The Joe Rogan Experience - Joe Rogan Experience #1126 - Erik Griffin

00:00:01.000 You don't want them to know.

00:00:04.000 Boom! 0.99

00:00:06.000 And we're live, Eric Griffin.

00:00:07.000 So we were talking before this podcast how you mix it up with the Android watch, but the Apple phone.

00:00:12.000 It's very curious.

00:00:14.000 Well, see, I used to be all Samsung.

00:00:15.000 I love the Android, and the watch is great.

00:00:18.000 I love how it interacts.

00:00:19.000 But then I get a girlfriend who has an iPhone, and she's like, I want to FaceTime with you.

00:00:25.000 So why don't you tell her to get Skype? 1.00

00:00:26.000 Yeah.

00:00:27.000 Skype app.

00:00:28.000 You're married.

00:00:29.000 You understand?

00:00:30.000 You can't...

00:00:30.000 Anyway.

00:00:32.000 That's set standards.

00:00:33.000 Yeah.

00:00:33.000 Well, hey, I'm not the standard guy.

00:00:36.000 Lines in the sand.

00:00:37.000 But then they have this app on the Apple now called Gear, which lets you hook up your phone, but you can't really interact with it.

00:00:45.000 You can't talk or anything, but it's actually kind of nice.

00:00:48.000 You just want to know stuff's going on.

00:00:50.000 Yeah, we were saying it's probably better that you can't interact with it.

00:00:53.000 Because Jamie was telling me that you could do walkie-talkie with your iPhones now.

00:00:59.000 Yeah, that's still being announced right now, so I don't know all the details, but the Worldwide Developers Conference is going on, the WWDC, so they announced the new operating system, the new Apple Watch, and the new automatic workout detection, walkie-talkie mode, and something else is going on.

00:01:14.000 There's just too much.

00:01:15.000 I have an Apple Watch, too.

00:01:17.000 I love it.

00:01:17.000 You can leave it at me.

00:01:18.000 At least sometimes I leave my phone.

00:01:19.000 I don't even bring my phone with me.

00:01:20.000 Yeah?

00:01:21.000 Because you can...

00:01:22.000 Do you feel weird when you do that?

00:01:23.000 Yeah.

00:01:24.000 Or a rebel?

00:01:25.000 Here's what's happening now, though.

00:01:26.000 If I have my watch, when you look at your watch, what does that cue?

00:01:29.000 It cues like, you want to go, or you're missing out on something, or I don't have any...

00:01:33.000 No.

00:01:34.000 Now, when you do that, it's just because you're looking at a text message.

00:01:37.000 So now it's just as rude as...

00:01:38.000 Yeah.

00:01:39.000 We're not...

00:01:40.000 This isn't helping.

00:01:41.000 No.

00:01:41.000 It's not helping when I go, if I'm looking, and you were talking, and I go like this, I look down, and you think, hey, you have to go someplace?

00:01:47.000 Yeah.

00:01:48.000 No, no, I just got a text.

00:01:49.000 It's too much, right?

00:01:50.000 Yeah, it's got a tweet.

00:01:51.000 I got a retweet I'm looking at, you know, that's what it is.

00:01:53.000 Yeah, what are we doing?

00:01:53.000 What are we doing?

00:01:54.000 I have no idea.

00:01:55.000 And you know what's really weird about...

00:01:57.000 All this stuff, the phones and how we talk.

00:01:59.000 Everybody wants to text.

00:02:00.000 You can't get people to call you.

00:02:03.000 And now they're putting little emojis.

00:02:05.000 And now they're putting GIFs of real people.

00:02:09.000 So this is how I feel.

00:02:11.000 We're going in a circle.

00:02:13.000 Because we want human interaction.

00:02:15.000 We want connection.

00:02:16.000 We want to see people.

00:02:17.000 So now they're putting a celebrity up.

00:02:19.000 Like, this is how I feel today.

00:02:21.000 Why don't you put how you feel today?

00:02:24.000 Right.

00:02:24.000 Not Chris Pratt throwing a garbage can or something.

00:02:28.000 Yeah, this is my mood.

00:02:29.000 So we're slowly getting back to where it's going to be.

00:02:32.000 We're going to actually be talking to a real person.

00:02:35.000 You think so?

00:02:35.000 Yeah.

00:02:36.000 It's going to come all the way around?

00:02:36.000 I think it's going to come all the way around.

00:02:38.000 What is this, Jamie?

00:02:39.000 This is the new thing they showed.

00:02:40.000 You're making an emoji of yourself called Memoji.

00:02:43.000 They already did that with Samsung.

00:02:46.000 They're ripping them off.

00:02:48.000 They're working together or something.

00:02:49.000 This is what I'm saying, though.

00:02:50.000 We're searching.

00:02:52.000 We're trying to find ways to be more ourselves.

00:02:56.000 You don't need an emoji of yourself.

00:02:58.000 Just be yourself.

00:03:00.000 Sorry, they're going against each other.

00:03:01.000 Oh, it takes on Samsung AR emoji.

00:03:04.000 Yeah, they ripped off the idea. 1.00

00:03:06.000 Fuck cheap fucks. 1.00

00:03:07.000 Isn't that funny? 1.00

00:03:08.000 Apple's always late.

00:03:09.000 Apple's ripping people off.

00:03:10.000 No, they were first with the iPhone.

00:03:12.000 The iPhone was the first of these kind of things.

00:03:15.000 The first iPhone.

00:03:16.000 But Androids are real close now.

00:03:19.000 They're real close.

00:03:20.000 I mean, it's very debatable.

00:03:21.000 But everything after that, they were late.

00:03:23.000 Really?

00:03:24.000 Like on an Android, you could copy and paste on an Android.

00:03:27.000 Oh, you could do that?

00:03:27.000 Two, three years before, you could do it on an Apple.

00:03:31.000 So you've always been an Android guy?

00:03:32.000 Yeah, I've always been an Android guy.

00:03:33.000 Just kidding.

00:03:34.000 I know.

00:03:37.000 I'm the man.

00:03:38.000 You get an Android!

00:03:39.000 You get an Android and we'll Skype it.

00:03:42.000 It'll be me buying her an Android.

00:03:44.000 Is there anything native to Android?

00:03:46.000 Like the FaceTime thing?

00:03:49.000 Is there something that's on the...

00:03:51.000 No, they do.

00:03:51.000 They have their own version of that, but I don't think people really use it.

00:03:56.000 They have their own Samsung video.

00:03:58.000 Oh, but Samsung has one.

00:04:00.000 What if you have, say, a Google Pixel phone?

00:04:02.000 Yeah, they might have.

00:04:04.000 But I don't think enough people have a Google Pixel phone to make that even a thing.

00:04:07.000 Oh, really?

00:04:08.000 Yeah.

00:04:08.000 I thought those were really popular.

00:04:09.000 Are they?

00:04:10.000 Who do you know?

00:04:11.000 They mean one person you know that has a Google Pixel. 0.99

00:04:12.000 Damn, that's a good call. 0.99

00:04:13.000 Me. 0.99

00:04:13.000 I have one. 0.99

00:04:14.000 You do not have a Google Pixel.

00:04:15.000 I do have one.

00:04:16.000 I don't use it.

00:04:18.000 Okay, so you were given a Google Pixel.

00:04:20.000 No, I bought one.

00:04:20.000 Why?

00:04:21.000 Because I wanted to try it out.

00:04:22.000 But here's what happened.

00:04:24.000 I couldn't get text messages to work.

00:04:26.000 This is the scam.

00:04:28.000 Because you are hooked up to this...

00:04:30.000 What are you showing me, Jamie?

00:04:31.000 They do have it.

00:04:32.000 It's with the Pixel 2 or something.

00:04:34.000 Oh, Android video calling.

00:04:36.000 Yeah.

00:04:36.000 Google simplifies Android video calling.

00:04:38.000 Oh, look at that.

00:04:40.000 So, does that only work with Android?

00:04:42.000 Android to Android?

00:04:43.000 Is that the idea?

00:04:43.000 Yeah, probably.

00:04:44.000 I don't know why they don't just work together.

00:04:47.000 Why doesn't Apple and Google just work together?

00:04:50.000 Well, they don't work together with text messages.

00:04:52.000 See, that's my point.

00:04:53.000 It's really annoying. 0.98

00:04:54.000 The iMessage thing is what fucked me.

00:04:57.000 Because everybody knew that I had an iPhone, so they would send me, because they have an iPhone, they would send me an iMessage.

00:05:03.000 And so I was sending people text messages, they're like, I'm not getting it.

00:05:07.000 I'm like, send me one.

00:05:08.000 And they would send me one, and I wouldn't get it.

00:05:10.000 And so then I went online and looked it up, and it said...

00:05:13.000 You have to disable iMessage.

00:05:15.000 Okay, so I disable iMessage.

00:05:17.000 Then you have to call up, you have to actually call up someone.

00:05:21.000 I'm done at that point.

00:05:22.000 Yeah, at that point.

00:05:23.000 You have to call up someone and tell them to take your email address off of the iMessage database.

00:05:31.000 Okay, so I do that.

00:05:33.000 And I say, take this email.

00:05:34.000 Why are you doing that, sir?

00:05:35.000 Because I switched over to an Android phone that's like, pause. 0.99

00:05:38.000 Like, I just fucking killed the queen. 0.99

00:05:41.000 Come on! 1.00

00:05:42.000 You heard an alarm go off? 1.00

00:05:43.000 I'm one of millions of fucking people out there. 1.00

00:05:46.000 You don't know anything about me. 1.00

00:05:48.000 Why do you care? 1.00

00:05:49.000 Why would you give a fuck? 1.00

00:05:50.000 But they literally, the guy on the phone felt bad that I was switching over. 0.99

00:05:55.000 So then, it still wouldn't work.

00:05:57.000 I mean, it didn't work for...

00:05:58.000 I'll get like one out of three text messages.

00:06:01.000 It all happened while I was on vacation. 0.99

00:06:03.000 I just figured I'm gonna try this phone while I'm on vacation, fuck around, but you can't. 1.00

00:06:07.000 They got you roped in with that goddamn iMessage shit. 1.00

00:06:11.000 Yeah, that's Apple's thing. 1.00

00:06:13.000 They make it free no matter where you are in the world and all that.

00:06:16.000 A lot of people have Apple.

00:06:17.000 I think Samsung has taken over in terms of like for Android.

00:06:20.000 I love the Samsung phones.

00:06:22.000 They make good phones.

00:06:23.000 They make great phones.

00:06:24.000 The difference between the Androids though Is that Samsung does not update their software very often. 0.71

00:06:30.000 They update security patches.

00:06:32.000 Because they don't need to!

00:06:33.000 But Google Pixel phones get the latest software right when it gets released.

00:06:38.000 And so like when Oreo comes out and 8.1, all these different operating systems come out, they're better, supposedly.

00:06:46.000 Yeah, for like, for how long?

00:06:48.000 A week?

00:06:48.000 I mean, no, it takes a long time before they come out on Samsung phones.

00:06:52.000 Long time.

00:06:53.000 Like six months sometimes.

00:06:54.000 Oh, really?

00:06:55.000 Yeah, it takes a long time.

00:06:56.000 Well, there you go.

00:06:56.000 You heard the breaking news right here.

00:06:59.000 Well, maybe that's what the problem was. 0.98

00:07:00.000 Yeah, but also, Samsung puts their own shit over Android, and the real Android dorks want pure Android. 0.97

00:07:08.000 And pure Android you really only get with the Pixel. 0.92

00:07:10.000 Unless you can...

00:07:11.000 Do you know about...

00:07:13.000 How do you do, like, can you hack them?

00:07:15.000 You can hack them, right?

00:07:16.000 Yeah, like how you use, what do they call it?

00:07:18.000 Like you jailbreak your iPhone and all that kind of stuff.

00:07:21.000 They've made that just common now.

00:07:23.000 Yeah.

00:07:24.000 Because it used to be, like, they would lock it down where, like, let's say you had Verizon.

00:07:28.000 So you could only use this phone on Verizon, with Verizon stuff, and then you would jailbreak it, and then you could, like, open it up to, like, all these other types of apps. 0.98

00:07:37.000 It's just, if they would stop being greedy fucks, Just stop being so greedy. 0.98

00:07:41.000 Let me use my phone however I want. 1.00

00:07:43.000 I'm still going to be on your system. 1.00

00:07:45.000 I'm still paying your $200 a month for your stupid phone service. 1.00

00:07:49.000 But I can't do a little extra? 1.00

00:07:51.000 A little extra.

00:07:52.000 Just a little extra.

00:07:53.000 Just a little extra.

00:07:54.000 Don't get me started on this.

00:07:55.000 I'm getting you started.

00:07:56.000 I know. 1.00

00:07:56.000 These motherfuckers. 1.00

00:07:58.000 And I can't believe the shit we have to deal with, Eric Griffin. 1.00

00:08:02.000 God damn it. 1.00

00:08:04.000 That is weird though, man. 0.99

00:08:06.000 It's weird there's only two.

00:08:07.000 That's also weird.

00:08:09.000 There's only like two operating systems competing side to side.

00:08:12.000 But that's how we are in our country.

00:08:14.000 Republican or Democrat, Apple or Android.

00:08:18.000 Remember Windows Phone?

00:08:19.000 Windows Phone wasn't bad.

00:08:21.000 Was it?

00:08:22.000 It wasn't that bad.

00:08:23.000 I had a friend who had a Windows phone.

00:08:24.000 I was like, oh, this is kind of cool.

00:08:26.000 It had tiles.

00:08:27.000 It was like Windows 10. You know how Windows 10 looks with tiles?

00:08:30.000 That's like a came and went.

00:08:32.000 Nobody cares about that.

00:08:33.000 Came and went.

00:08:33.000 Look at you.

00:08:34.000 Yeah.

00:08:35.000 I can't deal with...

00:08:36.000 I don't want to hear about you.

00:08:38.000 Everybody's trying to get into the phone game.

00:08:39.000 Right.

00:08:40.000 But what's crazy is, how many people have Windows computers?

00:08:43.000 It's amazing that Windows had a phone and people are like, nah.

00:08:47.000 Yeah.

00:08:47.000 Yeah, because they know all the problems they have with their computer.

00:08:51.000 I can't even remember the last time I had a Windows computer.

00:08:55.000 I strictly went Apple, because it's just so easy to use.

00:08:58.000 And it's still not easy to use.

00:09:01.000 You know what's not easy, though?

00:09:03.000 Apple does not have good keyboards.

00:09:05.000 Like, if you have a desktop keyboard at home, and you can add a second keyboard, you know, like buy a mechanical keyboard.

00:09:11.000 But if you're a writer, if you like to write, The problem with Apple keyboards is there's no key travel.

00:09:18.000 It's very, very shallow.

00:09:19.000 So it's like just a tiny movement.

00:09:22.000 Click, click, click, click, click.

00:09:23.000 What I use is a ThinkPad.

00:09:25.000 And then one of the reasons why I use a ThinkPad is there's like travel to these keys.

00:09:30.000 Oh.

00:09:31.000 Like these keys have motion to them.

00:09:34.000 Okay.

00:09:35.000 You're old school.

00:09:36.000 Yeah.

00:09:36.000 Well, the thing is you feel where the keys are.

00:09:39.000 You feel.

00:09:40.000 So as you're typing, I can just look at the screen, and I don't have to look down at the keyboard, and they depress with your fingers.

00:09:48.000 There's motion to it, so there's no accidental pressing of the keys.

00:09:52.000 Did you take typing in high school?

00:09:54.000 Yes.

00:09:54.000 I don't remember any of it, though.

00:09:56.000 Yeah, me too.

00:09:57.000 My high school year was the last year that they had typing at my school.

00:10:01.000 Really?

00:10:01.000 Yeah, I remember.

00:10:02.000 The last year?

00:10:03.000 They were saying this is no longer because they had a computer class that they were starting. 0.98

00:10:08.000 I just thought, damn. 0.97

00:10:09.000 I look back on these things and I just go, wow, how times have changed. 0.99

00:10:14.000 Our generation is this generation that is like, we went through the first of all of these things.

00:10:20.000 I had a Commodore 64. Did you?

00:10:22.000 Yes.

00:10:23.000 I remember the first Apple laptop.

00:10:25.000 I remember like when game systems changed and color TV and call waiting and like all the things that we were, you know.

00:10:33.000 Answering machines.

00:10:34.000 Answering machines.

00:10:35.000 Then no more answering machines.

00:10:38.000 Yeah, could you even buy an answering machine today?

00:10:40.000 976 numbers and, you know, like, all that stuff was like...

00:10:44.000 Your sex lines? 0.50

00:10:45.000 Yeah, yeah! 0.97

00:10:45.000 You could call, like, oh God, I got in trouble one time. 0.97

00:10:48.000 Like, thank God I was calling a Christmas...

00:10:50.000 I was going to call a Christmas one first, and then I was going to call a sex one. 0.90

00:10:54.000 And then I called the Christmas one first, and then my mom picks up the other line.

00:10:57.000 And I hang up, and then my mom's like, Erica, are you talking to Santa Claus? 0.99

00:11:02.000 Oh, shit. 0.99

00:11:03.000 How old were you at the time? 1.00

00:11:04.000 I was like, I don't know, 13 or something like that.

00:11:07.000 Just getting into your...

00:11:08.000 Even how we find porn is different now.

00:11:13.000 I'm thinking about you talking about this keyboard.

00:11:15.000 It still has a little bit of old school to it.

00:11:18.000 It has an old school feel to what you're saying.

00:11:21.000 Anytime somebody's using Windows, I know it's like, oh, they're connected to the past still.

00:11:25.000 Well, I just switched over to it recently when I fucked around with a ThinkPad one day, and I was like, wow, this keyboard is so much better.

00:11:33.000 Because I have a MacBook, too, one of the new MacBook Pros. 0.84

00:11:36.000 You just can't handle it.

00:11:37.000 It's just not good.

00:11:38.000 It's just not a good keyboard. 1.00

00:11:40.000 It's shit. 1.00

00:11:41.000 It's not just bad. 1.00

00:11:42.000 It's shit. 1.00

00:11:44.000 It's shit. 1.00

00:11:45.000 And there's no options. 1.00

00:11:46.000 Like, if you want a laptop, they don't give you options for keyboards.

00:11:50.000 Yeah, you can't customize the...

00:11:51.000 No, and you can't get a different one.

00:11:53.000 Like, if you want Windows, you can get an Asus.

00:11:56.000 You can get a Lenovo.

00:11:58.000 There's a shit ton.

00:11:59.000 You can get a Dell. 0.84

00:12:00.000 With your desktop, though.

00:12:01.000 I have an iMac.

00:12:02.000 You can hook up.

00:12:02.000 Sure.

00:12:03.000 Yeah, with a desktop. 0.97

00:12:04.000 But the problem is, most of my shit, I go on the, oh, third class action lawsuit over MacBook Pro keyboard alleges fraudulent concealment. 0.95

00:12:12.000 This guy's a research king right here. 0.99

00:12:14.000 See, but look at that keyboard. 0.96

00:12:15.000 Look how fucking shallow those keys are. 1.00

00:12:18.000 That's bullshit. 1.00

00:12:19.000 Well, it's to keep it thin, man. 1.00

00:12:20.000 But it doesn't matter.

00:12:21.000 That's bad for a writer. 0.98

00:12:22.000 If you're a writer, that's a shitty design. 0.74

00:12:24.000 Remember how thick the... 0.97

00:12:26.000 Yeah, but make it a little thicker. 0.95

00:12:28.000 Jesus Christ, who gives a fuck if it's an extra half a millimeter if you have good keyboard feel? 0.95

00:12:33.000 I mean, it depends on what you're doing. 0.99

00:12:35.000 If you're the type of person who just writes an email every now and then, but I fucking write. 0.97

00:12:40.000 I need a keyboard. 0.95

00:12:41.000 I feel you, man.

00:12:42.000 And something that could take a beating, too. 0.99

00:12:44.000 Yeah, I still fuck around with that when I, you know, I still have it, so I fuck around with that if I travel, if I go online, if I'm just web surfing, it's fine for that. 0.99

00:12:54.000 Mm-hmm. 0.99

00:12:54.000 But it sucks a fat one when it deals with... 0.99

00:12:57.000 Did you get a text message? 0.94

00:12:58.000 Yeah, I'm already getting messages about this.

00:13:00.000 It's just coming to the phone.

00:13:03.000 The only time my phone has blown up like this before is when Justin Bieber posted a picture with him.

00:13:10.000 And you?

00:13:10.000 Yeah, on his Instagram.

00:13:12.000 And then my phone was shaking, shaking for a month straight.

00:13:17.000 Just from the notifications?

00:13:18.000 I turn on the notifications.

00:13:19.000 I say, you guys, nobody believe me.

00:13:20.000 Let me turn on the notifications.

00:13:21.000 And I put it down like this, and it's just...

00:13:24.000 Like, I'm talking about...

00:13:25.000 Thousands of notifications.

00:13:27.000 That guy could topple a government if he really wanted to, like, if he got political.

00:13:30.000 Right.

00:13:31.000 That's a problem.

00:13:32.000 I mean, that's what we're dealing with with Trump.

00:13:34.000 A famous person who becomes the president.

00:13:36.000 I mean, this little kid is only 24, right? 1.00

00:13:39.000 What the fuck? 1.00

00:13:40.000 Is he even 24? 1.00

00:13:42.000 Yeah, he just turned 24, yeah.

00:13:43.000 Okay.

00:13:44.000 Jamie's hating.

00:13:45.000 No, he's not.

00:13:46.000 I didn't.

00:13:46.000 He's actually a good kid.

00:13:47.000 He really is. 1.00

00:13:48.000 If I gave you $100 million and no parental supervision, you'd do some dumb shit too. 1.00

00:13:53.000 You'd do way worse. 1.00

00:13:54.000 Listen, right now I would do a lot of dumb shit if you gave me $100 million. 1.00

00:13:59.000 Just out of nowhere. 1.00

00:14:00.000 Out of nowhere, yeah.

00:14:01.000 He's done well.

00:14:02.000 For what he is, you know, the kind of fame that that guy possesses?

00:14:07.000 He's off the charts famous.

00:14:08.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:14:09.000 But then so was Trump.

00:14:11.000 Trump was super famous.

00:14:12.000 Super, super famous.

00:14:13.000 This is why we can't get rid of the Electoral College, though, by the way.

00:14:16.000 Not to get political, but...

00:14:17.000 Does help, but I mean, did he rig that?

00:14:20.000 I mean, he didn't rig it, but played the game well, I should say.

00:14:23.000 But you can't have a popularity contest.

00:14:24.000 But it is a popularity contest, no matter what, even with the Electoral College.

00:14:27.000 You just have to be popular in Iowa.

00:14:30.000 Popular in Ohio and know how to do that.

00:14:32.000 Just go over there and talk about Muslims. 0.92

00:14:34.000 Shake your fist. 0.98

00:14:35.000 Why don't we...

00:14:35.000 I still don't understand why we don't just have online voting.

00:14:40.000 Absolutely.

00:14:41.000 Or with their phone.

00:14:43.000 You have to have a phone and then you register your phone so that IMIE number that your phone has is strictly for you.

00:14:50.000 They already have, what do you call it, facial recognition software.

00:14:56.000 Their phones have fingerprint...

00:14:57.000 So there's like three different ways to like register and then you'll get everyone's vote.

00:15:02.000 I always say votes should be like Columbia DVD house.

00:15:05.000 Remember Columbia DVDs?

00:15:06.000 Oh, they just planned on just giving it to you for free.

00:15:09.000 So if you're a Republican, right?

00:15:11.000 Yeah.

00:15:12.000 Then your vote goes to the Republican until you go, I don't want this Republican.

00:15:16.000 I wonder what the numbers of people that...

00:15:18.000 People don't know what we're talking about with Columbia DVD because we're old.

00:15:21.000 But back in the day, you would sign up for like cassette tapes.

00:15:24.000 Yes.

00:15:25.000 And they would send you a bunch of cassettes like you'd pick what you like.

00:15:28.000 It was at a book club too.

00:15:29.000 Book club.

00:15:29.000 Yeah, that too.

00:15:30.000 But they would send them to you, but it was only like a dollar.

00:15:33.000 And you'd get like 15 cassettes.

00:15:35.000 You'd get like Aerosmith and...

00:15:37.000 Is it still around?

00:15:37.000 They still got it.

00:15:39.000 Get the fuck out of here. 0.96

00:15:40.000 No, but check it out. 0.91

00:15:40.000 They finally made it so they don't just send it automatically. 0.91

00:15:44.000 Because people were quitting the service.

00:15:47.000 Yeah.

00:15:47.000 But they would just send you, so you would pay, and you had like, say, three days, and if you didn't send it back, they would charge you the $9.

00:15:55.000 Right.

00:15:56.000 So that's what I'm saying about voting.

00:15:57.000 This is how we should vote.

00:15:59.000 $35.

00:15:59.000 Like, that page right there he's showing us should be like, all your candidates for Democrat, and if you don't, you have three days to pick, and if you don't pick, your vote goes to them.

00:16:08.000 That's how they should do it.

00:16:08.000 Show me what you just showed me.

00:16:09.000 What are you doing?

00:16:11.000 What'd you show me?

00:16:11.000 Click on the details.

00:16:12.000 What does it say?

00:16:13.000 It says it's $35 for like two or something like that.

00:16:16.000 Okay, free shipping is only eligible for orders of two or more DVDs with a subtotal of $35.

00:16:21.000 Pre-orders are not eligible for free shipping.

00:16:24.000 I don't know.

00:16:24.000 Okay, so they say it's free shipping, but it's not free shipping.

00:16:27.000 Is that what they're doing?

00:16:29.000 And they say it's $9.95 each, but that's more than $35.

00:16:34.000 Look at that.

00:16:35.000 Free shipping on two-plus DVDs, but the DVDs are $9.95.

00:16:38.000 So two-plus is, what, four, because it has to be more than $35. 1.00

00:16:42.000 You fucking crooks. 1.00

00:16:44.000 They're all crooks. 1.00

00:16:45.000 The record companies are so gross. 1.00

00:16:48.000 Dude, I've been talking to people.

00:16:50.000 I had Steven Tyler in here was explaining what happens now with streaming services.

00:16:53.000 And that was great, by the way.

00:16:54.000 Oh, thank you.

00:16:55.000 He's great, right?

00:16:56.000 Yes.

00:16:56.000 He's a trip.

00:16:57.000 Fascinating.

00:16:58.000 Fascinating.

00:16:58.000 I mean, you want to talk about a guy who's seen it all.

00:17:01.000 I'm never surprised when someone like that, with that type of personality, I'm not surprised that you see the kind of life and career he's had.

00:17:08.000 Yeah.

00:17:08.000 Those people aren't, they're a notch above the norm.

00:17:12.000 Yeah, he's definitely a notch above the norm.

00:17:14.000 Super sweet guy, too.

00:17:15.000 Nice to everybody.

00:17:16.000 Just all hugging everybody and real friendly.

00:17:19.000 He's already had his time of being like... 0.99

00:17:20.000 I'm sure there was a time in his life where he was a super dick. 0.99

00:17:23.000 You think so? 1.00

00:17:24.000 Come on, dude.

00:17:24.000 You don't get that famous at the time when people are treating you like just a god everywhere you went.

00:17:34.000 Rockstar.

00:17:35.000 That was the pinnacle.

00:17:36.000 Rockstar, A-list actor, professional athlete.

00:17:41.000 That's the order. 0.98

00:17:42.000 But do you think they have to be dicks? 0.99

00:17:44.000 No, no, no. 0.99

00:17:45.000 Or do you think they become dicks just because, here's my theory about that, is that the fame, that level of fame is overwhelming. 0.99

00:17:51.000 Yes. 1.00

00:17:51.000 People are grabbing at you all the time, so you just develop this dicky thing just to keep people the fuck away from you. 1.00

00:17:56.000 Yes. 0.76

00:17:57.000 Like, if you get to that, I would imagine like that Michael Jordan or even Bieber.

00:18:04.000 I mean, there's a level where you can't go anywhere.

00:18:06.000 Listen, I've been around Bieber.

00:18:08.000 Yeah, what's it like?

00:18:10.000 He's never alone.

00:18:12.000 He's always got somebody there.

00:18:14.000 I don't think he trusts anyone.

00:18:16.000 And that level of fame where you're just also used to, you know, get me a water.

00:18:23.000 Get the car.

00:18:24.000 I want to go here.

00:18:25.000 When you get used to it, that becomes normal.

00:18:28.000 Just telling people.

00:18:29.000 Just telling people what to do becomes normal.

00:18:31.000 Listen, dude, I was at a party and he was there and he's like playing his music for his new album.

00:18:37.000 And he just looks at me and he says, hey, can you get me a vodka?

00:18:40.000 He says, give me a vodka.

00:18:41.000 And then I went.

00:18:43.000 I was like, oh, okay.

00:18:47.000 I was so mad at myself.

00:18:52.000 I'm over here like, I gotta get vodka.

00:18:54.000 Excuse me.

00:18:55.000 Justin needs a vodka.

00:18:56.000 Everybody get out of the way.

00:18:57.000 I gotta get this vodka for Justin.

00:18:58.000 Real time.

00:18:58.000 Yeah, and then when I gave it to him, I thought, I should have said no.

00:19:02.000 I should have said, bitch, get your own vodka. 1.00

00:19:04.000 Look at your old fucking vodka. 1.00

00:19:05.000 I'm 40-some years old. 1.00

00:19:06.000 What the fuck are you doing? 1.00

00:19:07.000 Playing piano? 1.00

00:19:09.000 Get the fuck out of here. 0.99

00:19:10.000 Dude, same thing. 0.99

00:19:10.000 I was at the Laugh Factory, and he was there. 0.99

00:19:14.000 He was watching, and then Scooter, who's a buddy of mine, Scooter Braun, you know, Scooter comes down, you know, and he says, hey, yeah, Erica, Justin would like to see you.

00:19:22.000 And at first I was like, you don't summon me!

00:19:29.000 But of course I was like, alright, let's go.

00:19:32.000 I went and then I saw him too and I realized, because I'm a nerd this way, I'm a fan of all types of music, so I think the kid's dynamic.

00:19:42.000 He's very talented.

00:19:42.000 I don't think it's a surprise that he's this famous, you know what I mean?

00:19:45.000 People get on him.

00:19:46.000 Just by the way, in defense of Bieber, real fast, you can't tell somebody they're great since they're eight years old.

00:19:54.000 8 years old, you're great.

00:19:55.000 You're great.

00:19:56.000 When he's 9, you're great.

00:19:57.000 When he's 10, you're great.

00:19:59.000 When he's 11, you're great.

00:20:00.000 Think about that.

00:20:01.000 At 13 is probably when he first went, well, am I? Yeah.

00:20:04.000 And then 15, he was like, I'm not great.

00:20:06.000 I am great. 0.99

00:20:07.000 At 18, I'm fucking great. 0.99

00:20:09.000 And then when he finally says it, then that's when everybody goes, whoa, bro. 0.99

00:20:16.000 Tone it down.

00:20:17.000 It's too late.

00:20:18.000 The monster's already been let loose.

00:20:19.000 Well, he's already mature, right?

00:20:21.000 He's already become an actual adult. 0.69

00:20:23.000 And he probably has no cum left in his body at any given time. 0.81

00:20:29.000 He's just... 0.98

00:20:30.000 He's shooting loads all day long.

00:20:33.000 It's just recovery time for him. 1.00

00:20:35.000 If he tweeted, I need some pussy tonight, it would be like American Idol auditions. 1.00

00:20:41.000 It would be crazier than that. 0.99

00:20:42.000 Have you seen that Guatemalan volcano eruption?

00:20:46.000 Have you seen that?

00:20:47.000 Where people are running from the smog? 0.99

00:20:50.000 It's fucking crazy. 0.99

00:20:51.000 It would be girls, guys. 1.00

00:20:52.000 It would be like that much pussy coming down the mountain headed towards you. 1.00

00:20:57.000 That Guatemala eruption is fucking scary, man. 1.00

00:21:01.000 There's nothing like that in comedy other than Chris D'Elia. 0.98

00:21:04.000 Yeah, he's close.

