Ep 66 ｜ The Miracle of Loving Yourself ｜ Kamal Ravikant ｜ The Glenn Beck Podcast
Episode Stats
Words per Minute
175.10349
Summary
Kamal Ravikant talks about how he almost didn t write a book about loving yourself like your life depends on it, and how he turned it into a best selling book that changed the lives of millions of people around the world.
Transcript
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Today's podcast is very, very personal. And it is really meant for people who are struggling with
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doubt right now, all the way to struggling with deep depression. It is really the secret
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of life, I think. And it is brought in a very clear and concise and understandable way by a guy who
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lived it. He was suicidal and not healthy at all. His name is Kamal Ravikant. And he wrote a book.
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They kind of almost had to force himself to do. He knew it was the right thing.
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And then almost chickened out. He wrote it and it became a number one bestseller.
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The new expanded edition is out. Love yourself like your life depends on it.
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This is a very powerful conversation with Kamal Ravikant.
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I almost didn't publish love yourself like your life depends on it. I was terrified. Here I was,
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a CEO who had fallen apart after his company failed, writing a book about how loving himself
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saved him. I thought I would be the laughing stock and my career would be finished.
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But I stepped through the fear and I shared my truth with the world. And what happened next changed my life.
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What happened next was the book took off. The book took off and changed so many lives. This little self-published book on Amazon,
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7,000 words, which is like 40 pages, right? And it was just me sharing my truth and how I'd overcome
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this personal adversity by working on my inside, not on the outside, just working on the being within
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and how that changed everything. Because you were, um, you were wildly depressed to say,
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you say in the book, to say I was depressed would be a good day. Right. Right. That would have been an
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achievement. Yeah. Right. So tell me what you're, tell me where you came from.
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Well, you know, uh, when you build a company, when you're building companies and you have a career in
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Silicon Valley, it kind of becomes your ego gets reattached and your success.
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Yeah. You know, it's a, it's a human thing, but it's also a very cultural thing in building,
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building hard and fast businesses. And then I built this company that when it's going to be my end
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all my, okay, you know, I put every single dime I made in the last decade into it. I built it. It was
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doing great. Then I finally took money from, uh, you know, some pretty spectacular names and the whole
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thing blew up. It completely blew up and I lost everything. I was making payroll off credit cards and I was
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living off credit cards and I got really sick and depressed. And you know, my, my whole sense of
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identity was attached to my company. It was my expression to the world. And so when that fell
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apart, I fell apart. And, um, and that was such an interesting lesson. It was like, look, all I should
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have focused on what I gave to it, not what the result is. Cause the result is bigger than us. The result is
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dependent on so many different things. Uh, but instead I just focused on the result being,
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being me. If that failed, that means I failed. I let everybody down. I lost people money. I was,
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you know, I was a failure and I didn't deserve to be here. And it brought up all these other
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insecurities and issues. And I really didn't want to be here and to put it mildly. And one night I
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remember I was in such misery and I was really, really sick. I'd been working for almost four years,
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never took a day off, you know, 12, 16 hour days, you know, just charging ahead, you know,
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the whole macho business culture thing. And I realized I can't do this anymore. I'm miserable.
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I'm going to get either get out of this or die trying. And I staggered over to my desk. I have a
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journal on my desk and I sat down and I wrote a vow to myself. Now something I learned in life is if
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you make a commitment to yourself, it is, it is a sacred act. It is something to you, between you,
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and something bigger than you, that is pure. And if you make a commitment, you make a commitment,
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a vow, you know, a marriage vow. It's, it's a real thing. So vow to yourself is a real thing.
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You got to live it. But what I didn't expect was this vow came out and it was a vow purely in a
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moment to save myself. I said, I'm going to love myself. I was not that guy who thought about
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things in those terms, you know, like I need to love myself or I need to like myself or anything.
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But I don't know where it came from. It came from something deep within something you are.
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Just so the audience knows you and I are friends and I think you, I think of you as one of the
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most peaceful, humble, sweetest men. I know you are just so kind and you think of others and
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it would never occur to me that you didn't love yourself. Were you this guy before?
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I was. I was. Well, look, we all have our personalities, right? I mean, I've always been,
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I like to think a good man, but no, I didn't love myself, you know, and I had a, you know,
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I came from a childhood that didn't really encourage that or didn't represent that. I came from abuse and
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we had a lot of issues, you know, growing up that, that you still deal with it. Actually,
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like you're always beating yourself up. You don't even realize where that came from. Right. And you
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realize it's a deeper thing. Um, and so no, I, I wasn't the love yourself guy. Let me put it that
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way. You know, I'll tell you one of those, you and I have similar, I mean, reading this, it's like,
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I'm there. Got it. Um, I had problems in my childhood. My mother committed suicide, blah,
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blah, blah. And that's the way I used to deal with it. Blah, blah, blah. I'm fine. I'm totally fine.
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And weak people have problems with it and I'm moving on. It's good. So everything's fine.
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But it wasn't until I was 30 until I just hit a brick wall that I was like, Whoa, no, I am not fine
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from that. I never have been. And you create a tape young that's just playing over and over in your
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head and you don't really realize it. So where you were one of, were you one of those guys that you
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were like, I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm a doer. I do things. I joined the military. I've climbed mountains
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in the Himalayas. I do things. I'm a doer. I'll go accomplish anything. That's, that was
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my, I think my, my way of not confronting things, you know, you just keep them moving
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Did you know you weren't confronting things or did you just think that's who you are?
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You're fine. And I'm just moving. I just do these things.
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That's a great question. I thought I had, you know, when I was in college, I went to therapy,
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you know, for some childhood stuff. Actually in this book, I talk about very openly, like, you
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know, I was molested as a child and then these other things that happened as well. And I went
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and I thought I had covered it. It's done. I fixed it. Right. Move on. Right. Right. It's
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not that simple. Right. It's not because it's not about, it's not about exploring it. It's
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about letting it go in the right way. And, and then you're left, if you've done that with
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Yes. Forgiving yourself, which is, which is the ultimate freedom. And it's funny, right?
