The Joe Rogan Experience - Joe Rogan Experience #108 - Joey Diaz

00:00:00.000 Ladies and gentlemen, the Joe Rogan Experience Podcast is brought to you by the fleshlight.

00:00:00.000 Yep.

00:00:05.000 If you go to joerogan.net and click on the link that says flushlight and enter in the code name Rogan, you will get 15% off the number one sex toy for men.

00:00:16.000 Oh shit.

00:00:17.000 And with that said, it's so nice to be back.

00:00:20.000 Buckle up, bitches. 1.00

00:00:21.000 Mad flavors on this.

00:00:24.000 The Joe Rogan Experience.

00:00:37.000 Ladies and gentlemen, we have returned back from the depths from the silence of two weeks.

00:00:42.000 Two weeks?

00:00:42.000 Two plus weeks?

00:00:43.000 Yeah, it's been a fucking long time.

00:00:44.000 Even I was missing it.

00:00:45.000 It's been a long time.

00:00:46.000 I was missing doing it.

00:00:47.000 I was missing it.

00:00:49.000 And I appreciate all the emails and everything.

00:00:50.000 I had to do a movie, and it took off all my time.

00:00:54.000 There was no time to do it.

00:00:55.000 And I was going to half-ass a podcast on the set with some people, but I got sick.

00:01:00.000 Tommy Segora fucked me up, man.

00:01:02.000 Fucked me up, too.

00:01:04.000 Tom Segura is one of those dudes that's always sick.

00:01:06.000 He gets sick like four times a year.

00:01:08.000 Like, you know, that's a lot, you know, three, four times a year, he said.

00:01:12.000 And we did Cobs, and he showed up first day sick as shit.

00:01:16.000 And I'm like, you okay?

00:01:17.000 He's like, yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:01:17.000 Like, you okay?

00:01:18.000 I think I'm going to be okay.

00:01:19.000 I just, you know, just get some rest tonight.

00:01:20.000 And meanwhile, he had the flu.

00:01:22.000 He had the flu and he gave it to all of us.

00:01:22.000 All right.

00:01:24.000 He just, you know, didn't know he had the flu.

00:01:26.000 He just thought he was going to gut it out.

00:01:27.000 And I was okay on Thursday, but then Friday night, I started feeling like shit.

00:01:31.000 And then Saturday, I took, you know, Acimetamphenophenin.

00:01:35.000 Was that stuff?

00:01:36.000 Acimetophenamin.

00:01:37.000 And then a really long name that's from a different country.

00:01:39.000 I took that shit and, you know, it dried my nose up enough so I could perform, but I was clearly like a little cloudy.

00:01:45.000 You know, I was like, I was feeling it come on.

00:01:46.000 And then I had to fly all the way to fucking Boston.

00:01:48.000 And it's just something about those tubes filled with other people's air.

00:01:53.000 That is like the worst thing for your immune system.

00:01:55.000 If you've got like a kink in your immune system and then you get on a plane, whoa, do you get jacked.

00:02:01.000 I landed in Boston.

00:02:03.000 I had the shakes.

00:02:04.000 I was like sweating in bed and then I wake up freezing.

00:02:08.000 Like all of it just swamped with me.

00:02:10.000 What are you telling me?

00:02:10.000 Now I'm going to be sick today.

00:02:11.000 Don't make out with Tom Segura.

00:02:13.000 I've been healthy now for like a whole week.

00:02:15.000 Yeah, but you still got the bug in your body.

00:02:16.000 What the fuck do you know?

00:02:17.000 I got shit to do this with you.

00:02:18.000 Well, as long as we're not making out or sharing a microphone.

00:02:20.000 There ain't nobody going to fucking swap spit here, but it's in the air.

00:02:22.000 You know these microbes are swaps.

00:02:23.000 We just shared a joint.

00:02:24.000 What do you think?

00:02:25.000 I know.

00:02:25.000 I'm fucking done.

00:02:26.000 I got to go home and fucking open up all those vitamin C packs and eat like 18 of them tonight.

00:02:30.000 And I got to fuck.

00:02:32.000 I don't think I'm contagious.

00:02:33.000 The doctor told me I'm not contagious once your fever breaks.

00:02:36.000 He says you're not contagious.

00:02:37.000 My girlfriend got fucked.

00:02:38.000 I thought.

00:02:38.000 That's right, though.

00:02:39.000 I got a little bit of it, but my girlfriend is dead.

00:02:41.000 Really?

00:02:41.000 Yeah, it skipped over me.

00:02:42.000 You got to be careful.

00:02:44.000 When you pull all-nighters and do stupid shit, and this is when you realize it.

00:02:47.000 Like, when I got it, I was playing pool in San Francisco because Thursday night we did a show, and then I went out and played pool late, late till like 6, 6.30 in the morning, and then drove in.

00:02:58.000 I was exhausted, and I just jacked my immune system.

00:03:00.000 Yeah.

00:03:01.000 And then the next day, I had it.

00:03:02.000 Plus the night before, plus your chi was down from the fucking flying.

00:03:05.000 The chi is down.

00:03:06.000 That's when the fucking flu goes right through your ears.

00:03:09.000 And boom, once it grabs you, you're look, it grabbed you, bro.

00:03:12.000 That's a strong flu.

00:03:13.000 Yeah.

00:03:13.000 What you're telling me is by the time you got on the plane, you were already getting the chills and shit.

00:03:16.000 That's a strong-ass fucking flu.

00:03:18.000 What is it going on in the plane?

00:03:19.000 Is it just the recycled air?

00:03:21.000 Is that what it is?

00:03:22.000 It's just terrible for you.

00:03:23.000 It's the altitude.

00:03:24.000 Is that terrible for you too?

00:03:25.000 Is that what fucks you up?

00:03:26.000 And my altitude?

00:03:27.000 I heard, Cece, we've talked about, I think this before, but I heard that the recycled air in the plane is actually really good.

00:03:33.000 Like there's a really good air system.

00:03:34.000 Did you hear that from Ann Coulter?

00:03:36.000 No, no.

00:03:36.000 They did like a dateline thing about it, and I think they actually talked to the people that designed the air systems and planes, and they said that, no, they're really good.

00:03:43.000 They're filtered really well.

00:03:44.000 So what's the problem?

00:03:46.000 I think it has to be an altitude.

00:03:47.000 It's just the flu marinated in you, bro.

00:03:50.000 The flu marinated in the flu.

00:03:52.000 And listen, you know, we've been getting flus once a year with kids.

00:03:55.000 We're over 40 years old.

00:03:56.000 I haven't gotten one in a couple of years.

00:03:58.000 I've been real good about it.

00:03:59.000 The flu gets stronger.

00:04:00.000 These strains, isn't that what they call it?

00:04:02.000 A flu are fucking getting stronger.

00:04:04.000 Did you know that they all come from farm animals?

00:04:07.000 Supposedly, yes.

00:04:08.000 Almost all of them.

00:04:09.000 Almost all of them come from domesticated animals.

00:04:11.000 They come from pigs and chickens and birds.

00:04:13.000 And, you know, that's why when they said it's the bird flu, and I was like, holy shit, the bird flu.

00:04:17.000 Well, they're kind of all bird flus.

00:04:18.000 Or pig flus, a swine flu.

00:04:20.000 They're fucking livestock diseases a lot of times.

00:04:23.000 You know, we were probably making these fucking things by forcing all these animals to live in shit and be on top of each other.

00:04:29.000 That's probably where these things come from.

00:04:30.000 I mean, I don't know.

00:04:31.000 But when you start telling me that a lot of flus are livestock diseases and you know what the fuck we do to livestock, there's got to be some sort of a connection.

00:04:39.000 Absolutely.

00:04:40.000 You know, the livestock industry should be responsible for all those deaths if that could be proven.

00:04:44.000 What if it's possible to prove that they're the reason why the flu exists?

00:04:48.000 But then again, you need pork jobs. 1.00

00:04:49.000 So what the fuck?

00:04:51.000 Did you see the pyramid shit where they took a robot through that?

00:04:54.000 Yeah, they did.

00:04:55.000 Yeah, they saw some writing that had been unseen for at least 4,000 years, I think.

00:05:00.000 Yeah, what is it?

00:05:01.000 It was like red.

00:05:02.000 I was trying to figure it out.

00:05:03.000 I couldn't even see by those pictures.

00:05:05.000 I was in Boston, and while I was there, when I started feeling better, I went to the museum and went to the Museum of Fine Arts, and they had all this Egyptian art.

00:05:13.000 And it was all like ancient, ancient shit, like 2000 BC, you know, all the way up to like Cleopatra's era, which is like the later eras.

00:05:21.000 It's fucking fascinating stuff, man.

00:05:23.000 You know, when you really get into Egypt, how weird they are in comparison to us, like when you just look at like what they did, they had this like super advanced culture that was completely different than ours.

00:05:34.000 Like so completely different that their writings was all image-based.

00:05:38.000 Instead of like having letters, they had like images that represent symbols.

00:05:42.000 And so all their writing is their conceptual, like the way they looked at the world was completely different than the way we look at it.

00:05:51.000 The way we look at things with our writing and our language and our Western interpretation of morals and values and what's important and what's not important.

00:05:59.000 This is just something we sort of settled on.

00:06:01.000 And what you see with the ancient Egyptians is, well, here was this really advanced culture that was capable of these incredible architectural masterpieces that we are puzzled by today.

00:06:13.000 Like they'll tell you that they know how they built the pyramids.

00:06:15.000 Oh, we figured it out.

00:06:16.000 It is such a staggering accomplishment that these people, 2,500 BC, built these immense, perfect stone structures.

00:06:28.000 I mean, they're fucking big.

00:06:30.000 2,300,000 stones that weigh between 2 and 80 tons, and some of them were cut from a quarry that was 500 fucking miles away.

00:06:39.000 I mean, these people were bad, bad motherfuckers.

00:06:43.000 They were doing some shit that none of us in this room could ever fucking figure out.

00:06:46.000 It was complex mathematics, too, because you had to have every stone cut perfectly by the time you got to the top, because any little room for error, your shit would be cockeyed.

00:06:56.000 You're 2,300,000 stones in the Great Pyramid.

00:07:00.000 Think about how perfect you have to be the entire way and adjust all the way.

00:07:04.000 And it's not like those stones are like this small on one side and huge on the other and it's all, they tried to bounce it out at the end.

00:07:10.000 No, no, no, no, no.

00:07:11.000 The shit is perfect.

00:07:13.000 And 2,500,000 years ago.

00:07:15.000 And it used to be, we look at it now, it's all fucked up and crumply. 0.99

00:07:19.000 That's because they raided it.

00:07:20.000 It was covered in smooth limestone.

00:07:23.000 They must have been so fucking beautiful.

00:07:25.000 But when they built Cairo, they stole all the limestone from the pyramids. 0.80

00:07:30.000 Those little ape monkey people just chipped away at what their great, great ancestors had created. 1.00

00:07:35.000 You know, these people that are living today on their fucking stupid cars and all the ridiculous way that we look at the world.

00:07:40.000 These crazy fucking people, they didn't have electricity.

00:07:44.000 They didn't have any of this shit.

00:07:45.000 No drills, no drills, nothing.

00:07:47.000 Copper tombs.

00:07:48.000 All they can prove.

00:07:48.000 Nothing.

00:07:49.000 No Twitter.

00:07:50.000 You don't see them fucking crying.

00:07:52.000 Going to therapy.

00:07:53.000 Drinking five-hour fucking energy like us. 0.51

00:07:56.000 Is there any fucking almost, think about that?

00:07:58.000 Is there anything that makes you respect a dude less than when he gets into a Twitter world with his girlfriend online?

00:08:04.000 Oh, that's the worst.

00:08:05.000 I don't even know the word.

00:08:06.000 Have you seen one recently?

00:08:08.000 God, I've seen a ton of them.

00:08:09.000 I've seen people arguing with their spouses on Twitter.

00:08:12.000 Janet James and TORTs do it. 1.00

00:08:14.000 Yeah.

00:08:15.000 They do like public, like really public, important shit.

00:08:18.000 Get arrested for fucking Twitter.

00:08:18.000 What are you going to do?

00:08:20.000 Let me ask you something.

00:08:21.000 I guess they do it, but that's like a publicity thing maybe because maybe they're savvy.

00:08:26.000 Maybe they're celebrity savvy.

00:08:28.000 You know, they had to keep their name out there.

00:08:29.000 I mean, you could come up with a rationale for a famous person doing it.

00:08:33.000 I guess.

00:08:34.000 If you're one of those famous people that wants to be on a reality show, you know, I can understand.

00:08:38.000 But I know dudes who are regular dudes who are having like Twitter wars with their girlfriend online where the girlfriend will say, it would be amazing if I had a man in my life that actually cared about what I think.

00:08:50.000 And then, you know, the guy will come back on.

00:08:51.000 It would be amazing.

00:08:52.000 You think those Egyptians were doing that shit? 1.00

00:08:54.000 No, of course.

00:08:54.000 Swittering that girl, they'd be smacking, getting their dick sucked, carrying rocks all fucking day, like savages.

00:09:00.000 Can you ask you something?

00:09:01.000 Cleopatra, she invented shining up the lips to remind you that she sucked cock. 1.00

00:09:06.000 Think how deep these fucking motherfuckers are. 0.99

00:09:07.000 But you know what's going on, Joe Rogan?

00:09:09.000 Let me tell you, you said something that was very interesting.

00:09:11.000 Google it.

00:09:12.000 We're really part of the AD society.

00:09:15.000 What is it going to take?

00:09:16.000 What are people going to talk about us like there was BC, there was AD?

00:09:20.000 Right.

00:09:21.000 Then what's going to happen?

00:09:22.000 What are we put us in?

00:09:22.000 Right.

00:09:23.000 Maybe it's post-nuclear.

00:09:24.000 Maybe it's post-nuclear.

00:09:25.000 It's got to be post-nuclear.

00:09:26.000 I was thinking about this the other day.

00:09:27.000 How interesting is that that someday we're going to be what BC is to us?

00:09:32.000 Post-nuclear makes sense. 0.95

00:09:34.000 That they would one day.

00:09:35.000 PN?

00:09:35.000 Yeah, I would think that makes sense.

00:09:37.000 That one day they would just say, you know, what changed everything.

00:09:40.000 Are you a PN or an AD?

00:09:41.000 Yeah.

00:09:42.000 I don't know, dog.

00:09:43.000 I'll be back.

00:09:44.000 I got to check.

00:09:46.000 Yeah, what do you want to be?

00:09:48.000 How do you want to be defined?

00:09:49.000 How fucking crazy is that that someday we're going to be part of AD?

00:09:53.000 It's going to be something like that.

00:09:55.000 And, you know, I mean, the same way, BC.

00:09:57.000 I can't even imagine thinking about BC.

00:09:59.000 When I think of BC, I think of people with sandals, with beards, you know, smoking fucking trees.

00:10:05.000 Does AD stand for after death?

00:10:07.000 After Christ died?

00:10:08.000 I think so.

00:10:09.000 I think so.

00:10:10.000 I think it's actually a term for something that it's been sort of accepted along the way.

00:10:16.000 Yeah.

00:10:17.000 I'm fucked up already.

00:10:19.000 Henry Winkler twittered me.

00:10:21.000 Did you work with him on the movie?

00:10:22.000 That was so amazing.

00:10:23.000 I was like, whoa, Henry Winkler.

00:10:25.000 And then I went to his page.

00:10:26.000 He's like only following 50 people and one was me.

00:10:28.000 I was like, what the fuck is going on?

00:10:31.000 He said something about bad flavor lately.

00:10:31.000 He's a great guy.

00:10:33.000 Did he?

00:10:33.000 Henry Winkler.

00:10:34.000 Well, all those guys on the set have heard the podcast.

00:10:37.000 And it's, you know, guys who know you guys.

00:10:39.000 Who often?

00:10:39.000 Fucking fond.

00:10:41.000 Henry Winkler is cool as fuck.

00:10:42.000 Cool as fuck.

00:10:43.000 He loves fly fishing.

00:10:44.000 We were talking about fly fishing.

00:10:46.000 Someone took him fly fishing, I think, in the late 80s or early 90s, and he wrote a book called I Never Met an Idiot on the River, all about the cool people that he met fly fishing.

00:10:55.000 And he has all these photos in the books of places he's gone fly fishing.

00:10:58.000 That's badass.

00:10:58.000 Fly fishing is fun as fuck, man.

00:11:00.000 When I was living in Boulder, there was a company that would take you out, and I was totally down to go.

00:11:05.000 I just never had the time before we had to move back.

00:11:07.000 But this dude, it was one of those guys that would like make his own flies and shit.

00:11:11.000 They have like a station where they sell like feathers and little things.

00:11:14.000 And that's like that type of fishing is a completely different type of fishing.

00:11:19.000 You know, it's like there's an art form to it.

00:11:21.000 It's difficult.

00:11:22.000 Like the art of casting a fly rod, it's very difficult.

00:11:27.000 It's not like you can't be drunk and fucked up and yelling with your buddies to just dunk a line in.

00:11:31.000 So like some of those guys get a little elitist.

00:11:34.000 Some of those fly fisher guys, they want to pretend that there's something.

00:11:37.000 But there is something that's a little more intimate about it.

00:11:40.000 Like you make your own little lure.

00:11:41.000 You make your own little fake bug.

00:11:43.000 You know, and they have all these different instructional videotapes on how to make lures.

00:11:47.000 You can find them online and dudes are like fashioning mayflies out of little feathers and shit.

00:11:52.000 And there's something crafty about that.

00:11:54.000 You cast it out and catch a big ass.

00:11:56.000 Ready Lockhart does.

00:11:57.000 He's into all that.

00:11:58.000 He just went fishing the other day at Echo Park or something like that.

00:12:01.000 I didn't catch anything, but it's like, that's crazy.

00:12:03.000 Fishing at Echo Park, really?

00:12:05.000 It's so therapeutic in a way.

00:12:05.000 Silverlake.

00:12:07.000 What can you catch in Silverlake?

00:12:09.000 STD of some sort.

00:12:10.000 Or in a river or whatever the fuck.

00:12:12.000 It's got to be so therapeutic for those people.

00:12:15.000 I just don't think I have the patience.

00:12:17.000 I've done it a thousand times.

00:12:18.000 Fishing relaxes.

00:12:19.000 It's so awesome when you're catching fish.

00:12:21.000 Yes.

00:12:22.000 When you're not catching fish, it can be such a drag.

00:12:24.000 I've been on fishing trips where it's like two days of nothing.

00:12:28.000 You know, you go with a buddy and then by the time the second day rolls around, you still haven't caught shit.

00:12:34.000 But if you go to some place like where like salmon are fucking running, you know, you go to Oregon where the salmon are running, like, bro, you're going to catch some fish.

00:12:42.000 All right.

00:12:43.000 I caught fish.

00:12:43.000 Salmon everywhere.

00:12:44.000 Have you really?

00:12:45.000 What'd you catch?

00:12:45.000 Astoria.

00:12:46.000 What'd you catch?

00:12:47.000 Caught a couple fucking salmons and some white things.

00:12:50.000 Our boy Gerald, Eddie's black belt, Gerald's treatment, he loves.

00:12:54.000 He lives up in Oregon.

00:12:55.000 He goes fishing all the time.

00:12:57.000 Mike Pyle was telling us about it too.

00:12:58.000 Mike Pyle, when we were in Portland, he offered to take us out on his dad's boat, but we couldn't stay an extra day.

00:13:03.000 But yeah, Portland's supposed to have some awesome salmon.

00:13:05.000 awesome thing.

00:13:06.000 Awesome.

00:13:07.000 I just wish, you know, sometimes you watch Deadliest Cats.

00:13:10.000 That's a little much.

00:13:11.000 That's a little much.

00:13:11.000 That's crazy.

00:13:12.000 Those poor motherfuckers, crab is not worth that much. 1.00

00:13:15.000 Damn.

00:13:16.000 It's not that good.

00:13:17.000 I mean, it's okay.

00:13:18.000 But I guess for them, though, look, it's worth a fuckload of money and it's out there.

00:13:23.000 They go out six weeks, right?

00:13:25.000 Yeah.

00:13:25.000 A two months, you come back with 60 grand.

00:13:28.000 Is that what happens?

00:13:29.000 That's some real money.

00:13:30.000 And they go out three times a year, twice a year, you know.

00:13:33.000 But God, you're dangerous.

00:13:33.000 That's real money.

00:13:35.000 Yeah.

00:13:36.000 Yeah.

00:13:36.000 You lose your life.

00:13:37.000 Guys fall in that water, man.

00:13:38.000 And that's no joke.

00:13:39.000 That water, first of all, that water is so fucking cold that you only have a couple minutes to live.

00:13:46.000 Like, you won't live if you're in the water for more than a few minutes.

00:13:49.000 It's just too fucking cold.

00:13:51.000 You're just not going to make it.

00:13:52.000 Your body is going to, you're in Alaska, motherfucker. 0.98

00:13:55.000 You're in the ocean in Alaska.

00:13:56.000 You got to swim in fucking Seattle.

00:13:58.000 Listen, let's be honest.

00:13:59.000 Let's be as honest as we can.

00:14:01.000 Nobody in this room could tell me, look at my face and go, I jumped into San Diego and it was warm.

00:14:05.000 It's never fucking warm.

00:14:06.000 No, just never watching.

00:14:07.000 And it's never been warm.

00:14:08.000 Now, I swam in Oregon like a fucking mook in Astoria because Tribble used to have a room. 1.00

00:14:13.000 But one time I had a jump.

00:14:15.000 Tribble is a booking agent.

00:14:17.000 But one time I jumped into the ocean because the cops were actually looking for me in Seattle off of fucking Alkai Beach right there.

00:14:24.000 Me and Charles.

00:14:25.000 Into the ocean.

00:14:27.000 Involved with that fucking stripper. 1.00

00:14:28.000 We used to beat each other up once a fucking week and the cops would come.

00:14:31.000 You know what I'm saying?

00:14:32.000 I stab her. 0.99

00:14:33.000 She hit me in the head with a chair. 1.00

00:14:35.000 So one night I went over there on the ecstasy.

00:14:37.000 I never forget this.

00:14:38.000 I ate a piece of ecstasy with Josh Wolf.

00:14:40.000 This is 1995.

00:14:41.000 I go over there.

00:14:42.000 I start fucking with the lady next door and knew if I came over to call the cops. 1.00

00:14:46.000 So here I am banging and the cops are knocking on the door.

00:14:48.000 And I had a kind of a belly.

00:14:49.000 I went under the bed.

00:14:50.000 The cops are looking.

00:14:51.000 They look under the bed and the bed's going up and down from fucking.

00:14:54.000 Come on, Red Dead.

00:14:54.000 Oh, yeah.

00:14:55.000 This is your breathing after you.

00:14:56.000 Yeah, and they arrested me with no shirt on.

00:14:58.000 So I put the fucking handcuffs on.

00:15:00.000 I'm on the bus waiting to go to fucking Seattle jail.

00:15:02.000 They take me to Seattle jail.

00:15:03.000 Something like at four o'clock.

00:15:04.000 The ecstasy that I ate at nine in the morning started hitting me in the fucking Seattle jail.

00:15:09.000 Oh my God.

00:15:09.000 While I was hiding, another time I went over there and I tried to sneak around.

00:15:14.000 They called the cops on me.

00:15:15.000 I actually jumped into the fucking ocean.

00:15:18.000 And I'll tell you what, that water is hypo.

00:15:20.000 That's what they should call that beach, hypothermia. 0.83

00:15:22.000 That's what it's called.

00:15:24.000 And I used to see people out there playing soccer in the water, like, you know, playing with a soccer ball out there.

00:15:28.000 What is that?

00:15:29.000 Volleyball.

00:15:29.000 Oh, they're so crazy.

00:15:31.000 Not even penguins do that shit.

00:15:33.000 That ocean is the, and I've said it before on this show that out there there's a place called Bremerton, Washington.

00:15:38.000 It's where the Navy has all their elite shit.

00:15:42.000 Before the Navy even makes a move, Bremerton, Washington gets the call.

00:15:45.000 That's all the submarines come out because it's the deepest part.

00:15:48.000 Oh, yeah, that's right.

00:15:50.000 We had this discussion before.

00:15:51.000 It's where they go all the way down.

00:15:52.000 You can't.

00:15:53.000 They go like, right, it goes like right, drops right off deep under Jakuso and shit.

00:15:58.000 So the Russians, the Japs, nobody could trace that shit. 1.00

00:16:02.000 They go deep from there.

00:16:03.000 All those motherfuckers that live in Bremington, nobody gives you their name in Russia. 1.00

00:16:06.000 Submarines are the biggest mind fucker ever. 1.00

00:16:10.000 Can you imagine if we were right now in some sort of a metal tube that is under the fucking ocean?

00:16:18.000 Like a mile deep.

00:16:19.000 How deep do those fucking goes?

00:16:20.000 Oh my God.

00:16:21.000 What's the deepest a submarine goes?

00:16:23.000 We have to type it up because I don't want to give you a full skill.

00:16:25.000 Do you think it would be like if we didn't fly as much?

00:16:27.000 We would think the same thing about the flying though.

00:16:29.000 You're in a metal tube like way up in the sky in San Francisco.

00:16:31.000 I think if we ate a fucking breadstrip, we would die.

00:16:34.000 Because once that shit goes into your mind, like, wait a second, do you know that we're in a tube under the water?

00:16:41.000 There's a leak.

00:16:42.000 Well, yo, that's what the BART is in San Francisco.

00:16:42.000 What fuck?

00:16:45.000 You know how I found out about it?

00:16:46.000 I've talked about this on stage in San Francisco, but it's a true story.

