The Joe Rogan Experience - Joe Rogan Experience #101 - Adam Carolla (Part 1)

00:00:04.000 The Joe Rogan Experience Podcast is brought to you by The Fleshlight.

00:00:07.000 If you go to joerogan.net and click on the link for The Fleshlight, enter in the code name ROGAN, you get 15% off the number one male sex toy.

00:00:17.000 All righty. 1.00

00:00:18.000 Buckle up, bitches. 1.00

00:00:19.000 Here we go. 1.00

00:00:20.000 Adam crawls in the house.

00:00:22.000 The Joe Rogan Experience.

00:00:23.000 It's a black guy again, man. 1.00

00:00:25.000 What the fuck? 1.00

00:00:25.000 Keep doing that fake black guy on me, man. 1.00

00:00:37.000 That's not cool. 0.97

00:00:39.000 Ladies and gentlemen, the godfather of the podcast is here.

00:00:43.000 The man who started it all. 0.99

00:00:44.000 The man who, without him, I probably might not have done this fucking thing. 0.98

00:00:48.000 I might not have been so enthusiastic about doing it. 0.99

00:00:51.000 But doing his was so much fun, and he was so smart to...

00:00:55.000 Jump right into that right after his radio station.

00:00:57.000 Adam Crowley, ladies and gentlemen.

00:00:58.000 Great to be here.

00:01:00.000 Great to have you, buddy.

00:01:01.000 It's for real, man.

00:01:02.000 If it wasn't for you and, you know, and doing your podcast and realizing how, like, you had it so...

00:01:06.000 I mean, now you got it really professional. 0.97

00:01:08.000 Like, the last time I was there, I was like, holy shit. 0.70

00:01:09.000 It's like stacks of compressors and all this, you know, and monitors and people hitting video switches and everything. 0.81

00:01:15.000 I mean, you got it like a... 0.99

00:01:16.000 It's a goddamn studio. 0.99

00:01:18.000 You know, everyone is at that studio still making fun of me because Joe did the podcast a couple of weeks ago. 1.00

00:01:25.000 And Joe took a tour around the back part of the warehouse and we're up at the front part where the studio is.

00:01:32.000 And then Joe came back and he said to me, man, you got all these compressors.

00:01:37.000 And I said, really? 0.99

00:01:38.000 You haven't seen shit yet, buddy. 0.99

00:01:40.000 And I said, follow me. 0.99

00:01:42.000 And we walked to a closet and I opened it up and I turned the...

00:01:46.000 Turned the light on and there was a 40 gallon air compressor there.

00:01:50.000 And I said, that's the granddaddy of them all.

00:01:52.000 And he went, no, I didn't mean air compressors.

00:01:55.000 And I was like, what other kind of compressor would you be talking about?

00:01:59.000 He doesn't even know.

00:02:00.000 And then my buddy started laughing at me and now I'm ridiculed soundly.

00:02:05.000 I stand by my compressor means a compressor.

00:02:08.000 Whoa.

00:02:09.000 To me.

00:02:09.000 You were correct in that is the original use of compressor, and especially considering that you have an auto garage.

00:02:15.000 That's a rare situation.

00:02:16.000 It was a good-looking compressor I showed you, to be sure, right?

00:02:20.000 Well, listen, I'm as into gadgets as the next fella, and I'm very impressed by that large compressor.

00:02:25.000 I mean, that was something you'd expect to see at a gas station.

00:02:27.000 Thank you.

00:02:28.000 Very nice. 0.99

00:02:29.000 Even though now they charge you a fucking quarter. 0.99

00:02:32.000 75 cents up the street. 0.99

00:02:33.000 Or whatever.

00:02:34.000 I mean, just the whole idea.

00:02:36.000 I would love to.

00:02:37.000 You know, they do that stuff where they go, if our founding fathers could see this. 1.00

00:02:42.000 Fuck founding fathers. 0.99

00:02:43.000 Let me get a couple guys from the 50s. 1.00

00:02:44.000 Yeah.

00:02:45.000 And just drag them in and go, they make you pay for air? 0.57

00:02:49.000 I should blacken their eye.

00:02:52.000 You know what I mean?

00:02:53.000 I mean, like a guy with a bow tie, and it's like, oh, you know, just take a guy from the 50s and show him a gas station.

00:02:59.000 Serve yourself.

00:03:01.000 You clean your own windshield.

00:03:03.000 You need to pay in advance.

00:03:05.000 That'd be another thing.

00:03:06.000 Like, what?

00:03:06.000 They don't trust you?

00:03:09.000 Air, they'll charge for.

00:03:10.000 I prefer the option to pump my own gas.

00:03:12.000 That's one thing that creeps me out about, like, I think Oregon has it.

00:03:16.000 I know New Jersey has it.

00:03:17.000 Or they don't let you.

00:03:18.000 There's a few states.

00:03:18.000 They don't let you pump your gas.

00:03:20.000 Is that real?

00:03:21.000 Yeah, for real.

00:03:21.000 They don't allow you to.

00:03:23.000 That is a weird one, isn't it?

00:03:25.000 Very strange.

00:03:26.000 I've done some...

00:03:28.000 I don't know if we were talking about this before, but I was thinking about this sort of gas station.

00:03:34.000 I tell people...

00:03:36.000 You know, you can decide where to live.

00:03:38.000 A lot of people base that on, like, well, how are the school systems?

00:03:42.000 Or, you know, what's going on with the economy or the roads or something?

00:03:46.000 But I'd say you can base your neighborhood on the gas station because there's sort of three levels.

00:03:53.000 There are the ones like the ones in my neighborhood where you swipe your credit card and then you have to punch in your zip code because of credit card fraud.

00:04:04.000 Then there's the slightly nicer neighborhood where you just swipe your credit card but you don't have to punch in your zip code.

00:04:11.000 And then there's the greatest neighborhoods of all where you just pump your gas and when you're done, you pay somebody.

00:04:18.000 That's true.

00:04:18.000 But they don't need cash up front.

00:04:20.000 I mean, when you travel and you get outside of L.A. and you realize, oh, there's just some guy who's going to let you pump your gas and then you can pay him.

00:04:28.000 Not everyone's fucking Bonnie and Clyde.

00:04:31.000 All of us are going to jump off sliding across our hoods laughing and peeling out. 0.99

00:04:36.000 That means you're in a good goddamn neighborhood if they trust you. 0.98

00:04:40.000 That's absolutely true. 0.98

00:04:41.000 You know, I got credit card frauded the other day, just a week or so ago.

00:04:47.000 I'm super paranoid now.

00:04:48.000 I'm always at the gas station trying to pull off the scanner to make sure it's real.

00:04:51.000 Do you know how they do it?

00:04:52.000 Those scanners, when you scan your card at the gas station, they put a scanner over that.

00:04:57.000 So as you're scanning, they're getting your numbers as well.

00:05:01.000 And they also have a little camera that looks like an advertisement for a credit card application.

00:05:08.000 It has a little camera in it that reads you typing in your number.

00:05:11.000 Ah.

00:05:12.000 So as you type in your area code or your zip code, you got to do that weird back hunch thing.

00:05:18.000 Yeah, you got to put your hand like this.

00:05:20.000 Like you're eating food in prison.

00:05:21.000 I wonder if there's going to be some sort of syndrome that doctors are going to run into and chiropractors are going to run into called block ATM back.

00:05:33.000 Where, like, in the next hundred years, our kids are going to have weird scoliated spines from doing that weird shoulder hunch, punching it.

00:05:41.000 It's really, you get it from, it's sort of what carpal tunnel is, the guys who work keyboard jobs all day.

00:05:46.000 This is a weird back hunch to all the people that go to the ATM three times a week and dial in their zip code when they're at the gas station, do the cell phone thing where they're, like, texting.

00:05:57.000 It's going to be a weird, because it is just weird.

00:06:00.000 Oh, this is heavy.

00:06:01.000 This may be the weed talking.

00:06:04.000 We may be, dig this, just dig this.

00:06:07.000 We may be getting taller as a species, but we're evening it out by hunching over all the time and rolling our shoulders and protecting whatever serial codes we're punching in.

00:06:19.000 It's weird to me that we still sign things.

00:06:21.000 That freaks me out when I scribble something on a piece of paper that makes it valid.

00:06:25.000 Right.

00:06:26.000 Like, really?

00:06:27.000 Is that for real anymore? 1.00

00:06:28.000 That's the dumbest thing. 0.98

00:06:28.000 We've talked about that, how I just type in Brad Pitt or I type in Tom Selleck because it doesn't matter. 0.98

00:06:32.000 You write it, yeah.

00:06:33.000 I used to be kind of meticulous about my autograph, you know?

00:06:36.000 I used to write my name out.

00:06:38.000 I should say my signature.

00:06:39.000 Right.

00:06:40.000 But if I autograph something, I'm much more particular than if I sign something. 0.99

00:06:43.000 I'm just writing some fucking motion. 0.96

00:06:45.000 You can't tell me that's not right. 0.98

00:06:46.000 I'm changing it. 1.00

00:06:47.000 It's your mark and, you know, you do shows, you stay afterward, you sign a bunch of shit, right? 0.99

00:06:53.000 I'm Sure. 0.99

00:06:54.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:06:55.000 Yeah, I do the same thing.

00:06:57.000 And it becomes your mark.

00:06:58.000 Yeah.

00:06:58.000 And I realize it doesn't have to read.

00:07:01.000 I always tell people this.

00:07:03.000 If you were going to go out and get a fake autograph, it would be Brad Pitt's autograph.

00:07:09.000 It would be Adam Cole's.

00:07:10.000 It wouldn't be me, would it?

00:07:12.000 So, I mean, who's going to question it?

00:07:13.000 Well, I've seen fake ones of mine sold online.

00:07:15.000 Oh, you have?

00:07:16.000 Yeah, a bunch of them.

00:07:17.000 From news radio, autographed memorabilia.

00:07:20.000 Oh, really?

00:07:20.000 There's Fake Everyone.

00:07:21.000 Everyone's name is fake on it.

00:07:22.000 I like those guys who once in a while when you fly into JFK, there'll be some fat guy in cargo shorts who's sweating profusely.

00:07:29.000 He's waiting for you.

00:07:30.000 And he's like, big fan, big fan, big fan.

00:07:32.000 As he's saying big fan, he just keeps swiping.

00:07:34.000 He does 119 pictures of Mia's death on the family.

00:07:37.000 I say, big fan, big fan, big fan.

00:07:40.000 Really?

00:07:41.000 I mean, I got the big part.

00:07:43.000 You're definitely the 322 pounds.

00:07:45.000 Do you sign all those though?

00:07:46.000 I usually...

00:07:47.000 I'll tell you what happened.

00:07:48.000 I ran into the same dude on the way out as I did on the way in, and I signed about 20 of them on the way out.

00:07:56.000 And then when I was coming in at like 6 a.m., he was waiting for me again.

00:08:00.000 And I was like, all right, I'll give you 10 this time.

00:08:03.000 That's nice of you.

00:08:03.000 You know, my fee...

00:08:04.000 I don't...

00:08:05.000 I don't know why, but A, I feel sorry for these guys.

00:08:08.000 I mean, come on. 0.99

00:08:10.000 When's the last time they got a good blowjob? 1.00

00:08:12.000 Number one. 0.99

00:08:13.000 Number two, all right, so that's their job.

00:08:16.000 Like, they get up at five, they drive down to JFK, they pay 20 bucks for parking, and they wait for Adam Carolla to come walking up terminal, whatever. 1.00

00:08:25.000 I look at it as fuck it. 0.99

00:08:26.000 It's their job. 1.00

00:08:27.000 I don't give a shit. 0.99

00:08:29.000 How much money can you make off of the signature? 0.99

00:08:31.000 You make pretty decent money.

00:08:32.000 It definitely depends, but I think I saw your ship going for like $25, and it was just some cheap...

00:08:37.000 $25?

00:08:38.000 Something like that. 0.99

00:08:39.000 I always suspect they just hope on the off chance the plane will crash, then they'll have a stack of the last shit you ever signed. 0.99

00:08:46.000 I couldn't see them making much after that. 0.99

00:08:49.000 Yeah.

00:08:50.000 That could work.

00:08:51.000 Very clever.

00:08:52.000 I used to actually do that when I was a kid.

00:08:56.000 I was a huge Steve Martin fan, so I actually wanted his autograph.

00:09:00.000 So I would always go to those movie shops where they have the signed autographs and the memorabilia and stuff like that.

00:09:08.000 And always looking for a Steve Martin.

00:09:09.000 Never got one.

00:09:10.000 And then I found out that he doesn't give autographs.

00:09:12.000 He gives out a little business card.

00:09:14.000 And it just says, this is a business card.

00:09:16.000 It says that you have met Steve Martin or something like that.

00:09:18.000 And he just carries a podcast.

00:09:20.000 I like it when guys are clever, but not that clever.

00:09:23.000 That's bordering on cute.

00:09:25.000 One of the most uncomfortable moments in my life was me sitting next to Kareem Abdul-Jabbar.

00:09:33.000 Actually, I had two wildly uncomfortable moments that involved Kareem Abdul-Jabbar.

00:09:38.000 One is, he just sat down on my radio show and I was like, you know...

00:09:43.000 You never see any guys in their 70s that are, you know, over 6'7 or 6'8.

00:09:50.000 And I mean, you know, I'm not trying to bring you down, literally, but is there some syndrome or have you talked to somebody or how does it work?

00:09:59.000 Because you just don't see seven-footers that are 80 years old, but yet you seem like you're in perfect health and I don't know how it works.

00:10:05.000 And is there something that I'm not aware of?

00:10:07.000 And he's like, what are you talking about?

00:10:09.000 And I was like, you know how you don't see a lot of old guys are like over six, five.

00:10:15.000 They seem to go a little earlier in life.

00:10:17.000 As a matter of fact, the little short Jewish guys and ones that go on forever. 1.00

00:10:20.000 Is there some connection, correlation between the height and the short longevity?

00:10:26.000 And he was like, I never thought about it. 0.99

00:10:28.000 And I was like, oh, shit, really? 0.99

00:10:31.000 And he was like, yeah, now I am. 0.99

00:10:33.000 This is kind of uncomfortable.

00:10:35.000 I was like, but no, but I can't be the first guy to bring this up.

00:10:39.000 So he did that to me.

00:10:41.000 And then we're at this Dodger All-Star game or something, celebrity game, and we're sitting next to each other.

00:10:47.000 Waiting for the real Dodger game to end in the Tommy Lasorda dugout eating hot wings or something that's up on the Loge level.

00:10:57.000 And some kid came by and said, could you sign my baseball?

00:11:01.000 And I signed his baseball.

00:11:02.000 And then he handed it to Kareem Abdul-Jabbar and he said, could you sign my baseball?

00:11:07.000 And he's like, no.

00:11:09.000 And the kid was like, really?

00:11:12.000 Could it just take a second?

00:11:13.000 And he's like, I'm not doing that right now.

00:11:16.000 And I'm sitting right next to him, and the kid comes back for a third round, and he's like, you know, just real quick.

00:11:21.000 And he's like, no, I'm sorry. 0.94

00:11:24.000 And I'm like, just fucking sign it, just sign it. 0.75

00:11:26.000 And then he walks away, and then his mom shows up like 10 minutes later, and she's like, I'm so sorry to disturb you, Mr. Abdul-Jabbar, but the ball for my son, he's such a huge fan. 0.98

00:11:41.000 Do you think you could just take a moment?

00:11:42.000 He's like...

00:11:43.000 Sorry, no.

00:11:44.000 And she's like, just a moment.

00:11:46.000 And she's like, no, thank you.

00:11:48.000 And I'm just like, I'm sitting next to him wanting to crawl out of my urethra and just go under the carpet.

00:11:54.000 You know that thing?

00:11:55.000 Having to pretend like, you know that body language that says I'm not listening?

00:11:59.000 Like, we can all know the fake body language.

00:12:01.000 I am listening.

00:12:02.000 Uh-huh.

00:12:03.000 But I'm trying to discover the I'm not really listening.

00:12:06.000 You start leaning a little.

00:12:08.000 Oh, God.

00:12:09.000 And she really asked like three or four times.

00:12:11.000 She's like, sorry.

00:12:13.000 No.

00:12:14.000 And she's like, really?

00:12:15.000 Because we could have signed it in this time.

00:12:17.000 It took...

00:12:17.000 No.

00:12:18.000 I'm sorry.

00:12:19.000 No.

00:12:20.000 She's like, please.

00:12:21.000 I want to go. 0.99

00:12:22.000 I'll fucking sign it. 1.00

00:12:23.000 I'll eat your pussy. 1.00

00:12:23.000 Whatever. 1.00

00:12:24.000 Please.

00:12:25.000 Please go away.

00:12:27.000 Take your son somewhere. 1.00

00:12:29.000 What a douchebag he is. 1.00

00:12:31.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:12:31.000 I guess. 1.00

00:12:32.000 He was, right?

