.000 Have you gotten any blowback from having told those stories?
00:21:21.000 I don't think I really did.
00:21:23.000 I think maybe there was like a couple people that were, I don't know, hurt or offended by me sharing.
00:21:29.000 But it was so overwhelmingly positive that I didn't even really recognize it.
00:21:34.000 It was maybe a couple people saying I shouldn't have said it a certain way, but it's been life-changing for me, but also for other people.
00:21:41.000 So I just continue to talk about it.
00:21:43.000 And also that experience now no longer has control over me, where it used to define me.
00:21:48.000 It used to be anytime I felt attacked, I would go after and want to fight someone, whether it be Online, physically, I just would want to fight people.
00:21:58.000 And that's not a good way to live life, just constantly like trying to attack someone.
00:22:01.000 It's really fascinating because obviously we live in this Me Too moment where a lot of people are worried about exactly this kind of stuff, the abuse of women, the abuse of men, the sexual abuse of people.
00:22:10.000 And there seems to be a baseline assumption that most Americans are somehow not sympathetic, that there needs to be a massive mind shift in how most Americans think about this stuff.
00:22:18.000 I mean, I'm coming at a different angle because, thank God, that never happened to me, but it seems to me that that may be exaggerated, that most Americans are really not looking to jump down the throat of somebody who is abused, that most Americans are on the side of people who are abused and are looking to figure out exactly how they can help.
00:22:34.000 Yeah, I think the statistic right now is one in four women have been sexually abused, and one in six men have been sexually abused, or six boys, that we know of.
00:22:45.000 And so the challenge is that this is happening more frequently than we realize.
00:22:50.000 It's probably happening to someone that you know, close to you.
00:22:52.000 If you've got five guy friends, chances are one of you has experienced this.
00:22:57.000 And I think it just lets us know that, like, There's a lot more things that have happened to people that we're not even aware of because people aren't talking about it.
00:23:04.000 And people are ashamed, they're insecure, they're afraid of what people are going to say.
00:23:08.000 They don't want to be rejected for what people know about them.
00:23:11.000 And I think we suffer when we hold these things in.
00:23:15.000 We suffer, we struggle, and we start to make poor decisions when we're emotionally triggered, when we're under attack emotionally or physically.
00:23:24.000 We're less peaceful in our responses.
00:23:26.000 I think that's what this is all about.
00:23:28.000 It's like how can we come together more as a world, as a humanity, to serve a greater purpose of why we're all here, you know?
00:23:37.000 Less attacking.
00:23:39.000 And more service.
00:23:40.000 So you talk about some of this in your new book, The Mask of Masculinity, specifically talking about, you know, vulnerability and all this.
00:23:46.000 What do you think the mask is?
00:23:47.000 I mean, when you refer to the mask of masculinity, what is that mask?
00:23:50.000 I think we all wear different masks.
00:23:51.000 You know, I wore the athlete mask and the know-it-all mask.
00:23:55.000 You know, there's some people, some guys have the joker mask, who are always the funny guys, who are always like the laugh of the party.
00:24:02.000 There's the invincible mask, the guy that just takes on every challenge, who's just like the daredevil, who thinks he's never going to get hurt.
00:24:09.000 We put on these masks to essentially try to fit in.
00:24:12.000 You know, I wore this athlete mask and this egoic know-it-all mask because I wanted to prove my worthiness and acceptance of other people.
00:24:21.000 Whether it was girls, guys, teachers, coaches, it didn't matter.
00:24:25.000 Trying to prove something based on insecurity.
00:24:28.000 When we reveal ourselves, when we take off the mask, and we realize, oh, this is actually really scary, when someone sees all of us, when we stop protecting the things that we're afraid of, and someone sees us, it's terrifying, because we're unsure of how people are going to respond.
00:24:43.000 You know, when the comedian constantly tells a funny joke, he's going to get someone to laugh, and he knows that people want to be around that.
00:24:50.000 So it's comfortable.
00:24:52.000 When I tell a joke, people are going to laugh.
00:24:54.000 I'm going to have friends.
00:24:55.000 They're going to like me.
00:24:56.000 What if I don't tell a joke for a week and people stop laughing?
00:25:01.000 Are they gonna like who I really am?
00:25:03.000 Are they gonna like what I have to say if it's not constantly making a joke or constantly doing something to prove my worth?
00:25:10.000 And I think that's what we get to learn how to be.
00:25:12.000 It's just more open.
00:25:15.000 more revealing, less surface level, less projecting our mass, our insecurities.
00:25:20.000 So that doesn't sound like it's specifically masculine or feminine.
00:25:22.000 So what do you mean when you speak about masculinity per se?
00:25:25.000 Because obviously there's a lot of talk these days about toxic masculinity or the problems with masculinity.
00:25:29.000 So what's your take on masculinity?
00:25:31.000 I think people's opinions of it.
00:25:37.000 I think we grew up with an opinion of masculinity that doesn't work fully right now.
00:25:42.000 Where you have to be strong, you have to be the provider, you have to be certain things, you have to never show emotion, you can never cry, you can never tell people how you feel.
00:25:50.000 I think some of the times that works.
00:25:53.000 You know, you want to be a provider, you want to be strong at certain times.
00:25:56.000 But there are certain times that you can also be vulnerable.
00:25:58.000 And you can shift.
00:26:00.000 In and out of it.
00:26:01.000 You don't have to be the standard of masculinity that was projected when we grew up as kids, which is like, you've got to sleep with all the girls, you've got to make lots of money, you've got to have a great job, otherwise you're not a real man.
00:26:12.000 I think that just is not accurate.
