The Classically Abby Podcast - March 22, 2023


Ep. 10 | Nikki Phillippi On Being Cancelled, Miscarriage, And Living Life On Her Terms


Episode Stats


Length

1 hour and 19 minutes

Words per minute

191.00945

Word count

15,158

Sentence count

933

Harmful content

Misogyny

35

sentences flagged

Toxicity

16

sentences flagged

Hate speech

20

sentences flagged


Summary

Summaries generated with gmurro/bart-large-finetuned-filtered-spotify-podcast-summ .

Chatting with Nikki Phillippe all about motherhood, YouTube, and surviving being canceled. All this and more on today's episode of the Classically Abbie podcast. I'm so excited to have Nikki on the show!

Transcript

Transcript generated with Whisper (turbo).
Misogyny classifications generated with MilaNLProc/bert-base-uncased-ear-misogyny .
Toxicity classifications generated with s-nlp/roberta_toxicity_classifier .
Hate speech classifications generated with facebook/roberta-hate-speech-dynabench-r4-target .
00:00:00.000 Chatting with Nikki Phillippe all about motherhood, YouTube, and surviving being canceled.
00:00:05.520 All this and more on today's episode of the Classically Abbey podcast.
00:00:09.460 Before we get into today's episode, make sure to subscribe anywhere you listen to podcasts
00:00:30.520 and head over to my Substack newsletter where you'll get access to a ton of exclusive content,
00:00:35.020 including being able to submit questions for podcast episodes just like this.
00:00:38.620 I'm so excited to have Nikki on the show.
00:00:41.940 Hi.
00:00:42.920 Hi, Abbey.
00:00:43.980 I am so excited to be here.
00:00:46.000 I feel like this has been in the making for a while and I'm just very pumped to be here.
00:00:50.560 Yes.
00:00:51.000 I mean, we have been talking about doing something like this for a long time.
00:00:54.380 So I'm so excited I'm getting to introduce you to my subscribers.
00:00:58.080 Let's get started with the first question.
00:01:00.160 So you started YouTube 13 years ago.
00:01:03.820 What made you want to start creating content?
00:01:06.040 When did you start kind of getting followers?
00:01:09.240 And how would you say that you've changed since you started?
00:01:12.820 Oh my gosh.
00:01:13.640 I have so many thoughts around that.
00:01:15.240 So first off, yeah, like you said, I started 12 to 13 years ago.
00:01:19.700 And the internet was obviously a completely different place back then.
00:01:23.960 It was much more unknown, like how this could even be anything.
00:01:28.820 Honestly, it was just really exciting.
00:01:30.800 When I was a little girl, I used to just make videos for fun and I would like show them to
00:01:34.600 my family.
00:01:35.300 And my mom would literally say, wow, it's just too bad.
00:01:38.600 You can't do this for a living.
00:01:39.980 Like you really love this.
00:01:41.180 So it was really wild to walk like into my teenage years and then my young adult years and watch
00:01:47.560 the internet and this whole world of like posting your own content and things that you made online
00:01:53.160 come to life.
00:01:54.640 And I feel really blessed.
00:01:56.440 Like this whole world of, you know, video making and podcasting and all of it is still obviously
00:02:02.300 so new.
00:02:03.240 And I really do, even though I've been here in space for 13 years, almost in some ways,
00:02:09.080 I still feel like I'm at the beginning of like this just exciting change and content creation.
00:02:15.220 And I just, I love it.
00:02:16.320 So that was kind of a side note, but I, yeah, 13 years, um, started posting videos online.
00:02:21.460 I was one of those people that when I posted, I was really embarrassed to be doing it.
00:02:26.380 So like, I didn't tell anyone, I didn't even tell my family.
00:02:30.240 I don't think for, and I was filming in their house for like the first couple of weeks,
00:02:33.500 maybe I didn't like share it with friends.
00:02:36.900 I really wanted to see if anybody other than like my friends would care about my content.
00:02:42.200 So I just posted on YouTube.
00:02:43.880 It took me about six months to get the guts to actually do it.
00:02:46.640 I actually kept uploading and then taking it down like 10 minutes later. 0.98
00:02:49.680 Oh, this is dumb. 0.92
00:02:50.300 I'm so embarrassed. 0.95
00:02:51.400 And then finally in December of 2010, I was just like, I'm just going to put it up and I'm
00:02:55.300 just going to leave it there.
00:02:56.040 Like, I don't need to mess with it.
00:02:57.880 I'll just see what happens.
00:02:59.160 And kind of one thing led to the next where I just kept uploading, kept posting, kept
00:03:05.060 talking to people, um, to where like, I slowly started growing.
00:03:10.160 Now in the beginning, it was pretty slow.
00:03:13.180 I'd say for the first like six to eight months, maybe even a year.
00:03:17.000 And then just like you and I connecting right now, I feel like connecting with other YouTubers
00:03:21.180 is like the best way to get exposure.
00:03:24.080 And that's pretty much what happened to me.
00:03:25.460 I ended up becoming connected with a whole group of YouTubers out of Los Angeles.
00:03:30.360 And that's really what started like forwarding my YouTube presence online because I was doing
00:03:37.340 a bunch of collabs and started kind of upping my production quality and, you know, filming
00:03:41.380 on things other than my laptop and my phone.
00:03:43.500 And, um, it was just, it was a wild ride and it was even earlier, obviously back then.
00:03:49.260 So it was quite the experience.
00:03:51.580 I don't know which way to go.
00:03:52.260 And, you know, I can talk 12 years, but that's kind of the, the simple answer is once I started
00:03:56.200 collabing with other YouTubers, that's when things really started taking off and I started
00:04:00.580 getting subscribers.
00:04:01.360 Yeah.
00:04:02.300 And so how would you say that you have changed since starting YouTube and kind of, you know,
00:04:07.560 now you're doing a lot of content that's focused on motherhood and cooking and slow living.
00:04:12.580 So what maybe is your mission now that it wasn't when you first started and what do you want
00:04:19.020 to share with your audience?
00:04:20.720 Yeah.
00:04:21.180 I mean, it's interesting because my general mission is very similar to when I started of
00:04:27.100 wanting to like encourage people to live the best life that they can live as corny as that
00:04:31.900 sounds and be the best them.
00:04:33.900 That's a better way to put it.
00:04:34.900 Like really caring for themselves and going after the things that they love.
00:04:38.840 That's kind of always been a part of my channel, but I've definitely changed a lot over the
00:04:44.740 course online in the sense that like, I mean, even up until a couple of years ago, I didn't
00:04:49.720 know if I, for example, this may be sounds random, but not if you're a viewer of mine, I didn't
00:04:54.540 know if I even wanted biological children for a long time.
00:04:58.020 There were a lot of layers to that.
00:05:00.460 You know, some of them, I think were some of those feelings were being influenced.
00:05:04.300 I've realized now looking back by culture, you know, when I first had my son, it like
00:05:09.440 occurred to me, oh my gosh, this is why Satan or just evil people in the world don't want
00:05:15.980 people to have babies because it's so, for me, it was so eyeopening.
00:05:19.660 I mean, the first thing I blurted out was like, how can you not believe in God?
00:05:23.420 Because it was so shocking, Abby.
00:05:26.760 Like, I know, we all know where babies come from, right?
00:05:29.640 But then for me, at least, once I experienced it, it was a completely like just soul altering,
00:05:36.940 world changing experience.
00:05:39.720 And so that kind of sounds weird.
00:05:41.740 I'm referencing my son, but that's been a big pivot on my channel.
00:05:44.700 You know, I love art and music and dance and that had been a lot, oop, knocking my
00:05:50.880 tea over.
00:05:51.680 That had been a lot of my focus.
00:05:53.200 I had like a production company in LA and it still is to a degree, but my life has so
00:05:58.480 re-centered around my family and my son and hopefully having more children that a lot of
00:06:05.300 my content has pivoted towards that, towards this like family content, but also just in
00:06:11.120 terms of like a mission statement or like my goal, like you said, wanting to really just
00:06:16.620 show, I don't even know how to word this, like the positive side, quote unquote, that's
00:06:21.160 a weird way to word it, but like of motherhood and family life.
00:06:24.780 No, I mean, we live in an era where motherhood is not always shown in a positive light because
00:06:29.200 it doesn't really go with the media narrative, with the cultural narrative.
00:06:33.380 So it's important for us mothers to show, no, motherhood is amazing.
00:06:38.980 Is it hard?
00:06:40.160 Of course, absolutely.
00:06:42.140 But in every moment it's worth it.
00:06:44.280 Yes.
00:06:44.760 Yeah.
00:06:45.000 And it's so interesting because there's some YouTubers that I follow that are more like
00:06:48.840 on the left side of the political spectrum and, you know, they've commented on the motherhood
00:06:53.960 thing and they have like a different perspective.
00:06:55.940 They feel like motherhood is like elevated in the mainstream media.
00:06:59.520 And it's fascinating to hear them talk about this because I'm like, whoa, I had the exact
00:07:03.920 opposite feeling.
00:07:05.100 Like when I thought of being a mother, I really just thought like it was a worthwhile endeavor.
00:07:10.120 Like, okay, that's what we're supposed to do.
00:07:12.040 But I just thought it was just nonstop hard.
00:07:16.020 And that's kind of all I focus on.
00:07:17.200 Like an undue sacrifice, like a burden that you're going to just constantly going to have
00:07:21.280 to have on your shoulders that I guess we do because we want to be good people.
00:07:25.120 But like at the end of the day, when you look at your child, you're thinking once
00:07:29.320 you have a child, and I was talking to my husband about this, it's such a weird thing
00:07:33.100 because you legitimately cannot describe what it's like to be a parent until you are one.
00:07:38.380 No, you can't.
00:07:39.160 And it's so sad.
00:07:40.780 It's like really a sad thing because people always say that to you.
00:07:44.020 They're like, oh, it's different with your kid.
00:07:45.640 And you're like, yeah, I don't get that.
00:07:47.740 I don't understand what you mean.
00:07:49.580 And then you have your own child and you're like, oh, now I'm part of the club that gets
00:07:53.280 that.
00:07:53.540 Yes, yes, it really is.
00:07:56.140 And I don't know, man, it was, I mean, once again, to say soul altering is like such a
00:08:01.840 perfect way to put it because yes, everything you just said about looking out at the world
00:08:05.500 and thinking, oh, this is just going to be nothing but hardship, honestly.
00:08:09.280 And like, oh, I'm sure I'll love them.
00:08:11.000 No, I had no idea that like right there with, yes, it is hard.
00:08:15.960 It's difficult to be a parent.
00:08:16.940 But literally people were not kidding right there at the same level or potentially infinitely
00:08:22.440 more, honestly, is this deep like love and passion.
00:08:26.680 I mean, you know, you understand, but I didn't, I didn't get that obviously.
00:08:30.940 And I get it.
00:08:33.020 Well, on that topic, on that topic of you becoming a mom, I feel like we have to talk about being
00:08:39.240 pro-life because I think, have you always been openly pro-life or is that more of a recent
00:08:44.860 thing and would you say that motherhood has made you more pro-life or is it just kind
00:08:50.420 of part and parcel of, of your views?
00:08:53.960 Yeah.
00:08:54.260 You know, it's interesting because I've always been openly conservative online, but in a lot
00:08:58.900 of ways, it's like I had like my own little corner of the internet in some ways, like people
00:09:03.280 just didn't notice.
00:09:04.580 I don't know.
00:09:04.940 It's weird.