00:12:32.000 He's dead, right?

00:12:33.000 No.

00:12:34.000 Isn't he dead?

00:12:35.000 No, he's around.

00:12:36.000 Is he not dead?

00:12:36.000 No, the point is...

00:12:37.000 Which one's dead?

00:12:38.000 Will Chamberlain's dead?

00:12:39.000 Yeah, Wilt's dead. 1.00

00:12:41.000 The point is, I realize the guy's 7'4".

00:12:45.000 There's not a place.

00:12:47.000 It's about height.

00:12:49.000 I mean, you're spotted.

00:12:50.000 You're stopped.

00:12:51.000 He gets stopped everywhere he goes.

00:12:52.000 I'm not defending the guy.

00:12:54.000 But that guy has probably been bugged for autographs non-stop for 50 years. 0.99

00:13:00.000 And I bet he's just fucking had an impacted ass full of it. 0.98

00:13:04.000 I bet he has, but he should reconsider the way that... 0.99

00:13:07.000 In that case, yes.

00:13:08.000 Especially little kids.

00:13:09.000 Some kid, and you can make their day.

00:13:11.000 It's so easy to make their day.

00:13:13.000 You're going to have to communicate with him.

00:13:14.000 He's right there.

00:13:15.000 And you're sure it was him, right?

00:13:17.000 You're not preaching to the crier talking to you.

00:13:18.000 You're sure it was him, right?

00:13:19.000 It wasn't a guy to just look like him.

00:13:20.000 Yeah, it's a 6'4 black guy.

00:13:22.000 Changed his name from Luau Cinder to him.

00:13:24.000 Is that who he was?

00:13:25.000 Luau Cinder?

00:13:26.000 Yeah, I was joking about this once where I was saying, you know, Cat Stevens, Cassius Clay, Luau Cinder, all really bitching names. 0.80

00:13:37.000 Like, no reason to take the Muslim names.

00:13:40.000 That's true, right?

00:13:41.000 Dick Trickle should take the Muslim name, but not maybe even Dick Butkus, but not Cassius Clay, like Cat Stevens.

00:13:48.000 Like, you guys already were blessed with some of the coolest names on the planet. 1.00

00:13:52.000 You know how much less pussy you're going to get, Cat Stevens, going to Islet Muslam or whatever the fuck it is? 1.00

00:13:58.000 I mean, you're going to cut the pussy spigot off. 1.00

00:14:04.000 Imagine his agent. 0.99

00:14:05.000 How'd the phone call go with his agent?

00:14:09.000 Hey, Marty, yeah.

00:14:10.000 No, I'm not going by Cat anymore.

00:14:13.000 That's my slave name.

00:14:16.000 No, no, Cat Stevens.

00:14:17.000 Now I'm going to be selling, my next album's going to be the best of Yusef Islam. 0.98

00:14:23.000 His agent must have just been like, are you fucking kidding me? 0.98

00:14:26.000 I was fascinated by his whole situation, his transformation, up until I read the fact that he actually supported the fatwa, as it were, or whatever, against the guy who wrote, what the fuck is his name? 0.98

00:14:37.000 The guy who wrote the book when they went after him?

00:14:40.000 The first guy?

00:14:40.000 Yeah.

00:14:41.000 The Muslim guy? 0.99

00:14:41.000 Yeah, Satanic Verses, and that guy was named Yuri Geller. 0.99

00:14:47.000 I can't think of his name.

00:14:47.000 Well, you should have got me started.

00:14:48.000 How could I not know his name?

00:14:49.000 I'll spit it out in a second.

00:14:51.000 Hold on, Satanic Verses.

00:14:54.000 Comes out with Duncan Trussell.

00:14:55.000 It's so beautiful how you can do that.

00:14:59.000 Salman Rushdie.

00:15:00.000 Salman Rushdie.

00:15:01.000 These guys are like...

00:15:03.000 All these guys.

00:15:04.000 He supported it. 1.00

00:15:05.000 Yeah, there's the Cat Stevens version, and then there's the teabagger version, and it's always like, they explain their general, look, it's about peace, it's about pilgrimage, spirituality, or whatever, and you go like, okay, I'm down, I'm down, I'm down, and then they always do something, and you go, alright, now I get it, you're an asshole. 1.00

00:15:25.000 He's fucking crazy. 1.00

00:15:26.000 I mean, look, Islam is a strange one to convert to. 1.00

00:15:29.000 It's like when Glenn Beck became a Mormon, Yeah, you know, and like, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. 0.99

00:15:34.000 You're like a fucking grown man? 0.99

00:15:35.000 You're a grown man and you become a Mormon? 1.00

00:15:38.000 It's one thing if you're like born a Mormon, raised a Mormon. 0.99

00:15:41.000 I had a joke that I was doing in my act where the reason why Mormons are so anti-gay marriage is because they're afraid of gay people, rightly so, because if someone could talk you into being a Mormon... 1.00

00:15:50.000 They can probably talk you into sucking their dick. 1.00

00:15:53.000 It's a matter of how much alone time they spend with you. 1.00

00:15:56.000 What won't you believe, you fuck? 1.00

00:15:58.000 It is weird when people discover stuff at, you know, age 37. I feel like my brain, like the cement in the sidewalk of my brain was dry to almost any other ideas at that point. 1.00

00:16:10.000 Well, you could break that cement open with some mushrooms.

00:16:12.000 Oh, my God.

00:16:13.000 Oh, I have.

00:16:14.000 I'm sure you have.

00:16:15.000 I have, yeah.

00:16:16.000 I had this idea, too, though, speaking of the gays.

00:16:22.000 You'll dig this idea.

00:16:23.000 Again, this is more just stone talk.

00:16:25.000 But there's this race that's really fun.

00:16:29.000 It's called the 24 Hours of Lemons.

00:16:32.000 And it's not 24 hours of La Mall.

00:16:34.000 It's lemons. 1.00

00:16:35.000 You take a piece of shit car and you're up against a bunch of other $500 cars and it's a 24 hour race of piece of shit. 1.00

00:16:43.000 Oh, nice. 1.00

00:16:43.000 Sounds fun. 1.00

00:16:44.000 So someone says, well, how do you know that some guy's not going to spend $10,000 on a car, put like a souped up engine in it and all that?

00:16:53.000 How can you confirm that everyone here hasn't spent more than $500 on their entry?

00:17:01.000 It's tough.

00:17:02.000 And the guy said, here's how we do it.

00:17:05.000 We have a giant bulldozer, just like a rock crusher, just like a backhoe thing, just a cruncher.

00:17:12.000 And we will go up and down the line to everyone who enters the race, every race, and we'll pick one car.

00:17:19.000 Right.

00:17:25.000 because you look too slick or we think you don't want to be the nicest car at that thing.

00:17:30.000 You don't want to spend $10,000 because they'll crunch you.

00:17:32.000 And then I thought, this is how they should do the gay games. 1.00

00:17:35.000 Because I thought, how do you know everyone in this game is gay?

00:17:38.000 Maybe there's some straight guy who wants to just gay bash legally, right? 0.99

00:17:43.000 So how do they know, like, Brock Lesnar wouldn't enter the boxing competition and go, yeah, I suck cocky. 1.00

00:17:51.000 You know, and just be in there and just beat the shit out of a bunch of gay guys. 1.00

00:17:55.000 This will be the greatest thing ever. 1.00

00:17:56.000 So I said, they should do it the same way they do the 24 Hours of Lemons. 1.00

00:17:59.000 It's that they line up all the guys for the gay games and one guy just walks in front of them and stops in front of one dude and goes, suck my cock. 1.00

00:18:06.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:18:08.000 That would keep this one straight dude away.

00:18:10.000 Just a 1% chance.

00:18:13.000 Maybe.

00:18:13.000 There'd be a few dudes who would risk it.

00:18:16.000 They'd just fucking sweat out that lottery. 0.98

00:18:19.000 Joe's right. 0.99

00:18:20.000 They got emergency ecstasy in their pocket.

00:18:22.000 Yeah, the emergency ecstasy probably would do it, too. 0.99

00:18:25.000 No, because then you'd write about to suck the cock and you'd realize people are going to see this. 0.99

00:18:30.000 This is going to make it on YouTube. 1.00

00:18:32.000 1980, you could pull that off.

00:18:33.000 What was your first car? 0.99

00:18:35.000 I thought you were going to say cock. 1.00

00:18:36.000 What was your first cock? 1.00

00:18:38.000 My first car was a Mazda pickup truck. 0.99

00:18:41.000 A 79 Mazda long bed.

00:18:45.000 It used to have a bench seat in it, but someone took out the bench seat and put dinette seats in it. 0.93

00:18:52.000 So it was theoretically bucket seats, but they came from someone's living room.

00:18:55.000 So it wasn't awesome.

00:18:58.000 How did you get wrapped up in loving cars?

00:19:01.000 Did you...

00:19:03.000 I was deprived early on of all things mechanical and I had a wrenching gene.

00:19:12.000 The wrenching gene, the wrencher gene, the mechanical gene, it's no different than the musical one.

00:19:20.000 You know, you always, whenever they say, they talk about a drummer, like, oh, Tommy Lee was banging on pots and pans in the kitchen when he was three, so eventually broke down and got him a drum kit, and he's never left it since, you know?

00:19:33.000 So, whatever.

00:19:34.000 He had that gene.

00:19:36.000 And some people have a musical gene and some people have it for math and some people have it for conversation or socializing or whatever, science, whatever. 0.98

00:19:43.000 There is a mechanical gene and if you have it, unless somebody gets you that equivalent of a drum kit, you'll just fucking go nuts. 0.98

00:19:51.000 And I always lived in the valley and had shitty parents with no money and lived in crappy apartments. 0.99

00:19:57.000 So I was just going nuts. 0.94

00:19:59.000 I would go to other kids' houses and use their garages and use their tools and I never had a garage.

00:20:05.000 Yeah.

00:20:05.000 So, when I got older, I then went nuts with it, but I realized I didn't have any money.

00:20:10.000 So, I had to sort of shut that part of my brain off, sort of like being really, really into high-end strippers, but working at an Arby's.

00:20:21.000 At a certain point, you go, just go home and beat off.

00:20:24.000 Stop. 0.98

00:20:25.000 Banging your head against the wall here. 0.86

00:20:26.000 It ain't gonna happen. 0.96

00:20:27.000 So I'm working as a carpenter.

00:20:29.000 I don't have any money, so I have to drive a pickup truck.

00:20:32.000 So I'm like, ah, just screw it.

00:20:33.000 And at a certain point, I made money.

00:20:36.000 And then once I made money, I said, it's time to overcompensate.

00:20:39.000 And that's where I'm at now.

00:20:41.000 Do you have an addiction?

00:20:43.000 I'd say it is.

00:20:44.000 I mean, in the sense, I think about it more than I think about other things.

00:20:48.000 You were gonna do the American version of Top Gear, right?

00:20:50.000 Yeah, I did the pilot, yeah.

00:20:52.000 What happened?

00:20:54.000 What happened is about the worst sort of combination that can happen when you're trying to be gainfully employed.

00:21:03.000 Did the Top Gear pilot with all the British guys, I was sort of the lead guy, came out really, really good, really strong.

00:21:10.000 Everyone... 0.74

00:21:12.000 I could tell it was good because all the hardcore blogger guys who are really deep into this world, the Top Gear world, they're international and they're just a bunch of car tech nerd guys who love to get on the computer and talk shit about nothing.

00:21:28.000 They love to say not as good as the one in the UK, but they all showed up at the taping.

00:21:33.000 They did secret taping somewhere.

00:21:35.000 Some of it's like 700 people showed up.

00:21:37.000 And they all got back to their computers and went, oh, it's every bit as good as the UK one.

00:21:42.000 It was for NBC, and it was right at the time that GM and Chrysler and...

00:21:50.000 Two of the big three, maybe it was Chrysler and GM, were heading to Congress, trying to get money from Congress to stay afloat.

00:21:58.000 They're making a big deal about them taking private jets to ask Congress for money. 0.79

00:22:02.000 And the show Knight Rider 2.0 was tanking completely in the ratings on NBC. So they're like...

00:22:10.000 No car talk and no car shows, and they shelved it. 1.00

00:22:15.000 How fucking stupid is that? 0.99

00:22:16.000 Then I got another sitcom development deal with NBC, and right at the time that happened, it got picked up by the History Channel or Discovery, whatever it's on. 1.00

00:22:27.000 It got picked up for 13 episodes.

00:22:29.000 So they called me, and they're like, oh, good news, we got picked up.

00:22:31.000 And then I'm like, no, I'm actually doing another pilot for NBC that's a sitcom, so I can't do it.

00:22:38.000 So they went ahead and did that, and guess who sitcom pilot didn't get picked up?

00:22:42.000 So 0 for 2, essentially.

00:22:46.000 It's like, you couldn't fuck it up any more than that. 0.98

00:22:49.000 See, that's one of the beautiful things about the podcast, is that it's so difficult to fucking develop a show. 0.98

00:22:54.000 It's so difficult. 0.89

00:22:55.000 I've tried developing sitcoms, I've had development deals, I've had...

00:22:59.000 I've been from the ground floor.

00:23:01.000 I've been brought in during pilots to try to make it better.

00:23:05.000 There's so many people involved and so many opinions and producers and network executives.

00:23:10.000 It's so difficult.

00:23:12.000 One of the beautiful things about the podcast is there's no one.

00:23:15.000 I mean, for you, you have a few people that you've hired that figure out your audio stuff and your video stuff, but there's no one to tell you anything.

00:23:22.000 It's just you.

00:23:23.000 Yeah, I know.

00:23:25.000 It's so beautiful.

00:23:25.000 There's nothing like this.

00:23:27.000 It is, at least it is the vision of the artist.

00:23:32.000 Yeah, 100%.

00:23:33.000 And as I've always said, what piece of art, whether it was a painting or a symphony, got better because 14 people tried to clusterfuck it, you know?

00:23:43.000 And by the way, whether you're talking about NBC or CBS, five post-menopausal broads who never made a human being laugh in their life get involved creatively. 0.91

00:23:55.000 Yeah.

00:23:55.000 I mean, can you...

00:23:56.000 What goes on during the high...

00:23:58.000 I mean, most of the executives in the world of...

00:24:01.000 And listen, I'm not speaking as a bidder whoever.

00:24:05.000 They paid me my money.

00:24:07.000 I did my thing.

00:24:08.000 I have no qualms with them.

00:24:10.000 And I'm not... 1.00

00:24:12.000 I'm coming from an angle of, oh man, I'd love to kiss their ass and get another bite of the apple. 0.99

00:24:17.000 I'm not coming from an angle of, I'm a bitter, jilted sitcom pilot star that didn't get on the air. 1.00

00:24:23.000 I'm just coming from the angle of the truth.

00:24:26.000 And these people are not funny.

00:24:30.000 At all.

00:24:31.000 Now, the thing is, that's okay.

00:24:34.000 Most people aren't funny.

00:24:35.000 Just don't try to direct funny.

00:24:38.000 But my mom doesn't tell me what set to do before I go out on stage.

00:24:43.000 And so, not being funny and Being heavily immersed in comedy and funny and explaining to people how to be funny and what is funny is not going to create a better product.

00:24:53.000 And my fantasy, and a lot of them are women, a lot of them are dudes who don't talk and even have a little bit of a sour, dour look to themselves. 1.00

00:25:02.000 When they go back to their high school reunion...

00:25:06.000 In like Michigan or wherever they're from.

00:25:09.000 And they say to their buddies who they haven't seen in 30 years, where are you up to?

00:25:14.000 Were you living in California?

00:25:15.000 What's going on?

00:25:16.000 What are you doing for a living?

00:25:17.000 And they go, I'm the head of comedy programming on NBC or I'm the head of comedy programming on a major network.

00:25:26.000 The people they went to high school with must go... 1.00

00:25:29.000 Get the fuck out of here! 1.00

00:25:31.000 You've never said a fucking funny thing in your life! 1.00

00:25:33.000 Are you nuts? 1.00

00:25:34.000 You've never... 1.00

00:25:35.000 I never heard you fucking say a thing that made another human being smile. 0.99

00:25:39.000 What'd you do, stand-up all through college? 0.99

00:25:40.000 Like, could you imagine how fucking confusing it would be?

00:25:44.000 Because to a layperson, and remember when you were a layperson, you thought, well, if somebody's the head of comedy whatever... 0.93

00:25:54.000 This dude must be the funniest cat in the land, right?

00:25:57.000 He must know funny, at least.

00:25:58.000 At least.

00:25:59.000 And he's going to be a student of funny. 0.90

00:26:01.000 He's going to be a fat guy named Marty. 0.86

00:26:02.000 You go to his office.

00:26:03.000 There's Groucho Marx photos from the 30s.

00:26:05.000 Oh, he's going to love it.

00:26:06.000 He's going to love it.

00:26:06.000 He's going to be able to do Bill Cosby bits and Bob Hope bits and everybody's bit just verbatim, just back to you, like a savant, instead of looking at you and going, I never heard of Mr. Show.

