The Joe Rogan Experience - Joe Rogan Experience #105 - Bryan Callen (Part 1)

00:00:00.000 We broadcasting?

00:00:01.000 Yep.

00:00:03.000 Thejoerogan.net?

00:00:04.000 I did it again!

00:00:05.000 You did it again! 1.00

00:00:06.000 Fucking idiot. 1.00

00:00:07.000 I'm not a good spokesperson for weed. 1.00

00:00:09.000 I'm really not.

00:00:10.000 I mean, I am and I'm not, at the same time.

00:00:12.000 You could use a lot of what I do against me.

00:00:15.000 The Joe Rogan Experience Podcast is brought to you by The Fleshlight. 0.98

00:00:18.000 If you go to joerogan.net and click on the link, Oh, shit, yeah! 1.00

00:00:32.000 With that said, buckle up, bitches. 1.00

00:00:36.000 Brian Cowen's in the motherfucking house. 1.00

00:00:38.000 Oh, yeah. 1.00

00:00:39.000 The Joe Rogan Experience.

00:00:41.000 Brian Callan, my friend.

00:00:56.000 Good to be here.

00:00:57.000 My friend who at one point in time stopped doing stand-up.

00:00:59.000 Boy, I remember that.

00:01:01.000 The dark days.

00:01:02.000 The dark days of hanging out with actors.

00:01:04.000 It's a long time, too.

00:01:05.000 It's about seven years, right? 1.00

00:01:06.000 Oh, those motherfuckers. 1.00

00:01:07.000 They got you. 1.00

00:01:07.000 They got you with all their stupid silliness. 1.00

00:01:10.000 But he's in character. 1.00

00:01:11.000 Hold on.

00:01:12.000 They got you.

00:01:13.000 You started wanting to be like them.

00:01:14.000 You wanted to be accepted.

00:01:15.000 You wanted to be cool.

00:01:16.000 I want to make believe for a living.

00:01:17.000 Yeah, man.

00:01:17.000 I just want to be down.

00:01:18.000 That's it.

00:01:19.000 Before we even get started, ladies and gentlemen, we're at Cobb's Comedy Club this weekend.

00:01:23.000 It's me, Tom Segura, and Sam Tripoli. 0.89

00:01:25.000 If you've never seen Tom or Sam, they're both fucking awesome. 0.65

00:01:27.000 Funny dudes. 0.87

00:01:28.000 Some of the funniest guys working today.

00:01:30.000 And I have my Cobb's Comedy Club mug here, my 25th anniversary.

00:01:34.000 I've never been...

00:01:35.000 If you're a San Francisco person or anywhere in the northwest of...

00:01:39.000 What is it?

00:01:39.000 Northwest California?

00:01:40.000 Whatever.

00:01:41.000 Northern California. 1.00

00:01:41.000 It's a fucking great club. 1.00

00:01:43.000 It's a real... 1.00

00:01:43.000 A club where they really... 1.00

00:01:45.000 You know, Tom, the guy who runs it, really honors the art of stand-up.

00:01:49.000 He really loves it.

00:01:50.000 There's a few clubs like that.

00:01:52.000 You know, there's Wendy in Denver. 1.00

00:01:53.000 There's a few all throughout the country where the owner, the person who runs it, really loves stand-up.

00:01:59.000 And that's one of them.

00:02:00.000 It's always great.

00:02:00.000 Instead of being this corporate sort of, you know...

00:02:02.000 Fuck yeah. 1.00

00:02:03.000 Well, you know what? 1.00

00:02:04.000 I gotta tell you.

00:02:05.000 People will complain about the improvs.

00:02:06.000 I think they're great.

00:02:08.000 They are great.

00:02:08.000 You know what I love?

00:02:10.000 It's clean.

00:02:11.000 They take care of everything.

00:02:12.000 It's run really well.

00:02:13.000 It's pretty cool.

00:02:14.000 What are you pointing at, bro?

00:02:16.000 Oh, is that me?

00:02:17.000 Yeah.

00:02:18.000 Oh, I thought it was on.

00:02:20.000 Yeah, you know, the thing is they guarantee you a good show.

00:02:23.000 It's guaranteed they're going to be taking care of the room.

00:02:25.000 They're going to be making sure there's no hecklers.

00:02:27.000 The waitresses will all be well trained. 0.97

00:02:29.000 The DJ will all be on point.

00:02:31.000 It's all the same experience.

00:02:32.000 It's just a little bit of different staff.

00:02:34.000 Different staff in Kentucky.

00:02:37.000 It's like they put emphasis on the fact that they go, if you come here and pay a premium, you're going to laugh your ass off for two hours.

00:02:43.000 They're going to do a good job.

00:02:44.000 That's what we're going to guarantee. 0.99

00:02:45.000 They know what the fuck they're doing. 0.99

00:02:47.000 And there's a lot of them. 1.00

00:02:48.000 But it's one of those good chains.

00:02:50.000 People go, oh, it puts out mom and pop clubs.

00:02:53.000 Does it?

00:02:53.000 Is it really?

00:02:54.000 Has it ever put out one? 0.97

00:02:55.000 And even if it does, maybe those mom and pop ones sucked. 0.59

00:02:58.000 Right, well, can they compete? 0.93

00:03:00.000 That's the question.

00:03:00.000 Well, the problem is, I do hear that they do this, where they tell you you can't work the other club.

00:03:05.000 Well, I'm a member.

00:03:07.000 Levity represents me.

00:03:09.000 Right.

00:03:09.000 And I love them.

00:03:09.000 They financed my one hour just recently.

00:03:11.000 So Levity is the people who...

00:03:13.000 But Robert Hartman owns a lot of money.

00:03:15.000 He's a personal friend.

00:03:16.000 And I'm going to tell you something right now.

00:03:17.000 I'm not saying this because I'm on a podcast.

00:03:19.000 That guy's a great guy.

00:03:20.000 He's a great guy.

00:03:21.000 He loves comedy.

00:03:22.000 He's very competitive, though, business-wise.

00:03:24.000 I don't mind that.

00:03:24.000 But I think at the end of the day, those guys are...

00:03:28.000 I would have said that they only let you do the improvs.

00:03:31.000 The fact is I have a different booking agent now who's fantastic, Justin Edberg over at Super Entertainment.

00:03:37.000 I get to do any club I want, and he books me out anywhere I want.

00:03:41.000 So if you're with them...

00:03:42.000 You don't have any pressure to only do the...

00:03:44.000 I didn't know that I had...

00:03:45.000 When I was at Gersh, Gersh had some secret deal with the improvs that they didn't tell me about.

00:03:50.000 It was really creepy because other clubs would tell me, like a few of them would say, hey, I've been trying to book you forever and I could never book you.

00:03:56.000 And I'd be like, really?

00:03:58.000 You know, I never heard any of this.

00:03:59.000 I never got any of the deals.

00:04:00.000 Like Nashville, I never did Nashville when I was with Gersh.

00:04:03.000 There's a lot of clubs that they just would ignore me.

00:04:05.000 Yeah, because they have a relationship.

00:04:06.000 They develop and they cherish those relationships because they can get more bang for their buck.

00:04:10.000 It's always going to happen.

00:04:10.000 But what I did is, that's why you separate the powers.

00:04:13.000 That's why you get a booking agent who's going to make his own money on you in his own way. 0.96

00:04:17.000 Isn't it sort of, there's a fucking dance, man, between big business, which you can't have a fucking society like this without a big business. 0.95

00:04:25.000 You know, and it extends from comedy clubs into pretty much anything. 0.98

00:04:29.000 Let me give you an example of why that's good and why it's bad.

00:04:32.000 Let's take, for example, have you noticed that when you travel the country, there aren't a lot of restaurants that are locally owned?

00:04:38.000 So you don't see a lot of mom and pop restaurants with character.

00:04:41.000 A lot of times you go into a place and you've got Hooters.

00:04:45.000 Applebee's.

00:04:45.000 Applebee's and all.

00:04:46.000 Why?

00:04:46.000 Right.

00:04:46.000 What happened?

00:04:47.000 I don't want to eat that kind of food, personally.

00:04:49.000 I don't really like that kind of food.

00:04:50.000 I'd rather have something with character.

00:04:51.000 It's one of the reasons I live, you know, like what I like about New York or even Venice.

00:04:56.000 You're so bohemian.

00:04:57.000 I'm very bohemian.

00:04:58.000 But it's individual expression and, you know, people come from Venice and they cook their own kind of food.

00:05:02.000 I like that.

00:05:02.000 I appreciate that, too.

00:05:03.000 There's something about that that's fun.

00:05:05.000 Absolutely.

00:05:05.000 But what's happened, I think, is that we have a very litigious society, as you know, right?

00:05:10.000 For people who are stupid, that means people like to sue people. 1.00

00:05:14.000 I'm going to sue you. 1.00

00:05:15.000 Sorry for you young kids.

00:05:17.000 I'm really bombastic.

00:05:19.000 That means I use big words. 0.99

00:05:20.000 He doesn't give a fuck. 0.99

00:05:20.000 He'll sling those words around. 0.99

00:05:22.000 That's right.

00:05:23.000 So what happens is you can't...

00:05:26.000 So if you open a restaurant and somebody gets food poisoning and they sue you, A lot of times you better have really good insurance because keeping up with those medical bills, if four people get E. coli or whatever it might be and you have a local restaurant, we'll see you later.

00:05:41.000 The reason that a lot of these restaurants take a chance of opening up, it's very hard to make a restaurant work anyway.

00:05:46.000 The reason you open a restaurant if you're P.F. Chang's, you got deep pockets and you become a corporation.

00:05:52.000 You can withstand any kind of bullshit you deal with when it comes to lawsuits, Are they franchises?

00:05:58.000 Are they all protected under the same umbrella financially and legally? 0.61

00:06:01.000 Both, actually.

00:06:02.000 The mother corporation will create these subsidiaries so that if they do get sued, they can't come after the mother corporation.

00:06:09.000 So that's kind of how it works, but they've got deep pockets financing everything. 0.99

00:06:12.000 I do appreciate the mom and pop aspect of it, but also, when you're in a town, you like to go to Best Buy if you need a fucking laptop. 0.98

00:06:20.000 It's a price. 0.98

00:06:21.000 Everything has a price.

00:06:22.000 You want Walmart, it brings TVs down to $26.

00:06:24.000 But you're going to pay a price in some ways.

00:06:27.000 How is that?

00:06:28.000 One example is, Main Street sprang up organically in the American city.

00:06:32.000 You had Main Street and you had a bunch of little shops.

00:06:35.000 And those shops were passed down generation to generation.

00:06:37.000 Everybody knew each other.

00:06:38.000 There's something very charming and wonderful about that.

00:06:41.000 But guess what?

00:06:42.000 That costs money.

00:06:43.000 It is not as efficient as, say, Target on one side, Walmart on the other.

00:06:48.000 But you pay a price in another way, in my opinion.

00:06:50.000 Anonymity.

00:06:51.000 You're surrounded by beige walls.

00:06:53.000 You have no connection to a continuum.

00:06:55.000 You tell me the difference between Kansas City a lot of times and Columbia, Missouri when you walk down the street.

00:07:01.000 We're becoming a very generic community.

00:07:03.000 Looking place, and the experience is generic.

00:07:07.000 You want to go shopping?

00:07:08.000 You go to an outdoor mall or an indoor mall depending on the weather.

00:07:11.000 And you're going to find the same exact stores everywhere you go.

00:07:14.000 Sure, you can get anything you want, but at what price?

00:07:17.000 It's a little bit like you buy food for texture and not taste.

00:07:21.000 You want real taste in food?

00:07:23.000 It takes a lot of time.

00:07:24.000 It takes a lot of time in the kitchen to prepare.

00:07:27.000 Some people don't care about that.

00:07:28.000 Speaking of a lot of food, I love that show, No Reservations.

00:07:31.000 It's one of my favorite shows.

00:07:32.000 We talk about it on the podcast all the time.

00:07:34.000 And one of the things he did was he went to New York City and he went to all the really, really old places where they own the building.

00:07:39.000 And it's a family.

00:07:41.000 He went to this Italian-owned restaurant slash deli.

00:07:45.000 God, I wish I remembered the name because I have it saved on the DVR. It's so good.

00:07:48.000 That show is the best show on television.

00:07:50.000 Is that Anthony Bourdain?

00:07:51.000 Anthony Bourdain.

00:07:52.000 It's the best show on television.

00:07:53.000 Yeah.

00:07:53.000 No ifs, ands, or buts.

00:07:55.000 It's consistently excellent.

00:07:57.000 He's on point.

00:07:58.000 I love the way the guy thinks, the way he really loves. 0.88

00:08:02.000 He went to South Boston, did this awesome episode on South Boston, and the way he fucking loves a town, like a real town, which South Boston is. 0.55

00:08:10.000 And he went to these places in New York in this one Italian bakery.

00:08:15.000 Or it's like a deli, but not a bakery.

00:08:17.000 It's got everything. 0.99

00:08:18.000 It's like all these canned meats and dried meats and cheese hanging from the ceiling and shit. 0.99

00:08:24.000 And the guy who's running it had been working there since he was a baby. 0.99

00:08:28.000 And he was in his 80s. 1.00

00:08:30.000 He was old as fuck. 0.99

00:08:31.000 His whole family had been there. 1.00

00:08:32.000 You can't buy that kind of stuff.

00:08:32.000 You can't buy it.

00:08:33.000 That is what we're losing in this country.

00:08:36.000 That is exactly what I'm talking about.

00:08:38.000 But the thing is, the only way they could do this is if, one, they're stubborn old Italians, which is a family business. 1.00

00:08:43.000 They're not getting rid of the family business.

00:08:44.000 Why are we getting rid of the family business?

00:08:45.000 Right.

00:08:46.000 They're doing that.

00:08:46.000 And they own the building.

00:08:48.000 They've owned the building forever.

00:08:49.000 So that's the only reason why these exist.

00:08:51.000 And it's a fascinating thing to watch. 0.99

00:08:53.000 The fucking food looks so good. 0.99

00:08:55.000 They had spaghetti with meatballs. 1.00

00:08:56.000 Oh, my God.

00:08:57.000 I wanted to go make the spaghetti with meatballs.

00:08:59.000 I know.

00:08:59.000 I was like, do I have breadcrumbs?

00:09:00.000 Do I have breadcrumbs? 0.98

00:09:01.000 What the fuck can I do where I am? 1.00

00:09:02.000 You walk into a store like that and you smell. 1.00

00:09:04.000 You smell 80 years of food.

00:09:06.000 It's hard to explain.

00:09:07.000 You know, and if someone lives in Columbus, Ohio, right?

00:09:09.000 Like, where you're from, that's Mall City, right?

00:09:12.000 Isn't it?

00:09:12.000 Well, there's definitely a lot of malls, but you also have, like, a lot of Amish people.

00:09:16.000 So you have, like, the Amish restaurants, and you do have, like, a different kind.

00:09:19.000 You know the Amish.

00:09:20.000 They can really cook up a pie. 1.00

00:09:21.000 They know how to fuck, too. 1.00

00:09:22.000 That's right. 1.00

00:09:24.000 Like rabbits with beards, ladies and gentlemen. 0.93

00:09:25.000 Rabbits with beards.

00:09:26.000 The weirdest thing about the Amish, did you ever see that documentary where they, what's that thing they do called Rumskeller or something like that? 0.99

00:09:32.000 Yeah.

00:09:32.000 I guess when they graduate from high school, they're allowed to go nutty.

00:09:36.000 They're allowed to go nutty and then one time in their life.

00:09:39.000 Which means they get to dance.

00:09:39.000 Yeah.

00:09:40.000 They get to dance to rock and roll.

00:09:41.000 They get to party.

00:09:42.000 They go crazy.

00:09:43.000 They go off.

00:09:44.000 They party. 1.00

00:09:44.000 They fuck. 1.00

00:09:45.000 They go nutty. 1.00

00:09:45.000 And then they basically hit, like, spiritual emptiness. 1.00

00:09:49.000 Like, the full bore, like, all at once.

00:09:52.000 Crash out. 1.00

00:09:52.000 What most of America suffers from every single fucking day. 1.00

00:09:55.000 Crash out in a meth and cocaine haze. 1.00

00:09:57.000 And then they go, I'm going back to the church where everyone loves me.

00:10:00.000 They're really literally completely unprepared.

00:10:02.000 If you grow up in the Amish community, and, you know, it's a very different kind of life. 1.00

00:10:06.000 It's very weird.

00:10:07.000 It's very cultish.

00:10:07.000 It's also a life that connects you to a community.

00:10:10.000 And a very strong community with history.

00:10:11.000 And also I think it's really easy, it's a lot easier in some ways to grow up that way because you're given a, your boundaries and the way to behave and the blueprint for how to live your life is laid out for you.

00:10:24.000 A lot of times we grow up in this country with no blueprint.

00:10:27.000 You gotta kind of make it up as you go along.

00:10:28.000 But it's a funny blueprint.

00:10:29.000 You must dress like Johnny Cash and not use electricity. 0.99

00:10:34.000 The fuck kind of blueprint is that, man? 0.99

00:10:36.000 It's true. 1.00

00:10:36.000 That's a weird blueprint, man. 1.00

00:10:38.000 They smell, too, man.

00:10:39.000 As a kid.

00:10:39.000 Whoa, hey, Brian, Brian.

00:10:41.000 This is a generalization here, brother.

00:10:42.000 Are you going to be racist against the Amish?

00:10:44.000 This is where I draw the line.

00:10:45.000 We had field trips to the zoo and to the amusement parks, and they would go by buses. 0.99

00:10:50.000 And that's one thing, as a child growing up, you were like, who are these weird people dressed weird and that smell like shit? 0.99

00:10:56.000 It smells like dough and hard work. 0.99

00:10:57.000 What the hell's going on here?

00:10:58.000 And they were also busted a lot for having raves and stuff all the time in Columbus.

00:11:02.000 Yeah, where they would catch a bunch of Amish people in a barn somewhere with a bunch of ecstasy. 1.00

00:11:08.000 They're not all this innocent...

00:11:09.000 Well, that's probably the Rumskeller or whatever it's called.

00:11:12.000 God, I would have to find the name of that because it's driving me mad.

00:11:15.000 Rumskeller.

00:11:16.000 I mean, that's the thing.

00:11:18.000 You can grow up a certain way, but once you put an idea in somebody's head, hey, this feels really good.

00:11:22.000 Yeah.

00:11:22.000 It's really rump springer.

00:11:23.000 That's what it's called.

00:11:24.000 It's very difficult to stop human nature.

00:11:27.000 And human nature, when you push in one direction, they pull in another.

00:11:30.000 I see it with my daughter.

00:11:31.000 I see it with a three-year-old.

00:11:32.000 It's fascinating watching a little human being develop.

00:11:36.000 And one of the things, you know, and you have a daughter of the same age, you'll know what I'm talking about.

00:11:40.000 You can see where when you tell them not to do things, they want automatically to do it.

00:11:45.000 It's so ingrained.

00:11:48.000 It's not something that you teach a baby.

00:11:51.000 It's already in there.

00:11:52.000 There's a contrarian streak in a human being.

00:11:55.000 It's why any time you see any government experiment in history, in any society, where it's a monarchy, an oligarchy, whether it's a collectivist sort of nature, we're all going to behave this way and these are the rules.

00:12:09.000 People rebel.

00:12:10.000 It never really worked.

00:12:11.000 It has to.

00:12:12.000 That's a part of what has made a human being a human being.

00:12:15.000 It's getting coded into our genetics, unquestionably. 1.00

00:12:18.000 And it's the reason why Catholic girls are whores. 1.00

00:12:21.000 It's so simple. 1.00

00:12:22.000 When I was in high school, all the Catholic girls were sluts. 1.00

00:12:26.000 We all knew it. 1.00

00:12:27.000 And we would joke about it.

00:12:28.000 She's in Catholic school. 1.00

00:12:29.000 Oh, shit. 1.00

00:12:31.000 We would go, fuck, she's in Catholic school? 1.00

00:12:33.000 You knew that when you got that bitch alone and stuck a finger in her, she was going to go crazy. 1.00

00:12:37.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:12:37.000 She's gonna grab your dick like it was a rope hanging over a canyon and she fell out of an airplane and just caught it before sudden death. 1.00

00:12:46.000 Like fucking Sylvester Stallone in Cliffhanger. 1.00

00:12:49.000 She's gonna milk that dick. 1.00

00:12:50.000 Oh, like it's the sweetest elixir. 1.00

00:12:53.000 I had an experience where a girl was telling me about her relationship with the Lord.

00:12:57.000 Oh, nice.

00:12:58.000 We had an argument, which was fun.

00:13:01.000 You had an argument?

00:13:02.000 Yeah, and I quickly realized she didn't have a whole lot to base this on.

00:13:05.000 She had gone through some kind of a crisis and then latched onto the Lord.

00:13:08.000 I banged her in her car two hours later. 1.00

00:13:12.000 I'm sorry, in my car.

00:13:14.000 I never forgot this.

00:13:14.000 She's like, oh, I can't believe it.

00:13:16.000 Yeah, I know.

00:13:17.000 I can't believe I'm doing this.

00:13:18.000 I can't either, but we have a connection.

00:13:19.000 We connect it. 0.99

00:13:20.000 That's why all the religious girls, or I mean all the whores back in high school now are religious, if you notice. 1.00

00:13:26.000 I used to be so douchey. 0.99

00:13:29.000 I have an ultimate confession to make.

00:13:31.000 Whenever the subject of religion would come up, I was that guy. 0.98

00:13:35.000 I would be so douchey, where I'd be like insulting to you if you believe something silly. 0.95

00:13:40.000 I would be not just dismissive, but insulting. 0.61

00:13:43.000 No one's doing anything bad to me, but there's something about you, especially when I was young.

00:13:49.000 When I was like 18, I was really considering religion at one point in time.

00:13:53.000 I was very lost.

00:13:54.000 I was going to join the army.

00:13:55.000 I was doing Taekwondo and I heard the army had a big Taekwondo team.

00:13:59.000 There was this kid named Clayton, I think.

00:14:01.000 Clayton Barber.

00:14:02.000 That might not be his name.

00:14:04.000 But he was a high-level Taekwondo guy that fought for the army.

00:14:06.000 And I was like, wow, they pay for him to fight?

00:14:08.000 All he has to do is give him some cushy office job and then he gets to train all the time?

00:14:12.000 So I was thinking about that.

00:14:13.000 And I was terrified of religion.

00:14:15.000 I was terrified.

00:14:16.000 Like, whenever I'd fight someone and I knew that they were Christian, I would get really nervous. 0.99

00:14:19.000 Because they had sort of, they believed and they had a sort of inner strength.

00:14:22.000 I thought, what if they were right?

00:14:23.000 What if there's a God?

00:14:24.000 What if the God's looking out for them?

00:14:25.000 That's interesting.

00:14:25.000 You know, I really would think that.