00:09:05.640 So you can like search my name, ask Nikki, and you'll find all these videos from like a
00:09:09.640 decade ago of me talking about, you know, sex within marriage and how that's the way
00:09:13.600 I believe that God created it to be.
00:09:16.540 And so I talk about all of these things.
00:09:17.840 I'm pretty sure I talked about being pro-life.
00:09:20.240 I uploaded like a thousand videos to that channel and I was very open, literally, I was
00:09:24.240 very open with like just my worldview and my faith perspective.
00:09:28.480 But I have become more open in some of my, like on my main channel and the content that
00:09:34.240 I put out, that's become a little more, I don't know, like I'll state my opinion a little
00:09:38.620 more freely for a lot of different reasons that we may talk about in this interview, but
00:09:42.300 it's definitely become more on the forefront of what I talk about.
00:09:47.000 But yeah, I always have been, I always have been pro-life.
00:09:49.600 It's always made sense to me that a life is a life from the beginning.
00:09:52.880 And if it's not a life from the beginning, obviously, I mean, you know, this has been
00:09:56.560 talked over and over.
00:09:57.740 It's like, well, then where, where is that line?
00:09:59.740 Who's deciding that line?
00:10:01.120 That's never the idea of like, oh no, now it's a life.
00:10:04.220 And before it wasn't has never resonated with me.
00:10:06.560 Um, and then I know that you and I share this in common.
00:10:09.960 I had a miscarriage last year and that honestly just elevated those feelings even more.
00:10:16.380 Um, I think I told you this, I miscarried my baby at home in our bathtub.
00:10:20.420 And so getting to hold our baby in my hand, um, and see that it was a baby was very, I mean,
00:10:29.760 obviously it was devastating, but it was informative and, you know, once again, soul changing in
00:10:36.340 the sense of like, wow, this is what's going on.
00:10:39.220 This is what's going on in my body.
00:10:40.480 And I miscarried at 10 and a half weeks.
00:10:42.580 So very early, but late enough to where I was, I was holding a little baby.
00:10:47.400 Um, so actually, uh, maybe a couple of months ago when I don't remember which outlet it did.
00:10:51.640 I think it was the guardian.
00:10:52.580 That's right.
00:10:53.100 They put out that article, um, saying like what a miscarriage or what a baby really looks
00:10:57.560 like, or a fetus really looks like at 10 weeks.
00:10:59.860 And I was so flabbergasted because I would have never known.
00:11:03.200 I mean, I would have assumed they're wrong and they're lying, but I would have never known
00:11:06.920 factually had I not miscarried that they're in fact completely lying.
00:11:10.820 And so that's been on a side note, really weird to walk through in the last year to see
00:11:15.340 the lengths to which the mainstream media are willing to go in order to call a baby,
00:11:20.840 a fetus and to disconnect people from those emotions.
00:11:24.460 Sorry, that was all over the map.
00:11:25.900 No, I loved it.
00:11:27.100 I loved it, especially because, you know, I miscarried technically at 12 weeks, but it
00:11:31.780 was a missed miscarriage.
00:11:32.820 So it happened at 10 weeks really.
00:11:35.000 Um, and it was a similar experience for me where I knew I was pro-life before, but then
00:11:41.840 having a miscarriage made me that much more.
00:11:44.200 So like I went from being, I always say this as a joke.
00:11:47.080 People have heard me say it before, but I'll say it again because it's actually true, which
00:11:50.560 is that before I had a miscarriage, I was like, okay, well, we'll have three kids and
00:11:54.420 we're going to have it at this point and this point and this point, and we'll just plan
00:11:57.720 it all out.
00:11:58.420 And then I had a miscarriage and I was like, I'm going to have 100 babies and I don't care
00:12:02.300 when it happens.
00:12:04.860 Yeah.
00:12:05.240 Just completely opened your, was it, what is that the connection that made you go from
00:12:09.920 like three babies to like, oh my gosh, I want a hundred. 1.00
00:12:11.840 I feel like it's going over my head, even though that's so sweet.
00:12:14.600 Yeah.
00:12:14.920 Well, for me, it was that I, during my initial, my, my first pregnancy, I had taken for granted
00:12:21.860 that things were going to be healthy and that, you know, being sick was, was annoying.
00:12:27.140 And I was like frustrated that I had morning sickness.
00:12:30.140 And so I went through that first trimester.
00:12:33.520 I felt being sort of ungrateful while still being grateful I was pregnant, but being as
00:12:41.120 most women are uncomfortable enough to be like, oh, I really wish I wasn't feeling this 0.51
00:12:45.100 way.
00:12:45.320 And that's not to say that anyone shouldn't feel that way.
00:12:48.100 It makes sense that you feel that way because it's really bad and uncomfortable.
00:12:52.180 But by the time I was in my second pregnancy, every day I woke up with morning sickness, I
00:12:57.640 was so grateful to God.
00:12:59.320 And the days that I didn't wake up with morning sickness, I was panicking.
00:13:02.140 And it was a huge mental shift for me to go from, you know, this is going to be kind of
00:13:10.160 similar to what we're talking about, about motherhood.
00:13:11.780 This is going to be a burden on me.
00:13:14.940 Pregnancy is going to be a burden. 0.59
00:13:16.500 Yeah.
00:13:16.980 Anytime I go through it to however many times I go through pregnancy, it's a gift.
00:13:21.160 However many babies I have, it's a gift because I'm never going to take for granted that I'm
00:13:27.500 able to carry, to carry a child to term.
00:13:29.960 Um, so that's how it, that's how it changed for me where I went from like, oh, I want
00:13:34.620 a little bit more of like a, an organized stable, my things going to my plan and being
00:13:41.820 like, you know what, whatever God's plan is, that's my plan.
00:13:44.520 I don't have, I don't have as much of a say in things as I want to have.
00:13:48.480 And that's, you know, on a total different note, but maybe something interesting we can
00:13:53.440 talk about is I, um, that's why I'm not like when women think that they can get married 1.00
00:13:59.020 later and later and have children later and later, I'm like, you don't know what's going
00:14:03.640 to happen with your fertility.
00:14:04.780 Like you just don't.
00:14:06.200 Yeah.
00:14:06.800 Right.
00:14:07.220 Yeah.
00:14:07.460 No, you saying all of that, I'm just sitting here going, oh my gosh, like nodding along
00:14:11.620 because you worded like exactly how I felt after, after that second pregnancy.
00:14:18.280 Um, I said to my husband, I was like, I almost feel like I took it for granted because I really
00:14:23.180 was just caught.
00:14:24.360 And, and it's not to take away, like it really is hard when you're sick, you know, like you
00:14:28.960 were saying that, oh man, it's hard.
00:14:30.840 I was like on the floor and just like so sad.
00:14:33.800 And it was really hard.
00:14:35.000 That was part of what made miscarrying hard.
00:14:36.580 Right.
00:14:36.820 Did you tell yourself, oh, I'm doing this and I'm going to get a baby afterwards.
00:14:39.820 But then to find out like, oh, you're not guaranteed a baby just because you deal with
00:14:45.140 this, um, is really, I mean, just like you said, like we're not in control and that can
00:14:50.400 be a little hard for someone with me or your personality type, maybe to grapple with, um,
00:14:56.880 not to make light of that, but it, yeah, it's hard.
00:14:59.720 Sorry.
00:15:00.100 You, you, you made a segue comment and I forget what you said about women being married young.
00:15:04.400 Yeah, no, that's all I was going to say.
00:15:06.120 Just your, I guess we could talk about that a little bit about your thoughts on,
00:15:09.820 on this, you know, push for women to go, to really pursue careers before getting in place, 0.99
00:15:18.520 you know, their marriage and having children and like focusing on that path to the detriment
00:15:25.500 of getting married and then finding out about their fertility at a point at which fertility
00:15:31.580 is more questionable.
00:15:32.480 Because theoretically, if you get married at, let's say 24, like I got married at 23 or
00:15:38.660 24, um, you have a little bit more time to like, oh, okay, I'm not, you know, conceiving
00:15:45.060 and it's been a couple of years, but I'm only 26.
00:15:47.340 So now I can take a little more time to figure it out as opposed to you get married at 35 and
00:15:52.400 then you're like, oh, I have two years to figure this out.
00:15:55.340 I'm already into geriatric pregnancy zone.
00:15:58.060 I'm already kind of not sure if this is going to work at all.
00:16:01.400 And women being put in a position of struggling with that. 1.00
00:16:04.680 So I guess I wanted to hear your thoughts on that concept.
00:16:08.200 Yeah.
00:16:08.360 It's really interesting.
00:16:09.340 Cause I have, I mean, just like everything, right?
00:16:11.820 I mean, I have like 18 different thoughts around it.
00:16:14.160 First thing to put it in perspective, I got married at 20 and my husband was 21.
00:16:18.800 We were right on the cusp of like 21 and 22.
00:16:21.380 Um, and I'm really, really grateful for that.
00:16:25.040 Also just to fill you guys in, I am 35 now.
00:16:27.620 My husband is 36.
00:16:28.500 So we have been married for 15 years together for like 17 years and it's wild.
00:16:34.500 The time flies.
00:16:35.600 And so on that note, I want to just say, first off, um, I think it's really sad that there
00:16:40.760 has been such a shift in terms of like, not only just for women, but obviously for men,
00:16:46.040 like not encouraging people to partner up because there's something so beautiful about
00:16:51.560 looking back now at my twenties, my husband and I talk about this probably once every
00:16:55.780 few months.
00:16:56.340 We're just like, dude.
00:16:57.520 And I just got chills thinking about it.
00:16:59.120 We got to go through all of that together.
00:17:01.840 And it's like such a gift that I have this like decade.
00:17:06.400 I mean, well, 16 years, but thinking back on my twenties, this time where it's like all
00:17:11.340 of those stories and those experiences and the businesses that we started and the places
00:17:15.860 that we lived around the world, because we lived in Singapore and we lived in different
00:17:19.900 States.
00:17:20.340 And it's like, we did all of that together.
00:17:23.060 And it's, I'm so grateful for the gift of have him first off, but having that time to
00:17:30.080 be able to do that with him.
00:17:31.100 And it makes me sad looking at people sometimes who feel like marriage is going to be, it's
00:17:36.000 going to be pulling them down.
00:17:37.080 Or like you said, this general cultural push, like put it off, don't tie yourself down.
00:17:41.120 I'm like, Oh man, I'm so grateful that I had him through that whole time.
00:17:45.440 Now there's obviously things like not everybody meets the person that they want to spend their
00:17:50.060 whole life with that young.
00:17:51.620 So obviously there's those situations or in my situation, you know, this is another thing.
00:17:57.260 I mean, I was talking to Dan about this last night.
00:17:59.140 It's really weird for me because in some ways I feel like I was a little bit duped by culture
00:18:04.500 in this other way, in terms of children.
00:18:06.720 Like I mentioned in the beginning, I spent a long time thinking like, Oh my gosh, they're
00:18:10.540 going to be really, really hard.
00:18:11.720 I was never anti-children.
00:18:13.260 I always knew we would have a family.
00:18:15.740 We went into marriage agreeing on that, but we didn't know how or what that was going to
00:18:20.380 mean.
00:18:21.360 And I've dealt with a lot of, you know, chronic pain and joint injuries.
00:18:24.700 So that was a big part of it.
00:18:25.920 It's, it's not so black and white.
00:18:27.500 I can't just say culture had me fooled or it's just because of my chronic pain.
00:18:31.620 But looking back, I can see that there were, there were layers to that.
