The Comment Section with Drew Afualo - COMMENT SECTION： ALL STARS Ft. Brittany Broski and Caleb Hearon

00:00:00.000 Hey everyone! This is Jerof Wallow, the host of the comment section, and before we get into this

00:00:05.540 week's very fun, very special, very awesome episode, I want everyone here to give Rockstar

00:00:11.540 Energy Drink a big thank you, Rockstar Energy Drink, for being the sponsor of this week's episode.

00:00:18.520 Specifically, Rockstar Energy Drink's new Rockstar Focus. And I want to tell all of y'all that it was

00:00:24.640 truly faked that this episode came together, and I'm so incredibly thankful for my two very funny

00:00:29.900 very hilarious very annoying guests thank you so much rockstar energy drink for being the best i

00:00:34.160 love you so much enjoy the episode bye i said cooper what clone do you wear and he said oh

00:00:38.820 i don't it's just like i don't know my mom gets it for me and i and i go i go oh yeah but like

00:00:42.740 what is and he goes he goes i really don't know my mom gets it for me every time i get a chance

00:00:47.260 being like cooper do you even know like what the bottle is but i'm trying to play it cool

00:00:55.160 and he's like oh yeah i don't remember man and like literally i'm being so persistent because

00:01:00.040 i think i'm being coy you know and then finally i go i need to know what clone you are 0.99

00:01:05.440 and you're gonna fuck you tell me now and he goes he goes if i tell you will you just stop 0.99

00:01:10.900 talking to me and i and i go can i go and i go yeah hey everyone and welcome back to another 1.00

00:01:21.980 episode of the comment section show starring me your fave everybody knows me who gives a 0.56

00:01:25.760 fuck about me today i have an unbelievably requested episode and by requesting i mean 0.64

00:01:31.460 like from me only it's brittie roski and caleb harron cheers hey cheers for real cheers to a 0.99

00:01:40.040 damn good time hey can i make a toast i wish you let's now here's to the knights will never remember

00:01:46.840 with the people we'll never forget cheers to y'all cheers to y'all 0.98

00:01:53.580 uh-oh cunting 0.99

00:01:57.520 i fear she cunted 0.99

00:02:00.360 say the one you said before we started it's time to cunt say the one you said before we started 0.99

00:02:07.240 what did i say you said it was a jfk reference oh i said uh she shot the mother bullet that 0.99

00:02:18.520 killed john f cunton yeah don't you wanna my favorite movie my favorite goodwill cunton 0.99

00:02:26.260 i just started changing all of the breakfast cunt 0.98

00:02:30.340 anyways welcome back to the show my very first repeats hey second time so and you know who 0.87

00:02:40.560 we're missing leo gonzalez yeah are you honey he's banned from the building we forgot about him

00:02:46.020 yeah i saw his picture up around the security booths and they said don't let this man in yeah

00:02:50.400 it said wanted shoplifter yeah he was stealing from the studio i'm sure he was i can't prove it

00:02:57.000 but I still told them

00:02:58.740 to hang up the signs

00:02:59.440 regardless

00:02:59.880 just in case

00:03:00.460 Cleptomaniac freak

00:03:01.220 Welcome back to the show

00:03:03.740 Brittany and Caleb

00:03:04.800 are two of my

00:03:05.420 most popular episodes

00:03:06.540 to date

00:03:07.120 Oh my god

00:03:08.080 And have you given

00:03:08.740 a royalty check?

00:03:09.960 Oh yeah

00:03:10.280 Yeah I got home

00:03:13.280 the other day

00:03:13.560 there was a Ferrari

00:03:14.080 in the driveway

00:03:14.580 It was from Drew

00:03:15.840 That's real sweet

00:03:17.120 And then I sent

00:03:18.160 Brittany vibes

00:03:18.900 Brittany love me 1.00

00:03:20.980 No she did it to be mean 1.00

00:03:21.980 because she knows 1.00

00:03:22.380 my big ass can't fit 1.00

00:03:23.140 in this car 1.00

00:03:23.620 I said you can't

00:03:25.140 I guess I'll drive it home

00:03:25.940 No I'm off

00:03:26.380 I hate that.

00:03:28.840 Well, thanks for coming back, y'all.

00:03:30.560 Your jerseys are hanging in the rafters.

00:03:32.200 All stars.

00:03:32.920 It's a pleasure to be here.

00:03:34.140 I feel like I'm home again.

00:03:35.980 4XL jersey.

00:03:38.660 4XL shoe jersey.

00:03:40.760 Hold on now.

00:03:41.340 Not too much on the sizes.

00:03:43.520 Not too much on the size of the jerseys there.

00:03:45.900 You're getting a little too small to be talking like that.

00:03:48.280 You better put some pounds back on before you implicate me in the 4X bit.

00:03:51.960 Trust and believe.

00:03:53.880 Am I not a 4X?

00:03:54.780 You want to check the tag on my underwear?

00:03:56.120 Yeah.

00:03:56.380 let's check it then

00:03:57.460 get in there

00:03:58.020 see what you find

00:03:59.280 don't mind the skinny

00:04:00.000 I just pulled my 1.00

00:04:00.880 fucking pants out 1.00

00:04:02.180 I'll show hole 1.00

00:04:03.980 on this episode

00:04:04.600 and?

00:04:05.740 are those cameras 4k?

00:04:08.160 y'all aren't gonna

00:04:08.960 like what you see

00:04:09.620 the light bars

00:04:10.620 set up and everything

00:04:11.340 softbox lighting

00:04:12.860 oh my god

00:04:13.120 a beautiful hole shot

00:04:14.600 from me

00:04:15.040 at the end of the episode

00:04:15.820 stay tuned

00:04:16.460 and then I'm gonna do

00:04:17.560 a voice over

00:04:18.140 like National Geographic

00:04:19.280 the predator moves in

00:04:20.780 on his pride 0.98

00:04:21.300 it's Brittany just

00:04:23.400 moving towards me 0.96

00:04:23.920 with a couple fingers

00:04:24.560 no we gotta cut that off 0.68

00:04:26.340 Two in the pink, one in the stink.

00:04:29.440 Now, where is Caleb's pink?

00:04:31.420 I only know about a stink.

00:04:36.860 I don't have one, y'all. 0.99

00:04:38.900 And it makes me feel, fuck, I'm going to fucking cry. 0.99

00:04:42.740 No, I'm going to fucking cry because I feel so out of place with y'all. 1.00

00:04:46.200 Like, I'm literally like a man in this space. 0.98

00:04:48.060 You're giving Caleb gendered him for me. 1.00

00:04:54.660 Oh, shut up. 1.00

00:04:55.940 I'm sure you have a pink somewhere. 1.00

00:04:57.460 Yeah.

00:04:57.820 I'll get in there and I'll look.

00:04:58.460 Everything down there is big.

00:05:01.100 Let me in there.

00:05:01.860 I'm willing to get my hands dirty.

00:05:03.580 You put on gloves up to your elbows.

00:05:05.900 Let me in there.

00:05:06.900 I'm going to pull my sleeves up.

00:05:08.200 Why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why.

00:05:12.420 Fist of cuffs. 0.99

00:05:13.620 Let's go. 0.98

00:05:14.180 I think I would fight y'all if I had the opportunity.

00:05:16.400 I would lose.

00:05:16.860 You think? 0.98

00:05:17.680 I think Brittany would start laughing, to be honest.

00:05:20.120 Yeah. 1.00

00:05:20.480 Y'all would beat my ass to the point where I would have to be permanently hospitalized. 1.00

00:05:24.300 She'd be like, ah, no. 1.00

00:05:25.940 You would beat my ass. 1.00

00:05:26.840 I've seen the videos of you in the gym, and I'd go, I'd lose. 1.00

00:05:29.420 Yeah.

00:05:29.820 Because I'm not strong.

00:05:30.500 I'm just big.

00:05:31.800 Which is a strength.

00:05:33.100 Yeah.

00:05:33.580 I think, yeah, the pen is your sword.

00:05:35.960 Oh, God.

00:05:36.440 That's why.

00:05:36.980 Yeah, that's true.

00:05:37.940 Your wit.

00:05:38.920 My wit?

00:05:39.260 I think that's more than enough.

00:05:40.160 Oh, my God.

00:05:40.700 Well, yeah, that brings me to my first point of the show.

00:05:42.480 Thank y'all so much for being on.

00:05:44.560 I think y'all wanted, in the text messages, y'all said that you wanted to compliment me

00:05:47.720 straight to camera, right?

00:05:50.060 I think that was in the show notes.

00:05:51.300 Was that?

00:05:51.800 Oh, I think.

00:05:52.360 Where are the producers?

00:05:52.860 Didn't we have in the show notes?

00:05:53.980 compliment caleb straight to camera for three minutes each well this is terribly humiliating

00:06:00.020 but go ahead okay we wouldn't want to make you uncomfortable no i'll get through it

00:06:05.640 i obviously everyone on this show knows that i'm the biggest fan ever of both brenny and caleb i'd

00:06:12.700 be doing pr for y'all it's true technically speaking it's true for free and we're actually

00:06:17.440 running the book tour yeah it's like my invoices are unanswered as of right now but don't worry

00:06:22.060 I'll keep sending them.

00:06:23.060 When your team texted Brittany and I on a group message and said,

00:06:26.440 will you guys do security for Drew's book tour?

00:06:29.120 I will say there was a moment of a side chat where we said,

00:06:31.680 hold on, is that offensive?

00:06:33.660 Is that racially profiling?

00:06:34.760 Is that racially profiling?

00:06:36.460 Yes.

00:06:36.600 Racially or body profiling?

00:06:38.360 Yeah. 0.95

00:06:38.800 Well, Southern, big white people from the,

00:06:41.060 so you said, well, and Brittany and I said, you know what?

00:06:43.060 That's our girl.

00:06:44.180 Let's do it.

00:06:44.840 We'll do it.

00:06:45.340 And we're going to do it.

00:06:45.980 Well, and your resume was just that picture of you in front of Aaron Carter.

00:06:50.000 Is that who it was?

00:06:50.660 You know about this, don't you?

00:06:52.000 He bounced for Aaron Carter.

00:06:54.380 I bodyguarded for Aaron Carter one night.

00:06:56.080 Is this like...

00:06:58.100 Ask any question you have.

00:07:00.120 Hello?

00:07:00.940 If I can talk, take your time.

00:07:03.640 Come back.

00:07:06.640 Where'd you go?

00:07:07.620 This is my impression of Brittany just now.

00:07:12.720 A stroke, mid-sentence.

00:07:14.360 She short-circuited.

00:07:15.340 Jesus.

00:07:16.340 The thought of you being a bodyguard literally made her short-circuit for a second.

00:07:19.540 There's something in this DP group.

00:07:20.860 oh we're drinking dp in the mugs we're doing dp sorry that's just the perp full sugar don't 0.99

00:07:25.680 mind it don't mind this have you seen that fucking tweet that's that white girl who tweeted 0.99

00:07:29.840 and she said um lean is a drug 1.00

00:07:32.360 i'm talking about i do not whatever let's move on it was me okay you bodyguarded for 0.99

00:07:42.100 fucking nick cannon i don't want to say whatever if i bodyguarded for nick cannon i'd have a kid 0.99

00:07:48.180 by now at least two i'd be pregnant uh he would have found a way to impregnate you yeah that's 0.99

00:07:53.440 true i'm always trying to get somebody to impregnate me i would love to carry well what

00:07:56.720 are you doing after this would you get me pregnant um if i could be a deadbeat mother 1.00

00:08:02.060 i don't see any other way i wouldn't have you involved in the kids

00:08:06.620 okay what tell me the story i don't know well i bought a carter for aaron carter it was one

00:08:13.440 night i was in college and um you know he was coming to campus and he didn't have a security

00:08:17.640 detail and so for sure and uh who's the biggest gayest guy we know yeah they said what's the 0.99

00:08:24.500 biggest faggot in three square miles they said who do we have that's with any place you go that's 1.00

00:08:31.120 gonna be top spot that's me i'm big dog i'm hey i'm i'm i'm king shit on big dick mountain 1.00

00:08:36.720 everywhere i go everywhere i go and uh yeah so so me and my buddy on the student activities 0.98

00:08:42.820 council they said well he needs security and i said i'm on it we walked around campus all day

00:08:46.140 with walkie-talkies

00:08:46.920 pretending to, like,

00:08:47.780 you know, scout the place.

00:08:49.780 And then, yeah,

00:08:50.360 I bodyguard her from all night.

00:08:51.300 He kissed me on the forehead.

00:08:52.900 It was beautiful.

00:08:54.060 After you made passionate love

00:08:55.240 in front of the audience.

00:08:56.780 No, the audience 1.00

00:08:57.680 did want to fuck him, though. 1.00

00:08:58.600 Isn't that funny? 1.00

00:08:59.360 I mean, he really,

00:09:00.120 because it was well past his time.

00:09:01.540 Yeah.

00:09:02.020 But they really wanted to, 0.99

00:09:03.100 the girls were doing 1.00

00:09:04.120 a nostalgia horniness. 1.00

00:09:05.460 They were into it.

00:09:05.980 Which is such a powerful horniness.

00:09:06.680 I feel that way

00:09:07.420 about Jesse McCartney.

00:09:08.580 Really?

00:09:09.580 Were y'all Jesse girls?

00:09:11.260 Not really, no.

00:09:12.320 Oh, Beautiful Soul?

00:09:13.140 Beautiful Soul.

00:09:13.820 I don't want any pretty things.

