The Joe Rogan Experience - September 04, 2017


Joe Rogan Experience #1007 - Ari Shaffir, Bert Kreischer & Tom Segura

Topics
Garth Brooks promos Thrill Hill whiskey throttle Alonzo Bowden motorcycles one-day decathlon-style event scram cam fat shaming running and workouts Salton Sea documentaries withdrawal pills hot yoga deaths Ozarks decathlon idea dread on airplane flights secret time fat competition Sober Octobers November fat shaming shit kundalini yoga no weed scramcam scram cam day drinking driving Corvette bet decathlon events peeing Camaro ZL1 review yoga pants Trocadero shows
Hosted by
Joe Rogan
Guests
Ari Shaffir Bert Kreischer Tom Segura
Mentioned
Bert Kreischer Dude Tito Tom Segura Doug Stanhope Powerful Jamie Jesus Christ Mickey Mantle Lance Armstrong Akihiro Gono Wilbur Stan Hope Ricardo Arona Eddie Griffin John Waters Bertie Bert Rolfer Wheeler Walker Jr. Angie Tribeca Donald Trump and 130 more
Joe Rogan Experience - Fight Companion - September 2, 2017 Joe Rogan Experience #1008 - Cody Garbrandt & Urijah Faber

Episode Stats


Length

4 hours and 4 minutes

Words per minute

205.36

Word count

50,265

Sentence count

7,395

Harmful content

Misogyny

167

sentences flagged

Toxicity

1,546

sentences flagged

Hate speech

101

sentences flagged


Summary

Summaries generated with gmurro/bart-large-finetuned-filtered-spotify-podcast-summ .

In this episode, the boys talk about Garth Brooks new album "Old Wheeler" and a few other things. Also, the guys talk about their favorite songs of the 20th century and some other random stuff. Also, we talk about a crazy crossdresser in Japan and the crazy things he did in school and how he got away with it. We also talk about some of the craziest things people have ever done in school, and some of our favorite songs from the 80's and 90's. We hope you enjoy this episode and don't forget to subscribe on your favorite streaming service so you don't miss the next episode! XOXO, Ben & Cody Logo by Courtney DeKorte. Theme by Mavus White. Music by PSOVOD and tyops. If you like what you hear, please HIT SUBSCRIBE and leave us a review on Apple Podcasts! Subscribe, Like, and Share on whatever platform you're listening to this podcast! We appreciate it! Cheers, Ben, Cody, and Mikayla. Thank you so much for being a part of the podcast and supporting the podcast, we really appreciate it. Love ya, bye! -P.S. We appreciate you guys. -Mavus, Cheers! -Chad, Jake, Bryce, Ben and Cody, Matt, Jacob, and the crew. <3 -A.J. & the crew at The Crew at the podcast. xoxo -PJ & the boys at the Ritz -Jon & the Crews. Mike & the team at The R&B Crew. XO -Jon and the R&J Crew -Ben & the R.B. Crew at S.A. -Jake & the rest of the R & JB Crew Thank ya, Jake and the rest at the Backcountry Crew. -Jonah and the boys. . -J. & the guys at the B&R Crew at P&B . . Jake, Jake & the band at the boys -B. and the gang at the P&C. , Jake at the bar at the club, and all at the coffee shop in the bar next to The R & B. at the park & all the other places in the back of the bar in the park.