00:16:50.000 I was with Fear Factor and we were filming in Oakland and everyone was going to get together, the crew and everybody was going to get together and have dinner in San Francisco.

00:16:58.000 And I love those guys.

00:17:00.000 They're all fun guys.

00:17:01.000 I'm super comfortable with them.

00:17:02.000 So I thought it would be way more fun to do this to get fucking barbecued.

00:17:06.000 So I eat this fucking cookie in my room and I am on Paluto, dude.

00:17:12.000 It's one of those cookies where you start having very mild hallucinations, like trails.

00:17:17.000 Like there'll be trails when people are moving.

00:17:19.000 You'll see like little bits of light following behind them.

00:17:22.000 And I'm starting to see things that aren't there necessarily.

00:17:25.000 Like I'll start to see like movement in front of people that doesn't exist.

00:17:29.000 I mean, I was fucking gone, man.

00:17:31.000 I was like way too high to be out in public.

00:17:33.000 I was having like, I was having some sort of a membrane moment where I'm like on the brink of passing through to some other dimension that's like right next to us, but we can't normally access.

00:17:44.000 I'm that fucking high.

00:17:45.000 Wow.

00:17:46.000 I mean, I'm way too high.

00:17:47.000 And then all of a sudden we're in this BART thing and my ears are popping.

00:17:52.000 And so I go, why are my ears popping?

00:17:54.000 Why are my ears popping?

00:17:55.000 And one of the guy goes, oh, you don't know?

00:17:57.000 We're 500 feet on the ocean right now.

00:18:00.000 And all I could think of is what a dumb way to die and how scary that would be if that thing just started moving and a leak broke and then the water comes rushing in.

00:18:12.000 What a nutty idea to put a fucking tube under the ocean in a place where the ground is famous for moving.

00:18:20.000 Yeah, fuck that.

00:18:21.000 How long has that been open?

00:18:22.000 A long time.

00:18:24.000 It's a come on seven thing.

00:18:26.000 Come on seven.

00:18:27.000 Every time they get to the end, yes.

00:18:29.000 It's like the same thing with Japan, man. 0.94

00:18:31.000 It's the same thing with this nuclear power plant.

00:18:33.000 They said it can avoid up to an 8.2.

00:18:36.000 Well, all of a sudden the nine hits, boom.

00:18:36.000 I think we're going to be good.

00:18:40.000 This BART system, what is it good for?

00:18:42.000 Is it good for a five?

00:18:43.000 Is it good for a seven?

00:18:44.000 We're pretty sure it can survive a seven.

00:18:46.000 What if it's a nine?

00:18:47.000 What if you're in there and it's one of those five-minute jammies where the whole fucking thing is going crazy for five minutes and you are just shit in your pants going, how much can this little flexible metal tube underwater, how long can this last?

00:19:03.000 How much can it hold?

00:19:04.000 What are the insane pressures it's experiencing every foot of the way as it's anchored down to this moving ground?

00:19:13.000 The ocean is moving in a tsunami fashion over it as well because wherever the fuck the epicenter of it, the shelf lifts up and a fucking giant 500 foot wall of water going 50,000 miles an hour is headed to the coast.

00:19:28.000 Shit, man.

00:19:29.000 I feel the same when I get on a Lincoln Tunnel.

00:19:31.000 Yeah.

00:19:34.000 you know, they say here when you get on the train in LA, they built it a certain way, so it has barriers.

00:19:38.000 So even if there is an earthquake, it bounces off the fucking things.

00:19:42.000 Every morning, I kiss my wife and I say a fucking prayer.

00:19:42.000 Let me tell you something.

00:19:46.000 When you're on an overpass, Jack, or worse, under one.

00:19:49.000 We saw those pictures, those pictures from 94, where shit was flattened, where the top level fell and the bottom level.

00:19:56.000 It's fucking crazy, man.

00:19:57.000 And we live here.

00:19:58.000 Every morning I get up, I could go, this could be the last motherfucker.

00:20:01.000 This could be I think about it every day.

00:20:04.000 I go to like, like the grocery store.

00:20:06.000 Last night, I was thinking about it when I was, I had a whole thing of groceries in my car.

00:20:09.000 And I'm like, all right, if it happened now, at least I have a bunch of groceries.

00:20:12.000 Meanwhile, by the way, we're pussies compared to these people that live in like Alabama. 0.90

00:20:17.000 These people in Joplin, Missouri, where three quarters of the town just disappeared.

00:20:23.000 Just disappeared, man.

00:20:25.000 They said that the tornado when it touched down was miles wide.

00:20:31.000 Do you know how crazy that is?

00:20:33.000 Miles wide, Joey.

00:20:35.000 So it literally is like a giant eraser on a chalkboard, just erasing giant swaths.

00:20:42.000 Tonight's hundreds of feet times nine coming at you.

00:20:46.000 We used to have a ton of tornadoes in Ohio.

00:20:48.000 That's one thing I don't miss.

00:20:50.000 Did you see one?

00:20:50.000 Have you ever seen it?

00:20:51.000 Yeah, we talked about how we got chased once on the way home from an amusement park in a bus.

00:20:55.000 There was one chasing our bus, and we were in high school or middle school or something.

00:20:59.000 There was one in California, though, the other day, which is remote?

00:21:02.000 It was completely rare.

00:21:03.000 Sacramento was.

00:21:06.000 I remember this, they had one they reported in LA, not in the LA, but LA area, Southern California.

00:21:10.000 It was recent, like within the last five, six years or something crazy.

00:21:14.000 We've seen it.

00:21:14.000 I've seen it on the news.

00:21:15.000 They showed it on the face.

00:21:16.000 And then it snowed two days ago in Sacramento or three days ago in Sacramento.

00:21:20.000 Yeah, I was reading Josh Berkman's Twitter yesterday.

00:21:22.000 It was yesterday or last night, maybe.

00:21:24.000 Might have been this morning, where he said, I can't believe there's fucking snow in my front yard.

00:21:28.000 Like they're getting snow in Utah right now still.

00:21:30.000 Yeah.

00:21:31.000 You think the government's fucking with our weather system?

00:21:33.000 We think all these balloons.

00:21:35.000 Something's got to be going on, guys.

00:21:36.000 I don't know if that's what's responsible for all this.

00:21:39.000 I think it's, but I do know that they're definitely fucking with the weather.

00:21:42.000 I don't know if that's responsible.

00:21:44.000 Those tornadoes are deadly, guys.

00:21:46.000 It's true, but you know, we only have a very limited number of years that we can study a very, very complex system.

00:21:54.000 The system of the balance of the ecosystem of the earth, like where it's warm, where it's stormy, that shit moves and changes.

00:22:03.000 You know, there's parts of, like, that's one of the big pieces of evidence that they point to a much, much older Egyptian society is that Egypt at one point in time, where the Nile River was, where the Sphinx is, 9,000 years ago, that was a tropical rainforest, like 9,000 BC.

00:22:22.000 And there's like all this water erosion on the Sphinx and the Sphinx enclosure.

00:22:26.000 And some of the scientists use that as a point to evidence that they need to reconsider the age of the Egyptian culture because this is like a completely different environment this was under initially as opposed to when they found everything, which it was all desert.

00:22:39.000 And they were saying like, this is like way, way, way, way, way older than you think it is.

00:22:42.000 Like, we don't know.

00:22:43.000 We don't really know like the real disasters that happened 20,000, 30,000 years ago.

00:22:48.000 Like they just found Atlantis in Spain.

00:22:50.000 I was reading about it in Time magazine.

00:22:52.000 They're almost positive that they found the actual area where Atlantis was.

00:22:56.000 And guess what?

00:22:57.000 It was in Spain, and it was hit by a fucking giant tsunami 3,000 something BC.

00:23:02.000 And that's a wrap.

00:23:03.000 The whole thing just changes, you know?

00:23:06.000 And that happens for everywhere on the planet.

00:23:08.000 So we have such a limited number of years where we're sort of analyzing data as far as changing of the climate of the Earth.

00:23:17.000 North America, just 10,000 years ago, a blink of an eye, North America, half of it was under a mile of ice.

00:23:25.000 That's just 10,000 years ago, man.

00:23:27.000 In terms of the Earth, that ain't shit.

00:23:29.000 10,000 years ago, there was people, just like you and I. Indistinguishable.

00:23:33.000 They could be at a movie theater, you wouldn't be able to tell.

00:23:35.000 Put them in people's clothes.

00:23:36.000 They were the same as us, and yet North America was under a half a mile of ice.

00:23:41.000 So there's all sorts of shit that happens that we don't know about.

00:23:45.000 We know we have ice core samples, and we know that we've gone through some cooling periods, warming periods.

00:23:50.000 But shit, man.

00:23:52.000 There's a giant mystery as this whole cycle of the Earth and whether or not human beings are interrupting it with global warming, whether it's man-made or whether it's just a natural cyclical thing.

00:24:04.000 You can argue one way or the other, and most scientists believe what we're doing is not good.

00:24:09.000 But the bottom line is it changes on its own no matter what.

00:24:11.000 It changed for the dinosaurs.

00:24:12.000 It changed for everything.

00:24:15.000 Not only do we evolve, but the planet evolves.

00:24:17.000 In 300 years, we might be on the fucking ice here.

00:24:21.000 Antarctica will be the hot fucking Rio de Janeiro with the sun and the fucking times and shit.

00:24:21.000 Probably will be.

00:24:26.000 Who knows?

00:24:27.000 Yeah, well, they said that the North Pole is moving.

00:24:32.000 The pole is moving at some weird rate of like 40 miles a year.

00:24:36.000 It's going to take a long time.

00:24:38.000 40 miles a year.

00:24:40.000 But there's some sort of a, I mean, it's a natural system and it constantly moves slowly, slowly in a certain direction.

00:24:47.000 But they've had to like recalibrate landings trips in Florida.

00:24:52.000 Really?

00:24:53.000 Yeah, because of the fucking moving of the poles.

00:24:57.000 Shit is constantly changing, man.

00:24:59.000 Like this Japan thing, man, I feel terrible for those people. 1.00

00:25:03.000 It's terrible that these scientists built this thing and didn't really think it totally through and didn't really know that if you fuck this up, you leave a sun in the middle of the field that's going to burn through the fucking earth and you can never shut it off.

00:25:16.000 Don't we have that in the United States also?

00:25:18.000 We have it all over.

00:25:19.000 Of course, right?

00:25:19.000 Because it's not just Japan, it's us.

00:25:21.000 Gentlemen, this is a warning to the United States.

00:25:21.000 We do.

00:25:23.000 And the United States has none who gots about this.

00:25:25.000 They're not even seeing this for what this is.

00:25:27.000 You know what?

00:25:28.000 We have the most nuclear plants than anybody in the fucking world right here in the United States.

00:25:33.000 And one of these tornadoes, anything.

00:25:35.000 We're just getting a warning, which we're fucking, we're not even worrying about.

00:25:38.000 But again, the same thing is with climate change.

00:25:41.000 We don't have that much data.

00:25:42.000 Well, we have way more data on climate change than we do on what happens when you keep a nuclear power plant around.

00:25:47.000 We know Chernobyl.

00:25:47.000 We know a few.

00:25:48.000 We know Three Mile Island.

00:25:50.000 And now we know all the shit in Japan.

00:25:51.000 But we don't even know exactly how long that thing stays active.

00:25:54.000 We don't know how long it takes to cool off.

00:25:56.000 We don't know how long exactly it's radioactive.

00:25:59.000 There's all these juniors.

00:25:59.000 Just that it's there.

00:26:00.000 It's there.

00:26:01.000 But it's thousands of years, man.

00:26:02.000 Everybody agrees on that.

00:26:04.000 it's thousands of years.

00:26:05.000 So that area is fucked up.

00:26:07.000 When you lived in Colorado, did you hear much about Rocky Flats?

00:26:10.000 Was it in the paper much?

00:26:11.000 No, I didn't.

00:26:12.000 Rocky Flats is the big place in Colorado, which people have died over.

00:26:16.000 Because you know, in Colorado, all you need is a fucking movement in Boulder.

00:26:19.000 They would walk up to the road and block and light themselves on fire.

00:26:19.000 Right?

00:26:23.000 Rocky Flats is, you know, it's a, you know, everybody talks about Golden's cores.

00:26:27.000 The other side of fucking that is Rocky Flats.

00:26:30.000 If you want to look at it.

00:26:31.000 Mean Golden being good for Colorado.

00:26:33.000 Golden Cores.

00:26:34.000 Cores.

00:26:34.000 Golden, you know.

00:26:35.000 So everybody's happy.

00:26:36.000 Everybody's happy.

00:26:37.000 Oh my God.

00:26:37.000 Core.

00:26:38.000 We have jobs.

00:26:39.000 Well, next to it is Rocky Flats, which is, you know, why did you put it in this beautiful fucking part of the world?

00:26:46.000 What is Rocky Flats?

00:26:47.000 Rocky Flats is a nuclear fucking joint.

00:26:49.000 I think they is it a power plant?

00:26:51.000 I'm not sure.

00:26:52.000 Double check so I don't stick my foot in my mouth.

00:26:53.000 This is the Joe Roman expansion.

00:26:54.000 What's it called again?

00:26:55.000 Rocky weapons?

00:26:56.000 Rocky Flats.

00:26:56.000 Just put Rocky Flats and see what comes.

00:26:59.000 It's a strip club. 1.00

00:27:00.000 Oh man.

00:27:02.000 Tranny's MN. 0.63

00:27:05.000 It's a plant, yeah.

00:27:06.000 It's a nuclear weapons production facility.

00:27:08.000 Oh, you have no fucking idea.

00:27:08.000 Wow.

00:27:09.000 Crazy.

00:27:10.000 That's nice major that's very close there.

00:27:10.000 Oh, shit.

00:27:13.000 Nuclear weapons.

00:27:14.000 They make the fucking Bhagavad Gita right there.

00:27:17.000 And that explains the airport.

00:27:19.000 I learned more about that stuff living there.

00:27:22.000 Isn't that the craziest expression ever?

00:27:24.000 Duncan Trussell told us this, that when Oppenheimer, when the first nuclear bomb was detonated, he quoted the ancient Hindu scripture, the Bhagavad Gita.

00:27:33.000 He said, I am become God, destroyer of worlds.

00:27:39.000 Is that the exact quote?

00:27:40.000 I should know exact quote.

00:27:43.000 But just the fact that he did that, man, that he quoted this ancient Hindu scripture when he came up with some machine that cuts through the fabric of the fucking universe and makes everything explode and just disappear around it.

00:27:59.000 Rocky Flats is a very sore spot in a beautiful part of the fucking country, which is Colorado.

00:28:06.000 I mean, granted, there is nothing out there, Joe.

00:28:08.000 You pull up with your car and there's guards there with fucking guns and bazookas.

00:28:12.000 I am become death, destroyer of worlds.

00:28:15.000 That's what he said.

00:28:16.000 That's death.

00:28:17.000 Here, pull this up because it's him saying it.

00:28:20.000 Just pull up, Oppenheimer, I am become death, the destroyer of worlds.

00:28:24.000 Because it's crazy listening to this dude say it.

00:28:27.000 Joey, listening to the guys who came in.

00:28:30.000 Rocky Flats is near Denver.

00:28:33.000 It's operated from 1952 to 1992.

00:28:36.000 It was under the control of the United States Atomic Energy Commission.

00:28:41.000 Listen, this is Oppenheimer.

00:28:48.000 Few people cried.

00:28:50.000 Most people were silent.

00:28:55.000 I remembered the line from the Hindu scripture of the Bhagavad Gita.

00:29:04.000 Vishnu is trying to persuade the prince that he should do his duty.

00:29:14.000 And to impress him, takes me in his multi-armed form and says, Now I am become death, the destroyer of worlds.

00:29:28.000 I suppose we all fought that one way or another.

00:29:32.000 Holy shit.

00:29:34.000 Could you imagine the responsibility that you must feel that you were at least credited as the one man without whom the nuclear bomb might have never been created?

00:29:46.000 It just took eight minutes to say, listen, I fucked some shit up, Jack.

00:29:49.000 Yeah, you gotta do it.

00:29:50.000 Too much drama just to get to the fucking point.

00:29:52.000 That when he said, come on, man.

00:29:53.000 You don't think that's fascinating?

00:29:55.000 That guy's a super duper genius.

00:29:57.000 Super duper genius.

00:29:58.000 He quotes Hindu scripture, I am become death, the destroyer of worlds. 0.99

00:30:03.000 Knowing that what he's done was change everything.

00:30:07.000 Change everything to the point where you have some device that you can detonate that makes everything around it disappear.

00:30:14.000 And they're so much bigger now than they were then.

00:30:16.000 He's a fucking monster.

00:30:17.000 Like the power that we have, like those Hiroshima ones and the Nagasaki ones, those are okay. 1.00

00:30:22.000 But we got like way stronger shit now.

00:30:24.000 And they're working on shit that's even stronger than that.

00:30:26.000 You know, they're working on anti-matter weapons.

00:30:29.000 They're working on anti-matter weapons, which would literally like dissolve matter.

00:30:34.000 They would literally, whatever the fuck form it takes as a weapon, whether it's a bomb or a beam or it would just everything, it would just destroy everything.

00:30:43.000 It would be like thousands of times stronger than we could ever imagine any bomb being today.

00:30:48.000 And maybe even more than that.

00:30:49.000 Maybe I'm just coming up with numbers.

00:30:51.000 But they don't stop.

00:30:53.000 They don't stop.

00:30:54.000 They don't stop with, they don't stop with nuclear bombs.

00:30:56.000 They don't stop with this possibility.

00:30:58.000 I mean, if they really can do anti-matter weapons, they're not going to stop with that.

00:31:02.000 Whatever the next thing is, it's going to be even more fucked up.

00:31:05.000 It just seems like they should stop.

00:31:07.000 It should stop.

00:31:08.000 I figured out how to target it.

00:31:09.000 I figured out how to kill life as it stands today with a press of a fucking button.

00:31:14.000 What else is worse?

00:31:15.000 I could dissolve you with a fucking gun. 0.94

00:31:17.000 Who cares?

00:31:18.000 I'm going to blow you the fuck up. 0.66

00:31:19.000 I'm going to blow you the fuck up. 0.66

00:31:20.000 Why do you think people continue to push in that direction?

00:31:23.000 Is it just that we have this natural tendency to accelerate everything?

00:31:27.000 King of the hill.

00:31:28.000 You know, we want to be bigger than the next person.

00:31:32.000 We want to have, you know, it's ego.

00:31:34.000 Yeah, but even in a position where the United States is right now, we're not really threatened by anybody.

00:31:39.000 I mean, there's some other countries that have nuclear power and there's other countries that have strong armies, but without a doubt, this is the biggest superpower the world has ever known by a long shot.

00:31:49.000 And we continue to come up with newer, crazier shit.

00:31:52.000 I mean, I guess you have to stay where you're at.

00:31:55.000 You have to, you know, if you're the big bully, you got to always have the biggest stick.

00:31:58.000 You have to always be ready.

00:32:00.000 Always be ready for those motherfuckers coming up. 0.97

00:32:02.000 Keep them down.

00:32:04.000 Keep our fucking way of life going.

00:32:05.000 It's Memorial Day.

00:32:06.000 That's right.

00:32:07.000 Support our troops, boys.

00:32:08.000 God bless us.

00:32:09.000 But God damn, man, when you really fucking think about it, like, where does it end?

00:32:13.000 You know, I mean, I know they thought about this shit when he was saying that.

00:32:16.000 When he was saying this, you know, I am become death, destroyer of worlds.

00:32:19.000 He was terrified.

00:32:21.000 What the fuck had he done?

00:32:22.000 What the fuck?

00:32:23.000 He knew what he was fucking doing.

00:32:24.000 Can you imagine going to Pinkberry?

00:32:25.000 He knew what the fuck he was doing.

00:32:26.000 Of course he did, Joey.

00:32:28.000 It's also one of those things with scientists, man.

00:32:31.000 They are scientists because they are inherently incredibly curious.

00:32:35.000 Those people.

00:32:35.000 They're curious and they're fucking geniuses.

00:32:37.000 And they want to figure things out.

00:32:39.000 And if there is a problem presented to them, you know, it's like, can you develop a nuclear bomb?

00:32:45.000 Can I?

00:32:46.000 Can I?

00:32:46.000 I don't know.

00:32:47.000 Hmm.

00:32:48.000 I think we can.

00:32:49.000 I think we can.

00:32:50.000 And, you know, it's the natural inclination, whether or not it's used or not, is to create it.

00:32:54.000 And you can always justify it by saying, well, we have to create it first because if we don't create it first, then the Nazis will get it. 0.83

00:33:00.000 And then they'll fuck everybody up.

00:33:01.000 That's all you need.

00:33:02.000 And then everybody says, okay, let's make it.

00:33:03.000 And it's right.

00:33:04.000 It's true.

00:33:05.000 Look, the world is way better with America running things than if Nazi Germany had taken over in 1947. 0.80

00:33:10.000 Hopefully.

00:33:11.000 Hopefully it's way better now.

00:33:13.000 But shit, man.

00:33:13.000 Who knows?

00:33:15.000 When does it end?

00:33:17.000 When do we figure this out?

00:33:18.000 Do you remember when you were a kid in Vietnam ended?

00:33:20.000 Do you remember it?

00:33:22.000 How old were you?

00:33:25.000 about seven, maybe six.

00:33:26.000 I was new to this country, so I didn't really Right.

00:33:30.000 How long have you been in America?

00:33:32.000 Four years.

00:33:33.000 Four years?

00:33:34.000 So I was just happy to be.

00:33:35.000 I didn't give a fuck who we were beating up.

00:33:37.000 I was living in San Francisco.

00:33:38.000 Yeah.

00:33:39.000 So you seen it.

00:33:40.000 You know, you've seen the other half of it.

00:33:41.000 You've seen the demonstrations.

00:33:44.000 I was a little kid, though.

00:33:45.000 I didn't understand any of it.

00:33:46.000 You know, I saw demonstrations.

00:33:48.000 It was just to me like the Gay Pride Parade.

00:33:49.000 It was just like, oh, there's a bunch of people doing something I don't understand.

00:33:53.000 I was dripping down my mom's leg.

00:33:54.000 Were you?

00:33:56.000 I've never understood war anymore.

00:33:58.000 I've never understood all these lives to get your point across.

00:34:02.000 I have a disagreement.

00:34:03.000 I never understood.

00:34:04.000 Listen, I understand there's going to be disagreements between countries.

00:34:07.000 There's going to be radicals.

00:34:09.000 I don't like all these lives for you to make your fucking point.

00:34:13.000 That's what I've never really enjoyed about war.

00:34:15.000 But on the other hand, war is cash.

00:34:18.000 War is economy. 0.90

00:34:19.000 War is manufacturing. 0.94

00:34:21.000 You know, that's what America does. 0.99

00:34:22.000 That's what we do.

00:34:23.000 We get, you know.

00:34:25.000 So who the fuck am I to be pro-a con?

00:34:28.000 My con is I don't want all these people losing their fucking lives.

00:34:31.000 You want the oil, motherfucker?

00:34:32.000 Go get it.

00:34:33.000 You want the cash that he had? 0.56

00:34:35.000 Go get it.

00:34:36.000 You want this mother? 1.00

00:34:37.000 Go get it.

00:34:37.000 That's one thing that we've always had the resources to do, and that's where I don't have patience.

00:34:42.000 Why all these fucking 18-year-old kids?

00:34:44.000 I don't know who watched Apocalypse Now yesterday unplugged on AMC.

00:34:49.000 You get stoned, you walk through the house, you have an hour before you go to a barbecue, and you put something on.

00:34:54.000 I'm fucking sitting there, and I'm sitting about when I was 18, I robbed this guy, and I used to do fucking Coke, and these kids were 19 waking up to machine gun fire.

00:35:04.000 Are you fucking, what are you gonna fucking tell me?

00:35:07.000 What do you have to tell me?

00:35:08.000 That you had a crack problem?

00:35:10.000 That you smoked weed when you, oh, whoop-de-doo. 0.93

00:35:13.000 These kids woke up to fucking machine gun fire.

00:35:16.000 Their legs getting blown up.

00:35:17.000 Just seeing these people in pieces, you know what that does to you?

00:35:21.000 I would never want to see that.

00:35:23.000 I would never want my children or anybody involved in my life to see that.

00:35:26.000 There ain't no coming back when you see that type of death at that age.

00:35:30.000 Yeah, I think we don't understand.

00:35:31.000 You have no fucking idea.

00:35:33.000 I don't like that many people suffering for your point.

00:35:35.000 Brian, I don't like what you do.

00:35:37.000 I'm about to send a fucking missile that's so strong it's going to go in your house, knock on your doorbell, and go in your asshole, and you're going to blow up.

00:35:43.000 Do that.

00:35:44.000 Impress me, motherfucker.

00:35:45.000 But I don't want 18 million fucking 18-year-olds going down for no reason.

00:35:51.000 It's not just that, man.

00:35:52.000 That's a minor thing in comparison to the casualties they suffer in Iraq.

00:35:56.000 I mean, it's never good when anybody dies.

00:35:59.000 It's terrible when American soldiers die, but it's also terrible when Iraqi and Afghanistan civilians die, too.

00:36:05.000 And, you know, we don't hear too much talk about that, man.

00:36:08.000 You don't hear too much talk about that a million people have died in Iraq.

00:36:11.000 Altogether, that's a giant number, man.

00:36:14.000 That's a scary, crazy, mind-bending number.

00:36:17.000 More than Nazis, right? 0.65

00:36:18.000 Way more.

00:36:19.000 I don't know.

00:36:20.000 Who knows?

00:36:20.000 Nazis was like six million Jews, wasn't it?