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It's like when you realize the weight of what you carry, you know, it's, uh, it's, it's heavy.
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It's part of, we don't realize we can. We just think this is our life. This is us, you know,
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and usually it takes hitting a wall, you know, being humbled. It takes being humbled to really
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look at ourselves with a, with a different eye. And, but I think that's where, um, you know,
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that's where rebirth happens, you know, and probably multiple times in our lives. I don't think
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we hit a point. It's like, okay, this time I fixed it all. No, no, I've gotten, you know,
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I've gotten to the point to where, uh, Oh, and I will never pray for humility again because
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Oh, that's that happens fast. Oh my God. You're so right. Yeah. That happens. And in ways that
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you didn't think it would, you, at least with me, I prayed for humility. This is in the nineties
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and really prayed for humility and to be able to be humbled and, and, uh, and, and more quiet and
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thoughtful. And Oh my gosh, so fast. I was humbled, but I was humbled in a way to where I was actually
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pissed about it. I was like, how, what are you? And it took a friend, a guru friend of mine.
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He went, isn't this what you've been asking for? And I was like, Oh my gosh, it is.
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It is. So we fight. We might even say we want to be more humble, but we fight against it.
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That is true. That is true. It's a, you know, it's a, it's a tough one. I'd like to learn more
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through joy and love than through getting smacked around. Yeah. Yeah. You know? And so, so you are,
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um, uh, you're finding yourself being humbled and it was the loss of the business. It was a loss of
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business, my identity, uh, my health, um, all of it just coming apart at one point, you know? And
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it's funny looking back, I'm like, look, dude, it could have been much worse, but it's funny when
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you're, when we are in our, in the thick of our things, it's, it's the worst thing ever. And life is
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this life is just darkness. You know, we fall into that, that hole. Um, but it took that and
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you know what? It changed my life because of that vow, the one commitment to myself.
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So that can go the other way. Yes, sir. Uh, because I'm an alcoholic and for probably three
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years, I made a vow to myself every day. Don't drink today. Don't drink today. I'm strong. I can
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make it. I don't need that. By the end of the night, I was drinking the next morning I'd get up
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and I'd look in the mirror and I would say, you are worthless. You couldn't do it for one day. And
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I'd make the vow again. And I couldn't. So there's, when you say there's something sacred,
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I believe that to be true, but I think, I think to do what you did and take, make that vow and then
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Yeah. I think it comes down to my belief in the sacredness of that, that act. If you truly believe
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something is sacred, you're going to give it more weight and you're going to put it above you.
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It's a belief. It's a belief that I am, I am committing to all, everything that exists,
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something bigger than me. You can call it God, you can call it whatever, but I'm committed to
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everything. This is it. There's no going back. It's almost like Cortez. The ships are burning.
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Yeah. You know, and I understand the alcoholic thing. I went through a phase where I tried to
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destroy myself with drugs. Yeah. Name them all. I've tried them and I've seen, you know, I've said,
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I've seen the devil, you know, the devil is very seductive, you know, the hard drugs. Oh my gosh.
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Yeah. There's a reason why addiction exists and, um, explore that for a second. What would you like to
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know? There's a reason addiction exists. Well, addiction, you know, I'll give you an example.
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Um, we were talking about this earlier before the podcast, I went through some, a really traumatic,
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uh, surgery three months ago. I like, and, and, uh, I was basically dead and where I bled to death.
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I was spraying blood everywhere after surgery, after I was, as I was doing the hospital, artery
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burst and I was spraying, spraying blood on everyone and basically bled to death and had to grab me and
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shove me into an operating room and slash me open and go fix it. Wow. To save my life. And literally it was,
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it was the, it was that, that close. And so when I got out of the hospital, I was in insane amount
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of pain because when your blood builds up enough that it bursts out of your body, you know, it's
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not pretty, right? Oh, I can't imagine. It's like an oil well coming out of you. I can't imagine.
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And, um, you don't want to either. Sorry for the details. You know, be pretty freaky.
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And I was in a level, I didn't know pain like this could exist. You know, like the level of pain I
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was in, cause it was also in the lower abdominal area. There's a lot of nerves there. And so I was
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on, you name it, every kind of narcotic they gave me, you know, and the hospital, it was also IVs
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and pills and that. When I got out, the surgeon said to me, I had multiple surgeons. One of them
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said like, look, if there's anyone who qualifies for these drugs, it's you, you know? So don't worry,
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we'll keep giving you enough. We just have to call in prescriptions every time because of new laws
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and a week into it. And you know, let me tell you, they're nice. They dull the pain. They kind of make
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you not care. You're just lying there. And also you're lying there incapacitated at home. And I
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realized a week into it, I went off cold Turkey, just cold Turkey. Why? Because I turned in this
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manuscript for this book before I had gone to the surgery. It's expecting a basic elective surgery.
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I'll be out. And now the publisher was sending me the final proofs with the copy edits. And as you
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know, when you're a writer, you care about every word and you want your words to be there, not the
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copy editor's word. And I was looking at the material and realizing my mind wasn't there.
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If I was on these drugs, I couldn't give my all to this book. And so it was like, I realized, look,
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this was purpose. And that was, that was bigger than pain. I would deal with pain, forget the drugs.
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I need to be clear because I have purpose. And I think, and I realized looking at times in my life
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when, when I had, when I struggled with, when I was just like, okay, I'm going to go. I thought I
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was playing with drugs. You think you're playing, you know, you think you're stronger than them.