Transcript

Transcripts from "The Joe Rogan Experience" are sourced from the Knowledge Fight Interactive Search Tool. Explore them interactively here.
Misogyny classifications generated with MilaNLProc/bert-base-uncased-ear-misogyny .
Toxicity classifications generated with s-nlp/roberta_toxicity_classifier .
Hate speech classifications generated with facebook/roberta-hate-speech-dynabench-r4-target .
Topics generated with Qwen2.5-3B-Instruct.
Hosts, guests, and mentioned names generated with spaCy (en_core_web_sm), reconciled against Wikidata.
00:00:01.000 Have you had him on?
00:00:03.000 Who?
00:00:03.000 Wheeler?
00:00:04.000 Oh no.
00:00:05.000 I had my punch drunk.
00:00:07.000 And we're live.
00:00:10.000 You can't tell everybody.
00:00:12.000 There's a lot of people that don't know.
00:00:16.000 People get mad when they find out Wheeler's real name.
00:00:20.000 We had a conversation, me and him, and then in the middle he goes, Hey, this is Ben talking.
00:00:27.000 He might be going crazy.
00:00:29.000 But I know that guy too.
00:00:30.000 Yeah, I know both of them.
00:00:31.000 They're different dudes.
00:00:32.000 Yeah, they are different dudes.
00:00:33.000 He comes on my podcast as Wheeler.
00:00:35.000 He's different than when he came on the podcast as the other fella.
00:00:38.000 I don't want to say the name.
00:00:40.000 He's been doing these promos where he does voice over a famous person.
00:00:46.000 So it's like Garth Brooks.
00:00:57.000 Tommy, you showed me the video he did.
00:01:02.000 It's Garth Brooks here.
00:01:03.000 I want to tell you about my new favorite record.
00:01:05.000 It's called Old Wheeler by Wheeler Walker Jr. I love blasting it here on my private jet.
00:01:10.000 I don't fly commercial anymore. 0.97
00:01:11.000 There's always a bunch of dumb crackers who want my autograph and want me to sing Low Places with them. 1.00
00:01:15.000 Fuck them. 1.00
00:01:16.000 I like being by myself. 1.00
00:01:17.000 You know? 1.00
00:01:18.000 Ain't got enough dick to go around. 1.00
00:01:20.000 That's the song I like. 1.00
00:01:21.000 You know, I sing that a lot. 1.00
00:01:22.000 Look at my dick. 0.99
00:01:23.000 So I'll see you guys later. 1.00
00:01:24.000 I'm Garth Brooks.
00:01:25.000 I'm fat. 0.95
00:01:28.000 I'm Garth Brooks, I'm fat!
00:01:31.000 At the bottom it says it's been retweeted by Garth Brooks.
00:01:36.000 Garth Brooks didn't retweet it!
00:01:40.000 That's him retweeting from Garth's account. 0.97
00:01:45.000 I ain't got enough dick to go over it. 0.99
00:01:47.000 When he makes that motion with his face, he's like... 0.99
00:01:50.000 This is a call to Garth Brooks.
00:01:51.000 This is a call to find out how cool you are.
00:01:53.000 You should retweet that. 1.00
00:01:55.000 That shit is hilarious. 1.00
00:01:55.000 You should definitely retweet that shit. 1.00
00:01:57.000 Repost that on Instagram, Garth. 1.00
00:01:58.000 That shit's hilarious. 0.99
00:01:59.000 And I'm a Garth Brooks fan. 1.00
00:02:01.000 I don't give a fuck what anybody says. 0.98
00:02:02.000 I'm not... 0.99
00:02:03.000 How dare you?
00:02:05.000 We got friends in low places?
00:02:06.000 If that comes on, you don't get excited?
00:02:07.000 No, man, no.
00:02:08.000 What?
00:02:09.000 It's alright.
00:02:10.000 It's fine.
00:02:10.000 I listen in bar jam.
00:02:13.000 I'll listen to Country Boy Can't Survive.
00:02:16.000 I'll get fired up for that.
00:02:17.000 That's different.
00:02:17.000 I'll get fired up for that.
00:02:18.000 That's complete next level.
00:02:20.000 Wait, that's not Garth Brooks.
00:02:20.000 No, I'm making a point there.
00:02:22.000 I'll get excited about that.
00:02:23.000 That's a good song.
00:02:24.000 That's a killer song. 1.00
00:02:25.000 Fuck yeah, it is, dude. 1.00
00:02:28.000 When that song comes on, I want to fucking be in a pickup. 1.00
00:02:31.000 I want to drink beer. 0.98
00:02:32.000 I want to have a dip in. 0.99
00:02:33.000 I want to shoot somebody. 1.00
00:02:35.000 Hank Williams Jr., motherfucker. 1.00
00:02:37.000 That song is fantastic. 1.00
00:02:39.000 That was Matt Hughes' walkout song.
00:02:42.000 Yeah, that's right.
00:02:42.000 I had a fight for that.
00:02:44.000 Country Boy Can't Survive.
00:02:45.000 It's a great song.
00:02:47.000 That's a great walkout song, too.
00:02:49.000 That might be the best walkout song ever.
00:02:51.000 Oh, no.
00:02:52.000 It's Raining Men.
00:02:53.000 Who did that? 0.91
00:02:54.000 Me, if I ever fight.
00:02:56.000 Well, you know what?
00:02:57.000 Mickey Gulls might be the best.
00:03:00.000 He comes out to a moment.
00:03:02.000 Oh, Mickey, you're so fine.
00:03:03.000 You're so fine.
00:03:07.000 That might be the best.
00:03:09.000 I don't know.
00:03:11.000 To not take it seriously at all.
00:03:13.000 Legitimately hilarious that he comes out to that.
00:03:16.000 And he's a beautiful man. 1.00
00:03:18.000 Did he wear weird shit? 0.99
00:03:20.000 Like different pink stuff? 1.00
00:03:23.000 Someone did, right?
00:03:25.000 A bunch of guys have. 0.99
00:03:26.000 But I went to a fight once where some dude came out in a tutu or some shit. 0.98
00:03:31.000 What? 0.98
00:03:32.000 Yeah, he was wearing something girly and everybody was like... 1.00
00:03:35.000 He better win this shit, too. 1.00
00:03:38.000 Something like, I don't know, like a skirt or some shit. 1.00
00:03:40.000 The Pride Days, they did that. 0.96
00:03:41.000 They dressed like Lil Bo Peep? 0.99
00:03:42.000 Yeah.
00:03:43.000 And they walked up down the aisle, whatever? 1.00
00:03:44.000 Well, there was one dude who fought in K-1 who was a famous cross-dresser in Japan, and he was a bad motherfucker. 0.99
00:03:52.000 He wasn't necessarily a constant cross-dresser. 0.99
00:03:54.000 Yeah.
00:03:55.000 But occasionally he would dress up like a schoolgirl.
00:03:57.000 Yeah, it was cool.
00:03:58.000 What is this? 0.90
00:03:59.000 And this dude beat the fuck out of some people who underestimated him because he dressed up like a schoolgirl. 0.98
00:04:05.000 Seems like you can find that story. 0.99
00:04:07.000 Schoolgirl?
00:04:07.000 I remember it in like flashes.
00:04:08.000 He was a little more peep if I remember.
00:04:10.000 With an umbrella? 0.99
00:04:11.000 That's ballsy as shit though. 1.00
00:04:12.000 I was like, Japan, they go crazy. 1.00
00:04:14.000 Yeah, he did some weird shit where he dressed up like a female anime character or something. 0.98
00:04:18.000 I can't really remember entirely how the story went down. 0.97
00:04:21.000 But I remember he could fight.
00:04:23.000 And it was, like, super confusing for people.
00:04:25.000 Because he was knocking dudes dead. 0.99
00:04:27.000 And, you know, in the part-time he dresses up like a schoolgirl or whatever the fuck the outfit is. 0.99
00:04:32.000 That's the most psycho move you could do. 0.98
00:04:34.000 You guys UFC fight in a girl outfit. 0.81
00:04:37.000 Just do that.
00:04:37.000 I'm gonna fight you.
00:04:39.000 Yeah. 0.96
00:04:39.000 Yeah. 0.96
00:04:40.000 Like, come out with pigtails and shit, and just fuck somebody's world up. 1.00
00:04:44.000 And then lick your lollipop on the way out. 1.00
00:04:49.000 That's like, that would be like, the fucking Brutus the Barber beefcake shit. 1.00
00:04:56.000 That would be some next level mind game shit, like you're past all the aggression. 1.00
00:05:02.000 That's nonsense. 0.99
00:05:03.000 I'm pretending I'm a girl. 1.00
00:05:04.000 I'm gonna fuck you up, and I'm gonna pretend I'm a girl up until the moment I fuck you up. 1.00
00:05:08.000 Yeah. 1.00
00:05:08.000 Yeah, that's the polar opposite of what other dudes go for. 1.00
00:05:12.000 If you could pull that off, you'd be so relaxed in a fight.
00:05:16.000 Yeah. 0.99
00:05:16.000 If you could figure out how to act like a girl in front of a dude who's ready to beat the fuck out of you. 0.99
00:05:22.000 If they had an out-of-the-closet queenie gay in the UFC, but was super well-trained, that'd be the best. 1.00
00:05:29.000 That would be the best!
00:05:30.000 It's totally possible.
00:05:31.000 The post-fight interviews would be amazing.
00:05:33.000 Amazing.
00:05:33.000 Yeah.
00:05:34.000 It's completely...
00:05:35.000 Ow! 1.00
00:05:35.000 Why isn't there that? 1.00
00:05:36.000 It's completely possible.
00:05:39.000 Yeah.
00:05:40.000 Completely possible.
00:05:41.000 You're putting a call out to the universe right now for it.
00:05:43.000 Start training, queens!
00:05:44.000 Yeah.
00:05:45.000 You just gotta get a super queen. 1.00
00:05:48.000 Yeah.
00:05:48.000 You know?
00:05:49.000 Some, like, queen who's built like Czech Congo. 1.00
00:05:51.000 Yeah.
00:05:52.000 You know? 0.99
00:05:53.000 Just there to fuck people up, man. 1.00
00:05:55.000 Just there to smash people and get them to suck their dick. 1.00
00:05:57.000 Oh, shut up. 1.00
00:05:57.000 This is the Japanese guy. 1.00
00:06:00.000 Yeah.
00:06:01.000 Another little people umbrella.
00:06:03.000 UFC 94. Oh, no, no.
00:06:05.000 This is, uh, isn't this Ono?
00:06:07.000 Yeah.
00:06:09.000 Is this the one you saw, Tom?
00:06:10.000 No.
00:06:11.000 Yeah, it's Gono.
00:06:12.000 Gono, he was in Pride, though.
00:06:13.000 Yeah, yeah.
00:06:14.000 This is the UFC fight where he came and dressed like a girl, yeah.
00:06:18.000 Did a choreographed dance?
00:06:19.000 Oh, that's great.
00:06:20.000 Is this the one you're thinking of, or are you thinking about the Japanese guy?
00:06:22.000 No, the Japanese one, but this one I remember now.
00:06:24.000 He did a choreographed dance.
00:06:26.000 I forgot about this completely.
00:06:27.000 Did he win?
00:06:28.000 Jamie, this is a strong pull.
00:06:30.000 Strong selection by young Jamie.
00:06:32.000 He was good, right?
00:06:33.000 Dude, I don't remember this at all.
00:06:35.000 Did he win this fight?
00:06:36.000 I hope so.
00:06:38.000 I don't remember who Gono fought.
00:06:47.000 Akihiro Gono.
00:06:49.000 Yeah, he was like, uh...
00:06:51.000 Man, I think he was in Shudo.
00:06:53.000 He was definitely a Japanese star.
00:06:55.000 A lot of those guys, by the time they came to the United States, they had already been in so many wars.
00:07:00.000 They just weren't the same anymore.
00:07:02.000 Like Gomi. 1.00
00:07:03.000 Gomi wasn't the same anymore.
00:07:04.000 Sakurai wasn't the same anymore.
00:07:06.000 He's got heels on.
00:07:07.000 Yeah, look at this.
00:07:08.000 Wow!
00:07:08.000 Oh my god.
00:07:12.000 It's a good move, man.
00:07:13.000 Yeah.
00:07:14.000 It's a good move. 0.99
00:07:16.000 I'd like to be one of the side bitches. 1.00
00:07:18.000 Yeah. 0.99
00:07:19.000 I think they're well, well trained, too.
00:07:21.000 Oh, yeah?
00:07:21.000 I think that's probably his fight team or something.
00:07:23.000 Probably.
00:07:24.000 Oh.
00:07:35.000 Yeah, that's what I was saying, I guess, at the time of that fight.
00:07:38.000 That's Gono.
00:07:39.000 That's Gono.
00:07:39.000 Oh.
00:07:40.000 Akihiro Gono.
00:07:43.000 I like this dude checking him out.
00:07:45.000 It would help you relax.
00:07:45.000 He's biting his neck over here.
00:07:47.000 Oh yeah, I know that guy.
00:07:49.000 He's like, what?
00:07:51.000 It's probably seriously a good idea.
00:07:53.000 Hey man, you gotta take your dress off.
00:07:58.000 Hilarious.
00:07:58.000 Take your heels off too.
00:07:59.000 He fought John Fitch.
00:08:01.000 I do not think he won.
00:08:02.000 I think he got beat down.
00:08:03.000 John Fitch had a super long win streak right around then.
00:08:06.000 Yep.
00:08:07.000 I think that was before John fought GSP for the title.
00:08:10.000 Yeah.
00:08:11.000 I think he tied the record for most wins and they hadn't given him a title shot and like, oh, that's ridiculous.
00:08:15.000 Is that who he's fighting on that card?
00:08:17.000 Is it John Fitch?
00:08:17.000 I was looking and then I came across this other entrance.
00:08:21.000 Is this him again?
00:08:23.000 I wonder what year this was.
00:08:25.000 I'm trying to remember when the UFC brought back the 155-pound title.
00:08:30.000 Because for a long time, 170 was the lightest weight you could fight.
00:08:33.000 You've got to give this dude credit for his entrances.
00:08:35.000 There's a lot of thought put into this.
00:08:37.000 He obviously does a lot of work behind it.
00:08:39.000 Mayhem Miller had a great one once. 0.99
00:08:41.000 He had a bunch of dancers behind him and shit. 1.00
00:08:43.000 He had a whole choreographed entrance when he fought in Pride. 0.99
00:08:46.000 Yeah.
00:08:46.000 I like that.
00:08:47.000 Yeah, me too. 0.97
00:08:48.000 I thought Mayweather was so ridiculous. 0.99
00:08:49.000 He always had ridiculous entrances. 0.99
00:08:51.000 I don't know what was up with his ski mask. 0.96
00:08:53.000 What was that?
00:08:55.000 He's stealing money?
00:08:57.000 Anybody who ever questions whether or not Mayhem was a good fighter?
00:09:00.000 Because, you know, Mayhem had some hard times.
00:09:03.000 Getting a little nutty lately.
00:09:04.000 Yeah.
00:09:05.000 But if you go back to when Mayhem fought Sakurai.
00:09:08.000 No, not Sakurai.
00:09:09.000 Sakuraba in Pride.
00:09:12.000 Dude, he smashed Sakuraba.
00:09:14.000 Smashed him.
00:09:14.000 Went right through him and submitted him.
00:09:16.000 Really?
00:09:16.000 Woo!
00:09:17.000 Yeah.
00:09:18.000 Pull it up, Jamie.
00:09:19.000 See if you can find it.
00:09:19.000 It's a very impressive fight.
00:09:20.000 What's the one he lost in disqualification?
00:09:22.000 Mayhem?
00:09:23.000 Yeah.
00:09:23.000 In the UFC or where?
00:09:24.000 No, Pride.
00:09:25.000 In Pride?
00:09:25.000 Did he lose one by disqualification?
00:09:27.000 Boy, I don't remember that.
00:09:29.000 Did he?
00:09:30.000 I don't know.
00:09:30.000 I didn't see it.
00:09:31.000 It was like on his record.
00:09:32.000 This is his dream, man.
00:09:33.000 Oh, this was dream.
00:09:34.000 This wasn't pride.
00:09:35.000 Oh, wow, that's great. 1.00
00:09:37.000 A bunch of schoolgirls and outfits and ties and shit. 1.00
00:09:39.000 Asian schoolgirls. 1.00
00:09:40.000 Come on, how do you not love this?
00:09:41.000 It's hilarious.
00:09:42.000 Oh, that's awesome.
00:09:44.000 You know, Mayhem's had some tough times, but he's always been cool to me.
00:09:48.000 I like that guy.
00:09:49.000 I like him a lot.
00:09:50.000 I see him.
00:09:50.000 He comes out to my shows when I do Irvine.
00:09:52.000 He's a good man.
00:09:53.000 He's a great guy.
00:09:53.000 I mean, he's got some problems and, you know, he was always...
00:09:57.000 He's always an extraordinarily nutty dude.
00:10:00.000 He did the MTV show for a while, right? 0.99
00:10:02.000 By the way, I ended up binge-watching that one day and watching dudes fuck up guys who don't know how to fight. 0.97
00:10:07.000 Believe me, that was amazing. 0.97
00:10:09.000 Dude, you know what?
00:10:09.000 I remember one time, when we were in Australia for fights years ago, Rampage was there and I guess those two are good friends.
00:10:19.000 So I was going from like different areas in like this mini group with Rampage and every time somebody wanted a picture with him, they put their arm around his shoulder and every time he would throw their arm off. 0.98
00:10:34.000 And he's like, get your fucking arm off me.
00:10:37.000 And they were like, okay, then they'd be like scared for their picture like, huh, like that. 0.99
00:10:41.000 So we're going like... 0.99
00:10:42.000 Get your fucking arm off me. 1.00
00:10:45.000 That was Rampage? 1.00
00:10:46.000 That was Rampage, yeah. 0.99
00:10:47.000 By the way, I let people pinch my nipples in pictures with me. 0.98
00:10:50.000 Rampage doesn't plug, dude. 0.93
00:10:51.000 So I'm sitting like, so I've witnessed that like ten times, and then we moved to like some bar somewhere, and it's, you know, there's like, I don't know if it's like roped off, people over here, there's a lot of people in the place, but it's like a small group like this, and Rampage is here, and Mayhem comes up,
00:11:07.000 and I don't know that they know each other, I don't know the relationship, and he immediately grabs him by the throat, like Mayhem, and he goes like, ah! 0.99
00:11:14.000 I'm gonna fucking kill you! 0.99
00:11:15.000 But for a split second, I saw, like, all this just split, like, violence come into Randall's eyes. 1.00
00:11:23.000 Like, he was about to fucking murder someone. 0.98
00:11:25.000 And then I saw it disappear. 1.00
00:11:26.000 He saw him, he was like, you crazy-ass white boy. 0.99
00:11:28.000 But, like, for a quick second, he turned, like, just to break him in half. 0.99
00:11:32.000 And I was like, huh!
00:11:34.000 It's more terrifying than any fight I've seen, man.
00:11:37.000 Rampage is a beast.
00:11:38.000 Yeah. 0.86
00:11:39.000 That cinder block on his shoulders, too. 1.00
00:11:41.000 That head is so fucking... 1.00
00:11:42.000 He hit so hard. 0.99
00:11:44.000 Rampage had some epic fights in Pride, too, before he ever even came to the UFC. He has the all-time greatest slam knockout ever.
00:11:52.000 Oh, yeah.
00:11:53.000 All-time greatest.
00:11:54.000 In the triangle?
00:11:55.000 Yeah.
00:11:56.000 In a triangle.
00:11:57.000 Smashes him down to the ground. 1.00
00:11:59.000 What the fuck was the guy's name? 0.99
00:12:00.000 But he fought. 0.99
00:12:01.000 Very good, uh...
00:12:02.000 Rampage was in a triangle?
00:12:03.000 Yeah.
00:12:04.000 Ricardo Arona.
00:12:04.000 And he stood up.
00:12:05.000 He fought Arona. 1.00
00:12:06.000 Shut the fuck up. 1.00
00:12:06.000 And the guy still had his legs around him. 1.00
00:12:08.000 He just picked him up and then BAM! Yeah, this is like...
00:12:12.000 Is it here?
00:12:13.000 Yeah, this is...
00:12:13.000 And knocks him out?
00:12:14.000 The dude went for the triangle, but he was elevated.
00:12:18.000 And like, watch, go find the video.
00:12:20.000 So in the video, he went for the triangle and Rampage elevated, like he lifted him up, and the dude held onto the triangle, which you just can't do.
00:12:28.000 You gotta let it go at this point.
00:12:29.000 See, when he's up like that, you gotta let go of the triangle.
00:12:31.000 Oh my god!
00:12:32.000 Bam! 0.98
00:12:32.000 And he gets slammed KO'd. 0.98
00:12:34.000 He's the greatest slam KO ever in the history of sport.
00:12:36.000 And he had him around.
00:12:37.000 Watch this, look at this.
00:12:38.000 It's like a pillow.
00:12:40.000 Blam! 0.78
00:12:40.000 Dude, that is a ferocious slam. 0.78
00:12:42.000 Yeah, it looks like he headbutted his face.
00:12:44.000 Yep, he did.
00:12:45.000 And he actually got his eyebrow cut.
00:12:47.000 I mean, this dude was just knocked dead.
00:12:49.000 Watch this.
00:12:50.000 On the way down, watch.
00:12:51.000 Let go right there. 0.89
00:12:52.000 Right.
00:12:53.000 Bam! 0.98
00:12:54.000 Yeah. 0.99
00:12:55.000 I mean, he just got fucking KO-ed. 0.98
00:12:59.000 This is the worst slam I've ever seen in my life out of all my years of watching fights. 0.98
00:13:04.000 God.
00:13:05.000 Yeah, I've never seen anything.
00:13:07.000 Never seen anything more brutal.
00:13:08.000 Man, I would love to see him do that to Burt.
00:13:11.000 Why Burt?
00:13:12.000 Just to see it.
00:13:13.000 Just to see it.
00:13:14.000 Burt can't take that kind of impact, man.
00:13:16.000 No human can.
00:13:17.000 Arona was never the same.
00:13:18.000 No more tickets, man.
00:13:19.000 For real.
00:13:21.000 Arona was never the same after that fight.
00:13:23.000 Really?
00:13:23.000 Never.
00:13:23.000 Arona was like a serious contender before that fight.
00:13:26.000 Tate slammed me once in that gym that was downtown.
00:13:28.000 They had a little Octagon, one of the t-shirt companies.
00:13:31.000 The tap out place?
00:13:32.000 No, the one that Anderson's manager.
00:13:33.000 Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:13:34.000 Black House.
00:13:35.000 Yeah.
00:13:35.000 Yeah.
00:13:36.000 And I was like, show me what a slam looks like.
00:13:37.000 I'll do a light one.
00:13:38.000 Yeah, I was out for a long time.
00:13:40.000 You were?
00:13:40.000 Yeah.
00:13:41.000 Knocked out.
00:13:42.000 I mean, like, I couldn't move right.
00:13:44.000 Oh, really?
00:13:44.000 He picked you up?
00:13:45.000 He's like, that's just a light, like, slam.
00:13:48.000 Yeah, you gotta learn how to fall before you do that.
00:13:50.000 Well, I like how not to.
00:13:52.000 Yeah, you gotta kind of, as you're going back, you kind of, like, relax and kind of slap the mat to dissipate some of the energy from the impact.
00:13:58.000 Oh, really?
00:13:58.000 Ever watch Judo, guys?
00:14:00.000 They roll, and as they're rolling back, they slap the mat.
00:14:03.000 It's like a big thing. 0.99
00:14:03.000 Sounds loud as shit. 0.99
00:14:04.000 Yeah. 1.00
00:14:05.000 Yeah.
00:14:05.000 Yeah, it literally helps relieve some of the energy of you hitting the ground.
00:14:09.000 It's also like relaxing, knowing how to roll. 0.98
00:14:12.000 Dude, it saved my ass when I crashed a bike. 0.94
00:14:15.000 I was doing this scene in this Kevin James movie. 0.98
00:14:17.000 I haven't ridden a bike since I was a kid.
00:14:19.000 I don't know how to ride bikes anymore.
00:14:21.000 And in this scene, me and Kevin James are chasing each other, and I'm whipping him with this antenna or something like that, a flag.
00:14:28.000 And as I'm hitting him with this stick with the flag, I hit the brakes. 0.89
00:14:31.000 I hit the front brake.
00:14:33.000 It's my left hand.
00:14:34.000 I go, woo, over the top.
00:14:35.000 I did it like three times.
00:14:37.000 Dude, I did it like three times.
00:14:39.000 There's a... 0.97
00:14:41.000 That's ridiculous. 1.00
00:14:44.000 Yeah, it was such a dick movie. 0.99
00:14:45.000 And Kevin and I have known each other since we were like super early 20s, so it was like really fun, silly. 0.99
00:14:51.000 When your toes are clipped in. 0.99
00:14:52.000 Kevin likes shit like that, where you slip, like you don't get good on the bike. 0.99
00:14:56.000 Anyway, I crashed hardcore. 0.99
00:14:58.000 There's like a loop reel, if you could see me flying off the bike.
00:15:01.000 Really?
00:15:02.000 It was supposed to be a seam where I crashed.
00:15:04.000 You're just pressing the front brake?
00:15:05.000 Yeah, if you press the front brake, you're supposed to brake with the rear. 0.97
00:15:09.000 You're not supposed to brake with the front, but I'm holding the handlebar with my left side, and I'm hitting them like this, and I just hit that fucking thing and go over the top. 0.92
00:15:16.000 But then you braced yourself for the fall? 0.79
00:15:18.000 Yeah, but because I'm used to grappling and rolling around a lot, I was fine.
00:15:23.000 I just wiped out.
00:15:25.000 One time I went all the way over and I had to catch myself on my hands.
00:15:29.000 I went over the top. 0.99
00:15:30.000 I was like, ooh, this one might break some shit. 0.99
00:15:33.000 So you kept falling? 0.99
00:15:33.000 Yeah, you fell a couple times? 0.99
00:15:35.000 Oh yeah, it fell like three fucking times, man. 0.99
00:15:36.000 Yeah, it fell like three times. 0.99
00:15:38.000 Oh my god, Joe!
00:15:40.000 That was the bad one.
00:15:41.000 Joe!
00:15:42.000 Yeah.
00:15:43.000 Oh my god!
00:15:44.000 Your face goes into it.
00:15:46.000 Yeah.
00:15:46.000 Wow, you come right up.
00:15:48.000 Oh, your face hits the pavement. 1.00
00:15:50.000 Shit, man. 1.00
00:15:51.000 Yeah. 1.00
00:15:53.000 Dude, there's a couple of them.
00:15:55.000 That was only one.
00:15:56.000 One of them, I went and I flew off to the left and rolled in this, like, grass hillside.
00:16:03.000 I, like, wiped hard.
00:16:05.000 That was the one they wind up using in the movie.
00:16:08.000 Yeah, instead of having a stunt guy.
00:16:10.000 They had a stunt guy in a cushion, and he was gonna fly over the handlebars, but I just fucked it up on my own. 0.88
00:16:14.000 Poor stunt guy's watching you doing it, going, how am I gonna fucking top that? 0.93
00:16:17.000 No, the stunt guy was badass, actually.
00:16:19.000 He took one of those bikes, he actually knew how to ride, and he jumped an entire flight of stairs that leads down to the Boston Common.
00:16:27.000 They set up a ramp, and this dude comes whipping around the corner. 0.99
00:16:31.000 Those dudes are nuts, man. 1.00
00:16:32.000 My god damn. 1.00
00:16:33.000 They're crazy. 1.00
00:16:34.000 You fuck up there, you're breaking some shit. 1.00
00:16:36.000 Yeah. 1.00
00:16:37.000 Like, you're going to break some shit. 1.00
00:16:37.000 They do break shit regularly, man. 1.00
00:16:39.000 Their whole bodies are just crushed. 1.00
00:16:41.000 Dude, I could have broke some shit and I was going like three miles an hour or something. 0.98
00:16:44.000 If you're flying, there's another one. 0.99
00:16:51.000 See, I'm trying to...
00:16:53.000 Oh, you're really doing that with him?
00:16:54.000 Yeah, I'm really beating him.
00:16:55.000 Oh, that's the one that I did in Crash.
00:16:57.000 Oh, Jesus.
00:16:58.000 That was so tense.
00:16:59.000 Nothing happened.
00:16:59.000 Yeah, nothing happened.
00:17:01.000 What happened?
00:17:02.000 But, um...
00:17:03.000 Yeah, man. 1.00
00:17:04.000 Fuck all that. 1.00
00:17:06.000 Those guys are crazy. 1.00
00:17:07.000 Yeah, no, I don't want any part of that. 0.97
00:17:09.000 Those mountain bike dudes that do those...
00:17:11.000 You ever see those videos they put on a GoPro on their helmet and they freak you the fuck out?
00:17:14.000 They're on the tip of a mountain. 1.00
00:17:16.000 I don't like that shit. 1.00
00:17:16.000 And there's death to the right and death to the left. 1.00
00:17:19.000 That's horrible.
00:17:19.000 Just a real skinny line.
00:17:20.000 Oh my god, so many of them.
00:17:22.000 Why do you get your thrill from that? 1.00
00:17:23.000 What the fuck? 1.00
00:17:24.000 Oh, dude, just watching it, I get fucking excited. 1.00
00:17:26.000 I mean, I'd love to be able to do that shit. 0.99
00:17:28.000 Like bombing a hill on a skateboard, you ever done that? 1.00
00:17:31.000 Just going straight down?
00:17:31.000 Just bombing a hill.
00:17:33.000 I've done it recently, and there is a moment where you're like, oh, this is...
00:17:39.000 You can't stop.
00:17:39.000 How do you stop it?
00:17:40.000 It's called Thrill Hill, right by my house.
00:17:42.000 So I have a stick.
00:17:45.000 I paddleboard my skateboard.
00:17:47.000 No, but it's called Thrill Hill is what me and the girls call it. 0.92
00:17:50.000 How do you slow yourself down?
00:17:51.000 On a skateboard?
00:17:52.000 You jump off it and run.
00:17:53.000 Longboard?
00:17:54.000 No, this is on my shortboard.
00:17:56.000 You're doing it on a regular skateboard?
00:17:57.000 Because I like the wheels better.
00:17:58.000 So I have my stick, and I'm with the girls.
00:18:00.000 We're riding back from a party, and I go, hey, let's bomb through a hill.
00:18:03.000 And they're like, okay.
00:18:04.000 It's an open street?
00:18:05.000 Yeah, it's right by their school.
00:18:07.000 Dude.
00:18:08.000 It's like back, it's like back, it's like, you know.
00:18:10.000 Yeah, but what if?
00:18:11.000 No, I'm not going this fast.
00:18:13.000 Yeah, this is a video of me doing it.
00:18:14.000 Look at that guy.
00:18:14.000 Wow!
00:18:14.000 All right, how do you slow down, Bert?
00:18:16.000 How do you slow one of these things down?
00:18:16.000 I don't do this, Joe.
00:18:17.000 Okay, but how do you slow one of these things down?
00:18:19.000 These guys do it sideways.
00:18:21.000 They go sideways.
00:18:22.000 What do you do?
00:18:22.000 I jump off and start running.
00:18:24.000 What?
00:18:25.000 Or in this case...
00:18:26.000 What if you're going too fast?
00:18:27.000 That's what happened to me. 1.00
00:18:29.000 Did you eat shit? 1.00
00:18:31.000 I went flying. 1.00
00:18:33.000 I was dragging my stick because I didn't realize how steep it was because it's not this steep.
00:18:37.000 Oh my gosh.
00:18:38.000 Short sleeves.
00:18:39.000 It's still steep enough where...
00:18:40.000 Wait, hold on one second.
00:18:41.000 You know they do this on open roads like when cars are driving on the roads.
00:18:46.000 This kid is a wizard right here.
00:18:48.000 This kid is a wizard.
00:18:49.000 He's got gloves to pan with blocks.
00:18:50.000 For the people listening, we're watching this guy whiz down this hill, like masterfully on a skateboard.
00:18:56.000 What's his name?
00:18:56.000 He's got blocks on his...
00:18:57.000 What does it say?
00:18:59.000 Atlas Trucks.
00:19:00.000 Atlas Trucks, SoCal, Downhill, Longboarding.
00:19:02.000 Okay. 0.99
00:19:02.000 Fucking A, this guy's a wizard. 0.99
00:19:04.000 That looks awesome, but one of the reasons why- Sean Woolery is his name. 0.99
00:19:09.000 Sean Woolery.
00:19:10.000 Powerful Sean Woolery. 0.93
00:19:11.000 One of the reasons why it's so awesome is because the consequences of fucking up are so large. 0.91
00:19:15.000 There's a split second where you're going- and by the way, this hill is nothing. 0.98
00:19:18.000 And your girls did this? 1.00
00:19:20.000 On their bikes.
00:19:21.000 Totally doable.
00:19:21.000 Bikes are totally fine.
00:19:22.000 But on a skateboard- I just assumed I do it on the bike all the time and it's not that aggressive and I start going down this hill and I start picking up speed and I realize oh I just signed a contract that I can't renegotiate.
00:19:34.000 I'm going and I have my stick with me so I start dragging my stick and I'm just shredding the stick and then I'm like oh my god I've got a fucking because by the way When I do it, I usually go ahead of them and check the cross street to make sure there's no cars. 0.98
00:19:49.000 But I'm like, oh fuck, I didn't think this through. 0.97
00:19:51.000 So I jumped off and ran, blew out a flip-flop, ran out. 0.99
00:19:55.000 Wait, you had flip-flops on?
00:19:57.000 I had flip-flops on.
00:19:58.000 By the way, flip-flops, no shirt. 1.00
00:20:00.000 What the fuck, dude? 1.00
00:20:02.000 Oh, I would have fucking lit myself up. 1.00
00:20:04.000 Oh my god, a flip-flop? 0.99
00:20:06.000 You busted one?
00:20:07.000 I blew out the toe of a flip-flop.
00:20:09.000 But luckily, I have six pairs of this flip-flop because I love them so much.
00:20:13.000 And then you just ran out of it?
00:20:14.000 I ran out of it.
00:20:15.000 Barefoot?
00:20:15.000 Yeah, barefoot.
00:20:17.000 And then I was like...
00:20:17.000 And by the way, obviously, the rest of the trip home, one flip-flop, stick-shredded, is obviously all uphill.
00:20:25.000 So I'm just like, fucking... 0.98
00:20:27.000 Why did I think... 1.00
00:20:29.000 But when you're a kid, you do that.
00:20:30.000 I did much steeper as a kid, but it's just...
00:20:34.000 You didn't think it through, man.
00:20:35.000 No. 0.98
00:20:36.000 The problem is that the risk is so fucking monumental. 0.98
00:20:40.000 The risk is like end of life. 1.00
00:20:43.000 Oh, fuck! 1.00
00:20:45.000 Oh, dude. 1.00
00:20:48.000 Wait, he didn't trailer.
00:20:49.000 He gets off perfectly.
00:20:51.000 Yeah, that's what you have to do.
00:20:51.000 You have to jump off and run off it.
00:20:55.000 God damn, that was nasty. 1.00
00:20:57.000 Dude, when you get out of control like that. 1.00
00:20:59.000 Speed wobbles.
00:21:00.000 Dude, she got wiped. 0.87
00:21:01.000 The only thing worse than speed wobbles is whiskey throttle.
00:21:06.000 Like when it comes to speed, you know what whiskey throttle is?
00:21:08.000 No.
00:21:09.000 Whiskey throttle is when you punch it and you get scared and your natural reaction is to hold it punched.
00:21:15.000 Yeah.
00:21:15.000 That's your natural reaction.
00:21:16.000 I get that.
00:21:17.000 I do that all the time.
00:21:19.000 Yeah, when you want to punch it and break, but you're just like, wait, what am I pressing on?
00:21:22.000 Are you just going faster?
00:21:23.000 Yeah, you're like, why am I stopping?
00:21:24.000 Not stopping!
00:21:25.000 I'm going!
00:21:25.000 We took snowmobiles into a lake one time, and we had this guy Nacho, and he was the first guy to do it, and all they're saying is, when you turn, lean a certain way, and then you'll go the other way.
00:21:37.000 And so, okay, none of us have done this. 0.97
00:21:39.000 They're like, but you've got to keep it fast, and he punches it on the lake, and whiskey throttles it all the way across the lake into a fucking tree. 0.97
00:21:48.000 Dislocates his shoulder. 0.98
00:21:49.000 This is the guy showing you?
00:21:51.000 This is the guy I'm taking on a trip of a lifetime.
00:21:54.000 On trip flip.
00:21:56.000 Dislocates his shoulder.
00:21:58.000 This is our first activity!
00:22:00.000 And he was like, I couldn't let go.
00:22:03.000 It's a whiskey throttle.
00:22:04.000 It's more like a mental...
00:22:05.000 You panic.
00:22:06.000 People have done that with cars, too.
00:22:08.000 They think they're hitting the gas.
00:22:09.000 Or the brake, rather, and they're hitting the gas.
00:22:11.000 Like Eddie Griffin in that Ferrari.
00:22:12.000 Oh, he just didn't know how to drive.
00:22:14.000 Yeah.
00:22:14.000 That was a million dollar car.
00:22:15.000 Yeah, it was like a LaFerrari or Enzo or something.
00:22:18.000 I think it was an Enzo.
00:22:19.000 Took it right out and smashed it into a wall.
00:22:20.000 He smashed it into a wall.
00:22:22.000 In a private closed course. 1.00
00:22:23.000 Crazy ass Eddie Griffin. 0.99
00:22:24.000 He just did not know how to drive it at all. 1.00
00:22:27.000 And then he got out and was like, fuck, man. 0.99
00:22:29.000 Yeah, it wasn't good. 1.00
00:22:31.000 No.
00:22:32.000 I had speed wobbles in East Timor going down a highway and being on a really bad road for a while, so I got some good road.
00:22:38.000 I was like, oh yeah, I'm going to crank this.
00:22:40.000 But we won?
00:22:42.000 Like a moped, probably 80 kilometers an hour.
00:22:45.000 Oh, that's pretty fast.
00:22:47.000 Yeah.
00:22:47.000 Yeah.
00:22:47.000 And then hitting a bump, and another one, and then go, fuck, fuck, fuck, I'm down, I'm down.
00:22:51.000 And then I was just like, I don't know how I managed to save it, but it was... 1.00
00:22:53.000 Jesus.
00:22:54.000 Like that lady, when you start the heavy wobbles, you're out of control. 1.00
00:22:57.000 You're done.
00:22:58.000 You overcompensate every shift in until you're done.
00:23:02.000 Yep. 0.94
00:23:04.000 I always think riding motorcycles is so much fucking fun because it really allows you to feel truly vulnerable. 1.00
00:23:12.000 Like, I go in 70 miles per hour on an interstate in a fucking motorcycle. 0.99
00:23:17.000 There's no sensation. 1.00
00:23:18.000 I mean, there's no comparable sensation. 0.95
00:23:20.000 Like, you can stick your head out a window, but it's nothing compared to, like, fucking flying and a car flies by you and you're like... 0.97
00:23:27.000 I had to race a thunderstorm home. 0.98
00:23:30.000 Not home, but to where we were staying.
00:23:31.000 I had to race a thunderstorm.
00:23:33.000 So we get there and lightning starts striking like 10 miles away from us.
00:23:36.000 And they're like, we should probably go.
00:23:37.000 This is coming on quick.
00:23:38.000 And so we're flying, trying to race a thunderstorm home through Crow Nation in, I think, in Montana. 0.99
00:23:46.000 Dude, fucking flying down the... 0.98
00:23:48.000 You can open it up there, man. 1.00
00:23:50.000 It was pretty...
00:23:53.000 I wish I could ride a motorcycle.
00:23:55.000 I like that.
00:23:55.000 I would love to do that on Sunday mornings.
00:23:58.000 Yeah, like a Harley.
00:23:59.000 Like a mountain road somewhere where people drive slow.
00:24:02.000 Not here.
00:24:03.000 I don't want to do it here, man.
00:24:05.000 Lonzo Bowden rides a motorcycle everywhere. 1.00
00:24:07.000 He's a bad motherfucker. 1.00
00:24:08.000 He is. 1.00
00:24:08.000 He's weaving between cars. 1.00
00:24:10.000 He knows how to ride.
00:24:12.000 He knows how to ride.
00:24:12.000 He's had a few of them.
00:24:13.000 He used to have one of those Honda VTEC things.
00:24:16.000 I think that's what it was called.
00:24:17.000 I think he has that BMW all-world, all-terrain bike now.
00:24:22.000 The ones that you see people...
00:24:24.000 Really?
00:24:25.000 Yeah, like a crazy BMW motorcycle.
00:24:27.000 They have a competition.
00:24:30.000 Whatever the top competition is for those guys, off-road, I think he has that bike.
00:24:34.000 He used to have this bike, Alonzo's Garage, off Alonzo Bowden.
00:24:38.000 He's got a bunch of motorcycles.
00:24:40.000 No kids, ballin'.
00:24:42.000 He keeps it all.
00:24:43.000 He legit rides tracks. 0.71
00:24:47.000 He's got a bunch of triumphs and shit, but he had this thing a few years back that was a Yamaha.
00:24:54.000 I think it was called a V-Max. 0.96
00:24:56.000 And it was this big, giant cruiser thing.
00:25:00.000 See if you can find that.
00:25:01.000 It's this crazy motorcycle that he had. 1.00
00:25:04.000 It's like this stupid, powerful, really big... 1.00
00:25:07.000 Is it Honda V? No, not Honda. 1.00
00:25:09.000 Yamaha V-Max?
00:25:11.000 I think I know what you're talking about.
00:25:12.000 I think Doc from the Dayton Funny Bone had one.
00:25:16.000 I might be even saying the name wrong.
00:25:18.000 Is that the right name?
00:25:20.000 Bowden?
00:25:20.000 Yeah.
00:25:21.000 No, that's a lot of Bowden.
00:25:23.000 But I mean, no, no, no.
00:25:24.000 No, the V-Max. 0.99
00:25:26.000 I'm trying to remember what the fucking motorcycle was. 0.99
00:25:30.000 It was just, I don't know shit about motorcycles. 0.99
00:25:33.000 If it was a car, I'd be able to remember it perfectly.
00:25:36.000 Is it a Yamaha?
00:25:38.000 Something like that.
00:25:39.000 It's some Japanese bike, but it was a giant cruiser, and it had this enormous engine. 0.99
00:25:43.000 This fucking thing was huge. 0.97
00:25:44.000 It was really wide, and Alonzo had one. 0.99
00:25:47.000 And I was like, whoa, dude, you're riding some Tron machine.
00:25:51.000 That's a scary twitch muscle in your brain to allow.
00:25:56.000 What's your car, Tommy, that Porsche thing?
00:25:59.000 We just got a BMW the other day.
00:26:04.000 No model?
00:26:05.000 540. Sounds like a lie.
00:26:08.000 Not like a 7 Series, not like a tricked out one, not a sport edition, just like a sedan. 1.00
00:26:13.000 But it's fast as fucking shit. 0.99
00:26:14.000 Oh, dude, the regular BMWs, like a regular 3 Series BMW, is a better handling sports car than anything of like 30 years ago. 1.00
00:26:22.000 Oh, for sure.
00:26:22.000 By far.
00:26:23.000 Just a regular one without any modifications, stock. 0.98
00:26:27.000 Dude, I find myself putting it in sport mode and fucking flying. 0.90
00:26:31.000 And you told me, you were like, you have no idea I go from Oxnard to LA in 30 minutes. 0.99
00:26:36.000 Oh, you can really fly, man.
00:26:37.000 That's it.
00:26:38.000 That's it.
00:26:39.000 What is that thing called?
00:26:40.000 Whoa.
00:26:41.000 Whoa.
00:26:41.000 That thing is so big.
00:26:43.000 It's hard.
00:26:43.000 Does it say?
00:26:44.000 No. 0.99
00:26:45.000 You gotta find out what the fuck that thing is called. 0.99
00:26:47.000 Because there's an overhead of them that's even more preposterous. 0.97
00:26:51.000 What do you mean, overhead?
00:26:52.000 The overhead view.
00:26:53.000 The thing is like this wide.
00:26:55.000 Like, I'm not exaggerating.
00:26:56.000 Here you go.
00:26:57.000 It's like literally wider than my body, the side of this motorcycle.
00:27:01.000 It's enormous.
00:27:02.000 That looks nuts.
00:27:03.000 It's crazy.
00:27:04.000 It's essentially like this enormous engine on this super wide, heavy, cruising motorcycle that just has stupendous power.
00:27:12.000 Dude, I drove one of those Indian judges.
00:27:15.000 Not judge, Indian... 1.00
00:27:17.000 Chiefs, the big fucking bags and the steering wheels out here. 1.00
00:27:22.000 I was flying through the Talladega National Forest just the beginning of autumn listening to the Leonard Skinner on my headsets just going, man, where's the whiskey? 0.99
00:27:31.000 A little bit of applause for doing that would be perfect. 0.96
00:27:34.000 If you could trust everybody to keep their shit together, it would be awesome to ride a motorcycle, but you can't. 0.99
00:27:39.000 Is that it? 0.99
00:27:40.000 No, that's not it.
00:27:42.000 That's not it.
00:27:42.000 That's not the same bike.
00:27:43.000 You see the pipes are different?
00:27:45.000 That's it.
00:27:46.000 See how it has these massive pipes?
00:27:47.000 See that thing?
00:27:48.000 That thing is gigantic.
00:27:50.000 It's a huge three-cylinder engine. 1.00
00:27:52.000 By the way, those things get fucking hot as shit. 1.00
00:27:55.000 Because you have an engine in between your legs. 0.99
00:27:57.000 The first time I drove one, it burns. 0.99
00:27:59.000 First time I rode one, I was like, I think I don't have something unlocked because it's hot as fucking crap. 0.99
00:28:05.000 That's the bike. 0.97
00:28:06.000 Rocket 3. Is that it?
00:28:08.000 Yeah, 800 plus pounds.
00:28:09.000 Super heavyweight.
00:28:10.000 The Triumph Rocket 3. Oh, is that it?
00:28:12.000 So that's not the same one as the other one?
00:28:14.000 Or is it?
00:28:15.000 No, that's different.
00:28:16.000 That's different.
00:28:16.000 That's the Honda or Yamaha.
00:28:18.000 Triumph.
00:28:18.000 It says Triumph.
00:28:19.000 Does it?
00:28:19.000 On the side.
00:28:20.000 Top right.
00:28:20.000 You're right, it does.
00:28:22.000 Alright, I'm wrong.
00:28:23.000 There's another one.
00:28:24.000 See if you can Google Honda VMAX. Do you want me to text Alonzo?
00:28:27.000 Yeah, because now I'm looking at it.
00:28:29.000 Yeah, text Alonzo.
00:28:30.000 It looks different.
00:28:34.000 Is that it?
00:28:35.000 Give me an image on that thing.
00:28:37.000 Is that it?
00:28:40.000 Yamaha VMAX. I think that's it.
00:28:42.000 That's pretty wild, man.
00:28:45.000 I'm so bad at motorcycles.
00:28:47.000 I can just call him real quick.
00:28:49.000 We can find out right now.
00:28:51.000 I think, yeah, please do call him because this is getting boring for people just listening and trying to figure out what the...
00:28:58.000 What are the odds that Alonzo has the same number from when I got it?
00:29:02.000 Hi, this is Alonzo.
00:29:04.000 Leave a message and I'll call you.
00:29:05.000 It might be Alonzo morning.
00:29:06.000 Sounds like a fair deal, right?
00:29:07.000 Sounds like a fair deal.
00:29:08.000 Okay, let's go with that.
00:29:12.000 Alonzo, that is the worst voicemail message I've ever heard in my life.
00:29:14.000 Alonzo, it's Bert.
00:29:15.000 I'm with Joe.
00:29:16.000 Joe has a question about the bike you have.
00:29:17.000 Hey, Alonzo, you used to have some crazy...
00:29:19.000 Was it a Yamaha VMAX? Am I correct?
00:29:22.000 Is that the crazy bike you had?
00:29:24.000 You had some crazy, large, touring, super powerful Japanese bike. 0.99
00:29:29.000 Or maybe my memory is shit from all the years of marijuana. 0.98
00:29:31.000 Call us back. 1.00
00:29:33.000 It might have just been his dick. 1.00
00:29:35.000 It might have been. 1.00
00:29:37.000 Supercharged.
00:29:37.000 You were in the bathroom and you're like, that's a big motorcycle.
00:29:39.000 That's a big motorcycle.
00:29:40.000 Chromed up.
00:29:41.000 Spitting fire. 1.00
00:29:46.000 I could get into sports car shit, motorcycles. 1.00
00:29:48.000 I could. 1.00
00:29:48.000 Yeah, I could get into these things for sure. 1.00
00:29:50.000 I ride a bicycle around.
00:29:52.000 I think I'm wrong.
00:29:53.000 I think I'm conflating this with another bike.
00:29:56.000 I think the other bike was an even crazier bike than this.
00:30:00.000 I think this town is terrifying to ride those in, though.
00:30:02.000 It was some big-ass touring bike.
00:30:04.000 Everybody who drives one here and rides one here is like, it's just crazy.
00:30:07.000 Especially with weed smoking in cars.
00:30:09.000 People are like, they'll just cut you off. 1.00
00:30:10.000 They'll fucking... 1.00
00:30:11.000 And all they see when they drive by is people doing this shit. 1.00
00:30:14.000 Oh, yeah. 1.00
00:30:14.000 I just constantly see that. 1.00
00:30:15.000 Constantly see people staring at their phone.
00:30:17.000 When you're on a bike, you see it more clearly.
00:30:19.000 Oh, dude, you have no idea. 1.00
00:30:20.000 You see, like, fucking three things ahead of you going, like, this motherfucker's not looking, they're not looking, goddammit, they're gonna pull out. 0.99
00:30:27.000 It is, it is, and I think, and I'll say this, I'm a very limited motorcycle driver, rider, obviously, but, like, I think that's what makes it enjoyable because you're truly in the moment. 0.99
00:30:37.000 You're forced to live in the moment. 0.93
00:30:39.000 You don't think about bills or fucking percentage deals. 0.99
00:30:44.000 And that's why I want one. 0.99
00:30:45.000 I want to take it up through the canyons out to Malibu, up Malibu to Neptune's Nest, and then take it home on a Sunday morning when everyone's asleep. 0.98
00:30:54.000 Except the drunks that are just coming home on Adderall, coked up, shit decisions, screaming at someone on the phone. 0.96
00:31:01.000 You're going to feel that clarity 90 days sober, which we've got coming up. 0.99
00:31:05.000 Well, let's talk about this, guys. 0.99
00:31:07.000 Oh, shit. 0.99
00:31:07.000 Mario, please crack that? 0.99
00:31:08.000 Yeah, sure.
00:31:09.000 No problem.
00:31:10.000 Joe, can we make you a cocktail?
00:31:12.000 Yes, sure.
00:31:13.000 Most certainly.
00:31:13.000 I would like to hear what you fellows have been thinking.
00:31:16.000 Oh, well, we have a lot of big ideas.
00:31:18.000 I think some of us were speaking big when the texas were gone.
00:31:20.000 You will die if you go 90 days without drinking.
00:31:22.000 There's no way.
00:31:23.000 Easy peasy.
00:31:23.000 That's a quote.
00:31:24.000 Easy peasy.
00:31:26.000 When is the longest you've ever gone without drinking?
00:31:28.000 In hours.
00:31:29.000 Well, I did...
00:31:30.000 I did 13 years one time.
00:31:35.000 When was that?
00:31:36.000 What?
00:31:36.000 From 1 to 13. Come on.
00:31:40.000 Comedy.
00:31:41.000 Probably the longest I've ever done, six months.
00:31:43.000 Six months when?
00:31:44.000 When I met Leanne.
00:31:46.000 Why did you go six months?
00:31:48.000 Because I wanted to see if I could do it. 1.00
00:31:50.000 And I did six months, and then we were in Italy, and it was snowing in Venice, and we were having dinner, and I said, this is fucking stupid. 0.99
00:31:56.000 I want to have a cocktail. 1.00
00:31:57.000 I want a carpe diem.
00:31:58.000 I want to be impulsive right now.
00:32:00.000 Yeah.
00:32:01.000 And Leanne looked at me, and she's like, you don't have a drinking problem.
00:32:03.000 Just have some wine, and let's go walk around.
00:32:05.000 How much can I regret that?
00:32:07.000 Oh, my God.
00:32:07.000 Looking back moment.
00:32:08.000 Do you want his scotch or a tea and soda?
00:32:10.000 I'll have scotch.
00:32:11.000 There you go.
00:32:12.000 Here, take this one.
00:32:13.000 Alright.
00:32:14.000 We use an ice?
00:32:15.000 Do you drink it with ice or no?
00:32:16.000 No, I drink it straight.
00:32:16.000 Oh, look at you.
00:32:17.000 You fucking sophisticated man of travel. 1.00
00:32:20.000 That's it! 1.00
00:32:20.000 No, that's not it. 1.00
00:32:21.000 Scotch ice. 1.00
00:32:21.000 God damn it, I'm an idiot. 1.00
00:32:25.000 I'll take Scotch ice, too. 1.00
00:32:25.000 I thought for a second it looked like it. 1.00
00:32:27.000 Dude, I might be making up a fucking crazy motorcycle in my head. 0.98
00:32:32.000 I don't think I am, though. 0.99
00:32:33.000 I think there was some weird cruising motorcycle that Alonzo had. 0.99
00:32:38.000 Damn it. 1.00
00:32:39.000 It's driving me fucking nuts. 1.00
00:32:40.000 But yeah, I did six months and then I started drinking again. 0.98
00:32:44.000 I think it's good to reset your clock.
00:32:46.000 Six months?
00:32:48.000 You reset your clock?
00:32:49.000 Yeah.
00:32:50.000 It's like a reset button.
00:32:51.000 So...
00:32:52.000 That time you did six months.
00:32:53.000 Have you ever done anything comparable since?
00:32:55.000 Yeah.
00:32:55.000 I've done...
00:32:56.000 I can do like a 17-day chunk, but then the road starts back up.
00:33:01.000 That's the most I can be off the road.
00:33:02.000 What's habitual on the road?
00:33:04.000 On the road, I've got to be dead honest with you.
00:33:06.000 I remember Tom being like...
00:33:07.000 Please don't.
00:33:10.000 He's joking.
00:33:11.000 He's joking.
00:33:11.000 I'm joking.
00:33:12.000 He said I'm going to be totally honest with you.
00:33:14.000 Please don't.
00:33:14.000 I thought you were talking about being habitual.
00:33:16.000 No, no, no.
00:33:19.000 So I remember Tom one time, I was like, yeah, I went out with the staff and he's like, do you drink every night on the road?
00:33:23.000 And I was like, yeah, what do you do?
00:33:24.000 And he was like, I go to bed.
00:33:25.000 Not that.
00:33:26.000 And I was like, wait, how do you do that?
00:33:27.000 Because it is difficult for me to go back to a hotel room on the road and just sit there.
00:33:34.000 And be like, my night's done, I'm done thinking.
00:33:36.000 Yeah, you know what, man?
00:33:37.000 I write.
00:33:38.000 I try to write after shows.
00:33:40.000 I write on stage.
00:33:41.000 I feel like you guys are all doing much bigger venues than me, so I'm doing more shows. 0.98
00:33:45.000 I do not want to hear myself fucking talk or think of anything. 0.98
00:33:48.000 That's a perfect time to cheer on your wife. 0.99
00:33:50.000 That's the exact right time for it, if you're going to do that.
00:33:52.000 You don't have to.
00:33:53.000 Good point, Ari.
00:33:54.000 You could just go over some ideas in your head, and it seems like once you get into it, it's fun.
00:33:59.000 That's the thing about writing.
00:34:01.000 There's this weird thing where writing kind of tries to...
00:34:05.000 It's like your brain starts to think of it as this horrible task, like you have to clean out a latrine or something.
00:34:11.000 Your brain starts looking at it like, oh my god, I can't believe I have to do this.
00:34:14.000 But if you could just get past that, once you're actually writing, it's really fun.
00:34:18.000 There's some weird psychological shit going on with resistance to writing.
00:34:22.000 But hold on. 0.92
00:34:23.000 How about this argument?
00:34:25.000 Why argue?
00:34:26.000 No, no.
00:34:27.000 I mean, just this idea.
00:34:28.000 I've written my next hour.
00:34:29.000 What I'm working on now is finding out...
00:34:32.000 So, like, my majority of writing I do now is how do I connect things that are good that don't have a connection?
00:34:38.000 And how do I... How do I close a story?
00:34:42.000 I'm obsessing with how you end a good story.
00:34:44.000 I'm not writing new material for the next hour.
00:34:48.000 I'm writing within this hour.
00:34:50.000 You don't have to write anything.
00:34:52.000 But if you want to write, you should just write. 0.98
00:34:55.000 One of the beautiful things about writing is that if you don't have a guideline, and you just have an idea, and you just let that idea start spilling out of your head, shit will come out that you didn't expect, and that shit can become more. 0.59
00:35:08.000 But if you don't sit down and do that, then it doesn't happen.
00:35:12.000 You'll have some things that'll happen sometimes.
00:35:14.000 You'll have some things that'll happen with friends.
00:35:16.000 There's some things that'll happen on stage.
