The Joe Rogan Experience - Joe Rogan Experience #100 - Brian Redban

00:00:00.000 we got snow bells and whistles We gots no guests. 0.99

00:00:21.000 We ain't gots shit. 0.97

00:00:23.000 This is the 100th episode and it will go to 100 the way it began. 0.98

00:00:28.000 With no form. 0.98

00:00:30.000 Not knowing what the fuck we were doing. 0.97

00:00:33.000 Sitting in front of a laptop with snow. 1.00

00:00:36.000 The stupid karaoke snow effect. 1.00

00:00:39.000 Yeah, I listened to it today actually on the way over here. 1.00

00:00:41.000 It's brutal.

00:00:41.000 It's unlistenable.

00:00:42.000 There was times where there was like 15 seconds, 20 seconds of dead air where we're just fucking sitting there like looking at things. 0.93

00:00:48.000 Yeah.

00:00:49.000 That wasn't really supposed to be on iTunes.

00:00:51.000 We should have never let it go on iTunes.

00:00:53.000 Yeah. 0.98

00:00:53.000 What it is, you know, we were just fucking around. 0.98

00:00:56.000 What started? 0.96

00:00:57.000 Was it Anthony Cumia's show?

00:00:59.000 Actually, I remember a while ago when Justin TV came out, we used to always be on the road in the green room, and I always tried to set up a video in the green room thing.

00:01:07.000 We did it a few times with Joey Diaz, and then Joey Diaz got pissed and twisted my finger.

00:01:11.000 Remember that?

00:01:12.000 He got mad because he didn't want the camera on anymore, and he grabbed my hand and started twisting my finger.

00:01:17.000 It was crazy.

00:01:18.000 He got really upset.

00:01:19.000 Joey, I think, Joey has to be funny all the time in his eyes.

00:01:22.000 And when Joey's backstage, if he's just sitting there like, what?

00:01:25.000 What do you want to do?

00:01:26.000 Well, I'm not even hungry.

00:01:27.000 He doesn't want people to see that.

00:01:29.000 He doesn't want people to see the normal, average, everyday Joey.

00:01:33.000 He just wants Joey when he's on.

00:01:35.000 Right.

00:01:36.000 So yeah, after that incident, I was like, alright, I'm not doing this anymore.

00:01:39.000 And then we tried it again.

00:01:41.000 Joey's a lot more sensitive than you think he is, man.

00:01:43.000 Joey said something to me.

00:01:45.000 Remember when I came down, when we were headed to the show in Portland and Joey got mad?

00:01:49.000 Yeah. 0.91

00:01:50.000 That was ridiculous. 0.98

00:01:52.000 That came out of nowhere, too. 0.97

00:01:53.000 It was just me and him sitting there waiting for you to come down.

00:01:56.000 It was really weird. 0.99

00:01:57.000 I mean, the bottom line was, I had to take a shit. 0.99

00:01:59.000 And sometimes... 0.99

00:02:00.000 Who's that, me or you?

00:02:02.000 It's probably...

00:02:03.000 It's probably me. 0.99

00:02:04.000 You know, when you have to take a shit, sometimes you don't time it well. 0.99

00:02:07.000 Sometimes, like, you're running out the door, I'm like, God damn it, I think I gotta go. 0.99

00:02:11.000 Let me just see if I can get this out real quick. 0.92

00:02:12.000 And I was like... 0.99

00:02:16.000 I'm like, God damn it. 1.00

00:02:17.000 I do have to take a shit, but I haven't had enough lettuce today. 1.00

00:02:21.000 I hate that, when you have to speed up a shit. 1.00

00:02:23.000 That's the worst. 0.99

00:02:24.000 That's not cool at all.

00:02:25.000 It's not healthy. 0.99

00:02:25.000 The worst is when you're thinking about not taking a shit, and then you do, and you go, God, I can't believe I was just going to walk around for the next couple hours with that inside of me. 0.99

00:02:33.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:02:34.000 Or the girlfriend shit, where you get a new girlfriend and you can't shit in front of her. 1.00

00:02:37.000 I shit in front of everybody. 1.00

00:02:38.000 You've got to deal with it. 1.00

00:02:38.000 You have to. 1.00

00:02:39.000 I don't mind if they do it either.

00:02:41.000 It's life. 0.99

00:02:41.000 Yeah, but it just kind of sucks. 0.99

00:02:43.000 You just meet this girl, you're trying to be all sexy and hot, and your bathroom's right next to your bedroom. 0.98

00:02:46.000 I'm just gonna tell her, listen, here's the deal. 1.00

00:02:48.000 I'm gonna go take a stinky shit, hope you can deal with it. 1.00

00:02:51.000 If you're not, you don't get no more of this good dick. 1.00

00:02:54.000 That's what you gotta tell her. 1.00

00:02:55.000 Just let her know, man.

00:02:56.000 It's a commodity.

00:02:56.000 You didn't look through my camera, by the way, that I left you.

00:02:58.000 No, I did not. 0.99

00:02:59.000 God damn it, that's great. 0.99

00:03:00.000 No, I did not. 0.99

00:03:01.000 And if I did, I wouldn't...

00:03:02.000 You know me.

00:03:03.000 I did my first...

00:03:04.000 Well, not my first, but my one or first or second home movie, sex movie.

00:03:09.000 Oh, really?

00:03:09.000 And we were just like, let's see what it looks like.

00:03:11.000 Do you like how you look? 1.00

00:03:12.000 No, because it was a side profile, and I noticed that my gut just kind of sits on her ass when I'm fucking her. 1.00

00:03:18.000 I've never noticed that before, so now I'm looking at 24-hour fitness and shit like that. 1.00

00:03:22.000 Your gut rests on her ass like a fanny pack. 1.00

00:03:25.000 Yeah, it was crazy. 1.00

00:03:26.000 And I left it here, though, and immediately when I saw it, I'm like, oh my god, that video could easily have just gotten out, and that's how it happens.

00:03:34.000 That is how it happens. 0.99

00:03:35.000 Yeah, you fuck around and leave a phone behind. 1.00

00:03:38.000 Exactly. 1.00

00:03:39.000 Jason Tebow has this thing with Sam Tripoli that every time they leave their phone around or somebody gets their phone and it's unlocked. 0.99

00:03:45.000 Take pictures of their dicks. 1.00

00:03:46.000 Yeah, or put black dicks and stuff like that. 1.00

00:03:49.000 Jason likes black dick. 1.00

00:03:51.000 And last night, Jason did his mom know and was saying, I like black dick and stuff. 1.00

00:03:57.000 Did his mom? 0.99

00:03:58.000 What do you mean?

00:03:59.000 She left.

00:03:59.000 She was like, oh, look at these photos I took.

00:04:01.000 And so he did his mom's Facebook and put like, you know.

00:04:04.000 Wait a minute, wait a minute.

00:04:04.000 His mom left her phone behind.

00:04:06.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:04:06.000 So he took her phone and got on Facebook and put pictures of black dicks? 1.00

00:04:10.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:04:10.000 Or I don't know if he put black dicks, but he said something like, I really like black muff or something like that. 1.00

00:04:14.000 Whoa, really? 1.00

00:04:16.000 Yeah.

00:04:16.000 His mom?

00:04:17.000 Yeah, his mom's pretty sweet, though.

00:04:19.000 She's pretty sweet.

00:04:20.000 She's a lesbian. 1.00

00:04:21.000 She just hangs out with the boys type thing.

00:04:23.000 His mom's pretty sweet.

00:04:25.000 You sound like Cartman.

00:04:26.000 She's pretty sweet.

00:04:27.000 Yeah.

00:04:29.000 His mom is pretty sweet.

00:04:31.000 I had one friend that had a mama who was a lesbian growing up. 1.00

00:04:34.000 But he never admitted it, man.

00:04:36.000 Took it forever.

00:04:37.000 Took forever before he came clean.

00:04:39.000 Oh, he knew about it?

00:04:40.000 Everybody knew.

00:04:40.000 His mom was living with this woman with a crew cut with big arms.

00:04:45.000 She would wear Larry the Cable Guy clothes. 1.00

00:04:47.000 She would wear sleeveless shirts, sleeveless vests and shit. 0.99

00:04:50.000 And she had these big floppy truck driver arms. 1.00

00:04:54.000 And she was a dyke. 1.00

00:04:56.000 There was no getting around it.

00:04:57.000 But she was.

00:04:59.000 My friend did not want to come clean, though.

00:05:00.000 Why?

00:05:01.000 Everybody wants to be normal, man.

00:05:03.000 Everybody wants to be normal.

00:05:04.000 You remember Joey Diaz's stories about wanting to be a white kid?

00:05:07.000 Yeah.

00:05:08.000 He's not white, that's right. 0.98

00:05:09.000 Well, I mean, that's kind of ridiculous, though. 1.00

00:05:11.000 You hear that, bitches? 1.00

00:05:11.000 That's called a slurp. 1.00

00:05:12.000 People go, I hate when you make that slurping noise.

00:05:14.000 Can't you turn your microphone off? 1.00

00:05:16.000 Just fucking deal with it, man. 1.00

00:05:18.000 When I was listening to episode number one in the car, that was another thing that the mic sucks so bad. 0.99

00:05:22.000 There was parts where things were dropping and just blew your speakers out.

00:05:26.000 That's pretty annoying.

00:05:27.000 One thing I didn't know is a lot of people say, why do you use Stitcher?

00:05:31.000 I had no idea.

00:05:32.000 I talked to the president recently and we were talking about the whole incident and stuff like that.

00:05:36.000 The incident.

00:05:37.000 The RSS incident.

00:05:38.000 We had a beer.

00:05:39.000 And he said a lot of things that I had no idea that Stitcher did.

00:05:42.000 And one thing was that Stitcher normalizes the whole audio.

00:05:44.000 So when there's big loud bursts and stuff like that...

00:05:47.000 Which is what we should be doing.

00:05:49.000 We should be doing.

00:05:49.000 We actually used to do that, but it made the audio too quiet.

00:05:54.000 I don't know.

00:05:56.000 I'm not an audio engineer, but it didn't work right.

00:05:58.000 Yeah, we need compression.

00:05:59.000 Yeah.

00:06:00.000 I heard that compression was actually not the way to go, though.

00:06:02.000 A lot of audio engineers that work at radio stations here in LA actually told me that that's not the way to go, is to use software post.

00:06:10.000 But who knows?

00:06:10.000 Post.

00:06:11.000 Yeah, but then you have to edit it.

00:06:12.000 You have to put it through post before you...

00:06:14.000 Well, I think it's just a plug-in in the program I use, which is Logic, and it automatically just does that.

00:06:19.000 Right, but you have to run it through the program, meaning you can't do it live.

00:06:22.000 Right, right.

00:06:23.000 They're doing it live.

00:06:24.000 Yeah, they're doing it live.

00:06:25.000 By saying there, I'm talking about the Adam Carolla show.

00:06:28.000 I have podcast envy.

00:06:30.000 I went to his setup.

00:06:31.000 It's so dope.

00:06:32.000 There's something cool about that you and I are just chilling in my office.

00:06:36.000 We always do it this way.

00:06:38.000 It's either in your office or in my office.

00:06:40.000 That's what we do it. 0.89

00:06:40.000 There's something cool about that, but his setup is pretty fucking sweet. 0.89

00:06:44.000 He's doing a radio show. 0.58

00:06:46.000 You actually got one of the same mics that he uses, I guess Marc Maron and him both use.

00:06:50.000 And we tried it out and it didn't sound as good.

00:06:52.000 Well, ours is a lot louder.

00:06:54.000 But I think a part of that is this show is a little more unstructured.

00:06:58.000 So there's people leaning back and yelling and stuff like that.

00:07:01.000 There's not really any of that going on in Marin's show.

00:07:03.000 There's not really any of that going on in the Carolla show.

00:07:06.000 I think for our purposes, these are better.

00:07:09.000 Do you listen to any podcasts besides, you know, or do you just kind of here and there?

00:07:13.000 I listen to Disinfo.

00:07:15.000 I listen to Psychedelic Salon.

00:07:17.000 Psychedelic Salon's kind of cool because it's a podcast, but really it's a bunch of old audio recordings, like old Terrence McKenna recordings or, you know, stuff like that.

00:07:26.000 So I listen to that stuff, but...

00:07:28.000 Honestly, I try to listen to the news.

00:07:31.000 I listen to talk radio for two reasons.

00:07:34.000 One, to see if there's anybody that I agree with.

00:07:36.000 And two, to see if there's anybody that's just completely out to lunch.

00:07:39.000 I listen to Patriot on Sirius Satellite Radio. 0.99

00:07:44.000 The reason why I listen to it, it's all fucking bananas. 1.00

00:07:47.000 It's all these crazy assholes that want to bury gold and they're ready for the whole thing to come tumbling down. 1.00

00:07:52.000 They got their guns ready. 1.00

00:07:53.000 And this Obama, what he's trying to do with this air gun...

00:07:56.000 You know, it's those guys. 1.00

00:07:57.000 You don't fall for that shit. 1.00

00:07:58.000 That doesn't get in the back of your head. 1.00

00:07:59.000 Like, oh my god, you're right.

00:08:00.000 We need to collect gold.

00:08:02.000 No.

00:08:02.000 You don't fall for it.

00:08:03.000 Come on, man. 1.00

00:08:04.000 I think if the shit hits the fan, gold's not what we're gonna need. 1.00

00:08:07.000 We're gonna need bullets and gasoline. 1.00

00:08:09.000 That's what I think.

00:08:10.000 Bullets, gasoline, guns, places to stay, somewhere you go where there's no radiation. 1.00

00:08:16.000 When the shit hits the fan, there's so many... 0.99

00:08:18.000 Human beings have devised so many ways to fuck each other up that if something ever really chaotic happened at this point in time... 1.00

00:08:25.000 Where we really went into, like, nuclear warfare. 0.98

00:08:28.000 Man, the gold ain't gonna help you, dog.

00:08:30.000 Every time I'm away from L.A., this is the reason, one of the things that maybe we should leave L.A. someday, because every time I'm away from L.A., like, I was out of town this weekend, and when I was away, I was like, now's a good time. 0.97

00:08:41.000 If shit was to happen, this would be a good time, because I'm kind of out of the crowd. 0.98

00:08:45.000 I could escape easier, you know, because there's not a whole bunch of traffic in Solvain, and, like, I think I have, like, a whole suitcase of shit. 0.99

00:08:52.000 I have my computers and stuff. 0.84

00:08:54.000 My...

00:08:55.000 I think at a certain point in time, it becomes completely unnecessary to be in such a large group of people.

00:09:00.000 The only benefit of it is that because there's so many people, you're going to get, and especially because it's such a desired area, you get a lot of fascinating people here.

00:09:10.000 Yeah.

00:09:10.000 And if you move to Denver, what are you going to do with the podcast?

00:09:13.000 Fly Freddie Lockhart out on a plane?

00:09:15.000 I don't know.

00:09:16.000 I think what I could do is, there's three comedy clubs in Denver.

00:09:21.000 There's two comedy works, and there's one improv.

00:09:24.000 I could talk to the people that are coming in for that.

00:09:26.000 I can interview them.

00:09:27.000 Make it like a radio show, kind of.

00:09:28.000 Yeah, there's local comics.

00:09:29.000 There's a strong local comic scene in Denver.

00:09:32.000 So I could always have those guys come on.

00:09:35.000 And we could do Skype, too.

00:09:36.000 I did Ariel Helwani, his MMA show.

00:09:39.000 I did it yesterday.

00:09:40.000 And I did it through Skype.

00:09:41.000 It's pretty badass, man.

00:09:42.000 How did it sound?

00:09:44.000 He sounds great. 1.00

00:09:45.000 I used that stupid blue snowball microphone. 1.00

00:09:48.000 The only thing that's kind of fucked, though, is that you can't hear your own voice. 1.00

00:09:52.000 Right. 0.96

00:09:53.000 There's ways to set it up that you could, definitely.

00:09:55.000 You could use these mics as an example.

00:09:57.000 Yeah, and if I had it set up like this, like if I had it set up like this in Colorado and you had it set up like this in California and we just Skyped it together, we could do a podcast.

00:10:07.000 It'd be pretty easy.

00:10:08.000 Then once I show you how sweet Colorado is, you're going to want to move too.

00:10:11.000 Yeah.

00:10:12.000 But there's not as many of your type of girls out there. 1.00

00:10:15.000 Yeah.

00:10:16.000 I know.

00:10:17.000 You'd have to change your standards.

00:10:18.000 Yeah.

00:10:21.000 I don't know.

00:10:22.000 Hippie is just what's mostly there, right?

00:10:24.000 Like people that are working out and hippie. 0.56

00:10:27.000 Yes.

00:10:27.000 Bolder is a lot of that.

00:10:28.000 Bolder is hippie and bolder is people that are in really good shape.

00:10:31.000 Right.

00:10:31.000 But no one wears makeup.

00:10:33.000 No one looks like a whore. 1.00

00:10:34.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:10:35.000 Shit. 1.00

00:10:36.000 That's kind of a bummer. 1.00

00:10:37.000 I'm going to have to get the girl pregnant or something. 1.00

00:10:39.000 There's not a lot of girls like the ones that you're around all the time in California. 0.51

00:10:45.000 That's very rare for the whole world.

00:10:47.000 Yeah, well that's, you know, I go ups and downs.

00:10:50.000 You know, my dating is not, it's like a stock market graph.

00:10:54.000 You know, it's like I don't really look for what I date.

00:10:57.000 I understand, but what I'm saying is, living in Los Angeles is giving you access to these girls.

00:11:02.000 I know, why leave that?

00:11:03.000 That's worth it. 0.91

00:11:04.000 That's worth death. 0.99

00:11:06.000 At least you die with a hard-on. 0.97

00:11:09.000 I mean, you can find hot chicks in Colorado, they're just not gonna... 1.00

00:11:12.000 I'd be quite so needy.

00:11:14.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:11:14.000 It's fucked up. 0.99

00:11:15.000 You know, ever since I got in this relationship, I already see my stand-up going away. 0.99

00:11:18.000 Just like how it always does. 0.97

00:11:20.000 It's like, hey, do you want to have sex and hang out with this hot girl? 0.92

00:11:23.000 Or do you want to do stand-up and hang out with four guys that you barely know? 0.99

00:11:27.000 Yeah.

00:11:27.000 You've got a tricky situation, because if you really want to do stand-up, you can't just do it during my shows or half-assing.

00:11:33.000 Right.

00:11:33.000 So I'm making myself go to night, but I've been writing.

00:11:36.000 Because when I'm, you know, I'm not writing as much either.

00:11:39.000 Yeah, you're weak. 0.99

00:11:41.000 Weak. 0.99

00:11:42.000 You just give in.

00:11:44.000 But it's easy to do, man.

00:11:45.000 I did that when I was in high school.

00:11:47.000 I used to have a whole joke about it, about how when I was in high school, I played baseball, I did all these sports, until I started getting laid.

00:11:54.000 And then I was like, whatever with all that other stuff.

00:11:57.000 My parents were like, what about baseball?

00:11:59.000 I'm like, yeah, I found this new thing.

00:12:01.000 I think I like it more.

00:12:02.000 Once you start having sex, I'm like, why am I playing baseball? 1.00

00:12:07.000 That shit's boring. 1.00

00:12:10.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:12:10.000 You don't have your first set on tape, do you? 1.00

00:12:13.000 No.

00:12:14.000 No.

00:12:15.000 Do you?

00:12:15.000 Yeah, I watched it the other day.

00:12:16.000 It's awful.

00:12:17.000 It's horrible. 0.99

00:12:18.000 What sucks is just everything sucks. 0.98

00:12:20.000 Do you like the new ones, though? 0.98

00:12:21.000 I like the new ones, definitely.

00:12:23.000 It's definitely...

00:12:23.000 Before, you could see the nervousness on stage.

00:12:26.000 I mean, this was 2003 or whatever, but it was gross. 0.98

00:12:30.000 I can't even fucking imagine. 0.98

00:12:33.000 It's hard to watch my sets from last night, even if I killed. 0.99

00:12:37.000 It's still weird.

00:12:38.000 It's hard, even if you're killing.

00:12:39.000 But man, if you're not killing, ooh, it's painful.

00:12:42.000 It's so painful.

00:12:43.000 Yeah.

00:12:45.000 You gotta figure out, bro, if you really want to do it.

00:12:48.000 Because if you really want to do it, there's only one way to do it.

00:12:50.000 You gotta go gangbusters.

00:12:52.000 You gotta put together an act.

00:12:53.000 You got a rare opportunity, man.

00:12:55.000 You're on the road with me all the time, so you get to do these sets in front of these giant crowds.

00:12:59.000 I guess how I look at stand-up is more as I enjoy doing it kind of like, I like doing it playing baseball.

00:13:05.000 I like bowling, but I guess I'm not looking as in a career-wise.

00:13:10.000 And I don't think I ever want to do it as a career-wise.

00:13:12.000 I think, if anything, it's just a workout for this podcast even.

00:13:16.000 To make you more comfortable?

00:13:17.000 Yeah, just more comfortable, thinking up funny ideas, and just being creative.

00:13:22.000 Because if I'm not doing this, then I'm painting.

00:13:25.000 If I have to be doing something, and right now it's just...

00:13:28.000 You just have so much in you, you need to get out.

00:13:30.000 Yeah.

00:13:31.000 Right?

00:13:33.000 Shroom is really nice to reset that, though.

00:13:35.000 You need to shroom again soon, man.

00:13:37.000 I shroomed the other day, and it wasn't the best one, but it definitely just opens up how you look at everything.

00:13:43.000 It's a reset.

00:13:44.000 Yeah, definitely resetting.

00:13:46.000 I do that every time I get in the tank.

00:13:47.000 The tank's a big reset.

00:13:49.000 You need to try that.

00:13:50.000 But yeah, any opportunity that you have to just fucking step outside of the whole thing and just relax.

00:13:57.000 Let's take a look at this. 0.83

00:13:59.000 Let's assess this from an even position.

00:14:01.000 So many times in life, man, you're just on momentum.

00:14:05.000 Every one step from the next, it's like there's something pushing behind you and you just keep moving.

00:14:11.000 Have you ever forgot to take off a condom after sex?

00:14:15.000 Ew.

00:14:15.000 No, like, sometimes, you know, like, I'll have sex, and then, you know, when I come, and then I'll take the condom, throw away, put a new condom on so I can continue, and then not come again, but I forget I have that condom on.

00:14:27.000 You're getting way too personal. 0.88

00:14:28.000 I know, I know.

00:14:29.000 I was trying to clean it up a little, but...

00:14:31.000 I was shrooming, and then I went to go piss.

00:14:34.000 And I'm sitting there going, ugh. 0.93

00:14:35.000 And you're peeing into the condom? 1.00

00:14:36.000 Yeah, I didn't know the condom was on, and I didn't hear the water, and I'm like, what the fuck? 1.00

00:14:39.000 You might be the laziest motherfucker I have ever met in my life. 1.00

00:14:42.000 You're so lazy, you can't even take your condom off to pee. 1.00

00:14:47.000 I can't be bothered. 0.99

00:14:49.000 It's all the way down there.