00:26:21.000 Is that one guy?

00:26:23.000 Who said that to you? 0.64

00:26:26.000 I pitched a... 0.99

00:26:31.000 Well, first off, sometimes you're talking to like 29-year-old chicks who fucking haven't heard of All in the Family. 0.95

00:26:37.000 Yeah, with a clipboard and a confused look on their face. 0.86

00:26:39.000 And you're like, wow, I'm selling something to you for real?

00:26:42.000 Oh.

00:26:43.000 It is just, again, it's the death of all art, which is a bunch of opinions.

00:26:50.000 That's it.

00:26:51.000 I mean, even if someone stood next to Michelangelo and had a decent opinion, it still would have fucked it up to some degree.

00:26:59.000 Even a helpful opinion.

00:27:00.000 Well, especially comedy because comedy is all about one unique opinion.

00:27:05.000 It's all about one person's point of view.

00:27:08.000 When you start getting a bunch of other people intersecting their points of view into your point of view, then it's not yours anymore.

00:27:15.000 What makes someone funny?

00:27:18.000 Talking about Top Gear, Jeremy Clarkson is my favorite.

00:27:21.000 I love that guy.

00:27:22.000 And his point of view is always crass and slightly...

00:27:27.000 It's uniquely his, whether he has writers or not, you know?

00:27:30.000 He does.

00:27:31.000 I'm sure he does. 0.98

00:27:31.000 I mean, I'm being a dick, but I met him. 0.98

00:27:33.000 He came out when I did the podcast, and he was... 0.77

00:27:35.000 I'm sorry, did the car...

00:27:38.000 Everything's a podcast now.

00:27:39.000 When I did Top Gear, and he came up as the nicest guy in the world, and I was just improvising up a storm, and he came right up to me and he said, I could not do what you do.

00:27:48.000 I do not do that.

00:27:50.000 And I said, oh, thanks for the compliment.

00:27:52.000 And he said, no, I mean it.

00:27:53.000 I have my stuff figured out.

00:27:55.000 I don't know if he has writers.

00:27:56.000 Well, he writes himself.

00:27:58.000 He figures his stuff out and then does it in such a matter-of-fact sort of way that it feels so organic.

00:28:06.000 It doesn't necessarily to me.

00:28:07.000 It feels like it's well written, but it feels like it's his, you know what I mean?

00:28:11.000 Well, coming from your trained eye and ear, but I'll bet to the average bloke, it feels very off the cuff.

00:28:18.000 Really?

00:28:18.000 Man, I don't know.

00:28:19.000 It doesn't seem off the cuff at all to me.

00:28:21.000 Well, it's because when he's driving and he's having this visceral experience and he starts sliding in a corner and he yells, you know, this thing's smoother than the Queen Mother's rear end.

00:28:34.000 It feels like he's having this experience, you know.

00:28:38.000 Right, okay.

00:28:39.000 That's why it feels like it to me.

00:28:41.000 And I'm sure it's all canned, but you know there's no teleprompter and it feels like this, again, this experience that's transcending just the voice. 0.97

00:28:49.000 You can tell that that guy really fucking loves cars. 0.98

00:28:52.000 When he reviewed the Corvette ZR1, and he's sliding sideways down this road, and he's screaming, Well done, fat man from Kentucky! 0.99

00:29:02.000 This is a masterpiece!

00:29:05.000 And he's just sideways, blowing smoke out of the tires, stomping on that 648 horsepower engine.

00:29:12.000 You're hearing the roar.

00:29:13.000 You can tell that guy's really loving that.

00:29:15.000 He was driving one of those that I think was a Callaway or something, you know, had the turbo on it, probably had 900 horsepower.

00:29:22.000 When I met him down at, like, El Toro, he just was burning out.

00:29:28.000 I mean, yeah, I mean, not on camera or anything, just...

00:29:31.000 I was yelling at Steve Coogan, who's an English comedian who criticized...

00:29:36.000 Jeremy Clarkson said something about Mexico, said that the reason why Mexico doesn't have good people in the Olympics is because all of their people who can run, swim, or jump have already gotten over the fence.

00:29:47.000 Right. 0.97

00:29:48.000 And people were shitting on him. 0.97

00:29:50.000 Apparently Steve Coogan was just joking. 0.97

00:29:52.000 Apparently he's like a joker and they're friends or something like that.

00:29:55.000 So sorry, Mr. Coogan.

00:29:58.000 Oh, he wasn't really. 0.98

00:29:59.000 Yeah, he wasn't really shitting. 0.96

00:30:00.000 I guess it was his sense of humor. 0.96

00:30:02.000 I just missed the mark.

00:30:04.000 Comedians making jokes, is that, you know, in terms of society, in terms of fixing the ills of society and looking for someone to point a finger at and create some sort of social change, comedians telling jokes.

00:30:18.000 Why is it at the top of everyone's list?

00:30:20.000 I mean, a newscaster, you know, politician, clergyman, there's a chief of police.

00:30:29.000 When those guys make an off-color remark, then maybe you should say something about it.

00:30:34.000 But when a comedian says something, don't you already know inherently by his title?

00:30:40.000 Right.

00:30:40.000 That it's a joke.

00:30:41.000 I was having this exact conversation last night with Daniel Tosh about comedians going after comedians, because, you know, Coogan going after Jeremy Clarkson, and we were talking about David Cross going after Larry the Cable Guy, which is one of the most confusing things.

00:30:56.000 I like David Cross, and I like Larry the Cable Guy.

00:30:59.000 I think Larry the Cable Guy is funny.

00:31:01.000 Is he the greatest comic in the world?

00:31:03.000 Well, that's up to you.

00:31:04.000 For some people, he is.

00:31:05.000 He's a good joke writer.

00:31:07.000 He's got a good character.

00:31:08.000 I think it's good.

00:31:09.000 There's nothing wrong Absolutely not.

00:31:12.000 And I would never go after one of those guys, because it always just seems like sour grapes.

00:31:17.000 Like, alright, you're not selling out ultradomes.

00:31:21.000 And thus, you're pissed off about it.

00:31:24.000 And this is what I got accused of when we were attacking Mencia.

00:31:27.000 But I was like, look, man, there's a lot going on.

00:31:31.000 I'm not going after them.

00:31:33.000 It's not a sour grapes issue.

00:31:35.000 It's an artistic issue.

00:31:37.000 When you go after someone who's doing something you don't agree with, you don't like his material, obviously someone does.

00:31:45.000 Are you saying that your sense of humor is the only one that's valid?

00:31:49.000 You can't enjoy Larry the Cable Guy?

00:31:51.000 No one can enjoy it? 0.97

00:31:52.000 Well, he's a racist, and he says racist things. 1.00

00:31:56.000 No, he says a lot of things that a guy that was Larry the Cable Guy would fucking say, dummy. 1.00

00:32:02.000 And it would be funny. 0.99

00:32:02.000 You're talking about a guy in a flannel t-shirt with cut-off sleeves, talking about arabs, them arabs, them tail heads. 0.99

00:32:09.000 That's what he would say. 1.00

00:32:10.000 It's a fucking character. 0.99

00:32:12.000 Well, listen, you know, Andrew Dice Clay did the same thing. 1.00

00:32:16.000 Except Andrew kind of became that guy.

00:32:19.000 Right.

00:32:20.000 Andrew, you know, the Dice Clay, Andrew was Andrew Silverstein, and the Dice Man was one of his many characters.

00:32:26.000 Right.

00:32:26.000 He would go up and do John Travolta.

00:32:28.000 His fucking John Travolta is deadly. 0.98

00:32:30.000 He would go up and do all these different characters, and the Dice Man just killed so much, it eventually became him. 1.00

00:32:35.000 And then, you know, everywhere he goes, he's wearing weightlifting gloves and leather jackets and shit. 0.98

00:32:39.000 Well, I think... 0.99

00:32:41.000 He's had to re...

00:32:43.000 What happens with these careers is... 0.99

00:32:48.000 Gilligan, you know, a year after Gilligan's Island goes off the air goes, Bob Denver goes, fuck this. 1.00

00:32:55.000 I'm not wearing that stupid white hat and the red crew neck sweater thing and the white boat pants like bullshit. 1.00

00:33:01.000 And then he does about 10 years of this is bullshit. 1.00

00:33:05.000 And then he does about five years of soul searching. 0.99

00:33:08.000 And then at some point he opens the closet and grabs that hat.

00:33:12.000 And says, you know what? 0.98

00:33:14.000 I'm going down to open that fucking boat show in Long Beach and walk out of here with nine grand. 0.99

00:33:18.000 And then starts to wax nostalgic about it. 0.98

00:33:22.000 So I think the Dice Man put down the pack of cigarettes in the leather vest and said, I'm going to do some other things.

00:33:28.000 And at a certain point realized, I ain't paying the bills doing this.

00:33:31.000 Do you remember when he had a sitcom?

00:33:33.000 He went clean for a while?

00:33:35.000 He had a sitcom on CBS and it was called Bless This House or something like that?

00:33:38.000 Wasn't it called that?

00:33:38.000 It was like when Kiss went unmasked.

00:33:40.000 And it was with the woman from Raging Bull.

00:33:43.000 Yeah! 1.00

00:33:44.000 Yeah, what the fuck is her name? 1.00

00:33:45.000 Salmon Roshky. 0.99

00:33:50.000 I mean, Salad. 0.99

00:33:52.000 What the fuck was her name? 1.00

00:33:53.000 Because she was super hot and then she got chubby as fuck. 1.00

00:33:56.000 Yeah, she's... 1.00

00:33:57.000 No, not D'Angelo. 1.00

00:34:01.000 What the fuck is her name? 1.00

00:34:02.000 Kathy Moriarty. 1.00

00:34:03.000 Moriarty. 1.00

00:34:04.000 She was hot as fuck. 1.00

00:34:05.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:34:06.000 And then, you know, much like all of us.

00:34:08.000 She fell apart.

00:34:08.000 I saw the Daisy Duke girl at a comic book convention.

00:34:14.000 It was the saddest thing you will ever see.

00:34:16.000 Her sitting there with her little shorts, but they weren't as short as they used to be.

00:34:20.000 And she's just sitting there, no one talking to her, no one even knowing that she's sitting there.

00:34:24.000 I just walk up and I'm like, this is Daisy Duke right here.

00:34:27.000 And I'm like, oh, you're signing autographs?

00:34:29.000 And she goes, $25.

00:34:30.000 And I'm like, oh, no.

00:34:31.000 Right.

00:34:32.000 And I was like, can I take a picture?

00:34:33.000 And she goes, yeah, that's $10. 0.97

00:34:34.000 I'm like, no, it's with my camera.

00:34:35.000 And she goes, yeah, it's $10.

00:34:37.000 But it was the saddest thing ever.

00:34:38.000 I'm like, no, thank you.

00:34:39.000 And I just walked away and this little Daisy Duke just sat in the corner by herself sitting at a folding chair. 1.00

00:34:44.000 Can I tell you something that's sadder?

00:34:47.000 Moments ago when Joe was like, You know, what's the name of that author?

00:34:51.000 And they put the fatwa on the guy, remember?

00:34:54.000 And wrote satanic verses.

00:34:56.000 Remember that?

00:34:56.000 What was the name of that guy?

00:34:58.000 And I'm like, yeah.

00:34:59.000 You know that author, remember?

00:35:00.000 He had to hide because they put a hit on him.

00:35:03.000 And Cat Stevens gave it two thumbs up.

00:35:06.000 And what's the name of that author? 0.73

00:35:07.000 And I'm like, yeah, I damn couldn't tell you.

00:35:10.000 But when you're like, I saw Daisy Duke, Catherine Bach. 0.99

00:35:16.000 Fucking sad. 1.00

00:35:17.000 Well, when we were kids, she was hot as fuck! 1.00

00:35:20.000 It's just sad that that's where my knowledge base is. 0.99

00:35:22.000 She's not that old, though.

00:35:23.000 How old is she? 0.98

00:35:24.000 She looked probably about 50. So it's just the booze. 0.91

00:35:28.000 Is it booze?

00:35:29.000 It looked just like sadness.

00:35:31.000 It was just sadness.

00:35:32.000 It's booze or drugs.

00:35:33.000 It's amazing how the booze really jacks you.

00:35:36.000 Those little freckles weren't there as much anymore.

00:35:38.000 Oh, she's done. 0.99

00:35:39.000 But then you look at, like, Christy Brinkley's still hot as fuck. 1.00

00:35:43.000 Somehow or another, she's keeping it together, and she's like 53. I have this fun imaginary game I like to play when I get stoned, which is sort of the X. It's a cross, okay? 0.97

00:35:56.000 And let's say when you were in...

00:36:00.000 Junior high, let's say you're in the seventh grade, for the sake of argument, and Dukes of Hazzard is hitting its prime.

00:36:11.000 And they're blowing up the outhouse with the crossbow and whatnot.

00:36:14.000 And you're just sitting there and you're seeing an episode that has Katherine Bach...

00:36:19.000 And then tight Daisy Dukes.

00:36:21.000 And she does that thing where she leans over the open hood and the steam comes out and everything. 1.00

00:36:25.000 And now there you are, little Peckerwood in New Jersey in seventh grade.

00:36:29.000 Now, you're at the bottom of each X. You couldn't get further away.

00:36:34.000 It's not like you stole a bus ticket to L.A. You could fuck Catherine Bach. 1.00

00:36:38.000 No way. 1.00

00:36:39.000 You're a million miles away.

00:36:40.000 So true.

00:36:41.000 Okay.

00:36:41.000 But now, now you start heading up the legs of the X. Just a good old man.

00:36:46.000 Now, we move on ten years.

00:36:48.000 Never made me.

00:36:50.000 Joe's a stand-up comedian, getting started, having a little success, making a little money, growing into his body.

00:36:58.000 He's become sexual, sexually charged.

00:37:01.000 He's 23, 22, 23 years of age.

00:37:06.000 Dukes of Hazzard's been off the air.

00:37:08.000 15 years.

00:37:10.000 Well, no.

00:37:12.000 Let's say it's been off 10 years.

00:37:14.000 But she's still 36. Still looking pretty tight. 0.80

00:37:18.000 But Joe's not looking too bad either.

00:37:21.000 Joe's starting to do a little stand-up.

00:37:23.000 At what point, Joe?

00:37:25.000 At what point do you cross her?

00:37:29.000 At a certain point...

00:37:31.000 I mean, when you were in the 7th grade... 1.00

00:37:34.000 You would have sold your fucking soul and killed your stepmom to get one lick of that pussy, right? 1.00

00:37:39.000 Right. 1.00

00:37:39.000 But now... 1.00

00:37:40.000 Now she's repulsive. 1.00

00:37:42.000 If I asked you this second, well then obviously you guys crossed. 0.96

00:37:46.000 Yes.

00:37:47.000 What year did you cross?

00:37:49.000 That's my game.

00:37:50.000 And then there's something like, ooh, you haven't crossed Christy Brinkley yet.

00:37:54.000 Or maybe you're meeting.

00:37:54.000 Maybe about nine months away from just hitting right in the middle.

00:37:58.000 No, Christy Brinkley's still above me.

00:38:01.000 Yeah?

00:38:01.000 Yeah, she's got me.

00:38:02.000 Yeah, she's still hot and she's 53. No, she's like 57. Oh, Jesus! 0.99

00:38:08.000 That's my point.

00:38:09.000 She's going to be 62. Well, maybe I crossed her at 57. But she looks great.

00:38:13.000 Yeah.

00:38:14.000 Maybe.

00:38:15.000 Maybe she doesn't.

00:38:15.000 With TV, you can never really tell.

00:38:17.000 I'll have to ask Christine.

00:38:18.000 We'll see what we can agree to.

00:38:21.000 It'll be an awesome conversation.

00:38:22.000 Yeah, the Catherine Bach thing, it all depends on how much Catherine Bach took care of herself, whether or not she was still in movies.

00:38:27.000 You know what I mean?

00:38:28.000 Yeah.

00:38:29.000 There's some women that even though they've kind of deteriorated, they still have a level of respectability. 1.00

00:38:34.000 You're doing news, radio, she's been off TV for 14 years, you know what I'm saying?

00:38:39.000 Once Fear Factor happened, I had her.

00:38:41.000 She was mine.

00:38:42.000 She was mine when I was hosting.

00:38:43.000 If I wanted to get Catherine.