00:18:34.880 And, you know, it's really interesting because once again, I feel kind of split part of me
00:18:39.820 100% agrees with you.
00:18:41.960 What you said about, you know, as you get older, obviously there's no guarantees.
00:18:45.600 Women are born with a certain set, a certain amount of eggs, and they obviously go down 1.00
00:18:49.680 in quality as you get older.
00:18:51.240 But on the flip side, there's part of me that feels like there's, this is a little extreme
00:18:56.080 Abby, but whatever, I'm going to say it.
00:18:57.640 There's part of me that feels like the whole geriatric pregnancy thing is also a little bit
00:19:01.200 of a sigh off if that's the way to put it.
00:19:03.040 No, I, to be clear, I kind of agree with you, but continue.
00:19:07.460 Tell me more.
00:19:07.980 Yeah.
00:19:08.340 I was just going to say, because I feel like culture tells women, wait, wait, wait, don't,
00:19:13.620 don't do it yet.
00:19:14.240 They'll ruin your life or they'll drag you down or they're going to make things hard.
00:19:16.960 And then women are like, okay, I'm ready to have a baby. 1.00
00:19:19.660 And they're like, great.
00:19:20.760 You're too old.
00:19:21.600 And they start telling you things that like get in your head.
00:19:24.440 And what I'm starting to find talking to different doctors and also having friends from around
00:19:29.820 the world is that there's a lot of places where it's like, that's not the case where
00:19:33.220 women will just like keep having babies until they're not able to anymore. 1.00
00:19:38.160 You know, it's like, we ovulate for a lot longer than most women are like typically having 0.58
00:19:42.840 children, at least here in the U S.
00:19:44.240 So there's very much, I have two, two thoughts of that.
00:19:46.940 Like I said, part of me is like, oh man, I have a few friends that are in their young twenties
00:19:50.760 right now that want like lots of kids. 0.99
00:19:53.060 And it's like, I could easily get in that headspace of being a little jealous or why
00:19:58.060 didn't I do that?
00:19:59.260 But then I pause and I think about what we said that we don't really have, we don't have
00:20:04.580 control.
00:20:05.020 Control is an illusion.
00:20:05.720 And even though those were our choices, life is also more complex.
00:20:10.240 And I just kind of have this feeling of like, I'm where I'm at.
00:20:13.620 I'm grateful for my husband.
00:20:15.420 I'm also not out of my fertility yet.
00:20:17.780 And I think there's a lot you can do health-wise, obviously to improve your egg quality that
00:20:22.640 went 12 directions.
00:20:23.580 You were going to chime in about the geriatric thing.
00:20:25.520 No, I actually, I was just going to say, I a hundred percent agree with you on that.
00:20:28.980 And I think that what I, what I, all I mean, and when I say like, we shouldn't put off,
00:20:35.040 I don't think we should put off any of the things that are important to us until something
00:20:40.540 else is resolved.
00:20:41.520 Right.
00:20:41.960 So like, oh, my, my, my career is now at the point I'm comfortable at.
00:20:46.220 So now I'll start dating.
00:20:47.260 Well, how do you know that you're going to meet the person that you want to marry when
00:20:50.440 at that point, why can't we just be open-minded to meeting the right person at maybe a time
00:20:55.220 that isn't ideal or having children at a time that you're like, oh, well, I don't have
00:21:00.380 all of my funds entirely in place, you know, just being a little bit more flexible with
00:21:05.740 that stuff instead of putting in time, putting, putting in your life, arbitrary timelines
00:21:11.340 that you then have to follow.
00:21:13.560 And that don't necessarily help because we're not in control of who we meet, when we meet
00:21:19.140 them, how our fertility is going to look when we have kids.
00:21:22.300 So yeah.
00:21:23.580 Now I'm sitting here like caring for my health and just hoping that the Lord has more babies
00:21:28.800 for us.
00:21:29.180 And now part of it is like, people can be infertile in their twenties too.
00:21:32.320 So there is kind of this head trip of like, Hey, don't get too caught in your head.
00:21:35.780 But there is also, like you said, the reality element of like, well, but I am 35 and it's
00:21:41.200 like, in, in, depending on what the Lord has for me, I could have quite a few years of fertility
00:21:45.880 ahead of me and we could grow our family quite a bit, but also like we just said, there's
00:21:50.760 science.
00:21:51.640 That's the way we want to put it in the reality of pain and who knows.
00:21:54.580 So it's, it's worth keeping in your purview just as you're walking in life, like not pushing
00:22:00.300 these things off because you really don't know.
00:22:03.340 So that's kind of my perspective.
00:22:04.880 I think it's, it's sad that the world has gone that direction.
00:22:08.560 Um, and I'm just really grateful to have met my husband and got to spend and have gotten
00:22:14.200 to spend all these years with him.
00:22:15.580 I'm grateful.
00:22:16.560 Well, I mean, that's an incredible thing.
00:22:18.420 So I want to do a hard pivot.
00:22:20.680 Okay.
00:22:21.320 Okay.
00:22:21.600 Hard pivot.
00:22:22.240 I'm ready.
00:22:22.500 Hard pivot to a totally different topic, which is being canceled.
00:22:27.440 So you were canceled in what year was it?
00:22:32.060 Was it 2021?
00:22:33.420 Yeah.
00:22:33.660 Yeah.
00:22:33.820 2021.
00:22:34.860 2021.
00:22:36.260 Um, and the internet came after you, after you spoke out about having, I'm just for the
00:22:42.900 followers who don't know.
00:22:43.660 Yeah.
00:22:43.800 Yeah.
00:22:43.940 Totally.
00:22:44.620 I mean, you can totally clarify it, but you put down your dog after he attacked your son,
00:22:49.800 um, after the dog attacked your son and you were heartbroken.
00:22:52.480 I watched that video and you were really upset that you had to do it, but it was the only
00:22:56.300 option and the internet totally went wild about it.
00:23:01.640 So I know how awful it was for you.
00:23:04.000 We talked about it at the time.
00:23:05.720 Yeah.
00:23:05.860 So I want to know, how did you handle that level of like vitriol being thrown in your
00:23:12.500 direction?
00:23:13.420 How did you come back from that?
00:23:15.120 How did you recover?
00:23:16.560 Because I mean, you have beautifully.
00:23:18.660 And I saw you literally through the process.
00:23:21.100 I saw you go from, you know, the, everything has fallen apart to where you are now, which
00:23:26.700 is really great.
00:23:28.200 Well, thank you.
00:23:29.320 Um, you know, a lot of people played parts in that recovery and you were one of the people
00:23:32.740 that played a part in that recovery.
00:23:34.160 And I mean, you know, yeah, I mean, but it's, but it's true.
00:23:37.140 You were one of the characters.
00:23:38.480 I remember like talking to you after everything happened and you really calmed me down.
00:23:41.960 Um, in terms of like what these people are actually going to do, you really calmed me
00:23:46.860 down when we talked through the reality of that.
00:23:49.000 Um, but yeah, backing up, like you said, um, our dog that our son in the face and the
00:23:55.020 whole thing was really horrifying from like every single aspect.
00:23:59.020 I mean, we loved Bowser so much.
00:24:02.520 Um, he was our dog for 10 and a half years.
00:24:05.040 Dan, I say Dan, it was really us, both of us, but it was Dan like picked him out when
00:24:09.580 he was a baby, baby puppy.
00:24:11.320 We raised Bowser from being a baby.
00:24:13.760 Um, you know, they're trying to even think which way to go on this, to not give like a
00:24:18.640 two hour monologue about the whole thing, because it was totally life changing.
00:24:22.960 Um, you know, we had been on the internet.
00:24:25.140 Well, now we've been on the internet for 13 years at that time.
00:24:27.180 It was about 11 years, 10 and a half years.
00:24:29.060 So pretty much about the time that Bowser was alive, which is why we told the internet,
00:24:33.740 um, because we had documented Bowser's life pretty much from the beginning, you know, in our
00:24:38.920 home.
00:24:39.420 And when it all unfolded, I really felt like I had to be honest and, and to be honest,
00:24:45.460 it didn't occur to me that people were even going to be mad at us.
00:24:48.660 And I think the reason it didn't occur to me was because, um, we had gone through all
00:24:53.200 of the steps with the professionals and talked through everything that's never, when it originally
00:24:58.460 went down, we had planned on rehoming him.
00:25:00.260 That's a whole other thing.
00:25:01.140 And then we were walked through the whole process and realized, okay, that's not an option.
00:25:06.120 Um, and so that's honestly the biggest, biggest reason it never occurred to me that people
00:25:09.740 were going to be upset because once the professionals had walked us through it, it was like, oh, this
00:25:14.880 is our, this is our only choice.
00:25:16.920 The whole thing was so sad.
00:25:18.900 And then after it all went down and we got on the internet and said, okay, we got to tell people
00:25:23.360 what happened.
00:25:24.520 Um, it was like a double whammy.
00:25:25.840 I mean, talk about the definition of being kicked when you're down.
00:25:28.540 Like we were so depressed.
00:25:31.400 Um, I also realized from all of that, I mean, I learned so many lessons from that full cancellation,
00:25:37.860 Abby, the lessons are still flooding in by the way, like every once in a while, I'm like smacked
00:25:41.540 with a new lesson from the whole thing because it hasn't exactly stopped.
00:25:45.100 Like the, the issue is still kind of there online.
00:25:48.340 Um, but yeah, it was really, really sad.
00:25:51.440 And when it happened, I guess just to give context for everyone, it really was like a
00:25:55.880 classic cancellation in the sense that like we, it happened in May.
00:25:59.400 We had sponsorships booked out for the entire rest of the year, like through Christmas, every
00:26:04.300 single one of them pulled within 24 hours.
00:26:06.940 Um, we lost management within that same timeframe.
00:26:09.880 We had to let all of our employees go.
00:26:12.500 Uh, we had four people working with us, plus my husband who, who was technically an employee
00:26:17.500 of the company.
00:26:18.500 Um, cause that was how we were running things after that long on the internet, we had actually
00:26:21.620 set it up into a company.
00:26:23.220 Um, and it was very, it was fast and furious.
00:26:25.520 Like people's rage came fast and hard.
00:26:28.420 And I had never, like, I had experienced hate online through like gossip forums, but I
00:26:33.120 had never experienced, you know, like calls from the mainstream media.
00:26:35.900 Like, hi, this is inside edition.
00:26:37.260 We'd like to talk to you.
00:26:38.060 I'm like, and so I like completely shut down for about three months.
00:26:42.440 Um, you know, we were very frightened with like death threats.
00:26:45.060 I was very new to that too.
00:26:46.360 And that's something you and I specifically talked about.
00:26:48.740 It was new to me.
00:26:50.140 I was scared.
00:26:51.060 I was like, these people are texting me my address.
00:26:53.160 Like, are they going to show up at my house?
00:26:55.060 You know, you echoed what my husband said.
00:26:57.100 You were just like, no one's coming, you know, that's, that's, which is what my husband
00:27:00.880 said the whole time, but it was genuinely frightening for me.
00:27:05.020 Um, so yeah, we moved out of Idaho.
00:27:06.920 We had already, or out of Nashville to Idaho, we had already planned on moving to kind of
00:27:11.340 reunite with my parents because they had left LA, uh, like six to seven months earlier, but
00:27:16.340 we were not planning on leaving that soon.
00:27:18.540 We were planning on leaving like in a few months, but when we started getting death threats,
00:27:22.320 um, I kind of had a little bit of like a psycho meltdown and my mom was like, you got to get
00:27:27.500 out of here now.
00:27:28.000 So we like our realtor handled the sale of everything.