00:14:50.000 No, I didn't know it was on there, but it's crazy how much pee comes out so fast, because it was like a full balloon when I looked down, and the first thing you do... 1.00

00:14:58.000 How the fuck does it stay on your dick? 1.00

00:14:59.000 I don't know. 1.00

00:15:00.000 It stayed on pretty... 1.00

00:15:01.000 I guess pussy just dried or something. 1.00

00:15:03.000 I don't know. 1.00

00:15:03.000 But what's crazy, your first thing to do is like, holy shit, and so I just kind of pulled it off, and the weight of the pee dropped into the toilet and just started spraying out back out of the toilet, and it would piss everywhere. 1.00

00:15:17.000 It was fucking... 0.99

00:15:18.000 That doesn't even make sense. 1.00

00:15:19.000 How does that condom stay on you while you're pissing into it? 0.95

00:15:22.000 It did. 0.98

00:15:22.000 It didn't. 0.98

00:15:22.000 It didn't fall off. 0.98

00:15:24.000 What kind of lube did you use?

00:15:25.000 I didn't.

00:15:26.000 You know what I did?

00:15:27.000 I think I might have had some flesh lube around.

00:15:29.000 No, I didn't.

00:15:30.000 No, I didn't.

00:15:31.000 So it was just whatever lube was on the condom.

00:15:33.000 Yeah.

00:15:34.000 Yeah.

00:15:35.000 Wow. 1.00

00:15:35.000 That's fucked up. 1.00

00:15:36.000 Tight condom. 1.00

00:15:36.000 It was a tight condom. 1.00

00:15:37.000 That's ridiculous. 1.00

00:15:38.000 Did you go over your balls? 1.00

00:15:39.000 Huh? 1.00

00:15:41.000 That's another joke a friend of mine, Amir Golan. 1.00

00:15:45.000 Fuck, I forget what his fake name was. 0.99

00:15:47.000 He used to have a fake name that he used to use on stage. 1.00

00:15:49.000 I kind of forget what his name was.

00:15:51.000 But anyway, he had this joke about...

00:15:53.000 I remember the first time I put on a con that was really tight.

00:15:56.000 I got back from the bathroom.

00:15:57.000 The girl was laughing at me. 1.00

00:15:58.000 I was like, this is fucking painful. 0.99

00:15:59.000 Why are you laughing? 1.00

00:16:00.000 She goes, it doesn't have to go over your balls. 1.00

00:16:04.000 Fucking idiot. 1.00

00:16:05.000 He had a bunch of great jokes. 1.00

00:16:07.000 Here's another one.

00:16:08.000 Yeah, my friend got his girlfriend pregnant. 1.00

00:16:11.000 They were having anal sex. 1.00

00:16:14.000 The baby looks like shit. 1.00

00:16:19.000 I feel stupid, but... 1.00

00:16:21.000 Oh, fuck. 1.00

00:16:22.000 Anyway, you're so lazy you don't take off your comments. 1.00

00:16:24.000 No, I just forgot. 0.99

00:16:24.000 I was shrooming having sex. 0.99

00:16:26.000 Do you ever feel like an incredibly lazy person? 1.00

00:16:28.000 Do you ever look at some of the shit that you say? 1.00

00:16:32.000 Like lazy in general in life? 1.00

00:16:34.000 Yeah, just like...

00:16:35.000 I always think I have some kind of...

00:16:37.000 I got my thyroid checked, and it was fine.

00:16:40.000 But I always think that I always have had some kind of...

00:16:43.000 I always feel like I need speed.

00:16:45.000 I need something.

00:16:46.000 When I drink so much coffee, it doesn't feel like it does anything.

00:16:49.000 Do you think you have ADD or something like that?

00:16:52.000 No, I wouldn't say ADD. Or do you one of those fucking buckle-up Republican guys? 1.00

00:16:55.000 There is no ADD. When I was a kid, they were just nutty. 1.00

00:16:59.000 They were just nutty kids. 0.72

00:17:00.000 They're not diseased. 0.98

00:17:01.000 Stop coddling them.

00:17:03.000 No, I probably think it's because I just don't work out. 0.99

00:17:05.000 I don't do shit like that. 0.98

00:17:06.000 That my body's just in fifth gear. 0.97

00:17:09.000 You know, just slow.

00:17:10.000 Right. 1.00

00:17:11.000 Yeah, you need to kick your body in the air. 0.99

00:17:13.000 But all this humping should be doing something for you. 0.98

00:17:15.000 Yeah, absolutely. 0.99

00:17:15.000 Shouldn't that be firing up your fucking testosterone banks? 0.99

00:17:18.000 Bang, bang, bang. 1.00

00:17:19.000 Yeah.

00:17:20.000 No?

00:17:20.000 Yeah, sure.

00:17:21.000 I don't know.

00:17:22.000 What were we talking about? 1.00

00:17:24.000 We were talking about you being lazy as fuck. 0.99

00:17:26.000 Yeah, I think it's either exercise or it's probably some kind of deficiency of some kind, probably, that I need. 1.00

00:17:34.000 Well, I know friends that are on that Adderall shit, and they just said, oh, I needed it to concentrate, and... 0.98

00:17:41.000 Okay, I guess, but it's speed. 0.99

00:17:45.000 I can't think you're going to last very long on speed.

00:17:48.000 I don't like what it feels like.

00:17:51.000 I'll have a cup of coffee during the podcast, and one cup of coffee is fine, but if I have two cups of coffee during the podcast, after the podcast is over, I feel all amped up.

00:18:00.000 I feel like, ugh.

00:18:01.000 See, I don't.

00:18:01.000 I don't feel that.

00:18:02.000 I feel shitty.

00:18:02.000 Really?

00:18:02.000 I don't feel that at all.

00:18:03.000 You don't get, like, there's a lot of energy in your system?

00:18:06.000 No, it doesn't work.

00:18:07.000 But what I do notice is that I clench when, instead of feeling that energy, I'll find myself like...

00:18:13.000 Really? 0.99

00:18:13.000 What the fuck? 0.99

00:18:13.000 I'm clenching my teeth really hard. 0.99

00:18:15.000 I don't know.

00:18:15.000 Out of nowhere?

00:18:16.000 I do it all the time.

00:18:17.000 I noticed on the way home yesterday, because I had two cups of coffee here yesterday, and I noticed I was driving, and I'm like, why am I clenching my teeth?

00:18:25.000 Like, I don't know what it is.

00:18:26.000 Like, it's all going to my jaw. 1.00

00:18:29.000 Dude, you've got to be one of the weirdest motherfuckers I've ever met. 1.00

00:18:32.000 I do it all the time. 1.00

00:18:33.000 If you look back at old Ustreams, you'll see this line on my...

00:18:36.000 I do this and I bite my cheek.

00:18:38.000 And are you thinking about anything while you're doing it?

00:18:40.000 No.

00:18:40.000 Or are you just doing it?

00:18:41.000 I'm just clenching.

00:18:42.000 It's like you have this energy that you've got to get out.

00:18:44.000 Yeah, in my mouth.

00:18:45.000 Squeeze off around.

00:18:45.000 Yeah.

00:18:47.000 Wow.

00:18:48.000 Maybe you have some, like, unaddressed energy issues.

00:18:51.000 I do.

00:18:52.000 You know?

00:18:52.000 Maybe if you, like, started doing something like throwing the discus or something, like, really physical, like, maybe you would, like, feel much better.

00:19:00.000 I've been trying this Xbox dance game on Kinect.

00:19:03.000 It works pretty good. 1.00

00:19:05.000 I love that shit. 1.00

00:19:06.000 When are they going to have some sort of a martial arts game? 1.00

00:19:10.000 Where a robot does certain moves and you can kick it.

00:19:13.000 It moves forward and you can punch it.

00:19:17.000 It doesn't have to do much.

00:19:18.000 It just has to be a target.

00:19:19.000 I think this Kinect thing, I don't know if you know what Kinect is, it's like that webcam thing that you put on top of your TV and it detects your body.

00:19:26.000 It works.

00:19:27.000 I don't know. 0.97

00:19:27.000 I haven't played that much, but the games I've played are fucking badass. 0.97

00:19:30.000 It's like where you just hold up your hand. 0.77

00:19:33.000 You can even do Netflix where you're streaming through movies going like this with your hand moving it left to right.

00:19:37.000 You're streaming through movies, and then if you want to pick one, you pull your hand out and grab it.

00:19:42.000 It's kind of like Minority Report or whatever, but they have games too where you don't have any controllers anymore.

00:19:48.000 So how accurate is it?

00:19:50.000 How effective is it?

00:19:51.000 You know, from what I understand, it's not the best, but I have never noticed it not being accurate.

00:19:56.000 I think it's pretty accurate.

00:19:57.000 So I've heard the opposite.

00:19:59.000 So as long as you're not playing a first-person shooter or something where you'd have to be really precise.

00:20:03.000 I think it's good enough for that.

00:20:04.000 I think it's really based on lighting and clothing. 0.84

00:20:07.000 Because the girl I was with was wearing a dress, and it couldn't detect her separate legs, so it was kind of fucking up.

00:20:13.000 So she took off her dress, and then it worked perfect. 0.72

00:20:17.000 Oh, it's a trick. 1.00

00:20:18.000 It wanted you to be a whore. 1.00

00:20:19.000 Exactly. 1.00

00:20:19.000 That's what it is. 1.00

00:20:20.000 That's right.

00:20:20.000 Well, that's what I told her.

00:20:21.000 It's because you have a dress on.

00:20:22.000 There's too much clothes on.

00:20:23.000 God, what are you doing over here?

00:20:25.000 That's crazy.

00:20:25.000 So now, if you're using it as a first-person shooter, how do you pull triggers?

00:20:30.000 See, I don't know.

00:20:30.000 I haven't played a first-person shooter, but what I would imagine...

00:20:33.000 I don't know.

00:20:34.000 That'd be weird.

00:20:35.000 I don't know how they're going to do it.

00:20:37.000 We can't talk about that one thing, but there is a crazy first-person shooter that...

00:20:42.000 We can't talk about something?

00:20:43.000 No, no.

00:20:44.000 Why not?

00:20:44.000 Because I don't think it's known.

00:20:47.000 Somebody tell us this?

00:20:48.000 No.

00:20:48.000 The video that I showed you that Kevin Pereira might have showed us.

00:20:52.000 Oh, right, right, right, right, right.

00:20:54.000 Yeah, that's all.

00:20:55.000 Incognito. 0.99

00:20:56.000 I didn't know what the fuck you were talking about. 0.99

00:20:58.000 Yeah, because you've got to think, if you're doing a first-person shooter, you've got to deal with two things. 0.99

00:21:02.000 One, how do you simulate movement?

00:21:04.000 Like, how do you go forward?

00:21:06.000 You know, you're running.

00:21:07.000 How do you run forward, and how does the machine know you're running back?

00:21:09.000 Yeah, but because you're not moving forward, though.

00:21:11.000 No, I think it's something to do with your hands.

00:21:13.000 Like, because with the dance game, it was like, you do something like that, that means forward.

00:21:17.000 You go like this, and you shake your hand to the right, that means you're shooting.

00:21:19.000 Well, ideally, what you would want is like a giant, Dome, or a ball rather, and you'd be inside that ball, like a hamster ball.

00:21:27.000 Right.

00:21:27.000 And that ball, you have like some sort of a 3D helmet on, like a complete, you know, what is it?

00:21:33.000 Virtual reality.

00:21:34.000 Complete virtual reality helmet on.

00:21:36.000 And then you would be walking around with this ball, you could walk in any direction.

00:21:40.000 You know, it wouldn't feel totally real, like you'd kind of be realizing that you're on a ball and then you're stuck in this, you know, in this thing. 0.90

00:21:47.000 But that would be, I mean, other than that, how the fuck else could you simulate movement?

00:21:51.000 Unless you just did it inside, like, the virtual reality.

00:21:54.000 Then it wouldn't even be virtual anymore.

00:21:55.000 You'd have to do it inside, like, put a program and then make a program the exact parameters of, say, an airplane hangar.

00:22:03.000 And then you have an empty airplane hangar and they walk around inside that hangar.

00:22:07.000 It's all wired.

00:22:08.000 You could do it that way.

00:22:09.000 But then that kind of defeats the whole purpose of virtual reality, right?

00:22:12.000 The idea is that you're supposed to be able to do it wherever you are.

00:22:15.000 Yeah.

00:22:15.000 Would you ever go to Burning Man?

00:22:17.000 No.

00:22:18.000 Why not?

00:22:18.000 Too many hippies.

00:22:19.000 Too many hippies.

00:22:20.000 I learned about hippies when I moved to Boulder.

00:22:22.000 I like them in theory.

00:22:24.000 Yeah.

00:22:24.000 I like them in theory.

00:22:26.000 I don't like a lot of people that are asking for money all the time. 0.99

00:22:29.000 I find that shit be very annoying. 0.99

00:22:31.000 I don't like people playing shitty songs and wanting a dollar. 1.00

00:22:35.000 Right.

00:22:35.000 You know, for the most part, they're cool, but, you know, there's just, there's too much of that hippie movement that wants people to help them, you know, and this is how I feel about that.

00:22:47.000 If I felt like everybody was on the ball and everybody was doing their best, and, you know, I'm a generous person, and I think one of the things about being generous is if you have the opportunity to do so, It feels really good to be generous, especially if it doesn't affect you.

00:23:03.000 It's not like you're being generous and it's hurting you.

00:23:06.000 So I think it's important.

00:23:07.000 But in passing, say you're passing love to the left, and there's a big circle of people, man. 0.99

00:23:14.000 The real problem is there's a lot of fucking people that never keep passing the love. 0.99

00:23:18.000 They take it and then they walk away. 0.99

00:23:21.000 There's some people that are always there for you.

00:23:24.000 There's some people and they're doing their best and they're living their life and you're doing your best and you're living your life and you're helping each other.

00:23:32.000 Hey man, can I borrow your truck?

00:23:33.000 I gotta move. 1.00

00:23:34.000 Fuck yeah, man. 1.00

00:23:34.000 Come on over. 1.00

00:23:35.000 Dude, anytime. 1.00

00:23:35.000 You got my shit. 1.00

00:23:37.000 We're friends. 1.00

00:23:38.000 You help me, I help you.

00:23:39.000 We're all together.

00:23:40.000 But we all know the few people that don't contribute.

00:23:44.000 They always need something and they don't contribute.

00:23:47.000 And my experience, that's my experience with hippies.

00:23:50.000 That's my experience with... 1.00

00:23:52.000 A lot of people that are really into socialist ideals, a lot of it is because they're fucking lazy, man. 1.00

00:24:01.000 They're fucking lazy and they don't work that hard. 1.00

00:24:03.000 And they don't do their part. 1.00

00:24:05.000 And they somehow or another feel like the whole system's unfair, man. 0.99

00:24:08.000 Which, fuck yeah, of course it is. 0.98

00:24:10.000 Of course it's unfair. 1.00

00:24:11.000 Of course it's corrupt. 1.00

00:24:11.000 Of course it's fucked up. 1.00

00:24:12.000 But that's not why you're a loser. 1.00

00:24:14.000 There's a lot of people that aren't losers. 1.00

00:24:16.000 Most people are losers because they're lazy as shit. 1.00

00:24:19.000 And they want to blame other people for that. 1.00

00:24:21.000 And they want to blame society. 1.00

00:24:23.000 Look, society is completely fucked. 1.00

00:24:25.000 But guess what? 1.00

00:24:25.000 It's not like there's one person that makes it fucked. 1.00

00:24:28.000 The whole thing is it's fucked because it's on a foundation of bullshit. 1.00

00:24:32.000 It doesn't make any sense. 1.00

00:24:33.000 But knowing that, you see what it is.

00:24:37.000 Make your path.

00:24:38.000 Make your path.

00:24:39.000 Figure out something that you can do to feed yourself, okay?

00:24:42.000 Figure out something you can do to put a roof over your head.

00:24:44.000 Just figure it out, man. 0.99

00:24:46.000 Fucking figure it out. 1.00

00:24:47.000 It doesn't mean you have to be a fucking asshole to be successful. 1.00

00:24:50.000 It doesn't mean you have to be a part of the system, man. 1.00

00:24:52.000 No, just stop asking people for money. 1.00

00:24:55.000 Stop being a fucking mooch. 1.00

00:24:56.000 Get your shit together, okay? 1.00

00:24:58.000 That's my problem with hippies. 1.00

00:24:59.000 My problem with hippies is Part of the whole idea of being a hippie is being really nice and being really relaxed.

00:25:06.000 And sometimes life does not call for that. 1.00

00:25:08.000 Sometimes life calls for you gotta get off your fucking ass and make something happen, man. 1.00

00:25:12.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:25:13.000 You know?

00:25:13.000 There's a lot.

00:25:14.000 I had a friend who his girlfriend was having a baby.

00:25:16.000 This is many, many years ago. 0.99

00:25:18.000 And I had a fucking scream at this guy. 1.00

00:25:21.000 This guy was unemployed, and he couldn't get his shit together. 1.00

00:25:25.000 He couldn't make something happen. 0.99

00:25:27.000 He was trying to be a comedian for a while.

00:25:28.000 That didn't work out.

00:25:29.000 And then he was trying to do some other stuff.

00:25:31.000 He was trying to do some radio and a bunch of different things. 1.00

00:25:32.000 And we had this conversation, and I'm like, man, you've got to realize you're going to become that fucking guy. 1.00

00:25:37.000 You're going to become that unbelievably pathetic guy who can't feed his kids. 1.00

00:25:42.000 You gotta fucking do something, man. 1.00

00:25:44.000 You gotta make something happen. 0.99

00:25:45.000 And, you know, it's not, hey, you know, we really need some food.

00:25:49.000 Do you think you could help us?

00:25:50.000 That's the hippie approach.

00:25:51.000 To go to people and... 1.00

00:25:52.000 You gotta make your own fucking way. 1.00

00:25:54.000 You gotta make your own way. 1.00

00:25:55.000 And that was my problem with Boulder.

00:25:58.000 And that would ultimately, I'm sure, be my problem with Portland.

00:26:01.000 It's a bit of my problem with San Francisco.

00:26:02.000 And it's not that I'm not a kind person.

00:26:04.000 I'm a very kind person. 0.97

00:26:05.000 But I recognize the difference between someone who's in need and someone who's fucking lazy. 0.99

00:26:10.000 And there's a lot of people that are just weak. 1.00

00:26:12.000 They're weak as shit, man. 1.00

00:26:14.000 And they have no philosophy to live their life by. 1.00

00:26:16.000 They have no...

00:26:17.000 Discipline that they've developed over years of trying to accomplish things to the point where they have this sense of personal sovereignty.

00:26:23.000 They can take care of themselves.

00:26:24.000 And occasionally everybody needs help.

00:26:26.000 But if somebody will help you if they know that you're the type of person that will help them, and if you know that you're the type of person that does their best, What drives me nuts is when someone wants help. 0.99

00:26:36.000 I'm like, motherfucker, you're not even helping yourself. 0.99

00:26:39.000 Like, look what you're doing for yourself. 1.00

00:26:40.000 And you want someone else to step in and manage your fucking situation? 1.00

00:26:43.000 That's ridiculous, man. 1.00

00:26:45.000 That is the number one problem with the whole idea of everyone together, man. 1.00

00:26:51.000 The real problem is that everyone doesn't do their fucking part, man. 0.99

00:26:54.000 That's the real problem. 1.00

00:26:56.000 There's a lot of lazy bitches in this world. 1.00

00:26:59.000 Yeah, the reason why I was asking about Burning Man is I've often thought the same thing, like, fuck hippies, you know, because I've been there, done that. 1.00

00:27:06.000 I hate it. 0.99

00:27:06.000 You know, I hated the people, too. 0.99

00:27:08.000 The lazy hippies. 0.99

00:27:09.000 There's good hippies and bad hippies. 0.98

00:27:10.000 Yeah, there's great hippies. 0.95

00:27:11.000 There's legit hippies.

00:27:12.000 Right, but I hung out with bad hippies. 1.00

00:27:13.000 It got bad, you know, so.

00:27:15.000 It's like everything else.

00:27:15.000 It's like MMA fans.

00:27:16.000 I have a lot of friends that are MMA fans.

00:27:18.000 I have friends that have graduated from Harvard.

00:27:21.000 I know guys who are scientists.

00:27:23.000 The guy who created Beavis and Butthead, Mike Judge.

00:27:27.000 Huge MMA fan.

00:27:28.000 There's a lot of intelligent MMA fans. 1.00

00:27:30.000 But then there's a lot of idiots. 1.00

00:27:32.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:27:32.000 But I was looking at these videos lately because the girl goes every year or whatever. 1.00

00:27:36.000 And so there is some fucking cool shit going on at Burning Man. 0.98

00:27:40.000 I'm sure. 0.99

00:27:40.000 And I guess you can rent these big RVs, you know, and that's the way to do it. 0.99

00:27:44.000 It's to have your RV. You don't live in a tent or whatever.

00:27:47.000 They have showers and stuff.

00:27:48.000 But there's this thing called...

00:27:50.000 I don't know if you've ever heard of it.

00:27:51.000 They're called...

00:27:52.000 Let's see.

00:27:53.000 What are they called?

00:27:55.000 Hermose... 1.00

00:27:56.000 Shit. 1.00

00:27:56.000 It's zeotropes. 1.00

00:27:57.000 Have you ever heard of a zeotrope?

00:27:59.000 Zeotrope.

00:28:00.000 I'm sorry.

00:28:01.000 Zoetrope.

00:28:02.000 Zoetrope.

00:28:02.000 Z-O-E-T-R-O-P-E. What it is, is it's like a carousel type thing, like a merry-go-round.

00:28:09.000 And each couple feet, there's some kind of sculpture.

00:28:13.000 It's like a monkey hanging from a vine.

00:28:17.000 And then the next one, three feet over, is the same monkey, but it's kind of changing a little.

00:28:22.000 So when it turns, and you have a flashing light that just flashes at a certain rate, it looks like the monkeys are moving.

00:28:31.000 So it's in the middle of this desert, and they have these statues of people diving down into the ground that just melt into the ground.

00:28:38.000 They have these monkey that are spinning.

00:28:41.000 Check this out right here.

00:28:42.000 Here's a monkey one.

00:28:44.000 I don't know if you can see this.

00:28:45.000 Here's a monkey one.

00:28:46.000 Oh, that is badass. 0.99

00:28:48.000 And it's fucking trippy. 0.86

00:28:50.000 So basically what they've done is animation. 0.96

00:28:53.000 Animation, yeah. 0.91

00:28:54.000 Just like the old claymation models they used to use for King Kong and shit.

00:28:58.000 Yeah, or like an old flip book where you draw on a flip book and you flip it through. 0.56

00:29:01.000 That's badass, man.

00:29:02.000 I'm down with the artistic end of it. 0.92

00:29:03.000 I'm down with the whole idea of all these artists getting together and doing cool shit. 0.99

00:29:08.000 I just think there'd be a lot of stinky people. 0.96

00:29:09.000 I just wonder why, or maybe they have, why doesn't a collection of people like yourself do a comedy show while they're there?

00:29:17.000 Because that is...

00:29:18.000 Huge.

00:29:19.000 No, I'd rather not perform there.

00:29:21.000 If I was going to go there, I just want to hang out, have fun.

00:29:23.000 Well, I mean, you can hang out.

00:29:25.000 Imagine performing once like a Woodstock of comedy, psychedelic comedy.

00:29:30.000 There would be so much mushrooms and so much everything else going around.

00:29:34.000 Too much fun. 1.00

00:29:34.000 I would be too fucked up. 1.00

00:29:35.000 I wouldn't want to be talking on stage through a microphone. 0.99

00:29:38.000 That's the last thing you want to do when you're on shrooms.