00:14:26.000 Like, I remember one time this guy, he was sitting on the sidelines on one knee reading the fucking Bible before we fought. 0.99

00:14:32.000 Wow. 1.00

00:14:33.000 And I was like, put that book away, you fuck. 1.00

00:14:34.000 Put that book away. 1.00

00:14:35.000 Like, he was using incantations on me.

00:14:38.000 Holy Ghost power!

00:14:39.000 I was nervous, man.

00:14:40.000 I got nervous.

00:14:41.000 But you know what that does?

00:14:42.000 I think with the power of any kind of religion or anything, anytime you try to go beyond that which you can measure, I think a lot of belief has to do with less to do with superstition and more to do.

00:14:53.000 It's kind of the same thing.

00:14:53.000 It has to do with inspiration.

00:14:55.000 So the same way you listen to a piece of music that gets you pumped to go do something, I think people can derive the same kind of strength and inspiration from Scripture.

00:15:03.000 Sure.

00:15:03.000 I know they do.

00:15:04.000 I have a good friend, and I'm not going to talk about him, but he's very religious.

00:15:08.000 A lot of people would be shocked, but he's a pretty strict Catholic, and he's a good friend.

00:15:12.000 I just let him do his thing, man.

00:15:14.000 It's on him.

00:15:14.000 That's what keeps him happy.

00:15:16.000 But when I was young, I was so douchey about it.

00:15:18.000 And really, somehow or another, it was because I was insecure that A, maybe they were right, or B, when I was really young.

00:15:25.000 But then I started reading religious history and go, oh, wait a minute.

00:15:28.000 Oh, this is craziness.

00:15:30.000 Oh, I didn't know.

00:15:32.000 I'm still fascinated, though.

00:15:34.000 But what fascinates me is I read a whole thing on the origins of Christianity.

00:15:38.000 It's pretty interesting.

00:15:40.000 But I came to the same conclusion.

00:15:42.000 I went, if you really look at how much Christ actually said, you can put it on a 4x4 card.

00:15:49.000 Not a lot.

00:15:50.000 And then you had all these followers, Paul, for example, whenever you met him.

00:15:54.000 And had this conversion on the road to Damascus and wrote all these letters.

00:15:58.000 The question becomes, why though did those ideas last 2,000 years and a lot of ideas didn't?

00:16:03.000 That's what always fascinates me.

00:16:05.000 Because we killed the most people.

00:16:07.000 It's that simple. 1.00

00:16:08.000 The Christians killed the most people. 1.00

00:16:10.000 Actually, I don't agree with that, because you could say the same thing about fascism. 0.91

00:16:13.000 Dude, believe me.

00:16:14.000 And the Nazis killed a lot of people, but that kind of... 1.00

00:16:16.000 No, listen, if the Muslims had kicked the ass that the Christians did, we would all be learning that Muhammad was the thing, and we wouldn't be celebrating Christmas. 1.00

00:16:23.000 We'd be celebrating some walk around the big box. 0.99

00:16:26.000 No, but I do think that there is a resilience to things like love thy enemy and unforgiveness.

00:16:32.000 I know.

00:16:32.000 That is true, Brian.

00:16:33.000 But you have to understand that all this stuff is rehashed old shit. 0.99

00:16:36.000 I don't have to tell you that. 0.98

00:16:37.000 And the reason why we are immersed in Christianity is because this epoch, this world that we're living in, we're dealing with a very small amount of time.

00:16:44.000 It seems like an enormous amount of time for us. 0.99

00:16:46.000 But the amount of time that the Christian religion has dominated the earth is not the same amount of time that back when the Romans were dominating shit or the Greeks were dominating shit. 0.99

00:16:53.000 They had a couple thousand years on us. 0.99

00:16:56.000 We've only been around for a couple hundred years.

00:16:58.000 Or, you know, this country.

00:16:59.000 And the world, the world of Christianity, it's 2,000 years? 0.95

00:17:02.000 But let me ask you a question.

00:17:03.000 How much do you think...

00:17:05.000 It seems like human beings always have this sort of need to impose their own forms of self-restriction.

00:17:11.000 Yes.

00:17:12.000 And discipline and things like that.

00:17:14.000 I think it's an operating system.

00:17:15.000 Would you think that's a part of our human nature?

00:17:17.000 Would you think that's a natural function of our nature?

00:17:19.000 I think it's very simple.

00:17:21.000 I think that we are evolving.

00:17:22.000 We are in an adolescent stage of evolution.

00:17:24.000 And we are something that's in the middle.

00:17:26.000 We are not quite animals.

00:17:28.000 We know that we are animal.

00:17:29.000 We know we interact with animals.

00:17:31.000 We know we have feelings for animals.

00:17:33.000 But we also know that they're not us.

00:17:35.000 We know we're something different, even from monkeys.

00:17:37.000 There's a reason why you're allowed to keep monkeys in the zoo, but you can't have a slave.

00:17:40.000 It's because we make some sort of a distinction that we are something different from them. 1.00

00:17:45.000 And people will say, well, that's stupid. 0.99

00:17:46.000 We're not. 1.00

00:17:46.000 That's wrong. 1.00

00:17:47.000 You know, animals have rights.

00:17:49.000 Honestly, they don't.

00:17:50.000 Here's the deal.

00:17:50.000 If it wasn't for us being so super smart, they'd all have eaten us.

00:17:54.000 It's really that simple.

00:17:55.000 There's some crazy, weird survival thing going on.

00:17:58.000 And the only way to truly be happy is you have to be on whatever team your race is. 0.99

00:18:03.000 If you're a dog and you're ratting out all these other dogs and then the people run around and club the dogs to death in front of you, you'll be a shitty dog. 0.99

00:18:10.000 You'll feel terrible. 0.99

00:18:10.000 So you don't get in trouble. 0.99

00:18:11.000 Joe Rogan is not talking about racist and white blacker.

00:18:14.000 He's talking about human race here.

00:18:15.000 Yes, I'm talking about animals over other species.

00:18:19.000 I'm talking about the human race as a whole.

00:18:21.000 We are in some weird thing where we're not quite an animal anymore.

00:18:24.000 We're an animal, but we're self-aware.

00:18:27.000 We need food.

00:18:28.000 We need animal protein.

00:18:29.000 We need vegetable protein.

00:18:30.000 We need water.

00:18:31.000 We need all the things that a regular biological unit needs to keep itself alive.

00:18:35.000 But we also have some weird awareness.

00:18:37.000 So then evolution for you is not just biological.

00:18:39.000 It's not just mathematics and biology.

00:18:42.000 We're also evolving from a consciousness point of view.

00:18:45.000 Sure.

00:18:46.000 And biologists would argue with you over the semantics, over the word evolution, saying that evolution only pertains to a biological thing.

00:18:53.000 That you don't have evolution of culture.

00:18:55.000 You have advancement of culture.

00:18:56.000 You have advanced levels of complexity.

00:19:00.000 But it's not technically evolution.

00:19:02.000 But we all know what the word evolution means.

00:19:04.000 And it's a better word for it.

00:19:05.000 I don't mind using it there.

00:19:06.000 I have them think societies, and even the world as a whole, develops their own sense of self-awareness.

00:19:12.000 We are very aware of the pitfalls of how you fall into things like genocide.

00:19:18.000 I do think the world is less brutal.

00:19:20.000 Yeah.

00:19:21.000 As a whole today than it was in a long time.

00:19:22.000 Way more.

00:19:23.000 Way more.

00:19:23.000 It's hard for us to understand.

00:19:24.000 I always try to relate this to people when we talk about the...

00:19:27.000 I've had so many conversations.

00:19:30.000 Alex Jones is a good friend of mine.

00:19:31.000 And Alex Jones will tell you that right now the CIA that end up...

00:19:36.000 He's so doom and gloom.

00:19:39.000 I have some people that I know that I'm friends with that are so, so this is the end of the world.

00:19:43.000 You've got to look at it this way, bro.

00:19:45.000 The apocalypse is here, but not here.

00:19:50.000 It's on the earth in certain spots.

00:19:52.000 It always has been.

00:19:53.000 It's just back then when you describe the apocalypse and the plague.

00:19:56.000 Well, yeah, there was a plague in Northern Africa.

00:19:58.000 But guess where there wasn't a plague? 1.00

00:20:00.000 In fucking China. 1.00

00:20:00.000 At the same time in China, they were chilling, they were banging, making more Chinese people. 1.00

00:20:04.000 They were playing fucking games. 1.00

00:20:07.000 You have access right now to too much information for our puny brains. 0.99

00:20:11.000 And that's where religion and any sort of a predetermined pattern of behavior that you can follow as an operating system, whether it's being an Amish person or anything, that's why they come in handy.

00:20:19.000 Because things are so squirrely.

00:20:21.000 Things are so crazy. 0.99

00:20:22.000 You look, the fucking meltdown in Japan and fucking Mississippi's underwater and you, the fucking tornadoes that go through Alabama and birds are falling from the sky. 0.99

00:20:30.000 Right, right. 1.00

00:20:30.000 It never ends. 1.00

00:20:31.000 By the way. 0.95

00:20:31.000 If you're looking for shitty things, you can find them all day. 0.95

00:20:34.000 And I'll tell you something. 0.84

00:20:35.000 For any of the young people who are listening, if you think it's worse today, pick up any piece of literature or history.

00:20:41.000 Just take a look.

00:20:42.000 Take a look at Lincoln's life.

00:20:44.000 And you'll find that back then, let's just take Lincoln's era, okay?

00:20:47.000 Civil War.

00:20:48.000 First of all, you always lost two or three of your children to all kinds of diseases, For example, diphtheria.

00:20:56.000 When was the last time?

00:20:57.000 Who do you know who ever died of whooping cough, diphtheria, tetanus, smallpox?

00:21:02.000 These diseases would roll through in epidemics.

00:21:04.000 And it wasn't like the flu where you got a cold.

00:21:06.000 You died slowly and horribly.

00:21:08.000 And it was usually your child under a tent that you couldn't touch.

00:21:12.000 So if anybody...

00:21:12.000 And tuberculosis.

00:21:14.000 Tuberculosis.

00:21:14.000 When you got consumption, which is another word for tuberculosis...

00:21:17.000 It's just any time you read any piece of literature or history from even 50 years ago, it is always a story about somebody, Eugene O'Neill, Nobel Prize winning playwright.

00:21:28.000 His brother got tuberculosis and he had to watch him die.

00:21:32.000 And Long Day's Journey in the Night is about that.

00:21:34.000 There was nothing you could do, man.

00:21:35.000 You know what they'd do?

00:21:36.000 Go up to the mountains and breathe the air to see if it helps your lungs. 1.00

00:21:39.000 Otherwise, you fucking died. 1.00

00:21:41.000 And that was one disease of count. 1.00

00:21:43.000 Look at polio 60 years ago, 50 years ago, when kids were on iron lungs.

00:21:48.000 And the best case scenario, your child is four, he'll never walk again.

00:21:51.000 That was the best case scenario, but usually you just died because your lungs didn't hold up.

00:21:55.000 And we've invented, that's the fundamental difference.

00:21:58.000 Nobody that's listening right now, I guarantee, Nobody knows anybody who has even been crippled by something like polio, scarred by something like smallpox.

00:22:06.000 So the world, in a lot of ways, we're feeding.

00:22:09.000 In the 70s, in the 70s, and especially in the 60s, China and India, half the world's population was starving, man.

00:22:19.000 They couldn't even, they had to import grain.

00:22:21.000 Now India is a huge grain exporter.

00:22:24.000 So, because of the Green Revolution, because of what's that guy's name?

00:22:27.000 One man who came up with ways to make, you know, grains and things more resistant to drought and things like that.

00:22:33.000 Our advancements, our technological advancements have pushed us so far beyond our biology, it's not even funny.

00:22:39.000 However, you're right.

00:22:41.000 It's so overwhelming and moving so quickly that people feel like, since they can't understand it, they have to come up with some kind of a debunking mechanism or something they can understand or at least something they can hold on to, and that's where religion plays a huge part.

00:22:53.000 I don't think technology is pushing religion out of the way.

00:22:57.000 In some ways, I think this huge exponential growth of technology is actually ushering in Another wave, and that is a wave of very religious people who don't know how to put this technological wave into context. 0.74

00:23:15.000 Tissue regeneration, all the stuff we talk about.

00:23:17.000 It's also that you're able to contact many people.

00:23:20.000 You can get groups.

00:23:21.000 You can get very selective on the internet, too.

00:23:23.000 You can choose just to hang out in one or two sort of forums.

00:23:26.000 And you can just think the way they think.

00:23:28.000 Nick Swarson does such a funny joke about that.

00:23:30.000 You ever see his joke about this?

00:23:31.000 He does his new joke.

00:23:32.000 He's like, you know, back before the internet, if you had a fetish, man, it was just really hard to find like, you know, a group or just anybody you could get hit with.

00:23:38.000 You'd have to go out to dinner and be like, I'll be right back.

00:23:41.000 I'm gonna go to the bathroom. 0.99

00:23:42.000 Unless you want me to piss on your face. 0.99

00:23:44.000 I'm just kidding. 0.99

00:23:45.000 I'm just kidding.

00:23:48.000 That's hilarious because it's true. 1.00

00:23:50.000 You have to feel it out and shit. 0.99

00:23:52.000 There's so many weird groups that we're finding out about from doing this podcast and you have to talk to porn stars. 1.00

00:23:58.000 You have to.

00:23:58.000 They hold you down.

00:24:00.000 You know, and sometimes, you know, you get in conversations like, you know, like you find out things like cream pies and, you know, and foot jobs and all these different like really creepy things that are just totally standard.

00:24:12.000 They're standard now.

00:24:13.000 You know, it used to be hard to find.

00:24:15.000 When I was 14 years old, we always used to find porn in the woods.

00:24:19.000 And everyone shares this story.

00:24:20.000 By the way, all over the country.

00:24:22.000 I grew up in Boston.

00:24:23.000 I've talked to friends that grew up in LA. I've talked to friends.

00:24:26.000 You found porn in the woods.

00:24:28.000 We all used to find magazines in the woods.

00:24:30.000 And I remember, I will remember this.

00:24:32.000 This is the very day that the darkness, the dark side of sexuality was revealed to me.

00:24:38.000 Because normally when you find these magazines, you'd find like Time magazine, You know, and then there would be like a Playboy inside of it.

00:24:44.000 Someone would be naughty.

00:24:45.000 You know what I mean?

00:24:46.000 Like if you would find one over someone's house.

00:24:48.000 But if you find them in the woods, you know, like I never bought a magazine until I was like 20. You always found them over someone's house or you stole it from your dad's bathroom or something.

00:24:56.000 But the magazines that you would get from your dad were like Penthouse if you were lucky.

00:25:01.000 Right?

00:25:01.000 They go gynecological more.

00:25:03.000 They show the pussy. 1.00

00:25:04.000 Not G-Spot and stuff. 1.00

00:25:05.000 But when I was in the woods, you'd find like Hustler.

00:25:08.000 Screw.

00:25:09.000 And Cherry.

00:25:09.000 And yeah, Screw.

00:25:12.000 I stumbled upon this one magazine.

00:25:15.000 It was me and my friends, and I'll never forget this.

00:25:18.000 Because my friend Juan, my friend Juan Alvarado, he was the first one to talk.

00:25:23.000 And we're all sitting around looking at this magazine, and we peel through it page by page for like five minutes. 0.98

00:25:29.000 And he finally goes, dude, I think this magazine's all dicks and feet. 0.99

00:25:38.000 It was the whole magazine was dicks and feet. 0.99

00:25:42.000 And I remember this because also, it was the first time my friend Josh, who was the next one to speak, it was the first time I ever heard someone say, what the fuck, in a way that I knew they didn't really want an answer. 0.99

00:25:54.000 You know, when you say what the fuck, occasionally you say what the fuck like you come home, there's water everywhere. 1.00

00:25:59.000 What the fuck? 1.00

00:26:00.000 But sometimes you'll say what the fuck where it's like, what the fuck? 1.00

00:26:05.000 And you don't really want an answer, man. 0.99

00:26:07.000 There's no way you can have an answer. 0.95

00:26:09.000 There's certain times when you say what the fuck where if you were expecting an answer, you asked the wrong question. 0.98

00:26:14.000 And this is one of them, this fucking magazine, this wet magazine that we found under a log, right? 0.99

00:26:21.000 They're always damp, the pages are stuck together, and it was all dicks and feet. 0.99

00:26:25.000 It was so weird. 1.00

00:26:27.000 It was all white guys, you can never find a black dick. 1.00

00:26:29.000 If you were looking for some black dick back in the day, it was very difficult, right? 1.00

00:26:34.000 I didn't see a black dick until the internet came along, and then I was like, wow, they really are bigger. 1.00

00:26:38.000 They are. 1.00

00:26:38.000 But back then, man, you never saw a black dick. 1.00

00:26:41.000 That shit was a rumor. 1.00

00:26:41.000 Or you wrestled and you saw him in the locker room. 1.00

00:26:44.000 Every now and then, you'd be like, God damn. 1.00

00:26:46.000 What the fuck is that? 1.00

00:26:47.000 But back then, porn now? 1.00

00:26:49.000 Porn, every girl, you're not worth your salt unless you get fucking gangbanged by a couple of black guys. 1.00

00:26:54.000 That separates the girls from the women. 1.00

00:26:56.000 That separates That's the pros. 0.98

00:26:58.000 That separates the real sluts. 1.00

00:26:59.000 The real girls who go in there and there's three fucking giant juiced up football player black dudes with logs in their pants. 1.00

00:27:07.000 And they're gonna fuck every hole and you're gonna pretend you love it or do love it. 1.00

00:27:11.000 Either way, it's fine. 1.00

00:27:12.000 I hope you do love it.

00:27:14.000 Go for it. 0.99

00:27:14.000 It's good for my masturbation material. 0.99

00:27:16.000 I can feel bad and get off at the same time. 1.00

00:27:18.000 You can't stop sluts. 1.00

00:27:19.000 You just gotta be nice to them. 0.98

00:27:20.000 God bless them. 0.98

00:27:21.000 I think sluts are, just like every other component in this society, inevitable. 1.00

00:27:25.000 And porn stars and comedians and everything. 0.98

00:27:28.000 It's almost like this society has a piece in place to counteract every other piece that moves along with it. 0.99

00:27:35.000 Well, being a slut in this society comes, if you're hot enough, comes with a certain amount of power and cachet and, by the way, salary. 1.00

00:27:42.000 And hate. 1.00

00:27:43.000 Forget about that.

00:27:44.000 What about the hate you get from the other women? 1.00

00:27:46.000 You know, you're not playing by their rules. 1.00

00:27:47.000 What are you just getting back there and fuck them on the first date? 0.99

00:27:50.000 And what it is, is they're just tapping into our base evolutionary side, the chimp side, the chimpanzee in us, you know? 1.00

00:27:56.000 Yeah, it's just a total genetic thing.

00:27:58.000 You don't want to be around that girl because you know that girl. 0.60

00:28:00.000 There's a place for that.

00:28:01.000 Well, it's there.

00:28:02.000 I often think that it's there for the same reason religion's there.

00:28:06.000 All this controlling behavior is because we ultimately have this weird sort of a group goal.

00:28:11.000 And the weird group goal is the progression of technology.

00:28:15.000 And I say that and people say, well, no, it's not just about technology.

00:28:18.000 It's about social engineering.

00:28:20.000 It's about life.

00:28:22.000 Yeah, but what's at the front?

00:28:24.000 What's at the front of the line? 0.99

00:28:25.000 The front of the line is what's the latest, greatest shit we're inventing. 0.98

00:28:27.000 How much does the culture evolve? 1.00

00:28:29.000 We still have most of the same fucking stupid laws in place that were in place in the 60s and 70s. 1.00

00:28:34.000 Pot is still illegal. 1.00

00:28:36.000 The culture is still wonked out of their mind. 1.00

00:28:39.000 The culture is still really fucking weird. 0.93

00:28:41.000 But technology is in another place. 0.84

00:28:44.000 The evolution of technology is a thousand times faster.

00:28:47.000 Well, you know what it does?

00:28:48.000 Technology, for example, in porn, for example, it gives you exactly what you want right now in every technicolor detail.

00:28:55.000 And there was an article I read by this, I can't remember her name, this woman who said that they're finding this interesting phenomenon with teenage boys, and that is that these kids now have access to RedTube, and they're watching porn starting at 10, 9. And they're getting exactly what they want.

00:29:11.000 Here's the problem.

00:29:12.000 When you and I saw a naked girl, right when we met, we didn't have the internet. 1.00

00:29:17.000 When you saw tits and you saw an ass, you were just like, holy shit. 1.00

00:29:21.000 I wasn't worried about lines. 1.00

00:29:22.000 I wasn't worried about shaving.

00:29:24.000 I was just like, look at the smell of her.

00:29:26.000 She could have a hoof and a horn. 1.00

00:29:27.000 I'm fucking her. 1.00

00:29:28.000 I don't care. 1.00

00:29:28.000 I'm this far. 1.00

00:29:29.000 Now what they're finding is boys.

00:29:32.000 They're so used to seeing perfection in exactly what they want that they'll see a girl and they'll be like, ah, she's got a dent there.

00:29:38.000 I don't like that. 1.00

00:29:39.000 Fuck it. 1.00

00:29:39.000 I'm bored. 1.00

00:29:40.000 On to the next.

00:29:41.000 And these kids are going from girl to girl to girl to girl.

00:29:43.000 And girls are having to rise to that occasion and become sluttier and sluttier to hold a boy's interest. 1.00

00:29:48.000 And they've done a lot of really interesting social studies on it.

00:29:51.000 And you know what it's causing?

00:29:52.000 It's causing boredom.

00:29:53.000 It's causing sexual boredom among...

00:29:56.000 This is what their article says.

00:29:58.000 Among the weak.

00:29:59.000 Well, yeah.

00:29:59.000 I mean, or...

00:30:00.000 Everybody else is just getting more butt sex. 0.99

00:30:02.000 Or addictions. 0.99

00:30:03.000 Or weird addictions.

00:30:04.000 Yeah, they are weird.

00:30:04.000 And sexuality can very well be in it.

00:30:07.000 Anything where you think about it too much can be an addiction.

00:30:09.000 Because you're chasing a sensation.

00:30:10.000 Yeah, whether it's good or bad. 0.99

00:30:11.000 Look, I've been addicted to a lot of fucking things in my life. 0.99

00:30:14.000 I've never been addicted to a drug, but I've been addicted to a lot of fucking things in my life. 0.99

00:30:17.000 And there was a guy, one of the clearest forms of sexual addiction, there was this guy that was in a wheelchair. 0.99

00:30:22.000 And he was a nice guy.

00:30:23.000 And he used to play in this pool league that I played in.

00:30:25.000 We played this weekly tournament.

00:30:28.000 And he was always there.