00:27:30.480 And we just left Nashville, moved into my parents' basement in Idaho and lived there till
00:27:36.720 we found a house.
00:27:37.700 Yeah.
00:27:37.940 So the, I, the irony of that is we actually ended up, I mean, God is so good.
00:27:42.400 It was astounding to watch this happen.
00:27:44.860 And the next door neighbor to my parents, um, actually sold us their house.
00:27:48.660 Like after being here for five months and we're house hunting, we're like, what are
00:27:51.940 we going to do?
00:27:52.700 Literally, she walked up to my parents' door and just knocked on the door and said, I want 0.97
00:27:55.900 to sell you my house so you can raise your grandson or your son next to your parents. 0.51
00:27:59.900 I know I, we literally were like, what?
00:28:02.500 And that's, like I said, a whole other long story in and of itself, but that's the long
00:28:06.420 story short.
00:28:06.940 So pretty much, I guess to answer your question in terms of like how we rebuilt, it was legitimately
00:28:13.640 just one, one week at a time.
00:28:16.600 I mean, in the beginning, the first four months, I cried like every single day, Abby, like most
00:28:22.160 of the day I've never experienced anything like that in my life where I was just so sad.
00:28:26.740 I just couldn't get out of it.
00:28:28.640 I couldn't believe it.
00:28:29.560 I was like, I had a decade on here, like over that.
00:28:32.920 And I've, I've loved it so much and it just flipped so fast.
00:28:38.120 And as you know, a chunk of that was because, you know, I'm an, I'm an LA YouTuber originally.
00:28:43.240 So I kind of cut my teeth on YouTube with all of the other YouTubers.
00:28:47.700 So there's, you know, there's still a lot of YouTubers that I am friends with or, you
00:28:52.440 know, that agree with me or that I'm fine with, but there were a lot of YouTubers that
00:28:56.140 like jumped ship when that happened.
00:28:57.600 Like, I don't know her.
00:28:58.480 And then even worse than that, there were a lot of YouTubers that made videos about us.
00:29:02.160 And that was a big part of what made it so hard was people that made videos that I was
00:29:05.780 like, yo, I wouldn't have called us friends in the deep sense of the word, but I would
00:29:10.260 have called us friends in the sense of like, I didn't, I didn't have any problems with you.
00:29:14.480 Right.
00:29:15.080 But similar to COVID, it's interesting, the timing of everything.
00:29:19.860 Similar to all the COVID stuff, the stuff that happened with our dog really helped to
00:29:24.980 clarify for me a lot of things in terms of like, who's actually on my team, who's actually
00:29:29.540 a friend, um, because there were some people that it was like shocking Abby.
00:29:33.360 I was like, you literally believe them over us.
00:29:36.040 Like, okay.
00:29:38.000 Um, and then, but then on the flip side, I was just telling some friends last night,
00:29:41.580 it's like the people that disagreed with us were the loudest by far.
00:29:46.300 So, so many people don't even know that like, I received more support messages than like,
00:29:52.700 I have even been able to go through.
00:29:54.220 So like, here I am almost two years later, Abby, I am still, I just got chills because
00:29:58.680 it's regular.
00:29:59.260 I'm still stumbling upon messages that I never saw when everything happened of people being
00:30:04.600 like, I'm, I'm horrified.
00:30:06.620 I'm so sorry.
00:30:07.560 And then they'll like write a long message, either explaining something that had happened
00:30:11.260 in their life or to them with like pictures of scars.
00:30:14.760 Like it was just, it was wild because it was so embarrassing in a lot of ways and shameful
00:30:22.200 feeling in some ways, because some people were just so mad at us and I felt ashamed,
00:30:27.720 but then simultaneously not because when we repeated the whole thing over and over in our
00:30:32.720 heads, it never came out with a different conclusion.
00:30:34.760 It was the same way every time as to what we would have done, but it just, it was a good
00:30:39.820 lesson, a good lesson.
00:30:40.760 So yeah, backing up one week at a time, one month at a time.
00:30:44.860 And I never wanted to really quit because it felt like, I mean, maybe this is shallow,
00:30:51.300 but it would have felt like they were winning.
00:30:52.960 Like that was a big part of it.
00:30:54.040 No, that's not shallow.
00:30:55.060 That makes sense to me.
00:30:56.040 I mean, one of the things that I feel is so clear is that your cancellation was, is such
00:31:05.720 a reflection of the time we live in where people will talk about dogs and animals with like
00:31:12.580 the utmost love and protection and can't even do that for unborn babies.
00:31:18.980 Now, I'm not saying that that has to be like the big, you know, lesson here, but it did stand
00:31:25.440 out to me just how much people are willing, like they will cancel another human being for
00:31:32.760 something that they had to do.
00:31:35.040 Not even that you guys wanted to do, but that you had to do and the position you were in
00:31:38.920 when it was in protection of a little child.
00:31:42.340 And in your description, I remember watching your video and it stood out to me.
00:31:45.660 I still remember you talking about how your dog would like hurt himself trying to get
00:31:50.900 through your gate and trying to like tear through the ground.
00:31:55.320 And clearly he had some issues that were dangerous for human beings, but apparently that is not
00:32:01.500 what is relevant to the culture we live in where animals are held up on a higher pedestal
00:32:07.320 than human life.
00:32:08.260 That's exactly it.
00:32:09.420 And that was, that was a very straight, I mean, on the flip side, that's why people were very
00:32:13.200 mad at me because they decided to lump in animals and humans and they went, Oh, she's 0.68
00:32:16.980 pro-life, but she'll kill her dog. 1.00
00:32:18.920 And the whole thing, it's just completely different worldviews.
00:32:21.700 You're pretty much right.
00:32:23.100 I'd say across the board, almost a hundred percent of the time, anyone that was angry
00:32:26.820 at me that came at me online, you do like a little bit of Sherlock homings.
00:32:31.220 That's not the way to put it, but on their page.
00:32:32.880 And you're like, Oh, you are pro-abortion.
00:32:36.000 Like it was almost entirely that way, the way that things lined up.
00:32:40.020 Um, and then also another thing that it really showed me about culture was that we, as people,
00:32:45.740 for some reason, think that what we see on the screen is the whole picture.
00:32:50.200 And depending on our leaning, maybe in our personality, people will tend to, to assume
00:32:56.440 and see the worst, like whatever's explained.
00:32:58.880 Oh, that's not the truth.
00:32:59.960 They're lying.
00:33:00.700 And I'm going to assume the worst case scenario about this.
00:33:03.220 So that was really a trip to, to be like, wow.
00:33:05.420 And then also to reflect in myself, like, am I doing that to people ever? 0.98
00:33:09.380 Am I seeing something and being like, Oh yeah, I know the whole story and they're crap people 0.97
00:33:13.460 or whatever, right? 0.93
00:33:14.820 Man, so many things were assumed about us that were so off base that it just really altered
00:33:20.600 even, I mean, like I just said, my perspective of how I even see the world or news or fake
00:33:25.740 news.
00:33:26.120 Like, geez, once you're lied about in mainstream media, you really see news differently.
00:33:30.860 You're like, wait, so are they not doing their due diligence when they're reporting things?
00:33:35.640 Like, like I'm kidding, but I'm totally not kidding.
00:33:38.420 It was genuinely like a world, like mind trip to be like, what is even going on here?
00:33:44.160 So, um, I'm mostly just grateful though.
00:33:47.080 A, I'm grateful to God that my son was okay.
00:33:49.500 I can think back to that same day.
00:33:51.200 And I remember the sound very distinctly in my head of, of Bowser's growl when it happened.
00:33:56.640 And I thought for sure he was going to be way messed up.
00:33:59.540 And the fact that all he had was like one cut was just really, really good.
00:34:04.820 I'm very grateful for that.
00:34:06.320 And I'm also grateful.
00:34:07.420 Like I said, how God has grown me through this because I have realized like, oh, pretty
00:34:12.340 much like in some ways, yeah, not everybody knows what it's like to get canceled, but in
00:34:16.340 other ways, I'm starting to realize that like everyone and their mother gets canceled.
00:34:19.940 And I'm also starting to realize I've kind of changed my language.
00:34:23.280 And now I'm starting to say, oh, the first time I was canceled.
00:34:25.960 Cause like, I don't want to go through that again, but I'm just assuming if I'm going to
00:34:29.220 stay in the space, there's probably going to be something that will blow up again at
00:34:33.200 some point.
00:34:34.140 And it was painful, but I still feel like this is where God has me right now.
00:34:38.420 And so I'm just praying for wisdom and continuing to heal and trying to remain soft and open.
00:34:47.540 Even after all of this.
00:34:48.860 I mean, there's like a verse that says you want to remain innocent as a dove and like
00:34:52.920 sly as a snake.
00:34:53.920 That is a horrible summation, but it's like, you want both.
00:34:56.320 And that's hard, that's hard to hold, but that's what I want.
00:35:00.080 I want to be wise and shrewd, but I don't want to be cynical and shut down, you know?
00:35:05.220 Yeah.
00:35:05.740 Well, and it's interesting because we recently read the book, The Happiness Hypothesis by
00:35:09.800 Jonathan Haidt for my book club.
00:35:12.100 And in that book, he talks about how it's actually very important for people's happiness to go through
00:35:20.380 really trying times.
00:35:22.960 And when we think of like, you know, our children, we would want to take away anything that would
00:35:27.860 ever hurt them.
00:35:28.900 But at the same time, when you actually ask people who have been through certain things
00:35:34.800 that we would consider, you know, horrifying or really upsetting or anything like that,
00:35:39.680 they usually say something to the effect of, if that hadn't happened to me, I wouldn't
00:35:44.880 have grown or I wouldn't have appreciated my life the way that it is, or I wouldn't have
00:35:49.520 had this new perspective.
00:35:51.160 And so it's hard to say we are grateful for the things that have happened to us, even the
00:35:57.040 things that aren't good, but they're just a part of life and in many ways allow us to
00:36:03.340 find an appreciation for life that maybe we wouldn't have had before.
00:36:06.560 Dude, totally.
00:36:07.940 There's this saying, and I hope I don't trigger people in the wrong way because I mean lots of
00:36:12.280 different things by this, but you know, take what you want from it.
00:36:16.300 I took what I wanted from it.
00:36:17.680 The saying is God only gives good gifts.
00:36:20.580 And the perspective obviously is that like, there's something good through all of it.
00:36:24.260 And like I said, I don't mean that across the way, you know, whatever, take what you want
00:36:27.460 from it.
00:36:27.840 But for me, it was, you know, having that lens shift of like, maybe this was a gift.
00:36:32.580 Like maybe there's something to this that I needed and, you know, lessons I needed to learn
00:36:38.400 life circumstances that needed to change all of the above.
00:36:41.580 Um, and so I'm really, really grateful for the fact that, that God has renewed my mind
00:36:46.760 or made it over in that sense and continued to help me like shift my perspective and grow
00:36:52.680 from it.
00:36:53.280 So yeah, I don't know.
00:36:54.320 I don't know if that answered everything.
00:36:55.480 Like I said, I could go on for like 12 hours because that was so life-changing.
00:36:59.160 Yeah.
00:36:59.600 Well, I liked that answer.
00:37:02.020 Thanks Abby.
00:37:02.800 And last question for this portion of today's episode, I always ask my, my guests about femininity