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That's also a very interesting thing. I always thought I was stronger at it. It won't, it won't
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destroy me. I'm different. Right. I will, I'll do it for a little while. I'll get out of it. No one will ever
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know, you know, and no one ever really did, honestly, you know, um, but for the grace of
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God, here am I, because I tried them all on their day, there's dangerous stuff out there. And I was,
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I think I was trying to destroy myself. And, but those are the times where I think I didn't have
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purpose where I was drifting. But if you have purpose, if you have a vision, if you have something
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you move towards as you think is bigger than you, for me, that's putting this book out to the world.
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This book is so important. It's bigger than me. It's, it belongs to the world. Whereas me,
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I'm going to be here for a certain amount of time. I almost left. I may leave again.
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But the book, but the book was more important. So I had purpose. And I think with addiction,
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and I've talked to some friends about it, who've been through it, you know, we're talking about
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who've dealt with it. And it's like, usually they were to beat addiction when they found something
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bigger than them. People can find faith. People can find something, family, people can find
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something, you know, whatever, but it's got to be bigger than you.
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If I can add a caveat, that is part of it. But unless you deal with what's actually here,
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Oh yeah. Yeah. You just make your life about religion or your job or whatever is bigger than
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you. You're absolutely right. And then you're, you're set up. Cause I did that over and over and
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over again and not thinking that I needed to look inside. And every time I would accomplish that,
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Yes. That is so true. It becomes addiction of its own and it's never enough when you get that point.
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Like there's this, so, you know, it's, it's cliche, but it's anticlimactic. Then your next one,
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the next hit, the next hit. You're absolutely right.
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And it's, and as soon you realize there's nothing to any of that. And then it really
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comes raining down on your head. Yeah. So I was struck by how you talk about, I mean,
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well, the name of the book is love yourself. Like your life depends on it. And it does. And I was
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struck by the way you changed the tapes in your head and go through that.
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Yeah. That was okay. That was actually very interesting because so here I was that night
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in that journal, I wrote this vial, I sit back and I think, and I wrote it so hard. So desperation.
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I think I just carved it to my desk, right? To the paper. And I looked at, I remember being stunned.
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Like, what is this? But I knew because I had done it, I had to do it because that comes out of personal
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belief. This was sacred. I connected to something bigger. I committed something bigger. What do I,
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I didn't know. I didn't, you know, like we all, everyone tells us, you know, love yourself. Great.
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How? You know, it does not, it does not mean go take bubble baths and drink champagne. That's not
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loving yourself. Right. It's one thing above is known as every, it's always an inner game.
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It's not the outer. You can't, if you try to change things in the outer, it doesn't last.
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Once you change things in the inner, you start to shift and that lasts and you have to do it
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consistently. Right. And so I was like, okay, how do I do it? I didn't have access to any books.
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I didn't want to read other people's theories on how to love myself. You know, most, most of them,
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I didn't know. So I just sat around and I just started trying things. I started like, I was,
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you know, like I'm in New York these days and you, I pass sometimes, you know, it's really sad.
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These, you'll see people talking to themselves, homeless people, you know, there's a lot of mental
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problems there. And if you'd seen me, you would have thought I was one of those people.
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I was just walking around and talking to myself, trying to figure out how do I make myself love
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myself. And in the end I started, I was like, what is the stupidest, simplest thing I can do no
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matter how bad I'm feeling? I'm just going to start telling myself I love myself. And I realized as I
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started to do it, that I started doing it like loudly in my apartment, not loudly around other human
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things that are quietly in my head. But one thing it did was it started to shift my thoughts away
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from all the negative thoughts, which were the opposite of loving myself, which were the darkness.
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This all of a sudden gave me a ray of light. And then what was interesting was I think about three,
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four days in by accident, I started making myself feeling it by just feeling breath, by feeling light,
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by feeling love coming in when I said it and something just shifted. I was like, oh, wait a minute,
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this is something here. So go into it. So I would just go down these rabbit holes and try things.
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And if it worked, I'd go deeper. If it didn't, I'd throw it away. It was a clinical trial, sample size
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of one. The only one that matters is the self, if you're going to work on yourself. And before I knew
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it, I was trying these things and I was like keeping records of it. And a little obsessively,
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When you're in that place, that's all there is.
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You, you're, you like your life depends on it. That's what I like. Like your life depends
00:21:35.140
You know what it was? I remember having this image in my head that I was hanging off a cliff
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just with my fingers. And that's all I had was my fingers. And I had to like love myself
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at that desperate intensity that that was going to save me and pull me up. Like that kind
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of intensity is what I walked around. And you know what? It worked.
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So my father taught me, he was a, um, a practitioner of, um, uh, philosophy from California that was
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big in the forties and fifties and sixties. And, um, and it's, it's called, um, the science
00:22:15.680
It's great. Right. Yeah. And that's why I think you and I have so much in common and
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why I recognized so much of this. And my father said to me at one point, he said, you're thinking
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all the wrong thoughts. And, uh, he said, get up tomorrow and just make a check mark of how
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many negative thoughts, just split a paper, positive, negative, and then just don't think
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about them. Don't dwell on it. Just check, check, check. Before I got to the first stoplight,
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45 minutes up in the morning, I was, I had like 30 negative, no positives. And I was like,
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got it. And great exercise. Yeah, it is powerful exercise. It is. And, um, uh, when you, when
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you first think of just think, I love myself, it's really hard because you're most likely
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not in the place of love. You're in the opposite. Yeah. And you, and you, so you don't believe
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it. You've rebellious. Right. Right. But the, the science of mind is the idea that the word
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is the, the most powerful thing. Everything starts as a thought and all thoughts are creative.