00:30:29.000 And he had to play in a wheelchair. 0.99

00:30:30.000 You know, it's fucking hard, man. 0.98

00:30:31.000 It's hard going around in life where you can't move your legs. 1.00

00:30:34.000 So he started talking to me about prostitutes. 0.99

00:30:37.000 That he gets a lot of prostitutes. 0.99

00:30:38.000 I'm like, alright, yeah, it's good this guy gets some prostitutes. 1.00

00:30:41.000 Probably, you know, guy's got a lot of fucking pent-up sexual pressure, and I hope they don't take advantage of him, right? 0.99

00:30:46.000 But then he starts talking, like, about how he gets really upset if their feet aren't perfect. 0.99

00:30:51.000 He got, like, really weird.

00:30:52.000 And I'm like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. 0.99

00:30:53.000 Here's a guy who's an ugly guy. 1.00

00:30:55.000 He's ugly. 1.00

00:30:56.000 And he's talking about girls. 1.00

00:30:57.000 And he wasn't just talking about prostitutes. 0.99

00:30:59.000 But he doesn't like their feet. 0.95

00:31:01.000 Their feet have to be perfect.

00:31:02.000 They have to be perfect.

00:31:03.000 She's not taking care of her feet.

00:31:04.000 I get upset. 0.99

00:31:05.000 And I'm like, God damn, dude, you should be so happy that someone wants to hug you. 1.00

00:31:09.000 What do you give a fuck what color her nails are on her toes, you know, weirdo? 1.00

00:31:12.000 Do you know, according to this one book called The Murder Room, that this guy who's a serial killer profiler specializes in sadism? 1.00

00:31:19.000 Do you know about this?

00:31:20.000 It's really interesting.

00:31:22.000 The Vidocq Society, where they get together the third Thursday of every month, all these retired profilers and And detectives and they solve cold cases.

00:31:31.000 And the rule is it's got to be an unjust case where a little girl was killed.

00:31:34.000 It can't be a drug dealer who was knocked off.

00:31:37.000 But it's usually they deal with serial killers and people got away with it and they think it's a serial killer.

00:31:41.000 And they've solved a lot of crimes.

00:31:42.000 And he said, he basically wrote the helix on the evolution of a serial killer that the FBI still uses today on profiling.

00:31:51.000 And he said that almost all serial killers start with a fetish.

00:31:56.000 They start with a fetish.

00:31:57.000 And once you get into the fetish, once you get into, you know, whatever it might be coming on somebody's feet, and then you want to, then you want to, you know, maybe choke them or whatever, you don't go back.

00:32:08.000 You mentally never go back to being normal.

00:32:11.000 Once you start going down the rabbit hole, Some people stop.

00:32:14.000 Some people stop.

00:32:15.000 They like to stop at whatever it might be.

00:32:18.000 Feet.

00:32:19.000 This is extreme fetishes. 0.89

00:32:21.000 This is not just like I have a fetish for Asians. 0.93

00:32:23.000 Well, no. 0.88

00:32:23.000 A lot of them will start with rubbing against strangers in buses. 0.88

00:32:28.000 Or on trains.

00:32:29.000 So they'll take trains and they'll just rub up against a stranger.

00:32:32.000 Here's another really creepy one.

00:32:34.000 Sometimes they'll find leather coats cut, like just really finely cut with a razor.

00:32:40.000 That's something called picarism, which is where they like to cut your skin. 1.00

00:32:44.000 That shit is a very common thing. 0.99

00:32:47.000 So they're cutting you like when you're standing in an elevator or something? 1.00

00:32:50.000 Well, they'll fantasize about it, you know, and they practice on coats, but they'll do it in a public place because it's dangerous.

00:32:55.000 It's like, you know, they might get caught. 1.00

00:32:57.000 Fucking nutty shit, man. 1.00

00:32:58.000 It's more weird shit where the fucking mind is not wired right. 1.00

00:33:02.000 What is that? 1.00

00:33:02.000 Is that a social thing? 1.00

00:33:04.000 Well, there's a lot of new science to suggest that if you are an evil person, let's just say you're a serial killer or you're just a killer, there's a lot of evidence to suggest that You lack the ability, not only with the medigula, which is the part of the brain that, I guess, deals with compassion and things,

00:33:20.000 but you also may also not have the neuron synapses required to actually fire when somebody's being hurt and it causes a sense of disdain or you feel bad about it.

00:33:37.000 So, as we learn more about the brain, it may just be that criminals, for the most part, are brain damaged, are simply brain damaged.

00:33:44.000 So that raises a really important question. 0.94

00:33:47.000 If, then, you can prove that someone has a lesion the size of a pinhead on a certain part of their brain that causes them to lack any kind of compassion and, in fact, causes them not to be able to feel at all, and so they have to do crazy shit just to feel, Just to be alive.

00:34:04.000 Right.

00:34:04.000 So what do you do with that person?

00:34:06.000 Kill them. 1.00

00:34:06.000 What does that say? 1.00

00:34:07.000 Well, you can kill them. 1.00

00:34:08.000 You can kill them. 1.00

00:34:08.000 But I'm talking about it as a society. 1.00

00:34:10.000 If you see that they are brain damaged.

00:34:12.000 Now, here's another question. 1.00

00:34:13.000 Study them and kill them. 1.00

00:34:14.000 Okay. 1.00

00:34:14.000 Or how about this? 1.00

00:34:15.000 What if you have the means to actually fix that lesion on the brain?

00:34:19.000 Depends on what they've done.

00:34:20.000 It does, right? 1.00

00:34:20.000 If they've already done something fucked up, you've got to kill them. 1.00

00:34:22.000 What if I could prove scientifically that they're 100% normal with all the ability to feel compassion? 1.00

00:34:28.000 It's still justice, right? 1.00

00:34:29.000 Yeah, you've got to kill them. 1.00

00:34:30.000 You can't have them walking around if that guy killed your sister. 1.00

00:34:33.000 No, you can't.

00:34:33.000 Could you imagine if you were walking around and some guy killed your sister?

00:34:35.000 He's like, hey, sorry, I just had some shit wrong in my brain. 0.97

00:34:38.000 No, but it does raise questions we're going to be grappling with. 0.92

00:34:41.000 Another thing about technology, as we learn more about the brain, and you find that a lot of criminals have an underdeveloped, for example, medigula.

00:34:48.000 I think that's the word.

00:34:49.000 I don't know.

00:34:50.000 I'm not a brain scientist.

00:34:51.000 Let's make up another word that's better.

00:34:54.000 It sounds good.

00:34:54.000 It rhymes with Caligula.

00:34:55.000 Megalamaha.

00:34:56.000 Look it up on the internet.

00:34:57.000 You're a shaman.

00:34:57.000 It sounds like Caligula.

00:34:59.000 But the point is that that's fucking interesting to me. 0.97

00:35:02.000 It is interesting, of course. 0.99

00:35:03.000 You're actually brain damaged, so you don't have the ability to feel. 0.99

00:35:07.000 You don't even fucking know how to process that, and you haven't since you were born. 0.99

00:35:11.000 Right, but where does that come from? 0.99

00:35:14.000 Because a huge percentage of these serial killers, it seems, come from some sort of a torturous childhood.

00:35:19.000 Yes, and then some don't.

00:35:20.000 Huge, huge percentage.

00:35:20.000 Some don't, right?

00:35:22.000 But is that some don't bullshit? 1.00

00:35:24.000 Maybe. 1.00

00:35:24.000 Because, you know, like Jeffrey Dahmer's parents claimed that they didn't fuck him. 1.00

00:35:27.000 You know, oh, everything is fine. 0.99

00:35:29.000 He's pretty normal.

00:35:30.000 Yo, yo, something happened.

00:35:32.000 There is no question.

00:35:33.000 I don't buy that.

00:35:34.000 But there's no question, though, that a lot of very evil people...

00:35:36.000 Let's take Stalin... 0.86

00:35:38.000 Actually, not a good example.

00:35:39.000 Let's take... 0.99

00:35:39.000 There are a lot of, like, shitty, really terrible dictators. 0.99

00:35:43.000 Right, but isn't it the real problem is finding their history? 1.00

00:35:46.000 God, who the fuck knows, man? 0.96

00:35:48.000 I think that you're definitely wounded sometime in a crucial stage of your development, probably. 0.99

00:35:54.000 That's another theory I've heard, where people say, as you're developing, a lot of times, if you're developing sexually and mentally at a certain age, and you see something really horrific and violent, you can associate violence with sexual release. 0.98

00:36:10.000 There's all kinds of shit like that.

00:36:12.000 Or as a way of coping with something you can't even put into context, you turn it sexual because it's a defensive mechanism. 0.99

00:36:18.000 That's the thing with a lot of girls that have been raped. 1.00

00:36:20.000 A lot of girls who've been molested and raped, they turn to porn. 1.00

00:36:23.000 That's exactly right, because they relive the trauma. 0.65

00:36:25.000 They call it reliving it, you know?

00:36:26.000 Strange.

00:36:27.000 You would think that it would turn them off.

00:36:28.000 It does.

00:36:29.000 For some people it does.

00:36:30.000 The mystery is that you see people who go through the worst abuse in the world and they come out of it incredible people who give back to society and they're everybody's hero.

00:36:40.000 And then you see somebody where one thing happens.

00:36:43.000 One thing happens at the right time, and they're in and out of rehab for the rest of their life.

00:36:48.000 Look at people who make a shitload of money.

00:36:50.000 A lot of their kids are good-looking, tall, they're doing all the things, and they spend their whole life battling a drug problem, whereas one dude comes up in an orphanage and ends up running a company or whatever it might be.

00:37:01.000 Yeah, but I think it's all really kind of clear.

00:37:04.000 If you look at it in the progression of their lives, what kind of experiences have they had, how they move towards solving or getting past that experience, and what can you learn from watching them?

00:37:14.000 If you really wanted to take the crazy point of view, the crazy point of view is that...

00:37:20.000 This world is really your imagination.

00:37:21.000 And that everything that takes place in this world is really a lesson for you.

00:37:25.000 You can either learn from it or not.

00:37:26.000 You can see the whole thing as some grand play played out for your amusement.

00:37:30.000 And in every weakness, you can learn.

00:37:33.000 And one of the issues that I have with human beings, and like I said with religion, I get upset at things. 0.60

00:37:39.000 That I'm afraid of seeing in myself.

00:37:41.000 I get upset at weakness in people.

00:37:43.000 I get upset at jealousy.

00:37:45.000 I get upset at all the things that I'm terrified of seeing in myself.

00:37:48.000 And it's almost like that plays out for you.

00:37:51.000 It's like, here's your school.

00:37:54.000 This is your path to enlightenment.

00:37:56.000 Here's the world in front of you.

00:37:57.000 This is a shaky road map of enlightenment.

00:38:00.000 You said something that always stuck with me.

00:38:02.000 I never forgot it.

00:38:03.000 And I wasn't that young a guy when you said it.

00:38:05.000 It was actually kind of recent.

00:38:06.000 It was about five years ago.

00:38:09.000 There was this situation that I'd been in. 0.80

00:38:11.000 We were at dinner and I fucking freaked out with my girlfriend at the time.

00:38:15.000 And you said to me the next day, you go, dude, you've got to become the star of the movie that you live in. 0.93

00:38:21.000 You can't behave that way because that's not what the star of the movie would do.

00:38:27.000 In other words, you make a choice as to how you behave and who you want to be.

00:38:31.000 And that is a series of choices.

00:38:33.000 You can choose to be someone that you would admire.

00:38:35.000 Absolutely. 0.98

00:38:35.000 That's exactly fucking right. 0.98

00:38:37.000 And that's not easy to do. 0.95

00:38:39.000 It takes responsibility. 1.00

00:38:40.000 It takes saying no to a lot of shit. 1.00

00:38:42.000 It does. 0.99

00:38:42.000 But it's important. 0.99

00:38:43.000 In a way, it is easier in a way. 1.00

00:38:46.000 You make your fucking choice. 1.00

00:38:48.000 And I think you also know exactly... 0.99

00:38:50.000 I always find people who act like they're really confused and they'll ask me advice about how to live their life. 0.98

00:38:54.000 And I start looking and I'm like, dude, you know exactly what you're supposed to fucking do. 0.95

00:38:57.000 Yes, but no. 0.88

00:38:58.000 It is very confusing if you haven't made steps already. 0.97

00:39:00.000 If you're one of those people that have never ventured into the deep water and you're afraid to jump in, It's fucking scary.

00:39:07.000 For a lot of people, any sort of change is terrifying. 0.94

00:39:09.000 Any movement where, you know, I'm thinking about leaving this job and pursuing my dreams, that's fucking terrifying for a lot of people.

00:39:14.000 It is terrifying because a lot of times it doesn't work out, but I just...

00:39:17.000 But they haven't done it.

00:39:18.000 If you've done it a bunch of times, like, hey, I already did this, already did that, already tried moving here...

00:39:22.000 Sports, sports, stand-up, I mean, acting...

00:39:25.000 I was listening to Mark Maron, I think he was talking to Greg Fitzsimmons.

00:39:28.000 Somebody sent me this clip.

00:39:30.000 Where Maren was talking about how if he was upset with anything, it was that his parents never instilled a sense of healthy competition in him. 0.99

00:39:36.000 For him, it was always, if he's losing the game, he's throwing the board up in the air, and then the fucking game's over. 0.98

00:39:41.000 Because he couldn't take it. 0.98

00:39:43.000 Because it was like life or death.

00:39:45.000 And that's such an important point, man.

00:39:46.000 A healthy form of competition.

00:39:48.000 And by healthy, one of the things is, you gotta lose.

00:39:51.000 You gotta feel that.

00:39:52.000 You learn a lot more a lot of times by losing.

00:39:54.000 Yeah, you learn what you do wrong.

00:39:57.000 You get motivated.

00:39:58.000 I still, to this day, do a lot of jiu-jitsu.

00:40:01.000 And one of the things about jiu-jitsu is you get tapped, man.

00:40:04.000 You get tapped all the time.

00:40:05.000 I roll with good guys.

00:40:06.000 I get caught, man.

00:40:07.000 And when you're getting caught, it's a matter of, do I tap out or does my arm break? 1.00

00:40:12.000 Do I tap out or are you going to fuck my neck up? 0.99

00:40:15.000 But by doing that all the time, you get very humble. 1.00

00:40:19.000 Absolutely.

00:40:20.000 And you get used to losing and winning and you realize that The good that you do, whether you do good at jujitsu or any other game, one of the reasons why I'm obsessed with games is because there's a direct correlation in my mind between focusing excellence, like focusing my energy and my concentration on something, and then seeing direct results, and then applying those direct results to the rest of my life.

00:40:40.000 And with some people, they never have any real competition in their life. 0.97

00:40:44.000 And because of that, when anything comes up, anything that's big, anything that does require you to rise the occasion or deal with a social issue, you fucking lock up, man. 0.94

00:40:52.000 It frees up. 0.94

00:40:53.000 He frees up.

00:40:53.000 He frees up because it's scary.

00:40:54.000 You know, Michael Jordan, they always say, he holds the statistic for hitting the most last-minute winning shots, okay?

00:41:03.000 Guess what?

00:41:03.000 He also holds the statistic for missing the most game-winning shots.

00:41:08.000 He's also a notorious gambling addict.

00:41:10.000 Yeah, but that's in a book called Outliers that I thought was really interesting.

00:41:14.000 Yeah, takes a chance.

00:41:15.000 He missed more than he made. 0.93

00:41:18.000 Now, he's a legend, and he was the greatest basketball player ever, but that took a lot of fucking missing and a lot of losing. 0.85

00:41:24.000 He took a lot of obsession, too. 0.52

00:41:26.000 He's a fascinating subject to me.

00:41:27.000 I follow him very closely.

00:41:28.000 Do you?

00:41:29.000 Yes, very closely.

00:41:30.000 Because I'm obsessed with extreme winners.

00:41:33.000 Because I think there's a madness to it.

00:41:35.000 And I truly believe that in order to be truly great at something, you have to give in to a certain amount of madness.

00:41:40.000 And how much can you manage that madness?

00:41:42.000 I don't know.

00:41:43.000 But guess what? 1.00

00:41:43.000 If you want to be that guy flying through the fucking air with your tongue out in front of the baddest motherfucking basketball players in the world and kicking shit on a level that they've never seen before, Dr. J, suck my dick, stupid. 1.00

00:41:54.000 Watch this. 1.00

00:41:55.000 Watch this.

00:41:55.000 I'm going to fly through the air.

00:41:57.000 How about that? 0.98

00:41:58.000 How about I'm going to do some shit that nobody's ever done? 1.00

00:42:00.000 I'm going to hit some fucking layups that's going to have all you white bitches scratching your head. 1.00

00:42:03.000 Artie Lang used to say, if Michael Jordan had been on the Titanic, it would not have sunk. 1.00

00:42:07.000 He would have. 0.99

00:42:12.000 I'm fascinated by ultra bad motherfuckers, but there's a reality to it. 1.00

00:42:16.000 There's a madness to them, to all of them, every single one of them. 1.00

00:42:19.000 And Michael Jordan is an extreme one.

00:42:21.000 He lost at pool once, didn't talk to his teammate for three days.

00:42:23.000 Yeah, you know, I believe it.

00:42:25.000 I believe he's also got a real, real problem with gambling and any sort of games.

00:42:29.000 And I know that thing in myself.

00:42:32.000 When I was younger, I had a real problem with it.

00:42:34.000 I'm much, much better now.

00:42:35.000 But when I was younger, I had a real problem with games.

00:42:37.000 Yeah.

00:42:37.000 And he's got it bad, man, with golf.

00:42:40.000 He's got it bad, dude.

00:42:41.000 He loses and he doesn't even pay.

00:42:42.000 He gets mad at people and doesn't pay. 0.99

00:42:43.000 He owed some fucking golf hustler a half a million dollars. 0.99

00:42:46.000 And the guy wrote a story. 1.00

00:42:48.000 I believe it was Esquire.

00:42:49.000 Was it Esquire or GQ? One of those magazines.

00:42:52.000 And there was a big ass story about Michael Jordan and how he's gambling with Michael Jordan. 0.74

00:42:57.000 Michael Jordan wouldn't pay him. 0.99

00:42:58.000 And Michael Jordan is just this ultra bad motherfucker who's obsessed with it. 1.00

00:43:02.000 He just has to constantly get new pussy. 1.00

00:43:05.000 He has to constantly get the latest Ferrari. 1.00

00:43:07.000 He has to constantly be playing golf and winning money and gambling on basketball games and gambling on baseball games and gambling on whatever the fuck he can, man. 0.98

00:43:14.000 He's just out there riding it. 0.99

00:43:16.000 I think a lot of athletes have so much trouble fucking managing. 0.99

00:43:19.000 How about this? 0.99

00:43:20.000 Go to factcheck.com.

00:43:22.000 60% of NFL football players leave the league in bankruptcy.

00:43:27.000 Dude, did you see that?

00:43:28.000 There was a thing about all the different basketball players.

00:43:31.000 Somebody, by the way, check that out.

00:43:31.000 On factcheck.com, I believe that's a statistic.

00:43:34.000 We can check it out right now.

00:43:36.000 60% of NFL football players are bankrupt.

00:43:40.000 I think it's like a year after they've played football or by the time they retire or something crazy.

00:43:45.000 Did you see what Norm Macdonald bet on that pack fight the other day?

00:43:49.000 Well, I know a guy who bet $800,000.

00:43:52.000 Are you serious?

00:43:53.000 How about that?

00:43:54.000 I know a guy who bet $800,000 to win $100,000. 0.99

00:43:57.000 I'm so glad I don't have that fucking kind of problem. 0.98

00:43:58.000 To win $100,000. 0.99

00:44:00.000 That was pretty safe, but yet he didn't fight up to...

00:44:03.000 60%.

00:44:04.000 There it is.

00:44:05.000 Within five years of retirement.

00:44:06.000 60% of NFL football players within five years of retirement are bankrupt.

00:44:10.000 Think about that.

00:44:11.000 It's because you're just invincible.

00:44:13.000 You're the biggest, strongest, fastest guy in the world.

00:44:15.000 And you've got to get that juice somehow. 1.00

00:44:16.000 You've got to buy shit. 0.99

00:44:17.000 You've got to just, you know. 1.00

00:44:18.000 Well, there was a thing about pro athletes that have all been, that have lost all their money.

00:44:23.000 And they're guys who like Latrell Sprewell.

00:44:25.000 Oh, dude.

00:44:25.000 Guys who like, big names.

00:44:27.000 Legends.

00:44:27.000 Big names.

00:44:28.000 And they're broke.

00:44:29.000 They owe millions and millions of dollars.

00:44:31.000 Whew.

00:44:31.000 You know, and I have this weird thing where I go on hip hop sites and I look at hip hop sites.

00:44:35.000 One of the things you see nowadays is how many guys are in bankruptcy.

00:44:38.000 Like half of their gossip.

00:44:40.000 You know, everyone's got their own gossip.

00:44:41.000 You know, you go on like baby websites, Celebrity Baby.

00:44:44.000 Oh, you know, it looks like they're fighting and the baby's turned four.

00:44:48.000 You know, but you go on hip hop websites and the gossip is overwhelming.

00:44:53.000 This guy's losing his house. 0.97

00:44:54.000 If you're a pro athlete or you're a hip hop, the first thing you should do in your entourage is have fucking three accountants following you everywhere. 0.99

00:45:01.000 Just hire, go to New York, find a Jewish or Italian accountant, have them fucking follow you around all the time. 0.97

00:45:05.000 Well, you know, Iran Barkley, you know who he was, right? 0.88

00:45:07.000 Beat Thomas Hearns, former, I think, super middleweight champion. 1.00

00:45:11.000 Bad motherfucker. 0.99

00:45:12.000 Barkley's a badass. 1.00

00:45:13.000 He turned homeless.

00:45:14.000 He became homeless.

00:45:15.000 He had major crack problems.

00:45:17.000 Was it a crack problem?

00:45:18.000 Really?

00:45:18.000 I didn't know that.

00:45:19.000 But what they were saying, what he was saying, rather, was he was hanging out with Eddie Murphy and Michael, or hanging out with Eddie Murphy and Arsenio Hall. 0.83

00:45:25.000 And he's like, I had to fucking keep up, you know?

00:45:28.000 So he was, you know, buying a Mercedes and the best watches. 1.00

00:45:32.000 And then that shit runs dry. 0.99

00:45:33.000 And, you know, that's like the most transient of jobs or the most temporary of jobs. 0.99

00:45:39.000 And by the way, how much money, you would know better than I would, if you make, if you get a $20 million payday, right, and you're a boxer, how much of that money after taxes and jail?

00:45:48.000 There's a lot.

00:45:49.000 How much do you see?

00:45:50.000 There's a lot.

00:45:50.000 There's a lot that's missing, okay?

00:45:52.000 A lot.

00:45:52.000 The guy that's making the $20 million thinks, I have $20 million, but you don't.

00:45:56.000 You got about six.

00:45:57.000 First of all, yeah, you got about six, maybe.

00:45:59.000 You might not even have six.

00:46:00.000 You might have four.

00:46:01.000 That's right.

00:46:01.000 Because you have to pay taxes, okay?

