The Comment Section with Drew Afualo - COMMENT SECTION： ALL STARS Ft. Brittany Broski and Caleb Hearon

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00:00:59.720 Hey, everyone. This is Jerof Walla, the host of the comment section. And before we get into this

00:01:05.460 week's very fun, very special, very awesome episode, I want everyone here to give Rockstar

00:01:11.480 Energy Drink a big thank you, Rockstar Energy Drink, for being the sponsor of this week's episode,

00:01:18.440 specifically Rockstar Energy Drink's new Rockstar Focus. And I want to tell all of y'all that it was

00:01:24.580 truly faked that this episode came together, and I'm so incredibly thankful for my two very funny,

00:01:29.920 very hilarious, very annoying guests. Thank you so much, Rockstar Energy Drink, for being the best.

00:01:33.980 I love you so much. Enjoy the episode. Bye. I said, Cooper, what cologne do you wear? And he said,

00:01:38.360 oh, I don't, it's just like, I don't know if my mom gets it for me. And I, and I go, I go,

00:01:41.880 oh yeah, but like, what is, and he goes, he goes, I really don't know if my mom gets it for me.

00:01:46.560 Every time I get a chance, I'm like, Cooper, do you even know, like, what the bottle looks like?

00:01:49.580 You know? And like, but I'm trying to play it cool, and he's, he's like, oh yeah, I don't remember, man.

00:01:57.560 And like, literally, I'm being so persistent, because I don't know, I think I'm being coy, you know?

00:02:02.240 And then finally I go, I need to know what cologne you are. 0.97

00:02:06.300 And you're gonna fucking tell me now. 0.99

00:02:08.980 And he goes, he goes, if I tell you, will you just stop talking to me? 0.99

00:02:11.400 And I go, can I go, can I go, and I go, yeah.

00:02:20.380 Hey everyone, and welcome back to another episode of the comment section show starring me, your fave.

00:02:24.560 Everybody knows me. Who gives a fuck about me? 0.98

00:02:26.580 Today I have an unbelievably requested episode. 0.97

00:02:30.720 And by requested, I mean, like, from me only.

00:02:32.620 It's Brittany Broski and Caleb Heron.

00:02:34.700 Woo! 0.99

00:02:36.200 Cheers, hey, cheers for real. 0.99

00:02:39.320 Cheers to a damn good time. 0.98

00:02:41.400 Hey, can I make a toast? 0.99

00:02:43.800 I wish you was.

00:02:44.740 Now, here's to the nights we'll never remember.

00:02:47.960 With the people we'll never forget.

00:02:51.360 Cheers to y'all.

00:02:52.800 Cheers to y'all.

00:02:53.500 The big lipstick.

00:02:56.160 Uh-oh.

00:02:57.140 Cunting.

00:02:58.740 I fear she cunted. 0.98

00:03:03.420 Say the one you said before we started. 1.00

00:03:04.920 It's time to cunt. 1.00

00:03:05.920 Say the one you said before we started, Brittany. 0.99

00:03:11.400 What did I say?

00:03:13.960 It's cunting.

00:03:14.700 It was a JFK reference. 0.91

00:03:16.000 Oh, I said, uh, she shot the mother bullet that killed John F. Cunton.

00:03:19.540 Yeah.

00:03:20.360 Don't you want to?

00:03:21.480 My favorite movie.

00:03:22.460 My favorite movie is Good Will Cunting.

00:03:25.000 Good Will Cunting. 0.99

00:03:26.160 I just started changing all of the breakfast cunt. 0.99

00:03:34.120 Anyways, welcome back to the show. 0.97

00:03:36.160 My very first repeats.

00:03:38.060 Hey.

00:03:38.700 Second time.

00:03:39.660 So, and you know who we're missing?

00:03:41.140 Leo Gonzalez.

00:03:42.220 Leo.

00:03:42.620 That's it, yeah.

00:03:43.380 Where are you, honey?

00:03:44.300 He's banned from the building.

00:03:45.080 We forgot about him.

00:03:46.080 Yeah.

00:03:46.440 I saw his picture up around the security booth, and they said, don't let this man in.

00:03:49.960 Yeah, it said, wanted shoplifter.

00:03:52.360 Yeah.

00:03:53.340 He was stealing from the studio.

00:03:54.880 I'm sure he was.

00:03:56.000 Yeah.

00:03:56.080 I can't prove it, but.

00:03:57.440 God bless his heart.

00:03:58.080 I still told them to hang up the signs regardless, just in case.

00:04:00.340 Cleptomaniac freak.

00:04:02.520 Welcome back to the show.

00:04:04.020 Brittany and Caleb are two of my most popular episodes to date.

00:04:07.200 Oh, my God.

00:04:08.100 And have you given a royalty check?

00:04:09.880 Oh, yeah.

00:04:12.560 Yeah, I got home the other day.

00:04:13.520 There was a Ferrari in the driveway.

00:04:15.240 It was for Drew.

00:04:16.180 That's real sweet.

00:04:17.120 Yeah.

00:04:17.360 And then I sent Brittany vibes. 0.99

00:04:19.960 Brittany, let me, no, she did it to be mean, because she knows my big ass can't fit in 1.00

00:04:23.160 this car. 0.99

00:04:24.260 I said, you can't?

00:04:25.080 I guess I'll drive it home. 1.00

00:04:25.860 No, I'm a fuck. 1.00

00:04:26.620 Oh, fuck. 1.00

00:04:27.140 There's a lot to decap. 1.00

00:04:27.940 Oh, I hate that.

00:04:28.740 Well, thanks for coming back, y'all.

00:04:30.460 Your jerseys are hanging in the rafters.

00:04:32.080 All stars.

00:04:32.820 Wow.

00:04:32.940 It's a pleasure to be here.

00:04:34.000 I feel like I'm home again.

00:04:35.320 A 4XL jersey.

00:04:38.260 A 4XL shoe jersey.

00:04:40.660 Hold on now.

00:04:41.260 Not too much on the sizes.

00:04:43.460 Not too much on the size of the jerseys there.

00:04:45.820 You're getting a little too small to be talking like that.

00:04:47.540 But you better put some pounds back on before you implicate me in the 4X.

00:04:50.860 Trust and trust.

00:04:51.920 Trust and believe.

00:04:53.120 It will happen.

00:04:54.020 I'm lying on a 4X.

00:04:54.700 You want to check the tag on my underwear?

00:04:56.000 Yeah.

00:04:56.500 Let's check it then.

00:04:57.460 Get in there.

00:04:58.480 See what you find.

00:04:59.260 Don't mind the skinny. 1.00

00:04:59.960 I just pulled my fucking pants down. 1.00

00:05:03.260 I'll show hole on this episode. 1.00

00:05:05.180 And?

00:05:05.660 Are those cameras 4K?

00:05:08.200 Y'all aren't going to like what you see.

00:05:09.740 The light bar set up and everything.

00:05:12.460 Softbox lighting.

00:05:12.780 Oh my God.

00:05:13.040 A beautiful hole shot from me at the end of the episode.

00:05:15.940 Stay tuned.

00:05:16.360 And then I'm going to do a voiceover like National Geographic.

00:05:19.680 The predator moves in on his pride.

00:05:22.600 It's Brittany just moving towards me with a couple fingers.

00:05:25.080 No, we got to cut that off.

00:05:26.240 Two in the pink, one in the stink.

00:05:29.260 No worries, Caleb's pink.

00:05:31.380 I only know about a stink.

00:05:36.800 I don't have one, y'all. 0.99

00:05:38.820 And it makes me feel like, fuck, I'm going to fucking cry. 0.99

00:05:41.000 No, I'm going to fucking cry because I feel so out of place with y'all. 1.00

00:05:46.160 Like, I'm literally like a man in this space. 0.98

00:05:48.260 Giving Caleb gendered in for me. 1.00

00:05:54.660 Oh, shut up. 0.99

00:05:55.880 I'm sure you have a pink somewhere. 1.00

00:05:57.380 Yeah.

00:05:57.760 I'll get in there and I'll look.

00:05:58.380 Everything down there is.

00:06:01.600 I'm willing to get my hands dirty.

00:06:03.040 You put on gloves up to your elbows.

00:06:05.820 Let me in there.

00:06:06.820 I'm going to pull my sleeves up.

00:06:08.120 Why, yeah, yeah.

00:06:08.620 Let me in.

00:06:12.360 Fist to cuffs.

00:06:13.540 Let's go. 0.99

00:06:14.080 I think I would fight y'all if I had the opportunity.

00:06:16.300 I would lose.

00:06:16.780 You think?

00:06:17.600 I think Brittany would start laughing, to be honest. 1.00

00:06:20.040 Yeah. 0.99

00:06:20.420 Y'all would beat my ass to the point where I would have to be permanently hospitalized. 1.00

00:06:24.240 She'd be like, ah, no. 1.00

00:06:25.920 You would beat my ass. 1.00

00:06:26.760 I've seen the videos of you in the gym and I'd go, I'd lose. 1.00

00:06:29.340 Yeah.

00:06:29.740 Because I'm not strong.

00:06:30.420 I'm just big.

00:06:31.720 Which is a strength.

00:06:33.020 Yeah.

00:06:33.500 I think, yeah.

00:06:34.620 The pen is your sword.

00:06:35.880 Oh, God.

00:06:36.380 That's why.

00:06:36.900 Yeah, that's true.

00:06:37.860 Your wit.

00:06:38.840 My wit?

00:06:39.000 I think that's more than enough.

00:06:40.100 Oh, my God.

00:06:40.620 Well, yeah, that brings me to my first point of the show.

00:06:42.400 Thank y'all so much for being on.

00:06:44.500 I think y'all wanted, in the text messages, y'all said that you wanted to compliment me straight

00:06:47.820 to camera, right?

00:06:49.980 I think that was in the show notes.

00:06:51.220 Was that?

00:06:51.740 Oh, I think.

00:06:52.300 Where are the producers?

00:06:52.780 Didn't we have in the show notes to compliment Caleb straight to camera for three minutes

00:06:56.700 each?

00:06:58.000 Well, this is terribly humiliating, but go ahead.

00:07:01.720 Okay.

00:07:02.240 We wouldn't want to make you uncomfortable.

00:07:04.160 No.

00:07:04.420 I'll get through it.

00:07:08.520 Obviously, everyone on this show knows that I'm the biggest fan ever of both Brittany and

00:07:12.140 Caleb.

00:07:12.500 I'd be doing PR for y'all.

00:07:13.940 It's true.

00:07:14.560 Technically speaking.

00:07:15.600 It's true.

00:07:16.180 For free.

00:07:16.860 And we're actually running the book tour.

00:07:18.200 Yeah.

00:07:19.000 My invoices are unanswered as of right now, but don't worry.

00:07:21.980 I'll keep sending them.

00:07:22.780 When your team texted Brittany and I on a group message and said, will you guys do security

00:07:27.500 for Drew's book tour?

00:07:29.060 I will say there was a moment of a side chat where we said, hold on.

00:07:32.060 Is that offensive?

00:07:33.600 Is that racially profiling?

00:07:34.700 Is that racially profiling?

00:07:36.380 Yes.

00:07:36.540 Racially or body profiling?

00:07:38.300 Yeah.

00:07:38.740 Well, Southern, big white people from the... 0.96

00:07:41.000 So you said, well, Brittany and I said, you know what?

00:07:42.980 That's our girl.

00:07:44.100 Let's do it.

00:07:44.780 We'll do it.

00:07:45.260 And we're going to do it.

00:07:46.100 Well, and your resume was just that picture of you in front of Aaron Carter.

00:07:49.940 Is that who it was?

00:07:50.560 You know about this, don't you?

00:07:51.280 He bounced for Aaron Carter.

00:07:54.300 I bodyguarded for Aaron Carter one night.

00:07:55.960 Yeah.

00:07:56.340 Is this like...

00:07:58.100 Ask any question you have.

00:08:00.020 Hello?

00:08:00.860 If I can talk.

00:08:01.820 Take your time.

00:08:02.380 Oh, oh, oh. 1.00

00:08:03.540 What the fuck now? 1.00

00:08:04.460 Come back. 0.99

00:08:05.240 Come back.

00:08:06.660 Where'd you go?

00:08:07.540 This is my impression of Brittany just now.

00:08:08.800 Is...

00:08:09.800 Is...

00:08:09.940 A stroke.

00:08:13.600 Mid-sentence.

00:08:14.280 She's short-circuited.

00:08:15.280 Jesus.

00:08:16.240 The thought of you being a bodyguard literally made her short-circuit for a second.

00:08:19.640 Something's in this DP group.

00:08:21.500 Oh, we're drinking DP in the mugs.

00:08:23.020 We're doing DP.

00:08:23.920 Sorry, that's just the perp.

00:08:24.800 Full sugar.

00:08:25.460 Don't mind it.

00:08:26.360 Don't mind this. 1.00

00:08:27.160 Have you all seen that fucking tweet? 1.00

00:08:28.460 That's that white girl who tweeted and she said, lean is a drug? 1.00

00:08:32.260 Is that what I'm talking about?

00:08:38.300 I do not.

00:08:39.740 Whatever.

00:08:40.220 Let's move on.

00:08:40.640 Yeah, it was me. 1.00

00:08:41.080 Okay, you bodyguarded for fucking Nick Cannon. 0.98

00:08:42.920 I don't know what his name is. 0.99

00:08:43.660 Aaron Gordner.

00:08:45.980 Whatever.

00:08:46.640 If I bodyguarded for Nick Cannon, I'd have a kid by now.

00:08:49.120 At least two.

00:08:50.020 I'd be pregnant.

00:08:50.980 He would have found a way to impregnate you.

00:08:52.700 Yeah, that's true.

00:08:53.680 I'm always trying to get somebody to impregnate me. 0.75

00:08:55.460 I would love to carry.

00:08:56.400 Well, what are you doing after this?

00:08:58.300 Would you get me pregnant? 1.00

00:09:00.640 If I could be a deadbeat mother.

00:09:02.700 I don't see any other way.

00:09:04.880 Oh, I wouldn't have you involved in the kid's life.

00:09:07.640 Are you kidding?

00:09:09.520 That's true.

00:09:10.060 That's valid.

00:09:10.680 Okay, tell me the story.

00:09:11.660 I don't know this story.

00:09:12.020 Well, I bodyguarded for Aaron Carter.

00:09:13.160 It was one night I was in college.

00:09:15.240 And he was coming to campus and he didn't have a security detail.

00:09:18.680 Crazy.

00:09:19.320 For sure. 1.00

00:09:20.820 Who's the biggest, gayest guy we know? 1.00

00:09:23.400 Yeah, they said, who's the biggest faggot in three square miles? 1.00

00:09:27.100 They said, who do we have? 1.00

00:09:28.880 That's with any place you go.

00:09:30.720 That's going to be top spot, big dog.

00:09:32.160 That's me.

00:09:32.600 I'm big dog. 1.00

00:09:33.300 I'm, hey, I'm king shit on Big Dick Mountain everywhere I go. 1.00

00:09:38.240 Everywhere I go. 0.99

00:09:39.940 And, you know, so me and my buddy on the student activities council, they said, well, he needs

00:09:43.900 security.

00:09:44.320 And I said, I'm on it.

00:09:45.100 We walked around campus all day with walkie-talkies pretending to, like, you know, scout the place.

00:09:49.680 And then, yeah, I bodyguard her from all night.

00:09:51.220 He kissed me on the forehead.

00:09:52.840 It was beautiful.

00:09:54.140 And he made passionate love.

00:09:55.220 It was beautiful.

00:09:55.600 In front of the audience. 1.00

00:09:56.760 No, the audience did want to fuck him, though. 1.00

00:09:58.540 Isn't that funny? 0.99

00:09:59.280 I mean, he really, because it was well past his time.

00:10:01.480 Yeah.

00:10:01.940 But they really wanted to, the girls were doing a nostalgia horniness. 1.00

00:10:05.380 They were into it.

00:10:05.920 Which is such a powerful horniness. 0.80

00:10:06.620 I feel that way about Jesse McCartney.

00:10:08.520 Really?

00:10:08.820 Do you?

00:10:09.540 Were y'all Jesse girls?

00:10:11.180 Not really, no.

00:10:12.240 Oh, Beautiful Soul?

00:10:13.080 Beautiful Soul.

00:10:15.340 I like the song.

00:10:16.800 Or how about, but I speak Spanish, Japanese, French, French, I can definitely make sense.

00:10:22.520 It's a body, a body, a body language.

00:10:25.520 Come on.

00:10:26.160 I know.

00:10:28.400 Oh, I was in it.

00:10:29.240 I love the music.

00:10:29.860 I know the song, because he had a lot of big booty girls in that music video. 1.00

00:10:32.940 He did. 0.99

00:10:33.260 Shaking ass. 0.99

00:10:33.980 And we were, what, nine? 0.99

00:10:35.220 And I was like, oh, I'm into it.

00:10:37.060 Okay.

00:10:38.120 Okay.

00:10:38.620 Jesse McCartney with a little flavor.

00:10:40.040 Okay.

00:10:40.140 I think I know the moment that my grandma figured out I was gay, because I was at her house

00:10:43.920 for Thanksgiving, and I was like, I want to show you a song that's really important

00:10:47.320 to me.

00:10:48.180 And she was like, okay.

00:10:48.900 And I took her over to the desktop computer, and I put on Beautiful Soul.

00:10:53.480 And I was singing along, and I was like, I don't want another baby.

00:10:58.040 She's like, yay.

00:10:59.520 I'm looking back, and I'm like, it's a home.

00:11:01.540 I don't want to go away.

00:11:04.080 And Nana, look, I choreographed something to it as well.

00:11:06.180 I'm like.

00:11:07.080 You're body rolling.

00:11:07.960 And she, literally.

00:11:10.440 You're doing a heels dance. 0.80

00:11:13.260 I'm square dancing.

00:11:14.340 You have knee pads on.

00:11:15.460 Yeah.

00:11:16.320 Wildebeest.

00:11:17.620 What's a playground?

00:11:18.680 Hold on.

00:11:19.000 Not too much on Wildebeest.

00:11:20.020 Dance play.

00:11:21.100 What's happening with Wildebeest?

00:11:22.760 I'd slide in the knee pads.

00:11:23.700 I'd pull a chain while it comes down in my grandma's kitchen. 0.67

00:11:26.920 So you have some shoe dazzle heels on.

00:11:29.100 And she watched the whole thing, and she went, that's nice.

00:11:31.600 What is shoe dazzle heels? 1.00

00:11:32.800 You don't remember shoe dazzle?

00:11:33.900 Shoe dazzle was a shoe subscription service.

00:11:36.980 What?

00:11:37.540 And they were the world's ugliest shoes.

00:11:39.780 I wore some to my Sweet 16.

00:11:41.420 And guess what?

00:11:42.200 What do you know about?

00:11:42.680 Just Fab?

00:11:43.580 Yeah.

00:11:44.140 Yeah.

00:11:44.400 Just Fab online.

00:11:45.380 Of course I know.

00:11:45.960 Some of the worst blisters you could ever think of in your life.

00:11:49.460 They're literally shoe subscription websites.

00:11:52.040 And they were the gaudiest, most Jersey Shore type heels.

00:11:56.160 Is this an intergenerational gap that's happening here?

00:11:58.680 How old are y'all? 1.00

00:11:59.980 You're the same age as me, bitch. 1.00

00:12:01.120 I'm like, just that? 1.00

00:12:02.040 I've never heard of these things in my life.

00:12:03.560 And she's a fetus compared to us. 1.00

00:12:05.160 Yeah.

00:12:05.540 I am very, very young.

00:12:06.700 Yeah.

00:12:07.080 You're developmentally very far behind us.

00:12:11.100 Yeah.

00:12:11.500 I would say you are a lot further behind us.

