The Joe Rogan Experience - Joe Rogan Experience #109 - Ari Shaffir

00:00:03.000 The Joe Rogan Experience Podcast is brought to you by The Fleshlight.

00:00:06.000 If you go to joerogan.net, enter in the code name ROGAN, they will give you 15% off of the number one sex toy for men.

00:00:14.000 Shazam.

00:00:15.000 We're talking discounts. 1.00

00:00:17.000 Damn. 1.00

00:00:17.000 My friends. 1.00

00:00:19.000 Alright, with that said, Ari Shafir is in the motherfucking house. 1.00

00:00:22.000 We're talking digwit. 1.00

00:00:23.000 Buckle up, bitches. 1.00

00:00:25.000 We're talking discounts. 1.00

00:00:26.000 We have to do this music for some reason.

00:00:29.000 The Joe Rogan Experience Podcast.

00:00:32.000 We're married to it.

00:00:34.000 Yeah, I don't know. 1.00

00:00:36.000 Fuck. 1.00

00:00:37.000 It's like us. 1.00

00:00:39.000 It's not perfect.

00:00:40.000 It's obnoxious.

00:00:41.000 It lets you know. 1.00

00:00:42.000 There's a lot of shit in there you would change. 1.00

00:00:44.000 Who made that song? 0.99

00:00:45.000 It got really medley really quick.

00:00:46.000 I think Brian made it, right?

00:00:48.000 Didn't you make it?

00:00:48.000 I actually made it for the old Crackle show that we were doing.

00:00:51.000 Did you just do it in GarageBand?

00:00:53.000 It's a mix of GarageBand and real instruments and effects.

00:00:58.000 It's amazing that you can do that, isn't it?

00:01:00.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:01:00.000 Fuck, man. 1.00

00:01:01.000 It's so easy to do stuff today. 1.00

00:01:02.000 You're not a trained musician.

00:01:03.000 Do you play any instruments?

00:01:04.000 Huh?

00:01:05.000 Do you play any instruments?

00:01:06.000 No.

00:01:06.000 Nothing.

00:01:07.000 Nothing.

00:01:07.000 You can make that.

00:01:08.000 I mean, I played instruments my whole life.

00:01:10.000 Like, I played bassoon, trumpet. 1.00

00:01:12.000 Shut up. 1.00

00:01:12.000 I swear to fucking God. 1.00

00:01:13.000 You played a bassoon? 1.00

00:01:14.000 I played a bassoon.

00:01:15.000 Which one's the bassoon? 0.99

00:01:16.000 It almost looks like a tuba, like this big motherfucking crazy thing. 0.98

00:01:19.000 It's a crazy thing to play. 0.98

00:01:21.000 I know.

00:01:21.000 Why'd you play that?

00:01:22.000 Because I wanted to play an instrument bad, but the problem... 1.00

00:01:25.000 And you hate pussy as well. 1.00

00:01:26.000 No, it was... 1.00

00:01:27.000 It was the perfect combination.

00:01:29.000 It was like, I think you had to do it.

00:01:30.000 You had to pick an instrument growing up, and I liked the trumpet, but after a while, it just, you know...

00:01:37.000 What's the hardest one?

00:01:38.000 I thought...

00:01:39.000 Trumpet's the coolest one.

00:01:41.000 No, no.

00:01:41.000 Trumpet wasn't that hard.

00:01:43.000 Isn't it weird, though, that we just made that distinction and we both agreed? 1.00

00:01:46.000 Like, the bassoon is like, what the fuck kind of stupid instrument is a bassoon? 1.00

00:01:49.000 Meanwhile, the trumpet is like, yeah, that's pretty dope. 1.00

00:01:51.000 Like, to learn to play the trumpet, that's cool as shit. 0.99

00:01:52.000 People, like, you would stand outside a woman's, like, window with a trumpet. 0.99

00:01:56.000 But why is that?

00:01:57.000 I don't know.

00:01:58.000 Isn't that weird?

00:01:59.000 That's a weird distinction, and it's one we kind of all agree on. 0.87

00:02:03.000 I mean, I'm sure there's some bassoon aficionados out there, but if you had to ask the average person, you play a bassoon, they're like, get the fuck out of here. 0.87

00:02:10.000 But if you're like, yeah, I play a trumpet, damn, this is cool, a jazz guy in my house plays a trumpet. 0.54

00:02:14.000 The best trumpeteer or the best bassoonist? 0.97

00:02:16.000 Yeah, when I think of trumpets, I think of Denzel Washington and Mo' Betta Blues. 0.99

00:02:20.000 I remember watching that, and he's cleaning his trumpet and shit. 0.99

00:02:23.000 I was like, this motherfucker loves that thing. 1.00

00:02:26.000 He's toning it up and polishing it, and girls want to fuck him. 1.00

00:02:30.000 He's like, I gotta practice, baby. 1.00

00:02:32.000 I gotta practice.

00:02:33.000 I'm always practicing.

00:02:34.000 It inspired me.

00:02:35.000 I thought the trumpet was actually the easiest to learn.

00:02:38.000 Really?

00:02:39.000 Not the easiest to master, probably, but the secret to trumpet is just knowing how to blow it.

00:02:44.000 It's like using your mouth, going that...

00:02:47.000 Oh, you mean just learn how to actually play something? 0.89

00:02:49.000 It is fucking amazing when you see a dude who really knows how to play, though. 0.83

00:02:54.000 I saw Dizzy Gillespie when I was a little kid. 0.97

00:02:56.000 Really?

00:02:57.000 Yeah, when I was living in San Francisco.

00:02:59.000 I went to a cool school, man.

00:03:02.000 Public school in San Francisco in the 70s was pretty badass.

00:03:05.000 Yeah.

00:03:06.000 And they took us all to see Dizzy Gillespie.

00:03:09.000 And he was a crazy one because you're not supposed to go and blow your cheeks out like a fish.

00:03:16.000 That's not like the proper technique, but that's how he did it. 0.98

00:03:21.000 His cheeks were crazy.

00:03:23.000 They would blow out like a frog.

00:03:25.000 I guess he has really powerful lungs and flexible skin. 0.99

00:03:29.000 And because his fucking lungs are so powerful, because he's been playing trumpet for so long, when he's dead now, when he would blow out his face, it was crazy. 0.98

00:03:38.000 And I went to see him, and I was amazed that this guy can do all this, make all this noise out of this one little instrument just because he knows it. 0.99

00:03:47.000 He knows if he pulls it back just this much, it'll make that much of a difference.

00:03:51.000 And if he hits this key and blows a little extra hard, it'll hit that special note that he wants.

00:03:58.000 There's so much variation in the notes.

00:04:01.000 It's amazing.

00:04:02.000 It's an amazing instrument.

00:04:03.000 But the bassoon?

00:04:04.000 What you thinking, son?

00:04:06.000 You know what was gross?

00:04:07.000 The bassoon, when you were a poor kid, they had ones that you could rent from the school, kind of like a library book.

00:04:14.000 And so the bassoon that I had looked like something from the black hole, like one of those old robots.

00:04:19.000 It was just this beat-up, rusted-looking, gross thing.

00:04:24.000 And the spit valve was rusted.

00:04:26.000 Oh, my God.

00:04:27.000 You know, like the pipe where you open up the spit and you blow out the spit.

00:04:30.000 That was just all rusted.

00:04:31.000 I remember that being so gross.

00:04:33.000 That was other people's spit rust. 0.95

00:04:34.000 Yeah. 0.76

00:04:35.000 Dude, that's disgusting.

00:04:36.000 You had to get a used bassoon.

00:04:39.000 I didn't play that as long as the trumpet.

00:04:41.000 I played trumpet probably for two years or so.

00:04:43.000 Yeah, because it's not just the bassoon, right?

00:04:46.000 It's the bassoon.

00:04:47.000 Could you play Reveille right now if you needed to?

00:04:50.000 Yeah, I wouldn't know what I could play.

00:04:52.000 Could you play Reveille?

00:04:53.000 I could play, but I wouldn't know anything to play.

00:04:56.000 You know what I mean?

00:04:57.000 I could blow it and it would sound right.

00:04:59.000 So you couldn't play Reveille?

00:05:01.000 What's that?

00:05:02.000 Reveille.

00:05:02.000 What's that?

00:05:03.000 That's when they wake up in the morning.

00:05:04.000 I used to be able to play it.

00:05:05.000 Really?

00:05:06.000 Could you still remember it right now?

00:05:07.000 No. 1.00

00:05:08.000 Fuck no. 1.00

00:05:08.000 It's like I can't even remember Spanish. 1.00

00:05:10.000 I took Spanish for four years.

00:05:11.000 I remember Ola, Mota, Chichi.

00:05:14.000 What's Mota? 0.58

00:05:15.000 Weed.

00:05:16.000 Weed?

00:05:16.000 Yeah.

00:05:17.000 C. You know C. Tall is Alto.

00:05:20.000 Gordo is Fat.

00:05:21.000 I know all the things people would call me. 1.00

00:05:26.000 So you had to know people were talking shit about you in Spanish? 0.99

00:05:30.000 That's what you got good at? 1.00

00:05:31.000 Yeah.

00:05:32.000 It was all body parts, drugs, and curse words.

00:05:34.000 Just curse words, yeah.

00:05:36.000 That's what everybody does. 0.99

00:05:37.000 Whenever you had a new kid that came from Russia, you're like, dude, okay, how do you say bitch? 1.00

00:05:40.000 Yeah. 0.98

00:05:40.000 Just tell me the keys. 0.98

00:05:42.000 Verde green.

00:05:43.000 Groho red.

00:05:46.000 So Ari, how was Crackers?

00:05:48.000 You were in Indiana?

00:05:49.000 Oh yeah, Indianapolis, Indiana.

00:05:50.000 It was fun.

00:05:51.000 I went skeet shooting.

00:05:52.000 It was totally cool.

00:05:53.000 What's that?

00:05:54.000 Where they shoot the...

00:05:55.000 Yeah, where you gotta yell, pull! 1.00

00:05:56.000 And this fucking disc flies. 1.00

00:05:58.000 And you shoot it with a real shotgun. 1.00

00:06:00.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:06:01.000 You fucking blow it up. 1.00

00:06:02.000 Twice. 1.00

00:06:03.000 Is that your first time shooting anything?

00:06:04.000 No, I've shot stuff before.

00:06:05.000 When I was in Israel, we used to go to the rifle range a bunch.

00:06:08.000 They'd let the tickets out there.

00:06:09.000 But you'd lie on your stomach there.

00:06:11.000 I think it was the first time standing up with a shotgun.

00:06:14.000 But it blows up.

00:06:15.000 It's so cool. 1.00

00:06:16.000 You just have to track it and fucking shoot it. 0.99

00:06:17.000 Was it really trippy? 0.99

00:06:20.000 No, I wouldn't describe it as trippy at all.

00:06:21.000 Are you feeling any after effects of the Salvia trip that you had recently?

00:06:25.000 You know, I miss that place.

00:06:26.000 Have you had any afterthoughts?

00:06:28.000 What?

00:06:29.000 Do you have any afterthoughts now that you've... 1.00

00:06:31.000 No, that shit doesn't stay with you that long. 0.99

00:06:33.000 It kind of goes away. 1.00

00:06:34.000 For the listeners, he had pretty much a breakdown on Salvia where you started flailing your legs, you started...

00:06:41.000 Yeah, yeah. 0.99

00:06:42.000 I thought you were fucking with me. 1.00

00:06:45.000 Right. 1.00

00:06:45.000 Looking back now, do you realize that Sam Tripoli was fucking you by saying shit like, I think he's dead? 1.00

00:06:52.000 Oh no, I looked at it again. 0.99

00:06:53.000 It's just me completely not trusting you. 0.99

00:06:55.000 Nobody has any idea what the fuck you're talking about. 0.99

00:06:57.000 I was waiting for you to join in. 1.00

00:07:01.000 This is the most ridiculous conversation ever. 0.99

00:07:02.000 See what happens when I let you talk? 1.00

00:07:04.000 You were typing away.

00:07:05.000 I don't know where you were.

00:07:06.000 Well, I was trying to find this thing because I wanted to ask you about there's a story on CNN today.

00:07:11.000 And I know that for those who don't know, Ari spent a good deal of his life studying Judaism and the Talmud.

00:07:20.000 Explain your whole situation for people.

00:07:22.000 I was in Yeshiva in Israel for two years.

00:07:24.000 I was super religious.

00:07:25.000 It's like this dormitory.

00:07:26.000 You just spend morning to night studying.

00:07:29.000 You can live around Israel, too.

00:07:30.000 You see the country, but most of your day, 9 to 5, it's really like 8 to fucking 10 p.m., just studying all day long with a break for lunch, a break for dinner, and the services. 0.91

00:07:42.000 Wow.

00:07:43.000 Yeah, but it was super cool.

00:07:44.000 It was super rewarding.

00:07:45.000 I was good at it.

00:07:45.000 Then I came home and lost my religion, and that's why I'm a comedian.

00:07:48.000 And, you know, how do you go from that to as extreme as you are now?

00:07:52.000 How do you make that leap?

00:07:53.000 What was it?

00:07:54.000 What was it that made you lose your religion?

00:07:56.000 I just really thought about it.

00:07:57.000 I really honestly thought inside, do I believe in God?

00:08:00.000 And it just wasn't there.

00:08:01.000 It just wasn't there.

00:08:02.000 For the first time, I thought about it.

00:08:04.000 And I'm like, I don't...

00:08:05.000 Like, when I think about...

00:08:08.000 You know, you don't have this core beliefs in your system, you know?

00:08:11.000 Summer's warm or whatever it is.

00:08:12.000 Like, you just believe these things.

00:08:14.000 That's a bad example.

00:08:15.000 But...

00:08:15.000 It just wasn't in there.

00:08:16.000 It's just not in there.

00:08:17.000 I don't know if you believe in God or not, but it's like, you either believe or you don't believe.

00:08:20.000 Especially when it comes to a leap of faith, where it's like, there's no proof for it.

00:08:24.000 Yeah, I don't think it's a believe or not believe.

00:08:26.000 I think it's a, I don't know. 0.99

00:08:29.000 That's my answer to all that shit. 1.00

00:08:31.000 I don't know, but religion... 1.00

00:08:32.000 My answer is, if it was an argument about anything else except religion, using the same proofs, you'd be like, what the fuck are you talking about? 0.99

00:08:38.000 There's no proof for it? 1.00

00:08:39.000 Get fucked. 0.99

00:08:40.000 It's no, well, people have a weird desire to think that there's an answer to all this. 1.00

00:08:44.000 Yeah. 0.97

00:08:45.000 And if you challenge their thought that they believe in, they'll get so angry they want to fight you and kill you.

00:08:53.000 Yeah, but I thought it was supposed to be a leap of faith.

00:08:55.000 So you've taken that leap.

00:08:57.000 And they're mad if you don't.

00:08:58.000 Or they're mad if you question why they did. 0.99

00:09:01.000 But look, believe whatever the fuck you want to believe, folks. 0.96

00:09:04.000 This is why I wanted to bring this up to you. 0.97

00:09:07.000 For some people, it helps, man.

00:09:08.000 I know people that need religion. 0.99

00:09:10.000 They need God. 0.99

00:09:10.000 They need some idea, some fucking fiber, some path that they can follow, something tangible. 0.99

00:09:18.000 And the Bible to them, it does it. 0.99

00:09:19.000 I don't know.

00:09:20.000 Whatever. 1.00

00:09:20.000 Do whatever the fuck you want. 1.00

00:09:21.000 If that's what you need, good for you. 1.00

00:09:23.000 Some people need Prozac.

00:09:24.000 You know what I'm saying?

00:09:25.000 It's okay.

00:09:27.000 No worries.

00:09:28.000 But here's the question.

00:09:30.000 I know you studied ancient Hebrew, and you studied...

00:09:33.000 Did you study a lot of the Old Testament?

00:09:35.000 Oh, yeah.

00:09:36.000 Well, there's a research group in Canada, according to CNN, that has just proved, and this is the story that they published, that the Old Testament has been massively mistranslated.

00:09:48.000 And follows three years of research which has uncovered that the actual system for translating ancient Hebrew is the group discovered that each letter is not a letter at all, but a full word.

00:09:59.000 And what was believed to be a word is actually a sentence, like a description, which supplies the definition of the word.

00:10:06.000 So what's a sentence? 0.99

00:10:07.000 A fucking paragraph? 0.99

00:10:08.000 I don't know. 1.00

00:10:09.000 It's a good question.

00:10:10.000 I don't understand this. 0.96

00:10:11.000 This is one of the reasons why I wanted to bring this up to you, because I know you have a lot of A lot of knowledge about this shit, about ancient Hebrew. 0.93

00:10:18.000 So is what they're saying making any sense to you? 0.96

00:10:23.000 What they're saying basically is that...

00:10:25.000 I sort of get it.

00:10:25.000 They used to think, as far as I know, my limited understanding, they used to believe that every letter is also a number.

00:10:33.000 Yeah, they still believe that.

00:10:33.000 They believe that.

00:10:34.000 So there's no numbers in ancient Hebrew, right?

00:10:38.000 Letters and numbers are all the same thing.

00:10:40.000 Yeah, if you want to show there was chai, it's a sign for life, but it means 8 and yud means 10, so it's 18. So people usually give gifts.

00:10:49.000 The gift of life is the greatest gift, so they give gifts in units of 18. Wow, that's a really badass thing, a language that's like that when you think about it.

00:10:57.000 A language where it's all numbers and letters are all intertwined.

00:11:02.000 Words have numerical value to them, right?

00:11:04.000 Yeah, all of them. 0.91

00:11:05.000 So it's like you can figure shit out that way. 0.99

00:11:07.000 So really, any sort of translation of that into something else, like Latin, fuck, you must be losing almost all of it, right? 0.99

00:11:14.000 Yeah. 0.98

00:11:15.000 If you don't know the language, you won't get the meaning without any of that.

00:11:19.000 So you have to translate it.

00:11:20.000 You have to read a translation.

00:11:20.000 Does what they're saying make any sense to you?

00:11:22.000 It makes sense, but I don't see how that could be.

00:11:25.000 I mean, they know what a lot of those words are.

00:11:28.000 Do they, for sure?

00:11:29.000 They make sense in sentences, yeah.

00:11:30.000 They still exist today in the same word.

00:11:32.000 Habba.

00:11:34.000 So how could they be saying this then? 1.00

00:11:36.000 That sounds like they're full of shit. 1.00

00:11:37.000 It sounds like nonsense. 1.00

00:11:38.000 I don't understand it.

00:11:38.000 I'd have to really see what they were talking about exactly.

00:11:40.000 I would think that when some shit gets on CNN that they've done some filtering of it and they know that they're right. 0.91

00:11:47.000 CNN might not be reporting it exactly right or something. 0.95

00:11:50.000 I'm just not sure.

00:11:50.000 I don't know what that would be.

00:11:51.000 Yeah.

00:11:52.000 Well, and all they have to do is really say a research group in Canada. 0.99

00:11:54.000 Look, it's interesting shit. 0.99

00:11:56.000 Even if it's not correct, it's interesting shit. 1.00

00:11:59.000 And CNN is in the business of getting people to pay attention to interesting shit. 0.99

00:12:02.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:12:03.000 You know, when I go to CNN.com, one of the reasons why it goes is because every now and then they'll have some weird ass fucking story like this. 0.99

00:12:08.000 CNN, yeah. 0.99

00:12:09.000 CNN has some good stories, man.

00:12:10.000 You know, you think of CNN as being like a mainstream website for news, and it is. 0.99

00:12:16.000 But there's, you know, there's some fucking fascinating shit on there. 0.99

00:12:19.000 Whenever I go to those sites, I just go to the wacky section. 0.99

00:12:21.000 The wacky section?

00:12:22.000 There's a wacky section?

00:12:23.000 There's always a wacky section.

00:12:24.000 Let me look for the wacky section on CNN. Man arrests himself after too many bananas.

00:12:30.000 You know?

00:12:32.000 Yeah, I used to have a friend that would scour those for jokes every day.

00:12:36.000 Whenever I write packets.

00:12:37.000 If ever I write packets for a late night talk show or something, that's all I look for.

00:12:41.000 Do you really? 0.98

00:12:42.000 What story am I going to do about the Speaker of the House not coming to the fucking vote today? 0.97

00:12:48.000 I have nothing to say about any of that stuff anymore. 0.98

00:12:51.000 Yeah.

00:12:52.000 I don't want to talk about it. 0.99

00:12:53.000 But if somebody tried to shoot a cockroach with a speedboat, I want to fucking know. 0.99

00:12:58.000 It's so sad to be in that state of mistrust of the government and thinking that the system is so completely fucked that you just don't want to stop it. 0.99

00:13:07.000 Don't even talk about it to me. 0.97

00:13:08.000 Did you hear what the Democrats did on the floor today? 1.00

00:13:10.000 Shut up. 1.00

00:13:11.000 Shut up, World of Warcraft. 1.00

00:13:13.000 Here's my new deal. 1.00

00:13:14.000 Talk to me about your wizards. 1.00

00:13:16.000 It's the same shit. 1.00

00:13:17.000 When people say that all Republicans are just fucking idiots, Midwestern morons, it's just so silly to write half the country that they can't have any point at all. 1.00

00:13:26.000 I agree with Republicans on a lot of shit. 1.00

00:13:28.000 A lot of shit. 1.00

00:13:30.000 Gun control shit. 1.00

00:13:31.000 Separation of taste. 1.00

00:13:32.000 Yeah.

00:13:32.000 If everybody would be like old school conservative Republican the way it was supposed to be, it would be smaller business, smaller government, get the fuck out of our lives, leave people alone, leave people that have personal freedom.

00:13:46.000 But somewhere along the line, conservative didn't become that.

00:13:49.000 Being a Republican wasn't about...

00:13:51.000 It wasn't about limited government.

00:13:54.000 Like all things, they become, what is the most profitable?

00:13:57.000 What's the best way to do this? 0.90

00:13:59.000 Well, the best way to do this is be completely intertwined with business so they're fucking robbing the world and bribing us all the time. 0.85

00:14:06.000 Well, that's how we do it. 0.93

00:14:07.000 Let's just do it that way.

00:14:08.000 And so that's where it is. 0.99

00:14:09.000 So Republican or Democrat or whatever the fuck it is, it's all just some shell game that involves people making absurd amounts of money doing shit that most people wouldn't want them doing. 0.99

00:14:21.000 You know? 0.99

00:14:22.000 Yeah.

00:14:23.000 What do you mean?

00:14:23.000 So it doesn't matter.

00:14:23.000 Well, offshore drilling and all sorts of creepy fucking shit that goes on.

00:14:27.000 Germany said they want to get rid of nuclear power plants, as is Sweden. 1.00

00:14:31.000 Sweden is powering off their shit, too. 0.99

00:14:32.000 By 2050, they want to be completely off. 1.00

00:14:33.000 They're fucking smart, man. 0.97

00:14:34.000 They just have to figure out how to use those renewable ones and how to store the energy. 0.99

00:14:40.000 Dude, it's the scariest thing in the world.

00:14:41.000 The idea that they've created some area that you cannot go to for the next who knows how many fucking thousand years. 0.98

00:14:48.000 But that spot, that one spot will fuck you up a thousand years from now. 0.97

00:14:53.000 They said you couldn't eat vegetables for like six months or a year. 0.53

00:14:56.000 They said there's still some berries 25 years later you still can't eat.

00:14:58.000 Because they store it in a certain way.

00:15:01.000 Are they researching a thing to stop that or to fix that?

00:15:05.000 Like a goo that they could spray in the air?

00:15:08.000 I bet they are.

00:15:09.000 I'm pretty sure they are.

00:15:11.000 That would be worth some research.

00:15:13.000 It's a pretty elemental problem.

00:15:15.000 I mean, what you've done is created nuclear fission or fusion?

00:15:19.000 Which one is it?

00:15:19.000 Sounds good.

00:15:20.000 It's one of those.

00:15:21.000 It's fission or fusion.

00:15:22.000 One of them's a bomb, or one of them is the sun, and one of them is a nuclear power plant.

00:15:27.000 Somebody reminded me of this on Twitter.

00:15:28.000 Which one's Infanta?

00:15:29.000 When I was joking around, because I always joke around that these guys in Japan have made a sun in the middle of the field, and now they can't shut it off. 1.00

00:15:35.000 I mean, it really is kind of what it's like.

00:15:37.000 I mean, I know it's not exactly the same thing, but it is something preposterously powerful that you can't even fucking go near, and we created it. 0.95

00:15:45.000 Why don't we just use that as where to put all the world's garbage? 0.91

00:15:50.000 That's not a bad idea.

00:15:51.000 Right? 0.99

00:15:51.000 This area sucks. 0.99

00:15:53.000 This area sucks, so this area is just going to be a Tetris of nasty shit. 1.00

00:15:57.000 Yeah, fly over and just dump it. 1.00

00:15:59.000 Yeah.

00:15:59.000 Yeah, that's actually a wonderful idea.

00:16:01.000 I know.

00:16:02.000 I like it a lot.

00:16:02.000 Or prison cells.

00:16:04.000 No, now you're pushing it.

00:16:06.000 Dude, did you...

00:16:07.000 Make it a reality show.

00:16:08.000 Did you...

00:16:09.000 Watch some morph?

00:16:11.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:16:12.000 There's the latest thing on this Large Hadron Collider situation is that the Large Hadron Collider, talking about shit that you can never get away from. 0.92

00:16:22.000 The Large Hadron Collider has created a gluon quark, a quark gluon plasma. 0.93

00:16:29.000 And it's many, many times more dense than a neutron star. 0.98

00:16:33.000 This shit is so dense that if you'd have a sugar cube size of it, it's like 40 billion pounds. 0.99

00:16:41.000 Okay. 1.00

00:16:42.000 That's what are they going to do with that?

00:16:44.000 How do they do that?

00:16:44.000 Yeah, hey.

00:16:45.000 How do they make that?

00:16:46.000 Is that stuff that Is it round? 0.98

00:16:48.000 They made that on their way to blowing up the fucking world, is how they made it. 0.97

00:16:52.000 If I was in that hot water collider, I'd figure out a way to do jousting in it. 0.99

00:16:55.000 It's the densest matter available. 0.99

00:16:58.000 It's, like, impossible for us to even wrap our heads around how dense this shit is. 0.92

00:17:04.000 What's really crazy about that is it's nothing compared to the density of the original universe, according to the Big Bang Theory. 0.97

00:17:10.000 The Big Bang Theory states that the entire universe was smaller than the head of a pin.

00:17:14.000 Somehow or another, just one point of infinite density.

00:17:18.000 Popped open.

00:17:19.000 And it just exploded and created everything.

00:17:21.000 I mean, it's a very controversial theory.

00:17:23.000 There's a bunch of other ones that other people believe in, like...

00:17:26.000 Brains, like membranes theories.

00:17:28.000 That there's like every universe is like a membrane.

00:17:31.000 Sometimes they collide with each other and it's a never-ending cycle.

00:17:34.000 And then there's another...

00:17:35.000 There's a bunch of different theories of constant expansion and contraction.

00:17:39.000 That's what the universe does infinitely.

00:17:41.000 Just constantly expands and contracts forever.

00:17:43.000 Just like your breath.

00:17:44.000 That stuff used to interest me when I was in sixth grade.

00:17:47.000 That's when I was super into that, when I found out the universe opened and closed.

00:17:49.000 And then I just sort of stopped.

00:17:50.000 You just got tired.

00:17:52.000 I was like, I don't know, I guess. 0.99

00:17:54.000 There's a lot of shit I don't understand. 0.99

00:17:56.000 It doesn't affect you so you don't think about it? 1.00

00:17:59.000 I guess.

00:17:59.000 I just stopped thinking about it.

00:18:01.000 Man, I'm obsessed with all that shit. 0.99

00:18:03.000 I'm obsessed with anything nutty like this that I don't think anybody's paying attention to. 1.00

00:18:07.000 Especially this quark, gluon, plasma, whatever the fuck it is. 0.98

00:18:11.000 That just... 0.98

00:18:11.000 If you had your choice, would you have them shut down the large hundred car liar so you could look into it further? 0.98

00:18:15.000 No.

00:18:16.000 No.

00:18:16.000 I think it's natural.

00:18:17.000 I think what people are doing...

00:18:19.000 I don't want to be anywhere near it, but I think what people are doing is a natural thing.

00:18:24.000 I think that we have...

00:18:26.000 A built-in tendency towards accelerating technology.

00:18:30.000 We cannot stop.

00:18:31.000 We can't help ourselves.

00:18:32.000 We need to know.

00:18:33.000 We need to know what happens when I do this.

00:18:34.000 What happens when I do that?

00:18:35.000 I mean, look, what they're doing there.

00:18:37.000 They're spending...

00:18:38.000 There's 10,000 scientists from 100 different countries.

00:18:41.000 They have spent billions and billions of dollars.

00:18:44.000 And none of what they're doing is going to help pull oil out of the ocean or fix our food problem or fix our...

00:18:51.000 What are they trying to do?

00:18:52.000 Or are they just trying to see...

00:18:52.000 What they're trying to do is create a, they were trying to create a God particle.

00:18:56.000 This is a theoretical particle called the Higgs-Boson particle.

00:19:00.000 And this is a particle that existed milliseconds after the Big Bang.

00:19:03.000 And it's this theoretical particle, if they can prove its existence, it puts a lot of the pieces together of like some sort of a unified theory of what, you know, what creates the universe, what the universe is made of, what's matter made of.

00:19:16.000 So if they make enough of these particles and put them together?

00:19:17.000 They don't even know if it's real.

00:19:18.000 They're trying to make it. 1.00

00:19:19.000 And on their way to ramping up to make it, they're making shit like this quark, gluon, whatever the fuck it is. 0.98

00:19:25.000 So what if they make this particle, then what do they get? 0.99

00:19:27.000 Well, if they do, they also get little black holes.

00:19:32.000 That's one of the things they get.

00:19:33.000 This is a real issue that some people are concerned with.

00:19:37.000 Some scientists say you don't have to worry about it because it's just going to disappear because their mass can't exist.

00:19:46.000 They're too small.

00:19:47.000 They don't have enough gravity.

00:19:48.000 They'll disappear. 1.00

00:19:49.000 But fucking how do you know, man? 1.00

00:19:51.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:19:51.000 Nobody's ever made a black hole before, shithead. 1.00

00:19:54.000 You're just out there pressing buttons. 0.99

00:19:56.000 And I'm not saying they shouldn't be doing it.