00:37:13.600 because I talk a lot about embracing femininity here on my channel, on my podcast.
00:37:18.080 So what does embracing femininity look like for you?
00:37:22.940 Ooh, that's good.
00:37:24.600 You know, Oh, I hope my answer is not lame.
00:37:27.520 Um, just like indulging those girlier things that I love and not shutting them down or 0.99
00:37:35.340 thinking that they're stupid, you know? 0.97
00:37:37.420 Um, even things like getting dressed in the morning. 1.00
00:37:40.260 Like if I don't know, sometimes I think it can be easy to get in this pattern depending
00:37:45.060 on your dynamics and your relationship of like, you know, Oh, my husband got, got ready way
00:37:50.260 faster than me.
00:37:50.960 Like throw myself together.
00:37:52.080 It's like, Hey, there's no shame.
00:37:53.400 And like me primping a little bit more, like not trying to be vain, but you know what I
00:37:57.640 mean?
00:37:57.780 That's kind of, that's feminine.
00:37:59.200 That's girly.
00:38:00.020 Even though I know girly and femininity is a little different, but still, um, that's,
00:38:04.120 that's part of it.
00:38:05.380 Um, and then this, this is something else I've been thinking about a lot the last few years
00:38:09.880 is really cultivating, um, softness because I feel like I spent so long really, whatever.
00:38:19.120 And in some ways I still am, I was going to say being a boss, babe.
00:38:22.060 I know we're all slamming, like we're all slamming boss, babe life now.
00:38:25.480 And I'm kind of right there being like, ah, down with the boss, babe.
00:38:27.900 But at the same time, I'm kind of, I mean, I kind of am into it still like whatever, but
00:38:31.760 that mentality can kind of maybe sometimes get you into this, I don't know, harsher, like
00:38:37.580 this is happening at this time.
00:38:38.940 And this is happening at this time.
00:38:39.840 And this is happening at this time.
00:38:40.960 And so I've really tried over the last few years, like you mentioned slow living to kind
00:38:46.260 of cultivate this vibe of like, Hey, like relax, we have time and like staying softer to, um,
00:38:53.520 especially, well, not especially with both my son and my husband, and just really trying
00:38:58.060 to, I know this is the fourth time I've used the word cultivate third or fourth time,
00:39:02.100 but I love that word softness.
00:39:03.940 Thanks.
00:39:04.340 That, the, that part of me that is naturally there, but sometimes gets pushed to the side
00:39:10.100 in order to like take care of other things.
00:39:11.880 I've just tried to let it come out more with my son and my husband.
00:39:16.140 Um, but yeah, I don't know.
00:39:18.080 Those are kind of some of the things that femininity means to me.
00:39:20.860 No, totally.
00:39:21.680 I agree.
00:39:22.360 And I think that, you know, I do think that there's kind of this movement lately to downplay
00:39:28.020 the appearance part of femininity because it's like, Oh, well, to be honest, I think it's 0.92
00:39:34.120 because trans women are putting on like a face of makeup. 1.00
00:39:38.360 And so a lot of women are pushing back on the fact that that has anything to do with femininity, 1.00
00:39:42.460 but I actually disagree.
00:39:43.640 I think that femininity is primping is one of my favorite parts of being feminine and 1.00
00:39:49.000 being a woman.
00:39:49.940 Like I love doing my makeup.
00:39:51.500 I love doing my hair.
00:39:52.680 I think that it is so nice to look in the mirror at the beginning of the day and be like,
00:39:57.060 okay, I'm ready to take on the day.
00:39:58.760 Literally my mom comes in the morning for an hour every day so that I can exercise for half
00:40:04.480 an hour.
00:40:04.780 And so I can get ready for half an hour.
00:40:06.540 That is our, our deal.
00:40:08.740 That's so sweet.
00:40:10.540 And it's like the only way for me to feel ready for the day.
00:40:13.240 If I don't do those things, I'm like, Oh my God, I don't know what my schedule is.
00:40:17.740 I don't know who I am.
00:40:19.000 I don't know where I live.
00:40:20.560 Like, I think that face that you just made might be one of my favorite faces I've ever
00:40:24.480 seen you have.
00:40:25.000 Oh my God.
00:40:27.960 It's true though. 0.96
00:40:28.980 It's relatable.
00:40:29.780 And yes, to what you've said.
00:40:31.420 Exactly.
00:40:31.820 When I get ready, it's like, I do.
00:40:33.420 It's not that I don't feel like myself when I'm not ready.
00:40:36.740 It's that I feel more feminine.
00:40:38.620 That really is what it's like.
00:40:39.760 Oh, wow.
00:40:40.480 I feel pretty.
00:40:41.540 Like, and I think feeling pretty is part of feeling feminine, you know, presenting
00:40:47.060 your best self or at least a little bit up from what you woke up with, you know, maybe
00:40:51.600 it's not your best, but.
00:40:54.020 And I agree as well on the softness idea is something I also talk about a lot.
00:40:57.840 And that just, you know, that is something that we can bring to the world as women. 1.00
00:41:01.540 And we build, I think we live in a day and age because, you know, it is such a different
00:41:06.160 time where women are leaving the home earlier so that we can pursue careers because we don't 1.00
00:41:11.920 know when we're going to meet the right guy and we need to be able to support ourselves.
00:41:14.380 I don't think that's a bad thing.
00:41:15.420 It's just the world we live in.
00:41:16.640 But what that also means is that we build up barriers all the time to protect ourselves
00:41:22.060 from rejection from men, rejection from jobs, being in unsafe areas and trying to navigate
00:41:28.620 that.
00:41:29.120 And all of that can really wear away at that feminine softness that we can cultivate at
00:41:37.420 home and also in our workplaces and wherever it is so that we can bring that nurturing nature
00:41:43.760 to the world.
00:41:45.440 Yeah.
00:41:45.620 That's a really good way to put it.
00:41:46.860 It almost becomes like, like an honor, like, or not an honor.
00:41:50.400 What's the word?
00:41:50.860 Armor.
00:41:51.320 That's the word.
00:41:51.820 Or like a protection mechanism just to like make your way through this modern world.
00:41:56.100 But yes, cultivating that softness, I think it's so needed and it feels really right to
00:42:02.980 just be like, to be able to be that soft, loving, doting figure for my son.
00:42:07.860 It's like, I'm his mom.
00:42:09.000 I want to be that, you know?
00:42:11.240 Yeah.
00:42:12.060 So yeah.
00:42:12.540 I love it.
00:42:13.440 So this was great.
00:42:15.800 Now let's get into today's faith talk.
00:42:18.720 So this week's Torah portion or the Parsha is Vayakel Pekhude, which means, and they gathered
00:42:25.420 and he gathered amounts of, right?
00:42:27.860 So it's kind of a funny, it's actually two different words from two different segments
00:42:31.380 and two different verses, but that's what the, what the segment is called.
00:42:34.640 So here's the summary of the Torah portion from Chabad's website.
00:42:38.540 Moses assembles the people of Israel and reiterates to them the commandment to observe the Sabbath.
00:42:44.720 He then conveys God's instructions regarding the making of the tabernacle.
00:42:48.760 The people donate the required materials in abundance, bringing gold and silver and copper
00:42:53.140 and all of these incredible things.
00:42:55.060 But Moses has to tell them to stop giving.
00:42:57.500 At some point they're just like, oh, so everything we own?
00:43:00.260 And Moses is like, relax a little bit.
00:43:03.200 No more.
00:43:04.040 It's cool.
00:43:06.540 A team of wise-hearted artisans make the tabernacle and its furnishings, including the basin and
00:43:12.720 its pedestal.
00:43:13.640 Keep that in mind because that's what we're going to talk about today.
00:43:15.580 Made out of copper mirrors.
00:43:17.440 And the rest of the Parsha, the rest of the Torah portion talks a little bit about the
00:43:22.560 accounting of what was donated and all of the different things that were built and initiating
00:43:29.440 Aaron and his sons into the priesthood.
00:43:31.760 So let's get back to the basin.
00:43:34.020 Okay.
00:43:34.220 So the basin outside of the tabernacle where people washed before entering is described in
00:43:39.760 this verse.
00:43:40.760 And he made the wash stand of copper and its base of copper from the mirrors of the women 1.00
00:43:46.440 who had set up the legions, who congregated at the entrance of the tent of meeting.
00:43:52.760 So here's the question.
00:43:55.260 Why would God use mirrors, a tool of vanity, to create the basin that the Israelites used
00:44:01.920 before entering the holiest of places?
00:44:04.960 Wouldn't you think that that's just so base, like something that shouldn't be used as something
00:44:10.860 holy before going somewhere so elevated?
00:44:13.980 It just seems almost crazy that they would use these mirrors.
00:44:18.340 And Rashi, the foremost commentator of the Torah, answers this question in the most beautiful
00:44:24.640 way.
00:44:24.980 I'm obsessed with this explanation.
00:44:26.440 I'm so excited I'm getting to talk about it on today's episode.
00:44:29.360 So he tells us that Moses asked this very same question.
00:44:33.980 The women wanted to contribute to the donations for the tabernacle, but what they had were their
00:44:39.140 mirrors.
00:44:39.480 So they brought them, and Moses initially rejected them, saying, this is nothing but
00:44:44.500 tools of temptation.
00:44:45.620 We don't want this for the tabernacle.
00:44:47.860 But God corrected him.
00:44:50.060 God said, these mirrors are more precious to me than anything else that's been donated.
00:44:55.700 Isn't that crazy?
00:44:56.780 So why is that?
00:44:58.240 Yeah.
00:44:58.380 Because the women used these mirrors to seduce their husbands when they were in Egypt. 0.96
00:45:05.020 When the men were too tired, the women would make themselves up and bring their husbands 1.00
00:45:10.100 to them so that they could conceive more children, even in the darkest of places and times.
00:45:15.800 Wow.
00:45:16.240 So when it says in the verse, the mirror of the women who had set up the legions, what
00:45:21.040 does that mean?
00:45:21.660 It means mothers.
00:45:23.300 It means women who seduced their husbands and bore their children so that that would allow 0.99
00:45:28.800 the Jewish nation and the Israelites to continue. 0.77
00:45:31.880 And the fact that they made themselves beautiful for their husbands was a beautiful thing in God's
00:45:36.860 eyes.
00:45:37.140 God didn't think of that as gross or not appropriate.
00:45:41.080 He thought of that as the most important thing because cohabitation between husband and wife 0.78
00:45:46.080 and having more children and raising them was so important to him.
00:45:50.520 So how do you think, Nikki, that this applies to us today?
00:45:54.860 The idea that, you know, this is actually a beautiful thing that women can do. 1.00
00:46:00.160 And it kind of relates back to what we were just talking about.
00:46:02.900 Yeah.
00:46:03.120 I mean, I don't know that I'm going to have a deep enough response to that.
00:46:06.240 I mean, hearing you read through all that, I'm just like, yes, this is so good.
00:46:08.860 But I'll give my thoughts back to it.
00:46:11.380 But I'm all like, no, this might not be as deep.
00:46:13.640 I feel like God makes it evident over and over in the Bible that he loves beauty and
00:46:21.960 that he created it.
00:46:23.100 And I feel like we're living in a time, and I don't know, because I know sin nature and
00:46:28.520 human nature, like it just, it goes back.
00:46:30.800 But this is what I know in this time period.
00:46:33.240 And it feels like we're living in a time that is just distorting beauty, obviously, and
00:46:38.720 tearing down beauty in a lot of ways.
00:46:41.340 Like, I feel like we're seeing that not only in people's physical appearances, in the destruction
00:46:46.240 of, you know, relationships and marriage, in architecture.
00:46:48.980 Like, I feel like we're just seeing it kind of across the board.
00:46:51.360 Um, and I just feel like beauty is really important.