00:36:22.000 You need to count two Jews per one person. 0.98

00:36:24.000 Oh, how dare you?

00:36:25.000 Everybody suffers.

00:36:26.000 No, I think the Nazis are supposed to be more. 0.92

00:36:28.000 I think the Nazis just kicked six million, right, wasn't it? 0.86

00:36:31.000 Yeah.

00:36:31.000 Disputed, whatever it was.

00:36:32.000 I think it was more.

00:36:33.000 But either way, no one's saying what's bad or what's worse.

00:36:36.000 They're both fucking horrible and disgusting.

00:36:38.000 It's just, we don't experience it over here.

00:36:41.000 And because we don't experience it over here, the only people that truly appreciate what the fuck is happening in the world are our veterans.

00:36:47.000 They're the only ones who truly appreciate it.

00:36:49.000 And I know a lot of them, man.

00:36:50.000 I know a lot of them because of the UFC.

00:36:52.000 I know a lot of them because of jiu-jitsu.

00:36:54.000 I know a lot of dudes who've been over there.

00:36:55.000 I went to high school with a bunch of dudes who went to the first Gulf War, and talked to them about it.

00:37:00.000 That's a mind-bending shit, man.

00:37:02.000 You're never the same human being.

00:37:04.000 My grandfather was a POW, and they actually wrote a book about him and everything like that, about his unit.

00:37:10.000 World War? 0.53

00:37:10.000 World War II. 0.53

00:37:11.000 He was a B-52 bomber, or he was a gunner on one of the bombers, and the plane fell from the sky, and he had to parachute out.

00:37:20.000 And he had this huge piece of metal in his parachute that he kept on his desk, you know, that he kept somehow.

00:37:25.000 Anyways, he was a prisoner of war, and my whole family thought he was gone, you know, and they finally got released and stuff like that.

00:37:33.000 How long was he in jail for?

00:37:35.000 I think it was six to eight months or something like that.

00:37:38.000 I forget.

00:37:38.000 But they tortured him.

00:37:40.000 They did everything to him and stuff.

00:37:42.000 And I remember right before he died, it was when Call of Duty 1 came out or 2 came out.

00:37:49.000 And I was playing it.

00:37:51.000 And he came over.

00:37:52.000 And I remember him sitting down there and just his eyes were just staring at the TV like he couldn't.

00:37:58.000 Well, one, because it was a video game print or saw a video game before.

00:38:00.000 But two, it was just like you could tell it kind of put him back in there.

00:38:04.000 It was kind of creepy, man.

00:38:05.000 I had to turn it off because it was freaking me out.

00:38:07.000 Fuck yeah, I would.

00:38:08.000 Holy shit.

00:38:10.000 Wow.

00:38:10.000 He was a prisoner of war in Japan.

00:38:13.000 Is that where it was?

00:38:14.000 Or was it Germany?

00:38:16.000 And you're worried because you don't get Wi-Fi at Starbucks.

00:38:19.000 You know what I'm saying?

00:38:20.000 Suck my dick. 1.00

00:38:21.000 You know what I'm saying?

00:38:22.000 You fucking don't get Wi-Fi and you have a nervous breakdown.

00:38:25.000 You know what I'm saying?

00:38:26.000 Yeah.

00:38:27.000 And that's what I'm talking about.

00:38:29.000 That's why we allow all this shit to happen in other countries.

00:38:32.000 We allow it because we don't experience it here, so we don't understand it.

00:38:35.000 And the only people that do experience it are veterans, and they're already over there.

00:38:38.000 It's too late.

00:38:38.000 By the time they experience it, it's too late.

00:38:41.000 They can't.

00:38:41.000 I mean, whether they change the way the non-experienced understand war?

00:38:45.000 No, there's no way.

00:38:46.000 The only way to understand war is you'd have to be in it.

00:38:48.000 And if you were in it, then everybody would be like, let's stop this.

00:38:50.000 What the fuck are we doing?

00:38:52.000 You know, there's Jake Shields, head trainer, I forget his name, Tarak something, Tarak Aziz.

00:38:59.000 He's over in Afghanistan right now, and he was tweeting about it, and he was tweeting about how there's like, no one's talking about these NATO strikes that are killing all these civilians.

00:39:09.000 And there was parts of some woman stuck to a tree. 0.91

00:39:12.000 Like he was walking near this site, and there was parts of a woman stuck to a tree, just some oh god, yeah, just some poor, innocent person in the wrong place when the missiles come.

00:39:22.000 You know, how do you know it was a woman?

00:39:24.000 It was just like booming.

00:39:25.000 He didn't specify, but I guess he knew, you know, I got me.

00:39:28.000 Just seeing something like that will stay with you.

00:39:30.000 Dude, Joe Rogan.

00:39:31.000 So could you imagine?

00:39:33.000 This is the scene yesterday I'm watching because this is the piece I watched.

00:39:37.000 This was very fucking funny.

00:39:39.000 It's the part where that dude from the Godfather is throwing cards on the body.

00:39:43.000 I don't remember that.

00:39:44.000 Robert Duval is throwing cards on the bodies, you know, Ace of Spades.

00:39:48.000 And all of a sudden, there's just death everywhere.

00:39:50.000 And all of a sudden, they come to him and they go, hey, this guy is here.

00:39:53.000 He wants to talk to you.

00:39:54.000 And it's, you know, Winning's Father.

00:39:57.000 Charlie Sheen's martial arts.

00:39:58.000 Charlie, who's brilliant.

00:39:58.000 Charlie Sheen's Martin.

00:39:59.000 The movie is awesome.

00:40:00.000 He comes over.

00:40:00.000 Excuse me, sir.

00:40:01.000 Winning's father.

00:40:03.000 He comes over with the fucking thing.

00:40:05.000 Excuse me, sir, major, whatever.

00:40:08.000 And Robert Duval's got his little thing on without his shirt on, with his fucking hat on, smoking.

00:40:14.000 And he's like, yeah, yeah, whatever.

00:40:15.000 And all of a sudden, in the middle of conversation, some other guy comes and goes, hey, sir, that's Lance whatever Johnson, the famous surfer.

00:40:22.000 In the middle of conversation, he just walks away from Winning's father and walks up to him and goes, excuse me, sir, and both of the black kid, the great black kid that's now on CSI.

00:40:32.000 Lance Fishburne?

00:40:33.000 Yeah, they both go, sir.

00:40:34.000 And all of a sudden the guy goes, Lance Johnson Jr.

00:40:36.000 And all of a sudden Lawrence Fishburne goes, major goes, that that.

00:40:39.000 He goes, are you Lance Johnson the surfer?

00:40:40.000 And he goes, yeah, he goes.

00:40:41.000 And he looks at fucking Charlie Sheen's father and Leonard.

00:40:44.000 He goes, they with you?

00:40:45.000 That's a classic line.

00:40:47.000 He didn't give a fuck.

00:40:48.000 This guy was a major.

00:40:49.000 This guy was a surfer.

00:40:50.000 And he goes, they with you?

00:40:52.000 I never caught that.

00:40:53.000 I've seen the movie 18 fucking times.

00:40:55.000 I've never seen that.

00:40:56.000 What a crazy movie that is.

00:40:57.000 What a crazy fucking movie.

00:40:58.000 Didn't know that movie takes like six years to make.

00:41:00.000 Listen, they had on the crazy one the other night, the one that got redux on AMC with no commercial.

00:41:06.000 I went out and came home.

00:41:07.000 I bumped into Flip Schultz and they gave me two fucking candies that put me in Jupiter.

00:41:12.000 I had to come home and make a pot of coffee.

00:41:14.000 So I'm watching that last scene when he's creeping and they're shooting at the Chinese. 0.98

00:41:18.000 And he goes, he's up on a hill.

00:41:20.000 And he goes, who's your whatever office?

00:41:23.000 And he goes, isn't it you?

00:41:25.000 The black guy goes, I thought it was you.

00:41:27.000 Remember, that guy's funny.

00:41:28.000 That guy's hysterical.

00:41:29.000 And he keeps walking.

00:41:30.000 There's a guy that he goes, you got the mortars and the brothers real yoked.

00:41:35.000 Remember this joe?

00:41:35.000 He's real yoked and he takes his time.

00:41:37.000 He looks at the motherfucker.

00:41:39.000 He's got those black eyes from Memphis with the veins in them.

00:41:42.000 He's fucked up.

00:41:43.000 You can hear Jimi Hendrix in the back.

00:41:45.000 And he takes down his thing and he puts a mortar in it.

00:41:48.000 And with them looking at him, he just goes, and all of a sudden you just hear bang.

00:41:54.000 And all of a sudden the yelling stops.

00:41:56.000 And he just looks at him.

00:41:57.000 He don't say a fucking word.

00:42:00.000 And he goes, the guy Martin Sheen goes, do you know who the commanding officer is?

00:42:04.000 And the black guy goes, he just walks away.

00:42:09.000 He don't even give Martin Sheen an answer.

00:42:11.000 He just walks away.

00:42:12.000 Is this when they're finding Kurtz?

00:42:12.000 I don't remember this.

00:42:16.000 They're on their way to Kurtz.

00:42:17.000 This is the last stop before Kurtz.

00:42:19.000 Cursing.

00:42:20.000 This is the last stop before he gets up there.

00:42:22.000 And Marlon Brando's too fucking fat.

00:42:24.000 He's supposed to show up.

00:42:26.000 If you know the story, he's supposed to show up at training camp 240.

00:42:29.000 He shows up at 320 and says, what?

00:42:31.000 I'm Marlon Brando.

00:42:33.000 They're like, so what are we going to do?

00:42:33.000 What?

00:42:35.000 You're supposed to be an ex-soldier.

00:42:36.000 What are you supposed to do?

00:42:37.000 He goes, just fucking black my fucking stomach, put black on me, and just show my face. 0.99

00:42:43.000 That's why in all the scenes, all you see is his face.

00:42:46.000 You don't see his body.

00:42:47.000 You see him rubbing his fat head and shit, but they don't show you his body.

00:42:50.000 Yeah, that is one of the weirdest, most singular performances ever.

00:42:54.000 Insane.

00:42:54.000 And the guy nagging him the whole time in his ear.

00:42:57.000 You're getting tortured.

00:42:58.000 Who's the guy with the fuck?

00:42:59.000 The man is a genius, but his soul is mad.

00:43:02.000 What's that crazy hippie?

00:43:04.000 I don't know.

00:43:04.000 You know, he wanted to kill me yesterday, dude.

00:43:06.000 He wanted to kill me, but he's powerful.

00:43:08.000 You know, he just kept that hippie talk.

00:43:10.000 It's just an amazing.

00:43:11.000 And then at the end, they kill the bull at the same time when they're killing Marlon Brando, and you hear the end with the doors.

00:43:18.000 They just do it perfect.

00:43:19.000 They're doing the dance.

00:43:20.000 And the Vietnamese, whatever the fuck they are, killing chickens and they're killing. 1.00

00:43:23.000 It's just, it's brilliant.

00:43:26.000 I forgot all about the fucking fucking.

00:43:26.000 It's a brilliant movie.

00:43:28.000 So happy Memorial Day is what I'm trying to fucking say to you.

00:43:31.000 That's one of those movies.

00:43:32.000 That's one of those movies that every time you watch it, if you haven't seen it in a couple years, you just shake your head and go, God damn.

00:43:32.000 Soldiers.

00:43:37.000 And they did trick him with acid.

00:43:39.000 They did give him acid in the movie.

00:43:41.000 Marlon Brandon?

00:43:41.000 Who?

00:43:42.000 Yeah, Martin Sheen.

00:43:42.000 So think about it.

00:43:43.000 Martin Sheen gave Marlon Brandon a certain amount of money.

00:43:45.000 No, no, no.

00:43:46.000 The director gave Martin Sheen.

00:43:47.000 Martin Sheen acid.

00:43:48.000 Really?

00:43:49.000 So that scene when he's in the bedroom and he's smashing the window with karate?

00:43:53.000 God damn!

00:43:53.000 He was.

00:43:54.000 He was on acid?

00:43:55.000 They just tricked him.

00:43:56.000 How do you know this?

00:43:56.000 They just said he was not.

00:43:57.000 Because he talks about it, dog.

00:43:58.000 It's crazy.

00:43:59.000 They were gone.

00:44:00.000 They were in the Philippines.

00:44:01.000 That's very rude.

00:44:02.000 They didn't shoot that movie in L.A. on some fucking in Buena Vista.

00:44:06.000 You know what I'm saying?

00:44:06.000 They didn't shoot that on location.

00:44:08.000 They took that Martin, whatever.

00:44:10.000 Lawrence said he was 16.

00:44:12.000 They took him to the Philippines.

00:44:14.000 His parents had a fucking come, dog. 0.99

00:44:16.000 His fucking parents had a come and shit.

00:44:19.000 Meanwhile, that accurately represents the age of some soldiers.

00:44:22.000 I mean, it's not 16, it's 18.

00:44:24.000 But how much difference is 16 and 18?

00:44:26.000 What's the difference?

00:44:27.000 16 and 18 are fucking right there, man. 0.90

00:44:30.000 You know, what is it?

00:44:30.000 A few months.

00:44:31.000 30 months?

00:44:32.000 It's supposed to be 24.

00:44:33.000 But what is like, what's the under and what's the over?

00:44:35.000 You know, what's the lowest amount of months?

00:44:36.000 It can be 13, 14 months difference.

00:44:39.000 All of a sudden you're in a fucking...

00:44:39.000 Boom!

00:44:42.000 You're in the army at 18.

00:44:44.000 18.

00:44:44.000 Bucks flying.

00:44:46.000 And not just the army in Camp Pendleton doing push-ups with your buddies.

00:44:49.000 Jesus.

00:44:50.000 I'm fucking they take you and they take you into the fucking jungles of over there. 0.95

00:44:53.000 I mean, just 18, dog.

00:44:55.000 And you're seeing death every day.

00:44:57.000 You can't even imagine that life.

00:44:59.000 My God.

00:44:59.000 Every time you got tight with somebody, boom, he gets it.

00:45:02.000 And they just don't know what to do.

00:45:04.000 Can you, how old do you have to be to go to war?

00:45:06.000 Is it 18?

00:45:06.000 I think so.

00:45:07.000 18, yeah.

00:45:08.000 You can sign up before that, though, and like wait, right?

00:45:11.000 Or your parents could take in there and go, look, my son's fucking retarded. 0.97

00:45:14.000 He don't want, he don't give a fuck about two times eight.

00:45:16.000 He don't give a fuck.

00:45:17.000 He's 16.

00:45:19.000 All he wants to do is shoot people.

00:45:20.000 Isn't it funny, though, that when you talk about like the 16 to 18 thing, it's funny that we have like an age when we decide you're ready for shit.

00:45:27.000 You know, I mean, it's important, but like there's an age like in some countries, or in some parts of the, even this country, they'll let you marry when you're 16.

00:45:35.000 You can fuck and marry when you're 16. 0.92

00:45:37.000 Yeah, it should be against the law that you shouldn't even be allowed to have babies before 21.

00:45:41.000 Well, you know that teacher that got busted up in Seattle, the Seattle, Washington area?

00:45:46.000 He was banging his student.

00:45:48.000 He was a, I think it was like a fifth grade teacher or something like that.

00:45:52.000 He was like super Christian.

00:45:53.000 It was really creepy because you go to his website.

00:45:55.000 He's like all like, this is how we stop bullies.

00:45:57.000 Meanwhile, he's banging some 15-year-old.

00:46:00.000 And he apparently they got together and made out a few times when she was 15, but she says they didn't have a sexual relationship until she was 16, which is technically legal in the state of Washington.

00:46:12.000 But they're going after him anyway because he was a teacher and because it's creepy.

00:46:16.000 Because it's creepy.

00:46:17.000 It's creepy.

00:46:18.000 We're going after you because it's icky.

00:46:19.000 Well, listen, man, they can go after you for things being creepy.

00:46:22.000 I mean, you don't want to think so, but look, they have obscenity laws.

00:46:28.000 There's still obscenity laws on the books in certain parts of the country.

00:46:31.000 Like, look at that Max Hardcore guy.

00:46:32.000 That guy is a porno star.

00:46:34.000 He made disgusting porns.

00:46:35.000 And so that guy's in a jail somewhere because of that.

00:46:38.000 Have you heard about this thing, Joey?

00:46:40.000 Go take a leak.

00:46:41.000 The Supreme Court decided to change the Fourth Amendment over marijuana smell.

00:46:48.000 The Supreme Court, this is a crazy story.

00:46:51.000 In Kentucky versus King, the U.S. Supreme Court has ruled that cops who smell marijuana coming from your home can break down your door and arrest you as long as they knock first and claim to have heard evidence or heard you destroying evidence.

00:47:08.000 That's all they have to do.

00:47:09.000 Wow.

00:47:10.000 Only in what state?

00:47:11.000 Well, this is Supreme Court.

00:47:13.000 This sets a precedent.

00:47:14.000 I mean, all the marijuana laws are federal.

00:47:17.000 I mean, there's state laws, but they're not supposed to be real.

00:47:20.000 Like in the marijuana, like in medical marijuana in California, California says, we allow medical marijuana.

00:47:25.000 It's passed in 1994, and everyone says it's legal and hunky-dory.

00:47:29.000 The federal government can still come in and say, no, federally, marijuana is a schedule run drug and you're all under arrest.

00:47:36.000 All you people that are helping out cancer patients and AIDS patients, you're in jail.

00:47:39.000 And they did that for a long ass time.

00:47:41.000 Not only did they do that, but when they got arrested, this is where it's really fucked up.

00:47:46.000 They didn't allow them to use the expression medical marijuana.

00:47:50.000 You can't use it because federally that term doesn't exist.

00:47:54.000 So they say, were you selling weed?

00:47:56.000 You go, well, yeah, but I was selling medical marijuana.

00:48:00.000 So you have to say, yes, I was selling weed.

00:48:02.000 You can't say, they're not going to ask you if it's cancer patients.

00:48:05.000 They're not going to ask you if it's AIDS patients.

00:48:07.000 They don't give a fuck.

00:48:08.000 What they're going to say is they're going to allow you to only say what they want you to say that will incriminate you.

00:48:14.000 They're not going to allow you to even use the expression medical marijuana.

00:48:18.000 So that federally shows how they operate.

00:48:21.000 But now this new, the Fourth Amendment of the Constitution is that the right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects against unreasonable searches and seizures shall not be violated and no warrants shall issue but upon probable cause supported by oath or affirmation and particularly describing the place to be searched and the persons or things to be seized.

00:48:45.000 So they have to have a notice.

00:48:47.000 They have to go to a judge.

00:48:48.000 They have to have, listen, judge, this guy has been selling marijuana.

00:48:52.000 This guy has guns.

00:48:53.000 This guy's a bad guy.

00:48:54.000 And this is what we know about him.

00:48:56.000 This is the people that have snitched on him.

00:48:58.000 This is the photographs we have of his fucking grow-op.

00:49:01.000 You know, we need a warrant.

00:49:02.000 okay, you got a warrant.

00:49:03.000 And the judge reviews it to make sure that the cops aren't I can't figure this fucking crap.

00:49:08.000 Just keep going with it.

00:49:09.000 The other way.

00:49:10.000 The other way.

00:49:11.000 There you go.

00:49:12.000 It's like a Rubik's Cube.

00:49:12.000 Lift it up.

00:49:13.000 Oh, my God.

00:49:15.000 How can you not figure this out?

00:49:16.000 You're driving me crazy.

00:49:17.000 Pull that down. 0.82

00:49:18.000 There you go, big guy.

00:49:20.000 So now you don't have to go through all that whole process.

00:49:23.000 They don't have to go through that.

00:49:24.000 All the cop has to do is knock on your door and say, I think that you're smoking weed in there.

00:49:31.000 Let me in.

00:49:32.000 And then if they hear you destroying evidence.

00:49:35.000 Which is, it could be a toilet flush.

00:49:37.000 It could be you going, holy shit, the cops are here.

00:49:40.000 All right, destroy evidence.

00:49:42.000 Whatever noise that they're going to decipher might be you, but it's up to them to decide.

00:49:46.000 And then they kick down your door.

00:49:47.000 But now where is this?

00:49:48.000 This is like the United States of America. 0.55

00:49:50.000 But when they kick in their door.

00:49:51.000 Yeah, this is Kentucky versus King.

00:49:53.000 This is a U.S. Supreme Court.

00:49:55.000 This is a federal case.

00:49:57.000 When they kick in your door, though, and they see that you have marijuana and you get that $80 ticket, I mean, are they allowed to bust you for anything else they see?

00:50:05.000 Because that $80 ticket is only a state thing.

00:50:08.000 It's not a federal thing.

00:50:09.000 Right.

00:50:10.000 But I'm saying, if they bust down your door, can they only arrest you for weed?

00:50:16.000 No, they can arrest you for anything you got in your fucking house once they're in.

00:50:21.000 Let's say if they get a warrant and they search your house, like if they get a warrant because they think you're selling cocaine and they go to your house and there's five dead bodies, they're still going to arrest you for murder.

00:50:32.000 This is a scary thing because this allows cops to just say they smelled pot.

00:50:36.000 But we're only talking about pot.

00:50:38.000 The idea that you are going to break down someone's fucking house because not even you smell them growing it, you smell the smoke.

00:50:45.000 You smell them using it.

00:50:47.000 So you smell them doing something that they want to do and you have a law where you can break down the door if you think that they're destroying that pot that they wanted to smoke.

00:50:57.000 You think they're flushing it.

00:50:58.000 That is.

00:50:59.000 Now these are the feds that are coming to your house to do that.

00:51:01.000 Exactly.

00:51:01.000 That's what this is all about.

00:51:03.000 The feds ain't coming to my house, your house, or red bands.

00:51:05.000 Yeah, that's what I'm saying.

00:51:07.000 That's what I was just going to say.

00:51:10.000 This is just to add to people.

00:51:12.000 Guys, it's like a Rico. 0.99

00:51:13.000 A Rico fucking fucks everybody up in the ass. 1.00

00:51:16.000 I don't talk to Joe Rogan.

00:51:17.000 I just see him once a fucking month.

00:51:19.000 But if you go to Joe Rogan and you give him cash and he brings it to me, I'm involved in whatever Joe Rogan's doing.

00:51:24.000 You understand me?

00:51:25.000 It's a criminal enterprise.

00:51:26.000 So now they added this so they can nail you in a different fucking manner.

00:51:31.000 It's not going to apply to us.

00:51:32.000 Yeah.

00:51:32.000 I mean, what are they going to bust down my door and get go get a warrant?

00:51:37.000 This is, you know.

00:51:39.000 I agree with you.

00:51:40.000 I agree with you.

00:51:40.000 But it's still retarded and scary.

00:51:42.000 No, I understand.

00:51:43.000 The idea, I agree that it's probably not going to come up in our lives, but it's going to come up in somebody's life.

00:51:48.000 And the only reason why it exists at all is because there's a bunch of clueless old fucks that are in charge of running shit in this country. 1.00

00:51:56.000 Well, this is always going to happen.

00:51:57.000 If they want to bust down your door, they'll find a thousand other ways to get in your door. 0.87

00:52:00.000 Yeah, it's true.

00:52:01.000 You know, but they don't need help.

00:52:04.000 They don't need this help.

00:52:05.000 They don't need the help by the fucking federal government.

00:52:07.000 9-11 is going to change our life forever.

00:52:10.000 It wasn't an AD type deal, but it changed our life and our liberties. 0.90

00:52:15.000 A lot of our liberties change, and it goes back to 9-11.

00:52:18.000 I don't know how this goes back to it, but this is just one of the steps that they're taking.

00:52:22.000 Yeah, but it's the Joey.

00:52:24.000 You can say that all you want, but when you're the law is specifically about smelling marijuana, that's not protecting anybody from anything, man.

00:52:33.000 This is nonsense.

00:52:34.000 This is just nonsense by people that bought into propaganda and have shown through their decisions.

00:52:40.000 If you show that this is the way you think after you've really experienced and looked at all the evidence, all that tells me is you're grossly incompetent.

00:52:49.000 Not just grossly incompetent, but criminally incompetent.

00:52:52.000 The idea that you're there to serve and protect and you would actively seek to lock people up in jail for a plant that's never killed a single fucking human being on the face of the planet.

00:53:02.000 No one's ever OD'd from it ever.

00:53:04.000 It can't.

00:53:05.000 It can't happen.

00:53:06.000 It's one of the most innocuous natural substances you could possibly wrap your fucking head around.

00:53:11.000 And the fact that these cunts have made a law where if they smell you enjoying this fantastic plant that makes sex better and food tastes better and makes you more creative, they smell it. 0.95

00:53:21.000 They can kick down your fucking door and lock you in a cage. 0.77

00:53:25.000 This is some draconian Orwell 1984 movie type shit.

00:53:30.000 This is ridiculous.

00:53:32.000 Here's the deal.

00:53:33.000 I fucking go and hit a weed store with a gun at lunchtime with Redman.

00:53:39.000 Red Man's the driver? 0.96

00:53:41.000 Is he the driver?

00:53:41.000 Bitch, the gun, a thousand things.

00:53:43.000 I love the story.

00:53:44.000 They come in front of my house.

00:53:44.000 Me too.

00:53:45.000 I have no pants on this story.

00:53:47.000 Let's go over there.

00:53:48.000 Let's go over there and watch his movements.

00:53:50.000 Whatever the fuck.

00:53:51.000 Acts by his brain.

00:53:52.000 All they got to do now is knock on the fucking door. 0.96

00:53:54.000 Is knock on the door and say, we smell weed and flying and go, oh, Redman's here.

00:53:59.000 Let's say Joe Rogan has a warrant and he comes to my house for dinner.

00:54:03.000 This is all this.