00:19:58.000 I'm not saying they shouldn't be doing it.

00:19:59.000 Don't get me wrong.

00:20:00.000 People are like, what are you, stifling science?

00:20:02.000 As if, you know, science...

00:20:05.000 You have to look at it all objectively, man.

00:20:07.000 Science doesn't get a free pass.

00:20:09.000 You have to look at it all objectively. 0.99

00:20:11.000 You have to look at what the fuck they're doing. 0.99

00:20:12.000 What are they doing? 0.99

00:20:13.000 You're smashing atoms together.

00:20:15.000 And you guys are playing with rocks. 1.00

00:20:17.000 You guys are crazy, egghead, genius motherfuckers that talk some people into letting you break a fucking hole through this dimension. 1.00

00:20:28.000 That's what you're doing. 1.00

00:20:30.000 You know what this is like?

00:20:31.000 This is like Half-Life. 1.00

00:20:32.000 This is like that goddamn video game. 0.99

00:20:33.000 Remember that? 1.00

00:20:34.000 They blew a hole through another dimension.

00:20:36.000 Giant crabs came out and fought people up.

00:20:38.000 I'm picturing you sitting in front of your computer at 3.30 in the morning just going, no!

00:20:42.000 I can't help myself.

00:20:43.000 No!

00:20:44.000 I can't help myself.

00:20:45.000 Weird.

00:20:46.000 They're crazy. 1.00

00:20:47.000 People are crazy. 0.98

00:20:48.000 Could you imagine the reviews of the Courtyard of the Merit across the street from the Collider?

00:20:53.000 Cons across the street from the large Hydeon Collider.

00:20:59.000 There's nothing anywhere near this.

00:21:01.000 There's a Howard Johnson's across the street.

00:21:03.000 Yeah, it's an IHOP and they're complaining.

00:21:05.000 Free breakfast, but across the street from Black Hole.

00:21:07.000 I wonder what it sounds like when atoms collide at light speed.

00:21:11.000 I bet it sounds like... 0.99

00:21:12.000 What if it sounds like gay porn? 1.00

00:21:14.000 Yeah, I wonder if it sounds like anything, right? 0.99

00:21:16.000 It's probably just...

00:21:17.000 What if it does sound like, stick it in.

00:21:19.000 No, you stick it in.

00:21:20.000 And it won't go away.

00:21:21.000 For the rest of our life, we have to hear that.

00:21:23.000 And my thoughts about...

00:21:25.000 Where all of a sudden nobody hears anything for one second.

00:21:27.000 Right.

00:21:28.000 The whole world just skips a beat.

00:21:29.000 And then it went to this...

00:21:30.000 Comes right back.

00:21:31.000 Yeah.

00:21:32.000 Well, you know, my worry about this is not this, necessarily.

00:21:36.000 It's about what does this spawn?

00:21:38.000 The atomic weapons that were first created in 1940-whatever, they eventually spawned much smaller compact, much more dangerous atomic, much more powerful atomic weapons.

00:21:50.000 What is this going to spawn?

00:21:52.000 They're not going to stop at the Large Hadron Collider. 0.72

00:21:54.000 A hundred years from now, they're not going to be sitting around going, well, there's no need to keep fucking around with things.

00:21:58.000 Never ending search for more knowledge. 0.96

00:22:00.000 Yeah, well, never ending search for more knowledge and fucking with things, pressing buttons, seeing what happens. 0.98

00:22:07.000 Making God Particles. 0.98

00:22:09.000 Do you remember the movie Black Hole?

00:22:12.000 No.

00:22:12.000 What was that?

00:22:14.000 It's a Disney movie.

00:22:15.000 It's like the first R-rated Disney movie.

00:22:16.000 It was about a black hole going into a black hole.

00:22:19.000 Whoa.

00:22:19.000 What happens?

00:22:20.000 What movie was this?

00:22:21.000 I'm not going to...

00:22:21.000 1980...

00:22:24.000 82?

00:22:25.000 Oh, it must have been awesome.

00:22:26.000 Oh, it's badass.

00:22:28.000 It must have been awesome.

00:22:29.000 It was a complete rip-off of like, well, it was not a rip-off, but trying to get on the bandwagon of Star Wars.

00:22:35.000 Oh, science fiction?

00:22:36.000 Yeah.

00:22:36.000 Well, they had robots like R2-D2s, but they had to like paint them and make these big eyes on them and stuff like that.

00:22:42.000 But they're pretty much floating R2-D2s.

00:22:44.000 It's pretty badass.

00:22:45.000 I would recommend it. 0.97

00:22:47.000 Badass for being terrible. 0.92

00:22:48.000 Badass, yeah.

00:22:49.000 Do you remember a good?

00:22:51.000 Huh?

00:22:51.000 The end, though.

00:22:52.000 I don't want to give it away.

00:22:53.000 The end.

00:22:54.000 Just give it away.

00:22:54.000 No one's giving it away, bro.

00:22:57.000 You don't have to worry about spoilers.

00:22:58.000 The producers will be happy that you didn't even mention this.

00:23:00.000 No, no, no. 0.97

00:23:01.000 The end is really fucked up, and I would not ruin the end. 0.95

00:23:04.000 But the guy that did... 0.97

00:23:05.000 What? 0.99

00:23:05.000 No, it's fucked up. 0.99

00:23:07.000 You guys want to see this movie. 1.00

00:23:08.000 You guys want to smoke a shitload of weed and see the black hole. 0.95

00:23:11.000 I really don't.

00:23:12.000 You really will want it.

00:23:14.000 I've got to be in the right mood for something terrible.

00:23:17.000 I've still got to get to Toy Story 3. But the guy that did Tron, the Neutron remake, he's now redoing Black Hole.

00:23:23.000 Oh, okay.

00:23:23.000 And so it's kind of cool.

00:23:25.000 The Neutron wasn't bad.

00:23:27.000 It wasn't great, but it wasn't bad.

00:23:29.000 It was pretty fun.

00:23:31.000 I went to re-watch the old one and I was like, oh, I don't have any interest in watching this new thing.

00:23:34.000 Oh, it's good.

00:23:35.000 Especially in 3D. It's not bad.

00:23:36.000 Yeah, 3D was cool.

00:23:37.000 I saw a priest last night in 3D. It was pretty fun.

00:23:39.000 I was a priest, yeah.

00:23:40.000 Pretty fun.

00:23:40.000 Which one's a priest?

00:23:41.000 Who was in that? 0.95

00:23:41.000 Vampire killer dudes. 0.95

00:23:43.000 Oh, yeah.

00:23:43.000 That looks pretty cool.

00:23:44.000 Yeah, it's fun.

00:23:44.000 It's fun.

00:23:45.000 Stupid. 1.00

00:23:45.000 Fun. 1.00

00:23:46.000 Yeah.

00:23:46.000 I'm going to get Piranha 3D. I still haven't seen Piranha.

00:23:48.000 It's like a comic book movie.

00:23:50.000 You know?

00:23:51.000 I want to see The Hangover, too.

00:23:53.000 Why?

00:23:54.000 Americana.

00:23:54.000 Why?

00:23:54.000 Yeah.

00:23:55.000 They have a thing there where you can get 130 different types of sodas.

00:23:59.000 Whoa.

00:24:00.000 You choose your base, like Fanta, Fanta Light, Sprite Zero, Coke Zero, Coke.

00:24:04.000 Diet Coke.

00:24:05.000 And then on top of that, so you can get like orange-flavored caffeine-free Diet Coke.

00:24:09.000 Whoa.

00:24:10.000 Yeah.

00:24:10.000 It's a mixer.

00:24:11.000 You can get grape Sprite Zero.

00:24:12.000 Whoa.

00:24:13.000 Yeah.

00:24:13.000 You can get...

00:24:13.000 It's awesome.

00:24:14.000 It's a stoner's delight.

00:24:15.000 Oh, I sat that for like 15 minutes.

00:24:17.000 Oh, my goodness.

00:24:18.000 The girl I was with was like, all right, people are waiting.

00:24:19.000 I'm like, you can let them wait longer.

00:24:21.000 I haven't seen everything yet.

00:24:22.000 Wow.

00:24:23.000 Wow, Ari held up the line. 1.00

00:24:24.000 Yeah, he would be horrible to be behind.

00:24:26.000 I know, Ari.

00:24:27.000 He would dissect every single flavor.

00:24:29.000 I got lost in it.

00:24:30.000 Yep.

00:24:30.000 Sorry, you shouldn't put up that many if you don't expect people to look.

00:24:33.000 Or how about you let us in early?

00:24:34.000 I asked the lady specifically, can I get in? 0.99

00:24:36.000 I'm high.

00:24:36.000 It's going to take me a long time.

00:24:37.000 And she said, not until 20 minutes before the movie.

00:24:39.000 Have you seen the flashback sodas?

00:24:41.000 Were you told her you were high?

00:24:43.000 Yeah.

00:24:44.000 I was like, it's going to take me a really long time to decide what I want.

00:24:47.000 I'm really high.

00:24:48.000 Can I just go in now?

00:24:49.000 I've seen the flashback sodas.

00:24:50.000 They've taken Pepsi and Mountain Dew.

00:24:52.000 They have the old cans and then they have real cane sugar going back to real cane sugar.

00:24:57.000 Do you think they should let stone people in movie theaters early? 0.99

00:25:00.000 Sort of like how they let babies on board airplanes early?

00:25:03.000 Yes, deal with it.

00:25:03.000 Because you don't want me stuck lying behind me.

00:25:05.000 Wheelchairs and babies, right? 0.93

00:25:07.000 Yeah.

00:25:07.000 People with small children.

00:25:07.000 Absolutely.

00:25:08.000 Just let them on board quicker.

00:25:09.000 It's an impediment at certain points.

00:25:11.000 It's not a bad idea.

00:25:12.000 Ari, do you think you over-medicate on marijuana? 1.00

00:25:14.000 Oh yeah.

00:25:15.000 No, I mean, I don't know.

00:25:16.000 What's over-medication?

00:25:17.000 What does that mean?

00:25:17.000 You wake up, the second you wake up, you smoke weed all the way to the second you go to sleep.

00:25:22.000 You don't think you do that?

00:25:22.000 No, I don't do that.

00:25:23.000 What do you mean you don't think he does that?

00:25:26.000 You're completely saying I do, but I don't. 0.99

00:25:28.000 Because you smoke a shitload of weed. 0.98

00:25:30.000 Every time I talk to you, you're like, I've already had... 0.99

00:25:31.000 Well, I just wondered.

00:25:32.000 No, but you don't have to call me a liar.

00:25:34.000 I'll tell you what I do.

00:25:36.000 I don't care.

00:25:36.000 I'll admit to anything, but I don't wake up and start smoking pot.

00:25:39.000 I usually take care of all my errands.

00:25:41.000 Today I didn't, so I couldn't go to the bank.

00:25:43.000 The way you asked him was a tad on the douchey side.

00:25:45.000 No, no.

00:25:46.000 It's a true fact that Joey Diaz does the same.

00:25:49.000 He wakes up and smokes weed all day and stuff like that.

00:25:52.000 Every time I hang out with Ari, Ari's already completely baked out of his mind and it's like noon.

00:25:57.000 Every time I hang out with Ari. 0.77

00:25:58.000 Well, maybe he knows he's going to hang out with you.

00:26:01.000 He wants to get high and make a conversation interesting.

00:26:03.000 If I go to my podcast, I don't like to do it right before I go on.

00:26:06.000 That's just a legitimate question, though.

00:26:09.000 But you said it, douchey. 0.96

00:26:10.000 The second time.

00:26:11.000 Do you over-medicate?

00:26:12.000 No, no, no.

00:26:12.000 Later.

00:26:13.000 You want me to explain?

00:26:14.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:26:16.000 I mean, you wake up the first thing in the morning and I was like, no, I don't do that.

00:26:18.000 And you go, okay, you don't think you wake up first thing in the morning and smoke.

00:26:21.000 It's a very clear use of the word think.

00:26:23.000 It's kind of douchey.

00:26:23.000 To question the truth of my statement.

00:26:25.000 That's what I... The better way to do it would be to explore...

00:26:29.000 Alright, I'm sorry that I came across douchey.

00:26:31.000 It's fine.

00:26:32.000 That's not what I was going for.

00:26:34.000 It's alright, dude.

00:26:35.000 But the important thing is, the real question is, how often are you getting high all day?

00:26:39.000 Like, how many days?

00:26:40.000 I get high every day.

00:26:42.000 Every day?

00:26:42.000 Yeah.

00:26:42.000 Damn!

00:26:43.000 Shazam! 1.00

00:26:43.000 You don't take no days off? 1.00

00:26:45.000 Um...

00:26:46.000 If I take a day off, you'll probably hear about it.

00:26:50.000 It's a noteworthy moment.

00:26:52.000 Yeah, well, you know.

00:26:53.000 But also, at this point, I got high for like an hour, and then I'm completely fine.

00:26:57.000 Right.

00:26:58.000 You know, unless I get some honey butter like I got last night.

00:27:00.000 A little bit every day, unless you get like a cookie.

00:27:02.000 Yeah, cookies in all day.

00:27:04.000 Let's have some fun.

00:27:04.000 I went to Six Flags a couple weeks ago, or last week.

00:27:08.000 With Eric Abrams and Ryan Sickler.

00:27:11.000 And we all had some of those stuff from NOCC, the banana breads.

00:27:15.000 I keep hearing about these terrifying banana breads.

00:27:17.000 Stay away from those.

00:27:18.000 On roller coasters, it was so good.

00:27:20.000 I had about three quarters of one, and it was like, oh my god, Jesus!

00:27:24.000 Jesus!

00:27:26.000 Oh my god.

00:27:27.000 I couldn't even imagine being that baked on a roller coaster.

00:27:29.000 It's so great.

00:27:30.000 Especially Six Flags.

00:27:31.000 Those are hardcore ones.

00:27:32.000 Those are so extreme.

00:27:33.000 They have one where you strap in and they lift your legs up so you're just flying.

00:27:36.000 Yes.

00:27:37.000 You can only look down into nothingness.

00:27:38.000 What is that one called?

00:27:39.000 X something?

00:27:40.000 I don't know.

00:27:41.000 X2. They didn't have an X2. I don't know if that was that one.

00:27:43.000 It might have been.

00:27:44.000 They had an X2, the Viper.

00:27:45.000 It was so fun.

00:27:46.000 It's so fun.

00:27:47.000 Season pass.

00:27:48.000 You have to take everything out of your pockets. 1.00

00:27:50.000 You can't have nothing in your pockets because that shit will go flying. 1.00

00:27:53.000 This is what I did this time. 1.00

00:27:54.000 You get whipped around. 1.00

00:27:55.000 I said, fuck it. 1.00

00:27:55.000 I'm going to risk my glasses. 1.00

00:27:56.000 What?

00:27:57.000 Yeah.

00:27:57.000 I had a hoodie on.

00:27:58.000 I tied my glasses to the strings of my hoodie.

00:28:01.000 Yeah?

00:28:01.000 And it never fell off, though.

00:28:03.000 They almost got close. 1.00

00:28:04.000 But I was like, if they fall off, fuck it. 1.00

00:28:06.000 I got to hold on or I'm going to die. 1.00

00:28:08.000 Wow.

00:28:09.000 So it's like, yeah, but they never fell off.

00:28:10.000 They got close, and then I managed to push them back.

00:28:13.000 Dude, deaths in amusement parks are like, whenever you see that Final Destinations movie, you know those movies where people are dying, it's always like a bunch of different, I never saw one of them, but I have seen, I mean, I think they must have done like five of them. 0.97

00:28:27.000 I always see the fucking previews. 0.97

00:28:30.000 A train hits somebody. 1.00

00:28:32.000 A bus flips over on someone.

00:28:35.000 There's not many deaths on roller coasters and stuff like that, really.

00:28:38.000 But there is a lot of getting stuck.

00:28:40.000 And you don't see that much.

00:28:42.000 Have you ever seen the video of the people stuck upside down on a coaster for four hours or something like that? 0.98

00:28:47.000 That's worse than the fucking Final Destination flying off the track. 0.94

00:28:50.000 Can you imagine being upside down that long? 0.99

00:28:53.000 That would be horrible. 1.00

00:28:54.000 And that shit happens all the fucking time. 1.00

00:28:56.000 At first it's scary. 1.00

00:28:57.000 Are you sure?

00:28:58.000 Yes.

00:28:59.000 At first it's super scary. 1.00

00:29:00.000 That shit's all the time. 0.99

00:29:01.000 Because they don't even have to report. 1.00

00:29:02.000 Did they have to report that?

00:29:02.000 There's no one that dies on that.

00:29:05.000 Safety features worked.

00:29:07.000 No one got hurt.

00:29:07.000 Oh my god, that's terrifying.

00:29:09.000 Sickly was saying somebody lost their cowboy hat on one ride and so jumped the fence to get it.

00:29:13.000 Oh no.

00:29:14.000 And as he got it, he picked his head up.

00:29:16.000 Decapitated. 0.95

00:29:16.000 And obliterated his head. 0.95

00:29:18.000 Somebody hit it with a foot. 0.99

00:29:19.000 Oh.

00:29:20.000 Like it was coming through one of those standing things.

00:29:21.000 Oh my god.

00:29:22.000 And their foot got shattered.

00:29:24.000 And he just died instantly.

00:29:26.000 Oh my god.

00:29:27.000 It's like, leave your hat.

00:29:28.000 Oh my god.

00:29:29.000 Don't climb the fence.

00:29:30.000 Those things go like three feet from the ground.

00:29:33.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:29:34.000 People make some fucking terrible decisions, man. 1.00

00:29:37.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:29:38.000 Man, people make some terrible goddamn decisions. 0.99

00:29:41.000 But yeah, those are good days for edibles. 0.99

00:29:43.000 Can you imagine the thought that went through that guy's mind right before that chick's foot went through his mind?

00:29:48.000 Imagine how bad it would hurt.

00:29:50.000 Yeah.

00:29:51.000 Do you even see it coming?

00:29:53.000 I don't know.

00:29:53.000 Do you say, oh my god, I can't get out of here?

00:29:55.000 Oh my god, this is too close to the ground?

00:29:57.000 Yeah, I don't know.

00:29:58.000 If you're looking right at it, as you pick up and then just coming around, yeah, it's too late.

00:30:02.000 How fast did they go?

00:30:03.000 So fast!

00:30:04.000 Well, I know the fastest one was in Abu Dhabi.

00:30:07.000 They had just installed it.

00:30:08.000 And it was a Ferrari-themed one.

00:30:11.000 Because we did a UFC there, Ferrari World.

00:30:14.000 Really? 0.98

00:30:15.000 Yeah, a big, crazy fucking roller coaster with, like, you know... 0.98

00:30:19.000 One of them was listed at over 100 miles an hour, I think. 0.98

00:30:21.000 That's this one.

00:30:23.000 This is the fastest one.

00:30:26.000 This is the newest and fastest.

00:30:28.000 There was one of six flags that said that.

00:30:30.000 This is probably as fast as the one you're talking about.

00:30:32.000 I think this one is new.

00:30:33.000 The one in Ferrari world, I think it's like this year.

00:30:37.000 I'm pretty sure it's the fastest one ever.

00:30:39.000 But if somebody hits your...

00:30:40.000 Head with a foot at 100 miles an hour.

00:30:42.000 Oh my god!

00:30:43.000 Lots of really fast...

00:30:44.000 It would suck for your foot, too, man. 1.00

00:30:46.000 Fucking... 1.00

00:30:47.000 Yeah, her leg got shattered because some douche had to pick up his hat. 1.00

00:30:50.000 His cowboy hat.

00:30:52.000 Yeah, she might walk with a limp forever.

00:30:53.000 Hey, my hat's there.

00:30:54.000 Is there any way I can get it?

00:30:55.000 What a crazy story she'll have, though.

00:30:57.000 You know what freaks me out is those traveling amusement parks that are in parking lots where out of nowhere there's this roller coaster in the parking lot of a Costco.

00:31:06.000 Circus Vargas.

00:31:07.000 Yeah, those Mexican Disney World.

00:31:09.000 All the kids from the store went to Gallup Mushrooms and went to watch it last week, the week before. 1.00

00:31:14.000 That shit's scary, man. 0.99

00:31:15.000 I remember my mom taking me to one of those as a kid and I'm thinking, Mike, mom, that's like bad parenting. 1.00

00:31:20.000 Somebody set that up.

00:31:21.000 You shouldn't have control.

00:31:23.000 You should not be able to choose that for me.

00:31:26.000 That's murder.

00:31:28.000 Yeah, there was always those down, I guess like in New Hampshire.

00:31:32.000 I'm trying to figure out where it would go. 0.94

00:31:34.000 We'd go to one of the beaches, one of the beach towns, and there was like those little fucking carnival things there and just really wonky roller coasters and shit where you like really shouldn't be on it. 0.98

00:31:44.000 It's just erector sets. 0.95

00:31:45.000 They're not even real metal.

00:31:46.000 It's just erector sets.

00:31:47.000 Tons of erector sets. 0.99

00:31:48.000 And they used to have like haunted houses and shit and go into this shitty haunted house. 0.99

00:31:52.000 It was terrible. 0.99

00:31:52.000 It was like a skeleton with like a light bulb on it. 0.99

00:31:56.000 You know, like someone pops up. 1.00

00:32:00.000 I'm like, yeah, yeah, you scared me, you fuck. 1.00

00:32:02.000 It's better than doing nothing. 1.00

00:32:03.000 Yeah.

00:32:04.000 We'll go there.

00:32:04.000 Exactly.

00:32:05.000 God, I wish I could remember exactly what beach all this shit was on, but they were just one whack-ass ride after another. 1.00

00:32:11.000 They were all terrible. 0.99

00:32:12.000 Really?

00:32:13.000 It was awful.

00:32:14.000 Just movements.

00:32:15.000 And they were all just waiting to go flying off the tracks and into the stands.

00:32:19.000 And all those people with their fake IDs at work there would just disappear.

00:32:22.000 All the people that owned it.

00:32:24.000 You know what was really cool that I just thought of is that – I don't know how it was where you guys live, but in haunted houses back in the day in Columbus, Ohio, it used to be like, oh, remember that old house in the corner?

00:32:36.000 They're about to tear it down, but they're going to make it a haunted house the last year.

00:32:40.000 I like that.

00:32:42.000 Seeing it every day as a child driving by that one old crazy house and then knowing it's going to get torn down right after this haunted house, it feels like that house is just even a thousand times more scarier.

00:32:55.000 I remember just going through these old houses looking around going, wow.

00:32:58.000 This is an old creepy house that needs to be torn down, you know?

00:33:01.000 That's a cool idea.

00:33:02.000 Yeah. 0.99

00:33:03.000 Fucking use it. 1.00

00:33:04.000 What's up with those dudes who do that shit on their front lawn on Halloween? 1.00

00:33:07.000 Like turn their front lawn into like a haunted house? 1.00

00:33:11.000 Child molesters?

00:33:12.000 There was one we went trick-or-treating and they had a maze.

00:33:15.000 This guy had built a maze.

00:33:17.000 I'm like, this is just a rape trap.

00:33:19.000 Yeah, exactly. 0.93

00:33:21.000 Built a maze on his front lawn.

00:33:23.000 Have you ever been down to the Venice Canals before like Halloween?

00:33:25.000 No.

00:33:26.000 Oh, they all do up their yards.

00:33:27.000 It's really awesome.

00:33:28.000 Really?

00:33:28.000 That and Christmas lights.

00:33:30.000 The Venice Canals are supposed to be really nice, but I know two people that live there that got robbed.

00:33:34.000 Really?

00:33:34.000 Yeah.

00:33:35.000 Never heard of it.

00:33:35.000 Houses got broken into.

00:33:36.000 Oh, that I could see.

00:33:37.000 Yeah.

00:33:38.000 That I could see.

00:33:39.000 You're right there.

00:33:40.000 Yeah.

00:33:40.000 It's like, you know when you walk on the boardwalk in San Diego or wherever, and you're like, oh, I can see into your living room.

00:33:45.000 Right.

00:33:45.000 Through this glass thing.

00:33:46.000 Yeah.

00:33:47.000 This living room that you're here only on weekends in the summer.

00:33:49.000 Yeah, well, not only that, there's a lot of our celebrities, and they say, you know, they want everybody to know where they live because they think it's like a hip spot. 0.98

00:33:59.000 And then, like, Jesus, stupid, there's not that many houses there. 0.95

00:34:02.000 So people just go wandering around. 1.00

00:34:03.000 Hey, look at that. 1.00

00:34:04.000 That's that chick from that fucking TV show. 1.00

00:34:06.000 Let's break in there. 1.00

00:34:07.000 Why not?

00:34:07.000 They know when you're working.

00:34:08.000 You're working all day. 0.98

00:34:09.000 You've got a 16 hour day job hooker. 1.00

00:34:11.000 I'm in Vancouver on set. 0.99

00:34:12.000 They're like, oh great.

00:34:13.000 They're like, awesome. 0.97

00:34:14.000 We'll rob your house. 0.53

00:34:15.000 Thanks for the heads up. 1.00

00:34:16.000 I'm going to jerk off on your pillow soon. 0.98

00:34:17.000 How many people did that? 1.00

00:34:19.000 Jerked off on their pillow.

00:34:20.000 If you knew you were in Megan Fox's house, I would definitely at least go over to the pillow and just go. 0.97

00:34:26.000 Would you smell her underwear if it was on the ground?

00:34:30.000 If you said it like that, as you pointed to her underwear.

00:34:33.000 But I wouldn't pick two on my own.

00:34:35.000 You wouldn't pick two on your own?

00:34:36.000 No, I don't think so.

00:34:37.000 Is that something all guys do, is sniff underwear?

00:34:39.000 I don't.

00:34:40.000 I'm not into it. 1.00

00:34:42.000 Pussy, yes. 1.00

00:34:42.000 You've done it, though. 1.00

00:34:43.000 You've done it?

00:34:44.000 Of course, I've done a lot of things.

00:34:45.000 Yeah, I've done it.

00:34:45.000 Yes, you've done it.

00:34:46.000 I've masturbated while I was shitting. 1.00

00:34:48.000 Really? 1.00

00:34:49.000 Yeah.

00:34:49.000 Never done that.

00:34:50.000 Let's see if I could.

00:34:52.000 I can.

00:34:53.000 I can.

00:34:54.000 Scientific theory proven.

00:34:55.000 What?

00:34:56.000 Jason keeps his girlfriend's panties in a Ziploc bag when she goes out of town just to keep the smell so he can pull it out.

00:35:03.000 Weird.

00:35:03.000 And I gave her a good tip and he was like, thanks a lot for that tip.

00:35:07.000 Before the girl leaves or his girlfriend leaves, Danielle needs to take her underwear and stuff it inside of her and it's so much better for the smell. 0.99

00:35:14.000 Why don't you just go over there and blow him? 1.00

00:35:18.000 That's what you want to do. 0.99

00:35:19.000 Giving him tips. 1.00

00:35:22.000 Hey, I know you're really fucked up and creepy with underwear. 1.00

00:35:25.000 Here's a way to get a little more fucked up and creepy. 1.00

00:35:28.000 A little bit more smell. 0.99

00:35:29.000 Take them and put them in a zippy.

00:35:30.000 Put them in a little Ziploc bag.

00:35:32.000 Maybe like a little, you can take a little paper towel and moisten it.

00:35:36.000 Sort of like you would do if you're carrying home cigars.

00:35:39.000 Yeah, you should do dryer sheets, something that really holds the smell.

00:35:42.000 Yeah, holds the smell in. 1.00

00:35:43.000 Shove that shit up there, and then get fucking wet. 1.00

00:35:45.000 It's important, because the smell of good pussy is a delicious thing, but the smell of bad pussy is probably the worst smell you can smell next to some horrible chemical shit that's going to kill you. 1.00

00:35:56.000 When you smell a girl that has an yeast infection, that is easily the most... 1.00

00:36:01.000 It's worse than shit. 1.00

00:36:02.000 It's the worst thing to have to ignore. 1.00

00:36:04.000 It's a smell that smells worse than shit. 1.00

00:36:06.000 It really does, right? 1.00

00:36:08.000 Wouldn't you agree? 1.00

00:36:08.000 It's like a worse smell than shit. 1.00

00:36:11.000 It's nature's way of telling you, you don't want this, kid. 1.00

00:36:16.000 It's like trying to scare you off.

00:36:18.000 Nature's trying to scare you off.

00:36:19.000 The worst is when you look...

00:36:21.000 What happens with those things? 1.00

00:36:23.000 First of all, you get that shit on you. 1.00

00:36:24.000 You can get a yeast infection. 1.00

00:36:26.000 A man can get one as well.

00:36:28.000 Who knows what she's got down there?

00:36:30.000 What happens when a guy gets a yeast infection?

00:36:31.000 It smells.

00:36:32.000 It gets creamy.

00:36:33.000 Dick cheese? 0.99

00:36:34.000 Yeah, I get dick cheese. 1.00

00:36:35.000 I think that's what dick cheese is. 0.99

00:36:37.000 What does that mean? 0.92

00:36:38.000 I think it's like some stuff that's not supposed to be there.

00:36:42.000 Some sort of, like, excretion.

00:36:44.000 It's itchy.

00:36:44.000 An excretion?

00:36:45.000 It's an itchy excretion?

00:36:47.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:36:47.000 It comes out of your dick? 1.00

00:36:48.000 Could be from all sorts of pores. 1.00

00:36:50.000 If you have sex with a girl with a... 0.99

00:36:51.000 Yeah, it cheeses up on you. 1.00

00:36:53.000 You can get...

00:36:54.000 It's pretty easy for a girl to get a yeast infection, too. 1.00

00:36:56.000 You know when you see girls putting chocolate syrup on them in porn videos and stuff? 1.00

00:37:00.000 That's sugar. 0.99

00:37:01.000 Sugar makes yeast.

00:37:02.000 That can easily give you a yeast infection. 0.88

00:37:04.000 Brian is the king of information on how to fuck up a corn star's life. 0.61

00:37:10.000 So obviously that's how you get used up a corn star's life. 0.99

00:37:13.000 When you're doing those scenes, which do come up in everyone's life... 0.52

00:37:16.000 You know, lesbians, bags of sugar, whatever, whatever. 1.00

00:37:20.000 That's the afternoons. 0.92

00:37:21.000 Yeah, it's the story of stuff.