00:21:05.000 He's close.

00:21:06.000 But even that, look at this Guatemala. 0.96

00:21:09.000 Most violent eruption in more than 100 years.

00:21:11.000 25 people already dead.

00:21:12.000 I think it just happened yesterday. 1.00

00:21:15.000 It's fucking crazy, man. 0.99

00:21:17.000 Dozens of people have died after erupted, yeah, Sunday. 0.99

00:21:19.000 The earth is getting back at us.

00:21:20.000 Dude, that's two, right?

00:21:22.000 Hawaii and this one. 0.97

00:21:23.000 I mean, we gotta be real fucking careful. 0.94

00:21:26.000 I'm surprised New Zealand hasn't had a couple of eruptions. 0.94

00:21:28.000 Oh, do they have like a live volcano in New Zealand?

00:21:30.000 I just know they, I think, can you fact check this, but I think New Zealand has the most volcanoes in the world.

00:21:36.000 What?

00:21:37.000 Yeah.

00:21:37.000 Really?

00:21:38.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:21:38.000 Well, I was just there.

00:21:39.000 God, how pretty is that?

00:21:40.000 You go on one of those tours and they're like, you know.

00:21:41.000 What'd you do over there?

00:21:42.000 Well, I went to the Cook Islands.

00:21:44.000 Ooh, Captain Cook Islands?

00:21:45.000 Yeah, the Cook Islands, man.

00:21:47.000 Where the pirates showed up?

00:21:48.000 Beautiful vacation.

00:21:50.000 And there's no Americans, which is what I love. 1.00

00:21:52.000 You know, I can't stand going someplace and it's just all American. 0.99

00:21:56.000 Like, I don't go to Ensenada, you know.

00:21:58.000 You might as well go to Venice Beach, you know.

00:22:00.000 Right, right.

00:22:01.000 I don't want to be around the same time.

00:22:02.000 That's how Maui is.

00:22:03.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:22:04.000 I don't like going to Hawaii either.

00:22:05.000 Maui is basically Beverly Hills.

00:22:07.000 Yeah.

00:22:07.000 Beverly Hills got in a jet.

00:22:08.000 With water.

00:22:09.000 Yeah.

00:22:09.000 Volcano map of New Zealand.

00:22:11.000 Jesus Christ!

00:22:13.000 Yeah, see? 0.99

00:22:13.000 Oh, it's fucking volcanoes! 0.99

00:22:15.000 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18 volcanoes. 1.00

00:22:22.000 Is that right?

00:22:23.000 You can't lie on this show, because this guy's going to fact check you right away.

00:22:28.000 God!

00:22:28.000 That is insane!

00:22:30.000 But I'm telling you right now, beautiful vacation.

00:22:32.000 Oh, I bet.

00:22:32.000 I didn't like, actually, like, New Zealand, like, I went to Auckland.

00:22:36.000 I thought I'm driving around downtown LA. Or, like, Seattle or something.

00:22:41.000 I didn't like the city.

00:22:41.000 I'm not a city guy.

00:22:42.000 I like this kind of shit. 1.00

00:22:43.000 I like outdoors, nature, beaches. 1.00

00:22:45.000 Yeah, well, the nature there is stunning.

00:22:47.000 I want to look out my hotel window, the sliding door, and there's sand.

00:22:53.000 And then the water's right there.

00:22:55.000 Or mountains.

00:22:56.000 Yeah, exactly.

00:22:58.000 Rainforest.

00:22:58.000 Something that's different from this urban jungle that we live in all the time.

00:23:03.000 You ever been to Costa Rica?

00:23:04.000 I have been to Costa Rica.

00:23:05.000 Oh, God.

00:23:06.000 Just went to Costa Rica with my girlfriend.

00:23:08.000 We just started to get together, and it was good and bad.

00:23:10.000 Just started to get together, and you took it to Costa Rica.

00:23:12.000 Well, I mean, it was.

00:23:14.000 It was too soon.

00:23:17.000 How long were you guys dating?

00:23:18.000 It was too soon, I thought.

00:23:20.000 Maybe it would be like four or five months, you know?

00:23:22.000 But it was like Christmas time, and I'm with her.

00:23:24.000 I'm like, let me make this special.

00:23:25.000 So we go to Costa Rica.

00:23:27.000 You know, I do it up.

00:23:28.000 And she went Christmas with you, not the family.

00:23:30.000 Yeah, well, she's Jewish, so... 1.00

00:23:32.000 Oh, there you go.

00:23:32.000 There you go.

00:23:33.000 You know, they're all monsters. 0.99

00:23:35.000 How dare you?

00:23:36.000 You've got to be careful with that kind of talk in this day and age.

00:23:39.000 There it is.

00:23:40.000 That's it.

00:23:41.000 Career is over.

00:23:43.000 No, I'm just teasing.

00:23:43.000 My girlfriend's Jewish.

00:23:45.000 She has a beautiful family.

00:23:46.000 So she was like, I don't care about Christmas anyway, so let's go.

00:23:49.000 But I don't go see my mom, who moved to...

00:23:51.000 My parents just moved to Malaga.

00:23:54.000 Where's that?

00:23:54.000 In Spain.

00:23:55.000 Oh, jeez.

00:23:56.000 They moved to the southern tip of Spain.

00:23:58.000 They went on a cruise one day, stopped in Malaga, and then my mom's like, we gotta come back here.

00:24:02.000 Cost of living is so low.

00:24:04.000 They're living like kings over there.

00:24:06.000 A great two-bedroom condo with a Malibu-type view.

00:24:10.000 600 euro a month.

00:24:12.000 What?

00:24:12.000 Yeah, dude.

00:24:13.000 I'm telling you right now, you gotta look up the cost of living in Spain.

00:24:17.000 It's crazy.

00:24:17.000 A lot of people from Britain, they retire in Spain because their money goes a lot further.

00:24:22.000 Oh, I've heard that.

00:24:22.000 I've heard that people go there to avoid taxes from France.

00:24:26.000 Yeah, it's a lot of stuff, man.

00:24:27.000 So we go to Costa Rica, and it was fine.

00:24:29.000 It was great.

00:24:30.000 It was one of these resorts where you could get room service 24 hours, order what you want.

00:24:36.000 It's all covered in the thing.

00:24:37.000 But I got sick, Joe.

00:24:38.000 Oh no.

00:24:40.000 Diarrhea sick or what kind of sick?

00:24:42.000 It was every hole in my body, something was coming out of it.

00:24:47.000 Tropical.

00:24:47.000 I was in bed, I was telling her, I said, I don't feel good.

00:24:50.000 And as a comic, I made a joke at her that she didn't appreciate.

00:24:54.000 She was mad at me about this joke.

00:24:56.000 And I'm also telling her, like, look, I'm feeling well.

00:24:58.000 And then it happened.

00:25:00.000 I get up and I vomit.

00:25:02.000 And then there was nothing.

00:25:03.000 I vomited my hands.

00:25:04.000 I run to the bathroom.

00:25:06.000 And then it's just like, it's coming out of both holes.

00:25:09.000 And this is going on for all night.

00:25:12.000 I'm dead.

00:25:13.000 And the way she was acting, oh my god. 1.00

00:25:16.000 How was she acting?

00:25:17.000 She was like, you're ruining the trail.

00:25:19.000 Whoa.

00:25:20.000 So at the time, I was like, ooh.

00:25:22.000 But we weren't as close as we are now.

00:25:24.000 We've since resolved the issue.

00:25:27.000 But at the time, I was like, I can't be with somebody that's not going to live.

00:25:31.000 Right?

00:25:32.000 She ordered room service while I was sick, bro!

00:25:35.000 Wow.

00:25:37.000 She was already writing it off.

00:25:38.000 Yeah, yeah.

00:25:39.000 She's like, well, I'm going to go ahead and get it. 1.00

00:25:40.000 I'm going to have a fucking cheeseburger. 1.00

00:25:41.000 Then that was making me more sick. 1.00

00:25:43.000 The food smell.

00:25:44.000 So I'm outside.

00:25:48.000 But then she was like, I was mad at you for your jokes.

00:25:52.000 I always tell her, she goes, she said to me one day, you know, my brothers, they used to tease me all the time when I was growing up.

00:25:59.000 And I said, then why'd you get with a comic?

00:26:01.000 Yeah.

00:26:02.000 Something's going on.

00:26:03.000 You know how we say we get with our mother...

00:26:06.000 Whatever the qualities are.

00:26:08.000 So I think whatever you're close to in your life.

00:26:10.000 So she's accustomed to people giving her a hard time.

00:26:13.000 Giving her a hard time.

00:26:13.000 Even though she didn't like it, she went with you.

00:26:15.000 So we're trying to balance it out.

00:26:18.000 This has got to be compromised.

00:26:19.000 You've got to meet.

00:26:19.000 You know what I mean?

00:26:20.000 If she's here and you're here, you've got to go like this.

00:26:22.000 The worst thing ever is when you just start dating someone and you go on a vacation with them and it goes sour.

00:26:27.000 And you're stuck with them for like five days in some spot.

00:26:31.000 And it usually happens, by the way, on the plane ride over.

00:26:35.000 There's something that happens on the plane where you're like, oh, I don't like you.

00:26:39.000 And we're going to be on this plane for six more hours.

00:26:42.000 And then you know you're going to get to this hotel.

00:26:44.000 I mean, that's why you have to be compatible with somebody before you travel.

00:26:47.000 Make sure.

00:26:47.000 Be compatible.

00:26:48.000 Oh yeah, you have to make sure.

00:26:49.000 Even things like, I want to go out and do things.

00:26:53.000 Maybe if you're an outdoorsy person and you want to leave the hotel.

00:26:56.000 Or maybe you're not.

00:26:57.000 Maybe you're a person that wants to take advantage of everything in the hotel.

00:27:00.000 Or you're on vacation and you want to chill.

00:27:02.000 That has to be established.

00:27:04.000 Or you're going to be in a situation where you're like, what are we still doing in the hotel?

00:27:08.000 Or the other person's like, I don't want to go.

00:27:10.000 Why are we going out?

00:27:11.000 I like margaritas on the beach.

00:27:14.000 I just want to drink margaritas and then fall asleep.

00:27:18.000 And here are the waves.

00:27:18.000 We survived, though.

00:27:20.000 We survived it.

00:27:21.000 She made you change your phone, though. 0.99

00:27:23.000 It's kind of fucked up. 0.99

00:27:24.000 I know. 0.99

00:27:24.000 That was the compromise. 0.99

00:27:25.000 As soon as it's over, bro.

00:27:26.000 As soon as it's over, you're going right back to Sam.

00:27:29.000 Aren't you?

00:27:29.000 I'm going to be the Andrew.

00:27:30.000 Yeah.

00:27:31.000 I don't know if it's going to be over.

00:27:32.000 We're coming up on a year. 1.00

00:27:34.000 Ooh, shit. 1.00

00:27:34.000 Yeah, we're coming up on a year. 1.00

00:27:36.000 But I hear people.

00:27:37.000 You know what it is?

00:27:38.000 It's people like you. 1.00

00:27:38.000 It's your fucking fault. 1.00

00:27:39.000 It can work. 1.00

00:27:40.000 You're on stage talking about your great family and how you deal with it.

00:27:46.000 Yeah, you think about these things, man.

00:27:47.000 How old are you now?

00:27:48.000 I'm 46. So you're thinking about shooting live ones in there?

00:27:51.000 I'm thinking about like, you know what, maybe it's time.

00:27:54.000 You know what it is?

00:27:56.000 Super successful, but I've enjoyed my career.

00:27:58.000 And now I'm like, oh, I enjoy this.

00:28:00.000 I want to share this with someone that really cares about me.

00:28:03.000 And one thing I'll say for her, I feel the love.

00:28:07.000 That's awesome.

00:28:07.000 Yeah, I really do feel the love.

00:28:09.000 She's a very loving woman, very beautiful.

00:28:11.000 And so she got used to you after a while and understands your jokiness.

00:28:15.000 Right, right.

00:28:16.000 And appreciates you.

00:28:16.000 Knows you're a good guy.

00:28:17.000 I'll tell you something that she did.

00:28:19.000 This is why we've been talking about her right now.

00:28:21.000 Something that she moved me, Joe.

00:28:23.000 The other day, we were having like a little fight.

00:28:26.000 A little fight?

00:28:26.000 A little fight.

00:28:27.000 And then it was obviously I was like, we're not communicating, I told her.

00:28:31.000 You know what she did?

00:28:32.000 She downloaded Communicating With Your Man audiobook.

00:28:37.000 And we sat and listened to it together.

00:28:40.000 And it was like...

00:28:42.000 That's why I quit.

00:28:43.000 I'm out.

00:28:43.000 But check this.

00:28:45.000 I changed my phone number and threw my phone in the ocean.

00:28:48.000 It was like the guy that wrote the book was talking about her.

00:28:55.000 That was the best part about it.

00:28:57.000 It would be something like, you know what you shouldn't do with your man is don't have a look on your face of disgust when you're mad.

00:29:04.000 It was like all these things.

00:29:06.000 And then there was one moment where I'm going like this.

00:29:08.000 I have my hands in the air.

00:29:09.000 And it was like, it's your man's body language.

00:29:11.000 If he has his hands in the air.

00:29:14.000 That's your time to back off.

00:29:16.000 And I was like, did you date this guy?

00:29:18.000 Because he's talking about you right now.

00:29:19.000 You know what I mean?

00:29:20.000 But I thought the gesture of being like, hey, I need to improve.

00:29:24.000 I need to, like...

00:29:26.000 Change how I feel or like, you know, let me look at self-reflect.

00:29:31.000 That act of that self-reflection with her, that was, that speak volumes for her and her character.

00:29:38.000 And it really made me go, okay, you really want to, you want to make this work.

00:29:41.000 That's awesome.

00:29:42.000 Yeah.

00:29:43.000 So I said, okay, I want to make it work.

00:29:44.000 How old is she? 0.98

00:29:45.000 29. Oh, okay.

00:29:47.000 Yeah, so she's at that age.

00:29:48.000 I should not have said that.

00:29:49.000 No, it's a good age.

00:29:50.000 I'm going to get in so much trouble.

00:29:51.000 Why?

00:29:51.000 You're not supposed to tell ages?

00:29:52.000 I'm not supposed to tell her.

00:29:53.000 She won't... 1.00

00:29:54.000 Well, the cat's out the bag now, so fuck it, right? 1.00

00:29:58.000 You didn't say her name. 0.99

00:30:00.000 You can just go to my Instagram and you're going to say... 1.00

00:30:02.000 Oh, shit. 1.00

00:30:02.000 Oh, my God. 1.00

00:30:04.000 I'm so sorry.

00:30:04.000 I'm in trouble.

00:30:05.000 It's a good age.

00:30:05.000 She's a young lady.

00:30:07.000 What's the problem?

00:30:07.000 I know, but that's part of the problem.

00:30:09.000 No, because she doesn't want people to know. 0.96

00:30:12.000 She wants people to think she's 23. So I said, hey, that makes me look like a creeper.

00:30:20.000 Even this age difference is a little iffy, right?

00:30:24.000 It's weird how we just make rules as to how old someone can be to be with someone else, but it changes after a while, right? 0.96

00:30:33.000 Like once you get, like if the dude is like 90 and the woman's 50, we don't give a fuck. 0.99

00:30:40.000 We don't give a fuck. 0.99

00:30:40.000 Whatever. 0.99

00:30:41.000 No, no.

00:30:41.000 I would say to me, it's like, it's gotta be 30. Like, you know, like she's at the cusp of it.

00:30:47.000 I think once a woman gets to like 28, 29, 30 in that age range, then this, the other part, it doesn't matter. 0.70

00:30:53.000 Depending on what they got going on in their life.

00:30:55.000 But age, it's not about the age.

00:30:57.000 It's about experience level.

00:30:59.000 It's about where are you in your life?

00:31:00.000 So the one thing I struggle with is that, like, look, I'm knee deep in my career.

00:31:04.000 But I remember when I was 30, I wasn't doing this.

00:31:07.000 I was...

00:31:08.000 I just started.

00:31:09.000 You were hustling.

00:31:09.000 I was hustling.

00:31:10.000 So I go, I have to remember that, that this is her hustle years.

00:31:13.000 So you started doing stand-up at 30?

00:31:15.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:31:16.000 That's a late start, right?

00:31:18.000 I started, I went to a comedy class when I was in my early 20s, because my mom's one of the supportive women.

00:31:24.000 I said, hey mom, I think I want to be a comedian.

00:31:26.000 Next day...

00:31:28.000 I'm signed up at UCLA Extension with a notebook.

00:31:33.000 She's like, here's a notebook.

00:31:33.000 Yeah, that's all my mom.

00:31:34.000 If I said I wanted to be a rock climber, my mom was like, okay, she would have bought ropes and hooked me up with the... 0.99

00:31:40.000 Because she wanted me out of the fucking house. 1.00

00:31:42.000 She wanted me when I was young. 1.00

00:31:44.000 So I went to the class, taught by Sandy Shore.

00:31:48.000 Oh, Jesus.

00:31:50.000 I thought this was going to be it.

00:31:53.000 Her mom owns the Comedy Store.

00:31:55.000 I'm going to make it.

00:31:56.000 How bad was the advice?

00:31:59.000 Look at you.

00:32:00.000 Wow. 1.00

00:32:01.000 This motherfucker right here, boy. 1.00

00:32:06.000 Joe Rogan trying to start shit! 1.00

00:32:08.000 Excuse me, how good was the advice? 0.99

00:32:10.000 It wasn't good.

00:32:10.000 Come on.

00:32:12.000 I misspoke.

00:32:12.000 Can I tell you this?

00:32:14.000 I suggest to anyone, if you want to be a comic, go to one comedy class.

00:32:21.000 Just for the comfort of the environment and the support.

00:32:24.000 Go to one comedy class, but after that you've got to get out there to the open mics and you've got to do it on your own.

00:32:28.000 But I suggest one comedy class.

00:32:30.000 There's nothing wrong with the comedy class.

00:32:32.000 So I went and I loved that.

00:32:33.000 And then, by the way, the showcase for the graduation was at the Comedy Store in the OR. So the first time I ever did stand-up comedy was in the OR at the Comedy Store.

00:32:44.000 Damn. 0.99

00:32:45.000 What year was this? 1.00

00:32:46.000 It was like 90-something, man.

00:32:47.000 It was like 92, 93. And you know what I remember specifically?

00:32:51.000 It was like after our show, they just rolled into the OR show.

00:32:55.000 First guy on stage, Carlos Mencia.

00:32:57.000 Wow.

00:32:58.000 And he goes on.

00:32:59.000 And at the time, he was like, you know...

00:33:01.000 Taco Bell!

00:33:02.000 And you know...

00:33:04.000 Just at that time, he was like...

00:33:06.000 Just that phrase!

00:33:07.000 At the time, he was like, Taco Bell! 0.99

00:33:10.000 That is fucking hilarious. 0.97

00:33:11.000 And I remember watching him, and at the time, at the time, I remember watching him thinking, I think I can do this. 0.97

00:33:17.000 You know?

00:33:18.000 Because I had a great set.

00:33:19.000 I had a great first set.

00:33:21.000 You know how that goes.

00:33:22.000 It's supportive people in the crowd, and I have my funny, hacky jokes that I was doing at the time, just what I thought was new.

00:33:29.000 I remember one of my jokes was like, I was like, how come you can't recognize Superman?

00:33:32.000 And then I would take my glasses off, you know?

00:33:35.000 I'll be like, look, I'm Clark Kent.

00:33:37.000 Take him off.

00:33:37.000 Superman!

00:33:38.000 You know, that was like, I thought that was hilarious at the time.

00:33:41.000 No black people on Jeopardy. 1.00

00:33:43.000 That was another one of my jokes. 0.94

00:33:44.000 That's a good one.

00:33:44.000 Yeah, so I had black categories on Jeopardy.

00:33:47.000 Blind singers, barbecue holidays. 1.00

00:33:50.000 I was killing back then with that shit, man. 1.00

00:33:54.000 Isn't it brutal, though, when you go to a real show with that shit and it's crickets? 1.00

00:34:00.000 But on an open mic night, it's weird, right? 0.99

00:34:02.000 There's open mic night material where it does okay on open mic nights.

00:34:07.000 And you're like, this is some good material, I just gotta develop it.

00:34:09.000 I don't even think it's even open mic.

00:34:11.000 I think even worse is doing it in front of a crowd.

00:34:14.000 You know, this is what happens to get, we're getting sidetracked, but I love it.

00:34:17.000 You know when you go into Middle America, when you first were coming up and you were still a major headliner, and then like the local guy will be there.

00:34:22.000 That local guy is now gonna be on Joe Rogan's show in Iowa, and he's gonna be performing in front of two or three hundred people.

00:34:30.000 That type of hacking material is gonna kill with those people.

00:34:34.000 Then that person now thinks that this is how you do it, and they bring that to LA and New York.

00:34:40.000 And then they're like, how come this isn't working?

00:34:42.000 And then they're seeing like a thousand other comics talking about the same subjects, and then they don't realize how they have to find some originality in what they're doing.

00:34:52.000 And that's the hard part.

00:34:54.000 That's the hard part.

00:34:55.000 There's not a lot of subjects to talk about.

00:34:58.000 You're not the first comic to get married and have daughters.

00:35:01.000 But this experience that you had is personal to you.

00:35:07.000 And conveying that is the hard part.

00:35:10.000 And so people kind of go just surface with their material.

00:35:13.000 It's hard to delve deeper.

00:35:15.000 It's hard to have the confidence to drag a subject out, too.

00:35:19.000 When you first start out, your premises are so short.

00:35:23.000 And then you go from one short premise to another short premise.

00:35:26.000 Then it becomes a bit.

00:35:28.000 And the bit becomes a set.

00:35:32.000 And then now you're talking about...

00:35:34.000 I often tell comics that it's like music.

00:35:39.000 If you heard a Neptunes beat, you could hear it from a mile away.

00:35:44.000 You can know when you hear it, you go, oh, I bet you the Neptunes produced that track.

00:35:50.000 Or a premiere, you know, the DJ premiere.

00:35:53.000 Right.

00:35:53.000 He would produce a beat and you'd be like, oh, that's a premiere beat.

00:35:55.000 Your comedy is the same way.

00:35:58.000 When you're working on things, you work on it in your way that if you looked at all your material, you might now see the common thread and that's how you put together an act.

00:36:09.000 Right.

00:36:10.000 30 minutes, 40 minutes.

00:36:11.000 That's how you're able to talk about a subject for so long because we've now woven together these thoughts that we don't think are connected, but when we look at them, we go, oh, I'm actually...

00:36:20.000 This subject actually flows into this, and it connects very nicely.

00:36:24.000 So that's what was going on.

00:36:27.000 So I'm watching, again, I'm watching Mencia at the time.

00:36:30.000 I'm just a young kid.

00:36:32.000 I don't know what to do next.

00:36:34.000 I just had a great set, I thought.

00:36:36.000 And now I'm looking at these professionals, and I saw Mencia.

00:36:38.000 And at that particular time, I was like, I saw him, and when he talked about Taco Bell and stuff, I thought, you know, I think I could do this, you know?

00:36:46.000 And then he brought up Chris Tucker.

00:36:50.000 And Chris Tucker went on stage and I thought to myself, I don't think I could do this.

00:36:54.000 Just the way he was so, like, with his voice, man!

00:36:58.000 Chris Tucker was on fire back then.

00:37:01.000 Yeah, just his whole persona, and I didn't know what to do.

00:37:04.000 So I floundered around, I did open mics.

00:37:06.000 So you got nervous when you saw Chris Tucker?

00:37:08.000 Yes, I did.

00:37:08.000 Because he was so powerful.

00:37:09.000 It was just so, it was something special about what he was doing.

00:37:12.000 And I just thought, I don't know if, I don't, I just was, I didn't have it at that time, man.

00:37:17.000 I was so just nervous and scared and arrogant too, because I was a funny guy. 0.96

00:37:21.000 So then I would go to open mics and then the same people doing the same shit over and over and over again. 0.92

00:37:27.000 Then I wouldn't go to another open mic for another four weeks. 0.96

00:37:29.000 Then I see the same people and I thought, well, how do you get from here?

00:37:32.000 How do you get on the, you know, I didn't know.

00:37:35.000 There was no mentors.

00:37:36.000 There was no people going like, let me help you with this.

00:37:39.000 You know, you couldn't even talk to someone, like, of your stature at all.

00:37:42.000 Like, you know, at the time, you couldn't just be some open-miker.

00:37:44.000 And, by the way, they shouldn't do that.

00:37:46.000 You know what I mean?

00:37:47.000 Like, you know, at the Comedy Store and some dude comes up to you, you're just kind of like, what do you want to talk to me about right now, dude?

00:37:54.000 Like, you just started.

00:37:55.000 I always approach, I think, especially when they work there as door guys, I feel like everybody's just a comic.

00:38:02.000 That's different.

00:38:03.000 That's different.

00:38:04.000 But even still, I don't know if it's so appropriate for a door guy to come up to you and be like, yo, can I open for you at Irvine?

00:38:15.000 Dude, some guy just did that the other day. 0.99

00:38:17.000 Bitch, I don't know you. 1.00

00:38:18.000 I don't know you at all. 1.00

00:38:19.000 I have friends.

00:38:20.000 By the way, I used to do that.

00:38:22.000 Did you?

00:38:23.000 Yeah, I used to do that.

00:38:24.000 You know Johnny Sanchez?

00:38:25.000 Sure.

00:38:26.000 First was coming up, I went to Johnny.

00:38:27.000 I was like, Johnny, let me open for you.

00:38:28.000 I'm a juggernaut.

00:38:31.000 Is that what you said?

00:38:31.000 I told him I was a juggernaut.

00:38:33.000 I said, I'm trying to bury these headliners, man.

00:38:36.000 That's what I was trying to...

00:38:37.000 That's what you told him?

00:38:38.000 Yeah, that's what you thought you were supposed to do.

00:38:40.000 Did he check his watch?

00:38:41.000 Oh, look at the time.

00:38:43.000 Yeah.

00:38:44.000 He's teased me ever since.

00:38:46.000 15 years later, he's still teasing me about it.

00:38:50.000 So I didn't know what I was doing.

00:38:53.000 I didn't know how to...

00:38:54.000 What are you supposed to do, man?

00:38:56.000 There's no clear path.

00:38:57.000 It's not like being a doctor.

00:38:58.000 There's no right or wrong way, either.

00:39:00.000 I didn't know.

00:39:00.000 That's true, too.

00:39:01.000 I grew up in L.A. I was born and raised in L.A. So I'm in L.A. trying to get on a stage where I go to the laugh.

00:39:07.000 I was telling you earlier, I saw you at the Laugh Factory with hair, you know, and just like, man, you were on stage.

00:39:16.000 Like, I'm not, like, you were just giving it. 0.94

00:39:21.000 There's a certain energy you had about what you were talking about that I was like, damn, what happened to this guy? 0.97

00:39:28.000 Like, I remember the first thought, I was like, man, some woman hurt him. 0.95

00:39:32.000 That's hilarious.

00:39:33.000 Or something.

00:39:34.000 Something happened.

00:39:35.000 And I thought, I don't know if I've tapped into that yet, I thought at the time.

00:39:38.000 I don't know if I've tapped into that.

00:39:40.000 So it took a long time for me to realize, oh no, this is what I want to do.

00:39:43.000 But everybody's different. 0.99

00:39:45.000 Some people go up there and they're excited and angry about shit. 0.99

00:39:48.000 And some people go up there and they're mellow. 0.99

00:39:50.000 And that's the funny part.

00:39:54.000 They're chilled out, slow punchlines, you know?

00:39:59.000 But even if you...

00:40:00.000 Like Segura, perfect example.

00:40:02.000 Just could tell a story and have you captivated.

00:40:05.000 Yeah, there's no anger.

00:40:06.000 There's no screaming emotions.

00:40:09.000 Segura's just chilled out.

00:40:10.000 But don't you find yourself, have you ever gone up in a bit, because you have a way of performing, like, you know, you have a, you know, it's Joe mode, you know, you're on there, it's going to be powerful, and you're like really, and then have you ever just gone on and kind of like not done it that way,

00:40:26.000 but then now you get laughs at a completely different point in your set?

00:40:29.000 With new material, for sure.

00:40:31.000 Yeah, because you're trying to find the...

00:40:32.000 Yeah, you're trying to find the beats.

00:40:34.000 I set material up to fail sometimes.

00:40:37.000 I'll go into a bit slower, and I'll go into a bit more casual and try to ramp it up rather than try to make it...

00:40:45.000 Sometimes when you get a new bit, especially when you first start out, you're like, this bit is shaky.

00:40:49.000 Let me just get it out of the gate with a lot of momentum so that I can kind of coast with it. 0.97

00:40:54.000 But sometimes I'll say, alright, well this bit might be all just bullshit. 0.95

00:40:57.000 Or what Tom calls, Tom Segura calls them dance moves. 0.97

00:41:01.000 I used to call it English.

00:41:02.000 English on the cue ball.

00:41:04.000 Because sometimes you're just, you're hamming it up.

00:41:07.000 But the substance isn't there.

00:41:09.000 I know exactly what you're saying.

00:41:09.000 You're doing that thing that you do that no makes people laugh.

00:41:12.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:41:12.000 It's really difficult.

00:41:13.000 Jazzing it up.

00:41:13.000 It's really difficult for me because I'm just a funny looking guy.

00:41:17.000 You know?

00:41:17.000 I mean, I accept it.

00:41:19.000 I'm not a looker.

00:41:20.000 You know what I mean?

00:41:21.000 I'm cute.

00:41:22.000 You know what I'm saying?

00:41:22.000 You're a handsome fella.

00:41:23.000 I like your mustache.

00:41:23.000 I'm a handsome guy.

00:41:24.000 Yeah.

00:41:25.000 The mustache works with you.

00:41:25.000 I know my qualities, right?

00:41:27.000 But I know that I could do a thing that they're thinking, are they laughing at what I'm talking about?

00:41:32.000 Like, are they with me emotionally?

00:41:34.000 Are they with me intellectually?

00:41:35.000 Or are they just going like, ah, this guy's funny.

00:41:37.000 Right.

00:41:38.000 And it's hard to recognize that.

00:41:40.000 Hmm.

00:41:41.000 Yeah, right?

00:41:42.000 Like, what do you want from them?

00:41:44.000 Do you want to connect with them?

00:41:46.000 Do you want them to laugh?

00:41:47.000 Do you want both?

00:41:48.000 Do you want them to appreciate you?

00:41:50.000 You just want them to have a good time?

00:41:52.000 Or do you even want them to laugh at how you are connected to what you're talking about?

00:41:57.000 Because that's different, too.

00:41:58.000 Like, if you're a political comic, people might laugh at how passionate you are about being a libertarian, or how passionate you are about being an atheist.

00:42:08.000 Maybe they don't agree with you, or maybe they do agree with you, but they're laughing at how you are connected to what you're saying.

00:42:15.000 And I think that that's another element.

00:42:17.000 That's a whole other thing.

00:42:19.000 I look at all my friends.

00:42:20.000 We have a lot of peers, our friends that we just go, they all have something different in that way.

00:42:27.000 It's an amazing thing to watch.

00:42:30.000 It's a crazy art form because nobody could tell you how to do it.

00:42:33.000 It's not like any other art form.

00:42:34.000 Yeah, it really...

00:42:35.000 You know, like, if you went into music, or I went into music, like, you could be in a rock band, or you could be in a blues band, or you could do, like, country music, and everybody would be clearly defined.

00:42:45.000 Yeah.

00:42:45.000 But you just do stand-up.

00:42:47.000 Yeah.

00:42:47.000 It's just stand-up.

00:42:48.000 I mean, there's no categories.