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And so if you're thinking all these, you're creating this negative and you have to train
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yourself to think the other way. Cause the world is going to say horrible things about
00:23:46.120
you. You know what I mean? You got enough negative going on. You have to be the source
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of your own positive. And I don't, for me, at least it took a while to say those things
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and have that change. Um, because I had looked at myself in the mirror for three years and
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said, Oh, that's right. You're nothing. So you, this have this, this happened to you
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quickly because I was doing it so intensely. And so then what I also realized was, look,
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I can't keep this intensity up all my life. You know, I, I, I'm going to go off and live
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and I'm going to, so what I did was after a while, I almost created like a little practice,
00:24:31.440
like a mental practice. I would ever do that I would do every day that would keep it going
00:24:35.040
forward. You know, what I realized was, look, we spend our, we spend a lot of time, time
00:24:39.780
about health and fitness. You know, we will, if you want to get in shape, you go to the gym
00:24:43.840
every day. You don't go to the gym once a year. You know, we talk about eating healthy.
00:24:47.720
If you want to don't have diabetes or heart disease, you eat a certain way every day.
00:24:51.560
You don't just do that once a year, but the mind, the most important thing, the inner,
00:24:55.720
the most important thing is the one we pay the least attention to as the one that we have
00:24:59.200
to work on daily. It's the most powerful. It's the most important. It runs the whole show.
00:25:03.900
Mm-hmm. And the mind is different than the brain.
00:25:08.240
Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yeah. So it was originally was the intensity, but then this practice that
00:25:18.300
I came up with, and then honestly, you know, how you said about how looking in the mirror
00:25:22.340
and then, you know, like, like, you know, making the commitment not to drink and then
00:25:25.660
you, then you drank that night. Over time, I would get lazy and I would start, you know,
00:25:30.340
when things get going good, oh, I got it. It's figured out. Life's good. It's on autopilot
00:25:36.820
now. I don't need it, you know? And so, like, I get lazy and that's another thing I wanted
00:25:41.240
to share in the book is like, look, look what happens to the mind. It goes back to old grooves
00:25:46.840
and these old patterns come up. You know, patterns are patterns. They will be there. Our job is
00:25:51.460
to put a new, a more powerful, more empowering and beautiful patterns to serve our life. I was reading
00:25:57.280
this, you know, talking about the new thought. I was reading this new thought book recently
00:26:01.780
and he said, you know, God acts, the devil reacts. And he's talking about the nature of
00:26:08.600
the mind. So we can either be proactive in our thoughts and who we want to be, or we can
00:26:15.240
be reactive. Where's the power? You know, where's the control? Where's the choice? It's
00:26:20.440
in, it's in acting, it's in choosing consciously. And I don't know how, and I'm grateful for it.
00:26:25.540
I still can't point what brought, it wasn't about to like myself. It wasn't about to be
00:26:30.140
better. It was about to love myself. And I think I stumbled into something really powerful
00:26:34.080
and primal because we are all wired for it. You know, we're just literally wired for it.
00:26:39.240
It is our deepest need and it's our deepest gift. You know, that's the irony. You know,
00:26:45.560
we are what we seek, you know, we are what we're seeking here. So I stumbled on it and,
00:26:52.960
So as a Christian, and I know you've taken Eastern and Western philosophy and kind of
00:27:18.800
taken the best of all of them. But yeah, somebody said to me the other day, I can't believe you
00:27:29.620
believe in what you do with your faith. I'm like, not jamming it down your throat, buddy. It works for
00:27:35.440
me. It just works for me. And we were talking about it. And I said, quite honestly, I don't even
00:27:42.500
care if it's true in the end. It's true to me. And it makes me a better human being. Yes. And
00:27:52.220
and I, what I needed was the Christian ritual of baptism. I needed take my sins, all the crap that
00:28:08.720
I've done, take it all away, wash me clean so I can start all over again. Maybe that's true. I think
00:28:16.620
it is. Maybe that's true. Maybe that's just a psychological game. It doesn't matter. It
00:28:23.140
works. It's really important. So how did you wash all of that stuff away?
00:28:31.280
Well, I also have a background, you know, in Christianity. I was baptized, actually,
00:28:35.540
Southern Baptist in Folkman, Georgia, boot camp. The full-on, the full-on dunking, the whole works,
00:28:42.220
right? And I actually started the Bible quite thoroughly for a while. So I know it quite
00:28:46.600
well. And then I've gone and explored the world and just tried to take everything in
00:28:51.340
and see what works for me. In the end, you know, it's so interesting you say that. It's
00:28:55.980
like, ultimately, what makes me better? What makes me a better me? That's all I can work
00:29:03.140
Not just better, but a better... You know, it's like capitalism. You can use capitalism to become
00:29:13.680
rich. Or you can use capitalism to help people and feed people and lift people and make their
00:29:23.000
lives easier. And the byproduct will be you get rich. You know what I mean?
00:29:27.940
And so, it's not just a better person that you, I'm guessing, that you were striving
00:29:43.740
And, you know, here's the funny thing. When you do that, the world becomes that for you.
00:29:48.560
Like, look, that little book I put out, right? Where did it take me? About a month to write
00:29:53.360
because I wrote a lot and then I edited it down to what I just wanted to put out. And
00:29:58.100
it took off. And it went off. It's self-published. No marketing, whatever. So, it went on to sell
00:30:04.740
like half a million copies, right? I have so many emails from people and I did something
00:30:09.440
most authors don't do because I didn't expect to sell any copies. I don't see, Glenn. I expected
00:30:13.020
to sell 10 copies and I was going to buy eight of them to give to friends, right?
00:30:17.660
And I basically put my email address in the back of the book. I was like, hey, if you're
00:30:23.200
interested, just email me. Well, guess what? People emailed me. I have thousands, if not tens
00:30:28.200
of thousands of emails from people about what this simple act of sharing my truth did for them.