00:46:57.260 And sometimes I think that, that women want to shut down their beauty, whether it's a trauma 1.00
00:47:03.180 response, or they don't actually think they're pretty enough to even like put the effort in,
00:47:08.900 or they're dealing with some kind of like just emotional heaviness in general.
00:47:12.400 But I think that, you know, that shows again, that, that God loves beauty, and that he loves
00:47:19.620 when a wife is willing to present and share and unveil her beauty for her husband.
00:47:24.720 And I think it's not only for the husband, I think it's also for the woman.
00:47:29.480 I think women, I, I do, I love to be doted on. 0.64
00:47:33.700 I love to be told, but like, every time my husband will just throw out a random out of
00:47:38.680 nowhere sporadic, organic, you look so beautiful.
00:47:42.400 I literally will like flip around and I'm like, really?
00:47:45.300 Thank you.
00:47:46.200 Like, it feels so good.
00:47:48.180 And so I don't know.
00:47:49.800 I just see that as yet again, another like check, like affirmation from the Lord that
00:47:54.240 like present yourself to your husband.
00:47:56.080 This is a good thing.
00:47:57.520 Um, and delighting in that lovemaking and that connection that only happens between you and
00:48:02.720 your husband is good.
00:48:04.780 And the beauty is it adds to it.
00:48:07.440 So I don't know.
00:48:08.880 I'm not, I'm not chiming in with anything deep, but that's those.
00:48:11.060 No, I think that is deep.
00:48:12.660 And I think that there's so much about, you know, I think there's, there's so many layers
00:48:17.280 to this that I'm like trying to catch all the different ones, but the idea that, you
00:48:22.460 know, women kind of on what you were saying, women love to be doted on. 1.00
00:48:27.140 I've heard the idea that women want, need to be adored and men need to be respected.
00:48:34.820 And that's not to say that that doesn't flip, you know, you need both.
00:48:38.900 Right.
00:48:39.360 Yeah.
00:48:39.580 But there is something really wonderful as a wife to being cherished and knowing that
00:48:46.680 your husband cherishes you.
00:48:48.180 And so the idea that women are doing themselves up to seduce their husbands. 0.87
00:48:54.680 I love the idea from what you're saying that it's not just for their husbands, but I mean,
00:49:00.560 there's something unique and I don't know if this is true for you, but there's something
00:49:04.380 unique for me when, and actually, you know what, I'm going to say this is probably pretty
00:49:08.920 common because you see it in films, right.
00:49:11.300 And in movies, the idea that when a woman puts in just a little bit of effort to look 1.00
00:49:16.060 beautiful, when she, you know, walks into the room cause they're going to the prom or
00:49:20.140 she walks into the room cause they're going to the ball and the guy kind of does a double 0.68
00:49:24.060 take because wow, it's, there's something unique about that response because you know
00:49:29.740 that you put in just a little bit more effort for yourself that then gets, elicits a response
00:49:35.780 from your spouse or from the guy that you're interested in.
00:49:38.940 And that again, God is showing us that that's not a bad thing, that there's a goodness to
00:49:46.200 physicality when it's used in its right place.
00:49:49.680 Yes.
00:49:50.180 I feel like too.
00:49:51.500 So there's this pastor that I follow up here in Idaho and he got in a lot of trouble online
00:49:55.620 for basically making a post that was encouraging women to take care of themselves kind of for
00:50:02.660 their husband, but just in general.
00:50:04.220 And he's, he worded the statement in a way, like I said, that really made people mad, something
00:50:08.020 along the lines of like, show people how well your husband loves you by like taking care
00:50:13.120 of yourself.
00:50:13.960 And, you know, I feel like I was able to see through the angry parts that people had.
00:50:18.460 And I was like, I totally get this.
00:50:19.860 We don't have to be supermodels.
00:50:21.720 It's not about us looking perfect.
00:50:23.760 It really is like, Oh, do I give this?
00:50:26.960 Like I'll, I'll, I'll make it PG.
00:50:28.700 My husband loves me whether I'm done up or not.
00:50:31.420 Like he loves me and he is enthralled with me, but there is something about just a little
00:50:38.360 bit of effort.
00:50:38.980 Like it's noticed it's, it's, it adds to it.
00:50:42.380 And so I think sometimes I feel like women will get confused with the sentiment of like
00:50:46.660 what?
00:50:47.200 So like, like I'm a mom, I'm tired.
00:50:49.100 I'm supposed to be a supermodel.
00:50:50.520 It's like, no, no, no.
00:50:51.580 You're not supposed to be a supermodel, but you know, we could brush our hair every once 0.98
00:50:55.740 in a while.
00:50:56.080 And I'm not trying to lower the bar so much either, you know, to where it's like, come
00:51:00.160 on, we try a little hard on that.
00:51:01.220 But there is this element of like, just keep going, just a little more effort, like just
00:51:06.400 keep going.
00:51:07.900 Well, and the truth is that like we as women take, I think it's, it's, it's unrealistic
00:51:14.580 that on either side, we would want our spouse to be, to just give up.
00:51:19.300 Right.
00:51:19.520 Like as a woman, I, my husband knows he has, he has a beard and when he lets his beard go
00:51:27.820 about three weeks before he gets a trim, he knows I'm like, no, I don't like it.
00:51:32.920 This isn't my thing.
00:51:33.960 Not my favorite.
00:51:35.040 He knows that's the case.
00:51:36.540 And sometimes, you know, he'll, he'll let it grow a little longer because it's just hard
00:51:40.340 to make time to go get a beard trim, but he knows as soon as he gets it, I'm like, I
00:51:44.180 love it.
00:51:44.840 Yeah, exactly.
00:51:46.500 Exactly.
00:51:47.040 And it's exactly.
00:51:48.500 And it's, I think that it is, you know, I have a lot of thoughts on this topic, but
00:51:53.420 I think it really is important for both, for both sides to keep themselves attractive.
00:51:59.960 And again, that doesn't mean, like you said, looking like a supermodel, but it means putting
00:52:03.940 in effort, taking care of your body, putting in just a little bit more time to look attractive
00:52:08.740 to your spouse, because the whole point of getting married is that you and your spouse
00:52:12.580 are only for one another.
00:52:14.040 And if that's the case, like it's, it's a kindness to make the person you've dedicated
00:52:19.460 your life to feel excited to look at you.
00:52:24.040 Like, that's a really beautiful thing.
00:52:26.080 It's a gift that you're sharing with your spouse, both people.
00:52:29.180 Yes.
00:52:29.340 And like, you want them to look at you like, okay, I'm putting on this effort and I want
00:52:34.440 it.
00:52:34.660 It's, I'm not just willing to get dressed up for a night with the girls or just willing
00:52:38.380 to get dressed up to go to work.
00:52:39.680 It's like, I'm willing to just get dressed up to live and like dressed up, like I said,
00:52:43.920 the spectrum, right?
00:52:44.940 I walked into the bathroom the other day and I was like, Oh, looking rough and tired.
00:52:49.240 I was feeling rough and tired, but I spent 30 seconds to reclip my hair.
00:52:54.820 And I put on a little bit of blush.
00:52:56.060 Cause I felt like I looked just a little, be mean to myself, a little color.
00:53:00.860 And it must've been 20 to 30 seconds.
00:53:03.800 And I walked out feeling different.
00:53:06.160 I felt like, okay, I look, I look more, I don't want to say presentable, but you get
00:53:11.400 my gist.
00:53:11.940 It was like, I just felt better about myself.
00:53:14.480 Yeah.
00:53:14.700 And I always say that it's actually, I actually wrote a whole article about this way back in
00:53:19.160 the day.
00:53:19.440 The idea that it's actually not the best to have, if you are in a bad mood to have your
00:53:26.760 outer self reflect that.
00:53:28.280 So like a couple of days ago, I was feeling really tired, really down.
00:53:32.920 I hadn't had a good night's sleep.
00:53:34.380 I looked in the mirror.
00:53:35.500 I had like not washed my eye makeup well.
00:53:38.360 So I had like the raccoon eyes.
00:53:40.460 I got my hair up in like a, in like a messy bun. 0.79
00:53:43.280 I was wearing disgusting clothes.
00:53:44.900 And I was like, this is not helping my self-esteem right now.
00:53:50.520 This is adding to the negative feelings that I have.
00:53:54.280 Right, right.
00:53:55.020 And there's something very like special about if I had just done what you did, which was
00:53:59.260 to maybe wash off my face, throw my hair up in a ponytail and maybe just throw on a
00:54:04.000 little bit of blush.
00:54:04.680 I could have been like, you know what?
00:54:06.000 My, the, the world isn't as bad as it seems and I'm not as bad as I look right now.
00:54:11.840 Yes.
00:54:12.340 And like, I didn't feel amazing afterwards.
00:54:15.060 It wasn't like, wow, look at me.
00:54:16.520 I'm ready to walk the runway.
00:54:17.600 But it really was like, it took the edge off of just those feelings that I had when
00:54:23.120 I looked in the mirror.
00:54:23.880 I was like, oh gosh.
00:54:24.980 And it just like, you know, calmed it all down a little bit.
00:54:28.560 Yeah, absolutely.
00:54:30.260 So now let's get into our premium subscriber questions.
00:54:34.300 If you would like to submit questions for podcast episodes, just like this, make sure
00:54:38.660 to head over to my Substack newsletter where you'll get access to a ton of exclusive content,
00:54:42.800 including my book club and a bunch of other really great things.
00:54:45.960 So let's get into the first question, which is what's the hardest aspect of having a YouTube
00:54:52.500 channel?
00:54:54.100 Ooh, you know, that's changed over the years.
00:54:58.500 It's been a different answer at different times, you know?
00:55:00.540 So like a few years ago, I would have probably said keeping up my YouTube channel while trying
00:55:05.400 to build this whole other production company I was working on.
00:55:08.560 So it was a different beast back then.
00:55:09.780 It was like, how do I keep all that content up?
00:55:12.260 Now I would say it's two different things.
00:55:15.040 One, yes, continuing to produce content.
00:55:18.400 Like I said, not to be too much of a Debbie Downer, but my whole workflow totally changed
00:55:23.520 after going through the cancellation.
00:55:25.020 So that's actually been part of the juggle as well now.
00:55:27.900 Like I had a full-time editor before.
00:55:30.420 And so now, I mean, I started YouTube, obviously, editing on my own.
00:55:34.400 And editing is something on a side note that I'm super passionate about, but it's time consuming.
00:55:39.220 And so figuring out kind of going back to this position of like juggling most of my projects
00:55:45.320 on my own, like getting them up and getting them out while figuring out how to do the
00:55:51.920 whole motherhood thing.
00:55:52.740 Like even though my son is three and maybe I should have it together more than I do, I
00:55:57.660 feel like I'm still figuring it out.
00:55:59.360 A, because he's kid number one.
00:56:00.900 And B, I can't even believe it's been three years.
00:56:04.140 Like I had him in January, 2020.
00:56:06.320 So right at the beginning of the pandemic and everything kind of went crazy for us.
00:56:11.120 Like our church shut down, like everything was just wild.
00:56:13.920 So I feel like in some ways, I'm still kind of getting my footing with the whole parenting
00:56:18.920 thing.
00:56:19.360 Um, and being a mom is like up there ahead of my YouTuber, you know, role or whatever,
00:56:26.180 but being a YouTuber or content creator, whatever you want to call me is super important to me
00:56:31.980 as well.
00:56:32.780 So that's probably been one of the hardest things is figuring out how to juggle it.
00:56:38.080 And then the other thing, which is shorter and we already talked about was figuring out
00:56:41.420 how to take people's feedback.
00:56:43.320 Like I've never wanted to just lump everyone in as like, oh, they're just a hater.