00:09:15.620 I like the song

00:09:16.640 or how about

00:09:17.300 I speak Spanish

00:09:18.440 Japanese

00:09:19.160 French

00:09:19.900 talking definitely

00:09:21.780 makes sense

00:09:22.620 a body

00:09:23.640 a body

00:09:24.320 a body language

00:09:25.320 come on

00:09:26.140 I know

00:09:26.440 oh I was in it

00:09:29.220 I love the music

00:09:30.180 I know the song

00:09:30.480 because he had a lot of 1.00

00:09:31.240 big booty girls 1.00

00:09:32.220 in that music video

00:09:33.000 he did 0.99

00:09:33.340 shaking ass 0.99

00:09:34.040 and we were what 0.99

00:09:34.640 nine

00:09:35.100 and I was like

00:09:35.920 oh I'm into it

00:09:36.880 okay

00:09:37.520 okay

00:09:38.580 just a party

00:09:39.140 with a little flavor

00:09:39.900 I think I know

00:09:40.800 the moment

00:09:41.120 that my grandma

00:09:41.700 figured out I was gay

00:09:42.680 because I was at her house

00:09:43.980 for Thanksgiving

00:09:44.440 and I was like

00:09:45.140 i was like i want to show you a song that's really important to me and she was like okay

00:09:48.980 and i took her over to the desktop computer and i put on beautiful soul

00:09:52.340 and i was singing along and i was like i don't want another 0.96

00:09:55.640 she's like gay i'm looking back and i'm like 0.97

00:10:00.600 and then look i choreographed something to it as well i'm like you're body rolling you know and 0.93

00:10:08.400 literally

00:10:08.960 you're doing a heels dance

00:10:11.880 I'm square dancing

00:10:14.300 you have knee pads on

00:10:15.500 yeah

00:10:15.800 wildebeest

00:10:16.820 with the playground

00:10:18.560 hold on not too much

00:10:19.480 on wildebeest

00:10:20.040 dance play

00:10:20.720 what's happening with wildebeest

00:10:22.500 I slide in the knee pads

00:10:23.700 I pull a chain

00:10:24.280 in my grandma's kitchen

00:10:26.640 so you have some 1.00

00:10:27.640 shoe dazzle heels on

00:10:28.740 and she watched 0.99

00:10:29.620 she watched the whole thing

00:10:30.280 and she went

00:10:30.560 that's nice 1.00

00:10:31.180 what is shoe dazzle heels

00:10:32.880 you don't remember shoe dazzle

00:10:33.960 shoe dazzle was a shoe

00:10:35.120 subscription service

00:10:36.460 what

00:10:37.440 and they were the world's ugliest shoes i wore some to my sweet 16 yeah and guess what you know

00:10:42.500 about just fab yeah yeah just fab online of course i know some of the worst blisters you could ever

00:10:48.640 think of in your life they're literally shoe subscription like websites and they were the

00:10:52.520 gaudiest most like jersey shore type heels is this an intergenerational gap that's happening 0.80

00:10:58.580 here how old are y'all you're the same age as me bitch i'm like just fab i've never heard of these 0.94

00:11:02.840 things in my life and she's a fetus compared to us yeah i am very very young yeah you're 1.00

00:11:07.380 developmentally very far behind us yeah i would say you are a lot further behind us

00:11:13.660 you advocate for yourself though when we all went to dinner the other night you said can we just

00:11:18.440 pick a restaurant that has pictures on the menu because words are hard and i don't want to do

00:11:23.800 that and i thought that was i was like stand up for yourself girl advocate no but advocate for

00:11:28.540 yourself that's important what does advocate mean yeah did you spell it for me yeah use it in a

00:11:36.460 sentence dude us the first time we all got dinner together i thought that it was funny because you 0.99

00:11:41.280 text you group text us and then you were like if you bitches don't answer me i'm gonna send a bomb 0.99

00:11:46.020 to both of your houses i appreciate that i need to be held that gunpoint me too and it's such a 0.99

00:11:55.420 it's a quality about myself

00:11:57.300 that I'm trying to work on

00:11:59.220 of trying to be better

00:12:00.100 about responding

00:12:00.680 and not ghosting people

00:12:02.840 because I do it to both of you.

00:12:04.020 And I will admit that.

00:12:04.720 And Caleb's like,

00:12:05.820 okay, well,

00:12:06.640 let me know when you start

00:12:07.320 working on it.

00:12:09.660 When is class one?

00:12:11.400 Let me know when you start that journey.

00:12:12.500 Hey, when the program kicks off,

00:12:13.600 give me a holler. 1.00

00:12:16.560 Go ahead and hit me up, girl. 1.00

00:12:18.140 I was going to say,

00:12:19.060 you're good.

00:12:19.660 Both of y'all are good about like,

00:12:21.400 and I said,

00:12:22.380 you're going to double text me.

00:12:23.980 Oh, I'll triple quadruple text.

00:12:25.420 i'll literally i'll literally at her in our group chat you know you like it tells you extra like 1.00

00:12:29.780 hey bitch hello or sometimes she'll respond to memes on instagram and i'm like hey oh go ahead 1.00

00:12:35.560 and hop over to that group chat answer the other fucking 30 questions i asked you oh i'm glad you're 1.00

00:12:40.080 having fun on instagram let's uh let's pick up the phone and check out the text messages 0.91

00:12:44.180 well as everybody here knows i'm sure the three of us have never been together on the same pod

00:12:51.400 before so this is legally we have not been allowed to yeah the restraining orders made that a little

00:12:55.660 difficult yeah the courts just lifted the embargo and we were allowed into brat studios and we're 0.99

00:13:00.620 going stupid going crazy yeah that is how it sounds when we all hang out we go to dinner 100% gay 0.97

00:13:13.660 nonsense i feel bad for every server who's ever encountered us i know when we went to dinner the 1.00

00:13:17.740 first time like a few months ago uh remember when we left the hostess was like man you guys

00:13:22.600 were laughing all night yeah is that derogatory yeah it felt like she was like you guys were 0.99

00:13:27.240 laughing all night it felt like it had a little bit of like yeah shut the fuck up yeah she's like 0.99

00:13:30.680 yeah go ahead and get the fuck out of here by the way yeah at dinner dason said that was the first 0.99

00:13:35.480 time the three of us ordered sodas and she was like oh i'm good with water and then caleb was 0.99

00:13:40.580 like what you think you're fucking better than us and then she got a soda yeah well grow up and 0.97

00:13:46.740 to the DP. And then she necked it 0.99

00:13:48.700 before the rest of us. You're all, oh, didn't want a soda,

00:13:51.040 huh? By the way.

00:13:52.760 Didn't want one? Downed it like a cartoon character

00:13:54.820 sucking on a cactus in the desert. 1.00

00:13:57.640 Just fucking 1.00

00:13:58.400 ate that shit up. Like Popeye with spinach. 1.00

00:14:04.560 Here's what I'll say about me bullying Jason into getting a soda.

00:14:07.460 People are scared to say this. Bullying

00:14:08.780 works. Bring it back.

00:14:10.200 Bring back shame and bullying. What do you think

00:14:12.780 got me this show in the first place? Period.

00:14:15.140 Thank you.

00:14:16.200 Thanks, guys.

00:14:17.100 Now we get to terrorize people for a living.

00:14:19.560 And I love that.

00:14:21.360 Well, you terrorize them by being annoying, both of you.

00:14:23.460 That's very true.

00:14:24.140 Both of them.

00:14:24.880 Mine's being mean.

00:14:27.440 I terrorize them live in person.

00:14:30.400 I say, buy a ticket.

00:14:31.440 Come on. 0.87

00:14:31.660 I'm going to be horrible to you.

00:14:33.380 And they do.

00:14:34.540 And they show up.

00:14:34.880 It is truly at a Caleb show.

00:14:36.420 It's like seals in an audience.

00:14:40.400 That's how I feel in the audience. 1.00

00:14:42.280 He's like, you're ugly and you're fat. 1.00

00:14:44.820 We went and watched Caleb 1.00

00:14:49.160 because I did an opening five for Caleb's show.

00:14:51.700 Hit eight, eight, eight, eight, eight, eight, eight.

00:14:53.820 First time doing stand-up

00:14:54.940 and Caleb trusted me to do it

00:14:56.340 and I said, okay, well I did bring a gun

00:14:58.000 so I hope that's cool with you.

00:14:59.960 Someone's going out.

00:15:00.520 I don't know if it's me or someone in the audience.

00:15:02.760 Just in case it bombs, I have a plan B.

00:15:04.900 Just so everybody knows.

00:15:05.940 I did not allow you to do a set on the show.

00:15:08.060 I begged you for months to do a set anywhere

00:15:10.100 and then you came and did a phenomenal set.

00:15:12.600 You were very good at it.

00:15:13.700 Thank you very much.

00:15:14.560 did you have fun i had honestly a blast i was telling him it felt like something completely

00:15:18.960 different from like doing tiktok or whatever doing comedy online is very different so the

00:15:24.060 feeling was awesome it's a rush but i was nervous as fuck i'm never nervous for work stuff but i was

00:15:28.820 really nervous for that because you were a theater kid adjacent yeah i did theater in school but not

00:15:34.380 a lot of it because i was an athlete too it's that feeling of like yeah being on a stage where you

00:15:39.300 can't see the audience and it's just the lights and it's like okay i hope i remember what i was

00:15:43.160 to do but don't and it's like also they're there to see you because they love you yeah that's it's

00:15:48.220 a pat on the back yeah britney remembers that feeling from when she was in high school and

00:15:51.600 she played the grandma in the adams family period true period true and that is a truth

00:15:56.760 at keller high school i've seen picture i found pictures and did i win a kelly award yes yes you

00:16:01.140 sure did at keller isd in texas she's like every time i was in theater they always made me like

00:16:06.620 an old lady or a man yeah i was like okay i did experiment with cross-dressing at one point in

00:16:12.000 my life yeah for art for which is so beautiful and then i started doing it behind closed doors

00:16:16.940 yeah and that's drag and that's drag this is like such a random story but when i was in fifth grade

00:16:22.500 we did this project where you had to do like it was like a human wax museum so you had to pick

00:16:27.540 someone that you admire in history do like a little paper on them and then i'm back to school

00:16:31.620 that you have to dress like them write like a minute monologue and then like pretend you have

00:16:35.460 a button and then someone would press it and then you have to recite no one ever guesses because it's

00:16:41.840 just the most absurd pick in the world who did you pick i picked king george the third

00:16:46.000 which is the worst king in english monarch history one of them king girl why i don't i don't know

00:16:53.040 and i remember my i was the only girl who cross-dressed i was the only one who picked a

00:17:01.120 man and also i did not pick someone i admired person i don't know why like my teacher literally

00:17:06.340 called my mom and was like i feel like she should pick somebody else like let's look into him a

00:17:11.300 little bit more i feel like she should pick somebody else steadfast in her decision yeah

00:17:14.220 my mom was like well does she really want to do it and she was like yeah like she she told me i

00:17:18.140 have all the material prepared because i did and she was like then just let her do it who gives a 0.95

00:17:21.840 fuck yeah yeah the jury's like hey noelle it's miss blake um drew's being a little dykey with 0.96

00:17:27.360 jury's out on day sim but it's not looking good over there 1.00

00:17:31.620 oh dude sometimes i look back at my sister's crushes i'm like lesbian yeah she's so gay it's

00:17:39.200 crazy yeah like some of the people she liked i'm like yeah that yeah like jonathan taylor thomas

00:17:44.340 that was such a big like anybody when i went when someone's like a home someone's like jonathan 0.98

00:17:47.700 taylor thomas from home improvement if it was a girl i was like you're gay yeah sorry you're gay

00:17:52.380 you know what was another one is um i i had some gay cousins who had a similar thing who loved

00:17:57.460 arty from glee that's their fave that's their fave and i was like interesting of all the men

00:18:04.140 on that show that is interesting hey no worries and all right we love you how you are how you are

00:18:14.240 no worries how you are god yeah it's like that's okay just not in front of me yeah whatever you do

00:18:19.660 in the privacy of your home and i remember i was um king uh yeah i was king george the third do you

00:18:25.380 have a fact for us about king george the third that you remember the only one i really remember

00:18:29.300 is that he was one of,

00:18:31.260 if not the worst,

00:18:32.180 English monarch.

00:18:32.880 Like, he tanked the economy.

00:18:35.140 Everybody hated him.

00:18:36.280 He refused to die.

00:18:37.760 And he, like, went insane.

00:18:39.640 Like, on the throne,

00:18:40.260 he went insane

00:18:40.600 and he refused to relinquish.

00:18:42.180 You said, 1.00

00:18:42.500 I'm low-key fucking with him. 0.99

00:18:43.200 And I was like, 1.00

00:18:43.800 and you know what?

00:18:44.520 That's tea.

00:18:45.680 Maybe he's on to something.

00:18:46.640 We got motion, twins.

00:18:47.700 Perseverance.

00:18:49.760 He and I are not alike

00:18:50.740 because I'll tell you,

00:18:51.400 as soon as the opportunity 0.98

00:18:52.240 to die presents itself, 0.96

00:18:53.220 I'm taking it.

00:18:55.120 I will not fight.

00:18:56.280 I'm jumping on it.

00:18:57.120 Oh, yeah.

00:18:57.500 When you see people

00:18:58.160 coming out of comas

00:18:59.180 and they're like, she's a fighter.

00:19:00.040 I'm not.

00:19:01.580 I'll go.

00:19:02.320 Go ahead and let me go.

00:19:03.300 Yeah, I've had a good time,

00:19:04.120 but I'm not begging to stick around.

00:19:05.300 You know what I mean?

00:19:05.800 You do strike me as like Gil from Finding Nemo.

00:19:08.620 Just like, just been through it.

00:19:10.540 The hot scarred one.

00:19:11.860 That's the fish that people say they're attracted to. 0.98

00:19:14.640 I know that's fucking right. 0.99

00:19:17.400 I know that's fucking right. 0.99

00:19:18.560 There you go. 0.99

00:19:19.040 I wish I had a face scar.

00:19:20.240 God, I would work that.

00:19:21.920 Drew's making that happen.

00:19:23.080 God, I would work that.

00:19:23.700 Y'all cut me.

00:19:25.000 Y'all cut me on the show.

00:19:26.360 I'm like, I don't need that. 0.71

00:19:27.700 Pull out a knife.

00:19:29.180 comedically large sword sometimes i look at my past when i was like a child and i'm like

00:19:36.040 yeah i needed attention bad this makes sense yeah i mean yeah i needed that anything to be

00:19:41.540 different yeah and literally anything at all did you guys have any memories like that when you're

00:19:46.640 kids i'll tell you what i got one let's hear it every day for about two years i refused to wear

00:19:51.960 anything except for cowboy boots with a full kin city chiefs windsuit and a little cowboy hat and

00:19:57.760 here's what I would do to play.

00:19:58.780 This was my play, okay?

00:19:59.780 Not play.

00:20:00.500 This was my play.

00:20:01.600 I was like seven.

00:20:02.500 I would go out in the yard with a shovel,

00:20:04.160 and I would dig in a ditch for a couple hours.

00:20:06.500 I would just dig around.

00:20:07.360 I'd move dirt around.

00:20:08.520 And I'd go inside all dirty and sweaty, 0.99

00:20:10.140 and my mom would be like,

00:20:10.700 how was work today?

00:20:13.320 Why are you cosplaying blue collar?

00:20:15.520 Girl, girl. 0.98

00:20:16.580 The way I would go in the house dirty.

00:20:17.940 I'd be like rolling up my sleeves.

00:20:18.840 I'd be like, can I get some water?

00:20:20.020 She'd be like, can I get some water?

00:20:21.440 And my coworkers were all imaginary,

00:20:23.960 named after country music stars.

00:20:25.520 I'd be like, oh, me, Kenny, Chesney.

00:20:27.760 Me, Kenny, Chesney, Tim McGraw.

00:20:32.680 I said, me, Kenny, and Tim got about as much done as we could out there today, but it was

00:20:36.680 a hot one.

00:20:37.140 And my mom would be like, I know that's right, but I'm dead ass serious.

00:20:39.940 What are you doing physically? 1.00

00:20:41.860 Reba's going to wring my neck in the morning. 0.98

00:20:43.620 I'm dead ass serious. 1.00

00:20:44.320 Reba's going to have my ass. 1.00

00:20:45.260 I would go out there. 1.00

00:20:46.080 I would go out there and dig ditches and I would just dig all day long and I'd go inside. 0.97

00:20:50.000 My mom, who's actually a single mom working multiple jobs, by the way, would have to like- 0.95

00:20:53.340 She's like, I actually got enough going on. 1.00

00:20:54.540 She would have to like play along to my little bits.

00:20:56.260 We're going to see if she answers me right now. 0.99

00:20:57.540 oh my god answer on the first ring pathetic pathetic hey mom she said i don't have a life 0.97

00:21:06.120 oh girl okay hey you're on a podcast so um hi my friends britney and drew here do you want to say 0.97

00:21:11.060 hi how are you hi i'm good how are you good hey i wanted to ask you a quick question you're on

00:21:17.740 you're on camera and and audio well you're on audio um when i was a kid did i did i dress up

00:21:24.560 in cowboy boots and a full Chiefs

00:21:26.280 Winsuit for like a year or two straight?