00:12:13.560 I got a big forehead. 1.00

00:12:14.640 That's fucked. 1.00

00:12:15.500 You advocate for yourself, though. 1.00

00:12:16.620 When we all went to dinner the other night, we said, can we just pick a restaurant that

00:12:19.020 has pictures on the menu?

00:12:22.100 Because words are hard, and I don't want to do that.

00:12:23.960 And I thought that was, I was like, stand up for yourself, girl.

00:12:26.760 Advocate.

00:12:27.220 No.

00:12:27.700 But advocate for yourself.

00:12:28.840 That's important.

00:12:30.020 What does advocate mean?

00:12:31.480 Yeah.

00:12:34.140 Did you spell it for me?

00:12:35.520 Yeah.

00:12:35.960 Use it in a sentence.

00:12:36.940 Use it in a sentence.

00:12:37.320 Dude, the first time we all got dinner together, I thought that it was funny, because you group 0.98

00:12:41.820 text us, and then you were like, if you bitches don't answer me, I'm going to send 1.00

00:12:45.540 a bomb to both of your houses. 0.99

00:12:47.440 It's not like a couple days had passed, and neither of us had a bond.

00:12:50.800 I appreciate that.

00:12:51.980 Me too.

00:12:52.760 I need to be held to a gunpoint. 0.53

00:12:54.000 Me too.

00:12:54.640 And it's such a, it's a quality about myself that I'm trying to work on, of trying to

00:12:59.800 be better about responding, and not ghosting people, because I do it to both of you.

00:13:03.940 And I will admit that.

00:13:04.640 And Caleb's like, okay, well, let me know.

00:13:06.880 Let me know when you start working on it.

00:13:09.600 When is class one here?

00:13:11.380 Let me know when you start that journey.

00:13:12.420 Hey, when the program kicks off, give me a holler.

00:13:16.520 Go ahead and hit me up, girl. 1.00

00:13:18.060 I was going to say, you're good.

00:13:19.580 Both of y'all are good about like, and I said, you want to double text me.

00:13:23.880 Oh, I'll triple, quadruple text.

00:13:25.260 I'll literally, I'll literally at her in our group chat. 1.00

00:13:27.980 You know, like, it tells you extra, like, hey, bitch. 1.00

00:13:30.660 Hello. 0.99

00:13:31.780 Or sometimes she'll respond to memes on Instagram, and I'm like, hey, go ahead and hop over to 0.97

00:13:36.060 that group chat and answer the other fucking 30 questions I asked you. 0.87

00:13:39.380 Oh, I'm glad you're having fun on Instagram. 0.97

00:13:41.180 Let's pick up the phone and check out the text messages.

00:13:44.580 How about?

00:13:45.140 I'm working on it, y'all.

00:13:46.400 Well, as everybody here knows, I'm sure, the three of us have never been together on the

00:13:50.820 same pod before.

00:13:51.960 So this is true.

00:13:52.700 Legally, we have not been allowed to.

00:13:54.040 Yeah.

00:13:54.340 The restraining orders made that a little difficult.

00:13:55.840 Yeah.

00:13:56.040 The courts just lifted the embargo.

00:13:58.260 And we were allowed into Bratz Studios. 0.99

00:14:00.320 And we're going stupid. 1.00

00:14:01.180 Going crazy. 1.00

00:14:01.660 Yeah.

00:14:01.980 That is how it sounds when we all hang out, when we go to dinner. 1.00

00:14:12.720 100% gay nonsense. 1.00

00:14:13.960 I feel bad for every server who's ever encountered us. 0.99

00:14:16.060 I know.

00:14:16.580 When we went to dinner the first time, like, a few months ago, remember when we left, the

00:14:21.060 hostess was like, man, you guys were laughing all night.

00:14:24.080 I was like, is that direct?

00:14:25.340 It felt like, she was like, you guys were laughing all night. 0.99

00:14:27.840 It felt like it had a little bit of, like, shut the fuck up. 1.00

00:14:30.180 Yeah, she's like, yeah, go ahead and get the fuck out of here, by the way. 1.00

00:14:32.340 Yeah, yeah, yeah. 0.99

00:14:33.600 At dinner, Jason said that was the first time the three of us ordered sodas.

00:14:37.920 And she was like, oh, I'm good with water. 0.99

00:14:39.680 And then Caleb was like, well, you think you're fucking better than us? 0.99

00:14:43.700 And then she got a soda. 0.99

00:14:45.140 Yeah, well.

00:14:46.220 Grow up and order the DP.

00:14:47.400 And then she necked it before the rest of us.

00:14:49.780 And you're all, oh, didn't want a soda, huh?

00:14:51.220 By the way.

00:14:52.740 Didn't want one?

00:14:53.560 Downed it like a cartoon character sucking on a cactus in the desert. 1.00

00:14:57.460 Just fucking ate that shit up. 1.00

00:14:59.440 Like Popeye with spinach. 1.00

00:15:00.180 Here's what I'll say about me bullying Jason into getting a soda.

00:15:07.360 People are scared to say this.

00:15:08.480 Bullying works.

00:15:09.080 Bring it back.

00:15:10.140 Bring back shame and bullying.

00:15:11.980 What do you think got me this show in the first place?

00:15:13.820 That's what I'm saying.

00:15:14.520 Period.

00:15:15.060 Thank you.

00:15:16.160 Thanks, guys.

00:15:17.060 Now we get to terrorize people for a living.

00:15:19.540 And I love that.

00:15:21.300 Will you terrorize them by being annoying?

00:15:23.260 Both of you.

00:15:23.380 That's very true.

00:15:24.060 Both of us.

00:15:24.820 Mine's being mean.

00:15:27.400 I terrorize them live in person.

00:15:28.860 I say, buy a ticket.

00:15:31.360 Come on. 0.87

00:15:31.580 I'm going to be horrible to you.

00:15:33.360 And they do.

00:15:34.420 And they show up.

00:15:34.820 It is truly at a Caleb show.

00:15:36.180 It's like seals in an audience.

00:15:40.380 That's how I feel in the audience. 1.00

00:15:42.200 He's like, you're ugly and you're fat. 1.00

00:15:43.740 I'm like, ooh. 1.00

00:15:45.320 I'm so scratching my head.

00:15:47.500 Oh, good.

00:15:48.000 We went and watched Caleb because I did an opening five for Caleb.

00:15:51.640 Eight.

00:15:52.100 Eight.

00:15:52.300 Eight.

00:15:52.620 Eight.

00:15:52.740 Eight.

00:15:52.940 Eight.

00:15:53.140 Eight.

00:15:53.420 Eight down.

00:15:53.800 First time doing stand-up.

00:15:54.960 And Caleb trusted me to do it.

00:15:56.300 And I said, okay, well, I did bring a gun.

00:15:58.080 So hope that's cool with you.

00:15:59.880 Someone's going out.

00:16:00.440 I don't know if it's me or someone in the audience. 0.55

00:16:02.500 Suicide. 0.98

00:16:02.820 Just in case it bombs, I have a plan B.

00:16:04.800 Just so everybody knows.

00:16:05.840 I did not allow you to do a set on the show.

00:16:07.980 I begged you for months to do a set anywhere.

00:16:10.240 Yeah.

00:16:10.640 And then you came and did a phenomenal set.

00:16:12.520 You were very good at it.

00:16:13.660 Thank you very much.

00:16:14.560 Did you have fun?

00:16:15.420 I had honestly a blast.

00:16:16.740 I was telling him it felt like something completely different from doing TikTok or whatever.

00:16:21.400 Doing comedy online is very different.

00:16:23.680 So the feeling was awesome.

00:16:25.000 It's a rush. 0.98

00:16:25.620 But I was nervous as fuck. 0.99

00:16:26.920 I'm never nervous for work stuff, but I was really nervous for that. 0.98

00:16:29.420 Because you were a theater kid adjacent, right?

00:16:32.500 I did theater in school, but not a lot of it because I was an athlete too.

00:16:36.200 It's that feeling of like being on a stage where you can't see the audience and it's

00:16:40.540 just the lights and it's like, okay, I hope I remember what I was going to do, but don't.

00:16:44.420 And it's like also they're there to see you because they love you.

00:16:47.300 So it's a pat on the back too.

00:16:49.480 Brittany remembers that feeling from when she was in high school and she played the grandma

00:16:52.140 in the Addams family.

00:16:54.560 Period.

00:16:55.100 True.

00:16:55.440 Period.

00:16:55.780 True.

00:16:56.020 And that is a truth of mine.

00:16:56.900 At Keller High School, I've seen pictures.

00:16:58.140 I found pictures.

00:16:59.120 And did I win a Kelly Award?

00:17:00.560 Yes, I did.

00:17:00.760 Yes, you sure did.

00:17:02.480 At Keller ISD in Texas.

00:17:04.160 She's like, every time I was in theater, they always made me like an old lady or a man.

00:17:08.320 Yeah.

00:17:08.740 And I was like, okay.

00:17:09.600 I did experiment with cross-dressing at one point in my life.

00:17:12.480 Yeah.

00:17:12.940 For art.

00:17:13.720 For art.

00:17:14.080 Which is so beautiful.

00:17:15.120 And then I started doing it behind closed doors.

00:17:17.080 Yeah.

00:17:17.660 And that's drag.

00:17:18.300 And that's drag.

00:17:18.880 And that's drag.

00:17:20.040 This is like such a random story, but when I was in fifth grade, we did this project where

00:17:23.820 you had to do like, it was like a human wax museum.

00:17:26.340 So you had to pick someone that you admire in history, do like a little paper on them,

00:17:30.820 and then I'm back to school and I get to dress like them, write like a minute monologue,

00:17:34.540 and then like pretend you have a button, and then someone would press it, and then you'd

00:17:37.000 have to recite the monologue.

00:17:37.380 Who did you pick?

00:17:39.780 No one ever guesses, because it's just the most absurd pick in the world.

00:17:43.720 Who did you pick?

00:17:44.600 I picked King George III.

00:17:46.480 Girl.

00:17:46.680 Which is the worst king in English monarch history.

00:17:49.140 One of them.

00:17:49.560 Why did you pick?

00:17:50.180 King Coral, why?

00:17:50.820 I don't, I don't know.

00:17:54.300 I don't know why I picked him.

00:17:56.600 And I remember my, I was the only girl who cross-dressed.

00:18:00.260 I was the only one who picked a man.

00:18:01.640 And also I did not pick someone I admired personally.

00:18:04.420 I don't know why, like my teacher literally called my mom and was like, I feel like she

00:18:08.600 should pick somebody else.

00:18:09.480 Like, let's look into him a little bit more.

00:18:11.600 I feel like she should pick somebody else.

00:18:12.980 She's steadfast in her decision.

00:18:14.000 Yeah.

00:18:14.140 My mom was like, well, does she really want to do it?

00:18:15.900 And then she was like, yeah, like she told me, I have all the material prepared, because

00:18:19.340 I did.

00:18:20.080 And she was like, then just let her do it. 1.00

00:18:21.520 Who gives a fuck? 1.00

00:18:22.420 And I did. 0.99

00:18:23.020 The jury's like, hey, Noelle, it's Miss Blake. 0.50

00:18:26.080 Drew's being a little dykey with her. 1.00

00:18:29.640 Jury's out on day sim, but it's not looking good over there.

00:18:33.720 Oh, dude.

00:18:34.440 Sometimes I look back at my sister's crushes, I'm like, lesbian.

00:18:37.660 Yeah. 0.99

00:18:38.400 She's so gay. 1.00

00:18:39.020 It's crazy. 1.00

00:18:39.780 Yeah.

00:18:39.980 Like some of the people she liked, I'm like, yeah, that, yeah.

00:18:43.140 Like Jonathan Taylor Thomas.

00:18:44.500 That was such a big, like anybody.

00:18:45.440 When someone was like, Jonathan Taylor Thomas from Home Improvement, if it was a girl, 0.99

00:18:49.100 I was like, you're gay. 1.00

00:18:50.960 Yeah. 0.99

00:18:51.600 Sorry, you're gay. 1.00

00:18:52.500 You know what was another one is, I had some gay cousins who had a similar thing, who loved 0.97

00:18:57.380 Artie from Glee.

00:18:59.140 That's their fave.

00:19:00.020 That's their fave.

00:19:00.680 And I was like, interesting.

00:19:03.260 Of all the men on that show, huh?

00:19:05.340 That is interesting.

00:19:07.680 Hey, no worries.

00:19:08.820 And all right.

00:19:11.560 We love you.

00:19:12.360 How you are.

00:19:13.060 Hey.

00:19:13.740 How you are.

00:19:14.220 No worries.

00:19:14.680 How you are. 1.00

00:19:15.440 God damn. 1.00

00:19:15.980 Yeah. 1.00

00:19:16.000 It's like, that's okay.

00:19:16.720 Just not in front of me.

00:19:18.720 Yeah.

00:19:19.080 Whatever you do in the privacy of your home.

00:19:21.600 And I remember I was King.

00:19:23.660 Yeah.

00:19:24.000 I was King George the third.

00:19:25.100 Do you have a fact for us about King George the third that you remember?

00:19:28.140 The only one I really remember is that he was one of, if not the worst English monarch.

00:19:32.760 Like he, he tanked the economy.

00:19:34.660 He, everybody hated him.

00:19:36.200 He refused to die.

00:19:37.400 Uh, and he like went, he went insane.

00:19:39.460 Like on the throne, he went insane and he refused to relinquish. 1.00

00:19:42.120 You said, I'm low-key fucking with him. 0.99

00:19:43.160 And I was like, and you know what? 0.99

00:19:44.460 That's tea.

00:19:45.640 Maybe he's onto something.

00:19:46.560 We got motion, twin.

00:19:47.660 Perseverance.

00:19:48.060 Yeah.

00:19:48.260 He and I are not alike.

00:19:50.740 Cause I'll tell you, as soon as the opportunity to die presents itself, I'm taking it.

00:19:55.040 I will not fight.

00:19:56.180 When you see.

00:19:56.540 I'm jumping on it.

00:19:57.060 Oh yeah.

00:19:57.420 When you see people, people coming out of comas and they're like, she's a fighter.

00:19:59.960 I'm not.

00:20:01.540 I'll go.

00:20:02.260 Go ahead and let me go.

00:20:03.260 Yeah.

00:20:03.400 I've had a good time, but I'm not begging to stick around.

00:20:05.220 Do you know what I mean?

00:20:05.740 You do strike me as like Gil from Finding Nemo.

00:20:08.520 Just like, just bend through it.

00:20:10.460 The hot scarred one.

00:20:11.740 That's the, that's the fish that people say they're attracted to. 0.97

00:20:14.540 I know that's fucking right. 0.97

00:20:17.220 Exactly. 0.99

00:20:17.540 I know that's fucking right. 0.99

00:20:18.520 There you go. 0.99

00:20:18.980 I wish I had a face scar.

00:20:20.180 God, I would work that.

00:20:21.840 Drew's nails can make it happen.

00:20:23.020 God, I would work it.

00:20:23.720 Y'all cut me.

00:20:24.980 Y'all cut me on the show.

00:20:26.360 I'm like, I don't need that. 0.71

00:20:27.700 Pull out a knife.

00:20:31.280 Comedically large sword.

00:20:33.140 Sometimes I look at my past when I was like a child and I'm like, yeah, I needed attention

00:20:37.640 bad.

00:20:38.240 This makes sense.

00:20:39.320 Yeah.

00:20:39.540 You know what I mean?

00:20:40.040 Yeah.

00:20:40.240 I needed that.

00:20:41.020 Anything to be different.

00:20:41.880 Yeah.

00:20:42.220 And literally anything at all.

00:20:44.060 Did you guys have any memories like that when you were kids?

00:20:47.080 I'll tell you what.

00:20:47.880 I got one.

00:20:48.740 Let's hear it.

00:20:49.480 Every day for about two years, I refused to wear anything except for cowboy boots with

00:20:54.060 a full Ken City Chiefs windsuit and a little cowboy hat.

00:20:57.620 And here's what I would do to play.

00:20:58.700 This was my play.

00:20:59.500 Okay.

00:20:59.720 Not play.

00:21:00.440 This was my play.

00:21:01.520 I was like seven.

00:21:02.100 And I would go out in the yard with a shovel and I would dig in a ditch for a couple hours.

00:21:06.440 I would just dig around.

00:21:07.280 I'd move dirt around and I'd go inside all dirty and sweaty.

00:21:10.080 And my mom would be like, how was work today?

00:21:13.200 Why are you cosplaying blue collar?

00:21:15.440 Girl, girl.

00:21:16.500 The way I would go in the house dirty.

00:21:17.920 I'd be like rolling up my sleeves.

00:21:18.780 I'd be like, can I get some water?

00:21:19.960 She'd be like, can I get some water?

00:21:21.440 And my coworkers were all imaginary, named after country music stars.

00:21:25.440 I'd be like, oh, me, Kenny, Chesney.

00:21:28.920 Me, Kenny.

00:21:29.440 By the way.

00:21:29.880 Me, Kenny, Chesney.

00:21:30.660 Tim, McGraw.

00:21:32.620 I said, me, Kenny, and Tim got about as much done as we could out there today.

00:21:35.600 But it was a hot one.

00:21:37.080 And my mom would be like, I know that's right.

00:21:38.420 But I'm dead ass serious.

00:21:39.860 What are you doing physically? 0.95

00:21:41.800 Reba's going to wring my neck in the morning. 1.00

00:21:43.540 I'm dead ass serious. 1.00

00:21:44.240 Reba's going to have my ass. 1.00

00:21:45.160 I would go out there. 1.00

00:21:46.000 I would go out there and dig ditches.

00:21:47.940 And I would just dig all day long.

00:21:49.200 And I'd go inside.

00:21:49.920 My mom, who's actually a single mom working multiple jobs, by the way, would have to like. 1.00

00:21:53.100 She's like, I actually got enough going on.

00:21:54.480 She would have to like play along to my little bits.

00:21:56.360 We're going to see if she answers me right now.

00:22:00.000 Oh, my God.

00:22:01.120 Answered on the first ring. 1.00

00:22:01.960 Pathetic. 1.00

00:22:03.700 Hey, mom. 1.00

00:22:05.120 She said, I don't have a life.

00:22:06.120 Oh, girl.

00:22:06.460 OK.

00:22:06.700 Hey, you're on a podcast.

00:22:08.060 So my friends, Brittany and Drew are here.

00:22:10.640 Do you want to say hi?

00:22:11.540 How are you?

00:22:12.420 Hi.

00:22:13.500 I'm good.

00:22:14.280 How are you?

00:22:15.220 Good.

00:22:15.920 Hey, I want to ask you a quick question.

00:22:17.320 You're on camera and audio.

00:22:19.400 Well, you're on audio.

00:22:20.040 So when I was a kid, did I dress up in cowboy boots and a full Chiefs windsuit for like a

00:22:27.060 year or two straight?

00:22:28.340 Yeah.

00:22:28.920 I had to basically wait for you to fall asleep and take it off of you.

00:22:32.460 And what would he do in the windsuit when he was playing?

00:22:34.780 Yeah.

00:22:34.980 What would I do in the yard when I was playing with Kenny and Tim?

00:22:37.880 You did all sorts of stuff with Kenny and Tim.

00:22:41.420 OK.

00:22:42.080 Not being very specific.

00:22:43.480 Mom, the content's better if you say specific things.

00:22:45.620 You talked to him.

00:22:48.220 I had to set a plate at the table for him.

00:22:50.320 She had to set a plate at the table for them? 0.98

00:22:53.100 Yeah.

00:22:53.460 For Timmy.

00:22:54.340 I would get.

00:22:54.900 You never make me for Kenny, but I had to for Timmy.

00:22:56.860 I guess Kenny didn't deserve to eat.

00:22:59.720 Would I or would I not go out and like play in the dirt and pretend that we had worked

00:23:03.340 like a long, hard day?

00:23:04.880 Oh, yes.

00:23:06.480 Yes.