00:26:16.000 I'm not saying you should be like the softest human being in the world and cry every single day.
00:26:20.000 I don't think that works either.
00:26:22.000 But I think you get to be able to flex in and out of this toxic masculinity that doesn't serve us anymore.
00:26:28.000 In moments, yes.
00:26:29.000 Be strong.
00:26:30.000 Stand up for what you need to.
00:26:32.000 You know, fight against certain things that are unjust, but you don't have to be that way 100% of the time if it's hurting you and hurting the people around you.
00:26:40.000 So just see how you're affecting the people around you, at least the closest people around you.
00:26:44.000 If you're hurting people around you, is that ideal of masculinity good or can you shift it?
00:26:51.000 That's what I would say.
00:26:52.000 Yeah, I feel like we've sort of shifted.
00:26:53.000 It's interesting, because I feel like a lot of what people consider to be traditional masculinity is a little bit overwrought, meaning that because we've all seen movies from the 1930s and 40s, we think, OK, John Wayne, that's what masculinity was.
00:27:05.000 But the reality is that being a man was always about really protecting and providing.
00:27:10.000 These were the two things.
00:27:11.000 And maybe we moved too far in the direction of protection and providing without thinking about how we maintain our own health, our own mental, our own emotional Absolutely.
00:27:20.000 and mental sanity.
00:27:21.000 But I get the feeling from today's men that sometimes it's too far in the other direction, that we're very much focused on our own emotions and sure, we're focused on vulnerability, but we forget about responsibility and we forget about questing forth and protecting and all of these things.
00:27:33.000 Absolutely.
00:27:34.000 And that's why I think it's like, don't go the other side and just be completely forget these things.
00:27:38.000 Just like the masks, you can put them on at certain times, but don't keep them on all the time.
00:27:44.000 You know, be the funny guy in that moment that you need to be funny.
00:27:48.000 But when you're all at a funeral, or there's a very sensitive moment, don't have the mask on and be funny all the time.
00:27:54.000 Learn how to use different emotions.
00:27:56.000 Learn how to shift your energy to connect with people in the right settings.
00:28:01.000 And I think that's an evolved human being, not just a man.
00:28:04.000 That's an evolved human being who learns about their surroundings, what people are feeling, what they're going through, and knows how to shift their energy, their words, their communication in that moment.
00:28:13.000 I mean, this is one of these areas where it's so funny because you don't do politics and I do politics all the time.
00:28:17.000 Yes.
00:28:18.000 The truth is that the consensus that we have about these issues is pretty broad, and I feel like in the political world, all these false breaks happen, all these false dichotomies, where on the one hand you have Gillette doing commercials about toxic masculinity, there's one this week about how men have been bringing up boys to be bullies and sexual harassing, and on the other side you have a bunch of people saying, hold up a second, without fathers, these boys end up disasters.
00:28:43.000 That most toxic masculinity is not the result of men in boys' lives.
00:28:47.000 It's the result of men not being in boys' lives. 0.52
00:28:50.000 One day you're going to be married and have kids.
00:28:54.000 How do you expect to be the man in your boys' life?
00:28:56.000 That's a great question.
00:28:57.000 I think I'm going to have to learn from a lot of successful fathers and start asking them a lot of smart questions.
00:29:03.000 I'll start having them on my show.
00:29:05.000 But I think it's being the example and setting a standard of being responsible.
00:29:10.000 Being responsible for your actions, for the things you say, the things you do.
00:29:13.000 And I'm going to be pushing my kids to want to be the best they can be in their own way.
00:29:19.000 But also, I remember my father would, he would cry at different times in movies.
00:29:24.000 I remember like every three or four months, I would see him cry.
00:29:27.000 And on one side, the kids in my school, if you cried in school, you were just made fun of and picked on.
00:29:34.000 So I would never show emotion growing up because I didn't want my friends to pick on me even more than I was being bullied.
00:29:40.000 But I would see my father, tear up during movies or in an emotional moment in our family, I would see him cry in a very sensitive way.
00:29:49.000 And yet here he was, this strong provider, very strong, large in the life, big guy.
00:29:56.000 He was actually an insurance salesman, you know, plugged to your insurance ad in the beginning.
00:30:01.000 Very successful insurance, made a lot of money, father of four, married for 30 years.
00:30:08.000 And here he was showing emotion.
00:30:10.000 In a time back in the 80s and 90s where that wasn't really acceptable.
00:30:15.000 And I never saw that from other parents.
00:30:17.000 And so it gave me a model that said, okay, you can still be strong, but also like allow for emotion to come out when you feel it.
00:30:27.000 And not just bottle it all up and feel stressed and feel overwhelmed and anxious because you're not expressing that.
00:30:35.000 No, I didn't see him crying every day and out in public and all these other things.
00:30:38.000 It was in like certain settings.
00:30:39.000 But for me, I thought that was really important to model that.
00:30:42.000 To just say, hey, if you have a feeling, you can express your feelings and it's okay.
00:30:47.000 So I think I'll be expressive to my kids as well in that way.
00:30:49.000 And I want them to feel extremely loved and supportive.
00:30:53.000 So that I remember I was interviewing Kobe Bryant and he said, The first year he got into basketball, there was a summer he got into basketball when he was like 12 years old or something, and he didn't score a single point the whole summer.
00:31:08.000 And he went on to become one of the greatest basketball players and arguably athletes of all time.
00:31:12.000 And I said, how did you go into playing?
00:31:17.000 And what was the greatest lesson that your father taught you that made you so dominant?
00:31:21.000 And he said to Kobe, he said that no matter whether he scores or doesn't score, wins or loses, he's going to love him the same way.
