The Comment Section with Drew Afualo - ACCOUNTABILABUDDIES Ft. Chris Fleming

00:00:00.000 Also, your point about coyotes, I have a whole bunch behind my house.

00:00:04.000 I don't know why.

00:00:05.240 I have some that sing at 12, 17 a.m. every single night.

00:00:08.780 That exact time?

00:00:09.720 12, 17.

00:00:10.660 It's the craziest thing.

00:00:12.160 They check their watch.

00:00:13.100 They're like, it's time.

00:00:14.060 Yeah.

00:00:14.760 They like cackle, like hyenas.

00:00:18.180 The sounds are...

00:00:19.280 They're horrifying.

00:00:20.800 Sometimes they sound like women screaming. 0.96

00:00:23.240 Yeah, they sound like Jojo Siwa.

00:00:30.000 Hey, everyone, and welcome back to another episode of the Comment Section Show, starring

00:00:35.760 me, your fave, everybody knows me, who cares about me.

00:00:38.220 On to the guest.

00:00:39.420 Today, we have the iconic, the hilarious, the amazing Chris Fleming.

00:00:44.400 I care about you, Ejri.

00:00:47.000 I don't.

00:00:47.820 I don't know why I thought it was going to be amplified.

00:00:49.060 I thought I was going to hear myself amplified.

00:00:50.420 It was going to echo.

00:00:51.380 Yeah.

00:00:51.700 You're used to the headphones.

00:00:52.740 Yeah.

00:00:53.040 Welcome to the show.

00:00:53.800 Yeah.

00:00:54.200 It feels kind of au naturel without the phones.

00:00:57.000 It does.

00:00:57.740 Oh, I like that.

00:00:58.340 Real, real genuine energy between us.

00:01:00.640 We could be in the woods right now.

00:01:02.440 And maybe we are.

00:01:03.400 Yeah.

00:01:03.760 We could be in a bunker.

00:01:06.020 Yeah.

00:01:06.580 I am so honored to have you as a guest.

00:01:08.860 Honored.

00:01:09.460 Honored.

00:01:10.040 With the UR?

00:01:10.820 The British way? 0.97

00:01:12.380 Nah.

00:01:13.020 Okay.

00:01:13.520 Good old fashioned.

00:01:14.260 The Nebraskan way? 0.92

00:01:15.500 Yeah.

00:01:16.980 Honored.

00:01:17.920 Chris Fleming is a very successful and hilarious stand-up comedian.

00:01:22.560 Thank you.

00:01:22.900 I don't think I've been described as successful to my face.

00:01:26.440 That's nice.

00:01:27.080 Well, you know, it's our first time hanging, so I gotta be nice.

00:01:30.280 Gotta lie.

00:01:30.840 No, we hung backstage briefly.

00:01:32.160 Well, we were-

00:01:33.040 Briefly.

00:01:33.380 We cohabitated.

00:01:34.280 Yeah, we did.

00:01:35.000 We didn't hang.

00:01:35.940 I stalked around-

00:01:37.360 Passing ships.

00:01:38.640 Yeah.

00:01:39.420 We were really gliding right past one another.

00:01:43.340 Yeah.

00:01:43.780 But it was a time to be had.

00:01:45.580 An instant connection, you and I.

00:01:47.260 Oh, yeah.

00:01:47.880 I think.

00:01:48.460 Oh, it was electric.

00:01:50.320 It's just palpable.

00:01:51.560 Yeah.

00:01:52.480 I don't think-

00:01:53.240 I usually dry heave before shows.

00:01:54.720 Did you see me dry heave?

00:01:55.580 I don't think I was dry heave-ing that night.

00:01:56.940 No, I didn't.

00:01:58.560 And I'm also glad I didn't.

00:01:59.700 Yeah.

00:02:01.060 Yeah.

00:02:01.460 Yeah.

00:02:02.220 Dry heave-ing is just like a-

00:02:04.000 Just one of your routines?

00:02:05.060 Yeah.

00:02:05.400 Well, I used to get so nervous that I would dry heave.

00:02:07.360 Really?

00:02:07.840 And then I started thinking I had to dry heave to wake my body up to perform.

00:02:12.060 Interesting.

00:02:12.980 That kind of thing.

00:02:13.480 So it's like vocal exercises, but it's just you violently gagging in the room.

00:02:18.340 Mm-hmm.

00:02:19.140 Yeah.

00:02:19.400 You're all, one second, please.

00:02:20.760 Yeah.

00:02:21.280 And you're all, ugh.

00:02:22.320 Is he okay?

00:02:23.140 Yeah.

00:02:23.520 I'm ready to go.

00:02:24.400 Yeah.

00:02:25.840 Yeah.

00:02:26.240 With an arched back on the ground.

00:02:28.400 Like a cat?

00:02:29.020 Yeah.

00:02:29.480 Yeah.

00:02:29.740 I imagine it's like when a seagull's swallowing a piece of fish.

00:02:33.760 It's like-

00:02:34.800 My dog did that with a sock.

00:02:38.160 My therapist was like, how's that dog wearing out?

00:02:41.780 And I look outside and he's throwing a sock up and then he unhinges his jaw and it just

00:02:46.380 goes down his throat.

00:02:47.660 Really?

00:02:48.000 And I had to take him to emergency vet.

00:02:49.140 Yeah.

00:02:49.520 I was like, excuse me.

00:02:50.880 It was five minutes into therapy.

00:02:52.800 You're like, I actually have to log off really quick, but I will bring this up on the next

00:02:56.020 session.

00:02:56.340 He's old and dangerous and he tries to bite me every day.

00:03:03.600 Does he know he's your dog or you're just kind of cornering him?

00:03:06.980 Um, it's like a parole officer situation that I, yeah, it's, it's disrespect is keeping

00:03:13.160 him alive for me.

00:03:14.540 Ooh, did you get those at the Ugg store?

00:03:16.560 No, I actually got them as a gift.

00:03:18.340 Okay.

00:03:18.840 I don't know where they came.

00:03:19.700 I would assume they came from an Ugg something or other.

00:03:22.640 If that was supposed to be our little secret that I see Ugg on the back, I'm sorry.

00:03:26.960 Spotify can cut that.

00:03:28.120 It's okay.

00:03:28.600 There's a wide.

00:03:29.600 They'll see it.

00:03:30.160 Also, I didn't know Spotify is doing video.

00:03:32.880 Oh yeah, girl. 0.86

00:03:33.540 I saw your, I opened an episode and I thought I was having like an anesthesia flashback or

00:03:38.660 something.

00:03:39.460 You're rolling all of a sudden.

00:03:40.920 Yeah.

00:03:41.320 Yeah.

00:03:41.820 So you and EJ Marcus on spot.

00:03:43.800 I'm like, am I, am I, am I getting hacked?

00:03:46.760 I love EJ.

00:03:48.140 Oh, EJ's great.

00:03:49.320 Amazing.

00:03:50.340 Uh, Chris and I both opened for our good friend, Caleb Heron.

00:03:54.260 Yes.

00:03:54.480 Good friend, mortal enemy.

00:03:55.860 Same thing.

00:03:56.580 It's all the same at the end of the day.

00:03:58.360 Deviant.

00:03:58.920 Yeah.

00:03:59.200 Yeah. 0.99

00:03:59.640 Sexual deviant. 0.99

00:04:00.720 Actually. 0.96

00:04:01.400 Oh yes.

00:04:01.960 Just untrustworthy.

00:04:03.460 Unsavory. 1.00

00:04:05.140 Thief. 1.00

00:04:07.060 A liar. 1.00

00:04:08.320 Huge liar. 1.00

00:04:09.260 God. 0.99

00:04:09.580 All of the things.

00:04:10.620 Even when you're noble, hot, rich, all the things.

00:04:17.500 I feel like he would have been huge in the nineties.

00:04:19.660 And I mean that in the good way.

00:04:20.800 Literally.

00:04:21.640 Like, no, I mean like he would have had a talk show in the nineties.

00:04:24.740 Probably.

00:04:25.280 Like a talk show that all of our moms would watch. 1.00

00:04:28.720 Do you know what I mean?

00:04:29.560 I don't know.

00:04:29.680 Yeah, totally.

00:04:30.560 Like a Dr. Phil situation.

00:04:32.360 Or maybe more so Dr. Oz.

00:04:34.280 Cause like lots of older women like Dr. Oz. 1.00

00:04:36.840 Why?

00:04:37.300 I don't know.

00:04:37.720 Oh, he's a 10.

00:04:40.360 He gives horrible advice and is actually not a doctor, but.

00:04:43.660 Yeah.

00:04:43.820 And he's always like switching his calf muscles with each, like, you know,

00:04:46.520 he's always like doing stuff like that.

00:04:47.940 That's why he looks so fresh.

00:04:49.400 Like he's like getting implants and moving.

00:04:50.980 Yeah.

00:04:51.200 But he's swapping them out like tires.

00:04:54.420 Upgrade to a new model.

00:04:55.560 Every two weeks.

00:04:57.260 He bites a stick.

00:05:00.820 But then he, and then he looks so hot.

00:05:04.780 And he's like, I just locked in another 10 years of that show.

00:05:07.080 I thought this guy, Scott, uh, got calf implants.

00:05:10.020 And I started a rumor that he got calf implants in high school,

00:05:12.540 but turns out he just moved on top of a hill.

00:05:14.620 So every day he's working at the, so his calves were like.

00:05:19.780 So you're Jack and Jill?

00:05:20.920 Why is he walking up a hill every day?

00:05:22.380 I get the fill of water.

00:05:23.460 Yeah.

00:05:24.520 Which one of them died?

00:05:25.780 Jack or Jill?

00:05:27.100 It was a suicide.

00:05:28.960 A murder suicide.

00:05:29.920 A suicide pact. 0.99

00:05:30.620 Suicide pact. 0.53

00:05:31.280 Yeah.

00:05:31.720 Yeah.

00:05:32.060 It was a real Waco situation.

00:05:33.080 Like a civil action.

00:05:33.980 Yeah.

00:05:34.220 Yeah.

00:05:34.520 It was Waco.

00:05:35.680 Yeah.

00:05:36.000 Yeah.

00:05:36.600 Tortured for like two weeks.

00:05:37.660 I get people, uh, I know I'm blowing up when people,

00:05:42.160 when the David Koresh comments started coming onto my videos.

00:05:44.620 Oh yeah.

00:05:45.240 Oh, just David Koresh.

00:05:47.040 Because you've got big glasses and long hair.

00:05:48.960 I know.

00:05:49.360 That's when I've reached outside my, my audience.

00:05:51.560 Yeah.

00:05:51.860 You're, you're, you're breaching Gen Z territory. 1.00

00:05:55.700 Are you from Texas?

00:05:57.520 Yeah.

00:05:58.260 Are you familiar with Waco by any chance?

00:06:00.280 What's your opinions on cults?

00:06:01.600 How do you feel about it?

00:06:02.260 Do you think you would fall into a cult?

00:06:04.620 Caleb and I have talked about this.

00:06:05.700 I would be in a managerial position.

00:06:13.440 Interesting.

00:06:14.080 In a cult.

00:06:14.500 Yeah.

00:06:14.880 Oh, I could, at a certain point in my life, I could have fallen prey to a cult.

00:06:17.960 Definitely.

00:06:18.440 You think?

00:06:19.120 But now I think I respect myself enough to kind of run it.

00:06:23.560 Aim higher.

00:06:24.800 And I have the look, you know.

00:06:26.320 That's true.

00:06:26.960 You have the energy.

00:06:28.140 And the warm touch.

00:06:30.660 You'd be, I think you'd be like, you would be in charge.

00:06:33.160 I think I'd be like HR.

00:06:34.820 You would be?

00:06:35.440 Yeah.

00:06:36.020 Yeah.

00:06:36.420 Yeah.

00:06:36.720 I'd be, I'd be approving PTO.

00:06:38.700 I'd be like handling sexual harassment, which would be my entire job.

00:06:42.440 I'd be busy all the time.

00:06:43.600 Yeah.

00:06:44.280 I'd be receiving complaints.

00:06:46.200 Yeah.

00:06:46.520 Handing them out.

00:06:47.240 You would never stop.

00:06:48.420 No.

00:06:48.840 Putting them on probation, but they can't leave.

00:06:51.460 Yeah.

00:06:51.880 That's my goal.

00:06:52.520 They probably have that in like a PDX, in like in a Portland cult.

00:06:55.340 They probably do have some kind of HR department.

00:06:58.100 Yeah.

00:06:58.560 I start a Slack channel.

00:06:59.640 Cleaning it up.

00:07:00.120 For the cult.

00:07:01.120 So everybody knows where to meet up.

00:07:02.820 Yeah.

00:07:03.260 Yeah.

00:07:03.500 What would your cult be called?

00:07:05.540 I honestly don't think I'd have any hand in naming it.

00:07:08.180 I think they would just hire me like staffing.

00:07:10.500 Like on, on Indeed.

00:07:11.940 I just get pulled out of a resume file.

00:07:14.020 Turns out I'm HR for a cult.

00:07:17.240 That's cool.

00:07:17.820 I even, when I talked to Caleb about being in a cult though, I was telling him, I don't

00:07:21.120 think I'm, I think I'm too smart to be in one because I genuinely don't listen when people

00:07:27.660 tell me things that I know aren't true.

00:07:29.620 Well, that's your whole thing.

00:07:30.720 I mean, you have that very dismissive laugh.

00:07:33.060 You have the laugh that is just, that is really putting men across this great, once great nation

00:07:39.500 into their place.

00:07:41.020 You have, you, cause you have the laugh of several people.

00:07:44.360 Yeah.

00:07:44.680 True.

00:07:45.020 And that's why.

00:07:45.600 It's all my ancestors.

00:07:46.340 It's, and, and that's every man's fear is to have the community laughing at them.

00:07:51.160 That is true.

00:07:51.820 And so when you unleash that, it's like when Doug funny would like see all of his friends

00:07:55.520 laughing at him, you know, like he'd have like a nightmare where, you know, like Doug

00:07:59.260 would get his period or something.

00:08:00.700 And then every, like everyone's like, ha, ha, ha, ha.

00:08:04.320 See, that's, that's true.

00:08:05.800 It's, I think that's, that's why you're such a necessary force in the, in the online world.

00:08:10.400 Thank you.

00:08:11.200 It's an honor.

00:08:11.960 I feel like even, uh, when I was telling him, I think I'm too smart when he had posted

00:08:17.100 it online, a lot of people were like, smart people are always think they're too smart

00:08:20.800 to get in a cult and then they do.

00:08:22.820 Well, maybe I'm just built different.

00:08:24.560 Yeah.

00:08:24.940 Maybe I'm better than you.

00:08:25.740 I don't know.

00:08:26.280 Could be your blind zone.

00:08:27.400 I mean, do you know anyone who's cult adjacent?

00:08:30.900 Been in a cult?

00:08:31.220 Yeah.

00:08:32.300 I know a couple of Mormons, so I guess it's about the same, isn't it?

00:08:35.100 Have you gone to Scientology yet?

00:08:36.660 No, they, they do.

00:08:38.300 They frighten me a little bit.

00:08:40.040 Oh.

00:08:40.620 Just the energy of it.

00:08:41.780 Once we get in that lobby, we're not going, we're not getting out.

00:08:46.780 Yeah.

00:08:47.200 You know what?

00:08:47.520 I'd like to give you the Andy's mints.

00:08:51.260 You know, they've got Andy's mints in there.

00:08:54.340 And I'm sold.

00:08:55.220 That's all I need.

00:08:55.860 You're in a fridge.

00:08:57.520 You take a bite at Andy's.

00:08:59.280 If you're in a bobsled, I'm not going anywhere.

00:09:01.700 What if that's how they've been recruiting?

00:09:04.400 They're just handing out Andy's mints.

00:09:07.020 Andy's mints.

00:09:07.560 Next team gives out junior mints.

00:09:08.860 We give out Andy's.

00:09:10.000 Like a good, like a quasi good restaurant.

00:09:13.740 Like a 4.5 star restaurant on Yelp.

00:09:17.580 There's crack cocaine in those Andy's mints.

00:09:19.280 Those mints are good.

00:09:20.480 There's a little bit of Novocaine.

00:09:21.480 And a beta blogger, so you just, you shouldn't drive.

00:09:27.100 You got to wait 20 minutes before you drive or take the SATs after an Andy's. 0.73

00:09:34.580 Taking the SATs.

00:09:35.700 You pop an Andy's before you go take your SATs.

00:09:38.320 Dude, where'd you go?

00:09:39.480 I don't see you in those.

00:09:40.380 Where are your eyes, man?

00:09:42.160 I just had an Andy's, dude.

00:09:43.940 Eye off the Andy's mints.

00:09:45.260 Just dead-eyed.

00:09:47.680 Just like, just Gerard Carmichael eyes.

00:09:55.560 Gerard's gone into the Andes.

00:09:58.000 Oh, I know that look.

00:09:59.280 That's Andy's mints.

00:10:00.120 Yeah, they're in Peru right now.

00:10:04.000 Dude, can you imagine?

00:10:06.380 That's how they were recruiting them.

00:10:07.740 They were just drugging them with Andy's mints.

00:10:09.240 Or just enticing them, I guess.

00:10:10.540 That's how Gerard does his, that's how he does all those 20-minute pregnant pauses.

00:10:14.020 He's just, he's just digesting Andy's.

00:10:19.280 And there's a science to it.

00:10:20.560 He's clearly mastered it.

00:10:21.700 Yeah.

00:10:22.040 No, but anyone, I went into the parking lot of Scientology with my friend.

00:10:25.940 We were like, let's go to the parking lot.

00:10:27.720 And they're truly like, in the lobby.

00:10:31.020 It's like, like a guy who looks like, like a, what are the gondolas?

00:10:36.420 Not the gondolas, but like the gondolas, like a gondola, like a chairlift type thing.

00:10:40.960 Okay.

00:10:41.420 Like one of those kind of Swiss looking thing.

00:10:45.200 I'm telling you, if I was alone, I may have gone in.

00:10:48.560 If you didn't have someone with you.

00:10:50.340 If I didn't have an accountability buddy.

00:10:52.020 An accountability buddy.

00:10:54.240 What is it?

00:10:55.260 Accountability buddy?

00:10:56.080 It's like a gym buddy.