00:23:07.340 She would come in and be so tired from working outside with Timmy. 1.00

00:23:11.300 And here I had worked a 12-hour shit. 0.99

00:23:13.260 What did I say? 0.99

00:23:16.080 What did I say?

00:23:17.020 All right.

00:23:17.280 I love you, girl.

00:23:17.860 You have a good one.

00:23:18.420 OK?

00:23:19.340 Love you.

00:23:20.160 Bye. 0.97

00:23:21.140 She's like, yeah, here I am fucking toiling over three jobs, by the way. 1.00

00:23:24.620 By the way, a nurse. 0.99

00:23:27.260 Nurse. 1.00

00:23:27.980 And she has to handle me coming in being like, where's the water, bitch? 1.00

00:23:31.140 God. 0.99

00:23:31.540 And dinner's not ready?

00:23:32.760 Yeah. 1.00

00:23:33.200 On the table, bitch. 1.00

00:23:34.640 You know? 1.00

00:23:34.980 Oh, my God.

00:23:35.780 She was tickled pink by that.

00:23:36.900 Did you hear her at the end?

00:23:37.460 She loved that.

00:23:38.640 Oh, God.

00:23:41.540 Yeah.

00:23:41.960 She's down bad.

00:23:42.700 She's down bad.

00:23:43.400 She stands me hard.

00:23:44.380 I like how you were cosplaying blue collar work.

00:23:47.580 Oh, couldn't help it.

00:23:48.040 You're a mine coal. 0.62

00:23:48.840 Because you knew you would never.

00:23:50.800 No.

00:23:51.300 I knew then.

00:23:51.900 I was like, this is about as dirty as it's going to get for me.

00:23:53.800 Yeah.

00:23:54.160 You're like, I'm all about the pageantry of hard work, but not the actual hard work.

00:23:58.760 Stolen valor.

00:23:59.080 Like, physical.

00:23:59.940 Physical.

00:24:00.340 Really stolen valor.

00:24:01.280 Stolen valor.

00:24:02.340 Railroad workers.

00:24:03.680 Well, I'm looking at y'all's hands, and they've never worked a day on their lives.

00:24:06.400 Obviously.

00:24:06.960 And so, the three of us, we have a lot in common in that.

00:24:09.060 And it's true. 0.56

00:24:10.220 What was y'all's first job?

00:24:11.120 What was y'all's first job?

00:24:12.700 My first job?

00:24:15.800 I think it was, like, legitimately when I got paid for was in college, and I worked

00:24:19.940 in, like, the athletics, athletic department office.

00:24:23.200 I was, like, an assistant.

00:24:24.500 At the University of Hawaii.

00:24:25.560 Yeah. 0.98

00:24:25.800 I was literally, like, an Aaron running whore. 0.97

00:24:27.720 Like, that's all I was, really. 0.96

00:24:28.940 I was printing papers and putting them and getting yelled at.

00:24:32.080 Yeah.

00:24:32.280 A golfer.

00:24:32.820 Sweating in a two-type polo.

00:24:34.200 That actually seems to be a theme in all my jobs.

00:24:35.940 Yeah.

00:24:36.240 You were in those polos bits. 1.00

00:24:37.500 Oh, girl.

00:24:38.260 You were in there for a little bit.

00:24:39.080 Button to the top.

00:24:40.480 One mono boob. 0.63

00:24:41.520 You were keeping Dick's Sporting Goods alive.

00:24:43.340 Yeah, alive and well, actually.

00:24:45.320 Not Dick's, please.

00:24:46.260 Academy.

00:24:47.080 And you can guess I was a Baskin-Robbins employee.

00:24:49.540 Thank you so much.

00:24:51.000 Surely by my thick knuckles from scooping. 0.99

00:24:53.240 Your dirty, dirty palms. 0.98

00:24:54.920 My calloused palms from scooping. 0.93

00:24:57.960 How was that job?

00:24:59.020 It was, um, I think every single person should have to work in the food industry.

00:25:03.620 Yeah, I did.

00:25:04.320 I was a server in college once.

00:25:06.120 I think every single person should have to either prepare food for people or serve food

00:25:10.200 to people.

00:25:10.620 Yeah.

00:25:10.960 Because it teaches you a lot about humanity.

00:25:12.880 Totally.

00:25:13.160 And it teaches you a lot about how unhygienic places are.

00:25:16.200 I was 16, mind you.

00:25:17.380 They let me open and close the store by my lonesome.

00:25:21.080 At 16 years old?

00:25:22.360 I'm taking money out of the register.

00:25:24.760 I'm scooping, like, digging my own spoon in there.

00:25:27.840 Truly.

00:25:28.260 Yeah.

00:25:28.460 I'm double dipping.

00:25:29.420 I'm double dipping.

00:25:30.520 That's actually how COVID started.

00:25:32.060 Yeah, well.

00:25:32.900 In the daiquiri ice tub in the Baskin-Robbins in South Lake, Texas.

00:25:36.720 I had grown men coming in every day being like, the usual for me, this is my first day here.

00:25:42.740 King.

00:25:42.960 King.

00:25:43.060 You mean usual.

00:25:43.900 Also, their usual, a large praline milkshake.

00:25:47.180 Yeah.

00:25:48.120 Yeah.

00:25:48.680 You know how large?

00:25:50.220 This is how big a large is at Baskin-Robbins, dude.

00:25:54.020 That is a large milkshake.

00:25:54.800 It's like that Panda Express cup. 1.00

00:25:56.420 You know that shit? 1.00

00:25:57.020 It's like 32 ounces. 1.00

00:25:58.240 Period.

00:25:59.140 Period.

00:25:59.740 A liter.

00:26:00.460 And then yelling at me when I'm like, sir, we ran out.

00:26:02.920 Yeah.

00:26:03.240 We're dry.

00:26:04.320 Yeah, you were in here yesterday and the day before.

00:26:05.780 And the truck comes once a week, honey.

00:26:09.480 You're like, that's 72 ounces of praline milkshake you've consumed, sir.

00:26:13.260 Hey, baby, I'll talk to upper management, but for now, pick a different one.

00:26:17.300 You know what I mean?

00:26:18.220 Let me see what I can get going for you.

00:26:19.820 Oh, my God.

00:26:20.280 Yeah, it was horrible.

00:26:20.860 Being a server was the worst job I've literally ever had.

00:26:23.660 Oh, I loved it.

00:26:24.620 Did you?

00:26:25.100 Oh, my God.

00:26:25.460 I worked in food service for four years.

00:26:26.980 My first job ever, I decorated cakes at a Golden Corral.

00:26:29.420 Period.

00:26:29.960 Period.

00:26:30.620 Now, I did not know Golden Corral had decorated cakes. 0.99

00:26:32.660 You better fucking believe it. 0.99

00:26:33.640 That's your culture. 1.00

00:26:34.600 They have little carrots on every slice.

00:26:36.020 A little corral.

00:26:37.000 That's where your people go to worship.

00:26:38.080 Oh, my.

00:26:39.000 Yo, you're absolutely right about that.

00:26:40.100 It's the closest thing to a temple that isn't owned by the church.

00:26:42.360 One hundred percent.

00:26:43.180 I loved waiting tables.

00:26:44.560 I honestly miss it.

00:26:45.420 I loved.

00:26:46.020 Tech clocks.

00:26:46.480 I just loved it.

00:26:47.000 Yeah, that makes sense.

00:26:47.980 Yeah.

00:26:48.080 I was like, I was like, I was like, what is going on, y'all?

00:26:52.740 Why am I euphoric?

00:26:53.880 I would go up to a table and I'd be like, hey.

00:26:56.880 Hey.

00:26:57.440 Boy, am I good to see you.

00:26:58.400 I'm glad to see y'all.

00:26:59.360 Oh, my God.

00:27:00.040 I'm good to see y'all.

00:27:00.800 Aren't you a sight for sunrise?

00:27:03.300 I'm good to see y'all.

00:27:04.200 I loved it.

00:27:04.920 Every single table, I was like, this is a new friend.

00:27:07.180 I loved it so much.

00:27:08.080 And when they ordered something complicated, I loved it even more.

00:27:10.740 Because that's what?

00:27:11.980 Fellowship.

00:27:12.400 Because I said, what's going to happen?

00:27:13.220 I'm going to get it right and you're going to be shocked.

00:27:16.120 Oh, I loved it.

00:27:16.940 It's community.

00:27:17.800 Oh, yeah.

00:27:18.100 My first and last serving job, I worked in a steakhouse in Hawaii.

00:27:22.700 And I told the guy up front, I'm like, I can only work part-time because I had a full

00:27:26.520 class load and another job. 0.96

00:27:28.120 So I was like, this is literally getting fucked up money. 0.97

00:27:30.760 This is the money. 0.95

00:27:31.560 So my other money can go towards my bills.

00:27:33.220 This is for me getting drunk.

00:27:34.760 Period.

00:27:35.200 Period.

00:27:35.580 And so I made good money, too, because it was a high-end steakhouse.

00:27:39.700 And I remember he was like, OK, two, three days a week.

00:27:42.440 I'm like, cool.

00:27:43.240 I start working. 0.99

00:27:44.040 It's hard as fuck, mind you. 0.99

00:27:45.940 Why? 0.99

00:27:46.200 I had to come in three hours before my shift and set up the salad bar and everything.

00:27:50.540 And I had to like, yeah, girl. 0.98

00:27:52.040 That was our whole goddamn day. 0.98

00:27:53.840 Were you harvesting the lettuce? 0.99

00:27:55.840 I'm like packing it in the bag.

00:27:58.840 I literally remember my very first day.

00:28:01.680 He was like, you need shorts and a t-shirt is what I wore.

00:28:04.920 And then he had to have white shoes.

00:28:06.600 And so the shorts, I thought he said black, but it's supposed to be khaki.

00:28:09.840 So I brought black shorts, the right length, whatever.

00:28:13.880 And I was like, oh, I'm sorry.

00:28:14.720 I was like, it's OK.

00:28:15.400 I'll buy another one after today, and then I'll wear them.

00:28:17.440 He goes, well, you can't wear those on the floor.

00:28:18.860 You have to be in uniform.

00:28:19.820 And I'm like, well, I don't have any.

00:28:21.580 He's like, don't worry.

00:28:22.400 I have some.

00:28:23.280 And you're probably wondering, didn't you say it was a man?

00:28:25.040 Yeah, I did.

00:28:26.080 And he went and got his backup cargo shorts, which turned out to be another man who served there.

00:28:31.100 They were his shorts.

00:28:32.220 Why they were at the restaurant, I don't know.

00:28:33.940 Not sisterhood of the traveling cargo.

00:28:35.860 I'm like, these are the community cargoes.

00:28:38.340 So he told me to put them on.

00:28:39.640 Yeah, he told me to put them on.

00:28:41.520 He's like, you can't serve unless you put these on.

00:28:43.180 I put them on their men's cargo shorts.

00:28:45.820 I'm not a man, obviously. 1.00

00:28:47.280 So they're like tight as fuck on my fupa and my fucking stomach. 1.00

00:28:51.320 And then they're like literally skin tight on the thighs. 1.00

00:28:55.060 And then they bell bottom right here.

00:28:56.700 So I look like the world's worst safari park ranger. 0.99

00:29:00.220 And I'm like, you got me looking fucked. 0.99

00:29:02.000 And I literally have a big ass camel toe and a wedgie. 1.00

00:29:05.220 You got to see how a moose knuckle too.

00:29:07.000 All of a sudden, the moose knuckle comes with the cargoes, apparently. 1.00

00:29:12.720 Oh, shit. 1.00

00:29:13.360 And I was like, I can't wear these. 1.00

00:29:15.960 I was literally in tears because I'm like, this is the fugliest I've ever looked.

00:29:19.260 And I told him, I'm like, can I please put on my other shorts?

00:29:22.300 He was like, no.

00:29:23.460 So I served all night in those.

00:29:25.440 And I know you did.

00:29:26.360 And I had such bad chub rub.

00:29:28.340 And my legs weren't even touching.

00:29:30.040 That's real.

00:29:30.620 And that's from the shorts.

00:29:31.560 Literally just chafing away.

00:29:32.920 Oh, god.

00:29:33.560 And then I thought to myself, yeah, I'm not going to last year after that day.

00:29:36.980 And I got fired.

00:29:38.120 Uh-oh.

00:29:38.580 What?

00:29:40.060 Uh-oh.

00:29:40.820 Uh-oh.

00:29:41.340 Uh-oh.

00:29:41.900 Hold on.

00:29:42.920 Hold the phone.

00:29:43.720 I only served there for probably like two-ish months.

00:29:46.620 And then like one day I came in and he told me, oh, so I have shifts for you for a Christmas break.

00:29:52.920 And I'm not, obviously didn't live in Hawaii like I was going home.

00:29:55.700 I was like, no, I told you I'm going home for the holidays.

00:29:57.600 And he was like, well, if you want to move up in the restaurant industry, stop right there.

00:30:01.120 I don't.

00:30:02.280 Hey, I don't.

00:30:03.200 Like, you made me look like a safari worker on my first day.

00:30:05.660 I don't want to work here forever. 1.00

00:30:06.920 Are you out of your fucking mind? 0.99

00:30:08.240 And so I was like, yeah, no, I told you I can only do part time. 1.00

00:30:11.320 I'm doing my three shifts a week.

00:30:12.680 And he was like, oh, okay.

00:30:14.020 Next time I came in to serve, he had me train somebody, like a man. 1.00

00:30:17.220 And he's like, oh, I need you to train this guy.

00:30:18.700 He's going to work the shifts that you don't pick up.

00:30:20.440 I'm like, okay.

00:30:21.580 Mind you, this guy, he's tweaking.

00:30:23.380 Like the minute I meet him, he's like, you know what I'm saying?

00:30:26.660 Josh Peck from that one episode of Drinking Josh.

00:30:28.420 Yeah, he's literally like twitching and grinding his teeth a lot.

00:30:30.980 And I was like, okay.

00:30:32.860 And he kept, he left, I'm not kidding, at least 20 times during the shift to go do meth in the bathroom.

00:30:38.840 Like literally, I can hear him.

00:30:39.980 I followed him over there once to like listen.

00:30:41.720 And I heard it like, period, period, period, stop.

00:30:50.160 No, for real, I was like, like that.

00:30:53.000 It's like the start of a Lil Wayne song.

00:30:55.320 No, that is crazy.

00:30:56.680 Blood blowing.

00:30:58.000 Yeah, literally.

00:31:00.680 Work is hard.

00:31:01.300 You should be allowed to do meth at work.

00:31:03.600 That's real.

00:31:04.320 Legalize it. 0.84

00:31:04.960 After the shift, my manager's like, oh, can I talk to you outside?

00:31:08.120 I'm like, yeah, sure.

00:31:08.980 And I figure it's about the guy.

00:31:10.260 And I'm like, hey, he's doing meth.

00:31:11.680 I don't think he's the guy.

00:31:13.080 My gut tells me meth is a big no.

00:31:14.920 He's not our guy.

00:31:15.760 Yeah, I go out there.

00:31:16.480 I'm like, okay, I do have a lot of notes.

00:31:18.120 And he goes, yeah, I'm moving you off your shifts.

00:31:21.340 And I'm putting you on call exclusively.

00:31:23.180 And you no longer work here.

00:31:24.520 That's like literally what he told me.

00:31:25.940 And I was like. 1.00

00:31:26.580 Type shit. 1.00

00:31:27.260 I was like, oh, oh, okay. 1.00

00:31:29.880 Well, did you want to hear about the meth guy?

00:31:33.240 No?

00:31:34.000 Okay.

00:31:34.440 He said, if I'm going down, everyone's going down with me.

00:31:36.060 Yeah, and I was like, oh, okay.

00:31:38.160 Well, all right. 0.98

00:31:39.480 And I just like went, got my shit, and left. 0.99

00:31:41.340 And then I called Jason. 0.99

00:31:42.420 And I was like, call her at the bus.

00:31:44.120 I'm sitting at the bus stop across the street, by the way.

00:31:46.460 So they're all watching me as I'm sitting there.

00:31:48.220 And tears in my eyes.

00:31:49.320 And I'm calling my sister. 0.99

00:31:50.760 And she's fucked up going home from a Demi Lovato concert. 0.98

00:31:56.140 What's going on? 0.99

00:31:57.220 And then I was like, dude, I think he just got fucking fired. 0.98

00:32:00.200 Like, I'm literally like in tears. 0.99

00:32:01.880 In the background, it's like, give me a heart and break.

00:32:04.820 She's still there.

00:32:07.200 She's in the bathroom at the stadium.

00:32:09.260 Remember when she sang heart attack at that cardiovascular event?

00:32:11.880 What?

00:32:13.520 What?

00:32:14.400 Do you guys remember that?

00:32:16.520 She did that every time. 0.99

00:32:17.820 No.

00:32:18.640 She went to some sort of cardiovascular whatever event.

00:32:22.740 She sang heart attack, and then she couldn't believe people were mad. 0.92

00:32:25.560 Mother bullet. 0.52

00:32:26.220 Mother bullet. 0.52

00:32:27.980 Mother attack. 1.00

00:32:28.780 I'm like, what the fuck were we even talking about? 1.00

00:32:33.100 I was like, I remember when she sang that song at cardiovascular event. 0.98

00:32:37.200 Anyways, that's the story of how I got fired from my restaurant job.

00:32:40.520 One time when I worked at Golden Corral, you could put in time off requests in this

00:32:44.120 little system.

00:32:44.860 And this mean old guy ran the restaurant named Kevin. 1.00

00:32:47.420 Kevin, fuck you, bitch. 1.00

00:32:49.240 I know you're watching, bitch. 1.00

00:32:51.080 Kevin, I know you're a big fan of the pod. 0.99

00:32:52.580 Yeah, and I'm glad your wife got everything in the divorce.

00:32:54.540 What if he was a huge comment section fan? 0.99

00:32:59.880 He's watching, he's like, god damn it. 0.98

00:33:01.040 He's at home with his mug. 1.00

00:33:03.460 He's like, fuck. 1.00

00:33:04.880 Catching straight. 1.00

00:33:06.560 Kevin, eat a million dicks, you're a bitch. 1.00

00:33:08.760 You know what you did, bitch. 1.00

00:33:10.120 But I put in a request saying I couldn't work. 1.00

00:33:12.080 There was one Friday night I couldn't work.

00:33:13.260 Mind you, I'm 15.

00:33:14.140 I'm working 5 a.m. breakfast shifts on Saturdays.

00:33:17.480 Who is it?

00:33:17.920 The GC at 5 a.m.?

00:33:19.740 Well, they have an omelette bar that I had to set up. 0.99

00:33:21.780 See, I always have to set shit up. 0.96

00:33:24.960 You're prepped for the omelette bar. 1.00

00:33:26.400 I was fist deep in the Baskin-Robbins toilet cleaning that shit. 1.00

00:33:29.320 Cleaning all the vomit out of it. 0.99

00:33:31.520 I put in a request that was like, hey, there's one Friday night I can't work. 0.98

00:33:34.680 It's literally like fucking Hilary Duff and Cinderella vibes. 0.97

00:33:37.220 I'm like, it's homecoming. 1.00

00:33:41.780 Fucking diner girl. 1.00

00:33:42.940 Do you have a Chad Michael Murray that popped into the story? 1.00

00:33:44.880 Oh, god, no.

00:33:46.440 Don't care.

00:33:47.440 We'll talk about it on camera.

00:33:48.340 But I was like, there's one Friday night I can't work.

00:33:51.880 It's homecoming.

00:33:52.720 Yeah.

00:33:53.040 And I was like, so I can't work that night.

00:33:54.600 I put in the request.

00:33:55.140 Immediately get a phone call from Kevin.

00:33:56.300 And he goes, hi, I don't know if you have ever had a job before.

00:34:00.240 No, mind you, I am 15. 0.97

00:34:02.520 So no, sir, I have not at your big ass age. 0.98

00:34:05.600 Actually, I haven't. 0.98

00:34:06.460 Oh, no.