00:38:44.000 I'd work out some sort of bracket list, you know what I mean? 0.99

00:38:46.000 Where just really you could find all the chicks you wanted to fuck when you were in the 8th grade and see when you crossed them. 1.00

00:38:53.000 There's nothing stranger than watching a woman go from being beautiful and having ultimate power. 0.99

00:39:01.000 A really super hot chick, a super hot 21-year-old chick, it's almost voodoo. 1.00

00:39:07.000 Their body and the way they move and the way they smell and if they like you and if they're smart, too, and if you're not sure if you can get them. 0.99

00:39:15.000 It's like, goddamn! 1.00

00:39:16.000 Damn! 1.00

00:39:16.000 It's almost fucking voodoo. 1.00

00:39:18.000 It's ultimate power. 1.00

00:39:19.000 It's super celebrity power. 1.00

00:39:21.000 The reason why celebrities get so ridiculously fucked up. 1.00

00:39:24.000 Trump's everything. 1.00

00:39:24.000 The reason why celebrities get so ridiculously big-headed is because everywhere you go, people are kissing your ass. 1.00

00:39:30.000 Everywhere you go, people are, here's free bottle service. 1.00

00:39:33.000 Here's a limousine for free.

00:39:34.000 Please eat at my restaurant.

00:39:36.000 You're amazing.

00:39:37.000 You've changed my life. 1.00

00:39:38.000 And you start thinking you really are the shit. 1.00

00:39:40.000 That is an awesome thought, Mr. Rhodes. 1.00

00:39:42.000 But girls, from the moment they're little, from the moment they're little, you're so cute, you're so beautiful, and then they're in high school, then it becomes currency.

00:39:50.000 It becomes the thing that defines them.

00:39:52.000 And then it goes away.

00:39:55.000 And it goes away slowly. 1.00

00:39:57.000 It goes away weird, where they start looking like that rough bar girl, you know, like still hot, but in her 30s, but, you know, you can see her at a cigarette and Maybe I get a couple of shots of jacking you and let's just go fuck in the woods. 1.00

00:40:08.000 Just some crazy bitch. 1.00

00:40:09.000 She's not the 21-year-old girl who's the cheerleader who's impossible to get. 1.00

00:40:13.000 Now she's this wild bitch who's just, you feel for her. 1.00

00:40:16.000 She's trying to pay her bills. 1.00

00:40:17.000 She's been divorced.

00:40:18.000 And then eventually they become monsters.

00:40:21.000 They become this weird thing, especially if they go down the surgery route.

00:40:26.000 Please, ladies, please, just get old. 1.00

00:40:30.000 Don't go crazy. 1.00

00:40:31.000 Don't fuck with your lips and your neck and all that nutty shit that does not make you look better. 1.00

00:40:36.000 It makes you look different. 1.00

00:40:38.000 And that different is not a good different.

00:40:39.000 It's a weird monster different.

00:40:41.000 Well, also, you guys are going through, historically, a bad phase because your mother didn't have to worry about plastic surgery because it didn't really exist.

00:40:52.000 And your daughter won't really have to worry about it because they'll have perfected it.

00:40:58.000 Even worse, they'll have genetic engineering. 0.58

00:41:00.000 Yeah, you're in the experimental phase and it ain't working out.

00:41:03.000 It's sort of like CGI. It's a bad generation because our folks were watching movies that every stunt was an actual stunt just done by a dude who didn't give a shit. 0.98

00:41:15.000 And our kids enjoy CGI that works so effectively you can't tell. 0.98

00:41:20.000 We went through a whole phase where we had to watch...

00:41:23.000 Shitty movies with really bad effects.

00:41:25.000 Yeah.

00:41:26.000 Because they were perfecting it on our watch.

00:41:28.000 Yeah.

00:41:28.000 And we were sitting in the theater.

00:41:30.000 Well, now we're in the theater of plastic surgery and all you women, it's essentially, it's the 50 year experimental phase while they're working on it and you're looking like shit. 1.00

00:41:41.000 Yeah, you know, I have to compliment you, because Brian Callum said this about you, and it's absolutely the truth. 1.00

00:41:46.000 You are the best at taking one scenario, whatever it is, and just going on this fucking rant. 0.98

00:41:53.000 Pretty amazing. 0.99

00:41:53.000 And coming to these awesome conclusions, you know? 0.99

00:41:56.000 Oh, thanks.

00:41:57.000 You're dead on about it.

00:41:59.000 I love that Brian Callum, by the way.

00:42:01.000 He's awesome.

00:42:02.000 Because I ran into that guy at a...

00:42:04.000 We're shooting a movie, and...

00:42:08.000 Just doing a little bit part and a little bit movie.

00:42:11.000 And Brian came up to me and he said, you know, you may be the best at doing this improv stuff.

00:42:17.000 And I said, I don't know.

00:42:20.000 There's probably other guys that do it better than me.

00:42:22.000 And he said, who?

00:42:24.000 And I said, I don't know.

00:42:25.000 And he said, well, someone's got to be the best.

00:42:28.000 And I said, I don't know.

00:42:29.000 I guess they do.

00:42:30.000 And he said, well, then that's you.

00:42:31.000 And I was like, all right.

00:42:34.000 He told this exact story and those exact words.

00:42:36.000 I walked away. 0.97

00:42:37.000 I've never fucking felt better in my life. 0.97

00:42:40.000 It's true, man. 0.99

00:42:41.000 You go on these wild rants, but they come to conclusions.

00:42:44.000 They come to great conclusions. 0.99

00:42:46.000 I don't know how you generate material or if any of this stuff you've already talked about on stage, but seriously, go back and listen to this podcast with a fucking notebook. 0.95

00:42:54.000 And there's like three good bits in there. 0.95

00:42:57.000 At least.

00:42:57.000 I never listen to anything or go back and revisit anything.

00:43:01.000 Hire someone to do it.

00:43:02.000 Hire one of your folks.

00:43:03.000 I did that.

00:43:04.000 That's how I wrote the book.

00:43:05.000 I swear to God.

00:43:06.000 I just said, you have to listen to all this stuff and find the stuff out.

00:43:11.000 But it's always sad because I've tried it a few times.

00:43:13.000 And a few times, the guys have gone and listened to a couple of shows.

00:43:16.000 And then I go, find anything good?

00:43:18.000 And they're like, not so much.

00:43:20.000 And it's like... 0.92

00:43:21.000 Oh, you mean I didn't say anything fucking good? 0.97

00:43:23.000 You gotta get a better guy. 0.98

00:43:24.000 Yeah, you get a better guy, they get a little better crab comb.

00:43:27.000 Get a guy and make him get high before he watches you. 1.00

00:43:30.000 That's very important.

00:43:31.000 We were talking about this.

00:43:32.000 You know, a lot of people say, oh, you're always talking about pot.

00:43:35.000 Why are you always talking about pot? 0.99

00:43:36.000 Because it's fucking awesome. 0.99

00:43:38.000 And it's awesome, and it has this terrible reputation, this wrong, incorrect reputation because of fucking Nancy Reagan and Just Say No and Nixon and all that nonsense and propaganda that they force-fed you. 0.96

00:43:50.000 It is a plant that is here, and it has benefits. 0.92

00:43:54.000 There's great benefits for your mind.

00:43:56.000 And to pretend that it doesn't. 0.99

00:43:58.000 To me, it's ridiculous. 0.79

00:43:59.000 We did a few things. 0.89

00:44:00.000 We started lumping drugs in under one umbrella.

00:44:04.000 Absolutely true.

00:44:05.000 Just like you would no sooner do it with, you were just talking about women. 0.81

00:44:09.000 Hey, Joe, I would like to set you up with woman. 1.00

00:44:12.000 You'd be like, what color's her hair? 0.57

00:44:14.000 How tall is she? 1.00

00:44:15.000 How old is she? 0.98

00:44:16.000 What's a cup size?

00:44:17.000 Or when someone says you hate women. 1.00

00:44:18.000 Yeah, it's not women. 1.00

00:44:19.000 Because you think one woman's a cunt. 1.00

00:44:21.000 It all just became drugs and somehow methamphetamine and marijuana just sort of got lumped under the same umbrella. 1.00

00:44:28.000 You do drugs? 1.00

00:44:29.000 Fucking such a huge mistake. 1.00

00:44:31.000 And then the other thing that drives me insane about our legal system... 1.00

00:44:36.000 When they pulled those guys over who went on to rob the North Hollywood Bank over there on Laurel Canyon, those crazy motherfuckers who were like... 0.99

00:44:46.000 And by the way, they were beaked out of their mind on uppers and that's why... 0.99

00:44:51.000 And steroids as well.

00:44:52.000 And steroids and everything else.

00:44:52.000 But all right.

00:44:53.000 They pulled those dudes over in like Eagle Rock and they popped the trunk of their car and they found ski masks, police scanners, body armor, maps, automatic weapons that were modified maps, automatic weapons that were modified illegally.

00:45:13.000 I mean, semi-automatic weapons that were modified to go full automatic with armor piercing rounds and extended banana clips and stuff.

00:45:21.000 They found everything in the trunk of their car that basically said, oh, these guys are on their way to rob a bank.

00:45:27.000 When they arrested them, they could not get them for attempted bank robbery because the law says, hey, man, we got to catch you robbing a bank.

00:45:39.000 Just because you're driving around with police scanners and armor-piercing bullets and ski masks doesn't mean you're going to rob a bank.

00:45:46.000 We know practically it means you're going to rob a bank.

00:45:49.000 But the way our law system works is you have to rob a bank and then we will...

00:45:55.000 We'll prosecute you for robbing a bank.

00:45:57.000 And we all agree, alright, that's how it works.

00:45:59.000 And these guys got locked up for a little something something. 0.91

00:46:01.000 And when they got out, they gave them back a lot of their police scanners and a lot of their shit that was their property. 0.80

00:46:07.000 Fine. 0.97

00:46:08.000 Then they robbed the bank and then they had the North Hollywood shootout, which was completely and utterly insane.

00:46:13.000 But the point is this.

00:46:15.000 prosecute them for robbing a bank before they rob the bank.

00:46:19.000 And how come when you get busted for more than a shoebox full of marijuana or even a coffee can full of marijuana, you get intent to distribute?

00:46:29.000 They don't have to catch you distributing.

00:46:31.000 Maybe I just like to stock up on weed.

00:46:34.000 That's insane.

00:46:35.000 That's an insane part of the law to me because every other thing works is we need a body for murder and we need a witness for attempted murder.

00:46:44.000 This is the only thing where they go, you were going to do with this pot even though they never caught you doing anything with it. 0.99

00:46:52.000 And again, maybe you like to shop like you shop at Smart and Final or Costco where you just want a 55-gallon drum of garbanzo beans and that's your fucking business. 0.95

00:47:00.000 That's how I used to do it before the weed stores came around. 0.98

00:47:03.000 I used to buy in bulk because I didn't want to deal with these guys.

00:47:06.000 There was a dude named Jake the Snake that was Eddie Bravo's friend that we used to have to fucking deal with and we used to buy weed from him. 1.00

00:47:12.000 He was so stupid. 1.00

00:47:14.000 Eddie Bravo's black belt in Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu choked out. 1.00

00:47:18.000 One of the first guys to ever choke out a Gracian competition. 1.00

00:47:20.000 And this fucking idiot was like, man, you couldn't do that shit to me. 1.00

00:47:23.000 Eddie had to strangle this kid three times on his fucking front lawn. 1.00

00:47:26.000 You can't do that again. 1.00

00:47:27.000 You got lucky.

00:47:28.000 He had to do it again and again and again. 1.00

00:47:29.000 I mean, this kid was so stupid. 1.00

00:47:31.000 And we were buying weed from him. 1.00

00:47:32.000 And so, you know, I would just buy a big pile of it.

00:47:35.000 You'd never have to deal with that guy. 1.00

00:47:36.000 Just go, please shut the fuck up. 1.00

00:47:37.000 Here's the money. 1.00

00:47:38.000 Please shut the fuck up. 1.00

00:47:38.000 It's just so sad that you can't, as a homeowner and a taxpayer, just plant a pot plant in your backyard. 1.00

00:47:46.000 Well, you can now, but the problem is, federally, you can't.

00:47:49.000 You can state-wise.

00:47:51.000 As far as the state's concerned, it depends on each county has a different law, but you can have a certain amount of plants and a certain amount of pot.

00:47:58.000 You can have up to like a half a pound of pot and up to X amount of plants as long as you have a medical recommendation.

00:48:03.000 Or if you have a waiver, you can get even more plants, which I do.

00:48:06.000 I have a waiver because I need extra.

00:48:08.000 Just because I could.

00:48:09.000 My mom had a pot. 1.00

00:48:10.000 Do you need a waiver? 1.00

00:48:10.000 I'm like, yeah, give me that fucking waiver, man. 1.00

00:48:12.000 What's up? 0.99

00:48:12.000 And you don't even use it. 0.99

00:48:13.000 My mom had a pot plant in her backyard when I was like in the sixth grade.

00:48:20.000 Really?

00:48:20.000 Yeah.

00:48:21.000 Yeah.

00:48:21.000 And I told my buddy, Hamid...

00:48:25.000 And the next day it was gone.

00:48:26.000 He stole it?

00:48:27.000 Wow.

00:48:28.000 I'm just doing the Hamid math on that one. 1.00

00:48:30.000 Wow, what a douchebag Hamid is. 0.99

00:48:32.000 Yeah, I never told my mom. 1.00

00:48:34.000 Wow.

00:48:34.000 I guess if she's a big Joe Rogan podcaster, she's going to hear it.

00:48:37.000 Sorry, Mom.

00:48:38.000 Yeah, and the weed thing is...

00:48:41.000 I've said this many times, and I think I said it in my book.

00:48:45.000 Here's the difference between weed and other drugs.

00:48:48.000 I would rather have one...

00:48:51.000 Thousand guys that smoked weed live in my neighborhood rather than one tweaker. 0.55

00:48:57.000 Oh, yeah. 1.00

00:48:57.000 Just one fucking meth head. 1.00

00:49:00.000 Yeah, one meth head and you see him, you're like, I think we need to get rid of that guy. 1.00

00:49:04.000 Right. 1.00

00:49:04.000 You should think about killing him. 1.00

00:49:05.000 Right. 1.00

00:49:06.000 You know, like there's a disease person.

00:49:07.000 It's like, I'm watching the show Walking Dead.

00:49:09.000 I just bought the DVD. The set, pretty fucking badass. 0.98

00:49:12.000 Good zombie show. 0.72

00:49:14.000 But, you know, there comes a point in the show where, you know, people get bit and they're all sitting around trying to figure what are we going to do.

00:49:21.000 And some people want to kill the guy and some people don't.

00:49:23.000 But, you know, a meth head is just like a zombie.

00:49:25.000 It's like, this guy's infected. 1.00

00:49:27.000 I mean, this guy's fucked up. 1.00

00:49:28.000 He could do anything. 1.00

00:49:29.000 He could kill you. 1.00

00:49:30.000 He could do anything to try to get this shit. 1.00

00:49:31.000 They have terrible decision-making capabilities. 1.00

00:49:34.000 They're almost like just a high-functioning zombie.

00:49:37.000 I mean, it really is.

00:49:38.000 Yeah, and the idea that...

00:49:40.000 I haven't checked recent statistics, but about five years ago, this country spent more on pot eradication than it did on meth.

00:49:48.000 And that's...

00:49:49.000 Utterly insane.

00:49:50.000 It's just insane.

00:49:51.000 It's just a financial thing.

00:49:53.000 It's 100% a financial thing.

00:49:54.000 And there's a huge industry in keeping marijuana illegal.

00:49:57.000 As far as law enforcement, as far as the people in pharmaceutical companies, they want marijuana to stay illegal. 0.99

00:50:04.000 There's a lot of bad fucking cops out there when it comes to drugs. 0.98

00:50:09.000 And one of the things they do, and this is a common thing in the grower community, they rob pot dealers. 1.00

00:50:14.000 Cops do.

00:50:15.000 And they did it to a friend of mine.

00:50:16.000 A friend of mine was growing, and his neighbor turned him in.

00:50:20.000 Well, he was growing legally. 0.94

00:50:21.000 So the cops came, and they ask him questions, and they go over all of his shit, and he goes, okay, you're all right, you're legal. 0.95

00:50:28.000 And then a couple weeks later, he gets home invaded, okay? 0.97

00:50:32.000 Really?

00:50:32.000 Yeah, by cops!

00:50:34.000 Wow. 1.00

00:50:35.000 By fucking cops. 1.00

00:50:36.000 The guy says, freeze. 1.00

00:50:38.000 Pulls a gun on him and he goes, freeze.

00:50:39.000 And my friend goes, freeze? 1.00

00:50:42.000 What the fuck are you saying? 1.00

00:50:43.000 What are you, a fucking cop? 1.00

00:50:45.000 And the guy panics and shuts up, and it became this crazy fucking situation where he even is pretty sure he knows who the cops are, but can't say anything because he doesn't want the cops coming after him. 1.00

00:50:57.000 He had a fucking move. 0.99

00:50:58.000 He had a move because he got robbed by cops. 1.00

00:51:00.000 What's up with the neighbors?