00:10:57.920 Well, an accountability buddy was also in the echidna platypus family, right?

00:11:01.580 And then the accountability.

00:11:03.840 Yeah.

00:11:04.620 Yeah.

00:11:04.840 Me not even knowing what you're talking about.

00:11:06.320 Yeah.

00:11:06.960 Yeah.

00:11:07.340 That sounds about right.

00:11:09.260 Doesn't it sound like a, like a, like a egg laying mammal?

00:11:16.260 It would have the tail of a beaver, like a platypus.

00:11:18.780 Yeah.

00:11:19.160 Yeah.

00:11:19.660 Yeah.

00:11:20.040 But the teeth of a schnauzer. 0.97

00:11:24.980 And the eyes of a man.

00:11:27.480 Oh yeah.

00:11:28.100 That's the accountability buddy.

00:11:30.140 Are you afraid of any animals?

00:11:31.520 You seem like someone that would be afraid of animals.

00:11:33.500 Mm-hmm.

00:11:33.900 You got that energy.

00:11:34.580 I hate coyotes.

00:11:35.880 Really?

00:11:36.400 Yeah.

00:11:36.760 Oh yeah.

00:11:37.760 I just disagree with what they're up to.

00:11:40.720 Which is?

00:11:41.880 Living off of people's emotional support animals.

00:11:46.780 Living off their friends.

00:11:48.060 Yeah.

00:11:48.440 Their, their chosen family.

00:11:50.160 Although I do relate to that.

00:11:51.640 Like, you know, when you see a coyote during the day and you're like, no, I'm supposed to

00:11:53.900 be here.

00:11:54.180 That's how people look at me when I'm walking around like Beverly Hills.

00:11:56.840 There's something off about seeing you in the daylight.

00:12:00.820 But other than that.

00:12:01.680 Yeah.

00:12:01.920 Yeah.

00:12:02.200 Yeah.

00:12:02.360 Yeah.

00:12:02.640 Yeah.

00:12:02.960 Right.

00:12:03.440 Something off about that.

00:12:04.340 You shouldn't see me.

00:12:05.300 Yeah.

00:12:05.680 Yeah.

00:12:05.880 We shouldn't be looking at each other.

00:12:07.100 Six to seven.

00:12:07.900 You should.

00:12:08.300 Those are my hours where I'm, where I should be.

00:12:10.760 Where you thrive.

00:12:11.600 My visiting hours.

00:12:12.780 Do you have any animals that you're afraid of?

00:12:14.120 Oh, okay.

00:12:14.560 Sorry.

00:12:14.980 Afraid of?

00:12:15.560 I'm afraid of a ton of animals.

00:12:16.920 Same.

00:12:17.500 I was going to say.

00:12:18.400 I have very, very, I believe rational fears about lots of animals.

00:12:22.120 Like what?

00:12:22.580 Name a couple.

00:12:23.560 Well, I hate like whales. 0.99

00:12:29.060 I really fucking hate whales. 0.99

00:12:30.780 I don't know. 0.99

00:12:31.320 I know everyone's going to be like, whales are so. 0.99

00:12:32.640 I don't give a fuck. 1.00

00:12:33.340 I hate them. 1.00

00:12:33.800 I hate them all. 0.97

00:12:34.400 What about their beautiful songs?

00:12:37.120 Are you talking about the sonar?

00:12:40.080 Yeah.

00:12:40.760 One of them wrote fields of gold.

00:12:41.780 Add it to the list of reasons why I hate them.

00:12:44.780 I just don't, I don't think anything should ever be that big.

00:12:47.660 I think you should just get less big.

00:12:49.700 Totally.

00:12:50.120 Those are my thoughts.

00:12:51.100 I mean, it's thrilling.

00:12:52.420 And the only threat they really pose is if your kayak is right above the blowhole and

00:12:56.940 they sneeze.

00:12:58.340 Other than that, it's like, right?

00:13:00.100 Yeah.

00:13:00.600 Other than that, they're just kind of existing and that bothers me.

00:13:04.640 Also watching like that SeaWorld documentary, Blackfish.

00:13:08.900 Is that what it was?

00:13:09.300 Oh yeah.

00:13:09.380 I missed that one. 0.93

00:13:10.100 I, I, I, I, it was crazy, but they are just way too fucking smart too. 0.97

00:13:15.360 Oh, you're talking about the orcas. 0.97

00:13:16.500 Yeah.

00:13:17.000 Well, all whales, all of them.

00:13:18.780 D, all of the above.

00:13:19.980 How smart.

00:13:20.860 Well, and according to those documentaries, like those whales would like study like your

00:13:27.220 patterns, like where you would, you know, they do the little shows and they like would

00:13:31.320 pose at a certain place and throw a fish or whatever.

00:13:33.680 Yeah.

00:13:33.840 So the, the main whale that was like fucking everybody up, he was like studying them for months and learning where they went. 0.99

00:13:42.360 And then that's how he would kill them. 0.99

00:13:43.720 Cause he would catch them when they were vulnerable. 1.00

00:13:45.260 Like they noticed that he was studying his, the patterns of humans.

00:13:49.220 Can't blame them.

00:13:50.080 No, not at all.

00:13:51.220 I mean, they should have unionized.

00:13:53.580 They should have let the whales unionize. 0.98

00:13:55.280 Yeah.

00:13:55.460 I think that's, that would be fair.

00:13:57.440 They, they do make fish look appetizing.

00:13:59.700 I think so.

00:14:00.680 Just like a whole fish, you know, tossing them.

00:14:04.500 I mean, you would know you, you gulp them down all the time.

00:14:08.160 Also you're, you're.

00:14:09.280 They would throw me a Brenzino in the green room in the Brad's, in the Brad's green room.

00:14:13.860 No, that was on your, uh, your, what's your writer.

00:14:17.000 Writer?

00:14:17.460 Yeah.

00:14:17.740 Writer.

00:14:18.160 How do you spell writer with a Y?

00:14:20.100 I actually don't.

00:14:20.940 I think it would.

00:14:21.860 No, I think it's just R I D E R. 1.00

00:14:23.940 Yeah.

00:14:24.260 And I've been making, I've been humiliating myself in some emails.

00:14:28.820 I have no idea if that's how you spell it.

00:14:30.860 If I'm being honest.

00:14:31.600 Writer.

00:14:31.980 That's more like someone in the X games.

00:14:34.080 R Y D E R. 1.00

00:14:35.700 That's what I.

00:14:36.140 R Y. 1.00

00:14:36.520 Yeah.

00:14:36.980 Yeah.

00:14:37.500 Yeah.

00:14:37.800 And he hates both of us.

00:14:39.480 Oh, he doesn't even think of, he just pantses me.

00:14:43.060 He doesn't even, he doesn't even care enough to hate me.

00:14:45.940 He just, that's a quick. 0.61

00:14:48.700 Nerd.

00:14:49.060 What are you doing with those up?

00:14:50.320 Also, you're a point about coyotes.

00:14:55.240 I have a whole bunch behind my house.

00:14:57.360 I don't know why.

00:14:58.600 I have some that sing at 12, 17 a.m.

00:15:01.000 Every single night.

00:15:02.140 That exact time?

00:15:03.080 12, 17.

00:15:04.020 It's the craziest thing.

00:15:05.520 They check their watch.

00:15:06.460 They're like, it's time.

00:15:07.400 Yeah.

00:15:08.140 They, they, they like cackle, like hyenas.

00:15:11.540 The sounds are.

00:15:12.640 They're horrifying.

00:15:14.140 Sometimes they sound, they sound like women screaming. 1.00

00:15:16.460 Yeah.

00:15:16.680 It sounded like Jojo Siwa.

00:15:21.620 Sometimes it is Jojo. 0.99

00:15:22.980 It's like, karma's a bitch. 1.00

00:15:24.340 It's a coyote. 1.00

00:15:24.960 It's just Jojo yelling at her mom.

00:15:27.820 And then they have a side pony and a big bow.

00:15:32.840 They do sound like that. 1.00

00:15:34.780 That's fucking terrible. 1.00

00:15:37.160 They're horrifying. 1.00

00:15:38.040 They really are.

00:15:38.560 And I have two little Frenchies.

00:15:40.620 And those.

00:15:41.440 You have two Frenchies?

00:15:42.760 Oh, yeah.

00:15:43.480 Yeah.

00:15:43.840 So I've spent a lot of money on dog care, if you couldn't guess, by the breed that I chose

00:15:48.360 to have.

00:15:49.000 Well, yeah.

00:15:49.720 Yeah.

00:15:50.080 I think sometimes my, my first Frenchie, his name is Squid.

00:15:54.560 I think he is like, I miss the vet.

00:15:57.920 And so he goes and eats something life threatening.

00:15:59.780 So I have to take him back. 1.00

00:16:01.100 Drop fucking a rack on a shot, a steroid shot. 1.00

00:16:04.680 I literally had to do that the other day because he chose to step on a bee. 1.00

00:16:09.080 Like he was like jumping around it.

00:16:10.640 And then he just went like this.

00:16:11.700 Yeah.

00:16:12.100 Yeah. 0.52

00:16:12.400 Turns out Frenchies can die from bee stings. 1.00

00:16:14.460 Oh, yeah.

00:16:14.940 Don't know if you knew that.

00:16:15.780 Well, Frenchies have a rough go of it. 1.00

00:16:17.920 Yeah. 0.97

00:16:18.300 They're, they are slated to die at any point.

00:16:20.820 Like I, like he's got a real.

00:16:22.320 You're sitting outside waiting and getting struck by lightning.

00:16:24.260 Yeah.

00:16:24.780 And mine would, like actually would.

00:16:27.320 How old are they?

00:16:28.400 My first Frenchie Squid is about to be two.

00:16:32.380 And then my foster Frenchie is going to, he just turned one.

00:16:37.360 So his name is Tuna.

00:16:38.840 Oh, great.

00:16:39.580 Squid and Tuna.

00:16:40.140 So he's got a real marine type of theme.

00:16:42.760 Yeah.

00:16:43.240 A sea life theme.

00:16:44.180 Yeah.

00:16:44.580 And Tuna is completely deaf.

00:16:46.660 So.

00:16:47.260 Yeah.

00:16:47.780 Got that working for me too.

00:16:49.340 Yes.

00:16:50.060 Big old ears. 1.00

00:16:50.840 Fucking useless. 1.00

00:16:51.520 So you have to, he does lip reading. 1.00

00:16:55.000 Tuna.

00:16:55.720 Yeah.

00:16:56.120 Get off that bee. 0.99

00:17:00.560 Now.

00:17:02.620 Histamine Tuna.

00:17:03.740 I, my, my dog loves the vet so much too.

00:17:06.120 The one who's so old and dangerous.

00:17:08.780 And I can't, he's 120 pounds.

00:17:10.280 Okay.

00:17:10.840 And so.

00:17:11.420 What kind of dog is he?

00:17:12.280 Mastiff Pitbull. 1.00

00:17:13.280 Damn. 1.00

00:17:13.860 And he, he, he'll go to the vet and then he will refuse to leave. 0.99

00:17:18.460 And they're like, no dog has ever not wanted to leave the vet.

00:17:21.420 That's literally mine too.

00:17:22.580 He's a dog.

00:17:23.000 Yeah.

00:17:23.180 He loves the vet.

00:17:23.980 And he tries to bite them when they try to put, and me, when I'm trying to pull him

00:17:26.540 out, it's humiliating.

00:17:28.920 That's why I said, I don't think he knows he's your dog.

00:17:31.360 Oh no.

00:17:33.140 People are like, is he nice?

00:17:34.340 I'm like, I don't know.

00:17:35.900 I don't know.

00:17:36.520 And don't ask him.

00:17:37.440 He's like, you're mad at me.

00:17:38.400 Yeah.

00:17:40.060 Kind of.

00:17:41.860 And people are like, is he angry right now?

00:17:43.240 I'm like, I don't know.

00:17:45.160 I don't know.

00:17:45.880 He just screams at me all day.

00:17:47.260 We don't talk.

00:17:48.740 Mastiff.

00:17:50.300 I wake up with the wind of his breath and he goes.

00:17:52.580 Oh, and it's a blast.

00:17:55.580 And he's, oh.

00:17:57.700 He's sensually breathing in your ear.

00:17:59.560 Mm-hmm.

00:18:00.140 Yes.

00:18:00.720 Yeah.

00:18:01.040 But the sounds of a dog who does hate you, in fact.

00:18:04.260 Oh, yeah.

00:18:05.060 Yeah.

00:18:05.480 My dog, Squid, is allergic to literally everything.

00:18:10.300 Like, when we first got him, he was totally fine.

00:18:12.680 And then he developed this outrageous allergy.

00:18:15.840 We couldn't figure out it was, like, what it was to. 0.99

00:18:18.400 And we switched his food a billion fucking times. 0.98

00:18:21.280 And then one night, he had diarrhea literally every, like, 30 or so minutes. 0.99

00:18:26.540 Like, my boyfriend and I stayed up all night, kept letting him out.

00:18:29.260 Mm-hmm. 0.96

00:18:29.560 And that poop was shooting out of him like a flare gun. 0.95

00:18:33.060 Totally. 0.89

00:18:33.420 It was, like, phoom.

00:18:34.340 Like a practical effect.

00:18:35.300 Yeah.

00:18:35.540 It was, like, shooting him forward almost.

00:18:37.820 And it was, like, I felt so bad for him. 0.99

00:18:40.180 And then I had to take him to a fucking specialist. 0.99

00:18:42.560 Yeah. 1.00

00:18:42.760 A dog, like, a bulldog specialist.

00:18:45.600 And even then, like, he was kind of pacing in the waiting room when I was, like, filling

00:18:49.940 out paperwork.

00:18:50.980 And my boyfriend was, like, I think he has to go to the bathroom.

00:18:52.840 I want to take him outside.

00:18:53.920 Mind you, where we're at, there's no grass really at all.

00:18:56.560 It's, like, all pavement everywhere.

00:18:58.160 Yeah.

00:18:58.780 And so he takes him out, and there's, like.

00:19:00.240 A concrete jungle, maybe.

00:19:03.220 And that was the start of that song.

00:19:05.140 Yeah.

00:19:05.780 Alicia Keys.

00:19:08.240 No pet relief.

00:19:10.440 Concrete jungle, we're doing amazing.

00:19:12.760 There's nothing you can't do. 0.98

00:19:19.140 Literally, there's, like, these three fake flowers, like, right in front of the fucking 0.99

00:19:24.360 vet, like, the door, the front door. 0.98

00:19:26.780 I love how they need a David Attenborough screenshot to relieve themselves.

00:19:32.560 I was trying to walk him over there, and he just, he had to go so bad, and he sprayed 1.00

00:19:37.560 all over those shit. 1.00

00:19:39.060 It was so bad. 1.00

00:19:40.960 Like, and then my boyfriend goes back, and he goes, it's so bad.

00:19:44.480 It's all over the wall.

00:19:45.740 He's the destroyer of all things that are beautiful.

00:19:48.060 You're saying that he did this all over the flowers.

00:19:49.840 Yeah, all over the flowers.

00:19:50.720 Yeah.

00:19:50.920 And the wall behind it.

00:19:51.880 Yeah.

00:19:52.080 That seems like a protest.

00:19:55.080 Yeah.

00:19:55.480 Against natural beauty.

00:19:57.280 It's a real, like, Pollock situation going on.

00:20:00.380 The Bulldog Specialist, what's he like?

00:20:02.260 Or is she like?

00:20:03.160 He was honestly really weird.

00:20:06.040 Like, what you would imagine a Bulldog Specialist is like, that was what he was doing.

00:20:09.440 I'd imagine stressed out.

00:20:10.640 Yeah.

00:20:11.340 Because he's like, we don't know.

00:20:13.460 Well, first off, the office itself was built, I think, in the 1950s and had not been updated

00:20:20.840 at all.

00:20:21.440 Yeah.

00:20:21.600 So, the little table they put him on looked like those ones they would strap women to 1.00

00:20:25.980 and give a lobotomy to him. 1.00

00:20:27.320 Like, put a leather belt in his mouth. 0.99

00:20:29.060 I've spent some time on those.

00:20:29.940 And then, also, as he's talking to us, he's like, oh, okay.

00:20:33.300 And he's, like, asking us questions. 1.00

00:20:34.540 He just immediately starts putting shit up his ass, like, his fingers. 1.00

00:20:38.300 No glove. 1.00

00:20:39.760 I was like, all right.

00:20:40.760 Well, that feels a little off book, but I got a lot going on.

00:20:45.540 You can trail mix with the same hand.

00:20:46.260 Yeah.

00:20:46.440 I was like, I'm going to table that for now, and I'll come back to that later.

00:20:49.700 I just need you to tell me if my dog's going to die.

00:20:51.220 This guy sounds cool.

00:20:52.340 Yeah.

00:20:53.120 He fixed him.

00:20:54.140 Yeah.

00:20:54.540 He gave us, like...

00:20:55.580 No glove.

00:20:57.100 No glove.

00:20:58.960 We were like, oh. 1.00

00:21:00.200 Damn, dude. 1.00

00:21:01.020 Oh, okay. 1.00

00:21:01.900 No, for sure.

00:21:02.900 Yeah.

00:21:03.540 For sure.

00:21:04.480 Yeah.

00:21:04.700 And he gave us, like, seven medications.

00:21:06.840 He's like, try all of this.

00:21:07.920 If it doesn't work, then we'll have to read this.

00:21:09.560 I'm like, okay.

00:21:10.560 And then me and my boyfriend were running fucking hospice for, like, a month. 0.96

00:21:14.100 For, like, every six hours, every nine hours, every 12 hours, every 24 hours. 0.98

00:21:17.340 Oh, totally.

00:21:17.840 New med.

00:21:18.420 No, it's a full-time job.

00:21:19.260 Yeah.

00:21:19.500 For a dog that doesn't care if I live or die, so...

00:21:23.760 No.

00:21:25.320 I know yours doesn't.

00:21:26.280 But God's watching.

00:21:29.660 God's saying, good.

00:21:31.440 Good job, Drew.

00:21:33.380 What's your favorite animal?

00:21:34.560 I feel like Long Beach is just bulldogs on skateboards now.

00:21:39.660 Do you know what I'm talking about?

00:21:41.540 Have you been to Long Beach recently?

00:21:42.900 It's just...

00:21:43.560 That's who's gentrifying Long Beach?

