The Joe Rogan Experience - Joe Rogan Experience #11 - Ari Shaffir

00:00:00.000 Record.

00:00:01.000 Start.

00:00:02.000 Broadcast.

00:00:05.000 Live.

00:00:05.000 Are we on the air?

00:00:06.000 Yes.

00:00:07.000 Ladies and gentlemen.

00:00:08.000 I'm trying to figure out how we're on the air. 0.99

00:00:11.000 There we go, bitches. 1.00

00:00:15.000 What is this? 1.00

00:00:16.000 Week 10 or some shit? 0.99

00:00:17.000 How many weeks have we been doing this? 0.99

00:00:18.000 It's 11. Mute your laptop.

00:00:21.000 It's so funny because after going through all the old podcasts, every beginning of every single podcast, I'm like, mute your laptop.

00:00:28.000 You think I would know that from tuning in to Art Bell.

00:00:32.000 You know, the Art Bell show.

00:00:33.000 Please turn off your radio.

00:00:34.000 Right.

00:00:35.000 Yeah, that's right.

00:00:36.000 On ONA, too.

00:00:37.000 People always call out.

00:00:38.000 They get that feedback.

00:00:39.000 Well, they're listening to themselves, so it's like a nonsense conversation.

00:00:45.000 They want to hear themselves on the radio.

00:00:47.000 They're like, just be in the moment.

00:00:49.000 Record it with my cell phone.

00:00:50.000 Turn up that radio.

00:00:52.000 Fortunately, this is very different.

00:00:57.000 But yeah, I guess we want to hear ourselves broadcast.

00:01:00.000 So we got a show this weekend at the Tempe Improv.

00:01:02.000 Almost sold out, so if you're watching...

00:01:04.000 Yeah, Saturday night's sold out already.

00:01:05.000 There's only a few tickets left for the Late Show.

00:01:08.000 Friday night is on its way.

00:01:10.000 And once we get in, it'll be press on Thursday.

00:01:13.000 So if you want to come in and you want to see the show...

00:01:15.000 Hurry up!

00:01:17.000 Tempe's always fun.

00:01:18.000 Because Ari Shaffir's in Dead Punch. 1.00

00:01:20.000 And they let us drink now, too.

00:01:23.000 Dead Punch is a pool term.

00:01:24.000 Yeah, I remember.

00:01:24.000 It took me a second.

00:01:25.000 Dead Stroke.

00:01:27.000 That's a hanger.

00:01:28.000 Pool terminology.

00:01:29.000 Why is that on?

00:01:30.000 Do you guys keep doing this to each other?

00:01:32.000 No, it just started by itself.

00:01:34.000 On both ears?

00:01:35.000 Oh, you know what it is?

00:01:37.000 I got it on both things.

00:01:38.000 I got it on this Ustream window, too.

00:01:41.000 Brian is redoing my website, and in doing so, his fucking master genius self, he's put the Ustream actually on joeroga.net, so if you go to the webpage, there's a little corner link that says live webcam, so you can see it right from there.

00:01:57.000 It's going to get better.

00:01:58.000 It's going to get better.

00:01:59.000 And it's on iTunes now, too.

00:02:01.000 You can find the official Joe Rogan podcast.

00:02:03.000 Or is it just the Joe Rogan podcast?

00:02:05.000 It's called The Joe Rogan Podcast.

00:02:07.000 And it's on iTunes. 1.00

00:02:08.000 So you can get that shit. 0.95

00:02:09.000 Or if you have Zoom, you can go to your website and download the MP3s. 1.00

00:02:13.000 Yeah, if you're one of those Zoom dudes who just hates Apple so much, you had to get one of the goofiest fucking devices ever. 0.95

00:02:19.000 Unless it does anything better, there's no need for another one. 0.98

00:02:22.000 What's Zoom?

00:02:23.000 It's the Microsoft version of the iPod.

00:02:25.000 Oh.

00:02:26.000 And the people that prefer it, you can tell they're like super Windows heads.

00:02:30.000 Really?

00:02:30.000 People that just love Windows.

00:02:32.000 Because that's mad denial.

00:02:33.000 Especially the old Zoom.

00:02:34.000 Do you remember ever using that where it's like a fake spin wheel?

00:02:38.000 Like it pushed it down.

00:02:39.000 It was awful.

00:02:39.000 Yeah, it clicked up and down.

00:02:41.000 It was retarded. 1.00

00:02:41.000 I guess the new one's not bad. 1.00

00:02:43.000 I guess they probably couldn't use the technology, right?

00:02:45.000 Didn't you say that Apple is suing people?

00:02:50.000 Yeah, Android devices and Sprint devices, they're all fucked right now because they own, or Apple owns like 20 of the patents that all these new cell phones are using.

00:02:59.000 That's why you have a phone like the Android or the Droid, like, wow, it has pinched to zoom just like the iPhone.

00:03:05.000 Well, yeah, they all, Apple owns all these patents, so...

00:03:08.000 Android might be hurting. 0.99

00:03:09.000 Android, even Palm might be hurting because their new phones are all really just pretty much stealing all of Apple's shit. 0.99

00:03:16.000 Wow. 0.99

00:03:17.000 That would be nuts.

00:03:18.000 The only one that's not in trouble right now, I guess, is the new Windows 7 phone.

00:03:22.000 Why?

00:03:23.000 They don't use the patents?

00:03:25.000 They were really smart not to use any patents.

00:03:28.000 They have their own shitload of patents.

00:03:29.000 No, the problem is pinch to zoom.

00:03:31.000 There's no better way to do it.

00:03:32.000 There really isn't.

00:03:33.000 No. 0.99

00:03:34.000 - Oh shit, it's awesome. - I'm sure there could be like a way that you can make like circle to zoom, you know? 0.98

00:03:38.000 And it's square to head. - It ain't gonna be the same.

00:03:40.000 Circle, come on man, you wanna be able to pinch it.

00:03:43.000 - Yeah, but what if you wanted to zoom on apart?

00:03:45.000 You could just put a little circle around it.

00:03:48.000 Not good, no.

00:03:48.000 Zoom now.

00:03:49.000 No.

00:03:50.000 No?

00:03:50.000 No, I want to do this.

00:03:51.000 Yeah, but if I told you that five years ago, I was like, no, you can go like this.

00:03:54.000 Yeah, but once I know that I can do that, it's like when you have water in your ear, and the water gets out of your ear, and you're like, oh, now I can hear.

00:04:00.000 Like, you accepted the way your ear was working when the water was in there.

00:04:03.000 You're just like, I'm okay with it.

00:04:05.000 Yeah, I can deal with this.

00:04:06.000 But the people that still aren't on the internet, they're like, nah, I'll just make do it.

00:04:09.000 Mail's fine. 0.69

00:04:09.000 There's a fucking awesome documentary on VBS TV about this dude who lives in the Arctic. 0.69

00:04:15.000 He's one of the last people that's allowed to live in the Arctic and he lives like way the fuck up in the northeast part of Alaska. 0.97

00:04:22.000 Like there's no one within like hundreds of miles of him.

00:04:25.000 He doesn't have a car. 0.99

00:04:27.000 He gets electricity from a generator and he fucking shoots all his own meat, kills all his own rabbits, kills all his own caribou, has to protect his cabin, little tiny ass cabin like the size of like a bedroom. 0.99

00:04:40.000 He has to protect his cabin from wolves. 1.00

00:04:43.000 Really?

00:04:43.000 It's from bears rather.

00:04:45.000 Bears come to the cabin because he hangs his meat outside. 0.59

00:04:48.000 Because it's never cold.

00:04:49.000 They don't have a refrigerator.

00:04:50.000 They don't have anything. 1.00

00:04:51.000 So he hangs his fucking meat outside. 1.00

00:04:53.000 And bears occasionally will come into the camp and smell it. 1.00

00:04:56.000 So he's got this dog that he leaves out that's supposed to protect the cabin.

00:04:59.000 Protect him?

00:04:59.000 And bark.

00:05:00.000 So then he comes out and has to chase the bear down with a fucking shotgun. 0.99

00:05:03.000 And he's doing this in the nighttime. 0.99

00:05:05.000 It's night.

00:05:06.000 And he can't see. 1.00

00:05:07.000 He's chasing down this fucking bear and shooting at it. 1.00

00:05:09.000 It is nuts. 1.00

00:05:11.000 This guy is living in the extreme...

00:05:15.000 That's sort of civilized.

00:05:19.000 He can get to civilization, I guess.

00:05:22.000 But he's not in it.

00:05:23.000 He's got a television.

00:05:24.000 He's got a generator.

00:05:26.000 He can get electricity.

00:05:26.000 Watch his DVDs that he gets shipped to him.

00:05:29.000 He still has not seen even an image of the 9-11 towers falling.

00:05:33.000 Really?

00:05:34.000 No.

00:05:34.000 He heard about it on the radio.

00:05:36.000 Thought it was crazy. 1.00

00:05:37.000 But he lives up there just him and his fucking wife, man. 1.00

00:05:40.000 It's nuts. 1.00

00:05:40.000 How hot is his wife? 1.00

00:05:42.000 She's not.

00:05:43.000 Russell Peters is watching us right now. 1.00

00:05:44.000 Russell Peters up in this bitch. 1.00

00:05:46.000 Russell Peters is the man. 0.99

00:05:48.000 He's one of the nicest guys ever.

00:05:49.000 How nice is Russell Peters?

00:05:50.000 But he's Indian.

00:05:51.000 And you have to deal with that.

00:05:53.000 You can't just let it go.

00:05:54.000 It's there.

00:05:55.000 We're all thinking about it.

00:05:56.000 Oh, no.

00:05:57.000 What?

00:05:58.000 So rude.

00:05:59.000 He's faking that, ladies and gentlemen.

00:06:01.000 Did you see the other day Russell was hanging out with somebody cool?

00:06:03.000 Like, I forget the old hip-hop rap guy from the 80s.

00:06:06.000 It's like, It Takes Two?

00:06:08.000 Biz Marquee?

00:06:09.000 No.

00:06:09.000 Something like that.

00:06:10.000 He was just, like, tweeting out he was hanging out with him the other day.

00:06:12.000 Who was that?

00:06:13.000 It Takes Two to make a thing go right.

00:06:15.000 DJ Quit?

00:06:16.000 No.

00:06:17.000 DJ Easy Rock.

00:06:18.000 I forget, but I was like, man, that's so awesome.

00:06:21.000 Someone in the Twitterverse knows.

00:06:22.000 What is the answer to that question, ladies and gentlemen? 1.00

00:06:25.000 You know, bitches. 1.00

00:06:26.000 Rob Bass! 1.00

00:06:27.000 That's right!

00:06:28.000 Rob Bass!

00:06:28.000 He even says it in a song.

00:06:30.000 Maybe it wasn't Rob Bass.

00:06:33.000 Now I'm screwed, because I don't even know if that doesn't sound right. 1.00

00:06:35.000 You fucking savage. 0.99

00:06:36.000 It doesn't sound like the right guy. 1.00

00:06:39.000 No?

00:06:40.000 Well, it doesn't matter.

00:06:41.000 Who cares?

00:06:41.000 We're just talking about how Rob Bass is.

00:06:42.000 Do you remember Third Bass?

00:06:43.000 That old record Third Bass?

00:06:45.000 Yeah, the white guy.

00:06:46.000 Yeah, what happened to those guys?

00:06:46.000 I don't know.

00:06:47.000 I love them.

00:06:48.000 I had two albums.

00:06:49.000 They have two albums?

00:06:51.000 Yeah.

00:06:51.000 Well, no, that was the DJ. What the fuck is his name?

00:06:55.000 The white dude. 1.00

00:06:56.000 He was good!

00:06:57.000 Prime Minister Pete Nice.

00:06:58.000 That was one.

00:06:59.000 Right, Pete Nice.

00:07:00.000 And who was the other one?

00:07:01.000 And, um...

00:07:05.000 Gurge.

00:07:05.000 I don't know.

00:07:06.000 Fuck! 1.00

00:07:06.000 What was his name, folks? 1.00

00:07:08.000 DJ Guger.

00:07:09.000 No, I... Prime Minister Pete Nice and... 1.00

00:07:12.000 Fuck. 1.00

00:07:14.000 Come on, folks. 1.00

00:07:15.000 Rob Bass.

00:07:16.000 Rob Bass, I think it was.

00:07:17.000 No, no, no, no.

00:07:18.000 Rob Bass is the other dude.

00:07:22.000 Now I'm just confused.

00:07:24.000 Isn't he the one that had the MTV show?

00:07:26.000 Which one had the MTV show?

00:07:27.000 That's a good question.

00:07:28.000 Was that Pete Nice or was that this dude?

00:07:32.000 The next white rapper.

00:07:33.000 No, the next white rapper.

00:07:34.000 This guy just wrote DJ Boom Boom. 1.00

00:07:36.000 You're just making shit up, bro. 0.99

00:07:37.000 DJ Boom Boom. 0.99

00:07:38.000 It's not DJ Boom Boom.

00:07:39.000 I'll know the answer when I hear it.

00:07:40.000 It's DJ Sniffles, man.

00:07:42.000 It's DJ Sniffles.

00:07:43.000 It's DJ Sniffle.

00:07:44.000 Who on the third base is the band?

00:07:47.000 Yeah.

00:07:48.000 And there was the white guy with glasses.

00:07:49.000 They're both white!

00:07:51.000 But the big guy.

00:07:51.000 Right.

00:07:52.000 Prime Minister Pete, nice, and so-and-so.

00:07:54.000 What was it?

00:07:55.000 Anyway, the other guy. 1.00

00:07:56.000 Who the fuck is it? 1.00

00:07:57.000 It's not DJ Easy Rock, you fuck. 1.00

00:07:58.000 No. 1.00

00:07:58.000 DJ Richie Rich. 1.00

00:07:59.000 No.

00:08:00.000 MC Search.

00:08:00.000 MC Search!

00:08:02.000 Thank you.

00:08:02.000 Ozzy Rock.

00:08:03.000 You're the fucking man. 1.00

00:08:03.000 Russell just told us. 1.00

00:08:05.000 Isn't that amazing how your brain just blows up immediately?

00:08:10.000 Why is it so hard to remember the things? 0.99

00:08:14.000 I don't know Dumb information.

00:08:18.000 It's weird when a memory gets awakened.

00:08:20.000 When you didn't think the memory was in your head at all.

00:08:23.000 And then someone brings it up and all of a sudden it re-blooms.

00:08:27.000 Comes back to life. 1.00

00:08:28.000 Someone talks about some shit. 1.00

00:08:29.000 Some shit that happened when you were a kid. 1.00

00:08:31.000 And you're like, oh yeah! 1.00

00:08:33.000 What the fuck? 1.00

00:08:34.000 I forgot about that. 1.00

00:08:35.000 And all of a sudden, boom!

00:08:36.000 What's weird is when that happens, that opens up a lot of these little memories that just because you remember that one thing, then you'll start remembering.

00:08:42.000 Oh, and I remember listening to that guy at the grocery store.

00:08:45.000 Bishop Desmond Tutu gets the gas face.

00:08:47.000 I don't know how much.

00:08:48.000 I don't know how much.

00:08:51.000 That was in there.

00:08:53.000 MC Search was good, man.

00:08:54.000 I liked that guy's flow, but it seemed like people would pick on him because he was white.

00:08:59.000 And then he became a producer instead of a rapper, which I think was a huge mistake.

00:09:03.000 Because I think as a rapper, he was really badass. 0.98

00:09:05.000 He was fucking good. 0.86

00:09:06.000 I used to love his stuff, but I felt like he was almost sort of doing it, but sort of apologizing at the same time. 0.91

00:09:13.000 He stopped doing it.

00:09:15.000 That guy should have never stopped rapping. 0.99

00:09:17.000 That guy was fucking good. 0.98

00:09:18.000 The idea that he went on to produce some records, I'm sure he produced some good stuff. 0.98

00:09:22.000 Well, a lot of people do that, though, too.

00:09:23.000 They move out and they go into a different type of...

00:09:25.000 Yeah, they stop liking to perform.

00:09:26.000 I can appreciate that. 0.98

00:09:27.000 But I think, with him, that guy was really fucking good. 1.00

00:09:29.000 I really used to enjoy his shit. 0.99

00:09:31.000 I'm gonna illegally down both those albums tonight. 0.98

00:09:33.000 I'm gonna download them for...

00:09:34.000 I'm gonna pay.

00:09:35.000 I'm gonna go to iTunes. 0.99

00:09:36.000 I don't give a fuck. 0.99

00:09:37.000 And your Gorillaz album came out today. 0.99

00:09:38.000 Yeah, did you say you didn't like it?

00:09:41.000 I don't like the single.

00:09:42.000 That first single's not that great.

00:09:44.000 Yeah.

00:09:46.000 All I know is that one song that I did.

00:09:49.000 You've heard a couple?

00:09:51.000 I know, but I mean, if I had to identify one.

00:09:56.000 Anyway.

00:09:57.000 MC Search, please come back.

00:09:59.000 Yeah.

00:09:59.000 That's what we're trying to say.

00:10:00.000 MC Search.

00:10:01.000 Come on, man.

00:10:01.000 It ain't too late.

00:10:02.000 Just fucking dust off that hat and fucking, let's do this, son. 1.00

00:10:06.000 Just step up and spit. 1.00

00:10:08.000 Look at that song.

00:10:09.000 I like rap music, man.

00:10:11.000 I mean, I joke about it in my act, but I really do, man.

00:10:13.000 It's fun. 0.99

00:10:14.000 I love that, you know, that they're talking shit. 1.00

00:10:17.000 I like listening to people talk shit. 1.00

00:10:18.000 I love that Nas song. 1.00

00:10:20.000 That's my landing.

00:10:23.000 No, that's a great one, too.

00:10:24.000 I like that one.

00:10:24.000 Nas is a great writer, but hip-hop is dead.

00:10:27.000 That's my landing music.

00:10:29.000 I rotate between three songs.

00:10:31.000 Hip Hop is Dead, Tori Amos, Crucify, and Voodoo Child. 0.99

00:10:37.000 Question.

00:10:38.000 What do you mean by landing music? 0.94

00:10:39.000 When I land, as soon as I fucking land, when I touch down, coming to a new city. 0.88

00:10:43.000 Okay, follow up question. 0.98

00:10:45.000 Why did the stewardesses let you have your earphones on during landing? 0.99

00:10:48.000 First class, they let you fuck around. 1.00

00:10:49.000 Yeah, but I knew it. 1.00

00:10:50.000 That's totally true.

00:10:51.000 I always leave them on.

00:10:52.000 They never bother me when I'm first class.

00:10:53.000 But on the back, like, take it off.

00:10:54.000 Yeah, they're Nazis in the back. 0.99

00:10:56.000 You can't totally get away with it, but you can kind of play dumb. 0.99

00:10:59.000 Like, what? 0.99

00:11:00.000 Oh, okay.

00:11:00.000 Take it off.

00:11:01.000 I mean, I never don't take it off.

00:11:03.000 When they tell me to take it off, I take it off.

00:11:05.000 You have to tell me.

00:11:06.000 I'm not going to take it off on my own.

00:11:07.000 And if you're sleeping, they'll never wake you up.

00:11:09.000 I will fake sleep.

00:11:12.000 I'll make sure that my seat is up. 1.00

00:11:14.000 You can't fuck with me for that. 1.00

00:11:17.000 But, you know, I'm going to do this shit right here. 1.00

00:11:20.000 And she'll just let me go. 0.99

00:11:21.000 Please.

00:11:21.000 I'm nice.

00:11:22.000 So no one's gonna crash because my fucking head... 1.00

00:11:24.000 Why do they make it turn off? 1.00

00:11:25.000 Because of radio waves?

00:11:26.000 No, it's not a radio wave. 0.99

00:11:29.000 It's just to be dicks. 0.97

00:11:30.000 I mean, they want you to turn off everything. 0.99

00:11:33.000 They want you to turn off Game Boys.

00:11:34.000 They say turn off your laptop too, but it's like, it's on.

00:11:37.000 It's closed, it's on.

00:11:38.000 It's nonsense.

00:11:39.000 The idea is some sort of electrical interference, but I think really the good idea to it is that it forces people to comply.

00:11:46.000 And that's the same thing with putting the seat up. 0.98

00:11:48.000 Everybody thinks it's ridiculous, and I used to think it was ridiculous to force people to put their seat up, but now I think it's important, because you've got to get them to fucking listen to you. 0.93

00:11:59.000 They don't want you to lean back or something? 1.00

00:12:01.000 Please, you're fucked. 1.00

00:12:02.000 If you're going to get hurt, you're going to get hurt. 1.00

00:12:05.000 Anything that's going to hurt you is not going to hurt you any less because you're like this than you are like this. 0.98

00:12:09.000 You're going to get jacked. 0.95

00:12:11.000 I guess, maybe?

00:12:12.000 No.

00:12:12.000 I can't see how, even in the most furious turbulence, it would make a difference.

00:12:17.000 I think you're fucked either way. 1.00

00:12:19.000 If you're fucked, you're fucked. 1.00

00:12:20.000 You're in a goddamn metal tube flying through the air. 1.00

00:12:22.000 You know? 1.00

00:12:23.000 I think the good thing about it is that they get you to comply.

00:12:26.000 And I think, you know, I don't want anybody to tell me what to do.

00:12:29.000 And you don't want anybody to tell you what to do.

00:12:31.000 Yeah.

00:12:31.000 But let's be honest.

00:12:32.000 We're not going to do anything fucking crazy. 0.92

00:12:34.000 You know? 0.94

00:12:35.000 There's a lot of people out there that need to be told what to do.

00:12:37.000 I get out of my seat.

00:12:38.000 If somebody didn't tell me to do it during the landing, I'd be like, I'm just going to go to the bathroom. 0.99

00:12:41.000 I'm going to fucking fly all over the place. 0.98

00:12:42.000 Yeah. 0.98

00:12:43.000 Yeah, I think people, there's a certain amount of people, you know, there's just too many of us.

00:12:49.000 We need very clearly established rules, even if they're ridiculous.

00:12:52.000 Even if it's just like, it sounds like I'm a conservative, but I'm not just an expert in retards. 1.00

00:12:59.000 You know, I just know there's just so many fucking dummies out there. 0.98

00:13:02.000 It's very important to have a certain amount of order to the world. 0.99

00:13:05.000 Because even though you don't want that order, you've worked really hard to put yourself into a position where you don't have to have that order.

00:13:14.000 Look at the life you chose. 0.99

00:13:15.000 You went from a very obvious, regular, normal person's life to being this crazy fucking comedian where you make your living... 1.00

00:13:25.000 Talking shit on stage, and you sleep till noon, and that right there, most people would never be able to figure out a way. 0.99

00:13:34.000 That's just too tricky. 1.00

00:13:35.000 That's too fucked up. 1.00

00:13:37.000 Most dumb people would never be able to figure out a way to slip through some weird path to make a career doing something very strange. 1.00

00:13:44.000 By the way, if you're watching your work right now, we're not talking about you. 0.99

00:13:47.000 No.

00:13:48.000 We're just joking.

00:13:50.000 Well, you know, nobody really wants to work unless you love what you're doing, and then it's not working anymore.

00:13:55.000 And that's really the secret to life.

00:13:56.000 And then everybody loves something else, man. 0.99

00:13:59.000 I mean, there's a reason why there's lawyers, there's a reason why there's a lot of dudes who love being fucking dentists, man. 0.97

00:14:03.000 There's a lot of dudes who love being carpenters. 0.99

00:14:05.000 Everybody's got their own thing, whatever the fuck it is. 0.92

00:14:08.000 As long as you find it, then it's not really work. 0.98

00:14:12.000 You know? 0.96

00:14:12.000 And until then, it's gonna suck. 0.96

00:14:14.000 I still get surprised sometimes on the road.

00:14:16.000 I'm like, here's your check.

00:14:17.000 And you're like, oh yeah, yeah.

00:14:18.000 Oh yeah, okay.

00:14:19.000 Yeah, I know.

00:14:20.000 It's like, because we do it so often for free.

00:14:22.000 You know, especially in LA. How often do you do sets for free?

00:14:25.000 Always.

00:14:26.000 Always.

00:14:26.000 That's when I start.

00:14:26.000 Whenever people ask me, like, hey, do you want to feature for the third show or something or whatever, I'm always like, I've said no before, and then it's like, yeah, can I do a guest spot?

00:14:34.000 You know, once I get there.

00:14:35.000 So it's like, you just put me on the lineup.

00:14:36.000 Yeah, once you're there and you hear the laughter, you just want to go up.

00:14:40.000 Yeah.

00:14:40.000 It was when we were in Australia.

00:14:44.000 The flight fucks you up, man, because it's like a 16-hour flight.

00:14:48.000 Yeah, the time zone sounds like crazy. 0.66

00:14:49.000 Yeah, and it's like 19 hours ahead, so it's like literally you're the next day.

00:14:53.000 You don't know.

00:14:54.000 So I was like really delusional.

00:14:56.000 I didn't know.

00:14:57.000 But as soon as I got to the club and I saw the people, it just sparks it up.

00:15:02.000 It's crazy. 0.99

00:15:03.000 It's like, man, we're going to do a fucking show. 0.99

00:15:04.000 We're going to have some fun. 0.99

00:15:05.000 It's like you just fire up.

00:15:09.000 Man, I wish people in their regular jobs could feel what we feel when you're killing, you know?

00:15:15.000 I can't usually sleep for a couple hours afterwards, too.

00:15:17.000 Man, you're wired.

00:15:19.000 You're wired afterwards.

00:15:21.000 Especially when you've got a new bit.

00:15:23.000 If you have a new bit and the new bit is killing, then it just takes everything up to the next level.

00:15:29.000 It's crazy. 0.96

00:15:30.000 Comedy is so much fucking fun. 0.98

00:15:32.000 Have you seen Alice in Wonderland yet? 0.99

00:15:33.000 No.

00:15:34.000 I've heard very mixed reviews.

00:15:35.000 I am going to watch it at Universal CityWalk on Mushrooms when we get back from Tempe, Arizona.

00:15:41.000 That sounds like the worst idea ever.

00:15:43.000 It's going to be so good there in 3D IMAX. This is blatantly disregarding the law.

00:15:49.000 Have you not had a bad trip before?

00:15:50.000 No.

00:15:51.000 That's why.

00:15:53.000 That's going to be your first bad trip.

00:15:55.000 Here's what I think about bad trips.

00:15:57.000 I think for sure you could definitely take too much of anything and have a bad trip no matter what your state of mind is.

00:16:03.000 I've had bad trips on pot.

00:16:05.000 I've never had bad trips on anything else but pot.

00:16:07.000 But I've had bad trips eating pot.

00:16:09.000 I think it's a state of mind.

00:16:10.000 I think it's how you approach it.

00:16:12.000 I think it's where you're at when you take it.

00:16:14.000 If you're in a good place, if you're a happy person...

00:16:16.000 To a point. 0.98

00:16:17.000 I mean, last time I did shrooms, I started shitting and having diarrhea, and no, that changes everything because you think you're dying.

00:16:24.000 Food poisoning mushrooms. 0.87

00:16:25.000 You need somebody to get into an accident across the street from you, and you're like, No!

00:16:29.000 It's all going bad.

00:16:30.000 Are you doing that psychedelic show next time?

00:16:31.000 Sure, if I can.

00:16:32.000 When is it?

00:16:33.000 April 18th.

00:16:33.000 Yeah, it's a good show.

00:16:34.000 April 18th, if you haven't seen it or heard about it, Ari Shafir is doing, if you live in L.A., he's doing this psychedelic show, and he did it, when was the last date?

00:16:44.000 Last date was in February...

00:16:47.000 You've got some clips on your website, right?

00:16:48.000 Yeah, don't look at it yet.

00:16:49.000 I've got to make them better.

00:16:51.000 So the idea of the show is most comedians that we know, at least the most funny ones, have had a few psychedelic experiences.

00:16:59.000 And a lot of them have had really funny stories to go with them.

00:17:03.000 And so they're all talking about it in front of a crowd.

00:17:07.000 It should be kind of cool.

00:17:08.000 Yeah, they're just fun stories.

00:17:09.000 My only problem is anything interesting I've ever learned, I've already told.

00:17:12.000 I don't know. 0.98

00:17:14.000 Like a hundred fucking times. 0.99

00:17:15.000 Right. 0.99

00:17:16.000 You know?

00:17:17.000 I mean, I always get asked.

00:17:18.000 That's why we have to do a new drug experience for you.

00:17:20.000 Uh-oh.

00:17:21.000 Peyote in Tempe this weekend.

00:17:23.000 That's the place to do it, right? 1.00

00:17:25.000 We'll find some coyote spirits in us and shit. 1.00

00:17:27.000 Peyote. 0.99

00:17:28.000 Yeah, some guy Dylan Burry told a peyote story.

00:17:31.000 Peyote is supposed to be incredible.

00:17:32.000 Synthetic peyote.

00:17:34.000 My friend Matt was in New York and he took it and he said he could hear people talking in a building, like across the street, way over there.

00:17:41.000 He said there's a glass window and he goes, I can hear them talking.

00:17:45.000 Meanwhile, it's probably just like a cell phone going off.

00:17:48.000 I mean, I think there's ways we can perceive things other than the standard way.

00:17:55.000 When I'm drunk, I can hear things further away.