00:34:06.860 Actually, this is my first one.

00:34:07.740 I'm shocked you couldn't tell.

00:34:10.140 And he goes, you don't tell your boss when you can and can't work.

00:34:12.820 And I started crying.

00:34:13.580 And I was like, I'm up for a homecoming gig.

00:34:17.320 And did you win?

00:34:19.300 Oh.

00:34:21.620 No.

00:34:23.260 No, but.

00:34:27.660 I, um, yeah, it was a tough time in my life. 0.98

00:34:30.480 That's fucking crazy. 1.00

00:34:31.400 We're all adults, bitches. 1.00

00:34:32.600 Y'all, you're 40. 1.00

00:34:36.200 Y'all are the supervisors.

00:34:37.940 Like, you guys are the married couple, not me. 1.00

00:34:39.920 Holy shit. 0.99

00:34:40.880 Where are my agents? 0.99

00:34:41.540 Oh, my God.

00:34:46.980 Have you ever won homecoming king, queen, prom, queen?

00:34:49.820 I've won it all, honey.

00:34:51.340 I've won it all.

00:34:52.440 That's going to be a no for me.

00:34:55.000 That's going to be a big no.

00:34:56.460 I would vote for both of y'all for royalty.

00:34:58.640 Oh, thanks.

00:35:00.000 Y'all are the homecoming queens of my life.

00:35:01.420 You want to hear something funny?

00:35:02.380 When I was in high school, they had this rule that like, because social media was like,

00:35:07.140 I guess like, it was new-ish, right?

00:35:09.400 It was emerging because I'm from colonial times.

00:35:11.400 So, like, you know, I was on the covered wagon and Instagram wasn't- 0.96

00:35:15.220 Bitch, you were in Edwardian times. 1.00

00:35:16.660 When I was in high school, you had the printing press that just come out and Gutenberg was 0.99

00:35:20.480 doing numbers. 0.99

00:35:22.740 Gutenberg the motherfucker. 0.99

00:35:24.240 I literally remember the ASB, like the head of ASB, like the teacher or whatever, she was 1.00

00:35:30.240 a bitch. 1.00

00:35:30.920 But she literally would not let you campaign on social media. 1.00

00:35:35.100 Like, you could not tweet about it.

00:35:36.780 You couldn't post on Instagram.

00:35:37.440 Like, you literally couldn't do that because she said it was unfair to kids who didn't have

00:35:40.660 social media. 0.98

00:35:41.400 Which I found to be bullshit, personally. 0.97

00:35:44.060 But I remember when I was, I think I was a junior going to be a senior. 0.90

00:35:47.960 So, like, Jason and Billy were both seniors at my high school at the time.

00:35:51.460 I was like running for senior student council because I was trying to put it on my resume.

00:35:55.940 And I was like, eh.

00:35:56.300 Y'all are so alike.

00:35:57.260 Yeah.

00:35:57.760 But I was kind of like, what's the least amount of responsibility?

00:36:01.740 Okay, I'll run for treasurer.

00:36:02.700 Like, that's how I decided.

00:36:04.120 So, I was like-

00:36:04.280 In charge of the money?

00:36:06.960 I was like, what's the least amount of responsibility?

00:36:09.660 I was like, what's something I could get someone else to do for me that still have the title?

00:36:13.340 And so, I literally was like, eh, I'll do treasurer.

00:36:15.200 And so, they had, like, different stages of running for it.

00:36:18.560 So, like, the first one was, like, you just had to get on the ballot. 0.99

00:36:21.080 And then the second one, like, them having fucking primaries. 0.95

00:36:23.440 And then the second one was, like, the actual one. 0.99

00:36:25.140 Yeah, you had to go to Iowa and caucus.

00:36:26.720 Yeah, exactly.

00:36:27.720 Everyone in the gymnasium went to a corner.

00:36:29.400 Yeah, the NRA.

00:36:30.380 She's running red, of course.

00:36:30.840 I'm like, I did go to the NRA, but that was unrelated.

00:36:33.480 Yeah.

00:36:34.100 The convention, but that was unrelated to my campaign.

00:36:36.500 But anyways, it is relative to my politics, though. 0.95

00:36:39.280 And so, then when I was three of us, I completely fucking forgot.

00:36:43.580 Like, I completely forgot that we were having the primary vote or whatever. 0.72

00:36:46.960 So, I just started telling people.

00:36:48.300 I was like, hey, hey, make sure you vote for me today.

00:36:50.800 And I was, like, up against, I think, a cheerleader and one other kid that was, like, this big ASB kid.

00:36:55.680 And only two of us could make it.

00:36:57.760 And so, I think that cheerleader was pretty confident she was going to be me.

00:37:00.760 Because she had all these fancy-ass posters and everything everywhere. 0.98

00:37:03.120 And I was, like, I was just, like, word of mouth.

00:37:05.500 Be like, hey, if you're voting, make sure you vote for me.

00:37:08.100 And so, I just started doing that.

00:37:09.680 But I didn't realize at the time that Dace and Billy were both telling people to go vote for me, too.

00:37:14.100 And, like, obviously, you've seen Billy.

00:37:16.320 He looked like that in high school.

00:37:17.340 So, yeah, a lot of people are going to listen to him.

00:37:18.900 It's actually not true.

00:37:19.860 He looked like a Mexican Jonas Brother. 0.87

00:37:22.240 I've seen the photos.

00:37:23.400 I don't care what he looked like.

00:37:24.240 I've seen him now.

00:37:24.940 And if he came up to me in high school and said, vote for this girl for a president, I'd be like, no worries.

00:37:30.400 Actually, it's no worries.

00:37:31.120 I'd be whatever you want.

00:37:32.840 Yeah, 6'2 in high school. 0.99

00:37:34.300 What the fuck is that? 0.99

00:37:35.140 Yeah. 1.00

00:37:35.560 No, I'm good.

00:37:36.240 Anyways. 1.00

00:37:36.540 See you, bitch. 1.00

00:37:36.940 And I remember he was helping campaign for me. 1.00

00:37:39.680 And I made it onto the ballot.

00:37:41.080 And then the for real one started.

00:37:42.560 And I remember he tweeted about me at the, like, final thing.

00:37:46.140 And he was like, hey, everyone, make sure you go vote for Drew.

00:37:48.880 And then I literally called him. 0.99

00:37:50.340 And I was like, delete that fucking tweet. 1.00

00:37:52.160 You're going to get me fucking disqualified. 1.00

00:37:53.840 Like, I literally was so mad at him because he tweeted that shit. 1.00

00:37:56.640 When he was trying to ride for his woman. 1.00

00:37:58.160 Oh, yeah.

00:37:58.880 Before I was his woman.

00:37:59.740 That was when I was like, you know what I mean?

00:38:01.140 I was in a real one of those phases with him.

00:38:02.940 Yeah.

00:38:03.320 I was really annoyed with him all the time.

00:38:04.560 We've been through that many times.

00:38:06.000 Yeah.

00:38:06.500 You with Caleb?

00:38:07.220 Yes.

00:38:07.740 Oh, God.

00:38:08.680 Have we ever.

00:38:09.320 That's pretty, pretty privilege.

00:38:10.980 Well, this one, this one.

00:38:13.360 My goofy y'all. 0.97

00:38:15.520 My crazy y'all. 0.99

00:38:16.380 This silly, silly one right here. 0.99

00:38:18.500 The way she finally bagged me was, I had told her no for two years straight. 0.99

00:38:24.140 At least.

00:38:24.200 I said, no, no, no.

00:38:25.180 I said, get away. 1.00

00:38:25.760 I'm not interested.

00:38:26.220 I'm not interested.

00:38:27.220 And she, she came up behind. 0.94

00:38:29.260 I'm going to cry because this is so true.

00:38:31.420 She came up.

00:38:32.200 I was getting in my car.

00:38:32.880 I was in a parking garage.

00:38:33.580 I was getting in my car.

00:38:34.380 She came up behind me and put chloroform over my face. 0.99

00:38:37.220 It works.

00:38:37.700 It works.

00:38:38.260 And I passed out.

00:38:39.420 And I came to in her house.

00:38:42.360 Yes.

00:38:42.940 And she said, you're going to be my man or else.

00:38:45.420 And we have been together ever since.

00:38:47.400 13 years.

00:38:48.760 13 years.

00:38:49.620 And two beautiful children.

00:38:51.760 That I do not care for.

00:38:53.240 That is all.

00:38:53.880 She doesn't.

00:38:54.620 She really doesn't.

00:38:55.660 She really doesn't.

00:38:56.880 And I am just picking up the slack.

00:38:58.680 And I'm happy to do it.

00:38:59.960 And we share a beautiful Toyota Camry.

00:39:03.760 Serious question for both of you.

00:39:05.280 What's the most embarrassing thing that's happened to you when you were in high school?

00:39:08.960 Oh, God.

00:39:10.100 Something that altered the trajectory of your path.

00:39:12.880 Oh, I asked a young gentleman to prom and he said no.

00:39:15.980 What?

00:39:16.720 Yeah.

00:39:17.620 Yeah.

00:39:17.840 In what way?

00:39:18.520 Like, he just went, no.

00:39:19.380 In a way that was very visceral and impassioned.

00:39:23.160 You know?

00:39:23.620 Really?

00:39:23.760 I was like, and I texted him.

00:39:25.320 I got his, that should have been my number one sign. 0.70

00:39:27.840 This was not a young gentleman that I had his phone number previously.

00:39:30.600 Okay.

00:39:30.860 I got it from someone.

00:39:31.860 And I texted him.

00:39:32.540 And I was like, his name was Ajay.

00:39:34.780 Okay?

00:39:35.000 He was a young Indian man.

00:39:36.120 Loved him.

00:39:36.840 Okay.

00:39:36.980 And I texted him and I said, Ajay, you know, you and me have something special.

00:39:41.500 Do you want to go to prom together?

00:39:42.760 And he hit me back with a, you know, I don't look at you like that.

00:39:46.360 No.

00:39:47.120 No.

00:39:47.860 No.

00:39:48.380 A no would have been good. 0.98

00:39:49.640 You could have, I mean, just, uh, uh, uh.

00:39:52.040 A no would have been okay. 0.94

00:39:53.160 You said, you said, Ajay, I felt something between us.

00:39:54.740 He said, time out, Shrek.

00:39:58.200 Pause.

00:39:58.980 Back to the swamp.

00:39:59.780 No, he said, he said, that's about to hurt my feelings.

00:40:02.380 He said, that's mean.

00:40:03.420 He said, that's really mean. 0.99

00:40:04.760 That's really fucked up. 0.99

00:40:05.620 Ajay, we had something. 0.99

00:40:06.820 That's mean.

00:40:07.440 That's mean. 0.99

00:40:08.200 That's really fucked up that you would say that to me. 0.99

00:40:09.840 Yeah. 0.99

00:40:10.100 That was like, truly like, I cried that night and I was like, I couldn't, then I had to

00:40:13.700 laugh because I was like, that's actually so mean.

00:40:15.460 It's hilarious.

00:40:16.600 Him being like, you know, I don't see you like that.

00:40:18.980 I did not.

00:40:20.580 I did not.

00:40:21.180 I'm finding out right now, so no.

00:40:22.920 This is news to me.

00:40:24.920 That's probably going to be number one.

00:40:26.380 That's going to be high up there.

00:40:27.400 I, um, high school, boy, was really good for me.

00:40:32.360 Nothing comes to mind.

00:40:33.740 Yeah, I mean, I'm really like, sorry, I want to have a sad story like yours, but, um, it

00:40:38.780 was a pretty charmed life for me.

00:40:41.700 Bewitched.

00:40:42.180 I have, I have one from, from middle school, though, that comes to my mind constantly.

00:40:46.320 Like, sometimes when I'm just walking down the street in the middle of a busy day, I'll

00:40:49.120 go, oh, that happened.

00:40:50.120 Brings you to your knees.

00:40:51.040 I have one like that, too, from middle school.

00:40:53.460 I wanted to be more, um, outgoing at school.

00:40:56.780 That was something I was working on.

00:40:57.760 Because at the time, I was really, I wasn't ever shy, but I was like, I just wasn't, I

00:41:01.960 hadn't figured myself out yet, you know?

00:41:03.660 And it was like probably eighth grade, and there were these, there was this, uh, student

00:41:06.460 council meeting that was going on, and all the cool kids were going to be in there, and

00:41:09.180 it was in Miss Munsterman's class.

00:41:10.980 Shout out.

00:41:11.460 Shout out, Joy Munsterman.

00:41:12.700 I hope you're happy, girl.

00:41:13.880 I'm so sorry I'm not Christian anymore, but my love to you, and.

00:41:17.040 And I am gay.

00:41:18.740 And I am gay, and I don't think she would care about that.

00:41:20.740 She's pretty cool.

00:41:21.500 She, well, I don't want to get into it, but she, um, it was a pajama day.

00:41:25.120 Okay.

00:41:25.460 And so I was wearing sleep pants like everyone was, and I, um, I pulled, I was like, oh,

00:41:29.120 you know what would be funny is if I pulled my sleep pants up real high.

00:41:32.000 The classic bit.

00:41:33.260 And I was like, and so I was like, so I was like, I was like, everyone will laugh at

00:41:37.540 this.

00:41:38.140 And so I walked into the room, my sleep pants pulled up all high, and I was like, you know,

00:41:42.000 doing that.

00:41:42.580 And everyone did laugh, but everyone, and I, so since everyone laughed, I kept doing it

00:41:46.360 the rest of the day.

00:41:47.180 And finally, one of the cool kids, like two hours later, came over to me, and he was like,

00:41:51.180 he was like, hey, uh, the bit you're doing with your pants, like, I know people are laughing,

00:41:55.140 but it's actually mean because we're getting like a really visible outline of your ball sack, 1.00

00:41:58.860 and also your asshole, and like your pants are so high up that like your balls are on 1.00

00:42:03.740 like crazy display, and also your dick print is like really pronounced, and no one wants 1.00

00:42:08.860 to tell you. 0.99

00:42:10.560 It's actually really fucking gross, so go ahead and put that away for me. 0.98

00:42:14.560 And I literally, he's telling me this. 0.98

00:42:15.540 Back in the holster.

00:42:16.180 By the way, he's telling me this way in the hallway while the pants are up, and I'm just

00:42:20.120 standing there receiving it, and he tells me all of it, he goes, he goes, no one wants

00:42:23.200 to tell you, and I go, thank you, Cooper.

00:42:24.920 I kind of, during the conversation, I just kind of scooted the pants down, and then I

00:42:30.720 thought I could trust Cooper.

00:42:31.920 And then, there's more?

00:42:34.040 So then two months later, well, Cooper always got compliments on smelling really good, and

00:42:38.000 so I thought I could trust him, and so two months later at an assembly, I was sitting

00:42:41.340 by him, I was like, okay, I know how I can be really popular, is if I just figure out

00:42:45.380 what cologne Cooper wears, and he'll probably tell me because he was so cool to me about the

00:42:48.800 pants.

00:42:48.960 Yeah, that's your girl, that's your girl.

00:42:50.480 That's my boy.

00:42:51.320 It was cool about the nutsack thing.

00:42:53.080 He was so chill about my moose knuckle.

00:42:55.580 He was so chill about it. 1.00

00:42:56.740 That's fucking Ohana. 1.00

00:43:00.340 That's fucking Familia right there. 1.00

00:43:01.840 That's Familia right there. 1.00

00:43:02.860 That's Gang, that's Fam.

00:43:04.760 That's Gang, that's Fam, and so I said, Cooper, I said, Cooper, I said, Cooper, what cologne

00:43:08.860 do you wear?

00:43:09.600 And he said, oh, it's just like, I don't know if my mom gets it for me, and I go, oh yeah,

00:43:14.020 but like, what is it?

00:43:15.720 And he goes, I really don't know if my mom gets it for me.

00:43:17.960 And during this whole assembly, I just keep, every time I get a chance, being like, Cooper,

00:43:21.180 do you even know, like, what the bottle looks like?

00:43:23.660 You know?

00:43:24.760 And like, but I'm trying to play it cool, so I'm like, yeah, I almost wonder what the

00:43:29.780 shape the bottle looks like.

00:43:32.240 And he's like, oh yeah, I don't remember, man.

00:43:34.660 And like, literally, I'm being so persistent, because I think I'm being coy, you know?

00:43:39.340 And then finally I go, I need to know what cologne you wear. 0.99

00:43:43.380 And you're going to fucking tell me. 0.99

00:43:45.560 Now. 1.00

00:43:45.640 And he goes, he goes, if I tell you, will you just stop talking to me?

00:43:49.000 And I go, and I go, and I go, yeah.

00:43:53.560 And he did, and he did, and it was lucky you.

00:43:56.380 It was lucky you, cologne for men.

00:43:59.000 And I, that night when I got home, I was like, mom, you have to get me lucky you cologne. 0.99

00:44:04.540 The fact that you're fucking interrogating him. 0.97

00:44:08.440 No, it really was like, it was like scenic the way it played out. 0.99

00:44:11.380 Like, he would be talking to other people, he'd be like talking to the boys and like

00:44:14.100 cutting up, and then there was a moment of silence, I'd be like, anyway, Coop.

00:44:19.120 I'm imagining you having to repeat, because he can't, like, it gets a little loud.

00:44:23.300 Cooper.

00:44:23.840 Coop.

00:44:24.320 Cooper.

00:44:25.140 Cooper.

00:44:25.580 Cooper.

00:44:26.180 No, like I was saying, speaking of smells. 1.00

00:44:28.480 You guys are fucking, no, you guys are so funny. 0.99

00:44:31.600 Cooper, what color is the box it comes in? 1.00

00:44:35.700 What places does your mom shop regularly? 0.91

00:44:37.780 Which, like, department store would you say, like, if I'm getting, if I listed some, would

00:44:42.180 you say hot or cold, or like?

00:44:43.760 Yeah, text your mom.

00:44:45.400 Cooper, what are the top notes?

00:44:47.060 Give me some of the, like, middle, is it like a musk, amber?

00:44:50.880 I'ma come over.

00:44:52.280 What if I come over after school, dude?

00:44:54.380 So you can show me what the bottle is. 0.99

00:44:55.740 He's like, god damn, man. 0.99

00:44:57.660 Interpreting all of that as friendship? 0.99

00:44:59.280 By the way, what I know now, is he didn't want to tell me the clone, because he didn't want

00:45:02.920 to be clone brothers with me.

00:45:04.540 He didn't want me running around smelling like him.

00:45:07.780 Because that lowers his stock value.

00:45:09.240 That is real.

00:45:09.940 That is real.

00:45:10.220 He didn't want me on the rise. 0.97

00:45:12.040 He was gay, he was the original gatekeeper. 1.00

00:45:15.000 He said, you're fat, gay ass. 1.00

00:45:16.900 It's not going to bring down my stock value. 1.00

00:45:18.880 You smell like that fat gatekeeper. 0.97

00:45:29.180 Cooper, Cooper, why do you smell? 0.99

00:45:31.640 You smell like that. 0.54

00:45:32.280 That's so weird.

00:45:32.940 Cooper, why do you smell like sleep pants?

00:45:38.720 That's my nickname.

00:45:39.800 Why do you smell like ball sack sleep pants, kid? 0.98

00:45:42.020 You smell like that kid that was hanging brain in homeroom. 1.00

00:45:49.780 Cooper, you smell like that fat faggot. 1.00

00:45:54.180 Oh, that's so fucking ridiculous. 1.00

00:46:00.620 And he knew, and he knew, he knew to kick you, because the first thing I did when I found 1.00

00:46:06.500 out was go get a bottle, honey. 0.95

00:46:08.080 He just didn't stop.

00:46:09.740 You were like, no, but for real, like for real, for real though, like let's get real.

00:46:13.680 Seriously, you can't give a mouse a cookie.