00:56:46.880 Bye.
00:56:47.340 Right.
00:56:47.600 Because I want to learn, I want to continue to grow.
00:56:50.360 And I want, honestly, my content creation as well as my communication to just get better
00:56:56.140 as time goes on.
00:56:57.080 So, but also not, not like not throwing it all out.
00:57:01.240 Oh, they're just haters.
00:57:01.900 Bye.
00:57:02.300 But also not clinging onto all these people's words because ultimately they don't know me.
00:57:07.140 You know, there's that phrase, like you could be the sweetest peach and like someone still
00:57:09.960 hates peaches.
00:57:10.700 So navigating which comments actually matter, which ones to hold on to, which ones to release
00:57:16.100 has also been a little bit of like a learning curve, especially in the last couple of years
00:57:21.220 as things kind of changed.
00:57:22.940 Yeah.
00:57:23.440 So yeah, those are my answers.
00:57:25.000 To be honest, the first one I totally relate to.
00:57:28.020 And I don't think that it's weird to think that like, oh, your son is three.
00:57:32.200 So you figured it out because I'm realizing every stage is different.
00:57:36.900 So you're constantly having to shift the goalposts.
00:57:40.160 You're just like, oh, I totally get it.
00:57:42.920 Like he's, we've been doing the same thing for two weeks and now we're totally on a schedule
00:57:46.820 and a routine and it's great.
00:57:48.040 And then everything changes the next day.
00:57:50.100 And you're like, nevermind.
00:57:51.420 Glad I enjoyed it for that amount of time.
00:57:53.980 Exactly.
00:57:54.840 It's like, oh, hi, new person.
00:57:56.620 Where'd you come from?
00:57:57.860 Right.
00:57:58.220 So I don't think that that, that, that makes sense to me.
00:58:00.800 Like fair enough.
00:58:02.140 Thanks, Abby.
00:58:02.840 Thanks.
00:58:03.180 I appreciate it.
00:58:04.680 Cool.
00:58:05.080 So as a Christian, here's the next question.
00:58:08.260 As a Christian, what does the gospel look like in your marriage and in motherhood?
00:58:13.940 Oh man, forgiveness, forgiveness, forgiveness.
00:58:18.140 So for, for me, um, just the gospel message in general is one of, uh, forgiveness and love,
00:58:26.900 like kind of running hand in hand.
00:58:28.880 And I feel like that's really, especially with my marriage, like Logan just got here.
00:58:34.680 Not that I haven't experienced that with him over the last three years.
00:58:37.360 And it's definitely like he's growing up.
00:58:40.500 So I'm feeling it more, you know, like he's three now seeing the forgiveness thing really
00:58:45.020 need to, like that made me really mad.
00:58:47.820 Um, but that's really, that's really what it, what it is.
00:58:50.760 You know, I think a lot about like, are you going to forgive?
00:58:54.400 Because Jesus said, we're supposed to forgive seven times 70, like on and on and on and on
00:58:58.860 And, you know, that's not in the, obviously if we're referring to other things, you're 0.95
00:59:02.620 not trying to be stupid and put yourself in bad positions. 0.64
00:59:04.740 But in regards to my husband who loves me deeply and has tried to do nothing but improve 0.98
00:59:11.740 upon his character and become more sanctified and hopefully more like Christ, I think I
00:59:16.360 need to extend forgiveness.
00:59:17.460 You know what I mean?
00:59:17.940 And when you live with someone for so long, you just, it's this weird combination of like,
00:59:23.800 you also start to notice more.
00:59:25.140 It almost like you, there's more things for you to forgive because you know them more intimately.
00:59:29.440 And so you see little things and it's like, dude, how do I stay in that position of, of
00:59:34.040 not judging him?
00:59:35.460 And then also choosing to forgive him when he comes to me and says, Hey, I'm sorry that I
00:59:40.600 didn't hit that mark.
00:59:41.380 Like, that's a weird way to put it.
00:59:42.980 That sounds ultra specific.
00:59:43.920 But like what you had hoped that I had, I would do or how I would handle this, um, will
00:59:48.840 you forgive me?
00:59:49.520 It's like, I have to step up and actually forgive, not just, you know, whatever.
00:59:54.400 It's like, I need to, I need to reconcile this relationship and step back into fellowship,
00:59:58.620 um, is one way to put it.
01:00:00.820 So that's really what it means for me.
01:00:04.380 And with my son, like I said, it's the same thing, forgiveness and love.
01:00:09.580 Um, it's a little different with him because obviously like, I'm not trying to introduce the
01:00:13.780 gospel to my husband, like we're on the same page, but with my son, I mean, you know, it's
01:00:19.200 interesting and introducing a human to faith, um, and sharing what that really means and
01:00:25.920 prayer.
01:00:26.960 And yeah, I feel like every time I start to answer a question, I'm not quite sure where
01:00:31.660 to end.
01:00:32.000 So then I just keep like, but to be fair, I get it because I think that that's it.
01:00:37.960 These are questions that are open-ended in a sense.
01:00:40.360 Yeah.
01:00:40.780 And so it is difficult to say like, okay, well, there's a lot I want to say about this,
01:00:46.380 but here's a hard stop.
01:00:47.480 I mean, I think, and they're deep questions.
01:00:49.740 So it's like, okay, how do I, yeah, I have the best subscribers.
01:00:52.460 I'm very lucky that they give such good questions, but, um, I think that that's a really beautiful
01:00:58.800 thing to incorporate into your life.
01:01:00.240 And I think it's something that we're constantly, I mean, it's a struggle for everybody to, to
01:01:07.180 constantly be living with someone that you love and adore and forgive them for all the
01:01:12.080 little things that they do.
01:01:13.200 Like, it's just, that's the challenge of marriage that, that makes marriage so worth it is that
01:01:21.100 we do do those things that we can, you know, bother one another and annoy one another.
01:01:26.860 And then at the same time, turn around and say, yeah, but you are the only person I want
01:01:31.800 to commit my life to.
01:01:33.200 Yes.
01:01:33.720 And, and, you know, oh, I don't know if this is bad to say, but someone sent me a clip of
01:01:38.820 a video the other day or not a clip.
01:01:40.500 They sent me the whole video and I watched the whole thing.
01:01:42.240 And it's a, it's a content creator that went through a full on cancellation just shortly
01:01:47.140 before we went through ours.
01:01:49.820 And it really, um, refocused my perspective on everything in a totally different way because
01:01:56.700 her and her husband ended up getting divorced and it really flashed me back.
01:02:01.740 Abby, I have, I told you, I've been married to Dan for 15 years.
01:02:04.640 The hardest year of our marriage, the whole time was year one.
01:02:08.220 The second hardest year of our whole marriage was the year of the cancellation.
01:02:12.480 And so even thinking about like, how does the gospel play into my marriage and this element
01:02:16.840 of forgiveness?
01:02:17.740 I don't want to say, I think it gets harder as you get older.
01:02:21.380 Cause I think maybe some things, you know, like you get closer, you, your relationship
01:02:24.780 goes deeper, but I think that because the longer you're alive, you're just going to
01:02:28.520 experience more heartache and more like just more happens, right?
01:02:32.860 People die, people get sick.
01:02:34.280 Um, I think in that sense, maybe it can get, it can get harder because you're stretched
01:02:38.740 and forced to go even, even deeper in your relationship as you go through those things.
01:02:43.240 So I just left our cancellation also feeling extremely grateful about that on a side note that,
01:02:47.940 that our marriage was made stronger and that we didn't, we didn't crumble under that because
01:02:53.100 I can totally understand how and why people could crumble under that.
01:02:58.540 Yeah.
01:02:59.140 Yeah.
01:02:59.760 So I don't know if this is going to be your answer.
01:03:02.420 So I'm curious, but, uh, do you, did you ever come to a major crossroads in your life?
01:03:09.120 And if so, what did you choose?
01:03:12.840 Yeah.
01:03:14.000 Um, interesting.
01:03:16.000 I could give like four different answers, right?
01:03:19.560 Right.
01:03:19.720 I feel like there's so many things that we come to a crossroads where I'm like, yes,
01:03:23.440 this was the time I made a big decision.
01:03:26.600 Exactly.
01:03:27.220 I mean, having my son was a crossroads, like getting married to Dan at 20 was a crossroads.
01:03:33.280 Um, going to Singapore was a crossroads, leaving California, I would say it was a really big
01:03:39.320 one.
01:03:39.600 Um, because for me, that was, that was, I mean, that was so many things, including choosing
01:03:47.360 to believe that we could, we could leave California and build a different life and keep doing things
01:03:53.820 that we, we loved.
01:03:55.200 Um, whoops, someone's calling me decline.
01:03:57.280 Sorry.
01:03:57.640 I thought I had that on airplane mode.
01:03:58.760 Um, yeah, that was, that was probably one of the bigger crossroads, I guess, that we
01:04:04.580 haven't talked about in recent time was going, oh my gosh, she's calling back decline, turning
01:04:09.260 you on airplane mode now officially was going to Nashville was leaving California because
01:04:13.240 I had been running a production company at the time.
01:04:15.920 And I just really started to feel like that was not what we were supposed to be doing.
01:04:20.460 And it became heavier and heavier and heavier.
01:04:22.640 And one thing led to the next, that's a whole other long story, but it was actually one of
01:04:26.940 the few I've had three moments in my life where I've felt like God was speaking to me.
01:04:33.440 That's the only way I know how to put it.
01:04:34.780 One was in regards to my husband that he basically, God said to me, he's my gift to you.
01:04:40.020 It's a whole long thing.
01:04:40.780 I'm trying to summarize it.
01:04:42.260 The second one was in regards to YouTube.
01:04:44.180 And the third one was in regards to moving to Nashville.
01:04:46.800 And so it felt like obviously a huge deal.
01:04:49.600 It was very life-changing to leave the California YouTube grind and leave to a state that was
01:04:58.780 slower, not so much focused around the money hustle, but then still diving back in and being
01:05:05.820 like, okay, I'm not running this production company.
01:05:07.340 What do I want to make now?
01:05:08.740 So that was probably one of the bigger turns because that really switched.
01:05:12.940 That was also a big crossroads or a turning point for me in terms of like how I saw the world
01:05:19.120 in a lot of ways.
01:05:19.820 Like that's where I started realizing I wanted kids.
01:05:22.380 That's where I started realizing like, hey, I want to live a slower life than the one I
01:05:26.640 was living before.
01:05:28.680 Yeah.
01:05:29.300 I could keep going, but that's the gist.
01:05:30.800 Yeah.
01:05:31.380 No, I mean, there are so many times we come to crossroads in our life that you don't even
01:05:36.320 real, like you, there are times where you come to a crossroads where you're very aware
01:05:40.760 that it's a crossroad.
01:05:41.620 And then there are times where you are kind of not aware until afterwards that you made
01:05:46.240 a choice.
01:05:47.140 And it seems like this was a situation where you were very aware that it was a crossroads
01:05:51.440 and you had to make a decision that you were, that, that clearly turned out, I mean, well
01:05:56.520 for you given where you are now.
01:05:58.160 Yeah.
01:05:58.580 You know, and people have asked me before, like, well, I thought God told you to go to
01:06:01.900 Nashville.
01:06:02.260 Like, why are you in Idaho?
01:06:03.940 And I've said to people like, dude, I mean, first off, I like to use the phrase.
01:06:08.720 I felt like God was talking to me, but it was one of only three times.
01:06:11.700 I'm not throwing this around often, but second off, I don't know that just because you feel
01:06:16.180 like a calling from the Lord in your life, that that means like, this is what you're doing