00:37:23.000 You're the king of that.

00:37:23.000 Thursday.

00:37:24.000 It's a weird thing, man.

00:37:26.000 Their bodies are like, you know, I mean, we're all of our bodies.

00:37:28.000 We just don't think about it. 0.99

00:37:29.000 Our, you know, housing all sorts of different healthy and non-healthy friendly bacteria, unfriendly bacteria, you know, all sorts of shit on your skin. 0.99

00:37:38.000 And when you have any sort of an imbalance like that, some sort of a It could be for women. 1.00

00:37:42.000 It could be their diet.

00:37:44.000 Stuff they eat makes them have yeast infections. 1.00

00:37:46.000 It could be the black shit underneath your fingernail and you just shove it into the girl's pussy and next thing you know, she's got WD-40 and poop inside her pussy. 1.00

00:37:53.000 Exactly. 1.00

00:37:54.000 Or you could have a dog and she's allergic to dogs. 1.00

00:37:56.000 You start finger banging her and all of a sudden the inside of her pussy swells up and itches. 1.00

00:38:00.000 You ate shrimp at fucking Red Lobster and she's deathly allergic to Red Lobster. 1.00

00:38:06.000 Right. 1.00

00:38:06.000 The red lobster comes out your dick and it's still potent, son. 1.00

00:38:10.000 Tentacle porn. 1.00

00:38:11.000 I wonder if you ate mushrooms and a chick blew you. 1.00

00:38:12.000 Is there any way that a girl can't get an yeast infection then? 1.00

00:38:14.000 It sounds like they're always going to get it no matter what.

00:38:16.000 Keep her legs shut for Jesus Christ. 1.00

00:38:18.000 I wonder if you ate mushrooms and a chick blew you, if she could get some of the effect. 1.00

00:38:21.000 Ooh, I wonder.

00:38:22.000 I wonder if you could.

00:38:23.000 Because I know that you could drink piss, and the piss actually contains psilocybin, and it actually takes the trip to the next level.

00:38:30.000 That's what the shamans tell you you're supposed to do.

00:38:32.000 When you're full on tripping, when you don't think you can get any higher, you're supposed to drink your piss. 0.89

00:38:37.000 And when you drink your piss, it's all that psilocybin that's gone through your system and passes through into your urine. 0.65

00:38:42.000 Your urine is basically sterile. 0.95

00:38:44.000 People worry about drinking it, but it's disgusting in thought. 0.81

00:38:47.000 But in reality, it's really not that big a deal. 1.00

00:38:49.000 People drink it all the time and stay alive and they get stuck on boats and shit. 1.00

00:38:52.000 It's either drink your piss and live or don't drink your piss and die of dehydration. 1.00

00:38:57.000 It's pretty fucking simple. 1.00

00:38:58.000 It's gross. 1.00

00:38:59.000 When you're high as fuck and you drink your piss, apparently the mushrooms kick you into another door. 1.00

00:39:08.000 Brian had a breakthrough mushroom trip that we talked about yesterday where he had seven grams. 1.00

00:39:15.000 Wow, really?

00:39:16.000 Seven grams?

00:39:16.000 The world dissolved and he became a part of some other world.

00:39:20.000 How much did that cost you?

00:39:22.000 They cost me anything.

00:39:23.000 Those are the ones you got last minute?

00:39:24.000 Huh?

00:39:25.000 Those are the ones you got last minute?

00:39:25.000 Yes.

00:39:26.000 What kind of an inside conversation is this, boys?

00:39:28.000 We're talking about a very important thing that happened.

00:39:30.000 You know what I was thinking about?

00:39:31.000 I saw the story of Pixar the other day.

00:39:33.000 Like, where'd you get it?

00:39:34.000 Did you get it from Bob?

00:39:34.000 No.

00:39:34.000 Did you get it from John?

00:39:35.000 What about Timmy?

00:39:36.000 I saw the story of Pixar the other day, and he was talking about how creation of CGI is all like triangles.

00:39:41.000 And when I was having that breakthrough on mushrooms the other day, that's what I was looking at my hand that everything was triangles.

00:39:47.000 And so animation, like a person's face and stuff, it's just tons and tons of triangles.

00:39:52.000 So I'm thinking, wow, what if I broke through and found out that I am a program?

00:39:57.000 And that's when I was seeing my hand that was triangles?

00:39:59.000 I saw the inner programming of my hand?

00:40:01.000 Well, you know, that's a huge scientific theory, believe it or not.

00:40:06.000 That the world is some sort of a computer recreation.

00:40:10.000 That our reality is not, in fact, reality.

00:40:13.000 It's some sort of an artificial reality that's...

00:40:16.000 That's been created.

00:40:17.000 No, it's not even the Matrix.

00:40:18.000 The Matrix idea was that we were using the human body.

00:40:22.000 They had to make it dark and disgusting.

00:40:24.000 The human body had gotten stuck to this machine and it was sucking off all the biological power.

00:40:31.000 Yeah, but mostly that it was just a computer program.

00:40:33.000 Yeah, sort of.

00:40:34.000 But it was also sort of like a devious one that was plotted to keep people down.

00:40:40.000 The idea is that the life that we're living, there is no real world.

00:40:46.000 Everything that you see and encounter is all just a part of your imagination.

00:40:52.000 All of it is.

00:40:53.000 And this world that you live in, the people that you interact with, are all people that you've created.

00:41:00.000 In your mind, in a solipsistic world. 0.99

00:41:02.000 And you would say, well, that's bullshit because I have my own world and I have my own Jesus. 0.99

00:41:05.000 So you're saying that I can do? 0.99

00:41:07.000 Yes.

00:41:08.000 That's the theory.

00:41:09.000 The theory is you have your own universe too.

00:41:11.000 Yeah, of course you'd say that.

00:41:12.000 And our universes interact with each other.

00:41:14.000 Oh, really?

00:41:14.000 And we can change each other.

00:41:15.000 Yeah. 0.98

00:41:16.000 Well, there's a lot of wonky fucking ideas when it comes to, you know, what is reality? 0.98

00:41:21.000 And what is consciousness? 0.98

00:41:23.000 And what is our place here?

00:41:23.000 Wouldn't it be that if you built that universe in your head that everyone else is just a part of your head so they don't really exist?

00:41:28.000 They're just telling you?

00:41:29.000 No.

00:41:29.000 Yeah, but I know that too.

00:41:30.000 In your world, I'm just saying this, but I don't really have any thoughts on my own.

00:41:34.000 The idea would be that there would be more than one universe.

00:41:36.000 The idea would be that everyone would have their own...

00:41:39.000 Well, you could call it a universe.

00:41:41.000 But we all exist on the earth?

00:41:42.000 Yeah, we somehow or another coexist inside each other's universes.

00:41:48.000 Right.

00:41:49.000 And that they're almost completely independent of each other, but when they interact with each other, they can change each other back and forth.

00:41:55.000 It sounds like total ridiculous hippie talk, but if you look at scientific interpretations of what some sort of a computer program of life would be and how detailed it could get...

00:42:09.000 Well, with the exponential increase in technology, it can get absolutely unrecognizable.

00:42:13.000 Computer simulation, one day, will be impossible to stop it from being as real as real life.

00:42:21.000 Impossible.

00:42:22.000 So to say that we are absolutely not in that, when we know what human beings are capable of...

00:42:26.000 We already talked about this quark-glue-on thing, where there's this insanely dense matter...

00:42:31.000 Like the holodeck in Star Trek?

00:42:34.000 That's possible.

00:42:35.000 Yeah, where you just think everything's real and you have people fighting you.

00:42:38.000 That's possible. 1.00

00:42:38.000 All that shit's possible. 1.00

00:42:40.000 This might not be real. 1.00

00:42:41.000 It's possible that... 0.94

00:42:43.000 I mean, it sounds completely ridiculous. 0.99

00:42:45.000 And I'm absolutely agreeing with anyone right now who's going, this is fucking total stoner talk. 0.99

00:42:50.000 Yes, it is. 0.99

00:42:51.000 Yes, it is.

00:42:51.000 But it's also possible.

00:42:53.000 It's possible that reality is some sort of a computer simulation.

00:42:57.000 Okay, so then what?

00:42:59.000 Yeah, that's a big question.

00:43:00.000 When I came out of being sick and puking and going through these phases of just being this body was ill, out of nowhere, I just became better.

00:43:09.000 And I remember laying in bed.

00:43:11.000 Yeah, we talked about this yesterday.

00:43:12.000 I remember laying in bed going, you know what, I think I just died back there in some other world.

00:43:17.000 And in some other world, you are just going, oh my god, you're dead.

00:43:21.000 And this is a whole different...

00:43:23.000 I froze up and I was reset.

00:43:25.000 My program was reset.

00:43:27.000 It might be.

00:43:27.000 Because I felt like, I was like, wait a second, why do I feel 100% right now?

00:43:30.000 And just a couple minutes ago, I was...

00:43:32.000 And to the person out there, to the skeptic, to the cynic, the people out there go, yeah, yeah, yeah, this is what you're doing.

00:43:37.000 You're jacking your brain up with chemicals, and your five senses are being overloaded. 0.61

00:43:44.000 For our limited understanding of this reality and whatever the fuck else is possible out there, just relax on that. 0.95

00:43:52.000 I know what you're saying.

00:43:53.000 I'm with you 100%. 0.99

00:43:54.000 Of course, you're taking drugs and some wacky shit happens when you take the drugs and you think it's real. 1.00

00:44:00.000 Ho, ho, hippie. 1.00

00:44:02.000 What is death?

00:44:03.000 What is life?

00:44:04.000 What is the energy that takes us here and takes us into another place?

00:44:08.000 It's the same thing as liquor where it's like you just barfed and you feel better.

00:44:11.000 What is mushrooms?

00:44:12.000 It's something on this planet.

00:44:13.000 But it's what makes you think that that's what's interesting to worry about.

00:44:18.000 I know.

00:44:19.000 Whatever. 0.94

00:44:20.000 What I'm saying here is what everyone's worrying about is what sounds ridiculous. 0.90

00:44:25.000 But what they're not worrying about is how ridiculous are mushrooms in the first place. 0.81

00:44:29.000 I mean, you're talking about, well, it can't possibly be that you're reacting to a higher consciousness.

00:44:35.000 It's just chemicals in the... 1.00

00:44:36.000 Listen, how crazy is it that there's a fucking little plant that you can eat that can fuck your mind up so deep? 0.99

00:44:46.000 How crazy is it that there's this little thing that's like that? 1.00

00:44:49.000 That's cool.

00:44:49.000 That you can take it and it can take you to a cartoon world of impossible images.

00:44:55.000 That's his defense mechanism as a plant.

00:44:57.000 Is that what it is?

00:44:58.000 Yeah.

00:44:58.000 Just like a jalapeno pepper.

00:45:00.000 But why?

00:45:00.000 It makes you want to eat it.

00:45:01.000 It makes us want to eat it.

00:45:03.000 But the deer's... 0.99

00:45:04.000 That it originally encountered, it told them, like, don't, because it'll fuck you up. 0.97

00:45:07.000 Is that true?

00:45:08.000 Yeah, just like that's...

00:45:09.000 Well, I know that's true with hot peppers, but did you know that the Amanita Muscaria is, like, the number one food for caribou?

00:45:16.000 They love it.

00:45:16.000 Oh, really?

00:45:17.000 Yeah, that crazy red and white snowman-looking Santa Claus mushroom?

00:45:22.000 Yeah.

00:45:23.000 That's the one that...

00:45:24.000 Oh, yeah, that's a cool one.

00:45:25.000 Yeah, it's the Amanita mushroom.

00:45:26.000 That's the one from the...

00:45:27.000 The sacred mushroom in the cross, and that's the one that looks like Santa Claus. 1.00

00:45:31.000 They love that shit. 1.00

00:45:32.000 The reindeer are famous for it. 1.00

00:45:34.000 Really?

00:45:34.000 They just keep eating it?

00:45:35.000 Yeah, that's how the whole shaman Santa Claus myth happened with reindeer.

00:45:38.000 That's how reindeer got in the mix.

00:45:40.000 Oh, cool.

00:45:41.000 See, the whole idea, and if you haven't heard this, it's a crazy theory.

00:45:45.000 I don't know how much of it makes sense.

00:45:48.000 But the idea is that this mushroom represents Santa Claus.

00:45:53.000 And that Santa Claus, when you see this Santa Claus...

00:45:55.000 And you see him, and he's like bringing you packages under the Christmas tree.

00:45:59.000 Well, those packages, those bright, shiny packages, what those packages are is those mushrooms have a micro-rhizal relationship with that tree, with pine trees. 0.99

00:46:08.000 They grow under these fucking pine trees. 0.99

00:46:10.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:46:10.000 And they grow in the forest and people collect them. 1.00

00:46:13.000 And that Santa Claus was a shaman.

00:46:14.000 And the reason why they hung red stockings in front of the fire, those aren't stockings.

00:46:20.000 Those are red mushrooms.

00:46:21.000 Those mushrooms are red and white.

00:46:22.000 They're all red and white.

00:46:24.000 Yeah, they are the colors of Santa Claus.

00:46:25.000 And that's how they dry them out.

00:46:26.000 They would hang them in front of the fireplace.

00:46:28.000 That's how they preserve them.

00:46:29.000 And that's also why they hang them on trees.

00:46:31.000 You hang them on trees to dry them out.

00:46:32.000 Yeah, it's what you make of your reality. 0.97

00:46:34.000 As you're tripping out, you're like, whatever, those drapes become fucking something, a waterfall or something. 0.97

00:46:38.000 What's the poisonous one? 0.93

00:46:39.000 I thought the poisonous one was the red.

00:46:41.000 The Amanita Muscara is a little bit poisonous.

00:46:43.000 Yeah, I thought that was the one to stay away from.

00:46:45.000 Well, when I say poisonous, it's an LD50 rate that you have to worry about.

00:46:51.000 You have to worry about toxicity.

00:46:53.000 There's some that look like psychedelic mushrooms, but they're really toxic.

00:46:57.000 You've got to be really careful.

00:47:00.000 Yeah. 0.97

00:47:00.000 Yeah, there's some that will fuck you up, man. 0.97

00:47:03.000 But it's all in what kills us doesn't kill other things, and what kills other things doesn't kill us. 0.99

00:47:08.000 You know, like sheep.

00:47:09.000 Sheep can't eat DMT. If sheep eat DMT, they fucking fall down to the ground, their little legs stick up, and they have seizures and they die. 0.99

00:47:17.000 Like dogs and chocolate. 1.00

00:47:18.000 Yeah, if they eat grass that has a high DMT content, they're fucked. 1.00

00:47:22.000 Wow. 1.00

00:47:23.000 Yeah.

00:47:23.000 Weird.

00:47:23.000 Look at us.

00:47:24.000 We have it in our brains.

00:47:25.000 We can smoke it and trip out and we're relatively fine.

00:47:29.000 Dogs can't eat chocolate.

00:47:30.000 You know what I'm saying?

00:47:31.000 So when they do tests on other animals, that's one of the things you have to consider.

00:47:35.000 Like, wow, we vary so much.

00:47:37.000 They can take things in differently.

00:47:38.000 Yeah, absolutely.

00:47:38.000 This would be a good time to promote Shroom Fest.

00:47:40.000 Oh, yeah.

00:47:41.000 So tell me about this Shroom Fest thing.

00:47:42.000 I'm organizing International Mushroom Festival.

00:47:44.000 Oh, what are you going to do?

00:47:45.000 June 18th, 19th, and 20th.

00:47:46.000 All over the world, Joe.

00:47:48.000 Wherever people are.

00:47:49.000 So everyone's just going to get on webcams or are you just going to do it?

00:47:51.000 No, we're all just doing shrooms together.

00:47:52.000 I think Brian's got a good addition.

00:47:54.000 Yeah, if people want to tape stuff, take pictures, webcam, absolutely.

00:48:00.000 Get involved.

00:48:01.000 Be a community.

00:48:02.000 Yeah, webcam it up, man.

00:48:03.000 Webcam it up.

00:48:04.000 Yeah, you definitely want people webcamming.

00:48:06.000 Take pictures, take stories.

00:48:07.000 Yeah, on Twitter, we're going to have hashtag ShroomFest.

00:48:09.000 ShroomFest.

00:48:10.000 So anything that goes down with your plans, hashtag that, so we can all look.

00:48:13.000 We can all sort of be together with it.

00:48:14.000 So how do you avoid getting arrested?

00:48:16.000 Well, you know, just like every time we do illegal drugs.

00:48:19.000 Yeah, but this one, you make it very vocal.

00:48:21.000 Oh, how do I avoid getting arrested?

00:48:23.000 June 18th, 19th, and 20th.

00:48:25.000 Mr. Shafir, you want to step out of the house, please?

00:48:26.000 This is the door.

00:48:27.000 It's over here. 1.00

00:48:28.000 I know it looks like a giant gaping vagina with teeth. 1.00

00:48:31.000 This is the door. 0.99

00:48:32.000 I would not be partaking in Shroomfest. 1.00

00:48:34.000 You want to do it?

00:48:35.000 No, I just did it.

00:48:37.000 What if when you do shrooms...

00:48:38.000 I might do it more than once.

00:48:39.000 What if when you do shrooms, you enter into some sort of a zone, or if it wasn't shrooms, maybe some other drug, where there was a zone you could enter where everyone was in the same hallucination?

00:48:49.000 A lot of people say that.

00:48:50.000 All the people that are high, who are out there shrooming all over the world, you all meet in some giant World of Warcraft.

00:48:56.000 That would be cool.

00:48:57.000 That would be dope.

00:48:58.000 When I'm on Shrooms, I was at a music festival in Ottawa when I was on Shrooms, and as I was leaving, as the whole crowd was leaving, I could tell who else was on some sort of hallucinogen.

00:49:05.000 Really?

00:49:05.000 In your head.

00:49:06.000 Oh, absolutely in my head.

00:49:09.000 Everyone's on just antidepressants.

00:49:10.000 Obama, he's on it, I can tell.

00:49:13.000 No, I can tell.

00:49:14.000 You're in the vibe.

00:49:15.000 No, it's Levitra.

00:49:16.000 He leaves me smiling.

00:49:18.000 I smile.

00:49:20.000 Levitra.

00:49:20.000 Nothing scares me more than those Abilify commercials.

00:49:23.000 Nothing scares me more than Ari on Savia.

00:49:25.000 Those Abilify commercials are commercials where your regular antidepressants don't work.

00:49:30.000 So you take this one.

00:49:31.000 What does that one do?

00:49:32.000 And this one can make you suicidal.

00:49:34.000 It can make you homicidal. 1.00

00:49:35.000 It can make you a fucking menace. 1.00

00:49:38.000 But it's for... 1.00

00:49:39.000 Don't cue that shit up, Brian. 1.00

00:49:41.000 It's for people who regular shit ain't working for them. 1.00

00:49:46.000 Yeah. 0.98

00:49:48.000 That's like people barely hanging on.

00:49:50.000 A lot of antidepressants make you suicidal. 1.00

00:49:53.000 What the fuck? 1.00

00:49:54.000 They gotta be real careful and start you in slow doses. 1.00

00:49:55.000 What a crazy catch-22 there.

00:49:58.000 So if you feel more than normal, tell me immediately.

00:50:01.000 You want to talk about Ari and Salvia?

00:50:04.000 Yeah, we can talk about it eventually.

00:50:05.000 We're talking about Shroomfest, man. 0.97

00:50:07.000 So, yeah, I'm trying to get everyone to fucking do it, to join in. 0.96

00:50:10.000 Tons of people at the Comedy Store are doing it. 0.98

00:50:12.000 Tons of people.

00:50:13.000 I might do it a couple times.

00:50:15.000 I might be in Vegas for the 18th.

00:50:16.000 Are you just going to sit in your house and do it all?

00:50:18.000 No, no, no.

00:50:19.000 So explain to me Shroomfest.

00:50:20.000 What is the concept behind it and what are you trying to do? 0.89

00:50:23.000 Everybody, let's all fucking do it together. 0.54

00:50:24.000 Let's all do it together. 0.99

00:50:25.000 Let's all make an excuse just to do some shrooms.

00:50:27.000 They're awesome.

00:50:27.000 Everyone should experience them.

00:50:29.000 Here's the reason.

00:50:30.000 Just for the sake of the thing.

00:50:31.000 How many freakouts do you think you're going to cause worldwide?

00:50:34.000 Plenty.

00:50:35.000 When I was planning it, I was deciding, when should we do this?

00:50:37.000 And I thought Monday would be the best day, because let's stay away from the squares.

00:50:40.000 They'll be at work.

00:50:41.000 Let's not get involved in it.

00:50:43.000 So many people were asking me, they're like, but I want to do it, but I can't take off a day of work.

00:50:47.000 Yeah, man.

00:50:48.000 Your problem is you're only going to get the societal outcasts.

00:50:52.000 So I added Saturday and Sunday.

00:50:54.000 Uh-huh.

00:50:54.000 Oh, nice.

00:50:55.000 So Saturday, Sunday, and Monday?

00:50:56.000 Saturday, Sunday, Monday.

00:50:57.000 I went until high school was over.

00:50:58.000 Right.

00:50:58.000 So kids didn't have to worry about schools and finals.

00:51:01.000 Wow.

00:51:01.000 So somebody's going to do something bad and they can blame you, though.

00:51:04.000 No, you've got to take responsibility for yourself and your own actions.

00:51:07.000 It seems like that's not a good idea to promote a day of...

00:51:09.000 Well, if I say everybody come out for a July 4th barbecue and somebody dies on the way there, it's the same way.

00:51:15.000 It's like, be careful.

00:51:15.000 Be careful.

00:51:16.000 Yeah, you shouldn't do it in drive.

00:51:18.000 Nobody should drive on mushrooms.

00:51:19.000 Absolutely not.

00:51:20.000 If that's the point you're making, good point.

00:51:22.000 Yeah, don't do anything reckless at all.

00:51:24.000 But have some fun.

00:51:25.000 Organize a party.

00:51:25.000 Go to a beach.

00:51:26.000 Go to a barbecue.

00:51:27.000 Go to a music festival.

00:51:28.000 There's worse things that we could do with our time.

00:51:30.000 You're talking about portobello mushrooms too.

00:51:32.000 No, I'm talking about psychedelic mushrooms.

00:51:34.000 Make no bones about it.

00:51:36.000 I'm clearly talking about illegal mushrooms.

00:51:38.000 But I'm still saying, let's all do it.

00:51:40.000 Start looking now.

00:51:41.000 Find your shrooms. 0.99

00:51:42.000 Ask a waiter.

00:51:43.000 Ask whoever your stoner friends.

00:51:45.000 They'll know how to get it.

00:51:46.000 If your waiter has more than one tattoo, Yeah, ask him.

00:51:50.000 Ask him.

00:51:50.000 That's a good source.

00:51:51.000 Yeah.

00:51:52.000 Especially if he's got good tattoos.

00:51:53.000 If they don't have it, they'll tell you where to get it.

00:51:56.000 You know, if you tip well.

00:51:57.000 Yeah.

00:51:58.000 Well, where would you go?

00:51:59.000 Would you go to a bar?

00:52:00.000 Ask a waiter at a bar?

00:52:01.000 That's the best move, right?

00:52:02.000 I would say like a Houston's.

00:52:04.000 Houston's?

00:52:04.000 A Houston's?

00:52:05.000 Just because my roommate used to work there and he was like, yeah, we all had weed.

00:52:08.000 I would say Guitar Center.

00:52:09.000 That'd be a good idea, too.

00:52:10.000 You know?

00:52:11.000 You have to convince him that you're not a cop.

00:52:12.000 Right.

00:52:13.000 Because it's very weird.

00:52:14.000 Like, do you want any mushrooms that are illegal for me to purchase from you, sir?

00:52:20.000 There was another woman who was a cop who coerced some guys into getting her drugs. 1.00

00:52:26.000 And then they arrested the guys for drugs.

00:52:28.000 Really?

00:52:29.000 Yeah, the guy was saying that he could get...

00:52:30.000 It was somewhere near San Diego.

00:52:32.000 I forget where it was.

00:52:33.000 And I bring this up because yesterday we were talking about that ridiculous case where the woman went to high school. 0.92

00:52:38.000 Not just one woman, but a bunch of different people went to high school and pretended to be high school students. 1.00

00:52:43.000 And they were cops.

00:52:44.000 Undercover cops.

00:52:45.000 They busted all these people for weed. 0.69

00:52:46.000 Wow.

00:52:47.000 You didn't hear about this?

00:52:48.000 No. 1.00

00:52:48.000 Damn, that's fucking rude, man. 1.00

00:52:51.000 That's when you're just being the man. 1.00

00:52:53.000 What are you doing?

00:52:54.000 Why are you hurting those people?

00:52:55.000 28 arrests so far, more to come. 1.00

00:52:56.000 Fuck. 1.00

00:52:58.000 But my point is, when you ask someone, say if you're talking to a child and you're an adult, this woman has got to be at least 19 to be a cop, right? 1.00

00:53:10.000 And she's talking to some kids.

00:53:13.000 How much smarter are you than them? 1.00

00:53:15.000 When you're 19 and they're 15, you're so much fucking smarter than them, man. 1.00

00:53:18.000 You could talk them into doing all kinds of shit. 1.00

00:53:21.000 That's why there's statutory rape laws. 1.00

00:53:22.000 Yeah.

00:53:23.000 Because you can talk them into it.

00:53:24.000 Dude, you barely talk normal as it is. 1.00

00:53:26.000 You got a mouthful of fucking food. 1.00

00:53:29.000 That's why there's statutory rape laws. 1.00

00:53:32.000 It's so crummy, too.

00:53:33.000 What are you eating?

00:53:34.000 A cookie.

00:53:34.000 I have a basketball game tonight.

00:53:35.000 Oh.

00:53:36.000 I played with a cookie on the other day.

00:53:38.000 Nice.

00:53:38.000 Oh, a pot cookie.

00:53:39.000 Oh, yeah.

00:53:39.000 Oh, okay.

00:53:40.000 It just says it like we're just supposed to know.

00:53:43.000 But I played basketball at the park with all my comic friends.

00:53:46.000 I shot lights out.

00:53:47.000 I took a Jolly Rancher two hours before.

00:53:49.000 And I was on fire.

00:53:50.000 I've never played that good.

00:53:51.000 Ever.

00:53:52.000 Not in high school.

00:53:53.000 Never been that good.

00:53:53.000 It gives you a certain sensitivity.

00:53:55.000 Everything slowed down.

00:53:56.000 The ball came at you.

00:53:57.000 You're like, okay, I can catch that.

00:53:58.000 Should I pass it on?

00:53:59.000 Should I work for a shot?

00:54:00.000 Well, here it comes.

00:54:01.000 I should grab it now.

00:54:02.000 You should try a pool on it.

00:54:04.000 You tried pool on it?

00:54:05.000 No, I just did my first poker tournament. 0.99

00:54:06.000 Dude, you can play the fuck out of some pool when you're high. 0.98

00:54:09.000 You feel where the ball's going. 0.99

00:54:11.000 I've done that.

00:54:11.000 I play pool high.

00:54:12.000 I'm just never on an edible, I don't think.

00:54:13.000 Yeah, the edible's the way to go.

00:54:15.000 Regular high is good, but there's something...

00:54:17.000 What the edible does to me is it tunes the whole body in. 0.98

00:54:22.000 Whereas pot, when you smoke it, it goes blast right to your head, and you're high as fuck, but your body's not as in tune the way it is with an edible. 0.87

00:54:29.000 Edible does something where the whole thing hits the same frequency. 0.98

00:54:34.000 You get a control over your body, a feeling over your body.

00:54:37.000 That's why sex is so good.

00:54:39.000 Right, Brian? 0.99

00:54:40.000 Edibles.

00:54:41.000 When you're high.

00:54:41.000 It's like hot squared.

00:54:42.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:54:42.000 It's crazy shit. 1.00

00:54:44.000 I think in these Jolly Ranchers lately, it's like doing Vicodin immediately. 1.00

00:54:47.000 Really?

00:54:48.000 Wait, what does that mean?

00:54:49.000 Just like super body numbness.

00:54:51.000 So you just don't lie there?

00:54:52.000 Really?

00:54:52.000 Or do you just not feel anything?

00:54:54.000 Everything feels numb. 1.00

00:54:55.000 But Vicodins just make me stupid as fuck. 1.00

00:54:57.000 I can't take those things. 1.00

00:54:59.000 Yeah, that part of the Vicodin, it doesn't do that.

00:55:01.000 It doesn't do that?

00:55:01.000 No, it's just more of like a body...

00:55:03.000 Man, that's all I associate with Vicodins.

00:55:05.000 I got Vicodins after my first ACL operation.

00:55:08.000 The first one I did, they did what's called a patella tendon graft.

00:55:12.000 And what that is, is the patella tendon is a really big, fat, thick tendon.

00:55:17.000 And what they do is they drill a hole...

00:55:21.000 And they cut the bone out.

00:55:23.000 They cut a section of the bone out and slice the tendon and then cut a section of the bone out where it connects in your shin.

00:55:29.000 And then they open you up like a fish and they screw it into the bottom with a screw and they screw it into the top of the screw and it sets and eventually becomes like really strong like it is now. 0.96

00:55:40.000 But the fucking pain of these screws that they put in the bone of your shin It's hard to describe, man. 0.97

00:55:49.000 It's Frankenstein. 0.99

00:55:50.000 It's fucking hard to describe. 0.99

00:55:51.000 And I was lying on the couch. 0.99

00:55:53.000 I had my second one done with a cadaver, and it was way easier.

00:55:56.000 It was nowhere near the pain.

00:55:58.000 But I would get off the couch, and it would be like lava.

00:56:02.000 Like someone took a pitchfork and just dipped it in hot lava.

00:56:07.000 Just burning? 1.00

00:56:07.000 And just shoving it into your asshole. 1.00

00:56:10.000 That's how bad it hurt. 1.00

00:56:12.000 It was fucking intense. 0.99

00:56:14.000 And so they gave me some Vicodins. 0.99

00:56:16.000 Every time I'd get up off the couch, it was really temporary.

00:56:18.000 It would only last like maybe 30 seconds or a minute. 0.99

00:56:21.000 But the fucking pain was... 0.99

00:56:23.000 I never felt anything like that. 0.99

00:56:26.000 I'd had broken bones.