00:29:40.000 Well, I mean, yeah, you just don't do shrooms that hour and a half, two hours. 0.95

00:29:44.000 Yeah, I think if you're there, you just want to experience it.

00:29:46.000 That's what I would want to do.

00:29:47.000 Yeah, I perform enough, man.

00:29:49.000 I perform plenty.

00:29:50.000 You know, I think...

00:29:51.000 Freddy Soto used to say this back in the day.

00:29:54.000 You know, people used to offer Freddy gigs at, like, bars and stuff like that.

00:29:58.000 And he's like...

00:29:59.000 No, thank you.

00:30:00.000 I appreciate it, but I only do comedy clubs, man.

00:30:02.000 That's it.

00:30:02.000 And that was his...

00:30:03.000 He just was like, it's not worth it, man.

00:30:05.000 You go to these bars and everyone's talking and you can't do your act right.

00:30:08.000 You rush it because you're trying to get their attention.

00:30:11.000 And he was totally right.

00:30:12.000 You know, he's totally right.

00:30:13.000 And that's kind of how I am right now.

00:30:15.000 I only do shows...

00:30:17.000 I'll do, you know, here's my show.

00:30:19.000 I'm at this theater, come see me.

00:30:21.000 I'm at this comedy club, come.

00:30:22.000 And then there's no problems.

00:30:24.000 There's no hassles.

00:30:25.000 It is what it is. 1.00

00:30:25.000 But if you're just doing a fucking, like you're at a tent with some speakers and you're on this stage and all these people are all, they're all fucked out of their minds. 1.00

00:30:34.000 You know, why should they pay attention to you? 0.99

00:30:36.000 They shouldn't.

00:30:36.000 You would feel illegitimate standing there asking them to.

00:30:39.000 If you knew that everyone in the crowd was on mushrooms, you would have nothing to say.

00:30:42.000 Unless I'm on mushrooms too, what am I going to tell you guys? 1.00

00:30:45.000 I'm not going to tell you shit, man. 0.99

00:30:46.000 You're communicating with the alien overlords right now. 0.99

00:30:49.000 You know, these beings that have come on asteroids and their spores have infested this earth.

00:30:54.000 You're communicating with them through eating them. 1.00

00:30:56.000 What, I'm going to tell you some stupid dick jokes? 1.00

00:30:58.000 Yeah, but you're pretty known for being a psychedelic speaker. 1.00

00:31:02.000 I mean, you always do the marijuana shows here in town and stuff like that for the same reason to the same kind of people.

00:31:06.000 Yeah, but I think part of being into psychedelics and understanding psychedelics and have had psychedelic experiences, it sort of negates any idea of you wanting that sort of attention, like doing a show. 0.97

00:31:19.000 When you're doing a show, the beautiful thing about a show is that people enjoy it and they have a good fucking time.

00:31:23.000 They come see a comedy show, but that's not what you want to do when you're jazzed out of your head. 0.95

00:31:28.000 If you're on psychedelics, You don't want to go see a comedy show.

00:31:32.000 I don't want to see anything structured.

00:31:34.000 I certainly don't want someone on stage forcing their...

00:31:37.000 There's a lot of things you say on stage in a comedy show that's just to get a laugh.

00:31:42.000 That's what it's there for. 1.00

00:31:43.000 It's there to spice up the show, to have more fun, and those things will stand out like fucking wet shits in your underwear. 1.00

00:31:50.000 They're just like, oh, what's this? 0.99

00:31:53.000 If you're on Mushrooms, every jokey joke that you have will just be like, bleh!

00:31:57.000 Bring Doug Benson some black lights and some body paint.

00:32:00.000 It might be a good time.

00:32:02.000 Doug Benson would just be hugging girls.

00:32:04.000 Hi, you can have a hug too.

00:32:06.000 Come have a hug.

00:32:07.000 I've never met anybody who's high more consistently than Doug Benson.

00:32:10.000 Yeah.

00:32:11.000 Every now and then he'll send me a tweet.

00:32:13.000 You're high right now, aren't you?

00:32:14.000 Or a text message.

00:32:14.000 You're high right now, aren't you?

00:32:16.000 I'm like, I know you are, motherfucker. 1.00

00:32:18.000 It's so funny because I never knew that was real. 1.00

00:32:21.000 What?

00:32:21.000 Really?

00:32:22.000 When I first met Doug, I thought the whole marijuana thing was kind of like an act, kind of like an Andrew Dice Clay, kind of like he was doing it.

00:32:28.000 I mean, he might have smoked weed, but I didn't think he was the crazy stoner. 0.96

00:32:32.000 And just after hanging out with him that first night, oh, fuck, yeah, immediately, he's like, every five minutes, hey, let's go back to your hotel room and smoke some other joint. 0.99

00:32:40.000 Yeah, those guys like to go deep, man. 0.99

00:32:42.000 There's some dudes who go real deep.

00:32:44.000 Those guys involved in the medical marijuana, like normal, and those guys go so deep.

00:32:51.000 We were, not normal, but the cannabis cop, that was the deepest that I've ever been.

00:32:55.000 There was on Melrose.

00:32:57.000 In Hollywood, I was one of the judges, and it was at a head shop, and they closed the head shop down, they papered up the window so no one could see inside, they put a doorman in the back, locked the front, and then they turned the whole thing into this cannabis cup party. 0.99

00:33:10.000 Really fucking bold move, man. 0.99

00:33:12.000 Because they did this shit in the middle of Hollywood, and the place was just filled with weed. 1.00

00:33:18.000 I mean, it was unbelievable, and no one stopped. 1.00

00:33:21.000 They just kept going deeper and deeper and deeper.

00:33:23.000 Until I left there, I went to get something to eat.

00:33:25.000 I was like, there's no way I can drive home right now.

00:33:27.000 I just gotta hang out for a few hours.

00:33:29.000 I gotta hang out.

00:33:30.000 I mean, most of the time when you're high, driving is not an issue.

00:33:33.000 Because driving is not any more complicated than walking.

00:33:36.000 As long as you're not smoking indica, as long as you're not smoking some dopey weed, if you're driving and you're high, just be extra careful.

00:33:44.000 Watch what you're doing.

00:33:44.000 It doesn't affect your hand-eye coordination.

00:33:46.000 I mean, I do jujitsu on weed.

00:33:48.000 I kickbox on weed.

00:33:49.000 It's not a problem, but... 0.98

00:33:50.000 But I was so high then, I was like, no fucking way, man. 0.91

00:33:54.000 There's no way I'm going to drive this thing and risk not being in control of my senses. 0.99

00:33:58.000 I'm going to have a cup of coffee and have some food and just fucking sit back and read my cell phone for a little bit. 0.93

00:34:05.000 Go over my notes. 0.97

00:34:07.000 I'll sit down for a bit before I drive home. 1.00

00:34:09.000 It was too stupid. 0.99

00:34:11.000 Because you get to a certain point when people are like, everybody's handing you cookies. 1.00

00:34:16.000 Here's a vaporizer bag.

00:34:17.000 Hit this.

00:34:18.000 This is a new blunt paper that I developed.

00:34:20.000 Hit that.

00:34:21.000 And everyone's passing joints left to right.

00:34:23.000 It's like a never-ending, like a cyclone of joints getting passed around. 1.00

00:34:27.000 It was fucking ridiculous. 0.99

00:34:29.000 But you get to this point where... 1.00

00:34:31.000 You're not even high anymore.

00:34:33.000 It's not like you're high anymore.

00:34:34.000 It's like you're not there.

00:34:35.000 It's like you're in a room and the room has one window and it's a circular window.

00:34:42.000 And the room is like four by four wide.

00:34:43.000 You can't even move.

00:34:44.000 There's not even a toilet in it.

00:34:45.000 It's just you.

00:34:45.000 You in that room and that circular window.

00:34:47.000 And that circular window is now how you view the rest of the world. 0.98

00:34:50.000 You're looking out that window going, what the fuck is going on out there? 0.99

00:34:53.000 Because this is crazy. 0.99

00:34:55.000 I don't even know what's happening out there.

00:34:57.000 That's what it's like.

00:34:58.000 It's like you're detached from the world.

00:35:00.000 You're so high, you're detached.

00:35:04.000 But those things, if anybody ever wanted some sort of argument against the cause...

00:35:09.000 Right.

00:35:10.000 Go to one of those cannabis cups, man. 1.00

00:35:12.000 The good thing is, man, everybody is friendly as fuck. 1.00

00:35:15.000 I've been to, shit, a hundred medical marijuana shows or, you know, parties or parties at the Playboy Mansion. 0.99

00:35:23.000 I've never seen so much as an argument. 0.99

00:35:25.000 Never seen a raised voice.

00:35:27.000 Yeah.

00:35:27.000 Never seen a push.

00:35:28.000 Never seen anybody get crazy.

00:35:30.000 Not even girls, you know? 1.00

00:35:31.000 I mean, every time you go out, some girl will be talking shit to some other girl. 1.00

00:35:34.000 Everywhere. 1.00

00:35:35.000 In Vegas, in LA, anywhere.

00:35:37.000 So, If you stay around the night long enough and pay attention, you're gonna hear some girl yell at some girl.

00:35:41.000 Right?

00:35:42.000 Yeah, totally.

00:35:43.000 Definitely.

00:35:43.000 But not in those weed shows.

00:35:46.000 Those weed shows, everybody's just so nice.

00:35:48.000 Yeah.

00:35:48.000 It's just people, if people really realize what it could do for you.

00:35:52.000 You know, so many people, like, I have a friend who's, like, super organized and, like, he's, like, really ambitious and he produces television shows.

00:36:00.000 He's, like, a real go-getter.

00:36:01.000 Very nice guy. 1.00

00:36:03.000 But he's so anal and he's just fucking wound up about shit. 1.00

00:36:06.000 He only wears black. 1.00

00:36:08.000 He won't wear anything other than black.

00:36:10.000 Oh, really?

00:36:10.000 His whole, like, you open up his wardrobe, it's black shirts.

00:36:13.000 Isn't that shit weird when somebody does that? 0.97

00:36:15.000 Or they only wear the white t-shirt, like John Caparello? 0.99

00:36:18.000 Is that his name?

00:36:18.000 Does he do that?

00:36:19.000 He only wears a white t-shirt, you know, like, every day.

00:36:22.000 That's like his outfit.

00:36:23.000 Yeah.

00:36:23.000 His uniform when he goes to work.

00:36:24.000 Yeah.

00:36:25.000 Does he wear it, like, when he goes out on dates, on that white t-shirt?

00:36:27.000 That I don't know.

00:36:28.000 But there's definitely people...

00:36:29.000 Why don't you ask him out on dates?

00:36:30.000 What's up? 1.00

00:36:31.000 That vagina for me. 1.00

00:36:34.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:36:35.000 But there is people like that that only wear certain things.

00:36:38.000 Well, this dude isn't just badly in need of a joint.

00:36:41.000 I keep telling him, I go, dude, just trust me, man.

00:36:44.000 Just trust me.

00:36:45.000 Just try a little weed.

00:36:47.000 It'll help you relax.

00:36:49.000 Mike, you're a good guy.

00:36:50.000 You got a lot of good things going on.

00:36:51.000 You just need a little fresh perspective, man.

00:36:53.000 And it's totally true.

00:36:54.000 You had a live proofing the other day on that podcast 98. It was like, you just need to smoke weed.

00:37:00.000 Immediately after smoking weed, everything was great.

00:37:03.000 Podcast 98, aka the Disaster.

00:37:06.000 The Disaster.

00:37:07.000 Brian Whitaker apparently is very upset with the depictions of him on that podcast.

00:37:11.000 He's been tweeting mean things to you.

00:37:13.000 Yeah, he started attacking me on Twitter just like today.

00:37:15.000 I was like, dude, alright, the thing I'm saying is I'm trying to make sure that people that are at home Can listen to this podcast and understand what's going on instead of having a million people talking at once.

00:37:28.000 There was no attack on you.

00:37:29.000 I understand what you're saying.

00:37:30.000 So for the people that don't know about that podcast, it's not worth listening to.

00:37:33.000 It wasn't a good one.

00:37:34.000 But he just had an issue where he didn't know how to be on a podcast.

00:37:40.000 He didn't know that you can't talk while other people are talking.

00:37:42.000 And he didn't have a chance to prepare.

00:37:45.000 He just got thrown into it.

00:37:46.000 He didn't even know he was going to be doing it.

00:37:48.000 We've talked about him too much.

00:37:49.000 Yeah, we have talked about him.

00:37:50.000 He's a good dude.

00:37:51.000 He's just...

00:37:52.000 He's out there doing his thing, and it's hard out there for a pimp.

00:37:55.000 Yeah.

00:37:56.000 But at least it's easier when you work at the improv.

00:37:57.000 You know, you get stage time.

00:37:58.000 Oh, is that your dig?

00:37:59.000 Is that your last dig, Adam?

00:38:02.000 Because he had a dig at you.

00:38:03.000 You get a lot of people that hate on you, man.

00:38:05.000 Of course.

00:38:05.000 I've always had that.

00:38:06.000 Ever since I started talking to you, I've been getting haters.

00:38:08.000 Ever since you started talking to me?

00:38:11.000 Yeah.

00:38:12.000 Well, man, people don't want to respect the Red Band.

00:38:14.000 Yeah.

00:38:15.000 Because people...

00:38:16.000 Well, whenever you do something, I mean, even you do comedy, people look at it and, God, it looks so easy.

00:38:20.000 I could do that, too.

00:38:21.000 You ain't even funny. 0.99

00:38:22.000 I could fucking do that. 0.97

00:38:23.000 But then, you know, they look at you and, like, what, does he know how to edit some videos or something? 0.99

00:38:27.000 Fucking, I can do that, too. 0.98

00:38:28.000 Right. 0.99

00:38:28.000 You know, they just... 0.99

00:38:29.000 They look at someone who's in a nice spot.

00:38:31.000 Right. 1.00

00:38:31.000 And they think, what the fuck? 1.00

00:38:32.000 Why isn't that me? 0.99

00:38:33.000 Yeah.

00:38:33.000 You know?

00:38:34.000 It's hard to not be jealous, man. 0.99

00:38:35.000 There's some ingrained shit I see with my kids. 1.00

00:38:38.000 Right. 1.00

00:38:38.000 It's really interesting. 1.00

00:38:39.000 The three-year-old and the one-year-old.

00:38:41.000 Sometimes the three-year-old would get upset at the one-year-old.

00:38:43.000 If the one-year-old is getting too much attention, she'll take things from her and stuff. 0.82

00:38:47.000 It's just nature.

00:38:49.000 Nature wants you.

00:38:50.000 You want to collect all that love.

00:38:52.000 That's why people develop great personalities.

00:38:54.000 They develop great personalities because they realize somewhere along the line with rewards is that when you have a great personality, the reward is people are always nice to you.

00:39:03.000 You get all this nice energy.

00:39:04.000 People want to be around you.

00:39:05.000 That's the reason why great personalities get invented. 0.97

00:39:07.000 Because people become whores for other people's love. 0.99

00:39:10.000 That's really what it is. 0.96

00:39:12.000 It's a beautiful thing in both ways, but really the root of it all is that people really want positive attention.

00:39:18.000 So when you see jealousy in little kids and then you see jealousy in grown adults, You know, you see like really petty shit and haters and I love to go on like those gossip blogs, you know, and just to read, I don't even know who these people are, you know, but someone will, you know, it'll be someone from The Bachelor or someone from, I just like to read the comments. 0.98

00:39:38.000 I don't even know what the fuck the story's about. 0.99

00:39:40.000 Half the time I campaigned his baby and his mom and they're in court. 0.99

00:39:44.000 Whatever, whatever.

00:39:45.000 What's going on in the comments?

00:39:45.000 And I go down to the comments and it's just hate.

00:39:48.000 Yeah, it is hate.

00:39:48.000 It's evilness.

00:39:49.000 And it's ridiculous because when people...

00:39:51.000 The biggest thing is like, if it wasn't for Rogan, this, that, this, and that.

00:39:54.000 I'm like, yeah.

00:39:55.000 If it wasn't for Rogan, he saw my work.

00:39:57.000 He liked what I did.

00:39:59.000 He hired me.

00:40:00.000 You're talking about me like I'm not even here, bro.

00:40:01.000 I know, but what is like a company, like NBC, like Jay Leno should, you know, people are mad at Jay like, if it wasn't for NBC, you would be nobody.

00:40:09.000 You know, it's me getting Joe seeing my work and then hiring me.

00:40:14.000 I got a job.

00:40:15.000 It's really simple.

00:40:16.000 He's an artist.

00:40:17.000 Hello.

00:40:18.000 He's an artist and he was creating things that I thought were very worthwhile and so I hired him.

00:40:22.000 It's really simple.

00:40:23.000 It's pretty easy.

00:40:24.000 And, you know, and people that, you know, there's a weird dynamic.

00:40:27.000 And people are like, you know, how are you guys friends?

00:40:29.000 You guys are so different. 1.00

00:40:30.000 Like, you don't have to be the same as your fucking friends, man. 1.00

00:40:33.000 That's silly. 1.00

00:40:34.000 You know, if everyone was the same, then you'd all be running around saying the same shit and cock-blocking each other. 1.00

00:40:39.000 Listen to Paula Abdul. 1.00

00:40:40.000 Opposites attract.

00:40:41.000 Is that what you said?

00:40:42.000 I think.

00:40:43.000 Opposites attract.

00:40:44.000 I heard Forever Your Girl the other day.

00:40:46.000 Forever Your Girl.

00:40:47.000 I miss the music on the podcast, Joe.

00:40:49.000 Yeah, I do too, man. 1.00

00:40:50.000 We can't do that shit anymore. 0.99

00:40:51.000 The Sirius deal is signed, ladies and gentlemen. 1.00

00:40:53.000 Is it signed?

00:40:53.000 Yeah, it's all done.

00:40:54.000 I mean, I haven't written my name on it, but they did.

00:40:57.000 But I'm gonna.

00:40:59.000 So we're gonna have it on Sirius.

00:41:00.000 It'll be 12 episodes.

00:41:01.000 We have to get ready.

00:41:02.000 We have to pull music.

00:41:03.000 If we have music on, we have to check them.

00:41:04.000 Oh, really?

00:41:05.000 We're doing back episodes?

00:41:06.000 Yeah, we're gonna send them 12, and then we're gonna go live.

00:41:09.000 What's your 12 favorite episodes that we've ever done?

00:41:10.000 Not 12, but what's your top five that you've ever done?

00:41:13.000 Top five.

00:41:13.000 Well, my number one favorite, just...

00:41:17.000 Just for sheer far out factor is always Duncan.

00:41:20.000 Duncan's my favorite. 0.98

00:41:22.000 Because Duncan's just so fucking weird. 0.95

00:41:24.000 And when he starts chanting Buddhist mantras and talking to you about the Bhagavad Gita, he just gets me going, man. 0.96

00:41:32.000 Duncan and I, and he doesn't have these conversations he says with anybody else either.

00:41:35.000 He's like, he and I have just this weird chemistry.

00:41:39.000 When we get together, it's all crazy talk.

00:41:41.000 The other day I called him up.

00:41:42.000 I called him up yesterday because I said, hey, we're doing the 100th podcast today.

00:41:45.000 Maybe you want to walk in halfway in and sit down with us.

00:41:48.000 I was thinking maybe that would be cool to have guests come over while we're doing it.

00:41:51.000 And he goes, I would love to because he's in the middle of this show that he's putting together.

00:41:55.000 And he goes, I did mushrooms last night, man.

00:41:57.000 I was surrounded by elves.

00:41:59.000 I have so much to talk to you about. 0.98

00:42:02.000 Yeah, I was scared to fucking eat mushrooms. 0.96

00:42:04.000 He said, I was surrounded by elves. 0.98

00:42:06.000 He said, I did more mushrooms than I've ever done.

00:42:08.000 I was surrounded by elves.

00:42:09.000 So Duncan's going to be in the podcast next week.

00:42:11.000 Sweet.

00:42:12.000 And he's going to tell us this whole thing.

00:42:14.000 And you recently went shrooming up in Northern California?

00:42:19.000 Sylvain.

00:42:20.000 It's like north of Santa Barbara.

00:42:22.000 Wouldn't the world be a better place if people just did that?

00:42:24.000 If they had retreats, you know, instead of going...

00:42:27.000 I mean, even have these wine tasting retreats.

00:42:28.000 How about right next to the wine tasting retreats?

00:42:30.000 A mushroom retreat.

00:42:31.000 Yeah.

00:42:31.000 Go there.

00:42:32.000 Everybody's going to be nice to you.

00:42:33.000 It's all soothing sounds, and you're in a comfortable room, and the shaman are all experienced.

00:42:38.000 Everybody who works there is professional.

00:42:40.000 You pay a couple hundred bucks a day or whatever the hell you do, and you just blast off.

00:42:46.000 It's pretty amazing how much better wine tastes when it's at the vineyard.

00:42:50.000 I don't know why, because it's all the same.

00:42:52.000 It's bottled.

00:42:53.000 Is it, well...

00:42:54.000 The ones who offer the tours, are they like really known labels?

00:42:59.000 Yeah, oh yeah.

00:43:00.000 These are like the big dogs.

00:43:01.000 Do you remember the names?

00:43:02.000 I don't remember any names.

00:43:03.000 I usually buy wine by the bottle.

00:43:07.000 Like if it's got a cool bottle, I'll buy it.

00:43:09.000 Really?

00:43:09.000 Yeah.

00:43:10.000 There's kinds of wines I like.

00:43:12.000 I like Merlots. 1.00

00:43:13.000 I like shit like that. 1.00

00:43:14.000 But I just usually go by the bottle like, oh, that's a crazy cat on that, you know? 1.00

00:43:17.000 Yeah, I never used to go...

00:43:19.000 If I was on a date, perhaps, back in the day, I would order a glass of wine or a bottle of wine, but I would never order a glass of wine while I was eating dinner.

00:43:28.000 But now I do all the time.

00:43:30.000 I do all the time.

00:43:31.000 I like a nice, strong red wine with a steak.

00:43:35.000 It just tastes better.

00:43:37.000 There's this thing, the flavor is all combining.

00:43:40.000 And as I've gotten...

00:43:42.000 Matt Lichtenberg, my buddy, Is a huge wine fanatic.

00:43:47.000 He's a wine geek.

00:43:49.000 He has this crazy wine cellar in his home with some insane amount of money worth of wine in it. 0.98

00:43:54.000 He's one of those guys that can tell you why a wine is good and what year it's good and what part of the country it comes from and all that kind of shit. 0.81

00:44:03.000 And when you're around a guy like that and they know so much about wine, then you start to sort of appreciate it. 0.93

00:44:09.000 Like, oh, okay, this is some weird tasting art form.

00:44:13.000 It's like they're trying to create this ultimate taste and it's a very specific taste.

00:44:18.000 And if you're not, it's a weird thing, like the whole idea of acquired taste. 0.99

00:44:21.000 I used to think that was so stupid. 0.99

00:44:22.000 Like, why would you acquire a taste for something like caviar? 1.00

00:44:25.000 The fucking stuff, you know, it's super expensive, and it really kind of tastes like shit when you first take it. 1.00

00:44:31.000 Why wouldn't you just, okay, it tastes like shit forever, and this is what it is. 1.00

00:44:35.000 I don't have to worry about it anymore. 0.99

00:44:36.000 But no, people get into it, and then they start getting more and more expensive taste.