00:54:04.000 This is just less paperwork for these cocksuckers. 1.00

00:54:06.000 This doesn't even make you go home and get a warrant.

00:54:08.000 So what you're telling me is if they smell it, they don't even have to go to the judge and get it signed off on a warrant.

00:54:13.000 That's what you're telling me.

00:54:14.000 This is all part of something different.

00:54:14.000 Exactly.

00:54:16.000 This is all part of the rolling.

00:54:19.000 It's just that this, I can understand it if you say you smell gunshot.

00:54:23.000 Listen, bro, let me tell you.

00:54:23.000 You smell gunpowder.

00:54:25.000 You know what the best thing about 500 people is?

00:54:26.000 Cocaine smell.

00:54:27.000 That he showed up with one hand and he showed you the other one and became the president.

00:54:31.000 The problem that's going on in this country, none of you fucking Momos see that this is a slow mind fuck of communism.

00:54:36.000 From all your little fucking computers and your Twitter and your message, they're just taking your fucking.

00:54:40.000 This is communism?

00:54:41.000 This is communism.

00:54:43.000 This is all communism.

00:54:44.000 They got us.

00:54:45.000 They got us.

00:54:46.000 Everything we say, they got us now.

00:54:48.000 And they're going to keep getting worse and worse.

00:54:51.000 They're knocking on your fucking door for smelling marijuana.

00:54:54.000 Really?

00:54:54.000 It's 2011.

00:54:55.000 It's crazy.

00:54:56.000 Japan is dying over there. 0.96

00:54:58.000 These countries, there's going to be another earthquake in a few fucking weeks.

00:54:58.000 You know what I'm saying?

00:55:02.000 I mean, you know, but we're worried about you, really?

00:55:05.000 Yeah.

00:55:05.000 Really?

00:55:06.000 So what communism aren't you talking about?

00:55:08.000 They take everything.

00:55:09.000 On every computer, there's a fucking camera, people.

00:55:13.000 I don't know if you want to call it communism, but I agree that it's government.

00:55:16.000 It's government is getting bigger, and government wants more and more power, and government wants less and less responsibility.

00:55:22.000 And they want to be able to get away with shit.

00:55:23.000 It's fucking that simple.

00:55:25.000 It's hard to run all these people.

00:55:27.000 A lot of us are retarded.

00:55:29.000 A lot of us are idiots.

00:55:30.000 It's tough to keep us in line.

00:55:31.000 But I'll tell you what I did here.

00:55:32.000 I'll tell you what I did here from somebody who works at the airport.

00:55:35.000 That if you show up to LAX or Burbank or one of those airports and say, I'm going to Mississippi and I'm taking weed, they'll let you bring it out now.

00:55:42.000 What?

00:55:42.000 This is what I heard now.

00:55:44.000 All you gotta do is tell them.

00:55:45.000 Did you hear that from a cop?

00:55:46.000 Hey, guys.

00:55:47.000 That guy, first of all, I'm out every fucking day smoking and talking to.

00:55:50.000 Did you hear this from a cop?

00:55:51.000 From fucking weed stores and shit.

00:55:52.000 And I'm telling you, check it.

00:55:54.000 You have to check your license and show them the shit.

00:55:56.000 And what they tell you is that when you get there, you worry about it.

00:55:59.000 That's your own problem.

00:56:00.000 But now you need your medicine.

00:56:03.000 This is them telling me, bro, they're telling me to save your receipts because you can put them on your taxes.

00:56:06.000 Do I do that?

00:56:07.000 No.

00:56:08.000 But this is what's cracking lacking, guys.

00:56:10.000 I'm just fucking telling you.

00:56:11.000 I wouldn't claim that.

00:56:12.000 No, no shit.

00:56:14.000 No shit.

00:56:15.000 The government will fuck you to make it.

00:56:17.000 That is the last thing you want to put in your fucking thing.

00:56:19.000 Here's 80 receipts for $20 a fucking bag.

00:56:22.000 Go fuck yourself.

00:56:23.000 But they're saying that people are claiming on their fucking taxes.

00:56:26.000 Yeah, those people are going to get jacked. 0.96

00:56:28.000 No shit.

00:56:29.000 No shit.

00:56:30.000 What the fuck?

00:56:30.000 You think I'm going to show up with my fucking receipts?

00:56:32.000 Yeah, alright, bro.

00:56:33.000 You fucking retarded. 1.00

00:56:34.000 The point being is that now they're saying on LAX and Burbank, you show up.

00:56:34.000 Get the fuck.

00:56:39.000 Will I do it?

00:56:39.000 No.

00:56:40.000 But I know people who will do that.

00:56:42.000 You take their shit, and they say, worry about it on the other side.

00:56:45.000 We will not contact the other authorities.

00:56:47.000 Too dangerous.

00:56:47.000 Too dangerous, my friend.

00:56:49.000 That's like going to your mother and telling me you're fucking your cousin, but don't tell your dad.

00:56:52.000 So when you fly, bro, you take things across state lines and shit.

00:56:58.000 Yeah, that becomes a federal issue.

00:57:00.000 It's like if you kidnap somebody and just drive them to Vegas, you're fucked.

00:57:04.000 You know if I have a warrant, it's not worth it.

00:57:06.000 Let's pretend.

00:57:07.000 Let's pretend you don't have a warrant.

00:57:09.000 That's even harder to imagine.

00:57:11.000 There's got to be some other you haven't dealt with.

00:57:13.000 Let's pretend I'm under suspicion for trafficking narcotics, and they don't have a warrant for my arrest, but they're listening to my conversations on the phone.

00:57:25.000 This is how bad this is.

00:57:26.000 What is the first thing I say to you when I answer the phone?

00:57:29.000 When you answer the phone?

00:57:30.000 Hey, can you talk?

00:57:32.000 Do you want to talk?

00:57:33.000 What's the first thing I say to you?

00:57:34.000 Hey, Cox.

00:57:36.000 If you're in Vegas and I'm in L.A., let's say you have suspicion, I get arrested for saying that over a fucking line.

00:57:44.000 What?

00:57:44.000 It goes from state to state.

00:57:45.000 Did you know that, fucko? 0.97

00:57:47.000 Wait a minute, wait a minute.

00:57:48.000 Did you know that, fucko? 0.97

00:57:49.000 So go online.

00:57:50.000 Before you say anything.

00:57:51.000 So you're saying if...

00:57:57.000 You don't know it.

00:57:58.000 They're not going to arrest you.

00:58:00.000 But if you're on suspicion for something, this is just a way for them to fuck with you, to stop you at an airport.

00:58:07.000 They have a law for it.

00:58:08.000 You can't curse over an open line and state...

00:58:12.000 Okay, these are the simple things that everybody's a fucking genius, but nobody knows.

00:58:17.000 But these are to stop your liberties.

00:58:18.000 This is just to stop you for 15 minutes and stop you and see if something could come up in 24 hours for them to arrest you.

00:58:26.000 So they could use this, like if you were swearing, they could use that as a law to bring you in and then they start getting you for other things?

00:58:33.000 No, listen, you fucking none of you.

00:58:35.000 What the fuck, Joe Rogan?

00:58:36.000 No, by law.

00:58:37.000 I'm asking a question.

00:58:38.000 Okay, when you're a detective, let's say you're a fellow detective.

00:58:40.000 Let's say you're a fellow detective.

00:58:42.000 Each state has guidelines.

00:58:43.000 In Seattle, Washington, if I push Redman, and Redman has no witnesses, they have 72 hours to charge me with the crime for Redman, for pushing Redman.

00:58:52.000 If they don't get 72, those 72 hours are a window for them to get you for other things.

00:58:57.000 It's called detainment.

00:58:58.000 So when those twins, so let's pretend OJ stabbed his wife.

00:59:03.000 All right.

00:59:03.000 And they'll have nothing to do in LA, but they want to get him for something.

00:59:07.000 They'll detain them until they find something.

00:59:10.000 And then after 24 hours, they got to let you go, whatever that state particular law is.

00:59:14.000 So you don't have to have knowledge of the fact that it's on an open line for it to count?

00:59:18.000 Yeah.

00:59:19.000 It's a federal wiretap.

00:59:20.000 It's a federal wiretap.

00:59:22.000 The next time I do the podcast, I'll come up here and bring you letters I get.

00:59:25.000 Bring me some paper.

00:59:26.000 Certify letters.

00:59:27.000 Certify that shit.

00:59:28.000 Get that shit signed by New Jersey, from New Jersey Federal Prosecutor's Office.

00:59:33.000 I have a friend who's involved in bookmaking.

00:59:35.000 Can you get a wax stamp?

00:59:36.000 What do you mean?

00:59:37.000 Whenever he calls me, no, whenever he calls me.

00:59:40.000 Whenever they tap you on a phone, if I have a phone tap and you don't know and you just call me because you're my friend, after they arrest me and they take me to trial, you're going to get a bunch of mail telling you that we were listening to you on an open line.

00:59:52.000 Really?

00:59:53.000 Yeah, these are things they have to do.

00:59:55.000 See, in the old days, you knew if your line was tapped.

00:59:58.000 All you had to do was go into your phone box.

01:00:00.000 The feds in those days would put a tag on your phone that said property of the United States government.

01:00:05.000 Didn't take a genius.

01:00:06.000 They would have to put tags.

01:00:07.000 Now they don't have that no more.

01:00:08.000 They could tag you with bugs or they could tag you in the box in the tree.

01:00:12.000 But in the old days, if you lived in an apartment, your phone line was getting tagged.

01:00:15.000 Or there was a box in a tree somewhere.

01:00:17.000 What they do is kick the box.

01:00:19.000 Did you ever have your shit tapped?

01:00:21.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:00:21.000 Really?

01:00:22.000 Yeah, your body.

01:00:22.000 And I had friends that had their shit tapped.

01:00:25.000 Dog, I'm not going to sit here and go, you hear it click.

01:00:28.000 Are you wearing a wire right now?

01:00:29.000 Yeah, yeah, it's on my dick.

01:00:30.000 Come over here and sniff it, cop sucker. 1.00

01:00:33.000 Come over here and suck on this fucking mic, you little dirty. 1.00

01:00:35.000 This wire sure is small.

01:00:37.000 But what it is, is so what do you understand my point?

01:00:40.000 So I would never get rid of Joe Roger.

01:00:42.000 What did they wiretap you for?

01:00:44.000 Drugs in 85 and Aspen.

01:00:46.000 But I would never, do you understand me?

01:00:48.000 You think the cops are going to be listening to our conversation?

01:00:50.000 Because now they can listen to anything.

01:00:53.000 And so right now I'm at home and for some reason I tap into Red Bands and whatever's conversation and I'm in Vegas for the UFC and I go, Red Band, cocksucker. 1.00

01:01:03.000 They're not going to get a cop car to come and arrest me.

01:01:05.000 But.

01:01:06.000 So is that why you say cocksucker to everybody?

01:01:08.000 They're not going to arrest you.

01:01:09.000 And they can't come over.

01:01:10.000 What evidence you got, man?

01:01:11.000 Call them a cocklicker.

01:01:12.000 They can't come over and arrest me because they're just saying they're fucking around.

01:01:16.000 But let's pretend Joe Diaz is under suspicion for something and they're trying to arrest me for something.

01:01:22.000 Something that we know all we need is 24 hours to get him.

01:01:25.000 They're wiring me while they're listening to me.

01:01:27.000 They go, tap that fucking line.

01:01:29.000 This is how beautiful the law works for you sometimes.

01:01:31.000 Tap that line.

01:01:32.000 Where is he talking to?

01:01:33.000 Vegas?

01:01:34.000 Go get him for opening over a talking over a fucking. 1.00

01:01:38.000 They have an open line, swearing over an open line over federal boundaries.

01:01:41.000 And they'll come fucking knock on my door, take me down there for 24 hours, then release me and say it was a technicality.

01:01:47.000 But at least they took me off the street for 24 hours.

01:01:49.000 And all of a sudden, as I'm getting out, they'll say, by the way, Mr. Diaz, we have another sheet of paper for your warrant.

01:01:55.000 That's what they do that too.

01:01:56.000 Oh, then they bring the rights.

01:01:57.000 Do you understand me?

01:01:57.000 All these rules are going to be to help a different case.

01:02:01.000 A RICO case strengthens the case.

01:02:03.000 When I got in trouble for kidnapping, if you got arrested for two or more violent crimes at the same time, so let's say you get assault one and assault two.

01:02:11.000 They automatically have to charge you with crime of violence.

01:02:14.000 It's a state law.

01:02:15.000 So what is an assault one?

01:02:16.000 What's an assault two?

01:02:17.000 Assault one, you hit him in the head with a fucking pipe.

01:02:19.000 Assault two, you shove the bottle up his ass. 1.00

01:02:21.000 I'm not sure.

01:02:22.000 There's different degrees of.

01:02:23.000 Did you see this guy in Oklahoma that's getting, he's getting first-degree murder because he got robbed and this is what he did.

01:02:30.000 He went outside.

01:02:31.000 There's a video of it.

01:02:33.000 They pull out a gun.

01:02:34.000 They say, give us your money.

01:02:35.000 He pulls out his gun and shoots.

01:02:37.000 The fucking guys run.

01:02:38.000 There's two guys in the place.

01:02:39.000 The first guy, he hit with a bullet.

01:02:41.000 And he was the guy who didn't have the gun.

01:02:42.000 So one guy had a gun, one guy didn't.

01:02:44.000 He shoots the guy who doesn't have the gun.

01:02:46.000 The guy with the gun runs.

01:02:47.000 He runs outside with his gun, looking for the guy, trying to shoot him.

01:02:50.000 The guy's gone.

01:02:51.000 He comes back inside.

01:02:52.000 The guy he shot first is on the ground.

01:02:54.000 He puts his gun down, grabs another gun, walks over to the guy, and unloads on him.

01:02:58.000 Doom, doom, doom, doom.

01:03:00.000 And executes him.

01:03:01.000 That's murder.

01:03:02.000 It's murder.

01:03:02.000 Yeah.

01:03:02.000 Supermur.

01:03:03.000 You had him the first time.

01:03:04.000 The second time, he didn't have him.

01:03:04.000 Yeah.

01:03:06.000 But in Texas, in Texas, they have crimes of passion.

01:03:10.000 And that might be a different motherfucker.

01:03:10.000 Yeah.

01:03:12.000 They might allow you to get away with that in Texas.

01:03:14.000 Yeah, you can pretty much do whatever you want to have somebody's on your property.

01:03:17.000 But Texas, you can catch your wife boning some dude and kill the both of them and get away with it. 1.00

01:03:21.000 And raise a crime of passion.

01:03:24.000 I mean, I'm not saying it's going to happen every day.

01:03:25.000 What about the dude we see?

01:03:26.000 You could argue it.

01:03:27.000 The dude in Texas, the old dude that had the shotgun in the house, and he called the police, and the police says, we're going to send the car right over.

01:03:33.000 Well, fuck you, you are.

01:03:34.000 I'm going to go shoot these motherfuckers right now. 0.82

01:03:36.000 And they're like, come back, sir.

01:03:38.000 Wasn't it?

01:03:38.000 You want to see?

01:03:39.000 They're like, come back.

01:03:39.000 Remember, he was the next cop.

01:03:41.000 He was like fucking 80.

01:03:42.000 And they're like, sir, mind your business.

01:03:45.000 God damn, mind my business.

01:03:46.000 I'm getting a shotgun.

01:03:47.000 Sir, sir, you hear.

01:03:48.000 Where was he?

01:03:49.000 Boom.

01:03:50.000 Boom.

01:03:50.000 In Houston.

01:03:51.000 And he comes back and he goes, God damn, I got me two motherfuckers.

01:03:55.000 Sir, stay in the house.

01:03:56.000 I'm coming right back.

01:03:56.000 He went out there and shot him again.

01:03:58.000 Remember that name?

01:03:59.000 Something the burglar next door.

01:04:01.000 Next door.

01:04:02.000 He kept out of the cow's dog.

01:04:02.000 Fucking classic.

01:04:04.000 I'm going to go shoot him.

01:04:05.000 Stay in the house.

01:04:05.000 No, sir.

01:04:07.000 We were like working in town that weekend.

01:04:09.000 Something happened.

01:04:10.000 Then we've seen it.

01:04:11.000 Weren't we in Houston that weekend when it was happening?

01:04:13.000 Something fucking happened.

01:04:14.000 Now it's coming back to me.

01:04:15.000 Yeah, what happened to that dude?

01:04:16.000 Did that dude get arrested for that?

01:04:17.000 He was fucking 100 years old.

01:04:19.000 You give that guy a medal and a gallon of milk.

01:04:21.000 And you know what I'm saying?

01:04:22.000 You give him a fucking medal and a pass to Disneyland.

01:04:25.000 That guy's balls.

01:04:26.000 You know what I'm saying?

01:04:27.000 When it gets to be 80, he was like, I'm going to say he was like 68.

01:04:31.000 But just to say, and do you remember, like, they had footage of him or something.

01:04:35.000 Something hit him.

01:04:36.000 Why was the 911 call?

01:04:37.000 Him like out there with the gun like, come back, Negro, and just running behind him. 1.00

01:04:41.000 Boom! 0.99

01:04:42.000 And then he went back in the house and called and went back out to the shit.

01:04:45.000 911 call, I think.

01:04:46.000 Yes, he could dial 911 and said, I got him.

01:04:50.000 But what I was telling you is, they charge you with something, Joe, so it makes the plea bargain easier.

01:04:56.000 Right.

01:04:56.000 I understand.

01:04:57.000 I understand that they can use it to arrest scumbags.

01:05:00.000 Hey, we smelled, you know, pot.

01:05:02.000 We came in.

01:05:02.000 He had white slavery going on.

01:05:04.000 It was getting high at the same time.

01:05:05.000 I can understand.

01:05:06.000 I can understand.

01:05:07.000 I understand the idea behind making it easier for law enforcement.

01:05:11.000 I'm 100% pro-law enforcement.

01:05:14.000 I know a lot of cops and I know a lot of good cops and I know a lot of cops that are good dudes.

01:05:18.000 And I know most cops get a shitty rap, but most of the time when you're talking to cops, it's because you fucked up.

01:05:23.000 That's reality.

01:05:24.000 And we've all fucked up before.

01:05:25.000 But I've found in my life that if you're respectful and you treat the cops straightforward and don't give them a fucking hard time and don't challenge their position, you know, just accept what's going on.

01:05:37.000 He's doing a job.

01:05:38.000 We have fucking rules.

01:05:39.000 There is society and this guy represents those rules.

01:05:41.000 So you treat him with respect.

01:05:43.000 Thank you, sir.

01:05:43.000 And I've never had a fucking problem with cops, but I'm not a criminal.

01:05:47.000 I'm not a scumbag.

01:05:49.000 And I never had problems with cops.

01:05:51.000 I had a cop one time with handcuffs on go in my zipper pocket over here and I had 30 fucking volumes in there, the blue ones, the old school used to be in the middle, which would kill a fucking horse.

01:06:01.000 Isn't that Viagra?

01:06:02.000 It's 82, fucking Momo.

01:06:02.000 No, he looked at them.

01:06:04.000 He looked at him.

01:06:04.000 He didn't have Viagra in 82.

01:06:05.000 And he put him fucking back and just smiled.

01:06:07.000 I had a cop in Boulder.

01:06:08.000 Really?

01:06:09.000 Who I took my side.

01:06:10.000 I was telling this story on stage the other.

01:06:11.000 When you get arrested, you got to take your shoes off, then your socks.

01:06:14.000 But you have to turn your socks out.

01:06:16.000 I had this fucking skunk in my sneaker.

01:06:18.000 You know what I mean?

01:06:19.000 I had it deep, deep, deep in the arch.

01:06:21.000 It was so much in there.

01:06:22.000 I was walking with a fucking limp.

01:06:24.000 And they pulled me over.

01:06:25.000 I had a speeding ticket and the guy fucking arrested me.

01:06:27.000 And when they take me back, the guy went to pull the sock off and look at the weed.

01:06:31.000 And he looked at it as Joe.

01:06:33.000 He looked at his happy ash.

01:06:34.000 He goes, it's Sativa season.

01:06:36.000 He didn't even know what he was talking about.

01:06:38.000 The next day I go to get charged and they charge me with everything, but then they'll charge me with the weed.

01:06:42.000 You better charge me with the weed. 0.89

01:06:44.000 He stole my weed and didn't charge me with it.

01:06:45.000 So you charge me with the ticket.

01:06:47.000 Fuck you.

01:06:47.000 If you're going to charge me with everything, charge me with everything.

01:06:49.000 You take my weed and just charge me with one thing.

01:06:51.000 He charged me with everything except the fucking charges.

01:06:53.000 He wanted the weed.

01:06:54.000 If he charged you with the weed, he couldn't keep the weed.

01:06:57.000 I've been one thing.

01:06:58.000 I've fucked up a lot, and I've always had no problems.

01:06:58.000 It's pretty simple.

01:07:02.000 Don't be mad.

01:07:03.000 Look, I know there's some dirty cops out there. 0.96

01:07:04.000 I know there's some douchebag cops. 0.94

01:07:06.000 I know there's some, I've read some shit.

01:07:08.000 I've seen documentaries.

01:07:09.000 There's good and bad and everything.

01:07:09.000 I know.

01:07:11.000 I watched Cocaine Cowboys where they talk about how the entire fucking year, graduating year, one year, it was like 84 or something, the entire graduating year of the Miami Police Department, what is the police entire, either died or got murdered or got put in prison.

01:07:29.000 All of them became corrupt.

01:07:30.000 It was one of the worst things that could ever happen.

01:07:33.000 It was like one of those things, what is it when you have to open up?

01:07:35.000 They opened up a program in Miami in 80 to promote more police officers that were Spanish.

01:07:42.000 So they took all these cops that had juvenile records like a motherfucker, all these kids, erased them, and just gave them jobs to give the department a better thing.

01:07:50.000 And there was this one case where they had these four cops, I forget what they called them, the harbor cops or whatever, that they were just pulling people over on the road, shooting you, and taking your shit, throwing you in the water, all four of them, just on the road like pirates, bro.

01:08:05.000 Then have your information.

01:08:06.000 And one got out.

01:08:07.000 What did they call them again?

01:08:08.000 I forget the four cops.

01:08:10.000 And then one got out.

01:08:11.000 This happened in 83, 82.

01:08:14.000 And the one guy got out in 99 and he became a cook at Club Mambo in Coconut Grove.

01:08:19.000 And they had signs all over Coconut Grove.

01:08:21.000 Don't hire him.

01:08:22.000 Don't go to Mambo.

01:08:23.000 The guy was a killer.

01:08:24.000 They were killers.

01:08:25.000 They were just going up.

01:08:26.000 They weren't even arresting you.

01:08:29.000 How did that guy get out of jail?

01:08:31.000 Pulling you out by your hair, blowing your brains out, throwing you over the causeway, taking your Mercedes with the fucking Porsche, going it back.

01:08:38.000 When they each got popped, they each had millions plus.

01:08:41.000 They each had 300 kilos of cocaine.

01:08:44.000 Like they were so far gone doing blowing, just shooting people.

01:08:47.000 The harbor cops, the roadway cops, the, and they were all these crazy little fucking spics that, you know, Cuban kids, dog, that have juvenile records, but they had to promote them. 1.00

01:08:57.000 How'd they get out of jail?

01:08:59.000 I mean, half of them got shot.

01:09:00.000 Who the fuck knows?

01:09:01.000 I mean, is it, I mean, when you do something like that, you got to get life, right?

01:09:05.000 If they catch you executing people, what the fuck did they, how is this guy, how is it possible that he could have got out?

01:09:12.000 I have no fucking idea, but that was 20 fucking years.

01:09:15.000 I'm sorry about that.

01:09:17.000 So you vibrating over there?

01:09:19.000 So what is it, just different laws back then?

01:09:22.000 to the cops or?

01:09:23.000 Well, different laws for like...

01:09:27.000 This is why people don't explain this on television.

01:09:30.000 Well, he's getting 10 years.

01:09:31.000 He's getting four fucking years.

01:09:34.000 Okay?

01:09:34.000 He's getting four fucking years.

01:09:35.000 Especially with overcrowded.

01:09:36.000 He's doing four years overcrowded prisons, programs, first-time offenders, you know, all this fucking bullshit that you qualify for, especially if you're non-violent.

01:09:44.000 So what?

01:09:44.000 You sold a grandma fucking blow.

01:09:46.000 Right.

01:09:46.000 They don't want you in there, really, in a way.

01:09:48.000 You know, they'll make you pay to get the fuck out of there.

01:09:51.000 It's going to cost you to get out of there.

01:09:51.000 You're going to pay.

01:09:53.000 But this guy, these guys were like hardcore murderers.

01:09:55.000 They're called murderers.

01:09:56.000 But they still get out before the other still alive.

01:09:58.000 I think the one guy got out.

01:10:00.000 But you got to remember, this was 84, and we were in Coconut Grove in 2000.

01:10:04.000 So that's 15 fucking years.

01:10:05.000 So if they gave this guy a 20-year sentence, remember, the more the violent the crime, the parole board turns you down.

01:10:11.000 So if you get 20 years, you do 10, but the parole board could turn you down eight times.

01:10:15.000 So they don't always turn you down.

01:10:16.000 Even if you do heinous shit, man, there was a dude who got released a couple of years ago in Houston.

01:10:21.000 And this guy years ago, I forget how many, it was a long time ago, murdered some grandmother and this little girl.

01:10:29.000 I think the girl was like three or four, and he drowned her in a fucking toilet, man.

01:10:33.000 I mean, this guy was a killer.

01:10:35.000 This guy was a hardcore, evil motherfucker.