00:17:58.000 Like in a bar where I can normally hear nothing, I can center on one person talking.

00:18:02.000 Really?

00:18:02.000 Yeah, I don't know why.

00:18:03.000 When you're drunk?

00:18:04.000 Yeah, but people around me, it's all like, but then I just see them and I hear what they're saying.

00:18:07.000 So you think it's like your liver?

00:18:09.000 I don't know.

00:18:10.000 What?

00:18:11.000 I have no idea.

00:18:11.000 Your liver does it.

00:18:15.000 Who knows, man? 1.00

00:18:16.000 Your liver is what makes wheat so fucked up when you eat it. 1.00

00:18:20.000 That's when it produces that shit. 1.00

00:18:22.000 It's called 11-hydroxymetabolite. 1.00

00:18:24.000 Apparently, it's present in smoking it.

00:18:28.000 When you smoke it, it's present.

00:18:29.000 But it's not like a psychoactive levels. 0.96

00:18:31.000 But when you eat it, it's processed by your body and it produces this fucking insane chemical that's like four times more psychoactive than THC. That's why when you eat pot, it's so like, whoa. 0.89

00:18:43.000 Remember those brownies that were cookies that somebody gave us in Chicago? 1.00

00:18:46.000 Holy shit. 1.00

00:18:48.000 Even fucking Joey Diaz freaked out on them. 1.00

00:18:51.000 Joey Diaz said he had a mild heart attack. 0.99

00:18:54.000 That was the first time.

00:18:55.000 Well, no, it wasn't.

00:18:56.000 But it was the first time I realized.

00:18:57.000 We're all still high the next day, and you wake up, you're just kind of like shuffling your feet.

00:19:01.000 You feel sort of weird, like you're still tired until it hits you.

00:19:05.000 But you're too high to like...

00:19:07.000 Think it out.

00:19:08.000 So you're like...

00:19:08.000 I was so hot.

00:19:09.000 I re-evaluated my entire life that night.

00:19:12.000 I really did.

00:19:13.000 I made some life-changing decisions that night. 0.97

00:19:16.000 I was so fucking gone. 0.96

00:19:18.000 I literally... 0.99

00:19:19.000 I mean, it was very, very similar to taking mushrooms.

00:19:21.000 Very similar.

00:19:22.000 Just as intense and just going to a different place.

00:19:25.000 It was like, wow, this is strong.

00:19:27.000 And you know how I knew it was really, really, really strong?

00:19:29.000 It's when I laid in the bed and I closed my eyes. 0.99

00:19:31.000 And the fucking hallucinations were insane. 0.99

00:19:36.000 Yeah, it was all these cartoon characters fucking each other and becoming different things. 1.00

00:19:43.000 Fucking each other and becoming different things. 1.00

00:19:45.000 Fucking each other and becoming different things. 1.00

00:19:47.000 It was insane. 0.99

00:19:48.000 The cartoon characters were like a glowing, almost like a neon.

00:19:52.000 They had a glowing neon quality to them.

00:19:55.000 They looked like someone drew them, but then there was a glowing neon center to them. 0.98

00:20:00.000 It was fucking insane. 0.96

00:20:02.000 It went on for like a half an hour. 1.00

00:20:04.000 I was like, holy shit. 0.99

00:20:06.000 This is just from eating weed. 0.99

00:20:08.000 Last time I ate mushrooms, when I was getting sick and stuff, then I resorted to bed.

00:20:12.000 And it was weird because it went into stages of like, first I was shaking real fast, then I went into like a sweaty, and then I got into like a thing that felt like I was going inside out or something.

00:20:22.000 And it was like seven things, but it was in a cycle.

00:20:25.000 Like it kept on doing it.

00:20:26.000 Like I'm like, alright, next is coming to shake, right?

00:20:28.000 Oh yeah.

00:20:28.000 Here comes the shake.

00:20:29.000 And then I was like, oh wait, it's like seasons of the earth, man.

00:20:33.000 How many did you go through?

00:20:35.000 Probably about 150 of those things.

00:20:38.000 That's how bad my last mushroom trip was.

00:20:41.000 It was sick mixed with thinking I was some kind of season.

00:20:46.000 How much did you take?

00:20:48.000 About an eighth or half an eighth, 75% of an eighth or something like that.

00:20:53.000 What is an eighth?

00:20:56.000 Usually people do half an eighth and then maybe later, I'd say.

00:21:00.000 3.546 or something.

00:21:03.000 They say the real big dose is like 5 grams.

00:21:07.000 Five grams?

00:21:08.000 See, you talk to some people and they're just like, no dude, you gotta smoke seven joints. 0.98

00:21:13.000 A lot of people think that to get the most out of pot, the way to really do it right is to not smoke pot for a long time and then blow it the fuck out. 0.67

00:21:22.000 Just get high as a kite. 0.67

00:21:24.000 I haven't smoked for the last couple days and now I'm just gone. 0.93

00:21:27.000 but have you heard of people yeah but that's just a couple days you stoner we're talking about like taking a muck off I was like I haven't smoked in at least 28 hours have you ever talked to those guys that like I don't trip on one hit of ass I trip on 10 man Well, there are definitely some dudes. 0.53

00:21:43.000 What's wrong with those people?

00:21:44.000 I don't know, man, but don't you think that we all have different chemical structures to our bodies?

00:21:47.000 Yeah, but it's like, I bet you they didn't even try the one dose thing.

00:21:51.000 They're just like, no, I like to eat five pizzas, man.

00:21:55.000 Have you ever met a dude who just can't drink?

00:21:58.000 I knew, especially back in Boston, I knew a lot of guys that they would drink and then all of a sudden, I mean, one drink and they were at Gonsville.

00:22:05.000 They just didn't exist.

00:22:06.000 A girl I went out with once.

00:22:07.000 One drink.

00:22:08.000 She would go one drink in and then all of a sudden she'd be... 1.00

00:22:12.000 Throwing glasses and yelling shit and swearing at people. 0.99

00:22:15.000 Yeah, she's the same weight as somebody who can completely handle it. 1.00

00:22:17.000 It was nuts.

00:22:18.000 It was nuts. 1.00

00:22:19.000 I mean, it was one fucking drink and she would be gone. 1.00

00:22:22.000 One? 1.00

00:22:22.000 One drink. 1.00

00:22:23.000 It was like she was allergic to alcohol or something.

00:22:25.000 It was something weird. 0.98

00:22:26.000 And she was completely crazy.

00:22:28.000 There was one girl I knew, a Jewish girl, she's a friend of mine on Facebook, she might be watching so I won't say her name, but first time she smoked weed up... 1.00

00:22:35.000 Why'd you have to say her fucking religion, man? 0.99

00:22:36.000 Huh? 1.00

00:22:37.000 Oh, she's Jewish. 0.99

00:22:38.000 Why'd you have to say that?

00:22:39.000 Because I want you guys to at least have a chance to find out who she is.

00:22:42.000 Just tell me!

00:22:46.000 I think you earned it.

00:22:50.000 It's a hilarious story.

00:22:52.000 Okay, so it's just a hint.

00:22:53.000 Alright, so she smoked weed at my house. 1.00

00:22:56.000 She's like, I'm not good with weed, whatever.

00:22:57.000 She smoked one bong hit.

00:22:59.000 She stood up, ran full speed into my bathroom, hit the bathtub, and just flew in the bathtub and smashed her face in the bathtub. 1.00

00:23:07.000 And I'm like, what?

00:23:08.000 Oh my god.

00:23:10.000 I just had to run.

00:23:12.000 Oh my god.

00:23:14.000 That was like one hit. 0.99

00:23:15.000 I'm like, holy shit, there's something weird in her, whatever, DNA that snapped immediately. 1.00

00:23:21.000 Well, you know, we also don't realize how strong this fucking weed is. 1.00

00:23:25.000 Right. 1.00

00:23:25.000 This is Ohio shit weed out there. 1.00

00:23:27.000 Really? 1.00

00:23:27.000 Yeah, this isn't Ohio. 1.00

00:23:28.000 Damn. 0.99

00:23:30.000 Wow. 1.00

00:23:31.000 Maybe she's just a freak. 1.00

00:23:33.000 How bad was Ohio's weed compared to California's weed? 0.97

00:23:35.000 Oh, it was Mexican brick weed. 1.00

00:23:36.000 Where it's compressed, where at least you're like, I don't have much weed left, but that one brick you're just pulling out tons of shit. 0.99

00:23:42.000 That was a long time ago, right? 0.97

00:23:43.000 Maybe it's gotten better?

00:23:44.000 In Ohio?

00:23:45.000 We'll probably get it from California.

00:23:47.000 Yeah, I'm sure it's better.

00:23:48.000 I was also a broker back then, so it probably always existed.

00:23:51.000 The people that get arrested for drugs, why is it they're always speeding? 0.99

00:23:55.000 What the fuck is that? 0.99

00:23:57.000 It's like you have a life sentence in your car. 1.00

00:23:58.000 Why don't you just slow down? 1.00

00:23:59.000 They're always doing something stupid. 1.00

00:24:00.000 Like they're always talking on the phone without using a headset. 1.00

00:24:03.000 And they get pulled over for that.

00:24:04.000 And all of a sudden the cops are like...

00:24:05.000 Right.

00:24:06.000 Why do I smell weed? 0.99

00:24:07.000 And then you pop the trunk and he's got a fucking giant brick of weed in the back. 0.99

00:24:11.000 Right. 0.98

00:24:12.000 Or you're parked on the side of the road with your door open and a girl's sitting on your lap.

00:24:15.000 And you're like, okay, why do you have a gun in the backseat of your car?

00:24:18.000 Right, right, right.

00:24:19.000 Yeah.

00:24:20.000 Why are you so nervous?

00:24:20.000 Why are you sweating?

00:24:21.000 What is it about these fucking trucks that get busted and they have like a hundred million dollars worth of weed in them? 1.00

00:24:27.000 You know, like giant fucking semis. 1.00

00:24:29.000 Like, how crazy is that? 1.00

00:24:30.000 That's like a gamble.

00:24:31.000 Let's take a chance. 1.00

00:24:32.000 Fuck it. 1.00

00:24:32.000 How many do you think of those get through? 1.00

00:24:34.000 Dude, I bet a lot.

00:24:35.000 They must get through.

00:24:36.000 I bet 90% of them get through.

00:24:38.000 They busted one of them in Arizona because the guy had a UPS truck.

00:24:42.000 It was a UPS truck.

00:24:43.000 Stolen?

00:24:44.000 No, it wasn't real.

00:24:45.000 It was forged, a fake UPS truck.

00:24:48.000 They made a UPS truck with fake numbers.

00:24:50.000 Wow. 1.00

00:24:50.000 They just took the numbers from one of the other UPS trucks, they wrote it down, they recreated a fucking UPS truck. 1.00

00:24:55.000 Brilliant. 0.99

00:24:55.000 Yeah, brilliant. 0.99

00:24:55.000 And why did they get the Uber? 0.99

00:24:56.000 Because the cops ran the fucking number that was on it. 0.99

00:24:59.000 They were speeding or doing something. 0.99

00:25:00.000 The cops ran the number that was on it, and it turns out it was the wrong truck.

00:25:06.000 They're like, no, we're in Michigan.

00:25:07.000 It didn't match.

00:25:08.000 For whatever reason.

00:25:09.000 So they decided to pull him over.

00:25:11.000 So they pulled this guy over. 0.99

00:25:11.000 He's got a giant fucking truckload of weed. 0.99

00:25:15.000 I mean, they just decided to pretend that they were delivering. 1.00

00:25:18.000 We're for UPS. They figured nobody would check it.

00:25:21.000 They probably got away with it a fuckload of times.

00:25:23.000 Yeah.

00:25:23.000 You know, and then one guy just got a little careless and started driving fast and he got busted.

00:25:27.000 You always get complacent.

00:25:28.000 You get away with it a few times, you get totally normal.

00:25:31.000 And you feel like, I'm not going to get caught.

00:25:33.000 Yeah.

00:25:33.000 You know?

00:25:35.000 I mean, that's what, and that becomes part of the thrill of it, too, I think, for people.

00:25:39.000 There's a lot of people that are addicted to crime, and they think that crime, like selling weed or doing anything illegal, where you, you know, you don't really even pay taxes on it. 0.99

00:25:46.000 There's a fucking, a wild outlaw thrill to that shit, you know? 1.00

00:25:50.000 Some people love living like that. 1.00

00:25:52.000 But those motherfuckers, you can't be around them. 1.00

00:25:54.000 They're gonna blow up. 1.00

00:25:55.000 That shit is not going to last. 1.00

00:25:57.000 You're not playing by society's rules. 1.00

00:25:59.000 When you're running around selling drugs, I like to get drugs, and I think it's awesome that you're doing that, but I don't want to be around you, because if you're the guy who's making his life off of selling cocaine, you might be fucking crazy. 1.00

00:26:13.000 You might just be a reckless, wild motherfucker. 1.00

00:26:16.000 That's a dangerous thing. 1.00

00:26:18.000 How many people get rich and retire off of cocaine?

00:26:22.000 I don't know any.

00:26:24.000 There's a few that you hear about in Cocaine Cowboys.

00:26:29.000 Really?

00:26:29.000 Griselda, she's still alive.

00:26:31.000 Cocaine Cowboys too.

00:26:32.000 She got out and retired? 0.97

00:26:34.000 She got out and they shipped her to Bogota.

00:26:36.000 She killed, like, 200 people. 1.00

00:26:37.000 Oh, really?

00:26:38.000 Yeah, she made hundreds of millions of dollars. 1.00

00:26:40.000 She was, like, the queen of cocaine. 1.00

00:26:41.000 To kill 200 people? 0.99

00:26:42.000 Oh, yeah, yeah. 1.00

00:26:42.000 An overdose? 1.00

00:26:43.000 Directly responsible for, like, 200 people dying.

00:26:47.000 Off her coke?

00:26:48.000 Bro, what are you doing?

00:26:49.000 Somebody asked what I was drinking.

00:26:51.000 I was putting it up.

00:26:52.000 Oh.

00:26:54.000 Weirdos.

00:26:55.000 It's good.

00:26:56.000 It tastes like beer almost.

00:26:57.000 Oh, it's kombucha.

00:26:58.000 I thought it was a beer.

00:27:00.000 That wouldn't be weird.

00:27:01.000 I guess it's not weird.

00:27:02.000 No, it wouldn't really be that weird.

00:27:03.000 Anyway, this Griselda chick is still alive. 0.92

00:27:05.000 They took pictures of her in Bogota, Colombia.

00:27:07.000 So she got out of jail.

00:27:08.000 They deported her. 0.99

00:27:09.000 And now she's fucking running around Colombia. 1.00

00:27:11.000 Man. 1.00

00:27:13.000 She's rich as fuck. 1.00

00:27:14.000 She's like incredibly, incredibly rich and ruthless. 1.00

00:27:17.000 Cocaine Cowboys is fucking incredible. 0.99

00:27:19.000 I never saw it. 0.99

00:27:19.000 Oh my god, you have to watch it. 0.99

00:27:21.000 It's one of the greatest documentaries ever.

00:27:22.000 And then Cocaine Cowboys 2 is even better. 0.99

00:27:25.000 Cocaine Cowboys 2 is just fucking nuts, man. 0.96

00:27:28.000 I mean, it tells you, it just shows you how nutty Miami was in the 1980s when cocaine was coming through there. 0.99

00:27:35.000 I mean, it just changed the fucking face of the city. 0.99

00:27:38.000 That city was built on cocaine. 1.00

00:27:41.000 Mm-hmm.

00:27:41.000 The cops, there were so many corrupt cops that one year, the entire graduating group in the police academy, the entire graduating group, all of them either wound up dead or locked up in jail.

00:27:55.000 Really?

00:27:55.000 Yep.

00:27:56.000 All of them. 0.57

00:27:57.000 I hate Miami so much.

00:27:58.000 Oh my god, it's so crazy. 0.94

00:27:59.000 And that's why I'm so crazy.

00:28:01.000 It's the Coke.

00:28:02.000 It's a cocaine-flavored city.

00:28:04.000 There's a lot of cool people in Miami, man.

00:28:06.000 I had a show there recently.

00:28:07.000 I did the Lincoln Theater. 0.98

00:28:08.000 It was fucking awesome, man. 0.98

00:28:09.000 It was really awesome. 0.98

00:28:11.000 Everybody was super cool.

00:28:12.000 The show was nice. 1.00

00:28:13.000 But fuck, man. 1.00

00:28:15.000 That improv. 1.00

00:28:16.000 That improv's the worst improv.

00:28:17.000 The worst comedy club I've ever been to.

00:28:19.000 Ever.

00:28:19.000 That Miami improv made me stop going to Miami.

00:28:22.000 Yeah.

00:28:22.000 It was so bad.

00:28:24.000 They would just yell out shit. 1.00

00:28:26.000 Nobody gave a fuck. 1.00

00:28:27.000 It was just like... 0.99

00:28:28.000 30 tables just screaming at...

00:28:29.000 We're talking! 1.00

00:28:30.000 You shut up! 1.00

00:28:30.000 What? 1.00

00:28:31.000 A giant room full of cokeheads. 1.00

00:28:33.000 I mean, just a room full of cokeheads. 1.00

00:28:36.000 We're not even lying about this.

00:28:37.000 Like, if we had 200 people in the crowd, how many people do you think were cokeheads? 1.00

00:28:41.000 If we had how many?

00:28:42.000 200. I'd say 80. I'd say 80 were on coke.

00:28:46.000 80 were on coke.

00:28:47.000 Yeah.

00:28:47.000 Another 40 doesn't have any on them.

00:28:49.000 That's not bullshit. 0.95

00:28:50.000 And the 40 that didn't have it on them, they might get shitty because they're coming down. 0.97

00:28:53.000 Yeah.

00:28:53.000 I mean, really.

00:28:54.000 It was fucking crazy. 0.98

00:28:56.000 Yeah, 80's about right. 1.00

00:28:57.000 That place was crazy. 0.97

00:28:59.000 And Cuban coked up. 1.00

00:29:00.000 And that place is one of the places where I've never heard a headliner get more sabotaged when they decided to put Kevin Meaney up after Joey Diaz. 0.73

00:29:10.000 You're talking Cuban and cokehead. 1.00

00:29:13.000 That's what, I mean, the audience is Cuban, the audience is Cuban, right?

00:29:17.000 The audience does, you know, coke, and Joey has, like, an hour of coke material. 0.99

00:29:23.000 He could go on and on about all kinds of shit. 0.99

00:29:25.000 The best is watching him, and the way he says it's so funny, so you kind of giggle, like, oh, that sounds funny, and then you'll see somebody just die laughing, and you're like, oh, you know about this shit. 1.00

00:29:33.000 He says shit that I don't even know because I've never done coke, but it's funny. 0.99

00:29:36.000 Two times a lady on a Thursday. 1.00

00:29:38.000 You know.

00:29:39.000 You know what the fuck I'm talking about. 0.99

00:29:40.000 I'm like, I don't know. 1.00

00:29:41.000 But if he does that to a room full of cokeheads, oh my god, Joey used to destroy that place. 1.00

00:29:48.000 He used to level that motherfucker. 1.00

00:29:50.000 He was on stage once and he was spitting and sweat was flying off of him. 1.00

00:29:57.000 And he was telling jokes about him being in one window, they're both on coke, him and his cat, and he's in one window, and the cat's in the other one, and they're fucking looking out for police. 0.54

00:30:07.000 I don't think I've ever laughed any harder. 0.81

00:30:10.000 I don't think I've ever laughed any harder.

00:30:12.000 And Joey, so Joey's leveling these audiences with this kind of material.

00:30:16.000 And Kevin Meany went up after him.

00:30:18.000 And this was before Kevin Meany came out of the closet.

00:30:21.000 So Kevin Meany was doing like, he used to do We Are The World, like a We Are The World tribute thing, like a whole song that was like his closing bit.

00:30:28.000 But this was like decades after that We Are The World.

00:30:31.000 Nobody remembered that anymore. 0.98

00:30:32.000 And these 20-year-old people in the audience had no idea what the fuck he was talking about. 0.95

00:30:36.000 And this is after Joey goes up. 1.00

00:30:37.000 They're like, shut up! 1.00

00:30:38.000 Yeah, and they're animals. 0.99

00:30:39.000 And this is after Joey goes up, and Joey's just leveling the place.

00:30:43.000 I mean, it hurts you to watch...

00:30:45.000 It hurt you to watch.

00:30:48.000 That's one of the worst, like, scheduling of comics ever.

00:30:51.000 They do that all the time.

00:30:52.000 Like, especially, like...

00:30:53.000 Why, just to punish them?

00:30:54.000 No.

00:30:55.000 People, like...

00:30:56.000 Just not smart.

00:30:56.000 If a comic wants too much money, sometimes they'll do that.

00:30:59.000 You know, like... 1.00

00:31:00.000 Oh, the fucking movie. 1.00

00:31:00.000 Some people don't think a guy's that good. 1.00

00:31:02.000 Like, some club owners are really fucking stupid. 1.00

00:31:04.000 Oh, they'll be like, oh, yeah, he's just fine. 1.00

00:31:06.000 Well, what I heard was... 0.99

00:31:06.000 The one who I heard got fucked with the most was Mitch Hedberg. 0.99

00:31:09.000 Mitch Hedberg got fucked with a bunch of times where they would put on like these singing black guys before him, you know, and these guys would destroy with like really dumb, hack shit. 0.99

00:31:18.000 And then Mitch Hedberg would go up with this really weird, unique act, you know, that like on paper isn't even funny, you know, it's like he's got some really great stuff. 0.96

00:31:27.000 Like an interesting way of delivering, but it was, it's very much you have to set it up correctly.

00:31:33.000 You can't have some guy... 1.00

00:31:34.000 Going up singing and dancing and having the whole audience clap along.

00:31:39.000 And then Hedberg, who just basically stands there...

00:31:41.000 Says nothing for two minutes.

00:31:43.000 You know?

00:31:44.000 Double G Hotel.

00:31:45.000 He's got all these weird jokes that are just so uniquely him.

00:31:50.000 But you've got to set it up right.

00:31:52.000 And that's a part of comedy.

00:31:54.000 People go, oh, that guy can't follow that guy.

00:31:55.000 It doesn't mean that that guy's not good.

00:31:57.000 It means that their acts aren't compatible.

00:32:00.000 A lot of people don't have a hard time following the other people.

00:32:02.000 But...

00:32:03.000 Those people will have a harder time following people that I don't have, you know, have a problem following.

00:32:07.000 It's just certain styles. 1.00

00:32:09.000 There's a lot, I mean, if a guy's like really super cerebral and really wordy and doesn't swear and is really, you know, and you go up and you want to talk about getting your dick sucked, you know, people are like, whoa, what the fuck? 0.99

00:32:20.000 Even when Brett Ernst for some reason and Caponera were killing, I would always do well. 0.99

00:32:24.000 I don't know why.

00:32:26.000 When other people are killing, then I have trouble and it's like, I don't, it's just certain styles.

00:32:30.000 Yeah, Joey used to have, his jinx used to be AJ Jamal.

00:32:34.000 Remember how good AJ was?

00:32:36.000 Yeah, he was great.

00:32:36.000 Oh, he was amazing.

00:32:37.000 Incredible timing.

00:32:38.000 AJ Jamal was such a pro, man.

00:32:40.000 He just...

00:32:41.000 His timing was just so perfect.

00:32:43.000 You could hear the same jokes ten times in a row, and he still would laugh.

00:32:46.000 And for whatever reason, I think that just got inside Joey's head, because Joey wasn't that kind of a guy.

00:32:50.000 He wasn't like a technician.

00:32:52.000 Like, AJ Jamal just had that perfect timing.

00:32:55.000 Yeah, and just the way he would do it, like, you would just be recovering from the last joke, and then the next one would hit you.

00:33:01.000 But it would hit you at the right time.

00:33:03.000 Like, while you're still appreciating that joke...

00:33:04.000 And then another one hits you, and he just would hit you with these waves, and Joey was just a, you know, sort of like a stream of consciousness guy. 0.99

00:33:12.000 He would just go up, he had a couple ideas of some jokes he would talk about, but he wanted to just fuck around. 0.98

00:33:17.000 He wanted to, like, find the material on stage. 0.95

00:33:19.000 I think it bothered him that this guy was, like, so...

00:33:23.000 So, like, rigid.

00:33:24.000 That used to bother me a lot, too.

00:33:26.000 If a guy had a really strong act, if it was really strong and well done, it would make me insecure. 0.99

00:33:32.000 I would say, fuck, is mine that good? 0.99

00:33:35.000 I mean, I'm not doing what he's doing. 0.99

00:33:37.000 I have trouble following somebody who does real, real well with crowd work.

00:33:41.000 Then it's like, because then that's my pull-out move is to do some crowd work.

00:33:44.000 But then it's like, wow, he just did it already.

00:33:46.000 He did it better than you. 0.98

00:33:47.000 So now my one cheat move is fucking taken away from me. 0.99

00:33:50.000 Yeah, yeah. 0.92

00:33:51.000 Yeah, that crowd move is a good move if you've got a position to go to it.

00:33:56.000 You know, like you used to have the...

00:33:57.000 I don't want to say the job, but...

00:33:58.000 You know, there's one that you do where you talk to a chick in the audience and it just blam! 1.00

00:34:04.000 You know, I always wait for it.

00:34:06.000 Like, when you start talking about that, and then I go, here it comes.

00:34:09.000 Like, if you're ever in a tricky situation, you bust that one up, that's just a guaranteed crack in the face.

00:34:14.000 You know?

00:34:15.000 But those are nice things.

00:34:16.000 I mean, it's really no different than any other kind of joke that you're going to just...

00:34:19.000 I mean, you're recreating the moment.

00:34:21.000 You know, you're saying it all like you're thinking it right there and then. 0.99

00:34:24.000 But a lot of it is shit you've said many, many times before. 0.98

00:34:27.000 You just got to keep it as organic as possible. 0.97

00:34:29.000 Yeah, I like doing crowd work, too, because it sets my mouth and my cadence to be like, this is me real talking.

00:34:34.000 Like, what's that?

00:34:34.000 It's a nice jacket.

00:34:35.000 I like that shit. 1.00

00:34:36.000 Yeah, that's smart. 1.00

00:34:37.000 Yeah.

00:34:37.000 And then if my joke's done, and then I went to the store!

00:34:42.000 When does it ever sound grosser than when you're in a tiny little audience?

00:34:46.000 When you're in a tiny audience, like three people, you see all the problems with your material.

00:34:52.000 Tiny audiences are really good to do.

00:34:54.000 Because when you perform in front of three people, it's so uncomfortable.

00:34:58.000 That you're making this person talk to you.

00:35:00.000 The illusion of a crowd is just gone.

00:35:02.000 It's just like, what are we doing?

00:35:04.000 I performed for two ones.

00:35:05.000 Two people at Dangerfields in New York City.

00:35:08.000 And it was the weirdest feeling.

00:35:10.000 But it makes you snip out the fat in your jokes.

00:35:14.000 It makes you get to the point quicker. 0.83

00:35:16.000 You respect their attention span more because it's more ridiculous for you to require them to listen to you.

00:35:21.000 But you also can't pretend like you're doing a pause that might be set in there theatrically in a good way.

00:35:25.000 You're like, I can't even do it now.

00:35:26.000 It's not even a bad thing. 0.54

00:35:27.000 It just seems really fucking weird. 0.99

00:35:29.000 Really fucking fake. 1.00

00:35:30.000 You find out what the fake shit is. 1.00

00:35:32.000 You can do a pause if you're really thinking that way. 1.00

00:35:35.000 If there's a moment you're at where you're like... 1.00

00:35:39.000 What the fuck? 0.99

00:35:41.000 What is that? 1.00

00:35:42.000 There is a real moment.

00:35:44.000 There's a real opportunity for a moment there.

00:35:45.000 But it has to be real.

00:35:46.000 I think very often we write stuff and we write it and we say it in a way we just know it's going to kill.

00:35:52.000 It's not necessarily the way you would say it in front of a small group of people. 1.00

00:35:55.000 It's good to clean your act up with that shit. 0.99

00:35:58.000 It's good to do shows where people aren't impressed, too. 0.99

00:36:00.000 That's why it's good to do those improv shows, like those Wednesday night shows.

00:36:04.000 They don't know you're going to be there.

00:36:07.000 They're not your fans.

00:36:08.000 They don't come to see you.

00:36:08.000 They come to see any kind of comedy.

00:36:10.000 And they just saw ten guys that have been on television.

00:36:12.000 That guy from Comedy Juice just wrote me yesterday.

00:36:15.000 And he was like, Hey, Ari, we'd love to have you come back.

00:36:17.000 I know you did it before.

00:36:18.000 And I was like, Oh, cool.

00:36:19.000 I did it once.

00:36:19.000 And the guy who booked it left.

00:36:21.000 So I've been looking to see you get in contact with me.

00:36:23.000 And he was like, Yeah, anytime you want.

00:36:25.000 Next week, the week after, the week after that.

00:36:26.000 And I was like, How about the week after that?

00:36:29.000 This is Ari.

00:36:30.000 And he goes, oh, now how about April?

00:36:31.000 And I'm like, you thought it was Aries Spears, didn't you?

00:36:33.000 And he was like, yeah, I did.