00:44:41.000 Then you're getting stuff that's thousands and thousands of dollars. 1.00

00:44:43.000 Salty, fucking stupid fish eggs. 1.00

00:44:45.000 Well, wine is kind of like that, too. 1.00

00:44:47.000 The first time you try wine, when you're a little kid or something, who the fuck would get into that?

00:44:53.000 But when you really get a nice Pinot Noir and a delicious steak, and you're cut into that steak, and then you have a sip of the wine, all the flavors together, it takes a while to appreciate it. 0.62

00:45:07.000 But knowing someone who knows as much about wine as I do, I mean, he tells me so much about, you know, it's all about how they put it in what kind of barrels they use, store it, and how they store it, and how long they store it, and how long has it been bottled for, and...

00:45:22.000 It's pretty amazing.

00:45:23.000 One of the wineries I went to, they did cheese pairings, which is cool because you think, okay, they're going to mix this cheese with this wine.

00:45:30.000 Yay, it's going to just taste like cheese and wine. 0.99

00:45:31.000 Now, if I still use the word faggot, which I don't, I might throw it at you right there. 1.00

00:45:36.000 I'm going to be honest with you. 0.99

00:45:39.000 Yeah, I like cheese.

00:45:40.000 You like cheese?

00:45:41.000 I do too.

00:45:41.000 You like wine, right?

00:45:42.000 I do.

00:45:42.000 It just sounds fruity-tooty.

00:45:44.000 Yeah, it does.

00:45:44.000 You say, oh, I went to a cheese pairing and a wine tasting.

00:45:47.000 Dude, you know how wet that pussy gets when you're going to a wine and cheese tasting? 1.00

00:45:51.000 That's the most ridiculous wet pussy you'll ever see. 1.00

00:45:53.000 Because they feel normal for the first time in their life. 1.00

00:45:55.000 Exactly.

00:45:55.000 Like, I'm normal.

00:45:56.000 Brian's a good guy.

00:45:57.000 He's not taking me to see Poison in concert.

00:46:00.000 That's right. 0.99

00:46:00.000 I'm not fucking taking you to Motel 6. It's a wine tasting in the middle of Northern California. 0.99

00:46:06.000 He's an amazing guy.

00:46:08.000 That's cool.

00:46:09.000 You know what?

00:46:10.000 But you went for the fun of it.

00:46:11.000 You didn't go just to him.

00:46:12.000 It was more like, hey, want to get away.

00:46:14.000 No internet.

00:46:16.000 No work.

00:46:16.000 What's it like up there?

00:46:17.000 It's beautiful, dude.

00:46:19.000 It's crazy mountains.

00:46:21.000 There's this huge lake at one point.

00:46:22.000 I forget the name of it.

00:46:23.000 North of Santa Barbara.

00:46:24.000 There's this humongous lake where it's just best fishing I've ever met.

00:46:28.000 Now, are there families up there?

00:46:29.000 Or is it just...

00:46:30.000 Couples mostly?

00:46:31.000 I saw families.

00:46:32.000 I saw families.

00:46:32.000 But it was a lot of bed and breakfasts.

00:46:34.000 There's a lot of nice historic old hotels that you go in and there's just like every room's unique.

00:46:40.000 That's what we stayed at.

00:46:41.000 Like this place called Peterson at the Inn or the Inn at Peterson.

00:46:43.000 Is this near Santa Ynez?

00:46:46.000 Yes, yes.

00:46:47.000 Right next to me.

00:46:47.000 Tom Likas used to always rant and rave about that, man.

00:46:50.000 It's amazing.

00:46:51.000 There was ostrich farms where it was just huge fields of ostriches running around.

00:46:56.000 You can go there and get ostrich eggs and hang out with ostriches.

00:46:59.000 But they're running around.

00:47:00.000 They look like dinosaurs.

00:47:02.000 They look like...

00:47:02.000 It's amazing, man.

00:47:04.000 I highly recommend if you just want a weekend out of L.A., take the kids, go to some farms.

00:47:09.000 It's pretty relaxing. 1.00

00:47:11.000 Yeah, ostriches are creepy as fuck, man. 1.00

00:47:13.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:47:13.000 All birds are creepy as fuck. 1.00

00:47:15.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:47:15.000 You know, I've been joking around about it in my act a little bit about the mass bird deaths that happened, about how birds are really dinosaurs that survived. 0.99

00:47:23.000 But they really are.

00:47:24.000 I mean, that's the closest relative to the dinosaur is the bird. 1.00

00:47:28.000 And an ostrich is a fucking dinosaur. 0.99

00:47:30.000 It's a big-ass, weird-looking dinosaur. 1.00

00:47:32.000 Yeah.

00:47:33.000 It tastes delicious.

00:47:35.000 You ever get the ostrich burger?

00:47:36.000 Fuddruckers? 0.67

00:47:37.000 Yes.

00:47:38.000 Strong, right?

00:47:39.000 Buy me a Coke.

00:47:40.000 Yeah, I'll buy you a Coke.

00:47:41.000 You gotta have it rare, though. 1.00

00:47:42.000 Don't be a pussy. 1.00

00:47:43.000 You don't have to worry about mad cow with those bitches. 1.00

00:47:46.000 Just get that shit rare. 1.00

00:47:47.000 Fire that fucker up. 1.00

00:47:49.000 Feel that rare ostrich meat? 1.00

00:47:53.000 So delicious, man.

00:47:54.000 Yeah.

00:47:55.000 It's good stuff.

00:47:55.000 Would you go camping here in LA? Tent camping?

00:47:58.000 Shit. 1.00

00:47:59.000 I'm going to go camping where I can drive home. 0.99

00:48:01.000 The only time I go camping is if I'm too far away to drive home, and if I have guns on me.

00:48:05.000 I'm going hunting with Ricky Schroeder.

00:48:07.000 Are you really?

00:48:07.000 Yeah, we're going.

00:48:08.000 We're going to this ranch where you can shoot boar, and they even have bison at this ranch.

00:48:14.000 And it's like you pay them for whatever you shoot, and then you go out onto there.

00:48:18.000 They have this giant hunk of property out near Riverside.

00:48:21.000 Out near San Diego, that way.

00:48:24.000 So I'm going.

00:48:25.000 Oh, that's cool, man.

00:48:25.000 Yeah.

00:48:26.000 I've been wanting to go for a while.

00:48:27.000 I'm supposed to go hunting in October with Randy Couture.

00:48:30.000 With the natural Randy Couture.

00:48:32.000 We're going for a TV show.

00:48:33.000 So before that, I'm going to get some in with Ricky.

00:48:36.000 That guy loves hunting, man.

00:48:38.000 When I talked to him about it, his eyes lit up and everything.

00:48:40.000 He wants to come back on the podcast.

00:48:42.000 I was going to say, Ricky to me was one of my favorites.

00:48:45.000 He's got some great stories.

00:48:46.000 My favorites were always the out of nowhere people, like the Ricky Schroeder, or even Kevin Pereira I think was one of my favorite ones of all time.

00:48:53.000 Kevin was awesome.

00:48:54.000 Ricky's got some interesting stuff going on right now too, man.

00:48:56.000 He just got some serious skin cancer removed from his face.

00:48:59.000 Are you serious?

00:48:59.000 Yeah.

00:49:00.000 People walking around outside without sunscreen, man, be fucking careful. 0.98

00:49:04.000 If you see some little mark on you, man, People die from weird skin little things when you're out there getting burnt and you don't think it's a big deal. 1.00

00:49:11.000 And then you get melanoma.

00:49:12.000 He had a big chunk of his face removed, man. 1.00

00:49:14.000 Fuck. 1.00

00:49:15.000 He's got a big scar right on his temple. 1.00

00:49:16.000 Do you get checked a lot?

00:49:17.000 Yeah.

00:49:18.000 Well, I'm not at risk because I'm fairly dark skinned. 0.99

00:49:21.000 I get tanned pretty easily, but I don't fuck around the sun, man. 0.99

00:49:24.000 But Rick is pale. 1.00

00:49:26.000 He's white like paper. 1.00

00:49:28.000 You gotta be careful as fuck. 1.00

00:49:30.000 And he's always out in the sun. 0.99

00:49:31.000 He's like Mr. Outdoorsy.

00:49:33.000 He's got this giant piece of property, and he's got property in Colorado.

00:49:37.000 Ricky Schroeder's an interesting guy, man.

00:49:39.000 He's a super outdoorsman character. 0.96

00:49:41.000 He's always out there chopping wood and shit and getting things done. 0.99

00:49:44.000 He wishes he lives on a farm or something like that. 0.98

00:49:47.000 I think growing up poor, or rather growing up super rich, Growing up rich and famous from the time, as early as he can remember, he was a celebrity and he was rich. 0.94

00:49:56.000 So he's always had so much fucking money that I think he likes driving around pickup trucks. 0.96

00:50:00.000 He likes doing manual labor and shit like that. 0.99

00:50:03.000 But when you do that, you've got to put your sunscreen on, homie. 1.00

00:50:06.000 Yeah. 0.98

00:50:07.000 Especially California, out here, this fucking heat, the sun constantly beating down on you. 0.99

00:50:11.000 People get cancer. 0.99

00:50:12.000 You gotta be careful.

00:50:13.000 I have a bunch of moles. 1.00

00:50:14.000 I'm a very moldy motherfucker. 0.99

00:50:15.000 But my mom's had a few cut out. 1.00

00:50:17.000 Really?

00:50:18.000 Yeah, so I recently went, because there's this one that I have on my back that always is like crunchy.

00:50:24.000 That's not good.

00:50:27.000 Yeah, it's not good.

00:50:27.000 It's not crunchy.

00:50:28.000 It just feels, like, different than all the other ones, you know?

00:50:31.000 And sometimes, you know... 0.95

00:50:32.000 Imagine if that was your problem, and they pull that out, and all of a sudden, boy, you get think clear, and fucking start going to the gym. 0.99

00:50:38.000 That mold was like a little vampire just sucking the life out of you. 0.99

00:50:42.000 So I went there, and she's like, no, that's fine.

00:50:44.000 It's normal.

00:50:44.000 And I'm like, really?

00:50:45.000 Why is it...

00:50:46.000 No, that's just the kind it is, or whatever.

00:50:48.000 And then she showed me pictures, like, if it ever looks like this, come back.

00:50:53.000 It's Annie Oakley-style, look at your back with a mirror?

00:50:55.000 Yeah, exactly. 0.99

00:50:56.000 What the fuck's that about? 0.96

00:50:57.000 What is it supposed to look like when it's bad? 0.99

00:50:59.000 It's like red around it.

00:51:01.000 It looks kind of like...

00:51:03.000 When she showed me, I was like, oh yeah, yeah, that looks bad.

00:51:06.000 Not this little mole that's a little flaky or whatever.

00:51:10.000 Yeah, when are they going to fix that?

00:51:12.000 Moles can kill you?

00:51:13.000 Keep a good eye on your mole because it might be a bomb?

00:51:16.000 How are you supposed to see that?

00:51:18.000 Especially if you get it in a weird place. 1.00

00:51:19.000 What if you died of a mole that was right near your asshole? 1.00

00:51:22.000 Who looks at their asshole? 1.00

00:51:24.000 I only look at assholes in hotel rooms. 1.00

00:51:27.000 Well, a girl's asshole. 1.00

00:51:28.000 You look at a girl's asshole if you're banging her from behind, but do you look at your own in a hotel room? 1.00

00:51:31.000 Yeah, because that's the only time where there's good lighting and good mirrors. 1.00

00:51:34.000 I'll sit on the counter and just fucking spread open and go, oh, look at my butthole. 1.00

00:51:38.000 Really? 0.99

00:51:39.000 Once in a while you should check it out just to look at it. 0.99

00:51:41.000 I mean, when was the last time you looked at your butthole? 0.99

00:51:43.000 It's been a long time. 0.99

00:51:43.000 Exactly. 0.99

00:51:44.000 What if you opened it up and there was this big purple thing in it?

00:51:46.000 I wait for signals from it.

00:51:48.000 If it's sending me signals saying something wrong, constant itching, weird noises, then I'll go check it out. 1.00

00:51:53.000 Fucking itchy asshole. 1.00

00:51:54.000 Have you ever had an itchy asshole? 1.00

00:51:55.000 For like a couple days, it was just non-stop. 1.00

00:51:57.000 It's a Louis C.K. bit.

00:51:58.000 It's also a Dane Cook bit.

00:51:59.000 That's weird.

00:52:00.000 How did Dane Cook and Louis C.K. get up with this thing again?

00:52:03.000 It's a very common joke.

00:52:03.000 That does happen.

00:52:05.000 We've all had itchy assholes. 1.00

00:52:07.000 I was thinking about itchy assholes and I was like, oh yeah, that's right. 0.99

00:52:09.000 There's like 3,000 jokes about itchy assholes. 0.99

00:52:11.000 Yeah, there's quite a few. 0.98

00:52:13.000 I mean, the issue with Dane and Louie, obviously, was that Louie had done it first, but...

00:52:19.000 Yeah.

00:52:21.000 Butthole jokes are quite common.

00:52:23.000 Yeah.

00:52:24.000 If you think about a subject and it's an obvious subject for a joke, chances are someone's already done 100 jokes on it, you know?

00:52:33.000 You know when I looked up the other day?

00:52:34.000 You know, I'm writing this chapter in my book. 0.89

00:52:38.000 with porn.

00:52:39.000 And so I was talking about the moment that I realized that the internet was taking porn to a whole new level was the moment, I forget who it was, it might have been Duncan, sent me an email and the email heading said "Home Run" and then I opened up the email and it just said "I love people" in all capital letters and a link. 0.99

00:52:57.000 So I clicked the link and it opens up, it's Belladonna on all fours with a baseball bat stuffed in her asshole. 1.00

00:53:03.000 I mean, it's stuffed in there. 0.99

00:53:06.000 Fat and first, which I didn't even think was possible. 1.00

00:53:08.000 And I remember double facepalming like the Home Alone kid and going, this bitch is just taking shit to another level. 1.00

00:53:15.000 She stuffed the baseball. 1.00

00:53:16.000 And then I thought about it.

00:53:17.000 Or is she taking it to another level?

00:53:19.000 And I went and did a Google search. 0.99

00:53:22.000 And there's 2,800,000 hits for baseball bat in the ass. 0.99

00:53:27.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:53:28.000 It's normal. 1.00

00:53:31.000 It's normal shit. 1.00

00:53:32.000 When she did that, she used to tweet about that where she was stretching it out for a whole week. 1.00

00:53:38.000 Like, I got a big anal scene. 1.00

00:53:40.000 So she had all these butt plugs and she just spent the week getting ready for doing shit like that. 1.00

00:53:45.000 Ugh. 1.00

00:53:46.000 She doesn't do porn anymore, I heard. 1.00

00:53:48.000 I heard she retired.

00:53:49.000 Well, she had that really sad interview.

00:53:52.000 I don't remember what it was for, whether it was Nightline or one of those shows, but they made her feel bad about it.

00:54:00.000 And they asked her, what happened to you? 0.73

00:54:02.000 How did you become this porn star? 0.99

00:54:04.000 And they kind of go over her past and shit like that. 0.99

00:54:07.000 And then at the end, she was like, you know, I'm done. 0.93

00:54:09.000 I'm not doing this anymore.

00:54:10.000 And then they found out afterwards that she had done some more movies after she said that.

00:54:14.000 It was weird.

00:54:15.000 It was like, you know, you kind of wanted to root for her to get out of it.

00:54:18.000 And then she's still in it. 1.00

00:54:19.000 And it's like, you know, fucking... 0.99

00:54:22.000 Not everybody can be a ballet instructor, okay? 1.00

00:54:25.000 Some people are going to be porn stars. 0.99

00:54:27.000 And by the time they're that age where they're going to be porn stars, man, the least of their problems is fucking on film. 1.00

00:54:34.000 That's the least of their problems is that baseball bat in their ass. 1.00

00:54:36.000 That's the least of their problems. 1.00

00:54:37.000 The big problem is... 1.00

00:54:39.000 What have you become that you're letting someone put a baseball bat in your ass? 1.00

00:54:43.000 What has happened to you to get you to this point? 1.00

00:54:45.000 It's not the bat itself.

00:54:46.000 That's not the real issue.

00:54:47.000 It's who are you? 1.00

00:54:49.000 What kind of a strange person are you that you've got your asshole up in the air and there's a giant log in it, a big fucking bat. 1.00

00:54:57.000 And then there's 2,800,000 hits of that. 1.00

00:55:01.000 But then you also think about if that only is bad if you think it is bad. 0.99

00:55:07.000 I don't think that's good for anybody's asshole. 1.00

00:55:09.000 If it's like, hey, I could put a baseball in my ass, that equals $20,000. 1.00

00:55:15.000 Do you think they get paid that much? 1.00

00:55:17.000 Because I don't think they do.

00:55:18.000 No, I don't think they do.

00:55:19.000 I think it's a couple grand if they're lucky.

00:55:21.000 And I think that might have been during the heyday.

00:55:23.000 You know, I think nowadays, I don't, you know, those girls were getting like half a million dollar vivid deals. 1.00

00:55:28.000 You remember?

00:55:28.000 I remember hanging out with Jenna Jamison's husband and he was a producer and he was giving me the whole skinny on how much money there is in the porn industry.

00:55:36.000 And this dude, you know, he had all the numbers and I was like, that is incredible.

00:55:39.000 Like there was so much money.

00:55:40.000 And then the internet came along.

00:55:42.000 The internet just robbed them all.

00:55:44.000 Yeah.

00:55:45.000 Sucked it all away. 1.00

00:55:46.000 And now, I mean, how the fuck do you make money now doing porn? 0.99

00:55:49.000 Well, I think there's definitely still money there. 0.97

00:55:52.000 It's more of you just have to do more.

00:55:54.000 Like, I know a lot of these girls, they'll do like, you know, like a spanking video and make $500. 1.00

00:55:58.000 Then they'll, you know, do another video later that day where it's just them masturbating and they get $1,000, you know? 0.82

00:56:04.000 So it's like, then you think of it that way.

00:56:05.000 It's like, all right, you just made $2,000 today.

00:56:07.000 And is it for a website?

00:56:08.000 Is that what it's called?

00:56:09.000 Yeah, most of these are websites, you know, fetish websites or, you know, exchanging content.

00:56:13.000 I think that the weirdest thing about knowing all these porn stars, I think the saddest thing, is not even what, how they got into it or that they do it, because I don't have a problem with it, is that their future, because a lot of them don't have an idea.

00:56:25.000 Yeah.

00:56:25.000 Once that, they're not wanting.

00:56:27.000 They're like athletes.

00:56:27.000 Yeah.

00:56:28.000 They're like fighters.

00:56:29.000 I mean, is that where you go to, you know, like a truck stopper, is that really older woman, then you're just like, wow, she used to be a, you know, playboy bunny.

00:56:36.000 Yeah.

00:56:36.000 Well, you know, look, this avenue, this internet avenue, has opened up the door to the point where there's way, way, way more porn stars than there ever were back in the day.

00:56:46.000 And porn is so much more available.

00:56:48.000 When I was a kid, the way you got porn was magazines.

00:56:51.000 When I was a kid, VHSs came out while I was in high school.

00:56:55.000 I remember we got one.

00:56:56.000 It was like a big deal at our house.

00:56:58.000 And my dad had a couple, my stepfather had a couple...

00:57:01.000 Porn's laying around the house, too. 0.69

00:57:02.000 And I got to watch those, too. 0.97

00:57:03.000 And I was like, what the hell is this?

00:57:05.000 You know, to go from, like, it never existed or every now and then you saw a magazine.

00:57:09.000 And the weird thing about those magazines were they had rules.

00:57:13.000 So you'd buy a porn magazine, but there was rules.

00:57:15.000 And one of the rules was the man couldn't have a hard-on.

00:57:18.000 Yeah.

00:57:19.000 They still have those rules.

00:57:20.000 Really?

00:57:20.000 Yeah, like where they can't show insertion in certain magazines.

00:57:24.000 But some magazines they can.

00:57:25.000 Yeah.

00:57:26.000 But back then it was all magazines.

00:57:27.000 Back then there was no magazines that showed hard-ons.

00:57:30.000 And I think, I mean, none that you could find.

00:57:32.000 And it was like, you know, you'd ask the guy at the counter if you were bold, you know, at the bookstore, but you didn't really want to ask him. 0.99

00:57:38.000 Like, hey, how come nobody's dick's hard? 0.99

00:57:40.000 What's going on here? 0.99

00:57:41.000 You know, you don't really bring it up to him.

00:57:42.000 But there was always like these weird poses where...

00:57:46.000 They would be in, like, not just one, but, like, 20 different poses, and in each one of them, the girl's, like, moaning like she's an exe, and the dude doesn't have a hard-on.

00:57:55.000 Right.

00:57:55.000 Like, in every one of them, it's like, what is the message that they're trying to send you?

00:57:59.000 You know, what is the message that they're trying to send you?

00:58:02.000 Is it that... 0.99

00:58:03.000 This is just how the universe works and that women that are way hotter than you could ever possibly imagine will always wind up with gay guys and you're going to be alone by yourself jerking off onto pictures of them. 1.00

00:58:13.000 Is that what it is? 0.99

00:58:14.000 What is the message?

00:58:15.000 Why can't they have hard-ons?

00:58:17.000 They're naked and they're there. 0.50

00:58:18.000 And then the surreality of it all comes into play because you see all these 20 different scenes. 0.99

00:58:23.000 You're like, this bitch is not giving up. 1.00

00:58:25.000 In every scene, she's super enthusiastic. 0.99

00:58:28.000 She seems non-judgmental.

00:58:30.000 This guy can't get it up.

00:58:31.000 And she's doing everything for him.

00:58:32.000 She's posing. 0.99

00:58:33.000 She's got her ass up in the air. 1.00

00:58:35.000 She's lying on her back with her leg spread, sucking on her fingers. 1.00

00:58:38.000 She's letting him pick her up. 1.00

00:58:40.000 And he's holding her by the ass. 1.00

00:58:41.000 And his dick's still limp. 1.00

00:58:43.000 It's still limp. 1.00

00:58:43.000 And this bitch is just there for him the whole way. 1.00

00:58:47.000 Eventually, he's going to get a hard-on. 1.00

00:58:49.000 I know it.

00:58:50.000 I just keep posing for him.

00:58:52.000 And so she's in all these weird poses and never loses interest.

00:58:56.000 Never has the, you know, it should be like at least the 18th or 19th pose. 0.99

00:58:59.000 She should be like, what the fuck? 0.99

00:59:00.000 Like, what's going on? 1.00

00:59:01.000 Like, why do you have my legs spread and, you know, you're laying your limp dick on my pelvis. 1.00

00:59:06.000 Right. 1.00

00:59:06.000 You know, like a drowning victim just pulled ashore. 1.00

00:59:10.000 You know, it's like slop.