00:21:28.420 Yeah. I had to basically

00:21:30.140 wait for you to fall asleep and take it off.

00:21:32.520 And what would he do in the Winsuit

00:21:34.160 when he was playing? Yeah, what would I do in the yard

00:21:36.020 when I was playing with Kenny and Tim?

00:21:37.940 You did all sorts of stuff with Kenny and Tim.

00:21:41.580 Okay, not

00:21:42.360 being very specific. Mom, the content's

00:21:44.420 better if you say specific things.

00:21:47.120 You talked to him.

00:21:48.300 I had to set a plate at the table for him.

00:21:50.400 You had to set a plate at the table for them?

00:21:53.080 Yeah, for Kenny.

00:21:54.420 He never makes me for Kenny, but I had to

00:21:56.400 for Timmy. I guess Kenny didn't deserve to eat.

00:21:59.780 Would I

00:22:00.380 or would I not go out and play in the dirt

00:22:02.480 and pretend that we had worked a long, hard day?

00:22:04.940 Oh, yes.

00:22:06.540 Yes. She would come in

00:22:08.540 and be so tired from working

00:22:10.300 outside with Timmy, and here I had worked 0.99

00:22:12.360 a 12-hour shit. 0.99

00:22:14.300 That's what I say. 1.00

00:22:16.180 That's what I say. I love you, girl. You have a good one,

00:22:18.480 okay? Love you. Bye.

00:22:20.280 Bye. She's like, yeah, here I am

00:22:22.320 fucking toiling over three jobs 1.00

00:22:24.300 by the way. By the way, a nurse. 1.00

00:22:27.340 Nurse. And she has 0.61

00:22:28.360 to handle me coming in being like, where's the water, bitch? 1.00

00:22:31.180 God, and dinner's not ready? 1.00

00:22:32.820 Yeah, on the table, bitch. 1.00

00:22:34.740 You know? Oh my god. She was tickled 1.00

00:22:36.400 pink by that. Did you hear her at the end? She loved that.

00:22:38.720 Oh god.

00:22:41.760 Yeah, she's

00:22:42.300 down bad. She's down bad. She stands me hard. 0.98

00:22:44.460 I like how you were cosplaying 1.00

00:22:46.560 blue collar work. Oh, couldn't help it.

00:22:48.400 You're a mine coal. You knew you would never.

00:22:50.860 No, I knew then.

00:22:51.960 I was like, this is about as dirty as it's going to get for me.

00:22:53.880 Yeah, you're like, I'm all about the pageantry of hard work, but not the actual hard work.

00:22:58.840 Stolen valor.

00:22:59.160 Like, physical, physical.

00:23:00.400 Really stolen valor.

00:23:01.360 Stolen valor of railroad workers.

00:23:03.760 Well, I'm looking at y'all's hands, and they've never worked a day on their lives.

00:23:06.460 Obviously.

00:23:07.040 And so, the three of us, we have a lot in common in that way.

00:23:09.140 That is true.

00:23:10.320 What was y'all's first job?

00:23:11.400 What was y'all's first job?

00:23:11.980 Oh, my very first job?

00:23:15.880 I think it was, like, legitimately when I got paid for it was in college.

00:23:18.820 and I worked in, like, the athletic department office.

00:23:23.280 I was, like, an assistant.

00:23:24.600 At the University of Hawaii? 0.98

00:23:25.620 Yeah, I was literally, like, an Aaron running whore. 0.96

00:23:27.800 Like, that's all I was, really. 0.94

00:23:28.900 I was printing papers and putting them and getting yelled at.

00:23:32.320 Yeah.

00:23:32.340 A golfer.

00:23:32.880 Sweating in a two-type polo.

00:23:34.280 That actually seems to be a theme in all my jobs.

00:23:36.020 Yeah, yeah. 1.00

00:23:36.420 You were in those polo bits. 0.99

00:23:37.580 Oh, girl.

00:23:38.340 You were in there for a little bit.

00:23:39.160 Button to the top. 1.00

00:23:40.540 One mono boob. 1.00

00:23:41.740 You were keeping Dick's Sporting Goods alive. 1.00

00:23:43.540 Yeah, alive and well, actually.

00:23:45.400 Wow. 0.99

00:23:45.420 Not dicks, please. 0.99

00:23:46.340 Academy. 0.99

00:23:46.700 me and you can guess i was a baskin robbins employee thank you so much by my thick knuckles

00:23:52.180 from scooping your dirty dirty palms my calloused palms from scooping how was that job it was um i

00:24:00.980 think every single person should have to work in the food industry yeah i did i was a server in

00:24:05.280 college yep i think every single person should have to either prepare food for people or serve

00:24:10.040 food to people yeah because it teaches you a lot about humanity and it teaches you a lot about uh

00:24:14.740 how unhygienic places are i was 16 mind you they let me open and close the store by my lonesome

00:24:20.440 at 16 years old i'm taking money out of the register

00:24:23.540 i'm scooping like digging my own spoon in there truly yeah i'm double dipping

00:24:29.400 that's actually how covid started yeah well in the daiquiri ice tub in the bathroom robinson

00:24:35.620 south lake texas i had grown men coming in every day being like the usual for me

00:24:40.480 this is my first day here

00:24:42.240 also their usual

00:24:44.780 a large praline milkshake

00:24:47.140 yeah

00:24:47.500 you know how large this is how

00:24:50.980 big a large is at

00:24:52.820 Baskin Robbins dude that is a large

00:24:55.160 it's like that Panda Express cup

00:24:56.380 it's like 32 ounces

00:24:58.180 and then he's yelling at me

00:25:01.160 when I'm like sir we ran out

00:25:02.920 we're dry yeah you were in here

00:25:04.980 yesterday and the day before

00:25:05.860 and the truck comes once a week

00:25:07.880 you're like that's 72 ounces of praline milkshake you've consumed hey baby i'll talk to upper

00:25:14.240 management but for now pick a different one you know what i mean let me see what i can get going

00:25:19.420 for you oh my god yeah it was horrible being a server was the worst job i've literally ever had

00:25:23.660 oh i loved it did you oh my god i worked in food service for four years at my first job ever i

00:25:27.980 decorated cakes at a golden corral period no i did not know golden crawl had decorated cakes 0.94

00:25:32.720 you better fucking believe it that's your that's your culture they had little carrots on every 0.98

00:25:35.880 slice that's where your people go to worship oh my yo you're absolutely right it's the closest 0.99

00:25:40.380 thing to a temple that isn't owned by the church 100 i loved waiting tables i honestly miss it i

00:25:45.600 loved i just loved it that makes sense yeah i was like i was like i was like what is going on y'all

00:25:51.340 i would go up to a table and i'd be like hey hey boy am i good to see you i'm glad oh my god i'm

00:26:00.240 good to see y'all aren't you aren't you a sight for sore eyes i'm good to see y'all i loved it

00:26:04.940 Every single table, I was like, this is a new friend.

00:26:07.260 I loved it so much.

00:26:08.160 And when they ordered something complicated, I loved it even more.

00:26:10.820 Because that's what?

00:26:12.100 Fellowship.

00:26:12.480 Because I said, what's going to happen?

00:26:13.280 I'm going to get it right, and you're going to be shocked.

00:26:16.180 Oh, I loved it.

00:26:16.980 It's community.

00:26:17.860 Oh, yeah.

00:26:18.260 It is.

00:26:18.560 It's fellowship.

00:26:19.380 My first and last serving job, I worked in a steakhouse in Hawaii.

00:26:22.780 And I told the guy up front, I'm like, I can only work part-time because I had a full class

00:26:26.900 out and another job. 0.95

00:26:28.000 So I was like, this is literally getting fucked up money. 0.97

00:26:30.840 This is the money. 0.96

00:26:31.620 So if my other money can go towards my bills, this is for me getting drunk.

00:26:34.600 period and so um i made good money too because it was like a high-end steakhouse

00:26:39.080 and i remember he was like okay two three days a week i'm like cool i start working it's hard as

00:26:45.040 fuck mind you why i had to come in three hours before my shift and set up like the salad bar 0.92

00:26:49.820 and everything and i had to like yeah girl that was our whole goddamn day you're harvesting the 0.99

00:26:54.660 lettuce i literally remember my very first day he was like you need shorts and a t-shirt is what

00:27:04.500 i wore and then like he had to have white shoes and so the shorts i thought he said black but

00:27:08.480 it's supposed to be khaki so i brought black like black shorts the same the right length whatever

00:27:13.680 i was like oh i'm sorry i was like it's okay i'll buy another one after today and then i'll wear

00:27:17.360 him he goes well you can't wear those on the floor like you have to be in uniform and i'm like

00:27:20.240 well i don't have any he's like don't worry i have some and you're probably wondering didn't

00:27:24.320 you say it was a man yeah i did and he went and got his backup cargo shorts which turned out to

00:27:29.480 be another man who served there they were his shorts why they were at the restaurant i don't

00:27:33.920 not sisterhood of the traveling cargo i'm like these are the community cargos so he told me to

00:27:39.000 put them on yeah he told me to put them on he's like you can't serve unless you put these on 0.99

00:27:43.260 i put them on they're men's cargo shorts i'm not a man obviously so they're like tight as fuck on 0.99

00:27:49.440 my fupa and my fucking stomach and then they're like literally skin tight on the thighs and then 0.99

00:27:55.540 they bell bottom right here so i look like the world's worst safari park ranger and i'm like 1.00

00:28:00.760 you got me looking fucked and i literally have a big ass camel toe and a wedgie you gotta see how 0.97

00:28:06.180 a moose knuckle too all of a sudden i'm like the moose knuckle comes with the cargoes apparently 0.99

00:28:12.620 and i was like i can't wear these like i was literally like in tears because i'm like this

00:28:17.660 is the fugliest i've ever looked and i told him i'm like can i please put on my other shorts he

00:28:22.480 was like no so i served all night and those and i know you did and i had such bad chub rub and my

00:28:28.740 legs weren't even touching they were really and that's from the shorts literally just chafing

00:28:32.660 away and i thought to myself yeah i'm not gonna last year after that day and i got fired uh-oh

00:28:38.600 hold on hold the phone i only served there for probably like two-ish months and then like

00:28:47.220 one day i came in and he told me oh so i i have shifts for you for a christmas break

00:28:52.780 and i'm not obviously didn't live in hawaii like i was going home i was like no i told you i'm

00:28:56.900 going home for the holidays and he was like well if you want to move up in the restaurant industry

00:29:00.260 stop right there i don't pause hey i don't like i you made me look like a safari worker on my 0.99

00:29:05.340 first date i don't want to work here forever you out of your fucking mind and so i was like yeah 0.99

00:29:09.480 no i told you i can only do part-time i'm doing my three shifts a week and he was like oh okay 0.99

00:29:13.920 next time i came in to serve he had me train somebody like a man and he's like oh i need you

00:29:17.980 to train this guy he's gonna work the shifts that you don't pick up i'm like okay mind you this guy

00:29:22.420 he's tweaking like the minute i meet him he's he's like you know what i'm saying josh peck

00:29:27.260 from that one episode yeah he's literally like twitching and grinding his teeth a lot and i was

00:29:31.260 like okay and he kept he left i'm not kidding at least 20 times during the shift to go do meth in

00:29:37.980 the bathroom like literally i can hear him i followed him over there once to like listen and

00:29:41.960 i heard it like no for real i was like like that it's like the start of a little wayne song

00:29:54.920 no that is crazy but also

00:29:56.980 you should be allowed to do meth at work that's real legalize it after the shift my manager's

00:30:06.840 like oh can i talk to you outside i'm like yeah sure and i figure it's about the guy and i'm like

00:30:10.860 hey, he's doing meth.

00:30:11.760 I don't think he's the guy.

00:30:13.160 My gut tells me meth is a big no.

00:30:14.980 He's not our guy.

00:30:15.840 Yeah, I go out there.

00:30:16.560 I'm like, okay, I do have a lot of notes.

00:30:18.180 And he goes, yeah, I'm moving you off your shifts

00:30:21.420 and I'm putting you on call exclusively

00:30:23.260 and you no longer work here.

00:30:24.620 That's like literally what he told me. 0.99

00:30:26.040 And I was like, type shit. 0.99

00:30:27.340 I was like, oh, okay, well, 1.00

00:30:30.360 did you want to hear about the meth guy?

00:30:33.320 No, okay.

00:30:34.500 He said, if I'm going down,

00:30:35.300 everyone's going down with me.

00:30:36.140 Yeah, and I was like, oh, okay, well, all right. 0.99

00:30:39.600 And I just like went and got my shit

00:30:40.800 and left and then i called dason and i was like calling her at the bus i'm sitting at the bus stop 0.90

00:30:45.200 across the street by the way so they're all watching me as i'm sitting there and tears in 0.87

00:30:48.920 my eyes and i'm calling my sister and she's fucked up going home from a demi lovato concert 0.96

00:30:53.760 what's going on and then i was like dude i think he just got fucking fired like i'm literally like 0.97

00:31:01.100 in the background like give you a heart and break she's still there 0.97

00:31:05.900 she's in the bathroom at the stadium

00:31:09.180 remember when she sang heart attack at that cardiovascular

00:31:11.180 event

00:31:11.840 what

00:31:12.360 she went to

00:31:19.420 like some sort of cardiovascular

00:31:21.280 whatever event she sang

00:31:23.220 heart attack and then she couldn't believe people were mad

00:31:25.440 mother bullet

00:31:26.180 mother attack 1.00

00:31:28.860 I'm like what the fuck were we even 1.00

00:31:31.520 talking about 0.98

00:31:32.580 I was like remember when she sang that

00:31:35.460 song.

00:31:37.240 Anyways, that's the story of how I got

00:31:39.420 fired from my restaurant job. One time when I worked at Golden

00:31:41.360 Corral, you could put in time off

00:31:43.540 requests in this little system.

00:31:44.960 This mean old guy ran the restaurant named Kevin. 1.00

00:31:47.500 Kevin, fuck you, bitch. 1.00

00:31:49.320 I know you're watching, bitch. 1.00

00:31:51.160 Kevin, I know you're a big fan of the pod. 0.99

00:31:52.880 Yeah, and I'm glad your wife got everything in the divorce.

00:31:57.420 What if he was a huge comment section fan? 0.99

00:31:59.960 He's watching, he's like, god damn it. 0.98

00:32:01.100 He's at home with his mug. 1.00

00:32:03.560 He's like, fuck. 1.00

00:32:04.960 Catching straight. 1.00

00:32:06.640 Kevin, eat a million dicks, you hear, bitch. 1.00

00:32:08.820 You know what you did, bitch. 1.00

00:32:10.200 But I put in a request saying I couldn't work. 1.00

00:32:12.160 There was one Friday night I couldn't work.

00:32:13.340 Mind you, I'm 15.

00:32:14.220 I'm working 5 a.m. breakfast shifts on Saturdays.

00:32:17.560 Who is it?

00:32:17.980 The GC at 5 a.m.?