00:21:46.560 It's bulldogs on skateboards.

00:21:47.560 It's just a dystopia of bulldogs on skateboards going around.

00:21:50.400 There's no people.

00:21:51.060 It's just bulldogs on skateboards.

00:21:52.300 They're like, do they live here or...

00:21:55.640 Yeah.

00:21:56.020 They're just congregating?

00:21:56.560 Where are the people?

00:21:58.160 You see Snoop Dogg occasionally.

00:22:01.440 Wait, sorry.

00:22:01.840 What was your question?

00:22:02.580 What was my...

00:22:03.400 What's my...

00:22:04.280 Did you say what's my favorite animal?

00:22:05.720 Yeah.

00:22:06.860 I was curious.

00:22:07.900 I mean, it's boring, but dogs.

00:22:09.820 I'm a dog fiend.

00:22:11.300 I feel that.

00:22:12.040 Yeah.

00:22:12.480 Even though...

00:22:13.200 Do you only have the one dog or do you have more than one dog?

00:22:14.540 Two dogs, yeah.

00:22:15.300 Oh, what's your other dog?

00:22:15.960 Well, you know, here's my night terrors.

00:22:17.980 Okay.

00:22:18.480 I have...

00:22:18.960 I sleepwalk.

00:22:21.520 Okay.

00:22:21.920 And my latest one is nightly.

00:22:24.180 When I'm stressed, yeah.

00:22:25.600 Nightly, I believe that I have four dogs when I only have two.

00:22:30.480 Okay.

00:22:30.760 And so imagine me roaming the land looking for two dogs that...

00:22:35.760 They're not there, Drew.

00:22:38.680 Do you leave your house?

00:22:39.460 Until I eventually figure out, oh, that's right.

00:22:43.300 Do you experience, like, grief?

00:22:47.080 It's relief.

00:22:48.000 I mean, it's shame.

00:22:49.420 It's relief.

00:22:50.660 My dad's a big sleep...

00:22:51.600 He's a nightly sleepwalker.

00:22:52.860 Really?

00:22:53.180 So, yeah, yeah.

00:22:53.880 That's kind of horrifying.

00:22:54.900 Oh, yeah.

00:22:55.880 And he screams at the top of his lungs.

00:22:57.860 Oh! 0.60

00:22:58.540 Did you ever do it?

00:22:59.760 Have I ever sleptwalked?

00:23:00.700 No.

00:23:01.080 No.

00:23:01.360 I have slept talk.

00:23:03.560 I used to sleep talk when I was a kid a lot more, but...

00:23:06.540 Yeah, sleepwalking, nuh-uh.

00:23:08.040 Don't have that.

00:23:09.240 It may have been Caleb.

00:23:10.260 I think Caleb may have told me that he conducts business in his sleep.

00:23:13.040 Like, business test?

00:23:14.240 Maybe I'm imagining this.

00:23:16.200 Hey, Jordan Belfort. 1.00

00:23:17.500 Fuck him. 1.00

00:23:18.560 Was he running his fucking penny schemes? 1.00

00:23:21.160 When he's fucking asleep? 1.00

00:23:23.920 Do you ever see, like, TikToks with Jordan Belfort? 0.99

00:23:25.820 He's like, hear me out!

00:23:28.480 Please!

00:23:29.220 Like, I don't...

00:23:30.000 Like, he's always getting himself into new messes. 1.00

00:23:33.600 Yeah, fuck that. 1.00

00:23:34.460 The cops are like, Jordan, wrap it up. 1.00

00:23:37.140 Yeah, he's...

00:23:37.980 Stop vlogging.

00:23:38.560 Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

00:23:41.780 I can't go back there. 1.00

00:23:43.000 There's like an eel on his dick. 1.00

00:23:44.020 He's like, well, no, hear me out! 1.00

00:23:45.180 Hear me out!

00:23:47.800 It's not...

00:23:48.700 It's different this time.

00:23:49.620 You need the context.

00:23:50.740 You need the context.

00:23:51.480 Yes, yes.

00:23:53.100 When did you start sleepwalking?

00:23:55.560 Or at least noticing that you were sleepwalking?

00:23:58.420 Childhood.

00:23:59.560 But it's, like, it's normalized in my family.

00:24:01.900 Because we're Catholics.

00:24:03.160 Okay.

00:24:03.520 You have to, like...

00:24:06.600 Is that just real common in Catholic families?

00:24:08.380 Also, I'm sorry.

00:24:09.000 I washed this shirt recently.

00:24:10.840 And it's been...

00:24:11.920 It's basically like a tube.

00:24:13.540 It's like...

00:24:14.100 It keeps riding up.

00:24:15.980 Bodycon?

00:24:18.380 That's real hug.

00:24:19.720 Hugging the curves.

00:24:20.540 They call me Bodycon.

00:24:23.840 My email's bodycon.

00:24:25.240 At gmail.com.

00:24:27.320 Bodycon.com.

00:24:30.520 Yeah.

00:24:31.280 Well, I asked about the Ugg store thing.

00:24:32.800 Because I...

00:24:33.800 I spent...

00:24:35.440 I had to stay in Times Square for a couple days.

00:24:38.440 Mm-hmm.

00:24:39.140 And for some reason, my goal was to go to the Ugg store.

00:24:41.980 Okay.

00:24:42.540 And I kept just...

00:24:43.800 Procrastinating it?

00:24:45.460 I would walk out and I'd be like, not today.

00:24:48.240 Today's not the day, right?

00:24:48.780 And I never made it in there.

00:24:49.960 But I know what's in there.

00:24:51.160 Do you have to have a specific energy?

00:24:52.540 It's amazing.

00:24:52.900 Yeah.

00:24:53.300 To be in the Ugg store?

00:24:54.320 I didn't want to be let down.

00:24:55.420 I think it needs to be...

00:24:56.300 It's like my Eldorado.

00:24:57.300 Like, because you ever see...

00:24:58.520 The City of Gold is the Ugg store?

00:25:01.580 That's my City of Gold.

00:25:02.680 It's the Ugg...

00:25:04.120 Flagship.

00:25:04.640 Because I used to work in Times Square.

00:25:05.740 I used to work at the Antelope Loft flagship.

00:25:09.160 Naturally.

00:25:09.480 I used to wardrobe lady cops. 1.00

00:25:12.960 And I would put my hands on their shoulders.

00:25:14.800 I was trained to put hands on shoulders and talk to them in the mirror.

00:25:17.740 And except...

00:25:18.180 There was a CD-ROM about how I learned... 0.99

00:25:19.780 What the fuck are you doing in an Antelope Loft? 0.99

00:25:21.660 This was college. 1.00

00:25:23.120 And it was...

00:25:23.960 I'm telling you, I've never been better at a job in my life.

00:25:26.840 I open it up 5 a.m., hit play on the Gwen Stefani, and they are blasting Gwen...

00:25:33.000 It's like people walk in and they're like...

00:25:36.060 We're back to Waco.

00:25:37.140 And while my old world...

00:25:38.840 They're every time in my home, girl...

00:25:41.040 And people are like, please.

00:25:43.480 Please turn it down.

00:25:44.580 I'll buy any pants that you want, please.

00:25:46.320 Yeah.

00:25:46.720 Just end this torture.

00:25:47.920 I'll buy these accessories.

00:25:48.760 I learned...

00:25:52.240 My retail fold, you wouldn't believe how tight I fold.

00:25:55.500 God, I bet.

00:25:59.360 Hands on shoulders.

00:26:00.660 And look at...

00:26:01.460 The one training is you speak to them only through the mirror.

00:26:05.360 You never make eye contact in person.

00:26:07.740 Come with me to the mirror.

00:26:11.400 Look at this.

00:26:12.800 Look at the way this smart blazer...

00:26:15.760 Plunges.

00:26:18.760 You're dressing all lady cops. 0.99

00:26:23.480 It's all lady cops. 1.00

00:26:24.680 And women who are real estate agents after the age of 40.

00:26:28.600 Probably.

00:26:29.280 Yeah.

00:26:29.600 Yeah, yeah.

00:26:30.580 No, it was a rough scene.

00:26:32.500 How long did you work there for?

00:26:34.180 Just a summer, and then I left, and my boss cried when I left.

00:26:38.640 I was like, Christian, you knew this day was coming.

00:26:42.400 I told you this was a summer job.

00:26:44.000 I was very clear.

00:26:45.480 I went to New York to do stand-up, and then I was like, you know what?

00:26:47.820 I think I'm just going to work at the Ann Taylor Loft.

00:26:50.880 I did, like, one show.

00:26:53.140 I was like, this is way better.

00:26:55.240 Turns out...

00:26:56.160 Turns out the loft.

00:26:59.740 It's on to the higher places.

00:27:02.340 The Ugg store.

00:27:03.660 Yeah, well, that's my dream.

00:27:04.940 Because they have, like...

00:27:06.540 I don't even know what they have.

00:27:07.780 I assume it's, like, all sorts of multicolored footwear that's, like, European and fuzzy, but, like, big.

00:27:16.120 Oh, yeah, totally.

00:27:17.080 I just...

00:27:17.680 It's my imagination.

00:27:18.700 I don't want to be...

00:27:20.520 Like, remember that movie, American Hustle?

00:27:23.120 Yeah.

00:27:23.520 I needed that to be better than it was.

00:27:25.380 And then I saw it in theaters, and I was, like, ruined for, like, two years.

00:27:28.480 I needed it.

00:27:30.100 So desperately.

00:27:31.220 Yeah.

00:27:31.880 I hitched everything.

00:27:33.260 All my hopes and dreams under that movie being good.

00:27:36.160 I'm like, Amy Adams is in that coat.

00:27:37.680 This is going to be good.

00:27:39.100 And it just, like...

00:27:40.280 It just wasn't.

00:27:41.720 Oh, it just wasn't what you needed it to be.

00:27:43.400 It needed to be so much better.

00:27:44.340 You don't want to find out that way.

00:27:45.760 Never meet your heroes.

00:27:46.720 Jennifer Lawrence is doing, like, a Groundlings character in it.

00:27:50.220 I was just like, could we not, guys?

00:27:54.500 Please? 0.95

00:27:58.400 Groundlings, I was fucking busy. 0.94

00:28:01.440 I feel like they have a Groundlings at LAX now. 1.00

00:28:05.880 Bro.

00:28:06.760 Yeah.

00:28:07.540 I bet.

00:28:08.400 It's on the TikTok shop.

00:28:09.700 Yeah, yeah.

00:28:10.220 You can join in.

00:28:10.580 You can join on there.

00:28:11.720 Right next to Lemonade.

00:28:12.620 Oh, God.

00:28:13.280 How do you feel about signing the TikTok thing?

00:28:16.160 Oh, I'm sorry.

00:28:17.080 Sorry.

00:28:17.380 Sorry, Drew.

00:28:17.900 I shouldn't have heard of it.

00:28:18.400 God, I don't know.

00:28:19.400 I guess we'll see.

00:28:20.300 Didn't he just open a TikTok?

00:28:21.600 He has to come on my show.

00:28:23.860 I'm not kidding.

00:28:25.240 I'm not kidding.

00:28:26.280 What?

00:28:27.320 He asked you to come on the show?

00:28:28.880 I got an email that said, would Drew like to have **** as a guest?

00:28:33.020 And I said, **** no.

00:28:34.660 Wait, wait, wait.

00:28:35.260 Drew, you've got to.

00:28:36.560 I'll be you for the day. 0.92

00:28:37.820 Wait, you said no to the ****? 1.00

00:28:40.160 Fuck no. 1.00

00:28:40.840 I don't want that ****. 1.00

00:28:42.200 Are you out of here? 0.98

00:28:42.940 What? 1.00

00:28:44.000 Fuck no. 1.00

00:28:45.420 Oh, geez. 1.00

00:28:46.340 Let's talk about this after. 0.84

00:28:48.340 You've got to get ****.

00:28:50.760 I've been meaning to tell you, you've got to get ****. 0.86

00:28:52.880 What the **** am I going to ask him? 0.99

00:28:54.880 It would be the funniest shit. 1.00

00:28:56.400 It's going to be rough for an hour and then you have gold. 0.98

00:29:02.020 I say, yeah, but I'm not having any approved questions.

00:29:05.140 I want to ask him whatever I want. 1.00

00:29:06.840 First thing I'm going to be like, you ever thought about putting a dick in your mouth? 1.00

00:29:09.280 Be honest. 1.00

00:29:12.000 Be honest.

00:29:12.560 As a matter of fact, yes.

00:29:13.360 You ever kiss a man on the lips?

00:29:15.980 Lyndon M. Johnson.

00:29:19.560 The 70s were actually not that bad.

00:29:21.460 Yeah, yeah.

00:29:22.080 Isn't that crazy?

00:29:22.880 That's so funny.

00:29:23.760 Oh, my God.

00:29:24.280 Maybe it's my fault it got banned.

00:29:26.120 Because I said no.

00:29:27.280 Yeah.

00:29:27.640 Maybe it's my fault.

00:29:28.440 The queen of TikTok.

00:29:29.540 Sorry, y'all.

00:29:30.280 Needs to be shut down.

00:29:31.220 Might be.

00:29:31.860 Yeah.

00:29:32.420 Unnecessary sacrifice on the altar.

00:29:34.160 My bad.

00:29:34.860 Had to do it.

00:29:35.680 I'm sorry.

00:29:35.940 On the slab.

00:29:36.880 Yeah.

00:29:37.060 In order to stay young and successful, I had to sacrifice another lamb.

00:29:40.520 So there you go.

00:29:41.360 Just to bathe myself in the blood.

00:29:43.360 So I did it.

00:29:45.720 With lamb blood.

00:29:48.680 I love a sacrificial lamb reference.

00:29:50.960 That's nice.

00:29:51.700 Right?

00:29:52.080 That's really nice.

00:29:52.860 That goes back to us being in cults together.

00:29:55.520 Oh, yeah.

00:29:56.240 Probably made for it, to be honest.

00:29:57.580 We wouldn't sacrifice the lambs.

00:29:58.960 We would jack them up with hormones. 1.00

00:30:02.140 So they're like, so they're fucking yoked. 0.99

00:30:05.320 Just because? 1.00

00:30:07.080 In our cult, the lambs become sheep fast.

00:30:11.100 Both.

00:30:13.360 Then they get too strong, like Planet of the Apes.

00:30:16.460 Weight protein.

00:30:17.000 Oh, yeah.

00:30:17.420 And then they're riding horses.

00:30:19.280 When they're.

00:30:21.200 That's you.

00:30:21.860 When you see another animal riding a horse, that's when you.

00:30:25.680 You give in.

00:30:26.200 Pack the bag.

00:30:26.760 You give up.

00:30:27.060 We're out.

00:30:27.900 You give up.

00:30:28.520 The chimp on the horse riding side saddle. 0.73

00:30:32.300 Yep.

00:30:32.760 Well, we had a good run, guys.

00:30:34.140 He's riding bareback.

00:30:35.500 Yeah.

00:30:35.760 I've never even seen the movies.

00:30:39.140 I just see just that, and you know it's done.

00:30:42.660 Yeah.

00:30:44.000 Those movies honestly terrify me.

00:30:47.040 Oh, it's scary.

00:30:47.480 Because I feel like they're so realistic.

00:30:50.200 Yeah. 0.97

00:30:50.420 Like, that to me is way more realistic than, like, a fucking Walking Dead situation. 0.97

00:30:55.240 Absolutely. 0.98

00:30:55.860 No, you're right.

00:30:56.660 I think if chimps, like, decide, it's over.

00:30:59.880 Yeah.

00:31:00.380 I mean, we saw what Coco was up to.

00:31:02.760 That's not even a chimp. 0.95

00:31:04.140 We saw Coco mourning her kitten.

00:31:07.100 And, like.

00:31:07.380 Yeah.

00:31:07.760 Yeah.

00:31:07.980 There was this video I saw recently on TikTok, and it was, like, this full-grown male gorilla.

00:31:15.660 And, like, did you see it?

00:31:17.220 I think it was on Instagram, too.

00:31:19.040 But it was, like, these, the zookeepers that were feeding him, they got stuck in there.

00:31:22.940 Yeah.

00:31:23.180 And they had to, like, wait.

00:31:24.500 Yeah.

00:31:24.940 And they were, like, running around, like.

00:31:26.260 Yeah, like, just being frozen and waiting.

00:31:28.280 But I was, like, you're literally watching that gorilla decide whether or not it's worth it.

00:31:33.780 Like, he's looking and he's going, I could rip both of your heads up.

00:31:37.360 Clean off.

00:31:37.980 Oh, totally.

00:31:38.520 And the way he's moving, I love how, like, he's so smooth, like, he's running, but his

00:31:42.880 upper body is just completely still.

00:31:44.840 And he's, like, going 35 miles per hour.

00:31:49.440 And the ladies are, like. 1.00

00:31:51.540 And he's, like.

00:31:53.800 Oh, that was my favorite part.

00:31:55.300 Watching them make decisions is horrifying to me.

00:31:58.380 Yes.

00:31:58.540 I'm, like, oh, I'm good. 0.97

00:31:59.920 They're way too fucking smart. 0.95

00:32:01.660 No, I'm good. 0.99

00:32:02.800 I, like, if the monkeys take over, I'm yielding.

00:32:06.200 Oh, no.

00:32:06.860 Yeah.

00:32:07.020 White flag in the air.

00:32:07.960 Oh, yeah.

00:32:08.340 I'm one of y'all.

00:32:09.360 Just drive away.

00:32:10.780 Leave the door open.

00:32:12.860 Your house is their house. 0.78

00:32:14.580 When the monkeys want it, they get it.

00:32:17.860 Hey, take whatever you want.

00:32:19.260 Yeah.

00:32:19.700 No qualms from me.

00:32:20.620 It's actually no worries.

00:32:21.660 Do you know anyone with a monkey?

00:32:23.260 Not personally, no.

00:32:25.040 I feel like if it weren't for what MJ did, then more people, more celebs would have monkeys.

00:32:30.080 Like, Bradley Cooper obviously has a secret monkey.

00:32:32.500 Obviously.

00:32:35.180 Obviously.

00:32:35.880 Yeah.

00:32:36.460 Obviously.

00:32:37.160 Yeah.

00:32:37.600 How do you think he's staying young, too?

00:32:39.180 Maybe he's doing that.