00:51:01.000 That's my big question. 1.00

00:51:03.000 What's up with the fucking neighbors? 1.00

00:51:05.000 I've had so many shitball douchebag neighbors who called the cops over nothing. 1.00

00:51:10.000 Yeah. 0.97

00:51:10.000 Got, like, building departments involved with things. 0.97

00:51:13.000 Like, I've never had a cool neighbor. 0.98

00:51:15.000 I had no idea that there would be this many ass-wipes. 0.97

00:51:18.000 Like, I mean, I've had... 0.88

00:51:19.000 I had a New Year's Eve party where the cops showed up at 9.45 on a Saturday night on New Year's Eve, which meant the guy called them at 9. Or, you know, it takes cops a good hour to fucking roll on one of those calls. 0.88

00:51:36.000 Somebody called on New Year's Eve... 0.98

00:51:38.000 At like 8.45 to come to my house.

00:51:41.000 It wasn't raging already.

00:51:42.000 It was just a bunch of people sitting around having a beer. 0.99

00:51:45.000 And the fucking cops showed up at 9.45. 0.99

00:51:48.000 And the cops walked in and I said, you want me to turn the stereo down? 0.99

00:51:52.000 And they said, not if you don't want to.

00:51:54.000 And I said, even the cops knew, hey, look, if it's 4 a.m. 0.94

00:51:58.000 and you guys are just fucking cranking helter skelter as loud as you can, well then there's going to be a problem. 0.96

00:52:06.000 But... 1.00

00:52:07.000 I walked in, looked around, and just went, oh, this is bullshit. 0.99

00:52:10.000 And I realized this one person who was sitting home alone wanted the 150 people to all go home because he wanted to fucking finish watching his Hannity and Combs or whatever the fuck was on at 10 o'clock. 1.00

00:52:24.000 And it's like, what the fuck? 0.99

00:52:25.000 I've never called the cops in my life. 0.99

00:52:28.000 I'll put earplugs in, I'll put a shade on, I'll put a pillow. 1.00

00:52:31.000 I'll knock on your door and go, hey man, this shit's really loud. 0.99

00:52:34.000 Is there anything we could just lower it a little? 0.99

00:52:36.000 I mean, if it's really crazy.

00:52:37.000 When I lived in apartments, you know, but I had good neighbors in the mountains.

00:52:41.000 The mountains, when I was living in Colorado, it was kind of interesting because...

00:52:44.000 You kind of have to help each other out up there. 0.99

00:52:46.000 You're all alone with mountain lions and bears and shit. 0.99

00:52:49.000 And they'd give good advice about what to do if a bear attacks you and shit like that. 0.99

00:52:53.000 But they were different up there. 0.94

00:52:55.000 But they were really far apart from each other.

00:52:58.000 Everybody was a drive.

00:53:00.000 Everybody was a quarter mile walking distance from each other.

00:53:03.000 Yeah, that helps. 1.00

00:53:04.000 Fuck yeah, it helps, man. 1.00

00:53:05.000 That's the worst thing about LA. And I'll tell you what, being on your podcast the other day completely reignited my escape from LA scenario. 1.00

00:53:14.000 And I've been talking to Mrs. Rogan about it, and we fucking started looking at houses in Boulder again. 0.83

00:53:19.000 We started talking to real estate guys about the move, I think, is we're going to probably look to get a summer place and then eventually try to move into the summer place and get the fuck out of here. 0.95

00:53:29.000 Sure.

00:53:30.000 But the problem is the number, the number of people. 1.00

00:53:33.000 When you've got so many people and they're stacked on top of each other and, you know, there's one guy next door and his fucking dog is barking. 0.99

00:53:40.000 I was over at a friend's house the other day and right next door to her house, her dogs are, these dogs are barking like fucking crazy. 0.99

00:53:46.000 And then behind her, there's some other dogs and they hear these dogs barking. 0.97

00:53:48.000 So they come and triangulate the barking. 0.98

00:53:51.000 And there's barking from here and barking from there and everybody's jammed on top of each other and your fucking TV's too loud and your song's loud and everybody's laughing by the pool. 0.97

00:53:59.000 There's too much input. 0.98

00:54:01.000 There's too much.

00:54:01.000 No, listen, I agree.

00:54:04.000 Even on a personal level, you ever share a bachelor apartment with a chick or just like a single with a chick? 0.97

00:54:12.000 It's fucking almost impossible to get along. 0.94

00:54:15.000 It's just literal square footage. 1.00

00:54:18.000 When you're on top of each other, You're fucked. 0.99

00:54:21.000 You have to be so fucking compatible and so cool. 0.99

00:54:25.000 You know, when I tried it, I was 21 and the girl was 20 and we were both poor and we're both working. 0.51

00:54:31.000 You know, I was trying to be a comedian and she was trying to manage restaurants. 0.96

00:54:34.000 We never lived with anybody before. 0.99

00:54:36.000 We'd live with our fucking parents and all of a sudden we're living together. 1.00

00:54:39.000 It was ridiculous. 1.00

00:54:40.000 It was a terrible idea.

00:54:41.000 When me and Catherine Bach were shacked up in 79...

00:54:45.000 But the girl was great before that, and I was great before that.

00:54:48.000 I'm sure she probably thought, yeah, he's so fun and so much fun to hang out with.

00:54:54.000 I tell everybody, whenever they ask about relationship stuff, I just go, square footage.

00:55:01.000 When I go, what's your marital advice?

00:55:03.000 Square footage and two TVAs.

00:55:05.000 That's huge.

00:55:06.000 Just be able to spread it out.

00:55:09.000 You'll learn to hate anyone you have to live on top of.

00:55:12.000 Do you appreciate when you go on the road?

00:55:14.000 When you go on the road and then you come home?

00:55:16.000 Yeah.

00:55:16.000 That makes, man, you know, when you're around, you know, everybody all the time.

00:55:19.000 He falls around you, around anybody.

00:55:21.000 When you're around them all the time, you know, you just get sick of them.

00:55:25.000 It's boring.

00:55:26.000 The same input is coming in over and over and over again.

00:55:29.000 And you start analyzing that input. 0.99

00:55:30.000 That's when people start going, why do you fucking do that thing with your fingernails? 1.00

00:55:33.000 What do you give a shit what I do with my fingernails? 0.99

00:55:35.000 Because they see you doing this all the time. 0.99

00:55:38.000 If they just met you and they saw you biting your nail, they'd go, oh, he's biting his nail.

00:55:40.000 It wouldn't be a big deal. 1.00

00:55:41.000 But you live with someone and you see them biting their fucking nail every day. 1.00

00:55:44.000 You want to break their fingers off. 1.00

00:55:45.000 You're like, what are you doing, you crazy asshole? 1.00

00:55:47.000 When I go on the road, though, and I come back, I'm so thankful. 1.00

00:55:51.000 It's like reset.

00:55:52.000 Yeah, it makes me so much more enthusiastic about everybody.

00:55:56.000 Plus... 0.99

00:55:57.000 Sleeping on a shitty mattress with a jizz pentagram drawn into it. 0.99

00:56:01.000 It does make you miss your pillow just a little bit as well. 0.99

00:56:03.000 You're talking to Captain Jizz over here to my left. 1.00

00:56:05.000 This motherfucker throws loads on the walls. 0.99

00:56:08.000 He calls it Spider-Man. 1.00

00:56:09.000 When I'm at hotels, because I can.

00:56:11.000 Because you can't do it at home.

00:56:11.000 It's like a vacation, so you throw it everywhere.

00:56:13.000 That's rude, dude.

00:56:15.000 But, well, I guess the question is, because...

00:56:19.000 Really?

00:56:20.000 On the walls?

00:56:21.000 This is one of the reasons why when I go to hotels, every time I can, I get a suite.

00:56:25.000 Because I know guys like you are not going to get suites.

00:56:27.000 So I don't have to look at loads everywhere.

00:56:29.000 You literally throw it.

00:56:30.000 You don't blow it.

00:56:31.000 He shoots it in his hand and then throws it like Spider-Man.

00:56:34.000 Oh.

00:56:35.000 Because it's fun.

00:56:36.000 Maybe I've turned the corner on this activity.

00:56:38.000 I don't know.

00:56:39.000 Now you start to like it.

00:56:41.000 It's great.

00:56:41.000 Well, first, I thought you were just beating off into a wall.

00:56:44.000 Some poor lady from Guatemala has got to clean your loads off off of fucking photos. 1.00

00:56:48.000 She's not going to see it. 0.99

00:56:49.000 There's a picture of a man in a canoe fly fishing, and it's got a load on it.

00:56:52.000 She's got to scrape it off. 1.00

00:56:53.000 If you're at a nice hotel where they have black wallpaper, I wouldn't do it against the wall. 0.96

00:56:58.000 It's like these crappy hotels.

00:57:00.000 You know, it would be sweet retribution as if it was, let's say it was a hot, hot August night and you're staying at a bad motor lodge and the air conditioning's on the fritz and you're in the south.

00:57:16.000 You're in the deep south and you blow your load and you go to do your Spider-Man fling with it and it hits the ceiling fan.

00:57:23.000 It comes back into your eye.

00:57:25.000 You get pink eye.

00:57:27.000 And then you have to explain to the doctor that's your own load that gave you the pink eye.

00:57:32.000 I don't think that's enough.

00:57:34.000 I think he deserves more.

00:57:35.000 What?

00:57:36.000 I think you deserve more.

00:57:37.000 Right. 0.85

00:57:38.000 You deserve to get pregnant. 1.00

00:57:39.000 I had payback the other day. 0.95

00:57:41.000 Really?

00:57:41.000 What happened?

00:57:41.000 I don't even want to talk about it.

00:57:42.000 It's fucking disgusting. 0.99

00:57:44.000 Let's just say that I came and then somehow it ended on my lip snowballed, kind of, as a joke. 0.99

00:57:52.000 She thought it was funny.

00:57:53.000 What?

00:57:54.000 Nothing. 1.00

00:57:55.000 I was getting a blowjob. 1.00

00:57:57.000 Came in her mouth. 1.00

00:57:59.000 She was kissing me and she spits it on my lip because she thought it was funny. 1.00

00:58:06.000 That's rude.

00:58:07.000 I can't even watch the two-on-one porn when the guys are going at it at the same time.

00:58:13.000 I mean, I can watch it.

00:58:15.000 Don't get me wrong.

00:58:15.000 But what I mean is...

00:58:17.000 The other dude's jizz on you. 0.99

00:58:20.000 I feel like not enough is made of that in the porn world. 1.00

00:58:24.000 They'll both just bust a load on their tits, and then they'll both be slapping their dick on it. 1.00

00:58:29.000 It's like, whoa, whoa, whoa, buddy. 1.00

00:58:30.000 You are commingling loads here. 1.00

00:58:32.000 That's bad, but how about when they're doing the double vagina thing, and they've got two dicks inside the pussy at the same time? 1.00

00:58:39.000 At that point in time, you're not even fucking a woman anymore. 1.00

00:58:41.000 You're using her vagina as a container so that you can rub dicks. 1.00

00:58:45.000 That's what you're doing. 1.00

00:58:46.000 Yeah, you might as well just get a tennis ball can and lube it up and get your buddy to shove his cock in it. 1.00

00:58:51.000 Yeah, this fucking pussy feels awesome, bro. 1.00

00:58:53.000 I don't even feel your balls against my balls. 1.00

00:58:54.000 It's just this pussy that feels so awesome, man. 1.00

00:58:56.000 You know, I think it takes a lot to be a male porn star. 1.00

00:58:59.000 I think that's the whole thing. 0.71

00:59:00.000 It takes a lot.

00:59:01.000 It takes meth.

00:59:02.000 It takes abuse.

00:59:03.000 It takes a stepfather.

00:59:04.000 I was talking to one guy. 1.00

00:59:05.000 It takes a lot of shit. 0.99

00:59:05.000 And I was like, I don't want to say these names, but I was talking to this one guy, and he goes, I was asking, have you ever met this other porn star? 0.99

00:59:12.000 And he goes, yeah, but you know, something's weird about him.

00:59:14.000 I'm like, why?

00:59:14.000 And he goes, he has his own sewing machine, and he always sews his own clothes, and I don't know, it's just something weird.

00:59:19.000 And I'm like, wait a second, what's going on here?

00:59:21.000 Yeah.

00:59:23.000 That's what's weird.

00:59:24.000 But that's what's weird, is that he has this sewing machine. 1.00

00:59:27.000 You asshole, you like making clothes, you know? 1.00

00:59:30.000 Like, you know, I hear about Adam Carole all the time. 1.00

00:59:32.000 Adam Carole is a fucking carpenter, you know? 0.99

00:59:34.000 Adam Carole does, like, his own extensions on his house and shit, and you do all kinds of crazy work, right? 1.00

00:59:38.000 Yeah, yeah. 0.99

00:59:39.000 Nobody ever says, what the fuck is wrong with him, man? 1.00

00:59:41.000 What is he, sawing shit? 1.00

00:59:42.000 No, people go, wow, that's pretty badass. 1.00

00:59:44.000 Guy makes his own cabinets. 0.98

00:59:46.000 That's pretty fucking cool. 0.89

00:59:47.000 But you hear, guy makes his own clothes. 1.00

00:59:49.000 Like, fuck, you fucking queer. 1.00

00:59:51.000 What, you making your own clothes? 1.00

00:59:52.000 What, you got rhinestones all over him, too? 1.00

00:59:53.000 We got shiny shit on your clothes? 1.00

00:59:55.000 So you're gonna attract some cock? 1.00

00:59:57.000 You know, like, what is that? 0.99

00:59:58.000 It's so weird.

00:59:59.000 We all wear clothes.

01:00:00.000 What is wrong with making clothes?

01:00:02.000 I know.

01:00:02.000 The weird part was having to be like, yeah, that is weird.

01:00:04.000 You have clothes.

01:00:05.000 You have clothes.

01:00:06.000 But if you have a clothing line, then you're cool again, right?

01:00:09.000 You're back.

01:00:10.000 If you make multiple clothes, then you're back.

01:00:11.000 11-year-old Indonesians to make it for you, then it's hip again. 0.99

01:00:14.000 By the way, the higher primate Joey Diaz shirts are sold out.

01:00:17.000 They're sold out instantly.

01:00:18.000 Literally within an hour.

01:00:19.000 Really?

01:00:20.000 All of them sold out except for small.

01:00:22.000 We don't have small fans.

01:00:23.000 Oh.

01:00:24.000 So we need more guidos.

01:00:25.000 More guys wearing small shirts that don't really fit.

01:00:28.000 I got completely obsessed.

01:00:29.000 We're ordering new ones immediately.

01:00:31.000 I got completely obsessed with this guy named Louis Wayne.

01:00:33.000 Have you guys heard of who this guy is?

01:00:35.000 He's an artist from the late 1800s to early 1900s.

01:00:39.000 And the reason why I got obsessed with him is that he... 0.94

01:00:41.000 Oh, he used to spit his jizz at the canvas. 0.59

01:00:43.000 Yeah. 0.90

01:00:44.000 He started getting schizophrenia.

01:00:46.000 And so his whole thing is he used to draw cats.

01:00:49.000 And he used to draw classic cats for like the New York Post or I don't know what.

01:00:53.000 Some famous newspaper.

01:00:54.000 But he started to draw cats and then he started getting really sick.

01:00:57.000 And all his cat pictures started turning into psychedelic DMT art.

01:01:02.000 Oh, I've seen that.

01:01:03.000 I've seen that with Alex Gray.

01:01:05.000 Yeah.

01:01:05.000 I've seen those.

01:01:06.000 It's so interesting.

01:01:08.000 So I just got obsessed with this guy.

01:01:09.000 It's very interesting if you go online and look at it.

01:01:12.000 There's a book also.

01:01:13.000 Well, that's interesting you talk about that. 0.98

01:01:14.000 The neurochemistry of the brain is some fascinating shit.

01:01:17.000 And I've been experimenting recently with nootropics, different things that stimulate the mind, like different supplements for the mind. 0.96

01:01:26.000 And we just started creating one.

01:01:28.000 We've talked about this on the show.

01:01:31.000 I've got a piece of paper here that has all the information on it.

01:01:34.000 You want me to tell another Kareem Abdul-Jabbar story while you're looking for your nootropics?

01:01:38.000 It doesn't matter.

01:01:39.000 I'll have all the information available, but I started taking it.

01:01:42.000 But all the people that are taking it, we've compounded all the best nootropics, put it together, and we're going to release it.

01:01:47.000 Because nobody has a brain formula, a really solid brain formula. 0.92

01:01:51.000 But all these people that are taking it, they're saying their memory's incredible, they're remembering all this weird shit from childhood. 0.99

01:01:56.000 And apparently if you take it right before you go to bed, you have fucking insane dreams. 0.97

01:02:00.000 I started taking it two days ago. 0.96

01:02:01.000 You started taking it?

01:02:02.000 Yeah.

01:02:03.000 You feel it?

01:02:03.000 I do it when I wake up.

01:02:05.000 I guess I should do it when I go to bed.

01:02:06.000 But wait a minute.

01:02:07.000 Is that really a selling point?

01:02:08.000 Because I feel like...

01:02:09.000 Dreams?

01:02:10.000 Yeah, because like when I wake up, the best night's sleep I get is when people go like, what'd you dream about?