00:56:27.000 I'd been sick.

00:56:29.000 I've had a lot of real bad moments.

00:56:32.000 Don't tell me you refused the Vicodin. 0.99

00:56:34.000 I fucking got rid of them. 0.99

00:56:35.000 Got rid of them after one day. 1.00

00:56:36.000 Because I took it and I was sitting on the couch and I was so fucked up. 1.00

00:56:40.000 I was so dumb. 1.00

00:56:42.000 I was so dull. 0.99

00:56:44.000 My mouth was open.

00:56:45.000 And I was watching MTV. And I remember thinking, I will never do these again.

00:56:50.000 I don't give a fuck about the pain.

00:56:52.000 I don't ever want to feel like this. 1.00

00:56:53.000 I just felt stupid as fuck. 1.00

00:56:56.000 And I don't know, man. 1.00

00:56:57.000 Maybe it's just me.

00:56:58.000 Because the dudes at the pool hall loved them. 0.99

00:57:00.000 They bought those shits off me with the quickness. 0.99

00:57:03.000 Can I have those? 1.00

00:57:05.000 Yeah, man. 0.96

00:57:05.000 Before I even fucking offered, my friend Jeff was like, Hey, bud. 0.96

00:57:09.000 Hey, you got some vikonins? 0.97

00:57:11.000 You trying to get rid of those things, bud? 0.98

00:57:12.000 Like, how'd you even fucking hear? 1.00

00:57:14.000 You vultures. 0.99

00:57:15.000 They knew. 1.00

00:57:16.000 Like, yeah, this stuff sucks. 0.98

00:57:18.000 I just didn't like how they constipated me. 0.98

00:57:20.000 They give you constipation, too?

00:57:22.000 Really?

00:57:23.000 How many times have you guys done these things?

00:57:24.000 No, I took them for my knee surgery.

00:57:25.000 I had to take them for like a week or two.

00:57:27.000 Yeah? 0.98

00:57:27.000 And I didn't get the crazy stupid stuff, but I did get a... 0.98

00:57:30.000 You had a meniscus. 1.00

00:57:32.000 Uh-huh. 0.95

00:57:32.000 Meniscus. 0.95

00:57:33.000 Meniscus.

00:57:33.000 I was getting a bone crack.

00:57:34.000 Not the...

00:57:34.000 Oh, you had a bone crack.

00:57:35.000 Yeah.

00:57:36.000 Ooh, had the bone crack.

00:57:37.000 It's all...

00:57:38.000 I don't know.

00:57:38.000 Did you get like heel hooked or something?

00:57:40.000 Did someone catch you in something?

00:57:42.000 I honestly think it was kettlebells.

00:57:44.000 Kettlebells.

00:57:44.000 Just because the next time I did kettlebells, after I came back from PT, from physical therapy, I could feel a tweak.

00:57:49.000 Really?

00:57:50.000 I was like, this is what it was.

00:57:52.000 I thought it might have been before, because it was around the same time as I did some of those.

00:57:56.000 They really add to your power.

00:57:58.000 Your problem was you went for this long period of time where you weren't in shape, and then all of a sudden you threw yourself into jiu-jitsu class.

00:58:06.000 It was after a year, though.

00:58:07.000 It wasn't right away.

00:58:08.000 You were getting some breakdowns.

00:58:11.000 It's hard, and you don't eat that good.

00:58:13.000 No, not good.

00:58:15.000 No, not any good at all.

00:58:17.000 We talked about that.

00:58:18.000 I'm like, if you really want to do this, you have to take vitamins and you have to eat well.

00:58:22.000 I'm really trying to get my candy intake to where I want it.

00:58:27.000 Well, I'm suffering greatly in the Jujifruit category.

00:58:30.000 Jujifruit?

00:58:30.000 Uh-huh.

00:58:31.000 All the sort of Jujis? 1.00

00:58:32.000 Never was a fan of anything other than chocolate.

00:58:34.000 What?

00:58:34.000 I would try other things.

00:58:35.000 Oh, live your life, man.

00:58:36.000 Get out there.

00:58:37.000 I'd try them.

00:58:38.000 You know, I'd try, like, go crazy, get a little Sour Patch Kids.

00:58:42.000 Melon rings.

00:58:43.000 I'd have some chocolate.

00:58:44.000 Melon rings are good, too.

00:58:45.000 Melon rings.

00:58:45.000 Melon rings?

00:58:46.000 Gummy melon rings.

00:58:48.000 Not really a Melon Rings fan.

00:58:50.000 Squirty Gummy Bears, Peanut...

00:58:54.000 Brian's trying to have the same voice in the same conversation when he's 80. Oh, Squirty Gummy Bears.

00:59:00.000 Yeah, melon slices. 0.95

00:59:02.000 They're all going to think he's a pedophile.

00:59:03.000 He's like, listen, I just never grew up.

00:59:05.000 I'm the same guy.

00:59:06.000 Tell us about 9-11. 0.93

00:59:07.000 Well, these terrorist abinos... 1.00

00:59:09.000 That was back when you can get Twizzlers at the corner store. 0.62

00:59:13.000 Go to the gas station and get Twizzlers before they made them illegal.

00:59:18.000 One day, Twizzlers will stop paying.

00:59:21.000 The government will be like, why would you think you should be able to eat those?

00:59:24.000 They do nothing but bad for you. 1.00

00:59:25.000 The government will come in, bitches, you know your shit's poisonous. 1.00

00:59:28.000 Shut everything down. 1.00

00:59:31.000 Someone has to come to the absolute conclusion that that's what's happening with cigarettes. 0.99

00:59:37.000 There's no other fucking way cigarettes would still be legal. 0.98

00:59:41.000 They're paying the government to keep cigarettes legal. 0.99

00:59:44.000 There's just no way around it.

00:59:45.000 If there's one thing that's killing 350 to 400,000 people every year...

00:59:54.000 Americans?

00:59:55.000 Worldwide?

00:59:56.000 Americans.

00:59:57.000 Wrap your head around that.

00:59:58.000 300,000 Americans every year?

00:59:59.000 300,000 Americans plus every year.

01:00:03.000 So that's like...

01:00:04.000 Dead from cigarettes.

01:00:05.000 A tenth of one percent of the country.

01:00:07.000 Well, look, they were going to die eventually.

01:00:08.000 One out of every thousand people dies?

01:00:10.000 Yeah.

01:00:10.000 Every year?

01:00:11.000 Oh, yeah.

01:00:12.000 Wow.

01:00:13.000 That's a lot.

01:00:13.000 Yeah, that should totally be legal.

01:00:15.000 That should give you like a year.

01:00:15.000 Every six and a half minutes.

01:00:19.000 I'm pulling this out of my ass, so we'll just Google it. 0.99

01:00:21.000 It's every six and a half minutes somebody dies. 1.00

01:00:23.000 Really?

01:00:24.000 In America or the world?

01:00:25.000 I don't know.

01:00:26.000 You don't know.

01:00:28.000 I'd say in the world.

01:00:29.000 I don't know.

01:00:31.000 We're just guessing.

01:00:32.000 Why?

01:00:33.000 Why even say?

01:00:34.000 Because I can't imagine the commercial going 6-9 minutes.

01:00:37.000 It's even crazier.

01:00:38.000 It's even crazier.

01:00:40.000 Worldwide, tobacco deaths are more than 5 million per year.

01:00:46.000 Wow.

01:00:47.000 Whoa.

01:00:47.000 Now how many of those are counting somebody?

01:00:50.000 Here we go, the most recent statistics.

01:00:52.000 America, 2011. 443,000 U.S. deaths attributed.

01:00:59.000 It's only been five months?

01:01:01.000 No, each year.

01:01:02.000 They're saying each year.

01:01:04.000 Sorry, I didn't read the full sentence to you.

01:01:06.000 What is it?

01:01:07.000 Each year, an estimated 443,000 people die prematurely from smoking or exposure to secondhand smoke And another 8.6 million live with a serious illness caused by smoking.

01:01:21.000 Oh yeah, they have people like that.

01:01:22.000 They don't die, but they have a tracheotomy.

01:01:23.000 Dude, that is not just tracheotomy.

01:01:26.000 How about people who have iron lungs?

01:01:27.000 How about people that are slowly dying?

01:01:29.000 Iron lungs? 0.98

01:01:29.000 Is that still around? 0.98

01:01:30.000 Fuck yeah, it is. 1.00

01:01:30.000 People still have iron lungs? 1.00

01:01:32.000 You see them at the airport, man.

01:01:34.000 They're carrying around.

01:01:35.000 There's some people that have iron lungs.

01:01:36.000 The thing where it forces you to breathe in and out.

01:01:38.000 I'm sure that exists.

01:01:40.000 But how about the people that are connected to those tanks?

01:01:42.000 They bring them everywhere.

01:01:43.000 The things that are in their nostrils.

01:01:45.000 You know what it is, man.

01:01:46.000 I saw a guy like that at the gun range.

01:01:48.000 He had that thing in his scooter.

01:01:49.000 In the back, next to his rifle, who was also in the back.

01:01:52.000 Well, for some people, I shouldn't say you know who it is, because for some people, I'm sure they have to use that because of an actual disease they didn't get from smoking.

01:01:58.000 But it's amazing, man.

01:02:00.000 Those numbers are really scary.

01:02:03.000 The numbers are...

01:02:04.000 The trippy thing about them is that it's never discussed.

01:02:07.000 You know, they'll talk about 3,000 people that died during 9-11, and...

01:02:10.000 No one's saying that that's not a big deal.

01:02:12.000 It is a big deal and it's a horrible thing.

01:02:13.000 But 443,000 people are rotting to death, choking on their own fluid that's building up in their rotten lungs.

01:02:24.000 They drown.

01:02:26.000 They drown in their own fluid.

01:02:27.000 They literally can't get oxygen into their lungs anymore.

01:02:30.000 They fill up with fluid and they die a horrible death.

01:02:33.000 They have to strap them down.

01:02:36.000 That's a thousand people a day.

01:02:37.000 That's more than a thousand people a day.

01:02:40.000 Criminy.

01:02:41.000 Yeah.

01:02:42.000 That's a lot.

01:02:42.000 Yeah, that should totally be illegal.

01:02:44.000 They should give you some time.

01:02:45.000 That's so scary.

01:02:47.000 Six months.

01:02:48.000 Six months to a year.

01:02:48.000 Yeah.

01:02:49.000 We're like, it's going to happen here.

01:02:50.000 No, six months.

01:02:50.000 I don't think it should be illegal.

01:02:52.000 I think you should be able to do whatever the fuck you want, man. 0.97

01:02:53.000 Well, the secondhand smoke makes me think that they should do what they're doing in terms of not in public. 0.99

01:02:58.000 That's scary when you have a spouse or children and you're smoking in your apartment.

01:03:03.000 That's a lot of people are doing that and those kids are getting sick.

01:03:06.000 Yeah.

01:03:06.000 That's a scary thing.

01:03:07.000 Do you know it's against the law now in California to drive in a car with anyone under the age of 18?

01:03:13.000 Even if it's your own kids.

01:03:15.000 And smoke.

01:03:15.000 Cigarettes.

01:03:16.000 Yep.

01:03:16.000 Oh, and smoke.

01:03:17.000 Yeah, and smoke.

01:03:18.000 Yeah, I was like, what are you talking about? 1.00

01:03:19.000 What the fuck are you talking about? 0.99

01:03:20.000 Why are you taking your kids to school? 1.00

01:03:21.000 That's ridiculous. 0.97

01:03:23.000 You're like, really? 1.00

01:03:25.000 There's only one way to keep kids from fucking. 1.00

01:03:27.000 We have to keep them at home. 1.00

01:03:30.000 Don't drive them around. 1.00

01:03:31.000 They just fuck. 1.00

01:03:32.000 But that's one thing I do remember as a kid. 1.00

01:03:35.000 My friend's mom always driving us to the bowling alley every weekend because we were in bowling leagues and smoking the whole way there with the windows open.

01:03:43.000 And as a kid, I remember going, this is disgusting.

01:03:45.000 And I told my mom the other day about it. 0.93

01:03:47.000 Well, here you are smoking.

01:03:48.000 Yeah, that's exactly probably one of the reasons why that or my grandfather always smoking.

01:03:53.000 You know, everyone smoked around me as a kid.

01:03:56.000 That's definitely not why.

01:03:58.000 The reason why is because you put a cigarette in your mouth, and you light it, and you smoke it.

01:04:02.000 That's why you're smoking cigarettes.

01:04:04.000 But the reason I ever got to the point where I would do that is because I grew up with everyone around me smoking.

01:04:09.000 That's possible, but I grew up around people smoking.

01:04:12.000 My mom smoked when I was a little kid.

01:04:14.000 She quit. 1.00

01:04:15.000 I think she quit when I was like 10, something like that.

01:04:17.000 I would have tried a cigarette eventually if they were completely illegal.

01:04:21.000 Really?

01:04:21.000 When I was born, if they were illegal, I would have eventually found one and tried it.

01:04:25.000 We all tried them together when I was like 15. My sister stuck with it for a long time, man.

01:04:30.000 She kept smoking for years.

01:04:32.000 She quit now, but it's not easy, man.

01:04:37.000 Brian will tell you.

01:04:38.000 Joey will tell you.

01:04:39.000 You can tell everybody.

01:04:41.000 You guys are currently addicted.

01:04:44.000 So the debate whether she was six months or a year is still open.

01:04:47.000 It's just amazing.

01:04:49.000 It's amazing that the government can somehow or another allow this.

01:04:52.000 That they can pretend they're looking out for our interests. 1.00

01:04:55.000 Stop fucking high school kids from selling weed. 1.00

01:04:58.000 Get some people. 1.00

01:04:59.000 Pay our own tax dollars or have some chick play 21 Jump Street. 1.00

01:05:03.000 Go in and get some weed off some kids.

01:05:06.000 They didn't even uncover anything other than weed.

01:05:09.000 You know what that makes me?

01:05:10.000 That makes me happy about our new generation.

01:05:12.000 The kids coming up.

01:05:13.000 Yeah, they got arrested for weed, but look, what are they doing?

01:05:16.000 Yeah.

01:05:16.000 They're just smoking some weed and trying to bang some cop.

01:05:20.000 That's right, exactly. 0.89

01:05:21.000 I'm trying to get laid.

01:05:22.000 I had these people in Central Washington in my show that they had no teeth in their smile.

01:05:27.000 Whoa.

01:05:27.000 So I was like, is that a meth situation?

01:05:30.000 And he goes, he holds up his drink.

01:05:32.000 He goes, seven years sober, man. 1.00

01:05:33.000 And I was like, fuck yeah. 0.99

01:05:34.000 I was like, wait, you're holding up a beer. 1.00

01:05:36.000 Yeah.

01:05:37.000 But you know what he said to me? 0.99

01:05:38.000 He goes, you don't think there's a difference between a fucking drink at a comedy club and meth? 0.95

01:05:42.000 And I was like, you're absolutely right, and I apologize. 0.98

01:05:45.000 There's a complete difference.

01:05:46.000 How funny is that, man?

01:05:47.000 Yeah.

01:05:48.000 How funny is that?

01:05:50.000 Yeah, and I was like, you're not even sober.

01:05:51.000 I'm like, of course you are.

01:05:53.000 Hey, you need to take her advice from that little Esther chick. 1.00

01:05:55.000 She says a lot of cool shit on Twitter. 0.99

01:05:57.000 Revice? 0.99

01:05:58.000 Advice.

01:05:59.000 Here's what little Esther just said on Twitter.

01:06:01.000 Everyone that's in a relationship is delusional.

01:06:06.000 Little Lester, stop. 1.00

01:06:08.000 Move away from the fucking keyboard. 1.00

01:06:10.000 This is getting too transparent. 1.00

01:06:12.000 I'm starting to feel ill. 0.99

01:06:14.000 There's a new breed of people who love taking shit public. 1.00

01:06:17.000 They love throwing shit out there. 1.00

01:06:19.000 That's just silliness. 1.00

01:06:20.000 Just so the person who has offended them will know they're talking about them.

01:06:24.000 There's a little of that.

01:06:26.000 That's a little bit, I'm sure, in that statement.

01:06:29.000 That's the kind of thing you say when you're 21 and you think you really have an answer.

01:06:34.000 That's the saddest thing about life.

01:06:35.000 You get older, you get more questions.

01:06:37.000 Yeah, you realize, but you accept that there are no answers to a lot of things.

01:06:40.000 You're just able to accept that. 0.99

01:06:41.000 That's a tough fucking sell, man. 0.99

01:06:43.000 That one moment where you have to give in and accept that there are no fucking answers. 0.99

01:06:48.000 We all know that that's what turns people to religion. 0.95

01:06:51.000 You were much more religious than I was when I was a kid, but I was very religious for a little while.

01:06:56.000 When my parents were breaking up when I was five, before I went to Catholic school and they cured me.

01:06:59.000 Yeah.

01:07:00.000 They cured me in Catholic school.

01:07:01.000 Cured your religion? 1.00

01:07:02.000 Fucking cunt nun. 1.00

01:07:04.000 This evil woman. 1.00

01:07:05.000 This woman was, she was just rot. 1.00

01:07:08.000 Rot? 0.95

01:07:08.000 That's what she was. 0.95

01:07:09.000 She was just a bad person.

01:07:10.000 Sister Mary Josephine. 0.99

01:07:11.000 She was just rot. 1.00

01:07:12.000 She was a rotten person. 1.00

01:07:14.000 Like, everything was bad about her. 1.00

01:07:16.000 She started yelling at me the first day of fucking school. 1.00

01:07:18.000 God, why? 1.00

01:07:19.000 She was just evil, man. 1.00

01:07:21.000 She was just an evil bitch. 1.00

01:07:22.000 She's dead now, you think? 1.00

01:07:23.000 How old was she then? 1.00

01:07:24.000 Yeah, she was old as fuck. 1.00

01:07:25.000 She was old as fuck when I was like six. 0.99

01:07:28.000 But I remember thinking, while I was getting through school, every day I lived in terror. 0.99

01:07:33.000 It was just fucking so mean. 0.99

01:07:35.000 But while I was getting through school, I remember thinking, well, now I have to figure out what the fuck is going on. 0.99

01:07:41.000 Because clearly it's not religion. 0.97

01:07:43.000 Because I thought when I went to church when I was a little kid, when I was like three and four and five, you know, church to me was like my whole life was falling apart.

01:07:50.000 My parents were getting divorced.

01:07:52.000 I didn't know what was going on.

01:07:53.000 My dad was super violent.

01:07:54.000 And I was just starting to realize that he beat my mom up for no reason.

01:07:57.000 So to me, there has to be God.

01:08:00.000 There has to be something.

01:08:01.000 When I would go to church with my grandparents or whoever took me, I would say, well, this is beautiful.

01:08:09.000 Everybody here is being nice and God be with you.

01:08:11.000 And they're all saying nice things.

01:08:13.000 And they're telling you if you do the right thing, you go to heaven and all the sins on earth disappear and dissolve. 1.00

01:08:19.000 But this cunt was so evil. 1.00

01:08:21.000 And she was connected to this. 1.00

01:08:22.000 I was like, wow.

01:08:23.000 Wow. 0.99

01:08:23.000 She was like the shittiest salesperson for a religion of all time. 0.99

01:08:26.000 Yeah, they don't get the right spokesman. 0.93

01:08:28.000 But that's like one of the cool things about being Catholic. 1.00

01:08:31.000 The religion is so ridiculous. 0.99

01:08:33.000 Very few people completely agree with it. 1.00

01:08:35.000 It's so over-the-top stupid and ridiculous. 1.00

01:08:38.000 I mean, there was a story last week about one of the head guys in the Pope's whole thing about pedophilia. 1.00

01:08:46.000 He got arrested for pedophilia. 1.00

01:08:49.000 This motherfucker got arrested for... 1.00

01:08:51.000 He was trying to get Moroccans to deliver him young boys. 1.00

01:08:56.000 And he was telling them to get them from kids who had troubled childhoods.

01:08:59.000 And what was his position?

01:09:01.000 He was in charge of the pedophilia to make sure that the priest didn't do it.

01:09:07.000 He was the guy that the Pope put in charge of making sure that doesn't happen.

01:09:12.000 He was their...

01:09:13.000 What's the branch of the cops that investigates their own?

01:09:15.000 The...

01:09:18.000 I've watched enough TV shows.

01:09:19.000 Peter Protectors?

01:09:19.000 No.

01:09:21.000 But yeah, so those people...

01:09:22.000 Here is a story.

01:09:23.000 A priest in the archdiocese of a top advisor to Pope Benedict XVI was arrested Friday on pedophilia and drug charges.

01:09:34.000 And they have all the papers of this dude asking... 0.99

01:09:39.000 They have emails and shit of him asking for boys and wanting them from backgrounds where they didn't have a family and they're all fucked up. 0.99

01:09:48.000 How ridiculous is the guy that was in charge to make sure that didn't happen? 0.99

01:09:52.000 This is one of the things he wrote. 0.94

01:09:55.000 I do not want 16-year-old boys but younger. 1.00

01:09:57.000 14-year-olds are okay.

01:09:59.000 Look for needy boys who have family issues.

01:10:04.000 He was trading cocaine for boys, and that the Vatican knew about the problem for decades.

01:10:10.000 Listen, man, they're all creepy.

01:10:12.000 That's the worst part.

01:10:13.000 I understand.

01:10:14.000 If a priest does something, that's not the whole organization's fault. 1.00

01:10:17.000 Dude, they've been doing this shit forever, man. 1.00

01:10:19.000 They've been doing this shit forever. 1.00

01:10:22.000 Yeah, they back it up. 1.00

01:10:26.000 Make it disappear.

01:10:27.000 If you don't arrest them, you're backing it up.

01:10:28.000 This pope, when he was a bishop, this one that's currently in now, they have all sorts of paperwork showing that he was shielding child molesters.

01:10:36.000 He was moving them.

01:10:37.000 He was moving them from one place to another and trying to get them to avoid prosecution.

01:10:42.000 It's amazing. 0.99

01:10:43.000 It's amazing that anybody would take any of this shit seriously. 0.99

01:10:46.000 They can still do this and they can still have meetings with Obama. 1.00

01:10:50.000 Everyone can still pretend this is some insane... 0.81

01:10:53.000 The representatives of evil?

01:10:54.000 And you're going to tell me...

01:10:55.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:10:55.000 It's a fucking cult of kid fuckers. 1.00

01:10:57.000 That's what it is. 1.00

01:10:58.000 Why is this not, like, on the front page of CNN? Why is that the only article about this was from some, you know, translated from some Italian newspaper?

01:11:06.000 People don't want to hear about it, man.

01:11:06.000 You know, like, why aren't they collecting all these facts and, like, really talking about this on mainstream news?

01:11:11.000 It's in the New York Times, bro.

01:11:11.000 I think some of it might be also people are just tired.

01:11:13.000 It's the same story for the last 15, 20 years.

01:11:15.000 It was in the New York Times.

01:11:16.000 It's pretty mainstream.

01:11:17.000 Did they just translate the articles, what I was saying?

01:11:20.000 Is there actually anybody really talking about this other than translations from Italian newspapers?

01:11:25.000 I don't know, but there's been other stories about these in the New York Times as well.

01:11:28.000 It's not like people are avoiding all these pedophile issues.

01:11:31.000 And there was also like in every mainstream story or every mainstream news source, there was some big meeting that they had recently to deal with priests and sexual charges.

01:11:42.000 And that was all public, too.

01:11:44.000 A certain amount of it has to be public because it's such a known issue.

01:11:47.000 If you're out there, go to Catholic churches, you're going to an organization that condones this behavior. 1.00

01:11:52.000 So just know that when you show up for church tomorrow or Sunday.

01:11:55.000 Absolutely.

01:11:56.000 You're joining an organization that condones that behavior. 1.00

01:12:00.000 Yeah, what the fuck? 1.00

01:12:01.000 What are you doing? 1.00

01:12:03.000 It's amazing, but you really are.

01:12:04.000 Yeah, they're like, oh, I'm associated now with child molesters in my organization that are making the rules for me, but I'm not leaving this organization.

01:12:11.000 Based on fairy tales. 0.99

01:12:12.000 Yeah, well, based on who the fuck knows what the original thing was. 0.99

01:12:15.000 Even if you believe in Jesus, you clearly know these people are... 0.99

01:12:19.000 Yeah, just go to a non-animational church or something.

01:12:21.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:12:21.000 Well, they're not acting in Jesus' name when they're fucking your kid's mouth. 1.00

01:12:25.000 It's that simple. 0.99

01:12:27.000 No, clearly not.

01:12:27.000 That's right.

01:12:28.000 It's amazing how many people can get away with it.

01:12:31.000 Bill Maher had a clip that somebody put up online from his show that made a really good point.

01:12:36.000 And he was talking about how many people call themselves Christians, but don't follow any of the rules of Christianity.

01:12:45.000 I just want to say it.

01:12:45.000 He was talking about the Osama Bin Laden thing.

01:12:47.000 Jesus was the most non-violent guy ever.

01:12:51.000 And he was the guy who said, turn your other cheek, do not be evil to your enemies, but treat them with love.

01:12:57.000 And meanwhile, the Christians... 1.00

01:12:59.000 Going to kill Muslims with guns and horses on a... 1.00

01:13:03.000 Yeah, and it was really funny because Obama, they asked Obama about people that would, you know, what's the controversy about the death of Osama Bin Laden? 0.99

01:13:14.000 And he was like, anybody to think there's anything wrong with getting rid of that guy needs to have their brain checked.

01:13:19.000 Yeah.

01:13:19.000 Needs to have their head checked.

01:13:20.000 Like, this is a guy who pretends to be a Christian.

01:13:22.000 This was like Bill Maher's point.

01:13:24.000 Yeah.

01:13:24.000 And that's such a good point, you know, because it's like the most neglected aspect of Christianity.

01:13:30.000 Is what?

01:13:30.000 It's like, you're not supposed to hate.

01:13:32.000 Yeah.

01:13:32.000 You're not supposed to be angry at people.

01:13:35.000 And you're supposed to be all turning your other cheek.

01:13:38.000 But not just love your enemy.

01:13:40.000 Yeah, love your enemy.

01:13:41.000 What is it?

01:13:42.000 Man.

01:13:43.000 Man.

01:13:43.000 Yeah.

01:13:43.000 Take your enemy, the guy you hate, and not just forgive him, but love him.

01:13:47.000 Yeah.

01:13:47.000 Well, really, it's awesome advice.

01:13:50.000 Why didn't they capture that guy?

01:13:51.000 Jesus?

01:13:52.000 No.

01:13:53.000 Osama Bin Laden?

01:13:54.000 He's definitely trying to capture Jesus.

01:13:56.000 I don't think it's real.

01:13:57.000 I mean, I don't know if it's real.

01:13:58.000 It might be real.

01:13:59.000 They might have done exactly what they said, and they might have killed Osama Bin Laden at that moment.

01:14:03.000 But, you know, there was a lot of reports, like, way back to 2002, that that guy was dead.

01:14:09.000 And they were always saying that he was very sick.

01:14:11.000 You know, they were always saying that that guy had, you know, bad kidneys, and he needed dialysis on a regular basis.

01:14:17.000 I don't think they take the chance of him possibly being out there to say...

01:14:22.000 Unless they know they've seen his body, there's no way they'll let the president go on and say, I assure you he's dead.

01:14:30.000 It might come up that he's not.

01:14:32.000 Yeah, but he was already dead a long time ago.

01:14:36.000 That's what they believe.

01:14:36.000 What people believe is that this is some sort of a publicity ploy to keep Obama in office.

01:14:42.000 Look, Obama is like this ingenious device that the Republicans have created.

01:14:46.000 Get a guy, run for the Democratic Party, make him black, and make him do everything a Republican would do. 1.00

01:14:52.000 Yay! 0.99

01:14:52.000 And everybody loves him. 0.99

01:14:53.000 And he's fucking you and you're clapping. 1.00

01:14:55.000 Yay! 1.00

01:14:56.000 He's the black president! 1.00

01:14:57.000 Meanwhile, he's fucking Bush plus. 1.00

01:15:00.000 He's doing everything that Bush did plus. 1.00

01:15:03.000 He's doing exactly the same shit. 0.97

01:15:05.000 My problem with the theory that he just did this to win an election that's coming up is like, well, if they're going to do that, the timing is not right. 0.99

01:15:11.000 Wait six to eight months.

01:15:12.000 Well, maybe it is, though.

01:15:13.000 Maybe it is.

01:15:14.000 Because maybe this is what sets the ball in motion.

01:15:17.000 Maybe they have political experts that have actually studied tides of the cult of personality and how many months does it take... 0.99

01:15:25.000 Maybe, like, all this shit with Kim Kardashian and all this. 0.96

01:15:29.000 This is just all the government has done is create these famous people for no reason, just so we can see, like, chart the tides of how much time does it take for people to get pissed off at you? 0.98

01:15:39.000 And how much time does it take for you to recover from that? 0.99

01:15:42.000 You know, when everybody was pissed off at Obama, how much time does it take for him to recover and be a bad motherfucker again? 0.99

01:15:46.000 Well, he's got to kill Bin Laden now, and then it needs, like, nine months for it to fester in the American psyche. 0.99

01:15:51.000 And this is, like, step one of a bunch of other things that will set in place. 0.51

01:15:54.000 So this is the perfect time to do it?

01:15:55.000 Yeah, they're wagging the dog. 0.99

01:15:56.000 Step one, they kill Osama bin Laden. 0.99

01:15:59.000 That's awesome. 0.98

01:15:59.000 Now step two, they're going to thwart some nuclear attack. 0.98

01:16:02.000 They'll stop that, look like badasses.

01:16:04.000 Step three, yeah, and then they move into step three and then they announce all these new jobs because the government will hire like two million census workers.

01:16:12.000 The government created two million new jobs.

01:16:14.000 Meanwhile, there's just a bunch of people knocking on your door, annoying you, asking you what peanut butter you use. 1.00

01:16:19.000 You know, so you put it on the fucking census. 1.00

01:16:21.000 That's why the only thing that could have beat Obama would be something like a lesbian, armless lesbian. 1.00

01:16:26.000 Nobody wants an armless woman. 1.00

01:16:28.000 I think a lot of Republicans are like, I don't want to run against Obama.

01:16:31.000 I'm not doing it.