01:06:20.300 forever.
01:06:20.840 Like that was clearly the next step for us and Nashville radically changed my worldview or
01:06:27.080 maybe, maybe honed it in more.
01:06:28.760 That's a better way to put it.
01:06:29.820 Um, and so I'm so great.
01:06:31.520 I'm so grateful for my time there and, and what he taught me through just exiting Los
01:06:37.040 Angeles.
01:06:37.880 Yeah.
01:06:38.780 So I think we're going to do one more question.
01:06:41.680 Cool.
01:06:42.200 So what, where do you see yourself and what do you see yourself doing in 10, 15, 20 years?
01:06:50.000 Oh, Abby.
01:06:51.320 Um, well, I think I'm, unless God has other plans for me, I think I'm always going to be
01:06:57.740 some semblance of like a creator.
01:07:00.000 I know that that's really vague.
01:07:01.640 Um, I'm actually currently working and I can't believe this.
01:07:04.720 I was sitting at the computer yesterday and I'm like, Dan, do you know how long this has
01:07:08.160 been in the making?
01:07:08.680 Like I can flash back to myself in sixth grade when my mom took me out to homeschool me
01:07:13.320 out of school.
01:07:14.360 And when I got home, I was so excited to like be able to make my own lunches.
01:07:19.160 And I just fell even deeper in love with cooking.
01:07:22.560 And so point being, I'm working on a cookbook right now and I was sitting, I'm excited.
01:07:27.160 I know I'm very excited.
01:07:28.620 I'm like embracing it more and more.
01:07:30.200 I'm like, Nikki, you've now been working on this for like five months.
01:07:32.380 Like it's time to start embracing that you're working on a cookbook.
01:07:35.160 I'd be like, I'm building a little thing with like some recipes.
01:07:37.580 It's like, no, I'm doing it.
01:07:39.300 And so I'm really excited about that.
01:07:41.720 And the reason I bring that up is not only because obviously I'm working on it, but is
01:07:46.220 to say I will probably be some semblance of a creator my whole life.
01:07:52.060 Like I said, enlist God has other plans.
01:07:54.320 I mean, we have this in common.
01:07:55.560 I love music and I've learned more and more as years have gone on, like how to actually,
01:08:01.040 well, first off, I've been playing piano more.
01:08:03.460 So I'm becoming more of an actual musician.
01:08:05.240 I'm learning how to record music.
01:08:08.060 Yeah, I really don't, I really don't know.
01:08:10.940 I don't know where God's going to take me.
01:08:12.120 Well, you know what?
01:08:12.840 That takes me to, you know what?
01:08:14.760 This will be our last, last question.
01:08:15.980 Okay, okay.
01:08:16.620 And it's my question.
01:08:18.080 Sometimes what happens is I get inspired during our premium subscriber question segment and
01:08:22.300 I have to ask a question of my own.
01:08:24.080 So here is my final question for you.
01:08:27.820 And I was thinking about this earlier in the podcast.
01:08:30.180 And so it fits in perfectly here because I think it's such an interesting thing to be
01:08:34.540 a creative.
01:08:35.580 And I say be a creative because like someone who's in the creative space and also be conservative
01:08:41.300 because I think most people don't equate those two things.
01:08:44.760 Yeah.
01:08:45.380 How do you feel that those things balance or play off each other or make sense for the
01:08:54.040 people who are like, how can you be a creative and also have, you know, more traditional values
01:08:58.500 or be conservative?
01:09:00.100 Yeah, yeah.
01:09:01.620 So you're just wondering like how I think those things kind of hold hands.
01:09:04.700 Yeah, because I think that so much if somebody, you know, finds out that I'm an opera singer
01:09:09.760 before they know anything else about me, they're going to assume I'm on the left.
01:09:14.700 And I mean, that was why that was part of the reason that I couldn't be openly conservative.
01:09:18.580 So I think it's always interesting to meet other people who are creative and not just
01:09:23.600 YouTubers, but people who are creative.
01:09:26.500 Like you'd make music and you cook and you do all these things that are such creative
01:09:30.920 endeavors.
01:09:32.680 How does that fit in with kind of conservative values?
01:09:36.600 Do you think that it does?
01:09:37.660 Do you think those influence each other or do you think they're just separate?
01:09:40.540 Yeah.
01:09:40.880 You know, I think they fit in when you have your priorities right.
01:09:44.740 Um, meaning like, I don't think it necessarily would fit in if I was still living life in
01:09:50.380 LA, working on sets all the time, because just like you said, the environment is tends
01:09:55.400 to be very left-leaning.
01:09:56.900 So it's a different environment to be around in general on like a big professional Hollywood
01:10:00.440 set.
01:10:01.160 Um, but also like your, your time, like you're just, when you're on set for 14 hours, like
01:10:07.240 it's kind of hard to live out traditional values.
01:10:10.300 You know what I mean?
01:10:10.800 That's true.
01:10:11.380 So I see it as just like, in terms of, I don't know, I've had this conversation with a few
01:10:16.140 people about like the Proverbs 31 woman and how she works, but she's kind of mostly working 1.00
01:10:21.860 out of her home.
01:10:22.520 And so I just see like what I do as that, but my skillset, you know, that's at least
01:10:28.540 proven monetizable.
01:10:29.620 And like what I love is artistic leaning endeavors, you know, music and video creation and just
01:10:36.780 all of that kind of stuff.
01:10:37.800 And, you know, this is like, I've been creating professionally to some degree since I was
01:10:42.040 like 14 and it's changed a lot.
01:10:44.660 I'm glad it's changed a lot.
01:10:46.700 Um, but yeah, that, that's kind of how I see it.
01:10:48.680 I feel like we live in a really, in some ways in a really unique time and in other ways,
01:10:52.020 not so much, because like I said, I gave the comparison to the Proverbs 31 woman.
01:10:55.200 I think there's always been an element of a woman being able to be creative out of her 0.99
01:11:00.520 home.
01:11:00.800 Like if she has the time, um, I love that.
01:11:04.000 It didn't even occur to me until you said it, that so much of the, I think so much of
01:11:08.900 the reason people can't equate, um, creative endeavors with, you know, traditional values
01:11:14.460 is just the time investment that it takes to reach a certain level of accomplishment.
01:11:21.340 Yeah.
01:11:21.820 And that didn't, that never has occurred to me because it's so true. 1.00
01:11:24.420 I mean, if you're going to be the best opera singer, if you're going to be the best, I
01:11:28.120 don't know, whatever else it is, you have to be completely and entirely dedicated to
01:11:33.180 the detriment of everything else.
01:11:35.180 But that doesn't mean that you can't be creative and prioritize the right things.
01:11:39.860 It just means that maybe what that creative endeavor is going to look like is a little
01:11:44.140 bit different.
01:11:45.340 Yes, exactly.
01:11:46.340 And like, I think there's also an element sometimes of like redefining success.
01:11:49.960 Like, okay, what does, what does success mean to me?
01:11:52.240 Not only within the confines of like my family and my relationships and the community that
01:11:57.220 I'm building, but even in terms of my art, because yeah, you're right.
01:12:01.640 You're going to get different results for like different, I don't know, amount of time
01:12:05.240 that you've put in different crowds that you're running in.
01:12:07.520 Um, but I just, I think, yeah, I know a lot of creative women up here that are, are stay 1.00
01:12:14.360 at home moms, but they're still creating something, whether it's like they're doing photography or
01:12:18.940 I have a friend, um, and it has like an online business, you know, it's just, it depends.
01:12:24.140 Sorry, my thoughts kind of trailed there, but that's the, that's the gist of how I feel
01:12:27.820 that like, it's totally possible.
01:12:30.380 It just depends on your priorities.
01:12:32.160 And the cool thing about, Oh, I don't want to use this phrase, but we're going to say
01:12:35.660 it conservative art.
01:12:37.240 Right.
01:12:38.120 Is that the artist is obviously always creating art, like from their worldview.
01:12:44.560 And I think that there's something beautiful and so cool and desperately needed for people
01:12:50.780 who have these more traditional worldviews to share how they see things, share the art
01:12:56.900 that they're creating.
01:12:58.320 Um, because I think that that's also part of how culture changes as well, like through art
01:13:03.480 and through people being able to visualize things and see it.
01:13:06.940 And like I mentioned at the beginning, that's part of what I love about making my videos
01:13:10.640 is like showing people the beauty that I'm experiencing in not only my everyday life, but
01:13:16.320 even in like just motherhood and creating a home.
01:13:19.040 Because like I said, for me, that was not, that was not really what I saw elevated.
01:13:22.960 I saw the opposite, you know, girl boss, kids are too hard to handle. 1.00
01:13:27.640 You're going to be throwing your life away.
01:13:29.140 And so if I can share with people like the unexpected beauty that I've experienced and
01:13:35.240 the gift of my husband and getting to take care of my son at my home and at my home, in
01:13:42.280 my home, that's worded weird, but you get it.
01:13:44.120 Um, it's just a gift.
01:13:45.180 And I'm, I'm so grateful that the internet allows us to like get our art out there.
01:13:51.100 I'm just, I'm really grateful.
01:13:53.300 Well, I think that is a perfect place to stop.
01:13:56.640 I love everything that we talked about today.
01:13:59.000 It was so great having you on.
01:14:00.540 So tell everyone where they can find you.
01:14:02.460 Cause I want to make sure that my subscribers can follow you and figure out where, where
01:14:06.680 you're, where you're at.
01:14:08.440 At.
01:14:08.860 Thanks, Abby.
01:14:10.000 Well, my, my husband was smarter than me when I started YouTube.
01:14:13.360 I wanted to come up with like a fun username.
01:14:15.680 Like we always joke, like sparkly butterfly 26 or whatever.
01:14:18.840 And he was like, no, just use your name.
01:14:21.380 So anywhere on the internet, I mean, we had like a full on thing too.
01:14:24.940 I was like, Dan, it's gotta be cool. 0.81
01:14:26.460 He was like, this is ridiculous.
01:14:27.700 So you can look me up online, Nikki Philippi. 0.93
01:14:31.160 It's just N I K K I.
01:14:33.120 And then Philippi is with a P H I. 1.00
01:14:35.620 And that's my name all over the internet, Instagram, YouTube, pretty much the main spots.
01:14:41.800 I'm there.
01:14:43.160 Perfect.
01:14:44.100 So everyone go give Nikki a follow guys. 0.96
01:14:48.020 And I'm hoping to have Abby on my channel soon too.
01:14:51.460 So you guys will have to keep a lookout for that because this has been all in the works
01:14:55.140 for a while and I'm just pumped.
01:14:56.840 We're moving forward on it.
01:14:58.200 Yeah, me too.
01:14:58.800 I can't wait for that.
01:14:59.720 That's going to be awesome.
01:15:00.900 So make sure to subscribe to this podcast if you haven't already.
01:15:04.680 And I would love if you would leave a review on Apple podcasts.
01:15:07.080 That really helps me out.
01:15:08.640 Thank you all so much for listening and I'll see you in my next episode.
01:15:12.600 Bye.
01:15:12.960 Bye.
01:15:13.880 Bye.
01:15:13.980 Bye.
01:15:14.000 Bye.
01:15:14.500 Bye.
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01:15:15.100 Bye.
01:15:15.120 Bye.
01:15:15.140 Bye.
01:15:15.200 Bye.
01:15:17.140 Bye.
01:15:17.200 Bye.
01:15:19.200 Bye.
01:15:19.260 Bye.
01:15:19.280 Bye.
01:15:19.320 Bye.
01:15:21.460 Bye.
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01:15:49.300 Bye.
01:15:49.980 Bye.
01:15:50.400 Bye.
01:15:50.440 Bye.
01:15:51.280 Bye.
01:15:51.460 Thank you.
01:16:21.460 Thank you.
01:16:51.460 Thank you.
01:17:21.460 Thank you.
01:17:51.460 Thank you.
01:18:21.460 Thank you.
01:18:51.460 Thank you.