00:32:40.240 Maybe he's taking monkey blood. 0.96

00:32:41.380 Who knows?

00:32:42.160 We start another rumor.

00:32:43.940 Well, Bradley Cooper is taking monkey blood.

00:32:46.460 And he has calf implants.

00:32:49.240 Mm-hmm.

00:32:49.560 We start two rumors at the same time.

00:32:51.180 How did you feel about the maestro thing when they were like, you spent six years learning

00:32:54.140 to conduct it, and then they show him just conducting like you or I would conduct it.

00:33:00.300 They were like, oh, worse.

00:33:01.200 It wasn't six full years.

00:33:02.120 Six years, huh?

00:33:05.400 Were you just thinking about it?

00:33:07.020 Were the weekends free?

00:33:10.420 Six years on and off.

00:33:11.920 Yeah.

00:33:12.240 More so.

00:33:12.660 For a minute on a Tuesday.

00:33:14.020 You know what I'm saying?

00:33:15.120 One minute.

00:33:15.980 One day every Tuesday for six years.

00:33:19.180 Yeah.

00:33:19.660 Once a year.

00:33:20.600 I don't know.

00:33:21.860 Sometimes I feel like I see art, whether it's a movie or a painting.

00:33:28.980 Or collage.

00:33:30.200 Yeah. 1.00

00:33:30.740 And I'm like, am I the dumbest bitch alive, or does this not make sense? 1.00

00:33:33.940 Or is this stupid? 1.00

00:33:35.020 I have really bad reading comprehension, and I can never understand anything I'm reading 0.99

00:33:38.480 because I started zoning out.

00:33:40.340 Yeah.

00:33:41.040 Thinking about God knows what.

00:33:43.500 There was something recently where I saw it, and I was like, oh, yeah, I'm not part of this

00:33:46.240 culture anymore.

00:33:48.460 You're like, I don't even know what's going on anymore.

00:33:50.280 I mean, or like, yeah, people, the way people are emotionally connected to things now, like

00:33:55.320 people would be like, oh, you got to hear this Chapel Rhone song, and they're like, oh,

00:33:58.680 it's breaking my heart.

00:34:00.040 And then it's just called, like, who's going to eat you out when I'm forging upstate?

00:34:04.220 And you're like, this is, okay.

00:34:09.660 Okay.

00:34:10.460 Yeah.

00:34:11.220 So, it's either I'm a...

00:34:12.220 This is distance learning. 1.00

00:34:14.620 I'm either a million years old, or I'm just the dumbest bitch alive. 1.00

00:34:18.700 Like, it's one of the two. 1.00

00:34:20.160 I feel like that sometimes about the Oscars movies.

00:34:23.200 Yeah.

00:34:23.560 Oh, yeah.

00:34:24.120 Yeah.

00:34:24.220 I try my hardest.

00:34:25.580 Yeah.

00:34:25.920 Well, which, what in particular recently?

00:34:28.160 Oh, I watched, or I tried to watch Zone of Interest.

00:34:32.400 Yeah.

00:34:32.940 And it was very interesting.

00:34:34.600 That's the one, that's the...

00:34:36.700 The one where they're next door to a concentration camp? 0.54

00:34:38.300 And you just hear it.

00:34:39.220 Yeah.

00:34:39.600 And you just, you're watching the family live a really normal life next to awfulness.

00:34:42.800 Yeah.

00:34:43.120 Which, like, yeah.

00:34:43.780 That part was, like, crazy.

00:34:45.140 My parents didn't get it, and they were very vocal about that to me.

00:34:48.460 I never saw it, but they were like, Chris, it's a lot of sounds.

00:34:52.340 You don't see it.

00:34:53.680 Yeah.

00:34:54.420 I'm like, right, right.

00:34:55.300 No, I think that's the...

00:34:56.040 Yeah.

00:34:56.580 Well, yeah.

00:34:58.180 I fell asleep, honestly.

00:34:59.720 Yeah.

00:34:59.920 There are some movies I watch where I'm like, I wish I had the piece of your brain that's like,

00:35:06.060 Totally.

00:35:06.620 Wow.

00:35:06.820 Oh, I wish I could pick this apart and dissect it.

00:35:09.200 I don't have it. 1.00

00:35:10.400 Nothing but monkeys riding bareback on my horses and my fucking head. 1.00

00:35:14.440 That's all that's up here. 1.00

00:35:15.680 Yeah.

00:35:15.980 It's kind of all I can take is put into the apes' trailers. 0.54

00:35:20.700 Can't even watch the movie.

00:35:21.920 I just...

00:35:22.380 I mean, I'm at a point where I'm just re-watching the episode of Breaking Bad where Walt lives

00:35:26.300 in the cabin in New Hampshire.

00:35:27.460 I'm just watching that.

00:35:28.940 Just that one episode?

00:35:30.100 Yeah, yeah.

00:35:30.760 Over and over again. 0.98

00:35:31.360 Where he's just, like, warming himself by a fire, and his glasses are, like, shitty. 0.97

00:35:34.360 That's all I can watch.

00:35:36.900 And that's because you feel represented on screen?

00:35:39.080 Mm-hmm.

00:35:40.460 You're like, representation is so important.

00:35:42.580 Yeah.

00:35:42.920 To see myself on screen.

00:35:44.360 Yeah.

00:35:45.200 That's another thing that I never understood is, like, people see themselves in things,

00:35:48.700 and that's why they like them.

00:35:49.660 I've never known that was a thing.

00:35:52.560 I'm never like, oh, that's me.

00:35:55.400 That guy?

00:35:56.220 Me.

00:35:56.760 I don't even, like, relate to the experience.

00:35:58.500 I'm just like, nice.

00:36:01.620 I think I'm, like, missing a crucial audience muscle.

00:36:06.180 Yeah.

00:36:06.860 Same.

00:36:07.340 That's why I was like, I don't know if I'm just not creative at all.

00:36:10.540 You're creative.

00:36:12.400 Yeah, I guess, like, I'm funny.

00:36:15.140 Like, one time I was talking to someone, and they were like, oh, I mispronounced.

00:36:18.920 Oh, it was Winnie.

00:36:19.600 Winnie Cummings.

00:36:20.480 I was talking to her, and she was like, I mispronounced your name once.

00:36:22.620 I felt so embarrassed.

00:36:23.440 And I'm like, did you?

00:36:24.200 She was like, yeah, on your show.

00:36:26.580 I said it, and she explained the context to me.

00:36:29.440 And then I was like, you know what I'm doing?

00:36:30.440 Something funny is I had no idea that you did that because I was waiting for you to stop

00:36:34.380 talking so I could tell my joke.

00:36:36.960 So, like, the bit was going in my head, and I was like, man, when she's done, I'm going

00:36:40.420 to fire this up.

00:36:41.480 Me not even listening. 0.99

00:36:42.200 And she was saying some bad shit about me. 0.99

00:36:44.260 She's just saying awful things about me. 0.98

00:36:45.800 Yeah.

00:36:46.220 No, and I was like, so that's, like, what's turning on a wheel in my head is, like, just the

00:36:50.640 never-ending bits.

00:36:51.480 Like, I just can't stop.

00:36:52.300 But that aware, no, but that's, that is the brain of an artist is just a bit factory.

00:36:57.880 That's great.

00:36:58.820 Well, you said it, Ami.

00:37:00.720 Yeah.

00:37:01.480 Yeah, when I watched The Bear, I was like, that's literally me.

00:37:06.900 The close-up on the arms?

00:37:08.400 Yeah.

00:37:08.760 I said literally me.

00:37:10.000 I never saw The Bear, but it looks sexy.

00:37:14.940 Do you never watch anything new?

00:37:17.020 No.

00:37:17.460 I'm a culture scavenger. 0.54

00:37:18.840 After everything's kind of cooled down, I'm like...

00:37:21.460 Picking through the remains?

00:37:23.200 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:37:24.740 Throwing in a VCR.

00:37:27.800 Oh, people were right.

00:37:29.140 And no one wants to talk about it by then.

00:37:31.480 Yeah.

00:37:31.820 That's honest.

00:37:32.380 I feel honestly very seen by that. 1.00

00:37:34.600 I watched the same shit over and over and over again. 1.00

00:37:36.880 Yep, yep. 1.00

00:37:37.040 And then, like, three years after everyone likes it, I'll watch it.

00:37:40.180 I'm waiting for The Sopranos.

00:37:41.440 I'm waiting to do cocaine and watch The Sopranos until I'm, like, in my 80s.

00:37:46.200 Oh, that's great.

00:37:47.440 What a plan.

00:37:48.160 Just me strung out watching The Sopranos.

00:37:53.140 My sister just watched The Sopranos. 0.90

00:37:54.760 She said she really liked it.

00:37:55.920 Yeah, it's great.

00:37:56.820 Every time she's like, oh, have you seen this?

00:37:59.680 I'm like, nope.

00:38:01.400 I tried to get through the pilot episode of Mad Men, like, 30 times.

00:38:05.420 Oh, yeah.

00:38:05.960 I couldn't get behind Mad Men.

00:38:07.560 I tried.

00:38:08.400 Oh, my God.

00:38:10.480 Maybe if I was in an MRI tube.

00:38:17.520 Then you'd be down.

00:38:18.360 Or in, like, a broke-down pad, like, a foreign jail. 0.98

00:38:21.440 If I'm in, like, a foreign jail, if I'm in, like, Italian jail, and I'm like, please, 1.00

00:38:25.700 I didn't do it.

00:38:26.280 And they're like, Niazzi, Niave, prego, prego.

00:38:32.780 Okay.

00:38:33.380 I'll watch Mad Men.

00:38:34.780 Like, I can't even get the phone call, you know?

00:38:37.040 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:38:37.760 They're, like, they're just pointing at the TV.

00:38:39.640 You just have to watch it.

00:38:41.560 That's your sentence?

00:38:42.560 That's my sentence, yeah.

00:38:43.900 Yeah, even Breaking Bad, like, I started watching Breaking Bad, and then it got to a point where

00:38:48.920 I was like, well, it can't get any worse than that.

00:38:51.600 And then it always got worse than that.

00:38:53.940 And then I was like, I can't do the show anymore.

00:38:55.860 So I gave up.

00:38:56.920 I stopped watching.

00:38:57.720 You want to watch, like, a happier product.

00:38:59.440 Yeah.

00:38:59.760 It's more so, like, it depends on the level of severity.

00:39:03.760 You know, at some point, some shows, you're like, okay, well, now we're dragging it. 0.98

00:39:06.760 Like, let's kill everybody off, and let's put an end to all of our misery.

00:39:09.960 That's what I felt about Sons of Anarchy when I watched Sons of Anarchy. 0.99

00:39:12.140 I loved that show.

00:39:13.180 Yeah.

00:39:13.480 Well, that did.

00:39:14.120 That brought male grooming way back. 0.85

00:39:16.740 Like, now it's, like, a lot of guys that just, you know, like, it's better for guys to know

00:39:21.100 nothing about male grooming than a little bit about male grooming.

00:39:24.520 Yeah.

00:39:24.620 It's like a lot.

00:39:25.080 It's like, oh, God.

00:39:26.180 Introduce everyone to beard oil.

00:39:28.080 And then it's like, oh, God.

00:39:31.040 So it's just these guys showing up with beard oil.

00:39:33.240 It's like, oh.

00:39:34.580 Some suavecito in hand.

00:39:36.920 And that, like, you know the Sons of Anarchy haircut I'm talking about?

00:39:39.780 Yeah.

00:39:39.800 And the long beard.

00:39:40.620 Yeah.

00:39:41.000 Oh, my God.

00:39:43.160 All a leather vest.

00:39:45.020 Yeah.

00:39:45.420 All of a sudden.

00:39:46.280 Yeah.

00:39:46.940 Is that all it is?

00:39:47.840 It's them kind of biking around?

00:39:49.640 Pretty much.

00:39:50.540 Yeah.

00:39:50.780 That's, like, the whole show.

00:39:52.240 It's like they're, I mean, they're, like, drug mules, essentially.

00:39:56.120 Oh.

00:39:57.000 So, like, biker gang, but really, like, the cartel almost.

00:40:01.840 Bikers have ignored me my whole life until I got this mastiff. 1.00

00:40:04.860 And then they come up and they go, you got a beautiful boy.

00:40:11.200 One guy was crying.

00:40:12.480 Truly crying.

00:40:13.000 Really?

00:40:13.540 That's a beautiful boy.

00:40:16.180 I don't like you.

00:40:18.820 But you got a beautiful boy.

00:40:22.040 He's talking to your dog about you.

00:40:24.200 Yeah.

00:40:24.340 They can't even look at me.

00:40:28.800 You stay over there, please.

00:40:30.360 I'm having a hard time, like, imagining you interacting with, like, a true biker gang. 0.99

00:40:36.120 Yeah.

00:40:37.480 Only with him.

00:40:38.280 Only with him.

00:40:38.820 And he's the conduit.

00:40:41.240 Although, I did go, you know the Rainbow Room in?

00:40:44.300 Yeah, I think so.

00:40:44.900 Yeah.

00:40:45.100 It's, like, roadies and stuff from, like, the 70s.

00:40:47.080 Yeah, yeah.

00:40:47.220 And they're very gentle with me.

00:40:48.520 I think they put their hand on the small of my back.

00:40:50.580 Like, excuse me, baby.

00:40:53.040 You turn around and then they get mad?

00:40:54.960 Oh, yeah.

00:40:55.900 Right.

00:40:56.280 It could just be them.

00:40:57.060 It's because you were in an Ann Taylor Loft blazer.

00:41:00.080 They got confused.

00:41:01.000 I was wearing a smart blazer.

00:41:02.200 Coral.

00:41:02.740 Coral.

00:41:03.260 My bad.

00:41:04.060 Mm-hmm.

00:41:06.280 What's a movie that you do like?

00:41:07.680 No panties.

00:41:08.580 What?

00:41:09.840 Sorry?

00:41:10.920 Movie that I do like.

00:41:13.780 Like, a new one?

00:41:15.940 Whatever you're fancy.

00:41:17.380 Whatever you're feeling.

00:41:18.540 Whether it's your fave one, a recent one you watched.

00:41:21.000 Oh, you're not going to like this.

00:41:22.540 The Shining is my favorite right now.

00:41:26.540 You know what?

00:41:27.920 You got that look about you.

00:41:31.300 You're a big horror movie guy.

00:41:33.360 Like, I could have guessed that about you.

00:41:34.620 Oh, I know.

00:41:35.320 Smelled it on you when you came in here.

00:41:38.420 I know.

00:41:39.540 I watched that movie, I think, not too long ago for the first time ever.

00:41:43.520 I watched it on planes to calm down.

00:41:46.000 That is a little frightening.

00:41:46.980 I know.

00:41:47.460 That thought is a little frightening.

00:41:48.700 I know.

00:41:49.020 It's just so funny because he keeps being like, we're going to have a great time.

00:41:54.740 Like, he keeps telling his family how fun it's going to be.

00:41:57.680 And it's like.

00:41:58.880 And it's getting less and less fun rapidly.

00:42:01.720 It's so not fun.

00:42:03.220 Yeah.

00:42:04.680 I mean, when he's chasing Danny around, I'm just like, this is it.

00:42:09.260 The weirdest part of that.

00:42:11.520 It's funny because when I first watched it, I think I was like in college.

00:42:14.520 And I watched it at home with my parents.

00:42:16.440 Yeah.

00:42:16.760 And my little brother, I think, tried to watch it, but he got too scared and he left.

00:42:20.740 And my mom was like, there's a part in this movie that fucked me up so bad when I was a 0.91

00:42:25.160 kid, but I'm not going to tell you what it is. 0.69

00:42:26.600 Like, she wanted me to guess what it was.

00:42:28.680 What part was it?

00:42:29.580 Oh, the dog?

00:42:30.440 No.

00:42:31.620 Do you want to guess?

00:42:32.780 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:42:34.600 It's like it was a weird random moment in the movie.

00:42:38.480 Is it when Scatman Crothers is on his bed?

00:42:40.360 It's just kind of like, and there's all those topless models on the wall and it's like a

00:42:44.940 20 minute zoom out.

00:42:45.960 Okay. 0.95

00:42:47.080 But that part is fucking weird. 0.96

00:42:48.640 I love that part. 0.98

00:42:50.660 Naturally.

00:42:51.140 That's when I go and get a drink and I come back and it's only like a little bit further

00:42:53.760 out.

00:42:57.640 Something Shelley Duvall, obviously. 0.96

00:42:59.580 No, I think I don't know.

00:43:01.440 Well, I actually don't know if Shelley Duvall was in the scene. 0.90

00:43:03.140 I don't think she was, but it's it's the part with the old lady when she's naked. 1.00

00:43:06.560 Oh, oh, my God.

00:43:07.500 Yeah.

00:43:07.760 Yeah.

00:43:08.080 And she's just walking like, oh, my mom was like, well, you think it's a you think it's

00:43:11.980 a hottie and then it turns out it's a dead old lady. 1.00

00:43:16.640 And Nicholson's like, oh, I mean, it's the original.

00:43:19.460 This again.

00:43:20.120 Yeah.

00:43:21.320 Nicholson got catfished in room four.

00:43:24.040 I hate when that happens.

00:43:25.340 Yeah. 1.00

00:43:25.800 God fucking Tinder. 1.00

00:43:26.940 What's your favorite movie? 1.00

00:43:29.000 Um, I think one of my favorite movies of all time is Uncle Buck.

00:43:32.340 I've never seen Uncle Buck.

00:43:34.000 You should watch.

00:43:34.600 I just know he does the shovel flapjacks, right? 0.87

00:43:36.820 Yes.

00:43:37.320 He makes the giant pancake for his birthday.

00:43:39.220 Yeah.

00:43:39.740 Truly one of my favorite movies of all time.

00:43:41.520 You love John Candy.

00:43:42.360 I do love John Candy. 0.95

00:43:43.600 But it's like it's like just so fucking funny. 0.82

00:43:47.100 I watched it recently, like during the holidays with my family. 1.00

00:43:50.100 I was laughing like I've never seen the shit. 0.99

00:43:52.000 I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I've never seen it in my life. 0.99

00:43:56.780 But that's one of my favorite movies.

00:43:58.320 Yeah.

00:43:58.760 I like a little.

00:43:59.380 I like a funny movie.