00:31:30.000 And Kobe said that gave him permission to go and fail and go and pursue it even harder because he knew that his father was going to love him no matter what.
00:31:39.000 I think there's a lot of parents that base their love on performance and results.
00:31:44.000 And they hold back sometimes if they didn't get the result that they wish that their kids got.
00:31:51.000 Learning more lessons like that, like making sure you love your kids no matter what.
00:31:54.000 So I know you're an apolitical guy.
00:31:55.000 It seems like these days pretty much every topic, for some reason or other, becomes political.
00:31:59.000 It doesn't seem to matter what it is, whether it's the sporting world, whether it's the advertising world.
00:32:04.000 So I'm not going to ask you how you vote because, frankly, it's your business.
00:32:07.000 But, you know, if you had any sort of core political convictions about what government should be doing, do you have any sort of political convictions on this sort of stuff?
00:32:14.000 I know the least about politics and any terminology and any parties, what they're doing.
00:32:20.000 I really don't watch much news.
00:32:24.000 Give me a specific question maybe of like, I just want people to come together and love each other more.
00:32:31.000 As weird as that sounds, I want people to fight less and feel free to pursue what they want.
00:32:37.000 And so whatever government supports that.
00:32:41.000 Where it's, I think a government that inspires people to pursue what they want, to be more productive, to be more loving, to be more inclusive, to be less, to hate people less.
00:32:54.000 I think that's what we need.
00:32:55.000 You know, all the taxes and this and that, it's like, I spend so much money on taxes, but I feel like it's the price I pay to have the freedoms here in California and opportunities, that I'm just like, whatever, I gotta pay whatever I have to pay, and it gives me the opportunity.
00:33:09.000 Not as much as you're paying.
00:33:10.000 The answer is you don't have to pay as much as you're paying for those opportunities.
00:33:12.000 Sure, I wish I didn't have to.
00:33:15.000 Don't worry, it's just California.
00:33:16.000 But in any case, the reason I ask that is because where I come from, what you're doing, which is an attempt to build social fabric, all that stuff seems to be stuff that we really do outside of government.
00:33:26.000 So you mentioned the idea that a government that can foster this stuff.
00:33:30.000 I'll be honest, I've never seen a government that's capable of fostering this stuff.
00:33:33.000 What do we need to do in order to make that happen?
00:33:34.000 I mean, I don't think that the government is capable of that.
00:33:36.000 Meaning that I think the connections that we have with the people around us, the connections with our family, the connections with our friends, all that happens in the absence of government.
00:33:44.000 That when government comes in and tries to get between me and my family or make decisions for us.
00:33:49.000 What they're doing instead is they're preventing me from building the communities that I want to build.
00:33:54.000 And so what you're doing, and we'll take it back inside of politics here, what you're doing in building social fabric is actually a social good on a political level.
00:34:02.000 Because without that social fabric where we're all connected, then you do need a government to come in and artificially build a reason for us all to be in the same place at the same time.
00:34:11.000 There you go.
00:34:11.000 if we were able to voluntarily get together, see each other as brothers and sisters as opposed to enemies, then you don't need government to put its heavy foot down and try and compel things from the top down.
00:34:20.000 Right.
00:34:20.000 That's sort of the viewpoint in any case.
00:34:22.000 There you go.
00:34:23.000 I have a lot to learn from you.
00:34:24.000 Okay.
00:34:25.000 So let me ask you about sort of your religious background.
00:34:28.000 So you're obviously a very will-driven guy.
00:34:31.000 A lot of your advice is about sort of jumping in and taking them all by the horns, and you have the power to do certain things.
00:34:38.000 So where are you on a religious level?
00:34:41.000 I grew up in a religion called Christian Science.
00:34:43.000 Have you ever heard of this religion?
00:34:44.000 It's a very small religion, and for me, I still don't fully understand it.
00:34:50.000 I don't go to church necessarily anymore, maybe once a year, once or twice a year, but I remember going to church every week, and every Wednesday night, there were these things called Wednesday night testimonials, where people would talk about the healings they had from From the practice of the religion.
00:35:08.000 And the religion was founded by a woman, Mary Baker Eddy.
00:35:12.000 And what I really took from the religion is that it's all about mind over matter.
00:35:17.000 Everything that I learned was your thoughts and your ideas shape your reality.
00:35:23.000 And we are all spiritual beings.
00:35:25.000 That means we're not actually physically here.
00:35:28.000 Just an idea.
00:35:29.000 And therefore, an idea can never be physically hurt.
00:35:33.000 And it was always very confusing because I was like, well, what is this?
00:35:36.000 This feels real, right?
00:35:37.000 It's like I have these desires, these urges.
00:35:39.000 But it worked for me very well in sports.
00:35:42.000 And whenever I was in conflict, I was just like, I'm just an idea.
00:35:46.000 And if I have an idea, and I continue to build the belief of the idea strong, then I can do anything.
00:35:52.000 And anytime I was hurt or injured, my mindset was stronger than my physical body, to where it gave me the advantage in games and in sports.
00:36:01.000 It allowed me to push myself so far, because I just believed I was an idea that could never be hurt.
00:36:08.000 And again, there's certain things about the religion that I really love and certain things that I don't understand still, and that's why I'm not constantly practicing it, but it gave me a great foundation to Continue to ask questions about why we're here and the purpose of it all.
00:36:25.000 And while I'm here, I might as well make the most of it and be a good idea as opposed to a bad one.
00:36:33.000 So what's your day like on a daily basis?
00:36:35.000 I mean, do you get up in leadership all day or how does that work?
00:36:39.000 No, no, I get up and I think the body is important though.