00:36:35.000 I think it auto-completed on whatever.

00:36:38.000 And I was like, it's fine, man.

00:36:40.000 That happens.

00:36:40.000 It's not the first time.

00:36:41.000 That is hilarious.

00:36:42.000 You know, the webcam's on, guys.

00:36:44.000 Oh, yeah.

00:36:45.000 Look at it. 1.00

00:36:45.000 You're telling me a fucking show, man. 1.00

00:36:47.000 You're telling me a little story. 1.00

00:36:48.000 You don't have to stare at people.

00:36:49.000 Yeah, so my manager called.

00:36:50.000 You know, the guy that no one else knows ever.

00:36:52.000 Except you, too.

00:36:54.000 I thought that was a good story, man. 1.00

00:36:56.000 I'm fucking baked. 0.99

00:36:57.000 He wanted to go to Comedy Juice. 0.99

00:36:58.000 Comedy Juice is...

00:36:59.000 It all related, man.

00:37:01.000 Comedy Juice is the local show, Wednesday nights.

00:37:04.000 Wednesday nights at the improv.

00:37:05.000 Really good show.

00:37:06.000 And there's always, like, you know, famous people.

00:37:08.000 Louis C.K. will stop by.

00:37:10.000 Mark Merrill will stop by.

00:37:11.000 All these good guys will stop by.

00:37:12.000 So it's a good place to perform.

00:37:14.000 But it's good to do, like, little tiny shitholes, too, right?

00:37:16.000 It's good to do, like, bars and dives and...

00:37:19.000 You know what's great is that little room next to the improv.

00:37:22.000 You know, there's the big improv, but there's that little tiny-ass room.

00:37:24.000 That's what we're doing.

00:37:25.000 What's it called show?

00:37:26.000 The what show?

00:37:27.000 Psycho Dealer Show.

00:37:28.000 No, no, no, I mean in Tempe.

00:37:29.000 Oh, oh, oh, yeah.

00:37:30.000 You know that one?

00:37:31.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:37:31.000 That was the shit. 1.00

00:37:32.000 Did you go up in there? 1.00

00:37:33.000 No, I've never been up there.

00:37:33.000 Just watched.

00:37:34.000 Just watched.

00:37:35.000 Todd Glass goes and just does that room.

00:37:37.000 You know? 0.99

00:37:38.000 It's a fucking sweet room, man. 0.99

00:37:40.000 I mean, it's one of the sweetest rooms in the country and it's connected to one of the biggest rooms in the country. 0.99

00:37:43.000 It's like a comedy complex.

00:37:45.000 It's amazing that Tempe has so much comedy, you know?

00:37:48.000 It's also the biggest improv to begin with.

00:37:50.000 Is it?

00:37:50.000 Oh, Chicago might be bigger now.

00:37:52.000 Oh, San Jose, San Jose, yeah.

00:37:54.000 Listen to me, West Palm is bigger than all.

00:37:57.000 Oh, they redid it now, right?

00:37:58.000 West Palm is huge.

00:38:00.000 It's like 700 people. 0.99

00:38:01.000 It's fucking insane. 0.99

00:38:03.000 You walk in there and you're like, what?! 1.00

00:38:05.000 Like, it's so big.

00:38:06.000 What does San Jose have?

00:38:08.000 Is it like 500 maybe?

00:38:09.000 450, 480, something like that.

00:38:11.000 This place is 700 people.

00:38:12.000 Something like that.

00:38:13.000 At least 650. But apparently, it's hard to fucking film, man. 0.99

00:38:17.000 It's hard to film. 0.99

00:38:17.000 Yeah, Bruce Bruce and Gabriel Iglesias every other week. 0.99

00:38:21.000 Yeah.

00:38:22.000 Did you guys see that Carlos Messia fight on his Twitter the other day he had with some guy that was making fun of him or something?

00:38:28.000 No. 1.00

00:38:28.000 Not that poor fuck, though. 1.00

00:38:29.000 What had happened? 1.00

00:38:30.000 It's just, it's very crazy how this guy got to him pre...

00:38:35.000 What did he say to him? 0.99

00:38:36.000 Guy just started shitting on me. 1.00

00:38:37.000 I own you! 0.99

00:38:38.000 I bet you spend more time on me than any other comedians you actually like.

00:38:41.000 I own you!

00:38:43.000 I'm the punisher!

00:38:44.000 Any time you try to publicly show somebody up online, you're like, you're not showing them up. 1.00

00:38:48.000 You're just, it's just, you're both of you guys are just idiots. 1.00

00:38:50.000 You can't ever hear a response. 1.00

00:38:53.000 I did that before. 1.00

00:38:54.000 You feel like an idiot afterwards. 1.00

00:38:56.000 Why did I waste my time doing this? 1.00

00:38:57.000 Like, there's sometimes when you read something, someone will say something douchey, and you're like, I can just crush this idiot right now. 1.00

00:39:02.000 And then I was like, what am I doing? 1.00

00:39:05.000 Like, why am I entering?

00:39:06.000 Like, people are just drawing into some silly fight.

00:39:09.000 Like, why do you care?

00:39:10.000 I saw someone on Twitter talk about that, and they said, to Marin, and they said, uh, it's like the Special Olympics. 0.99

00:39:15.000 Even if you win, just so retarded. 1.00

00:39:17.000 Yeah, that's like a, there's a picture of that. 0.97

00:39:19.000 You know what would be really funny?

00:39:21.000 Inspirational pictures.

00:39:22.000 What would be really funny is to film somebody like that.

00:39:25.000 Film somebody have this online war with somebody and just have them going back and forth and it became so dangerous that you go to fight them and it's like a four-year-old.

00:39:33.000 That's all it is, usually.

00:39:34.000 Who are they?

00:39:35.000 He was a kid who was 20. That kid from Ohio.

00:39:39.000 Remember?

00:39:40.000 We brought him to the show. 1.00

00:39:41.000 He turned out to be just a kid fucking around. 0.99

00:39:43.000 I mean, he was a nice guy. 0.99

00:39:44.000 I even talked to him on the Jimmy Fallon.

00:39:46.000 You can't tell tone, too.

00:39:47.000 This guy, he and I had a MySpace battle. 0.51

00:39:51.000 It was really ridiculous.

00:39:55.000 It got put on some websites. 0.58

00:39:57.000 He and I went back and forth, even in the emails.

00:40:01.000 He said, alright, you win.

00:40:03.000 He said, if I ever meet you, I would be happy to shake your hand.

00:40:06.000 I said, I'd shake your hand too, dude.

00:40:07.000 It's all just fun.

00:40:08.000 He goes, yeah.

00:40:09.000 He goes, well, it's nice talking to you.

00:40:10.000 It ended like okay.

00:40:12.000 It was really weird. 0.98

00:40:14.000 You know, sometimes you talk shit to people, and you don't really mean what you're saying, but it's like you've entered into like a little contest. 1.00

00:40:19.000 Like, you want to talk stupid? 1.00

00:40:21.000 You want to say some dumb shit? 1.00

00:40:22.000 Well, I'm going to say some dumb shit to you. 1.00

00:40:22.000 It's the only way you can show somebody up, too. 1.00

00:40:24.000 The best of people that think just insulting your mother will do the trick.

00:40:27.000 Oh, come on. 1.00

00:40:28.000 Like, I fucked your mom three times this week. 1.00

00:40:30.000 Ha-ha! 1.00

00:40:30.000 Boom! 1.00

00:40:31.000 Pew!

00:40:31.000 But for comics and for us...

00:40:33.000 That's a fun exercise sometimes.

00:40:34.000 That's the problem.

00:40:35.000 It's like when people know that you do it, they get mad at you. 1.00

00:40:38.000 Like, what an asshole. 1.00

00:40:40.000 He's calling this guy a loser. 1.00

00:40:41.000 Maybe you're a fucking loser. 1.00

00:40:42.000 We think you're a fucking badass because you're on TV. But no, I'm just practicing dealing with douchebags. 1.00

00:40:47.000 They're like online hecklers. 0.97

00:40:49.000 It's like the same thing as a heckler in an audience.

00:40:51.000 It's really the same thing.

00:40:52.000 You're just breaking them down.

00:40:53.000 For a comic, that's fun sometimes.

00:40:55.000 Yeah.

00:40:56.000 I don't do it online.

00:40:58.000 I don't do it online anymore.

00:41:00.000 I used to. 1.00

00:41:01.000 It's just so stupid. 1.00

00:41:02.000 It's like you're deciding to get upset and to enter into this little competition with someone who you don't know who chooses to interact with you that way. 1.00

00:41:12.000 That's the way they choose to interact with you.

00:41:13.000 They choose to attack you. 0.98

00:41:14.000 And you're just going to submit to that and start going back and forth and that's ridiculous. 0.96

00:41:19.000 They win right away.

00:41:20.000 That's just part of being in the public eye.

00:41:24.000 Part of being an entertainer.

00:41:25.000 You're going to get people that want to hate you.

00:41:27.000 That's normal.

00:41:28.000 As soon as they start, as soon as you get back in the hall, you're like, maybe I'll show them up.

00:41:31.000 You won't, no matter what you do.

00:41:32.000 It's a waste of energy.

00:41:33.000 It's what it is.

00:41:34.000 It's a waste of energy. 0.98

00:41:35.000 Unless you can do it and you're just having fun and it's good-natured and you do it just for shits and giggles. 0.96

00:41:42.000 As long as it's good-natured. 0.71

00:41:43.000 But if you're really getting upset and you're really trying to hurt their feelings, like...

00:41:47.000 My rules, too, is if you just want to show them that they err their ways, you never will.

00:41:51.000 They'll never see it.

00:41:53.000 They'll think that they showed you up, you don't think you showed them.

00:41:56.000 Some people will.

00:41:57.000 It's so rare for a reflective moment.

00:41:59.000 You know what?

00:41:59.000 Yeah, but you never know, man.

00:42:00.000 You might be able to, with no aggression, you might be able to show someone just in a very calm way.

00:42:06.000 It's just very hard.

00:42:07.000 It's very hard for them to accept it, but the occasional person will accept it.

00:42:10.000 Occasional person is just confused.

00:42:12.000 A lot of people, man, the reason why they lash out is because really they just want someone to love them.

00:42:17.000 No one loves them. 1.00

00:42:18.000 And this is a lot of fucking humans out there, man. 1.00

00:42:20.000 There's a lot of people that live these terrible fucking lives. 1.00

00:42:23.000 I don't know who it was. 1.00

00:42:25.000 I think it was some fucking famous guy. 0.98

00:42:30.000 Was it Emerson? 0.99

00:42:31.000 I don't remember who it was.

00:42:32.000 I heard this quote. 1.00

00:42:36.000 Oh, fuck. 1.00

00:42:37.000 What was it? 1.00

00:42:40.000 God damn it. 0.99

00:42:41.000 I'm too high. 0.99

00:42:42.000 Taylor got into a, uh, somebody yelled at him in the supermarket parking lot because he was going in the wrong way.

00:42:47.000 And somebody is, you know, I got into an accident once that way.

00:42:49.000 And he said, he goes, yeah, I bet you got to an accident.

00:42:52.000 Somebody's going the right way.

00:42:54.000 Like, what does that mean?

00:42:55.000 It doesn't prove anything. 0.98

00:42:56.000 God damn, I forgot the quote. 0.98

00:42:58.000 What was it? 0.99

00:42:59.000 What was it about?

00:43:00.000 I remember.

00:43:01.000 I remember.

00:43:01.000 Too much weed.

00:43:03.000 Alright, Tempe, Arizona this weekend.

00:43:05.000 Hey, Mike, you're going to the chat and there's been a lot of good questions.

00:43:08.000 What are the questions?

00:43:11.000 Give us one, Brian.

00:43:12.000 Send it out loud.

00:43:13.000 Stop talking about comedy.

00:43:16.000 That's not a question, really.

00:43:17.000 I don't know how far we got in school.

00:43:18.000 Nobody can tell us what to talk about.

00:43:21.000 What are the other questions?

00:43:22.000 More of a question form.

00:43:23.000 Dudes, enough about stand-up comedy.

00:43:27.000 Listen, you don't have to watch it, folks, if you're not enjoying it. 0.99

00:43:31.000 Just fucking... 0.99

00:43:32.000 Did you watch the Oscars? 1.00

00:43:33.000 Go on.

00:43:34.000 Do your own thing. 1.00

00:43:34.000 I gave up on the Oscars when In the Bedroom lost to that fucking Terrible Mind or whatever, the split personality guy. 1.00

00:43:40.000 Right. 0.99

00:43:41.000 The Hurt Locker.

00:43:41.000 And I was just like, what is this?

00:43:42.000 Going more than Avatar.

00:43:44.000 And that just hurts my soul.

00:43:45.000 I know, Joe, you like the Hurt Lager, but it hurts me.

00:43:49.000 Why?

00:43:50.000 Because the special effects didn't win the prizes? 0.99

00:43:51.000 It was just a boring-ass fucking movie, and I just can't understand why everyone thinks it's the next awesome thing. 0.99

00:43:57.000 What I understand is why people care if the movie they like or don't like wins some fucking award. 0.99

00:44:01.000 Well, because then there's a movie like Avatar that's just something brand new. 0.95

00:44:04.000 I've never seen this before.

00:44:06.000 I've never experienced anything like this before.

00:44:09.000 Brian, did you get Avatar Depression when you found out it wasn't real?

00:44:12.000 No.

00:44:13.000 No, but there's a whole thing with that.

00:44:15.000 People miss that world because it's like a form of depression.

00:44:18.000 No, no, no.

00:44:18.000 I've only seen it once, mister.

00:44:20.000 You saw it three times.

00:44:21.000 I've seen it once.

00:44:21.000 I saw it three times?

00:44:23.000 I'm just saying.

00:44:25.000 You and I saw it together, right?

00:44:27.000 Yeah.

00:44:29.000 It's fun, man.

00:44:30.000 It was a fun-ass movie. 0.99

00:44:31.000 That was like a goddamn comic book. 1.00

00:44:33.000 Like, going to see a comic book. 1.00

00:44:35.000 Everybody's like, oh, man.

00:44:36.000 It's just like the Pocahontas. 1.00

00:44:37.000 Shut up. 1.00

00:44:38.000 Shut the fuck up. 1.00

00:44:39.000 I don't care. 1.00

00:44:40.000 I like stories that wrap up nice and neat. 0.99

00:44:43.000 Whenever people say the shit story, I was like, no, no, you're right. 0.99

00:44:45.000 When they pointed out details. 0.99

00:44:46.000 But yeah, that took me out of it a little bit.

00:44:48.000 Whatever, it's fine.

00:44:49.000 It's still great.

00:44:49.000 I think the reason I care is because it seems like, okay, you saw the same movie I saw, and yet you think that was enough to be amazing, to win the best award.

00:44:58.000 So you're disappointed in so much people?

00:44:59.000 So it's weird, because I think I'm on a brave, like a wavelength with people's intelligence and how they're thinking, and that just blows it out of the water.

00:45:06.000 Like, there was a million movies better than Hurt Locker, I think.

00:45:09.000 I liked the Hurt Locker, man.

00:45:10.000 I thought it was pretty good.

00:45:11.000 Best movie of the year?

00:45:11.000 You know what I didn't like?

00:45:12.000 No, no.

00:45:13.000 I thought it was a unique movie.

00:45:14.000 I thought it was...

00:45:15.000 I don't...

00:45:16.000 You know, I think probably because of the fact that we're in the middle of this unpopular war, and it was a very controversial film.

00:45:20.000 They made a point!

00:45:21.000 It was actually art!

00:45:22.000 They made a point!

00:45:23.000 I think so, too.

00:45:24.000 Pointless war, you know?

00:45:25.000 But, you know, I think...

00:45:27.000 There's no resolution.

00:45:28.000 That's one of the reasons why it got extra special treatment.

00:45:31.000 I mean, I think if this was done during...

00:45:32.000 Well, who knows?

00:45:33.000 It could be done during a year where there's no war.

00:45:35.000 We reflect on how we don't have war anymore.

00:45:37.000 Yeah, they've been in war movies all the time, but...

00:45:39.000 I thought it was pretty good, man.

00:45:40.000 I really liked it.

00:45:41.000 I watched it, granted, while being held captive on a plane.

00:45:44.000 You know, I couldn't go anywhere.

00:45:45.000 I was in my seat.

00:45:46.000 I couldn't go anywhere.

00:45:46.000 And so, I enjoyed it.

00:45:48.000 I was actually looking forward to it, because I heard a lot of people say good things about it, and I thought it was pretty good.

00:45:52.000 It was interesting.

00:45:53.000 I didn't know too much about it, so that was good.

00:45:55.000 I didn't know any spoilers.

00:45:57.000 It captivated me the whole way.

00:45:58.000 That movie took place four years ago, alright?

00:46:01.000 The scene of that movie.

00:46:02.000 But yet, at the beginning of it, he's playing Xbox 360. I heard that last night.

00:46:12.000 Oh, you fucking cat! 1.00

00:46:15.000 My first commercial I did with that guy, Jeremy Renner. 1.00

00:46:18.000 What's that?

00:46:19.000 The story that was in my first commercial.

00:46:20.000 Oh, really?

00:46:21.000 Well, that's interesting, man.

00:46:24.000 So, did you read about this online or did you figure it out yourself?

00:46:26.000 Easter egg?

00:46:27.000 No, the Xbox 360. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:46:29.000 I'm a movie nerd like that.

00:46:31.000 I like reading mistakes that people do.

00:46:33.000 Did it say the date of the movie?

00:46:37.000 I guess so, yeah.

00:46:38.000 It was on Kotaku or something like that yesterday.

00:46:39.000 I thought it was great.

00:46:40.000 Did you see it?

00:46:41.000 It was great.

00:46:41.000 You thought it was great, too?

00:46:42.000 Yeah. 1.00

00:46:43.000 What the fuck, Art? 1.00

00:46:44.000 So you guys didn't sit there and go, wow, I just watched one really slow mission. 1.00

00:46:48.000 Yes, there was that.

00:46:49.000 I would have liked a little more crazy action. 0.99

00:46:51.000 Yeah, but you never knew what the fuck was happening. 0.97

00:46:55.000 It wouldn't be exciting if you saw it two times. 0.99

00:46:57.000 But the first time, you did not fucking know that guy was not going to blow up. 0.97

00:47:00.000 And it was very scary. 0.98

00:47:01.000 There was a part in the beginning of the movie when that guy blows up.

00:47:04.000 Spoilers. 0.99

00:47:04.000 There's a lot of shit that's happening. 0.99

00:47:05.000 See, I never felt the tension, I guess. 0.99

00:47:07.000 You didn't feel the tension?

00:47:08.000 I understand what you're saying.

00:47:09.000 When they all got sniped on?

00:47:10.000 You didn't feel the tension?

00:47:11.000 No, it didn't work on me.

00:47:12.000 Those dudes next to them were getting jacked?

00:47:13.000 I understand what you're saying.

00:47:14.000 There were a couple times when you did feel the tension.

00:47:16.000 But a lot of it was slow. 0.99

00:47:17.000 It was fucking slow. 0.98

00:47:18.000 I understand that. 0.98

00:47:18.000 The tension parts, I guess, didn't work. 0.98

00:47:20.000 They failed on the tension for me, I guess.

00:47:22.000 Well, in your eyes...

00:47:23.000 I wasn't stoned.

00:47:24.000 In my eyes, they succeeded.

00:47:25.000 You don't have to be.

00:47:26.000 I wasn't either, man.

00:47:27.000 Maybe I was too sober.

00:47:28.000 I was totally sober.

00:47:29.000 I was in bed going, oh my god.

00:47:31.000 I mean, I was at the movie theater.

00:47:36.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:47:37.000 Yeah, the movie theater.

00:47:38.000 I mean, I didn't download or anything.

00:47:40.000 Maybe that's the problem, man. 0.99

00:47:42.000 Getting the shit copy. 0.99

00:47:43.000 It was at Blu-ray pop, Rick. 0.99

00:47:45.000 I mean, it was at the IMAX theater in 3D. What the fuck, Brian? 1.00

00:47:49.000 Wouldn't it be great if RIA busted down your doors right now and took you out of here? 1.00

00:47:54.000 Yeah, you don't have anything illegal.

00:47:56.000 No, just everything.

00:48:00.000 Gigs are gigs.

00:48:01.000 What do you think about that, man? 0.98

00:48:02.000 We're getting really close to the point where you can just download shit and put it directly on your TV in super high quality in real time. 0.98

00:48:09.000 We're there. 0.98

00:48:10.000 I've heard about it.

00:48:12.000 People doing it easily with Mac Minis and stuff like that.

00:48:15.000 How are they going to make money with movies? 0.99

00:48:17.000 I don't fucking care. 0.97

00:48:18.000 People are still going to the movies, right? 0.99

00:48:20.000 Sure, I don't care.

00:48:20.000 Yeah.

00:48:21.000 It'd be nice if everyone else doesn't accept me.

00:48:23.000 People said that in movies.

00:48:24.000 Yeah.

00:48:25.000 It's a nice experience, too.

00:48:26.000 There's like a big argument against it.

00:48:28.000 Was there any copies of Avatar online anywhere?

00:48:31.000 Yeah, but a lot of people still want to see that.

00:48:33.000 That's the whole thing. 0.96

00:48:34.000 I mean, there's movies that you will download, like stupid comedies, and you're just like, I'm not paying to see that. 0.99

00:48:38.000 I'll fucking download that. 0.99

00:48:39.000 Dude, Sony has a new TV coming out. 0.98

00:48:42.000 It's a 3D TV that I tried out at the mall.

00:48:44.000 It comes out this summer. 0.99

00:48:45.000 Dude, it's fucking crazy. 0.97

00:48:48.000 You put goggles on, they have a battery. 0.99

00:48:50.000 You press a button, and these guys are playing soccer, and the ball is just fucking... 0.96

00:48:55.000 My TV does that right now. 0.90

00:48:58.000 My TV does that right now.

00:49:01.000 It's capable of Samsung.

00:49:03.000 You hook up a computer to it and it renders anything in 3D into the good 3D just like that.

00:49:08.000 So when Navidad comes out on 3D, you can do that to it? 0.92

00:49:10.000 If I wanted to, but I'm not going to buy those goggles and shit like that.

00:49:15.000 So how much programming is it? 0.68

00:49:16.000 If you watch The Office, is that coming in 3D? That's a good question.

00:49:19.000 I don't know.

00:49:20.000 That would be crazy.

00:49:21.000 I don't think the 3D is going to catch on.

00:49:23.000 Why not?

00:49:24.000 Because you know how many people, you might think it's cool, but you know how many people are like, you know what, I'm going to buy a whole new TV just so I can have this 3D. Especially after they just made us all buy new ones anyway.

00:49:34.000 Look, HDTV took a long time.

00:49:35.000 Blu-ray's barely still kept holding on.

00:49:37.000 That's true.

00:49:38.000 That's true because regular TV still looks pretty fucking badass and people go, how much better is it really? 0.53

00:49:42.000 You really need to pay $35 instead of $20? 0.69

00:49:45.000 No, in this economy, you pay $20 and you get the regular one. 1.00

00:49:47.000 Why don't you give a shit? 0.99

00:49:48.000 And honestly, 3D to me, man, even when I go to the IMAX movie theaters, I'm still kind of like, you know what, I don't know if I like this yet. 0.99

00:49:56.000 It's kind of cool, but... 1.00

00:49:57.000 You need to just go ahead and suck some cock. 1.00

00:50:00.000 Just go do it. 1.00

00:50:01.000 Just go run to San Francisco.

00:50:03.000 It's getting better and better. 0.99

00:50:04.000 Run to wherever the hardest cock you think is going to be awaiting. 0.99

00:50:07.000 It's getting better and better and better, but you're still... 0.99

00:50:09.000 I feel like you're looking through something.

00:50:12.000 It still hasn't gotten to the point where I'm like, I'm in a 3D world.

00:50:15.000 I completely disagree.

00:50:16.000 I go to that movie theater and it doesn't feel perfect, but I put those glasses on and I watch those dudes in Avatar floating inside that room. 0.98

00:50:23.000 I was like, holy shit, this is awesome! 0.90

00:50:25.000 That movie is an event. 0.99

00:50:27.000 It's not just a movie. 0.99

00:50:28.000 It's not just you go and you watch a bunch of shit happen. 1.00

00:50:30.000 The thing that's great about Avatar, it's like a goddamn comic book ride. 0.99

00:50:34.000 It's like a ride, like a super ride at Universal CityWalk. 0.98

00:50:38.000 That's one of the things I said about it.

00:50:39.000 The acting is kind of clunky.

00:50:41.000 Sigourney Weaver sounds like she's mailing it in a bunch of times.

00:50:44.000 She gave it up. 0.99

00:50:45.000 Yeah, she gave the fuck up. 1.00

00:50:46.000 Like, come on, guys! 0.98

00:50:48.000 Are we serious here?

00:50:49.000 Where's my cigarette?

00:50:50.000 It's like, whoa!

00:50:51.000 It seemed like the kind of acting that you see in those rides at Universal CityWalk.

00:50:56.000 Like, right before you go on the ride, they make you watch some Back to the Future clip where they explain what happened.

00:51:01.000 We're in a bad situation, guys.

00:51:02.000 We've got to get through the tunnel quickly before the nuclear bomb explodes.

00:51:06.000 There's not much time.

00:51:07.000 Please, in an orderly fashion, hurry up and get into your chair.

00:51:10.000 My popcorn!

00:51:11.000 Yeah, exactly.

00:51:13.000 Okay, but tell me it wasn't lame when they said, when all the other armies came out to fight them, and people were like, oh, we got all the other armies to come out.

00:51:20.000 And you're like, what?

00:51:21.000 Where were they the whole time?

00:51:22.000 I didn't even hear about them.

00:51:23.000 They're right over there!

00:51:24.000 What?

00:51:25.000 The Na'vi. 0.92

00:51:27.000 Why don't you just get them earlier?

00:51:28.000 Yeah, what are you guys doing?

00:51:30.000 In order for it to really work, all these places that bought their HD cameras now have to buy 3D cameras.

00:51:38.000 All these shows have to be filmed a different way.

00:51:41.000 Right, but that's going to happen, Brian, because they used to have to do black and white.

00:51:43.000 That's what they did.

00:51:44.000 They did black and white.

00:51:45.000 They went from black and white to color.

00:51:46.000 They went from color to HD. They're going to go.

00:51:48.000 Why wouldn't it have happened already?

00:51:51.000 Because it's all technology that's advancing.

00:51:54.000 I bet before it's 3D they're going to skip to the next technology.

00:51:58.000 It's never been that interesting.

00:51:59.000 During the black and white, early color years of television, when you first saw 3D, you probably thought, this is a breakthrough.

00:52:05.000 You're talking to someone who saw Jaws 3D in a theater.

00:52:08.000 You guys should have. 1.00

00:52:09.000 Fucking boring as shit. 1.00

00:52:11.000 It's dumb. 1.00

00:52:12.000 It's still sweet. 0.99

00:52:12.000 When that shark comes at you like... 0.99

00:52:14.000 It's so dumb. 0.98

00:52:16.000 But back then you also thought video games were like this that were like amazing. 0.99

00:52:20.000 Right.

00:52:20.000 Well that's why things improve and technology advances and that's why 3D has finally come into its own.

00:52:24.000 I just think that 3D would have been popular It wasn't good.

00:52:27.000 There's no way you guys are going to settle this.

00:52:29.000 Do you think this new 3D movie is going to catch on in the 3D? I think eventually it's the future.

00:52:33.000 For sure.

00:52:34.000 Movies are way more exciting when they're in 3D. Way more interesting.

00:52:37.000 It's more layered.

00:52:37.000 I heard Alice in Wonderland.

00:52:39.000 It's the shit. 1.00

00:52:40.000 I heard the visuals are incredible. 1.00

00:52:42.000 That's wrong.

00:52:43.000 Did you read the article on Engadget?

00:52:45.000 No.

00:52:45.000 This guy totally puts a detailed review of why it sucks in 3D and makes so much sense.

00:52:50.000 Like the director used layers in the movie in certain ways to give an effect Of depth.

00:52:56.000 Right.

00:52:57.000 And then 3D comes in there and changes what he was doing and it supposedly just does not work.

00:53:02.000 Oh, really?

00:53:03.000 Yeah.

00:53:04.000 So it would be cooler if you saw it in 2D. Yeah, exactly.

00:53:07.000 That's what he said.

00:53:07.000 He said it wasn't filmed for 3D. And that's what I'm saying.

00:53:10.000 Oh, but Avatar was.

00:53:11.000 Avatar was filmed for 3D. No way.

00:53:13.000 No way Tim Burton does not know his film is being filmed for 3D. No, no, no.

00:53:16.000 Dude, he did not film it for a 3D movie.

00:53:19.000 That's what I'm trying to say.

00:53:20.000 Avatar was filmed So his movie, they filmed it as a 2D movie, and they encoded it for 3D. Right.

00:53:26.000 Oh, I don't know, man.

00:53:28.000 I'd have to see it.

00:53:29.000 See, that's what I'm saying. 0.97

00:53:30.000 All this shit would have to be filmed in 3D, and it's going to take a lot of people to go, really, do we want to spend this whole movie being a 3D movie? 0.98

00:53:38.000 You know, like Jaws 3D. They had to go back. 0.98

00:53:39.000 Dude, you're crazy. 1.00

00:53:40.000 Listen to me, dummy. 0.99

00:53:41.000 They're going to do it for every single gigantic explosive action movie.