01:10:38.000 Killed this grandmother in front of the daughter, the granddaughter, and the granddaughter was making too much noise, so he drowned her in the toilet and killed the both of them and went to jail.

01:10:46.000 And then they let him out.

01:10:47.000 And they will let him out.

01:10:48.000 He just immediately started killing chicks immediately. 1.00

01:10:51.000 By the time they got to his house, they found one of those big drums, those big metal drums with some woman chopped up and stuffed inside of it. 0.98

01:11:00.000 And they found evidence of another murder somewhere else in his house.

01:11:02.000 And then they couldn't find the fuck.

01:11:06.000 But then again, you're a very intelligent guy.

01:11:08.000 And you understand that people make mistakes.

01:11:10.000 Yeah, when you can drown a baby, you're dead.

01:11:12.000 So right now, what I'm trying to say to you, I'm trying to say to you is things are bad.

01:11:17.000 I got a family.

01:11:18.000 I know people.

01:11:19.000 And I go out there and I sling some weed and I get fucking eight years for slinging fucking weed.

01:11:23.000 And they lock me and put me under the fucking jail.

01:11:25.000 But this guy, the system failed.

01:11:27.000 And they let him out.

01:11:28.000 And this is the flaws.

01:11:29.000 I see that they got a, listen, man.

01:11:32.000 If it's your first time offending for cocaine, I think they should give you a stiff penalty up front so you understand what it's like behind back there.

01:11:39.000 And that's the only way you'll learn the same way I learned.

01:11:42.000 Because once you go back there, it ain't no fucking joke.

01:11:45.000 And I'm not talking about, oh, you're gonna get raped and don't drop the song.

01:11:48.000 I'm talking about you miss your peeps, bro.

01:11:51.000 The people who love you and have faith in you, they're the ones you hurt.

01:11:54.000 And when you see their faces, that's when you make a decision.

01:11:56.000 Either you're gonna go back there or you're fucking not. 0.61

01:11:59.000 I feel that everybody should pay for what they've done in society.

01:12:02.000 It's the only way you're gonna learn from it.

01:12:03.000 I keep giving you probation.

01:12:05.000 You're gonna keep doing the same shit.

01:12:06.000 Lindsay Lohan nothing needs six months fucking years with a bunch of hardcore sisters with no fucking Afro sheen in their hair when they start looking like fucking Magoomba. 1.00

01:12:15.000 And you'll see what fucking happens.

01:12:17.000 You'll see what fucking happens.

01:12:18.000 You'll see if she ever shoplifts again, dog.

01:12:20.000 And I'm telling you this from the honesty.

01:12:22.000 When you start sitting down talking to people and the way you and I talk about, oh, we fucked this chick or we did a show.

01:12:27.000 When I talk to you, I said, the time I stabbed that motherfucker in the neck, that was my best day in my life.

01:12:31.000 And you're like, this ain't the motherfucker that's coming to my kids' baptism. 0.78

01:12:37.000 You understand me?

01:12:38.000 So I feel that, yeah.

01:12:40.000 But for me to give you, like in Michigan, I'm reading, they're giving motherfuckers 12 years for selling Coke on the street and shit.

01:12:47.000 12 years.

01:12:48.000 12 years, nine years.

01:12:49.000 Hey, four years.

01:12:50.000 Did you hear about what they're doing in Palm Beach County in Florida?

01:12:53.000 You hear they're having kids, young 19, 20-year-old cops, and they're putting them in high school?

01:12:59.000 What?

01:12:59.000 And they're busting kids for selling weed?

01:13:02.000 Have you heard about this?

01:13:02.000 Yeah, we talked about it.

01:13:03.000 We talked about it.

01:13:04.000 Yeah, we talked about it before we left.

01:13:05.000 You have three children.

01:13:06.000 What do you want to do?

01:13:08.000 You mad at that?

01:13:09.000 Yeah, yeah, I am mad.

01:13:11.000 It's high school, and they're smoking weed.

01:13:13.000 That's all you're arresting them for?

01:13:14.000 Look, if you're arresting him for undercover of murder for hire plots, and they're planning on knocking over banks and shit when they get out of high school, yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:13:22.000 Yeah, bust them for that. 0.63

01:13:23.000 I understand.

01:13:24.000 It's just pot.

01:13:25.000 That's all they did.

01:13:25.000 They went in and this chick pretended to be a fucking high school student.

01:13:28.000 Hey, you guys want to buy pot?

01:13:30.000 And they're like, yeah, well, you got some?

01:13:31.000 Next thing you know, they're in jail.

01:13:33.000 I mean, the whole thing is ridiculous.

01:13:35.000 Our tax dollars went for a woman to pretend that she was in high school so she could find out who's got the weed. 1.00

01:13:41.000 You know, you have children now, so you understand that when you said it, I've heard it come out of your mouth.

01:13:47.000 You know that that's West Plum and that Miami.

01:13:50.000 That area is a cesspool of fucking truck.

01:13:52.000 That area is terrible.

01:13:53.000 Let's be honest.

01:13:54.000 But the problem with that area is pills.

01:13:57.000 Wow, that even makes it worse in my fucking eyes.

01:14:00.000 The problem is pills, and pills are everywhere.

01:14:02.000 We talked about it on the podcast before, but if you haven't seen it, it's available online.

01:14:07.000 You need to watch an episode of Vanguard called the OxyContin Express.

01:14:12.000 And they go into Vanguard is this network.

01:14:14.000 It's one of those shows on one of those weird networks where you're not exactly sure what it is, like True TV or some shit like that.

01:14:19.000 But if you can find it on your DVR, it's the shit.

01:14:23.000 Because they go on these like investigative journalistic adventures and undercover a lot of shit.

01:14:28.000 And one of the things they did is they uncovered the whole situation down in Florida.

01:14:31.000 It's called the OxyContin Express.

01:14:33.000 And it shows how they have these pain management centers in Florida.

01:14:36.000 And Florida doesn't have a database.

01:14:38.000 So if you got a prescription for OxyContins, which you could easily down there, you say, oh, my back's fucked up.

01:14:43.000 They look at you, they go, well, the guy's a little overweight.

01:14:46.000 Maybe he's got a back problem.

01:14:47.000 They write you a prescription.

01:14:47.000 Here you go.

01:14:48.000 They're in the office and you go right next door in the same fucking building and they've got the OxyContin.

01:14:54.000 And they sell it to you.

01:14:55.000 It's like they're legal heroin dealers and they have no database.

01:14:59.000 So if you went to Dr. Joey Diaz and got your prescription, you could get out of the car, drive right down the street, and go to Dr. Joe Rogan.

01:15:06.000 And Dr. Joe Rogan writes a prescription for you too.

01:15:08.000 And then you go down the street another fucking 20 miles down the road and get another prescription.

01:15:12.000 And you can do it over and over again because they can't compare.

01:15:15.000 So you can just show up at these page management centers and get 30, 40 fucking pills.

01:15:20.000 And these people are, they're called the OxyContin Express because people are driving down from Kentucky and Ohio.

01:15:25.000 They're driving down this highway to access the Florida fucking OxyContin.

01:15:30.000 They're hanging out in front of this place.

01:15:32.000 I mean, it is a trip, man.

01:15:34.000 They show the inside of this building.

01:15:36.000 There's all these people jonesing and walking back and forth like zombies.

01:15:40.000 And they're sitting there smoking cigarettes, sitting in front of the place, waiting for it to open.

01:15:44.000 It's fucking nuts, man.

01:15:46.000 They're waiting to get in and get their shit.

01:15:48.000 And they have all these undercover comics, undercover cameras.

01:15:51.000 They're interviewing all these people.

01:15:53.000 It's like, where you coming from?

01:15:54.000 Man, I'm coming from Kentucky.

01:15:55.000 I make this trip once a month.

01:15:57.000 I need my stuff.

01:15:58.000 Tell you what, you can't get it in Kentucky.

01:16:01.000 They're busting people left and right now.

01:16:04.000 I don't know if it's on Netflix.

01:16:06.000 I know, I watched it online, and then I found the show on TV.

01:16:10.000 I didn't even know about the show until somebody said Boulevard.

01:16:14.000 Everybody's hooking up.

01:16:15.000 The documentary.

01:16:16.000 No, the documentary is too.

01:16:17.000 Everybody, look, I mean, you can get OxyContins.

01:16:21.000 I know a dude who had a problem, and he had a problem because he got a prescription for it when he lived in Texas, and then he moved to California.

01:16:28.000 He got another prescription for it here, and he decided to just have himself a little fucking party.

01:16:32.000 And so when he did that, he got jacked.

01:16:33.000 Look at this cookie out there.

01:16:35.000 What the fuck is that?

01:16:36.000 Oh my God.

01:16:37.000 That looks like Kermit the Frog.

01:16:38.000 Please do that, please.

01:16:40.000 The body of Christ compels you.

01:16:42.000 I overdosed the other day, Joe.

01:16:44.000 What happened?

01:16:44.000 Yeah, I heard.

01:16:45.000 Are you going to eat that whole thing?

01:16:46.000 Oh, you're a fuck.

01:16:47.000 You know what I'm saying?

01:16:47.000 No, you fuck it.

01:16:48.000 Get that way out.

01:16:48.000 Fuck you.

01:16:49.000 I'm scared.

01:16:50.000 I'm scared of that cookie.

01:16:51.000 So I had mushrooms in Solvang.

01:16:53.000 I don't even remember it.

01:16:54.000 And it wasn't that big of a trip, so I've been kind of jonesing it.

01:16:56.000 Solvang, people should know, is a town.

01:16:58.000 I've been up there.

01:16:58.000 Solvang.

01:16:59.000 It's like wine country.

01:17:00.000 Go with your girl, have a nice time, pop a few mushrooms.

01:17:03.000 Right, and it wasn't as good as I wanted, so I've been kind of jonesing to do it again.

01:17:07.000 So me and my girlfriend were like, hey, let's see.

01:17:09.000 Are you measuring your dose or are you just like looking at it?

01:17:12.000 I usually buy like a quarter or an eighth and usually take half of that.

01:17:17.000 A quarter.

01:17:17.000 An eighth of an ounce.

01:17:18.000 Yes.

01:17:19.000 Okay.

01:17:20.000 What is an ounce?

01:17:21.000 I saw the picture the fucking one.

01:17:21.000 16 grams?

01:17:23.000 They're beautiful.

01:17:23.000 I saw it.

01:17:24.000 16 grams?

01:17:24.000 What is an ounce?

01:17:25.000 I don't know.

01:17:26.000 I don't go by ounces at all.

01:17:28.000 I always just went by quarters and an eighth.

01:17:30.000 28 grams.

01:17:31.000 Is it 28 grams?

01:17:32.000 Yeah, you're eating how many?

01:17:34.000 Half a quarter.

01:17:35.000 Half a quarter.

01:17:36.000 So a quarter is seven fucking grams, and you're eating an eighth.

01:17:39.000 Okay.

01:17:39.000 So I ate a full quarter, if not more, this time around.

01:17:43.000 You're fucking crazy.

01:17:44.000 Oh, so you went over five grams this year.

01:17:46.000 Yeah, he's fucking crazy.

01:17:47.000 Oh, no, I went over probably.

01:17:49.000 Seven grams.

01:17:50.000 Oh, some more.

01:17:51.000 So you crossed over to the dark side.

01:17:53.000 What happened is the mushrooms, like, I don't know if you saw the picture.

01:17:57.000 One of the caps I had was about the size of A baseball, maybe.

01:18:02.000 It's huge.

01:18:02.000 It was huge.

01:18:03.000 And the stem was about that big, which was about the size of, I don't know, and thick.

01:18:08.000 It was like a huge, chunky, fat.

01:18:11.000 I've never seen mushrooms that I thought they weren't real.

01:18:13.000 Like, I thought they picked the wrong kind and it wasn't going to work because they were so big.

01:18:18.000 And there was no way to really judge it.

01:18:19.000 So I was like, you eat fucking half of it, you lucky.

01:18:22.000 It was the dumbest thing ever.

01:18:23.000 I was just, I was like, you know what?

01:18:25.000 I want to see a lot of crazy shit.

01:18:26.000 I'm going to go deep this time.

01:18:27.000 Wow.

01:18:28.000 And so I made tea.

01:18:29.000 My girlfriend made tea.

01:18:31.000 With the mushrooms in it?

01:18:32.000 With the mushrooms.

01:18:33.000 We both made our own separate teas.

01:18:35.000 So we both had about a quarter each in each one of our teas.

01:18:39.000 And she only drank half of it because she started feeling it halfway through drinking the tea.

01:18:43.000 Jesus.

01:18:44.000 So she didn't eat.

01:18:44.000 Yeah.

01:18:45.000 I did it quick and I just ate it and drank the whole thing real quick.

01:18:49.000 And then we're both laying on the couch and my body starts twitching.

01:18:52.000 Like immediately I had all these twitches over my body.

01:18:55.000 It was twitching.

01:19:00.000 Yeah.

01:19:00.000 The only thing I had ate today, because that's another thing in Soul Fang, maybe I had ate before.

01:19:04.000 So the only thing I ate today that day was a beet salad.

01:19:06.000 That's how you're supposed to do it.

01:19:07.000 Right.

01:19:08.000 You're supposed to fast for like 12 hours.

01:19:10.000 So I had a small beet salad, like seriously small beet salad.

01:19:13.000 Oh my God.

01:19:13.000 So I'm laying on the couch and suddenly I looked at my hand and it turned into triangles, pyramids.

01:19:19.000 Like I couldn't see my fingers.

01:19:21.000 They were just tons of little pyramids.

01:19:23.000 And then I looked to the ground.

01:19:25.000 Little geometric patterns.

01:19:26.000 Yeah.

01:19:26.000 And I've always had in the past, whenever I was swrooming, I knew where I was.

01:19:30.000 I looked around.

01:19:30.000 I saw the room.

01:19:31.000 I knew it was my room, but it just looked trippy.

01:19:34.000 This was like, no, I was not seeing anything that looked familiar.

01:19:38.000 It was like pyramids and gears and a lot of clock tower type things, like inside a clock where it has all this gears and stuff.

01:19:47.000 Mechanisms, like you're seeing the inner workings of the universe.

01:19:50.000 And so me and girlfriend both fucked up as hell.

01:19:53.000 We were like, you know, let's go upstairs and lay in your bed and just chill out and look at things.

01:19:56.000 How'd you get upstairs?

01:19:58.000 I fell to the ground four times while walking up to the stairs.

01:20:02.000 My feet would not work anymore.

01:20:04.000 My legs just would not work.

01:20:05.000 Yeah, you're supposed to be lying down.

01:20:07.000 So I laid down and it started smelling like dog pee where I was laying.

01:20:07.000 Yeah.

01:20:10.000 So I was trying to crawl.

01:20:13.000 So I was trying to crawl.

01:20:14.000 So I somehow got in bed and I'm looking at what was the ceiling fan.

01:20:18.000 But to me, it was just this spinning black hole of colors.

01:20:24.000 And I thought I was dead.

01:20:26.000 I was like, I am dead.

01:20:27.000 And then I just started getting really sick, like poisoned sick.

01:20:32.000 And so then I was like, holy shit, I got to puke.

01:20:34.000 No, I'm not going to puke.

01:20:35.000 I tried not to make myself puke.

01:20:37.000 Finally, I get up, ran to the bathroom somehow, fell on the ground too.

01:20:40.000 I ran to the bathroom, puked.

01:20:41.000 My puke turned into what was beets, turned into this red furry tree that came out and was just shooting lasers and stuff.

01:20:48.000 And so I started recording myself, trying to find my phone, and I couldn't even use my phone.

01:20:53.000 So like it took me maybe a half hour to find out how to use my phone because the phone was just a big kaleidoscope of shit, you know?

01:21:00.000 And then suddenly it all stopped.

01:21:02.000 And I was like, what the fuck was that?

01:21:03.000 I feel normal.

01:21:04.000 I don't see anything and everything.

01:21:05.000 And suddenly it just immediately went right back into the world.

01:21:09.000 And it was, it was, I swear to God, I thought I had a poison.

01:21:14.000 I thought I had died.

01:21:15.000 I had no idea what's going on.

01:21:17.000 My girlfriend was laying in bed, just seeing all the same shit, not feeling like she was dying.

01:21:21.000 She only had half of what I had.

01:21:22.000 She wasn't puking or anything.

01:21:24.000 But I was, I couldn't stop puking.

01:21:26.000 It was just, I had nothing in me.

01:21:28.000 I don't even know what I was puking.

01:21:29.000 And I thought I fucking died.

01:21:31.000 You know, it's fascinating when you talk about the big ones because I've never had big ones.

01:21:34.000 I've only had like little ones.

01:21:35.000 Yeah, me too.

01:21:36.000 But Dennis and Terrence McKenna, when they were in the Amazon in like the 1970s, this is when they started having their psychedelic adventures and they would go take the ayahuasca and eat the mushrooms.

01:21:49.000 They said the mushrooms are like dinner plates.

01:21:51.000 Like in the Amazon, these motherfuckers grow and they're like, you know, if you grow in a real fertile environment like that, that's one of the reasons why, look at the size of that. 1.00

01:21:59.000 Holy shit.

01:22:00.000 Brian's holding one up, a picture of one.

01:22:02.000 Dude, that looks like a spaceship.

01:22:03.000 And then, yeah, look inside of it.

01:22:04.000 I zoomed in on it.

01:22:05.000 And that looks like a fucking, like, I don't know, like a whale or sperm or an eyeball.

01:22:11.000 It only makes sense that those big ones would be even stronger.

01:22:14.000 Like, what if they're stronger per ounce as well?

01:22:16.000 You know?

01:22:17.000 But then what I was going to say is Dennis McKenna went crazy for like two weeks.

01:22:21.000 He had some sort of a schizophrenic episode from the mushrooms and lost his marbles and was like gone for two weeks.

01:22:28.000 They don't know what happened or what.

01:22:29.000 They don't know exactly what you mean.

01:22:31.000 He eventually came back, but he was apparently just gone for like the longest time.

01:22:35.000 That's some scary shit, dude.

01:22:37.000 That was scary.

01:22:38.000 It was four hours of being inside of a salvia or a DMT trip and not a bathroom, which I thought where I was at.

01:22:46.000 And my girlfriend said out, she would walk in and I would be sitting like Buddha, like legs crossed, facing the wall, like two inches from a wall, just staring at it with my eyes open.

01:22:56.000 And then I would look at her and my eyes would be cross-eyed.

01:22:59.000 And then like I would turn back towards the wall.

01:23:01.000 And she says, she's like, I didn't know what, she's like, I thought you were mad.

01:23:05.000 She's like, you were just sitting there facing a wall or something.

01:23:09.000 I have no idea what the fuck that was about.

01:23:12.000 Well, you wouldn't, you had what's called a breakthrough experience.

01:23:14.000 You have what all those psychedelic freaks all really want to see.

01:23:18.000 You know, a lot of people will talk about they like to do mushrooms, but they never really have done mushrooms.

01:23:22.000 You don't really do mushrooms until you see what you saw.

01:23:25.000 What you did is have the full-blown experience.

01:23:27.000 And that's one of the reasons why people talk about like, why do you make such a big deal?

01:23:32.000 They'll say to me, like, why do you make such a big deal about mushrooms?

01:23:34.000 Why do you make a big deal about DMT or the psychedelic experience?

01:23:38.000 Why do you make such a big deal out of it?

01:23:39.000 It's so infantile.

01:23:40.000 Well, I make a big deal about it because to me, it is a big deal.

01:23:43.000 What I've experienced, especially DMT, it's like, it's impossible.

01:23:48.000 It is impossible and it's impossibly beautiful and it's impossibly wise.

01:23:53.000 And after it's over, I feel like I'm a better person.

01:23:56.000 I feel like I learned something and I come back better and nicer and improved and more enlightened.

01:24:01.000 I mean, it sounds ridiculous.

01:24:03.000 I'm agreeing with you.

01:24:04.000 It sounds ridiculous hearing my own voice.

01:24:06.000 But god damn, that shit is important, you know?

01:24:08.000 And what you did, you know, you didn't know exactly how much to take.

01:24:11.000 And what if there was a shaman?

01:24:12.000 What if there was a center where you could go to?

01:24:14.000 And there's some fucking, you know, place in Malibu and there's some fucking people that have been doing it forever.

01:24:18.000 And Joey Diaz greets you at the door.

01:24:20.000 Come on in, cocksaka. 1.00

01:24:21.000 We got a room for you.

01:24:22.000 He's got his robe on and he takes you to the place and everybody does it correctly.

01:24:25.000 You know, what a beautiful world we could live in, man.

01:24:28.000 I'll tell you what, dog.

01:24:29.000 I started fucking With that shit when I was younger, and I was from the East Coast.

01:24:32.000 There was no fucking mushrooms, but I had these scientist kids that were like 30 when I was like 15, and they were scientists at East Stroud.

01:24:40.000 And every week they were into all this psychedelic and Sid Barrett and all this shit, and they would make stuff.

01:24:47.000 I gotta be honest with you, when I first started fucking around with acid, to me, it was just another way of getting fucked up, killing the pain.

01:24:53.000 Right, right, right.

01:24:54.000 I started doing acid before my mom died, and I started tripping up.

01:24:57.000 Like, I remember tripping to I was dead.

01:25:02.000 And I was on the way down.

01:25:03.000 But what's really fucked up was that that was just amazing.

01:25:07.000 But, you know, I started doing acid for the same reasons everybody else.

01:25:11.000 I didn't even learn about hallucinogenics and the alt button until years later.

01:25:17.000 Like when I did window pane in the eighth grade and I went to see the stones, I was mind-boggled.

01:25:22.000 What do you mean by the alt button?

01:25:23.000 You know, you made a very, you made one of the best ever correlations.

01:25:29.000 He said that doing DMT is like pressing the alt and delete for it.

01:25:33.000 Control-Alt-Delete.

01:25:34.000 Control-Alt-Delete.

01:25:35.000 It's like rebooting the world.

01:25:36.000 It's like rebooting the world.

01:25:37.000 And I remember being a kid and not just doing it to be high.

01:25:40.000 And then after my mother died, and then, you know, the years went by, I remember even six months, I started selling micro.acid.

01:25:46.000 And every week I'd pick up a different 500 hits or something, though, four-way acid.

01:25:50.000 I'd pick up.

01:25:51.000 And these guys were great.

01:25:52.000 That's what they did.

01:25:54.000 They tripped the right way.

01:25:55.000 They would take sheets for a weekend and go camping.

01:25:59.000 I would be petrified of staying out in the fucking wilderness for three days.

01:26:02.000 That wasn't.

01:26:03.000 They listened to like Zeppelin.

01:26:04.000 I mean, it was crazy.

01:26:05.000 Cook eggs on a campfire and shit.

01:26:09.000 That wasn't me.

01:26:09.000 Like, they had 100 hits one time.

01:26:11.000 Four of them took in four days on a camping trip.

01:26:15.000 And they had the pictures.

01:26:16.000 And it was just great, but it wasn't for me.

01:26:17.000 I wasn't ready.

01:26:18.000 But then after my mom died, I'd go into these psychosises.

01:26:22.000 Like, I couldn't figure out why an uncle wouldn't talk to me or something.

01:26:26.000 And that night on the way home, I knew that my uncle and me were always at war when I was a kid.

01:26:30.000 I'm just making an example.

01:26:31.000 There was just a problem.

01:26:32.000 Maybe a girl didn't like me or, you know, what killed my mother.

01:26:36.000 I always had a dilemma in my head.

01:26:37.000 When you're 16, you always want to know answers.

01:26:39.000 And I remember that I would take a hit of acid and go home and, you know, fucking come tripping like by one.

01:26:45.000 I'd be a junior in high school or sophomore.

01:26:48.000 But I knew that if I tripped by myself, that's when I got the full effect.

01:26:52.000 And I would go home and take a fucking hit of window pane or four-way acid, and I'd get speakers and I'd listen to like black sabotage or master reality, which just blows you out of the fucking water. 0.98

01:27:04.000 And I would, and at the end of the night, whatever problem I had, whatever inner problem I was thinking about that was really eating away at me, it'd be gone or solved.

01:27:14.000 Or at least soothed over, right?

01:27:15.000 It was soothed over.

01:27:16.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:27:17.000 At least now I knew where I stood.

01:27:18.000 Don't you think that's why so many problem kids, so many troubled kids have this deep, deep connection to music?

01:27:24.000 You know, I mean, how many kids you see that are just all fucked up and they got long, crazy, greasy hair, but they got a shirt on of their favorite band and they're headed to that concert and their fucking life depends on this show being good.

01:27:37.000 You know what I mean?

01:27:38.000 I mean, you're talking about like some really fucking dark and depressed people, but they love their music, man.

01:27:44.000 Very funny.

01:27:45.000 When we were in Philadelphia, a kid I had met at the bitter end came up to me.

01:27:49.000 What's the bitter end?

01:27:50.000 The bitter end is a rock club.

01:27:51.000 I did a rock club the weekend.

01:27:52.000 Oh, you did that in New York, right?

01:27:53.000 And he came to me and he brought me a joint.

01:27:56.000 And he brought me a joint.

01:27:58.000 He was very nice.

01:27:58.000 And then in Philly, he came with his other friend.

01:28:00.000 He drove from New York City.

01:28:01.000 They go like to NYU.

01:28:03.000 And he came up to me and he said to me, hey, man, I'm thinking of doing mushrooms.

01:28:06.000 What should I do?

01:28:07.000 And I wanted to fucking reach over and smack him.

01:28:10.000 You know, in my mind, I'm like, you're that lost that you want to ask me what the fuck to do.

01:28:14.000 Well, if he's a young man.

01:28:15.000 No, hold on.

01:28:16.000 This is more of the story.