00:42:50.000 You know what's funny about that, though, is I know that there's no categories, but I do think that it is similar to music in that we're not going to change the rules of communication.

00:42:59.000 And I think that's where people get in the way.

00:43:01.000 So when you're on a piano, you're not going to make new chords.

00:43:04.000 It's still going to be A, B, C, D, G. You know what I mean?

00:43:07.000 And certain chords, when they go together, are not going to sound good.

00:43:11.000 No matter what, you're not going to reinvent the wheel.

00:43:13.000 So I think the baseline of comedy is just being able to communicate your points.

00:43:18.000 And I think when you're a person that can communicate your points and they're solid and clear, then the jokes on top of that are what the entertainment is going to be.

00:43:29.000 But you know, you still got to like, you know when somebody says they're telling a story and nobody says anything and then they go, well, you know, you had to be there.

00:43:35.000 Well, that's a horrible storyteller.

00:43:37.000 That's what that is.

00:43:39.000 You'll never hear Joey Diaz say that.

00:43:40.000 Never! 1.00

00:43:42.000 You had to be there, cocksucker! 1.00

00:43:47.000 That would be like, well, I don't know if I want to be there, bro. 1.00

00:43:50.000 Yeah, how to be there means you failed in communicating.

00:43:53.000 So I think that on that level, even though all comics are different, but that level of like, so when you say set up, that is important.

00:44:02.000 It's universal to all of us.

00:44:04.000 You have to set this up.

00:44:05.000 Yeah, but I mean, that's just the case with all songs and everything too, but there's styles, you know, like there's certain styles of comedy.

00:44:12.000 I guess there's styles of comedy, but they vary so much.

00:44:16.000 There's no distinct style.

00:44:17.000 Like if you heard, like, put an example, Hank Williams Jr., like, well, that's clearly country.

00:44:23.000 And you just hear it, you know, right away.

00:44:25.000 You hear...

00:44:26.000 Yeah, there's something twangy about it.

00:44:28.000 It's like, that's country.

00:44:30.000 There's something about the story.

00:44:31.000 I love country with a good story, you know?

00:44:33.000 Driving down the highway, you know, whatever.

00:44:35.000 All you have to do is hear a couple of words.

00:44:37.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah. 1.00

00:44:38.000 I know what the fuck this is. 0.99

00:44:39.000 Yeah, this guy's hurt. 0.99

00:44:39.000 He doesn't even have to have music behind it. 0.99

00:44:42.000 You know what?

00:44:42.000 He's sad.

00:44:43.000 You were comedy at the time.

00:44:44.000 It was the country music of comedy.

00:44:46.000 I think you're misrepresenting us.

00:44:48.000 It was a story.

00:44:51.000 You felt the anguish.

00:44:54.000 I don't think that's what I was doing at the time.

00:44:59.000 Are you trying to look back and think...

00:45:00.000 Isn't it weird, though?

00:45:00.000 But you had hair.

00:45:01.000 It was a whole different guy.

00:45:03.000 Yeah.

00:45:03.000 You know, you weren't this...

00:45:04.000 You're a solid muscle now.

00:45:06.000 Like, I don't know if you have...

00:45:07.000 What's your body fat count right now?

00:45:09.000 I don't get it checked.

00:45:10.000 Oh, okay.

00:45:11.000 That's probably better.

00:45:12.000 It's probably better to think that it's better than it probably is.

00:45:15.000 I think if you went, you might be disappointed.

00:45:18.000 The last time I checked, it was 10%.

00:45:20.000 Oh, my God.

00:45:21.000 It's not very low.

00:45:22.000 I'm probably like 30%, 35% body fat.

00:45:25.000 That's crazy.

00:45:25.000 Yeah.

00:45:26.000 I gotta do something.

00:45:27.000 It's not good.

00:45:27.000 That's not good.

00:45:28.000 But you know what it is?

00:45:29.000 My blood pressure's good.

00:45:31.000 That's good.

00:45:32.000 Yeah, because I... You told me you were boxing now?

00:45:34.000 I'm trying to box, man.

00:45:35.000 Start working out.

00:45:36.000 I'm going to the boxing thing, and it's like...

00:45:38.000 Where are you doing?

00:45:38.000 I go to Gloveworks.

00:45:39.000 Where's that?

00:45:40.000 Gloveworks in Century City. 1.00

00:45:41.000 Oh, shit. 0.99

00:45:42.000 Getting your bugs on. 1.00

00:45:44.000 Hitting pads?

00:45:45.000 The guy's holding the thing, and there's something that tricks you with that, though.

00:45:50.000 Yeah, because they hit back.

00:45:51.000 Yeah, hitting back.

00:45:52.000 After I've done it a few times, I'm walking around in public like, I wish somebody would test me.

00:46:00.000 Like, they're going to hold up their hands and fight me like this.

00:46:03.000 But, you know what's something about going to boxing?

00:46:05.000 It's changed my perception of women. 1.00

00:46:08.000 Women in the boxing thing, like, they really... 1.00

00:46:11.000 That shit is... 1.00

00:46:13.000 When you see a, you know, I'm working out with five people. 1.00

00:46:16.000 And then the woman goes in. 1.00

00:46:17.000 And the guy's like, come on!

00:46:19.000 You know?

00:46:19.000 And she's like, ba-ba [...]-ba!

00:46:21.000 And I'm just like, god damn, this is, she's good. 0.98

00:46:24.000 This is, she's great! 0.99

00:46:25.000 I'm like, you can handle yourself. 1.00

00:46:27.000 All my preconceived notions of like, and it's something stupid, a stupid male thing is to see a woman fighting and then the first thought is, oh yeah, somebody hurt her. 1.00

00:46:36.000 You know. 1.00

00:46:36.000 You got a lot of that in you. 1.00

00:46:38.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:46:38.000 You're doing that with me.

00:46:39.000 I know.

00:46:39.000 I have this thing.

00:46:40.000 People are hurt.

00:46:43.000 Everybody's getting hurt.

00:46:44.000 Everybody's hurt.

00:46:46.000 Oh, God.

00:46:47.000 This is like therapy.

00:46:49.000 It's coming out.

00:46:50.000 Maybe I was hurt.

00:46:51.000 Maybe you need a cassette.

00:46:52.000 Maybe I need a cassette.

00:46:52.000 Do you need one of them self-assets?

00:46:54.000 I do.

00:46:55.000 I'm working on it.

00:46:56.000 Cassettes.

00:46:56.000 Man, I just dated myself.

00:46:57.000 You're old as fuck. 1.00

00:46:57.000 Old as fuck. 1.00

00:46:58.000 There's kids out there going, like, what is that cassette? 1.00

00:47:00.000 What's that cassette?

00:47:01.000 They don't even know what a CD is.

00:47:02.000 They don't even know what a CD is. 1.00

00:47:03.000 How about a Laserdisc, you little fuck? 1.00

00:47:05.000 What? 1.00

00:47:06.000 What is this?

00:47:07.000 But the boxing's been cool.

00:47:08.000 It's a fun workout.

00:47:10.000 Angry women are weird, though. 1.00

00:47:11.000 It is weird.

00:47:12.000 Somebody sent me a picture of this MMA chick. 1.00

00:47:14.000 There's this woman who's down. 1.00

00:47:18.000 I don't know who the lady is. 1.00

00:47:20.000 I'm not familiar with her.

00:47:21.000 She doesn't fight in the UFC. But she's got blood on her. 1.00

00:47:24.000 And she's going like this.

00:47:25.000 And she's standing up over this chick. 1.00

00:47:27.000 She's like this. 0.99

00:47:30.000 And I'm like, damn, that is an angry woman. 1.00

00:47:32.000 Listen, I... I can't do those kind of... 0.99

00:47:35.000 I don't like male UFC. It's just too violent for me.

00:47:38.000 Have you ever been live?

00:47:40.000 No.

00:47:40.000 Do you want to go?

00:47:41.000 I would go.

00:47:42.000 I was watching the other day because I heard your voice.

00:47:44.000 Just one in LA in August.

00:47:46.000 I'll go.

00:47:46.000 I want to go.

00:47:47.000 I'll get you good seats.

00:47:48.000 It just seems so like...

00:47:50.000 It is that.

00:47:51.000 By the way...

00:47:52.000 I find it, like, I don't like watching women hit each other, you know? 1.00

00:47:57.000 I just don't like it.

00:47:58.000 I don't know, maybe that's my male thing, you know?

00:48:00.000 But I think that, like, how can we be in a society where we're talking about no violence against women unless it's pay-per-view?

00:48:05.000 Well, no.

00:48:06.000 No violence against women by men is what they mean.

00:48:09.000 And this isn't violence against women, it's a competition. 1.00

00:48:12.000 Do you think that that woman that beat up Ronda Rousey Amanda Nunes. 1.00

00:48:17.000 Do you think that I fight better than her? 1.00

00:48:21.000 No, she'll fuck you up. 1.00

00:48:22.000 She will fuck me up. 1.00

00:48:23.000 But that's Amanda Nunes. 1.00

00:48:24.000 Okay, but if I hit Ronda Rousey in the face, her and I go out on a date, something happens, we have a scuffle, and it gets on video that I punch Ronda Rousey in the face, I'm now a pariah in society for the rest of my life. 0.91

00:48:38.000 But this woman who trains and is like a beast... 1.00

00:48:44.000 We'll beat her up. 1.00

00:48:45.000 I just, I can't get the disconnect. 0.94

00:48:47.000 I can't.

00:48:48.000 There's not a disconnect.

00:48:49.000 It's competition.

00:48:49.000 It's a sport.

00:48:50.000 So?

00:48:51.000 I don't understand where you're missing the connection.

00:48:55.000 There's such a big difference between Eric Griffin. 0.98

00:48:58.000 First of all, Ron ain't going on a fucking date with you, let's be honest. 0.98

00:49:01.000 Hey, you don't know that. 0.99

00:49:04.000 First of all, how dare you? 1.00

00:49:05.000 Travis Brown, he's a fucking killer. 1.00

00:49:07.000 Okay, well maybe they had a tough patch. 1.00

00:49:10.000 He's a heavyweight UFC fighter.

00:49:12.000 Okay, so they have a tough patch that week and she's going out to get some...

00:49:15.000 She's like, I'm done.

00:49:16.000 I need some strange.

00:49:16.000 I'm done with you.

00:49:16.000 I need some strange.

00:49:18.000 She went to the comedy store.

00:49:19.000 She wants to laugh.

00:49:19.000 I'm tired of being with a killer.

00:49:20.000 You know, she wants somebody cuddly. 1.00

00:49:23.000 Soft.

00:49:23.000 Squishy.

00:49:24.000 She wants somebody soft and squishy and then we go out on a date.

00:49:26.000 You don't know.

00:49:27.000 And you wind up punching her. 0.99

00:49:28.000 How the fuck does that ever happen? 0.99

00:49:29.000 I don't know. 0.98

00:49:30.000 Have you ever punched anybody in your life?

00:49:32.000 A girl?

00:49:32.000 No, no.

00:49:33.000 Well, when I was in the sixth grade, I think I had a fight with a girl one time.

00:49:36.000 And that's the first time I learned you're not supposed to hit a girl.

00:49:39.000 Oh, sixth grade. 0.75

00:49:39.000 Because she was a bully. 0.75

00:49:40.000 Right. 0.98

00:49:41.000 She was a bully and she was pushing people and acting. 1.00

00:49:43.000 And she did something to me and I punched her. 1.00

00:49:45.000 And then no matter what she did, the whole yard went...

00:49:50.000 You know, like, you don't hit a girl?

00:49:52.000 And I was like, oh, but remember everybody hated her like a second ago?

00:49:56.000 Then all of a sudden?

00:49:57.000 So I knew at that point, I was like, oh, you can't do that.

00:49:59.000 I knew there was some kind of difference.

00:50:00.000 I learned it then.

00:50:01.000 Yeah, that's a good way to learn it, before it gets ugly.

00:50:04.000 Before it gets ugly, yeah.

00:50:05.000 Because I was still a little kid.

00:50:07.000 Yeah, it was probably younger than that, too, actually.

00:50:09.000 Break anybody's jaw.

00:50:11.000 Right, right, right, right, right, right.

00:50:12.000 And you know what pissed me off too?

00:50:13.000 I'll never forget this.

00:50:14.000 It's so vivid in my head that she immediately went from bully, strong, like, I run this courtyard to he hit me!

00:50:26.000 And I was like, I was like, what just happened?

00:50:29.000 You ever want to look her up?

00:50:30.000 Yeah, I know. 0.99

00:50:31.000 Just what the fuck she's done to her disaster of her life? 0.99

00:50:36.000 It was Condoleezza Rice, actually. 0.99

00:50:37.000 No kidding.

00:50:38.000 What if it was somebody like that?

00:50:39.000 That would be crazy.

00:50:40.000 She's angry at you for punching her all this time. 1.00

00:50:43.000 Starting war in Syria and shit. 0.99

00:50:44.000 But I'm saying it could happen. 0.99

00:50:46.000 I'm with Rhonda.

00:50:47.000 So let's go back to the difference between you punching Rhonda's. 0.94

00:50:50.000 That would be the last punch you ever threw. 0.94

00:50:52.000 She'd flip you on your head on the concrete, smash your head open, stomp you into a mud puddle. 1.00

00:50:57.000 And then... 0.96

00:50:58.000 If people caught all this on video, all they would say is, Eric Griffin hits a woman.

00:51:02.000 Yes.

00:51:04.000 Or he had it coming.

00:51:05.000 Yeah, right, right, right.

00:51:06.000 Good for her. 1.00

00:51:07.000 Domestic abuser, fuck with the wrong strong woman. 1.00

00:51:10.000 I don't know. 1.00

00:51:11.000 I don't like it.

00:51:12.000 But the difference between that and Rhonda's a professional mixed martial arts champion. 1.00

00:51:17.000 She's a champion and one of the greatest female champions of all time.

00:51:21.000 I didn't like seeing her face look like that.

00:51:23.000 She shouldn't have fought that woman. 0.99

00:51:25.000 I didn't like seeing it.

00:51:26.000 What I'm saying, though, is I didn't feel any of that.

00:51:29.000 I didn't feel any of, like, oh, it's the competition and she trains.

00:51:32.000 No.

00:51:32.000 What I saw is a bruised and battered woman.

00:51:35.000 That's what I saw.

00:51:36.000 And that's probably my problem.

00:51:37.000 Okay, so you must be talking about the Holly Holm fight, because that's when she was bruised and battered.

00:51:41.000 That's when she got head kicked, and she was bloody, and her face was a mess. 1.00

00:51:44.000 The Amanda Nunes fights were just 48 seconds of... 1.00

00:51:48.000 Knuckles in the face.

00:51:49.000 That was a quick fight. 0.99

00:51:50.000 She just got the fuck beat out of her in that fight. 1.00

00:51:52.000 But both of those fights... 0.98

00:51:54.000 But there's lessons in that.

00:51:56.000 See, you can fight in MMA. And there's danger and there's consequences.

00:52:01.000 But if you're in shape and you're prepared correctly, you can fight. 0.99

00:52:05.000 But there's a lot of women that weren't prepared correctly and Ron have fucked them up. 1.00

00:52:08.000 That's just how it goes. 0.99

00:52:10.000 Sometimes you're the namer.

00:52:11.000 Sometimes you're the hammer.

00:52:12.000 Sometimes you're the nail.

00:52:13.000 I think we also...

00:52:15.000 Pumped her up.

00:52:16.000 It was a money marketing...

00:52:18.000 It was great marketing, too.

00:52:20.000 She only had fought ten times.

00:52:22.000 I mean, I pumped her up.

00:52:23.000 Everybody pumped her up.

00:52:24.000 But it was me doing a lot of the...

00:52:26.000 But it was based on what she'd been able to accomplish. 0.99

00:52:29.000 It wasn't based on bullshit. 0.56

00:52:30.000 It was based on her actual performance inside the Octagon against people like Kat Zingano, against people like Sarah McMahon. 0.95

00:52:37.000 What she had done was supremely impressive.

00:52:40.000 But...

00:52:41.000 We love a champion.

00:52:44.000 We love undefeated.

00:52:45.000 We love being the best ever.

00:52:47.000 We get behind that.

00:52:50.000 And that's what was behind her going into that fight.

00:52:54.000 And it didn't look like that.

00:52:55.000 Well, that shouldn't have been behind her going into that fight.

00:52:58.000 Maybe the Holly Holm fight?

00:52:59.000 The Holly Holm fight.

00:53:00.000 But even the Holly Holm fight, she was under massive amounts of distractions.

00:53:04.000 They were going to do Roadhouse, remember?

00:53:07.000 They were going to do a Roadhouse movie.

00:53:09.000 She's having meetings with agents. 0.99

00:53:11.000 And they just thought she could fuck up anybody on the planet. 1.00

00:53:14.000 That's what I'm saying. 0.99

00:53:15.000 The problem is...

00:53:17.000 Unless you're 100% all in with your training and your learning and your development, you're making sure that you've got the right training partners and the right coaching and the right staff and nutrition and all these different things.

00:53:30.000 If you have any part of that missing, then the people coming up who have all those bases covered, they're going to surpass you.

00:53:38.000 Because they're talented too, and that's what happened with her. 0.98

00:53:40.000 You're knee-deep in the world.

00:53:41.000 You know everything about it, okay?

00:53:43.000 As a layperson.

00:53:45.000 Right. 1.00

00:53:45.000 Just looking at them standing next to each other, I was like, oh, is she going to get her ass beat? 1.00

00:53:49.000 So you're looking at Ronda standing next to Holly Holm, you thought that Ronda was going to get her ass beat? 1.00

00:53:53.000 Yes. 0.97

00:53:54.000 When I saw it, I was like, how's this going to work?

00:53:56.000 Why did you think that?

00:53:57.000 I don't know.

00:53:58.000 Just the eye test.

00:53:59.000 She just looked bigger.

00:54:00.000 Holly's very physically impressive. 1.00

00:54:01.000 She looked bigger.

00:54:02.000 I thought she was physically bigger than this person.

00:54:05.000 Have you ever seen Sarah McMahon?

00:54:06.000 No.

00:54:06.000 Ronda stopped Sarah McMahon in one round.

00:54:08.000 Sarah McMahon was an Olympic silver medalist in wrestling, and she's a tank. 1.00

00:54:12.000 I wasn't into it like that.

00:54:13.000 Maybe if I'd seen that, I would have been like, well, this is going to be a good fight.

00:54:16.000 But that was my first time.

00:54:18.000 And just looking at it, I was like, this doesn't look like this is going to be a good fight.

00:54:21.000 That's just...

00:54:24.000 I just didn't think it was going to be a good fight.

00:54:27.000 And then you hear you guys talking.

00:54:30.000 You hear the guys going like, Holly Holm said she's a boxer and this and that.

00:54:34.000 And I'm like, oh, wow.

00:54:35.000 This isn't going to go well.

00:54:36.000 And then sure enough, it didn't go well.

00:54:38.000 So then that made me have the respect level for female... 1.00

00:54:43.000 You know, fighting if I'm just coming in.

00:54:46.000 At that time, it was like Ronda Rousey's everywhere.

00:54:48.000 She's in movies. 0.96

00:54:50.000 And then you're like, oh, wow, this is the greatest fighter ever I hear.

00:54:53.000 She's the attraction of a lifetime.

00:54:55.000 And then you go, okay, all right, I'm going to check it out.

00:54:58.000 Let me check out.

00:54:58.000 Wow, that girl looks big.

00:55:00.000 I don't think this is going to...

00:55:01.000 And then she gets demolished. 0.86

00:55:03.000 And you're like, well, is this a sport?

00:55:04.000 I think that was a big blow for female fighting. 1.00

00:55:07.000 What are you talking about?

00:55:08.000 That was one of the best things to ever happen to female fighting. 1.00

00:55:10.000 Yeah.

00:55:11.000 Okay, well we're different in that way.

00:55:12.000 I think she should have won would have been the best thing.

00:55:14.000 No, no, no.

00:55:15.000 It's good to know that anyone can lose.

00:55:17.000 Even the greats.

00:55:19.000 Even the greats.

00:55:20.000 I think we can't compare it to boxing too much is what it is.

00:55:22.000 Boxing has got to be undefeated.

00:55:24.000 Boxing, we love undefeated.

00:55:26.000 One blemish on your record and it does something.

00:55:28.000 Yeah, it doesn't work like that in MMA. Right, right, right.

00:55:30.000 Because in MMA, there's so many different ways to win.

00:55:32.000 The only one who's really undefeated at the top of the food chain is, well, two guys.

00:55:37.000 Khabib Nurmagomedov, who's the lightweight champion.

00:55:39.000 He's undefeated, period.

00:55:41.000 Mauled everybody. 1.00

00:55:42.000 Except Al Iaquinto went the distance with him, but still beat his ass. 1.00

00:55:46.000 Still beat him. 0.99

00:55:47.000 But Jon Jones is really undefeated.

00:55:50.000 Jon Jones has one loss in his career, but it's a disqualification.

00:55:53.000 Is he the guy that's been disqualified because he was on drugs or something? 0.98

00:55:57.000 Well, he got caught with some shit in his system that he shouldn't have had in his system. 0.99

00:56:00.000 And how did he get it in his system? 0.99

00:56:02.000 We don't know.

00:56:03.000 It was only in there for a very short amount of time.

00:56:05.000 There's a lot of speculation.

00:56:07.000 Until that gets ironed out, we don't know.

00:56:09.000 By the way, one of my good friends in the whole wide world is Eric Koch.

00:56:12.000 He's also a UFC MMA fighter.

00:56:15.000 You know Eric Koch from Two Crufuses, Jim?

00:56:17.000 Yeah, Eric.

00:56:17.000 Yeah.

00:56:17.000 He's a good buddy.

00:56:18.000 You know how I know him?

00:56:19.000 We play video games together. 1.00

00:56:20.000 Oh, no shit. 1.00

00:56:21.000 Yeah, yeah. 1.00

00:56:21.000 He's a bad motherfucker. 1.00

00:56:22.000 He really is. 1.00

00:56:23.000 He's a crazy dude. 1.00

00:56:24.000 Now I know that if I'm in public and some shit is about to go down, I check people's ears. 1.00

00:56:29.000 Oh, that's a good move. 0.99

00:56:30.000 Yeah.

00:56:30.000 Yeah, but sometimes that doesn't work.

00:56:32.000 Oh, his ears look...

00:56:33.000 Some beasts out there that wear ear guards.

00:56:35.000 Yeah, but...

00:56:36.000 Be careful.

00:56:37.000 No, but Joe, I'm not going to fight anyway.

00:56:38.000 I know, but don't.

00:56:39.000 One more year of boxing, I might be like, you don't want to test me.

00:56:43.000 Once they start doing that pad thinking, they start thinking, yeah, man, listen to the noise I'm making.

00:56:49.000 No, can I tell you one quick?

00:56:50.000 The first time I ever boxed, I went with Craig Robinson.

00:56:55.000 You said Craig were boxing each other?

00:56:56.000 No, we weren't boxing each other, but Craig was starting to box, and he took me to this gym, and it was this old black dude.

00:57:01.000 He was like in his 60s, this old school black dude.

00:57:04.000 So I got into the ring with him.

00:57:05.000 He was like, all right, come on in the ring.

00:57:07.000 So I'm in there, and we're boxing.

00:57:09.000 Three minutes.

00:57:09.000 I have so much more respect for boxers after doing this.

00:57:12.000 So he's like, keep your hands up.

00:57:14.000 Keep your hands up!

00:57:15.000 And I'm like, alright.

00:57:16.000 And then he hit me in the head, Joe.

00:57:18.000 Because you didn't keep your hands up.

00:57:19.000 And I was like, after you hit me twice, something locks in, man.

00:57:23.000 You're angry.

00:57:25.000 Tasted your own blood.

00:57:26.000 It was like 30 seconds left in the fight, and he put his hands up, and he was like, finish the fight like you're on the street!

00:57:32.000 Finish the fight like you're on the street. 0.99

00:57:34.000 You should have kicked him in the nuts and bit his nose off. 1.00

00:57:36.000 I went like this. 1.00

00:57:37.000 Ah!

00:57:41.000 I've been boxing again for a little while until recently.

00:57:44.000 So that was one time.

00:57:45.000 It was so hard.

00:57:47.000 It was like that three minutes, I was like, how can these people throw 50 punches?

00:57:51.000 Well, you've got to build up to it, Eric.

00:57:53.000 I'm going to, man.

00:57:54.000 I think I'm going to come here.

00:57:55.000 Come here.

00:57:56.000 I need to work out.

00:58:00.000 He laughs.

00:58:01.000 He's laughing like, you can't deal with a Joe Rogan workout.

00:58:04.000 How come you don't do a workout take?

00:58:07.000 I thought about doing one a while ago.

00:58:08.000 You should.

00:58:10.000 I do too many things publicly.

00:58:13.000 I'd rather just keep some things to just myself.

00:58:15.000 This is a man who has a family now, has reached a level of success that he is comfortable, and now you're starting to see, like, not everyone needs to know everything.

00:58:24.000 It's not just that.

00:58:25.000 There's value in doing things just for you.

00:58:29.000 Privacy.

00:58:30.000 No, no, no, no, no.

00:58:31.000 No, just working on stuff and doing things just for you.

00:58:34.000 Don't do things publicly.

00:58:35.000 I agree.

00:58:36.000 In this day and age, everybody does everything on social media, and I've done a bunch of things, put them on social media, but I think there's a benefit.

00:58:43.000 Why do you do the things you do?

00:58:45.000 I do the things I do for two reasons.

00:58:48.000 One, either I enjoy them or I think they make me better.

00:58:51.000 They make me a better person.

00:58:53.000 This is going to all be on your tape.

00:58:55.000 I do a lot of yoga.

00:58:56.000 Like I did yoga today.

00:58:57.000 And I do it a lot.

00:58:58.000 And one of the reasons why I do it, I think it makes me a better person.

00:59:01.000 I think it makes me more mellow, which I think is good.

00:59:03.000 I have a tendency to not be mellow.

00:59:06.000 It makes me more friendly.

00:59:08.000 I think it calms me down.

00:59:10.000 And I think it's very good for my body.

00:59:12.000 So I do it all the time. 0.99

00:59:12.000 But I'm not about to do some fucking yoga video. 0.99

00:59:15.000 I think I do stand-up for that reason. 0.99

00:59:18.000 Yoga calms you down?

00:59:19.000 Yeah.

00:59:19.000 Yeah?

00:59:19.000 That's interesting.

00:59:20.000 Yeah, I do stand up to like...

00:59:21.000 It does.

00:59:22.000 It calms me down.

00:59:23.000 If something happens to me, I go directly to the stage.

00:59:26.000 That's a great way to work on it, though, and develop material.

00:59:29.000 Yeah, that's what happens. 0.87

00:59:30.000 Even if it's something that's silly.

00:59:32.000 If I see a movie that moves me, I might go on stage and be like, did y'all see this movie?

00:59:36.000 Where are you working out now? 0.99

00:59:37.000 I know you do the store, and I know you do the factory, but do you fuck around and go to the Ha Ha or the Ice House? 0.99

00:59:42.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah. 1.00

00:59:43.000 Flappers, all that shit. 0.99

00:59:44.000 Man, my start was, when I knew I wanted to do this, I was going to open mics, and then I went to Long Beach. 0.99

00:59:50.000 They had this place called the Queen Mary, and they had a Laugh is Hope.

00:59:55.000 This guy, Steve Kimbrough, had this really shitty club on the Queen Mary.

00:59:58.000 Dude, we did Fear Factor and the Queen Mary. 0.58

01:00:00.000 It was right down there, and I remember someone was doing a room there.

01:00:03.000 That's the room you're talking about.

01:00:05.000 So I did that, and then I started doing the Ice House, the Annex.

01:00:10.000 Yeah.

01:00:10.000 That's a good room.

01:00:11.000 And they had that three shows on Friday, three shows on Saturday.

01:00:14.000 So that started doing that.

01:00:15.000 From there, I went to the Ha Ha. 0.89

01:00:17.000 And then I was like hosting on the weekends, and then Terry from the Ha Ha, you know, Gladbusters solo.

01:00:22.000 By the way, what are you doing Wednesday night?

01:00:23.000 Wednesday night, I'm around.

01:00:24.000 You want to do the Ice House?

01:00:25.000 Yeah, let's do it.

01:00:26.000 I'm there.

01:00:26.000 Wednesday night, 10 p.m.

01:00:27.000 10 p.m.

01:00:27.000 Ice House.

01:00:28.000 I'm with Joe Rogan.

01:00:29.000 Sold out.

01:00:30.000 Tony Hinchcliffe's on the show too.

01:00:31.000 Yeah, I love Tony.

01:00:32.000 So then I went to the Ice House.

01:00:35.000 Then I started going to Ha Ha.

01:00:36.000 And then I got a showcase at the Comedy Store.

01:00:39.000 And Mitzi didn't even look at me.

01:00:41.000 She didn't even look at me.

01:00:42.000 Didn't even talk to me.

01:00:43.000 What year?

01:00:44.000 This was the year Jay Davis got passed. 0.99

01:00:46.000 So I wanted to kill myself.

01:00:48.000 I showcased with Jay Davis.

01:00:51.000 That's not rude.

01:00:53.000 Jay knows. 1.00

01:00:54.000 I say this to his fucking face. 1.00

01:00:58.000 He knows. 1.00

01:01:00.000 So we're showcasing the same day.

01:01:03.000 And she passed him and then didn't even talk to me.

01:01:07.000 She didn't even watch you. 0.87

01:01:08.000 She watched me!

01:01:10.000 She didn't like it.

01:01:11.000 She didn't like it.

01:01:12.000 That's what I thought.

01:01:13.000 Which really pissed me off.

01:01:14.000 What year is this again?

01:01:15.000 Dude, this must have been 2003-ish.

01:01:20.000 So this is when Jay was on tourgasm with Dane Cook?

01:01:23.000 Yes.

01:01:25.000 Dane was supposed to showcase that night, too.

01:01:27.000 But he refused to come because he was Dane Cook, and I get it.

01:01:30.000 So he refused to showcase.

01:01:31.000 Well, that's what I hear.

01:01:32.000 I shouldn't even say that.

01:01:33.000 I know Dane, and I should have asked him before I'm talking about this.

01:01:36.000 But you had to showcase, right?

01:01:37.000 Do you know Louis C.K. didn't get past this tour?

01:01:39.000 Nope.

01:01:39.000 I get it!

01:01:40.000 Mitzi's like, I don't like them.

01:01:42.000 She got her own thing.

01:01:43.000 So I get to showcase.

01:01:46.000 My then friend, Ahmed Ahmed, set up to showcase that night.

01:01:50.000 And I didn't get past.

01:01:51.000 So a year and a half later, I had to deal with Tommy.

01:01:55.000 And listen, as what people get on him, and I think Tommy's out there thinks I hate him, but I know there was a method to his madness.

01:02:03.000 And maybe if he didn't even know it, it worked for me.

01:02:07.000 Because he was my villain.

01:02:09.000 He was my enemy.

01:02:11.000 So I had to get past him.

01:02:12.000 He was the gatekeeper I had to get past.

01:02:14.000 So it took me a year and a half of doing belly room and just hanging around and people keep saying to him, hey, you should put Eric Griffin.

01:02:23.000 So then I got another showcase.

01:02:24.000 It was in the main room during one of those bringer shows.

01:02:28.000 They were doing the showcases during those.

01:02:30.000 And she was there.

01:02:31.000 They had her in her booth.

01:02:32.000 And I did my set. 1.00

01:02:34.000 I ran the fucking light, too. 1.00

01:02:35.000 I was like, fuck this. 1.00

01:02:37.000 Whoa! 1.00

01:02:37.000 What year are we talking about? 1.00

01:02:38.000 This is like a year later, so it's like 2005, you know, 2005, 2006. It's around that time, 2004, 2005, 2006. I'm not sure when it was, you know?

01:02:49.000 And then as I'm leaving, they're bringing her through the main room, and they're helping her through the hallway to go to the kitchen.