00:35:18.000 There's some things that'll happen, but the things that won't happen are the things that happen when you're sitting in front of that computer, because that is individual time Focused only on the idea.
00:35:27.000 Not thinking about killing with the crowd, not thinking about making sure that the show closes well and ends well.
00:35:35.000 All the bullshit that goes on in your head when you're actually doing a bit or when you're actually performing a set. 0.99
00:35:39.000 When you sit there alone with a pad or a computer or whatever the fuck you do to write, or even if you just like to do it in a tape recorder, you're thinking About all these ideas in a way that you're not going to do any other way. 0.98
00:35:51.000 So if you don't do it, I mean you can definitely get by on not doing it. 0.64
00:35:55.000 I went by on not doing it for a long time.
00:35:58.000 But there's a big difference in my act between when I do it and when I don't do it.
00:36:03.000 I mean, obviously I write because I have a new hour that I'm taping in February.
00:36:07.000 So I do write, but I just...
00:36:08.000 But you write, like, do you sit down?
00:36:09.000 I do not.
00:36:10.000 I wrote a book like that, and it was taxing on me.
00:36:12.000 Like, when I wrote my book, sitting down every day at the computer and just typing out an idea, what I do is I get on the treadmill, I have a pad on there, and I will think through a story, or I'll think through a joke, and then I'll...
00:36:25.000 It's horrible to read.
00:36:26.000 And then I'll take those beats and I'll move them over to my book.
00:36:29.000 Well, hey man, any way you're doing it is great.
00:36:31.000 I mean, you don't have to do it in a way that you have to sit in front of a computer or have to sit in front of a pad.
00:36:36.000 I said if you want to record it, you can just record it by talking into it.
00:36:38.000 I'll never listen to that.
00:36:39.000 The idea is just anything you're doing.
00:36:41.000 The idea is just working and thinking about whatever you're doing.
00:36:45.000 And recording it the best way possible.
00:36:47.000 For me, the best way possible seems to be a combination of having my phone right there.
00:36:52.000 With the notes feature on, with the voice activated, voice, whatever it is, detecting, translating.
00:37:01.000 I have that nearby, just in case a real quick one comes into my head, I gotta get it down.
00:37:05.000 Because my typing's not the best.
00:37:07.000 It's pretty good, but I don't want to miss a beat of how I'm saying something.
00:37:12.000 So if I say something into a text, or maybe if it's really important to say it with a certain tone, I'll say it into the memo, the voice memo thing.
00:37:21.000 With that tone.
00:37:22.000 What's that?
00:37:23.000 You can listen it right back when you're done.
00:37:24.000 Listen it right back and then try to work it into a chunk that you do on stage.
00:37:29.000 Wow.
00:37:30.000 What I do in terms of getting the segues or whatever is I try to do the bits in different orders as much as I can.
00:37:37.000 And then instead of opening with the same thing, change what you open with around.
00:37:41.000 And then you'll move to a different bit.
00:37:43.000 And then also start bits halfway through.
00:37:47.000 See, I just got a crew to shoot two shows in Denver on Sunday night.
00:37:53.000 So I recorded two different hours in Denver for what I'm working on.
00:37:57.000 And then I'll go through those and I'll chunk the bits out.
00:38:00.000 And then I already chunk them out in my head.
00:38:01.000 I mean, I think we all think probably very differently.
00:38:04.000 I think I think more in my head.
00:38:06.000 I think I'm a little more obsessive compulsive and I chew on ideas constantly.
00:38:09.000 Mm-hmm.
00:38:09.000 And then I'll find a way to link them.
00:38:11.000 Like today on the treadmill, I thought I figured out a way to link this joke about my dad with this dream I had.
00:38:16.000 Because I never liked telling jokes about a dream I had.
00:38:19.000 Because it's such a, really?
00:38:21.000 Did it really happen?
00:38:22.000 type thing.
00:38:22.000 But it is a funny dream.
00:38:26.000 And then on the treadmill, I started figuring it out.
00:38:27.000 And then I hop off the treadmill, and I write it down on a piece of paper.
00:38:30.000 That's writing, man.
00:38:32.000 The time you're spending where you're just thinking about something is writing.
00:38:37.000 Some people do it by walking.
00:38:38.000 I hear a lot of people say they have some of the best ideas.
00:38:41.000 They walk with the voice feature.
00:38:43.000 If you do it on a treadmill.
00:38:44.000 I'm talking about in the neighborhood.
00:38:46.000 Oh, you know, I could do it at like a four.
00:38:48.000 I do it at a four for at least 30 minutes with that notepad, and I just write it down.
00:38:53.000 Walking for something, I learned in New York, it would trigger the way I thought.
00:38:56.000 Yeah, it changes your sights when you look at different things.
00:38:58.000 Like a hardware store, it makes your mind wander to something.
00:39:00.000 Yeah, that's why I think they try to get you to go outside and do it, like go on a hike.
00:39:04.000 And then when you're doing that, those ideas will pop into your head.
00:39:08.000 Walking is great for clarity.
00:39:11.000 I know a lot of people, they'll write physically, and then they'll think about what they wrote when they go on a walk.
00:39:16.000 I had a really good writing session walking through at Target.
00:39:19.000 Like just walking up and down the aisles.
00:39:22.000 But you get to see people interact.
00:39:24.000 And you're allowed to mishear things. 0.98
00:39:28.000 When I mishear things, those are sometimes the funniest fucking things in the world. 0.97
00:39:33.000 Well, let's talk about what your current drinking status is. 0.96
00:39:37.000 Because to get into the approach, can you recap what an average week is like?
00:39:42.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:39:43.000 Okay, first of all, this isn't an intervention.
00:39:45.000 We're all friends, right?
00:39:46.000 We're all right.
00:39:47.000 You're about to have interventions for your friends, though.
00:39:49.000 I was very nervous about doing this for that very reason.
00:39:52.000 I was thinking, okay, did I suggest no booze for 90 days because I didn't think you could possibly do it?
00:39:59.000 You suggested it?
00:40:00.000 Yes.
00:40:01.000 By the way, I'll read the chat text because it is funny, and I will say Ari was the best.
00:40:08.000 Just read it.
00:40:08.000 I want to see how this went down.
00:40:11.000 How did it go down?
00:40:13.000 I said 90 days, no booze, plus a marathon.
00:40:17.000 As a result of the marathon claim.
00:40:19.000 By the way, marathon.
00:40:20.000 Yeah.
00:40:22.000 Well, it was like, you thought you were going to be able to do a marathon at the time it took... 1.00
00:40:24.000 You're so fucking... 1.00
00:40:26.000 You're getting the treadmill once in a while, you fucking idiot. 1.00
00:40:29.000 He thought he could do a marathon in the same time it took us to do a podcast. 1.00
00:40:33.000 We had like a three and a half hour podcast.
00:40:35.000 Yeah, yeah.
00:40:35.000 And he thought he was going to do a marathon.
00:40:36.000 That's Kenyans run that shit. 1.00
00:40:37.000 Yes, exactly. 1.00
00:40:39.000 Kenyans. 1.00
00:40:39.000 Super skinny dudes who are just ripped to the fucking bone. 1.00
00:40:42.000 Who've been running every day. 1.00
00:40:43.000 Flip flops getting off a skateboard.
00:40:45.000 Ah!
00:40:48.000 Such a bad idea.
00:40:49.000 Such a bad idea.
00:40:51.000 It's just such a delusional perspective on physical fitness.
00:40:54.000 Here we go.
00:40:55.000 Like, if you run a five-hour marathon, I'd be super impressed.
00:40:58.000 I could do that easy.
00:41:00.000 No way!
00:41:01.000 Dude, no way!
00:41:02.000 You can't run a marathon easy.
00:41:04.000 You can't run a marathon easy.
00:41:06.000 Can I tell you the one thing?
00:41:08.000 You might be able to run a marathon.
00:41:11.000 You can't run a marathon easy.
00:41:13.000 You're 250 pounds.
00:41:14.000 Five hours is easy.
00:41:18.000 You know what he said!
00:41:20.000 I have a scale.
00:41:23.000 Let's put a bet right now on how much I weigh.
00:41:26.000 Yes, yes, yes!
00:41:27.000 What did you think you weigh?
00:41:28.000 I know I weigh 222 pounds.
00:41:30.000 These are just numbers.
00:41:32.000 Here's my point.
00:41:33.000 I say he looks terrible, but not as bad as he looked before.
00:41:36.000 Okay, good.
00:41:37.000 That's a compliment.
00:41:38.000 No, no, no.
00:41:39.000 You've never run a marathon.
00:41:40.000 I have never run a marathon, but I've never run.
00:41:41.000 So you can't say I've run a marathon easy, because it's preposterous, right?
00:41:44.000 Have you ever run when you're not looking at a TV? Like, off a treadmill?
00:41:48.000 I haven't done a street run in a really long time.
00:41:50.000 That's so different, though.
00:41:51.000 That's a lot of a marathon.
00:41:52.000 You're talking fake running.
00:41:53.000 You're fake running on a machine that does have to work for you.
00:41:56.000 If the machine comes towards you, you just have to lift your legs up.
00:41:59.000 I can tell you exactly what would happen in a marathon.
00:42:01.000 Okay.
00:42:02.000 You would hit...
00:42:04.000 What do you think?
00:42:05.000 What do you think he gets?
00:42:05.000 Well, here's the thing.
00:42:06.000 Before he starts questioning.
00:42:07.000 Before he breaks something.
00:42:10.000 It'd be right about the halfway point.
00:42:11.000 No way.
00:42:12.000 No, no.
00:42:12.000 I think right around there, he would go, you're right.
00:42:15.000 This is a bad idea.
00:42:16.000 No.
00:42:16.000 By the way, by the way, by the way, let's double up on this.
00:42:20.000 Double up on this.
00:42:21.000 Let's figure out a drinking bet, and then let's figure out a marathon bet.
00:42:24.000 By the way, I just texted with a guy the other day, my buddy Galvin from Cowboys Show, and he's like, if you can run 12 miles, you can definitely run a marathon.
00:42:32.000 No, no!
00:42:33.000 That's way longer!
00:42:34.000 No way!
00:42:36.000 That's because you can.
00:42:37.000 You can do it.
00:42:38.000 The question is, is it easy? 0.98
00:42:40.000 There's not a fucking chance in the world you saying, I could run a marathon easy is an accurate statement. 0.99
00:42:46.000 I'd say he can't run a marathon. 0.99
00:42:48.000 Give me a mileage, a five-hour marathon.
00:42:52.000 Bert, it's not an accurate statement.
00:42:54.000 It's hard to do.
00:42:55.000 When you're 285 pounds and you're out there running on the street...
00:42:59.000 You can't hear it.
00:43:02.000 It's not easy.
00:43:04.000 I am an athletic 220. Okay.
00:43:07.000 Okay.
00:43:07.000 Listen.
00:43:08.000 You fucking heard that and got so excited. 1.00
00:43:12.000 I did. 1.00
00:43:16.000 Dude.
00:43:16.000 This all started...
00:43:17.000 See, it's hard to do, man. 0.99
00:43:19.000 It's hard to do, that's why it's called a fucking marathon. 0.98
00:43:20.000 Wait, you're not even going to concede that it's hard to do? 0.98
00:43:22.000 It's definitely hard to do.
00:43:24.000 So why are you saying that you can do it easy?
00:43:25.000 You mean easy, you mean like for sure.
00:43:27.000 You mean I can definitely run a marathon.
00:43:28.000 That's what you mean by easy, for sure.
00:43:30.000 Why?
00:43:30.000 Definitely.
00:43:31.000 I run every day. 1.00
00:43:33.000 I run every fucking day. 1.00
00:43:35.000 There's no way. 0.99
00:43:35.000 You stand in front of your treadmill and the treadmill moves towards you and you lift your legs up. 0.99
00:43:39.000 You get off and you stop to write stuff.
00:43:41.000 It's not running!
00:43:42.000 You're lifting your legs up and it's moving towards you. 0.99
00:43:44.000 And the treadmill keeps going while you're off making a fucking Tito's and Soda. 0.98
00:43:46.000 All you have to do is not fall. 0.99
00:43:48.000 And not fall and keep lifting your feet.
00:43:50.000 You do a couple miles and you run walk.
00:43:52.000 I do run walk.
00:43:53.000 That's fine.
00:43:53.000 I walk a quarter mile, I run three quarters of a mile.
00:43:56.000 A quarter mile?
00:43:57.000 Jesus Christ.
00:43:58.000 I like to get my heart rate up and down. 1.00
00:43:59.000 You want to run a fucking marathon, you walk a quarter... 0.99
00:44:01.000 I like to get my heart rate up and down. 1.00
00:44:02.000 Up, walk, run, walk, run, walk.
00:44:04.000 Runs a quarter.
00:44:04.000 But when you run a quarter, you sprint it, right?
00:44:06.000 Run three quarters of a mile, walk a quarter.
00:44:08.000 He runs five feet, and then he takes breaks and drinks box wine.
00:44:14.000 So this all started.
00:44:15.000 He's running a new aluminum man.
00:44:17.000 He had a box wine thing set up on his treadmill. 0.96
00:44:20.000 No bullshit. 0.76
00:44:20.000 He was drinking a box of wine while he was running. 0.76
00:44:23.000 Wait, would your approach to the marathon right now be?
00:44:26.000 Just wing it.
00:44:28.000 Good move.
00:44:29.000 No plan?
00:44:30.000 Seems to be a good idea.
00:44:31.000 Everyone's doing it that way.
00:44:32.000 Maybe I'll Google something online.
00:44:32.000 Dude, you need, for your treadmill, you need above you, like a gerbil feeder so you can drink while you're running?
00:44:38.000 Something with rubber attached to it?
00:44:39.000 This all started because the guy you guys are claiming that is not a runner had a profile written about him on Runner's World.
00:44:46.000 Can you see the photos they used?
00:44:47.000 That doesn't matter.
00:44:48.000 Yeah, I saw the photos.
00:44:49.000 They would write a profile on Ari, too.
00:44:52.000 Ari would write a profile about how he hates running, but he gets it.
00:44:57.000 You're better than him.
00:44:58.000 He'll write a whole story about how you are definitely better than him, but I'm still not running.
00:45:02.000 In terms of the average marathon times, the median average marathon was 420. I can't do 420. First of all, that's the finishing time, and that's medium.
00:45:09.000 I couldn't do 420. But dude, these are fucking people that are in really good shape. 0.99
00:45:14.000 That's also taking into account the Boston Marathon, which is super hard. 0.99
00:45:17.000 Hold on one second.
00:45:18.000 You heard me.
00:45:19.000 People that are in really good shape, that's what I'm saying.
00:45:22.000 Marathon running shape.
00:45:23.000 These people don't weigh 278. There shouldn't be any pause here.
00:45:27.000 There shouldn't be pause here and confusion as to whether or not you're in really good shape. 0.90
00:45:31.000 You should get psychiatric help.
00:45:32.000 There's no way in the world you're finishing a marathon. 0.90
00:45:34.000 You can't say this.
00:45:34.000 But hold on, you can't say you're in really good shape.
00:45:36.000 Were you attempting to say you're in really good shape?
00:45:38.000 Because I'll get super confused.
00:45:40.000 I'm going to get my feelings hurt if you say you're in really good shape.
00:45:44.000 Go.
00:45:44.000 I am in good shape.
00:45:46.000 No way!
00:45:47.000 I'm in good shape.
00:45:48.000 Let's just put the parameters down and then just pretend you think I'm not lying right now.
00:45:53.000 You have a very low bar.
00:45:54.000 I run five miles a day.
00:45:56.000 On the thing that's moving towards you and you lift your feet up.
00:45:59.000 I agree on that.
00:46:00.000 I agree on that.
00:46:01.000 Every day?
00:46:01.000 And I'll tell you what, I'll go out and I'll run five in the road and if I notice a big difference, I will say...
00:46:05.000 Seven days a week?
00:46:07.000 Hey, listen, Bert, I'm not in really good shape.
00:46:10.000 I'm not in really good shape.
00:46:11.000 Five miles?
00:46:11.000 I'm in decent shape.
00:46:13.000 And I work out a lot.
00:46:14.000 Like, crazy hard. 1.00
00:46:16.000 I do ruthless shit. 1.00
00:46:17.000 And I wouldn't say... 0.99
00:46:18.000 You know why?
00:46:19.000 Because I know actual people that are in really good shape.
00:46:22.000 Yeah.
00:46:22.000 Okay, that I'm not in really good shape.
00:46:24.000 Okay.
00:46:25.000 Listen, I'm willing to move my...
00:46:28.000 That's an important thing when you're discussing all these possibilities.
00:46:32.000 Maybe it's just like the...
00:46:33.000 Marathon's being easy.
00:46:34.000 It's relative. 0.99
00:46:34.000 I ran a 5k drunk one time and beat half of the fucking field. 0.99
00:46:39.000 What's your run with? 0.99
00:46:40.000 Doug Stanhope and Chaley?
00:46:41.000 Me and Matt Fultron, we thought it was a pub crawl.
00:46:44.000 Oh, that's right.
00:46:44.000 You told me about this.
00:46:45.000 But I beat half of the fucking field. 1.00
00:46:47.000 Now, those are the same people that would run a marathon. 0.99
00:46:50.000 But you gotta stop people.
00:46:50.000 Take a drink.
00:46:51.000 Yeah, and they came there for a radio station pub crawl.
00:46:54.000 How many of them are actually elite athletes?
00:46:55.000 It wasn't a pub crawl. 0.99
00:46:57.000 It was an actual 5K that I thought was a pub crawl, so I drank five beers before it thinking we would be getting buzzed, and it was a fucking 5K, and I beat half the fucking people. 0.99
00:47:05.000 Okay, can I say something about it? 0.99
00:47:06.000 But that is three miles.
00:47:07.000 It's over three miles, I mean, because I'm a runner, I know these things.
00:47:10.000 When you say you're in good shape, literally, the shape of you is bad.
00:47:17.000 I'll take away.
00:47:18.000 We're all going to have different versions of what we think good shape is.
00:47:21.000 Well, you can't have a low bar when you're talking about reality.
00:47:25.000 You're not allowed a low bar when you talk about things like shape.
00:47:28.000 I cannot run.
00:47:30.000 By the way, I could run...
00:47:35.000 I just got off the treadmill this morning.
00:47:37.000 I was like, maybe I should take a video and show them what I'm running.
00:47:39.000 You passed out drunk there.
00:47:40.000 And granted, it's a treadmill.
00:47:41.000 It's not trails.
00:47:42.000 How much did you run this morning?
00:47:44.000 I ran three miles this morning because we had to drain our pool.
00:47:48.000 There's no benefit whatsoever to exaggerating fitness levels.
00:47:52.000 I will be 100% level.
00:47:54.000 But there's an ego issue when people do it.
00:47:55.000 And you just can't do it.
00:47:57.000 You can't say I'm in great shape. 0.99
00:47:58.000 There's no fucking way you're in great shape. 0.98
00:48:00.000 It's literally not possible. 0.99
00:48:01.000 But you are in good shape for somebody that's in terrible shape.
00:48:07.000 I'll agree with that.
00:48:09.000 And the other thing is, you do stuff.
00:48:12.000 You're active.
00:48:12.000 You definitely do stuff.
00:48:13.000 But if we could get you to do those things and not drink, you would be an immeasurably healthier person.
00:48:22.000 100%.
00:48:22.000 Do you think that that would be something that you would want to do?
00:48:25.000 Who's that guy?
00:48:25.000 When's that from?
00:48:26.000 Is that Bert in shape?
00:48:27.000 No.
00:48:28.000 They're still...
00:48:28.000 You're in decent shape there.
00:48:30.000 You're pretty fit there.
00:48:31.000 Wait, but I think...
00:48:32.000 That's 217. You look pretty fit there, man.
00:48:35.000 I'm 222 today.
00:48:36.000 Hey, man, that's like Fedor in his prime.
00:48:38.000 Yeah, I'll buy it.
00:48:39.000 For real.
00:48:39.000 No, he looks very fit there.
00:48:40.000 He looks strong, too.
00:48:42.000 I was 217, 215. That's a different...
00:48:45.000 That's 265. That's the roundest of the belly.
00:48:47.000 That's 384 pounds.
00:48:49.000 That's not...
00:48:49.000 That's 280 at least.
00:48:51.000 Come clean.
00:48:53.000 I like how your hair there forms an equator around your belly.
00:48:56.000 Come clean, son.
00:48:58.000 Were you in denial? 1.00
00:48:59.000 How often did your dick just flop out? 1.00
00:49:02.000 Could you weigh yourself at the doctor, or did they have to bring in other scales in order to get all of you? 1.00
00:49:05.000 Do you feel badly looking at this picture?
00:49:07.000 Did you velcro the top of your pants into your pubic hair?
00:49:12.000 Jesus Christ. 1.00
00:49:12.000 How the fuck is your pants staying up? 1.00
00:49:14.000 Oh, hey, pull up a picture of Tom, why don't we? 0.99
00:49:16.000 Tom never got that big.
00:49:18.000 He got bigger, Joe.
00:49:19.000 He never got a belly like that, bro.
00:49:20.000 He got bigger because he's 5'9".
00:49:24.000 Yes, he's an under six footer.
00:49:26.000 But that's cirrhosis of the liver for sure, right?
00:49:29.000 No, it's only affecting the gut.
00:49:31.000 Is there an over under on you right now?
00:49:34.000 Because I say 54. Wow, how rude.
00:49:37.000 There's no way he'll last until 54. Tom doesn't look bad there.
00:49:39.000 He looks great.
00:49:41.000 It does not look good there.
00:49:42.000 He does not look good.
00:49:44.000 He looks better there.
00:49:45.000 No, really?
00:49:46.000 He looks better than the other one?
00:49:47.000 You don't think so?
00:49:48.000 Maybe it's the beard, but I do think so.
00:49:50.000 Well, if he had a beard there, his head would be twice as large.
00:49:53.000 Yeah, that's unhealthy.
00:49:56.000 Sweaty.
00:49:56.000 Yeah, but how about this?
00:49:58.000 Look at him now.
00:49:59.000 Slim, slim, healthy.
00:50:01.000 180 pounds?
00:50:02.000 Yeah, I guess like 195. Oh, this is killing me.
00:50:06.000 This is making me regret ever texting you guys that article.
00:50:11.000 You were so proud.
00:50:12.000 You said you could run a marathon.
00:50:15.000 You said you'd beat me and Tom on a marathon.
00:50:17.000 That's obviously one bet.
00:50:19.000 Wait, wait.
00:50:20.000 That's obviously one bet.
00:50:21.000 Wait, let's set up one thing.
00:50:22.000 Because here's the deal.
00:50:23.000 I do run every single day.
00:50:24.000 Not every single day.
00:50:25.000 I probably run five, four times a week.
00:50:27.000 I'm running no less than five miles on a day like today is a little bit of a difference.
00:50:32.000 Wait, let me ask you something.
00:50:32.000 Shoot.
00:50:33.000 When are you proposing that the marathon take place?
00:50:37.000 Let's just go from here.
00:50:38.000 That's important.
00:50:39.000 That's important.
00:50:40.000 That's an important thing.
00:50:41.000 She just puts her shirts on and go. 1.00
00:50:42.000 That's an important thing to decide.
00:50:44.000 When are you proposing?
00:50:45.000 A year from Tuesday.
00:50:46.000 A year.
00:50:47.000 Hold on.
00:50:48.000 I am sweating.
00:50:49.000 You're getting nervous.
00:50:50.000 First of all, I need you to back me up a tad bit.
00:50:53.000 We used to run every...
00:50:55.000 I'm in great shape. 0.93
00:50:55.000 I've always conceded that you are a great natural runner for a fat guy. 0.93
00:51:06.000 You're the two and a half men of human shape.
00:51:09.000 You have good endurance running.
00:51:12.000 Hey, you have a natural...
00:51:13.000 Stride.
00:51:14.000 No.
00:51:15.000 A natural advantage in this...
00:51:18.000 Like, first of all, is everybody jumping in on this?
00:51:21.000 Is everybody going to compete?
00:51:22.000 No, no, no, this is all pile on Bert, and Bert's got to prove he's not a liar.
00:51:25.000 Because you said you could beat us in a marathon!
00:51:27.000 I can definitely beat you, and I can definitely beat Tom.
00:51:29.000 I cannot beat you.
00:51:30.000 I will do something.
00:51:31.000 I do not know if it would be a marathon.
00:51:33.000 I don't necessarily know.
00:51:34.000 I would have to put a lot of time into running.
00:51:37.000 Would you consider another proposal?
00:51:39.000 I don't know if I have the resources to do that right now.
00:51:40.000 So another idea I had that I pitched to you a little while ago was what if we did a one-day decathlon-style event where it's multiple, like you have like seven activities.
00:51:51.000 Different things you have to do?
00:51:53.000 Yes.
00:51:53.000 I will tell you that since I dorm on our treadmill, I bike around a lot.
00:51:57.000 Okay.
00:51:57.000 So if we did a decathlon thing, then no, you would have no chance of still finishing.
00:52:02.000 Still even finishing.
00:52:03.000 Okay.
00:52:04.000 Wow.
00:52:04.000 I mean, trust me, some sort of like putt-putt was one of the events.
00:52:07.000 And then we'd have something heavy there, so you couldn't do that.
00:52:09.000 And then, I don't know.
00:52:11.000 Oh, maybe though you'd dominate if we had some sort of eating contest. 1.00
00:52:14.000 No, you know what?
00:52:15.000 No, I'd dominate.
00:52:17.000 I'd dominate if you guys had to do what I did the night before.
00:52:21.000 So we all have to drink.
00:52:21.000 Oh, it's coming back.
00:52:22.000 Ego.
00:52:23.000 Someone can't take it on the chin.
00:52:25.000 I'm sweating.
00:52:25.000 Like, you guys were mocking him being 5'9".
00:52:27.000 I wish I was 5'9".
00:52:29.000 We all have to take it on the chin. 1.00
00:52:31.000 There's reality here, motherfuckers. 1.00
00:52:34.000 You're 326 pounds. 1.00
00:52:38.000 You're 5'9".
00:52:39.000 There's two aspects to the bet, though.
00:52:41.000 The bet is we're coming up with something physical, some type of physical competition, and then how long we're going to go totally sober for.
00:52:50.000 We're saying 90 days, right?
00:52:51.000 Well, not totally sober.
00:52:52.000 We're allowing marijuana.
00:52:54.000 Let's be real.
00:52:55.000 If I'm going to be real about everything, if you guys are going to be real, I'll be with you.
00:52:58.000 Be real.
00:52:59.000 I cannot do 90 days.
00:53:01.000 Thank you.
00:53:03.000 Thank you for quitting before we started and coming off these ridiculous statements.
00:53:07.000 And whatever we...
00:53:08.000 I don't want to smoke pocket.
00:53:09.000 I think everyone's going to be...
00:53:10.000 Whatever we agree to, you're definitely going to be wearing a scram cam.
00:53:14.000 What's a scram cam?
00:53:15.000 It's a continuous alcohol monitoring bracelet.
00:53:19.000 And...
00:53:20.000 Everybody else is on honor code, but Bert has to wear a scram cam.
00:53:25.000 It's for high-risk offenders.
00:53:28.000 Can you get one?
00:53:30.000 Of course.
00:53:33.000 There's gotta be some cops that listen that would hook us up.
00:53:36.000 Sweating profusely.
00:53:38.000 And here's the thing.
00:53:39.000 If you fail the alcohol part, the bet is over.
00:53:43.000 There's no more competition.
00:53:44.000 Because otherwise it has no stakes.
00:53:46.000 So it has to be...
00:53:48.000 I'd be down to do something, but the problem with running a marathon is I think to do a marathon right without really fucking your body up, you should build towards it.
00:53:55.000 You could probably run a marathon right away.
00:53:56.000 What gives you that idea?
00:53:57.000 Logic and common sense?
00:53:59.000 Why would you do that?
00:54:00.000 Here's the thing.
00:54:00.000 I'm not averse to a challenge, but I'm not interested in destroying my body.
00:54:04.000 Decathlon over many days.
00:54:06.000 If you're gonna do a marathon, I feel like you should give yourself some time and run.
00:54:09.000 There's no way you could do a marathon.
00:54:12.000 What's a 5k?
00:54:13.000 I ran a 5k in Vegas in January.
00:54:16.000 It was tough though, right?
00:54:18.000 I didn't run at all.
00:54:20.000 I did zero preparation.
00:54:22.000 I mean none.
00:54:23.000 I completed it, but it was way tougher than I thought it was gonna be.
00:54:25.000 Oh my god.
00:54:26.000 It's about 3 miles. 0.99
00:54:27.000 I showed up because of my fucking Thanksgiving A couple years ago in Cincinnati and agreed to a 10k with no training. 0.99
00:54:36.000 That was unbelievable pain, man. 0.99
00:54:38.000 How long did it take you?
00:54:40.000 I have no idea.
00:54:41.000 I have no idea.
00:54:42.000 But I was in real pain, man.
00:54:44.000 So I started running after it.
00:54:46.000 After they did it, I was like, okay.
00:54:48.000 This is not good.
00:54:48.000 It's not good that I can't run three miles and not be in agony.
00:54:51.000 How much are you running now?
00:54:53.000 Well, I run hills.
00:54:55.000 I'm not running flat.
00:54:57.000 See, that's my argument, too, is that I think that what people are worried about is two things.
00:55:00.000 One, this traditional running shoe where you have the big fat heel at the bottom and you land on your heel.
00:55:07.000 That was all invented by Nike.
00:55:09.000 Really?
00:55:09.000 Yeah, you're not supposed to run and land on your heels.
00:55:12.000 You're supposed to run and land on the ball of your foot. 0.97
00:55:14.000 And your foot and the strength of your foot and your calf and all that shit decelerates your stride. 0.99
00:55:19.000 That's how people are designed to run. 0.98
00:55:21.000 That's how everybody's supposed to run.
00:55:23.000 But somewhere along the line, Nike came up with this fat heel, and they changed the way people run.
00:55:29.000 Now they run like heel first.
00:55:31.000 Right, heel, yeah.
00:55:31.000 You're just not supposed to do that, man.
00:55:33.000 You're supposed to run on your toe and put your heel down.
00:55:35.000 On the toe, on the ball of your feet, on the ball of your feet.
00:55:37.000 A lot of what I wear is like things like these.
00:55:40.000 These things have like zero soul. 0.98
00:55:41.000 There's just like this thin rubber that would protect you from stepping on hard sticks and shit. 0.99
00:55:48.000 That's it. 0.96
00:55:49.000 You know?
00:55:50.000 And like by walking in stuff that you're supposed to walk in, your feet get stronger.
00:55:54.000 By running these things...
00:55:55.000 Do you continuously run like when you're on those hills?
00:55:57.000 Like you just keep going, keep going?
00:55:59.000 I run in these Vibram five-finger trail shoes.
00:56:01.000 And it's like they're so thin that the other day it was so hot out that my feet got hot.
00:56:07.000 I could feel the heat of the ground coming through the sole.
00:56:10.000 It's super thin.
00:56:11.000 Ryan O'Neal runs Barefoot. 1.00
00:56:13.000 They like Griffith Park and shit. 0.99
00:56:14.000 He's a better man than I. I bought a pair of those. 0.99
00:56:17.000 When I saw you had them, I bought a pair, and I thought that would help.
00:56:21.000 And then, like, the very next week, I was on the beach, and I was like, you know what?
00:56:23.000 I run barefoot. 0.92
00:56:24.000 Man, I woke up, my feet were so fucking sore in places I didn't even know I had muscles. 0.93
00:56:28.000 Yeah, that's the thing. 0.96
00:56:28.000 We don't usually use our feet correctly because our feet are in these hard sneakers, and the hard sneakers act as like a cast. 0.96
00:56:36.000 And so your muscles in your feet atrophy.
00:56:39.000 They got a class action lawsuit against them.
00:56:41.000 Thank you?
00:56:42.000 No, no, no.
00:56:42.000 Vibram Five Finger Shoes did.
00:56:44.000 Because they created these thin toe shoes.
00:56:47.000 Because a bunch of people got injured.
00:56:48.000 They said they would protect you from injury.
00:56:50.000 But not repetitive stress injury.
00:56:52.000 Not like you not being conditioned for them injury.
00:56:55.000 There's a bunch of injuries that you absolutely can get.
00:56:57.000 These people are suing them.
00:56:58.000 Yeah, and you know what?
00:57:00.000 Their claims were ruled to be, either they settled or there was enough ambiguity in what they were claiming.
00:57:08.000 What they were trying to say is that they help you somehow or another from injuries.
00:57:12.000 They could... 0.99
00:57:14.000 Overall, in the long run, but you gotta condition yourself to wear those fucking things. 1.00
00:57:19.000 Sure. 1.00
00:57:19.000 And if you don't, you get fucked. 1.00
00:57:20.000 Like, Neil Brennan blew out his, uh, plantar fasciitis, both of his feet for fucked up for a year. 1.00
00:57:26.000 Wearing those? 0.82
00:57:26.000 From running on a treadmill with those. 0.82
00:57:28.000 He just wasn't fit for it. 0.98
00:57:30.000 Like, you have to do a lot of shit barefoot to build up all those muscles inside your feet. 0.99
00:57:35.000 I got that from New York. 0.99
00:57:35.000 Plantar fasciitis. 0.99
00:57:36.000 Walking around there all the time, yeah.
00:57:38.000 Just walking?
00:57:38.000 Yeah, I'd wake up, both my heels would hurt.
00:57:40.000 Somebody had told me I had to do stretches to like...
00:57:42.000 How do you treat it?
00:57:44.000 Stretch it out.
00:57:45.000 You sent me to a Rolfer. 0.87
00:57:47.000 Oh, yeah.
00:57:47.000 Remember I went to a Rolfer.
00:57:48.000 I had it so bad.
00:57:49.000 That's when I started gaining all my weight.
00:57:51.000 Same thing that happened to Neil happened to me.
00:57:52.000 I blew out my plantar fasciitis.
00:57:54.000 And at the time, I was probably like...
00:57:57.000 Probably exactly what I weigh right now.
00:57:58.000 Maybe even more.
00:57:59.000 But I got to 265 because I could not...
00:58:01.000 I couldn't walk.
00:58:03.000 Because the heel hurt.
00:58:04.000 I went to a Rolfer.
00:58:06.000 What's a Rolfer?
00:58:07.000 This is guy...
00:58:09.000 His name's Ricky the Rolfer or something.
00:58:11.000 I got him on Hollywood.
00:58:12.000 He's a legit guy.
00:58:13.000 Ricky the Rolfer.
00:58:14.000 I think.
00:58:15.000 And he goes in with his knuckle into the muscle or to the tendon and breaks up the fascia.
00:58:22.000 And I started it.
00:58:24.000 And he goes, just so you know, you can yell.
00:58:25.000 And I was screaming at the end.
00:58:28.000 Screaming.
00:58:28.000 There was a sign on the ceiling that you're looking at that says, don't worry, go to the light.
00:58:35.000 And I was fucking screaming. 0.98
00:58:36.000 I called you the second I got done because I walked out of that place in flip-flops and went, I can fucking walk. 0.99
00:58:43.000 And I called Joe. 0.90
00:58:44.000 I was on Laurel Canyon.
00:58:45.000 I was like, there's two things.
00:58:46.000 I was like, hey, can you tweet about my date in Portland?
00:58:50.000 I didn't say that, though.
00:58:55.000 Ricky the Rolfer sounds like a name for a character in a Tim and Eric show.
00:58:59.000 It's Don the Rolfer.
00:59:00.000 Don the Rolfer.
00:59:01.000 I like Ricky better.
00:59:02.000 I like Ricky better.
00:59:03.000 But that plantar fasciitis, man, was no joke.
00:59:06.000 Dominic Cruz got that when he came back after his surgery.
00:59:09.000 Really?
00:59:10.000 Yeah, tried to go too hard, too quick.
00:59:11.000 His feet are all taped up now whenever he fights.
00:59:14.000 That's why I walk that first 15 minutes.
00:59:17.000 I walk one mile to loosen up. 1.00
00:59:20.000 Something's fucking happening to my butt right now. 0.99
00:59:21.000 If you roll your toes in the beginning of the day, too, when you're lying in bed, if this is your foot, you just do this. 1.00
00:59:25.000 Ten times that way, then ten times that way.
00:59:28.000 Each foot.
00:59:28.000 I do a hundred push-ups.
00:59:30.000 In a row?
00:59:31.000 I'm joking.
00:59:32.000 How many chin-ups can you do?
00:59:34.000 Maybe three. 0.97
00:59:35.000 Get the fuck out of here. 0.95
00:59:36.000 I can't do chin-ups. 0.99
00:59:37.000 I can't do chin-ups, man.
00:59:39.000 How come you only do three?
00:59:40.000 When I was going to boot camp or not CrossFit.
00:59:42.000 Because you're in great shape?
00:59:43.000 No, I'm not a chin-up guy.
00:59:45.000 That's a lot of weight to lift up.
00:59:47.000 I'm a chin-up guy.
00:59:47.000 How many chin-ups can you do?
00:59:48.000 295 pounds for three is pretty impressive, dude.
00:59:50.000 I don't know, man.
00:59:50.000 15, 18. I love how we buy into the propaganda of buns, but we're honest.
00:59:57.000 I feel like Donald Trump right now.
00:59:58.000 I don't know if I can do any.
00:59:59.000 You're Barack Obama and I'm Donald Trump.
01:00:02.000 Totally.
01:00:03.000 If I can do any, I can do four.
01:00:05.000 Are you proposing, though, that...
01:00:07.000 What are you proposing with the no alcohol?
01:00:09.000 That was you guys that started that.
01:00:11.000 I am personally...
01:00:13.000 Personally, I thought...
01:00:15.000 I don't mind.
01:00:15.000 I think it's a good...
01:00:16.000 One of the things I liked about the challenge that Tom and I did was that people got into it as well and could do it with us.
01:00:21.000 And they started shaming each other, and that's the one thing, the feedback that I've gotten from it, is from people like, dude, me and my buddy started fat shaming each other.
01:00:27.000 Yeah, yeah, that's cool.
01:00:28.000 It's a lot of that.
01:00:29.000 Do you feel like the booze option of taking booze off the table for 90 months, or 90 days, rather?
01:00:37.000 Dude, he just had a very stroke.
01:00:39.000 He's like, no, no, wait, what?
01:00:40.000 90 months.
01:00:41.000 We're gonna do a little eight-year break now.
01:00:44.000 That was like you on the PCH in a motorcycle, and you see a guy texting.
01:00:47.000 Oh! 0.60
01:00:49.000 For you doing that for 90 days is just too daunting.
01:00:52.000 I can't do 90 days.
01:00:53.000 But is it because you appreciate the feeling that being drunk gives you?
01:01:00.000 Is it because you enjoy going on stage drunk?
01:01:04.000 Nope.
01:01:04.000 I don't drink on stage.
01:01:05.000 I will bring a cocktail on stage with me, but I never perform drunk.
01:01:08.000 Ever?
01:01:08.000 Ever.
01:01:09.000 I mean, I have, but I don't.
01:01:11.000 And you can ask anyone that's ever seen me perform.
01:01:13.000 I have a Tito's and Soda on stage with me, and I barely touch it.
01:01:16.000 I feel like there's definitely some tweets coming in like, I saw you hammered it.
01:01:20.000 By the way, by the way.
01:01:22.000 Here's one thing that I've absolutely promised I've never done and never will do.
01:01:27.000 I will never drink a fake shot.
01:01:28.000 Oh, I've never drank a fake shot.
01:01:30.000 That's the worst thing.
01:01:31.000 I've never drank a fake shot. 1.00
01:01:31.000 People do that shit. 1.00
01:01:32.000 They do that shit. 1.00
01:01:33.000 They're like, so-and-so does this. 1.00
01:01:34.000 I was like, no, I'm not going to drink a fake shot.
01:01:36.000 Just don't bring up a fake shot.
01:01:37.000 I think it became a necessity for some people, though, right?
01:01:40.000 Some dude did that to me, and I don't remember where it was. 0.99
01:01:43.000 And he just looked at me, and I drank, and I go, what the fuck was that? 0.93
01:01:46.000 I looked at him, and I go, what was that? 0.99
01:01:48.000 And he goes, uh...
01:01:52.000 Did you just give me a fake shot?
01:01:53.000 I go, do not do that, sir.
01:01:55.000 I go, you go back there and you get yourself some Jack Daniels. 1.00
01:01:58.000 Get me a real goddamn shot. 1.00
01:02:00.000 What kind of amateur night shit is this? 1.00
01:02:02.000 Some people would request that, and they would be like, we're partying here, fuckers! 1.00
01:02:07.000 My rule is, don't send me shots to stage, because I can't not do them. 1.00
01:02:11.000 Oh, yeah, of course.
01:02:12.000 Yeah.
01:02:13.000 You can't not do it.
01:02:14.000 I mean, let's be candid.
01:02:16.000 Yeah, now you can.
01:02:17.000 Like, people, when I go out on the road, for them, that might be their party for the month.
01:02:22.000 Oh, yeah.
01:02:22.000 And so, I get offered so many shots, I think it would blow you away.
01:02:29.000 Like, how many fireball, how many, just vodka shots get sent to the stage bars?
01:02:33.000 What would happen if you left the club, just like right after the show and went back to your room?
01:02:38.000 I don't know.
01:02:41.000 That's never happened!
01:02:42.000 I tried to do it one time, and the manager was like, hey man, we told everyone that you're going to this bar, it's packed, they're waiting for you.
01:02:53.000 And I got there and then Tito's had sent me a snowboard.
01:02:56.000 And it was like, my meet and greets are a little different because I don't mind hanging.
01:03:00.000 I mean, I know we all don't mind, but I don't mind.
01:03:02.000 I would much rather not do a meet and greet and just go to a bar at the end of the night and just, if you want to come up and tell me that you like the podcast, you love Tommy, or you think Ari's funnier than Tom, whatever.
01:03:11.000 I like that.
01:03:12.000 I don't mind that.
01:03:13.000 And it is part of what I do.
01:03:15.000 Can I ask a question?
01:03:16.000 Sure.
01:03:17.000 Do you think it's weird that alcohol companies are sending you things?
01:03:20.000 Just gifts?
01:03:21.000 No, I don't.
01:03:22.000 Did you say a snowboard?
01:03:24.000 Yeah, Tito sent me a snowboard. 1.00
01:03:25.000 Do you think you should snowboard while you're drinking that shit? 1.00
01:03:27.000 Shouldn't they be real clear about that on the packaging? 1.00
01:03:29.000 Dude, I gave it to the bartenders.
01:03:30.000 Drugsky is the best.
01:03:31.000 Don't use what we're sending you if you use what we make.
01:03:36.000 Yeah, exactly.
01:03:36.000 That should be on the note.
01:03:39.000 Yeah, that way should be super clear.
01:03:41.000 Otherwise, you should sue.
01:03:43.000 Tito sends me, usually the local reps will send me a gift basket in my room.
01:03:47.000 Every week?
01:03:47.000 Before I get there.
01:03:48.000 Yeah, it's been every week for a while.
01:03:49.000 Why don't you make some sort of a deal with them?
01:03:52.000 They don't do that.
01:03:53.000 What?
01:03:53.000 I don't know.
01:03:54.000 But you don't drink it because of a deal.
01:03:56.000 I drink it because I lost that weight when I was drinking Tito's. 1.00
01:03:59.000 And I was like, well, fuck it. 1.00
01:04:00.000 You switched to vodka. 1.00
01:04:01.000 It's a dietary supplement.
01:04:02.000 It's a dietary supplement.
01:04:04.000 Good move.
01:04:04.000 Strong move for health.
01:04:06.000 I got told that somewhere overseas.
01:04:08.000 And I was like, I don't know how I've gained weight when I'm so much more active and I'm eating less processed food.
01:04:12.000 And she's like, Changwe, it's beer weight. 0.97
01:04:14.000 You gotta switch to a fucking gin and tonic or something. 0.99
01:04:16.000 Take care of yourself. 1.00
01:04:16.000 Wait, wait. 1.00
01:04:17.000 It's also, it's all wheat.
01:04:18.000 We set up that you said definitely not 90 days.
01:04:21.000 Okay, definitely not 90 days.
01:04:22.000 Okay, I can't, okay.
01:04:23.000 I'm going to Australia.
01:04:24.000 You think you can do 30 days sober?
01:04:26.000 Yeah.
01:04:27.000 When?
01:04:28.000 Give me some time.
01:04:29.000 I feel like I'm negotiating a hostage.
01:04:32.000 Hold on, let me talk to them.
01:04:34.000 I can't do it because I'm going to Australia and Singapore.
01:04:36.000 My first instinct was, there's no way you're doing that in Australia.
01:04:39.000 They'll never let you be sober.
01:04:40.000 Why can't we just start it before you go on the trip?
01:04:43.000 Come on, man.
01:04:44.000 When is that trip?
01:04:45.000 Why do you get on this podcast and pretend like you don't know me better than any old man?
01:04:51.000 If you can do 30 days, you're always going to have an excuse why you're not doing it.
01:04:54.000 So why not just do it starting tomorrow?
01:04:56.000 I talked to Stanhope about it.
01:05:01.000 I told him about our conversation and he's like, I'll do 30 days.
01:05:04.000 Stanhope would go in?
01:05:05.000 Stanhope's in.
01:05:06.000 He goes, you got to give me a heads up because I got to carve it out.
01:05:08.000 Like, he takes himself away from, like, risks?
01:05:10.000 Stanhope takes, he's like, I can't.
01:05:12.000 And actually, he was, like, really excited about it.
01:05:14.000 What?
01:05:14.000 I can't, because I'm in Singapore on the 9th, Perth on the 11th, Sydney on the 13th, Melbourne on the 14th, Sydney on the 11th, and Brisbane on the 18th.
01:05:23.000 Guys, find me in Australia.
01:05:24.000 Please, in Sydney and Melbourne, those tickets are moving slower than Tom's were.
01:05:28.000 You can't.
01:05:30.000 You couldn't do a night in Singapore, two nights in Singapore on your way from Australia.
01:05:34.000 Also, you're going to be at...
01:05:35.000 But you couldn't do one night without getting drunk.
01:05:37.000 It's the flights.
01:05:39.000 It's the flights.
01:05:40.000 By the way, I can do...
01:05:40.000 What do you mean?
01:05:41.000 What do you mean?
01:05:41.000 I can do...
01:05:42.000 Right!
01:05:43.000 It's the flights.
01:05:44.000 How are you going to do any flights?
01:05:45.000 How are you going to do any flights?
01:05:46.000 You're scared.
01:05:47.000 I am willing.
01:05:48.000 I'm willing to do 30 days in October.
01:05:52.000 October 1st to the end of October.
01:05:53.000 Okay.
01:05:54.000 Not Thanksgiving.
01:05:55.000 Okay.
01:05:56.000 Halloween.
01:05:57.000 Why then?
01:05:58.000 Because I have a couple road dates.
01:06:00.000 And I will be very candid with you.
01:06:04.000 I do need to learn how to fly sober.
01:06:06.000 Yeah.
01:06:06.000 But I can't do it to Australia.
01:06:09.000 That's a good point.
01:06:10.000 That's fair.
01:06:11.000 I would never do that.
01:06:12.000 You pretty much always fly liquored up?
01:06:14.000 Yeah.
01:06:14.000 Man.
01:06:15.000 But hold on.
01:06:16.000 And now I'll tell you this.
01:06:17.000 Always you fly a lot.
01:06:18.000 Wait a minute, though.
01:06:19.000 Dude, the flight to San Francisco.
01:06:21.000 We flew to San Francisco.
01:06:22.000 That's an hour flight.
01:06:23.000 That's an hour flight.
01:06:24.000 Dude, let's recap.
01:06:26.000 What?
01:06:27.000 What?
01:06:28.000 Let's recap.
01:06:29.000 Start it off. 1.00
01:06:30.000 Oh, fuck me. 1.00
01:06:31.000 You start... 1.00
01:06:33.000 What'd you have on that flight?
01:06:37.000 I brought a cocktail to your house.
01:06:41.000 But it was a party!
01:06:43.000 That was a party!
01:06:44.000 I didn't have a show that night.
01:06:45.000 That's a different thing.
01:06:46.000 Can you describe the cup?
01:06:47.000 I think it was a 32-ounce Styrofoam cup.
01:06:53.000 By the way, I've come back on 32-ounce Tito's and Zodos.
01:06:57.000 And then in the airport, in the flight together, it was eight.
01:07:00.000 By the way, hold on.
01:07:01.000 I gotta tell you this.
01:07:02.000 You know for a fact that when we sat down at the thing and the guy recognized me, he didn't even ask what I wanted.
01:07:07.000 He brought what I drank.
01:07:08.000 And I said, one for Tommy.
01:07:10.000 And okay, now listen.
01:07:11.000 And we're also like, what's up, Bert?
01:07:13.000 At the bar.
01:07:14.000 At the bar.
01:07:14.000 At an airport bar.
01:07:17.000 And every bartender came by to say hi, because I tip well.
01:07:20.000 And by the way, I don't like flying.
01:07:22.000 I had a period of time where they prescribed me on Xanax, and that got away from me.
01:07:27.000 It literally did, because you get on a plane...
01:07:29.000 So you always...
01:07:30.000 I would take one, I'd take one...
01:07:32.000 Like a slippery fish headed downstream.
01:07:34.000 Yeah, I'd take one in the morning before the flight, I'd take one on the plane, and then...
01:07:38.000 So I was like, I'm no Xanax, it's not healthy.
01:07:42.000 I was like booze.
01:07:43.000 So you booze it up on flights home as well as flights there?
01:07:46.000 Oh, yeah.
01:07:47.000 More so on those.
01:07:48.000 Jesus.
01:07:49.000 Yeah.
01:07:49.000 I'm being honest.
01:07:50.000 Please.
01:07:50.000 No, no, no, no.
01:07:51.000 So this is going to be a tough challenge.
01:07:52.000 So we're down to 60 days is what you're saying to me.
01:07:55.000 Right?
01:07:55.000 No.
01:07:56.000 I can do October, I think.
01:07:58.000 What's the travel schedule like?
01:08:00.000 Ari's peeing. 1.00
01:08:02.000 What?
01:08:02.000 He's peeing in his kombucha jar.
01:08:05.000 He's down here peeing in his kombucha jar.
01:08:07.000 He's too much of an animal to just go to the bathroom.
01:08:10.000 I don't want to miss any of this.
01:08:11.000 There's nothing to miss, man. 0.99
01:08:12.000 We're talking shit. 1.00
01:08:13.000 I am! 1.00
01:08:13.000 He's already agreed to 55 days. 1.00
01:08:14.000 We'll recap you.
01:08:16.000 Don't worry, man.
01:08:16.000 We'll just let everybody know that you're peeing.
01:08:18.000 Now we have to deal with this jug-o-piss. 1.00
01:08:21.000 Oh, you nasty. 0.99
01:08:23.000 The thing about the difference between a glass of kombucha and a glass of piss is that the piss smells slightly better. 0.99
01:08:30.000 That is definitely true.
01:08:32.000 If you didn't enjoy the taste of kombucha and you just smelled it for the first time, it's like kimchi. 0.99
01:08:37.000 You ever smell kimchi for the first time and you're like, what the fuck is that? 0.99
01:08:41.000 And there's whale jizz in the kombucha. 1.00
01:08:43.000 You're holding your dick like you're in the middle of a piss. 1.00
01:08:46.000 Do you need a larger container? 1.00
01:08:48.000 Yeah, he's gonna switch. 1.00
01:08:50.000 Just go to the bathroom, you goddamn animal. 1.00
01:08:53.000 Just go to the bathroom. 1.00
01:08:55.000 You're gonna pee on my floor for sure. 1.00
01:08:57.000 You're plugging your dick into the hole, creating a constriction effect on the piss hole. 1.00
01:09:05.000 It's not the first time I pissed in a bottle, Joe. 1.00
01:09:07.000 Obviously, I don't need some air pressure.
01:09:08.000 It's not the first time you pissed in a bottle here.
01:09:11.000 You pissed in a bottle the last time you were here. 0.99
01:09:12.000 He's an animal. 0.97
01:09:13.000 That doesn't sound like me at all.
01:09:17.000 Bert, where are you flying in October?
01:09:19.000 Everywhere.
01:09:20.000 This is what makes it tricky.
01:09:24.000 Yeah, where are you going?
01:09:25.000 I mean, I'd love to sculpt it so it didn't make it tricky, but I'm at D.C. on the 30th of September.
01:09:34.000 You've got a cross-country flight.
01:09:35.000 Cross-country flight on the 1st will be my first in a little while.
01:09:40.000 I have done them recently, but that would be my first one on the first.
01:09:44.000 A six-hour flight.
01:09:46.000 This is where it gets complicated.
01:09:47.000 That's where you'll fail right there.
01:09:49.000 There's no way you survive even that.
01:09:51.000 Where's the second failure coming?
01:09:52.000 I have Chicago on the 19th to the 21st or 22nd.
01:09:57.000 I can't be right.
01:09:57.000 You can get through.
01:09:59.000 That's not even a flight situation.
01:10:00.000 That's hanging out in Chicago without drinking.
01:10:02.000 Yeah.
01:10:03.000 These are good challenges.
01:10:04.000 Those are good places to drink, though.
01:10:06.000 Exactly.
01:10:06.000 So many good bars.
01:10:07.000 That's why it's a good challenge.
01:10:08.000 I could do it.
01:10:10.000 I'm doing a college the night before, and I'm sure that the reason I got hired is they all want to hang out with me at a bar afterwards.
01:10:15.000 That's fine.
01:10:16.000 I'll just get in a car.
01:10:17.000 No, listen.
01:10:18.000 You get hired because you're a funny comedian.
01:10:20.000 Yeah, don't get that.
01:10:22.000 They don't hire you just because they can drink with you.
01:10:24.000 I got hired for a corporate for a lot of money, and I was like, that doesn't seem right.
01:10:28.000 And I got up there, and I started doing it.
01:10:29.000 The guy goes, tell the machine, and let's go to a bar.
01:10:31.000 And I was like, all right.
01:10:33.000 So I told the machine, and we went to a bar in Aspen. 1.00
01:10:35.000 And I was like, fuck it. 1.00