01:28:17.000 I was 19, 20.

01:28:18.000 So I fucking talked about it, and then I emailed him.

01:28:21.000 We emailed each other.

01:28:23.000 And I really thought about it, his age and stuff.

01:28:25.000 And then I thought about when I was 16.

01:28:27.000 And I had no answers.

01:28:29.000 I had no answers.

01:28:30.000 I had no mother, no father, no Social Security check.

01:28:33.000 And all I wanted was answers.

01:28:34.000 All I wanted was help.

01:28:36.000 And I remember that all I would get my help was was from listening to Black Sabbath, doing a hit of acid, listening to music.

01:28:42.000 It always sued me.

01:28:43.000 I always thought I had a connection with Ozzy Osborne.

01:28:45.000 I was watching the 30 years after the Blizzard of Oz.

01:28:49.000 It was on VH1 yesterday.

01:28:50.000 Tremendous about how he left Sabbath and opened up this band with this Randy Rhodes and those songs.

01:28:56.000 They were dumb fucking songs.

01:28:56.000 But you know what?

01:28:58.000 Who gives a fuck?

01:28:59.000 Some of them.

01:28:59.000 But they made me go through at that period of my life.

01:29:03.000 So what difference is it making?

01:29:04.000 When people watch this podcast or they listen to this podcast, you know what, man?

01:29:09.000 We fill the same void for some people.

01:29:11.000 And I'm telling you this.

01:29:12.000 I didn't know this.

01:29:13.000 I didn't know how responsible you are when you do this.

01:29:15.000 When you talk and you say certain things about your feelings and your emotions, people jump onto you because they feel your pain or their admiration or their happiness.

01:29:23.000 And all of a sudden, you become a part of them and they become a part of you, man.

01:29:26.000 Because that's what happened to me.

01:29:27.000 As stupid as this may sound, you know it.

01:29:29.000 You had martial arts, your escape when you were a kid.

01:29:32.000 We all have to have some fucking escape when you're a kid, especially when you don't come from the fucking brainy bunch.

01:29:37.000 I think that one of the things that helps people with this podcast too, and I get a lot of emails and Twitters about it, is, you know, there's a lot of people that don't have anybody cool to hang out with.

01:29:47.000 There you go.

01:29:48.000 And they're stuck.

01:29:48.000 They're stuck wherever the fuck they are.

01:29:50.000 And they need to know that there's people out there like this.

01:29:52.000 They need to know that they don't have to think the way that everybody else is thinking.

01:29:55.000 You can think positive, man.

01:29:56.000 You can be cool to people.

01:29:58.000 You can get the fuck out.

01:29:59.000 You know, don't blame the world.

01:30:01.000 Just get out.

01:30:03.000 I was leaving Jersey.

01:30:04.000 I knew when I was 16 I was leaving Jersey drunk broken.

01:30:06.000 I knew that.

01:30:07.000 I knew I had to go.

01:30:08.000 Absolutely.

01:30:09.000 I knew it because it wasn't for me.

01:30:11.000 I didn't want to fuck Shnookie. 1.00

01:30:12.000 I thought there was something in Colorado.

01:30:14.000 I thought the answer, man, I thought there was something.

01:30:16.000 And I didn't know how to get there.

01:30:18.000 Don't even talk to me about Colorado.

01:30:19.000 I still want to.

01:30:20.000 This podcast is one of the things that's keeping me around for real.

01:30:23.000 This podcast, since we came back, that's what started it.

01:30:27.000 I came back from Colorado in November, and Brian and I started this thing in December.

01:30:31.000 Boom.

01:30:31.000 Just like that.

01:30:32.000 I needed something to do.

01:30:33.000 I was sick.

01:30:34.000 I was sick.

01:30:34.000 I was living in the woods on the top of a mountain.

01:30:37.000 And all of a sudden, here I am back in the fucking grind again.

01:30:39.000 I thought I escaped.

01:30:41.000 Shit.

01:30:42.000 Talking about Colorado, I gotta give a shout out to you.

01:30:44.000 That's too close to New Mexico, son.

01:30:46.000 When I first went to Colorado, I had problems.

01:30:48.000 You know, I was 19, 20.

01:30:50.000 I just wanted to live.

01:30:51.000 And I didn't know, but I had a friend who was going Let's all go together.

01:30:58.000 In Colorado Springs.

01:30:59.000 He was my Air Force.

01:30:59.000 Yeah.

01:31:00.000 He was in the Air Force Crow.

01:31:01.000 I didn't actually, well, I trained.

01:31:03.000 I went up there to watch the World Cup, and I got a chance to work out while I was up there.

01:31:08.000 So I technically trained at the Olympic Training Center, but I didn't train with the team.

01:31:12.000 I just was up there.

01:31:14.000 But he was inspirational for me.

01:31:15.000 He had gone to school there and got thrown out.

01:31:18.000 And now he was living in Aspen.

01:31:19.000 And he talked to me.

01:31:20.000 He's like, go out there.

01:31:21.000 They're shoveling snow.

01:31:22.000 And I didn't know.

01:31:22.000 So one day I went out and talked to my stepdad and I see this like distant cousin of mine.

01:31:27.000 He's like from cousins through like marriage.

01:31:29.000 And he's telling me, I'm like, dog, he's like, what are you going to do with your life?

01:31:31.000 I'm thinking of going to Colorado.

01:31:32.000 He's like, Colorado's the place to be.

01:31:34.000 I got a house in Aspen and shit.

01:31:36.000 And I'm like, where the fuck did you get money living in Aspen?

01:31:40.000 You're a Cuban dude who plays Congress in a band.

01:31:42.000 He's like, yeah, dog, I got a house in Aspen next to Nicholson, bitch. 1.00

01:31:46.000 And I'm like, stop it.

01:31:47.000 So I said, I'm going to look your shit up.

01:31:50.000 Dog, don't fuck with me.

01:31:51.000 You know me.

01:31:52.000 Right?

01:31:52.000 I'll show up.

01:31:53.000 Dog, I get to Colorado.

01:31:54.000 I ask around.

01:31:55.000 I go, listen, I got to get up to Aspen to go to this Baroom Bell. 0.94

01:31:58.000 This is pre-cell phones, by the way.

01:32:00.000 This is pre-cell.

01:32:00.000 The idea is this hitchhiking up there.

01:32:02.000 No, no, no.

01:32:02.000 Yeah, this is when you just hit so you can take the bus from Basalt to Aspen.

01:32:05.000 Did you hitch or did you take the bus?

01:32:06.000 In those days, there was a hitching post in Aspen and Basau.

01:32:09.000 Bro, the hitching post, I got more stories about you because there was a hitching post in Aspen.

01:32:13.000 Didn't you get picked up by one of the Eagles?

01:32:15.000 Fuck yeah, Don motherfucking Henley in the house.

01:32:18.000 Damn, I got picked up on the bottom of a snowmass by John Denver on the bottom going up for 4th of July.

01:32:24.000 And we just talked.

01:32:24.000 He picked me up in a brown Jeep.

01:32:26.000 Remember when they had the Eagles on the front?

01:32:28.000 Remember the old school?

01:32:28.000 The Jeeps used to have the Eagles?

01:32:30.000 Yeah, dude.

01:32:30.000 He had an Eagles.

01:32:31.000 No, Colorado's the bomb.

01:32:32.000 Don Henley seems like a cool motherfucker.

01:32:34.000 Dog picked me up in a truck and I kept saying, dog, I fucking know you.

01:32:38.000 And he kept saying, no, you don't.

01:32:40.000 And then he was recommending me for something or something.

01:32:42.000 Like, he was like, I'll tell you where the restaurant is.

01:32:44.000 And he moved shit over and he had a checkbook and I said, Don Henley Construction Company.

01:32:49.000 I go, motherfucker.

01:32:50.000 And his big song was at that time it was the first single album that he put on Dirty Laundry.

01:32:58.000 That's how long ago that was.

01:32:59.000 That was fucking Dirty Laundry, motherfucking day.

01:33:01.000 Holy shit.

01:33:02.000 Did you have to suck his dick? 1.00

01:33:04.000 No, he was very nice.

01:33:06.000 I have never hitchhiked.

01:33:07.000 I could never do that shit, man.

01:33:08.000 This is not hitchhiking.

01:33:09.000 It's terrifying.

01:33:10.000 Listen, this is Aspen, Colorado, guys.

01:33:14.000 Circa, 1983.

01:33:16.000 They didn't even have cable television then.

01:33:18.000 There was nothing but white people. 0.92

01:33:19.000 Cable television.

01:33:20.000 The leader up there at the time, they had a one-channel, channel two, and all they did was play Charles Bronson movies because he lived up there.

01:33:26.000 They would play Mr. Majestic and something else to the end.

01:33:29.000 I loved it.

01:33:30.000 And it was just so.

01:33:31.000 I was telling you about this dude, Tweety.

01:33:33.000 His name was Tweety while I was growing up.

01:33:35.000 And he's like, dog, look me up when you go out there.

01:33:37.000 I get to Basal, boom, I get a ride up to fucking Maroon Bells.

01:33:42.000 When I'm in Maroon Bells, I walk, I walk, I walk.

01:33:44.000 It's fucking far.

01:33:46.000 I get to his house.

01:33:47.000 He's got a gorgeous house.

01:33:49.000 There's a fucking Mercedes in the driveway.

01:33:51.000 I ring the bell.

01:33:52.000 Is Tweety here?

01:33:53.000 Who?

01:33:54.000 Tweety.

01:33:54.000 Oh, you're talking about Robert.

01:33:55.000 Hold on.

01:33:56.000 Robert comes out with a robe.

01:33:57.000 He invites me in.

01:33:58.000 He's like, come on.

01:33:59.000 Where's he getting all this money?

01:34:00.000 Listen, I don't ask no questions.

01:34:03.000 You know what I mean?

01:34:04.000 In those days, I didn't ask no questions.

01:34:06.000 I had gone to his wedding when he married into my distant type of Cuban family.

01:34:11.000 So he has this house.

01:34:13.000 So we're there, and all of a sudden, I would go up there like once a weekend and party with him.

01:34:16.000 I party, but like cook, and we talk about Cuban shit. 1.00

01:34:20.000 And one day he's like, come here for a second.

01:34:22.000 Look who's sunbathing down there. 0.96

01:34:22.000 Look down there. 0.96

01:34:24.000 Sure enough, bitch, it was Jack Nicholson with three little fucking blonde hoes. 1.00

01:34:27.000 I was a kid from New York City.

01:34:29.000 I'm like, in Aspen?

01:34:30.000 In Aspen.

01:34:31.000 This is Maroon Bells.

01:34:32.000 This is one of the prettiest spots in the world.

01:34:35.000 They say Maroon Bells, Colorado.

01:34:37.000 It's just fucking glorious.

01:34:39.000 Jack Nicholson must have killed it before TMZ.

01:34:42.000 This is 80 fucking three.

01:34:44.000 He still had hair.

01:34:46.000 Pre-Batman and shit.

01:34:48.000 Stop it.

01:34:49.000 Is this pre-Batman?

01:34:52.000 Is this pre-the fucking yeah, but not Batman.

01:34:55.000 Where's the crazy movie in Colorado?

01:34:58.000 He had done those or what movie?

01:34:59.000 What the fuck is it called?

01:35:00.000 Flow of the Cuckoo's News?

01:35:01.000 No, no, the one, the horror movie, the Stephen King movie.

01:35:04.000 The Shiny.

01:35:04.000 Oh, the Shiny.

01:35:05.000 Is it pre-designing?

01:35:07.000 Coast.

01:35:09.000 This is why he fell in love with Colorado.

01:35:10.000 Once you go up to those mountains and they pay you up there, you're like, I can live here.

01:35:14.000 And I kept visiting him, and he would say to me, dog, meet me up at Galena Street.

01:35:14.000 So fuck.

01:35:18.000 Galena Street's the biggest street in Aspen.

01:35:20.000 I go up there.

01:35:20.000 He had a store named Far East Treasures.

01:35:23.000 They had one carpet in there.

01:35:26.000 I swear to God, every time I go up there, they had one fucking carpet in there.

01:35:29.000 Oh, my God.

01:35:30.000 One fucking carpet in there.

01:35:32.000 So, to make a long story short, he would come and pick me up in Basalt.

01:35:35.000 We were like distant cousins.

01:35:37.000 We became friends.

01:35:37.000 I introduced him to my friends and shit.

01:35:39.000 So one day we're on fucking, I'm living in Snowmass now.

01:35:43.000 This is like four months later, and I hadn't seen Tweedy in like two months.

01:35:47.000 And all of a sudden, my buddy got a call.

01:35:48.000 And they're like, dog, dog, put on CS, whatever, too.

01:35:52.000 They had two channels done in Aspen.

01:35:54.000 I think, I don't want to insult you, dog, but there's been some problems, and you got to see.

01:35:58.000 I think this is the dude that says he's your cousin.

01:36:00.000 I'm like, what are you talking about?

01:36:01.000 That dude that lives in Maroon Bells.

01:36:03.000 You got to see this shit.

01:36:04.000 So all of a sudden, I put on the fucking TV and they go, back to what happened today in Aspen, Colorado.

01:36:09.000 A DEA agent caught with a guy in the air.

01:36:12.000 And they show this airplane and they show a DEA plane behind them.

01:36:16.000 And they show bales of cocaine going, getting thrown out the fucking guy.

01:36:22.000 And they show this guy.

01:36:23.000 And I'm like, fucking Tweety.

01:36:26.000 So Tweety was a DEA agent?

01:36:27.000 No, Tweety was a dealer.

01:36:29.000 The DEA agent was chasing him on the plane.

01:36:32.000 He's on the fucking plane waving and shit, throwing up gang singles, throwing kilos out of the fucking plane.

01:36:37.000 I see this.

01:36:38.000 My head's about to explode.

01:36:38.000 I can't.

01:36:40.000 I call my stepfather.

01:36:41.000 He's like, you didn't fucking know that.

01:36:42.000 He's big time.

01:36:43.000 I'm like, come on.

01:36:44.000 And I'm like, bro, he lives next to Nicholson.

01:36:47.000 He must be doing something.

01:36:48.000 So I go home.

01:36:49.000 I never seen Tweety again.

01:36:50.000 Thursday night, I go to Flappers with my boy.

01:36:52.000 I talked about it on stage.

01:36:54.000 These two guys come up to me.

01:36:54.000 I'm outside.

01:36:55.000 You want to smoke a bone?

01:36:56.000 Let's go.

01:36:57.000 We walked across the street, started smoking a bone.

01:36:59.000 They're like, dog, you must know our uncle Tweety.

01:37:01.000 I grew up with Tweedy.

01:37:02.000 He's like, dog, Tweety always, whatever, says if we knew you, I go, dog, Tweety's out of jail.

01:37:08.000 They go, he just got.

01:37:09.000 He's 17 fucking years.

01:37:11.000 17 years for trafficking.

01:37:15.000 Wow.

01:37:16.000 Did they get all his money?

01:37:17.000 Oh, he's working at a supermarket.

01:37:19.000 It's a tragic, you know, it's the American dream, dog.

01:37:21.000 Wow.

01:37:22.000 From gangster to bagger.

01:37:25.000 Someone needs to find that dude and get a fucking Martin Scorsese script written.

01:37:28.000 And when you're fucking.

01:37:29.000 You know what I'm saying?

01:37:30.000 But they played that video.

01:37:32.000 It became, in those days, there was no webpage.

01:37:35.000 It became a viral television thing.

01:37:38.000 Like, the war on drugs continues today.

01:37:40.000 Look at this video from Aspen Crowds.

01:37:42.000 So he was throwing it out of the plane.

01:37:44.000 He was thrown out of the fucking plane.

01:37:46.000 They're being chased.

01:37:46.000 And they were being chased.

01:37:47.000 Wow.

01:37:48.000 That's a complete different level of drug dealer.

01:37:51.000 There was a lot of those guys.

01:37:53.000 There's a lot of those guys that made it very, very high up.

01:37:55.000 And they always maintain these celebrity connections.

01:37:59.000 They always maintain these weird, weird network of movie star friends.

01:38:03.000 And I mean, that's always the case.

01:38:06.000 In Cocaine Cowboys, didn't they talk about that in Cocaine Cowboys?

01:38:10.000 No, it was a different one.

01:38:10.000 Was it?

01:38:11.000 It was another documentary where they talk about how these drug dealers love to be around celebrities.

01:38:16.000 And, you know, it kind of makes them feel like they're legit.

01:38:19.000 They can be around Jack Nicholson, man.

01:38:21.000 If you're around Jack Nicholson, maybe it was.

01:38:24.000 With the black dudes from Atlanta. 1.00

01:38:26.000 Yeah.

01:38:26.000 Not only they were just paying for celebrities to come hang out with them.

01:38:29.000 Really?

01:38:30.000 They were just calling up your agents.

01:38:31.000 How much for Joe Rogan to come to this motherfucking small hanging with us?

01:38:35.000 Tell him $50,000.

01:38:36.000 We'll give him $75,000.

01:38:37.000 Get his ass here Friday night.

01:38:38.000 Do you do, you ever do like corporate gigs where some corporation asks you to show up and do stand-up?

01:38:43.000 Really?

01:38:44.000 I do one a year and I bombing.

01:38:46.000 Yeah, that's the problem.

01:38:47.000 They're all death.

01:38:48.000 John Heffron does a lot of them.

01:38:50.000 He tends to like him.

01:38:50.000 He always gets a lot of fun.

01:38:51.000 He's a killer.

01:38:52.000 He's a killer for that stuff, though.

01:38:53.000 His act is perfect.

01:38:54.000 His act is hilarious, but squeaky clean.

01:38:57.000 You know, John Heffron is the perfect guy for any corporate thing.

01:39:00.000 Heffron came up with a new idea.

01:39:02.000 You know, I don't know if we should, I can't say it because it'd be giving up his idea.

01:39:07.000 But he's going to teach comedy to people to help their businesses.

01:39:12.000 He's going to help them.

01:39:13.000 I don't want to say anymore because it's his idea.

01:39:16.000 One of those weird things happened the other day.

01:39:18.000 We had a guy named Carlos on one of our Death Squad shows the other day.

01:39:22.000 What's his name?

01:39:23.000 His name is Carlos Herena.

01:39:26.000 I'm saying his last name wrong.

01:39:27.000 Haria. 0.75

01:39:28.000 Carlos.

01:39:29.000 H-E-R-R-E-R-A. 1.00

01:39:29.000 I can't spell it. 1.00

01:39:33.000 Carlos Herreria?

01:39:34.000 Herrera.

01:39:35.000 I can never say his last name.

01:39:36.000 Anyways, we Yeah, well, what we did is we had a show where we had all these people do Salvia.

01:39:44.000 Ari Shafir did Salvia.

01:39:45.000 We have them on tomorrow, but so we'll talk about how to do it.

01:39:49.000 And then we had a couple other people that never did Salvia.

01:39:51.000 One person was Allison.

01:39:52.000 We had her on the podcast a while back, Allison Shula.

01:39:56.000 And out of nowhere, I haven't talked to her in months.

01:39:58.000 I just thought, hey, I'm going to call Allison up. 0.92

01:40:00.000 So she comes over and we have Carlos on.

01:40:02.000 And the reason why we had Carlos on is because he was one of the guys responsible making this thing called The Mostly Normal Show presents the outing of a joke thief.

01:40:12.000 See, what happened is there's this guy that we had talked about named Mitch.

01:40:15.000 Mitch Malini.

01:40:16.000 Mitch Malini.

01:40:17.000 He was a really nice guy who died a few years back.

01:40:19.000 Right.

01:40:20.000 So he died, and this guy has taken his act joke by joke.

01:40:26.000 And it wasn't even like he just took the joke out of it.

01:40:29.000 He actually watched a video of it and memorized how the guy did it.

01:40:34.000 Like almost like an actor.

01:40:36.000 It's so creepy to watch.

01:40:37.000 So these guys, they kind of...

01:40:41.000 I would rather not play this on the show.

01:40:42.000 Oh, no, we won't play it.

01:40:43.000 The people can check it out, but this is how crazy this is.

01:40:46.000 I mean, the video is identical from the two people.

01:40:50.000 Like, it's crazy.

01:40:50.000 For sure.

01:40:51.000 But the weird thing is, remember when Allison was on and we had talked about being an open mic comic and how a lot of these guys are doing these tricks.

01:40:59.000 And one of the things that Allison was talking about is how this guy wanted her to pay $100 in order to do five minutes in the belly room.

01:41:07.000 And she was going to do that because she thought that's what you had to do to be an open mic comic.

01:41:11.000 $100?

01:41:12.000 Yes.

01:41:12.000 This guy was scamming her.

01:41:14.000 Found out that during that episode of the Salvia video, found out this is the same guy, the joke thief guy, that was scamming her out of money and other open comics out of money.

01:41:23.000 She's lucky.

01:41:24.000 She paid $100.

01:41:25.000 I had girls sucking my dick and giving me Coke from Chewy. 1.00

01:41:27.000 You think I'm fucking kidding you?

01:41:29.000 Fuck, yeah, you gotta suck my dick to get up in the belly room. 1.00

01:41:31.000 I'm gonna make a call for you.

01:41:32.000 That's the fucking gateway into coming to Hollywood.

01:41:35.000 Everybody knows that.

01:41:35.000 How many girls did you have to do that?

01:41:36.000 Oh, 20 of them.

01:41:38.000 I had this little blind, open-miced chick dog that used to come up to the comedy store with a 20 and just take me up to the belly room and suck my dick, then go do her set. 1.00

01:41:46.000 She was tremendous.

01:41:47.000 Wow.

01:41:47.000 She finally freaked out.

01:41:48.000 When she got to Hollywood, bro, she was beautiful.

01:41:51.000 And when she left, she had dirty fucking, her nails were dirty. 1.00

01:41:54.000 And then a year later, she wrote me a letter to the comedy store.

01:41:57.000 You cock supper, you broke me. 1.00

01:42:00.000 I kept shooting sperm balls in her fucking earbar. 1.00

01:42:04.000 Every time she went down, barrier, palapinga.

01:42:07.000 It ain't broken until somebody fixes it.

01:42:09.000 What is that picture you're showing me?

01:42:10.000 This is the picture of the guy that stole the comics, and he, look what he's reading.

01:42:14.000 He's reading The Idiot's Guide to Comedy Writing?

01:42:16.000 Listen, man, that dude's living in his own hell.

01:42:16.000 Yep.

01:42:19.000 There's no need to out that guy.

01:42:21.000 It's obviously all out there.

01:42:24.000 Fuck him.

01:42:24.000 Yeah.

01:42:25.000 But check it out.

01:42:26.000 It's a really shocking video, Joe.

01:42:27.000 You would actually like, I didn't really want to watch it, but I didn't.

01:42:29.000 I didn't want to watch it because Mitch was a friend of mine.

01:42:31.000 He was a nice guy.

01:42:32.000 I got to go to the store on the joke with this.

01:42:33.000 This poor fuck, what this guy is, is just some guy who thinks he can slither into this world.

01:42:38.000 You know, it's like we were talking about earlier.

01:42:40.000 There's comics, and there's people who think they could figure out a way to be a comic.

01:42:44.000 You know, look, we all wannabes.

01:42:46.000 We're all wannabes in the beginning.

01:42:48.000 But eventually, you either embrace the art form or you don't.

01:42:52.000 Everybody in the beginning is a fraud.

01:42:53.000 Everyone in the beginning is pretending.

01:42:55.000 You're make-believing you're a comedian.

01:42:57.000 And some people think that this is the way to do it.

01:42:58.000 This guy's an idiot. 0.57

01:42:59.000 He's probably been, you hear about the $100 thing.

01:43:01.000 He's probably been running his whole life like that.

01:43:03.000 Just one scam after the next.

01:43:05.000 I would never ask for $100.

01:43:06.000 A blowjob is legit. 0.63

01:43:08.000 That's known.

01:43:09.000 You know what I'm saying?

01:43:10.000 That's known.

01:43:11.000 A blowjob.

01:43:11.000 $100 is bad.

01:43:12.000 And right when you shoot it, I am become death.

01:43:15.000 If you believe by sucking a dick, you're going to get on stage.

01:43:18.000 Shame on you.

01:43:19.000 But sometimes, if they buy it, I got to take the fucking risk.

01:43:22.000 Listen, they did get on stage.

01:43:24.000 What are you saying?

01:43:25.000 If you believe, that's how you got them on stage.

01:43:27.000 They sucked your dick. 0.99

01:43:28.000 You did put them on stage.

01:43:29.000 So why wouldn't they believe it?

01:43:31.000 I'll never forget that blonde girl. 1.00

01:43:33.000 The first time I told her, dog, I was like, she came up on a Friday night.

01:43:36.000 She's like, Joey, I know you know people.

01:43:39.000 And I looked her straight to the face as a joke.

01:43:42.000 And I go, dog, you're going to have to suck.

01:43:44.000 No, I said to her, I didn't even say suck dick, to be honest.

01:43:46.000 I said, I get you on stage.

01:43:47.000 We have to work.

01:43:48.000 And she goes, what do you mean?

01:43:50.000 And I go, we're going to put you to work.

01:43:52.000 You have to do something.

01:43:53.000 You got to do something.

01:43:53.000 You know what I'm saying?

01:43:54.000 And right away, they know.

01:43:55.000 They know there's a fucking cost at the gate.

01:43:58.000 They even look at you like with those puppets.

01:44:00.000 And she even looked at me and goes, I'm not really good at it.

01:44:02.000 You have to teach me.

01:44:03.000 She fell herself for it.

01:44:05.000 They go for themselves.

01:44:06.000 They know.

01:44:06.000 They're told that that's comedy 101.