01:02:56.000 And she stops, and she looks at me and says, you were funny.

01:03:01.000 And those are the only words she ever spoke to me.

01:03:03.000 That's all you needed.

01:03:04.000 That's all I needed.

01:03:05.000 And then Tommy comes over and he's like, well, she passed you.

01:03:10.000 You're in the belly room now. 0.77

01:03:11.000 She had a headbutted him right in the nose. 1.00

01:03:13.000 In his fucking mouth, right? 1.00

01:03:14.000 Shut the fuck up. 1.00

01:03:15.000 And then he told me I had to be in the belly room for a year. 1.00

01:03:17.000 And I knew that was a lie.

01:03:19.000 She passed me.

01:03:20.000 So again, but I needed the challenge.

01:03:22.000 You know?

01:03:23.000 You know one of my best moments for me personally?

01:03:26.000 I like what you did there.

01:03:27.000 I had to know because I gotta tell you.

01:03:29.000 Threw your hand back.

01:03:31.000 Like we're in the Tonight Show.

01:03:32.000 Yeah, man.

01:03:33.000 Richard over at Comedy and Magic.

01:03:35.000 You know, and I love Richard.

01:03:36.000 Sure, I love Richard.

01:03:37.000 So I tried to showcase for Richard.

01:03:39.000 They're the nicest people ever over there.

01:03:40.000 They're so nice.

01:03:40.000 They treat comics the best.

01:03:42.000 Yeah, Mike Glacey.

01:03:43.000 You go there not to do comedy.

01:03:45.000 You go there to get food.

01:03:47.000 You go there to hug people.

01:03:47.000 Hug people.

01:03:48.000 Hang out with good people, man.

01:03:49.000 For real.

01:03:50.000 So I remember I tried to showcase for him.

01:03:52.000 I sent him a tape and he was like, Eric, you're too dirty and all this stuff.

01:03:55.000 And he wouldn't pass me.

01:03:56.000 So Maz Jobrani, this is years later now, Maz Jobrani is doing a show.

01:04:01.000 And he says, Eric, you want to be on my show?

01:04:02.000 So I'm standing in the hallway before I go on with the MC. And then we're joking about being clean.

01:04:07.000 And I say, you know what? 1.00

01:04:08.000 I'm going to go up there and pull my dick out. 1.00

01:04:09.000 A guy in a suit is walking down the hallway. 1.00

01:04:11.000 Ha! 0.89

01:04:14.000 This guy in the suit is walking.

01:04:15.000 He goes, hey, please don't do that.

01:04:16.000 And I go, you know, I'm just kidding.

01:04:18.000 And we laugh a little bit.

01:04:19.000 We laugh a little bit.

01:04:20.000 I go on stage. 0.99

01:04:21.000 I murder it. 0.99

01:04:22.000 And then I'm headed to the green room. 0.66

01:04:24.000 And that same guy in the suit comes running at me.

01:04:26.000 And it's Mike.

01:04:26.000 It's the owner.

01:04:27.000 Oh, that's hilarious.

01:04:28.000 And he says, hey.

01:04:29.000 He goes, man, you're hilarious.

01:04:32.000 Why aren't you working at my club?

01:04:33.000 Why don't I know you?

01:04:34.000 At that moment, Richard is in the hallway.

01:04:37.000 And then I look at Richard and I go, yeah, Richard, why am I not working here? 0.81

01:04:43.000 And he's like, well, you know, you were dirty.

01:04:45.000 I was like, I can play clean.

01:04:46.000 I play churches.

01:04:47.000 I played cruise ships.

01:04:49.000 I'm a professional comedian.

01:04:50.000 My point about this is that moment of him squirming and like being like, okay, you're in.

01:04:56.000 And after that, I was in.

01:04:58.000 That was worth waiting for.

01:05:01.000 As opposed to trying to bully my way into places.

01:05:04.000 I felt like I earned that.

01:05:06.000 And since then, Rich and I were friends.

01:05:08.000 But I had to earn that.

01:05:11.000 You had to earn it.

01:05:12.000 I had to find the right moment.

01:05:14.000 You know what I mean?

01:05:15.000 I do know what you mean, man.

01:05:16.000 Could I have been on the Wednesday Night Ice House show with Joe Rogan before?

01:05:19.000 Possibly.

01:05:22.000 You have to get into these situations.

01:05:24.000 Joey can't work with me at the Ice House.

01:05:25.000 Why?

01:05:26.000 They won't have him.

01:05:27.000 Too dirty.

01:05:28.000 What did he do? 1.00

01:05:29.000 He went up and was talking about sniffing his balls and eating ass. 1.00

01:05:33.000 One too many cocksucker. 1.00

01:05:35.000 Doing the pigeon. 1.00

01:05:36.000 Sticking his nose up girls' asses. 1.00

01:05:38.000 Always going down on him from behind. 1.00

01:05:40.000 I do the pigeon. 1.00

01:05:42.000 And they would just fuck it. 1.00

01:05:43.000 First of all, he was murdering to the point where like drinks were falling off tables, the lights were dimming, they were shorting out. 1.00

01:05:50.000 And Mike was like, you know, Mike's the sweetest guy in the world.

01:05:53.000 He goes, I love you.

01:05:54.000 I think you're amazing.

01:05:55.000 He goes, but I can't have you in this club. 1.00

01:05:57.000 You're just dirty. 0.99

01:05:58.000 And he's like, look, he goes, I understand. 0.99

01:06:00.000 You know, Joey was...

01:06:02.000 Joey wasn't mad at him.

01:06:03.000 He's like one of the only guys that told Joey that he can't work.

01:06:05.000 But Joey was already successful by then.

01:06:08.000 Joey always works with me, so he just didn't want to do it.

01:06:14.000 Joey called me.

01:06:15.000 You know what I gotta say?

01:06:16.000 One of my favorite phone calls I've had is Joey Diaz calling me the other day. 0.99

01:06:22.000 He's, you know, I don't do this, cocksucker. 1.00

01:06:24.000 You were really good on him dying up here. 0.99

01:06:26.000 And he's just giving me compliments.

01:06:28.000 Oh, that's beautiful.

01:06:29.000 And I just don't...

01:06:30.000 And I was like, when this comes from someone...

01:06:33.000 That you believe is 100% genuine.

01:06:37.000 Yeah.

01:06:49.000 These people that you do this business with have to think you're funny, because those are the people that are going to get you work.

01:06:54.000 Well, they have to like you, too.

01:06:54.000 They have to like you, too.

01:06:55.000 Yeah, that's a big one.

01:06:57.000 You have to be a nice person.

01:06:58.000 I try to be.

01:06:59.000 You are a very nice person.

01:07:01.000 But one of the things that's nice about the Comedy Store, for sure...

01:07:06.000 I attribute this to the internet because I think what's going on with the internet now is there's so many opportunities for comedians now that we're not in competition with each other anymore.

01:07:14.000 I don't think we've ever been.

01:07:15.000 We used to be like that, man, in the 90s.

01:07:18.000 In the 90s, everybody was like dog-eat-dog.

01:07:20.000 It was different. 0.99

01:07:21.000 There was a lot of people back then that felt like, say, if you got something, like you got a TV show, why didn't I get that fucking show? 0.85

01:07:28.000 There's people that thought there was a limited number of things. 0.93

01:07:30.000 It's what I call famine thinking.

01:07:32.000 You ever heard that expression?

01:07:33.000 Yes, I know exactly what you mean. 0.99

01:07:34.000 That expression is a deadly fucking, it's just a poison to your life and the way you think about the world that a lot of people have that problem, that famine thinking. 0.99

01:07:43.000 I think people still feel like that now, but I always liken it to golf. 0.99

01:07:47.000 You know, I think that we're on a leaderboard, but we're still fighting against ourselves.

01:07:52.000 Yeah, but no, because golf, you're competing.

01:07:54.000 You're still competing for the championship.

01:07:56.000 There's no competing at the comedy store.

01:07:58.000 No, I know, I know, but what I'm saying...

01:07:59.000 But in the world of stand-up comedy today, I think there's so many opportunities, there's so many places to work, so many stand-up, especially when you're doing The Road, there's so many theaters, so many comedy clubs, so many...

01:08:08.000 But there's still only 52 weeks of the year.

01:08:11.000 Think about that. 0.99

01:08:13.000 What the fuck does that mean? 0.98

01:08:14.000 How many headliners are there, do you think? 0.99

01:08:16.000 The real ones?

01:08:17.000 Yeah.

01:08:18.000 300. I'm not joking.

01:08:21.000 Okay.

01:08:22.000 I'm not joking.

01:08:23.000 Maybe worldwide.

01:08:24.000 Okay.

01:08:25.000 Okay, well then there isn't enough then.

01:08:28.000 How many do you think there are?

01:08:30.000 Is there 500?

01:08:31.000 There might be 500. Well, I'm just saying at a club, though, there's only 52 weeks for them to book one guy.

01:08:38.000 But that's one club.

01:08:39.000 But you travel, right? 0.99

01:08:42.000 There's fucking hundreds of cities. 0.99

01:08:44.000 Well, I mean, it's still a fight out there, man. 1.00

01:08:47.000 Dude, fuck all that thing. 1.00

01:08:48.000 For the good weekends. 1.00

01:08:50.000 Nah.

01:08:50.000 What weekend?

01:08:51.000 July 4th weekend?

01:08:52.000 No, no, those are the bad weekends.

01:08:53.000 Those are the weekends I get.

01:08:54.000 I get Mother's Day, Father's Day, July 4th.

01:08:58.000 Dude, I get those too.

01:08:59.000 I do those weekends.

01:09:00.000 Yeah, you get...

01:09:01.000 I like them.

01:09:02.000 You're doing the...

01:09:02.000 You're getting...

01:09:03.000 You're doing...

01:09:04.000 When's the last time you did a Thursday night at a club?

01:09:06.000 I don't usually do Thursday nights anywhere other than the store.

01:09:09.000 That's what I'm saying.

01:09:09.000 You don't do Thursday nights.

01:09:10.000 But I'll do Thursday nights on the road.

01:09:11.000 Oh, even on the road?

01:09:12.000 Yeah, I'll do a theater.

01:09:12.000 Well, the theater's different.

01:09:14.000 But I'm saying, like, you got to...

01:09:15.000 There was a time when you got to a part where you were doing Friday, Saturday, and you're out.

01:09:20.000 Yes.

01:09:20.000 Right?

01:09:21.000 At clubs.

01:09:22.000 Yeah.

01:09:22.000 You know, so they're still...

01:09:23.000 That was just because I just got tired of the fucking grind. 0.99

01:09:26.000 Yeah. 0.98

01:09:27.000 You know what got me more than anything is doing morning radio where you had to get up early in the morning and then you tried to get some sleep and you never could and then you were just wrecked.

01:09:35.000 And then the only time you didn't get...

01:09:36.000 Is morning radio working?

01:09:38.000 It doesn't work anymore.

01:09:38.000 Does that work?

01:09:39.000 But back in the day it did.

01:09:40.000 They still make you do it. 0.54

01:09:41.000 They're crazy. 1.00

01:09:42.000 They're crazy. 1.00

01:09:43.000 That's a waste of time. 1.00

01:09:44.000 And it's always the same thing.

01:09:45.000 It's a guy, uncle something, a sidekick.

01:09:47.000 It must work in some places.

01:09:49.000 I don't know. 1.00

01:09:50.000 I mean, I'm talking out of my ass. 0.99

01:09:52.000 Sometimes I'm going to go on, when I go on stage, I go, who heard me on the radio? 0.99

01:09:56.000 Who's here?

01:09:57.000 Nobody.

01:09:57.000 But meanwhile, you were up at 5 o'clock in the morning.

01:09:59.000 I'm up at 5 o'clock in the morning.

01:10:00.000 Exhausted.

01:10:01.000 Yeah.

01:10:01.000 That's the thing is, like, if you don't get good sleep, and that's the problem with doing three nights in a row in different places when I tour.

01:10:09.000 I'm just in New York.

01:10:10.000 I was just at Caroline's.

01:10:11.000 That third night, you gotta, that third night, well, three nights in a row, if you're just in Caroline's, that's okay, because you're getting up in the morning in the same hotel room, but when you get up and you have to go to the airport and then fly, land to a new place, take a shower, go to the gym, try to wake up, That's where it fucks you up. 0.98

01:10:27.000 Three nights in a row, by the time the third night comes around, you're like, damn, I'm kind of worn the fuck out. 0.93

01:10:31.000 Well, you just said something that's not even a part of my thing. 0.98

01:10:34.000 Like, you know, you said, like, get up, go to the gym.

01:10:40.000 Like, I gotta add that...

01:10:42.000 You gotta add that.

01:10:43.000 This is my move.

01:10:44.000 I gotta add that one, man. 0.98

01:10:45.000 When I fly somewhere, if I fly in, I put my fucking bag down, I unzip it, I take my shorts out, I put my fucking running shoes on or whatever I'm gonna wear, I go right to the gym. 0.98

01:10:55.000 Really? 0.99

01:10:56.000 Right to the gym. 1.00

01:10:57.000 I don't fuck around. 0.99

01:10:58.000 Because if I don't, I'm not gonna do it. 1.00

01:11:00.000 I feel you.

01:11:01.000 If I'm staying in a nice hotel and they have a 24-hour gym, that's my favorite. 0.99

01:11:04.000 I just put my fucking headphones on and just whatever it is. 0.98

01:11:07.000 I don't know what to do in the gym. 1.00

01:11:09.000 Just get on a fucking elliptical machine and do a half an hour. 0.99

01:11:11.000 Just make yourself sweat. 1.00

01:11:14.000 You know what I like to do?

01:11:15.000 This is going to sound crazy, but I love doing those like insanity.

01:11:18.000 Well, that's what I would fill that spot with.

01:11:22.000 When I get to the...

01:11:23.000 I put my bag down, take my shorts off.

01:11:28.000 Get my one sock ready.

01:11:31.000 Who ever did that?

01:11:31.000 Who does that?

01:11:33.000 Why do people say that? 0.96

01:11:34.000 Why would you jerk off on your shock? 1.00

01:11:35.000 People are gross. 1.00

01:11:36.000 What sort of... 1.00

01:11:37.000 Is this supposed to simulate some sort of, like, really loose pussy? 1.00

01:11:41.000 Yeah, some sort of... 1.00

01:11:42.000 Some woolly pussy? 1.00

01:11:43.000 Yeah, some sort of cottony pussy. 1.00

01:11:45.000 Yeah. 1.00

01:11:46.000 Yeah, unless you have a silk sock.

01:11:47.000 Yeah, even then.

01:11:48.000 Even then.

01:11:49.000 It feels like you'll cut yourself.

01:11:50.000 But anyways. 0.99

01:11:51.000 If you bring a fleshlight with you on the road, you're a creep. 0.89

01:11:53.000 Yeah.

01:11:53.000 Because the moment that they go in through your bag.

01:11:57.000 At the airport.

01:11:58.000 At the airport.

01:11:58.000 Stanhope did that once.

01:11:59.000 Right after 9-11, he traveled with a briefcase.

01:12:02.000 No, not a briefcase. 0.99

01:12:03.000 A suitcase filled with dildos and rubber fists and all this shit. 0.99

01:12:09.000 And of course they had to check it everywhere he went. 0.98

01:12:12.000 And that was why he's doing it.

01:12:14.000 They're like opening up his bag and like, what is this? 0.99

01:12:17.000 It's my sex toys. 1.00

01:12:18.000 And they can't say shit because sex toys aren't outlawed. 1.00

01:12:21.000 Have you seen how crazy these sex robots are looking? 1.00

01:12:24.000 Yes, they have. 0.96

01:12:25.000 I mean...

01:12:26.000 Yeah.

01:12:27.000 I think we're...

01:12:28.000 You know how this feeling we have about...

01:12:31.000 Self-driving cars.

01:12:33.000 There's a fear out there about self-driving cars.

01:12:36.000 We're not there yet.

01:12:37.000 It's not going to be our generation that fully embraces it.

01:12:39.000 We're 10, 15 years away from, like, this is going to be a normal thing.

01:12:42.000 Right.

01:12:43.000 This is the same thing with the sex dolls.

01:12:45.000 I think you're right.

01:12:46.000 When I see them, I have a disconnect of, like, I can't.

01:12:49.000 I would never...

01:12:50.000 I just...

01:12:52.000 They just look...

01:12:53.000 You say that now, but if it gets to, like, Ex Machina style...

01:12:57.000 Oh, well, I mean, gel.

01:12:59.000 That's coming.

01:13:00.000 But that's gonna happen, man.

01:13:04.000 What is this, Jamie?

01:13:05.000 But they gotta be self-cleaning.

01:13:06.000 They have a life-size sheep?

01:13:07.000 I googled sex robot and a sheep comes up. 1.00

01:13:09.000 Bitch, you got that bookmarked. 1.00

01:13:10.000 No, I don't. 1.00

01:13:11.000 I swear to God.

01:13:12.000 Wait, wait, wait. 0.93

01:13:13.000 First of all, is this one on the left for pedophiles?

01:13:16.000 I don't know. 0.99

01:13:17.000 It's typed in sex robot.

01:13:18.000 It says girl mannequin with realistic features? 1.00

01:13:21.000 What in the fuck? 1.00

01:13:22.000 Whoa. 1.00

01:13:23.000 That is creepy as fuck, dude. 0.99

01:13:25.000 I don't know about that one right there, dude. 0.99

01:13:26.000 Jesus Christ.

01:13:28.000 That is creepy.

01:13:29.000 That one on the left...

01:13:31.000 What's the one the real doll one right there? 1.00

01:13:32.000 That is a fucking little kid, man. 1.00

01:13:33.000 That's what I'm saying. 1.00

01:13:34.000 Yeah, that is creepy as shit. 0.99

01:13:36.000 Well, I guess that's one way to, you know... 0.98

01:13:37.000 Jamie, don't click on that.

01:13:39.000 It's not a sex robot.

01:13:40.000 I don't know why it's popping up there.

01:13:42.000 Yeah, then why'd you click right on the crotch part? 0.95

01:13:44.000 Yeah, but hold on a second.

01:13:45.000 But that's under...

01:13:46.000 But you Googled sex robot. 1.00

01:13:48.000 Yeah, and that's what's coming up.

01:13:48.000 And the first thing is...

01:13:50.000 Shop for sex robot on girl mannequin with realistic features. 1.00

01:13:54.000 Dude, that's fucking gross. 1.00

01:13:56.000 Ugh. 1.00

01:13:58.000 Meet Harmony, the sex robot. 0.99

01:14:00.000 Oh, go to her. 0.99

01:14:00.000 Go to Harmony. 0.99

01:14:01.000 That looks like at least a grown-ass woman sex robot. 1.00

01:14:05.000 Is that her? 1.00

01:14:05.000 That would be dope. 1.00

01:14:06.000 Let me see this shit. 1.00

01:14:08.000 This is one I've seen. 1.00

01:14:09.000 There's always some...

01:14:11.000 Oh my god.

01:14:13.000 Whoa, that's what she looks like? 1.00

01:14:14.000 Yeah.

01:14:14.000 She looks that good?

01:14:15.000 Yeah, we're getting there.

01:14:16.000 Oh, Jesus Christ.

01:14:17.000 But there's still something...

01:14:18.000 Oh! 0.60

01:14:19.000 Oh, wow.

01:14:20.000 Jesus. 1.00

01:14:20.000 That's how they want it, though, with the head covered, just the ass sticking out. 1.00

01:14:23.000 So weird. 0.99

01:14:25.000 Oh, God, that's even weirder.

01:14:26.000 Look at that hole where the neck is. 0.99

01:14:29.000 Jesus, this is strange.

01:14:30.000 I mean, look at the booty. 0.98

01:14:31.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:14:32.000 So, damn, that is unbelievably lifelike, though. 0.99

01:14:35.000 Yeah, it's crazy. 0.99

01:14:36.000 Like, come on, man.

01:14:37.000 This is a scene in a science fiction movie.

01:14:39.000 If this was like 1960, and this is a science fiction movie, oh, she can blink slowly and seductively.

01:14:45.000 Oh, look at it.

01:14:46.000 Because she's blinking with her perfect lips.

01:14:48.000 I know.

01:14:49.000 I don't know.

01:14:50.000 If this was a science fiction movie from the 1960s and they had this, we'd be like, whoa, this is crazy.

01:14:57.000 Because it would be so far removed from reality.

01:14:59.000 Yeah, so far-fetched.

01:15:00.000 There's no way that this is going to look at what they're doing.

01:15:02.000 But this is not far-fetched.

01:15:04.000 This is close.

01:15:06.000 We're close.

01:15:06.000 You know what I think that this is going to be bypassed by?

01:15:09.000 Is virtual reality, like brain links.

01:15:12.000 Yeah.

01:15:13.000 Some sort of thing where you can stimulate the mind in a way that you think things are happening.

01:15:18.000 I think that's going to bypass all of this technology.

01:15:21.000 I think it's going to be both, but I think you're right that that's coming too.

01:15:25.000 But I think this is coming too. 0.97

01:15:27.000 I think the ability to have a real, realistic robot that'll fuck you, that's not hard, because you just think about all the moves that it has to do. 0.99

01:15:35.000 I know. 0.99

01:15:36.000 It's not a lot of moves.

01:15:37.000 I think, you know, also...

01:15:38.000 They'll be quiet, you know?

01:15:40.000 I think also a good thing, if it's possible, is have a robot like that to practice martial arts on.

01:15:47.000 Like, have a robot that throws punches and kicks and block them.

01:15:51.000 See, now you're thinking about improving society, not just for sex.

01:15:54.000 So you can have a robot teach you to play piano, teach you how to do, like... 1.00

01:15:57.000 I'm just talking about a robot that you can fuck up. 0.99

01:15:59.000 Like, leg kick it. 0.99

01:16:00.000 Well, this is what I'm saying, though. 0.74

01:16:01.000 Body kick it.

01:16:02.000 It's not going to hurt it.

01:16:02.000 But it's a training thing.

01:16:03.000 Yes, yes.

01:16:04.000 Yeah, well, there you go.

01:16:05.000 That's totally possible.

01:16:06.000 Yeah.

01:16:06.000 Just have it move slowly.

01:16:07.000 Have a robot in there cooking. 0.99

01:16:09.000 How it doesn't move quickly, but it moves slowly so you can just work on drills and shit. 0.97

01:16:14.000 Do they already have one? 0.94

01:16:15.000 Oh, no, no, no.

01:16:16.000 No, they don't, Jamie. 1.00

01:16:17.000 This is just a fucking punching bag that moves back and forth. 1.00

01:16:20.000 This is stupid. 1.00

01:16:21.000 That thing's dumb. 1.00

01:16:22.000 Good try, though. 0.99

01:16:23.000 You want one that throws back at you?

01:16:25.000 Yeah, I want a person. 1.00

01:16:27.000 What this is good for is hyperextending your fucking elbows. 1.00

01:16:30.000 You're going to miss this thing and hurt yourself. 0.99

01:16:33.000 I don't think that's a good idea, honestly.

01:16:35.000 I think your idea about having a...

01:16:38.000 So instead of having a sex robot, that same technology used for fighting, training. 0.99

01:16:43.000 Yeah.

01:16:44.000 Because I have a dummy that I practice jujitsu on, but it's like this.

01:16:47.000 It's called a Bubba dummy.

01:16:49.000 It just lays there like this.

01:16:51.000 But I can practice arm bars and triangles.

01:16:53.000 I can do reps on it.

01:16:54.000 I just do reps.

01:16:55.000 Right, right.

01:16:56.000 But it's not as good as doing it with a person. 0.99

01:16:57.000 But it's hard to get a person to just stand there and let you fucking choke them over and over and over again. 0.99

01:17:02.000 That's what I'm saying. 0.99

01:17:02.000 But a robot. 0.99

01:17:03.000 A robot could. 0.99

01:17:04.000 You could get a male sex doll. 0.99

01:17:06.000 You could order it specifically. 1.00

01:17:08.000 I want the butthole sealed. 1.00

01:17:10.000 I want the dick removed. 1.00

01:17:11.000 Wait, wait, wait. 1.00

01:17:12.000 Hold on, hold on.

01:17:12.000 I don't want the mouth closed.

01:17:14.000 Hold on, hold on, hold on. 0.95

01:17:17.000 Why does the butthole need to be sealed so you don't want to be tempted? 0.94

01:17:20.000 No one can accuse me of any shenanigans. 0.92

01:17:25.000 It doesn't even work, bro.

01:17:26.000 I'll show you.

01:17:27.000 I'll take the gi off of this. 0.97

01:17:29.000 Joe, why does the butthole still work? 0.96

01:17:32.000 I don't know. 0.98

01:17:33.000 I specifically called and said, no butthole. 1.00

01:17:36.000 Why is this cock so large on your... 1.00

01:17:39.000 Why is it glistening? 1.00

01:17:42.000 Why does it smell like strawberries?

01:17:43.000 Yeah, it should always be dirty, too.

01:17:45.000 It's always dirty.

01:17:46.000 A couple of specks of blood on it.

01:17:48.000 Yeah, it shouldn't feel like it's been cleaned and used.

01:17:53.000 You keep the plastic on it, like a phone, you know when you get your phone?

01:17:57.000 But those real dolls, they move like a real person.

01:18:01.000 If you didn't mind practicing on the girl real doll, you would order the girl real doll with small breasts. 0.99

01:18:08.000 You know, so like the breasts don't get in the way, and then you can work your mount, get your arm bars in, your triangles, and then when you're done, you fuck up. 1.00

01:18:15.000 Oh, well there you go. 1.00

01:18:16.000 There you go.

01:18:17.000 So it's probably like dating, you know.

01:18:20.000 No.

01:18:21.000 It's very different than dating.

01:18:23.000 I'm talking about if you date the UFC, do you think Ronda Rodney and her guy, do they get excited like that when they're fighting each other?

01:18:30.000 I doubt it.

01:18:30.000 Or they just stay away from that completely?

01:18:32.000 I bet they do that.

01:18:33.000 I bet they don't even train together.

01:18:34.000 Well, she's done fighting. 0.85

01:18:35.000 Now she just does WWE. Which is great. 1.00

01:18:38.000 I think that's great for her.

01:18:39.000 Well, she's great at it. 1.00

01:18:40.000 She's very good at it.

01:18:41.000 She's a decent enough actress. 1.00

01:18:43.000 She's an entertainer.

01:18:44.000 She's an entertainer.

01:18:45.000 That's what all this is supposed to be anyway.

01:18:47.000 It's all entertainment.

01:18:48.000 Right.

01:18:48.000 It's like, what is it for?

01:18:49.000 It's just to distract you and give you something fun to watch.

01:18:52.000 But we're so close to Roman times where we want someone...

01:18:57.000 Did you see that barrel knuckle boxing event they did this past weekend?

01:19:00.000 No.

01:19:01.000 See, I couldn't.

01:19:01.000 I can't with that, man.

01:19:03.000 I'm just not into watching violence like that.

01:19:06.000 I have a problem with it.

01:19:08.000 Because you know why?

01:19:11.000 Muhammad Ali.

01:19:12.000 Like, how he was later in his life, I go, why would anyone do this?

01:19:17.000 Even when I watch professional athletes, like, oh my god, this is what I'm saying!

01:19:23.000 Like, I can't, wow!

01:19:24.000 They did it in Wyoming.

01:19:26.000 Legalized bare knuckle boxing.

01:19:28.000 That just looks horrible.

01:19:29.000 Well, the idea is you can't hit people as hard with bare knuckles, so you're going to get cut up a little bit, but you're not going to get the same kind of head trauma.

01:19:39.000 No, it's definitely true.

01:19:40.000 No, man.

01:19:41.000 What about, what's his name?

01:19:43.000 Rudy Tomjanovich.

01:19:45.000 I don't know who that is.

01:19:46.000 The old coach from Houston.

01:19:49.000 Remember when he was playing in the NBA? They used to fight in the NBA in the 70s.

01:19:54.000 The fifth fight?

01:19:55.000 They used to fifth fight.

01:19:56.000 They used to have real fights and somebody got...

01:19:59.000 1977. Clocked in the head and he broke his orbital bone.

01:20:03.000 So is this like this was normal?

01:20:05.000 This is real things, man.

01:20:05.000 They would just fight.

01:20:08.000 Oh, you know what I'm talking about.

01:20:09.000 He found it, see?

01:20:10.000 Yeah.

01:20:11.000 You had to see the replay, yeah.

01:20:13.000 Because he came, you know.

01:20:16.000 So what's happening here?

01:20:18.000 It's hard to see what's going on.

01:20:19.000 Rudy comes, and this guy clocks him in the head.

01:20:22.000 Oh, so I was looking at the wrong dudes.

01:20:24.000 Yeah, yeah.

01:20:25.000 Watch, here he comes.

01:20:26.000 He's just coming in to stop the fight, and this guy thought he was coming at him.

01:20:30.000 Oh, and he's running right towards him, too.

01:20:32.000 That ruined his career.

01:20:33.000 Did it?

01:20:34.000 Yes.

01:20:34.000 Well, that's an orbital fracture and that's real common in MMA. It happens all the time.

01:20:39.000 But like imagine with knuckles?

01:20:41.000 No, I do.

01:20:42.000 So you really think that...

01:20:43.000 That's not as bad, I'm telling you.

01:20:45.000 You think that with gloves it's worse?

01:20:47.000 Just as bad.

01:20:48.000 You can hit harder, trust me.

01:20:49.000 You can hit someone harder because it doesn't hurt your hands.

01:20:52.000 The gloves are not protecting the opponent.

01:20:55.000 The gloves are protecting your hand.

01:20:56.000 Well, I get that from doing this boxing. 0.99

01:20:58.000 I take my hand out of these gloves and my fucking fingers are killing me. 0.99

01:21:01.000 Right. 0.99

01:21:02.000 Take no gloves and go over to my heavy bag because that heavy bag is stiff. 0.90

01:21:07.000 Go over and start punching that thing. 1.00

01:21:08.000 It won't hurt your fucking hands. 1.00

01:21:10.000 I get it. 1.00

01:21:10.000 Same with punching a person. 1.00

01:21:12.000 14 ounce or 16 ounce?

01:21:13.000 I'm not sure which...

01:21:14.000 I don't know how I feel, but sometimes when I went to 14 ounces, I feel like, oh, this is...

01:21:17.000 You got a little more speed.

01:21:18.000 I got a little more, yeah.

01:21:20.000 Two extra ounces missing.

01:21:22.000 Yeah.

01:21:22.000 Well, these are zero ounces.

01:21:25.000 Your hands move very fast.

01:21:26.000 Oh, you got those zero-ounce gloves?

01:21:27.000 Well, in MMA, they're four.

01:21:29.000 They're four ounces.

01:21:30.000 Ugh, I couldn't even...

01:21:31.000 Listen, that looked terrible.

01:21:34.000 Those guys' faces, that can't be...

01:21:36.000 You could break someone's nose.

01:21:38.000 Dude, everybody's nose gets broken in the UFC. Everybody.

01:21:41.000 Everybody's face gets broken.

01:21:42.000 Orbital bronze.

01:21:43.000 This is your world, man.

01:21:44.000 I get it.

01:21:45.000 I hear you.

01:21:45.000 I turn the thing on and I hear your voice.

01:21:48.000 The other day I was on FX. I was like, oh, that's Joe Rogan.

01:21:51.000 And you were just going in.

01:21:53.000 You sound like a totally different person.

01:21:54.000 It's crazy.

01:21:56.000 You're in a whole different, in that mode, too.

01:22:00.000 You sound like if it was a Rocky movie, and then you hear the announcers.

01:22:05.000 That's you right there.

01:22:06.000 You got it down, man.

01:22:10.000 Well, I've been doing it a long time.

01:22:11.000 I know!

01:22:12.000 But that's your world, so I'm not trying to disrespect your world, but it's just too violent for me.

01:22:17.000 You've seen with that punch, that was 1977, and they probably didn't know how to fix those things back then.