00:32:19.860 Well, they have an omelet bar that I had to set up. 0.99

00:32:22.940 See, I always have to set shit up. 0.96

00:32:24.640 I had to get prepped for the omelet bar. 1.00

00:32:26.260 I was fist deep in the Baskin-Robbins toilet cleaning that shit. 1.00

00:32:29.400 Cleaning all the vomit out of it. 0.99

00:32:31.040 So I put in a request that was like, hey, there's one Friday night I can't work. 0.98

00:32:34.660 It's literally like fucking Hilary Duff and Cinderella vibes. 0.97

00:32:37.280 I'm like, it's homecoming. 1.00

00:32:41.860 Fucking diner girl. 0.99

00:32:43.000 Do you have a Chad Michael Murray that popped into the story? 1.00

00:32:44.940 Oh, God, no.

00:32:46.520 Don't care.

00:32:47.540 We'll talk about it on camera.

00:32:48.700 But I was like, there's one Friday night I can't work.

00:32:51.940 It's homecoming.

00:32:52.980 And I was like, so I can't work that night.

00:32:54.640 I put in the request, immediately get a phone call from Kevin.

00:32:56.380 And he goes, hi, I don't know if you have ever had a job before.

00:33:00.280 Now, mind you, I am 15.

00:33:02.560 So no, sir, I have not. 0.96

00:33:03.920 at your big-ass age. 0.61

00:33:05.620 Actually, I haven't. 0.95

00:33:06.540 Oh, no.

00:33:06.920 Actually, this is my first one.

00:33:07.820 I'm shocked you couldn't tell.

00:33:10.160 And he goes,

00:33:10.780 you don't tell your boss

00:33:11.840 when you can and can't work.

00:33:12.900 And I started crying,

00:33:13.660 and I was like,

00:33:14.080 I'm up for a homecoming gig!

00:33:17.380 And did you win?

00:33:19.380 Oh.

00:33:19.880 What?

00:33:21.720 No.

00:33:23.360 No, but.

00:33:27.740 I, um, yeah.

00:33:29.160 It was a tough time in my life. 0.99

00:33:30.540 That's fucking crazy. 1.00

00:33:31.460 You're adults, bitch. 1.00

00:33:32.540 It's y'all. 1.00

00:33:32.940 You're 40.

00:33:33.920 y'all are the supervisor like you guys are the married couple

00:33:39.420 oh my god have you ever won homecoming king queen prom queen i've won it all honey

00:33:50.760 i've won it all that's gonna be a note for me

00:33:54.020 i would vote for both of y'all for oh thanks so sweet y'all are the homecoming queens of my life

00:34:01.380 you want to hear something funny when i was in high school they had this rule that like because

00:34:05.500 social media was like i guess like it was newish right it was emerging because i'm from colonial

00:34:11.120 times so like you know i was on the covered wagon and instagram wasn't but you were in edwardian

00:34:16.220 times when i was in high school you had the printing press that just come out and gutenberg

00:34:20.400 was doing numbers i literally remember um the asb like the head of asb like the teacher or 0.99

00:34:29.760 whatever she was a bitch but she literally would not let you campaign on social media like you 0.98

00:34:35.360 could not tweet about it you couldn't post on instagram like you literally couldn't do that 0.99

00:34:38.580 because she said it was unfair to kids who didn't have social media which i found to be bullshit

00:34:43.040 personally but i remember when i was i think i was a junior gonna be a senior so like dason and

00:34:48.940 billy were both seniors at my high school at the time i was like running for senior

00:34:52.860 student council because i was trying to put it on my resume i was like so like yeah but i was kind

00:34:58.480 of like what's the least amount of responsibility okay I'll run for treasure like that's how I

00:35:03.240 decided so I was like what's the least amount of responsibility I was like what's something I could

00:35:10.960 get someone else to do for me but still have the title and so I literally was like I'll do treasure

00:35:14.880 and so they had like different stages of running for it so like the first one was like you just 0.60

00:35:20.180 had to get on the ballot and then the second like them having fucking primaries and then the second 0.86

00:35:24.000 It was like the actual one. 0.98

00:35:25.240 You had to go to Iowa and caucus.

00:35:27.320 Exactly.

00:35:27.820 Everyone in the gymnasium went to a corner.

00:35:29.480 Yeah. 0.89

00:35:29.720 She's running red, of course.

00:35:30.940 I'm like, I did go to the NRA, but that was unrelated.

00:35:33.540 Yeah.

00:35:34.180 The convention, but that was unrelated to my campaign.

00:35:36.580 But anyways, it is relative to my politics though. 0.96

00:35:39.360 And so then when I was three of us, I completely fucking forgot.

00:35:43.640 Like I completely forgot that we were having the primary vote or whatever.

00:35:46.980 So I just started telling people, I was like, hey, hey, make sure you vote for me today. 0.97

00:35:50.560 and i was like up against i think a cheerleader and one other kid that was like he was a big asb kid

00:35:55.200 and i was only two of us could make it and so i think that cheerleader was pretty confident she

00:36:00.340 was gonna be because she had all these fancy ass posters and everything everywhere and i was like

00:36:03.840 i was just like word of mouth be like hey if you're voting make sure you vote for me and so i i just

00:36:09.120 started doing that but i didn't realize at the time that dason and billy were both telling people

00:36:13.140 to go vote for me too and like obviously you've seen billy he looked like that in high school so

00:36:17.600 yeah a lot of people are gonna listen to him it's actually not true he looked like a mexican

00:36:20.760 jonas brother i've seen the photos i don't care what he looks like i've seen him now and if he

00:36:25.240 came up to me in high school and said vote for vote for this girl for a present i'd be like no 0.96

00:36:28.680 worries actually whatever you want yeah six two in high school what the fuck is that yeah no i'm 1.00

00:36:36.000 good anyways see you bitch and i remember he he was helping campaign for me and i made it onto 1.00

00:36:40.460 the ballot and then the for real one started and i remember he tweeted about me at the like final 0.98

00:36:45.960 thing and he was like hey everyone make sure you go vote for drew and then i literally called him 0.97

00:36:50.400 and i was like delete that fucking tweet you're gonna get me fucking disqualified like i literally 0.98

00:36:54.280 was so mad at him because he tweeted that he was trying to ride for his woman oh yeah before i was 0.99

00:36:59.480 his woman that was when i was like you know what i mean i was in a real one of those phases with

00:37:02.600 him yeah i was really annoyed with him we've been through that many times yeah you with caleb yes

00:37:07.500 oh god have we ever that's pretty pretty privileged well this one this one my goofy all 0.93

00:37:14.440 my crazy y'all this silly silly one right here the way she finally bagged me was um i had told 0.92

00:37:22.060 her no for two years straight i said no no no i said get away i'm not interested i'm not interested 0.97

00:37:26.720 and she she came up behind i'm gonna cry because this is so she came up i was getting in my car 1.00

00:37:32.920 i was in a parking garage i was getting in my car she came up behind me and put core form over my

00:37:36.540 face it works it works and i passed out and i came to in her house yes and she said you're

00:37:43.900 going to be my man or else and uh we have been together ever since 13 years 13 years and and

00:37:50.160 two beautiful children that i do not care for that is all she doesn't she really doesn't she

00:37:55.900 really doesn't and i am just picking up the slack and i'm happy to do it and we share a beautiful

00:38:01.520 toyota camry and serious question for both of you what's the most embarrassing thing that's

00:38:06.800 happened to you when you were like in high school oh god something that like altered the trajectory

00:38:11.800 of your path oh i asked a young gentleman to prom and he said no what yeah yeah in what way like he

00:38:18.800 just went no in a way that was very visceral and um impassioned you know i was like i and i texted

00:38:25.100 him i got his that should have been my number one sign this was not a young gentleman that i had his

00:38:29.480 phone number previously okay i got it from someone and i texted him and i was like his name was aj

00:38:34.460 okay he was a young indian man loved him i texted him and i said aj you know you and me have something

00:38:40.240 special uh do you want to go to prom together and he hit me back with a you know i don't look

00:38:45.120 at you like that no no no a no would have been good you could i mean just a no would have been

00:38:52.740 okay you said you said you said audrey i felt something between us he said time out shrek

00:38:55.780 pause he's back to the swamp no he said he said that's not to hurt my feelings yeah he said mean 0.87

00:39:03.260 he said that's really mean that's really fucked up audrey we have something that's mean that's 0.88

00:39:07.740 mean that's really fucked up that you would say that to me yeah that was like truly like i cried 0.95

00:39:11.780 that night and i was like i could then i had to laugh because i was like that's actually so mean 0.89

00:39:15.500 it's hilarious and being like you know i don't see you like that i did not i'm finding out right

00:39:22.320 now so no news to me that's probably gonna be number one that's gonna be high up there i um

00:39:28.340 high school boy was really good for me nothing comes to mind yeah i mean i'm really like sorry

00:39:35.520 I want to have a sad story like yours, but it was a pretty charmed life for me.

00:39:41.780 Bewitched.

00:39:42.280 I have one from middle school, though, that comes to my mind constantly.

00:39:46.480 Sometimes when I'm just walking down the street in the middle of a busy day, I'll go, oh, that happened.

00:39:50.200 Brings you to your knees.

00:39:51.140 I have one like that, too, from middle school.

00:39:53.540 I wanted to be more outgoing at school.

00:39:56.840 That was something I was working on.

00:39:57.840 Because at the time, I wasn't ever shy, but I hadn't figured myself out yet.

00:40:03.200 you know and it's like probably eighth grade and there were these there was this uh student

00:40:06.520 council meeting that was going on and all the cool kids were going to be in there and it was

00:40:09.440 in miss munsterman's class um shout out joy munsterman i hope you're happy girl i'm so sorry

00:40:14.460 i'm not christian anymore but my love to you and and i am gay and i am gay and i don't think she

00:40:20.120 would care about that she's pretty cool she well i don't want to get into it but she um

00:40:23.500 it was a pajama day okay and so i was wearing sleep pants like everyone was and i um i pulled

00:40:28.680 I was like, oh, you know what would be funny is if I pulled my sleep pants up real high.

00:40:32.060 The classic bit.

00:40:33.400 And I was like, weird.

00:40:34.040 And so I was like, everyone will laugh at this.

00:40:38.260 And so I walked into the room, my sleep pants pulled up all high.

00:40:39.920 And I was like, you're not doing that.

00:40:42.660 And everyone did laugh.

00:40:44.140 But everyone, and I, so since everyone laughed, I kept doing it the rest of the day.

00:40:47.300 And finally, one of the cool kids, like two hours later, came over to me.

00:40:50.340 And he was like, he was like, hey, the bit you're doing with your pants, like, I know

00:40:54.460 people are laughing, but it's actually mean because we're getting like a really visible 0.99

00:40:57.980 outline of your ball sack and also your asshole and like your pants are so high up that like 1.00

00:41:03.180 your balls are on like crazy display and also your dick print is like really pronounced and 1.00

00:41:08.520 no one wants to tell you it's actually really fucking gross so go ahead and put that away for 1.00

00:41:14.160 me and i literally he's back in the holster he's telling me this way in the hallway while the pants 0.94

00:41:18.460 are up and i'm just standing there receiving it and he tells me all that he goes he goes he goes

00:41:23.040 I don't want to tell you.

00:41:23.740 And I go, thank you, Cooper.

00:41:25.980 I kind of, during the conversation,

00:41:27.820 I just kind of scooted the pants down.

00:41:30.180 And then I thought I could trust Cooper.

00:41:32.040 And then there's more.

00:41:34.140 So then two months later,

00:41:35.260 well, Cooper always got compliments on smelling really good.

00:41:37.720 And so I thought I could trust him.

00:41:39.400 And so two months later at an assembly,

00:41:40.960 I was sitting by him.

00:41:41.940 I was like, okay,

00:41:42.660 I know how I can be really popular

00:41:44.420 is if I just figure out what cologne Cooper wears.

00:41:46.840 And he'll probably tell me

00:41:47.760 because he was so cool to me about the pants.

00:41:49.120 Yeah, that's your girl.

00:41:50.200 That's my boy.

00:41:51.280 It was cool about the nutsack thing.

00:41:53.620 He was so chill about my moose knuckle.

00:41:55.680 He was so chill about it. 1.00

00:41:56.820 That's fucking Ohana. 1.00

00:42:00.400 That's fucking Familia right there. 1.00

00:42:01.900 That's Familia right there. 1.00

00:42:04.140 That's Gang, that's Fam.

00:42:04.800 That's Gang, that's Fam.

00:42:05.780 And so I said, Cooper, I said, Cooper, I said, Cooper, what cologne do you wear?

00:42:09.680 And he said, oh, it's just like, I don't know if my mom gets it for me.

00:42:12.600 And I go, oh yeah, but like, what is it?

00:42:15.780 And he goes, I really don't know if my mom gets it for me.

00:42:18.020 And during this whole assembly, I just keep, every time I get a chance, being like,

00:42:20.780 Cooper do you even know

00:42:21.800 Like what the bottle looks like

00:42:22.880 You know

00:42:24.080 And like

00:42:25.160 But I'm trying to play it cool

00:42:28.320 So I'm like

00:42:28.940 Yeah I almost wonder

00:42:29.580 What the shape the bottle looks

00:42:30.760 You know

00:42:31.560 And he's like

00:42:33.120 Oh yeah I don't remember man

00:42:34.400 And like literally

00:42:35.600 I'm being so persistent

00:42:36.940 Because I don't know

00:42:37.420 I think I'm being coy

00:42:38.840 You know

00:42:39.160 And then finally I go

00:42:40.860 I need to know

00:42:41.740 What clone you are 0.94

00:42:42.520 And you're gonna 1.00

00:42:44.120 Fucking tell me 0.99

00:42:45.220 Now 1.00

00:42:45.720 And he goes

00:42:46.520 If I tell you

00:42:47.440 Will you just stop talking to me

00:42:48.600 And I go

00:42:49.840 And I go

00:42:50.720 yeah

00:42:51.260 and he did

00:42:54.180 and he did

00:42:54.980 and it was lucky you

00:42:56.040 it was lucky you

00:42:57.600 cologne for men

00:42:58.540 and I

00:42:59.320 that night

00:43:00.160 when I got home

00:43:00.660 I was like

00:43:00.960 mom you have to get me

00:43:01.780 lucky you cologne 0.99

00:43:02.580 the fact that you're 1.00

00:43:05.880 fucking interrogating him 0.99

00:43:08.100 no 0.99

00:43:08.680 it really was like

00:43:09.760 it was like scenic

00:43:10.940 the way it played out

00:43:11.440 like he would be

00:43:12.100 talking to other people

00:43:12.760 he'd be like talking

00:43:13.500 to the boys

00:43:13.940 and like cutting up

00:43:14.500 and then there was

00:43:14.840 a moment of silence

00:43:15.420 I'd be like

00:43:15.760 anyway Coop

00:43:16.840 I'm imagining you

00:43:20.160 having to repeat because he can't

00:43:21.660 it gets a little loud. Cooper.

00:43:24.220 Cooper. Cooper.

00:43:26.240 No, like I was saying, speaking of

00:43:28.180 smells. You guys are fucking 1.00

00:43:29.840 no, you guys are so funny. Cooper, what color 1.00

00:43:32.280 is the box it comes in?

00:43:35.720 What places

00:43:36.500 does your mom shop regularly? 1.00

00:43:38.140 Which department store would you say

00:43:39.840 if I'm getting, if I listed some,

00:43:42.160 would you say hot or cold?