00:46:03.000 So half's gone.

00:46:04.000 Yep.

00:46:08.000 $250,000, is it?

00:46:09.000 Or is it $400,000? 0.98

00:46:10.000 Whatever the fuck it is. 0.99

00:46:11.000 There's a certain level that you're above. 0.99

00:46:12.000 You're essentially paying 40-something percent in taxes.

00:46:15.000 Yeah, okay, so there's that.

00:46:17.000 Then you have managers and agents.

00:46:19.000 So I don't know how it is in boxing, but in comedy, for instance, you and I, we have a manager and an agent.

00:46:26.000 The manager takes 15%, the agent takes 10%.

00:46:28.000 There's 25%.

00:46:29.000 Do you have a business manager?

00:46:30.000 Yes, so there's 30%.

00:46:31.000 So money's gone.

00:46:33.000 Forgetting the publicist, too.

00:46:34.000 I don't have one, but I mean.

00:46:37.000 of things you have to pay and the bills are high but the the amount of money that you actually get is like 34 cents on a dollar something silly like that it's something ridiculous yeah so yeah so these guys spend like they actually have 20 million bucks but that's part of the fun man it's part of the fun is watching someone walking around with giant diamond encrusted chains and crazy fucking watches and then a month later finding out that they lost their house there's something there's something for you for your own amusement Joe Rogan knew a comic who had a huge deal.

00:47:06.000 He bought a Rolls Royce.

00:47:08.000 Six months later, he was living in it.

00:47:11.000 Yeah, who was that?

00:47:12.000 I don't know.

00:47:13.000 Doug Davidoff knows.

00:47:14.000 I can't remember the guy's name.

00:47:14.000 Yeah, who was that?

00:47:16.000 Fuck. 1.00

00:47:17.000 That's why I bought a Ford Edge. 1.00

00:47:19.000 Solid car. 0.99

00:47:20.000 Ford makes some solid fucking cars now. 0.99

00:47:22.000 I can live in my Ford Edge. 0.99

00:47:22.000 Apparently Chrysler's making a big comeback because of an M&M commercial. 0.99

00:47:26.000 An M&M commercial about Detroit.

00:47:28.000 Some slick Detroit commercial that they did for the Super Bowl.

00:47:31.000 I can't. 1.00

00:47:31.000 I drive a Prius and even my fucking... 1.00

00:47:33.000 Listen, brother. 1.00

00:47:35.000 You only live this one life.

00:47:36.000 Go get yourself an M3. You got some money. 1.00

00:47:39.000 Yeah, you used to have a BMW, right?

00:47:40.000 You want to borrow my car for a couple days?

00:47:42.000 It's great, huh?

00:47:43.000 Driver running an M3. You got some money, man.

00:47:46.000 I'm not saying you should just blow it and get crazy, but enjoy it. 1.00

00:47:49.000 Don't drive a fucking Prius. 1.00

00:47:50.000 You're in the hangover too, son. 1.00

00:47:52.000 Damn right, everybody. 1.00

00:47:53.000 Have a fucking solid car. 0.99

00:47:54.000 Oh, by the way, I'll be at the Edmonton Comics trip on Wednesday. 0.99

00:47:59.000 Wednesday to fucking Sunday, and I will be bringing the heat. 1.00

00:48:02.000 Edmonton, Alberta, Canada is the shit. 1.00

00:48:04.000 It is. 1.00

00:48:04.000 It's a fun fucking place. 1.00

00:48:05.000 They have a lot of fights up there. 1.00

00:48:07.000 They have the MFC. I love it.

00:48:08.000 They put on big fights up there. 0.99

00:48:09.000 And a couple times I've done comedy shows like right before the fights and the fucking crowds are great. 0.99

00:48:14.000 I love Canadians. 0.99

00:48:15.000 They get the comedy. 0.99

00:48:16.000 They go with you and they're polite and they're just fucking good. 0.88

00:48:18.000 They're so awesome. 0.92

00:48:19.000 They have a good sense of humor.

00:48:21.000 How was the air quality when you were filming The Hangover 2?

00:48:24.000 It's super bad there, right?

00:48:26.000 That place smells...

00:48:27.000 I'm not...

00:48:27.000 I don't mean...

00:48:28.000 Thailand?

00:48:28.000 Thai people are beautiful, wonderful people, but Bangkok and Thailand...

00:48:31.000 Bangkok, just by the nature of the city, and there's a...

00:48:35.000 It smells like garlic soup.

00:48:37.000 It smells like a big...

00:48:38.000 I was on the top of my hotel and I was like, well, Bangkok smells a lot like fish and garlic and soup.

00:48:45.000 If you mix that together, some people like it.

00:48:48.000 That's not my thing.

00:48:49.000 They're great people. 0.98

00:48:51.000 The Thais are fucking awesome. 0.96

00:48:53.000 How long were you there for? 0.98

00:48:54.000 The only country that's never been colonized, by the way.

00:48:56.000 Really?

00:48:57.000 Yeah.

00:48:57.000 Thailand is the only country, well, you can make the argument for Vietnam, but they've gone through so many wars fighting for their independence.

00:49:02.000 They're badass people.

00:49:03.000 But the Thais somehow are always able to compromise and find a way to be just in the middle. 0.93

00:49:09.000 Think about Indochina in that area and how fucking incredibly volatile it's always been. 0.95

00:49:13.000 The Chinese were always invading Vietnam. 1.00

00:49:16.000 That whole part was just, life was always hard. 1.00

00:49:19.000 Vietnamese are tough fucking people because their history has been a thousand years of keeping people out of their fucking country. 0.99

00:49:25.000 The French, the Chinese, the Americans, they just never gave up. 1.00

00:49:28.000 When you look at fucking Thais, somehow, somehow, they were able to just keep everything real kosher. 0.99

00:49:35.000 They just played the road. 0.99

00:49:36.000 They were like, hey America, we're your friends, but not really good friends. 1.00

00:49:39.000 Hey Russia, you guys are like, fuck our girls! 1.00

00:49:43.000 We got great food, beautiful women, the weather's great, come on in! 1.00

00:49:47.000 It's a wild culture, too, though.

00:49:48.000 Great beaches, yeah.

00:49:49.000 And they're tough.

00:49:49.000 The Muay Thai fights in Thailand really are like those old Van Damme movies.

00:49:55.000 Dude, they're badass people, man.

00:49:55.000 Where they're all standing around waving cash in the air and gambling.

00:49:58.000 Fuck yeah, they're tough. 1.00

00:49:59.000 They're no joke, but they just... 1.00

00:50:00.000 They're really good at being communal.

00:50:03.000 I think at the root of Thai culture is this notion of being able to compromise and negotiate. 0.97

00:50:08.000 And not spoiling, not taking the fucking chessboard and throwing it in the air. 0.98

00:50:13.000 Just let's keep playing. 0.98

00:50:15.000 I lost a little bit, but it's not just a battle.

00:50:17.000 The war itself is...

00:50:19.000 There is no war.

00:50:20.000 It's a beautiful way of looking at life. 0.99

00:50:22.000 They're not too competitive about shit. 0.99

00:50:24.000 They have a king still, right? 1.00

00:50:25.000 And you can't shit on the king. 0.99

00:50:26.000 Well, the king is the one place. 0.99

00:50:28.000 Thailand is an incredibly liberal place.

00:50:30.000 And I did a little reading on the culture and stuff, and it's a very liberal place.

00:50:33.000 But the one thing that they never...

00:50:36.000 They have no sense of humor about is their king.

00:50:38.000 Really?

00:50:39.000 And the reason is because there's a form of superstition.

00:50:42.000 It's what a lot of people...

00:50:44.000 They're very superstitious about their king.

00:50:46.000 Their king is considered to be a semi-deity. 1.00

00:50:48.000 And they take that shit seriously. 0.99

00:50:50.000 And I was there, I don't know what the holiday was, but it was a time when you were supposed to give alms to the king. 1.00

00:50:57.000 And it was a religious ceremony.

00:50:59.000 And they would walk by and all of them would put their hands together.

00:51:02.000 Even people on the street would walk by this golden shrine and put their hands together and bow.

00:51:06.000 So it might be one of the last cultures on earth that feels that way.

00:51:09.000 About their king?

00:51:11.000 I mean, you know, like North Korea.

00:51:12.000 North Korea is under a dictatorship that's terrifying.

00:51:15.000 The Tibetans have this notion that the Dalai Lama is...

00:51:18.000 That's a little different, too.

00:51:20.000 Right.

00:51:20.000 Yeah, because that's a religious thing.

00:51:21.000 Yeah.

00:51:22.000 But this is also a little bit as well.

00:51:24.000 I think so.

00:51:24.000 Very much so.

00:51:25.000 Wow. 1.00

00:51:26.000 Does the king do shady shit? 1.00

00:51:27.000 No. 1.00

00:51:28.000 No.

00:51:28.000 The king, from what I understand, his son is a little bit different.

00:51:31.000 His son has fallen a little bit out of favor with the people.

00:51:34.000 He's a playboy and he's a product of just having a lot of money.

00:51:37.000 But his dad, his dad is, and by the way, I mean, his son was, you don't hear bad things about his son, but his father was always this sort of sober, stayed presence.

00:51:47.000 And he was just having a good time.

00:51:49.000 Not really.

00:51:50.000 But even that kid, they take their role as a symbol very, very seriously.

00:51:55.000 And they know how important a symbol they are to the notion that we are what you should aspire to, which is...

00:52:07.000 You know, being conservative.

00:52:09.000 Like a lot of things about the Thai women, like people think, well, because there are a lot of like strip clubs and there's a big sex trade there that Thai women are loose. 1.00

00:52:16.000 Absolutely not. 0.96

00:52:17.000 In fact, in Thai culture, women are, it's not like you just go fuck a lot of people at all. 1.00

00:52:23.000 They're very conservative in their own families and as a group of people. 0.98

00:52:27.000 I've talked to a lot of Thai people about that and women who are there, who are working and stuff.

00:52:31.000 She's like, it's a huge misconception, the notion that you can just meet a Thai girl and bang her.

00:52:35.000 So it's just the prostitutes are so prevalent. 1.00

00:52:38.000 Yeah, well, because they make it legal.

00:52:40.000 They don't try to control it.

00:52:41.000 And they zone it.

00:52:43.000 There's a red light district where I spend all my time.

00:52:48.000 And they have numbers. 0.99

00:52:51.000 And for $19, you can pay the bar fine, whatever the fuck it is. 0.90

00:52:56.000 $60, you can bring them back. 0.96

00:52:57.000 It's all very cheap. 0.99

00:52:58.000 But you see these disgusting, fat, barnacle-ridden German tourists who are $60... 1.00

00:53:05.000 With this 15-year-old farm girl from the north of Thailand or Cambodia or Vietnam. 0.99

00:53:11.000 And it's not a sinful thing in their culture.

00:53:16.000 No, it's almost like I'm going to help this person.

00:53:20.000 It's like I'm going to give them a massage.

00:53:22.000 Yeah, that's so weird.

00:53:23.000 And by the way, I think a huge strength of the Thai people also is the notion that there's a lot of power and strength in giving.

00:53:29.000 There's a lot of power and strength in being subservient and making you feel welcome and have a good time. 0.97

00:53:34.000 Dude, I'm fucking moving to Thailand. 0.98

00:53:36.000 Yeah. 0.98

00:53:37.000 I'm ready.

00:53:37.000 I'll tell you something.

00:53:38.000 If I was an old single dude who'd just like to watch kickboxing, I'd fucking move to Thailand. 0.94

00:53:42.000 If I didn't have any friends. 0.82

00:53:43.000 I heard the air quality is so bad that you can't walk around without one of those masks.

00:53:47.000 Get one of those dope masks, bro.

00:53:48.000 Yeah, but you don't have to live in Bangkok.

00:53:49.000 No, you live in Phuket and those places in Bali.

00:53:52.000 Is Phuket cool?

00:53:53.000 I thought about going there on vacation.

00:53:55.000 I've never been.

00:53:55.000 There's Tiger Muay Thai there.

00:53:56.000 I'm like, how cool would it be to go on vacation, just train Muay Thai for like a week?

00:53:59.000 It's beautiful.

00:54:00.000 It's beautiful.

00:54:00.000 Just hang out in Thailand?

00:54:02.000 It's probably some of the best scuba diving in the world.

00:54:04.000 Is it safe?

00:54:04.000 Yeah.

00:54:05.000 For tourists and everything?

00:54:06.000 That's the other thing about Thailand.

00:54:07.000 Even Bangkok?

00:54:07.000 It's incredibly safe.

00:54:08.000 Even Bangkok?

00:54:09.000 Bangkok.

00:54:10.000 You know, I mean, it's a huge city.

00:54:11.000 I never once heard anybody tell me you shouldn't walk around.

00:54:14.000 I walked around everywhere.

00:54:15.000 You can go everywhere.

00:54:16.000 You know, all the...

00:54:17.000 Zack and all...

00:54:18.000 Zack Galford.

00:54:19.000 Clearly they had never seen Mad TV. That's exactly right.

00:54:22.000 I got recognized.

00:54:23.000 I had my feet massaged.

00:54:24.000 That's it.

00:54:25.000 That's it. 0.99

00:54:26.000 Then I got jerked off. 0.98

00:54:27.000 Two girls, four bands. 1.00

00:54:29.000 Dicks and feet. 0.99

00:54:30.000 I just brought it back.

00:54:31.000 See, full circle.

00:54:32.000 Does anybody want a coconut water?

00:54:33.000 Yeah.

00:54:34.000 Thank you, C2O, for sending me some cases.

00:54:36.000 I appreciate it.

00:54:36.000 Oh, you're lucky.

00:54:38.000 All right.

00:54:39.000 But you got what?

00:54:41.000 I love coconut water.

00:54:42.000 Two girls, four. 0.57

00:54:43.000 Speaking of Thailand.

00:54:45.000 You went silent just to...

00:54:46.000 He stopped talking.

00:54:47.000 He saw the coconut water and he stopped talking.

00:54:49.000 Yeah.

00:54:53.000 What was the nature of your stay?

00:54:56.000 You were filming the Hangover 2, and for how long were you there?

00:54:59.000 I was there for almost two weeks.

00:55:00.000 I stayed at the Four Seasons.

00:55:02.000 Thank you very much. 1.00

00:55:02.000 Damn, son. 1.00

00:55:04.000 Like a player. 1.00

00:55:05.000 When you do a movie like that...

00:55:06.000 Were you by yourself?

00:55:06.000 You didn't fly your family out?

00:55:07.000 No, I was just by myself, man.

00:55:08.000 Two weeks, man.

00:55:09.000 That's a long time.

00:55:10.000 Did it freak you out?

00:55:11.000 Yeah, it always shows me when I'm away, but I don't really like traveling.

00:55:14.000 I did so much of it as a kid that I just, you know, I've had opportunity to go to South Africa.

00:55:19.000 Well, you lived in the Middle East.

00:55:21.000 Yep, I did.

00:55:21.000 This is something I wanted to talk to you about because I wanted to know if you remember the place that you were when you heard the news that the prince was wed.

00:55:31.000 The prince was what?

00:55:32.000 I can't believe you just said that, because that was probably the highlight of my life.

00:55:37.000 And I was sleeping.

00:55:38.000 I'm kidding.

00:55:38.000 I wasn't.

00:55:38.000 Of course I wasn't.

00:55:39.000 This woman said to me... 1.00

00:55:40.000 Happened at two in the morning.

00:55:41.000 This woman said to me, like, I bet you didn't even watch. 1.00

00:55:44.000 You didn't even watch the thing.

00:55:46.000 I go, no, I didn't.

00:55:47.000 I didn't watch it.

00:55:48.000 No, I'm straight and I'm a man.

00:55:49.000 That's just the way it is.

00:55:50.000 I said this woman actually was my mom.

00:55:52.000 I'm trying to figure out who said it to me. 0.99

00:55:54.000 You know how someone says something, and you go, who the fuck said that? 0.99

00:55:56.000 Because it was like, in my mind, it was like this older woman. 0.99

00:55:59.000 Why am I talking to her?

00:55:59.000 She's at a store.

00:56:00.000 Oh, it's my mom.

00:56:01.000 My mom was just here.

00:56:03.000 Sorry, weed.

00:56:03.000 I'd love to be the prince.

00:56:04.000 I'll tell you, if I was a prince and I was a good-looking guy like he was, I wouldn't be getting fucking married. 0.99

00:56:08.000 Yeah, he's got a... 1.00

00:56:09.000 I'd just be a fucking dirty bastard. 1.00

00:56:11.000 He's got to do what he's got to do, though. 1.00

00:56:12.000 But anyway, my mom said, you didn't watch it, did you?

00:56:15.000 I go, no.

00:56:15.000 And she goes, well, these gay folks that live down the street from us, they had a big party.

00:56:19.000 They had a big party for the prince.

00:56:21.000 I go, really?

00:56:22.000 How awesome is that?

00:56:23.000 She goes, it was hilarious.

00:56:25.000 She goes, they were talking about her dress and her shoes, and they all got excited.

00:56:29.000 They had like 50 people over the house watching the wedding on TV. They got up early.

00:56:33.000 Wow.

00:56:33.000 Yeah, because it's live, you know, it's different times.

00:56:36.000 God bless. 1.00

00:56:37.000 They're fucking so crazy. 1.00

00:56:39.000 They're like 10 hours ahead of us or something? 1.00

00:56:41.000 At least, right?

00:56:41.000 Eight hours ahead of us?

00:56:42.000 You've been following all this Osama shit, like, oh, Osama grew weed on his farm. 0.99

00:56:47.000 He did grow weed, but that's super common in the Middle East. 0.99

00:56:49.000 Did you see the video that they released yesterday, I think?

00:56:52.000 They released all these, like, home videos that they found at the compound.

00:56:55.000 They're a suspect, because, you know, the CIA has admitted that they were going to make fake news stories.

00:56:59.000 Yeah, but I don't believe that it's fake at all.

00:57:01.000 Okay, but hold on a second.

00:57:03.000 The CIA has admitted several times that they were going to make fake news stories.

00:57:07.000 This was after 9-11, and they said to throw off the terrorists, they were going to make fake news stories.

00:57:12.000 As soon as they start saying, they're letting everybody know, we're going to lie to you.

00:57:16.000 The depths of their lies is only your imagination. 1.00

00:57:19.000 Who the fuck knows? 0.99

00:57:20.000 I mean, when you see him and his beard is dyed black, and then you see other videos of him and his beard is white, I don't buy that. 0.99

00:57:27.000 But hold on a second.

00:57:28.000 This is why I don't buy that.

00:57:29.000 It's because there, right now, will absolutely be an active campaign to discredit him.

00:57:34.000 If they have murdered him, if they did shoot Osama bin Laden and he was unarmed, They will discredit him. 0.97

00:57:39.000 And one of the ways they're going to discredit him is to make him look vain and to make him look like he's a crazy dictator who's, you know, living in squalor, like he's an insane person. 0.99

00:57:47.000 So if you show pictures of his house and his house is all fucked up in disarray and there's blood all over the place and there's just garbage everywhere and then you show pictures of his beard and it's black, he looks like a nutty man. 0.99

00:57:58.000 Do you see the video of him there just watching TV, though? 0.96

00:58:01.000 Yeah, but how do you know that's him?

00:58:02.000 That could be anybody.

00:58:03.000 And he's got a white beard in that video, by the way.

00:58:05.000 For anybody who talks about conspiracy and the idea that this might be a fake story, take a look at how the U.S. government works.

00:58:12.000 Take a look at, for example, how these operations work.

00:58:15.000 Let me tell you something.

00:58:16.000 When you do a major operation like that, you've got SEAL Team 6, first of all, it's got to go through all kinds of civilian channels.

00:58:22.000 Right away.

00:58:23.000 And they have to be privy to all kinds of information, not to mention the Security Council and everything else.

00:58:27.000 If you take a look at, and I'm talking about the hundred people at least who have top secret clearance, who all have different agendas and have no interest in glorifying Barack Obama at all, a lot of those people.

00:58:39.000 All of them.

00:58:40.000 I mean, the idea that you could ever pull off this fake assassination of Osama bin Laden after we've been trying to get him for this long, it wouldn't work even in a Hollywood movie.

00:58:53.000 And when you talk about fake stories, what the CIA was doing with those fake stories was they were leaking them.

00:58:57.000 It's true to Al Jazeera and things like that, but mainly what they would do is they want to get information out of you and you're a young man.

00:59:04.000 Who believes in your Iman and you got captured? 1.00

00:59:07.000 They'll show you a fake headline of the New York Times and they'll say, look what happened.

00:59:11.000 All your guys have been killed and all of them are singing like canaries. 0.65

00:59:15.000 They used all kinds of techniques like that.

00:59:17.000 There's no doubt that you don't want to trust the CIA, but what's wonderful about our government, and this is just a fact, is anytime you try to keep a secret or come up with a huge conspiracy like this, you're dealing with 16 other people who have a totally different agenda who want nothing more than to expose you.

00:59:33.000 And any time you have a group of people, whether it's Kissinger and Nixon or whoever, who try to come up with their own agenda to steer foreign policy or, my God, come up with a way to glorify their president, which is what this did for the Democrats.

00:59:47.000 And I'll tell you something, the Republicans are going to have no...

00:59:49.000 They can no longer use the notion that Obama is weak on terrorism for this upcoming election.

00:59:54.000 So I can promise you there were plenty of Republicans who would have loved to have taken credit for this.

01:00:00.000 You'd have to go through...

01:00:01.000 It'd be basically impossible.

01:00:03.000 And by the way, launching a team like SEAL Team 6, what was interesting about this was it was so risky for the president.

01:00:10.000 That notion...

01:00:12.000 Here's why, if you're young and you don't vote, this is why...

01:00:16.000 Forget the platform you're on, whether you're Republican or Democrat.

01:00:18.000 When you vote for a president, make sure that guy has wisdom.

01:00:22.000 Make sure that guy is an intellect and he has wisdom.

01:00:25.000 And here's why.

01:00:25.000 When you're the president of the United States, you have very little power, but you also have a great deal of power.

01:00:30.000 And this is how it works.

01:00:31.000 They come to you with six different scenarios.

01:00:33.000 And they say, Mr. President, we have a lot of intelligence to suggest.

01:00:36.000 That Osama bin Laden, who's been protected by the ISI and whoever it is in Pakistan, he is living in a compound. 0.55

01:00:43.000 Now, here's one of the options.

01:00:45.000 We could drop 60,000 pounds worth of bombs on that and create a crater and comb the place for DNA and see if it really was him.

01:00:52.000 Or we can send in a crack commando team like SEAL Team 6 and take this guy out.

01:00:57.000 Why is that risky?

01:00:58.000 Well, here's why.

01:00:59.000 A couple of reasons.

01:01:00.000 You're sending in a team.

01:01:02.000 It is a third of a mile or something crazy, or three miles less, away from what Pakistan's West Point is, this huge military facility.