00:53:44.000 It would make sense.

00:53:45.000 It's going to make them much more exciting.

00:53:46.000 It would make sense.

00:53:47.000 It's going to be way cooler.

00:53:47.000 Every monster movie, everything with aliens.

00:53:49.000 Don't they work way more in 2D than in 3D? Don't they make way more in 2D than in 3D in ticket sales?

00:53:55.000 Oh, no.

00:53:55.000 Because they do both at the same time.

00:53:57.000 Yeah, but you do both at the same time.

00:54:00.000 And also the 3D hypes up the sales of the 2D. They had to re-release Jaws 3 in non-3D because it didn't do so.

00:54:07.000 Because it was fucking terrible. 0.99

00:54:09.000 That fucking thing came out like... 1.00

00:54:11.000 It was like, there's only like one effect too. 1.00

00:54:14.000 It was so dumb. 0.99

00:54:16.000 It was like one effect, the shark coming at you. 1.00

00:54:18.000 It was like such a stupid ass movement. 1.00

00:54:20.000 You're like, we're not in the ocean. 1.00

00:54:21.000 We get it.

00:54:22.000 I just think the 3D is going to be fail.

00:54:23.000 That's my bet.

00:54:25.000 You what?

00:54:25.000 I think 3D is going to be fail.

00:54:27.000 And what do you think it's going to be going to skip to then?

00:54:28.000 What's next?

00:54:29.000 Like more better than that.

00:54:32.000 Kind of like a projection hologram in your house.

00:54:35.000 Dude, I think that's coming too.

00:54:38.000 I think you're right. 0.99

00:54:39.000 But I think until that does come, this is pretty fucking sick. 0.95

00:54:41.000 Actually, you know what I think is going to come more? 0.97

00:54:43.000 You know what I think is going to come more?

00:54:44.000 Where wall, like paper LCD technology, where this whole wall is going to be like computer, large size.

00:54:50.000 This screen.

00:54:51.000 I bet we'll see that in our lifetime.

00:54:53.000 Call mom on this screen.

00:54:54.000 Do you think it'll ever get to a point where everything is controlled by your voice?

00:54:58.000 Absolutely.

00:54:59.000 But what about if you don't want to talk?

00:55:00.000 What if it's late at night?

00:55:01.000 Mic off.

00:55:03.000 Password.

00:55:04.000 Mic on.

00:55:05.000 Password.

00:55:06.000 XXX. Hmm.

00:55:08.000 But you would have another interface, like keyboard or something?

00:55:10.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:55:11.000 You just go up to the wall and go, keyboard!

00:55:13.000 Will keyboards always be here, or do you think the voice recognition will get so good that it'll be irrelevant?

00:55:17.000 I think eventually it will get so good.

00:55:20.000 Do you use voice technology at all?

00:55:22.000 Do you ever use that sound?

00:55:22.000 I used it briefly on my Android, and it was amazing.

00:55:27.000 It was way better than I've ever used it ever.

00:55:29.000 It was perfect.

00:55:30.000 That's why I keep hearing about that, because it's okay with some things.

00:55:33.000 It's okay with BlackBerry.

00:55:35.000 Like BlackBerry, you could say, like, call Brian, and it'll call you.

00:55:38.000 You know, it's pretty good about that.

00:55:39.000 Yeah.

00:55:39.000 Which number?

00:55:40.000 Cell.

00:55:41.000 Right.

00:55:41.000 Calling.

00:55:42.000 Yeah, it's bad in my car.

00:55:44.000 In your senior car, it works well.

00:55:45.000 Yeah.

00:55:46.000 It's bad in my car.

00:55:47.000 I have the Ford Edge.

00:55:48.000 The Ford doesn't work like that?

00:55:49.000 Yeah, and it's like, call Joe.

00:55:52.000 A what?

00:55:52.000 Number?

00:55:53.000 Calling Sally?

00:55:54.000 Calling Sally!

00:55:56.000 Calling grandma.

00:55:57.000 Yeah, sometimes it's completely off.

00:55:59.000 But I think that's also the noise of the road.

00:56:01.000 That's why I like, instead of the, you know, that when you're doing it in a car, it's a speakerphone.

00:56:06.000 It's like talking, it's not crisp.

00:56:07.000 So what I always do is, I always do it straight from the phone.

00:56:10.000 You're talking right into that little tiny mic.

00:56:12.000 It's pretty direct.

00:56:13.000 Seems pretty accurate.

00:56:15.000 Enough.

00:56:16.000 It beats having to press buttons.

00:56:18.000 I don't want to press buttons when I'm driving.

00:56:20.000 It's all gone through the Bluetooth.

00:56:22.000 That's one of the coolest things ever.

00:56:23.000 You can drive in your car and talk to people on the phone with both hands on the steering wheel.

00:56:29.000 That's just nuts.

00:56:30.000 Did you hear about this company overseas?

00:56:32.000 It's releasing the first jetpack that you can buy.

00:56:35.000 There's going to be about 500 of them being made.

00:56:38.000 Oh my god, dude.

00:56:38.000 And they're going for about 70,000 each.

00:56:41.000 Whoa.

00:56:41.000 So I don't have to go above 30 feet, but I'm going to 200. Fuck it.

00:56:44.000 They last 30 minutes, I believe. 1.00

00:56:46.000 Oh my god.

00:56:47.000 That's awesome.

00:56:48.000 Yeah.

00:56:49.000 That's a long time.

00:56:50.000 30 minutes, you'd be bored already.

00:56:51.000 You'd have to set your alarm. 1.00

00:56:53.000 Fuck that. 1.00

00:56:54.000 Toyota can't even get their shit together. 1.00

00:56:56.000 Yeah, but dude, what if you have a jetpack and you only go... 0.99

00:56:58.000 Five feet off the ground. 0.98

00:57:00.000 Just keep fucking whooping around. 0.99

00:57:01.000 But what if it freaks out and goes 500 feet in the ground and you're stuck up in the air? 0.99

00:57:06.000 You'd have to have some sort of a parachute, right?

00:57:09.000 Yeah.

00:57:09.000 You'd have to be able to cut the jetpack off too because it'd be extra weight.

00:57:11.000 Imagine if you dropped on someone's fucking head. 1.00

00:57:14.000 No, you wouldn't be able to cut it off. 1.00

00:57:15.000 They wouldn't let you.

00:57:16.000 They wouldn't let you?

00:57:16.000 Yeah, because you're doing that.

00:57:17.000 I'll bring you a knife, motherfucker. 1.00

00:57:18.000 I planned out. 1.00

00:57:19.000 Did you see how many Toyotas were recalled in Japan?

00:57:21.000 Did you hear one last night in San Diego?

00:57:23.000 Did you hear about it?

00:57:23.000 Another accident?

00:57:24.000 The guy couldn't stop and the police cop got to the side of him and was like using his PSA. Hit the power button!

00:57:30.000 And the guy kept on hitting the power button.

00:57:31.000 When it worked, he was standing on the brake, he said, just like, full black.

00:57:34.000 He should go in and do it.

00:57:36.000 Why didn't he put his transmission in?

00:57:37.000 I don't understand it, but I think it has something to do where it just won't let you do anything.

00:57:42.000 And then the cop had to get in front of him, I guess, and, like, so, you know, to kind of break his car.

00:57:47.000 Oh, my God.

00:57:48.000 I'm guessing.

00:57:48.000 Wow.

00:57:49.000 That's one of the good things about a standard clutch.

00:57:51.000 You know, you can always put it in yourself.

00:57:53.000 Slow it down that way.

00:57:54.000 Well, if it was standard, even if it was manual transmission, you could always put it into zero, into neutral.

00:57:58.000 And the emergency brake doesn't work?

00:58:00.000 Yeah, I don't get how it...

00:58:01.000 Well, maybe the computer wouldn't let the transmission switch gears.

00:58:04.000 No emergency brake?

00:58:05.000 Emergency brake doesn't really work.

00:58:06.000 This was on a Prius.

00:58:07.000 Emergency brake is really a parking brake.

00:58:08.000 Parking brake, you're right.

00:58:10.000 But you would have to definitely put that on. 0.99

00:58:12.000 Oh, fuck, you would have to try. 0.99

00:58:14.000 He was standing on his brake, too. 0.99

00:58:16.000 George Lucas says that he's found things that are wrong with the Prius, and he says it's a software issue that he can duplicate.

00:58:22.000 Yeah.

00:58:22.000 They still deny it, though.

00:58:24.000 They still deny it, though.

00:58:24.000 Listen, George, not George Lucas, George Wozniak.

00:58:28.000 What's his name?

00:58:29.000 Steve Wozniak.

00:58:30.000 Steve Wozniak.

00:58:30.000 With George Lucas.

00:58:32.000 Fat, old, rich guys. 0.98

00:58:33.000 I lump them all together. 0.98

00:58:34.000 How does who know?

00:58:36.000 Kenny Rogers.

00:58:37.000 Kenny Rogers.

00:58:38.000 How funny is that?

00:58:39.000 Anyway, Steve Wozniak, who's one of the super geniuses who founded Apple, he has a Prius, and he said that there's an issue with the accelerator, and he can replicate it.

00:58:48.000 He can do like a specific number of things, you know, you hit the blinker, do this, do that, and it'll happen.

00:58:53.000 And he said he can do it safely, and he shows them how to do it.

00:58:56.000 He says, this is a software issue. 0.99

00:58:57.000 That's what's so scary about these fucking computer-controlled cars, man. 1.00

00:59:01.000 Computers crash. 1.00

00:59:02.000 There's some beauty in an old Mustang. 1.00

00:59:05.000 You turn the fucking key. 1.00

00:59:07.000 The ignition fires up. 1.00

00:59:09.000 Boom! 1.00

00:59:10.000 The fucking tack is there. 1.00

00:59:11.000 The speedometer is there. 1.00

00:59:13.000 You smell the fucking gasoline. 1.00

00:59:15.000 You know what I'm saying? 1.00

00:59:16.000 There's nothing helping you out, stupid. 1.00

00:59:18.000 You got drum brakes. 1.00

00:59:19.000 Okay, those brakes suck dick. 1.00

00:59:21.000 They're terrible. 1.00

00:59:22.000 They don't slow you down.

00:59:23.000 They barely work. 0.99

00:59:25.000 You got 350, 375 fucking American horsepower from a high-torque V8. A nasty sound of the exhaust. 0.99

00:59:33.000 You just drive.

00:59:37.000 Stick shift, four on the floor.

00:59:40.000 Everything that got more advanced, the more advanced it gets, the more you're taking chances. 1.00

00:59:44.000 When you go to fucking software, that shit would just break on you. 1.00

00:59:48.000 My braces would go so bad when I was in high school and didn't have money to fix them. 1.00

00:59:51.000 It would be an adventure just stopping.

00:59:53.000 From 30 miles an hour, you're like, oh, please, please, no, no!

00:59:56.000 And just eventually, right in front of the car in front of you, stop, be like, oh, God, all right, good. 0.99

01:00:00.000 Isn't it amazing when you were allowed to drive when you were young how fucking dumb you were and you could still drive? 0.99

01:00:05.000 Driving it should be 30. A destroyer, a giant machine that could kill people. 1.00

01:00:10.000 And you're 16, you're allowed to fucking hammer around on it. 1.00

01:00:13.000 It's so crazy. 0.99

01:00:14.000 Yeah, it's amazing that we're all alive.

01:00:16.000 God!

01:00:17.000 I got a ton of accidents when I was young.

01:00:19.000 I drove like a retard. 1.00

01:00:22.000 These cars could not do what I wanted them to do. 1.00

01:00:26.000 They were just hitting trees and shit. 0.99

01:00:29.000 When I was 16, I was just way too wild to get a driver's license. 0.99

01:00:33.000 There's no way that should have been legal. 0.98

01:00:35.000 I should have been riding the bus, getting my shit together for at least another two years.

01:00:38.000 By the time I was 18, I had mellowed out. 0.97

01:00:41.000 Gotten used to the fact that I was driving around.

01:00:43.000 Then I was safe. 1.00

01:00:45.000 Between 16 and 18, that shit should have been terrible. 1.00

01:00:46.000 Yeah, there's no way. 1.00

01:00:48.000 Yeah, drive as fast as you possibly can for like 30 yards. 0.99

01:00:52.000 Yeah, retard. 1.00

01:00:53.000 Yeah, just no reason. 0.99

01:00:55.000 Cutting people off.

01:00:58.000 Running reds. 1.00

01:01:00.000 It's scary shit, man. 1.00

01:01:02.000 It's scary shit. 1.00

01:01:03.000 All the different automated things that are going on today. 0.99

01:01:06.000 So many different things are automated, you know?

01:01:09.000 What scares the shit out of me is these drones that they use overseas.

01:01:12.000 You know, they have these drones that fly above Pakistan. 0.83

01:01:16.000 And launch missiles down.

01:01:18.000 Because we're not at war.

01:01:19.000 We're not in Pakistan. 0.70

01:01:21.000 But there's like, you know, Taliban and Jews that are in Pakistan. 1.00

01:01:24.000 So we want to fuck them up. 1.00

01:01:26.000 So we send these robots in space. 1.00

01:01:29.000 I mean, this is like fucking... 0.99

01:01:31.000 This is really like science fiction. 0.99

01:01:33.000 We send these flying robots that we remotely control from a base somewhere, and these dudes are literally using Xbox controllers.

01:01:39.000 Because these kids are so used to playing Xbox, they know those computers so well, they just program the software to control the drones to use that same device. 0.77

01:01:47.000 So they got a fucking Xbox controller, and they're controlling the drones. 0.96

01:01:50.000 Yeah, what if your controller goes out? 0.99

01:01:52.000 Well, anything can happen.

01:01:53.000 Anything can happen.

01:01:54.000 It just drops over somebody's house?

01:01:55.000 Yeah.

01:01:56.000 Well, people have died.

01:01:57.000 A bunch of people have died.

01:01:58.000 A lot of civilian casualties.

01:02:00.000 Really?

01:02:00.000 A lot.

01:02:00.000 Yeah.

01:02:01.000 These drones, I mean... 0.99

01:02:02.000 They're very effective, but shit man, you're launching missiles from the sky. 1.00

01:02:06.000 Who the fuck knows? 1.00

01:02:07.000 American civilians? 0.99

01:02:08.000 No.

01:02:11.000 No.

01:02:12.000 These poor Afghanistan people, they're getting jacked left and right. 1.00

01:02:15.000 I mean, in Pakistan as well.

01:02:17.000 It's a scary thing, man.

01:02:19.000 They fire something called Hellfire missiles.

01:02:22.000 Imagine that?

01:02:23.000 That's what they named them.

01:02:24.000 Hellfire.

01:02:24.000 Jesus Christ.

01:02:26.000 You know, not like Freedom Maker or something like that, you know?

01:02:30.000 Just pure death.

01:02:31.000 Yeah.

01:02:31.000 Death with a bad afterlife.

01:02:33.000 Yeah, not like, you know, not like the strong arm of peace.

01:02:36.000 No.

01:02:36.000 Coming from below.

01:02:37.000 Hellfire missiles.

01:02:38.000 To claim you. 1.00

01:02:39.000 Motherfucker. 1.00

01:02:40.000 Hellfire? 1.00

01:02:41.000 That doesn't make you feel good.

01:02:44.000 The whole idea of the whole war is so crazy. 0.99

01:02:46.000 What's really crazy is that the CIA had the president of Afghanistan's brother on his fucking payroll. 0.99

01:02:54.000 Really? 0.99

01:02:55.000 Yeah, and this guy is like deep in the poppy business.

01:02:58.000 The CIA was paying him.

01:02:59.000 It was just recently revealed that the CIA has been paying him for a long time. 0.99

01:03:04.000 He was on the CIA fucking payroll. 0.98

01:03:06.000 He's the brother of the president in Afghanistan, and he's in the poppy business. 1.00

01:03:11.000 I mean, the whole thing is crazy.

01:03:12.000 That's 90-something percent of the world's heroin.

01:03:15.000 All comes from Afghanistan. 0.95

01:03:17.000 90-something percent. 1.00

01:03:19.000 Garant fucking T. Some evil motherfucker in some high lofty position, you know, I don't want to name the organization because who the fuck knows who's really bringing it in. 1.00

01:03:29.000 I mean, if it even has a name. 1.00

01:03:31.000 Those guys are profiting off that shit. 1.00

01:03:32.000 Make money off it. 1.00

01:03:34.000 Distributors.

01:03:34.000 For sure.

01:03:35.000 It's been proven many, many times.

01:03:37.000 You know, there's a plane that the CIA had, we talked about this before on the show, this plane had crashed in Mexico with four tons of cocaine in it.

01:03:45.000 And it was a jet that had been to Guantanamo Bay twice.

01:03:47.000 It was a CIA jet. 1.00

01:03:49.000 This fucking jet had been to Guantanamo Bay on two separate occasions and this fucking thing was flying cocaine into the United States and crashed into Mexico. 1.00

01:03:58.000 Four tons of coke, man. 1.00

01:04:01.000 So many different stories.

01:04:03.000 If you want to look at any of this stuff online, look up that plane that crashed.

01:04:08.000 Then look up the story of Barry Seals.

01:04:10.000 Barry Seals was a guy who was a drug runner.

01:04:14.000 He would fly drugs in from South America to the United States and drop them off in Mena, Arkansas in a little plane.

01:04:20.000 And he would drop a parachute.

01:04:21.000 Well, these two kids saw the drop-off one day and they caught the kids because they didn't want the kids telling.

01:04:26.000 They killed them.

01:04:27.000 And their parents found out that it was a murder because the cops had said that they found these kids on the train tracks.

01:04:33.000 Apparently they placed their bodies on the train tracks.

01:04:36.000 And they said, oh, they got stoned and they laid out on the train tracks.

01:04:40.000 And the parents did autopsies.

01:04:43.000 They found knife wounds.

01:04:46.000 The kids had been stabbed.

01:04:47.000 So they stabbed these kids and killed them, and then they laid them on the tracks.

01:04:50.000 And so then, it became this gigantic investigation, who was flying, blah, blah, blah.

01:04:55.000 They get a hold of this guy, Barry Seals, and Barry Seals totally spills the beans. 0.97

01:04:59.000 Tells the whole story, all the different shit that he did. 0.99

01:05:01.000 And he's ready to testify, goes to court, and they fucking assassinate him, literally on his way to court. 0.99

01:05:06.000 So this dude's on his way to court. 0.97

01:05:07.000 He's got George Bush's phone number in his pocket at the time.

01:05:11.000 And he gets murdered in his car on the way to talk about it.

01:05:14.000 And this was a guy that was an employee of the CIA. And there's not just those.

01:05:18.000 There's a bunch of them.

01:05:19.000 Michael Rupert is a guy who wrote a book about it.

01:05:22.000 He was an LAPD detective.

01:05:24.000 Something in LAPD. I don't know what he was.

01:05:26.000 But he busted the CIA selling drugs.

01:05:29.000 And he was told to back off the case. 0.99

01:05:32.000 And he's like, this is fucking insane. 0.98

01:05:34.000 And he's written books about it. 0.97

01:05:36.000 He's got this website fromthewilderness.com, I believe it is.

01:05:39.000 You know, it's all detailing all the different corruption. 0.99

01:05:42.000 And they're doing it right in front of everybody's fucking face. 0.99

01:05:44.000 That's the crazy thing. 1.00

01:05:45.000 I mean, think about how much goddamn cocaine is in this country. 1.00

01:05:48.000 It's not all coming in because of retarded criminals. 1.00

01:05:51.000 Because most people that are smuggling cocaine... 0.97

01:05:53.000 Those are huge organizations and stuff?

01:05:54.000 Yeah.

01:05:54.000 That's what you're saying?

01:05:55.000 It's the government.

01:05:56.000 The government has something to do with it, for sure.

01:05:58.000 Someone and some...

01:06:00.000 Some aspect.

01:06:01.000 Why wouldn't they? 1.00

01:06:02.000 If these people want to do drugs, you know, what the fuck? 0.99

01:06:06.000 Who's making money off the drugs? 0.99

01:06:07.000 They probably feel like, look, the bad guy's going to make money off the drugs anyway.

01:06:10.000 Let's just cut them out.

01:06:11.000 We'll take the money. 1.00

01:06:12.000 Fuck it. 1.00

01:06:12.000 Drugs are going to be out there no matter what you do. 1.00

01:06:14.000 And it's all like a nice little cycle because the more people get arrested for those drugs, the more these private prison companies and companies that own these gigantic prisons, the more they're happy because more people are in their prisons, and the more people are in private prisons, the more profit they make. 0.99

01:06:28.000 So they support all this shit. 0.97

01:06:29.000 So they actually support drugs being illegal. 1.00

01:06:31.000 They want them to be illegal.

01:06:33.000 They push for it. 1.00

01:06:34.000 It's fucking crazy. 1.00

01:06:35.000 The whole big package is fucking crazy. 0.99

01:06:38.000 And the idea that the government is behind it all, that there's evidence of it, just makes the whole thing mind-blowing. 0.99

01:06:43.000 It's just so nuts.

01:06:44.000 The fact that the DEA, you know, is like in cahoots with the CIA, and it's all like a big game at the very top. 0.99

01:06:51.000 It's all horseshit. 0.87

01:06:52.000 It's all just profit and money. 1.00

01:06:54.000 How much fucking money must they be making? 0.99

01:06:58.000 There must be so much money in drugs. 1.00

01:07:00.000 Who gets the money?

01:07:01.000 I don't know.

01:07:02.000 That's a good question, right?

01:07:03.000 That's a good question.

01:07:04.000 How many people are involved?

01:07:05.000 And where does it go? 0.99

01:07:06.000 I mean, if the CIA, if someone in the CIA, someone in the organization really is selling drugs, is it just every now and then a rogue agent goes fucking nutty and cuts some deal with some fucking drug smug killer? 0.99

01:07:17.000 Or is it all the time? 0.98

01:07:18.000 Do you think it's all the time?

01:07:19.000 That's how it gets in the country.

01:07:21.000 Yeah, I mean, how many times has it happened, though?

01:07:24.000 I mean, how much cocaine do we have already here?

01:07:25.000 How long does cocaine last?

01:07:27.000 You know, if you bring in a whole gigantic, Ship full of it.

01:07:30.000 Where would you keep it?

01:07:32.000 How long does it take to get it on the street?

01:07:33.000 Someone's bringing it in. 1.00

01:07:34.000 It's not these morons. 1.00

01:07:35.000 It's not. 1.00

01:07:36.000 They'd be getting busted left and right. 1.00

01:07:37.000 People that are so crazy that they're willing to do something that insane, like smuggle a million dollars for their cocaine in the country, those people are crazy. 1.00

01:07:44.000 Those people get busted doing shit. 1.00

01:07:46.000 That's not like a rational person. 1.00

01:07:48.000 I think they optioned that part out.

01:07:50.000 Like they hired somebody to transport. 0.93

01:07:52.000 The more people you hired, the more people are going to kill you. 0.95

01:07:54.000 Yeah.

01:07:54.000 The more people you hire, the worse your idea is.

01:07:57.000 Because the more people that can get busted and wear a wire and put you in jail, it's very dangerous.

01:08:01.000 The smart move to do if you're doing something like that is to hire as few people as possible.

01:08:05.000 Take your own ship over somewhere.

01:08:06.000 You don't do it.

01:08:07.000 Yeah, that might be the way to do it.

01:08:08.000 Might be the way to do it.

01:08:09.000 You might have to bring your own ship. 1.00

01:08:11.000 No way some cartel guy transports a shit. 0.99

01:08:13.000 No, those guys don't do it. 0.99

01:08:14.000 They hire other guys to do it. 1.00

01:08:15.000 That's why they always live in these fucking gigantic compounds with 15 dogs and 80 guns. 0.99

01:08:20.000 You know? 1.00

01:08:21.000 Fucking nuts, man. 1.00

01:08:22.000 Imagine that life. 1.00

01:08:23.000 In Mexico, they're going crazy. 1.00

01:08:25.000 The Mexican drug war is just off the fucking chain. 1.00

01:08:28.000 When we talked to Victor about it, you know, the dude, Victor Davila, he just got out. 0.98

01:08:33.000 Our guy from the UFC who does Spanish commentary, he does my job, he just got out of Juarez.

01:08:39.000 He was living in Juarez.

01:08:41.000 That's what he says every time it's a knockout.

01:08:43.000 Does he?

01:08:44.000 He says Goal.

01:08:45.000 No he doesn't.

01:08:46.000 No he doesn't.

01:08:48.000 How dare you.

01:08:48.000 I thought he did.

01:08:50.000 Oh Ari, so mean. 1.00

01:08:51.000 I should have let that go.

01:08:52.000 That was my biggest regret.

01:08:54.000 You're not telling everyone now, you know, Victor says this.

01:08:57.000 That's hilarious because I thought he did.

01:08:58.000 I was like, wow, imagine if he did if that was his thing.

01:09:00.000 Because Michael Chevello, the guy who does the K1 commentary, he goes, the best Really?

01:09:05.000 He screams out of a big kibosh when a guy gets cracked. 0.78

01:09:08.000 Yeah.

01:09:08.000 That's funny.

01:09:09.000 Yeah, he's awesome.

01:09:10.000 He's hilarious.

01:09:11.000 More hooks than a pirate convention! 1.00

01:09:14.000 He says, like, crazy shit. 1.00

01:09:16.000 He's been mounted more times than Jenna Hayes! 1.00

01:09:18.000 Really?

01:09:19.000 Yeah, he says that.

01:09:20.000 Oh, yeah, yeah. 1.00

01:09:21.000 They don't fuck with him? 0.99

01:09:21.000 They let him just do whatever he wants? 0.99

01:09:22.000 No, they want it.

01:09:23.000 The people love it.

01:09:24.000 I think he's hilarious.

01:09:25.000 That would be fun to make this.

01:09:26.000 He's my favorite guy to listen to.

01:09:28.000 Get some Pinot.

01:09:29.000 He's a super cool dude, too, man.

01:09:31.000 We hung out with him in Canada, in Edmonton, and then we hung out with him and his girlfriend again in Australia.

01:09:38.000 Super cool dude.

01:09:39.000 Couldn't be nicer.

01:09:41.000 He's Australian, that's right.

01:09:42.000 More hooks than a pirate convention!

01:09:45.000 That's my favorite one.

01:09:46.000 A pirate convention!

01:09:50.000 My name is Man, I'm from Somalia.

01:09:54.000 A pirate convention. 0.99

01:09:55.000 How come we don't hear about the fucking Somalian pirates anymore? 1.00

01:09:57.000 We got bored of it. 1.00

01:09:58.000 They got canceled.

01:09:59.000 We got bored of it.

01:10:00.000 Those two people ever escaped?

01:10:01.000 Huh?

01:10:01.000 Those two people ever escaped?

01:10:03.000 Oh, the English couple's still fucked. 1.00

01:10:04.000 Oh, really? 1.00

01:10:05.000 Yeah, they still got those bitches locked up. 1.00

01:10:07.000 Wow. 1.00

01:10:07.000 Kidnapped them. 1.00

01:10:08.000 They want millions.

01:10:09.000 They know these guys are worth millions.

01:10:11.000 Who knows what they're doing to them, too? 1.00

01:10:13.000 They're probably fucking them. 0.88

01:10:14.000 They've been, they were surprisingly good about once you pay the money, they give you everything back safely. 0.99

01:10:18.000 Yeah, but what are they doing right now while these people aren't coughing up the money? 0.99

01:10:21.000 I bet they're fucking them. 0.99

01:10:22.000 They might. 1.00

01:10:23.000 Why not? 1.00

01:10:24.000 Why wouldn't they fuck them? 1.00

01:10:24.000 These pretty white people, silky smooth white skin, worth billions. 1.00

01:10:29.000 These guys are like super, super rich, right?

01:10:31.000 Are they?

01:10:31.000 Or are they just like regular folks?

01:10:34.000 No, I'm, they're not the people that, were they the people that were kidnapped on the yacht?

01:10:37.000 Yes.

01:10:38.000 Like, the guy and the girl, and they were like real travelers.

01:10:41.000 On their own, yeah.

01:10:41.000 Yeah.

01:10:42.000 Hmm.

01:10:43.000 That's so scary.

01:10:44.000 Oh, another ship's turning about.

01:10:46.000 We are in, uh...

01:10:47.000 Hello there! 0.86

01:10:48.000 ...in 2010, and this is the internet, so we're gonna find out, because I think that's fucking interesting.

01:10:52.000 Because that's one of the things about traveling is that, um, the... 0.59

01:10:56.000 It gets fucking nerve-wracking thinking about what is safe and what is not in all these other places.

01:11:01.000 Different laws. 0.97

01:11:02.000 Some countries don't have our laws.

01:11:04.000 Yeah.

01:11:05.000 When I was in Brazil...

01:11:08.000 Uh-huh.

01:11:08.000 That, uh, scared the shit out of me.

01:11:11.000 Brazil.

01:11:12.000 Brazil was, uh, Brazil was very much, like, uh, Sao Paulo, there was, um, there was a feeling in the air, like, you know, you gotta watch where you go.