00:46:15.560 He gave me one kindness.

00:46:17.140 He gave me one kindness.

00:46:18.680 No, because you give a mouse a cookie, and he's going to Macy's after school.

00:46:24.400 He said, hey man, everyone's tired of seeing your ball sack, and I say, you're family. 0.97

00:46:29.360 You're blood to me, pimp. 1.00

00:46:30.880 He was home and talked shit. 1.00

00:46:31.880 I have no way of knowing, because I never checked back in, but I can almost guarantee 0.99

00:46:36.060 you he switched clones.

00:46:37.400 Call Cooper the way you just called your mom.

00:46:40.620 Get Coup on Skype.

00:46:42.860 Fans listening at home, do the over-under on whether or not me and Cooper are still in

00:46:45.600 touch.

00:46:45.880 Everyone run some bets.

00:46:49.680 I'll let you know.

00:46:50.800 You pulling up your pants for a bit?

00:46:52.980 Yeah.

00:46:53.380 Just dancing around?

00:46:54.540 I will say, as a fellow fatty, previously, there was something very, I call it the Chris

00:47:02.060 Farley bit. 0.99

00:47:03.120 It's the funny of like, you know, you pull up your, tuck it under your boobs. 0.91

00:47:06.240 It's a real truffle shuffle vibe. 0.81

00:47:08.020 Yeah.

00:47:08.560 Yeah.

00:47:08.840 I mean, it's the classic like Chippendales, Chris Farley skit of like, they just love to 0.98

00:47:12.300 see that sort of, it'll kill every time until it doesn't.

00:47:15.720 Oh yeah.

00:47:16.300 Until Coop has to get real with you in the hallway.

00:47:17.960 Yeah.

00:47:18.420 Then it's not that great anymore.

00:47:19.680 Until he does a one-on-one in the hallway.

00:47:21.400 He's like, hey, can I talk to you outside for a second?

00:47:23.100 Performance review.

00:47:23.960 Yeah. 1.00

00:47:24.360 Until I've got Coop up against a wall with a knife to his neck, asking him what the fucking 1.00

00:47:28.480 cologne is. 1.00

00:47:29.880 What's the cologne, brother?

00:47:32.380 No, seriously. 0.96

00:47:33.760 Hey, you're cool, but I fucking had it with the game. 0.96

00:47:36.000 He said, will you leave me alone? 0.96

00:47:40.580 And you said, yeah.

00:47:42.880 Because I had a blast that I know how I'm getting ahead.

00:47:45.800 Give me the formulae.

00:47:53.760 In high school, what were you in?

00:47:56.280 Student council and what else?

00:47:57.760 Well, by high school, yeah, I had pretty much figured out how to be what people wanted me

00:48:00.820 to be, so things were going better.

00:48:02.680 I wasn't having any Cooper interactions anymore.

00:48:04.420 Oh, this was middle school.

00:48:05.460 This was middle school, so I leveled it out by high school.

00:48:07.200 High school was pretty fine.

00:48:08.440 I was in everything.

00:48:09.280 I was in, like, FCCLA, FBLA, FFA, student council.

00:48:13.580 You were not in FFA.

00:48:14.660 Maybe I was creed-speaking, soils team, and cattle team.

00:48:17.640 I judged cattle in high school.

00:48:19.180 We've talked about this actually.

00:48:20.180 Did you really?

00:48:20.840 No, I judged cattle in high school.

00:48:22.200 Yes, I did.

00:48:22.780 He's a real agrarian.

00:48:24.060 I'm an agrarian.

00:48:24.440 It sounds like it.

00:48:25.180 Yeah, well, I joined because they had a public speaking. 0.93

00:48:26.880 They had creed-speaking, and I wanted to do, I was like, watch me body the fuck out 0.90

00:48:30.700 of that. 0.95

00:48:31.440 Creed, you're just singing.

00:48:32.340 Can you take me higher?

00:48:34.020 Creed the smell.

00:48:35.020 Can you take me higher?

00:48:37.100 No, but I wanted to do the creed-speaking, but you had to be on three teams.

00:48:40.440 That was the rule.

00:48:40.880 And so they put me on soils team, which I was pretty promptly kicked off of.

00:48:44.880 I didn't like, you had to touch the dirt, and every time I was like, ugh.

00:48:47.520 But you were so familiar with it as a child, apparently.

00:48:50.260 Things have changed by now.

00:48:51.040 Blue collar.

00:48:51.840 That was when he was blue collar, though.

00:48:53.360 You guys aren't keeping up with my law. 1.00

00:48:54.320 You might as well be speaking Mandarin to me, because this shit is too white for me. 1.00

00:48:57.060 I don't know what any of that means. 1.00

00:48:58.240 That's like redneck shit. 1.00

00:48:59.560 This is real, like, southern shit. 1.00

00:49:00.880 Yeah. 1.00

00:49:01.300 And it's like, at your high school?

00:49:03.660 Yeah.

00:49:04.080 That's crazy.

00:49:04.560 Not too much now.

00:49:05.140 Yeah.

00:49:06.380 Y'all tread lightly, but yes.

00:49:07.980 We had FFA, and it was, I mean, we never saw them.

00:49:12.200 It was like they went to a different school.

00:49:13.820 They're in the act building, yes.

00:49:14.880 They're in the act building, and the portables.

00:49:16.520 Do you have portables?

00:49:17.140 Yes.

00:49:17.660 Yeah. 0.99

00:49:18.000 They said, get the fuck out of here. 1.00

00:49:19.500 They smell like swine. 1.00

00:49:20.820 Yeah.

00:49:21.360 We had our prom in a hog sale building.

00:49:24.060 What?

00:49:24.380 We had our prom in a hog barn.

00:49:26.820 And they were like, they're like, don't worry, they're going to sweep it out.

00:49:29.380 And I was like, they're going to sweep it out.

00:49:31.440 Well, thank God I was worried about them not sweeping it out. 0.99

00:49:34.340 I was like, there's hog shit in the construction of the place. 1.00

00:49:38.000 It's in the essence of the building. 0.99

00:49:39.840 And you know what? 1.00

00:49:40.240 It was asbestos and hog shit. 1.00

00:49:41.940 Hang on my face. 1.00

00:49:42.560 It was a beautiful dance.

00:49:43.800 My junior year of prom, that's when I said no to Billy, but I went with a Mormon dude, 1.00

00:49:49.280 and it was the worst time I've ever had in my entire life.

00:49:51.700 Could you describe the ambience?

00:49:53.380 What music was playing?

00:49:54.720 Are you wearing a sleeveless cocktail gown?

00:49:57.800 Oh, yeah.

00:49:58.120 No, I had a full length, like, sleeveless, lots of tulle on the bottom.

00:50:03.040 It was like an aqua turquoise-y blue.

00:50:05.900 You curved Billy for a Mormon. 1.00

00:50:07.420 Yeah, fuck me, honestly. 1.00

00:50:09.000 Billy, call me, brother. 1.00

00:50:09.740 You've been put through too much by this woman. 1.00

00:50:13.720 It's funny, too, because he actually texted Jason and was like, hey, do you think Drew

00:50:18.580 would go to prom with me?

00:50:19.840 And he said, please don't tell her.

00:50:21.780 And then she goes, oh, my God, dude, guess who just texted me?

00:50:24.180 Tells me immediately, like minutes after.

00:50:27.280 Queen.

00:50:27.620 No loyalty.

00:50:28.520 And I was like, I can't, because at the time, there was drama at the time, but he had broken

00:50:32.060 up with a girl who was friends with me, and I was like, I just didn't want the drums.

00:50:35.080 Yeah.

00:50:35.540 And so I was trying to be a good friend.

00:50:36.920 Girl's girl.

00:50:37.480 Yeah.

00:50:37.720 From the beginning, mind you.

00:50:39.900 Girl's girl from the jump.

00:50:40.420 Always.

00:50:40.880 Yeah.

00:50:40.900 And then I was like, I can't do that.

00:50:42.180 Even though they'd been broken up for like two years, I was just like, she's my friend,

00:50:44.860 and I think, you know, whatever.

00:50:46.360 And so that was a big L on my part, to be honest, because she literally said, she said

00:50:50.900 no.

00:50:51.280 That's what she texted him.

00:50:52.840 She texted me.

00:50:54.560 She said no.

00:50:55.660 She cunted. 0.97

00:50:56.560 He said, it's actually no worries.

00:50:58.140 And then he ended up going with somebody else, and then I went with the Mormon, and I had 0.89

00:51:01.660 the worst night of my life, so the egg's on my face, honestly.

00:51:03.800 Yeah.

00:51:04.080 You can't have caffeine or anything.

00:51:05.100 Can't win them all.

00:51:06.180 The Mormon part of him was honestly the least of his worries. 1.00

00:51:08.980 Like, he was just the most off-putting person I've ever met in my entire fucking life. 1.00

00:51:13.280 And I say this to this day, if I ever meet him, I'm putting him on his back, bitch, and 1.00

00:51:16.700 not in a good way. 0.99

00:51:17.860 Not in the way he wants. 0.98

00:51:18.640 No, I'm beating the shit out of him, is what I'm saying. 0.99

00:51:21.080 TKO! 1.00

00:51:22.280 He's the fucking worst. 0.99

00:51:24.200 It's funny, too, because when we first met each other, because we barely knew each other, 1.00

00:51:27.100 too, on top of that.

00:51:28.160 So when we met, and we were talking, he's like, what's your type?

00:51:30.960 And I'm like, oh, like, someone nice and funny.

00:51:33.720 Like, say something real general.

00:51:34.920 I'm like, what about you?

00:51:36.200 He goes, I like short white girls with glasses. 1.00

00:51:38.860 Now, I don't know if you know anything about what I look like.

00:51:40.620 Caleb.

00:51:43.180 Cooper, probably.

00:51:45.140 And I was like, what?

00:51:45.900 I like short white girls with glasses. 1.00

00:51:47.160 No game at all.

00:51:48.160 No game at all.

00:51:49.120 Oh, I like short white girls with glasses. 1.00

00:51:51.580 And that was the girlfriend he had, and he broke up with her to go to prom with me.

00:51:55.700 And then after he went to prom with me, he went and got back with her.

00:51:58.160 A man that lied to himself.

00:51:59.060 You don't even have glasses. 1.00

00:52:00.460 Yeah, no shit, girl. 1.00

00:52:01.320 I actually do wear glasses, too, because I'm blind as fuck. 1.00

00:52:04.140 But I purposely didn't wear them, because I didn't want him to think that I was wearing 0.98

00:52:08.220 them for him.

00:52:08.860 So I was just blind all weekend. 0.99

00:52:10.160 I was like, we just fucking Daphne's headass, like, walking around. 0.99

00:52:14.340 His version of this story is, yeah, I tried to take this girl on a date, and she fucking 1.00

00:52:17.420 couldn't see. 0.98

00:52:18.260 It was so weird.

00:52:19.920 She was like, I was helping her across the street.

00:52:21.900 She asked for the menu in Braille.

00:52:23.760 And then she kept pulling up her pajama pants and dancing around like it was a bit. 1.00

00:52:29.080 She had balls? 1.00

00:52:30.380 I don't know. 1.00

00:52:31.160 All of a sudden, I saw an imprint.

00:52:32.780 I don't know.

00:52:33.280 It was a whole thing.

00:52:33.820 I don't know.

00:52:34.260 It was weird.

00:52:34.760 It was a problem.

00:52:35.300 It was a problem.

00:52:35.440 And it's funny, because he brought a friend for my sister, and he was like, oh, I'm going

00:52:40.300 to bring one of the two guys that I had already met.

00:52:42.520 Wait, you went senior?

00:52:42.840 Are you talking about senior year?

00:52:43.700 This was my junior year, her senior year.

00:52:46.100 And you took him?

00:52:47.520 Yeah, I took him.

00:52:48.540 Oh, OK, OK, got it.

00:52:49.520 But he was like, I'll bring a friend, and then we can go with your sister.

00:52:52.640 I'm like, OK, cool.

00:52:54.880 And the two guys that he had with him that I had already met were like, this guy was like

00:52:59.000 half someone.

00:52:59.520 He was someone, too, the guy that I went with.

00:53:01.540 The other two guys, one of them was like Hawaiian.

00:53:03.240 And one was like Tongan.

00:53:04.340 They were both good-looking dudes.

00:53:05.260 All three of them were really good-looking.

00:53:06.740 And so I was like, OK, yeah, either one, sure, whichever one's available.

00:53:10.140 And he's like, OK.

00:53:11.160 He picks one.

00:53:12.160 He's like, I'm going to bring him.

00:53:13.200 Can't come.

00:53:14.020 Then the other guy, he's like, I'm going to bring him.

00:53:15.520 He can't come.

00:53:16.260 He's like, don't worry.

00:53:16.900 I have another friend, but won't send me a picture.

00:53:18.860 I'm like, oh.

00:53:20.080 I'm like, I need to.

00:53:21.320 Well, can you send me a picture?

00:53:22.260 He goes, well, I'll look for one.

00:53:23.900 And then when they're on the way to our house.

00:53:26.840 It's hard to get a picture of him, because he maintains a bell tower in Notre

00:53:29.920 Don.

00:53:30.100 He's really booked, honestly.

00:53:33.000 He's busy as hell.

00:53:34.700 He's busy as hell.

00:53:35.760 He's up there.

00:53:36.460 He's actually guarding the gates of Tartarus.

00:53:38.740 So he's a little busy.

00:53:40.780 He's a little busy.

00:53:42.680 Girl, he shows up.

00:53:43.920 I'm not kidding.

00:53:45.580 He looked 40.

00:53:47.020 Like, he was bald.

00:53:49.180 Well.

00:53:49.560 White guy.

00:53:50.640 But he looked.

00:53:51.020 He was in high school?

00:53:52.200 Yeah, girl. 0.99

00:53:52.680 Poor thing.

00:53:53.560 Bless him.

00:53:54.480 Bless his heart.

00:53:55.520 And then literally Jason goes.

00:53:57.700 He went to the phone.

00:53:58.980 He's like, first of all, ditches him the whole night. 0.98

00:54:02.660 But then she goes like, yeah, he fucking brought a substitute teacher for me. 0.87

00:54:06.340 And like, he goes with Tartarus. 1.00

00:54:10.560 That shit is so real, dude. 1.00

00:54:12.200 She's like, oh yeah, I'm a lesbian. 1.00

00:54:14.140 Yeah.

00:54:14.340 Like, it's just the way that she was like, oh yeah, I'm gay.

00:54:16.800 Wait, that is disrespectful.

00:54:18.280 This will never happen to me again. 1.00

00:54:20.460 You guys are never doing this shit to me again. 1.00

00:54:22.580 But I'll say the worst night, worst part of the whole night. 1.00

00:54:25.360 Well, my dance was like, I don't know, like Southern California dance.

00:54:29.540 Maybe it's just exclusive to my high school.

00:54:31.440 But like, the way that they dance is crazy.

00:54:33.600 Like, this is the year where like, don't drop that tantra came out.

00:54:36.500 Hey, ladies, right? 0.88

00:54:37.600 Hey, TBT.

00:54:38.460 All of that.

00:54:39.260 And so, you know, people are freaking and they're grinding and they're being weird.

00:54:42.560 I knew he was Mormon.

00:54:43.700 He had told me every dance he'd been to, they had a live band. 0.99

00:54:46.020 So, I'm assuming they didn't play that shit over in St. George, Utah. 0.98

00:54:49.640 So, I literally told them, I'm like, play a Sweet Caroline acoustic version. 0.99

00:54:52.940 Enough.

00:54:53.800 Not Sweet Caroline.

00:54:56.520 It's like that Proud to be an American song. 1.00

00:54:59.160 That fuck, that's my song. 1.00

00:55:01.360 Light on that, light on that. 1.00

00:55:02.580 I didn't know we were talking politics.

00:55:04.580 And I'm proud to be an American.

00:55:07.720 Well, at least I proudly stand up. 1.00

00:55:11.120 That song fucks, dude. 1.00

00:55:12.760 Lee Greenwood, you will always be famous, bitch. 1.00

00:55:16.020 And like, I told, I warned him. 0.99

00:55:18.400 I said, hey, my school doesn't get down like that.

00:55:21.140 So, like, just be prepared for what you see when you go in there.

00:55:24.240 I don't want you to freak out.

00:55:25.400 When he sees people grinding, he's literally like, like, we're in a haunted house.

00:55:29.780 But then he kind of, he kind of like calms down a little bit.

00:55:32.340 So, I'm like, hey, do you want to dance?

00:55:34.060 And he's like, we are dancing, but we're like standing next to each other.

00:55:37.840 I'm like, no, like, do you want to dance together?

00:55:39.580 Like, it doesn't have to be crazy or whatever.

00:55:41.200 And he was like, no.

00:55:43.240 Like, instantly disgusted with me.

00:55:45.000 And then he goes, that goes against God.

00:55:47.720 That's what he said to me.

00:55:48.740 And I was like, mind you, it's a Saturday.

00:55:50.720 So, then I go, well, I mean, you could ask for forgiveness tomorrow.

00:55:54.520 I'm thinking it's funny.

00:55:55.620 Right.

00:55:56.060 And then he goes, that's not funny.

00:55:58.760 And then he walks away from me.

00:56:01.020 No, in the sense that.

00:56:03.040 No, that's not.

00:56:04.880 Well, I was like, well, that's what I was saying.

00:56:06.480 I just immediately go, Dace, why would you say that? 0.99

00:56:08.400 That's fucked up. 1.00

00:56:09.180 Dace, that's really fucking mean. 1.00

00:56:10.660 Seriously, you know he's a Mormon. 1.00

00:56:11.640 So, then that made it awkward for a little.

00:56:14.660 And then once he kind of comes back around again, he stops being weird.

00:56:17.560 And then, ish.

00:56:19.240 And then we're outside.

00:56:20.700 He's kind of vibing a little bit. 0.99

00:56:22.380 He's, like, being a little nicer, like, a little more touchy, whatever the fuck, to me. 0.99

00:56:26.420 I'm like, okay, maybe he's calming the fuck down. 0.98

00:56:28.860 And then his buddy, you know, the substitute teacher, he was like, hey, you should show them 0.93

00:56:33.380 your favorite dance move.

00:56:35.640 Right?

00:56:35.920 And he goes, oh, yeah, I have the best dance move ever.

00:56:39.260 Stands up.

00:56:39.700 I'm not kidding.

00:56:40.620 He's like, well, it's two parts, right?

00:56:42.800 The first part, you're unscrewing a light bulb, right, Mormon? 1.00

00:56:46.900 And he's like, the second, the other hand you use, and you pretend that you're shoving 1.00

00:56:50.480 a dildo up your ass. 1.00

00:56:52.820 I'm not kidding. 1.00

00:56:54.620 I'm not kidding. 1.00

00:56:56.620 This is the same man who told me I was a fucking whore for wanting to dance with him. 1.00

00:57:01.140 What? 1.00

00:57:01.760 And then he starts pretending.

00:57:03.620 I'm not kidding. 0.99

00:57:04.760 He's literally doing this, and he's, like, shoving the dildo up his butt, metaphorically, 0.99

00:57:09.100 of course. 0.99

00:57:09.360 The greatest freakout ever. 1.00

00:57:13.780 Direct TV remote up the ass, girl. 0.99

00:57:16.600 And he's literally going like this, and he's, like, shoving, and he's, like, laughing. 0.99

00:57:20.880 And the way, guttural shock and horror, the way me and Jason are like, ah!

00:57:25.540 Like, we're watching the horror, like, and then I, I'm not kidding, Jason was like, no time

00:57:30.760 what's happening?

00:57:31.940 And then I go, I have to go to the bathroom.

00:57:34.080 And I went to the bathroom, Jason followed me, and I was crying in the bathroom. 0.99

00:57:38.680 And I was like, I fucking hate him, dude! 1.00

00:57:41.100 I hate him! 1.00

00:57:42.540 He's the worst! 0.99

00:57:44.020 And I'm like, I look so good!