01:01:10.000 They're going to scramble jets, which they did, and a whole bunch of other things, the minute they start hearing gunshots right in their quarter.

01:01:17.000 And by the way, there are a lot of people in the military who probably know he's already there anyway.

01:01:21.000 So we send on our team. 1.00

01:01:22.000 If Americans die and we fail at this, or our helicopter stalls, which it did, You can say goodbye to your fucking election. 1.00

01:01:30.000 So you had all those guys in that war room. 1.00

01:01:32.000 Hillary Clinton and Gates.

01:01:34.000 Hillary wasn't there.

01:01:35.000 I see the news headline.

01:01:36.000 She was photoshopped out of the picture.

01:01:38.000 They photoshopped her out?

01:01:39.000 A couple countries photoshopped her out of the picture.

01:01:41.000 That's funny because she's a woman. 1.00

01:01:43.000 That's awesome.

01:01:43.000 But the bottom line is you see all these people, including Obama, sitting there with incredibly tense faces.

01:01:48.000 And he took the weekend to think about whether or not to move in on that.

01:01:52.000 So you think that the president really gets that kind of a control?

01:01:55.000 I know he does.

01:01:56.000 How do you know he does?

01:01:58.000 How can you say that?

01:01:58.000 Because I read American history and forget it.

01:02:01.000 Read any biography from a president.

01:02:03.000 Do you really think that there's one guy that gets to make the call?

01:02:06.000 That is how our government works.

01:02:08.000 The commander-in-chief makes the final decision when you give him four, five, six, seven scenarios.

01:02:14.000 And by the way, those scenarios come from the Department of Defense, Pentagon, State Department.

01:02:18.000 They come from your Secretary of State.

01:02:20.000 They come from your CIA. So, literally, there is no military-industrial complex.

01:02:24.000 There's one guy that's got his finger at the button, and he's able to push all the switches.

01:02:27.000 That's not what I said.

01:02:28.000 What I said is that there's...

01:02:29.000 If he gets to make the call.

01:02:29.000 The military-industrial complex has so many competing interests as well.

01:02:33.000 But it is true that there's a lot of profit in war, but there's also a lot of risk in war.

01:02:36.000 I agree with everything you said. 0.99

01:02:38.000 I agree with everything you said about the SEAL Team 6, the baddest motherfuckers in the world. 0.99

01:02:42.000 These are the guys that, by the way, if you don't know, being a SEAL is incredibly difficult. 0.99

01:02:46.000 Then they take the best of the SEALs and 50% of them wash out because they can't handle what it takes to be in SEAL Team 6. I mean, I've read the Dick Marchenko books and all the...

01:02:56.000 Dude, they're on another level of human being.

01:02:59.000 They're on another level of human being.

01:03:01.000 Boss Rootin was telling me how he trains the SEAL Team 6, and there's a record they had for running up and down this hill.

01:03:06.000 Mark Hominick had it.

01:03:07.000 He ran up and down this hill four times.

01:03:08.000 It's a huge hill.

01:03:09.000 The SEAL Team's guys, they did it 12 times, and Boss had to stop them because he thought they were going to die.

01:03:14.000 Jesus Christ.

01:03:14.000 They're on another level.

01:03:15.000 They're on another level.

01:03:16.000 Different beings.

01:03:17.000 Yeah, and they're not going to do—they all have different agendas, but the bottom line is the government has lied about a bunch of stories like this in the past.

01:03:24.000 Exactly.

01:03:24.000 Jessica Lynch is a perfect example.

01:03:27.000 There's a woman that was, she was inside of a fucking hospital, and they pretended there was this crazy gunfight to get her out and rescue her from the Iraqis. 0.98

01:03:34.000 And what really turned out was it was just a girl in a hospital, and there was no bullet shot at all. 0.99

01:03:39.000 To your point, what you just said, let me piggyback on that.

01:03:43.000 Exactly.

01:03:43.000 Now, it would have been in our interest.

01:03:45.000 It would have been very much in our interest to say Osama bin Laden had a machine gun and was shooting at us.

01:03:50.000 And you know what happened within hours as the story started unfolding?

01:03:53.000 The truth came out.

01:03:54.000 You know what that was?

01:03:55.000 A woman was in front of him. 0.79

01:03:56.000 She charged. 0.97

01:03:57.000 The guy shot her in the leg. 0.98

01:03:59.000 And Osama was not armed, yet the guy shot him in the head.

01:04:04.000 Now, let me tell you, that's been a question.

01:04:06.000 And Bang Si Moon, I think, of the Secretary General of the United Nations came out and said, well, you know, there was no trial.

01:04:14.000 That's a bit barbaric.

01:04:14.000 I don't know if that was who said it, but there was a lot of backlash and said the guy was unarmed.

01:04:19.000 Why the fuck didn't you arrest him instead of shoot him? 0.99

01:04:21.000 And by the way, when they shot him, they had a picture. 1.00

01:04:23.000 The picture had—the reason they haven't released it is because part of his skull got blown away.

01:04:27.000 Now what they do, which is really interesting...

01:04:28.000 Why don't they just Photoshop that out?

01:04:29.000 Blur that out and release the picture.

01:04:31.000 Put a kitten on it.

01:04:33.000 Brian style.

01:04:34.000 Here's what they did.

01:04:35.000 Here's what they did.

01:04:36.000 When the SEAL team...

01:04:37.000 How about this guy? 0.99

01:04:37.000 He shoots Osama Bin Laden in the head. 0.99

01:04:40.000 He takes a picture of it. 0.97

01:04:42.000 He faxes.

01:04:43.000 He scans and sends that to the office.

01:04:47.000 Where they're all there.

01:04:49.000 All these people are there.

01:04:49.000 They get this picture of Osama bin Laden's face.

01:04:52.000 How do you know it's his?

01:04:53.000 They put it through a facial recognition scan right away, which is about as they take the geometric portions where your nose, your eyes, it's like a fingerprint.

01:05:02.000 And they go, guess what?

01:05:03.000 That's a match.

01:05:04.000 That's Osama bin Laden.

01:05:05.000 Then they take DNA as well.

01:05:06.000 Then they got the body.

01:05:08.000 And you know how many people saw his body?

01:05:09.000 Probably literally a hundred.

01:05:11.000 All the SEAL team guys, all those people on that ship that dressed the body, that read the rights, and then dumped them at sea.

01:05:17.000 Which, according to Islamic law, you've got to bury a body 24 hours after it's been killed.

01:05:22.000 Yeah, but not supposed to be at sea.

01:05:24.000 Doug Stanton had a great point.

01:05:26.000 But the reason they did it at sea is because no country, including Saudi Arabia, where he's from, would take that body.

01:05:30.000 Right, because then it would be a martyr and it would be a shrine.

01:05:34.000 Doug Stanhope had a great point. 0.98

01:05:35.000 He said, how come they identified his body within an hour, yet it takes these poor fucking guys that are wrongly accused 30 years to get a DNA match to get out of prison? 0.98

01:05:44.000 It's so true. 0.99

01:05:45.000 Doug Stanhope was amazing.

01:05:46.000 It's so true. 0.84

01:05:48.000 It's a perfect point. 1.00

01:05:49.000 I mean, what the fuck, man? 1.00

01:05:50.000 Is it really that important to kill some guy living in squalor? 1.00

01:05:53.000 I mean, is it that much more important than rescuing citizens that are wrongly accused? 0.97

01:05:57.000 It's a good question, Joe, because it also raises, this assassination raises a fuckload of questions, one of which is, now that we've gotten the big name, Do you have a justification for being in Afghanistan?

01:06:10.000 No, you don't.

01:06:11.000 You never did in the first place.

01:06:12.000 Listen, we're in Afghanistan for minerals and probably heroin.

01:06:16.000 That's what we're in Afghanistan for.

01:06:18.000 The Taliban had dropped heroin production down to minuscule levels. 1.00

01:06:23.000 Now the United States is over there and we produce shit. 0.99

01:06:27.000 More than 90% of the world's heroin in Afghanistan. 1.00

01:06:30.000 More than 90% of the world's heroin is growing.

01:06:32.000 The world is big. 1.00

01:06:34.000 The world is big as fuck. 1.00

01:06:36.000 And if 90% of the Viagra was grown in one little village, guess what? 1.00

01:06:41.000 We would infiltrate that culture.

01:06:43.000 We would find a way to corrupt them and turn them into terrorism. 0.99

01:06:46.000 We would have them attack ships or blow things up. 0.99

01:06:48.000 And then we'd use that as an excuse to go in and jack their Viagra. 0.98

01:06:51.000 That's what we would do.

01:06:52.000 Because that's what we've done forever.

01:06:54.000 That's what we would do.

01:06:54.000 If Viagra was...

01:06:55.000 Look, dude. 0.99

01:06:56.000 Hard dick pills are very fucking valuable. 0.99

01:06:59.000 If they didn't exist... 1.00

01:07:01.000 The Chinese would kill tigers and get their In Afghanistan, the number one way that they bribe warlords, because if you don't know, the way Afghanistan is structured today in 2011, the reason why it's an unwinnable country and an unwinnable war is because it's not a country. 0.97

01:07:16.000 It's a series of warlords that are all kind of interconnected, and they all live in these villages.

01:07:21.000 Always has been.

01:07:22.000 Yeah, always has been, and it's not going to change.

01:07:23.000 The way they get them to rat on the Taliban is they give them Viagra. 0.57

01:07:27.000 That's the number one way.

01:07:28.000 Yes!

01:07:29.000 Is that true?

01:07:29.000 Yes!

01:07:30.000 They sit them down.

01:07:31.000 I didn't know that.

01:07:32.000 Yes, the government sits them down, and they say, listen, we'll get you guns.

01:07:35.000 I have guns.

01:07:36.000 Get them out of here.

01:07:37.000 We'll give you women. 1.00

01:07:38.000 I have 20 wives. 1.00

01:07:39.000 I can't even fuck them. 1.00

01:07:40.000 We can help you there. 1.00

01:07:41.000 Dude, you know what?

01:07:43.000 I was there for 11 days, and one of the things that starts with the Marines, you know what's huge in Afghanistan? 1.00

01:07:48.000 Fucking boys. 1.00

01:07:49.000 Nope. 1.00

01:07:49.000 Well... 1.00

01:07:49.000 No. 1.00

01:07:50.000 Yeah, right?

01:07:51.000 Isn't it?

01:07:51.000 Well, well, well.

01:07:51.000 That's what the forums say.

01:07:53.000 No, I don't know.

01:07:53.000 It's true.

01:07:54.000 No, that's true, man.

01:07:54.000 I have a friend who went over there.

01:07:56.000 He caught a guy fucking a boy. 0.99

01:07:57.000 They all have satellite dishes. 1.00

01:07:58.000 They have satellite dishes. 0.97

01:08:00.000 And satellite dishes bring them porn. 0.99

01:08:03.000 Oh, nice. 1.00

01:08:03.000 And porn is fucking huge. 1.00

01:08:05.000 Because we're all humans. 1.00

01:08:06.000 We all want a fucking bank. 0.99

01:08:07.000 It's funny, there was some, you know, everyone keeps on, all these Osama stories are coming out, and they're saying, like, people are saying that Osama was a huge video gamer, that he used to play guitar hero, and so it's like all these bullshit stories now are coming out. 0.99

01:08:20.000 He would have his children turn.

01:08:21.000 Yeah, let me see the one guy who said he was a black belt in judo, and he had photos of him.

01:08:24.000 I do want to smoke his weed, though.

01:08:27.000 I bet he's got some killer crimes.

01:08:29.000 When Osama Bin Laden would listen to the news, he'd have his children stand by the TV when the music part would come off.

01:08:35.000 Come on.

01:08:35.000 They would turn it down because he didn't want to listen to music.

01:08:39.000 It would corrupt him. 1.00

01:08:40.000 That's how fucking crazy he was. 1.00

01:08:42.000 What a silly fuck. 1.00

01:08:43.000 The crazy thing is that he used to work for us. 1.00

01:08:45.000 He used to be down with the CIA when we were training the Mujahideen to fight against the Soviets. 1.00

01:08:50.000 That motherfucker was down in America. 0.99

01:08:52.000 He never took a paycheck from the CIA, but he did himself open a lot of hospitals with his own money and things like that when the Soviets were invading and trying to colonize Afghanistan. 0.99

01:09:07.000 If you were going to have a story that was going to...

01:09:10.000 I mean, again, the view that the world is a theater played out for your own enjoyment.

01:09:14.000 Yeah.

01:09:14.000 If you were going to have this story come to any conclusion, this is the best conclusion ever.

01:09:19.000 Because if this was a fucking movie, if this was the Hulk and the bad guy had just died mysteriously and they dumped him in C, they'd go, okay. 0.98

01:09:26.000 And you'd buckle up and the credits would roll and you'd go, fucking for sure there's going to be a sequel. 0.99

01:09:31.000 For sure. 0.98

01:09:31.000 That guy's coming back. 0.98

01:09:33.000 They dumped him.

01:09:34.000 And then they're going to show you how he didn't really die.

01:09:37.000 And then they snuck him out the back and shot some other guy in the head and said it was him.

01:09:41.000 Yeah.

01:09:41.000 Even the assassination was pretty badass, man.

01:09:43.000 They had to come in there with three helicopters.

01:09:45.000 Sure.

01:09:45.000 If it really happened that way.

01:09:46.000 When you hear about the Jessica Lynch story, you have to wonder, man.

01:09:50.000 You have to wonder how much of this story is true and how much of it is not. 0.99

01:09:53.000 Is it possible that they stormed this fucking compound, there are a bunch of Islamic militants there, There are a bunch of bad guys they were looking for. 1.00

01:10:01.000 They cap these motherfuckers, but there's no Bin Laden. 1.00

01:10:04.000 They say, all right, here's what we do. 1.00

01:10:05.000 We know what we're doing here.

01:10:07.000 We're going to take Bin Laden. 0.99

01:10:08.000 We've had him on ice for five years. 0.98

01:10:09.000 And we're going to say we shot him. 1.00

01:10:10.000 And we're going to fuck these guys up. 1.00

01:10:12.000 We're going to fuck up their mindset. 1.00

01:10:13.000 And they're going to go, he wasn't there. 0.99

01:10:15.000 We've been looking for him.

01:10:16.000 He's not...

01:10:16.000 We've been telling them this whole time.

01:10:18.000 Yeah, they're fucking hiding Bin Laden. 1.00

01:10:20.000 And that's why we need to go to Pakistan with these drones and shoot hellfire missiles out of these drones to the mountainside to fuck all these people up. 1.00

01:10:26.000 It's because they've got Bin Laden. 0.99

01:10:27.000 Meanwhile, they're like... 1.00

01:10:28.000 He's fucking dead! 1.00

01:10:29.000 We're telling you Bin Laden's been dead forever. 1.00

01:10:31.000 I haven't seen him.

01:10:32.000 Have you seen him?

01:10:32.000 I haven't seen him.

01:10:33.000 I think it actually puts the U.S. in a really tough position because now you've got a lot of people asking very tough questions of Pakistan saying you guys didn't know he was there.

01:10:41.000 And Pakistan has been our ally for the most part.

01:10:44.000 They're not really, but they've ostensibly been our ally because we need them.

01:10:48.000 Well, they're friends we pay.

01:10:50.000 We pay them to be our friends.

01:10:51.000 But the most dangerous country in the world in a lot of ways is Pakistan. 1.00

01:10:54.000 They have a hundred nuclear weapons and growing. 0.98

01:10:57.000 And they've already given that technology already to Libya, North Korea, and who the fuck else? 0.73

01:11:05.000 One other person. 0.58

01:11:07.000 One other group of people.

01:11:08.000 And to this guy A.Q. Khan, they had complicity with the Pakistani military.

01:11:13.000 And there's no doubt that Pakistan has its own agenda. 1.00

01:11:16.000 They're terrified of India. 0.97

01:11:19.000 See, here's the thing about foreign policy nobody thinks about.

01:11:21.000 We have our agenda, right?

01:11:23.000 We're going to go into Afghanistan. 1.00

01:11:24.000 The motherfuckers that live there... 1.00

01:11:26.000 And around there, they go, you guys are gonna be gone in 10 years. 1.00

01:11:29.000 We gotta deal with what's really going on.

01:11:31.000 So you want us to be mean to the quote-unquote Taliban? 0.99

01:11:35.000 Like you said, you know who the Taliban is? 1.00

01:11:36.000 It's the dude with the biggest fucking guns and the most drugs, okay? 0.99

01:11:39.000 That's who's gonna be holding the cards after you guys leave. 0.99

01:11:42.000 So after your centralized government, that big experiment where you have democracy in a country that's always been a series of tribes, you're gonna tell me, what are you gonna do then? 0.99

01:11:50.000 We have to deal with that fucking mess. 0.95

01:11:52.000 We got to deal with that law, this area, Waziristan, etc. 0.99

01:11:55.000 And that's what's funny.

01:11:56.000 They kind of just wait and let us spend a shitload of money.

01:11:58.000 And then they're like, ah, look, a vacuum.

01:12:00.000 And they just fill it up and it goes back to normal. 0.99

01:12:02.000 That's the fucking tough thing about foreign policy, man. 0.96

01:12:05.000 Yeah, it's a very tricky thing, man. 0.99

01:12:07.000 It's a very tricky thing to go nation building.

01:12:10.000 It's a game, isn't it? 1.00

01:12:12.000 Nation building is the dumbest idea. 0.99

01:12:14.000 It's a resource game. 1.00

01:12:15.000 It's so clearly a resource game because here's our biggest fucking physical threat of safety. 0.98

01:12:21.000 Ready? 0.99

01:12:21.000 Mexico. 0.99

01:12:22.000 It's right next door. 1.00

01:12:23.000 You can fucking drive there. 1.00

01:12:25.000 Life is worth a nickel. 1.00

01:12:27.000 And everyone's selling drugs.

01:12:29.000 It goes back to what you said, how we started this podcast.

01:12:31.000 You said telling your daughter to do one thing, she does the other.

01:12:34.000 You think you can nation build from the barrel of a gun?

01:12:38.000 You think you can do that?

01:12:39.000 You're going to tell people how to behave? 0.99

01:12:40.000 The minute you come in there and you're a foreigner who doesn't speak their language, and you're telling them how to fucking live, what do people do? 1.00

01:12:46.000 The minute they do that, they go, get Get the fuck out of here. 1.00

01:12:48.000 And if I can't shoot you, I'm just gonna keep my mouth shut. 1.00

01:12:50.000 And when you're gone, spend all your money. 1.00

01:12:52.000 When you're fucking gone, I'm gonna do whatever I want. 0.99

01:12:54.000 I'm gonna do what I'm supposed to do. 0.99

01:12:55.000 And we only go places where there's something.

01:12:57.000 That's the only place where we go.

01:12:58.000 We pretend that there's these big issues.

01:13:00.000 It's just like I said about the country of Pfizer that produces Viagra. 0.99

01:13:04.000 If there was such a little land that produced Viagra, we would fucking steal from them. 1.00

01:13:08.000 We would rob them. 1.00

01:13:09.000 Mexico's got tacos and tacos aren't worth that much.

01:13:12.000 I believe that the only thing that has resilience, the only thing that changes anything in life and the only thing that has resilience is ideas.

01:13:23.000 An idea is very powerful.

01:13:25.000 When an idea takes hold, like the constitution of this country or whatever, when an idea takes hold, if an idea called democracy takes hold, it'll fucking change and bring down military dictatorships. 0.97

01:13:34.000 Take a look at fucking all of South America. 0.97

01:13:37.000 It was all military dictatorships. 0.98

01:13:39.000 20 years, the notion of democracy, even as messy as it is, took hold. 0.96

01:13:44.000 It was an idea that you just couldn't fucking argue with.

01:13:46.000 That's, by the way, what's going on in the Middle East. 0.99

01:13:48.000 This spring awakening with all these young people who could give a shit about Islam, what they really care about. 0.99

01:13:53.000 Is having a better life for themselves and their kids. 0.99

01:13:56.000 And they want education and freedom of speech and representative government, which are human fucking rights. 0.97

01:14:00.000 You try keeping that. 0.83

01:14:02.000 Now that that's out of the box, just try. 1.00

01:14:04.000 Good luck to all the Gaddafi and all his assholes. 1.00

01:14:06.000 Good luck trying to keep a lid on that shit. 1.00

01:14:08.000 You're not going to do it. 1.00

01:14:09.000 Because that's caught fire and they've seen how the rest of the world lives.

01:14:14.000 They can see it with their computers and their cell phones. 0.99

01:14:16.000 And you're never going to be able to keep the fucking truth down. 0.98

01:14:19.000 Two places you came to do it in Cuba. 0.99

01:14:21.000 One, the final vestige of that is North Korea. 0.91

01:14:23.000 And those people suffer so horribly it's sick.

01:14:26.000 But that's the one place in the world that still somehow this tyrannical dictator has the lid on.

01:14:33.000 But there is a, like we were saying, there is an evolution of freedom, isn't there?

01:14:38.000 Right, but it's true that the CIA is without a doubt involved in orchestrating a lot of these revolts.

01:14:43.000 It's not that these things are happening organically.

01:14:46.000 Wesley Clark in 2007 talked about the United States plan in all these different foreign countries, and many of them that have dictatorships, including Libya.

01:14:54.000 And he talked about the plans to overthrow Libya, and this was in 2007. It's true, but you know, this Spring Awakening really actually caught a lot of people on their heels, and especially a lot of Middle East experts.

01:15:04.000 Well, I think all you need to do is push it, and then it goes.

01:15:07.000 Well, you know how it happened?

01:15:09.000 In Tunisia, a vegetable cart guy got these...

01:15:13.000 Government officials came, and this is how the whole revolution started.

01:15:17.000 These government guys said, where's your license? 0.99

01:15:19.000 He didn't have a fucking license. 0.99

01:15:20.000 They threw his scales in the street, and they took his fruit and smashed it. 1.00

01:15:23.000 You know what he did? 0.99

01:15:24.000 He fucking lit himself on fire. 1.00

01:15:26.000 Whoa. 1.00

01:15:27.000 And he lit himself on fire in protest.

01:15:29.000 And that proverbial match set off a fire across the Middle East.

01:15:35.000 This is the Egyptians?

01:15:36.000 This is the Tunisians.

01:15:37.000 And the Tunisians brought down a dictator who I believe had been in power for 25 years.

01:15:42.000 He came down.

01:15:43.000 His last name is Ali. 1.00

01:15:44.000 And they brought that motherfucker down. 1.00

01:15:46.000 They brought that whole government down because that kid lit himself on fire. 1.00

01:15:50.000 And then it caught fire in Egypt.

01:15:52.000 Take a look at Syria.

01:15:53.000 Take a look at what Bashar al- They're going door to door in Syria right now. 1.00

01:15:57.000 They're being brutal because they're fucking awful. 1.00

01:16:00.000 But thousands of people are in the fucking streets. 1.00

01:16:05.000 And it's like the French Revolution. 1.00

01:16:07.000 History keeps repeating itself.