01:10:36.000 If that's what you guys wanted for that, I'll do it. 1.00
01:10:38.000 Wow.
01:10:39.000 That's so weird.
01:10:40.000 It's a corporate. 1.00
01:10:40.000 It's a bunch of millionaires from New York who just are like, we want that fucking guy. 1.00
01:10:44.000 We want that story. 1.00
01:10:45.000 Let's fucking party with him. 1.00
01:10:48.000 That's hilarious. 1.00
01:10:51.000 That's a lot of pressure.
01:10:53.000 Yeah.
01:10:54.000 I will say that I think sometimes it grates on you where you're like, hey man, I do want to go to bed.
01:11:00.000 Do you ever hear Kinnison talk about when he became famous and he would go to parties and they would go, it's him, it's him! 0.99
01:11:07.000 And they'd lay out a fucking line! 0.99
01:11:10.000 Lay out some crazy line of protein and he would snort it. 1.00
01:11:14.000 I forget how the bit went, but he talked about his heart was fucking pounding out of his chest. 0.97
01:11:18.000 He was barely alive. 0.92
01:11:19.000 But he didn't want to let them down.
01:11:22.000 It's a crazy thing that I get is that people always want to do shots.
01:11:25.000 I don't like shots.
01:11:26.000 But when I go to take a sip of a drink, I will drink my legit first drink when I do stand-up when I tell the machine story on the second show.
01:11:34.000 On the second show, when I start that, I go, this is cruise control.
01:11:37.000 I'm going to have my cocktail.
01:11:38.000 I'm going to try to catch a buzz in the middle of the story, and so I'll murder a Double Tito's and Soda, and that's my first drink.
01:11:46.000 Also, to be clear, I've never drank during a show.
01:11:51.000 Double Tito's and Soda. 1.00
01:11:53.000 I murder a fucking drink during a show. 1.00
01:11:57.000 I've already done an hour. 1.00
01:11:59.000 I'm just telling the machine story.
01:12:01.000 But, uh...
01:12:03.000 But here's the tricky part of this challenge, Ari, is that we're doing the Impractical Jokers cruise on the 1st, and Sal, when we started doing this, he went online.
01:12:10.000 He reached out to both of us.
01:12:11.000 Yeah, and was like, hey, please don't do this for our cruise.
01:12:13.000 Why?
01:12:14.000 Because there are guys...
01:12:15.000 Don't get healthy.
01:12:16.000 No, there are guys that bought tickets because they want to party with us.
01:12:19.000 The second party is like, no more weed, no more tripping, you know?
01:12:25.000 Sorry, I can't this time.
01:12:27.000 So wait a minute.
01:12:28.000 What day is the cruise?
01:12:30.000 On the 1st of November.
01:12:31.000 I see what you're saying.
01:12:32.000 But you're saying October.
01:12:33.000 Yeah, but we'd have to fly one more time. 0.99
01:12:36.000 My last day of the challenge would be on a fucking plane. 0.98
01:12:40.000 You're probably going to spend, I don't know, maybe you're not. 0.99
01:12:41.000 Yeah, but you can celebrate on the cruise.
01:12:44.000 First, but I would be landing on Halloween in New Orleans.
01:12:47.000 Halloween in New Orleans is tough.
01:12:48.000 But that's what makes it a tough challenge.
01:12:50.000 It's a tough challenge.
01:12:50.000 And the ScramCam, you cannot cheat it.
01:12:52.000 It's going to be buckled to you.
01:12:54.000 The ScramCam.
01:12:55.000 I'll ScramCam.
01:12:55.000 This episode is brought to you by ScramCam.com.
01:12:58.000 ScramCam.com. 0.99
01:12:58.000 I'll ScramCam in a fucking heartbeat. 0.99
01:13:00.000 Listen, by the way, by the way. 1.00
01:13:01.000 Bitches be lying. 1.00
01:13:03.000 Bye. 1.00
01:13:04.000 Calling Andy Dick in the middle of the night.
01:13:05.000 Hey, yo, how do you fudge those scram cam results? 0.98
01:13:07.000 So on Halloween, when everyone's lit up and you're going to the airport to go to New Orleans into the fucking heart of darkness, you're going to be able to survive. 0.96
01:13:14.000 You're not going to just say, it's close enough. 0.98
01:13:16.000 Nope.
01:13:16.000 If I got that scram...
01:13:18.000 Look, let me tell you something about me.
01:13:19.000 I promise you this.
01:13:20.000 Ooh, Longstrand, Mickey Mantle, DNA. Yeah.
01:13:23.000 I remember that shit. 1.00
01:13:25.000 I still got it. 1.00
01:13:26.000 I still got it.
01:13:27.000 Dude, he's in great shape.
01:13:29.000 Let's do this.
01:13:30.000 I would love to weigh you right now.
01:13:32.000 Why can't we weigh you right now?
01:13:34.000 Just pick me up and pick up buns and see who's heavier. 0.98
01:13:37.000 And then look over our heads and see who's shorter.
01:13:39.000 What does that mean?
01:13:41.000 What does that mean?
01:13:44.000 You didn't even respond to what he said.
01:13:46.000 You're like talking about something completely different.
01:13:49.000 Like, who's heavier?
01:13:49.000 You say he's heavier than you now?
01:13:51.000 Nah, I think we're probably the same weight.
01:13:53.000 We're going to your house after this.
01:13:55.000 Yeah, we'll get on your scale.
01:13:56.000 We'll get on your scale. 1.00
01:13:57.000 Please put that shit on Periscope. 0.99
01:13:58.000 I would love to see it. 1.00
01:13:58.000 Put Periscope the fuck out of that. 1.00
01:14:00.000 I think it's probably similar, actually.
01:14:01.000 I think it's similar.
01:14:02.000 Do what you gotta do.
01:14:03.000 Go Instagram Live, perhaps.
01:14:06.000 Yeah.
01:14:07.000 Yeah.
01:14:08.000 Right now, there's some people right now, right now super uncomfortable with their own personal weight.
01:14:11.000 They're screaming at the three of us.
01:14:13.000 You guys are fat shaming, bud!
01:14:15.000 No, no, no. 0.83
01:14:16.000 Oh, yeah.
01:14:16.000 Yeah, we are.
01:14:17.000 You guys are fat shaming, bud, and it's disgusting! 0.99
01:14:23.000 Fat shaming changed my life. 0.99
01:14:25.000 It changed my life for the better.
01:14:27.000 Can I tell you the greatest thing about this weight loss in the running is just putting on my shoes.
01:14:34.000 What?
01:14:34.000 You gained foot weight?
01:14:36.000 No, it was so difficult...
01:14:38.000 Jesus Christ!
01:14:44.000 Are you...
01:14:45.000 What?
01:15:01.000 You know what I've always thought though, for real, people that are giant and then lose all their weight, they must have incredible leg muscles.
01:15:08.000 Dude, what's...
01:15:11.000 What's Daniel Tosh's best friend, Eddie...
01:15:14.000 Gosling?
01:15:15.000 Eddie Gosling. 0.99
01:15:15.000 When we did a voiceover, like a cartoon together or something, and we were in the sound booth together, and Tosh is in the other room, and I go, God, man, Eddie, you've got fucking big calves. 0.99
01:15:25.000 And he's like, yeah, yeah, I know. 0.97
01:15:26.000 I said, no, you've got, like, really big calves.
01:15:29.000 And he's like, no, I get that a lot.
01:15:30.000 And I go, no, Eddie, you've got...
01:15:32.000 And I see Tosh is in the sound booth, and he's laughing hysterically.
01:15:35.000 I go, what is it?
01:15:36.000 And he goes, he used to be 380 pounds.
01:15:38.000 That's why he's got big calves.
01:15:39.000 And I was like...
01:15:40.000 Oh! 0.60
01:15:41.000 That's a good Tosh impression, by the way.
01:15:45.000 380!
01:15:45.000 Here's to be 380 pounds.
01:15:47.000 Here's to be 380 pounds.
01:15:49.000 Wow.
01:15:52.000 So, okay, so you must have similar calf muscles then.
01:15:55.000 No, he's not that big.
01:15:57.000 He's about 375. Scram. 0.99
01:15:59.000 Scram.
01:16:00.000 Continuous alcohol monitoring.
01:16:02.000 I wonder if you could, like, do you think people play, like, role-playing games with their spouses and they put those on each other? 1.00
01:16:09.000 If I catch you drinking, bitch, you're going to suck this dick. 1.00
01:16:12.000 Oh, yeah. 1.00
01:16:12.000 That's a great one. 1.00
01:16:13.000 I'm not drinking.
01:16:14.000 I don't drink. 1.00
01:16:15.000 Get her in shit. 1.00
01:16:15.000 Your machine's bullshit. 1.00
01:16:17.000 The machine's bullshit. 1.00
01:16:19.000 Reading is always correct. 1.00
01:16:21.000 You're a liar. 1.00
01:16:22.000 Wait, that doesn't say... 1.00
01:16:23.000 You're gonna have to suck that dick. 1.00
01:16:25.000 That doesn't play role-playing games. 1.00
01:16:27.000 Yeah, exactly.
01:16:27.000 It's like, oh, it's so hot.
01:16:28.000 You know what's hot?
01:16:29.000 Girls who wear those pantyhose with the elastic band around the top. 1.00
01:16:32.000 Why is that hot?
01:16:33.000 Why is that hot?
01:16:34.000 Why is it hot with the way your pantyhose are connected?
01:16:36.000 Why is that hot?
01:16:37.000 Yeah.
01:16:38.000 I don't know, but it is.
01:16:39.000 Right?
01:16:39.000 It doesn't make sense.
01:16:40.000 Why is it hot?
01:16:41.000 A girl wearing garter belt is extra dirty. 1.00
01:16:44.000 I like when you find something that you didn't know is dirty, and then you see it and you go, that's my new...
01:16:50.000 That's dirty.
01:16:50.000 You know what's really sexy?
01:16:52.000 Dirt.
01:16:52.000 Glasses.
01:16:53.000 Turn this on.
01:16:54.000 Turn this on.
01:16:54.000 I like a chick who can't see that good.
01:17:02.000 What?
01:17:03.000 What's really good?
01:17:04.000 I don't know.
01:17:07.000 I think it's better to end on his.
01:17:09.000 No!
01:17:10.000 Tell us.
01:17:11.000 What? 1.00
01:17:11.000 Like when a girl smells like shit. 1.00
01:17:15.000 Yeah, man. 1.00
01:17:16.000 What do you like, man?
01:17:17.000 I like a chick who's barely showering. 1.00
01:17:19.000 I hate showering.
01:17:20.000 No, nothing.
01:17:21.000 Come on! 0.61
01:17:22.000 The last porn I saw that really kind of registered me in a new way, I was like, is this thing called the dancing bear? 0.71
01:17:35.000 So, what it is, is...
01:17:38.000 What?
01:17:39.000 Hold on.
01:17:40.000 You gotta hear the whole story.
01:17:41.000 Don't start tearing it apart.
01:17:42.000 Okay.
01:17:43.000 It's a faux bachelorette party.
01:17:45.000 So they come in with a dancing bear who's dancing around, right? 0.99
01:17:48.000 And then he goes back, and he comes out, and he's got a big dick, and he's just... 0.99
01:17:52.000 Does he get caught by accident? 1.00
01:17:54.000 No, no, no, no.
01:17:55.000 So this is what turned me on though.
01:17:56.000 What?
01:17:57.000 He comes out and it's a bachelor party, but there's like 30 girls.
01:18:03.000 It's like really big, right? 1.00
01:18:05.000 Clearly a couple of them are porn stars that he's going to fuck because it's a porn. 1.00
01:18:11.000 Do you think his dick was taller than Tom? 1.00
01:18:14.000 Probably. 1.00
01:18:16.000 The rest of them are hired just actresses. 0.99
01:18:18.000 They're not porn stars.
01:18:19.000 They're not going to pay that much. 1.00
01:18:20.000 But what turned me on was when he would join in with one of the paid regulars, and he's just like, he's fucking this girl, and this girl's trying to act, and he puts his finger in her mouth. 0.99
01:18:30.000 The look on her face when she went, oh, I guess I'm in this. 0.99
01:18:33.000 I was like, dad, I want something real.
01:18:35.000 Yeah, you want to terrify someone. 1.00
01:18:36.000 So this was a girl that wasn't supposed to get fucked, that got fucked? 1.00
01:18:40.000 No, she didn't even get fucked. 1.00
01:18:41.000 She didn't get fucked. 1.00
01:18:41.000 She just sucked his finger? 1.00
01:18:42.000 Yeah, but it was like... 1.00
01:18:43.000 She was a regular girl.
01:18:44.000 She was a regular girl. 0.57
01:18:45.000 She wasn't a porn star. 1.00
01:18:46.000 She wasn't a porn star. 1.00
01:18:47.000 And so all of a sudden, but the look on her face, and then she started sucking his finger. 0.99
01:18:51.000 And you're going, oh, this is how a real girl does it. 1.00
01:18:53.000 Like, timid and nervous.
01:18:56.000 They're a dude jacking off in their cars right now, driving.
01:19:00.000 Oh, yeah.
01:19:01.000 To Burt's voice.
01:19:04.000 Oh, man.
01:19:07.000 It's the whole thing I liked about downblousing. 0.67
01:19:10.000 Down blousing.
01:19:10.000 I told you about down blousing.
01:19:12.000 You just pulled down someone's skirt.
01:19:13.000 Those videos were hilarious.
01:19:15.000 They pants people too. 1.00
01:19:17.000 Down blousing is videos of girls cleaning toilets in a loose-fitting shirt with no bra and then talking to the camera about inane bullshit like your wife would. 1.00
01:19:28.000 But all you're doing is seeing a little bit of nip and you're like, oh, there's tigers in these woods. 1.00
01:19:33.000 Like your wife would. 0.99
01:19:35.000 So it's real. 1.00
01:19:36.000 It's fucking real. 0.99
01:19:38.000 She's like, hey, we should probably get new trash cans. 1.00
01:19:41.000 And you're like, you're watching it, but you're seeing nip.
01:19:44.000 In the video, I'm watching it, and I'm nodding, going, uh-huh, yeah, what, yeah, uh-huh, whatever.
01:19:48.000 Just a hint of titty.
01:19:50.000 Today we had to drain our above-ground pool.
01:19:53.000 We're getting a real pool.
01:19:55.000 And so Leanne and I were joking around in bed talking about this dream I had.
01:19:59.000 And then she goes, let's do this now before it gets hot.
01:20:03.000 And she goes, I'm going to go put a brawl on. 1.00
01:20:04.000 And I go, or don't.
01:20:05.000 And I'll do the whole thing by myself. 0.99
01:20:06.000 Just that little fucking side boob action you see. 1.00
01:20:11.000 I fucking love that shit. 1.00
01:20:12.000 So what did she do? 1.00
01:20:12.000 She kept her bra off. 1.00
01:20:13.000 I drained the pool.
01:20:14.000 Wow, look at you.
01:20:15.000 Then ran three miles.
01:20:16.000 Came here. 0.76
01:20:16.000 Crazy. 0.76
01:20:17.000 Three miles.
01:20:18.000 296?
01:20:18.000 Three miles.
01:20:19.000 Have you guys seen those treadmills where you actually do run?
01:20:21.000 There's a treadmills that's man-powered.
01:20:23.000 It's called like a woodwork or something it's called.
01:20:25.000 I thought you were saying bird doesn't run.
01:20:28.000 No, I think that's what he's saying!
01:20:29.000 They're non-motorized treadmills.
01:20:32.000 It has wood in the nose.
01:20:35.000 Use those now.
01:20:35.000 They use them in like legit strength and conditioning centers.
01:20:39.000 They really take off.
01:20:39.000 Which one was my treadmill?
01:20:41.000 But this has resistance and it's built like a banana.
01:20:44.000 So you're running on this slope.
01:20:46.000 So it's all entirely on the actual motion of you pushing your body.
01:20:50.000 Yeah, that's it.
01:20:51.000 They're pretty badass.
01:20:53.000 Speed fit.
01:20:53.000 It's very interesting.
01:20:54.000 Because the faster you run, like physically run, the faster it goes.
01:20:59.000 You push it.
01:21:00.000 You don't have to press up.
01:21:02.000 You're not keeping up with it.
01:21:03.000 You're actually pushing it.
01:21:05.000 So it's like a teleprompter.
01:21:06.000 No, no, no, no.
01:21:07.000 No, like when you read a teleprompter, it goes at your pace.
01:21:09.000 So if you read faster, it goes faster.
01:21:11.000 If you read slower, it goes slower.
01:21:12.000 Well, it's a mechanical thing.
01:21:14.000 The physical action of you running and pushing it because you're on this slope, that's what makes it go fast.
01:21:21.000 So you don't have to worry about keeping up with it.
01:21:25.000 It keeps up with you.
01:21:26.000 And it's all a much more natural stride than keeping up with something that's on a mechanism that's having the belt feed towards you.
01:21:34.000 So this is what it looks like when you're running on these things.
01:21:37.000 Oh, that's Woodway.
01:21:38.000 It's a step higher to increase your pace.
01:21:40.000 You're actually pushing it.
01:21:42.000 Step higher to increase...
01:21:43.000 I will say, in all honesty, I know that we joke, I will say I've been worried about the idea that running on a treadmill is not...
01:21:51.000 It's making my legs move at that rate.
01:21:54.000 As opposed to making my legs take me...
01:21:56.000 You're doing good work on a treadmill.
01:21:56.000 You're sweating.
01:21:57.000 It's good.
01:21:58.000 It is good.
01:21:59.000 But you see how this guy's running?
01:22:00.000 How the ball of his feet is landing?
01:22:02.000 It's because he's running on a slight uphill slant.
01:22:05.000 And that's how you're supposed to land on your feet.
01:22:08.000 The body is designed to almost lean forward and you catch yourself on the ball of your feet.
01:22:14.000 How much are these?
01:22:15.000 I don't know.
01:22:16.000 When you're running on an uphill slant, you're more likely to do that. 1.00
01:22:20.000 I think they're expensive as shit. 0.99
01:22:21.000 Are you serious? 1.00
01:22:22.000 Yeah.
01:22:22.000 How much?
01:22:23.000 I think it's not cheap.
01:22:25.000 What's the name of it?
01:22:26.000 That's the Woodway. 1.00
01:22:27.000 Dude, running hills is the shit. 1.00
01:22:29.000 And if you live in a place where you can't run hills, I get it. 1.00
01:22:32.000 But if you do live in a place that has hills, running hills is the shit, man. 1.00
01:22:36.000 It is fucking amazing for a workout. 0.99
01:22:39.000 You run, put a heart rate monitor on, let yourself get jacked up to a certain heart rate, and take your time, when you get down to 140 beats per minute, start running again. 0.99
01:22:51.000 Jack that fucker up again to 190, go as far as you can, let it get down to 140, and if you just keep doing that over and over and over again, you develop so much. 0.96
01:22:59.000 Feel better. 0.99
01:23:00.000 Your legs move better.
01:23:02.000 Your feet are stronger.
01:23:03.000 The difference between running, if you have the opportunity, we live in a place that has canyons everywhere, man. 1.00
01:23:09.000 There's fucking trails everywhere, and they're all steep as shit. 1.00
01:23:13.000 Runyon is steep as shit. 1.00
01:23:15.000 If you can get to Runyon and run up that fucking thing, that's a phenomenal workout, man. 1.00
01:23:20.000 Fucking insane. 0.99
01:23:21.000 I will say this, though, and by the way, and I have to say this, I have to give a huge shout out to Cameron Haynes, because when I really started doing all this, I think it was when you met him, and trying to get in shape, and I hear his fucking mottos, and I'm sure he's probably said to himself, 0.98
01:23:37.000 you know, I should, whatever, but I hear his mottos, no one cares, work harder.
01:23:41.000 I hear that when I run, sometimes it's inspiration. 1.00
01:23:45.000 Fuck yeah. 0.97
01:23:45.000 But I will say that sometimes, and I will say to people like myself, who are not as Good of the shape of Cameron Haynes. 0.97
01:23:52.000 Some models could be, no one cares, but don't get injured. 1.00
01:23:55.000 Because that is a big problem with running.
01:23:58.000 Dude, that guy's so tough.
01:23:59.000 If he got injured, he doesn't realize he got injured.
01:24:03.000 Not him.
01:24:03.000 He just keeps going.
01:24:04.000 Not him, but I mean, people who listen to his inspiration, sometimes I've been like, oh, I should not really try to kill myself because I actually might.
01:24:11.000 You can't measure yourself against that guy.
01:24:13.000 He runs a marathon a day.
01:24:15.000 Do you think he'd be disappointed that you could not do a marathon?
01:24:18.000 You readily admitted it?
01:24:19.000 I think if Cameron Haynes and I ran for a day, I think he'd definitely say you could do a marathon.
01:24:24.000 Wait, do you know him?
01:24:25.000 No, I don't.
01:24:25.000 I've texted and tweeted.
01:24:27.000 I think he would only be running with you for the first 30 or 40 meters.
01:24:31.000 No, I wouldn't keep up with him, Joe.
01:24:33.000 It would be this preposterous conversation with you talking to a man who's far in the distance.
01:24:38.000 It's two guys in really good shape.
01:24:40.000 You guys know where the water is?
01:24:41.000 Two great-shaped guys.
01:24:41.000 Two great-shaped guys just running together.
01:24:43.000 Two guys who are in great shape.
01:24:45.000 Cam runs a marathon literally every day.
01:24:48.000 I bet he wouldn't like you.
01:24:50.000 Can we add that to the back?
01:24:54.000 That's his feet after running 205 miles.
01:24:58.000 What?
01:24:59.000 I could not.
01:25:01.000 Ew, his tornadoes are off or they fall off.
01:25:03.000 That's his first hundred?
01:25:05.000 Yeah.
01:25:05.000 Oh, okay, this is a different one.
01:25:06.000 He's got a bunch of these disgusting feet photographs online.
01:25:09.000 Love it. 1.00
01:25:09.000 Of him losing toenails and shit. 1.00
01:25:11.000 Fucking love it. 0.99
01:25:12.000 So, last year he ran 205 miles, and this year he's prepping for something in October that's the first time they're doing it. 0.97
01:25:21.000 238 miles.
01:25:22.000 Have you ever asked him about the approach that he went from being, let's say, just a guy in shape running to doing the 100 miles?
01:25:28.000 Did he start going like, I'll start doing marathons and then tack on two in a day?
01:25:34.000 Yeah, the first marathon he did was very difficult for sure, but then he started running more.
01:25:38.000 And then one time he beat Lance Armstrong in the Boston Marathon.
01:25:41.000 He beat Lance Armstrong.
01:25:42.000 On a bike?
01:25:44.000 Lance was running the Boston Marathon.
01:25:47.000 Lance Armstrong actually started out as a runner.
01:25:50.000 I was asking for real, though.
01:25:52.000 Hey, this is a good question.
01:25:53.000 Was this before or after Lance got in trouble?
01:25:58.000 Like, I really thought that's what it meant. 1.00
01:26:00.000 That's so stupid. 1.00
01:26:01.000 He's so fast! 1.00
01:26:03.000 He beat him on the bike! 1.00
01:26:03.000 I was like, wow, I know a lot of hills, but fuck! 1.00
01:26:07.000 He's one of the Avengers, bro. 1.00
01:26:08.000 You can't even see his legs moving like he's just a blurb.
01:26:11.000 No, because Lance Armstrong is really good at biking.
01:26:14.000 That's crazy.
01:26:15.000 Is it a bike factor?
01:26:16.000 Or am I wrong?
01:26:17.000 Can someone please audiograph all of Ari's statements that have done killed me today?
01:26:22.000 Your feet got fatter?
01:26:23.000 That is worth mentioning, that he could beat a biker. 0.80
01:26:25.000 That's super important.
01:26:27.000 By being running.
01:26:29.000 And then he started doing crazy ones, then he did a bunch of 100s.
01:26:33.000 A bunch of 100s.
01:26:34.000 Last year he did the Bigfoot 200, which is actually 205 miles. 1.00
01:26:37.000 What the fuck, man? 0.99
01:26:38.000 And it's several thousand feet of elevation, too. 1.00
01:26:40.000 You're going up, running through the mountains and shit. 0.99
01:26:42.000 Does he take breaks? 0.99
01:26:43.000 That's him.
01:26:44.000 Does he walk for 100 meters?
01:26:46.000 Hold on, that's not him.
01:26:47.000 Yeah, it is.
01:26:47.000 That's Cam when he was all skinny.
01:26:49.000 Cam was real skinny at one point in time.
01:26:50.000 I'm sorry. 0.98
01:26:51.000 I'm a fucking fan of Sublime, I guess. 0.99
01:26:53.000 What the fuck is that? 1.00
01:26:56.000 It's called Military Sun. 0.99
01:26:57.000 That is not Cam.
01:26:58.000 That is Cam.
01:26:59.000 That is not Cam!
01:27:00.000 Yeah, that's Cam many moons ago.
01:27:02.000 This thing is, I wonder, like, which incarnation of Lance Armstrong.
01:27:06.000 It's 2008, so it would have been right in the middle of Livestrong.
01:27:09.000 That's why he's wearing all that Nike stuff.
01:27:10.000 Oh, that's right.
01:27:11.000 So that's before he got busted.
01:27:12.000 But he was juiced to the gills.
01:27:14.000 I wonder.
01:27:15.000 He was going for it there.
01:27:16.000 He'd be a roided-up Lance Armstrong.
01:27:19.000 Wow, I wonder.
01:27:20.000 I wonder if maybe he's in his off-season and he was cycling.
01:27:23.000 Cycling off?
01:27:24.000 Get it?
01:27:25.000 I wonder what kind of inspiration it was for Cameron to realize your friend with the camera is around the corner and I see Lance Armstrong on my sights.
01:27:34.000 And I can get a picture where I'm passing it. 0.99
01:27:36.000 Have you ever done that to a fat chick at the fucking reservoir? 1.00
01:27:39.000 And you're like, I'm gonna pass her fucking ho-ho. 1.00
01:27:42.000 I'm not gonna walk past her. 0.99
01:27:43.000 I'm gonna fucking pound it. 1.00
01:27:44.000 A reservoir? 0.99
01:27:45.000 Yeah, there's a reservoir I run.
01:27:46.000 In his dreams, he runs outside.
01:27:47.000 Do you think people understand that you were talking about running a reservoir?
01:27:50.000 Like, the fat chick at the reservoir. 1.00
01:27:51.000 Everybody's like, what the fuck is he talking about? 1.00
01:27:52.000 You knew what the fuck I was talking about. 1.00
01:27:54.000 It took me a second, though. 1.00
01:27:54.000 I thought you meant having sex with a girl in high school. 1.00
01:27:56.000 But wouldn't you think that, like, the people at home that don't live near reservoirs don't know that people run around reservoirs in L.A.? I didn't know.
01:28:02.000 I didn't think that into it.
01:28:03.000 L.A. has so little wildlife. 0.99
01:28:05.000 We're like, let's just run around a fucking big pool. 0.99
01:28:07.000 Oh, yeah. 0.99
01:28:07.000 So we made a giant cement pool. 0.99
01:28:09.000 They call it the reservoir. 1.00
01:28:10.000 We're all riding around it like assholes. 1.00
01:28:12.000 Out here in nature. 1.00
01:28:13.000 Yeah.
01:28:17.000 That and the L.A. River are the perfect examples of how fake L.A. is. 0.99
01:28:22.000 Anybody would think it's a real fucking river. 0.98
01:28:24.000 Have you ever heard of it? 0.99
01:28:26.000 But have you seen it?
01:28:26.000 You're like, it's an underpass.
01:28:28.000 What are you talking about?
01:28:29.000 No, no, no, it's the L.A. River.
01:28:30.000 Like, what?
01:28:31.000 What?
01:28:31.000 No.
01:28:32.000 Have you seen it in a big rainstorm, though, and walked past it and stopped?
01:28:35.000 Yeah, salmon are going uphill.
01:28:35.000 And stopped, and you're like, wow, that's our river.
01:28:38.000 Beautiful.
01:28:38.000 Beautiful.
01:28:39.000 Thanks, Colorado.
01:28:40.000 I appreciate your water.
01:28:41.000 It's all water runoff, you know?
01:28:44.000 So nasty.
01:28:45.000 Did you ever see...
01:28:46.000 Look at that.
01:28:47.000 I saw that.
01:28:47.000 The LA River full blast.
01:28:48.000 It does get full blast sometimes when we do need that. 0.75
01:28:51.000 Like last year, last year got fucking crazy with the amount of water. 0.88
01:28:55.000 A lot. 0.91
01:28:56.000 Dude, there was so much water.
01:28:57.000 It rained so hard for so many days.
01:28:59.000 They lifted that drought finally last year.
01:29:01.000 It pulled us out of the drought.
01:29:02.000 The one that nobody in LA listens to.
01:29:03.000 Actually, was that early this year?
01:29:05.000 Yeah.
01:29:05.000 Yeah, early this year.
01:29:06.000 Yeah.
01:29:06.000 But here's the thing.
01:29:08.000 You guys know about the Salton Sea?
01:29:09.000 Mm-hmm.
01:29:10.000 The Salton Sea was a place that they created by opening up the Colorado River, and they literally made a giant inland sea, and it was good for a little while.
01:29:20.000 Excuse me.
01:29:21.000 It was good for a little while until the runoff from all these farms, from all this, like, giant, large-scale agriculture, all the chemicals and all the pesticides would get in the runoff, and then it got into the water and poisoned everything, and there's mass fished To the point where,
01:29:37.000 before this, they were calling it the Inland Riviera, like California's Inland Riviera.
01:29:43.000 And Sonny Bono used to go there, and all these people used to party there, and it was like this big resort location.
01:29:50.000 Now, there are beaches that there's so many dead fish bones that the white of the beach sand is actually fish skeleton.
01:29:59.000 What?
01:30:00.000 That's crazy.
01:30:01.000 Millions and millions of fish.
01:30:03.000 Awesome.
01:30:04.000 There's still fish there and there's still people there because it's an enormous piece of water. 1.00
01:30:09.000 Fuck. 1.00
01:30:09.000 Look at that. 1.00
01:30:10.000 Those are all dead fish from this one place.
01:30:11.000 So they have these mass die-offs where there's like no oxygen in the water or pollutants in the water.
01:30:17.000 They have giant dead zones.
01:30:18.000 These fish just float up the surface.
01:30:20.000 But there's still people that fish in that water and there's still people that eat those fish.
01:30:24.000 And there's these communities around them.
01:30:26.000 Survivor fish?
01:30:27.000 Dude, there's this amazing documentary on it.
01:30:29.000 I wish I could remember what it's called.
01:30:31.000 There's a Val Kilmer movie called Salt and Sea.
01:30:34.000 I saw that.
01:30:35.000 But the documentaries, what's fascinating is they interview the people that live in the surrounding communities, which are the remnants of what they thought was going to be like these people that lived around the resorts.
01:30:44.000 Dude, it's so crazy.
01:30:46.000 Plagues and Preasures of the Salt and Sea.
01:30:48.000 Who produced that?
01:30:49.000 Somebody important produced that, too.
01:30:51.000 John Waters, that's right.
01:30:52.000 Yes, this is it.
01:30:53.000 Narrated by John Waters.
01:30:54.000 Yeah, that's the one.
01:30:55.000 It's amazing, dude.
01:30:57.000 It's amazing.
01:30:58.000 Sonny Bono, before he died, wanted to develop some sort of desalinization, like filtration system.
01:31:06.000 To get it back?
01:31:06.000 For the Salton Sea to bring it back.
01:31:08.000 Yeah, because he remembers what it was like when he was a kid.
01:31:10.000 Man, look how beautiful that is.
01:31:12.000 But in that John Waters movie, when John Waters narrates his movie, you get to see the despair that's in the community now.
01:31:21.000 It's really sad.
01:31:22.000 Tom, back on screen.
01:31:29.000 Anyway, what's it called again?
01:31:32.000 Plagues and Pleasures of the Solving City.
01:31:35.000 Tom, you could totally look like that guy.
01:31:37.000 Probably.
01:31:38.000 The hair is just about the same.
01:31:41.000 By the way, I gotta give a shout out to Tommy. 0.99
01:31:43.000 That fucking mayor thing you did, I don't know why that's not a TV show. 0.99
01:31:47.000 Oh, thanks, man. 0.99
01:31:47.000 That is so funny. 0.99
01:31:48.000 You ever see that?
01:31:49.000 Uh-uh.
01:31:49.000 Tom's got a mayor of Cincinnati?
01:31:51.000 Uh, Detroit.
01:31:53.000 Where is it?
01:31:53.000 Detroit!
01:31:54.000 What is it?
01:31:54.000 Just take a YouTube short film.
01:31:55.000 He just did a fucking short film where he's just, it's fucking hilarious. 0.99
01:31:59.000 I'll play this. 0.99
01:32:00.000 Is that Martin?
01:32:02.000 Whose is this?
01:32:03.000 It's Tom's.
01:32:03.000 No, I didn't pay for it.
01:32:05.000 No, no.
01:32:07.000 Well, I don't want to get us pulled.
01:32:08.000 No, no, no.
01:32:10.000 You can play it.
01:32:11.000 You sure?
01:32:12.000 Yeah.
01:32:12.000 Wait, wait, wait.
01:32:14.000 Back up.
01:32:15.000 Commissioner Gordon's on his way over.
01:32:17.000 Na-na [...]-na, Batman!
01:32:20.000 Tell me that's not the reason you picked him.
01:32:22.000 Look, when there's five candidates for police commissioner and one of them's named Gordon, your decision suddenly becomes very easy.
01:32:30.000 Commissioner Gordon?
01:32:32.000 There is a video of you smoking crack.
01:32:35.000 Okay?
01:32:36.000 Not okay.
01:32:36.000 Crackhead wants $100,000.
01:32:38.000 Oh! 0.60
01:32:39.000 This crack should be mandatory in schools.
01:32:42.000 If every kid in Detroit could get crack, we could catch up to the Chinese with this stuff. 1.00
01:32:46.000 You gotta get it for every kid.
01:32:47.000 No kid left behind without crack.
01:32:50.000 You know, Hank, my only regret is that you weren't able to sneak the word crack in a few more times.
01:32:53.000 As king of Detroit, I hereby declare today Crack Day!
01:32:59.000 So you were like that guy from Toronto?
01:33:02.000 Oh, yeah, man.
01:33:02.000 Yeah, and then they actually, but we made this a little while ago, and then they actually did a feature about it, where they straight up just did it on him.
01:33:10.000 Like, very much like this.
01:33:11.000 Oh, really?
01:33:12.000 Yeah.
01:33:13.000 That guy was a character and a half, man.
01:33:15.000 Man, he was wild. 0.99
01:33:16.000 Did you ever see when he got coked up and he was talking about fighting people, that he was like Mike Tyson and he would jump on them and beat their ass? 0.98
01:33:21.000 Oh, I've seen, we watched a lot of Did you see the one where he did it, like, at Town Hall? 0.97
01:33:26.000 And he's like, no.
01:33:27.000 And it's like a midday press thing.
01:33:29.000 Oh, he was wonderful.
01:33:30.000 And they're like, uh, just ask, they didn't ask him specifically about this. 1.00
01:33:33.000 He goes, and by the way, I did not tell that lady I'm going to eat her pussy, okay? 1.00
01:33:39.000 He goes, I get plenty of that back at home. 1.00
01:33:41.000 He goes, I get plenty to eat at home.
01:33:43.000 And then, yeah, I get plenty to eat at home. 1.00
01:33:45.000 And then he turns to the camera, and the reporter's like, oh, shit. 1.00
01:33:49.000 Wait, crank it up, crank it up. 0.99
01:34:01.000 I'm very happily married at home.
01:34:04.000 That's very disturbing against my wife.
01:34:07.000 Unfortunately, I have to take legal action against Isaac Granson and George Christopoulos and Mark Toohey.
01:34:14.000 I have to take legal action against the waiter that said I was doing limes at the beer market.
01:34:19.000 That is outright lies.
01:34:21.000 That is not true.
01:34:23.000 But it hurts my wife when they're calling a friend of mine a I'm the last one to take legal action.
01:34:40.000 I can't put up with it anymore.
01:34:42.000 So I've named the memes.
01:34:44.000 Litigation will be starting shortly.
01:34:46.000 I've had enough.
01:34:47.000 That's why I warned you guys yesterday.
01:34:48.000 Be careful what you wrote.
01:34:50.000 Okay?
01:34:50.000 So that's all I have to say for now.
01:34:52.000 And the next thing, I want to call Mayor Britannia in Hamilton and tell him that we're going to have to spank the little I just said that. 1.00
01:35:06.000 In my life tour, I would never do that.
01:35:08.000 After I'm married, I've got more than enough to be at home.
01:35:13.000 Mic Drop! 0.99
01:35:14.000 That's Mic Drop, greatest fucking male interview of all time. 0.99
01:35:19.000 Mic Drop. 0.98
01:35:20.000 You know, he died and there was no coverage of that.
01:35:25.000 He died.
01:35:26.000 I got sad.
01:35:28.000 You don't think so?
01:35:29.000 No, there was.
01:35:30.000 There was.
01:35:31.000 I saw a lot.
01:35:31.000 Was there really?
01:35:33.000 I got sad.
01:35:35.000 He came to the store once.
01:35:36.000 For real?
01:35:37.000 Yeah, he was great.
01:35:38.000 Drinking.
01:35:39.000 I wish I met him.
01:35:40.000 Yeah, he's fun, dude.
01:35:41.000 He was the mayor of Toronto.
01:35:44.000 Yeah, man.
01:35:44.000 The biggest city in Canada.
01:35:45.000 Super recently.
01:35:47.000 Yeah.
01:35:47.000 Super recently.
01:35:48.000 He was doing wild shit all the time. 0.98
01:35:50.000 Well, I think that guy was, that and Brexit were two, like, if you look at history, if you go back and look at, like, the reign of Trump, like, when Trump became president, and you look at that and Brexit, like, those two things happening, that opens the... 0.99
01:36:03.000 It's a door of possibility.
01:36:06.000 Anything almost can happen, given the right set of circumstances.
01:36:10.000 Given people getting cocky, someone thinking they're way more appealing than they actually are, looking at an alternative, someone's charismatic, they jump in and they can be crazy.
01:36:19.000 Let's take a chance with them.
01:36:20.000 It's like these small town politicians getting big.
01:36:23.000 You know? 1.00
01:36:24.000 Running shit their own way. 1.00
01:36:25.000 That's what I think is the best thing about our current chaos, politically. 1.00
01:36:29.000 I think people need to understand that this can happen.
01:36:33.000 Do you think about how, like, I know some of it is just PR stuff, like how 2020 might shape up, at least with, it could possibly be celebrities being like, hey, I'm gonna do this too.
01:36:44.000 It could, easily.
01:36:45.000 Look, Donald Trump is obviously, he's got a long history of being successful at, you know, being a television host, being a guy who's a great interview on a talk show.
01:36:58.000 There's a long history of knowing how to kind of work the crowd in a certain way.
01:37:02.000 It only makes sense that someone like that eventually get in.
01:37:05.000 What I said, the way I described it, I was like, you had a popularity contest, and an actually popular person entered.
01:37:12.000 Yeah.
01:37:12.000 That's the difference.
01:37:13.000 Right.
01:37:13.000 Like, most of these guys are popular for politicians.
01:37:16.000 And here was this guy who's popular, period.
01:37:19.000 Yeah.
01:37:20.000 And he's way better at talking than that.
01:37:21.000 Way better at arguing.
01:37:23.000 Way better at being under the gun.
01:37:25.000 Like, when those little hot moments with him and all those different candidates, he comes up with nicknames for them.
01:37:31.000 The whole thing was kind of genius.
01:37:33.000 Chopped them all down.
01:37:34.000 And then made it through.
01:37:36.000 But now you realize, like, hey, probably nobody should be doing that job.
01:37:40.000 It's probably too big of a job for any one human being.
01:37:44.000 And this guy's doing it, and he's doing it because he won a popularity contest.
01:37:48.000 That's crazy.
01:37:49.000 Because then you're going to have The Rock.
01:37:51.000 He's going to do it to...
01:37:52.000 That's what I'm saying.
01:37:54.000 You're not talking about the most qualified people by any stretch of the imagination.
01:37:57.000 You're talking about the people that people like the most that's willing to be the president.
01:38:00.000 How could The Rock...
01:38:02.000 He could not win.
01:38:03.000 He could win.
01:38:03.000 That's what I'm saying.
01:38:04.000 He could win.
01:38:05.000 And so many non-regular people who can vote that don't will be like, I'm going just to vote for The Rock.
01:38:10.000 I'll vote for him.
01:38:11.000 No way.
01:38:11.000 The Rock would not win.
01:38:12.000 That's ridiculous. 0.88
01:38:13.000 Oprah would win. 0.97
01:38:15.000 Because people think she's smart.
01:38:16.000 No one thinks- That'd be great.
01:38:18.000 Oh my god, Oprah and The Rock together. 1.00
01:38:20.000 Oh shit. 1.00
01:38:21.000 Agent, get on that introduction. 1.00
01:38:23.000 Shit. 1.00
01:38:23.000 Jesus! 1.00
01:38:24.000 That's why I wish Gary Colvin was still alive.
01:38:26.000 Hey, how about this?
01:38:26.000 Can't they be co-presidents?
01:38:28.000 How about we stop this fucking president, vice president? 0.99
01:38:31.000 How about you have two co-presidents? 1.00
01:38:32.000 We have a new system, The Rock and Oprah.
01:38:37.000 The whole solar system will realign.
01:38:39.000 It'd be interesting.
01:38:41.000 It's not a bad idea. 0.67
01:38:41.000 White people would be furious. 0.67
01:38:44.000 Two darkies running shit. 1.00
01:38:46.000 I don't think the rock is black. 1.00
01:38:48.000 Everyone thinks the rock is white.
01:38:49.000 The rock's white.
01:38:50.000 No, he's Hawaiian, man. 0.95
01:38:51.000 No, his dad's black. 0.98
01:38:53.000 His dad's black. 0.79
01:38:54.000 And he's from Hawaii. 0.96
01:38:55.000 And he's gigantic.
01:38:57.000 He's barely a regular person.
01:39:00.000 He's a gigantic super athlete. 0.91
01:39:02.000 White people would... 0.97
01:39:03.000 White people love The Rock. 0.66
01:39:04.000 White people claim The Rock as The Rock. 1.00
01:39:06.000 If you don't love The Rock, you're a twat. 0.99
01:39:08.000 Remember when The Rock gave me a shoutout? 0.99
01:39:10.000 Yeah, he was like...
01:39:11.000 Burt's super fat. 1.00
01:39:14.000 Fuck off. 1.00
01:39:16.000 He said he was Team Burt. 1.00
01:39:19.000 Don't stop making it all Burt, Burt.
01:39:21.000 That was great because Burt brought up two-a-days. 1.00
01:39:25.000 He was like, two-a-days, fucking high school. 0.98
01:39:27.000 And then I go, but you never did two-a-days. 0.99
01:39:29.000 He goes, I know, I play baseball.
01:39:31.000 You choose wisely.
01:39:33.000 Team Burt.
01:39:35.000 Burt.
01:39:35.000 Oh, this is for the bet.
01:39:36.000 Yeah, this is back.
01:39:38.000 Very nice.
01:39:39.000 How'd that turn out?
01:39:41.000 Tom won.
01:39:42.000 Tom beat Burt.
01:39:43.000 Weird.
01:39:44.000 Let's team up. 1.00
01:39:45.000 That Mickey Mantle shit. 1.00
01:39:46.000 You were close, though. 1.00
01:39:47.000 You were close.
01:39:48.000 Yeah.
01:39:49.000 I think I did much better than anyone expected.
01:39:51.000 Oh, both you did.
01:39:53.000 Yeah.
01:39:53.000 Both you did.
01:39:55.000 Right?
01:39:56.000 Well, didn't you expect to win?
01:39:58.000 Ah, no.
01:39:59.000 Wait, at what point did you not expect to win?
01:40:01.000 Because you had to expect at some point.
01:40:05.000 I think we were talking on the phone one night.
01:40:07.000 And you realized.
01:40:09.000 And I was having a hard time dropping weight.
01:40:11.000 Yeah, because you weren't working out, you were just eating like crazy and drinking.
01:40:13.000 Because you were drinking a lot?
01:40:14.000 Yeah.
01:40:15.000 These are all factors.
01:40:16.000 Whatever, whatever.
01:40:16.000 Yeah.
01:40:17.000 Plus inside pain as well.
01:40:21.000 Plus food.
01:40:22.000 Yeah, food a lot.
01:40:23.000 So emotions and everything.
01:40:24.000 I just run a couple extra miles.
01:40:26.000 What was your jam takedown around that?
01:40:27.000 Start Googling.
01:40:28.000 What is the calories of one Wendy's Double Double?
01:40:31.000 Wait, so when?
01:40:32.000 How do I multiply the amount of calories in Wendy's Double Double by four?
01:40:35.000 If I have one double cheeseburger and run for two hours, we're good.
01:40:39.000 That's a total burnt thought.
01:40:41.000 You just pulled one out of his brain.
01:40:42.000 I'll just do it.
01:40:43.000 I'll have some celery on top of this Sunday.
01:40:44.000 Should we know that I had pot roast the night before?
01:40:47.000 That's crazy, bro.
01:40:49.000 But I still did good.
01:40:51.000 You did good, but when did you not think you were actually...
01:40:54.000 I was sitting in my bathroom, and I was talking on the phone, and you were saying something like, you were talking about your diet.
01:41:00.000 And I was like, my diet's just not eat over a thousand calories.
01:41:03.000 Like, I'm not thinking about what I'm putting in my mouth.
01:41:05.000 Wait, wait, wait.
01:41:06.000 Per day, you ate less than a thousand calories?
01:41:08.000 No, no, no.
01:41:10.000 I sense incredulity.
01:41:11.000 No way.
01:41:12.000 No way. 1.00
01:41:13.000 Okay, okay, okay, I'm not a fucking doctor. 0.99
01:41:15.000 Whatever I had. 0.99
01:41:16.000 Whatever I had.
01:41:17.000 Okay. 0.99
01:41:17.000 But obviously I lost fucking 40 pounds. 0.99
01:41:20.000 Okay. 0.99
01:41:21.000 In 30 days I lost 40 pounds, correct?
01:41:25.000 Yes.
01:41:26.000 That's crazy.
01:41:26.000 That's so good.
01:41:27.000 I did not eat a lot of calories.
01:41:28.000 I don't know what it was.
01:41:29.000 Super healthy, by the way.
01:41:30.000 It's not!
01:41:30.000 Definitely the way to do it.
01:41:31.000 It was a fucking bet! 0.99
01:41:31.000 I'm saying you did it, man. 0.99
01:41:32.000 You got under obese and that was great.
01:41:34.000 Yeah.
01:41:34.000 It was a bet.
01:41:35.000 I was just trying to fucking show my Mickey Mantle gene and win. 0.99
01:41:38.000 Yeah. 0.99
01:41:39.000 And I fucked up my calories.
01:41:41.000 I didn't drink a bunch.
01:41:42.000 How much weight did you cut two days before that, Tom?
01:41:44.000 How much did you not drink at all?
01:41:46.000 Well, we both cut water the same days.
01:41:48.000 He was drinking the night before.
01:41:50.000 And drinking and eating pot the night before.
01:41:52.000 And eating salty foods.
01:41:53.000 I didn't cut water, technically.
01:41:54.000 I started to do a water cut, a version of, you know, 24 hours before.
01:41:59.000 That's great.
01:41:59.000 And then when you had to go in the second day, what happened?
01:42:01.000 That was way harder, man. 0.99
01:42:02.000 He didn't have a drop of water the entire next day, and then went to a fucking sauna that morning, and I was like... 0.97
01:42:09.000 The thing is, the really unhealthy thing that we were doing was we were making it a weight loss thing. 0.98
01:42:14.000 Yeah.
01:42:14.000 Instead of making it a body fat thing.
01:42:16.000 It's true.
01:42:17.000 If we were smart, what we've done is a dunk tank, have someone at a place that does a dunk tank where they check your body composition.
01:42:24.000 Because they can do that electrical one where you hold these cables and you push your hands on them.
01:42:29.000 And it's pretty good.
01:42:30.000 They read through your feet, too.
01:42:32.000 Body fat?
01:42:33.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.
01:42:33.000 There's a bunch of different kinds of these things.
01:42:35.000 This was the easiest way.
01:42:36.000 They're not that accurate.
01:42:37.000 Weight loss.
01:42:38.000 Yeah, but the problem with weight loss is both these guys came into this thing with a fake weight loss because they dehydrated themselves.
01:42:43.000 But Bert didn't.
01:42:44.000 He ate tons of salty food and drank a lot.
01:42:45.000 No, he definitely dehydrated himself the last day. 1.00
01:42:47.000 The last day, I came in thirsty as fuck. 0.98
01:42:50.000 I had a really hard time not drinking water before I got here. 0.99
01:42:53.000 I think Tommy drank 9 bottles of water from the entire podcast.
01:42:58.000 During the podcast.
01:42:59.000 No, dude, we kept giving him bottles of water.
01:43:01.000 We were just throwing them down.
01:43:02.000 Like a fighter?
01:43:02.000 Do you remember what the number was?
01:43:05.000 I remember we calculated it.
01:43:06.000 It was over a gallon.
01:43:07.000 It was something crazy.
01:43:08.000 Just to get water back in you.
01:43:09.000 And I didn't pee.
01:43:10.000 I don't know if that was true.
01:43:11.000 Can I just say, you made Not Obese by.15 of an inch. 0.99
01:43:17.000 That's how close it was.
01:43:18.000 That's great.
01:43:19.000 But that's just weighing...
01:43:20.000 And then buy more the next day, where you gotta keep going for it.
01:43:22.000 That's just weighing how tall you are versus how much you weigh.
01:43:24.000 Yeah, that's just BMI. Which they have since modified once, and they want to actually do away with just the staff.
01:43:30.000 Yeah, they should modify that.
01:43:31.000 And condom. 0.97
01:43:32.000 Yeah, dude.
01:43:33.000 That actually fooled me for a second.
01:43:36.000 Oh my god, that's hilarious.
01:43:37.000 I thought that was that guy Izzy whatever from Hawaii.
01:43:39.000 Fat comedian Bart Chrysler.
01:43:41.000 Keeping it low and loose.
01:43:56.000 Fat Comedian Bart Chrysler keeping it low and loose after his loss at the weigh-ins against Undisputed Water Champion Tommy Buns Segura.
01:44:04.000 Look how you're surrounded by liquor.
01:44:06.000 Oh my god, what a genius Photoshop that is.
01:44:10.000 Fried chicken, liquor, donuts.
01:44:14.000 I remember when I took that picture!
01:44:17.000 I know that face is from a Spike Video Games Award and I shaved clean and I saw the photos from the red carpet and I was like, that's not a good look.
01:44:28.000 That guy's got two nicotine patches on.
01:44:30.000 That is so funny.
01:44:32.000 That is so funny.
01:44:33.000 And seeing all the boos around it, that is a genius photoshop. 0.94
01:44:36.000 That is a great photoshop.
01:44:38.000 You look so happy with those donuts.
01:44:39.000 You know, that's the thing about the internet.
01:44:41.000 That could be some dude who has some regular job somewhere, and he's bored, and he's got downtime on his computer, and he just creates that and throws it up there.
01:44:50.000 And there's people out there that...
01:44:51.000 It's a secret, but it's not a secret about guys like us, like what we do.
01:44:56.000 There's a lot of guys who could have done what we did.
01:44:58.000 How good are some of these guys making posters and drawing? 0.98
01:45:02.000 Dude, my guy who does posters is fucking Brett Brock. 0.97
01:45:06.000 He is great, man. 0.98
01:45:08.000 He is legit.
01:45:11.000 Very nice dude, but man, those posters, some of them are really good.
01:45:15.000 Dose Brack, that guy.
01:45:16.000 Yeah, he's amazing, man.
01:45:18.000 He's really great.
01:45:19.000 He's amazing.
01:45:19.000 There's a lot of those guys out there.
01:45:21.000 I got Ray Taylor and Sherman Michael.
01:45:23.000 Oh, and Paul Granisse.
01:45:25.000 That dude's awesome.
01:45:26.000 He's made amazing work.
01:45:27.000 The one-by-one podcast guy.
01:45:29.000 Yeah, he's good.
01:45:29.000 He's amazing.
01:45:30.000 He does great shit. 0.99
01:45:31.000 Hilarious stuff. 0.99
01:45:32.000 Some of them are really fun.
01:45:33.000 And some of the Photoshop's.
01:45:34.000 Just for the podcast.
01:45:35.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.
01:45:36.000 Drastic FX. That guy from Drastic FX. He does some awesome shit, dude.
01:45:40.000 Did you see the Run DMC one for 1,000? 0.99
01:45:43.000 That one was fantastic, man.
01:45:45.000 That was great.
01:45:45.000 Yeah, that was so great.
01:45:47.000 How fun was that show?
01:45:49.000 Those guys don't get enough. 0.91
01:45:49.000 So fun. 0.91
01:45:50.000 That show, Diaz made me laugh harder than any human being has ever made me laugh ever.
01:45:54.000 I felt the same way.
01:45:54.000 We had to look down.
01:45:56.000 I looked up, and Tommy was looking at the floor, too.
01:45:58.000 We were both looking at the floor, and Joey was just sucking all the oxygen out of the room.
01:46:04.000 He was killing so hard.
01:46:06.000 There was no way to breathe.
01:46:07.000 I lost track of what he was saying at one point because I had to stop listening to him.
01:46:12.000 You're crying so...
01:46:13.000 He's on fire right now.
01:46:15.000 I was really excited for that podcast.
01:46:18.000 Dude, it was a fun podcast. 0.99
01:46:19.000 Shut up. 0.99
01:46:20.000 It was easy. 1.00
01:46:21.000 Yeah, it was just over three hours.
01:46:23.000 That's not enough time for you to turn around and start over one.
01:46:25.000 Wait, so can we go back to this real quick?
01:46:27.000 Yeah, what is this bet?
01:46:28.000 What do you think you can do?
01:46:30.000 For real, what do you think you can do? 0.99
01:46:31.000 Now that you're sober for fucking ten minutes, what do you think you can do? 0.99
01:46:35.000 October, we're signing up, right? 0.99
01:46:37.000 Yeah.
01:46:38.000 So 30 days.
01:46:40.000 Okay, you want to do 30 days?
01:46:41.000 31 days.
01:46:43.000 All of October.
01:46:43.000 All of October.
01:46:46.000 Stop it.
01:46:46.000 October, October.
01:46:47.000 Let's work through this.
01:46:48.000 From midnight.
01:46:51.000 On the 1st of...
01:46:52.000 West Coast time?
01:46:53.000 Wherever you are?
01:46:53.000 What are you, casting a spell?
01:46:56.000 Midnight when the moon is full.
01:47:02.000 Are you gonna drink right up to 11.59?
01:47:04.000 Of course he is.
01:47:05.000 He's gonna be passed out drunk at 11.59.
01:47:07.000 When the wolves call through the valley, midnight.
01:47:10.000 Of course he is.
01:47:11.000 Hold on one second.
01:47:12.000 Disappoint your children.
01:47:13.000 Hang on.
01:47:14.000 How can I make this so that I'm in a challenge where I don't feel like everyone's against me?
01:47:17.000 You know what it's like?