01:11:20.000 Really?

01:11:20.000 Most of the people were very nice, very friendly, a lot of beautiful houses, a lot of nice neighborhoods, but it was also, like...

01:11:27.000 The Arabs show up.

01:11:28.000 If you go to the market and it's in Jerusalem and you walk into the airport, people are like, don't.

01:11:32.000 Wow, someone from the Navy witnessed it.

01:11:34.000 Kidnapped British yachtsman.

01:11:36.000 Oh, he's a yachtsman.

01:11:37.000 Wow.

01:11:39.000 Who's this passing ship?

01:11:41.000 Hello there!

01:11:42.000 What do you want?

01:11:43.000 What?

01:11:43.000 No!

01:11:46.000 Oh my god, yeah.

01:11:47.000 Oh my god.

01:11:47.000 She's spreading it?

01:11:48.000 No, she's pasty white. 0.82

01:11:50.000 No, she's just... 0.99

01:11:51.000 That's somebody else's look. 0.52

01:11:51.000 She's pasty white. 0.52

01:11:52.000 They're pasty white, rich English people. 0.91

01:11:55.000 Oh my god. 1.00

01:11:56.000 They must have fucked up. 1.00

01:11:57.000 We're traveling around there, Shannon. 1.00

01:11:58.000 All to be good. 0.99

01:11:59.000 These guys are nuts. 0.99

01:12:01.000 They went from Turkey through Africa, down through Saudi Arabia to Somalia. 0.99

01:12:07.000 I'll put the link up on my Twitter.

01:12:10.000 I'll put the link up.

01:12:14.000 Pirates vs.

01:12:15.000 Ninjas.

01:12:15.000 Who would you choose?

01:12:16.000 Go! 0.95

01:12:17.000 Ninja, for sure. 1.00

01:12:18.000 Pirates are assholes. 1.00

01:12:20.000 Do you actually think about this longer than... 1.00

01:12:23.000 Where is it?

01:12:23.000 On the ocean?

01:12:24.000 I'm sorry.

01:12:27.000 Ninjas is always the immediate answer.

01:12:29.000 Why?

01:12:30.000 How are they going to take the ocean?

01:12:31.000 They don't have boats, ninjas? 1.00

01:12:33.000 This is why it's better, because when you're a ninja, you know for sure you can kick that pirate's ass. 1.00

01:12:37.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:12:42.000 No, no one's...

01:12:43.000 They should make a movie where it's like a ninja who's also a pirate. 1.00

01:12:47.000 You're fucking 12. Yeah, pirate ninja. 1.00

01:12:49.000 Do they have that yet?

01:12:49.000 They probably.

01:12:50.000 They should.

01:12:51.000 You are a 12-year-old boy, son.

01:12:53.000 Like, he takes off his mask and he has like a little eye patch under his mask.

01:12:59.000 And there's like a squished parrot.

01:13:02.000 Like, I'm squished!

01:13:03.000 Yeah.

01:13:05.000 Okay, these people have not paid yet.

01:13:07.000 The pirates believe these people are wealthy.

01:13:08.000 That's what it is.

01:13:09.000 They're not wealthy.

01:13:10.000 All they have, they put into their yacht.

01:13:12.000 All their money, they put into their yacht. 1.00

01:13:15.000 Wow, these guys are fucked. 1.00

01:13:18.000 Wow, this is scary shit, man. 1.00

01:13:22.000 They went nutty, man. 1.00

01:13:23.000 These people sailed all the way down to Africa.

01:13:26.000 That's the dream! 1.00

01:13:26.000 To fucking Somalia. 1.00

01:13:28.000 With the Suez Canal. 1.00

01:13:29.000 They went to Mumbai.

01:13:30.000 They went across the ocean to India.

01:13:33.000 And then they went all the way back towards Tanzania.

01:13:36.000 And that's where they got jacked.

01:13:37.000 This is the dream of sailing around the world.

01:13:40.000 Retiring and sailing around the world.

01:13:41.000 My parents did that, you know.

01:13:42.000 My parents went to the Florida Keys.

01:13:44.000 And they lived in the Bahamas for a while.

01:13:46.000 But it's nerve-wracking, man. 1.00

01:13:48.000 You're living on a fucking boat out in the water. 1.00

01:13:50.000 And... 1.00

01:13:51.000 You know, when the storms come, your fucking house is literally flopping back and forth and it might go under. 0.99

01:13:56.000 Other houses are going to crash into it. 0.96

01:13:58.000 My dad had to get up in the middle of the night and go out to, in the middle of horrible rough waters, climb on other people's boats and secure their anchors because they didn't secure their anchor correctly and their boats were drifting and they had to worry about their boats slamming into his boat.

01:14:11.000 Slamming?

01:14:11.000 Really?

01:14:11.000 Yeah, it's dangerous shit.

01:14:12.000 They had a little sailboat and they lived on a little sailboat for a couple of years. 1.00

01:14:18.000 Pretty nutty shit, man. 0.99

01:14:19.000 Anyway, what I'm trying to say is, you go to all these other places, you realize, like, god damn, we're lucky it's safe here, you know? 1.00

01:14:24.000 Trying to say take flights. 0.77

01:14:25.000 Human beings are, we are only as civilized as our circumstances, you know? 0.98

01:14:32.000 And I learned that when we were in San Francisco, and the fucking, we thought the building was on fire. 0.94

01:14:37.000 I was really thinking, like, how am I going to do this? 0.99

01:14:40.000 When we're evacuating, there was 15 flights of stairs, and people were going down the stairs in single file, and people were panicking, and they were asking questions, and they were stopping the line, and they were going really slow, and they were shitting their pants.

01:14:51.000 And while this was all happening, you could look down through the spirals and see the smoke coming up from the bottom, and I was ready to jump.

01:14:57.000 I was ready to just start climbing down. 0.99

01:14:59.000 I was ready to just start, fuck you, I'm just going to start climbing. 0.99

01:15:02.000 People are panicking and they're not going fast enough. 1.00

01:15:05.000 They're like freaking out and everyone's in every floor.

01:15:08.000 They're merging.

01:15:09.000 And you start thinking like this is how someone can die.

01:15:11.000 You can die like this. 1.00

01:15:13.000 You can get stuck in a fucking fire, man. 1.00

01:15:14.000 This is scary shit. 1.00

01:15:17.000 Very, very scary shit. 1.00

01:15:18.000 Yeah, that really freaked me out. 1.00

01:15:20.000 And now I hate going...

01:15:22.000 I used to like to be at the top floor for some reason.

01:15:25.000 Like as high as I can get when I go to a hotel.

01:15:27.000 But now I'm like, no, no, no.

01:15:28.000 Do you have like second floor?

01:15:30.000 Because of that.

01:15:31.000 Yeah.

01:15:32.000 That was one of the worst times in my life.

01:15:34.000 That's the only time ever I thought I for sure was going to die.

01:15:38.000 I didn't think I was going to die, but I thought we were in a very, very bad situation here.

01:15:42.000 I was very thankful when we got out and everything was okay. 0.98

01:15:44.000 And it turned out it wasn't really a fire, that the smoke was actually the fire extinguishers, because these assholes got drunk at like 4.30 in the morning and just started... 0.99

01:15:53.000 Did you fart? 1.00

01:15:54.000 No, he was saying that it was him that sprayed this shit. 1.00

01:15:56.000 It probably was. 1.00

01:15:57.000 How dare you. 0.98

01:15:58.000 But it was the whole fucking room, the whole floor was covered in this smoke and the fire alarms went off, I guess because they activated the thing. 0.99

01:16:10.000 So it was no real fire, but God damn it was scary as fuck. 0.99

01:16:13.000 It could have very easily been a fire. 1.00

01:16:15.000 It's terrifying shit. 1.00

01:16:17.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:16:18.000 That energy could just overcome you, you know? 0.77

01:16:21.000 That's one of those old-ass buildings. 0.80

01:16:22.000 They're not safe, man. 0.91

01:16:23.000 Single-fire staircases? 1.00

01:16:25.000 Fuck that. 1.00

01:16:25.000 Oh, that was awful. 1.00

01:16:26.000 They could suck it. 1.00

01:16:27.000 Twelve floors going into one? 1.00

01:16:29.000 Fifteen.

01:16:29.000 I was on fifteen.

01:16:29.000 Fifteen was floors going into one staircase.

01:16:32.000 I think there were other ones, but they were hidden staircases.

01:16:35.000 Dude, there were so many people that were walking so slow.

01:16:37.000 They were panicking.

01:16:38.000 Oh.

01:16:38.000 They had just woken up, and they were delirious, and they were unhealthy, and they weren't athletic.

01:16:42.000 They weren't like people who can move well. 0.92

01:16:44.000 So here they get up, and some people need a long-ass fucking time to get going, like they're in their 60s and 70s, and all of a sudden you put them on a staircase like, oh my god, I'm gonna die because this guy can't walk. 0.86

01:16:53.000 You gotta walk faster, buddy. 0.97

01:16:55.000 You gotta walk. 1.00

01:16:55.000 There's a gap in front of you, motherfucker. 1.00

01:16:58.000 Normally there's a gap on the stairs, it doesn't mean shit, but when you see smoke on the second floor, and there's like 10 feet between you and the next guy, you're like, dude, you gotta move, man. 1.00

01:17:07.000 What are you doing to my cat? 0.50

01:17:08.000 He's attacking Brian.

01:17:10.000 You're playing with it.

01:17:11.000 He has to put his sleeve over his hand or she scratches it up.

01:17:14.000 You can't rub her belly. 0.97

01:17:16.000 She likes to bite. 1.00

01:17:17.000 She's going crazy. 1.00

01:17:19.000 Our sphere will be right back, ladies and gentlemen.

01:17:21.000 Now we're going to go to your emails and calls.

01:17:25.000 Where are you going?

01:17:27.000 When are we going to do the Skype thing, man?

01:17:29.000 Right now.

01:17:30.000 No, it's Skype.

01:17:31.000 No, don't do it right now.

01:17:32.000 I don't want to answer any calls.

01:17:33.000 Talk to Johnny Depp live.

01:17:36.000 Who's trying to death?

01:17:38.000 Pirate.

01:17:39.000 Oh.

01:17:40.000 I thought we're ninjas, bro.

01:17:42.000 We are.

01:17:44.000 Ari likes the pirates.

01:17:46.000 Hello.

01:17:49.000 This guy says that's why I bring a collection of sheets just in case I need to tie them together and dip.

01:17:57.000 Dude, don't think I wasn't thinking about it.

01:17:59.000 And the lower I got, the more I was thinking, okay, maybe I could jump out from here and live.

01:18:03.000 Maybe I could jump out from here and live. 1.00

01:18:05.000 You start thinking crazy shit. 1.00

01:18:07.000 Your survival instincts, you really become an animal. 1.00

01:18:10.000 You become an organism that's trying to survive.

01:18:12.000 You don't really think about anything else. 1.00

01:18:14.000 That's why this end of the world shit is crazy when the zombies come and shit. 1.00

01:18:18.000 I'm going to be the first one to eat somebody in our group. 1.00

01:18:23.000 We gotta eat her! 1.00

01:18:24.000 Why do you think that?

01:18:25.000 I don't know, I'm just kidding.

01:18:27.000 I think about zombies, we've talked about this before, I think this whole idea of reincarnating people after they're dead.

01:18:34.000 You know, like the whole cryogenics thing where they're taking people and they're freezing them like they did with Walt Disney.

01:18:38.000 I think if there are really zombies, that's a zombie.

01:18:41.000 A zombie is when a person dies, their soul goes to the next stage of existence, their energy, their essence, and you just reanimate their flesh.

01:18:47.000 And that flesh needs to stay alive, but it doesn't think at all. 0.99

01:18:50.000 It's just moving on instincts.

01:18:51.000 It's like trying to eat things in front of it.

01:18:53.000 You're trying to bite your arm and eat it because it's hungry.

01:18:55.000 Remember that old experiment with the dog where they brought dogs back to life?

01:18:59.000 Did you ever see that?

01:18:59.000 Is that the Russian film?

01:19:00.000 Yes.

01:19:01.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:19:01.000 What is that?

01:19:02.000 Oh, you gotta look that up on Google. 1.00

01:19:03.000 That's crazy shit. 0.99

01:19:03.000 They have like this head of a dog and they hook it up to these chemicals and the dog just starts coming back to life. 0.99

01:19:10.000 Okay.

01:19:10.000 Like starts licking his lips.

01:19:12.000 What was it?

01:19:13.000 Russian...

01:19:13.000 Russian experiment.

01:19:14.000 Russian scientists. 0.99

01:19:15.000 Yeah, scientists, dog, dead... 1.00

01:19:19.000 Vagina. 1.00

01:19:19.000 Black vagina. 1.00

01:19:21.000 A Russian scientist kept a dead dog's severed head alive. 1.00

01:19:25.000 Dude, that is one of the creepiest videos I ever saw.

01:19:28.000 And that's probably something like, that's a zombie dog right there.

01:19:30.000 That's a zombie dog. 0.88

01:19:31.000 They kept alive with electrical stimulation?

01:19:33.000 Yeah.

01:19:33.000 Now imagine if they made a thing that they could just put a collar around its neck to do the same thing.

01:19:38.000 Like it digs into the right things and can control it.

01:19:42.000 Well, I think for sure, you know, one of the things that there was, people, here's the video.

01:19:46.000 Wow, that's the dog.

01:19:47.000 Oh my god.

01:19:48.000 Zombie dog.

01:19:49.000 Oh my god.

01:19:50.000 Is there a video?

01:19:50.000 Yeah, I'm gonna put it on Twitter first so we can all watch together Hold me close to Tony Daneza Oh How hilarious is Jimmy Kimmel?

01:20:17.000 He's hilarious.

01:20:18.000 You guys ever watch him?

01:20:19.000 You know what was the best thing?

01:20:20.000 That thing that he did with Leno when he came out as Leno and did his whole show as Leno?

01:20:25.000 Dude, that thing was harsh.

01:20:27.000 Look at this.

01:20:28.000 Did you tweet it?

01:20:29.000 That's a cartoon.

01:20:30.000 No, it's real.

01:20:31.000 He's just explaining.

01:20:33.000 He's explaining how he does it.

01:20:35.000 He saw how he's feeding the dog brain.

01:20:39.000 He's arterialized in the reservoir where there's a steady flow of oxygen. 1.00

01:20:46.000 This is just some mad scientist shit. 0.99

01:20:48.000 They're trying to figure out what makes flesh and tissue alive. 1.00

01:20:51.000 And this dog, they're feeding blood to this dog's head, while this fucking dog's head is severed. 0.99

01:20:57.000 I mean, this is, they're explaining it in a cartoon form, but then watch, they do it. 1.00

01:21:01.000 Here it is.

01:21:03.000 Look at that.

01:21:06.000 Look at that.

01:21:10.000 Isn't that freaky?

01:21:13.000 That's insane, man.

01:21:16.000 It kept that dog's head alive for hours.

01:21:18.000 Look, it's moving around.

01:21:19.000 It's reacting when he tickles its nose, man.

01:21:21.000 Wow.

01:21:22.000 Can't bark.

01:21:22.000 It's got no voice box.

01:21:23.000 It's got no lungs, man.

01:21:25.000 Right.

01:21:25.000 It's got nothing.

01:21:26.000 It's insane.

01:21:27.000 Citric acid.

01:21:28.000 He's taking citric acid out.

01:21:30.000 What are you going to do?

01:21:30.000 Put it on his nose?

01:21:31.000 Can you imagine doing that to, like, your old pet?

01:21:34.000 Because you wanted to make it feel like it's still alive.

01:21:36.000 Oh, my God.

01:21:37.000 He's licking it. 0.67

01:21:38.000 That is insane.

01:21:39.000 The dog's head is completely removed from its body, and it's licking its nose.

01:21:43.000 The guy covered its nose with citric acid.

01:21:45.000 Wow, it's so cute.

01:21:47.000 It's a cute dog.

01:21:48.000 He's licking his nose. 1.00

01:21:49.000 Yeah, why'd they have to chop his fucking head off? 1.00

01:21:51.000 So did they... 1.00

01:21:52.000 Just to figure out that he can do it?

01:21:54.000 Oh, look at this.

01:21:57.000 He's blinking.

01:21:58.000 Oh my god, they poured light on his...

01:22:00.000 Oh, don't do that!

01:22:01.000 Oh no, sound, sound.

01:22:02.000 They picked up a hammer. 0.88

01:22:03.000 It was scary, they were gonna smash his face.

01:22:07.000 Yeah, do you know?

01:22:07.000 He just knocked the ground.

01:22:09.000 I know.

01:22:09.000 Brian, didn't you watch a video?

01:22:10.000 He's just laying the ground with a hammer.

01:22:11.000 Did you watch a video?

01:22:12.000 Oh, he's reacting to noise.

01:22:14.000 Look at that.

01:22:14.000 He's trying to get away from the hammer noise.

01:22:15.000 Oh my god, that's so crazy.

01:22:17.000 Now, did they cut his head off and then put it right on that machine? 0.52

01:22:19.000 Yeah.

01:22:19.000 So they didn't really ever die.

01:22:21.000 They just chopped his fucking head off. 1.00

01:22:22.000 They didn't bring it back to life. 1.00

01:22:23.000 No.

01:22:23.000 Actually, I don't know exactly how long it was, but this crazy guy did a bunch of these kind of experiments.

01:22:30.000 Fuck, that's so scary. 1.00

01:22:31.000 Very interesting shit. 1.00

01:22:32.000 You know, it's like... 0.99

01:22:33.000 A guy who's willing to do something that dark, I mean, I understand it's all for the name of science and all that stuff, but a guy who's willing to take an animal and completely disregard its suffering just to find out what you can do to it, that guy will do that to people.

01:22:46.000 That's what I think.

01:22:47.000 I think, I mean, maybe not, but...

01:22:49.000 What about lab rats?

01:22:49.000 Where's the line?

01:22:50.000 Yeah, where's the line? 0.99

01:22:51.000 I mean, why not take people that suck? 0.99

01:22:54.000 There was a guy who recently got arrested. 0.99

01:22:57.000 I don't want to be in charge of choosing that.

01:22:58.000 He's being sentenced right now.

01:23:00.000 He was on the dating game back in the 70s.

01:23:02.000 And this chick turned him down. 1.00

01:23:04.000 I'll find that too.

01:23:05.000 The chick turned him down.

01:23:07.000 And after the chick turned him down, because the chick didn't want to go out with him. 0.98

01:23:09.000 Well, it turned out, before he was even on the show in 1968, he'd already raped a child. 0.99

01:23:13.000 He raped a 12-year-old girl. 0.98

01:23:15.000 They didn't know about it. 0.99

01:23:16.000 So he gets on the show.

01:23:18.000 He wins.

01:23:19.000 The girl doesn't want to date him. 1.00

01:23:20.000 The girl doesn't want to date him. 1.00

01:23:22.000 And he goes on a fucking killing spree. 1.00

01:23:25.000 Does he kill her? 1.00

01:23:26.000 No, he doesn't kill her. 1.00

01:23:27.000 But he kills a child. 0.91

01:23:28.000 He kills, I think, four people. 1.00

01:23:30.000 Took one teenage girl out into the woods, sodomized her, and smashed her fucking head with a rock. 1.00

01:23:35.000 I mean, he did some horrible, horrible shit. 1.00

01:23:37.000 He's an evil, evil fuck. 1.00

01:23:41.000 And, um, I mean, that guy, let's do, cut his fucking head off. 1.00

01:23:45.000 You know what I'm saying? 1.00

01:23:46.000 The guy's killed four people, rapes and sodomizes a chick, kills with a rock. 1.00

01:23:49.000 Let's cut his head off. 1.00

01:23:50.000 Why are we kidding? 1.00

01:23:50.000 This dog didn't do shit. 1.00

01:23:52.000 You know, that guy is the one. 1.00

01:23:53.000 Bachelor number one will fucking kill you. 1.00

01:23:55.000 That's what it is. 1.00

01:23:55.000 This is the guy. 1.00

01:23:56.000 This is him in court right now.

01:23:58.000 Whoa, he got way older.

01:23:59.000 Well, this is 1978, bro. 1.00

01:24:03.000 But he went on a fucking killing spree. 1.00

01:24:05.000 He raped her with a claw hammer. 1.00

01:24:07.000 They're all repeatedly, all of them were repeatedly strangled and then resuscitated during their deaths to prolong their agony. 0.99

01:24:15.000 Oh really?

01:24:15.000 He woke them up again.

01:24:16.000 She's hot. 1.00

01:24:17.000 Evil, evil fuck. 1.00

01:24:18.000 Yeah, she was hot and smart. 1.00

01:24:19.000 She smartened up.

01:24:20.000 Even in 1978, she knew.

01:24:22.000 The other dudes who were on the show with him, they said that he was so creepy they were like, they didn't even realize but they were leaning away from him.

01:24:28.000 Really?

01:24:28.000 Yeah.

01:24:29.000 And they said that in the locker room, the dressing room, the green room, it wasn't all jokes, like, hey, we're on this crazy TV show. 1.00

01:24:35.000 It's like, I'm going to win, you fucking piece of shit. 1.00

01:24:37.000 It's my fucking show. 1.00

01:24:39.000 Like, he was aggressive with them and crazy. 1.00

01:24:41.000 Like, this guy's fucking creepy. 1.00

01:24:43.000 Turns out he's a serial killer. 1.00

01:24:45.000 That guy. 1.00

01:24:45.000 We should experiment on that motherfucker, right? 1.00

01:24:47.000 I mean, that's the guy we should be killing, not a goddamn dog. 1.00

01:24:50.000 Right, Art Shafir? 1.00

01:24:52.000 Yeah, maybe.

01:24:52.000 I want to sit and study and ask me questions.

01:24:55.000 I know, right?

01:24:56.000 He's acting as his own defense, too.

01:24:58.000 Oh, even better.

01:24:59.000 I wonder how they caught him.

01:25:00.000 I don't know the whole story.

01:25:02.000 I don't know how they caught him.

01:25:03.000 Look at him, man. 1.00

01:25:03.000 What a creepy fuck, man. 1.00

01:25:05.000 There's people that enjoy, they truly enjoy hurting other people. 1.00

01:25:09.000 You know, they're broken.

01:25:11.000 Their wires are just completely crossed, and they actually enjoy it, man. 0.99

01:25:14.000 It's fucked up, but... 0.99

01:25:16.000 Talking about Manson and how he tried out for the monkeys. 0.99

01:25:18.000 Did he really?

01:25:19.000 Yeah.

01:25:19.000 And if he had gotten it, would he still have gone crazy?

01:25:21.000 My friend was like, yes, he just would have been a crazy monkey. 0.99

01:25:23.000 Well, it would have been way more crazy because what if he became one of the monkeys and he got fucking famous and then had incredible power? 0.99

01:25:29.000 I mean, the power he had over chicks, he was three feet tall and a fucking ex-con. 0.99

01:25:34.000 He was all over Hollywood. 1.00

01:25:35.000 He always had hot chicks around him. 1.00

01:25:36.000 So everyone in Hollywood invited him over.

01:25:38.000 Don't think dudes don't do that to death.

01:25:40.000 There's always guys that are like, in Vegas especially, that party.

01:25:45.000 They'll say, hey, we've got a lot of hot chicks with us. 1.00

01:25:46.000 Come on down with us.

01:25:47.000 And they're always trying to talk to UFC guys and fighters.

01:25:50.000 Why are you telling guys you have a lot of hot chicks with you? 1.00

01:25:54.000 If you have a lot of hot chicks with you, are you just a really super cool guy who wants to make everybody happy?

01:25:58.000 Or are you just trying to make friends with everybody and this is the bait you're throwing out there?

01:26:02.000 Yeah, that's it.

01:26:03.000 It's weird.

01:26:04.000 That's right. 0.99

01:26:04.000 That's some Manson-style shit. 0.99

01:26:07.000 The problem is always that I have a lot of hot chicks and they're like, what am I going to do with that? 1.00

01:26:11.000 Scary shit. 0.99

01:26:12.000 You're going to meet them? 1.00

01:26:13.000 Yeah, yeah, exactly. 1.00

01:26:14.000 Are they prostitutes that are willing to have sex with me? 1.00

01:26:17.000 Otherwise, I don't understand. 0.99

01:26:18.000 Do you want to talk about your Last Comic Standing thing?

01:26:21.000 I went on Last Comic Standing yesterday.

01:26:23.000 You allowed to?

01:26:24.000 I auditioned for it.

01:26:24.000 What do you mean?

01:26:25.000 You allowed to talk about it?

01:26:28.000 Oh, you mean by rules of NBC? Yeah, I could just sign something.

01:26:30.000 I don't know.

01:26:31.000 I signed a lot of stuff.

01:26:32.000 I have no idea.

01:26:33.000 I'm sure you're allowed.

01:26:34.000 And then I get there and they said this year they wanted to do, what's it called, more respectable judges because they're afraid of Ant.

01:26:42.000 That level of comic where they were like, uh...

01:26:46.000 People, the comics don't really want to do it.

01:26:47.000 So they got Gerard Geraldo and Andy Kindler.

01:26:50.000 And then at the last minute I found out, Tony, before I got there, it went on that my ex-girlfriend, Natasha, was one of those judges.

01:26:56.000 Now this is not just an ex-girlfriend, but there's a big-ass story to it.

01:27:00.000 And one of them is that Ari, at one point in time, was quite upset with her.

01:27:04.000 Ari? 0.99

01:27:06.000 Yes.

01:27:07.000 Oh, the water?

01:27:08.000 Yeah.

01:27:09.000 She left me for some guy on Matt TV. And then she started hanging around my safety spot, my clubhouse, and making it uncomfortable for me. 1.00

01:27:19.000 And then she started dating my friend, and then she was hanging around the clubhouse again, and I threw water in her face. 0.63

01:27:26.000 So not the best judge.

01:27:28.000 Right, not the one I want to be in front of.

01:27:30.000 I was like, oh really?

01:27:31.000 And then they started grilling me about it.

01:27:33.000 Like right before I go on camera asking these questions.

01:27:35.000 On before?

01:27:35.000 Yeah, right before.

01:27:36.000 And I'm like, I don't appreciate answering this.

01:27:38.000 Did you think about bailing?

01:27:39.000 What?

01:27:39.000 Absolutely thought about it.

01:27:40.000 But I love uncomfortable situations so much.

01:27:42.000 I even said that to the people.

01:27:43.000 I was like, ugh.

01:27:44.000 You do.

01:27:44.000 If I could wash this, it'd be better.

01:27:46.000 I think we all do from working at the store.

01:27:49.000 It's just so awkward.

01:27:50.000 I love it so much that I'm willing to put myself through it just for the awkwardness.

01:27:53.000 Well, you know how when we were doing the store, all those years, we'd have those crazy late night shows?

01:27:58.000 I think there's something about those late night shows that set...

01:28:02.000 You know, there's times when we did gigs together where if I did a gig with Tripoli or me and Brent Ernst and Mike Young did a show once in Hollywood, Florida, and everybody killed. 0.99

01:28:14.000 And one of the things that Brent Ernst said, when he killed, right after he was bringing me up, he goes, Comedy store, motherfucker! 0.99

01:28:20.000 You know? 0.99

01:28:21.000 And it was like joking around like we're in a gang.

01:28:23.000 It is.

01:28:23.000 It's a clubhouse.

01:28:23.000 It's a gang.

01:28:24.000 Yeah.

01:28:25.000 It's a mentality. 0.98

01:28:26.000 It's like you know you're working in a shithole.

01:28:28.000 You've been in some dark situations.

01:28:30.000 Yeah.

01:28:30.000 The comedy store, if you don't know, the way it has always been in LA, it used to be that the criminals ran the, the insane people ran the asylum.

01:28:37.000 But now it's more it's managed and it kind of sucks now.

01:28:40.000 But still, the door guys are all wannabe comics.

01:28:42.000 Everyone's a comic.

01:28:42.000 They're outside smoking and drinking.

01:28:44.000 When there's some five hecklers in there yelling at you, eventually someone will get them. 0.99

01:28:48.000 The place is entirely black. 0.99

01:28:49.000 Everything's black. 0.75

01:28:50.000 The walls are black.

01:28:50.000 The floor is so dirty.

01:28:52.000 The coloring is black.

01:28:53.000 The whole building is black. 0.78

01:28:55.000 It's a black building. 0.77

01:28:56.000 It's just dark, man. 0.99

01:28:57.000 And it used to be a nightclub where Bugsy Siegel owned it in the 1930s and shit called Cero's. 0.98

01:29:03.000 And it was like a mob joint where dudes were killed there. 0.99

01:29:06.000 So it's got this weird fucking feel to it. 1.00

01:29:09.000 I mean, for sure they chopped people up and threw them in the fucking freezer in that place. 0.99

01:29:12.000 Yeah, they had this, what's it called, the window where they said that there was always one where people would look down. 0.99

01:29:16.000 Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis used to watch the opening acts from their green room.

01:29:20.000 Their green room has a window you can...

01:29:21.000 And we could still use it today.

01:29:22.000 You go up there and you wash the main room.

01:29:23.000 They said that would be where they point out for the bouncers.

01:29:26.000 Like, get him out and get him out.

01:29:27.000 So they wouldn't have to go and make a hubbub in the room.