00:30:33.480
How it changed their lives. I have met people because some people wrote me. I was like,
00:30:37.200
I got to meet you to confirm this. Who said I had a gun in my hand and someone gave me a
00:30:42.280
book and I read it, put the gun away. And I met a guy who told me about, you know, a bag
00:30:47.340
and the pills and he read my book and he put those away, went home and put it away and put
00:30:51.120
his daughter to bed instead. You know, like these kind of stories. And what did I do? All
00:30:55.600
I did was share my truth, just my process, right? And so when you're, and I did it from
00:31:01.440
a loving place, I was loving myself then. If I wasn't, I wouldn't have, I wouldn't have
00:31:04.740
taken the risk. I would have been, I thought I was going to be a complete, you know, basically
00:31:08.980
tart and feather written out of Silicon Valley. Like, what are you doing? You lost, you inspired
00:31:13.520
investors money and now you're writing a little book. Hey, look at me. I'm loving myself.
00:31:16.720
I mean, that's crazy. That's crazy talk, right?
00:31:19.880
Right. Especially when it starts with, hey, kind of mental breakdown.
00:31:23.820
It makes everybody feel good. Like who's going to invest in me again? Yeah. Right. And
00:31:32.280
instead, look, all these people that just were so generous or so kind just came out of
00:31:36.800
nowhere, bought the book and told me their stories about their lives changed. It changed
00:31:41.500
So it's not, it's not about, um, that, I, I, I say this with respect for what you're teaching
00:31:53.380
in here, but it's, there's something to be said when you're in this place of despair, suicide,
00:32:02.580
you know, the darkness is, you feel absolutely alone and you feel like everybody will judge
00:32:11.560
you. You feel, um, that, uh, nobody else could understand this. Most people don't in your
00:32:18.900
life. You can't really explain it. Um, and when somebody speaks from a very vulnerable place
00:32:31.320
about that, you tend to look around going, I, I thought it was just me. And we all have
00:32:40.260
pieces of this in us, you know? And so it's, it's, it's healing just to know I'm not alone.
00:32:51.180
That's actually one of the reasons why I did the expanded version, because I get some, all
00:32:55.800
these emails, I also got a lot of questions and I realized I had held back a lot because
00:33:00.920
I was still scared of putting myself out there. And so if I was going to do it, if I was going
00:33:07.560
to have this book, I know, well, I need to be full out. So I need to share like how I've used
00:33:10.880
this to overcome childhood, this, that, whatever, because people need to know they're not alone.
00:33:16.760
So take us through, how do you get past childhood?
00:33:21.780
Getting past is maybe not the right word. It's coming to terms and still loving that part of
00:33:26.120
yourself. Like one of the biggest shifts has been for me is, um, and look, I don't need to put my
00:33:32.380
dirty laundry in a book. I did it for a reason, right? Every word is meant to help. And why do I
00:33:38.220
share, you know, my mom doesn't know yet that I was molested. I have to have that conversation with
00:33:42.760
her, you know, and I put it, it's in a book and I haven't told my mom yet. I'm terrified, Glenn.
00:33:48.740
It's going to break her heart. And yet I put in a book, you know, yeah, that's because I was getting
00:33:56.080
I wrote a book, I wrote a book about my mom's suicide and I hadn't talked to my dad about it.
00:34:02.880
And, uh, and I was terrified. What is he going to say? What is he going to say? Because as a family,
00:34:09.180
we never talked about it. And so we never really, I'd gotten together with my sisters and said,
00:34:16.700
okay, I'm on a journey to try to get better. And we have to talk about mom's suicide.
00:34:23.660
And my sister jumped up, my younger sister jumped up and she's two years older than me. And she said,
00:34:31.060
I did not kill her. And I said, Whoa, what? And I said, of course, where did that come from?
00:34:40.580
And she said, you said to me, cause they had an argument right before I'm 13, 14 years old.
00:34:49.540
And I said, if something happened to her, it's your fault. She had carried that into her forties,
00:34:58.820
into her forties. And, uh, I know what you're feeling talking to your mom.
00:35:08.180
But why do these things? It's because they help. If we're going to put our work out to the world,
00:35:13.140
we have to tell the truth. Right. And I get emails from people and they're struggling with it. And I
00:35:18.340
have to say like, look, I've struggled with this and this is what I've done. And it, and all of these
00:35:23.220
things, they're human things. What doesn't have to been through X or Y or Z to identify, because
00:35:29.220
inside we're the same fear is fear, pain is pain, love is love. You know, in the end it's the internal
00:35:34.500
thing. One of the biggest shifts I had, as I started looking myself from a love, as I was
00:35:39.700
loving myself and looking myself, looking at myself from a loving place, because it becomes a state of
00:35:44.900
being. And then your thoughts shift. It's almost like you look at your memories from a different
00:35:50.100
place. And so this child that I was almost, I was ashamed of. Right. That I kind of like, when I had
00:35:56.180
memories, I would just block them off. I realized, oh my God, the strength. Imagine this child, what it took
00:36:02.900
to go through all this and say, somehow get through it and become the man I've become. It's because of
00:36:08.900
him. I owe him. That is strength. What I thought was what I was looking at was shame and weakness.
00:36:14.740
All of a sudden I look back and I'm in awe of this child. What a blessing that is. It really is. It
00:36:21.620
completely shifts everything. And it's just same event. Event hasn't changed. It's looking at it from a
00:36:28.660
place of love for myself, which is a love for this child. I hate to quote Marianne Williamson.
00:36:36.740
Miracle is a change of perspective. And that's a good one.
00:36:42.020
So what are you afraid of talking to your mom? What's your greatest fear on that?
00:36:45.860
I'm afraid of the guilt or the pain she'll feel about maybe not being able to protect me
00:36:50.740
at this place. We were at that where it happened. I don't know. I don't want to cause any pain to my
00:36:57.300
mother. Part of me is like, maybe she will read the book, but you know, your family's like my
00:37:05.380
family. They're not impressed. Hey, I got a bestseller. Yeah. Yeah. I think my brother,
00:37:11.060
you've read it. It's like, no, I've been busy with family where I'm like, dude, I almost died putting
00:37:15.220
this book out and you haven't read the book. It's so funny. It is so funny. So you talk about,
00:37:26.660
I think it's six years later, that's six, seven. Oh yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Where you're on the roll.