00:44:00.480 I only recently started watching horror movies because I really don't like horror.

00:44:04.740 Then.

00:44:05.000 Yeah, you shouldn't.

00:44:05.580 I, I, I, if you.

00:44:07.060 Most people shouldn't.

00:44:07.600 No, no, it's not.

00:44:08.840 I just, I don't know what.

00:44:10.960 Yeah.

00:44:11.160 I mean, it's like, it's like, I'm so anxious and it's like, it's like, it's like, it's

00:44:14.860 like I can be anxious about what's happening there and not worry about everything.

00:44:19.000 Yeah.

00:44:19.360 Gotcha.

00:44:19.700 Have you ever seen Hereditary?

00:44:21.200 Of course.

00:44:22.220 That movie.

00:44:23.180 That's to this day, probably the scariest movie I've ever seen.

00:44:26.760 But the context in which I saw it was horrible too, because my sister was like, let's go watch

00:44:32.940 a scary movie.

00:44:33.960 Yeah.

00:44:34.160 And I was just branching out into scary.

00:44:36.360 I was like, okay, for sure.

00:44:37.680 It's just, it's so crushing too.

00:44:38.820 It is.

00:44:39.380 It's like.

00:44:39.840 It breaks you.

00:44:40.300 It's a really great movie.

00:44:41.960 It's just horrifying.

00:44:43.920 Like.

00:44:44.180 When you find out that she had it coming because she was a demon, that makes it a little bit

00:44:47.580 better.

00:44:47.920 Yeah, that's true.

00:44:48.840 Than just like a random fourth grader.

00:44:50.640 Yeah.

00:44:51.460 Yeah.

00:44:51.820 But in that period where you're like, wait, I don't think I'm ready for anything.

00:44:56.420 I think I need to go home.

00:44:57.460 And then you're like, oh, okay. 0.97

00:44:58.560 She was a demon.

00:44:59.680 Okay.

00:45:00.120 When it got to the, like after, like she dies in the movie or whatever, spoiler alert. 0.99

00:45:07.060 I remember my heart was like in my fucking throat, like the entire time. 0.98

00:45:12.220 And it was, I, it was going past that part. 0.99

00:45:15.180 And I was telling my sister, I was like, dude, how fucking long is this movie? 0.88

00:45:18.260 Oh yeah. 0.96

00:45:18.860 I can't take this.

00:45:19.920 It's 24 hours.

00:45:20.900 Yeah.

00:45:21.400 Yeah.

00:45:21.820 And we were in, I saw it in the theaters too.

00:45:23.620 Me too.

00:45:24.020 And that was like one of the first movies I had watched in so long where I like, I could

00:45:27.940 not go to sleep for like days.

00:45:30.200 Do you check the shower curtain?

00:45:31.500 Yeah.

00:45:31.800 I always check shower curtains.

00:45:33.020 Oh yeah.

00:45:33.380 All the time.

00:45:34.040 Every bathroom I've ever been in.

00:45:36.080 I don't know what I'm going to do when I find, when I find a guy.

00:45:40.780 Yeah.

00:45:41.060 If you do find them.

00:45:42.340 Yeah.

00:45:42.680 They're probably hiding from you.

00:45:44.460 Yeah.

00:45:45.620 Probably.

00:45:46.300 Yeah.

00:45:46.840 Your sleepwalking is probably freaking them out a little bit.

00:45:48.880 You ever think about people that might, oh no, I don't want to say this to

00:45:51.400 No, go ahead.

00:45:52.320 Go ahead.

00:45:53.360 There's a theory that there are some houses where there's people like that live in your

00:45:56.580 house.

00:45:57.260 Yeah.

00:45:57.720 Like on some like, what's that movie called?

00:45:59.980 The Boy?

00:46:00.840 I don't know.

00:46:01.120 Is that The Boy?

00:46:01.740 The one where he lives in the walls?

00:46:03.240 Oh God.

00:46:03.620 You ever seen that one?

00:46:04.320 No.

00:46:04.660 It's like, it's not a good quality of life though for them.

00:46:09.740 Also, you've got to pay rent if you're lame.

00:46:12.180 You know what I mean? 0.94

00:46:12.860 You're going to haunt me. 1.00

00:46:13.560 At least fucking contribute. 1.00

00:46:14.780 You'd hear them on Zoom. 0.99

00:46:16.100 Yeah.

00:46:17.080 I think if they were there.

00:46:18.680 The Wi-Fi's slow.

00:46:19.720 They're like, can you log off please?

00:46:21.000 I have a meeting.

00:46:22.800 There's a scary movie called The Boy.

00:46:25.420 And it's like, this lady gets hired to be a nanny. 1.00

00:46:29.880 And then the parents are like, okay, here he is.

00:46:32.920 And it's a puppet.

00:46:33.840 Like, it's a little doll.

00:46:34.900 A little boy doll.

00:46:35.740 And she's like, you want me to take care of the doll?

00:46:37.620 And they're like, yeah.

00:46:38.480 And they have this list of instructions.

00:46:40.040 And they're like, you have to do all of these things.

00:46:42.700 And you have to do them in order.

00:46:43.860 And she's like, okay.

00:46:45.420 And of course, she's like doing it at first. 1.00

00:46:46.960 But then she's like, this is a fucking doll. 0.99

00:46:48.220 Like, I don't have to. 1.00

00:46:48.840 She starts deviating.

00:46:50.220 And then the doll starts like moving on its own.

00:46:52.580 Acting out.

00:46:53.180 Yeah.

00:46:53.340 Turns out, spoiler alert again, it's their son.

00:46:57.320 Like, the old couple that hired her.

00:46:59.680 It's their son.

00:47:00.520 And he's like, developmentally behind.

00:47:02.620 He thinks he's a little boy still.

00:47:03.780 Or like, wants to be.

00:47:04.700 And he lives in the walls.

00:47:06.160 And he's the one who's been moving the doll.

00:47:08.120 Oh.

00:47:08.640 And he watches her through like, little people everywhere.

00:47:11.340 Like, he has all these little holes drilled everywhere.

00:47:13.020 Yeah.

00:47:13.680 Oh.

00:47:14.320 That's the twist is that he is an actual man.

00:47:16.940 But he's living in the walls.

00:47:17.620 He's in the drywall?

00:47:18.800 Yeah.

00:47:19.120 Like, literally.

00:47:19.580 He has like, little secret passageways that he built.

00:47:22.020 To like, scurry within them. 0.52

00:47:23.240 Like a little rat.

00:47:24.640 But he's a full grown man. 0.68

00:47:25.760 That seems like you would hear that someone having that job in LA.

00:47:29.280 It's like a very LA.

00:47:31.120 Oh yeah, when I first moved to LA.

00:47:34.240 I was a caretaker for a doll.

00:47:35.920 But the boy was in the walls.

00:47:37.920 It was the whole thing.

00:47:38.980 Yeah.

00:47:39.840 It was pretty good.

00:47:40.760 Didn't pay very well.

00:47:41.660 Yeah, 20 an hour.

00:47:44.180 No work experience required.

00:47:45.780 No, no.

00:47:47.780 What's the weirdest job you've ever had?

00:47:51.140 I was just, well, I don't know if it's weird, but it's surprising.

00:47:54.580 And that I was a ski instructor for a while.

00:47:57.740 And people get really bummed out when they hear that.

00:48:00.920 When my fan base found out that I ski, they're like, this is not what we eat.

00:48:08.160 You're on thin ice.

00:48:08.840 This is not the promise.

00:48:09.740 No, not at all.

00:48:11.040 Yeah.

00:48:11.440 You a big skier?

00:48:12.120 You like the snow?

00:48:13.160 My family likes it.

00:48:14.520 I did it for the snow bunny lifestyle.

00:48:18.880 Gotcha.

00:48:19.320 I'd like to drink hot cocoa in the lodge.

00:48:22.200 Yeah.

00:48:22.980 Gab with the gals. 0.85

00:48:24.160 Yeah.

00:48:25.180 Obviously.

00:48:26.220 Yeah.

00:48:26.700 And I picked up the ability to.

00:48:29.300 But I was teaching like three to five-year-olds for a while.

00:48:32.500 Okay.

00:48:33.080 Which is mostly just them just kind of falling over and then me picking them up.

00:48:38.600 It's pretty cute.

00:48:39.760 And did you like that job?

00:48:41.200 No.

00:48:43.540 No.

00:48:43.940 Not particularly, no.

00:48:44.960 It was very grueling.

00:48:46.240 It was four years.

00:48:47.440 And it was. 0.99

00:48:47.960 Damn. 1.00

00:48:48.540 That's a long ass time. 1.00

00:48:49.740 It was all high school. 0.75

00:48:50.740 Yeah.

00:48:51.020 Every.

00:48:51.720 Is that like year round or did you only go like.

00:48:53.560 Just winter.

00:48:54.260 Oh, gotcha.

00:48:54.820 Yeah.

00:48:55.060 New Hampshire.

00:48:56.360 Yeah.

00:48:56.760 Fancy.

00:48:57.360 What's your weirdest job?

00:49:01.100 My weirdest job was probably the job I had like right out of college where I worked

00:49:07.380 in public.

00:49:10.060 Like it's public relations, but basically outreach.

00:49:12.220 And it's fancy schmancy words for like I had to give people bad news about construction. 0.97

00:49:18.020 So I get to tell them like your community is going to suck for the next 15 years. 0.79

00:49:21.060 I hope you're cool with that.

00:49:22.200 Your tax dollars are going towards it.

00:49:23.520 Anyways, do you want to get emails about it?

00:49:25.280 Oh my God.

00:49:25.880 Or yes, no.

00:49:27.400 Like you would tell people in an area like, oh, they're going to build.

00:49:30.140 Yeah.

00:49:30.620 Like when they were expanding the 405 and all that.

00:49:33.180 Oh my God.

00:49:33.680 Oh yeah.

00:49:34.080 My sister and I trekking up and down those neighborhoods telling everybody.

00:49:36.840 Oh.

00:49:38.440 Oh my God.

00:49:38.880 They're going to be power drilling behind your house for the next two and a half years

00:49:41.500 minimum.

00:49:43.240 Thoughts about that or?

00:49:46.620 It was.

00:49:47.440 How do you feel?

00:49:48.220 Yeah.

00:49:48.740 Go ahead.

00:49:49.360 Tell me.

00:49:49.760 I have nothing better to do.

00:49:51.240 Yeah.

00:49:51.760 It's Tuesday and it's 12 p.m.

00:49:53.400 And it's a million degrees outside.

00:49:54.620 I'd love that.

00:49:55.140 And then I'm sure they yell at you like you are the one making the choice.

00:49:58.100 Oh yeah.

00:49:58.320 Yeah.

00:49:58.500 Yeah.

00:49:58.700 I've made that joke before too.

00:50:00.340 I'm like, well, clearly I'm the one who makes the choices because I'm wearing a too

00:50:04.120 small polo and I'm on your doorstep.

00:50:06.500 I'm the head honcho in charge.

00:50:09.080 I made the call. 1.00

00:50:10.820 Girl, fuck the freeway. 1.00

00:50:11.840 I hate them too. 1.00

00:50:13.020 Right. 0.94

00:50:13.380 I don't care.

00:50:14.660 I love how people assume it's the same.

00:50:16.840 Yeah.

00:50:17.080 Oh yeah.

00:50:17.500 They would scream at me.

00:50:18.780 Like we would do these things called neighborhood meetings and I don't know if you all know

00:50:24.180 this, but like old people love a neighborhood. 1.00

00:50:27.320 Like they, you want to pack the house, bitch. 1.00

00:50:29.900 You say neighborhood meeting, free coffee and donuts, a thousand old people outside, like 1.00

00:50:34.340 immediately they're outside and they would, they would come in and they would sit down.

00:50:38.560 They would be there 15 minutes early picking everything and they'd sit down and they would 0.99

00:50:43.480 bitch and moan. 1.00

00:50:44.780 Like they would scream and yell at us. 1.00

00:50:47.200 And I was like, I'm literally 22. 0.99

00:50:49.900 Like I don't give a fuck about this job, girl. 0.99

00:50:52.900 Oh my God. 0.99

00:50:53.960 I don't care.

00:50:56.440 Like my sister and I, we joke about it all the time because I was like, why were we doing

00:51:01.700 that? 0.98

00:51:02.240 Like what the fuck am I doing? 0.99

00:51:04.800 Door to door stuff. 0.99

00:51:06.580 Is horrible.

00:51:07.780 It's the scariest.

00:51:08.680 I did that at 22 as well.

00:51:10.060 Oh, you did?

00:51:10.660 Not that specifically.

00:51:11.780 I was selling paint.

00:51:12.180 No, but yeah.

00:51:12.400 Door to door job.

00:51:13.420 It was.

00:51:13.840 What were you doing?

00:51:14.500 Trying to get people to, uh, I would find a house that needed to be painted like a decrepit

00:51:19.760 house and I would knock on the door and I'd be like, you should get your house painted

00:51:23.740 and here's the guy who can do it. 1.00

00:51:25.200 And they'd be like, fuck you. 1.00

00:51:27.980 How fucking dare you? 1.00

00:51:29.180 For looking at my house like that. 0.99

00:51:32.120 Cause I'm just like, I'm just like walking around.

00:51:34.100 It's like looking for like paint that's crisping.

00:51:38.000 It's a, I couldn't ever go door to door now.

00:51:40.320 Oh my God.

00:51:41.020 Oh my God.

00:51:41.420 It's so scary to think about.

00:51:42.720 I, especially now I feel like with ring camera doorbells and all that, like they didn't 0.99

00:51:47.880 have that shit when I was doing it. 0.99

00:51:49.480 And if a good thing, because I was complaining on the job, God, I fucking need this job. 1.00

00:51:59.040 Yeah. 0.97

00:51:59.320 And I knock on the door and I feel even at those neighborhood meetings, like the amount

00:52:03.960 of times my sister and I were screamed at by old people.

00:52:07.460 And one time this guy was like just yelling at my sister about it. 0.99

00:52:11.320 Like he was like, ah, like this fucking freeway, blah, blah, blah. 0.98

00:52:14.380 And then he goes, my sister goes, I know I'm so sorry. 0.99

00:52:17.560 Um, we can give you updates via email.

00:52:20.100 I can give you a phone number to call, you know, to tell them your grievance.

00:52:23.040 And he was like, what's, what's your citizenship?

00:52:27.160 Like he just immediately was like, what country are you from?

00:52:31.340 My sister goes, me?

00:52:33.600 She's like, he's been talking to her for 15 minutes.

00:52:38.120 She's like, are you asking me?

00:52:40.060 And he's like, yeah.

00:52:41.700 That's a good way to give yourself a second to think.

00:52:43.900 Me?

00:52:46.980 In a one-on-one?

00:52:49.760 Me?

00:52:51.280 Wait, just give me a second.

00:52:52.920 She was like, um, here?

00:52:56.300 Like this is the Russians who want to improve at the freeway.

00:52:59.780 He's like, yeah, you know, yeah, they have, yeah, they have an illegal alien giving you 0.99

00:53:06.960 information about the fucking freeway. 1.00

00:53:08.840 What the fuck are you talking about? 1.00

00:53:12.180 And he was like, I even went up and I was like. 1.00

00:53:14.900 What's your citizenship?

00:53:16.160 Yeah.

00:53:17.040 What's your citizenship?

00:53:18.700 And she was like, what? 1.00

00:53:20.920 Like, what the fuck? 0.99

00:53:22.280 Like, I even, I interrupted too. 0.99

00:53:25.000 And I was like, what's going on?

00:53:26.820 And he was like, I want to know what country you're from.

00:53:30.520 And then I go.

00:53:31.920 She's in LA.

00:53:33.080 Yeah.

00:53:33.720 Actually, it was in Orange County.

00:53:35.000 So.

00:53:35.260 Oh.

00:53:35.700 Oh.

00:53:36.020 Tracks.

00:53:36.580 Yeah.

00:53:36.940 Yeah.

00:53:37.180 And so he was like, I want to know what country she's from.

00:53:39.440 I go, why?

00:53:40.280 What does that have to do with the freeway?

00:53:41.740 Nothing, right?

00:53:42.740 Get out of here.

00:53:43.780 I was like, I can't do this job anymore.

00:53:45.580 You're on someone's doorstep?

00:53:47.760 Get out of here.

00:53:48.240 No, that was actually at a neighborhood meeting.

00:53:49.660 Oh, okay. 1.00

00:53:50.320 That was at one of those fucking neighborhood meetings, dude. 0.99

00:53:55.280 One time my sister was like, I have to play this voicemail, dude, that I got. 0.99

00:53:59.240 And she got a voicemail from a guy talking for, I'm not kidding, 20 minutes.

00:54:03.720 And he needed to know what type of gravel they were using on the 405 freeway.

00:54:09.380 Why would you ever need to know that?

00:54:11.240 He was just like insist.

00:54:12.280 He's like, I need to know.

00:54:13.600 I need to know.

00:54:14.720 You need to call me back.

00:54:15.900 And my sister had to call an engineer, talk to them, call someone else, approve it, then

00:54:21.160 call it back, explain it to them.

00:54:22.080 He was on Jeopardy.

00:54:24.120 Yeah.

00:54:24.580 I was just like.

00:54:25.460 I need to know right now.

00:54:26.740 Quick, quick, quick, quick, quick.

00:54:27.560 Please, please, please, please.

00:54:29.980 She's his phone a friend.

00:54:31.320 Yeah.

00:54:32.500 Please, please, please, please answer me.

00:54:34.200 Please call me back.

00:54:34.860 Quebec's being patient.

00:54:36.700 Please, though.

00:54:37.340 He gave me five.

00:54:38.180 Yes.

00:54:38.340 He gave me five.

00:54:38.740 He gave me five.

00:54:39.180 Limestone.

00:54:44.280 So now she knows what kind of gravel is on the 405 freeway.

00:54:46.240 What kind of gravel is on the 405?

00:54:48.740 It's one of the concrete.

00:54:50.180 Oh, concrete.

00:54:50.980 Or asphalt, yeah.

00:54:52.140 What a dweeb. 1.00

00:54:54.380 What a fucking door. 1.00

00:54:55.660 What a little pencil neck geek. 1.00

00:54:59.480 It's amazing what old people. 1.00

00:55:00.380 I just want to throw that guy into a locker.