01:02:15.000 I'm like, uh...

01:02:17.000 You don't like that?

01:02:18.000 Oh, I love the dreams.

01:02:19.000 Crazy dreams always.

01:02:21.000 My dreams are never...

01:02:22.000 My dreams are rarely good.

01:02:24.000 Really?

01:02:25.000 I have no dreams of grandeur.

01:02:28.000 And they're not even horror stories.

01:02:31.000 They're just sort of boring.

01:02:33.000 Like, I have these super mundane, boring dreams about...

01:02:38.000 Half of them are about high school football.

01:02:40.000 Except for I can't find my equipment and I never get in the game.

01:02:45.000 And the other ones are just sort of shitty jobs where it's like... 0.98

01:02:50.000 One of my dreams would be like, oh, you have this really shitty job and it sucks and you're bored. 0.97

01:02:54.000 And then, oh, there's this hot chick who works at the law firm that you're working at. 1.00

01:02:59.000 And then, but you never fuck her. 1.00

01:03:01.000 And it's like nothing ever happens. 0.99

01:03:03.000 And then I actually wake up and I go, oh man, I'm glad.

01:03:06.000 Like, I'm glad to be awake.

01:03:08.000 Like, whereas a lot of people... 0.97

01:03:10.000 Well, they wake up and they haven't won the Heisman Trophy and they're not fucking Lindsay Lohan and they're disappointed. 0.86

01:03:19.000 I wake up and go, I'm not working at a Circle K and driving my old Mazda pickup truck. 0.95

01:03:25.000 I'm actually relieved.

01:03:27.000 So I have these dreams that don't set me up.

01:03:30.000 I've never had a dream where I feel good.

01:03:33.000 Like, I'm better in my dream than I am in life.

01:03:36.000 That I've done things.

01:03:37.000 You guys need to rent the action movie of dreams.

01:03:39.000 Just get nicotine patches.

01:03:42.000 Rent the action movie of dreams?

01:03:44.000 This is like renting an action movie for dreams.

01:03:46.000 Take a nicotine patch, put it on right before you go to bed. 0.99

01:03:50.000 You'll have fucking Arnold Schwarzenegger-style dreams. 0.99

01:03:53.000 I mean, just fucking insane mysteries and action and helicopters. 0.99

01:03:57.000 Really? 0.98

01:03:57.000 A nicotine patch? 0.98

01:03:58.000 Yeah, because your nicotine receptors in your head stay awake to suck in the nicotine, so your brain's a little bit more awake than normal when you're dreaming. 1.00

01:04:07.000 That's why it says on the box, don't take it, but fuck, it's awesome. 0.99

01:04:09.000 It says don't take it at night because of that. 0.99

01:04:11.000 Because of that.

01:04:12.000 Do you have nightmares or dreams?

01:04:13.000 It's not nightmares. 1.00

01:04:14.000 It's fucking awesome shit. 1.00

01:04:15.000 Like fucking elevators. 1.00

01:04:17.000 Well, nicotine is a confidence-inspiring sort of... 1.00

01:04:19.000 Yeah.

01:04:20.000 Nicotine is a good drug.

01:04:21.000 There should be a...

01:04:22.000 I would lobby the FDA to put two types of don't take this stickers.

01:04:29.000 There's the one where it says, do not take this with alcohol because your liver will explode.

01:04:35.000 And then there's don't take it with alcohol because you'll supersize it.

01:04:39.000 Like you essentially put it into six gear.

01:04:41.000 Now, the ones where I can wash it down with a couple of beers and feel that much better about myself, I'm all for that.

01:04:48.000 But I don't want my liver to explode.

01:04:50.000 Right.

01:04:51.000 But you guys just have one sticker that says, no alcohol.

01:04:54.000 And I want to know which one.

01:04:56.000 Because I'll decide once I get that information.

01:04:59.000 I feel the same way with the don't take at night.

01:05:01.000 Right.

01:05:01.000 Yeah.

01:05:02.000 I highly recommend it, though.

01:05:03.000 Okay.

01:05:03.000 So what level do you take?

01:05:05.000 I always go with level one.

01:05:06.000 What is level one?

01:05:08.000 Level one is your first week of quitting smoking.

01:05:11.000 Oh, so that's super strong.

01:05:12.000 Yeah.

01:05:12.000 I mean, if you just want to have it.

01:05:13.000 But I don't smoke, so what would I go with?

01:05:16.000 Just level one.

01:05:17.000 Really?

01:05:17.000 I'm scared.

01:05:18.000 That's eating like a quarter of mushrooms.

01:05:20.000 Really?

01:05:22.000 Is that strong in dreams?

01:05:23.000 Of dreams.

01:05:24.000 Wow, man.

01:05:24.000 Six hours of feeling like a Jean-Claude Van Damme circus.

01:05:28.000 It's awesome.

01:05:28.000 Tobacco, but people don't understand, tobacco in itself, or nicotine in itself, is not a bad drug.

01:05:33.000 In fact, it's shown to have some benefits as far as people's hearts.

01:05:37.000 It actually is good for your heart. 0.98

01:05:39.000 The real problem comes with smoking it, and the real problem comes with the 599, these government cunts that have allowed these people to put 599 fucking different additives inside cigarettes, most of them designed just to make it more addictive. 0.97

01:05:54.000 If you look at that movie Inside Job, that Russell Crowe movie, which is based on a true story. 0.97

01:05:58.000 What is it?

01:05:59.000 Inside Man?

01:06:00.000 It's close, yeah.

01:06:01.000 Whatever it was.

01:06:03.000 That's what jacks you.

01:06:04.000 Yeah, that was a great movie.

01:06:06.000 That's what jacks you.

01:06:07.000 It's all the chemicals.

01:06:08.000 I'm flashing forward here, Joe.

01:06:11.000 I'm flashing forward.

01:06:13.000 About 30 years.

01:06:15.000 I'm seeing the kids growing out of the house.

01:06:17.000 Wife's long gone. 1.00

01:06:19.000 You're up now.

01:06:20.000 You're in the hills.

01:06:21.000 You're in the hills of Colorado at this point.

01:06:24.000 Podcast still going strong.

01:06:26.000 Strong.

01:06:27.000 This time, several million listeners, mostly in China, but all over the place.

01:06:33.000 And now you're sitting there.

01:06:34.000 Mostly in China.

01:06:35.000 You're sitting there with a full beard, like a full gray beard, and some sort of bizarre marijuana suppository, like all day slow drip thing that just keeps you in a constant buzz, and you're going off about President Bieber.

01:06:53.000 And you're just up there on your pulpit with a crazy beard.

01:06:56.000 You're wearing like three sets of glasses.

01:06:58.000 Like you have the bifocals hanging down.

01:07:00.000 You have the sunglasses up on your head.

01:07:02.000 Your cat's on your lap.

01:07:04.000 And you're just waxing crazy poetic old man talk.

01:07:07.000 Lashing out against the government. 1.00

01:07:09.000 And you're right next to me, motherfucker. 1.00

01:07:10.000 That's right. 1.00

01:07:11.000 You're sitting right across the aisle.

01:07:13.000 And you're like, I'm so glad I got out of California.

01:07:16.000 Oh, now building tips.

01:07:18.000 With a pince scooter.

01:07:19.000 Yeah.

01:07:20.000 That's hilarious, yeah. 0.99

01:07:21.000 You ever wonder what the fuck you're gonna be like when you be 60 or 70 years old? 0.99

01:07:24.000 Do you ever look ahead? 0.99

01:07:25.000 Or do you try to live in the moment?

01:07:28.000 I don't look ahead, nor do I live in the moment.

01:07:32.000 I just sort of am.

01:07:33.000 I'm just an atheist who is.

01:07:35.000 I have the things that I enjoy.

01:07:37.000 I have the people that I enjoy.

01:07:39.000 I do what I do just because that's what I do.

01:07:43.000 I don't really think about things too much.

01:07:48.000 You think about things a lot, though.

01:07:50.000 What do you mean?

01:07:50.000 Well, what I mean is I don't plot things.

01:07:54.000 The future, per se.

01:07:56.000 I just essentially move through it.

01:07:59.000 And I try to do it as efficiently as possible.

01:08:03.000 And I try to maximize whatever I can maximize and whatever my interests are.

01:08:08.000 And financially and that sort of thing.

01:08:10.000 But in general, I'm not a plotter.

01:08:14.000 I'm like, I'm not a down the road or, you know, I have kids, you know, as far as college goes, screw them, they're on their own.

01:08:21.000 Like, like, They'll be fine.

01:08:22.000 They'll either want to go to college or they won't go to college.

01:08:25.000 They'll either be curious or they won't be curious.

01:08:28.000 Hopefully they'll be curious and I'll figure out a way to pay for some of it, but they can pay for some of it too.

01:08:33.000 Like I'm not one of those, oh my God, what's going on next year, guys.

01:08:38.000 And I never have been.

01:08:40.000 And, you know, I've been willing to walk away from, you know, many endeavors just because I figured, well, there's a new adventure around the corner.

01:08:48.000 I don't look forward to it, but I don't fear it either.

01:08:51.000 It's just there, as it was for millions of other people, and it is for millions today.

01:08:57.000 Well, like I said, you were the first guy to jump into this whole podcast thing, and you went right at it right away.

01:09:03.000 What was your thinking?

01:09:04.000 Like, after your radio show was done, I know you were real frustrated by your whole experience doing that radio show.

01:09:10.000 Right.

01:09:10.000 And then after it was done, did you just say, let's see where this goes?

01:09:13.000 Because the podcast scene was not anything.

01:09:16.000 I mean, how long have you been doing your podcast now?

01:09:18.000 Oh, almost two and a half years.

01:09:20.000 Coming up on two and a half years.

01:09:22.000 Two and a half years ago, man. 0.99

01:09:23.000 Who the fuck had a podcast? 0.99

01:09:24.000 Right. 1.00

01:09:25.000 I did yours. 1.00

01:09:26.000 Shit, I don't remember. 0.99

01:09:27.000 It was right after your show had closed. 0.99

01:09:30.000 And I remember thinking, wow, maybe I could do this.

01:09:32.000 Maybe this is something.

01:09:33.000 I was doing too many different things at the time, but I was like, wow, this is so much fun. 0.98

01:09:37.000 How cool would it be to just have a place where you could just sit down and shoot the shit with your friends and put that out? 0.98

01:09:42.000 Is it going to be real? 1.00

01:09:43.000 Right.

01:09:43.000 Well, you know...

01:09:44.000 What was your thinking after your show?

01:09:46.000 Tell us, what was it like?

01:09:47.000 What was the radio show like when it was canceled and, you know, when the whole station...

01:09:51.000 Wouldn't it become a Mexican station or something?

01:09:53.000 What happened?

01:09:53.000 No, it became like Britney Spears, Lady Gaga, Top 40. 97.1 became a Mexican station, right?

01:10:02.000 I don't know.

01:10:04.000 I still think they're playing Lady Gaga stuff, but who cares?

01:10:11.000 One or the other, both mind-numbing. 0.99

01:10:13.000 One is mind-numbing to people who speak Spanish, mind-numbing to people who speak English, but they're mind-fucking-numbing. 1.00

01:10:20.000 Music, both sides. 0.99

01:10:21.000 The point is, well, what happened is they said to me, in a sort of weird mindfuck, they said, hey, listen, we're going to fold the station out.

01:10:34.000 Now, for those who, you know, don't know, I replaced Howard Stern on the West Coast.

01:10:41.000 A guy named Rover did it in the Midwest, and then David Lee Roth did it in New York.

01:10:47.000 When the change came about.

01:10:49.000 The David Lee Roth experiment ended super fast.

01:10:53.000 And the rover thing ended fairly quickly.

01:10:56.000 And then I was around.

01:10:58.000 And I was doing well.

01:11:01.000 were getting I got bonuses in LA toward the end and I would always get bonuses in Vegas and Seattle and Portland and stuff like that.

01:11:10.000 We were you know, we had our ups and downs for sure, but it had smoothed out and we're doing well.

01:11:15.000 And they and when I say well, I don't mean conquering the world.

01:11:20.000 I just mean holding our own, getting solid ratings and getting getting the occasional bonus for being number one.

01:11:26.000 And they flip the format.

01:11:29.000 They just figured out, look, why are we paying all these guys millions of dollars to talk when we can just play the aforementioned Lady Gaga and just make the same revenue?

01:11:36.000 And it's a business decision.

01:11:37.000 I'm completely cool with it.

01:11:39.000 I understand.

01:11:40.000 People are always like, aren't you pissed off? 1.00

01:11:42.000 Fuck no. 1.00

01:11:43.000 It's their job. 1.00

01:11:44.000 I had a contract.

01:11:45.000 They paid me out the rest of the year for not doing anything.

01:11:48.000 And it's completely their prerogative.

01:11:51.000 I get pissed off at personal stuff.

01:11:53.000 I get pissed off when somebody does something intentionally.

01:11:55.000 When the super selfish old neighbor next door says, I would rather watch Jeopardy!

01:12:01.000 and Peace than have...

01:12:02.000 150 people celebrate the ringing in of the new year. 0.99

01:12:06.000 That's a personal bullshit thing. 0.97

01:12:08.000 When it's business, it's just business. 0.99

01:12:10.000 I understand it.

01:12:11.000 So they were going to flip it, but they said to me, two months before they were going to blow up the whole station, they said, we're going to send you to New York.

01:12:22.000 You're going to the number one market, and we want you to take over in New York.

01:12:27.000 But shh, don't tell anybody.

01:12:29.000 You cannot tell anyone because nobody here knows the radio station's being blown up.

01:12:35.000 And the way radio works is they don't give you two weeks notice.

01:12:40.000 You finish your shift, you walk off the air, and the guy says, go get that box with the weird cardboard handles carved into it.

01:12:47.000 You're leaving.

01:12:47.000 And they do it for a reason.

01:12:49.000 They don't want you going back on the air going, fuck this station, fuck Jack Silver, fuck these cocksuckers, these fucking guys. 1.00

01:12:57.000 They know it. 1.00

01:12:59.000 And most DJs are nuts, and that's what half of them will do. 0.97

01:13:02.000 So they told me two months in advance, we're flipping. 0.98

01:13:05.000 You're going to New York, and we're flipping.

01:13:08.000 Don't say anything.

01:13:09.000 So it was this horrible two months for me where it'd be like January, and my producer would come up to me and go, oh, the Wynn Hotel wants us to come back for March Madness and do a special live show at the casino.

01:13:23.000 And I'd be like, yeah, alright.

01:13:26.000 And she'd go, so you want to set that up?

01:13:28.000 And I'd be like, ah, nah, just hold off.

01:13:32.000 Well, they want an answer. 1.00

01:13:34.000 Alright, well then, fuck it. 1.00

01:13:35.000 Go ahead and do it. 1.00

01:13:36.000 It was like, I knew everything was coming to an end and we were talking about shit to do over the summer and stuff like that. 0.83

01:13:42.000 And so it was really weird having these conversations.

01:13:45.000 It's like knowing you're going to get divorced and your wife's making vacation plans for the end of the summer and you're going to serve her papers in two weeks.

01:13:53.000 It's like time travel.

01:13:54.000 And you're like, she's going, you think Acapulco would be awesome or should we go to Honolulu?

01:13:58.000 And you're like, whatever.

01:14:01.000 Doesn't matter to me.

01:14:03.000 And so, at the very end, they said to me, by the way, you're not going to New York, and we are still blowing up the station.

01:14:14.000 And I was like, oh, alright.

01:14:16.000 So, that was the end of that.

01:14:18.000 You were going to go to New York?

01:14:19.000 I didn't know.

01:14:20.000 I had no idea at that point.

01:14:23.000 There are no jobs in radio.

01:14:24.000 There's no way to monetize a podcast.

01:14:27.000 I don't know what a podcast is.

01:14:29.000 I'm not doing live shows at that stage of my career.

01:14:33.000 I got nothing going on in a pretty big monthly nut. 1.00

01:14:36.000 And not as big as the one you toss at the wall for the folks who come into the Motel 6 to enjoy shortly after you vacate your room, you sick fuck. 1.00

01:14:44.000 But it's still a pretty good sized nut. 1.00

01:14:46.000 Right.

01:14:46.000 So I'm sitting there wondering what to do and my buddy goes, podcast.

01:14:51.000 And I was like, well, how the fuck's that work? 0.93

01:14:53.000 Which buddy? 0.98

01:14:54.000 Donnie at the warehouse.

01:14:56.000 He says, podcast.

01:14:57.000 And I said, how's it work?

01:14:57.000 He said, you speak your opinion and you and I are the same way.

01:15:00.000 We like to hear ourselves talk and we have opinions. 1.00

01:15:04.000 And so I said, yeah, fuck it. 0.99

01:15:06.000 And I found out I said, well, how much do you think this is going to cost? 1.00

01:15:10.000 He said, you buy two microphones and a laptop and, oh, and then a little bit for bandwidth.