00:37:33.940
You're, you're going and six years later fall apart. What happened? I stopped doing the practice.
00:37:43.140
I stopped, uh, eating my own dog food. I thought I had it. So I just got lazy and I let life instead
00:37:49.700
of acting, I started reacting to life. I was having issues in life. So I started reacting to life. And
00:37:54.500
eventually I had a painful breakup happen with someone I love more than anything I have ever loved. And,
00:38:01.620
uh, and I fell apart with it. And, and what was interesting was I didn't, it wasn't just the
00:38:08.420
falling apart with it. That was hard. It was the, now I was dealing with the shame, like, look,
00:38:12.100
I'm the guy who wrote the book and how to do this. I'm the guy who gets these emails from people and
00:38:17.620
how not to do this. I'm the guy who gets email people saying, you've helped me not to do this.
00:38:21.700
And look at me falling apart. And I realized I had to go back in to what I had, what had literally
00:38:28.660
saved me once and just do it again. And what's funny is this has happened a couple of times.
00:38:34.500
And each time I go do it again, part of me is like, is it going to work?
00:38:37.060
You know, it's like, there's this hope or trust, but it's still like, is it going to work this time?
00:38:42.740
I don't know. Because, um, it's funny, the mind, you know, just the, the tricks it plays.
00:38:47.780
And so I had to do it from scratch. And what I did was at the time, um, I started keeping,
00:38:53.540
I kept a journal of what I was doing in my internal self. And as I was doing it,
00:38:58.660
I started getting better and better and better. I realized, oh my God, this is one of the missing
00:39:02.740
pieces of the book because there's so many nuances on working in the inner self.
00:39:06.980
And what I did was I kept a record of what I was doing in the inner self.
00:39:10.740
For instance, what do you do? Tell me, take me through your practice.
00:39:15.540
Well, for example, there is the foundation, which is, I literally make myself feel love
00:39:19.860
for myself all throughout the day, where I walk around with breath, with light, with feeling it in.
00:39:25.860
Look, I can walk around thinking anything I want to think. Why don't I choose the thought I want to
00:39:30.180
think? And I just do it consciously until it becomes the dominant thought that takes practice.
00:39:34.900
People, people, I, I say this all the time. Um, even in the, in my own family,
00:39:43.780
everybody will be upset, including me about something stupid. And I'll just finally stop and go, stop,
00:39:51.300
stop. Why are we dwelling on this for another second? This let's just, let's all let it go.
00:39:59.940
It happened. None of us, it wasn't our fault, blah, blah, blah. It's over. Life is such a choice.
00:40:09.780
And I don't think people understand that's when I was getting better, I was reading Einstein and,
00:40:15.860
and, um, and Hawking and, and, um, uh, Carl Sagan. I'm fascinated by time and space.
00:40:24.820
The idea of space time. It's one, there is not, it's only to mark your position in a map. It's only
00:40:34.580
there to say space time. Oh yeah. That happened to me when I was here and the planet was there and I was
00:40:44.100
standing here. Well, I'm not there anymore. It's not, that has nothing to do with today unless
00:40:53.380
I don't file it away properly. Do you know what I mean?
00:40:56.820
Oh, very much so. Very much so. In fact, um, you know, there's, there's, I recently read this quote
00:41:02.260
that just made me laugh and laugh and laugh and Einstein quote and Niels Bohr, you know,
00:41:06.180
Niels Bohr was father of quantum mechanics and, and, you know, Einstein has a famous quote saying,
00:41:10.740
you know, uh, God doesn't play dice for the universe. And most people don't know Niels Bohr's
00:41:15.780
retort to that. He's like, Einstein, stop telling God what to do.
00:41:24.660
I laughed, I think for an hour, you know, just, um, yeah, it's, you know, it's thought. We think
00:41:32.020
we're thinking most of the time, but we're running loops with just patterns, right? It takes conscious
00:41:36.820
effort to steer the thought to steer the horse, but it's a thought that runs the show. So my
00:41:42.340
fundamental thing is this one thought about love and being in love for myself, right? Just pure. And
00:41:48.340
you know, I talk about faith in here. I talk about belief, you know, it doesn't, it could be,
00:41:53.700
God loves me. It could be whatever, you know, whatever is your thing. What is it? Whatever
00:41:58.020
is your fundamental primary thing? Live it inside. Don't give it lip service. Don't give it like one
00:42:05.220
day a week service, live it inside. And that's where transformation happens. That's one thing I've
00:42:10.180
learned. You work in the inside with that kind of focus, transformation happens. You get better,
00:42:15.540
and your life gets better. Every single time your action gets better, your thoughts get better,
00:42:20.740
people around you get better. It just is the nature of reality that I've learned.
00:42:25.060
And so I start with the very basic thought and I make myself, sometimes what I'll do is I'll just
00:42:29.940
stop throughout the day and I'll take 10 deep breaths. Just 10 deep and, you know, we're breathing
00:42:34.820
anyway, all right? And deep and purposeful breaths and just letting light and letting love for myself
00:42:41.380
and breathe out whatever needs to go. And you know, usually by the eighth breath, you know what comes out?
00:42:46.180
Thank you. So it becomes a cycle of love and gratitude, love and gratitude, bringing in love,
00:42:52.020
release and gratitude. And I walk around in that. And you know, this is just adding and adding and
00:42:58.180
compounding in my head where like that becomes my state of being. Now it's, I'm not perfect at it.
00:43:03.620
I don't think I ever will be, but it sure beats the alternative, which is just letting my mind
00:43:09.620
being a monkey throw bananas everywhere. And it, it will eventually become fear and loathing.