00:59:12.000 I mean, that's what it's like. 1.00

00:59:13.000 He's got his limp dick and he's laying it on her pelvis. 1.00

00:59:15.000 Like, who's that for? 1.00

00:59:17.000 Like, who doesn't want hard dicks? 1.00

00:59:20.000 Right. 0.98

00:59:20.000 Like, who was there that was like, this is where we draw the line. 0.98

00:59:24.000 You want to get all naked and crazy and pretend you're fucking? 1.00

00:59:27.000 So if you had to look at a dick, it was either hard or limp. 1.00

00:59:29.000 You would pick hard all the time. 1.00

00:59:32.000 If I had to look at a dick, it depends. 1.00

00:59:34.000 If I'm beating off... 1.00

00:59:36.000 The last thing you want to do is be beating off to a dude with a limp dick. 1.00

00:59:41.000 So you would rather have hard dicks? 1.00

00:59:43.000 Yeah, because you can't even imagine that that would feel good. 0.99

00:59:45.000 You'd feel like the guy would be embarrassed, and it feels pointless, and she doesn't feel good because he's not even excited. 0.91

00:59:52.000 So there's a lot of weird shit going on there. 0.99

00:59:54.000 At least if the guy has an erection while he's feeling good, it feels good, and at least she's happy that she can give him an erection. 1.00

00:59:59.000 It's a much more positive experience. 1.00

01:00:01.000 Is it hotter for you if the dick is black or white? 1.00

01:00:04.000 I can't really relate to black dicks. 1.00

01:00:06.000 See, I always like black dicks. 1.00

01:00:07.000 But I can relate to a black dick if it's big, but then a little tiny micro white dick. 1.00

01:00:11.000 Yeah, I'd rather have hard black dick fucking a girl because for some reason to me that's knotier or something like that. 1.00

01:00:18.000 That's knotier, really? 1.00

01:00:18.000 I'm like, yeah, you take that big black dick, you know? 1.00

01:00:20.000 Really? 1.00

01:00:20.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:00:21.000 Really?

01:00:21.000 So you find yourself saying that as you're doing the stroking motion?

01:00:23.000 I whisper it. 1.00

01:00:25.000 Take it, big black dick. 1.00

01:00:27.000 Take it. 1.00

01:00:29.000 For real?

01:00:30.000 It makes it more naughty to you? 1.00

01:00:31.000 Yeah, it just seems like you're getting fucked for realsies. 1.00

01:00:34.000 I remember some girl... 1.00

01:00:35.000 For realsies?

01:00:37.000 Some girl came to the comedy store one night and she gave us the rules of being a porn star. 0.99

01:00:43.000 I think she was with Ron Jeremy. 1.00

01:00:45.000 And she was like, you know, rule number one is don't fuck black guys until they pay you. 1.00

01:00:49.000 You can't do it right away. 1.00

01:00:51.000 Don't fuck them until they pay you. 1.00

01:00:52.000 Rule number two is no anal for a long time. 1.00

01:00:55.000 You've got to keep it to yourself. 0.99

01:00:57.000 I'm like, you have strategies on what you hold back when you do porn?

01:01:00.000 Oh yeah, honey, it's a business.

01:01:02.000 Oh yeah, honey.

01:01:03.000 It's a business.

01:01:04.000 Wow.

01:01:05.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:01:05.000 They strategize when to give up for the black dick. 1.00

01:01:08.000 You can't just right away start fucking black guys. 1.00

01:01:10.000 Hey, hey, hey, hey. 1.00

01:01:12.000 Settle into that a little.

01:01:13.000 Like some girls. 1.00

01:01:14.000 Like Jenna Jameson never fucked a black guy. 1.00

01:01:16.000 Well, that's a big thing in porn. 1.00

01:01:17.000 Once you go black, you're actually considered different than if you did. 0.98

01:01:21.000 It's like a weird porn. 0.99

01:01:22.000 So why do any girls do black guys just for their career? 1.00

01:01:25.000 Why do they do that?

01:01:28.000 Maybe...

01:01:28.000 I don't know.

01:01:29.000 They're just easy.

01:01:30.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:01:31.000 They just want to fuck black guys, I guess. 1.00

01:01:33.000 Yeah, maybe. 1.00

01:01:34.000 Maybe they don't care.

01:01:34.000 Maybe they're there for equal rights.

01:01:36.000 I guess, but a lot of the porn buyers are Southern and stuff like that, and once you fuck a black guy, I don't want that stupid slut. 1.00

01:01:42.000 Please. 1.00

01:01:42.000 There's a disproportionate amount of all interracial porn sold in the Deep South. 1.00

01:01:46.000 Is that it? 0.98

01:01:47.000 Yeah.

01:01:47.000 I used to do a whole joke about that.

01:01:48.000 Oh, that's right.

01:01:49.000 Yeah.

01:01:49.000 It's a true story.

01:01:50.000 It's a true statistic.

01:01:51.000 Yeah.

01:01:52.000 A disproportionate amount. 0.97

01:01:53.000 And it's not black guys buying that stuff. 1.00

01:01:55.000 It's scared white guys gonna look at that nigga fucking that white woman. 1.00

01:01:59.000 Oh man, I can't believe what he's doing right there. 1.00

01:02:02.000 Oh yeah.

01:02:04.000 Stop looking me in the eyes.

01:02:05.000 Stop. 1.00

01:02:06.000 Dirty bitch. 1.00

01:02:10.000 Yeah, I think that whole black-white thing eventually is going to go away. 1.00

01:02:15.000 I think we're all going to be like one strange shade of gray, you know, one mocha, one something.

01:02:20.000 Mexican.

01:02:20.000 We're all going to be Mexican.

01:02:21.000 We're all going to be Mexican.

01:02:22.000 The black-white thing can't last.

01:02:26.000 It only lasted back when people couldn't move to other places.

01:02:29.000 When you were stuck in China and everybody else was in China, well, you fed off the same gene pool and you produced Chinese people. 0.99

01:02:35.000 You know, but once the Africans got to, you know, the Northern Africa and Egypt, and things started getting weird, and they took over, you know, Cairo, and then they move into other places, and then the Moors, you know, hit Sicily, and then all these, you know, fucking the Spaniards come over on boats and fuck the American Indians, and then eventually, eventually, we're going to be a world culture. 0.95

01:02:53.000 I just don't see how you can keep people from interbreeding for the next millennia. 0.97

01:02:58.000 I just don't see it happening.

01:02:59.000 I think in the next thousand years, we're all going to be one shade, you know? 0.74

01:03:03.000 They think that's what happened with Neanderthals.

01:03:05.000 You know, Neanderthals got assimilated into the population. 0.99

01:03:08.000 They used to think they went extinct, but now they think they sort of went extinct because women wouldn't fuck them. 1.00

01:03:14.000 But men would fuck the women. 1.00

01:03:16.000 Men, human men, would fuck Neanderthal women and make babies with them. 1.00

01:03:21.000 But Neanderthal men were like, what the fuck? 1.00

01:03:23.000 Nothing? 1.00

01:03:24.000 And they just got on the outs.

01:03:27.000 That would be weird.

01:03:28.000 What would that one final specie look like?

01:03:30.000 Yeah.

01:03:30.000 Maybe that's the end of the world once you make Jesus.

01:03:33.000 Well, it's probably going to look like aliens.

01:03:35.000 Yeah.

01:03:35.000 I mean, you look at the gray alien, the model alien, this big head and sexless body and no muscle tone.

01:03:44.000 Yeah.

01:03:45.000 That's probably the next stage.

01:03:48.000 I mean, if you look at monkeys and then you look at us, what is the difference?

01:03:51.000 Well, the monkeys have smaller heads.

01:03:55.000 Our heads are bigger.

01:03:55.000 Our muscles aren't as big.

01:03:57.000 We're softer.

01:03:58.000 We last longer.

01:03:59.000 We have nutrition and information and all that stuff.

01:04:03.000 Physically, we're far weaker than the chimps.

01:04:07.000 They're going to be more weak than us with bigger heads. 0.80

01:04:09.000 Their heads are going to be bigger.

01:04:10.000 They're going to be more smooth and less muscular and sinewy because they're not going to need that.

01:04:17.000 They're never going to be in combat.

01:04:18.000 They're never going to be fighting for their life against other bodies and trying to take down animals to eat them. 1.00

01:04:22.000 They're moved way, way, way, way past that shit. 0.87

01:04:25.000 That's, I mean, the human-alien connection, you know, for a lot of people, they believe that what their alien image represents, whether it's real or imagined, what it represents is humans from the future. 0.98

01:04:38.000 And that the eventual metamorphosis of the human animal, the morphing, the evolving, will ultimately lead to something like that.

01:04:46.000 We look at inherently all our issues.

01:04:49.000 Well, first of all, we have sexual issues.

01:04:51.000 We have emotional issues.

01:04:53.000 We have, you know, anger issues.

01:04:55.000 We have all these things. 0.99

01:04:56.000 Well, all the depictions of the aliens, they've gone completely past all that shit. 0.99

01:05:01.000 You eliminate all your sexual issues if you can reproduce, you know, outside of a male-female environment. 0.99

01:05:09.000 If you're able to reproduce completely in laboratories or in, you know, petri dishes or whatever the fuck they're doing. 0.92

01:05:16.000 You know, if you're...

01:05:16.000 If the human animal moves past reproduction in a natural way, I mean, that might be...

01:05:22.000 What if they found out that babies were 100% smarter and they lived twice as long and they were five times more resistant to diseases if you raised them in a test tube, if everybody raised them outside of the womb in some new machine that someone created?

01:05:37.000 Well, every woman would want that. 1.00

01:05:38.000 Why would you want your kid to be stupid? 1.00

01:05:39.000 Because you want to carry it around inside you, you selfish cunt. 1.00

01:05:42.000 Put the baby in the machine. 1.00

01:05:43.000 Right.

01:05:44.000 You know, and so that's what they would do.

01:05:45.000 And that's inevitable.

01:05:46.000 They're going to eventually come up with something like that.

01:05:49.000 The human body can only do so much.

01:05:51.000 You know, the human body, they're already figuring out artificial parts.

01:05:54.000 They already devised artificial hearts.

01:05:56.000 They've come up with artificial leaves that make photosynthesis.

01:05:59.000 They're going to have artificial wounds. 1.00

01:06:01.000 Artificial electricity, you know?

01:06:02.000 Yeah.

01:06:02.000 From those artificial trees.

01:06:04.000 Yeah.

01:06:04.000 So we're going to be able to make electricity.

01:06:06.000 Yeah.

01:06:06.000 Yeah, we're going to be able to make electricity.

01:06:08.000 The solar power...

01:06:09.000 There's another thing that I got from Transcendent, man.

01:06:11.000 The Ray Kurzweil documentary that I watched. 1.00

01:06:14.000 Fucking awesome shit, man. 1.00

01:06:15.000 But he talks about the upcoming advances in solar power. 1.00

01:06:18.000 Solar power is going to be the shit, man. 0.99

01:06:19.000 It's going to be driving cars, man. 0.99

01:06:21.000 They're going to have solar-powered cars in the next 20, 30 years.

01:06:24.000 It's all...

01:06:25.000 All eventually is moving us towards the aliens, man.

01:06:29.000 I mean, they really might be the ideas of...

01:06:32.000 I don't believe...

01:06:34.000 I don't believe they exist or that they don't exist.

01:06:36.000 I don't believe that, you know, people are really seeing flying saucers, and I don't believe that everything that people see is a government spacecraft.

01:06:43.000 It's very possible that it could be something from another dimension or something from another world or something from some even hokey, ridiculous, cliche description from like a 1950s sci-fi movie.

01:06:54.000 I'm not discounting the possibility of that, but I've looked at all these different people, all their stories and all their...

01:07:00.000 It doesn't jive, man.

01:07:02.000 It doesn't jive to me. 0.99

01:07:03.000 I have a An awesome bullshit detector. 0.88

01:07:05.000 I'm currently reading this John Mack book. 0.99

01:07:07.000 John Mack was actually a professor at Harvard who started doing past life hypnotic regression shit with people.

01:07:18.000 Hypnotic regression, not past life, but in their past, like abduction stuff.

01:07:23.000 Because he was dealing with all these different people that had very, very similar experiences where they were abducted, you know, repeatedly over many times in their life.

01:07:34.000 But I'm looking at the work and I'm reading his stuff and I'm like, God, this is so embarrassing.

01:07:40.000 It's like squirrely work.

01:07:41.000 It's like this guy has he's gone.

01:07:43.000 He's made a conclusion in his mind already.

01:07:46.000 And what he's doing in his work is not like he's not exploring all the possibilities.

01:07:52.000 He's kind of like pushing towards this conclusion. 0.87

01:07:55.000 And the latest one that I'm reading is like, it's so sloppy because he's telling all these stories about all these people and all the, you know, they're, I want to know a lot of other shit about these people.

01:08:18.000 I want to know about what their experience was like, you know, first when I was eight. 0.74

01:08:22.000 I was alone in a cabin.

01:08:23.000 I knew something was there with me.

01:08:24.000 I saw the dark eyes in the corner of the room.

01:08:26.000 Really?

01:08:26.000 Were you on lithium?

01:08:28.000 Were you crazy? 1.00

01:08:29.000 Are you crazy at all? 1.00

01:08:30.000 Is anyone else in your family crazy? 1.00

01:08:31.000 Because there's a lot of crazy motherfuckers out there, and they tell some crazy stories. 1.00

01:08:35.000 And all you need to know about this whole UFO abduction experience, the one most important point, is that it all happens at night. 1.00

01:08:45.000 Well, when the fuck are you dreaming? 0.99

01:08:47.000 When the fuck do you have the most realistic, bizarre dreams? 1.00

01:08:52.000 The other night I had some crazy fucking dream. 1.00

01:08:54.000 I was on a dragon. 0.99

01:08:56.000 I was reading from these scrolls that the words would light up on fire as you read them so you could only read it once.

01:09:02.000 I mean, this is bizarre.

01:09:04.000 Yeah, it's a cool-ass dream. 0.99

01:09:05.000 But it was a fucking dream, alright? 0.99

01:09:07.000 It was really obvious to me when I woke up. 1.00

01:09:09.000 Like, wow, what a crazy-ass dream. 0.85

01:09:11.000 Well, what is a dream? 0.92

01:09:13.000 What a dream is, is your mind reaches a certain state in REM sleep, where rapid eye movement takes place, and all sorts of crazy chemicals, psychedelic chemicals, start being produced by your body. 0.51

01:09:24.000 And they all pass the blood-brain barrier, and you have all these nutty fucking experiences, and you and your cousin Mikey, and you're on sleds, and you're running from Godzilla.

01:09:33.000 Like, what is that? 0.97

01:09:34.000 Is that real sleds?

01:09:35.000 Should we investigate whether there's sleds in space, whether Godzilla's real?

01:09:39.000 No!

01:09:40.000 No, you should say, when did this happen?

01:09:42.000 Oh, I was sleeping.

01:09:43.000 Oh, you were dreaming, right?

01:09:45.000 Yeah, probably.

01:09:46.000 When were you abducted by aliens?

01:09:48.000 Well, I was in bed.

01:09:49.000 Do you think you were dreaming?

01:09:51.000 No, it was so real.

01:09:53.000 Oh, okay.

01:09:54.000 Let's write a book on how real it was.

01:09:56.000 And you gotta say, no, it was so real.

01:09:59.000 Well, a lot of them, the interviews that they do with them are so telling.

01:10:03.000 They're really fascinating. 0.99

01:10:04.000 And not necessarily that the people are stupid. 0.99

01:10:06.000 And it's not even necessarily that they're lying. 1.00

01:10:10.000 Because a lot of them, I don't think, are lying. 1.00

01:10:12.000 I think what a lot of them are is, first of all, people live some boring ass fucking shitty lives. 1.00

01:10:18.000 They're boring as fuck. 0.99

01:10:20.000 And if something happens and all of a sudden that something gives your life meaning, like, oh my god, instead of it being some sleep paralysis thing where your brain has this endogenous dump of psychedelic chemicals that are natural in the brain anyway, instead of that being the case, like, no, no, no, I have been visited and I have information that I have to give to the people of the world. 0.99

01:10:42.000 Well, you know, if you have a natural psychedelic experience or if you have A real psychedelic experience where you take a drug and you're planning it out.

01:10:49.000 Either one is going to give you a very similar experience.

01:10:52.000 And that experience is, what you're doing is totally wrong. 1.00

01:10:55.000 Everybody's fucked up. 1.00

01:10:56.000 You need to get your shit together. 1.00

01:10:57.000 How about an analysis of yourself, an analysis of life on the planet, and let's look at this other than the way we're looking at it right now because this obviously isn't working. 1.00

01:11:04.000 That's the theme to every mushroom trip, the theme to every acid trip, the theme to every Time you eat a pot brownie.

01:11:10.000 You want to reconstruct the whole thing and put it back together again in a way that's rational and that makes sense. 0.99

01:11:15.000 And this experience these people are having when the aliens are telling them, well, we need to get your shit together. 0.98

01:11:22.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. 0.99

01:11:23.000 You're high, dude.

01:11:24.000 You're high.

01:11:24.000 You're tripping.

01:11:25.000 You're seeing things in the closet.

01:11:27.000 It's that simple.

01:11:27.000 There's no evidence, man.

01:11:29.000 All these people that are talking, oh, I got a nick on my shin.

01:11:31.000 Look, this is where they pulled out the implant.

01:11:33.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:11:33.000 Get the fuck out of here, crazy. 1.00

01:11:35.000 You really think that aliens are going to leave little scars on you? 1.00

01:11:38.000 You pinched yourself, you crazy fuck. 1.00

01:11:40.000 You pinched yourself and made your own scar, you nutty bitch. 1.00

01:11:43.000 Not to mention that there's so much technology now that people probably do kind of like pranky shit. 1.00

01:11:49.000 I got these helicopters that look like remote control helicopters and stuff like that. 0.97

01:11:56.000 Well, there's also government stuff.

01:11:58.000 That guy in Philadelphia the other day, thank you whoever you are, some guy came to the show and handed the manager a book, and the book got to me, and it's all patents on aircrafts that the government has, like U.S. patents.

01:12:13.000 Oh.

01:12:13.000 Oh, cool.

01:12:13.000 For experimental aircrafts.

01:12:15.000 Oh, very cool. 0.99

01:12:15.000 It's fucking nuts, man. 0.99

01:12:17.000 There's this crazy-looking, Klingon-looking ships and UFO-looking things. 0.99

01:12:21.000 What's the book called?

01:12:22.000 That sounds nice.

01:12:23.000 It's not a book.

01:12:24.000 Oh, he just gave you.

01:12:24.000 He put it together.

01:12:25.000 Yeah, he put it together.

01:12:26.000 It was pretty dope.

01:12:27.000 That's pretty sweet.

01:12:27.000 Yeah.

01:12:28.000 And so, you know, I mean, you just look at the things that the government has and has admitted to designing and creating. 0.94

01:12:35.000 This is like a fucking giant amount of them, man. 0.80

01:12:38.000 When we were doing Fear Factor, we were out at Edwards Air Force Base, near Edwards Air Force Base. 0.98

01:12:42.000 I think it was Edwards.

01:12:43.000 It's out like near, we were in Palmdale, whatever the Air Force Base is out there.

01:12:48.000 It's a big one.

01:12:49.000 And I think it's Edwards.

01:12:51.000 And they were flying stealth bombers. 1.00

01:12:53.000 And dude, that is some crazy shit. 1.00

01:12:55.000 This was the beginning of the Iraq War. 0.99

01:12:57.000 It's like 2002. And they fly those things overhead, dude.

01:13:00.000 You swear to God, you're in Star Wars, man. 0.99

01:13:03.000 You swear to God, that is some shit from the Death Star. 1.00

01:13:06.000 When you watch that thing fly overhead, they don't make much noise, and they look like fucking alien spacecrafts. 1.00

01:13:11.000 It's dope. 0.98

01:13:12.000 You look at them like... 1.00

01:13:13.000 That is a fucking stealth bomber. 1.00

01:13:15.000 You can't see that thing with radar, man. 1.00

01:13:17.000 That's something designed to sneak up on you and fuck you from the sky. 1.00

01:13:21.000 And you can't even see it coming. 1.00

01:13:22.000 And it's black like the sky.

01:13:24.000 So you look up, you see just blackness, and it's black too? 1.00

01:13:27.000 You're fucked! 1.00

01:13:28.000 You're fucked! 1.00

01:13:30.000 Shit's badass. 1.00

01:13:31.000 Yeah, it's all designed for killing people. 0.99

01:13:34.000 Who do you want on the podcast in the future?

01:13:35.000 What is your dream, people, to get on?

01:13:37.000 I know, isn't Adam Carolla coming?

01:13:38.000 Yeah, Adam's coming next week.

01:13:40.000 He's going to be here on the 26th.

01:13:43.000 Adam Carolla will be there.

01:13:44.000 So what is that, seven days from today?

01:13:45.000 Yeah.

01:13:45.000 Something like that?

01:13:46.000 Yeah.

01:13:46.000 Yeah, Adam's going to be on.

01:13:48.000 You know what, man?

01:13:50.000 My dream has already been not just reached, but surpassed. 0.96

01:13:54.000 When we first started doing this, when you and I first started doing this in episode one, we were just fucking around, man.

01:13:59.000 We were just sitting in front of the computer and we just thought it'd be fun to have some little kind of silly show that we would do for people that were on the message board.

01:14:06.000 That's mostly what it was.

01:14:07.000 And people on Twitter.

01:14:09.000 But now it's become like a radio show.

01:14:12.000 Now it's become...

01:14:13.000 This way to tell people about shows that we never had before.

01:14:18.000 You know, it used to be you would go on a radio show and, you know, you would hope that some of the people listening were your fans or hope that you could say something funny enough to convince them. 0.94

01:14:26.000 You know, on the radio, it's in the morning, you're fucking half awake. 0.51

01:14:29.000 It's random people listening. 0.95

01:14:31.000 It's random people listening and who knows if you're even going to jive with the DJs.

01:14:35.000 Like, there's a radio station in Houston that apparently is still mad at me for being on their radio show back in...

01:14:42.000 Yeah, so it was like Fear Factor days, like 2002 or 2003. And they apparently still talk shit about me. 0.98

01:14:47.000 About what? 0.99

01:14:48.000 They had me on, and I remember they wanted me, and I was probably tired.

01:14:51.000 And if I came off rude, I didn't mean to.

01:14:53.000 But they wanted me to eat some stuff.

01:14:55.000 First of all, they wanted me to eat some big hamburger they had.

01:14:58.000 And I'm like, no, no thank you.

01:14:59.000 I kind of like, I watch what I eat.

01:15:01.000 And also, in the morning, I have hypothyroidism.

01:15:04.000 So I take a thyroid medication.

01:15:06.000 And when I take it, I can't eat anything for like an hour. 0.98

01:15:08.000 And so I was on this radio show, and they're trying to get me to eat this stupid thing that they made in an Easy Bake Oven. 0.98

01:15:13.000 Oh, I was there. 0.99

01:15:13.000 I actually filmed that. 0.99

01:15:14.000 Did you?

01:15:15.000 Yeah, those people are mad at me. 1.00

01:15:16.000 They still talk shit about me. 0.99

01:15:18.000 Like, I'm the worst person they've ever had on their show. 0.99

01:15:20.000 And I didn't even know they had an issue until I left, and apparently they were talking about me when I wasn't there.

01:15:25.000 When I was there, they were nice as pie to me.

01:15:27.000 But then when I left, they started talking like, the guy was so rude.

01:15:31.000 They had a gag, and I wasn't into their gag.

01:15:33.000 And I didn't go with it. 1.00

01:15:35.000 It was stupid shit. 1.00

01:15:36.000 It is stupid. 1.00

01:15:37.000 And you know what? 1.00

01:15:37.000 They're not comedians, man. 1.00

01:15:38.000 And maybe they're not on my vibe, not on my frequency.

01:15:42.000 They're on their own frequency.

01:15:43.000 And they thought it'd be fun.

01:15:44.000 They thought it'd be cool if I played along.

01:15:46.000 But I didn't want to eat their thing.