00:43:43.480 Yeah, text your mom. Cooper, what are

00:43:46.160 the top notes? 1.00

00:43:46.880 Is it like a musk

00:43:49.840 Amber? I'm gonna come over 1.00

00:43:51.720 What if I come over after school dude

00:43:53.860 You can show me what the bottle is 0.99

00:43:55.680 He's like god damn man 0.99

00:43:57.220 Interpreting all of that as friendship 0.99

00:43:59.140 By the way what I know now is he didn't want to

00:44:01.840 Tell me the clone because he didn't want to be clone brothers

00:44:03.620 With me

00:44:03.980 He didn't want me running around smelling like him

00:44:07.760 Because that lowers his stock value

00:44:09.300 That is real

00:44:09.840 He didn't want me on the rise

00:44:11.320 He was the original gatekeeper 1.00

00:44:14.360 He said you're fat gay ass 1.00

00:44:16.820 It's not going to bring down my stock value. 1.00

00:44:18.960 You smell like that fat cake kid. 0.96

00:44:29.100 Cooper, 0.99

00:44:30.060 Cooper, why do you smell like sleep pants?

00:44:38.680 That's my nickname.

00:44:40.060 Why do you smell like ball sack sleep pants kid? 0.98

00:44:42.080 You smell like that kid that was hanging brain in homeroom. 1.00

00:44:46.820 you smell like that fat faggot 1.00

00:44:54.320 and he knew and he knew he knew to kick you because the first thing i did when i found out 1.00

00:45:06.720 was go get a bottle honey he just didn't stop you're like no but for real like for real for 0.67

00:45:12.620 real though like let's get real you can't give a mouse a cookie he gave me one kindness

00:45:16.680 he gave me one kindness no because you give a mouse cookie and he's going to macy's after

00:45:20.980 he said hey man everyone's tired of seeing your ball sack and i say you're family 0.99

00:45:27.620 you're blood to me pimp he was home and talked shit i have i have no way of knowing because 0.99

00:45:33.560 i never checked back in but i can i could almost guarantee you he switched clones call cooper the 0.99

00:45:38.240 you just called your mom get coupons skype yeah fans listening at home do the over under on whether

00:45:44.660 or not me and cooper are still in touch everyone everyone run some bets i'll let you know you 0.56

00:45:51.120 pulling up your pants for a bit yeah just dancing around i will say as a fellow fatty um previously

00:45:58.100 there was there was something very i call it the chris farley bit yeah it's the funny of like you 0.56

00:46:04.500 know yeah pull up your tuck it under your little truffle shuffle yes yeah yeah i mean it's the

00:46:09.440 classic like chippendales chris farley skit of like they just love to see that sort of it'll

00:46:14.120 kill every time until it doesn't oh yeah until coop has to get real with you in the hallway

00:46:17.940 that is not that great until he does a one-on-one in the hall he's like hey can i talk to you outside 0.89

00:46:22.740 for a second performance review yeah until until i've got coop up against a wall with a knife to 0.99

00:46:26.860 his neck asking him what the fucking cologne is what's the cologne brother no seriously hey you're 0.99

00:46:34.300 will you leave me alone and you said yeah because i had i said i know how i'm getting ahead 0.99

00:46:44.940 give me the formula

00:46:46.580 in high school what did you what were you in student council and what else well by high school

00:46:58.500 yeah i had pretty much figured out how to be what people wanted me to be so things were going better

00:47:02.760 I wasn't having any Cooper interactions anymore.

00:47:04.500 Oh, this was middle school.

00:47:05.540 This was middle school.

00:47:06.200 So I leveled it out by high school.

00:47:07.260 High school was pretty fine.

00:47:08.540 I was in everything.

00:47:09.360 I was in like FCCLA, FBLA, FFA, student council.

00:47:13.600 You were not in FFA.

00:47:14.740 Maybe I was Creed speaking, soils team, and cattle team.

00:47:17.700 I judged cattle in high school.

00:47:19.240 We've talked about this actually.

00:47:20.260 Did you really?

00:47:20.920 I judged cattle in high school.

00:47:22.280 Yes, I did.

00:47:22.880 He's a real agrarian.

00:47:24.140 I'm an agrarian.

00:47:24.500 Sounds like it.

00:47:25.260 Yeah.

00:47:25.500 Well, I joined because they had a public speaking.

00:47:26.960 They had Creed speaking. 0.97

00:47:28.140 And I wanted to do, I was like, watch me body the fuck out of that.

00:47:31.500 Creed, you're just singing Creed.

00:47:32.440 Can you take me higher?

00:47:34.060 Creed the smell.

00:47:35.080 Can you take me higher?

00:47:37.160 No, but I wanted to do the Creed speaking,

00:47:39.660 but you had to be on three teams.

00:47:40.520 That was the rule.

00:47:41.080 And so they put me on Soil's team,

00:47:42.900 which I was pretty promptly kicked off of.

00:47:45.180 I didn't like, you had to touch the dirt.

00:47:46.360 And every time I was like...

00:47:47.560 But you were so familiar with it as a child, apparently.

00:47:50.340 Things have changed by now.

00:47:51.120 Blue collar.

00:47:51.900 That was when he was blue collar, though. 0.93

00:47:53.420 You guys aren't keeping up with my law. 0.95

00:47:54.400 You might as well be speaking Mandarin to me, 1.00

00:47:55.760 because this shit is too white for me. 1.00

00:47:57.140 I don't know what any of that means. 1.00

00:47:58.340 That's like redneck shit. 1.00

00:47:59.560 It's real southern shit. 1.00

00:48:00.980 Yeah. 1.00

00:48:01.260 And it's like, that's your high school?

00:48:03.740 Yeah.

00:48:04.160 That's crazy.

00:48:04.740 Not too much now.

00:48:06.400 Y'all tread lightly, but yes.

00:48:08.060 We had FFA, and it was, I mean, we never saw them.

00:48:12.280 It was like they went to a different school.

00:48:13.980 They're in the act building, yes.

00:48:14.960 They're in the act building and the portables.

00:48:16.600 Do you have portables?

00:48:17.200 Yes.

00:48:17.740 Yeah. 0.99

00:48:18.080 They said, get the fuck out of here. 1.00

00:48:19.580 They smell like swine. 1.00

00:48:20.880 Yeah. 0.97

00:48:21.440 We had our prom in a hog sale building.

00:48:24.120 We had our prom in a hog barn.

00:48:27.500 And they were like, don't worry, they're going to sweep it out. 0.98

00:48:29.420 And I was like, they're going to sweep it out.

00:48:31.480 Well, thank God I was worried about them not sweeping it out. 0.99

00:48:34.420 I was like, there's hog shit in the construction of the place. 1.00

00:48:38.020 It's in the essence of the building. 1.00

00:48:40.040 And you know what? 1.00

00:48:40.540 Asbestos and hog shit. 1.00

00:48:42.020 Egg on my face. 1.00

00:48:42.620 It was a beautiful dance. 1.00

00:48:43.880 My junior year of prom, that's when I said no to Billy, but I went with a Mormon dude 1.00

00:48:49.280 and it was the worst time I've ever had in my entire life. 1.00

00:48:51.780 Could you describe the ambience?

00:48:53.460 What music was playing?

00:48:54.820 Are you wearing a sleeveless cocktail gown?

00:48:57.760 oh yeah no i had a full length like sleeveless lots of tulle on the bottom it was like an aqua 1.00

00:49:04.800 turquoisey blue you curved billy for a mormon yeah fuck me honestly call me brother 0.98

00:49:09.880 you've been put through too much by this woman it's funny too because he actually texted dason 0.99

00:49:16.580 and was like hey do you think drew would go to prom with me and he's like please and he said

00:49:20.920 please don't tell her and then she goes oh my god dude guess who just texted me tells me tells me

00:49:25.260 immediately like minutes after queen and then no loyalty and i was like i can't because like at

00:49:30.160 the time there's drama at the time but he had broken up with a girl who was friends with me

00:49:33.480 and i was like i just didn't want the drums yeah and so i was trying to be a good friend girl's

00:49:37.200 girl yeah from the beginning oh my jew yeah and then i was like i can't do that even though they

00:49:42.620 had been broken up for like two years i was just like she's my friend and i think you know whatever

00:49:45.960 and so that was a big l on my part to be honest because she she literally said she said no that's

00:49:51.520 did she text him she said no he said he said it's actually no worries and then he ended up going

00:49:59.620 with somebody else and then i went with the mormon and i had the worst night of my life so the eggs

00:50:02.940 on my face honestly you can't have caffeine or anything can't win them all the mormon part of 0.83

00:50:07.200 him was honestly the least of his worries like he was just the most off-putting person i've ever met 0.98

00:50:12.060 in my entire fucking life and i say this to this day if i ever meet him i'm putting him on his 0.99

00:50:16.100 back bitch and not in a good way i'm not in the way he wants no i'm beating the shit out of him 0.99

00:50:20.340 is what i'm saying he's the fucking worst like he it's funny too because when we first met each 0.99

00:50:25.860 other like because we barely knew each other too on top of that so when we met and we were talking 0.98

00:50:29.660 he's like what's your type and i'm like oh like someone nice and funny like say something real

00:50:34.380 general i'm like what about you he goes i like short white girls with glasses now i don't know

00:50:39.300 if you know anything about what i look like caleb um cooper probably and i was like i like short

00:50:46.540 white girls with glasses no game at all no game at all oh i like short white girls with glasses

00:50:51.200 and that was the girlfriend he had right and he broke up with her to go to prom with me and then

00:50:55.980 after he went to prom with me he went and got back with her a man that lied to himself you don't even 0.99

00:50:59.540 have glasses yeah no shit girl i actually do wear glasses too and i because i'm blind as fuck but 0.99

00:51:04.340 like i purposely didn't wear them because i didn't want him to think that i was wearing them for him 0.99

00:51:08.840 so i was just blind all weekend i was like like we just fucking daphne's head ass like walking 0.99

00:51:14.140 around his version of the story is yeah i tried to take this girl on a date and she fucking 0.98

00:51:17.480 couldn't see it was so she was so weird she was like i was helping her helping her across the 1.00

00:51:21.620 street she asked for the menu in braille and then she kept pulling up her pajama pants and dancing 1.00

00:51:26.940 around like it was a bit she had balls i don't know all of a sudden i saw an imprint i don't know

00:51:33.280 it was a whole thing i don't know it was weird it was a problem and it's funny because he brought

00:51:37.140 a friend from my sister and he was like oh i'm gonna bring one of the two guys that i had already

00:51:42.300 you went senior are you talking about senior year this was my junior year that her senior year

00:51:45.780 and you took him yeah i took him okay okay got it but he was like i'll bring a friend and then

00:51:51.380 we can go like with your sister i'm like okay cool and the two guys that he had with him that

00:51:56.900 i had already met were like this guy was like half some he was someone too the guy that i went with

00:52:01.400 the other two guys one of them was like hawaiian one was like tongan they're both good looking

00:52:05.120 dudes all three of them were really good looking and so i was like okay yeah either one sure

00:52:08.960 whichever one's available and he's like okay he picks one he's like i'm gonna bring him can't come

00:52:13.720 then the other guy he's like i'm gonna bring him he can't come he's like don't worry i have another

00:52:17.360 friend but won't send me a picture i'm like yeah i'm like i need to well can you send me a picture

00:52:22.340 he goes well i'll look for one and then when they're on the way to like our house it's hard

00:52:27.100 to get a picture of him because he maintains a bell tower in notre dame he's really booked

00:52:32.520 honestly he's busy as hell he's up there he's actually guarding the the gates of tartarus so

00:52:38.900 he's a little he's a little busy he's a little busy um girl he shows up i'm not kidding he looked

00:52:46.300 40 like he was bald well white guy but he looked he was in high school yeah and he left his heart

00:52:55.520 and then literally dason goes 0.98

00:52:57.280 first of all ditches him the whole night but then she goes like yeah he fucking brought a 1.00

00:53:05.200 substitute teacher for me that shit is so real dude she's like oh yeah i'm a lesbian like it's 1.00

00:53:14.840 just the way that she was like oh yeah i'm gay wait that is disrespectful this will never happen 1.00

00:53:19.120 to me again you guys are never doing this shit to me again but i'll say the worst night worst 0.99

00:53:24.640 part of the whole night well my dance was like i don't know like southern california dance maybe 0.99

00:53:29.720 it's just exclusive to my high school but like the way that they dance is crazy like this is the year

00:53:34.620 We were like, don't drop that.

00:53:35.820 It came out.

00:53:36.560 Hey, ladies, right? 0.94

00:53:37.660 Hey, TBT. 1.00

00:53:38.540 All of that.

00:53:39.360 And so, you know, people are freaking and they're grinding and they're being weird.

00:53:42.640 I knew he was Mormon.

00:53:43.780 He had told me every dance he had been to, they had a live band. 0.99

00:53:46.180 So I'm assuming they didn't play that shit over in St. George, Utah. 0.98

00:53:49.700 So I literally told him, I'm like, play a Sweet Caroline acoustic version. 0.99

00:53:53.240 Enough.

00:53:53.900 Not Sweet Caroline.

00:53:55.420 For real.

00:53:56.760 It's like that proud to be an American song. 1.00

00:53:59.200 That fuck. 1.00

00:53:59.920 That's my song. 1.00

00:54:01.460 Light on that.

00:54:02.260 Light on that.

00:54:02.640 I didn't know we were talking politics.

00:54:04.620 And I'm proud to be an American, where at least I proudly stand up. 0.99

00:54:11.180 That song fucks, dude. 1.00

00:54:12.820 Lee Greenwood, you will always be famous, bitch. 1.00

00:54:16.400 And I warned him. 1.00

00:54:18.460 I said, hey, my school doesn't get down like that.

00:54:21.160 So just be prepared for what you see when you go in there.

00:54:24.320 I don't want you to freak out.

00:54:25.460 When he sees people grinding, he's like, we're in a haunted house.

00:54:29.920 But then he kind of calms down a little bit.

00:54:32.400 So I'm like, hey, do you want to dance?