01:29:29.000 They would just drag him out. 0.96

01:29:31.000 They said to kill him, I don't know.

01:29:32.000 They probably used it for a lot of reasons. 0.62

01:29:33.000 But it's just, it's an amazing club.

01:29:35.000 There's three comedy rooms in it.

01:29:36.000 There's an upstairs little tiny one.

01:29:38.000 It's called The Belly Room.

01:29:39.000 There's an original room that's like 200 seats, right?

01:29:42.000 About 200?

01:29:42.000 And then there's a main room that's like 400 seats.

01:29:45.000 And the fucking club is just so sick, man. 1.00

01:29:48.000 So much fun shit has happened in that club. 1.00

01:29:50.000 It's a great development room. 0.99

01:29:51.000 Yeah, that's it.

01:29:52.000 It's the best place to write material.

01:29:54.000 It's less about, like, I don't know.

01:29:57.000 People are so not impressed with you there.

01:30:00.000 Don't showcase there, ever.

01:30:01.000 Never.

01:30:02.000 You'll eat it.

01:30:03.000 It's very possible to eat it at the store.

01:30:04.000 Thea said, never tape at the store.

01:30:07.000 You can never tell what's going to happen.

01:30:09.000 You can never tell.

01:30:10.000 We've been in so many situations where people are screaming things at each other, fights on stage. 0.93

01:30:14.000 Ari's pulled his cock out at least ten times that I know of. 1.00

01:30:18.000 I would be willing to bet money. 1.00

01:30:20.000 That he's pulled his dick out ten times on that stage that I saw. 1.00

01:30:23.000 That you saw? 1.00

01:30:24.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:30:24.000 He used to pull his balls out all the time and just do a set like that. 0.99

01:30:26.000 Balls. 0.99

01:30:27.000 I generally just like that. 1.00

01:30:28.000 Just pull his balls out. 1.00

01:30:29.000 This is one time I wanted to fuck with Gordy Stevens, so I put my balls, he hated anything homosexual, so I pulled my balls out and left a long t-shirt over them because I was going to bring them on. 1.00

01:30:36.000 And I had them out before the entire set. 0.99

01:30:38.000 And there were a couple times where I'd raise my hand like this.

01:30:40.000 And people would see it.

01:30:41.000 They'd just go up a little bit, so I had to be conscious of doing my set, put my hands down the whole time. 0.99

01:30:45.000 And then when he got out, because we were doing this thing called cocking, Where I would come behind you and just put my balls on your arm or something. 1.00

01:30:54.000 Just somewhere on your body. 0.99

01:30:55.000 We never do it to girls because that's creepy.

01:30:57.000 That's illegal.

01:30:58.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:30:58.000 I think it's illegal to do it to dudes too, but if you call the cops you're a bitch. 1.00

01:31:01.000 Yeah, but Brody was like, don't you ever do that to me. 0.99

01:31:02.000 I'm like, I'm going to cop you.

01:31:04.000 And so I went to shake his hand and I was like, Yeah, that's what we're doing.

01:31:14.000 Regular people, man, with regular jobs, cannot appreciate that.

01:31:18.000 There's something very fun in being juvenile.

01:31:21.000 And you know, everybody wants to get all mature and everybody wants to...

01:31:24.000 I guess.

01:31:25.000 That's all well and good, but the bottom line is this is a temporary life.

01:31:29.000 This is temporary. 0.96

01:31:30.000 Taking yourself or anything seriously seems dumb to me.

01:31:34.000 It seems like you should be having as much fun as possible. 1.00

01:31:36.000 Even the silly, stupid shit. 1.00

01:31:38.000 Even the farting on each other. 1.00

01:31:39.000 I don't care.

01:31:40.000 It could be a hundred years from now.

01:31:41.000 Farting on people is still going to be funny. 1.00

01:31:43.000 When Joey Diaz comes over and then he farts on you and then waves his hand in front of his ass. 0.99

01:31:49.000 I mean, it's always funny. 1.00

01:31:50.000 It's always disgusting.

01:31:52.000 Like it gets warmer.

01:31:52.000 That's how close it is.

01:31:53.000 The only time that makes you angry, the only time that would make you angry, you'd have to be so fucked up in your life. 0.99

01:31:57.000 Like you'd have to be in a terrible place. 0.97

01:31:59.000 But if any normal time in life when he does that, it's hilarious.

01:32:02.000 - Let's see if he did it to him on a date.

01:32:04.000 - Oh, I can see him doing that.

01:32:06.000 - Oh, he's on a date. - He could be in the middle of talking. - Let me do this. - You could be in the middle of talking to him, What are you doing here?

01:32:10.000 You eating dinner?

01:32:11.000 Hey, hello, miss. 0.87

01:32:12.000 Very nice to meet you.

01:32:13.000 Hold on, hold on. 1.00

01:32:13.000 Here we go, motherfucker. 1.00

01:32:14.000 Bam! 1.00

01:32:15.000 What do you think of that? 1.00

01:32:16.000 Put that on your fucking spaghetti and smoke it. 1.00

01:32:19.000 Hello, miss. 0.99

01:32:19.000 It's nice to meet you. 0.99

01:32:20.000 Sorry about that one.

01:32:22.000 Yo, dog.

01:32:23.000 I tell you.

01:32:24.000 You got a lighter?

01:32:26.000 I'll give it right back.

01:32:28.000 You would definitely do that.

01:32:30.000 He's stolen more lighters from me. 0.99

01:32:32.000 I should have lighters with fucking homing beacons. 0.99

01:32:35.000 Put a little beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep. 1.00

01:32:37.000 He used to always talk about him going to 7-Eleven shit. 0.99

01:32:39.000 Steal. 1.00

01:32:40.000 Just steal.

01:32:41.000 Gotta take him to something.

01:32:42.000 And he does it like a place.

01:32:44.000 He does it at the airport.

01:32:45.000 No!

01:32:46.000 We're catching a flight!

01:32:48.000 If you get held by 30 minutes, we're gonna miss it.

01:32:50.000 Like, don't.

01:32:50.000 Does he still do it?

01:32:51.000 Dude, he does it all the time.

01:32:53.000 Remember when we went to McDonald's and it was one of those places where you grab a quarter pounder, you grab your fries, and you go to the cashier and you go, I got a quarter pounder of fries.

01:33:01.000 He's just like, quarter pounder here, quarter pounder here, some french fries in my shirt.

01:33:05.000 Get out of here.

01:33:05.000 Remember that time I stole that food?

01:33:07.000 Dude, you just gave them up.

01:33:09.000 Huh?

01:33:09.000 You just gave them up on the internet.

01:33:10.000 I'm talking about Dunkin' Streisand.

01:33:13.000 Ryan and I were waiting for food once, and I forgot to wait in line.

01:33:16.000 And then somebody kept yelling out, taquitos, taquitos, and nobody picked them up. 1.00

01:33:20.000 So I just said, fuck it. 1.00

01:33:21.000 Oh, that's right. 1.00

01:33:22.000 You did it.

01:33:23.000 That's right.

01:33:23.000 I forgot.

01:33:24.000 You guys are killing me, man. 0.80

01:33:25.000 Wow, that's scary. 0.99

01:33:26.000 It was scary.

01:33:27.000 We ate so fast, and we had to run away.

01:33:28.000 I got caught for shoplifting when CDs first came out, and I was like 12 or 13 or something.

01:33:34.000 And I wanted a CD so bad.

01:33:36.000 I had a CD player for my birthday, but it had one CD. It was the Ghostbuster II soundtrack.

01:33:40.000 So I was like, I need a new CD. This soundtrack sucks. 0.99

01:33:43.000 And so I went to the store with my friend, and I stole three CDs and got caught. 0.98

01:33:49.000 And it was so embarrassing because the CDs were Paulo Abdul, MC Hammer, and something else, like Van Halen or something like that.

01:33:57.000 But then his family, both of our families had to come.

01:34:01.000 We had to...

01:34:02.000 Getting caught shoplifting.

01:34:03.000 I got caught shoplifting.

01:34:07.000 I got caught shoplifting when I was about 13. I stole a candy bar, and we were about to leave and go to the movies.

01:34:13.000 And as I'm walking out of this store, this guy came up and grabbed my arm.

01:34:17.000 Really?

01:34:17.000 I hate to sit here.

01:34:18.000 Me too. 0.99

01:34:19.000 I fucking went to a panel. 1.00

01:34:20.000 He goes, what did you put in your pocket? 1.00

01:34:21.000 I go, what?

01:34:22.000 What is this?

01:34:23.000 Why you got a candy bar in your pocket?

01:34:24.000 I totally didn't even need to do it.

01:34:26.000 I just wanted to see if I could do it.

01:34:27.000 I had done it a couple of times.

01:34:28.000 I'd stolen, like, gum or something like that, and I just kept doing it.

01:34:31.000 You know, when you're a kid, you do...

01:34:32.000 Yeah, just do it.

01:34:33.000 I think I was 13. I was, like, 12, I think.

01:34:35.000 But the thing is, you would've gotten in trouble with your parents.

01:34:36.000 No, I was 13 because I was living in Boston.

01:34:38.000 Yeah, my parents...

01:34:39.000 But that's terrible.

01:34:40.000 Yeah, my parents never found out about it, I don't think.

01:34:42.000 I don't think they even told my parents. 0.99

01:34:43.000 They just told me to get the fuck out of there. 0.99

01:34:44.000 It was only a candy bar. 1.00

01:34:45.000 They didn't give a shit. 1.00

01:34:45.000 We could hold you. 1.00

01:34:46.000 We could bring you to jail.

01:34:47.000 And I just said, look, I'm sorry.

01:34:48.000 I don't know why I did it. 0.98

01:34:49.000 I'm stupid. 0.86

01:34:50.000 I'm sorry.

01:34:50.000 I apologized.

01:34:51.000 And I said, I got away.

01:34:53.000 I told the truth.

01:34:53.000 I said, I got away with it before.

01:34:54.000 And for whatever reason, I thought I could get away with it. 1.00

01:34:56.000 And they go, get the fuck out of here. 1.00

01:34:57.000 Don't ever come. 1.00

01:34:58.000 I can't fucking catch you doing this. 1.00

01:34:59.000 I'm going to put you in fucking jail. 1.00

01:35:01.000 Big mustache. 1.00

01:35:02.000 Big fucking fat head. 1.00

01:35:02.000 He got in my face. 1.00

01:35:03.000 And I was like, yes, sir.

01:35:04.000 Yes, sir.

01:35:05.000 Thank you.

01:35:05.000 Thank you very much.

01:35:06.000 Yeah, I'm glad I got caught, because if I didn't, I'd probably...

01:35:08.000 Because I was so addicted to it, because it was when Nintendo came out also.

01:35:11.000 And there was this place called...

01:35:12.000 Yeah.

01:35:13.000 Service merchandise.

01:35:15.000 They didn't know about video games.

01:35:16.000 They just put them on the shelf.

01:35:17.000 So me and my friend were like, ooh, ooh, ooh, like put 10 in our pants.

01:35:20.000 And then we would bury it outside of the store and get it back later, because we didn't want to come home and have all these video games. 0.99

01:35:27.000 My girlfriend in high school got busted stealing like $1,000 worth of shit. 0.99

01:35:32.000 She got in like some real trouble. 1.00

01:35:33.000 Wow.

01:35:34.000 The last time I was with my mom, and I saw these pair of sunglasses that I thought were cool, and I put them in my pocket, and as I'm walking out the door, I'm like, what am I doing?

01:35:43.000 And I was like, 17. It was like, enough where I'm like, they'll just charge me.

01:35:47.000 I'm not cute. 1.00

01:35:48.000 Yeah, it's scary shit. 0.99

01:35:50.000 My girlfriend at the time, I think she was 15 when she got caught, but she just wanted nice clothes. 0.99

01:35:55.000 Everybody had nice clothes, and she was also raised without her dad.

01:36:01.000 I think when people are raised without their dad, they're very unbalanced. 0.99

01:36:05.000 More subjects do crazy shit. 1.00

01:36:07.000 Her mom worked all day. 1.00

01:36:08.000 Her mom didn't have enough money to take care of her. 1.00

01:36:11.000 She couldn't put her in a really nice daycare.

01:36:13.000 So you grow up single parent, single child.

01:36:17.000 You grow up a little crazy.

01:36:18.000 She just thought she could get away with it. 0.72

01:36:20.000 She thought she was smart.

01:36:21.000 She was pretty smart.

01:36:21.000 She thought she could get away with it.

01:36:22.000 It's either because she was raised with no dad or raised with too much dad.

01:36:26.000 Yeah, it was no dad.

01:36:27.000 She wasn't like that. 0.99

01:36:28.000 She wasn't fucked up like that. 1.00

01:36:32.000 She was just a little crazy. 0.99

01:36:35.000 You ever look back on chicks that you knew when you were in high school and say, what if I got her pregnant? 1.00

01:36:40.000 What if I had a fucking kid with her? 1.00

01:36:41.000 What if I was still connected to her? 1.00

01:36:43.000 What if I was pregnant and didn't have money is what the real answer is?

01:36:46.000 Well, can you imagine, though?

01:36:47.000 I mean, not having money is one thing. 0.96

01:36:49.000 That does suck.

01:36:50.000 But being young and not having money and trying to figure out how to raise a child, you're still trying to figure out yourself. 0.98

01:36:56.000 You'd make the best of your life. 0.99

01:36:57.000 You would definitely make the best of your life, but goddamn it. 0.99

01:36:59.000 It's so hard not to project on those people. 1.00

01:37:00.000 I would hate to fuck it up. 1.00

01:37:01.000 We're like, oh, your life sucks, but it's not that bad. 0.99

01:37:04.000 They're fine. 1.00

01:37:04.000 I would hate to fuck it up. 1.00

01:37:06.000 I would hate to fuck up. 0.99

01:37:07.000 You know, to raise a kid when you're like a kid yourself, man, that's... 1.00

01:37:11.000 You could do some irreparable damage to that fucking kid. 1.00

01:37:15.000 You could teach them something, some really terrible behavior patterns. 1.00

01:37:18.000 They could model them after you. 1.00

01:37:20.000 I mean, think about how dumb you were when you were 18. Yeah. 0.99

01:37:22.000 Now imagine you were black, you had AIDS, and you're fat. 1.00

01:37:25.000 Yeah, you live in another country. 0.99

01:37:27.000 How about you just...

01:37:27.000 Like Cressions, that's what the big Cressions did.

01:37:29.000 Yeah, I haven't seen it, but I could imagine.

01:37:31.000 How about you born in the Congo?

01:37:32.000 How about that? 1.00

01:37:33.000 How about you one of those dudes that fucking still fishes by hanging a net over a fucking moving river from a tree? 1.00

01:37:38.000 They hang with their feet from fucking trees and scoop nets into the water. 1.00

01:37:42.000 Dude, it's nuts because the river is raging, and if they're not even wearing safety vests, if they fall in that water, they might be fucked. 0.99

01:37:48.000 There's some video of these guys living in the Congo that are catching fish by doing that. 0.98

01:37:51.000 It is wild to see, man. 0.99

01:37:53.000 They are living right now the way the fucking Na'vi lived in Avatar. 1.00

01:37:57.000 No bullshit, except they don't fly in dragons. 1.00

01:37:59.000 They're not really great. 0.99

01:38:00.000 Yeah, it's not cool.

01:38:01.000 All the uncool.

01:38:02.000 When they come at you, it doesn't seem that interesting. 1.00

01:38:05.000 They're killing things with spears and bows and arrows and, you know, they're fishing with nets while they're hanging from fucking trees. 1.00

01:38:11.000 It's loco. 1.00

01:38:12.000 It's crazy shit, man. 1.00

01:38:13.000 And these guys are living in 2010. They don't have shit. 1.00

01:38:16.000 They don't have lights. 1.00

01:38:17.000 They don't have electricity.

01:38:19.000 They don't have anything.

01:38:20.000 They have no lighters. 1.00

01:38:21.000 They don't have shit. 0.99

01:38:22.000 Occasionally you see one of them will be wearing, like, Western underwear. 1.00

01:38:25.000 Like, somebody got them some fucking underwear, or one of them would be wearing a t-shirt or some shit, like, from The Gap, and you're like, wow, this is crazy. 0.99

01:38:32.000 And here they are living in these straw huts in the middle of the fucking jungle, surrounded by monsters, you know? 1.00

01:38:38.000 That is a scary, scary life, man. 1.00

01:38:40.000 And that could have easily been us.

01:38:42.000 You know?

01:38:42.000 You didn't have to be born where you were born.

01:38:44.000 I didn't have to be born where I'm born. 0.99

01:38:45.000 You could totally fuck up and all of a sudden... 1.00

01:38:47.000 You wouldn't know any different, though. 1.00

01:38:48.000 Yeah. 0.98

01:38:49.000 You wouldn't know any different, but goddamn how lucky are we. 0.96

01:38:52.000 I mean, yeah, you would be probably okay. 0.97

01:38:54.000 I mean, people get used to everything. 1.00

01:38:55.000 There's a lot of poor countries that look, and I think they're dumb. 0.99

01:38:57.000 They look down on our lifestyle and they're like, look at them. 0.99

01:38:59.000 They don't even know if they could have been born here in Afghanistan and had a good life. 0.99

01:39:03.000 Yeah, there's people that are proud to live in those shitty towns. 0.97

01:39:06.000 I mean, there's a lot of people that are proud to live in Pittsburgh. 0.97

01:39:08.000 You know what I'm saying?

01:39:10.000 For real. 0.99

01:39:11.000 You know, you talk to people that fucking love Pittsburgh. 1.00

01:39:13.000 I'll be here till I die. 1.00

01:39:14.000 Fucking Pittsburgh is the only town for me. 1.00

01:39:16.000 Dude, you need to go to Australia. 1.00

01:39:18.000 Because let me tell you something, man.

01:39:19.000 Everyone's friendly.

01:39:20.000 The women are gorgeous. 1.00

01:39:22.000 Everyone's cool as fuck. 0.99

01:39:23.000 Everyone's super, super relaxed. 0.99

01:39:25.000 Every third place Joe Orton goes to visit, he says it's the greatest place that everybody wants to move there.

01:39:29.000 I always have this instinct to get out of L.A. I came so close.

01:39:33.000 I was gone.

01:39:34.000 Look at me.

01:39:35.000 That's when I thought I was over.

01:39:36.000 They trapped me back in. 1.00

01:39:38.000 They fucking, they got me back. 1.00

01:39:41.000 The wife got knocked up and the mountain lion ate the dog. 1.00

01:39:46.000 Snow came.

01:39:47.000 The accident on the hills.

01:39:48.000 It's just too much.

01:39:49.000 I got crazy.

01:39:50.000 I tried to move her right to the mountains. 1.00

01:39:52.000 That was the big fucker. 0.99

01:39:54.000 I should have moved her to Boulder and got like a little cabin. 1.00

01:39:56.000 Take over territory, set up a base there, then move. 0.96

01:39:58.000 I got this fucking very strong desire to have like a base very far away from the majority of civilization. 0.93

01:40:04.000 Like I have these crazy, and it's not crazy thoughts of like the end of the world. 0.98

01:40:08.000 It's just like, I just want no one around.

01:40:10.000 You even do that here.

01:40:12.000 Any reason you have to be in LA is 45 minutes away.

01:40:16.000 In light traffic.

01:40:17.000 Have you always been like that?

01:40:20.000 No, I've always been like that.

01:40:22.000 I've moved further and further away from the hives from the moment I moved to LA. When I first moved to LA, I had an apartment in North Hollywood.

01:40:28.000 Then I rented a house in Encino.

01:40:30.000 And then I kept going further and further out.

01:40:33.000 And my next move, man, I'm going to stay in California, I think.

01:40:38.000 But I think I'm going to get a place in Big Bear.

01:40:41.000 I want to go get a place up in the mountains.

01:40:43.000 Yeah, maybe I should buy his place.

01:40:46.000 I wonder if she'll sell it.

01:40:48.000 I wonder if she'll sell it.

01:40:49.000 I wonder if Lenny even uses it. 0.60

01:40:51.000 You don't want that junk of spirits. 1.00

01:40:52.000 What the fuck? 1.00

01:40:53.000 There's junky spirits in that fucking house. 1.00

01:40:54.000 What are you trying to do? 1.00

01:40:56.000 Worshipping Satan, Joe Rogan?

01:40:57.000 Junky spirits.

01:40:59.000 You know what I would like to get?

01:41:00.000 Just a little cabin.

01:41:01.000 Just somewhere where I can just go and just hear nothing.

01:41:05.000 That's what I love the most about living on that mountain.

01:41:07.000 I mean, you went to that place that I lived at. 0.99

01:41:09.000 When you are out that window, when we're on the porch and you listen, you don't hear a fucking thing. 0.98

01:41:15.000 It's you hear the silence. 0.96

01:41:17.000 It's like a very specific sound of its own.

01:41:19.000 I heard in the redwoods, because the canopy is so high above the ground, there's no real birds and there's no real insects there.

01:41:27.000 I don't know how it follows up.

01:41:29.000 There's nothing going on.

01:41:30.000 So it really is just silence.

01:41:32.000 Occasionally you hear a squirrel.

01:41:33.000 You see one.

01:41:34.000 But generally it's just like nothing's happening.

01:41:36.000 I gotta go back to that.

01:41:37.000 That would suck.

01:41:38.000 No man, it's supposed to be super cool.

01:41:39.000 I went when I was a kid and we drove our car through a redwood tree.

01:41:43.000 I want to do that one.

01:41:44.000 This is how douchey people are. 1.00

01:41:46.000 This fucking tree's been around for like a million years. 1.00

01:41:48.000 This gigantic fucking tree that's as big as this room. 1.00

01:41:51.000 So what do they do? 1.00

01:41:52.000 They carve a big hole in the center of it so people can drive their cars through the fucking tree. 0.99

01:41:57.000 This is like a novelty goof. 1.00

01:41:59.000 Like, they carved out the tree like a goddamn tile. 0.99

01:42:01.000 Well, that's where the road was, right? 0.99

01:42:02.000 Was that or knocked the tree down?

01:42:03.000 Oh, they made it!

01:42:04.000 That's where the road was.

01:42:05.000 They didn't have to do that.

01:42:06.000 I mean, it seems like more humane to kill the tree than to use it. 1.00

01:42:10.000 It's a fucking tree. 1.00

01:42:11.000 I know. 1.00

01:42:12.000 What if trees can feel?

01:42:13.000 They just can't communicate.

01:42:15.000 That's a very valid argument.

01:42:17.000 We don't know.

01:42:18.000 I don't know if this has been scientifically validated, but there's been all sorts of studies that prove that trees feel something.

01:42:27.000 There's an electrical impulse when you snip them.

01:42:28.000 I will tell you this.

01:42:29.000 There was an episode of Mama's Family in which the goofball son hears a study that says cauliflower can feel pain.

01:42:37.000 Broccoli does not have that same problem.

01:42:39.000 Maybe that was where all the work was gone.

01:42:43.000 That's not real. 0.99

01:42:44.000 But who the fuck knows, man? 0.99

01:42:46.000 Who knows if it doesn't hurt their feelings when you eat them? 0.99

01:42:49.000 Who knows?

01:42:50.000 It's not a good enough reason to do or not to do anything.

01:42:53.000 You could argue that video game characters could probably feel...

01:42:56.000 Maybe they're playing us.

01:42:57.000 They might. 1.00

01:42:58.000 When you kill them. 1.00

01:42:59.000 When you play Quake, maybe you're fucking somebody up in another dimension. 1.00

01:43:01.000 Right. 0.99

01:43:02.000 That video game, how do you know that has feelings as much as a fucking cabbage? 1.00

01:43:07.000 It starts getting ridiculous. 1.00

01:43:08.000 If you have lips, then who cares? 0.97

01:43:10.000 You have to have lips.

01:43:11.000 Some people say they won't eat anything that has a face.

01:43:14.000 Really?

01:43:14.000 Yeah.

01:43:16.000 People will eat things like clams, some shellfish, but they won't eat anything with a face.

01:43:24.000 What is that thing, speaking of faces?

01:43:26.000 It's creeping me out. 1.00

01:43:26.000 It's an ass, cheap, but it's got someone's mouth there. 1.00

01:43:28.000 Not mine, though. 1.00

01:43:29.000 It's some girl's. 1.00

01:43:30.000 Brian just comes up with a weird ass. 1.00

01:43:32.000 It's weird. 0.99

01:43:32.000 Have you seen those little weird ass banners? 0.99

01:43:34.000 We're talking about the thing that's on my website. 0.69

01:43:35.000 It's on JoeRogan.net.

01:43:37.000 Any of those weird banners.

01:43:38.000 It's all Brian's. 0.92

01:43:39.000 You know, I like to throw in a lot of subliminal porn into it because it works. 0.98

01:43:45.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:43:45.000 Because you're like, what the fuck is this? 1.00

01:43:47.000 And it makes you look at the poster. 1.00

01:43:49.000 You can see some pussy lips down there by the end. 1.00

01:43:51.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:43:52.000 It makes you look at the poster, where a lot of times if it's just you with a microphone, it's like, okay, yeah, whatever.

01:43:56.000 Right, you're right.

01:43:57.000 No, I love them, man.

01:43:59.000 But I think if you just brighten the contrast in there, people would be even more excited.

01:44:04.000 Where that N is? 0.96

01:44:05.000 I feel like I can see something. 1.00

01:44:07.000 Isn't it funny that that's exciting to almost see some tits or some pussy? 1.00

01:44:11.000 But you can see just wrong ass dicky ass on the internet. 1.00

01:44:15.000 Video. 0.99

01:44:15.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:44:17.000 That's why I can't live in a mountain, man. 1.00

01:44:18.000 Because if there's like end of the world shit happens, I need to be around pussy. 1.00

01:44:22.000 Just in case if I have to need it. 1.00

01:44:23.000 I got disgusted by porn last night.

01:44:25.000 It's not even an end of the world thing. 0.98

01:44:27.000 You got disgusted by porn.

01:44:28.000 It was like overload.

01:44:29.000 It was just too much.

01:44:30.000 Too many days in a row to where I was like, oh, why are they doing this?

01:44:34.000 Sometimes I overload on the road.

01:44:36.000 On the road, sometimes I just... 0.78

01:44:37.000 Too much porn. 0.74

01:44:38.000 I see it as like mating animals. 0.95

01:44:41.000 Either that or this way where I just feel empathy for the women. 0.88

01:44:43.000 How about when you beat off and like only a dribble comes out because that's all you got left.

01:44:48.000 Wow, like a three day or four times a day.

01:44:50.000 Because you beat off like three times in a day.

01:44:52.000 And you think you're doing it because you're trying to get some sleep.

01:44:55.000 Like in the morning, sometimes I wake up and I get up too early.

01:44:59.000 I'm like, I can sleep in.

01:45:00.000 I need my sleep.

01:45:01.000 Let me just jerk off real quick. 0.98

01:45:02.000 So I'll jerk off and then I'm like getting ready to go to the gym. 1.00

01:45:05.000 I'm like, I'm a little horny before I go to the gym. 1.00

01:45:06.000 Maybe I should just jerk off. 0.99

01:45:07.000 And then I'll jerk off, and then I'll go and do the show, and then I'll go do the show, do stand-up. 0.99

01:45:11.000 Do you do it before you go to the jiu-jitsu? 0.53

01:45:13.000 Sometimes. 0.99

01:45:14.000 I don't want to make your balls. 1.00

01:45:16.000 I would be jerking that three times before you do it. 1.00

01:45:18.000 I always watch before jiu-jitsu.

01:45:20.000 Very conscientious. 0.56

01:45:22.000 Listen, everybody jerks off and then goes to jiu-jitsu. 0.98

01:45:24.000 Everybody that goes to jiu-jitsu jerks off and then goes there. 0.99

01:45:26.000 It's just a matter of how long ago was that jerking off. 0.99

01:45:29.000 Was it a month ago? 0.95

01:45:30.000 Was it a year ago?

01:45:31.000 And if they like to wipe it, or they go with it still.

01:45:34.000 That's true, but you never know, man.

01:45:36.000 You never know.

01:45:36.000 You can't trust people.

01:45:37.000 Trust no one.

01:45:38.000 But then I'll go get home from the gig, I'll do a gig, I'll be wired, and then I'll kind of get some sleep.

01:45:45.000 So I'll beat off and then I'll get some sleep.

01:45:46.000 What about the times, like, out of nowhere, just...

01:45:48.000 Oh! 0.60

01:45:49.000 I was talking to Ari about this.

01:45:50.000 He's a sprayer. 0.96

01:45:51.000 When he jerks off, it just blows up. 0.99

01:45:54.000 That happens to me once in a while and it surprises the fuck out of me. 0.99

01:45:58.000 TMI! Why does it do that?

01:46:01.000 Do you hold down the tip like a garden hose and try to spray it?

01:46:04.000 It's probably something like that.

01:46:05.000 That's probably the way I do it.

01:46:06.000 I don't know. 1.00

01:46:06.000 Maybe he's just got a lot of fucking oomph behind his loath. 1.00

01:46:09.000 Just because your loads come a sputter. 1.00

01:46:11.000 No, but you know what? 0.90

01:46:12.000 It's when I get a handjob or something, so it's not me. 0.98

01:46:16.000 Oh, so it's a girl doing it. 0.97

01:46:17.000 Or me, if I'm doing it for whatever. 0.98

01:46:19.000 It's like, let me just fucking beat off. 0.99

01:46:20.000 Or if she does it, it just fucking flies. 1.00

01:46:22.000 Let's be honest about something. 0.98

01:46:23.000 What is better?