00:57:47.220 And I shouldn't have gone! 0.99

00:57:48.600 I'm fucking weirdo! 0.99

00:57:49.940 I'm, like, screaming. 1.00

00:57:52.180 He can probably hear me, by the way. 0.92

00:57:53.820 Meanwhile, cut you in the rafters.

00:57:55.080 Billy's up there, just... 1.00

00:57:55.780 You get what you pay for, bitch. 1.00

00:57:59.200 He gives him $100. 1.00

00:58:00.360 He's like, did you show her the dildo part? 0.64

00:58:02.160 All right, good. 0.97

00:58:03.340 I just want to be... 0.96

00:58:04.240 You did the dildo thing! 0.99

00:58:05.280 I gotta make sure she'll love it. 0.96

00:58:06.520 You should do it.

00:58:07.860 He's thumbing off hundreds. 0.95

00:58:10.180 He's like, you could have gone farther with the dildo thing. 0.88

00:58:12.300 It was good stuff. 0.97

00:58:13.080 He leaned a little too heavy into the lightbulb, but not enough until the dildo. 0.58

00:58:16.380 The lightbulb was such a classic Christian, like, wholesome... 1.00

00:58:19.780 Like, he...

00:58:20.640 The mixture of those two...

00:58:21.740 He was like, yeah, so basically you have a shopping cart with one hand, and you're shopping, 1.00

00:58:25.240 picking stuff out, and then you're getting sloppy from a bad bitch. 1.00

00:58:27.660 It's like, what the fuck? 1.00

00:58:29.760 Just like, what the fuck? 1.00

00:58:31.400 The fucking hard left. 1.00

00:58:33.360 Like, I was like... 1.00

00:58:35.400 Then I become religious.

00:58:38.860 That's against God. 0.54

00:58:40.060 He's doing the dildo thing. 1.00

00:58:40.600 He's like, who's Mormon now, bitch? 1.00

00:58:41.720 She's like, you want to ask for forgiveness for this? 1.00

00:58:45.940 Yeah, that's what I thought.

00:58:47.600 I thought this.

00:58:49.380 The way it was so, like, cash to them, I was like...

00:58:52.560 Yo.

00:58:53.720 Yo.

00:58:54.240 Horror.

00:58:54.640 It's crazy what a religious mind will rationalize.

00:58:58.160 No, girl. 0.96

00:58:58.820 The homoeroticism is just out of control.

00:59:02.060 No one loves man more than man.

00:59:03.660 Seriously.

00:59:04.360 It's like primates, girl. 0.98

00:59:06.360 It is.

00:59:06.940 They're like...

00:59:07.680 And then they're going... 1.00

00:59:11.700 It's like, you're picking bugs with one hand, and then you're shoving a dildo up your butt 1.00

00:59:15.700 with the other. 1.00

00:59:16.300 Crazy. 0.99

00:59:16.780 And then he literally said dildo. 0.99

00:59:18.340 And I'm like, you said freaking and grinding was against God, but you know what a dildo is? 0.99

00:59:22.820 Nasty work. 0.99

00:59:23.640 You won't hit the doggie with me on the floor, but we're doing light dildo combo. 1.00

00:59:27.340 The cat daddy's too far, but shoving a fake penis up your butt is not. 1.00

00:59:32.520 The Cupid Shuffle is of the devil. 1.00

00:59:34.200 Well? 1.00

00:59:34.880 Dildo up the ass. 1.00

00:59:36.320 Well, that's different because it's a joke. 1.00

00:59:37.920 A dildo's just crashed into the Pentagon. 1.00

00:59:40.160 A dildo's just hit the cock and gone. 1.00

00:59:46.640 Shit, that's funny. 1.00

00:59:47.740 Like, I feel like the embarrassment kind of stopped in high school. 0.99

00:59:52.220 Like, college, I was like, I'm actually the coolest.

00:59:54.140 Yeah, same.

00:59:54.440 Like, I really came into my own in college.

00:59:56.080 Yeah, same.

00:59:56.380 What about you, Caleb?

00:59:57.400 Yeah.

00:59:58.580 You're all kind of been that girl.

00:59:59.700 There's the Cooper situation, and then...

01:00:01.540 And then high school, I was just like a total...

01:00:03.800 Like, high school, I was just like uptight.

01:00:05.240 I think...

01:00:05.860 Actually, you know what?

01:00:06.780 I did a show in D.C. last...

01:00:08.720 Like, two weeks ago.

01:00:09.820 And a very good friend of mine from high school came up to me.

01:00:13.220 I do a whole story about how uptight I was as a teenager.

01:00:15.880 Yeah.

01:00:16.260 And how I thought I was...

01:00:17.120 I think... 1.00

01:00:17.560 I look back down and I go, that kid's a loser. 0.99

01:00:19.020 Like, if I had a kid and he acted the way I acted in high school, I'd be like, God! 1.00

01:00:22.480 Fucking shut up! 1.00

01:00:23.680 You know? 1.00

01:00:24.500 We need to get him some pussy. 1.00

01:00:25.620 Yeah, God, get this kid laid so he'll shut the fuck up. 1.00

01:00:27.940 He's 16. 1.00

01:00:28.800 I was getting pussy. 1.00

01:00:30.460 And... 1.00

01:00:30.900 Believe it.

01:00:31.680 Hey.

01:00:32.100 I just didn't want it.

01:00:32.960 It was light work.

01:00:33.720 Yeah.

01:00:34.360 It was giving me the heebie-jeebies, but I was in there.

01:00:36.180 Yep, yep, yep.

01:00:37.520 But I was in there.

01:00:38.600 And my friend was like, I think you're...

01:00:40.840 I don't think you're very...

01:00:41.520 I liked who you were in high school.

01:00:43.000 I don't think you were being very nice to that person.

01:00:44.740 And I'm like, I don't know.

01:00:46.680 I think I was a nerd and you just were too.

01:00:49.300 Yeah.

01:00:49.820 I think we both need to be more honest with ourselves.

01:00:51.880 Yeah.

01:00:52.500 Cool came like in my 20s.

01:00:54.120 I got cool.

01:00:54.880 I feel that.

01:00:55.580 I think the shift though was...

01:00:56.600 I don't know if any of us have talked about this.

01:00:59.100 The shift for me on coolness was that I think I was always, when I was younger, I was always

01:01:03.180 waiting, trying to find the thing that would bring coolness to me.

01:01:05.760 Like what interest or what clothes or what group of friends would make me cool.

01:01:09.080 Totally.

01:01:09.300 And the shift in my 20s, my early 20s, that made me actually feel cool was going, nothing

01:01:14.460 brings me coolness.

01:01:15.280 I bring coolness to everything else.

01:01:16.560 Period.

01:01:17.140 What I like, people I hang out with, what I wear, what I listen to, it's cool because

01:01:20.380 I'm there.

01:01:21.140 Period.

01:01:21.460 I'm not cool because it's here.

01:01:22.720 Yeah.

01:01:22.980 Like the confidence is what speaks louder than anything.

01:01:25.960 Yeah.

01:01:26.100 So like you could like or hate anything and you could still make friends who like or love

01:01:30.120 the same things.

01:01:30.880 Yeah.

01:01:31.320 But it's just like you being confident in who you are. 1.00

01:01:34.040 If you don't like it, fuck you. 1.00

01:01:34.880 What I like is cool. 1.00

01:01:35.940 Period.

01:01:36.200 And so you're not cool if you don't like it.

01:01:37.240 And that shift was like really, it was, yeah, not just looking for someone to be

01:01:40.440 like, I wanted people to tell me I was cool.

01:01:42.320 Yeah.

01:01:42.640 And then when you just go, oh, I don't care about that.

01:01:45.300 As soon as you stop caring, it's like, it just flocks to you almost.

01:01:49.200 Yeah.

01:01:49.440 Like friends and community and all of that.

01:01:50.940 I think it's also like, what does cool mean?

01:01:52.660 Like I would much rather have a genuine time where I'm peeing my pants with people that

01:01:56.420 like aren't cool.

01:01:57.740 I mean, you know, you guys make me laugh so hard, but you guys are not, I don't think

01:02:02.760 it's not cool. 1.00

01:02:03.220 You guys are fucking weirdo losers. 1.00

01:02:04.880 Yeah. 1.00

01:02:05.740 At least we smell good though.

01:02:06.980 At least we smell good. 0.99

01:02:08.560 That fat kid. 1.00

01:02:10.140 You smell like that fat kid kid. 1.00

01:02:13.120 God. 1.00

01:02:15.320 God, I hate it. 1.00

01:02:16.620 Shit. 1.00

01:02:17.140 He smells just like you now. 1.00

01:02:18.480 Can't wear it anymore.

01:02:19.300 When I got to college, I found like my like bestie besties, like my, like the people I'm

01:02:26.120 still friends with to this day.

01:02:27.620 Um, and I, I was just telling Billy this the other day.

01:02:29.520 I'm like, I realized to, especially in writing my book, I realized that like when I, it's

01:02:34.520 such a slay thing to say.

01:02:35.860 Period.

01:02:36.160 And when I was publishing my book, I was like writing my very first book that it will be

01:02:39.360 published.

01:02:39.780 It is published now.

01:02:40.640 You just threw that away.

01:02:41.440 Like a Truman Capote interview.

01:02:43.740 That's my favorite thing about an old Truman Capote interview.

01:02:45.880 He'd be like, I was at dinner with them.

01:02:48.080 Um, Oh, I think it was Marilyn Monroe. 0.99

01:02:52.640 He just fucking tosses it away. 0.99

01:02:54.520 Like it's nothing. 0.99

01:02:55.560 When I was writing, yeah.

01:02:56.420 When I was writing my first book, um, I love it.

01:02:59.740 I love it.

01:03:01.220 I was always like writing, like unpacking a lot of stuff I did in college.

01:03:04.800 I was like, I realized that my best friends at the time, all women, right.

01:03:08.760 I had a couple of guy friends that I was really close to too, but like I had never met a group

01:03:12.760 of women before outside of my own family, like my mom and sister that were so confident 0.77

01:03:17.840 in who they were in all aspects, like being smart, being funny, being like, like, I don't

01:03:23.460 know, like confident about what they looked like and also who they were as people, but

01:03:27.960 also women who were so confident in their sexual autonomy.

01:03:30.620 Like I had never had friends like that before. 1.00

01:03:32.980 Like women who were so like, yeah, I fucked him and it sucked. 1.00

01:03:36.100 Don't do that. 1.00

01:03:36.760 It was so cash to them.

01:03:38.180 Then I was like, okay, period.

01:03:39.940 Cause I'd never hung out with women who were so cash about stuff. 1.00

01:03:42.380 Like it was always so like, Oh, like dating, like, you know, when you're in high school,

01:03:46.200 it's like the way it's perceived is so different.

01:03:48.380 And the religious lens as well, where it's just like, it's so much more serious.

01:03:52.220 Yeah.

01:03:52.620 You know?

01:03:52.980 And they were so cash about everything.

01:03:54.480 And like, yeah.

01:03:55.380 So a couple of my friends were raised religious and weren't at all.

01:03:58.200 And one of my friends, like to this day, like she, the first time I met her, like we

01:04:01.980 were talking about dating or whatever. 0.99

01:04:03.160 She was like, Oh, I was a big whore in high school. 1.00

01:04:05.840 I fucked everybody. 1.00

01:04:06.980 And I was like, Oh, did you? 1.00

01:04:08.280 She's like, yeah, men, women, everyone.

01:04:10.560 Your friend.

01:04:14.780 She's my friend now.

01:04:17.100 She's like, yeah, everyone.

01:04:18.980 But yeah, she was just so like, what else about it?

01:04:21.860 Period. 1.00

01:04:22.420 Period, bitch. 1.00

01:04:23.240 That's my fucking girl. 1.00

01:04:24.280 I love that. 1.00

01:04:24.780 She's still my friend to this day.

01:04:25.960 Oh, I love that.

01:04:26.760 I love when we become like real adults and then they're like, I don't remember saying

01:04:31.520 that.

01:04:31.900 I was like, I do.

01:04:32.880 I remember.

01:04:33.620 I remember you saying that.

01:04:34.620 Verbatim.

01:04:35.520 Changed me as a woman.

01:04:36.420 I remember.

01:04:36.880 I remember.

01:04:37.940 Everything.

01:04:38.460 I'm here.

01:04:38.960 I'm in it.

01:04:39.880 Dating in college was a mess.

01:04:41.020 You have the memory of an elephant.

01:04:42.800 I do.

01:04:43.400 I remember everything. 0.99

01:04:44.400 We would go out and get fucked up. 0.97

01:04:45.700 Like I was the only one that would remember every single thing. 0.99

01:04:48.300 So the next morning.

01:04:49.040 You're skating it like the Matrix.

01:04:49.480 Yeah.

01:04:49.740 The next morning.

01:04:50.320 I'm downloading all the information.

01:04:51.840 The next morning they'd be like, well, everyone, like, let's get together.

01:04:55.640 Like everyone, someone wake you up.

01:04:56.620 So we can remember what happened.

01:04:57.640 Cause a lot of my friends have blackout.

01:04:58.800 I never blacked out.

01:04:59.900 I think I blacked out once.

01:05:01.580 One time.

01:05:02.220 And it was the very last time.

01:05:03.360 Like one of the last times I drank tequila.

01:05:05.440 Cause I like couldn't do it.

01:05:06.820 I couldn't do it.

01:05:07.740 The way I used to drink in high school.

01:05:08.920 Can't do it now.

01:05:09.980 I did not drink in high school or not high school.

01:05:12.200 Sorry.

01:05:12.420 College.

01:05:12.880 College.

01:05:13.280 College.

01:05:13.960 I couldn't do it.

01:05:14.660 Every time I'm like, I'll tell Drew a story and then I'll, I'll like, cause it'll be

01:05:18.680 fresh in my mind and I'll say it.

01:05:19.940 And then it'll be like a month will go by.

01:05:21.280 And she's like, remember when you said this?

01:05:22.280 And I'm like.

01:05:22.900 And then I'll paraphrase it.

01:05:28.560 And she's like, no, you said this.

01:05:29.460 And I'm like, probably that's what happened.

01:05:31.780 It's crazy.

01:05:32.240 That's why I remembered everything that happened when we met Beyonce.

01:05:34.480 Thank God for you.

01:05:35.640 I black out a lot. 0.99

01:05:36.940 It sucks. 1.00

01:05:37.860 It really does suck. 1.00

01:05:38.660 Because of liquor and not liquor. 0.99

01:05:40.160 And not liquor.

01:05:40.580 And just adrenaline, I guess. 1.00

01:05:41.760 The testosterone pumping through my fucking body. 1.00

01:05:44.940 You know what I mean? 1.00

01:05:45.940 Did you have a fun time partying in college, Caleb?

01:05:48.820 No, I DD'd.

01:05:50.320 Did you really?

01:05:50.780 Yeah, I was a DD for my fraternity. 1.00

01:05:53.000 Loser. 1.00

01:05:53.560 You were in a fraternity? 1.00

01:05:54.580 Yeah, all four years.

01:05:55.880 What?

01:05:56.440 Really?

01:05:57.520 Yeah, you know.

01:05:58.620 That's shocking to me.

01:05:59.500 Well, I thought I was going to go to law school.

01:06:00.740 My whole plan going into college was to go to law school.

01:06:02.300 I had that sort of mental breakdown as well.

01:06:04.080 Oh, yeah.

01:06:04.680 And it was a long one.

01:06:05.280 That was all of high school and first year or two of college.

01:06:08.080 Did you do mock trial?

01:06:09.280 We didn't have it. 1.00

01:06:10.180 Fuck. 1.00

01:06:10.540 Did you do Model UN? 1.00

01:06:11.900 We didn't have it.

01:06:13.060 Baby, I didn't go to a good school.

01:06:15.580 I think that's why you're missing. 1.00

01:06:16.940 You were working the field, bitch. 1.00

01:06:18.060 Yeah, why did you think I was in FFA? 1.00

01:06:20.780 They had me judging cattle, bitch. 1.00

01:06:23.520 You were not arguing the defense. 1.00

01:06:25.060 Yeah, honey, we didn't have speech and debate.

01:06:27.620 I had to go pick up a goat and learn how to tie its feet together.

01:06:31.340 Type beat. 1.00

01:06:32.220 Type shit. 1.00

01:06:33.080 Type shit. 1.00

01:06:33.860 Yeah, shearing animals. 1.00

01:06:34.940 Literally and literally.

01:06:35.680 I was picking up dirt and going, good for corn.

01:06:37.640 Crazy.

01:06:39.260 Crazy.

01:06:40.480 I only did that for like a year. 1.00

01:06:41.720 And they were like, get your gay ass out of here. 1.00

01:06:44.300 Harvest will be good this year. 1.00

01:06:45.880 Shut the fuck up. 1.00

01:06:46.580 Shut your bitch ass. 1.00

01:06:47.420 Yeah. 1.00

01:06:47.540 No, I was not a big partier in college.

01:06:52.160 No.

01:06:52.520 I was dating in college for both of you.

01:06:54.460 I didn't date in college.

01:06:55.740 No one wanted me. 1.00

01:06:57.540 I fucked. 1.00

01:06:58.300 I was fucking in college. 1.00

01:06:59.380 No one wanted to date me. 0.98

01:07:00.620 I remember texting one of my hookups who I was so in love with.

01:07:03.080 And I was like, do you want to get breakfast in the morning?

01:07:05.240 And he was like, busy.

01:07:08.520 Need him medically.

01:07:10.620 It always made it worse.

01:07:12.080 Yeah.

01:07:12.280 I was like, he's rejecting me.

01:07:13.280 I think he's the one.

01:07:14.280 Yeah.

01:07:14.560 I just need to try a little harder. 0.97

01:07:16.800 I was fucking a lot of guys in college who, if they were seen with me in daylight, we would 0.99

01:07:21.520 both evaporate. 0.99

01:07:22.340 Yeah.

01:07:22.500 It was like, I was having a lot of hookups where it was like, you know, I would see him

01:07:25.900 on campus and be like, oh, what's up?

01:07:27.000 And he'd be like, you know.

01:07:28.940 It was not good.

01:07:29.580 Are you lost?

01:07:30.500 That guy's talking to you, by the way.

01:07:32.160 Yeah.

01:07:32.620 I think he's trying to get home. 1.00

01:07:33.700 Hey, you smell like that fat gay guy. 1.00

01:07:36.020 You smell like each other. 1.00

01:07:38.160 It's Cooper.

01:07:40.160 Coop?

01:07:40.800 Coop?

01:07:41.260 Good to see you, brother.

01:07:42.400 Hey, baby.

01:07:43.040 One time I was, I was kind of dating this guy and I, he told me to meet him at the club

01:07:48.620 romantic. 0.99

01:07:49.540 And so I go, and you know, you're doing that, that, uh, broke bitch shit where you're like, 1.00

01:07:53.840 God, I'm so thirsty. 0.99

01:07:55.600 God, I wish I had a drink.

01:07:58.220 God, so thirsty.

01:07:59.080 It's so hot in here.

01:08:00.140 And then normally it works. 0.94

01:08:01.720 Uh, but then when he's like, I'm not buying drinks here, they're too fucking expensive. 0.87

01:08:04.680 Right.

01:08:05.140 And then I was like, okay, brokey, even though I had no money.

01:08:08.160 Then I like go up and I buy myself the one drink I can afford.

01:08:12.600 Ice in a cup?

01:08:13.720 Yeah.

01:08:14.140 I was like, can you just put maraschino cherries in a cup and pretend?

01:08:16.520 Yeah.

01:08:16.900 Soda water.

01:08:17.520 Don't charge me.

01:08:18.240 Yep.

01:08:18.580 So I got one drink and then I, I turned around and I'm going back to my friends and he goes,

01:08:22.960 Hey, do you want to hook me up?