01:47:17.000 It's like the ultimate hold your breath.
01:47:19.000 You have to be more likeable.
01:47:21.000 That's a lot of it.
01:47:22.000 People root for you to lose.
01:47:24.000 You're holding your breath.
01:47:26.000 People immediately don't like you when they meet you.
01:47:28.000 You're like a guy who's ready to break the world record on holding your breath.
01:47:31.000 You know you're going to breathe again, but it's going to be alone.
01:47:34.000 Yeah.
01:47:35.000 It's gonna be a long time.
01:47:37.000 But think about how much fun that'll be on November 1st.
01:47:38.000 But you're not thinking, you're not thinking, hey man, maybe I should just stop drinking.
01:47:43.000 Think about October 1st at 12.30 a.m. 1.00
01:47:46.000 when you're like, fuck that, give me another drink. 1.00
01:47:49.000 And you fail instantly. 1.00
01:47:50.000 Think about that.
01:47:51.000 How many days is that in?
01:47:52.000 Two?
01:47:52.000 No, no, that's not even.
01:47:53.000 That's 30 minutes.
01:47:55.000 That was 30 minutes in in my scenario.
01:47:57.000 I assume there were people around from the party before.
01:48:00.000 I'd give Bird five or six days for things that are getting really weird.
01:48:03.000 Scram cam.
01:48:07.000 First of all, I think your marijuana intake would uptick drastically.
01:48:13.000 Yeah, you can get high for a month. 0.66
01:48:14.000 I can say it's a little bullshit that you would go to marijuana, because normally I'd say that's way healthier, but I'm saying here that all that's doing is riding you the gap until you can drink again. 0.94
01:48:25.000 By the way, I'll go no marijuana. 0.98
01:48:26.000 I would like you to face sobriety.
01:48:28.000 Look, look, look, look.
01:48:29.000 I don't have a problem not doing marijuana.
01:48:32.000 Are you trying to take Bert on the road with you and have him bomb so you look like a hero?
01:48:37.000 Is that what you're doing?
01:48:39.000 If I'm sober, I can totally do much better than if I was hammered. 1.00
01:48:42.000 This is some next level 3D chess shit. 0.99
01:48:45.000 Good point. 1.00
01:48:45.000 Wait a minute. 1.00
01:48:45.000 I think you're hilarious when you're drunk. 1.00
01:48:49.000 You've only seen me sober.
01:48:50.000 I've seen you drunk on stage.
01:48:50.000 You've never seen me drunk on stage.
01:48:53.000 Oh wait, you're right, you have.
01:48:54.000 You saw me on stage the first time I was ever high on stage. 0.98
01:48:58.000 Dude, we got drunk as fucking at the Ice House. 0.94
01:49:00.000 I don't drink at the store. 0.99
01:49:04.000 You don't forget you black out about the sets you have on stage because you drink so much.
01:49:08.000 Dude, the last time we did that...
01:49:11.000 Oh, hey, by the way, who's in town Wednesday?
01:49:14.000 Who's in town Wednesday?
01:49:15.000 You guys want to do the Ice House?
01:49:17.000 I'm leaving for Singapore.
01:49:18.000 I'm not going to be here.
01:49:19.000 No, no, no. 0.98
01:49:20.000 Could have been a good goddamn time. 0.99
01:49:22.000 I would love to do this again. 0.98
01:49:23.000 That would have been a really fun time. 0.99
01:49:25.000 Goddamn time. 0.99
01:49:26.000 That's how I booked the ice house. 0.99
01:49:28.000 That's cool.
01:49:29.000 Super organized.
01:49:30.000 So, 31 days.
01:49:33.000 80 days.
01:49:34.000 No nothing.
01:49:36.000 80 days?
01:49:37.000 No nothing.
01:49:37.000 You said 80?
01:49:38.000 Yep, yep.
01:49:39.000 So that's October 1st until December 30th.
01:49:44.000 40 days of yoga in that time.
01:49:45.000 No.
01:49:46.000 You can't do that.
01:49:47.000 No, I'll tell you.
01:49:47.000 Joe's negotiating like an agent right now.
01:49:49.000 No, hold on.
01:49:49.000 Hold on one second.
01:49:50.000 I will tell you why I can't do that, because I don't want to lose who the fuck I am, which is like, I like to, I like... 0.98
01:49:56.000 Which is obesity. 0.99
01:49:58.000 Dude, you need to find your truth, bro.
01:50:01.000 You're saying you don't want to lose the party man image.
01:50:04.000 I will not go to that Impractical Jokers cruise with Big J, Ari, all those comics that I love, and not drink. 0.89
01:50:10.000 That's just silly.
01:50:11.000 I'm a grown-up. 0.73
01:50:12.000 I also make a lot of money, and I don't need to do the bet.
01:50:14.000 But I want to do the bet because I like the idea of the bet.
01:50:17.000 Okay.
01:50:18.000 But I think 30 days, 31 days in October.
01:50:22.000 Of total sobriety?
01:50:23.000 Total sobriety.
01:50:24.000 I'll do total sobriety.
01:50:25.000 I want 70 days.
01:50:26.000 Hang on, Hank, can I get some Xanax in there?
01:50:27.000 70. No, no, of course you cannot!
01:50:29.000 This is like Team America World Police when they showed the extra fuck scenes and the dude shit on the girl's chest and she shit on him and pissed on him. 0.99
01:50:35.000 They did that so they can cut other things. 0.99
01:50:38.000 I say this.
01:50:39.000 The only thing you can get are those chalk pills that help you deal with withdrawal.
01:50:43.000 Chalk.
01:50:44.000 No, I don't need to deal with...
01:50:45.000 Wait, hold on, hold on.
01:50:45.000 You will when you get the shakes.
01:50:47.000 You will when you get the shakes.
01:50:48.000 Chalk.
01:50:48.000 Oh, when you're withdrawing from pills or alcohol.
01:50:51.000 They have these...
01:50:51.000 Guys, guys, guys.
01:50:52.000 What?
01:50:53.000 They have these chalk pills.
01:50:54.000 Chalk? 0.64
01:50:54.000 Yeah. 0.64
01:50:55.000 What is it?
01:50:55.000 I don't need it.
01:50:56.000 Coal?
01:50:56.000 Charcoal?
01:50:57.000 Oh, charcoal.
01:50:58.000 Charcoal.
01:50:58.000 I don't need it.
01:50:59.000 Get out the toxins to throw up.
01:51:00.000 But wait a minute.
01:51:01.000 I would say that's allowed because you're not going to get high off that.
01:51:03.000 That's going to save your life because you will die otherwise because you're unequipped to do this.
01:51:06.000 Do you remember the article I sent you?
01:51:09.000 You should write a will beforehand.
01:51:11.000 The article we read about you said that it's really not recommended to just quit cold turkey like that.
01:51:20.000 You should start now and get ready.
01:51:21.000 Or, you know what?
01:51:23.000 I'm going to write my eulogy with you in mind ahead of time.
01:51:25.000 He's in great shape and he can run a marathon easily and he can quit anytime he wants.
01:51:31.000 Wait, why won't you get withdrawals if you just quit like that?
01:51:35.000 Because I do it all the time.
01:51:37.000 But for like a moment.
01:51:39.000 No, you feel uncomfortable for a day where you're like, hold on, stop.
01:51:48.000 What's the last stretch you took?
01:51:51.000 Five days stretch.
01:51:52.000 How long ago?
01:51:53.000 I don't know, a couple weeks ago.
01:51:56.000 No, really?
01:51:57.000 You did five weeks ago?
01:51:58.000 I did.
01:51:58.000 We have a thing in our house called unassisted sleeps.
01:52:00.000 That's when you go to sleep without drugs or alcohol.
01:52:02.000 No weed, no Xanax, no sleeping pill.
01:52:05.000 You have a thing.
01:52:06.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah, Ari.
01:52:07.000 I'm being real.
01:52:08.000 I don't want to stop being real.
01:52:09.000 I don't want to stop being real.
01:52:10.000 Yeah, okay, okay.
01:52:11.000 Yeah, we have a thing called unassisted sleeps.
01:52:13.000 Look, I think that's a great idea.
01:52:16.000 I really do.
01:52:16.000 I think more people need to learn how to relax.
01:52:20.000 Meditate.
01:52:20.000 Just go to bed.
01:52:21.000 Well, you can also do...
01:52:22.000 And your kids don't fall apart when they sleep like that?
01:52:23.000 You can get a hold of your own thoughts.
01:52:25.000 You can get a hold of your own thoughts, and it's a good practice to do that.
01:52:29.000 And if you just give your own thoughts to pills...
01:52:31.000 I mean, it'll work.
01:52:32.000 Maybe it won't work for everybody.
01:52:34.000 It works for some people.
01:52:36.000 But there's other ways to do it.
01:52:37.000 You can do it with your own mind.
01:52:39.000 You can relax yourself.
01:52:40.000 You can meditate.
01:52:41.000 Yeah, you can do it without that.
01:52:43.000 I mean, you can do it with that.
01:52:45.000 But there's other pathways that a lot of people that try the pills don't try.
01:52:48.000 And I wonder how many would be successful.
01:52:51.000 I mean, some people know.
01:52:53.000 Some people have real issues.
01:52:54.000 But with some people, I think they'd probably be just as, if not more, successful with meditating, relaxing, just trying to figure out a way to consciously dip yourself down into the place where you go to sleep.
01:53:06.000 I'd like that.
01:53:07.000 Are you going to try that?
01:53:08.000 No, I did five days and four unassisted sleeps.
01:53:13.000 This is what I'm thinking.
01:53:14.000 I'm thinking 30 days, you owe 15 days of hot yoga.
01:53:16.000 All of October.
01:53:17.000 90 minute hot yoga classes.
01:53:20.000 That's what I'm thinking.
01:53:21.000 No booze, and then half the days.
01:53:24.000 So if you have one day on, you have one day off.
01:53:26.000 You owe, and if you miss them, then you have to make them up in a row.
01:53:29.000 But you have to do 15 days of hot yoga in a 30 day time period with no booze.
01:53:36.000 I can do that.
01:53:36.000 Why do you want to do the hot yoga?
01:53:38.000 Because I think it would be super beneficial for him.
01:53:41.000 I think you should do that. 0.91
01:53:42.000 And I think we'd clean him out, and it's fucking insanely difficult to do. 0.53
01:53:46.000 But he's going to fail on that and still detox. 0.92
01:53:48.000 No, he said 30 days.
01:53:50.000 All of October.
01:53:52.000 All you have to do is cut half the days, half of those 30, you have to do a yoga class.
01:53:58.000 Hot yoga, though.
01:53:59.000 Hot yoga, 90 minutes.
01:54:00.000 I can do that.
01:54:00.000 I went once, and I quit yoga.
01:54:05.000 Like, 40 minutes into an hour and 15 minute class.
01:54:07.000 I came back in, I took a 5 minute breather, I took a 5 minute breather, I came back in.
01:54:10.000 Because of how hot it was? 0.99
01:54:11.000 Because it was hot, I was like, fuck, I'm out of it, I'm out of it. 0.99
01:54:14.000 Yeah, but you also, like, couldn't run a marathon, I could. 1.00
01:54:17.000 This is the first, stop it!
01:54:19.000 Stop it! 1.00
01:54:20.000 You're like, ridiculous claims. 1.00
01:54:22.000 Oh, shit! 1.00
01:54:23.000 The tide has turned! 1.00
01:54:24.000 No, we all know no one would do that.
01:54:26.000 There's no way you would do it.
01:54:27.000 So wait.
01:54:28.000 Yeah.
01:54:29.000 There's no way you could do 15, 90 minute yoga classes in a month?
01:54:33.000 Is that what you're saying?
01:54:34.000 I don't do them all the time.
01:54:36.000 No, what I'm saying is, the thing about the yoga classes is, first of all, there's like a real set beginning and a set end.
01:54:46.000 There's no fudging.
01:54:48.000 Yeah, you have to be there.
01:54:49.000 You have to get it in.
01:54:50.000 And it's super difficult to do.
01:54:52.000 And I think it's one of the most beneficial mentally.
01:54:54.000 Wait, what if you quit in the middle?
01:54:55.000 Do you need a five minute breather?
01:54:56.000 Not good. 1.00
01:54:57.000 They tell you, the instructors say, go out and fucking breathe and come back in. 0.99
01:55:01.000 That's for the same people that they see those little packets they leave in the shoes. 0.99
01:55:06.000 They say, do not eat. 1.00
01:55:07.000 Those fucking retards. 1.00
01:55:09.000 But you should not eat! 1.00
01:55:10.000 You shouldn't eat, but you should know that you're not going to eat some shit you found on your shoe. 1.00
01:55:14.000 Just so you should know that if you're going to die, you should get out of the fucking yoga class. 1.00
01:55:18.000 So I'm saying you should be able to get out of there. 1.00
01:55:20.000 It's for morons and pussies. 1.00
01:55:22.000 I'm sorry. 1.00
01:55:23.000 Can you look up hot yoga deaths?
01:55:26.000 Let's look up hot yoga rapes. 0.99
01:55:27.000 There's a lot more of those. 1.00
01:55:29.000 When they die, they die.
01:55:30.000 This is the thing, dude.
01:55:31.000 You bring a cooler, bring one of those flasks.
01:55:33.000 They have these giant 64-ounce postures.
01:55:37.000 You do two sets.
01:55:39.000 At the end of two sets, you're allowed to have some water.
01:55:41.000 I would need three classes to take a five-minute breather.
01:55:44.000 Over that month, I would need three five-minute breathers.
01:55:46.000 You can take a breather and stay in the room.
01:55:48.000 You can take a breather and stay in the room.
01:55:49.000 You're supposed to breathe.
01:55:50.000 They tell you to breathe.
01:55:51.000 Yes, but you can breathe in the room.
01:55:53.000 Just stay in the room.
01:55:54.000 It's a mental thing.
01:55:55.000 You can get by it.
01:55:56.000 I left once, too.
01:55:57.000 A five-minute break?
01:55:57.000 Nope, you can't leave the room.
01:55:58.000 Then go back in?
01:55:59.000 Nope, stay in the room.
01:56:00.000 You what?
01:56:00.000 You can take a break.
01:56:01.000 I left.
01:56:01.000 I did it.
01:56:01.000 You left.
01:56:02.000 You left.
01:56:02.000 You have to.
01:56:03.000 No, you don't have to.
01:56:04.000 You don't have to.
01:56:05.000 True.
01:56:05.000 I've stayed before, too.
01:56:06.000 Yeah.
01:56:07.000 I stay all the time.
01:56:08.000 You're not allowed to leave the place that I go.
01:56:10.000 Were you auditing the class or doing it?
01:56:13.000 Auditing?
01:56:14.000 What are you in college?
01:56:16.000 I can't imagine you in a hot yoga class.
01:56:19.000 The thing about this...
01:56:20.000 Your ice cream cones melting like quickies.
01:56:22.000 I could do what they have in New York.
01:56:23.000 I could do them.
01:56:24.000 This is a super measurable thing.
01:56:28.000 Okay.
01:56:29.000 It's not like something you could just not train for and then have to do at the very end. 0.95
01:56:34.000 This is not something like you could run a marathon and kind of like fucking half-ass it up to the time you got to run it. 0.92
01:56:41.000 This is like a sheer discipline issue. 0.95
01:56:45.000 What's good about this is it's going to cause you to absolutely be in a certain place for 15 days out of 30. You have to make those up.
01:56:53.000 Like, say if you fuck off for the first ten days, that means you gotta do a lot of days in a row. 0.99
01:56:57.000 Wait, would it be safe to do hot yoga four or five days in a row? 1.00
01:56:59.000 100%.
01:57:00.000 Because that's how I plan on doing it.
01:57:02.000 Are you peeing again, bro? 1.00
01:57:03.000 Please just go to the goddamn bathroom. 1.00
01:57:04.000 No! 1.00
01:57:05.000 Get the fuck out of here. 1.00
01:57:06.000 Just go to the bathroom. 1.00
01:57:07.000 We're so nasty.
01:57:07.000 We'll talk about nothing until you get back.
01:57:08.000 No, you won't talk about nothing.
01:57:10.000 We're in the middle of talking about the bed.
01:57:11.000 You're freaking me out.
01:57:11.000 You keep peeing in these kombucha jars.
01:57:13.000 You're so nasty. 1.00
01:57:14.000 Get out of here. 1.00
01:57:16.000 We're gonna talk about nonsensical bullshit. 1.00
01:57:18.000 Go to the bathroom. 1.00
01:57:19.000 Go to the bathroom, please. 1.00
01:57:21.000 And bring that goddamn kombucha with you, that jug of piss. 1.00
01:57:24.000 You're like pulling it off his desk with your fucking attitude. 1.00
01:57:27.000 How dare you! 1.00
01:57:28.000 R, you're looking kind of ripped right now.
01:57:30.000 Ever since he got brought from Asia.
01:57:31.000 That's a six-pack.
01:57:32.000 That didn't look bad at all.
01:57:34.000 That's very legit.
01:57:35.000 You almost look like Bert.
01:57:36.000 You're looking good, like a good athlete, dude.
01:57:40.000 Dude, you're in great shape.
01:57:42.000 Yeah.
01:57:42.000 In the bird, Christ, your text.
01:57:44.000 Who's that guy?
01:57:45.000 Mickey Mantle.
01:57:45.000 Mickey Mantle.
01:57:46.000 That's my jeans right there.
01:57:47.000 That's the Mickey Mantle. 1.00
01:57:48.000 No, that looks like Ari, you fuck. 1.00
01:57:49.000 That doesn't look like you. 1.00
01:57:50.000 Ari's got a legit six-pack. 1.00
01:57:52.000 He does.
01:57:52.000 He does.
01:57:53.000 He does.
01:57:54.000 When he came back from yoga, or, uh, China.
01:57:57.000 Yoga.
01:57:58.000 Asia.
01:57:58.000 Say China.
01:58:00.000 Some shit I never understand, I never want to do. 0.99
01:58:04.000 Wait, do you think you can do this challenge? 0.99
01:58:06.000 Listen, I like this idea of 15 days of hot yoga.
01:58:10.000 It's hard to do, man.
01:58:11.000 90 minute classes.
01:58:13.000 And he's going to do a marathon?
01:58:15.000 No, you don't have to do a marathon.
01:58:16.000 This would be a different thing.
01:58:18.000 The thing about this is he thinks he could run all the time.
01:58:20.000 He runs all the time.
01:58:21.000 But if you have to do this, this is going to be hard.
01:58:23.000 Running is easy for me because it's in my backyard.
01:58:25.000 This is going to be super good for your body.
01:58:27.000 And here's the other thing, too.
01:58:28.000 If you get in the middle of this and you feel like you can't do it anymore, you can relax.
01:58:32.000 You can just sit down, lie down, and just catch your grass.
01:58:35.000 In your class.
01:58:35.000 Yeah, in your class.
01:58:36.000 People do it all the time.
01:58:37.000 Like, advanced people do it all the time. 0.97
01:58:39.000 If you feel like you've overwhelmed yourself, maybe you tried too hard, you know, it's fucking hot in there.
01:58:43.000 It's 104 degrees, and you're doing, like, these really difficult bodyweight exercises. 0.97
01:58:47.000 When you're standing on one leg, you got one leg kicked back, and you got your both arms leaning forward, it's fucking difficult to do. 0.90
01:58:53.000 Sure.
01:58:54.000 You know, and when you're holding yourself in, like, weird positions.
01:58:57.000 Wow, that's a really, actually, interesting challenge.
01:59:00.000 It's pretty easy, not easy, pretty not hard-paced, I should say, to do a five-hour marathon.
01:59:06.000 So it's 11 minutes and 23 seconds per mile.
01:59:08.000 Yeah.
01:59:09.000 It's walking at like a 4.5.
01:59:12.000 Isn't that interesting?
01:59:12.000 Look at that.
01:59:13.000 That's five minutes, but 11 minutes and 30 seconds per mile, you get it in six hours, or five hours.
01:59:19.000 Oh, that's 50K. Oh, 50K. Oh, that's right.
01:59:21.000 See, I mean, I know that we're all making fun of this, but a five-hour marathon is literally walking at a 4.5 on a treadmill.
01:59:28.000 No, but continuously.
01:59:30.000 No, it's not.
01:59:30.000 By the way, anyone can do it.
01:59:32.000 Is it?
01:59:33.000 Yeah.
01:59:33.000 11 miles an hour isn't walking on a treadmill.
01:59:35.000 It's walking.
01:59:36.000 It's not running.
01:59:37.000 Really?
01:59:37.000 It's not running.
01:59:38.000 Wait, but it's not a casual walk.
01:59:41.000 No, it's a brisk walk.
01:59:42.000 It's a brisk walk.
01:59:43.000 I'll tell you, I saw my father speed walk the Marine Corps Marathon, and he did great for about...
01:59:50.000 20 miles.
01:59:52.000 Okay.
01:59:52.000 And then it bottoms out.
01:59:54.000 I did when you did the thousandth episode.
01:59:57.000 I love these kind of things.
01:59:58.000 I love when I watched the Florida State game yesterday and got on the treadmill.
02:00:02.000 The way you watch boxing matches or fights when you work out.
02:00:05.000 I like a big event thing.
02:00:08.000 Like the ending of Game of Thrones.
02:00:09.000 And you guys were doing that three hour podcast and I literally said, I'm going to be running a marathon today.
02:00:14.000 I did not do it.
02:00:16.000 I did not do it only because- What did you do?
02:00:17.000 Seven?
02:00:18.000 I did twelve.
02:00:19.000 Twelve.
02:00:19.000 So a little less than half of a marathon.
02:00:21.000 But I was walking, and I- because Joey was so fucking funny, I would start laughing. 0.72
02:00:26.000 Like when you said he's changing colors, flavors. 0.95
02:00:28.000 Wait, that's great, actually.
02:00:29.000 He's the funniest human being that's ever lived.
02:00:31.000 He is. 0.94
02:00:31.000 But I started laughing so hard that I was like, I can't fucking run this. 0.94
02:00:34.000 I want to listen to it. 0.79
02:00:35.000 I want to be in the moment and just giggle.
02:00:37.000 Good excuse to stop running.
02:00:38.000 I hear you.
02:00:39.000 And so I ended up doing 12 miles in the three hours.
02:00:44.000 If you ever do do the marathon, I hope there's a hype crew behind you go, just quit, Bert!
02:00:48.000 Just quit!
02:00:50.000 It's okay, you can rest.
02:00:50.000 Maybe we didn't get the wave.
02:00:53.000 What time do you think you could do it in?
02:00:55.000 Like, what would be a challenging time you think you could still do it in?
02:00:58.000 What, a marathon?
02:00:59.000 Yeah, I'm asking you.
02:01:00.000 10-minute miles.
02:01:01.000 Tommy Buns has been planning.
02:01:04.000 He's been plotting something.
02:01:05.000 10-minute miles, which is how long?
02:01:07.000 Yeah.
02:01:07.000 10 minute mile.
02:01:08.000 If I could do 10 minute mile, that would be really fucking challenging. 0.68
02:01:14.000 By the way, I will say that the one that we just pulled up is still very challenging. 0.88
02:01:19.000 422. What's 422?
02:01:21.000 10 minute mile pace.
02:01:22.000 422?
02:01:24.000 No way.
02:01:28.000 I 100% agree.
02:01:29.000 Guys, he's in great shape.
02:01:32.000 There's not a chance.
02:01:34.000 There's not a chance.
02:01:35.000 You won't finish the marathon.
02:01:36.000 Unless you take about 14 hours.
02:01:38.000 I'm not joking.
02:01:39.000 Taking long, long breaks for meals.
02:01:41.000 I think you could do it in under 14 hours.
02:01:45.000 But I think the over-under should be like high 13s.
02:01:48.000 13 hours?
02:01:49.000 Oh my god.
02:01:51.000 Walking casually, resting, seeing a movie in there.
02:01:54.000 I also want to know this.
02:01:55.000 Really resting.
02:01:56.000 Do you think you could do this time with no preparation, no training, just do it tomorrow?
02:01:59.000 The 10 minute miles?
02:02:01.000 Not tomorrow, but next week.
02:02:03.000 How much distance do you think you could run tomorrow?
02:02:06.000 The 18th?
02:02:08.000 Tomorrow.
02:02:08.000 I have two podcasts.
02:02:10.000 Tomorrow.
02:02:11.000 Tomorrow.
02:02:12.000 How far do you think?
02:02:13.000 How much distance do you think you can run?
02:02:15.000 How much could you?
02:02:16.000 Today.
02:02:16.000 God, this is the worst.
02:02:18.000 This is the reason I'll never quit drinking, because I love this feeling.
02:02:22.000 Tomorrow.
02:02:23.000 What?
02:02:23.000 Nerves?
02:02:25.000 I start crippling anxiety.
02:02:28.000 I start crippling anxiety.
02:02:29.000 I'll say a thing.
02:02:34.000 A thing.
02:02:35.000 I'll say a number, and you guys tell me if...
02:02:37.000 What are you, Harry Potter?
02:02:38.000 No, we're bartering, we're bartering.
02:02:39.000 Okay.
02:02:40.000 Easily, easily run a 5k.
02:02:42.000 A 5k?
02:02:43.000 No, no, no.
02:02:45.000 Over, over, over I'm taking on that.
02:02:48.000 Obviously.
02:02:49.000 Yeah, I could run a 10k, no problem.
02:02:51.000 That's 6.2 miles.
02:02:54.000 For sure, the pre-problems.
02:02:56.000 No.
02:02:57.000 No problem.
02:02:58.000 I could run.
02:02:59.000 I could run.
02:02:59.000 Not even hard.
02:03:00.000 And we're talking about no walking, right?
02:03:01.000 It's a straight up run.
02:03:02.000 Oh, straight up run?
02:03:03.000 I'm asking.
02:03:04.000 I got a system.
02:03:05.000 Okay, okay.
02:03:05.000 What's your system?
02:03:06.000 I like to...
02:03:07.000 Quitting?
02:03:08.000 Well, no.
02:03:10.000 I like to...
02:03:11.000 There you go for birthday!
02:03:12.000 I like to run and then walk.
02:03:15.000 So that's all I've been doing because it's fun for me.
02:03:17.000 It helps me...
02:03:18.000 Run for a while, walk for a while.
02:03:19.000 Yeah, sure.
02:03:19.000 Get it done.
02:03:20.000 I don't know.
02:03:20.000 I don't like this.
02:03:21.000 I'm sweating again. 0.99
02:03:22.000 I don't fucking like this. 0.97
02:03:23.000 How are you giving me when you're running? 0.99
02:03:24.000 Do you think you can do 20 miles tomorrow?
02:03:27.000 Because that's 6.2 miles short of a...
02:03:29.000 I know he can.
02:03:30.000 No, no, for sure not.
02:03:31.000 I'm his new hype man.
02:03:32.000 I know he can.
02:03:33.000 No way.
02:03:34.000 Absolutely not.
02:03:36.000 No way.
02:03:36.000 Uh-uh, uh-uh.
02:03:37.000 Nope, nope, nope.
02:03:38.000 I know he can.
02:03:39.000 You don't know.
02:03:40.000 It'll be so anticlimactic.
02:03:42.000 Sun up to sun down, could I do 20 miles?
02:03:46.000 He finds a way.
02:03:47.000 12 hours.
02:03:48.000 That's a long time.
02:03:49.000 Yeah, 12 hours.
02:03:51.000 One running period.
02:03:52.000 That's a pace for a 13 and a half hour marathon.
02:03:54.000 That's exactly what he was talking about.
02:03:56.000 He finds a way, ladies and gentlemen.
02:03:59.000 He finds a way.
02:04:00.000 By making it easier.
02:04:01.000 The only problem with tomorrow is I plan on partying at your house. 1.00
02:04:04.000 Son of a bitch. 1.00
02:04:05.000 Let's go back to Joe's challenge. 1.00
02:04:07.000 I like health.
02:04:09.000 30 days.
02:04:10.000 Word.
02:04:10.000 31. All of October.
02:04:12.000 All of October.
02:04:13.000 Excuse me.
02:04:13.000 All of October.
02:04:14.000 Midnight to midnight.
02:04:15.000 Midnight.
02:04:16.000 All right.
02:04:16.000 I'm just putting it out there.
02:04:17.000 What happens?
02:04:18.000 What happens?
02:04:19.000 No booze.
02:04:20.000 And let's do this.
02:04:22.000 And nothing else.
02:04:24.000 This might be cheesy, but let's make this communal so I can challenge people.
02:04:29.000 I can challenge people to go, Nate Bargatze, no booze.
02:04:32.000 Doug Stanhope, no booze.
02:04:34.000 That'd be tough for him.
02:04:34.000 And let everyone, and have them commit to the ankle bracelet.
02:04:38.000 That's not happening.
02:04:44.000 If we're going to do a Stanhope one, we should find out whether or not you're going to die.
02:04:48.000 We should really invest in these charcoal pills.
02:04:51.000 Are you doing the full thing?
02:04:55.000 If they want to join in, they can join in.
02:04:56.000 I'll do no booze, I'll do the yoga, and then keep bringing them out.
02:04:59.000 We should be careful, though.
02:05:00.000 This is one thing that we have to be careful about.
02:05:03.000 Bert dying.
02:05:04.000 The reality.
02:05:05.000 The sheer reality.
02:05:06.000 What is the volume of alcohol that you consume on a daily basis?
02:05:10.000 Yeah.
02:05:10.000 Be honest.
02:05:11.000 We can quantify that.
02:05:12.000 Can I ask you a question?
02:05:14.000 Are you worried about the alcohol business going out?
02:05:20.000 I'm worried about the hit the economy is going to take.
02:05:23.000 I get what you're saying.
02:05:24.000 I get what you're saying.
02:05:25.000 That is a concern.
02:05:26.000 Okay, Bert.
02:05:27.000 Let's go.
02:05:28.000 Would you like that joint again?
02:05:30.000 That's what I was thinking.
02:05:31.000 Yeah.
02:05:31.000 Good call.
02:05:34.000 We're going to Tommy's house in Speedos after this, Joe.
02:05:37.000 I wouldn't imagine anything else.
02:05:41.000 My quantity, and I'll be very candid about this, but once again, I want to be honest.
02:05:48.000 Don't talk when I hit this. 0.98
02:05:49.000 You made a fucking joke last time about that ankle bracelet, and I fucking finally got that feeling out of my throat. 0.99
02:05:55.000 Interesting. 0.99
02:05:57.000 So...
02:06:00.000 I'm so pissed not to hear that joke.
02:06:07.000 How much booze do you consume?
02:06:09.000 In a day.
02:06:10.000 What's your average day like? 1.00
02:06:11.000 Let's be real about this shit. 1.00
02:06:13.000 Pretend there's a flight. 1.00
02:06:15.000 No, let's not pretend it's a flight.
02:06:17.000 Let's give it flight days and non-flight days.
02:06:19.000 Let's have a regular day.
02:06:21.000 Let's pretend for some strange reason you're home for a month and you're not traveling at all.
02:06:25.000 No flying, driving.
02:06:27.000 If I'm home for a month, I'm not drinking.
02:06:28.000 If I'm home for a month, I would not drink.
02:06:31.000 No drinking.
02:06:32.000 Doing shows.
02:06:33.000 You do local shows, comedy store, ice house.
02:06:36.000 Okay, you're right.
02:06:37.000 If I went to the store and you were like, hey, let's have a drink, I'd have to have a drink.
02:06:41.000 I would be the starter of this.
02:06:42.000 I was not drinking one night.
02:06:44.000 There's no way.
02:06:45.000 There's no way you would come up to me and say, maybe I would.
02:06:48.000 Joe, you want a drink?
02:06:49.000 Are you drinking right, Joe?
02:06:50.000 Joe, you're drinking right, right?
02:06:51.000 We're drinking?
02:06:51.000 Come on.
02:06:52.000 Come on, you're drinking?
02:06:53.000 I'll drink if you're drinking.
02:06:53.000 Sure, okay.
02:06:54.000 If you're drinking, I'll drink.
02:06:55.000 Are we drinking?
02:06:55.000 Boys, are we drinking?
02:06:56.000 We're fucking drinking. 1.00
02:06:57.000 Come on. 0.99
02:06:57.000 Everyone here's drinking and I'm not yet. 0.99
02:06:59.000 Yeah, let's start drinking.
02:06:59.000 Oh, you're not yet?
02:07:00.000 Let's all right.
02:07:00.000 Are we the only one here drinking?
02:07:01.000 Guys, you're going to give me anxiety if I'm the only one drinking.
02:07:03.000 Wow, that sounds so familiar.
02:07:06.000 Okay.
02:07:06.000 Good.
02:07:08.000 Fuck, I'm going to be really high to see my kids. 1.00
02:07:09.000 Like, what's the actual... 1.00
02:07:10.000 You'll be fine.
02:07:11.000 You'll be fine.
02:07:12.000 What's that?
02:07:12.000 What is the actual consumption?
02:07:14.000 Yeah, yeah.
02:07:15.000 What's your average day for real?
02:07:16.000 Just the volume.
02:07:16.000 I'd say the average day.
02:07:18.000 I wouldn't start drinking.
02:07:20.000 Till you woke up.
02:07:22.000 No, no, no.
02:07:22.000 I don't.
02:07:23.000 Let's hear it.
02:07:26.000 My average day right now is on the road.
02:07:28.000 I have a drink.
02:07:28.000 I brush my teeth.
02:07:29.000 Yeah.
02:07:30.000 And I will drink.
02:07:32.000 I'll have my first sip of a drink.
02:07:34.000 The second I step on stage, I'll take a sip.
02:07:36.000 Right.
02:07:37.000 I do not drink that whole drink.
02:07:39.000 And there's a lot of people that have seen me live recently, and they can probably all attest that they're bummed out that I don't murder the drink on the first show.
02:07:46.000 You never drank fake drinks, though.
02:07:48.000 Never drink Frakeshinks.
02:07:48.000 They need to know that.
02:07:50.000 I remember, I'll call him out because I called him out on my podcast.
02:07:54.000 Who?
02:07:54.000 Attell.
02:07:55.000 When I worked with him in Hawaii, Miami.
02:07:58.000 Where were you?
02:07:59.000 Miami, I'm funky.
02:08:01.000 I'm really high.
02:08:02.000 I am really high.
02:08:03.000 He's like, I was in England.
02:08:07.000 I was in Hawaii.
02:08:14.000 I thought I was having a stroke for a second.
02:08:21.000 How do you confuse those two?
02:08:24.000 Why do you think he didn't have a stroke?
02:08:26.000 Oh my god.
02:08:27.000 He might have.
02:08:28.000 Attell didn't do real shot, and I was like, because he was my hero.
02:08:32.000 Yeah. 1.00
02:08:33.000 And I was like, yeah, he just, I was like, fuck. 1.00
02:08:37.000 But he doesn't drink. 1.00
02:08:38.000 He stopped drinking.
02:08:39.000 This is in 2004. How do you guys know when he stopped?
02:08:44.000 How do you know when he stopped?
02:08:45.000 What year did he stop?
02:08:46.000 Five years ago-ish?
02:08:49.000 Yeah.
02:08:50.000 No, it's actually when Maren started his podcast.
02:08:52.000 Only because I know that Maren had him on, and he wasn't drinking, and he was eating Skittles.
02:08:57.000 That's more than that, then.
02:08:59.000 That's like eight years.
02:09:00.000 It's been a while, probably.
02:09:02.000 Yeah, maybe.
02:09:02.000 Taki's moving, I guess.
02:09:03.000 But I think...
02:09:06.000 I don't know what I was talking about.
02:09:08.000 I heard Marin is excellent in that new wrestling show on Netflix.
02:09:11.000 I've heard that too.
02:09:12.000 I've heard from a bunch of people that he kills it.
02:09:14.000 Yeah, I heard that too.
02:09:15.000 There's this female pro wrestling thing. 1.00
02:09:18.000 Glow is called the series. 0.78
02:09:19.000 And he's like a crazy manager character.
02:09:22.000 He's great. 0.99
02:09:22.000 Apparently he kills it. 0.99
02:09:23.000 Really?
02:09:24.000 Yeah, it's like the perfect role for him.
02:09:26.000 Dude, have you seen Ozarks?
02:09:27.000 He's super psyched.
02:09:28.000 Dude, don't talk to me about that.
02:09:30.000 I'm terrified.
02:09:31.000 I'm on episode three.
02:09:32.000 I'm freaking the fuck out.
02:09:33.000 Did you see the end of Game of Thrones?
02:09:35.000 Yes, I saw both. 0.99
02:09:37.000 There's too much good shit on. 0.99
02:09:38.000 When I was a kid, we had Starsky and Hutch, okay? 1.00
02:09:41.000 We had our TV made us dumber, and it was like eating cardboard. 0.74
02:09:46.000 It was horrible. 0.68
02:09:47.000 The difference between what people have today on TV, it's insane.
02:09:51.000 Game of Thrones, And Ozark.
02:09:54.000 Just those two.
02:09:55.000 Ozark is really good.
02:09:56.000 Dude, it's so good.
02:09:57.000 I haven't seen it. 0.99
02:09:57.000 It's fucking amazing. 0.99
02:09:59.000 You watch that first five minutes, first ten minutes of Ozarks, you're watching the whole season. 0.99
02:10:03.000 It is so good, dude.
02:10:04.000 Jason Bateman in that? 0.98
02:10:05.000 He's fucking phenomenal. 0.99
02:10:07.000 Oh, it's a serious show? 0.99
02:10:08.000 Yes.
02:10:09.000 The casting of his wife is brilliant.
02:10:12.000 Phenomenal.
02:10:12.000 Brilliant.
02:10:13.000 By the way...
02:10:14.000 What is her name again?
02:10:15.000 What is the...
02:10:15.000 Laura Linney.
02:10:16.000 She's amazing.
02:10:17.000 She's amazing. 1.00
02:10:18.000 Dude, this fucking show is so good. 1.00
02:10:19.000 You get so locked in, you're like, Jesus! 1.00
02:10:22.000 Like, it's just one of those shows where you're like, whoa.
02:10:25.000 The best comedy on streaming, no questions asked, Angie Tribeca.
02:10:29.000 What's that?
02:10:32.000 Are you okay?
02:10:33.000 It is, uh, it is.
02:10:34.000 Yeah, another stroke.
02:10:37.000 You probably said her name wrong.
02:10:41.000 Angie Tribeca.
02:10:43.000 Angie Tribeca.
02:10:43.000 My name's Angie, I'm from Tribeca.
02:10:45.000 It's Quincy Jones.
02:10:47.000 Or Angie Jones. 1.00
02:10:49.000 Rashida Jones?
02:10:50.000 Rashida Jones.
02:10:51.000 Ask Jamie, he's a prolifant user.
02:10:53.000 Rashida Jones, Deon Cole, that guy, and then Andre Vermillion.
02:10:57.000 What is this?
02:10:58.000 So it is the Naked Gun, but in a CSI Miami type show.
02:11:03.000 Oh, it's a comedy?
02:11:04.000 Yeah, it's a Naked Gun, so it's like imagine if you saw a brand new Naked Gun or Airplane. 0.98
02:11:10.000 It is so fucking funny. 0.95
02:11:12.000 Oh, really? 0.97
02:11:13.000 Yeah, and I watched it with my kids, and they'd never seen Airplane, so it's that introduction of Airplane or Naked Gun to them.
02:11:20.000 So they're going for big jokes like the whole time.
02:11:23.000 Yeah, everything.
02:11:23.000 It's just joke, joke, joke, joke, joke, joke.
02:11:25.000 That's hilarious.
02:11:26.000 It's really a great show.
02:11:29.000 That's cool.
02:11:30.000 How did we get to that?
02:11:32.000 By Bert Pryor.
02:11:33.000 Have you seen Ozarks?
02:11:36.000 Oh, yeah.
02:11:37.000 Like, okay, Game of Thrones, Ozark, and there's a new season of Narcos that's out, too.
02:11:42.000 Oh, yeah, I gotta see that.
02:11:44.000 Gabriel's in it this year.
02:11:45.000 There's more good television.
02:11:46.000 I watch Billions right now.
02:11:48.000 Don't you feel like it's hard for a movie to even work now?
02:11:51.000 Like, when you go to see movies? 1.00
02:11:52.000 Most movies are dumb. 0.99
02:11:54.000 Because they don't have time to develop. 0.99
02:11:55.000 You really gotta go for it, but then you've seen the same show on Netflix, the same show on HBO, the level of like, wow, this looks fucking gorgeous.
02:12:00.000 Well, they have this opportunity to stretch out these storylines.
02:12:03.000 That's the thing, you can really develop. 0.99
02:12:05.000 Game of Thrones, this season, was a fucking seven-hour movie. 0.99
02:12:09.000 Oh, so good. 0.99
02:12:11.000 And an amazing movie.
02:12:12.000 I've never watched it.
02:12:14.000 Oh, you've never watched it?
02:12:15.000 I've never watched it.
02:12:15.000 I don't like dragons.
02:12:19.000 Hold on, hold on, stop.
02:12:20.000 I don't like...
02:12:21.000 Tommy, I will watch this.
02:12:23.000 I watched the pilot episode of Game of Thrones the other day.
02:12:26.000 Just on a lark, I was like, what's this?
02:12:29.000 I saw the finale and I was so into it.
02:12:31.000 Wait a minute, you started with the finale?
02:12:33.000 No, hold on.
02:12:34.000 Hold on a sec.
02:12:35.000 Did you just say that?
02:12:36.000 No, no one's listening to me. 1.00
02:12:36.000 This is all the fat in your head. 1.00
02:12:37.000 I watched the whole series, beginning to end. 0.65
02:12:43.000 With everyone else.
02:12:44.000 I watched the finale and I was so wrapped up in what was going on that I went on HBO Go and I clicked the pilot episode. 0.98
02:12:51.000 Dude, watch the pilot episode and you will say to yourself, oh shit, I get it. 0.73
02:12:56.000 Like all these things that were little plots that, how they got their direwolves. 0.98
02:13:00.000 I didn't know how they got their direwolves.
02:13:01.000 How did they get their direwolves?
02:13:02.000 They found a big elk that had been murdered and they couldn't figure out how it was murdered.
02:13:07.000 And then they went...
02:13:09.000 And they saw that the elk's horn had gone through a direwolf, and direwolves shouldn't be south of the wall, in Winterfeld.
02:13:16.000 And so, Jon Snow picked up four direwolves.
02:13:19.000 Cubs.
02:13:20.000 Cubs.
02:13:20.000 And he said, she just had cubs, you should all have your cubs.
02:13:24.000 They should go to Ned Stark's children.
02:13:27.000 They should go to the Starks.
02:13:29.000 They're for Starks.
02:13:30.000 He gives them all to Dire Wolf. 1.00
02:13:32.000 And then the guy got his dick cut off. 1.00
02:13:34.000 He goes, you shouldn't get one. 1.00
02:13:36.000 You're a bastard. 1.00
02:13:37.000 This is your best story. 1.00
02:13:39.000 Yeah, this is like the machine.
02:13:41.000 You're watching him do that. 1.00
02:13:43.000 And then as they leave, they see a fucking runt one. 0.99
02:13:48.000 And they go, you should have this one. 1.00
02:13:50.000 You're the bastard. 1.00
02:13:51.000 You should have this one. 1.00
02:13:52.000 Dude, I feel like that was a book on tape.
02:13:54.000 That was pretty good, actually.
02:13:56.000 That was pretty good. 1.00
02:13:57.000 You guys are fucking murdering me. 1.00
02:13:59.000 That was pretty good. 1.00
02:14:00.000 You realize I'm going to be a fucking mess at your house. 1.00
02:14:02.000 My self-esteem is going to be fucked. 1.00
02:14:04.000 Dude, these guys are asshole. 1.00
02:14:06.000 You had me enthralled, man. 1.00
02:14:07.000 I was right there with you listening to this story.
02:14:08.000 I hated it so much.
02:14:11.000 I hated the last few minutes you've been alive and talking so much.
02:14:20.000 Oh my god.
02:14:22.000 Stop talking about it. 1.00
02:14:25.000 I fucking hate you. 1.00
02:14:27.000 I wish you would never feature for me at Last Unlimited. 1.00
02:14:31.000 And bomb so hard that I had to give them money.
02:14:34.000 You know what?
02:14:34.000 If there is a tape of this bombing, it might be, it's so bad.
02:14:38.000 It was so bad.
02:14:38.000 It's so brutal.
02:14:39.000 What was the one time that you bombed so hard that you broke it down on your podcast?
02:14:43.000 What was that one?
02:14:44.000 That was Winnipeg.
02:14:44.000 By the way, this one's worse.
02:14:46.000 This one actually is worse.
02:14:47.000 Yeah.
02:14:47.000 This one's worse because no one spoke.
02:14:50.000 Yeah, it's true bombing.
02:14:50.000 So it's just listening to someone monologue in a room of people where everyone's like...
02:14:56.000 Tommy, back at the time, used to have his hair a little longer and he'd feather it back, right?
02:15:00.000 But he was still balding.
02:15:03.000 It's the hiding of a balding man.
02:15:05.000 I bring him into the club.
02:15:06.000 I drive up with him.
02:15:07.000 I drive up with him to Sacramento.
02:15:08.000 I vouch for him. 0.99
02:15:10.000 This guy's fucking hilarious. 0.97
02:15:11.000 You're going to love him. 0.97
02:15:12.000 The manager, Leslie, is like, we had a feature booked.
02:15:16.000 I go, this guy is ten times funnier, trust me.
02:15:19.000 She goes, he better be.
02:15:20.000 He goes out, and his first joke flies out to nobody.
02:15:24.000 And everyone, and this girl, Leslie, walks right up to me, and she goes...
02:15:28.000 You said he was going to be funny.
02:15:30.000 And I see sweat forming on his brow, bubbling up.
02:15:34.000 And then I see his hair collapse to the side and start getting wet.
02:15:38.000 Tom looks skeptical.
02:15:40.000 It was terrible.
02:15:41.000 No, no.
02:15:41.000 It's worse than he was describing.
02:15:44.000 It's worse.
02:15:44.000 I remember it was 2005. I opened on a rape joke.
02:15:49.000 And it was about Hurricane Katrina. 0.96
02:15:52.000 A Hurricane Katrina rape joke?
02:15:54.000 Yeah, because it was right after Katrina. 0.97
02:15:58.000 And they said that people were getting raped in the aftermath.
02:16:03.000 Yeah, the metrodome.
02:16:04.000 So I did this thing where I was like...
02:16:06.000 The metrodome?
02:16:06.000 I mean, what is it?
02:16:07.000 Got it.
02:16:07.000 Superdome.
02:16:08.000 The metrodome's what sits on a piano.
02:16:10.000 I made some type of joke like, hey, they say there's... 0.98
02:16:14.000 It was something like, they say people are getting raped! 0.51
02:16:18.000 In New Orleans, in the aftermath, nothing would turn me on seeing a dead body float by. 0.90
02:16:24.000 Some things like that, where I'm making fun of it.
02:16:27.000 But it wasn't a written joke.
02:16:30.000 It was just something that I said.
02:16:32.000 And then I insisted on doing it a second time.
02:16:35.000 And that's when the hair falls to the side and catches the sweat.
02:16:38.000 No, I did it.
02:16:38.000 I opened with it, and I bombed for 25 straight minutes.
02:16:42.000 Actually, 22. Because when I got off, she goes, why didn't you do 25?
02:16:46.000 And I was like, because...
02:16:48.000 I was dying.
02:16:49.000 And she was like, I pay you for 25. Oh my god. 0.98
02:16:52.000 And then I opened the second show on the same joke.
02:16:54.000 Yeah. 0.99
02:16:55.000 And I ate equal shit for 25 minutes. 0.99
02:16:58.000 Why did you do it again? 0.99
02:16:59.000 I should say it was sold out.
02:17:01.000 So it was wall-to-wall packed.
02:17:03.000 Papered.
02:17:04.000 300 people.
02:17:07.000 And I was just soaking wet.
02:17:09.000 I remember, what was the MC? Tommy?
02:17:11.000 Oh, yeah, Tom. 1.00
02:17:13.000 Oh, fuck, I'm so... 1.00
02:17:14.000 God damn it. 1.00
02:17:15.000 Oh, Tom McLean. 1.00
02:17:16.000 Tom McLean. 1.00
02:17:17.000 You know you're eating shit when you're the feature act and you walk in the green room and the MC's like, oh, man, you fucking suck. 1.00
02:17:23.000 Like, I've never seen anyone eat shit like this in my life. 1.00
02:17:29.000 It's so crazy. 0.99
02:17:31.000 By the way, this is a testament to Tom.
02:17:36.000 Usually if you brought a comic up and he bombed that hard, you'd be like, I'll never talk to this guy again.
02:17:40.000 Maybe he shouldn't be doing comedy.
02:17:43.000 Tom talking to me in the green room about his bombing or at the bar after.
02:17:47.000 I remember we drove home on that ride and I was like, oh, this is my new best friend.
02:17:52.000 Yeah, that was great.
02:17:53.000 I also remember that when we got back to LA, you go, you didn't talk much.
02:17:59.000 And I go, that's because you were talking.
02:18:01.000 Do you remember the time you were like...
02:18:03.000 Well, I talk about two different memories of an event.
02:18:06.000 Okay.
02:18:07.000 No, good. 0.99
02:18:08.000 Actually, I think I told you this before, but he saved my ass because I bombed so hard. 0.98
02:18:13.000 And think about a straight up 25 minute bomb, and then on the late show doing it exactly the same again. 0.98
02:18:20.000 No, you guys are wrong.
02:18:21.000 I'll show you.
02:18:22.000 Why did you do it? 1.00
02:18:23.000 I think I was convinced that I could make that stupid... 1.00
02:18:27.000 Very funny. 0.99
02:18:29.000 Like, I was like, I want to get it right, so I'm going to do it.
02:18:31.000 I'll show them I can do that right.
02:18:33.000 And by the way, the public is thinking, the similar thing is, Hurricane Harvey, right now. 0.99
02:18:36.000 People are all coming together, and you're making a fucking rape a dead body joke. 0.99
02:18:40.000 I wasn't encouraging it. 0.99
02:18:41.000 What did you adjust?
02:18:42.000 What did you adjust?
02:18:43.000 On the late show?
02:18:44.000 Probably nothing.
02:18:47.000 He just thought if he said it again, they'd get it.
02:18:51.000 He didn't sit down with it and go, let me try to pick this apart. 1.00
02:18:55.000 I was like, they were dumb. 1.00
02:18:56.000 What? 1.00
02:18:56.000 For real? 1.00
02:18:57.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.
02:18:58.000 It was also 2005. How many years have you been doing comedy?
02:19:00.000 It was my third year.
02:19:02.000 Oh, wow. 0.99
02:19:03.000 Damn, that's a slippery time, right? 1.00
02:19:05.000 Well, and then in the hotel room, I was like, man, this fucking... 0.99
02:19:09.000 Is this what it's gonna be like? 0.99
02:19:10.000 I really was fucked up over those two bombings. 0.98
02:19:12.000 That's how I messed up. 0.99
02:19:14.000 People quit sometimes.
02:19:15.000 I mean, it was pretty rough.
02:19:17.000 The next day was Saturday.
02:19:18.000 So that was Friday night.
02:19:19.000 Two epic bombings.
02:19:21.000 And then Saturday, the first show's about to start, and I can see these guys are eyeballing me.
02:19:26.000 Like, yo, man, this is...
02:19:27.000 Like, I'm gonna make a wish kid or something.
02:19:29.000 Like, you gotta...
02:19:31.000 Not me, not me.
02:19:32.000 Well, no, but then you came up to me, you go, can I give you one piece of advice?
02:19:35.000 And then you drank, and then you were like...
02:19:37.000 You go, just open with a different joke.
02:19:42.000 Just do everything else you want to do the same.
02:19:44.000 Just open with a different joke.
02:19:46.000 And I go, okay, okay, okay.
02:19:48.000 And then it went...
02:19:50.000 Amazing. 0.98
02:19:51.000 But here's how shitty it was. 1.00
02:19:53.000 Like, that manager the night before was like, this is like, you really ate dog shit up there twice. 0.99
02:20:00.000 Like, I don't think, I mean, that is terrible. 0.99
02:20:01.000 Like, she was like reminding me.
02:20:04.000 And that next show, Saturday, was also full. 0.99
02:20:07.000 And it fucking, it was like an epic show. 0.98
02:20:11.000 It was like exactly what you'd want after a bombing like that. 0.99
02:20:13.000 And they had a curtain like this separating the showroom from the bar. 0.60
02:20:18.000 Like, not even a wall, just a curtain.
02:20:20.000 So after my set, he's on stage, I just open the curtain, and I go, well, nice recovery, right?
02:20:26.000 She goes, what happened?
02:20:27.000 I was back here. 1.00
02:20:28.000 I was like, you heard that shit. 1.00
02:20:31.000 You fucking heard that. 1.00
02:20:31.000 You heard laughs, at least. 1.00
02:20:32.000 Of course, man. 0.99
02:20:34.000 She did the same shit to me the first time I featured there. 1.00
02:20:36.000 She criticized me, and then I... I did a good feature set. 0.99
02:20:41.000 She was like, I was like, what did you think?
02:20:42.000 She was like, didn't hear it. 1.00
02:20:43.000 And I was like, oh, fuck you. 1.00
02:20:44.000 You boys sound salty. 1.00
02:20:46.000 Yeah.
02:20:47.000 It was a tough club to do.
02:20:49.000 I also got a bounce check for them.
02:20:51.000 Yeah, me too.
02:20:52.000 Oh, really?
02:20:52.000 Me too.
02:20:53.000 Shout out to Steve Groves.
02:20:55.000 I'll say his name.
02:20:57.000 I bobbed once in South Carolina and went on a golfing trip with my college friends.
02:21:01.000 My high school friends, excuse me.
02:21:02.000 We went out there and I did a guest spot at the Coconut something in Charleston.
02:21:08.000 And then we were driving like a day later and some girls were like, you know, because it's a vacation town, they were like, ooh, like screaming at us. 1.00
02:21:13.000 And somebody's like, what are they saying?
02:21:14.000 And somebody's like, oh, there's that guy who bombed last night.
02:21:16.000 Ah!
02:21:18.000 Because I didn't mention it when I got off stage.
02:21:20.000 It was like, let's go.
02:21:21.000 Oh, you want to hear a good bombing story?
02:21:23.000 Yeah.
02:21:24.000 The Comedy Corner in Atlanta.
02:21:26.000 I had just done stand-up one time, and I signed up for the Comedy Corner in Atlanta because my girlfriend lived there.
02:21:32.000 Open mic night?
02:21:33.000 Open mic night.
02:21:34.000 I sign up.
02:21:35.000 I show up. 0.96
02:21:35.000 It's an all-black club. 0.96
02:21:37.000 But I'm unaware of the way open mic night works, so I buy tickets for me and her, and they sit us up front.
02:21:45.000 Two white people, the only two white people in the whole room.
02:21:48.000 First guy comes on stage and starts making fun of me and says, what's your name?
02:21:53.000 I said, it's Bert.
02:21:54.000 And they go nuts.
02:21:55.000 Oh, we're going to call you Bertie Bert. 0.75
02:21:56.000 We're going to give you a hood name.
02:21:57.000 It's Bertie Bert.
02:21:58.000 I was like, yeah, yeah, yeah.
02:21:59.000 Bertie Bert's great.
02:22:00.000 And they make fun of me. 0.99
02:22:01.000 Every black comic that comes on makes fun of me for fucking ever. 0.98
02:22:07.000 Then he gets to the end of the show, and he's like, we got one more comic to come up. 0.98
02:22:09.000 Last comic of the evening, ladies and gentlemen.
02:22:11.000 Put your hands together for Burger.
02:22:13.000 Crouchy, Croucher, Croucher.
02:22:15.000 Oh wait, hold on.
02:22:16.000 And then he goes, oh wait! 1.00
02:22:17.000 Oh shit, it's Bertie Bert! 1.00
02:22:19.000 And the place goes fucking nuts. 1.00
02:22:21.000 This is the guy they've been fucking with the whole night. 0.99
02:22:23.000 And I get up on stage and I go, you guys ever jack off in a cheeseburger? 0.99
02:22:27.000 Uh. 0.99
02:22:28.000 And the guy they liked and were rooting for started sucking and they fucking lit me up on stage like I've never to this day been lit up and I had no comebacks. 0.99
02:22:39.000 I was like... 1.00
02:22:40.000 Dude, they fucking went from love to hate in an instant with one joke. 0.99
02:22:46.000 How uncomfortable was it with your girlfriend after the show? 0.99
02:22:49.000 Oh, yeah! 1.00
02:22:50.000 Dude, that's it, down in Buckhead, we beelined out of that motherfucker, but the guy sitting next to her, we're like, aw, he suck! 1.00
02:22:58.000 He suck! 1.00
02:23:00.000 And what's she telling you, like, hey, you do suck? 1.00
02:23:03.000 Man, she was a good girlfriend, except for all the other stuff. 0.99