01:22:22.000 But now they know how to fix orbital fractures and things along those lines.

01:22:25.000 It doesn't make it okay.

01:22:26.000 But I'm telling you, if that guy punched that guy with gloves on, it would have been just as bad.

01:22:32.000 Unless it was boxing gloves.

01:22:33.000 Boxing gloves, you probably wouldn't have got hurt as much because you're dealing with a big, thick, heavy pad.

01:22:39.000 Boxing gloves, 8, 10 ounces, depending on the fight.

01:22:43.000 I know what you're saying.

01:22:45.000 It seems like it's worse than this.

01:22:46.000 It seems like it's worse.

01:22:47.000 It does.

01:22:47.000 But I didn't know that.

01:22:49.000 What you get mostly is cuts.

01:22:51.000 You see those guys were all cut up because the bare knuckles are hitting skin.

01:22:56.000 Yeah!

01:22:57.000 This feels...

01:22:59.000 When I do this and I'm knocking on, I just feel, wow, I just feel how that would be like, oh man.

01:23:04.000 Well, it's interesting because a lot of people, I was saying for the longest time, you shouldn't have even wraps on your hands.

01:23:10.000 Because it gives people an unrealistic idea of what you could do with your hands.

01:23:14.000 And why are there pads on your knuckles when there's not pads on your shins or pads on your knees or pads on your heel or pads on your elbow?

01:23:21.000 Because you're smashing people with elbows.

01:23:24.000 There's way more power That you can generate hitting someone with an elbow, with a bare elbow, than you can with a bare fist.

01:23:32.000 Because a bare fist, if you hit someone in the forehead, or even in the cheek sometimes, you break your hand.

01:23:36.000 You break your hand, yeah.

01:23:37.000 But not with an elbow.

01:23:38.000 With an elbow, you could hit foreheads and face. 0.76

01:23:41.000 You could hit everything. 0.99

01:23:43.000 Like a good headbutt, too.

01:23:45.000 Yeah, there was a...

01:23:45.000 Jamie, I'm going to have you pull something up, because I sent this to Schaub.

01:23:50.000 There's something that...

01:23:52.000 Give me one second here and I'll find this.

01:23:55.000 Because...

01:23:55.000 Josh Emmett.

01:23:57.000 See if you can find...

01:23:58.000 Just Google this.

01:23:59.000 Josh Emmett details hellish road back to health.

01:24:02.000 Following Jeremy Stevens KO. MMAfighting.com.

01:24:05.000 What is that stuff you got over there?

01:24:06.000 What stuff?

01:24:06.000 This?

01:24:07.000 Yeah.

01:24:07.000 That's alpha brain.

01:24:09.000 It's a cognitive...

01:24:11.000 Should I try it?

01:24:11.000 Yeah, you should.

01:24:12.000 Is this the limitless pill? 1.00

01:24:13.000 Dumb motherfucker. 1.00

01:24:14.000 LAUGHTER No, it actually tastes good. 1.00

01:24:18.000 After this, now we're going to be talking about science.

01:24:20.000 So this dude...

01:24:22.000 I can't even open it.

01:24:23.000 I don't hear...

01:24:23.000 Oh, here we go.

01:24:24.000 Bite it and tear it open.

01:24:25.000 That dude got KO'd by Jeremy Stevens, who's like one of the most ruthless knockout artists in the UFC, and he's got... 0.73

01:24:32.000 Major facial fractures Major his like orbital was fractured his cheekbone was fractured his nasal cavity was fractured like fucking everything is fractured and he just had emergency surgery Like the second surgery. 0.98

01:24:49.000 He went to Orlando where the fight was and they either misdiagnosed him or they missed some of the injuries, but he was still fucked up. 0.95

01:24:57.000 They didn't catch a lot of things, he says.

01:24:58.000 And then he went to another doctor and got an MRI and they immediately took him into surgery. 0.99

01:25:04.000 Like, dude, your fucking whole head is broken. 1.00

01:25:06.000 That's what I'm saying! 1.00

01:25:07.000 Yeah.

01:25:08.000 I don't get it.

01:25:09.000 But this is legal.

01:25:09.000 Here's my thing.

01:25:10.000 Have you fought yourself?

01:25:11.000 You fought, right?

01:25:11.000 Not in this stuff.

01:25:12.000 There was no MMA where I was fighting.

01:25:14.000 I kickboxed and I fought in a lot of Taekwondo tournaments.

01:25:17.000 There's nothing in you to fight now?

01:25:20.000 No.

01:25:20.000 I'm 50 years old.

01:25:21.000 What the fuck am I doing doing that? 0.99

01:25:23.000 Don't they got like a 42 and over league? 0.99

01:25:26.000 They don't, but there are some guys that are in their 40s that still fight.

01:25:30.000 It's a young man's game, right? 1.00

01:25:33.000 It's also a young man's game because...

01:25:36.000 By the time you're 40, you've got to think you've been doing it for a long time, which means you've been absorbing a lot of punishment for a long time, which means you should probably be done.

01:25:45.000 If you want to live into your 70s and 80s and be able to hold your bowels in and know where your keys are, there's a certain point in time where you can't get hit anymore.

01:25:57.000 Dude, even other sports.

01:25:59.000 You ever see these old basketball players, how they can't walk?

01:26:02.000 Yeah.

01:26:02.000 It's crazy.

01:26:03.000 Yeah, knees get devastated. 0.97

01:26:04.000 Yeah, they just, they can't, you know, they're like, Doc Rivers, I got Clippers tickets, so I see Doc Rivers, he's on the sideline, he can't even.

01:26:11.000 He's also a really tall guy, and that alone, all those leverage points, and all the impact, the constant, and especially I mean, a lot of these guys, they didn't understand overtraining.

01:26:22.000 They overtrained.

01:26:23.000 They had injuries.

01:26:24.000 They just toughed it out and worked through them.

01:26:26.000 You know, back injuries, weird spinal issues.

01:26:30.000 That's why I think they should let every professional athlete for, like, there's a week period where they get to take some steroids and recover.

01:26:36.000 A week?

01:26:37.000 It's just a week.

01:26:37.000 That's not enough.

01:26:38.000 Oh, okay.

01:26:39.000 You'd have to be on a cycle.

01:26:41.000 You'd have to be on a cycle for six to eight weeks.

01:26:43.000 So in the off-season, you get that six to eight weeks of that steroid cream and cryotherapy to get your body...

01:26:54.000 No, I agree with you.

01:26:55.000 Because the doctor gives regular people steroids to recover from certain injuries.

01:26:59.000 Sure.

01:27:00.000 And then we're paying these people to entertain us.

01:27:02.000 We should allow them to...

01:27:10.000 I agree.

01:27:12.000 The problem is when you go on a cycle, like say if you went on a steroid cycle, your endocrine system shuts down.

01:27:17.000 And so then when you go off the steroids, Your body has a normalization period.

01:27:22.000 And a lot of time, I don't know the hard numbers, but I think what they try to say is it's 50% of the time that you were on the steroids.

01:27:29.000 So say if you're on steroids for three months, you would need a one and a half month recovery period before your hormones normalize.

01:27:36.000 And sometimes you need help.

01:27:38.000 Getting your hormones to normalize.

01:27:40.000 There's a bunch of things called clomiphene.

01:27:42.000 There's a bunch of different...

01:27:43.000 Is that also illegal stuff?

01:27:45.000 Yes.

01:27:46.000 All those are illegal.

01:27:47.000 Oh, there you go.

01:27:48.000 Depending on what the regulations are and what sport you're in. 1.00

01:27:52.000 But in MMA, all that shit... 0.99

01:27:52.000 Are you into other sports? 0.99

01:27:53.000 Do you watch football, basketball, none of that?

01:27:55.000 Or are you just strictly...

01:27:55.000 I don't even know the rules.

01:27:57.000 I don't know what's happening.

01:27:58.000 When I watch a football game, people are blowing whistles.

01:28:01.000 I'm not.

01:28:02.000 I'm not.

01:28:03.000 I just don't have any room.

01:28:04.000 Look, I watch Professional Pool.

01:28:06.000 Okay, you're one of those.

01:28:07.000 I got you.

01:28:08.000 You must love going to Canada.

01:28:09.000 You know every time I go to Canada and I turn on their ESPN in Canada?

01:28:13.000 Snooker.

01:28:13.000 And they got like, they got the darts.

01:28:15.000 Curling.

01:28:15.000 They got curling.

01:28:16.000 They got stuff where I go, we would never show this bullshit. 1.00

01:28:19.000 Ha ha! 1.00

01:28:20.000 Can I get a Kleenex, man?

01:28:22.000 I feel like I'm nasally.

01:28:23.000 There you go, nasally.

01:28:27.000 Yeah, so it's not that I don't...

01:28:30.000 I'm a caveman.

01:28:31.000 It's just I like what I... Jesus.

01:28:33.000 Jesus, Eric.

01:28:34.000 Why are you doing that on mic?

01:28:36.000 I got a big nose.

01:28:37.000 Push that microphone to the side. 0.97

01:28:38.000 I'm four feet away from the...

01:28:39.000 Yeah, but you're blowing hard with that schnozzle. 1.00

01:28:43.000 You're going deep, son.

01:28:45.000 You just made people throw up.

01:28:49.000 It's funny how the fluid coming out of people's nose is so vile, the sound.

01:28:54.000 When you're on a basketball court or something like that and someone does a snot rocket, you see it like...

01:29:03.000 This from the guy that wants to watch blood on people's face.

01:29:06.000 I don't want to watch blood on people's face.

01:29:07.000 I just think that it would be a more realistic...

01:29:10.000 You don't get a thrill out of that?

01:29:10.000 You don't get a thrill out of when somebody gets punched and then they turn around and they're just like, you know...

01:29:15.000 No, I don't get a thrill out of that.

01:29:16.000 I get a thrill out of knockouts, for sure. 0.84

01:29:19.000 Which is worse.

01:29:20.000 And guys hitting people with big shots.

01:29:23.000 But it's not specifically about blood.

01:29:25.000 In fact, I think I don't like blood because it gets in the way and it stops fights.

01:29:30.000 Stops the fight.

01:29:30.000 Yeah, that's the argument against elbows, actually.

01:29:33.000 The cuts stop good fights, but they also knock people off.

01:29:36.000 Why don't you just throw that out like a big boy? 0.97

01:29:37.000 Is there garbage over there? 0.99

01:29:38.000 Where's the garbage?

01:29:39.000 Just seeing it is bothering you? 0.91

01:29:42.000 Bag of snot.

01:29:44.000 I double-wrapped it.

01:29:46.000 It's right there.

01:29:47.000 I double-wrapped it, man.

01:29:49.000 I have it sitting on the table, and that snot's trying to get out.

01:29:53.000 Oh, yeah.

01:29:55.000 It's like Alien.

01:29:56.000 It's like...

01:29:59.000 I had to get it out, sorry. 0.78

01:30:00.000 Yeah, I don't know how we got from sex robots to snot.

01:30:03.000 It was a circuitous path.

01:30:07.000 That's what happens on this podcast, man.

01:30:09.000 I watch it a lot.

01:30:10.000 You go from like, I'm like, how'd they get there?

01:30:12.000 We don't even know.

01:30:13.000 We don't know what we did.

01:30:14.000 We don't know how it got there.

01:30:16.000 Well, I guess I should probably also plug my new specials coming out.

01:30:21.000 Oh, is that why you're here?

01:30:23.000 Is that why I'm here?

01:30:25.000 When is it coming out?

01:30:26.000 And how can the folks at home get it?

01:30:27.000 June 8th on Showtime, American Warrior.

01:30:31.000 I sent you a clip, but I know you didn't watch it.

01:30:32.000 That's what you are, American Warrior?

01:30:33.000 Yeah, I call it American.

01:30:34.000 Well, with the American, Eric is in the name American.

01:30:38.000 Right.

01:30:38.000 And so I just spell it with a K. Oh, American.

01:30:41.000 Yeah.

01:30:41.000 Oh, I like.

01:30:42.000 Oh, look at that.

01:30:43.000 American Warrior.

01:30:44.000 There it is.

01:30:44.000 On Showtime.

01:30:45.000 Ah, I like it.

01:30:46.000 That's actually, ooh, dude, that looks cool.

01:30:47.000 I like the background. 1.00

01:30:48.000 Where'd you film that shit? 1.00

01:30:49.000 In Portland, at the Star Theater in Portland. 1.00

01:30:52.000 Oh, dude, I love Portland.

01:30:54.000 Yeah, Portland is great.

01:30:55.000 And this one, my first special, The Ugly Truth, that I was talking about, Kevin Christie drew that for me.

01:31:03.000 Did he really?

01:31:04.000 Yeah, isn't that fantastic?

01:31:05.000 Oh, that's amazing.

01:31:06.000 Kevin's so talented.

01:31:07.000 I wanted to be on a road and then have a chicken next to me with grenades on it.

01:31:13.000 You know what I mean?

01:31:14.000 Like, we buy the chicken across the road.

01:31:18.000 So you get it!

01:31:19.000 Thank you!

01:31:19.000 That's a great picture, though, man.

01:31:21.000 That's just as good.

01:31:22.000 He did a great job.

01:31:23.000 That looks amazing.

01:31:24.000 And this one, I really go for it on this one, man.

01:31:26.000 You know, I'm talking about...

01:31:29.000 I'm talking about award show protesting.

01:31:30.000 I'm talking about kneeling for the national anthem, Me Too, Tiger Woods.

01:31:36.000 I'm going in on this one.

01:31:37.000 Going in.

01:31:38.000 Hard.

01:31:38.000 So you're happy with it?

01:31:39.000 I am happy with it.

01:31:40.000 Beautiful.

01:31:41.000 Because the thing about, like, one thing that's weird about specials now, that, you know, they have to be, you know, you could tell, oh, they filmed that a year ago or two years ago, and it's like, we're not allowed to, like, you know. 0.96

01:31:50.000 Topical shit? 0.73

01:31:52.000 Because there's so much content out there right now, it's like, get it out there. 0.99

01:31:56.000 For me, I want to know what Joe Rogan thinks about the stuff that's going on.

01:32:01.000 I want to see you talk about it for 30 minutes on a national scale.

01:32:04.000 And we just don't do that, and we've got to do that now.

01:32:06.000 I think we should be doing that, because they're putting out stuff so fast anyway, then it's not special anymore.

01:32:11.000 You need to stop calling them specials.

01:32:13.000 They're not special.

01:32:15.000 What is the name for them if they're not specials, right?

01:32:17.000 It's our content.

01:32:18.000 It's a weird name.

01:32:19.000 It should be like our conversations.

01:32:21.000 So this is an Eric Griffin conversation.

01:32:22.000 The Rolling Stones don't put out a special, they put out an album.

01:32:25.000 They put out an album!

01:32:26.000 Right?

01:32:26.000 Like, what did we do?

01:32:27.000 We put out a special.

01:32:28.000 They were special because there was only five of them a year.

01:32:31.000 Right.

01:32:31.000 And you had to be a giant to get one.

01:32:33.000 And it was like a celebration of your career and your fans.

01:32:38.000 It was like, I've made it, here's this, so your fans could go, yo, to not fans, come watch this.

01:32:44.000 This guy's really funny.

01:32:45.000 And you do make maybe four of them in a career.

01:32:48.000 A career!

01:32:49.000 This is my second one now.

01:32:53.000 Nobody saw the first one!

01:32:55.000 You know what I mean?

01:32:55.000 The first one wasn't that long ago either.

01:32:57.000 It was like two years ago?

01:32:58.000 No, it was last year.

01:32:59.000 It came out last year, but I taped it two years ago, the year before.

01:33:02.000 So it took a year to come out.

01:33:04.000 It took a year to come out because they wanted it to come out with the show.

01:33:07.000 I'm dying up here.

01:33:08.000 Sunday's on Showtime.

01:33:09.000 They wanted it to come out with the show, and so the same thing happened this year.

01:33:12.000 I'm dying up here's out, you know.

01:33:14.000 And if someone doesn't have Showtime, can they watch it on Amazon or anything like that?

01:33:18.000 No, they can.

01:33:18.000 Eventually they'll be able to.

01:33:19.000 But, you know, it's one of those things you've got to have Showtime.

01:33:22.000 Yeah, you get the Showtime Anytime app.

01:33:24.000 Oh, okay.

01:33:24.000 Showtime Anytime, and yeah, you can watch it there.

01:33:27.000 And I just think that we need to, I want to hear, with all this stuff that's been going on, especially with Trump, in the Trump era, imagine, like...

01:33:35.000 Did you see what he said today?

01:33:36.000 Did he think he could pardon himself?

01:33:38.000 Dude, there's always...

01:33:40.000 He wrote pardon in all caps.

01:33:42.000 He thinks he can pardon himself?

01:33:43.000 He wrote pardon in all caps.

01:33:45.000 In all caps, he wrote pardon.

01:33:47.000 Like, this is like...

01:33:49.000 We did this!

01:33:50.000 Well, people did it.

01:33:51.000 I didn't do it.

01:33:51.000 I voted for Gary Johnson.

01:33:52.000 He was on my podcast.

01:33:53.000 I voted for him.

01:33:54.000 Yeah, well, see, that's what I'm saying.

01:33:55.000 Yeah, so you say, well, that's a vote for Trump, really, in this day and age.

01:33:59.000 How dare you?

01:34:00.000 I'm just saying.

01:34:00.000 It's not because it's California, and California went for Clinton anyway.

01:34:04.000 Because of the Electoral College.

01:34:06.000 Yeah, but by the way, if they got rid of the Electoral College, then the Republican candidate would come to California, they'd go up to Northern California, and they'd get 10-15 million votes for them anyway.

01:34:17.000 Northern, yeah.

01:34:18.000 Yeah, Northern California.

01:34:20.000 Anything between San Francisco and all the way down the five coming to here, too.

01:34:25.000 Not just Northern California.

01:34:26.000 Because people think of Northern California as being like San Francisco, but no.

01:34:31.000 There's hours of driving above San Francisco.

01:34:34.000 You could drive for eight hours and still be in California.

01:34:36.000 Yeah.

01:34:38.000 California's a day drive.

01:34:39.000 If you go from Mexico all the way up to Oregon, it's a day. 0.98

01:34:43.000 These people that live on the East Coast and Midwest, in two hours they could go through four states.

01:34:48.000 You know what I mean?

01:34:49.000 And they have.

01:34:50.000 And it's not us, man.

01:34:51.000 That's why it's tough to...

01:34:52.000 Well, that's why they want to change into three Californians. 1.00

01:34:55.000 Have you heard that shit? 1.00

01:34:56.000 Yeah, they don't want to do that shit. 1.00

01:34:57.000 They're talking about putting it on the ballot. 1.00

01:34:59.000 It'd be a poor state. 0.99

01:35:01.000 It wouldn't be good, because L.A. would have all the fucking money. 0.99

01:35:03.000 Yeah. 0.99

01:35:04.000 You know?

01:35:04.000 I mean, it would be L.A., San Francisco, and then farmers.

01:35:08.000 Yeah, I think they just want to get...

01:35:09.000 It would be another...

01:35:10.000 What would that do to the electoral votes?

01:35:13.000 That's a good question.

01:35:14.000 Like, we have 55 now, so then it would be like, what, the main epicenter?

01:35:19.000 Well, wherever there's urban ethnic people, though, they're going to not... 0.99

01:35:22.000 They're going to draw those...

01:35:24.000 What are you showing me, Jamie?

01:35:25.000 Jamie?

01:35:25.000 California is the fifth largest economy in the world.

01:35:28.000 In the world.

01:35:30.000 Jesus Christ.

01:35:32.000 Yeah, take that, Uruguay.

01:35:33.000 If we beat out the whole of the UK, we beat out the United Kingdom.

01:35:37.000 United Kingdom is Scotland too, right?

01:35:39.000 That's not just England, Scotland, who else is it?

01:35:42.000 Is it Ireland?

01:35:43.000 Is that the UK? I don't think so, yeah.

01:35:45.000 Christ. 1.00

01:35:47.000 That's a big fucking place. 1.00

01:35:49.000 Isn't it like 20% of the entire population of the United States live in California? 1.00

01:35:54.000 13% or something like that. 0.96

01:35:55.000 Something silly.

01:35:56.000 8%. 0.87

01:35:56.000 It's like 1 in 13. But we don't know the real numbers. 0.87

01:35:59.000 Oh, I thought it was way more than that.

01:36:00.000 Yeah, it's a little bit less than that.

01:36:01.000 It was more before, I thought.

01:36:03.000 They think there's 20 million people here. 0.99

01:36:04.000 I don't think they're fucking counting. 0.98

01:36:06.000 Oh. 0.98

01:36:07.000 Did you ever get...

01:36:08.000 Did anybody count you?

01:36:09.000 Did you get counted?

01:36:10.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:36:10.000 What are they doing to count?

01:36:12.000 They ain't counting anybody.

01:36:14.000 Especially all the people that are here illegally. 1.00

01:36:15.000 How many people do you know that are here illegally?

01:36:17.000 Yeah.

01:36:17.000 I don't know too many people that are illegal.

01:36:19.000 I used to know a lot of people who were Canadian that were illegal.

01:36:21.000 I'm just so bougie now that I'm not even around people that...

01:36:23.000 Where would they be?

01:36:25.000 We don't run in the same circles.

01:36:27.000 Actually, the lady that cleans my house, she might be illegal. 1.00

01:36:34.000 What about the guy?

01:36:35.000 Blanca.

01:36:36.000 Her name is Blanca.

01:36:37.000 She's great.

01:36:37.000 Are you in an apartment or do you have a house?

01:36:38.000 No, I don't have a house yet.

01:36:40.000 I'm weird about it.

01:36:41.000 Good move.

01:36:42.000 Good to be here.

01:36:43.000 I always feel like this job I'm in now is the last job I'll ever have and I'm going to need my money.

01:36:48.000 Well, let me stop you right there.

01:36:49.000 You're a funny dude and you're always going to do well.

01:36:51.000 But I want to get the house I want.

01:36:54.000 I want to get the house I want to die in.

01:36:55.000 Do you have a podcast?

01:36:56.000 No, I don't.

01:36:57.000 Time to get a podcast.

01:36:59.000 That's the next thing.

01:36:59.000 I'm working on it.

01:37:00.000 You're good at this.

01:37:02.000 You'd be perfect at it.

01:37:03.000 I know.

01:37:03.000 We'll be competing, right?

01:37:05.000 No.

01:37:06.000 See, I have everybody on my podcast, man.

01:37:08.000 People that are supposedly competing, but I want them to do well.

01:37:11.000 I think there's enough out there for everybody.

01:37:13.000 I really do.

01:37:14.000 This is about people's own personal time anyway.

01:37:18.000 When they watch you, they listen to your podcast, and then they listen to the next one.

01:37:21.000 It's not live anymore.

01:37:24.000 Nothing's live anymore.

01:37:25.000 That's true.

01:37:26.000 I don't even know when my favorite shows come on.

01:37:29.000 I just put them in the queue, and then I watch them.

01:37:32.000 All my shows come on on Sunday night.

01:37:33.000 That's how I look at it.

01:37:34.000 Right.

01:37:35.000 Because that's when I watch TV. Yeah, that's a unique thing, and most of the shit I watch these days is on Netflix. 0.99

01:37:42.000 Yeah. 0.96

01:37:42.000 So it's all streaming. 0.96

01:37:43.000 Yeah.

01:37:44.000 Netflix, what a juggernaut they are, huh? 1.00

01:37:45.000 Goddamn. 0.99

01:37:46.000 I don't think it's sustainable. 1.00

01:37:47.000 Goddamn. 0.99

01:37:47.000 It can't be sustainable. 0.99

01:37:48.000 Why is that?

01:37:49.000 It's doing so well.

01:37:50.000 Yeah, but here's the thing.

01:37:51.000 If I drop $60 million on Netflix, I drop $60 million to make a project, and you watch it in 10 hours, then you're like, hey, what's next?

01:38:03.000 I bet you, I guarantee you, in a couple years, Netflix is going to stop this, the whole show comes out in one sitting.

01:38:09.000 They're going to probably do it in chunks. 0.79

01:38:10.000 Why would they do that?

01:38:11.000 Because you want...

01:38:12.000 Anticipation...

01:38:14.000 You're fired.

01:38:15.000 What it does to your brain...

01:38:16.000 If you're working in the boardroom, as soon as you walked out of the door, I'd be like, fire him.

01:38:19.000 No, man.

01:38:20.000 Get rid of him. 1.00

01:38:20.000 He's retarded. 1.00

01:38:21.000 He doesn't have any idea what he's talking about. 0.98

01:38:24.000 Anticipation, psychologically, feels just as good as actually achieving their thing.

01:38:29.000 That anticipation you feel, like waiting to see what happens next week.

01:38:33.000 Oh, you're on a Showtime show.

01:38:35.000 I see what's going on. 1.00

01:38:36.000 This motherfucker right here. 1.00

01:38:38.000 I see what's going on. 1.00

01:38:39.000 You're trying to, like, justify being on a Showtime show.

01:38:42.000 I think it's a good thing that they come out on Sundays.

01:38:45.000 It is.

01:38:45.000 It is a good thing.

01:38:46.000 It's a good thing.

01:38:46.000 You can binge it at the end of the season.

01:38:48.000 Yeah, that's not good.

01:38:49.000 See, before, before...

01:38:50.000 I like binging.

01:38:51.000 You can still binge!

01:38:52.000 Yeah, but this model, obviously, is uber successful.

01:38:55.000 Like, one of the most successful things ever.

01:38:57.000 Then why are they talking about they're losing money all the time?

01:38:59.000 What are you talking about?

01:39:00.000 Look at that!

01:39:02.000 Do you know how much money Netflix made?

01:39:04.000 Netflix has hundreds of millions of subscribers that each pay $10 a month.

01:39:10.000 They make more money than anybody.

01:39:13.000 But they're also putting out money.

01:39:15.000 If they're giving stand-up comics $20 million to make specials...

01:39:19.000 Well, they put out 52 specials.

01:39:22.000 Let's say they paid $100,000, which I know they didn't.

01:39:25.000 They paid way more than that for each of them.

01:39:27.000 That's still a lot of money right there, man.

01:39:28.000 Yeah, I like how you didn't even bother counting it.

01:39:30.000 I didn't want to count it.

01:39:30.000 What is it, like $50 million?

01:39:35.000 I'm the worst at doing simple math in my head.

01:39:38.000 I'm like, $500 times 25 weeks is, what is that?

01:39:42.000 It's like $15. 0.98

01:39:43.000 I don't know what the fuck that is. 0.99

01:39:45.000 It's a lot of money! 1.00

01:39:45.000 It's a lot of money, damn it! 1.00

01:39:48.000 They make Stranger Things. 0.98

01:39:49.000 Stranger Things is an expensive show. 0.99

01:39:51.000 Goddamn good show. 0.99

01:39:52.000 And then people watch it in one week, it's over. 0.97

01:39:54.000 But then you're saying as a Netflix person, hey, what's next?

01:39:56.000 Yeah, but millions of people watch it in that week.

01:40:00.000 No, I get that.

01:40:00.000 And those people are justifying that $10 a month that they spend.

01:40:03.000 That's why they have their content constantly coming in.

01:40:06.000 Netflix is really close to surpassing Disney's valuation.

01:40:11.000 Do you know how crazy that is?

01:40:12.000 I did a Netflix special, by the way, in 2005. Oh, shit. 0.99

01:40:16.000 You won the OG originals. 1.00

01:40:18.000 I was OG, son.

01:40:19.000 You imagined you didn't get $20 million, though?

01:40:21.000 Yeah, well, I'm happy.

01:40:23.000 But that's showing you that you're incorrect. 0.95

01:40:27.000 Netflix is making shit tons of money. 0.72

01:40:29.000 No, no.

01:40:29.000 Just because they're valuable doesn't mean that they're making a profit.

01:40:31.000 They're taking on debt, so it's business.

01:40:35.000 But how much are they making versus how much are they spending?

01:40:38.000 It's just like Uber.

01:40:39.000 Uber's evaluation was...

01:40:40.000 I think they took on another $8 billion in debt.

01:40:44.000 What does that mean, though, when they do that?

01:40:47.000 But is it based on their earnings?

01:40:50.000 Aren't they making billions of dollars a year?

01:40:52.000 Yeah, they're making money, and then they took on more debt.

01:40:54.000 So they just reinvested it back into the company.

01:40:55.000 They're not really interested in turning a profit, maybe, for 2017. They're looking more into 2025. That's what I'm talking about, man.

01:41:02.000 Is that true?

01:41:02.000 Do you know what you're saying?

01:41:03.000 Did you guess?

01:41:04.000 It's It's not sustainable.

01:41:05.000 But hold on a second.

01:41:06.000 How much do they make?

01:41:07.000 Let's find out instead of just guessing. 0.98

01:41:09.000 Not that I give a fuck, but obviously Eric does because he's so invested in Showtime. 0.99

01:41:13.000 Oh, this guy. 0.98

01:41:14.000 And this model of...

01:41:14.000 What does Showtime do to you?

01:41:16.000 I like Showtime.

01:41:16.000 See, this is like that time I saw you...

01:41:17.000 My Netflix special that I did in 2005, we actually sold to Showtime.

01:41:22.000 See?

01:41:22.000 Once I got the rights to it.

01:41:23.000 There you go.

01:41:23.000 And then it went back to Netflix, kid.

01:41:25.000 Oh.

01:41:26.000 It's one of them licensing deals.

01:41:27.000 Well, now my licensing deal is just going to...

01:41:29.000 I don't know what it's going to be.

01:41:30.000 I don't know.

01:41:31.000 My first special I did with Rooftop, which was now owned by Amazon.

01:41:36.000 So I think you can get the audio.

01:41:37.000 Oh, that's good.

01:41:38.000 You can get the audio on.

01:41:38.000 I think Amazon's going to buy Netflix.

01:41:40.000 Watch. 0.99

01:41:40.000 Look what Showtime has done for fucking Sebastian. 0.99

01:41:43.000 That's what I'm saying. 0.98

01:41:44.000 I mean, it's not a bad place to be.

01:41:46.000 This is not a bad place to be.

01:41:46.000 I love Showtime.

01:41:47.000 It's a great place to be.

01:41:48.000 If Showtime wants to be in the Eric Griffin business, I'm all about it.

01:41:51.000 Yeah.

01:41:51.000 No, I hear you, man.

01:41:52.000 Look, Showtime's great.

01:41:54.000 Don't get me wrong.

01:41:55.000 So my special comes out on Friday, but only 10 minutes at a time.

01:41:58.000 So then next week...

01:42:02.000 You'll be in the middle of a bit.

01:42:03.000 And this is what I think about Bill Cosby!

01:42:07.000 Tune in next week!

01:42:09.000 Hey, that might be the new model, man.

01:42:10.000 American Warrior!

01:42:12.000 Episode 2!

01:42:16.000 We gotta come up with...

01:42:17.000 Dude, you gotta come up with some kind of gimmicks.

01:42:19.000 It's like there's so many specials out there.

01:42:21.000 Just keep swinging.

01:42:22.000 That's what I'm doing, man.

01:42:23.000 Look.

01:42:23.000 It's just me on stage.

01:42:24.000 There's no skits in the front or the back end.

01:42:26.000 Good. 1.00

01:42:27.000 There's none of that shit. 0.99

01:42:27.000 It's just an announcement. 0.99

01:42:29.000 Did anybody introduce you or did you just walk on stage?

01:42:30.000 No, somebody introduced me. 0.99

01:42:31.000 New shit is just walking on stage. 0.99

01:42:32.000 Oh, and that's you? 1.00

01:42:33.000 That's how you doing it?

01:42:34.000 That's all I do.

01:42:34.000 It just turns on?

01:42:35.000 I just walk on stage.

01:42:37.000 Okay, that's going to be the next one.

01:42:38.000 No introduction.

01:42:39.000 I did introduction last time.

01:42:40.000 I'm like, you know what?