01:08:24.140 And I was like, with what?

01:08:25.960 And he brought his own red solo cup into the club.

01:08:29.000 He had it, he had it crushed in the waistband of his pants, took it out, punched it out like

01:08:33.780 that.

01:08:34.200 And then I'm not kidding.

01:08:36.720 And men wonder why they don't deserve rights.

01:08:38.580 Oh God. 1.00

01:08:39.740 They wonder why I fucking hate them. 1.00

01:08:41.060 Going splitsville on one vodka crayon. 0.99

01:08:44.720 I hate when you tell that story about Billy because he has turned out, he's turned out to 0.99

01:08:49.540 be such a great.

01:08:50.260 And that's what I get for saying no to him at prom.

01:08:52.060 Yeah.

01:08:52.340 Yeah. 1.00

01:08:52.760 I have never seen broker shit in my fucking life. 1.00

01:08:55.040 I was like, are you being dead ass? 1.00

01:08:56.960 Like you want me to, you want me to split my drink in that dirty solo cup? 1.00

01:09:01.560 You want me to smoke you out with this vodka soda? 1.00

01:09:04.320 For real, fuck. 1.00

01:09:05.260 It's got gooch stench in it because it was in the fucking waistline of his pants. 1.00

01:09:08.960 There's like a little crack in the side of it because he folded it up to put it in. 0.99

01:09:12.240 So he's got to hold it with a finger right on the crack.

01:09:13.800 He's got to plug it.

01:09:15.740 Plug the hole.

01:09:16.680 Got the thumb running up the side, holding the crack.

01:09:18.320 I was just thinking last night, I went on a date last night and I was, I had such a good

01:09:21.860 time and I was thinking, why didn't I date more in my early twenties?

01:09:24.440 Cause I was in Chicago. 1.00

01:09:25.620 I was like, and I was like, Oh, you were fucking broke, bitch. 1.00

01:09:28.380 I had no money at all. 1.00

01:09:30.560 That's real.

01:09:31.560 I was overdrafting my bank account on like ramen noodles.

01:09:34.540 You didn't go on dates because you were broke, honey.

01:09:37.280 Right after college?

01:09:38.220 Oof.

01:09:38.560 That's real. 0.99

01:09:39.620 All throughout college, I was fucking broke. 0.98

01:09:41.160 Like even when I had jobs, I still felt like I was broke cause I was like barely making rent 0.98

01:09:45.600 and all that.

01:09:46.160 I had a coming, I had a coming to God moment after a college where I was more broke than

01:09:50.680 I'd ever been because in college, honey, I was maxing those loans.

01:09:53.780 I was loan maxing.

01:09:55.920 I was whatever they would give me.

01:09:57.960 FAPSA maxing. 0.98

01:09:59.200 I'm FAPSA maxing.

01:10:00.460 I would literally, I would say throw an extra 5,000 on there.

01:10:04.140 I'll be wanting to go out to eat.

01:10:07.600 I was just put on.

01:10:09.700 Dory, I'm good for it.

01:10:10.880 I'm good for it.

01:10:11.300 And I'm not having paid them back to this day.

01:10:12.880 I'm refusing.

01:10:14.020 I'm refusing.

01:10:14.840 Default.

01:10:15.200 I know they're going to get paid off the week after I pay them off.

01:10:17.980 I'm not doing it.

01:10:19.040 Me holding out.

01:10:19.820 I'm holding out.

01:10:20.740 Joseph Robinette Biden, I know you watch this.

01:10:23.560 Forgive them.

01:10:24.740 Joey B.

01:10:25.360 Joey B.

01:10:25.900 Joey B.

01:10:26.780 Hook me up.

01:10:27.720 Yeah, I can't.

01:10:28.640 But I was so broke.

01:10:29.540 And then yeah, after college, I was more broke than them because there were no more student

01:10:32.260 loans coming in. 0.99

01:10:33.120 Fucking same. 0.97

01:10:33.880 You know what I do miss about college bars? 0.97

01:10:37.660 Because it felt expensive, but going, oh my God, if we could go back.

01:10:41.300 Yeah.

01:10:41.600 Like a vodka cramping $4.

01:10:43.400 And girl, I'm like, and close it, and close it, and close it, close the tab, close it.

01:10:48.480 Is there a water fountain around here? 0.99

01:10:51.620 I'll just turn it from the fucking faucet in the bathroom. 1.00

01:10:53.860 That's how you get fucked up before you go. 1.00

01:10:56.260 Yup. 1.00

01:10:56.720 Get one drink, sip, and nurse the whole night.

01:10:59.340 Everclear Gatorade. 0.70

01:11:01.800 Dude, the very first drink I ever got fucked up off was gin, but we didn't know what to 0.88

01:11:07.300 mix it with. 0.96

01:11:07.860 So we tried to mix it with orange juice.

01:11:09.760 Hey, don't.

01:11:10.440 That's horrible.

01:11:11.700 And why gin?

01:11:12.860 I'm like a 90, I'm in Mad Men.

01:11:14.620 Like, why am I gin?

01:11:15.960 You got one of those spherical ice cubes.

01:11:18.400 It's just one of the big whiskey cups.

01:11:19.440 It's in my office.

01:11:20.340 It's 2 p.m. on a Monday.

01:11:21.700 Okay. 0.99

01:11:22.740 That's why, gin was the first time I ever got fucked up. 0.93

01:11:25.060 We had a bar in College Station called Tipsy Turtle, and we used to do pickle shots. 0.83

01:11:30.840 And you could do a normal pickle shot or a spicy one where they would do pickle juice, vodka,

01:11:36.820 and then a shot of Tabasco in it. 0.99

01:11:38.320 I would suck them bitches down like it was water. 1.00

01:11:42.980 I mean, like, six, seven, eight tequila shots. 1.00

01:11:45.640 Yes.

01:11:46.260 And then there was this other bar that would do, and again, this is like so not what a

01:11:50.340 college student should be doing. 0.99

01:11:51.440 Like, drink the fucking handle of vodka and go out and dance. 1.00

01:11:54.120 Yeah, literally. 1.00

01:11:55.080 It was called a breakfast shot.

01:11:56.600 Get into this.

01:11:57.760 You start with, that's going to be a orange juice shot.

01:12:02.540 Okay.

01:12:02.660 It's like vodka, orange juice, mimosa.

01:12:04.180 Yeah.

01:12:04.420 And then you move on to a butterscotch pancake shot, which is just, I don't know, it was

01:12:09.460 like-

01:12:09.500 This is at night?

01:12:10.300 This is at night.

01:12:10.840 It's like a maple flavored liquor.

01:12:12.180 You take a shot of that, and then they give you a piece of bacon.

01:12:15.040 You know what?

01:12:16.280 And they throw it into your mouth.

01:12:17.520 Yeah.

01:12:18.000 And they make you-

01:12:18.920 I might need to get down to Texas. 1.00

01:12:21.160 I'm telling you, bitch. 1.00

01:12:22.500 Breakfast shot, and that shit was like $8. 1.00

01:12:24.620 Dude. 1.00

01:12:25.520 So our big move in high school was the-

01:12:27.700 And I wasn't a huge drinker in high school, but I was definitely trying to fit in.

01:12:31.100 We would go get Ocean Waters from Sonic.

01:12:34.300 Yup.

01:12:34.660 Yup.

01:12:34.820 And we would pour half into an empty cup, and then we would pour in a bunch of UV blue

01:12:38.040 vodka, or like Malibu.

01:12:39.420 Yeah.

01:12:39.880 Oh.

01:12:40.340 Malibu's real.

01:12:41.060 Malibu's Ocean Street. 1.00

01:12:41.800 There's Chernobyl in those fucking cups. 1.00

01:12:42.940 Yup. 1.00

01:12:43.740 Yup.

01:12:44.200 So once I'm glowing.

01:12:45.600 Like my junior or senior year of high school, I will try to tell this story short because

01:12:48.940 it's a little long.

01:12:49.440 No, you're fine.

01:12:49.660 My junior year of high school, or it could have been senior year, my friend Abby's, a very

01:12:53.280 good friend of mine to this day, her dad moved, he lived like 20 miles outside

01:12:56.860 of our town, and he moved to a new house, so his house was empty for a while.

01:12:59.800 Yeah.

01:13:00.020 It was a big, huge, like three-story house in the country.

01:13:02.260 And we knew a bunch of kids from the other towns around where I grew up in very rural

01:13:07.680 Missouri, and she was like, I'm gonna throw a party.

01:13:12.040 And we were like, okay.

01:13:12.960 So she threw, we invited like all the kids from the other towns, and everyone converged

01:13:16.880 on this house, and we threw this big-

01:13:17.700 Me picturing like Footloose.

01:13:20.400 We can dance here, Pa.

01:13:23.860 They're dressed like it's from the 50s.

01:13:25.340 Yeah, that's your Kevin Bacon. 1.00

01:13:27.020 Yo, last night was a fucking sock haul. 0.99

01:13:28.820 So, we threw this big party, and it was a huge, a smash hit. 0.99

01:13:34.380 Next day, everyone's texting, when's the next one, right?

01:13:36.380 Period.

01:13:36.760 Now, Project X had come out around this time.

01:13:38.300 Oh, period.

01:13:38.840 So we're like, okay.

01:13:40.020 So we throw another one the next weekend.

01:13:41.660 Yeah.

01:13:42.040 Even bigger.

01:13:42.860 Smash hit.

01:13:43.420 Everyone's having fun hooking up.

01:13:44.680 Not me.

01:13:45.320 Everyone's having fun.

01:13:46.200 Not me.

01:13:46.680 I can't stress that enough.

01:13:47.520 Everyone's having fun hooking up.

01:13:48.200 I'm in the closet, so I'm doing bits on the corner.

01:13:51.040 Literally, at one point-

01:13:51.820 I'm pulling my pajama pants up again.

01:13:53.240 Truly.

01:13:53.760 Truly.

01:13:54.080 All my friends are making out with hot guys, and at one point, I set up a fortune-telling booth.

01:14:00.360 And I was like, come over if y'all want your fortunes, Red.

01:14:02.580 Why are you Tom Hanks and Biggs?

01:14:04.080 Why are you doing fortunes? 1.00

01:14:06.120 Truly, like, so pathetic. 1.00

01:14:07.440 I'm reading palms just to touch a man. 1.00

01:14:09.400 I was like, truly.

01:14:09.880 I'll read your palm.

01:14:10.500 I was like, give it to me.

01:14:11.360 You know, give me a hand.

01:14:12.880 Rock hard under the table.

01:14:13.880 Truly.

01:14:14.440 I'm like, walking around asking if people need refills.

01:14:16.320 I'm like, who is that guy?

01:14:18.880 Which I still do at parties.

01:14:20.920 Did that to all of you the other night.

01:14:22.620 You do.

01:14:22.980 At my party. 1.00

01:14:24.700 A host till you die. 0.99

01:14:25.660 A host till I die.

01:14:26.340 And so, we had the second one, and then we did a big mistake, and we went for a third

01:14:30.100 on the third weekend. 0.99

01:14:31.040 Damn. 1.00

01:14:31.480 Should have quit while you were ahead. 1.00

01:14:32.480 We should have quit while we were ahead, honey, and we sure did not.

01:14:34.400 And it was bigger than ever.

01:14:35.280 And I'm talking, like, we said get there at nine.

01:14:37.120 We showed up at 845.

01:14:38.180 There were already other cars there.

01:14:39.340 So, we were like, this is bad.

01:14:40.500 It was the biggest one we had thrown.

01:14:42.140 And everybody's getting super drunk.

01:14:43.820 I was getting super drunk that night, because there was one guy in my high school that I was

01:14:47.180 convinced was closeted.

01:14:48.460 And I was like, tonight, I'm bagging him.

01:14:50.000 And I eventually, well, anyway.

01:14:51.480 Just to say, eventually.

01:14:54.180 I'm always right.

01:14:55.120 Let's just say, I was right.

01:14:57.280 But it wasn't that night.

01:14:58.220 And so, that night, I got super drunk on UV blue.

01:15:00.560 And everyone took me up. 1.00

01:15:02.040 Fucking acid. 1.00

01:15:02.800 Acid. 1.00

01:15:03.260 Truly, yeah.

01:15:04.360 Battery acid. 1.00

01:15:04.980 Everyone's so fucked up. 1.00

01:15:07.080 And we see sirens. 1.00

01:15:08.040 And the cops have been called.

01:15:09.420 So, now the cops are pulling up.

01:15:11.040 And everyone hides.

01:15:12.840 And we turn off all the lights.

01:15:13.700 And we're like, they can't come in without a warrant.

01:15:15.180 No one knows what they're talking about.

01:15:16.220 And so, it's fully, we are trespassing.

01:15:19.160 Relax.

01:15:19.680 It'll be a mention.

01:15:20.840 So, we all hide.

01:15:21.720 And they don't come in.

01:15:22.940 And then, I'm hiding under a pool table.

01:15:24.880 So, I'm under the pool table.

01:15:26.380 And there's shiny flashlights in the windows.

01:15:28.180 And they're looking around.

01:15:28.840 And they can't see anyone.

01:15:29.660 Everyone's, like, up against the walls like this.

01:15:31.200 And they shine it under the pool table.

01:15:32.300 And it's just me.

01:15:34.080 And he goes, you.

01:15:35.620 And I go. 1.00

01:15:36.360 So, I see your big ass, by the way. 1.00

01:15:38.260 Truly, yeah. 1.00

01:15:38.780 There's not a pool table big enough in the world, honey.

01:15:42.240 And I whisper.

01:15:42.920 I'm like, is he talking to me?

01:15:45.140 And he goes, under the pool table.

01:15:46.520 Out now. 1.00

01:15:48.400 So, I go, fuck, guys. 1.00

01:15:49.580 They got me. 1.00

01:15:50.300 So, I go out.

01:15:50.960 I go, don't worry.

01:15:51.400 I'm going to go handle it. 1.00

01:15:51.760 Fuck him. 1.00

01:15:53.140 I go out there. 1.00

01:15:54.100 And it's the cops.

01:15:54.860 My grandpa is a deputy sheriff.

01:15:56.220 And so, I'm nervous that he's going to be out there.

01:15:57.800 He is not out there.

01:15:58.900 And we're in his county.

01:16:00.420 I go out there.

01:16:01.140 And it's this guy.

01:16:02.560 He's being so intense.

01:16:03.560 Got a flashlight in my face. 1.00

01:16:04.360 Like, what the fuck's going on? 1.00

01:16:05.260 I tell him. 1.00

01:16:05.780 And he goes, here's the deal.

01:16:06.720 I'm feeling generous tonight.

01:16:08.420 Go down there and get everyone who's sober, who's driving.

01:16:11.040 Put all the drunk people in the car.

01:16:12.520 Sober drive them home.

01:16:13.440 And never do this again.

01:16:14.280 I'm not going to give any MIPs.

01:16:16.140 Minor possessions.

01:16:17.500 And I was like, thank you so much.

01:16:18.820 But we, we.

01:16:20.820 I found out.

01:16:21.780 So, I went to gather all the sober people to make sober driving happen.

01:16:24.680 But during the time that they had busted me from under the pool table, we had a foreign 1.00

01:16:28.000 exchange student from Mexico named Carolina.

01:16:30.040 And we, for some reason, were convinced that she would get deported.

01:16:33.000 And so, if she got caught at this party, I don't know why.

01:16:36.060 We were like, she'll get deported.

01:16:37.280 She's like, I'm literally.

01:16:38.520 She's like, I'm a foreign exchange student.

01:16:40.180 Like, I'm in the program.

01:16:40.980 She's, yeah.

01:16:41.380 She's not a U.S. citizen.

01:16:42.640 She's not trying to be.

01:16:43.800 She, so we hid her in a broom closet. 0.99

01:16:45.980 And she was in the broom closet.

01:16:47.240 Well, no one remembered about her.

01:16:48.900 So, we, so like 30 or 40.

01:16:50.620 Because I think one person thought they were going to grab Carolina.

01:16:52.360 The other thought they were.

01:16:53.340 And then we, we.

01:16:55.400 Dude, we were so paranoid.

01:16:56.840 Yeah.

01:16:57.020 Because we thought we got away with murder, you know?

01:16:58.300 Yeah, yeah.

01:16:58.800 And we're like, 30 minutes later, we're on the road home, on the highway home.

01:17:02.120 And Carolina calls us.

01:17:02.920 And she's like, I'm scared.

01:17:04.940 I'm scared.

01:17:05.660 Who's coming to get me?

01:17:06.420 And she's in the house alone.

01:17:07.760 Bless her. 0.97

01:17:07.960 So, we like circle back.

01:17:09.000 Carolina, God bless you, girl.

01:17:10.280 If you're out there, I wish you the best.

01:17:11.560 So, we go back.

01:17:12.160 Sending love.

01:17:12.780 And we're like, we're like nervous that the cops are still watching the house.

01:17:15.440 So, we like turn off our headlights and like creep down a gravel road.

01:17:18.720 This is the same day?

01:17:19.320 This is the same night.

01:17:20.020 Okay, yeah, yeah.

01:17:20.620 It's like 30, 45 minutes later.

01:17:21.500 She's been in the broom closet alone.

01:17:23.440 Bless her. 0.97

01:17:23.680 So, my car, we pull up.

01:17:25.020 We're pulling down with the lights off down this gravel road.

01:17:27.060 And we call her.

01:17:27.640 And we go, run outside now and get in the trunk.

01:17:30.840 We're still convinced she can get deported.

01:17:32.580 And so, if we get pulled over, we're like a gravel road away.

01:17:35.900 And there's this huge yard between the house and us.

01:17:38.140 And we just see in the darkness, Carolina just sprinting towards the car.

01:17:41.880 Someone gets out, opens the trunk.

01:17:43.000 She hops in.

01:17:43.940 And we drive her back.

01:17:45.000 We drive her back in the trunk.

01:17:46.280 Safe from deportation.

01:17:47.020 We got her out of there.

01:17:48.040 Safe from a threat that wasn't going to happen.

01:17:50.300 Let's not. 1.00

01:17:51.120 Fuck Border Patrol. 1.00

01:17:52.420 No, for real. 1.00

01:17:53.380 That being said. 1.00

01:17:54.240 We said, not today, bitch. 1.00

01:17:55.500 Fuck ICE, bitch. 1.00

01:17:56.700 You know what's funny? 1.00

01:17:57.880 When I was in college, there was a bar right off campus called Tropics.

01:18:01.580 And it was known for underage drinking.

01:18:02.900 Like, you could get in pretty easy.

01:18:04.600 So, like, before I had a fake, I would go in early.

01:18:07.720 That way, when it started popping off, like, they wouldn't check me again.

01:18:10.380 Mark, mark, mark, mark. 0.99

01:18:11.240 But then when they started doing sweeping for that shit, my friends would go. 0.98

01:18:14.780 And they would, like, get the stamp. 0.99

01:18:16.140 And she would come right back to me and then press it to my hand. 0.98

01:18:18.360 That's so smart.

01:18:19.260 And so, women in STEM. 0.93

01:18:20.560 Thank you.

01:18:21.140 I love women in STEM. 1.00

01:18:22.140 And so, one time, she pressed it to me.

01:18:23.680 And I walk in.

01:18:24.320 And he goes, why is it on that hand?

01:18:25.440 Because everybody was on their left.

01:18:26.880 And I was like, I don't know.

01:18:27.860 Ask your guy why he stamped my right hand.

01:18:29.580 He goes, what guy?

01:18:30.480 I go, he's somewhere in there.

01:18:31.880 Do you mind if I go in there?

01:18:33.120 My purse is in there.

01:18:34.140 All my stuff.

01:18:34.820 He's like, I'm going to go look for the guy who allegedly stamped your hand.

01:18:37.500 I'm like, okay, yeah, sounds good.

01:18:38.580 He turns around.

01:18:38.920 I just walked in.