00:36:41.000 Even though I focus on the mind a lot, I try to push the mind through pushing the body.
00:36:46.000 So I get up and I train, usually either with a trainer or I do a class or something in the morning.
00:36:50.000 I meditate, which is the same thing as prayer as me.
00:36:53.000 It's really just focusing on how I can be a better person this day and how I can serve humanity at a higher level.
00:36:58.000 I really look at myself as a servant to my skill sets.
00:37:03.000 Like, how can I serve people?
00:37:04.000 How can I serve my audience?
00:37:06.000 And I really look at that as a definition of masculinity.
00:37:08.000 It's someone who's in service.
00:37:10.000 And that's what I look at it.
00:37:12.000 And for me, it doesn't matter what shape it takes, as long as I'm helping people improve their lives.
00:37:18.000 That's my whole mission every single day.
00:37:21.000 So I work out, I meditate or pray, whatever you want to call it, and I really focus on how I'm going to do that that day.
00:37:27.000 My mission is to serve 100 million people every single week.
00:37:30.000 I'm nowhere close to it now, but that's the goal that I'm working towards.
00:37:35.000 And I do a lot of what you do.
00:37:37.000 I'm interviewing people.
00:37:38.000 I'm working on a couple of books right now.
00:37:40.000 I'm filming documentaries.
00:37:42.000 I'm doing different media content to try to spread the message of that service and reach those people.
00:37:48.000 So you talked a little bit earlier about your fears and how to overcome them.
00:37:52.000 Right now, what are your greatest fears?
00:37:56.000 Man.
00:37:59.000 I think I'm learning to... I'm going to have to learn from you on how you do this because I've never really gotten a lot of criticism.
00:38:07.000 I've never really gotten a lot of criticism until recently.
00:38:12.000 Not because of you.
00:38:13.000 Although I didn't help.
00:38:14.000 Yeah, yeah.
00:38:15.000 I mean, I got some stuff there, but just like people are starting to attack my character, attack my whole life's work for one or two things that they didn't agree with, let's say.
00:38:27.000 And I've never really had to face that on a large scale.
00:38:30.000 I faced it on smaller scale.
00:38:32.000 But when people start attacking me and start spamming online, things that are rumors are not true, and then people start to believe that, it's just kind of like, man, I guess it just happens for everyone as they continue to have a bigger audience.
00:38:49.000 And so I'm trying to learn that this is going to happen.
00:38:52.000 I saw The Rock, who I'm actually a big fan of, had something like every news outlet talked about how he There was an interview where he talked about millennials or something.
00:39:00.000 Yeah, he was ripping on snowflakes.
00:39:02.000 For those on the right, we were real happy about it.
00:39:04.000 But then it turned out he never gave the interview.
00:39:05.000 Right, it was never him or something.
00:39:06.000 And it's just like, no matter how good... And I feel like the guy is constantly trying to do good in the world.
00:39:12.000 Yeah, I agree.
00:39:12.000 Constantly spreading positivity and giving back.
00:39:15.000 It doesn't matter how much good you try to do, someone wants to see you fail.
00:39:19.000 Someone wants to see you fall.
00:39:21.000 Someone is jealous.
00:39:22.000 Someone is so insecure that they try to attack you.
00:39:25.000 And I just wish the world wasn't that way, but it is.
00:39:29.000 And so my fear is learning how to navigate that.
00:39:32.000 And that's why I'm like, maybe I'll have some conversations with you off camera to see how you've handled it and managed it emotionally.
00:39:38.000 Because it's something that's happened recently that I'm like, okay, this is new.
00:39:42.000 And I feel like I'm moving through it pretty well, but I'm just not sure Man, is this going to be happening for the rest of my life?
00:39:49.000 Yeah.
00:39:50.000 I mean, the answer is yes.
00:39:51.000 And how do you handle it?
00:39:52.000 I mean, when you get someone who's like attacking all of your character, all of your life's work, all the things you've done well.
00:39:57.000 You know, it's very difficult because when you're young, especially because we had this common history being bullied, at the very least, what you learn is that you have to really grow a hard shell.
00:40:06.000 And then as you get older, you're like, okay, but I want the hard shell, but I also want, you know, I want to be like a Soberford.
00:40:11.000 I want to have like the soft center where Yeah. 0.97
00:40:13.000 To my friends and family, I'm soft.
00:40:15.000 Also, I can take criticism, so the shell's not completely impermeable.
00:40:18.000 I want people to be able to make a critique of me, and I want to be able to accept that critique and internalize it and give feedback.
00:40:24.000 And if you're a good person, you're constantly trying to make yourself better along the way.
00:40:27.000 But there's a lot of bad faith criticism that happens, and that's why I think that in the end, and this is the part of my life that I've reached now, is that you have to actually develop a core that is not permeable.
00:40:39.000 So there's the stuff that you actually believe so strongly that that's not actually permeable, where criticism actually has to bounce off it.
00:40:45.000 So there's this outer layer of most things bounce off, and then there's an inner layer, which is, okay, I accept some of this criticism and some of it that I don't.
00:40:53.000 It's more of a filter.
00:40:54.000 And then there's this hard core of principle that no one can invade, and if they invade that, it's rejected out of hand.
00:41:00.000 And trying to figure that out is a really hard barrier because it's a hard balance.
00:41:04.000 You want to make sure that that barrier isn't too large so that you can't accept criticism or so that you can't be sensitive to other people.
00:41:11.000 But you want to make sure that it's there because if it's not there, then you just get shot right through it, right?
00:41:14.000 It goes through one side and out the other, and it mortally wounds you.
00:41:17.000 And that's really difficult because, you know, there's no way it doesn't hurt.