00:54:33.820 and he's like we are dancing but we're like standing next to each other i'm like no like

00:54:38.620 do you want to dance together like it doesn't have to be crazy or whatever and he was like

00:54:41.880 no like just instantly disgusted with me and then he goes that goes against god that's what he said

00:54:48.240 to me and i was like mind you it's a saturday so then i go well i mean you could ask for

00:54:53.240 forgiveness tomorrow i'm thinking it's funny right and then he goes that's not funny and

00:54:59.220 then he walks away from me oh no in the sense that no no that's not well i was like well that's 0.96

00:55:05.820 what i was saying i just immediately go dace why would you say that that's fucked up dace that's 0.96

00:55:09.580 really fucking mean seriously you know he's a Mormon so then that made it awkward for a little 0.97

00:55:14.520 and then once he kind of comes back around again he stops being weird and then ish and then we're 0.99

00:55:19.760 outside and we're kind of he's kind of vibing a little bit he's like being a little nicer 0.97

00:55:23.520 like a little more touchy whatever the fuck to me i'm like okay maybe he's calming the fuck down 0.97

00:55:28.460 and then uh his buddy you know the substitute teacher he was like hey you should show them 0.98

00:55:33.440 your your favorite dance move right and he goes oh yeah i have the best dance move ever stands up

00:55:39.680 i'm not kidding he's like well it's two parts right the first part you're unscrewing a light

00:55:45.180 bulb right mormon and he's at the second the other hand you use and you pretend that you're 1.00

00:55:50.140 shoving a dildo up your ass i'm not kidding i'm not kidding this is the same man who told me i 1.00

00:55:58.440 was a fucking whore for wanting to dance with him what and then he starts pretending i'm not 1.00

00:56:04.000 kidding he's literally doing this and he's like shoving the dildo up his butt metaphorically of 1.00

00:56:09.260 direct tv remote up the ass girl and he's literally going like this and he's like shoving 0.99

00:56:18.940 and he's like laughing and the way guttural shock and horror the way me and dason are like 0.98

00:56:24.780 ah like we're watching and we're like and then i i'm not kidding i was like

00:56:29.260 and then i go i have to go to the bathroom and i went to the bathroom 0.99

00:56:35.100 and i was like i fucking hate him dude i hate him he's the worst 0.99

00:56:43.820 i look so good and i shouldn't have gone a fucking weirdo i'm like screaming 0.99

00:56:51.000 he can probably hear me by the way 0.99

00:56:53.840 meanwhile cut you in the rafters

00:56:55.120 Billy's up there just

00:56:55.920 he's like 1.00

00:56:58.180 get what you pay for bitch 1.00

00:56:59.280 he gives him a hundred dollars 1.00

00:57:00.360 he's like

00:57:00.760 did you show her the dildo part 0.85

00:57:01.920 you did the dildo thing 0.96

00:57:05.200 it's okay 0.98

00:57:05.580 make sure she'll love it

00:57:06.560 you should do it

00:57:07.180 he's thumbing off hundreds

00:57:09.040 he's like

00:57:10.660 you could have gone farther 0.82

00:57:11.320 with the dildo thing 0.90

00:57:12.020 it was good stuff 0.69

00:57:13.140 he leaned a little too heavy

00:57:14.140 into the light bulb

00:57:14.620 and not enough 0.85

00:57:15.100 until the dildo

00:57:15.680 the light bulb

00:57:17.420 it's such a classic 1.00

00:57:18.620 Christian like wholesome

00:57:19.520 like he

00:57:20.160 the mixture of those two he was like yeah so basically you have a shopping cart with one hand

00:57:24.180 and you're shopping picking stuff out and they're getting sloppy from a bad 0.83

00:57:27.240 fucking hard left like i was like 0.98

00:57:34.080 then i become religious 1.00

00:57:38.200 he's doing the little thing he's like who's mormon now bitch he's like 0.99

00:57:42.220 you want to ask for forgiveness for this yeah that's what i thought 1.00

00:57:47.180 oh my god the way it was so like cash to them i was like yo 0.97

00:57:53.020 horror it's crazy what a religious mind will rationalize no girl the homoeroticism is just 0.79

00:58:00.380 out of control no one loves man more than man seriously it's like like primates girl it is 1.00

00:58:06.920 it's like you're picking bugs with one hand and then you're shoving a dildo up your butt with 0.99

00:58:15.900 and then he literally said dildo and i'm like you said freaking and grinding was against god but you 0.99

00:58:21.840 know what a dildo is nasty work you won't hit the dougie with me but we're doing the cat daddy's too 1.00

00:58:28.780 far but shoving a fake penis up your butt is not the cupid shuffle is of the devil well dildo up 1.00

00:58:35.380 the ass well that's different because it's a joke a dildo just crashed into the pentagon 1.00

00:58:39.320 a dildo just hit the cock a gun 1.00

00:58:41.780 shit that's funny 1.00

00:58:47.640 like I feel like the embarrassment 0.98

00:58:50.040 kind of stopped in high school

00:58:52.040 like college I was like I'm actually the coolest

00:58:54.020 yeah same like I really came into my own

00:58:55.740 yeah same what about you Caleb

00:58:57.160 yeah you're all kind of been that girl

00:58:59.780 there's the Cooper situation

00:59:00.540 and then high school I was just like a total

00:59:03.780 like high school I was just like uptight I think

00:59:05.540 actually you know what I did a show in DC

00:59:07.940 two weeks ago

00:59:09.720 and a very good friend of mine

00:59:10.880 from high school

00:59:11.520 came up to me.

00:59:13.340 I do a whole story

00:59:14.460 about how uptight I was

00:59:15.260 as a teenager

00:59:15.780 and how I thought I was...

00:59:17.200 I look back now

00:59:18.240 and I go, 1.00

00:59:18.440 that kid's a loser. 1.00

00:59:19.120 If I had a kid 1.00

00:59:19.680 and he acted the way

00:59:20.120 I acted in high school,

00:59:20.660 I'd be like,

00:59:21.000 God, 1.00

00:59:21.720 fucking shut up. 1.00

00:59:24.500 We need to get him 1.00

00:59:25.200 some pussy. 1.00

00:59:25.700 Yeah, God, 1.00

00:59:26.260 get this kid laid 1.00

00:59:26.940 so he'll shut the fuck up. 1.00

00:59:28.020 He's 16. 1.00

00:59:28.860 I was getting pussy. 1.00

00:59:31.000 Believe it. 1.00

00:59:31.960 I just didn't want it.

00:59:33.020 It was light work.

00:59:34.380 It was giving me

00:59:35.040 the heebie-jeebies

00:59:35.540 but I was in there.

00:59:36.120 And my friend was like, I think you're, I don't think you're very, I don't, I liked

00:59:42.320 who you were in high school.

00:59:43.060 I don't think you're being very nice to that person.

00:59:44.820 And I'm like, I don't know.

00:59:46.740 I think I was a nerd and you just were too.

00:59:49.400 Yeah.

00:59:49.880 I think we both need to be more honest with ourselves.

00:59:51.960 Yeah.

00:59:52.580 Cool came like in my twenties.

00:59:54.200 I got cool.

00:59:54.960 I feel that.

00:59:55.660 I think the shift though was, I don't know if either of us have, if any of us have talked

00:59:58.620 about this, the shift for me on coolness was that I think I was always, when I was younger,

01:00:02.680 I was always waiting, trying to find the thing that would bring coolness to me.

01:00:05.660 like what interest

01:00:06.760 or what clothes

01:00:07.460 or what group of friends

01:00:08.200 would make me cool

01:00:09.000 and the shift in my 20s

01:00:10.740 my early 20s

01:00:12.220 that made me actually feel cool

01:00:13.460 was going

01:00:13.960 nothing brings me coolness

01:00:15.280 I bring coolness

01:00:15.920 to everything else

01:00:16.580 period

01:00:16.940 what I like

01:00:17.920 people I hang out with

01:00:18.820 what I wear

01:00:19.300 what I listen to

01:00:19.920 it's cool because I'm there

01:00:21.060 period

01:00:21.440 I'm not cool because it's here

01:00:22.700 yeah like the confidence

01:00:23.800 is what speaks louder

01:00:25.300 than anything

01:00:25.840 so like you could like

01:00:26.900 or hate anything

01:00:28.180 and you could still make friends

01:00:29.500 who like or love

01:00:30.200 the same things

01:00:30.900 yeah

01:00:31.140 but it's just like you

01:00:32.480 being confident

01:00:33.380 in who you are

01:00:34.040 if you don't like it 1.00

01:00:34.620 fuck you 1.00

01:00:34.880 what I like is cool 1.00

01:00:35.720 and so you're not cool

01:00:36.820 if you don't like it

01:00:37.320 and that shift was like really

01:00:38.620 it was yeah

01:00:39.480 not just looking for someone

01:00:40.340 to be like

01:00:40.680 I wanted people to tell me

01:00:41.640 I was cool

01:00:42.060 and then when you

01:00:43.180 when you just go

01:00:43.780 oh I don't care about that

01:00:45.240 as soon as you stop caring

01:00:46.620 it's like

01:00:47.100 it just flocks to you

01:00:48.900 almost

01:00:49.240 like friends and community

01:00:50.540 and all of that

01:00:51.020 I think it's also like

01:00:51.720 what does cool mean

01:00:52.680 like I would much rather

01:00:53.440 have a genuine time

01:00:54.780 where I'm peeing my pants

01:00:55.860 with people that like

01:00:56.700 aren't cool

01:00:57.820 I mean

01:00:58.280 you know

01:00:58.560 that's why I'm not with you guys

01:00:59.900 it doesn't

01:01:00.560 cause you guys make me laugh

01:01:01.580 so hard

01:01:01.800 but you guys are not

01:01:02.440 it's not cool 1.00

01:01:03.180 you guys are fucking weirdo losers 1.00

01:01:04.640 yeah at least we smell good though 1.00

01:01:07.060 at least we smell good 1.00

01:01:08.340 that bad gay kid 1.00

01:01:12.240 kinda 1.00

01:01:13.640 god I hate it 1.00

01:01:16.480 shit he smells just like you now 1.00

01:01:18.440 can't wear it anymore 1.00

01:01:19.400 when I got to college I found like

01:01:22.720 my like bestie besties

01:01:24.740 like my like the people I'm still friends with

01:01:26.680 to this day and I was just

01:01:28.780 telling Billy this the other day I'm like I realized

01:01:30.840 to especially in writing my book

01:01:32.540 I realized that like when I

01:01:34.220 such a slay thing to say. Period.

01:01:36.220 And when I was publishing my book, I was like writing

01:01:38.300 my very first book that will be published. It is published

01:01:40.340 now. You just threw that away like a Truman Capote

01:01:42.260 interview. I love it. That's my

01:01:44.280 favorite thing about an old Truman Capote interview. He'd be like

01:01:46.180 I was at dinner with

01:01:47.700 Oh, I think it was

01:01:50.120 Marilyn Monroe. 0.99

01:01:52.720 He just fucking tosses it away 0.99

01:01:54.460 like it's nothing. When I was 0.99

01:01:56.140 writing my first book

01:01:57.820 I love it. It's so good.

01:02:00.420 I love it. I was always like writing

01:02:02.220 like unpacking a lot of stuff I did in college I was like I realized that my best friends at the

01:02:07.740 time all women right I had a couple guy friends that I was really close to too but like I had

01:02:12.120 never met a group of women before outside of my own family like my mom and sister that were so 0.97

01:02:16.980 confident in who they were in all aspects like being smart being funny being like like I don't

01:02:23.540 know like confident about what they looked like and also who they were as people but also women

01:02:28.500 who were so confident in their sexual autonomy like i'd never had friends like that before like 0.99

01:02:33.240 women who were so like yeah i fucked him and it sucked uh don't do that it was so cash to them 0.99

01:02:38.200 that i was like period because i'd never hung out with women who were so cash about stuff like it 0.99

01:02:42.580 was always so like oh like dating like you know when you're in high school it's like the way it's

01:02:47.460 perceived is so different and the religious lens as well where it's just like it's so much more

01:02:51.460 serious yeah you know and they were so cash about everything and like yeah so a couple of my friends

01:02:56.260 were raised religious and weren't at all and one of my friends like to this day like she the first 0.96

01:03:01.300 time i met her like we were talking about dating or whatever she was like oh i was a big whore in 0.98

01:03:05.040 high school i fucked everybody and i was like oh did you she's like yeah men women everyone 1.00

01:03:10.260 she's my friend now no and she's like yeah everyone uh but yeah she was just so like what 0.99

01:03:21.200 about it period period bitch that's my fucking girl i love that she's still my friend to this 0.99

01:03:25.680 day oh i love that i love when we become like real adults and then they're like i don't like 0.99

01:03:30.820 remember saying that also i do i remember i remember you saying that verbatim changed me

01:03:36.080 as a woman i remember i remember everything i'm here i'm in it dating in college was a mess you 0.91

01:03:41.280 have the memory of an elephant i do it scares me we would go out and get fucked up like i was the 0.83

01:03:46.280 only one that would remember every single thing so the next morning yeah the next morning i'm 0.87

01:03:50.580 downloading all the information the next morning they'd be like well everyone like let's get

01:03:55.140 together like everyone someone wake drew up so we can remember what happened because a lot of my

01:03:58.160 friends would black out i never blacked out i think i blacked out once one time it was the very

01:04:02.760 last time like one of the last times i drank tequila because i like couldn't do it i couldn't

01:04:07.420 do it the way i used to drink in high school can't do it now i did not drink in high school or not

01:04:11.940 high school sorry college college college i couldn't do it every time i'm like i'll tell

01:04:15.760 drew a story and then i'll i'll like because it'll be fresh in my mind and i'll say it and

01:04:20.260 then it'll be like a month will go by and she's like remember when you said this and i'm like

01:04:22.660 and then i'll paraphrase it she's like no you said this and i'm like i've done probably that's

01:04:30.840 what happened that's why i remembered everything that happened when we met beyonce oh you're thank 0.71

01:04:34.940 god for you i black out a lot it sucks it really does suck because of liquor and not liquor and 0.97

01:04:40.360 just adrenaline i guess the testosterone pumping through my fucking body you know what i mean did 0.99

01:04:46.180 you have a fun time partying in college caleb no i dd'd did you really yeah i was a dd for my 0.99

01:04:51.800 fraternity you were in a fraternity yeah all four years what really yeah you know that's shocking to

01:04:59.480 me well i thought i was gonna go to law school my whole plan going to college was to go to law

01:05:02.200 school i had that sort of mental breakdown as well yeah oh yeah and it was a long one i went

01:05:05.560 that was all of high school and uh first year or two of college we didn't have it 0.98

01:05:10.040 fuck did you do a model you in we didn't have it baby baby i didn't go to a good school 0.97

01:05:14.760 you were working the field 1.00

01:05:18.120 they had me judging cattle

01:05:22.220 you were not

01:05:24.160 arguing the defense yeah honey we didn't have

01:05:26.060 speech and debate

01:05:26.740 I had to go pick up a goat and learn how to tie its feet together

01:05:30.160 type beat 1.00

01:05:32.060 type shit 1.00

01:05:33.740 shearing animals 0.99

01:05:35.180 I was picking up dirt and going good for corn

01:05:37.420 crazy

01:05:38.100 I did that for like a year 1.00

01:05:41.740 and they were like get your gay ass out of here 1.00

01:05:43.260 harvest will be good this year shut the fuck up shut your bitch ass yeah i no i was not a big uh 1.00

01:05:51.080 big partier in college no i was dating in college for both of you i didn't date in college no one 1.00

01:05:56.080 wanted me i fucked i was fucking in college no one wanted to date me i remember texting one of 0.97

01:06:01.780 my hookups who i was so in love with and i was like do you want to get breakfast in the morning 0.99

01:06:05.240 and he was like busy oh need him medically it always made it worse yeah i was like he's rejecting 0.95

01:06:13.080 me i think he's the one yeah i just need to try a little harder i was i was fucking a lot of guys 0.86

01:06:18.580 in college who if they were saw with me if they were seen with me in daylight we would both 0.87

01:06:21.780 evaporate yeah it was like yeah that was having a lot of hookups where it was like you know i'd

01:06:25.820 see him on campus and be like oh what's up and he'd be like you know yeah are you lost that guy's 1.00

01:06:31.240 talking to you by the way yeah i think he's trying to get home you smell like that fat gay guy 1.00

01:06:34.900 you smell like each other it's cooper 1.00

01:06:38.860 good to see you hey baby

01:06:43.220 one time i was i was kind of dating this guy and i he told me to meet him at the club romantic 1.00

01:06:49.140 and so i go and you know you're doing that that uh broke bitch shit where you're like 1.00

01:06:53.820 god i'm so thirsty god i wish i had a drink god so thirsty it's so hot in here and then normally 0.99

01:07:01.080 it works uh but then when him he's like i'm not buying drinks here they're too fucking expensive 0.74

01:07:04.480 right and then i was like okay brokey even though i had no money but i like go up and i buy myself 0.71

01:07:10.840 the one drink i can afford so ice in a cup yeah i was like can you just put maraschino cherries

01:07:15.760 in a cup and pretend yeah soda water don't charge me yep so i got one drink and then i i turned

01:07:21.060 around and i'm going back to my friends and he goes hey do you want to hook me up and i was like

01:07:24.760 with what and he brought his own red solo cup into the club he had it he had it crushed in the

01:07:30.720 waistband of his pants took it out punched it out like that and then i'm not kidding and men wonder 0.91

01:07:37.380 why they don't deserve rights oh they wonder why i fucking hate them going splitsville on one vodka 0.96

01:07:44.200 cran i hate when you tell that story about billy because he has turned out he's turned out to be 0.97

01:07:49.740 such a great and that's what i get for saying no to him at prom yeah yeah i have never seen broker 0.99

01:07:54.100 shit in my fucking life i was like are you being dead ass like you want me to you want me to split 1.00

01:07:58.960 my drink in that dirty solo 1.00

01:08:01.220 cup you just pulled. You want me to smoke you out with this vodka soda? 0.93

01:08:04.380 For real, fuck. 1.00

01:08:05.340 He's got gooch stench in it 1.00

01:08:07.100 because it was in the fucking waistline of his pants. 1.00

01:08:09.060 There's like a little crack in the side of it because he 0.99

01:08:10.900 folded it up to put it in. So he's gotta hold it with a finger

01:08:12.980 right on the crack. He's gotta plug it.