02:23:07.000 But she was the only one that got me into comedy.
02:23:09.000 What'd she say?
02:23:10.000 What'd she say?
02:23:11.000 Was she like, you were fine?
02:23:11.000 She was a little delusional about how good you had to be to do it.
02:23:16.000 She was like, yeah, you were great.
02:23:17.000 That was great.
02:23:18.000 You handled it well.
02:23:18.000 You were in a bad situation.
02:23:20.000 Shout out to Kristen Meddock. 1.00
02:23:22.000 She was pretty right with that analogy.
02:23:25.000 That's your second time ever on stage?
02:23:26.000 Yeah.
02:23:27.000 Second time on stage at the Comedy Corner.
02:23:29.000 Wow, the confidence.
02:23:29.000 But no, because...
02:23:30.000 Invite somebody. 0.99
02:23:31.000 Dude, when they said, oh shit, it's Bertie Bert, the place went nuts. 0.99
02:23:35.000 Oh, you had him? 1.00
02:23:36.000 Yeah. 0.95
02:23:36.000 I was the guy that they've been fucking with all night. 0.95
02:23:38.000 They love this guy. 1.00
02:23:39.000 Like if it was you today, you would just murder that crowd. 0.99
02:23:41.000 Oh. 0.96
02:23:42.000 You ever think about that? 1.00
02:23:42.000 Like getting in a time machine, letting these motherfuckers know what's up? 1.00
02:23:46.000 Yeah. 1.00
02:23:46.000 Just boom. 1.00
02:23:48.000 Birdie Burt's back. 0.99
02:23:50.000 Oh shit, it's Birdie Burt. 0.99
02:23:52.000 Man, I do weigh like 380 pounds. 1.00
02:23:54.000 He's 379 if he's on nickel. 1.00
02:23:57.000 Look at that fat motherfucker on stage. 1.00
02:24:00.000 He got fat feet. 1.00
02:24:02.000 I saw his fat feet. 0.66
02:24:04.000 What are you...
02:24:05.000 He's a size 13, but not really.
02:24:08.000 He's got a hobbit foot. 1.00
02:24:09.000 He's a size 12 with fat ass feet. 1.00
02:24:12.000 Can't run no marathon! 1.00
02:24:13.000 You got some extra room in front of your toe because your feet so fat.
02:24:18.000 Why didn't you touch my feet? 0.98
02:24:22.000 What do you think you can do and then afterwards we gotta go do decathlon if you can do this ridiculous thing that you probably can't do. 0.95
02:24:29.000 Okay.
02:24:30.000 What?
02:24:30.000 By the way, I'm going to regret this part of my life.
02:24:35.000 Why?
02:24:35.000 Because I think I would like to challenge myself to the yoga and the not drinking, but I do want to incorporate it into us.
02:24:46.000 I liked having people to talk shit to on text. 0.94
02:24:50.000 And I know that you guys will be like, are you drinking tonight? 0.99
02:24:53.000 Or whatever.
02:24:54.000 And we can accord people on the outside, but I don't know.
02:24:57.000 I think it should be...
02:24:58.000 I like the decathlon idea.
02:25:01.000 I don't have a problem trying to run a marathon.
02:25:04.000 But I do think...
02:25:05.000 Tom said he didn't like the idea to me personally because he was like, there's just no payoff.
02:25:09.000 We'll all for sure quit.
02:25:11.000 We'll all for sure quit.
02:25:12.000 So then what's the point?
02:25:14.000 It's so anticlimactic.
02:25:16.000 The weight loss challenge, or the non-drinking challenge you can keep up with.
02:25:20.000 Yeah, I don't think you can do that, but normal people could.
02:25:22.000 I'll do it.
02:25:23.000 People without problems.
02:25:23.000 I'll do it.
02:25:24.000 90 days.
02:25:25.000 91 days.
02:25:26.000 30 days.
02:25:27.000 91 days.
02:25:27.000 30 days.
02:25:28.000 92 days.
02:25:29.000 75 days.
02:25:29.000 32 days.
02:25:30.000 30 days.
02:25:31.000 We're adding days.
02:25:32.000 32 days.
02:25:32.000 80 days.
02:25:33.000 Can I just add one thing of clarity?
02:25:35.000 Can I say you can't drink or be drunk during all of October?
02:25:40.000 He's like getting through his veins.
02:25:41.000 Good call, Ari.
02:25:43.000 That's a really good caveat. 0.99
02:25:44.000 If you're going to be fucking drunk the whole first night because you shouldn't be drinking for six hours. 0.97
02:25:47.000 Can we ask you this, though, seriously, for our own peace of mind? 0.99
02:25:50.000 Like, all jokes aside, we don't have to worry about withdrawal symptoms with you?
02:25:55.000 Charcoal pills.
02:25:56.000 Have them at your house.
02:25:57.000 Have them at your house.
02:25:58.000 You think that we would rest easy?
02:26:00.000 I say we don't do this unless you get the charcoal pills and have them at your house.
02:26:04.000 Well, I don't think that's good enough.
02:26:06.000 I mean, if you're really going through the shakes...
02:26:08.000 Guys, we're fine.
02:26:10.000 Can't believe we're having this conversation.
02:26:12.000 Can we have your doctor sign off on it?
02:26:13.000 Yeah.
02:26:14.000 100%.
02:26:14.000 Okay.
02:26:15.000 Guys, you can run a marathon easy, and he's in great shape.
02:26:18.000 Yeah.
02:26:18.000 This should be no problem.
02:26:19.000 I kind of hope I do die now.
02:26:21.000 No, I'm going to be fine.
02:26:23.000 I'll be fine.
02:26:23.000 Your actual doctor.
02:26:24.000 Not like fucking, I don't know, Craig Shoemaker. 1.00
02:26:26.000 No, all bullshit aside, like what... 1.00
02:26:27.000 What is the last day you didn't drink? 0.99
02:26:30.000 How long ago?
02:26:31.000 The other night.
02:26:32.000 Wait, we never even got to how much you drink normally.
02:26:34.000 Yeah, how much do you drink normally?
02:26:35.000 Yeah, you still didn't say that.
02:26:36.000 Let's just do this.
02:26:37.000 On a regular day.
02:26:38.000 On a regular day, then we'll do a travel day.
02:26:40.000 I'll just tell you a little story.
02:26:42.000 Tom, this is better than the Game of Thrones one.
02:26:44.000 Okay, but how much do you normally drink, though, for real?
02:26:47.000 Let's just do it.
02:26:47.000 Yeah, let's just stop with the stories.
02:26:49.000 Give us numbers.
02:26:49.000 No, I was about to...
02:26:50.000 Yesterday, we had a half a handle of Tito's, and we were going over to our friend's house.
02:26:55.000 Yeah.
02:26:56.000 It's the Lord's Day, of course.
02:26:57.000 And I said, we should get a full bottle of Tito's, thinking that there would be more people there that would want Tito's.
02:27:02.000 Yeah.
02:27:02.000 And she said...
02:27:04.000 I'm being dead serious.
02:27:05.000 If you go through a half-handled Tito's, you have a legit problem.
02:27:08.000 Who said this?
02:27:09.000 Leanne.
02:27:10.000 And I still had an inch of Tito's when I came home last night.
02:27:13.000 So, like, that's...
02:27:14.000 After the problem.
02:27:15.000 But that's a lot of booze.
02:27:16.000 And after you cleared another handle?
02:27:18.000 No, no, no, no, no.
02:27:19.000 What's a handle?
02:27:20.000 It's the big thing.
02:27:22.000 I drank half of this at the party.
02:27:25.000 No, it's more than that.
02:27:26.000 A handle's more than that.
02:27:27.000 A handle's the one with the actual handle?
02:27:29.000 Yeah, it has a handle.
02:27:30.000 That's why they call it a handle, yeah.
02:27:32.000 When was the last time you didn't do that?
02:27:36.000 A few days ago.
02:27:37.000 Wait, so...
02:27:38.000 A few days ago, what happened?
02:27:39.000 Did you drink at all?
02:27:40.000 No, I didn't drink at all.
02:27:41.000 59 ounces?
02:27:42.000 Did you sleep through the day?
02:27:43.000 Look at that!
02:27:44.000 Look at that!
02:27:45.000 So essentially 30 ounces, so you drank...
02:27:47.000 Dude, you can play music on that.
02:27:49.000 I drank a quarter of a handle.
02:27:52.000 Dude, one shot of vodka is one and a half ounces.
02:27:54.000 So you're basically drinking like 50 ounces?
02:27:56.000 By the way, you're watching me drink right now and I'm buzzed.
02:27:59.000 And barely anything, by the way.
02:28:01.000 Yep, but I'm still buzzed.
02:28:03.000 What do you mean?
02:28:04.000 That's an insane amount of booze you're talking about.
02:28:07.000 That much?
02:28:08.000 If that's real, what that guy's talking about? 0.98
02:28:10.000 No, no, don't bullshit him. 0.98
02:28:12.000 If you're talking about that jug of Tito's, if he can drink a half of one of those, that's insane. 0.98
02:28:19.000 I said a quarter.
02:28:20.000 I said a quarter.
02:28:20.000 Okay.
02:28:21.000 Hang on one second.
02:28:22.000 I can also drink a half of one.
02:28:24.000 I think it's going unnoted that it's also scotch.
02:28:27.000 A quarter is 20 shots, man.
02:28:30.000 Or 15 shots.
02:28:32.000 35 shots and a handle.
02:28:33.000 There's 35 shots and a handle.
02:28:34.000 Okay.
02:28:35.000 So half of that's 15 shots.
02:28:37.000 I'm drinking 7 shots.
02:28:38.000 7 shots is a lot of booze. 0.80
02:28:40.000 Is that right?
02:28:40.000 I'm throwing up on 7 shots.
02:28:42.000 I am barfing.
02:28:43.000 If I have 7 shots over 3 hours...
02:28:45.000 That thing in the middle, 60 shots or 35 shots is 1.5 ounces.
02:28:51.000 I'm saying if I drank that much I'd for sure barf.
02:28:53.000 Yeah, you're right.
02:28:54.000 You're actually right.
02:28:55.000 I feel like...
02:28:56.000 I don't want this to get away from anyone.
02:28:58.000 What about on a flying day?
02:28:59.000 Okay.
02:29:01.000 Once again.
02:29:02.000 Once again.
02:29:02.000 I'm being dead serious.
02:29:04.000 You guys are my friends.
02:29:05.000 Yeah, we love you, man.
02:29:06.000 Legit.
02:29:06.000 Yeah.
02:29:06.000 I'll be honest.
02:29:08.000 But let's not go fucking overboard. 0.94
02:29:10.000 Yeah. 0.95
02:29:11.000 But we're going to make jokes, though.
02:29:12.000 You can't stop us from making jokes.
02:29:13.000 We're crazy enough we've never heard of.
02:29:15.000 I just want people listening to remember I like you guys.
02:29:17.000 Yeah, yeah.
02:29:17.000 We like you, too.
02:29:18.000 You guys are like, okay, here we go.
02:29:19.000 We think it's funny.
02:29:20.000 Okay, go ahead.
02:29:21.000 So we'll just show an average flight is at 7 a.m.
02:29:25.000 Bars aren't open.
02:29:26.000 I bring four bottles of Tito, little baby bottles, in my bag.
02:29:31.000 How do you get them in your bag?
02:29:33.000 Let me just tell you guys.
02:29:34.000 Okay.
02:29:35.000 I pack them in the side.
02:29:36.000 You're allowed to travel with up to eight.
02:29:39.000 In your bag that you check or the bag that you carry on?
02:29:43.000 You can bring on eight.
02:29:47.000 I'll bring eight to Singapore.
02:29:49.000 You're allowed eight so you bring eight.
02:29:50.000 I thought you couldn't bring liquid on a plane.
02:29:52.000 No, no, it's small doses.
02:29:53.000 Yeah, you're totally allowed to.
02:29:55.000 Like liquid drinks?
02:29:57.000 Little tiny baby shots.
02:29:59.000 The size of your lighter.
02:29:59.000 I'm saying I trust the expert on that.
02:30:01.000 I'm stunned.
02:30:04.000 You think only Joe's?
02:30:05.000 I thought you couldn't bring like a drink.
02:30:07.000 I think the thing is that like if you walk through with this and a little bit...
02:30:10.000 They say no way.
02:30:11.000 They say no way.
02:30:11.000 Sealed.
02:30:12.000 It's that he has a small bottle with a small amount of that volume.
02:30:16.000 And sealed.
02:30:18.000 But also an obvious drinking problem.
02:30:20.000 So they must at that point look at him and go, yeah, okay, sure, yeah, you need this beer medicine.
02:30:24.000 But he's bringing in eight of those little bottles.
02:30:25.000 That's crazy.
02:30:25.000 That's a crazy number.
02:30:27.000 But you put those in your bag, but you've also made a drink before you left the house, right?
02:30:31.000 Nope.
02:30:32.000 We're talking my worst travel day, and this is on the reg on a Sunday when I fly home.
02:30:38.000 No, I want an average day.
02:30:40.000 Let's start with a bad day and then we'll work our way back.
02:30:44.000 Get to the airport.
02:30:47.000 Don't eat anything.
02:30:49.000 Why not?
02:30:50.000 Because there's nothing healthy to eat at an airport.
02:30:52.000 But I'm still concerned with my food intake, so I won't have an egg sandwich.
02:30:59.000 Why would you want all that protein?
02:31:01.000 Okay, I guess it's better than eating it, I guess.
02:31:03.000 Yeah.
02:31:04.000 So you get to the airport?
02:31:07.000 Yeah.
02:31:08.000 You get through security?
02:31:09.000 Yep.
02:31:09.000 And then what do you do?
02:31:10.000 I go find a place.
02:31:13.000 I scout the food court for who has styrofoam cups.
02:31:16.000 Because if you have paper cups, the vodka will cut the seam in your drink and it'll collapse on your lap sometimes.
02:31:22.000 So I scout a place for styrofoam cups.
02:31:24.000 Smart.
02:31:25.000 Or plastic cups.
02:31:25.000 McDonald's.
02:31:26.000 Shout out to McDonald's.
02:31:27.000 Go over, say, hey, can I get an orange juice and a big 32-ounce cup of ice? 0.99
02:31:31.000 And then I go into the bathroom, I pretend to take a shit, I crack four... 0.99
02:31:35.000 Sounds like a proud guy. 0.99
02:31:37.000 Yeah.
02:31:37.000 Crack the four bottles, pour them in the cup, pour the orange juice in.
02:31:41.000 Do you take your pants off while you're doing this?
02:31:42.000 You got it.
02:31:44.000 So then you pour the orange juice?
02:31:46.000 I do.
02:31:47.000 You don't take a dump while you're doing this.
02:31:48.000 I take the four...
02:31:49.000 Sometimes, if it's there, it's there.
02:31:51.000 Sometimes, yeah.
02:31:51.000 Why avoid a dump if you're in position to take a dump?
02:31:54.000 You're already naked. 0.95
02:31:56.000 Sadness. 0.57
02:31:56.000 I get so excited when I sit down and it's a warm toilet. 0.57
02:32:00.000 How long does it take you to get through that drink?
02:32:02.000 I don't drink it.
02:32:04.000 Wait, so you pour them all in?
02:32:05.000 Pour four in, and then go to the airplane and just wait.
02:32:12.000 Now, for me, personally, my anxiety is cut in half because I know I have a cocktail if I need one.
02:32:17.000 And then I get on the plane, I sip it, and I pass out.
02:32:22.000 And you generally don't drink those other four?
02:32:25.000 He drank them all.
02:32:26.000 Maybe I do.
02:32:28.000 He had eight.
02:32:30.000 No, no, I just drink four.
02:32:31.000 Because I want four for the flight home.
02:32:33.000 For safety?
02:32:34.000 For the flight home.
02:32:34.000 Oh.
02:32:35.000 Yeah.
02:32:35.000 These rituals are like, I'm sure, I mean...
02:32:38.000 So that's going to be a really tough part of this.
02:32:39.000 When was the last time you flew sober?
02:32:41.000 One year ago.
02:32:42.000 Wow!
02:32:43.000 Where'd you fly?
02:32:44.000 Phoenix.
02:32:45.000 Not a big flight, but I talked to your wife about it.
02:32:48.000 What I'd noticed is if I did a row of unassisted sleeps, and then the night before the flight took a Xanax, at like 5, then when I woke up, the Xanax was effectively still in my system, and there was no panic.
02:33:02.000 And I flew, I think, to Minnesota sober, and back sober, and I was like, whoa.
02:33:09.000 And then I did Phoenix, and then I did the Hot Wings thing, Hot Wings Challenge, and the next night I was like, my stomach's fucked, I was in panic, and I drank.
02:33:16.000 What's the panic from? 0.92
02:33:18.000 I think that's how my brain works.
02:33:20.000 What do you mean?
02:33:20.000 What are you center on?
02:33:21.000 Part of me thinks it's from doing ecstasy in college.
02:33:23.000 But what are you center on?
02:33:24.000 Is it a fright?
02:33:25.000 Solid.
02:33:26.000 Is it a fright or just overall panic?
02:33:29.000 It's more like a dread.
02:33:30.000 It's anxiety, right?
02:33:30.000 Of being up in the air?
02:33:32.000 Dread.
02:33:32.000 Of the fact that I can't get out and that it might explode at any second and I can't stop that and then I just, like right now, right now you're going to blow up.
02:33:40.000 Right now you're going to blow up.
02:33:40.000 You had that thought a lot?
02:33:42.000 If I'm sober, man, on a flight, I cry sometimes.
02:33:45.000 Like, legit cry, so I have to bring sunglasses on. 0.99
02:33:49.000 Dude, I am so ritualistic on airplanes, you have no fucking idea. 0.77
02:33:53.000 I have to drink, I have to have a cocktail when I get on the plane, because if I don't have it, then I start panicking. 0.99
02:33:59.000 I can't take a Xanax because sometimes you get delayed and then you're just fucking...
02:34:02.000 How much will you drink on that flight to Singapore, you think? 0.98
02:34:07.000 Those flights aren't super bad.
02:34:09.000 They're not as bad for you?
02:34:10.000 Let me ask you this.
02:34:12.000 Have you ever thought about trying to manage the way your mind thinks about things?
02:34:18.000 Instead of thinking about medicating it, just try to put yourself in a position where you try to manage your paranoia or your thoughts.
02:34:26.000 As they're coming in, just sort of reject them and use some meditation techniques to relax.
02:34:32.000 But what have you ever done meditation-wise?
02:34:35.000 I haven't done TM, and everyone suggested TM. Transcendental Meditation.
02:34:41.000 That's a weird one, right?
02:34:42.000 A lot of people think that's very cultish.
02:34:45.000 There was a lot of criticism of that, but I know a lot of super successful people use that.
02:34:50.000 There's a lot of weird articles on meditation.
02:34:52.000 People get, like, they get weird about other people trying to be enlightened.
02:34:56.000 It's really interesting. 1.00
02:34:57.000 Like, people start shitting on people, like, mindfulness is bullshit. 1.00
02:35:00.000 Like, okay, are you sure? 1.00
02:35:01.000 Are you sure it's bullshit? 1.00
02:35:03.000 Because it seems like if you're writing mindfulness is bullshit, like, for you, it's probably bullshit. 1.00
02:35:08.000 Because you're writing a fucking article on people trying to look at things objectively with clarity. 1.00
02:35:14.000 And be in the moment instead of be scattered and cast about by the momentum of their past and all the things happening around them where it takes them out of control. 0.99
02:35:23.000 The idea is to try to be in the moment. 0.98
02:35:24.000 How could that be bullshit? 0.99
02:35:26.000 It can't be. 1.00
02:35:27.000 It literally can't be bullshit because you're trying to just be an easier person to deal with, get through life smoother. 0.98
02:35:33.000 It makes me like people of faith. 0.96
02:35:36.000 I would love to have faith.
02:35:36.000 I say this sometimes on stage.
02:35:38.000 I'd love to have faith.
02:35:39.000 There's great benefits to religious beliefs as long as they're positive religious beliefs. 0.96
02:35:43.000 If you could have a perfect religion, like a religion that didn't have all the contradictions and hypocrisy and crazy shit about killing people to wear two different types of cloth or any of the weird shit that is in any ancient text that gets translated into modern times. 0.56
02:35:57.000 If you could create something that gave you a rock-solid, sensible ethic that was based on science and the reality is what we know and how vulnerable we really are and how big the universe really is.
02:36:07.000 If somebody could rewrite something where they weren't trying to control people with it, they weren't asking for donations, they were just trying to set out a way to look at the world in a clear framework that's open to all possibilities but allows you to move through this Time and space in the most harmonious manner with our fellow brothers and sisters.
02:36:26.000 That's what we're all missing. 0.99
02:36:28.000 Because we're too smart for the old stupid shit about people walking on water and coming back from the dead. 0.99
02:36:32.000 People are like, look, maybe it's an allegory, maybe it's a parable, maybe it's based on some ancient story that means something different, but we lost it all in the translation. 0.99
02:36:41.000 We need something else.
02:36:42.000 Because we're too open-ended.
02:36:44.000 And people get, like, super concerned with it not meaning anything ultimately at the end.
02:36:50.000 But what it means for sure something is right now.
02:36:53.000 If you have good friends, if you enjoy your life, then it means something for sure for right now.
02:36:58.000 There's no denying that.
02:36:59.000 Like, in the moment, it means something.
02:37:01.000 You could be a nihilist, you could be, you know, you have this fatalistic view of the future, but if you look at the moment right now, it always means something.
02:37:10.000 It always means something to be enjoying yourself.
02:37:12.000 That's all you have.
02:37:13.000 You definitely said some things that align with Buddhism, though.
02:37:15.000 Yeah, for sure.
02:37:17.000 Stay in the now.
02:37:17.000 Yeah.
02:37:19.000 That is all connected together.
02:37:21.000 People have had all these ideas for thousands of years where they realized moments in their life where they got it right.
02:37:27.000 There's moments in your life where you have a near-death experience, you almost get run over by a buffalo or something like that, and you just stand there looking at each other, and it all makes sense.
02:37:35.000 What matters is love and friendship and the moment, the life that you're experiencing right now.
02:37:40.000 I'm like, oh, this is cool right now.
02:37:42.000 Remember that time you didn't drink for five days?
02:37:45.000 That was a long time ago, but it's probably the way I remember riding a bike for the first time.
02:37:51.000 By the way, hey, can I tell you something?
02:37:54.000 Once again, we're in secret time here.
02:37:57.000 The last time I didn't drink for a long stretch, I had this moment of clarity where I went, I haven't made a lot of decisions as an adult sober.
02:38:07.000 Like, I didn't pick to get into stand-up sober.
02:38:09.000 I was the number one party in the country. 0.99
02:38:11.000 I just fucking moved to New York. 0.99
02:38:13.000 We do believe those rankings. 0.99
02:38:17.000 Do you think there's no one out there that was fucking doing it up at the University of Detroit? 0.99
02:38:21.000 That a party animal? 0.98
02:38:22.000 That was just off the chain. 1.00
02:38:23.000 Rowland Stone never got to me, motherfucker! 1.00
02:38:28.000 Listen, Marty Burton, Rowland Stone never contacted me. 1.00
02:38:32.000 You might be in Detroit laying it down, gin and juicing these motherfuckers into a coma. 1.00
02:38:38.000 Up for days. 1.00
02:38:39.000 Up for days. 0.90
02:38:41.000 There's definitely some maniacs out there.
02:38:47.000 There's a guy named Colin who lit a bowl one time and was so high he passed out and the bowl landed on his cheek and it burned a half moon in his cheek.
02:39:00.000 What's the most embarrassing thing you've ever done the way you fell asleep?
02:39:04.000 I can tell you one more.
02:39:05.000 I did it awake.
02:39:06.000 Awake?
02:39:07.000 Sober. 1.00
02:39:08.000 Have you ever gone down on a girl and fell asleep on her pussy? 1.00
02:39:10.000 No way. 1.00
02:39:11.000 No.
02:39:12.000 You have?
02:39:12.000 I did.
02:39:13.000 Jesus Christ.
02:39:15.000 Oh my gosh.
02:39:17.000 Do you have narcolepsy?
02:39:18.000 No. 1.00
02:39:19.000 Does she have a boring pussy? 1.00
02:39:20.000 She had a fantastic. 1.00
02:39:21.000 It was wonderful.
02:39:22.000 But I was delivering newspapers. 1.00
02:39:24.000 He was flipping through her pussy like it was gone with the wind. 1.00
02:39:26.000 I was delivering newspapers in the morning. 1.00
02:39:29.000 And I was doing stand-up at night.
02:39:31.000 So I was getting up every morning at like 5 o'clock in the morning and I was working every night.
02:39:36.000 And then during the day I would work too. 0.98
02:39:37.000 I'd do a bunch of different shit during the day. 0.98
02:39:39.000 Just try to pay my bills. 0.99
02:39:41.000 I was always tired.
02:39:42.000 I was always tired.
02:39:43.000 I was working for a private investigator.
02:39:45.000 That was like a lot of what I did.
02:39:46.000 I was driving around this private investigator.
02:39:48.000 Like following people? 0.94
02:39:49.000 Yeah, it was a lot of insurance cases and shit like that. 0.81
02:39:52.000 But meanwhile, I was always tired. 0.96
02:39:54.000 Like so tired. 0.97
02:39:55.000 And one time I was going down and I just fucking conked out. 0.96
02:39:58.000 I fell asleep. 0.92
02:39:59.000 What did she do? 0.80
02:40:00.000 What did she do? 0.80
02:40:01.000 She got so mad.
02:40:03.000 She got so mad.
02:40:04.000 And I'm like, do you think I wanted to do that?
02:40:06.000 Like, I'm not happy to be that tired.
02:40:09.000 It's not like you're boring.
02:40:09.000 Like, I'm breaking myself.
02:40:11.000 Yeah, you broke down.
02:40:12.000 I'm breaking myself.
02:40:13.000 I'm working out.
02:40:13.000 I was still kickboxing.
02:40:15.000 Oh, yeah.
02:40:15.000 I was doing stand-up comedy.
02:40:16.000 I was getting up in the morning.
02:40:18.000 I was delivering newspapers. 1.00
02:40:19.000 Somebody falling asleep on your dick. 1.00
02:40:21.000 I was working for a private investigator all day, then I was getting to the gym, then I was sparring, then after I was sparring, then I was going out and doing stand-up, and after I was doing stand-up, then I'd go over to the house and eat pussy. 1.00
02:40:33.000 Sometimes I'd just blackout. 0.99
02:40:34.000 And she was like halfway to coming, she could feel the horizon coming, and I was like, wait, what?
02:40:38.000 Oh, come on! 0.99
02:40:39.000 She probably got so mad at me.
02:40:40.000 I was only 21, or whatever it was.
02:40:42.000 I went down on a girl with gum in my mouth once. 0.99
02:40:44.000 Really?
02:40:45.000 That's a good move.
02:40:48.000 Just like, gum in there.
02:40:49.000 Sometimes it happens.
02:40:51.000 You gotta put ice in her post. 1.00
02:40:52.000 Try to get out there with peanut butter.
02:40:55.000 I fell asleep, like, you know, like, college, like, after making out, but, like, you're still, like, cuddling?
02:41:01.000 And I start snoring. 1.00
02:41:03.000 And she was like, fuck this shit. 1.00
02:41:05.000 We thought, like, you know. 1.00
02:41:07.000 I've had them snore.
02:41:13.000 How much time do we have left?
02:41:14.000 What is this bet?
02:41:15.000 What is this bet?
02:41:16.000 Yeah, we gotta do the bet.
02:41:17.000 We gotta do this, man.
02:41:18.000 And you gotta tell them to come over.
02:41:19.000 It's definitely sober.
02:41:20.000 Sober for October.
02:41:23.000 That means not drunk, not drinking.
02:41:24.000 Dude, that's sober. 1.00
02:41:26.000 That's catchy as fuck. 1.00
02:41:27.000 That's catchy as fuck. 1.00
02:41:28.000 I did not do it on purpose. 0.99
02:41:29.000 Sober for October.
02:41:30.000 Oh, that is great.
02:41:31.000 That's perfect.
02:41:32.000 I like it.
02:41:32.000 That's perfect.
02:41:33.000 That's what I just said.
02:41:34.000 I came up with it.
02:41:34.000 Alright.
02:41:35.000 Yeah, but it really sounds like a t-shirt.
02:41:39.000 Yeah.
02:41:39.000 Sober in October.
02:41:40.000 I'm sure it's already been bought.
02:41:41.000 No, you guys need to make a t-shirt.
02:41:43.000 Sober in October.
02:41:44.000 Sober in October.
02:41:45.000 Sell it at yourmomshouse.com.
02:41:46.000 I would never wear that t-shirt.
02:41:47.000 Since he's the one who didn't come up with it.
02:41:49.000 I'll sell it.
02:41:50.000 Put it on your podcast.
02:41:51.000 I'm better at it.
02:41:52.000 I'll sell it.
02:41:52.000 Can you have Sober in October with an outline of that picture of Bert with the obese lying there?
02:41:58.000 That outline of him.
02:42:00.000 Oh, that's so rude.
02:42:00.000 Sober in October.
02:42:01.000 Sell it to Bert, Bert, Bert.
02:42:03.000 What is this?
02:42:04.000 Is that a website?
02:42:06.000 There's Sober for October?
02:42:07.000 I'm sure there is.
02:42:08.000 Jesus Christ.
02:42:09.000 How about October?
02:42:09.000 How about October?
02:42:10.000 Goddammit. 0.98
02:42:11.000 These guys are like...
02:42:11.000 They're good.
02:42:12.000 Let's just add to them.
02:42:13.000 Whatever.
02:42:14.000 Raise money for cancer support? 1.00
02:42:16.000 No, fuck them. 1.00
02:42:17.000 Or... 1.00
02:42:17.000 Get drunk and party. 1.00
02:42:20.000 What the fuck's wrong with you? 1.00
02:42:21.000 How about we do Burt Sober in October. 1.00
02:42:25.000 No one's got that.
02:42:26.000 No, listen, you can have a t-shirt that says Sober for October.
02:42:29.000 I'm sure they don't have a copyright on that phrase.
02:42:32.000 They're available right now at MomsHouse.com.
02:42:34.000 If they have a website, and that's what they do, they actually might get a copyright.
02:42:36.000 Go to ThompsonGore.com.
02:42:38.000 You can get those shirts.
02:42:38.000 Of course.
02:42:39.000 That's why they get websites.
02:42:40.000 No one gets a website.
02:42:41.000 I had to buy a bunch of stuff.
02:42:44.000 Do you know that somebody made, like, not at our prompting, made burntchrysler.com?
02:42:49.000 No way.
02:42:51.000 Once we just said it, it's already out there.
02:42:52.000 It's not good either.
02:42:54.000 Someone do not get...
02:42:55.000 Really?
02:42:56.000 Give the guy a little slack.
02:42:57.000 He's probably not a professional.
02:42:58.000 No, no.
02:42:58.000 I mean, it's not good for burnt.
02:43:00.000 Yeah, the guy did a great job.
02:43:02.000 Old burnt here gets roasted.
02:43:05.000 And they're all fatter than me.
02:43:06.000 I know.
02:43:07.000 You meet them, right?
02:43:07.000 Yeah, I meet them.
02:43:09.000 Hold on, Joe.
02:43:09.000 They're all fatter than me.
02:43:12.000 And you see their moms, and their moms are fucking obese. 1.00
02:43:17.000 Like, 400 pounds. 1.00
02:43:18.000 And they're like, yeah, you're a fat fuck. 1.00
02:43:20.000 And you were like, at the time, you were like, I'm in the same category as you, medically. 1.00
02:43:23.000 Medically, yeah.
02:43:24.000 Medically, I was. 1.00
02:43:25.000 Did you ever consider the possibility that those people are like tests given to you by the universe to see if you can navigate the waters of stupidity without... 1.00
02:43:34.000 Barely getting wet. 1.00
02:43:35.000 You can't get that bad.
02:43:36.000 Just skirt around them with like a keto, like an old Steven Seagal demonstration video.
02:43:41.000 I wish.
02:43:41.000 Move.
02:43:42.000 Just glide. 1.00
02:43:43.000 I don't like competition, so I just go, yeah, I'm a fat fuck. 1.00
02:43:46.000 Just glide past those people. 1.00
02:43:47.000 No, you're better now.
02:43:49.000 I think if we weighed you, and we will at Tom's, you'll be less than you were during the weigh-in challenge.
02:43:52.000 I drank a lot of Tito's and soda.
02:43:55.000 Okay, you gotta piss a few times.
02:43:56.000 Sober in October.
02:43:57.000 Bert's sober in October.
02:43:58.000 We'll get that tight.
02:43:59.000 Jamie, will you buy that real quick?
02:44:00.000 Bert's sober in October.
02:44:01.000 It's over.
02:44:02.000 Someone got it.
02:44:02.000 So wait, wait.
02:44:03.000 Whoever just bought it, send it to me and Tom.
02:44:05.000 You go sober for October.
02:44:06.000 No pills, no anything.
02:44:07.000 Step charcoal pills if you need them, which you will.
02:44:09.000 Yeah, DTs are serious.
02:44:11.000 And your doctor's note.
02:44:12.000 We need a doctor's note.
02:44:14.000 We need to know a real number, like how many drinks you drink a day.
02:44:17.000 We never got to that.
02:44:18.000 Wait, wait.
02:44:18.000 What's the physical on top of this, though?
02:44:20.000 He's dead.
02:44:21.000 Four shots of vodka.
02:44:26.000 And then when you land, you get more?
02:44:27.000 How many drinks do you have on a normal day?
02:44:30.000 Today's what?
02:44:31.000 Monday.
02:44:32.000 A normal Monday.
02:44:33.000 Today's not normal.
02:44:34.000 I'll tell you right now.
02:44:35.000 It's Labor Day.
02:44:36.000 Right.
02:44:37.000 You're going to get drunk.
02:44:38.000 I know that if I smoke weed, my alcohol intake disappears entirely and I start slowing down.
02:44:43.000 Hence, a three-hour conversation.
02:44:44.000 I've only had that.
02:44:45.000 That's not a lot.
02:44:46.000 That's not a lot.
02:44:47.000 And a few sips of your scotch, but I didn't like it.
02:44:49.000 So I went back to this.
02:44:50.000 What?
02:44:51.000 I don't like scotch.
02:44:52.000 It reminds me of medicine. 0.99
02:44:53.000 So fucking rude. 0.98
02:44:55.000 And so I know that if I go to Tommy's, I'm going to loosen up. 0.99
02:44:58.000 And we're going to throw on Speedos.
02:45:00.000 We're all getting in the pool.
02:45:01.000 And then I wouldn't be shocked if I killed this whole bottle today, in one day.
02:45:06.000 I don't think anyone would be shocked. 0.76
02:45:08.000 Alright, what else?
02:45:09.000 I don't know.
02:45:12.000 Shocked is not a thing that came up in that conversation.
02:45:14.000 And so what I'll do is I'll wean myself.
02:45:17.000 I will wean myself from booze.
02:45:19.000 But you never give us a number.
02:45:20.000 Yeah, yeah.
02:45:21.000 How many a day?
02:45:22.000 Oh, yeah.
02:45:22.000 How many drinks a day?
02:45:23.000 How many drinks is that?
02:45:24.000 How many drinks?
02:45:25.000 If you were at a bar and you were at a single drink, you know how many out.
02:45:28.000 How many drinks is that?
02:45:29.000 I get double Tito's of soda in the tall glass.
02:45:32.000 How many?
02:45:33.000 What do you mean?
02:45:34.000 The number of drinks.
02:45:35.000 If you're hanging out at a bar, let's say you're at a bar.
02:45:38.000 Double Tito's is two drinks.
02:45:39.000 I'm not playing dumb. 0.75
02:45:40.000 I'm not playing dumb. 0.58
02:45:40.000 I'm afraid to be honest. 0.58
02:45:42.000 Be honest.
02:45:42.000 Be honest.
02:45:43.000 We won't make fun of you.
02:45:46.000 Probably get like six.
02:45:49.000 Would definitely be like a very comfortable number.
02:45:51.000 What do you mean?
02:45:52.000 What do you mean comfortable?
02:45:52.000 Six doubles.
02:45:53.000 Six doubles.
02:45:54.000 Six doubles.
02:45:56.000 And a bartender's poor. 1.00
02:45:58.000 Comfortable number?
02:45:59.000 You mean like, that's, you know, whatever.
02:46:00.000 That's me not lying.
02:46:01.000 And are you hammered at the end of that?
02:46:03.000 Yeah.
02:46:03.000 But by the way, now, if I drink...
02:46:06.000 Wow!
02:46:07.000 Hold on, slow down.
02:46:08.000 If I drink at, say, where did I just have weed?
02:46:13.000 Wherever I just have weed, in Arizona, or Denver, I would have two, smoke weed, and then I have two more and I go to bed.
02:46:25.000 Okay.
02:46:26.000 So four.
02:46:26.000 Still a lot.
02:46:28.000 Still a lot.
02:46:28.000 Still like, hey, I'm partying tonight.
02:46:30.000 By the way, Stanhope, I mean, I'm trying to be as honest with you guys.
02:46:35.000 Here comes Bert, pushing Stanhope.
02:46:36.000 No.
02:46:37.000 Oh, he's under the bus.
02:46:38.000 No.
02:46:40.000 I'm super honest with you guys.
02:46:41.000 I'm being honest.
02:46:42.000 But when talking to Stan Hope, I do this...
02:46:44.000 We did this in a podcast?
02:46:46.000 Yeah.
02:46:46.000 And Stan Hope and I were super honest about her alcohol intake.
02:46:50.000 Yeah?
02:46:50.000 And what'd he say?
02:46:52.000 I don't know.
02:46:53.000 I don't remember.
02:46:53.000 We were drunk.
02:46:55.000 It was super important.
02:46:56.000 I forgot immediately.
02:46:57.000 Stanhope.
02:46:58.000 Well, I'll tell you what.
02:46:58.000 One of the most beautiful things that Stanhope and I said is people go, oh, yeah, I quit drinking.
02:47:03.000 I like getting a good night's sleep.
02:47:05.000 And I was told Stanhope. 0.95
02:47:07.000 He's like, isn't that ridiculous? 0.93
02:47:08.000 I go, yeah. 0.83
02:47:09.000 I want to quit drinking so I can use chopsticks in the morning.
02:47:12.000 Like, eating sushi, sashimi in the morning at 11 a.m.
02:47:17.000 after you've partied hard.
02:47:19.000 It's not doable.
02:47:21.000 Yeah, it's a little bit of a struggle, but I'd definitely say it would be doable.
02:47:25.000 What are you doing to your hands? 0.99
02:47:27.000 Trying to operate fucking chopsticks. 1.00
02:47:30.000 I've had the shakes. 1.00
02:47:31.000 There's no question you have a problem.
02:47:33.000 But what the question now is, what the bet's going to be, and how we can have fun moving forward.
02:47:36.000 Let's ask him if he thinks that's a true statement.
02:47:39.000 Is that a true statement?
02:47:40.000 Yeah.
02:47:41.000 Legit, right now, right now, I'm...
02:47:44.000 We've talked about this a bunch, but I'm pushing myself way too hard than I have the capability to do.
02:47:48.000 Okay, this is what I think we should do.
02:47:50.000 What I think we should do, in all earnestness, it's like we haven't even...
02:47:54.000 We're in September, right?
02:47:55.000 What is September 4th today?
02:47:58.000 Okay.
02:47:59.000 Why don't we give ourselves a week, and we can do this again, and sit down and see what you think.
02:48:08.000 About whether or not you could wean yourself off slowly or whether you even want to do it.
02:48:12.000 I do, I do.
02:48:14.000 And by the way, I can.
02:48:15.000 But I really want you to think about it.
02:48:18.000 Because I think you could either decide to not and just live your life the way you're living, which is obviously very successful.
02:48:25.000 People love to see you party with them.
02:48:27.000 I mean, it's a big part of the fun that you're having, you're enjoying with your stand-up comedy career.
02:48:33.000 But legitimately, as friends, when you see someone who's taking in that much alcohol, you start getting nervous.
02:48:39.000 And you start getting like, okay, how long can you do that?
02:48:44.000 That's tricky.
02:48:45.000 That's super dangerous.
02:48:46.000 It's not dangerous.
02:48:47.000 It really isn't.
02:48:49.000 Bird, it's dangerous to have 12 drinks a day.
02:48:52.000 Hold on, but I'm... 0.98
02:48:53.000 Oh, man, this is why I don't want to fucking be honest. 0.79
02:48:56.000 No, no, [... 0.98
02:48:57.000 You're taking the fun out of it.
02:48:58.000 Listen, I'm sorry.
02:48:58.000 No, I'm not taking the fun out of it, but I'm saying that if you do that all the time...
02:49:01.000 This is turning into an intervention. 0.99
02:49:02.000 This is turning into the sad shit you're talking about. 0.99
02:49:04.000 I don't want to. 0.99
02:49:04.000 I'm just being honest. 0.99
02:49:05.000 I'm being honest about that number.
02:49:06.000 No, but one thing that you have to admit is a fair thing is you do see that...
02:49:13.000 Let's say if you're examining...
02:49:15.000 Let's say your last week.
02:49:16.000 You realize that that pace could not continue forever.
02:49:21.000 100%.
02:49:21.000 That's also no one in this room could keep up with you.
02:49:24.000 No one could keep up with you.
02:49:25.000 I tried once.
02:49:27.000 There's no way.
02:49:28.000 I took two naps last time I met with you.
02:49:30.000 I can't even come close to keeping up with you.
02:49:32.000 We talk about it all the time. 0.99
02:49:33.000 Like, how the fuck does he do it? 0.97
02:49:35.000 But this is the opposite of what I wanted out of this. 1.00
02:49:38.000 I think this turns into like, people go, oh shit, he's really got a problem. 0.99
02:49:44.000 No, no, no. 1.00
02:49:44.000 But no, that's what it's turning into. 1.00
02:49:45.000 Listen to me, Joe.
02:49:47.000 I think you're overreacting.
02:49:48.000 What I'm saying is you could live your life the way you're living it right now.
02:49:52.000 And you're obviously enjoying yourself.
02:49:53.000 Or, I don't know if you think you have a problem or if you feel like you have a problem.
02:49:57.000 And I don't want to make any judgment whatsoever.
02:49:59.000 I literally want you to act...
02:50:02.000 The way you feel. 0.99
02:50:03.000 Because you could Hunter S. Thompson this thing right into the grave and a lot of people have done it and they probably had a better life than people that have lived sober and regretful and deep and melancholy states of mind until, you know, their fucking body shuts down. 0.98
02:50:19.000 I don't know what's better. 0.85
02:50:21.000 I don't know if a short life filled with partying is better than a long life of meditating and wearing an orange robe.
02:50:27.000 I mean, there's a real good argument that it's not.
02:50:28.000 There's a real good argument that the party life is a better life.
02:50:31.000 But what I think about any type of situation like this is I don't want to...
02:50:37.000 Change the way you think. 0.99
02:50:39.000 I want you to do whatever the fuck you want to do. 1.00
02:50:41.000 That's why I said to Ari in the car, I was like, I can't do 90 days. 1.00
02:50:45.000 It's not the way my brain operates.
02:50:47.000 It's not the way my brain operates because...
02:50:49.000 Do you think though, but I'm sorry to interrupt you, but this is really important.
02:50:52.000 Do you think that it's possible that once you got into it, and once you were in 20 days deep and you realized you can feel better every day...
02:50:59.000 Yeah, I bet you keep going at that point, right?
02:51:01.000 You could.
02:51:02.000 I think the hardest part, Bert, is going to get out of the first 10 to 15. I'm not a fucking doctor. 0.99
02:51:07.000 I don't know what it's like when people have withdrawal from alcohol. 0.99
02:51:10.000 You're 100% right.
02:51:11.000 The hardest part...
02:51:12.000 15 days or so, right?
02:51:13.000 The hardest part will be Sunday morning in the D.C. airport.
02:51:16.000 That'll be the hardest part.
02:51:17.000 And by the way, by the way...
02:51:19.000 I've definitely done this. 0.99
02:51:21.000 I've definitely not drank for fucking five days. 0.97
02:51:24.000 It's totally doable, and I'm not going to die. 0.99
02:51:27.000 That's the other thing.
02:51:28.000 We're a little worried about you and your body freaking out.
02:51:31.000 You have to admit that the concern for that, I don't think you're going to die, but having the thought like, hey, my friend who drinks like 80 drinks a day is going to stop drinking.
02:51:40.000 Yeah, you're right.
02:51:41.000 As a friend, you go like, is that a safe thing to do?
02:51:43.000 No, no, no.
02:51:44.000 Honestly, I don't think you got the shakes.
02:51:45.000 I think you'll just drink again. 0.98
02:51:47.000 Because there's no way he could do fucking 30 days. 0.99
02:51:49.000 No, no, no. 0.98
02:51:50.000 This is what I think.
02:51:50.000 I think that if he can get past a certain number of hours, the longer you can get past this, there's like...
02:51:57.000 Six hours.
02:51:58.000 No, this is really what it's like.
02:51:59.000 Listen, man.
02:52:00.000 This is really what it's like.
02:52:02.000 It's like gravity.
02:52:03.000 It's like when you're closer to the planet Earth, there's a lot more gravity, and you've got to get further and further and further, and once you do, you can be free.
02:52:10.000 Oh, I see what you're saying.
02:52:11.000 You have to get away from the gravity of alcoholism.
02:52:14.000 You are right.
02:52:15.000 Because you're clearly wrapped up in it.
02:52:17.000 I wouldn't say alcoholism because I don't...
02:52:19.000 Only because when you're real...
02:52:21.000 Okay, let's call it Moomajumba Babu.
02:52:23.000 You've got to get away from Moomajumba Babu and figure out a way to not need alcohol every day. 1.00
02:52:29.000 I don't know what the fuck you want to call it. 0.99
02:52:30.000 I think you can do this. 0.99
02:52:31.000 I think you can do it.
02:52:33.000 But I think it's a good challenge.
02:52:35.000 We're down to 60 days completely.
02:52:36.000 30 days.
02:52:38.000 31 days.
02:52:39.000 75 days are bust.
02:52:41.000 Here's the deal.
02:52:41.000 Just keep it rocking in the free world.
02:52:43.000 No, Burt...
02:52:44.000 Okay, if you can do October, we're going to do...
02:52:46.000 It's Sober Berber.
02:52:48.000 We're Sober October November.
02:52:50.000 Sober Berber.
02:52:51.000 So, are you participating?
02:52:53.000 Like, are you doing it at the same time?
02:52:54.000 No, you won't do it.
02:52:54.000 I don't have a problem.
02:52:55.000 I enjoy drinking once in a while.
02:52:57.000 Because that's what alcoholics say.
02:52:58.000 Go ahead, keep saying it.
02:52:59.000 Weird.
02:52:59.000 I like getting drunk.
02:53:00.000 But is that how you make it, you know, or is it...
02:53:03.000 I'll do it.
02:53:04.000 It'll be unenjoyable for me.
02:53:05.000 It's going to be unenjoyable for me.
02:53:07.000 Listen, I'll do it.
02:53:09.000 It's super easy, though.
02:53:10.000 Yeah, I'll do it.
02:53:10.000 I could easily do it.
02:53:11.000 Do you feel like we're picking on you?
02:53:13.000 Because that's what I really wanted to make sure we avoided.
02:53:15.000 It got serious for a second.
02:53:17.000 It got serious for a second.
02:53:18.000 I wanted to get the strongest amount of mocking of you possible without hurting your feelings.
02:53:22.000 That's what we're going for.
02:53:23.000 First of all, here's my...
02:53:24.000 Look. 1.00
02:53:26.000 Fuck. 1.00
02:53:27.000 Burt, Jamie, can you get more ice? 1.00
02:53:30.000 Everybody loves you.
02:53:31.000 I understand that.
02:53:32.000 I understand that, but that's not...
02:53:34.000 We both know...
02:53:34.000 If you need a shoulder to cry, I can put my t-shirt on.
02:53:36.000 Shut up. 1.00
02:53:37.000 We both know that when we did this fat shaming shit, it got out of control like this. 1.00
02:53:41.000 Out of control. 1.00
02:53:42.000 It got out of control?
02:53:42.000 Meaning, like, there was a point where we were like, hey, you know I like you, right?
02:53:46.000 Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
02:53:47.000 That's true.
02:53:47.000 And that's what Joe just said, and I... Need that.
02:53:50.000 I've had...
02:53:52.000 Real moments with every single one of you, and I know you're my friends.
02:53:55.000 I know that you don't talk behind my back. 0.99
02:53:57.000 All this shit that bad friends do, I know that. 1.00
02:53:59.000 Shut up, Tom. 1.00
02:54:00.000 But like, there is a part of me that goes like... 1.00
02:54:03.000 Especially if you do something stupid, we keep our mouths shut. 1.00
02:54:05.000 I have talked about you behind your back, but I don't know. 1.00
02:54:07.000 Fucking cunt. 1.00
02:54:10.000 No one ever talks about you. 1.00
02:54:12.000 You fucking assholes. 1.00
02:54:14.000 I don't know what you're talking about. 1.00
02:54:16.000 You know what, man?
02:54:17.000 If it gets to the point where we can't mock each other, I just don't want to be here.
02:54:21.000 Yeah.
02:54:22.000 It does totally openly mock.
02:54:23.000 Sometimes you're the guy being mocked, and you're like, hey, everyone likes me, right, guys?
02:54:28.000 I'm still fun.
02:54:29.000 We love you, dude.
02:54:29.000 We love you.
02:54:30.000 We love you.
02:54:33.000 You're the best, baddest, baddest guy ever.
02:54:42.000 If you stop drinking, you could lose 15, 20 more pounds.
02:54:45.000 That's the other thing.
02:54:45.000 If you really do this, man, you will really trim down.
02:54:48.000 It's going to be nuts.
02:54:50.000 Actually, it will ruin your brand.
02:54:52.000 Burt will win marathons.
02:54:54.000 He will win marathons.
02:54:56.000 Because he will weigh 148 pounds. 0.96
02:54:58.000 I said you will have your shirt off on stage and you'll have the shivers from being so fucking cold and thin. 0.74
02:55:04.000 It's going to be weird. 0.91
02:55:05.000 They're not going to be happy when you take your shirt off and you've got a six pack.
02:55:08.000 No.
02:55:08.000 You shred it and you've got lats.
02:55:10.000 And you do this, oh, I've got to stretch my back.
02:55:13.000 Hit him with that side lat. 1.00
02:55:14.000 Hit him with that side lat. 1.00
02:55:17.000 So my dad lives in Florida, which is down there! 0.70
02:55:22.000 45!
02:55:22.000 So wait, this sounds like, though, it's just a Burt challenge.
02:55:25.000 Is that what I mean?
02:55:26.000 No, we should all get in on something.
02:55:28.000 That's one of the reasons why I was saying, like, it's already 3.30.
02:55:31.000 Maybe we should, like, resume this again.
02:55:33.000 We have to figure this out today or it won't happen.
02:55:35.000 Yeah, resume it.
02:55:36.000 It'll happen.
02:55:36.000 It'll happen.
02:55:37.000 Is the challenge you can do this and then you have to fucking fake this In Shape challenge against us? 0.95
02:55:43.000 How about if I do this, I get to pick the next challenge. 0.98
02:55:47.000 Ew.
02:55:47.000 But you're not going to do American.
02:55:49.000 It was just like... 0.89
02:55:50.000 It was so gross the way you said it.
02:55:53.000 I know.
02:55:54.000 Yeah, dude. 1.00
02:55:54.000 I felt my butt getting fingered. 1.00
02:55:56.000 You said it like Garth Brooks because of his social media stuff. 0.99
02:55:59.000 Well, I got friends in low place.
02:56:02.000 I like that.
02:56:05.000 Is it out of brand?
02:56:13.000 No, you can get clean.
02:56:14.000 For me to get people to help me, back me in during this challenge.
02:56:20.000 Sure, they'll fail.
02:56:20.000 That'll make you fail, too.
02:56:22.000 Nutritionists or something?
02:56:23.000 No, like Stan Hope said he'd do it.
02:56:25.000 Oh, okay.
02:56:27.000 And Stan Hope's like, I'm in if you're in.
02:56:28.000 I'll do it.
02:56:29.000 Okay.
02:56:30.000 That'd be great for everybody.
02:56:31.000 Yeah, and get Stan Hope in it, too.
02:56:34.000 Okay.
02:56:34.000 If you want to get some balls, why don't you try to get Ron White?
02:56:37.000 He'll spit in your face. 1.00
02:56:39.000 Dude, I thought about that in the shower today. 0.55
02:56:42.000 I thought about that. 1.00
02:56:43.000 What the fuck did you just say to me? 1.00
02:56:47.000 I'm from Texas. 1.00
02:56:49.000 We'll just run away from you.
02:56:50.000 Sober October.
02:56:52.000 November also.
02:56:53.000 Sober October.
02:56:54.000 Sober October.
02:56:56.000 And then whoever can join in can join in if they want to.
02:56:59.000 It would be cool to run into guys like we do.
02:57:00.000 What do you think your percentages are?
02:57:02.000 Do you fail or succeed?
02:57:03.000 Of course he's going to say that. 0.99
02:57:05.000 That's a ridiculous number. 0.86
02:57:06.000 He's in great shape. 0.96
02:57:07.000 He can run a marathon easy. 0.98
02:57:09.000 That's a ridiculous number. 0.75
02:57:10.000 I sense a pattern. 0.96
02:57:12.000 What's the number? 0.97
02:57:12.000 100% is ridiculous. 0.97
02:57:13.000 There's no way. 0.95
02:57:14.000 Almost nothing is that.
02:57:15.000 Your favorite principal in high school dies, and he says in his will, I want you to drink one more drink for me. 0.98
02:57:21.000 But today, you're being ridiculous. 0.97
02:57:23.000 Let me ask you a question, Ari. 0.99
02:57:24.000 What are the odds that you can run one mile?
02:57:28.000 I can run a mile.
02:57:28.000 Oh, okay.
02:57:29.000 Oh, you sound like a bird bear.
02:57:31.000 Wait, what does that mean?
02:57:33.000 98%.
02:57:34.000 That's a good number.
02:57:35.000 That's a pretty reasonable number.
02:57:36.000 One mile.
02:57:37.000 It's so easy.
02:57:38.000 98%.
02:57:39.000 And we're taking natural disasters out of the equation.
02:57:41.000 No, we'll put that in.
02:57:42.000 That's why 98%.
02:57:43.000 Earthquakes, loss of family, animals, animal attacks. 0.99
02:57:47.000 Yeah, shit like that could happen. 0.99
02:57:48.000 You gonna drink? 0.99
02:57:49.000 I'm just talking about injuries.
02:57:50.000 One mile.
02:57:51.000 You can do one mile for most of the people.
02:57:53.000 I feel like I'm getting trolled right now.
02:57:54.000 You could twist your ankle 20 steps in and then you couldn't do it.
02:57:57.000 It could happen.
02:57:58.000 That's why 98%.
02:58:00.000 You get the feeling that's a strong number.
02:58:02.000 What?
02:58:02.000 What happened?
02:58:03.000 I can do it 98%.
02:58:05.000 That's a good number.
02:58:06.000 98 is a good number for running flat.