00:43:17.060
Yeah. Darkness. You know, one of the best things someone ever told me was, look, darkness is the
00:43:22.820
absence of light. When you're in darkness, if you're in pain, if you're in fear, loathing, anger,
00:43:27.940
whatever, you don't fight it. You don't win by fighting darkness. What you do is you go to the light.
00:43:33.060
How do you go to the light? He said, find the nearest switch, turn the light, go to the window,
00:43:36.820
pull out your rack, start cleaning the window. Right. And light will come in naturally take
00:43:40.660
the darkness away. So, so the inside on the mind, this is, I'm creating light. I'm literally
00:43:46.900
creating light for myself and it works. You know, it's really simple. Like the truth,
00:43:51.620
truth profound, the best things always are the simplest, you know, to the point of being idiotic.
00:43:57.300
Right. When I've almost, um, yeah, love yourself. Like your life depends on it. You're like, okay,
00:44:05.060
that's a great bumper sticker. No, no, no. It's true. I should do it. It actually works.
00:44:11.220
Yeah. And my life is completely transformed. Once I, after that practice, my literally,
00:44:16.740
my life is the only, the only drawbacks have been my own. Like I'm the one who slowed down.
00:44:23.300
I'm the one who didn't work in my inner self and I've just learned again and again. Whenever I start
00:44:27.780
working in my inner self, life gets better. When I was in the hospital, right. Um, so I go in for the
00:44:34.340
surgery, elective surgery, all that, the athletic injury is supposed to be out next morning. They're
00:44:38.660
releasing me. You're doing great. I walk out and all of a sudden something happens. I almost fall,
00:44:44.500
fall in pain. And I look as a soccer ball size bulge in my abdomen and then it bursts and blood is
00:44:49.460
spraying everywhere. Oh, right. Gosh. And it gets everyone's attention.
00:44:56.180
You know, like in a hospital, best way to get attention is spray blood on people.
00:45:00.180
Yeah. I bet. I bet. And, and let me tell you, it's a horrific memory. Your brain, your mind,
00:45:07.380
your brain is not designed to see blood spurting out. It's, it's not, it's not a normal everyday
00:45:12.580
thing. It's not something we're designed for. And then being taken the OR and I literally got to the
00:45:18.340
point where I, I had to do this. I was thinking, this is it because I could feel the life force
00:45:25.940
straightening out. I could feel, I could feel my body just going and the pain and the horror and the
00:45:30.660
shock and the surrender thinking. I remember this one moment, um, looking around at the mayhem around
00:45:37.300
me, almost in slow motion, all the people in scrubs running around, grabbing instruments and like, you
00:45:42.100
know, seeing all the, and, and thinking this is my last experience. And then thinking, what a shitty,
00:45:49.300
messy way to go. I literally thought that. Like really this?
00:45:59.140
And, and I remember this immense, there were only thoughts of love and fear. It wasn't
00:46:05.140
thoughts. It was like flashes and images of love and fear of people I love and fear and this, this
00:46:10.900
terror. And I remember the anesthesiologist came and she was, she had these, um, these really cool
00:46:17.540
glasses and dangly earrings. And she was like leaning over saying, I'm about to put an IV in.
00:46:21.700
And I just pushed it away and I grabbed her hand and I said, look, and I just, I don't know why I
00:46:25.780
have to tell her I'm scared. And she did something. She put her hand on my hand and it calmed something
00:46:31.860
down. And something we thought, okay, this is it, this is it. And I like, uh, and I remember like
00:46:38.100
falling, this was before the anesthesia. So this wasn't this. I remember falling backwards into darkness
00:46:43.460
thinking, okay, here I come, you know, and, and then waking up, you know, uh, after the, they had saved
00:46:51.700
me. So now I'm, I'd gone in for supposed to be out in a day, right. Walking around, but next thing I
00:46:58.020
know I'm in really like ICU level, you know, I'm in the hospital for in every narcotic known to mankind,
00:47:04.980
all this in a really bad place. So I made a choice then like, look, I'm not going to let this
00:47:11.620
become bad. I'm going to, while I'm here, I'm going to work on my mind. I'm going to do things.
00:47:16.900
One is everyone around me. I'm going to make sure they feel good about themselves. I'm just going to
00:47:21.140
make that a little exercise. And the other thing is I started making myself every chance I could
00:47:26.340
make myself feel blessed that I was still here, make myself feel gratitude. I consciously did that.
00:47:32.740
I'd be there writing in pain, make myself feel gratitude because, or I could make myself feel
00:47:39.140
miserable. It was my choice. And look, I think that really helped get me through it.
00:47:44.420
You know, it's thought is a, thoughts are conscious choices. We don't just don't realize it. But if we
00:47:49.460
do that, um, I think because I'd done this loving myself thing before I knew the power of my thought
00:47:55.540
on me that, and so I do walk around at times feeling blessed because of that, you know, feeling
00:48:02.260
grateful. Well, it's amazing because you will look back on that experience, just like every other
00:48:09.220
quote, bad experience of our life. And at some point you'll look back and go,
00:48:14.740
that was really beneficial. There was, there was something powerful and good about that. And you
00:48:20.740
will be grateful for that moment because the fear goes away. And, and, and that's what, I mean, to
00:48:29.940
really master the mind, that's what you have to be able to do is be grateful when the thing that you
00:48:40.660
despise is happening to you. Yeah. That's the hardest part. That's really hard. But look,
00:48:46.100
it's, I almost ask myself, tell myself what choice do I have? Because otherwise I know what the result
00:48:51.380
will be. If I just give myself to pity and feeling terrible. And let me tell you, there were moments
00:48:57.140
where I did, you know, and you feel like the, you're like, why did this happen? The witch is never,
00:49:03.060
there's never an answer to that. Right. Um, if you do that, there's no way out.
00:49:10.260
The only way out is to consciously choose who I'm going to be on the inside and make that something
00:49:15.060
that's, you know, God acts, devil reacts, you know, just choose that, choose that, choose that.