01:08:15.800 Plug the hole.

01:08:16.760 Got the thumb running up the side holding the crack. I was

01:08:18.900 just thinking last night. I went on a date last night

01:08:21.060 and I had such a good time and I was thinking

01:08:23.040 why didn't I date more in my early 20s? Because I was

01:08:24.980 in Chicago. I was like, I mean, and I was like

01:08:26.960 oh you were fucking broke bitch i had no money at all that's real i was overdrafting my bank 0.99

01:08:32.680 account on like ramen noodles you didn't go on dates because you were broke honey yeah right 1.00

01:08:37.560 after college oh that's real all throughout college i was fucking broke like even when i 0.79

01:08:42.120 had jobs i still felt like i was broke because i was like barely making rent and all that i had a 0.83

01:08:46.760 coming i had a coming to god moment after uh college where i was more broke than i'd ever

01:08:50.980 me because in college honey i was maxing those loans i was loan maxing whatever they would give

01:08:57.480 me fafsa maxing i'm fafsa maxing i would literally i would say throw an extra five thousand on there

01:09:03.300 i'll be i'll be wanting to go out to eat

01:09:05.940 i was just put on when those when those i'm good for it oh baby and i'm not having paid

01:09:12.280 them back to this day i'm refusing i'm refusing default i know they're gonna get paid off the

01:09:16.560 week after i pay them off i'm not doing it me holding out i'm holding out joseph robinette 0.90

01:09:21.480 biden i know you watch bitch forgive them joey joey joey joey hook me up uh yeah i can't but i 0.83

01:09:28.940 was so broke and then yeah after college i was more broke than them because there were no more 0.98

01:09:32.120 student loans coming in you know what i do miss about college bars because it felt expensive but

01:09:39.380 going oh my god if i we could go back yeah like a vodka cram being four dollars and girl i know

01:09:44.820 literally i'm like and close it and close it and close it close the tap close it is there a water

01:09:49.200 fountain around here 0.98

01:09:49.880 that's how you get fucked up before you go yep get one drink sip and nurse the whole night ever 0.98

01:09:59.480 clear gatorade dude the very first drink i ever got fucked up off was gin but we didn't know what 0.98

01:10:07.220 to mix it with so we tried to mix it with orange juice hey don't that's horrible yeah and i why 0.88

01:10:12.500 gin i'm like a 90 i'm in mad men like why am i you john ham spherical ice cubes it's just one

01:10:19.220 it's in my office it's 2 p.m on a monday okay that's why gin was the first time i ever got 0.79

01:10:24.420 fucked up we had a bar in college station called tipsy turtle and we used to do pickle shots and 0.65

01:10:31.460 you could do a normal pickle shot or a spicy one where they would do pickle juice uh vodka and then 0.98

01:10:37.140 a shot of tabasco in it i would suck them down like it was water i mean like six seven eight

01:10:45.280 yes and then there was this other bar that would do and again this is like so not what a college 0.99

01:10:50.680 student should be doing like drink the fucking handle of vodka and go out and dance yeah literally 0.98

01:10:54.720 it was called a breakfast shot get into this you start with um that's going to be a a orange juice 0.99

01:11:01.900 shot okay it's like vodka

01:11:03.200 orange juice mimosa yeah

01:11:04.500 and then you move on to

01:11:05.420 a butterscotch pancake

01:11:07.240 shot which is just I

01:11:09.100 don't know it was like

01:11:09.580 this is at night this

01:11:10.520 is at night it's like a

01:11:11.320 maple flavored liquor you

01:11:12.320 take a shot of that and

01:11:13.000 then they give you a

01:11:13.540 piece of bacon you know

01:11:15.640 what and they throw it

01:11:17.000 into your mouth I might

01:11:20.300 need to get down to 0.99

01:11:20.840 Texas breakfast shot and 1.00

01:11:23.220 that shit was like eight 1.00

01:11:23.920 dollars dude there so 1.00

01:11:25.900 our big move in high

01:11:26.980 school was that and I

01:11:27.940 wasn't a huge drinker in

01:11:28.860 high school but I was

01:11:29.500 definitely trying to like

01:11:30.380 fit in we would do we would go get like uh ocean waters from sonic yep or half into an empty cup

01:11:36.620 and then we would pour in a bunch of uv blue vodka or like malibu yeah oh malibu's real 0.75

01:11:40.980 chernobyl in those fucking cups yep yep so once glowing like my junior or senior year of high 0.93

01:11:47.180 school i will try to tell this story short because it's a little long no my junior year of high 0.99

01:11:50.420 school it could have been senior my friend abby's is a very good friend of mine to this day her dad

01:11:55.040 moved he lived like 20 miles outside of our town and he moved to a new house so his house was empty

01:11:59.280 For a while

01:11:59.760 Yeah

01:12:00.080 It was a big

01:12:00.760 Huge like three story

01:12:01.640 House in the country

01:12:02.320 And we

01:12:03.880 We knew a bunch of kids

01:12:05.440 From the other towns

01:12:06.140 Around where I grew up

01:12:07.340 In very rural Missouri

01:12:08.000 And

01:12:08.940 She was like

01:12:10.240 I'm gonna throw

01:12:10.940 A party

01:12:11.500 And we were like

01:12:12.540 Okay

01:12:12.840 So she threw

01:12:13.520 We invited like

01:12:14.320 All the kids

01:12:14.900 From the other towns

01:12:15.700 Yeah

01:12:16.100 And everyone converged

01:12:16.960 On this house

01:12:17.400 And we threw this big

01:12:18.080 Me picturing like

01:12:18.700 Footloose

01:12:19.280 We can dance here

01:12:21.960 Pa

01:12:22.260 We're dressed like

01:12:24.700 It's from the 50s

01:12:25.440 Yeah

01:12:25.620 That's your Kevin Bacon

01:12:26.540 Yo last night 1.00

01:12:27.860 Was a fucking sock haul 1.00

01:12:28.920 so we threw this big party 1.00

01:12:32.580 and it was a smash hit

01:12:34.120 next day everyone's texting

01:12:35.320 wins the next one

01:12:36.240 right

01:12:36.420 now Project X

01:12:37.460 had come out around this time

01:12:38.340 oh period

01:12:38.800 so we're like okay

01:12:39.780 so we throw another one

01:12:41.060 the next weekend

01:12:41.660 even bigger

01:12:42.680 smash hit

01:12:43.440 everyone's having fun

01:12:44.320 hooking up

01:12:44.700 not me

01:12:45.040 everyone's having fun

01:12:46.060 not me I can't stress that enough

01:12:47.460 everyone's having fun

01:12:47.900 hooking up

01:12:48.220 I'm in the closet

01:12:48.780 so I'm doing bits on the corner

01:12:50.280 literally at one point

01:12:51.860 I'm pulling my pajama pants up again

01:12:53.160 truly

01:12:53.660 all my friends are like

01:12:55.440 making out with hot guys

01:12:56.320 and at one point

01:12:56.940 I set up a fortune telling booth

01:12:58.320 and i was like come over if y'all want your fortunes red tom hanks and big 0.85

01:13:04.120 really like so pathetic reading palms just to touch a man i was like i'll read your palm 0.59

01:13:10.560 rock hard i'm like walking around asking if people need refills 0.95

01:13:16.320 which i still do at parties did that to all of you the other night at my party um a host till

01:13:25.280 you die oh still i die and so we had the second one and then we we we did a big mistake and we 0.94

01:13:29.600 went for a third on the third weekend damn and we should have quit while you're ahead we should 0.94

01:13:33.020 have quit while we're ahead honey and we sure did not and it was bigger than ever and i'm talking 0.94

01:13:35.700 like we said get there at nine we showed up at 8 45 there were already other cars there so we're

01:13:39.600 like this is bad it was the biggest one we had thrown and we everybody's getting super drunk i

01:13:44.040 was getting super drunk that night because there was one guy in my high school that i was convinced

01:13:47.600 was closeted and i was like i'm tonight i'm back at him and i eventually well anyway just to say

01:13:53.840 eventually i'm always right let's just say i was right and but it wasn't that night and so that

01:13:58.580 night i got super drunk on uv blue and everyone's looking up acid truly truly yeah battery acid 0.75

01:14:05.060 everyone's so fucked up and we see sirens and the cops have been called so now the cops are 0.89

01:14:10.320 pulling up and uh everyone hides and we turn off all the lights and we're like they can't come in 0.99

01:14:14.640 without a warrant no one knows what they're talking about and so it's fully we are trespassing

01:14:19.220 so we all hide

01:14:21.700 and they don't come in

01:14:22.560 and then I'm hiding

01:14:24.000 under a pool table

01:14:24.720 so I'm under the pool table

01:14:26.100 and there's shiny

01:14:27.260 flashlights in the windows

01:14:28.140 and they're looking around

01:14:28.840 and they can't see anyone

01:14:29.460 everyone's like up

01:14:30.200 against the walls like this

01:14:31.020 and they shine it

01:14:31.740 under the pool table

01:14:32.300 and it's just me

01:14:32.840 and he goes

01:14:34.720 you

01:14:35.280 and I go 1.00

01:14:36.240 so I see your big ass 1.00

01:14:37.680 by the way 1.00

01:14:38.320 yeah there's not a pool table

01:14:39.420 big enough in the world

01:14:40.040 honey

01:14:40.360 and I whisper

01:14:42.900 I'm like

01:14:43.140 is he talking to me

01:14:44.860 and he goes

01:14:45.660 under the pool table

01:14:46.520 out now

01:14:47.240 so I go 1.00

01:14:49.160 Fuck, guys, they got me. 1.00

01:14:50.440 So I go out. 1.00

01:14:51.060 I go, don't worry, I'm going to go handle it. 1.00

01:14:51.840 Fuck him. 1.00

01:14:53.220 I go out there, and it's the cops. 1.00

01:14:54.960 My grandpa is a deputy sheriff, and so I'm nervous that he's going to be out there.

01:14:57.860 He is not out there.

01:14:59.180 We're in his county.

01:15:00.540 I go out there, and it's this guy.

01:15:02.640 He's being so intense.

01:15:03.620 He's got a flashlight in my face. 0.99

01:15:04.440 He's like, what the fuck's going on? 0.99

01:15:05.340 I tell him, and he goes, here's the deal. 0.99

01:15:06.800 I'm feeling generous tonight.

01:15:08.520 Go down there and get everyone who's sober, who's driving.

01:15:11.120 Put all the drunk people in the car.

01:15:12.580 Sober drive them home and never do this again.

01:15:14.360 I'm not going to give any MIPs.

01:15:16.220 Minor possessions.

01:15:16.860 and I was like

01:15:18.020 thank you so much

01:15:18.800 but we

01:15:19.380 we

01:15:20.480 I found out

01:15:21.640 so I went to gather

01:15:22.480 all the sober people

01:15:23.080 to make sober driving happen

01:15:24.380 but during the time

01:15:25.600 that they had busted me

01:15:26.460 from under the pool table

01:15:27.160 we had a foreign exchange student

01:15:28.640 from Mexico

01:15:29.040 named Carolina

01:15:29.600 and we for some reason

01:15:31.020 were convinced

01:15:31.560 that she would get deported

01:15:32.580 and so

01:15:33.580 if she got caught

01:15:34.740 at this party 0.76

01:15:35.220 I don't know why

01:15:36.060 we were like

01:15:36.420 she'll get deported

01:15:37.020 she's like

01:15:37.720 I'm literally

01:15:38.220 she's like

01:15:38.940 I'm a foreign exchange student

01:15:40.180 like I'm in the program

01:15:40.980 she's not a US citizen 1.00

01:15:42.540 she's not trying to be 0.95

01:15:43.520 so we hid her

01:15:44.960 in a broom closet 0.97

01:15:45.600 and she was in the

01:15:46.600 room closet well no one remembered about her so we so like 30 40 because i think one person thought

01:15:51.600 they were gonna grab carolina the other thought they were and then we we dude we were so paranoid

01:15:56.740 because we thought we got away with murder you know yeah yeah and we're like uh 30 minutes later

01:16:00.460 we're on the road home on the highway home and carolina calls us and she's like i'm scared i'm

01:16:05.300 scared who's coming to get me and she's in the house alone so we like circle back carolina god

01:16:09.540 bless you girl if you're out there i wish you the best so we go back and we're like we're like

01:16:13.660 nervous that the cops are still watching the house so we like turn off our headlights and

01:16:17.380 like creep down a gravel road this is the same day this is the same night okay yeah it's like

01:16:20.840 30 45 minutes later she's been in the broom closet alone so my car we pull up we're pulling

01:16:25.360 down with the lights off down this gravel road and we call her and we go run outside now and

01:16:28.980 get in the trunk we're still convinced she can get deported so if we get pulled over

01:16:33.720 we're like a gravel road away and there's this huge yard between the house and us and we just

01:16:38.560 see in the darkness carolina just sprinting towards the car someone gets out opens the 0.63

01:16:42.780 trunk she hops in and we drive her back that we drive her back in the trunk safe from deportation

01:16:47.100 we got her out of there safe from a threat that didn't uh wasn't gonna happen it's not 1.00

01:16:50.720 but hey fuck border patrol no for real and that being said we said not today bitch fuck ICE bitch 1.00

01:16:56.780 yeah you know what's funny and when I was in college there was a bar right off campus called 1.00

01:17:01.020 tropics and it was known for underage drinking like you could get in pretty easy so like before

01:17:05.400 I had a fake you I would go in early that way when it started popping off like I they wouldn't 0.96

01:17:10.260 check me again but then when they started doing sweeping for that shit my friends would go and 0.76

01:17:14.920 they would like get the stamp and they would she would come right back to me and then press it 0.94

01:17:18.180 and so one time she pressed it to me and i walk in and he goes why is it on that hand because

01:17:25.640 everybody's was on their left and i was like i don't know ask your guy why he stamped my right

01:17:29.200 hand he goes what guy i go he's somewhere in there do you mind if i go in there my purse is in there

01:17:34.140 all my stuff he's like i'm gonna go look for the guy who's allegedly stamped your hand i'm like

01:17:37.780 okay yeah sounds good he turns around i just walked in period me thinking he can't see me 0.98

01:17:42.180 i'm the biggest bitch in there i'm like you're ahead like melman the giraffe 0.98

01:17:46.460 behind everyone but there was this time we left and one of my girlfriends and i get fucked up it 1.00

01:17:52.740 was just the two of us like like drinking all night fucking drinks all night absolutely trash 0.97

01:17:57.320 this is not a good thing but she she said i can drive home and i said can you and i lived i didn't 0.98

01:18:02.700 live too far and she was like no i'm good i'm good and she looked good and i thought she was good so

01:18:07.260 I was like, okay.