01:15:17.000 And I said, well, how much?

01:15:19.000 Oh, it's like, I don't know, 500 bucks a month or something.

01:15:21.000 And I was like, oh, I guess I could afford that.

01:15:24.000 Let's try it.

01:15:25.000 And then it was like nine grand for the first month of bandwidth. 0.98

01:15:29.000 And I was like, holy shit. 0.89

01:15:31.000 And so it got down to me spending like a hundred grand out of my own pocket just to do it pro bono with the notion that one day it might turn into a business. 0.97

01:15:41.000 And that's really the process we're in right now.

01:15:45.000 Wow.

01:15:45.000 So how did you go about, I mean, you have like this giant staff, this huge, you have a big room and all these employees working and people working video switches.

01:15:56.000 And how did you go about finding all these people and putting everything together?

01:16:00.000 Most of the people would hear the podcast and just go like, hey man, I'm digging what you're doing, and I'm a whatever student, and I work for seven bucks an hour, and could I come down there?

01:16:11.000 They just want to be a part of something, just in a sort of organic kind of way.

01:16:15.000 I'm sure you've gotten your offers.

01:16:16.000 Yeah, if I didn't have a podcast in my house, that would be much more compelling.

01:16:19.000 But the problem is, it's in my house. 0.93

01:16:21.000 I'm not some fucking weirdo off the internet. 0.95

01:16:22.000 That's how I met this guy. 0.98

01:16:23.000 Right.

01:16:24.000 That's what I'm saying. 1.00

01:16:25.000 You don't need another jizzlinger in your fucking... 1.00

01:16:28.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:16:29.000 So you had no idea when you first started doing it that it would ever become what it is now.

01:16:34.000 You were just trying to figure it out and just do it and see what it became.

01:16:38.000 I never have any ideas about anything before they are what they are.

01:16:44.000 I just embark upon the journey.

01:16:48.000 I don't really look that far down the road.

01:16:51.000 I mean, I'm not going to walk off a cliff.

01:16:53.000 I trust that I'm moving in the right direction.

01:16:57.000 Have expectations and, you know, I have notions.

01:17:01.000 Well, you know, it's sort of like this.

01:17:04.000 It's sort of, you know, I probably got it a lot from building.

01:17:08.000 Because building is a process that goes from shitty to good.

01:17:12.000 Which is to say the first part of building is, you know, permits and applications.

01:17:18.000 And you cutting checks to the city for nothing.

01:17:21.000 And inspectors and plan inspection and all that kind of stuff.

01:17:28.000 And it's nothing.

01:17:29.000 It's just a bunch of money and a bunch of papers.

01:17:31.000 You have nothing.

01:17:31.000 And then you start demoing and digging stuff up and, you know, digging footings and grade beams and blah, blah, blah, and putting in rebar and waiting for concrete and all that.

01:17:41.000 But still, it's nothing.

01:17:42.000 There's no shape to it.

01:17:43.000 It's just a hole in the ground and you're literally dumping money into this hole in the ground.

01:17:48.000 But then at a certain point, the cement dries and you strip away the forms and you start to frame.

01:17:53.000 And when you start to frame, you get to actually see the shape of the structure start to unfold before your eyes.

01:18:00.000 But it's still like it's wide open.

01:18:03.000 It doesn't keep the cold out or the heat in or anything.

01:18:05.000 But you can start to imagine about what it might be like to put down that hardwood flooring and to see all the cool top-notch Viking stoves and sub-zeros going into the kitchen and all that.

01:18:18.000 Well, that's the part you look forward to. 0.98

01:18:20.000 But if you're Closing your eyes and picturing your new Viking stove arriving, when you're forming your slab, you're going to fuck up your slab. 0.97

01:18:31.000 Just focus on the form.

01:18:33.000 And know that you'll get to the Viking one day, but for now, you're just forming.

01:18:40.000 Heavy.

01:18:40.000 That is heavy.

01:18:42.000 That's heavy and correct.

01:18:43.000 I mean, that's being in the moment, you know?

01:18:46.000 You sort of have an idea that it's eventually going to come together.

01:18:50.000 But right now you're just framing it.

01:18:52.000 If it doesn't, it doesn't.

01:18:54.000 But let me just form the best way I can form today.

01:18:57.000 Yeah, I don't really plan things out that much either.

01:18:59.000 I mean, we didn't plan this out.

01:19:01.000 We started this out on a laptop. 0.91

01:19:03.000 Literally, we're just sitting right in front of one of these and we had fucking snowflakes coming down on the Ustream broadcast and we fucked around with music and all kinds of different things. 0.53

01:19:11.000 And then eventually we figured out how to do it the way we're doing it now. 0.88

01:19:14.000 But it's still evolving.

01:19:16.000 But for us, it's been the best tool ever for getting people to come into the clubs.

01:19:21.000 And that's one of the things that you've done to sort of monetize it.

01:19:24.000 You've started doing live podcasts and then live stand-up.

01:19:27.000 And I remember when we did the improv together, the Irvine Improv, was one of the first times, I think, or the first time you had ever done stand-up in like fucking 10-plus years. 0.99

01:19:37.000 And killed. 0.99

01:19:38.000 You went out there and killed, and you did it like you'd been doing it all along. 0.99

01:19:42.000 It was pretty fun. 0.90

01:19:43.000 It was pretty fun to watch.

01:19:45.000 Yeah, it always sort of maybe had it in me, but I never pursued it.

01:19:49.000 I remember talking to you when we did Loveline fucking many, many years ago, and you were telling me, eh, stand up, the audience.

01:19:55.000 I didn't like the audiences. 0.93

01:19:56.000 I didn't like, you know...

01:19:58.000 I didn't like it.

01:19:59.000 I didn't like it.

01:20:00.000 And I was like, wow, that doesn't make any sense to me because you're funny and you like to rant on things.

01:20:04.000 You just condense that, package it, put it on stage.

01:20:06.000 I mean, it is what it is.

01:20:07.000 The rush of making 300 people plus laugh when you're killing in front of a large crowd.

01:20:13.000 How could you not enjoy that?

01:20:15.000 It's weird because I get less out of that than I get out of what we're doing right now.

01:20:21.000 Really?

01:20:22.000 Yeah, because that's an environment And you get the energy of the environment, but right now there's somebody with earbuds in each ear and they're either walking their dog or they're walking on a treadmill or they're walking their dog on a treadmill, which would be fun.

01:20:39.000 And what we're saying is penetrating deep.

01:20:41.000 And that's more of a party where you're just kind of getting caught up into it.

01:20:46.000 Yeah.

01:20:46.000 Versus a serious deep penetration.

01:20:49.000 And I'm really interested in just sort of taking my ideas and inserting them into you more than I am sort of entertaining you, so to speak.

01:20:59.000 You know what I mean?

01:21:00.000 That's interesting.

01:21:01.000 So why did you start doing stand-up then?

01:21:03.000 Just to monetize?

01:21:03.000 I just did it for the money.

01:21:05.000 And I did it.

01:21:07.000 And, you know, it's funny because people do that thing where they go, hey, why'd you do this?

01:21:11.000 Or why'd you do that?

01:21:12.000 And the answer is for the money.

01:21:15.000 But it doesn't mean I don't dig it, and it doesn't mean especially, you know, because I've had this problem in the past where I said, look...

01:21:25.000 I'm going out to Kansas City, Milwaukee, and one more place.

01:21:31.000 Wiltern Theater.

01:21:32.000 Oh, Wiltern Theater in May, and so on and so forth, and Portland and wherever.

01:21:38.000 And if someone said, hey, you want to come out and do a show for free, the answer would be no.

01:21:42.000 So thus, the answer is, I'm doing it for the money.

01:21:46.000 I mean, sad, but it's true.

01:21:49.000 It's not sad.

01:21:49.000 Now, here's the deal.

01:21:51.000 It doesn't mean I'm not going to fucking show up and kick ass. 1.00

01:21:55.000 As a matter of fact, if I was doing it for free, I'd just pull up a stool and go Charlie Sheen on your ass. 1.00

01:22:01.000 I don't do that. 0.99

01:22:03.000 I realize that everyone who's there paid 40, 50, 60 bucks for a ticket. 0.98

01:22:06.000 We're in a theater and I'm going to fucking burn some calories. 0.95

01:22:09.000 I sweat through a t-shirt for you guys telling jokes and trying to amuse you for 90 minutes. 0.99

01:22:16.000 Would I rather be home watching my TiVo high?

01:22:19.000 Yes.

01:22:20.000 Yes.

01:22:22.000 Am I doing it for the money?

01:22:24.000 Yes.

01:22:24.000 Am I also doing it because I just have the ability to do it?

01:22:27.000 I mean, it comes easily to me.

01:22:30.000 I'm not trying to sound like a douchebag, but it's like a sport.

01:22:33.000 It's not a grinder for me.

01:22:37.000 What you do on the podcast, I mean, you can't say it comes easy to you.

01:22:41.000 I mean, you can, but I mean, the reason why it comes easy to you is because you're doing, it's like someone who does all this power lifting and plyometrics and throws medicine balls around, and then someone teaches you how to choke somebody, and I'm like, wow, jujitsu came pretty easy to me. 1.00

01:22:59.000 Well, that's because you're a fucking crazy physical specimen, you fuck. 0.99

01:23:02.000 And like with you, what you're doing is you're constantly ranting and constantly piecing together ideas and constantly pointing out things that don't... 1.00

01:23:09.000 That's stand-up.

01:23:10.000 You're doing stand-up.

01:23:11.000 You're right.

01:23:11.000 And it is a muscle that gets exercised.

01:23:14.000 But either way...

01:23:15.000 When we go do a show, I'm not pacing around in my hotel room, you know, nervous, ducking salvos of jizz that Brian throws.

01:23:26.000 It's easy for me when I do it.

01:23:29.000 And so you get paid well.

01:23:31.000 It comes easily. 0.99

01:23:33.000 And why the fuck not? 0.98

01:23:34.000 I've actually been enjoying it in this weird sort of... 0.99

01:23:40.000 Curious case of Benjamin Buttons where I've been going backwards.

01:23:46.000 I started off on TV and I'm discovering my stand-up in my 40s, which is insane because everyone else starts off in stand-up and gets away from it.

01:23:56.000 And you've only been doing stand-up for about a year now, right?

01:23:59.000 Yeah.

01:24:00.000 It's about a year.

01:24:01.000 But you've already put together a full hour.

01:24:03.000 Ninety minutes.

01:24:04.000 Ninety minutes.

01:24:05.000 And you're out there crashing.

01:24:07.000 That's amazing.

01:24:07.000 Are you writing this stuff down, or these are just rants that you categorize?

01:24:12.000 The rants that I categorize, and I sort of have cues that help me figure out what it is I want to say.

01:24:18.000 And then it doesn't come out exactly the same every night either.

01:24:21.000 Right, of course, yeah.

01:24:24.000 Yeah, and I sort of mix and match.

01:24:27.000 I guess it'd be like a jam band that had a bunch of songs and changed the set list up on a nightly basis, and maybe they'd never get that good on one song, but yet they could freeform if they had to, and they would never get boring for them because they're constantly mixing the set up.

01:24:45.000 Sort of that with me.

01:24:47.000 I never do my set the exact same way every time either.

01:24:50.000 I mix things up all the time.

01:24:52.000 I know pretty much before I go on stage what I'm going to get into right away, but I always leave the door open for something else.

01:24:59.000 I always leave the door open.

01:25:00.000 If I get on stage, and for whatever reason, this thought pops in my head, I'll run with that, and then eventually get to the planned opening.

01:25:06.000 And then once I get the first bit out of the way, it's more important to me to get that one solid chunk, just get that out tight and smack.

01:25:15.000 And then once that's out and everyone's laughing, then we're going to go wherever. 0.99

01:25:20.000 Then the ball's moving, the momentum's going, let's go wherever the fuck we want to go. 0.96

01:25:24.000 I'm the same way.

01:25:25.000 It's like that first 20 minutes, you just want to be solid, you want to get everyone on your side, and just get that first 20, for me it's like 20-25 minutes, and then it's like, alright, we've established this.

01:25:37.000 Now we have some room for lateral movement.

01:25:41.000 I'm really big on that with opening acts, too. 0.98

01:25:45.000 I always tell them when guys open up for me, I say the best thing you can do out there is don't fuck around in the beginning. 0.96

01:25:52.000 Don't try a new bit out when you first get on stage. 0.99

01:25:54.000 This is a cold audience, okay?

01:25:57.000 A lot of guys that are on the road, like I take guys on the road with me, They're used to doing sets in Hollywood, and they're used to going up and doing 10-15 minute sets when there's a host and a bunch of other people on the show.

01:26:07.000 I'm like, this is a different experience, man.

01:26:08.000 These are people who don't know who you are, who are coming to see me.

01:26:11.000 So they're willing to let you be funny, but you've got to go out there and go tight right away.

01:26:17.000 You've got to gain their confidence.

01:26:18.000 It's the most important thing if people don't know who you are.

01:26:21.000 Gain their confidence right away.

01:26:22.000 You've got to do solid, tight material right up front. 0.99

01:26:25.000 Get them laughing and go, alright, this guy's a fucking pro. 0.97

01:26:28.000 And then they relax and they settle in. 0.99

01:26:29.000 They have a smile on their face and they're looking forward to hearing you.

01:26:31.000 And then you're smooth.

01:26:33.000 Then smooth sailing. 0.99

01:26:34.000 But if you start off chunky and fucked up, then you've got to constantly re-earn their respect. 0.99

01:26:42.000 You'll struggle through your entire set. 0.99

01:26:44.000 It's like going out on a first date by shoving your cop through the mail slot.

01:26:52.000 Save it for the third date.

01:26:54.000 Let's get the confidence. 0.97

01:26:55.000 Save it for when she loves you and she knows you're crazy.

01:26:57.000 Let's get the confidence level up.

01:26:58.000 There's a video, I watched it online, but it's apparently pulled from YouTube, but I saw it the other night.

01:27:02.000 It's HBO's Talking Funny.

01:27:05.000 It's Louis C.K., Ricky Gervais, Chris Rock, and Jerry Seinfeld.

01:27:09.000 Oh, right, right, right. 0.98

01:27:09.000 It's fucking great, man. 0.98

01:27:12.000 I'm pursuing this now. 0.98

01:27:14.000 It's one of the reasons why I've always thought that this podcast, in and of itself, could be a television show.

01:27:19.000 I was trying to pitch a show based around the podcast, but the show that I was pitching, it was like really produced, and there was all these little segments that we would do every week.

01:27:29.000 And then I thought about it, and I'm like, "I don't like that." I'm like, "I like the idea of a podcast "because I like the idea of people sitting around "and talking about interesting shit, "and it's fun and amusing to watch." And it was proof positive to me watching that talking funny thing, 'cause it was just four comics sitting around talking about stand-up, and it was fucking great, man.

01:27:49.000 Especially Louis C.K., man. 0.93

01:27:50.000 Him and Chris Rock, but Louis C.K. especially, he's my number one inspiration right now.

01:27:56.000 That guy is...

01:27:57.000 I love what he does.

01:27:59.000 I mean, stand-up-wise, material-wise, my favorite guy is Stanhope.

01:28:03.000 I think Stanhope is... 0.94

01:28:04.000 To me, he's fucking fully out there. 1.00

01:28:08.000 He really is a wild fuck getting drunk every night. 1.00

01:28:12.000 He lives in Bisbee, Arizona, in a house. 1.00

01:28:14.000 Doug Stanhope.

01:28:15.000 When you first said Stanhope, I thought there was a dude named Stanhope.

01:28:19.000 Like Bob Hope's grandson is doing stand-up now?

01:28:22.000 I'm sorry, I'm preaching to the converted.

01:28:24.000 Stanhope.

01:28:24.000 To the choir.

01:28:25.000 Yeah, Doug Stanhope. 0.99

01:28:26.000 Because, you know, Stanhope has a fucking house and the windowsills on the outside of the house are painted lopsided. 1.00

01:28:32.000 He's fucking crazy. 1.00

01:28:33.000 His house is like bright yellow. 1.00

01:28:35.000 He's with green and shit. 1.00

01:28:37.000 And he's a nut. 1.00

01:28:38.000 He literally is that guy. 0.98

01:28:40.000 He's not an...

01:28:41.000 He's not faking.

01:28:42.000 He does all his shows in rock clubs. 0.99

01:28:44.000 He sells all of his tickets on brownpaperbag.com or whatever the fuck it is. 0.98

01:28:49.000 Brown paper tickets. 0.89

01:28:50.000 So everything is all produced in-house.

01:28:53.000 Everything he does is all him.

01:28:54.000 He doesn't go through any other normal channels.

01:28:56.000 He has all of his fans.

01:28:58.000 They show up and see him all over the world. 1.00

01:28:59.000 And he goes on these fucking drunken Jagerbomb rants. 0.99

01:29:03.000 And they're fucking awesome. 0.99

01:29:05.000 I mean, his stand-up to me, his material to me as a fan. 0.92

01:29:11.000 Joey Diaz is still, I think, the funniest guy.