01:46:25.000 What is better? 1.00

01:46:27.000 Getting a great load, a great load, shooting a great load, or taking a great shit? 0.99

01:46:34.000 I would go with a great load. 0.91

01:46:35.000 A great load, but not by much, man.

01:46:37.000 Not by much.

01:46:38.000 Sometimes you shoot a great load.

01:46:39.000 Here's what you need to add to the question.

01:46:41.000 You need to add to the question.

01:46:44.000 Here's the question.

01:46:46.000 You need to even it up. 1.00

01:46:47.000 Because how many times have you shot a load and then you realize, oh my god, now I have to talk to this crazy bitch that I just shot a load with. 1.00

01:46:54.000 Oh, you've been doing sex. 1.00

01:46:56.000 You're trying to get the fuck out of there, and you're tired, and you realize you've got to drive an hour to get home. 0.99

01:47:00.000 Doesn't matter. 0.83

01:47:01.000 She wants you to stay over, and you're like, I can't, I have to feed the dogs.

01:47:04.000 Like, any kind of craziness that goes on, you're like, oh my god, what am I doing with my life? 0.99

01:47:07.000 Whereas when you take a shit, there's none of that. 0.99

01:47:09.000 I think here's the deal. 1.00

01:47:10.000 Unless there's a load in your shit. 1.00

01:47:11.000 I think you've just had sex a lot more than Brian and I. So you're just a little more, like, interested in it than we are. 1.00

01:47:17.000 We're like, yeah, whatever.

01:47:18.000 But we're like, what?

01:47:19.000 Sex?

01:47:20.000 It's been months a year. 1.00

01:47:21.000 Every now and then, I enjoy good shit. 0.99

01:47:23.000 I really appreciate the morning ones. 0.99

01:47:25.000 Sometimes you wake up, and you're like, oh, Jesus, let me get to the toilet. 0.99

01:47:28.000 You get to the toilet, and it's like, because I eat a lot of salad, you know, my shit goes quick. 0.99

01:47:32.000 So it's like, ugh. 1.00

01:47:33.000 Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

01:47:35.000 Blah. 0.99

01:47:36.000 See, my shit's always involved investigating and identifying. 0.99

01:47:39.000 What? 1.00

01:47:41.000 You go and look at your poop? 0.97

01:47:42.000 Well, that's because Brian, you have to tell Brian that Brian has blood and his poop. 0.93

01:47:47.000 What?

01:47:47.000 No.

01:47:48.000 I get that once in a while.

01:47:50.000 That's all right.

01:47:50.000 Somebody doesn't want to talk about things.

01:47:52.000 I made that up.

01:47:53.000 I made that up.

01:47:54.000 No.

01:47:55.000 All right.

01:47:57.000 Once I had a hemorrhoid and I had to get a...

01:47:59.000 I already talked about that.

01:47:59.000 Internal hemorrhoid.

01:48:00.000 Yeah, internal hemorrhoid.

01:48:01.000 Yeah, you did talk about that.

01:48:02.000 I already talked about that.

01:48:03.000 So that's why I have to investigate.

01:48:05.000 I get polluted poops sometimes, I just like it.

01:48:07.000 Whoa! 0.71

01:48:08.000 What?

01:48:08.000 It's just interesting to me.

01:48:09.000 I find out when I go to wife, I'm like, oh, was that a wetter? 0.82

01:48:11.000 I was like, oh, no, it's super wet.

01:48:13.000 Did I ever tell you a story about...

01:48:14.000 I just like it.

01:48:15.000 It doesn't hurt, though.

01:48:15.000 Did I ever tell you a story about when I first started wearing a cup in jiu-jitsu?

01:48:19.000 I didn't used to wear a cup, and I had to start wearing a cup because I was rolling with Einstein. 0.99

01:48:24.000 And he was trying to pass my guard and he slammed his knee right into my dick. 1.00

01:48:29.000 Like, not even really my... 1.00

01:48:30.000 The shin hit my balls, but the knee hit the dick. 1.00

01:48:33.000 But that pass, I'm surprised I didn't have it a lot more. 0.99

01:48:35.000 Brian, why are you covering your head?

01:48:36.000 Because I hate this story.

01:48:37.000 Oh, okay.

01:48:38.000 Sorry.

01:48:38.000 But people have to hear it.

01:48:40.000 He slammed it in my dick. 1.00

01:48:41.000 It hurt so much. 1.00

01:48:43.000 It was so fucking painful. 0.96

01:48:45.000 I wait until I feel better. 0.98

01:48:47.000 I take a couple of minutes to catch my breath and then we start rolling again.

01:48:50.000 I didn't think anything of it until I get changed.

01:48:52.000 I go in the locker room and I go to take my gi pants off. 0.66

01:48:56.000 And I go to take my underwear or my jockstrap off and it's filled with blood.

01:49:01.000 Filled with blood. 0.99

01:49:02.000 Blood is leaking out of the tip of my dick. 1.00

01:49:04.000 And I'm like, oh my god, I broke my dick. 1.00

01:49:07.000 So then I go into the bathroom and pee. 0.99

01:49:08.000 So I go to pee and blood is just coming right out of the tip of my dick. 0.99

01:49:12.000 Blood and urine. 0.99

01:49:13.000 So then I started thinking about it.

01:49:15.000 I go, okay, I got a problem.

01:49:16.000 I got to do something now.

01:49:17.000 I got a problem. 1.00

01:49:18.000 I might have to get my dick fixed. 1.00

01:49:20.000 I'm like, holy shit. 1.00

01:49:20.000 And then I thought about it. 1.00

01:49:21.000 I'm like, okay, but wait a minute.

01:49:23.000 If this was my nose, if blood was coming out of my nose, would I do anything about it? 0.98

01:49:26.000 No, I wouldn't do shit about it. 0.91

01:49:27.000 I would just let it heal. 1.00

01:49:28.000 Okay, let's just let your dick heal and see how it goes. 1.00

01:49:31.000 So I get home that night and I say, well, I don't know, man. 1.00

01:49:34.000 Maybe I should go to the fucking doctor. 0.99

01:49:35.000 Okay, if my dick can get hard, I'm not gonna go to the doctor. 1.00

01:49:38.000 So I jerked off. 1.00

01:49:39.000 I jerked off and I shot a bloody load. 0.99

01:49:41.000 Is it pink? 0.99

01:49:42.000 No, it's like a chicken egg that has the embryo in it.

01:49:46.000 You know what I'm talking about?

01:49:47.000 You get a chicken egg and the embryo's in it, it's like a little bloody stream of blood.

01:49:51.000 That's what it's like.

01:49:52.000 That's in the Philippines.

01:49:53.000 Yeah. 0.95

01:49:53.000 Now, Balut is like an actual embryo, like a big-ass one. 0.95

01:49:57.000 Much more close to...

01:49:58.000 Kosher, if you get one drop of blood, which you get all the time, in an egg, throw it out.

01:50:03.000 You can't use it. 1.00

01:50:03.000 You guys are gay. 1.00

01:50:06.000 No, it makes sense. 1.00

01:50:07.000 You don't know what the fuck happened. 0.99

01:50:08.000 That thing's bleeding in there, and that blood is just sitting... 0.99

01:50:10.000 Well, then it means it's human life. 0.99

01:50:11.000 It has to be killed differently. 0.94

01:50:12.000 A human life? 0.99

01:50:12.000 A chicken life, yeah. 0.99

01:50:13.000 Yeah, well, not only that, it's probably smart for, like, health reasons.

01:50:16.000 That blood is just sitting in that egg.

01:50:18.000 I think an egg can keep probably better than blood can.

01:50:21.000 I mean, that's just speculation. 0.99

01:50:24.000 But anyway, bottom line is I jerked off to see if my dick was okay. 1.00

01:50:28.000 And I... No, it didn't feel that good. 0.99

01:50:33.000 It wasn't like the best jerk-off session I've ever had.

01:50:37.000 But then the next day, I peed blood a couple more times.

01:50:39.000 I peed blood just a little bit less every time for like three days.

01:50:43.000 And then I stopped.

01:50:44.000 There was no more blood.

01:50:44.000 And I said, I think it's okay.

01:50:45.000 I think it would have only taken one day and I would have freaked out.

01:50:48.000 Well, it didn't hurt.

01:50:50.000 Did you Google it at all?

01:50:51.000 No, no.

01:50:52.000 Thank God.

01:50:56.000 What I was worried about was that it was going to break. 0.99

01:50:58.000 I was like, my dick is not going to work anymore. 0.99

01:51:01.000 I'm infinite. 1.00

01:51:03.000 We have to cut it off! 1.00

01:51:04.000 Imagine if you got gangrene, if it rotted and you had to hack your dick off. 1.00

01:51:08.000 They have to rebuild one. 0.99

01:51:09.000 They have to take a chunk of meat out of your forearm. 1.00

01:51:11.000 I saw that online. 1.00

01:51:13.000 A dude had his dick rebuilt. 1.00

01:51:14.000 Or maybe it was like a woman who had a dick rebuilt to become a man. 1.00

01:51:17.000 A fake dick. 1.00

01:51:18.000 That's so crazy. 1.00

01:51:20.000 Wouldn't you be concerned at all at the time?

01:51:22.000 And I'm not joking.

01:51:23.000 That the doctor would be like, if you hadn't gotten hard so fast, we'd be okay.

01:51:27.000 But the fact that it broke that seal or something, you weren't worried about that.

01:51:30.000 I was thinking that maybe my loads would purify whatever injury I had in there.

01:51:34.000 My soldiers would go to work on it, patch it up.

01:51:38.000 I thought urine would do that.

01:51:39.000 I think, you know, urine is supposed to heal things. 0.99

01:51:41.000 So if you pee and you have a little wound inside your dick, it's probably good to piss out blood. 0.99

01:51:46.000 It probably cleans it out. 0.99

01:51:47.000 Yeah, urine's sterile.

01:51:50.000 It's good for you.

01:51:51.000 I bet it probably does.

01:51:53.000 But that was a close call.

01:51:54.000 So from then on, I wear a cup. 0.99

01:51:57.000 So, no blood in my shit, but some bloody loads. 1.00

01:52:01.000 Some bloody peepee. 1.00

01:52:02.000 I'm so glad I don't do shit. 1.00

01:52:05.000 Yeah, it's beautiful. 0.99

01:52:06.000 Beautiful.

01:52:06.000 You're so glad what?

01:52:07.000 I don't do shit that involves having to wear a cup so people won't hit my nuts so I don't pee blood. 0.99

01:52:12.000 Yeah, well... 0.99

01:52:13.000 I never wore one.

01:52:14.000 I never wore one.

01:52:15.000 Jiu-jitsu, you should wear one, dude.

01:52:17.000 I'll get an extra one, I'll give it to you.

01:52:18.000 I'll never ever wear it, I swear.

01:52:20.000 That sounds fishy.

01:52:23.000 Why does it smell like Bengay? 0.98

01:52:24.000 Nothing.

01:52:26.000 I've tried it on, dude. 0.99

01:52:27.000 Why is it smear it with fucking Dave's Insanity Sauce and it won't even kick in until you start sweating? 0.98

01:52:33.000 Could you imagine? 0.99

01:52:34.000 Oh my god. 1.00

01:52:35.000 Your dick would be on fire. 1.00

01:52:37.000 I pissed once after I had a burrito with Dave's Insanity Sauce and I just... 1.00

01:52:41.000 I don't know. 0.99

01:52:42.000 I must have got some residue on my finger and I touched the head of my dick and it was like... 0.99

01:52:46.000 it was melting. 1.00

01:52:48.000 Like a Mexican blowjob. 1.00

01:52:51.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:52:52.000 It's like that problem.

01:52:53.000 Did I tell you about the sunflower seed peppers?

01:52:55.000 Sunflower seed peppers?

01:52:56.000 When I was in Israel, they had these huge sunflower seeds that looked that big.

01:52:59.000 And so people would always take them from me when I was sitting at my desk.

01:53:01.000 So I wanted to punish the people who didn't ask.

01:53:02.000 So I spent all day and I crushed up habanero peppers.

01:53:06.000 That's awesome.

01:53:06.000 Took the seeds out and put one seed inside each sunflower seed.

01:53:10.000 And then if people, I would leave that in front.

01:53:11.000 So if people ask, I'm like, no, no, here's the normal ones. 0.98

01:53:13.000 But if they wouldn't, they'd just fucking get it. 0.81

01:53:15.000 Most people can't stand the heat. 0.99

01:53:16.000 But did not wash off my hands, peed, and just had to shower with my pants around my ankles.

01:53:24.000 It's like this.

01:53:25.000 And you're like, what's happening?

01:53:28.000 You put soap on it. 1.00

01:53:29.000 How about dudes who get their dick tattooed? 1.00

01:53:32.000 What the fuck, man? 1.00

01:53:36.000 The sensitive area hasn't built up any tolerance to anything. 1.00

01:53:40.000 Maybe it feels really good.

01:53:42.000 Maybe it feels awesome. 1.00

01:53:43.000 Getting your dick tattooed? 1.00

01:53:44.000 Yeah, maybe it's just like hard sex. 1.00

01:53:45.000 But probably not. 0.98

01:53:46.000 Hard tattoos hurt. 1.00

01:53:47.000 Brian wants to get fucked. 1.00

01:53:48.000 That's what he's trying to say. 1.00

01:53:49.000 I wonder if anybody's tattooed a dick and had him cum on them. 1.00

01:53:54.000 Who cares if that happened? 1.00

01:53:58.000 They definitely have gotten hard before their tattoos.

01:54:02.000 That's definitely happened.

01:54:03.000 Not even on purpose.

01:54:05.000 It could just be incidental. 0.99

01:54:06.000 Especially like really crazy, freaky, gay bondage type dudes. 1.00

01:54:09.000 Has Bravo been on that tattoo show yet? 0.98

01:54:11.000 I don't know if it's aired.

01:54:14.000 I don't know.

01:54:16.000 I think they filmed the whole season in advance.

01:54:18.000 He just did it a couple months ago. 0.99

01:54:19.000 That's a good ass tattoo. 0.98

01:54:21.000 She's a really good artist. 0.99

01:54:22.000 Eddie Bravo got his grandmother tattooed on his chest.

01:54:25.000 It's incredible.

01:54:26.000 By Kat Von D. Incredible artwork, man. 0.96

01:54:29.000 I fucking love those tattoos. 0.93

01:54:31.000 I don't have any of them, but I love those portraits. 0.98

01:54:34.000 I think it'd be creepy.

01:54:35.000 It is creepy.

01:54:37.000 Unless it means something for Eddie, his grandmother was the person who really cared about him when he was a kid.

01:54:43.000 Some dude that went to high school with you.

01:54:45.000 That would be nuts!

01:54:46.000 Imagine if you went to high school with a kid and then all of a sudden you run into him and he's got you tattooed on his arm.

01:54:51.000 He'd be like, listen man, it's ironic.

01:54:52.000 We just picked you out of the yearbook at random.

01:54:54.000 Don't be weird about it. 1.00

01:54:56.000 You ever see that crazy bitch that's got, I'm gonna kill you, Ray Romano, tattooed on her back? 1.00

01:54:59.000 No. 1.00

01:55:00.000 Does she hate Ray Romano?

01:55:01.000 No, she just did it because, you know, Everybody Loves Raymond was out.

01:55:04.000 Oh.

01:55:05.000 Did you get that tattooed?

01:55:07.000 Tattooed as a tramp stamp. 1.00

01:55:08.000 It says, I'm gonna kill you, Ray Romano. 0.99

01:55:10.000 And so she's taking pictures out? 0.99

01:55:11.000 Oh yeah, it's on the internet.

01:55:13.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:55:13.000 How crazy is that bitch? 1.00

01:55:14.000 I mean, if that bitch ever has kids, the kids can never take her seriously. 1.00

01:55:18.000 Like, Mom, listen to me, you dumbass. 1.00

01:55:19.000 You've got, I'm gonna kill you Ray Romano on your fucking back. 1.00

01:55:22.000 Who's Ray Romano? 1.00

01:55:23.000 Like, that was a popular sitcom. 1.00

01:55:25.000 Bad decisions, you dumb bitch. 1.00

01:55:28.000 That might have been your best impression, Brian. 1.00

01:55:30.000 Hey, it's Kermit the Frog!

01:55:36.000 He's hilarious.

01:55:37.000 That guy, I started working with him way, way back in the early 90s.

01:55:40.000 We did Jimmy's Comedy Alley in, I think it was in Queens, somewhere in New York.

01:55:46.000 I think it was in Queens.

01:55:48.000 He was the headliner, I was the middle.

01:55:50.000 I got to see him when he was at his peak.

01:55:53.000 He was a really, really good stand-up man.

01:55:55.000 When he came back to it, he was good still.

01:55:56.000 He was always good.

01:55:58.000 He's just got great delivery.

01:56:01.000 He's a super nice guy.

01:56:04.000 Is he super clean back now?

01:56:05.000 Yeah, he's always been kind of clean.

01:56:07.000 I mean, not completely clean.

01:56:09.000 He did a bit on Kevin and Bean's show last year.

01:56:11.000 The April Foolishness.

01:56:13.000 Hilarious bit about if guys could blow ourselves, we would have to wear a dog collar.

01:56:18.000 It was really funny.

01:56:19.000 To get more into it?

01:56:20.000 No, so you couldn't keep your husband from blowing himself.

01:56:23.000 You would have to put out one of those dog collars on.

01:56:25.000 It was very funny, man.

01:56:26.000 It was a really good bit.

01:56:27.000 That I meant like Bond or something?

01:56:29.000 No, no, no.

01:56:29.000 It was very funny.

01:56:31.000 And he had a bunch of good stuff, you know.

01:56:33.000 Just, I mean, even stuff like about his son pooping, you know, you'd think it's like his innocent job, but it's really well-worded and great timing and a really good economy of words.

01:56:43.000 He's a really good craftsman, you know, with his material.

01:56:46.000 That's why his show was so funny.

01:56:47.000 That guy, I met him...

01:56:49.000 You know, years and years ago.

01:56:50.000 Did you steal his job?

01:56:51.000 I did.

01:56:52.000 I didn't steal it.

01:56:52.000 Somebody else stole it.

01:56:53.000 I know.

01:56:53.000 Luckily, somebody else stole it.

01:56:54.000 I stole it from that guy.

01:56:55.000 Oh, the guy in the pilot stole it?

01:56:56.000 Yes, yes.

01:56:57.000 He got it, and then they fired.

01:56:58.000 They didn't want him for the actual show, and then they hired me.

01:57:00.000 That's what happened.

01:57:01.000 So I didn't feel bad.

01:57:02.000 There was already a guy before me.

01:57:03.000 I just took it from him.

01:57:04.000 But Ray was a friend, you know, so it was weird to run into him, you know.

01:57:08.000 But then all of a sudden he got his show, which was like a hundred times more successful than his radio.

01:57:12.000 And it was perfect because he controlled the whole thing.

01:57:14.000 And when we were hanging out when we first got the show, it was me and him and Kevin, Kevin James, we were all eating dinner at Jerry's Deli.

01:57:21.000 And Ray was like obsessed with it.

01:57:23.000 Maybe if I have the guy come in like this and just kept going.

01:57:27.000 He was like obsessed.

01:57:27.000 That's his own show?

01:57:28.000 Yeah, just putting it together perfectly.

01:57:30.000 He was really trying to construct it in his head.

01:57:33.000 He was obsessed with it.

01:57:34.000 It wasn't any good luck at all with him.

01:57:38.000 I heard with him that he had taped this HBO special back when it really meant something.

01:57:42.000 And they were holding it for like a year, year and a half.

01:57:45.000 Where they're like, no, we're not ready to release yet because we want to do this.

01:57:46.000 And he's like, I'm broke.

01:57:49.000 I need some money.

01:57:50.000 Please, people will see it.

01:57:51.000 Right.

01:57:52.000 Well, that's always a concern.

01:57:53.000 For those stories, I have no idea.

01:57:54.000 That's always a concern.

01:57:55.000 When you have a special and you film it, you don't own it.

01:57:58.000 And this is back before the internet.

01:58:00.000 You know? 0.98

01:58:00.000 You could really get crazy and go, you know, I'm gonna fucking release this on the internet. 0.98

01:58:03.000 You guys can suck my dick if you're really crazy. 1.00

01:58:06.000 You know, if they caught you though, you'd be fucked. 1.00

01:58:08.000 They caught you and they could prove that you took away the profits for your own thing. 1.00

01:58:12.000 Like, they pulled my shit from YouTube. 1.00

01:58:14.000 My own shit. 1.00

01:58:15.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:58:16.000 I've had that.

01:58:17.000 Yeah.

01:58:18.000 That's nuts.

01:58:19.000 When your own bits get pulled off your own YouTube page.

01:58:21.000 Brian gave me advice.

01:58:22.000 He has a copyright infringement.

01:58:23.000 He heard the HBO study.

01:58:23.000 He said, don't say HBO. They'll do searches for that.

01:58:26.000 Ah, that's very smart.

01:58:27.000 Of Briar.

01:58:28.000 That's right.

01:58:30.000 Yeah, do you put that up online, your HBO set?

01:58:33.000 Some of it.

01:58:34.000 Are they going to do more of those, the Down and Dirties? 0.70

01:58:36.000 No.

01:58:37.000 No more?

01:58:37.000 No.

01:58:38.000 They didn't like it?

01:58:39.000 I didn't think they got ratings or something.

01:58:42.000 They didn't promote it very well either.

01:58:44.000 Yeah, not really.

01:58:44.000 HBO does not really handle comedy that well.

01:58:47.000 It's just what they decided to promote.

01:58:49.000 Yeah, what they decided to promote.

01:58:50.000 But too often, like, It seems like they're just trying to put things that are, like, different.

01:58:54.000 It's not like...

01:58:55.000 That new one is all sober comedy.

01:58:57.000 That's a new series with Boss and Norton.

01:59:00.000 Oh, really?

01:59:01.000 They're all sober people.

01:59:03.000 The good thing about that is a lot of the guys that are sober are sober for a reason.

01:59:06.000 Oh, right.

01:59:06.000 Yeah, absolutely.

01:59:07.000 So they've got some great stories.

01:59:09.000 Yeah.

01:59:09.000 Oh, no, it ain't church sobriety.

01:59:11.000 This is like, I fucked up my life sobriety. 0.99

01:59:13.000 There's a lot of dudes like that. 0.96

01:59:15.000 There was a lot of dudes that were doing the clean, clean Christians of comedy. 0.98

01:59:19.000 Christian tour, yeah.

01:59:20.000 Making bank loads.

01:59:21.000 Oh my god.

01:59:22.000 And they would do like arenas.

01:59:24.000 They would do arenas. 0.70

01:59:25.000 Like big church arenas in the south. 1.00

01:59:26.000 Like giant fucking places. 1.00

01:59:28.000 And just terrible, terrible hat-kneed coffee. 0.99

01:59:31.000 And he came in and he said, ma'am, that's not my hat.

01:59:35.000 Seriously though.

01:59:36.000 It's all for him.

01:59:37.000 It's all for Chris.

01:59:40.000 This is a big push for that with a lot of people.

01:59:43.000 They want the lowest standard possible.

01:59:46.000 You're going to broadcast the lowest possible standard.

01:59:51.000 And there's so many people that want to hear that, whether it's in country music or it's Sarah Palin talking.

01:59:56.000 They want no difference between you and them.

01:59:59.000 You're just as smart as them.

02:00:01.000 You don't talk down.

02:00:03.000 You talk them up and make them out to be much more than they really are.

02:00:06.000 And if you're religious, it's for the grace of God or whatever, they get into it.

02:00:11.000 It's so crazy. 1.00

02:00:12.000 It's so spooky that our culture has made things so easy for idiots to survive. 1.00

02:00:20.000 There's so many people that do so many different things that are so useless, and they're going to be replaced by robots. 1.00

02:00:25.000 He said, on The Simpsons, Ned Flairness went to watch a comedy concert, and he goes, that was the worst Christian rock concert I've ever seen! 0.64

02:00:32.000 And he goes, so many F words!

02:00:37.000 That's hilarious.

02:00:38.000 Oh, that's hilarious.

02:00:40.000 The worst Christian rock show ever. 1.00

02:00:42.000 That's hilarious.

02:00:43.000 Yeah, I just think... 0.78

02:00:45.000 It's so easy to be a retard these days because there's so many other people that you join with.

02:00:49.000 Did you ever see the video? 0.83

02:00:50.000 I think the guy was a comic who interviewed these people waiting to see Sarah Palin at a book signing. 0.98

02:00:58.000 Fucking giant line of people and it's like three degrees outside. 0.98

02:01:01.000 They're freezing their ass off and they're waiting for hours to come in and meet Sarah Palin. 0.99

02:01:05.000 And so this dude goes and interviews them and asks them questions.

02:01:07.000 What do you like about Ms. Palin's policies? 1.00

02:01:09.000 It's all the same nonsense.

02:01:11.000 Nobody has a clue.

02:01:13.000 But in all fairness, I've seen the same thing with Obama.

02:01:16.000 You know, when they interview people that are into Obama, they just know he's black and he's talking really good.

02:01:22.000 He's good.

02:01:22.000 Who did the thing?

02:01:24.000 I think it was Baba Booey or Stuttering John or something.

02:01:27.000 It might have been Stern or it might have been Leno.

02:01:28.000 It might have been someone else completely.

02:01:30.000 But they went downtown and asked about, what do you think about Obama?

02:01:35.000 What do you think of his running mate, Sarah Palin? 1.00

02:01:36.000 People are like, I think she's great.

02:01:38.000 I think she's great.

02:01:38.000 Are you a Democrat or Republican?

02:01:40.000 They're like, Republican.

02:01:41.000 And they're like, what about, you know...

02:01:42.000 You know, it's been like that forever.

02:01:44.000 I watched that Gonzo, that Dr. Hunter S. Thompson, back in the 1970s when he was writing Feeder and Loathing on the campaign trail.

02:01:52.000 It was the same thing.

02:01:53.000 They were asking all these different people, like, who are you voting for? 0.99

02:01:55.000 No one had a fucking clue. 0.99

02:01:57.000 Yeah, why? 0.99

02:01:57.000 Exactly. 0.99

02:01:58.000 No, not that guy.

02:01:59.000 Okay?

02:02:00.000 No, not that guy. 1.00

02:02:02.000 Who the fuck are you voting for? 1.00

02:02:03.000 And that guy's vote counts. 1.00

02:02:04.000 Just as much as a scholar.

02:02:06.000 Yeah, they're like, Obama, so you know he wants to go to war with Iraq more.

02:02:09.000 How do you feel about that?

02:02:10.000 Well, I'm for it.

02:02:11.000 Do you think that Obama has any say? 0.99

02:02:14.000 Or do you think it's all horseshit? 0.97

02:02:15.000 What do you think literally happens when you win? 0.89

02:02:18.000 Do you think that you've been briefed before you ever win?

02:02:21.000 I said, this is what's going to happen.

02:02:22.000 You're going to be given an agenda.

02:02:24.000 You're going to be asked to follow certain protocol.

02:02:27.000 You will consult with these people before any decision, before any press conference, it will be reviewed.

02:02:32.000 I think there's some of that, but I think they're also just met with With checks and balances, it's way harder to get things done than you think.

02:02:39.000 Right.

02:02:40.000 You have to make allegiances, and you have to give certain things in order to get all...

02:02:43.000 Definitely.

02:02:45.000 There's definitely a lot of that.

02:02:46.000 And if you want to just get something done, it's not that easy.

02:02:48.000 No.

02:02:49.000 No, it's not.

02:02:50.000 But what's with him saying that he wants... 1.00

02:02:53.000 Was it all bullshit? 0.99

02:02:54.000 That he didn't want to have troops over there? 0.99

02:02:55.000 And then all of a sudden he pulls them out of Iraq and sends them off to Afghanistan. 0.97

02:02:58.000 What does that all do?

02:02:59.000 Because I think he realized, like, oh, I can't just pull them out.

02:03:02.000 That creates a vacuum of power that will be, you know, terrible.

02:03:05.000 And what I wanted to do, now I know more and I can't do it.

02:03:07.000 Is that what it does?

02:03:08.000 You know, I think what they've got to do at some point in time, they've got to have some...

02:03:12.000 If they really want to get people to like the United States and other countries, there has to be some massive goodwill operation.

02:03:20.000 Where we go to these impoverished countries, these places that have been wrecked by war, by devastation, by all these different things that are going on, and we have to help the fuck out of them.

02:03:29.000 Because if we don't do that, then other people are going to look at us and go, why would we look up to the United States?

02:03:35.000 Just because it used to be?

02:03:36.000 Just because it's the biggest superpower?

02:03:38.000 Because they have the most missiles? 0.99

02:03:39.000 Why would we give a fuck about them? 0.98

02:03:41.000 And if the people at the very top aren't the most generous, then the whole system below you seems unfair and people get fucking pissed off. 0.97

02:03:48.000 There's something in the Old Testament where it's the light unto the nations.