01:16:09.000 How much of it do you think is orchestrated? 0.99

01:16:10.000 How much of this is just natural that people are tired of being fucked with? 0.98

01:16:15.000 And how much of it do you think is the United States? 0.97

01:16:17.000 I think very little has to do with the United States.

01:16:19.000 In fact, the U.S. doesn't...

01:16:21.000 We can't even get our reporters into Syria.

01:16:22.000 We can't even get reporters.

01:16:23.000 Right. 0.97

01:16:24.000 When you hear about a guy like Wesley Clark, who's a fucking, what is he, a four-star general running for president, he says that the United States had been plotting this COVID operations. 0.98

01:16:32.000 We'd always been. 0.99

01:16:33.000 So they must have some influence on it. 0.98

01:16:35.000 I think in the sense that we're trying to—well, I mean, the influence we had, for example, in Libya was that we, along with our NATO allies, said we can't allow the Libyan military to fly over these rebel strongholds in these towns and just carpet bomb the fuck out of them and shoot them. 0.82

01:16:51.000 We got to create a no-fly zone around these people.

01:16:54.000 So in that sense, we did get militarily involved.

01:16:56.000 It was very controversial.

01:16:57.000 It still is very controversial.

01:16:59.000 But, you know, to an extent, I think that democratic countries, starting with Europe, and this was actually led by Europe, they say, what is in our national interest?

01:17:11.000 Is it still in our national interest for Gaddafi or Mubarak in Egypt who'd been there for 30 years?

01:17:17.000 Is it in our national interest for that guy to be in power?

01:17:20.000 There is a convenience when Mubarak is in power and you say, you can make a phone call to Mubarak and say, hey, you got to cooperate with Israel because it's in our national interest. 0.76

01:17:31.000 Well, that's no longer the case. 0.98

01:17:33.000 It's a different fucking ballgame now. 0.99

01:17:35.000 It's a different ballgame. 1.00

01:17:37.000 You're having to deal with the Arab street. 1.00

01:17:38.000 You're having to deal with the will of the people.

01:17:41.000 And that's going to be very interesting to see how it plays out.

01:17:44.000 That's what democracy is.

01:17:46.000 Yeah.

01:17:46.000 I literally feel like I'm on a...

01:17:48.000 A political talk show.

01:17:50.000 I'm actually starting to talk that way.

01:17:52.000 So anyway, for a little more, blah, blah, blah, blah. 0.96

01:17:54.000 You know, when you read shit like Confessions of an Economic Hitman and you see that we go only into countries that have massive natural resources that we want to stockpile and control... 0.91

01:18:05.000 It makes you very skeptical about motivation. 0.98

01:18:07.000 It makes you very skeptical when you see all the money that people spend on war.

01:18:11.000 And I'm not pro-socialist, but I am pro-fixing problems.

01:18:15.000 And I think, I don't believe necessarily in welfare.

01:18:19.000 I don't believe that if you give people money that you're going to somehow or another improve their life because they were broke and now you give them money and now everything's going to be great.

01:18:27.000 No, because you're going to develop a whole culture that expects to get a check for nothing.

01:18:31.000 And then when you have that, you have no motivation, you have no work ethic, you have no enjoyment and satisfaction, you have no productivity.

01:18:39.000 But I am for fixing schools.

01:18:42.000 I am for trying to develop human beings that are going to contribute.

01:18:45.000 And I think as a society and as a community and as a culture, that's one of the most important things we can do.

01:18:51.000 Yet we ignore that. 0.65

01:18:52.000 We all know this and we ignore that and concentrate on boogeymen on the other side of the fucking planet where it's quite obvious that this is transparent game going on where these boogeymen just so happen to only be where the gas is. 0.96

01:19:05.000 They just so happen to only be where the oil is. 0.98

01:19:08.000 They just so happen to only be where the heroin is.

01:19:10.000 I mean, it's not that cut and dry.

01:19:13.000 It's not.

01:19:13.000 But I think also that the other question it raised is that anytime you have a country with a lot of natural resources, let's just take oil which is traded openly on the world market and that none of us would go anywhere without oil.

01:19:25.000 We all need it.

01:19:27.000 If you look at the history of oil, I'm not an expert on the history of oil.

01:19:30.000 I did live in Saudi Arabia for three years, but you look at the history of oil and the Middle East, which was strategic because of that resource.

01:19:39.000 The Soviets and the Americans were obviously always fighting over who had control of that. 0.98

01:19:43.000 The Arabs, for the most part, created something called OPEC and said, fuck both you guys, we're going to start controlling our own idea. 0.91

01:19:51.000 But the idea of pan-Arabism, which is the notion that all the Arabs, that's what Saddam Hussein and Abdel Nasser in Egypt try to do, they try to bring all the Arabs together under one banner. 0.97

01:20:00.000 You're never going to do that because people are nationalistic.

01:20:02.000 People go, I'm Libyan first, I'm not Arab, I'm Libyan, I'm Egyptian.

01:20:05.000 And it just never worked. 0.99

01:20:08.000 You look at how there was so much involvement and vying for those resources between two superpowers that of course, of course shit is going to get crazy. 0.99

01:20:19.000 Of course when Saddam Hussein makes a huge mistake and invades Kuwait and we not only come to his rescue but we use Saudi Arabia, the land of Muhammad, where Islam started and we're launching planes out of Saudi Arabia to kill other Muslims. 0.99

01:20:36.000 For a guy like... 0.99

01:20:37.000 Osama bin Laden, that was the equivalent of slaughtering pigs in a synagogue. 1.00

01:20:41.000 For those guys, they were like, you're out of your fucking mind. 1.00

01:20:44.000 Now the imperialists, whatever you want to call them, are actually killing Muslims from the original caliphate state. 1.00

01:20:51.000 And that was one of the things that radicalized him.

01:20:55.000 My point.

01:20:56.000 You're right.

01:20:58.000 The CIA has an idea.

01:20:59.000 They want to do something.

01:21:00.000 But when you say we, by the way, again, it's a lot of different people in a room that come up with an idea.

01:21:05.000 But let's just simplify it and say the CIA or the U.S. government at the time, they say, we want this.

01:21:12.000 This is our agenda. 0.87

01:21:13.000 One thing that they always talk about is there's always circumstances that unfold that none of us had any fucking idea would happen. 0.55

01:21:21.000 It seems to be that's the way life is. 1.00

01:21:23.000 You got one plan and everything goes to shit. 0.99

01:21:26.000 You know, I mean, you could make the argument, by the way, that the idea that we killed Osama bin Laden has raised a whole bunch of questions a lot of people don't want to answer from a political point of view. 0.98

01:21:35.000 So, you know, this is a...

01:21:39.000 And so it goes.

01:21:40.000 It's a verb.

01:21:41.000 My point was not that why do we go to war?

01:21:44.000 Why don't we spend money on the things that we really need to spend money on?

01:21:47.000 Why do we spend all this money on war and not spend...

01:21:50.000 We don't spend nearly enough, dude.

01:21:52.000 There's massive school cuts right now.

01:21:53.000 That raises the question.

01:21:54.000 Massive, massive school cuts right now. 0.98

01:21:56.000 There's fucking no community centers in these bad neighborhoods. 0.98

01:21:59.000 There's no guides. 0.99

01:22:00.000 There's no counseling. 0.98

01:22:01.000 If you wanted to look at the one huge problem that we have, it's babies and children growing up and becoming shitty human beings because there's no love. 0.97

01:22:09.000 Because there's not getting any help. 0.87

01:22:10.000 And we're not putting money in that at all.

01:22:13.000 The disproportionate amount of money we put in the military budget and compared to how we treat children in this country and raise kids and work on terrible communities and work on educating and getting people out of bad situations.

01:22:24.000 And you say, oh, well, you know, they've got to figure it out on their own. 0.97

01:22:26.000 You don't have a fucking clue What kind of a disproportionate life you would be living if you were born in the ghetto. 0.97

01:22:34.000 If you've ever been around the projects, if you've ever been around terrible neighborhoods. 0.99

01:22:37.000 I never lived in a really bad neighborhood, but I lived in Jamaica Plain in Boston and it wasn't good by any stretch of the imagination.

01:22:43.000 There was a lot of really poor people around me, but we would go into really bad neighborhoods. 0.95

01:22:48.000 We would go to buy pot, We would go to do different shit. 0.98

01:22:51.000 We would go just because it was dangerous. 0.99

01:22:53.000 We were young kids.

01:22:54.000 We were close to bad neighborhoods. 1.00

01:22:55.000 There's people living in ways that you can't even wrap your fucking head around. 0.99

01:22:59.000 And there's not much ways out of there. 0.99

01:23:01.000 You're there and you're growing up.

01:23:01.000 Baltimore is a classic example.

01:23:03.000 How about fucking Detroit where 50% of the people can't read? 1.00

01:23:06.000 It's unbelievable. 1.00

01:23:07.000 That's a real statistic that just came out.

01:23:08.000 It was actually 47%.

01:23:10.000 47%.

01:23:11.000 You can't say that that's an even playing field.

01:23:14.000 And you can't say that for the human race, that doesn't need to be addressed and helped.

01:23:18.000 Absolutely. 0.78

01:23:19.000 And it's not about getting welfare mothers money so they can keep shitting out kids. 1.00

01:23:23.000 It's about helping the fucking kids. 1.00

01:23:25.000 The welfare mother might already be fucked. 1.00

01:23:27.000 Her programming might already be jacked. 1.00

01:23:29.000 She might already be on some downward, you know, addiction spiral. 1.00

01:23:32.000 Who knows?

01:23:33.000 But you can help that kid.

01:23:35.000 Well, you know, one of the things that's always raised with social scientists is they say there are a lot of cases in this country where you threw a lot of money at a problem.

01:23:41.000 Let's take Head Start as an example.

01:23:44.000 Or just a lot of the money that Bush spent on education, which was a lot of money over the past eight years.

01:23:50.000 Why in the world didn't a lot of test scores in certain segments of society, they didn't budge and sometimes they went down. 0.98

01:23:56.000 You spend all that money, those teachers aren't making shit. 0.97

01:23:59.000 You're spending the money the wrong way. 0.98

01:24:01.000 The money is being spent too much in this area, not that area.

01:24:04.000 And that's the challenge of a government.

01:24:06.000 That's the challenge of a bureaucracy.

01:24:08.000 You tax, you have a lot of money.

01:24:10.000 Trying to find out how to spend that money and where to spend that money has always been Yeah, but the proportion of that money is the problem.

01:24:19.000 The proportion is tiny.

01:24:21.000 Compared to the problem, it's tiny.

01:24:23.000 The salaries that teachers get is unlivable.

01:24:26.000 And that is a really important part of being a human being. 0.96

01:24:29.000 If you look back on your teachers that you had and how much they influenced you and how much power they have over you, this is the person who stands in front of the class and tells you how the fucking world works. 1.00

01:24:37.000 And when you're a kid, that's a huge responsibility that many times is bestowed on idiots. 1.00

01:24:43.000 It's bestowed on idiots, and they took this job because they couldn't get another job, and they're fucking bitter and cunty. 1.00

01:24:49.000 By the way, with the teachers' unions, just try firing a teacher who has tenure, because they've been teaching for three years in a lot of districts. 1.00

01:24:56.000 Just try now.

01:24:57.000 In high schools, they get tenure like that?

01:24:59.000 It's so hard to fire a teacher.

01:25:00.000 In high schools?

01:25:01.000 Yes.

01:25:02.000 Well, there's a documentary for everybody who watched called Waiting for Superman, but forget that.

01:25:06.000 There's an article just now in the New York Times about trying to get, I think it was in the state of Ohio, just trying to get one law passed.

01:25:14.000 One law.

01:25:15.000 One law that makes it harder for a teacher to get tenure or easier to hire a high-quality teacher in place of someone who's not performing. 0.98

01:25:23.000 You are dealing with fucking 65 different interests with a lot of lobbying power starting with the teachers union that also then has a subsidiary called the Chicago teachers union that has a subsidiary called the county teachers union and you're dealing with fucking the reality of trying to make a law go through holy shit man holy shit yeah talk to a senator sometime say hey I want to get a law passed and it's a simple one talk to him and see how long it takes And how many years and how many people you've 0.98

01:25:53.000 got to pay off and how many people you've got to convince that their interests...

01:25:56.000 How many lobbyists you have to have on your side.

01:25:57.000 Yeah, because a lot of people go, the problem with the law is two things.

01:26:00.000 You pass the law, it does one thing.

01:26:02.000 It puts a whole bunch of people out of business and a whole bunch of other people in business.

01:26:06.000 And any law you pass doesn't go away in this country.

01:26:09.000 And you know why?

01:26:10.000 Because a whole cottage industry grows up around that law.

01:26:14.000 That's why.

01:26:15.000 We've talked about that many times, especially when it comes to drugs.

01:26:18.000 I mean, there's a reason why people are still trying to keep marijuana illegal.

01:26:21.000 Look, folks, we have more than 50% of the people in prison today in this country are in prison for nonviolent drug offenses.

01:26:28.000 And there are a tremendous amount of private prisons in this country.

01:26:32.000 And we're all paying for it.

01:26:33.000 It's a business.

01:26:33.000 And we have to wrap our heads around the fact that there's...

01:26:36.000 Some sort of a creepy situation has happened where there's a lot of money in keeping people in jail.

01:26:40.000 And because of that, make no doubt about it, the prison guard unions and all these various law enforcement unions, they are not lobbying to make marijuana legal.

01:26:51.000 They don't want it at all because it's a part of their economy.

01:26:54.000 It's a part of their whole situation.

01:26:56.000 This is what happens in life.

01:26:58.000 A lot of people have a vested interest.

01:27:01.000 That's why being a politician or a president, the old saying when you're a president, you make one decision, you make 50% of the people happy and another 50% of the people out there hate your guts.

01:27:11.000 There's no way to avoid that when you have power.

01:27:14.000 Tenure for a teacher has some of the elements of intellectual welfare.

01:27:22.000 Absolutely!

01:27:23.000 That's a great way to put it. 0.99

01:27:24.000 That's a fucking great way to put it. 0.99

01:27:25.000 You know what I mean? 0.99

01:27:26.000 It sounds like a good idea.

01:27:28.000 What you're going to do is you're going to make it so you can't get fired so you are allowed to be free with your ideas and you don't have to worry about the repercussions of your free thinking.

01:27:37.000 And this is going to promote thought. 0.99

01:27:38.000 But the problem with that is when you know that you can't get fired, you become a cunt. 0.99

01:27:43.000 And that's just what people do. 0.99

01:27:44.000 It's natural.

01:27:45.000 It's just like welfare.

01:27:46.000 You know, I was doing stand-up in, I think it was Kansas City.

01:27:48.000 I talked to a principal who came to my show.

01:27:49.000 I said, give me your take on the education system.

01:27:52.000 And he said, the education system's fine.

01:27:53.000 I said, what do you mean?

01:27:54.000 He goes, education, my school's amazing.

01:27:56.000 But you know what the problem is?

01:27:57.000 Parents. 1.00

01:27:58.000 A lot of parents suck. 1.00

01:27:59.000 They suck. 1.00

01:28:01.000 And a lot of it is this culture that doesn't put a premium on education in a lot of places. 1.00

01:28:05.000 The idea that you've got to work your fucking ass off against insurmountable odds for anything. 0.98

01:28:10.000 All that stuff. 0.99

01:28:11.000 I mean, you know.

01:28:11.000 Well, kids, where we live, there's an even trickier element.

01:28:15.000 There's this fucking weird escape clause where you can become famous for nothing, and then you get millions. 0.95

01:28:21.000 And so instead of working your ass off for almost nothing after taxes, you look at Kim Kardashian, who just... 0.99

01:28:27.000 Fucks somebody and makes a video of it and then gets a TV show where they follow her around. 0.99

01:28:32.000 She does nothing to contribute. 0.99

01:28:33.000 She's not saying anything, but yet she's making millions of dollars.

01:28:35.000 And good for her.

01:28:36.000 I'm not hating on her.

01:28:37.000 Good for her.

01:28:37.000 But to kids, that all of a sudden becomes this goal.

01:28:40.000 This weird clause in the contract.

01:28:45.000 This weird little escape clause.

01:28:47.000 And a few people find it.

01:28:48.000 And they get through the system and all of a sudden, look at this person making millions of dollars.

01:28:52.000 Kim Kardashian made something like $60 million last year. 0.99

01:28:55.000 That's so fucking nuts. 0.99

01:28:55.000 It's insane. 0.99

01:28:56.000 It's crazy money. 1.00

01:28:58.000 Every time I go to the fucking airport and I throw my keys in the bin, I see her in some Skechers ad with her fat ass sticking out. 1.00

01:29:05.000 And she's wearing some sneakers that's supposed to make you fit. 1.00

01:29:07.000 It's a great ass, though, by the way. 1.00

01:29:08.000 I like her ass. 1.00

01:29:09.000 Is it even real? 1.00

01:29:09.000 Yeah, it is. 1.00

01:29:10.000 Is it totally real?

01:29:11.000 I believe her breasts are real, by the way.

01:29:12.000 Really?

01:29:13.000 Yes. 1.00

01:29:13.000 I think you believe in Santa Claus too, motherfucker. 1.00

01:29:16.000 That bitch is always getting her face carved up. 1.00

01:29:18.000 That is my type. 1.00

01:29:19.000 But she's always getting her face carved up. 0.97

01:29:20.000 I don't think so.

01:29:21.000 Yes, she is.

01:29:22.000 There's been a bunch of photos.

01:29:23.000 I'm going to go on record as saying she hasn't had any.

01:29:25.000 Kardashian? 1.00

01:29:25.000 You're crazy. 1.00

01:29:26.000 You haven't seen the photos? 1.00

01:29:28.000 No.

01:29:28.000 Dude, you got to look online.

01:29:29.000 You made a mistake.

01:29:30.000 Really? 1.00

01:29:31.000 Her face all puffy and shit. 1.00

01:29:33.000 I don't like that. 1.00

01:29:33.000 Looking like a cat woman. 1.00

01:29:34.000 I'm not listening.

01:29:35.000 It was like right after she had a procedure done.

01:29:37.000 Come on.

01:29:37.000 Yes, without a doubt, man.

01:29:38.000 Come on, I had to look in makeup.

01:29:39.000 I worked with her on How I Met Your Mother. 1.00

01:29:41.000 What do I give a fuck where you work? 0.99

01:29:43.000 She looked normal. 0.99

01:29:43.000 Listen, pal, this girl's had... 0.99

01:29:45.000 I just started lying.

01:29:48.000 This girl has had plastic surgery, without a doubt. 1.00

01:29:51.000 And, you know, whatever, man.

01:29:53.000 I mean, if that's your business, your business is staying hot, I guess what you gotta do is what you gotta do.

01:29:56.000 She's only like 26, right?

01:29:58.000 She's five.

01:29:59.000 She's delicious.

01:29:59.000 You like that?

01:30:00.000 Yeah, I like that.

01:30:05.000 What are you doing?

01:30:06.000 You looking for the photos? 0.99

01:30:07.000 We'll find them and I'll show them to you later because this is going to be a pain in the ass. 0.95

01:30:11.000 But my point is, and you and I have both talked about this, and I did get out of here for a little while, but moving to somewhere where that's not an influence. 0.70

01:30:20.000 Is that even possible anymore though?

01:30:22.000 Because that influence is sort of like all over the country now.

01:30:26.000 I don't know.

01:30:27.000 That's a good question. 1.00

01:30:28.000 I think, though, at the end of the day, you're still going to have a lot of people who hold on to what's important because life is basically a kick in the nuts and it's going to teach you that shit. 0.99

01:30:36.000 You know, you still got to compete. 0.99

01:30:38.000 You still got to fight gravity.

01:30:39.000 You still got to find fulfillment in accomplishment. 0.99

01:30:41.000 And the only way to accomplish something like a black belt in jujitsu is fucking roll all the time for four or five, six or seven or ten years. 0.98

01:30:49.000 If you want a black belt, that's what it takes. 0.99

01:30:50.000 You If you want to know that you truly are, you know, somebody that can tie somebody in a knot, and I'm speaking metaphorically in anything, it takes a long fucking time. 0.97

01:30:58.000 You want to be a good stand-up? 0.96

01:30:59.000 You want to make people laugh all over the country?

01:31:01.000 I'll see you in 10 years, minimum.

01:31:03.000 Yeah, if you're lucky.

01:31:04.000 So, I mean, in a way, if you're lucky, in a way, life kind of sorts itself out.

01:31:08.000 So people worry about...

01:31:09.000 I think it's always been, well, these people are, you know...

01:31:12.000 I mean, I don't know of any story in the world or any leader in the world who didn't complain that his followers, for the most part, were retards... 1.00

01:31:19.000 And, you know, he owed to change and get people to understand what's important.

01:31:23.000 That's what every religious leader from Christ on, you know, from Moses, for God's sake, 5,000 years ago, my people don't know what's important. 0.99

01:31:32.000 Here are the fucking commandments, you pagans. 0.99

01:31:34.000 You know, it's always been that. 1.00

01:31:36.000 It's always been people who are older have always been like, you fucking kids are partying too much. 1.00

01:31:40.000 Stop with all the fucking and the drinking and the booze and the drugs. 1.00

01:31:44.000 God told me these rules. 1.00

01:31:46.000 Right.

01:31:46.000 And if you don't, you're going to get struck down by lightning.

01:31:48.000 So I'm going to scare the shit out of you for your own good. 0.99

01:31:51.000 Right. 0.97

01:31:51.000 And ultimately, all these things are in place so that we can have this society, so that people can survive, so that people can keep breeding, so we can continue doing what we're doing. 0.97

01:31:59.000 Man's a social animal.

01:32:00.000 Which sort of centers around technology.

01:32:02.000 Yeah, man's a social animal.

01:32:04.000 We've always had a war with nature anyway.

01:32:07.000 That's kind of like what...

01:32:08.000 Well, we're the only animal that has a symbiotic relationship with an artificial life, and that artificial life is technology.

01:32:14.000 You could say technology is not alive, but we used the word evolution culturally earlier.

01:32:19.000 We used the word evolution for machines, and if you look at simple machines that were around 50, 60 years ago, and you look at the complex machines now with the The microchips that are just powering your fucking cell phone and where this is all headed in some sort of a weird direction.

01:32:33.000 We are inexorably connected to this technology.

01:32:37.000 Inexorably?

01:32:38.000 Is that the word?

01:32:38.000 Inexorably.

01:32:38.000 Inexorably connected to this technology.

01:32:42.000 Inexorably.

01:32:42.000 Our society is connected to.

01:32:45.000 I mean, this is what the Unabomber was terrified about.

01:32:47.000 That's right.

01:32:48.000 That was his manifesto.

01:32:49.000 He said that technology will get to a point where it no longer has a respect for its biological heritage.

01:32:54.000 Yeah, and people can say it's not a life form.

01:32:56.000 It's not a life form.

01:32:57.000 You're right.