01:15:47.000 And they didn't adjust.

01:15:48.000 They didn't adjust. 0.99

01:15:49.000 So then I'm like, why the fuck am I doing this? 0.89

01:15:50.000 And then it's like, look, when you do radio stations, there's a lot of different kind of radio DJs. 0.96

01:15:55.000 Some of them are really cool and easy to do.

01:15:57.000 And easy to do their shows.

01:15:59.000 And other ones, they want more attention than you.

01:16:01.000 And they're a little squirrely.

01:16:02.000 And they don't like the fact that you're on TV and they're on the radio.

01:16:05.000 And they get to be cunty. 0.98

01:16:06.000 You know, they get to be weird.

01:16:07.000 And they're looking for something to be wrong with you. 1.00

01:16:09.000 So if you're coming from some fucking television show and you want to eat their stupid Easy Bake Oven thing, you become an asshole. 1.00

01:16:14.000 Instead of, if that was me, and I had a guest on, I'm like, come on, eat the Easy Bake Oven! 1.00

01:16:17.000 And he won't do it.

01:16:19.000 I'd be like, what? 1.00

01:16:20.000 What kind of an idiot am I? I'm getting this guy to eat something. 1.00

01:16:22.000 This is all I've planned for this fucking thing. 0.99

01:16:24.000 I could be asking him a million interesting questions. 0.99

01:16:26.000 We could be talking about all kinds of crazy stuff. 1.00

01:16:28.000 But instead, I'm pissed that he won't eat my fucking tuna casserole out of a fucking Easy-Bake oven. 0.99

01:16:33.000 So these people apparently are still upset at me. 0.99

01:16:35.000 Well, you used to have to deal with those kind of people in the past.

01:16:38.000 Now that doesn't mean anything anymore.

01:16:40.000 Every show that I do now, I do nothing for.

01:16:43.000 No press.

01:16:44.000 I mean, I did Preston and Steve.

01:16:46.000 I called up for Philly, but it was after the shows were already sold out.

01:16:49.000 But I did it because I like them, because they're cool guys.

01:16:51.000 But when we do these shows now, we have our own radio station.

01:16:54.000 We have our own ability to promote the shows.

01:16:57.000 And probably more listeners than ever compared to that radio station that hates you.

01:17:02.000 Yeah.

01:17:02.000 Well, that and it's all 100% your fans.

01:17:05.000 I hate that word.

01:17:07.000 All 100% people who appreciate your work.

01:17:09.000 So they already are enjoying what you do.

01:17:12.000 They already enjoy your podcast.

01:17:13.000 They're already there for you.

01:17:14.000 They like you.

01:17:15.000 And so they want to come to the shows.

01:17:17.000 As opposed to doing a radio show and trying to get people out there to listen and like you.

01:17:22.000 And that's why people like those people, these mediocre folks in Houston, that's why they have power. 0.83

01:17:29.000 Their only power was that they're the ones who get to talk on this radio show.

01:17:32.000 Meanwhile, they have no talent.

01:17:34.000 There's nothing going on there.

01:17:35.000 They're just talking people.

01:17:36.000 They're just dum-dums and then they play music. 0.99

01:17:40.000 They sort of hijack your attention span for a few minutes while you wait for the next cool song to start playing.

01:17:43.000 And they're just sitting there reading your Wikipedia page most of the time.

01:17:46.000 So, Joe Rogan, I heard that you...

01:17:48.000 That wouldn't even be a problem for me.

01:17:50.000 It's just don't...

01:17:50.000 You know, I just...

01:17:51.000 I don't know why they're still upset at me because apparently this was some recent interview.

01:17:55.000 Oh, really?

01:17:55.000 I didn't even know about...

01:17:56.000 I don't even know who they are.

01:17:57.000 I don't even know where the station is.

01:17:58.000 Wow.

01:17:59.000 I don't care.

01:18:00.000 Look, if it's all these years and you're still upset that I wouldn't eat your thing, that's on you.

01:18:04.000 That's on you.

01:18:05.000 100%.

01:18:05.000 I didn't do anything to you.

01:18:06.000 I didn't break your window.

01:18:07.000 I didn't light your bathroom on fire.

01:18:08.000 If I just didn't eat your thing, that's on you.

01:18:12.000 The whole world is filled with different kinds of people, man. 1.00

01:18:14.000 And if you try to make everybody happy, you will fucking go crazy. 0.99

01:18:18.000 I know when I've been a douchebag in my past. 0.99

01:18:21.000 I know when I've done things where I could have made this go smoother.

01:18:25.000 This isn't one of those things. 1.00

01:18:27.000 This is just stupidity. 1.00

01:18:28.000 And I didn't want to deal with stupidity. 1.00

01:18:31.000 You're going to Texas soon, aren't you? 1.00

01:18:34.000 Like, August or something like that?

01:18:35.000 Yeah.

01:18:35.000 Or are you going to go back to...

01:18:36.000 Yeah, I'm going to Houston.

01:18:37.000 I think August.

01:18:39.000 August.

01:18:39.000 I can't wait.

01:18:40.000 That'll be fun.

01:18:41.000 Yeah, I'm doing September again in Austin, too.

01:18:43.000 Oh, really?

01:18:44.000 Yeah.

01:18:44.000 That's always a good time.

01:18:45.000 Yeah, and plus, now, it looks like I'm recording the special in June, so if that happens, then... 0.93

01:18:52.000 I'll have to have all new shit by the time September rolls around.

01:18:57.000 So I've got a lot of work to do. 0.98

01:18:58.000 That's exciting, man.

01:19:00.000 I've been writing a lot lately, man, because I'm trying to finish this book.

01:19:02.000 I've been writing like crazy, man. 0.95

01:19:04.000 Writing is so fucking satisfying. 0.96

01:19:06.000 It might be one of my favorite things to do. 0.96

01:19:08.000 I love the idea that you just sit in front of that computer and...

01:19:13.000 These ideas just start dancing in your head.

01:19:15.000 They start dancing.

01:19:16.000 They start arranging themselves on paper.

01:19:19.000 And then sometimes when an idea will come out and then another idea will follow it, I step back and look and I'm like, wow, it's this crazy thing that just happened through me.

01:19:30.000 This crazy idea that just happened through me.

01:19:34.000 And then it all...

01:19:35.000 Puts itself onto paper, and then the next thing you know, there's 100 pages.

01:19:38.000 Next thing you know, there's 200 pages.

01:19:40.000 It's like, wow!

01:19:41.000 It's such a fascinating process, man.

01:19:43.000 The creative process of actually sitting down and writing.

01:19:47.000 It's amazing, man.

01:19:48.000 I tried last night.

01:19:49.000 I was going to write just for an hour and then get in the tank, but sometimes every now and then you tap into a vein and you've got to stay there.

01:19:57.000 You can't go anywhere.

01:19:58.000 I just had one idea that I needed to write down before I went in the tank.

01:20:02.000 And as I was writing that idea down, something about writing, like say if you're thinking about a word, like if you're writing the word experience, it takes longer to write that word than it is to think of the concept of experience.

01:20:13.000 So it allows you to deeply consider everything that you're saying.

01:20:16.000 And then oftentimes, like when you're writing, I can seem so much smarter writing than I ever could just talking.

01:20:22.000 You think?

01:20:23.000 Yeah.

01:20:23.000 Yeah, definitely.

01:20:24.000 I mean, you talk very like smart.

01:20:27.000 Yeah, but I'm way smarter writing than I am talking.

01:20:32.000 Because you can consider everything much more.

01:20:36.000 You get a chance to look at it.

01:20:38.000 You really get to know someone.

01:20:40.000 And that's another beautiful thing about this podcast.

01:20:42.000 You get to know someone when you're talking to them for a long time.

01:20:46.000 You get to know how their brain works.

01:20:48.000 You could write things out. 0.99

01:20:50.000 That always used to drive me crazy about presidential speeches and shit like that. 0.64

01:20:54.000 That they have people writing them for them. 1.00

01:20:55.000 That is so fucked up. 0.99

01:20:57.000 It's just time, right? 1.00

01:20:59.000 Because they have to give a speech every fucking day almost. 0.99

01:21:02.000 Can't you just speak from the heart? 0.98

01:21:04.000 Yeah, but there's probably things they have to just touch on.

01:21:06.000 They're probably not writers like, this is what you have to say.

01:21:09.000 It's more like taking your ideas and making it in a speech form.

01:21:12.000 Because, I mean, they literally have to do probably two or three speeches a day.

01:21:16.000 If you look at Obama's...

01:21:17.000 Really?

01:21:18.000 Does he do two or three a day?

01:21:19.000 Yeah, they're always going to colleges or talking here with representatives.

01:21:23.000 They're always doing speeches if you look at his schedule.

01:21:25.000 There was that one time where they followed him around.

01:21:27.000 For a week, I forget what program did it.

01:21:30.000 And it was just like, his schedule was pretty much from when he'd wake up, just going from one place to another, giving a speech, giving a speech, giving a speech. 1.00

01:21:38.000 Fuck, either way, write your own speeches, bitch. 1.00

01:21:41.000 I think he does, actually. 1.00

01:21:42.000 And one of his most famous speeches is one that he wrote, one of the ones when he was running for office.

01:21:48.000 He's a smart guy, and he's a very good speechwriter, but The whole idea of having a speech written out for you by a bunch of other people is kind of offensive to me. 0.91

01:21:59.000 It's like, what the fuck are you doing being the leader if you've got all these people telling you exactly what to say?

01:22:03.000 And, you know, you're following all these charts and graphs and this is what the people want and so let's give them this and this is sort of in the middle and we'll lower their expectations with that and then we'll hit them with this to make them happy. 0.99

01:22:14.000 It's just, it's like so obvious that we're being played.

01:22:17.000 You know, that's what drives me nuts about speech writing, about the idea of it.

01:22:20.000 So it's just like, They're not even trying to pretend that they're not playing you. 1.00

01:22:23.000 They're not even trying to pretend that this guy wrote this shit himself. 1.00

01:22:26.000 He's just up there reading off a fucking teleprompter and you're just going, yay! 1.00

01:22:31.000 And nothing changes. 1.00

01:22:32.000 Yeah.

01:22:33.000 I could never do that.

01:22:34.000 I could never do speeches or anything like that.

01:22:36.000 You could.

01:22:37.000 If you wanted to give speeches on podcasting or speeches on something that you know a lot about, like if you wanted to give speeches on how to be a good video editor, you could do that.

01:22:45.000 You could easily do a seminar on video editing.

01:22:47.000 If you ever wanted to, if people were into your internet videos, you could come up with a bunch of bulletin points.

01:22:53.000 Of things that you need to consider.

01:22:54.000 Like, hey, brevity.

01:22:56.000 You want to make it under 10 minutes.

01:22:58.000 You want this.

01:22:58.000 You want that.

01:22:59.000 This is my best video, and this is why.

01:23:02.000 And the good thing about this video is it starts off in one point, and then it goes back in time, and then it brings you forward again.

01:23:08.000 And then you could easily do something like that.

01:23:11.000 Anything that you're into, man, you could teach other people how to do it.

01:23:13.000 Did you hear that Flip Video is no more?

01:23:16.000 What?

01:23:17.000 Cisco bought Flip Video, and they axed him.

01:23:20.000 They killed it.

01:23:20.000 Yeah, I always thought for some reason Flip Video was very successful and a big money maker.

01:23:25.000 It seems like everybody's got Flip Video.

01:23:26.000 I see a lot of them.

01:23:27.000 I know Norton had it when Norton was at Austin. 1.00

01:23:30.000 He taped all his sets with that shit. 1.00

01:23:31.000 Yeah, they killed it for some reason. 1.00

01:23:34.000 But is it so good?

01:23:35.000 Is it a big deal?

01:23:36.000 Well, I mean, it's just kind of weird that they did that, you know?

01:23:40.000 You would have never found out about that 20 years ago.

01:23:42.000 Yeah.

01:23:43.000 It just would have stopped.

01:23:44.000 Unless you were reading the technology page of the New York Times, you know?

01:23:47.000 Right. 0.99

01:23:47.000 How the fuck would you have ever known? 0.99

01:23:48.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:23:48.000 You know, now you get like an email alert from CNN to tell you that Flip Video has been eaten up by Cisco. 0.99

01:23:54.000 Yeah.

01:23:54.000 You know?

01:23:54.000 Yeah.

01:23:56.000 You know who Scott Adams is?

01:23:57.000 The guy who created Dilbert?

01:23:58.000 Uh-huh.

01:23:59.000 He got busted going online, defending himself under a fake name.

01:24:04.000 Are you serious?

01:24:05.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:24:05.000 Is that like the weakest shit ever? 1.00

01:24:07.000 How'd he get busted? 1.00

01:24:08.000 I don't know.

01:24:09.000 He got busted.

01:24:09.000 And then he wrote something about it, admitting it.

01:24:17.000 And this is what he wrote.

01:24:19.000 According to wise and fair denizens of the internet, this is after he's been busted. 1.00

01:24:24.000 According to the wise and fair denizens of the internet, this behavior is proof that I am a thin-skinned troll, asshole, dick, fame whore, egomaniac, douche nozzle, misogynist. 0.98

01:24:35.000 That list might sound bad to you, but keep in mind that I was starting from a pretty low base, so I think my reputation is trending up. 0.99

01:24:42.000 That's pretty funny.

01:24:43.000 Wow.

01:24:44.000 Yeah.

01:24:45.000 It's in the OC Weekly.

01:24:46.000 If you guys want to read it, it's kind of interesting because they're like, wow.

01:24:50.000 So what he did was he logged online and he did under the name Planned Chaos and he pretended to be the only person in the world who doesn't hate him.

01:25:04.000 Because I guess he's been getting in trouble lately.

01:25:06.000 I don't remember what it was.

01:25:08.000 I don't remember what exactly he said.

01:25:11.000 He said some things that people thought were questionable. 0.94

01:25:15.000 And so people were shitting all over him. 0.97

01:25:17.000 I met him. 0.89

01:25:18.000 He was on an episode of NewsRadio.

01:25:20.000 Really?

01:25:21.000 Yeah.

01:25:21.000 That goes to show you how old Dilbert is.

01:25:24.000 Dilbert's been around forever, man.

01:25:25.000 I never got into Dilbert, really.

01:25:26.000 It's terrible.

01:25:27.000 Those cartoons are like the lowest expectation ever for humor and for entertainment value.

01:25:34.000 Yeah.

01:25:34.000 It's amazing that they can make so much money.

01:25:36.000 Like, I used to read Doonesbury, and I remember Doonesbury was the smart one, man.

01:25:40.000 It was really smart. 0.92

01:25:41.000 The only time to me it was even remotely interesting was when they had Raul, Raul Duke, who was the Hunter S. Thompson character who would come in with guns and start shooting shit up.

01:25:50.000 And, you know, it was like Hunter S. Thompson's, they kind of like, he has his character Raul Duke from Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. 0.60

01:25:59.000 You know, he like The novel is sort of based very loosely on him and his friend Oscar and the crazy shit they did when they were on drugs in Vegas.

01:26:09.000 And this guy from Doonesbury just sort of co-opted that character, sort of stole it, stole his intellectual property and started using it as characters inside of his Doonesbury comic.

01:26:22.000 I thought that was kind of cool.

01:26:23.000 It was kind of funny that he did that.

01:26:25.000 Those were fun.

01:26:26.000 But other than that, most of it was really like nothing.

01:26:29.000 It's like the jokes were like, whew.

01:26:32.000 Like, do you ever read like Marmaduke or something like that?

01:26:35.000 Or Beetle Bailey. 0.99

01:26:36.000 How is that shit still even impossible? 0.99

01:26:37.000 Is Beetle Bailey still around? 1.00

01:26:38.000 Yeah, I think so.

01:26:39.000 I think so.

01:26:40.000 I don't know. 0.99

01:26:41.000 I don't fucking know. 0.98

01:26:42.000 Yeah, who would cry if the cartoon section... 0.98

01:26:44.000 I remember when I was a kid, though, I used to like the cartoon section.

01:26:46.000 I used to like Farside. 1.00

01:26:47.000 That was fucking brilliant shit. 1.00

01:26:49.000 And then they just kind of went away. 1.00

01:26:51.000 I was a Garfield guy growing up, obviously.

01:26:53.000 So Garfield and Farside were my two.

01:26:55.000 Calvin and Hobbes, pretty...

01:26:57.000 So you do like cartoons?

01:26:58.000 I do. 0.99

01:26:59.000 But then you get those ones like whatever that fucking Cathy or Ziggy. 1.00

01:27:04.000 Oh yeah. 0.99

01:27:05.000 There's some that don't make any sense and you have to wonder how those people keep their jobs.

01:27:09.000 Is it like some sort of a government job where you can't get fired?

01:27:12.000 Yeah.

01:27:12.000 Or that Prince Valiant or whatever that one that was like...

01:27:15.000 Prince Valiant.

01:27:15.000 Remember that one?

01:27:16.000 What was that one where it's like all medieval knights and shit? 0.98

01:27:19.000 Yeah. 0.98

01:27:19.000 I always tried to get into that one but I could never fucking do it. 0.98

01:27:23.000 They're the worst, man. 0.99

01:27:24.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:27:25.000 They're the worst. 1.00

01:27:25.000 Is there anything worse than fucking stupid cartoons? 1.00

01:27:29.000 There's no lower standard. 1.00

01:27:31.000 You know?

01:27:32.000 Like, have you ever, like, read a cartoon and laughed?

01:27:36.000 No. 0.99

01:27:36.000 Like, holy shit, that's funny. 0.99

01:27:38.000 Well, Farside. 0.99

01:27:38.000 Farside, definitely. 0.99

01:27:39.000 Really?

01:27:39.000 Yeah, Farside.

01:27:40.000 You never read any of the Farsides?

01:27:42.000 I never got into it, man.

01:27:43.000 I think, like stand-up comics, some cartoons are so bad, they, like...

01:27:49.000 turn you off to other cartoons. - Wow. - Like I've talked to people that have been to like shitty comedy shows, like nah, I'm not really into live comedy.

01:27:56.000 - Right. - Like whoa, you're not into a live comedy.

01:27:57.000 Okay, what are you talking about?

01:27:59.000 Have you ever gone to see Louis C.K.?

01:28:00.000 Okay, go see Louis C.K. and then tell me if you're into live comedy.

01:28:04.000 'Cause you might not be into some douchebags at the Chuckle Hut, you know, that are telling nonsense jokes, but go to see Chris Rock.

01:28:11.000 Go to see, you know, Dave Chappelle. 0.60

01:28:12.000 Go to see a real comic.

01:28:13.000 You're gonna love comedy, man.

01:28:15.000 Don't get crazy. 0.99

01:28:16.000 You go see Joey Diaz, and if you don't laugh, you don't have a fucking pulse, right? 1.00

01:28:19.000 There's something wrong with you. 0.99

01:28:20.000 You're not enjoying that?

01:28:23.000 Joey destroyed all weekend in Philadelphia.

01:28:26.000 He's so fun to have around, man.

01:28:28.000 No one makes me laugh more than that guy. 0.83

01:28:30.000 He's so fucking fun to have around. 0.97

01:28:33.000 But as we were saying before, he gets wired. 0.99

01:28:35.000 He gets angry at you.

01:28:37.000 Yeah. 0.96

01:28:37.000 I'm just reading these facts that were on dig.com today, facts about masturbation. 0.96

01:28:42.000 And it's going through that male kangaroos have been known to give themselves blowjobs and female porcupines have been witnessed using wooden sticks as dildos. 0.98

01:28:50.000 What? 0.99

01:28:50.000 Can you imagine watching an animal check off? 0.99

01:28:53.000 Dinosaurs have dicks, right? 0.95

01:28:56.000 Right? 1.00

01:28:57.000 Can you imagine how big that dick is? 1.00

01:28:59.000 And then like if a dinosaur fucking cummed, like how much cum that would be? 1.00

01:29:02.000 If a dinosaur cummed? 1.00

01:29:03.000 Are you 12, bro? 0.97

01:29:04.000 No, I was just thinking that the other day. 0.99

01:29:05.000 If a dinosaur cummed. 0.99

01:29:07.000 How big would the load be if a dinosaur cummed? 0.99

01:29:12.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:29:12.000 And here's another fact. 0.99

01:29:16.000 30% of suicides by males age of 12 through 20 are attributed to autoerotic asphyxiation?

01:29:24.000 No, what is that on Wikipedia, man?

01:29:26.000 I don't know.

01:29:27.000 Oh, here's a fleshlight.

01:29:28.000 Autoerotic asphyxiation.

01:29:30.000 Yeah, from 12 to 20. That's silly. 0.94

01:29:32.000 That's insane. 1.00

01:29:33.000 You know, here's a fucking interesting statistic that's real. 0.99

01:29:35.000 70% of all pornography gets watched during 9 to 5 hours. 0.99

01:29:39.000 Really?

01:29:39.000 Yep.

01:29:40.000 12% of a porno film is watched at a hotel room on average.

01:29:46.000 That makes sense.

01:29:47.000 But 70% being during the internet or downloaded from the internet while you're at work, 9 to 5?

01:29:53.000 Yeah, totally.

01:29:53.000 How many people are watching this podcast or listening to this podcast at work?

01:29:57.000 A lot. 0.96

01:29:58.000 How many people are masturbating while listening to this podcast? 0.97

01:30:01.000 Two. 0.98

01:30:01.000 Two people right now and only one's hard. 0.98

01:30:03.000 One of them is crying, struggling, trying to make shit happen. 0.99

01:30:09.000 There's too much porn, I think, at this point. 0.99

01:30:12.000 It's almost like it's too easy to beat off.

01:30:15.000 It's all out there.

01:30:16.000 It's almost unavoidable.

01:30:19.000 It used to be hard as hell to get some pornography.

01:30:22.000 When I was a kid, like we were talking about earlier, about magazines, man.

01:30:25.000 You got magazines, man.

01:30:27.000 You had to go to a liquor store and ask for the back shelf. 0.99

01:30:30.000 Nowadays, man, it's so fucking easy to get pornography. 0.96

01:30:34.000 Nowadays, you could just specialize on one particular type of pornography. 0.99

01:30:39.000 You could be like a weirdo foot guy.

01:30:42.000 You only want foot jobs. 0.98

01:30:43.000 Girls jacking guys off with their feet. 0.99

01:30:45.000 And you could fucking stack monitors to the top of your room like a movie screen, 50 feet high. 1.00

01:30:51.000 And every one of them has got a different video of a girl jerking a guy off with their feet. 0.99

01:30:55.000 And you would die of old age before you watched all of them. 0.99

01:30:58.000 There's this shit that I was reading about where guys who go to graveyards after they bury somebody recently. 1.00

01:31:07.000 The next day after they bury somebody, they dig them up and fuck them. 1.00

01:31:11.000 Oh, God. 1.00

01:31:13.000 They check the obituaries and find a young teen.

01:31:17.000 Where was this happening?

01:31:18.000 It was on the internet.

01:31:19.000 I read it.

01:31:20.000 I've heard of people doing it in...

01:31:22.000 There was an old Kinnison bit.

01:31:24.000 People doing it in a mortician's office.

01:31:26.000 The mortuary.

01:31:27.000 Remember that bit?

01:31:28.000 I could see that happening.

01:31:29.000 Dude, that bit is what got me into Kinnison.

01:31:31.000 Really?

01:31:32.000 I've told this story before, but in the interest of brevity, a girl that I was working with did the bit for me because she was telling me how funny he was.