01:44:09.000 But everybody suffers.

01:44:11.000 But doesn't it make it even better when a girl says that? 1.00

01:44:13.000 You're going to have to teach me.

01:44:14.000 Yeah, it was hysterical.

01:44:15.000 Oh, goddamn.

01:44:16.000 We're just willing to learn.

01:44:17.000 Chewy gave us 720s for 100.

01:44:19.000 Went back to her house and I taught her at the house.

01:44:20.000 We had a great time.

01:44:21.000 Remember, she had a period, but I went to eat her asshole tissue paper. 1.00

01:44:24.000 Oh, my God.

01:44:28.000 Oh, no.

01:44:29.000 And I just said, keep sucking my dick. 0.97

01:44:31.000 I can't handle that muffler.

01:44:32.000 It was like five in the morning.

01:44:34.000 And at that point, I'm getting all fucked up, you are.

01:44:36.000 You know, I wouldn't eat your little pussy if you had a period, but I'll lick your asshole just for entertainment. 1.00

01:44:41.000 So I go whack off on your neck or something. 0.64

01:44:43.000 You know what I'm saying?

01:44:45.000 So...

01:44:49.000 I go to look at a little muffler just to see if we can get the party started.

01:44:52.000 And she had like a little crumble.

01:44:54.000 Like it was just not even like a strip, but it was like a little crumble.

01:44:58.000 A dingleberry.

01:44:59.000 Like not even, it wasn't a dingleberry.

01:45:00.000 It's like somebody shot a spitball in their asshole.

01:45:05.000 But missed.

01:45:06.000 And it was just dangling there.

01:45:08.000 It just killed me, dog.

01:45:09.000 I was like, I can't even eat her ass. 1.00

01:45:11.000 She got to suck my dick the whole night. 1.00

01:45:12.000 And I had a man to work with Paul Rajigas the next day.

01:45:15.000 And Mark Babbitt picked me up like at 8 in the morning.

01:45:17.000 How you doing, man?

01:45:18.000 Did you get a good night's sleep?

01:45:19.000 Oh, yeah, sure.

01:45:20.000 Fuck, I had to get a cock sucker. 1.00

01:45:22.000 I'm going to get my stick sucked and my balls licked. 1.00

01:45:26.000 That's Comedy Store 101 in the old days, Joe Roger.

01:45:29.000 Oh, my God.

01:45:30.000 A bunch of shit happened since we stopped doing the podcast in the last two weeks.

01:45:34.000 One of them is the Arnold Schwarzenegger thing.

01:45:37.000 God damn, is this one of the craziest fucking stories ever?

01:45:41.000 Arnold Schwarzenegger, apparently, was not just fucking this lady, this housekeeper.

01:45:46.000 But he tried to fuck her mom. 1.00

01:45:46.000 Oh, what did he do? 1.00

01:45:48.000 What?

01:45:49.000 Yeah, he groped her mom and he groped her sister.

01:45:52.000 They all worked for him.

01:45:53.000 And those bitches were like, get out of here. 1.00

01:45:55.000 And then he groped that one lady and she's like, oh, come on, give me some of that Conan dick. 1.00

01:46:00.000 That's crazy.

01:46:01.000 Jesus.

01:46:01.000 Was the mom potter?

01:46:03.000 Because it had to be.

01:46:04.000 They were all going to come out of the house.

01:46:06.000 I don't think it matters.

01:46:07.000 I think he's one of those dudes.

01:46:08.000 And, you know, Ryan Parsons said it best.

01:46:10.000 I was hanging out doing the movie with Ryan, who's one of the best coaches in MMA.

01:46:16.000 And he's Mayhem Miller's coach.

01:46:18.000 And he's a smart dude.

01:46:20.000 He breaks things down.

01:46:21.000 And we were talking about Arnold.

01:46:22.000 And he goes, you know what, man?

01:46:23.000 He goes, I'm not surprised at all.

01:46:25.000 He goes, he was a professional bodybuilder.

01:46:27.000 And I was like, you're right.

01:46:28.000 Like, don't a lot of those guys do a lot of gay shit because they need money. 0.68

01:46:32.000 And apparently gay dudes will pay bodybuilders ridiculous. 1.00

01:46:35.000 He goes like, oh, yeah.

01:46:36.000 He goes, especially back in the 70s, he goes, they were all sucking rich guys, conscious college.

01:46:41.000 I was talking about Arnold.

01:46:42.000 Remember?

01:46:43.000 He said, I used to dress up in a Batman suit and go to fucking rich white parties and shit with a little mask on.

01:46:47.000 I don't think he would even have a problem.

01:46:49.000 You know, he was so weird.

01:46:52.000 You know, like, remember when he did pumping iron?

01:46:54.000 And he started, man, I'm always coming.

01:46:56.000 Every time I have a pump, a pump is like coming.

01:46:59.000 So I'm always pumped.

01:47:00.000 I'm always coming.

01:47:01.000 I'm coming all the time.

01:47:03.000 Like, just the fact that he would think that it's cool to just like talk about just shooting loads all the time.

01:47:06.000 In 1978 or whatever the fuck it was, he's doing this documentary about bodybuilding.

01:47:11.000 And here's this dude with a little fucking banana hammock on talking about calming.

01:47:14.000 I'm coming all the time.

01:47:16.000 Don't tweet.

01:47:16.000 Like, he's weird, man.

01:47:19.000 He's a freak.

01:47:20.000 He's a freak.

01:47:21.000 And then Jane Seymour comes out and says that he's apparently got a bunch of little love children.

01:47:25.000 A bunch of them.

01:47:26.000 I guarantee he's got about eight of them.

01:47:27.000 He's just a savage.

01:47:28.000 He's just shooting those barbarian loads into women. 1.00

01:47:31.000 That D-ball from the 70s. 0.66

01:47:34.000 That shit makes them Germans go crazy. 1.00

01:47:35.000 That's what killed Hitler. 0.92

01:47:36.000 That's what made Hitler go fucking bananas. 0.90

01:47:39.000 That D-ball. 0.91

01:47:40.000 That D-ball. 0.91

01:47:40.000 What's that other shit from the 70s that used to just swell your shit up? 0.91

01:47:43.000 See, now they got refined steroids that don't make you a fucking savage.

01:47:47.000 Well, Arnold was legendary for doing everything.

01:47:49.000 Everything.

01:47:50.000 Everything.

01:47:50.000 They always talk about how whatever anybody was doing, Arnold was taking shit to the next level.

01:47:55.000 D-ball, fucking. 1.00

01:47:57.000 He even shot fucking Lance Armstrong and shit, that motherfucker.

01:48:00.000 You seen it.

01:48:02.000 He had Lance Armstrong suck his shit.

01:48:04.000 Lance, you're doing it all wrong.

01:48:06.000 You don't need nuts and berries.

01:48:08.000 You don't need this.

01:48:10.000 I've never heard a nice thing about Lance Armstrong.

01:48:12.000 And when I seen that thing on 60 Minutes, all I kept thinking about was it couldn't happen to a fucking nicer guy.

01:48:18.000 Well, I'll tell you what, in Austin, when we go to Austin, we never hear nothing but shitty things about him.

01:48:22.000 I've heard nothing.

01:48:22.000 Yeah, I couldn't.

01:48:23.000 That's weird, man.

01:48:24.000 He did something in L.A. He did something to somebody I know in L.A. Something shitty at a restaurant, something happened.

01:48:28.000 You talk to the wrong people, you can get shitty stories about the nicest people.

01:48:32.000 I bet somewhere out there, Henry Winkler, there's some asshole with a shitty Henry Winkler story.

01:48:36.000 It's just if you deal with sheer numbers.

01:48:38.000 But, you know, if you deal like most people you talk to and they say, oh, I met Randy Couture.

01:48:43.000 Oh, he's such a nice guy, isn't he?

01:48:44.000 Like, most people will tell you that.

01:48:45.000 But a few, every now and then you get some one dude that was probably annoying as fuck and came up to Randy and tried to get him in a short time.

01:48:50.000 You would inside my picture at the restaurant.

01:48:53.000 You interrupted him while he's eating dinner or something or whatever the fuck it was.

01:48:56.000 And so then you'll get a shitty Randy Couture story.

01:48:58.000 But I never heard a good Lance Armstrong story.

01:49:01.000 Every time we were in Austin, we were all hearing it from waiters and waitresses and people that know people that ran into him.

01:49:08.000 It was never good.

01:49:10.000 You know, to be that dude, to be a one dude who pretends that he's the one who wasn't doing shit when everyone else is doing it.

01:49:18.000 I love that shit.

01:49:18.000 I love when they get nailed, dog.

01:49:20.000 Have some fucking dignity.

01:49:21.000 Be a fucking man.

01:49:22.000 Now he don't know.

01:49:23.000 He wants to stand behind the paperwork.

01:49:25.000 Yes and no, because there's a big business behind all this shit.

01:49:28.000 Oh, sure, shit.

01:49:29.000 There was a lot of people that knew he was doing things.

01:49:31.000 One of the things in the 60 Minutes documentary about it, the 60 Minutes coverage of it, they say that he tested positive for EPO at one point in time.

01:49:39.000 And then after he tested positive, he donated money to this blood scanning foundation that busts people for fucking testing positive for shit.

01:49:48.000 He donated like 25 grand, and then he donated another 100 grand in the future.

01:49:53.000 But I mean, that's a payoff, man.

01:49:54.000 That's like a direct if this guy was really doing EPO and all the other dudes, they're busting them left and right.

01:50:01.000 They all have to come clean and they have to tell only the truth because if they get caught with anything, then their immunity goes out the window.

01:50:07.000 So they give them a limited amount of immunity.

01:50:09.000 They tell them, we want to know every fucking thing that happened.

01:50:12.000 And if you lie about one thing, you're going to jail.

01:50:15.000 Your immunity's gone.

01:50:16.000 You're going to jail for everything you've already admitted to.

01:50:18.000 So that's 25 fucking years.

01:50:19.000 You believe that shit doing steroids.

01:50:22.000 I'm sorry, because I made a joke and I got 25 emails from people.

01:50:26.000 Hey, fat ass, he wasn't doing steroids.

01:50:29.000 He was doing tests Or whatever.

01:50:30.000 You know what, bitch? 1.00

01:50:31.000 He was still cheap.

01:50:32.000 That's like me telling you I wasn't doing heroin, I was doing Coke.

01:50:35.000 It's the same fucking difference.

01:50:37.000 I think they all do it, though.

01:50:38.000 I think in that sport, I think in that sport, they have to.

01:50:41.000 I don't think, you know.

01:50:43.000 Do they test you?

01:50:43.000 And you're not supposed to do it, right?

01:50:45.000 And they blood dope as well.

01:50:45.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:50:47.000 Instead of taking just the EPO, they blood dope.

01:50:50.000 And that's a fact.

01:50:52.000 I mean, they've been doing that.

01:50:53.000 You can't catch people.

01:50:55.000 We have a right and a wrong sometimes in life, and sometimes for fucking riding the bike, you got to do this shit.

01:51:00.000 This guy's head somewhere.

01:51:02.000 You know, I don't think they should arrest Barry Bonds now after he retired two years ago now and break his balls.

01:51:08.000 And what did they get Barry Bonds on?

01:51:08.000 It's over.

01:51:10.000 They got him on some real minor shit, like lying, right?

01:51:12.000 What are we talking about?

01:51:13.000 You're talking about they'll hang with you with something.

01:51:15.000 If they want to get you, they'll find something.

01:51:16.000 Yeah, they get you on perjury, right?

01:51:19.000 Even if you lie, who's going to tell me the truth?

01:51:21.000 Can I talk to you in the other room?

01:51:22.000 Listen, I got 19 fucking sponsorships, all right?

01:51:25.000 One of them is a Catholic church.

01:51:26.000 You want it, oh, a Christian church, and the other one's Gatorade. 1.00

01:51:29.000 You want to ask me if I do steroids on a fucking camera.

01:51:31.000 What do you want me to tell you?

01:51:32.000 What do you want me to tell you?

01:51:33.000 I got millions of fucking stake here.

01:51:35.000 What do you want me to tell you?

01:51:35.000 It's not perjury.

01:51:36.000 We did it.

01:51:37.000 You don't want me in the Hall of Fame?

01:51:38.000 Go fuck yourself.

01:51:40.000 I got a pension and I got money coming.

01:51:41.000 But you're going to waste taxpayers' money to take Barry Bonds to court.

01:51:46.000 Who did he hurt?

01:51:48.000 It is interesting, though.

01:51:50.000 You got to think that if these guys are doing shit that's dangerous for their body, and you know, it is kind of dangerous, especially the guys that go deep.

01:51:57.000 You go Arnold Schwarzenegger levels, you know, you go to like pro wrestling levels where those giant fucking dudes, that's dangerous as fuck.

01:52:05.000 Like you're, you're, you're really overclocking on your body.

01:52:08.000 How old is Arnold?

01:52:09.000 It's true, 60-something.

01:52:10.000 He's still here.

01:52:10.000 Yeah.

01:52:11.000 True for him being here, but he also open-heart surgery.

01:52:14.000 Right, but there's 10 guys that are gone.

01:52:15.000 It's true.

01:52:16.000 Every time you, listen, anytime you do a bump of cocaine, a mushroom, a fucking five-hour energy, a steroid, you're always going in that area.

01:52:25.000 You're always 50-50.

01:52:26.000 Pushing the body.

01:52:27.000 Anything.

01:52:28.000 You're pushing the body.

01:52:29.000 So 50%.

01:52:31.000 50% is going to do it.

01:52:32.000 How many times?

01:52:32.000 I did Coke for 30 years.

01:52:34.000 The basketball player from Boston didn't line and had a heart attack.

01:52:37.000 We're all different.

01:52:38.000 You say it the best.

01:52:39.000 Some guy, the jaw just has a certain number.

01:52:42.000 The head just has a certain number.

01:52:43.000 It could be five shots to the head that you brain, or it could be 190.

01:52:47.000 Yeah, it depends on if you're Samoan.

01:52:50.000 Well, it depends on anything.

01:52:51.000 We don't know that number, but once you get down, whether it's the steroids or whether it's any of that shit.

01:52:58.000 Yeah, it's true.

01:52:59.000 Yeah, it's all, look, I'm a personal freedom person, but I also think that, man, if a kid wants to be a cyclist, he shouldn't have to take some shit that might give him a stroke.

01:53:08.000 And the only way to win, if you're going to have a bunch of dudes who are on EPO, and EPO can give you strokes.

01:53:13.000 I don't know how many people have died from it, but I assume it's got to be a few.

01:53:17.000 And it is dangerous.

01:53:18.000 I know people that have told me they know people who took it, you know, guys that are professional cyclists, and they detailed how difficult and dangerous it was and how they would have to wake up in the middle of the night and do cardio.

01:53:28.000 They would have to get up and go ride their bike because their heart would be fucking pounding because their blood's too thick because they have all this shit in their body that makes them make an abnormal amount of red blood cells.

01:53:39.000 So on the plus side, you carry all this oxygen, but on the downside, man, if you don't work out all the time, you could die.

01:53:45.000 Like you could have a fucking stroke, man.

01:53:47.000 So these dudes would, he was a cyclist and he was staying on a bus and he said you would hear him at 2-3 in the morning and you would know who was on EPO because those are the guys who would get up and they would and you would hear their bike, you would hear them disconnect their bike and go riding.

01:53:59.000 2-3 in the morning, man.

01:54:00.000 They had to do it.

01:54:01.000 If you don't do it, you're going to die.

01:54:02.000 So on one hand, I believe in personal freedom.

01:54:05.000 Then on the other hand, I go, well, you know, you got to let people know what the fuck you're doing.

01:54:09.000 You can't make it so that only the guys at the top are taking this shit and lying about taking it.

01:54:13.000 That does become a problem.

01:54:15.000 If you say, hey, look, we all take it.

01:54:16.000 Everybody takes it.

01:54:17.000 It's a part of the world of cyclists and it's been there forever.

01:54:21.000 Then you expose light on it and then you got to figure out what, if anything, you can do about it.

01:54:25.000 But it is a dangerous thing.

01:54:27.000 You know, you're telling kids that want to be athletes that they have to do this shit.

01:54:32.000 You know, there's no way around it.

01:54:33.000 Any professional sport today, there's got to be something involved with this sports.

01:54:37.000 Or supreme genetics.

01:54:38.000 Supreme genetics.

01:54:39.000 You can have a guy like John Jones who just has magnificent genetics, and he doesn't need anything.

01:54:44.000 Or, you know, there's other guys that are built like that too, or, you know, or similar.

01:54:48.000 You know, there's a lot of guys who don't need anything.

01:54:50.000 They just have awesome genetics.

01:54:52.000 I don't care what you do as long as you're a professional athlete.

01:54:54.000 I know the stresses of being a professional athlete, especially football.

01:54:58.000 Once you're there, the pressure is amazing.

01:55:00.000 Every year, they're rooking people, even in the UFC now.

01:55:03.000 You watch Rampage the other night, but then you got my man Rick Story and another young kid that are coming into the UFC.

01:55:08.000 They're 20, half away, whatever.

01:55:10.000 You know, people come on every once in a while.

01:55:12.000 But also, kids that come in, that pop, that piss hot, they get rid of them.

01:55:16.000 No, no, no, no.

01:55:17.000 I'm not talking about pissing out on anything.

01:55:18.000 What I'm saying is that it's very tough to not want to stay at your sharpest.

01:55:23.000 But if you do steroids, guess what?

01:55:24.000 You did steroids.

01:55:25.000 There's no way of retracting them.

01:55:27.000 So do me a favor.

01:55:28.000 Figure out a way that when you make that first fucking statement, you can end it instead of dragging it on for fucking 10 years. 0.85

01:55:33.000 Figure out a way.

01:55:34.000 What do you got to say?

01:55:35.000 You got to say nothing.

01:55:36.000 Don't hit me with a story that the guy shot it into your heart because I'm too intelligent for that one.

01:55:40.000 Tell me anything, but don't tell me that.

01:55:42.000 And that's what I'm sick of right now at this point in my life.

01:55:45.000 Tell me something.

01:55:46.000 Don't get depressed.

01:55:46.000 Don't hide.

01:55:47.000 You know what?

01:55:48.000 You got busted.

01:55:49.000 Get the fucking cameras and let's go.

01:55:50.000 Let's go.

01:55:51.000 Diago Silva had some non-human piss. 0.96

01:55:53.000 Oh, please.

01:55:54.000 That motherfucker showed up with piss from Brazil. 1.00

01:55:56.000 Kevin Rannaman was the first guy to do that.

01:55:57.000 Kevin Rannaman had a rubber dick.

01:55:59.000 He used a rubber dick. 0.56

01:56:00.000 Did he, really?

01:56:01.000 Non-human urine.

01:56:02.000 That's hilarious.

01:56:03.000 Has he been?

01:56:04.000 Have you heard anything from him lately?

01:56:05.000 He's kind of retired.

01:56:06.000 But he fought recently, real recently, and lost.

01:56:09.000 I love people who think they're going to beat a urine test.

01:56:11.000 I'm going to go to the bathroom.

01:56:13.000 Kevin Ranaman was awesome in his prime.

01:56:15.000 You know why I love those fucking clowns?

01:56:16.000 Because I was one of them.

01:56:18.000 I always thought I was going to beat the system.

01:56:20.000 Beat the system.

01:56:20.000 I used to drink vinegar.

01:56:22.000 That would be it.

01:56:23.000 So I would snort Coke Friday and Saturday night.

01:56:26.000 Listen to me now.

01:56:27.000 Listen to me.

01:56:28.000 Listen to what addiction does on any level.

01:56:31.000 I used to do an eight ball on Friday, eight ball on Saturday.

01:56:34.000 And then they would have to test me on Monday for federal probation or Wednesday or Friday.

01:56:39.000 I could make the piss test Wednesday, but there's no way I can make the piss test.

01:56:43.000 There's rock candy coming out of his dick.

01:56:45.000 So I would fucking vinegar-flavored rock candy.

01:56:48.000 I would go and get white distilled vinegar with a bottle of Gatorade, and I'd be eating cranberries while I'd be doing this shit.

01:56:55.000 I'd drink the whole thing of vinegar, the whole thing of Gatorade, keep this all day.

01:56:59.000 Where did you learn this?

01:57:00.000 This is the stories on this.

01:57:01.000 This is all the analogies you learn from people in your reading.

01:57:03.000 At that time, there was no internet joke.

01:57:05.000 So then I failed that time.

01:57:08.000 So then I came up with another idea.

01:57:10.000 So how many days had it been you did Coke Friday and something?

01:57:13.000 if you do Coke on a Friday and you have a test on a Monday, you're going down.

01:57:17.000 But if you wait till Wednesday, you're good.

01:57:19.000 It's 72 hours.

01:57:21.000 It's 72 hours and you can't flush it out.

01:57:23.000 I can't flush it out.

01:57:24.000 It's some magnetic fucking correlation.

01:57:26.000 Weed is 30 days, but if you keep your normal level, like if you just hit two hits off a joint and go to a gym, I did it, dog.

01:57:34.000 They won't catch it.

01:57:35.000 There can't be nothing in your system.

01:57:37.000 You can't show up now and then a month.

01:57:39.000 No, no, no.

01:57:40.000 I can go if at that time, all I needed weed was to go to the gym.

01:57:43.000 How do you think Nick Diaz is doing it?

01:57:45.000 Dog, he wrestles every day.

01:57:47.000 You do jiu-jitsu every day.

01:57:48.000 Just sweats out of you.

01:57:49.000 You cannot do 50 bongh hits.

01:57:50.000 You're adding a fat to a story.

01:57:51.000 You cannot do 50 bomb hits, but you can do two bong hits and keep it under the level.

01:57:55.000 I ate a lot of bagels.

01:57:57.000 I do whatever.

01:57:57.000 But hold on about Nick Diaz.

01:57:59.000 That's poppy seeds, though, bagels.

01:57:59.000 Forget about Nick Diaz.

01:58:00.000 Poppy seeds.

01:58:01.000 That's for heroin, bro.

01:58:02.000 That's a different thing.

01:58:02.000 But they're still.

01:58:03.000 You still can take it to coin with those days.

01:58:06.000 But the funny thing was, I figured I'm smarter than these motherfuckers.

01:58:09.000 Forget about drinking.

01:58:10.000 I'm going to take my uncircumcised dick and I'm going to pull the skin back and I'm going to put byproducts in there.

01:58:15.000 Okay?

01:58:17.000 Bye products?

01:58:17.000 Sit down.

01:58:18.000 Sit down, bitch, because you know what about Joey Diaz suit of 1987. 1.00

01:58:23.000 Byproducts.

01:58:24.000 What is he byproducts in?

01:58:25.000 In my mind, I thought it out and I said to myself, what kills piss on contact?

01:58:30.000 You got Clorox, but I can't sneak that into my dick.

01:58:33.000 Clorox.

01:58:34.000 So I said, what's the next best thing to kill piss?

01:58:37.000 So I figured out pool cleaner.

01:58:39.000 Right?

01:58:40.000 So I went to my buddy's house and we had a pool.

01:58:42.000 You know those big things that used to have chlorine?

01:58:45.000 And I grinded that mother. 1.00

01:58:46.000 Chlorine.

01:58:48.000 I grinded that motherfucker. 1.00

01:58:50.000 I grinded that motherfucker like a fucking gram of blow to a powder. 0.99

01:58:53.000 And I took my little skin on my helmet and I pulled my dick back just before I went into probation and I dipped my dick in there.

01:59:00.000 It didn't hurt.

01:59:00.000 And I just poured all the whole fucking thing on my dick.

01:59:05.000 And I pulled the skin over it and I tied like a rubber band at the end of it.

01:59:12.000 This is what addiction makes you do, Brian.

01:59:14.000 I walk into probation.

01:59:17.000 Are you ready to piss Mr. DS?

01:59:19.000 I take that dick out and I pop that skin back and all that volcano dust goes in there and the thing starts breathing on his own.

01:59:27.000 I put the cap on it.

01:59:28.000 The thing is on his desk and you can see it.

01:59:30.000 My fucking you could see it like shaking.

01:59:33.000 I'm like, I gotta get out of there.

01:59:34.000 He's like, oh, great to see you.

01:59:35.000 He put it in.

01:59:36.000 Do you know what, bitch? 1.00

01:59:37.000 I still came back positive.

01:59:38.000 Oh, my God.

01:59:40.000 Now, here's the clinker of the clinker.

01:59:42.000 This is when you know you're fucking crazy.

01:59:44.000 Then the last thing I figured was Drano.

01:59:47.000 What?

01:59:47.000 I'll take Drano.

01:59:49.000 What do you mean you'll drink it?

01:59:50.000 No, can't they detect like Drano in your dick?

01:59:53.000 Listen to me.

01:59:54.000 No, listen to me.

01:59:55.000 The chlorine, the next day didn't hurt.

01:59:56.000 I went right to the halfway house and washed my dick off.

01:59:59.000 But the next day I went to piss and my dick was like one of those piss was coming out of everywhere.

02:00:05.000 I had like four holes in my helmet.

02:00:07.000 Yeah, I had like, it would just broke.

02:00:08.000 It was like a fucking thing.

02:00:10.000 So I came back positive for that one.

02:00:12.000 Little holes that burnt right through my helmet.

02:00:15.000 Oh my God.

02:00:16.000 At this point, fuck it.

02:00:17.000 Bring on the blow, Jack.

02:00:19.000 So I came back positive.

02:00:19.000 Oh, my God.

02:00:20.000 They made me go to a rehab that time.

02:00:23.000 Not a check-in, but one that you give them a grand and you go three to six and you sign papers.

02:00:27.000 And listen, what I got to do with therapy.