01:42:40.000 That's a waste of time.

01:42:42.000 I feel you.

01:42:43.000 Especially when you have to cut it down.

01:42:44.000 I had to cut out nine minutes.

01:42:46.000 It's tricky, right?

01:42:47.000 Nine minutes?

01:42:48.000 People don't understand how long nine minutes is for comedy.

01:42:53.000 Yeah.

01:42:53.000 That's a long-ass time.

01:42:54.000 I was shooting babies, man.

01:42:56.000 How many did you film?

01:42:57.000 I did twice.

01:42:58.000 Twice is good.

01:42:59.000 If I had to do it again, I would want to do it four times.

01:43:02.000 That's what I'd do.

01:43:02.000 And I would take the two second shows and be the one.

01:43:06.000 You know?

01:43:07.000 Well, I did four last time in San Francisco, my last one.

01:43:12.000 And then this one in Boston, I did four too.

01:43:14.000 But you got four money.

01:43:15.000 You know what I mean?

01:43:16.000 Yeah, you got to pay more.

01:43:17.000 You got to have four money.

01:43:19.000 But you know what?

01:43:19.000 For me, it was like, I know you want to be loose.

01:43:22.000 And because of that, I was looser in the first show than I've ever been.

01:43:26.000 Because I didn't just think I had two barrels. 0.99

01:43:29.000 I was tight as fuck in my first show here. 0.99

01:43:32.000 And the crowd was. 0.99

01:43:33.000 I was in Portland. 0.96

01:43:34.000 So it was like these liberal, pretentious white people. 1.00

01:43:37.000 And you're talking about dangerous shit. 1.00

01:43:39.000 It was, man. 1.00

01:43:41.000 You have to own it when you talk about this stuff.

01:43:43.000 You got to own it.

01:43:43.000 You do have to own it.

01:43:45.000 Unapologetic.

01:43:46.000 That's how you have to do it.

01:43:47.000 So the second show was so loosey-goosey and I think I captured something here.

01:43:52.000 Yeah, Portland's an interesting place because it's real liberal to the point where they go so far left that they're like militant in a way.

01:44:01.000 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

01:44:02.000 But I had a great time there, man.

01:44:04.000 I had a great time there last time I was there.

01:44:06.000 I was there like six months ago. 0.96

01:44:07.000 I fucking loved it. 0.91

01:44:08.000 Do you find it, like, out there, it's, you know, in this Trump era, I find that comedy has been challenging. 0.98

01:44:16.000 It's definitely, it's not just the Trump era.

01:44:19.000 It's the era of outrage.

01:44:20.000 Yes, yes, yes.

01:44:21.000 But what I'm saying is, I find that Trump people are angry winners, you know?

01:44:28.000 They're angry winners.

01:44:29.000 Like, you won!

01:44:29.000 Your guy's in office!

01:44:31.000 They're gloaters. 1.00

01:44:32.000 And then you say anything and they're just like, fuck you! 1.00

01:44:34.000 Oh, if you say anything bad about Trump, and I have, they fucking come hard at you. 1.00

01:44:39.000 They come hard. 0.99

01:44:40.000 And I get it.

01:44:40.000 I get it.

01:44:41.000 That's your guy.

01:44:42.000 If that's your guy, that's your guy.

01:44:43.000 I get it. 1.00

01:44:44.000 Well, he's the king of the assholes. 1.00

01:44:45.000 The assholes have never been represented before. 1.00

01:44:48.000 For real. 1.00

01:44:49.000 Well, I don't know. 1.00

01:44:50.000 I think there's been quite a few assholes. 0.99

01:44:50.000 No, for real. 0.99

01:44:51.000 Not by a politician who's overtly asshole-ish. 0.99

01:44:55.000 Yeah, he's definitely... 0.98

01:44:56.000 When has that ever happened?

01:44:58.000 I know.

01:44:58.000 Never.

01:45:00.000 I'm a very stable genius.

01:45:02.000 Yeah.

01:45:03.000 Calls himself a stable genius.

01:45:05.000 Dude, that tweet is dark, where he says, I have every right to pardon, in all letters, in all capital letters, myself.

01:45:12.000 I looked at that this morning, and I got sick to my stomach a little bit.

01:45:16.000 It's just a guy that doesn't know how to do the job.

01:45:19.000 And it's not his fault that he was given the job.

01:45:25.000 Well, he went after it.

01:45:27.000 I know, but it's not his fault he was the best candidate in the Republican Party.

01:45:33.000 They should be the ones that should be ashamed of themselves.

01:45:36.000 I was watching the Trevor Noah show, and he was showing this clip of Trump at a rally.

01:45:41.000 He's already won.

01:45:42.000 And he's up there saying, you know, they told me to say drain the swamp.

01:45:48.000 Right.

01:45:48.000 I didn't like it.

01:45:49.000 He's saying this.

01:45:50.000 I didn't like that, but they said it would work. 0.99

01:45:53.000 He even has contempt for the people that believed the bullshit that he was saying. 0.99

01:45:58.000 He has contempt for them by just going like, you know, I said these things just to get elected. 0.99

01:46:02.000 And it worked.

01:46:04.000 And these other people, they just were horrible candidates.

01:46:07.000 Kevin Christie.

01:46:09.000 And so he was...

01:46:11.000 Chris Christie.

01:46:11.000 I said Kevin Christie.

01:46:12.000 He was on my mind.

01:46:14.000 The guy that drew my...

01:46:15.000 The awesome artist.

01:46:16.000 The awesome artist.

01:46:17.000 Yeah.

01:46:17.000 So, you know...

01:46:18.000 Kevin Christie's right now listening to this going, what the fuck did I do to you? 0.99

01:46:21.000 What did I do? 0.99

01:46:21.000 I know. 0.99

01:46:22.000 I drew that awesome cover for you.

01:46:23.000 I didn't run for office. 1.00

01:46:23.000 Jesus shit. 1.00

01:46:24.000 I don't know. 1.00

01:46:25.000 Ungrateful motherfucker. 1.00

01:46:26.000 So why wouldn't he be an asshole? 1.00

01:46:28.000 Why wouldn't he be like a sore winner? 1.00

01:46:29.000 You know what I mean? 0.92

01:46:30.000 He's a gloater.

01:46:31.000 I get it.

01:46:32.000 But it's the age of outrage.

01:46:34.000 And this is like what we're seeing from this Roseanne stuff. 0.97

01:46:37.000 Like, dude, I've been called a racist more times over the last few days for defending Roseanne and saying that I know her, she's mentally ill, and that she's on all kinds of pills.

01:46:47.000 I don't think she's a racist.

01:46:48.000 Listen, I'm going to say this too.

01:46:50.000 I think that this is a just because you can doesn't mean you should situation.

01:46:55.000 Can I tweet something inappropriate?

01:46:58.000 Of course you can.

01:47:00.000 Should you, when you have all of these things that you're responsible for?

01:47:06.000 Sure.

01:47:06.000 You're the lead of a show.

01:47:09.000 It's a family show.

01:47:11.000 You're on a family network.

01:47:13.000 You have a lot of people's jobs that are depending on you.

01:47:16.000 And I think there was just an error in judgment.

01:47:19.000 Oh, 100%.

01:47:20.000 Now, do I think that she's a racist? 1.00

01:47:21.000 I think that if she had just called the woman just ugly, And talked about her job. 0.98

01:47:30.000 Would this have been the same thing? 0.99

01:47:32.000 But you add, you know, it's like if you call somebody a bitch, okay, people can have a problem with that. 1.00

01:47:39.000 You call somebody a black bitch, then all of a sudden that changes it. 1.00

01:47:44.000 Oh, yeah. 1.00

01:47:44.000 If you call somebody a black monkey bitch, then you're like, okay, where is this coming from? 1.00

01:47:48.000 Well, a perfect example is Samantha Bee calling Ivanka Trump a feckless cunt, and she said it on TV. I know. 1.00

01:47:57.000 I mean, that was prepared.

01:47:58.000 Like, someone wrote that out.

01:47:59.000 It was a part of her monologue.

01:48:01.000 She said it on television, and then they apologized.

01:48:03.000 They're like, ah, I shouldn't have said it.

01:48:04.000 And TBS is like, we're good.

01:48:08.000 But the advertisers are not good.

01:48:09.000 They're pulling out left and right.

01:48:10.000 But here's the thing with Roseanne.

01:48:14.000 She's not well.

01:48:15.000 This is a fact.

01:48:18.000 I've talked to her.

01:48:19.000 She's told me.

01:48:20.000 I've talked to other people who know her.

01:48:21.000 I've talked to people who worked with her. 1.00

01:48:23.000 She's mentally ill. 1.00

01:48:24.000 She talks openly about it. 1.00

01:48:26.000 Hold on a second.

01:48:27.000 She's on a host of medications.

01:48:29.000 She's on antidepressants.

01:48:31.000 She's on Ambien.

01:48:33.000 She's drinking.

01:48:34.000 She's smoking pot. 1.00

01:48:35.000 She's 66 years old.

01:48:37.000 She's not well.

01:48:39.000 She smokes cigarettes.

01:48:40.000 She's out of it. 1.00

01:48:41.000 She's got real mental issues. 1.00

01:48:44.000 Now, here's the thing. 1.00

01:48:45.000 If she had problems with her lungs, And she was smoking cigarettes and coughing up blood and doing stupid shit like trying to run marathons. 1.00

01:48:55.000 Would people go, hey, you know, what the fuck is wrong with you? 1.00

01:48:58.000 You think you could run a marathon? 1.00

01:49:00.000 What are you fucking stupid? 1.00

01:49:01.000 No, they wouldn't because they would go, oh, she's got an illness. 1.00

01:49:04.000 This is why she can't run.

01:49:05.000 This is why she's coughing up blood. 1.00

01:49:07.000 She's got a mental illness. 1.00

01:49:08.000 She's mentally ill. 1.00

01:49:10.000 This is a fact. 1.00

01:49:11.000 That's why she's on so many different medications.

01:49:13.000 But does mental illness, if you were starting to get mentally ill, are you saying that, like, saying, like, sort of overtly racist things?

01:49:22.000 First of all, she didn't know that lady was black. 1.00

01:49:24.000 Have you ever seen that woman?

01:49:25.000 She does not look black.

01:49:26.000 She thought that lady was Jewish. 1.00

01:49:28.000 When she said Planet of the Apes, she said it because of her haircut, because she looks like that lady from the Planet of the Apes.

01:49:33.000 She swears, and she sweared to me on the phone. 0.98

01:49:35.000 Her exact words, she goes, I would never fucking say that. 1.00

01:49:39.000 You think I'm so stupid that I would call a black lady Planet of the Apes? 1.00

01:49:42.000 She goes, I thought she was Jewish. 1.00

01:49:43.000 She goes, look at her.

01:49:45.000 She doesn't look black.

01:49:46.000 Oh, that makes it okay.

01:49:47.000 It doesn't, but she's Jewish, too.

01:49:49.000 I mean, that was the other thing.

01:49:50.000 Someone said, well, look, she did this. 0.84

01:49:52.000 She dressed up like Hitler and had Jew cookies, and she was baking them back in the day. 1.00

01:49:55.000 Yeah, she's a shitster. 1.00

01:49:57.000 By the way, she's also Jewish. 1.00

01:49:58.000 You know, I think she gets a free pass on doing that. 1.00

01:50:01.000 But I think that when you make a mistake, this is what's missing from our society now.

01:50:05.000 She made a mistake, you should be allowed to apologize for that mistake, live with the shame, and then you move on.

01:50:12.000 But what we're trying to do now is remove people from society altogether.

01:50:17.000 Like, I don't want to, like, I'm not gonna, like, we're not gonna excuse her behavior.

01:50:22.000 We're not even gonna say that there's, you know, Even whatever the reason is, all the mental illness and all this kind of stuff, it's still a mistake what happened.

01:50:32.000 She's well enough to work on a television show, so I'm saying she made this mistake, and I'm not with saying that she's a racist either, because even when I read that, I'm just saying as a comic.

01:50:46.000 We say things that a regular person is going to translate the math into like, well, this is because you don't like black people or women, or you don't like Jews, or you don't like...

01:50:56.000 And that's not how we operate.

01:50:57.000 We're just trying to be funny.

01:50:58.000 We're just trying to be funny.

01:50:59.000 And I think that she comes from an era where this is what you would say to be funny and biting.

01:51:05.000 And I think when she looked back on it, she went, oh, I didn't know this person was black.

01:51:09.000 Now, the people out there listening, you can believe it or not.

01:51:12.000 But at the same time...

01:51:14.000 The Susan Rice comment from a long time ago was way worse. 0.99

01:51:17.000 Because Susan Rice is clearly black. 1.00

01:51:19.000 And she did a comment a long time ago.

01:51:22.000 I think it was like 2013. But she said, Susan Rice is a man with giant swinging ape balls. 0.98

01:51:28.000 That's what she said. 0.99

01:51:29.000 Now that is way worse.

01:51:32.000 That's way worse. 0.99

01:51:33.000 And that is a woman who's clearly black. 1.00

01:51:36.000 I mean, you look at Susan Rice.

01:51:38.000 She's not racially ambiguous at all.

01:51:40.000 This other woman, Valerie, I don't know her name, Jarrett. 1.00

01:51:43.000 She's got straight hair.

01:51:45.000 She's got light complexion.

01:51:47.000 She's a thin... 0.72

01:51:48.000 It's all about intent, though, is what you're talking about right now.

01:51:50.000 Right.

01:51:50.000 Well, it's...

01:51:51.000 Her intent was to be funny.

01:51:53.000 She is obviously not doing...

01:51:56.000 But first of all, she was drunk and on Ambien.

01:51:58.000 And Ambien is a...

01:52:00.000 Hamilton Morris sent me an email about this.

01:52:02.000 He was explaining it to me.

01:52:03.000 And then I talked to a sleep therapist about it.

01:52:06.000 There's a type of drug that Ambien is that's called a hypnotic.

01:52:11.000 And this is one of the reasons why Ambien has so many weird side effects associated with it.

01:52:19.000 My friend Kevin James.

01:52:21.000 Kevin James got up in the middle of the night, cooked a meal, went to bed, got up in the morning, and his wife confronted him like, did you do that? 0.98

01:52:30.000 He's like, I didn't fucking do that. 0.96

01:52:32.000 And she's like, no, the food's in the trash. 0.99

01:52:34.000 You cooked it.

01:52:35.000 You ate it.

01:52:35.000 He's like, I did not.

01:52:36.000 I did not eat that.

01:52:38.000 And she's like, okay, if you didn't do it, who did?

01:52:40.000 And he had to come to grips with the fact that he was on Ambien.

01:52:43.000 He got up, cooked a meal for himself, had no recollection of it, went back to sleep.

01:52:47.000 My mom was on Ambien.

01:52:49.000 She got up in the middle of the night and drew on the shag carpet. 0.94

01:52:53.000 She had a white shag carpet in her bathroom with lipstick and with nail polish, like a little kid. 1.00

01:52:59.000 She goes, I don't remember doing it at all. 1.00

01:53:01.000 She says, it's scary shit. 0.94

01:53:03.000 I know a bunch of people that have had weird experiences on that stuff. 0.99

01:53:07.000 But if you stay in somebody's house and you were on Ambien and you messed up their shag carpet... 0.97

01:53:12.000 You'd apologize.

01:53:13.000 You'd have to apologize for it.

01:53:14.000 But this is what I'm saying with her.

01:53:16.000 And then maybe say, don't say Ambien.

01:53:18.000 She's also drunk.

01:53:21.000 On antidepressants, which you're not supposed to be, and then she's smoking pot, which I'm sure you're probably not supposed to do either when you're on those things, and she's an older lady who just got off of an exhausting schedule that almost, in her words, almost killed her. 1.00

01:53:34.000 She had bronchitis when she was filming.

01:53:36.000 I'm saying, she's not doing well. 0.99

01:53:39.000 So she made a fucked up mistake and she apologized, but everybody wants to bury her, man. 0.99

01:53:43.000 And I'm not with that. 0.99

01:53:44.000 I'll tell you with you.

01:53:46.000 But that's the society that we live in right now.

01:53:48.000 That's just like jump to outrage right now.

01:53:51.000 Not just outrage, but we want to end your career. 0.99

01:53:55.000 Why do we want to end someone's career for fucking up? 0.99

01:53:58.000 It's one thing. 0.99

01:53:59.000 Here's the thing.

01:54:00.000 If she was not mentally ill, there was nothing wrong with her.

01:54:04.000 Like, say, if someone from... 0.66

01:54:07.000 Let's just pick a sitcom.

01:54:08.000 Big Bang Theory.

01:54:09.000 You know, let's say the guy from...

01:54:10.000 Is that on Stevie still?

01:54:12.000 What's on TV right now?

01:54:13.000 Stevie?

01:54:14.000 Stevie?

01:54:15.000 Is that a different type of TV? Yeah.

01:54:17.000 It's on CBS. What's a new one that's on TV? What's a new one?

01:54:21.000 Like, let's say...

01:54:22.000 All right.

01:54:23.000 Either one of these guys wants TV. They don't have any anymore.

01:54:24.000 They don't even have any anymore.

01:54:26.000 It's a Big Bang Theory song.

01:54:27.000 Oh, it is?

01:54:28.000 Okay.

01:54:28.000 Alright, Big Bang Theory.

01:54:29.000 Is a pretty blonde girl in the Big Bang Theory? 1.00

01:54:32.000 I don't know her name.

01:54:33.000 What if that girl gets on TV, or she gets on Twitter, and she says something totally racist, throws some n-bombs, and there's nothing wrong with her. 1.00

01:54:43.000 She's like, this is just how I feel. 1.00

01:54:45.000 And then they come after her and they go, well, fuck this bitch. 1.00

01:54:47.000 She shouldn't be on television. 1.00

01:54:49.000 She's racist. 1.00

01:54:50.000 She doesn't represent how America views people in 2018. She's archaic. 0.99

01:54:56.000 Get her off the fucking air. 1.00

01:54:57.000 You can't get away with this anymore. 1.00

01:54:59.000 This is the 1920s.

01:55:01.000 This is 2018. That would be acceptable.

01:55:04.000 I understand that.

01:55:05.000 If you found a real hateful person, she secretly has like a swastika tattoo somewhere. 0.99

01:55:09.000 She's an evil person. 1.00

01:55:11.000 This is not the case with Roseanne.

01:55:13.000 It's just not the case. 1.00

01:55:14.000 She's an older lady who's mentally disturbed and on a fucking host of competing medications for her consciousness. 1.00

01:55:22.000 Well, that should be the reason why... 0.99

01:55:24.000 She needs help, man.

01:55:25.000 Yeah, we gotta get her some help. 1.00

01:55:26.000 But it's a crazy thing.

01:55:28.000 It's like she was America's sweetheart just a couple of weeks ago.

01:55:30.000 I know. 1.00

01:55:31.000 And now fucking it's just hate. 0.99

01:55:32.000 That's how quickly. 1.00

01:55:33.000 Everybody hates her. 0.74

01:55:34.000 That's how quickly.

01:55:35.000 And people are calling me a racist for saying what I said right there.

01:55:38.000 This is not an unusual thing in our society.

01:55:42.000 This very much reminds me of the Salem witch hunt.

01:55:46.000 This is the same kind of thing.

01:55:47.000 A little bit, right?

01:55:48.000 It's like the Scarlet Letter.

01:55:49.000 How old is the Scarlet Letter?

01:55:51.000 And we're still doing that now.

01:55:52.000 McCarthyism.

01:55:53.000 Yeah.

01:55:53.000 This is something that we're prone to it.

01:55:56.000 Do you think it's because people are scared that they're going to get called out on it themselves?

01:56:00.000 So when they see someone who's doing something wrong, they go after them, attack them with everything they have to almost divert any sort of...

01:56:07.000 Because people are scared that people are going to turn on them.

01:56:09.000 Especially in this day and age, when people turn on people for...

01:56:11.000 You know the Garrison Keillor story?

01:56:13.000 He's the saddest story in this Me Too stuff because Garrison Keillor is a guy who had the Lake Wobegon Chronicles.

01:56:21.000 It's this PBS show.

01:56:22.000 It's a radio show.

01:56:23.000 It's ongoing for decades and he's a writer and he hugged a woman.

01:56:29.000 He was consoling her.

01:56:31.000 He hugged her and apparently while he was hugging her his arm went down her back on her back and And he apologized.

01:56:38.000 She pulled away.

01:56:39.000 He apologized.

01:56:40.000 He sent her a letter.

01:56:41.000 He apologized.

01:56:41.000 You know, he said, I'm sorry.

01:56:43.000 I didn't mean to do that.

01:56:44.000 She says, no worries.

01:56:45.000 Don't worry about it.

01:56:46.000 Years later, when all this Me Too frenzy, she brings this up.

01:56:50.000 He gets fired.

01:56:51.000 They pull his name off the show.

01:56:52.000 For touching a girl's back, it's like the frenzy was so hot. 1.00

01:56:57.000 They didn't want to be accused of not doing anything, so they pulled this guy.

01:57:00.000 I know.

01:57:02.000 You know, there's the worst side of it, right?

01:57:04.000 There's the Harvey Weinsteins of the world.

01:57:06.000 There's the people that are absolutely monsters, right?

01:57:09.000 There's those people.

01:57:10.000 But then there's people that just got caught up in the wave of outrage.

01:57:14.000 And it's a strange time.

01:57:18.000 There's no balance to it.

01:57:20.000 Well, the pendulum is going to swing.

01:57:22.000 We'll swing until our attitudes balance out.

01:57:26.000 I mean, the fact that the Me Too movement is not a bad thing because it's bringing up some serious issues that we've had in our society.

01:57:33.000 It's a good thing.

01:57:34.000 It's a great thing to happen.

01:57:35.000 But in the meantime, there's going to be collateral damage for that until we now get back to a time where we can, like, men will act like gentlemen.

01:57:43.000 We'll be able to have interpersonal relationships with women at work and in a setting and make it professional.

01:57:50.000 But at the same time, we also don't want a sterile environment.

01:57:52.000 When you go to these seminars, because even for our show now, because of all this, you have to have a sexual harassment meeting before you start.

01:57:59.000 Well, they had those in the 90s.

01:58:01.000 Exactly.

01:58:01.000 I went to those for Hardball, a show that I was on in 94. But one of the things they always say, because you can't define this, you know it when you see it.

01:58:10.000 Well, that's what they used to say about pornography. 0.95

01:58:12.000 But that's what we've lost, that ability to understand that.

01:58:16.000 Legally, that's not a good definition.

01:58:18.000 It's a problem.

01:58:19.000 But that is the definition.

01:58:21.000 It's the same thing that goes with oversensitivity.

01:58:23.000 I think that too.

01:58:24.000 We should know it when we see it.

01:58:26.000 And we're not recognizing that.

01:58:28.000 It's like, you know, you're acting, this is a bit much right now sometimes.

01:58:31.000 Did you hear about the two college kids that got drunk and had sex and the boy, upon waking up and sobering up, decided to preemptively accuse the girl of sexual assault because he was intoxicated?

01:58:43.000 So he filed and went after her.

01:58:46.000 She got suspended from school.

01:58:48.000 They had to do it because otherwise they would be sexist because they do it all the time if it's a boy and a girl. 0.65

01:58:54.000 It's always thought that if a boy...

01:58:56.000 Do you know the Occidental College story?

01:58:58.000 Mm-mm.

01:58:59.000 It's a pretty famous story from a few years back where these two kids, they were in college.

01:59:04.000 The guy texts the girl, you know, I'm coming over.

01:59:07.000 She's like, do you have condoms?

01:59:08.000 He says yes.

01:59:10.000 So clearly, intent has been established, right? 0.99

01:59:13.000 Goes over, has sex with her. 0.98

01:59:14.000 Her friends convince her because she was intoxicated that it was sex under the influence, so it was rape. 0.92

01:59:20.000 And so she goes to the university officials and they suspend the boy.

01:59:25.000 He sues and wins.

01:59:26.000 And the whole thing is chaos. 1.00

01:59:28.000 Because this kid gets kicked out of fucking school. 0.99

01:59:31.000 Actually, did he win? 1.00

01:59:33.000 I need to know if he won.

01:59:34.000 I think he did.

01:59:35.000 Yeah, let's fact check that.

01:59:37.000 Occidental.

01:59:38.000 But now you've got to even interact with them when you have to have a notary.

01:59:41.000 Well, that's what they're saying.

01:59:42.000 You've got to take a video I consent to.

01:59:44.000 So here's where it gets even screwier.

01:59:46.000 There was a real article the other day that was saying, is it physically possible for two people to simultaneously sexual assault each other? 0.98

01:59:54.000 And they're debating this in a college because they're trying to figure out if two people are both drunk and they get together and they're both sloppy and fucking hammered and they decide to have sex. 0.96

02:00:05.000 Do they both sexually assault each other? 0.99

02:00:07.000 Isn't this really about choices that we make?

02:00:11.000 Well, it's also about taking responsibility for your actions if you're an adult.

02:00:15.000 If you decide to get in your car and you're drunk and you plow into a bus and kill a bunch of people, no one says, oh, Eric was just drunk.

02:00:21.000 He is not responsible for his actions.

02:00:24.000 Yes.

02:00:45.000 But at the same time though, a girl or anyone should be allowed to be with her friends or with his friends and you get sloppy drunk.

02:00:57.000 And you're protected.

02:00:58.000 People take care of you.

02:00:59.000 It's not okay that somebody decided to go further with it.

02:01:03.000 Well, the most egregious case is obviously Cosby because that was his thing.

02:01:08.000 I mean, if he did do what everybody's accusing him of doing and we have no reason to think he didn't, He was taking people that thought of him as a mentor and thought that he was going to help their career.

02:01:18.000 And that was his hustle.

02:01:19.000 And he would just drug them. 1.00

02:01:21.000 And they'd wake up with their pussy sore and their fucking pants off and not knowing what happened and be super confused. 1.00

02:01:26.000 It's horrible. 1.00

02:01:27.000 I mean, that's the worst version of it.

02:01:30.000 That's the worst version of it.

02:01:31.000 But then it's like, you know...

02:01:33.000 This is one of those things that I'm saying.

02:01:35.000 It's hard to define.

02:01:36.000 There's no real definition.

02:01:38.000 You can't put it down in writing to say, this is what this is.

02:01:41.000 Because then you've got a situation where you're out on a date with someone.

02:01:45.000 Things are going well.

02:01:46.000 You think it's going well.

02:01:47.000 You get into bed.

02:01:48.000 And then that person, for whatever reason, decides, I think we should stop.

02:01:53.000 I don't want to do this anymore.

02:01:55.000 And that could be...

02:01:58.000 That could be on the same level as drugging somebody.

02:02:02.000 The Aziz Ansari case. 0.99

02:02:03.000 Or clubbing them on the head. 1.00

02:02:04.000 That girl writes that crazy fucking story. 1.00

02:02:06.000 The 5,000 word story. 1.00

02:02:08.000 That Aziz Ansari thing is just about him not being a gentleman.

02:02:12.000 Right.

02:02:12.000 That's all that was.

02:02:13.000 Not just that, but she was just grossed out by it and decided to go after him.

02:02:17.000 But, you know, I can understand being in a situation, like, you know, people got on the woman because they were like, you know, hey, you still blew him three times, right?

02:02:24.000 Yeah.

02:02:25.000 But I understand that being in a situation where you're like, you're, because this happened to me, all right?

02:02:30.000 I was at a comedy club, you know, I told this girl, this was years ago, I told this guy, I said, she was like, I'm coming back to your hotel.

02:02:38.000 Like, you know, I said, no, I don't think you should.

02:02:40.000 I didn't want to.

02:02:40.000 I wasn't like, I wasn't.

02:02:41.000 She forced herself on you? 0.98

02:02:43.000 It wasn't.

02:02:43.000 I mean, just explain.

02:02:44.000 Imagine if you were a girl.

02:02:46.000 That's where it gets really scary.

02:02:47.000 Oh, First of all, everything she's saying to me this whole night up to getting to my hotel, if I would have done that to a woman, it's assault, abuse, threatening from the jump.

02:02:58.000 You ever heard Ali Wong talk about this?

02:03:00.000 I mean, no, but this is what happened.

02:03:01.000 So I get, I say to her, I was like, I don't think, I wasn't really into her at the time.

02:03:06.000 I was like, I don't know if this is a good idea.

02:03:08.000 I think you should go home.

02:03:09.000 And then she's like, no, I'll walk you to your hotel.

02:03:12.000 Because we were hanging out, everybody's hanging out at this place after the Sunday night show.

02:03:17.000 I said, okay.

02:03:18.000 We get to the hotel.

02:03:19.000 I go, well, thanks for walking me, but I think you should probably, no. 1.00

02:03:22.000 I'm going to clean your dick with my mouth. 1.00

02:03:24.000 Yeah, you know, I was like, that's, you know, it's like, I'll give you a massage. 1.00

02:03:27.000 It was all this kind of stuff.

02:03:29.000 I'm like, I think you should go.

02:03:30.000 And then my ego kicks in because I'm like, well, you know, all right, you like me like this, okay.

02:03:34.000 So we get up, we finally get upstairs.

02:03:37.000 I still am like, maybe we shouldn't do this, you know?

02:03:40.000 And then she starts to like, oh, it's because you're not into me.

02:03:47.000 It's because I'm hideous or whatever. 1.00

02:03:49.000 So now I felt like, oh, I have to fuck her. 1.00

02:03:54.000 I felt like, I gotta do this. 1.00

02:03:57.000 It's like, I had to do this because I don't want to come across like I'm...

02:04:00.000 What I'm saying about...

02:04:01.000 The reason...

02:04:02.000 How I apply this to the Z situation is the fact that this girl is in a situation where she feels like, I guess I have to do this.

02:04:09.000 Like...

02:04:10.000 I may not want to do it.

02:04:11.000 I don't know.

02:04:11.000 We're speculating.

02:04:14.000 I've been in a situation where I didn't necessarily want to do it, but I felt like the social pressure of like, well, maybe I have to follow through with what I'm doing right now.

02:04:23.000 Yeah, no, I get it.

02:04:24.000 Yeah, that's definitely probably happening.

02:04:25.000 And then in the morning, I had to fly.

02:04:26.000 Well, not even in the morning.

02:04:27.000 I said, we're finished.

02:04:28.000 And I'm like, I said, hey, you know, you got to go because I got to pack.

02:04:31.000 And she started to cry.

02:04:33.000 Oh boy.

02:04:34.000 And I thought if this was happening now, this could be a situation.

02:04:38.000 It could easily be somebody, she could tell her story differently.

02:04:41.000 So we don't know.

02:04:42.000 That's why there's no rules.

02:04:44.000 What this lady did was she was aggressive and flirting and she wanted what she wanted and she got it, you know? 1.00

02:04:49.000 So that sometimes is okay depending on the person that you're dealing with.

02:04:53.000 But that same situation with someone else could be, no, this was horrible.

02:04:58.000 Right.

02:04:58.000 I felt intimidated.

02:05:01.000 It's all in how you interpret it.

02:05:04.000 Yeah, it's definitely...

02:05:06.000 It depends on who's talking and whether or not you're attracted to each other.

02:05:10.000 Here's a perfect example.

02:05:11.000 If you and your girlfriend decided to get drunk and your girlfriend was drunk and she called you up and said, come on over.

02:05:20.000 I'm horny. 1.00

02:05:20.000 I want you to fuck me. 1.00

02:05:21.000 If you went over and did it, you would, in some people's eyes, be guilty of sexual assault because she was drunk and she couldn't consent. 1.00

02:05:29.000 And this is why I've never done that, by the way.

02:05:31.000 One of my ex-girlfriends was like that. 1.00

02:05:33.000 She wanted to get drunk.

02:05:34.000 Really? 0.99

02:05:35.000 She was like, I just want to have sex when I'm drunk. 0.99

02:05:37.000 I just couldn't do it. 0.92

02:05:38.000 Wow, because you were nervous about it?

02:05:40.000 It was just me personally.