00:41:22.000 Of course it hurts.
00:41:24.000 Anytime you're under attack for something you feel like is unjust, it doesn't matter how good you're trying to be, it's like, why?
00:41:30.000 Why are these people so, you know?
00:41:33.000 Yeah, and usually what you find is it's somebody else's insecurity that is driving all of it.
00:41:36.000 Of course.
00:41:37.000 They're jealous, or they're insecure, they want to see, whatever it may be.
00:41:39.000 Right, they want to see you go down because they have a problem with you, but it's bad faith, but the bad faith is really rooted in something that happened to them ten years ago.
00:41:45.000 Or they're not taking the actions they wish they were taking.
00:41:48.000 Right, exactly.
00:41:48.000 And that helps to a certain extent, but it really does mean that you have to, I think, that that core also includes other people, meaning that one of the ways to make sure that that core is the correct size and strength is to make sure that you actually have no men around you.
00:42:05.000 I think bad leaders surround themselves with yes men.
00:42:07.000 Bad leaders surround themselves with people who are telling them they're doing the right thing all the time.
00:42:11.000 Good leaders surround themselves with no men, saying you're not allowed to do this, you're not allowed to do that.
00:42:15.000 But also, You know, are not constantly opposed to everything you do.
00:42:18.000 They're trying to guard you from yourself, and they're also trying to protect you at the same time.
00:42:23.000 So getting feedback from a group of people you actually trust is difficult.
00:42:25.000 That's why it's hard to find great friends.
00:42:27.000 I told you when I was on your show, I'm not a friends person, because I think that most friends have interests that are disparate from yours.
00:42:33.000 I mean, they have their own lives, they have their own priorities, and sometimes that conflicts.
00:42:37.000 But, you know, for me, my core is my wife, my kids, my parents.
00:42:43.000 And that's pretty much it, right?
00:42:44.000 And then I have like a couple of very close friends who really, maybe only one really close friend, who I bounce things off of.
00:42:50.000 And then a bunch of people who I take their advice under advisement.
00:42:52.000 But, you know, I think that that's necessary.
00:42:56.000 You do have to have that hardcore because if it's not there, then you will get blown away.
00:43:00.000 I mean, as you get bigger, the pressures grow larger.
00:43:03.000 I mean, there's just more weight.
00:43:04.000 There's just more weight.
00:43:04.000 And we live in an ugly time, right?
00:43:06.000 I mean, people are going to go through everything you ever said, everything you ever did.
00:43:09.000 They're going to dig up everything, every person you ever talked to.
00:43:12.000 That's crazy.
00:43:15.000 So that's where I'm at right now, is figuring out how to navigate that.
00:43:20.000 And I'm also, like, actually appreciative and grateful for it because I'm like, you know, everyone's going to have that after doing something positive.
00:43:27.000 - Right, and it gives you an opportunity also to sort of clean your plate of it, meaning that something comes up from 10 years ago you feel bad about, it comes up and you're like, right, I screwed that up.
00:43:34.000 - Exactly. - And now I have the opportunity to just move that aside. - So taking responsibility for everything and also purging people.
00:43:39.000 You know, I'm just like purging people, like followers who are just taking the assumptions of rumors and saying, oh, you're this bad guy now because of this thing or whatever.
00:43:47.000 I'm like, okay, well, if that's what you want to believe, I'm sorry to see you go.
00:43:50.000 So how do you, I mean, you're in the social media world.
00:43:52.000 How do you handle social media?
00:43:53.000 Cause I feel like it's eating my life.
00:43:54.000 So how do you deal with it?
00:43:55.000 It's tough.
00:43:56.000 I think this has actually been a good time since I've had like some of these spammers come out of the woodwork over the last, whatever, a few months.
00:44:03.000 I've removed myself from reading it.
00:44:06.000 I have a team that's working on it that just sees all this stuff and just deletes and blocks people right away.
00:44:10.000 And I think that's powerful for me.
00:44:12.000 It's like removing myself from the day-to-day of being on Instagram and allowing other people to do that so I can focus on the bigger mission.
00:44:20.000 And that's been really helpful is having that.
00:44:22.000 Before I answer more, I was curious, what is the third layer core for you?
00:44:26.000 You said there's three layers.
00:44:27.000 What's the one or two beliefs that you hold on to no matter what?
00:44:32.000 In the center, that's like nothing will penetrate those things for you.
00:44:35.000 Well, I think honestly for anyone, you have to believe that you are well-intentioned.
00:44:41.000 Yeah.
00:44:42.000 If you don't believe that you're well-intentioned, then you're going to collapse, right?
00:44:45.000 If you believe that what you're actually motivated by is greed or by fame or something else, exactly.
00:44:53.000 But for most people, it really is fame and money, right?
00:44:55.000 Fame and money or personal love.
00:44:57.000 If you're motivated by any of those three things, you get yourself in real trouble.
00:45:01.000 If you feel like you're motivated by something that's true, that you actually want the best for the world, you want the best for other people, then when somebody attacks you, it's like, well, that's just not true.
00:45:08.000 - Yeah. - You can just reject that out of town.
00:45:10.000 It would be like if somebody said to me, "You don't love your wife." He'd be like, "That's just silly." - That's true, yeah. - I wouldn't even get angry.
00:45:15.000 It's just like, that's just silly.
00:45:17.000 It's like saying, if somebody said to me, "You don't love your kids." It'd be like, that's just, things that are just not true bounce off of you.
00:45:22.000 It's the stuff that feels like, that niggles at you in your mind. - Yeah. - That you feel like, maybe it's half true. 0.81
00:45:27.000 Like, am I doing that because I'm pandering?