01:16:32.000 I'll do it in four years.

01:16:34.000 I'm not running against Obama.

01:16:35.000 I think a lot of people would be good to run against Obama if they, like Ron Paul did, You know, Ron Paul and that other guy from New Mexico, the former Gary Johnson.

01:16:45.000 Yeah, in what way?

01:16:46.000 Well, first of all, both of those guys are, you know, they're Republicans.

01:16:52.000 I'm pretty sure Gary Johnson is, but I know that...

01:16:54.000 But what do you mean, Ron Paul?

01:16:55.000 Like, what do you mean?

01:16:55.000 What does that verb mean?

01:16:56.000 Ron Pauling it. 0.95

01:16:57.000 Well, Ron Paul is all about smaller government and is all about getting us out of these wars and is all about being honest about what's happening with the American people and upholding the Constitution and freedom of personal use of drugs and doing whatever the fuck you need to do.

01:17:14.000 I think we need a new constitution made by people that we can relate to.

01:17:17.000 That would help.

01:17:18.000 But then it would be a question of who would be the ones... 1.00

01:17:21.000 That would draft this fucking thing. 0.99

01:17:22.000 And how much would the government have a say in it? 0.99

01:17:25.000 Because when they come up with things like the Patriot Act, you can't think that they're looking out for your best interests.

01:17:31.000 So we can't let them come up with a new constitution.

01:17:34.000 The system right now is so corrupt. 1.00

01:17:37.000 You can't say, hey, you guys are all corrupt and fucked up. 0.99

01:17:40.000 Will you please fix this? 1.00

01:17:41.000 Write out some new shit. 0.99

01:17:42.000 That's a good point. 0.99

01:17:43.000 The people in charge would have to be...

01:17:44.000 So who would it have to be?

01:17:45.000 It would have to be scholars.

01:17:46.000 It would have to be the people. 1.00

01:17:47.000 Well, they've shown time and time again that a lot of these guys, especially when it comes to economics, that are professors at universities, not only do they not know shit, they're whores. 1.00

01:17:55.000 All these guys, especially the professors in economics that are detailed in that movie, The Inside Job... 0.99

01:18:01.000 They'll just take whatever money they can to say whatever.

01:18:03.000 Oh my god, these guys are getting paid left and right by all these different...

01:18:05.000 These professors in economics get paid to sign off on these different trusts and different funds and sign off on these different ideas and work for major corporations in the future. 0.97

01:18:17.000 And they get these huge, cushy fucking jobs and millions and millions of dollars. 0.54

01:18:20.000 So they say all these things that are complementary towards certain styles of the market. 0.98

01:18:25.000 And they teach certain things that would encourage the same sort of system that they have set up or had set up for a long time until this recent economic collapse.

01:18:35.000 And they endorse it.

01:18:36.000 And they say, oh, this is rock solid.

01:18:37.000 And this is everything's fine. 0.99

01:18:39.000 And it turns out, if you follow the paper trail, these motherfuckers are, all of them eventually wind up getting cushy jobs. 0.99

01:18:44.000 It's all, it's a real sneaky, snaky situation. 0.98

01:18:47.000 My friend says, anytime you see an economist on Good Morning America or anything or whatever, talking about Meet the Press, talking about whatever it goes, they're selling a book.

01:18:54.000 Yeah.

01:18:54.000 They're selling some book.

01:18:55.000 They're selling something.

01:18:56.000 So they need to say something that's incendiary enough that they can get on those shows to sell more books.

01:19:00.000 Right.

01:19:01.000 Well, go get Ann Coulter. 1.00

01:19:02.000 She's a fucking professional troll. 1.00

01:19:05.000 She's professional at it. 1.00

01:19:06.000 She goes on, she says...

01:19:07.000 I don't know which one she is. 0.82

01:19:07.000 She's the, like, vulture-ish looking... 0.82

01:19:10.000 She's pretty if you're drunk. 1.00

01:19:11.000 Oh, she's the thinner one with the straight hair? 1.00

01:19:13.000 Yeah, like, you might hate fuck her. 1.00

01:19:15.000 Yeah, yeah. 1.00

01:19:15.000 If you were in San Diego and you were drunk and she was at a bar... 1.00

01:19:18.000 Absolutely, I would do that. 1.00

01:19:19.000 I think you're funny and you're a dirty Jew and I'll suck your dirty Jew cock. 1.00

01:19:22.000 If she touched my dick on the way by to the bathroom... 1.00

01:19:25.000 Really? 1.00

01:19:25.000 Like, gently by it, I'd be like, oh, it's on. 1.00

01:19:26.000 That's what she would do?

01:19:27.000 No, if she did, then I would definitely...

01:19:29.000 You would hit it?

01:19:29.000 Let's get out of here.

01:19:31.000 Really?

01:19:31.000 Would you call her again afterwards or would you feel gross?

01:19:34.000 If it was actually Ann Coulter, would you start banging her? 0.97

01:19:36.000 Not just someone who looked like that.

01:19:37.000 Would you start bringing her around the store?

01:19:39.000 Dude, no.

01:19:40.000 She's really cool, man. 1.00

01:19:41.000 A lot of that shit is just her public image. 1.00

01:19:43.000 She's playing a character. 1.00

01:19:45.000 She's playing a character.

01:19:45.000 She is, though.

01:19:46.000 She is.

01:19:47.000 I mean, she's very smart at it. 1.00

01:19:48.000 She says a lot of incendiary shit, and it's funny. 1.00

01:19:51.000 You know, and she called Bob Edwards a faggot. 1.00

01:19:54.000 Whoa, no way! 1.00

01:19:56.000 Is it Bob Edwards? 1.00

01:19:57.000 She called somebody a faggot? 1.00

01:19:59.000 Yeah, she called John Edwards a faggot. 1.00

01:20:01.000 What? 1.00

01:20:01.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:20:02.000 And she's still got a job? 0.95

01:20:03.000 Yeah, man.

01:20:04.000 She's white.

01:20:05.000 She's a Republican.

01:20:05.000 It's all good.

01:20:06.000 She's set on air?

01:20:07.000 It was really funny.

01:20:08.000 Jimmy Norton had a good joke.

01:20:11.000 I wonder why she thought that.

01:20:13.000 Maybe she saw him more than twice.

01:20:16.000 What do you mean? 1.00

01:20:17.000 He looks like a faggot. 1.00

01:20:20.000 I wonder what made her say that. 1.00

01:20:21.000 I guess she saw him more than twice.

01:20:24.000 I don't know what that guy looks like.

01:20:26.000 I love the phrasing of that.

01:20:28.000 That's enough.

01:20:29.000 You start assessing him. 0.99

01:20:31.000 What the fuck's going on with this guy? 0.99

01:20:33.000 Oh, he's good. 1.00

01:20:34.000 He's the guy that his wife was dying of fucking cancer. 1.00

01:20:37.000 Oh, yeah, yeah. 1.00

01:20:37.000 I remember that guy. 1.00

01:20:38.000 Having a baby with some other chick.

01:20:40.000 Yeah.

01:20:40.000 I wonder, man, back before, we're just getting sort of to see now how many dudes were rocking it like that.

01:20:48.000 All of them.

01:20:49.000 Why wouldn't they?

01:20:50.000 I think that was just a part of the way it was done.

01:20:52.000 I mean, when you go back to the Kennedys, it's sort of like everyone knew. 0.93

01:20:55.000 You remember when we were kids, we were growing up, we kind of all knew that Kennedy fucked Marilyn Monroe, right? 0.91

01:21:00.000 Sort of knew, but didn't say anything. 0.66

01:21:02.000 Yeah.

01:21:02.000 Well, it was sort of like one of those things.

01:21:04.000 It was just like, we would just say, oh, this is a different time.

01:21:07.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:21:08.000 I think back when they had no accountability, they could just get away with shit like that. 0.99

01:21:12.000 A lot of politicians are in the position to get laid. 0.99

01:21:14.000 They do it. 1.00

01:21:15.000 Remember how you've seen a movie, you see some cop fucking a hooker? 1.00

01:21:18.000 You're like, oh, yeah, that's normal. 0.99

01:21:20.000 But then you actually see a police officer, you're like, no way.

01:21:22.000 But why not?

01:21:23.000 That's who's doing it.

01:21:25.000 Regular people are doing these corrupt things that you would think, no, not them. 1.00

01:21:29.000 Sluts, too. 1.00

01:21:29.000 You come across a slut in a nice long dress or something. 1.00

01:21:33.000 You're like, no, she wouldn't be like that. 1.00

01:21:35.000 Yeah, the slacks get regular jobs. 1.00

01:21:37.000 Yeah, they're all around us.

01:21:38.000 That's why women are terrified when their husbands go to the office. 1.00

01:21:41.000 There's always that one crazy bitch that'll suck your dick in a stock room. 1.00

01:21:43.000 And who's gonna resist that? 1.00

01:21:45.000 Yeah, I mean, you might live your whole life and never meet one, or you might work for the right office, and this girl's crazy, and she shows you a picture of her pussy on her cell phone, and you're like, what the fuck are you doing? 1.00

01:21:55.000 What are you showing me that for? 1.00

01:21:57.000 And the next thing you know it...

01:21:58.000 You sure seem flirty.

01:22:00.000 You know who's the best at picking those girls? 1.00

01:22:02.000 Joe Diaz.

01:22:03.000 He can spot them a mile away. 1.00

01:22:04.000 There she is right there, that dirty freak. 1.00

01:22:07.000 I can see it. 1.00

01:22:08.000 I can see it in her eyes, Joe Rogan. 1.00

01:22:10.000 Hey, Jack, I caught my dick. 1.00

01:22:12.000 He had the crazy stories yesterday, man, about trying to pass drug tests by putting various substances over his dick and then covering it with his foreskin. 1.00

01:22:21.000 And tying it into a knot. 1.00

01:22:23.000 Dropped into...

01:22:23.000 That was just a joke.

01:22:25.000 So then it would all drop into the piss cup while he was pissing and it would taint the result.

01:22:30.000 So he has two weeks.

01:22:31.000 Yeah.

01:22:31.000 He would, like, you know, add, like, chlorine.

01:22:33.000 He added chlorine.

01:22:35.000 He added Drano.

01:22:35.000 Oh, that stuff you put in there.

01:22:36.000 Yeah.

01:22:36.000 Oh my god.

01:22:37.000 He said he was putting Drano under his horse skin.

01:22:40.000 And just pinch it, like put a rubber band around it and burn some extra pee holes.

01:22:42.000 I don't know.

01:22:43.000 Yeah, like the whole thing, I was trying to picture it in my head and it made no sense.

01:22:48.000 It was like, does he put it in there and then tie it in a knot at the end with his skin? 0.71

01:22:53.000 He really did that.

01:22:54.000 He was just joking.

01:22:55.000 Yeah, but how else does he attach it to his... 0.97

01:22:56.000 Apparently, he said he has a big foreskin. 0.95

01:22:59.000 His foreskin's very long, so he just stuffs it up there and let it sit there. 0.98

01:23:02.000 And then he peels it back. 0.97

01:23:03.000 That makes no sense. 1.00

01:23:05.000 I don't have a dick like his. 1.00

01:23:07.000 I can't explain. 1.00

01:23:07.000 I feel like you have to tie a rubber band around it to cinch that area. 1.00

01:23:10.000 Well, I think normally when it's soft, It's covered over like an anteater.

01:23:14.000 So when it gets hard, then yeah, like some stuff, whatever you got in there.

01:23:19.000 Like first the chlorine was like crumples.

01:23:21.000 It was like chlorine crumples from one of those things that you drop into a pool to chlorinate the pool.

01:23:27.000 Something like that, like a disc or something. 1.00

01:23:29.000 He shaved it and then he put that stuff under his dick. 1.00

01:23:31.000 My one-year-old nephew just had to go under the knife for a second time to do a circumcision. 1.00

01:23:37.000 And we had talked about this before.

01:23:38.000 And what happened is the first time they did the circumcision, it didn't take.

01:23:42.000 It started to grow back together or do something.

01:23:44.000 I don't understand what they were talking about.

01:23:47.000 So they had to put my nephew under and do plastic surgery, cut off more, and blah, blah, blah.

01:23:54.000 And my biggest thing, I was just like, wait a second.

01:23:56.000 This is a high-tech hospital.

01:23:58.000 Why is this happening?

01:24:00.000 How is this happening?

01:24:01.000 I told my mom to get the oldest Jew and give him $100, and that would probably be better than a high-tech hospital. 1.00

01:24:07.000 Give your kid herpes, and they'll suck your kid's dick. 1.00

01:24:08.000 Do you know that that's how they do it? 1.00

01:24:10.000 They cut it off and then they suck on it. 1.00

01:24:12.000 Who sucks on it? 1.00

01:24:13.000 The moil. 1.00

01:24:13.000 Sucks on the dick? 1.00

01:24:14.000 Yes! 1.00

01:24:15.000 You don't know that?

01:24:16.000 That the ancient Hasidic practice of... 0.89

01:24:19.000 I believe it's Hasidic. 1.00

01:24:22.000 What's the guy's name that cuts your dick? 1.00

01:24:25.000 Moil. 1.00

01:24:25.000 The moil. 1.00

01:24:26.000 It's supposed to suck it. 0.98

01:24:27.000 That's how they're supposed to stop the blood. 0.83

01:24:30.000 Oh, the ones I've seen just use towels. 0.99

01:24:31.000 Yeah, they suck it, too, though, dude. 1.00

01:24:33.000 The traditional way is to suck it. 1.00

01:24:34.000 There was a whole story because a baby died of herpes because a guy had herpes on his mouth. 1.00

01:24:41.000 He had a cold sore on his mouth. 1.00

01:24:42.000 He does the traditional way and he sucks the little kid's dick. 1.00

01:24:45.000 It sounds like I'm talking crazy. 1.00

01:24:48.000 It's crazy.

01:24:48.000 But it's the real thing.

01:24:49.000 I've seen a lot of traditional.

01:24:51.000 Spell moil.

01:24:51.000 M-O-Y-L-E. M-O-Y-E-L. M-O-Y-E-L. It's a Hebrew word, so it's M-O-Y-E-L. It's M-O-Y-E-L. I've seen a lot of traditional grises.

01:24:59.000 I've never seen that before.

01:25:00.000 I guess there's this new practice now, this new way to do circumcisions that the hospitals have been doing, and the fail rate is so much higher.

01:25:07.000 But I guess it's more sensitivity for the kid and all that.

01:25:10.000 It's super safer.

01:25:12.000 But the crazy thing is, the doctors say to each other's doctors, it's an art.

01:25:18.000 Like, it's a guessing game.

01:25:19.000 You have to be so good at it and just experience.

01:25:22.000 All they do is just that. 1.00

01:25:23.000 There's a video of a guy explaining why the mohel has to suck a boy's penis after circumcision. 0.99

01:25:31.000 So if you go to, look up online, on YouTube, go to YouTube, and write in, Rabbi explains the importance of sucking. 0.99

01:25:43.000 I'd love to hear this. 0.91

01:25:47.000 Explains.

01:25:48.000 Explains. 1.00

01:25:51.000 The importance of sucking a boy's penis. 1.00

01:25:56.000 See, I didn't make this shit up, man. 1.00

01:25:58.000 I would love to hear this. 1.00

01:25:59.000 This is some ridiculous nonsense. 0.99

01:26:00.000 How do you find this? 1.00

01:26:02.000 Me?

01:26:03.000 Start with shark attack videos.

01:26:05.000 It all starts with shark attacks.

01:26:06.000 Get in an argument with the wife, hide in the office. 1.00

01:26:11.000 Shit gets dark. 1.00

01:26:13.000 Shark bites boy's dick. 1.00

01:26:15.000 A little loud, it's a little loud. 1.00

01:26:20.000 Four sections of halacha called the Shulchan Aruch, the set table.

01:26:26.000 In chapter 266, halacha 3, 4, 5, and 6, he describes how the circumcision is to be done.

01:26:36.000 This is after the coming.

01:26:37.000 The mohel does what is called mitzitzah. 0.99

01:26:40.000 Mitzitzah means to suck, and it means doing so with his mouth. 0.99

01:26:45.000 And one could say, well, why can't you use a tube? 0.99

01:26:48.000 Well, you could.

01:26:50.000 Technically, but it's not the custom as to how it was done.

01:26:53.000 Now, why is it that way?

01:26:54.000 Well, I could say that in the olden days you didn't have tubes.

01:26:57.000 Now you can have tubes, so why not?

01:26:59.000 The answer, as I thought about it, is that it's not as effective because the tube does not seal as well, it's not as pliable, and furthermore, it's not as quick and it's not as close.

01:27:16.000 You have to have a quick suction action, you have to have more pliability, and also there's a theory, some people feel that it is, some people feel that it's not, that the saliva of a human being has some antiseptic I've never heard of antiseptic qualities.

01:27:38.000 That guy's making up reasons why he thinks it should be still the sucking.

01:27:42.000 He's not saying that's the law.

01:27:44.000 He's saying that's what he would... 1.00

01:27:45.000 Okay, kill him. 1.00

01:27:53.000 That sick fuck sucking little baby's dicks. 1.00

01:27:55.000 Yeah, that's not right. 1.00

01:27:56.000 But this is the tradition, correct?

01:27:59.000 No.

01:28:00.000 No, I've never heard of this either.

01:28:01.000 That's just that guy interpreting that.

01:28:02.000 That might have been what they did.

01:28:03.000 But what he said was that he was reading out of a passage of a book that said that that was what you're supposed to do. 1.00

01:28:08.000 You're supposed to suck it. 1.00

01:28:09.000 No, he said he reads out of the passage and this is the passage and then he then interprets what he thinks that should mean. 1.00

01:28:14.000 No, no, no.

01:28:14.000 He was pretty clear.

01:28:15.000 He said it says to suck. 0.98

01:28:17.000 Yeah, but he says you can use a device, because why not a device? 0.99

01:28:20.000 He goes, well, maybe it's not as good.

01:28:21.000 He didn't say with the mouth?

01:28:23.000 He said you can use a device, you can use something else.

01:28:25.000 But he goes, it's tradition not to.

01:28:27.000 He's interpreting it right there on that video. 0.99

01:28:29.000 But didn't it say in the scripture to suck it with the mouth? 0.99

01:28:32.000 No, he said to suck, and that means then with the mouth. 1.00

01:28:36.000 Huh. 1.00

01:28:37.000 He clearly says, it just says suck. 0.99

01:28:40.000 Okay. 0.98

01:28:41.000 I don't want to listen to it again to figure it out.

01:28:45.000 But I don't think I've ever seen the music too either.

01:28:47.000 I've never seen that either. 1.00

01:28:48.000 How wonky is it that you're cutting babies' dicks and sucking on them? 1.00

01:28:52.000 I've never heard that before. 1.00

01:28:54.000 What a ridiculous thing it is. 0.99

01:28:55.000 People say, if you have a boy, would you circumcise your kid? 0.99

01:28:58.000 No.

01:28:59.000 No.

01:28:59.000 Why would I? His dick's going to look ugly.

01:29:02.000 What are you doing staring at people's dicks? 1.00

01:29:05.000 By the time someone gets to your dick, okay? 1.00

01:29:08.000 Look, what's the difference? 1.00

01:29:09.000 There's a little skin that's going to throw you off? 1.00

01:29:11.000 Good.

01:29:11.000 Get out of here.

01:29:12.000 You're crazy. 1.00

01:29:13.000 They say it's cleaner, right? 1.00

01:29:14.000 It's cleaner.

01:29:15.000 We do it because of the commandment.

01:29:16.000 And Joe, you know most people are circumcised.

01:29:19.000 You know that, right?

01:29:20.000 It's because there's reasons for that.

01:29:22.000 My nephew had so much skin.

01:29:23.000 It's because there's reasons for that? 1.00

01:29:24.000 My nephew had so much skin that there would be no way to clean his dick. 1.00

01:29:28.000 How do you know about your nephew's foreskin, son? 1.00

01:29:31.000 Because me and my mom had a conversation about it. 1.00

01:29:34.000 And we actually talked about my nephew's penis for a We started talking about my penis. 1.00

01:29:38.000 My mom said that the doctor that did my dick used to always brag to her about how good he was at circumcision. 1.00

01:29:44.000 He was like an artist. 0.99

01:29:45.000 My mom goes, he did a good job, right?

01:29:48.000 My mom actually goes, he did a good job, right?

01:29:52.000 Does it look good? 0.99

01:29:53.000 I go, mom, are you really asking me if my penis looks good? 1.00

01:29:56.000 Why don't you just whip it out? 1.00

01:29:58.000 It was over the phone.

01:30:00.000 Did you say you made it?

01:30:02.000 You want something?

01:30:03.000 I think it really is.

01:30:04.000 There's reasons why a lot of people should have it.

01:30:07.000 Some people have way too much skin down there.

01:30:09.000 That's a cute thought.

01:30:10.000 I definitely have heard that.

01:30:11.000 But it's not.

01:30:11.000 There's no medical reasons.

01:30:13.000 They say, oh, it prevents AIDS. Shut up. 1.00

01:30:15.000 I have heard of a sanitary issue. 1.00

01:30:18.000 Yeah, I've heard sanitary.

01:30:19.000 Get out of here.

01:30:20.000 It's natural. 1.00

01:30:20.000 You're supposed to have a spore skin over your dick. 1.00

01:30:22.000 It's some weird custom we do. 1.00

01:30:24.000 We cut it off. 1.00

01:30:25.000 Shit's ridiculous. 1.00

01:30:26.000 Yeah, you are supposed to have tonsils. 1.00

01:30:27.000 The only time to take them out is when they break, bro.

01:30:29.000 Yeah.

01:30:30.000 You don't take your tonsils out if they're working awesome. 0.99

01:30:32.000 Your foreskin's working fine. 0.98

01:30:33.000 You compared your foreskin to a tonsil? 0.97

01:30:36.000 How about your appendix, bro? 1.00

01:30:38.000 You don't fucking need that, bro. 0.99

01:30:40.000 Do you think your appendix is in? 1.00

01:30:41.000 When it bursts, you take it out. 1.00

01:30:43.000 There's no reason to cut your fucking healthy, normal foreskin off. 0.99

01:30:46.000 They used to always be fine, but tonsils were fine too in the old days. 1.00

01:30:49.000 People died, I guess.

01:30:50.000 No, no, no.

01:30:50.000 They died.

01:30:50.000 It wasn't fine.

01:30:52.000 It was a big difference.

01:30:53.000 A thousand years ago has nothing to do with what we know now about anything.

01:30:57.000 Well, I wonder why they started it in the first place. 0.96

01:30:59.000 What do you think made them start cutting dicks? 1.00

01:31:01.000 I know why Jews do it. 1.00

01:31:02.000 It's just the commandment.

01:31:02.000 But I don't know why non-Jews do it.

01:31:04.000 Yeah, but you know why Jews do it, but you don't know why they started doing it. 1.00

01:31:08.000 Whose idea was it?

01:31:09.000 How did that stick?

01:31:11.000 I don't think it's just because everyone does it.

01:31:13.000 I think there's actually health reasons to do it.

01:31:15.000 It's what my mom is explaining.

01:31:16.000 I said the same thing.

01:31:17.000 I'm like, why even do it?

01:31:19.000 This is a conversation that would be interesting if it was five years ago.

01:31:22.000 But with the world of Google, which is just, look it up.

01:31:25.000 Health benefits of circumcision.

01:31:27.000 Here we go.

01:31:28.000 That's a good point.

01:31:29.000 Yeah, because I told my mom, I was like, leave the poor kid alone.

01:31:31.000 If it didn't take the first time, don't do it.

01:31:33.000 And she goes, no, the doctor says you want to do this.

01:31:37.000 Get it one way or the other. 1.00

01:31:38.000 Yeah, he's going to have a terribly scarred up dick. 1.00

01:31:41.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:31:43.000 And I guess they could take off too little and too much.

01:31:45.000 So it's like you have a doctor that's pretty much going, hey, you're going to have a great sex life or you're going to hate your life.

01:31:51.000 I have a feeling this is one of those divided issues and that we're going to find two completely different schools of thought on this.

01:31:57.000 But see, if it was divided, it wouldn't be like 90% or 80% or whatever it is that the people in the United States are circumcised.

01:32:02.000 I don't even know the numbers.

01:32:03.000 Yeah, I think it probably still would be because people do what they've always done.

01:32:07.000 If the tradition for a long time, over a few lifetimes, is circumcision, you know, it's really difficult to break that off when people start having children and the grandmother starts asking, you know, are you going to take the baby and give him a circumcise?

01:32:21.000 Aren't like a...

01:32:22.000 Diamonds and wedding rings, the new thing?

01:32:24.000 The new thing?

01:32:25.000 Yeah.

01:32:25.000 What do you mean?

01:32:26.000 Wasn't that just like 100 years ago?

01:32:28.000 Really?

01:32:28.000 Something like that.

01:32:29.000 Was that diamonds and wedding rings?

01:32:30.000 Or like you're supposed to spend a lot of money or something?

01:32:34.000 I wouldn't be surprised.

01:32:34.000 I wouldn't be surprised, man.

01:32:35.000 And now it's like everyone has to do it just because it's like become accepted.

01:32:39.000 Hmm.

01:32:39.000 Let's see.

01:32:40.000 Complications.

01:32:41.000 Let's read complications.

01:32:43.000 Complications ranging in...

01:32:44.000 From 0.6% to 55% have been cited.

01:32:48.000 Wait, from having it or not having it?

01:32:49.000 Yeah, complications in having it.

01:32:52.000 More specific estimates have included 2% to 10% and 0.2% to 0.6%.

01:32:59.000 Okay, these are completely different numbers.

01:33:02.000 This is Wikipedia.

01:33:03.000 This is just wonky.

01:33:04.000 Anyway, according to the American Medical Association, blood loss and infection are the most common complications, but most bleeding is minor, can be stopped by applying pressure.

01:33:14.000 A survey of circumcision complications by Kaplan in 1983 revealed that the rate of bleeding complications was shown between 0.1% and 35%.

01:33:23.000 I think it's more now is what the doctor was saying because of this new way that they do it.

01:33:28.000 Higher rate of complications?

01:33:29.000 It's higher in complications.

01:33:30.000 I heard that a lot more people are having problems with circumcision than they used to.

01:33:35.000 And it's because it's like, I guess it's easier for the doctor, where in the past it used to be you go to like somebody that does it as a living, like a Jew, you know, whatever these guys are called. 0.99

01:33:47.000 Yeah, but that guy, that's all he does all day long. 0.95

01:33:49.000 Like he's like an artist for penis circumcisions. 0.81

01:33:52.000 Now they go to these doctors where they're fresh out of college, and this could be their second time doing it ever, you know what I mean? 0.96

01:33:57.000 And the kids kick in.

01:33:58.000 They do it while the kid's awake, right?

01:34:00.000 Yeah.

01:34:00.000 Yeah, so what I believe is they made a procedure that was easier.

01:34:03.000 You can't put the kid under, right?

01:34:04.000 You have to do it while the kid's awake.

01:34:05.000 Not the first time. 0.92

01:34:06.000 They dip their pinky in wine and let the kid suck on it. 0.98

01:34:09.000 That's just to get him drunk. 0.98

01:34:10.000 Yeah, that's what he's saying.

01:34:12.000 That's what he's saying.

01:34:16.000 That's crazy.

01:34:17.000 Your joke is what they actually do.

01:34:19.000 That is crazy that they did that, though. 1.00

01:34:20.000 And then they also will play with his dick a little bit. 1.00

01:34:22.000 Jesus Christ. 1.00

01:34:24.000 Before I suck the kid's penis after cutting it off, I like to get him drunk. 1.00

01:34:28.000 Yeah, what the fuck? 1.00

01:34:30.000 It might rival the Christians soon. 1.00

01:34:32.000 Right? 1.00

01:34:33.000 For weird pedophilia shit. 1.00

01:34:35.000 Who was the first? 1.00

01:34:35.000 I want to know what the fucking origin of circumcision was. 1.00

01:34:39.000 I want to know where it came from. 1.00

01:34:42.000 We should get a penis doctor in here. 1.00

01:34:43.000 I wonder if they know. 0.99

01:34:45.000 I wonder if there's some ancient cave art.

01:34:48.000 It's in the pyramid. 0.99

01:34:50.000 It's good, pretty dick. 1.00

01:34:53.000 When Jews said to circumcise your children, I don't think that was the new thing. 1.00

01:34:56.000 Circumcision was probably already out.

01:34:58.000 Yeah, what caused it? 0.98

01:35:00.000 What the fuck caused it? 0.99

01:35:03.000 Sexually transmitted diseases. 0.99

01:35:05.000 Yeah, it wasn't around a thousand years ago.

01:35:06.000 Wasn't it?

01:35:07.000 A thousand years?

01:35:08.000 Oh, maybe the clap, stuff like that. 1.00

01:35:09.000 I think shit has always been around, man. 0.99

01:35:11.000 It's gotta been around. 1.00

01:35:13.000 You know, Al Capone died of syphilis.

01:35:16.000 Yeah, but that wasn't...

01:35:18.000 It ran Lincoln at Crabs.

01:35:19.000 Yeah, but what was that?

01:35:20.000 That was the 1930s, was Al Capone?

01:35:22.000 Yeah, that was 80 years ago.

01:35:23.000 Okay, come on, man. 1.00

01:35:24.000 This shit was around before that. 1.00

01:35:26.000 It's been around. 1.00

01:35:27.000 I bet it's been around a long time.

01:35:29.000 AIDS wasn't around. 0.92

01:35:29.000 50 years ago. 0.92

01:35:30.000 Right.

01:35:31.000 Maybe.

01:35:32.000 I mean, we're guessing again.

01:35:33.000 Yeah, who knows?

01:35:34.000 They're saying that it might help prevent HIV infection.

01:35:38.000 I can see that totally.

01:35:38.000 More skin, open area.

01:35:39.000 Women have a way higher rate of catching HIV than men.

01:35:43.000 200 to 1. Really?

01:35:45.000 Women are 200 times more likely to get HIV from a man than vice versa. 1.00

01:35:48.000 Damn, son. 1.00

01:35:49.000 Because of all that open, woundy looking area. 1.00

01:35:52.000 Plus, they can get all funky in there with yeast infections.

01:35:56.000 And they have to carry the children. 0.98

01:35:58.000 So not circumcising a child might make him way more likely to get AIDS. Yeah.

01:36:03.000 So that's a risk you're taking that way.