02:05:42.000 I don't drink.

02:05:44.000 Oh, you don't drink at all?

02:05:44.000 I don't drink at all.

02:05:45.000 So I always felt like if I'm not drinking, it just feels like what if she says she wants to do something that she doesn't normally want to do? 0.98

02:05:54.000 And then she's going to get sober and be like, why did you do that to my butthole? 1.00

02:05:57.000 Or whatever. 0.99

02:05:59.000 You know what I mean?

02:06:00.000 And you're like, well, but you said...

02:06:02.000 Because it'll always come back to, well, you know, I was drunk.

02:06:05.000 And I didn't really mean...

02:06:06.000 Then I'm like, okay, I don't want to be the choice maker in that situation.

02:06:09.000 Well, that's the best thing about not drinking, right?

02:06:11.000 In that situation, if you don't drink, you never have to think like that.

02:06:15.000 But that's why sometimes I don't want to hang out with people that are like...

02:06:21.000 Right. 1.00

02:06:22.000 Dumb, drunk. 1.00

02:06:22.000 You're out. 1.00

02:06:23.000 Then I become responsible?

02:06:25.000 Oh, well, it's the worst when you're sober.

02:06:26.000 Yeah, it's like, whoa, I don't want to deal with this. 1.00

02:06:28.000 Because their behavior is so fucking gross. 1.00

02:06:31.000 Gross! 1.00

02:06:31.000 Yeah. 1.00

02:06:32.000 You know, then you see your friend, especially if you have, like, a female friend.

02:06:34.000 You're not like that with them.

02:06:36.000 Right.

02:06:37.000 But then you're out, and then she's, you know, her skirt's coming up, and you see the creepy guy.

02:06:42.000 You see the guy and she's like, how are the guy with this?

02:06:44.000 And you're like, oh man, what do I do right now?

02:06:46.000 Like if I don't stop her from going and then something happens that she doesn't want to happen, what if you do stop her? 1.00

02:06:51.000 And she's like, you're a fucking hater. 1.00

02:06:52.000 I love him. 1.00

02:06:54.000 He's so cute.

02:06:55.000 And we are going to have an amazing time. 1.00

02:06:58.000 And you fucking hate her. 1.00

02:07:01.000 All this Harvey Weinstein and all this kind of shit, it's set ugly dudes back like 20 years. 1.00

02:07:07.000 All my advances that I've made with Hot Chicks has just been like, I'm so glad I have a girlfriend during this time. 1.00

02:07:14.000 But you're not in a position of power.

02:07:14.000 Here's the thing.

02:07:14.000 It's not about ugly.

02:07:15.000 It's about Harvey Weinstein being in control of a studio.

02:07:19.000 Exactly. 1.00

02:07:20.000 And scaring all those girls into fucking him and allegedly raping some of them. 1.00

02:07:23.000 You know? 1.00

02:07:24.000 I mean, I don't know what he did or didn't do, but he definitely did a lot of shit. 0.99

02:07:27.000 I just wish that a lot of these people would... 0.99

02:07:29.000 Maybe now people will have the courage to like...

02:07:33.000 Come out.

02:07:34.000 Because it sucks to hear about like, you know, this happened to Angelina Jolie.

02:07:38.000 And then like, oh, so then she, there was a certain time when she was like, The most famous woman in Hollywood.

02:07:44.000 And she didn't say anything.

02:07:46.000 Well, they were worried about being blackballed. 0.98

02:07:48.000 I know, it sucks that we live in a culture.

02:07:50.000 So maybe that's why some innocent people are getting caught in the crossfire.

02:07:55.000 So we can obliterate this sort of behavior and attitude from our culture.

02:08:00.000 But in the meantime, while we're going through this, there's going to be some keelers and there's going to be some people that are going to get caught in the crossfire. 0.94

02:08:06.000 Did you ever drink?

02:08:07.000 No.

02:08:08.000 Never?

02:08:08.000 No, no, no.

02:08:09.000 I never wanted to.

02:08:11.000 When I was in high school, I had friends who would drink and stuff, and I didn't like to taste.

02:08:16.000 I had half a beer at a party one time, and I was like, what?

02:08:20.000 This is disgusting.

02:08:21.000 And then it was, you know what really decided it for me?

02:08:25.000 It was like the 1999-2000 New Year's, like going into Y2K. Going into that, I was at a party that I was like, I never want to be like this.

02:08:36.000 People were hammered.

02:08:37.000 Just...

02:08:37.000 That was a weird one, right?

02:08:38.000 Everybody was super drunk on Y2K. They thought it was the end.

02:08:41.000 They thought it was the end of the world.

02:08:42.000 The power was going to shut off forever.

02:08:44.000 Dude, I was taking care of somebody's baby.

02:08:46.000 What?

02:08:46.000 You know, yeah.

02:08:47.000 What?

02:08:48.000 Because that's what...

02:08:48.000 At this party, I had a baby.

02:08:50.000 Who the fuck gave you a baby? 1.00

02:08:51.000 No, I was taking care- because they were drunk! 1.00

02:08:54.000 Wait a minute.

02:08:55.000 I was at a party.

02:08:55.000 They got drunk and left you with their baby?

02:08:57.000 I had the baby.

02:08:59.000 Come on.

02:08:59.000 Yeah, it was a crazy party.

02:09:00.000 Who the fuck are these people with a baby? 1.00

02:09:02.000 And the husband, he's- That poor kid is 18 years old now, confused as fuck. 1.00

02:09:07.000 Eric Griffin was babysitting me back in 2000. Yeah, I was babysitting a baby. 0.99

02:09:10.000 I'm taking care of people.

02:09:12.000 You hear these stories about people die because they're choking on their own vomit.

02:09:17.000 So there's people that are passed out like this.

02:09:21.000 So I gotta turn people to their side.

02:09:23.000 And I said, I never want to be like this.

02:09:25.000 You were turning people into holding a baby?

02:09:28.000 And holding a baby.

02:09:28.000 It was the worst.

02:09:29.000 It was a shithole party, man. 0.99

02:09:31.000 You got invited. 0.99

02:09:32.000 I got invited.

02:09:33.000 I went.

02:09:33.000 These were some of my friends.

02:09:34.000 I was the wolf in this shit, dude. 1.00

02:09:37.000 I was the wolf. 1.00

02:09:38.000 So if you're having a party and you think it's going to get crazy, you call Eric Griffin and I'm going to come.

02:09:43.000 I'm the wolf.

02:09:44.000 That's the craziest party I've ever heard of.

02:09:45.000 So after that, I knew I didn't want to.

02:09:47.000 So I recently, I went with a buddy of mine on vacation, you know?

02:09:51.000 And when we went, that deal was, he was like, come on, man, you got to have some drinks.

02:09:55.000 So I had like a banana daiquiri on a, you know, and I was like, this is okay.

02:10:00.000 And then I had, you know, when you go to like, you're on a resort vacation, there always be like a special at the bar.

02:10:06.000 You know, like, hey, have today's drink.

02:10:08.000 I said, I'll try it.

02:10:09.000 I had like 15% of that thing and I was...

02:10:13.000 Loopy. 1.00

02:10:14.000 Yeah, I was ready to, you know, tweet racist shit. 1.00

02:10:21.000 So I was like, nah, nah. 1.00

02:10:24.000 What about weed?

02:10:25.000 No weed either.

02:10:26.000 Never?

02:10:27.000 Never.

02:10:28.000 My current girlfriend, she loves weed. 1.00

02:10:30.000 So I tried one time.

02:10:32.000 Yeah, did you get nervous?

02:10:33.000 Yeah, I was like, I don't like this.

02:10:34.000 I was like, how do you, I can't be like this.

02:10:37.000 You know, so that's why I do.

02:10:39.000 If I didn't have, Joe, if I didn't have comedy.

02:10:42.000 What would you do?

02:10:43.000 I'd be a crazy person. 1.00

02:10:44.000 Well, you're a crazy person now. 0.99

02:10:45.000 You're just calming it down with comedy. 1.00

02:10:47.000 But you're a good crazy person.

02:10:49.000 You're a very nice guy. 0.98

02:10:50.000 I legit need comedy.

02:10:52.000 This sounds like one of those cliche type of things, but I rely on it.

02:10:56.000 I go to therapy, you know?

02:10:57.000 I go to therapy, and it's been great for me.

02:10:59.000 You know, it's really been great.

02:11:00.000 I love going to therapy.

02:11:00.000 I love, because I feel like I can talk to somebody and then intellectualize things on a level that, like, you can't necessarily do with regular people, and I'm not judged.

02:11:08.000 Someone who understands human nature.

02:11:09.000 Someone who understands.

02:11:10.000 Yes!

02:11:11.000 Yes!

02:11:11.000 And they can go over why you did this or what was the insecurity that triggered that?

02:11:17.000 Boom! 0.99

02:11:18.000 And I've learned things about myself.

02:11:21.000 I was the only child, single mom.

02:11:24.000 So there's all these things I've learned about why I interact with my girlfriend the way I do because of my mom and my friendships and why I get angry about certain things.

02:11:35.000 It applies to things on stage.

02:11:37.000 Yeah.

02:11:38.000 So I'm really, why I have so many of these types of relationships in my life where people are needy.

02:11:44.000 I find myself being the one that's trying to help.

02:11:47.000 I don't have a lot of equal relationships.

02:11:49.000 I learned all these things.

02:11:50.000 Well, you probably felt vulnerable as a kid, and when you see vulnerable people, you want to help them because you can relate.

02:11:55.000 And my mom, too.

02:11:56.000 My mom went through a lot to get to the States. 0.98

02:11:58.000 She was from Belize, Central America, and just coming here and hearing her stories and having to be somebody to take...

02:12:06.000 I was 15 years old having to take care of my mom.

02:12:10.000 Her emotions were...

02:12:11.000 And so then that had an effect on me.

02:12:14.000 But I didn't learn this until I was able to go talk to a professional.

02:12:17.000 Are you close to your dad?

02:12:18.000 I never met my dad.

02:12:20.000 Wow.

02:12:20.000 Single parent, you never met my dad.

02:12:22.000 So thanks for bringing that up.

02:12:24.000 I don't know mine either.

02:12:26.000 Mine's name is Joe Rogan. 0.99

02:12:28.000 Shit, he's out there someplace. 1.00

02:12:30.000 Yeah, he's out there. 1.00

02:12:30.000 Yeah, I've never met my dad. 1.00

02:12:32.000 And then I thought people...

02:12:34.000 Did you ever want to meet your dad?

02:12:35.000 Did you ever...

02:12:36.000 See, you know what's funny?

02:12:37.000 I mean, I met him.

02:12:38.000 I knew him until I was like six.

02:12:39.000 Oh, that's worse.

02:12:40.000 I never knew.

02:12:41.000 So I think that that's... 0.82

02:12:42.000 If you know him a little bit and then they're gone, that sucks.

02:12:45.000 The good thing is it made me realize that you can't count on people, but you can count on some people.

02:12:51.000 Then that's trust issues, man!

02:12:52.000 That's trust issues right there!

02:12:54.000 But become someone that people count on and count on people.

02:12:58.000 That's what you do.

02:12:59.000 I have a tight group of friends.

02:13:00.000 Me and my friends are very close.

02:13:03.000 I get it.

02:13:03.000 I would do anything for my friends.

02:13:05.000 And family, too.

02:13:06.000 See, there's a certain level of loyalty that I have because of that, too.

02:13:10.000 Because of that.

02:13:10.000 Yeah, well, you understand it.

02:13:12.000 Whereas someone who grows up in a big household filled with people and the family was always there and everyone was there, you might take people for granted a little bit. 0.95

02:13:20.000 Whereas, for me, camaraderie and closeness and all that, that shit means a lot to me. 0.97

02:13:25.000 It's very, very important. 0.97

02:13:26.000 I remember asking my mom about my dad when I was like, I don't know, 17, 18. And she got really offended.

02:13:33.000 She was like, I raised you!

02:13:35.000 And that made me think, I was like, but women have their secrets. 1.00

02:13:39.000 They have their things.

02:13:40.000 And I didn't want her to...

02:13:40.000 I don't begrudge her.

02:13:42.000 You want to pry.

02:13:42.000 I didn't want to pry, and I didn't want to find out...

02:13:44.000 Maybe he wanted to be in my life, but my mom was like, no.

02:13:47.000 Who knows?

02:13:48.000 She could have been vindictive like that, but I don't know.

02:13:51.000 But I didn't hold it against her.

02:13:52.000 But she told me his name.

02:13:54.000 And she was like, if you want to do this on your own, you know that kind of thing?

02:13:57.000 And I had the name for like a week, and then I forgot it.

02:14:02.000 And that told me that it didn't matter.

02:14:05.000 So ever since, I never worried about it.

02:14:07.000 Good for you.

02:14:08.000 There's some people that it bothers them for their whole life.

02:14:12.000 I'll tell you one thing that'll happen though.

02:14:13.000 When you have kids, you're bond with your kids.

02:14:17.000 I would assume that everyone's bond with their children is very tight because it's an unbelievable love connection that you have with children.

02:14:27.000 Like true unconditional love.

02:14:29.000 It's not just true unconditional.

02:14:30.000 It's like they're a drug.

02:14:31.000 Like, they give you love to the point where, like, my daughter, my youngest, we were playing the other day in the pool, and there was a point in time we were just laughing about something together, just laughing, and I'm looking at her face, and she's laughing, and I felt like I was on drugs.

02:14:45.000 I was like, the love that I have for these people, it's so intense.

02:14:50.000 It's...

02:14:51.000 And it's also, I didn't get that when I was a kid.

02:14:54.000 I know exactly what you're saying, man.

02:14:57.000 My parents, my mom worked, my stepdad was a really good guy, but no one was ever around.

02:15:02.000 And when they were done working, everybody was tired.

02:15:06.000 I was a latchkey kid.

02:15:08.000 When I was like seven years old, I lived in San Francisco.

02:15:11.000 I would go out and do a magic show on Fisherman's Wharf by myself.

02:15:14.000 Just wander around the city.

02:15:16.000 They would open the door, you'd just leave.

02:15:17.000 Seven.

02:15:17.000 I can't imagine that.

02:15:18.000 I spent a lot of time by myself too because my mom was working and by herself.

02:15:23.000 Trying to make sure that I had a good life.

02:15:26.000 So I was just by myself. 1.00

02:15:28.000 Eric, if you have kids with this young lady or another young lady, your connection with that kid will be, it'll blow your fucking mind. 1.00

02:15:35.000 It'll change who you are. 0.99

02:15:36.000 I feel like that's what I've been lacking.

02:15:37.000 That's why I've been more open to, you know, thinking about these kinds of things.

02:15:42.000 You seem like a dad.

02:15:43.000 Yeah.

02:15:44.000 I'm picturing you a dad right now.

02:15:46.000 But my whole life I've been like, you know, I've been at that role for so many people in my life.

02:15:50.000 Right.

02:15:50.000 You were holding a baby and turning over drunks.

02:15:52.000 Yeah.

02:15:52.000 Yeah, man.

02:15:53.000 I've been taking care of people my whole life, man.

02:15:57.000 It's crazy.

02:15:58.000 So that's why I always feel like one of my best friends in the world is someone that I've had to take care of.

02:16:04.000 He's had a little drinking problem.

02:16:06.000 But I've been there the whole time.

02:16:08.000 And even though people would be like, you have to let them hit rock bottom.

02:16:14.000 But I'm just not like that.

02:16:16.000 Yeah, I've been through that too.

02:16:17.000 I had a very good friend of mine.

02:16:18.000 He's my best friend who died of heroin. 0.99

02:16:21.000 And he was always fucked up. 0.99

02:16:26.000 There was always something. 1.00

02:16:27.000 He had a crack problem for a while, and then he got on pills, and he was either snorting it.

02:16:34.000 Artie Lange very much reminds me of this guy, and Joey Diaz did a little bit, too.

02:16:39.000 When I first met Joey, it was right after my friend Johnny.

02:16:43.000 Well, it was right before Johnny had died.

02:16:45.000 Johnny was still alive, but I had known people like Joey because of my friend Johnny.

02:16:51.000 You know, it's just I always was there for him.

02:16:54.000 I was always trying to take care of him.

02:16:55.000 I was always trying to help him, but it was just he was always There was always something going wrong and it never and but there was these brief moments man where he'd be fine and we'd be laughing and we'd have the best time and that's why you fight for it It's those times because I was always I was always thinking that one day he was gonna get it together and I had the same thing with my friend.

02:17:15.000 It's still going on with me right now.

02:17:16.000 It's like, you know, when you deal with someone that deals with depression, real depression, you know?

02:17:22.000 Lost his mother and how that affected his whole life.

02:17:26.000 And it's like, so I'm there and he's younger than me.

02:17:28.000 So I feel this mentorship and I just feel like a loyalty that I just can't shake.

02:17:33.000 And I know when I go to therapy, I want to ask, why am I this way?

02:17:40.000 And then I realized that comedy has been dampering my own depressions or my own feelings because I feel like I'm dealing with it in some way.

02:17:49.000 So sometimes I go and talk about things and I talk about things in a way I just no holds barred because I want to get this out.

02:17:56.000 I feel like this.

02:17:58.000 If I don't like something and then combine that with we live in a society right now where people don't want to necessarily hear an opinion that is not theirs.

02:18:07.000 Well, there's definitely a little of that, right?

02:18:09.000 And so then, therefore, we get this, like, it becomes, it's tougher and tougher to do what we do, but it's not going to stop me from doing it.

02:18:15.000 But it's sweeter and sweeter when you pull it off, you know? 0.99

02:18:19.000 Especially if you pull off some controversial shit. 0.99

02:18:21.000 You just got to navigate the waters a little bit. 0.99

02:18:23.000 That's exactly what I feel like I've been doing.

02:18:26.000 I think I did it with this special.

02:18:28.000 I think I tried to talk about things in a way where I was like, okay, you may not agree, but you don't have to vilify me.

02:18:34.000 You know, you don't have to like, you know, you know, but anyway, it all goes back to like, you know, like who we are as people because of like our parents, you know, you know, and it's like I love my mom.

02:18:44.000 I love my stepdad.

02:18:45.000 Stepdad's a great guy.

02:18:46.000 I'm glad he's in my mom's life.

02:18:48.000 You know, they're off in Spain right now.

02:18:49.000 They moved to Spain like a like I say, like a year and a half ago.

02:18:52.000 And so they're there, you know, and I'm happy that she's happy in the later part of her life.

02:18:57.000 That's awesome.

02:18:57.000 You know?

02:18:58.000 Yeah.

02:18:59.000 I mean, look, man, at the end of the day, it should be just about enjoying this experience.

02:19:04.000 Just having time with people you care about and enjoying it.

02:19:07.000 And it's hard to figure out what...

02:19:09.000 I mean, we're very, very fortunate in a lot of ways.

02:19:12.000 But one of the big ones is that you and I found comedy.

02:19:15.000 Yes.

02:19:15.000 Can you imagine?

02:19:16.000 I mean, don't you look at other people sometimes and go, how the fuck do they live without telling jokes? 0.99

02:19:20.000 Dude. 1.00

02:19:21.000 How do they live without killing?

02:19:22.000 Dude. 1.00

02:19:25.000 When I see some bullshit happen on TV, I go, that guy needs to go do an open mic set. 0.99

02:19:29.000 You know, you need to go get that out, man. 0.99

02:19:31.000 Go get that out.

02:19:32.000 Well, you know that feeling that you get, like, Friday night in the OR, you just smash!

02:19:37.000 And you get off stage, you're like, tell me there's a better feeling out there.

02:19:41.000 Because whatever I was feeling, it all goes away.

02:19:43.000 Yeah.

02:19:44.000 But that's why I feel like I do think, though, that sometimes we're putting a damper on it, and it doesn't necessarily go away, but we've found another outlet to get it out.

02:19:52.000 Well, you just got a little happy pill.

02:19:54.000 It's intoxicating, man.

02:19:54.000 You're taking a little happy pill.

02:19:56.000 Yeah.

02:19:56.000 But, you know, there's happiness in all sorts of things that you enjoy doing.

02:20:00.000 I try to fill my life up with activities that I enjoy doing.

02:20:05.000 But family's a big one, too, man.

02:20:07.000 Family is...

02:20:09.000 It's a different thing, man.

02:20:11.000 It changes you.

02:20:12.000 I have all daughters.

02:20:14.000 My house is so feminine. 0.94

02:20:17.000 Everything's female. 1.00

02:20:18.000 I mean, I talked about it on my special, about the Bruce Jenner thing, about my last special, the one before this one. 0.99

02:20:26.000 It's just that if you live with crazy bitches long enough, eventually you become one. 1.00

02:20:30.000 But it's like... 1.00

02:20:32.000 I am becoming more in touch.

02:20:36.000 You're the more feminine version of yourself? 1.00

02:20:37.000 Oh my god, I'm so much more feminine than I've ever been, ever.

02:20:41.000 So much more in tune with how girls think, so much more tolerant of nonsense talk. 0.99

02:20:47.000 Because when your kids are talking nonsense talk, it's just different. 1.00

02:20:50.000 But you realize, if I'm around women when they're talking together and I'm an observer and I watch them, they just talk about different shit, man. 1.00

02:21:02.000 As we've just talked about different shit for like two hours. 0.98

02:21:05.000 Yeah, but if you like try to interject and go, hey, hey, hey, did you guys see that bare knuckle boxing fight? 0.99

02:21:10.000 That was fucking awesome. 1.00

02:21:11.000 Like, ugh, let's get away from this idiot. 1.00

02:21:14.000 Like for them, what you're interested in is stupid. 1.00

02:21:17.000 And for them, you know, they want to talk about whatever the fuck they want to talk about that they're into at the moment, whether it's shoes or the royal wedding or whatever the fuck it is. 1.00

02:21:24.000 Relationships have been in a relationship for this long now has taught me patience. 0.99

02:21:28.000 Patience.

02:21:29.000 It's taught me patience.

02:21:30.000 It's taught me that to accept the double standard, that things aren't supposed to necessarily be equal, that they're supposed to be...

02:21:38.000 I always think that it's like one of those scales, you know?

02:21:41.000 And you put stuff in the scale on this side, and she puts different things, but that's how you balance out.

02:21:47.000 But they don't have to be the same thing.

02:21:49.000 You know?

02:21:50.000 People don't give love in the same way.

02:21:52.000 Right.

02:21:52.000 So you shouldn't expect it to be the way you give it.

02:21:56.000 But that becomes a problem.

02:21:57.000 You know?

02:21:58.000 That becomes a problem.

02:21:59.000 I had a girlfriend once that she didn't express love in a way that was like hugging and she didn't want to do it that way.

02:22:04.000 She wasn't affectionate? 0.93

02:22:05.000 She wasn't affectionate. 0.89

02:22:06.000 She was like, she'd buy me a TV or something.

02:22:08.000 You know?

02:22:12.000 That's so weird.

02:22:13.000 And I understood, though, because it was because her family wasn't like that.

02:22:16.000 Her family wasn't hugging.

02:22:17.000 They weren't hugging people, but I was.

02:22:19.000 Do you feel sad for people like that?

02:22:20.000 Yes, I do.

02:22:22.000 Because we need human interaction.

02:22:23.000 We need the connection.

02:22:25.000 We need to feel.

02:22:27.000 We need to feel that.

02:22:29.000 And we also need smiles.

02:22:30.000 We need smiles from people.

02:22:32.000 I always tell my girlfriend, you're the most beautiful when you're just happy and smiling.

02:22:36.000 Because the moment she isn't, it's like, what did I do?

02:22:41.000 That's half of her relationship.

02:22:43.000 I know!

02:22:43.000 Just wondering what you did and wondering if she's mad.

02:22:46.000 Is she mad when I do?

02:22:48.000 How about this?

02:22:48.000 I know she's mad.

02:22:49.000 What did I do?

02:22:51.000 Or what did she think I did?

02:22:53.000 Preemptive.

02:22:53.000 Yes.

02:22:53.000 Like, if I do that, will she get mad?

02:22:55.000 Oh my god!

02:22:56.000 How do I know?

02:22:56.000 It's like a...

02:22:59.000 It's like a DaVinci code, man.

02:23:01.000 We're just trying to figure out.

02:23:02.000 That's what I'm learning with her.

02:23:03.000 But I remember I was with a girl that I was dating at the time.

02:23:07.000 I was in my 20s.

02:23:08.000 I was very young at the time.

02:23:10.000 And I was with a couple of my buddies.

02:23:12.000 And we were talking.

02:23:14.000 And this guy was bringing up that this guy was having some crazy problem with his girlfriend.

02:23:20.000 And I said, oh, yeah.

02:23:21.000 I go, she's... 0.99

02:23:23.000 I go, she's crazy. 0.99

02:23:24.000 Em, here's the problem. 1.00

02:23:26.000 He don't want to get rid of her because she's fucking hot. 1.00

02:23:28.000 And I go, she's like, what was that girl from Real Housewives? 0.98

02:23:32.000 Not Real Housewives. 0.75

02:23:33.000 Desperate Housewives.

02:23:35.000 Terry...

02:23:36.000 What?

02:23:36.000 Terry Hatcher.

02:23:37.000 Terry Hatcher. 0.98

02:23:38.000 This was back, like, she was in one of those fucking movies, one of those summer movies way back in the day. 0.97

02:23:46.000 You know, Terry Hatcher's a few years older than me. 0.96

02:23:48.000 So this was like, well, I'm talking, this conversation took place in the 90s.

02:23:52.000 So I think the way I described it then, I said, like, a young Terry Hatcher.

02:23:59.000 And this girl got so mad at me. 1.00

02:24:02.000 She got so mad at me that I used Terry Hatcher, a young Terry Hatcher, to describe beauty. 0.97

02:24:08.000 And I remember sitting there going, what? 1.00

02:24:12.000 You're such an asshole. 1.00

02:24:15.000 And I'm like, what did I do? 1.00

02:24:16.000 I was talking about this guy's got a girlfriend who's hot. 0.65

02:24:19.000 She's hot like a young Terry Hatcher. 1.00

02:24:21.000 There she is.

02:24:23.000 Oh, yeah. 1.00

02:24:24.000 Dude, she was stupid hot. 1.00

02:24:26.000 Like, confusing hot. 1.00

02:24:28.000 But she was in, like, some movie where I forget... 0.98

02:24:33.000 What the fuck the premise of the movie was, but there was a guy in the movie that couldn't deal with the fact that she was so hot and confused. 0.96

02:24:42.000 Anyway, my point is, I didn't get it. 0.99

02:24:47.000 I was like, what did I do wrong?

02:24:48.000 Of course.

02:24:48.000 She was mad that I didn't use her as an example of someone really hot.

02:24:52.000 Oh, God.

02:24:54.000 But she was mad.

02:24:55.000 You know what?

02:24:55.000 Sometimes I know now.

02:24:57.000 See, here's a problem.

02:24:58.000 As comics, we like to think in logical ways, but we also like to analyze things.

02:25:06.000 So she asks, if I feel ugly, you have to know at that moment, oh, is she fishing for me to say compliments?

02:25:17.000 Or if she just woke up and Sometimes you have to just be like, oh, you look so great today.

02:25:24.000 I think you've got to preemptively just throw those in there. 0.99

02:25:27.000 Just fucking decorate the plate with parsley. 0.97

02:25:30.000 And here's the thing, though. 0.99

02:25:33.000 And you know what's weird?

02:25:34.000 She knows you don't believe it at this particular time.

02:25:38.000 You don't think she's beautiful? 0.72

02:25:39.000 No, no, no, no, no.

02:25:40.000 Don't say it on the air. 1.00

02:25:41.000 You fucked up, dude. 1.00

02:25:41.000 No, I'm saying she's going to know now. 1.00

02:25:43.000 I heard you on the podcast with Joe Rogan.

02:25:45.000 No, I'm talking about... 1.00

02:25:45.000 Don't fucking bullshit me. 1.00

02:25:47.000 I think they know when they just need it. 1.00

02:25:50.000 And they know you know.

02:25:51.000 They want you to know that they just need this right now.

02:25:55.000 Whether you want to or not.

02:25:57.000 They just know.

02:25:58.000 They know that.

02:25:59.000 And then that's what they're really connected to.

02:26:01.000 Oh, he's doing that thing for me.

02:26:06.000 That's all that it is.

02:26:07.000 Do this for me. 1.00

02:26:08.000 And some girls don't need that shit at all. 1.00

02:26:10.000 Some girls just don't need it. 1.00

02:26:12.000 They're like, hey, save that stupid shit. 1.00

02:26:14.000 Those are the ones that need something else. 1.00

02:26:17.000 Those girls are like, you save that. 1.00

02:26:19.000 You save that and get that dick ready. 0.98

02:26:23.000 Yeah, it's been, you know, dating a girl in her 20s is, you know, that's why I had to start doing boxing because I'm not 15. Right, you gotta get fit. 0.99

02:26:32.000 Yeah, I gotta like, you know, I'm like, the things I have to do, I have to like work magic, you know what I mean?

02:26:37.000 Yeah, man, because in a few years...

02:26:40.000 I mean, that's the thing.

02:26:41.000 There's a definite deterioration of your physical being as you get into your 40s.

02:26:45.000 Yeah.

02:26:46.000 If you don't keep up.

02:26:47.000 The thing is, though, if you keep up.

02:26:48.000 No, I'm not.

02:26:49.000 Look at me.

02:26:50.000 I'm a comfortable, fun, cuddly guy, but I got to get there.

02:26:54.000 I put on weights.

02:26:56.000 I walk by a donut shop and I'll gain like two pounds.

02:26:59.000 What do you eat?

02:27:00.000 I just eat horrible. 0.96

02:27:01.000 You eat horrible?

02:27:02.000 Yeah, that's the thing.

02:27:03.000 Yeah, so your diet's not good.

02:27:04.000 I gotta get that dieting gear.

02:27:06.000 But I don't mind eating well, though.

02:27:08.000 My problem is this.

02:27:09.000 If it's in front of my plate, if it's on my plate, I'll eat it.

02:27:12.000 So I have to...

02:27:14.000 Cut down on what's on my plate.

02:27:16.000 Well, when I met you, you were thinner.

02:27:18.000 Yeah, but my weight has always fluctuated.

02:27:20.000 You know why?

02:27:20.000 I remember this.

02:27:21.000 I'll never forget this.

02:27:22.000 Our good friend, Ari Shafir, I'm in the hallway at the comedy store. 0.99

02:27:26.000 I just got back from the Middle East, so I was eating like a fucking Arab prince over there. 1.00

02:27:30.000 Just a fat fuck when I came back. 1.00

02:27:33.000 I'm in mid-conversation with Ari, and in conversation, he leans over and he grabs my cheek and I'm talking about... 1.00

02:27:44.000 He grabs my cheek and he goes like this.

02:27:47.000 He squeezes it and he goes, hey, what's going on?

02:27:51.000 Let me tell you something.

02:27:52.000 Let me tell you something.

02:27:54.000 I went to the gym the next day, and I signed up with a personal trainer. 0.97

02:28:00.000 Like, that next day, because the way he did it, I was like, oh shit, it was like I forgot.

02:28:05.000 So I had to just get back to it. 0.95

02:28:07.000 I'd just been comfortable.

02:28:08.000 Well, he's a comic.

02:28:09.000 Yeah.

02:28:09.000 You know, he saw vulnerability.

02:28:11.000 Oh, yeah, yeah, and he attacked it like the devil that he is.

02:28:16.000 Yeah, just hire a trainer. 0.83

02:28:17.000 But the thing is, man...

02:28:18.000 I'm doing the boxing, man.

02:28:19.000 I just started the boxing.

02:28:20.000 You can get someone to do meal plans for you.

02:28:23.000 I know.

02:28:24.000 That's the next thing.

02:28:24.000 There's a bunch of those companies that'll make you healthy meals.

02:28:27.000 Just send them.

02:28:27.000 Yeah, you keep them in the fridge.

02:28:29.000 See, I want to just do it.

02:28:31.000 I know I can.