00:45:28.000 Am I doing that because I'm not doing that?
00:45:29.000 I'm just trying to be successful.
00:45:30.000 Am I doing that?
00:45:31.000 Because that's the stuff that bothers you.
00:45:33.000 And so you have to wake up, and that's what allows you to be a good person is cleansing those influences.
00:45:38.000 Not just the outside criticism, but cleansing yourself of those feelings.
00:45:41.000 Maybe I am doing it because I'm doing it for bad reasons.
00:45:44.000 Okay, so then I have to not do that.
00:45:46.000 And that makes me better.
00:45:47.000 And that allows me to keep that core intact.
00:45:49.000 So the core is not that you're stubborn in not seeing the criticism.
00:45:53.000 It's that in order to maintain that core honestly, you actually have to keep polishing it.
00:45:57.000 That core has to be polished on a regular basis. - And constantly reflecting.
00:46:00.000 Yeah.
00:46:02.000 As I get older, I'm spending more time reflecting and less time projecting.
00:46:06.000 And I think that's something I've been trying to work on.
00:46:09.000 It's difficult.
00:46:10.000 It's rough.
00:46:11.000 Okay, so back to relationships.
00:46:13.000 So you've been dating a lot more recently than I have.
00:46:15.000 My dating experience is basically none.
00:46:18.000 And then met my wife, three months of dating, proposal, marriage, 11 years of marriage in July.
00:46:23.000 Two kids, right?
00:46:25.000 Two kids, yeah, exactly.
00:46:26.000 It was all very, it was the purpose-driven dating.
00:46:30.000 Yeah, I like that.
00:46:31.000 It was basically, I knew I was going to get married, so I was dating for marriage.
00:46:34.000 Obviously, you have been through more relationships and more dating experience than I have.
00:46:39.000 What's your advice for guys who are trying to date in today's world?
00:46:42.000 Oh, my gosh.
00:46:44.000 I think the more you work on yourself and your inner confidence, the easier it'll be.
00:46:52.000 The less you'll have to, like, make things up, the less you're gonna have to say some certain line.
00:46:57.000 You're just gonna be yourself because you're working on yourself.
00:47:00.000 The more confident you are, the more you're going to attract a confident individual.
00:47:05.000 And so, I would just keep it relaxed.
00:47:08.000 You know, for me, I would keep it relaxed.
00:47:10.000 Don't try to work so hard at it.
00:47:13.000 But also give yourself a challenge to put yourself out there.
00:47:16.000 You know, whether it's every day I'm going to talk to someone who I think is interesting, whether it be online or someone I meet at a coffee shop, I'm going to give myself the challenge to potentially get rejected.
00:47:25.000 And the more you do that, you're going to build confidence because you're going to learn how to communicate to people better who you're curious about or attracted to.
00:47:33.000 And I remember when I was 16, I was terrified to speak to girls.
00:47:38.000 Couldn't speak to girls because I was afraid, I was insecure, I felt stupid, all these things.
00:47:42.000 And I gave myself that challenge when I was 16 in the summer.
00:47:45.000 I said, anytime there's a girl that I'm attracted to or I think is cute, I'm going to walk right up to them and have a conversation. 0.94
00:47:54.000 And I never could do that before.
00:47:58.000 And it was terrifying to me.
00:48:00.000 And the first couple of weeks, I just got rejected over and over.
00:48:02.000 Girls laughed at me.
00:48:03.000 Girls ran away from me. 0.98
00:48:04.000 And all these things happened.
00:48:05.000 My worst nightmare happened.
00:48:07.000 But little by little, I was like, oh, I'm never going to see that person again.
00:48:10.000 It doesn't matter.
00:48:11.000 Right?
00:48:12.000 Like, it's OK to get rejected.
00:48:13.000 Let me just go back again.
00:48:14.000 And knowing that I'm going to fail, it made it more easier for me to be confident the next time.
00:48:20.000 So that's what I would say, is give yourself a challenge.
00:48:24.000 Be more of yourself by working on yourself and increasing your confidence with different skills that you want to learn.
00:48:30.000 And you're going to project real confidence as opposed to some pickup line.
00:48:34.000 And you're going to attract the right people.
00:48:36.000 Yeah.
00:48:36.000 So this is one of those areas where, you know, I didn't, as I say, I haven't had a lot of dating experience, but the dating experience that I did have was extraordinarily productive.
00:48:44.000 So I batted basically a thousand in my dating life because I didn't date very much at all.
00:48:48.000 And then I dated and I got married and it's great.
00:48:51.000 One final piece of advice that I had from a great relationship coach for women who came on my show, his name is Matt Hussey.
00:48:58.000 He said, if you want to attract the right partner, create a list of all the things you want from those people.
00:49:03.000 You know, everything.
00:49:04.000 Write it down.
00:49:05.000 Everything you want to attract from that person, And then become those things.
00:49:08.000 Exactly.
00:49:08.000 This is exactly right.
00:49:10.000 And when I see guys who are whining about they can't get a date, very often it's because you don't deserve a date, man.
00:49:14.000 No.
00:49:15.000 I mean, it's because you haven't made yourself a person who is dateable.
00:49:17.000 Exactly.
00:49:17.000 And it happens for women too.
00:49:19.000 You see people who rail against reality.
00:49:21.000 This is one of my pet peeves just in life that I've been dating too, is people who rail against the reality.
00:49:25.000 So you'll see somebody who's not in shape and they're railing, they're not finding enough attractive partners.
00:49:29.000 And it's like, well, why don't you go to the gym?
00:49:30.000 Work on yourself.