01:36:06.000 Complications include... 0.99

01:36:07.000 And just having to clean out, you know, like fucking fungus. 0.98

01:36:12.000 Do you have to? 0.99

01:36:13.000 Joey Diaz says there's no problems. 0.99

01:36:16.000 He hasn't seen it in fucking five years. 0.98

01:36:19.000 He doesn't know. 0.99

01:36:20.000 Joey Diaz said his heart was strong after he had a heart attack.

01:36:22.000 Yeah.

01:36:23.000 His heart's strong.

01:36:24.000 He hasn't seen it in five years.

01:36:26.000 Well, he sees it when he stands in front of the mirror.

01:36:29.000 I'm sure he gives it a little look over with his reading glasses on.

01:36:33.000 And you know another question I asked my mom? 0.98

01:36:34.000 It's like, why is my doctor talking to you about how good he is at cutting penises? 0.98

01:36:37.000 Is that like some kind of hit, like he's hitting on my mom? 0.99

01:36:40.000 It's a very good question.

01:36:41.000 I'm really good at circumcision. 0.96

01:36:43.000 You know why? 1.00

01:36:44.000 It's because all my life I've had such a pretty dick. 1.00

01:36:47.000 I just want to show you what sucks. 1.00

01:36:50.000 Did you think about your mom hooking up with other dudes? 0.99

01:36:53.000 I asked my mom once.

01:36:54.000 Oh, your mom's single.

01:36:55.000 No, she's married. 0.98

01:36:56.000 But she was single for a while when I was like from third grade to like, I don't know, seventh grade or sixth grade.

01:37:03.000 She went on...

01:37:04.000 She dated a guy that owned a houseboat for a while named Denny.

01:37:08.000 And he used to take you on the boat?

01:37:09.000 Take me on the boat with a little hound dog.

01:37:11.000 That's so weird when your mom was dating guys.

01:37:14.000 The worst one was that my mom used to date this guy that was a pilot and he just got his license and he used to have one of those small propeller planes, like three seater, and we used to fly back and forth.

01:37:26.000 From different go-to-go places.

01:37:28.000 And I just remember going on six-hour journeys in this plane as a kid, terrified, out of my mind, while they're flirting in the front.

01:37:36.000 I'm in the back trying to read Garfield.

01:37:37.000 He would take you up in a little baby plane for six hours?

01:37:41.000 Yeah, we would go on trips. 0.99

01:37:42.000 I'd go from Ohio to fucking West Virginia. 0.99

01:37:44.000 There's some dudes that rock it like that. 1.00

01:37:46.000 They have a little propeller plane and they just fly through the fucking sky. 0.99

01:37:49.000 Get out of here. 0.99

01:37:50.000 How fast can those jammies go? 1.00

01:37:51.000 I don't know.

01:37:52.000 It's not like a jet fast, but is it like 150 miles an hour fast?

01:37:55.000 Like a Cessna.

01:37:56.000 I wonder if you can get a sense of how fast you're going. 0.99

01:37:59.000 It was scary as fuck. 0.98

01:38:00.000 And I remember going through a storm once. 0.99

01:38:02.000 We went through a storm once.

01:38:03.000 I remember thinking it was like airplanes.

01:38:05.000 That was one of my favorite movies as a kid.

01:38:07.000 It was an airplane.

01:38:07.000 I remember thinking that the whole time.

01:38:09.000 It's just like that movie Airplane.

01:38:11.000 It reminds me of that episode of Silver Spoons where they all go down in a propeller plane through a storm and they crash on a desert island.

01:38:18.000 I don't remember that one.

01:38:19.000 Ricky's got a bag of Skittles or M&Ms.

01:38:22.000 I don't remember now, but he had to share with everybody.

01:38:24.000 Cessna can travel up to the speed of 283 miles an hour.

01:38:31.000 Wow.

01:38:32.000 That's a lot more than I thought.

01:38:33.000 Yeah, it is.

01:38:34.000 This was like a barnstorming plane, though.

01:38:36.000 I don't think a Cessna's a jet, right?

01:38:38.000 Isn't it? 1.00

01:38:39.000 It's like a fucking propeller plane, right? 1.00

01:38:41.000 Is it? 0.99

01:38:42.000 This was like one propeller in the front kind of plane, and this was a scary plane.

01:38:45.000 Like somebody had to pull it down?

01:38:48.000 Push the plane off? 0.99

01:38:49.000 This is like, how the fuck? 0.99

01:38:50.000 Why am I in this plane? 1.00

01:38:51.000 Maybe that's a dope-ass Cessna.

01:38:55.000 Because I've heard something about 150 or 200 miles an hour.

01:38:59.000 That sounds pretty fast.

01:39:00.000 But either way, that's pretty cool that you can do that and have that kind of freedom.

01:39:04.000 Get in your own plane and fly to another state.

01:39:07.000 It's pretty badass.

01:39:08.000 That's pretty cool.

01:39:09.000 Avoid everything.

01:39:10.000 Avoid traffic.

01:39:11.000 Avoid everything.

01:39:12.000 Just land.

01:39:13.000 There was a Stephen King movie, and I read the book first, and then I got the movie.

01:39:18.000 I think it was one of his short stories, but it was called Night Flyer.

01:39:22.000 And it was about a dude who was a newspaper reporter.

01:39:26.000 Yeah, I remember that book.

01:39:28.000 It was terribly good.

01:39:30.000 The movie is terribly, awfully great.

01:39:33.000 It's just one of those, it's bad, but it's good.

01:39:36.000 It's one of those movies where I'm happy if it's 1 o'clock in the morning and I'm flipping through the channel's board and then it comes on. 0.99

01:39:42.000 I'm like, oh shit! 1.00

01:39:43.000 Shit, this is good. 1.00

01:39:44.000 Let me get some popcorn. 0.99

01:39:46.000 Anyway, in this story, this guy, he had a Cessna, and he would fly into these little airports, and there was a vampire that was doing the same thing. 0.99

01:39:53.000 The vampire was flying in, the vampire had an airplane, and would jack people at airports and shit. 0.98

01:39:59.000 Really? 1.00

01:39:59.000 Yeah, they had little tiny airports. 1.00

01:40:01.000 It was kind of cool. 0.75

01:40:03.000 It was kind of cool and shitty at the same time. 0.72

01:40:05.000 It wasn't anything to be proud of, but it was fun. 0.87

01:40:08.000 It was fun to watch.

01:40:09.000 All of his stuff works better with stories, really.

01:40:11.000 Yeah, way better.

01:40:12.000 When you start making it a physical reality, like, oh, it's hard.

01:40:16.000 Salem's Lot pulled it off.

01:40:17.000 Salem's Lot was terrible.

01:40:18.000 I didn't think it was terrible.

01:40:19.000 You were young.

01:40:20.000 Maybe you're right.

01:40:21.000 It was terrible.

01:40:21.000 I haven't seen it recently.

01:40:22.000 There were random characters just popped up out of nowhere, sending important information.

01:40:25.000 But like, who is that person?

01:40:27.000 I enjoyed the fuck out of it when I was a little kid, when that guy was dancing in front of the window. 0.74

01:40:32.000 Maximum overdrive. 0.91

01:40:33.000 I think maybe he just...

01:40:34.000 Stephen King's never really gotten...

01:40:36.000 Probably a really good screenwriter and director.

01:40:38.000 His stories are so fantastical, if there's a word.

01:40:43.000 You know, his stories are so much better in the imagination.

01:40:47.000 You know, some of them like...

01:40:48.000 You know, like the Tommy Knockers. 0.99

01:40:50.000 Did you ever see the movie, Tommy Knockers?

01:40:52.000 Never saw a movie.

01:40:52.000 I saw Carrie.

01:40:53.000 I don't even remember it.

01:40:54.000 I might not even have seen that one.

01:40:57.000 But there was a bunch of them that I've seen.

01:40:59.000 I don't know if I saw the Tommy Knockers. 1.00

01:41:00.000 I seem to remember it was like a made-for-TV special.

01:41:03.000 Carrie is really good.

01:41:04.000 But the book is great!

01:41:05.000 The book is really interesting, man.

01:41:08.000 Like, Pet Sematary?

01:41:10.000 The movie's like, eh, it's alright.

01:41:12.000 It's okay.

01:41:12.000 It's not bad.

01:41:13.000 It's kind of interesting.

01:41:14.000 First I went to play with Mrs. Johnson, then I played with Mommy, and now I want to play with you.

01:41:17.000 I want to play with you, Daddy.

01:41:19.000 Whoa.

01:41:20.000 I like Maximum Cooper Drive. 1.00

01:41:21.000 But the book is the shit, man. 1.00

01:41:23.000 Pet Sematary, the book, is fascinating. 1.00

01:41:25.000 Stephen King is so good at, like, pulling at raw emotions, like these people that wanted their daughter back, so they buried her.

01:41:31.000 The whole thing about it's like, The desperation.

01:41:35.000 Then they had the cat. 0.98

01:41:37.000 The cat that came back that was acting all fucked up and weird. 0.99

01:41:40.000 Yeah, that was creepy. 1.00

01:41:41.000 Those fucking movies. 1.00

01:41:43.000 The movies can never fuck with those books. 1.00

01:41:45.000 Because you'd be alone in your room and you didn't want to stop reading. 0.99

01:41:48.000 And you would keep going and going.

01:41:50.000 I would read them when I was on the train when I was living in Newton.

01:41:55.000 I'd take the train into Taekwondo in Boston.

01:41:57.000 I didn't want to get off the train, man. 1.00

01:41:59.000 I'd get on a good one and I'd be like, fuck! 0.99

01:42:01.000 I can't believe my stop is here already. 1.00

01:42:03.000 Yeah.

01:42:05.000 Christine, wasn't Christine him?

01:42:06.000 That was one of my favorites.

01:42:07.000 Christine, I like the car ones for some reason.

01:42:09.000 Christine was awesome. 0.99

01:42:10.000 Christine was the car one. 0.99

01:42:11.000 Yeah.

01:42:11.000 Oh, and Maximum Overdrive.

01:42:12.000 I never read that one.

01:42:13.000 Maximum Overdrive was the truck one where the trucks came to life.

01:42:17.000 The one had the Green Goblin in the front of it.

01:42:20.000 It's badass.

01:42:21.000 I just remember the Green Goblin and I thought that was so good. 0.97

01:42:22.000 Is there any one guy that's responsible for more badass fucking stories than Stephen King? 0.97

01:42:27.000 He's got a lot. 0.99

01:42:28.000 He's very, very...

01:42:29.000 He writes a lot.

01:42:29.000 He's so prolific, man.

01:42:30.000 Remember that old Saturday Night Live sketch where he was doing an interview?

01:42:33.000 No.

01:42:33.000 And the whole time he was doing an interview, it might have been Dana Carvey.

01:42:35.000 It was one of those time periods.

01:42:36.000 And he's just typing away.

01:42:37.000 Just typing away on his computer.

01:42:39.000 And he's like, yeah, I'm writing a new book about whatever.

01:42:40.000 And he's like, how do you get your whatever?

01:42:42.000 He's like, ah, you know, I go to the supermarket.

01:42:43.000 He just keeps typing.

01:42:44.000 And then all of a sudden it just stops.

01:42:46.000 And the guy goes, what's the matter?

01:42:47.000 He goes, I just...

01:42:49.000 Just got writer's block.

01:42:50.000 Oh, gone!

01:42:50.000 And then it just goes right back to typing.

01:42:53.000 Yeah.

01:42:53.000 That was funny.

01:42:54.000 No one's got less writer's block than that guy.

01:42:56.000 Yeah.

01:42:56.000 He just forces himself to work and work every day.

01:42:58.000 I mean, he was working after he recovered from his horrible car accident.

01:43:01.000 If you don't know the stories, some guy was like talking to his dog in his car and not paying attention.

01:43:06.000 He clipped Stephen King and was walking on the side of the road.

01:43:09.000 Oh, no.

01:43:09.000 Yeah.

01:43:10.000 Nailed him, dude.

01:43:11.000 Sent him flying. 1.00

01:43:12.000 Broke every fucking bone in his body. 1.00

01:43:14.000 His hips, his legs, his femur, his arms, his ribs. 1.00

01:43:17.000 He's just fucked for like the longest time. 0.98

01:43:20.000 So it took him forever to recover from that. 1.00

01:43:22.000 And as he's recovering, they set up a fucking desk for him and he gave him a fucking computer. 0.99

01:43:26.000 He was typing away. 0.99

01:43:27.000 He started working again.

01:43:28.000 You know, Ralph, he told a story at my story show about how he got into a car accident and the same thing happened.

01:43:34.000 Really?

01:43:34.000 Broke all the bones in his body.

01:43:35.000 He told me we're going to walk again.

01:43:36.000 When was this?

01:43:37.000 When he was, I think, in high school.

01:43:39.000 Really?

01:43:39.000 Yeah, and then he was like a jock, and then he said, he was talking about it, but he just got real solemn, and he goes, you know, and then I gained some weight from there, and it just kind of spiraled.

01:43:47.000 Wow. 0.99

01:43:47.000 That's how shit happens in life. 0.99

01:43:49.000 Huh. 0.99

01:43:50.000 Yeah, it was really good, because really, everyone was just listening hard.

01:43:54.000 Wow.

01:43:55.000 Yeah.

01:43:56.000 Yeah, Ralphie's got that thing where you don't talk about it when you're around him, but, you know, he's morbidly obese.

01:44:03.000 Yeah, he makes jokes about it, but I still don't really talk about it with him.

01:44:06.000 Yeah, I don't either.

01:44:07.000 Hmm.

01:44:09.000 It's like there's a few of those dudes.

01:44:11.000 It's like you don't know what to say to them.

01:44:13.000 There's nothing you can say.

01:44:14.000 You got your own personal journey you're on, man.

01:44:16.000 Yeah.

01:44:16.000 And you're not in a good spot.

01:44:18.000 You got to figure it out.

01:44:20.000 You got to somehow or another turn that boat.

01:44:23.000 Or you don't.

01:44:23.000 Or don't.

01:44:24.000 You don't beat everything in your life. 0.53

01:44:26.000 Yeah, and you know, for some people, it's so fucking difficult to lose weight.

01:44:31.000 Some people just have it made. 0.69

01:44:32.000 They can eat all day and they don't have any problems at all. 1.00

01:44:34.000 But other people, man, like Brian, you fucking struggle, man. 0.99

01:44:37.000 Like you eat like a cheeseburger and all of a sudden you gain like five pounds. 0.99

01:44:40.000 Like it doesn't even make sense.

01:44:41.000 A cheeseburger doesn't even weigh five pounds.

01:44:43.000 Right.

01:44:43.000 Somehow or another, like you gain more weight than you eat.

01:44:46.000 Yeah.

01:44:46.000 It's all because of my metabolism.

01:44:49.000 Like today, I haven't had one thing today and it's 5.30.

01:44:53.000 You know, I haven't ate one thing today except coffee.

01:44:56.000 Well, that's not good for your metabolism either.

01:44:58.000 You're supposed to eat small...

01:44:58.000 That's what I'm saying.

01:44:59.000 My metabolism's fucked up, so I eat a hamburger. 0.98

01:45:01.000 No, you're supposed to eat lots of small meals. 0.99

01:45:03.000 Oh, I know.

01:45:03.000 The way you're supposed to do it.

01:45:04.000 I know.

01:45:05.000 That's what I'm saying. 0.99

01:45:06.000 I suck at it. 0.99

01:45:07.000 Oh. 0.99

01:45:08.000 Bad eating habits.

01:45:09.000 You did it for a while, man.

01:45:10.000 You got down... 1.00

01:45:11.000 You lost some stupid amount of weight, didn't you, at one point in time? 1.00

01:45:15.000 60 to 70. You did it over the course of five months, right? 1.00

01:45:18.000 Well, the majority of it was three months, and then...

01:45:20.000 And then, like, 10 or 15 pounds per day.

01:45:22.000 Wow.

01:45:22.000 How much have you gained back?

01:45:25.000 I got down to 165. Right now I'm 185, so...

01:45:28.000 Okay, so 20 pounds back.

01:45:30.000 Not terrible.

01:45:31.000 But 165, you were done, or you were still losing weight?

01:45:34.000 165 is like the max that I get. 0.99

01:45:36.000 No, I thought I looked like I had AIDS, so I was like, fuck this. 0.99

01:45:39.000 Oh, yeah. 1.00

01:45:39.000 That's what you look like, stupid. 1.00

01:45:41.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:45:41.000 I don't like the AIDS, me. 1.00

01:45:43.000 It's just your faces. 0.68

01:45:44.000 You just get used to that round face.

01:45:45.000 Yeah, it's like whenever I shave a goatee.

01:45:47.000 If I have a goatee for like a year, then I shave it.

01:45:48.000 It's like, whoa, what happened to my lips?

01:45:50.000 Yeah, when I shave my face, I'm amazed at how small my head looks.

01:45:54.000 When I grow a beard, my head looks like it's ten times bigger. 0.99

01:45:57.000 I get this fucking black mass in my face. 1.00

01:46:01.000 And I feel like I have this big, fat, stupid face. 1.00

01:46:03.000 My face feels fat and stupid. 1.00

01:46:05.000 And then I shave it, and I'm like, oh, my face is under there. 0.99

01:46:08.000 Yeah, I just shaved it for that very reason. 0.99

01:46:11.000 I was just like, God, I look fucking old and fat right now. 0.99

01:46:15.000 I shaved it and I got ID'd for fucking buying NyQuil the other day at fucking CVS. You always get ID'd for buying NyQuil. 0.99

01:46:21.000 I never had that problem with NyQuil.

01:46:22.000 Well, they're supposed to.

01:46:23.000 You get ID'd no matter how old you are so that they know who's buying it.

01:46:27.000 Yeah, you can't.

01:46:28.000 It's not because they're carding you, bro.

01:46:30.000 They carded you for NyQuil, bro.

01:46:32.000 No, that's not what they're doing, man.

01:46:35.000 They're doing that because you're supposed to get registered.

01:46:38.000 You're supposed to register when you buy anything that can turn into meth.

01:46:41.000 Wow, that's crazy.

01:46:42.000 I love those moments in life where you're convinced.

01:46:44.000 It was like, well, I guess I look really young.

01:46:45.000 And you just have that convinced that this is a fact.

01:46:47.000 And then you're playing another fact.

01:46:49.000 And you're like, oh.

01:46:50.000 I heard some girl in Vegas go, oh my god, I still get carded all the time. 1.00

01:46:54.000 And I swear to god, she looked like she was 45 years old. 0.85

01:46:58.000 Some people just want to believe that.

01:47:00.000 I get carded all the time. 0.99

01:47:02.000 No one wants to ever admit, like, damn. 0.98

01:47:04.000 I thought they took the chemical out of NyQuil that you can make meth with. 0.98

01:47:10.000 Yes.

01:47:10.000 They took the chemical out of most things that you can make meth with.

01:47:14.000 But you can still do it.

01:47:16.000 We can still make a certain amount of things.

01:47:18.000 Really?

01:47:19.000 The late acetaminophen, and there's certain things that are very desirable.

01:47:22.000 In there.

01:47:23.000 But codeine used to be in NyQuil.

01:47:25.000 Right.

01:47:25.000 That was a different thing.

01:47:26.000 It's not the meth stuff.

01:47:28.000 The lady said, because when I asked her, I was like, are you seriously IDing me for NyQuil?

01:47:31.000 She goes, well, it's because CVS's policy is to try to get We need kids not to get addicted to cough syrup at a young age, and that's why they have to do it.

01:47:39.000 Well, there's that too.

01:47:40.000 She said they ID anyone under the age of 18. Oh, so she did ID you for your age?

01:47:46.000 Yes.

01:47:46.000 Wow.

01:47:47.000 But what kind of shit are you getting? 1.00

01:47:48.000 Are you getting prescription shit? 1.00

01:47:50.000 No, I was just getting NyQuil the other day. 1.00

01:47:52.000 But NyQuil doesn't have codeine.

01:47:54.000 Wait, so if I said a 16-year-old boy...

01:47:57.000 And to get NyQuil, they wouldn't sell it to them?

01:47:59.000 Right.

01:48:00.000 This is a new thing?

01:48:01.000 For CVS. CVS's policy.

01:48:03.000 Well, I wouldn't know because I've never gone to it.

01:48:05.000 I thought they were just...

01:48:05.000 I thought you were...

01:48:06.000 When I say NyQuil, I don't buy the drink.

01:48:08.000 I get the pills.

01:48:10.000 The NyQuil pills.

01:48:10.000 Like DayQuil and NyQuil.

01:48:11.000 That can't be legal for them to track who you are.

01:48:14.000 But I've seen the other stuff, too.

01:48:15.000 Yeah, I've seen it too, but when they stopped having codeine in it, I stopped buying it.

01:48:18.000 I had it once.

01:48:19.000 Wasn't it fun?

01:48:20.000 I was sick, dude. 0.90

01:48:21.000 I was on news radio, and I had the day off, luckily, and I was sick, and I took codeine, the codeine NyQuil, and I sat in front of my fucking TV, watching TV, going, I feel so awesome. 0.97

01:48:32.000 I was so high. 0.95

01:48:35.000 Codeine is a very different kind of high. 0.87

01:48:37.000 It's a very like happy, silly, relaxed.

01:48:41.000 Like my pillow felt great.

01:48:43.000 That sounds cool.

01:48:43.000 My covers felt great.

01:48:45.000 Oh, NyQuil with codeine was the shit. 0.99

01:48:47.000 How much would you have to drink to get that? 1.00

01:48:48.000 I drank whatever it said to drink.

01:48:51.000 It said like a capful.

01:48:52.000 At Benji's had a July 5th party last year and we had his grandmother's cough medicine and some kids were doing it. 1.00

01:48:57.000 Was it the real shit with codeine? 0.99

01:48:58.000 It was like the real crazy stuff. 1.00

01:48:59.000 Well, the real shit with codeine in it is hard to get, but you used to be able to get it at a corner store. 0.99

01:49:03.000 I know a comic who used to be addicted to it. 0.99

01:49:05.000 I think it's just over-the-counter.

01:49:06.000 I think you can still get it if you just talk to a pharmacist at CVS. With codeine, bro?

01:49:11.000 I don't think so.

01:49:12.000 I don't know if it's the same stuff, bro.

01:49:14.000 You can still get the liquid NyQuil, definitely.

01:49:16.000 Yes. 0.72

01:49:16.000 You can still get liquid NyQuil and it'll still fuck you up, but it won't fuck you up as well. 0.72

01:49:20.000 I think the NyQuil... 0.99

01:49:21.000 Listen, we're talking shit and we can just Google this. 0.99

01:49:23.000 We're just quoting facts for guessing. 0.99

01:49:25.000 We've been doing this all day.

01:49:26.000 It's probably like 60 to 100%.

01:49:28.000 Yeah, probably 100%.

01:49:28.000 And then maybe...

01:49:30.000 But yeah, you know, when I was a kid, I didn't even do the NyQuil for a while.

01:49:33.000 What I started off was doing is the No-Dos because it was like speed.

01:49:37.000 And so I'd buy a shitload of No-Dos. 1.00

01:49:39.000 Remember those?

01:49:39.000 No-Dos.

01:49:40.000 No, I took those from college. 1.00

01:49:41.000 Fucking used to take like 20 of those motherfuckers. 1.00

01:49:43.000 Vibrant. 1.00

01:49:44.000 I was always scared of that shit. 1.00

01:49:45.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:49:46.000 You would never do 20. Because one of those things, you take it, man, you're committed to that.

01:49:49.000 Yeah. 0.98

01:49:50.000 You know, if you're for the next fucking three hours. 0.99

01:49:52.000 That was my first drug. 0.98

01:49:54.000 A lot of people used to do that before football or basketball games to get up, you know?

01:49:59.000 So I take one of those pills, caffeine pills, whatever they're called.

01:50:02.000 Yeah.

01:50:03.000 Now I need that five-hour energy drink.

01:50:06.000 Now you got that.

01:50:07.000 Yeah.

01:50:07.000 Which, by the way, I finally read the bottle.

01:50:08.000 It says half a bottle for moderate awakeness.

01:50:11.000 I would always take the whole thing and be up for like nine hours.

01:50:14.000 Yeah, now I just take like a third.

01:50:15.000 Really?

01:50:15.000 It's always enough for me.

01:50:16.000 I don't drink coffee like you do.

01:50:18.000 Yeah, you don't drink any caffeine.

01:50:20.000 You used to, but then you got the headaches once, right?

01:50:23.000 I switched.

01:50:24.000 No, I never drank coffee.

01:50:25.000 I switched from Cokes to Sprites.

01:50:27.000 Just my taste changed one day, and then the withdrawal gave me humongous headaches.

01:50:32.000 So then I was like, I don't want to have to go through the withdrawal if I change my tastes.

01:50:35.000 I agree, but coffee's awesome.

01:50:38.000 You guys are addicts.

01:50:39.000 Tate Fletcher said it best. 0.88

01:50:40.000 He said, it's like a warm hug.

01:50:42.000 That's what coffee's like.

01:50:43.000 Sounds like an era.

01:50:45.000 Tate, he's right.

01:50:46.000 Coffee's delicious.

01:50:47.000 I love it.

01:50:48.000 I love it when I write.

01:50:49.000 It's comforting.

01:50:50.000 Like I write something and then I take a little sip.

01:50:51.000 Here's my little reward for writing.

01:50:53.000 Even as a kid, I liked coffee ice cream.

01:50:56.000 I loved the taste of coffee. 1.00

01:50:57.000 Well, the shit I buy is from Hawaii. 1.00

01:50:59.000 I buy that Kona coffee. 1.00

01:51:01.000 It's so delicious, man. 1.00

01:51:02.000 They're bad motherfuckers. 1.00

01:51:04.000 It's weird how there's spots in the world where they just have it down. 1.00

01:51:07.000 They can just grow one thing.

01:51:08.000 Awesome.

01:51:09.000 And in Kona, on the big island of Hawaii, they'd make the best taste in coffee, man.

01:51:13.000 It's so good.

01:51:15.000 It's like cigars from Cuba.

01:51:17.000 There's like Balto Viejo.

01:51:19.000 I forget the name of the place.

01:51:20.000 And the climate is perfect for the way the land looks.

01:51:21.000 It's a small area.

01:51:22.000 The area where they can grow the best cigars in Cuba is very small. 1.00

01:51:26.000 But that fucking soil, there's something about that shit. 1.00

01:51:29.000 The way the sun hits it every day. 1.00

01:51:31.000 Whatever it is, man.

01:51:32.000 The right spot on the planet.

01:51:33.000 The right amount of dead plants have rotted in there over the millions of years.

01:51:38.000 And it's just the perfect soil.

01:51:39.000 That makes the best tobacco.

01:51:41.000 Yeah, and they've been growing them there for years and years.

01:51:44.000 Like, they can make a real good cigar when they take the seeds from...

01:51:48.000 Bring them to Nicaragua or Dominican Republic. 0.82

01:51:50.000 They can still make a pretty kick-ass cigar.

01:51:52.000 But there's just something, a little extra kick. 0.80

01:51:54.000 If you know cigars, there's a little extra kick about those Cubans. 1.00

01:51:57.000 Habanero peppers you get in from Mexico are hotter.

01:52:00.000 Really?

01:52:00.000 And habanero peppers are grown up here.

01:52:02.000 How much hotter?

01:52:02.000 I can taste them.

01:52:04.000 Really?

01:52:04.000 Yeah.

01:52:05.000 Yeah, you fucked up. 1.00

01:52:06.000 We never went to that chili place. 1.00

01:52:08.000 The dude died.

01:52:09.000 I always thought I would go. 1.00

01:52:10.000 Fuck, we fucked up, man. 1.00

01:52:11.000 There was a place in Encino called Chili My Soul. 1.00

01:52:14.000 And dude, I went there with my boy Tom Hershko and David Hurwitz from Fear Factor.

01:52:18.000 And it was a guy who was just a chili fanatic.

01:52:21.000 And he was hard core.

01:52:24.000 Like you couldn't believe that a guy had a store and he was selling chili this hot.

01:52:28.000 Because he would have a bunch of different levels.

01:52:30.000 But there was a level, I didn't even try 10. I tried level 9. And that was good.

01:52:34.000 Oh my god!

01:52:36.000 Wow.

01:52:37.000 Wow.

01:52:37.000 What's that called?

01:52:39.000 Capiscopum?

01:52:39.000 What is that stuff called?

01:52:41.000 Capsation.

01:52:42.000 Capsation?

01:52:42.000 Yeah.

01:52:43.000 I've only seen it written.

01:52:44.000 I've never said the word.

01:52:45.000 But that stuff, he had that stuff in it.

01:52:47.000 And it had the ghost pepper.

01:52:51.000 Yeah, the Indian ghost pepper.

01:52:51.000 Yes, that's what it's called, the ghost pepper.

01:52:53.000 He had one of those guys? 0.99

01:52:55.000 Yes, he had the extract of ghost pepper in some of his shit. 0.99

01:52:58.000 Yeah, I saw that at a hot sauce place in Austin. 0.99

01:53:01.000 But it was at a place that served hot sauce bottles.

01:53:03.000 The Scoville units are off the charts. 0.99

01:53:05.000 So I didn't even have the super crazy death shit. 0.99

01:53:07.000 I had one notch below that. 1.00

01:53:09.000 I put one scoop into my mouth.

01:53:11.000 My tongue went numb.

01:53:12.000 I started hiccuping completely uncontrollably.

01:53:16.000 Tears were flowing down my face.

01:53:18.000 Snot was pouring down my nose.

01:53:20.000 Now you can see how that's a defense mechanism.

01:53:22.000 You would never try that again if you accidentally were like, maybe I'll try this berry.

01:53:26.000 You would never try that berry again.

01:53:28.000 But he told me that he would get dudes that would come in from Tibet especially.

01:53:32.000 Like people had heard about it.

01:53:33.000 Like Tibetan dudes apparently have insane tolerance for hot foods. 1.00

01:53:38.000 And they would come in and take his death shit and pour more death sauce, more capsaicin, more pour that shit on his chili. 1.00

01:53:47.000 And he couldn't believe they could eat it. 1.00

01:53:48.000 He would sit there watching them and these guys would just love it.

01:53:51.000 They were sweating and loving it.

01:53:53.000 Loving it.

01:53:54.000 It's like, I guess different people in different climates develop some sort of a different tolerance.