01:18:08.180 So I got in the car with her

01:18:09.020 and we're giving two guys a ride home too.

01:18:11.060 And so she's driving

01:18:12.460 and this is not a good thing,

01:18:13.880 but like drunk driving is pretty common in Hawaii.

01:18:15.380 I don't know why,

01:18:16.060 but like it's probably because everything is so close.

01:18:17.720 Not a good, not an excuse.

01:18:19.000 I didn't do it.

01:18:19.900 Anyways, we're driving away.

01:18:21.660 You go, don't do it, but we did it

01:18:22.880 and we had a blast.

01:18:25.080 Do as I say, not as I do. 0.94

01:18:26.700 And so she starts pulling out,

01:18:28.920 immediately pulled over, 0.96

01:18:29.960 like immediately pulled over. 0.67

01:18:31.440 And she's a local girl.

01:18:32.180 Like she's born and raised in Hawaii.

01:18:33.500 Like an HPD, like they're really nice.

01:18:36.300 like they're super nice to local people so she pulls they pull us over the two guys in the back 0.97

01:18:40.540 are athletes so they're like oh my god oh my god oh my god and i was like are you guys fucking 21 0.69

01:18:44.720 and they're like yeah i'm like you're fine relax because we were all 21 at that point and so i'm 0.86

01:18:48.660 sitting in the passenger seat but i'm immediately sober because i'm like oh and then she's like he

01:18:53.020 goes oh have you been drinking she's like i only had a couple and i was like a couple hundred but

01:18:57.840 okay you were drinking like a fish i was like you drank more than i did words yeah she's like no i

01:19:01.940 only had a couple he's like okay he takes her out and then he takes her back there he starts giving 0.98

01:19:07.020 her the test like the walking in a line like all that shit i wasn't watching but i'm assuming she 0.94

01:19:11.920 failed miserably because then he breathalyzed her right and then she was like over the limit but i 0.95

01:19:17.320 didn't know what was going on i'm just sitting there and it looks like they're kind of like

01:19:20.100 laughing i was on instagram yeah i was like i was again drunk so i was just like staring out the

01:19:25.720 window and then she comes back and she goes and i go oh how's it going because she looks happy and

01:19:30.900 like fine she goes okay so i'm getting arrested what i need you to do take my car drive it to

01:19:36.500 your house so it doesn't get impounded and then i'll get it from you tomorrow i said girl are you 0.99

01:19:39.920 out of your fucking mind i'm not doing that shit she goes i need you to take it so it doesn't get 0.99

01:19:43.640 towed okay love you she goes he puts the cups on her fucking car i was like oh my god like i was 1.00

01:19:50.860 like i was freaking i was like okay i gotta call an uber or something like i get out of the car 0.97

01:19:55.180 and so the police officer comes and he's like um have you been drinking i go yeah i have been i

01:19:59.780 have been i've been drinking yeah and then he was like okay well i don't want to till the car so

01:20:03.820 like um you know if you want like you can drive it i said what is this a test so i get behind the 0.94

01:20:08.960 wheel and then you pull me over nice try buddy not today me still fucked up nice try you're not 1.00

01:20:13.640 gonna get me today fucking bitch fucking pig and i'm literally like oh no no no like i'm not doing 1.00

01:20:25.720 that and he was like it's not a test like he's like if you want i can breathalyze you 1.00

01:20:29.040 and if you're over it then just call a cab and go home and i was like okay so i got out why i don't 0.92

01:20:34.880 know i got out walk over there mind you i'm like tits pushed up to my chest like i'm literally in

01:20:39.000 this like shortest shorts ever fashion noble yeah i'm like officer nice to meet you and then

01:20:45.760 he breathalyzes me girl i was 0.01 i said i hold alcohol like a tank and then i drove home drove

01:20:54.600 drove through the drive-thru of taco bell picked up some food went home you and the homies in the

01:20:58.980 back yeah and then i called my mom when i got home i said you'll never guess what happened to 0.62

01:21:01.940 me tonight and the mom's like yeah those are your grandpa's genes like my my grandpa because he can 0.94

01:21:06.100 hold liquor like a champ bitch did you feel drunk though i thought i did i mean i think the adrenaline 0.98

01:21:11.580 probably sobered me up more than anything but i was like he's like oh you're like not even drunk 0.99

01:21:16.460 at all and i was like you're goddamn fucking right i'm not god damn right you said hey thanks player 0.96

01:21:22.260 hey dap me up 1.00

01:21:25.260 free the homies 1.00

01:21:27.380 free my girl 1.00

01:21:29.860 what can I do to get my girl out of the back seat 0.98

01:21:32.180 by the way she should be president 1.00

01:21:34.780 she's like bestie I'm getting arrested 1.00

01:21:37.080 okay so I'm getting arrested

01:21:38.800 but here's what I need you to do

01:21:40.160 lock in with me I need you to take my car so it doesn't get towed 0.99

01:21:43.320 and I was like what the fuck are you doing 0.99

01:21:44.920 can you hand me my lip gloss 0.99

01:21:46.120 no the cops are like chilled

01:21:48.500 they are arresting me but they're like

01:21:50.060 being very cool about it

01:21:51.440 they're really cool

01:21:52.600 they're really cool

01:21:53.160 yeah and she came to my house

01:21:53.920 the next morning 1.00

01:21:54.280 she was on my doorstep

01:21:54.900 the next morning 1.00

01:21:55.340 she was like

01:21:56.100 yo crazy night

01:21:57.660 yeah

01:21:58.220 one would say yeah 1.00

01:21:59.640 she's like 1.00

01:22:00.040 yo last night

01:22:00.580 was a misdemeanor

01:22:01.320 last night was a warning

01:22:04.100 last night was a

01:22:04.860 class A felony

01:22:05.500 last night was an MIP

01:22:08.480 well anyways

01:22:12.580 we've talked about

01:22:13.660 literally everything

01:22:14.740 except the topic

01:22:15.840 which is great

01:22:16.780 what was the topic

01:22:18.160 what was the topic

01:22:19.020 I didn't even get there

01:22:19.800 what was the topic

01:22:19.920 I didn't even get there

01:22:20.940 we didn't need it literally when i text you yesterday girl what's the topic girl

01:22:27.440 just kidding never mind we don't need one we don't need one forget it hey forget about it

01:22:32.580 that that cooper story is gonna stay with me yeah forever that's the same way that's leah

01:22:36.500 god bless him that's famo right that's fan that's gang that's gang for real

01:22:41.300 that's mother cooper is mother i put two pills in front of cooper one's mother one's con

01:22:47.980 I said choose one

01:22:49.740 He popped both

01:22:54.640 He popped both

01:22:56.660 He's off the perks

01:22:58.220 There are two pills in front of you 1.00

01:23:01.520 One's mother, one's cunt 1.00

01:23:03.480 Cooper, do you feel the rush? 1.00

01:23:08.580 I'm like, Alexa, play Rush by choice of arm

01:23:10.600 What are you wearing?

01:23:13.300 That's poppers, babe 1.00

01:23:14.240 Poppers

01:23:15.060 Oh, wow 1.00

01:23:16.320 Shit 0.97

01:23:16.840 well thank you to comedy geniuses 0.98

01:23:19.800 for coming on the pod again 0.96

01:23:20.920 I love y'all to god damn death 0.95

01:23:23.360 and I'm serious 0.95

01:23:24.420 I love you both so much I could not be more grateful for your friendship 0.96

01:23:26.900 fucking same 0.99

01:23:27.980 let's never work together again 0.99

01:23:31.280 this was tough

01:23:33.180 we should yeah I feel bad for everyone in the room

01:23:35.600 they had to turn the air on for us

01:23:37.180 we were sweating 1.00

01:23:37.600 you put three big girls in a room and not have the fucking air on 1.00

01:23:41.480 ten more minutes without that mini split run in 1.00

01:23:43.200 and it would have smelled like

01:23:44.420 you would have needed coops cologne

01:23:48.440 not even that could have covered

01:23:50.540 the stench lucky you wouldn't touch what I've

01:23:52.420 got brewing 1.00

01:23:53.040 but pussy 1.00

01:23:56.660 booty dick and pussy 1.00

01:23:58.260 y'all aren't up but pussy 1.00

01:24:00.620 y'all aren't up well that's you know 1.00

01:24:02.440 my prom date knows all about that he's

01:24:04.160 metaphorical dildos up his but 0.64

01:24:06.260 he's all 1.00

01:24:08.380 up in his own I know he's giving some mousy girl 1.00

01:24:10.420 hell in the bedroom 1.00

01:24:11.100 I know they waited

01:24:13.180 I know they waited

01:24:13.820 until marriage

01:24:14.300 and she didn't realize

01:24:14.960 what she signed up for

01:24:15.900 oh he's like

01:24:17.020 please please

01:24:17.660 beg me please 1.00

01:24:18.340 I know some bitch 1.00

01:24:19.500 in a cardigan 1.00

01:24:20.020 goes through war

01:24:20.760 every night

01:24:21.280 I'm sorry to say

01:24:24.060 if the temple's rocking

01:24:25.680 don't come a knocking

01:24:26.340 car cardigan

01:24:27.760 and some Tevas

01:24:28.620 I know 0.77

01:24:29.460 I know he rips 0.99

01:24:31.360 those capris off her 1.00

01:24:32.380 hair down to her knees 1.00

01:24:35.920 period 1.00

01:24:36.520 that Stanley

01:24:37.760 is clinking around 0.99

01:24:39.140 damn 0.86

01:24:40.340 but thank you guys so much for coming on the show i love y'all oh love you guys the best 0.99

01:24:46.300 people in the world let's never do this again let's make a pact in 10 years we'll all meet up 0.98

01:24:50.820 right back here why is everybody laughing i'm gonna shoot you dead when we finish so 0.97

01:25:00.120 you're not gonna make it for 10 years the one where they go on brat tv 0.99

01:25:04.100 wait this is low-key our central perk

01:25:10.980 where is marcel the monkey

01:25:14.400 dibs on fat monica

01:25:18.100 i'll be fat joey when he has that one scene where he's fat dibs on fat monica i want to play that 0.99

01:25:24.980 beefy bitch i like to think i like to think i'm uh monica or like rachel or phoebe but we i'm 0.99

01:25:33.060 Gunther. Bitch, I'm 1.00

01:25:35.060 David Schwimmer. 1.00

01:25:37.280 Not even Ross?

01:25:38.920 For David Schwimmer? I'm David Schwimmer out of drag.

01:25:41.640 Not my Ross drag.

01:25:42.940 Did you guys see the super cut of all the times he said

01:25:45.040 juice during the OJ movie?

01:25:47.440 He said, he goes, your Uncle

01:25:49.060 Juice is a good man. Juice, juice, juice.

01:25:51.620 Because they called OJ the juice.

01:25:52.920 And there's a super cut of David

01:25:55.100 Schwimmer's character in that saying it. 15 million

01:25:57.180 dollars. It's so fucking 0.99

01:25:59.060 funny. He's like, juice, 0.99

01:26:01.200 juice, juice. It's like literally

01:26:02.920 every scene you're david schwimmer but in madagascar melmond that's two melmond jokes

01:26:09.300 you've made obviously comedy is my my job my my calling and purpose in line you got madagascar

01:26:14.920 in the brain last night was a pixar animated feature that's true that's a dreamworks feature

01:26:19.000 whoa okay

01:26:20.580 i'm sorry i was very gracious to come

01:26:26.380 and be vulnerable with me somebody fly in my gun

01:26:31.080 you're like somebody fly in the mother gun

01:26:36.080 thank you guys for coming on the pod i adore you i love y'all love it y'all thank you all for

01:26:43.740 joining us on this all-star episode where can everybody find you please promote anything

01:26:48.480 i'm on tour but the shows are all sold out i don't know what to tell you sorry guys

01:26:52.420 I'm on

01:26:54.060 Caleb Says Things

01:26:54.740 on the internet

01:26:55.120 you can find me on there

01:26:55.780 and listen to my

01:26:56.320 new podcast

01:26:56.900 So True

01:26:57.300 episodes with both

01:26:58.380 of these two

01:26:58.960 you've probably

01:26:59.400 already seen it

01:26:59.900 but check it out

01:27:00.740 yeah please get

01:27:01.780 those views up

01:27:02.240 because the ad

01:27:02.760 suitability is

01:27:03.500 literally all my

01:27:06.680 ad suitability

01:27:07.080 on YouTube

01:27:07.460 is just them

01:27:08.600 being like

01:27:08.920 get a grip

01:27:09.440 I am Brittany Broski

01:27:11.320 I have a podcast

01:27:12.140 called The Broski Report

01:27:13.120 I have a show

01:27:13.840 called Royal Court 1.00

01:27:14.520 that this motherfucker 1.00

01:27:15.540 has been on 1.00

01:27:16.120 we have got to

01:27:16.780 get you on it

01:27:17.340 my brother

01:27:17.780 a lot of talk

01:27:19.020 a lot of talk

01:27:20.680 not a lot of emails

01:27:21.480 yeah let's get those followers up we'll revisit yeah we'll see if you get those followers up we

01:27:27.340 can have you on the show let's do it next quarter let's see 100k let's see 100k come on let's see

01:27:32.980 that plaque hang in there oh my god yeah please follow them on everything you probably already

01:27:41.160 fucking do but thank you all for joining us on this episode thank you for watching my my brother 0.68

01:27:45.540 sister in christ look at us together seriously y'all shooting up thank you guys so much for 0.96

01:27:56.120 watching this episode don't forget new episodes are available every wednesday you can stream the

01:28:00.540 audio on all streaming platforms or you can watch the video exclusively and for free on our favorite

01:28:04.200 platform platform spotify thank you so much i love you all thank you to brittie and caleb the

01:28:09.320 funniest people on the internet and i'll see you next week bye

01:28:15.540 We'll be right back.

The Comment Section with Drew Afualo - April 24, 2024

COMMENT SECTION： ALL STARS Ft. Brittany Broski and Caleb Hearon

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