01:31:38.000 And she was lying on her stomach in the parking lot going, Oh, oh! 1.00

01:31:42.000 You mean life keeps fucking you in the ass even after you're dead? 1.00

01:31:45.000 It never ends! 1.00

01:31:47.000 And I remember thinking like, wow, what is this guy like?

01:31:49.000 This guy must be the funniest guy ever.

01:31:51.000 And then I got a hold of his HBO special and I got a chance to see it.

01:31:55.000 That was probably the one moment when I was 19 years old with that girl on her stomach in the parking lot telling me that joke.

01:32:01.000 That was one of the few moments in my life where a spark went off in my head like, wow, maybe I should do that. 0.99

01:32:09.000 Maybe I should be a fucking comedian. 0.97

01:32:10.000 You know, when I was 19, I had no idea what the hell was going to happen in my future. 0.99

01:32:13.000 I didn't know what I was going to do.

01:32:15.000 But I was already starting to think, like, maybe, you know, maybe I have to find something.

01:32:19.000 You know, maybe it's not martial arts.

01:32:20.000 I have to find, like, something else to do.

01:32:22.000 Like, maybe it was this. 1.00

01:32:23.000 This fucking guy's on his stomach, you know, pretending to get fucked in the ass. 1.00

01:32:26.000 Like, there was nothing like that back then, man. 1.00

01:32:29.000 But I think his joke was based on a true story.

01:32:32.000 It was in L.A. Some people got arrested for paying the morticians to spend a few hours undisturbed with the freshest male corpses.

01:32:40.000 Oh, God.

01:32:41.000 Oh, God.

01:32:41.000 Yeah.

01:32:42.000 Ugh.

01:32:42.000 I think if I was a mortician, and I think if you get a hot chick, that there'd be, sometimes you're sitting in this basement by yourself, you'd be like, I'm definitely gonna touch this dude.

01:32:51.000 This video's online, this photo's online of guys fucking dead bodies. 1.00

01:32:55.000 I don't think I can fuck it. 1.00

01:32:56.000 There's a photo online of a guy with his, I don't know if it's still up, This is years ago. 0.99

01:33:01.000 This was in the late 90s, early 2000s.

01:33:05.000 And it was a whole sequence of photos from start to finish of this woman being on the slab.

01:33:10.000 She's clearly dead. 1.00

01:33:12.000 And then him putting his penis inside of her. 1.00

01:33:16.000 I think I've seen that. 1.00

01:33:17.000 Yeah.

01:33:17.000 And it's like, whoa, dude.

01:33:19.000 He didn't just take these photos of someone's daughter and someone's sister or someone's wife. 0.99

01:33:24.000 He fucked her and took pictures of it and then put it online. 0.99

01:33:28.000 Right. 1.00

01:33:29.000 You know? 1.00

01:33:30.000 Some fucking crazy shit, man. 1.00

01:33:32.000 I wonder how many people who get into... 1.00

01:33:34.000 Like, what the number is.

01:33:37.000 How many people get into being a mortician or being...

01:33:40.000 How many of them are into...

01:33:40.000 For the sex?

01:33:41.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:33:41.000 How many of them are fucking around with bodies? 1.00

01:33:43.000 I'm sure it's very high, man. 1.00

01:33:45.000 I'm never surprised at the things I hear. 0.99

01:33:47.000 And I think if you were into fucking dead bodies, that would be the number one thing to do. 0.99

01:33:50.000 How... 1.00

01:33:54.000 I'm sure it's juicier.

01:33:56.000 I'm sure it's juicier.

01:33:57.000 You know what I'm saying?

01:33:58.000 Is rigamortis set in?

01:34:01.000 Can they fix that?

01:34:03.000 Is there a way that they can have rigamortis not set in?

01:34:06.000 What happens when they embalm them?

01:34:08.000 Don't they pump out all the... 0.87

01:34:09.000 What is rigor mortis?

01:34:10.000 What does that come from?

01:34:11.000 Do you know what it comes from now?

01:34:12.000 I think that's when you die, the body just stiffens up, but I don't think it's immediate.

01:34:15.000 You pick up a squirrel off the road.

01:34:17.000 I don't think it's immediate.

01:34:18.000 I don't think it's immediate.

01:34:19.000 I think it takes a few hours.

01:34:21.000 So maybe if you get the person right after they die, they'd be still pliable. 0.99

01:34:24.000 Yeah, but don't you like when you die, you also just automatically piss and shit yourself and all that crap? 0.99

01:34:29.000 Just clean them up, man. 1.00

01:34:30.000 If you're going to fuck a dead body, you can't have high standards. 1.00

01:34:32.000 Yeah, that's... 1.00

01:34:35.000 Kind of have to warm them up, maybe get some lamps or a heated blanket and let them sit in there for a while or something like that.

01:34:40.000 Yeah, put them in a warm tub. 0.98

01:34:42.000 Not warm enough to cook them.

01:34:44.000 Oh, God. 1.00

01:34:45.000 You know, the cool thing is that you could just pretty much fucking rip skin if you wanted to fuck that ass really hard, you know, and you just fucking just start ripping it. 1.00

01:34:53.000 You never have to worry about her getting hurt, right? 1.00

01:34:54.000 Yeah.

01:34:55.000 That's true.

01:34:56.000 I guess you could think about it that way.

01:34:59.000 She's a gagger. 1.00

01:35:00.000 It's going right through the back of her throat. 0.97

01:35:04.000 Something about disrespecting dead bodies, it's particularly offensive.

01:35:08.000 Particularly unsavory.

01:35:10.000 The idea of disrespecting someone's body, their vessel while they're gone.

01:35:15.000 It's so inhuman.

01:35:18.000 There's something about it that's very creepy.

01:35:21.000 One of the creepiest things, that and eating it.

01:35:24.000 Eating someone's body after they're dead.

01:35:28.000 I was listening to Casey Kasem.

01:35:32.000 He's still around?

01:35:33.000 I don't know if he's still around.

01:35:34.000 They had him on the radio, though.

01:35:36.000 He might be dead.

01:35:37.000 But they were playing ones from the 1970s.

01:35:41.000 I was in...

01:35:43.000 Philly.

01:35:43.000 Philly has this one badass radio station.

01:35:45.000 I tweeted it.

01:35:46.000 I don't remember the name of it.

01:35:47.000 It's like W-O-G-L. W-G-O-L. And it was all like one badass song.

01:35:53.000 It would be like Pink Floyd, and then it would be Michael Jackson, and then it would be like Sam Cooke. 0.98

01:35:59.000 I mean, it was like some serious fucking jams, one after the other. 0.97

01:36:02.000 And it was at this pool hall that we were playing at. 0.98

01:36:04.000 And they played, like, repeats of, like, the Countdown show.

01:36:10.000 And I forgot, like, Casey Kasem with the Countdown.

01:36:13.000 Wow.

01:36:13.000 And he would...

01:36:14.000 You just pulled that out.

01:36:15.000 First time I've ever done that, too.

01:36:17.000 That was awesome.

01:36:18.000 Here we go.

01:36:21.000 This request comes...

01:36:22.000 Now go, hey Scooby, come over here.

01:36:24.000 Casey Kasem with the countdown.

01:36:26.000 I can't even do...

01:36:27.000 If I hurt him, I can do it.

01:36:28.000 Do you know he was Shaggy? 1.00

01:36:29.000 Really?

01:36:30.000 Yeah, Scooby-Doo.

01:36:31.000 Oh yeah, I did know that.

01:36:33.000 Zoinks? 1.00

01:36:34.000 Zoinks? 1.00

01:36:36.000 One of the songs, apparently, was about cannibalism.

01:36:42.000 And I don't know the song, but it was about some people.

01:36:45.000 It was like the Donner Party.

01:36:47.000 It was about some people.

01:36:48.000 You know the Donner Party story?

01:36:49.000 They were headed to the West Coast, and they got stuck in the mountains of Colorado, and they ran out of food.

01:36:54.000 Some people died, and they ate the dead bodies to stay alive.

01:36:56.000 Trey Parker made a film about it.

01:36:58.000 Did he really?

01:36:58.000 Yeah, Cannibal the Musical.

01:37:00.000 Yeah.

01:37:01.000 What's it?

01:37:02.000 Cannibal the Musical?

01:37:03.000 Yeah, it's his first movie he made in college with Matt Stone. 0.97

01:37:05.000 It's fucking brilliant. 0.96

01:37:06.000 That's really funny because they're from Colorado, too. 0.99

01:37:08.000 Yeah. 0.97

01:37:09.000 I fucking love it. 0.83

01:37:10.000 It's a brilliant movie. 0.99

01:37:11.000 Cannibal the Musical.

01:37:13.000 Yeah.

01:37:13.000 Okay, I'll have to check that out.

01:37:14.000 Amazon that shit. 1.00

01:37:15.000 But Casey Kasem was going off. 1.00

01:37:17.000 Casey Kasem.

01:37:18.000 About this.

01:37:20.000 Sometimes you have to make decisions.

01:37:22.000 And the decision was like...

01:37:24.000 We stopped playing. 0.99

01:37:25.000 We're like, what the fuck? 1.00

01:37:27.000 You have to make a decision between eating the body or dying yourself. 1.00

01:37:32.000 And we're like, what the fuck? 1.00

01:37:34.000 What a weird top 40 or whatever the fuck it was. 0.99

01:37:39.000 I don't know what that song is. 0.97

01:37:41.000 I think it was a request.

01:37:43.000 I only tuned into it halfway while he was saying it, but it was one of the weird things.

01:37:49.000 This Ness song deals with cannibalism.

01:37:52.000 It was like, what?

01:37:54.000 How many times in history have people had to eat people to stay alive?

01:37:57.000 There's only a few recorded instances, right?

01:37:59.000 There's a soccer team that crashed in a plane crash, and they made that movie about them.

01:38:04.000 Remember?

01:38:04.000 Yeah, what was that?

01:38:05.000 Alive? 1.00

01:38:06.000 Yeah, they're spooning that guy's ass out. 1.00

01:38:08.000 Oh, yeah. 1.00

01:38:09.000 I forgot about that. 0.99

01:38:10.000 The frozen ass meat with a spoon. 0.99

01:38:12.000 That was a freaky-ass movie, man, when that airplane broke apart. 0.99

01:38:16.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:38:17.000 Tubes made out of metal aren't really meant to fly through the fucking sky. 0.99

01:38:21.000 Yeah. 0.98

01:38:22.000 You know what I was thinking the other day?

01:38:23.000 What happened to all those Lost people?

01:38:24.000 You notice how all those actors from Lost were such a high in their career?

01:38:28.000 And now, do you see any of them?

01:38:29.000 They burnt off.

01:38:30.000 You didn't want to have anything to do with them.

01:38:32.000 Jack was pissing me off, man.

01:38:33.000 I know. 0.97

01:38:34.000 After a while, man, he really annoyed the shit out of me, man. 0.96

01:38:37.000 He drove me nuts. 0.96

01:38:38.000 He was so phoning it in at the end when they were all standing around that tub and someone comes back to life. 1.00

01:38:43.000 I'm like, this motherfucker is just phoning it in, man. 1.00

01:38:46.000 That is ridiculous. 1.00

01:38:46.000 You're so mad about that. 1.00

01:38:47.000 Yeah, he drove me nuts.

01:38:49.000 Because he wasn't appreciating his part.

01:38:52.000 He started off that series as a winner. 1.00

01:38:56.000 Jack was the fucking hero. 0.99

01:38:57.000 He was the man. 1.00

01:38:58.000 He was the doctor.

01:38:59.000 He was handsome.

01:39:00.000 All the girls loved him. 1.00

01:39:01.000 And by the end, he was a junkie and a loser. 0.99

01:39:04.000 And what they did was, I guarantee you that guy's annoying. 0.98

01:39:07.000 I guarantee you that actor is annoying. 1.00

01:39:09.000 And they're like, fuck this guy. 1.00

01:39:11.000 Let's just start making him a douchebag. 1.00

01:39:13.000 And start slowly making him more and more annoying. 0.99

01:39:16.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:39:17.000 Fuck yeah. 1.00

01:39:18.000 They must have done that. 1.00

01:39:19.000 Because if he was so cool, everybody else sort of kept their thing or became more cool as the show went on. 0.99

01:39:27.000 Like the really hot girl with no ass. 1.00

01:39:29.000 What's her name? 1.00

01:39:30.000 The really pretty one with the dark hair. 1.00

01:39:32.000 What the fuck is her name? 1.00

01:39:33.000 Kate. 1.00

01:39:33.000 I don't remember her. 1.00

01:39:34.000 She sort of became cooler as time went on. 0.99

01:39:36.000 Got her shit together. 1.00

01:39:38.000 Raised that girl's baby. 0.99

01:39:40.000 She had a lot of good positive attributes.

01:39:42.000 John Locke became mysterious and magical and figured out the world.

01:39:46.000 Jack just became a junkie. 1.00

01:39:48.000 He just became a fucking loser, man. 1.00

01:39:50.000 He just slowly fell apart. 1.00

01:39:51.000 There's a reason for that.

01:39:52.000 If you saw the last episode, you would know why. 1.00

01:39:53.000 Fuck that last episode can suck my dick! 1.00

01:39:56.000 I ain't fucking with that, man. 1.00

01:39:58.000 I can't believe you watch that much. 0.99

01:40:01.000 There's some freedom in walking away for it, man.

01:40:03.000 Yeah, but you watch so much of it that you might as well see what happens. 0.99

01:40:06.000 There's some freedom in just saying, no, you don't have me anymore, you fucks. 1.00

01:40:11.000 You can't own me, bitch. 1.00

01:40:13.000 I'm not your whore, all right? 1.00

01:40:15.000 I'm not tuning in every week to watch your stupid commercials just so you can trick me with your silly storyline. 1.00

01:40:20.000 I don't even watch TV anymore, it seems like. 1.00

01:40:23.000 But once you start fucking throwing in time travel and shit like they did, now we're in 1970. Alright. 0.98

01:40:28.000 You don't even know what happened? 1.00

01:40:29.000 You fucks. 1.00

01:40:30.000 You can do anything you want, you fucks. 1.00

01:40:32.000 Well, there's a reason why. 0.99

01:40:32.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:40:33.000 Do you want to know?

01:40:33.000 I can tell you now.

01:40:34.000 The reason is they can suck it. 1.00

01:40:35.000 Would you like to know? 1.00

01:40:35.000 Nope. 1.00

01:40:36.000 I don't want to know.

01:40:36.000 You don't want to know the end?

01:40:37.000 I love that you want me to know and that I don't want to know.

01:40:39.000 I love that.

01:40:40.000 There's freedom in that, man.

01:40:42.000 Alright.

01:40:42.000 He was a girl the whole time.

01:40:43.000 He was a girl? 0.89

01:40:44.000 Oh, good.

01:40:45.000 Good.

01:40:45.000 He seemed like a girl.

01:40:46.000 He was Kate.

01:40:47.000 Seemed like he was on his period for 10 years. 1.00

01:40:49.000 Fucking twat. 1.00

01:40:52.000 Oh, Jesus. 1.00

01:40:54.000 Anything else?

01:40:55.000 Before we get going, there was some questions on the Rogan board that I'm perusing through, and some of them we've actually already answered.

01:41:04.000 And some of them...

01:41:05.000 Here's one.

01:41:06.000 What are your thoughts on listeners supporting the podcast financially?

01:41:10.000 It's not necessary.

01:41:11.000 The podcast, as I said, is a great method for me to promote shows and promote all the other stuff that we do.

01:41:18.000 And we get sponsorships.

01:41:19.000 The more you guys listen, the more we get sponsors.

01:41:22.000 I mean, we just have this fleshlight right now, but that's mostly because we're going to be moving to Sirius very soon.

01:41:27.000 Both, obviously.

01:41:28.000 We will still be live and free on the internet.

01:41:31.000 It'll still be on iTunes for free.

01:41:32.000 It'll still be available for download on the website for free.

01:41:35.000 But it'll also be on Sirius Satellite Radio, just so more people can listen to it and just I like Sirius.

01:41:41.000 I have it in my car.

01:41:42.000 It's an awesome service.

01:41:44.000 And I think it's just another avenue for us to get heard.

01:41:47.000 And we're not even getting paid for it.

01:41:48.000 The same thing as Stitcher.

01:41:50.000 I'm for all of those things.

01:41:52.000 And the more of these things that we do, the more it...

01:41:56.000 I've never had this many people come to my shows.

01:41:58.000 I've never had...

01:41:59.000 It's obvious that this is a good thing.

01:42:01.000 You know, it's obvious that there's a benefit for me in that and the promotional aspect of it.

01:42:06.000 And there's a benefit in people that they get this free entertainment, man.

01:42:09.000 And it's a benefit for us, too.

01:42:10.000 You know, over the course of the year or so that we've been doing this, one of the coolest things that really made me appreciate, I was bummed out when I had to come back here from Colorado.

01:42:19.000 I have this idea of raising my kids in a place where it's a little more calm, there's less people, there's less of the pressures of Hollywood, there's sort of the bullshit materialism of this area, this part of the country. 0.95

01:42:31.000 It's a silly part of the country. 0.97

01:42:32.000 There's a lot of cool people here, but it's also a very silly part of the country. 0.96

01:42:36.000 So I was bummed out, man, when the dog got eaten by the mountain lion and when Mrs. Rogan got pregnant and we had to come back. 0.99

01:42:42.000 To me, it was like, fuck, I was gone. 0.99

01:42:44.000 I made it out of this place. 0.99

01:42:46.000 I had escaped and now I'm back again.

01:42:48.000 But what really made me appreciate this place was this podcast and was having all these cool people come over all the time.

01:42:57.000 Having Ari over, having Eddie over, having Joey over, having Bert Kreischer and Russell Peters and Tom Green, I'm like, you know, I sit back and I go, God, this is so much fucking fun.

01:43:07.000 You know, somehow or another, we have like a real, legit national radio show.

01:43:12.000 And not even national, man, worldwide.

01:43:15.000 Because we had a fuckload of podcast fans in Australia. 0.99

01:43:18.000 That's on the other side of the fucking planet. 0.99

01:43:20.000 And when I asked them about the podcast, they went nuts. 0.99

01:43:23.000 So it's a worldwide sort of a thing, man.

01:43:26.000 And, you know, and... 0.93

01:43:28.000 Who the fuck knew when we did this that it would be what it is now? 0.96

01:43:32.000 Who knew that every week would be in the top five of iTunes? 0.99

01:43:36.000 Who the fuck? 0.99

01:43:36.000 We had never... 0.99

01:43:37.000 No idea.

01:43:38.000 No idea.

01:43:38.000 It was completely by chance.

01:43:40.000 And slowly along the line, it's morphed.

01:43:43.000 And slowly along the line, it's evolved.

01:43:45.000 And slowly along the line, it's become something...

01:43:49.000 It is itself now.

01:43:51.000 You know what I mean?

01:43:52.000 Now we don't think about how to do it.

01:43:54.000 We came over here...

01:43:55.000 Brian came over here today...

01:43:57.000 And we didn't even have to talk. 0.99

01:43:58.000 We talked about just normal shit like we always do. 0.95

01:44:01.000 This is our 100th episode, man. 0.98

01:44:02.000 It's a big deal.

01:44:03.000 But we were like, well, we should do it together.

01:44:06.000 Yeah, let's just do you and me for the 100th.

01:44:07.000 And then that was all the thing we had to talk about.

01:44:10.000 It is its own thing.

01:44:12.000 It's got its own life to it now.

01:44:14.000 And all the people that send me emails, man, and all the Twitter messages, and all the people that I meet in the comedy clubs, I appreciate the fuck out of that.

01:44:23.000 I think it is one of my biggest accomplishments In my career is this podcast and that message board and both of those things.

01:44:32.000 And the whole internet group are bringing all these cool people together.

01:44:37.000 And the positive energy that I get from all these people at shows and the positive reactions that I get.

01:44:42.000 So many people coming up to me and telling me that this podcast helps them think differently.

01:44:47.000 It changes the way they look at life.

01:44:49.000 It changes the way they view their friends.

01:44:51.000 It changes the way they view how they interact with other people.

01:44:54.000 You know, I couldn't be happier, man.

01:44:55.000 I couldn't be happier that we did this.

01:44:57.000 And this wouldn't have happened if I didn't give in and come back from Colorado.

01:45:01.000 If I decided to stay in Colorado, we would have never done this.

01:45:03.000 What about the idea of getting a female sidekick? 1.00

01:45:06.000 A female sidekick? 0.99

01:45:07.000 A whole?

01:45:08.000 A whole?

01:45:08.000 Mrs. Rogan's not really down with that.

01:45:13.000 Yeah.

01:45:13.000 Oh, did you hear that?

01:45:14.000 He slurped his coffee again, that fuck. 1.00

01:45:16.000 Spilling it all over your cock. 1.00

01:45:18.000 Yeah, if you hear slurping, man, that's me. 1.00

01:45:19.000 Blame me.

01:45:21.000 Yeah, you know, Adam Kroll had a really funny girl on his show.

01:45:24.000 He had Teresa Strasser for a while, and she was really funny, and now he's got this new chick.

01:45:27.000 And a lot of people on the Rogan board didn't like her, but I thought she was funny, man.

01:45:30.000 She made me laugh.

01:45:31.000 The crazy thing about that is he auditioned a few girls, like Esther, little Esther, went there and did it once.

01:45:36.000 Oh, that's how this girl got it? 0.99

01:45:37.000 Yeah, and I guess...

01:45:38.000 But what's crazy is if you go to his website and look at all the comments per episode, every single one of the girls that he did all hate.

01:45:48.000 His audience hates so bad any girl that's on his show.

01:45:53.000 I feel so bad.

01:45:54.000 Or Brody Stevens.

01:45:56.000 The girls in Brody.

01:45:57.000 Who is the new girl? 0.99

01:45:58.000 I think her name is Jessie or something like that. 0.51

01:46:02.000 I don't know.

01:46:03.000 I'm looking for it.

01:46:04.000 I'm going to look it right now because I feel rude that we're talking about her.

01:46:07.000 I'm not bringing her name up.

01:46:08.000 Yeah, that's going to be cool to have Adam Krolo on.

01:46:10.000 Yeah, he's going to be on this next week, next Tuesday.

01:46:15.000 And your formula that you've been working with on Onnit.com, O-N-N-I-T, it's almost done, it's on its way. 0.95

01:46:22.000 Did you read the case study?

01:46:25.000 Yeah.

01:46:25.000 That's pretty interesting.

01:46:26.000 Yeah, a lot of people...

01:46:27.000 Look, I've been taking 5-HTP, and I've had some pretty powerful results.

01:46:31.000 I feel like it makes sentences form easier.

01:46:34.000 I feel like there's more circulation in my brain or something.

01:46:36.000 I mean, I don't know what it is, but 5-HTP has given me a very tangible benefit.

01:46:41.000 And there's some other stuff that I took that gave me some good benefits as well.

01:46:44.000 But what we did, what Chris did, with this nootropic formula, it's called like alpha brainwave nootropic formula, I was going to call it.

01:46:51.000 What we did was take all of the best nootropics, which are nutrients for the brain, and condense them into, I think it's like two pills.

01:46:59.000 And all these people, the case studies, had some really positive experiences with it.

01:47:04.000 I'm excited.

01:47:04.000 It's all legit stuff.

01:47:06.000 It's all stuff that people have reported actually helps brain function.

01:47:10.000 We're going to combine it into one thing.