00:49:31.000 It's not somebody else's responsibility to be attracted to you.
00:49:34.000 Yeah.
00:49:34.000 Right?
00:49:35.000 It's your responsibility to make yourself attractive if you want this thing.
00:49:38.000 I mean, in any other area of life, you would recognize this.
00:49:41.000 And there's a lot of people that are just like saying, just love yourself for who you are.
00:49:45.000 Yes.
00:49:46.000 And continue to work on yourself every single day. 1.00
00:49:48.000 I mean, maybe you suck. 1.00
00:49:49.000 Right, right. 1.00
00:49:50.000 Because you can love yourself for who you are and where you're at and all the things you've done in your life, but that's not going to get you where you want to be.
00:49:56.000 Right, it doesn't mean everybody else has to love you.
00:49:57.000 Exactly.
00:49:58.000 I mean, you loving yourself is not the same.
00:49:59.000 It doesn't mean you're going to attract what you want.
00:50:01.000 You've got to continue to work on yourself.
00:50:02.000 Yeah, exactly.
00:50:03.000 And I think that this is, it's one of those areas where, again, it's easier to project out into the world what you'd like than for you to actually make yourself into something useful to somebody else.
00:50:15.000 Yeah, desirable and attractive, yeah.
00:50:16.000 Yeah, and I also think that we have, as a society, set up certain barriers and expectations.
00:50:21.000 I think that men think that women, for example, don't actually want them to be straightforward.
00:50:26.000 We've watched too many movies where it's like somebody becomes friends with the girl and then ends up with the girl.
00:50:31.000 And the best way to get friend-zoned is to actually become friends with the girl first.
00:50:34.000 I've never been a fan of this particular strategy.
00:50:36.000 Be straightforward.
00:50:38.000 I see these guys and they're dating in groups.
00:50:40.000 You'll see guys and girls go out in groups together.
00:50:42.000 I'm thinking, what are you doing?
00:50:43.000 What are you doing?
00:50:45.000 Maybe this is just because I have a wonderful wife.
00:50:47.000 And you would direct.
00:50:48.000 You're like, I'm looking to get married.
00:50:50.000 Are you ready?
00:50:50.000 This is pretty much it.
00:50:51.000 Yeah, I mean, I'm the first date.
00:50:54.000 But it was really, there's this, I think the culture right now, because we've created this fear between the sexes, where women are very much afraid that men are going to victimize them, and men are afraid of being rejected by women and destroyed by women, that what it's created is this dearth of men who are willing to just walk up to a woman and ask her on a date.
00:51:13.000 Yeah.
00:51:15.000 All the women I talked to said that they would like that. 0.73
00:51:24.000 There's only maybe one or two women who are like, yeah, I don't want anyone to come up to me when I'm alone at a coffee shop. 1.00
00:51:29.000 It's very rare.
00:51:30.000 I've heard it a couple of times.
00:51:31.000 It's very rare.
00:51:32.000 Most women are like, no one talks to me anymore. 1.00
00:51:35.000 Or the only way they talk to me is just by liking a photo on Instagram because it's like the safe way.
00:51:39.000 It's from a distance.
00:51:40.000 But I wish someone would come up to me.
00:51:41.000 I wish someone would talk to me.
00:51:43.000 It doesn't mean you have to be sleazy and hit on someone.
00:51:45.000 You can just have a conversation, be a human being.
00:51:47.000 And I think we've lost the art of just human connection between the sexes.
00:51:52.000 What do you think is the best way to meet somebody so I had it easy my sister fixed me up with my wife I don't think it should be easy.
00:51:58.000 I think you should challenge yourself That's why it's like people are taking the the swipe left and swipe right approach with I've heard great stories of people finding marriages and relationships from that But I think we're afraid to get rejected so much that we hide behind other layers to try to meet someone again Not wrong.
00:52:17.000 I just think It's going to feel that much better when you do the hard work.
00:52:22.000 Anytime you do the challenging, scary hard work, you're going to feel more proud of yourself.
00:52:27.000 It's not easy.
00:52:27.000 I'm not saying it's going to be fun when you get rejected 10 times in a row, but I think you learn how to become a better person through that process of rejection.
00:52:36.000 And that's what makes you a better human being. - So random question for you, since you're a sports guy.
00:52:40.000 So I need to ask you, since you did play actual professional football, do you think that there is a, I know, random question, is there a future to football?
00:52:47.000 Are people gonna let their kids play football?
00:52:49.000 Would you let your kids play football? - That's a good question.
00:52:51.000 My mom wouldn't let me play until I was 15.
00:52:54.000 And I pretty much just said, I'm doing this.
00:52:55.000 You know, looking back, I don't know if I, like it was the greatest time of my life and it set me up for so many opportunities.
00:53:03.000 But I have so many injuries.
00:53:04.000 I broke three ribs twice.
00:53:05.000 Both my shoulders are messed up, ankles, and the head trauma. 0.98
00:53:09.000 I literally think I was just stupid in school for hitting so much in my head. 0.61
00:53:12.000 I don't know where that's going to lead in the future. 0.99
00:53:16.000 I led with my helmet every single play.
00:53:20.000 Who knows how that's going to affect me long term.
00:53:23.000 Luckily, I feel pretty good right now.
00:53:24.000 I don't feel like it has in any way.
00:53:27.000 But they're changing the rules so much where you can't hit with the head anymore.
00:53:31.000 And I think if they continue to do that, it'll be around for a long time.
00:53:35.000 You think they're just going to go to flag flip ball at a certain point here?
00:53:37.000 Who knows?
00:53:37.000 I mean, it's getting so soft, in my opinion.