01:53:58.000 Yeah, they eat a lot of thyme. 0.99

01:54:01.000 I just shit blood now. 1.00

01:54:02.000 If I even get close to that shit. 1.00

01:54:04.000 Dude, I'm telling you, I have never had anything as hot as this chili. 1.00

01:54:07.000 And this was, like I said, this was number 9 out of 10. Done.

01:54:10.000 He died in clothes.

01:54:11.000 Yeah, he died.

01:54:12.000 I always thought I would do it.

01:54:12.000 He was a big guy.

01:54:14.000 He ate a lot of his own chili.

01:54:16.000 They used to have it, too, at that place, The Griddle.

01:54:18.000 Is that the place in Hollywood?

01:54:19.000 They used to have his chilies.

01:54:21.000 They used to sell them there.

01:54:21.000 Oh, really?

01:54:22.000 That's how I found out the guy died.

01:54:23.000 Because I said, hey, you guys don't have those chilies anymore. 0.96

01:54:25.000 And they go, oh, the guy died.

01:54:27.000 I'm like, oh, no.

01:54:29.000 Such a bummer, man.

01:54:31.000 See, that's when those people die.

01:54:32.000 Like when Macho Man Randy Savage died, it's like, it's too bad.

01:54:34.000 But he wasn't in my world anymore.

01:54:36.000 He wasn't assisting me.

01:54:37.000 Or Michael Jackson, he's not making any good music anymore.

01:54:39.000 But when a guy like that dies, you're like, you have a loss now.

01:54:43.000 Yeah, well, he was a real chilly connoisseur.

01:54:45.000 I would have loved to have seen him on that Anthony Bourdain show.

01:54:48.000 The No Reservation Show, he would have definitely had to have visited that guy if the guy stayed alive. 1.00

01:54:54.000 But anyway, his chilies were the shit, man. 0.99

01:54:56.000 He had all these different flavors, and they were just, all of them would just, you'd be sweating. 1.00

01:55:01.000 And he had these hardcore dudes that would go there.

01:55:04.000 He had recommendations and all these articles written about his place all over the wall.

01:55:08.000 It was just because the chili was so hardcore.

01:55:11.000 All the crazy people would be like, dude, we found the spot.

01:55:15.000 If you're really insane into that hot food, some people can just throw it down.

01:55:19.000 I love it.

01:55:20.000 I do too, but I don't think I can take as much as you can take.

01:55:23.000 My dad was way more than me.

01:55:26.000 Really?

01:55:26.000 Yeah.

01:55:27.000 It's also, it's a stupid thing. 1.00

01:55:28.000 People somehow, yeah, make it like, oh, I'm tough. 1.00

01:55:31.000 I can do this.

01:55:31.000 Like, you're not tough.

01:55:32.000 You just like that stuff better.

01:55:33.000 It's a manly thing.

01:55:34.000 How much you can take.

01:55:35.000 That's what I told you.

01:55:36.000 The same thing.

01:55:36.000 People in Australia are making fun of me because I wasn't drinking so much.

01:55:39.000 Like, oh, you have no tolerance.

01:55:40.000 And I was like, light up a joint and I will take this whole country on.

01:55:45.000 Let's do this.

01:55:45.000 You want to talk about manhood?

01:55:46.000 Let's fucking do this. 0.99

01:55:47.000 That's totally unfair because they don't have real pot there. 0.99

01:55:50.000 No, they don't.

01:55:50.000 I mean, they do, but they don't.

01:55:52.000 They think they do.

01:55:53.000 They think their pot's awesome.

01:55:54.000 You're like, that's cute.

01:55:55.000 You want to rub their head?

01:55:56.000 Sweet.

01:55:57.000 Sweet with your little 15% THC. Joey Diaz brought some shit over yesterday. 1.00

01:56:02.000 It was 34% THC. The Matz? 1.00

01:56:05.000 Is that what he brought?

01:56:06.000 Matt's OG Kush. 0.89

01:56:07.000 That's ridiculous. 1.00

01:56:10.000 That shit can change the world, okay? 1.00

01:56:12.000 If we get enough people to try Matt's OG Kush, it could change the fucking world. 1.00

01:56:16.000 It takes you for the whole ride, too. 0.94

01:56:17.000 It takes you for the whole ride, and when you're done, you have some things to think about.

01:56:21.000 Yeah, and you have to like, oh, I need a nap now.

01:56:23.000 Yeah, and you got some things to think about. 0.98

01:56:25.000 There might be somebody you want to call up and apologize for some shit that happened in the seventh grade. 0.98

01:56:29.000 Yeah. 0.98

01:56:30.000 Dude, Alex Moore yesterday had this stuff.

01:56:32.000 He grows this OG Kush from the same clone as the guy who grows at the store.

01:56:35.000 And he, the little buds are too small.

01:56:38.000 They boil it down and make honey butter out of it.

01:56:40.000 Have you guys ever seen that?

01:56:41.000 Oh my god.

01:56:41.000 They sift it through butane.

01:56:43.000 Let the butane, and so it melts into like paste.

01:56:45.000 Let the butane burn off because it just evaporates in the air.

01:56:49.000 And then it's just this like paste.

01:56:50.000 And it's so brutally high.

01:56:53.000 Oh my god.

01:56:54.000 It's crazy.

01:56:55.000 I'm so scared just listening to you talk about that.

01:56:57.000 I know. 1.00

01:56:58.000 Fuck that. 1.00

01:56:59.000 I think he said half grams go for like 60. People don't even know that have never eaten it. 1.00

01:57:04.000 They really don't know.

01:57:05.000 People, especially squares or people really straight, they don't know that experience.

01:57:10.000 When we joke around about it, like when Joey pulled out that cookie yesterday, I got scared.

01:57:15.000 That looks scary.

01:57:17.000 I got that taste in my mouth after eating mushrooms right before you start tripping.

01:57:20.000 That's the taste I can get.

01:57:22.000 First of all, there's a smell that certain really powerful edibles have.

01:57:25.000 There's a smell.

01:57:26.000 On the airline to...

01:57:29.000 Yes, yes.

01:57:29.000 Those are from the same place he gets them from.

01:57:31.000 Oh.

01:57:32.000 No, there's nothing on the airline to Australia.

01:57:34.000 Yeah, exactly.

01:57:34.000 You didn't do that.

01:57:36.000 There's no way you would do something that ridiculous. 0.97

01:57:38.000 Nobody caught me. 0.98

01:57:38.000 It's just a story. 0.98

01:57:39.000 It's just a story.

01:57:40.000 It's fiction, folks.

01:57:41.000 Anyway, yeah, there's a smell.

01:57:43.000 You opened up that cart and I was like...

01:57:44.000 I'm going to jail!

01:57:45.000 I didn't expect to smell like that.

01:57:46.000 Oh my god, I didn't smell!

01:57:49.000 Especially in that tube, that plane, when you broke that Tupperware seal and that hit me, I was like, I was thinking, I was thinking, I hope things ran through my mind. 0.99

01:57:58.000 Mugshot, mugshot, stamping the hand, stamping the hand, fingerprints, cuffs, jail door shut, phone call to lawyer, shit, how much? 0.99

01:58:06.000 Motherfucker, I could be here for how long? 1.00

01:58:08.000 Goddammit, Ari! 1.00

01:58:09.000 Slapping Ari.

01:58:10.000 I thought of like, I thought of like flashes.

01:58:12.000 I had like a slideshow.

01:58:14.000 Prison cell.

01:58:15.000 You ever like have a friend of like curses in public and you see all these kids behind you and he just forgot where he was? 0.98

01:58:19.000 You're like, shut up!

01:58:20.000 That was that feeling, the same thing. 1.00

01:58:21.000 Like, put that away! 1.00

01:58:22.000 Dude, what the fuck are you doing? 1.00

01:58:24.000 I was like, oh my god. 1.00

01:58:26.000 First of all, you just brought so much.

01:58:28.000 Yeah.

01:58:28.000 There was no way you could eat it all.

01:58:29.000 No.

01:58:30.000 And I was like, I can't join you.

01:58:31.000 It was for the trip.

01:58:32.000 But we were too deep in, too.

01:58:34.000 No.

01:58:34.000 There was only a couple hours to land.

01:58:35.000 I'm like, I can't.

01:58:37.000 The last thing you want to do is bake to the gills and then go through foreign country customs.

01:58:43.000 I chucked them.

01:58:44.000 I didn't take them in.

01:58:45.000 Yeah, dude.

01:58:45.000 Well, I show up for planes high, but I don't bring anything on me.

01:58:49.000 But when we were in Australia, I ate a cookie right before we left for the airport.

01:58:54.000 So by the time we got for the airport, I'm giving this lady my passport, and she's telling me that it doesn't look anything like me.

01:59:00.000 And you're believing her? 1.00

01:59:01.000 She's just some dumb... 1.00

01:59:02.000 No, she's just a dumb, dumb cunt. 1.00

01:59:05.000 My face is way more melted. 1.00

01:59:07.000 She was just dumb. 0.98

01:59:07.000 It was one of those things where you're talking to someone and you're like, I can't believe I'm forced to have a conversation with you and you're in some sort of position of power. 0.98

01:59:14.000 I go, that's me.

01:59:15.000 She goes, it doesn't look anything like you.

01:59:16.000 I go, what are you talking about?

01:59:17.000 I go, that's me.

01:59:18.000 I'm smiling in that picture.

01:59:20.000 See?

01:59:20.000 That's me.

01:59:21.000 I got a big smile.

01:59:23.000 It's just like...

01:59:24.000 She shakes her head, like, are you shaking your head because this isn't me?

01:59:27.000 Like, what are you saying?

01:59:28.000 I got it, like, ambivalent. 0.99

01:59:29.000 I'm like, this is ridiculous. 0.77

01:59:30.000 She wasn't going to let you in? 0.97

01:59:31.000 Dude, she was questioning me.

01:59:33.000 I was like, oh my god, lady.

01:59:34.000 I've been here for three days.

01:59:35.000 I work for the Ultimate Fighting Championship.

01:59:37.000 I'm going.

01:59:38.000 Oh, wow. 1.00

01:59:38.000 What the fuck? 1.00

01:59:40.000 Oh, wow. 1.00

01:59:40.000 Crazy Australian broad. 1.00

01:59:42.000 They're all crazy out there. 1.00

01:59:43.000 Oh, they are, but at least, you know, they let you in. 0.99

01:59:46.000 In Canada, like, no, you cut a fart in high school.

01:59:50.000 Go home.

01:59:51.000 That's all it takes, really.

01:59:52.000 Oh, my God. 0.99

01:59:53.000 You did anything fucked up. 0.99

01:59:55.000 Even if what you did was, like, you were exonerated from, you're still getting pulled into a room. 0.99

02:00:00.000 Eddie Bravo can't go to Canada without getting pulled into a room because he got a gun charge that was illegal.

02:00:05.000 He had a gun on him.

02:00:06.000 He was legal.

02:00:07.000 He was working for a check cashing company, carrying around a ton of cash with him.

02:00:10.000 He got pulled over for a traffic violation, and he informed the officer, I have a loaded gun in the car.

02:00:16.000 He said, thank you, step out.

02:00:17.000 Why do you need this?

02:00:17.000 They handcuff him.

02:00:18.000 They put him in the car.

02:00:19.000 I work for a check cashing company.

02:00:21.000 I have to carry a gun.

02:00:22.000 I carry large amounts of cash.

02:00:23.000 They check up at the store.

02:00:24.000 Okay, you're all set.

02:00:25.000 Here's your gun.

02:00:26.000 Free to go.

02:00:27.000 But it's still on his record. 0.99

02:00:28.000 So every time we go to Canada, he gets pulled over into a fucking room, and they grill him. 1.00

02:00:32.000 That's nuts. 1.00

02:00:33.000 Shh. 1.00

02:00:34.000 Yeah, they don't fuck around in Canada, son. 1.00

02:00:37.000 What are you doing? 1.00

02:00:39.000 I was making fun of my sound that I heard on my face.

02:00:41.000 He went...

02:00:43.000 Brian's in another place today.

02:00:45.000 Strange Brian today.

02:00:46.000 Brian, why won't you do Shroomfest?

02:00:48.000 Why won't you be a part of it?

02:00:49.000 Honestly, I just ate.

02:00:51.000 There's no reason I need to reset my body before I go back into that.

02:00:54.000 Yeah, it's good to take time off, bro.

02:00:56.000 You learned something.

02:00:57.000 You had a crazy trip.

02:00:58.000 Right. 1.00

02:00:58.000 And everybody who says that you don't learn anything and it's just like, fuck you. 1.00

02:01:02.000 I'm so tired of that argument, man. 1.00

02:01:05.000 It's online all the time.

02:01:06.000 Like, you don't learn anything.

02:01:07.000 You're just frying your brain.

02:01:08.000 You definitely haven't done it.

02:01:10.000 Here's what I think.

02:01:11.000 I don't...

02:01:12.000 I feel that there's a connection to a higher power or anything like that, but I learned stuff about myself and what would make me happy.

02:01:17.000 I see myself and my place in the world clearly.

02:01:20.000 And the more that I could hold onto and take back with me, the better it is for me.

02:01:23.000 Well, the idea is that that is the higher power.

02:01:26.000 The higher power is realization.

02:01:27.000 The higher power is understanding.

02:01:29.000 The higher power is a stage of enlightenment that you can achieve while under the spell of the mushroom that you don't normally have.

02:01:35.000 That is the higher power.

02:01:37.000 It's not God.

02:01:37.000 It's a higher amount of power that you have.

02:01:39.000 You keep going deeper and deeper.

02:01:40.000 It connects you more and more to the truth and more and more to the love.

02:01:43.000 What you're getting out of it by getting a fresh perspective on yourself and dissolving your ego and you feel this connection of love and everything.

02:01:51.000 What it's supposed to be is you connecting to I remember sitting in my car and thinking, there's no reason I don't tell people, like other comedians would say, that I like something they do.

02:02:10.000 Just show my support.

02:02:11.000 Instead of keeping it quiet and only saying, eh, this is messed up.

02:02:13.000 Just tell him.

02:02:13.000 I remember writing a letter to Chris Fairbanks saying, you have a really interesting delivery style.

02:02:17.000 And it's cool that it works like that.

02:02:19.000 Technically, that's awesome.

02:02:20.000 That's cool, man.

02:02:21.000 He just said, thank you.

02:02:22.000 I really appreciate that.

02:02:23.000 And that's like, why wouldn't I be doing that? 0.99

02:02:25.000 Why would I be holding myself back from doing that shit for so long? 0.99

02:02:28.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:02:29.000 There's no reason.

02:02:30.000 I love when, like, you know, you're not supposed to say it, but I love when I get emails from, like, comics that I respect, and they say they saw something.

02:02:37.000 It's like, you know, like, if Stan Hope will send me some email and they saw something that I did and loved it, I'm like...

02:02:42.000 It's a nice feeling.

02:02:44.000 And I do it all the time.

02:02:45.000 The other day really had me going.

02:02:46.000 I do that all the time, especially in person.

02:02:48.000 I love to do that in person. 0.98

02:02:49.000 You see a guy light up, you know, and you tell him, like, God damn, that bit you did was awesome. 0.72

02:02:54.000 Especially not telling him right after they get off. 0.95

02:02:56.000 You tell him, like, hey, I remember that, by the way.

02:02:58.000 I didn't see you after that, but I wanted to tell you.

02:02:59.000 That too.

02:02:59.000 Well, even when they, I mean, whenever you tell them, it doesn't matter.

02:03:02.000 Just tell them. 1.00

02:03:02.000 Yeah, man, you know, it's all hippie bullshit. 1.00

02:03:05.000 Everybody, you know what? 1.00

02:03:06.000 Fucking hippie bullshit. 1.00

02:03:08.000 Spread all that love, you queers. 1.00

02:03:10.000 Go suck each other's dicks. 1.00

02:03:11.000 See, that stuff is holding you back. 1.00

02:03:12.000 If you talk that way, if you have that, why are you so unhappy?

02:03:16.000 Don't be unhappy.

02:03:16.000 Because a lot of dudes are insecure.

02:03:18.000 They're insecure and they're struggling and they don't have what they want.

02:03:21.000 And when you're in a state where you don't have what you want and you haven't achieved what you want, you're in this constant state of unease. 0.99

02:03:27.000 And when you see people who are at ease, there's a tendency, a natural tendency that I've experienced myself to shit on those people. 0.98

02:03:34.000 To fight it. 1.00

02:03:34.000 To shit on those people and go, this fucking asshole. 1.00

02:03:37.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:03:37.000 Well, you think because you fucking, you got some money, you're better than me? 1.00

02:03:40.000 You know, there's a tendency to, yeah. 1.00

02:03:43.000 Like, oh, yeah, you're a fucking materialist. 1.00

02:03:45.000 Yeah, great. 1.00

02:03:46.000 Like, you're real deep.

02:03:47.000 Yeah, there's important things in life other than, you know, your career, your life.

02:03:51.000 And they want to say this just because they're in a position of unease.

02:03:55.000 Yeah, they want to hold you back.

02:03:56.000 It's like hating the Kardashians.

02:03:58.000 Yeah.

02:03:58.000 It's hard to like anything, man.

02:04:00.000 A lot of people have a hard time liking things.

02:04:03.000 They have a hard time enjoying things because they don't like themselves.

02:04:05.000 Even if you're not into it or whatever, you can like lots of stuff.

02:04:08.000 You can be like, that was awesome. 0.89

02:04:09.000 Some pitcher can be terrible, but you can throw one good pitch during a game, get lit up for 14 runs, but one fucking beautiful pitch, you can appreciate that one pitch. 1.00

02:04:17.000 I don't know what the fuck you're talking about. 0.99

02:04:18.000 You can see the positives in everything. 0.99

02:04:20.000 You don't have to hate everything.

02:04:21.000 Just because they're more successful, you don't have to hate them.

02:04:24.000 I deal with a lot of these message boards, especially for mixed martial arts, and the disrespect that these guys show to fighters that are doing the most dangerous and most fucked up job in the world, the riskiest job outside of being a soldier or a cop or a fire person, someone who actually risked their life, The next riskiest job is probably being a mixed martial arts fighter.

02:04:48.000 There's very little chance you're going to have a good future. 0.64

02:04:51.000 There's a real high chance you're going to get badly, badly injured.

02:04:54.000 And you may never make a lot of money.

02:04:56.000 Yeah, you're going to have knee reconstructions.

02:04:58.000 Everybody has broken hands.

02:04:59.000 Everybody has... 1.00

02:05:00.000 There's always shit that's going to go along. 0.99

02:05:01.000 And if you do it right, you can get glory and you can get to a great financial place. 1.00

02:05:08.000 But it's risky as fuck. 0.98

02:05:10.000 And I think that people owe... 0.99

02:05:13.000 Owe those people who are out there doing it and trying it, you owe them your respect.

02:05:17.000 Some level of respect.

02:05:18.000 When you see somebody super running, a lot of times it's like...

02:05:21.000 Well, you know, you say he didn't have a good style.

02:05:23.000 You say he didn't fight well.

02:05:24.000 It wasn't a good fight.

02:05:25.000 But to call him like a fang and all this. 0.99

02:05:28.000 These things that they say on these forums, like that people, they get so fucking insulting of fighters and shit all over all their performances. 0.99

02:05:36.000 It's like, man, guys cancel each other out. 0.99

02:05:39.000 Like people were shitting all over Tiago Alves. 1.00

02:05:41.000 Like Tiago looked like shit, couldn't pull the trigger. 1.00

02:05:42.000 Rick Story's a beast, man. 1.00

02:05:45.000 That kid's a gorilla. 0.99

02:05:46.000 That kid jumped all over Tiago, kneed the fuck out of his legs, didn't give him any inches, any room. 1.00

02:05:52.000 Instead of saying Tiago sucks, they're like, how good? 0.99

02:05:54.000 Is that Rick's story? 0.99

02:05:55.000 Fight!

02:05:55.000 And it was like, oh, the story's a blank and he just holds on until he's put me to sleep.

02:05:59.000 You're crazy. 1.00

02:06:00.000 They're balancing themselves out because both guys are awesome as fuck. 1.00

02:06:04.000 They're canceling each other out, rather. 0.97

02:06:06.000 Because Tiago Alves is awesome. 1.00

02:06:08.000 He's a bad motherfucker. 1.00

02:06:09.000 And this Rick story's a bad motherfucker, too. 1.00

02:06:11.000 And when you put the two of them together, sometimes it takes a long time for something to happen. 0.99

02:06:15.000 Because they're defending and canceling each other out, and they're throwing bombs at each other, and both of them are covering up well.

02:06:22.000 They're well-matched.

02:06:24.000 When they're well-matched, it makes for a really difficult fight for one guy to get the upper hand.

02:06:29.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah. 0.99

02:06:30.000 So people get so disrespectful and so unappreciative of the efforts of what these fucking guys go through. 0.98

02:06:37.000 We can't even wrap our heads around what they have to do. 0.99

02:06:40.000 They dedicate like six, eight weeks of their life minimum.

02:06:44.000 Training all day long.

02:06:45.000 All day! 1.00

02:06:47.000 Every fucking day! 0.99

02:06:48.000 When I see the training videos, I'm like, ugh, I never want to do any of that, let alone every day. 0.99

02:06:52.000 It's brutal.

02:06:53.000 And those people probably are 11 years old.

02:06:55.000 You know, it's like, internet hate.

02:06:57.000 You get these people, and you're like, oh, we forget.

02:06:59.000 That guy's probably...

02:07:00.000 You know what's a lot sadder? 0.99

02:07:01.000 Some of them are in their 40s, and they're still just a bunch of mean cunts talking shit about Machida or whoever. 0.99

02:07:06.000 I just let that go. 0.99

02:07:06.000 Whenever somebody says something, I see something like that online, it's like, I wish... 0.99

02:07:09.000 I don't know.

02:07:09.000 Well, I think people are learning how to navigate online.

02:07:11.000 I think there's more negativity than ever online, but I think that's because there's more people online than ever.

02:07:18.000 There's places where you can find where you can minimize your negativity, like your Twitter account.

02:07:23.000 You can easily minimize the negativity on your Twitter page.

02:07:26.000 Like blocking people that constantly do that?

02:07:27.000 I very rarely will argue with anyone on Twitter.

02:07:30.000 When you say something cunty, when am I going to defend myself? 1.00

02:07:33.000 I just block you or I retweet what you said so that everybody else knows what kind of a cunt you are. 1.00

02:07:38.000 And then I block you. 1.00

02:07:39.000 If they say something where they're just questioning something I thought, then that's okay.

02:07:43.000 Just say it nicely. 1.00

02:07:43.000 But when you're like, you fucking idiot moron. 1.00

02:07:45.000 It's like, shut up. 1.00

02:07:46.000 I know. 1.00

02:07:47.000 There's so many idiots out there. 1.00

02:07:47.000 I heard this thing on NPR today on the way over here. 1.00

02:07:49.000 They were talking about this guy wrote some book about how the way you act online will bleed into your real life.

02:07:54.000 Oh, for sure. 1.00

02:07:55.000 So if you're constantly going, you fucking loser, idiot, kill yourself, this video's terrible, fuck you. 1.00

02:08:00.000 Like, you take that with you to work the next day, and you're more negative, not all of it, but some level, you're way more negative with your coworkers and stuff and your friends. 1.00

02:08:07.000 Totally makes sense.

02:08:08.000 You know, you can't just get away with that.

02:08:10.000 There's this energy connected to all that negativity you're pumping out, and it's going to come back around. 0.99

02:08:15.000 Again, it sounds like hippie bullshit, but it's proven to be reality over and over again. 0.99

02:08:18.000 When they're 60, they look like they're 35. Okay? 1.00

02:08:21.000 Really?

02:08:21.000 They have great lives.

02:08:22.000 They have stress-free lives.

02:08:23.000 Go be a hippie.

02:08:24.000 It's not the worst thing in the world.

02:08:25.000 New challenge for you, Hari. 0.56

02:08:27.000 What are you talking about?

02:08:28.000 Every time you see a flower, you have to smell it.

02:08:31.000 Every time I see a flower, that's going to be so hard.

02:08:33.000 I have to pull over and stuff.

02:08:34.000 A rose.

02:08:36.000 No.

02:08:36.000 I still have to pull over and stuff.

02:08:38.000 What if you fucking florist in every corner in LA? I've been doing it for the last couple months, and it's so embarrassing. 0.99

02:08:44.000 The other day, some dude was skateboarding, and I'm like, oh, fuck. 0.99

02:08:46.000 I'm walking by this rose. 0.98

02:08:47.000 I have to stop and smell this flower, but there's this kid skateboarding coming towards me.

02:08:51.000 You should stop and smell it.

02:08:52.000 I did.

02:08:52.000 Do you want to smell that flower?

02:08:53.000 I did.

02:08:54.000 Why are you forcing yourself to do it whether you like it or not?

02:08:57.000 Because it's good.

02:08:58.000 It's good?

02:08:59.000 It smells great.

02:08:59.000 It's good to tell yourself not to be embarrassed about the skateboarder.

02:09:01.000 Just go ahead and smell it if you want to smell it.

02:09:02.000 It smells good.

02:09:03.000 But I'm bringing you to a doctor.

02:09:05.000 I'm convinced.

02:09:05.000 There's something really wrong with you.

02:09:07.000 Major psychological damage.

02:09:08.000 Major damage. 0.99

02:09:09.000 You're like a...

02:09:10.000 I don't know.

02:09:11.000 There's something up there.

02:09:12.000 You don't see anything awesome about stopping and smelling a flower. 0.93

02:09:15.000 Every now and then, but don't let it fucking hold you up and be late for work and make you miss your flight. 0.87

02:09:20.000 I love it. 0.96

02:09:21.000 There's so many flowers, I have to keep pulling over.

02:09:22.000 The Rose Garden!

02:09:24.000 No!

02:09:24.000 No, I'm saying when you're walking, if you walk by one, smell one.

02:09:27.000 But it's great.

02:09:28.000 I've been doing it for a while and I love it now. 1.00

02:09:29.000 It fucking smells good shit. 1.00

02:09:31.000 So Ari, you had a freakout when you were at Brian's place. 1.00

02:09:35.000 Yeah.

02:09:35.000 Oh, here's another thing.

02:09:36.000 Because of that, I did have a freak out.

02:09:38.000 I would say, if you're going to do psychedelics, make sure you're around people that you trust, people that will help you.

02:09:45.000 Don't want to put yourself in a bad environment.

02:09:47.000 Good advice.

02:09:48.000 Don't do it live on a podcast when you're jammed into a room with five other people probably either.

02:09:54.000 Maybe.

02:09:54.000 Yeah.

02:09:55.000 So the idea was you guys were gonna do it on a podcast live.

02:09:59.000 You're gonna do salvia, which is still legal, right?

02:10:01.000 Is it legal in California?

02:10:02.000 Yes, it's legal.

02:10:03.000 So we weren't doing anything wrong, folks.

02:10:04.000 So you decided to do...

02:10:05.000 Isn't that crazy that salvia is legal, by the way?

02:10:07.000 Anyway, so you're doing salvia, you're doing it live on the air, and then you have a little spaz out.

02:10:13.000 Yeah.

02:10:13.000 Well, the problem is, here's the deal.

02:10:15.000 And I will say this, I can't stress enough.

02:10:17.000 Really, you need to trust your friends. 0.99

02:10:18.000 Because I would watch Brian fuck with everybody else that was doing it. 1.00

02:10:21.000 Shove farts right in their face and tell the girl she had her boobs out and make her feel self-conscious. 1.00

02:10:25.000 And it's like, Brian, don't. 0.99

02:10:26.000 Stop doing that. 1.00

02:10:28.000 They're fucked up. 1.00

02:10:29.000 Like acid and mushrooms and salvia, they don't need anybody's help to work. 1.00

02:10:33.000 They will work on their own chemically.

02:10:35.000 Right. 0.95

02:10:35.000 So every time he started pulling at me, I knew he was fucking with me in some way, but in my weird world where I barely had a grasp on reality, where I'm like, no, no, if you pull me over there, that's where I'll die. 0.95

02:10:46.000 And I know you're not trying to pull me over there, but I'm going to drown to death for the sake of your little game. 0.99

02:10:50.000 What?

02:10:51.000 Yeah, because you don't know where you are.

02:10:53.000 I'm in a different planet where the rules of physics, of gravity, and the time...

02:10:57.000 And meanwhile, Brian is pulling you through this world. 0.96

02:10:58.000 Brian is touching me, and I think he's fucking with me. 0.96

02:11:00.000 I don't think he's helping me in any way. 0.98

02:11:01.000 First, let's rewind here.

02:11:02.000 We had two other people do it on this podcast, which is the Naughty Shock podcast, and the first person was Seahang. 0.96

02:11:07.000 And again, I did not fuck with either of these people while they were doing it. 0.98

02:11:11.000 Yes, you did. 0.99

02:11:13.000 After it was done and they came out of it, we kind of fucked around, but they were back into consciousness. 0.99

02:11:18.000 No, you shoved that fart spray fleshlight into his face. 0.99

02:11:24.000 He shoved it into your face while you were under, too.

02:11:26.000 No.

02:11:27.000 Alright, that's another thing.

02:11:28.000 I didn't see that.

02:11:29.000 If you watched the video, it was behind his back and it was only for the cameras.

02:11:32.000 It wasn't for Ari.

02:11:33.000 Yeah, but I kept hearing you say stuff like, hey, this time say this. 0.99

02:11:36.000 Now I'm always like, are you guys fucking with me? 0.99

02:11:39.000 Or is my reality changing? 0.99

02:11:41.000 Let's say I did see that drapes becoming Waterfall. 0.98

02:11:43.000 I want to know something's fucking with me. 0.71

02:11:46.000 I want to know that's probably not the case. 0.99

02:11:48.000 Now watching this video, you realize I wasn't fucking with you at all. 0.97

02:11:51.000 No, you were. 0.98

02:11:51.000 You were putting psychedelic looks on the screen behind me. 0.98

02:11:54.000 Alright, the screen behind you was behind you, so you couldn't even see it.

02:11:57.000 I could turn this far and see it.

02:11:59.000 But you didn't.

02:11:59.000 But you were trying to do the same thing to Allison.

02:12:01.000 I saw you fucking... 1.00

02:12:01.000 It's okay. 1.00

02:12:02.000 Here's what I've come to mind.