02:28:32.000 Because I've done it before.

02:28:33.000 On your own?

02:28:33.000 Yeah, I was vegan for a year.

02:28:35.000 You know?

02:28:36.000 Because I did it.

02:28:37.000 Oh my God, I was...

02:28:38.000 Crazy, but you know what messed me up?

02:28:40.000 At the end of the year, I did that master cleanse.

02:28:43.000 What's a master cleanse?

02:28:44.000 Remember the master cleanse with cayenne pepper and a maple syrup?

02:28:50.000 That's all you ate for a week?

02:28:51.000 Okay. 1.00

02:28:52.000 Okay, that shit. 1.00

02:28:54.000 I did it for, you're supposed to do it for 10 days. 1.00

02:28:56.000 I got to day five.

02:28:57.000 Then the two days of, you had to let your body get used to having salad and soup, and then I had a fat burger.

02:29:03.000 I went from not eating meat for a year.

02:29:06.000 But you know what I learned from being vegan for a year?

02:29:08.000 Is that the meat is not necessarily the main course.

02:29:11.000 It's just a side dish with everything else.

02:29:14.000 So if you have a good thing of broccoli, a good thing of corn, a good thing of mushrooms, and then you have a good thing of steak.

02:29:20.000 You don't have to have the steak.

02:29:22.000 You can have some great side dishes.

02:29:25.000 Okay.

02:29:25.000 Well, there's a lot of people that eat carnivore diet now.

02:29:27.000 There's a lot of people that are eating just meat.

02:29:30.000 Very interesting.

02:29:30.000 I think it's losing a lot of weight.

02:29:32.000 Isn't it all about moderation, man?

02:29:33.000 I don't know.

02:29:34.000 You don't even know?

02:29:35.000 It's different for different people.

02:29:36.000 But you work out.

02:29:37.000 You're a workout guy.

02:29:38.000 I work out a lot.

02:29:40.000 You got monkey bars out there.

02:29:41.000 I've been working out twice a day.

02:29:43.000 Well, there you go.

02:29:44.000 My main thing is one hard workout a day and one less hard workout a day.

02:29:49.000 Now, if you think if you didn't do that, that you'd physically change?

02:29:54.000 Yeah, I would diminish.

02:29:56.000 For sure.

02:29:56.000 Because when I take time off, if I take time off, I notice diminishing.

02:30:01.000 But also, let's say...

02:30:05.000 A proper average health or even above average health is here.

02:30:10.000 Maybe what you're doing brings you up here.

02:30:13.000 So that diminishing you're talking about is just going to bring you to a more average normal level but still in great shape.

02:30:19.000 Maybe you're overdoing it.

02:30:21.000 I'm just wondering.

02:30:22.000 I'm asking actually.

02:30:22.000 I'm definitely not overdoing it because I monitor everything.

02:30:24.000 I'm making sure that my...

02:30:25.000 Health is good and my body's in good shape.

02:30:28.000 But I just know that if you don't use it, you lose it.

02:30:31.000 There's just a fact to that.

02:30:32.000 And when I say a workout twice a day, what it means is usually I'll do yoga during the day and then at night I'll lift some weights.

02:30:38.000 Or I'll run the hills and then at night I'll lift some weights.

02:30:42.000 You're not doing a Navy SEAL workout twice a day.

02:30:44.000 No, no, no.

02:30:44.000 One of the workouts is pretty calm.

02:30:47.000 The weightlifting workouts are almost always pretty calm.

02:30:49.000 Unless I'm doing a cardio kettlebell workout or something intense.

02:30:53.000 At this gym, you could do the boxing.

02:30:55.000 And then on other days, you can do weight training, active weights, and that kind of stuff.

02:31:02.000 So I'm going to start doing that one, too.

02:31:03.000 I bet a big thing with you is just what you're eating.

02:31:07.000 Bro, the animal cookies, the circus animal cookies I have in my kitchen right now, it's not good.

02:31:14.000 But they come in these little packs.

02:31:16.000 But I have a pack of 50. So every time I have one, I think, well, I'm only having it.

02:31:20.000 I get it.

02:31:21.000 You know, so I have to, I love to eat.

02:31:23.000 I do too.

02:31:24.000 But the way it goes on me so fast, it's so annoying that it just sits in my gut area.

02:31:29.000 Especially as you get older.

02:31:30.000 I'm shaped like an ostrich.

02:31:32.000 You know what I mean?

02:31:33.000 I'm big in the middle with little legs.

02:31:35.000 It's harder and harder as you get older.

02:31:37.000 I know!

02:31:37.000 That's what's happening right now.

02:31:38.000 I gotta stop.

02:31:39.000 That's why you gotta keep up.

02:31:40.000 That's the whole thing.

02:31:41.000 I know, man.

02:31:41.000 You gotta maintain.

02:31:42.000 Like I work on my comedy, I have to work on my physical at the same time.

02:31:46.000 You'll feel better.

02:31:47.000 I wanna feel better.

02:31:48.000 You'll have way more energy.

02:31:49.000 Cut out the sugar.

02:31:51.000 Cut out the greens.

02:31:51.000 Here we go with the sugar.

02:31:53.000 That's it.

02:31:54.000 Cut out sugar and grains, you lose 30 pounds.

02:31:56.000 Cut out everything that is delicious.

02:31:58.000 Just eat salads and fish.

02:32:00.000 Eat healthy.

02:32:01.000 Have some red meat, but in moderation.

02:32:04.000 Don't eat crazy.

02:32:04.000 I'm all about that.

02:32:05.000 Don't eat fries.

02:32:06.000 A lot of chicken.

02:32:06.000 No fries?

02:32:07.000 Drink a lot of water. 1.00

02:32:08.000 Yeah, fries are bullshit. 1.00

02:32:10.000 It's mostly just potatoes and oil. 0.99

02:32:13.000 You know, what are you getting out of that, really?

02:32:16.000 When's the last time you had some fries?

02:32:17.000 The other day.

02:32:18.000 Yeah, exactly.

02:32:19.000 You know what you get out of it.

02:32:20.000 They're delicious.

02:32:21.000 Yeah, but you just can't have it all the time.

02:32:24.000 I know, that's the thing.

02:32:25.000 I had some pasta the other night.

02:32:25.000 Moderate, that's what I'm saying.

02:32:26.000 It's all moderation, man.

02:32:28.000 Saturday night I ate at a nice Italian restaurant.

02:32:30.000 Oh, I had some pasta last night. 0.99

02:32:31.000 Spaghetti with some fucking marinara sauce and some shrimp. 0.99

02:32:35.000 It was delicious. 1.00

02:32:36.000 We just had the same meal.

02:32:37.000 I had that last night.

02:32:38.000 Yeah, every now and then.

02:32:39.000 Some Trump Duvalo or whatever you say it.

02:32:42.000 Diablo.

02:32:43.000 The devil.

02:32:44.000 The devil's in the details.

02:32:46.000 The devil's food.

02:32:46.000 Yeah, I like it.

02:32:48.000 It tastes good, but I just don't allow myself to do it very often.

02:32:51.000 Most of the time, I eat real clean.

02:32:52.000 Good for you.

02:32:53.000 I'm trying to get there, buddy.

02:32:54.000 You could do it.

02:32:55.000 I know.

02:32:55.000 Okay, don't get defensive.

02:32:57.000 No, I'm saying I've done it.

02:32:58.000 I'm in your corner.

02:32:59.000 You're all angry.

02:33:00.000 See how angry he is, Jay?

02:33:01.000 I'm mad at me because I know I should be doing this.

02:33:04.000 You're ready to run out of here and go right to the gym, aren't you?

02:33:05.000 I'm not even going to leave the building.

02:33:07.000 You don't have to.

02:33:08.000 Just go right over there.

02:33:09.000 That's what I'm saying.

02:33:09.000 You don't even have to leave the building.

02:33:10.000 There's plenty of equipment.

02:33:11.000 We could work out side by side.

02:33:12.000 I know.

02:33:13.000 I should have brought my stuff.

02:33:14.000 I got stuff for you.

02:33:16.000 Of course.

02:33:16.000 This is me trying to get out of it already.

02:33:18.000 You know what I mean?

02:33:19.000 I didn't bring my...

02:33:20.000 Joe, I got my shoes.

02:33:22.000 I had to bring my orthopedics.

02:33:24.000 I think for comics, it's important to alleviate a certain amount of angst. 0.97

02:33:30.000 You want to go on stage with a certain amount where you're upset and you're pissed off at shit, but you don't want to go upset on stage hating yourself. 0.97

02:33:37.000 Right. 0.99

02:33:38.000 I don't like comics that go on stage drunk.

02:33:41.000 I don't like how they need this alcohol or people that think weed.

02:33:48.000 I'm not saying weed makes you lazy, but lazy people shouldn't smoke weed.

02:33:53.000 Right.

02:33:54.000 I know what you're saying.

02:33:54.000 Well, as a person who smokes weed, it really bothers me because I'm not lazy at all.

02:33:58.000 And I hate that connection between lazy people and weed because I don't think that's what makes you lazy.

02:34:06.000 No, no, no.

02:34:07.000 I agree.

02:34:08.000 That's why I'm saying it makes you lazy.

02:34:10.000 No.

02:34:11.000 But if you're already lazy and then you do this, it's not going to be a winning combination.

02:34:15.000 It's not just that.

02:34:16.000 It just looks bad.

02:34:17.000 And you blame it on the Look at J.R. Smith.

02:34:19.000 I think that was a weed situation.

02:34:21.000 Who's J.R. Smith?

02:34:22.000 Oh, you don't even know.

02:34:23.000 He don't even know.

02:34:24.000 He jumps in to press the microphone.

02:34:26.000 I know that guy.

02:34:27.000 I know that guy.

02:34:27.000 I know what we're talking about.

02:34:28.000 That's the game.

02:34:30.000 Cleveland Cavaliers. 1.00

02:34:31.000 He did something really stupid. 1.00

02:34:33.000 It was like... 1.00

02:34:34.000 It was like three, four seconds left.

02:34:36.000 Their tie ball game.

02:34:38.000 One of their other guys is at the free throw line.

02:34:40.000 He misses the free throw.

02:34:42.000 J.R. Smith grabs the ball.

02:34:44.000 Instead of putting it up to win the game, he dribbles out because he thought that they were up.

02:34:50.000 And the look on his face was like that, kind of like, I've seen this high look before.

02:34:53.000 I'm not saying he was on weed, but I've heard stories that he smokes a lot of weed.

02:34:59.000 And I'm saying those weed people out there, there's an example of it.

02:35:02.000 There are brilliant people that smoke weed.

02:35:04.000 There are successful...

02:35:05.000 Look at LeBron!

02:35:06.000 That's the look LeBron had on his face. 1.00

02:35:08.000 What the fuck, man? 1.00

02:35:10.000 What are you doing? 1.00

02:35:11.000 First of all, how jacked is LeBron? 1.00

02:35:13.000 Look at those fucking shoulders. 1.00

02:35:15.000 Dude, 6'9", 250, probably 6% body fat. 1.00

02:35:19.000 Look at the shoulders on that guy.

02:35:20.000 33 years old, too.

02:35:22.000 And he's getting better.

02:35:23.000 Yeah, it's unbelievable. 0.98

02:35:25.000 His shoulders are fucking epic. 0.98

02:35:26.000 Yeah, man. 0.98

02:35:27.000 There's another picture of him straight on where he literally looks like an Avenger.

02:35:31.000 Like he could be some sort of like... 0.99

02:35:32.000 Keep him the fuck away from Jeff Nowitzki. 0.99

02:35:35.000 Look at that picture of them right there, that one where J.R. Smith is smiling. 1.00

02:35:38.000 Dude, he is jacked. 1.00

02:35:41.000 Oh, yeah, he's high as fuck. 1.00

02:35:42.000 Ha ha! 1.00

02:35:43.000 100%.

02:35:44.000 Oh, that's a high guy.

02:35:45.000 I get it.

02:35:46.000 Stoners understand other stoners. 0.84

02:35:48.000 I think that he had a little brain slip.

02:35:51.000 I guarantee he did.

02:35:52.000 You know, when people were paying you $17 million?

02:35:54.000 Or they paid him off to try to drag it into seven games.

02:35:57.000 That's what Jamie thinks.

02:35:58.000 Oh, my God.

02:35:58.000 Look at him.

02:35:58.000 Oh, he's high as fuck.

02:35:59.000 Here you guys go. 1.00

02:36:01.000 Boom! 0.99

02:36:01.000 That's him! 0.99

02:36:02.000 Yeah, but there's plenty of pictures of me that look like that, too, where I'm sober.

02:36:06.000 They catch you.

02:36:06.000 They catch you blinking.

02:36:08.000 You could just look up J.R. Smith High, and I'm sure there's a website.

02:36:11.000 So he smokes a lot of weed.

02:36:13.000 Yeah.

02:36:13.000 Oh, yeah, there he is.

02:36:14.000 You're smoking weed.

02:36:15.000 Well, there you go.

02:36:16.000 Well, doesn't it, like one of those things, the NBA has it in their contract where they don't test for weed?

02:36:21.000 They do test, but it's not as stringent as everywhere.

02:36:24.000 They test for weed?

02:36:25.000 Mm-hmm.

02:36:26.000 But these guys are all getting high.

02:36:27.000 Yeah.

02:36:29.000 Here's the thing.

02:36:30.000 For pool, I told you I play pool.

02:36:35.000 Marijuana is a performance-enhancing drug.

02:36:36.000 100%.

02:36:37.000 It makes my game 10% better.

02:36:38.000 I don't believe you.

02:36:39.000 You don't have to.

02:36:40.000 I'm telling you.

02:36:41.000 We does not make your pool game better! 0.81

02:36:43.000 It does.

02:36:44.000 It makes you more sensitive.

02:36:45.000 Trust me.

02:36:45.000 It's the reason why basketball players find it better, too.

02:36:48.000 It puts them into some sort of a zone.

02:36:50.000 Now, are you saying that LeBron James needs weed?

02:36:52.000 No.

02:36:53.000 There's a lot of pro pool players who are top of the food chain who don't do anything.

02:36:56.000 Right.

02:36:56.000 But a lot of guys who like it say that weed bumps their game up quite a bit.

02:37:01.000 And I'm one of them.

02:37:02.000 It makes me play better.

02:37:03.000 I'm telling you.

02:37:04.000 You don't know because you don't smoke weed.

02:37:07.000 You need to experiment.

02:37:08.000 Okay.

02:37:08.000 I want to experiment.

02:37:09.000 I want you to play.

02:37:10.000 Do you play?

02:37:10.000 You're going to play pool.

02:37:11.000 Do you play?

02:37:12.000 No.

02:37:13.000 You're going to play pool sober.

02:37:14.000 Okay.

02:37:15.000 And then you're going to see your results.

02:37:16.000 And then...

02:37:18.000 See, the problem is, if I play pool sober, and then I smoke pot and get high, I will have been warmed up by the playing pool sober, and I'll definitely play better high anyway.

02:37:28.000 Separate days.

02:37:30.000 But the problem with separate days is, your body has to be perfectly in tune in order to get real accurate results, because one day I could have lifted weights, which fucks up your pool game like nothing.

02:37:40.000 Here we go.

02:37:41.000 I'm telling you.

02:37:41.000 Just being honest with you.

02:37:42.000 All my best games, I was medicated.

02:37:45.000 Matt Barnes on his game day use of marijuana.

02:37:48.000 Matt Barnes, who will not be in the Hall of Fame.

02:37:52.000 Is he a good player?

02:37:53.000 He's alright.

02:37:54.000 He's just alright.

02:37:55.000 He's a role player.

02:37:56.000 I want Michael Jordan to come out and say that.

02:37:58.000 Then I'm going to be like, oh wow.

02:38:00.000 I want someone like that.

02:38:02.000 Don't tell me about the role players.

02:38:05.000 Well, see, you're saying this, though, as a guy who doesn't smoke pot.

02:38:08.000 But I'm telling you, for jujitsu, it's a huge part of the jujitsu world.

02:38:14.000 A lot of people get high and then do jujitsu.

02:38:16.000 And they say it makes their game better.

02:38:18.000 What's the practical use of jujitsu? 0.81

02:38:21.000 Well, if you and I were in a fight, that would kill you.

02:38:26.000 That's practical. 1.00

02:38:27.000 I think you would kill me anyway, Joe. 0.98

02:38:28.000 Yeah, but that would be the practical. 0.92

02:38:29.000 Okay, so it's just for that moment, but at any other time.

02:38:33.000 No, no, it's not just that.

02:38:34.000 Would you want to be high if you were walking to your car late at night and then three guys came at you?

02:38:39.000 Let me ask you, what's the perfect circumstance then?

02:38:43.000 It's late at night, you're headed to your car.

02:38:45.000 I don't think you understand marijuana at all.

02:38:47.000 I'm just saying, would you want to...

02:38:48.000 What would you prefer?

02:38:49.000 Would you prefer to be sober or high?

02:38:51.000 I'd be fine with that.

02:38:52.000 You'd be fine with either one.

02:38:53.000 Yeah.

02:38:53.000 Okay, good then.

02:38:54.000 Depends.

02:38:55.000 I mean, I'm not going to be able to do anything different if I'm sober or high.

02:39:00.000 We're not talking about drunk. 0.97

02:39:01.000 Now, if you said, would I want to be drunk or sober, fuck yeah, I'd want to be sober. 0.98

02:39:05.000 Oh, no, I'm not. 0.99

02:39:07.000 I get it.

02:39:07.000 If I'm worried about getting hit and I'm not sure about reaction time.

02:39:12.000 One of the things about pot is it makes you a little bit paranoid, so it puts you on edge. 1.00

02:39:15.000 It makes you aware of shit. 1.00

02:39:17.000 Okay. 1.00

02:39:17.000 The other thing is it focuses you very cleanly on what you're doing. 1.00

02:39:21.000 There's a lot of potheads out here just really happy.

02:39:25.000 If you're drawing or music or something along those lines where you're really trying to focus, like writing, a lot of people really like it for those things because it makes you really focus on what you're doing.

02:39:36.000 Tunnel vision.

02:39:37.000 But then I think what happens then is that whatever they were doing on that, they don't apply it to...

02:39:43.000 Because I have a lot of...

02:39:44.000 We both have a lot of pothead comedian friends.

02:39:48.000 Yeah, but...

02:39:48.000 And there's some of them I know that when I started with them, I know that they're not doing what they're doing now.

02:39:53.000 They didn't keep going, exceed their expectations, and I know part of it was because of the pot.

02:39:59.000 I don't think it is.

02:40:00.000 I think the pot is just something they can use as an excuse.

02:40:04.000 It's not.

02:40:04.000 The common denominator is no work ethic.

02:40:07.000 Agreed.

02:40:07.000 The common denominator is...

02:40:08.000 And it didn't help the work ethic.

02:40:10.000 I don't think it hurts or helps.

02:40:12.000 I think it's just...

02:40:13.000 It's a factor...

02:40:14.000 You see a study on this.

02:40:15.000 Yeah, I mean, the study would be skewed because a lot of failures that get high all the time would be in the study.

02:40:21.000 Right.

02:40:22.000 But a lot of winners that get high all the time don't want to talk about it.

02:40:25.000 And I... By the way, I'm with you 100% on this.

02:40:29.000 What I hate is that the people that don't have any work ethic, they look at somebody with a work ethic that smokes weed and then say, well look, they made it because they smoke weed.

02:40:39.000 And I'm like, no, they would have made it without the weed.

02:40:42.000 Yeah, they would have made it without the weed.

02:40:43.000 That's what I'm saying.

02:40:45.000 Before I ever smoked weed.

02:40:46.000 I was already on television.

02:40:47.000 I already had a Warner Brothers CD. I didn't start smoking weed until like 2000. Listen, I'm not anti-weed, but I just think that with anything there should be moderation.

02:40:58.000 Yes.

02:40:59.000 No, I agree.

02:41:00.000 One of the best things I did last year was Ari and Tom Segura and Burt Kreischer and I, we did this Sober October thing.

02:41:06.000 Where for a whole month, no booze, no pot, and we had to do 15 hot yoga classes in the month.

02:41:13.000 And I learned a lot in that month.

02:41:15.000 I really did.

02:41:16.000 Are you a different person because of it?

02:41:18.000 No, it was good.

02:41:19.000 You gotta get out of here.

02:41:20.000 Yeah, no, I have another.

02:41:22.000 Really?

02:41:23.000 Yeah.

02:41:23.000 Jesus Christ.

02:41:24.000 It's already 2.20, bro.

02:41:25.000 Yeah, I'm doing another one.

02:41:26.000 What are you doing?

02:41:27.000 I'm going to see Barry Katz, if you can believe that.

02:41:29.000 Oh, congratulations.

02:41:32.000 Barry Katz is a podcast.

02:41:34.000 That's going to be an interesting day for me.

02:41:36.000 What was we just...

02:41:38.000 About the pot.

02:41:39.000 I forgot what I was going to say.

02:41:41.000 Stoner thought.

02:41:42.000 No, it's not whether or not you smoke pot.

02:41:46.000 It's whether or not you get things done.

02:41:48.000 Whether or not you write out what you're supposed to do, whether or not you actually try to achieve goals, whether or not you're actively trying to improve whatever you're doing, whether you build cars or make cabinetry, it's just about whether or not you're working towards Succeeding and improving.

02:42:08.000 Listen, I agree with you.

02:42:09.000 I'm not anti-pot.

02:42:10.000 I'm not.

02:42:11.000 I agree with you.

02:42:12.000 Based on evidence of the people that are around a lot of us, we should be anti-pot.

02:42:16.000 I should be anti-pot.

02:42:18.000 Dude, I know a lot of people that made me sad.

02:42:21.000 I'd run into them at the comedy store and they'd be like, bro, you got any weed on you, man?

02:42:25.000 And I'd be like, you're not doing anything!

02:42:27.000 You're not doing anything with your life and you want some weed.

02:42:29.000 Go get a job.

02:42:30.000 Get some money.

02:42:31.000 Get some weed, yeah.

02:42:31.000 But then you also see guys like Ari, who get high all the time and they're constantly working.

02:42:35.000 Or Doug Benson, who's like the most functional pothead I've ever met in my life.

02:42:40.000 He's high all day.

02:42:41.000 He's a weird one.

02:42:42.000 Or Snoop Dogg.

02:42:42.000 Yeah.

02:42:43.000 So there are people, but these are people that are the exceptions, not the rule.

02:42:47.000 I wonder.

02:42:48.000 There's a lot of people on Wall Street that get high.

02:42:50.000 There's a lot of people that are involved in, like, the tech world that get high a lot.

02:42:54.000 And what people think about it is that, look, it's like everything else, man.

02:42:59.000 It can be good for you, or it could fuck your world up. 0.58

02:43:02.000 You know, I mean... 0.97

02:43:03.000 I think there's some benefit to it.

02:43:05.000 And what the benefit is, vulnerability, creativity.

02:43:08.000 It makes you feel vulnerable.

02:43:10.000 It makes you re-examine things.

02:43:12.000 It makes you look at me.

02:43:12.000 People call it paranoia.

02:43:14.000 I just think it broadens your awareness.

02:43:16.000 I think as a stand-up, you already have a level of vulnerability just going on stage and talking about things.

02:43:22.000 For sure.

02:43:22.000 So that's like my...

02:43:23.000 For sure, there's some of that.

02:43:24.000 I just feel like that's my drug.

02:43:26.000 It's a good drug.

02:43:27.000 I mean, it's definitely not one that's going to ruin your life, hopefully.

02:43:30.000 Yeah.

02:43:31.000 Unless you tell a bad Planet of the Apes joke on Twitter.

02:43:37.000 On that Aryan Ambien, you know what I mean? 0.85

02:43:40.000 Aryan Ambien!

02:43:42.000 She got that old school Ambien.

02:43:44.000 She got that Ambien from the motherland.

02:43:49.000 I hope she bounces back, but I don't know if she will. 0.99

02:43:51.000 Has anybody bounced back from this new era of fucking hate and anger? 0.99

02:43:56.000 No one has bounced back. 0.99

02:43:57.000 Well, I don't think Aziz wasn't taken out. 0.99

02:44:01.000 I don't think his show was canceled or anything like that.

02:44:03.000 No, he didn't have a show except the Netflix show, and he didn't do anything to the point where it was like a crime, but a lot of people went after him, like that Samantha Bee lady went after him.

02:44:12.000 Oh, she's going hard at everybody. 1.00

02:44:14.000 Yeah, she's going hard at everybody. 1.00

02:44:15.000 That's her thing. 1.00

02:44:16.000 Yeah, that's her thing. 1.00

02:44:17.000 It becomes a shtick at a certain point.

02:44:19.000 It loses credibility.

02:44:21.000 Sort of.

02:44:22.000 She means it.

02:44:24.000 Yeah, she means well.

02:44:25.000 It's important to voice.

02:44:26.000 The problem with going hard on a person is you're only getting one version of what happened.

02:44:31.000 We're not talking about going hard on a person who committed a crime.

02:44:34.000 You're going hard on a person that's involved in an interaction with two people.

02:44:37.000 What I would like to see, though, is someone like Samantha Bee to ask Aziz to come on her show. 0.98

02:44:43.000 Oh, he wouldn't do that.

02:44:44.000 And then him do it.

02:44:45.000 No, but that's what I'm saying.

02:44:46.000 That's what we're missing.

02:44:47.000 Well, why would he do that?

02:44:48.000 Because she's already attacked him.

02:44:50.000 It's all entertainment.

02:44:51.000 I mean, isn't that the whole point of it?

02:44:53.000 It probably hurts for him.

02:44:55.000 Well, unless he can handle himself in that forum, I would like to see that.

02:45:01.000 See, even that, I think those forums are hard to do.

02:45:05.000 You know, I did Ben Shapiro's podcast that just aired yesterday, and he has this Sunday special thing that he does, and it's an hour long, and every 15 minutes he stops the conversation and does a commercial.

02:45:16.000 And while I was sitting there doing it, I was like, I really like the guy, I really like talking to him, brilliant guy, but this is not the best way to stay loose and have a conversation.

02:45:26.000 Oh, I got you, I get you.

02:45:28.000 This is the best format, man.

02:45:29.000 The kind of conversations that we've had over the past three hours, this is the best format.

02:45:35.000 Because you just talk.

02:45:36.000 Nothing interrupts you.

02:45:38.000 There's no sensors.

02:45:39.000 Yeah, there's no thing you have ahead of time.

02:45:40.000 Please don't talk about this.

02:45:41.000 Right.

02:45:42.000 And also, it's best with friends.

02:45:45.000 You know I care about you.

02:45:47.000 You know I'm your friend.

02:45:48.000 You know we're going to have fun, and I'm not looking to get you or be weird.

02:45:52.000 Gotcha, gotcha podcast.

02:45:54.000 I'm trying to have fun with you, and we had fun.

02:45:56.000 This is like the best format to get to understand people.

02:46:00.000 I think what we're missing today in this world, and this is just An open thought.

02:46:09.000 People need more opportunities to be cool with each other and take advantage of less opportunities to attack each other.

02:46:17.000 And I see a lot of attacking lately.

02:46:19.000 And I don't know if the attacking is because there have been so many egregious crimes that need to be corrected like Harvey Weinstein or like, you know, fill in the blank with all the other monsters that have been out there.

02:46:31.000 It's late.

02:46:32.000 Don't people keep texting you?

02:46:34.000 Yeah.

02:46:35.000 In your phones.

02:46:36.000 On your watch.

02:46:37.000 That is weird.

02:46:38.000 It's different colors all the time.

02:46:39.000 It's always changing.

02:46:40.000 Hit that X. What happens when you hit that X? You hit the X and then it just goes to whatever else.

02:46:44.000 I think somebody's listening to our podcast right now and somebody texted my girlfriend and she's like, she just sent me a text message right now.

02:46:51.000 You better not be married.

02:46:54.000 I don't know what that means.

02:46:56.000 But anyway, my point is, I'm hoping that it all balances out.

02:47:01.000 I hope that it comes back around and people just understand the value and just be nice to each other.

02:47:08.000 Well, I mean, we just have to lead by example is all it is.

02:47:11.000 It's a hard thing.

02:47:12.000 We have to lead by example.

02:47:12.000 And that's why I'm saying these issues that men, as a man, what we're having out here is we forgot how to be gentlemen.

02:47:20.000 I think that if, like, say in the Z situation, if he had just been a gentleman... 0.81

02:47:24.000 I don't know what he did.

02:47:25.000 I don't know if he had been in that situation.

02:47:26.000 I'm not comfortable you saying it.

02:47:27.000 Obviously, when I read the story, it was just, he was trying to get with her.

02:47:30.000 You know, they were texting back and forth, and it was like, yo, yo, yo, they went to dinner, they ended up at his place, and it was, you know, it was like, maybe you don't bring a chick that you barely know to your place now.

02:47:38.000 Maybe there should be different types of etiquette. 0.99

02:47:40.000 Yeah, for sure, right?

02:47:41.000 It just turns into that.

02:47:42.000 But if you're a guy like that, I mean, you know...

02:47:44.000 Have you heard Tony talk about that?

02:47:45.000 Women are throwing themselves at you all the time. 1.00

02:47:47.000 What are you supposed to do?

02:47:49.000 Act like a gentleman is what I'm saying. 0.99

02:47:51.000 Gotta fucking use a good filter. 0.99

02:47:54.000 That shouldn't be the excuse. 0.99

02:47:54.000 The excuse shouldn't be as like, you know, that's like a man way to say it, too. 0.99

02:47:57.000 It'd be like, you know, you got all these hot chicks. 1.00

02:48:00.000 Like, you know, what am I supposed to say no to these hot chicks? 1.00

02:48:02.000 Yeah, maybe you should.

02:48:03.000 Wow, look at you.

02:48:04.000 Being all judgmental.

02:48:07.000 Here's the guy who had the girl come back to his place.

02:48:09.000 You can say no to her.

02:48:10.000 I should have.

02:48:11.000 That's my whole point.

02:48:12.000 I should have.

02:48:13.000 I should have stopped it.

02:48:14.000 But I let my own ego get in the way.

02:48:16.000 I let my own insecurity of being like, well, this girl really is into me, so let me go through.

02:48:21.000 Hey, hey.

02:48:22.000 Just because you can doesn't mean you should.

02:48:24.000 Let's end it with that.

02:48:25.000 I think we should.

02:48:26.000 And when is your special?

02:48:28.000 June 8th on Showtime, 10 p.m.

02:48:31.000 That's this weekend.

02:48:32.000 Friday.

02:48:32.000 Friday night.

02:48:33.000 June 8th, Friday night.

02:48:34.000 But I'll also be at the Irvine Improv on Friday. 0.99

02:48:36.000 Oh, shit. 0.99

02:48:37.000 All weekend I'll be at Irvine. 1.00

02:48:39.000 Damn. 0.98

02:48:39.000 So if you want to come see me there. 0.98

02:48:40.000 And then Showtime, I'm Dying Up Here is airing right now on Showtime.

02:48:44.000 Episode 6 will be next Sunday.

02:48:45.000 Beautiful.

02:48:46.000 So check me out.

02:48:47.000 At Eric Griffin.

02:48:48.000 I love you.

02:48:50.000 Beautiful.

02:48:51.000 Thank you, brother.

02:48:52.000 Appreciate being on, man.

02:48:53.000 That was fun.

02:48:53.000 I enjoyed this.

02:48:54.000 Thanks for having me.

02:48:54.000 You know what I mean?

02:48:55.000 I really appreciate it.

02:48:56.000 We'll do it again.

02:48:57.000 Let's do it again.

02:48:57.000 You should do your own.

02:48:58.000 I will.

02:48:59.000 You'll be on it, right?

02:49:00.000 I'll be on it.

02:49:00.000 You'll be my first guest on the Eric Griffin Podcast.

02:49:02.000 Woo! 0.99

The Joe Rogan Experience - June 04, 2018

Joe Rogan Experience #1126 - Erik Griffin

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Transcript