01:32:58.000 It's not.

01:32:58.000 There's no blood in it.

01:32:59.000 There's no tissues.

01:33:00.000 There's no cells.

01:33:00.000 But what is it?

01:33:01.000 It's something that's growing and evolving.

01:33:03.000 You can say that it's not a life form. 0.99

01:33:05.000 But what is a fucking human being? 0.99

01:33:07.000 A human being is some sort of a weird biological computer that's riddled with bacteria. 1.00

01:33:11.000 That's what we are.

01:33:12.000 We're also coming up with synthetic DNA. We're coming up with man-made bacteria, basically.

01:33:19.000 And this is one of those conversations that inevitably, whenever we have this sort of conversation on the podcast, on my message board, someone will come up and go, Fucking bullshit! 1.00

01:33:30.000 Stoned hippie talk! 1.00

01:33:31.000 It's always some aggro fuckhead with a poor argument, and they get upset about it. 0.99

01:33:35.000 But the bottom line is, with all this hippie talk, is, you know, everyone's like, why are you thinking about that? 0.98

01:33:40.000 Why are you thinking about, like, where's it all going?

01:33:42.000 Where's it all going, man?

01:33:43.000 It's going nowhere. 1.00

01:33:44.000 Shut up. 1.00

01:33:44.000 Go to work. 1.00

01:33:45.000 The reality is, something is happening.

01:33:48.000 And for whatever reason, we have an instinct to ignore it.

01:33:50.000 It's not hippie talk anyway.

01:33:51.000 By the way, you think it's hippie talk, take a look at what computer scientists are talking about.

01:33:56.000 Of course.

01:33:56.000 Computer scientists and scientists in general are talking about evolution in terms of human beings can control and are controlling their own evolution.

01:34:06.000 So it's not hippie talk at all.

01:34:09.000 In fact, it's cold, hard scientific talk.

01:34:11.000 It is cold, hard scientific talk, but it's also stoner talk.

01:34:14.000 It's theoretical.

01:34:14.000 It's also stoner talk.

01:34:16.000 It's also the kind of things you... 1.00

01:34:17.000 But that's why weed is so awesome, you fuck. 0.99

01:34:20.000 But Stoner Talk, in 20 years, we are going to, like it or not, have to contend with technological advances that are so far beyond what most of us are dealing with today. 0.99

01:34:32.000 Biocompatible technology, things that fit into your body, that make you remember faster, keep you awake longer.

01:34:38.000 Replacement parts. 0.99

01:34:39.000 All kinds of shit. 0.99

01:34:42.000 So these are realities that are going to affect how you make a living, what you talk about, what you listen to, what your children are influenced by. 0.99

01:34:52.000 So anybody who thinks they can stay out of this debate or even this discussion is kidding themselves, man.

01:34:58.000 You're kidding yourself.

01:34:58.000 It does have an air of silliness to it.

01:35:01.000 It's got an air of man.

01:35:03.000 There's something to it when you're considering these really fantastical possibilities and probabilities of the exponential growth of technology.

01:35:11.000 It does have this sort of silliness to it.

01:35:13.000 I think that's kind of where spiritual conversation comes in with the notion that Yes, we have all these technological advances, but the same old questions that a human being is going to have to answer for himself are still going to exist.

01:35:26.000 Sort of.

01:35:26.000 In a way, you know?

01:35:27.000 I wonder if it's there for the same reason why when your dick is hard, you don't even think about putting a condom on. 1.00

01:35:33.000 You just stick it in there. 1.00

01:35:34.000 Because he goes, yeah, just whatever.

01:35:35.000 Just get in there. 1.00

01:35:35.000 Oh, fuck, I made a kid. 1.00

01:35:37.000 It's almost like it's designed that way. 1.00

01:35:39.000 And our mass, you know, the huge percentage of the population is not thinking about...

01:35:44.000 The eventual upcoming technological singularity.

01:35:47.000 They're just not. 0.95

01:35:48.000 And if you bring it up, it's like, oh, silly hippie time. 0.98

01:35:51.000 You don't have time. 0.98

01:35:51.000 Right, right, right, right. 0.98

01:35:52.000 But I wonder if that's there for the same reason. 0.99

01:35:54.000 It's the same sort of an instinct that makes the hard dick stick it in without a condom to make sure it happens anyway. 0.99

01:36:00.000 It's like this crazy instinct. 1.00

01:36:02.000 Oh, fuck, yeah. 1.00

01:36:03.000 Just don't come inside me. 1.00

01:36:04.000 Okay, okay.

01:36:05.000 You know, it's like, it's almost like it's engineered into us.

01:36:09.000 Well, I think it's the same reason whenever you start talking about, if a guy gets up and says, well, climate change and sea levels are rising.

01:36:14.000 You talk to me about that.

01:36:15.000 Talk to me. 0.96

01:36:16.000 I go, that's too big to think about, and I don't have any way to cool the fucking planet, so I'm going to change the channel right now. 0.95

01:36:21.000 I'm walking away. 0.98

01:36:22.000 Right, but when you talk to dopey Republicans about it, they go, let me tell you something about these liberals. 0.68

01:36:26.000 These liberals and their climate control.

01:36:28.000 Now, they've been going on and on about the climate control.

01:36:30.000 This is what we know, ladies and gentlemen.

01:36:32.000 We know that the climate has changed since the beginning of time.

01:36:34.000 It's cyclical, okay?

01:36:36.000 Don't get in the way of big business and big industry, okay?

01:36:39.000 Because there's a reason why the United States of America is doing so well.

01:36:42.000 There's a reason why we need this economy to turn around.

01:36:44.000 And it's not liberals. 0.98

01:36:45.000 It's not a goddamn sitting around with tambourines in a circle around a campfire singing Grateful Dead songs, okay? 0.99

01:36:50.000 All right, we'll be right back. 0.98

01:36:52.000 You know what I mean?

01:36:53.000 And you get into that right-wing rhetoric idea that, you know, like, ah, guys, settle down, hippies.

01:36:59.000 It allows things to happen.

01:37:01.000 And it also stops the debate. 1.00

01:37:03.000 It allows you to stick your dick in without a condom because you're silly. 1.00

01:37:07.000 The instincts are to fuck things up. 1.00

01:37:10.000 The instincts are to make more people. 0.99

01:37:12.000 The instincts are to continue the technological progress regardless of what fucking effect it has on the environment. 0.95

01:37:17.000 But remember this, nobody... 0.95

01:37:18.000 His human history is...

01:37:19.000 The one constant in human history is that people were never able to see catastrophe as a group.

01:37:24.000 World War I, World War II, famines, the Black Plague, it never... 0.97

01:37:29.000 We are not good at predicting major fucking issues and events. 0.96

01:37:34.000 Whether it's a tsunami... 0.99

01:37:35.000 All due respect to the people in Japan or anything like that.

01:37:39.000 We will eventually, though, right?

01:37:39.000 Human beings are not good at doing that.

01:37:41.000 Well, we have technology.

01:37:42.000 We've gotten a lot better.

01:37:43.000 We have technology that can say, hey, by the way, there's a 20% likelihood that a huge earthquake is about to hit in the next week.

01:37:51.000 I'm sure we'll get better at doing stuff like that.

01:37:52.000 Yeah, but it used to be that you didn't know a tornado was coming until it killed you.

01:37:56.000 You had no idea.

01:37:57.000 You had to see it.

01:37:58.000 Look at Alabama. 1.00

01:37:58.000 And you had to go, oh, shit. 1.00

01:38:00.000 2011, 300 plus people in Alabama and our country were destroyed. 0.99

01:38:04.000 There was nothing they could do about that.

01:38:05.000 It was a mile wide tornado or something.

01:38:07.000 It was a mile wide tornado.

01:38:08.000 Have you ever seen the destruction photos online?

01:38:10.000 I tweeted them.

01:38:10.000 They're insane.

01:38:12.000 Tuscaloosa, Alabama was literally wiped off the map.

01:38:14.000 I've never experienced in any way a nature's force like that.

01:38:18.000 That must be so crazy terrifying.

01:38:20.000 Yeah, and the crazy thing is it happens every year. 0.96

01:38:22.000 There is something like 400 fucking tornadoes this year in this country. 0.93

01:38:25.000 But it's like you're in a house and it gets picked up. 0.99

01:38:27.000 Ripped apart, yeah.

01:38:28.000 And you're in the house.

01:38:29.000 Yeah.

01:38:30.000 Like, you know, when there's a rainstorm and you hear thunder, you're like, let's cuddle up in front of the TV. That's my reality.

01:38:35.000 But here's the thing. 0.99

01:38:36.000 I would fucking move. 0.97

01:38:38.000 Have you ever been in a hurricane? 0.99

01:38:39.000 No.

01:38:40.000 I've been in a hurricane.

01:38:41.000 But the hurricanes that hit the East Coast, like up in the Boston area, by the time they got up there, eh, not so much.

01:38:47.000 Not that big a deal.

01:38:48.000 Right.

01:38:48.000 When you're in the middle, when it starts, when you're in the, whatever they call it, the eye of the storm.

01:38:53.000 That's not the start. 0.98

01:38:55.000 The eye is the center when you fuck up and you go, well, it's over, and you step outside. 1.00

01:38:59.000 How about those Air Force guys who fly into that shit to test all the kinds of... 1.00

01:39:05.000 How nutty is that? 1.00

01:39:07.000 They're in the middle of a fucking... 1.00

01:39:08.000 How insane is that? 1.00

01:39:09.000 Well, because any other plane comes apart.

01:39:10.000 Any other plane comes apart.

01:39:11.000 They come apart.

01:39:12.000 If you're a pilot...

01:39:13.000 My dad was a pilot for 20 years. 0.99

01:39:15.000 When you're a pilot, you fucking worry about thunderstorms. 0.99

01:39:20.000 If there's thunderstorms, that is death. 0.99

01:39:21.000 You don't go near a thunderstorm, man. 1.00

01:39:23.000 That's scary shit. 0.99

01:39:24.000 Doesn't matter if you're a 747 or whatever. 1.00

01:39:25.000 And these guys just fly right into it.

01:39:27.000 They fly into it. 0.99

01:39:28.000 Why don't we make all planes out of the same shit they make those weather planes out of? 0.99

01:39:31.000 I think because you can only have two or three passengers. 0.99

01:39:33.000 So what?

01:39:34.000 I'll pay more.

01:39:35.000 How awesome would it be if you were in a plane and you knew it couldn't break?

01:39:38.000 This plane is never going to crash. 1.00

01:39:40.000 It flies into fucking hurricanes and shit. 1.00

01:39:42.000 It's made out of a black box. 1.00

01:39:45.000 That's a stupid old hack joke. 1.00

01:39:47.000 I heard the craziest hippie theory lately. 1.00

01:39:50.000 I read somewhere today that if you have a birthmark, that's where you were murdered in a past life or killed in a past life. 0.95

01:39:57.000 Is this from a girl that you're trying to bang?

01:39:58.000 No.

01:39:59.000 No, I read it on somebody's Facebook or something.

01:40:01.000 People come up.

01:40:02.000 It's kind of interesting. 0.99

01:40:03.000 I would have been stabbed in the back of the head. 1.00

01:40:04.000 Only interesting if you have brain damage. 1.00

01:40:06.000 Right.

01:40:06.000 People always...

01:40:07.000 You're stabbed in the back of the head.

01:40:08.000 That's why you have a mole.

01:40:09.000 A good experiment. 1.00

01:40:10.000 What about fucking redheads? 1.00

01:40:12.000 They're stabbed everywhere. 1.00

01:40:12.000 No, no, no. 1.00

01:40:13.000 I have a Gorbachev mole.

01:40:14.000 They were shot.

01:40:15.000 Shotguns all over their body.

01:40:16.000 You and I were talking about...

01:40:16.000 You and I were talking about the thing about the internet is that when you can get facts right away, like fact check.

01:40:21.000 The thing is, before that, we all just would just start saying shit. 1.00

01:40:26.000 Yes! 1.00

01:40:26.000 We would just start saying anything like... 1.00

01:40:27.000 Here's what I know, and this is the truth.

01:40:30.000 Meanwhile, you do some checking. 0.98

01:40:32.000 Recently, I've been going back over my archives of the shit that I believe and say, and I'm like, oh, that's a big hole there. 0.91

01:40:38.000 Unfortunately, the last time you were here, there was one about the WikiLeaks. 0.96

01:40:42.000 Right, there's a good example.

01:40:43.000 The WikiLeaks one, you unfortunately said that...

01:40:45.000 Sorry about that, everybody.

01:40:46.000 WikiLeaks, apparently they did remove names of all the people to protect the people, except people who are no longer with the CIA or whoever they were with, and they were already exposed.

01:40:55.000 Right.

01:40:56.000 Yeah.

01:40:56.000 The WikiLeaks thing is a very tricky situation, man.

01:40:59.000 They're going after that guy.

01:41:00.000 Yeah, I don't know how I feel.

01:41:01.000 Guns blazing.

01:41:02.000 I don't know how I feel because I like transparency, but I don't know.

01:41:06.000 I don't know.

01:41:06.000 Do you know out of the 12 BP whistleblowers, all the 12 people that came forward about all the problems in the oil disaster, nine of them are missing, including people murdered.

01:41:16.000 One guy who survived an assassination attempt.

01:41:19.000 It's really kind of freaky, man.

01:41:21.000 It's kind of hard for BP to...

01:41:22.000 I mean, that was a hard thing to cover up.

01:41:24.000 Is it?

01:41:25.000 The whole ocean...

01:41:26.000 Yeah, well, here's a good way to cover it up. 0.98

01:41:28.000 Shoot everybody who knows anything.

01:41:30.000 And it seems like that's actually happening. 0.99

01:41:33.000 I need to...

01:41:33.000 This one site that had it, I put it up on my Twitter, and it's getting crushed.

01:41:38.000 I can't get to it anymore.

01:41:40.000 But there's something going on.

01:41:42.000 I don't know if it's true or not. 0.78

01:41:44.000 I need to find out about this, because it's pretty fucking fascinating. 0.70

01:41:48.000 The BP executives. 0.94

01:41:49.000 Yeah, I don't know.

01:41:50.000 I got confused yesterday.

01:41:51.000 I was driving down the alley, and there was these three girls walking down the alley. 1.00

01:41:57.000 I was like, come on, get the fuck out of the way so I can drive by. 0.94

01:41:59.000 There were 15, 16-year-old girls. 0.99

01:42:01.000 All of them just stopped and then flashed me.

01:42:04.000 What?

01:42:06.000 They mooned me.

01:42:07.000 Seriously?

01:42:07.000 Where was this?

01:42:07.000 They pulled down their pants, all three of them, in Burbank, in the back of an alley.

01:42:10.000 Why'd they do it?

01:42:11.000 In the back of an alley? 1.00

01:42:12.000 Yeah, they were fucking around. 0.99

01:42:13.000 I have an alley in my neighborhood. 1.00

01:42:15.000 There's alleys.

01:42:16.000 And they recognized you or something?

01:42:18.000 No, no, no.

01:42:18.000 I'm just driving, and they're walking in front of me.

01:42:22.000 I'm like, come on, get the fuck out of here. 0.98

01:42:23.000 And suddenly, they just all stopped, pulled down their pants, mooned me, and ran away. 0.99

01:42:27.000 But at the first second, I'm just like, yo, my God, it's awful. 1.00

01:42:30.000 If there's a broken bitch out there, Brian will find her. 1.00

01:42:32.000 Brian will find her like a magnet to little metal particles. 0.99

01:42:38.000 Nate Marquardt, Joe of course knows him, but he was at my house and he was walking up the stairs.

01:42:42.000 I go, come here, I want to show you something.

01:42:44.000 Come upstairs.

01:42:44.000 Because he had just gotten to LA to come see my one hour.

01:42:47.000 And as he was walking upstairs, he was kind of a staid guy. 0.99

01:42:50.000 And I was bent over with my ass wide apart. 0.99

01:42:54.000 And as he walked up the stairs, he just goes, what? 1.00

01:42:57.000 And I think he went, what the fuck? 1.00

01:42:59.000 The same thing he said when he saw dicks and feet. 1.00

01:43:01.000 I got pissed.

01:43:02.000 Listen, out of the 12 people in question that were the BP whistleblowers, nine are mysteriously dead, one nearly died in a brutal assassination attempt, one is imprisoned under questionable circumstances, and another has simply disappeared.

01:43:17.000 You don't?

01:43:17.000 Yeah, I don't really believe that either.

01:43:19.000 And that guy in the questionable circumstances, what, questionable tax? 1.00

01:43:21.000 Hey, Brian, don't talk from the other room, you fucking freak. 1.00

01:43:24.000 Go piss. 1.00

01:43:25.000 How ridiculous is this guy trying to scream in the other room? 1.00

01:43:28.000 This is a show, sir. 0.99

01:43:30.000 After that happened, I was in such shock.

01:43:31.000 And I was going to Starbucks.

01:43:32.000 I was in such shock.

01:43:33.000 You were in shock because some girls moved. 0.99

01:43:35.000 Well, I mean, that's pretty crazy seeing three girls' buttholes and vaginas that are underage and you're just driving around like minding your own business. 1.00

01:43:43.000 So I get out of my car and I go inside. 0.99

01:43:45.000 Did you actually see their buttholes and vaginas or did they have their legs closed and you just saw their cheeks? 1.00

01:43:48.000 No, I remember at least one of them I saw the, you know, like the whatever. 0.98

01:43:54.000 So I'm like thinking about it. 0.99

01:43:55.000 I'm like, what the fuck was that all about? 0.98

01:43:57.000 And I walk in and there's Alan Alda. 0.99

01:43:59.000 Is that his name?

01:43:59.000 From MASH. Just staring at me like this.

01:44:02.000 Like he knew.

01:44:02.000 Like he was just like shaking his head.

01:44:04.000 It was so weird.

01:44:05.000 What?

01:44:07.000 What are you talking about?

01:44:08.000 I don't get it.

01:44:09.000 I walked into Starbucks and Alan Aldo was...

01:44:10.000 And he was staring at me?

01:44:11.000 He was just staring at me. 0.99

01:44:12.000 But right when I walked in, I was like, holy shit. 0.99

01:44:14.000 How high were you? 0.99

01:44:15.000 How high were you?

01:44:15.000 I was super high when all this happened.

01:44:17.000 This is the most ridiculous conversation ever. 0.97

01:44:18.000 You should have started off this conversation by saying how high you were. 0.99

01:44:21.000 Because you're like, Alan Aldo was staring at me and I was really freaking out. 0.99

01:44:25.000 Like, what the fuck kind of a conversation are we having here? 1.00

01:44:29.000 What the fuck kind of... 1.00

01:44:30.000 What kind of a story is that? 1.00

01:44:31.000 It's what happened to me yesterday.

01:44:32.000 You left out the most important part.

01:44:34.000 This is one of the reasons why pot should be illegal. 0.68

01:44:36.000 Now I'm on the other side of the fence.

01:44:38.000 I need some more weed litter, but here's what I don't believe.

01:44:40.000 Want some right now?

01:44:40.000 Yeah.

01:44:41.000 Here's what I don't believe in.

01:44:42.000 I don't believe in psychics.

01:44:43.000 I don't believe that corporations like BP have anything to do with, like, are able to pull off murders or any of that stuff.

01:44:50.000 Wait a minute.

01:44:51.000 Come on, man. 1.00

01:44:51.000 You're silly. 1.00

01:44:52.000 All wars are based on oil. 1.00

01:44:53.000 Yeah, and all wars...

01:44:55.000 Pretty much.

01:44:56.000 Wow, how loud is that?

01:44:57.000 It wasn't based on oil, necessarily.

01:45:00.000 Why is it so loud?

01:45:01.000 It's extra loud, right? 0.94

01:45:02.000 Because you left it on all week and it's going to blow the fuck up? 0.87

01:45:05.000 No, it's touching something.

01:45:07.000 The war made the oil more expensive in a lot of ways, so I don't know why. 0.99

01:45:10.000 Yeah, because they're making more money, those cunts. 1.00

01:45:13.000 Yeah, but they're not the ones that, you know, 911. It's fucking moving. 1.00

01:45:16.000 That's not how things work. 0.99

01:45:19.000 You say that, dude, but how can you say that with any level of certainty? 0.99

01:45:22.000 That's ridiculous. 0.95

01:45:23.000 I can say it with a lot of level of certainty. 0.98

01:45:25.000 You can't say how corporations are working when there's so many instances of corporations killing people.

01:45:31.000 But they all have different agendas, is all I'm saying.

01:45:34.000 Like, if you're a bank, you have a different agenda.

01:45:36.000 When you watch a movie.

01:45:37.000 You're competing against another bank, you know.

01:45:38.000 And there's a movie where someone is trying to make money and something goes wrong and then they hire a hitman like Jason Statham.

01:45:47.000 Right.

01:45:48.000 Based on what? 1.00

01:45:49.000 Based on human fucking nature. 1.00

01:45:50.000 We know it's possible. 0.99

01:45:52.000 We're not talking about superpowers.

01:45:53.000 We're talking about someone having someone killed because it would cost them billions and billions of dollars.

01:45:57.000 You don't think it's possible?

01:45:58.000 It's a boardroom.

01:45:59.000 The problem with this BP story is it has all the elements of an internet hoax.

01:46:04.000 I mean, it's fantastic.

01:46:06.000 It's unresearchable.

01:46:07.000 And I'm trying to research it.

01:46:09.000 And by the way, if you're telling me that all those investigative journalists out there from all those newspapers who are always looking for a story wouldn't be all over that, believe me, they would be all over that. 0.94

01:46:17.000 Yeah, maybe, but this is sort of like some kind of shit that you have to be really, really, really, really, really sure about. 0.84

01:46:24.000 You're not going to get this published in Time Magazine. 0.91

01:46:25.000 I want you, on your podcast, to bring a reputable investigative journalist on this show so we can talk about what a news...

01:46:33.000 Yeah, hello, reputable investigative journalist.

01:46:36.000 This is called The Volcano, and what's inside here is marijuana vapor.

01:46:40.000 It's way better for your lungs.

01:46:41.000 Have them come in! 0.91

01:46:42.000 Why here?

01:46:43.000 This is legit, bro.

01:46:44.000 We're ranked on iTunes.

01:46:45.000 We're like number two.

01:46:46.000 Are you?

01:46:47.000 Yeah, it's always like number one or number two.

01:46:49.000 It was number five.

01:46:51.000 Anything Joe Rogan does doesn't surprise me.

01:46:53.000 Joe Rogan can do it all.

01:46:54.000 You've always been a winner, my friend.

01:46:55.000 And I love you.

01:46:56.000 I love you too.

01:46:58.000 But I think it's the weed talking.

01:47:00.000 I'm not that high, I'm telling you.

01:47:01.000 Why is it so harsh on the throat?

01:47:02.000 Because I think your thing is too hot.

01:47:05.000 Really?

01:47:06.000 Yeah, I think it's smoking it too much.

01:47:08.000 Sorry about that, Coach.