00:53:39.000 It's like, gosh, these guys have it, you know, it's so soft because of the rules.
00:53:43.000 It's not on them.
00:53:44.000 It's the refs, you know. 1.00
00:53:48.000 I think it's good.
00:53:49.000 I think it'll go flag football and then there'll be room for a UFC-type football league where people are just like, you know what?
00:53:56.000 People signed up to get their brains knocked in.
00:53:58.000 That's rugby.
00:53:59.000 Exactly.
00:54:00.000 Rugby will make a comeback in the United States.
00:54:04.000 So when it comes to your sort of future, where do you see yourself five years from now?
00:54:10.000 I really just want to be a symbol of inspiration and positivity.
00:54:14.000 I want to impact 100 million people a week.
00:54:16.000 That's my current mission.
00:54:17.000 So everything I do is focused on how can I create media and information that supports reaching 100 million people a week.
00:54:24.000 To give them different ideas, solutions, examples, inspiring stories like yours.
00:54:30.000 to have an example to improve their life.
00:54:32.000 - Who've you been, I mean, you've interviewed a bunch of people, so who've been your favorites, aside from me, obviously, but who've been your favorites to interview? - Most controversial, no, I'm sorry. - Getting all the online hate, but. - I like when I have spiritual thought leaders or former pastors on who just have different ideas but. - I like when I have spiritual thought leaders I've had, you know, Kobe Bryant was great.
00:54:53.000 I've had, you know, Tony Robbins was someone that I was fascinated by.
00:54:57.000 I've had on a few times.
00:54:58.000 I like having billionaires on.
00:55:00.000 Sarah Blakely, who was the youngest female billionaire in America.
00:55:03.000 She was fascinating.
00:55:04.000 I like to just not make it the same person.
00:55:07.000 You know, I've had world-class athletes.
00:55:10.000 Billionaires to spiritual leaders to entrepreneurs.
00:55:14.000 And for me, it's learning from all types of people and mixing it up.
00:55:18.000 So not having the same person every time, but constantly learning different perspectives and different belief sets from individuals.
00:55:25.000 For me, that's what's exciting.
00:55:27.000 And not saying I'm gonna take every new belief from someone, but what's one thing I can grab and start testing and applying to improve my life?
00:55:35.000 So I like people of all walks of life.
00:55:37.000 Who were your chief influences growing up?
00:55:40.000 I had some great coaches that I really leaned on when I was trying to be a great athlete who were really influential.
00:55:48.000 My dad and my mom obviously were very inspiring.
00:55:51.000 My dad would always, you know, he was a life insurance salesman so he worked very hard and he would come home every night and tuck me in and, you know, say a prayer with me and he came to every sports game in high school.
00:56:02.000 And I went to a private boarding school.
00:56:04.000 And he would fly every week and come see me and was on the field taking photos.
00:56:08.000 So again, he was another great example of how to be there for me and as a son.
00:56:13.000 Man, he was always there for me.
00:56:15.000 And a lot of the other parents weren't there.
00:56:16.000 And I thought that was a great example.
00:56:18.000 So, coaches, parents, my older brother is a hero of mine.
00:56:23.000 He's 11 years older.
00:56:24.000 And even though he was in prison for four years, I would go visit him every weekend.
00:56:29.000 We would take a two and a half hour drive to visit him in the visiting room.
00:56:32.000 And I learned a lot from being in a prison every single week by seeing other inmates with their families.
00:56:39.000 You know, some of these inmates were so emotionally and mentally free, yet they were in prison their whole life, or going to be in prison their whole life.
00:56:49.000 And then I would come in the outside world and see that there were so many people who were physically free but emotionally trapped, mentally trapped, in bars in their own heart.
00:56:59.000 And I thought that was like the greatest crime that we commit, is being free physically but not reaching our potential.
00:57:07.000 When there are people behind bars who are emotionally and mentally free, some of them, and don't have the opportunities we do anymore because of the actions they've committed.
00:57:18.000 I'm influenced by a lot of people.
00:57:20.000 I'm inspired by a lot of people.
00:57:21.000 Even people that may be like the worst of the worst.
00:57:25.000 I feel like I can learn from anyone.
00:57:26.000 And that's what I try to do.
00:57:28.000 So I have one final question for you.
00:57:29.000 I do want to ask you, what is the worst advice you've ever received?
00:57:32.000 I want to find out what the worst advice you've ever received is.
00:57:35.000 And we'll have Lewis Howes answer that question in just one second.
00:57:37.000 But if you want to hear the answer, you have to go over to dailywire.com and hit subscribe.
00:57:41.000 That's all you have to do.
00:57:42.000 Just subscribe and hear the end of our conversation over there at dailywire.com.
00:57:46.000 This is gonna be a good one, so make sure you subscribe.
00:57:48.000 Well, Lewis Howes, thank you so much for stopping by.
00:57:50.000 His book is The Mask of Masculinity.
00:57:51.000 You should check out his podcast, The School of Greatness, as well.
00:57:53.000 Lewis, it's a real pleasure to have you.
00:57:54.000 - Nice to have you, thank you so much. - Appreciate it, thank you. - The Ben Shapiro Show Sunday Special is produced by Jonathan Hay.
00:58:04.000 Executive producer Jeremy Boring.
00:58:06.000 Associate producer Mathis Glover.
00:58:08.000 Edited by Donovan Fowler.
00:58:09.000 Audio is mixed by Dylan Case.
00:58:11.000 Hair and makeup is by Jeswa Olvera.
00:58:13.000 Title graphics by Cynthia Angulo.
00:58:15.000 The Ben Shapiro Show Sunday Special is a Daily Wire production.