01:29:14.000 And if I'm gonna watch a ten minute set of anybody on the planet, I would watch Joey Diaz. 0.70

01:29:18.000 Because Joey Diaz, when Joey Diaz crushes, when he really fucking slams at home, nobody's funnier than him.

01:29:24.000 But as far as like a long set, Stan Hope is the man for me.

01:29:27.000 I enjoy his material.

01:29:28.000 But I really enjoy Louis C.K. I enjoy his material as well.

01:29:34.000 I think he's a brilliant comedian.

01:29:36.000 But I really enjoy his work ethic.

01:29:38.000 I really enjoy his philosophy on stand-up.

01:29:40.000 And how he breaks it down.

01:29:41.000 I find it, as a comic, I find it so inspiring because he throws away his whole act every year.

01:29:46.000 He writes a whole act, he writes a full hour, hour and whatever minutes, films it for whatever, Showtime or HBO, who the fuck wants to buy it, and then he throws it out and starts from scratch.

01:29:56.000 And because of that, because everybody knows that he does that, he's got this massively loyal following.

01:30:02.000 People can't wait to come and see him because they know, hey, we saw Louie last year.

01:30:05.000 You think he's going to be doing the same material? 0.99

01:30:07.000 Fuck no. 0.99

01:30:07.000 He's not going to be doing the same material. 0.99

01:30:09.000 It's going to be all new. 0.99

01:30:10.000 And maybe if you yell out bag of dicks, he'll do his bag of dicks joke. 1.00

01:30:15.000 But for the most part, this guy's got 90 new fucking minutes every 12 months. 1.00

01:30:19.000 And to me, man, that's just... 0.99

01:30:21.000 I hear shit like that and I get fired up. 0.99

01:30:23.000 I want to sit in front of the keyboard. 0.99

01:30:24.000 I want to start writing.

01:30:25.000 It gets me jazzed up.

01:30:27.000 I get tired, actually.

01:30:29.000 Yeah.

01:30:30.000 I don't know anyone's stand-up act.

01:30:33.000 I've never seen anyone's stand-up act. 0.98

01:30:35.000 I don't know what the fuck's going on. 0.98

01:30:37.000 You don't watch guys? 0.99

01:30:38.000 I've never followed stand-up.

01:30:39.000 Really?

01:30:39.000 I have no interest in it.

01:30:41.000 Oh, that's so funny. 1.00

01:30:42.000 I'm an idiot. 1.00

01:30:43.000 I just watch Hitler and Color, and then I just watch Ultimate Factories. 1.00

01:30:49.000 I'm such a gearhead.

01:30:50.000 Really?

01:30:51.000 I have no interest in comedy. 0.99

01:30:54.000 Why don't Top Gear, why don't they fucking snatch you up? 1.00

01:30:57.000 Fire one of those fucking... 1.00

01:30:58.000 I'm working on a show for... 1.00

01:31:00.000 Fire everyone who's not Adam Ferrara.

01:31:02.000 As we're speaking, but it's weird.

01:31:04.000 I have such a gearhead brain that the second I'm done doing any comedy, my mind shifts to vintage race cars, and I never think about comedy.

01:31:13.000 That's hilarious.

01:31:14.000 Wow.

01:31:15.000 I don't dislike comedy or anything.

01:31:17.000 I just have no idea what's going on.

01:31:18.000 I don't know any of the comedians.

01:31:20.000 I've never seen their act.

01:31:21.000 That's crazy.

01:31:22.000 Do you worry about, like, parallel thinking, though, because of that?

01:31:24.000 Do you worry about, like, going on this long rant, and then you find out, oh, that's on Patton Oswalt's second CD? Oh, it happens.

01:31:31.000 It's gotta happen.

01:31:32.000 Like, I mean, I was just watching SNL a couple of weeks ago, and Zach Galifianakis got up there, and he said something that I'd said on Stern's show and on my radio show, you know, ten years ago.

01:31:44.000 And it was almost the exact joke that I... I don't think he ripped me off.

01:31:49.000 That motherfucker. 1.00

01:31:50.000 Don't blame Brody Stevens. 1.00

01:31:51.000 If you're going to name a body spray called Axe, there's going to be a joke about it that involves the black community. 0.97

01:32:01.000 And I And I just happened to say it on Stern and, you know, when Acts came out.

01:32:08.000 But I don't think that Zach Galifianakis was listening.

01:32:12.000 It could have very easily been that SNL did it, that those writers did it.

01:32:16.000 There's a huge issue with monologue writers.

01:32:18.000 No, that was definitely, that was his act.

01:32:19.000 I could tell he was doing...

01:32:22.000 His stand-up.

01:32:23.000 Really?

01:32:24.000 Well, like, you know, that thing where you go, look, you want to host SNL. I've never hosted SNL, but you want to host SNL, and you say to a comedian, and instead of collecting a bunch of jokes from guys who don't really know your voice, you just go, fuck it, I'll do my, I'll do a real familiar five minutes of my act at the top. 0.77

01:32:41.000 I know it, I'm confident with it, and then we'll get into the rest of the show.

01:32:44.000 That's what it felt like to me.

01:32:45.000 Do you have any desire to host SNL? No, I don't.

01:32:48.000 I wish I did, but I don't.

01:32:51.000 It just seems like something that doesn't have to do with cars or building to me.

01:32:56.000 Wow, that's hilarious.

01:32:57.000 You're that much into it.

01:32:59.000 That's all I think about, really.

01:33:00.000 I don't have any desire to host SNL. SNL to me is like, you gotta eat 99 pounds of shit to find that one juicy steak at the bottom of it. 0.99

01:33:08.000 Right. 1.00

01:33:08.000 Oh, there's a juicy 16-ounce T-bone at the bottom of all this shit that I had to eat. 1.00

01:33:12.000 I think it's more of a jelly belly, but yeah. 0.99

01:33:14.000 Has Dr. Drew ever talked to you about addiction of cars?

01:33:17.000 Because that is an addiction.

01:33:18.000 And you probably spend a lot of money on it.

01:33:20.000 Yeah, but what is the difference between an addiction and an interest that you get enjoyment out of that's positive?

01:33:25.000 I think when people throw around that word addiction all the time.

01:33:28.000 I can tell you what the definition is.

01:33:29.000 Go ahead.

01:33:31.000 It's continuing in that activity in the face of adversity.

01:33:39.000 And it's like essentially, if your wife says, I'm going to leave you, if you keep up with fill in the blank, you know, if your boss says he's going to fire you, if you keep up with the...

01:33:50.000 Booze drinking or the pill popping or the jizz tossing or whatever you're doing.

01:33:56.000 And you keep doing it.

01:33:57.000 And then you lose your job.

01:33:59.000 And then you get divorced.

01:34:00.000 And then you lose your home.

01:34:01.000 That's addiction.

01:34:04.000 And there's such things as functional addicts as well.

01:34:07.000 But the real sort of definition is...

01:34:10.000 Is it ruining your quality of life?

01:34:12.000 Or do you like cars more than you like your job or your wife?

01:34:17.000 That's a possibility as well.

01:34:18.000 I do think about them more, but I also understand that it makes me work.

01:34:24.000 Right, because you need to fund this habit.

01:34:27.000 I want the car, and I want the garage, and I want the whatever, so I have to fund the habit.

01:34:31.000 Just like a junkie has to steal stereo.

01:34:33.000 The first person that ever...

01:34:34.000 I was dating a girl in New York.

01:34:35.000 It was the first person that ever told me that I had an addiction, and that was pool.

01:34:38.000 I was playing pool eight to ten hours a day.

01:34:40.000 Oh, really?

01:34:40.000 Yeah, I was playing in tournaments.

01:34:42.000 I got obsessed.

01:34:43.000 I tore my ACL ligament, and I couldn't do taekwondo.

01:34:46.000 I couldn't kickbox for a while.

01:34:47.000 I had to get reconstructive surgery and the whole deal.

01:34:49.000 And a buddy of mine and I started playing pool.

01:34:53.000 And it started out just knocking balls around. 0.76

01:34:55.000 Two retards had played in a bar before. 1.00

01:34:57.000 No, I didn't know how to play.

01:34:58.000 And then I met guys that really could play.

01:35:01.000 And when you watch real pool plays, you watch them, and you go, oh, it's about gambling.

01:35:04.000 They're gambling, and there's money on the line.

01:35:06.000 And then it's about tournaments.

01:35:07.000 And then, you know, you get to see pros play.

01:35:09.000 And I just became obsessed with these balls moving around on this cloth and the fact that you have to figure out exactly how hard to hit the ball to make it collide with this other ball.

01:35:21.000 And you got to judge the angle.

01:35:22.000 And it became a massive obsession.

01:35:24.000 And the girl of Dayton said, you have to choose.

01:35:27.000 You have to choose between me or Poole.

01:35:29.000 And I said, rack them up.

01:35:30.000 I had the same thing with foosball, but I've been there.

01:35:34.000 I'm not saying it wasn't as bad, but it was seven, eight hours.

01:35:37.000 Foosball does not rule. 1.00

01:35:38.000 I love fucking food. 0.99

01:35:39.000 Do you have your own foosball table? 1.00

01:35:40.000 I play alone.

01:35:44.000 Because that's really all you're really battling in life is yourself.

01:35:48.000 You know what I mean?

01:35:49.000 I love foosball.

01:35:50.000 Foosball alone.

01:35:51.000 What a concept.

01:35:54.000 That's the only addiction that I've ever had.

01:35:56.000 Well, and pool again, when I was in Hollywood, when I first came to LA, I didn't have any friends.

01:36:00.000 So the first thing I started doing was just entering pool tournaments.

01:36:03.000 I was like, well, now I know what I'm going to do on Friday night.

01:36:05.000 If I don't have a set somewhere, I'm going to go enter a pool tournament.

01:36:08.000 I'm going to find a pool hall to play.

01:36:09.000 And then Sussman pulled me aside and said, I think you're concentrating on Poole more than your own career.

01:36:14.000 It was true. 0.75

01:36:15.000 I wasn't writing any jokes. 0.97

01:36:16.000 I was just fucking practicing running out. 0.95

01:36:18.000 I was just going over patterns in my head and watching Accustat's tapes of classic Johnny Archer versus Earl Strickland matches from the early 90s. 0.96

01:36:27.000 Dissecting his run out.

01:36:29.000 Plus, it was affecting his comedy because I caught him back in the day and he'd be like, Alright, so anyway, this dude's playing a Brunswick with a pretty fast felt.

01:36:37.000 And he goes for the bridge.

01:36:40.000 Felt?

01:36:40.000 I don't know.

01:36:41.000 You fucked up with felt. 0.98

01:36:44.000 Felt revealed yourself. 1.00

01:36:45.000 Oh man, I gotta pee, Joe. 0.58

01:36:47.000 What the hell time is it?

01:36:48.000 There's a bathroom right there, man. 0.90

01:36:49.000 Go in there and take a laugh.

01:36:50.000 It is 448. You have to bolt?

01:36:52.000 Yeah, I do.

01:36:54.000 I gotta go.

01:36:54.000 I gotta try to beat my warehouse in like the next 25 minutes.

01:36:59.000 Okay.

01:36:59.000 Well, you know what we're going to do?

01:37:01.000 We're going to pause it and Brian and I will come out.

01:37:03.000 We'll close it out because we're going to do another half an hour because we usually do about two hours.

01:37:06.000 But thank you very much for doing the podcast, man.

01:37:09.000 Like I said, if it wasn't for you and doing your podcast, I probably never would have started this thing in the first place.

01:37:15.000 You're one of my favorite dudes to talk to.

01:37:16.000 You're one of my favorite guys to go on your show because you've always got a unique and interesting perspective that I might not have ever considered.

01:37:24.000 Sure.

01:37:25.000 There's not a lot of guys like that out there, man.

01:37:27.000 And what Brian Cowen said about you really is true.

01:37:30.000 You truly are the best at going on these crazy rants that lead to conclusions. 0.99

01:37:36.000 Like, I'll start rants off, but then 10 minutes into my rant, I'll be like, what the fuck are we even talking about, man? 0.99

01:37:40.000 Fire up that vaporizer, you know? 0.92

01:37:42.000 But you'll actually come to conclusions on them.

01:37:46.000 You're a very unique cat, man.

01:37:47.000 The whole thing that you're doing with stand-up and the thing that you're doing with your podcast, it's great stuff, man.

01:37:52.000 Thanks.

01:37:52.000 Thank you very much for being on the show.

01:37:54.000 Thank you.

01:37:54.000 So that's it for Adam Carolla.

01:37:55.000 Adam Carolla's show at the Wiltern is May 21st.

01:38:00.000 May 21st.

01:38:00.000 Is this a live podcast show or stand-up?

01:38:02.000 No, stand-up show.

01:38:03.000 Yeah, Jimmy's going to join me out there, too.

01:38:05.000 Well, good.

01:38:05.000 I think I'm home, so I'm coming too.

01:38:07.000 I'm going to be there.

01:38:08.000 What day is that?

01:38:08.000 That is Saturday, May 21st.

01:38:11.000 And yeah, LA is a bitch, as we'd always talked about. 1.00

01:38:16.000 LA's a bitch how? 1.00

01:38:17.000 Come on out. 1.00

01:38:18.000 It's tough to sell tickets in LA. It's not Seattle or Portland.

01:38:21.000 Was it because there's so much shit going on here? 0.99

01:38:23.000 What do you think it is? 1.00

01:38:24.000 I mean, I'll give you the numbers.

01:38:29.000 Like, you know, the Moore Theater, you know, you played the Moore Theater in Seattle that holds, you know...

01:38:34.000 1,800.

01:38:35.000 1,800 people.

01:38:36.000 The Wiltern holds 1,800 people or so.

01:38:40.000 And it's like the Moore sell out on a Sunday night without really burning too many calories.

01:38:46.000 You know, it's like...

01:38:47.000 Two weeks out, we're 1,400 tickets sold.

01:38:50.000 You know, it's gonna go clean, as they say.

01:38:52.000 It's good.

01:38:53.000 We'll turn, you know, 850 tickets sold.

01:38:56.000 You know, we got a month to go, so it'll probably be okay.

01:38:59.000 But it's tough sledding. 0.98

01:39:01.000 Like, you gotta fucking get on it and hit it and work it and go, come on, people. 0.98

01:39:06.000 It's gonna be a fun night. 0.98

01:39:08.000 Whereas the other shows are like, eh.

01:39:11.000 It's running with weights on here, right?

01:39:13.000 In sand, yeah.

01:39:14.000 It is.

01:39:17.000 We're going to Milwaukee, and we're going to Kansas City, and we're going to...

01:39:22.000 What the hell's the other place?

01:39:23.000 You got Milwaukee Friday, got Kansas City Saturday, and you have, let's see, Irvine, California.

01:39:30.000 Sold out, yeah.

01:39:31.000 12th.

01:39:31.000 If they want, then go to AdamCrolla.com.

01:39:33.000 Go to AdamCrolla.com.

01:39:35.000 But, yeah.

01:39:36.000 But, see, for me, it's my hometown.

01:39:37.000 I'm from L.A. So, it sucks because anybody... 0.51

01:39:41.000 It's like an Irish fighter fighting in Dublin. 1.00

01:39:45.000 And everyone's like, eh, fuck it. 1.00

01:39:47.000 We're staying home. 1.00

01:39:48.000 Like, it sucks. 0.84

01:39:49.000 You know, for me, this is my hometown. 0.98

01:39:52.000 And so, it's like the Wiltern is the theater that's like, you know... 0.99

01:39:56.000 That is my, holy shit, I can't believe I'm playing this place. 0.97

01:39:59.000 And now I want to fill it up, because obviously, you play Portland, and it's half full house. 0.99

01:40:05.000 That's fine.

01:40:06.000 You don't feel great about it, but that's Portland.

01:40:08.000 You didn't grow up in Portland.

01:40:09.000 I grew up in L.A., so. 0.99

01:40:11.000 Well, L.A. has so many fucking options. 0.99

01:40:13.000 That's the problem. 0.99

01:40:14.000 I know.

01:40:14.000 Let's not exercise any of them on the 21st.

01:40:17.000 Don't do that, folks.

01:40:17.000 The 21st, Wilton Theater.

01:40:19.000 I may be in Boston.

01:40:21.000 I'm doing this Kevin James MMA movie.

01:40:23.000 Kevin James is playing an MMA fighter.

01:40:25.000 And I have to play myself.

01:40:26.000 Well, tell everyone you're going to be there.

01:40:29.000 Listen, if I can make it, I will be there.

01:40:31.000 That is Saturday the 21st.

01:40:33.000 Thank you very much, brother.

01:40:34.000 Everybody else, stay tuned.

The Joe Rogan Experience - April 26, 2011

Joe Rogan Experience #101 - Adam Carolla (Part 1)

Episode Stats

Summary

Transcript