02:58:08.000 Now, when you're running hills, like Ari, that trail that you and I went down when we did that podcast together, that's not a 98%.
02:58:15.000 I think about that sometimes, like if I broke my ankle or something down there, how do I get out of that hill?
02:58:19.000 Maybe call for help, because that's an option.
02:58:21.000 There's no phone service down there.
02:58:23.000 I'm going to get a crawl out of there.
02:58:25.000 But I think I can crawl out of there pretty easy if I broke an ankle.
02:58:29.000 I think you're going to change your percentage again.
02:58:31.000 I think crawl out of there would be pretty hard.
02:58:33.000 I'll get out of there.
02:58:34.000 Oh, I'm getting out.
02:58:35.000 Okay, what's your percentage?
02:58:36.000 What's your legit percentage you could do sober for October?
02:58:39.000 Sober for October.
02:58:39.000 Sober for October.
02:58:40.000 What percentage?
02:58:42.000 Really think about it.
02:58:43.000 Okay.
02:58:44.000 Dad dying.
02:58:44.000 Sober for October.
02:58:46.000 I got it.
02:58:47.000 What's going on here, Bert?
02:58:48.000 50-50.
02:58:49.000 Top 50-50.
02:58:51.000 It's a flip of the coin.
02:58:52.000 It's a decision away.
02:58:53.000 By the way, I think you're wrong, but I think it's way more realistic than any of the other two numbers you've given.
02:58:57.000 What about Kundalini Yoga?
02:59:00.000 You ever hear of Kundalini Yoga?
02:59:01.000 Kundalini Yoga you supposedly could do a psychedelic experience with.
02:59:05.000 Oh, yeah.
02:59:05.000 No, no, no.
02:59:07.000 I'm a little bit of a teetotter.
02:59:08.000 No, this is what I'm saying.
02:59:11.000 Doing kundalini yoga, it gives you a trip.
02:59:14.000 Okay, I'll try it.
02:59:16.000 And you know Danny, one of Eddie Bravo's black belts.
02:59:18.000 Prokopos.
02:59:19.000 Yeah, prokopos.
02:59:20.000 Best of the Greeks. 1.00
02:59:21.000 Great motherfucker. 1.00
02:59:23.000 But he does it all the time. 1.00
02:59:24.000 Really?
02:59:25.000 Yeah, yeah.
02:59:25.000 He's like legit.
02:59:26.000 He's like a yogi.
02:59:28.000 And he says that kundalini gives you a complete total psychedelic state.
02:59:33.000 I've never tried it.
02:59:34.000 Wow.
02:59:34.000 We could all try it together.
02:59:36.000 That would count as one of the hot days?
02:59:37.000 Yeah.
02:59:38.000 What if we do this?
02:59:39.000 Okay.
02:59:39.000 What if we get someone to do...
02:59:40.000 Are you going to stick around here?
02:59:42.000 Are you going to just...
02:59:43.000 I'm not going to stick around here.
02:59:44.000 I'll be here in October. 1.00
02:59:44.000 Where are you going, bitch? 1.00
02:59:45.000 Where are you going? 1.00
02:59:46.000 Where are you going? 1.00
02:59:47.000 You went to fucking Asia for a month with no cell phone. 1.00
02:59:49.000 You can't hang around here for sober for October and do kundalini yoga with us. 1.00
02:59:54.000 I won't be here in October.
02:59:54.000 Let's see if we can get high.
02:59:56.000 Let's see if we can do it.
02:59:57.000 I'll do it.
02:59:57.000 Let's see if we can meet the aliens.
03:00:00.000 What I have heard from people that do it, if you do it long enough and correctly, you can have intense, full-blown, hallucinogenic, psychedelic experiences that rival mushrooms and DMT and all that shit. 0.90
03:00:13.000 Wait, long enough you mean enough times in a row or long enough in one time?
03:00:16.000 That's a good question.
03:00:17.000 I have zero experience in it.
03:00:20.000 This is purely anecdotal.
03:00:21.000 But there's too many people that I trust.
03:00:23.000 That have done this.
03:00:24.000 That had a good...
03:00:25.000 That have had psychedelic experiences.
03:00:26.000 Are we all gonna do sober and yoga?
03:00:29.000 We can do it.
03:00:30.000 I'm down.
03:00:31.000 I'll do it.
03:00:31.000 I'm down.
03:00:32.000 Hot yoga?
03:00:33.000 Come on.
03:00:34.000 Hold on one second.
03:00:34.000 Okay, when we say sober, are we talking weed?
03:00:42.000 Because I can get into that place.
03:00:44.000 I can get into that no weed place for a month.
03:00:46.000 I don't know.
03:00:46.000 Do you want to be there?
03:00:47.000 That's a weird place when I'm working.
03:00:48.000 It's weird.
03:00:49.000 I could do that.
03:00:50.000 I don't mind it.
03:00:51.000 On the cruise, I could do no weed.
03:00:53.000 It's not the cruise, are you?
03:00:54.000 You know what you have to do?
03:00:54.000 Oh, right, right, right.
03:00:55.000 October.
03:00:56.000 Intense cardio.
03:00:57.000 Intense cardio produces those same sort of weird euphoric feelings.
03:01:02.000 And you burn off the weed and start in your fat.
03:01:04.000 You burn it off.
03:01:04.000 A little bit.
03:01:05.000 A little bit of that.
03:01:06.000 What intense cardio does is gives you that after weed feeling.
03:01:09.000 You know the after weed feeling when you're super high and the tail end of it, you just feel great?
03:01:14.000 You want to just put weed in the bucket and we'll do weed? 0.80
03:01:17.000 Just in case.
03:01:18.000 I'm upset.
03:01:19.000 Okay, we should think about it.
03:01:20.000 We should definitely not do anything rash.
03:01:21.000 We should realize that Ari doesn't love us as much as he loves going to Vietnam and hanging out with people he doesn't even know.
03:01:27.000 Fifteen days of yoga, Ari? 0.99
03:01:28.000 Bitch, you don't have any dates scheduled. 1.00
03:01:29.000 Where are you going? 1.00
03:01:30.000 15 days of yoga, 31 days sober, all of October.
03:01:34.000 I can't be here for the whole October.
03:01:35.000 What are you going to do?
03:01:36.000 Why not?
03:01:36.000 What else are you going to do?
03:01:37.000 I'm going to go to Thailand again, you fuck. 1.00
03:01:39.000 No, I don't know. 1.00
03:01:39.000 I'm going to go to Vietnam. 1.00
03:01:40.000 Make my own rice. 0.96
03:01:43.000 I'm going to live off a backpack and sleep with weirdos. 0.95
03:01:45.000 Text them. 1.00
03:01:46.000 What the fuck, dude? 1.00
03:01:48.000 No, no. 1.00
03:01:48.000 Text the fam. 1.00
03:01:49.000 Who are you texting?
03:01:51.000 Sissues? 0.90
03:01:51.000 Yeah, my girls. 0.90
03:01:52.000 Problems?
03:01:53.000 You should head over, man.
03:01:54.000 Riders on the storm.
03:01:55.000 Yeah, it's 333. This means we're about...
03:01:58.000 No.
03:01:58.000 We've got to narrow this in.
03:02:01.000 We've got to keep going.
03:02:04.000 Okay.
03:02:05.000 Sober for October.
03:02:06.000 I'm just trying to think what this means.
03:02:07.000 This means no weed.
03:02:10.000 Okay, on one hand, I don't want to do the not weed.
03:02:12.000 On the other hand, I think if he does sober but also smokes weed, it's just going to be a stopgap to get him right back to drinking heavily again.
03:02:20.000 It's interesting.
03:02:21.000 Say that again. 0.71
03:02:21.000 Say that again. 0.71
03:02:22.000 That if you're allowed to smoke weed...
03:02:23.000 You'll just smoke a bunch of weed.
03:02:25.000 It's just going to propel you into drinking more as soon as you can.
03:02:26.000 Like, when I'm in a heavy pothead, I'm like, oh, there's no weed around, but I can just get drunk tonight.
03:02:30.000 Okay, that'll last me until tomorrow.
03:02:32.000 I'll tell you that, in all honesty, once again, I have a problem with teetotaling.
03:02:38.000 So if I don't drink, I actually won't do anything.
03:02:41.000 Okay.
03:02:41.000 Because I get a little obsessive compulsive.
03:02:43.000 But are you permitting weed in this?
03:02:44.000 What do you mean by teetotaling?
03:02:45.000 What do you mean by that?
03:02:47.000 No, teetotaling means I don't do anything.
03:02:49.000 Right.
03:02:50.000 Like, I become really strict about it.
03:02:52.000 Your problem means it happens.
03:02:54.000 Yeah, and a little bit.
03:02:55.000 If I smoke weed, I'll probably end up wanting a beer.
03:02:57.000 Well, let's let him express himself.
03:02:58.000 What do you mean, like, you have a problem with teetotaling?
03:03:00.000 I have a problem with teetotaling.
03:03:01.000 It's obsessive compulsiveness. 1.00
03:03:04.000 I get, like, seven days where I don't drink, and I go, fuck, dude. 0.99
03:03:08.000 I don't want to drink at all. 0.99
03:03:09.000 You mean a problem you have no problem with?
03:03:11.000 You can just hurry around solidly.
03:03:13.000 Not no problem because the problem becomes the first day of drinking again, I get obsessive about it and I can't have a drink because I go, man, you're doing so good. 1.00
03:03:21.000 Don't fucking drink. 0.98
03:03:21.000 It's almost the way, you know? 0.98
03:03:23.000 So like if I smoke, I just won't smoke weed.
03:03:25.000 That's just real.
03:03:26.000 But I don't care if you guys do.
03:03:27.000 You should smoke weed and do yoga.
03:03:29.000 There you go.
03:03:30.000 That's what you should do.
03:03:31.000 There you go.
03:03:33.000 But you'll say you'll smoke weed and then drink again.
03:03:35.000 I'll say smoke weed just because if I see you guys at the store and you guys have a joint, I'd want to smoke weed with you guys. 0.99
03:03:40.000 We should get together and do what the young kids would say, hella bong rips, and then go take some fucking yoga classes. 0.99
03:03:46.000 I would do that. 0.99
03:03:47.000 I'd do that.
03:03:47.000 We should film it.
03:03:48.000 Let's do it.
03:03:50.000 We should do it.
03:03:50.000 We'll get advice to get in on this.
03:03:52.000 I'd do that in a heartbeat.
03:03:53.000 15 yoga classes.
03:03:55.000 In 30 days.
03:03:56.000 Do it?
03:03:56.000 I'll do it.
03:03:57.000 I'm in.
03:03:58.000 Sober October.
03:03:59.000 15 yoga classes in 15 days.
03:04:01.000 And you can't go on the road?
03:04:02.000 You can get high as you want.
03:04:03.000 Yeah, you've got to do them on the road.
03:04:04.000 You'll do them on the road.
03:04:05.000 Yeah, 15 hot yoga classes.
03:04:07.000 But you can get high as you want, Kimo Sabe.
03:04:10.000 And they'll follow you to the road?
03:04:11.000 Whoever advice or whoever does it?
03:04:13.000 Dude, I'll, whatever, ankle braces, whatever you need.
03:04:15.000 Oh, scram cam, scram cam.
03:04:17.000 I'll be on the scram cam, that'll hold me accountable.
03:04:19.000 We move into a weird area if we don't trust each other.
03:04:23.000 By the way, I agree with you, but I don't trust Burt.
03:04:27.000 Are you serious?
03:04:28.000 No, no way.
03:04:28.000 We need proof.
03:04:29.000 There's no way.
03:04:30.000 It'd be too crazy to say, just trust me on this.
03:04:31.000 It'd be too crazy.
03:04:33.000 After, you know, him saying he's in great shape and he can run a marathon easy, I have no doubts that he'd be 100% unbiased and completely clean. 0.98
03:04:42.000 First of all, it would help relieve ideas when they fucking keep their body cams on. 1.00
03:04:48.000 I had a glass of red wine with dinner. 0.99
03:04:49.000 What's the big deal?
03:04:51.000 Okay, so scramcam.com.
03:04:53.000 I'll get a scramcam.
03:04:55.000 I don't want him to wear a scramcam.
03:04:57.000 I do, and I won't allow him not to.
03:04:59.000 I think it'd be a wonderful opportunity for Bert to come clean.
03:05:03.000 Just come clean with us.
03:05:04.000 I gotta pee.
03:05:05.000 Go pee, bro.
03:05:06.000 Scramcam.
03:05:07.000 Not that you're not coming clean, but that you're just...
03:05:12.000 There's not even a possibility.
03:05:14.000 I don't think there's a possibility that you would lie.
03:05:16.000 I wouldn't lie.
03:05:17.000 People would not trust you unless you had scram cam.
03:05:19.000 No, no, no.
03:05:19.000 This is a binary thing.
03:05:21.000 This is a one and zero thing.
03:05:22.000 This isn't like what Bert's talking about before, sort of like fun and exaggerations.
03:05:28.000 But when you're talking to like one or zero, did you yes or no drink?
03:05:32.000 Yeah, I'd trust you.
03:05:33.000 If I drank, I'd just start drinking again and let you guys know I don't mind losing a bet.
03:05:37.000 It'd be nice to have scram cam, though.
03:05:38.000 No, I don't need it.
03:05:39.000 I don't need it.
03:05:41.000 It's just for me and Tom and the fans then.
03:05:43.000 The fans probably would appreciate it if you would acquiesce.
03:05:46.000 I'll tell you what.
03:05:47.000 Here's my deal.
03:05:48.000 I'll make it with you guys.
03:05:49.000 If I do in Chicago or somewhere, if I go on the road and you want to scram cam me for a weekend, it could be a scram cam.
03:05:57.000 Which side of the bed do you sleep on?
03:05:59.000 Do you sleep on your stomach or back?
03:06:00.000 I sleep on my left side.
03:06:01.000 We want a camera.
03:06:02.000 Left side.
03:06:04.000 SoberOctober.com Did you get it?
03:06:06.000 Did you get it?
03:06:07.000 Yeah, buy it, buy it, buy it.
03:06:09.000 SoberOctober.com That's a great $12.99.
03:06:17.000 That's amazing.
03:06:18.000 Oh, I like this.
03:06:19.000 Why is the government getting involved? 1.00
03:06:20.000 The fucking government gets involved with everything, man. 1.00
03:06:24.000 SoberOctobert. 1.00
03:06:25.000 SoberOctobert.com.
03:06:26.000 That's great. 0.99
03:06:27.000 So do the fucking 31 days. 0.99
03:06:28.000 ScramCam, of course. 0.99
03:06:30.000 Yeah, you're doing ScramCam.
03:06:31.000 I'll do ScramCam if you need me to.
03:06:33.000 I will.
03:06:34.000 I do.
03:06:34.000 I'd like you to.
03:06:34.000 You pussies are shying away from the yoga part.
03:06:37.000 I want you guys to do 15 hot yoga classes. 0.99
03:06:39.000 Hot yoga classes, you can tag on that, or I don't know how I do that.
03:06:43.000 Tom, you have a lot to catch up on.
03:06:45.000 Yeah, what happened?
03:06:45.000 Okay, he's doing scram cam.
03:06:47.000 Is he right?
03:06:47.000 He should do scram cam?
03:06:48.000 Hot yoga.
03:06:48.000 Joe's saying no, but obviously he should.
03:06:50.000 Joe says no.
03:06:50.000 You're the deciding vote.
03:06:52.000 Scram cam or no scram cam?
03:06:53.000 Scram cam.
03:06:53.000 Thank you.
03:06:54.000 100%.
03:06:54.000 Thank you.
03:06:55.000 I thought you'd be on the fence.
03:06:56.000 Thank you.
03:06:57.000 I was playing good cop.
03:06:58.000 Or I played bad cop hard. 1.00
03:06:59.000 Good cop doesn't get fucking crime solved. 1.00
03:07:01.000 And then the fucking district attorney just came in. 1.00
03:07:03.000 Scram cam. 1.00
03:07:04.000 There was one time I had a tea I was in soda!
03:07:08.000 Scram cam.
03:07:08.000 Oh, and we've got to set up notifications for the three of us, so we'll all get a message.
03:07:12.000 Oh, yeah!
03:07:13.000 Be on the scram cam notification.
03:07:16.000 Like, hello, hello, hello!
03:07:18.000 Marijuana's acceptable during this? 1.00
03:07:20.000 Like I said, this is some shit that men and women do when they have role-playing games. 1.00
03:07:24.000 Like, one plays the detective, and the wife plays the lonely housewife. 1.00
03:07:29.000 Sure, be the nice guy. 1.00
03:07:29.000 I can't help drinking martinis, you fucking dick. 1.00
03:07:31.000 He should wear it before we start and just fucking get hammered. 1.00
03:07:35.000 Let's see what the scram cam does. 0.98
03:07:36.000 Yeah, we should test the scram cam.
03:07:38.000 We should test the scram cam.
03:07:39.000 Let's get it right now before you leave.
03:07:42.000 Hey, guys, Powerful Jamie coming up with Sober October.
03:07:45.000 Someone sent that to me.
03:07:46.000 I want to take full credit for that.
03:07:48.000 Powerful Jamie.
03:07:49.000 We got the website.
03:07:50.000 Sober October.
03:07:52.000 Sobert October?
03:07:53.000 No, Sober October. 0.99
03:07:54.000 No, you're confusing the fuck on everybody, bro. 0.99
03:07:58.000 Bro? 0.99
03:07:59.000 Go?
03:07:59.000 Still, go through tomsagurt.com for the shirts, though.
03:08:02.000 Go through tomsagurt.com.
03:08:05.000 Because Tom has nothing to do with it.
03:08:06.000 Don't go to BurtBurtBurt.com.
03:08:08.000 So Sober October.
03:08:10.000 Unless you're looking to buy tickets for all Burt's upcoming dates, you can get those at BurtBurtBurt.com.
03:08:14.000 Scramcam is tested September 31st.
03:08:17.000 Oh, where are you?
03:08:18.000 What?
03:08:18.000 At the DC Improv at that show.
03:08:20.000 You will watch me go for my...
03:08:21.000 September 1st. 0.91
03:08:22.000 You might die a...
03:08:22.000 You can't be September 31st.
03:08:24.000 That means you can't drunk that night.
03:08:25.000 September 31st.
03:08:26.000 September?
03:08:27.000 The day?
03:08:28.000 The day the bet starts.
03:08:31.000 It starts when he's already in D.C. No, no, I'm saying, but October 31st is the last day.
03:08:36.000 No, I said September.
03:08:37.000 September 31st.
03:08:39.000 Okay.
03:08:39.000 To October 1st.
03:08:40.000 Wait, but what happens to September 31st?
03:08:42.000 You've got to stop drinking by noon, probably.
03:08:43.000 You've got to stop drinking.
03:08:44.000 By noon.
03:08:45.000 Oh, you don't want to see what I registered at night going into?
03:08:49.000 Sober!
03:08:50.000 Okay.
03:08:51.000 October.
03:08:51.000 Okay.
03:08:52.000 All right.
03:08:52.000 Yeah, but so if he starts at midnight drunk...
03:08:55.000 That's not sober!
03:08:56.000 I wouldn't call that sober!
03:08:57.000 Good point.
03:08:58.000 That's a good point.
03:08:59.000 I mean, you've got to put it in a category.
03:09:00.000 Ari is 100% right.
03:09:01.000 You have to stop the 31st of September.
03:09:03.000 He's right.
03:09:03.000 I've got to stop the 30th.
03:09:04.000 The evening of the 30th, I stop drinking.
03:09:07.000 So technically, I have a full day of sobriety.
03:09:09.000 No, wait, wait, wait.
03:09:10.000 No, no, no.
03:09:10.000 There's only 30 days in September.
03:09:14.000 Ari, what I'm saying is, I need to stop a full day before October starts.
03:09:18.000 Yeah, that's the 29th.
03:09:20.000 So I start, you want me no booze.
03:09:22.000 So that's kind of 31 days.
03:09:24.000 Stop by noon.
03:09:25.000 Stop by noon.
03:09:25.000 Stop by noon at 1pm.
03:09:26.000 I don't drink in the day.
03:09:27.000 Great, then you're no problem.
03:09:28.000 I have drank in the day.
03:09:30.000 Wait a minute, isn't it the day and aren't we drinking?
03:09:32.000 Dude, we started at 12.45pm.
03:09:34.000 It's a Burt story.
03:09:35.000 It's the day and we're drinking.
03:09:37.000 You say you don't drink in the day.
03:09:38.000 This episode brought to you by Scramcam.
03:09:40.000 This episode brought to you by day drinking.
03:09:42.000 High risk offenders, it said.
03:09:44.000 This is the craziest thing you've ever said while two red plastic cups are in front of you.
03:09:50.000 I don't drink in the day.
03:09:51.000 While you drink in the day.
03:09:53.000 Don't you love the hyperbole of me?
03:09:55.000 I speak in hyperbole.
03:09:57.000 I see what you're doing.
03:09:57.000 That's beautiful.
03:09:58.000 I speak like whereby I can't fire.
03:10:00.000 You find me a way where you always win.
03:10:02.000 And that's a really important thing if you want to get by this drowning world of prosperity.
03:10:07.000 Alright, so it is 30 days, 31 days, whatever.
03:10:10.000 October, you're sober.
03:10:11.000 So I will enter October sober is what you're saying.
03:10:14.000 Yes.
03:10:15.000 And then what's the physical part?
03:10:17.000 The 15 yoga sessions?
03:10:18.000 The hot yoga sessions.
03:10:20.000 90 minutes.
03:10:21.000 90 minutes. 0.98
03:10:22.000 And then bullshit 60 minute classes. 0.98
03:10:24.000 I did hour 15. By the way, I'll be texting both you, and I don't mind for that first week hitting you guys up and finding one that we can all do together like a team.
03:10:32.000 Yeah, we should.
03:10:33.000 We'll go together.
03:10:33.000 Let me ask you a question.
03:10:34.000 Let me ask you a question about this hot yoga.
03:10:36.000 Yeah.
03:10:37.000 So you're saying, if it does get too hot, it enters a danger zone, I can just sit on the side, drink a lot of water.
03:10:42.000 Not on the side, you sit on your mat and drink a little water.
03:10:45.000 And drink a lot of water, but you don't have to leave.
03:10:46.000 Safely, you don't have to leave? 1.00
03:10:47.000 Don't be a pussy. 1.00
03:10:48.000 Okay, but come on, man. 1.00
03:10:49.000 Hang in there, and use a little bit of dehydration. 1.00
03:10:52.000 Are we adding that, like, if you leave, Yeah, you're a loser. 1.00
03:10:55.000 If you leave for three minutes, you're a loser. 1.00
03:10:57.000 If you leave, you lose. 0.99
03:10:58.000 You can't even give me three times to leave for four minutes each?
03:11:01.000 Here's the other thing.
03:11:03.000 So, wait, that's decided.
03:11:04.000 No, you can't leave. 1.00
03:11:04.000 Don't be a loser. 1.00
03:11:05.000 Not even a few times. 0.99
03:11:06.000 15?
03:11:07.000 You can't leave three times?
03:11:08.000 I started doing yoga very seriously two and a half years ago.
03:11:11.000 I have left class zero times.
03:11:14.000 Hang in there. 1.00
03:11:15.000 And don't be a bitch. 1.00
03:11:16.000 That's the only other thing we haven't talked about. 1.00
03:11:17.000 Wait, you gotta also say, how much water do I have to bring in there to do that safely?
03:11:21.000 We'll talk to you the day of our own.
03:11:23.000 A gallon.
03:11:24.000 A gallon of water.
03:11:26.000 You know what I do?
03:11:27.000 Honestly, I have one of those flasks.
03:11:29.000 I think they're called hydro flasks.
03:11:30.000 And it's giant.
03:11:31.000 That first day I'm just trying to sit in there. 0.99
03:11:33.000 It's really fat and wide, like an elephant dick. 0.99
03:11:35.000 And I fill it up with ice to the top of small ice cubes. 0.98
03:11:39.000 And then I fill it up with water.
03:11:40.000 So that the ice has a lot of room for water.
03:11:43.000 The water gets to there, and then when I'm in class, for that 90 minutes, I'm drinking the ice is cold water.
03:11:49.000 Every five or six poses or something like that, you take a break and have some water.
03:11:52.000 And by the end, you have no water left?
03:11:54.000 Pretty close.
03:11:55.000 Usually I just have a little bit of ice, so I've drank a whole 64-ounce thing in a 90-minute class.
03:12:00.000 It's hard to do, man.
03:12:01.000 But I think it's one of the...
03:12:02.000 90 minutes?
03:12:02.000 Not 60 minutes?
03:12:03.000 It's done in 90 minutes.
03:12:05.000 This is what I think.
03:12:05.000 I think it's real difficult for your mind.
03:12:06.000 I thought the standard was 60 minutes.
03:12:07.000 Henry Yoga said the standard was 60 minutes. 1.00
03:12:09.000 That guy's a pussy. 1.00
03:12:11.000 When you can get through it, if you can get through 15 of those in 30 days, I think you can fucking get through a lot of shit. 1.00
03:12:17.000 I think you'd surprise yourself. 0.98
03:12:19.000 I think you're totally right, and the amount of discipline you'll need on two fronts is great, but here's the other thing. 1.00
03:12:23.000 You're such a cunt. 1.00
03:12:24.000 No, no, no! 1.00
03:12:25.000 Here's the other thing.
03:12:28.000 The last one had real stakes.
03:12:32.000 What does that mean?
03:12:33.000 Well, there were stakes, man.
03:12:35.000 You lose your beard.
03:12:37.000 You had somebody welch on a bet.
03:12:40.000 I did not welch on a bet! 0.99
03:12:42.000 You know goddamn what I did not welch on a bet! 0.99
03:12:45.000 Hold on, hold on. 0.99
03:12:46.000 I have never welched on a bet in my life.
03:12:48.000 All I asked you for was BMI is a measurement of height and weight.
03:12:53.000 And I said, okay, you got the height.
03:12:55.000 He's clearly lying about his height. 1.00
03:12:57.000 So just fucking measure his height! 0.99
03:12:59.000 I'm 6'4, man. 1.00
03:13:00.000 And it turned out he was clearly lying!
03:13:02.000 There was no question he was lying!
03:13:04.000 We all knew that any time! 0.99
03:13:05.000 So ahead of time, we said he had to fucking measure his height! 0.99
03:13:08.000 Oh, and it turned out he's 96 feet tall! 0.99
03:13:10.000 Play a little 6'1!
03:13:11.000 And he was barely above FEMR! I'm not trying to say I'm lost in a bit! 0.97
03:13:16.000 I'm just trying to make an accurate measurement! 0.99
03:13:18.000 If you do an accurate measurement, I will fucking pay! 0.99
03:13:21.000 And then I fucking emailed him! 0.99
03:13:22.000 Listen to me, man. 1.00
03:13:24.000 I got an inferior Myanmar! 1.00
03:13:26.000 I said, I'm paying the bet, obviously!
03:13:28.000 The Anti-Defamation League is after you right now for enforcing negative stereotypes.
03:13:35.000 You told me I was a Welsh fan when I just asked for a measurement of height!
03:13:39.000 And when I got the measurement, he was clearly like, no apology!
03:13:43.000 No, oh, it turns out, oh, it was right to ask for this!
03:13:45.000 How many tweets did you get calling you a Welsh fan?
03:13:48.000 100!
03:13:52.000 Oh my god!
03:13:53.000 I've done everything! 0.92
03:13:55.000 I've got my nipple pierced! 1.00
03:13:56.000 I wore a diaper for days! 0.97
03:13:57.000 That's true.
03:13:58.000 I'm always not Welsh! 1.00
03:14:03.000 Oh, you're voice breaking like Kevin McCallister.
03:14:05.000 We're going.
03:14:07.000 All I know is I sent these boys to a basketball game.
03:14:11.000 Yes, you did it on your own!
03:14:12.000 You did that on your own!
03:14:13.000 I had nothing to do with that! 1.00
03:14:14.000 I was on a fucking plane and guitar when you guys were fucking eating pizza. 0.99
03:14:18.000 I was never going to well. 1.00
03:14:19.000 You went to Asia for four months to get out of a bed. 0.98
03:14:22.000 Oh.
03:14:24.000 Ari went on a walkabout across Asia.
03:14:27.000 Where you cannot reach him. 0.99
03:14:28.000 There's no fucking email. 0.99
03:14:30.000 I still had a guy in fucking some city somewhere. 0.99
03:14:34.000 He was like, so you can pay off that bet? 0.98
03:14:35.000 Really?
03:14:36.000 Yeah, I was recognized five times in almost four months.
03:14:38.000 He's probably a good American.
03:14:39.000 He's out there doing his duty.
03:14:41.000 Oh, God.
03:14:42.000 I had so many people. 0.99
03:14:43.000 Trying to slut shame you. 0.99
03:14:44.000 I had so many people shame you. 1.00
03:14:46.000 Like, to me.
03:14:47.000 Weren't they enjoyable to get?
03:14:48.000 Oh, man. 1.00
03:14:49.000 And also on the road, after shows, they'd be like, all right, we're going to pay for that shit. 0.99
03:14:52.000 Dude, I'd be on the road and I'd say something. 0.99
03:14:55.000 Why did you not tell people I emailed you and saying I was going to fucking pay off? 0.85
03:14:57.000 I texted you that day before I even left. 0.95
03:15:00.000 It wasn't the last text I said.
03:15:01.000 Oh my god, you barely passed!
03:15:03.000 5'11.7, you failed!
03:15:05.000 5'11.85 and you got it!
03:15:07.000 But it was fun to pile on you.
03:15:10.000 It was fun to pile on you. 0.94
03:15:12.000 Dude, honestly, I'm telling you for real now, the first 15 to 20 days I was out there, I was fucking angry at you guys for telling me I was a Welcher. 1.00
03:15:18.000 I was like, these motherfuckers. 0.99
03:15:20.000 I gotta fucking calm down, say I'm a Welcher. 1.00
03:15:22.000 I just want a goddamn measurement. 0.99
03:15:23.000 I don't feel like I said you were. 0.99
03:15:24.000 I tried to stay out of it.
03:15:25.000 I really don't.
03:15:26.000 I tried to say to have it too, but the fans wouldn't have it.
03:15:28.000 I liked them doing it, like when they did it.
03:15:31.000 Oh, I loved it.
03:15:31.000 I remember being somewhere, and then I was like, someone's like, Bert, you look skinny.
03:15:40.000 And someone goes, Tom is fat.
03:15:42.000 And I go, yeah.
03:15:43.000 I go, so for those of you who don't know, we had a bet going.
03:15:46.000 And then someone yelled, Ari's a Jew. 1.00
03:15:50.000 Maybe I should have told the story later.
03:15:51.000 What, what, Ari's a Jew? 0.79
03:15:53.000 Sorry, sorry. 1.00
03:15:56.000 You're such a cunt. 1.00
03:15:58.000 Listen, Boris, we're gonna be fine. 1.00
03:16:00.000 That was so great. 1.00
03:16:03.000 No one liked your fucking story? 1.00
03:16:05.000 Yeah, that story bombed as bad as the last one. 1.00
03:16:09.000 It was a check-drop story.
03:16:11.000 Did everyone, when you were trying to explain the Game of Thrones, does that bother you at all?
03:16:14.000 No.
03:16:15.000 By the way, I thought it was a very good story.
03:16:17.000 Did you stop thinking about it?
03:16:19.000 Have you blocked it out?
03:16:19.000 How bad it was?
03:16:20.000 No.
03:16:21.000 No, really, for real.
03:16:22.000 Tom, if you told a story like that, took center stage and told that story.
03:16:27.000 Was that worse than the Laugh Lounge?
03:16:29.000 How would you feel?
03:16:30.000 I mean, that would be my new worst story ever.
03:16:34.000 That would lower the standard.
03:16:36.000 What would you feel like about yourself?
03:16:38.000 Would you be like, did I have a seizure?
03:16:39.000 Like, what went wrong?
03:16:41.000 I'd be like, I drink too much, I'm super fat, my story's like...
03:16:44.000 Oh my god!
03:16:50.000 Oh my god!
03:16:51.000 Oh my god.
03:16:52.000 Boys, we're gonna be fine.
03:16:54.000 Everyone's gonna be fine.
03:16:55.000 15 yoga classes.
03:16:58.000 90 minutes long each.
03:16:59.000 What are the stakes?
03:17:00.000 What are the stakes?
03:17:00.000 Okay, there we go.
03:17:01.000 That's what we have to get to.
03:17:03.000 It started with you saying you could be in a marathon.
03:17:06.000 What if we do all these in my new studio?
03:17:08.000 All the yoga classes?
03:17:09.000 Yep, we can get in there.
03:17:11.000 I can't be here for a month of October.
03:17:12.000 You have to.
03:17:12.000 I'll pay you.
03:17:13.000 I'll pay you, too.
03:17:15.000 We'll pay you, like, TV money.
03:17:16.000 Don't pay him.
03:17:17.000 You make a lot of money. 1.00
03:17:18.000 Stick around, bitch. 1.00
03:17:19.000 I won't pay you. 1.00
03:17:19.000 What else are you doing? 1.00
03:17:20.000 What are you doing on the road?
03:17:21.000 What do you have to do?
03:17:22.000 I'm going to see my family in October.
03:17:23.000 What are you talking about seeing your family?
03:17:24.000 They just told you. 1.00
03:17:25.000 Just go to that fucking neighborhood with all the Hasidic. 1.00
03:17:28.000 Listen, that looks like your family? 1.00
03:17:30.000 Just hug random dudes.
03:17:31.000 Find one of those women that looks like their nose is a toe and talk to her. 1.00
03:17:35.000 Find one with... 1.00
03:17:36.000 Take a walk on a Saturday, you asshole. 1.00
03:17:38.000 Find one with thick yarn hanging off their belt. 1.00
03:17:40.000 You'll be a kin.
03:17:43.000 Just stay here with us.
03:17:45.000 Where's Antifa when you need them?
03:17:47.000 Stay here with us.
03:17:48.000 They're always there.
03:17:48.000 They're inside all of us.
03:17:49.000 I don't know if I can stay here.
03:17:50.000 Think how much fun it would be. 0.99
03:17:52.000 Why the fuck do you want to go to New York when it's October? 0.99
03:17:54.000 I have a life. 0.99
03:17:55.000 It's the best time of the year to be there, that's why. 1.00
03:17:57.000 Oh, shit. 0.99
03:17:58.000 Best time of the year. 1.00
03:17:59.000 Oh, the hot dogs are out there fucking right now. 0.99
03:18:02.000 Stop. 1.00
03:18:02.000 It's true. 1.00
03:18:04.000 It's true.
03:18:05.000 Just stay, dude.
03:18:06.000 Just stay.
03:18:08.000 You don't have gigs?
03:18:09.000 Listen to me.
03:18:11.000 I will rent you a house.
03:18:12.000 You go on Airbnb.
03:18:14.000 I will pay for your house rental.
03:18:16.000 I'll pay for a rental car.
03:18:17.000 I'll pay for a rental car for the entire month of October.
03:18:21.000 This is 100% free for you.
03:18:23.000 I will give you a food allowance, a daily food allowance.
03:18:26.000 Come on, man.
03:18:27.000 Ari, you're doing this.
03:18:28.000 Ari, do this.
03:18:29.000 It's not about that.
03:18:29.000 I have a life.
03:18:30.000 I need a start.
03:18:31.000 That's why I'm not going the road.
03:18:32.000 And I will pay you a significant amount of money for every podcast you do with me in that time period.
03:18:36.000 Ooh, I like this.
03:18:37.000 Come on, brother.
03:18:38.000 Let's have some fun.
03:18:39.000 Ari, do it. 0.68
03:18:40.000 This is what I want you to do.
03:18:41.000 This is the challenge I'm taking.
03:18:43.000 I want you to be...
03:18:44.000 But interesting.
03:18:44.000 This would be like you not seeing your family for a month.
03:18:47.000 All of us, we're going to do yoga together 15 times over 30 days.
03:18:52.000 No, Ari, that's not like that.
03:18:53.000 But we can't skimp.
03:18:53.000 My whole life's there.
03:18:54.000 We can't skimp place for a fucking month. 1.00
03:18:57.000 A chick you haven't fucked yet is your whole life, Ari. 1.00
03:18:59.000 All you got is pussy on the East Village. 1.00
03:19:01.000 Whoa, whoa. 1.00
03:19:03.000 You just called him out.
03:19:06.000 Hanging out with Big J Lewis.
03:19:08.000 I get it.
03:19:09.000 Sal.
03:19:10.000 Come on, man.
03:19:10.000 Come on, you're over here with us.
03:19:12.000 And all that's taken care of, and you're here.
03:19:15.000 Big J Lewis.
03:19:15.000 He's talking about Big J Oakerson.
03:19:16.000 He said Big J Lewis.
03:19:18.000 Big J and Lewis are two different people. 1.00
03:19:20.000 Oh, fuck both of you guys. 1.00
03:19:22.000 Big J Oakerson and Lewis Gomez. 1.00
03:19:25.000 You didn't say it like it was a different person.
03:19:27.000 You were like, Big J Lewis.
03:19:29.000 I said their names in repetition.
03:19:31.000 You just were off pace.
03:19:32.000 It's like if someone asked you for your phone over, it's 3-2-2-4-5-6-7.
03:19:35.000 There's two spots there.
03:19:36.000 Eight, nine.
03:19:37.000 Two spots. 0.99
03:19:38.000 Fucking, uh, there's quarters on the ground here. 0.98
03:19:41.000 There's a lot to do, man. 0.99
03:19:42.000 Dude, stay here.
03:19:43.000 Become a tailor.
03:19:44.000 Listen.
03:19:44.000 Yeah, make shoes.
03:19:45.000 We're thinking about kidnapping you anyway.
03:19:47.000 Learn how to stop.
03:19:48.000 I'm tired of you being on the other side of the planet.
03:19:53.000 It's annoying.
03:19:54.000 Stay over here, dude.
03:19:55.000 Stay over here for October.
03:19:56.000 We'll all be sober.
03:19:57.000 We'll all go to the yoga classes.
03:19:59.000 We'll get closer, and we'll get healthier, and we'll run a marathon or something.
03:20:02.000 You gotta stop pretending that the Comedy Store is the greatest place on the face of the earth.
03:20:06.000 I'm not pretending that I'm saying I want to be 3,000 miles away from that.
03:20:08.000 That's what I'm saying.
03:20:10.000 Why are you doing that?
03:20:10.000 Stop pretending it's not the greatest place in the world.
03:20:12.000 Oh, I get it.
03:20:12.000 You gotta be here, bro.
03:20:13.000 All of October, we'll work out some sort of financial arrangement.
03:20:17.000 I'll rent you a Corvette.
03:20:19.000 I have no interest in riding around the Corvette.
03:20:24.000 How about a black one, a sleek new one?
03:20:26.000 Oh, Ari. 0.96
03:20:28.000 If you get me a Honda Civic with GPS, that would help. 1.00
03:20:31.000 You're going to drive a Corvette like a goddamn American. 1.00
03:20:33.000 I don't want a Corvette. 1.00
03:20:33.000 It's so tacky. 1.00
03:20:35.000 I don't want that.
03:20:36.000 Force him to drive a Corvette.
03:20:37.000 You've never driven one.
03:20:38.000 You'll get past the tacky.
03:20:40.000 I would get on the highway to do that.
03:20:41.000 It'd be nice, but not every day.
03:20:43.000 It's so gross.
03:20:43.000 No way.
03:20:44.000 No way.
03:20:45.000 I'm not driving one of those.
03:20:46.000 That's a separate bet about you.
03:20:48.000 How about that Shelby Mustang?
03:20:50.000 You can put him in that.
03:20:52.000 No, no, no, no, no.
03:20:54.000 How about this?
03:20:55.000 What?
03:20:56.000 What about like... 0.99
03:20:57.000 If you give me a 67 Mustang to drive around in for a fucking month. 0.99
03:21:00.000 No, the brakes are terrible. 0.99
03:21:01.000 You'd want a resto mod.
03:21:02.000 It's a lot of complications.
03:21:04.000 What about...
03:21:05.000 Like if you're talking about like a new car.
03:21:07.000 A new car.
03:21:08.000 What about a BMW... What if I gotta go to London for a week?
03:21:12.000 Oh, yeah.
03:21:12.000 So it sits here.
03:21:13.000 And that's how life works.
03:21:15.000 When you're not here, it doesn't drive itself.
03:21:17.000 It's not like Herbie the Love Bug.
03:21:18.000 Right. 1.00
03:21:18.000 Fuck. 1.00
03:21:19.000 But I'm saying, what if I gotta go to London for a week for press? 1.00
03:21:21.000 I think I do.
03:21:22.000 That's fine.
03:21:23.000 What are you going for?
03:21:24.000 That's fine.
03:21:24.000 What are you going to London for?
03:21:25.000 Press.
03:21:26.000 Yeah, I gotta go to Chicago.
03:21:27.000 That's what I'm doing here.
03:21:27.000 For how many days?
03:21:29.000 It would probably be a week.
03:21:29.000 What are you doing for press in London?
03:21:31.000 What's going on in London? 0.98
03:21:32.000 I got to do a Netflix run of press for fucking London. 0.99
03:21:35.000 One in LA, one in New York, one in London. 0.97
03:21:36.000 What do you do?
03:21:37.000 Do radio over there or something?
03:21:39.000 A bunch of panel shows and radio and podcasts. 0.99
03:21:40.000 No shit. 0.99
03:21:41.000 Do that. 1.00
03:21:41.000 You got to do that. 1.00
03:21:42.000 You got to be sober.
03:21:43.000 Hey, look, you have stories.
03:21:44.000 You're going to arrive with stories, man.
03:21:46.000 And you're going to do sets out there as well?
03:21:48.000 Yeah, for sure.
03:21:49.000 Do you have things scheduled yet or no?
03:21:51.000 No.
03:21:52.000 So you're in.
03:21:53.000 You're in.
03:21:54.000 You're in.
03:21:55.000 So you're in.
03:21:56.000 So how many days is this you're talking about?
03:21:58.000 I don't know.
03:21:58.000 October?
03:21:58.000 And then go straight from here to the fucking Joker's cruise?
03:22:01.000 Me and you. 1.00
03:22:02.000 We're on the same flight.
03:22:02.000 I gotta go two days early.
03:22:03.000 The summer I gotta meet in New Orleans a couple days early.
03:22:05.000 No, no, no, no, no, no.
03:22:06.000 We're not gonna work this out in the next five minutes.
03:22:08.000 I'll buy your flight.
03:22:08.000 The two days before?
03:22:09.000 Nope.
03:22:10.000 Yeah, why not?
03:22:11.000 Two days before.
03:22:11.000 Because I can't miss Halloween.
03:22:12.000 Oh, maybe I can.
03:22:14.000 The kids are used to not having you around, Hurt.
03:22:17.000 Thanks, Ari.
03:22:18.000 Jesus Christ.
03:22:19.000 No, I'm just saying because he's a bad father.
03:22:20.000 Let's do it.
03:22:21.000 Oh, Jesus Christ.
03:22:23.000 I think you misunderstood me.
03:22:25.000 Did you text him yet?
03:22:26.000 I texted them.
03:22:27.000 I haven't been replying.
03:22:28.000 Okay, okay, okay.
03:22:29.000 I gotta stop this.
03:22:30.000 No, no, no.
03:22:31.000 Let's finish it off.
03:22:31.000 Four hours.
03:22:32.000 Let's finish it off, though.
03:22:33.000 Let's finish it off, Joe.
03:22:34.000 Four hours in.
03:22:34.000 Okay.
03:22:35.000 We're not going to hastily finish it off.
03:22:38.000 Sober October.
03:22:38.000 We're not going to hastily finish it off and then correct it.
03:22:40.000 Okay.
03:22:40.000 I think we should talk about this and I'll announce it on a future podcast.
03:22:43.000 No, no, no, no, no.
03:22:44.000 Whatever the decision is.
03:22:44.000 No, Joe, this is the one.
03:22:45.000 Let's talk it out.
03:22:45.000 This is the one.
03:22:46.000 Let's talk it out.
03:22:46.000 Okay.
03:22:47.000 Ready?
03:22:47.000 Okay.
03:22:48.000 Sober October.
03:22:48.000 Sober October.
03:22:49.000 Okay.
03:22:49.000 Ari October.
03:22:50.000 What's Ari October? 0.97
03:22:51.000 Stay here.
03:22:51.000 Ari's here.
03:22:52.000 I'll lean towards doing it if we can figure it out.
03:22:54.000 What color should the Corvette be?
03:22:55.000 Black. 0.93
03:22:56.000 I like black.
03:22:56.000 I like black.
03:22:57.000 Yellow!
03:22:58.000 Yellow!
03:23:00.000 That's personal pain to me.
03:23:01.000 Oh, this makes me excited.
03:23:03.000 And these are locked in.
03:23:03.000 These are locked in.
03:23:04.000 Yellow.
03:23:05.000 Yellow.
03:23:05.000 How about you driving a yellow Corvette?
03:23:07.000 Oh, fuck yeah, sorry. 1.00
03:23:08.000 Come on, bro. 1.00
03:23:09.000 If you can get me Tarantino's pussy wagon. 1.00
03:23:11.000 Okay, alright. 1.00
03:23:12.000 Does he have a pussy wagon? 1.00
03:23:13.000 Yeah. 0.99
03:23:13.000 The one from Kill Bill. 0.99
03:23:14.000 Should we hold hands while we do this?
03:23:16.000 So if we do that, if we do that, if someone doesn't do it, then what happens?
03:23:20.000 Twice in four hours.
03:23:21.000 If someone doesn't do it, that's the thing.
03:23:24.000 So then I have to fly home to meet my family for three days, then come back, and then go to London and whatever, but from here, face it here.
03:23:29.000 What are the stakes?
03:23:30.000 Steaks?
03:23:32.000 It's not money, right? 0.98
03:23:33.000 How about the loser has to throw a party for the other people in their honor and you have to do like ice sculptures and make it crazy and throw a crazy ass party. 1.00
03:23:46.000 I fucking hate you. 1.00
03:23:47.000 That's a great idea. 1.00
03:23:48.000 Why don't we do that?
03:23:49.000 What kind of ice sculptures? 0.99
03:23:50.000 All dicks, right? 1.00
03:23:51.000 All dicks and they're all pointed at Bert's mouth and they're shooting shit at Bert's mouth. 1.00
03:23:54.000 The ice sculptures are like Half-limp dicks that are dripping down on your face. 1.00
03:24:01.000 Those are all good suggestions.
03:24:02.000 Yeah, it takes longer for them to break off.
03:24:04.000 And they all go into Burt's mouth.
03:24:06.000 And then you, there's a picture of you with your eyes closed.
03:24:08.000 Why are you saying you?
03:24:10.000 I'm not using!
03:24:11.000 Yeah, if you're loving it, because if that can come out, if the artist is good enough to show how much you love it. 0.95
03:24:15.000 Wait, ice dicks. 0.97
03:24:16.000 What's the measurable variable for if everybody gets to? 1.00
03:24:22.000 Would you drown in ice dick? 0.95
03:24:24.000 No, no, no. 0.99
03:24:24.000 How do you win and lose, though? 0.99
03:24:26.000 So if we all do it, then you do the decathlon, then the loser of that?
03:24:29.000 Oh, okay.
03:24:30.000 So it carries over.
03:24:31.000 That's what we're deciding.
03:24:34.000 What he said before was, instead of marathon, what Tom said before was, He couldn't do 90 days.
03:24:41.000 But if he did do 90 days, then you could get the honor of challenging us to a marathon, which we would never...
03:24:47.000 No, no, no.
03:24:48.000 The winner announces the events for the decathlon for who's the best in shape.
03:24:54.000 That's good.
03:24:55.000 And the loser of the decathlon pays the winner of the decathlon the party.
03:25:01.000 Yeah.
03:25:02.000 There we go.
03:25:02.000 Yeah.
03:25:03.000 So here's what we're doing.
03:25:05.000 Okay.
03:25:05.000 30 days sober in October.
03:25:08.000 15...
03:25:08.000 15?
03:25:09.000 31 days sober in October.
03:25:11.000 Ari in October.
03:25:13.000 Yes?
03:25:13.000 Can the loser also have to shower the winner in good words and praise for a period of at least four minutes?
03:25:23.000 Interesting.
03:25:24.000 Maybe we should do the opposite.
03:25:25.000 Maybe the winners should shower the losers with praise to rebuild their self-esteem after this horrific defeat.
03:25:32.000 We've got to think of things to lift Bird up.
03:25:34.000 It would show, yeah, that's ultimately what we're about.
03:25:37.000 We need four or five people to lift Bird up at that point.
03:25:39.000 Because for sure, Bert's going to die off around 13 yoga classes in 6 or 7 days and no booze.
03:25:45.000 So once you fail, can we all just stop at that point?
03:25:47.000 Stop talking to me directly!
03:25:49.000 It's a competition we're all doing!
03:25:51.000 Who do you think at this table would have the hardest time quitting booze? 1.00
03:25:56.000 Bert.
03:25:56.000 Bert for sure.
03:25:57.000 Who do you think?
03:25:58.000 Booze?
03:25:58.000 I think probably Ari.
03:26:00.000 No way.
03:26:00.000 That's hilarious.
03:26:01.000 Especially in L.A. when I drank.
03:26:02.000 Ari didn't drink for the first like 15 years that I knew him. 0.99
03:26:05.000 I drink in New York because it's a New York fucking thing to do. 0.99
03:26:08.000 Yeah. 0.99
03:26:08.000 He barely drank in L.A. I'd give him a drink. 0.99
03:26:11.000 Can I change my answer?
03:26:12.000 In case I'd give him a shot.
03:26:13.000 He'd go.
03:26:14.000 Oh yeah.
03:26:15.000 I made him drink shots.
03:26:16.000 He's like disgusted.
03:26:17.000 What's wrong with you?
03:26:18.000 I was like, you gotta be free, Shafir.
03:26:20.000 Free!
03:26:20.000 So sober from alcohol in October.
03:26:22.000 Yeah.
03:26:23.000 No, who's going to have the hardest time?
03:26:25.000 It's obviously me.
03:26:27.000 That's nice.
03:26:28.000 That's beautiful.
03:26:28.000 Who's going to have the hardest time with the hot yoga?
03:26:30.000 Rogan will have the easiest time.
03:26:34.000 I enjoy yoga.
03:26:35.000 I'll probably have the hardest time because I get claustrophobia.
03:26:37.000 I never do it that much.
03:26:38.000 I never do it 15 days in 30 days.
03:26:41.000 I never do it.
03:26:42.000 The most I've ever done it ever is I think I did three times a week once.
03:26:46.000 I've done twice a week, multiple times.
03:26:49.000 Most of the time I do one time a week.
03:26:51.000 Okay, let me ask you a question.
03:26:52.000 If I pass out in one, people have to drag me out.
03:26:55.000 If they drag me out.
03:26:56.000 You lose if they drag you out of me.
03:26:58.000 You lose if they drag you out of me. 1.00
03:27:00.000 We piss in your mouth and then you don't have a party. 1.00
03:27:03.000 You lose. 1.00
03:27:04.000 If they drag you against your will, they take you out of there?
03:27:07.000 Okay, great.
03:27:08.000 I'm getting people to take you out.
03:27:09.000 I'm getting people against your will. 1.00
03:27:11.000 Cops, I'll tell them they're black. 1.00
03:27:14.000 Listen, all you have to do is when you get to... 0.98
03:27:16.000 It's really on Scout's honor.
03:27:19.000 When you get to an unmanageable state of heat and exhaustion, just lay down.
03:27:23.000 It's called Savasana.
03:27:24.000 You lay down flat and just chill out.
03:27:26.000 And then when you feel like you've recovered a little bit, then you get back up.
03:27:29.000 I do regular yoga.
03:27:30.000 Yeah.
03:27:31.000 Hot yoga is going to be a little bit difficult.
03:27:32.000 Hot yoga is pretty aggressive.
03:27:33.000 And yoga is 60 minutes.
03:27:34.000 Yeah, 90 minutes is better because it shows between 60 and 90. That's what separates the girls from the women. 1.00
03:27:40.000 I'm saying, okay, I'll be the women and the girl here.
03:27:44.000 I think Tom's going to have the hardest time with that yoga.
03:27:48.000 Tom's a power lifter.
03:27:49.000 He's not even like a cardio guy.
03:27:51.000 You don't even want three times with a five-minute break?
03:27:53.000 Three of the 15?
03:27:54.000 No breaks.
03:27:54.000 No breaks.
03:27:55.000 I'm signing up for the five-minute break.
03:27:58.000 That's a huge challenge! 0.99
03:27:59.000 No breaks, pussies. 1.00
03:28:00.000 Let it be a little challenging to you guys as well. 0.99
03:28:03.000 Health-wise?
03:28:04.000 I think that's super challenging.
03:28:06.000 Yeah.
03:28:06.000 I will quit drinking and do the yoga.
03:28:09.000 All you guys have to do is not drink.
03:28:12.000 Which is not a challenge.
03:28:14.000 Not a challenge.
03:28:15.000 And then do the yoga.
03:28:15.000 Which is a huge...
03:28:16.000 I think we might all fail on that.
03:28:18.000 Then what happens?
03:28:19.000 We're not going to all fail.
03:28:20.000 That's great.
03:28:20.000 Not even one time, take a five minute break?
03:28:22.000 I'm not convinced that I could do it, and I'm the one who does it all the time.
03:28:26.000 I'm saying we should be able to do it.
03:28:27.000 So three five minute breaks.
03:28:29.000 Three times only.
03:28:30.000 I can't believe you can break without leaving the room.
03:28:34.000 I can't believe you're arguing as much as this.
03:28:36.000 Alright, good point.
03:28:37.000 The harder challenge is me not drinking. 1.00
03:28:38.000 No breaks, bitch. 1.00
03:28:39.000 No, you'll for sure fail on that. 1.00
03:28:41.000 I'm thinking of myself.
03:28:42.000 And then the person who wins that challenge picks and gets to name the decathlon events.
03:28:49.000 We do the decathlon one day?
03:28:50.000 No, over many days.
03:28:51.000 But what would the decathlon be?
03:28:51.000 Like some sort of a physical event?
03:28:53.000 Yes. 1.00
03:28:53.000 Like what kind of shit? 1.00
03:28:53.000 It'd be like a one day event. 1.00
03:28:55.000 A bike race.
03:28:56.000 We could have like a high school track meet, basically.
03:28:58.000 So the benefit...
03:28:59.000 Yeah, go ahead.
03:29:00.000 Well, we set up...
03:29:01.000 The benefit of choosing is that you, let's say, you know, you're like, well, I'm the best sprinter or whatever, so we have to do this sprint.
03:29:09.000 I'm the best at this, whatever, pull-ups.
03:29:12.000 You'd be like, do we have to do pull-ups?
03:29:13.000 Like, you name the events.
03:29:14.000 Oh, no way.
03:29:15.000 If you win.
03:29:16.000 No way.
03:29:17.000 All the events?
03:29:18.000 The winner names all the events?
03:29:19.000 You would just name it all in your favor?
03:29:20.000 Yeah, obviously.
03:29:21.000 Hold on.
03:29:22.000 But that makes sense. 1.00
03:29:23.000 You're like, sucking dicks. 1.00
03:29:25.000 Sucking dicks. 1.00
03:29:27.000 You can dominate. 1.00
03:29:27.000 Eating a million fucking nachos. 1.00
03:29:29.000 Tom would be like farting in your mouth. 1.00
03:29:30.000 No, no, no. 0.77
03:29:31.000 It's all physical events.
03:29:32.000 It's a physical event.
03:29:33.000 We'd all have to have some say.
03:29:34.000 You have more say.
03:29:35.000 How about you have more say?
03:29:36.000 That makes sense.
03:29:37.000 Alright, what would you choose?
03:29:38.000 If you had the opportunity to create a gauntlet.
03:29:40.000 A gauntlet of difficult exercises.
03:29:43.000 I got it.
03:29:44.000 440?
03:29:48.000 A 100-yard dash.
03:29:49.000 How about 3, 3, 4?
03:29:51.000 So sprinting, a 440, a 100-yard dash.
03:29:54.000 A quarter mile, and then a 100-yard dash.
03:29:56.000 Okay, there's two running things.
03:29:58.000 Can I break in here and say that's a long distance from a marathon?
03:30:01.000 No, no, no, no, but that's where I think I'd excel. 1.00
03:30:04.000 That's where I think I'd excel, you asshole fucker. 1.00
03:30:17.000 I do an 800. I definitely do a mile. 1.00
03:30:21.000 All running stuff?
03:30:22.000 All running stuff? 1.00
03:30:23.000 No biking, no swimming, no fucking? 1.00
03:30:24.000 Hold on, hold on. 1.00
03:30:25.000 I get to pick the fucking marathon. 1.00
03:30:26.000 That's why I picked it. 1.00
03:30:27.000 But wait a minute.
03:30:28.000 So you think that you could win one of these things?
03:30:30.000 I could win a number of these things.
03:30:32.000 What things do you think you could win?
03:30:34.000 100-yard dash?
03:30:35.000 For real?
03:30:36.000 What?
03:30:36.000 You think you could win that?
03:30:37.000 No way!
03:30:37.000 You're out of your mind!
03:30:39.000 There is no way!
03:30:41.000 Only a twisted ankle.
03:30:44.000 You think?
03:30:44.000 Okay, I definitely got Tommy in this.
03:30:46.000 Right.
03:30:47.000 No.
03:30:47.000 Oh, he just said right!
03:30:49.000 No, I don't think you could.
03:30:50.000 I got you in a 100-yard dash.
03:30:51.000 No, no, no.
03:30:52.000 You think so?
03:30:53.000 No.
03:30:53.000 I think you could beat me in a mile, for sure.