02:12:03.000 Alright, what I was doing was not...

02:12:05.000 That's what you do. 0.99

02:12:05.000 Alright, what I was doing was not fucking with you. 0.99

02:12:08.000 It was for the video viewers of the show. 0.98

02:12:11.000 The TV was behind you.

02:12:12.000 You couldn't even see the TV. Yeah.

02:12:15.000 Okay, do you think that he could have possibly misconstrued what you were doing?

02:12:20.000 When I took ass to the UFC, before I even started tripping...

02:12:22.000 What? 0.95

02:12:22.000 He couldn't see what I was doing. 0.95

02:12:24.000 Hold on, listen.

02:12:25.000 Before I even started tripping, people, there's certain types of people, and that's okay, it's just who you are, will like to do things like this, which you did, you go, and I'm like, Brian, I know I'm not tripping yet.

02:12:35.000 And you keep trying, and it's like, I get it, but it's annoying, because soon I will try.

02:12:38.000 Don't talk, Brian, you gotta let him talk.

02:12:40.000 I know exactly what he's talking about.

02:12:42.000 But you can't interrupt, because this is not, Brian, this is not a podcast.

02:12:45.000 There's a million people listening.

02:12:46.000 I don't want anyone to do that, because soon I will be tripping, and I want to know, oh, that's me tripping. 0.96

02:12:51.000 I want to trust that I'm losing my reality now, and not someone's fucking with me, and making me think.

02:12:55.000 When we made Psycho Patty think she was on something, she didn't think she was on anything. 1.00

02:13:00.000 We made her think she was tripping, or whatever it was. 0.92

02:13:02.000 We didn't fuck with her trip. 0.93

02:13:04.000 Okay, alright. 0.91

02:13:04.000 This is what I told you last time you said this. 0.91

02:13:06.000 When we did, what you were talking about where I was talking like this.

02:13:10.000 Alright, this is two people having fun out at a UFC and you did acid. 0.96

02:13:15.000 It's not me fucking with you when I go, are you feeling it? 0.91

02:13:18.000 It's me just joking around with you as a friend would do if we weren't even on acid. 0.99

02:13:22.000 Right, right. 0.98

02:13:24.000 I'm not sitting here going, I'm going to fucking ruin this trip. 0.92

02:13:28.000 Brian, you are so attached to you haven't done anything wrong.

02:13:33.000 Do you understand how this is coming off?

02:13:34.000 And you're attached to that you think I did.

02:13:37.000 Bro, I'm not saying you did.

02:13:38.000 I have not said you did once.

02:13:40.000 But I'm saying you are so attached, you are so defending it.

02:13:44.000 You can't say, yeah, maybe I shouldn't have been saying that if it was annoying to you while you were trying to trip out on acid.

02:13:49.000 Maybe it was annoying.

02:13:50.000 I didn't mean to be.

02:13:51.000 But you're not listening to what happened.

02:13:52.000 I know what happened. 0.98

02:13:53.000 When Allison was under and you kept saying, oh, you had your boobs out. 0.97

02:13:59.000 You said it a few times. 0.84

02:14:00.000 Allison wasn't under.

02:14:02.000 You know that, right?

02:14:03.000 She never went under.

02:14:04.000 I know she didn't went under because she was sitting there talking to us the whole time. 0.88

02:14:07.000 Okay, so she faked it?

02:14:08.000 No. 0.98

02:14:09.000 When you're in Salvia, you either go under or you're feeling fucking crazy, right? 0.59

02:14:14.000 Ari went to a different world. 0.98

02:14:16.000 That's what Allison didn't do. 0.99

02:14:17.000 So wait a minute.

02:14:18.000 I don't get what you're defending. 1.00

02:14:19.000 So she was going fucking crazy and you're telling her her tits were out, so that's okay? 1.00

02:14:23.000 No, no. 1.00

02:14:23.000 We're all sitting there talking to her back and forth. 1.00

02:14:25.000 She was making sense.

02:14:26.000 She was not out of her mind. 0.99

02:14:28.000 She later said she was still tripping out balls. 1.00

02:14:30.000 No. 1.00

02:14:31.000 You can talk good when you're fucked up on psychedelics and still be fucked up, though. 0.99

02:14:37.000 She knew where she was, is what I'm saying. 0.99

02:14:39.000 She did not fall into a different world, and so did C. I was like, I'm going to barf.

02:14:44.000 And everyone was like, no, you're not going to barf.

02:14:45.000 And I was like, to Tripoli, I was like, I wouldn't sit right there if I were you.

02:14:49.000 But I was freaking out.

02:14:50.000 I felt like I was going to barf and I was toppling over, but I was still...

02:14:52.000 And who was telling you you're not going to barf?

02:14:55.000 Who was telling you you're not going to go barf?

02:14:56.000 Who got you a trash can? 1.00

02:14:57.000 Who was doing all this stuff to you, but you still think I attacked you somehow when you did your salvia?

02:15:01.000 Yeah, and beforehand too. 1.00

02:15:04.000 I see you fucking with people. 0.99

02:15:05.000 It's okay. 1.00

02:15:05.000 You like to fuck with people. 1.00

02:15:06.000 And then when we did acid one time, you thought I was fucking with you just because I was like, hey, are you feeling funny? 1.00

02:15:12.000 I had to fully tell you at some point. 0.99

02:15:12.000 You thought that was me fucking with you. 0.99

02:15:13.000 But I had to fully tell you at some point, like, Brian... 1.00

02:15:15.000 Why do you always think I'm fucking with you? 0.99

02:15:17.000 You like to do that. 1.00

02:15:17.000 That's your sense of humor. 1.00

02:15:18.000 Why is that in your head that you think I like to fuck with you? 1.00

02:15:20.000 Well, wait, wait, wait, Brian, Brian, Brian. 1.00

02:15:21.000 Do you not understand that maybe the way you play around, even though I know you're just playing around, it might not be fun for other people.

02:15:28.000 Yes, but what I'm saying is what he's talking about when he was doing acid, we were walking at a UFC... I've given you Ryan, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on.

02:15:38.000 You are explaining the reason why you did things, and you are saying that you did it just as a friend, And you were completely discounting his experience with what you were doing, and that what you were doing was annoying to him.

02:15:51.000 You're saying that you were doing it all from a good place, a place of a friend, a place of playing around, so he shouldn't be upset. 0.95

02:15:57.000 But what he's saying is, your actions are directly making him feel like shit, and you're not coming to grips with that. 0.97

02:16:04.000 See what you're saying? 0.99

02:16:05.000 But your officer didn't hear what his response was.

02:16:07.000 Hey, I'm not tripping. 0.99

02:16:08.000 And I was like, no, we're just fucking around. 0.95

02:16:10.000 We're walking to the bathroom. 1.00

02:16:12.000 We're not sitting here making voices to Ari that's sitting there going, wow, I'm fucked up. 0.99

02:16:18.000 We're walking to the bathroom at a UFC. I understand, Brian. 0.99

02:16:22.000 I know.

02:16:22.000 All I'm saying is what he said.

02:16:25.000 Brian, you have a real hard time with other people not agreeing with you on something.

02:16:30.000 I get what he's saying. 0.99

02:16:30.000 I gave you a bunch of different examples of you fucking with people. 0.99

02:16:33.000 All right, what's another one? 0.99

02:16:34.000 Brian, you don't feel bad for your actions, man.

02:16:36.000 You don't feel bad for making someone annoyed.

02:16:38.000 Joe, you're making me feel bad about something that didn't exist.

02:16:40.000 We're walking to the bathroom, and he's not tripping.

02:16:43.000 I am not trying to make you feel bad about that.

02:16:45.000 I'm making you feel bad about defending it relentlessly.

02:16:48.000 The action itself was no big deal.

02:16:50.000 And I'm saying it's not a big deal.

02:16:51.000 It is a big deal to him.

02:16:52.000 He said that you annoyed him, you annoyed him, and then when he was tripping, you were annoying him more.

02:16:57.000 That's just a game, I get it, but I get it.

02:16:58.000 Alright, was that the only thing I did that night?

02:17:00.000 Yes, right?

02:17:01.000 Later in the night, I had to tell you, like, Brian...

02:17:03.000 Later in the night, what did I do?

02:17:04.000 Okay, later in the night, I had something where I tell you, Brian, seriously, I need your help right now. 1.00

02:17:08.000 I can't have you fucking with me. 1.00

02:17:09.000 I need you to be protective of me instead of fucking with me. 1.00

02:17:11.000 I know, but I wasn't doing anything when you said that. 0.99

02:17:13.000 You just said that when we were sitting there at the UFC. Do you remember that?

02:17:16.000 We're on our way out.

02:17:17.000 Yeah, we're towards the outside.

02:17:18.000 Yes, but I wasn't doing anything when you said that. 1.00

02:17:20.000 You were just telling me to not fuck with you. 1.00

02:17:22.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:17:23.000 Right?

02:17:23.000 Because you were talking weird before.

02:17:24.000 No, I wasn't.

02:17:26.000 Okay, anyway, see Hong, when you put the spark spray in his face.

02:17:29.000 He wasn't.

02:17:30.000 Allison.

02:17:30.000 All right, I didn't.

02:17:31.000 But he was.

02:17:31.000 We found out later that he was.

02:17:32.000 Huh?

02:17:33.000 We found out later that every time you gave somebody three minutes, they were like still super bummed.

02:17:36.000 Now, you couldn't have known.

02:17:37.000 That's fine.

02:17:37.000 We all thought they were fine.

02:17:38.000 But you were fucking with them. 1.00

02:17:39.000 That's what you like to do. 1.00

02:17:41.000 You put that fart spray in people's faces.

02:17:43.000 Did I put it in his face or did he open it up?

02:17:46.000 I don't remember.

02:17:46.000 You just shoved it right in his face.

02:17:48.000 There was no second layer to it at all.

02:17:49.000 Or did I open it up and see it?

02:17:50.000 You just opened it up and shoved it in his face.

02:17:52.000 He didn't even touch it.

02:17:52.000 There was no, like, smell that thing.

02:17:54.000 I don't remember that.

02:17:55.000 Okay.

02:17:56.000 It's all on there. 0.97

02:17:57.000 But with Ari, with that whole thing, that last time, when I was talking funny and stuff like that, that was not me fucking with you. 0.86

02:18:03.000 And I know you said that at the time, but that really upset me. 0.85

02:18:07.000 Because what we were doing, we were just walking to go to the bathroom, and we were conversating.

02:18:12.000 And I just said- No, we were sitting in our seats.

02:18:14.000 There was one time we were sitting in our seats, and you were like- No, it was we were walking to the bathroom, Ari.

02:18:18.000 I was like, Brian, stop it, please.

02:18:19.000 And you go, I'm not doing anything.

02:18:20.000 I'm like, Brian.

02:18:21.000 I go, all right, I'm just joking.

02:18:23.000 But it's like, it was kind of ruining my trip.

02:18:26.000 But Ari, you weren't tripping yet.

02:18:28.000 Remember?

02:18:29.000 I know, but you want to know what's...

02:18:30.000 You know, but I know.

02:18:31.000 If I saw you sitting there tripping and it wasn't just 10 minutes after you took acid, I wouldn't do that.

02:18:37.000 That's what I'm trying to tell you.

02:18:38.000 It wasn't me attacking you.

02:18:40.000 I understand that, but you did do it and it did annoy you.

02:18:41.000 And when you're losing your grasp on reality...

02:18:43.000 Right?

02:18:43.000 I will never talk in a weird voice anytime you do any kind of trope.

02:18:48.000 You're so defensive, man.

02:18:50.000 This is a bad conversation.

02:18:52.000 You're not being attacked right now. 1.00

02:18:55.000 You're acting silly. 0.97

02:18:59.000 No one's attacking you. 0.98

02:19:00.000 My point to the people out there was, I would not do mushrooms with someone who you might think would mess with you in any way. 0.98

02:19:07.000 Look, no one's saying that what you did do didn't come from a place of fun and friendship and that you weren't trying to fuck with him.

02:19:14.000 But if someone does not want you to do that while you're doing it and you do it and it bothers them and it freaks them out, whatever you did to him, I saw you grabbing him, I saw the video when he was fucked up and you were holding on to him and talking to him and I saw you pull out the fleshlight and I know you were just joking around but can you not see that even though you're doing this as a friend and just playing around for the video... 0.89

02:19:34.000 For him, while he's tripping out, that might not be comfortable.

02:19:38.000 That's what I'm saying.

02:19:39.000 You saw the video and you're still thinking I did something wrong in that video.

02:19:42.000 Dude, what is wrong with you?

02:19:44.000 I'm not saying you did something wrong.

02:19:46.000 I'm saying you were playing around and he might not have enjoyed it.

02:19:49.000 Is that okay?

02:19:50.000 Is that okay that you do things and other people don't enjoy them?

02:19:53.000 Can they not enjoy some things you do?

02:19:55.000 You do like to disagree with people.

02:19:56.000 I remember somebody telling me once, you're like, you have a lot of...

02:19:59.000 In the video, I was the one telling everyone to shut up for saying, don't talk about death. 0.99

02:20:04.000 You were still fucking with him. 1.00

02:20:06.000 It didn't discount all the other shit you did. 1.00

02:20:08.000 In the video, Ari tried to stand up, and I was the one that jumped to the ground to try to hold him so he wouldn't hurt himself. 0.98

02:20:14.000 That's absolutely great, and thank you for that.

02:20:16.000 And then you started swinging and flailing and kicking, and instead, while everyone was just watching, I was trying to protect your legs and hands from not punching windows and breaking things all around you.

02:20:27.000 Was that not right?

02:20:28.000 I was in this place where I was coming back from another world, The laws of physics do not apply to me.

02:20:32.000 And I thought I was in grave danger, and here's this trickster who's grabbing me who doesn't understand because he's not been in my world.

02:20:37.000 I know.

02:20:38.000 I'm not saying what you thought.

02:20:40.000 I'm saying is that Joe's saying that I did all this stuff to you, but I'm the one that— I didn't say you did anything wrong.

02:20:45.000 You're not even listening to what I said.

02:20:46.000 I didn't see you do anything wrong.

02:20:47.000 I said what you did, you did out of a place of friendship and playing around and doing it for a video show, and you didn't do anything wrong.

02:20:54.000 But sometimes things that you do that are not wrong still annoy people.

02:20:58.000 And as a general courtesy, you don't do those things because other people don't like you to do them to them.

02:21:03.000 It's that simple.

02:21:04.000 It's not that you did anything wrong. 0.99

02:21:06.000 It's just some people don't like you doing some shit while they're in another fucking dimension. 0.99

02:21:10.000 To me, those jokes, it's like, the obvious joke is like, what's wrong? 0.99

02:21:13.000 It's like, I get it.

02:21:14.000 Best case scenario, you get a smile.

02:21:16.000 Worst case scenario, you've ruined this trip.

02:21:18.000 Which is not the most egregious crime in the world.

02:21:20.000 So now you're saying I've ruined your trip?

02:21:22.000 You'll take the chance to.

02:21:23.000 That trip was ruined because of you.

02:21:24.000 Because of my lack of trust with you.

02:21:26.000 The Salvia trip.

02:21:26.000 Yeah, but not a big deal.

02:21:27.000 But, oh, anyone else that too?

02:21:29.000 Still had a great time.

02:21:30.000 Don't make it...

02:21:31.000 What you saw there was not a bad time.

02:21:32.000 So your bad trip was all my fault.

02:21:34.000 Just the last part.

02:21:35.000 I was trying to get you specifically, Brian Redman, off of me because you were going to play a trick on me and put me into a really dangerous position that you weren't aware of.

02:21:43.000 This is me having almost no grasp on reality.

02:21:46.000 It's the...

02:21:47.000 Well, you look, obviously it's very unfortunate. 0.99

02:21:50.000 But in that state, it was like, I don't want the trickster fucking with me right now. 0.97

02:21:53.000 It's very unfortunate that you had these feelings. 0.97

02:21:55.000 It's very unfortunate that Brian feels attacked here. 0.96

02:21:58.000 But I think that, first of all, the idea of doing this fucking crazy psychedelic drug on a podcast... 0.99

02:22:04.000 With a bunch of comedians, it's ridiculous. 1.00

02:22:07.000 You can't get upset at Brian because here you are on a fucking... 1.00

02:22:10.000 The idea of what you're doing is silly beyond belief. 0.99

02:22:13.000 And guess who didn't do it? 0.92

02:22:14.000 Because I wouldn't do that.

02:22:15.000 I wouldn't put myself in that situation.

02:22:17.000 Okay, but what I'm saying...

02:22:18.000 You keep thinking that I'm attacking you.

02:22:20.000 I don't think you did anything wrong.

02:22:21.000 I watched what you did.

02:22:22.000 I don't think you did anything wrong.

02:22:23.000 But you have to accept the fact that even though you didn't do anything wrong, you shouldn't do it if it freaks somebody out. 0.99

02:22:29.000 If it's fucking with someone's head, and you know they're telling you to get the fuck off them, maybe you should get the fuck off them. 0.99

02:22:35.000 You gotta leave them alone. 1.00

02:22:36.000 I know you weren't doing it. 0.99

02:22:37.000 The idea was ridiculous. 0.98

02:22:38.000 You should have never done it. 0.95

02:22:39.000 But why not, right?

02:22:41.000 But I'm saying it's not the perfect way to do Salvia. 0.96

02:22:43.000 And you're going to get upset at some shit because Salvia is such a mind-blowing, incredible, reality-dissolving experience. 0.99

02:22:49.000 And if people are fucking with you and joking around with you and there's a camera on you and the fucking internet world is watching, it's going to suck anyway, man. 1.00

02:22:56.000 It's going to be fucked up. 1.00

02:22:57.000 I don't mind the internet world watching. 0.99

02:22:58.000 And I don't mind.

02:22:59.000 And I still was.

02:23:00.000 Seriously, what you saw, if you see that video, that was a great trip.

02:23:03.000 I had a really good time.

02:23:04.000 When I was in the other place, I was there for months and years. 1.00

02:23:07.000 We're going to take you and we're going to put you in my fucking cage out in the garage where you can't hurt yourself. 0.99

02:23:12.000 And then we're going to salve you the fuck up and push you in that thing and lock it down and then we're going to videotape you. 1.00

02:23:19.000 So you can flail around and just run into heavy bags. 0.99

02:23:23.000 And I'll be handcuffed underwater in Joe's pool.

02:23:25.000 Yeah, he'll be doing a David Blaine...

02:23:28.000 With one of those Chinese surgical masks on. 0.99

02:23:30.000 It just bugs me, Ari, because I really didn't fuck with you. 1.00

02:23:32.000 And I didn't fuck with you. 1.00

02:23:33.000 You were fucking with everybody. 1.00

02:23:34.000 That last thing, the UFC, I purposely did not fuck on you because I thought you were crazy. 0.99

02:23:38.000 I think you were fucking with people, but I think you were doing it for the right reasons. 0.98

02:23:41.000 You were doing it to be funny, to be a funny show going on. 0.99

02:23:44.000 Making those jokes of you not talking right.

02:23:45.000 Just making those jokes is like...

02:23:48.000 That joke comes from a place of, wouldn't this be funny if I'm messing with you? 0.94

02:23:51.000 And Sihang and Allison, I can't speak for them, but I bet you asked them both of them if I fucked with them or were in their trip in any way, they would say absolutely not. 0.90

02:23:58.000 Okay, if Sihang doesn't remember you shoving that thing in his face, that's fine. 0.91

02:24:01.000 But I saw you shove a fart spray thing in somebody's face while they were out, and I'm like, oh, that might happen to me when I'm out if this guy who likes doing that is around.

02:24:12.000 Yeah.

02:24:13.000 It's all well and good.

02:24:14.000 I can't say it clearer than that.

02:24:15.000 It's like you put me in positions and not trust.

02:24:17.000 Brian, you didn't do anything wrong.

02:24:19.000 You're doing a lot of this stuff for a sense of entertainment for a television show. 0.98

02:24:21.000 Please do not fuck with people's trips out there. 0.74

02:24:23.000 Let them have their trips. 0.99

02:24:24.000 Yes, but if you're going to have a fucking trip on a comedy podcast with a bunch of comedians and they're all laughing and giggling, guess what? 0.98

02:24:29.000 It's going to be wonky. 0.99

02:24:31.000 It's going to go nutty. 0.99

02:24:31.000 And I don't think you can blame the comedians for fucking with you. 0.99

02:24:34.000 And especially when an ongoing gag is our fleshlight wine and cheese prank. 0.99

02:24:38.000 Okay. 0.99

02:24:39.000 That said, Brian, you fucking lock up and you feel like you're attacked. 1.00

02:24:43.000 That doesn't make people's brains say okay. 0.99

02:24:45.000 You lock up and you don't ever consider the possibility that maybe you could have done something to annoy him.

02:24:50.000 I will tell you this.

02:24:51.000 It doesn't have to be logical if you annoy somebody.

02:24:54.000 Sometimes you just annoy somebody you don't mean to.

02:24:55.000 There was a time at Sal's once where somebody, some girl, it might have been somebody, she was like, oh, you've got a lot of layers on it.

02:25:01.000 You're like, I don't have any layers, there's like three layers.

02:25:03.000 And I'm like, Brian, It's not a bad thing if you have layers on.

02:25:06.000 And you're like, oh, yeah, okay.

02:25:07.000 Yeah, a few.

02:25:08.000 But it was like, no one's attacking you.

02:25:10.000 You don't have to, like, deny instantly.

02:25:12.000 Look, I like to wear layers.

02:25:13.000 And this layer right here, feel how thin this is.

02:25:16.000 Feel how this is not considered a layer.

02:25:18.000 I'm getting you checked for ovaries tonight, boy.

02:25:20.000 I'm calling in the witch doctor. 1.00

02:25:21.000 Actually, I had a question for you because I stopped doing sway milk recently because of all the estrogen and stuff like that.

02:25:25.000 Good move.

02:25:26.000 Start feeling like a man again?

02:25:27.000 Almond milk have the same problems.

02:25:29.000 No, I drink that every day.

02:25:30.000 Goat milk.

02:25:30.000 That's how I make that.

02:25:31.000 Goat milk's real good.

02:25:32.000 It's easy to adjust.

02:25:33.000 It's very easy to adjust.

02:25:34.000 It's really good for babies.

02:25:35.000 Babies love it.

02:25:36.000 The almond milk is delicious.

02:25:37.000 I use that for my shakes every day. 0.99

02:25:40.000 But don't get the shit that's flavored because it's just sugar milk. 0.99

02:25:43.000 You get like a vanilla. 1.00

02:25:45.000 There's nothing healthy about that.

02:25:46.000 You can make your own almond milk. 1.00

02:25:48.000 I know some dudes who make their own shit. 1.00

02:25:49.000 It's supposed to be much more delicious, but it's a huge fucking pain in the ass. 1.00

02:25:53.000 Is soy milk good for you? 1.00

02:25:55.000 Yes.

02:25:55.000 It's not bad for you, but you can get...

02:25:57.000 Soy is a tricky thing, man.

02:25:59.000 And especially if you follow genetically modified food.

02:26:03.000 And soy, a lot of times, is genetically modified.

02:26:04.000 Brian, I wasn't trying to attack you.

02:26:06.000 The only reason it even came up...

02:26:07.000 The subject just changed. 0.71

02:26:08.000 That one thing, that one time when you said I was trying to moot voices, I knew I wasn't fucking with you because I knew you weren't tripping it. 0.96

02:26:15.000 That was me just going, hey, you're about to do acid. 0.94

02:26:17.000 Are you excited?

02:26:19.000 That's all good, Brian.

02:26:20.000 It doesn't help anybody when they're tripping.

02:26:21.000 It's all good, Brian.

02:26:22.000 But I didn't mean to attack you at all. 0.96

02:26:23.000 The correct answer sometimes is, sorry, I was fucking around. 0.91

02:26:26.000 I thought it was funny at the time. 0.94

02:26:28.000 Instead of defending to the death what you've said.

02:26:31.000 My only thought was, if I want to do, you're a great guy.

02:26:34.000 But under these circumstances, it's not perfect.

02:26:37.000 I just love that Sam and everyone else was like, oh, he looks dead.

02:26:41.000 And they're saying all these horrible things.

02:26:42.000 And I was the one guy that told him to stop.

02:26:44.000 Does it really matter what other people did?

02:26:46.000 Does it really matter if there's something that you did that annoys him?

02:26:50.000 If there's something that you did that annoys him, you have to take responsibility for that.

02:26:54.000 I'm not saying you did anything wrong, man.

02:26:56.000 We've discussed this to death.

02:26:58.000 RSS feeds.

02:27:01.000 Brian Reichel!

02:27:02.000 Perhaps will be joining us in Vegas. 1.00

02:27:04.000 I'm going to throw him on stage, this motherfucker. 1.00

02:27:06.000 He needs to go up there. 1.00

02:27:07.000 At that huge place?

02:27:08.000 Yeah.

02:27:09.000 Ari Shavir's going to be there July 1st. 0.95

02:27:11.000 July 1st.

02:27:11.000 I believe Benson's going to stop in and do a guest set, too.

02:27:14.000 Oh, nice.

02:27:15.000 So July 1st, that's in Vegas.

02:27:17.000 June 25th, I'm with Coco Canary, Joey Diaz, the Captain Razor... 1.00

02:27:24.000 What does he put on his dick? 1.00

02:27:26.000 Drano on the dick? 1.00

02:27:27.000 Drano. 1.00

02:27:27.000 Ajax. 1.00

02:27:28.000 Ajax on his cock. 1.00

02:27:29.000 Drano. 1.00

02:27:29.000 Drano dick. 1.00

02:27:29.000 Anyway, Carnegie Music Hall, Saturday, June 25th. 1.00

02:27:34.000 And that's in Pittsburgh.

02:27:36.000 Oh.

02:27:36.000 No, it's not the New York one.

02:27:37.000 It's Big Dale.

02:27:38.000 That's such a humongous difference.

02:27:41.000 I was like, I didn't hear about it.

02:27:42.000 You're playing Carnegie Hall?

02:27:44.000 I know.

02:27:44.000 How many people fit in Carnegie Music Hall in New York?

02:27:46.000 I don't know.

02:27:47.000 I can't fill that thing. 0.98

02:27:48.000 But I think, didn't fucking Charlie Sheen fill that thing? 0.98

02:27:53.000 I need a scandal. 0.99

02:27:55.000 I don't want it.

02:27:55.000 Anyway, Carnegie Music Hall in Philadelphia, which is the day before the UFC. And then there's another one, like I said, July 1st.

02:28:01.000 It'll be me and Ari and Joey Diaz and most likely Doug Benson.

02:28:05.000 That place was great.

02:28:06.000 That place is the best place we've played in Vegas.

02:28:07.000 Yeah, we got it down.

02:28:08.000 Over all the years, that was the best place.

02:28:09.000 We did a lot of gigs at House of Blues. 0.96

02:28:11.000 And House of Blues, the people that work there are really cool as fuck, but the venue is too wonky. 0.81

02:28:15.000 And Quartz Palmsroom was fine. 0.97

02:28:17.000 It's okay.

02:28:18.000 But that place was the best. 0.99

02:28:20.000 That Mandalay Bay Theater is fucking perfect. 0.96

02:28:22.000 It's like 1,800 or so people. 1.00

02:28:24.000 And it's fucking packed in there. 0.97

02:28:27.000 And we did it a few months ago and we're going to do it again. 0.98

02:28:29.000 Perfectly a way to sit a theater show for a comedy.

02:28:31.000 So listen, I think we went through a little bit of a hissy fit today.

02:28:35.000 Had a little bit of a cat fight.

02:28:38.000 Well, you guys can all watch it, too.

02:28:39.000 It's Naughty Show number 23 on Death Squad.

02:28:41.000 We're not.

02:28:42.000 Naughty Show number 23. Yeah, thanks for helping us out here, Joe.

02:28:45.000 Death Squad.

02:28:45.000 Subscribe to Death Squad.

02:28:46.000 Yeah, so Ari's podcast is The Skeptic Tank.

02:28:49.000 It's on the Death Squad.

02:28:50.000 Yeah, and there's a bunch of other ones that are really good there.

02:28:52.000 The Naughty Show and Tom and his wife have your mom's house. 0.94

02:28:56.000 Yeah.

02:28:56.000 So check that out.

02:28:57.000 It's Death Squad on iTunes.

02:28:59.000 And we'll be back again tomorrow. 0.98

02:29:01.000 Same bat time, same bat channel with Duncan motherfucking Trussell. 0.98

02:29:05.000 It's a full Death Squad week. 0.98

02:29:06.000 I'll be in San Diego this weekend.

02:29:07.000 Are you guys going to kiss and make up?

02:29:09.000 I'm out of Brian Long.

02:29:10.000 That's why I never even brought it up to him.

02:29:12.000 Are you in La Jolla?

02:29:13.000 I'm in La Jolla this week.

02:29:15.000 Comedy store in La Jolla, Friday and Saturday night.

02:29:17.000 Who are you with?

02:29:18.000 Me and Steve Simone are going down there, and Jason Lucas.

02:29:20.000 Nice, nice.

02:29:22.000 Excellent combination. 1.00

02:29:23.000 And that comedy store, if you've never been there, a comedy store in La Jolla is the shit. 1.00

02:29:26.000 But jump on it, bitches, because it's going to sell out quick. 1.00

02:29:29.000 That place is packed all the time. 0.99

02:29:31.000 All right, that's it.

02:29:32.000 We'll see you guys tomorrow with Duncan.

02:29:34.000 Oh, Fleshlight.

02:29:36.000 And thanks to the Fleshlight, if you go to JoeRogan.net and click on the link for the Fleshlight in the corner and enter in the code name ROGAN, You will get 15% off the number one sex toy for men. 0.94

02:29:48.000 Shoot your loads at a discount. 0.74

02:29:50.000 Do you want one of those?

02:29:50.000 No.

02:29:51.000 Are you sure?

02:29:51.000 You're scared.

02:29:53.000 Yeah, and you'll use it every day until you bleed to death.

02:29:55.000 It's the cleaning.

02:29:56.000 I don't think that's a good idea to have around my place.

02:29:58.000 It's easy.

02:30:00.000 Okay.

02:30:00.000 Good night.

02:30:01.000 Bye.

02:30:01.000 I love you guys.

The Joe Rogan Experience - May 31, 2011

Joe Rogan Experience #109 - Ari Shaffir

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Summary

Transcript