00:55:03.520 And that's not my style.

00:55:05.200 Yeah.

00:55:06.340 But it's what the universe calls for. 1.00

00:55:09.180 What kind of fucking. 1.00

00:55:10.960 I just don't. 1.00

00:55:11.660 I'll never understand.

00:55:12.480 I think the things old people find to complain about. 1.00

00:55:16.140 Endless.

00:55:16.920 Oh, yeah.

00:55:17.700 Yeah.

00:55:18.380 Do you ever have a job where you worked with old people? 1.00

00:55:21.560 Old people. 0.98

00:55:22.320 Oh, yeah.

00:55:22.840 I was a health club front of like a front of front of house greeter.

00:55:28.420 Really?

00:55:29.120 Yeah.

00:55:29.460 Oh, like an old people gym? 0.90

00:55:31.040 It was.

00:55:31.780 It was like a sauna situation.

00:55:33.740 Well, I guess I guess it was old people for the water aerobics. 1.00

00:55:37.160 And that was that was where they gotcha.

00:55:38.700 That was where they made their real.

00:55:41.300 Their real bag.

00:55:43.580 It's there.

00:55:44.420 It's just, you know, it's that kind of a thing.

00:55:46.020 Yeah.

00:55:46.440 Yeah.

00:55:46.720 Yeah.

00:55:46.920 Yeah.

00:55:47.020 Yeah.

00:55:47.260 Lots of one pieces.

00:55:48.340 Yeah.

00:55:48.560 Yeah.

00:55:48.820 No, it was a rough.

00:55:49.680 That was a rough job.

00:55:51.040 Really?

00:55:51.580 Yeah.

00:55:52.020 Yeah.

00:55:52.520 Yeah.

00:55:53.600 Because it was me and a bunch of older ladies who worked the desk. 1.00

00:55:56.580 Okay.

00:55:56.940 And yeah, they were cool.

00:56:00.000 Yeah.

00:56:00.760 It was just it was 2006.

00:56:03.160 Not a great year.

00:56:04.980 Just overall.

00:56:06.240 Yeah.

00:56:06.580 Are we the same age?

00:56:07.920 37?

00:56:08.760 No.

00:56:12.420 Don't really want to tell you my age.

00:56:14.540 No, no, you shouldn't.

00:56:17.740 You're late 20s.

00:56:19.280 Yeah.

00:56:19.700 I'm 28.

00:56:20.520 Going to be 29.

00:56:21.540 Everyone I meet is 28 now.

00:56:23.420 Really?

00:56:23.900 Yeah.

00:56:24.100 My life is just jam packed to 28 year olds.

00:56:27.320 Mine's 25.

00:56:28.340 Like everybody I meet, they're like 24, 25.

00:56:30.320 Jesus.

00:56:30.980 I know.

00:56:31.640 That's a baby in swaddling linens.

00:56:33.260 25. 0.99

00:56:34.500 I say the same thing, especially because I'm a dickhead on the internet.

00:56:38.360 Like whenever I meet other people from the internet, they're like, oh, I'm 21.

00:56:42.760 And I'm like, oh, they're like, how old are you?

00:56:45.080 28. 0.99

00:56:45.920 Damn. 1.00

00:56:47.120 Like it's the immediate reaction. 1.00

00:56:48.620 Oh, damn. 1.00

00:56:50.100 Wait, they think 28's old? 1.00

00:56:51.280 Yeah.

00:56:51.540 All the time.

00:56:52.320 They're like, oh, my God, you're like almost 30.

00:56:53.800 And I'm like, okay.

00:56:55.360 Is that a bad thing?

00:56:56.520 Good thing.

00:56:57.300 I can't tell.

00:56:58.660 It was you and Caleb talking about how Caleb trying to get set up with a 36 year old.

00:57:03.620 37 year old.

00:57:04.140 He's like, what am I going to do?

00:57:04.520 Take him to die out?

00:57:05.720 He's like, what am I going to set me up to do what?

00:57:07.880 Take him to his appointments?

00:57:08.640 They got so mad at us on TikTok. 0.87

00:57:12.580 They got pissed the fuck off on TikTok. 0.72

00:57:15.560 I even wrote on there. 0.88

00:57:16.720 I was like, don't be mad, Gen Xers.

00:57:18.840 It's a joke.

00:57:19.640 They're not Gen Xers.

00:57:20.520 We're all millennials.

00:57:21.000 Elder millennials. 0.77

00:57:21.660 Yeah.

00:57:21.920 Elder millennials. 0.77

00:57:22.740 But I was like, I was joking about that, though.

00:57:25.080 But I was like, plus, I know your blood pressure needs to stay low.

00:57:28.500 So relax.

00:57:29.520 Take it down a notch.

00:57:30.740 Chill.

00:57:31.320 It's so funny.

00:57:32.540 It is.

00:57:33.240 And it's funny, too, because in the context of the clip right before that, we were talking 0.97

00:57:36.940 about being fucking old compared to everybody on the Internet. 0.95

00:57:40.120 Like, we're a million years old compared to everybody. 0.99

00:57:43.760 They're always like, oh.

00:57:45.380 Yeah.

00:57:45.760 I thought you were a lot younger than that.

00:57:47.440 I think when we hit 40, I do think our phone should be taken away and we're given like

00:57:52.120 a fake phone where we think we're uploading.

00:57:55.480 Good video, Chris.

00:57:58.240 It's getting a lot of engagement.

00:58:00.960 I think that's fair.

00:58:03.240 Yeah.

00:58:03.500 I rather enjoy getting older.

00:58:05.960 I don't.

00:58:06.180 Oh, it's so good.

00:58:07.480 It's way better.

00:58:08.060 Oh, my God.

00:58:08.560 I didn't stop moving in my 20s.

00:58:10.360 I was.

00:58:10.640 Yeah.

00:58:10.960 I was just like a humming.

00:58:12.160 I was like.

00:58:12.820 I was flitting from one flower to be like, meet me here.

00:58:15.300 And then I just like run right by them.

00:58:18.160 I couldn't stop.

00:58:19.560 I know.

00:58:19.980 Same.

00:58:20.960 My boyfriend has a brother and his brother's like, what, 23?

00:58:25.460 Yeah.

00:58:25.720 23.

00:58:26.440 Young.

00:58:27.380 Military.

00:58:28.500 Oh.

00:58:29.560 Yeah.

00:58:29.820 One of those.

00:58:30.460 Which branch?

00:58:31.900 Army.

00:58:32.560 Yeah.

00:58:33.020 Yeah.

00:58:33.700 Wow.

00:58:34.540 Rip.

00:58:36.580 He's coming.

00:58:38.480 He gets out actually this year.

00:58:40.300 But I remember he called us once and he was like asking us something about like he was

00:58:46.500 trying to make some sort of dish.

00:58:47.740 And then he was like, what are you what are you making?

00:58:50.160 And he was like, oh, I'm making a dish for this party I'm going to.

00:58:53.440 It's like a potluck. 0.99

00:58:54.660 And he goes, what fucking party are you going to at 23? 1.00

00:58:57.740 That's a potluck. 1.00

00:58:58.820 And we were fucking laughing. 1.00

00:59:00.440 I was like, no, fucking for real. 1.00

00:59:02.220 I bring nothing but vibes and like a half drinking handle of Captain Morgan. 1.00

00:59:06.580 Like, that's what the fuck I'm showing up with when I'm 23. 0.99

00:59:09.820 Yeah. 0.99

00:59:10.280 He's like, what?

00:59:10.980 You're bringing, you're bringing Franzia in your hands.

00:59:14.000 Yeah.

00:59:14.600 Yeah.

00:59:15.280 Literally.

00:59:16.800 You're like, I saved this from last night.

00:59:18.820 This is for me.

00:59:21.980 Yeah.

00:59:22.480 Oh my gosh.

00:59:23.000 That reminds me.

00:59:23.360 23.

00:59:23.900 There was one girl that used to hang out with my friends in college and I, and we, we sniffed

00:59:28.320 her out like her little strategy out well into her coming and hanging out with us all

00:59:32.520 the time.

00:59:32.800 But we used to be like, it wasn't ever potluck, but it's like, if you come and you bring your

00:59:37.520 own liquor kind of thing, and we all kind of share, right?

00:59:39.740 Whenever we'd have parties or whatever.

00:59:41.160 Yeah.

00:59:41.400 We found out pretty late in the game that she was bringing the same bottle of wine that

00:59:45.740 was half drinking that she would keep in the trunk of her car.

00:59:48.340 And that was her contribution.

00:59:50.420 Always took it home.

00:59:51.620 Brilliant.

00:59:51.860 Never drank it.

00:59:52.700 Brilliant.

00:59:53.200 You know, it's like brilliant.

00:59:54.480 She was finessing us for months. 1.00

00:59:56.500 Yeah.

00:59:56.840 For literally months.

00:59:57.640 That's a grifter.

00:59:58.160 Yeah.

00:59:58.980 Yeah.

00:59:59.380 A grifter.

01:00:00.000 Yeah.

01:00:00.500 That's.

01:00:01.260 She's doing this to other people. 0.99

01:00:03.280 No, seriously.

01:00:04.320 She was finessing us for. 0.63

01:00:05.420 What were you bringing?

01:00:06.740 I would normally bring, my friends and I would bring like a 30 rack of like rolling rock or

01:00:11.900 something.

01:00:12.680 Like a, do they still have Maddie Ice?

01:00:14.800 Yeah.

01:00:15.380 Maddie Ice was, I remember that was a.

01:00:17.420 Yeah.

01:00:17.860 That was like that, like for loco MD 2020.

01:00:22.820 MD 2020.

01:00:24.120 What's MD 2020?

01:00:25.060 Is it Mad Dog?

01:00:25.980 Yeah.

01:00:26.120 Mad Dog.

01:00:26.640 Have you ever had those?

01:00:27.260 No.

01:00:28.120 They come in these like liquor bottles and they're like the brightest.

01:00:32.800 Colors.

01:00:33.560 Like.

01:00:33.840 Like a gun stick.

01:00:34.620 Yeah.

01:00:34.800 Like you're not supposed to eat that.

01:00:36.300 No.

01:00:36.640 That you are not supposed to.

01:00:37.740 Like those buzz balls.

01:00:39.120 Yes.

01:00:39.580 I've had those too.

01:00:40.040 That move around.

01:00:40.260 Have you looked at it for a while?

01:00:41.720 It's like.

01:00:43.600 Yeah.

01:00:44.000 You can see your fortune in there. 1.00

01:00:45.180 You're going to shit in your pants. 1.00

01:00:47.720 That's your fortune inside those. 1.00

01:00:49.480 Yeah.

01:00:49.660 Yeah.

01:00:49.820 I've had those.

01:00:50.240 It's a, what do they call when you, it's like, um, the liquid that you drink so that

01:00:54.240 you see things in your body.

01:00:56.520 Contrast.

01:00:57.340 Contrast liquid.

01:00:58.020 You can see it moving.

01:00:59.680 It's just nurses selling it. 0.99

01:01:03.380 It's in a buzz ball.

01:01:04.540 It's a buzz ball.

01:01:06.080 I know this game.

01:01:07.440 Yeah.

01:01:07.760 Yeah.

01:01:09.200 Yeah.

01:01:09.720 The first time I had, uh, the MD 2020, it's like the neon liquor.

01:01:15.780 Uh, these two girls, they drank them, like drank the entire thing. 1.00

01:01:19.440 I only had a couple of drinks that they drank the whole thing and they were so fucked up. 0.99

01:01:22.260 And I remember they were being too obnoxious. 0.99

01:01:25.320 So my, my buddy was like, Hey, you guys got to go.

01:01:27.300 Cause we were like at a house party and they were like, I have to use the bathroom.

01:01:30.480 And he was like, okay, but be fast.

01:01:32.920 They went in there.

01:01:34.220 Yeah.

01:01:35.080 Exorcism.

01:01:35.580 They threw up everywhere, but the toilet then left.

01:01:41.620 And I thought that was funny.

01:01:44.040 There's like hair on the wall.

01:01:46.240 Seriously.

01:01:47.360 Black liquid just everywhere.

01:01:49.080 She runs out like the ring on all fours. 1.00

01:01:54.200 Crawls back into the TV.

01:01:57.580 Thanks for the guitar.

01:02:01.820 And I laughed really hard.

01:02:03.140 Yeah.

01:02:03.580 Cause it wasn't my house and I didn't have to clean it.

01:02:05.820 That was always when, yeah, we, we, we stopped throwing parties in college when, when seeing what happened in the bathroom once like that, which is a sign of it.

01:02:14.100 Like really blowing up.

01:02:15.200 Like that's like, you know what?

01:02:16.220 This is good.

01:02:16.800 But like, when there's, when there's blood in the bathroom, you're like this.

01:02:22.100 Yeah.

01:02:22.340 We got it.

01:02:23.020 Something's off.

01:02:23.520 We got to wrap this up.

01:02:25.340 Like, I'm sure it was just like a bloody note.

01:02:27.280 I would have to tell myself.

01:02:29.200 That's what I would tell myself.

01:02:30.400 Yeah.

01:02:30.940 What's the, the, like, what was kind of your vibe in college?

01:02:34.740 Were you a big partier?

01:02:35.580 Did you like to have fun?

01:02:36.680 I did like to have fun.

01:02:37.900 I had a big partier.

01:02:39.040 Um, I didn't drink until college.

01:02:42.220 Same.

01:02:42.800 Actually.

01:02:43.360 Yeah.

01:02:43.940 I was like, my mom was, was real.

01:02:47.200 Like you guys can go to the parties, but like no drinking or anything like that when I was in high school.

01:02:51.080 Yeah.

01:02:51.420 So I was like, okay, that's fine.

01:02:52.940 And you obeyed.

01:02:53.740 Yeah.

01:02:54.080 I was like, cool.

01:02:54.920 I was weirdly responsible and articulate as a child.

01:02:58.360 Yeah.

01:02:58.660 Like my mom told me once she was like, well, she actually, she's told me multiple times that I used to kind of scare her a little bit as a child.

01:03:05.100 You're like one of those kids.

01:03:05.860 It's like, I've always been here.

01:03:09.000 I speak in full sentences.

01:03:10.640 Like one reminds me of that trip that you and dad went on in the 1960s.

01:03:14.780 And it's like, oh no.

01:03:17.880 Is she clairvoyant?

01:03:20.180 Yeah.

01:03:20.720 Yeah.

01:03:20.940 She just said I was weirdly articulate as a child.

01:03:23.920 Like I did never crawl.

01:03:25.400 She said, I just stood up and started walking. 0.95

01:03:27.220 That scared the fuck out of her. 0.83

01:03:28.760 Yeah. 0.91

01:03:28.960 I'd move.

01:03:30.460 That's not right.

01:03:31.020 Leave me behind.

01:03:31.960 Oh.

01:03:32.780 Oh, that's so.

01:03:34.460 Wow.

01:03:35.060 Yeah.

01:03:35.320 Pretty horrifying.

01:03:36.260 So you were like a good student then.

01:03:37.760 Yeah.

01:03:38.240 I was really good at, I loved, I loved the school part because I liked being the best at that stuff.

01:03:43.620 Yeah.

01:03:44.300 Virgo.

01:03:45.480 Oh, Virgo.

01:03:46.060 What's your son?

01:03:47.040 Aquarius.

01:03:47.760 Nice.

01:03:48.580 I'm a, I'm a butterfly.

01:03:50.660 I'm a flight risk.

01:03:52.820 True.

01:03:53.560 You know, yeah.

01:03:54.120 People always want to bring me.

01:03:56.420 Hummingbird.

01:03:57.400 Yeah.

01:03:58.000 Yeah.

01:03:58.180 Were you like to party in college?

01:04:01.380 Because you didn't drink till college.

01:04:02.760 Yeah.

01:04:03.140 Yeah.

01:04:03.340 No, it was beautiful.

01:04:04.640 Yeah.

01:04:04.900 I, I, I mean, I, I, I found alcohol at that age.

01:04:08.320 I think when, I think the Irish in me, like waiting that long, it did feel like what I 0.57

01:04:13.560 read ayahuasca experience.

01:04:16.160 All of a sudden you're at Burning Man.

01:04:17.560 I'm just like at home, you know, it's like having like a bird's eye view.

01:04:21.080 It's just like, oh, this is beautiful.

01:04:24.020 Yeah.

01:04:25.020 Yeah.

01:04:26.660 Because you finally started drinking.

01:04:28.220 It was so fun.

01:04:29.940 It was so much fun.

01:04:31.700 Yeah.

01:04:32.300 Yeah.

01:04:32.900 Did you do comedy in college?

01:04:34.760 No.

01:04:35.280 No.

01:04:35.620 Honestly, no.

01:04:36.440 I just kind of, because my original path in college, I was trying to be a journalist.

01:04:40.560 So I was trying to be a sports journalist.

01:04:42.180 Cool.

01:04:42.920 I know a comic who went, who tried to be a journalist too.

01:04:46.200 Yeah.

01:04:46.340 Now I talk about monkeys riding bareback.

01:04:48.540 So that's journalism.

01:04:49.500 It all worked out.

01:04:51.660 Happy ending for all of us.

01:04:52.960 Well, I mean, it's all about communication and to communicate a joke, you have to know

01:04:56.960 how it's going to be received.

01:04:59.240 Totally.

01:05:00.180 You wanted to be Rachel Maddow.

01:05:01.800 No, actually I wanted to be like a sports journalist.

01:05:04.200 So I wanted to be like, like a long form narrative journalist.

01:05:07.960 Like I wanted to follow people for like months and then put together a story and then, but

01:05:12.380 when you're in journalism, like I did journalism and communications as like a double major.

01:05:15.600 And so my journalism course, like course, I had to film myself a lot and do like stories.

01:05:21.580 And that's how I started talking in front of a camera, learned how to edit, all that

01:05:25.200 stuff.

01:05:25.700 Yeah.

01:05:26.260 Final cut.

01:05:27.360 Yeah.

01:05:27.840 Actually.

01:05:28.200 No, I did premiere pro.

01:05:29.800 That was my main one.

01:05:31.340 Yeah.

01:05:32.120 That means you're destined for people that did premiere.

01:05:35.000 Yeah.

01:05:35.280 You're set.

01:05:36.600 It's us final cut hags that not quite the same.

01:05:41.200 Never quite get there.