03:30:55.000 I don't think you win a 100-yard dash.
03:30:56.000 In a mile?
03:30:56.000 I definitely beat you in a mile.
03:30:57.000 I beat you in an 800. You know that.
03:30:59.000 Where do you win on a sprint?
03:31:00.000 Off the blocks?
03:31:02.000 Yeah, I beat Tommy in a sprint.
03:31:04.000 A hundred percent.
03:31:04.000 I don't think so.
03:31:05.000 By the way, this is why the decathlon is going to be interesting because we all get to pick our events.
03:31:09.000 What we do is everyone who doesn't come in first place. 0.98
03:31:13.000 I have the opportunity to come in first place because I didn't drink for a whole month and I did the yoga.
03:31:17.000 Do you feel like you could beat him in a sprint?
03:31:19.000 For sure.
03:31:19.000 No question.
03:31:22.000 Here's where I should go.
03:31:22.000 Of course.
03:31:24.000 Of course.
03:31:25.000 If you win, you should get to pick two events.
03:31:29.000 Two events?
03:31:30.000 Listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen.
03:31:33.000 Let's say...
03:31:34.000 We all know he's going to be wrong, so hear him out.
03:31:35.000 Let's see.
03:31:36.000 Let's say it's five events. 1.00
03:31:38.000 It's a decathlon, cunt! 1.00
03:31:41.000 What are you, Bruce Jenner motherfucker? 1.00
03:31:43.000 If we call it a decathlon, do we have to do ten? 0.99
03:31:47.000 Well, if you're going to do a decathlon, it has to be four track and six field events, a total of ten events.
03:31:53.000 Competitions include 100-meter sprint, 110-meter hurdles, 400-meter event, 1,500-meter event, long jump, high jump, shot, discus throw, travel and throw, pole vault!
03:32:05.000 We don't want those.
03:32:06.000 We're not doing these decathlon events.
03:32:08.000 We meant decathlon in that, like, multi-event.
03:32:12.000 That's all we're saying.
03:32:13.000 Four-track.
03:32:14.000 Four-track.
03:32:14.000 Four-track.
03:32:15.000 What does that mean?
03:32:17.000 I want to give Tom an advantage.
03:32:19.000 Strongman stuff.
03:32:20.000 Strongman stuff.
03:32:21.000 Let's throw a kettlebell over a...
03:32:23.000 Oh, Jesus, come on. 0.81
03:32:24.000 Am I involved in this or not?
03:32:25.000 You are definitely involved.
03:32:27.000 You're going to set the bar.
03:32:28.000 Joe, all I want out of this is for me not to drink in October.
03:32:31.000 Me to do yoga with you.
03:32:32.000 We all hang out.
03:32:33.000 We all have a good time all throughout October.
03:32:35.000 Hold on, hold on.
03:32:36.000 Sorry, sorry, go ahead, sorry, go ahead.
03:32:38.000 And then we all...
03:32:39.000 You're gonna beat me in a hundred yard dash?
03:32:41.000 No way.
03:32:42.000 That seems super unlikely.
03:32:45.000 No, it's...
03:32:45.000 Hold on, hold on, stop, stop.
03:32:46.000 Special bonus points if you beat Rogan in any event.
03:32:50.000 I just, I'm a lot lighter than you, man.
03:33:02.000 I wouldn't be confident to say that I would beat you if you weren't so confident to say you'd beat everybody.
03:33:07.000 You know what I am?
03:33:09.000 I'm the Japanese guy walking out in pride in a dress.
03:33:12.000 But you're not.
03:33:13.000 You're Bert Kreischer.
03:33:15.000 And I'm 78 pounds lighter than you?
03:33:18.000 Are you 78 pounds lighter than me?
03:33:20.000 Yeah, he's at least 250. Yeah, so...
03:33:22.000 I'm not 250!
03:33:25.000 I'm being nice.
03:33:25.000 You're 350. How much do you weigh now?
03:33:28.000 271. 222. 222. Yep.
03:33:31.000 When I get up, I take a leak in the morning, and then I weigh myself.
03:33:34.000 I'm about 195. That's an advantage.
03:33:39.000 That's definitely a much lighter body.
03:33:41.000 I do have, like, when it comes to muscle twitch, I got that long strand.
03:33:45.000 Yeah, but you do.
03:33:45.000 I would like you to do that run I do with me one day.
03:33:48.000 Okay.
03:33:49.000 Yeah, that crazy.
03:33:50.000 But I run it.
03:33:51.000 Tell me when.
03:33:52.000 Tell them when, man.
03:33:53.000 By the way, I'd love to do it.
03:33:55.000 I'd love to do it.
03:33:55.000 It's fun to do, man.
03:33:56.000 Because I listened to that on the hike.
03:33:59.000 I listened to that on a plane.
03:34:00.000 I loved it.
03:34:01.000 And I was like, I know you guys smoked a joint before the uphill.
03:34:04.000 Nope.
03:34:04.000 Oh, before the uphill, yeah.
03:34:05.000 Yeah, we got down the basin.
03:34:07.000 And I was like, I would never be able to do that because I would definitely be huffing and puffing up and uphill.
03:34:11.000 No, honestly, man, it actually dilates your lungs.
03:34:15.000 I do cardio after I smoke weed all the time.
03:34:17.000 I can't do that.
03:34:18.000 You can go longer because you lose track of what you're doing.
03:34:20.000 You literally can go longer, yeah.
03:34:21.000 For real?
03:34:22.000 Yeah, but, you know, I think Jamie knows.
03:34:24.000 There's a lot of marathon runners that don't blaze, but they'll smoke a little bit before they run.
03:34:28.000 They're cool.
03:34:29.000 My thought on all of this is it would be nice if we all did something just like your weight loss challenge did, but I think the weight loss challenge, we might have missed the mark, quite honestly, with the idea that you guys could dehydrate yourself.
03:34:40.000 We didn't miss the mark because I said that's why they had to weigh in three straight days.
03:34:43.000 No, but I'm saying, yeah, but that's fine.
03:34:46.000 But listen, Ari, you're wrong, because that's super bad for your body. 0.97
03:34:49.000 That's like insanely bad for your body.
03:34:51.000 To be that dehydrated three days in a row.
03:34:52.000 But not drinking is not bad.
03:34:54.000 It's not nearly as bad as dehydrating yourself like that.
03:34:57.000 Drinking is normal.
03:34:58.000 Your body is normally processing alcohol if you drink on a normal basis.
03:35:02.000 Your liver processes that.
03:35:03.000 But when you dehydrate yourself like 15 pounds of water...
03:35:06.000 Or like a yoga class?
03:35:07.000 Your body's not firing right.
03:35:09.000 Yeah, you drink 64 ounces while you're in class. 1.00
03:35:12.000 I'm drinking a fucking half a gallon in the middle of the class. 0.98
03:35:16.000 I do think we... 0.99
03:35:17.000 What if you have to pee?
03:35:17.000 What if you have to pee?
03:35:18.000 Hold on.
03:35:18.000 What if you have to pee?
03:35:19.000 Hold on.
03:35:19.000 You gotta pee before you go.
03:35:20.000 Come on, dude.
03:35:21.000 You do definitely have to pee before you go.
03:35:22.000 No, stop.
03:35:23.000 Hold on.
03:35:23.000 The three of us...
03:35:25.000 I've peed twice in this podcast.
03:35:26.000 I don't want to pee again.
03:35:27.000 You've got to give me a chance to pee. 0.99
03:35:29.000 That's ridiculous. 0.97
03:35:29.000 I'll never make it. 0.97
03:35:30.000 I'll tell you now.
03:35:31.000 I'll never make it.
03:35:31.000 This is all mental.
03:35:33.000 Why would you not be able to do it if I can do it?
03:35:35.000 Of course you can do it.
03:35:36.000 Bladders are different sizes?
03:35:38.000 Nah.
03:35:39.000 That's one reason.
03:35:40.000 You can do it, man.
03:35:41.000 Hold on, you gotta let me pee. 0.94
03:35:42.000 If I run in, out, and come back in in under 50 seconds.
03:35:46.000 You can get 90 seconds.
03:35:48.000 Okay, here's better, better.
03:35:49.000 We're gonna do it.
03:35:49.000 We're gonna put plastic down.
03:35:51.000 We're gonna let you pee your pants. 0.99
03:35:53.000 Gotta hang in there. 0.97
03:35:54.000 If you give me a bottle in a corner where nobody can see it, I can do that. 0.99
03:35:57.000 But a corner, like a fucking... 1.00
03:35:59.000 Somewhere like a wet... 1.00
03:36:01.000 Like if they had that, the fucking room where you have the shit in. 1.00
03:36:03.000 This is his escape closet. 1.00
03:36:05.000 No, come on. 0.85
03:36:05.000 You gotta let me pee. 0.85
03:36:06.000 The peeing thing is interesting.
03:36:08.000 You can't do an hour and a half without peeing?
03:36:09.000 I might not.
03:36:10.000 Sometimes I can, and sometimes I really have to pee.
03:36:12.000 He's hedging his bed.
03:36:13.000 All you have to do is pee before you go into class, and you'll be so dehydrated while the class is going on.
03:36:18.000 You drink water.
03:36:19.000 You want You don't even have to pee.
03:36:20.000 Okay, if I don't have to pee, I won't go.
03:36:22.000 If we don't have to pee, I won't go.
03:36:23.000 I can take somebody with me to show, look, he's actually peeing.
03:36:26.000 Or you can just hold it in.
03:36:28.000 Just hold it.
03:36:29.000 You couldn't hold it for an hour and a half.
03:36:31.000 I'll try. 0.97
03:36:31.000 What if your life depended on you holding your piss for an hour and a half? 0.97
03:36:33.000 Dude, tell them how to go three times in an hour and a half. 0.97
03:36:35.000 I'm a Jew, man. 0.90
03:36:37.000 We pee. 0.86
03:36:37.000 Can the three of us get together? 0.86
03:36:39.000 Hold on. 0.97
03:36:40.000 I'm a Jew, we pee? 0.99
03:36:41.000 We Jews have small bladders. 1.00
03:36:43.000 What in the fuck? 1.00
03:36:44.000 That's a thing. 1.00
03:36:45.000 Is that a new stereotype?
03:36:47.000 No.
03:36:47.000 That is.
03:36:48.000 It's not a stereotype.
03:36:49.000 Oh my God.
03:36:51.000 I'm a Jew. 0.98
03:36:51.000 We pee. 0.98
03:36:52.000 I'm just saying, I'll try not to pee, but like, come on guys, if I really have to pee, what are you going to do?
03:36:57.000 At least you have confidence in yourself.
03:36:57.000 I'm not going to piss on my pants.
03:36:58.000 I'll tell you what, there's not a chance in the world that there's a way that I could have to pee so bad that I couldn't hold it in for an hour and a half.
03:37:05.000 I'll tell you what, if I pee before a podcast- I piss my pants at Batman.
03:37:08.000 The first Batman, I pissed my pants in the theater.
03:37:10.000 That's interesting.
03:37:12.000 Will you vow to pee before every class?
03:37:15.000 I'll vow to pee before every class.
03:37:16.000 But I'll have to drink a lot of water, too.
03:37:19.000 I'll drink a lot beforehand.
03:37:20.000 The odds of me not having to pee, now that I think about it, are crazy.
03:37:23.000 Do they have that much water?
03:37:24.000 After the first five classes, no more peeing.
03:37:27.000 No one leaving to pee.
03:37:29.000 That's fair.
03:37:30.000 You gotta find me a safe class where I can piss in the class. 1.00
03:37:34.000 If you find me a safe class while I'm here, if you give me safety, a safe space where I can piss in public and not have to fucking deal with torments... 1.00
03:37:43.000 Okay, no asparagus, motherfucker. 1.00
03:37:45.000 I'll try... 0.99
03:37:47.000 Can we please all get together to pick the car for him and set up a Corvette?
03:37:52.000 Can we set up being there while it's delivered?
03:37:55.000 Oh, what it must be like to have no taste.
03:37:57.000 Film that.
03:37:58.000 Yellow Corvette.
03:37:59.000 You can just do anything you want, can't you?
03:38:01.000 Get the new ones.
03:38:02.000 The new ones are beautiful.
03:38:04.000 Okay, well, if you could pick a car that you could drive, like if all of a sudden money became free, what kind of car would you drive around in?
03:38:10.000 Like a new Camry.
03:38:12.000 Like a new Camry.
03:38:13.000 What?
03:38:14.000 Why would you do that?
03:38:16.000 Why would you do that?
03:38:17.000 Is that the car you want?
03:38:19.000 Maybe a 4Runner?
03:38:21.000 Oh, you pee into that bag.
03:38:23.000 Oh, you piss in that thing, and it fills up that bag that's on your leg. 0.64
03:38:26.000 What if Joe buys you 30? 0.80
03:38:28.000 We're good.
03:38:30.000 Solution has been reached.
03:38:32.000 And now pick up his car that we're going to be buying.
03:38:34.000 So what kind of car, man?
03:38:36.000 Just a regular car.
03:38:38.000 I don't want something gaudy.
03:38:39.000 I don't like it.
03:38:40.000 No, you don't need gaudy.
03:38:41.000 What about a BMW? How about a 4Runner?
03:38:55.000 Yeah, they're really good off-road cars and Toyotas are like bulletproof Yeah, they're badass.
03:39:00.000 Those are great.
03:39:01.000 And I can take a day off if it's like a really nice night where I can go out there.
03:39:05.000 Wait, for drinking?
03:39:06.000 Yeah, with the truck.
03:39:07.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah, for sure.
03:39:08.000 For sure.
03:39:09.000 Okay.
03:39:09.000 Can we look at some other vehicles?
03:39:11.000 I like what we're doing here.
03:39:11.000 But come on, look what we're doing here.
03:39:12.000 Give me something.
03:39:12.000 No, no, no.
03:39:13.000 No, no, no. 1.00
03:39:14.000 You son of a bitch. 1.00
03:39:16.000 You son of a bitch, Shane. 1.00
03:39:17.000 The point was that I wouldn't have to fucking... 1.00
03:39:20.000 But that shit's not saucy enough, man. 1.00
03:39:22.000 That's the cruiser. 1.00
03:39:25.000 Wait, JoJo!
03:39:26.000 Can we get it wrapped?
03:39:28.000 Yeah, can we get it wrapped?
03:39:29.000 It says, birth super October, hot weather, get it wrapped and I'll legit.
03:39:35.000 Maybe we should get it wrapped.
03:39:36.000 Maybe we should get it wrapped with that, what was that one, that one eat mushrooms t-shirt that you came out with?
03:39:43.000 Do mushrooms.
03:39:44.000 Do mushrooms.
03:39:45.000 Listen, I don't want that either.
03:39:46.000 I'd have more of an issue saying no to that.
03:39:49.000 I see the value in that.
03:39:51.000 What about I do this?
03:39:52.000 What about I do this?
03:39:52.000 What about like Holocaust Research is on the rack?
03:39:55.000 No, no, no.
03:39:57.000 That's rude.
03:39:58.000 What about I rent you a car and I put that all over the car?
03:40:02.000 Is that okay?
03:40:03.000 No, not myself.
03:40:05.000 Sober October, if I can handle it.
03:40:06.000 No, how about yourself?
03:40:08.000 How about you?
03:40:08.000 That's pretty great on the hood.
03:40:10.000 Right there?
03:40:11.000 Let's go with that one.
03:40:12.000 No, no, no.
03:40:12.000 How about this?
03:40:13.000 I don't have glasses anymore.
03:40:15.000 No name.
03:40:15.000 How about no name?
03:40:16.000 Turn to your left.
03:40:17.000 Look to your left real quick.
03:40:19.000 How about no name?
03:40:21.000 We don't use your name.
03:40:24.000 We just use that image.
03:40:25.000 Only that image on the hood.
03:40:27.000 It's not what it looks like anymore.
03:40:28.000 It doesn't have to be what you look like.
03:40:30.000 It's still you.
03:40:30.000 Burt Reynolds poses sideways naked on each side of the car.
03:40:34.000 No.
03:40:35.000 That's not dangerous enough.
03:40:37.000 How about that one?
03:40:38.000 No.
03:40:39.000 That's the one.
03:40:40.000 That's on your hood.
03:40:41.000 Without the Ari the Great. 0.98
03:40:43.000 Without the Ari?
03:40:44.000 Without the Ari the Great. 0.98
03:40:46.000 Where's it?
03:40:46.000 Oh, the bottom?
03:40:47.000 Yeah, like that.
03:40:48.000 Oh, yeah, excellent.
03:40:49.000 That's great.
03:40:50.000 That's great.
03:40:51.000 One big one on each side.
03:40:52.000 That'd be perfect.
03:40:53.000 Or just a hood one.
03:40:54.000 No, I think one on the...
03:40:54.000 How about one on the roof of the car?
03:40:56.000 The roof?
03:40:57.000 Yeah.
03:40:57.000 Or the hood?
03:40:57.000 No, the hood.
03:40:58.000 The hood, like a fucking Firebird, a Thunderbird? 1.00
03:41:00.000 You could do it that way. 0.99
03:41:01.000 And then branding on the side.
03:41:02.000 Ooh, okay.
03:41:03.000 AriShapir.com.
03:41:04.000 How about this?
03:41:05.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.
03:41:05.000 And have, like, booking info about you.
03:41:07.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
03:41:08.000 How about we, instead of...
03:41:12.000 How about instead of a Corvette, we get you one of these new Camaro ZL1s?
03:41:18.000 That's a badass-assassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassassass 650 horsepower.
03:41:39.000 American beast of a vehicle.
03:41:41.000 They're letting me borrow one of these. 1.00
03:41:43.000 I'm gonna get a six-speed one of these fucking things. 1.00
03:41:45.000 For your prom? 1.00
03:41:46.000 Yeah, man, for my prom.
03:41:48.000 They're letting me borrow it so I can talk about it.
03:41:50.000 They're just coming out.
03:41:51.000 It's like a press car, so we're gonna review it.
03:41:53.000 I'm gonna review it on a podcast.
03:41:55.000 That's an awesome car, man.
03:41:56.000 Dude, that thing is a monster. 1.00
03:41:58.000 And get that fucking thing, that picture on the front? 1.00
03:42:01.000 Right on that hood scoop. 0.99
03:42:02.000 We put that picture on that hood scoop.
03:42:04.000 With branding on the side doors.
03:42:06.000 What do you say?
03:42:06.000 Branding on the side doors.
03:42:08.000 That's so embarrassing.
03:42:08.000 Are you down with this?
03:42:10.000 Please say yes.
03:42:10.000 I'll lease one of these.
03:42:11.000 I swear to God I will.
03:42:12.000 I mean, I don't care for it.
03:42:13.000 But I see the comedic value in it.
03:42:15.000 I actually, I dare you.
03:42:15.000 I see the comedic value in it.
03:42:17.000 But I don't like it. 0.99
03:42:18.000 If you drive it and you realize it's a goddamn 2017 spaceship. 0.99
03:42:23.000 Wow. 0.99
03:42:23.000 That thing goes zero to 16 in like three seconds. 0.99
03:42:25.000 I think it's too cool.
03:42:27.000 And to bring it down a notch.
03:42:29.000 On the back, on the tail of the car, it has to say, I'm a comedian.
03:42:33.000 And it has, like, exclamation points.
03:42:35.000 No, come on. 0.85
03:42:36.000 Look at that image right there.
03:42:37.000 Come on.
03:42:38.000 That's horrible.
03:42:39.000 That's what I want it to be.
03:42:40.000 That's horrible. 0.98
03:42:40.000 I've got to die in yoga. 0.98
03:42:42.000 Come on.
03:42:43.000 Look at that image and look at that hood scoop.
03:42:44.000 And picture that...
03:42:45.000 Look at that hood scoop?
03:42:46.000 Hood scoop.
03:42:46.000 That thing on the hood.
03:42:47.000 That thing in front.
03:42:48.000 How are you going to paint the painting on that? 0.99
03:42:49.000 That's going to be where the fucking sticker gets... 0.98
03:42:51.000 Yeah, that's where the wrap gets put down. 0.99
03:42:54.000 I like this.
03:42:55.000 Sign off, Ari.
03:42:56.000 Dude, come on, Ari. 1.00
03:42:57.000 Sign off.
03:42:57.000 Sign off.
03:42:58.000 And it says, I'm a funny guy on the side of the car.
03:43:02.000 Do you know how American men, hot-blooded American males, are furious that you're even balking momentarily?
03:43:06.000 Okay, you gotta let me pee. 1.00
03:43:08.000 I'll do that if you let me fucking pee. 0.99
03:43:09.000 Go pee. 1.00
03:43:09.000 Not now. 1.00
03:43:10.000 I'm staying in this fucking hot yoga class. 1.00
03:43:12.000 You have to pee again, don't you? 1.00
03:43:13.000 Done.
03:43:13.000 Of course I do.
03:43:14.000 I had to 15 minutes ago.
03:43:15.000 Go pee.
03:43:15.000 I will greenlight you peeing in yoga class.
03:43:17.000 Go pee.
03:43:18.000 Go pee.
03:43:19.000 Go pee.
03:43:19.000 We're gonna hang out.
03:43:20.000 We're gonna figure this out. 0.99
03:43:21.000 You discuss whether I can fucking pee. 0.99
03:43:22.000 I should be able to pee. 1.00
03:43:23.000 That's ridiculous. 0.97
03:43:24.000 I can't believe he's concerned about this. 0.97
03:43:25.000 You think about this while you're out there.
03:43:28.000 I don't think we got as far as I thought we were going to. 1.00
03:43:31.000 Fuck. 1.00
03:43:31.000 No shit. 1.00
03:43:32.000 Right? 1.00
03:43:32.000 I mean, we're four and a half hours into this motherfucker. 1.00
03:43:34.000 We barely have a handle on how the fuck this is gonna go down. 0.99
03:43:39.000 I heard handle and thought about Tito's. 0.92
03:43:42.000 That's the ZL1. See, pull up 2017 Camaro ZL1 Nurburgring time.
03:43:50.000 I think they just got some insane Nurburgring time.
03:43:52.000 I think it was faster than the Corvette Z06. That's a crazy car, man.
03:43:56.000 America's doing some nutty shit now, man. 1.00
03:43:58.000 They're developing these vehicles. 1.00
03:43:59.000 They're just off the charts fast.
03:44:01.000 Now, this Z01 is the most exciting new American car in years right now.
03:44:06.000 It's a beast.
03:44:07.000 And it's an affordable car, comparatively, compared to the kind of performance that the other cars like it, 7 minutes and 23 seconds in the Nürburgring.
03:44:16.000 That's faster than a 911 GT2 RS that's just under a McLaren F1, which is like, how much is that?
03:44:24.000 Like a million bucks?
03:44:25.000 More than a million.
03:44:26.000 And just under the C6 Corvette Z06 and the Dodge Viper ACR. So it's like 1.7 under the Dodge Viper.
03:44:37.000 And the ZR1 is like 719. So it's a crazy car.
03:44:41.000 Crazy fast car is the point.
03:44:43.000 I mean, the difference between like one second here or there, it's just a lot of that times it's like understanding the course, course conditions, driver error.
03:44:52.000 I mean, you're talking about like really close margins.
03:44:55.000 So it's a super car, an absolute super car.
03:44:58.000 It's impressive and I... I never got into cars, but I think that's...
03:45:03.000 It's so much fun.
03:45:04.000 I'll drive that. 0.55
03:45:05.000 But I'll probably drive it on the open road, and if I die, it's on your heads.
03:45:08.000 So you're on it.
03:45:09.000 You're on that.
03:45:09.000 But you gotta let me pee.
03:45:10.000 You gotta let me pee. 0.96
03:45:12.000 On the car.
03:45:12.000 If I'm drinking a bunch of water beforehand and during, it's like you're just telling me I'm gonna lose.
03:45:17.000 The tail of the car has to say, got jokes.
03:45:19.000 But as a compromise.
03:45:21.000 I can compromise off I'm a funny guy or I'm a comedian.
03:45:24.000 Funny guy.
03:45:25.000 Funny guy.
03:45:26.000 Funny guy?
03:45:26.000 But this big.
03:45:28.000 How about do you think I'm funny?
03:45:29.000 No way.
03:45:31.000 Plus your website.
03:45:32.000 Yes.
03:45:34.000 No.
03:45:35.000 No.
03:45:37.000 No?
03:45:37.000 Okay.
03:45:38.000 How about need a laugh?
03:45:40.000 Need a laugh, and then your phone number. 1.00
03:45:42.000 Suck dick for chuckles. 1.00
03:45:43.000 Yeah, that's good. 1.00
03:45:44.000 Let's do that.
03:45:45.000 We got through a lot on this podcast.
03:45:47.000 I'm super glad we did it.
03:45:48.000 Okay, so then we choose the decathlon.
03:45:50.000 It's three events, three events, the winner gets four.
03:45:52.000 What is going to be a decathlon?
03:45:54.000 Like physical events?
03:45:55.000 Yeah.
03:45:55.000 Like runs?
03:45:56.000 To find out if anyone is really in fitness.
03:45:58.000 So if everyone completes it... 0.99
03:46:00.000 You sound like a psychopath. 0.99
03:46:02.000 It's so funny that you're talking like this. 1.00
03:46:05.000 In fitness.
03:46:05.000 Your certainty is so hilarious.
03:46:07.000 That looks like a three-chin-up arm.
03:46:10.000 Your arm's like my mom after Jazzercise.
03:46:15.000 I love your level of delusion, though.
03:46:18.000 It is so exciting.
03:46:19.000 It's not delusion, man.
03:46:19.000 It's really great.
03:46:21.000 Okay, what's the reality like?
03:46:22.000 It's great.
03:46:23.000 What color is the sky?
03:46:25.000 It's been yellow this week.
03:46:27.000 You're like the hardest core Trump fan who's like, we're still doing a great job.
03:46:29.000 No problems at all.
03:46:30.000 Are you in great shape?
03:46:32.000 I'm not in great shape, apparently.
03:46:34.000 What happened?
03:46:34.000 Well, I didn't...
03:46:36.000 Well, you can do three chin-ups.
03:46:38.000 I remember saying to you one time...
03:46:40.000 I said something about being famous.
03:46:42.000 You go, bro...
03:46:44.000 You're not famous.
03:46:45.000 And I was like, no, I definitely am.
03:46:46.000 And you're like, no, I'm not famous.
03:46:48.000 You're definitely not famous.
03:46:50.000 Wait, you're talking to me?
03:46:51.000 I was talking to Joe.
03:46:52.000 Joe.
03:46:52.000 And I was like, oh, it was a good leveler of what fame was.
03:46:57.000 So I was like, you get recognized a couple times a day or a day.
03:47:01.000 If you get recognized at all in a week, you're like, oh, that's crazy.
03:47:05.000 I think the fitness thing, I think if I don't drink, I feel like I feel much better.
03:47:09.000 I feel like we went back in time and you're doing another Game of Thrones thing.
03:47:12.000 Jesus Christ.
03:47:18.000 Break down that pilot, son.
03:47:22.000 Tell us about the second episode now.
03:47:25.000 Well, once the three-eyed raven took over the boy's body, his eyes roll back deep into his head, and Hodor protects him from all the nefarious beings. 1.00
03:47:34.000 You're assholes. 1.00
03:47:35.000 In your face, buddy! 1.00
03:47:37.000 Oh, yeah.
03:47:40.000 Okay.
03:47:44.000 If everyone does the 30 day challenge, then we do a decathlon.
03:47:51.000 Why do you want to do a physical contest like that?
03:47:54.000 I don't care. 0.99
03:47:55.000 How about the fucking parties after the 30 days? 1.00
03:47:58.000 Parties after the 30 days. 0.99
03:47:59.000 And if we all do it, then what?
03:48:00.000 I don't know.
03:48:02.000 We shouldn't make this too complicated because we always keep doing them after Ari realizes that LA is way better than New York and decides to stay. 1.00
03:48:08.000 Stay, bitch. 1.00
03:48:08.000 Deep into November. 1.00
03:48:09.000 And you're making the best month in New York.
03:48:12.000 The best!
03:48:13.000 Oh my god, the bagels.
03:48:14.000 They're unstoppable.
03:48:15.000 How about, and no...
03:48:16.000 The hot dogs are ripe.
03:48:18.000 The bagels.
03:48:19.000 You go, and no, I'm not kidding on the back of your car.
03:48:21.000 That's what it's going to say.
03:48:22.000 I'm not kidding.
03:48:23.000 Just, I'm not kidding.
03:48:24.000 I'm not kidding.
03:48:25.000 But then, like, five exclamation points.
03:48:27.000 Okay, I'll take that.
03:48:28.000 I'm not kidding.
03:48:29.000 I'll take that.
03:48:29.000 That's awful, but I'll take that.
03:48:30.000 I like it.
03:48:31.000 I like it. 1.00
03:48:32.000 Can you believe that shit? 1.00
03:48:34.000 Okay. 1.00
03:48:35.000 I'm not kidding.
03:48:36.000 I like it.
03:48:36.000 I'm not kidding.
03:48:37.000 Big party.
03:48:37.000 Big party at the end.
03:48:39.000 Wait, wait, wait, but as soon as we- Anyone who taps out has to pay for it. 1.00
03:48:42.000 We're leaving a couple days before- Look at that fucking car! 1.00
03:48:45.000 Oh my god! 1.00
03:48:46.000 Oh my god, they did it!
03:48:47.000 Oh, just leave it just like that. 0.72
03:48:48.000 That's perfect.
03:48:49.000 Jesus Christ.
03:48:50.000 Wait, hold on, hold on. 1.00
03:48:51.000 Aesthetically, the side should also be- Shut your fucking mouth. 1.00
03:48:55.000 That's a perfect car. 1.00
03:48:56.000 One of the colors of the- Just shut it! 1.00
03:48:58.000 It looks awesome, dude.
03:48:59.000 It looks great.
03:49:00.000 Red and pink?
03:49:01.000 That's not pink.
03:49:02.000 It's beautiful.
03:49:04.000 It's white with pink.
03:49:06.000 It's not all pink.
03:49:07.000 It's blue with pink.
03:49:09.000 I mean, honestly, I think it should be bright blue or pink or white.
03:49:13.000 How about we give you a full pink wrap and then that's the cover? 1.00
03:49:16.000 No, that's too much.
03:49:17.000 The bright blue.
03:49:18.000 I'll do the bright blue.
03:49:18.000 I'll do the bright blue.
03:49:19.000 I'll do the bright blue.
03:49:20.000 No, no, no. 1.00
03:49:20.000 Talk some shit about pink. 1.00
03:49:22.000 How about this? 0.99
03:49:23.000 How about we get you a hot pink Camaro for a month? 0.99
03:49:27.000 Hot pink Camaro.
03:49:29.000 No, no, no, no.
03:49:30.000 Someone's already done that. 0.99
03:49:31.000 I'm hacking the fucking way. 0.99
03:49:32.000 We should bring up the Amazing Racist stuff on the car. 0.99
03:49:35.000 No way.
03:49:36.000 Not today.
03:49:36.000 You should point to a website where people can go and enjoy your previous work.
03:49:39.000 Oh, yeah, type in AmazingRaces on the website.
03:49:43.000 You know no one's going to Google it.
03:49:44.000 We're in a different age now. 0.78
03:49:48.000 It says, I'm the Amazing Racist.
03:49:50.000 How about, it's a hot pink...
03:49:52.000 Camaro in the back says, I'm not Angeline.
03:49:55.000 It's Angeline.
03:49:55.000 No way, I'm not doing that.
03:49:57.000 In the car is a wig helmet. 0.82
03:49:59.000 Bright blue, black, or white as the wrap.
03:50:00.000 Or we can go red after that, but I just think it doesn't go as well.
03:50:03.000 No way, I can't do that.
03:50:04.000 Perfect.
03:50:05.000 No way, I can't do that. 1.00
03:50:06.000 Dude, I won't get laid for the fucking month. 1.00
03:50:08.000 You will, though. 1.00
03:50:09.000 No, no.
03:50:10.000 I bet you get laid more.
03:50:11.000 I won't either.
03:50:12.000 How about you start wearing like an artificial fur coat and just go deep?
03:50:16.000 How about those yellow glasses that Hunter S. Thompson used to wear all the time?
03:50:20.000 Like aviators with yellow lenses?
03:50:21.000 I love it.
03:50:22.000 How about that?
03:50:22.000 That's what I'm saying.
03:50:23.000 I'm saying.
03:50:24.000 Let's go deep, Ari. 0.86
03:50:25.000 Let's take this to the next level.
03:50:26.000 How about you wear like a little fur on your neck?
03:50:28.000 You have to wear wardrobes at every yoga class.
03:50:30.000 I don't even want to come here.
03:50:31.000 I can't wait for yoga.
03:50:33.000 I can't wait for yoga pants. 0.96
03:50:34.000 Yoga is going to be fucking hard to watch Ari. 1.00
03:50:36.000 You have to wear yoga pants. 0.97
03:50:37.000 Yoga pants.
03:50:38.000 Oh, I'm definitely wearing yoga pants. 1.00
03:50:39.000 Press your cock right up against your side of your legs so everybody can see, like, Jesus. 1.00
03:50:43.000 Oh, yeah. 1.00
03:50:44.000 I'll take fucking pills beforehand. 1.00
03:50:46.000 Would you? 1.00
03:50:47.000 That might actually help your performance.
03:50:49.000 You know, that stuff...
03:50:50.000 Stop me from peeing.
03:50:51.000 That stuff's some sort of a performance-enhancing drug.
03:50:54.000 Yeah?
03:50:54.000 Some sort of performance.
03:50:55.000 Yeah, it does.
03:50:56.000 It's like it works to enhance your performance at certain athletic events.
03:51:00.000 It's banned at certain events.
03:51:02.000 So the stakes are a party?
03:51:04.000 I feel like I said that, but somebody told me it was wrong and I forgot.
03:51:08.000 Make sure that that's true.
03:51:10.000 Is Viagra banned in the Olympics?
03:51:12.000 I think I might have said it is.
03:51:13.000 It is.
03:51:13.000 Is it really?
03:51:14.000 I think I might have said it is.
03:51:15.000 No, John Jones didn't bring Viagra.
03:51:16.000 He took 7-11 ones.
03:51:18.000 No, it was different. 0.99
03:51:18.000 It had Clomathene and a bunch of other shit in it. 0.99
03:51:20.000 I don't think that's true. 0.99
03:51:22.000 I think...
03:51:23.000 I think, actually, Jeff Nowitzki, the USADA guy, might have explained it to me.
03:51:26.000 That's not true.
03:51:27.000 So the stakes.
03:51:28.000 The stakes, Joe.
03:51:29.000 Okay, the stakes.
03:51:29.000 What are the stakes for doing it or not doing it?
03:51:31.000 Hold on, guys.
03:51:31.000 Let Jamie explain.
03:51:31.000 Viagra is not currently listed as a banned drug.
03:51:34.000 In USADA? In sports.
03:51:35.000 I don't know about USADA. Sports.
03:51:37.000 Okay.
03:51:37.000 I'm wrong.
03:51:38.000 So if everyone does it, if we do it, if we don't do it, what are the stakes here?
03:51:41.000 What's going on here?
03:51:42.000 Everyone who doesn't complete the whole challenge has to throw...
03:51:45.000 What do we do?
03:51:48.000 Five grand.
03:51:49.000 Five grand?
03:51:50.000 Hold on.
03:51:51.000 Not everyone's making...
03:51:52.000 No, no, no.
03:51:53.000 Money.
03:51:54.000 I thought we were throwing a party.
03:51:55.000 Yeah, throw a party.
03:51:56.000 Yeah, well, someone's got to pay for it.
03:51:58.000 Yeah, obviously the person's doing it will pay for it, but make it nice.
03:52:01.000 It's not about the money.
03:52:02.000 It's about what you decide to do with it.
03:52:03.000 Okay. 0.99
03:52:04.000 You're going to have linens and a fucking DJ? Or are you going to have a good party? 0.99
03:52:07.000 Are you going to have a party that would be super annoying to go to?
03:52:10.000 No.
03:52:10.000 I don't want that.
03:52:11.000 I don't want that.
03:52:11.000 I want to make it fun for everybody else.
03:52:13.000 Yeah.
03:52:13.000 Okay, what kind of party would that be?
03:52:15.000 I want Bill Burr there, I want Stan Hope there.
03:52:17.000 That's up to them!
03:52:18.000 We can't make that a part of the bet.
03:52:21.000 They'll come.
03:52:22.000 Alright, you can invite them if you wanted to.
03:52:24.000 Bill's not gonna come. 1.00
03:52:25.000 Bill would go in a fucking heartbeat. 1.00
03:52:27.000 He's got a kid, man. 1.00
03:52:28.000 He's busy.
03:52:28.000 He's got a young baby.
03:52:29.000 Bill would go, Doug would go.
03:52:30.000 He has told me, and I quote, I do not like Burr Kreischer.
03:52:33.000 Unquote. 1.00
03:52:34.000 You're such a liar sometimes. 1.00
03:52:37.000 That's crazy. 1.00
03:52:38.000 This podcast took a dark turn.
03:52:41.000 We gotta go, dude. 1.00
03:52:42.000 It's eight hours into this, bitch. 1.00
03:52:44.000 Okay, so October. 1.00
03:52:47.000 Straight sober through October.
03:52:50.000 You have to wear a bracelet.
03:52:51.000 15 days of hot yoga.
03:52:52.000 15 days of hot yoga.
03:52:53.000 I'll wear a bracelet.
03:52:54.000 We'll figure out this party thing.
03:52:56.000 We should throw a really cool party that we'd want to be at.
03:52:59.000 If there's somebody that does clearly win, there's obviously some spin that it's...
03:53:05.000 To me.
03:53:06.000 You're going to win?
03:53:07.000 100%.
03:53:08.000 How's that going to happen?
03:53:09.000 98%.
03:53:09.000 How's that going to happen?
03:53:11.000 You'll see.
03:53:11.000 Well, what are you going to win?
03:53:12.000 You're going to be the only guy that does it?
03:53:13.000 But how would you win if we all do it?
03:53:15.000 I think Ari's going to tap out with the yoga. 1.00
03:53:17.000 Probably true.
03:53:17.000 But this is the thing.
03:53:18.000 This is the thing.
03:53:19.000 Just the thought process that would allow you to jump ahead and say, me, I'm going to win.
03:53:24.000 We don't even know what winning is. 0.98
03:53:26.000 That's why this is so ridiculous. 0.65
03:53:28.000 Like, if winning, if we both do it, how are you going to beat me? 0.98
03:53:31.000 How are you beating me?
03:53:32.000 I think that...
03:53:33.000 You think you're going to, right?
03:53:34.000 So tell me how.
03:53:35.000 We both do it.
03:53:36.000 How do you win?
03:53:37.000 I'm a Mickey Mantle guy.
03:53:38.000 Doesn't make any sense.
03:53:39.000 I'm a Mickey Mantle.
03:53:41.000 That's adorable.
03:53:42.000 I can't go into this going, I'm going to fail.
03:53:46.000 That was the option.
03:53:47.000 Why would you say that you're going to win, and how could you win?
03:53:49.000 Why would you be so quick to jump to the idea that you would win?
03:53:52.000 Just the way I'm groomed.
03:53:53.000 Carefully considering what the other options would be.
03:53:56.000 I believe in winning.
03:53:57.000 Wow, bro.
03:53:57.000 You're like American.
03:53:58.000 You should be a bald eagle. 0.99
03:53:59.000 I'm a little competitive, and once this challenge starts, dude, I'm fucking committed. 0.99
03:54:03.000 You should be a Kid Rock tattoo. 0.96
03:54:05.000 Let me tell you, I will not lose.
03:54:08.000 I will not lose.
03:54:09.000 Wow, that's amazing.
03:54:10.000 Didn't you say that before?
03:54:12.000 Yes.
03:54:12.000 What happened?
03:54:13.000 He lost.
03:54:15.000 Weird.
03:54:16.000 Oh, for one, we should believe him.
03:54:17.000 This doesn't make any sense.
03:54:18.000 I'm so confused.
03:54:20.000 I mean, I hear what he's saying, and I want to just believe him.
03:54:23.000 What's wrong?
03:54:24.000 I mean, you tell me.
03:54:25.000 Am I gullible?
03:54:27.000 Am I gullible?
03:54:28.000 I don't know.
03:54:28.000 Go run 20 miles.
03:54:29.000 Hey, man, I feel like he could do a marathon easy.
03:54:32.000 Easy, bro.
03:54:32.000 I feel like he's in great shape.
03:54:34.000 You know what?
03:54:34.000 I go one step further.
03:54:35.000 I think you did a marathon while we were on.
03:54:37.000 Yeah, and I feel like he's quit drinking for many, many days, numerous times.
03:54:42.000 Last time on... 1.00
03:54:46.000 And I feel like other alcoholics are gonna be, fuck you Segura and Rogan and Shafir, you fucking assholes are ganging up on your friend when he needs you most. 1.00
03:54:55.000 What he needs you to do is validate all of his exaggerations and bullshit stories. 1.00
03:55:01.000 Hyperbole. 0.99
03:55:02.000 What if we all do it?
03:55:02.000 What if we all do it?
03:55:04.000 What if we all do it?
03:55:04.000 What are the stakes if we all do it?
03:55:06.000 Or if none of us do it.
03:55:08.000 We can continue that part.
03:55:09.000 It should be a trip.
03:55:11.000 It should be a trip.
03:55:13.000 That's what we did last time.
03:55:14.000 I think the party, though, is different, and it has to do with...
03:55:17.000 A party's nice.
03:55:19.000 Invite all our friends, take a night off comedy.
03:55:21.000 That's fun, man.
03:55:21.000 Just do a real party.
03:55:23.000 Have an open bar.
03:55:24.000 Have music.
03:55:25.000 Have music.
03:55:26.000 Have music.
03:55:27.000 Yeah, just a fun party.
03:55:27.000 Get a cool band that wants to play for us.
03:55:29.000 That sounds fun.
03:55:30.000 Cigars, joints, alcohol.
03:55:32.000 Beautiful.
03:55:32.000 Good time.
03:55:33.000 So we're all agreed.
03:55:34.000 The entire month of October?
03:55:36.000 It's on.
03:55:37.000 It's on.
03:55:37.000 Sober October.
03:55:38.000 15 hot yogas.
03:55:39.000 Sober October.
03:55:40.000 You can pee twice.
03:55:42.000 No, no, no.
03:55:42.000 I pee when I have to pee.
03:55:43.000 I'll come right back in.
03:55:44.000 You have two pee sessions for the whole month.
03:55:46.000 No, no, no.
03:55:47.000 15 days.
03:55:47.000 You're making me lose.
03:55:48.000 I will pee.
03:55:49.000 I will try not to pee. 0.97
03:55:50.000 Don't piss yourself. 0.92
03:55:50.000 I will run out, pee, and come right back in. 0.92
03:55:52.000 Or provide me a safe scenario where I can pee in the room.
03:55:55.000 We'll figure it out already.
03:55:56.000 Behind a curtain.
03:55:57.000 So, hot yoga, no booze, Sober October is our website.
03:56:02.000 We've got it.
03:56:03.000 Sober Burttober.
03:56:04.000 No, sober Burttober.
03:56:07.000 You lost it?
03:56:07.000 Somebody grabbed it while we were doing it?
03:56:09.000 I was trying to check out, and someone got it on our website.
03:56:11.000 Hey, can you just send it to us, please?
03:56:13.000 What? 1.00
03:56:13.000 These cunts. 1.00
03:56:14.000 You can solicit it. 1.00
03:56:15.000 How dare you, folks?
03:56:15.000 No, I'm not paying them for that.
03:56:17.000 Fuck them. 1.00
03:56:17.000 No, they'll just give it to us. 1.00
03:56:19.000 They'll give it to us.
03:56:19.000 They might not.
03:56:20.000 I want it.
03:56:21.000 It might be some person who's like an industrious. 1.00
03:56:24.000 Oh, what a dick. 1.00
03:56:25.000 No, no, no, no, no, no. 1.00
03:56:28.000 They knew we were buying it.
03:56:29.000 Think the good side. 1.00
03:56:31.000 Obviously, if you listen to the podcast, you know that don't be a cunt. 1.00
03:56:33.000 Why would they buy it? 0.99
03:56:34.000 To make sure that no one else got it.
03:56:35.000 They could be that person.
03:56:36.000 Maybe they didn't realize it and they'd be like, oh, yeah, my bad, my bad.
03:56:38.000 Here, take it back.
03:56:39.000 Give me the $12 for it.
03:56:41.000 It doesn't.
03:56:41.000 We don't need to do it.
03:56:42.000 We can do it all through social media.
03:56:43.000 We can do it another place if we have to.
03:56:45.000 We will document it all through social media.
03:56:48.000 15 days of hot yoga, 30 days of sobriety.
03:56:51.000 Go to DrunkFatBurt.com and see if...
03:56:54.000 Don't say it out loud.
03:56:55.000 Just buy it next time, Tom.
03:56:56.000 DrunkFatBurt.com.
03:56:57.000 Stop, stop, stop. 1.00
03:56:58.000 That's not the fucking website. 0.99
03:56:59.000 Jamie, go to Two Fingers. 1.00
03:57:00.000 Go to Two Fingers.
03:57:01.000 Type quickly.
03:57:02.000 There you go.
03:57:02.000 That's not the website.
03:57:04.000 What is it?
03:57:04.000 FatFatBurt.com.
03:57:05.000 Fucking God! 1.00
03:57:09.000 DrunkFatBird.org. 1.00
03:57:10.000 Get that too.
03:57:10.000 In case we need to start a fund.
03:57:13.000 DrunkFatBird.org.
03:57:14.000 Please say it's not already bought.
03:57:17.000 DrunkFatBird.net.
03:57:18.000 DrunkFatBird.org would be way better.
03:57:20.000 DrunkFatBird.org would be the best one.
03:57:22.000 DrunkFatBird.tv if we get optioned for a series.
03:57:26.000 DrunkFatBird.us to show patriotism.
03:57:29.000 And to show that he could be a Kid Rock tattoo.
03:57:33.000 DrunkFatBurt.
03:57:33.000 ISIS, if you just want to combat terrorism from within with a little simple yoga contest.
03:57:43.000 Oh shit, what's going on, Jamie? 1.00
03:57:45.000 Good goddamn podcast. 1.00
03:57:46.000 Can we say dates? 1.00
03:57:48.000 Fuck yeah, dude. 1.00
03:57:49.000 Say it away. 1.00
03:57:50.000 Okay.
03:57:51.000 I'll be in Los Angeles September 13th doing a storytelling show in the main room of the Comedy Store.
03:57:56.000 Good God.
03:57:57.000 I'm not going to tell you the lineup.
03:57:58.000 It's going to be great.
03:57:59.000 And then tickets go on sale on Friday.
03:58:02.000 New, whatever, pre-sale on Wednesday for Boston, Providence.
03:58:06.000 What are you doing in Boston?
03:58:08.000 Doing the Wilbur for the first time.
03:58:09.000 Woo! 0.99
03:58:10.000 That's all in, like, January.
03:58:13.000 And I got a storytelling show in Denver at the Comedy Works, also in January.
03:58:19.000 Awesome sale now.
03:58:19.000 The whole tour will be out soon.
03:58:21.000 Wilbur's on my shortlist for filming my new Netflix special.
03:58:24.000 Really?
03:58:24.000 Wish I said Netflix clearer.
03:58:28.000 My Netflix special.
03:58:28.000 Really?
03:58:29.000 Yeah.
03:58:29.000 Yeah, the Wilbur's on DrunkFatBird.com.
03:58:32.000 Do we have it?
03:58:32.000 Do we have it?
03:58:33.000 We have it!
03:58:34.000 We got it!
03:58:34.000 Woo!
03:58:35.000 We got it. 1.00
03:58:37.000 We're gonna build that shit out. 0.99
03:58:38.000 There's a short list for where to do my Netflix special. 0.99
03:58:41.000 My short list is Austin at Cap City Comedy Club, Boston, The Wilbur, and I'm thinking a couple other places, a couple other small places.
03:58:51.000 Those are the two places.
03:58:52.000 I'm leaning more towards Comedy Club, but The Wilbur is like three comedy clubs stacked on top of each other.
03:58:57.000 The Wilbur is like very deep, or very shallow, rather.
03:59:00.000 It's only 300 seats.
03:59:01.000 It's like three floors of 300 seats each.
03:59:04.000 Yeah, it's great.
03:59:04.000 You've never done it?
03:59:06.000 I've done it for shit long time. 0.91
03:59:07.000 I've done it with Rogan before. 1.00
03:59:09.000 Oh, it's fucked, dude. 0.99
03:59:10.000 When are you doing the Wilbur? 1.00
03:59:12.000 In January.
03:59:13.000 I might go with you.
03:59:13.000 I might go with you just to see what it's like to watch a set there.
03:59:16.000 Whoa.
03:59:17.000 Feel it again.
03:59:18.000 Because I have to make a decision.
03:59:19.000 Somewhere around January is when I wanted to make the decision of where I want to be.
03:59:22.000 I will say, if you do it at a club, keep me in mind.
03:59:25.000 Okay.
03:59:26.000 I'm doing my special with the Trocadero.
03:59:29.000 Trocadero.
03:59:30.000 In Philly.
03:59:30.000 Philadelphia.
03:59:31.000 Oh, the Trocadero Theater.
03:59:33.000 That place is awesome.
03:59:34.000 It's got a lot of, like, Tom and I had a great conversation when you did the Troc.
03:59:39.000 Yeah.
03:59:39.000 People said Tom couldn't sell a ticket, and then he sold, what, six?
03:59:43.000 No, I did, I think, four or five, something like that.
03:59:46.000 I think five shows at the Troc.
03:59:49.000 Oh.
03:59:49.000 Philly's an epic comedy city.
03:59:51.000 It's fucking amazing. 0.99
03:59:52.000 It's an epic comedy city, too. 0.99
03:59:53.000 You did five shows at the Troc.
03:59:54.000 I think it was four or five, I don't remember.
03:59:55.000 It was five.
03:59:56.000 It was five.
03:59:57.000 Trust me, I know your story's better than you do.
03:59:59.000 Wow.
04:00:00.000 It's impressive, man.
04:00:01.000 They have helium.
04:00:02.000 It's one of the best clubs in the country.
04:00:03.000 That's a great club.
04:00:04.000 That's another spot.
04:00:04.000 I'm thinking of going there now, but maybe...
04:00:06.000 That's another spot where you could do a special.
04:00:07.000 Do a special helium.
04:00:09.000 That could be real.
04:00:10.000 Helium's hard with...
04:00:11.000 I'm doing the Paramount in a couple of weeks.
04:00:14.000 The cameras, the amount of seats you have to lose in such a tight space.
04:00:17.000 Do you though?
04:00:17.000 I've thought about it.
04:00:18.000 Like with today, with what they can do today with cameras?
04:00:21.000 You know, if you could really put a lot of small cameras up on the wall, mount them on the wall, get all your footage, and then decide what you pick.
04:00:29.000 And the only reason why you would move from the center shot is if someone gets in front of it.
04:00:35.000 And then you'd have to really strongly...
04:00:36.000 If budget is not a problem, you could spend, let's say, four or five hundred thousand dollars.
04:00:43.000 Let me be honest.
04:00:44.000 This is my feeling on stand-up on television now, as it stands.
04:00:48.000 I feel like when you're watching someone in the audience, you're sitting there and you're watching them, you're seeing them like from the waist up, right?
04:00:55.000 Or close to it, at the store, something like that, which is like perfect environment.
04:00:58.000 At the Ice House, same deal, perfect environment.
04:01:01.000 That's how you should watch it at home.
04:01:02.000 You should watch it flat on with no edits.
04:01:04.000 The only time I think you should ever show side to side is if you have to edit something or if someone's doing something that's odd.
04:01:09.000 I think it gets a little boring.
04:01:11.000 Does it?
04:01:11.000 I think it gets a little boring.
04:01:12.000 It doesn't get boring when I watch stand-up.
04:01:15.000 No, but here's what you do when you watch stand-up.
04:01:16.000 Your eye automatically on its own shifts back and forth.
04:01:19.000 You get to choose what you're seeing.
04:01:20.000 You look over the piano guy.
04:01:22.000 You're not looking straight on at the stage the whole time.
04:01:25.000 As long as what they're saying is funny and it's good and they're locked into it, I think it's the best way to do it.
04:01:29.000 I don't think that's the best way to do it because you're conscious of the fact they're changing angles.
04:01:33.000 Why does that enhance the bit?
04:01:35.000 I don't think it does.
04:01:36.000 I think we're thought that it does because they do that with everything else, like music videos, rock and roll concerts, anything that people do, they go at it from different angles because it sort of stimulates your mind.
04:01:45.000 But I don't think, if you went to see a stand-up comic, you go to see Joey Diaz in the OR, you're watching him head-on and it's perfect.
04:01:51.000 Sometimes you're looking at his waist.
04:01:53.000 Sometimes you're looking at his belly.
04:01:54.000 You can do that while you're watching.
04:01:55.000 You can do that when you're watching him from the waist up.
04:01:57.000 You can do that if you're watching him from where the head of the crowd is to him.
04:02:01.000 I think you should have different angles.
04:02:03.000 Someone wants different angles.
04:02:05.000 I'm listening to you.
04:02:07.000 I just paid for this myself.
04:02:08.000 You can do whatever you want.
04:02:09.000 And I can tell you, from me going, like, I've been on TV for a while and I know what I'm doing, I still got a plethora of cameras, including a jib.
04:02:19.000 You don't want a jib.
04:02:21.000 You should get something that flies around like a drone.
04:02:24.000 I was in the comedy works.
04:02:27.000 I couldn't do it.
04:02:28.000 Get a drone, bro.
04:02:30.000 Easy.
04:02:32.000 No, you need a drone pilot.
04:02:34.000 You need a drone pilot, but you're good.
04:02:35.000 I'm super serious.
04:02:37.000 Super serious.
04:02:38.000 Super serious. 1.00
04:02:43.000 Fuck off you. 1.00
04:02:44.000 I'll be in... 1.00
04:02:47.000 Oh, Tommy's shooting a special in Denver.
04:02:51.000 Two nights before, the Fox Theater in Oakland, and then I go to the Toronto, the Sony Center at the end of the month.
04:02:59.000 I have a bunch of dates up.
04:03:00.000 Go to TomSeguro.com. 0.99
04:03:02.000 Oh, shit. 0.98
04:03:03.000 There's only tickets available for Tom's Late Show in Denver, and there are just a few, and I know that because I was just in Denver. 0.99
04:03:09.000 And I was saying it every show, because I got nothing but...
04:03:13.000 Love in my heart, I got...
04:03:16.000 Thank you.
04:03:17.000 Denver might be the best place to do comedy in the world.
04:03:20.000 It's awesome.
04:03:21.000 Might be.
04:03:21.000 It's right up there.
04:03:22.000 There's a certain...
04:03:23.000 They're in the mountains.
04:03:25.000 They're kind of freaks.
04:03:26.000 They're survivals of the people that travel from the Old West. 0.81
04:03:29.000 And there's a bunch of people that move there because weed's legal.
04:03:30.000 Yeah.
04:03:31.000 And the money's flowing like water.
04:03:32.000 It's cool there, man.
04:03:33.000 It's a weird spot.
04:03:34.000 It's a weird spot.
04:03:36.000 I'm doing the Belco.
04:03:37.000 I think I'm there in November or something like that.
04:03:39.000 That Belco theater?
04:03:40.000 That's awesome, too. 1.00
04:03:41.000 Denver's the shit, man. 1.00
04:03:42.000 Did I say dates? 1.00
04:03:43.000 You did not.
04:03:45.000 Singapore, September 9th.
04:03:48.000 Still have a solid half of a room to move in Singapore.
04:03:51.000 Don't worry, it's a walk-up market.
04:03:53.000 Yeah, yeah.
04:03:53.000 I hear that a lot.
04:03:55.000 How many people live in Singapore that are English-speaking?
04:03:57.000 Apparently all of them.
04:03:58.000 Oh, yeah, they all speak English in Singapore.
04:04:00.000 That's it.
04:04:00.000 That's all his dates.
04:04:02.000 I will.
04:04:03.000 No, no, no, no.
04:04:04.000 That's it.
04:04:05.000 Perth on the 11th, Sydney on the 13th, Melbourne on the 14th, Sydney again on the 16th, and Brisbane on the 19th.
04:04:12.000 I like how you said Brisbane and I like it from there.
04:04:14.000 I said Melbourne wrong.
04:04:16.000 Brisbane.
04:04:17.000 Brisbane, Melbourne. 1.00
04:04:19.000 Alright, fuckers. 1.00
04:04:20.000 Jesus, this was crazy. 1.00
04:04:22.000 That's it. 1.00
04:04:22.000 What a goddamn podcast. 1.00
04:04:24.000 October. 1.00
04:04:25.000 No booze.
04:04:26.000 Lots of yoga.
04:04:28.000 Yeah.
04:04:28.000 DrunkFatBurt.com.
04:04:29.000 It's going down.
04:04:30.000 DrunkFatBurt.com.
04:04:32.000 It's for all your DrunkFatBurt needs.
04:04:33.000 We get Squarespace to hook that up. 1.00
04:04:35.000 Oh, shit. 0.98
04:04:36.000 Goodnight, everybody. 0.99
04:04:37.000 Alright!
04:04:39.000 See you soon.
04:04:40.000 AriTheGreat.com. 1.00
04:04:43.000 This is gonna be fucking suck dick. 1.00
04:04:45.000 I wonder if you're gonna be able to do it. 1.00