01:47:11.000 Yeah, you might be right. 1.00

01:47:12.000 I'm gonna kill him. 1.00

01:47:13.000 Volcano's very tricky. 1.00

01:47:16.000 Some guy just got life in jail for his third weed.

01:47:21.000 Third weed.

01:47:23.000 Is this on camera?

01:47:24.000 I'm never going to be alone.

01:47:25.000 Fourth marijuana conviction gets Slidell, Louisiana.

01:47:28.000 Man, life in prison.

01:47:30.000 He's a repeat offender.

01:47:31.000 And by this repeat offender, the jury found him defending guilty of attempting to possess and distribute marijuana.

01:47:38.000 The dude was selling weed.

01:47:40.000 And they put him in jail for life. 1.00

01:47:42.000 Goddamn. 1.00

01:47:43.000 For life. 1.00

01:47:43.000 And he's 35 years old. 1.00

01:47:45.000 Terrible. 0.99

01:47:45.000 Like, that's ridiculous. 0.99

01:47:46.000 Terrible. 0.99

01:47:46.000 It's a tragedy. 0.99

01:47:47.000 It's the only way pot kills you. 0.99

01:47:50.000 There's two ways.

01:47:51.000 Wait, wait, wait.

01:47:51.000 What was all four times?

01:47:52.000 The same thing?

01:47:54.000 Yeah, sells weed.

01:47:55.000 All right, that guy probably deserves to be in jail. 0.99

01:47:57.000 I think after the second or third time, all right, dude, just fucking start fucking making a different job. 0.99

01:48:01.000 Okay, what? 0.99

01:48:02.000 For selling weed?

01:48:02.000 Dude.

01:48:03.000 Yes.

01:48:04.000 No, the law is unjust.

01:48:05.000 It's unjust.

01:48:06.000 Right.

01:48:06.000 Yeah, but it's not like he's hurting people.

01:48:08.000 Yes.

01:48:09.000 He's definitely not the brightest guy in the world.

01:48:10.000 But what he's doing is he's not hurting anyone. 0.98

01:48:12.000 We have too many fucking laws. 0.97

01:48:14.000 You don't feel bad for him because it's not you, dude. 0.99

01:48:16.000 No.

01:48:16.000 Because it easily could be.

01:48:17.000 Don't be silly. 0.98

01:48:18.000 I think any type of strike thing. 1.00

01:48:20.000 If you have four DUIs, I think you deserve to be fucking locked up. 1.00

01:48:23.000 You're just a fucking retard. 1.00

01:48:25.000 Okay, but four DUIs are dangerous. 1.00

01:48:27.000 You're hurting people.

01:48:28.000 You're scaring people.

01:48:28.000 It doesn't matter.

01:48:29.000 Brian, that matters a lot.

01:48:31.000 It matters, but it also matters that this guy's been in trouble three times, two times, shouldn't sell weed anymore.

01:48:36.000 Okay, you're right, but you're giving in to the man.

01:48:40.000 You're saying whatever rules that you make, as illogical as they are, I'm going to fall by them because I don't want to get locked in a cage.

01:48:46.000 What I'm saying is there's no way you should be locking someone in a cage for that.

01:48:50.000 It doesn't make any sense.

01:48:50.000 And if someone does that, they're the criminals.

01:48:53.000 When you have a society, a complex society, With a massive amount of access to information, literally you can find the answers to any question instantly on your phone.

01:49:01.000 When you have a law that's in place that's completely illogical, like marijuana laws, and then you prosecute people for them, and then you lock them in jail, you are the criminal. 0.99

01:49:10.000 You are the one who's going against logic and nature with all your fucking silly studies. 1.00

01:49:16.000 Ron Paul just owned some motherfucker the other day on the Senate floor. 1.00

01:49:22.000 And the guy was talking about marijuana. 0.99

01:49:25.000 Yeah, because he said he thought heroin should be legal, I think.

01:49:28.000 Ron Paul just clowned them about personal use, freedom of use.

01:49:32.000 And if heroin was legal, do you think we'd all be using heroin?

01:49:35.000 Right, exactly.

01:49:36.000 I mean, it was so on the money, man, about all of it. 0.99

01:49:40.000 We need less fucking laws. 0.99

01:49:42.000 All you people out there that are involved in this industry of laws, an industry of creating jobs that are attached to laws, you're leeches. 1.00

01:49:51.000 This is leeching off society. 1.00

01:49:53.000 It's a fucking loophole. 0.99

01:49:54.000 And if we got rid of that loophole and forced everybody that has some shitbag jobs for locking people up for pot, we would force those people to have more productive lives because they would have to evolve. 0.99

01:50:04.000 You would have to contribute.

01:50:05.000 I think that more than any other time in our country's history, the discussion about legalizing drugs is very much alive.

01:50:12.000 And even politicians like Ron Paul who have a growing following It's slowly evolving.

01:50:19.000 But not fast enough.

01:50:21.000 Not fast enough for logic or my taste.

01:50:24.000 It's not changing enough in my lifetime.

01:50:26.000 It is changing.

01:50:27.000 I mean, the climate here in California especially is really revolutionary. 0.97

01:50:31.000 If you drive down the street near my house, there's fucking five weed stores in a one-block area. 0.96

01:50:37.000 It's really... 0.99

01:50:38.000 That is incredible.

01:50:39.000 But it's not changing enough. 1.00

01:50:40.000 There's still plenty of fucking morons with silly ideas about forcing people into other... 1.00

01:50:46.000 There's a reason why the United States is not competing with the rest of the world as far as things we produce. 1.00

01:50:51.000 It's because a lot of people aren't producing shit. 1.00

01:50:53.000 They're just a part of some weird fucking system. 1.00

01:50:56.000 Some weird system. 0.99

01:50:58.000 It's a very weird system that doesn't necessarily make any sense.

01:51:01.000 Our financial system doesn't necessarily make sense.

01:51:04.000 We don't really produce anything.

01:51:06.000 You know, Putin said it best when he was analyzing the United States economy before the crash.

01:51:10.000 He said, I don't understand the American economy.

01:51:12.000 All they seem to be doing is buying and selling each other's houses.

01:51:15.000 And he's right. 0.93

01:51:16.000 What the fuck else do we do anymore? 0.96

01:51:18.000 We make Mustangs and Camaros and Corvettes and a couple other things. 0.97

01:51:21.000 We have a very powerful...

01:51:24.000 Military.

01:51:25.000 No, no, no.

01:51:26.000 Computer industry.

01:51:27.000 Yeah, we do that.

01:51:28.000 Innovation, art.

01:51:30.000 And medical innovation and stuff like that.

01:51:31.000 We have a lot of stuff. 0.99

01:51:33.000 It could be argued, though, that if there were less laws, and there were more freedom, and there was less people in these fucking bullshit, parasitic government jobs, that those people would be forced to contribute. 0.99

01:51:43.000 You're damn right. 0.99

01:51:43.000 Maybe they would become cabinet makers. 0.99

01:51:44.000 That's a huge, that's a great argument, because you're right.

01:51:46.000 Maybe they'd become authors.

01:51:47.000 You're right.

01:51:48.000 They would contribute. 0.99

01:51:49.000 It is a form of social welfare to have shit jobs that aren't necessary. 0.96

01:51:53.000 There was a great article in the Wall Street Journal about how a lot of states, three out of one job are government jobs, not private sector jobs, not manufacturing jobs. 0.96

01:52:02.000 When you hear, like, the government created new jobs, and you know what a lot of those jobs are?

01:52:07.000 Surveyors. 0.98

01:52:07.000 And weird fucking government positions that are unnecessary. 0.98

01:52:11.000 That doesn't build anything. 0.99

01:52:11.000 That's not what made this country great. 0.99

01:52:14.000 Bureaucrats, and you're absolutely right.

01:52:15.000 And it is a form of social welfare, because if you give someone a job and make it so they don't have to find their path, it's like I've always said, the greatest thing that ever happened to me when I was 21 years old, I played the lottery once.

01:52:25.000 I won a free ticket.

01:52:26.000 If I played it again, I won nothing.

01:52:28.000 And then I was done.

01:52:29.000 I said, I quit.

01:52:30.000 That's it.

01:52:31.000 What if I was 21 and broke and scared and lost and I won the lottery?

01:52:34.000 That would have been the worst curse ever.

01:52:36.000 I would have never found my way in life. 0.99

01:52:37.000 And if you get some shitty fucking easy government job that you can't get fired from and then that becomes your life, well, guess what? 0.98

01:52:43.000 You're not going to find your place either, man. 0.99

01:52:45.000 No.

01:52:45.000 It's a form almost of social welfare.

01:52:47.000 Yeah, it is.

01:52:49.000 We need less.

01:52:50.000 Less of everything. 0.99

01:52:51.000 And that's why a guy like Ron Paul is on the fucking money, man. 1.00

01:52:54.000 That bad motherfucker. 1.00

01:52:55.000 I love that guy. 1.00

01:52:56.000 Oh, he's the best.

01:52:57.000 And the other guy, Gary Johnson, the former governor of New Mexico, same thing.

01:53:01.000 Stanhope had a great point.

01:53:02.000 He said, I like him.

01:53:03.000 He goes, same sense, less Jesus.

01:53:05.000 But I don't mind Ron Paul's Jesus.

01:53:08.000 I don't mind any of it.

01:53:09.000 Because the way he talks is the way, in my mind, is America.

01:53:13.000 What in my mind is, there's an ideal.

01:53:15.000 He believes in personal freedom and responsibility and allowing people to make their own choices.

01:53:22.000 And makes the call on what is really going on and why we're invested in all these different parts of the world and what we're really doing.

01:53:29.000 He's honest about it and he's saying this is not what America should be all about.

01:53:32.000 And he says that all the time.

01:53:33.000 This is not what this Constitution was supposed to mean.

01:53:36.000 This is not what our founding fathers wanted.

01:53:38.000 This is supposed to be the best example possible of what you can do with a society.

01:53:44.000 This is 2011. We've learned from the Greeks. 0.99

01:53:46.000 We've learned from the Romans.

01:53:47.000 We've learned from the Nazis. 0.94

01:53:48.000 We've learned from everybody.

01:53:49.000 We've got it down.

01:53:50.000 But we don't.

01:53:51.000 We don't.

01:53:52.000 And it's transparent how we don't.

01:53:54.000 It's all there. 0.99

01:53:55.000 Every time, like, Obama recently passed some fucking new law about genetically modified food, and it's going to fuck over all these organic farmers, man. 1.00

01:54:03.000 And this shit's been going on for a while. 1.00

01:54:06.000 Monsanto's involved with a lot of fucking creepy shit, man. 1.00

01:54:08.000 And the government is behind all this. 1.00

01:54:10.000 There's a good book, though, about that.

01:54:13.000 Again, when you talk about technology, Monsanto and these other companies that do genetic engineering, the only way we're going to feed the growing population is through genetic engineering.

01:54:21.000 Now, there's a good way to do it.

01:54:23.000 There's a bad way to do it.

01:54:24.000 Obviously, it comes with risks.

01:54:26.000 It also comes with a great deal of promise.

01:54:28.000 But genetic engineering is in all of your future, whether you like it or not.

01:54:33.000 You don't have the soil to farm organically and feed all the people in Africa, for example, and et cetera, et cetera.

01:54:40.000 Right, but isn't the real...

01:54:41.000 I mean, the real problem is sustainability, but the real problem is also that you get to own that.

01:54:45.000 You own a plant, and Monsanto is inherently...

01:54:48.000 They're trying to... 0.97

01:54:50.000 First of all, they tried to patent pigs. 0.84

01:54:51.000 Do you know that?

01:54:52.000 There's going to be a lot of that, and they're going to figure this out in the courts, but the bottom line is this.

01:54:56.000 One thing that...

01:54:56.000 One of the promises of genetic engineering is that we will maybe never have to use any pesticides And if you want to talk about agricultural runoff, that's one of the biggest forms of pollutants in all our waterways.

01:55:09.000 So, for example, if you could come up with a kernel of rice, an apple that requires no spraying because in it, it has genes that are not only incredibly nutritious but that can ward off any kind of a pest, that's something that is going to be in our future.

01:55:22.000 It doesn't come with risks.

01:55:24.000 Are there problems?

01:55:25.000 Do I feel weird about taking the gene of a jellyfish and putting it into a strawberry because it actually keeps it from freezing so you can ship it farther?

01:55:33.000 Yes.

01:55:34.000 This is where Adam Carolla would come in.

01:55:36.000 What we got here, it's going to be great in about 10 years.

01:55:42.000 Right now, you don't want to get in on the ground floor.

01:55:45.000 You don't want to get in here with all this genetic engineering.

01:55:49.000 You want to wait.

01:55:51.000 That's what he would do.

01:55:52.000 Oh, by the way, we taught him what you said to him about the improv.

01:55:56.000 He actually repeated it.

01:55:57.000 He repeated it to us and said that it was the happiest he'd ever been.

01:56:01.000 And you made him so happy.

01:56:02.000 And I concurred.

01:56:04.000 I said, you know, I brought it up.

01:56:05.000 I said, Brian Callen said this, and I think he's absolutely right.

01:56:07.000 He's the best at, like, tying together these long rants and making them work.

01:56:13.000 If I listen to him, I can get him.

01:56:14.000 I could start doing Adam Cole in my act.

01:56:17.000 Yeah, he's got a, you know, one of those things.

01:56:19.000 Kind of that smarty kind of Norm Macdonald.

01:56:23.000 He's an interesting guy, man.

01:56:24.000 I really like him.

01:56:25.000 Smart guy.

01:56:26.000 He's very smart.

01:56:27.000 He's very smart in a very unique and interesting way.

01:56:29.000 My buddy boxes with him.

01:56:30.000 He says that he's got heavy hands.

01:56:33.000 Really?

01:56:33.000 Yeah, he's a good boxer.

01:56:34.000 You see the movie The Hammer?

01:56:35.000 No.

01:56:36.000 It's all about him being a boxer.

01:56:38.000 Well, I know he's...

01:56:39.000 He's fought in the ring.

01:56:40.000 Yeah, he's apparently...

01:56:41.000 He was a boxing trainer for a long time, too.

01:56:43.000 That's how he made a living in Hollywood.

01:56:45.000 Yeah, he's a good dude, man.

01:56:46.000 I really like that guy a lot.

01:56:47.000 Yeah, he's a great guy.

01:56:47.000 He's a very unusual thinker and an unabashed gearhead.

01:56:52.000 I love that, too.

01:56:53.000 Oh, is he?

01:56:53.000 Yeah.

01:56:53.000 Yeah, he loves cars, man.

01:56:55.000 I hate when people pretend... 0.58

01:56:56.000 Like, I read on some guy's thing, you know, he was shitting on someone for being middle-aged and buying a sports car that it was, you know, such a midlife crisis sort of a thing. 0.98

01:57:06.000 And I was like, God, what a silly way to look at that. 0.95

01:57:08.000 How come he's not just enjoying a car?

01:57:11.000 You can never make fun of anybody who's a gearhead because it's a passion.

01:57:14.000 It doesn't have to be anything rational or logical about it.

01:57:17.000 It's a passion.

01:57:17.000 Well, some people are born with the wrenching gene.

01:57:21.000 Yeah.

01:57:22.000 I was forced to have the wrenching gene, and I don't like it.

01:57:25.000 I'd rather have somebody else do it. 1.00

01:57:26.000 I have the driving gene, but I want someone who knows what the fuck they're doing to fix my shit. 1.00

01:57:30.000 You have the driving? 1.00

01:57:31.000 You've always loved...

01:57:32.000 I love cars.

01:57:34.000 Well, first of all, I'm a technology fanatic.

01:57:36.000 I'm obsessed with it.

01:57:37.000 I've always been obsessed with any new gadget.

01:57:40.000 I remember the first time I saw Pong, I was obsessed with it.

01:57:44.000 I couldn't believe that someone had figured out a way to make this move something on the TV. You were one of the first people I ever met who had email and stuff.

01:57:51.000 Oh, yeah.

01:57:52.000 What's this email thing?

01:57:53.000 I had a computer in 94, and I didn't send an email to anybody until like 98. Nobody had fucking email, man. 0.99

01:58:00.000 Now I hardly ever talk to any of my friends. 0.99

01:58:01.000 Me, Patton Oswalt, and I have been going back and forth on Twitter.

01:58:04.000 I'm supposed to call them, but I'm like, God, I actually have to call somebody and make a call.

01:58:08.000 You can go back and forth.

01:58:10.000 Talk about a funny dude, Patton.

01:58:11.000 I love his writing.

01:58:12.000 He's one of my favorite guys as far as taking a premise and beating the shit out of it and going all sorts of weird ways with it.

01:58:20.000 He's a really interesting guy.

01:58:21.000 I like him a lot.

01:58:22.000 He was a writer on MADtv when I first started.

01:58:24.000 Was he really?

01:58:25.000 Yeah, he was part of the original cast.

01:58:27.000 He was there.

01:58:27.000 I enjoy his CDs, I think.

01:58:29.000 He's my favorite guy to listen to on CDs.

01:58:31.000 I would come in and he'd have sketch ideas on the wall, and one was just explosive diarrhea, and then the other was feeling kind of rapey.

01:58:41.000 When we were doing the man show, that was one of the most fun things, to put up a bunch of ideas and try to make them.

01:58:50.000 I do that with my writing.

01:58:51.000 Do you do that?

01:58:52.000 See, I'm a little bored up there.

01:58:53.000 I do that with my act now, and I take a photo of it on my iPhone.

01:58:57.000 And then when I'm in a hotel room and I want to go over my notes, I just look at the photo.

01:59:00.000 And you could expand it, so I move it around, and it's easier than turning pages.

01:59:05.000 It's, you know, technology, man.

01:59:07.000 It's making it all easier.

01:59:08.000 But I think writing something down and, like, putting it up there for you.

01:59:13.000 There's something about creating when you write things down and then put it in, like, a little box and then stick the box on the wall and then step back and look at it.

01:59:20.000 It's like, instead of, like, being on top of it, writing it, and being immersed in the words, just put it on the wall and step back.

01:59:27.000 Any really, really successful screenplay writer I've ever spoken to does exactly that.

01:59:32.000 They never just sit down and write.

01:59:34.000 Really?

01:59:34.000 Not one.

01:59:34.000 Really?

01:59:35.000 Wow.

01:59:35.000 From Alan Ball, who I talked to, who wrote American Beauty, who I talked to about how he starts his scripts and stuff, and he said character, but any of those guys, all of them, Todd Phillips, they outline the shit out of it.

01:59:49.000 They see it up on a board, and I don't know one director or one writer, certainly not one screenplay writer, not one, who makes a fortune Who's a successful screenplay writer, a professional, who doesn't do that.

02:00:00.000 I just started doing it recently.

02:00:01.000 I've been writing forever.

02:00:03.000 It's the way to do it.

02:00:04.000 That's why a lot of people write a screenplay and then they just end up running out of steam or it just doesn't quite work.

02:00:09.000 There's a real sort of structure and technique to writing.

02:00:15.000 You see, even novelists.

02:00:17.000 Novelists will lay it out, man.

02:00:18.000 I mean, John Irving...

02:00:19.000 For his last book, it took seven years to write that book.

02:00:22.000 Seven.

02:00:23.000 Think about the act of faith that would require.

02:00:25.000 Because it had to be thematic.

02:00:27.000 He created these characters.

02:00:28.000 It was very autobiographical.

02:00:29.000 What was the book?

02:00:31.000 A Year in Mystic River.

02:00:33.000 One Year in Mystic River, I believe it's called.

02:00:35.000 What is it about?

02:00:36.000 It's very autobiographical about... 1.00

02:00:38.000 Sucking cock? 1.00

02:00:39.000 No. 1.00

02:00:40.000 John Irving is...

02:00:41.000 Excuse me, sir.

02:00:43.000 Imagine it took him seven years and it's always about blowing dudes by the river.

02:00:45.000 Have you ever...

02:00:48.000 Imagine he turns this in.

02:00:50.000 This is his magnus opus.

02:00:51.000 Have you ever read...

02:00:52.000 Have you ever read any of his books?

02:00:53.000 No.

02:00:53.000 Oh, dude, I can't believe you haven't read...

02:00:54.000 John Irving is...

02:00:55.000 You know what, dude?

02:00:55.000 I kind of stopped reading fiction a long time ago.

02:00:57.000 I started reading some Joe Hill recently, Stephen King's brother.

02:01:00.000 Yeah, I started reading it again because it's fun. 0.99

02:01:03.000 And I realized I was reading too much creepy shit. 0.98

02:01:05.000 It's almost like what I was talking about. 0.99

02:01:06.000 I'm writing a whole bit about it in my act now, about the apocalypse.

02:01:11.000 It's here, but it's not here.

02:01:13.000 You know what I mean?

02:01:13.000 What I said earlier, the way I phrased it was the first time I ever phrased it that way, that it's here and it's not here.

02:01:17.000 But I'm writing this whole big chunk about that.

02:01:20.000 And so it's forcing me. 0.99

02:01:22.000 I'm constantly reading all this nutty fucking shit about the world, and I'm like, God damn it, this is not that fun. 0.99

02:01:28.000 You can freak out about fucking supermassive black holes and super volcanoes, and you can freak out about the shifting of the polar ice caps, and it really doesn't make life any more interesting. 1.00

02:01:40.000 You know, life is fun for like a fucking hour and a half. 0.98

02:01:43.000 You know what I'm saying? 0.99

02:01:44.000 If you pick up a good...

02:01:45.000 Joe Hill is Stephen King's son, and he's a horror writer as well.

02:01:48.000 Really?

02:01:48.000 Yeah, he's good, dude.

02:01:49.000 He's good.

02:01:50.000 No!

02:01:50.000 I'm almost done with Heart-Shaped Box.

02:01:53.000 Great fucking scary. 1.00

02:01:55.000 Holy shit! 1.00

02:01:55.000 It's about a guy who is a rock and roll star, like some creepy Marilyn Manson, who buys this dead guy's suit. 1.00

02:02:03.000 Online because it's haunted it comes with a ghost and he thinks he's being accused so he buys this dead guy suit I don't want to say any more about the plot because the plot is brilliant like how it's all established and set up but it's a fucking page-turner and it's so much more fun than reading a Michael Rupert book about the collapse of civilization you know smoking cigarettes collapse documentary have you ever watched you want to shit your pants watch that collapse documentary what is that?

02:02:28.000 It's Michael Rupert.

02:02:29.000 He's this guy who used to be a former LA cop who busted the CIA selling drugs in LA neighborhoods and went public with it.

02:02:35.000 And eventually left the police force and was told that he was supposed to let these people go when he caught them.

02:02:39.000 And he's, you know, very, very vocal about it.

02:02:41.000 Always worried he's going to get assassinated.

02:02:43.000 Well, that started this downward spiral of doubt and doom.

The Joe Rogan Experience - May 09, 2011

Joe Rogan Experience #105 - Bryan Callen (Part 1)

Episode Stats

Summary

Transcript