01:47:12.000 And I think nutrition and mental nutrition and physical nutrition, all of it, is one of the most underlooked keys to happiness for people. 0.98

01:47:20.000 I mean, we have a friend that got on antidepressants, and this motherfucker eats Cheetos every night and never works out. 0.95

01:47:26.000 And I was like, yo, dude, if you took care of that body, I guarantee you, you'd feel a little bit better. 0.99

01:47:30.000 I mean, I'm not saying you don't have an issue that maybe needs to be corrected chemically, because I'm not inside your head.

01:47:37.000 But I know for a fact, my own brain, if I didn't work out, I would not be nearly as happy. 0.99

01:47:42.000 I would have all this extra pent up shit. 0.98

01:47:44.000 You gotta get that out, man. 1.00

01:47:46.000 And you gotta treat this fucking vehicle good. 0.99

01:47:48.000 Give this vehicle vitamins, man. 1.00

01:47:50.000 I drink fresh squeezed juices every morning.

01:47:53.000 Every morning when I'm at home, I squeeze, I get ginger and raw garlic and carrots and celery. 0.94

01:47:58.000 And I blend it all together, and you feel so fucking good.

01:48:02.000 You're getting all those raw nutrients in your body. 0.98

01:48:05.000 I have a lot of friends who are very, very smart, but they almost think that there's something vain and trivial and foolish about taking care of your body. 0.92

01:48:16.000 They smoke cigarettes, or they eat shitty food, and they never exercise, they never take care of themselves. 0.80

01:48:22.000 It's like, man, you're missing out on a big chunk of life. 0.99

01:48:26.000 It's annoying.

01:48:27.000 It's annoying to have to go to the gym.

01:48:28.000 That's why it's good to learn a martial art or it's good to pick up a sport or racquetball or something where you're forced to move around, where it's fun, it's part of the whole game.

01:48:37.000 But find some way. 1.00

01:48:39.000 Find some way to take care of your fucking body. 1.00

01:48:40.000 Find some fucking way, man. 1.00

01:48:42.000 Take some fucking vitamins, even if it's just multivitamins and fish oil. 1.00

01:48:46.000 Even if it's just that, that will make a fucking difference. 1.00

01:48:49.000 And so many people don't, man. 0.98

01:48:51.000 So many people just ride it out and they just hope it all is going to fucking stay together.

01:48:55.000 I switched my 5-HTP to Chris's brand, which is called Roll On or Roll Over.

01:49:00.000 I can't remember which one it is.

01:49:01.000 It's the blue bottle.

01:49:02.000 And it's great, too.

01:49:04.000 It's 175 milligrams, I think it was.

01:49:07.000 Do you feel a difference after taking 5-HTP? I've been taking it for over a month, and that and the resveratrol, I think, are two of the best things I take.

01:49:16.000 I mean, I take fish oil and a multivitamin every day, but I think those two are the things that I've noticed the biggest from. 0.97

01:49:22.000 How much do you think cigarettes fuck with you? 0.99

01:49:25.000 Oh, a lot. 1.00

01:49:26.000 Definitely.

01:49:26.000 Yeah?

01:49:27.000 Yeah.

01:49:27.000 Does it bother you, though, that you're doing that, that you're poisoning yourself with cigarettes?

01:49:30.000 Because I've seen you before, dude.

01:49:32.000 There's times that I've seen you when you're smoking a lot, where you take on, like, you have a gray quality to your face.

01:49:38.000 Yeah, I say that.

01:49:39.000 It's almost like...

01:49:39.000 I'm serious, man.

01:49:40.000 When you quit, your face became pinker.

01:49:42.000 You know what that is?

01:49:43.000 I have a gray beard.

01:49:45.000 No, that's not what it is.

01:49:46.000 And if I shave, it's gray for the first three days.

01:49:49.000 No, man.

01:49:50.000 I mean, like, your eyes.

01:49:53.000 Like, around your eyes.

01:49:55.000 There's something about smoking.

01:49:57.000 There's something about a lot of that cigarette smoke in your system where your whole system looks like...

01:50:04.000 It looks like your whole system is being poisoned slowly.

01:50:10.000 Well, it is. 1.00

01:50:11.000 Why don't you fucking quit? 1.00

01:50:12.000 Crazy bitch. 1.00

01:50:14.000 I will. 1.00

01:50:15.000 You won't?

01:50:16.000 No.

01:50:16.000 What makes you say you're going to quit?

01:50:18.000 Wait for the first stroke.

01:50:19.000 The best part, is that what it's going to do?

01:50:21.000 Are you going to go vegan?

01:50:22.000 Follow my grandfather's.

01:50:23.000 Go completely, your grandfather had a stroke?

01:50:25.000 Yeah, from smoking.

01:50:26.000 Really?

01:50:27.000 Yeah.

01:50:27.000 Oh, look at you.

01:50:28.000 Living smart.

01:50:29.000 Yeah.

01:50:30.000 It was like 65. Oh, so you feel like you've got a few years.

01:50:34.000 Yeah, okay.

01:50:35.000 Well, isn't there like a point of no return, like where you've done so much damage that you can never heal yourself up?

01:50:41.000 No, I mean, well, to a point, if you get cancer, obviously, but I mean, there's a chart, I think, like, after a year, you're pretty much back to normal.

01:50:48.000 Really?

01:50:49.000 Your lung capacity and all that stuff.

01:50:50.000 There's actually a thing where, like, if you quit the first week, the first day, the first month...

01:50:54.000 What keeps you from quitting?

01:50:55.000 I mean, you've taken those nicotine patches, can't you just jam those?

01:50:58.000 Yeah, I mean, it's just doing it.

01:50:59.000 I mean, seriously, smoking.

01:51:02.000 See, I wish you could tell the addiction part of it.

01:51:05.000 I wish I could, too, because Maren's complaining about it all the time. 0.99

01:51:07.000 He's always on his Twitter talking about putting nicotine patches on shit. 0.99

01:51:10.000 It's always going to be there. 1.00

01:51:11.000 Like, that voice in the back of your head, even if you quit, is still there.

01:51:14.000 Joey's in denial.

01:51:15.000 Joey likes to pretend he's not smoking.

01:51:17.000 Yeah.

01:51:17.000 You know me, dog.

01:51:18.000 I don't need that shit. 1.00

01:51:19.000 Meanwhile, every time before a show, he's bumming cigarettes off you, right? 1.00

01:51:22.000 Yeah.

01:51:23.000 I always have to buy two packs every time I'm hanging out with him.

01:51:26.000 Helium gave me some cigars. 1.00

01:51:27.000 Helium's the shit. 1.00

01:51:28.000 I fucking love it there. 1.00

01:51:29.000 Yeah. 0.97

01:51:30.000 Two Heliums we did this month, Portland and Philly. 0.92

01:51:33.000 Both of them were fucking awesome.

01:51:34.000 For those folks that are interested in the Massey Hall in Toronto show, the only tickets that are left are like single tickets. 0.90

01:51:41.000 But...

01:51:42.000 You know, man, if you want to go...

01:51:44.000 Sit in separate seats.

01:51:45.000 Yeah, sit in separate seats or, you know, get people to move or something. 0.99

01:51:49.000 Who the fuck knows, man? 0.99

01:51:49.000 Just go and have fun. 0.99

01:51:50.000 It's going to be chaos.

01:51:52.000 And I'm doing it with Sam Tripoli.

01:51:53.000 But other than that, it's sold out.

01:51:55.000 And for the June 11th...

01:51:57.000 I think it's, what is the date?

01:51:59.000 By the way, Sam Tripoli got a faux hawk going on now.

01:52:02.000 Really?

01:52:02.000 Yeah, he saved his head.

01:52:03.000 Silly bastard. 1.00

01:52:04.000 Sam Tripoli's awesome. 0.99

01:52:06.000 And he'll be opening for me in, I said June.

01:52:10.000 He's so excited about it, too.

01:52:12.000 He's like, I'll never play a bigger show than this, ever.

01:52:14.000 He's going crazy.

01:52:16.000 And by the way, San Francisco is May 12th through the May 14th, and that's at Cobb's Comedy Club.

01:52:21.000 Yeah, June 10th is the Vancouver date, and April 29th is the Toronto date.

01:52:28.000 And April 29th, like I said, there's only a few tickets left.

01:52:30.000 And then the other thing is Cobbs in San Francisco, yeah, it's already selling very fast, 12th through the 14th.

01:52:37.000 Is that a full Dev Squad?

01:52:38.000 Who's going there?

01:52:39.000 Yeah, probably.

01:52:40.000 Whoever's around.

01:52:41.000 You know, Joey and Ari can do it.

01:52:42.000 You know how we do it?

01:52:43.000 It's like Ari's getting a bunch of headline gigs now, which is very nice.

01:52:47.000 Yeah, Ari's headlining all over the place. 1.00

01:52:49.000 He's doing...

01:52:50.000 He's doing comedy competitions, or, you know, comedy festivals.

01:52:54.000 He just got back from Atlanta, and he goes, I realized something.

01:52:59.000 I was like, why does this feel so weird?

01:53:00.000 And then someone said, because you're the most famous comic here.

01:53:04.000 He's like, oh, I'm not comfortable with that.

01:53:05.000 And I go, you're not comfortable with that because that's responsibility.

01:53:08.000 You feel, like, responsible for, like, the young pucks?

01:53:10.000 You know, like, is that what it feels like?

01:53:12.000 He's like, yeah, that is what it is.

01:53:13.000 I go, you shy away from every responsibility possible.

01:53:17.000 You know, even being, like, the most famous comedian, like, Don't look to me.

01:53:20.000 I don't know nothing.

01:53:20.000 I'm going to get out of here.

01:53:21.000 And he just runs away.

01:53:23.000 That dude should be so much bigger.

01:53:25.000 He's going to be.

01:53:25.000 I was talking to Mary Carey when we had her on the podcast.

01:53:28.000 And she was talking about how she saw you and Ari.

01:53:30.000 And she's just like, what's that guy's name?

01:53:32.000 Ari Shafir. 0.83

01:53:33.000 He was so fucking hilarious. 0.97

01:53:34.000 I'm like, wow. 0.98

01:53:35.000 You knew his name offhand.

01:53:36.000 Well, we talked to her for like five hours on the plane, too.

01:53:39.000 But yeah, she did remember his name.

01:53:40.000 Yeah, I mean, look, it's tough these days for a comic to get notoriety just for their stand-up.

01:53:46.000 You know, you have to get on something where people see you.

01:53:50.000 There's just so much entertainment value.

01:53:52.000 You know, you have to have a Comedy Central special.

01:53:53.000 You have to have something. 0.96

01:53:55.000 And Ari's at a bit of a disadvantage, just like Joey is, in that they're both ruthlessly dirty, you know, which is really hilarious, but it's hard to clean that shit up for, you know, a seven-minute spot at Live at Gotham or something like that, you know. 0.94

01:54:07.000 It was always hard for me, too, when I first started out, to clean it up for a 10-minute set or a 7-minute set. 0.94

01:54:14.000 7-minute sets are hard in the first place because it's like just getting a joke out. 0.71

01:54:18.000 It's like, fuck, when you want to do a set, you want to open up, get their respect, get some laughs, and then slowly settle into your view of things. 0.98

01:54:27.000 But you can't do that in 10 minutes, man. 1.00

01:54:29.000 In 10 minutes, you've got to slam them with some shit and then just get the fuck out of there. 1.00

01:54:33.000 And that... 1.00

01:54:34.000 That's something that Ari hasn't done yet. 0.99

01:54:36.000 He hasn't really, really knocked one out of the park and then got a half an hour Comedy Central special and then got an hour Comedy Central special.

01:54:42.000 And he doesn't do enough updating on his website either.

01:54:45.000 He's, I mean, you know, I was...

01:54:48.000 Look, I've had a website since 1998, and there's thousands of blog entries.

01:54:52.000 And I'm a busy guy.

01:54:54.000 You've got to write things.

01:54:55.000 You've got to give people things.

01:54:56.000 Like Twitter. 1.00

01:54:56.000 Look, I write a lot of shit on Twitter. 1.00

01:54:58.000 It's like, hey, the podcast is about to start. 1.00

01:55:00.000 Or, hey, I'm about to do this gig.

01:55:02.000 Or, hey, come see me here.

01:55:03.000 But a lot of the rest of it is just me writing things that I think are funny and interesting.

01:55:08.000 Or some link that somebody sent me that's interesting.

01:55:10.000 I'm retweeting it.

01:55:11.000 I want it entertaining.

01:55:13.000 I want to make sure it's entertaining.

01:55:15.000 Because...

01:55:15.000 It's a part of that whole system of promoting yourself, of getting yourself out there, of being able to work.

01:55:22.000 And Ari hasn't really embraced that.

01:55:24.000 He embraced the Twitter a little bit.

01:55:26.000 He writes funny tweets every now and then, but he needs to be real proactive, like his website.

01:55:31.000 It's not like he's got a wife and kids and a job and an excuse to not be doing all this stuff, you know?

01:55:35.000 But at least he's doing his podcast on your Death Squad network.

01:55:38.000 And it's the skeptic tank, if you're looking for it.

01:55:41.000 That's what Ari calls it. 1.00

01:55:42.000 It's really good.

01:55:43.000 And I've been on it.

01:55:44.000 Mayhem Miller's been on it.

01:55:46.000 He had...

01:55:46.000 Was Steve on his?

01:55:47.000 No, no, that was on the night show. 0.75

01:55:50.000 Mayhem, they're on their death squads.

01:55:52.000 Just go on iTunes and subscribe to Death Squad.

01:55:53.000 It has Ari's, it has Sam Tripoli's podcast.

01:55:56.000 Tom Segura, who was on yesterday, they're all grouped into one podcast.

01:55:59.000 Yeah, and think about that, man.

01:56:00.000 You would have never thought you'd be doing something like that.

01:56:03.000 Yeah.

01:56:03.000 I mean, how crazy is that?

01:56:05.000 You know what's weird is the whole thing is that when I was in middle school or something like a high school, freshman in high school, you had a shadow of the day job where you picked what you wanted to be when you grew up and you shadowed them for a day.

01:56:17.000 Right, right, right.

01:56:18.000 So I shadowed a radio station because I wanted to be a radio DJ.

01:56:21.000 And I shadowed the Morning Zoo, WNCI 97.9.

01:56:24.000 It was the day Buster Douglas won.

01:56:26.000 And they had Buster Douglas on the radio station.

01:56:28.000 I think I've talked about this before.

01:56:30.000 Yeah, a long time ago.

01:56:31.000 Yeah.

01:56:31.000 But it was crazy because we actually...

01:56:33.000 When Buster Douglas knocked out Tyson.

01:56:34.000 Yeah.

01:56:34.000 We were actually in Columbus, Ohio when we did your DVD special and we were on that radio show and the guy was still working as a DJ. And I was like, you know what?

01:56:42.000 You were the guy when I was a kid that I hung out with this guy all day.

01:56:47.000 He took me to breakfast, took me to lunch, and now look at this.

01:56:51.000 It's like I'm an adult and you're still here.

01:56:52.000 That's weird.

01:56:54.000 Adult, you're still here.

01:56:55.000 That's weird.

01:56:56.000 Yeah, no, it's interesting what podcasting has become.

01:57:01.000 You know, Ariel Helwani and I, I did his podcast yesterday and I did it through Skype, which is pretty badass.

01:57:07.000 I did the video portion of it through Skype and I just used the microphone and listened to the headsets and I'm like, this is crazy.

01:57:14.000 And we're doing it in real time and it sounds awesome.

01:57:16.000 It sounded really crystal clear.

01:57:17.000 It sounded great.

01:57:20.000 It's a different world, man.

01:57:21.000 We live in a different world.

01:57:23.000 And we got lucky.

01:57:24.000 We snuck in right on the ground floor.

01:57:27.000 Totally never expected that.

01:57:29.000 I remember all these other people were doing podcasts at the time because I did Adam Carolla's podcast way before I even moved to Colorado.

01:57:36.000 I had done it, and I still hadn't done my own.

01:57:38.000 Well, it's podcasts in general.

01:57:39.000 It's weird how they used to be popular four years ago, when they first came out, and iPods just first came out, or whatever.

01:57:45.000 It was huge.

01:57:48.000 Who were the huge ones back then?

01:57:50.000 I remember Kevin Rose and all those guys from Tech TV. Is he the guy that started Dig?

01:57:56.000 Yeah.

01:57:56.000 Same guy?

01:57:57.000 Same guy.

01:57:57.000 Kevin Rose, yeah.

01:57:58.000 Crazy bastard. 1.00

01:57:59.000 Follow him. 1.00

01:58:00.000 He's got some ideas. 0.93

01:58:00.000 Well, now he's not with Dig anymore, and everyone's pissed because he pretty much Dig's supposedly gone to shit since he left, and everyone's mad at him, I guess. 0.93

01:58:08.000 That's what I've heard. 0.89

01:58:09.000 Oh, Kevin.

01:58:10.000 I haven't been following him.

01:58:11.000 I like Dig still.

01:58:11.000 I use Dig all the time.

01:58:12.000 I like Dig, yeah.

01:58:13.000 Dig.com, if you've never been, is an excellent portal for interesting stories.

01:58:17.000 Yeah.

01:58:18.000 There's always, like, I will scroll through the first four or five pages, and...

01:58:22.000 Every time I do it, you know, there's always something interesting that pops up.

01:58:25.000 That's where I got that Dilbert story.

01:58:27.000 And, you know, there's always Charlie Sheen asking for custody of his twins. 0.98

01:58:30.000 Oh, that's the fucking perfect thing to happen right now. 0.99

01:58:34.000 At the end of the podcast, for this goddamn phone to ring because I never turn it off. 0.99

01:58:42.000 Malibu. 0.99

01:58:43.000 Malibu, PA. Malibu, please.

01:58:47.000 Malibu, California.

01:58:50.000 Sorry ladies and gentlemen for that. 0.99

01:58:52.000 That's sort of an inside joke on this podcast that I'm a retard and I never turn my fucking phone off. 0.94

01:58:57.000 The real problem is I'm always usually on the phone right up until the time we start, and there's a bunch of them, and they're cordless, you know, so they're all floating around. 0.99

01:59:04.000 I never know where the fuck they are, and I usually just pull the plug out of the wall. 0.96

01:59:08.000 I did it yesterday. 0.99

01:59:10.000 I actually plugged it back in right before the show today because I had to make a call. 0.99

01:59:15.000 You don't give a fuck, and I wouldn't either. 0.98

01:59:17.000 The point is we've done this for 100 episodes now. 0.99

01:59:21.000 Give me some knuckles. 0.95

01:59:22.000 We had a good time.

01:59:23.000 Red Band and I have...

01:59:26.000 We've more than surpassed our expectations.

01:59:29.000 I never had any going into it.

01:59:30.000 I don't think you did either.

01:59:31.000 No.

01:59:32.000 Never thought it would be like this.

01:59:33.000 I thought this was actually going to last a month.

01:59:35.000 I thought you'd get sick of it in a month.

01:59:36.000 That's the craziest thing about that, that you still do it.

01:59:41.000 I thought for sure.

01:59:42.000 I'm pretty good at doing things once I get started.

01:59:45.000 I'm pretty good at sticking to them.

01:59:46.000 Yeah.

01:59:48.000 When I realized it was crazy, when I realized that weird things was happening, was when I asked the crowd in Boston.

01:59:54.000 I did the Wilbur Theater.

01:59:55.000 The place was packed, sold out.

01:59:57.000 And Eddie Bravo was there.

01:59:59.000 And I yelled out to Eddie because I had my 10th Planet Jiu-Jitsu shirt on.

02:00:03.000 And I was like, 10th Planet in the house?

02:00:05.000 And I yelled out, how many guys listen to the podcast? 0.99

02:00:07.000 And they went fucking crazy. 0.99

02:00:09.000 It was like 90% of the crowd. 0.99

02:00:11.000 And I was like, whoa, really?

02:00:12.000 Really?

02:00:13.000 Really?

02:00:13.000 And then I realized, and I'm like, somewhere along the line, maybe that's why these crowds have been cooler lately.

02:00:18.000 Like, over the last, like, six months, the crowds have gotten noticeably cooler.

02:00:22.000 And they were always cool.

02:00:23.000 They were always cool.

02:00:24.000 There was always a huge percentage of cool people, but there was always people that didn't know what I was up to, and they were just, you know, something to do.

02:00:29.000 They were because of fear factor, or UFC, or whatever.

02:00:31.000 Yeah, Jamie Kennedy wasn't in town, so they went to see me.

02:00:33.000 You know what I mean?

02:00:33.000 It's like, they don't know what they're doing.

02:00:34.000 They're just wandering in there.

02:00:35.000 But now it's completely changed.

02:00:38.000 Like in Philly, the whole crowd, it's all podcast fans.

02:00:41.000 Because they find out about the show long before everybody else.

02:00:43.000 That show was sold out a month before we were ever there.

02:00:46.000 That's never happened to me before.

02:00:49.000 The best case scenario was the last time I was in Philly, which was a year ago.

02:00:53.000 We sold it all out just before I got there.

02:00:56.000 But this was sold out way before that.

02:01:00.000 And you did an extra show.

02:01:02.000 You did more shows. 1.00

02:01:03.000 Shut the fuck up! 1.00

02:01:04.000 God damn it! 1.00

02:01:06.000 Who is this again? 0.99

02:01:07.000 Same thing. 0.99

02:01:08.000 I don't give a fuck about them. 0.99

02:01:11.000 That's how I roll. 0.99

02:01:12.000 Alright, ladies and gentlemen.

02:01:13.000 At that note, I apologize for the phone.

02:01:16.000 This won't happen after episode 100. I'm going to have that shit straightened out. 0.98

02:01:20.000 I'm going to fix it. 0.98

02:01:22.000 We will be back next week.

02:01:24.000 As we said, Adam Carolla is on on Tuesday.

02:01:27.000 I think we're probably going to do one either Wednesday or Thursday.

02:01:30.000 I don't know who.

02:01:31.000 I'm not going to trust already.

02:01:32.000 Duncan Trussell's coming on next week, too.

02:01:33.000 Yeah.

02:01:34.000 And Joey wants to come on next week, too.

02:01:35.000 You know, we should have Duncan and Joey.

02:01:37.000 We haven't had those combo together for a while.

02:01:39.000 That's a good combo.

02:01:40.000 That's a good combo.

02:01:41.000 Ladies and gentlemen, it's been an awesome 100 episodes.

02:01:43.000 We have enjoyed the fuck out of it.

02:01:45.000 We thank you very much.

02:01:46.000 Everybody that enjoyed it, we're so happy that you did.

02:01:49.000 And I appreciate all the Twitters.

02:01:51.000 I appreciate all the Facebook messages.

02:01:53.000 I appreciate everything.

02:01:54.000 Thank you very, very much. 0.98

02:01:55.000 You guys are the coolest motherfuckers on the planet. 0.95

02:01:57.000 Thank you to The Fleshlight for sponsoring the podcast. 0.97

02:01:59.000 If you go to JoeRogan.net, there's a Fleshlight link on the right-hand side.

02:02:03.000 If you click it and enter in the code name ROGAN, you would get 15% off the number one sex toy for men, and you can shoot loads, and it feels awesome.

02:02:15.000 All right, that's it, folks.

02:02:16.000 Thank you very much.

02:02:17.000 We'll see you soon. 0.99

02:02:18.000 Love you, bitches. 1.00

The Joe Rogan Experience - April 19, 2011

Joe Rogan Experience #100 - Brian Redban

Episode Stats

Summary

Transcript