00:49:21.780
Um, and it's something that's available to all of us. And it's not a religious thing. It's not
00:49:25.780
an Eastern philosophy or Western philosophy thing. It's, it's a human thing. It's a purely a human thing.
00:49:32.100
That we all have it. And that we all have this choice.
00:49:46.100
Tell me how you would have defined success before your company's collapse.
00:50:03.460
Oh, it was, it was, I'm embarrassed to say this. Uh, it was like, you know, um, we used to call
00:50:11.220
in Silicon Valley, F you money. You know, that's an actual term and I'm embarrassed to say, but I
00:50:16.820
remember using that term. Um, yeah, that was my, uh, that we'll have enough money just to tell
00:50:25.060
everybody else, F you, F you. But the funny thing is, if you really know who you are and what you stand
00:50:30.980
for, you can do it anyway. You do it anyway. And you know what? Better opportunities come
00:50:36.260
when you stand up and it takes all the fear away. Yeah. You have no fear when you master this.
00:50:43.060
Um, you've dealt with all the worst parts about you and it doesn't bother you anymore. And you're
00:50:48.980
in fact, probably very open about it. Um, because you didn't realize it helps other people. So they
00:50:54.340
know they're not alone and they can get past it as well. So there's nobody that, you know,
00:50:59.220
there's nothing you're afraid of that somebody's going to go, well, I know who you really are.
00:51:03.540
That's right. That's the best part. It's great. You just laugh. You just laugh.
00:51:08.660
That is the best part is freedom. Yeah. I mean, you don't, I mean, you're not, yeah, that's me.
00:51:12.740
I'm, I'm flawed. Yes. Welcome to the show. Yeah. I had a really powerful person sit in their office
00:51:19.780
and, uh, uh, I knew that they had done, you know, investigative work on me and they were trying
00:51:27.300
to get a, uh, leverage, not open book. And, um, and, uh, I'm called into the office and
00:51:38.660
he sets all this, these documents down. He says, you know, people are trying to take you down and
00:51:44.340
people are trying to find out everything they can about you. And I said, I'm sure they are.
00:51:50.020
And I knew it was him. And, uh, he took these documents, put it up. I think they're all just
00:51:56.100
file folders with empty pages. And he said, you know, you have a really good wife.
00:52:07.460
And that was my look and the hair. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And I said, yes, I do. And he said,
00:52:13.300
it's always a problem when a man does something to hurt his wife. And I looked at him and I said,
00:52:24.580
I know that's why that's never happened. And he stared at me for what seemed like four hours,
00:52:31.380
but it probably was 30 seconds, just locking eyes. Right. He put that away.
00:52:37.780
I don't know if I would have had the strength to sit in a meeting. If I knew all of the bad things
00:52:49.620
that I had done and all of the things that could have been said about me, not necessarily about that,
00:52:54.340
but something else, if I hadn't already dealt with it and just open about it, the power that fear
00:53:01.460
would have had over me, you know, then you could, once you do this, you sit with anybody and they're
00:53:09.780
like, well, I've heard. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Worse actually.
00:53:18.180
The funny thing, the best thing is when you do it from a place of giving value to others,
00:53:22.740
because there's no value. And here's my dirty laundry world. There's a lot of that these days.
00:53:27.060
And I, you know, in the, in the name of vulnerability and I can't stand it, that's
00:53:30.340
just sharing your garbage with the world, throwing more garbage. No shared. How did you get better
00:53:35.540
with it? How did you use it to be better? How did it, how did you heal? You share that,
00:53:41.060
you share the process, you heal others. Just by throwing your garbage out there
00:53:46.100
actually hurts everyone else because everybody else is like, oh, well, they're like that.
00:53:51.220
That's like, why should I be any better? Instead of saying, here's what happened. Here's what it
00:53:59.620
meant. Here's how low it was. And here's how I fixed it. And you can beat it. Then that's really
00:54:06.900
powerful. Yeah. I think we have a responsibility to do that. You know, it's, it's, if we go through
00:54:13.460
something, you know, and it's what we make of it in the end, it's what we make of it. So I look back
00:54:19.140
at this child and, you know, so there was a lot of different kinds of abuse that happened. Right.
00:54:26.420
And I look back and who did, some of the things that I, I used to look, he's become, he's become
00:54:31.620
this very loyal man. And he was a loyal person. He was loyal to people. He was, he, he was a fighter.
00:54:40.260
You know, he went, he was like, I'm going to get through this. This is by, you know,
00:54:44.260
I went on to like study martial arts, join the military, do this, do that. You know,
00:54:48.500
it's because of him, I kind of became that man. It's because of him, I can write these books with
00:54:53.460
the sensitivity I can, you know, all these things that come from what we think was, was trauma and
00:55:00.420
horrible. And, but yet we look at, you know, the gifts it's, it's, I'm in awe of who the people that
00:55:09.220
goes, what we go through, um, and who we become because of it. You know, that's what makes us
00:55:14.900
special. That's what makes us, um, in my, in my, you know, if I use the word and in our own self,
00:55:20.180
great. Yeah. Great or terrible. Fair enough. Fair enough. Yeah. Fair enough. Yeah. If you choose,
00:55:27.460
yes, it is a choice. It's a choice. You know, I have very low tolerance for very,
00:55:31.220
very low tolerance for people who use their past as an excuse to hurt others.
00:55:37.540
That is, that is the worst thing you can do for yourself. Worst thing you can do for the world.
00:55:43.060
Your past is not an excuse. Use your past as a launching ground. Use your past as a,
00:55:49.380
as a gift, because it all is ultimately in the end.
00:55:52.660
The name of the book is Love Yourself Like Your Life Depends On It. Kamal Ravikant. I love you,
00:56:08.660
Just a reminder, I'd love you to rate and subscribe to the podcast and pass this on to a friend so it