01:05:41.980 I even, even though when I did a lot of my journalism stuff, like I just felt there were

01:05:48.640 certain things that happened and I was like, maybe this isn't the path.

01:05:52.240 Cause I felt like I was a little too silly because sometimes my teachers would get annoyed

01:05:57.580 with me and I was like, my bad.

01:05:59.740 Thought we were having fun. 0.93

01:06:00.640 I was being too silly. 0.98

01:06:01.500 I was, I got a little too silly. 0.86

01:06:02.960 Sorry, gang. 0.94

01:06:03.720 I was getting too silly.

01:06:04.980 Sorry about that. 0.97

01:06:05.920 I had a case of the silly. 0.59

01:06:08.340 Back to you. 0.98

01:06:09.200 Back to you on the football field.

01:06:12.920 Yeah.

01:06:13.440 So sorry.

01:06:14.220 Yeah.

01:06:14.540 One time I, um, one of my professors, she, uh, told me like that I should try less hard

01:06:21.540 on the story and try to focus more on just being pretty.

01:06:24.860 Oh, that's great advice.

01:06:26.100 So life advice.

01:06:27.140 Yeah.

01:06:27.200 That was a teacher.

01:06:27.920 You said?

01:06:28.240 Yeah.

01:06:28.380 That was my professor.

01:06:29.140 Yeah.

01:06:29.820 Oh my God.

01:06:30.560 Yeah.

01:06:30.880 She was like, you should just try to lean into being pretty. 1.00

01:06:33.140 Cause that's going to take you further.

01:06:34.620 I'm like, Oh, where'd you think?

01:06:36.000 You think so?

01:06:39.900 Okay.

01:06:40.400 Well, don't know what to do with that nugget.

01:06:42.740 I guess I'll hold onto it.

01:06:43.980 Oh God.

01:06:44.760 When you hear something funny though, years later, now I do this, have this show.

01:06:48.300 She like reached out to me and asked me to talk to my old class.

01:06:52.200 And she was like, I feel like you give them a lot of good tips.

01:06:54.320 And you should show up so haggard. 0.99

01:06:57.780 Covered in trash. 0.99

01:06:59.140 I was like, whatever you do, don't be pretty. 0.75

01:07:03.380 Yeah.

01:07:08.860 Yeah.

01:07:10.740 Wow.

01:07:11.260 Did you respond? 1.00

01:07:12.120 Or were you just like, fuck you? 1.00

01:07:14.560 Well, she honestly was playing God with me. 1.00

01:07:16.700 Cause she was holding my degree in her hands.

01:07:18.780 I was like the last class I needed to pass.

01:07:20.980 So there was nothing I could do.

01:07:22.740 So I was just like, it's actually no worries at all.

01:07:25.720 Yeah.

01:07:26.200 I'm going to take that.

01:07:27.700 I'm going to use it where I can.

01:07:29.760 Yeah.

01:07:30.260 Yeah.

01:07:30.520 She tried, she tried really hard to make me like quit that class. 0.99

01:07:34.820 And I was like a, a stubborn fucking Virgo. 0.99

01:07:38.360 I was like, I'm leaving here with that journalism degree one way or another. 0.99

01:07:42.900 Yeah.

01:07:43.340 If I have to hold one of you at gunpoint, so be it.

01:07:47.480 It's good to threaten gun violence on professors. 1.00

01:07:49.980 Works for me.

01:07:50.660 Yeah.

01:07:51.920 Hasn't caught up to me yet.

01:07:53.180 No, and it won't.

01:07:54.880 I just, that's why I keep moving.

01:07:56.180 Yeah.

01:07:56.460 Yeah.

01:07:56.660 Yeah.

01:07:56.940 Changing names, aliases.

01:07:58.360 Yeah.

01:07:58.560 Professors are chill.

01:07:59.440 Like, you know, they sit on desks.

01:08:03.080 They don't, you can call them by their first name. 0.99

01:08:06.120 You can pull a gun on them. 0.99

01:08:08.320 It's totally chill. 0.99

01:08:08.860 They're so chill about it.

01:08:10.280 Yeah.

01:08:10.400 You get coffee with them.

01:08:12.020 It's totally chill.

01:08:13.120 Did you do comedy in college?

01:08:14.500 Mm-hmm.

01:08:15.420 Were you a big theater kid?

01:08:17.300 I think, my friends and I were like the theater outcasts because we, it was like a very serious 0.99

01:08:21.440 theater program and they were like, fuck, you guys are not being, yeah. 0.99

01:08:25.400 Yeah. 1.00

01:08:25.780 Sums up with you guys.

01:08:26.800 So, we were in a sketch comedy group.

01:08:28.820 Oh, cute.

01:08:29.380 And we made videos.

01:08:31.000 Love.

01:08:31.140 Is that how you got into, like, stand-up itself?

01:08:33.700 I was doing stand-up in high school.

01:08:34.860 I started stand-up in high school.

01:08:36.140 Oh, love.

01:08:36.860 Yeah.

01:08:37.280 And, and videos.

01:08:38.200 Yeah.

01:08:38.340 It was always videos and stand-up.

01:08:39.800 Oh, like sketches.

01:08:40.900 Yeah.

01:08:41.320 Obviously, right?

01:08:41.880 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:08:42.760 That's really cool.

01:08:43.620 Yeah.

01:08:43.820 I'm like, and you said you moved to New York to pursue stand-up.

01:08:47.780 Well, I went to school in New York upstate and then in the summer I would go there to

01:08:51.400 work at the Ann Taylor Loft, even though I thought I would try to, I would be like,

01:08:55.240 I'm going to do stand-up, but no, I'm just going to work at the loft.

01:08:57.520 Oh, nice.

01:08:58.300 Yeah.

01:08:59.260 Which I'm glad.

01:09:00.220 Yeah.

01:09:01.320 When did you feel like you were really, like, really starting to hit your stride in stand-up?

01:09:08.320 Probably, honestly, recently.

01:09:09.980 You think?

01:09:10.320 Yeah, it takes a while, yeah.

01:09:11.860 I know, there's, like, moments where you're like, oh.

01:09:13.760 I was going to say.

01:09:14.560 It's like, no, it's like.

01:09:15.740 It's a slow build.

01:09:16.940 Yeah.

01:09:17.100 Or it's, like, a slow burn kind of thing.

01:09:18.320 I felt really good right out of the gate, honestly.

01:09:20.440 Yeah, I, like, loved doing it.

01:09:21.780 Yeah, and I was, yeah, and I was, yeah, I had an affinity for it when I was young and

01:09:27.080 then I was like, and then it got harder for a little while and then it gets easier.

01:09:30.620 It's like, you have a, you'll see this.

01:09:33.020 It's real up and down.

01:09:33.080 You've got, like, a crazy relationship with it.

01:09:34.880 Yeah, I can only imagine.

01:09:35.980 Where you think, right when you think you've kind of cracked it.

01:09:38.180 Totally.

01:09:38.500 You just are, like, sometimes you're on stage and you're like, wait, what's funny about

01:09:41.980 me again?

01:09:43.120 And you're like, is this humor in any culture?

01:09:47.900 Yeah, it's crazy. 0.97

01:09:49.000 Well, that's what, like, just before we keep being fucking silly, I do want to tell you 0.97

01:09:54.040 I truly love your stand-up. 0.98

01:09:55.820 I think you're so fucking funny. 0.92

01:09:57.140 Oh, thank you. 0.94

01:09:57.500 Obviously.

01:09:58.180 Thank you. 0.99

01:09:58.620 I've been cackling this whole fucking time. 0.98

01:10:00.760 But I truly, genuinely think you are so funny. 0.98

01:10:03.520 And comics like you are my favorite kind.

01:10:06.340 Because it's, like, it's the most, like, niche, like.

01:10:10.600 Yeah, yeah. 0.91

01:10:11.120 The nichest takes on things I find so fucking funny. 0.59

01:10:14.920 Oh, yeah. 0.64

01:10:15.320 And obviously, I'm not going to tell your jokes on here that I saw, from your set that

01:10:18.180 I saw.

01:10:18.680 But that.

01:10:19.360 Oh, you can tell them whenever you want. 1.00

01:10:20.480 The shit that you said. 1.00

01:10:21.840 Dude, we were fucking. 1.00

01:10:23.640 We laughed the whole way home. 1.00

01:10:25.100 We were talking about your set the whole way home.

01:10:26.420 Oh, that's so great. 1.00

01:10:27.520 Like, fuck. 1.00

01:10:27.940 It was Caleb's show, but fuck him. 1.00

01:10:29.440 So we were talking about Chris the whole way home. 1.00

01:10:31.560 Well, he's an abuser, so.

01:10:37.840 Yeah, well, that's what happens when you are part of the insurrection, so.

01:10:41.240 That's right.

01:10:41.700 Yeah.

01:10:42.240 No, absolutely.

01:10:42.820 Naturally.

01:10:43.200 When you are in charge of it.

01:10:46.660 He's working from home.

01:10:47.980 Yeah.

01:10:48.440 That's his work from home, was the insurrection.

01:10:50.580 In Kansas City, yeah.

01:10:51.520 Yeah.

01:10:52.040 Oh, thank you, dude.

01:10:52.800 That's very sweet.

01:10:53.540 And I told you that.

01:10:54.380 You were fantastic.

01:10:55.200 And that was your first time doing that.

01:10:56.840 Yeah, my very first time.

01:10:57.860 That's insane.

01:10:58.880 Oh, thank you.

01:10:59.860 Yeah, it was so funny.

01:11:01.260 Thank you.

01:11:02.040 Thank you. 0.83

01:11:02.520 I was like, I was telling Chris, when I did my first five literally ever, I was fucking 0.84

01:11:07.640 terrified. 0.94

01:11:08.540 You didn't see me, no.

01:11:09.580 Oh, thank you.

01:11:10.440 I'm never, I'm really never, like, nervous about work stuff.

01:11:14.340 And I, sometimes people are like, you're not nervous about this or whatever.

01:11:17.240 And I'm like, no, because I don't know why.

01:11:19.880 I just, I'm like, eh, it's fine.

01:11:21.540 Yeah.

01:11:21.760 Especially when I, because I've done, like, carpets and stuff.

01:11:23.980 So I worked the Oscars last year and a lot of people were asking me if I was super nervous.

01:11:28.380 I was like, nah.

01:11:29.420 Wow.

01:11:30.300 And I was like, because famous people, I feel like you, you would know this too, but like,

01:11:35.040 they're like, they're super normal.

01:11:37.900 And honestly, a lot of them, really weird.

01:11:40.720 You know what I mean?

01:11:42.300 Like, they're weird.

01:11:43.740 Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:11:44.900 Because we're all theater geeks at the end of the day.

01:11:46.940 Actors are, yeah.

01:11:47.920 They're weird.

01:11:48.860 Something's up.

01:11:50.140 What's going on?

01:11:51.280 You know?

01:11:52.040 Yeah.

01:11:53.060 Something's off.

01:11:53.800 They spend a lot, a lot of time in the parking lot of Scientology buildings.

01:11:56.700 But that would make me nervous.

01:11:58.200 But that makes you not nervous.

01:11:59.600 Yeah, no.

01:12:00.480 I'm just kind of like, well.

01:12:02.160 Yeah.

01:12:02.840 Just another guy.

01:12:05.140 That's what I always think.

01:12:06.180 Another person.

01:12:06.840 You ever talk to an actor, you're like, are you going to cry right now?

01:12:09.980 Like, within seconds, you're like, are you?

01:12:12.640 Because it's like, the recall's there, and like, their face just is so expressive, and

01:12:16.900 you're like, yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

01:12:18.940 I'm just saying hi.

01:12:20.460 Yeah, I have talked to actors where I was kind of like, like, doing my best to not say

01:12:27.080 anything.

01:12:28.060 Like, Jamie Lee Curtis, when I interviewed her at the Oscars, she was wonderful.

01:12:31.620 But she takes very measured pauses before she answers.

01:12:35.120 So like, when I would, I asked her a question, and she was like, yeah, she's on a Palm Pilot

01:12:40.780 with her publicist.

01:12:42.160 She was literally like, for like, what felt like 20 minutes.

01:12:46.640 But it was like, and I was like, I thought maybe I offended her or something.

01:12:50.140 And she goes, that's a great question.

01:12:52.660 And then she paused again.

01:12:55.720 And then she started talking.

01:12:57.460 And I was like, whoo.

01:12:58.900 I found you can do that in written, when you're being interviewed in press.

01:13:03.100 Yeah.

01:13:03.340 They're not going to be like, long ellipses, you know.

01:13:06.140 But on video, you probably shouldn't be.

01:13:07.880 Going to la la man.

01:13:10.960 It's one of those, like, even, there was one girl I talked to.

01:13:13.720 She wasn't an actor or anything.

01:13:14.860 She worked, like, in the industry.

01:13:17.200 And she would do this thing where every time she would ask me a question, and I would answer

01:13:20.900 it.

01:13:21.280 And then she would look at me like this.

01:13:24.800 And then I would be like, you know.

01:13:26.640 Like a nutcracker?

01:13:27.740 Yeah.

01:13:28.940 Like a jack-o'-lantern.

01:13:30.100 Yeah.

01:13:30.280 Yeah, like, she would just stare at me with her mouth open, and then I would feel the

01:13:34.860 need to keep talking to fill the space.

01:13:37.120 That's how you started admitting the crimes you didn't even commit.

01:13:39.520 Yeah.

01:13:40.480 That's a dangerous person.

01:13:41.920 I started just confessing all my sins.

01:13:43.500 Yeah.

01:13:44.260 I hit him, and I kept going.

01:13:46.440 I couldn't stop myself.

01:13:47.680 I'm sorry.

01:13:49.140 I was scared.

01:13:51.400 And then I would keep talking, and I'd be like, you know, because she was like, no,

01:13:56.140 I know.

01:13:56.380 I understand.

01:13:57.780 And I'd be like, oh, okay.

01:13:59.440 Oh.

01:13:59.700 Well, this is a really taxing conversation to have, so I'm going to move on.

01:14:03.660 But it was great to talk to you.

01:14:05.000 Do you blush when that happens?

01:14:06.580 No.

01:14:07.040 I feel like I just keep talking, which is annoying.

01:14:09.600 Like, I could talk for like 30 minutes by myself.

01:14:12.780 Filibuster.

01:14:13.660 Easily.

01:14:14.260 Yeah.

01:14:14.520 That's brilliant.

01:14:15.040 That's brilliant.

01:14:15.320 That's easy money.

01:14:16.300 Oh, man.

01:14:16.940 If that was a job, and they could source me, I would make a killing.

01:14:22.320 I'd just go up there and talk about anything for 45 minutes.

01:14:25.840 Sometimes when I work with people, they're like, oh, you just kind of need to vamp for

01:14:28.860 like two minutes.

01:14:29.520 I was like, locked in.

01:14:30.340 Let's go. 0.99

01:14:31.220 Fucking let's go. 1.00

01:14:31.880 You're going to have to tell me to shut the fuck up if I'm being honest. 1.00

01:14:34.440 Like, I can't stop talking. 0.99

01:14:36.240 I'm the opposite.

01:14:36.880 I don't really talk that much.

01:14:37.920 No.

01:14:38.400 I didn't talk until I was three, and they thought like something was seriously awry.

01:14:42.180 And they took me to doctors, and my sister would answer the questions for me.

01:14:44.780 Like, they were just like curious.

01:14:46.440 Like, they were journalists.

01:14:48.520 What's your favorite color?

01:14:49.820 He loves purple, right?

01:14:52.100 Like, it was a New Yorker profile.

01:14:56.140 But no, I don't.

01:14:58.080 I'm trying to imagine.

01:14:59.200 Like, it must be nice to just.

01:15:00.840 Like, you know, I got my blood drawn recently for this thing.

01:15:03.860 And I was like, to not freak out, I would just, I would start running my mouth.

01:15:08.040 Yeah.

01:15:08.820 And it was quite soothing.

01:15:10.060 And it worked.

01:15:10.580 Maybe I should do it more.

01:15:11.460 Yeah.

01:15:11.740 Maybe that will help with your anxiety.

01:15:13.160 Just free associate.

01:15:14.660 I was asking. 1.00

01:15:16.380 Start fucking yapping. 1.00

01:15:17.040 I was like small talking in a way. 1.00

01:15:18.160 I was like, what time did you get to work today?

01:15:21.180 Like a cop.

01:15:23.000 What time did you show up? 1.00

01:15:24.040 Are you a fucking cop? 1.00

01:15:24.840 Where were you before? 1.00

01:15:27.240 Can anyone verify that information?

01:15:29.060 Yeah.

01:15:30.680 Do you have his information?

01:15:32.200 I'd love to see what he says, if you were there or not.

01:15:36.120 I was like saying stuff like, oh, it must be crazy to get here at six when it's still dark out.

01:15:40.400 And I'm like, I would never say that.

01:15:43.800 I'm just like, really panicky.

01:15:46.440 My boyfriend is like you.

01:15:49.080 Like, he hates small talking.

01:15:51.560 He doesn't want to do it if he doesn't have to.

01:15:53.600 Yeah.

01:15:54.240 And the first time I took him to get his hair done by my hair girl.

01:15:58.520 Mm-hmm.

01:15:59.140 I saw your hair girl chained up out there. 1.00

01:16:02.680 That's besides the point.

01:16:04.060 It's unrelated to this.

01:16:04.940 She said, please free me.

01:16:07.300 To a radiator.

01:16:08.240 And scissors taped to her hand. 1.00

01:16:13.780 All her limbs are replaced by scissors. 0.53

01:16:15.460 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:16:16.900 Like a Saw movie.

01:16:17.860 Yeah, her toes.

01:16:21.020 When I took her there, took him there to get his hair done, I sat in there, too, but like next to him in the chair.

01:16:28.720 When we left, I was like, well, how do you feel?

01:16:30.600 Do you like it?

01:16:31.080 He's like, yeah.

01:16:32.720 I just didn't know there was going to be that much talking.

01:16:35.640 Oh, yeah.

01:16:36.460 And I was like.

01:16:37.440 Oh, no.

01:16:37.780 That's all it is.

01:16:38.980 It's an hour talk.

01:16:40.040 And if your hair is long, because he has an undercut, so like he'll go.

01:16:43.000 He has a barber.

01:16:44.180 An under?