02:00:29.000 Here's 20 bucks.

02:00:30.000 I'll be back on that one.

02:00:31.000 They just want their grand up front. 0.88

02:00:31.000 Nobody even talks. 0.88

02:00:33.000 And that's it.

02:00:34.000 That's what a rehab is?

02:00:34.000 You don't even know that.

02:00:36.000 At that time, this was Boulder.

02:00:37.000 This was $1,800.

02:00:38.000 I got a grant from the state.

02:00:40.000 It cost me $400, but it kept me out of jail for that.

02:00:42.000 So you don't have to actually be there?

02:00:43.000 Nah, you just go from three to six at night.

02:00:45.000 You tell me you got a day job.

02:00:46.000 It was tremendous.

02:00:48.000 So this last time, they get me again for blow.

02:00:51.000 I know they're going to fucking sink me.

02:00:52.000 So this time I said, fuck it.

02:00:53.000 I'm going to plan the one I heard.

02:00:55.000 I heard Drano.

02:00:56.000 So I took Drano and I poured it on my dick, dog.

02:00:59.000 Oh, my.

02:01:00.000 And I went down there again.

02:01:02.000 I fucking pissed with the Drano.

02:01:04.000 And this time, dog, the thing was turning red right in front of me.

02:01:07.000 You could see the thing going up and down in the piss.

02:01:10.000 And about four days later, I get a call.

02:01:13.000 Mr. Diaz, can you come down to probation?

02:01:15.000 I thought they were going to handcuff me at probation.

02:01:17.000 I get there and there's a car.

02:01:18.000 There's a probation officer and the chick. 1.00

02:01:20.000 There was a chick that really liked me.

02:01:21.000 She goes, I don't know what you did, but you fucking broke the machine this time. 0.78

02:01:25.000 I really literally broke the testing thing they had.

02:01:29.000 They couldn't even, they didn't know what was in my system.

02:01:31.000 Because you had Drano.

02:01:32.000 Drano. 0.90

02:01:35.000 Tydropper goes, but where was the, you put the Drano on your dick? 0.92

02:01:38.000 On my dis.

02:01:39.000 I'm going.

02:01:40.000 Doesn't it eat right through your dick?

02:01:40.000 How is that possible?

02:01:42.000 Bro, I just had chlorine the day before.

02:01:42.000 I mean, it eats.

02:01:45.000 I just had chlorine the day before.

02:01:46.000 At this point, I didn't give a fuck.

02:01:48.000 I was living like a pimp, bitch. 1.00

02:01:50.000 Yo, you know what?

02:01:51.000 Taking rubber.

02:01:52.000 You know what this is?

02:01:53.000 This is the next day after you had chlorine on your dream?

02:01:55.000 This is about a month later.

02:01:55.000 No, no.

02:01:56.000 It had a heel.

02:01:57.000 I had sores on there.

02:01:58.000 It looked like fucking Beirut.

02:01:59.000 Because you said the day before I got confused.

02:02:01.000 But it was funny that they nailed me.

02:02:01.000 No, no, no, no.

02:02:03.000 They were like, Joey, we know you had Coke, but we can't prove it in court.

02:02:07.000 But how do they know you had Coke then?

02:02:08.000 Because whatever I had in my dick broke the fucking. 0.55

02:02:11.000 But I gotta think Dreeno.

02:02:12.000 You sure it was real Drino?

02:02:14.000 No, no, no.

02:02:14.000 I brought it from the fucking flea market.

02:02:16.000 Yeah, it was real fucking Draino.

02:02:17.000 I think Drino, like, it breaks down like my fucking helmet.

02:02:24.000 His girlfriend unclogged his girlfriend's throat. 1.00

02:02:26.000 I'm gonna say something, dog.

02:02:27.000 My dick was rare for a fucking month and a half.

02:02:29.000 Let's not get away with this shit.

02:02:31.000 My dick was rare.

02:02:32.000 You know, when you pee and it goes on your helmet, it would sting me.

02:02:34.000 Eddie Bravo on a Thursday.

02:02:36.000 That's how bad this sickness was.

02:02:38.000 The saddest moments in your life is when your dick is sore. 0.97

02:02:40.000 There's something wrong with your dick, and you realize, what have I done?

02:02:43.000 What the fuck is wrong with me?

02:02:44.000 Beat off until I got blisters on my dick.

02:02:44.000 Fucking crazy.

02:02:46.000 Act like a sick dog.

02:02:47.000 I've done that like three times in my life.

02:02:49.000 I do it all the time.

02:02:50.000 Fucking, the other day I scraped my nail against my dick and it fucking started bleeding.

02:02:54.000 That's disgusting.

02:02:55.000 It's amazing.

02:02:56.000 What's the latest with Eddie Bravo fighting?

02:03:00.000 It's off?

02:03:00.000 Completely off.

02:03:02.000 The dude wants money.

02:03:03.000 He wants $50,000.

02:03:05.000 He agreed to the fight, but then he said he wants $50,000 and then $25,000 if he wins.

02:03:09.000 So apparently the Sheikh Takhnoon, whoever was putting together one of the Sheikhs over there in Abu Dhabi, was like, eh, you can't do that, dude.

02:03:15.000 You're asking for too much money.

02:03:17.000 But who knows?

02:03:18.000 They might come to some sort of an agreement.

02:03:19.000 I think Hoyler is 45 years old, man.

02:03:22.000 It's tough to get that dude to fight.

02:03:23.000 If he's going to fight, he wants some cash.

02:03:24.000 Why isn't Eddie just then fight the best gracie edits out that would fight him?

02:03:27.000 Because he doesn't really want to fight anybody.

02:03:29.000 He just Was going to fight this dude because this dude is always saying that him beating him was a fluke and that it would never happen again.

02:03:35.000 Lightning doesn't strike twice.

02:03:37.000 And he's like, Oh, okay, really?

02:03:38.000 Well, let's do it again.

02:03:39.000 I'll tell you, the reality is, Eddie's better.

02:03:41.000 I don't know if Heuler's better than he was back then.

02:03:43.000 Heuler's an all-time great, and Hoyer was beating Eddie before he tapped him.

02:03:47.000 But I don't know if Hoyer consistently improves.

02:03:49.000 I don't know if he still has the passion for it.

02:03:51.000 But I know Eddie is a lot better than he was back then.

02:03:54.000 Doesn't mean he would win.

02:03:55.000 Heuler Gracie's a bad motherfucker, dude. 1.00

02:03:57.000 I mean, he won a ton of tournaments.

02:03:58.000 He won Abu Dhabi several times.

02:04:00.000 He's one of the most active members of the Gracie family.

02:04:03.000 Like, he was the guy that was holding it down for the Gracie family in jiu-jitsu tournaments.

02:04:07.000 You know, back when Hickson wasn't competing anymore, and Hickson was always the greatest.

02:04:10.000 Everybody always says that.

02:04:11.000 But Hoyce was doing the UFC for a little bit.

02:04:14.000 But as far as like straight jiu-jitsu fighting the best in the world, Hoyler Gracie was holding it down for years, man.

02:04:20.000 He was the man.

02:04:20.000 He was beating everybody.

02:04:22.000 So, you know, it was a big upset when Eddie tapped him.

02:04:24.000 And, you know, it was embarrassing, I'm sure.

02:04:26.000 And he doesn't like it.

02:04:27.000 And I'm sure he doesn't want to, you know, have a repeat of that for nothing.

02:04:31.000 You know, he wants to get paid.

02:04:32.000 And if he beats him, he wants to, you know, he wants to get motivated to work out to beat him.

02:04:37.000 And for Eddie, Eddie says, look, I'll fight that guy.

02:04:39.000 That's the only guy I want to fight.

02:04:41.000 I want to prove to everybody that it wasn't a fluke.

02:04:42.000 I think Eddie's better, man.

02:04:44.000 He's way better than he was back then.

02:04:45.000 I'm not saying he's better than Hoyler.

02:04:47.000 He's still, like I said, all respect to Hoyler.

02:04:49.000 He's an all-time great.

02:04:50.000 But I know that Eddie's a lot better than he was when he beat him last time.

02:04:52.000 People who go in there, like, just like, I know his students love him, but people who go there for a couple of days will come back with that and say, bro, Eddie's bad to the bone.

02:05:01.000 Yeah, you think that, you know, his guard ain't shit.

02:05:03.000 He's going to wrap you up and fuck you up, dude.

02:05:05.000 Even if you're a lot bigger than him, he'll tell you the whole story about when he went over there in Abu Dhabi when he trained with the guy, but the guy's trainer was a Henzo guy, and he did the whole story.

02:05:14.000 Very interesting.

02:05:15.000 Yeah, it is.

02:05:15.000 And I'm like, yeah, man, I slowed down.

02:05:17.000 Eddie's a bad motherfucker, dog.

02:05:18.000 Eddie's a jiu-jitsu genius.

02:05:20.000 You know, he's just a crazy guy, and people look at him, and he does all this music and all these different things.

02:05:20.000 I've always said this.

02:05:25.000 So they get it twisted.

02:05:26.000 But when it comes to straight jiu-jitsu, it's confusing.

02:05:30.000 He's as technical as they come, man.

02:05:32.000 He's a great fucking instructor.

02:05:34.000 The way he breaks down techniques, he's excellent at it, man.

02:05:37.000 I've been to a lot of UFCs with you, and I've never had a bad time.

02:05:40.000 But one of the funniest things besides tripping at the UFC was the weigh-in with Eddie and what's the kid that I love him with the fucked up eye for a while.

02:05:50.000 He's fighting again now.

02:05:51.000 Big kid.

02:05:52.000 184 Akiyama, and he beat him.

02:05:55.000 Akiyama beat him Akiyama's first fight.

02:05:59.000 I always forget his name.

02:06:00.000 Alan Belcher.

02:06:00.000 Comes to the bank.

02:06:01.000 Alan Belcher.

02:06:02.000 So we're hanging out.

02:06:04.000 I forbid I don't go to the front of the way.

02:06:07.000 Right in the back, I mind my business.

02:06:08.000 I don't say nothing because he might beat me up.

02:06:10.000 But they're talking.

02:06:12.000 They're talking like the way we are.

02:06:14.000 And all of a sudden, he goes, bro.

02:06:15.000 Eddie goes, bro.

02:06:17.000 Did you see my new technique?

02:06:18.000 And Alan Belcher's like, no, what is it?

02:06:20.000 He's like, oh, it's called this or something.

02:06:22.000 Like, I don't know.

02:06:23.000 And the next thing you know, they're on the ground.

02:06:25.000 Fuck you.

02:06:26.000 They're in the ring.

02:06:27.000 Yeah.

02:06:27.000 Bitch, they're in the ring.

02:06:28.000 And they got their shoes off.

02:06:29.000 And I'm sitting there going, oh my God.

02:06:32.000 And he's just taking Alan Belcher and just, you know, hooks and legs.

02:06:36.000 I don't know what the fuck that called.

02:06:38.000 But I know Alan Belcher was blown away.

02:06:40.000 In the ring.

02:06:41.000 They went right into the ring.

02:06:42.000 If jiu-jitsu was golf, you know, if jiu-jitsu was something that, you know, Eddie Bravo would be like one of the most respected coaches in the country.

02:06:48.000 He was huge.

02:06:50.000 You know, and I don't know.

02:06:51.000 I think he's just a golfer.

02:06:53.000 I don't think he's a coach.

02:06:54.000 But you know what I'm saying?

02:06:55.000 I mean, if it was like something that was on, golf's a terrible example because it's sort of a game instead of a sport, whereas jiu-jitsu is clearly a sport.

02:07:01.000 He just, you know, he's always wanted to be a musician.

02:07:05.000 That's the real problem.

02:07:06.000 If he just wanted to only be a jiu-jitsu fighter and keep competing, you know, there's always been dudes that will beat him.

02:07:13.000 You know, Javi Vasquez beat him a few times.

02:07:15.000 This guy, I mean, Eddie's not the best in the world because he's not the best athlete, but he's a jiu-jitsu genius, man.

02:07:21.000 He sees shit.

02:07:22.000 He knows how to break shit down.

02:07:23.000 And everybody thinks that he takes credit for all this other shit, but he really doesn't.

02:07:28.000 You know, when you listen to him talk and teach and actually get to know the guy, he gives credit for every single person he learned every move from.

02:07:34.000 You know, there's certain, you know, there's a move called the Duda.

02:07:37.000 There's the John Jacques sweep.

02:07:39.000 Like, he doesn't rename shit that's other people's stuff.

02:07:42.000 If he learned it from somebody else, man, he always, you literally call it, you know, this is what Marcelo uses.

02:07:48.000 This is the Marcelo, you know, get-to-back position.

02:07:51.000 You know, he gives up credit left and right.

02:07:53.000 He's just a weird dude.

02:07:54.000 You know, that's the problem.

02:07:55.000 You know, he's a fucking, he's basically, you know, he's an entertainer.

02:07:59.000 You know, I mean, music is his thing, but it could have just as well been, he could have been an actor.

02:08:05.000 He easily could have been a comic.

02:08:06.000 You know, we, I tried to talk him into it.

02:08:08.000 He tried it for a while, but he was doing too many different things.

02:08:11.000 He was trying to teach jiu-jitsu and trying to do music and trying to do comedy.

02:08:14.000 And it was just too hard for him.

02:08:16.000 He came up with some good material and he was trying for a little bit, but he's an entertainer.

02:08:20.000 You know, it's just jiu-jitsu became something for him to focus his energy on.

02:08:24.000 And he's got a special knack for it.

02:08:26.000 And he's just a dude that if he focuses on shit, he can get real good at shit.

02:08:30.000 He just doesn't get taken seriously because he's an entertainer.

02:08:34.000 We get thought of, you get thought of.

02:08:36.000 We all get thought of.

02:08:37.000 When you're an entertainer, you get thought of as being a silly person.

02:08:41.000 You're not a person to be taken seriously.

02:08:43.000 You're a frivolous person.

02:08:44.000 You know, because you're doing this.

02:08:45.000 And you're like, look at me.

02:08:46.000 I'm on the camera.

02:08:47.000 Look at me.

02:08:49.000 Saw Doug Stanhope over the weekend.

02:08:51.000 How was Doug?

02:08:52.000 Really good, man.

02:08:53.000 He did a really good show.

02:08:54.000 He's different from his Oslo set.

02:08:57.000 Yeah.

02:08:58.000 Well, I saw most of it, but what I saw was all new to me.

02:09:02.000 But really cool seeing him, man.

02:09:06.000 He packed the comedy store, by the way.

02:09:08.000 That main room.

02:09:09.000 Two shows is packed.

02:09:10.000 Outstanding people just.

02:09:12.000 Two shows on Friday?

02:09:13.000 No, one a night.

02:09:13.000 One a night.

02:09:14.000 Thursday and Friday.

02:09:15.000 No, I believed that.

02:09:16.000 I told everybody.

02:09:17.000 He's a bad motherfucker.

02:09:18.000 It was 800.

02:09:18.000 He's a bad dude.

02:09:19.000 All that is is 900 seats.

02:09:21.000 That's a weekend somewhere, which he just did it to two nights.

02:09:24.000 Not even.

02:09:25.000 450 in the main room?

02:09:26.000 400?

02:09:27.000 And you know what was so awesome is that after the show, I was sitting outside with my girlfriend.

02:09:27.000 Really?

02:09:31.000 We're just hanging out watching Sunset.

02:09:33.000 About five people came up.

02:09:34.000 I was like, Red Band, hey man, what's up?

02:09:36.000 All his fans listened to your podcast and stuff, but gave me so much brownie points.

02:09:42.000 My girlfriend was like, wow, you're famous.

02:09:43.000 Wow.

02:09:43.000 Did you get some extra pussy because of that?

02:09:45.000 Yes.

02:09:46.000 He's all happy.

02:09:46.000 Look at him.

02:09:47.000 That's right.

02:09:48.000 So how was Stanhope set?

02:09:50.000 Really good, man.

02:09:50.000 Good.

02:09:52.000 Was it his best shit?

02:09:54.000 It was all new to me.

02:09:55.000 It was just regular Stanhope style material.

02:09:58.000 It was pretty good.

02:10:00.000 He had a really funny joke, a bit about baby pictures.

02:10:03.000 I don't know if you ever heard of him about baby pictures or showing him baby pictures.

02:10:07.000 Don't do his material.

02:10:08.000 He'll get crazy.

02:10:08.000 No, I'm not saying that.

02:10:09.000 That's what it is.

02:10:10.000 It's about baby pictures.

02:10:10.000 Give out the premise.

02:10:13.000 Did you have to stand or did you sit down?

02:10:14.000 I stood.

02:10:15.000 I mean, I could have stayed.

02:10:16.000 I didn't have a ticket, so I just stood in the back.

02:10:19.000 I learned from watching his last show.

02:10:21.000 No more standing.

02:10:22.000 You and I both learned.

02:10:23.000 That's why I changed our whole show.

02:10:25.000 We talked about it.

02:10:26.000 And Joey talked about it, too.

02:10:27.000 Standing and watching a show is a fucking bitch. 1.00

02:10:29.000 It ain't fun.

02:10:30.000 It ain't fun for people.

02:10:31.000 So sit down, bitches, because we got some shows coming up. 1.00

02:10:34.000 Joey and I are going to be in Pittsburgh at the Carnegie Music Hall.

02:10:38.000 And that is Saturday, January 25th.

02:10:42.000 It is already, not January, June, excuse me.

02:10:45.000 Saturday, June 25th.

02:10:46.000 And it's already more than half sold out.

02:10:49.000 And then Joey can't go to Canada, unfortunately.

02:10:52.000 But the Vogue Theater, I'm going to be there with young Tom Segura and that motherfucker, Better Not Be Sick.

02:10:59.000 That's June 9th in Vancouver.

02:11:00.000 And that, I believe, is sold out.

02:11:02.000 I think the only thing that's available is like a couple seats.

02:11:04.000 And then on July 1st, the full death squad will be at Mandalay Bay Theater.

02:11:11.000 It'll be Joey Diaz, Ari Shafir, me, and Doug Benson is going to be in the neighborhood too.

02:11:17.000 So Doug Benson will probably do a guest set as well.

02:11:19.000 And if we get Brian fucked up enough, maybe we'll throw him to the dogs too.

02:11:23.000 It's a big, crazy theater.

02:11:25.000 And yeah, that's a UFC weekend.

02:11:27.000 That's Dominic Cruz versus Uriah Faber bitches on Saturday, July 2nd. 1.00

02:11:31.000 Drop it, baby.

02:11:32.000 God damn it.

02:11:33.000 Carlos Conduit.

02:11:34.000 A dung doom kung kim. 1.00

02:11:35.000 There's a bunch of good fights in the future.

02:11:36.000 There's a lot of good fights.

02:11:37.000 That July 2nd card is the shit.

02:11:39.000 I'm sorry that we were away for so long, but goddamn it, it feels good to be back talking to you guys.

02:11:44.000 I hope you enjoyed the show.

02:11:45.000 Hey, can I give a plug real quick, dog?

02:11:47.000 I'm at Winston's in San Diego.

02:11:47.000 Yeah, sure.

02:11:50.000 Saturday, June 4th at 7 o'clock.

02:11:52.000 I've been there before.

02:11:53.000 It's a great little place.

02:11:54.000 Come on out and say hello.

02:11:55.000 We'll have some fucking banana bread. 0.96

02:11:57.000 Winston's in San Diego, June 4th, Saturday.

02:12:00.000 Yep.

02:12:01.000 That's next weekend.

02:12:02.000 That's next weekend.

02:12:02.000 Next weekend.

02:12:03.000 Who are you there with?

02:12:04.000 Mind myself, a bunch of fucking San Diego guys just rocking.

02:12:06.000 A lot of guys down there in San Diego.

02:12:08.000 A lot of San Diego comics.

02:12:10.000 There's a little community going on down there.

02:12:11.000 Fuck you, Ocean Beach, so it's always a great time.

02:12:13.000 It sells out, so get down there.

02:12:15.000 They only pack like two weeks.

02:12:16.000 Winston's the place you played?

02:12:17.000 The big problem?

02:12:18.000 No, no, no.

02:12:19.000 He played the market.

02:12:19.000 I did fifth in Maine right now.

02:12:22.000 And then I did the And then I did the And then I did the Oh, June 8th is the, Yeah, and then June 2nd.

02:12:28.000 I might have to go for that one.

02:12:31.000 No, I'm not taping my fucking CD in Vancouver.

02:12:33.000 I couldn't get it cleared in time.

02:12:35.000 I'm going to have to hold it off for a few months.

02:12:38.000 Good, let's do Houston, bitch. 1.00

02:12:39.000 Maybe we'll do Houston.

02:12:40.000 Oh, the fuck!

02:12:42.000 10-10.

02:12:43.000 UFC, 10-9.

02:12:45.000 We just take over fucking improv or theater of your choice, bro.

02:12:48.000 What is it, October?

02:12:49.000 No, yeah, 10-10, dude.

02:12:51.000 October 8th.

02:12:52.000 You'll definitely be ready.

02:12:53.000 Everybody will be ready.

02:12:54.000 October 8th is the UFC.

02:12:56.000 That'd be awesome.

02:12:56.000 So maybe we do it October 7th.

02:12:58.000 6th and 7th.

02:12:59.000 Yeah, maybe 7th.

02:13:00.000 We'll do two shows in Houston.

02:13:01.000 Houston would be perfect, too.

02:13:03.000 We ain't been there forever.

02:13:03.000 Or you could just do the Bud Light extravaganza in New Orleans and make the motherfuckers drive from...

02:13:12.000 You've never done a fucking special show.

02:13:14.000 That's New Orleans before.

02:13:15.000 I think that's September.

02:13:17.000 September 16th.

02:13:18.000 Yeah, that's already too quick.

02:13:19.000 I don't know.

02:13:20.000 Maybe I gave up that information too early.

02:13:21.000 I don't know if that's public.

02:13:22.000 No, it's public.

02:13:23.000 Is it public?

02:13:24.000 John Jones and my man got a commercial out.

02:13:26.000 That's why when he went to the doctor, they said, John Jones, are you kidding me?

02:13:29.000 You fight, motherfucker.

02:13:30.000 You're going to New Orleans, motherfucker.

02:13:32.000 You know where he's going to fight?

02:13:33.000 But think about it.

02:13:34.000 Bud Light already did a commercial with Dana.

02:13:36.000 Dana was walking away.

02:13:38.000 20s were falling out of his pocket.

02:13:39.000 So you know how that goes.

02:13:41.000 It's going to be Rampage versus John Jones.

02:13:44.000 Where would you put that?

02:13:45.000 Would you not put that shit in New York?

02:13:47.000 Would you not put that in New Orleans?

02:13:49.000 New Orleans ain't bad either.

02:13:50.000 Same motherfucking difference because there's only two from Memphis, two from Houston.

02:13:54.000 They could come from all over.

02:13:56.000 You know what I'm saying?

02:13:57.000 Think about it.

02:13:58.000 Check yourself before you get yourself.

02:13:59.000 For your wreck yourself.

02:14:00.000 What?

02:14:00.000 Dig CS is bad for your health.

02:14:03.000 Follow Joey on Twitter.

02:14:04.000 It's Mad Flavor, M-A-D-F-L-A-V.

02:14:09.000 Follow him on Twitter.

02:14:10.000 And thank you to all our new friends on Sirius Satellite Radio.

02:14:13.000 We are honored to be on The Virus with Opi and Anthony.

02:14:16.000 It's cool as fuck to hear us on there.

02:14:18.000 And thanks everybody for tuning in.

02:14:20.000 Oh, yeah.

02:14:20.000 And thanks to the flushlight.

02:14:21.000 Go to joerogan.net, click on the link, and enter in the code name Rogan, and you get 15% off the number one sex toy for man bitches. 1.00

02:14:30.000 Enjoy, shoot loads.

02:14:31.000 And we have Ari Shafir on tomorrow.

02:14:33.000 Yeah, Ari Shafir tomorrow.

02:14:35.000 And we're going to play Ari on Salvia, where apparently he tried to kill Brian.

02:14:39.000 And Ari's going to talk about his mushroom initiative.

02:14:42.000 He's trying to have a day where everyone in the country does mushrooms.

02:14:44.000 He's going to promote the shit out of that.

02:14:45.000 Red Band did it already. 0.75

02:14:46.000 And then we got Wednesday.

02:14:48.000 Yeah, Red Band's already done.

02:14:50.000 He's done for like a six-month period at least.

02:14:52.000 And then Wednesday, we got Duncan Trussell.

02:14:54.000 So we got a full three-day death squad week.

02:14:57.000 Duncan, Ari, and Joey, just to make up for it.

02:15:00.000 Thank you very much for having me.

02:15:01.000 Thank you for having me.

02:15:02.000 I love you, motherfuckers.

02:15:03.000 You always got some.

02:15:04.000 I've known you for 20 fucking years.

02:15:05.000 You always got new stories.

02:15:06.000 Give it all my God on the JRE experience because this is all we got.

02:15:09.000 We got to make some JRE experience shirts.

02:15:12.000 Oh, well, I got you.

02:15:14.000 I should have wear your shirt today.

02:15:15.000 I'll wear it tomorrow.

02:15:16.000 I can't wear it, Joe Roe, and that's kind of creepy.

02:15:18.000 Wearing your own shirt?

02:15:19.000 It's so good.

02:15:19.000 If you go to hire-primate.com, they sold out literally within an hour, and we got new ones coming in, and we got a bunch of new designs on the bottom.

02:15:28.000 And we love you.

02:15:29.000 That's it.

02:15:29.000 Thank you very much.

The Joe Rogan Experience - May 31, 2011

Joe Rogan Experience #108 - Joey Diaz

Episode Stats

Summary

Transcript