02:03:52.000 Lead by example of what you want them to do. 0.99

02:03:55.000 Sure, if you're in that position, if you're in the position to be generous, if you're in the position to help, We're just ganking shit. 0.99

02:04:02.000 That's the problem. 0.99

02:04:03.000 We want the oil. 1.00

02:04:04.000 Fuck you. 1.00

02:04:05.000 Give us that natural gas. 1.00

02:04:06.000 Suck it. 1.00

02:04:07.000 Where's those poppy seeds? 1.00

02:04:08.000 Where's the heroin grown?

02:04:09.000 Right here? 1.00

02:04:10.000 Shut the fuck up and sit down. 1.00

02:04:11.000 We're bringing in guns and tanks and fucking jets and we're going to have spaceships that fly around you by remote control and shoot missiles into canyons and shit. 1.00

02:04:20.000 Dude, you ever watch those videos online? 1.00

02:04:22.000 They have videos of them launching missiles from, like, helicopters and shit with these people that are walking with donkeys. 1.00

02:04:28.000 I mean, it's fucking nuts, man. 1.00

02:04:30.000 Should be walking there. 0.99

02:04:31.000 They're walking.

02:04:31.000 You see them, like, walking up the hill.

02:04:33.000 Like, we've got the target.

02:04:34.000 Shall we engage?

02:04:36.000 And you see it, like, in this, like, infrared.

02:04:37.000 Do they have arms in the donkey's cage or something? 1.00

02:04:39.000 Who the fuck knows what they're doing? 1.00

02:04:40.000 I mean, you know, it could have been somebody who just said the wrong thing to some fucking general. 1.00

02:04:43.000 Who knows? 0.97

02:04:44.000 I don't know what they did.

02:04:44.000 I mean, I'm just watching a video.

02:04:45.000 It could be that they're some high-level operatives and they're moving through their secret cave hideouts. 0.99

02:04:51.000 Who the fuck knows? 0.99

02:04:52.000 John Heffron's watching. 1.00

02:04:53.000 Powerful John Heffron.

02:04:56.000 Also, the comedy club at Skyline Comedy in Wisconsin.

02:05:00.000 What are you saying?

02:05:02.000 Skyline Comedy Club is watching and they come to Appleton, Wisconsin.

02:05:07.000 Where's John Heffron playing next?

02:05:09.000 Where is John Heffron playing next?

02:05:11.000 I've only been to Wisconsin once and went to some crazy summer festival that they have.

02:05:15.000 Really?

02:05:16.000 Yeah, it was awesome.

02:05:17.000 It was an outside and a tent.

02:05:18.000 Thousands of people.

02:05:19.000 Was it awesome outside?

02:05:20.000 Yeah, it was a really great crowd. 0.99

02:05:22.000 But it was like a lot of people with babies and shit. 1.00

02:05:25.000 And I'm saying, oh, it was nasty shit. 1.00

02:05:26.000 I'm like, I'm sorry, folks. 1.00

02:05:28.000 Babies don't bother me nearly as much as a ten-year-old.

02:05:30.000 Yeah, there was kids too, man.

02:05:32.000 There was everybody. 0.99

02:05:32.000 And I did all my shit because there was a lot of young people in the front. 0.99

02:05:36.000 There was a majority. 1.00

02:05:37.000 It was like hundreds and hundreds of young people.

02:05:39.000 And then behind them, there was like a mixed bag. 1.00

02:05:41.000 But the people that were sitting were all like, you know, your average comedy club audience.

02:05:45.000 There was just a bunch of people outside.

02:05:46.000 And the people were standing up and walking around.

02:05:48.000 And it's in a big, giant tent.

02:05:49.000 It was so strange.

02:05:51.000 But I only did it once because I was too dirty.

02:05:52.000 They would not have me back.

02:05:55.000 John Hefron's in Atlanta.

02:05:57.000 Where's he at?

02:05:58.000 Punchline?

02:05:58.000 Punchline.

02:05:59.000 Powerful John Hefron.

02:06:00.000 Very, very funny guy.

02:06:02.000 Funnier every time I see him.

02:06:04.000 Go see him.

02:06:06.000 John Hefron's great.

02:06:07.000 He should come to Arizona.

02:06:08.000 Well, I think John Hefron will tell you that he would love to come to Arizona if the improv comes with the shekels. 1.00

02:06:15.000 You know what I'm saying?

02:06:16.000 You gotta come with the shekels for my man, John Hefron.

02:06:19.000 So what do you think about Lil Wayne?

02:06:21.000 Lil Wayne went to jail.

02:06:23.000 It's about time.

02:06:24.000 You think so?

02:06:25.000 Just another one. 0.67

02:06:27.000 Ari, Lil Wayne, he is crazy tattooed up.

02:06:31.000 Have you seen how much he's tattooed up?

02:06:32.000 Yeah, his whole body's done. 0.98

02:06:33.000 Yeah, we gotta put that online for people who haven't seen it, because it's fucking bizarre. 0.96

02:06:38.000 Like, it's so crazy. 0.94

02:06:39.000 Like, it's hard to believe that this dude has this many tattoos. 0.99

02:06:42.000 I mean, like, his whole body's fucking tattooed. 0.99

02:06:47.000 Oh... 1.00

02:06:50.000 Shut the fuck up. 1.00

02:06:51.000 We're looking for Lil Wayne tattoos. 1.00

02:06:53.000 I got so much shit to do. 0.99

02:06:57.000 What do you have to do? 1.00

02:06:58.000 I have to go to Macy's.

02:06:59.000 Okay.

02:07:00.000 Sounds hard.

02:07:00.000 What are you going to do there?

02:07:03.000 Right away, I would never trade lives with you.

02:07:05.000 Right off the bat.

02:07:06.000 That just sounds so horrible that there's no way I wish that upon my worst enemy.

02:07:10.000 Okay.

02:07:10.000 Gotta go to Macy's.

02:07:11.000 Gotta go to Macy's.

02:07:12.000 Yeah.

02:07:14.000 It's hard to find a new one.

02:07:16.000 Oh, here's a good one.

02:07:17.000 Here's a good new one. 0.99

02:07:18.000 God damn, this dude's got a lot of tattoos. 1.00

02:07:20.000 Look at this shit. 1.00

02:07:21.000 Oh my god! 1.00

02:07:24.000 That's incredible.

02:07:25.000 Cash money?

02:07:26.000 Yeah.

02:07:27.000 Nice.

02:07:28.000 This is incredible.

02:07:31.000 He's in a position where it really just doesn't matter.

02:07:35.000 He's not going to get a job.

02:07:36.000 Yeah, well, he doesn't have to get a job ever.

02:07:40.000 Man, that's nuts.

02:07:42.000 I'll put this up on tour It's crazy man The dude just went off and tattooed his whole body.

02:07:58.000 That's like a big trailer right now.

02:07:59.000 Did he do it all at once?

02:07:59.000 No.

02:08:00.000 I don't know, man.

02:08:01.000 Soldier Boy seems to have.

02:08:02.000 That Soldier Boy dude did the same thing.

02:08:04.000 Tattooed his face, tattooed his hands, tattooed his chest, his whole arms.

02:08:08.000 I mean, he just went nutty.

02:08:10.000 If you're Googling Soulja Boy, you can't find it.

02:08:12.000 You're spelling it wrong.

02:08:13.000 Yeah, it's like a brother, Soulja, S-O-U-L-J-A. Holla!

02:08:19.000 And also Google Soulja Boy Ice Cream Kitty.

02:08:23.000 Ice Cream Kitty.

02:08:25.000 Yeah.

02:08:26.000 Powerful, Shafir. 0.91

02:08:27.000 Shafir, you gotta unblock me from your Twitter.

02:08:28.000 Don't be rude.

02:08:29.000 I can't even follow you.

02:08:30.000 You, uh...

02:08:31.000 I'm not rude. 0.99

02:08:32.000 You guys both fucking bug me too much. 0.99

02:08:35.000 We don't want to bug you. 0.99

02:08:35.000 You know we can still read it, right? 0.99

02:08:37.000 What?

02:08:37.000 You know we can still read it.

02:08:38.000 Whatever you want.

02:08:39.000 You don't have to go make a search for it.

02:08:40.000 I promise I won't bug you anymore.

02:08:42.000 No, it still lets you just go to your...

02:08:44.000 We can go to the website.

02:08:45.000 That's not true.

02:08:46.000 No, it does.

02:08:47.000 Oh, you go to the website, yeah.

02:08:48.000 It doesn't come up in your stream.

02:08:49.000 No, not on this.

02:08:50.000 Not on TweetDeck.

02:08:51.000 But we can always go to your page to see what you're up to.

02:08:53.000 Yeah.

02:08:54.000 Come on, man.

02:08:54.000 Put us back in.

02:08:55.000 But you can't fuck with me when I complain about wanting to commit suicide. 1.00

02:08:58.000 I won't. 1.00

02:08:58.000 I won't fuck with you about anything anymore. 1.00

02:08:59.000 Alright. 1.00

02:09:01.000 You don't really want to commit suicide.

02:09:03.000 You just want to be happier.

02:09:04.000 Right?

02:09:05.000 Wouldn't you rather if you had the two options?

02:09:07.000 Right.

02:09:08.000 Well, that's like saying you don't really want to throw a touchdown pass.

02:09:10.000 You just want to win.

02:09:12.000 However I get there is fine.

02:09:13.000 It's not like that.

02:09:14.000 I don't know if it's like that.

02:09:15.000 It's not like that at all.

02:09:17.000 Look at this.

02:09:17.000 Life's a gamble.

02:09:18.000 That's what Lil Wayne has to say about it.

02:09:20.000 His whole body's like a fortune cookie.

02:09:24.000 He's got little fortune cookie sayings all over his body.

02:09:27.000 Wow, that's so weird. 0.98

02:09:31.000 That's like really fucking really bad tattoos, man. 0.96

02:09:38.000 It's weird. 0.98

02:09:39.000 That's a real trend that guys are getting these really bad tattoos.

02:09:44.000 It's like prison tattoos. 0.99

02:09:45.000 But the crazy thing is he calls himself a gangster and all this crazy shit. 0.98

02:09:48.000 But he goes to jail and the first thing he did was go into protective custody. 0.98

02:09:52.000 Oh, because they're afraid of How do you do that?

02:09:55.000 Do you just apply?

02:09:57.000 That's a good question, man.

02:09:59.000 I think you just say, you know...

02:09:59.000 Does it have that in the plea ahead of time?

02:10:01.000 Like, you can't put him in general application?

02:10:02.000 You've got to say, my client is, you know, a very wealthy man who, you know, a lot of people could get a name off beating him up and he's not a very big man and he's concerned for his safety. 0.97

02:10:12.000 One of my favorite things is when idiots like us try to walk through the law and what we would say to a judge in order to get things done. 0.96

02:10:20.000 We're only going off old on-board episodes that we're sort of guessing. 0.99

02:10:24.000 Yeah, old episodes of The Fall Guide.

02:10:26.000 I think what you would have to do is tell a judge, Your Honor.

02:10:30.000 Do you remember when TV shows had you convinced that you could tell, like, if a cop was, like, an undercover cop, you'd say, Are you a cop?

02:10:38.000 And they'd have to tell you the truth.

02:10:39.000 What?

02:10:39.000 Yeah, I'm a cop.

02:10:41.000 Shit, you got me. 1.00

02:10:42.000 You got off this time, lefty. 1.00

02:10:44.000 But next time, you're not.

02:10:44.000 Are you?

02:10:45.000 Yeah, they would never answer that right.

02:10:47.000 You guys are never gonna trick me.

02:10:48.000 Like, what?

02:10:49.000 They would never do that.

02:10:51.000 They don't have to tell you they're cops. 0.99

02:10:52.000 That's ridiculous. 1.00

02:10:53.000 If you're doing something illegal, a cop can let you do that illegal shit. 1.00

02:10:56.000 They can do illegal shit with you. 1.00

02:10:58.000 They can do fucking cocaine with you to arrest you for cocaine. 1.00

02:11:01.000 How about that? 1.00

02:11:02.000 That's legal.

02:11:02.000 They can get away with it.

02:11:04.000 Yeah.

02:11:04.000 How nutty is that?

02:11:05.000 Because if they go undercover, they're going to have to do drugs with you.

02:11:08.000 If you're doing drugs and you want to be a part of some motorcycle gang, and the motorcycle gang is doing drugs, you've got to do drugs with you.

02:11:13.000 There's no way you're not going to be able to.

02:11:14.000 But yeah, on TV, they'll be like, I don't know, and just dump it off a side with a one special episode where they had to do it.

02:11:19.000 Yes, exactly.

02:11:20.000 They throw it, they fake it.

02:11:21.000 Oh, amazing stuff.

02:11:22.000 Give you an antidote pill.

02:11:23.000 This will immediately nullify the cocaine.

02:11:25.000 So as soon as you take it, make your way into the bathroom.

02:11:28.000 They almost got a degree of drugs.

02:11:29.000 Great for job interviews.

02:11:30.000 Yeah, exactly.

02:11:31.000 I mean, You hear about that all the time with DEA agents. 0.99

02:11:36.000 The DEA agents get addicted to drugs because they have to do them with these fucking people to get in with them. 1.00

02:11:40.000 And then also I think they just see that fucking lifestyle and they become crazy. 1.00

02:11:44.000 They see how many people are getting away with it. 0.99

02:11:45.000 I think if you were in the position to really be investigating drugs in this country, you would see there's so much drugs coming in.

02:11:52.000 It's like An unstoppable force.

02:11:54.000 And he would start wondering, what are we putting our resources towards? 0.99

02:11:57.000 Why isn't this shit legal where they can tax it and make money off of it? 0.99

02:12:00.000 You know, why can't they just go after the illegal people? 1.00

02:12:02.000 It's just like prohibition. 0.97

02:12:03.000 When prohibition happened in the 30s, all that shit did, or in the 20s, it was like, what was it then? 0.95

02:12:09.000 Like 1933 or something like that? 0.98

02:12:10.000 All it did was just made people that were more dangerous sell it.

02:12:15.000 Made people that weren't afraid to break the law.

02:12:18.000 It just made organized crime stronger.

02:12:19.000 It kept it out of a lot of people's hands.

02:12:21.000 It must have.

02:12:22.000 Do you think so?

02:12:23.000 Yes, it must have.

02:12:24.000 I don't know, man.

02:12:24.000 I think it made people angry about getting busted with it and selling it, but I think people want to get drunk.

02:12:29.000 Most people don't, I know, but aren't going to break the law or really risk it, you know?

02:12:32.000 There's a lot of people who are like, oh, I guess we can't have it anymore.

02:12:35.000 I mean, did you ever research it or are you just speculating?

02:12:37.000 I'm just speculating, completely.

02:12:38.000 But if they made cigarettes illegal, completely illegal, there's a lot of people who would stop smoking. 0.99

02:12:41.000 I wonder if it would be like Catholic schoolgirls and being whores. 1.00

02:12:45.000 Right. 1.00

02:12:45.000 Because not all whores, though. 1.00

02:12:47.000 They're not all those. 0.96

02:12:48.000 There's a disproportionate amount.

02:12:50.000 Let me tell you something.

02:12:50.000 Growing up around a lot of Catholic school girls, it was common knowledge amongst my friends that Catholic school girls...

02:12:55.000 That's crazy.

02:12:56.000 Because religious Jewish school? 0.83

02:12:58.000 No, they're not. 0.99

02:12:59.000 Well, I think Catholicism is so ridiculous that I think even like... 1.00

02:13:03.000 Look, when you're dealing with a religion where a gigantic percentage of the men who are in power are fucking little kids. 1.00

02:13:11.000 Another one got caught. 1.00

02:13:12.000 They said he was gay.

02:13:14.000 Another anti-gay rights. 0.78

02:13:16.000 Oh no, that was Roy Ashburn.

02:13:18.000 He was the guy behind Proposition 8. He got caught and he admitted he was gay.

02:13:22.000 But that guy's not a priest. 1.00

02:13:23.000 He's not fucking kids. 1.00

02:13:24.000 He's just gay. 1.00

02:13:25.000 You're like, they're all the same. 1.00

02:13:26.000 Faggots, fucking pedophiles. 1.00

02:13:28.000 You lumped this guy in with a pedophile priest. 1.00

02:13:31.000 But that religion is so ridiculous that there's a giant percentage of the men who are pushing this religion are also fucking horrible pedophiles that ruin people's lives. 1.00

02:13:40.000 If you know anybody that's Catholic, if you grew up in a Catholic community, you know a bunch of people that have been molested. 1.00

02:13:46.000 Everybody knows somebody.

02:13:47.000 I know two people that got hit on by priests.

02:13:51.000 I know my friend Tony, he had a fight off a priest, and my friend John had a fight off a priest.

02:13:56.000 They get attacked. 1.00

02:13:57.000 These priests fucking drool on them and breathe on them and pull their dicks out. 1.00

02:14:01.000 And my friend Bo. 1.00

02:14:02.000 Another dude.

02:14:02.000 I know three dudes.

02:14:03.000 I know three dudes that got attacked.

02:14:04.000 They're all Catholic.

02:14:05.000 I know a girl in a settlement.

02:14:06.000 Got money from a settlement.

02:14:07.000 Dude, there's so many settlements. 0.99

02:14:09.000 If you stop and look, do you know New Mexico has some crazy ass fucking law, or they used to at one point in time, where you could, if you had sex with a girl, like a man could not have sex with a girl like his normal age. 0.99

02:14:21.000 Like the age of consent was like 18. But if a man had sex with a boy, the age of consent was like 13. Really? 0.99

02:14:27.000 It's fucking crazy! 1.00

02:14:29.000 And the reason why, supposedly, this was enacted is that the Catholic Church put pressure on them to keep this in place so they could fucking ship all their crazy, sweet boy ass to New Mexico. 1.00

02:14:39.000 I don't know if this is true. 0.99

02:14:41.000 This is all speculation.

02:14:42.000 This is all on the internet.

02:14:42.000 But I do know that the fact...

02:14:44.000 No, that's speculation.

02:14:45.000 The fact is that the age of consent for male to boy was 13. That's fucking nuts, man. 1.00

02:14:51.000 Same-sex males is like 13. Whereas opposite sex, like boys and girls... 1.00

02:14:56.000 What's really crazy now is this sexting thing, man, where kids are going to jail for child pornography because they're taking pictures of their pussy. 0.99

02:15:02.000 They really came down at some point with a no tolerance, I don't care if you made it, you can't have it on your hard drive, no one can have it. 0.99

02:15:08.000 And with those laws, we can't make an exception for anyone. 1.00

02:15:11.000 They are attacking sluts for sending pictures of their pussy to guys. 1.00

02:15:16.000 They're attacking girls for being silly. 1.00

02:15:19.000 It's basically the same thing. 0.96

02:15:20.000 If you show me yours, I'll show you mine.

02:15:22.000 We all played that when we were kids. 1.00

02:15:23.000 But then the problem is, then it gets out to fucking pedophiles and makes them go crazy. 0.99

02:15:26.000 That's why they said they don't want anyone to have it. 1.00

02:15:29.000 Really?

02:15:29.000 So we're talking about it again.

02:15:31.000 The point is, send us some sweet pictures of your 13-year-old Bush. 0.99

02:15:33.000 Brian, this is important shit. 0.99

02:15:35.000 It's a fascinating goddamn story. 1.00

02:15:39.000 Brian, shut the fuck up. 1.00

02:15:40.000 Don't cut the bus for a juicy conversation. 1.00

02:15:43.000 It's fascinating shit, man. 1.00

02:15:44.000 The idea that you can put kids in jail because they take pictures of their pussy. 1.00

02:15:48.000 You know, the dude sends a picture of his dick to some girl in school and now he's locked in a cage. 1.00

02:15:52.000 You know, that's silly. 1.00

02:15:54.000 People throughout time, there's a charge in whipping your dick out. 1.00

02:15:57.000 If you cover someone's dick up, they're going to want to whip it out. 1.00

02:15:59.000 You know, we all live naked and free. 1.00

02:16:01.000 You know, you wouldn't have to worry about this shit. 1.00

02:16:03.000 But then people would start fucking way earlier. 1.00

02:16:05.000 Yeah. 0.98

02:16:05.000 Right? 0.98

02:16:07.000 If we all live naked and free, you wouldn't be able to trust anybody everywhere. 0.99

02:16:10.000 Someone would actually fuck by accident. 0.99

02:16:12.000 It would have to happen. 0.99

02:16:12.000 I wonder how much suppression, you know, we really have by walking around naked. 0.99

02:16:17.000 Like, how much different we'd be if we walked around naked, you know?

02:16:20.000 By walking around all clothed up, I wonder how much more different our behavior is.

02:16:23.000 I will tell you this.

02:16:24.000 This is a comparison.

02:16:25.000 Is that...

02:16:26.000 So any sort of nudity is like a novelty.

02:16:29.000 When I was Shomer Naguya, when I wouldn't touch women, you know? 1.00

02:16:32.000 Uh-huh.

02:16:33.000 When I would touch them, even on the arm or something, like, oh, it was like an electric sort of feel.

02:16:36.000 Wow.

02:16:37.000 I got way more sexual. 0.98

02:16:38.000 So I think covering up and stopping yourself makes you more sexual. 0.97

02:16:40.000 Yeah!

02:16:40.000 So that if you're completely unclothed, you'd be way calmer.

02:16:43.000 Makes it more urgent.

02:16:44.000 Yeah.

02:16:44.000 When I first came to LA and I first acted in a sitcom, I didn't like being here.

02:16:49.000 I didn't like this.

02:16:49.000 The whole sitcom situation was really bad.

02:16:52.000 There's a lot of negative energy in the set.

02:16:53.000 A lot of fighting going on with the network and the producers and the writers.

02:16:56.000 And I broke up with my girlfriend and I moved out here.

02:16:59.000 And we were still talking on the phone, but I didn't know anybody here.

02:17:02.000 I was out here for a few weeks.

02:17:03.000 I didn't talk to anybody.

02:17:04.000 I didn't hang out with anybody.

02:17:05.000 And then this chick, we were laughing about something.

02:17:08.000 She gave me a hug on the set.

02:17:09.000 And she gave me a hug and it was the best feeling in the world.

02:17:12.000 It wasn't like a regular hug.

02:17:14.000 She hit me with this hug and I was like, it was like I needed it.

02:17:17.000 Like she gave me a glass of water.

02:17:18.000 Like, ugh.

02:17:19.000 You know, and it was just a hug, man.

02:17:21.000 She was just being nice, and she gave me a nice hug and rubbed my back, and I was like, wow, that felt so good. 0.99

02:17:27.000 I just felt, you need that shit. 0.99

02:17:28.000 Human contact. 0.99

02:17:29.000 Yeah, if you go like a few weeks or a month without touching anybody, that guy that we were talking about earlier that lives in the Arctic, he went, I think, eight months at one point by himself, just up there hunting, and he said it was way too much.

02:17:40.000 He said he went crazy.

02:17:41.000 That guy's just living wild, man.

02:17:43.000 You gotta see that it's on VBS TV. I think his name is Haimo.

02:17:46.000 Haimo's Arctic Refuge.

02:17:47.000 Just look up arcticvbs.tv. 0.98

02:17:50.000 It's fucking incredible, man. 0.94

02:17:52.000 Like, one of the most incredible documentaries ever. 0.99

02:17:54.000 You stop and think about it, like, this guy's chosen to live like that in this day and age.

02:17:58.000 Whereas we think if we had to live like that, it would be hell. 0.99

02:18:01.000 Like, Brian, how do you think you would feel if, like, all of a sudden civilization dropped off, there was no power, and you had to fucking light fires with wood and kill animals to stay alive, and it was fucking freezing cold out and you were in animal skins and shit? 0.99

02:18:14.000 It'd be awful. 0.99

02:18:14.000 That's why I couldn't live on top of a mountain. 0.99

02:18:17.000 I couldn't be like that, because if that shit did happen, I don't want to be on top of a mountain doing it all by myself. 0.98

02:18:21.000 I want to be, you know... 0.99

02:18:24.000 Around civilization.

02:18:25.000 But what if you're around civilization and there's no food, no one's growing anything, there's a lot of mooches and chaos.

02:18:30.000 That's when you want to be somewhere self-sustaining, right?

02:18:32.000 Yeah, but I think it's...

02:18:35.000 I mean, my family grew up on farms, so to me it's just like, wow, what?

02:18:39.000 Just plant some food.

02:18:40.000 By the time the food runs out, we'll have tomatoes, we'll have...

02:18:45.000 You have to have a serious work ethic to run a farm.

02:18:48.000 So you can't stock off for three weeks.

02:18:49.000 I didn't know anything about farms until I started working for the UFC. And then you start talking to guys who are farmers.

02:18:56.000 Guys who are real farmers.

02:18:57.000 Talk to Matt Hughes and all these guys.

02:18:59.000 When they do in-depth reports on these guys and their life.

02:19:02.000 Tommy Spears is another one.

02:19:03.000 They offered him a fight recently and he couldn't take the fight because he was in the middle of the harvest. 1.00

02:19:09.000 That's real shit. 1.00

02:19:10.000 These guys, they're out there. 1.00

02:19:12.000 They're fucking working, man. 1.00

02:19:14.000 They're working all day, every day, and it's brutal. 1.00

02:19:17.000 It's hard work.

02:19:18.000 And there's a mentality that a lot of these guys love the work.

02:19:21.000 There's something very satisfying, something that goes back to our days when we first discovered agriculture.

02:19:28.000 It's like a visceral human reaction.

02:19:31.000 You feel rewarded for having produced all this food.

02:19:35.000 There's a fable that God, because he loves his children, gave us a plentiful cattle and crops without us having to work for it at all, and the man went crazy and started warring on itself.

02:19:48.000 So then he took that power away, and then you had to actually toil the soil, and then people were way calmer.

02:19:53.000 Brian, what are you doing?

02:19:55.000 Why are you unplugging?

02:19:56.000 I gotta take off.

02:19:57.000 Yeah, I gotta take off too.

02:19:58.000 Okay, don't just unplug.

02:20:00.000 Is the show still going on?

02:20:01.000 Oh no, we're not doing anything.

02:20:02.000 I'm not having bags. 0.99

02:20:03.000 What the fuck are you doing, son? 1.00

02:20:04.000 Calm down, Joe. 1.00

02:20:05.000 Um, I don't even know what we were just talking about.

02:20:07.000 I don't know either.

02:20:08.000 What were we just talking about, bro?

02:20:10.000 Farms and...

02:20:11.000 Yeah, I think that's why hunting...

02:20:13.000 This guy, Haimo, I think that's his name, that lived in the Arctic, that's why he was talking about how satisfying it is to be a hunter and gatherer.

02:20:20.000 You know, that he thinks that that's where civilization fell apart.

02:20:23.000 That man is most happy when he's out there providing for himself.

02:20:26.000 He says he loves it.

02:20:27.000 He loves living up there, just hunting and fishing and getting his food that way.

02:20:30.000 It makes him happy. 1.00

02:20:30.000 It's like, fuck it, go for it. 1.00

02:20:32.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:20:32.000 Maybe there's something to it, though. 1.00

02:20:34.000 Maybe if you did it, too, it'd be, like, ultra-stimulating.

02:20:36.000 Maybe.

02:20:36.000 Yeah.

02:20:37.000 I think it's one of everybody's different situations.

02:20:40.000 He loves it, other people wouldn't.

02:20:41.000 But he's doing natural exercise every day.

02:20:43.000 Every day he's hiking, and he's shooting caribou, and he's dragging the caribou back, and he's cutting the meat, and he's hanging it up.

02:20:50.000 He's not lazy in front of his computer all day long.

02:20:52.000 He's got a laptop, but he's not online. 0.98

02:20:55.000 It's fucking incredible, man. 0.98

02:20:57.000 What a wild way to live your life. 0.99

02:20:59.000 Alright, ladies and gentlemen, that's it, right?

02:21:02.000 This is a long-ass one. 0.99

02:21:03.000 Two and a half hours, bitches. 1.00

02:21:04.000 That's how we roll. 0.99

02:21:05.000 We are going to be at the Tempe Improv this Thursday, Friday, Saturday.

02:21:09.000 Jump on it.

02:21:09.000 Saturday night is basically sold out.

02:21:11.000 There's only like 20 tickets left this morning.

02:21:13.000 The second show has 20 tickets left.

02:21:16.000 The first show sold out.

02:21:17.000 And so it's going to go quick.

02:21:19.000 Thank you very much, everybody.

02:21:20.000 We appreciate you tuning in every week.

02:21:21.000 You can get it on iTunes now.

02:21:23.000 If you go to iTunes, the Joe Rogan podcast is up, and you can download all the ones that we had before.

02:21:29.000 It's all thanks to that man.

02:21:31.000 Thanks to that man.

02:21:32.000 Thank you to Brian.

02:21:33.000 Brian put it all together.

02:21:34.000 He designed my new web class. 1.00

02:21:35.000 He's the motherfucker, ladies and gentlemen. 1.00

02:21:38.000 Powerful, super genius computer wizard. 1.00

02:21:40.000 And so that's it, folks.

02:21:42.000 Thanks for tuning in.

02:21:43.000 We'll see you next week.

02:21:43.000 Holla.

02:21:44.000 Later.

The Joe Rogan Experience - March 09, 2010

Joe Rogan Experience #11 - Ari Shaffir

Episode Stats

Summary

Transcript