01:18:39.760 Period.

01:18:40.900 Me thinking he can't see me. 1.00

01:18:42.160 I'm the biggest bitch in there. 1.00

01:18:43.340 I'm like, you're ahead. 1.00

01:18:44.560 Like, I'm like, Melman the giraffe bitch. 1.00

01:18:47.860 Behind everyone. 0.99

01:18:48.720 But there was this time we left. 0.99

01:18:50.100 And one of my girlfriends and I get fucked up. 0.96

01:18:52.560 It was just the two of us, like, whoo. 0.96

01:18:54.160 Like, drinking all night. 1.00

01:18:55.000 Fucking drinks all night. 1.00

01:18:55.920 Like, absolutely trash. 1.00

01:18:57.440 This is not a good thing. 0.99

01:18:58.460 But she said, I can drive home.

01:19:00.860 And I said, can you?

01:19:01.840 And I didn't live too far.

01:19:03.520 And she was like, no, I'm good.

01:19:04.620 I'm good.

01:19:04.980 And she looked good.

01:19:06.040 And I thought she was good.

01:19:07.040 So I was like, okay.

01:19:08.100 So I got in the car with her.

01:19:08.980 And we're giving two guys a ride home, too.

01:19:11.000 And so she's driving.

01:19:12.720 And this is not a good thing.

01:19:13.780 But, like, drunk driving is pretty common in Hawaii.

01:19:15.280 I don't know why.

01:19:15.980 But, like, it's probably because everything is so close.

01:19:17.620 Not an excuse.

01:19:18.940 I didn't do it.

01:19:19.820 Anyways, we're driving away.

01:19:21.600 You go, don't do it.

01:19:22.420 But we did it.

01:19:22.860 And we had a blast.

01:19:23.280 Like, do as I say, not as I do.

01:19:26.620 And so she starts pulling out, immediately pulled over. 0.67

01:19:29.900 Like, immediately pulled over.

01:19:31.360 And she's a local girl. 0.99

01:19:32.180 Like, she's born and raised in Hawaii.

01:19:33.440 Like, and HPD, like, they're really nice.

01:19:36.300 Like, they're super nice to local people.

01:19:38.060 So they pull us over.

01:19:39.720 The two guys in the back are athletes.

01:19:40.980 So they're like, oh, my God.

01:19:42.220 Oh, my God.

01:19:42.820 Oh, my God. 1.00

01:19:43.380 And I was like, are you guys fucking 21? 0.99

01:19:44.820 And they're like, yeah. 1.00

01:19:45.360 I'm like, you're fine.

01:19:46.060 Relax.

01:19:46.460 Because we were all 21 at that point.

01:19:48.080 And so I'm sitting in the passenger seat.

01:19:49.520 But I'm immediately sober.

01:19:50.740 Because I'm like, uh-oh.

01:19:51.920 And then she's like, he goes, oh, have you been drinking?

01:19:54.000 She's like, I only had a couple.

01:19:55.300 And I was like, a couple hundred.

01:19:57.460 But OK.

01:19:58.060 Girl, you were drinking like a fish.

01:19:59.220 I was like, you drank more than I did.

01:20:00.520 She's slurring her words.

01:20:01.060 Yeah, she's like, no, I only had a couple.

01:20:02.400 And he's like, OK.

01:20:03.000 He takes her out.

01:20:04.400 And then she takes her back there. 0.76

01:20:06.140 He starts giving her the test.

01:20:07.520 Like, the walking in a line. 1.00

01:20:09.180 Like, all that shit. 0.99

01:20:10.020 I wasn't watching. 1.00

01:20:11.060 But I'm assuming she failed miserably.

01:20:12.500 Because then he breathalyized her.

01:20:14.040 Right?

01:20:14.660 And then she was, like, over the limit.

01:20:16.940 But I didn't know what was going on.

01:20:18.140 I'm just sitting there.

01:20:18.820 And it looks like they're kind of, like, laughing and kicking.

01:20:20.860 I was on Instagram.

01:20:21.900 Yeah, I was, like, I was, again, drunk.

01:20:23.960 So I was just, like, staring out the window.

01:20:26.260 And then she comes back.

01:20:27.780 And she goes, and I go, oh, how's it going?

01:20:29.760 Because she looks happy and, like, fine.

01:20:32.120 She goes, OK, so I'm getting arrested.

01:20:33.960 What I need you to do, take my car, drive it to your house so it doesn't get impounded.

01:20:38.020 And then I'll get it from you tomorrow. 1.00

01:20:39.200 I said, girl, are you out of your fucking mind? 1.00

01:20:40.980 I'm not doing that shit. 1.00

01:20:42.260 She goes, I need you to take it so it doesn't get towed. 0.98

01:20:43.900 OK, love you.

01:20:45.100 She goes, he puts the cups on her.

01:20:46.860 Oh, my God! 1.00

01:20:47.180 He puts her in the fucking car. 1.00

01:20:48.740 I was like, oh, my God. 1.00

01:20:50.460 Like, I was, like, I was freaking out.

01:20:51.920 I was like, OK, I got to call an Uber or something.

01:20:53.720 Like, I get out of the car.

01:20:55.200 And so the police officer comes.

01:20:56.700 And he's like, have you been drinking?

01:20:58.640 I go, yeah, I have been.

01:20:59.560 I have been.

01:21:00.080 I've been drinking.

01:21:00.800 Yeah.

01:21:01.280 And then he was like, OK, well, I don't want to tow the car.

01:21:03.640 So, like, you know, if you want, like, you can drive it.

01:21:06.680 I said, what, is this a test?

01:21:08.180 So I get behind the wheel and then you pull me over.

01:21:09.880 Nice try, buddy.

01:21:10.840 Not today. 0.99

01:21:11.200 Me still fucked up. 0.99

01:21:12.080 Nice try. 1.00

01:21:13.300 You're not going to fucking get me. 1.00

01:21:14.420 You're not going to die here today, fucking bitch. 1.00

01:21:18.540 Fucking pig. 1.00

01:21:22.660 And I'm literally like, oh, no, no, no. 1.00

01:21:24.980 Like, I'm not doing that.

01:21:25.940 And he was like, it's not a test.

01:21:27.320 Like, he's like, if you want, I can breathalyze you.

01:21:29.700 And if you're over it, then just call a cab and go home.

01:21:32.280 And I was like, OK.

01:21:33.460 So I got out.

01:21:34.240 Why?

01:21:34.620 I don't know.

01:21:35.160 I got out.

01:21:35.680 Walk over there. 0.99

01:21:36.180 Mind you, I'm like tits pushed up to my chest. 0.98

01:21:38.200 Like, I'm literally in this, like, shortest shorts ever. 0.98

01:21:40.700 You're fashionable.

01:21:40.980 Yeah, I'm like, officer, nice to meet you.

01:21:45.240 And then he breathalyzes me.

01:21:46.760 Girl, I was 0.01.

01:21:48.640 I said, I hold alcohol like a tank.

01:21:53.140 And then I drove home, drove through the drive-thru of Taco Bell, picked up some food, went home.

01:21:58.120 You and the homies in the back? 1.00

01:21:59.020 Yeah, and then I called my mom when I got home.

01:22:00.580 I said, you'll never guess what happened to me tonight.

01:22:02.400 And the mom's like, yeah, those are your grandpa's genes.

01:22:04.200 Like, my grandpa. 1.00

01:22:05.560 Because he can hold liquor like a champ, bitch. 1.00

01:22:07.420 Damn. 1.00

01:22:07.700 Did you feel drunk, though? 1.00

01:22:09.000 I thought I did.

01:22:10.260 I mean, I think the adrenaline probably sobered me up more than anything.

01:22:13.360 But I was like, he's like, oh, you're, like, not even drunk at all. 0.96

01:22:16.660 And I was like, you're goddamn fucking right I'm not. 0.99

01:22:19.100 You're goddamn right. 0.99

01:22:20.880 You said, hey, thanks, player. 0.98

01:22:24.260 Hey, dap me up.

01:22:25.220 Hey, right now.

01:22:26.340 Free the homies. 1.00

01:22:28.900 Free my girl.

01:22:30.060 I said, cool.

01:22:30.600 Now, what can I do to get my girl out of the back seat? 1.00

01:22:32.060 By the way, she should be president. 0.99

01:22:35.480 She's like, she's like, bestie, I'm getting arrested.

01:22:37.240 Yeah, she's like, okay, so I'm getting arrested, but here's what I need you to do.

01:22:40.220 Okay?

01:22:40.540 Lock in with me.

01:22:41.480 Need you to take my car so it doesn't get towed. 0.99

01:22:43.320 And I was like, what the fuck are you doing? 0.99

01:22:44.880 Can you hand me my lip gloss? 0.99

01:22:47.500 No, the cops are, like, chilled.

01:22:48.520 They are arresting me, but they're, like, being very cool about it.

01:22:51.480 Yeah, they're really cool.

01:22:52.600 They're really cool.

01:22:53.080 Yeah, and she came to my house the next morning.

01:22:54.260 She was on my doorstep the next morning.

01:22:55.440 She was like, yo, crazy night.

01:22:57.900 Yeah.

01:22:58.400 One would say yeah.

01:22:59.520 She's like, yo, last night was a misdemeanor.

01:23:03.120 Last night was a warning.

01:23:04.200 Last night was a class A felony.

01:23:07.220 Last night was an MIP.

01:23:11.460 Well, anyways, we've talked about literally everything except the topic, which is great.

01:23:16.840 What was the topic?

01:23:18.940 I didn't even get there.

01:23:19.740 Was the topic?

01:23:20.060 I didn't even get there. 0.96

01:23:22.560 I didn't even fucking get there. 0.96

01:23:24.200 We didn't need it. 0.84

01:23:25.280 Literally, when I texted you yesterday, girl, what's the topic, girl?

01:23:27.540 Just kidding.

01:23:28.120 Never mind.

01:23:28.480 We don't need one.

01:23:28.900 We don't need one.

01:23:30.220 Forget it.

01:23:31.200 Hey, forget about it.

01:23:32.620 That Cooper story is going to stay with me forever.

01:23:35.560 God bless him.

01:23:36.420 God bless him.

01:23:37.280 That's fam-o right there.

01:23:38.420 That's fam.

01:23:39.040 That's gang.

01:23:39.880 That's gang for real.

01:23:42.980 That's mother. 0.99

01:23:43.820 Cooper is mother.

01:23:44.640 I put two pills in front of Cooper. 1.00

01:23:46.820 One's mother, one's cunt. 1.00

01:23:48.880 So choose one. 1.00

01:23:49.680 Choose wife. 0.99

01:23:50.320 He took both.

01:23:53.440 He popped both.

01:23:55.620 He popped both.

01:23:57.060 He's off the perks.

01:23:58.100 There are two pills in front of you. 1.00

01:24:02.140 One's mother, one's cunt. 1.00

01:24:03.760 Cooper, do you feel the rush? 1.00

01:24:08.560 I'm like, Alexa, play Rush by Troye Sivan.

01:24:12.060 What are you wearing?

01:24:13.220 That's poppers, babe.

01:24:14.580 Poppers.

01:24:15.400 Oh, wow. 1.00

01:24:16.380 Shit. 0.99

01:24:16.740 Well, thank you two comedy geniuses for coming on the pod again. 1.00

01:24:21.040 I love y'all to goddamn death. 0.98

01:24:23.400 And I'm serious. 0.99

01:24:24.600 I love you both so much.

01:24:25.440 I could not be more grateful for your friendship. 0.98

01:24:27.020 I'm fucking saying. 0.98

01:24:27.920 The ceiling is so mutual. 0.99

01:24:29.120 I love you.

01:24:29.740 Let's never work together again.

01:24:32.220 This was tough.

01:24:33.280 We shouldn't.

01:24:33.780 Yeah.

01:24:34.000 I feel bad for everyone in the room.

01:24:35.580 It's upsetting.

01:24:36.180 They had to turn the air on for us.

01:24:37.180 We were sweating. 1.00

01:24:38.040 You put three big girls in a room and not have the fucking air on? 1.00

01:24:41.380 Ten more minutes without that mini split running, and it would have smelled like B-dussy. 1.00

01:24:46.700 You would have needed Coop's cologne, for sure.

01:24:49.320 Not even that could have covered the stench.

01:24:50.860 No, lucky you wouldn't touch what I've got brewing.

01:24:52.940 B-dussy. 1.00

01:24:53.940 B-dussy. 1.00

01:24:55.460 Butt pussy. 1.00

01:24:57.080 Booty dick and pussy. 1.00

01:24:58.880 Y'all aren't up? 1.00

01:24:59.980 Butt pussy. 1.00

01:25:00.700 Y'all aren't up. 1.00

01:25:01.340 Well, that's, you know, my prom date knows all about that.

01:25:03.980 He's metaphorical dildos up his B-dussy. 1.00

01:25:07.640 He's all up in his own pussy. 1.00

01:25:09.060 I know he's giving some mousy girl hell in the bedroom. 1.00

01:25:12.180 I know they waited until marriage, and she didn't realize what she signed up for.

01:25:15.900 Oh, he's like, please, please, beg me, please. 1.00

01:25:18.680 I know some bitch in a cardigan goes through war every night. 1.00

01:25:22.800 I'm sorry to say, if the temple's rocking, don't come and knock it. 1.00

01:25:26.760 Car a cardigan and some Tevas.

01:25:28.680 I know.

01:25:30.200 I know he rips those capris off her. 0.55

01:25:34.560 Hair down to her knees.

01:25:36.020 Period.

01:25:36.720 That Stanley is clinking around. 1.00

01:25:39.600 Damn. 0.98

01:25:41.380 But thank you guys so much for coming on the show. 0.99

01:25:43.120 I love y'all.

01:25:43.700 Oh, love you.

01:25:44.780 I love you guys.

01:25:45.860 The best people in the world.

01:25:46.880 Let's never do this again.

01:25:48.280 Let's make a pact.

01:25:49.180 In 10 years, we'll all meet up right back here.

01:25:54.500 Why is everybody laughing?

01:25:57.300 The one. 1.00

01:25:58.080 I'm going to shoot you dead when we finish, so you're not going to make it for 10 years. 0.99

01:26:02.040 The one where they go on Brat TV. 0.99

01:26:04.020 Wait, this is low-key our central purge.

01:26:12.980 Where is Marcel the monkey?

01:26:16.900 Dibs on fat Monica. 1.00

01:26:20.240 I'll be fat Joey when he has that one scene where he's fat. 0.98

01:26:23.580 Dibs on fat Monica. 1.00

01:26:24.440 I want to play that beefy bitch. 1.00

01:26:26.600 Beefy bitch. 1.00

01:26:27.480 I like to think I'm Monica or like Rachel or Phoebe, but I'm Gunther. 1.00

01:26:34.220 Bitch, I'm David Schwimmer. 0.98

01:26:37.220 Not even Ross? 1.00

01:26:38.840 You're David Schwimmer?

01:26:39.900 I'm David Schwimmer out of drag.

01:26:41.580 Not my Ross drag.

01:26:42.860 Did you guys see the super cut of all the times he said juice during the OJ movie?

01:26:47.380 He goes, your Uncle Juice is a good man.

01:26:50.020 Juice, juice, juice.

01:26:51.540 Because they called OJ the juice.

01:26:52.640 Yeah, the juice.

01:26:53.340 And there's a super cut of David Schwimmer's character in that saying it, 15 million pounds. 0.92

01:26:58.100 It's so fucking funny.

01:27:00.040 He's like, juice, juice, juice. 0.98

01:27:02.100 It's like literally every scene.

01:27:03.600 You're David Schwimmer, but in Madagascar.

01:27:07.280 Melman.

01:27:08.020 That's two Melman jokes you've made.

01:27:10.580 Obviously, comedy is my job.

01:27:12.300 My calling and purpose in life.

01:27:13.880 You got Madagascar in the brain.

01:27:15.360 Last night was a Pixar animated feature.

01:27:17.060 That's true. 1.00

01:27:17.660 That's a DreamWorks feature, bitch. 1.00

01:27:19.180 F-R, F-R. 1.00

01:27:19.800 Whoa, okay.

01:27:22.640 Share some ball.

01:27:24.380 I'm sorry.

01:27:25.060 I was very gracious to come in here.

01:27:28.280 And be vulnerable with me.

01:27:29.960 Somebody fly in my gun. 0.99

01:27:34.100 You're lucky.

01:27:34.880 Somebody fly in the mother gun. 1.00

01:27:39.200 Thank you guys for coming on the pod.

01:27:40.560 I adore you.

01:27:41.100 I love y'all.

01:27:41.580 I love it, y'all.

01:27:43.000 Thank you all for joining us on this all-star episode.

01:27:46.040 Where can everybody find you?

01:27:47.380 Please promote anything.

01:27:49.040 I'm on tour, but the shows are all sold out.

01:27:50.740 I don't know what to tell you.

01:27:51.780 Sorry, guys.

01:27:53.640 I'm on Caleb Says Things on the internet.

01:27:55.120 You can find me on there and listen to my new podcast, So True, episodes with both of

01:27:58.420 these two.

01:27:59.060 You've probably already seen it, but check it out.

01:28:01.100 Yeah, please get those views up because the ad suitability is...

01:28:04.020 Literally all my ad suitability on YouTube is just them being like, get a grip.

01:28:10.140 I am Brittany Broski.

01:28:11.440 I have a podcast called The Broski Report. 0.99

01:28:13.300 I have a show called Royal Court that this motherfucker's been on. 1.00

01:28:16.040 We have got to get you on it, my brother. 0.99

01:28:18.000 A lot of talk.

01:28:19.240 A lot of talk, not a lot of emails.

01:28:21.340 Let's get those followers up.

01:28:24.780 We'll revisit.

01:28:25.680 Yeah, we'll see.

01:28:26.260 When you get those followers up, we can have you on the show.

01:28:27.940 Let's do it next quarter.

01:28:29.080 Yeah.

01:28:29.940 Let's see 100K.

01:28:30.960 Let's see 100K.

01:28:32.020 Come on.

01:28:32.600 Let's see that plaque.

01:28:33.620 Hang in there.

01:28:34.120 Oh my god. 0.99

01:28:39.000 Yeah, please follow them on everything you probably already fucking do. 0.72

01:28:41.720 But thank you all for joining us on this episode. 0.92

01:28:43.800 Thank you for watching my brother and sister in Christ.

01:28:46.540 Look at us.

01:28:47.440 Together.

01:28:48.040 Seriously, y'all.

01:28:49.000 The thumbnail. 1.00

01:28:50.040 The fucking iPhones. 1.00

01:28:53.260 Shooting up. 0.99

01:28:53.860 Thank you guys so much for watching this episode.

01:28:57.080 Don't forget, new episodes are available every Wednesday.

01:29:00.000 You can stream the audio on all streaming platforms.

01:29:01.820 Or you can watch the video exclusively and for free on our favorite platform, Spotify.

01:29:06.700 Thank you so much.

01:29:07.580 I love you all.

01:29:08.160 Thank you to Brittany and Caleb, the funniest people on the internet.

01:29:10.780 And I'll see you next week.

01:29:11.700 Bye.

01:29:11.940 Bye.

01:29:12.040 Bye.

01:29:12.260 Bye.

01:29:12.340 Bye.

01:29:12.360 Bye.

01:29:12.400 Bye.

01:29:12.420 Bye.

01:29:12.940 Bye.

01:29:13.900 Bye.

01:29:13.940 Bye.

01:29:13.980 Bye.

01:29:15.980 Bye.

01:29:16.000 Bye.

01:29:16.040 Bye.

01:29:18.040 Bye.

01:29:18.080 Bye.

01:29:18.120 Bye.

01:29:20.040 Bye.

01:29:20.080 Bye.

01:29:20.120 Bye.

The Comment Section with Drew Afualo - April 24, 2024

COMMENT SECTION： ALL STARS Ft. Brittany Broski and Caleb Hearon

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