01:16:44.540 Like an underbite?

01:16:45.320 What's an undercut?

01:16:46.260 Undercut.

01:16:47.440 It's like underneath here.

01:16:49.100 Like if you have it shaved underneath, but your hair is long.

01:16:51.380 Oh.

01:16:51.820 You know what I mean?

01:16:52.260 So it's a little surprise for.

01:16:53.680 Yeah.

01:16:53.940 It's a little peekaboo.

01:16:54.800 Whoever pulls it up.

01:16:55.360 It's a little like peep toe.

01:16:56.740 It's a little just between us.

01:16:58.900 Yeah.

01:17:01.380 It's intimacy.

01:17:02.360 Yeah.

01:17:02.660 When you see it.

01:17:03.380 Yeah.

01:17:03.520 Mm-hmm.

01:17:04.080 Cool.

01:17:04.580 And he was like, I didn't know there was going to be that much talking.

01:17:08.320 And I was like, yeah, because obviously when you go to a salon and you get your hair dyed or whatever, it's like hours.

01:17:13.280 Like it's like four or five hours.

01:17:15.000 I think that hair people are like their level of conversation.

01:17:18.880 It's like PhD in conversation.

01:17:20.040 Yeah, because they've done 10,000 hours.

01:17:21.160 They have.

01:17:21.720 I've never had such wild conversations and with hair people.

01:17:25.000 Yeah.

01:17:25.440 They can talk forever.

01:17:26.880 It's incredible.

01:17:27.600 It's a skill.

01:17:28.800 And he was like, I never want to do that.

01:17:31.940 Like the way he was immediately like, I can't do that.

01:17:34.560 Yeah.

01:17:34.840 Yeah.

01:17:35.100 It was just like, it's not worth it to him.

01:17:37.560 It's a big four-step conversation.

01:17:39.960 Yeah.

01:17:40.360 And I was like, yeah, I mean, I can do it. 0.98

01:17:43.080 Like obviously, obviously fucking look at me. 0.98

01:17:45.760 I prefer at home. 0.99

01:17:46.860 I love when someone, you know, like punks who cut their own hair.

01:17:50.460 And it looks awesome.

01:17:52.120 Yeah.

01:17:52.640 I just could never, but I wish I could.

01:17:55.440 Yeah.

01:17:56.080 If I could do literally everything at home, I would.

01:17:59.420 Like every grooming, anything or other.

01:18:01.600 Have you ever tried?

01:18:02.620 Cutting my own hair.

01:18:04.080 I cut my, I did cut my widow's peak once because I hated it.

01:18:07.660 And then lived to regret that decision for like at least five years.

01:18:11.420 Five years.

01:18:12.180 Yeah.

01:18:12.640 Like, because it took forever to grow back.

01:18:15.980 Like, and my whole goal was to get rid of it.

01:18:18.760 Turns out cutting it.

01:18:20.280 Enhanced it.

01:18:20.880 And almost.

01:18:21.540 Yeah.

01:18:21.800 It made it stronger.

01:18:22.580 It draws attention to it almost immediately.

01:18:24.960 Mm-hmm.

01:18:25.400 And I honestly believe it.

01:18:26.480 Sounds like an Aesop's fable.

01:18:28.920 It's really a Greek tragedy is what it is.

01:18:31.300 Yeah.

01:18:31.420 Yeah.

01:18:31.500 But it's a valuable lesson.

01:18:32.780 Yeah.

01:18:33.140 It almost like got darker and went deeper on my forehead like Eddie Munster.

01:18:37.800 I was like, okay, well, I definitely didn't have that before and now it's even worse.

01:18:41.300 And it's funny because I tried to lie to my mom and say I didn't do it because she was

01:18:44.620 like, did you cut your hair?

01:18:45.860 Yeah.

01:18:46.160 And I was like, no.

01:18:46.780 Mind you, like my widow's peak obviously is right here.

01:18:49.220 It was like all buzzed like right here.

01:18:52.160 Like it's.

01:18:52.460 Oh, like a fryer tuck?

01:18:53.300 Yeah.

01:18:53.540 Like I literally cut it and then tried to shave it with a razor.

01:18:56.540 I'm not kidding.

01:18:57.620 And then it's like.

01:18:58.320 Like a crop circle?

01:18:59.420 Yeah.

01:19:00.360 Yeah.

01:19:00.880 Literally like the avatar like.

01:19:03.140 Arrow on his head. 0.99

01:19:04.240 Like that was my fucking widow's peak. 1.00

01:19:06.220 Where they charge themselves. 1.00

01:19:09.800 At Whole Foods.

01:19:10.680 Where they plug in.

01:19:11.600 Yeah.

01:19:12.000 Yeah.

01:19:12.340 Yeah.

01:19:12.700 And my mom was like, you didn't cut that.

01:19:14.580 And I was like, no, it's buzzed.

01:19:16.480 It's literally gray.

01:19:17.740 It has like five o'clock shadow because I just shaved it recently.

01:19:21.440 And she was like, okay.

01:19:23.440 Like she was kind of buying into my lie a little bit just to see if I would tell her on my own.

01:19:27.540 You could say you got stuck in a fence or something.

01:19:29.320 You know, like.

01:19:30.900 My mom knew I wasn't sticking my head in.

01:19:32.380 I took a little too long in the bathroom and I came out with a new haircut.

01:19:37.760 She knew.

01:19:38.300 That's the only time I've ever like cut my own hair.

01:19:40.660 Learned my lesson.

01:19:41.620 You learned.

01:19:42.080 I did it once too.

01:19:42.920 And I looked like.

01:19:43.620 Remember when Mary Martin played Peter Pan?

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01:20:50.000 Okay.

01:20:50.880 Holding for sirens.

01:20:53.120 Do you know what I'm talking about?

01:20:54.820 I think so.

01:20:54.980 It was like the worst quality video I've ever seen in my life.

01:20:57.640 It was like everyone was watching in the 90s.

01:21:00.620 It was Mary Martin in a live thing of Peter Pan.

01:21:03.760 And that's exactly what I look like when I cut my hair.

01:21:07.320 And did your family have any thoughts?

01:21:09.960 They were just like, oh, that's Chris.

01:21:11.560 Yeah. 1.00

01:21:12.020 Oh, Chris is up to his usual bullshit. 1.00

01:21:14.100 Yeah. 1.00

01:21:14.860 My family, they go, oh.

01:21:16.600 You know, it's a lot of that.

01:21:17.580 My dad, whenever I see him, whatever I'm wearing, and I land down in Boston, he sees me and goes, oh, Jesus.

01:21:25.340 And my mom inspects me like a rental car.

01:21:27.280 You know, like looking for dents and stuff.

01:21:28.940 Well, my dad's just like, oh, Christ, Chris.

01:21:31.440 Gets worse every time.

01:21:32.600 What do you, oh, my God, that jacket, Chris.

01:21:35.220 But there's like glee, you know.

01:21:37.340 Yeah.

01:21:38.100 Everything you tell me about your childhood, it sounds like you were found in a forest or something.

01:21:43.900 They just decided to raise you.

01:21:46.140 Who's this freegan? 0.98

01:21:47.180 Yeah.

01:21:47.740 Yeah.

01:21:48.060 I feel like I have a.

01:21:49.020 Look at this freegan child. 0.99

01:21:50.120 A little forest boy that doesn't speak English.

01:21:52.340 I did grow up in a very rural, surprisingly rural.

01:21:55.340 People, when they would visit from college and stuff, every single person would get lost.

01:22:00.380 Like my neighborhood, there's no streetlights.

01:22:01.920 It's like a triangle kind of thing.

01:22:03.660 What?

01:22:04.220 I didn't realize.

01:22:05.120 Like one time an Uber driver was like, I don't like this.

01:22:09.280 Well, with you sitting in the back and you're all, I'd be a little nervy too.

01:22:12.560 I am doing this.

01:22:13.340 I'm doing this.

01:22:14.620 I'm going, hmm.

01:22:19.240 Real Jeffrey Dahmer situation.

01:22:21.160 I get a little spooked.

01:22:23.020 Between you and me, I may or may not have sent in a self-tape for that.

01:22:27.580 Did you really?

01:22:28.400 We'll talk about that off.

01:22:29.240 Yeah.

01:22:29.460 Okay.

01:22:30.820 I would agree with you.

01:22:31.420 Yeah.

01:22:31.900 They requested.

01:22:33.120 Actually, I think several comedians were in the running.

01:22:36.480 Really?

01:22:36.980 Mm-hmm.

01:22:38.100 That's a little frightening.

01:22:39.120 I mean, it was obviously going to go to Peter's.

01:22:41.480 Yeah.

01:22:42.420 Well, yeah.

01:22:43.340 I think they were just looking for a laugh, you know?

01:22:46.300 Yeah.

01:22:46.820 You're like, oh, so you don't want an actual creepo. 0.99

01:22:49.580 You want one that people want to have sex with. 1.00

01:22:51.740 Oh. 1.00

01:22:53.200 Right.

01:22:53.920 Yeah.

01:22:54.420 Yeah.

01:22:55.560 Why did they need to do that?

01:22:57.540 Why did they need to make the Jeffrey Dahmer movie?

01:23:00.700 For the 20th time?

01:23:02.040 I don't know.

01:23:02.600 Yeah.

01:23:02.960 I really don't.

01:23:03.880 It's not really fun.

01:23:04.700 I think we got it.

01:23:05.580 Yeah.

01:23:06.000 I think we got it.

01:23:06.760 Yeah.

01:23:06.940 You shouldn't have done those things.

01:23:08.060 Yeah.

01:23:08.420 We got it.

01:23:09.160 Yeah.

01:23:09.420 We know all about him.

01:23:10.440 I don't even know anymore.

01:23:11.360 I'm good.

01:23:12.020 No.

01:23:12.200 Yeah.

01:23:12.860 No.

01:23:13.640 I saw this documentary once.

01:23:15.820 It was this British guy, and he goes to the scariest places in the world. 1.00

01:23:21.420 Nice.

01:23:21.720 And so the first episode, he goes to the Suicide Force in Japan.

01:23:25.480 Oh, yeah.

01:23:26.260 And then the next one, he goes to this abandoned prison in South America.

01:23:31.320 There's one where he goes to Jeffrey Dahmer's.

01:23:34.780 This isn't Logan Paul you're talking about.

01:23:38.160 Oh, no.

01:23:38.880 It's not.

01:23:39.720 He went to Dahmer's.

01:23:40.220 Oh, that's something else.

01:23:41.300 Yeah.

01:23:41.520 He went to Dahmer's, the bar in Milwaukee or whatever.

01:23:44.120 Yeah.

01:23:44.520 Like, he went to, like, the apartment.

01:23:47.060 He did, like, the ghost tour.

01:23:48.980 Oh, God.

01:23:49.660 He, like, met, like, a fan of his.

01:23:51.960 Like, it was.

01:23:52.800 A fan of Dahmer's?

01:23:54.260 Oh, yeah.

01:23:54.800 He has so many.

01:23:55.860 Of course.

01:23:56.280 Of course.

01:23:56.580 Like, weird, like, culty fans, and, like, he goes and he spends time with her.

01:24:00.140 It's crazy.

01:24:01.260 When I watched it.

01:24:01.900 Those people should probably not be allowed to be fans.

01:24:04.200 Or we need to.

01:24:05.200 Or, like, outside.

01:24:05.820 Keep an eye on them.

01:24:06.700 Yeah.

01:24:07.280 Yeah.

01:24:07.540 Or, like, amongst other people.

01:24:09.360 That's right.

01:24:09.780 That's right.

01:24:10.260 I wouldn't.

01:24:11.120 I wouldn't.

01:24:12.060 I mean, they let us be out amongst other people, so.

01:24:14.280 Yeah.

01:24:15.020 Well, we talked about literally just a bunch of nonsense the whole time.

01:24:19.840 Had a blast.

01:24:20.480 The amount of maxi pads in the bathrooms here, I would describe as alt-left. 1.00

01:24:26.580 Fucking liberals. 1.00

01:24:29.180 These liberal snowflakes putting pads in every bathroom. 1.00

01:24:32.740 It's the amount.

01:24:33.620 It's Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve.

01:24:36.000 That has nothing to do with pads.

01:24:40.940 I would love to ask you a serious question.

01:24:43.720 Sure.

01:24:44.320 Sure.

01:24:45.740 Because I genuinely, like I said earlier, I love your comedy. 0.97

01:24:49.520 I think you're so fucking talented. 0.89

01:24:51.100 So funny. 0.59

01:24:52.080 I would love to know if you have any advice for any aspiring stand-up comics.

01:24:56.820 Oh.

01:24:57.240 Yeah.

01:24:57.820 I mean, yeah, just to do it as often as you can.

01:25:01.200 Totally.

01:25:01.760 And to have a, you know.

01:25:05.260 Oh, and you know what?

01:25:06.200 I wish that someone had told me to not be afraid of doing new material more.

01:25:09.280 I kind of started truly in, like, the Johnny Carson model of, like, have a good five to seven.

01:25:14.040 Yeah.

01:25:14.320 And so, like, there's this thing of trying new, like, if it's, like, a Friday or Saturday night, like, at the club, like, make sure you're going to kill.

01:25:22.300 Like, you never know what I'm going to kill.

01:25:23.260 Yeah.

01:25:23.620 But then you get stuck in these, like, ruts of just doing the same material.

01:25:27.080 So, like, I would say always be pushing yourself to try new stuff.

01:25:33.420 Totally.

01:25:34.140 Obviously, always be listening not just to the crowd but to yourself and what feels good.

01:25:39.260 And, yeah, just do it as often as you can.

01:25:42.580 Period.

01:25:43.160 Love that.

01:25:43.820 And also, please, everyone, go watch Chris do stand-up. 0.97

01:25:47.660 And you have a special currently on the cock. 0.68

01:25:51.180 Peacock. 0.98

01:25:53.380 Which is fitting.

01:25:54.640 I don't know why I got so shocked.

01:25:57.340 Wow. 0.99

01:26:00.340 I think that's how you locked eyes with me when you said the cock. 0.99

01:26:04.080 It's important. 0.97

01:26:04.820 It's important to make eye contact in those moments so you feel safe with me.

01:26:09.160 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:26:10.940 Completely.

01:26:12.040 Completely.

01:26:12.440 But thank you so much for coming on the show.

01:26:15.140 Thank you so much for having me on the show. 0.93

01:26:15.640 I think you're so fucking funny. 0.95

01:26:17.220 I think you're so fucking funny. 0.98

01:26:18.320 Honored to have had you as a guest. 0.91

01:26:21.220 And where can everybody find you?

01:26:22.820 You can find me on WeBuyUglyHouses.com and Joe Biden's TikTok.

01:26:33.620 And make sure you all go watch Chris Fleming's stand-up on Peacock.

01:26:37.440 It's on there right now.

01:26:39.140 Yeah, as we speak.

01:26:39.820 Make sure you follow Chris on Instagram.

01:26:42.460 Oh, yeah.

01:26:42.960 Let's do Instagram.

01:26:43.860 Yeah, Instagram.

01:26:44.700 Let's do Instagram.

01:26:45.520 Follow Drew on Instagram.

01:26:48.280 Go ahead and comment down below.

01:26:49.880 Get out of your Spotify app.

01:26:51.480 Yeah.

01:26:52.840 Right now, pause.

01:26:53.300 That's using so much data, I'm sure, on your phone.

01:26:55.740 I'm sure they don't have it worked out yet.

01:26:57.380 The video.

01:26:57.840 I'm sure it's like, I'm sure your phone is piping hot if you've watched all.

01:27:03.900 Like an engine.

01:27:04.940 Yeah.

01:27:06.620 Go for, that's a way to go from 100 to 0% watch one of these episodes on Spotify, right?

01:27:10.960 Yeah, absolutely.

01:27:11.960 Yeah.

01:27:12.180 Get a new phone.

01:27:12.880 It's like playing The Sims on a laptop.

01:27:14.520 It's just a nightmare.

01:27:15.760 Yeah.

01:27:16.780 Yeah.

01:27:17.100 Thank you so much for coming on the show.

01:27:18.940 Thanks so much for having me.

01:27:19.700 Thank you all for tuning in.

01:27:21.240 Make sure y'all go follow Chris on Instagram and watch all the things that he does, whether

01:27:26.560 it's his stand-up live or his special on Peacock.

01:27:29.380 And thank you so much for tuning in to this episode of the comment section.

01:27:31.760 Don't forget, new episodes drop every Wednesday, or you can watch the video for free and exclusively

01:27:36.380 on our favorite app, Spotify, that Chris has a really big problem with when it comes

01:27:40.960 to the video.

01:27:42.900 I'm just, I'm a conservationist.

01:27:45.280 A minimalist.

01:27:48.280 Yeah.

01:27:48.720 Yeah.

01:27:49.120 An app minimalist.

01:27:50.080 I don't like, I fear change.

01:27:52.120 That means he's 100, so.

01:27:53.620 Mm-hmm.

01:27:54.040 As you heard.

01:27:54.820 Mm-hmm.

01:27:55.100 Yeah.

01:27:57.120 Thank you guys for tuning in.

01:27:58.260 I'll see you next week.

01:27:59.020 Bye.

01:27:59.260 Bye.

01:27:59.280 Bye.

01:27:59.580 Bye.

01:27:59.840 Bye.

01:27:59.880 Bye.

01:27:59.920 Bye.

01:28:01.340 Bye.

01:28:01.780 Bye.

01:28:01.920 Bye.

01:28:03.780 Bye.

01:28:03.840 Bye.

01:28:03.920 Bye.

01:28:04.340 Bye.

01:28:04.400 Bye.

01:28:05.900 Bye.

01:28:05.920 Bye.

01:28:05.940 Bye.

01:28:06.400 Bye.

01:28:06.940 Bye.

01:28:07.400 Bye.

01:28:07.900 Bye.

01:28:08.000 Bye.

01:28:08.900 Bye.

01:28:08.940 Bye.

01:28:09.900 Bye.

01:28:10.000 Bye.

01:28:10.900 Bye.

01:28:11.000 Bye.

01:28:11.900 Bye.

01:28:11.940 Bye.

01:28:12.940 Bye.

The Comment Section with Drew Afualo - May 01, 2024

ACCOUNTABILABUDDIES Ft. Chris Fleming

Episode Stats

Summary

Transcript